A poem for a deppressed mom

I am trying to wrap my head around this.
My husband wrote poems and called me multiple times a day for months before we got married. Once we got married, he went back to the addictions / obsessions that he had as a bachelor and we had sex probably a total of 10 times in 25 years.
Those 10 times were when we were newly married / when he had a fear that I might leave / pressure from his parents to have kids.
All 10 times happened with zero touching, kissing or talking. Lasted less than 5 minutes. He was done and just walked away. I have never heard my husband use the word sex. If I use it, he will cringe as if I asked for an orgy. No sitting together or hugging or holding bands ever.
Found out last year that he has met prostitutes and met one particular lady more than once. He has led a double life for close to a decade.
He is extremely clingy, very hardworking and loved by everyone, extremely generous with money almost takes pride in what he buys for me and never raises his voice or hands.
But If cornered by a difficult conversation, he will say the most hurtful sentence to shut me down for years. Example will call me ugly. Actually I am not and am very fitness conscious and eat clean and he actually has a visible disability, is overweight and doesn’t care about his health/ eating habits. Do you also neglect your health and live shabbily?
What is this? Is this covert narcissism or another comorbidity?
He doesn’t want a divorce. I offered to walk away and not demand anything because clearly he isn’t into me so he can at least find someone he likes. He claims he loves me and me only. I can him buy a house in my name / a diamond necklace and I will get it but cannot ask for a hug on my birthday.
Why this love hate confusing behaviour?
His mom hated him and favoured his brother. His dad favoured him and hated his brother.
He somehow managed to make me his mother. I sacrificed a lot and did a lot for him.
Why would be hurt me like this. He says he didn’t think of me at all when he was with those women. And still refuses to have any conversation about what he did and why he did. He would rather die than talk with me about his secret life. In one transaction he transferred half his assets to my individual bank account and I am the beneficiary for all his assets. What behaviour is this? Now he wants me to not talk about anything and expects life to go back to normal before he got caught. Why is it difficult for him to understand that he has caused me pain. He doesn’t think he caused me any pain because we were anyway not having sex for years. Last time was about 16 years back when I wanted to leave.

TW Self Harm, TW Abuse.
There is a lot to unpack here.
I'm in my low mid 30s. I'm adopted since birth, and I've lived my whole life with my family so far. I have clinical depression and chronic anxiety, to the point of extreme intrusive thoughts and That kind of ideation.
My parents both come from horrible families themselves. Going into the military was a blessed relief for each of them from what I know of their pasts. They met each other, got married, and eventually adopted my siblings and then me.
Mom is a fixer. And regardless of everything that happens, I love her. She has always had my back, always been in my corner, always bent over backwards or fought for me. When I was younger, we used to struggle a bit here and there in regards to some moments, but once we realized how badly the entire family had been ignorant in regards to mental health, and started trying to be willing to talk about our different perspectives while being civil, our connection has never been stronger. Or at least I'd like to say that, and I'd like to keep it that way.
The man who I will keep calling Dad, for lack of a better term... is not the worst man in the world. He paid for things growing up. He's present for a decent amount. We had some bonds over video games and dragon ball and godzilla. There was love there. And Mom has made it clear that love is still there, at least from her point of view. She says he's gotten better, and the problems aren't as frequent, true.
But for me, the negatives have started eclipsing the positives in my memory. Particularly as my problems started manifesting while I struggled with life, and my opinions stopped being so simple. Particularly politically, where they come from a different time, and I couldn't be more opposed to them.
With Mom, we can still talk and honor each other's right to have differences.
With Dad, because of his past and mind, he doesn't do well with opinions that don't match his own. Even when he's being civil, he'll give politician type answers to yes or no questions while never addressing the point. It makes him insufferable to talk to. And he hates being challenged. He gets shouty. He gets angry. He gets threatening.
I'm 6'2, 260lbs of mix between fat and muscle, with 2 permanent injuries and struggling with fitness. He's taller than me, a veteran, a former prison guard, and can still weight lift like double his weight in his old age.
When we've had disagreements, he gets terrifying. Looming over me while yelling with his deep voice; that's his go-to, but sometimes there's violence. Folk needing to wrestle him off me. Him punching me in the face. Chasing me down a hill while I was in crutches and on the phone. Busting down my barricaded door and screaming at me, then holding my dog (18 long years, RIP) by her neck when she (a rescue in and of herself) got between me and him and started barking at him.
The last time Mom and I talked, she mentioned that I shouldn't still be holding these against him, both that it's not good for me and because the relationships would never mend, particularly that I'm not blameless in regards to family drama. But I've never hit anyone. I've never threatened to kill anyone, regardless of the invasive voices. I've never said "I"M GONNA SQUEEZE THE LIFE OUT OF YOU" while pressing my elbow into someone's neck, over a literal quarter.
I sincerely could be being too sensitive about this. It could be me not remembering enough of the good, and still being too bothered by the bad. Mom mentioned me hurting folk as well, so it's not like my emotional outbursts are that much better than his, even if I'm actively trying to deal with mine with antidepressants and trying to acknowledge and understand my behavior, and trying to avoid touchy subjects in general to help keep the peace.
This where I ask AITAH.
Mother's day 2024; I come downstairs, read Mom a poem I came up with, and small talk is made. Eventually Mom jokes to me and my sister (who I also find troubling to talk with because she can be bitchy at times, though never to the point of intimidation and violence) that we should have married for money, not love, so that we'd have an easy life. I reply that I could never do so, particularly because I'm too ugly to do so, and the conversation shifts to recent therapy and my mental health, to which I say I have to battle with my lack of confidence every day.
To which Dad says "[my] problems are [my] choice". To which I start getting heated in the moment, and tell him "No, you're wrong." We both repeat, louder. He assumes his 'rearing Grizzly' stance, yelling "I'M NOT GOING TO ARGUE WITH YOU!", and after Mom tries to use Mother's day to coo him down, makes another scathing comment from the kitchen that I could hear.
I go upstairs, and when Mom follows me, I try to talk about other things. But she's determined to ask me if I hate him. I keep trying to dodge, and beg her not to push me into answering, to which she just confirms the unspoken and walks off.
Fully triggered, I try to leave before I make things worse, but when Dad tries to ask me not to go, I tell him to Fuck Off before just driving. Apparently while I was gone, he punched and broke a door in his rage that he still can't connect to me. And when Mom went to buy a new door, their truck hit a pole. And then when I come back, and she tries to talk to me, I scream at her. (I couldn't handle being told "Oh, it's okay. I don't deserve a mother's day because I didn't birth any of you.") Best. Mother's. Day. Ever.
While I was gone, the family called me almost 30 times. I wanted to leave, to destress, to get this venom in my arms to settle, to not lash out. I ended up calling multiple emergency phone numbers to try to vent. And I tried to go to the arcade to vent. Invasive thoughts about stabbing a family member? Terrible. Thoughts of shooting zombies for a few hours? Much better. But I couldn't at all relax and distract myself as Mom and sister wouldn't stop calling me.
Next day, Mom and I try to talk again. With her wanting me to find forgiveness and peace, even as I both despise him for these lows, and myself for this guilt I feel about the family dynamics. And we fail to reach a resolution, with her depression and my own only making each other worse. Thinking I wouldn't be allowed to leave the house to cooldown, I go upstairs, max out my music, and scream. A bit of floor slamming, but largely screaming as much as I can, to try force out the venom I can feel inside me. Understandably, Mom came up to stop the noise. Unfortunately, that noise was the only think surpressing my worst thoughts, and the feel of venom in my arms. Fortunately, Mom came back quick enough that my first (and hopefully only) scars are largely scratches that will fade. If anything, her pulling the work knife out of my hand knicked those fingers even worse. And understandably, even as her former Marine tried to force more conversation that day, I just remember feeling defeated inside. I contact as much of my support group as I can muster, take a sick day, and go to sleep.
Next morning, my therapist calls me, and we talk. And I share all of my feelings. All of this. Unfortunately, the appointment was later in the morning than normal, family were up and about in the living room, and I didn't realize they were basically all just listening. And they heard. Every. Word. Everything of this. Apparently I reduced Dad to tears, let alone offending everyone else.
For the second time in multiple days, I thought I was going to get kicked out. Mom did offer me my own place, but being trapped with my mixed feelings would make that a complete waste of money and effort. I'm basically just not on speaking terms with the family, and I feel like a Pariah.
To the point where after crying about it for an hour at work, I eventually sucked it up, called Mom, asked Dad to be on speaker, and suggested family counseling, at an attempt at an olive branch.
But isolated in my room away from everyone else (to the point of not even showering, eating, and largely not even touching my computer), and then at my next day of work, I've had time to think. Think about how these lows still keep happening. About how the schism between me and the family has always been growing politically. How previous therapists, emergency numbers, friends, coworkers, and the domestic abuse hotline, all say it's a cycle of (unintentional) abuse. How as is, I wouldn't take back like 90% of what I expressed because it feels true. How he also used to blow up on other people as well. How his senelessness can lead him to yelling at a 2nd Rescue Dog that barks too much. Or sending pictures of Tarantulas to a cousin with extreme mental illness (think drugs in the womb type mental troubles) as just casual texting.
But I also still feel guilty. Even with personality, interest, and political opinions differing, they do still try to care. I've been with them all my life. And it makes me feel horrible when they help by trying to cook or clean or anything, when the interpersonal relationships are so low.
And as much as I reflect on the lows being so unbearably low with him, I can't pretend they've been not as frequent, nor that I grew up 1000x better than how they did. My problems are first world as all hell, and plenty would kill to be as privileged as I am. This can not be understated. I don't think it justifies his behavior, but to say that it makes sense is at least fair.
And I want to stay connected, at least to Mom. And even if my sister and I don't have a really personal feeling relationship, I like being the cool uncle to one of my nephews. Teaching him about video games and sonic and dragon ball has been great. I don't want to let that go.
And as bad as his worsts have been... others don't even have their families. And others still have been hurt even worse by family, or outright thrown out by now, and similar...
So yeah; I know that's a lot to unpack, but I'm so mixed up inside I honestly don't know. AITAH for overreacting to a potentially acceptable level of family drama/not letting go of my lingering grudges and feelings in regards to my father? Or have I noticed a slowing, but still present, cycle of abuse?

1; 2
I've been getting into writing and art making lately and really wanting to work with poetry (why's it so hard - ugh! lol). This is my latest attempt at a poem (free verse). I think it shows progress but I'm really looking for critical feedback on what I can work on going forward and how this one can be improved. It's meant to reflect a complicated/complex relationship - IDK how well that comes across. Thanks for reading.  
My mother is the wind
(which is to say, she is air in natural motion, relative to the earth's surface);
She moves invisible; I see her dance with fallen cherry blossom petals in May;
(Men have tried to map her contours, as if knowing her shape and velocity will bring them closer.)
She can not be held, but I feel her – always – (blowing with whatever degree of gentleness or violence);
Knowing she is there can relieve a fever in sweltering July;
She has touched every speck of dust in this place without ever knowing why;
She is why I am drawn to the water; I am a long wave rolling in from the ocean;
she finds me like a piece of prized sea glass —
the coolest blue-green (in bony fidgeting hands);
When I breathe, my lungs fill as a gust of love;
She is more than half of my favorite photograph: My mom and I at the shore of the bay, taking in the sea air at peace,
where water meets land and the wind kisses my face.
On a perfect day, I go outside; I sway from my father's branches, and watch a little girl flying a paper kite in the park and I feel my mother's smile.

When i was young, i did not have many options for books because we were poor. My mom's brother was taken by the US army base before leaving our country. They sent him to school and some of the books he left at home were the ones i read growing up. They had library stamps from US on first page i remember. 2 books i hope in finding It was a thick about an inch book It had random stories inside but somehow most werent finished. I was too young to remember which of the following stories were part of either books.but here they are. These were all inside 2 BOOKS. Only one i remember has astronaut for cover and it says galaxy. Both hard cover. Both had drawings and images. Im guessing PUBLIC SCHOOL BOOKS. ■■■ marthin luther king jr. Haiku Great wave( tsunami in hawaii i think) Blue ribbon( marathon/race) Small prince Forgot the title of this one ; poor Girl lives in yellow bus who had a neighbor who own apple tree (it had some drawings)
How to wash your dog ( it had illutrations) Poem about owning a cat and dog Thomas edison light bulb Dog of Pompei (milo) ■■■
I have lost both as i have moved so many times since younger but i remember LOVING AND BEING COMFORTED BY THESE BOOKS during grade school.
There was one more i still have called ANIMAL WITHOUT BACKBONE its blue. It was with those 2 books above.

“the initial grip of fear, that turns into the unexpected earning for your capture.”
the poetry in here is about survival and surrender. it delves into the complexities of a karmic love. being trapped in a situation, while still being aware of its toxicity. my poems are meant to convey the tumultuous journey of being in love with a narcissist. (your “capture”) the lessons you learn, as painful as they can be, invite you to take a step into the shadow side of love. if you feel at home here, I’m truly sorry. there is a way out. I hope you break free. -with so much love, gillian.
and when you retreat,
i’ll wear this shirt for days.
intoxicating & sweet,
with your cologne interlaced.
breathing in your deceit,
it kind of feels like mace.
denial mixed with defeat.

• i’ve always had bad taste.

i knew you weren’t game.
still i chose to play.
it isn't fair to blame.
believe me, i carry my own shame.
poured myself into your glass,
played the waiting game.
leaking through your cracks,
our imperfections the same.
-i recognize a glass half full, even when it’s shattered.
every summer, we reheat.
you left your roots behind
seasons change, but cycles repeat.
if you see the same tree in the forest twice,
it’s time to face defeat.
must come to terms,
the truth can be bleak.
-you’re lost.
got a god complex,
but you’re not religious.
searching for who’s next.
never fearing Jesus.
sit back & count your checks.
blame your mistakes on demons.
make your excuses.
you’ve got your reasons.
-false prophecy
you remind me of an onion.
make me cry as I peel away at you,
in search for your seed.
but you’re just a facade of skins.
layers of deception,
concealing the truth.
disappointing.
you have no core,
only hollow creed.
-my mother’s disdain for onions.
there’s always been a haze between us.
murky, convoluted, undefined.
more than friends, less than lovers.
simultaneously strangers.
but in this ambiguity, I find solace.
-for grey is my favorite color.
i’ll play bartender,
make you something nice.
your heart in my hand,
gripping your ice.
drain me dry,
leave me hollow & still.
next week you’ll return,
thirsty for your refill.
-whiskey sour
bittersweet.
should have read the label.
“poison”
sitting so pretty on my table.
calling like an offering,
tempting & fatal.
it won’t go down smooth,
leave me unstable.
i tried to resist, i was unable.
now i see that love exists,
but only in fables.
-why do mistakes taste so good?
your lips left a bruise.
just here to distract.
but i admit i’m confused
when you kiss me like that.
aware i’m being used.
still comfortable where i’m at.
position i choose
complacent doormat.
-welcome home
you prefer car rides.
a space to talk, yet evade my gaze.
unable to sit still, restless in your ways.
never one to settle, always seeking the next best fling.
oh, how I long for the days when adderall made you sing.
-my fuel light is on
I broke my own heart,
more times than a few.
i may have lied,
but never to you.
if i faced the truth,
then what’s left to do?
i’m comfortable here,
wasting my youth.
i hate to admit it,
but i know it’s true.
i’m scared of change,
you run from it too.
i won’t forgive myself,
for always forgiving you.
-can you be home sick from people too?
You’re dead to me.
-Necrophiliac.
come on.
i forgave you,
without an apology.
convinced myself it was closure.
started our anthology.
this will never be over.
it’s in our biology.
let’s have a do over.
can you just come fuck me?
-delusional. & i can’t rhyme either.
i’ll read between your lines,
decipher each clue.
search for the signs,
follow your cue.
you’ve spun me around,
think i’ve lost a few screws.
still i rise, dust off the bruise.
maybe i’m drawn to a challenge,
perhaps it’s not you.
denial is my shield.
my safe space, my refuge.
the truth will not prevail
defeat? i refuse.
my final boss,
I aim to subdue.
-sore loser.
my mom said i felt cold.
I always tell the truth.
the words escaped my mouth.
“i get it from you.”
funny, she hugs me now.
never in my youth.
conceal carry my trauma.
play it cool, keep it smooth.
use my words as a weapon.
daddy taught me how to shoot.
-target practice
it’s lonely as a ghost,
been trapped here for years.
lingering around,
mopping up your tears.
do you sense my presence?
can you feel me near?
if I dare make a sound,
will you even hear?
or am I just a whisper?
it’s never been quite clear.
promised to stay beside you,
my love was sincere.
-invisible
afraid to release
what's just a mist.
I must learn to respect
your lack of interest.
hard pill to swallow,
if i could just take the hint.
i hate letting go
of what doesn't exist.
-maybe i’m the problem
chasing you down as you flee,
why look back, just to see?
i’m gaining distance, is this what you need?
only now I realize, I'm your source of glow.
i feed your flame, you need me to grow.
without my warmth, will your embers persist?
or will they die out, because I was your wick?
I can go the distance, even do it quick.
didn’t think I could pass you but, tag, you're it.
so when your lost in the dark,
just look for my light.
for my flames eternal.
vivacious and bright.
-Ruled by the Sun.
you love her like a one-way mirror.
boosting your ego, making thoughts clearer.
she stands before you, but can you even see her?
soon her time will come, to be valued, to be known.
to be more than a reflection, to be art on her own.
-shattered
i feel as though i’m trapped
in a museum.
exhibits of my past.
meticulously preserved & on display.
forced to observe and to my dismay..
no exits.
-i don’t like it here
i am an esteemed professor.
teaching you how to love.
i am a well-traveled guide.
leading you to your full potential.
i am a warrior.
going to battle for your reputation.
i am an artist.
molding you into your greatest self.
i am a generous humanitarian.
donating my most precious piece to another women.
she sees no flaws.
enamored by your beauty.
a saw the hardened marble slab
i chiseled away for years.
only to reveal the beauty underneath for someone else to cherish.
-wasted potential
when we were pretending to be strangers, I loved you from afar.
when we were playing house,
I welcomed you with all my heart.
you left me here, with nothing but a scar.
sad and empty.
headed to a bar.
light up a cigarette.
fill me with tar.
I hope you think of me when you see a shooting star.
-maybe you loved me in a past life
only one day will i realize
the last thing i should feel is surprise
my personality has been downsized
because i chose to compromise
with a man wearing a disguise
your plan was always devised
but I’ll meet you at our spot
-king sized
you can fill your bed with anyone.
but who can fill your void?
you’ll never solve the puzzle
-sincerely, the missing piece.
ravenous for praise.
the apex predator.
you feed on the weak.
but never leave satisfied.
your greedy but insatiable.
devoured your feast
how can you be famished?
-taste me and see me why you’ve been starving
there’s things i wanna say to you.
but i’ll just let you be.
you have a way of always avoiding
-accountability
you’ve got walls up
but i know where the windows are
-can i come in?
maybe you do
love me
but only in the dark
when no one’s watching
-conditional.
i wish i was tired of you.
forgiveness, i can’t escape.
they say patience is a virtue,
but it’s a habit i can’t break.
-if i had a dollar for all the times i should have blocked you
the spot i had for you was soft.
made for you, a perfect fit.
delusion is wearing off.
disgust is starting to hit.
gave it all to you, at any cost.
-should have known it wasn’t permanent.
and just like that,
2 steps forward. 10 steps back.
why do i feel comfortable in this trap?
-i hope you run away and never come back
I don't wish you well, that would be too easy.
I wish you self-reflection.
-internal accountability.
i am the girl that learned
to do everything by myself.
to not depend on others to save me.
to fill up my time, or entertain me.
he said to go where i am appreciated, so i went to therapy.
-i’ll send you in the invoice.
in order to heal a wound,
you have to stop touching it.
-i have dermatillomania
thank you for reading! far from perfect but i took up writing as a way to express myself and it really helped me heal and process my emotions <3 thanks guys

I've been alienated by mom from my 8 year old daughter for 5 years now. I've been fighting through the courts to see her again and, needless to say, it has been a painfully slow process. I feel like we're just now starting to make progress, but I've learned to temper my expectations.
Here is a poem I read that has given me encouragement in my darkest of moments over these years that, I believe, is especially applicable to PA. I've almost committed it to memory at this point. I don't know if I'm allowed to post something like this here, but I just wanted to give everyone (in particular, the dads) something to help keep them fighting the good fight.
. . . .
"If" by Rudyard Kipling
If you can keep your head when all about you Are losing theirs and blaming it on you; If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you, But make allowance for their doubting too;
If you can wait and not be tired of waiting, Or, being lied about, don't deal in lies, Or, being hated, don't give way to hating, And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise;
If you can dream - and not make dreams your master; If you can think - and not make thoughts your aim; If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster And treat those two impostors just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools, Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken, And stoop and build them up with worn-out tools;
If you can make one heap of all your winnings And risk it all on one turn of pitch-and-toss, And lose, and start again at your beginnings And never breathe a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew To serve your turn long after they are gone, And so hold on when there is nothing in you Except the Will which says to them: "Hold on!"
If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue, Or walk with kings - nor lose the common touch; If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you; If all men count with you, but none too much;
If you can fill the unforgiving minute With sixty seconds worth of distance run, Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it, And - which is more - you'll be a Man, my son.

Rituals are the bread and butter of any magical practitioner worth their salt. But an issue that many people run into is that they read a ritual in a book or online, complete it, and then don't get any results. One main reason for this is that they fundamentally misunderstand what they are doing.
Rituals aren't a beckoning call to the Universe; they are setting a boundary for you to walk through.
Let me demonstrate this:
The average Joe actually does a number of rituals in his life. There's a ritual when he completes school, there's a ritual in which he declares his love for another person, and there is a ritual when a loved one passes aways. All of these things are major changes in his life, and the rituals serve to bookmark one phase of life as he walks into another. The sky doesn't change color when your mom dies, nor do you gain ten pounds (at least not immediately.)
So, we have a prescribed set of actions we do together to mark this change. This means that rituals are doorways. They make intangible changes in the world tangible.
Then, there's the second level of ritual; the kind that marks time as it passes. These are your Christmases, your Halloweens, your Yom Kippurs, your Ramadans, and if you want to get more frequent, the solstices, esbats, Shabbats, and daily prayers. These all take a thing that's happening in the world externally (usually astrologically), and then tie it to an action, be it as large as throwing a party, or a small as taking a moment to self-reflect. These actions become boundaries.
If you reflect on your place in life every new moon, you develop a backlog of times you do this, and every month is adding another point to the log. You break your time up into chunks, which charts your trajectory in life, and that alone will give you the energy to change it. We are already talking powerful stuff here, and I haven't even gotten to the magic!
But we see where this is going, right? Casting a spell is walking through a boundary between the life you have and the life you want. In order for it to work, you need to believe in it as much as you did when you graduated or when you got married. The door doesn't become real until you believe in it. And being able to believe in any door you wish to walk through will unlock so many possibilities for you in your lifetime.
So my advice: Do as many rituals as you can. As you brush your teeth, thank God for fresh breath. As you drive to work, plead with God not to get hit by an accident. Recite your favorite poem every morning, afternoon, and evening. Charge your coffee with good energy and feel it coursing through you as you drink it.
You walk through thousands of potential doorways every day, you just need to do a bit of work to notice them and walk through them consciously.
But if you build the habit, and you want something... All you need to do is walk through a new door.

I guess this could also be delayed grief. I have no idea what I’m even trying to say in this, I just can’t imagine speaking these thoughts to anyone in my life right now because I just can’t stand the way people look at me or speak to me or go quiet when I talk about him. Today just sucks.
I thought it would be last year that would suck, being ten years without him. And it did, but it sucks as much as it always does. Right now feels particularly hard.
I’m just thinking about how unfair it all is. I was 10 when I lost him, and I’m just thinking about how much I’ve missed out on with him. How much he has missed out on in his kids lives. Which doesn’t feel fair, because he had some shitty fucking things go on for him throughout his life and I think he at least deserved to watch his kids grow up. And it’s not fucking fair for me either. I looked up his obituary impulsively at work, and someone had left a story there about him that I’d never seen or heard. And I can’t imagine how many stories I’m missing out on, or how many things he could’ve guided me through. And I just feel so angry and tired about it all.
I just got my first apartment last year, and my moms boyfriend helped me build the bed and get it up all the stairs. He’s a sweet guy, we aren’t close, and it’s not his fault, but that should’ve been my dad. I don’t want men to do anything for me because it just fucking sucks because that should be my dad helping me, it shouldn’t be some fucking guy it should be him. I should be able to introduce him to all my partners, I want him to walk me down the aisle, I want to hear all his crazy stories, I want to show him stupid Tik toks and let him meet my cat. I wish that he had been there when I dropped out of school, when I went to detox, when I was couch surfing and trying to stay sober. I wish I could’ve gone to him. I wish he could’ve been there when I finally graduated, and when I got my dream job.
I want him to embarrass me in front of my friends, I want to make fun of him for being old, I want to listen to his ridiculously mish mash mixtape that was way too long, I want to show him what music I like. I want to show him all my tattoos, I want him to be disappointed in my new stupid tattoo ideas. I wanted him to be there when I was being a stupid teenager and tell me to stop being an idiot.
I want to scream at every man who tried to father me for daring to try and take his spot when that was his job and that was for him nobody else deserves to take that role from him just because he isn’t here.
I want to go back to when I was little, and we were sitting in his car just us and playing around with the new speech to text and he was reciting the jabberwocky poem, and we couldn’t stop laughing at the nonsense it typed out, and I want to stay in that car forever.
Today sucks. And FUCK cancer.

I often ponder what it means to grow up, Is it the moment you no longer see a child in the mirror's reflection? Or when your mother's eyes no longer hold that youthful affection? Perhaps it's when your father's arms can no longer lift you high up.
...
Yet, I sense it runs deeper than mere appearance, Perhaps it's when you awaken from a dream's trance, And find the excitement to share with your mom has lost its dance. Yes, that's when adulthood begins its eerie interference.
...
Growing up isn't about ticking off years on a page, It's about preserving that inner spark, that youthful sage. In the eyes of elders, I see traces of childhood's play, In the minds of children, I see inklings of life's pathway.
...
So embrace your mother once more, share your dreams with pride, For being an adult is a choice, not just a stride. Childhood doesn't end at eighteen's gate, It wanes when dreams no longer eagerly await, To be whispered in your mother's attentive ear, Like secrets of youth, so precious and dear.
...
I've come to realize what it truly means to grow, It's not about aging, it's about holding onto the glow, Of youthful dreams and boundless imagination, That's where adulthood finds its true validation.
...
It's my first time writing a poem and English is not my first language so please provide me good feedback so I can improve 🙏🏻
First comment: https://www.reddit.com/OCPoetry/s/nLXaZynHLD Second comment: https://www.reddit.com/OCPoetry/s/LnitDPM12v

Possible spoilers up ahead so read with caution!! Also would love to hear others opinions in the comments!
One of the worst things about engaging in this fandom no matter the platform is people seem to really misunderstand what the show is about. It is called Ginny AND Georgia not Ginny VS Georgia after all. The show is about their relationship and how even though yes they are both flawed, and one a literal murderer, they are both sympathetic in their own ways because it's all down to what they've been through.
Like ofc Georgia who lived her whole childhood being abused in every way by her parents would not really understand why Ginny needed emotional stability too. Her best parental figure as a kid was that woman from the Blood Eyes gang who saved her through the use of violence, so it's not shock she instilled those values into her kids too (doesn't make it right like she definitely needed a lot of therapy before actually being a mother but she never got that opportunity). This is also why the season 2 scene of her going to therapy with Ginny was so important (even if it was super invasive) because it's her starting to realise that she hasn't really been a good mother and that loving Ginny wasn't enough to protect her from other types of harm. It's like the first step in her trying to be a better person and get help. This is also why she killed Tom, Cynthia had done something great for her by helping her get rid of Gil (to an extent) and seeing her so broken up about Tom gave Georgia a way to show her kindness back in the only way she knows how. She was literally crying whilst doing it, she wasn't doing it because she's a sociopath or whatever people say, it's just all she knows. It's really sad when you think about it and I hope she gets a lot of help and gets to be happy in the end.
Now as for Ginny, I get that since we've seen first hand how much Georgia struggled (the abuse, not having food, the husbands ect), it's so easy to think she's being ungrateful given what Georgia went through trying to keep her safe and she was doing her best, but unfortunately the road to hell is paved with good intentions. And part of what Georgia did is find ways to disguise all the ugly parts (the dance parties to cover up Gil at the door, the pretty face paint to cover up her bruises, creating fry-yay since she had to miss the actual holiday) which definitely saved Ginny to an extent she just didn't know she had to do more because as a kid she didn't even have physical safety nevermind emotional safety which is why she never really realised how her other behaviours hurt her so much (like moving away and not ever giving her the chance to have friends). And this explains a lot of Ginny's annoying behaviour - which luckily she is getting help for - like cheating on Hunter and just being a bad friend in general she's never had actual meaningful relationships outside of her family before so of course she's not going to be the beat at maintaining them. And obviously she won't ever think about the actual consequences of things because Georgia moved her around so much she never really had to live with them before. And as for the poem, yes it was definitely harsh to us knowing why Georgia acts the way she does, but she's a child who has been through a lot too. Neither of them really know how to express their feelings in a healthy way (just as most teenagers don't god knows how many times me and my friends argued over the stupidest stuff but now we are all older and most of us have had therapy we are so much better off), but that doesn't meant Ginny was trying to hurt her. She has had so many feelings in her for so long and she was trying to get them out and have Georgia understand but she just took it the wrong way.
It's genuinely heart breaking watching 2 people who clearly love each other so much just completely misunderstand each other to the extent they continuously hurt each other.
Now don't get me wrong I'm not trying to say you can't dislike them, I mean it's all about personal preference, but we need to stop acting like to like one you have to hate the other because they aren't enemies. Can we please stop pitting them against each other?? Lets all be team Ginny AND Georgia <3
Anyway would love to hear if anyone has any other thoughts to add to my rant!!
TL;DR Both Georgia and Ginny have had bad childhoods in different ways which cause them to act terribly sometimes. A lot of Ginny's problems were caused because Georgia was never really given the chance to learn how to be a good mom, and Ginny in trying to express this often hurts her back. However this is part of the show, it doesn't mean we have to hate one to like the other. The beauty of it is how 2 flawed people can love each other so much but if they don't know how to comnunicate well, they will always hurt each other. I'm team Ginny AND Georgia.

Hi guys, I wrote this poem about a relatively new love and it’s exactly the way that I feel but i don’t know if i should share it with them. Let me know what u think.
The things I should say to you
A thousand bolts adorn the door A door that I never asked for One that was built brick by brick Over time that has burned off a crumbling wick
So much time spent in front of this door I’ve grown quite familiar with what lies before A garden of sorts, filled with shrubs and ivy All the invasive things that make this life feel a little more lively
I feel like I was born without a key And a piece of my soul exists outside of me So I search and I search for that one wildflower The thing that could make centuries feel like days and decades like hours
Then you appeared, not just as a fleeting trace But as the sun redefining the entire space You inverted shadows and light, turned ounces into pounds The first one to open my mind to looking at my garden upside down
I can now see the flowers underneath it all You helped me dig just deep enough to uncover a remedy in my fall I’ve gone from “What good is a garden that’s all dug up?” To wanting to sit on my knees for hours; each plant I will pluck
Because with you it isn’t scary; you make me feel a calmness I’ve never felt before The silence that we share would bring the heavens to the floor You are the missing piece to a puzzle that is already complete You add something otherworldly—your protective fleet
I said it to my mom and I’ll say it again - I can’t believe you’re real The symphonies you breathe into me are ones I thought only Romeo and Juliets could feel It’s the kind of love that feels like a musical note perfectly in time To make you feel seen, I would make every aspect of you rhyme
I can say I’ve never been a builder and it would be true My hands more comfortable constructing barriers than building anew But I would build homes to give you space Teach my table to have a seat, to reserve for you a place
I’ve found so many wildflowers already in the places our love has grown I know our table will one day be covered in gardens that we’ve sown I feel the most beautiful peace when I lay my head on you to rest I wonder if God's trying to speak to me through the music I hear in your chest

Please let me know what you guys think of this poem. It’s exactly how I feel about a new love but I don’t know if i should share it with them.
A thousand bolts adorn the door A door that I never asked for One that was built brick by brick Over time that has burned off a crumbling wick
So much time spent in front of this door I’ve grown quite familiar with what lies before A garden of sorts, filled with shrubs and ivy All the invasive things that make this life feel a little more lively
I feel like I was born without a key And a piece of my soul exists outside of me So I search and I search for that one wildflower The thing that could make centuries feel like days and decades like hours
Then you appeared, not just as a fleeting trace But as the sun redefining the entire space You inverted shadows and light, turned ounces into pounds The first one to open my mind to looking at my garden upside down
I can now see the flowers underneath it all You helped me dig just deep enough to uncover a remedy in my fall I’ve gone from “What good is a garden that’s all dug up?” To wanting to sit on my knees for hours; each plant I will pluck
Because with you it isn’t scary; you make me feel a calmness I’ve never felt before The silence that we share would bring the heavens to the floor You are the missing piece to a puzzle that is already complete You add something otherworldly—your protective fleet
I said it to my mom and I’ll say it again - I can’t believe you’re real The symphonies you breathe into me are ones I thought only Romeo and Juliets could feel It’s the kind of love that feels like a musical note perfectly in time To make you feel seen, I would make every aspect of you rhyme
I can say I’ve never been a builder and it would be true My hands more comfortable constructing barriers than building anew But I would build homes to give you space Teach my table to have a seat, to reserve for you a place
I’ve found so many wildflowers already in the places our love has grown I know our table will one day be covered in gardens that we’ve sown I feel the most beautiful peace when I lay my head on you to rest I wonder if God's trying to speak to me through the music I hear in your chest

here is a poem i wrote (the love thing is still something i haven’t figured out fully)
‘brother’
i am so young, innocent he has tainted that
i do not love him for the does not respect me it is black and white
my home becomes a house when he inhabits my room is stripped away from me as the wall we share keeps me from peace, from serenity
i was just 7, what did i do to deserve that abuse? i was just 7
i was just newly 17 a forced “happy birthday” by the hands of my mother, a week too late a “happy birthday” void of any warmth or care a chore to get done with i do not love him
of course i understand that there are many things he does that are out of his control/not his fault. i just need to get my feelings out as whenever i tell my mom about how he makes me feel she plays the ‘his brain is different than ours” card and moves along like nothing happened. (Also this poem barely scratches the surface)

so i recently told my gf 17 that im trying to get assessed and diagnosed with did my mom saw she had mentioned it in a text (my phone sends alerts one being "deppression") and tried scaring me with your personality is fine (2 weeks b4 i asked to see a specialist) and that if i had any of that i would be in a state psychward welp geuss what a shi ton of peeps have finally been fully showing themselves and 3 of the 5 are littles and 2 are non verbal yay the cherry on top my gf is atleast trying to learn and help my family pfft he (closeted nb) is just wanting attention thx for reading

I (f, 22) just wanted to vent somewhere people will actually understand. I’ve been dealing with GP for about 4 years now and finally got diagnosed last year, i had the botox injection in september and was in hospital for around a month, didn’t have to go back to a&e at all until the end of march where it all started happening again. for the first time in years i actually felt free and i was able to live as close to a normal life as i could, obviously being careful in what i ate and portion size but pretty much had freedom to eat what i wanted when i wanted and it just made me feel somewhat like a normal person.
since the end of march i’ve been in and out of hospital, i had another round of botox early april but that didn’t seem to help and the doctors couldn’t explain why, they said maybe it wasn’t injected in the right place or they didn’t use enough, they honestly were nearly as clueless as i was. in the end they decided to repeat the botox, that was just over a week ago. i was sent home the same day, had to go back to a&e later that evening, was sent home 2 days later and again was back in a&e that same evening. i’ve now been kept as an inpatient for a week and i’m still finding it hard to eat/drink without being sick and feeling really intense stomach pain, it gets to the point where i’m rolling around, crying and screaming in pain. doctors don’t seem to do much at all other than keep me on regular IV cyclizine and metoclopramide for sickness, subcutaneous morphine injections for the pain and a sliding scale to manage my T1DM.
when i was healthy for that october-march period i’d managed to gain some weight and was around 50kg, a week ago i was back to the godforsaken 46kg i seemed to always be stuck at before, and now i’ve gone down to 43kg which has been really disheartening and has taken a toll on my mental health. i felt i was doing so well, not only had i gained weight but also muscle, i was exercising more than i ever could have before and even walking 10-12km a day, now i can barely walk down the hall without feeling drained. i managed to get a job which i was doing quite well at and it was my first job, at 22, because i could never get hired before due to being so unreliable with my condition, luckily they understand what i have to deal with as it is my boyfriend’s family business.
i don’t know, everything is just making me feel really down and depressed and all i want is to be able to go home and go back to my life. staff at hospital also don’t help, the majority are nice but i still get comments from certain nurses who accuse me of faking to get medication or who complain when i’m crying as i’m “disturbing others” when there’s nothing i can do. i hate the way my body looks again, i hate the gap between my thighs and how i can see my ribs and bony shoulders. i hate my arms even more, all the bruises and needle marks from blood tests and IV drips, it makes me look like a junkie and i find myself crying because of it a lot.
i’ve been referred to another hospital for a consultation regarding a G-POEM but still haven’t heard from them yet. it’s just getting to the point where i’m feeling so hopeless and helpless. i’ve also been put back on anti depressants and taking diazepam regularly to help with the anxiety and distress it all causes.
at home i smoke weed, a decent amount, which helps with my appetite and also helps with my mental health struggles but obviously being in hospital i haven’t been able to smoke which makes everything so much worse as i don’t have anything to distract myself from what’s happening. some days smoking is the only thing that will get me to eat and keep me from having anxiety toward food.
my boyfriend (m, 29) and his family have been really supportive and they’re pretty much the only reason i haven’t spiraled into a full on mental health crisis, he visits nearly everyday and so does his mother who has been such a huge support for me as my own family aren’t there for me. i actually asked my mother if she would come visit me, i knew she wouldn’t, but i did it anyway, she came up with a bullshit excuse as to why she couldn’t and that nearly broke me because i was already feeling so low and on top of that i then felt rejected by my own mother, i should’ve known better but at that moment i just needed my mom. the one who came through for me that day was my boyfriend’s mom who came to see me as soon as she found out how upset i was, she held me, she let me cry and hugged me so tightly and reassured me i was loved and cared for. she’s truly been the mother i needed through this.
i know that i can be somewhat healthy and live almost normally, but right now things are just so bleak and i’m struggling to see a way out, all i want is to just be normal, it’s all i’ve wanted my entire life and it’s like no matter what i will never get that. i’ve had T1DM since i was 9 with 2 diabetes related comas under my belt by age 10, PTSD, depression, and anxiety since 12, and the GP since i was 18, it’s like i can’t catch a break. no one understands what it’s like but i keep getting told “i get it” or “i relate to that” and i know people are trying to make me feel better but to me it just comes across as diminishing what i’m going through and have been going through for so long. I was also recently told just how bad my GP is and i just couldn’t stop crying for hours, i was always told it was ‘severe’ but now i know that i have 96% retention after 4 hours and all it did was make me feel even more hopeless.
sorry for the long post, i just really don’t know where else to go where people might ACTUALLY understand what i’m going through

(It got too long, sorry, but I needed to explain) I (27F) met this INTJ online (28M) and we talked for about 3 months. Our messages were really deep and we exchanged and shared many values and it felt like we developed a deep connection and shared many views or future visions (marriage, kids etc).. we became closer until we almost every day alept on the phone (he is from another country). He said so many seeet things which even surprised me and I'm a bit shy in the beginning to say such things. But he made me thaw and open up more and more until we both became kinda lovey dovey like a couple. (But wanted to wait till we meet) I wanted to go to his country again anyway, but he gave me another reason to look forward to it a lot. It seemed so obvious that we will start a relationship after meeting that we even searched for Airbnbs together (like for 2 people).
So I went there, he was picking me up from the airport with flowers. But within the first days of my 1,5 month stay he told me he thinks he can't have a relationship now.
Now about all the more confusing things (only the things he did): - He said he started to worry earlier, so not just suddenly. But to me he kept the lovey dovey behaviour up till we met. He even kissed me the first weekend we stayed together. And he cried in my arms while talking about the not being together. - He still spent my whole stay together with me everyday, even though he had to come late after work. He cared so much for me, always asked me if I'm hungry and brought food etc. or cooked for me - Everyday before and after his work we hugged each other and wished us a good day - He told his mom and brother about me during my stay, how kind I am etc and told me his mom said she wants to meet me (why would he mention that though?) - Even though he mentioned one worry is money and time he invited me to eat out a lot and always insisted to pay except for the times I managed to give my card earlier. Even though I told him I don't care about money or his job. We all started somewhere. And I care about him as a person. - I asked for more reasons and he said there are so many worries, more about himself and that he can't tell me everything - He mentioned that I have so many "perfect girlfriend" attributes and something a man would want and wife material, but maybe some men could also think they are not good enough (maybe he also thought that?) - I told him that I usually don't like situations like this, like couple behavioubeing close like this without relationship. He agreed but he said that I am different/we are different. And when I mentioned that maybe because of that we shouldn't stay together in one place he looked really sad and in the end we stayed together till the end and I tried my best to maybe lose his fears/make him feel comfortable and enjoy time with him - He has nobody to talk to other than his family and me, because he prefers to be alone and has no friends. so it meant even more to me that he spent so much time and seemed to like me. - He said I'm a gift to him, the biggest one in his life - He told me how precious I am to him - He said he wants to always help me - He called me "cutie" in my language a lot - We practiced our languages together - Towards the end he opened up more and became more and more comfortable with me, he also mentioned then that he doesn't know if he is deserving of a relationship and when I told him that he seems quite confused he admitted that - He also became more "close" Like hugs or cuddling (not more), like initiated by him - Sometimes he said things quite randomly/surprisingly, like when we were outside he one time said that usually when he is alone he feels nothing, but with me he is happy. Later he also said that multiple times again, that with me every moment was happy and he thanked me for that - He said he also feels guilty, but guilt is not a big reason to spend time with me, if he wouldn't like spending time with me, he wouldn't - Till the end I was in his phone as "My home " with a emoji with the hearts around the head - He made me a very expensive gift in the last night before I left (even though he mentioned that his job isn't that great etc), he thought about it from before I went there - he held my hand when we went to the airport - He said I shouldn't worry too much and we will meet again and can still text, call and maybe videocall
All this effort and how he thinks about me, but being so unsure about his feelings confused me so much. I always wondered why would make someone such effort even after rejecting someone and spend so much time? So I believed in his words and I thought he is just confused and very unsure about himself and his life, from what I felt.
After I left the country he wrote things like he wants to go home together and how thankful he is and happy he was etc. We still texted afterwards but I also always kept the hope, even afterwards. He said I can't change his decision easily, but why are his actions so different from his decision? I asked him clearly if we really won't be ever able to be together, because I thought it's easier for me to accept it and move on after a clear statement. But even the response to that was unclear. Because he said something like "For your sake I think it's right to say that this is right. But you also could feel my heart"
I left him a birthday gift before I left, becaus his birthday was upcoming. And he sent me pictures after opening and also longer messages how it's touching and to thank me a lot. And also saying that I am luck to him and etc. It made me happy that the personalised gift seemed to mean a lot to him. But some days later I noticed he texted less and his responds took so long. (for the first time in months) So I asked him if he is OK? And that I thought he maybe wants to not text that much anymore or that there is a problem.. but it made him go into lecture mode, that I shouldn't assume things, because that's not the case etc. So I felt a bit sorry to express my feelings but I also told him that he also can always tell me when he needs space or something and I just try to understand him better. But he also told me he wished I wouldn't try to understand better. In my case I think an effort to understand each other better is needed though for human relationships. He later also apologised in the middle of the night, that he never wanted to hurt me but did now and that he just doesn't want me to hurt alone anymore. And I also thanked him for caring about me (since his lecturing way is also one of his ways of caring and it also helps me).
He also said if he wouldn't want to text with me or value me he wouldn't do this lecturing and just not respond. After that we exchanged a few longer positive/appreciative messages for 2 days and onto my last one he only put a heart reaction and didn't reply anymore. He liked my story when I wrote a poem in his language which was about him (nobody would know) and saying he shouldn't be too hard on himself. He still looks at my story and didn't change the stickers on his profile (which represented us) etc. I wondered if I should reach out, because it's on my mind everyday too much. Since almost 3 weeks now. But I also said and did everything I could during our time. And I also want to give him space to figure himself and his life out because he spent so much time on me before and he seems very confused about what he wants in life.. I still don't think he is someone who just says meaningful things easily..
I feel like it can't be the end like this.. Do you think he would come back by himself after some time?

hi... just a lil vent session ig. idk if this is considered ok to post here but was having a mental breakdown and had some flashbacks :/

1. when i was 7 years old, my mom read my diary. was horrible, it was a birthday present and i was going thru some very emotional stuff for a 7 year old. anywayz, she explained it as "a blessing" and that she "could finally understand" how i was feeling. yeah that was rlly traumatic and she never let me keep a diary again bc apparently the stuff i had in there was "inappropriate for a 7 year old". i was never the same again.
2. i had an enemy in primary school. at the time, i was really getting into poetry, and had a bunch of notebooks full of it that kinda doubled as my journals. well that day, i wasn't in sch and i happened to be sitting next to his best friend. during grp work, he looked thru my stuff. istg i cried so hard when i came back to sch bc i thought that at least he was a decent human being (bc thats what my parents told me: boys will be boys).
3. same guy again, two years later. going thru an exam paper so the teacher makes us sit in register number order, and coincidentally he sits at my table. i had left my notebook in a file and pushed my file to the very back of underneath table. come back, file is at the front, elastic holding the book closed is twisted (not flat like i left it) and so is the ribbon bookmark. the next day, this girl interrogates him, and here are the reasons why he looked thru my stuff again: (a) "I don't like her" and (b) "I wanted to see if she wrote anything bad about me". sure, boys will be boys, but leopards can never change their spots. i complained to the teacher, but nothing was done. rest assured i wrote an extremely violent poem abt him later. (My fists will not meet your face for I actually respect personal space.)

so yeah. idk if im allowed to post this here but ill post it somewhere else as well. spread the trauma, am i right? 👍 thx world

(*I did my makeup here but used FaceApp for the skin and hair!)
I was raised conservative and Christian. I even went to a private Christian high school. I had written a very dark poem that I don’t even remember what it said…but I do remember how I accidentally left it in class and someone anonymously turned it in which triggered a meeting w me, my parents and the principle. My dad was so upset that my mom was so sad that I learned early on to “keep up appearances”.
Some of the usual suspects: Sneaking into moms shoes at a young age, when older I was sneaking into my sisters wardrobes. When one got married, I hated what I was wearing and was so envious of her wedding dress. I played video games as female characters (and still do even at 53 now). I was jealous of the cheerleaders in high school, as an adult I almost always went as a female character for Halloween like Elsa from frozen, Supergirl or Alice in Wonderland…the list goes on.
It was probably that last costume listed that I started thinking it was more than just cross dressing. I remember coming home from that and crying (again, adult) as I didn’t want to take that look off my face. I didn’t know it at the time but that was gender dysphoria.
I rarely dated as although I liked women and still do, there was something different in how I’d relate with them. I pushed things down, binged and purged clothes and makeup more than I can remember. Eventually about 20 yrs ago I started almost exclusively going out with women who were trans. I know there are a lot of creepy chasers out there but in my case, looking at all the signs over the years, I was clearly trying to see THEIR life, and sadly kind of live my life vicariously through them I guess. I even ended up marrying a woman that is trans and still am after five years. She knew about my background beforehand but I was still trying to convince myself and her that it was just sporadic cross dressing.
At my work, I am allowed to wear nail polish and at first I felt paranoid about this and only did a few days a week and by now it’s pretty much 24/7 where I often forget I’m even wearing it. My dysphoria starting shooting up drastically then and I suddenly started really (allowing?) getting jealous of women’s clothes and body shapes. I’d feel awful about it but it was and is relentless. Around this time my wife was getting breast implants and I found myself happy for her but almost immediately I got extremely envious. Once again the person I married was essentially living the life I wish I started DECADES ago and I hadn’t even started HRT. I wouldn’t allow myself to even consider it.
Well there was an unrelated crisis months ago where we both went into individual therapy. And one thing, the main thing, that came out of mine is that to no surprise at all getting diagnosed with gender dysphoria.
I have an appointment that was made MONTHS ago (Florida, enough said) and it’s finally a week away as of tomorrow. To say that I am excited, scared, worried and so many other adjectives is a huge understatement. I’m not going to chicken out but man my wife and I will likely be getting divorced (still be friends) and my family still doesn’t even know as they will likely be blindsighted. I predict my mom will cry and my older sister will get mad but maybe I’m wrong. My brother cut me off five years ago when he found out I was marrying someone trans. The one person in my family who DOES know this about me is my younger sister who I’m closest to. Fortunately she and I are the same politically and culturally.
Have any of you that are on HRT actually waited a certain number of months (or even a year or more?) to tell family so that you could tell how it was making you feel mentally while on it so you could know 100% you weren’t one of the rare people that STOPS taking HRT? I just don’t know when and how to break something so life changing to them. And they are in California so I can’t exactly have a face to face meeting unfortunately. Did any of you get on a video call and tell your mom or dad? My younger sister has agreed to support me in this way if I do it when she is available to be at my moms for a call. Originally I was going to call May 1. Then I thought day of the first injection on May 20…but again now I’m wondering if I should wait at least two or three months to see how I’m feeling and looking. But I’m also afraid if I wait too long that they will next see me and I will look androgynous or something. I don’t usually see them more than once every 2-3 years and I will likely look VERY different by then.
Thank you for those that made it to the end of this, I’m sorry it was so long. I’m very excited but very stressed about all the likely fallout from this too. I can only hope that because I had married someone who is trans that they don’t think she suddenly made me this way but instead that maybe it will soften the shock with it being closer in the family than a transgender daughter in law or sister in law when they essentially always had another daughtesister in our family.

Ambiguous Motherhood
Over trays of sushi,
my wife thanked our son
for making us moms.
I didn't ask for any of this,
he replied, factually and I think
without bitterness.
When I think about life,
what's the point?
There is no point,
we tried to explain.
You create your own meaning.
I told him our birth story,
the 26 hours, the gush of amniotic fluid,
how he rose blue and warm
up through the waters.
I explained contractions and cervical dilation,
and he declared it made him uncomfortable.
Motherhood is uncomfortable.
I lose my own mother a bit more each year.
I have forgotten how she smelled,
how she sang.
I lost one mother to cancer
and another to homophobia.
My son wishes he hadn't been born.
I believe that some people love this day,
but I mostly wish it would pass,
to cease reminding me of the ambiguous losses
of time, of connection, of the motherhood
I thought I would experience and will not.
By now, my mom is a pile of bones
and memories I can no longer access,
so I knit another row and think of her,
and all I can do is lose another line of her,
another aspect of her,
another year of her.
Another year of me.
(poem, mine)

I am a girl in my late teens and I live in India. I live at home with my parents and I am a single child.My dad works a corporate job and my mom is a housewife.I would say I have a very good relationship with both my parents, they are great parents and have sacrificed a lot for me. They got married against their families' wishes and in India back in the early 2000s that used to be a big deal. We've had rocky relationships with both sides of the extended families so they're all I have, they're my biggest support system and my best friends. They've never treated me like they are my parents and I'm their kid. At home we all treat each other as equals and everyone's opinion is heard. Since they got married against their families' wishes my mom always told me one thing and that was if I wanted to marry someone I just had to ask and they would support my decision and welcome my future husband into the family with open arms which is a gesture I deeply appreciate. Although I have never felt like I want to get married recently me and my childhood best friend got into a relationship and I really feel like he could be the one but we have no intentions of getting married now we have atleast 10 years ahead of us which is a long time but I am becoming more open to the idea of marriage and being someone's wife. My friends at college often tell me that their parents are not as open to the idea of marrying for love with some of them also giving sly hints that if we don't do well in terms of grades then they will set them up to get married with someone after crossing legal marriage age. As I mentioned before I'm a single child which meant I got all the love and affection from my parents but at the same time they expect a lot from me academically speaking which I understand in today's world you have to be competitive. So lately I've been preparing for an entrance exam which is in June I've been doing my best waking up early studying for hours and sticking to my schedule as much as possible. Last week I had just had my lunch and was watching TV which I only do when I have my lunch and dinner. I was sitting on the couch when my mom walks in with no prior warning just says to me that you know how u tell me that your friends parents often tell them that if they don't do well they will be married off in an arranged marriage, we'll have to do the same if you don't clear this exam. At first she said it so calmly I almost thought it was a joke and I replied with what. She looked at me like she meant it and I told her I'm sorry but if you want I'll move out of the house ( just so u know in India kids don't usually leave their parents house unless they're getting married and even then the boys will stay with their parents and take care of them along with their wives) but I won't marry against my will. She looks at me and goes I'm not giving you a choice honey. I immediately left the room and went back to mine it took me a good 15 minutes to realize what had just happened and when I did I just started crying and couldn't stop for a good hour or so I felt sick to my stomach. My first thought was how she would never say this to me if I was a boy I felt humiliated that after all that I have done for you this is what you're reducing me to. Today was mother's Day and I hadn't spoken to her for almost a week I would speak to my dad after he got home but generally I avoided speaking to her. Usually on mother's Day I would go out and buy her some earrings from my pocket money and prepare some sort of a greeting card for her. Last year I wrote her a poem and she loved it. I wished her when I woke up in the morning and went on with my day she didn't say anything and neither has she shown any remorse or regret for saying that to me. My dad knows that we had a fight but doesn't know what happened exactly so he thinks it's just a small bump in the road. I'm sure he'll react the same way I have if I told him which I haven't yet. The only reason I have been doing well is because I have been speaking to my childhood friends almost everyday I wasn't in contact with them until very recently it seems like they are the ones that have saved me from this hellhole of a living situation. Today I spoke to one of my other friends who lives in the same building as me and told her about this situation at home she empathized with me and asked me to try and resolve this for the sake of my own mental health and sanity. Also with the upcoming exam stress I should keep myself composed which I agree with. But something inside me keeps telling me to not give in. We argue every now and then and it's usually because of something I did to which I immediately apologize and still she givese the silent treatment sometimes inspite me apologizing I want to resolve it but this time I'm deeply hurt and can't help it. What should I do? And AITA?

Good morning, my Mom, It’s a wonderful day! And for the occasion I just want to say…
I’m thankful to you For being my mother, And loving me always; I’d not want another.
For teaching me kindness, For showing me grace, For giving me strength, When trials I face.
I come to you firstly Whenever I’m stuck, Since I know you’ll still love me. (Though I did smash your duck…)
You’re strong-willed and stubborn And taught me to strive Towards truth while unwav’ring And in adversity, thrive.
You showed me what laughs are; My humor is yours. You found me when I would Hide deftly in stores.
You’ve been our protector, When stakes were quite high. I’d eat 8 tons more Of your great shepherd’s pie.
I love you forever, And hope you can see, That for now and for always My Mommy you’ll be.