After sixty-seven sessions of Curse of Strahd (read all about it here), it was time for a change. So into the wild we went...
My group is nearing the end of Hither, and along the way I've written summaries of each session ("What Just Happened?"), along with interesting/funny quotes from PCs/NPCs ("Certain Things Were Said"), and a list of new characters introduced that session ("Dramatis Personae").
My intention is to write the summaries for each of the five parts of the campaign in a different format. For the Witchlight Carnival, each summary was presented in verse (my own, no machine learning shortcuts!), using the the metre and rhyming structure of various Lewis Carrol poems.
I'd like to share my summaries/poems with you all here, for posterity, and in the hope you'll find them entertaining.
For reference, the players are:

• Holafina (a harengon paladin who has lost three inches of height)
• Skerrek (a kobold druid who has lost the ability to lie)
• Arix (an owlin monk who has lost all sense of direction and is always hungry)
• Jexim (a brash fairy who has lost his diary)
• Sylenos (a beatnik, slacker satyr employed by the Carnival)

NOTE: Lewis Carroll was known to hide secret messages in his poems. I've done the same, revealing the campaign's big twist in one of the poems below. None of my players have picked up on it.

Part I: Welcome to the Witchlight

What Just Happened? (in the style of Jabberwocky)
’Twas twilight when the carnival Did open wide two golden gates, And those with tickets did arrive, Seeking things they had misplaced.
One harengon of curious size, A kobold with a slithy gait, An owlet who possessed two eyes As wide as Annam’s dinner plates.
Yet are we three or are we four? Let’s add vibrations rarefied: A Witchlight hand here to ensure That every guest is Satyrs-fied!
Enter now and taste the sounds, Feel these colours, smell those sights! Kaleidoscopic fun abounds This synaesthesiac’s delight!
Yet where’s the drama? Where’s the tension? Certainly we’ve had a switch (At least in here there is no mention Of that cad von Zarovich).
Instead let’s race a giant snail, Eat candied mushrooms by the pound, Or listen to a gnome assail The tightness of your mother’s gown.
Yet hark! A misadventure glum! Those not heroes please give berth! The best laid plans of love undone By Tasha’s wild unruly mirth
These mirrored halls! This desperate task, To find a luckless paramour A sweet-toothed lass with porcine mask That you could swear you’ve seen before…
’Twas twilight when the carnival Did open wide two golden gates And those with tickets did arrive, Now guided by the wiles of fate.
Dramatis Personae
Arix Specklefoot, a sweet-toothed owlin Holafina, a curiously short harengon Skerrek Tirael, a slithy kobold Sylenos, a cosmic satyr Nicholas Midnight, elderly goblin ticketmaster at the Witchlight Carnival Candlefoot, a mime and not by choice Rubin Sugarwood, a lovesick halfling Ween Sundapple, his laugh-sick paramour Glorange Turple, a poetry gnome
Certain Things Were Said
“I am worried about your ability to sense vibrations that I cannot.” - Skerrek Tirael
“Tymore, goddess of good fortune! Look well upon Shellymoo this day!” - Holafina
“Hate to say it, man, but that gnome really insulted your mother.” - Sylenos
“Snacks?” - Arix Specklefoot

Part II: Lost and Found

What Just Happened? (In the style of The Walrus and the Carpenter )
"The time has come," the Satyr said, "To talk of many things: Of poems—and props—and Jeremy Plum— Of crowns and pixie kings— And why things here keep getting lost— And what this pig-girl means."
"But wait a bit," the Owlin cried, "Before our minds do meet, For some of us are pretty spooked, And I would like a treat!" "No hurry!" said the Satyr, And kicked up cloven feet.
The Owlin and the Kobold Were walking close at hand, They smiled like anything to see The gates of Pixie Land. "If we could only stay a while,” They said, "it would be grand!"
The Satyr sighed so sulkily, Because he thought that Plum Had got no business to be there When all was said and done. (“It's rude of him," the Kobold said, "To try and spoil our fun!")
"Oi, Satyr," said the pixie king, "You've had a pleasant run! Should you be getting back to work?” But answer came there none And this was scarcely odd, because He had real beef with Plum.
Now Arix made a hamster friend Who offered up some clues. The others tried the riding-pug: A pleasant thing to do! (“The pug is fine," the Rabbit said, "But he’s no Shellymoo.”)
"How nice of you to come!” said Plum, "You all are oh-so kind!" Puddlemud said nothing as His teeth began to grind. The Owlin and the Kobold cheered: “That was our FAVORITE ride!”
“A wooden crown," fair Jexim said, Is what we need to come Our way along with golden paint For some un-princely sum.” The others stared, confused, and said: “Now where did YOU come from?”
‘Twas then the party dared approach The famous Mystery Mine Where psychedelic spectacles Broke the Satyr’s mind. (“I really wish,” Zephixo sighed, “You wouldn’t ride while high”).
Next Dirla pulled all kind of things Out of his wagon/portal: Bottles, bunnies, candlesticks, A shining blade of vorpal (Incidentally, there’s a word That kind of rhymes with purple).
“If you put your mind to it And searched for long enough, Do you suppose," the party said, "That you could find our stuff?" "I doubt it," said dear Dirlagraun, And gave a bitter huff.
Then he gave the Harengon The greatest gift by far: A copy of “Gnome On The Run” And bid them au revoir (Morgie would have laughed at that While struggling with slash “R”).
“I do believe,” the Satyr said, “That something is not right, And think we ought to pay a call To Messers Witch and Light.” “I think we ought,” the Owlin said “To first stop for a bite.”
But in their way old Thaco stood, A clown grown grim and surly: “Rabbit! Owlin! Pixie! Skink! You aren’t allowed to be-“ The Fairy interrupted him: “Wait, WHAT did you call me?”
Poor Thaco cried: “Things move too fast! And have since my debut In R-1: To the Aid of Falx From Nineteen Eighty Two! And if you’d seen what I have seen Then you’d smoke bubbles, too!”
Finally he stepped aside, At last the way was clear. The Satyr ambled stealthily With open eyes and ears And pressed them to a wagon large To see what he could hear.
"The time has come," Witch and Light said, "To talk of things galore Of prizes—plans—and kenku pests— and ever so much more— But first we’d better ask inside Those spying at our door!”
Dramatis Personae
Jexim, a puzzled, puzzling fairy Jeremy Plum, operator of the Pixie Kingdom and bestower of silly names Biscuit, a talkative hamster Pinecone, a riding-pug Zephixo, dwarven inventor and mastermind behind the Mystery Mine Ernest Wilde, middle-aged calliope master currently inhabiting the body of his pet monkey Marigold, his button-collecting goblin assistant Dirlagraun, a kindly but inefficient displacer beast, minder of lost children and property Thaco, a bubble-smoking clown who is long past his prime
Certain Things Were Said
"Worried I was, with talk of missing supper." - Arix Specklefoot
"Could you not just purchase a new pair?" - Skerrek Tirael "Not like this, man." - Sylenos
"If you'd see the things I've seen, you'd smoke a bubble pipe, too." - Thaco
"Is this it?" - Dirlagraun "NO." - Everyone

Part III: On the Trail of the Kenku

What Just Happened? (In the style of The Hunting of the Snark)
"Where the heck is our stuff? We just want to know This Harengon ain't getting bigger, Arix has no idea of where to go And lies send poor Skerrek a-quiver!"
"Would you get back to work?" Mister Light cried, Twirling his cane with a smile, "Otherwise find where this kenku pest hides; She's cramping this carnival's style!"
"Well, that was a bust," said our heroes, conferring, "Anyone got a suggestion? If we need to pull strings to get back our things Then there are some folk we should question."
"Time's an illusion, free will a delusion!" Sylenos' mentor decreed, "Get a contusion battling occlusions, Or relax and have some of this…wait, what was I saying?"
Sylenos proclaimed: "A genius flawed!" "A man/dragon ahead of his time." Skerrek looked at his claws; Holafina at paws, And the other two just rolled their eyes
"A centuar I'm not! I just made a bad trade The "Cloppinton's" just serendipitous, Now lend me your aid and you'll maybe persuade These horsies to drop some significance."
Then they took to the skies on a dragonfly ride (Holafina and Skerrek abreast), When you're this high there's just nowhere to hide (And to which Sylenos attests)
Now Skerrek honed on a runaway gnome Who was fleeing the carnage with glee, Holafina struck home and that's it for this poem For the gnome was the kenku, you see.
Dramatis Personae
Mister Witch, a matter-of-fact elf, devoid of pretense Mister Light, a flamboyant elf, luminous and coy Burly, a philosophical, pumpkin-helmeted bugbear Mandragon, a seeker of truth (and not much else) Diana Cloppington, a centaur who is apparently not, operator of the Carousel Northwind, a very forthcoming treant, operator of the Dragonfly Rides
Certain Things Were Said
"There’s something weird going on. For some reason everyone thinks I don’t do anything around the carnival." - Sylenos
"It's true, Miss Cloppinton! We've ALL lost things." - Arix Specklefoot
"Wait, when did we have biscuits?" - Jexim

Part IV: Through the Looking Glass

What Just Happened? (In the style of A Boat Beneath a Sunny Sky)
Now hear the Kenku’s strange reply (As Arix struggles to apply Triage to these pixie guys)
Asking questions, getting nought Set her on a different course: High sabotage without remorse!
And what has got her so irate Is what’s she trying to intimate: Zybilna has been quiet of late!
Ignore the rest, and let’s take flight To confront dear Witch and Light (Surprisingly, they’re quite contrite)
To keep the carnival in motion A tapestry of lies was woven: A deal with the Hourglass Coven!
Who take from those who can’t afford Entrance through the Witchlight’s doors Miscellanea adored
So THAT’s who taken all your junk! Time to find these Hourglass punks! Which way to this Feywild dump?
But first we’ll make a brief aside So Candlefoot can vocalise His mermaid love (now legalised)
Now the pair can tie the knot And while we’re passing time why not Ride the fabled Bubble Pot?
Yet ere you all are translocated (Everybody’s breath now bated) Arix must be coronated!
The time of truth has come at last Hesitation as you pass Though the hallowed looking glass
Are you afraid to lose your minds? What lies ahead? What lies behind? What do you expect to find?
Will Skerrek ever fabricate? Or Holafina emulate A bunny’s median height and weight?
Shall Jexim’s memoirs find acclaim? Can Monty locate Bobbitt Fane? (…hang on, that’s a different game)
Does Arix ever find the door? And will Sylennos flee the cause To study unemployment law?
Dramatis Personae
Kettlesteam, a mischievous patron of Zybilna Paleesha, a mellifluous mermaid, now reunited with Candlefoot
Certain Things Were Said
“Sylenos, perhaps in eight years you can come back and find your lost employment.” - Skerrek
“Ask me where the exit is.” - Arix Specklefoot “Where is the exit?” - Mister Light “I don’t know.” - Arix

Today is a Tuesday, a very ordinary Tuesday. I am currently lying in bed writing this diary. I have this “it is too late to apologize 🎵” song playing in my head, but I also feel that is going to be too emotional. I cant be, because since last crying, my eyes are constantly hurt and i think I might have glaucoma. I have an eye appointment tomorrow, before I get my diagnosis, I should keep it chill, otherwise I might go blind. So I cant cry, I think I am the victim, but somehow, he made it seem like he is, and I think if I apologized, everything will be well. But my pride wont let me. Is it fair? Probably yes, I fucked up sometime, he fucked up sometime. He apologized, I dont give a fuck. Sorry doesnt mean anything to me,probably just means I win this fight. Thats why, I cant say sorry. Then he wins And i know this is wrong and unhealthy, but it is what it is Suddenly remembered the book i read about handling stress. It said lot of times we have those why we do that moment and its because we are under stress and cant think straight. Yeah, I almost want this to fuck up i guess. In fact he is right, about lots of things. Well anyway, I cant cry, can’t apologize, cant sleep either. I dont think im a horrible person, times like this makes me wish that I can just off, in return of everyone else’s happy life. I would happily off myself. But my therapist said thats not a good way to think things. You need to be positive.
They say you have free will. I doubt that.

TW: Alcoholism, drug addiction, violence, suicidal ideation, sex abuse
This is going to be a LLLLLOOONNNNGGGGG one. This story goes back quite a way, but yesterday was the tenth anniversary of the ending to this story and I'm feeling it, still got some guilt about everything that happened, wondering what I could have done differently and I just want to vent it out and hope to get some closure from it.
This story started in 2010.
Characters in this story (names are fake, duh!):

• Me, Guy, 32M at the time, 45 now.
• My BFF Stephanie, 33F at the time.
• Stephen, 40M at the time, Stephanie's boyfriend.
• Maryse, 27F at the time.

Background and intro
I had known Stephanie for many years and we had the kind of friendship that made her BFs and my GFs uncomfortable to put it lightly. We had never crossed that boundary and I wouldn't consider us in the friendzone, we were just friend, but the kind of friend where she would sit on my lap with her arms around my neck or her head on my shoulder.
At the start of 2010, Stephanie met her then boyfriend, Stephen. He tolerated me and my friendship with Stephanie because I also had a gf back then. She liked Stephanie, wasn't at all jealous of my friendship with her, so he didn't deem me too suspicious. Then my gf and I broke up for reasons unimportant and all hell broke loose for Stephen. He became convinced that I would try and steal Stephanie from him. He insisted that Stephanie introduce me to her female friends or female friends of his. Thus began what I called the year of the 50 blind dates. It was probably closer to 20, but still I like saying the year of 50 blind dates. Most of them were unremarkable and never went beyond the first date. There are some fun stories in there if anyone wants to hear them eventually!
In July of that year, I had to switch gears because I had to focus up and study for a professional exam for a certification important to my career. This exam required close to 600-800 hours of study over a 3-4 month period. So I hunkered down, told Stephanie to stop the blind dates for now because I had to focus on that. She respected my wishes and, other a text here or there, we went low contact for the last two months before the exam.
Except for one fateful night in September. Her birthday was in September and she always threw these big bashes at her house. She would throw a big pool party that started around noon and would go on to the wee hours of the morning. I knew she would harass me to go to her party, so I made some quick math and figured I would lose more energy and time trying to dodge her calls, texts and most likely visits at my place than by just going to the party itself. So when she called me to ask, I just said: "Okay I'll go to your damn party, now git." I texted her I would get there in the evening probably around 8. She texted back "Great, can't wait. Now study, bitch!"
So I ultimately get there around 8PM. Basically everybody is already drunk off their gourd. Stephanie sees me, squeals in excitement and runs to me in her bikini and just jumps in the air and slams into me, wraps her arms around my neck and her legs around my waist and gives me a big hug. I hug her back and just keep walking back to the pool where she had started, carrying her with me. I just duck my head around hers and say hi to Stephen, who just glares at me.
She drops back down and I give her her gift. We chat for a few seconds and says "There's beer in the fridge and food in the dining room." I told her I'd be right back.
I go inside and grab a beer from the fridge. I head to the dining room and the table is against the wall with a buffet of sandwiches, tomato pizza, salads, etc. I grab a plate and start putting food on it. I was focused on the task because I was starving. I barely noticed, sitting at the end of the table one of the most stunning woman I have ever seen. I just see her in my peripheral vision and I do a quick double take, quick glance at her and back to the food. I do that a second time. And finally a third time. At that point she is just straight up staring at me and I can't help but chuckle and whisper under my breath "Subtle Guy, sub-tle".
Thankfully she starts laughing too, saving me some embarassment. I look at her and greet her. She says "Hi, I'm Maryse and I'm guessing you're Guy?" I just nod and we start talking. At that point, I just thought I have no shot with her, she's so far out of my league that I'm just gonna talk to her until she sees one of the "models" hanging out by the pool and ditches me for him.
So I'm not feeling like I'm playing for anything, so I'm just myself and not nervous, just talking to her as I would any friend. We chat and she laughs at all my jokes, she gets all my cultural references. She never gets up or ditches me. The plate of food I had made and the beer I had gotten are sitting on the table next to me untouched, I was too busy with the convo to think about food or beer anymore.
After what felt like only 20-30 minutes, Stephanie comes in and tells me, fake grumpy: "So that's where you disappeared to. I invite my best friend to a party and he spends the whole night talking to someone else." I laugh and go: "What do you mean the whole night? I haven't been here that long." She says "Dude, it's 2AM. You've been here for 6 hours..." My jaw dropped and I just said: "Wow, time flies when you're having fun." Maryse chimes in, with a big smile: "It sure does!" That made me happy as you can imagine.
Now I was a little stuck because where Stephanie lived, there's no night service for the bus and the subway had been closed for an hour or so. I figured I would cab it. So I turn to Maryse and tell her: "It was absolutely lovely to meet you and I enjoyed our conversation very much." She says that she did too. I continued with "At the moment, my schedule is incredibly hectic. I'm basically working full-time, studying full-time and sleeping part-time. So I don't have a lot of free time, but if she was interested, whatever little free time I had, I would love to call her or text her to keep on getting to know her."
I see Stephanie in the backgroudnd, looking like a proud mama at how smooth that came out, knowing I was always anything but smooth with women, as proven by the string of blind dates! Maryse has a big smile and we exchange numbers. I go to Stephanie to wish her a happy birthday again. While I'm talking to her, my phone buzzes with a text from Maryse: "Just checking!"
I asked Stephanie "What's the best cab company to call in this area?" Maryse chimes in: "Where do you live?" I tell her where I lived and she goes "It's on the way to where I live, I can give you a ride if you want." Stephanie raised an eyebrow in surprise. I learned later, she did it because it absolutely was not on the way to her place, like, at all. I say that I would love that as it would give us a chance to keep talking.
We get in her car, driving to my place. We talk, she asks me what I'm studying as I hadn't mentioned it earlier. I tell her all about the boring maths I had to study. Much too quickly, we get to my place. She parks in front of my building and we keep talking. At some point, I tell her: "Normally, this is where I would try to "trick" you into coming up to my place..." She interrupts me: "You wouldn't need to trick me. I'm willing and able!"
I tell her that "As tempting as that sounds, I know who I am and I know that if you come up and things proceed to where they're going, I'm not going to be able to study for the rest of the month. I have a kind of obsessive mind and when I find someone or something I like, I can push everything else to the side in favor of that. So to make sure I can still focus on my studying, I have to go up by myself."
She looks at me, a little disappointed but then says, half-jokingly: "We don't have to go up, there's a backseat right there!" We laugh and I give her a kiss and wish her a good night. I managed to stay strong and go back to my condo. Damn it, why did I have to stay strong!!!
My exam was at the beginning of november. During the month of october, we texted a bunch of times and talked on the phone. We went for coffee a couple of times and dinner once. She respected my boundaries and never pushed for more, which I appreciated but also hated at the same time, if that makes sense. The exam came and it was a monster of a Friday. I slept for basically 18 hours after the exam as the adrenalin dropped and my system crashed.
I texted her when I woke up at around 1PM. She was working at the clothing store Stephanie owned. She said "I'm off at 5PM, wanna meet me." I said: "Duh! Why do you think I'm texting? ;)" So I met her at the store downtown. I asked if she wanted to grab a drink, go for dinner, or what. She proposed going to her place and getting some take out. Stephanie who was closing the store at that moment, came up to us and said: "Hey, so what are we doing?" I said: "WE, that is Maryse and I, are going to her place and getting some takeout. Bye!" I'm sure you'll understand when I tell you that no food was ever ordered that night!
Thus followed a whirlwind month of November where any free time we had was spent together, and I wasn't going to complain!
The troubles
By the start of december, things were still going great with us. One saturday night, we were having dinner at a restaurant and I mention that this coming Friday is my office Christmas party, that it's employees only, so we wouln't see each other that night. She tells me: "Oh sure, that's fine! It'll give me a chance to go see some girlfriends I've been neglecting lately." I said "Great! BTW I also got us a reservation at [this great restaurant she had mentioned a few times] for next Saturday, so we could go there and I'll tell you all about my party and you can tell me all about her night with the girls!"
That was settled, I thought. I was wrong. On Thursday, we had spent the evening together at her place and I was about to leave to go back to my place. She tells me: "So are you coming to meet me at the store tomorrow or do I go to your place?" I reminded her: "Neither, tomorrow is my office Christmas party and we won't see each other tomorrow." She said: "Oh right, I forgot." I asked her if she had made plans with her friends like she had mentioned last saturday. She said that they were all busy tomorrow and weren't available.
She suggested "If your party is boring, maybe you could come meet me." I retorted that it wasn't going to be, knowing who was going to be there.
"Yeah but what if?"
"But it won't"
"But what IFFFFFF?" she kept insisting and I kept saying no. After what felt like 30 minutes of that (probably only 2-3 minutes in reality), I had enough and just said to end the argument: "Okay, if it's boring, I'll come. but it won't be." She said: "Cool" with a big smile on her face. I came to learn that that smile meant "Challenge accepted".
The following night, my colleague and I were pregaming in a conference room before leaving for the party proper and my phone buzzes. Maryse was wishing me a good party. I replied. She texted me again. I replied. She texted again, but I was in a conversation with a colleague so I didn't reply or even look at the phone. My phone buzzes again. Still talking, and didn't want to be rude to my colleague. Another buzz. I just kept talking. Phone buzzes differently, she was now calling because I hadn't answered her texts.
"Why aren't you replying to my texts?"
"Hey, sorry, was talking to my colleague Patrick."
"What? you don't want to talk to me?"
"I am talking to you now."
"Why didn't you reply to my texts?"
"Because it would have been rude to my colleague to pull my phone out while talking to him."
"But you're talking to me now."
"Because I thought something was wrong, maybe it was an emergency."
"I wanted to talk to you, that's all."
"Well, gotta go back to the party. Talk to you later."
She kept texting and if I didn't reply right away, she would call after two or three missed texts. After about 2 hours of this, I stopped answering the texts. When she called back, I asked her: "Aren't you supposed to be working?" which started another round of guilt-tripping of "why are you asking me this? you don't want to talk to me?" At that point I had had enough and wanted to enjoy my party. I remembered that the Blackberry (no shaming old tech!) I had had an annoying feature, but I was hoping to put it to good use at that moment.
Whenever the battery would get really low, like less than 1%, it would let out an ear-piercing BEEP for about 3 seconds, reminiding you to charge it and giving you a heart attack all at the same time. It would do that even when you were in silent mode. It had happened a few days earlier when I was with Maryse. I figured, if I press a button on the Blackberry, it would make a beep too that could be heard through the phone. So while I was talking to Maryse, I pressed my thumb on the space bar for a good 3 seconds and sputtered; "what... the .... what?" trying to put on a somewhat believable performance.
She asked what that noise was and I tell her that it was my blackberry letting me know I was low battery and it might shut off any second. I told her "Listen I'm gonna wish you a good night, I'm having a good time at my party so I'll see you tomorrow at 5PM to go spend our evening together. I hope you have a good....." and hung up mid-sentence. I promptly shut my phone off and went back to the party. I concede that I may be a bit of an AH for that move.
The party was great, I got drunk much quicker than I expected owing to the fact that I hadn't had a drink in over two months because Maryse didn't drink so I didn't either when we were together, and we were always together. At 1AM, I went home and passed out on my bed.
This is another place where I may have been an AH. I didn't turn my cell phone back on and I unplugged my home line too, because I wanted to sleep the deep sleep of the drunkard. I woke up at around 1:30 PM, not knowing it was already too late. In my mind, I was meeting Maryse at 5PM to go out on the town that night. Maryse had other ideas as you'll see.
So like I said, I woke up at 1:30PM and was sticky with alcohol sweat, so I went straight for the shower to get clean again. While in the shower, my stomach grumbled with hunger and I started daydreaming of bacon and eggs. That pushed me out of the shower right quick. I dried myself off quickly, tied the towel around my waist and went to the fridge. No bacon.... booo. Looked at the egg compartment... no eggs... booo again. Okay then, how about a cream cheese bagel. No cream cheese, damn it. Look in the pantry, no bagels.... god. I was starting to get angry. Okay, cereals then. I pick up the cereal box, that mofo was empty and I get mad: "who's the idiot who puts the empty box back in the pantry?" I remembered I live alone.
I close the fridge dejected and see the grocery list stuck on the fridge, taunting me with everything I wanted to eat for breakfast written on it. But I felt like if I went to the grocery store hungry as I Was, I'm just gonna pay 600$ and not get one single healthy thing to eat. I then remembered there's a restaurant next to the grocery store that serves breakfast until 3PM. I get excited! I get dressed quickly, grab my wallet and keys, put my boots on, my coat on, wrap my scarf, my tuque and my gloves and go to the restaurant. If you notice, I didn't mention my phone in there.
I get to the restaurant and confirm that they still have breakfast and get even more excited when she confirms it. I order the "heart attack", at least that's how I nicknamed it: 3 eggs, 3 servings of bacon, 2 sausages, and, I guess to give one peace of mind, fruit (or to be precise, one single solitary slice of orange). Now that the food is ordered and coming I figured I would check if I have any messages. I pat the pocket where my phone always is. No phone. uh-oh. I start clutching evert pocket, no luck.
I wonder if I should go back home after the meal before going to the grocery store and decide against it, it would be too long a detour. So I scarf my breakfast down, rush through the grocery store. I get home and set my bags down in front of the fridge. I go pick up my blackberry. I turn it back on. The little tape icon tells me there are messages on my voicemail, at that time there were no red dots with a number in it to tell you how many.
I connect to the voicemail while starting to put the groceries away. The little automated voice tells me "You have 25 new messages." I pull the phone away from my ear, look at it in disbelief as if saying: "are you f'ing kidding me?" So I press 1 to start playing the messages.
Remember: Maryse knew I was at a party with a dead phone, no chargers and I probably wouldn't get home until 1AM. From 6:30PM, when my phone died, to 11:34 PM, when she went to sleep she left me 9 messages. BTW I know she went to sleep at 11:34PM because she left me a message saying "it's 11:34PM and I'm going to bed. Thinking of you." The 9 messages were in the same vein. These are the salient details, but the messages were all much longer.
She woke up at 7:15 the following day, I'll let you guess how I know that tidbit of information! She left me 5 more messages like those from the day before: 7:15 woke up. 7:35 going to take a shower. 7:55 out of the shower. 8:25 getting ready to leave for work 8:50 walking out of the subway to go to the store.
She leaves me another message at 9 that was different. She sounded very excited as if she had had the best idea in the world: "Hey it's 9AM, I'm about to start my shift. I know we're only supposed to meet after my shift, but what if you came and met me for lunch so you could tell me all about your party." I just did my best Scooby-Doo "Ruh-Roh" and chuckled that I blew that, not thinking the calamity that was awaiting me.
Another couple of messages to talk logistics: "I could take my lunch at 12 or 12:30, let me know which you prefer." "I'm taking my lunch at 12:30"
A slightly worried message: "It's 11:15 and you stil have not said if you were coming or not, are you okay?"
The first bomb goes off and I knew I was in trouble then: "Where are you? We're supposed to meet for lunch and you still haven't given me any sign of life, you're not answering your home phone either, what happened?" Reminder: we were not supposed to meet for lunch, she suggested doing so a couple of hours earlier and I never agreed to anything. I guess she told her colleagues I would meet her for lunch and it was now fact and could perhaps make her look bad in front of her colleagues.
The second bomb drops: "It's almost noon now, WHERE ARE YOU? Stephanie says you're probably sleeping off your drunk, but I don't believe her. I'm sure you got yourself a slut and cheated on me. Didn't you? didn't you, you asshole." Stephanie knows me very well, but that wasn't enough for Maryse it seems.
Ensued four more messages from 12:30 to 1:15, where she starts sounding more and more drunk and accusatory, spewing more attacks like in the message above. At that point I already knew it was over, there was no coming back from that. I can understand having trust issues, but that was nuclear. I don't tolerate jealousy because of horrible experiences with a couple of jealous toxic exes.
A final message comes in, and it's a different voice, that of my best friend being more than a little angry: "Hey Guy, listen, Maryse tells me you had a Christmas party yesterday, so I'm guessing you're sleeping off your drunk, still. But call me when you get this. I put Maryse, who's f'ing drunk, in the backstore so she can dry off and "do inventory". She can't be on the sales floor obviously and I just don't feel safe sending her home in the state she's in. Call me to tell me how you want to handle this."
At that point I had finished putting away my groceries and had put my boots and my coat on and was making my way to the subway to go to the store. I call Stephanie and tell her I got the messages and I was coming. She was right, I was sleeping off my drunk and had just woke up (didn't feel the need to mention the breakfast and grocery store). I ask her if she knows what I'm gonna do when I get there. She says that she knows and understands. She knows my bad history.
When I get out of the subway, I call her again before getting to the store. I ask her how she wants me to do this. It's her store and I don't want to create drama in front of her customers. Does she want me to wait outside and she tells Maryse to meet me in the street or do I go in the store and she takes me to the backstore and I do it there? She says to come to the store.
I walk in the store and every saleswomen on the floor looks at me and gives me the biggest case of the stink-eye. They only have Maryse's side of the story, so they think I did all these horrible things. I see Stephanie in the middle of the store and I walk towards her. She shakes her head and points me towards the cash register. I look over there and see Julia, a salesperson that I've known for a couple of years and really like, who also happens to be the biggest gossip in the store. I understand what Stephanie is trying to do. She's gonna make me tell her my story in front of Julia so Julia can spread the "good news" to the other employees and rehabilitate my name possibly.
So I get to the register and say Hi to Julia. She barely acknoledges me. Steph joins me. She asks me:
"How are you?"
"I was better an hour ago, before I listened to those voicemails. I had gone to our office party last night, had a great night, got drunk off my ass, got home at around 2 and woke up around 2."
Julia asks "Maryse told us you were supposed to meet her for lunch."
"No we weren't. I have a reservation for tonight at XYZ restaurant. I was supposed to take the day to do errands, stuff around the condo and meet her here at closing time. She suggested that it could be fun if I came at lunchtime to meet her, but that was never the plan."
Julia asks again "But why didn't you answer your phone?"
"It ran out of battery last night during the party and when I got home, I was so drunk that I forgot to plug it back in. I only plugged it when I woke up at 2. That's when the messages came in."
Julia asks "She says she tried calling your home line and you didn't answer and your machine didn't kick in."
"Yeah, that one's my fault, I knew I wanted to sleep and telemarketers have a habit of calling me early saturday mornings so I didn't want to be awoken by a call for a rug cleaning service, so I unplugged it yesterday morning, knowing I would be drunk when I got home and forget and be angry if I was awakened by a telemarketer."
Julia gave me a hint of a smile, showing me she was starting to believe me. She asked me a few more questions and then she asked what I was gonna do. I told her that whatever I'll do, I would tell Maryse first.
I looked at Stephanie and said: "Can you open the back store so I can go see her?" So we went to the backstore. As we reached the door, it swung opened and out popped Maryse, looking absolutely terrifying, I actually jumped back when I saw her. Her usual perfect makeup was completely smeared, her mascara streaking down her cheeks from the crying. Her hair was disheveled. She was a mess. Apparently, she had had enough of waiting back there and was planning on leaving the store to go home and had put her coat and boots on.
When she saw me, she went into an unhinged rant about me being an asshole for cheating on her, me not being great in bed, me not treating her right, etc. I let her vent everything she had to say, I looked at Stephanie and apologized for creating such a scene in her store. I tell Maryse we should go outside and talk in private. She keeps on yelling, but when I grab her hand to lead her outside, she follows.
When we get outside, her anger had started to wane a little, or maybe just her energy. I was able to talk to her to explain everything, how I had gotten drunk, had overslept (alone) and woke up at 2PM. I reminded her that we were only supposed to meet at 5PM not for lunch. The anger was leaving her and a smile almost appeared on her face. Through all of this I was being very calm and patient with her, which she interpreted as me not being mad at her. I then said in a firmer tone: "However..." and let it hang for a second.
The beginning smile vanished. I continued: "When you accused me of cheating on you, that broke me. That triggered memories of toxic exes who would always accuse me of cheating, not trusting me when I would tell them where I was, snooping on me, stalking me. Because of those experiences, I have a zero tolerance policy for jealousy. I told her that if she was behaving like after only two months of dating, it didn't bode well for the future and I have to protect myself."
At that, the tears started again and she just turned and ran/waddled away. I told her to wait, but she didn't hear me. I turned towards the entrance of the store to see basically all the employees and customers milling around the door trying to catch the drama. I went back inside to talk to my best friend. The mood had definitely changed and no one was giving me the stink eye anymore, but I didn't really care. I was just sad that it had ended, but proud of myself for having stood up for myself.
So AITA for getting drunk and keeping my phone turned off?
There is a lot more to this story and if you want to learn what happened afterwards, then read on.
The immediate aftermath
So I went back inside the store and talked to Stephanie. I told her that I had a reserrvation for XX restaurant and if she wanted to go with Stephen, she could take it, I wasn't in the mood for a dinner. She said "I already have plans for tonight, but thanks for offering." Julia said she would go with me if I wanted, but I just said that I wasn't in the mood to go out. I just wanted to crash and eat a pizza and get into a food coma.
Stephanie said she didn't feel comfortable leaving me by myself and I should join them at her house. They were having friends over to play board games and it could at least distract me a little. I said why not. So brimming with enthusiasm, I went to play bored games. I left early as I wasn't in the mood. I was feeling a little better, but still a bit down. I thanked Stephanie for the invite and left. I got home and just passed out on the bed.
I woke up at around 7AM the next morning and I saw along the corners of the window the tell-tale signs of a snow-drift and got excited as it was the first snow of the season. I pushed the curtains aside and looked on to see a beautiful white carpet outside. It was early enough that very few cars had marred the whiteness. I was admiring it when I noticed that, against the red bricks of the building across the street, there was a pink blotch. As I focused, the blotch became human shaped and I cleared my eyes enough to realize that it was Maryse and she was raising her cell phone to her ear.
On cue, my phone rings. I pick it up. Still sounding drunk, she asks me if we can speak. I ask her to give me five minutes to get dressed and I'll meet her down there. She asks why she can't come up. I say that I'm not sure I want her in my apartment. She says that it's cold out. I say: "Good, then this will be quick."
I get dressed and meet her outside. I'm still bleary-eyed from having woken up 5 minutes ago, but I try to get my wits together. I tell her that we're going to walk to the subway. It 's a 10-minute walk normally, but with her drunkenness, it might take 15-20 minutes. That's how long she has to tell me what she wants to tell me.
She wants to apologize for accusing me of cheating on her. She says she knows I'm a great guy and... I may be the A-hole at this point too, but I start to drift off in my little bubble and start daydreaming about, if I go back to bed, would there still be some residual heat or would it be cold? I could take a hot shower and warm the bed that way. I could still hear her in the background making excuses, saying how she had been cheated on, but I wasn't really listening.
During the daydreaming I notice it got quite quiet. I look on my left and she's not there, I turn around she's a good 5-6 steps behind me looking angry and she says: "you're not listening" I just say: "when you're right, you're right." I tell her that I understand she's been hurt too in the past, and I hope she can work to resolve her issues, but I was done and I'm going back to bed. I was a bit harsh there, but I was tired and still down.
I walk past her and get maybe 10 paces past her when I hear a scream coming from her. I turn around and I see her messing with something inside her coat. She pulls out a chef's knife with like an 8-inch blade. That wakes me the fuck up. Byebye bleary eyes, hello wakefulness. better than a cup of coffee or a red bull I tell you!
So she's got the knife, she's screaming something that I can't quite understand. She gets quiet and then she charges at me with the knife. If I'm being honest I could have stayed where I was and she probably would have missed me anyways, but someone charges at me with a knife, I'm gonna nope out of there. I take a massive side step and once she gets to where I was and realizes that I'm no longer there, she turns her head towards me and says heyyyyy.
At that point, I have a moment of clarity and see what's gonna happen. She's drunk running one way and looking another, I know she's gonna trip. As I predicted, she stumbled over her feet and starts falling to the ground. I start praying to god and anybody who would listen: "Please don't let her cut herself. I don't want to have to explain this to the doctors, EMTs and nurses. I don't want her drunk ass deciding to take revenge on me by saying I did it."
Thankfully, she winds up in a sitting position on the sidewalk holding the knife up and it was clean. Thank god for small miracles. She starts crying and, other moment of clarity, I know she's gonna turn the knife on herself now. I jump towards her and I realize I was right, the knife starts moving towards her left wrist. I tackle her, grab her right wrist and twist it so she drops the knife. I pick the knife back up and put it in my pocket. She looks at me crying and says: "Why did you stop me?"
I pick her up and take her back to my building. In my building there was a couch in the lobby, so I take her there and I sit her down and plop myself next to her. I look at her and wonder out loud: "What am I gonna do with you? What can I do?"
She goes: "Just let me go, I'll be good." I tell her that's not going to happen. I realize I have three options and I give her the three options.
"So here's the choice I give you.
1- I pull out my phone, call 911 and tell them about the attempted murder back there and they send the police to arrest you. I don't want to do that because that could derail your life and not get you the help you need. Besides, they might not do anything anyway as it's your word against mine.
2= I pull out my phone, call 911 and tell them about the attempted suicide back there and that you need to be placed on a 72 hour hold. I could do that, but at the same time, again it's my word against yours, so maybe they don't believe me.
3- I'm gonna hazard a guess here. From what I've seen, you have alcohol problems. So I'm gonna guess you were in AA, had been sober for a while, I want to say 6 months, maybe less, when we met."
She confirms my guess.
"alright so option 3, I'm guessing you had a sponsor in AA." she nods "we call them up and tell them about your relapse and what happened this morning. Can they come get you and take care of you?"
She takes her phone out and picks a contact and calls. She hands me the phone. Someone answers and I explain the situation. They said they were coming right away. I give them my address, they get here 15 minutes later. Maryse had fallen asleep in the meantime, so I wake her up gently and help her to the car. Off she went.
I went back to my apartment and just crashed back to sleep.
A month later
Mid-january, my phone rings and I see Maryse's number on there. I send her to voice mail. Another call. Voicemail again. 5 minutes later, Private number calling. "Gee I wonder who that could be." Voicemail once more.
Afterwards, I didn't get any unidentified callers for a little over a week. One afternoon, I was at work and my phone rings and it's a number I do not recognize. I pick up.
"Hello."
"Hi, is this Guy?"
"Yes, to whom am I speaking?"
"This is Hannah, Maryse's sponsor. we spoke last month." I started fearing the worst.
"Yes, I remember. How can I help you?"
"Maryse tried to reach you last week and you rejected the calls. I think it could help Maryse if you listened to what she had to say. You're obviously not obligated to entertain her, but I think despite everything that happened, you still care about her or you would not have called me that morning."
"You are right, I do still care about Maryse. I'm just not sure how good it would be for her to meet me this soon after everything that happened. I understand wanting to work through the 9th step and making amends, but..." She interrupts me.
"So you know about the steps."
"Yes I have friends in the program. which is how I could guess that she was in the program too that morning."
"You know it's important."
"I know. I know. How about this: we meet in public at a cafe, you would have to be there. Not necessarily at the table with us, but nearby in case she needs help, in case meeting me causes her pain. Tell her I promise to be in a more receptive mood than I was that morning."
So we make an appointment for that saturday afternoon.
I get to the coffee shop. She's already there, and so is her sponsor. I realize happily that she's not wearing makeup. I say happily because that means she understands that this is not a date, but something serious. She's still stunningly beautiful, and I feel sad almost right away.
I grab a coffee and go join her at the table.
"Hey" I say,
"Hey. So this is gonna be uncomfortable, but thank you for agreeing to meet me and for coming, I appreciate it more than you know. I'm sure you heard I quit the store."
"I have, I'm sorry about that, I hope you didn't do it just because of me."
"No, I needed time to focus on myself for now."
She proceeds to tell me about how I wasn't far off with my guess. She had been sober 4 months when we met. Now she had 39 days. She tells me that in AA, if you are single, they recommend not dating anyone new for at least the first year of your sobriety as it can cause issues, similar to what happened with us. I was like her "drug" and as long as I was available, she could get her fix. But the moment I wasn't available all hell broke loose, and that is what led her back to drinking that day.
I told her I'm glad to see her back sober again this quickly and I hope she can get all the help she needs from it. I ask her if she wants to talk to me about her drinking.
She starts to share a story about how she started drinking at around 11 years old. When puberty hit her, she got into a deep depression because the sexual feelings she was starting to feel were triggering responses. As a child she had been abused by two of her uncles repeatedly and her parents never believed her. They accused her of trying to make herself interesting. That was until they caught one of those uncles red-handed.
They finally believed and took the necessary steps to protect their daughter. But they were poor and they couldn't afford therapy. So she never really got help for it. At 11, she started self medicating the depression with alcohol. When alcohol wasn't enough, she added drugs.
At that point, I was full on crying. She asked me if I wanted her to stop. I told her that she doesn't have to stop. That the tears are there because that was one more thing we had in common. I was also a survivor of sexual assault as a child. In my case, it wasn't a family member, it was only a stranger, so it only happened once. But I also self-medicated with alcohol at the onset of puberty, switching to drugs later on too. I was lucky to avoid the pitfalls of addiction, but I was still dealing with my demons, slowly making peace with them.
So there we were, sitting at a coffee shop, both crying and holding each other. I tell her that I think it's great she's getting help for her alcoholism and addicion, but was she doing anything to help with the underlying issue, the original trauma? She said no, she couldn't afford therapy. I tell her that I am a member of a survivors group and if she is interested, I could get her into a meeting and perhaps learn to heal that part of herself too.
She said that she could give it a try. I tell her I have to talk to the other members to know if I can bring someone new and I would let her know. If they said yes, we would go to her first meeting together, I would introduce her and then we would coordinate so that I never went to meetings where she was. I wanted to do that because I wanted her first few meetings to be about healing and I didn't want our own history to be intertwined or mixed in with that.
After that, we left both feeling content and, while not necesarily happy, at peace if you will. Later on, I contacted Stephanie who was one of the "pillars" of the support group (that's how we met) to ask her if it was okay for me to bring in a new member to the group. She said sure. She asked if it was anyone she knew. I told her she would have to meet her at the meeting if she decides to come.
We were having a meeting the following day. I called Maryse, told her the time and place, and she said she would be there. She came to the group meeting and was shocked to see Stephanie there but Stephanie kinda guessed that it was Maryse I was referring to.
I introduce her, we start sharing stories, talking about how we're feeling, etc. The meeting was good and Maryse liked the vibe. So for the first six months after that, I never saw Maryse and we planned which meeting we would be attending to ensure we didn't cross paths. She started feeling much better.
After maybe 2 and a half years, she finally felt ready and she started dating again. She met someone and she fell for him. They were together for about six months, she looked happy. Unfortunately after about six months, she caught him cheating on her. We tried supporting her, being good friends, cursing his name, doing all the things we could to make sure she didn't relapse. But on April 5th 2014, she ODed on heroin. She was hospitalized for 2 weeks after that.
Hannah took her in and she set up a room for Maryse. She was still in a fragile state, so a group of her friends and I started taking turns watching over Maryse, making sure there was always at least one person there with her to keep her company.
Despite our vigilance, on May 14th 2014, when Hannah was out running a quick errand, she was gone maybe 15 minutes tops, Maryse found a way to cut her wrists and she died. We found a note saying that "the OD was not an accident, and neither was that. Thanks for everything you did for me. I love you all, but I can't do this anymore."
It feels good to write that story (I'll just ignore the fat tears rolling down my face!). Thanks for reading this far and sorry for the long story, I just started writing and couldn't stop. I apologize if it was a bit of a bummer.

https://www.baltimoresun.com/2024/05/14/scott-dixon-campaigning-primary-maryland-baltimore/
By Emily Opilo eopilo@baltsun.com PUBLISHED: May 14, 2024 at 3:51 p.m. UPDATED: May 15, 2024 at 12:56 a.m.
Baltimore Mayor Brandon Scott declared victory in his bid for reelection Tuesday after opening what appeared to be an insurmountable lead over his chief opponent, former Mayor Sheila Dixon.
The Associated Press called the race for Scott at 11:24 p.m. Taking the stage minutes later at his South Baltimore election night party, Scott thanked Dixon for running a hard-fought campaign, but said it was time to “turn the page.”
“I think it’s safe to say we’re destined for a second term,” Scott said, prompting loud applause from a celebratory crowd.
Dixon, who left her party before 11 p.m., said before her departure that the race was too close to call.
After Scott declared victory, Dixon spokesman Luca Amayo said that “regardless of how the votes fall, there will always be people in the city who consider Sheila Dixon the forever mayor of Baltimore.”
The race pitted the first-term Scott against Dixon, the city’s mayor of three years, in a rematch of the 2020 contest that put Scott in office. Both are Democrats.
This time, the field was half the size of the crowded 2020 race and the upper tier of candidates shrank. Former prosecutor Thiru Vignarajah dropped out of the race in the first week of May, less than 24 hours ahead of the start of early voting. Businessman Bob Wallace, an independent candidate for mayor in 2020, ran this time as a Democrat, but failed to gain traction.
Returns from the early voting period, mail-in ballots cast ahead of the election, and almost all of the city’s 295 precincts showed Scott with 50.9% of votes cast to Dixon’s 41.3% — a difference of about 6,200 votes. Vignarajah, who exited the race too late to remove his name from the ballot, still received 3% of the preliminary vote. The returns do not include at least 13,500 mail-in ballots that have yet to be counted by the Baltimore Board of Elections.
When early returns first became public, Dixon jumped to an early lead. However, Scott quickly became the frontrunner and continued to widen his margin Tuesday night as additional returns from primary day were posted.
Cheers broke out at Scott’s party at Baltimore Peninsula earlier Tuesday as initial returns hit two television screens showing Scott slightly ahead of Dixon. Diana Turner danced joyfully as video clips of Scott played on the newscasts. Turner admitted she was unnerved to see the numbers so close between Scott and Dixon, but said she learned from Scott’s previous campaign that initial figures don’t tell the whole story.
“It’s going to fluctuate depending on where the polls are,” she said.
Dixon supporters said they expected the race to be close and the early returns gave them hope that she could, unlike last time, end up victorious.
“I think it was too soon last time,” said Kim Bangs, 64, of Canton said of Dixon’s 2020 bid for the office.
The city board of elections tallied about 11,700 mail-in ballots from Democratic voters ahead of primary day. The canvassing of remaining mail-in ballots will not resume until Thursday.
The 2024 mayoral contest, like many before it, focused heavily on crime. Scott touted the city’s reduction in homicides in 2023 — fewer than 300 people were killed for the first time in nearly a decade. Dixon argued Scott focused only on the homicide rate, allowing quality-of-life crimes to go unaddressed and chasing residents from the city.
Scott, 40, and Dixon, 70, represent different generations of City Hall leadership, but at times, their plans converged. Dixon’s crime plan, rolled out in January, called for a focused deterrence model of policing which would attempt to identify violent offenders and offer social supports in an effort to redirect them. Scott implemented a similar program, known as the Group Violence Reduction Strategy. That approach, piloted in the Baltimore Police Department’s Western District and since expanded, aims to intercept those vulnerable to becoming shooters or victims and provide social supports. The mayor credits it in part for the reduction in homicides.
Both Scott and Dixon’s housing plans call for tax increment financing or “TIFs” to be used in various neighborhoods to address vacant properties.
Dixon and Scott opted to cast their ballots in person Tuesday morning, Dixon near her Hunting Ridge home in West Baltimore and Scott in his Northeast Baltimore neighborhood. Dixon said she was “at peace” as she entered her polling place at Thomas Jefferson Elementary. Scott carried 5-month-old son, Charm Scott, nestled in a car seat into his polling place at Engine House 56.
Some heavy-hitters threw their support behind both candidates, wagering political capital on the close race. Democratic State’s Attorney Ivan Bates joined Dixon’s cause, endorsing the former mayor and calling Scott out for what Bates said was a lack of partnership between the prosecutor’s office and Scott’s City Hall. Sheriff Sam Cogen, too, said Scott has failed to be a partner to his office.
U.S. Sens. Ben Cardin and Chris Van Hollen both backed Scott, as did numerous unions that represent city employees. Some, like the unions representing the city’s firefighters, took shots at Dixon’s treatment of the fire department during her time in office. Unions backed a PAC that supported Scott with voter outreach and online advertising.
Scott led in fundraising and spending, dropping almost $1 million on the contest since the start of the year. Dixon has spent $653,100 since January. A PAC supporting Dixon’s campaign (funded in large part David Smith, a co-owner of The Baltimore Sun and chairman of Sinclair Broadcasting Group) supplemented Dixon’s effort, running ads that tried to paint Scott as an inexperienced leader. Scott’s ads sought to remind residents of Dixon’s criminal past. She was forced to leave office in 2010 after an embezzlement conviction.
The results of the race showed Vignarajah’s exit did little to tighten the contest. Running his fourth campaign for citywide office in the last seven years, Vignarajah threw his support to Dixon after conversations with the camps of both leading contenders. Scott said afterward that Vignarajah asked to be named police chief or CEO of city schools in exchange for his support. Dixon said no deal was made with Vignarajah for a job, although she declined to discuss potential positions in her administration that he may have suggested. Vignarajah said he offered to be “helpful” to the Dixon administration.

Hey everyone, I'm curious to hear people's take on this topic. I'm sure its been talked about before but I can't seem to find it specifically in this thread and so I wanted to check in.
What are people's thoughts on Sex/Masturbation/Porn in relation to their Queerness and their Catholic faith?
Is there absolutely no room/space for Porn when committing ourselves to Christ?
I ask because on one hand our Queer communities very heavily focuses on Sexuality and the physical act of sex. So much so we are incredibly sex positive, call for more support to sex workers, and really tap into freedom in regards to hook up culture, sex positivity, and a hard attack on sex shaming. I even came across a Queer Christian (Non-Catholic) take on this idea that Queer people are hyper sexual because we are so admonished for our rights to act on sex that in turn, by acting on it we're rebelling against repression and permitting ourselves the gift which God gave us.
On the Catholic side of things, we're basically taught that sex and sexuality is more in line with monogamy, marriage, and procreation and that anything outside of that is wrong and immoral.
I personally struggle with both sides of things. I'm an Gay male and Demisexual and I very heavily lean on romance and emotions over sex. I would 1000 % would rather hold hands and go on a romantic date with a man than hook up all day any day. I've always been in line with monogamy and am open to sex however only in a committed and monogamous relationship.
Sadly, I have not met the right man yet, maybe never will, and so direct physical sex has not been something I have experienced in a long time. The extent of my experience with sexuality in the past 10 years has been watching porn and having common kinks which I indulge in through porn but other than that I do not seek hook ups out.
Off late though I have been wondering about porn/masturbation/lust and just have felt a pull away from that too. My main inner dialogue has been that by watching porn , and with my fetishes, I seem to internally objectify other men and desire them in a way that doesn't make me feel good.
I try to remind myself that there's MORE to my queerness than just sex and however I can't seem to reconcile that by fully committing to Christ I am giving up on my queerness to an extent.
Just a few minutes before writing this, I was watching a Catholic Priest on Youtube who prays on different topics. The one I watched was a prayer to "Break contracts with satan". The priest talks about how the contracts can be formed inadvertently and during the prayer he asks us to pause and let whatever thought or message come through.
When I paused, the thought that organically came to me was "Masturbation" . When I analyzed it, I organically felt it was not the actual act of masturbation that was being brought up but the intentions lay behind the act ie; hyper fixating on men and in effect using their image as a means to an end which I fully agree isn't right. It dehumanizes them.
I feel that this is satan's entire goal, to dehumanize, objectify, and then toss away humans when we clearly are God's children and infinitely filled with his love and compassion.
Anyways, this sparked my question and makes me wonder where do I go from here?
I personally have cut down on masturbation and porn A LOT and feel quite good.
I just wonder however if this compromises my Queerness. I wonder if this makes me abnormal ? But also I don't think it does . I prayed to God and an internal revelation has been that he is preparing me , cleansing/purging me from old obsessive ways of operating so that when he does send me a partner one day, if he does , I will be ready and capable with my capacity to love instead of being "stunted" which porn seems to do.
Sorry for the long post but thank you for letting me share!

Hi, pretty long post, just want to share my story as reading all of yours has helped me these last few weeks, f(28). After Thanksgiving 2021, so early-mid December (I was 26 at the time), I somehow herniated a disc. Before this happened, literally right before, I was hurting with what I think was a pulled lower back muscle (hurt to sit and lay down but pain was only in my back right side and rest helped, something I dealt with several times in my life starting in like 7th grade, drs always said it was a pulled muscle). After about a week it was feeling better so I decided it was safe to roll onto my right side to sleep. Well, after that I started experiencing pain all down that side, I also had some tingling and slight numbness in my foot and ankle. It was bad enough that I wasn't comfortable for more than 20 minutes, standing was the least painful, lucky to sleep 3 hours at once even though I'd wake up in horrible pain, basically always in tears from the pain and discomfort. I went to the dr after a few weeks and was told it's sciatica and he referred me for an mri, gave me some kind of shots and ibuprofen. I don't remember what the shots were but they took away all of the pain for 8-10 hours and I was able to get some much needed sleep. One may have been toradol but I got a shot of it the day of my mri so laying on my back during the scan wasn't too uncomfortable, and it didn't help much.
About 2 months after my symptoms started, I finally got the mri and it showed a decent sized herniation. I don't remember exactly where it was in my low back, but I was then referred to a neurologist who evaluated me and suggested ESI, he was fairly certain it would get better on it's own and I wouldn't need surgery, he said it may or may not decrease in size as well. The ESI worked as far as I can tell, but at this point it had been about 3-4 months of healing on my own using heat, stretches, and ibuprofen and the pain was mostly gone, lingering around a 2 at it's worst, but 0 after the ESI. The tingling in my foot and ankle had gone away and I was slowly getting back to normal. Aside from the occasional leg muscle cramps and discomfort laying on my right side, I had been pain and symptom free for about 2 years. I went on vacation in June last year, we did a lot of walking and even a steep hike. I worked for a year and a half in a dispensary, on my feet a lot as well as bending, squatting or leaning down, lifting heavyish totes. I had no pain or symptoms from this. I was hopeful that it had healed up and I was going to be perfectly fine, but I was still mindful of my back. I quit working last year in September to go back to school, since then I had been generally sitting or laying most of the time doing homework, of course I still helped around the house and went out to do stuff. I just wasn't moving nearly as much as when I was working. I had also gone on a trip to Seattle in September where we walked almost everywhere. Again, no pain or symptoms.
That takes me to earlier this year, about late February or early March. I was doing alright, then I noticed my hips feeling a little sore, starting in the left then later on the right, like a toothache or a pinching feeling in the sides and sometimes front. I felt it most when laying on them at first. It also felt sore when I pressed certain areas on the side. It felt like my thighs or hips were a bit unstable, if that makes sense. I did stretches, no difference. One night, during a shower, I leaned down to move a bottle on the floor and felt a very slight twinge in my lower back. Still no back pain or symptoms down either leg though. I also had been randomly waking up with pain and stiffness in my right foot and ankle that would go away after walking on it. Naturally, all this scared me and I started sleeping only on my back with a pillow under my knees, no longer sitting cross-legged or with my legs tucked beside me on the couch, making sure I wasn't slouching and getting up every hour to walk for a few minutes, generally trying to take care of my back. I'm also sitting to get dressed right after most showers because of my hips and I'm nervous my legs will give out. I made a dr appointment early April and he suggested PT for my hips, he wasn't worried about my back or doing any imaging.
I started PT April 15th. She evaluated my hips, had me do some stretches (most were laying down with my knees bent, putting pressure on my low back, I'm wondering if this caused my situation) and gave me stretches to do at home 2x day, appointments 2x week for a month. I should also mention during her evaluation she pressed on my lower back and it sucked, no pain down my legs, just under her hand. The stretches helped my hips for the first week, then my lower back started getting stiff and sore when I would lay down for a few hours or more. I mentioned this to my PT, but she didn't say anything. I kept up with the stretches (on a thick mat on the floor at home, or on my bed) and my lower back slowly got worse each day. Finally, after about 4 PT appointments and 2 weeks of stretches I quit doing them. My back was in quite a bit of pain, I started occasionally getting tingling and slight numbness down both sides in my lower calves and feet (sometimes together, sometimes either side) and it was painful to lay and sit longer than an hour. Made another dr appointment, he suggested it was my muscles and told me to ice, take ibuprofen, and gave me Diclofenac 1% gel, assuring me that PT wouldn't likely cause or worsen a herniation. I was with a different PT for the next appointment and she tried a TENS machine with a heating pad for the pain after I did some stretches that didn't seem to bother my back. I didn't notice any difference. That same night I went to the ER because I got up from a nap and the tingling and numbness wouldn't go away so it scared me. They gave me a steroid shot, a steroid pack, a few T3's and 325mg Tylenols as well as an MRI referral. I don't know if the steroids helped or just the overall more aggressive and earlier treatment this time, but my pain and symptoms (despite being on both sides, not just the right side) aren't nearly as bad as the first time, yet. I'm still uncomfortable and having a horrible time, but it's been manageable. Hopefully I don't feel any worse after being off the steroids for a while. I finished them last Thursday (May 9th) and I've been taking the 325mg Tylenol as needed, making sure to take 2 before bed, I took all the T3's as needed. PT since has been focused on pain management, deep heat ultrasound, TENS machine and heat, also k-tape which seems to provide a small difference.
Yesterday morning (the 13th) I woke up to my back feeling a little stiff and sore but I'd been trying a few stretches the last couple days, maybe that's what's causing it so I'm gonna stop for now. I'm sleeping alright, thankfully, naps as I need or can. As my back has gotten better, my hips haven't. There's still a pinching toothache type of feeling in the sides and front and my thighs still feel unstable while I walk sometimes. I can't lean back on the couch, sitting in the car is uncomfortable so I keep the seat up straight, laying down I still feel pressure in my low back but it's been bearable enough to sleep so far. I haven't tried walking for longer than an hour at a time, slowly and carefully, it doesn't bother my back so much as it does my hips. I lay down for a break during the day if I need it, though I try not to lay down too much. I get up and walk around a bit every hour or so and I help with housework when I can. I use ice or heat for 15 min when I feel like it. I try to go to bed only when I know I'm sleepy so I don't just lay there. I sit outside in the Sun and try to distract myself from the pain the best I can by doing whatever. But lately, being up straight most of the day has been making my upper back a little sore and sometimes I feel what might be spasms along my back (a tense pain that goes away after a few seconds to minutes) and some cramping sensations in my legs.
My MRI is scheduled for the 20th, I'm hoping with all my heart that it's nothing horrible. I've been keeping a log of my symptoms and writing down questions for if I go back to the neurologist (which I would like to). Again, I apologize for the super long post, I just hope this helps someone feel less alone and scared. I know I've been feeling pretty awful the last three weeks, I can't imagine how you who have worse pain feel. I have so much anxiety and fear about this and all the possibilities and it makes everything so difficult. I'm 28, almost 29, and with luck, I have 50-60 years of living left and there's so much I want to do, without anxiety of injuring my back or being in constant pain. This is one of the scariest things I've ever gone through because it seems like it can get complicated really fast and really easy, no warning. I'm not giving up hope that I'll be alright, but it's hard when you get worn down through the day and feel so many different scary symptoms. Hopefully they make some kind of medical advancement in the disc herniation department that truly helps the pain or at least effectively reduces reinjury chances.
TLDR: Sharing my story, had a lower back disc herniation in Dec 2021 causing horrible sciatica all down right side. Had ESI a few months later even though pain was minimal at that point, got better and was generally pain and symptom free for about 2 years. Symptoms came back after a few weeks of PT for unexplained hip pain, this time it's effecting both sides. Been dealing with it for about 3 weeks now with various treatments, MRI scheduled for the 20th.

I use to work for McDonald's, got fired a month or two ago. I had a habit of coming in 5-10 minutes late because I lived downtown, I had lived near but moved. I didn't want to quit because I cared about who I worked with which was my 2 nightshift mangers, and a co-employee, and he bullied the f*ck out the co-worker and kinda one of the managers. But before I was fired half, if not most, employees hated the GM.
When he transferred to the location I worked he fired LOT of workers. A few understandable but others were just dumb. He fired and banned two workers that were taking food, understandable. But he fired one for eating a fry out the fry station. Everyone at the location even the managers and cooks, but for some reason he was the only one who got fired without any other reason or, to my knowledge, warnings.
The GM is so rude he told the MANGER, "You should work on your appearance." The manager was fully dressed to code and requirement. meaning he was most likely talking about her face or weight, it clearly wasn't here hair since she never changed it back to stopped coloring her hair.
With the people who worked there that he bullied daily. My co-worker, he noticed when he first came, that she constantly came to work 30 minutes late or not come in but would also stay 1 hour+ late to help and make up for her lost time. He said he was being "fair" and told her he wouldn't fire her if she doesn't miss a day again. FOR 7 WHOLE MONTHS on the schedule HE PUT for her. Keep in mind he NEVER works graveyard, but those who did work Graveyard didn't care or mind. Every week he constantly barraged her with threats to fire her. Motherf*cker even called her one dad and YELLED at her over the phone. It was at the point where she was afraid of him because like most people these days, she has anxiety. One night she worked perfectly, everyone got there food and drinks, and restocked half the whole store, but when he suddenly came in super early, her hands were shaking with fear and she handed out two wrong orders. He would just flat out change her schedule without her permission or knowledge without warning or heads-up.
With the manger he bullied, because we were short-staffed and graveyard just so happen to constantly get the slow and lazy workers. Our time was on average high, 200-700. He told her that she was just bad at her job. He never let her change her schedule even if he changed it on her, even though she had to take her kid(s) to the doctors. He never messed with any other employee or manager schedule without permission.
Me, well we had a lazy employee. So me caring about who I worked with, was asked every time to come in on my day off. Only having 1 day off despite working for a disability company as my main job. And I was the only night shift worker that volunteered to come in 2 hours early to help on X-mas eve and day. I was so incredible, the mangers that day can vouch for me, that I cleared all 3 screens within the 1st hour of working there. My manager during night shift saw our time at 600, left to do something for 10 or 15 minutes. Came back and saw my and the bullied co-worker, me bagging and running food while other was at window handing orders and drinks out, got time down to around 100 or less. One day the lazy employee who actually speaks Spanish got put to a speaker since one cook didn't call in. I ask the employee, if she wanted to switch spots. She said she was told by the night manager to be there and I told her that I know and asked if she wanted to switch to kitchen since the kitchen spoke Spanish only. after telling her she called the GM and told him I was HARASSING her, career ruining accusation. GM calls the manager and asked if I did. She told him I didn't and all he did was tell the manager to send her home. Never came to ask me what happened or anything.
A LOT MORE things happen, but I'll skip to the end. I clocked out, came on time that day, and while on a game on my phone which I'm being timed on. The night manager called me into the OFFICE as I'm waiting for my ride and playing game. As she speaks I'm playing the game and she ask if I'm listening, I say yes but she doesn't believe me so asked what she said. I repeat word for word what she said, and we continued as I'm responding. GM doesn't like it so he tells me to get off my phone, I tell him I can't since I use money on the battle pass so I'm not letting it go to waste. He tells me to put it away and I say no because I'm off the clock and he can't tell me to do so. So he gets angry and makes me sign the termination paper work or whatever he had me sign. But because I put the wrong I put the wrong date and asked the manager for the company number, he tells me it. And I guess he felt like being an a*s he said as I WALKED AWAY, "Make sure you spell my name right." I have dyslexia and anxiety. He felt the need to make the comment so that he can have the last word.
The mangers quit because one reason, the GM. He fired anyone who he didn't like or spoke back to him. And yes I have screen shots, and screen records on my phone of all this evidence and even the lazy worker would say I harassed her so, I can show all evidence. The GM mad ethe place SOO toxic and full of hate and fear. Last thing, he constantly took pictures of the cameras to tell the manager to tell us get off our phones (we went on our phone when we had no customers and nothing else to restocked or clean. However not one of the back window which is where the lazy worker was always on her phone and letting cars pass her window because she had attitude and such. But the kitchen, eventually got to the point where they didn't even care enough to even wear gloves. I was hired to be a Overnight Crew Member, but I had to and could counting inventory, had a thumb print to do refunds, promos and do other stuff, but I promised to only do it for codes and promos when it was busy. I kept that promise till I left. But I ALSO working lobby cashier, and KITCHEN. When I went to kitchen. I listen to my music, but when using my pinky, WITH GLOVES ON, my manger told me to not do that. I even turned off my music when morning staff arrived.
Short story: I worked 6 out of 7 days, as a part-time worker with the ability to do managers and kitchen jobs. But because I live 15 minute drive away, and came in 5-10 minutes late. But on my time off while tired from the work day since we had the lazy worker, as well as from the 6th day, I wanted to relax. But the GM had his feelings hurt, I got fired. Should I report? and How?

hello ^_^ this is a throwaway acc because ive never actually used reddit before and i'm nervous about people knowing my identity, since the things im going to discuss give me a lot of anxiety. additionally, i'd like to say that if this is not the space to ask this, i completely understand and feel free to remove my post ^^ i just can't stand struggling with myself anymore, and if this isn't the space, could someone maybe direct me to somewhere else where i can discuss?
for the past ~four weeks or so i've been questioning if i'm a system. i completely acknowledge i may not be, but i'm struggling to find disorders that fit my symptoms, and i know the did/osdd spectrum is a varied experience. i am also aware you all are not mental health professionals and cannot diagnose me, nor know exactly what is going on in my head, but i suppose i'm just looking for advice. i'm a minor and currently do not have access to a therapist or mental health professionals. i live in an abusive household, and i have heavily suspected social anxiety and autism. obviously i am not diagnosed, but my experience heavily relates to these two, and people i know who are say its likely i have them. i have several friends who are systems, online and irl, and my partner is also one. ive caught myself sometime.. wondering what its like to be a system, for lack of a better word? sometimes it feels like im mentally glorifying it, which i correct as soon as i notice, because i understand did and osdd id a trauma disorder and can cause so much distress and disorder (hence the name) in someone's life. i've been doing a lot of research but i still feel unsure, and i've also talked to one of my sys friends about my experience, and they also said its possible, but also possible that i'm not. the main issue i have is memory loss. ive struggled with my memory since i was a kid and i always just labelled myself as 'forgetful', but all of my peers have told me its not normal, and the past few months its been really stressing me out. i frequently forget things people tell me, things i say or do, and sometimes why i am somewhere, although i feel that last one is a relatively normal experience; the 'walking into a room then forgetting why you're there' sort of thing. ive caught myself feeling like im on autopilot, lost in my own thoughts and being unaware of my surroundings, which sometimes makes me do nonsensical things until i sort of 'snap back into reality'- i've put salt into the fridge, thrown my tv remote into the garbage, ran into walls or doors or stubbed my toes too many times. sometimes i forget my meals for so long that i end up eating two dinners, then remember the next day that i had two dinners. just recently i made rice. i remember cooking it, and eating it, but the next day my mom asked me why i put the rice into the pots cupboard. i don't remember doing this at all. additionally, i am very very bad at time; i'll think something happened two months ago, then my friend will tell me its been a week. ive always been an extremely emotion-oriented person, so when i act out of the ordinary, i considered it mood swings. i'm a trans guy, so i thought hormones, or maybe its the autism, or maybe its a normal experience, but recently an incident happened where i was talking to my partner in a groupchat with a mutual friend and i told them some very passive aggressive things which i would normally never say and once i had calmed down and apologized for the ordeal i realized i didn't even know why i'd reacted that way. they hadn't done anything at all wrong and one of the main traits i'd say about myself is i rarely every get mad/angry, and when i do, i never express this to the people around me. several of my friends share this sentiment. due to the abuse in my household, sometimes i'll have a mental breakdown and cry for an hour, but then be completely fine afterward. the next day i almost forget the thing that upset me ever happened- meaning like, i know it did happen, and i know it made me upset, but it just doesn't feel like that big of a deal anymore, and i don't feel upset at all. its almost like, emotional amnesia, for lack of a better term. i don't feel any of the emotion i know i felt at all, and sometimes even find it hard to understand why i was upset in the first place. apparently this isn't normal, either.
the big thing that makes me believe maybe its not did or osdd is i don't often disassociate, or maybe i do? i can't really tell.. most of the time i feel its me piloting my body, if that makes sense, but i zone out a lot. something i do struggle with is knowing the world is 'real'; often it feels like im.. in virtual reality, or looking at a painting, or a screen or something, but i'm chronically online (online every moment i physically can be) so i connected it to that. sometimes when it gets late i do things i wouldnt normally do, but i believe thats also quite a general experience- sleep deprivation changing your behaviour. ive dissociated during traumatic events, which is a normal trauma response, but one specific thing i can remember is in.. 7-8th grade, i can't remember which specifically (i'm in tenth now, i'll be in eleventh next year), there was a period of about two weeks where i felt extremely derealized. it felt like i was watching my body move and do things from outside, and it wasn't caused by anything, as far as i know. it just sort of happened.
another thing that makes me think i'm not a system is i dont really hear voices in my head i hear. my own but ive always thought its my own and its like narrating what i think, i guess its never changed unless its like i randomly read what someone said in their own voice or whatever and it doesnt really say anything that im not thinking unless i have intrusive thoughts, although i can sort of.. debate, with myself. but its always felt like me, like im weighing the pros and cons of somethin, or arguing for both perspectives of an issue. i've always tried to be an open minded person and see all sides. i do talk to myself sometimes, but i do it pretty mindlessly. i never thought anything different of it, but maybe its not normal? when i was a kid, i would talk to myself out loud. i also felt lonely and in 4-7th grade i had convinced myself the wind was my friend and that i could control it. i called him 'mr wind'. don't really think this has anything to do with being a system, but some background knowledge, i suppose?
when i first started actually doing research after denying even the possibility of me being a system for ~two weeks, i did try ti communicate with my possible other parts, but i wasnt very successful. i laid down in a dark room and focused on my mind, trying to call out to anyone at all, but all the responses i got only responded after i asked a question, and refused to answer if i myself could not think of a response to the question. for that reason, i believe this was simply myself attempting to come up with a response. i also started keeping a small digital journal, in case they'd prefer to communicate that way, but nothing i havent wrote or remember writing has showed up, either.
in terms of identity, i've been.. somewhat sure of myself? i think i know who i am kind of well, but sometimes i question myself. i don't have anything significant to say on this topic, which is why i didn't bring it up earlier in the post, but i understand identity is a huge part of being a system, which is why it felt important to address somewhere.
im hesitant to talk about this, but in relation to fiction, i don't have many 'kins'. however, there is one character i feel like IS me. i have no idea how to describe it. its just whenever i see him, i feel like he IS me, like we're the same, even though we have practically nothing in common. this character is loud and confident and a perfectionist and im none of those things, quite the opposite, actually. i know this probably isn't evidence but i just find it so weird.
food is a very sensitive topic for me. i am very very picky about food, because certain textures, tastes, etc make me very prone to not liking food, and when i don't like a food i eat i vomit. like many other autistic people, i have "safe" foods, which i typically will always feel comfortable eating. but every once in a while, a food that has been "safe" for years will suddenly taste horrible or have a bad texture and it makes me vomit, which then makes me scared to eat it again. sometimes i try these foods again in the future and they become "safe" once more. i'm not sure if this can be related to being a system, but i thought perhaps it was different alters having different preferences? no idea.
i once had a dream i was a system. it wasn't like, the main focus, i just was, the plot still unfolded as usual. i know dreams are just dreams, but since im mentioning everything ever, i might as well mention this too.
i'm not sure if these can be connected to being a system at all, but i figured maaaaybe they could be, so i'll mention them anyway: feel free to disregard this section if physical symptoms don't apply
-sometimes my knees will randomly feel weak, and like its hard to walk
-sometimes a random wave of heat will wash over me for a few seconds then disappear, this can also be accompanied by ear ringing
-sometimes a certain part of my lip will twitch and no matter how hard i try it won't stop, but it only ever lasts a few minutes
-for the past few days, i've had incessant eye twitching in only my left eye, and similar to my lip no matter how hard i try it won't stop, but its a lot more common than my lip twitched and only started happening recently. i've had the lip twitch for years, but it only happens once a few months. with my eye, although it only lasts short periods like my lip, its been happening multiple times a day. i don't really treat these as part of my 'evidence', just in case, i guess
this is pretty much all of my "evidence", feel free to ask any questions in the comments. my feelings won't be hurt if you say you think i'm not a system. i'm just looking for an honest opinion, because the way i can't remember shit ever is driving me crazy. i feel like i'm faking because i subconsciously "want" to be a system to fit in and better relate to my friends and my partner, and i didn't have suspicions before they brought up how they were, so how weird is that, right? but at the same time, i'm trying to be very very honest in my experiences, because i understand misdiagnosing myself could really damage my mental health. i just don't know anymore. if you believe i'm not a system, could you perhaps point me in the direction of something else my symptoms might fit into? thank you very for your time, and your help if you decide to comment ^-^

hey everyone this is my first time posting!
finally got diagnosed as N1 after many many years of being the sleepiest person everyone knew. I’m currently in nursing school and have (well.. it’s about to be past tense.. “had”) a full time job at a private physicians office. absolutely wonderful I love working there— especially because the hours are great, they start clinic at 11am or 12pm. unfortunately the business is no longer doing so great so they are cutting my hours by A LOT. So, basically I have been job hunting to see what works for my schedule and looking for something that doesn’t hit me with a huge pay cut but as I am looking through these jobs they are all either times I have almost an impossible time waking up (7am start times) or the ones that work with my schedule (overnight 7pm-7am) but seem terrible for my sleep health.
what times does everyone start work? anyone with n1/n2/ih work overnight shifts? I am tempted to work overnight shift but I don’t think that is healthy long term especially for narcoleptics. I can’t fathom waking up so early to work, I was always that one employee who was extremely late— it was nearly impossible for me to keep jobs.
I would love to know what your routine is to get out of bed and be at work 7am if that’s close to your start time. Or if you work overnight, do you feel like it is detrimental?
any med/nursing students I would love to hear some words of encouragement!!! this is starting to feel like it will simply be impossible for me to live and work a normal life.

Longtime lurker, first time poster. Aspirational chubby traveler looking to book my very first luxury hotel stay this weekend. It'll be a luxury staycation in NYC — the city where I live with my husband and toddler, and I'd be so grateful for your advice.
THE STORY: I'm turning 40 this weekend, and haven't planned a thing. (The tradition of my marriage is that the birthday person takes the lead on choosing what to do, and I've been ducking every request, so this is on me!) It's been a hard few months (unemployment - just got a new job, whew - parenting, marriage, all of it!) and I just haven't been able to think about it. But now I'm thinking about it. And tonight, quite last minute while procrastinating and reading this sub I had a lightbulb, head-smack moment — what I REALLY want to do is spend a night in a really lovely hotel!!!! A luxury experience for a milestone birthday!!! Start as you mean to go on!!! This feels exactly right, and I have a bit of a vision for it now.
THE VISION: Sunday morning, I wake up with my son and my husband, I am 40, we are in a beautiful hotel room in beautiful New York, my husband gets up to open the windows and there it is ... the New York City skyline, or Central Park, or the Brooklyn Bridge or some other bridge. Pinch me, I'm 40! And I'm in this amazing beautiful room! With my beautiful family! Looking at this beautiful city! And also we LIVE in this amazing city! etc etc Then a knock on the door and an incredibly kind wonderful person brings in delicious fancy wonderful over the top breakfast yum yum yum and that's as far as I've gotten. Maybe the night before my husband and I took turns swimming laps if there's a pool? or in the spa or in the gym? or Maybe we went to the pool with our son, if there is one? Maybe after breakfast we'll go to the pool again? Or maybe we'll just stay in the hotel room because it's a very nice room and it feels good and looking out the window is really special? Maybe we'll get room service again for lunch? We've arranged for late checkout so it's okay. Or maybe we've just booked a second night so we don't even have to worry about it? Ok that's it. That's the vision.
THE BUDGET: I would feel good about spending $2,000 all in on this birthday treat — including room service and fees and whatever else. Even as I write that I know that's not realistic, for what I'm wanting (forget about pool? compromise on what "view" means? treat the food as a separate thing?) So maybe then $2000 on the room and then ... another $500 on 2-3 room service meals?
THE LOCATION: Not important, except no Times Square and no Williamsburg and no Meatpacking. Anywhere else is OK! More important is ....
THE VIEW: Must exist from the room, preferably from the bed but can be flex there, but really wanna be able to see something breathtaking.
THE MUST-HAVE: Child friendly—It'll be me, my husband, and our three year old son. I don't want to feel like I need to smuggle my kid into the hotel. I'd like to feel like he's welcome there and that I'm not ruining anyone's day by having a child there. (Though maybe I'll need to smuggle him in because of room capacity restrictions? Would love any insight on that ... )
THE REALLY-WANT-TO-HAVE: Amazing service—I want to feel taken care of and surprised and delighted. Little touches that make me feel like someone is paying attention and cares. Just the little "I noticed you" stuff that means so much to people—it means so much to me!
THE WOULD BE NICE TO HAVE: Pool (really only if it's one we could take our kid in, if not, then don't care)
THE THING I JUST THOUGHT OF: It might also work (and be better for budget??) to check in on my birthday-day (Sunday the 19) and then have fancy room service dinner and cake (?) and night time view and then have a less leisurely but still nice morning experience on Monday
THE REASON I'M POSTING HERE: I opened a lot of tabs and just couldn't commit to anything - when you aren't used to spending this much money on a hotel room (or anything really) it feels very high stakes to do so!!!! like if we spend this money and it's great, that's money well spent, totally worth it. But if we spend this money and it's disappointing, that seems like it would be SO disappointing. Like so disappointing it might not even be worth the potential upside? Booking it myself feels too risky, I want someone to be like oh yeah THIS is what you should do.
OK this is really very long. if you've read it all, thank you. if you have any suggestions, thank you thank you thank you.

Hey y’all, it’s been a while. I’m like almost a year and a half not a drinker.
I know a lot of people seem to experience straight up miracles after quitting. I didn’t really. The first seven months were pretty miserable honestly. A lot of white knuckling and internal reckoning.
I didn’t really log it, but at some point I started fitting in my clothes the right way again. Started taking dance classes. Found myself spending a lot more time with my friends, who it turns out also don’t want to drink. Got back into writing and reading. Did some odd jobs that led to someone asking me to start a business with them. Took pottery, was really bad at it. Learned how to use a circular saw. Did EMDR. Still stay up too late.
It’s really just a lot of little things that weave themselves into a life I enjoy. I’m realizing as I’m writing this that that’s all I wanted when I stopped drinking: to just live.
I don’t consider myself an alcoholic. I actually didn’t even like alcohol. I’ve had a history of unhealthy escapism through a myriad of substances with an equal myriad of excuses for using them. Alcohol just became the easiest to obtain and justify.
Now I’m just here in my own unaltered consciousness and you could not pay me to change that.
This sub helped me out so fucking much and gave me the strength to get here. So thank you.
I don’t know where you’re at today in your journey, but I love you and I believe in you.
IWNDWYT ❤️

I know this is probably going to be vague and kind of short because I'm writing this before bed and I have to get up in 3 hours, but I(32m) work full time and until recently, work 12 to 14 hour days. I've been on 8 hour shifts these last few weeks. But my wife (31f) complains constantly to the point of berating me for being lazy or not doing things or cleaning up the house while I'm home. My wife randomly developed a few medical conditions which was very stressful and scary but fast forward 3 years and we've got her conditions mostly under control. She has neurocardiogenic syncope, (which is like POTS but with an extra symptom)and intercranial hypertension. We have 2 children 11m and 3f. Most days she's okay but some days she's stuck in bed in pain all day. My issue is this. When I'm home, she wants me to do literally everything, clean house, dishes, dinner, laundry, kids. On her good days, she's usually laying on the couch. When we've talked about it she says "being a stay at home mom IS a job. So she needs a break from everything when I'm home. My problem is that I never seem to get a break. I work then come home and work. I never get to relax. When I do relax or don't do something like the dishes etc she calls my lazy. Or on the weekend, I'll turn my playstation on late at night and she'll comment about how I have time to game but not time to get the house together. It's getting to the point where I'm starting to resent her. I'm not going to argue or talk bad about her but idk if I can take much more. I feel like I'm ranting, but my question is this. AITAH for slacking around the house? (The days she's confined to bed I absolutely have no problem doing everything)

Okay, so, am I the asshole... I want to give a little background. So, my husband works hard and tends to show his love by bringing home money. Today is my birthday, and for the past two years, he has completely forgotten my birthday (2 years ago), and then bought me a gift last year but no card, cake, etc - just bought something that I literally told him to buy so he wouldnt have to think about it. In past, even when he does buy cards, he doesn't "fill them in" as he calls it, just gives me blank cards. So, I have tried for many years to tell him that my bday is very important to me, I grew up with narcotics addicts and they never celebrated it, and that I want to feel like he thought about me. I also regularly tell him that, while I appreciate him working hard, I sometimes need him to show me love in the ways I receive it, which is through quality time and thoughtful gestures. I would far rather get a handwritten note than a bought gift, and I fully recognize there is probably privilege in that statement in that my needs are met. So last year, I bought my own cake - and I told him that I no longer wanted to celebrate my birthday because it always ends up being hurtful. This year, I bought my own gifts (farming overalls that I LOVE), and told myself I would have zero expectations. My birthday present to myself was to have an uninterrupted day to work on the farm (it's planting season, and I am behind). I had a really great day - super productive and was feeling great, still working at 5:30 when my husband called and said he would be home late, and asked me to pick up my own cake. I told him that being asked made me feel resentful, and if I were to go get it I'd feel more resentful, so no, I was not going to go pick it up. He said well, I guess you will just eat cake tomorrow then, I said that's fine. He got short and snippy and hung up. Fast forward an hour, he gets home with the cake - and proceeds to tell me that he and his barely adult employee have both talked about me all the way home, and that his employee thinks I'm conceited and that I just need to go back to work and quit being so entitled. (More background, I worked full time as a CPA until 5 years ago, always was the breadwinner, and then got sick with a lifelong issue and could no longer do it. Now I farm our property, which has mostly been start up costs, but is now making okay income, and something we had both agreed to do and wanted to do for 15+ years. I also parent our children mostly solo, make all meals, clean the house, do all dr visits, all kid outings, parties, etc. - I am always incredibly busy and still very hard-working)... anyway, I feel super betrayed by him bad-mouthing me... I feel embarrassed... but I don't feel like I was wrong. I didn't think it was fair for him to ask me to stop what I was doing, nor did it feel fair to myself to have to go get my own cake again, so I drew a boundary. Was I out of line? I mean, I questioned myself on this before saying no, but I know I would have felt resentful if I went to get it. I just want to feel like he thought about ME, not just tossed money at something careless... I don't even like cake and never have... which, whatever, it's a traditional birthday thing... but it just feels like he is checking the box. Here is the requisite cake, your unfilled out card (there wasn't actually any card), and buy yourself a gift you like... the love part feels like it's missing. Am I crazy? Am I an entitled shit? Am I the asshole here?

Hi everybody! I’ve been listening to ‘Running up that hill’ a lot lately and now I want a stranger things roleplay! I am looking for you to play a canon character and I will be playing an oc. I will give information about me, My rules, and anything else that comes to mind.
Firstly let me tell you about myself. My names Min-ji. I’m from South Korea, I’m 20 years old and going to college to be a doctor! I am also in a dance class and I teach some dance classes but I am free 95% of the time and should be able to respond rather quickly, if not I will let you know if I’ll be busy. I love the color green and black. I love watching k-dramas, obsessed with Kpop idol and love pandas!
Next are my rules! They aren’t very serious rules just simple things:

1. Please write in 3rd person
   
2. Please have discord
   
3. I will be using a oc and id prefer if you played a canon
   
4. Please respond quickly. I know we all have lives but I’m looking for a quick responder.
   

That’s all!
Now I will give a list of characters that you can choose to play:
•Steve Harrington
•Billy Hargrove
•Jonathan Byers
•Eddie Munson
•Jim hopper
Now I think that is all for now. Of course we will discuss anything else in the chat, such as plots, tropes, and anything like that.
‼️‼️If you message me please give me 2 facts about yourself so I know you read the whole things! ‼️‼️
Bye now, I hope to see you soon💕

Hi everybody! I’ve been listening to ‘Running up that hill’ a lot lately and now I want a stranger things roleplay! I am looking for you to play a canon character and I will be playing an oc. I will give information about me, My rules, and anything else that comes to mind.
Firstly let me tell you about myself. My names Min-ji. I’m from South Korea, I’m 20 years old and going to college to be a doctor! I am also in a dance class and I teach some dance classes but I am free 95% of the time and should be able to respond rather quickly, if not I will let you know if I’ll be busy. I love the color green and black. I love watching k-dramas, obsessed with Kpop idol and love pandas!
Next are my rules! They aren’t very serious rules just simple things:

1. Please write in 3rd person
   
2. Please have discord
   
3. I will be using a oc and id prefer if you played a canon
   
4. Please respond quickly. I know we all have lives but I’m looking for a quick responder.
   

That’s all!
Now I will give a list of characters that you can choose to play:
•Steve Harrington
•Billy Hargrove
•Jonathan Byers
•Eddie Munson
•Jim hopper
Now I think that is all for now. Of course we will discuss anything else in the chat, such as plots, tropes, and anything like that.
‼️‼️If you message me please give me 2 facts about yourself so I know you read the whole things! ‼️‼️
Bye now, I hope to see you soon💕

If this content is something you want to see more of, comments below will be taken into consideration as we prepare to start finding the open submissions for a variety of writing and artwork competitions. If it's of no interest, let us know that too! This is YOUR subreddit!
Seeking Submissions for Poetry Chapbook Prize
Deadline: December 31, 2023
The winner of The Headlight Review’s 2024 Poetry Chapbook Prize Contest will receive publication (a perfectly bound book with a full color or black/white cover), an award of $500, and 25 copies of the book. A list of finalists will be announced sixty days after the close of submissions. All manuscripts will be judged blindly. The finalists who make it through the first round will be judged by esteemed poet Valerie A. Smith.
2024 Press 53 Award for Short Fiction
Deadline: December 31, 2023
The 2024 Press 53 Award for Short Fiction will be awarded to an outstanding, unpublished collection of short stories. Reading Fee: $30. Award: $1,000 cash advance, publication, and 53 copies. To Enter: Submit online with Submittable or by mail from September 1–December 31, 2023. Press 53 short fiction editor Claire V. Foxx will serve as the only judge. Winner and finalists announced by May 1, 2024; advance review copies sent to major reviewers and outlets; publication in May 2025.
Complete details at www.Press53.com/award-for-short-fiction.
After Happy Hour Contest (Theme: Animals)
Deadline: February 15, 2024
For this year’s contest, we want submitters to go wild—or domesticated, or sentient, or whatever other form of beastly you’re feeling. Submissions should feature some kind of animal that is integral to the story. Note that this doesn’t need to be a real animal—it could be a cryptid, a hybrid, or a human-to-animal transformation. Each $10 contest entry covers 1 short story, creative nonfiction piece, or suite, or up to 3 individual poems or flash prose pieces. Winners receive publication and a cash prize determined as a percentage of total entry fees (full details are on our website).
The swamp pink Prizes in Fiction, Nonfiction, & Poetry
Deadline: January 31, 2024
Formerly known as the Crazyhorse Prizes, the swamp pink Prizes award $2,000 and publication to a story, essay, and poem. From January 1 to 31, submit a story or essay of up to 25 pages or a set of 1–3 poems via Submittable. Judges for each genre can be viewed on our website. The entry fee is $20; all entries will be considered for publication. swamppink.submittable.com/submit
2024 Bill Hickok Humor Award Deadline: February 28, 2024
I-70 Review announces the Bill Hickok Humor Award for a poem. The winner receives $1,000, and the poem will appear in I-70 Review 2024. Submit one to three poems with a $15 entry fee to i70review@gmail.com. Reading period: Jan 1 to Feb 28. No submissions before January 1. Submissions will be eligible for publication in I-70 Review. The judge is Alice Friman.
For more info visit i70review.fieldinfoserv.com.
The Orison Prizes in Poetry & Fiction
Deadline: April 4, 2024
The 2024 Orison Prizes in Poetry & Fiction offer $1,500 and publication by Orison Books for a full-length manuscript in each genre. Judges: Ellen Bass (poetry), Kaveh Akbar (fiction). Entry fee: $25. Entry period: December 1, 2023–April 1, 2024. For complete guidelines visit orisonbooks.com/submissions.
2024 Colorado Prize for Poetry
$2,500 honorarium and book publication: Submit book-length collection of poems to the 2024 Colorado Prize for Poetry by January 14, 2024 (we will observe a 5-day grace period). $25 reading fee (add $3 to submit online) includes subscription to Colorado Review. Final judge is Brenda Shaughnessy; friends and students (current or former) of the judge are not eligible to compete, nor are Colorado State University employees, students, or alumni. Complete guidelines at coloradoprize.colostate.edu or Colorado Prize for Poetry, Center for Literary Publishing, 9105 Campus Delivery, Colorado State University, Fort Collins, CO 80523-9105.
Burnside Review Press Contest
Manuscripts of 50-100 pages of poetry will be accepted until December 31, 2023. Arda Collins will judge. The winning book will be published by Burnside Review Press in 2025. The author will receive a $1,000 prize, plus ten copies of the book. A $25 entry fee must be paid at the time of submission. Contest entrants will receive one Burnside Review Press title. The editors may select an additional manuscript from the submission pool for publication.
Visit www.burnsidereview.org for complete guidelines.
2024 William Saroyan International Prize for Writing
Deadline: January 31, 2024
Submissions are now being accepted for the 11th Saroyan Prize. The awards, co-sponsored by Stanford Libraries and the William Saroyan Foundation, are intended to encourage new or emerging writers and honor the Saroyan legacy of originality, vitality, and stylistic innovation. Two prizes of $5,000 each are given for works of fiction and nonfiction. Writers who have published four books or more are ineligible. Submit five copies of your work published between January 1, 2022, and December 31, 2023, with a $50 entry fee by January 31, 2024. Visit our website for complete eligibility and submission details: saroyanprize.sites.stanford.edu.
Interim Poetics: The Test Site Poetry Prize Deadline: December 15, 2023
Interim will choose two winning books for the series—one title publicized as the winner of The Test Site Poetry Series and the other as the Betsy Joiner Flanagan Award in Poetry. Both winners will receive a $1,000 award and their books will be published by the University of Nevada Press. Submit by December 15, 2023. www.interimpoetics.org/test-site-poetry-series
Driftwood Press In-House Contests + Additional Submission Opportunities
Deadline: January 15, 2024 (In-House Contests)
Driftwood Press is happy to share a plethora of submission opportunities for writers and artists! Our In-House Short Fiction & Poem Contests, in which every work submitted is considered for publication as winner or runner-up, is ending soon! For our yearly print anthology, we are looking for poems, short stories, comics, and visual art that will wow our readers with innovative language and strong craft. We are a paying market, and our published writers also get to take part in bespoke interviews about their work! Driftwood is also on the hunt for amazing book-length titles to grow our catalogue, so if you have a novella, poetry collection, comic collection, or graphic novel manuscript, we would love to read it! Visit us here for our Submittable page, and we encourage you to follow us on social media (@driftwoodpress) to learn about even more submission opportunities!
The Twin Bill’s Second Annual Baseball Lit Contest
Deadline: December 30, 2023
The Twin Bill, a baseball literary journal, is open for submissions for their annual contest for best baseball fiction, creative nonfiction, and poetry. The winner in each category will receive $100 and an engraved baseball trophy. The runners-up will receive $50 and will be published in our January 31 issue. Each piece will be professionally illustrated. Contest submissions are $10 and will be considered for both the contest and the Opening Day issue. thetwinbill.com/submissions/

Hello, I am hoping for some guidance/advice. I am employed with a private company of 2000+ employees. Last year in August or September, I asked my manager for flexible hours. It was denied. I then mentioned to her I have depression and anxiety and that it would help in that regard, she said absolutely not. A day later, she emails me saying I can go the reasonable accommodation route (assuming she went to HR). After 2-3 months of mentally spiraling, I went on medical leave for a few months and came back in February of this year. Before I came back, HR was working on my reasonable accommodation requests, which is its own story, but after getting tired of the back and forth, I settled for what they offered. Maybe 2 weeks later, I got my performance review and they specifically wrote that I complained about my work schedule. I was furious considering the circumstances, but I just moved forward. Fast forward to today, my manager told me I have been requesting way too many days off (only 2 since I got back) and that moving forward, I need to make up my missed on-site days on a day I usually work remote. And she said I need to avoid requesting off my on-site days. Nowhere in my reasonable accomodation agreement that I signed states that if I am absent on an on-site day, I need to come in on a remote day. Is this legally okay for them to require this? And what about writing I was complaining about my work schedule in my performance review? I have considered speaking to an attorney but due to financial reasons, I haven’t been able to. I am hoping someone on here can give me some insight. I live in Idaho if that helps. Thanks in advance.
Edit: Want to mention my reasonable accomodation is working 3 days remote, 2 days on-site. Prior to this, I was working 5 days on-site. No reasonable accomodation was granted on my hours, but it was requested.

I don't even know how to start this.
I've had a strange life so far. I was born and raised to the age of eight in a Baptist, homeschooling, cult along with my nine siblings. My parents divorced when I was nine, Dad won custody, Mom moved three states away to build a new life. We still called ourselves homeschoolers, but we kids were on our own. I spent the next decade as essentially a full-time employee of my dads Business with absolutely no education, no friends, and no social engagements at all outside of church and work.
It's very hard to express the position I was in at 16-17, I thought my life was over. Genuinely, what could I do?? I couldn't go to college, I'd never even written a paragraph, or solved an equation. I loved science, always had, but accepted the fact that my passions were not compatible with the life I was dealt. Even so, I did what I could to pursue my interests. When I was younger I stole a college biology textbook from one of my older sisters, and discovered the theory of evolution, which was a real door opener for me. With lots of roofing jobs, and some audible credits donated by another sister, I pulled that thread for a while, listening to so many books on Evolution.
I wanted to be a biologist. I didn't think it was possible, but I decided I'd take it one step at a time until I hit the wall couldn't pass.
I took the ACT, and scored a 14. That's okay, I'll enroll in pre-algebra and pre-composition courses at the community college. Embarrassing, yes, incredibly difficult, yes, did it need to be done? Yes. I worked hard and survived it, what's next?
Let's play catch-up! I did an entire associate of arts and a certificate of general studies, struggling all the way, to make up middle and high school. Finishing my AA, and gearing up for a transfer to a 4-year, things seemed less impossible. But here comes covid!
I transferred from my bachelor's 3.5 years ago now, The first two years were hell with covid, but I made it. I can't believe I made it. I have a BS in Biology, and a minor in mathematics of all things. I never thought I'd be here. I couldn't bring myself to walk in commencement, because to me it felt like a personal achievement far beyond any ceremony.
6 years ago I had never written a paper and couldn't do basic math, now I love to write, and can play with Non-Linear systems of differential equations all day long. I've been very emotional thinking about my past since graduating, and just wanted to share my story. I know getting a college degree isn't some Grand goal for most people, but I can't tell you how many times I cried myself to sleep at 16, because I'd never be able to do it. And now I'm crying myself to sleep because I have done it, and I can't believe it. Anyway, that's it.
Pursue your goals. One step at a time. Anything is possible.

Engaged 8 years- with him for 10 years this August. Long story short - it’s not good. Hasnt been for over 7 years tbh. I know ya’ll know what that means basically. We are both 49. Both never been married before our engagement 8 years ago. No kids. I am downright trauma bonded I finally see for the last 8 yrs tho. Sure there’s polite talk, literally that’s all it is. Polite talk until I “freak out and get emotional” by asking if we can have a date night or take a walk together. Because he is sooooo far away from me today and all I’ve been doing is questioning myself, trying to be prettier, trying to cook more, trying to not show hurt feelings when he’s dismissive or worholding….. It’s apparent to anyone in the room and I’ve had feedback from concerned friends over the years. Basically my friends arent fans - haven’t been for years.
Ok sorry- usual daily- he comes home from work. Says hi. I say hi. He shows enormous amounts of love to the dog then goes to his computer to social media surf. I make dinner he eats it and goes to bed. Thats our interaction every day unless I’m working. I’m an semi successful artist. (I pay my own bills, rent and run my own art studio, make enough to survive as I try to grow but def couldn’t do it without a supportive partner. Which he was supportive in our 2 year together. He knew I owned my own townhouse then, and bartended twice a week to make whatever ends my art didn’t meet at the time. I was pretty well known in our little downtown from bartending and having my art in neighboring restaurant in the community. We reconnected through fb messenger- he tagged me in a lot of bartending themed posts- we dated and a year later he sold his condo and moved into my townhouse. I was ready for my life long partner. After a year of co living, he proposed - we made plans to get a larger home together so I sold my townhouse, put 15k downpayment on it because I had the recent liquid cash and he didn’t- he just had the good salaried job to get approved for financing. fast forward to today- I am on the deed not on the mortgage. I pay cash to my “fiancè” every month to contribute this house we own together. After a year of giving him straight cash every month at his request, I asked if he would just give me some or all utilities so my name would be back out in the credit space. And he said no. I asked if we could get a joint account so I could put that monthly cash money in a “house” account where we would both contribute and pay house stuff from that. He said “sure, but not right this second”. That was always his answer to me - “Not right this second”. Basically I went from having my own place, utilities, mortgage, credit, etc and being madly in love with this guy (who I’ve known since highschool but we never dated, just always shared mutual crossovers/crossed paths a lot since 1995) to living in a house that only had my name on the deed. I worried I was a ghost in the credit space. Like the only thing he allowed me to put my name on was the trash pickup service. (He said he’d rather not get trash service and use his jobs trashbin… like wtf?). But said of if I wanted to get trash service then I could pay for that. Ahhh usual me- not a short story and I’m rambling. I’ve also had drinks. Just trying to give context. Ok- We never go out together. He goes to his BF music studio most weekends and stays til 3-4am. We haven’t had sex in over two years. I sleep in the guest room for the same amount of time. (I went there one night after a fight because he said he was tired of being my crutch and I need to contribute more financially and it literally came after him being silent/bad mood for a week and I would ask “Hey, did you have a bad day at work? What’s wrong how can I help?” He doesn’t talk to me about “feelings”. Anytime I ask to sit down and talk about how to fix whatever is wrong his response is ALWAYS and defensive curtness “I don’t want to talk about it”. So we just had one of these outbursts. Where I say “hey, what’s going on. Why are you being so curt with me? Talk to me” and he said “ya know what’s wrong with me? You owe my $1100 because you haven’t paid xyz and it stems back to August. “ I was floored because it’s just not true. But I give him cash and I guess that’s where I fucked up. Sometimes I get paid in cash for my paintings and when I do, I put it aside and give him that cash when it comes due every month. Anyway it blew up to me crying being confused and asking him why he didn’t say anything in August or September why is he bringing it up now. Why is he talking to me like a dog and to please stop and just talk to me about why he’s so damn angry. It ended up with him telling me he’s tired of being my crutch and we haven’t been “good for 5 years” and he wants to sell the house, get his money and live the life that he wants. And I pointed out that all I’ve been doing is trying to fight for us, trying to get us to be together and be number one for one another. And why if he knew all this and yet was still unsatisfied with me why he has kept me around for so long without communicating his displeasure with me. And he said - “Because you won’t leave”. It ended with me saying we can get a mediator or lawyer and figure out the easiest way to sell, split whatever we agree on and move on. Ot all just hit me that I need to let him sell this house and I will figure it out. This all happened Saturday. Jesus this sucks. Anyway- it blew up to where I said I’m done. I felt done. He clapped. I went to my room and have basically been avoiding being in the house when he’s here and just going to my studio until he goes to bed. Thing is he took off work today. Dont know why. So when I got up and saw his car out front, I went to the studio all day and worked late on purpose. Came home at 10:30pm- he usually goes to bed around 9:30 but was still in living room watching tv. I walked in and went to the kitchen and he instantly said “I’m going to bed you can have the tv” and I didn’t respond. He went to bed. I was getting iced tea out of the fridge when after standing there for a min- I smelled gas. I look over to the stove and the knob is turned slightly to the left as if you were about to ignite it. I instinctively turned it back to the off position but then kinda freaked out a bit. Like why does it smell like gas. And why was that knob turned. Literally the gas was seeping ever so slightly out enough for me to smell it after about 30sec drinking my tea. Am I just being paranoid? There is no evidence of cooking - I even checked the trash for leftover or scrapings of food. This took me forever to write. But I just felt I had to document this without freaking out my mom or my friends.

I took a drop last year in Neet, had 516 last year and am scoring around 680 this year which is equivalent to maybe last year's 650-670. Just wanted to share a few thoughts regarding the current scene of competition and surrounding distractions in our lives.
I was in tenth to eleventh from 2020-2021 and this period and half of 2022 was only spent on online classes and on internet, I was wasted, i don't want to brag, nor someone overly forcing helping out to you people.
I just want to this to be out there because I eventually came out of that mess and in Diwali '23 I saw some of you peeeps' fucked up stories of this over indulgence on the internet, and this one girl who wasted on the internet on gore and shit, a serious backlog in her studies and useless tension now on her mind. I know there are a lot of you there morning 8 to 12 schedule internet, reels, shorts, games, some of you peeps go a level higher and it's just films all day, to the point where you are a walking talking Wikipedia of films, the delete reinstall cycle of games, wanking everyday, I know you, you may not be doing the same thing but it's the same cycle at any level, basic to it being the device and internet usage, it's only an overconsumption whether it be on reddit, fucking around on discord or on 4chan.
First off, there is a clear, definite, rational fucking answer to this, DO NOT fuck up your mind over this shit, regardless of everyone's u ique and different case the basic answers are the same
1.SEEK HELP: parents first, but if the environment in your house is a bit negative one please reach out to a psychologist, or even me, I'll try to help in whichever way I can, a good psychologist, actually gives you decisive answers and rational decisions best for your future
Clearing it out with your parents brings you all on a common ground. I was in a hostel and still the fallout and consequences of my usage had not appeared until l8tr after which I approached one(these "consequences" are not exactly withdrawal symptoms, but the fucking way this poisonous shit percolates into your mind, the changed perspective of yourself and the world through all this usage actually affects you BECAUSE REAL WORLD IS NOT LIKE THE ONLINE WORLD, i know you feel it too, whenever you sit down to study, you first try to study very seriously....and then you mind....drifts, thoughts and imaginations of your world involving the shit you saw or you recapping the films and getting and kicks out of that smiling on your study table, in your own world. Normalpeople are not like that, you need to stay in this real world, face these real problems, get kicks out of life, but don't worry cos the only difference between you and "normal" people is just a little effort, don't worry.
2.POSSIBLY CHOOSE A HOSTEL: the hostel environment helps you cut off from all distractions and especially a toxic environment around you if you have one and only makes you focus on the goal, it's a beautiful realisation of your capacity to do things and you can see in clarity how better you can be and how every moment you can utilise to being a better you. For my repeat I was at Sanjay Ghodawat Atigre which has got the benefit of reducing fees depending on your neet marks (sometimes even to the extent of 50k to 1 lakh)but you get all the exact same benefits as regular students which get into there for fucking 4.5 lakhs for two years
3.LASTLY remember a lot of people can just cut off from this shit but NOBODY can just sit idly without tasking your mind something, the mind is NOT made like that man, even if you do you'll find yourself drifting in your thoughts of this entertainment you sought earlier(the fallout of this shit that I faced earlier). Substitute it. Choose healthy habits, choose life man. Especially at this age (hoping you all are in 16-22) the body is damn active, when I did, i used to run 3-3.5 kms in 30 mins it felt amazing to devote the time to something like this, you actually tire yourself in good things(haha this is literally what even actual addicts do too, its just choosing to get your kicks out of other things, healthier things). You literally start noticing changes in your mindset too, tbh you guys maintain a very toxic environment here, which is actually sad because real life just ain't like that, anything and everything here distorts your perspective of the real world, even i, used to have Dr. House and shit as someone to be like but that ain't real, now it's people like Tatya Lahane, Baba Amte and Sindhutai Sakpal, those are real heroes no joke.
KEEP A POSITIVE MIND. You know that meditation, brahmakumaris and shit? Do that. Nah i don't believe in it either but trust me, the mind is no ambiguous thing it's just a restless little fish with infinite capacity and innumerous sensing, taking in all that you give it, so feed it good, and especially, trap it. That's where this meditation and shit comes in, it's just tricks man, see, a guy with a really bad reputation sits in front of you verbally abuses you and leaves, with your entrance exam on the near(even two years means near btw), what is the least fucking thing you can you can "do", brahmakumaris says "forgive em" pretty fucking stupid right? But that's the trick(on your mind) At this stage, rationally, without any emotion, you have to ask yourself what actually fucking matters, and trust me, they fucking don't, saying you forgive them means you LET GO of the hate of theirs you hold in your mind and CHOOSE yourself and your goal over them, or else you would be literally wasting your time too even when studying thinking over this person, trust me this isn't any different than the Stoic ideals of Marcus Aurelius and shit you read online, here it's just brought into effect ina different manner. They preach about God and to let go and give up control, surrender to them, how's that useful? That bitch cheating from your paper, your bus coming over late, you acting nice to a person but them not reflecting the same, let go, that shit wasn't in your control anyway. It's just little shit like this that helps in the long run.
AGAIN I'm not a psych or doctor, please seek actual help, communicate, reach out. I especially felt writing this out after parents literally took me to see their kid and he had been yabbering abiut a totally different problem but all about his room were the reflections of my life two years ago, that laptop, screen down, headphones connected, a phone nearby and a router, I knew immediately what the actual problem was, you guys spent so much time online that even when you do study, the actual things going on in your mind aren't the same. Him and that girl I read about on this place in Diwali, I hope for her, please keep a positive mind throughout all this, all of life indeed, you all are beautifully strong people. REMEMBER effort and discipline goes a long way than motivation and intelligence in this profession AND to focus only and only on the process, the effort, the goal and ambitions, all the time, even at the level of thought. Everyone and everything else will stay the same but you will "be like a rocky promontory against which the restless surf continually pounds; it stands fast while the churning sea is lulled to sleep at its feet". Love you all man, all the best.
P.S. I had to whore for some karma b4 posting here, so I joined a few subreddits, please don't judge me on that, I'll be here once a while if you guys want to reach out, but mostly I'm leaving this toxic place too.

I have been working for a company the last seven years. In 2021 I became pregnant and was on maternity leave until beginning of 2022. Upon returning I had my yearly evaluation and with the change in pay structure (removal of bonuses) and I was given a raise to match what I was making prior to taking maternity leave. Three months later I received a 20% paycut and I was informed it was due to budget cuts and that the board thought I made too much. I was the only employee to receive a paycut. At the end of the day as I was getting ready to leave, the CEO came in the office and mentioned how they don’t see me moving up in the company anymore since I am a mom now and that they think I won’t be fully dedicated to the company because I will be more focused on my child. He also stated that being a mom was my choice, not the company’s. In 2023 I became pregnant again and told my boss and he stated “I thought you were not having anymore kids”. I am on maternity leave now and my husband received orders three weeks ago so we will now be PCSing (Navy) across the country in July. I set up a meeting with the CEO last week and informed him about the situation and he offered that i could work remotely as I informed him I also have a daycare already for both of my children so they wont be at home with during the day on weekdays. Yesterday he sent me a text to come to the office so we can discuss more about it. He retracted the offer letting me work remote and instead said they will be letting me go once we move. He stated that since I am a mom of two now I won’t be able to focus on work and we don’t know the different circumstances that could happen there. He said the board declined it because of the time difference and because he doesn’t want to ruin our professional friendship. Also that this would be good for me to be able to stay home and spend time with the kids and once the kids are older I can work for the company again. The way he worded it felt like the company does not believe I can work remotely solely because I am a mother. We have over 20 employees in his home country that all work remote and work during the US business hours, we also have an employee in Canada (who went MIA for six months and then popped back saying he wants to work again). So the excuse of the time difference does not make sense. I feel like I am being discriminated against because I am a female with children.
To add more to some back story, the CEO has been very vocal and degrading towards women often mentioning how they should not be working but be home with the children. He also has the females clean the break room and we are charge of clean up after lunches. There are currently 3 lawsuits against the CEO for other non-related issues.
My problem is that I do not have in writing the reason he retracted the offer to let me work from home. And he made sure to do this while the accountant/hr was out of office. I am wanting to send a follow up email regarding the meeting so I have it documented but I am not sure how to word it without putting him on the defense as I still am able to work there once my maternity leave ends later this month up until I move in July. I was just denied being able to work remote because they don’t believe I can work and be a mom simultaneously, which i find to be ridiculous.

This is my first ever Reddit post and I’m posting to see some fresh perspectives. Any advice or help is welcome. Thank you.
I’ve been in a relationship for over 2 years now, and I can honestly say it has been the best time of my life. This woman helped me find myself and helped shape me into the man I am today. She always tries her best to listen to my problems, but lately I’ve been getting the feeling it’s too much for her. Which is why I’ve came to Reddit for help. (I’ve talked with my parents and a school therapist about this as well)
I’ve always had problems with anxiety. Ever since I was little I’ve cared far too much about what people think of me. It’s a problem that’s kind of taken a backseat these past few years, but has recently come up in a bunch of different ways. For around 7 months now, my relationship has been hindered by my chronic overthinking, 100% of the time wondering where she is and what she’s doing. I know that I can’t always know this, as that is controlling behavior, but it still upsets me deeply. Every scenario, such as being active on social media at the same time as guys I’m uncomfortable with, or not answering my texts when she is active on that app, makes me panic a bit. Instead of logically assuming she’s answering somebody else or just hasn’t opened my text yet, I always find the most catastrophic situation possible, like cheating. Even as I’m writing this, I’m wondering what guys she could be texting at that moment. I often have to talk to my girlfriend about these issues, and I often take her feelings for granted and I think it’s draining her to the point where I don’t think she can handle this as long as she thinks she can.
Let me give you an example of my head (For context, my girlfriend has just graduated and I am still in school.)
A couple of days ago, I was sitting in class with the knowledge that my girlfriend was going to be hanging out playing sports with her best friend (F) and a couple of guys, all of whom are her classmates. I end up learning that her best friend decided to stay at home, leaving her and these guys. I then learn that they are all planning on getting food at a restaurant in a neighboring tow. They get food, come back, then I learn that they are again playing sports, and after that is done, my girlfriend gives one of the guys a ride home as he does not have a car. Through no fault of my girlfriend, I’m learning all this new stuff through gapped texts, partly due to connection issues.
To most, this is just a normal day with nothing that could have happened. But my mind is not so simple. Let me take you through my thought process throughout the day.
First, let me go over one of her friends in particular, Fred (name change ofc). Fred has exhibited odd behavior since the start of the school year towards me and my girlfriend, and I don’t know if I’m justified in saying he has a crush on her. Please give me your thoughts. To my face Fred has called her the most beautiful girl in the school, knowing she was my girlfriend. He mentions her in class to me whenever he can bring her up, often unnecessarily. He sends her songs to listen to, and starts unnecessary text conversations stemming from questions he or she asked. Just after they got done as a group, he immediately sends her a video of a song and tries to initiate conversation, which she tries her best to shut down. After trying to shut it down, he then asks her if she’d want to get a group together and hang out again. How do you think me and my girlfriend should handle the situation? Any attempt at telling her anything about it makes me feel controlling and manipulative.
For context, Fred happens to be the friend my girlfriend drove home.
Back to the example, me learning that her female best friend was not there made me feel as if something was instantly going on, or that she planned this on purpose to be alone with Fred. Then when I learn she’s getting lunch with the guys, I feel as if she’s letting me go, while also wondering if she’s sitting next to Fred on the ride there. While they’re eating, I’m thinking about who she’s sitting next to and why it’s taking them so long to eat. When they return from the restaurant and are playing sports again I freak out wondering if this was her choice and if she’s using this as an excuse to be close to Fred or some guy that’s there now I don’t know about. By this point I’m out of school and at home, where I am trying to text her, but because she’s playing sports, she’s not answering her phone. Instead of thinking this, my already full head assumes something more is going on or that she’s not answering on purpose cause she knows I’m freaking out. By this point, Im in full panic mode, checking her location as often as possible, and after a short break, I see she is at Fred’s house. Her location is pinged there longer than it normally should be, and this just about sends me over the edge. Images of them kissing in the car or laughing while having good conversation pop into my head, and at this point there’s nothing I can do to stop it. I text her asking her what she’s doing, trying to almost set her up for a lie or expect the worst answer. When I do confront her about her location being there, she gives me a very logical, yet not complete answer, still allowing my mind to run free and wild. Looking back on it I honestly handled the situation very toxically, but in the moment I had no better ideas. Please tell me how I can react to these situations more calmly. I’d like to point out I’ve never outright accused her of cheating on me, but I have told her when it seems like at least a semi-rational scenario(even if it’s not).
So yeah, that’s what my brain thought of a seemingly normal day for my girlfriend was like. Please feel free to give suggestions on how I can change my behavior effectively. Also tell me if you think my girlfriend can change her behavior to help me.
These snowballing thoughts happen from the tiniest of things, and I need help stopping them before they begin. One of my main concerns is a trip my girlfriend is taking this summer, which includes Fred. There’s a high likelihood I’ll never see Fred again after this trip, and I’m worried he’ll make his move. I would love to say I trust my girlfriend, but in all honesty, for no reason at all I can’t trust her. She’s given me 0 reason to not trust her, and honestly I’m more scared of him making a move than her accepting it.
I’ve put thought into this, and I have 2 reasons. 1. Self-Confidence I am not ugly by any means, but lately because of my issues and changing appearance,I think I’ve started to get worried on whether or not I’m good enough for my girlfriend. 2. Fear of Loss One of the causes for lack of trust could be that I’m scared of losing her. Meaning I don’t want to completely latch onto her in case she hurts me. But I also feel Ive latched onto her too tight in other aspects of our relationship.
I know this post is extremely long, and I don’t think this encompasses everything I’m dealing with, so if you need more context feel free to message or leave a comment.
Thank you for your time.