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I thought I would share my story here, because reading about everyone’s experiences has been so incredibly validating. So firstly; from the bottom of my heart, THANK YOU everyone- in turn, I hope this helps someone, or that someone resonates with an experience, or adds to the collective consciousness of healing and realising that we deserve better. Because I need to believe that, I need to know this has been bad. I feel completely mental.
I’d like to start by saying this may not make sense and I’m a bit all over the shop rn and I apologise. And there are many, many things I could add to this that have added to the growing sadness and eggshell walking as the relationship went on, but I’ve tried to keep it small. I also want to say that you may be screaming at the screen wondering how I could be so stupid. And to that I say, me too. I am screaming at myself as well. As a 30-something year old woman, I acknowledge I was not the person I wanted to be in this situation. I wanted to be stronger.
I’m currently a couple of weeks out of my break up (or break up attempt 1 as I should probably put it, I’m still sending angry texts, receiving proclamations of love, wondering what if). I was with my nex (narcissistic ex) for nearly 7 years. We were meant to be getting married a week ago. For the last six months, my intuition had been telling me that a “friendship” he had with a coworker wasn’t right. This coworker was going through some stuff, and leant heavily on nex probably because he portrayed himself as a powerhouse at work who said whatever was on his mind and was always, always, always always right (newsflash he wasn’t). Nex has a saviour complex x1000 that I’d never let myself really think too hard about so he went hardcore “supporting her” and I sat on the sidelines thinking she needed that support. I won’t say anything about this girl but she’s not a girl’s girl. She’s a pick me. It kind of felt to me like- of course he’s not going to choose her, why would I worry about it. It’s too OBVIOUS. Like of course not? Look what we have.
Before this and during, Nex and I were planning on buying a house and were getting married (I was doing all the house saving, he had no idea about money but pretended he did, spent impulsively but was on a great salary, and I was doing all the wedding planning) and were planning on having a baby next year-ish. I had reached a point in my career that I was finally happy with, a career he said many shitty things about over our time together but it was the first thing he mentioned when talking to others and trying to impress. He had proposed at year 4 of the relationship (he always said he wouldn’t propose before 3 years because that’s how long his longest relationship was with his ex who he also cheated on). Red flag that yet again I ignored because I was different and this was different and I could change him and blah fucking blah.
Our relationship looked perfect. It really fucking did. I thought it was for a long time. I refused to think it wouldn’t be forever and wasn’t written in the stars. Behind the scenes, now I look back(ish) I realise I was struggling. I had raging PMS each month, often had depressive episodes that he would virtually ignore. I often struggled to watch movies where women had kind, funny and non reactive partners, I secretly envied my friends and their partners because they wouldn’t have to worry about what came out of their partner’s or their mouth next, or who their partner would fight with in the room, or how I would handle a public put down if he was in that mood or if I wasn’t handling myself perfectly. I walked on eggshells for years. I took his self aggrandising every day after work or sport as healthy self confidence. I was being slowly removed from my family as he argued with each one. He bragged about me and I felt like his trophy which I took as love and it gave me a false confidence I’d never had before when I was with him. When I spoke about him my inner voice said ‘wow, he really does sound great.’ His sister would often look at me and I felt like she always wanted to ask if I was really okay but I never let her. I had supported nex through addiction to weed/alcohol/substances of every kind (something I struggled to do because they have never been on my radar, just uninterested, and I was the bad person for that, I was the ‘child’ who wouldn’t immerse herself in the wonderful world of drugs), countless interpersonal issues at work and with his family, trying to support all sides, I had organised every home we had lived in, I organised cooking, cleaning, fun weekends, it was my goal to get him the most thoughtful and lovely presents I could find whenever I could. It was like it was my goal to be a fabulous girlfriend. I’m really not trying to pretend I’m perfect, but I can say 100% honestly that I put all I could into making him feel loved. He used to call me a unicorn, I guess because I just did whatever he wanted. However, I felt like I was going to bed in tears more often than anyone should. I got to the point where I wouldn’t put eye cream on because I knew I was just going to cry it off. Every Sunday morning I got a bit triggered by our local coffee shop because I always felt like that was where we were trying to pick up the pieces emotionally after fighting the night before over absolutely anything. I found this taxing, because never had I had such a tumultuous relationship with anyone before and I was wondering wtf was happening. He, on the other hand, often said how much he enjoyed conflict and he loved the feeling of anger. He said it to everyone and I always laughed it off. He said he was so good at handling people and he charmed so well, as he is incredibly good looking. He had issues with everyone - his bosses, his friends, his coworkers, his neighbours. We were in couples counselling after I couldn’t be yelled at anymore, and he had told a friend of ours that it was for me and not for him. I chose not to believe he said that because this friend had had issues with him too and I thought it might’ve been an attempt from them of triangulation. I believe them now. I’m so sorry to that friend. Two of his friends sent me messages on seperate occasions asking me if I was okay, that I didn’t have to put up with this.
Something I am proud of is that I, often, when I felt strong, and my brain worked, didn’t play along with his ego without a fight. I DID play devils advocate for the other person when he had yet another interpersonal issue. I DID call out his dogmatism. I DID expect more from him, that he didn’t have to yell CUNT or WHORE every time something went mildly wrong. However, there are times when I didn’t. And it was because I was just fucking exhausted.
Two/three months ago, and after I found a deleted phone call from the other woman that he lied to my face about, I started watching his find my iPhone which we had turned on when I went overseas a couple of years earlier but I’d forgotten about. It felt gross doing, I didn’t want to, but I also tried to justify it to myself by saying it’s my future, damn it, let’s see if I really am being ridiculous. One early morning while it was still dark, I felt him kiss me and say he was going to the gym. An hour later I woke up with an EERIE AS FUCK feeling and checked FMI. He was at her address. I called him and he didn’t pick up. I watched his car drive on FMI back to the gym and he conveniently called. I asked where he had been and he immediately gaslit me, said he was at the gym, FACETIMED ME TO SHOW ME and said that he couldn’t do my “jealousy” anymore. I broke down and told him I knew he had been at hers through FMI. He then started crying and said he visited her to call the friendship off “the right way” and that he told her that he cared for her but he had to stop because I couldn’t take it anymore and was too jealous. I bought it, as he never ever cried. I apologised. But from then on, my body was full of anxiety and pain. Life was on autopilot.
This happened a few other times. I had a weird feeling one afternoon on a Saturday when he said he was at the gym and had to pop into work to do some printing (not unusual). On autopilot, unable to feel emotions and probably looking completely mental, I got in my car, drove to the workplace, and saw both their cars outside. As I turned the corner to drive away, realising it HAD to be over now, you stupid bitch Charlie0987 it HAD to be over, I immediately got a call from him explaining away, can’t even remember what he said now. It’s not what you think, we have some important work to do that she can’t do alone, you’re jealous, she’s (the other woman) is angry that you even think anything is going on. I ended up apologising that night. Yep. However, at that point I did call off the wedding. I thought the wedding stress and money (literally, me fucking planning it, most of MY money) was the problem. I thought if we just eloped, we’d be okay. Calling everyone to call off the wedding while pretending to them and myself that it was all okay was fucked. I have no other way to describe it than completely and utterly fucked. He was then nice for a few days. I was heartbroken I couldn’t have the wedding I has envisioned, I didn’t let myself think of the love that was crashing down around me. Everyone asked me how the wedding planning was going, every day it was someone new. I had to pretend it was all fine and that we cancelled for financial reasons. It was hell. I will never again ask someone planning a wedding how the wedding planning is going until they bring it up with me.
All through this, I was supporting my friend with a very rare form of cancer (it doesn’t feel real typing this out, feels like some kind of shitty movie). I remember crying about it once on the couch and he said that my crying annoyed him, and that what the other woman had gone through was bad too. He said he didn’t want to have sex with me because I was too skinny (I was depressed and not eating) and cried too much and because I didn’t exercise and he was attracted to people that exercised (fair enough, but also fuck you). Still, through all this, I loved him, tried to be what he had loved about me for six years (compassionate and quiet) and told myself it was okay and it was a rough patch.
All through this, our couples counsellor was saying my attachment issue and abandonment issues was what was a huge part of the problem and that males and females have friendships and I needed to gtfo it. Like every human being I’m sure I have had fears of abandonment, and I do acknowledge I have relied on the safe feeling of men in the past. However, I NOW don’t think it was the main issue here. I don’t blame this counsellor if I’m honest, he was eating what was being fed to him by nex. And I wanted to believe it too. I was willing to work on myself and I was trying to see my anxiety for what I thought, and what I was being told, it was. Nex told me regularly when I asked him not to yell at me that I just didn’t understand real men.
A couple of weeks before D Day, nex asked for space to “miss me”. I went to my family, pretended he’d gone on a trip so I wouldn’t get asked why I was there, tried to show up for work, tried to be strong. I slept next to my wedding dress, still boxed. Those weeks were probably the worst weeks of my life. I didn’t know where he was, didn’t know who he was with, but we were still together, I didn’t eat, got medication to sleep, mindlessly partook in my hobbies to try to do the right thing and be the person he loved. He treated me like I was an annoying fly and either didn’t reply to messages or sent a few and then nothing. After four days of me barely eating and sleeping and looking like an emaciated ghost, I asked if I could come home (I loved our rental, it was such a safe space for me with my garden and my animals). He replied basically fine, and then for the rest of the week I was chastised for not giving enough space and that it wasn’t proper space. Couples counsellor agreed with him. A week later I said fuck it and went again, feeling a bit stronger this time. On day 3, I felt sick all day. I had a nap in the afternoon and felt dread. I had received no messages, but I messaged that I loved him that night. He love hearted it. I found out later he had been with her all day, but don’t worry, it was for a good reason he said. Intuition yet again picked that one up.
The next morning I got up, packed, and went home as it was our agreed upon day that I’d return. I said to him this is actually it, I can’t take this anymore. I am physically and mentally wrecked. It’s been six years. You’re a big boy. You’re either in it or you’re not. It was a big conversation, and we agreed that we would be in it together, the relationship was worth saving, and I would step back and agree to believe in his supportive friendship with this girl and no longer worry. He also agreed to tell me if he didn’t want to be together anymore, or if anything came up regarding this relationship with the girl. We set a date to elope for end of year. He went to the gym, and I remember saying to him I was so happy we’re choosing us. He kissed me and said me too. I felt elated and safe. I then re packed my bag, as I was taking my friend to her first cancer treatment the day after.
When he got back from the gym, he went to the shower. Now we had agreed with the couples counsellor not to check each others phones for a while. I had been okay with it, and didn’t have an issue leaving his phone. But once he got into the shower, my intuition, my chest, my body, SCREAMED at me to check his notes in his phone for the first time in weeks. I went into notes and found a text drafted to the other woman. It said something along the lines of “X and I have agreed to a break when she takes her friend to cancer treatment. I told her I wasn’t sexually attracted to her anymore but I was to you. I’m feeling so over it now she’s home, I want more space” plus some other awful stuff that I’ve buried down and can’t quite remember. At no point, ever, did we agree to a break. I dropped his phone, went into the bathroom, and told him I was leaving. I can’t remember much of the next few moments. I do remember he turned it on me for looking at his phone, then him crying. I remember screaming, screaming screaming at him. I had raised my voice hardly ever in our entire relationship so I can imagine that was a moment for him. But I just screamed. I asked if he was planning on trying to sleep with her when I was with my friend for radiation. He nodded. He blocked me from the door to “talk” and tried to grab me into a hug. I screamed and screamed. I put (the most random shit btw, a dress, some acne cream, a book??) some things into a bag and I got into the car, howling. And I sat there a moment and I STILL WONDERED IF I SHOULD LEAVE.
I STILL WONDERED IF I SHOULD LEAVE.
And I did. I drove away from our beautiful little secluded rental that I had poured my love into and was hoping to raise a baby in. I knew I couldn’t afford the rent alone but he can even with his pathetic spending habits and I can’t live in the place of our memories. I went to my family and fell apart. I’m not going to disclose further about my mental state or what happened but I got sent to be with other family for a couple of weeks in another state. He has been messaging me ever since. Promises of change, of moving away, of starting again, of selling a property that he bought before us and has sat doing nothing our entire relationship and was the reason we couldn’t buy our home, (frustrating that he reaps the reward of that now), saying he has blocked this other woman from his life (he still works with her and I refuse to believe he hasn’t had ongoing contact). Oh and on the day I drove to be with my family in another state, the universe decided to let my car meet her car, with him in it, at an intersection. He crouched down like the coward he is. She looked like a stunned mullet. I waved at her. I was hysterical. Can’t even remember it fully but I remember the feeling. That’s the love of my life in there with another woman. It. Was. Fucking. Hell. On. Earth. I still can’t believe that happened. What were actually the odds of that happening?
I’ve gone through so much anger towards her but I KNOW it’s misdirected. I’m slowly moving towards anger towards him. I haven’t messaged her telling her how my life has been destroyed and I won’t. I think she will thrive on it and she has a young kid who my heart bleeds for. And I have so much anger towards the series of events that had to happen in the first place and what feels like the wasted last 7 years of the best years of my life. I miss my home and my non-existent child and I miss arms around me. I miss him when he was nice. I hate that I don’t have what everyone else around me seems to have at this age, what I want so desperately. Please, please let me know I can get through this. Let me know I can’t go back. Please tell me this is abuse and it won’t get better because I am struggling to believe it. I’m also super fragile right now so if you want to say anything mean, just hold it for now and bring it to me later.
Love to you all. X

There's been much discussion, both on the podcast and on this sub, about the extent to which those involved in the Playboy inner and outer circle were subject to NDAs. Most recently, Crystal has been criticized by Marston and HB for supposedly obtaining NDAs near the end of Hef's life and "silencing" his close friend. I think there is some fundamental misunderstandings about NDAs and what their role might be in this story.
Who am I? I am a silly little lawyer, practicing in California, and I love the intersection of law and popular culture. I wrote a journal article in law school about NDAs and the MeToo movement but sure as hell didn't try to get it published, so I've done deep dives into this topic but I am by no means an expert. I do love to learn, however, so if anyone has expertise in this area and wants to correct me or add onto any of this I would greatly appreciate it.
What is an NDA?
A non-disclosure agreement or an "NDA" refers to the broad spectrum of contractual agreements where the terms of the agreement bind at least one party from communicating about a pre-determined topic. Basically, a contract that makes at least someone keep quiet about something.
A contract requires (amongst other things) consideration by both parties. This means both parties have to give and take something for the contract to be valid. A contract, or an NDA, cannot just be a piece of paper where someone promises to do something. There has to be something in it for both sides.
Consideration, most commonly, takes the form of money. I pay you X, so you will do Y. But it can also be in the form of permission to engage in a certain activity. For example, I did an escape room once that had an NDA clause in the waiver so that people wouldn't go blabbing about how to solve the room once they were done. In exchange for getting to do the room, I agreed to the NDA. If I didn't want to agree to those terms, I could just not do the escape room.
The terms of the contract have to be reasonably balanced. You can't pay one cent for someone to agree to give you their firstborn child. Courts generally aren't in the business of scrutinizing the fairness of terms of contracts unless there's something grossly egregious about them, but it still has to make some modicum of sense.
Misunderstanding #1 - Anyone who signs an NDA is a victim being silenced by the other party.
This seems to be the assumption that HB and Marston are operating off of. There's this notion that Crystal forced all of Hef's circle to sign NDAs near the end of his life and now they're being silenced because of it.
First, you can't just have people sign NDAs and expect them to be enforceable. If Crystal did get NDAs from Hef's circle later in life, they had to have been paid consideration for it. Either Crystal offered them a sum of money (which they accepted) or the NDA was a requisite to partake in movie night, buffet dinner, etc. Either way, those who signed NDAs did so with an acceptance of what would be offered in exchange.
Obviously, there's argument that most people don't really understand the contracts they sign and wouldn't agree to them if they understood what they were giving up. But Hef's inner circle? These are people who have been in the entertainment industry for years, if not decades; these are people who have money to hire a lawyer, if not already have a lawyer on speed-dial. I am skeptical that if Dickie Bann was handed an NDA before entering the mansion for movie night he would've just signed it blindly.
Let's also consider the fact that the value of one's ability to speak out is inherently subjective. The criticism of an NDA assumes that the right to speak on a matter is something otherwise desired by the person agreeing to the NDA. It's easy to wonder why a victim would ever agree to an NDA and be prevented from speaking out about their experience. Frankly, before MeToo and the rise of social media, most victims of traumatic experiences were more inclined to speak less about their abuse than to go public. If you're a victim, and you already have no reason to speak to the public about your trauma, getting a significant payout to remain silent is actually a pretty solid deal.
Hef's friends are not victims by any means. But they showed a great amount of loyalty to him and the Playboy brand for decades before his death. I am incredibly skeptical of the notion that Hef's friends, but for some NDA, would have otherwise planned on ratting him out and showing the world that his health was declining.
The value of silence is subjective. Someone signing an NDA does not necessarily mean they are now restricted from publicly communicating something major. It very well might mean they just now have a legal obligation to do the thing that they would have done otherwise.
If, somehow, Crystal had been able to get Hef's friends to sign NDAs, I do not think that it influenced their behavior enough from what would have otherwise been that anyone needs to be that concerned about it. If it did, great, they probably got a great payout from it.
Misunderstanding #2 - NDAs are counter-intuitive to free speech and Hef would have never stood for them
As I'm sure many of you are aware, the First Amendment protection of free speech refers to the government's ability to restrict speech. Someone choosing to sign an NDA is not the same as the government preventing your broadcast from reaching its desired audiences. Someone choosing to not enter a private preschool with an AR-47 has nothing to do with their Second Amendment rights. The free speech that Hef specifically was known for advocating for had to do with censorship at the hands of the government from the broadcast of "obscene" content.
Maybe Bridget meant just the general philosophical idea of "free speech," which you would hope her masters in communication would have taught her to clarify the difference between. Regardles, remember, NDAs require consideration. This is not just ruthless silencing of innocent people who'd love to speak out about how awful Crystal is. These are wealthy, if not also highly educated, people in Hef's inner circle who, if they signed an NDA, surely understand the gravity (or lack thereof) of what they're agreeing to.
Likewise, I don't think Hef was against the idea of an NDA. Holly speculated that Hef wouldn't have required NDAs for those going into the bedroom because it would have given them a second to think about their decision. There's probably truth to this, but courts are also -very- reluctant to enforce any contracts that seem as though they would implicitly be authorizing sex in exchange for money. Also keep in mind the limited opportunities for women at that time to "speak out" if they even wanted to share about what happened in the bedroom. Hef probably would've loved for the public to hear what happened. There wasn't social media or the same understanding of power dynamics as there are these days. Who is someone who went into the bedroom and didn't sign an NDA and had a horrible time going to go to?
Someone can correct me if I'm wrong, but I believe that Holly said she signed an NDA to work at the studio. This is perfectly reasonable. Anyone who is on a salary or signed a contract with an employer probably has signed off on an NDA clause and are currently bound by it. You couldn't keep something like who the Playmate of the Year was under wraps without some strict confidentiality provisions. The Playboy empire could not exist if there was some kind of blanket rule against NDAs.
Additionally, part of the allure of the mansion parties, per the podcast, were that no outside cameras were permitted inside. You're really gonna rag on someone not wanting a bunch of shitty iPhone shots of a man in his dying days, meanwhile you're singing the praises of exclusive parties that for decades wouldn't let people take and share photos of the event?
I am fully confident that Hef did not have issues with NDAs for business purposes, and certainly did not see that as contradicting his stance on free speech. In the podcast they said the mansion staff signed NDAs as part of their employment contracts There are countless examples of the Playboy company trying to silence people in Secrets of Playboy. Hef made it very clear that his stance was that free speech was important when it could help his bottom line. Anything else was negotiable.
Misunderstanding #3 - If someone signs an NDA it's automatically enforceable/If an NDA is unenforceable that will be obvious from the get go
To play devil's advocate to myself, I will say that whether an NDA is enforceable by a court of law and whether the parties abide by the terms are two separate issues. In many cases, a contract may not hold up in court if someone seeks to litigate over alleged violation of the terms. Most contracts don't get litigated over let alone actually get a final determination of their enforceability by a Court.
I will say that there's possibility that Crystal had people sign NDAs that were shotty but that the signers didn't understand that the NDAs weren't legitimate and so they still complied with the terms of the contract. (for example, often those waivers you sign for various activities wouldn't hold up in court, but people think they do, which precludes a lot of people from even considering bringing a claim) But this goes back to the type of people who would be signing these NDAs who otherwise might have access to sensitive information about Hef or the company. These are not girls coming out to do test shoots or the larger guest list at the mansion parties. These are people who are wealthy, powerful, and educated and would not be duped by the idea that merely signing an NDA with ridiculous terms would mean the contract is enforceable. Or perhaps they just didn't give a fuck enough about blabbing so there was no reason for them to even question the NDA that would stop them from saying something they weren't playing on saying.
Not a misunderstanding but one closing note in defense of these hypothetical NDAs - The power of speech for the average person has increased exponentially in the digital and social media age. HB acknowledge that the mansion parties were unique from anything currently because there weren't the same tools we have now to disseminate information. I think it's sort of an apples and oranges comparison in terms of confidentiality to compare the vibes of the buffet movie nights from the early 2000s to the 2010s, not even taking into account the nature of Hef's health.
I think Bridget talked about how a lot of screen contracts didn't allow for residuals from streaming services because they literally hadn't existed then. By the time smartphones and social media were ubiquotus I don't think Hef really gave that much of a care about protecting his or the brand's image. Hef never had a policy or strategy to address social media because it just wasn't even a problem for him to consider, not because he had some absolutely stance on letting anyone who came to the mansion say whatever they wanted about it to the masses.
Ok, I think that's all I have for now. Happy to talk about this or debate this more, but wanted to clear some things up since I feel like this drama with Crystal and allegations about NDAs is going to come up in the near future.

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I wanted to make a post after a comment I saw last night about the fact that loads of people were interpreting the Martha and Donny sex scene as real. I’ve been driven crazy by peoples’ “takes” on this show and the amount of people who appear to have completely missed the central premise?! It’s like, in order to understand something people need to have it spelled out in the most basic way possible. The endless “why is sent from my iPhone misspelled” posts! The “why did he accept her friend requests then” posts! The “he led her on” posts??? This show is so good precisely because it’s subtle and complex and relies on a level of artistic interpretation and basic media literacy. What gives, people??
Edit: punctuation

Hi All,
Firstly, I’m sorry for everyone that has been hurt by infidelity/ a relationship ending. Whilst I wasn’t aware of this subreddit until I found out about the infidelity, I’ve gained (virtual) companionship and strength for what I’m going through from other people’s posts. Thanks to all who have shared their stories/ comments in different threads.
Background - me M, mid 40’s, her late 40’s. We’ve been together 19.5 years. Met in a country that both of us had emigrated to, and fell in love very quickly exploring the city we lived in together. It was pretty stunning falling in love together, and for both of us exciting that a relationship could be that good. She hadn’t had a great history of past relationships, with no real LTR, and I’d only had two previous relationships - a 3 year relationship, and a 4 month relationship that ended with that GF cheating on me.
After a year together we moved to my country of origin, where we lived for 3.5 years. Still very close, in love, but our sex life suffered significantly. I was trying to initiate sex, and she was not too interested - the standard response being “I do not want to have sex as much as you do”. She had a stressful job, and some mental health issues during this time, so I chalked it up to both of those difficulties, as well as her libido changing, due to anti-depressants and some other issues.
We were married 4 years in, and both very excited and proud to be married to each other. We eloped and spent 6 weeks travelling overseas which was filled with wonderful days.
After 4.5 years together we moved to a new country together, where we’ve lived since. It was a difficult start here - she couldn’t work, and I wasn’t making much money. Over time we were able to build towards what we wanted in our life together - more travel, pets and finally a house. Our sex life still suffered - she saying that she just wasn’t interested in that anymore/ that side of her was over. I tried to discuss it with her at times, but didn’t have a great skillset to do so, plus I said some hurtful things along the way, as I was frustrated, and hoped that it might spur her into action. Other than that, our relationship was very rewarding, to both of us. We were emotionally intimate, supportive, trustworthy, enjoyed each other’s company, and wanted to share everything in life with each other. Well, other than sex at her end. I very much wanted her, but also found it difficult to imagine her wanting me in that way.
After years of being rejected by her I did hang out with her less at home - I felt hurt by rejection, so chose other hobbies over going to bed with her at the time she did, which I know made her feel lonely. I feel bad about this, but it was to avoid further rejection.
7 months ago she left to temporarily return to her home country, to support her Father through some surgery. We had a week travelling together first, and both felt sick at the thought of being apart. It was one of the best weeks of our relationship to me; we were connecting through these new experiences, content to be in the moment with each other. There was a little sexual intimacy on the trip, which gave me hope of a brighter future in that way.
Two weeks after saying goodbye to me at the airport she met a man at a party and started a physical and emotional affair with him. They’ve been together ever since, and their affair has evolved into a relationship where they have expressed their love for each other.
Through this 7 months she was away she did everything she could to avoid me finding out - her messages to me every day were filled with love and emotion. Our calls were great, and she seemed excited to see me. But throughout I felt something was off - it felt like we were growing distant, especially due to the distance, and no plans of hers to come back. Whenever I’d press her on this she’d get upset or angry, telling me it was an emotional trigger and she couldn’t show me how upsetting it was for her. If I pushed, she’d tell me to fuck off.
When I explained how worried I was about us, she told me I was being selfish; that I should be thankful she was having time with her family, especially as her parents were both sick - this may be her last time with her Mum. She hadn’t told me that before, so I said I understood.
I went into some very, very dark places in my mind during this time - knowing something was wrong, and not being able to work out what it was. She was aware of this - she saw me unravelling daily on our calls, over months. She suggested this anxiety around us/ her was all in my head, and I needed to get a therapist to try and get over this being in my head. Thankfully I did start to see a therapist around then, even though I was reacting to something that was very real - I just didn’t know what it was yet.
5 months after she left, with no sign of her coming back we had a bad fight, and she me told her feelings of attraction towards me had changed. But she wanted to go to couples counselling to work on this, and she felt we could get past this and be better. A few days later she said she’d come back immediately to work on it - our marriage was important to her. I said if she could promise it wouldn’t jeopardize our marriage further, to stay the course with her parents, and have more time with them, as hard as that would be for me. She readily accepted, and I unwittingly given her another two months to be with her boyfriend.
Finally “it’s time to come back and be with you”. She booked a trip home, albeit with 3.5 weeks in a country en route. Every day she sent me pictures of her travelling in this country, and every few days photos to my family. 4 weeks ago I discovered by chance (using her old iPhone for a work trip as mine was broken) 6 months of photos of her with him, including the trip they were currently on. Every photo she’d sent me or my family; the next photo was her with him. I was absolutely devastated, destroyed, and see no way through this darkness and suffocation I am experiencing.
She’s since come back, showed no remorse during the first two weeks, however I did see remorse over last weekend. Nonetheless we are not going to work on it, and proceed with separation - my lawyer started that process this week.
We had one pointless session of marriage therapy where she told the therapist she was relieved that I discovered the affair, and she didn’t want to work on us, as she was still in love with her BF. And she told me she hasn’t been attracted to me for a very long time; possibly this shifted after 3 months of meeting - more than 19 years ago. She said she just pushed this down, rather than deal with it, even though we moved in, moved countries, got married, got pets, bought a house.
It’s an extremely dark period for me, 1 month after DD. I just spiral through the following emotions, one after another:
Grief - the difficulty I am having with 19.5 years of love being over.
Betrayal - the difficulty in understanding how someone I thought would NEVER do this, was able to do it so easily to me.
Deceit - the anger and hurt of being lied to/ manipulated for 6 months, in order for her to maintain more time with her AP. And the shock that , she was so good at it. And she was 100% aware that this was at the expense of me, physically and emotionally.
Shame - the feeling that I/ we allowed our relationship to get to this point (apparently very bad, even if I wasn’t aware it was that bad), where she would engage in an affai new relationship.
Humiliation - the feeling that I was so easily replaced by another man, just 2 weeks after saying goodbye to me, after a special period of travelling together. That our 20 years of life and plans and love meant nothing to her in regards to the decision to cheat/ start a new relationship.
Humiliation redux - that she only found me attractive for a very short period of time, and put off telling me this for 19 years. Every decision I made about our relationship was without knowing the truth; that she was longer attracted to me. It feels like the relationship was a sham.
Grieving the future - before she went overseas, we had a week travelling together that was (to me) some of the happiest times of my time with her. I felt renewed for our love/ life, and whilst she was away I worked on myself to be a better person/ partner, and focus to have a better future together. It’s hard now not getting that opportunity. We only had 3 years in our house that we bought, 7 months of which she was away for.
Any thoughts on how to live with this/ breathe with this would be appreciated. All of this is destroying me, and it’s hard to see how my life could ever be better, as I try to deal with all the above.
Sorry for such a long post, and I wish the best and empathize with everyone going through similar sadness.

This is my first post ever so sorry, and the main text will be a copy from my iPhone notes, which I wrote about ‘my friend’’the wife’ which is obviously me. I cannot go to anyone, but I found out my husband has been having sexual massages and happy endings and I really don’t know what I want to do. What would you do? This is going to be lengthy, but hopefully someone out there somewhere has some time to help. Context: I am Australian he is Japanese and we have a baby boy(10mo) Got married after being together for a year. We live in Tokyo.
Here it goes.(the friend,wife=me)
So I have a friend that has a bad situation. Her husband has been shady since she was pregnant, said he would stop drinking out late when she turned 8months pregnant but continued up till one week away from the due date. He took 6 months leave, but after a month, he started going out drinking again. (Btw not an alcoholic) On average, he would be out 3.5times a week out till the average of 4am. Could vary from 12am to 7am. 12am would usually when he had an early start. He wouldn’t lie, but wouldn’t mention intentionally where he went or who he was with, or leave out those details, or lie. He usually went to a bar the wife knows as well and has been and knows the owner. She went to the husband with a constructive list of why she didn’t like his behavior and points that could be changed, no emotions just productive, knowing emotional talk just makes the situation worse. Nothing really changed. He went on a ‘sauna’ trip with drinking buddies she didn’t like, and was obvious girls that he didn’t know would be invited. When the wife asked if there would be girls there, (and be assured he could go but just be honest) he said no. The wife asked if he could swear on his son, and he said yes. And yes he lied. The wife was now fully snooping on his phone, since she could never get any truth out of him. The next fight was because she found a group text of 4married people getting together at a very fancy hotel room at 8pm. The husband didn’t know the ladies, and his friend ‘set the occasion’. A couple of days before this meeting he asked the wife if he could go to dinner that night with a colleague. She told him what she knew, he denied saying he was going to cancel on them and wasn’t planning on going, the fight ended with the husband saying he was disappointed with the wife. And the wife apologizing. She was traumatized couldn’t believe anything but tried her best to not let her feelings out. Didn’t ‘forbid’ im from doing anything. They went to her home country for a month. Everything went great, they were a happy family, and no worries of late sleepless nights. For some reason when they came back home the husband had sex with her for the first time in more than a year. She was happy, when she initiated nothing happened so was hoping that the period of her husband being considerate of her postpartum body ended. But yet again, not even a romantic kiss, only family/friend kisses and of course no sex. She was sad, she got flashbacks of her lonely nights with her newborn. She was scared anxious and nearly depressed. She asked her husband at new years that she really doesn’t want the same thing happen this year. He started smoking again, only admitted when asked, he only smoke at work but since he quit for 4years, the wife was sad and disappointed.
After a while her body started to feel like herself again, she felt stronger. The husband would only go out 1,2times a week and would usually be home by 2am. But she still had so many doubts, and hunches. She tried to clean up wear nice lingerie for his birthday and wedding anniversary but he slept or was too tired. It had been 6months since the sex. She was suspicious, did he have to have sex right when they got home from overseas because he couldn’t get it over there? She always suspected he went to somewhere. But never had proof and also trusted him, and also believed he wasn’t that stupid to risk everything.
One week after their 5th anniversary, she finally got proof. He went to a sexual massage, during working hours, payed 22000yen($200) for 80mins and the optional ‘heaven’ course. She is DISGUSTED. She knew it wasn’t his first time, he recommended the same place to his friend while she was pregnant.(known from the snooping) She had enough of him hiding all the texts and phone calls to girls, but this was the final straw. She did not say anything, her husband would never try to talk things out and she was tired of initiating the conversation. And why would she when he would just lie. Now she is not talking to the husband except the bare minimum and matters including their son. She wakes up at 2am and sleeps on the couch, if she can. She hardly eats. He notices but is avoiding the situation and going with the flow. She cannot imagine a life without her son and her husband, the three of them. Could she ever forgive, forget and let go? Is she over reacting? She has no answers and is just trying to get through everyday taking care of her son.
Any thoughts? I don’t want to break up my family but I am just so sad and lonely.

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My husband and I have been married 8 years. We are both Catholic, and we met because of the church, both volunteering playing music for some of the masses. We have one kid, a daughter, who’s 7 years old. My husbands never been into sex, which was fine, because neither was I. Not that I hated it but, it was definitely something I could live without, and to be honest I’ve never really wanted that much, it always sounded weird to me. And, because of our religion we both waited til after marriage anyways. I discussed my thoughts about sex with my husband before we were even married, and I was relieved because he felt the same way, because not many men do. So many men especially in modern society pressure women into sex so lucky me! I find one who doesn’t! Except flash forward more than a decade after meeting and apparently he’s gay. We’ve had sex to have our child, obviously, having a child was something I’ve always wanted despite my disinterest in sex and my husband seemed mostly into the idea too, so after we got married we did try to make a child, however after I got pregnant we’ve just never had sex since. Which, in retrospect, I really should’ve seen as a sign, but for years I just assumed we were on the same wavelength of not needing sex in our relationship.
Anyways, as to how I found out he was cheating on me, it really wasn’t even intentional. This last Monday night my daughter, who‘s 7, had this idea to steal my husbands phone when he was asleep and use his thumb to unlock it. It’s the kind of thing a 7 year old does to be mischievous I guess, I’ve never felt a need to snoop on my husbands phone myself, I really assumed up until this he was loyal, I’m close friends with all his female friends so why would I need to worry...! Although in retrospect too I missed a lot of signs, and he was always sort of secretive with his phone, but he’s also always talking about how Apple and Facebook are spying on you, that there’s hackers and that kind of thing... I don’t know. It feels stupid looking back on. Anyways, I walked into the living room after taking a shower to find my husband dead asleep on the couch from a messed up sleep schedule, and my daughter playing on an iPhone that’s definitely not hers as she doesn’t have a phone, so I asked her what she was doing, she admitted pretty fast and handed the phone over to me. It was open on the notes app she was using the drawing feature to make a drawing, I exited out of the app and on the Home Screen I saw a few apps that immediately stood out to me. Namely: Tinder, Grindr, and Daddyhunt. I wasn’t 100% sure what Grindr or Daddyhunt were but I immediately had a sick feeling in my stomach, as well as a suspicion, which was soon confirmed. I opened Tinder and scrolled through just the screen where it shows your messages, and they were all male names and profiles. I definitely must’ve looked as shocked as I felt, because my daughter asked me what I was looking at to make “that face”, so I said it was nothing, closed the app and turned off the phone like nothing happened. I then got my daughter ready for bed. Later that night I researched what Grindr and Daddyhunt were, which of course were what I thought, I’d even heard of Grindr before but when I first saw the app name I really tried gaslighting myself.
But there’s no ignoring it, now. I feel like an idiot for ignoring all the signs. Not only was there the disinterest in sex, but I look back and see a lot of things, the way he would smile at his phone and I’d ask why and he’d say “nothing, just something a friend texted”, the time he complimented this strangers gay flag tattoo, all the times he’s gone over to a friends house or that he had to attend business at his job, not stating which friend or what specific business, his interest in romcom movies like Legally Blond, Heathers, Mean Girls… like, am I stupid? Has he always been carrying this big gay flag around and I’ve been too blind to notice? For a decade. How long has he known? Who else has he had sex with? How many people is it? Does he love any of them? Does he love me? This entire decade of my life, spent with him, and he’s gay.
And the worst part is, I’m not even sure if I should tell him. Or if I want to. If I do, then it’ll mean most likely divorce, which I really do not want our 7 year old daughter to suffer through. Or worse maybe is if I tell him and we stay together, then he’ll know I know and our dynamic will have to shift. Already we haven’t been sleeping in the same bed most nights, most nights usually either I or him sleep in my daughters room, or he’ll fall asleep on the couch, it’s rare we actually spend the full night sleeping together. Before having our daughter, after we married, at least then we would every night, for that first year. But then with job changes, moving, and of course our daughter, I guess it all shifted, and it happened gradually and at a pace I never even noticed how disconnected we had become. Because of how connected we were at the beginning, I assumed our connection still stood, and now I’m realizing how distant apart we are. A selfish part of me also doesn’t want to confront him because it would mean having to explain to my family, coworkers, friends, that I’d married a gay man, we’d had a relationship for 10 years, and he was cheating on me. Even if I don’t get into specifics with anyone outside immediate family and the closest of friends, I have to admit I see it as embarrassing, on my behalf. If I don’t confront him it means everything can stay the way things are. But another part of me knows too that the way things are right now is mostly surface level, not real, and that by not confronting him I’m continuing this false narrative in favor of fake happiness. And doesn’t he deserve to know the truth? And deserve a life without me, if that’s what he wants? I’m not even pissed at him. I should be pissed, I really should be, but I‘m not. I’m mostly just in shock, and pissed at myself for not noticing. I’m not mad at him like I thought I’d be. I’ve continued on this week as if everything is normal, and it’s been surprisingly easy to play this part as if nothing happened.
I think I should confront him, but I am so, so conflicted. I cried just a bit ago for our marriage, and I think also from stress, whereas I haven’t cried at all this week before today. I have no one to talk about this with in my real life. Should I confront him? Would it benefit our relationship, and benefit our daughter, would it be the good thing for him and for our family? If so, how do I do it? Do I just tell him bluntly that I know? Do I gather more evidence first? How do I start that conversation? Is there a certain way to word it, to make the conversation go smoothly? If I don’t, then what then? Do I continue pretending like everything’s okay, and that our marriage is not a sham? Do I try to rekindle our connection, if not even romantically, just to be closer, so that maybe he can tell me himself? Will he ever tell me himself? I’m so exhausted. It’s 6 AM that I’m writing this, and I woke up 3 AM alone in the bed unable to sleep, and cried.

Hi everyone,
I'll try to keep this as short as possible but I need to add context.
My wife (30F) and I (32M) have been together for over 8 years, married for 3. In the past I've been cheated on in my only 2 real relationships. I have always fully trusted my wife and never thought she'd ever do anything behind my back. I've always struggled to trust people, and I'm currently going through diagnosis for autism. People have always taken advantage of me, be it friends or more.
Last year she was hospitalised for a few weeks after experiencing a psychotic episode. She's finally at a stage where it seems like she's back to her normal self. But we haven't really had sex since. It's felt awkward for me as if someone is not in the correct frame of mind, I don't want to pressure her or feel like we're having sex and she doesn't want to. I don't know if that sounds odd, but I don't want to take advantage or anything, or do anything she regrets.
Recently, I've been experiencing joint pains, and it seems I may have Rheumatoid Arthritis. I'm waiting for the diagnosis but it seems to be one thing after another. Because of this I've been extremely anxious and upset. I've been seeking reassurance from her. In the beginning she was so reassuring, then one time I asked her and she couldn't promise she'd stick by me which I found strange. The following day she said she didn't mean to upset me and was just having a moment which I understood as it's not easy. Then I noticed she was constantly texting another guy that she 'accidentally followed on instagram'. I didn't think anything of it as it's fine for her to talk to other people, that's fine. I don't want to be controlling. But I noticed she was talking to him so much every day. I had a bit of a breakdown over everything happening (There's also a lot of other stuff going on a the moment and it got too much). I then asked her about the guy and she said it's nothing and she will stop talking to him. I said it's not a problem that you're talking, I just want some reassurance that there's no feelings etc. She was adamant she would stop talking so I left it at that but felt bad also, as I don't want to come across as controlling.
Today she wanted help with her watch. To do so , I had to use her phone to access the app to help her. I closed the app by swiping up like you do on iPhone and noticed chats below. It seems she was still messaging this guy but had it on muted notifications to hide it. I didn't look into the messages as they're private and again, I don't want to be one of these controlling people. But it's made me feel so awful.
Basically, I have no problem with her talking to others, but the way she's deliberately deceived and lied to me, It's really cut deep. The one person I feel like I could trust with my life. With my health issues, I'm really starting to consider if she would stick by me. It seems like this is an exit plan for her. I'm still shook up so maybe I'm overreacting but I'd love to hear your views please.
The guy is local and of similar age. If she's wasting my time, I'd rather just know so I can go off and live my life whilst I still can as never know how the RA may progress.
Am I being over protective?
Thanks so much.

I’m an 18y/o male and I’m here to get guidance whilst maintaining some sort of anonymity (obviously I don’t want to tell my parents any of this). I got my first girlfriend in October and we’ve had sex maybe 5-6 times since February and I’ve only came twice. No matter how long it lasts or how perfect everything(including her) is, I can only cum to porn. I’ve tried to quit before but I’ve always come back. Is there anyway I can block porn sites without using the password to my phone?(iphone btw)

So my partner and I have been going through it for a while (been posting here for a bit thank you all for your support) and my partner I feel is just finding every little thing about what happened previously to stay angry.
I was in an awful relationship before meeting my current partner (I consider him someone that’s got A LOT and I mean A LOT of inexperience in the romance or sexual department) with my last relationship it was opened up forcefully after my ex made me get a forced abortion and I was emotionally ruined by what happened so the relationship was opened up and I ended up meeting my current partner.
While I was trying to work things out with my Ex my current partner knew of the situation and what was going on and that I was trying for reconciliation with my ex but it never worked out and that ended. Clear lines weren’t made he hadn’t asked me to be his girlfriend and he still had dating apps on his phone and I slept with someone in August and eventually ended up ghosted by this person after trying to be their friend and see if they were okay (they worked IT for the Navy and he got sent out and hadn’t heard from him or known if he was safe, I had a finsta with the name of an old coworker that I used to well stalk people on and once I saw he posted on his story I was angry and stopped trying for a friendship, and I think about it now which doesn’t make me any better but I realize lots of people just go no contact after hooking up and that thought didn’t cross my mind from a social perspective) and that was were I made a huge mistake and will acknowledge that and have and will continue to be apologetic for it.
I slept with that person because I didn’t know that I was the first POC that my current partner had ever been with and I wanted to be with someone who had experience being with someone of color (all the men in the story are Asian American if anyone was wondering and I am Black American). I had what any Black women feared of of being a fetish for someone that never even tried or talked to or followed other people like me his TikTok following was filled with lighter complexion women and those with larger breasts than mine and BBLS so to say I felt insecure and inadequate was an understatement I brought this to attention after asking other Black women what to do and they said to get over it and give him a chance so I did. I stopped with the finsta but didn’t delete the search on it because I just didn’t use it anymore and I considered that the crack in our relationship because it hurt him really bad he found out in November after there was no contact for about 3 months between the two of us (I’m integrated in the Apple system so I have an iPhone and an iMac I deleted his number and blocked him from my phone but you can’t on iMacs, he went through my computer while I was in Utah for training for work and that’s when he saw the messages between us and I told him the full story I’m telling everyone here).
We sat down and I was silent because this was his moment to be angry and to ask questions and be angry and decide what he wanted to do from here now ( I didn’t apologize which I should have but I felt like I had already made the mistake of sleeping with this person so the damage was done even if I didn’t know where we actually stood I hurt this person so I tried to make him feel like he was the only person who had my eye after sleeping with NavyBlue dude).
He decided to still be in a relationship with me which I was thankful for and grateful and just knew I had to continue to makeup for what I did. I would ask him how’s he doing and how’s he feeling hoping he would open up or tell me if anything is bothering him. He did ask why again and I told him the same full reason and that if I could change it I would I’d go back and tell myself that it’s not worth it; it really isn’t.
He harbored resentment without talking to me or opening up at all he never told me what was going on with him and never showed any emotions or asked any more questions, we had just gotten done having sex I was sore at this point (like I said before he has a lot of inexperience sexually so he would think sex is supposed to last hours because he had a large porn addiction which I never knew about and it only escalated further down the line) he asked if he could finish himself off which I had no issue with and I’d didnt really have an issue with the use of porn either but he pulled out his phone and started watching porn infront of me and proceeded to get himself off I felt very uncomfortable and told him he could have at least went to the bathroom as a courtesy which he realized he could have and said he would. I was feeling really off with my body at this point because of what I had did and just the constant feeling of I’m not what my partner wants because I don’t look like anyone he watches or gets off too so I said let’s just work on us and we’ll take care of our needs ourselves.
I had no idea what I gotten myself into at that point because I had no idea how bad his addiction had also ran he was in the bathroom for hours at a time. I hadn’t started noticing till we just started spending less and less time together because of him working and then coming back home and his bathroom activities (all in the span of a few days really). I had to use the bathroom one day and knocked on the door and tried to open it because he’s never locked it before and gave him time to finish but he hadn’t “finished” so he tried to walk out and hug me with his hard on still there I felt completely disgusted with myself and gross and dirty.
So we just stopped having sex again for a while till I feel somewhat comfortable with my body or when I was really in the mood I also tried putting everything in the back of my mind psyching myself that I’m with him and he chose me. Id ask him for confirmation that I’m still pretty and he still likes me and he says yeah so I start to feel somewhat confident in myself again I hadn’t been eyeing anyone else he had the passwords and logins to all my social media and phone and computers but something inside of one day in February said to look in his phone and he had downloaded tinder hinge and bumble (which I didn’t find out till a week later he downloaded it) all back again and was using them while he was at work and deleting them before coming home.
I asked him if I hadn’t caught him would he have still continued and he said yes he would’ve. I was hurt and crushed but still stayed with him because I wanted to I knew that love takes effort and I was willing to try still for this person. I ended up finding out I was pregnant a couple days later and before Valentine’s Day. He didn’t stop he continued to watch corn and go on dating sites almost every app out there imaginable he had it on his phone from those to hardcore messaging websites to call apps and talked to women in the bathroom while we were both home. I was devastated each time I found out something new and continued to beg him to stop and had told him the energy your putting towards people who don’t know you exist could go towards us even from finding out the dating apps I had been telling him this.
It eventually got to point where things got physical unfortunately and he had been sleeping on the futon in my living room for 2 months and I ended up tasing him trying to get him to wake up in my mind to what what was going I was begging and pleading atp and seeing that he was still watching OF girls on TikTok the last video that broke the camels back for me was a video of a girl with a BBL twerking and I sent it to our TikTok chat and said since he likes to watch these girls do this I’ll send out that number of videos for how many videos he was watching on TikTok so I sent 4 people a video of me shaking my ass to them and he said that was what finally got him to stop watching other videos and to put the effort into us.
Everyday I try to approach the day with it’s a new day and to be open and vulnerable and communicate with him and to let him know my fears. We’ve now got an open phone policy and tell each other when we’ve went through the others phone and I see he’s upset about the open relationship I was in last year in his notes recently saying he thought he’d just have to tolerate that I slept with him but at the same time I was in the open relationship and after that relationship he was paying for videos and conversations on OF.
So I’m frustrated because I get how he can be upset with me being in that relationship but I told him and gave him the option of not talking to me and finding someone else and he chose to stay and talk to me while I had no knowledge of what he was doing so how does he find what he did okay paying women for months while we’re talking but he upset about a relationship that wasn’t working and ended. No matter what I’m going to let him feel his feelings because those are his and he’s entitled to them but it’s so frustrating feeling like I had just been fucking up from the beginning and he hasn’t. Like I feel like I’m just going to painted as a villain for part of his story that he has to learn how to live with and I just wonder what more is there for me to do to show him he’s the only one that I want if he’s not willing to understand that yes that did happen yes there were mistakes on both sides yes we’ve both stained the tshirt with coffee but it’s okay because we can work on it together and make a nice tie dye shirt to where you can’t even see the ugly stains anymore from all the beauty that’s in it now.

How would you take it?
I think I worded it wrong. Let me rephrase this. My partner is a pipeliner so he’s away monday through friday. For 6 years he’s told me he doesn’t watch porn but I’ve always had a big doubt since he’s away often. Our sex life is fine and he always initiates when we have a chance. He doesn’t have performance issues but just a month ago his iPhone got connected to my iCloud and I found out I could see his safari so after he got home from work I would check and he would look at porn I imagine to masturbate. I found out when he logs into porn he searched for this OF influencer and also, he logged into a website called ( livejasmin.com ) and I found out it was live women showing off their body. I masturbate as well but I don’t watch porn, so I get horny too and i understand he does too but this just made me feel different and idk how the hell to talk to him without making it into a huge issue. But it bothered me so much! I can’t get over it.

Part 1 // Part 2
I paced my bedroom floor wondering what I should do next. I’d already placed the leg back in the gun safe, then searched the entirety of my house looking for something Christian to place on top of it. It seemed to work in the movies and I didn’t really have any idea what else to do. I couldn’t find my bag of religious paraphernalia, so I ended up fashioning a small crucifix out of two large carrots and hot glue with a little Jesus made out of raisins.
I needed a plan! I was thinking about who might know more information about the artifact I’d come into possession of, then it hit me – all of my competitors!
Surely not all of them were fakes like me!
One by one, I called them up and set up meetings for that afternoon – staggered appointments of course.
The first one to show up was a woman named Destiny. I sent her home immediately after she tracked dog shit into my house from the bottom of her shoes. I will not work with someone who is not only rude but completely oblivious.
The second one was a guy named Tiger, which I thought was a badass name and he was a pretty cool guy. Too bad he failed every test I threw at him. I sent him home, but kept his number in case I wanted to try to connect with him sometime to hangout.
The third psychic was a total nutcase named Psycho Jimmy. I’m honestly not even sure if he was a medium or if google search just lumped the words ‘Psychic’ and ‘Psycho’ into the same page due to a lack of results.
He didn’t say a word to me the entire time. He came into my house, drank a glass of water, walked a lap around the living room, stared directly into my eyes, unblinking, for a solid thirty seconds, then simply left. Total fucking psycho indeed. And yes, I did upgrade my security system shortly after meeting him.
Out of options I reluctantly called Destiny back, even if she did smell like dog poop.
To my surprise, she didn’t smell like shit when she showed back up to my house. She explained to me that it wasn’t her that smelled but it was, in fact, the ghost of her dead dog, Hercules, that followed her around. She further explained that last winter, her dog passed away peacefully in his sleep. She was distraught, but thought it would be in bad taste to leave a dead dog lying on her living room floor, so she loaded the carcass up into a cardboard box along with his favorite blanket and a few toys. Then she sealed the top of the box with packing tape so animals couldn’t get in, and left the box out on her front porch where the cold December weather would keep him fresh for a day until she could gather herself long enough to make arrangements.
Porch pirates showed up not an hour later and stole the box off of her porch thinking they just scored a nice heavy Amazon delivery. I can’t imagine how they must have felt to open it up and find a dead dog.
Now Hercules walks the Earth as a ghost, unable to rest until he has his revenge against those that stole his bones away from his loving mother.
“Uh, okay, that’s…” I had no idea what to say in response to hearing such an insane story, “Well, can you have Hercules stay outside please?”
“Yeah, no problem,” She replied before bending at the waist to pet an invisible dog and whisper loving comments into its ears before following me into my kitchen.
“So how do I know you’re legit?” Was the first question I asked her when we were both seated at the table.
“Because I can see the ghost that is standing in your bedroom door,” She replied calmly.
I spun around in my chair towards my bedroom door just in time to watch it violently slam itself shut.
“You’re hired!”
I re-capped the entire situation to Destiny, who asked to see the leg.
She recoiled as soon as I placed it on the table in front of her, “You didn’t tell me it’s upholstered in human flesh” she said, “Pretty big detail to leave out”
“It is?” I asked.
She pointed to a pinkish brown blemish on the leather that covered the back thigh of the leg, “There is literally a nipple on it”
Closer inspection showed that she was right. The leg did indeed have a nipple on it.
“And here is a tattoo,” she said pointing at a heart shaped blemish. If you looked closely, you could just barely make out the words, “Mommy’s Home”. “Look I don’t know what this leg is, but I know a professor at my old college who might know,” Destiny said, she couldn’t take her eyes off of the nipple. “He specializes in ancient pagan literature and has several books bound with human skin in his collection. If anyone knows anything about this, it has to be him.”
With no other avenues to go down, I agreed a talk with this professor would be a good place to start.
Destiny left my house promising to call me tomorrow to let me know if her old professor had replied to her request to meet. Once again, I was alone with the leg.
Looking at the leg filled me with a strange sort of terror that I hadn’t felt since I was kid. The kind of helplessness you would feel as a child when you lost your mom in the mall, or when you were so sure that the shadow in the corner of your bedroom was a monster lying in wait until the moment you cross from wakefulness into sleep.
I brought the leg back to the gun safe and locked it away before leaving my house for the day. I didn’t have much in the way of errands, but I didn’t even want to be in the same building as the leg.
I wasted the day trying to get my mind off the absolute shit storm of a week I’d had so far. Ghosts, monsters, demons and God knows what else is real. How is someone supposed to just accept that and move forward with their lives? What else might be out there? Is God real? If so, that might be the scariest thing of all.
I went to the movies, but couldn’t pay attention. I went to my favorite restaurant, but didn’t have an appetite. I tried to go go-karting, but couldn’t get over how strange it was to go go-karting by myself. I spent the entire day thinking about how my inbox was full of things I’d thought were fake but now would never fully get over.
Eventually the sun fell and I found myself standing on my front porch trying to come up with any excuse to go and spend money on a hotel room. I almost did, but realized I was too broke to get one even if I wanted to.
A creeping dread wormed its way up my back as I walked through the dark house flipping lights on as went. I checked each room to make sure nothing had moved the positions I had left them in that morning. Looking back, I’m not sure if at that point I was more afraid of a ghost or demon or Psycho Jimmy in my house. Everything seemed to check out.
Feeling slightly better, but still a bit anxious I went to bed.
I woke up in total darkness, in the early morning. I could hear the wind in the trees. I turned over to squint at my alarm clock when the sound of my bedroom door unlatching made my stomach drop. In a flash I shot up in bed and tried to flip on the lamp on my nightstand only to find the light bulb had been removed.
I grabbed my phone, turned on the flashlight and directed the light at the door. The door was, indeed, unlatched and cracked open just a sliver. I sat in total silence, watching the small black crack between the door and the door frame, my ears strained to pick up any noise other than the wind outside.
My jaw dropped as the door slowly creaked forward, opening itself just wide enough for a head to peek into the room, but no one was there, just the empty blackness of the dark hallway beyond. My hands shook as I stared at the doorway, hoping something would come through, anything – a monster, a zombie, Psycho Jimmy. Anything would be better than the dread of sitting there in anticipation, my imagination conjuring up the worst. My heart was pounding against my ribcage and my mouth went dry. I gripped my phone with two hands to try to steady the shaking, but still they trembled, sending shadows dancing across my bedroom walls.
Then the door closed, just as slowly as it had opened, the door pulled itself back into its frame and latched itself closed.
Realizing I had forgotten to breathe, I sucked in air like a dying fish. I licked my lips and loosened my grip on my phone but my hands were still trembling and I dropped it. The phone bounced off the corner of my nightstand, hit the carpeted floor and bounced again under my bed.
A whole new set of shadows filled the room as the bright, fluorescent white light of the iPhone flashlight emanated from under my dirty bed.
It might sound weird, but this was almost as bad as the door opening by itself. The loss of control was devastating in the moment and I lunged over the side of the bed and blindly flailed my arm around searching for the phone.
My thrashing arm sent a wholly new set of shadows dancing around my room pushing my pulse even higher.
I’d never regretted not cleaning my room harder. I was wildly grabbing things and flinging them out from under the bed as soon as I confirmed they weren’t a cell phone. Magazines, old electronics and a few rock-hard socks flew across the room as I shoveled them out from under the bed. I continued to grasp blindly when my hand came across something I didn’t immediately recognize. It was a mess of tangled stringy material that seemed to grab at my hand as I brushed past it. I gripped and tugged hard to bring it out onto my bedroom floor, but encountered resistance as whatever it was seemed to cling to its secret refuge under my bed. I reestablished my grip on the object and pulled again, harder this time. I engaged the muscles in my stomach and back and just as it seemed the object would never relent a loud POP! echoed through the room as the object came free in my hand.
Startled and thrown off balance, I fell off my bed and sprawled onto the carpet below with the object still in my hand. I looked down at it and my blood turned to ice as I realized I was holding a woman’s head, her face frozen in surprise, her mouth a wide ‘O”.
I dropped the head and scrambled backwards on my butt until my back hit the opposite wall. It was only then I realized it was the head of a sex doll I had ordered 4 years ago, but never used. (It was too weird. Maybe guys who like sex dolls, would also like fucking dead bodies. Not for me!). Her name was Cynthia. I had hidden her under my bed in shame shortly after bringing her home and had forgotten about her. It’s not like a life-size doll is something you can easily throw away without the neighbors asking questions.
I relaxed at that moment. A wave of relief and amusement washed over me and I made a vow to get rid of Cynthia that weekend. Even if that meant I had to cut her into pieces and dispose of her in separate trash bags thrown into separate dumpsters like some sort of mannequin serial killer.
I started to get back up on my feet when the shadows danced around the room again. I glanced toward the space under the bed and saw the light was moving. Something under my bed had control of my phone.
Blinded by the light which was now pointed directly at me, I squinted my eyes to try to make out what fresh new terror was about to befall me. Slowly a form came into shape. A contorted silhouette that writhed in the confined space. It banged against the bed frame above it as it tried to right itself. The light moved, left, right, up, down as the dark shape twisted violently, but it always pointed the light directly into my eyes without fail.
For a moment, the noises below the bed stopped and the light remained still. The only noises audible were my own breathing and the wind that continued to whip the trees outside. I used my hand to shield my eyes from the now stable point of light and the shape solidified into a new form. It was a person crouched low. A Headless person. It was Cynthia.
She began to slowly crawl towards me. My heart skipped a beat as fear paralyzed me for a half second. Cynthia moved closer, moving in a jerky, unnatural motion because I hadn’t opted for the RealGirl™ realistic joint package.
My heart skipped another beat as curiosity paralyzed me for another half a second. Would it really be so bad to let her get to me? What would she do? Fuck me to death? Then I remembered she had fully articulated hands and a skeleton made out of titanium which snapped me out of it pretty quickly.
Cynthia dragged herself along, now halfway out from under the bed, my cellphone in hand.
I leapt into action. I sprang to my feet, took a few steps towards her and kicked at her. Unfortunately, it was dark and I aimed where a head would have been had this been a real person, or a fully-functional sex doll, and broke a toe on my metal bed frame.
Cynthia grabbed for me, but I quickly took a step back and she narrowly missed, her silicone fingers just brushing the skin of my leg. I tried another kick and this time aimed for my cellphone. I connected and sent the phone sliding across the bedroom carpet where it collided with the wall with such force that it flipped itself over landing the flashlight side-down.
The room plunged into darkness with the exception of the small light of my iPhone lock screen. I needed to get to the phone before the lock screen went dark in about 10 seconds, otherwise I would probably never find it.
I made a dash for the phone, but Cynthia caught my ankle sending me crashing to the floor. I couldn’t look back. I needed that phone, that light. Even if it was only so I could see how I was going to die I needed it. Worst case scenario, if I decided I didn’t like what I was seeing, I could always just turn the light off.
Not even wasting the time to stand back up, I crawled for my phone. I could hear the joints in Cynthia’s arms and legs squeak as she emerged from the bed behind me and stood herself up. (When I ordered her, they said the squeaking would fade with use, but like I said, I never used her, I want to make that very clear!) Still, I didn’t look back, I crawled forward, not paying attention to the rug burn on my knees or the pain that radiated up my leg from my broken toe or the 6 foot (tall girls, call me!) murderous sex bot that was standing itself up a mere few feet behind me. I need that phone.
I slammed my hand on the phone just as the light from the home screen faded away and I turned and pointed the flashlight at Cynthia.
She stood tall on her two feet, wearing a tattered and dusty school girl outfit (I’m different now), one large pendulous breast hung outside of her brassiere.
I was done for. Toast. Stick a fork in me. I was lying on my back, looking up at a killer dominatrix with a titanium skeleton, no head and zero pain receptors. All she had to do was fall forward and she’d be on top of me, strangling me with her delicate, perfectly formed and articulated fingers. Maybe, if I was lucky, her other breast would fall out of her shirt in the fall – you know, at least give me something to look at as life drained from me. Fortunately for me, that isn’t what she did.
The killer doll took one-step towards me and faltered.
The thing about sex dolls is that they are mainly designed to sit in chairs, pose on all fours and do a lot of lying on their backs. No one buys a sex doll to have it stand around. That’s like buying a dildo to use as a Christmas tree ornament. Sure, maybe with a little practice and a couple hidden supports you could have it stand around your house like some sort of fucked up anime wax museum, but that’s just not what it is designed to do. Especially if you didn’t spring for the RealGirl™ realistic joint package. I honestly doubt a real human woman would be able to stand unassisted if you gave them the strange cartoony proportions most of these dolls have.
So, Cynthia took a step towards me, wobbled, top heavy. Tried to over-correct, then fell backwards onto my night stand and started squirming to get back on her feet.
I took the opportunity to run.
I got back to my feet and found the bedroom door. My hand hesitated on the knob for a millisecond as I considered what else there might be hiding behind this door, then I opened it anyway. I rushed out of my bedroom and sprinted down the hallway, hearing moans and clicking and growling from behind the doors of the bathroom and second bedroom as I rushed past. I came to the end of the hallway to the main living area and kitchen and turned to head towards the door when I took one last look down the dark hallway towards my bedroom.
Just barely visible through the darkness was Cynthia, crawling on all fours out of the bedroom. Her head was now re-attached but backwards so she faced the ceiling as she crawled forward, her nails making a click-clack sound as she crossed from the carpeted bedroom to the hardwood floor of the hallway.
I shuddered and made for the door.
My plan was to get in the car and drive away, but I left my car keys inside. Instead, I walked to Walmart, the one place on earth where you can walk around in boxers and a white t-shirt and no one bats an eye.
For the second time in 12 hours, I was trying to distract myself to take my mind off of the horrors the lifting of the veil had shown me and this time I was stuck in a Walmart - the epicenter of human horror.
It actually wasn’t too bad; I only had a few hours to kill before the sun came up. At that point, I’d head back to my place, get some clothes and catch up with Destiny to see if she had scheduled a meeting with her old professor yet. I supposed I’d be expecting a call from Pedro at some point as well, I did promise him an internship. I just hoped I could run faster than him.

First thread here:
https://www.reddit.com/Infidelity/comments/1ce6hhe/found_out_my_wife_has_been_cheating_on_me_for
I originally made this post an update to that thread, but not sure if anyone was really able to see it.
TLDR: Month and a half ago, found out wife was cheating on me. She recently stayed at a hotel with a (girl) friend of hers. I've never distrusted my wife or looked through her stuff but I found a Lovense sex toy I didnt know we had. We've been sleeping in separate beds for 2 years that started with the new dog growing to 150 lbs and me waking up with neck pain all the time. Checked her email to see where she might've gotten this sex toy, found Venmo receipts of a guy sending her money for the recent hotel and other times. Turns out she's been seeing this guy for like 2 years. She's gone on a weekend trip or two with her (girl) friends but it was really this asshole she went with.
Anyways, here is the latest update, maybe it was the adrenaline or something yesterday when I confronted her and told her I wanted a divorce, but today I am feeling much worse in general. I texted my immediate family this morning and told them we were getting a divorce but no other details yet.
Update 2 Sunday May 5 **Big update*\*

Past week has been kinda shitty. Bad allergies, congestion. Still feeling like im stuck in the movie Groundhog day, same shit everyday. Our water heater had been leaking a little out the bottom, then it started leaking a ton out the top so I had to shut it down. Pain in the ass not being able to take normal showers/go to in laws for a shower, especially for the kids. Some other annoyances going on too but since Friday, i've been dealing with headaches/migraines so I haven't taken any adderall. Not taking adderall really makes me feel even more useless. I did go to urgent care today (Sunday) and found out I have an ear infection and sinus infection so got some more meds.

I had planned on updating the thread to say yesterday (Saturday) I tried to rest for a few minutes and got berated by my wife as usual. Called named like "fucking trash", "bane of her existence", "useless", etc. Usually in these fights I just shut down or ask why shes yelling at me. I know arguing won't solve anything and I don't want to fight when the kids could possibly hear.

So last night (Sat). She's got an older iphone of hers she's been messing with. I've looked at it a few times because my finger print still works from years ago, not that the password 123456 was hard to try, but nothing had been updated on it. I think she mightve wanted to get it going again as a backup incase she needed to put youtube Kids on for our child that is autistic. She mentioned how it was too old to do too many apps on it yesterday I think, so I took another look last night and it appeared she fully logged into it so it was trying to sync up tons of shit. Decided to check again in the morning when she made a couple of runs (I already cant remember what for, my memory is so bad ugh). Oh also yesterday she said she was running to the weed store with one of her (girl) friends. Idk looks like they did but long story short I checked her friend's snapchat story and around the time my wife got back, her friend had put a snap on her story about being at work, so looks like wife was lying about who she went with again yesterday.

TODAY Sunday…. I checked the phone again to see it more updated. It didn't look like texts were syncing up, but photos were. I'm pretty sure from what I've seen investigating, she uses some app to hide private type photos. Anyways, I checked the regular hidden photos and its like 8 pics of this dude and his funny looking dick. A short video of him undressing, a screenshot of a snapchat showing boner in his pants telling her hes hard thinking about her. Checked recently deleted and see pic of her sucking his dick, and a few others of her boobs/mirror pics. Already cranky from not taking a shower and all the head congestion, this just made me livid, but I was trying to take pics from my phone as evidence and make sure my kids ate breakfast while wife was out for a few. Also there were a couple of pics of them together on whatever trip she was supposed to have been taking with her friends, so yeah that just extra confirms all the lying.

I tried laying down in our master bed after that because my head and ear were hurting. She came in after awhile to yell at me. She had mentioned seeing a therapist this past Thursday (something through our insurance she was able to do I guess). I think yesterday I had asked her how it went and she said they gave her depression medicine. So she comes in and is nagging me while I was laying down, and I'm going to miss a lot of details, but she basically said that the therapist was really worried about her because she is super depressed, unhappy with her marriage and having suicidal thoughts. I dunno I guess because I was pissed off already I decided to get up and go downstairs to my bed. She said something about me being a bad husband as I made my way out because she had just told me about having suicidal thoughts.

I layed downstairs for 20 minutes before she came down and said she cant do this anymore and doesn’t know what to do and maybe we should try a trial separation. Saying maybe we could take turns staying at the house 3 days at a time or something with the kids. I had enough of the BS and told her she should just pack her shit and leave. She said if she leaves shes not coming back (like she'd kill herself). Probably not the best response but I just kinda said OK which made her choke up and she asked if I was going to take care of the kids and I said yes. She started giving me more shit so I said I know she's been cheating on me for 2 years and the marriage is over and its her fault. Out of nowhere now she starts claiming we've been separated for 2 years. I told her no we haven't and mentioned again she's been lying and cheating for 2 years and I can't trust her anymore. She never really acknowledged what I said but said we've been separated for 2 years and it's my fault, and "when was the last time that we've had sex?" Up until a month ago I'd been trying all the time and always got told no…….. She said she doesn't want to get screwed over and that the house will probably get sold and I'd probably be paying her child support and stuff since I'd been the breadwinner. At some point I mentioned she could take the car and her dog and have the kids 50/50 and I'd take all the debt. She mentioned lawyers and I told her I didn’t want to screw her over and that we should try to talk to a mediator before wasting money on lawyers. If we sell the house, after paying all the debt off there probably won’t be any money left over and the kids won’t have the house anymore.

Yeah idk after this I mentioned that it was her fault and that she should tell her parents and everyone why the marriage failed. She said she wasn't going to let me drag her name through the mud.. Not really my intention but I mean it’s the truth. She's been having an affair for atleast 2 years and lying about it.

She also said if I gave her money for a trailer or something she could move out if I supported her while she went to school/found a job. She mentioned finding a therapist for the kids. Hadn't really planned on confronting her today. Been figuring out a new water heater and havent spoken to any lawyers or anything yet.


After all that, later she wanted to talk in a room away from the kids again, she said we could go talk to a counselor tomorrow about our separation. She said she doesn’t know what to do and doesn’t know how to fix this. I told her no, theres no fixing this and im done, it's not my fault the marriage failed. She said she feels horrible and hates herself. She kept blaming it on depression and was saying again how we've been separated for 2 years. I keep telling her no wtf we havent been separated and she shouldve though about this 2 years ago before she ruined our marriage and everything for the kids. She mentioned how she/kids had almost died giving birth for some reason and I was like Yeah, we've been through a lot together, I can't believe you would do this. She also mentioned that it could be bad for our autistic child to divorce (not sure, I had wondered about this too). I told her she shouldve thought about that before she lied and cheated. She said I could go find someone else and we could be in a loveless marriage. I was like wtf no, I am not going to do that.

Again a little bit later she mentioned we have an appointment to talk to a counselor tomorrow at 10am. I told her I don’t care and im not going to talk to a counselor. She said it would be so we could figure out how to tell the kids. Yeah idk I don’t feel like to talking to a marriage counselor.


I thought that would be the end of but I havent been able to finish typing this up. She's seen me a few times on my laptop as im trying to type this and asked what I was doing. I guess she thinks im up to something. I'm not really sure what to say, she said she'll tell her family tomorrow. I keep telling her to tell them WHY. She said she would tell her parents why. She keeps insisting I don’t tell my family the WHY because she's afraid they'll gossip in front of the kids. (My mom does gossip and stuff sometimes, sure). She did eventually say sure she deserves it but to not tell them the WHY because she's so afraid of the kids finding out.

I'm bad at explaining convo's I've had. Later she said we should sell the house since I'd have to buy her out of her half to keep it. I told her she should let me keep the house since she wrecked the marriage. She seemed to say Okay to that at one point. I don’t know things seem different everytime she comes to talk to me. Now she said she's going to look at a couple apartments tomorrow but that I'd have to cosign since she doesn’t have any income. I told her her parents could and that she should just move back in with her parents while she finds a job. She also came to talk to me most recently and said I can keep the house and everything but that she is going to get child support and that that could be a lot. She even mentioned maybe she could get the max child support since its pretax and give me back some. Wtf. I've never said I wouldn’t support the kids or anything.

I know someone asked at one point about the house. All the equity in it is mine from selling my first house and buying this one. Then we got married. The last time I refinanced I did get her name on it, not that any of that really matters. We're married so she automatically gets half and she birthed 3 kids so I cant exactly say she deserves nothing. If I said any of that out loud it would just make me look like an asshole saying she doesn’t get half the house.


So that’s where I'm at now. I don’t know how to proceed so I don’t fuck myself over. Should I try to get her to move out? Don't know how I'm going to pay for that really. I think she needs to try to move back in with her parents. House is probably worth 5-550k, owe about 290k on it, probably in another 170k debt that has been racked up. Anyway to edit my post when I do these updates and NOT have it try to delete everything that was already there?
5-3 Monday (Today as of posting this)
Some replies would probably help my mental state/help me make sense of things. Since our hot water heater is still broke, she is going to her parents to take one and I believe tell them about the divorce. I told her yesterday she should tell them WHY we are getting divorced, not sure if she will or not.
I texted my immediate family to just say I told her i want a divorce. I havent told them WHY yet. They all said they were there to support me, Brother invited me over for dinner but not sure how I will even do that. I usually feel trapped here as we have 3 toddlers/young kids to get fed and to bed. My wife usually complains if I am not helping enough with that.
Working from home today, so im trying to focus on that but not sure how much i'll be able to get done. Wife asked for the names of the two mediators I found. I kinda feel like i'm going to get screwed. I know we're married and shes entitled to half, but it just really feels shitty that she had an affair for 2 years behind my back and now probably expects half of everything. Last night she did say I could keep the house but that she wasnt budging on child support. Of course I would do whatever to support my kids, but I had mentioned to her it might be fair if I take on all the debt in leu of her getting child support taken out of my paychecks. I dunno whats fair and what I can do to make sure my kids are in a good spot. At least last night she seemed insistent on moving into her own place and not her parents. Not sure if what today will bring, I know as my parents divorce went on, my mom had people telling her to demand more and more and it spiraled into a nasty divorce. Will I get screwed by a mediator? Should I try to work out terms with her without a mediator?

I am attempting this year to review as I go along rather than a big post at the end. So here are the first 5, I am not sure I have got off to a promising start, most of them have been somewhere between "Just ok" and "why am I reading this...
Bards: The Harp Of Kings - Juliet Marillier (Hard Mode)
The story follows three young adults as they commence their training at Swan Island, (a society who trains warriors and spies) and join a mission to retrieve the Harp of Kings from whoever has stolen it and return it in time for the coronation. The story is split between their three perspectives as they play their new roles and try and uncover the location of the Harp, and uncover the secrets of the Court and its surroundings.
This is the fourth Juliet Marillier book I have read, (I read Blackthorne and Grim last Bingo), it’s a fairly slow start and the pacing at times feels quite off, that being said it does reach a fairly satisfying, if not predictable conclusion.
My biggest issues with this is that for some reason (and despite Blackthorne in the previous series being written as a strong independent woman) there is so much blatant misogyny. It feels really out of place, particularly as at Swan Island women can be trained to join the ranks. Now some of this is because one of the three is very sexist at the start and as time goes on he does work on this, but a lot of it is internalised in the female character, and even when he does start to change, his acceptance of her is still very much caveated because she is a girl and because he starts to fancy her…. It just rubbed me completely the wrong way and felt totally unnecessary.
My Rating 3/5
Warnings: animal cruelty (and death), attempted rape, bullying, sexism, child abuse,
Could also fit: - Eldridge Creatures [HM], First in a Series, Multiple POV
(NB- Free on Audible)
Space Opera: The Mimicking of Known Successes - Malka Ann Older
Earth is no longer habitable and so Humans have in a feat of engineering genius managed to colonise Jupiter, whilst efforts are made to return Earth to a habitual state. A man goes missing and we follow the inspector (and her former girlfriends) search to uncover what happened.
I am not sure how I feel about this one. On the one hand, I absolutely adored the setting, the idea of a book set on Jupiter with a lot of steam punk influences is phenomenal. I think I’d maybe like a different story within this world. As for the story itself, I am not sure I was too invested. I wasn’t especially fussed by the romantic sub plot, and to be honest I didn’t really care about the investigation. I kept reading because the setting was so cool….
My Rating 3/5
Coziness: 7/10 – its kind of like Ms Marple on Jupiter – nothing intrinsically uncozy happens, the characters have some stakes during the investigation but they are in limited direct risk.
Romance: 4/10 – fell entirely flat for me but I have seen lots of people raving about it, perhaps my tolerance for getting back with an ex is just much lower!
Spice: 0/10
Warnings: Death, Environmental catastrophe
Could also fit: - First in a Series, Judge a Book By It's Cover, Book Club Read along
(NB- Free on Audible)
Author of Colour: The Weavers of Alamaxa
This is the second and final instalment of this Egyptian feminist duology. We pick up where we left off at the end of the first book, the world is on fire, but some of these women can control it. With countries at war, a population terrified of those who can weave and unwilling to use them to save their country, courageous women continue to fight for the freedom of all women and show just how resilient woman can be.
I loved the first book which I read for last years Elemental Magic square, and was excited that this one was coming out so soon after I read the first. I thoroughly enjoyed this book and felt it brought the duology to a satisfying conclusion. I am really excited to see what Hadeer does next. I have a couple of gripes:there were a few deaths that I feel were “for the sake of killing your darlings” in this book, there were deaths in the first but I honestly felt that they were necessary, a lot of the deaths in this book are just like boom dead and the emotional pay off isn’t quite there
My Rating 4/5
Coziness: 0/10
Romance: 3/10 it is a very minor subplot that isn’t really explored at all
Spice: 0/10
Warnings: Death of a spouse, war, death of innocent civilians, kidnap, forced injections, casual sexism
Could also fit: - Criminals, Published in 2024, Survival[HM], Reference Materials
Judge a book by its cover: The Emperor and the Endless Palace (Justinian Huang) [HM]
Well, I think this is the definition of why you shouldn’t judge a book by its cover… I saw the cover and thought oh that’s pretty, and dutifully did no other research before reading, oh dear.
The book follows characters in various points of history and their romantic liaisons, all of these characters are, there is no other word for it, horny. I cannot say I enjoyed this book, I don’t mind smut generally, quite happy to read about any configuration of peoples getting in on, but I find it frustrating when flowery euphemisms are used, look if you are already pounding someone’s pink plum on page 4, I think we are all old enough not to need to refer to a penis as “your influence”. I think the story takes a long time to get going and the reveal comes far too late in the story to make the twist interesting.
My Rating 1/5
Coziness: 0/10
Romance: 1/10 honestly, it isn’t in my view, romance, its sex, and lots and lots of it but as for feelings and connection, nah.
Spice: 8/10 – very very early on you have the pink plum scene, and honestly if you go more than 5 pages without someone’s lips encircling someone else’s influence then you have picked up the wrong book. That said, I don’t think the spice is very well written, I was far too busy rolling my eyes at the insane phrasing to actually find it spicy.
Warnings: Questionable sexual consent, drug use/
Could also fit: - Published in 2024 [HM], Author of Colour [HM], Romantasy (if smuttiness counts there!) [HM], Multiple POV, Alliterative Title
Five Short Stories
So, every year I find this square a chore. I struggle with short fiction, I love a really immersive world, ideally the longer the better as part of a longer series is my jam, I think I struggle to give up characters, I like being able to pick up the next books and continuing to hang out with my literary mates. It is usually the last square I read and I begrudge having to do it. Part of this also stems from short fiction being less likely to be audiobooks, I get virtually all my reading done in the car commuting to work or around the house whilst I get on with other life tasks. I have to read a lot for my job and so if I am physically reading, I am taking notes, which has rather taken the fun out of physically reading.
BUT I have discovered that if I read a short story on a website (I have been through the Uncanny back issues for this square) you can ask your iPhone to read it aloud to you. Yes, it is in the rather unnatural Siri voice, but you know what – it works and has made this square far more enjoyable than I have found it in other years. I have also managed to tick it off third, and I am prioritising it as something I want to try and find joy in doing rather than questioning if I should sub it out!
A) How to Raise a Kraken in Your Bathtub (P. DJÈLÍ CLARK) [Uncanny Magazine Issue 50]
A businessman who wants to be a man of ambition, reads an advert in the paper that would allow him to buy a Kraken egg to raise in his bathtub, chaos and a city on the verge of destruction ensues. I thoroughly enjoyed this story, I probably could have done with a little less “woman stay out of my business for I am husband and man and therefore what I say goes” but given the time period the story is set I can forgive it, and the POV character is designed to be unlikeable! 4/5
B) The Rose MacGregor Drinking and Admiration Society (T. Kingfisher) [Uncanny Magazine Issue 25]
A group of young fae men and other creatures sit around a campfire telling stories of their encounters with Rose MacGregor, a rather infamous woman who was a lover to each of them in their youth. The woman drove these young men almost mad and they tell the story of the impact of this woman on their youth. I liked this far less than T. Kingfisher’s other work, its quite a departure from her usual prose and story telling. It was fine… 2.5/5
C) Do Houses Dream of Scraping the Sky? (Jana Bianchi) [Uncanny Magazine Issue 56]
A recently bereaved granddaughter goes to the home her grandparents shared before their death to clear their belongings, she comes to learn that it isn’t just her grieving but the house grieving for its occupants of so many years. This is a really beautiful story that brought me to tears. It probably wasn’t the best time for me to read it (having just lost my Grandfather) and thinking about how hard it was going to be to see the house being lived in by a new family when I drive past it, but I think it gave me some perspective that a new family will live there and joy and laughter will be present there again and in a way that is quite comforting. 4/5
D) A Recipe for Hope and Honeycake (Jordan Taylor) [Uncanny Magazine Issue 56]
A sweet story which follows a Fae, somewhat untrusted by the village he has made his home. When fever comes Bramblewilde must ask himself, should I help, even though they wouldn’t help me? I enjoyed this story, nothing much happened and I think it was a fairly predictable story, but it was sweet and made me want cake. 3.5/5
E) The Year Without Sunshine (Naomi Kritzer) [Uncanny Magazine Issue 55]
So, apparently cozy dystopian stories exist, and I am here for them! When the sun stops shining neighbours who barely knew one another come together in a struggle to survive and ensure that everyone in their community has what they need. I really enjoyed this story, I particularly loved the inclusion of a character with a chronic illness, and those who needed medication being considered and at times prioritised, which is all too different from what I’d have expected. As someone who has a chronic illness and needs refrigerated medication, I am pretty clear I would need to be left for dead in an apocalypse so it was nice to see an alternative where my neighbours might come together to keep me alive. 5/5

i (21F) am talking to this guy (26M) we met on a dating app and switched over to text message (iphone to samsung) after i decided i was done with dating apps but was interested in him enough to give him my number. the first time we hung out was amazing the vibe was on 100 he even said it himself. we hung out plenty of times after that and we did have sex once but now its mostly just me giving him head. he wants to give me head as well but im not sure I’ll like it and im insecure about that so i just tell him no.
he hasnt asked for any of my socials and his reply game is soooo shit (the iphone to samsung makes its 100x worse i swear) we dont ft (obvi) or talk on the phone. he’s reassured me that he is interested in me more than physically but I just feel like he isn’t putting in any effort to support that and if im not at the very least getting good sex outta this whats the point yk🤣 i just assume he isnt as interested in me as he says he is even though he claims to think about me constantly.
i also dont want to ask the “what are we” or “what are you looking for” cause i dont want him to feel like im pressuring him into something and if he just wants to “go with the flow” i rather just stop talking to him all together cause that seems like a waste of a time.
so should i keep pursuing him (maybe ask him for his socials, try calling him see if answers, ask him the forbidden question🤣 yk really make an effort) or should i just take the hint and keep it pushing?

My wife 28F cheated on me 30M.
We been together since 2016/17. Married in 2018.
We moved to Ft Lauderdale, FL because she got a GM position at a restaurant. She would work from Wed-Sun 11am-11pm /12am. After about 2 months she started coming back to our hotel room later and later, either from 2am-5am claiming she “goes to sleep in the car at her job’s parking deck”, and she also started “working” on her days off Monday and Tuesday, sometimes half days.
As she kept coming back later and later I got suspicious. I asked her what was going on multiple times and asked if she could communicate more, and this bitch told me she was just focused on her career, our kids which she called “her kids”, and she wasn’t having sex…I said “what are you talking about?” In my head I’m thinking “where the fuck did I ask about any of that???.” Anyway that happened about 3-4 times of me trying to communicate more, give her a chance to say what’s been going on, but she just lies or blows up on me for saying anything.
To cut to the chase she had an old phone from like 3 months ago that was still getting iMessages that was coming to her new iPhone and I was watching it everyday at that point. She would tell one of her girl friends about the dates she was going on with this guy, how she can’t wait to sleep with him, how he’s shy and he’s not going to initiate it, and she gon put her pussy on him, how “it got steamy” one night because they kinda did it because he “put it in”, and then not many days later “she got piped down last night” and she “died in his arms”………I dropped to the floor bruh I couldn’t believe what I was reading…
So I left her 2 days later after finding that out. I hopped on a plane and went back home and she had no clue I knew she was cheating on me. If I didn’t take the flight I would be in jail right now. Now she had no clue I knew she was cheating until about a week after that. I used my special investigator skillls and some intuition. I did some digging I find out his number, his name, how old he his, what school he went to, and his Facebook, and only til recently I found out she worked with him because of of a schedule she made for the employees and his name was on it!!! ……..this dude is 19 years old and the busboy at the restaurant she works for……the general manager fucking the busboy smfh……oh he was bussin alright he’s lucky I didn’t bust his fucking head open. He probably didn’t even know she was married or had kids honestly. About a week after leaving her I FaceTime’d the guy’s number at 2am because for some reason I knew they were together, I called his phone, the call ended within seconds, immediately she calls my phone asking “what are you doing?” I said “no what are you doing” and hung up and called his number about 5 times whiles she calling my phone, I call her phone end it then call his number AND SHE PICKS UP HIS PHONE LIKE A STUPID BITCH, caught your dumbass. I laid her out on the phone. She says “she’s fucked up” and “sorry blah blah blah” and then days later tries blame me for what she did…divorce coming soon. She’s blocked, I never want to see/hear from her again, nothing. We have 4 kids together and she barely talks to them and she hardly talked to them while we were all in Florida. She rather go out with some little dude than to be with her family. Fuck her. I hope god works his magic. I never hated anyone until now.