Funny happy birthday sister poems

I am 16 years old. Throughout my early childhood, my parents did nothing but physically/verbally abuse me and emotionally neglect me. They never did anything with me, never let me hang see friends outside of school, and pretty much made sure that i’m alive. My older sister would bully me every day about every aspect of myself, even down to the stupidest shit like the month my birthday is in. She is the reason for almost all of my insecurities
I have a huge love for music. I started playing guitar about two years ago, and at first it was a good escape, but it’s seeming like it’s done more harm than good to me. I’ve had a couple of shitty friends in the past who would make fun of me (either to my face or behind my back) about my appearance and musical abilities. I picked this thing up 2 fucking years ago. Obviously i’m not gonna be Jimmi Hendrix. I still try to play regularly, but it’s so hard for me to keep motivation for more than a couple of minutes and not give up.
Every time things finally start to look up for me, it gets ruined by either something or someone. I’ve tried to make myself feel better by working out, journaling, and going on really long walks. Nothing works. Nothing matters because the moment i step back in my room, i’m met with the fact that this is my reality and this is who i am which causes my thoughts to spiral down every single night. The smallest inconveniences end up ruining my day. I cant look at myself in the mirror without feeling disgusted at the creature thats staring back at me. I’ve even made new friends who genuinely care and support me, but for some reason it’s not enough.
My parents don’t abuse me anymore and my sister stopped bullying me, but i have 0 relationship with them and everyone else in my family. I don’t talk to anyone besides a couple surface level interactions, but it doesn’t matter because the damage is already done. I feel like I’ll never be a real person or accomplish anything in my life. I want to run away but i know i’m just gonna get caught. Suicide feels like the only way out. Why does this have to be my life? Why is this who I have to be? Why can’t i just enjoy my life as a teenager? Fuck those guys. Fuck my family. Fuck my life.

Do not write it to them, write it to yourself. You can start in these comments. Make pages in your notebook or note app to get each expression out. I recomend notebook to disconect from your phone. At least for 5 minutes or even more each day. Write down everything.

• The questions
• The sadness
• The try for closure
• The Happy Birthday wish
• The lust
• The rage
• The regret
• The apology
• The begging
• The hopes
• The "last Word"
• The I miss you

If you have to write 100 messages in each category, do it. Each time give yourself a little reward for writing them for yourself. You're taking back the power and I believe in you.

[Just a quick note here but I would like to say that I'm not going to go into details about Natsumi and the plot point that concerns her because I think arc 7 is just her introduction and that there's way more things to this persona then just what arc 7 showed, this post is very long too so please be aware]
First I would say that this plot point is very dear to me for many reasons, but the most important Point is that for me it dealt with a problem I always wanted to see which is Subaru obsession of having the choice of RBD and how to use it, from the moment arc 4 finished and until now Subaru was always struggling with chosing the best way to RBD, in arc 5 he reached the conclusion that he shall use it to save his friends but focus on other ways to save the situation so he won't depends on it, arc 6 was Subaru using the power to reach what he believes to be the real Natsuki Subaru
And in arc 7&8 he was dealing with the guilt of not using RBD to save people in the previous arcs and the current ones, showing that just because Subaru didn't RBD in those previous arcs it doesn't mean that he didn't want too or that he didn't feel bad about it, however the arc also showed a very big flaw of Subaru that he carries on since arc 4 and until now, which is that Subaru always blames himself for every situation that goes wrong
Even when he is not in control Subaru STILL insists that he is and that the only reason why he couldn't save the people in the shelter in arc 5 for example is that he didn't do it, in arc 6 Subaru blamed himself for Ram taking the burden and fighting until she got severely wounded, he didn't accept it was her decision, at they ending of arc 6 Subaru blamed himself for Shaula death saying it was his fault because he came to the twoer until juluis shut him down and told him to be respectful for shaula wishes
In arc 7&8 this becomes more obvious to the point Subaru becomes really frustrating (which I like) he doesn't RBD when someone already dies due to their own decisions BUT he doesn't let go either and use this as an excuse to blame himself feeding on the fact that if he RBD he would have changed the situation, as if his feeding on this dulusion that if he died and RBD everything will be okay and the only one to blame is not those who did the kill no, it's his fault because he didn't stop it
After the "you are not a hero" chapter which was in amazing call for arc 6 because it was testing Subaru new determation of " you are in amazing guy Natsuki Subaru" by literally making the person who gave him this determation rejecting him completely Subaru was lost, he can't move on now because the mirror he used to see himself through is no longer here BUT he can't go back because Rem wasn't the only reason why Subaru reached this conclusion and now he genuinely understand his achievement and how great they were
he can never go back from this but now he can't move forward either which left him in a critical vulnerable state making him clinch into Natsumi as a piller of strength, which lead to Vincent looking down on him because Subaru reason of using this mask is emotional and to hide his weakness rather than solving them and this is the principal of weakness in the vollachian empire ( this is not the first time someone see right through Subaru like this, ironically enough Vincent sister Priscilla was the first to do that in arc 3 and just like what happened in arc 7 Subaru ignored Priscila completely there as well )
Unlike Natsumi, Subaru shotification was a very unfortunate and unexpected turn of events for Subaru, we all saw how frustrated Subaru was when Todd was haunting him down and how not even RBD was enough to control the situation and get him out of it, the RBD was useless here shocking Subaru to his core not just because Subaru most useful power RBD becomes useless but also because situations like these when Subaru is incapable of getting the upper hand DESPITE using RBD is what terrefy him the most
(It's a quick note here but this is a going fact about Subaru, in the recent Q&A for the 10th anniversary of re zero the author said that Subaru Just like Rosewaal likes to be in control of how people perceive him and intentionally makes people annoyed with him or very confused with his speech pattern, it's also the reason why Subaru is weak to effection, he is not used to it and doesn't know how to handle it)
So unlike the normal situation when Subaru is capable of using every single death efficiently or when his wearing the mask of being the perfectly confident Natsumi, just like how his death against Todd was out of his control shotabaru was the same and he was Subaru's weakest form....it was supposed to be his weakest form
Let's go back again to Chicha and olbart discussion a little, it was the conversation that made chicha understand how this ability works and re-create it to use it on cecilus, but it's not just that, olbart said that there's people who won't be effected because the core of their personality didnt change since childhood, example being Meduim and Cecilus, then we have the ones who the ability were created for, the ones who got weaker physically and emotionally and no longer capable of using their power the example for this is Al, and then we have cases, a very special cases that it not known how it exactly work for them but..they become more dangerous, way more dangerous then their adult form
Think about what limit RBD as a power, Reinhart the strongest has his moral code and the believe that his family will be okay if the kingdom is okay, there's definitely more to this but this is the only known information so far, for Subaru it's the same as well, some think that it's Subaru moral code that hold him back ,but to be honest I think that his moral code is as good as him keeping his promises...which is not something his that good at
If Rem and Emilia were in danger he would fight back and even kill if it was necessary, like when he put a death trap to kill Todd and his soldiers after knowing what they would do to Rem, when it comes to his close friends it's not really that hard to give up on many of his own rules, what hold Subaru back is his fear of death... Subaru is terrified of death, he doesn't believe that death is a good thing at all except when it happens when you are old and full of wrinkles, otherwise death is always a tragedy
After arc 4 and finally Subaru admitting his real feelings which is that he is terrefied of death, Subaru was very obviously scared of his ability and scared of returning back to his arc 4 mindset, it's not just death as a concept but rather RBD as a whole is what terrefy Subaru, the random chack points that keeps changing without a note, the pain that comes when his soul possess his body again, the fear that it's just too late and that if it was too late...then it's too late, and there's nothing Subaru can do to change that, he becomes a hopeless human being and face what every single person face in this world, an unbearable unchangeable lose that nothing could overturn, and Subaru said it himself in arc 7, RBD manifested because of his upnormal fear of lose
Despite everything I mentioned our MC continued to blame himself for other people's choices, in his dialogue you would always read his thoughts that go like
" They don't understand but I can change the situation"
Which is true, but here's the point he doesn't change it, so he doesn't let himself use his power to stop this self loathing due to his fear ( I explained what I meant with this up there) nor does he accept the lose and just move on, his obsession with perfect ends was always there but his fear was what stopped him from going all in, so imagine if what will happen if I removed this from him, made him incapable of thinking of such a complicated thought and rather turn him into something that doesn't understand these big complicated concept, remove the only thing that hold Natsuki Subaru back and see what kind of monster he will become
Through his shotification Subaru speech pattern was written in hiragana and katakana without kanji in the text to show how childish he has become, it also shows how his memories are kind of vague, he does remember some things and after the 10 second of hell Subaru was forced to somewhat catch up to his original self, but the full details and all are not that obvious, this vagueness is exactly why he was so dangerous as well
As a child I think all of you noticed that after chapter 75 you don't feel that much tension with shotbaru, the more you see of him the more you get...assured that nothing bad will happen, you are not afraid that someone will die nor are you worried that they will fail to save vollachia, heck you don't even see RBD or actually feel any of the normal tention that comes with the ability while you are reading, shotabaru makes everything easier...he make them easier for Subaru as well and the more shotabaru dies Subaru becomes more and more in control so much sonit becomes very hard to different them at some point
While the whole thing started as in out of control situation first, I have no doubts that it becomes something that our Subaru took advantage of, he notices how shotbaru has no real understanding of trauma, it's more like a painful unconvinet event to him but that's it, he theorized that it might blow up in his face later on but he was fine with this, he also noticed that his mindset has reset to his younger years when he was a prodigy, the Subaru from that time was obsessed with being his father son, this obsession continue for YEARS, because it took years for Subaru child self who believed that everything is possible with enough hard work to die, now imagine that desperate child with Subaru crazy idoligy and RBD and well, this is the formula for in utter disaster
It was a convinet situation for Subaru because it made him reached his desire BUT it wasn't something he desired to be because he still wanted to stand alongside Emilia as a knight and because this was still Subaru after all, and I think that Subaru hypocrisy and everything that I mentioned before in this post came together in the moment Subaru rejected to return back to normal despite him having few chances to do so
While the situation was unfortunate at first but this excuse to defend Subaru fall down in the moment he had the chance to return to his adult self but he willingly choose not too, he has the chance to ask olbart for help and Vincent will aid him, but he refuses saying it was for the pleadise but we all know that in chapter 75 this assumption was rejected, and even then Subaru returning back to normal should be for the best, isn't Subaru killing himself anyway because "it's for the best" as he put it? Wouldn't it be better to risk the possibility of one loop to see the outcome of this? Yet Subaru didn't do it, he could have do it after they left to the capital away from pleadise but he also refuses, and finally in arc 8 chapter 74 Subaru was seemingly knowledgeable about a way to return back to normal after using glouutiny yet he still didn't use it... it's because Subaru not shotabaru is the one behind this madness, and because he has decided that him retuning back to normal in this current time won't be beneficial, but since he can't explain exactly why he hide behind the lie that it's all for the plan, when in reality it was just him hiding behind this mask of invisibility that was forced on him but he crafted it to fit him eventually
Subaru knew for a fact that his adult self who has a full understanding of RBD won't really use this power to it's full potential, meaning that there's many tragedy that Subaru won't really stop from acuring, meaning that what hold Subaru back from the future that he always desired will be back again, as a child Subaru could do this but his not so sure if this will continue as in adult, in the moment Subaru felt that the ending of the story is getting close and that sphinx death is right in front of his eyes ( basically when he finally precived his perfect ending that he always dreamed of ) that he gave up on shotabaru , throwing him away like some unwanted rug, with amnesia barue at least it was emotional scene of acceptance, with shotabaru it was more like a weight that he finally lift from his shoulders without even one second of a proper clouser, only to run for Emilia happy that he finally no longer in need to stay like this
What many receive as Subaru finally being free from shotabaru is for me showing Subaru absolute hypocrisy and how he was actually the one abusing his child self and not the opposite, despite having the chance of letting him go Subaru used him under the excuse that it's for the best, and while he use the pill to remind himself of how harsh death is Subaru didn't stop seeing RBD as a method or a tool to reach his goal, Subaru in arc 4 used RBD to self punchiment, while in arc 7&8 he use it to save everything and the hurt part is just a neccacry process, he never lost meaning of death due to this BUT he has lost his way with RBD
The fact that the author killed off Priscilla when Subaru returned back again to his original self is a really big slap on Subaru face ( and it's not the last ) because Subaru has give up on the excuse that made him act out of his usual self thinking he has already reached the perfect ending only for him to face the fact that Priscilla has died off screen even before the big battle happen, Because unlike shotabaru who immediately think about RBD when faced with the death of someone dear, Subaru... Subaru is not like this, many people forget this but in arc 5 when Subaru saw that Emilia might have died he immediately fall down to his kennes and didn't move, his first instinct wasn't to RBD no, it was him surunder to grieve that swallow him whole, that's why Subaru reaction for to Priscilla death and her disappearing into thin air right in front of his eyes wasn't to kill himself, because his mind was so messed up and distracted by in unbelievable event that made him genuinely stunned and incapable of even trying to solve the situation, right now the amount of death he endure throughout the arcs will be rushing to make his wound even more painful
Of course I don't believe Subaru will accept that soon, I think that the aftermath of Subaru hypocrisy and his choices in arc 7&8 that he uses to Sneak away from what he leaned before since arc 4 will be shown in the next arc, there's also a high chance Subaru might go back to this mindset of " if I didn't RBD I would never know whatever they were savable or not thus I can still make myself believe that they were" which will be a perfect call for that scene in gunhive when Subaru also refuses to RBD for the same exact reason
I don't doubt that at some point Subaru will overcome this but my fear is actually that Subaru might go through his phase of hating the world ( just like in the shadow garden) switching the blame from himself to the world itself as a way to cope because I doubt Subaru would let go of his fear and obsession with Saving that easily but whatever will happen i feel that the whole arc was setting Subaru up for starting the path of him accepting death and lose more

It's my birthday today! I grew up na laging isinasabay ang birthday celebration ko sa birthday ng older sister ko which is a day before mine. kaya nasanay na rin akong walang ganap every birthday ko. Nasa phase na ako ng buhay ko na family ko lang ang may alam na birthday ko kasi matagal na akong nag deac ng fb acc and yung account na ginagamit ko ngayon is dummy lang and walang friends so wala tlgang may alam other than fam. Ang lungkot ng adult life shet HAHHAHAHA sge na share niyo na, di pwedeng ako lang nasasaktan ngayon. Charot HAHHAHAHA (na medyo totoo)

For the past four years, for an entire week, a week before your birthday actually, I dream about you all 7 days. The same reoccurring dreams happen every year.
In my dreams, we are together and nothing is ever wrong. My dreams only ever depict what we could’ve been if we had just talked things out. Communication didn’t exist in your agenda though.
Last night, you appeared to me in my dream and you came back from abroad. You said that you needed me like air, that I was the object of all of your desires. That you always spent most of your time sleeping, because that was your only way of hoping to see me sooner rather than later. I woke up in a cold sweat realizing that of course, it wasn’t real..
I want to wish you a happy birthday tomorrow, but I don’t know if I’ll have the guts do it.
Why does it always have to me be, the one who reaches out first? Why do you never contact me first? I’m always the one to make the first move.
I want to know what goes on in your head. But of course, I’ll never know because I’ll never send this.

Doing it for the quirkless? Nope.
Heroes bad because yadda yadda corruption whatever? Doesn't matter, a good Villain needs a good Hero. Who cares what they do in their spare time?
Fix society in his own way? Nah.
Izuku is essentially comically evil. He is the guy who wakes up in the morning and goes "Yeah, I'm evil". At whatever point he wanted to start his villain career, his first villainous act is to sedate his mother and cut off all her limbs until she's just a head who can somehow still survive, and put her in the fridge with an ipad detailing his villainous deeds on the news.
He has no "standards", whatever those could be.
Overhaul is torturing some kid to make his bullets? BASED. How can I help?
That grape kid on TV latching onto some girl with a lecherous look on his face? Oooh, that has potential.
Moonfish and his cannibalism? Gross, not something he'd do himself, but pretty cool.
There are things he wouldn't personally do himself, like cannibalism, sexual crime, very icky torture like stabbing eyeballs with needles but he feels no disgust for the thought of the acts themselves, the "How can someone do this to another human being!?" that most normal people have.
Basically his only redeeming trait is the ability to play nice with others. He doesn't want to get backstabbed and so the thought is that the other guy doesn't either.
At some point, he gives shelter to Muscular after he killed the Water Hose Duo. They quickly got along like a house on fire, essentially a very cursed Yuji/Todo dynamic. At some point, they recruit Moonfish before the LoV can, and Izuku has a weird ability to be able to control Moonfish. Muscular finds himself being in the very peculiar position of being the "sane" one in the trio, between Midoriya experimenting with a new atrocity every now and then, like sewing 2 babies together into a soccer ball and getting Muscular to play with him and Moonfish's cannibalism.
Izuku is oddly cheery, and looks too happy, which contrasts with the vile acts he does. He doesn't try and be edgy, give grand speeches, nothing like that. He's quite similar to his canon self around season 4 to 5 in that regard, except a bit more confident. His favoured villain clothes are a shirt that has the kanji for "villain" written on it.
He gets an alliance with the LoV around canon. He likes Tomura initially, but as he starts to get a "righteous cause" going on, he loses interest.
He kill steals from Stain by killing Iida first.
He gets to Kota first and kicks him around before letting Muscular get the total family wipeout, a proud tear in his eye.
Ironically, his attempt to deliver a "You and I aren't so different, Mineta" to try and get him to become a villain results in Mineta getting a wake up call and slowly becoming a great Hero.
He doesn't exactly betray the Hassakai directly, but he slightly greases the wheels for the Heroes to rescue Eri. Why? To kidnap her from her sanctuary at UA and deliver her to his good friend Kyudai "War Crimes" Garaki as a birthday present of course!

Scriptbin
Note: This script is fine for the recorder to monetize and edit genders or other words. I will only ask for script credit, thank you!
() is for sound effects or actions
\Italics** are for emphasis/tone when speaking
... is for a pause, usually when it's the listener's turn to "reply" to a line.
Summary: You invite your rich best friend to a picnic. She is pretty reluctant at first, but after a moment bonding together, it convinces you to go out with her in an actual relationship.
Script Below:
(Speaker knocks on door)
Open up, it’s me.
(Listener opens door)
What was so important that you couldn’t go to my place? My hou- I mean, my mansion has everything you could possibly need. And don’t give me some silly excuse like your place is “homey” so you prefer it. I’ve heard it all before, and it never makes any sense.
…
You want to bond with me? As in, you’re finally asking me out after all this time? I was worried for some time that you wouldn’t, since most boys are completely head over heels for me. I’m glad you’ve finally succumbed to your urges. So do you have a love letter for me to read or did you already mail it?
…
That look of confusion on your face is quite romantic, too. Oh wait, you’re not confessing to me at all, you’re actually just confused. Forget what I said, then. What do you have me doing here?
…
\mocking laugh** Honestly, I think you’ve finally lost your mind. Why would I go on a picnic with you? That’s so… archaic.
…
Mhm, you’re very traditional. Good for you. But that doesn’t mean you have to rope me into it.
…
Because wealth means that I don’t need to be traditional. I can do whatever I want, however I want. I can take any approach I want and succeed.
…
Well, my approach to bonding would start with it being like… fun? Cooking isn’t fun. It’s some chore that people have been doing since the Stone Age. I prefer sleeping, or reading books, or playing games, or literally anything other than cooking. I believe it’s boring since I have a chef. You’ve met him. Five star meals all the time. Basically anything you can imagine, he can make.
…
Stop talking, you sound ridiculous. It’s food… What could possibly be fun about that? There’s not much to it aside from eating. Setting up a picnic doesn’t sound entertaining at all. It’s beneath me.
…
Getting my hands ‘dirty,’ as you say, is weird to even think about. If I cut my finger in an accident, then I have to begin a lawsuit with the knife manufacturer. I’d win, of course, since my family’s lawyers are always worked to the bone on cases, but it’d be such a hassle.
…
So what if cooking is a life skill? I’m rich, remember? Fine, look. I’ll try my best to assist you with this, but then we’re going to my place. Deal?
…
Good. Now, where do we start?
…
I don’t really know how to make sandwiches… You’re going to have to teach me.
…
It’s not funny, don’t laugh at me. I never learned how to make food. I never needed to learn. If my personal chef isn’t around, those are usually the days I ask to hang out with you. You’re like a pack of rations to me.
…
Wait, I didn’t mean that in a bad way. I meant like… you’re always there when I need you. You’re basically my go-to for anything I might have trouble with. Right now, for example, I’m having trouble making a sandwich, so you’re going to show me how to make one.
…
Okay, let me check the fridge. Hm? What kind of bread is this? This isn’t like the stuff I have at my house.
…
It’s… normal bread? If you say so. What else do we need? Lettuce, tomatoes, meat, and some cheese. Oh, are you going vegan, by the way? I could remove some stuff if you don’t want it. I think I saw some tofu back here.
…
Alright then, so here’s everything we need. It’s actually simpler than I thought to put this together.
…
Wait, can I slice the sandwich? I saw this cooking show in my personal theater the other day, and they always cut their sandwiches in half. It looked more presentable, you know?
…
No, I don’t just watch cooking shows because I’m jealous of their skills. They’re only a little interesting, that’s all. Like, have you ever watched Iron Chef and thought; “hey, this would be fun to make?” That’s how I feel sometimes. I know my chef would make it, but I don’t know, it feels better when you’ve gotten inspired from a show.
…
Hm? I’m not rambling. Not every word I say is nonsense, you should know that better than anyone.
…
Let’s finish up these sandwiches and put them in the picnic basket.
(Brief pause, listener is teaching speaker how to use a knife)
And here it is. Two decent sandwiches, evenly cut. Thanks for teaching me how to use a knife, by the way. I know I don’t say that often, but I really do appreciate your kindness. Sometimes I feel like I should say nicer things to you, but my pride gets in the way.
…
Just because I’m rich doesn’t mean I understand how people feel. I thought that was obvious when you first met me. I was such a moron. I don’t know why I thought I could tease you by flaunting my net worth. But, at least it’s in the past. I’m much more comfortable to be with you now.
…
Anyway, before this gets any more embarrassing for me to talk about, I’m going to put in some snacks and drinks. What else do you think we should add to this basket?
…
I haven’t had fruit salad in a while. Don’t make the whole thing without me though, I want to help.
…
Alright, making a picnic basket is a little fun, I’ll give you that. I thought it’d be far less interesting. I’m a bit impressed with how low-budget this can be, too. I can’t believe picnics can be this cheap to set up.
…
W-well yeah, I know not everything needs to be expensive. Duh. I’m just not used to it being… not expensive at the same time. That doesn’t make me spoiled, by the way. I simply haven’t gotten the time to be as cultured or whatever as you are. I think it’s because you’re really cute, so it helps me learn faster.
…
What’s wrong? I’m just telling you how I feel. I did say that I should start trying to say nicer things to you. You’re cute, so I ended up admitting it!
…
I don’t know why your cheeks are all red, but at least we’re done with the fruit salad. Is it alright if we go to the picnic spot? For once, I don’t feel like calling up my chauffeur. If it’s close, maybe we can walk together.
…
Oh, good, it’s just down the street. You’re carrying the basket, though. I can’t be seen touching such a thing in public.
…
Wait, hold on. Don’t be upset with me. I don’t want to cancel this picnic. I’ll carry it, alright? God…
(Brief pause, listener and speaker are walking)
Out of all the picnic baskets you could buy, why’d you pick this color? It’s so embarrassing. Did you see that old lady call me “princess” on the way here? I feel really awkward for once.
…
Shush. It wasn’t funny. It wasn’t “adorable” either. I feel like I lost some of my confidence.
…
That’s-that’s not a good thing! Please just help me set everything up on the picnic blanket instead of taunting me. Thank you.
…
So… are you happy now? You convinced me to actually hang out here with you. The scenery is a little romantic, and it’s at least up to my standards. \sigh** I’d love to get a boyfriend to see this kind of place with.
…
Mm, finding the right person is hard. They can’t be a complete idiot for starters. They need to be charming, and pretty, and a lot of other stuff. Rich girls like me have a lot of preferences. It'd be great if they were someone like you. It’s so annoying that you’re not into me, though. If you were, I’d be all over you, and this could be a date.
…
Of course I want you. I’d give up every bit of money I had just to be closer to you! What made you think I wasn’t in love? I know sometimes I can give off mixed signals, but I still was hoping that you’d be willing to… court me?
…
If this means you’d give me a chance, then yes. I promise to be a bit more humble from now on. That means more picnic dates like this, right? Or that one time you wanted to go to the museum with me but I declined. I’m up for things like that now. I might like them as much as I enjoyed being out here today.
…
Now, can we go to my mansion? There’s this new film we got for the theater that I’d really love for you to watch with me…

For context, she’s kind of a close friend (we have a long history, but have drifted apart over the years), and she kind of knows of my boyfriend too (we all went to the same school - also she’s a 25F, my boyfriend is a 27M, and I’m also a 25F). But there’s not much history between them. One day, I was talking to her on the phone, and I think my boyfriend was brought up in conversation (either I said something or she asked, I can’t remember), and then she said she wanted to add my boyfriend, and then she asked me to confirm his facebook to her. I didn’t want to think much of it, and I don’t want to be insecure about it, but I found it a bit weird for a few reasons (also I did end up giving his fb to her, but my bf didn’t accept her friend request - not cause I told him not to though…).
Anyways, the reason I think this, is because she’s currently having relationship problems with her boyfriend, and right now, their relationship is more like a situationship. I know she’s not really happy right now. I don’t want to think she has ulterior motives, but… I can’t help but think she might. This is because ages ago with my first boyfriend, I think him and her kinda had a thing. They both knew each other before me. They never dated though. But while I was dating him, they would both just go off one on one together sometimes, and sometimes they would have each other’s back when I’m around. I even asked my first boyfriend if he liked her, and he just changed the subject and pretended he didn’t see my message (but he replied to every other message). And then my friend’s sister (who didn’t know I was dating him at the time), asked my friend why she isn’t dating him, and my friend just told her sister to shush. At the time, I didn’t think much of it, but now looking back, I feel like this is so weird?? Like what kind of history did they actually have? And did they have a thing while I dated him??
But going back to today. When she started dating her boyfriend, she didn’t tell me much about him at all, and she didn’t want me to add him as a friend - which I didn’t even ask, or want to, or even think about lol. Like she told me in advance not to add him as a friend. But now, she wants to add my boyfriend? I was a little annoyed at this internally lol…
Also, she has asked me weird questions about my current boyfriend. Like in the early stages, she asked me how big his dick is lol. And then recently, she’s also been asking where my boyfriend lives, and what’s his address. But like I don’t want to think weirdly about her too. Cause I know she just has a big personality, and she’s social with everyone. And she’s also a very outspoken person, so maybe she’s just saying/doing a bunch of meaningless things, and maybe I’m just overthinking? I also know she wants to move out, and I said to her that I might move in with my boyfriend, so maybe that’s why she keeps asking about his address? So she could move in with me and him?
But I also don’t know too, cause I also know she’s the type of person to mess around too (not always though)… but she’s a very impulsive person, and she kinda just does whatever she wants, and one time, she may/may not have been a home wrecker (idk, I heard 2 different stories). Anyway, I don’t want to ask her about this, cause I might be wrong about her too, and she might get offended that I’m thinking this way… so what do you guys think of this situation?… Should I be worried? Or am I just overthinking ?
Tldr: friend sent a friend request to my boyfriend on facebook, even though she told me not to add her boyfriend on facebook (she told me in advance, even though I wasn’t even planning to/want to). She’s also having a hard time with her relationship at the moment too. In the past, she also may have had a thing for my first boyfriend (they knew each other before me, and while I was dating him, they would go one on one with each other to places, her sister asked why she isn’t dating him, and my first boyfriend ignored me when I asked if he liked her). Also, she has asked some weird questions about my current boyfriend - like how big his dick is, and where his address is. She’s also the type to mess around (but not always), and she’s a very impulsive person who may/may not have been a home wrecker before (idk, I heard 2 stories). At the same time though, she’s also a very outspoken person with a big personality, so some things she says/does could just be meaningless. So, should I be worried, or am I just overthinking?

tl;dr : husband wants me to stay home watching the kid while he goes for a fancy dinner out that his sister is paying for to thank us for hosting her. Plot twist: I am the one going out of my way and using my vacation time to do all the hosting.
Am I wrong to be upset over being excluded from a dinner out?
My husband and I are still married, live together and co-parent our kid. Our relationship has however run its course so we feel more like flatmates.
His sister and her friend are coming to visit from overseas. My husband is busy so I am the one using my vacation time to pick her up from the airport, showing her around, renting a car to drive them around, etc. At the same time I am the default parent of our kid and also have to do daycare drop-offs, pickups, take to appointments, organize 2 birthday parties, do the grocery shopping, etc.
The sister has invited us on a fancy dinner out to thank us for all the trouble.
My husband has made reservations only for 3: himself, his sister and the sister's friend. I didn't even have the chance to look for a babysitter. He informed me that, since I would get to enjoy his sister's company a lot more than him, he should have this dinner out alone with her (and her friend) to make up for working the rest of the time.
I am feeling upset because I haven't had a nice evening out in YEARS whereas he frequently has evenings and events out with his friends. It also feels unfair that I am going to be going through a lot of trouble (and using precious vacation time) for someone that I have never even met just to be excluded from the "thank you" dinner.
However: it is true that if I am there, they will also chat with me and will chat less with him + if we are no longer in a relationship (though we live together and co-parent and are married) should I really expect to be invited to any "family" events from his side of the family except as a mind-minder?

he is childfree too, but his reasons are a bit different from mine, and i'm starting to be a little worried. we have a bit of an age gap, i'm in my 20s, he's in his early 30s. his main reason is that the world sucks and he isn't bringing a kid into it, and some other uncertainties about the future, which is valid and they're part of my reasons but other than these, he doesn't seem to think of having children as as much of a horrible thing as i do. whenever i talk about one of my reasons being that you have to deal with the kid literally 24/7 for the first like 14 years, and almost 24/7 for the rest of the time they live with you, he disagrees. he thinks you can still live a normal life with a kid. i try telling him no you're literally wrong you can not live a normal life with a kid, he says i'm wrong and i think this because my parents are helicopters. they are in fact helicopters but i am now an adult and i still live with them, i know what part of their life is necessary and what part of it is being a helicopter, and a lot of it is necessary. i don't even know where he's getting this from, maybe it's a gender role thing. the only way to have a normal life with a kid is if you neglect the kid, and i don't think he was particularly neglected as a kid. his mom has sadly passed away long before we met, that obviously changes perceptions and makes this a sensitive topic, but he had a good relationship with his mom, and most of his childhood are happy memories for him. there's no way for me to even know how much of a life his mom had outside of having kids, and even if i knew, his mom's death was the biggest trauma of his life, i can't really be like hey your mom was actually doing things for you 24/7 you just didn't know it. my other main reason is that i have a sister who's 11 years younger than me... he has a sister who's about 10 years younger than him. no matter what i say he keeps thinking i'm wrong. i'm starting to be worried. i mean, he's over 30, he's probably old enough to know what he wants but i'm scared that one day he decides the world isn't that bad and the future isn't that uncertain after all, and he doesn't view kids as a life ruining thing.

im making this post on a throwaway account to avoid any family input or what have you. i want to start off by saying the dog i mention in this post has been close to me and my partner since my mother brought him home about 2 years ago and the reason for this is simply because we have been taking care of and raising him like he was ours since she got him because all she wanted him for was so that she could look cute with him on social media (where she basically lives digitally). about a year after she got him problems had arised in the household mainly because of me, i had just got back to her house after spending 2021 back in my hometown three hours from where we lived after she kicked me out of her house for questioning her on account of a current gf i had at the time (who did start the issue and waited until my mom kicked me out to come clean). it was fine with me i took that on the chin because at the end of the day i was wrong for coming at my mom for assuming she didnt like my partner bc she was white. fast forward a year later about early 2022. and we talk about our bond and she says i can come back and get myself together because she knew i was in a fucked up situation financially where i was staying. i come back to her house in 2022 and she had told me before i even came back that she just wanted me to focus on myself and not worry about her bills. i wasnt eager to go with this decision but it was smart considering i was basically starting from scratch with life in general. got a job not too long after i got back and met my current partner (we'll call her beck). beck is white while me and my family are black and trust me this information is important. beck comes into the picture and we hang out more and she starts coming over some days hanging out in my room and i went to her house twice because her mother kept the place in shitty conditions and basically tried to downplay her own daughter right in front of me both times. i could tell beck had issues with being home and she too was in the process of getting her life together without even saying any of this. so i knew being with me in my room at my moms house was her only escape. mom for random reasons started having issues with beck cleaning the house for her while she was at work or taking care of the dog in a way my mother didnt approve. then it graduated to beck "stealing" money from her but her never having the proof or the funds to back it up to begin with. my mothers partner at the time of like 8 or 9 years who we'll call randy was cool as hell but somehow never managed to avoid fighting with her verbally. this went on the whole time i was there and randy ended up leaving and they broke up. problem was randy left right around the time i started fumbling with my jobs and needing to look around. now i wanna say im no saint, i spent my time searching for jobs AND gaming bc im a gamer. problem was i was taking too long this time around and theres no excuse. she started turning the heat on me and my partner once randy left and i started getting fed up because she was now asking for rent money while belittling me and my partner for being "laid up in her house". again, fair point. so my next step was realizing whether i had a job or not this woman was a firestarter no matter what you had going on. getting up early morning to say little slick comments in the morning because she wanted to get a reaction. by this point me and my partner are looking for a new place to live while we figure things out. my mother catches wind of this and starts asking when we'll take the dog after we get the place. now me knowing that she wont take proper care of him, i agree to take him with us and her response is "well hes not going anywhere until i see the house that yall move to. i wanna see everything to make sure its good for my baby"(the dog). i immediately got pissed and told her its not going down like that and that she needs to start considering how she speaks to people mainly me because im not gonna keep dealng with it. she got offended and kicked me and my partner AND THE DOG out of the room mid convo bc she didnt like what i said. me and my partner go back to my room and close the door to which she comes out saying "disrespectful little motherfucker talking to your mother like that" super loud. i let that one get to me and i mistakenly opened my door and started arguing. out of nowhere she hits me with "n***a fuck you" "you wont have to worry about me or the dog because NOW you AINT seeing him how about that" i said "thats fine hes not a bargaining chip". she went back to her room and slammed the door. didnt speak to me for like a week. my birthday comes around after this long week and she working the day of. i didnt expect her to say shit bc i know my mother and shes that petty. what i didnt expect was for her to hop on social media and wish early happy birthdays to two family members that werent me. ok fine thats cool. she gets home that same day and asks my partner if sai(the dog) has been out. my partner says "no we couldnt take him because his leash and collar are in the room and you locked the door. she had been locking the door ever since she started blaming beck for stealing from her. so once she realized the dog hadnt been out because she locked the door, she tells beck to "ask him if he'll take him out" by this point ive been told im not shit and im not needed and the first thing u say to me on my birthday is "can you take him out" i said no. rage ensued as she slammed the bathroom door on her way out of it. this time she kept walking passed my door talking more shit. more of the usual "i gave you life and you treat me like this" i told her to get away from the door with the nonsense and she started a full argument and said we had to go tomorrow. tomorrow rolls around and we wait for her to go to work so we can leave in peace. she normally got home around 9pm but on this day here she comes strolling in at 2pm right in the middle of packing. paces in front of our door talking shit and this time beck responds saying "we're leaving you need to let us be". this woman then told my partner she was going to beat her ass. i immediately shut that down too because i never seen my mother get tough with anybody. and here she is getting tough with the one person who hates confrontation. after i told her she wasnt even that type of person she replies with i'll stab both of yall in yall sleep. said weird stuff like "thats right i forgot i cant throw pussy on you and call you sexy like her im just the mother you dont have to respect". beck calls me sexy every day. its our little corny but cute word between us. anyway after 30 more minutes of bullshit arguing we leave for becks moms house which fucking sucked until my brother offered me a job in California working with him and my dad. throughout the 5 or 6 months of me being there i was making good money and even tho my mom was fucked up to me, i sent her funds when i could. my father found out i was sending funds to my mom AND my sisters (his daughters with other women) and the fuckhead accused me of using him then when i told him save it for after work(we worked the same construction site) the motherfucker sat there next to me and argued with himself bc i started ignoring the "i feel like your playing with me" comments because i told him "im a grown ass man and we are at work. you are not to question me about shit because you wont get an answer you like. i help my family out because its my money. simple" he then grabbed my shirt yelling "who are you talking to" snatched his hand off and he gets in my face saying "DONT FUCKIN TOUCH ME" so i replied calm "dont touch me at all. thats the last free one your gonna get" dude looks around the lot at a crowd and says "you wanna fight or something? yall wouldnt be working here without me" i couldnt help but laugh in his face for trying to cause scene for an audience and went home. packed me and my partner up, came back to new york where im from. stayed with my mom for a month before me and my partner rushed and got into the place we have now. problem was now that we had our own space, my mom pushed sai off on us and dude practically lived with us. barely went home.fast forward to like 2 weeks ago. by this point we have our two cat boys cosmo and dexter. they are babies. 4months and some change to be exact. we tried introducing sai to the boys multiple times a day and he kept jumping at them or scaring them. the only option was to let sai sleep in the living room. we kept my mother in the loop with him because by law, hes "her dog". she started her little comments over text to beck immediately "if yall plan on mistreating my baby he dont have to be there" then told beck "im venting if you mention this to my son im gonna cuss you tf out" we let that one slide because now i was building my evidence so when i bugged tf out, i wasnt wrong. next day some old dude on our block got aggressive with beck for walking sai "on his block" she called me to come handle it and i get there and back him off. by this point im pissed. beck calls my mother to tell her sai gotta go home this week hes been with us since we got our place. mother catches a attitude and i again let it go. two days later beck has a goofy moment and brings sai in the room seconds after her, the boys and i just got up. dexter pops sai on the nose for getting too close. beck moves asai then scrunches dex to put him in time out. i got annoyed when she scrunched my furry boy. told her dont do that shit again even tho it supposedly doesn't hurt them, i dont like seeing it especially when it all happened because she was doing too much too early. she had a moment and told my mom he has to go "because your son is getting annoyed". mother responds "he can come today he'll be fine at home by himself. hes favoring those cats over his brother (sai). i immediately got pissed at both of them. called my mother and told her hes going home and hes not coming back because im tired of the comments of neglect when i actively tried to introduce him to the boys with no progress. i mean FUCK i kept the boys stuck in the room in their own home so your dog can fuck our living room and kitchen up. i then got on beck for being a firestarter to which she argued me on. then i told her the relationship was on the verge of being done because your not gonna be sitting around me starting shit. i didnt let up until she realized how petty she was being and how at risk we were because of it. my mother then argued me down telling me im dumb. and then she basically skipped over the fact she didnt reach out to her son to see what happened before coming at me in a side convo with beck. beck brought the convo to my attention which was wat initially set me off but i made sure to get on her ass instigating an issue where there was none. mom then called beck a white trash stealing dirty bitch. we told her to come get her dog. i cut contact soon as she left. a day later i find out she called the women on her side of the family and fabricated the whole story i didnt bother clearing it up or giving her that satisfaction of a response. then 2 days ago she called my phone and i let it ring. haven't spoken since. AITAH here? genuine question

My husband and I have been struggling for almost the entirety of our marriage. I’ll be the first here to admit that our age does play a role in that.
Today, he accidentally sent me a message about myself that was meant for his friend: “She’s mad at me because I tried to have sex with her when she was ovulating lmao.” I know this may sound dramatic, but I think I felt my heart break a little when I read that. I felt betrayed, disrespected, humiliated, and I can’t help but to feel he wants his friends to think I’m crazy and that he’s being emotionally tortured.
He told me last year around this time that none of his friends liked me - which I wasn’t really nice in response to. I think the whole group, including my husband, had a hard time adjusting to him being married and boundaries being put in place. For example, my cool wife card was revoked when I said if his friends have nothing better to talk about other than banging chicks while around me (they’re all in relationships/marriages) then they have no reason to be in my home. One of the wives won’t even let the guys swear but I’m supposed to listen to them brag about all the hot girls from high school and taking turns sharing who’d they rather. Time and place, I guess. Strip clubs are also off the table but the other guys sneak and go behind their wives backs (I only know because they all thought I was young, hot, and cool in the beginning.) That gained me the controlling title. It all led to him resenting me because now he was missing out on all the single fun. He’s told me he withholds sex from me as a punishment because he doesn’t see his friends like he used to. Which is in no way my fault, I’m good friends with one of the girlfriends and she’s told me that they don’t really like to come around because all my husband wants to do is drink. One night when he was drunk, I asked him why he never fingered me anymore, and his response was “it’s just a hole to f***.” After that, he said he felt awkward trying to have sex with me because he knew I’d just be thinking about that. So we went from twice a day every day, to maybe once every couple of weeks. Oddly enough, I ended up pregnant. On my birthday last year, I started miscarrying. He had plans with his friends, and didn’t cancel. Instead, he let me drop them off at another’s house, he kissed me goodbye and said “tell me what the doctors say.” (Fast forward 6 months and none of his friends even knew I miscarried that day.) That whole situation ate away at me for months, and I’d keep it to myself for the most part but there were times I’d snap. I couldn’t process the loss, but it also felt like I lost my husband that day too. He didn’t choose me. He chose to watch football and get drunk. After a few months of the struggle, my parents came over to sorta mediate, and as soon as I started crying about the miscarriage and how he left me for his friends, he stood up over me and told me “Stfu you’re just looking for sympathy from them.” Which, my parents didn’t respect that at all, but they chose not to intervene. Moving forward, we didn’t move forward at all. Any advances I’d make towards him he’d ignore. The most activity he was giving me was letting me give him handies. After many complaints, our schedule got busier to twice in one month (yea, I keep track.) His brother and his wife had their baby we got pregnant at the same time with, and the day we met him, we came home and after weeks of not touching me, he said “let’s make a baby.” and he started tracking my cycle, and sex became a bigger chore for him. He was forcing himself to have sex with me when I was ovulating because he thinks a baby will make me happy. So, last night he tried to make a move purely because I was ovulating and this time, I denied him. I told him that I’m tired of him only wanting to have sex with me when I’m ovulating. His response was “when do you think I’m supposed to want to have sex with you?” I responded back “every day” and left the room crying. Then today while he was at work, he sent me the accidental message. When I asked him this evening why it’s his goal to make me look so crazy to his friends, it turned into a big fight.
Have I sabotaged my marriage?

I've been dating my boyfriend (M31) for over 3 years, and we've lived together for 2 of those years. I'm aware that there is a significant age gap, as I'm (F21). My boyfriend is Korean, and I'm half Japanese, half Spanish. At first, he thought I was too young, but I begged him to stay with me regardless of our age difference. He works full time 6 or 5 days a week & im a student & I work full time as well but the days varies so I’m home more often.
The issue is that I've tried changing almost everything about myself to make him like me, but nothing seems to work. I've changed my personality, clothing, hair, interests, and even tried to be more sexy or cute. However, my boyfriend is not very interested in sex, as I was his first partner and I didn't have much experience either. He said he was never really interested in sex and just likes playing PC games, especially League of Legends. I've tried learning to play, but he gets upset when I'm not a pro at it when he "teaches" me, and he doesn't even last a minute teaching me before getting frustrated.
Before I say anything to him, he sighs and says he doesn't care or that it's stupid. He often assumes I'll say or do something I've never done, and this leads to arguments. He makes me cry both inside and outside the house which is always so embarrassing, but he's never apologized or tried to make me feel better. He just has a cold expression and gets even more annoyed, looking away.
There are times when he is nice and loving, but it's very rare. I get confused when he acts that way, and I forget everything he's done to hurt my feelings. I would never forgive anyone else for the things he's done, but I'm very grateful for all he's done for me, and I always let him know.
I tell him I'm grateful, I tell him he's handsome, I praise him, I love him, I always hug him & caress him. But sometimes, I’ll give him his space for like 3 weeks but it isn’t enough. After a while he’ll come home from work and he’ll go straight to his pc and if I try to cuddle him or kiss him for a few minutes , he gets super mad and annoyed, telling me he just wants to play bc he’s tired.
He never says I'm pretty, but he gets annoyed when guys message me on social media saying they think I'm pretty. I always ask him if he thinks I'm attractive because he never looks at me or says I'm pretty. I don't feel like he finds me attractive at all. When I try on sexy or pretty clothes and ask him if I look good, he'll just say "yeah" or "ugh, I'm playing," without ever looking at me and continue playing his game. He doesn’t look into my eyes!
When I try to talk to him about funny videos or things that happened to me or interest me, he always says, "Ugh, I don't want to hear about that." He says that about everything. It breaks my heart that he's so uninterested in me. I know guys don’t like clothes, makeup, and those kinds of things but fashion interests me a lot and when my partner talks about his interest I feel happy seeing how his face lights up so why does he hate when my face lights up? Why does he ALWAYS turn that smile into tears? Why is he with me if he seems to hate me so much?
I've lost a lot of weight and try to look my best for him, he says that I care about my looks way too much but I feel like he treats me according to how I look. When I ask him why he doesn't pay attention to me, he just says always says "ugh" “ugh” that Korean sound angry Koreans make. It always triggers me. I don't know why he doesn't like me, so I try to fix myself in any way I can. I'm already smart and nice, so I feel like it’s my looks and now I feel extremely insecure with my looks and personality. I starve myself to try to be as pretty/slim as I can, like the girls he had saved on his phone when I had first met him but nothing seems to be enough. He doesn’t have any photos of me either btw. He doesn’t post me though, he doesn’t post anything on social media he only scrolls on Facebook like, a lot.
I get a lot of attention from others, but not at home. He hates that I like TikToks funny cat memes, and other "dumb" stuff, but they're just innocent jokes, and I have nothing else interesting in my life. I'm very lonely because this situation makes me so depressed and it makes me feel stupid and useless. I don't feel like I'll ever be liked/loved by anyone If my own partner doesn't love me.
He yells at me and starts arguments over the simplest things, like sharing something I thought was funny or interesting. It’s never negative or insulting. Everything makes him angry and annoyed. I sometimes feel scared that he'll get too angry and break things again, as he's already broken 4 TVs. I don't even do anything to him; he just gets so angry when I ask for a bit of attention. I just don't understand why. I feel so lonely.

Me and my sister were in the kitchen eating when my dad came home. It was around 1 in the morning and he looked so tired, as if he drank. We sat down and talked for at least an hour, during which hw starting breaking down and crying.
Seeing my dad cry breaks my heart and the more we talked the harder my tears came. Him and my mom fight a lot, but always went back to normal after. But this time she had ignored him for the entire day.
From what I heard from my dad, they had fought because my dad was going over to help a family friend too often. The family friend in question was someone who had helped us with renovating the house when we had moved. and so when they had bought their own house my dad had wanted to return the favor. My dad told me and my sister that our mom didn't like him helping out. I don't believe this is what she meant as me and my mom are the same and say things we don't mean in fits of anger. I assume my dad had misinterpreted what she said.
But whatever she had told my dad made it sound like we complained about him not doing enough for us. He said that our mom told him we complained about not having him with us when we went out. He had said that he tried as much as he could to come back home today but when he got back we were gone.
He then asked us if we could give up everything related to our activities outside and to just stay at home and wait for him to come back. If we could just wait at home and then when he came back we could all go. Like one big happy family. We only had 2 options, yes or no.
I told him that it wasn't healthy to make us give up seeing other people in order to solve things. That we could talk this out as a family and work out a better solution. But that told him what he needed. I acted myself in that moment. I wished gor so much in that moment. I wished that I could just not care about anyone else except for my family. That I could say yes. That I could make him happy. But I couldn't say yes. I want to say yes. But he still told me that he loved me to death even if I said no. But because I couldn't do what he had asked of me he asked what else I could do.
I have no idea. I want to help.
I told him to go with my mom to couples therapy or even suggested family therapy. I know I shouldn't be interfering but this isn't okay. Both of my parents need to learn to communicate and if they don't trust others, I want them to at least be able to consult a professional. Someone who can help them. I feel so selfish. I know.
I just wanted to see if anyone had advice they could give me. Anything to say or to do. I just want to make them both happy.

Dang im late but the party is all weekend and even prob into the week as well…!! Hope you had a good bday RC!!!

I've been in love since almost 10 years ago with a person I knew though social media, and to most people it sound pathetic, I know, but the "worse" part is that we ended our relationship about 7 years ago.
We knew each other though a WhatsApp community group, while I was 15 and she was 13(this in 2014).
Initially, we didn't even talk to each other much (and never on private message, just the group), but by joking with each other we started talking more and more.
Prior to the continuation.., I would like to add certain context of myself. Due certain circumstances in my life i had severe depression and suicidal attempts even when I was even younger, but since I was naive/stupid I could never make it, and was getting frustrated at my own situation despite my young age, so that's when I just decided to know people on the Internet as a different persona. Never a fake name or anything like that, I was too young to even considering I could do that lol (I started at 10, which was extremely young on social media at that time, seems like not so much nowadays). So even though I was super introvert, expressionless and hated and mistrusted every single person, I started joining Facebook groups and then WhatsApp groups to know people who at least weren't from my home country. I always tried to being a expressive person in all of them and tried very hard to make some friends, but after a few disappointments I started losing hope, and I could not feel neither love or hatred towards people. It was just self hatred while I was still trying to "fix me" since even people started saying I was a weird kid because of how expressionless and apathic I was. They just treated me like a weird thing.
I felt like shit everyday, every hour, spending most of the day medicated with up to 6 pills.
And even though I was still that "funny" or "extrovert" person on social media I stopped talking to people on private, because I was exhausted on trying to connect with someone since I didn't even know how to properly hold common conversations like "how was you day?",and that other persona just wasn't enough.
So... continuing with the main story; It felt completely different with her, it was fun, even though there was still no private conversations, just the group chat.
At first, I thought it was just a misunderstanding on my part(as if I was brainwashing myself to think it was fun), so I got more and more curious about the things I was feeling with her, till the point that curiosity moved to her, and I started to wanting to actually know her better, not because I was trying to fix me, but because I was genuinely interested on her.
According to that genuine Interest and then love, I slowly naturally stopped acting as another person, and even though I was cold and barely showed any "visual" interest we still keep talking normally.
She was perfect in my eyes, I loved her very much and told her about it, but she rejected me due to her family. Even so, she made it clear that she felt the same.
Still, we keep talking normally, and on mid 2016 we started a relationship.
We had a lot of fights, mostly because of me I still had a hard time expressing myself since I wasn't used to, and she was also bad at expressing herself but in a a different way I had a herd time showing my true feelings about things, and since it was by chat it was even harder to express.. And she was bad about talking about herself, even about her opinions about anything.
So there were a lot of misunderstanding between each other, with her thinking I was mad or sad about something, but since I always told her it wasn't anything (it really wasn't anything) she had a hard time believing I was telling the truth to her. And since she didn't liked to talk too much about her thoughts I sometimes felt like she wasn't interested on me or just didn't trust me enough to talk about certain things.
So even though I would tell her everyday how much I loved her and she would tell me it wasn't like that, we still keep arguing a lot. As a couple with mental health issues we had quite a ride every day lol.
At some point, the discussions started getting more regular, and I starting feeling like It would be better for her to just forget about me and that she would be happy like that. I would make me as a "sacrifice" and just cut her up so she could be happy without having to deal with my problems.
We had yet another fight, and I thought about that again, and after a lot of things we said goodbye to each other and told her I was going to block her, which I did.
It was extremely stupid, and I regretted it even a minute after doing it, but I keep thinking it was the best for her. Almost 6 months passed, with me feeling regret every single day and feeling like shit but also thinking about how things were and how I should have done a lot of things differently, till I just couldn't help it anymore and unblocked her and talked to her again. It was yet another bad decision. If already did it I should have gone on with it till the end, so why tf would I talk to her again? I just made her suffer again. I regret both things, till this day.
And even though I did that, she responded to me We had a very deep conversation, and explained to her why I did it and why I talked to her again. She obviously felt awful,and while I was explaining, I once again felt like it was such a stupid idea and that I should have tried more.
In the time we didn't talk we both thought a lot of things, and ended up deciding to just keep as friends, even though we both still loved each other. We just came to the conclusion that we hurt each other more being together as a couple. We started to talk less and less, to the point it ended up in a relationship of "happy birthday" and "happy new year", not because we didn't want to speak to each other, but because it was kinda weird. I still loved her very much, but I couldn't say so, and every thing she did or how she talked was still adorable to me, but I just couldn't say "you're cute", "I love you so much", because we weren't anything.
At some point in her birthday(2020) I told her that maybe we shouldn't talk to each other more so we could just forget about each other(I never intended to forget about her but I wanted her to be happy) but she said she was okay with our (at that time) current situation so she would still do it.
When new year came, she didn't talked to me. Neither in my birthday (January). I was both sad and relieved/happy tbh. I thought "maybe she's thinking about herself and her own happiness, which is what I wanted". Time came by, and in 2022 she talked to me, not on new year or on my birthday, but on a normal day.
I was extremely happy and worried at the same time. We talked about a lot of things, including love in general. I told her I still loved her, not wanting anything in return, and she said that maybe I only love the memories, and I would not like her current self. We keep talking about a lot of things, every day for a few months, and I just came to the conclusion that she was wrong. I still loved her, the way she expressed, the way she talked, everything. I felt like I was 15 again, discovering new things that made me love her more and more.
Everything was fine, we were not in a new relationship but still good. At some point she was very busy with a lot of things(tests and everything), so we naturally started talking less. I was completely oblivious about what she was thinking during that time, and I still don't fully understand, but she told me that we probably shouldn't talk anymore(maybe revenge? I don't think so but sometimes I do think I can be that) I was again sad but happy, thinking she knows we probably don't have a future so it was the best for her. So i agreed with her(not like I had an option), and we said goodbye.
Sometimes I think, maybe she wanted me to tell her no? Should I have said no and that we should try it? But even so, my own answer is that that was the best. I still can't forgive myself about what I did and how we broke up, so I just can't feel the right to be with her.
Even so, I still feel genuinely happy for her, and I wouldn't mind if she has another lover on her life, quite the opposite. I would love her to be happy, and it doesn't matter if it's not with me, because it's just not about me but about her.
She initially made me feel jealous for the first time in my life, she made me worried, sad, happy, stressed, loved, wanted, etc. Most feelings I didn't think I could feel for another person. Even my family didn't think I could. She made me not wanting to kill myself every day, she made me think living was worth it, she made me think I should keep on living no matter what. That's true even though I still don't have anything, not even friends. She made my life happy just by thinking about her, and I will always be thankful and sorry for everything we did together, not just because of how she made me feel, but because she was (and pretty sure still is) an amazing person who deserves the better. She even made me leave most pills.
Like I started, I still love her very much, and even though she's the only "thing"(as in both passion and people) I "have" and even though sometimes I just want to die, I will still keep trying to live, for as long as I can even though I think about dying every single day of my life.
Even though this was long af, it was still a super resumed version, and since English it's not even my first language I probably have a lot of mistakes, so sorry about that and also thanks to whoever made it this far. Although I doubt this will ever be read I feel a little relieved since I literally have no one else to talk, not even family lol.