I’m turning 24 this week, but I feel like my life is pretty messed up right now. I took six years to graduate from university, and I just completed my degree this semester. Initially, I was a health science major, but severe mental health issues forced me to drop out. I ended up getting a degree in philosophy with a 2.2 GPA, which I know isn’t very useful, but it’s all I could manage with my mental health struggles.
During university, I did some part-time jobs in sales and customer service. With that experience, I’m applying for sales jobs, but despite a few interviews, I haven’t had any luck yet. On top of that, I barely have any friends or social life. I have a stammer which makes daily interactions, work, and social situations really tough. Right now, I’m working part-time in a grocery store and my parents are supporting me financially.
To give a bit more background, I have childhood trauma from being bullied for my stammer and from being sexually assaulted. Even my parents mocked me for my stammer, and I worry that people see me as weak because of it (although no one has mocked me in the last few years). I’ve been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), ADHD and depression, which makes life extremely challenging.
Physically, I’m skinny fat and I’m trying to lose weight and build muscle, as well as eat healthier. Financially, I’m broke with only $500 to my name.
When it comes to self-improvement, I want to turn my life around but I’m not sure where to start. Here are some areas I’m considering focusing on:

1. Working on my stammer - Breathing techniques, trying to speak slower, reading loudly, etc 2. Coping with BPD, ADHD and depression - Though I can’t afford therapy right now, I plan to look into it later. For now, I’m focusing on self-help resources and coping strategies. 3. Improving social skills - Making friends, socializing more, networking, joining groups or clubs and building a supportive and positive friend circle 4. Physical fitness - Continue lifting weights (I go to the gym 3 days a week), and start eating healthier. 5. Learning new skills - Swimming, dancing, negotiating, communication skills, a new language like Spanish or French and possibly a martial art to feel more confident 

What should I focus on first? What would be a good game plan to turn my life around? Do you have any other ideas? I would appreciate any suggestions or advice from those who have been through similar struggles.

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For some reason today I started playing music and the music will just cut out randomly and white noise will appear for a few seconds and its very very frustrating!
Log below:
Audirvana Studio 2.8.1 (20801)
Windows 11 (22631) with 32GB physical RAM
Connected account of : Lior Eliyahu
NETWORK

Status: available Available network interfaces: Ethernet ({3c0e6c4e-4e1f-4ca8-8f51-320449e2a8d9}) is private Windows Defender Firewall status for this instance of Audirvana Studio Active profile types: all Private profile: Firewall: enabled Inbound: allowed Outbound: allowed Notifications: enabled Public profile: Firewall: enabled Inbound: blocked Outbound: allowed Notifications: enabled 

SIGNAL PROCESSING:

Polarity Inversion: Globally: OFF Per track: ON Effects plugins ACTIVE in offline mode VST3 plugin #0: C:\\Program Files\\Common Files\\VST3\\MeldaProduction\\EQ\\MEqualizerLP.vst3 ClassID: 4D656C646170726F4D41656A4D41656A VST3 plugin #1: None VST3 plugin #2: None VST3 plugin #3: None 

UPSAMPLING:

r8brain not in use r8brain filter parameters Bandwidth = 99.5% Stop band attenuation 218dB Phase linear 

AUDIO VOLUME:

Max allowed volume: 100 Replay Gain: None SW volume control: OFF 

LIBRARY SETTINGS:

Sync list: 0 folders Library database path: C:\\Users\\liore\\AppData\\Local\\Packages\\Audirvana.Audirvana-4118-9684-d80dbb7827cd\_q3nymrkmej12j\\LocalCache\\Local\\Audirvana\\Audirvana\\AudirvanaDatabase.sqlite 

Local audio files fingerprinting

Tracks with no MBID: 207 

Remote Control server:

Listening on [192.168.0.18](http://192.168.0.18) on port 53220 

ACTIVE STREAMING SERVICES

Qobuz: Connected as Qobuz Studio TIDAL: Connected as PREMIUM 

APPEARANCE SETTINGS:

UI theme: dark Font size: regular Language: System language Show album covers in tracks list: yes Source list sorted: My Music Radios Podcasts Streaming Local Startup view: My Music: Albums Show local extended in source list: no Use media keys: yes Use media keys for volume control: yes Use legacy Bonjour protocol: no Number of paired remotes: 1 Remote pairing code required: yes Screen saver disabled: no 

=================== AUDIO DEVICE ========================
Active method: Local
Max. memory for audio buffers: 22502MB
Local Audio Engine: KernelStreaming
Preferred device:

Speakers (2- D90) Model UID:USB\\VID\_152A&PID\_8750&REV\_0106&MI\_00 UID:\\\\?\\SWD#MMDEVAPI#{0.0.0.00000000}.{6e2a11e2-7899-4aa0-bfa5-49d54a9359b7}#{e6327cad-dcec-4949-ae8a-991e976a79d2} 

Active Sample Rate: 705.6kHz
Bridge settings:

Sample rate limitation: none Sample rate switching latency: none Limit bitdepth to 24bit: OFF Mute during sample rate change: OFF 

Selected device:Speakers (2- D90)

Manufacturer: Microsoft Model name: D90 Model UID: USB\\VID\_152A&PID\_8750&REV\_0106&MI\_00 UID: \\\\?\\SWD#MMDEVAPI#{0.0.0.00000000}.{6e2a11e2-7899-4aa0-bfa5-49d54a9359b7}#{e6327cad-dcec-4949-ae8a-991e976a79d2} USB Vendor ID: 0x152a USB Product ID: 0x8750 Kernel Streaming capable 

10 available sample rates up to 768000Hz

44100 48000 88200 96000 176400 192000 352800 384000 705600 768000 

Volume Control

Physical: Yes Virtual: No Max volume alert: Disabled 

MQA capability

Auto-detect MQA devices: Yes Not automatically detected, user set to not MQA 

DSD capability

Unhandled (PCM conversion) with boost gain of 6dB 

Device audio channels

Preferred stereo channels L:0 R:1 Channel bitmap: Ox3, layout: Channel 0 mapped to 0 Channel 1 mapped to 1 

Audio channels in use

Number of channels: 2 Use as stereo device only: No Simple stereo device: No 

1 output streams:

Number of active channels: 2, in 1 stream(s) Channel #0 :Stream 0 channel 0 Channel #1 :Stream 0 channel 1 2 ch Integer PCM 32bit little endian 44.1kHz 2 ch Integer PCM 32bit little endian 48kHz 2 ch Integer PCM 32bit little endian 88.2kHz 2 ch Integer PCM 32bit little endian 96kHz 2 ch Integer PCM 32bit little endian 176.4kHz 2 ch Integer PCM 32bit little endian 192kHz 2 ch Integer PCM 32bit little endian 352.8kHz 2 ch Integer PCM 32bit little endian 384kHz 2 ch Integer PCM 32bit little endian 705.6kHz 2 ch Integer PCM 32bit little endian 768kHz 2 ch Integer PCM 24bit little endian aligned high in 32bit chunk 44.1kHz 2 ch Integer PCM 24bit little endian aligned high in 32bit chunk 48kHz 2 ch Integer PCM 24bit little endian aligned high in 32bit chunk 88.2kHz 2 ch Integer PCM 24bit little endian aligned high in 32bit chunk 96kHz 2 ch Integer PCM 24bit little endian aligned high in 32bit chunk 176.4kHz 2 ch Integer PCM 24bit little endian aligned high in 32bit chunk 192kHz 2 ch Integer PCM 24bit little endian aligned high in 32bit chunk 352.8kHz 2 ch Integer PCM 24bit little endian aligned high in 32bit chunk 384kHz 2 ch Integer PCM 24bit little endian aligned high in 32bit chunk 705.6kHz 2 ch Integer PCM 24bit little endian aligned high in 32bit chunk 768kHz 

Local devices found : 3

Device #0: Speakers (2- D90) Manufacturer: Microsoft Model UID: USB\\VID\_152A&PID\_8750&REV\_0106&MI\_00 UID: \\\\?\\SWD#MMDEVAPI#{0.0.0.00000000}.{6e2a11e2-7899-4aa0-bfa5-49d54a9359b7}#{e6327cad-dcec-4949-ae8a-991e976a79d2} USB Vendor ID: 0x152a USB Product ID: 0x8750 Model name: D90 Device #1: Digital Audio (S/PDIF) (High Definition Audio Device) Manufacturer: Microsoft Model UID: HDAUDIO\\FUNC\_01&VEN\_10EC&DEV\_1168&SUBSYS\_10438723&REV\_1000 UID: \\\\?\\SWD#MMDEVAPI#{0.0.0.00000000}.{54b95b35-1196-4402-83e8-e8ca3b6e0f3f}#{e6327cad-dcec-4949-ae8a-991e976a79d2} Model name: Audio Device on High Definition Audio Bus Device #2: MSI MAG281URF (NVIDIA High Definition Audio) Manufacturer: NVIDIA Model UID: HDAUDIO\\FUNC\_01&VEN\_10DE&DEV\_00A4&SUBSYS\_14625112&REV\_1001 UID: \\\\?\\SWD#MMDEVAPI#{0.0.0.00000000}.{334b751c-7be7-46a9-8120-1f067647cb4e}#{e6327cad-dcec-4949-ae8a-991e976a79d2} Model name: Audio Device on High Definition Audio Bus 

UPnP
UPnP devices found : 1

Device #0: My TV UID: uuid:ea366c9a-c192-11eb-9219-fe85844e9d6e Location: [http://192.168.0.100:38400/MediaServerendererdevicedesc.xml](http://192.168.0.100:38400/MediaServerendererdevicedesc.xml) Manufacturer: Model name: Renderer 

Chromecast
Chromecast devices found : 0

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Hi all. Long-time BB sufferer here, having suffered for over 22 years (since 2002 at the age of 16 or 17). I am now turning 39 years old this later year.
Like many on here, I have explored countless routes to investigate the cause of my BB to try and cure it. I thought it came from my nose (post-nasal drip), my gut (acid reflux), allergies, and dry mouth. In the end, it was none of these things. Here are some things I had done while trying to cure my BB, based on what I thought were the causes:

• Sinuses/Allergies
  • Surgery: Nasal Polyp Removal
  • Surgery: Deviated Septum correction
  • Surgery: Nasal passage widening using balloon sinoplasty to widen nose and help breathe through nose
  • Nasal irrigation devices to wash sinus using baking soda/salt solution
  • Allergy Medications
  • Allergy Testing and Allergy Shots
• Gut
  • All Acid/PPI medications (omeprazole, pantaprozole, etc.)
  • Multiple stomach endoscopies
  • Silent Reflux (LPR) Test
  • Surgery: LINX implant - a titanium ring now permanently sits on my stomach/esophagus to prevent reflux.
  • Multiple H. Pylori Tests (negative of course)
• Dry Mouth
  • Tried dry mouth meds (salagen and evoxac)
  • Have spent thousands of dollars over the years on Dry Mouth lozenges from Biotene, ACT brand, etc.
  • Mouth covering tape to prevent mouth breathing
• Other Stuff
  • Antibiotics
  • Probiotic toothpaste
  • Essential oils
  • Chlorhexidine Mouthwash
  • Castille soap
  • Bleach and hydrogen peroxide
  • Several hundreds of dollars worth of oral probiotic lozenges found on Amazon
  • The list goes on. You name it, I've tried it.

Around last year, I came across an ad on social media for Bristle, for testing of the oral microbiome. The company said something that was really critical to my journey: that 90% of halitosis cases stem from the mouth and the oral microbiome. Because we BB sufferers are always so good with our oral hygeine regimens, it's natural for us to assume the cause is something else apart from the mouth, which is why we tend to investigate sinuses, gut issues, and so on. However, more likely than not, in over 9 out of 10 cases, it has to do with an imbalance of bacteria in the mouth.
I took the test, and discovered that I had really high levels of two or three halitosis-causing bacteria, that reside in the gum line: Fusobacterium Nucleatum, Prevotella Intermedia, and Tannerella Forsythia. In addition to this analysis, the Bristle team offered a treatment plan and recommended that I use SmartMouth Clinical Strength mouthwash for 2 weeks, and afterwards, repopulating with oral probiotics for several months, to try and change my oral microbiome over time. I tried using the SmartMouth mouthwash, and it helped somewhat for sure, but only temporarily. I knew that it was doing something, and ended up going off the deep end: spending hundreds of dollars more on SmartMouth mouthwash over the course of several months, because I became dependent on it to mask my BB enough for me to go out of the house.
After some further investigation, I came across a different oral microbiome test that was based out of Canada, called OraVital. Similar to Bristle, OraVital does a microbiome test via saliva, and comes back with results (which in my case, matched the same bacteria I had discovered in the Bristle test). However, additionally, they offer a 3 week antibiotic treatment plan (amoxicillin/metronidazole mouthwash and gum ointment), followed by chlorhexidine mouthwash. This was much stronger than what Bristle offered. I did the treatment, and it helped enormously when I was on it. However, sadly, the BB returned when I completed the antibiotic solutions. I was sad and defeated once again.
Next, I came across a third oral microbiome test, by a company called Viome, called the Oral Intelligence Test. This test does the saliva sample, but doesn't give you a list of the bacteria they find. However, they give you an oral probiotic lozenge that is supposed to be custom for you. I noticed the strength of the oral probiotic lozenge to be 30 billion CFU. This was a clue for me, because other probiotic lozenges that I came across online were only in the range of 3-6 billion CFU. The fact that this was 30 billion meant that more probiotic bacteria were needed to combat the problem.
I ended up taking the Viome oral probiotic lozenges for some time, but experienced only modest results. However, they did help somewhat with my morning breath when taken before bed. But the BB always came back.
Over the course of time, it dawned on me. This problem is more severe. It requires more effort to remove the bad bacteria, and more effort/strength to repopulate with good probiotic bacteria.
It was then that I had a revelation that made all the difference. Instead of relying on oral probiotic lozenges, with their relatively minimal strength, why not use extremely high doses? I resorted to trying probiotic powder instead of lozenges. The dosages in some of these powders was over 100 billion CFU per scoop.
The Bristle test indicated that the bad bacteria I have were sensitive to reuterin, which is produced by the probiotic L. Reuteri. I came across L. Reuteri powder on Amazon. Additionally, I came across L. Salivarius powder as well, which a probiotic that produces a compound called saliviricin that kills bad bacteria as well.

• L. Reuteri Powder: https://amzn.to/44LMcPx
• L. Salivarius Powder: https://amzn.to/3KnX64Z

I began taking these two powders in the mouth, mixed with a bit of water (only a little bit, so that they do not get diluted). I also use water because I feel like this helps the probiotics swish through the gum lines, which is where my bad bacteria resides. Within 1 week of doing this, multiple times a day, I noticed a massive improvement. I knew I was onto something, and something big. I continued to do this for a couple of weeks, and noticed my breath getting better and better over time. However, it was not completely eliminated. I figured it would just need to be something that I would use before I went out. However, I noticed the improvement to be getting progressively better after 3 weeks, and then 4.
One thing to note here is that, for the probiotic bacteria to have optimal effect, you need to clean your mouth and tongue before using them. I read in a scientific study that they found probiotics had a significantly higher benefit when used after tongue scraping/brushing. I use both a tongue brush and then a tongue scraper, before I do the probiotic rinse. I also do not eat or drink water for at least 30 min after rinsing.
Within weeks of doing this, I noticed the bad taste in my mouth was gone, when I tried to search for it. My perceived 'dry mouth' was gone, and my saliva flow had increased significantly. I always thought I had dry mouth, but I came across scientific articles online which suggested that the bad bacteria is what was actually causing that feeling. Bad bacteria change the pH of your mouth and cause that taste and feeling of dryness. They reduce salivary flow.
I was encouraged by the results, and I then started doing additional research. There were other healthy probiotic strains out there that were good for the oral microbiome and for combatting bad bacteria. One that I came across was Weissella Cibaria. This bacteria is naturally found in the mouth, and can colonize it. L. Reuteri and L. Salivarius, on the other hand, are just passing through the mouth and do not stay there. Therefore, they can help the oral microbiome by killing bad bacteria, but do not have a permanent residence there. If you don't have a solid presence of good bacteria in the mouth, the bad bacteria that is wiped out can grow back. This is what happens when we use antibiotics. Sure, they're able to kill off bad bacteria, but even the small remnants can multiply back rapidly if there are not enough good bacteria to outcompete it. To get Weissella Cibaria, I found an oral probiotic lozenge that has a patented form called OraCMU:

• Weissella Cibaria Lozenge: https://amzn.to/3UH6ULR

Additionally, Weissella Cibaria is also present in probiotic foods like Sauerkraut and Kimchi, but UNPASTEURIZED only (pasteurizing kills all beneficial bacteria). I switched my diet to high in soluble fiber and fermented foods on a DAILY basis. This includes apples, celery, carrots, sauerkraut, kimchi, and yogurt. I eat a big bowl of some of these foods mixed up, at least once a day, for lunch. I also incorporated fiber gummies to ensure I am getting the adequate amount of fiber the probiotics need to grow in the oral microbiome (they need a type of fiber called fructooligosaccharides to prosper and grow).
I have gotten really big into fermented foods. I am constantly on the hunt for fermented foods and will try to have them whenever and wherever I can, as much as I can. They're not the most appetizing, and can smell pretty bad, but they are working to permanently shift my oral microbiome over time. I even got a yogurt maker off Amazon and began making my OWN L. Reuteri yogurt using a starter culture, half and half, and fiber powder (inulin). This will help create a lasting effect to permanently alter my oral microbiome to prevent bad bacteria from ever coming back.
The role of probiotics in curing oral imbalance cannot be understated. I have read multiple studies relating to probiotic research regularly, which has only begun exploding in the scientific industry in recent years. This is a really exciting time. After years of very limited progress on fixing halitosis, it seems that probiotics is the solution to combating the issue. One thing to note is that it takes time to rearrange your oral microbiome. It didn't get this way overnight. Getting out of it is the same.
In addition to populating the mouth with good bacteria, it is EQUALLY important to keep up with a regimen to clear the mouth of the bad bacteria, which must be done regularly and in parallel with the probiotic regimen. Every morning and night, I do the following routine:

• Tongue brushing with a Tung brush or orabrush (and go as far back as you can go)
• Tongue scraping with a metal scraper (as far back as possible)
• Brushing with Nano-Hydroxyapatite toothpaste which is beneficial for oral pH, removing biofilms, and mineralizing teeth. Some brands I use are Carifree and Boka -- https://amzn.to/44NGRav
• Flossing. I use the REACH Floss Stick.
• Tongue Brushing/Scraping again.
• Probiotic routine. For mornings, I do the powder. For evenings, I just take a couple of lozenges. I take the Weissella one, and/or well a Viome one that I have leftover from my Viome subscription. I also take them randomly throughout the day.
• Occassionally, I will use the SmartMouth Clinicial version of mouthwash for a nice cleanse of bad bacteria. There is a regular version and a clinical version, the clinical one is much more effective -- https://amzn.to/3ULAvUE . It is important not to overdo this because it can disrupt the good bacteria as well in addition to the bad.

Also want to emphasize the absolute importance of going to the dentist for cleanings as many times as your insurance covers. For decades, I did not visit the dentist, going years on end without cleanings. These treatments are essential for breaking up biofilms and plaques of all the colonies of bad bacteria. If untreated over time, they become more resilient and grow rapidly. They build protective shells around their communities which allow them to grow rampant and overpower the good bacteria of the oral microbiome. It is critical to go, and have the calculus and plaque disrupted and removed. Even if you don't experience relief from one or two cleanings, it needs to be done. It is the progressive effect over time that will cure the condition. Removing bad bacteria overtime while populating with good bacteria -- a one-two punch.
And that's about it. That's where I'm at now, and I will continue doing this routine for the coming year, because I have seen in the past how resilient this bad bacteria is. My goal is to continue hammering it down with probiotics, and not just to wipe it to oblivion, but to build a healthy diverse microbiome of good bacteria that will prevent it from ever growing back and out of control again. I still experience halitophobia - the fear of bad breath and reactions - even though I don't experience any. My mouth is moist and sweet. My saliva is flowing. But the fear of a reaction is a psychological condition, because it is what I've known for 20+ years. I hope to be able to shake it off over time through many positive interactions.
Good luck to all and God Speed!

The Communist captain gave me a disgusted look, but then I realized it wasn't me that caused him such disgust, but my bride behind me. I closed the comms channel. xenophobic dickhead.
The tractor beam interrupted the functioning of the gravity plates that had been installed in our brand new two hundred year old ship. They were supposed to work without power for at least twenty minutes. I had paid some attention to the briefing on the ship's systems, just not... really good attention, which was regretting Nyany let out yelp of surprise. She hadn't spent months in zero g training. I grabbed her hand and since I was still bolted to the pilot's seat I easily helped her into her seat where she strapped in.
"Thanks," She smiled at me and blinked slowly. "It's been a couple centuries since my zero-g training. Felidians do not do well in zero gravity."
We sat there for a moment holding hands, getting pulled toward the big grey communist warship, watching in silent horror. I squeezed her hand, and she squeezed back.
And then from every speaker in the cockpit, an alarm started to blare.
Torpedo Alert
A high speed flash of red, I'm guessing the torpedo, smashed into the great grey slab. It came from behind and above us, and very very close. The torpedo lodged right in the protruding tractor beam emitter, disabling it before it exploded.
The explosion rocked us backward and shook our relatively small craft.
Another torpedo seemed to come from our ship and hit the communist ship in the open hole the first one made before it too detonated. Then a visible energy shield appeared around the great warship.
We received a hail from... I hoped whoever was shooting torpedoes at the commies, the computer couldn't identify the source.
Much to my surprise when the viewscreen turned on it was Terriphany, she had clearly aged, but it was very much obviously her. I thought only tortoises lived to extreme ages, but what do I know about xenobiology.
"Terriphany, I assume you're the one who turned off that tractor beam for us?" I never expected to be so genuinely glad to see a woman I had been such as ass in front of.
"No time to explain, standby for coupling." There was a clang on our outer hull and her ship coupled to mine on the docking port.
"Captain Davis, Nyany, whoever is flying up there? Those communist humans are only gonna be disabled for so long. Be a dear and start flying us the hell away from here!" She sounded older too, but determined in a way the young woman from the hot tub hadn't.
Nyany grabbed the yoke in the co-pilot's seat and took control, she punched the throttle full forward and we dove away from our attacker. She aimed us toward the Earth, we had dropped out of the RarDrive at the L1 point between the Earth and Moon. My god, the Earth. It was a covered in a thick grey cloud from pole to pole. What happened? It wasn't this bad two hundred years ago.
As I sat there bewildered at the state of my homeworld, the hatch opened and a handful of slightly-more-human-looking-than Terriphany turtle people dropped in. I was at once reminded of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles...
"Hi Dad, Nice to meet you." The first one said. He had a thick bundle of cables in his very human looking hand as he leaned over the seat I was in, and popped open the console to quickly plugged it in. "We're good Mom!"
"Standby..." Terriphany talked past Nyany and me to, I guess our son? While she pressed a few commands on her console. "Alright, Nyany, could you aim us where that navicom is suggesting, and then push that big red button for us."
She aimed the ship up from my now grey world, and over the horizon. Nyany looked at me, and I nodded. She hit the button and a Rainbow assaulted us.
"Owww Fuck!" Said the adult turtle-man standing behind me.
"Leonardo, Language!" His mother chided over the intercom. "Now, come help your old mother down into that ship. I want to explain myself to your father."
Nyany and I got out of our seats. When I was on my feet the need to slap myself in the face with both hands. Nope. Awake.
"Are you okay?" Nyany's tail said she was no edge. I could hardly blame her. That was a very wild few seconds, and now we were off again, but with a bunch of turtle-people we'd never met before calling me Dad. I'm on edge too.
"No... who would be okay right now? I'm pretty far from okay." I am honest. "But I think maybe, eventually I'll be okay. It's just... a lot to process. We almost died."
"Well... lets go see what Terriphany has to say." She took my hand and squeezed it, I squeezed back.
And we walked into the back of the ship where Terriphany, my three children with her, and two of my adult grandchildren and one of their spouses were waiting, along with a clutch of eggs that I assume contain my great grand children.
"First things first, we installed a cloak so that no one will be able to find us, at least hopefully. I put all the money I made from Disney paying me to having your children from stored DNA samples into stealth tech research. I took the pinnacle of our designs and destroyed all the research and the entire company a week before we came here to join you. This is your eldest son Leonardo, the second to hatch was Rembrandt, and your only Daughter Sofonisba hatched third. Her children with a human man, Frank, deceased, are Artemisia and Donatello. Artemisia has laid a clutch that she made with her mate, Chelon. Donatello has yet to find a mate, we all hope he can do so in whatever future we find ourselves in."
Everyone waved one at a time and when she was done speaking, I nearly lost my legs. Nyany helped me find a chair. "Get him some water, please."
Sofonisba brought a glass to me. She looks a lot like me, how can a turtle person look so much like me. What the fuck Disney-corp, Captain Tanner, whichever of them was responsible for this... I actually needed to thank. My surprise family had really pulled my ass out of the fire. I splash myself in the face with the glass of water more than I drink it, but I did swallow a little in the process.
"Okay, so that's a lot. I have questions."
Terriphany gestured for me to go ahead. And all the kids found places to sit down themselves too. Nyany stayed standing behind and beside me, her hand on my shoulder.
"So what now? How much did Disney pay you for this? Was there some sort of reality show associated with raising them too? Is Disney even still around? Why are they all named after Earth's renaissance artists?" They came tumbling out faster than they could answer.
"Disney paid Mom plenty." Rembrandt said.
"Turtin' along with Terriphany, yes." Sofonisba said. "It put us all through college. Phd's the lot of us."
"Disney named the first three of us, and we just..." Leonardo sorta trailed off.
"...carried on the tradition afterward, I guess." Sofonisba took responsibility for naming her own children in the same fashion."
Terriphany's tone took a dire note when she answered his only remaining unanswered question. "As for old Disney corp... well, they fully captured the galactic government when they went properly interspecies in their executive level. It's the Disney Way now, not the Milky Way. Humanity on Earth rebelled against Disney rule and after it was deemed the citizens had too much hope to be properly profitable for the company, the planet was bombarded from space. Most of humanity retreated violently from capitalism after the blanketing of earth in that grey fog."
Nyany was smarter than me, she asked a very good question, "So why did they try to take us alive, and not just blast us out of existence while we crawled around the solar system at near light speed?
"Oh, because the RarDrive is a bomb that will wipe out half the solar system in a single massive explosion if it's disengaged early. Old Disney was smart and vicious. This is all in your contract Captain Davis, did you not read any of it?"
"People from my time don't really fully read contracts. Just press accept or sign and assume its fine."
"That explains why the kids are such a surprise to you. I wasn't the only one you know..." She hook her head in disbelief. "The other reason to not explode you, is that you are the richest single person in the galaxy. Captain Tanner invested a small portion of your funds into buying a rather intelligent investment AI to manage your resources, and it smartly paid to upgrade itself. As a result, It the we left your AI and Disney Corp were engaged in galaxy wide commercial and financial warfare, as well as some actual warfare in terms of proxy wards. Half the galaxy thinks of you as a hero, an the other half a villain."
Nyany gave me a little shake and whispered in my ear. "Earlier when I said It was hundreds of years since my Zero-g training, I meant... from my point of view. I'm four hundred and twelve earth years old." I think she realized I hadn't properly read her bio before starting the show, but I had, it said she was twenty seven, which I now realize must have been her planet's years.
"So... now what?" I asked again.
Terriphany smiled in her turtle way, "Well If the rumors are true, then only the living Relic, Captain Davis, In other words, You, my dear baby-daddy, can take command of the AI and give it new instructions. Its current objective is to "maximize profit for Captain Davis" and the main hub will hopefully still be at the star system about two hundred light years away that we're headed to at a turtle's pace. Feel free to take some time to think about what you want to do with that information, but I'll tell you what I think you should do if you want."
"Hit me, Terri."
She smiled, and I could almost see that twenty four year old turtle girl in the hot tub again. God I was such as ass. "I think you should tell it make the star trek future actually happen."
"Yea, I think I will."
A pretty good day later, we smashed through the rainbow above a beautiful blue-green orb.

CANCER ZODIAC TAROT READING - UNEXPECTED INCOME MAY 2024

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cJ5mIkLhCyY
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I'm currently living in Japan and feel like I should learn Japanese to make my daily life easier but I'm not personally interested in learning it. Sitting at my desk with my Japanese textbooks doesn't really excite me. I just have zero interest in the language knowing it's not something I'll even use when I go back to my home country. I like life in Japan and I want to learn it out of need but that's about it.
However, I love Spanish and really want to learn it. It's very useful to know in my home country, when traveling, and even communicating online. I have friends who speak the language and overall it's a language I love. I want to get to B1 level to start, which can take 3-6 months. However to get to the equivalent level in Japanese would take 6-12 months. Probably longer since it's a drag to study.
Is it better to work on the language I like now and get to Japanese later since I'll be able to get to the level I want faster or just tough it out with Japanese because of immediate need? I heard it's better to work on what motivates you but the fact that I live abroad...
I'm in Japan for work if you're wondering why I'm here.

This might be a long read so brace yourself ...
When I'm asking if I'm being in the wrong here I only mean in terms of accountability and in regards to the situation and not so much about the wrong or right itself and would like some insight/advice basically..
TLDR:

Mixed feelings about a girl I just been dating for a few weeks or so? We only met around 2 times in person since she's somewhat busy. I feel like I'm putting more effort and energy than receiving it but unsure if it's just because the other person prefer taking things slow but I can't tell because whenever I ask her if she's interested, she's always kinda deflecting the subject. She's going to be away for the next 4 months so I won't be able to talk to her and our last convo this morning was kinda awkward ..

Relationships Background: I met my first ex a few months ago and she gave me a speedrun of everything most couple would usually do after a few months and since I didn't know any better I just went with it since she was my first everything. It ended with her initiating the breakup after less than a month after 2 weeks of long distance after she came to visit me. She gave me the "it's not you, it's me" and "you are the first one to treat me right" (she had multiple partners). She was also a bit insecure and sensitive and needed constant reassurance.
In the case of [HER], all her exes are by products of one night stands which ended up into relationship because they all asked her for one to her surprised and she just agreed with them. She described as liking them but not really ever falling in love with them so I guess I'm the first one to be fall into that category. In [HER] case, she is highly confident about herself and in what she accomplish (makes a lot more money than the average person). She gets self gratification from making money even though she can just live off her parents wealth but she finds having nothing to do boring so she became independent.
With that in mind, here's how this story starts.
On April 3rd, I reinstall Hinge because I want to have some new connection after moving on from my ex. It's not until April 23rd when I match with [HER]. At first I was surprised since I didn't expect it so I express my surprised via text in which she later explained her side via a voice note saying that she thought I looked like one of her students so she was afraid someone would recognize her which is her fear so she never matched with me. (I sent her a total of around 4 likes because I used to delete my account and make a new one again and her acc would always show and she kinda recognize from that as well.)
After that, we just exchange a lot of voice notes talking to each other about stuff and things which later I ask if its okay for me to ask her to go out on a date at this point. She then explains she has some requirements before actually going on a date with someone, she prefers getting someone a little bit more and seeing if we're compatible before meeting since she finds it weird how most people would rush which I agreed.
From there, we talk a bit more via voice note where she asks me what's my definition of love and my concept of relationships which she said almost is the same as hers. She explained for her to fall in love for someone it would at least take her 5 years or so and that's after they're able to past the 4 stages of love described in her own way; honeymoon phase, difference, compromise and initial stage of love.
The next day we just talk some more via text and and voice notes till 2 AM and what not talking about random things and life. At this point, I thought we had some good chemistry or so. We later talk about our exes and stuff.
A few days later I then try and ask again for a date since it felt like we had established some sort of rapport and knew a bit more of each other. She then tells me more about her schedule and how busy she'll be and how she'll be traveling soon in the next 2 weeks for her school stuff. At some point she said she had a symposium she was organizing at the university and I asked if it would be weird If I came to see her.
She said she didn't mind but wouldn't have time to cater me since it would be busy. Please also note that up until this point, I didn't know her real name since in Hinge she's using some random name and I didn't really ask her about it since I guess she didn't want to but I figure me showing up to that event, I would at least find what's her name which I did.
Anyways day comes and I show up to the event, it's is a medium size classroom. I didn't recognize her at first since she had a different haircut. I didn't wanna intrude or anything so I just sat there listening to the event till the end. I didn't really get the chance to talk to her or anything by the end since they had an after party and whatnot so I decided to head home instead feeling somewhat weird? So rather than just heading straight home I just sat there on the subway train listening to music instead. I texted her saying I wished we could have spent a bit of time together but you looked so busy and what not.
After a few minutes later I decide to head out for a walk because I was just feeling weird, I then see a text from her inviting me to help with returning books to the library if I want to which I agreed. To my surprised she showed up with two luggages .. which we just walked around till we reach the library. From there, I got to finally meet her in person and talk to her for a bit. I thought we had a good time, by the end I walked her home and that was mostly. We just kinda waved to her each and say goodbye to each other. I was kinda thirsty that night so I asked her for water but she gave me some korean brand banana juice instead. I then later send her a text thanking her for inviting me to help her which she doesn't reply to.
She's usually only replies if I initiate the conversation first which then let me gaslight myself into thinking it's because she's probably busy .. anyways we text each other for a bit that night because I asked for her number later instead of using Hinge. I then get somewhat down bad and ask if I can see her again tomorrow in which she replies "what's the benefit of seeing you again tomorrow?" which I thought was funny but she was serious. She had to write her REB so I guess she didn't really have time.
It's then the weekend and on the morning of Saturday she invites me to join her to the library and then we can eat at some place later if I want to where she'll be busy working on some stuff. She emphasize that she'll be annoyed if she is disturbed while trying to get work done which I didn't mind since my work is online and I only need a laptop to work.
I showed up at the library a bit early and letting her know, she then tells me she's going to get some coffee nearby first and then meet me so I wait for her at the library. Around 30 min goes by and I start getting a bit worried because she still hasn't showed up and hasn't given me any updates at which point I text her if anything is alright or if she's safe and what not. I get no answers for a bit then later she texts me she's inside where I was on my way to the coffee so I go back inside and then we just sit near each other and focus on our work. I give her the same korean banana juice which I found later at some korean market I went by to buy before meeting her. A few hours goes by we then go to a japanese place by walking there so I get to speak with her for a bit which was nice. I then pay for the bill then walk her home and then again we just wave to each other and say goodbye.
At this point, there has been no physical affection or the sort. Her body language isn't really telling me she's comfortable so I'm not really going for it even though I'm starving for it. I figure she prefers taking things slow so I'll go at her pace. Again, I text her later thanking her for inviting me and spending some time together which I appreciate. She doesn't really reply and giving me back the same energy.
So constantly, I'm always wondering if she's interested in me or enjoy spending time with me. When I ask her about it, it most of the time gets deflected or maybe it's a language barrier and I don't always get what she means when she sends some of her texts if I'm being honest but for some reason I find it cute. it's not like she's playing hard to get but it's confusing to say the least.
Anyways, because of that, I became hesitant to make plans to see her again since she doesn't really people calling her on the phone either unless absolutely necessary she explained to which I joked saying if I'm about to die then I'll call you.
After that second "date". i just try to limit my interaction to texting her a few text daily or so because I just wanted to have some kind of interaction with her. At this point I realized this may or may not be a one-side interest but then I gaslight myself thinking, she's a busy person and still makes some time for me so surely she's interested in some way?.
After a week or so of daily interaction I decide to somewhat stop contact because I also wanted to focus on my stuff and perhaps explore my other dating options if any .. a week goes by and I never hear from her again until one day she just sends me a text that just finished working at some factory as an interpreter and that her phone will be temporarily be disabled because she'll be traveling.
I then expressed my surprised because I figured she had forgotten about me and whatnot. We then exchange a few text here and there, we both caught a cold and talked about how shitty the weather is here and stuff. Again, I'm always the one having to initiate or there won't be any contact .. like at all. So it's hard for me to know if the person is interested even when being asked so I'm left with just overthinking.
Anyways, I ask her more about what time she's leaving and what time and if she wants to spends the last 2 days eating out and spending time together and stuff.
She said she went to some resto the day before but it was busy and had no table because of mother's day. At this point, I looked up the resto because I wanted to make some reservation so we could go there but I stopped myself because I had no idea what kind of situationship this was and if I was putting more effort and not receiving any. So I ended up sleeping instead.
The next day in the morning she texts me she went back to that resto but found out it's only open on certain days for brunch so she was sad and we exchanged a few random texts from that.
then the next day, this is our last conversation this morning before she's away for the next 4 months ..
ME

Will I see you again after 4 months or this is goodbye..? I feel a bit envious of your exes because they all got to be in a relationship with you and meet the girlfriend version of [HER] and all I ever got seems to be the busy version that just sends me off saying bye bye and leaving me confused most of the time with her texts haha 😅

HER

? wtf you don at 6 am plus even boyfriends need to see me off for the summer. I only going for fieldwork, not leaving. don't worry, you will see me when I'm back

ME

I was trying to fix my sleep schedule and I ended up waking up early randomly and then you were in my thoughts idk What do you mean I'll see you after you're back, are you saying you want me to wait for you? 😭 I don't even know what we are, I figured you're too busy to think about that or me as an option so I'm left overthinking.. I would have wanted to see you off but I didn't know where we stand

HER

I thought you gonna visit yesterday since you asked

ME

I wanted to but I didn't know if you wanted me to since it seemed you wanted to go to [restaurant] I was gonna make reservations there but then I realized I might be doing too much because I don't know we're in a relationship or just buddies. Now you leave in one hour and I'm even more confused

HER

Can't you see the problem in your first 'relationship' is that you guys rush everything? In my opinion, you don't know how to form healthy relationships. Take it slow. If you want to see me, make plans. Don't moan afterwards this and that. I can tell you I have always been very busy even with boyfriends. I suggest you set goals and we can celebrate together once you achieve them. I will be back in September. You're welcome to contact me then.

ME

Yes I agree that rushing was the issue in my first but in this case it's more of a mutual interest and communication. From my perspective, it seems like I'm chasing you for some reason because I'm not getting the same energy that I'm sending out. It seems you only respond if I initiate first. I'm always left wondering if you actually want to spend time with me or interested. When I ask you about that, you seem to be deflecting instead of giving me a straight answer or tell me how you feel.. I literally have no idea what you feel most of the time aside from being busy

I can take it slow as a 100 years as long that I know the other person is also interested in building something together in the near future with me. I do want to make plans but it's hard to differentiate if I'm being used for my kindness or for attention when I receive no reassurance when being asked for it? Surely you understand the concept of return on investment.
Or maybe you're right, maybe I'm the problem idk..
HER

well, investment. I would say even my friends invest more on me than you, if you really want to argue that. I also think if we can't make good friends, we won't make good couples. If you rush things, I will retreat because I need my independence more than anything. Make you own choice. Do not talk like a victim.

I didnt really reply anything after that because well not sure how to respond after reading that so I ended up on reddit instead.
NEED OBJECTIVE OPINIONS/ADVICES? I consider myself pretty in tune with myself and my emotions but here I find myself a bit confused and I can't tell if I'm getting clingy or obsessive or too close to the situation to think clearly so I figured I'd make a post and hear some of yall thoughts on this to see if maybe I'm the one who still need to work on myself or maybe we're just not compatible? I guess it would also help me get some closure and not feel so shitty.
p.s if you made it this far, thank you for reading and hopefully you have some insight on my situation since I do not have that much experience when it comes to dating certain girls.
i also passively use twitter and saw this tweet that goes: I’ve noticed I don’t have an issue communicating. My issue is people’s responses . It’s the lack of accountability and the one-sided perceptions that I cannot tolerate.
And I thought that was kinda how I'm feeling right now but not sure ...

I met this Moroccan girl on Tinder and she wrote me first. We connected from the very beginning because we had similar interests, we talked the same languages, etc. In the beginning we texted daily and that lasted like a week. After that we decided to go on a date to a Karaoke (on a Friday).
First Date
The weekend before the date she stop replying so consistently, but when she replied she suggested to meet the Tuesday before the actual date to lunch together. Before that Tuesday she just wrote me the same day to confirm. The date was awesome. We flirt, we laughed and we connected. She told me, she couldn’t reply often because her laptop was broken and she showed me it doesn’t worked. And she was stressed because she had an important presentation in the next days. Besides, she visited his brother in another city on that weekend.
Before the Second date
The second date didn’t take place on Friday because she had to take care of her sister who was sick and who lives in a different city, so the date was postponed until the following Friday and she agreed. Nevertheless, she didn’t text me at all until the Wednesday before to tell me that she wanted to see me on Friday plus these emojis 😘 and she gave me her number. I asked her to confirm and she called me on Friday to tell me that she was sick, but she didn’t want to cancel the date because she wanted to see me.
Second date
The second date took place in a bar. It was amazing! We had a lot of fun, lots of physical contact and we flirted a lot too. Besides, we had dirty talk in the bar and we kissed several times. We listened to her playlist and sang songs together. Some people will ask themselves, why didn’t we have sex on that day? Firstly, because she was sick, she coughed and she had headaches (so I assumed she wasn’t ready) Secondly, because my apartment wasn’t completely clean and I hadn’t shaved down there. Usually I have sex ‘til the third date.
Now
Two days after the second date(on a Monday) I told her I had a great time with her and I wanted to see her soon. I asked when she had time, but she didn’t answer me. I called her on Wednesday but her internet connection was bad since she was heading to another country. We live in Germany, she was travelling to Belgium.
She told me she would return until Monday of the next week and we could meet. Last Tuesday we met by chance at the university’s restaurant. She hugged me, we talked a little bit. She asked me if I missed and I took a while to say yes, and she said the same. I asked her again, if we meet this week, but she said she was busy this week since she had to go back to his brother and she had to catch up on their presentations because she has been travelling a lot. she wouldn’t return before next Monday, but she say she would have time next week.
Thanks for your help!

I'm not doing great at the moment since it just happened. I don't like gossip or talking behind people's back. Ironic I know. This post is about whether or not I did the right thing. Please don't insult anyone else: my mom (umm), my wife (Annie), my dad (abpa), my brother (Barry), my sister (Maggie), my cousin (Frank).
Save your judgment for me. Context: I'm 35M. first born. I left home after a huge fight with my mom after college. I was homeless for a bit. We've since reconciled. But I suppose not anymore. There's history there.
I'm only posting to see if what I did was wrong.
All names have been replaced and are not real. Other details like dates and places that are personally identifiable will be removed/changed. There are two languages: I will always show the original and translate as fairly as I can.
It is relevant for fairness to share that my mom is 3 hours ahead of me. I'm west coast, she's east coast. (10am for me it's 1pm for her) My time will be shown in the messages.
I will keep all messages exact and unedited, outside of the above.
I repeat: DO NOT INSULT MY MOM OR WIFE OR FAMILY. am I the asshole. nothing about them. just me.
On Mom's Birthday:
Mom [10:43am] it's mom's birthday but nothing is here (original: 엄마 생일인데 아무것도 없어.) [10:52am] [Picture of kitchen island with boxed tonesunscreen on it] [10:53am] (Mom is/I am) really sad. This is what Annie sent me for a gift. $10-20 toiletries. Something I don't even use. (original: 엄마 많이 섭섭해. 이게 [name]가 보낸 선물이야. $10-20 짜리 화장품. 엄마 이거 쓰지도 않는데.)
Me [11:51am] She got the same thing she got for you and her mom. Throw it out and I'll make sure to buy something nicer for you.
Mom [12:03pm] If she or her mom got the thing then I should get the same thing. I'm not Annie or Annie's mom. I'm your mom. You shouldn't treat me like this. [12:07pm] Not even one happy birthday said. (original: 생일 축하한단 말 한마디 없이.)
Me [12:56pm] call (no answer) [1:11pm] call (no answer)
Next day:
Mom [5:10am] I didn't answer the phone yesterday because I felt like I'm crying. I don’t want to talk like that with you. When you got married Annie I tried to treat her as an our family member. I know I can not treat her same as Maggie (my sister). But last year she didn’t say any word on my birthday. Even you and I talked on the phone. I didn’t want so much from her just as a family say good word on birthday wishes. This year same thing. And you, when you asked me what can I do for you ( maybe you forgot that even you asked) I literally said “다른거 필요 없고 무슨날 엄마 밥이나 사줘” (translation: I don't need anything just buy me some dinner some time) I’m not asking you expensive things. Don’t say throw them out but nicer things. You really missed the point.
Me [11:28am] You were upset because I didn’t do something for your birthday by 1040am on a Workday. It’s not about expensive things but you want to text a picture of the gift and say it’s $10-20. You got a gift, but no card. It’s cheap but it’s not about money. Annie’s a family member, how could she not text. Right after she texted happy mother’s day to you. Yesterday before dinner, Annie tells me “make sure you call your mom it’s her birthday”. I didn’t tell her what happened because I don’t gossip and talk bad about people behind their back. I call or text and wish a happy birthday to family. Like I’ve done every year. It’s the same as what everyone does for me. Sometimes I don’t get a call. Sometimes I don’t get a text. Sometimes the call/text comes a day later. Never did I text my family members in the morning asking why people didn’t do more for me. I’ll make sure to let Annie know about wishing happy birthday to you. In my screenshot is my daily goals from yesterday, I was excited about this week. One of those things was, of course, calling you for your birthday, just like I called for mother’s day. Two hours later while I’m in a work meeting with my boss, 1040am, I get a text from you telling me about how sad you are from my wife’s cheap gift and how I haven’t said happy birthday yet. Yesterday I woke up and went to work, and planned to call you after. You have a habit of disproportionately trying to make me feel bad. You’ve done it on your birthday before many years ago after you and abpa[dad in korean] had a fight. I was a college student and you took it out on me cause I was the easy target. You’re an adult. Your child can call later in the day to wish you a happy birthday. It’s not okay to text trying to make your son feel bad about not doing something sooner. [11:29am] [Screenshot of whatsapp conversation between me and my virtual assistant] [Screenshot start] [8:13am yesterday] Goals for Today, I want to be disciplined. It’s been a few weeks now since my conference and because of the conference and drinking there, I became slow and lost the energy to stay on top of my diet/exercise and morning routines that I was so happy and proud of. Let’s get back to that this week. Let’s work hard, let’s continue to set sights on big goals. I want to work on the 3 projects I have going right now. [personal project 1 company idea], [personal project 2 company idea], and [current company].
Today I will exercise 25 situps, 25 pushups, 25 curls, 25 shoulder press, and 25 squats. Today I will finish a few [work things] for [company]. Today I will teach class for [project 2] finish [lesson], and let folks know that there will not be class on wednesday. I will call my mom later today and wish her a happy birthday. I will also be going to my brother’s to take care of credit card points so that we can buy tickets for [trip], let’s work hard today and get a lot done. [Screenshot end]
Mom [4:09pm] My birthday is passed last year and this year. She didn’t text or say anything these two years. You may think that’s ok but not for me. I just expect to acknowledge these days and congrat each other. Is that too much? I don’t expect anything from her. But you mentioned so proudly on Sunday that Annie send me TWO gifts. I just want you to know I’m very disappointed that you are ok with that gifts. That’s why I mentioned the price as well. My birthday and Mother’s Day are always near by. Sometimes same day or sometimes few day apart. Is that too much that I asked you more thoughtful gift from you? If you think that’s too much , forget about this conversation. I think I’ve never treated you like this.
Me [2:03am] You’ve treated me way worse in my life. You didn’t wait for a text. You wanted to text me to make me feel bad. You had a bad morning. Maybe a bad night. You didn’t feel like I cared or people cared. Or maybe something else happened. And you wanted me to feel bad.
But your happiness is not my responsibility.
Your birthday is not a free pass to send guilt tripping texts to me and expect nice texts back. Annie sent you poison? She sent you a 4.5 star tonesunscreen with thousands of nice reviews. She was just trying to send something nice. It’s not expensive. But you say it’s not about money? Then why are you crying about it?
No one said “happy birthday” yet? The day wasn’t over. Why text me only? Barry[My brother] didn’t call until 5pm.
No one else gave you a good gift? Or are you comparing it with gifts that you’ve given to Annie? Then you give revenge-gifts. If that’s it then don’t ever give Annie and I anything ever again. You just wanted a dinner? I’m on the other side of the country.
Should I text you on my birthday asking why my mailbox is empty? Should I ask abpa[dad] the last 20 years where’s my present? Should I try and make you or abpa feel bad on my birthday if I’m unhappy? No, of course not. None of those is how a mature person behaves. Because my happiness is not your responsibility.
“Just want a text to acknowledge and congratulate”. You didn’t wait for any text. You chose to start upset.
Why didn’t you text Barry? if it’s just the text of happy birthday? You scared of his response?
I know why you’re not scared of me. 5 years of therapy to learn the way you used me as an emotional punching bag.
Your birthday morning wasn’t the way you wanted. Your gift wasn’t the way you wanted. You didn’t feel like anyone cared. Whoever you talked to. Whatever happened. You were unhappy. So you sent those texts to me.
You try to make me feel bad when you’re unhappy with your life. Why? When you used to have a hard day at work. Bad [customer]. Bad traffic. Bad interaction with coworkers/boss. Bad talk with abpa[dad], grandma, Frank hyung(older cousin who lived with us). Who do you think received your anger for no fucking reason? If I did all my homework, played [instrument 1], practiced [instrument 2], got good grades, did all my kumon(after school homework) did you know it doesn’t matter what I did, if YOU had a bad day?
If I’m watching tv, or playing a game, if you have a bad day, then my day has to be a bad day. Because people around you can’t be happy when you’re miserable. Not people that you can control. And controlling me was all you had. Even as I got older. Not allowed to leave the house.
You couldn’t control the language or culture out of the house, you couldn’t control grandma, frank hyung, or abpa in the house. your whole life, you couldn’t control too much.
So you controlled what? me. a kid. And as soon as hitting me didn’t make me cry you just tried to control my emotions to make me cry.
2010 May [day retracted]. Fight with abpa in the morning, he leaves the house. So you go down to the basement to yell at your son for not getting you a cake.
Junior in college crying, guilty in the basement buying you cake. That’s what you wanted. Someone you controlled. Someone to be miserable because you were miserable.
5 years of therapy in my late 20s to learn you’re the reason I don’t notice when women step all over me. I grew up used to it. Bad women relationships, weak sense of self, emotional abuse, angry all the time. Parents like you made Asian Americans the least likely to become managers in the USA (context: I became one in my later 20s). No confidence. No inner strength. Just quiet private anger. A young man clenching his fists, holding his tongue, and listening to orders.
Constantly blame others, blame myself. Always angry. Always yelling at [dog1]/[dog2], always trying to control them when I’m upset. Critical of everything, everyone, myself, never feeling like I’m enough or okay. Because growing up I was constantly on the receiving end of anger that I didn’t create. Don’t talk back. Don’t look at the eyes. Look at the wall. Never right. Always wrong. But every year I’m fixing that a little bit. Why? Because now I’m responsible for my own happiness.
I refuse to stay a bad dad to [dog2].
No more blaming, just thinking and working. being confident. fighting back. defending mself. speaking out. Looking at people in the eye.
Yesterday you didn’t feel good. So I was the one who did something terrible for your birthday? Hmm. I was going to call just like Barry did. You’re sad about the gift? You feel like no one cares. Why is it that I’m the only one that got those texts. You think your message was going to create apologies and happy birthdays from me? No. I don’t think so. You just wanted me to feel bad. Because you felt bad. You like controlling me. And affecting my emotions.
It’s why I left home many years ago. And you still have old habits. You wanted me to feel bad. You did the same thing talking about the [old project] community a few years ago. When you don’t feel happy. You try to make me feel bad.
But I’m old enough to know now that I didn’t do anything to deserve that yesterday. And you’re not allowed to step on me like that anymore. I’m not some weak 21 year old that’s crying in the basement buying you cake. I told Annie not to call. Your negative behavior is not allowed in my life.
Every day I work to undo things from my past. You’ve stepped on me your whole life. Made me a very scared, very angry young man. People like that never make it in the world successfully. They have all kinds of problems. But I want this to be very clear. I am going to be successful. I am going to be a [retracted]. I am going to make a positive difference in this world for those who are positive to others. And It will be despite all that you’ve done to me. It will happen because I will surround myself with peace, and positivity. Not negativity and manipulation. Through peace and for others, I will work harder than you or abpa or anyone you have ever known has ever done in their entire lives.
But If I don’t make it, that’s on me. If I’m unhappy today, that’s on me. If I lack something today, that’s me. I have to choose to be better. I have to work harder. Cause I’m responsible for my happiness.
You can choose whether or not you want to be negative or positive person moving forward in my life. That’s your choice. You want to step on me? Try to bring me down when you feel down? That’s your choice. But it’s my choice whether or not to let you be in my life.
you being unhappy yesterday morning. That’s you. That’s your choice. Acting the way you did. trying to make your son feel bad. That’s all you. You’re responsible for your own happiness. I didn’t do anything yesterday to deserve your texts trying to pull me down.
This is my last text about this. This conversation is over. Say one more thing about this that doesn’t resemble an apology and I’m not going on the [family trip]. Keep telling me youre an “innocent victim” “all I wanted was a happy birthday text” and you won’t hear from me for years. Be responsible for your actions. I have no room for your negative emotional manipulation in my life.
Mom [7:14am] Annie…. Very first gift from her was well known brand toner. That gave me bad skin reaction so I had to throw it out. I don’t want to talk to her about it because I appreciated what she wanted to try. But next time when I saw her in las Vegas I told her that her sun screen lotion ( what she used at that time) gave me a bad reaction so I can not use it. Last year when Maggie gave her 화장품 (toiletry) as a birthday gift she said that thanks but she can not use it because she has allergic reactions. Which is understandable but she’s still doing same thing to me. I don’t know who mentioned about good reviews or you found out your self. That doesn’t mean it’s good for me. She and I didn’t talk that much anything so far only few subject. I feel like she doesn’t care. I don’t know why you guys decided to send gift more than a month before. And how you said she send me two gifts made me so upset.
Barry… Barry and I talked about our birthday on the phone last week how it was good at last year’s dinner. He planned but eventually Appa paid( I mentioned who paid because you don’t get wrong info. ) and the way he always said skipping one year is not end of the world. We laughed about it. And he said next time we gonna have a good time. He called at 5 pm on my birthday I know as soon as he woke up he called me.
You mentioned why Barry is ok. Did I scare him? Come on… he is not saying nice words all the time but he is very thoughtful person. I think you agree with this.
You… I really sorry that you have all bad memories about me and your youth. I can not go back and I can not fix it now. I’m thinking back that days if I can live again maybe react little differently like I treated Maggie. As a first child you had a lot bad experiences. I agreed. But don’t say your life was miserable because of ME all the time. If you think this way there’s no reason to see me. I’m really happy to see, hear and feel that you’re working hard, being healthy and having enjoyable life. I want you to be a healther, happier and more successful person than right now. That’s no matter why we talked about right now. But I really want to make a point that don’t say I had bad morning or bad night before that’s why text you like that. Maybe you’re right. I had bad night before. After talked on the phone with you (as I told you before ). I felt disappointed so much. You keep saying you felt bad because of my text, why I didn’t wait? Calling to me is part of your daily plan. You keep saying I made you feel bad because I had anger problems or bad days. You’ve never thought about “what did I do wrong or did I miss anything?” You said you away from me how can I buy dinner? Same as easy to buy on line ( by Amazon) any merchandise. There’s tons of way to offer , you can make a reservation any restaurant or even you can send money 100- 200 dollars. Maybe I’m wrong but I don’t think it’s going to hurt you financially. Last year I waited until last minute that Annie would text me any word. No. That didn’t happen. If I waited until you call this year what’s the difference? I want more than hearing your voice is too much. Sorry that I think that way. And not being adult I ordered Rolex watch for next years your birthday gift and I was so excited about it. Maybe that’s why I’m expecting more than what you’re in mind about me. You are right. That’s all my problems.
[7:45am] If you don’t want to come [familytrip] , don’t spend time with family I can not force you to come. But don’t say if I don’t apologize you don’t come. Is new way to threaten? Come on [my name]. This is really too much.
Me [10:02am] There’s a difference between threats and boundaries. No one is allowed to be in my life to spend their energy trying to bring me down. Who would do something like that? My own mother. No we aren’t going on the [trip]. (context: all the tickets and arrangements have been purchased, this isn't some cop out, it's non-refundable, nothing to do with money on anyone's side)
You want to continue the conversation after I said I was done? Actions and consequences: Annie and I are very unthoughtful and uncaring to give you a skin care gift again. I’ll tell her exactly what happened. I’ll have her read every message. And understand what we did wrong. I’ll make sure we feel terrible today. I’ll make sure she remembers it forever. I will make sure my wife cries for your sadness and for our mistakes. We’re a bad son/wife who don’t care about my mother’s birthday and mother’s day. Your message has been fully received. We will feel sorry, we will cry and we will feel bad for you. I will struggle to work for my job. I will struggle to do my projects, and teach my students, I will think all day and all night about how sad this is. About this conversation, about our gift, about your gifts, about the phone call, the texts, mother’s day, your birthday, my birthdays. last year your birthday when we were in [another country]. I will struggle to eat and sleep properly. I know Annie and how sensitive she is. She will struggle and cry too. Your son and his wife will feel terrible about your birthday. Your message will be successful. You’ve brought the world down around you. Congratulations. Just like old times. Everyone is sad now. "You’re right.”
I will say one last thing as your son: be careful about hurting the people around you when you have a bad day. If you keep tearing the world around you down, there isn’t going to be a world left.
You and I are not going in the same direction.
I’m trying to learn how to be positive, hardworking, successful, strong, encouraging and helping others. Trying to be a little more positive everyday. Maybe I will never get there. But I will try. You want to spend your time fixating on me saying “two gifts”. You want to spend your time staring at the boxes, and sending pictures. You want to spend your time comparing, looking at costs, pitying yourself and telling people around you how terrible they are on your birthday. I guess that drama is something you want. Not me. You and I are on different paths.
After Annie and I cry for what we did. My boundary is this, I will never let you do this to me again. That will be the last scar. We will remember every year on your birthday, and remind ourselves how terrible and uncaring we were. I will remember that you wanted me to know and feel that. Every year I will remember but that will be the last scar you ever leave on me. You should return the Rolex. I will never use it, I will never wear it, I will throw it out instantly. To me it’s a poisonous gift. Don’t ever give me or Annie any gifts for the rest of my life.
We will smile and not forget that those past gifts were given out of your care and thoughtfulness. We will remember you did your best and wanted to do nice things in your way. but we will be sad with you. And be unable to use your gifts because your gifts comes with weight, revenge and paybacks. And we cannot accept them. You did everything right. You’re a good mom. We are just bad people. We never earned them or paid you back in our thoughtfulness for them. All gifts you have given me and her, we will stop using today.
I will not be receiving your messages anymore. Goodbye
[Blocked from phone/all social media.]
AITAH. Reminder do not talk bad about anyone else. I'll delete those comments. This is just about whether or not I did the right thing.

Husband and I are nearly 2 years married this month. Every time since we married he rejects all my massages (pre marriage he liked them) he has never offered me a massage, refuses when I've asked and completely stopped oral sex once we got married and living together. The last time he did oral was the day before we got married lol.
Last week his neck was hurting and he mentioned it several times so I said I'd massage it for him and then he he blurts out, 'I'm so arrogant', is this an odd response?
I once asked for a foot rub and he said, 'you're not pregnant, why should he', he said that's the only time he would do it. Why should only a pregnant woman get a massage from her husband lol. My love language is touch I told him this. I like giving massages to show I care.
I've also noticed he plays video games until 1.30am and plays it again first thing very early in the morning for hrs before work and has started using his spare phone when he games and took it with him on his work trip away. I questioned him about the phone he said he has his passwords on there and photos, not sure if thats a good enough excuse. I wouldn't mind but he's just emotionally disconnected... I've asked him to go to couples councelling with me but he says they don't have appointments through his insurance with the military.
I'm starting to wonder if he is using me for military benefits without offering any real connection. I also initiate sex everytime otherwise we just go to sleep. He also never had a gf before meeting me at 27 years of age and says he's introverted. I feel like if I never initiated sex we would never have it.
If someone doesn't initiate sex ever, or never offers massages or never likes to receive my massages, is this a fair deal breaker in marriage? In the past ex partners loved my massages and would return them so it then became my love language so now it's confusing to not have that.
Can someone really be that introverted, or is he not attracted anymore?

Last encounter with a male was around august 2023.. unprotected oral and anal. Tested negative in december 2023 via blood sample for stds .No symptoms other than covid/viral infection in april. Now question is , is it still possible for an outbreak? Even though its been 7 months down the track?

CANCER ZODIAC TAROT READING - UNEXPECTED INCOME MAY 2024

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cJ5mIkLhCyY
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I got into a really good college in California but had extreme social anxiety and crippling fear of public speaking (came from very abusive and toxic family, which I'm sure attributed to me developing SA) that I couldn't take the required foreign language course. I know this class required class participation, including oral presentations. My biggest fear! At that time, I didn't know what SA was so didn't know to seek help. So, I didn't graduate. It was the last course i needed to get my degree. I couldn't face telling my family about my disorder so I pretended I graduated. My counselor told me i could walk the stage and my name would be in the booklet of graduates since I only had one more course to take. Big lie.
So my family attended my "graduation " and lo and behold my name was not listed in the booklet. I almost died in my seat when I didn't see my name. I walked the stage and pretended to be happy but wished I could disappear. My family realized I didn't graduate after all but didnt say anything and we had a "celebration" dinner in silence. Most horrific, embarrassing, awkward moment of my life.
Fast forward 17 years later. I educated myself about SA, got on medication, went to therapy and went back to my alma mater to take the foreign language class. I passed the class and finally got my degree! However, I still had panic attacks and anxiety being in the class, it was more manageable with medication. I was soo thrilled I finally graduated but had no one to celebrate with because I never revealed this most embarrassing secret to anyone. I now realize I'll always have SA. Just different degrees of it. It's definitely better since I've been on medication and I know that I'll have to be on it for the rest of my life in order to function in life.

~First~
Not Exactly Hidden
The sound of old bones creaking is the result of him finally sitting down and straightening a little. He twists his cane around and gently presses the head into the torso of the woman that just tried to sneak up on him. “Really now, we don’t have that kind of relationship, you can talk to me like a normal person.”
“I understand Daiju-San, I just want to inform you that I’m going to watch your conversation.” Madam Stepanova says as she forces away his cane with surprising force. Or perhaps not so surprising, she’s been out into the wider galaxy once already, it would not surprise him in the slightest if she was already doing something to restore herself the vigour and power of her youth.
“I doubt your old boyfriend is going to be where my grandson has ended up. No doubt he’s stirring up trouble in that very British way of his.” Koga Daiju, father of Koga Daigo, grandfather of Koga Daiki and Koga Daini remarks and his cane is pushed back into him with enough force to slide him down the plush leather of the couch somewhat. He pulls his cane back and she sits down next to him.
“Do you remember when we were both assigned to stop the deviant?” She asks and he chuckles.
“Yes. To be honest I knew he was hiding among the sumo-wrestlers I just figured it would be impossible for him not to get thrown out by the larger men. I had a lot of... how do you say it? Egg on my face? Yes, a lot of egg on my face when I learned that day how quickly he makes friends.”
“So it was your fault.”
“Yours as well, you could have told me the man could charm anyone.”
“There was a language barrier a mile wide and a cultural barrier at least twice it’s size! It shouldn’t have been possible!” Madam Stepanova says before growling. “Not that he didn’t pull that sort of nonsense off on the regular. We didn’t speak much afterwards, but I understand you received additional orders to let him go?”
“He uncovered a source of corruption and quite literally cut it out while fighting off the effects of deliberately improper fugu. After that it was determined that he would either no longer be a problem, or was not a priority problem any longer as he was departing and there was quite the mess he had revealed.” Daiju says before turning a pointed look to Madam Stepanova. “Of course, it’s not like YOU weren’t a massive problem to deal with as well. While I understand that weapon smugglers dealing with certain cults in our country were indeed an issue for us both, random buildings imploding with the dissected corpses of your enemies inside lead to quite a few sleepless nights.”
“Oh, you mean like what you gave my division when high ranking administrators were panicking at the sight of their own shadows, insistent that they were being stared at through them?”
“I fail to see how Gaijin superstitions are my fault.” Daiju notes with a warm smile.
“And I fail to see how the poor building practices of your country are mine.” Madam Stepanova replies primly. After about a minute they both smirk and look away.
“I’m going to call my grandson now. If you’re going to listen in, then I request a lack of commentary.”
“Since when have I been the type to give commentary?”
“Age, youth and I assume Axiom as well, all change people.”
“Like how you became a voyeur in your old age.”
“I simply lack a reason to avoid appreciating the lovelier side of things. Beauty is to be appreciated after all.” He says as he leans back a little and uses his cane to bang on a few buttons. A holographic interface shows itself and he spends about a minute slowly pecking at the long sequence of numbers for his boy. “Now then, mind your manners Madam.”
His teasing only earns a light scoffing before the screen lights up. Daiju moves quickly to make sure he adjusts his glasses at the exact same time Daiki does. His grandson pauses and so does he. Moves to the side and Daiji mimics the movement. Including several more shifts until Daiki holds up a hand and there is fire within it.
“Still learning to do that.”
“Grandfather! You’re alive!”
“Yes, when my time came I went to the western countries so I could challenge their reaper to go rather than chess. He wasn’t too practised with it, so I bought enough time to escape.” Daiju says and Daiki raises a skeptical eyebrow.
“So I can expect you soon then?” Daiki asks.
“Sooner than you think.”
“That does not help.” Daiki replies.
“It’s all you need.” Daiju says with a fond smile before nodding. “Now, how is this village you’ve told me about?”
“Our population has ballooned lately. There are many children underfoot.”
“You scoundrel! Tell me everything!”
“Not like that!”
“And much of my interest is now gone.”
“Even if I tell you it involves a blood feud centuries old with two noble houses butchering each other down into poverty even as they interbreed and turn from merely murderers to kinslayers in the process?” Daiki asks and Madam Stepanova leans a little closer at that revelation. “Grandfather.”
“Yes?” Daiju asks.
“I will never call that evil creature grandmother.” Daiki states and Madam Stepenova cackles at that.
“Grandson! Surely you understand I have better taste than that!” Daiju protests.
“Yes, but I also know that at your age, senility can be a thing.” Daiki says in a regretful tone and Daiju puts a hand to his chest as if wounded.
“My own blood! Turning on me!”
“I am merely concerned for your health grandfather. If your mind is so far gone as to woo so wicked a witch then there is so very little I can do for you. Little more than perhaps a mercifully swift...” Daiki says solemnly and Madam Stepanova cackles again even as she stands up and leaves the room.
“Put the knife down young man, or I’ll find a way to thump you from here.” The very amused Daiju says and is met with the much younger version of his smile from Daiki. “She’s gone now, well done.”
“Thank you.” Daiki says. “Now as to what bloated the village, our mutual friend Vernon, on his sappy romantic way, stepped into the middle of a centuries old blood feud and things got interesting in a hurry. Many of the details can be skipped, but the Forest Kami decided that the feud was a foul thing and intervened. As I am bound to it as it is bound to me I became part of it, and now the children of both the Barlis and Harkul clans are living as one group here. Forced to intermingle.”
“That’s... that’s one way of doing it!” Daiju says after a moment of consideration.
“It gets better.”
“Please continue.”
“Part of the way the families made war with each other was taking advantage of how rare and valuable men are.”
“Kidnapping?”
“Indeed.”
“Oh! And it led to the interbreeding. Quite literally one family with two names and an increasingly pointless feud... Oh! Tell me that there were some members who were known by different names to both sides and they were forced to try and fight themselves.”
“Not quite that crazy. Just a lot of stupid. The children still get into fights with each other across Barlis and Harkul lines... or rather they try. The Forest is powerful and ever watching. Any attempt to hurt each other just fails.”
“Fails how?” Daiju asks and suddenly Daiki is a few inches to the left without moving. “Shunshin?”
“Something like that. It’s called woodwalking and since they’re in the woods, they’re subject to it.”
“Woodwalking?”
“Teleportation is well known the galaxy over. But woodwalking is unique. It cares not for distance, it cares not for energy. It’s sensation is unique to those that understand how to feel for it, and it always leads back to The Forest in some manner.”
“This feel for Axiom. Can you teach it? From this distance?”
“Oh? Has the master become the student?”
“In the end a Master is merely the best student. And this student always seeks to learn.” Daiju says fondly.
“Very well, everyone Undaunted had a basic guidance. But... get comfortable.”
“Already done.”
“Good. Then turn your eye inwards. You’re already IN the Axiom. It surrounds you, it has merged with you. With every part of your clothing, with the cane in your hands. Your skin, your hair, your bones and muscles and organs. All of it. The gravity returning distracted you with the sensation of your muscles needing to work again, but there is something new. Something that you’ve been fooled into thinking is normal. Something that feels old, but is new.” Daiki explains
“And it is nowhere specific?” Daiju asks.
“It is everywhere, in everything.”
“In everything...” Daiju notes as he closes his eyes and feels. “It responds to thought?”
“It does, words and gestures can help but are not needed.” Daiki says and Daiju nods before suddenly moving his arms in gestures. After the third there is a brief flicker of flame which he catches. He holds onto the fire and brings it in front of his face before gently blowing on it. The flames grow and dance within his hand as a smile crosses his face.
“I believe I have found it.” Daiju says as he has the fire shrink and then dance along the back of his knuckles.
“Well... damn.”
“Oh come now grandson. I’ve just told you that I’ve learned to learn. And I’ve spent three of your lifetimes learning how to better learn.” Daiju notes before he catches the tiny rolling fireball and crushes it into a wisp of smoke.
He then breathes a small tongue of flame into his hand and nods as it responds just as eagerly. “This will make setting things on fire much easier. Thank you grandson.”
“I’m still a little annoyed you had so easy a time with it. I needed to have someone directly hand me khutha to get it.” Daiki says.
“Well as they say, youth is wasted on the young.”
“And wisdom is lost on the old.”
“Hey now, no turning my smug superiority around like that. Respect your elders boy!”
“You’re not an elder out here grandfather. Oh no, outside of Cruel Space you’re an irresponsibly young parent who sired an equally irresponsibly young parent.” Daiki says wagging a finger at him. “For shame grandfather! Siring a family so young!”
“Young he calls it...” Daiju says with a very amused smile. “Well, if I’m such a bad influence then I’m sure you’d to chastise me in person.”
“Yes, get over to Serbow as quickly as possible you’re on Genin training duties.”
“Oh no! However will I survive teaching children how to move and think and observe their surroundings! To think of my own grandson turning one of my favourite things into a punishment! The deviousness of it all!” Daiju keeps his tone so devoid of sarcasm in his comment it actually loops around to being sarcastic again.
“That’s what you get. You will be placed in a mountain village hidden beneath the branches of a mighty forest, surrounded by snot nosed students on all sides, forced to eat freshly hunted game and harvested crops on the daily and made to show your secrets!”
“Oh no! Mercy please!” Daiju is no longer able to keep the amusement or sarcasm from his tone and both Koga devolve into a half snickering laugh.
“I missed you grandfather!”
“I missed you as well my boy!” Daiju replies with a bright and earnest smile. “I really did fear I wouldn’t get the chance to speak with you again.”
“I...”
“No no. Just listen.” Daiju says and Daiki quiets down. “Do not feel ashamed that you chose the stars. What you did was courageous and necessary, bold moves are required to find new and better things. There is no shame in that boldness. I am proud of you, as is your father and mother and sister. Our family is blessed to have so brave and dutiful a child.”
“Thank you.”
“Good. Now that that’s out of the way, back to the topic! I was worried I would never get the chance to speak with you again! It was strange that I always got on better with you than with your father or mother. Or my own siblings. Strange minds think alike do they not?”
“Oh they certainly do, especially when they hear the call of...” Daiki says before clasping his hands together in a mudra and smoke erupts around him. Daiju starts to laugh even as Daiki reveals he is now hanging from the ceiling. “Ninja!”
“I’ll show you the call of ninja boy!” Daiju says through the laughter.
“No call of Ninja. Not call of Ninja Boy.” Daiki ‘corrects’ him and there’s a huff from Daiju.
“Is that the level of humour you’re going for? Something that simple?”
“Simple is effective.” Daiki says. “Making things more complicated is just asking for trouble.”
“True, but speaking of complication how difficult is it to master that trick where the elderly reinforce themselves to be stronger?”
“Just will the power through yourself for a basic enhancement. It usually helps as practice to think about a great hero or champion you want to emulate. Batman is a popular pick when The Undaunted were just learning how to do so.”
“I see. So if I simply focus on how...” Daiju begins to ask before he suddenly sits up straighter and gives his cane an expert twirl. “Ah! I’m twenty five again! If you’ll excuse me, I need make an old woman pull out her hair in frustration.”
“Try not to blow up the ship grandfather.”
“I’ll get to an escape pod first, I assure you.”
“Oh no!”
“Oh yes!”
~First~ Last

I have recently read Soldier of the Mist by Gene Wolfe and I think it's just perfect for fans of Hades.
The protagonist is a soldier in Xerxes' army during the Persian war who receives a brain injury in a battle, looses all of his memory, cannot create new memories older than a day, and has to keep a daily diary just to know who and where he is. In turn he can see the gods and mythical beings and interact with them. He is a barbarian and writes in a language which is not Greek, with his own personal descriptive and quirky names for the cities and gods.
The story is him trying to discover who he is and where he's from while travelling within this foreign land (Greece) and interacting with powers both supernatural and worldly.

,, From John to the seven churches that are in Asia: grace and peace to you from Him who is, and who was, and who is to come; and of the seven spirits which are before His throne; And from Jesus Christ, who is the faithful Witness, and the Firstborn from the dead, and the Prince of earthly kings, who loves us, and washes us from our sins with his own blood; And makes us kings and priests to God and his Father; to that glory and country for ever and ever. Amen."
Rev. 1:4-6
John is a witness of Jesus Christ who testifies to the word of God. the testimony of Jesus Christ, and everything that Jesus showed him and he is now sending the testimony, i.e. the Revelation to seven churches in Asia Minor. We can read who John is sending to in verse 11, where we have written the names of the churches to whom John needed the Revelation to be sent.
"And write what you see in a book, and send it to the churches that are in Asia: to Ephesus, and to Smyrna, and to Pergamum, and to Thyatira, and to Sardis, and to Philadelphia, and to Laodicea"
Rev. 1:11
Apart from these churches that are mentioned here, there were other local churches, but the Lord Jesus chose seven representative churches that had different problems that symbolize and represent the period of the church until the coming of the Lord Jesus for it.
In addition to these churches, the Revelation was given to all people, especially the church throughout history, and of course also to us in order to learn the details of the events that will soon begin to unfold, because the signs of the times indicate that... the end times" are near.
"Whoever has an ear should hear what the Spirit is saying to the churches."
Rev. 3:22
Jovan continues with the greeting, "Grace to you and peace" and this greeting is not from him because he cannot give grace and peace, true grace and peace can only be given by God and here practically as if he said, "Grace to you and peace from Lord Jesus Christ" the savior, because salvation and everything we receive from God is at the expense of the Lord Jesus Christ and it is a gift, because none of what we receive is a free gift. How important this word is in the New Testament is also evidenced by the fact that the great many books of the New Testament begin with the words "blessing you and peace" in the greeting sentences.
If there was no grace, practically no one would be alive today because all we deserved was death, but we are alive because of the grace and grace of God and not based on any of our merits or actions.
Everything we have in our physical, physical life is God's grace, and also all spiritual life and salvation is by grace from God whom Peter calls the God of grace.
"And the God of all grace, who calls you to his eternal glory in Christ Jesus"
1 Peter 5:10
"Because you are saved by grace through faith, and it is not from you, it is a gift from God. Not from works, so that no one can boast."
Eph. 2:8-9
We see that we are saved by grace, but that is not the end, we need to continue to grow in grace and in the knowledge of the Lord Jesus Christ.
"But progress in grace and in the knowledge of our Lord and the salvation of Jesus Christ."
2 Peter 3:18
"Because the grace of God that saves all people has been shown, teaching us to renounce the impiety and desires of this world, and to live honestly and righteously and devoutly in this world."
Titus 2:11-12
Here we have advice for an honest worldly life, and we also have a promise that we will receive grace if we find ourselves in some kind of trouble or perhaps illness.
"My grace is enough for you; for my strength is made perfect in weakness."
2 Cor. 12:9
"Let us therefore approach freely to the throne of grace, to receive grace and find grace for the time when we need help"
Hebrews 4:16
In the context of those advices for an honest life, there is also a Record about to whom God gives grace.
"...for God opposes the proud, but gives grace to the humble."
1 Peter 5:5
and in Jacob, God adds and says that he gives greater grace than problems
"And He gives a greater grace. Because he says: The Lord opposes the proud, but gives grace to the humble."
James 4:6
"Grace to you and peace" here is first grace and then peace, and that is because peace is the result of grace. We get peace when we are in a good relationship with God, which means that we are born again and live according to God's will.
"Therefore, having been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ."
Rom. 5:1
When we have this peace with God, we are safe in God's hands and God will never throw us into hell because of our sins because the Lord Jesus died on the cross to redeem us and make us righteous, it is up to us to trust God, confess our sins and live according to the will of God.
"And I will give them eternal life, and they will never perish, and no one will snatch them out of my hand."
John 10:28
Now that we are this safe and reconciled with God, God gives us another blessing Peace from God and this is something that someone who is not at peace with God will never get, and we need this peace every day in our lives, and we don't think and worry about the daily problems, we already enjoy communion with God who is close to us and who cares for us, we see from the whole verse that we just need to ask in prayer and finally give thanks.
"And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, to guard your hearts and your thoughts in the Lord Jesus."
Phil. 4:7
"The Lord is near. Do not worry about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving that your requests may be answered by God."
Phil. 4:6
,,...Grace and peace to you from Him who is, and who was, and who is to come; and of the seven spirits which are before His throne; And from Jesus Christ, who is the faithful Witness, and the Firstborn from the dead, and the Prince of earthly kings, who loves us, and washes us from our sins with his own blood; And makes us kings and priests to God and his Father; to that glory and country for ever and ever. Amen."
Rev. 1:4-6
Below we see where grace and peace come from. Grace and peace is not a human creation as many try to portray or try to bring peace in some way through various activities or actions. We saw that grace and then peace come from God, and here we see that three times it is written that they come "from" the Father, from the Son and from the Holy Spirit.
Also in these verses we see that God is eternal because it is written, from Him who is, and who was, and who is to come" and similarly it is written in 4:8
"Holy, holy, holy Lord God Almighty, Who was, and who is, and who is to come."
Rev. 4:8
And now we could say this differently, God who has always been God until now, God who is God now and God who will always be, therefore, eternal God.
Here is another confirmed confirmation of what we said with a slight difference, it does not say "which will come" because here in the 11th chapter events from the future are described which are already here, therefore "future" is at this moment "present" and here we see the confirmation that in the Revelation the future events are still described for us, but John saw them as the present or even the past when they were shown to him, that's why it says "you will be" and not "which will come."
"We praise you, Lord God Almighty, who are, and were, and will be"
Rev. 11:17
Here is something else from the 16th chapter where we see something similar but it is written even in the past tense, that you judged this "so these are events from the time;; when the Lord Jesus came" for us it is still a perspective of the future but for John it was a perspective of the present, this is what today's modern reporters would say, "a report from the scene"
"You are righteous, Lord, who are, and who were, and holy, that you judged this"
Rev. 16:5
It goes on to say,,, and of the seven spirits that are before His throne"
This refers to the Holy Spirit, but it says "seven spirits" because seven is the number of perfection, fullness and completeness. Here, in fact, the fullness of the Holy Spirit is described because in Isaiah it is written about Jesus:
"And the Spirit of the Lord will rest on Him, the spirit of wisdom and understanding, the spirit of counsel and power, the spirit of knowledge and the fear of the Lord."
Isa 11:2
In several other places, the number seven is mentioned in relation to the Holy Spirit.
"And he said to me: What do you see? And I said: I see, behold, a candlestick all of gold, and a cup above it, and its seven jars on it, and seven funnels for the seven jars that are above it, and two olive trees by it, one on the right side of the cup and one from the left. And I spoke to the angel who spoke with me, and I said: What is it, my lord? And the angel who spoke with me answered and said to me: Don't you know what it is? And I said: No, my lord. And he answered and said to me, saying: This is the word of the Lord to Zerubbabel: not by force or by virtue, but by my Spirit, says the Lord of hosts. What are you, great woe, before Zerubbabel? Ravnica; and he will bring out the highest stone, with exclamations: Mercy, mercy to him. And the word of the Lord came to me, saying: Zerubbabel's hands founded this house, his hands will finish it, and you will know that the Lord of hosts has sent me to you. For who has despised the day of small things? Because he will rejoice when he sees the measuring stone in the hand of Zerubbabel, those seven eyes of the Lord that cross the whole earth"
Zechariah 4:2-10
Here, from the sixth verse, we conclude that it is about the Holy Spirit, "not by power or virtue, but by my Spirit, says the Lord of hosts."
"And I saw, and behold, in the middle of the throne and four animals, and in the middle of the elders the Lamb stood as if it had been slain, and it had seven horns and seven eyes, which are the seven spirits of God sent throughout the world."
Rev. 5:6
Here we have seven spirits and seven eyes that refer to seven aspects of the work of the Holy Spirit that brings us God's graces, that is why Paul could write in the first Corinthians:
"The gifts are different, but the Spirit is one. And there are different ministries, but the Lord is one. And there are different forces, but there is one God who does everything in everything. And in everyone the Spirit appears for the benefit; For once the word of wisdom is given by the Spirit; and to another the word of understanding by the same Spirit; And to another faith, by that same Spirit; and to another the gift of healing, by that same Spirit; And to another to work miracles, and to another to prophesy, and to another to discern spirits, and to another different languages, and to another to speak in tongues. and he has many members, and all the members of one body, although they are many, they are one body: so is Christ"
1 Cor.12:4-12
"And from Jesus Christ, who is the faithful Witness, and the Firstborn from the dead, and the Prince of the kings of the earth"
We have seen the entire Revelation that it is from the Lord Jesus to the church for encouragement, and here it says, "Faithful witness," and that is what the prophet Isaiah prophesied many years before
"Behold, I have given him as a witness to the nations, as a leader and commander to the nations."
Isaiah 55:4
and faithful because God is faithful and he can be unfaithful
,,,, God is not a man to lie, nor a son of man to repent. What does he say he won't do, and what he says he won't do?"
Numb. 23:19
"And so know that the Lord God is your God, a faithful God, who keeps his covenant and his mercy to a thousand knees to those who love him and keep his commandments."
Deut. 7:9
"And he raises the horn of salvation for us in the house of David his servant, as he says through the mouth of his holy prophets from the ages that he will deliver us from our enemies and from the hands of all who hate us; To show mercy to our fathers, and to remind ourselves of our holy covenant, the Curse with which he swore to Abraham our father that he would give us"
Luke 1:69-73
"God is faithful who has called you into the community of his Son Jesus Christ, our Lord."
1 Cor. 1:9
"No other temptation shall come upon you but that of man; but God is faithful, who will not let you be tempted beyond what you are able, but will also make an end with the temptation, so that you can bear it"
1 Cor. 10:13
"He who called you is faithful, and he will do it."
1 Sol. 5:24
And in Revelation it says more
"Thus says Amen, the Faithful and True Witness, the Beginning of God's creation"
Rev. 3:14
The Lord himself practically confirmed that he is faithful and that he came to testify to the truth
"I was born for that, and that's why I came into the world to bear witness to the truth. And everyone who is of the truth listens to my voice"
John 18:37
"and the Firstborn from the dead" here this does not mean that Jesus was the first to be resurrected because we read that there were people who were resurrected before Him but they later died again. Jesus was the first to be resurrected in a glorified body and He more he never did nor will he die, this part of the verse refers to these facts.
,, And this one, since he remains forever, has an eternal priesthood. That is why he can forever save those who come to God through him, when he always lives to be able to pray for them."
Hebrews 7:24-25
"and Prince over earthly kings" prince means ruler. Lord Jesus is ruler and prince from the beginning to the end, from creation to eternity, He is the faithful and true one from eternity, He is the firstborn in the glorified body and He is the eternal ruler and prince , He is King of kings and Lord of lords because he writes.
"And he has his name written on his robe and on his bosom: King of kings and Lord of lords."
Rev. 19:16
"He will rule from sea to sea, and from the river to the ends of the earth."
Psalm 72:8
"All kings will bow down to him, all nations will be submissive to him."
Psalm 72:11
"Who loves us" Jovan continues and says that God loves us permanently and does not say that he loved us, because then that would mean that he once loved us but that he may not love us now for some reason. we would not have permanent security of salvation because it might happen that Jesus returns and God returns at that very moment and we are left behind as they say, "we were unlucky". "so all the time, not sometimes or sometimes. He loves us all the time and that's because of the grace we talked about, we didn't deserve anything, neither salvation, nor the forgiveness of sins, nor life by grace, the only thing we deserved was to throw us into hell and that would be deserved because we do mostly what we shouldn't do. And not only does he not punish us, but makes us emperors and priests.
,, And from Jesus Christ, who is the faithful Witness, and the Firstborn from the dead, and the Prince of earthly kings, who loves us, and washes us from our sins with his blood; And makes us kings and priests to God and his Father; to that glory and country for ever and ever. Amen."
Rev. 1:5-6
Jesus loved his own even in the most difficult moments before going to the cross, we read in John:
"And before the Passover, Jesus knowing that the hour had come for Him to pass from this world to the Father, as He loved His own who were in the world, He loves them to the end."
John 13:1
and this greatly impressed Paul, so he wrote:
"That you may understand with all the saints what is the breadth and length and depth and height, And know the love of Christ that surpasses reason, that you may be filled with all the fullness of God."
Eph. 3:18-19
and this love of Jesus cannot be understood by human thinking, this is God's love that surpasses every mind.
"Because I know for sure that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor present, nor future, nor height, nor depth, nor any other substance can separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus , to our Lord."
Rom. 8:28-39
"And wash us from our sins in your blood" unlike a while ago where it is written in permanent time, now we have a part that has been completed in the past and that is finally there are no more new washings, once all the work Jesus finished and that happened on the cross of Golgotha ​​where we are redeemed once and for all by the blood of the Lord Jesus Christ. Of course, we need daily cleansing in the form of confession of sin, but not complete washing.
,, Jesus said to him: He who has been washed should not wash only his feet, because he is all clean; and you are clean, ..."
John 13:10
"And the blood of Jesus Christ, His Son, cleanses us from all sin."
1 John 1:7
So the blood of Jesus cleanses us from every sin and God will never mention what he cleansed again.
"And their sins and their iniquities I will no longer mention."
Hebrews 10:17
"And make us kings and priests to God and our Father" of course this is also by grace because this is unimaginable for us humans. We know what we are like and what we like to do, but still God does not deal with us according to our mistakes but makes us kings and priests.
"And you are a chosen race, a royal priesthood, a holy people, a people of gain, to announce the benefactors of the One who called you out of darkness to his strange light"
1 Peter 2:9
We therefore became the emperor's priests and now we all have direct access to God based on the merits of the Lord Jesus, unlike the people in the Old Testament where only the high priest had access to God once a year in the Holy of Holies and he did not have that access without a sacrifice that he had to make sacrifices.
For us, that sacrifice is the Lord Jesus Christ, and based on that sacrifice, we have constant access to God.
"To him glory and the country forever and ever." Amen." And now at the end, John wants to say that eternal glory, praise and power belong to Him who has given us so much grace and grace.

Since my previous post was removed due to language and ranting in a violent way, here is a revisioned version:
I often feel overwhelmed by anger and frustration, which seem to be triggered by even minor negative experiences. It feels like a suffocating cloud that makes it hard to enjoy life. For example, a simple act like a cashier being rough with an item can set off this intense anger in me. Despite my efforts to calm down, the feeling simmers all day.
This constant state of irritation feels like I'm always on edge, bracing for the next annoyance that might tip me over. It makes every small inconvenience feel like a personal attack, and I'm struggling to find joy in my daily life. I really want to change this but I'm unsure how to break this cycle. Does anyone else experience this? How do you manage it?
Reflecting on past experiences, I've faced significant challenges, like being bullied in my teens for being gay, which left deep emotional scars. I’ve been let down by people I thought were friends, which only added to my distress. Despite seeking therapy, it often feels like my feelings are dismissed rather than addressed, which is frustrating. It's led to feelings of isolation and the need to leave environments where I felt unsupported. How do others deal with past traumas and the feeling of not being heard?