How to shoot up a perc

I am not the OOP. The OOP is u/Guilty-State-807 posting in AmIOverreacting
Ongoing as per OOP
1 update - Medium
Original - 9th April 2024
Update - 10th April 2024
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My daughter knows nothing about her partner
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My daughter (21f) started dating her current boyfriend about 2 years ago. She had just broken up with her ex who she was with for 4 years, so I thought maybe it was a rebound and wasn’t too worried about it. But as time went on, their relationship became more serious than I thought it was going to be. My daughter was happier and more energetic, started eating better and actually started to take care of her health so that she could be better for him.
So I wanted to get to know him more, which in my head seemed pretty reasonable, since she is my daughter. But when I talked to her boyfriend trying to get to know him better, for whatever reason he was very vague, and even seems dismissive about the topic. I thought that maybe he was just shy so asked my daughter about it, but she told me that he doesn’t really talk about him self a whole lot and even she didn’t know a whole lot about him.
Besides his few hobbies, the only things she really knew about him was that he is either currently serving in or working with the Military, travels a lot for his work, speaks at least 4 different languages fluently, grew up without parents as an orphan, and where he lived. And as a mother, the fact that my daughter didn’t know much about her partner was an issue for me.
He wasn’t active on social media or anything so I couldn’t go the old name search route, so when I learned that he was either currently serving or working with the military, I asked my father, a retired vet, to talk to him. But after my father had a conversation with him, he told me that her boyfriend is fine and that I shouldn’t overthink it, without any further discussion.
In fact, he supports their relationship and they seemed to have become pretty close, spending time together talking in the garage, going out for drinks and food, watching old movies and even going shooting together. I feel like I need to know more about him since he is by daughter’s partner, but I also don’t want to ruin anything because I can tell my daughter is happier with him than she has ever been. I’ve even considered private investigator as an option, feel like that’s going a bit overboard. Should I just accept him for now and expect more details later, or what should I do?
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Edit(1): I was never going to hire a PI. I just mentioned it in my post just to show the severity of my worry. And it IS possible for a parent to be worried about their child without any other hidden agenda. I was once her age and all I want for her for her to live better life than mine.
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Edit(2): I’m 46 years old. I haven’t really tried to force him to tell me everything about him to me. I’ve asked him twice over the years and both times he just dismissed the topic. For people asking me what languages, I know he speaks English and French because those are the two I speak. My daughter has seen him speak Spanish and she has mentioned that he has been teaching her German. My father has mentioned that he thinks he might know either Dari or something else.
And for everyone saying that he is a guaranteed super top secret government person, I think chances of him being a conman with a secret family half way across the country is higher than him being Jason borne junior. My daughter has on multiple occasions expressed the discomfort of not knowing much about what he is doing, but she told me she is willing to just accept it and go with it for now.
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Comments
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OnePercUnderGod
in the military, speaks 4 language and is vague about personal life, just throwing it out there maybe his work is security sensitive
edit: just read he has no social media presence. Yeah dude is definitely doing cool government shit lol. I had a friend who worked for the pentagon who sounded identical to what you’re describing, still don’t know what he actually does to this day

OOP: Thank you honestly this is one of the few comments that makes me a feel a lot better. I don’t with to be controlling, because I’ve been my daughter’s age so I know how I felt when my mother wanted to know EVERYTHING about my life. My only worry was that my daughter knows barely anything about him

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Update - 1 day later
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Screw all of you who told me that I’m a narcissistic nosy helicopter parent. I talked to my daughter last night about my concerns. I told her that I’ll always worry about her, even she does and up hating me or pushing me away. When I told her about my concern about her relationship, I expected her to hang up or get upset at me, but instead she broke down and cried a little bit, because she also sometimes feels those worries.
She told me that although he does make her happy, she feels that they haven’t really grown any closer or made any progress in the relationship, and the fact that she still didn’t know a lot about his life made her overthink and stress herself out. She also told me that she had thought maybe that was cheating on her or something since they didn’t have a sexual relationship (my daughter is abstinent), but he showed no real signs of cheating.
We talked on the phone for about 3 hours, and she decided that she will invite the boyfriend over to my house this Saturday and we can ask him to tell us anything he CAN tell us. We don’t plan on forcing him to say anything he can’t. At the end of the call, my daughter told me that she loves me, and that she is lucky to have a mother like me that worries and cares about her.
I also talked to my father, and told them that although I love and trust him, I still would like to know more. He wanted to know why, and I told him just in case if the boyfriend IS a conman, what are the chances he might be able to BS his way into my father’s safe zone. He thought about it for a while, and decided that I had a point and that he didn’t want to take those chances if there was any. So screw all of you who said that I was being an overbearing, bossy, and controlling mother who will end up getting cut out of my daughter’s life!!! Because my daughter thinks I’m being perfectly reasonable and she is glad that I care about her.
Alot of people on the previous post told me that he could be a special force/operation/seal/3 lettespy. I honestly feel like if that really was the case, then he should be able to tell us a cover story, or just tell us that he can’t talk about it, rather than just dismissing the question awkwardly when it comes up. And he wasn’t just doing that to me whenever any member of our family or my daughters asks him a question or something to try to get to know him, he shuts it down.
And seriously life isn’t a movie. There’s a higher chance of him being a weirdo who is secretly hiding a family halfway across the county than the chances of him being Bond and borne’s love child.
And to the one redditor who told me that I should try to seduce the boyfriend, No. Just no.
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Edit (1): no it wasn’t my plan to interrogate the boyfriend. All I mentioned to her was my discomfort of the fact that she knew so little about her boyfriend. My daughter was the one who came up with the idea of talking to him about it because she has the right to at least try to talk to him about as his girlfriend. And then she asked me if I wanted to be there just to support her and I agreed, since I was planning on baking cheese cake for my daughter that day anyway.
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Edit (2):some people mentioned that my attitude towards some of the comment changed compared to my first post. That’s just because I ignored it at first but I remembered that I could return the same tone and attitude I receive from others. And yes according to some comments I could definitely be a bitch. But fortunately for me, my father didn’t teach me to be a little bitch.
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Edit (3): idk like to make it clear it people that I didn’t make my daughter go for abstinence. I wasn’t abstinent and neither was my husband. And we aren’t involved any religion or philosophy that promotes abstinence. My daughter decided that she wanted to be abstinent after her middle school sex-ed because she “didn’t want to be a kid with a smaller kid”. And no we aren’t in any school district that promotes abstinence to kids.
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Comments
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bwompin
you know what, this is a decent update. Nobody went nuclear and ended relationships, no one made accusations. Just be civil and respectful and remember you're there to be emotional support more than to be an active player in the conversation
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W33P1NG4NG3L
As someone married to a submariner that had top security clearance when he was in the Navy: yes, even if this dude is in Seal Team 6, he can at least tell her his job. Doesn't have to be specific. But linguistics, IT, special ops, infantry... he can also tell her his rank. So if he won't even tell her those, he's lying. He either isn't in the military at all, or he's got some boring, paper-pushing job. Good job trusting your gut and taking care of your baby!
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I am not the OOP. Please do not harass the OOP.
Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments

This is my venting throwaway. A few friends and family know my main account but I don’t want them to know how really destroyed I am.
My older brother has been everything to me. He’s 6 years older than me, our birthdays only 2 weeks apart, and he basically was the father figure to me til drugs took over him and won. I would say the addiction truly started when he was 17/18. He’s 32 and I’m 26 now.
My older brother and I have different dads. His dad was a POS and abandoned him when my dad came in the picture. Then I was born. My dad basically abandoned us too but was more around than his. We basically stuck together since then. My brother actually the one who named me.
My brother has been doing any kind of downer since then. Dope, percs, fenty, any pain killers. He’s been in and out of prison and rehab since he was 18. I’ve watched my brother shoot up in front of me. Saved him from an OD countless times. No one knows how much I did for my brother growing up because they would prevent me from seeing my brother.
In 2021, my brother got out of jail after doing 6 years in state max pen. He stayed cleaned, met his wife and had a kid by 2023. We had kids basically at the same time, my nephew and my twins are only a month apart.
My brother stayed clean for about a year and relapse in December 2023 and no one knew but I seen the patterns and signs. No one wanted to listen to me.
The last month and a half have been a mental fucking hell for me. Watching my brother being treated like shit by his wife, watching my brother grow more skeleton like… watching him wrap his arms in legs in compression wraps because he keeps shooting up and think he’s bleeding internally. I watched him freak out and scream in pain. He constantly lies, steals, takes advantage of my grandmother countless times. My brother refuses to talk to me and I know it’s because he doesn’t want me to see him like this.
Yes, I’ve told him how I felt and how “his little sister needs him and I love him so much” but the addiction is too strong. He doesn’t want to get better. He doesn’t want to be clean. He doesn’t give a fuck about anyone but himself. He was never like this…
I’m watching my brother basically die, and he doesn’t care. My little brothers don’t even remember how our Older brother use to be. I do though. I remember how amazing and loving my older brother was. Now, he’s a hollow shell of someone I use to look up too. I even gave my kids my brothers first and middle name as their middle names. I truly feel more lost every day.
There’s no helping my brother until he wants help for himself, but that’ll be too late when he realizes it. I’ve been going to therapy for the last year to deal with PPD but honestly PPD isn’t even my main source of depression anymore. I wish I could have my brother back. I love him so much…
To anyone who is losing or has lost a sibling or a close family member to addiction, I’m sorry. This pain is unforgiving, traumatizing, and leaves you so empty.
I miss the old you, d. - Love, your little sister.

Okay, I know this sounds crazy but hear me out. I absolutely love this game but the one thing I think it is missing are more endgame crises. It just gets a bit stale to always have the same 4 repeating itself over and over. I couldn't help myself to think about what other crises there could be and this is probably the most unique one I came up with. It got to fleshed out so that I had to atleast share it somewhere, and I would like to hear other people's opinion.
It will introduce a new enemy faction unique to the crisis called the "Schlinger " (German for gluttonous eater). The story is that a meteor falls from the sky somewhere on the map near a noble house, preferably in the wilderness which lies between the noble houses. From this meteor these new enemies will spawn and their numbers will increase untill you can meet them everywhere on the map but less likely the further you are from the meteor. After a short time the crisis will start. This meteor will serve as a hive for the new faction which is a feral extraterrestrial species.
These "Schlinger" are heavily inspired by the Tyranids from 40k or the monsters from the movie The Great Wall. They are basically giant ant like bugs which aim to consume as much biomass a possibe in order to grow and spread. The hive is divided into a strict hierarchy, on top of which sits the queen which births all members of the hive. The Schlinger are not intelligent but communicate with pheromones they can expell and the hive has mechanisms to react accordingly to threats/situations without actual intelligence. For example, if workers have problems while hunting or were often repelled from an area they expell pheromones in the hive which triggers the queen to birth more warrior forms which then follow the pheromone trail to the area that gave the workers problems.
I will first list the different troops of this faction and how the army would function.

• Schlinger Worker

The majority of their troops would consist of weak "workers". These are the standard lifeforms beeing bred in the hive. They are very versitile, take care of the hive and queen and are more than capable in hunting in the surrounding area for food. But they instinctivly shy away from dangerous fights in which they dont have the advantage as this would be a wast in biomass for the hive.
They can attack 2 times and and have low moral(40), health (70) and Mdef(10) but decent Mskill (70, after day 150 they get 75). Very low armor (10 head, 20 body). They have the backstabber perk and do comparably low damage. They are designed to be weak and run away fast but you encounter them in very large numbers and they get more dangerous depending on what other units fight with them.

• Schlinger Spitter

The Schlingers equivalent of ranged units. Bred to hunt flying creatures or assist in battles.
Those bugs have low moral (40), health and ranged defence but higher armor just enough that a heavy crossbow cannot normally oneshot them. Their ranged attack is very different because they don't shoot projectiles but spit high corrosive acid. Those shots will target primarily the armour of your bros but will not do much damage (high armor effectiveness but weak armor ignoring damage). They have 60 ranged skill and are therefore not the best shots but come in higher numbers. They can only attack once per turn.
Their danger comes more from the support they bring when they destroy your bros armor. Counters are your own archers which can pick them off quite easily and without moral buffs they quickly start to run away.

• Schlinger Warrior

The warrior class of the Schlinger which is bred when the hive faces strong opposition and needs specialized soldiers. They also give up pheromones that overrides the inbuild instincts of lower Schlingerforms to run away if they think the enemy is a to dangerous target.
They are pretty strong with 2 strong high damage attacks, high Mskill (80), average Mdef (15) and good armor and health (250 body, 200 head, 175 hp) They have high moral (90) and a skill that gives a big moral buff (+50) to the workers and spitters in a 2 tile radius. The main weakness are just strong bros that have the skill and equipment to kill them.

• Schlinger Commander

In cases where the Schlinger face major organised opposition, the queen will breed those Schlinger types which fill the role of generals or comander. They are bred with specific glands that expel pheromones that activate specific behaviors/skills in the DNA of the Schlingertroops.
This type of bug is a pure supporting enemy type. Each round he buffes all Schlinger troops in a 6 tile radius with one of different types of buffs (only one at a time). One could be all Schlinger get +7 melee and ranged skill, another that all get the overwhelm perk. Another one buffes the defense by 10 or extra damage ignores Armour. Also, all Schlinger Workers and Spitters in the 6 tile radius get a big moral buff by default similar to the buff by Schlinger warriors. His weakness is that he is completely helpless in combat, can't even attack and low Mdef + Rdef(5/5 after day 150 15Rdef) He has decent Armour though (170 head/200 body) and will always be protected by atleast 1 warrior.
The main counter is to snipe him if you have good archers or to somehow slash your way to him and kill him.

• Schlinger Stalker

Their most elite unit. If the hive recognises that they are face strong organized opposition, they will also bred this type of bug. This Schlinger serves a assassin role in the Schlinger army, eliminating leaders and figureheads to weaken the enemy's morale, and one the battlefield high profile targets so that the weaker soldiers can overrun the enemy army.
They are very mobile and can travel 6 tiles a turn. Low armor and health (lets say 70 head armor, 120 body armor and 100 health) but amazing Mskill (95), defense (50Mdef/25Rdef) and initiative (130).They don't do that much damage (40-45) but can attack 3 times when they start next to you. They also have overwhelm, doge, footwork, backstabber, underdog and 40% damage ignores armor.
The way they work is that they first observe the battle for a few rounds and than either try to flank you and get into your backline to massacre your ranged/poleam bros or pick one of your strongest bros that holds the line against the bulk of the army to kill him specificly (which will can happen really quick even to high tier bros because of his high stats and backstabber which works amazingly with the whole swarm aspect of the Schlinger faction)
They are comparable to bladedancers but probably even deadlier. Their weakness are nets, lots of nets, and firepots which prohibit his movement. Because they are so strong it is rare to encounter them if it is the first crisis but if it's your second or third you have a real challange when you encounter more than one with a big army to support them. Due to him beeing specificly breed to be more independent from the hive, he will not benefit from buffs from Schlingercomanders.

• Schlinger Royal guard.

The Hive lives and dies with its queen. So in every hive specific Warriors are bred with the sole purpose to keep the queen save.
They are an upgraded version of the Schlinger warrior which you can only encounter in close proximity to the hive or in special missions. Has a range of 3 tiles on his moral buff to the lower Schlinger troops and has in generall more health (230), armor (300 head, 350 body), melee defence (20), damage and moral (150) but lower initiative and the same melee skill. They have the skill Battering Ram (stun immunity) and berserk. Also, as they are already the pinnicle of what the hive can breed as soldiers, they will not profit from the percs of Schlingercommander.
Overall, the Schlingerfaction is a swarm faction which tries to overrun you with weak troops. These normal troops dont do much damage but hit alot due to their high Mskill, numbers and backstabber perk. They can overwelm and encircle you if you are not careful. But those troops also die very quickly and are quick to flee. So they are dependend on a number of bigger, stronger supporting troops. Your main goal when fighting them is preventing to be encircled and killing those supporting units as quickly as possibe. Without these the normal workers and spitters will flee very quickly and you have won. Also, they will test your skill of knowing where to strike and movement controll of the enemy.
But of course fights will differ and you can also encounter Schlingergroups compromised of more "elite" troops where you have to adjust your strategy.

• Loot

Claws: each Schlinger can drop a unique claw which can be sold at every city or stronghold at a fixed price, so the price never changes. This reflects that the nobles startet a program aimed to inspire people outside of the army to hunt and kill them. 50 Gold for Workers+Spitters, 200 for Warrios, 300 for Schlinger commander and 400 for Royal Guards and Stalkers.
Schlinger jelly: All Schlinger have a organ in which they store a nutrion rich jelly made from biomass. They are beeing fed said jelly before leaving the hive. This jelly is very rich in nutrions and will keep them going for days before they have to return to the hive. Sometimes they can drop this jelly which gives you a valuable fooditem that lasts for 50 Days or can be sold for a high price.

• Crisis specific contracts.

-> Destroy new hive.
Here the nobles tell you that the Schlinger started to build a new hive and want you to destroy it. You would have to travel to a location and destroy a royal larva which has low stats and cannot move or attack (it is just a helpless larva which would grow into a queen by time) but is very far on the other site of the battlefield so you cannot just snipe it. You face an army of Schlingers with atleast one royal guard.
-> Destroy the biomass.
The nobles explain you a bit how the Schlinger operate. First the workers and warriors overrun an area which they think has a lot of biomass and kill everything. After that a specific type of Schlinger called schlinger consumer enter the area, eat all the corpses and make the biomass into a highly nutritional rich jelly which they store in membranesacks on their backs. They then slowly transport them back to the hive and feed it to the queen and the rest of the hive. I imagine them looking like big ticks that are full of blood but their sacks are transparent and you can see the orange jelly.
Your task is to kill a few of them (2-4) before they can reach the hive. They are protected by a small army. They are very slow and can only walk 1 tile per turn. They have also -100 Mdef. + Rdef and can't attack. They will try to reach the end of the battlemap from the beginning of the battle in order to flee. You have to kill their escort fast enough to reach them before they escape. You will only get half of the money when one escapes and none if half or more escapes.
-> Weaken their numbers
Very simple contract, you just have to kill 5 roaming groups of Schlingers. But on higher difficult contracts the nobles will reveal 2-3 groups which they want to be killed specifically. Those have stronger troops.
-> Support the Army.
Scouts have revealed that a large force of Schlinger is approaching the civilized realm. The nobles want to meet and kill them out in the open before they can overrun the countryside. You will have to support an army in the same style like in the noble war crisis. But not only the nobles fight against them. Having heard about the danger of the Schlinger the southern citystates and even barbarians have send aid.
You have to travel to a warcamp, it will only take one day untill the final battle and on the first day you will either have to kill a few Schlingerscouts or one/three (depending on your strength) Schlinger Stalkers which were picking of soldiers one by one. After that the main battle starts. You are not only supported by noble army soldiers but also by southern army soldiers and in rare occasions even barbarians. It will be a very large scale battle.
-> Assault on the hive.
Having weakened the hive enough the nobles can finally go on the offensive and plan an all out assault on the hive to kill the queen.
This Contract will only be available at the near end of the crisis and will end it definitely. It will always be 3 skulls. Your task is to be the tip of the spear. You have to follow multiple allied noble, southern and barbarian armies to the central hive. Multiple strong Schlinger armies will spawn and attack you but your allied armies will engage with them and therefore, give you the opportunity to slip through. You are supposed to ignore these battles and go strait for the hive where a special boss battle will trigger.
You will have to fight against the Schlinger queen and face a strong opposition of Workers, warriors and multiple royal guards. All other Schlinger variants can also spawn aswell. As long as the queen Is alive all Schlinger troops will always be on confident moral. The queen is a disgusting giant maggot like creature compromised out of multiple segments (like a lindwurm but like 15 segments). It is completely immobile and cannot attack, has very high health (2500 but no armor). Is Primary segments are its head, which is the only place where you can hit the head, and the end which is used to birth during the fight. The rest of her body are slimy tube like segments. All segments besides her head take 30% reduced damage. Her head is always shilded by a royal guard and has 10 Mdef. and Rdef. but a all other parts have -10 Mdef and Rdef. Her endsegment is a birth opening which spawns either three workers or one warrior each turn (if too strong maybe every 2 turns?) You have to kill her in order to win.
After the crisis ends, the queen is dead and cannot produce another royal larva so the Schlinger are destined to die out. Over the next 30 days you can still encounter roaming Schlingers but it will become exponentially more rare. In very rare occasions a nobleman can still ask you about killing a group of schlingers after day 30 but after 60 days there is no way to encounter them again (exept if the crisis starts again)

And I'm tired to pretend it's not.
I'll add a second controversial opinion: against bots it's on par with the railgun in terms of efficiency and the choice comes down to personal preferences.
I've been using the AMR for most of my playthrough, only recently switching it for the railgun and now I'm re-switching to the AMR for bots.
I keep seeing a lot of misinformed takes on this subreddit concerning the AMR, some of which so out there that I can only imagine that someone used it for two missions, whiffed all of their shots, and came to the conclusion that it's the weapon, not their aim.
For starter, IT. DOES. PENETRATE. MEDIUM. ARMOR. That's like its single, greatest perc. It's what make it so good against automatons. And yet I keep seeing people saying "it's such a shame the Anti-Material Armor bounces against medium armor". How the heck are you managing to bounce against medium armor.
The only thing I can see is that it depends on range. During my playthrough I discovered the AMR loses some penetration power at range. I was training on killing Hulks, and one of my shots bounced. When the Hulk got closer (and still, it wasn't THAT close, I was still out of its range), I got it in two shots. Now like I said, while range does matter, it's a non-issue. All range an engagement realistically takes place in, the AMR can pierce. The only time it can't, is when you are too far for the enemy to notice you so you shouldn't take the shot anyway.
The AMR can reliably kill devastators in one head shot or 2-3 body shots, excepted shield devastators because the shield is heavy armor. Still, you can shoot their backpacks for a quick 2 hit kill. It can two shot Hulks if you shoot in their red eye socket thingy, and the hitbox is way larger than you think. It's basically a square bigger than your crosshair. It can also reliably dispose of bile spewers, brood commanders and hive guards in one head shot, the last two having medium armor on their heads.
The AMR can't reliably kill chargers, because it doesn't penetrate heavy armor. Hence why the railgun is mandatory on bug missions. It's also unreliable against stalkers and berserkers. While it can one shot both, they will usually be too close and move too much to make it reliable. But hey, great news, the breaker makes mince meat of them.
Now, I completely understand the argument of "I don't have time to aim my shots to hit weakpoints when the railgun does the same regardless where I shoot", that's the personal preferences I was talking about earlier. I, myself, prefer the larger mag and the quick responsiveness of the AMR over the charge time and the constant reloading of the railgun. But, somehow, i've never seen this brought up.
Now, I do agree some buffs could make it easier to use. For starter, it should be able to one shot kill striders if you hit the pilot through the face plate (it's still a three shot kill through the face plate or two shots if you shoot a leg, striders are NOT an issue). I would also enjoy a small buff to its effective penetration range. And lastly, I think it would be nice if it could be used against heavy armor, something like a 4 hit kills if you shoot at a charger's head or something. But right now, in effect, the AMR is in a very good place against bots, you just need to aim better.

15,000 fans file into the Budokan for Great Voyage. 15,000 fans watch great action for hours on end, waiting for one colossal main event. 15,000 fans are here for the Occident vs. the Orient, but it might as well be Greek Gods vs. Roman Gods. How did we get here?
Brock Lesnar, a man who lives by his own code. A man who decided to leave the biggest wrestling federation in the world simply because he didn’t like their schedule. He was given his ideal conditions by New Japan Pro Wrestling, but decided to eschew the traditional Japanese wrestling value of loyalty, despite wearing the company’s championship on his massive shoulders. Why does he do all of this? Because he’s Brock Lesnar. Because he can.
Everybody wants Brock Lesnar, and Pro Wrestling Noah is no different. Brock Lesnar waltzes into Noah without any regard for their history, for their hierarchy. He wants their two biggest names in the same match. Mitsuharu Misawa and Kenta Kobashi are forced to team together, to cater to Brock Lesnar’s whims because it’s good for business. Brock Lesnar picks a familiar man as his partner. A rival, at that. The Wrestling Machine himself, Kurt Angle has a ticket right to Tokyo.
Outsiders and insiders clashing in perhaps the biggest tag match of all time. Brock Lesnar, a man whose special status relies solely on his continued ability to demolish anything and anybody that dares to cross his path. Kurt Angle, painkillers altering his bodily chemistry, recently cast away from the only wrestling company he’s ever worked for, forced to survive in waters that he doesn’t quite know how to swim in. Mitsuharu Misawa, carrying the company he built on his ever-weakening spine, the spine that may one day snap and cause everything to crash down to the ground. Kenta Kobashi, enjoying legend status but fighting to keep doing what he loves. Everyday his chops get weaker, his lariats carry less weight, and he won’t know why until he gets his kidney checked in just a few short months.
Four legacies that will forever be altered by what happens between those ropes. Crimson red spilled on emerald green, staining the pages of history forever. This is two sets of rivals fighting to prove that their philosophies reign supreme, that they themselves reign supreme. A Wrestling Machine. A Beast. An Emerald Ace. An Iron Man. When the fans file out, the lights dim and the ring is taken apart, who will be able to call themselves great?
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Brock Lesnar and Kurt Angle vs. Kenta Kobashi and Mitsuharu Misawa
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Gold Medal begins to blast through the speakers here in Nippon Budokan, and Kurt Angle jogs out onto the ramp, head down in focus. He seems a little bit on-edge, almost like he’s not quite used to hearing a theme song that doesn’t lend itself to a crowd screaming “You Suck”. He’s in unfamiliar territory, and he’s not exactly coming in with training wheels. No tune-up matches, no tests. He’s right in the fire. Quickly, he kisses his Olympic Gold Medals and hands them off to the timekeeper’s area, before getting in the ring and stretching a bit. He’s a machine, and tonight he gets to show what he can do when he’s in no man’s land.
Then, Kingdom Comes plays, signifying the arrival of perhaps the most singular, unique man in wrestling history. Brock Lesnar is not motivated by glory, or respect, or gold. He’s motivated by conquest. He’s motivated by money. He’s motivated by violence. Many people thrive when they put themselves in uncomfortable positions, but that’s impossible for Lesnar, because every match is just another match for him. He’s walking into a battle alongside a longtime rival, against two of the greatest to ever do it, and yet he looks incredibly calm. Nobody can touch him. Nobody can hurt him. A regular entrance, because there is not a bone in Brock Lesnar’s body that is treating this match like anything to be afraid of. Why should he? He’s Brock Lesnar.
The crowd comes unglued as Grand Sword starts to echo through the storied venue. Kenta Kobashi is here, one of the greatest to ever do it, and the camera follows him as he walks through the backstage area and down the ramp. A million words are etched on his face. Tonight, things come full circle for him. He came up teaming with Mitsuharu Misawa, trying to unseat him as the Ace for years on end. While their feud was quite evenly-matched, with Kobashi being the only man to kick out of Tiger Driver 91, and Orange Crush having to debut wrestling’s most dangerous move, the Burning Hammer, against Misawa, many believe that Kobashi only truly surpassed his former mentor in 2003. Now, Kobashi teams with Misawa once again, but he enters before Misawa. Is he truly the ace? Have fences mended enough to allow them to turn back the outsiders? Kobashi keeps his eyes on his opponents, not looking at the ramp as…
…Spartan X starts to play, and the Budokan starts to shake. THE greatest of all time. THE goat. Qualifying statements are not needed when discussing Mitsuharu Misawa, but the brutal battles that he built his name on have taken their toll and then some. He marches out, already looking a little bit stiff. His gait tells his story, and it’s not an easy story. However, tonight, while Kurt Angle and Brock Lesnar will try their hand at walking the King’s Road, can they measure up to the King himself? Misawa and Kobashi nod at each other, while Kurt Angle looks over at Brock Lesnar, who doesn’t break the piercing gaze that he’s been directing at his opponents for the past few minutes. After a short discussion, Misawa cedes the ring to Kobashi, and without even speaking, Kurt Angle just knows that he’s going to start this one on the apron.
There are 15,000 screaming fans filling the vast sea of seats of the Budokan Hall, and 15,001 hearts palpitate increasingly at the sight of Brock Lesnar, as Orange Crush joins the amount of people completely entranced by the BEEF of Brock Lesnar. A pure demon in human form, the half-man, half-hellhound hybrid embeds fear merely by standing on the apron. Not a man, a fucking grizzly bear. Meanwhile, his former rival turned comrade chuckles at the sight of Kobashi’s dread and terror, knowing he’s got to be on the winning side. However, as astonished the men and women in the audience may be at the deadly duo of Angle and Lesnar, they’re just as ecstatic to see a man many consider second only to Christ himself, the man who assembled the Ark we’re on today. A clash of gods we shall witness today, Angle and Kobashi already circling each other like sharks in the ocean, the Wrestling Machine shooting first as he lunges for a leg, albeit a bit too predictable though as Kobashi’s able to successfully spin it around, shoving Angle back-first into the ropes! Tensions flare, and our referee immediately steps in once skin hits steel cord, working to separate the two lions. Kobashi is the first to unhinge his proverbial jaw, releasing grip as the two men back apart from each other…
BUT AS SOON AS THE MEN BREAK, KOBASHI LUNGES BACK! He traps Angle in a side headlock, wrenching tightly as the Olympic Gold Medalist seeks to do all he can to escape. As he can’t slip free, Angle locks his hips in instead, driving the larger Kobashi backwards into a neutral corner to force the break. Kobashi seems to oblige to the clean break, but Angle betrays his trust, lunging forward for a BRUTAL HEADBUTT THAT SHOWS HE MEANS NOTHING BUT BUSINESS! One perc. Two perc. Three perc. Four. An enraged Kobashi swings for a chop that could take down a tree, but his battle-axe of an arm only hits air AS IT’S ANGLE WITH THE SINGLE LEG TO DROP KOBASHI TO THE GROUND! Kobashi drops into half guard, frantically scooting away as he attempts to evade the shark where he may be most dangerous, but Angle barrels forward like a bulldog instead, leaping into side control before eventually trapping Kobashi in a wrestling sprawl as he tries to roll away.
Budokan gasps as Orange Crush is suddenly trapped deep in a dark cavern where no man is supreme but the cavemaster himself, who laughs as he finds himself exactly where he wants to be. Using nothing but his freakish strength, he attempts to power back to his feet, but Angle is able to expend a ton of energy wrestling him back to the mat at each and every attempt. Legs frantically kicking out like a seizure victim. Like a kangaroo with his neck trapped under a Dodge Durango. The Olympic Gold Medalist has done it all before. Broken necks render this man supremely beyond intensity. Supremely beyond integrity. Supremely beyond intellect. He could wrestle a tiger all by himself, hell, he is a fucking tiger. And through his razor-sharp fanged teeth he heaves heavily in and out, indicating to our man in the cavern that his captor may be growing weary. One great push manages to knock Angle off his game, and desperately the American “Hero” is able to roll him into a lateral press! Kobashi secures a quick kickout at one however, and eventually both men are finally separated.
Twas a tiring struggle on the ground for both men, but while Kobashi returns to his feet fearful of returning to the mat, the Wrestling Machine appears even more thrilled at the prospect of grappling. Shere Khan thirsts for his prey. Without haste, he lunges for Kobashi’s right leg, looking for another single leg takedown, BUT KOBASHI’S PREPARED THIS TIME AS HE RAINS DOWN THREE SWIFT DOWNWARD ELBOWS TO THE BACK OF ANGLE’S HEAD! Dazed, Angle drops down to Kobashi’s foot, though he’s not out of it fully AS ANGLE RISES BACK TO HIS FEET WITH KOBASHI’S ANKLE IN HAND! One-legged, Orange Crush hops around in defense of the Ankle Lock, knowing how devastating the hold is with the user. The abuser. Hit her but don’t quit her Mr. Kurt Angle. In order to escape, Kobashi must do one thing, potentially the thing he knows best… HE MUST CHOP!!! A THUNDEROUS CHOP SLICES AT THE CHEST OF KURT ANGLE, ALLOWING KOBASHI TO DIVE TO HIS CORNER AND TAG OUT TO THE EMERALD PRINCE HIMSELF! Budokan ERUPTS! God is standing among us in the ring, but can he outwrestle a wrestling machine?
Chuckling at the sight of the massive Mitsuharu Misawa, Angle sizes up his threat to the best of his abilities, before circling his prey and preparing to pounce. Slinking down to one knee, he wraps his arms around the ankle of Misawa, plucking it straight from the ground as he rises back to his feet, gleefully showcasing his American flag mouthguard as he prepares to cinch in the Ankle Lock, BUT BEFORE HE CAN GET MISAWA TO THE GROUND, THE EMERALD KING LETS LOOSE AN OUTRAGEOUS ELBOW SMASH TO BLOW THE AMERICAN HERO AWAY! Angle stumbles towards the ropes after bouncing back to his feet, searching desperately for Misawa THOUGH HE DOESN’T SEE THE BASTARD UNTIL HE’S RIGHT IN FRONT OF HIM FOR THE BELLY TO BELLY! Slowly, the legend rises back to his feet as he grapples with Angle immediately following the toss, locking in the headlock as the drunken Angle rushes back up in a daze, but Angle’s able to slip free using those olympic credentials, twisting his arm into the ground and throwing the big one into a seated position AS HE LEAPS FOR THE TAG TO TWO HUNDRED AND SIXTY-FIVE POUNDS OF COLD UNIVERSITY OF MINNESOTA BEEF!!!
It feels like sitting at the edge of the world when you’re looking up at Brock Lesnar. Misawa certainly believes that he’s deep past the edge though, as he scrambles to return to his feet, sizing up the other behemoth on the other side of him. Holyfield vs. Tyson. Godzilla vs. Kong. Misawa vs. Lesnar. Budokan Hall is decisively on their feet as the green beast prepares to go to war with the blond bear, and as each second passes, they eventually grow closer and closer to each other. It becomes inevitable. The forces collide. Misawa lunges for the side headlock as he seeks to wrestle the animal down, BUT IT DOESN’T WORK, AS LESNAR SLIPS BEHIND HIM, ENDING UP EXACTLY WHERE HE WANTS TO BE, AS HE’S ABLE TO GET BEHIND MISAWA FOR THE GERMAN SUPLEX!!! BUT NO!!! MISAWA DOESN’T STAY DOWN, DEFIANTLY RISING BACK UP TO HIS FEET! THIS IS HIS HOME, BUDOKAN HALL BELONGS TO MITSUHARU MISAWA!!!
Lesnar doesn’t waste any time getting back on Misawa, immediately looking for the second German Suplex because this fucker’s got a lot of them in him, however Misawa’s able to prevent the second suplex from ever taking off, turning around AND WRECKING HIM WITH A FLURRY OF THREE ELBOWS! The Beast stumbles, seemingly knocked off his balance by the godly elbow smashes of the Emerald King, and we see him seek refuge by backing out of the ring… AND IN TURN, MISAWA CHARGES! We don’t see him go for feats like this too often! On the outside, the human personification of a Mammoth shuffles to the side, and to avoid crashing and burning, Misawa catches himself on the top rope and allows himself to topple over onto the apron, barely keeping his footing! Brock lunges for a leg, trying to drag his prey down on the floor with him! Misawa starts kicking at Lesnar, shaking The Beast Incarnate off of him for a moment, only for Kurt Angle to hop onto the apron and try for a Belly-to-Belly Suplex! The Emerald Ace clutches the top rope like his life depends on it, but the Olympic Gold Medalist is trying his damndest to drop him straight on his head, and Brock Lesnar is ready to jump back in and help him out! All seems lost for Misawa, UNTIL KOBASHI DARTS ACROSS THE RING AND TACKLES ANGLE THROUGH THE ROPES! KOBASHI, ANGLE AND MISAWA ALL FALL FROM THE APRON ONTO LESNAR, AND ALL FOUR MEN ARE SPRAWLED ACROSS THE FLOOR!
Mr. Puroresu collects himself, dragging Misawa back up to the apron and tagging himself in. He waits in the middle of the ring for Lesnar, and he doesn’t have to wait long, as The Conqueror Among Conquerors stumbles in like a zombie! Kobashi starts throwing his piston-like forearms, blasting The Beast with everything he’s got, but BROCK EATS THE SHOTS FOR BREAKFAST, MANHANDLES KOBASHI INTO POSITION AND HITS HIM WITH THREE THUNDEROUS GERMAN SUPLEXES AS THE CROWD MARVELS AT HIS POWER! Overcome with explosivity, Brock pops up, backing into his own corner, still a lot of menace in his stance…but Angle kills his high, reaching over the top rope and tagging himself in. Sexy Kurt doesn’t even look at his partner, grinning as he struts in, not feeling the holes in his back that Lesnar is currently burning with his eyes. Kobashi is still loopy on the mat, and Angle immediately locks in a Texas Cloverleaf! Kobashi is in Dreamland, but luckily for him, the man could grapple in his sleep! He manages to turn himself onto his stomach and shake Angle off, BUT THE RELENTLESS WRESTLING MACHINE GRABS HIS ARM, WRENCHES IT, AND LOCKS IN A CRIPPLER CROSSFACE! It’s 2006, that move still exists for at least one more year.
Kenta Kobashi has experienced a lot of pain in his life, but there’s very few things that compare to a submission hold being applied by one of the greatest grapplers to ever live! After what feels like an eternity, Kobashi manages to reach the ropes! As he struggles to his feet, Angle goes to grab him again, drag him back into the deep end, but Kobashi isn’t having it! MACHINE GUN CHOPS, SHREDDING ANGLE’S CHEST! THIS ISN’T KOBASHI’S USUAL CONCENTRATED BUZZSAW-LIKE ATTACK, THIS IS A LOOSE FIREWORK, THIS IS SURVIVAL MODE! He knocks Angle backwards and musters up everything he has to dive to his corner! Sweet salvation! NO, ANGLE PLUCKS HIM OUT OF MID-AIR, DRAGS HIM TO THE CENTER OF THE RING, AND CRANKS AS HARD AS HE CAN! ANKLE LOCK! KOBASHI’S HAND IS IN THE AIR, HE MIGHT GIVE IN! Angle grinds his boot in Kobashi’s face, the ultimate disrespect! MISAWA’S HAD ENOUGH, HE BREACHES THE SQUARED CIRCLE AND BOOTS ANGLE IN THE FACE! LIFTING KOBASHI UP, HE BASICALLY BIELS HIM INTO THE CORNER AND TAGS HIMSELF IN! ANGLE GETS UP AND THROWS A LARIAT AT MISAWA, WHO CONNECTS EVEN QUICKER WITH A CORKSCREW JUMPING LARIAT! ANGLE GETS BACK UP, AND IMMEDIATELY GETS BROUGHT DOWN WITH A CRADLE SUPLEX! Misawa wants to finish this one, and HE’S LOOKING FOR THE TIGER DRIVER! ANGLE’S OUT OF IT, BUT HAS ENOUGH PRESENCE OF MIND TO SPIN OUT OF THIS ABSOLUTE DEATH BLOW! UNFORTUNATELY FOR THE PATRON SAINT OF PERCOCETS, HE CAN’T ESCAPE THE TIGER SUPLEX THAT MISAWA SETTLES FOR! BRIDGING COVER! ONE…TWO…ANGLE GETS THE SHOULDER UP!
Angle is looking to tag in The Beast and get some rest, but as he tries to crawl to his own corner, Misawa begins to drag him back into the fire. Angle manages to trip The Standard Bearer Up, and to make sure that he doesn’t eat any more elbows in this one, he locks in an Armbar! He’s wrenching on the limb, but he knows damn well that Misawa has too much pride to tap out to this, so he takes this opportunity to let go and tag in Buh-Rock. Lesnar has had ample time to re-stock his energy, AND WITHIN THREE SECONDS FLAT, MISAWA IS OFF THE GROUND AND IN THE AIR! BELLY-TO-BELLY, AND BROCK KEEPS HIS BEARHUG GRIP ON MISAWA TO HIT ANOTHER ONE! AND THEN A THIRD! HE LANDS RIGHT IN TOP MOUNT! Misawa reaches at Lesnar’s head to try and shove him away, but LESNAR SEES THAT SHIT COMING! GRABS THE ARM! TOP MOUNT KIMURA IS CINCHED IN DEEP!
Misawa is suffering here, and Lesnar is just too strong! Misawa can’t fight the arms, so he fights the body, dragging himself inch by inch, centimeter by centimeter to his own corner! He wants this tag, he NEEDS this tag! Kobashi is reaching as far as he can, as is Misawa…THEIR FINGERTIPS BARELY BRUSH, AND THE REFEREE SAYS THAT ORANGE CRUSH IS THE LEGAL MAN! But since when has Brock Lesnar cared about the law? He keeps the Kimura locked in, despite the official’s pleading! Kobashi takes matters into his own hands, launching a chop that catches Lesnar RIGHT IN THE FACE! Finally, he lets the hold go, stands up, and squares up with Kobashi! Lesnar throws something that has never been taught in any dojo, seen in any organized fight, a strike that has no name. It’s simply an explosion of raw, primal power, a two-handed shove right to the face! Kobashi’s head snaps back, he feels like he’s going to fall! He overcorrects, stumbling forward, a GRAVE MISTAKE! HE WALKS RIGHT INTO LESNAR’S GRASP! F5! THAT MUST BE IT, MISAWA IS IN NO WAY CAPABLE OF BREAKING THIS UP! ONE…TWO…TH-NOOO!!!
When a gorilla gets angry, it throws its own shit. Thankfully, Brock Lesnar is not a gorilla, despite the uncanny resemblance. When Brock Lesnar gets mad, he DECIDES TO CAVE IN HIS OPPONENT’S SKULL! KOBASHI IS BARELY BREATHING, AND LESNAR IS ON TOP OF HIM, DROPPING ELBOWS FROM HELL RIGHT TO AN UNPROTECTED FOREHEAD! A GASH OPENS ON KOBASHI’S SKULL, BLOOD STAINS THE MAT! Lesnar unleashes a guttural scream, but his monkey brain gets shut off when Kurt Angle starts calling for a tag! Reluctantly, Brock obliges, and throws Kobashi to Angle. Angle looks for the ANGLE SLAM! BUT KOBASHI FIGHTS HIS WAY OFF OF KURT’S SHOULDERS AND PLANTS HIM QUICKLY WITH A PUMPHANDLE SIT-OUT POWERBOMB! BROCK RUSHES AT HIM, BUT KOBASHI MANAGES TO CATCH HIM WITH A DESPERATION DROPKICK! ALL THREE MEN ARE DOWN, KOBASHI ALMOST DROWNING IN A POOL OF HIS OWN BLOOD!
Misawa is now conscious again, and he gets all 15,000 fans to start clapping in unison, a heartbeat reverberating, trying to get Kobashi’s own heart to start pumping blood again. He’s up to his feet, but Kurt Angle, from the mat, AGAIN GRABS THE ANKLE! kOBASHI CAN’T BE BROUGHT DOWN HERE, IF HE GETS TAKEN DOWN IT’S THE END! ANGLE’S UP TO HIS KNEES, AND KOBASHI MANAGES TO SHAKE HIMSELF FREE! SPINNING HEEL KICK KNOCKS THE THREE-I’D MONSTER CLEAN OUT! HE TURNS AND HEADS TO HIS CORNER, ONLY TO RUN INTO BROCK LESNAR! IMMEDIATELY, HE’S SCOOPED UP FOR THE F5! FIGHTING SPIRIT CONQUERS ALL, THOUGH, AS HE LANDS ON HIS FEET AND FINALLY, MERCIFULLY, FALLS FORWARD AND MAKES CONTACT WITH MISAWA! THE FOUNDER IS LEGAL, AND LESNAR GETS SENT BACK TO HIS CORNER BY THE REFEREE, COMPLAINING THE WHOLE WAY!
Misawa knows that Angle is in bad shape here, the painkillers finally wearing off, and he wastes no time at all, RUSHING AT HIM, HOOKING HIS ARMS, AND DRIVING HIM INTO THE CANVAS WITH THE TIGER DRIVER! THIS FEELS LIKE THE END! ONE…TWO…THR-LESNAR ENTERS THE RING AGAIN AND MUSCLES MISAWA OFF OF ANGLE WITH A GUTWRENCH SUPLEX! BUT MISAWA NO-SELLS IT, POPPING RIGHT BACK UP AND FIRING ELBOWS FROM THE HIP AT THE SCARIEST GAIJIN TO EVER SET FOOT IN THIS COUNTRY! Elbow Smashes, Upwards Elbows, Spinning Elbows, Roaring Elbows, the whole nine yards, and Lesnar looks mortal! He’s stumbling! But in his moment of weakness, he SOMEHOW FINDS EVEN MORE STRENGTH! IN THE BLINK OF AN EYE, MISAWA IS IN THE AIR AND SPINNING! A FLASH F5! LESNAR GOES TO MAKE THE COVER, BUT REMEMBERS THAT ANGLE IS THE LEGAL MAN, AND INSTEAD DRAPES KURT OVER MISAWA’S CARCASS! ONE…TWO…THR-MISAWA GETS THE SHOULDER UP!!! BROCK’S LAPSE IN JUDGMENT MEANS THAT SOMEHOW THIS ONE IS STILL GOING!
Lesnar’s default state is angry, but right now he’s FURIOUS. With purpose, he drags Angle to the corner and tags himself in, before looking to once again lock in the destructive Kimura that almost ended the match earlier! Misawa has it scouted this time, PUTTING LESNAR ON HIS ASS, GOING BEHIND AND APPLYING THE STRETCH PLUM! IT’S LOCKED IN TIGHT, THIS KAWADA TRIBUTE HAS MADE THE CROWD LOSE THEIR COLLECTIVE SHIT! BUT BROCK LESNAR DOESN’T GIVE A FUCK ABOUT SENTIMENTALITY, THE SHAVED APE MANAGING TO FIND HIS FOOTING AND DRAG MISAWA UP WITH HIM! ANOTHER F5? NO, MISAWA ELBOWS HIS WAY DOWN, AND HOOKS THE BEAST’S ARMS! THIS IS GREEK GOD VS. GREEK GOD, AND SOMEHOW, MISAWA MANAGES TO LIFT LESNAR OFF OF HIS FEET! TIGER DRIVAHHHHHHH!!! HOOKS THE LEG! ONE…TWO…THRE-NOOOOOOO!!!! BROCK LESNAR IS BREATHING, AND THAT MEANS THAT BROCK LESNAR IS STILL FIGHTING!
It feels like it’ll take an Act of God to stop Brock Lesnar, and Misawa can’t call in a favor from the Heavens, but he can do the next best thing. Conjuring up the last little bit of power left in him, Misawa LIFTS LESNAR UP FOR THE EMERALD FLOWSION! IF ANYTHING CAN STOP THE BEAST, THIS IS IT! BUT LESNAR SLIPS FREE! And now, if an Act of God can stop Brock Lesnar, it’ll take an Act of Satan to stop The Emerald Ace. Brock Lesnar brings hellfire and brimstone to the Budokan Hall in the form of TWO NECK-CRUSHING GERMAN SUPLEXES, AND THEN AN F5! BUT THAT’S NOT ENOUGH FOR THIS MONSTER! HE SCOOPS UP THE LIFELESS MISAWA FOR ONE MORE F5! HE HITS IT! Popping up, Lesnar looks to unleash one more primal war cry, BUT IT’S INTERRUPTED BY A BURNING LARIAT FROM KENTA KOBASHI! WHAT A SAVE BY ZETTAI OZA!
The referee is trying his very best to calm this absolute bedlam, wrangling Kobashi and trying to send him back to the apron. Before Kobashi can cooperate and limp back to his corner, though, in comes Angle! Kurt Angle IS LOOKING FOR A BELLY-TO-BELLY! KOBASHI HOOKS HIS LEGS AROUND ANGLE’S, THOUGH, AND LOOKS FOR AN ARM TRAP BELLY-TO-BELLY OF HIS OWN! ANGLE PLANTS HIS FEET AND TRIES TO MUSCLE KOBASHI INTO A REGULAR BELLY-TO-BELLY, BUT THESE TWO ARE LOCKED IN A STALEMATE! You know who can help them figure it out, though? A RECOVERING BROCK LESNAR, WHO RUSHES OVER TO GRAB A WAISTLOCK AND SEND KOBASHI FLYING WITH A GERMAN SUPLEX, NOT GIVING A SHIT ABOUT KURT ANGLE, WHO GETS SENT FLYING ALONG WITH HIM! Lesnar’s energy reserves are depleted as well, though, and he collapses! Everybody’s down!
Mitsuharu Misawa may not know where he is anymore, but he knows he has to get to the corner. On the other end of things, Kenta Kobashi knows that he has to tag in, but he’s barely able to find his footing, his leg is killing him. This is a war, and he’s wounded, but his partner is at death’s door. Misawa crawls to him and makes the tag, and Kobashi immediately guns for Brock Lesnar, the most dangerous option, the only option! He backs Brock further into the corner and BEGINS TO DELIVER CHOP AFTER CHOP AFTER CHOP, RIGID CONCENTRATION, HE’S LOOKING TO PUT A HOLE IN LESNAR’S CHEST! NOTHING ELSE MATTERS, NOT THE BAD LEG, NOT KURT ANGLE, NOT MITSUHARU MISAWA, NOT THE 15,000 SCREAMING FANS! ONLY CHOPS ON CHOPS ON CHOPS! HE GRITS HIS TEETH THROUGH THE ACHING IN HIS MUSCLES AS HE SCOOPS LESNAR UP AND PLANTS HIM ON THE MAT WITH A BODYSLAM! HE IGNORES THE SEARING PAIN IN HIS ANKLE AS HE CLIMBS TO THE TOP ROPE! HE DOESN’T BOTHER CROSSING HIMSELF AS HE LOOKS FOR A MOONSAULT! BUT HE DOESN’T GET A CHANCE TO DIVE OFF, BECAUSE LESNAR, THIS INHUMAN FORCE OF NATURE, FOLLOWED HIM UP! AVALANCHE GERMAN SUPLEX!!!!
BROCK LESNAR IS AN AGENT OF PAIN, AND HE TAKES TOP MOUNT AGAIN! ELBOW AFTER ELBOW AFTER ELBOW, MAKING THE WOUND ON KOBASHI’S HEAD EVEN DEEPER! Then, it seems like a moment of clarity washes over The Beast. Kobashi’s legs. They’re shot. Lesnar immediately goes for them. No quarter. HE CRANKS KOBASHI’S LEG OVER HIS SHOULDER! BROCK LOCK, AND KOBASHI IS SCREAMING, SHRIEKING, IN A WORLD OF HURT! ORANGE CRUSH TRIES TO CLIMB HIS WAY UP BROCK LESNAR, SCALE THIS MOUNTAIN OF A MAN, BUT LESNAR, SHOWING OFF HIS IMMENSE STRENGTH, PRESSES KOBASHI INTO THE AIR AND TRANSITIONS INTO A FIREMAN’S CARRY! ANOTHER F5 INCOMING! KOBASHI SOMEHOW LANDS ON HIS FEET, BUT HE CAN BARELY STAY UP, HIS ANKLE FAILING HIM! HE STUMBLES BACKWARDS, AND LESNAR STARTS RUSHING AT HIM AGAIN! DESPERATE, KOBASHI LAUNCHES A BURNING LARIAT! COLLAPSES INTO THE COVER! ONE…TWO…THR-BROCK KICKS OUT!
Lesnar rolls to his corner and tags in The Wrestling Machine, who smells blood in the water. He darts RIGHT FOR KOBASHI’S ANKLE! IF HE LOCKS THIS IN, IT’S OVER! THRASHING, KOBASHI KICKS HIM AWAY AND FIGHTS TO A STANDING BASE! Angle shoots for a Takedown, but ends up LOOKING FOR A BELLY-TO-BELLY! KOBASHI IS FULL OF HATRED, PISS AND VINEGAR, THOUGH, AND HE CLAWS AT ANGLE’S FACE, BENDING HIM BACKWARDS AND DELIVERING THE MOST BRUTAL BURNING SWORD HE’S EVER THROWN! ANGLE FALLS, CLUTCHING HIS CHEST, AND KOBASHI HEADS TO THE TOP ROPE, ANGRY ENOUGH THAT HE CAN’T EVEN FEEL HIS LEG BEGGING FOR MERCY! MOONSAULT! FLATTENS ANGLE! HOOKS THE LEG! ONE…TWO…TH-BROCK BREAKS THE COVER!
Kobashi squares up with Lesnar, the crowd at a fever pitch, and Brock throws a punch that gets dodged easily! Kobashi RESPONDS WITH A HEADBUTT, ECHOING THROUGHOUT THE BUDOKAN! HE RUNS THE ROPES! BURNING LARIAT! IT’S DUCKED, AND LESNAR GOES BACK TO THE WELL WITH ANOTHER F5 ATTEMPT! KOBASHI KNOWS HOW TO COUNTER IT NOW, THOUGH, WRAPPING HIS ARMS AROUND LESNAR’S THROAT AND SQUEEZING THE LIFE OUT OF HIM! LESNAR BEGINS TO STUMBLE, AND KOBASHI ESCAPES, LANDING BEHIND HIS OPPONENT! Weighing his options, KOBASHI DECIDES TO LIFT HIM UP FOR A BURNING LARIAT!!! THE CROWD KNOWS THE GRAVITY OF THIS! THIS MOVE IS A GOD-KILLER, AN ATOMIC BOMB AMONG HAND GRENADES! THIS WOULD BE THE ACE IN THE HOLE, BUT LESNAR LANDS ON HIS FEET, SHOWING TREMENDOUS ATHLETICISM! HOWEVER, HE EATS A KICK TO THE GUT, AND KOBASHI PLANTS HIM WITH AN ORANGE CRUSH! Kurt Angle is back up to his feet, stumbling, vulnerable, and a ragged Misawa also crawls back into the squared circle, laying down on top of Brock Lesnar, keeping him from factoring into the remainder of this match! He nods at Kobashi, WHO CHARGES AT ANGLE AND TURNS HIM INSIDE OUT WITH A BURNING LARIAT! COVER, HOOKS THE LEG! ONE…TWO…THREE!!!!! AN INSTANT CLASSIC, AND THE TWO MOST HEAVENLY PILLARS MANAGE TO COME OUT VICTORIOUS ON HOME TURF AGAINST THE TWO MARAUDERS OF THE WEST!
​
Kenta Kobashi and Mitsuharu Misawa def. Brock Lesnar and Kurt Angle in 31:25

In P6, Hawk dropped a buffalo nickel that led him to noticing a sign for "Nez Perce manufacturing" attached to a yellow toilet booth door. In the sign, there was a picture of a native American wearing a traditional warbonnet.
Natural American Spirits.
Elsewhere, Diane was smoking a package of Natural American Spirit. The box was also yellow, and it was also decorated with a native American wearing a traditional warbonnet.
Inside the yellow door, there were old papers, pages torn from Laura's secret diary. Inside Diane's yellow box, there were other kind of papers rolled up to contain tobacco. Cigarettes and pages were associated in P9 when the Sheriff pulled out a cryptic message from inside a slim metal tube. Before he opened the slip of paper, it unmistakably resembled a cigarette.
Transformations.
We saw Diane's box of cigarettes for the last time in P16. She came to the computer room to tell the others a story. Albert asked if she wanted a drink, and he brought her a glass of vodka. She took her time sipping the drink and placed the glass on the table next to her. Next, she reached for her handbag. We had earlier seen her having a black snub nose revolver in there, and suspense was created if she was already about to start shooting people. Instead, she took her cigarettes out and placed them next to the drink.
In addition to giving this side table installation quite a bit of attention, another way of marking the cigarette box was a usual inconsistency: when Diane looked into her bag shortly before she did draw the gun, the cigarette box was shown to be still in there even if she had put it on the table.
She had the whole toilet door there.
After Diane disappeared with a bang, the cigarettes remained by the drink. As hinted by the warbonnet-wearing Natives, the idea here may have been to associate Diane's drink and her yellow box of cigarettes with the men's room toilet bowl and the yellow booth door.
Approaching the scene from that angle, we could make sense of Diane's last words. All of a sudden, she felt like she was somewhere else.

Diane: "I'm in the Sheriff's station. I'm in the Sheriff's station."

That would have been the toilet then. She also acted like something was strangling her neck. This may have been done to draw out attention to how the cut of her shirt resembled the shape of a men's necktie. Accordingly, her existential crisis might be in need of mishearing.

Diane: "I'm in the Sheriff's station ... because ... because ... I'm not me. I - I'm not ... I'm not me. I'm - I'm - I'm not. I'm not me."

Tight.
"Not me" sounds the same as "knot me", in reference to a tie. Another kind of tie is a contest that ends in a draw, and another kind of draw is when you pull your gun out, just as Diane did before Albert and Tammy sent her elsewhere. By the end, she was a tie through and through.
Diane feeling like she was a tie in the Sheriff's station would have its due counterpart in Twin Peaks. Before Hawk got the door cracked open, Deputy Chad walked in to the men's room.

Hawk: "Use the ladies' room, Chad."

Unlike Hawk, Chad was wearing a black tie. The suggestion was that when Chad and his tie walked next to the toilet bowl and the yellow door, the two items reflected in Diane's drink and cigarette box, that was the same moment when the manufactured Diane suddenly felt she was in the Sheriff's station, as if these two locations now arrived to an alignment with each other. The real implication in all this was that her cigarettes of mysterious origin made a jump across the universe into the door where Hawk could get them, now appearing as the missing diary pages.
She indeed was in the Sheriff's station.
Whether Chad's tied-up presence only completed Diane's feeling as if she was in the Sheriff's station or whether she was actually connected to his character one way or the other is something interesting to think about. But first, something else to think about is, well, something.
The conclusions above would be in open conflict with what happened a few episodes earlier in P14. Sheriff Truman and Cole were in a call. Cole referred to the call later in the episode when Diane was still in one piece.

Sheriff Truman: "Something's been found, something Deputy Chief Hawk found, missing pages from a certain Laura Palmer's diary that could indicate two Coopers."

We naturally understood this so that the Sheriff already had the diary pages. However, this would not be in line with Hawk finding the pages at the same time when Diane was being dealt with since she was still around. Either the conclusions were misguided - or perhaps we needed to just hear the Sheriff differently.
The Sheriff worded himself in a similar way than what the Log Lady told Hawk in the opening episode.

Log Lady: "Something is missing, and you have to find it."

Also in the opening episode, Hawk was already on his way to "something", walking alone in the nighttime forest when the Log Lady called him.

Hawk: "Supposed to be something happening here tonight."

Hawk arrived to Glastonbury Grove where the Black Lodge entrance was. The red curtains started hovering in the forest. It looked as if he was about to find what he came there for. Just then, we got cut off. If this was when he actually found "something", then how about finding the pages?
The Sheriff warned Cole - and us, of course - he'd sound "strange". Perhaps the way he needed to be heard was stranger than what we first assumed.
There are several ways how something can be missing. An alternative way of hearing the Sheriff would be that the "something" Hawk had found wasn't the pages missing from the diary but instead was missing the pages. in other words, the mysterious "something" needed to get the pages that had not been recovered yet. The apparent reason why "something" needed the pages was that they could indicate who the "two Coopers" really were.
At that point in the story, the whereabouts of the pages would still have been unknown, recovered later when the manufactured Diane was gone. Thus, Hawk finding the pages in P6 and checking them with the Sheriff in P7 would only have taken place after the call between the Sheriff and Cole in P14.
Going back to the Log Lady's riddle, the trick here would have been that "something" and "it" were not the same thing, like also suggested by the Fireman who in the same episode had his own riddle for Cooper about "it" being on their house. The mysterious "something" was missing an equally unknown "it", and the actual job would have been for Hawk to find the latter for the former.
As it seems, the carefully concealed "something" arrived to Twin Peaks already in the opening episode, stepping out of the Black Lodge.

Ride this train to Roseburg Oregon now there's a town for you And you talk about rough You know a lot of places in the country claim Paul Bunyon lived there But you should have seen Roseburg when me and my daddy'd come there Everyone of them loggers looked like Paul Bunyon to me
- Johnny Cash song on southern Oregon, Ride This Train

the Pacific Northwest is, by all measures, a bountiful Canaan with more than enough resources to support whoever lives there and more. The Native American, pre-settler history of Oregon begins with a single line: "since time immemorial". Scientist Jared Diamond likes to talk about a "threshold" for what we consider to be technological civilization, a.k.a. empires like the ones that sprouted around the Yangtze, Nile, and Euphrates/Tigris rivers. What this theory says is that technological civilization needs enough resources to take root and empire-build, but needs few enough to where empire-building is actually necessary.
In this model, the Pacific Northwest is certainly on the latter end of the spectrum. Whatever the case, there can be no denying that this is one of the most fertile, bountiful places on earth, and this is what drew American settlers to it.
Europeans had circumnavigated the Pacific Coast since the sixteenth century. One explorer cursed the "damnable, vile, stinking fog" blanketing what we now know to be southwest Oregon (those of us from the area know how right he was). American settlement began in earnest with Lewis and Clark, who foisted the American flag in what is no Astoria in 1805 under the orders of President Thomas Jefferson. The region fell back under British control during the War of 1812, and for the next few decades the colonial powers would effectively agree to disagree over who owned the region.
This changed during the 1840's, when the region fell firmly under American control in conjunction with a wave of American settlement. The British, on their way out, effectively exterminated the beaver (and in the process screwed over the natives). Oregon became a state in 1859 thanks to the efforts of Senator Stephen Douglas.
Over the next twenty years, it would be firmly Americanized. The final gasp of resistance came when the Nez Perce under a leader named Chief Joseph refused to cede their land and led a chase through much of the American west, before being stopped miles from the Canadian border and sent to a reservation. Afterwards, the American settlers would find the Pacific Northwest as bountiful as the ones that came before them. The difference is they brought things of their own as well.
The main uses of Oregon for the settlers were 1) farming 2) logging. The former would find its home in the fertile Willamette Valley, where the majority of Oregon's population resides to this day, while the latter would dominate its rich and ancient forests. Logging in rural Oregon provided countless jobs to the people settling there and turned these wild frontier towns into wealthy boomtowns. Lumber from Oregon was shipped across the globe, and fueled a housing boom that propelled America into the modern era.
Of course, there's a problem, and this is that it's way easier to cut down a tree than it is to grow one. What we had here was an example of the tragedy of the commons. Lumber as a resource made everybody rich, but it required stewardship. Of course, stewardship in this context means letting a competitor come in and log instead of you. As a result, Oregon faced a race to the bottom. And when it was complete, the high-quality old-growth lumber that takes centuries to grow was gone.
This is the extreme tl;dr of the long tailspin of the timber industry. Other factors played a large role, such as continued mechanization that made manual labor irrelevant, and ongoing disputes between the federal government and local authorities over what land can be logged or not. And it's this that has created the backbone of rural Oregon's "shift" towards the Republicans.
I put shift in quotes because a lot of rural Oregon and Oregon in general hasn't just started voting for Republicans. Geography-wise, most of the state hasn't supported a Democrat on the Presidential level since Lyndon Johnson's landslide win, which, incidentally, is the last time a state would support a Democrat until 1988. It's supported one ever since.
There are two counties, though, that stand out to me, and those are Coos and Columbia. Both of these counties benefited heavily from timber. And both of these counties felt the crash when the gravy train went dry. Both are still, to this day, culture war flashpoints. Under the Obama years, this escalated as Obama-era regulations kept federal forests from being logged. Timber workers feel that the federal government, controlled by liberals, is keeping them down.
It's not just WWC lumberjacks. When you're talking about a timber county, it's about more than timberworkers themselves. Logging represents an old way of life that has been kept down by the double devils of modernist capitalism and environmental regulation, which are two sides of the same coin. Trump, here, is often seen as a third way. Columbia had voted for Democrats throughout nearly its entire history, but supported Trump in 2016 and 2020 and will most likely support him again in 2024. Coos supported McGovern, the single county in southern Oregon to do so, but is now firmly in Trump's camp.
Trump never said anything about timber and never paid any mind to Oregon, much less bumfuck timber country. But when he said that he loved the coal miners and was going to protect them from the liberals, the conservative working class across the country was listening and voted accordingly. It was earlier in this year that a militia led by extremist leader Ammon Bundy took over the Malheur National Wildlife Refuge to protest the federal government's regulations on ranching in eastern Oregon.
As fuel to the fire, there's an enduring sense that liberals are jerks who don't like the working man. And to an extent I personally believe this is true. These guys always get treated like some combination of pawns for billionaires or racists whenever they try and speak up. This happened just a few years ago, when a movement called "Timber Unity" popped up to supposedly fight for the rights of timberworkers and the progressive press responded in just about the way you'd expect them to. Just google Timber Unity and you'll probably see something like that.
Of course, this is a bit like rent control in cities: the problem is really complex and to some extent unavoidable. We can't bring back the old growth. Tax cuts for timber companies, which used to be a staple of administrations on both sides here, just sugared up the industry and encouraged companies eating up perfectly good timber land and then logging it, leaving rural communities with no tax income and no quality forests left to harvest.
Another thing that happened in Oregon pretty recently is that the Oregon GOP staged a walkout. Our last series of elections were also massive losses for rural conservatives. Measure 114, the strictest piece of gun control legislation in America, slid past the electorate. Christine Drazan, the most moderate Republican in the state, lost to progressive hardass Tina Kotek in the Governor's race. When Courts nuked 114, the ruling Democrats responded by trying to muscle bills through the legislature that prevented people from buying offending guns in the interim. Thanks to the peculiarities of our Constitution, two-thirds of both parties are necessary for the Senate to conduct business. The Republicans maintain around eleven seats. Last year, voters passed a law that disqualified any Senator that missed more than ten days, a not-so-subtle way to weed out all the arsonists.
Well, they walked out anyway. Nearly the entire conference is ineligible to run in their next election. Governor Kotek somehow managed to work out a compromise with these doomed men and women, which begs the question: why did they walk to begin with? These walkouts have always been hairy. There is always the possibility that the Governor might send in the state police to round them up, which inspired one lawmaker to flee to Idaho with some militia guys and threaten to go down shooting last time.
The simple answer is that they're true believers, and correctly see themselves as the last gasp of a dying world. At the same time, like most politicians, they maintain infinite confidence in their ability to be right about things including whether or not a certain ballot measure is Constitutional, which means they're in for a rude awakening next year. I kind of see my state as a metaphor for the nation writ large-- the rural, Republican areas are in a stark and irreversible decline. This decline will inspire losing democratic elections, and after that, extremism. The Democrats don't give a shit about them, and why should they? They've got the winning formula.
Building off of that point, this kind of seems to be true of everyone Trump and his gang are popular with. You never hear about happy, burgeoning communities deciding to abandon Trump after generations of voting for liberals. It's always the miserably poor communities in coal country Appalachia, or hollowed-out industry towns around the Great Lakes. Much noise has been made about how the parties have undergone some kind of an abstract switch since Trump's rise to power, and to an extent I agree: Democrats are the party of normies and Republicans are the party of revanchist populism. And the Republicans' new base is in decline. When their enemies start blasting the national anthem, they will lose elections.
The good news is that my friends in the timber industry have told me that for the first time in a long, long while, not only are new jobs being created thanks to the post-COVID crunch, they're also very well paying and more than enough to make a life off of.

THIS IS PART 39
I sighed, as RJ slid past me.
“You know we’re going to have to eat or drink something eventually, right?”
I slid down the disgusting fucking tunnel and tried not to retch as we descended into literal darkness.
“Yo, if I get hungry I'll cut your head off and eat your brain.” Blame said.
“Have fun doing it, zombie.” I replied.
We eventually landed in another tunnel system, but this one was less dirt and roots, and more stone and cave. It had dozens of interconnected tunnels and passageways, and one wrong step could mean never seeing the light of day again.
“I’m genuinely tweaking,” RJ started to say.
“Chill, at least there’s no monsters here…” I replied.
“I know, right?” Blame scoffed. “Good thing it’s just the four of us, if I ran ones down here I’d be fucked.”
I stopped. “The four of us?”
“Not this shit again!” RJ kicked a million-year-old stalagmite.
“Don’t move,” I said, holding my pistol and flashlight up as I slowly scanned our surroundings. “One, two, three… four.”
I noticed a figure standing slightly behind Blame, wearing his exact outfit, with his exact face, but I couldn’t tell who had said that.
“Oh, shit,” I said to Blame. “Turn around, uh… both of you.”
“Fuck!!” The two Blame’s yelled at the same time, raising their pistols at each other as RJ put his hands over his mouth like Kevin Mcallister.
“CALM DOWN!!” I yelled. “Oh fuck, do we really have to do this corny ass shit again?”
“Dawg, who the fuck is that?” Blame yelled at Blame. “Smoke that bitch!!”
“Listen, listen.” I whispered. “Calm down. Put your straps down, and let’s do this the smart way. If one of you is a mimic, then you’ll recover from any gunshot.”
“Yeah,” both the Blame’s said at the same time. “But I have regenerative powers too, dawg. Remember we popped a perc out in the trenches and now we can heal fast and pick up boulders and shit? Even if you shoot the real Blame, dawg, which I am in fact, I’ll STILL heal fast. Stupid motherfucker.”
“Yeah, but mimics heal faster than the real Blame, whoever the real one out of you two is.” I shrugged, holding my gun. “Some mimics can copy memories and shit too, so it gets funky.”
“Whoever can get sturdier, is the OG Blame.” RJ shouted.
“Fuck that weird-ass shit,” I said, firing two shots into each of the Blame’s legs, as they both screamed and started hopping around.
Just as I did that, I got slammed into a concrete wall at the speed of fucking light, and everything exploded into chaos. The two Blames, RJ, and I started firing and going batshit, as I caught a glimpse of something… different. I’d seen creatures before, but this thing looked more like a proper entity. It was like a shadow had taken physical form, it was a completely black, gelatinous humanoid, shiny and glittering with this kind of soapy-rainbow tinge. Whatever bullets we fired slowly sunk into its body, like buckshot hitting quicksand or syrup, with apparently no damage.
“Fuck, fuck, fuck!!” I yelled.
I tried to keep an eye on the Blame mimic, and he looked like he was trying to take the meanest shit ever, with veins popping out of his head and his muscles flexing, before he gave up and sighed. Meanwhile the real Blame, (I had figured out the one who didn’t look like he was going through a schizophrenic episode) RJ, and I were firing those giant, stupid pistol magazines at the creature. It constantly rag-dolled and punched the shit out of us, but it wasn’t really biting, scratching, stabbing, or slashing us, so I surmised that this thing could only just do blunt force brute damage.
“FUCK, IT WAS USING THE MIMIC AS A DISTRACTION!!” I yelled, face-palming mid-pistol fire, then I laughed. “NOW THE MIMIC CAN’T CHANGE BACK!!”
The entity picked up a boulder and slammed it into my chest, crushing into my plate carrier, knocking the wind out of me and sending me flying, as I fired several shots into it.
“Bitch, what the fuck,” RJ yelled. “You got a grenade or something?”
“IT DOESN’T HAVE INTERNAL ORGANS WE CAN FUCK UP!!” I yelled, getting up and drop-kicking its back. “WE NEED TO CRUSH ITS BODY!!”
Blame and fake-Blame smashed a giant chunk of the wall just as RJ and I pushed the creature back with our gunfire, and a gigantic fucking section of the cave wall the size of my living room collapsed and crushed the entity. It was pretty fucking stupid since we were risking having the entire cave system collapse in on us, but we were firing pistols with extended magazines, so it wasn’t like it was doing any harm.
“GO!!” I yelled, pointing farther into the tunnel as I poured a small canister of gasoline over the entity, lighting it up as it burned under the rubber.
We ran through the tunnel, and we collapsed in another section of the wall, before going another mile deeper and stopping to catch our breath.
“Oh, fuck,” I said, seeing the mimic Blame. “The mimic’s still here.”
“Fuck!!” Mimic-Blame yelled. “I can’t change back!!”
“Why?” I asked. “You know we could just shoot you to death right now!”
“Hold on!!” He strained himself again but nothing happened.
“Ohhh, shit.” Blame (the real one) laughed. “When we were trading shots and going fucking wild I fired a couple bullets into his stomach that I dipped in my… mixture, dawg.”
“YOU DID WHAT?!” The mimic screamed, coughing and vomiting, trying to do… something, I guess.
“How the hell did you manage that?” I asked. “What did you dip your bullets in?”
“Dawg, listen.” Blame shrugged with his gun. “At the camp they had some of this ‘neurotoxin’ and ‘cyanide’ and ‘acid’ nerd shit in a bottle, so I snuck those into my sleeping bag then I dipped all my bullets in them for ten minutes.”
“Holy fuck.” RJ gasped.
I sighed. “That might have not been what stopped the mimic from being able to change back into whatever nightmare demon it was. Does cough syrup, cocaine, meth, soda, Doritos and edibles stop the transformation process? Don’t mimics copy physical bodies to a point, including the diet, health, and physiology?”
“We need the one-armed guy to figure this science shit out,” Blame said.
“Oh, fuck!!” The mimic yelled. “If I stay in this unclean form, I will not be accepted by my higher-ups!!”
“I think you fucked up,” I sighed. “You’re going to look like Blame forever, aren’t you!!”
“FUCK!!”
“Hey, at least you’re one sexy motherfucker,” Blame whistled, looking at… himself? “Fuck, look at that jawline. No wonder the hoes love sucking me off.”
Mimic-Blame glared at Blame.
“Right, so…” I held my pistol to the mimic’s face. “You plan on killing us, or are you going to accept the fact that you’ll never be accepted into your weird monster cult and help us?”
“Calm down,” Mimic-Blame said. “Fine, I will help you.”
“What should we call him?” I asked, tapping my chin.
“Well I’m the original Blame, so I should decide, dumb fuck.” Blame spat.
“What about BL, dawg?”
“Too close to ‘blow-job’, dawg.” Blame replied.
“You know what, you’re Bryan. Blame’s real name is Brian, so-”
“DON’T CALL ME THAT, BITCH!!”
“So, I’ll call you ‘Bryan’, with a Y. Instead of Blame’s real name, which starts with an I. Sounds good?”
“Fuck off,” Bryan, formerly known as Mimic-Blame, sighed.
“Good, now you speak actual English, so I can tell you two apart.”
“Hold up,” Blame and RJ exchanged glances. “We have to jump him in.”
In a flash, RJ and Blame were stomping and beating the shit out of Bryan for a few seconds, before stopping and helping him get up.
“Welcome to the gang, Bryan.” Blame chuckled.
After the flash-beating and gang initiation, Bryan was a made man of our crew. Besides the obvious physical differences, Bryan was extremely intelligent, well-spoken, and was apparently four hundred years old. He wasn’t too keen on giving out his origins and information about what the fuck was going on, but he said we were allies, for now. I’ll admit, at first it was weird as fuck that someone that looked exactly identical to Blame was speaking concisely and intelligently without the… fucked-up accent he had.
“When the fuck did you even copy Blame?” I asked.
“Back when you first came into the tunnel, in the squeeze, I was waiting for him, then I took a piece of his hair that fell into the water, and I copied him and followed you around without making noise.” Bryan said.
“What was your plan?”
“I was supposed to eventually get caught and distract you while the shadow-entity killed you by surprise, but that failed miserably.”
“Do you know how to exit out of this place?” I asked, hoping the answer was yes and this wasn’t an even more elaborate plan to lure Blame, RJ, and I into a pit of death.
After crouch-walking for a bit, the cave ceiling got considerably higher, giving us space to move around and stretch a bit in the tunnel.
“Yes, actually. But since we collapsed the tunnel, we can’t go back the way we came.” Bryan sighed. “The shadow-entity knows that I turned my back on it, and now every creature working within the hive mind will know they must kill me.”
“Hive mind?” I asked.
“They are interconnected to what you refer to as The Birdeater,” Bryan replied. “But, The Birdeater is not what is fighting you. It is a mere servant, for something far in the abyss even I have no knowledge of. I am loosely connected into the hive mind, but not as deep as the other entities or The Turned.”
“What exactly are the… creatures?” I asked, ducking under a dripping stalagmite as we continued in.
“I do not know myself, but many of the ones you fought are creatures changed by… temptation.”
“What the fuck?”
“Keep moving,” Bryan said. “You will want to hear this.”
​
​

Hello, I cannot give out my real name but you can call me Chrissy. I am writing my life story here because i’ve never told it to anyone before. No one has really cared to listen, and ive been too embarrassed to tell my complete life story to a therapist. My life story has made me into the person I am: an unlovable, sociopathic, abusive, monster. I have been diagnosed with ASPD (sociopathy) and NPD (narcissism). So, reddit, here it is, in all its glory. Thank you for taking the time to read this, I appreciate you so so much. Please read to the end, it’s pretty interesting I think.
I was born December 11, 2002 of Mexican and native descent. At birth I was adopted into the care of two older white people.
In January, 2001 they adopted my brother, lets call him John.
I was raised LDS (mormon), in a very strict white family. We were sheltered from a lot of media. I was innocent growing up.
Other than that, my parents were very involved with us. I was active, participated in clubs, mom was part of PFA, all that jazz. She was a SAHM and I was never alone really. I’d say they were good parents. I was an extremely energetic, happy, social child. My brother and I had an amazing relationship. We fought sometimes but we played together a lot. We were like two peas in a pod.
2012-3rd grade (11)
For several months I had a teacher molesting me. I don’t remember much to be honest. Another staff member walked in when I was in his classroom during recess. Because of failure to report or something, my parents sued the school and I got a fat settlement. I can’t say this traumatized me since I don’t remember much, I just figured I would add this.
2013- 4th Grade (10)
This is when everything started, when life went downhill and I was knocked down for so many years after this. John began showing me porn and talking about sexual things with me. Just small stuff, like telling me about sex and what it is. This went on for several months. Then, he began touching me. We would wrestle and tickle each other a lot, and he’d sneak in a boob or vaginal grab. It then progressed into him fingering me against my will. I remember getting my period at age 10 and thinking I shat myself. 10 is not a normal age for a girl to get her period, and this should have been my mother’s first sign. Sometimes, he would do this a lot but other times he would go months without touching me. I also began wetting the bed at this point, which I hadn’t done since I was 4.
2013- 5th Grade (11)
John becomes more aggressive in the way he touches me and our relationship is severely diminishing. I always had very long nails and used them for my defense. I remember my mom always getting so mad at me because she saw the scratch marks and my brother ratted me out. I felt so dirty, so gross. I wasn’t a dumb kid, I kind of knew what I was doing was wrong because we were supposed to wait until marriage. That’s why I didn’t tell anyone, I was so afraid of getting in trouble because I had lost my virginity. I remember losing my virginity vividly. We were in my bathroom. It hurt, badly. It was not consensual. He told me that if I didn’t do this then he would tell mom and I would get grounded for life. An 11 year old’s vagina is not meant for a penis to penetrate.
Side note: as some point in the 5th grade I began watching porn and sexting 45+ yos online.
There were a lot, but there were 3 major ones who were in my life for a long period of time. Their names were: Dorito Diaz, Nick Moore, and Adam Jones. Adam Jones was the only one who was relatively close to my age. I believe he was 17 when we started sexting.
Another side note: I went to visit my aunt jane because my parents were on some sort of churchl trip. During this trip, my aunt jane’s husband, Randy, made several sexual comments to me that ranged from “you look sexy in your wetsuit to” “Your body would be more beautiful without that towel off,” when I attempted to run from the shower to my room with a towel. He also slightly grabbed my bum once. I was only 11 years old.
2014- 6th Grade (12)
My parents have began to notice that my usual hyper, lively self was diminishing. I had began cutting myself, arguing with my family, doing worse in school. My mother’s reaction to this was to make me lose weight, tell me that im too young to be this sad, to get over myself. Her idea of helping was punishing me for mental illness symptoms. I began having night terrors and horrible insomnia. I remember staying awake for 55 hours straight at one point. She punished me when I wouldn’t fall asleep within an hour. She punished me if I wasn’t being as talkative, etc. This is also when I began abusing drugs. I used nyquil, benadryl, sudafed, you name it. I’m not sure why I ever did this, if I’m being honest. I wasn’t allowed to watch mature TV at the time and didn’t know anyone who abused drugs, or know much about drugs. I don’t think I knew i was doing “drugs.” I think it originally started as a way to harm myself by taking random meds, but then I realized it felt so good. I was doing a LOT at once, like 18 sudafed, or 15 benadryl, or 10 nyquil. My drug of choice was benadryl though. In December of my 6th grade, my mother put me into therapy with a man named named Dr.Z.
So, my 6th grade year was a nightmare. I was horrified of my mother and night time.
The summer after 6th grade is when it all collapsed. I was at my best friend’s house watching a movie. I came home late, about 10 PM. My parents were angry, said that we needed to talk. They pulled out my journal, the journal that I had been using to keep myself afloat during night terror hours. I made my family promise to never look at it. That journal had several things of importance to my parents, talking about the abuse from my brother, my drug use, how I didn’t believe in God anymore, and how I planned on killing myself plus a suicide note. So that’s pretty cool. They were angry at me, my worst fears became reality. I remember being so shocked when they told me what they found that i was unable to speak for 10 or so minutes. I couldn’t cry. I was just so ashamed. My brother was at scout camp for all of this. They were so angry when I told them I didn’t believe in God. But how could I? At the time I felt like I was haunted, like there were demons all around me. The night terrors were so intense at this point. I barely slept.
That night I just sat and stared at the ceiling with a blank mind. I felt my body shutting down, like I was high, except I hadn’t consumed any drugs. My brother would be at scout camp for another 2 days, so I spent the next 48 hours just waiting for what would come.
It was not pretty when he came home. I heard their arguments through the walls. My brother was screaming and wailing. They found so much porn on his 3ds and the computer that they never bothered to hide adult content on, or check the search history. My mother ended up confiscating all of our devices, games, access to internet, no one was allowed to come over or go out. It went on like this for a long time.
My parents made an executive decision. A weird, rash one, but knowing their context having grown up in super small white mormon towns, it sort of made sense. They called the police. They just thought they would scare him into never watching porn again, or something like that. But they didn’t understand that we moved to Los Angeles, a city where cops are not known to have that small town hospitality. And John was a little brown, native, hispanic boy. He was not a white blue eyed individual. He was very dark, and so was I. They interviewed John, and then me. Two interviews with and without parents. They were two white cops, around 35-40, a male and female. They were not friendly. I was 12 and they grilled me like an adult criminal. They were so mean to my parents too. I know I’ve been shitting on them but they were so heart broken and sad that they let this happen. That night I watched my 14 year old brother who I still loved so much getting arrested on a rape charge. My mother screamed and bawled her eyes out. She asked me how could I let this happen to their family. Why would I tell the police the things I did. I only told them the truth though, I did not say “John raped me.” Even though he did, I didn’t know that it was rape at the time. Not until all of the court hearings, and years after my family tried to convince me it wasn’t rape, I recognize that it was rape.
My mother was so angry for so long. I never saw her happy until maybe 3 years later. She couldn’t even smile. Why did I do this? Why did I tear my family apart? I never should have let him touch me or written in the journal.
My mother sent me in to talk to our “Bishop,” the mormon equivalent of a pastor. He took away my temple recommendation. This is a big deal in the church, he said I cannot go into the temple because I lost my virginity and that I destroyed my family. He said that to a 12 year old rape victim. He advised me to cover up more and to keep my legs closed in the future. I felt so disgusted.
I went to a few different court dates. My mother’s best friend came down to stay with us. I referred to her as “Aunt Jane.” She stayed with us for several court meetings and tried to convince me that John did absolutely nothing wrong. That this was completely my fault, maybe if I had changed the way that I acted or dressed around him, or if I had fought him harder then maybe I would still have my virginity. She insisted I take the blame in court. I remember her sitting beside me as we are waiting on the bench in the court room. The parole officer opened the doors and said “the victim and her family may come in” or something like that. Idk, I was 12. She muttered in my ear, “I like how they’re calling you the victim,” in a very sarcastic tone.
My mother heavily pressured me to testify in a way that would minimize the situation. I did not lie, but i tried as hard as I could to play it down. The judge saw through this though. She saw how terrified I was. She punished my brother what I believed to be adequate. He was sentenced to 6 months of juvee with some sort of sexual assault charge. My parents were furious, they couldn’t believe that she had sent him to juvee. My mother took all of this out on me, of course. I was made to feel like all of this was my fault. She punished me and screamed all the time. I hadn’t seen her smile or be happy in forever.
I remember having to go to some sort of CPS meeting. They talked to me alone. This was the first social interaction I had genuinely enjoyed in a while, since I wasn’t allowed to hang out with my friends, and my loved ones hated me. I remember our conversations very vividly because it was the first person to really listen to me and make me feel like it wasn’t my fault. I loved this experience. She asked me what happened, told me she is so sorry about what I went through.
Unfortunately, this was NOT my CPS case worker. My case worker was a fat black woman. Who asked me “why did you have sex with him? You know you can get pregnant, right?” No, miss lady whose name I don’t recall. I was a fucking 11 year old and did not really think about the repurcussions of sexual intercourse with my fucking older brother.
2015- 7th Grade (13)
Middle school was rough.
John is in juvee for 6 months, and he gets out during my beginning of 7th grade.
I had pretty much no friends due to being isolated for so long. At some point I had extreme gender dysmorphia and thought I was trans, though. I dont anymore, pretty sure this was just a symptom of sexual abuse. Ever since the 5th grade I had been very into emo, punk, alternative, and rock music. I was going through an emo phase. I still am, to be honest. Actually, I think a big part of my 20 year old self going and getting goth tattoos and multiple facial piercings was healing my little emo self. I correlate my emo phase with some of the worst years of my life. Not that being emo was bad, looking back it was silly and cringe but I still like the music and style. My mom hated it so much though, she actually made me throw out all of my “emo” shirts. I had spent a lot of money on these, if you (idk who im talking to bc no one will ever read this hopefully) ever went to hot topic, you know those shirts were $20+tax. $20 was a lot back then, especially to a 12 year old! She hated my music, she hated everything about me, and at one point my mom made it a rule that I was not allowed to use headphones bc she wanted to monitor the music I was listening to. And if i were to download music to my ipod, then my father had to go thru each and every song lyrics AND listen to it to make sure it’s not too “emo.” If a song had “damn” in it or any inclination of sex, I wasn’t allowed to listen to it.
I know this is just first world problem shit. My parents tried their best and we had money to go around, but this isn’t the only example of batshit crazy stuff my parents did. I have many, many more that I do not feel like typing. Basically, I grew up extremely sheltered with helicopter parents. I hated it
2016- 8th Grade (14)
I really don’t have much to put here to be honest. I forgot to mention, but once John was out of juvee I had a restraining order against him, placed by the judge, no one had a say in it. This restraining order was set indefinitely until the judge sees that he is fit to be near me again. He is living at my parents friends’ house. 8th grade was actually not a bad year for me, besides my parents still being psychos, I’m still having drug and sleep issues, I’m mostly miserable BUT! I have a friend group with 7 people! And theyre boys! Not in a weird way, at this point in my life I thought I was lesbian. I’ve gotten along with males better and still do to this day (yes, genuine male friends who ive never slept with). But, my mom started to let me hang out with friends again! I was allowed to go to downtown with my friends after school. It was a 10 minute walk away. I had some of the funnest days down there with my buds. We’d always get blaze pizza, they were so fun to hang out with. We were all nerdy ass kids on a discord server. Life was looking up for a little.
John was expected to move back in soon and I was so excited. Partially to see him, because I did miss him, but mostly because I just wanted my family to be back together. I wanted to see my parents happy again.
3 days before the 9th grade, we had a court hearing to determine whether or not John was fit to be placed back into our home. My parents didn’t think it was going to happen because the judge really did not like them, which is understandable. Looking back I thought of the judge as the bad guy because of how much my parents shit on her, but she wasnt. If I was a judge in this case, I would feel for the little girl too. The nervous, scared, broken, shaking little girl that stood up in front of her and measly attempted to downplay my brother’s rape and abuse. She saw all of my loved one stand up for my brother and not me, and she felt for me. For that, I cannot hate her. She took my family apart but, it was for the best. Maybe John and I really did need 2 years apart.
At this point, I am incredibly hypersexual. I was masturbating daily with a wooden hairbrush. I was overweight and had a lesbian haircut. I was also still so incredibly awkward and had no friends outside of my little circle. I didn’t talk to anyone in class, I was kind of a loser. This point in my life was the most insecure I’ve ever been. I was also still talking to Adam Jones. We are sexting every day. He is out of high school at this point I believe, I really can’t remember. I don’t regret him grooming me. It was someone to talk to to distract the pain with. None of my friends knew what was going on. I needed an escape.
Side note: as some point during my freshman year, my therapist, who had helped me through my sexual traumas, began to grope me. At first, I believed it was an accident. But after three times in a row where he groped my breasts and buttocks, I did not believe it was an accident. I stopped seeing him after the third time, where he firmly groped my buttocks.
2017- 9th grade (15)
I think this was actually the happiest point of my life before 4th grade. This is probably the last time I remember being happy. My brother moved back in during the summer, and I had dedicated my summer to losing weight. I went from about 155 to 130! I felt great, I got into skincare, makeup, fashion a little bit. My parents were happy for the first time in so long. I had picked up bass guitar during my 8th grade year and It was awesome! I was so happy. I just want to go back to my first day of high school. I finally had the same confidence and desire to be around people that I had before 4th grade. It felt like everything was coming back into place.
Unfortunately, I was still incredibly hyper sexual. I masturbated a LOT. like multiple times a day at least. Boys at school gave me a LOT of new attention that I had never received before. In my brain I was still the weird, fat girl that I had always been growing up, so getting attention like this from a boy was a completely new feeling. His name was Enrique, the first boy that gave me that attention. I had never even kissed a man at this point. Enrique was hot, I still think he is. He was captain of the water polo team, half hispanic half black. A fit, good looking man. Never in my dreams did I picture someone like that would have given me attention. I can’t even remember how we met, honestly. He was a year above me, a sophomore. He took my virginity (I do not count John), without a condom, in the gender neutral bathroom before first period. I was 14 years old. I loved every second of it. I was in love with him, he was my first for everything. I had never even had a boy like me before. For context, I had two close male friends (genuine male friends who never tried getting in my pants or anything like that). Their names were Chris and Chad . Chris was on water polo with Enrique, which come to think is probably how we met. After I told Chris that I slept with Enrique, he informed me that he had a girlfriend of 4 years. I was devastated. My first real heartbreak. Anyways, I don’t care about Enrique anymore. The point of this anecdote is that I had a completely broken concept of what sex means. I did not think that maybe I should not have sex with anyone who asked, and especially not in the fucking gender neutral bathroom.
me losing my virginity snowballed into having rampant sex with anyone who would pay any attention to me. In my freshman year alone, my body count was most likely 12 or so. I did not believe that sex correlated with self respect or discipline whatsoever. I thought my actions were completely normal. And of course, most of the high school knew what I was doing. I also sent nudes to many boys. And some screenshots went around. Everyone knew what I was. A dirty, fucking, whore. But I didn’t care at this point. I had so many friends and classes were so much fun! I was good friends with all of my table mates and we had so much fun
My main friend group, the one from middle school, knew as well. They were clearly uncomfortable and drifting away from me. I started hanging out with a different group more. They were similar to my other group, nerdy white asian kids. We had a discord that we talked on everyday. I was also hanging out with Chris and Chad a lot at this point.
One day, I sent a school shooting joke to a friend. His name was Brandon. His mother saw it and called the police. I ended up getting arrested and suspended for 10 days. This was pretty traumatic when it happened but honestly I look back and laugh.
After this, I attempted to kill myself by drinking an entire bottle of vodka. My mother found me in the church closet and brought me to the hospital where my stomach was pumped. Had she not found me i would have died. I wish i was never found.
Alex.
We met through Chris because he was on water polo. I was friends with a lot of WP players. Should i skip this story? Its hard to tell it.
Here is a link to the soundcloud playlist i made when we were dating. I loved you so much. You took my innocence you took everything from me.
Alex and I began dating, and he wasn’t just using me for sex. He was so obsessed with me and I mistook that for love. I honestly don’t really want to go into large amounts of detail, because our relationship was a year long and there is so much fucking lore, i just dont wanna type all of it. But he physically, sexually, and emotionally abused me. To an extreme. There were many times he would go too far in bed, he would push my boundaries and i would scream for him to stop but he wouldnt. He told me i would let him do this if i loved him. I was young, i didnt fully understand how sex worked. I believed him. He made me give him passwords to everything, tracked me, it felt like i was walking on eggshells. I would never picture cheating on him. I loved him so much. I spent all my energy and effort on this man. He left me for his ex. The girl that i had asked him to stop talking to so many times. Why didnt i stand up for myself? Bc i was utterly obsessed with this man, i felt like he was my entire world. He ends up leaving lolo for me anyways. At some point during this, as i was walking home from wrestling match, Lolo her friend Kaitlyn, and kaitlyn’s bf beat my ass to the point of a black eye, fractured nose, and lots of bruises then threw me into a dumpster. They took lots of photos which circulated. I told my mom it was from a wrestling match. I never told anyone what happened, i was so embarrassed. After this, i got boxing gloves and learned some self defense techniques. I have NEVER lost another fight after this, and I’ve gotten into a few. In fact, the rest of my life after this point I’ve always focused on upper body at the gym. I NEVER wanted to feel weak again. I’m actually incredibily confident in my ability to fight these days, as I tend to go out and start shit at bars a lot. I am a lot stronger than I look, probably because I am filled with uncontrollable rage.
Throughout our relationship alex made me cut off all of my male friends. He made me block everyone even cousins. I had done absolutely nothing to make him think i was cheating. He consistently skyped me and made me watch him cut himself, telling me that i made him do this. I could write pages of things that he did to me but i dont have the time. Our relationship ended when he said he found someone better and left me. He told me hed been cheating the entire time.
I dont know why this affected my life so much but it did.
2018- 10th grade (16)
This year wasn’t bad to be honest. Alex was out of my life at the very start of the school year. I kept doing well in all of my classes. I began smoking a lot of pot tho. Peter and i are very close and briefly dated before going back as friends. On my 16 birthday was the first day i sold my body. I met a man at the movie theatres a week prior. I wont go into detail but he basically pimped me out. I slept with 10 ish men before my parents became very concerned as to where i was getting all of this money from. I racked around $200 a session. They knew my age. They knew i was only 16 years old. Their ages ranged from 35-60. It was so gross and i hated it. My “pimp” threatened me if i stopped. One day i just had enough and had to stop though, i threatened to tell my parents and he blocked me.
I lost all of my friends at the very end of this school year because im a toxic, angry, piece of shit. Besides Natalie chris chad and Jolie.
2019 - 11th grade (17)
I was incredibly depressed at the start of this year. I didnt have many friends. I began a 2 year old college program called IB. it was rigorous, i had 8+ hours of homework a day, but it kept me busy. But hey, i was top 30/650 in my class!
I met a man named Holden. We began fucking/dating (mostly fucking). He introduced me into a world of drugs. I tried coke, GHB, ketamine, molly, xanax, and some other mystery pills that i never even knew the name of. Probably a perc or something similar. One time, after accidentally taking all of his pills he blew up on me and got violent. Never hit me, but threw thing, pushed me into a wall… etc
The next day i went to greece with my family. While i was there i found out that he was cheating on me bc he posted on his private story in bed with a lady naked. Mustve forgotten i was on there. I blocked him and we never spoke again.
My rampant drug use continued. I had an ecstasy addiction for about 2 months. I abused adderall and other uppers for 8 months before i quit.
At the end of this school year i began dating Luciano.
2021 -12th grade (18)
Senior year was okay. I made a few more friends. luciano , or luc, was a loser. I had to do all of his homework. BUT he was rich and went to our rival school that was private and cost 80k a year to go to. He was an oaky bf. I attempted to leave him about 12 times but was never allowed. When i mean enver allowed, like physically. He literally locked me in bathrooms, boarded the doors shut… i tried to escape through a window and he caught me. But to be fair, after all of this attempted entrapment, I began to abuse him. He was much smaller than me. At the time, I weighed around 150 lbs and he was about 110 lbs. I physically abused him because it gave me a sense of control. I think it kind of turned me on too. It only happened a dozen or so times, it wasn’t everyday.
In february of 2021 i found out i was pregnant. This was surprising, i was on birth control. I really wanted the baby actually. I was so happy! My parents were very supportive. Until 2.5 months later the nurse tells me that i miscarried. I was distraught. I began drinking A LOT. 3 months later, i go into get bloodwork done because i had been incredibly sick and miserable recently. Turns out I AM 5 MONTHS PREGNANT. The nurse misdiagnosed me. I had no idea what to do. Would my baby be okay? I had been vaping, smoking a shit ton of weed and drinking a fuck ton of liquor. At this point i also realized that the last person id want to have a child with was luciano. I did what i never thought i would do. I had an abortion. I am in no means pro choice, and i would never support a 5 month abortion but i had it when the doctors basically said my baby is fucked. Technically speaking, I would support another woman (based off varying circumstances) having an abortion but not myself. I never pictured myself having an abortion. I miss him everyday. I still keep his photo in my wallet. His name would have been Skyler.
My abortion, because it was so late, had to be surgical. When i first got there, they inserted metal clamps into my cervix and gave me several cervical shots. I had to sit in the room for 5 hours with NO painkillers to let the clamps loosen my cervix. I had never been in so much pain in my life. To this day i cannot think about anything being inserted into any private parts without having a physical reaction. There was one time my friend was telling me about how she got an IUD in her cervix and i kept asking her to stop talking about but she wouldnt so i puked. I writhed in pain for 5 hours the lady next to me was named Carmen. I remember that. It was her 5th abortion. I remember thinking that she was so gross and slutty for that, but how could I judge her?I was in here having a 5 month abortion. There was a tv in the room that ONLY played some kind of ad for a ninja stickless frying pan. I couldnt sleep at all because of the mass amounts of pain i was in. i cannot emphasize enough how painful this all was. There were also IVs in my arms for those 8 hours that i was in that facility. I remember freaking out at one point and trying to rip them out but the nurse wouldnt let me. The nurses were so kind. I remember crying when they called me in to put me under and begin the procedure. I didnt want to kill my baby, but i had to. My doctors name was Steve. I woke up and remember asking the doctors where luciano was, where my baby was.. Luciano drove me home, and bitched at me the entire time like he always did. He didnt care that i just went under an 8 hour painful procedure. He was so mean to me on the way home. I came home and got ready for an 8 hour shift. Fun times.
If you’re somehow reading this skyler… i miss you. Im sorry i couldnt bring you into this world. I regret it all the time. I think about you almost every day, amd its been almost 4 years. You would have been beautiful. I think all the time about how different my life would have been.
Itwasnt until i came to college that i could finally leave him. By the time i left him i had already been dating Solomon for a month, LOL. this is the only time i cheated and didnt really feel bad… luc threatened to kill himself and various other things if I left him.
2022- Freshman year (19)
I move to louisiana for college. Everyone asked me why i moved here. I tell them bc i think the state is beautiful, and i wanted a change of scenery… which is true. But i didnt move to LA for that. I moved bc i knew that LA was the last place anyone would look for me. I wanted to leave my past behind.
Since moving to LA i’ve done a good job actually. Ive only slept with 5 men, not bad for college tbh. I did end up cheating on solo with a woman. He broke my arm. Solo and i were very physical with each other, he would sort our arguments out physically a lot. We are still good friends to this day. He actually just recently offered to go beat up a dude whos been shit talking me, LOL.
i was sent to the psych ward for attempting to kill myself. But other than that, and my intense drinking problem, its been better.
2023- Sophomore Year (20)
No, not really. Im incredibly depressed and somewhere down the line i went from a very sweet loving BPD girl to a serial cheater narc. I dont know what happened honestly, i just got angry at the world. I was tired of being used and abused and i wanted to take it out on men. I really only abuse men. Never friends tho, im a pretty good friend id say. I love my friends. Only men who want to have sex with me, it’s like a trigger or something. If theyre attracted / try and fuck me it gives me the green light to destroy their life.
What sent me into a deep depression was that summer where I lived with Chris and Paris. Paris scammed me out of $1400 which I still affects me to this day. After I moved out of this place I have never recovered. I was sent into a deep depression which is still affecting me into this day. I started doing my porn, specifically on chaturbate.com. My username is []. iF you look this username up you can find unlimited nudes of me. This is not me anymore. I am no longer a slut and I refuse to show myself nude to random men. I wish I had never done this. I wish I had preserved my dignity, but at the time I felt like I deserved it. It felt like a punishment I deserve because of the disgusting person I was. I’ve cheated on so many people, I’ve done so many people wrong. How could I ever deserve anything else? Only recently have I discovered how to respect myself. I don’t put out anymore. Actually, I don’t even think that I enjoy sex tbh. I think I just do it for the ego supply.
I think what REALLY flipped the switch was austin cheating on me. I actually hadnt cheated on him. I was very loyal and loving. He cheated with a friend. It sucked.
I wish i had someone to reminisce over, I listen to break up songs and don’t even miss anyone in particular. I have never formed that kind of connection with anyone. Everyone is just a temporary ego supply to me. I wish I could form real connections with people. I wish I could relate to love songs. Alex was the only one ever, and it was probably just a trauma bond to be honest. There was another dude, [] who i had a sort of fling with. I really liked him too.he was my most recent little male venture. I think the only reason I liked him so much is because he knew i banged his friend, and so i felt like i had to prove myself to him. Odd, right?
Im trash.
It is a miracle im still alive. I should have died a long time ago and i think about it alllll the time. I just can’t do that to my parents. My friends would get over it. But mom, dad, john… i cant do that to them. The second my parents pass away, which will hopefully be soon since they’re old, i will kill myself ASAP. no question.
I truly believe im some form of succubus put on this earth to punish men. There is no other reason why god would send me this amount of pain.

Hello, I cannot give out my real name but you can call me Chrissy. I am writing my life story here because i’ve never told it to anyone before. No one has really cared to listen, and ive been too embarrassed to tell my complete life story to a therapist. My life story has made me into the person I am: an unlovable, sociopathic, abusive, monster. I have been diagnosed with ASPD (sociopathy) and NPD (narcissism). So, reddit, here it is, in all its glory. Thank you for taking the time to read this, I appreciate you so so much. Please read to the end, it’s pretty interesting I think.
I was born December 11, 2002 of Mexican and native descent. At birth I was adopted into the care of two older white people.
In January, 2001 they adopted my brother, lets call him John.
I was raised LDS (mormon), in a very strict white family. We were sheltered from a lot of media. I was innocent growing up.
Other than that, my parents were very involved with us. I was active, participated in clubs, mom was part of PFA, all that jazz. She was a SAHM and I was never alone really. I’d say they were good parents. I was an extremely energetic, happy, social child. My brother and I had an amazing relationship. We fought sometimes but we played together a lot. We were like two peas in a pod.
2012-3rd grade (11)
For several months I had a teacher molesting me. I don’t remember much to be honest. Another staff member walked in when I was in his classroom during recess. Because of failure to report or something, my parents sued the school and I got a fat settlement. I can’t say this traumatized me since I don’t remember much, I just figured I would add this.
2013- 4th Grade (10)
This is when everything started, when life went downhill and I was knocked down for so many years after this. John began showing me porn and talking about sexual things with me. Just small stuff, like telling me about sex and what it is. This went on for several months. Then, he began touching me. We would wrestle and tickle each other a lot, and he’d sneak in a boob or vaginal grab. It then progressed into him fingering me against my will. I remember getting my period at age 10 and thinking I shat myself. 10 is not a normal age for a girl to get her period, and this should have been my mother’s first sign. Sometimes, he would do this a lot but other times he would go months without touching me. I also began wetting the bed at this point, which I hadn’t done since I was 4.
2013- 5th Grade (11)
John becomes more aggressive in the way he touches me and our relationship is severely diminishing. I always had very long nails and used them for my defense. I remember my mom always getting so mad at me because she saw the scratch marks and my brother ratted me out. I felt so dirty, so gross. I wasn’t a dumb kid, I kind of knew what I was doing was wrong because we were supposed to wait until marriage. That’s why I didn’t tell anyone, I was so afraid of getting in trouble because I had lost my virginity. I remember losing my virginity vividly. We were in my bathroom. It hurt, badly. It was not consensual. He told me that if I didn’t do this then he would tell mom and I would get grounded for life. An 11 year old’s vagina is not meant for a penis to penetrate.
Side note: as some point in the 5th grade I began watching porn and sexting 45+ yos online.
There were a lot, but there were 3 major ones who were in my life for a long period of time. Their names were: Dorito Diaz, Nick Moore, and Adam Jones. Adam Jones was the only one who was relatively close to my age. I believe he was 17 when we started sexting.
Another side note: I went to visit my aunt jane because my parents were on some sort of churchl trip. During this trip, my aunt jane’s husband, Randy, made several sexual comments to me that ranged from “you look sexy in your wetsuit to” “Your body would be more beautiful without that towel off,” when I attempted to run from the shower to my room with a towel. He also slightly grabbed my bum once. I was only 11 years old.
2014- 6th Grade (12)
My parents have began to notice that my usual hyper, lively self was diminishing. I had began cutting myself, arguing with my family, doing worse in school. My mother’s reaction to this was to make me lose weight, tell me that im too young to be this sad, to get over myself. Her idea of helping was punishing me for mental illness symptoms. I began having night terrors and horrible insomnia. I remember staying awake for 55 hours straight at one point. She punished me when I wouldn’t fall asleep within an hour. She punished me if I wasn’t being as talkative, etc. This is also when I began abusing drugs. I used nyquil, benadryl, sudafed, you name it. I’m not sure why I ever did this, if I’m being honest. I wasn’t allowed to watch mature TV at the time and didn’t know anyone who abused drugs, or know much about drugs. I don’t think I knew i was doing “drugs.” I think it originally started as a way to harm myself by taking random meds, but then I realized it felt so good. I was doing a LOT at once, like 18 sudafed, or 15 benadryl, or 10 nyquil. My drug of choice was benadryl though. In December of my 6th grade, my mother put me into therapy with a man named named Dr.Z.
So, my 6th grade year was a nightmare. I was horrified of my mother and night time.
The summer after 6th grade is when it all collapsed. I was at my best friend’s house watching a movie. I came home late, about 10 PM. My parents were angry, said that we needed to talk. They pulled out my journal, the journal that I had been using to keep myself afloat during night terror hours. I made my family promise to never look at it. That journal had several things of importance to my parents, talking about the abuse from my brother, my drug use, how I didn’t believe in God anymore, and how I planned on killing myself plus a suicide note. So that’s pretty cool. They were angry at me, my worst fears became reality. I remember being so shocked when they told me what they found that i was unable to speak for 10 or so minutes. I couldn’t cry. I was just so ashamed. My brother was at scout camp for all of this. They were so angry when I told them I didn’t believe in God. But how could I? At the time I felt like I was haunted, like there were demons all around me. The night terrors were so intense at this point. I barely slept.
That night I just sat and stared at the ceiling with a blank mind. I felt my body shutting down, like I was high, except I hadn’t consumed any drugs. My brother would be at scout camp for another 2 days, so I spent the next 48 hours just waiting for what would come.
It was not pretty when he came home. I heard their arguments through the walls. My brother was screaming and wailing. They found so much porn on his 3ds and the computer that they never bothered to hide adult content on, or check the search history. My mother ended up confiscating all of our devices, games, access to internet, no one was allowed to come over or go out. It went on like this for a long time.
My parents made an executive decision. A weird, rash one, but knowing their context having grown up in super small white mormon towns, it sort of made sense. They called the police. They just thought they would scare him into never watching porn again, or something like that. But they didn’t understand that we moved to Los Angeles, a city where cops are not known to have that small town hospitality. And John was a little brown, native, hispanic boy. He was not a white blue eyed individual. He was very dark, and so was I. They interviewed John, and then me. Two interviews with and without parents. They were two white cops, around 35-40, a male and female. They were not friendly. I was 12 and they grilled me like an adult criminal. They were so mean to my parents too. I know I’ve been shitting on them but they were so heart broken and sad that they let this happen. That night I watched my 14 year old brother who I still loved so much getting arrested on a rape charge. My mother screamed and bawled her eyes out. She asked me how could I let this happen to their family. Why would I tell the police the things I did. I only told them the truth though, I did not say “John raped me.” Even though he did, I didn’t know that it was rape at the time. Not until all of the court hearings, and years after my family tried to convince me it wasn’t rape, I recognize that it was rape.
My mother was so angry for so long. I never saw her happy until maybe 3 years later. She couldn’t even smile. Why did I do this? Why did I tear my family apart? I never should have let him touch me or written in the journal.
My mother sent me in to talk to our “Bishop,” the mormon equivalent of a pastor. He took away my temple recommendation. This is a big deal in the church, he said I cannot go into the temple because I lost my virginity and that I destroyed my family. He said that to a 12 year old rape victim. He advised me to cover up more and to keep my legs closed in the future. I felt so disgusted.
I went to a few different court dates. My mother’s best friend came down to stay with us. I referred to her as “Aunt Jane.” She stayed with us for several court meetings and tried to convince me that John did absolutely nothing wrong. That this was completely my fault, maybe if I had changed the way that I acted or dressed around him, or if I had fought him harder then maybe I would still have my virginity. She insisted I take the blame in court. I remember her sitting beside me as we are waiting on the bench in the court room. The parole officer opened the doors and said “the victim and her family may come in” or something like that. Idk, I was 12. She muttered in my ear, “I like how they’re calling you the victim,” in a very sarcastic tone.
My mother heavily pressured me to testify in a way that would minimize the situation. I did not lie, but i tried as hard as I could to play it down. The judge saw through this though. She saw how terrified I was. She punished my brother what I believed to be adequate. He was sentenced to 6 months of juvee with some sort of sexual assault charge. My parents were furious, they couldn’t believe that she had sent him to juvee. My mother took all of this out on me, of course. I was made to feel like all of this was my fault. She punished me and screamed all the time. I hadn’t seen her smile or be happy in forever.
I remember having to go to some sort of CPS meeting. They talked to me alone. This was the first social interaction I had genuinely enjoyed in a while, since I wasn’t allowed to hang out with my friends, and my loved ones hated me. I remember our conversations very vividly because it was the first person to really listen to me and make me feel like it wasn’t my fault. I loved this experience. She asked me what happened, told me she is so sorry about what I went through.
Unfortunately, this was NOT my CPS case worker. My case worker was a fat black woman. Who asked me “why did you have sex with him? You know you can get pregnant, right?” No, miss lady whose name I don’t recall. I was a fucking 11 year old and did not really think about the repurcussions of sexual intercourse with my fucking older brother.
2015- 7th Grade (13)
Middle school was rough.
John is in juvee for 6 months, and he gets out during my beginning of 7th grade.
I had pretty much no friends due to being isolated for so long. At some point I had extreme gender dysmorphia and thought I was trans, though. I dont anymore, pretty sure this was just a symptom of sexual abuse. Ever since the 5th grade I had been very into emo, punk, alternative, and rock music. I was going through an emo phase. I still am, to be honest. Actually, I think a big part of my 20 year old self going and getting goth tattoos and multiple facial piercings was healing my little emo self. I correlate my emo phase with some of the worst years of my life. Not that being emo was bad, looking back it was silly and cringe but I still like the music and style. My mom hated it so much though, she actually made me throw out all of my “emo” shirts. I had spent a lot of money on these, if you (idk who im talking to bc no one will ever read this hopefully) ever went to hot topic, you know those shirts were $20+tax. $20 was a lot back then, especially to a 12 year old! She hated my music, she hated everything about me, and at one point my mom made it a rule that I was not allowed to use headphones bc she wanted to monitor the music I was listening to. And if i were to download music to my ipod, then my father had to go thru each and every song lyrics AND listen to it to make sure it’s not too “emo.” If a song had “damn” in it or any inclination of sex, I wasn’t allowed to listen to it.
I know this is just first world problem shit. My parents tried their best and we had money to go around, but this isn’t the only example of batshit crazy stuff my parents did. I have many, many more that I do not feel like typing. Basically, I grew up extremely sheltered with helicopter parents. I hated it
2016- 8th Grade (14)
I really don’t have much to put here to be honest. I forgot to mention, but once John was out of juvee I had a restraining order against him, placed by the judge, no one had a say in it. This restraining order was set indefinitely until the judge sees that he is fit to be near me again. He is living at my parents friends’ house. 8th grade was actually not a bad year for me, besides my parents still being psychos, I’m still having drug and sleep issues, I’m mostly miserable BUT! I have a friend group with 7 people! And theyre boys! Not in a weird way, at this point in my life I thought I was lesbian. I’ve gotten along with males better and still do to this day (yes, genuine male friends who ive never slept with). But, my mom started to let me hang out with friends again! I was allowed to go to downtown with my friends after school. It was a 10 minute walk away. I had some of the funnest days down there with my buds. We’d always get blaze pizza, they were so fun to hang out with. We were all nerdy ass kids on a discord server. Life was looking up for a little.
John was expected to move back in soon and I was so excited. Partially to see him, because I did miss him, but mostly because I just wanted my family to be back together. I wanted to see my parents happy again.
3 days before the 9th grade, we had a court hearing to determine whether or not John was fit to be placed back into our home. My parents didn’t think it was going to happen because the judge really did not like them, which is understandable. Looking back I thought of the judge as the bad guy because of how much my parents shit on her, but she wasnt. If I was a judge in this case, I would feel for the little girl too. The nervous, scared, broken, shaking little girl that stood up in front of her and measly attempted to downplay my brother’s rape and abuse. She saw all of my loved one stand up for my brother and not me, and she felt for me. For that, I cannot hate her. She took my family apart but, it was for the best. Maybe John and I really did need 2 years apart.
At this point, I am incredibly hypersexual. I was masturbating daily with a wooden hairbrush. I was overweight and had a lesbian haircut. I was also still so incredibly awkward and had no friends outside of my little circle. I didn’t talk to anyone in class, I was kind of a loser. This point in my life was the most insecure I’ve ever been. I was also still talking to Adam Jones. We are sexting every day. He is out of high school at this point I believe, I really can’t remember. I don’t regret him grooming me. It was someone to talk to to distract the pain with. None of my friends knew what was going on. I needed an escape.
Side note: as some point during my freshman year, my therapist, who had helped me through my sexual traumas, began to grope me. At first, I believed it was an accident. But after three times in a row where he groped my breasts and buttocks, I did not believe it was an accident. I stopped seeing him after the third time, where he firmly groped my buttocks.
2017- 9th grade (15)
I think this was actually the happiest point of my life before 4th grade. This is probably the last time I remember being happy. My brother moved back in during the summer, and I had dedicated my summer to losing weight. I went from about 155 to 130! I felt great, I got into skincare, makeup, fashion a little bit. My parents were happy for the first time in so long. I had picked up bass guitar during my 8th grade year and It was awesome! I was so happy. I just want to go back to my first day of high school. I finally had the same confidence and desire to be around people that I had before 4th grade. It felt like everything was coming back into place.
Unfortunately, I was still incredibly hyper sexual. I masturbated a LOT. like multiple times a day at least. Boys at school gave me a LOT of new attention that I had never received before. In my brain I was still the weird, fat girl that I had always been growing up, so getting attention like this from a boy was a completely new feeling. His name was Enrique, the first boy that gave me that attention. I had never even kissed a man at this point. Enrique was hot, I still think he is. He was captain of the water polo team, half hispanic half black. A fit, good looking man. Never in my dreams did I picture someone like that would have given me attention. I can’t even remember how we met, honestly. He was a year above me, a sophomore. He took my virginity (I do not count John), without a condom, in the gender neutral bathroom before first period. I was 14 years old. I loved every second of it. I was in love with him, he was my first for everything. I had never even had a boy like me before. For context, I had two close male friends (genuine male friends who never tried getting in my pants or anything like that). Their names were Chris and Chad . Chris was on water polo with Enrique, which come to think is probably how we met. After I told Chris that I slept with Enrique, he informed me that he had a girlfriend of 4 years. I was devastated. My first real heartbreak. Anyways, I don’t care about Enrique anymore. The point of this anecdote is that I had a completely broken concept of what sex means. I did not think that maybe I should not have sex with anyone who asked, and especially not in the fucking gender neutral bathroom.
me losing my virginity snowballed into having rampant sex with anyone who would pay any attention to me. In my freshman year alone, my body count was most likely 12 or so. I did not believe that sex correlated with self respect or discipline whatsoever. I thought my actions were completely normal. And of course, most of the high school knew what I was doing. I also sent nudes to many boys. And some screenshots went around. Everyone knew what I was. A dirty, fucking, whore. But I didn’t care at this point. I had so many friends and classes were so much fun! I was good friends with all of my table mates and we had so much fun
My main friend group, the one from middle school, knew as well. They were clearly uncomfortable and drifting away from me. I started hanging out with a different group more. They were similar to my other group, nerdy white asian kids. We had a discord that we talked on everyday. I was also hanging out with Chris and Chad a lot at this point.
One day, I sent a school shooting joke to a friend. His name was Brandon. His mother saw it and called the police. I ended up getting arrested and suspended for 10 days. This was pretty traumatic when it happened but honestly I look back and laugh.
After this, I attempted to kill myself by drinking an entire bottle of vodka. My mother found me in the church closet and brought me to the hospital where my stomach was pumped. Had she not found me i would have died. I wish i was never found.
Alex.
We met through Chris because he was on water polo. I was friends with a lot of WP players. Should i skip this story? Its hard to tell it.
Here is a link to the soundcloud playlist i made when we were dating. I loved you so much. You took my innocence you took everything from me.
Alex and I began dating, and he wasn’t just using me for sex. He was so obsessed with me and I mistook that for love. I honestly don’t really want to go into large amounts of detail, because our relationship was a year long and there is so much fucking lore, i just dont wanna type all of it. But he physically, sexually, and emotionally abused me. To an extreme. There were many times he would go too far in bed, he would push my boundaries and i would scream for him to stop but he wouldnt. He told me i would let him do this if i loved him. I was young, i didnt fully understand how sex worked. I believed him. He made me give him passwords to everything, tracked me, it felt like i was walking on eggshells. I would never picture cheating on him. I loved him so much. I spent all my energy and effort on this man. He left me for his ex. The girl that i had asked him to stop talking to so many times. Why didnt i stand up for myself? Bc i was utterly obsessed with this man, i felt like he was my entire world. He ends up leaving lolo for me anyways. At some point during this, as i was walking home from wrestling match, Lolo her friend Kaitlyn, and kaitlyn’s bf beat my ass to the point of a black eye, fractured nose, and lots of bruises then threw me into a dumpster. They took lots of photos which circulated. I told my mom it was from a wrestling match. I never told anyone what happened, i was so embarrassed. After this, i got boxing gloves and learned some self defense techniques. I have NEVER lost another fight after this, and I’ve gotten into a few. In fact, the rest of my life after this point I’ve always focused on upper body at the gym. I NEVER wanted to feel weak again. I’m actually incredibily confident in my ability to fight these days, as I tend to go out and start shit at bars a lot. I am a lot stronger than I look, probably because I am filled with uncontrollable rage.
Throughout our relationship alex made me cut off all of my male friends. He made me block everyone even cousins. I had done absolutely nothing to make him think i was cheating. He consistently skyped me and made me watch him cut himself, telling me that i made him do this. I could write pages of things that he did to me but i dont have the time. Our relationship ended when he said he found someone better and left me. He told me hed been cheating the entire time.
I dont know why this affected my life so much but it did.
2018- 10th grade (16)
This year wasn’t bad to be honest. Alex was out of my life at the very start of the school year. I kept doing well in all of my classes. I began smoking a lot of pot tho. Peter and i are very close and briefly dated before going back as friends. On my 16 birthday was the first day i sold my body. I met a man at the movie theatres a week prior. I wont go into detail but he basically pimped me out. I slept with 10 ish men before my parents became very concerned as to where i was getting all of this money from. I racked around $200 a session. They knew my age. They knew i was only 16 years old. Their ages ranged from 35-60. It was so gross and i hated it. My “pimp” threatened me if i stopped. One day i just had enough and had to stop though, i threatened to tell my parents and he blocked me.
I lost all of my friends at the very end of this school year because im a toxic, angry, piece of shit. Besides Natalie chris chad and Jolie.
2019 - 11th grade (17)
I was incredibly depressed at the start of this year. I didnt have many friends. I began a 2 year old college program called IB. it was rigorous, i had 8+ hours of homework a day, but it kept me busy. But hey, i was top 30/650 in my class!
I met a man named Holden. We began fucking/dating (mostly fucking). He introduced me into a world of drugs. I tried coke, GHB, ketamine, molly, xanax, and some other mystery pills that i never even knew the name of. Probably a perc or something similar. One time, after accidentally taking all of his pills he blew up on me and got violent. Never hit me, but threw thing, pushed me into a wall… etc
The next day i went to greece with my family. While i was there i found out that he was cheating on me bc he posted on his private story in bed with a lady naked. Mustve forgotten i was on there. I blocked him and we never spoke again.
My rampant drug use continued. I had an ecstasy addiction for about 2 months. I abused adderall and other uppers for 8 months before i quit.
At the end of this school year i began dating Luciano.
2021 -12th grade (18)
Senior year was okay. I made a few more friends. luciano , or luc, was a loser. I had to do all of his homework. BUT he was rich and went to our rival school that was private and cost 80k a year to go to. He was an oaky bf. I attempted to leave him about 12 times but was never allowed. When i mean enver allowed, like physically. He literally locked me in bathrooms, boarded the doors shut… i tried to escape through a window and he caught me. But to be fair, after all of this attempted entrapment, I began to abuse him. He was much smaller than me. At the time, I weighed around 150 lbs and he was about 110 lbs. I physically abused him because it gave me a sense of control. I think it kind of turned me on too. It only happened a dozen or so times, it wasn’t everyday.
In february of 2021 i found out i was pregnant. This was surprising, i was on birth control. I really wanted the baby actually. I was so happy! My parents were very supportive. Until 2.5 months later the nurse tells me that i miscarried. I was distraught. I began drinking A LOT. 3 months later, i go into get bloodwork done because i had been incredibly sick and miserable recently. Turns out I AM 5 MONTHS PREGNANT. The nurse misdiagnosed me. I had no idea what to do. Would my baby be okay? I had been vaping, smoking a shit ton of weed and drinking a fuck ton of liquor. At this point i also realized that the last person id want to have a child with was luciano. I did what i never thought i would do. I had an abortion. I am in no means pro choice, and i would never support a 5 month abortion but i had it when the doctors basically said my baby is fucked. Technically speaking, I would support another woman (based off varying circumstances) having an abortion but not myself. I never pictured myself having an abortion. I miss him everyday. I still keep his photo in my wallet. His name would have been Skyler.
My abortion, because it was so late, had to be surgical. When i first got there, they inserted metal clamps into my cervix and gave me several cervical shots. I had to sit in the room for 5 hours with NO painkillers to let the clamps loosen my cervix. I had never been in so much pain in my life. To this day i cannot think about anything being inserted into any private parts without having a physical reaction. There was one time my friend was telling me about how she got an IUD in her cervix and i kept asking her to stop talking about but she wouldnt so i puked. I writhed in pain for 5 hours the lady next to me was named Carmen. I remember that. It was her 5th abortion. I remember thinking that she was so gross and slutty for that, but how could I judge her?I was in here having a 5 month abortion. There was a tv in the room that ONLY played some kind of ad for a ninja stickless frying pan. I couldnt sleep at all because of the mass amounts of pain i was in. i cannot emphasize enough how painful this all was. There were also IVs in my arms for those 8 hours that i was in that facility. I remember freaking out at one point and trying to rip them out but the nurse wouldnt let me. The nurses were so kind. I remember crying when they called me in to put me under and begin the procedure. I didnt want to kill my baby, but i had to. My doctors name was Steve. I woke up and remember asking the doctors where luciano was, where my baby was.. Luciano drove me home, and bitched at me the entire time like he always did. He didnt care that i just went under an 8 hour painful procedure. He was so mean to me on the way home. I came home and got ready for an 8 hour shift. Fun times.
If you’re somehow reading this skyler… i miss you. Im sorry i couldnt bring you into this world. I regret it all the time. I think about you almost every day, amd its been almost 4 years. You would have been beautiful. I think all the time about how different my life would have been.
Itwasnt until i came to college that i could finally leave him. By the time i left him i had already been dating Solomon for a month, LOL. this is the only time i cheated and didnt really feel bad… luc threatened to kill himself and various other things if I left him.
2022- Freshman year (19)
I move to louisiana for college. Everyone asked me why i moved here. I tell them bc i think the state is beautiful, and i wanted a change of scenery… which is true. But i didnt move to LA for that. I moved bc i knew that LA was the last place anyone would look for me. I wanted to leave my past behind.
Since moving to LA i’ve done a good job actually. Ive only slept with 5 men, not bad for college tbh. I did end up cheating on solo with a woman. He broke my arm. Solo and i were very physical with each other, he would sort our arguments out physically a lot. We are still good friends to this day. He actually just recently offered to go beat up a dude whos been shit talking me, LOL.
i was sent to the psych ward for attempting to kill myself. But other than that, and my intense drinking problem, its been better.
2023- Sophomore Year (20)
No, not really. Im incredibly depressed and somewhere down the line i went from a very sweet loving BPD girl to a serial cheater narc. I dont know what happened honestly, i just got angry at the world. I was tired of being used and abused and i wanted to take it out on men. I really only abuse men. Never friends tho, im a pretty good friend id say. I love my friends. Only men who want to have sex with me, it’s like a trigger or something. If theyre attracted / try and fuck me it gives me the green light to destroy their life.
What sent me into a deep depression was that summer where I lived with Chris and Paris. Paris scammed me out of $1400 which I still affects me to this day. After I moved out of this place I have never recovered. I was sent into a deep depression which is still affecting me into this day. I started doing my porn, specifically on chaturbate.com. My username is []. iF you look this username up you can find unlimited nudes of me. This is not me anymore. I am no longer a slut and I refuse to show myself nude to random men. I wish I had never done this. I wish I had preserved my dignity, but at the time I felt like I deserved it. It felt like a punishment I deserve because of the disgusting person I was. I’ve cheated on so many people, I’ve done so many people wrong. How could I ever deserve anything else? Only recently have I discovered how to respect myself. I don’t put out anymore. Actually, I don’t even think that I enjoy sex tbh. I think I just do it for the ego supply.
I think what REALLY flipped the switch was austin cheating on me. I actually hadnt cheated on him. I was very loyal and loving. He cheated with a friend. It sucked.
I wish i had someone to reminisce over, I listen to break up songs and don’t even miss anyone in particular. I have never formed that kind of connection with anyone. Everyone is just a temporary ego supply to me. I wish I could form real connections with people. I wish I could relate to love songs. Alex was the only one ever, and it was probably just a trauma bond to be honest. There was another dude, [] who i had a sort of fling with. I really liked him too.he was my most recent little male venture. I think the only reason I liked him so much is because he knew i banged his friend, and so i felt like i had to prove myself to him. Odd, right?
Im trash.
It is a miracle im still alive. I should have died a long time ago and i think about it alllll the time. I just can’t do that to my parents. My friends would get over it. But mom, dad, john… i cant do that to them. The second my parents pass away, which will hopefully be soon since they’re old, i will kill myself ASAP. no question.
I truly believe im some form of succubus put on this earth to punish men. There is no other reason why god would send me this amount of pain.

Hello, I cannot give out my real name but you can call me Chrissy. I am writing my life story here because i’ve never told it to anyone before. No one has really cared to listen, and ive been too embarrassed to tell my complete life story to a therapist. My life story has made me into the person I am: an unlovable, sociopathic, abusive, monster. I have been diagnosed with ASPD (sociopathy) and NPD (narcissism). So, reddit, here it is, in all its glory. Thank you for taking the time to read this, I appreciate you so so much. Please read to the end, it’s pretty interesting I think.
I was born December 11, 2002 of Mexican and native descent. At birth I was adopted into the care of two older white people.
In January, 2001 they adopted my brother, lets call him John.
I was raised LDS (mormon), in a very strict white family. We were sheltered from a lot of media. I was innocent growing up.
Other than that, my parents were very involved with us. I was active, participated in clubs, mom was part of PFA, all that jazz. She was a SAHM and I was never alone really. I’d say they were good parents. I was an extremely energetic, happy, social child. My brother and I had an amazing relationship. We fought sometimes but we played together a lot. We were like two peas in a pod.
2012-3rd grade (11)
For several months I had a teacher molesting me. I don’t remember much to be honest. Another staff member walked in when I was in his classroom during recess. Because of failure to report or something, my parents sued the school and I got a fat settlement. I can’t say this traumatized me since I don’t remember much, I just figured I would add this.
2013- 4th Grade (10)
This is when everything started, when life went downhill and I was knocked down for so many years after this. John began showing me porn and talking about sexual things with me. Just small stuff, like telling me about sex and what it is. This went on for several months. Then, he began touching me. We would wrestle and tickle each other a lot, and he’d sneak in a boob or vaginal grab. It then progressed into him fingering me against my will. I remember getting my period at age 10 and thinking I shat myself. 10 is not a normal age for a girl to get her period, and this should have been my mother’s first sign. Sometimes, he would do this a lot but other times he would go months without touching me. I also began wetting the bed at this point, which I hadn’t done since I was 4.
2013- 5th Grade (11)
John becomes more aggressive in the way he touches me and our relationship is severely diminishing. I always had very long nails and used them for my defense. I remember my mom always getting so mad at me because she saw the scratch marks and my brother ratted me out. I felt so dirty, so gross. I wasn’t a dumb kid, I kind of knew what I was doing was wrong because we were supposed to wait until marriage. That’s why I didn’t tell anyone, I was so afraid of getting in trouble because I had lost my virginity. I remember losing my virginity vividly. We were in my bathroom. It hurt, badly. It was not consensual. He told me that if I didn’t do this then he would tell mom and I would get grounded for life. An 11 year old’s vagina is not meant for a penis to penetrate.
Side note: as some point in the 5th grade I began watching porn and sexting 45+ yos online.
There were a lot, but there were 3 major ones who were in my life for a long period of time. Their names were: Dorito Diaz, Nick Moore, and Adam Jones. Adam Jones was the only one who was relatively close to my age. I believe he was 17 when we started sexting.
Another side note: I went to visit my aunt jane because my parents were on some sort of churchl trip. During this trip, my aunt jane’s husband, Randy, made several sexual comments to me that ranged from “you look sexy in your wetsuit to” “Your body would be more beautiful without that towel off,” when I attempted to run from the shower to my room with a towel. He also slightly grabbed my bum once. I was only 11 years old.
2014- 6th Grade (12)
My parents have began to notice that my usual hyper, lively self was diminishing. I had began cutting myself, arguing with my family, doing worse in school. My mother’s reaction to this was to make me lose weight, tell me that im too young to be this sad, to get over myself. Her idea of helping was punishing me for mental illness symptoms. I began having night terrors and horrible insomnia. I remember staying awake for 55 hours straight at one point. She punished me when I wouldn’t fall asleep within an hour. She punished me if I wasn’t being as talkative, etc. This is also when I began abusing drugs. I used nyquil, benadryl, sudafed, you name it. I’m not sure why I ever did this, if I’m being honest. I wasn’t allowed to watch mature TV at the time and didn’t know anyone who abused drugs, or know much about drugs. I don’t think I knew i was doing “drugs.” I think it originally started as a way to harm myself by taking random meds, but then I realized it felt so good. I was doing a LOT at once, like 18 sudafed, or 15 benadryl, or 10 nyquil. My drug of choice was benadryl though. In December of my 6th grade, my mother put me into therapy with a man named named Dr.Z.
So, my 6th grade year was a nightmare. I was horrified of my mother and night time.
The summer after 6th grade is when it all collapsed. I was at my best friend’s house watching a movie. I came home late, about 10 PM. My parents were angry, said that we needed to talk. They pulled out my journal, the journal that I had been using to keep myself afloat during night terror hours. I made my family promise to never look at it. That journal had several things of importance to my parents, talking about the abuse from my brother, my drug use, how I didn’t believe in God anymore, and how I planned on killing myself plus a suicide note. So that’s pretty cool. They were angry at me, my worst fears became reality. I remember being so shocked when they told me what they found that i was unable to speak for 10 or so minutes. I couldn’t cry. I was just so ashamed. My brother was at scout camp for all of this. They were so angry when I told them I didn’t believe in God. But how could I? At the time I felt like I was haunted, like there were demons all around me. The night terrors were so intense at this point. I barely slept.
That night I just sat and stared at the ceiling with a blank mind. I felt my body shutting down, like I was high, except I hadn’t consumed any drugs. My brother would be at scout camp for another 2 days, so I spent the next 48 hours just waiting for what would come.
It was not pretty when he came home. I heard their arguments through the walls. My brother was screaming and wailing. They found so much porn on his 3ds and the computer that they never bothered to hide adult content on, or check the search history. My mother ended up confiscating all of our devices, games, access to internet, no one was allowed to come over or go out. It went on like this for a long time.
My parents made an executive decision. A weird, rash one, but knowing their context having grown up in super small white mormon towns, it sort of made sense. They called the police. They just thought they would scare him into never watching porn again, or something like that. But they didn’t understand that we moved to Los Angeles, a city where cops are not known to have that small town hospitality. And John was a little brown, native, hispanic boy. He was not a white blue eyed individual. He was very dark, and so was I. They interviewed John, and then me. Two interviews with and without parents. They were two white cops, around 35-40, a male and female. They were not friendly. I was 12 and they grilled me like an adult criminal. They were so mean to my parents too. I know I’ve been shitting on them but they were so heart broken and sad that they let this happen. That night I watched my 14 year old brother who I still loved so much getting arrested on a rape charge. My mother screamed and bawled her eyes out. She asked me how could I let this happen to their family. Why would I tell the police the things I did. I only told them the truth though, I did not say “John raped me.” Even though he did, I didn’t know that it was rape at the time. Not until all of the court hearings, and years after my family tried to convince me it wasn’t rape, I recognize that it was rape.
My mother was so angry for so long. I never saw her happy until maybe 3 years later. She couldn’t even smile. Why did I do this? Why did I tear my family apart? I never should have let him touch me or written in the journal.
My mother sent me in to talk to our “Bishop,” the mormon equivalent of a pastor. He took away my temple recommendation. This is a big deal in the church, he said I cannot go into the temple because I lost my virginity and that I destroyed my family. He said that to a 12 year old rape victim. He advised me to cover up more and to keep my legs closed in the future. I felt so disgusted.
I went to a few different court dates. My mother’s best friend came down to stay with us. I referred to her as “Aunt Jane.” She stayed with us for several court meetings and tried to convince me that John did absolutely nothing wrong. That this was completely my fault, maybe if I had changed the way that I acted or dressed around him, or if I had fought him harder then maybe I would still have my virginity. She insisted I take the blame in court. I remember her sitting beside me as we are waiting on the bench in the court room. The parole officer opened the doors and said “the victim and her family may come in” or something like that. Idk, I was 12. She muttered in my ear, “I like how they’re calling you the victim,” in a very sarcastic tone.
My mother heavily pressured me to testify in a way that would minimize the situation. I did not lie, but i tried as hard as I could to play it down. The judge saw through this though. She saw how terrified I was. She punished my brother what I believed to be adequate. He was sentenced to 6 months of juvee with some sort of sexual assault charge. My parents were furious, they couldn’t believe that she had sent him to juvee. My mother took all of this out on me, of course. I was made to feel like all of this was my fault. She punished me and screamed all the time. I hadn’t seen her smile or be happy in forever.
I remember having to go to some sort of CPS meeting. They talked to me alone. This was the first social interaction I had genuinely enjoyed in a while, since I wasn’t allowed to hang out with my friends, and my loved ones hated me. I remember our conversations very vividly because it was the first person to really listen to me and make me feel like it wasn’t my fault. I loved this experience. She asked me what happened, told me she is so sorry about what I went through.
Unfortunately, this was NOT my CPS case worker. My case worker was a fat black woman. Who asked me “why did you have sex with him? You know you can get pregnant, right?” No, miss lady whose name I don’t recall. I was a fucking 11 year old and did not really think about the repurcussions of sexual intercourse with my fucking older brother.
2015- 7th Grade (13)
Middle school was rough.
John is in juvee for 6 months, and he gets out during my beginning of 7th grade.
I had pretty much no friends due to being isolated for so long. At some point I had extreme gender dysmorphia and thought I was trans, though. I dont anymore, pretty sure this was just a symptom of sexual abuse. Ever since the 5th grade I had been very into emo, punk, alternative, and rock music. I was going through an emo phase. I still am, to be honest. Actually, I think a big part of my 20 year old self going and getting goth tattoos and multiple facial piercings was healing my little emo self. I correlate my emo phase with some of the worst years of my life. Not that being emo was bad, looking back it was silly and cringe but I still like the music and style. My mom hated it so much though, she actually made me throw out all of my “emo” shirts. I had spent a lot of money on these, if you (idk who im talking to bc no one will ever read this hopefully) ever went to hot topic, you know those shirts were $20+tax. $20 was a lot back then, especially to a 12 year old! She hated my music, she hated everything about me, and at one point my mom made it a rule that I was not allowed to use headphones bc she wanted to monitor the music I was listening to. And if i were to download music to my ipod, then my father had to go thru each and every song lyrics AND listen to it to make sure it’s not too “emo.” If a song had “damn” in it or any inclination of sex, I wasn’t allowed to listen to it.
I know this is just first world problem shit. My parents tried their best and we had money to go around, but this isn’t the only example of batshit crazy stuff my parents did. I have many, many more that I do not feel like typing. Basically, I grew up extremely sheltered with helicopter parents. I hated it
2016- 8th Grade (14)
I really don’t have much to put here to be honest. I forgot to mention, but once John was out of juvee I had a restraining order against him, placed by the judge, no one had a say in it. This restraining order was set indefinitely until the judge sees that he is fit to be near me again. He is living at my parents friends’ house. 8th grade was actually not a bad year for me, besides my parents still being psychos, I’m still having drug and sleep issues, I’m mostly miserable BUT! I have a friend group with 7 people! And theyre boys! Not in a weird way, at this point in my life I thought I was lesbian. I’ve gotten along with males better and still do to this day (yes, genuine male friends who ive never slept with). But, my mom started to let me hang out with friends again! I was allowed to go to downtown with my friends after school. It was a 10 minute walk away. I had some of the funnest days down there with my buds. We’d always get blaze pizza, they were so fun to hang out with. We were all nerdy ass kids on a discord server. Life was looking up for a little.
John was expected to move back in soon and I was so excited. Partially to see him, because I did miss him, but mostly because I just wanted my family to be back together. I wanted to see my parents happy again.
3 days before the 9th grade, we had a court hearing to determine whether or not John was fit to be placed back into our home. My parents didn’t think it was going to happen because the judge really did not like them, which is understandable. Looking back I thought of the judge as the bad guy because of how much my parents shit on her, but she wasnt. If I was a judge in this case, I would feel for the little girl too. The nervous, scared, broken, shaking little girl that stood up in front of her and measly attempted to downplay my brother’s rape and abuse. She saw all of my loved one stand up for my brother and not me, and she felt for me. For that, I cannot hate her. She took my family apart but, it was for the best. Maybe John and I really did need 2 years apart.
At this point, I am incredibly hypersexual. I was masturbating daily with a wooden hairbrush. I was overweight and had a lesbian haircut. I was also still so incredibly awkward and had no friends outside of my little circle. I didn’t talk to anyone in class, I was kind of a loser. This point in my life was the most insecure I’ve ever been. I was also still talking to Adam Jones. We are sexting every day. He is out of high school at this point I believe, I really can’t remember. I don’t regret him grooming me. It was someone to talk to to distract the pain with. None of my friends knew what was going on. I needed an escape.
Side note: as some point during my freshman year, my therapist, who had helped me through my sexual traumas, began to grope me. At first, I believed it was an accident. But after three times in a row where he groped my breasts and buttocks, I did not believe it was an accident. I stopped seeing him after the third time, where he firmly groped my buttocks.
2017- 9th grade (15)
I think this was actually the happiest point of my life before 4th grade. This is probably the last time I remember being happy. My brother moved back in during the summer, and I had dedicated my summer to losing weight. I went from about 155 to 130! I felt great, I got into skincare, makeup, fashion a little bit. My parents were happy for the first time in so long. I had picked up bass guitar during my 8th grade year and It was awesome! I was so happy. I just want to go back to my first day of high school. I finally had the same confidence and desire to be around people that I had before 4th grade. It felt like everything was coming back into place.
Unfortunately, I was still incredibly hyper sexual. I masturbated a LOT. like multiple times a day at least. Boys at school gave me a LOT of new attention that I had never received before. In my brain I was still the weird, fat girl that I had always been growing up, so getting attention like this from a boy was a completely new feeling. His name was Enrique, the first boy that gave me that attention. I had never even kissed a man at this point. Enrique was hot, I still think he is. He was captain of the water polo team, half hispanic half black. A fit, good looking man. Never in my dreams did I picture someone like that would have given me attention. I can’t even remember how we met, honestly. He was a year above me, a sophomore. He took my virginity (I do not count John), without a condom, in the gender neutral bathroom before first period. I was 14 years old. I loved every second of it. I was in love with him, he was my first for everything. I had never even had a boy like me before. For context, I had two close male friends (genuine male friends who never tried getting in my pants or anything like that). Their names were Chris and Chad . Chris was on water polo with Enrique, which come to think is probably how we met. After I told Chris that I slept with Enrique, he informed me that he had a girlfriend of 4 years. I was devastated. My first real heartbreak. Anyways, I don’t care about Enrique anymore. The point of this anecdote is that I had a completely broken concept of what sex means. I did not think that maybe I should not have sex with anyone who asked, and especially not in the fucking gender neutral bathroom.
me losing my virginity snowballed into having rampant sex with anyone who would pay any attention to me. In my freshman year alone, my body count was most likely 12 or so. I did not believe that sex correlated with self respect or discipline whatsoever. I thought my actions were completely normal. And of course, most of the high school knew what I was doing. I also sent nudes to many boys. And some screenshots went around. Everyone knew what I was. A dirty, fucking, whore. But I didn’t care at this point. I had so many friends and classes were so much fun! I was good friends with all of my table mates and we had so much fun
My main friend group, the one from middle school, knew as well. They were clearly uncomfortable and drifting away from me. I started hanging out with a different group more. They were similar to my other group, nerdy white asian kids. We had a discord that we talked on everyday. I was also hanging out with Chris and Chad a lot at this point.
One day, I sent a school shooting joke to a friend. His name was Brandon. His mother saw it and called the police. I ended up getting arrested and suspended for 10 days. This was pretty traumatic when it happened but honestly I look back and laugh.
After this, I attempted to kill myself by drinking an entire bottle of vodka. My mother found me in the church closet and brought me to the hospital where my stomach was pumped. Had she not found me i would have died. I wish i was never found.
Alex.
We met through Chris because he was on water polo. I was friends with a lot of WP players. Should i skip this story? Its hard to tell it.
Here is a link to the soundcloud playlist i made when we were dating. I loved you so much. You took my innocence you took everything from me.
Alex and I began dating, and he wasn’t just using me for sex. He was so obsessed with me and I mistook that for love. I honestly don’t really want to go into large amounts of detail, because our relationship was a year long and there is so much fucking lore, i just dont wanna type all of it. But he physically, sexually, and emotionally abused me. To an extreme. There were many times he would go too far in bed, he would push my boundaries and i would scream for him to stop but he wouldnt. He told me i would let him do this if i loved him. I was young, i didnt fully understand how sex worked. I believed him. He made me give him passwords to everything, tracked me, it felt like i was walking on eggshells. I would never picture cheating on him. I loved him so much. I spent all my energy and effort on this man. He left me for his ex. The girl that i had asked him to stop talking to so many times. Why didnt i stand up for myself? Bc i was utterly obsessed with this man, i felt like he was my entire world. He ends up leaving lolo for me anyways. At some point during this, as i was walking home from wrestling match, Lolo her friend Kaitlyn, and kaitlyn’s bf beat my ass to the point of a black eye, fractured nose, and lots of bruises then threw me into a dumpster. They took lots of photos which circulated. I told my mom it was from a wrestling match. I never told anyone what happened, i was so embarrassed. After this, i got boxing gloves and learned some self defense techniques. I have NEVER lost another fight after this, and I’ve gotten into a few. In fact, the rest of my life after this point I’ve always focused on upper body at the gym. I NEVER wanted to feel weak again. I’m actually incredibily confident in my ability to fight these days, as I tend to go out and start shit at bars a lot. I am a lot stronger than I look, probably because I am filled with uncontrollable rage.
Throughout our relationship alex made me cut off all of my male friends. He made me block everyone even cousins. I had done absolutely nothing to make him think i was cheating. He consistently skyped me and made me watch him cut himself, telling me that i made him do this. I could write pages of things that he did to me but i dont have the time. Our relationship ended when he said he found someone better and left me. He told me hed been cheating the entire time.
I dont know why this affected my life so much but it did.
2018- 10th grade (16)
This year wasn’t bad to be honest. Alex was out of my life at the very start of the school year. I kept doing well in all of my classes. I began smoking a lot of pot tho. Peter and i are very close and briefly dated before going back as friends. On my 16 birthday was the first day i sold my body. I met a man at the movie theatres a week prior. I wont go into detail but he basically pimped me out. I slept with 10 ish men before my parents became very concerned as to where i was getting all of this money from. I racked around $200 a session. They knew my age. They knew i was only 16 years old. Their ages ranged from 35-60. It was so gross and i hated it. My “pimp” threatened me if i stopped. One day i just had enough and had to stop though, i threatened to tell my parents and he blocked me.
I lost all of my friends at the very end of this school year because im a toxic, angry, piece of shit. Besides Natalie chris chad and Jolie.
2019 - 11th grade (17)
I was incredibly depressed at the start of this year. I didnt have many friends. I began a 2 year old college program called IB. it was rigorous, i had 8+ hours of homework a day, but it kept me busy. But hey, i was top 30/650 in my class!
I met a man named Holden. We began fucking/dating (mostly fucking). He introduced me into a world of drugs. I tried coke, GHB, ketamine, molly, xanax, and some other mystery pills that i never even knew the name of. Probably a perc or something similar. One time, after accidentally taking all of his pills he blew up on me and got violent. Never hit me, but threw thing, pushed me into a wall… etc
The next day i went to greece with my family. While i was there i found out that he was cheating on me bc he posted on his private story in bed with a lady naked. Mustve forgotten i was on there. I blocked him and we never spoke again.
My rampant drug use continued. I had an ecstasy addiction for about 2 months. I abused adderall and other uppers for 8 months before i quit.
At the end of this school year i began dating Luciano.
2021 -12th grade (18)
Senior year was okay. I made a few more friends. luciano , or luc, was a loser. I had to do all of his homework. BUT he was rich and went to our rival school that was private and cost 80k a year to go to. He was an oaky bf. I attempted to leave him about 12 times but was never allowed. When i mean enver allowed, like physically. He literally locked me in bathrooms, boarded the doors shut… i tried to escape through a window and he caught me. But to be fair, after all of this attempted entrapment, I began to abuse him. He was much smaller than me. At the time, I weighed around 150 lbs and he was about 110 lbs. I physically abused him because it gave me a sense of control. I think it kind of turned me on too. It only happened a dozen or so times, it wasn’t everyday.
In february of 2021 i found out i was pregnant. This was surprising, i was on birth control. I really wanted the baby actually. I was so happy! My parents were very supportive. Until 2.5 months later the nurse tells me that i miscarried. I was distraught. I began drinking A LOT. 3 months later, i go into get bloodwork done because i had been incredibly sick and miserable recently. Turns out I AM 5 MONTHS PREGNANT. The nurse misdiagnosed me. I had no idea what to do. Would my baby be okay? I had been vaping, smoking a shit ton of weed and drinking a fuck ton of liquor. At this point i also realized that the last person id want to have a child with was luciano. I did what i never thought i would do. I had an abortion. I am in no means pro choice, and i would never support a 5 month abortion but i had it when the doctors basically said my baby is fucked. Technically speaking, I would support another woman (based off varying circumstances) having an abortion but not myself. I never pictured myself having an abortion. I miss him everyday. I still keep his photo in my wallet. His name would have been Skyler.
My abortion, because it was so late, had to be surgical. When i first got there, they inserted metal clamps into my cervix and gave me several cervical shots. I had to sit in the room for 5 hours with NO painkillers to let the clamps loosen my cervix. I had never been in so much pain in my life. To this day i cannot think about anything being inserted into any private parts without having a physical reaction. There was one time my friend was telling me about how she got an IUD in her cervix and i kept asking her to stop talking about but she wouldnt so i puked. I writhed in pain for 5 hours the lady next to me was named Carmen. I remember that. It was her 5th abortion. I remember thinking that she was so gross and slutty for that, but how could I judge her?I was in here having a 5 month abortion. There was a tv in the room that ONLY played some kind of ad for a ninja stickless frying pan. I couldnt sleep at all because of the mass amounts of pain i was in. i cannot emphasize enough how painful this all was. There were also IVs in my arms for those 8 hours that i was in that facility. I remember freaking out at one point and trying to rip them out but the nurse wouldnt let me. The nurses were so kind. I remember crying when they called me in to put me under and begin the procedure. I didnt want to kill my baby, but i had to. My doctors name was Steve. I woke up and remember asking the doctors where luciano was, where my baby was.. Luciano drove me home, and bitched at me the entire time like he always did. He didnt care that i just went under an 8 hour painful procedure. He was so mean to me on the way home. I came home and got ready for an 8 hour shift. Fun times.
If you’re somehow reading this skyler… i miss you. Im sorry i couldnt bring you into this world. I regret it all the time. I think about you almost every day, amd its been almost 4 years. You would have been beautiful. I think all the time about how different my life would have been.
Itwasnt until i came to college that i could finally leave him. By the time i left him i had already been dating Solomon for a month, LOL. this is the only time i cheated and didnt really feel bad… luc threatened to kill himself and various other things if I left him.
2022- Freshman year (19)
I move to louisiana for college. Everyone asked me why i moved here. I tell them bc i think the state is beautiful, and i wanted a change of scenery… which is true. But i didnt move to LA for that. I moved bc i knew that LA was the last place anyone would look for me. I wanted to leave my past behind.
Since moving to LA i’ve done a good job actually. Ive only slept with 5 men, not bad for college tbh. I did end up cheating on solo with a woman. He broke my arm. Solo and i were very physical with each other, he would sort our arguments out physically a lot. We are still good friends to this day. He actually just recently offered to go beat up a dude whos been shit talking me, LOL.
i was sent to the psych ward for attempting to kill myself. But other than that, and my intense drinking problem, its been better.
2023- Sophomore Year (20)
No, not really. Im incredibly depressed and somewhere down the line i went from a very sweet loving BPD girl to a serial cheater narc. I dont know what happened honestly, i just got angry at the world. I was tired of being used and abused and i wanted to take it out on men. I really only abuse men. Never friends tho, im a pretty good friend id say. I love my friends. Only men who want to have sex with me, it’s like a trigger or something. If theyre attracted / try and fuck me it gives me the green light to destroy their life.
What sent me into a deep depression was that summer where I lived with Chris and Paris. Paris scammed me out of $1400 which I still affects me to this day. After I moved out of this place I have never recovered. I was sent into a deep depression which is still affecting me into this day. I started doing my porn, specifically on chaturbate.com. My username is []. iF you look this username up you can find unlimited nudes of me. This is not me anymore. I am no longer a slut and I refuse to show myself nude to random men. I wish I had never done this. I wish I had preserved my dignity, but at the time I felt like I deserved it. It felt like a punishment I deserve because of the disgusting person I was. I’ve cheated on so many people, I’ve done so many people wrong. How could I ever deserve anything else? Only recently have I discovered how to respect myself. I don’t put out anymore. Actually, I don’t even think that I enjoy sex tbh. I think I just do it for the ego supply.
I think what REALLY flipped the switch was austin cheating on me. I actually hadnt cheated on him. I was very loyal and loving. He cheated with a friend. It sucked.
I wish i had someone to reminisce over, I listen to break up songs and don’t even miss anyone in particular. I have never formed that kind of connection with anyone. Everyone is just a temporary ego supply to me. I wish I could form real connections with people. I wish I could relate to love songs. Alex was the only one ever, and it was probably just a trauma bond to be honest. There was another dude, [] who i had a sort of fling with. I really liked him too.he was my most recent little male venture. I think the only reason I liked him so much is because he knew i banged his friend, and so i felt like i had to prove myself to him. Odd, right?
Im trash.
It is a miracle im still alive. I should have died a long time ago and i think about it alllll the time. I just can’t do that to my parents. My friends would get over it. But mom, dad, john… i cant do that to them. The second my parents pass away, which will hopefully be soon since they’re old, i will kill myself ASAP. no question.
I truly believe im some form of succubus put on this earth to punish men. There is no other reason why god would send me this amount of pain.

edit: The following post is only my opinion as a fan of the game. I am in fact not the authority on all gaming xd.
I don't know why but with each update, they don't seem to just fix things but also breka them. And maybe instead of only looking at the good changes we should examine what is still not fixed, or just got f*ckd.
My list right now, fill free to expand:

• Armor pieces are now basically useless. If you're not into aesthetics there's basically no point in colecting them, because berely any of them have any statistics. Those that do have them are pretty insignificant.
• With armor being useless, crafting is now 50% less viable as a feature. No clothes, clothing mods etc. So you use crafting to make your favourite weapon, do upgrades and that's about it. -This hurts me the most. Your creativity with builds and character stats is GREATLY reduced. The loss of bonuses from armor was supposed to be compensated by larger cyberware use. However if we count the cyberware slots they increased from 20 to 21, but 2 of them are locked behind tech percs (15 atribute points required). Besides that the new cyberware capacity mechanic, limits the use of the extended cyberware system, to the point where at level 38, with both perks increasing the capacity (9 and 20 attribute points in tech), you have about 150 capacity, which is just enough to equip okay cybernatics on most of your slots.
• BASICALLY if you want to have any sort of armor, or bonuses comparable to previous versions of the game, you need to go into Technical Ability. That's not giving the player's more choice, but quite the opposite. -The hard blocks on abilities being 4, 9, 15 and 20 attribute points also narrows down your choice. No longer can you aim for a specific ability, you now have to comit to a tier. Also during the entire game you have 71 attribute points, which means some are always going to waste.
• The Stamina. Is it really necessary to introduce soulslike mechanics, without fully comitting to them? I feel like weapon speed, was a more clear way of communicating how many hits you can perform. That together with dodging not being a significant mechanic (at least on hard) begs the question of why is there a skill tree partially dedicated to stamina. Also why are we doing major rehauls to the fighting system 3 years after release?
• Why was DPS on weapons removed? This is outrageous. Was the previous system to efficient and they nerfed it? The only place you can check that stat is in the character tab.
• Why was the entire skill tree for Cold Blood completely removed? I get that ability was op but you can balance you game without removing even more options from it. Devs from Elden Ring didn't remove bleed, just because blood builds were op. But hey at least the throwable weapons are back, stronger then ever.
• Why do we get skill rehauls with every major update. Once again, concerning after 3 years of being a "finished" game.
• While cool the new car fighting abilities don't have real in quest applications, so they are only useful if your a gta fun who likes shooting random pedestrians.
• I don't know if it's just me but the fistfighting in this game still feels rough. The camera doesn't track (at least on console), and I'm still wondering how they managed to make the expierence infinitely worse then witcher 3.

tl;dr: While it's great that they keep working on the game, let's not give them a free pass, especially considering they still keep fckng up the aspects of the game.

So I recently decided to buy and read the entire Pretty Little Liars book series. I decided to share the events of the books and some of my thoughts in case anyone was interested in how the events of the books played out but didn’t really want to go and read all the books themselves (since I think there’s like 18?). In this post, I’m going to focus on books 1-4, which is when the first A is threatening the girls. I’m going to note specific plot points that I think are important to the story arc, and also add in some points that I found interesting in comparison to the show.
​
BOOK ONE: Pretty Little Liars
This book focuses on the girls separately, as they are not friends anymore. It begins with a flashback of the night Ali disappeared, and takes place four years after her disappearance, when the girls begin to get A texts.
Plot Details:

• This book starts with a flashback (all 4 do). Ali goes missing the summer between 7th and 8th grade (specifically the last day of 7th grade), making the girls 13 at the time.
• We also learn that Ian, Melissa, and Jason were all high school seniors and were about to graduate that year, making them around 17. This means there is a 4 year age gap between the liars and Ian, Melissa, Jason, Wren, and probably Ezra since they all appear to be around the same age.
• We learn that the girls had been friends for a year at the time of Ali’s disappearance and that they met doing volunteer work for Rosewood Day School’s charity drive. We also learn that they were “dazzled” by Ali wanting to be friends with them, as they were not popular, but she was, and already had other friends called Naomi and Riley (they are not super relevant, but the appear a few times throughout the first four books so I’ve added them in).
• The night of Ali’s disappearance, the girls are having their sleepover in Spencer’s barn. Ali tells the girls that she learned how to hypnotize people and does it to them. It seems to work on Hanna and Emily, but Aria is pretending and overhears Spencer and Ali arguing. Spencer and Ali leave the barn, Em and Hanna wake up confused, Spencer comes back, and they can’t find Ali.
• We are told that the girls covered for Ali for a bit, thinking she went off with her high school friends, but is ultimately reported missing and is not found.
• In the present-day timeline, Aria has come back from Reykjavik after being there for 2 years. The girls are starting their Junior year (11th grade) at Rosewood Day.
• Emily meets Maya in the first chapter, and they have some mild flirty vibes and talk about their boyfriends. Emily smokes weed.
• Spencer meets Wren (Melissa’s Fiance) at a family dinner. He is British and Korean in the books.
• Aria goes to a bar and meets Ezra. She tells him she was in Iceland for a “junior year abroad”, studying, and that she is an English major. We know that she lies to him because she thinks she won’t ever see him again, but she IS 17 so like…come on, Ezra…
• Hanna and Mona are shopping and they steal a bunch of diamond jewelry from Tiffany’s.
• Aria gets the first A text when she sees that Ezra is her new English teacher, it reads: Aria: Surprise! I wonder what your pig puppet will have to say about this… -A.
• Emily and Maya walk home, they flirt a bit more and kiss, leading Em to get the next A text about finding a new friend to kiss. We get a scene with her boyfriend Ben, but it’s a bit irrelevant.
• Wren massages Spencer and it's sexual and weird, and Spencer gets an A text about it.
• Hanna is caught stealing the Tiffany jewelry and is taken to the police station where she gets the “prison food makes you fat” text. We also learn about her boyfriend Sean taking the Virginity Pledge and how Hanna wants him to have sex with her. Her mom hooks up with Wilden to stop him from arresting Hanna.
• As the story progresses, we begin to learn about how each of the girls had secrets that Ali would tease them about around the other girls. (Spencer kissed Ian, Aria and Ali caught Byron cheating with his student Meredith, Emily kissed Ali, and Hanna is bulimic). The girls note multiple times that Ali would make a “joke” directed at one of the girls, and it would sour the mood but the others never know what was going on or why the jokes made them mad since none of them knew each other’s secrets, only Ali knew them.
• We get a mention of The Jenna Thing early on (although no details) and learn that Toby and Jenna are away at boarding school.
• The Kahn brothers throw a party where Emily and Maya kiss in the photo booth and are caught by Emily’s boyfriend Ben, who calls her a slur. Hanna tries to seduce Sean by stripping for him in the woods and he doesn’t like it and ends up breaking up with her, causing her to steal his car with Mona and crash it (for which she is later arrested), Spencer makes out with Wren and is caught by Melissa, and Aria and Ezra almost have sex.
• Ali’s body is found while Maya’s parents are putting in a tennis court, and at the funeral, they get the “I’m still here bitches. And I know everything” text.

Some Thoughts/Extras:

• Everyone is blonde.
• Spencer’s house has a whole farm in the back????
• Emily has like 4 brothers and sisters. One sister, Carolyn is mentioned a lot but she doesn’t really contribute to the overall plot.
• Hanna’s mom kinda sucks in the books, she’s very focused on her work and Hanna mentions that they barely even see each other.
• Ben gets mad at Emily at one point because she is a faster swimmer than him lol?
• Emily’s mom is a racist. She says (referring to Maya), “There’s just so many cultural differences with…her… and I just don’t understand what you and Maya have in common, anyway. And who knows about her family? Who knows what they could be into?... I just don’t trust those people… I know that sounds really narrow-minded, but I don’t.”
• Aria tries to make Ezra jealous by using Noel Kahn, and it works. Ew.
• These teens smoke and drink SO MUCH.
• Book 1 is basically the pilot episode.

​
BOOK TWO: Flawless
This book focuses on the girls’ issues and the texts from A. In this book, A steps up their game and begins to mess with their lives in a more direct way. The girls start to talk a bit more in this one as they start discussing the texts they’ve been receiving, but they still don’t want the others to know their secrets so they aren’t completely honest with each other.
Plot Details:

• In the flashback, we learn about The Jenna Thing. The girls were hanging out at Ali’s place putting makeup on each other and dressing up. (There’s a small reference to a girl named Imogen who is in their grade. The girls make fun of her because they think she is pregnant due to a rumor.) As they are messing around, Ali sees Toby who is standing across the street staring at them through the window. Ali comes up with a plan to scare Toby by shooting one of his fireworks (that he is obsessed with) into the treehouse. The girls reluctantly agree, and Ali goes across the street to carry out her plan. They hear a loud “Boom” sound and get scared. Soon, an ambulance arrives as the treehouse has caught on fire. Ali comes back inside and tells them that it wasn’t her fault. Ali and Spencer both go outside again, and when they come back they tell them that the firework had gone through the window and hit Jenna, burning and blinding her. The next day, they learn that Toby confessed and was sent away. We get a few comments from Spencer throughout the book about how something else happened that the rest of the girls don’t know about, which is that Toby had seen Ali setting off the firework and confronted her when she and Spencer were outside. Ali told him that she had seen what he was doing too and that she would tell if he did, which is what caused him to confess.
• Mona and Hanna begin arguing because Hanna is keeping secrets and acting a bit weird. Hanna does volunteer work in a burn unit to make up for crashing Sean’s car, and she steals some percs.
• Ben assaults Emily multiple times throughout this book to get her to “prove” that she isn’t gay, and Toby stops him which causes him and Emily to develop a sort of friendship since they are both on swim teams for their school. She also ends up telling him that she is gay, or might be gay (she struggles with her identity a bit).
• There’s a big dance happening called ‘The Foxy’ and Hanna wants to go with Sean even though they broke up. The other girls try to get dates and Spencer ends up going with Andrew Campbel (who she is using to hide her secret relationship with Wren), Aria goes with Sean (Yeah, Hanna’s Sean), Emily goes with Toby, and Hanna decides not to go and hangs out with her dad instead.
• Ella and Byron are having problems. Byron keeps leaving them and saying he needs to work, but Aria knows the real reason. Aria and Mike end up seeing Byron and Meredith on a date, but they don’t confront him. She later confronts Meredith, who tells her that she and Byron are in love. Aria also gets a text from A telling her she has 24 hours to tell her mom about Byron and Meredith.
• Spencer is stressed about A and is busy hanging out with Wren. There’s a chapter where they have sex and he tells her how she is so mature for her age blah blah blah. She ends up turning in Melissa’s essay as she didn’t write her own, and later Wren breaks up with her, telling her that she is too young for him (idk why this didn’t occur to him before he kissed her or slept with her, he deserves jail time), and that he is seeing someone else. Her and Melissa talk about Wren and Melissa says she also dumped him after what he did.
• Hanna goes to hang with her dad the night of The Foxy and is upset that he has invited his fiancee Isabell and her daughter Kate, whom Hanna dislikes. She mentions a flashback of when she and Ali visited her dad, Isabell, and Kate, and how Hanna felt bad being around Kate and Ali who were skinny. Her dad made a pig joke at Hanna and this is when she started making herself throw up. Ali caught her in the act. Kate acts nice towards Hanna, and when Hanna gets an A text telling her that Sean is at Foxy with another girl, Kate offers to cover for her and asks Hanna for the percs in her bag. Hanna sees Aria with Sean at the Foxy and gets angry. Kate ends up framing Hanna for giving her drugs and snitching on her, leading to a big argument.
• Emily goes to Foxy with Toby, where she is assaulted by Ben again. They leave, and they talk about Ali on the drive home. Toby mentions that he is glad Ali is dead, leading Emily to think that Toby is Ali’s killer. She jumps out of his car and runs home, and Toby follows her, trying to get her to let him in so they can talk about it. Emily tells him that she knows what he “did to her”, Toby freaks out and leaves.
• The other girls come up with the conclusion that Toby killed Ali as well after Spencer tells them that he saw Ali the night of TJT. They try to reach Emily but are unable to. Hanna and Aria continue fighting over Sean.
• The day after Foxy, A has told Ella about Byron’s infidelity and that Aria knew about it. Spencer tells Aria that there are cops at Emily’s house and the girls go over there. We learn that Toby killed himself by taking some pills and Jenna gives Emily a suicide note that he left behind, and we learn from Spencer that the reason why Toby took the blame for TJT is that he used to sexually assault Jenna, which is what Ali had seen him doing that night. Toby thought that Emily knew about it when she said that she knew what he did, so he killed himself in case she told others.

Thoughts/Extras:

• Toby was an EMS
• There’s a scene where A leaves Hanna a note on the school bleachers where there are others sitting around, but no one sees A leave the note… what’s up with that?
• Wilden is actually a pretty nice guy, like basically the opposite of his on-screen counterpart.
• There are 4 different scenes of one of these 16-year-olds smoking in this book.

​
BOOK THREE: Perfect
In this book, the girls become a bit closer, and a lot of crazy shit goes down, so get ready.
Plot Details:

• We open with a flashback of before Ali died. The girls are playing around pretending to be on a talk show while Aria films them. There is some tension between Spencer and Ali, and Ali and Aria. Ali is acting weird and getting texts and the girls try to read them when she leaves the room, but she catches them. Melissa and Ian enter and Ian decides to play with them and Spencer “interviews” him.
• Spencer starts seeing the same therapist as Melissa, and she enjoys having someone take her side and not always side with Melissa the way her parents do. She is also nominated for a prestigious award called The Golden Orchid but is nominated for “her” essay, which is actually Melissa’s.
• Mona and Hanna make plans for their “Frenniversary” which Hanna ends up having to miss as Wilden shows up at her house to ask her and the other girls more questions after the video of them pretending to be on a talk show is sent to the press. This causes Mona to get really angry at Hanna.
• Ian is back again, dating Melissa. He is also Spencer’s field hockey coach which I forgot to mention earlier but he becomes more important in this book.
• Ella kind of kicks Aria out of the house, and she ends up living with Sean for a big part of the book.
• Emily wants to tell Wilden about A, so A posts pictures of Emily and Maya kissing during a school swim meet, and the entire school, plus her parents see them. Her parents are homophobic and want to send Emily to a conversion camp called Tree Tops (although they don’t call it that), and say that if she refuses to go to the camp and “undo the gay” (not a direct quote), they will send her off to live with overly strict aunt and uncle in Iowa.
• There is also a subplot about a “Rosewood Stalker” in this book, but by the end of book 4, it is unclear whether that person was A or not (unless I somehow missed that in the reveal??)
• Mona starts hanging out with Naomi and Rylie and they are kind of ditching Hanna, and leave her to pay their bill where she strikes up a conversation with the waiter, who is Lucas Beattie. Hanna gets an A text telling her that Mona isn’t really her friend. During this time, Mona is also planning her “sweet seventeen” party, which only Hanna was supposed to be part of, but she’s added Naomi and Rylie.
• Emily meets with a girl who did the Tree Tops program and realizes that it didn’t work, and decides to meet with Maya again during Mona’s party, and her mom catches them.
• Spencer does a photoshoot/interview for the Philidelphia Sentinel where she will be on the cover with her Golden Orchid announcement.
• Mona disinvites Hanna from her party after Hanna hires someone to write “Get ready to party with Mona” in the sky, and they end up writing “Get ready to fart with Mona” instead (lmao).
• Spencer is having trouble remembering parts of the night that Ali went missing, and tries hypnosis which unlocks part of the memories and makes her think that she killed Ali. She asks her parents if she’s ever had memory loss and they tell her it happened once when she got really sick, but Spencer is scared that she did something to Ali.
• Hanna is being made fun of at school now, and starting hanging out with Lucas. They go on a cute non-date in a hot air balloon and she tells him about A and about her bulimia, he tells her that his brother tried to kill himself and they end up kissing. Hanna also gets a new phone because no one is texting her so she thinks her old phone is broken (lol). She doesn’t transfer her data over (this is relevant later). She also gets a text from A telling her that Mona got lipo.
• Aria tells Ezra about the drama with her parents, and they kiss, A sees.
• Melissa gets a text with her essay, which she reads out loud. Her dad says that is Spencer’s essay, and they realize what Spencer did. The two fight, and in a fit of rage, Spencer pushes Melissa down the stairs. Afterward, she is locked in her room for safety.
• Aria is hanging out at Ezra’s place where they have just had sex. Cops come to his door and arrest him (fucking finally). Turns out A sent Sean the pictures of Aria and Ezra, and Sean went to the cops. He kicks Aria out of his house and she ends up going to stay with Byron and Meredith.
• Hanna gets a package with the dress that she was supposed to wear to Mona’s party, and assumes that this means Mona has forgiven her. She wears the dress, which fits her way too small and shows up at the party, where Mona confronts her. Turns out Mona changed the dresses and didn’t tell Hanna (who was still uninvited). Hanna’s dress rips in front of everyone and Mona, Naomi, and Rylie make fun of her. Hanna makes a comment about Mona’s lipo, which turns out to not be true. Lucas saves Hanna from being humiliated and gives her clothes to change into. When going home, Hanna gets an A text, only this one is not sent from a blocked number. A has fucked up and sent the text from their actual number, which Hanna recognizes. She calls the girls and asks them to meet her.
• Aria thinks Ian killed Ali as she rewatches the video of them from the flashback, and notices Ali and Ian holding/touching hands in the background.
• While Hanna waits for the girls to show up she is run over by an SUV. Her phone is completely destroyed. The girls get the “She knew too much” text.

Thoughts/Extras:

• At one point, Mike says “Sorry I don’t speak PMS”??
• Hanna’s struggle with bulimia is a lot more complex and touched upon in the books.
• Spencer’s newspaper issue has the phrase: “Move over Trump! Spencer Hastings is coming!” on it which I thought was funny.
• Aria paints an A on Meredith like in The Scarlett Letter

​
BOOK FOUR: Unbelievable
A is revealed in this book.
Plot Details:

• We get a flashback from the day before Ali went missing, where the girls are at her house to tell her about their plan to have their sleepover in Spencer’s barn. They go up to Ali’s room where they see Ali sitting on her bed with a halter top on, reading from a notebook. She greets them and Mrs. D comes up and asks the girls to go outside while she talks to Ali, who seems to be in trouble. The girls go outside and Ali shows up, wearing a completely different outfit. She seems confused that they are there, and also when Aria makes a note about her other shirt being cute. There’s a bit of awkwardness but soon they start talking about their sleepover and Ali teases Melissa (and Spencer) about Ian.
• In the present time, Emily is sent to Iowa where she is going to be homeschooled. Her aunt takes her phone away. Emily realizes that her cousins sneak out to drink and party and goes with them. She meets a girl named Trista here and they have a bit of a thing. Unfortunately, they are caught and Emily is blamed, so her aunt and uncle kick her out. She decides to run away but sees news coverage of her parents saying they love her so she goes back to Rosewood where her mom seems a bit more accepting and gives her a Finding Nemo copy because Ellen Degeneres is gay and voices Dory.
• Hanna is in a coma after the accident, and Mona shows up at the hospital as if nothing happened. Hanna has a few dreams of Ali where she is trying to warn Ali about her death. When she wakes up, she has memory loss and can’t remember anything from right before Mona’s party (so she doesn’t remember being uninvited and humiliated, or her dates with Lucas).
• Aria takes an art class at Hollis where she is partnered with Jenna. She tells Jenna that her name is Jessica.
• Mona begins to get A texts and joins their group after confiding in Spencer while they are planning a party for Hanna.
• Emily gets an A note that smells like Maya’s banana gum and starts to suspect her. She is getting texts from Trista but still dating Maya and having dinners with her family + Maya. Trista ends up flying out to see Emily which is a little bit crazy vibes.
• Ian tries to make a move on Spencer and tells her that he “only” hooked up with Ali twice.
• Hanna is trying to remember what happened, and Mona gets a text taunting her about what she did to Hanna at her party, which Hanna can not remember. Lucas warns Hanna that Mona is not her friend because she hasn’t told her what she did. Hanna gets annoyed at Lucas, and although she likes him, she doesn’t want to since he is a “loser”.
• The day of Hanna’s party, Lucas confronts Mona and tells her to tell Hanna what she did, but Mona and Hanna insist that they are over it. Aria ends up in the art room with Jenna when she goes back to look for her phone. She talks to Jenna, who tells her that she recognized her voice and knew she was Aria. Jenna also tells Aria that she and Ali planned TJT together because Toby and Jenna’s parents were sick of Toby playing with fireworks. Jenna says that Toby had already gotten in trouble, and their parents warned him that the next time he set off fireworks in their yard, they would send him away. Jenna tells Aria that Ali understood and decided to help her because Ali also had “sibling problems” but refuses to elaborate. Jenna says that she is happy with the way things turned out because Toby was sent away and stopped assaulting her, so it was worth it.
• Spencer starts to suspect Melissa as Ali’s killer during Hanna’s party, and she and Mona decide to go to the police station to turn Melissa in. Hanna, Emily, and Aria stay at the party, and Hanna is slowly recovering her memories from the night of Mona’s party when she was run over. Emily says a phrase that was in the last A text that Hanna received before her accident, which causes her to remember the phone number that she saw, and she realizes that A is…. (drumroll please)... Mona.
• While in the car with Spencer, Mona offers her banana gum, which she says a girl in her history class gave her (Maya). Spencer gets a text telling her that Mona is A, and she tries to play it off but Mona realizes that they’ve figured it out and turns the car, around. She offers Spencer a spot on her A team and tells her that they can frame Melissa together. Spencer refuses and sneakily makes a call to Wilden, and calls out the streets they’re passing to get the police to find her. Mona catches her and hangs up the call, and they end up at a quarry. We learn Mona’s motivation, which is that she was friends with Jenna when she was still a loser and was also there the night of TJT, and suffered burns from the firework that Ali set off. She tried to tell people that it was Ali, but no one believed her, and Toby confessed, and Jenna dismissed her. She found Ali’s diary in some old stuff of hers, which had all the girl’s secrets in it, so she used it to blackmail and harass them. Mona also tells Spencer that Ian killed Ali, as Ali had given him an ultimatum about their relationship. Spencer ends up getting out of the car and the two fight. In another fit of rage, Spencer throws Mona off the edge of a cliff and she falls between two large rocks, breaking her neck. The girls and Wilden arrive at the scene, and Hanna finds Mona’s A phone and takes it.
• Ian is arrested for the murder of Alison DiLaurentis.
• Hanna’s mom is moving to Singapore and Hanna will have to live with her dad, Isabell, and Kate. She also deletes all of the A texts from the phone Mona used and gives it to the police.
• At Ian’s arraignment, Emily thinks she sees Ali peeking through the window of a dark car.
• We get a note from A at the end of the book telling us that there is a new A in town, and the girls won’t be getting off so easy.

Thoughts/Extras

• There are a lot of Trump references in this book for some reason lol.
• Meredith is pregnant, and Ella invites Aria back home.
• Spencer confesses to cheating on her essay.

​
So there you go! A breakdown of the first 4 books. I think these are pretty close to the first two seasons of the show. I have not started book five yet, but as soon as I finish the next four I will maybe make another post if people enjoy this.

Tldr: some Russian guy threatened me over his hooker
I’m literally laying in bed writing this so I’m missing so many details
started writing that stuff at the bottom but then realized nobody cares.
If I do coke I always drink and if I drink I do coke but the problem is I have to sex to sleep. No amount of jerking off or Xanax ever works. As a man with a girlfriend you would think it would be easier but she hates anything harder then weed.
Last Friday I did coke and my girlfriend left for the weekend because something unrelated. So me, drunk and off coke took a xan to sleep but when it didn’t work I “took care” of myself and when that didn’t work I found an Asian massage parlor and spent 260 for probably 20 minutes of raw sex
Then I Uber home and I’m back on that same website and found a two girl special all night for 1000. We ended up negotiating for 30 xans coke and some money. Went there fucked the first girl raw but the second girl was “sleeping”. She ended up waking up as soon as I was ready to leave. I took my weed back shortly before because I felt scammed: looking back on it I realize I think she was smoking heroin or fenantly cause she was nodding out after coming out of the bathroom
I get home and pop another xan and I still feel like a demon and she hit me up to chill so she comes over and we fuck again raw, spent all of yesterday morning together doing drugs and I bought her lunch (fucking idiot) so I’m like alright I’m ready for another round and she’s like okay 700 dollars I was taken aback we probably snorted 2-400 worth of coke and pills and I gave her perc 30s and 10s she was sneaking off to smoke. I said no and give me my weed back she refused
Now I feel played. I’m tall and I do boxing on an amateur level so I said okay and stood by rhe door. She started texting and calling people and I saw her send her location so I said is it a man or a woman coming to which she didn’t reply so I asked again and said I have gloves in the back if they want to fight. She said they don’t fight, I said okay we’ll to get into the house they’re going to have to.
So I pulled out my wraps and started wrapping my hands lol. At this stage she has her feet on the bed which I realize is a woman’s defensive posture. She said her ex was crazier then me I said I’m not crazy I’m a boxer.
This went on for several minutes with me reassuring her I’m not going to put my hands on her but she’s not leaving with my drugs. She calls some guy to call her an Uber and he refuses then says “ask geno” so now she’s literally crying and the guy is saying no so she’s a piece of shit. Mind you she’s nodding out the whole time she’s taking to him…
At one point I said you know what just fucking leave my house, so she goes to the Dunkin’ Donuts across the street or at least I thought she did idk.
Then I get a call from a 1800 number, some dumbass Russian guy saying I fucked up. I told him to come over I’ll fight him any day to which he said he will “knock my head off” and how much money will I pay him to not come. I said I’m not paying him and on top of that he SHOULD come unless he’s talking about shooting me in which case my block has cameras.
He hung up. I spent the rest of the night checking every corner of my house with a fucking butcher knife every time I heard a noise.
I think I have to quit cocaine.
————————— I’m not the victim, I’m the problem. Last bender was 3 days and an extremely conservative, ballpark, 1200 dollars. Worst was a week and 7 grand
I don’t know when or why but when I was young (23ish) and working at a factory the “dirty old man” who ran my department showed me escort websites. At the time, since he was my boss, I pretended to understand but I was disgusted. My boss was always really red and a little sweaty, sniffled a lot, quick to anger but I always thought this was just because we worked in a printing press and everyone was generally annoyed.
I was introduced to bad cocaine for the first time af 26. Had no effect on me that I could feel or remember, I just shrugged it off. Two years ago a friend of mine was like boom I got some coke and I was like ahh I don’t understand that stuff and he said no this is raw cocaine, the uncut shit. I said whatever I’ll try it. I was drinking a bit which is probably why I said yes.
The first hit burned my nose and I’d never felt so serene in my life and open. I suffer from anxiety and previously abused Xanax to cope but had quit for some years.
Gonna fast toward through the boring parts, only notable is I have easy access to viagra 10

So I got this game when it first came out and played it a couple months but lost interest in it over time with how hard it was to find animals and than the whole aging thing being a mystery was also a turnoff. With the addition of the new map and a YouTuber named bumblewoot I Believe proving how the aging process works. I have went from just 2 5* white tails on neze perce to 6 5* animals 2 albino female lions and a 4* albino cape all on the new map. It’s safe to say this new map was much needed. The open space and abundance of animals make the game fun again imo.
Ok for some things I’d like to see personally added into the game.

1. Seasons. We know now 3 in game days is equivalent to 1 year. So I think it would be a very neat thing to have that would add to the realism.
   
2. Calendar. An in game calendar would make it a lot easier to keep track of the year and days before the next aging cycle.
   
3. Fast travel to vehicle. This may just be me but when I’m riding around finding animals to stalk and I shoot one and track it on foot it’s slightly annoying having to run all the way back to my vehicle so I can start hunting again.
   
4. Animal age. This may already be in the games encyclopedia. But I think it would be cool if their was a way to know the animals age precisely when looking through the binoculars. Not very realistic but I’ve lost a couple 4* who I was waiting on and they ended up dying of old age.
   
5. Lastly and less important as I’m sure this will happen in the future. More guns and equipment like scopes,Spotters, binoculars, Maybe feeders,climbers,tripods,tents that you can fast travel to and from.
   

So I just wanted to get this off of my chest, it's a really complicated situation and not something that easy for me to navigate. This is LONG, so be warned.
I grew up in a Christian pseudo cult, I was homeschooled even through high school, and didn't step foot into any kind of public school setting until I started community College. In my parents church, being gay was just about the worst thing that you can be. I remember hearing countless sermons where the word faggot was used, being gay was considered the antithesis of everything the church stood for. There were several explanations thrown around as to why people are gay, lesbians were said to have been raped or mistreated by men and were dating women because of that trauma, gay men had a demon of homosexuality, or their father wasn't involved enough in their life growing up and so that left them longing to be with men to attain the love from other men that they never got from their father, another explanation was based out of the book of Roman's, it describes an island where the people got so into idolatry and sin and so God "gave them over" to their desires and they became gay.
Anyhow, ever since I was a young boy, I can remember being attracted to men, as a very little boy, it was just admiring their physiques and their strength and courage, as I got older, it became more and more sexual and romantic. I would obsess over teen actors that were my age, Haley Joel Osment wad a huge one, I absolutely worshipped the ground he walked on, I would download pictures of him all day, I considered him to be perfect. My parents just considered this to be hero worship or some other thing, I'm not totally sure, but they were used to me being a little different and usually didn't question it if it didn't seem outright "sinful." When I was about 11 or 12, me and another boy started messing around a little bit. I loved it, but at the time it didn't click that I was starting to exhibit traits that the church considered so terrible, I knew my parents wouldn't approve, but I didn't even know what being gay really was, I had heard the term before but the actual details of it were extremely foreign to me. As I went through puberty, my sexual relationship with this other boy developed more and more, way beyond just showing eachother our dicks and stuff like that, it progressed to basically doing everything. I also started sneaking looking at gay porn and reading gay erotic stories. It turned me on so much, I don't ever remember even one single time being turned on by a women. I knew I was supposed to, because that's all my older brother and friends could talk about, but I didn't state their attraction whatsoever, even though I went along with it to fit in. Once I started to reach orgasm with my friend and by myself, that's when the guilt set in. I would feel like a piece of shit for doing what I was doing, I would repent, ask God for the strength to stop, and promise him I would never do it again.
This is one part of the story that makes me actively hate the teachings of the Christian church, I know people that are very involved and grew up just like I did, and they are consumed by guilt and shame over things they will never be able to control. It's so insanely wrong to make young boys, who are already struggling to figure out the changes to their body, feel guilty for something as benign and uncontrollable as masturbation. Teens are going to masturbate, there is NOTHING anyone can do to stop it, why would you even want to try?
Sorry for the tangent there, this story might have some of those.
So anyways, I started hanging out with another boy from church, I was 14 and he was 13. I thought he was gorgeous, and I could tell by the way he acted towards me that he liked me too, it wasn't long before we were fucking around. I was still caught in that cycle of guilt and shame though, we would mess around and I would have an orgasm and then feel so awkward and weird and the weight of the entire Bible would smack me in the face. I'd be back at it again the next day though, no matter how many times I asked God to change me, or help me stop, i never once actually changed or sensed any kind of help from God. Little did I know that this boy was also messing around with some other boys in church, and they got caught, his mom cornered him and he spilled the beans about everything, including throwing me under the bus. He even tried to paint it like he had tried to end our friendship because he didn't like it, when the truth was I had told him we couldn't hang out anymore because I felt so guilty about it and had gone into one of my super Christian modes where I had decided to dedicate my whole life to christ. The youth pastor confronted me about it, and the most messed up thing about it, is that they tried to paint me like I was some kind of predator, or at least responsible for the whole thing occurring since I was a year older. I confessed to what had happened immediately and told them my history of struggling with homosexuality, I was put out if ministry for three months, including not being allowed to perform in a play I had been practicing for. At the time I thanked God for getting caught, I thought that since the cat was out of the bag, and the pastors knew about it, then surely they'd be able to help me overcome it and I could be the normal straight boy I was always meant to be. I started regular counseling with them, and in one of the sessions I was told the story from Roman's, and basically told that because I was such a sinner God had given me over go unnatural lust. They also advised my dad to start taking more of an interest in my life, which he did for a little while. My dad had been woefully uninvolved in my life up to that point, I remember begging my mom to get him just to tell me he loved me, or hug me, it would change for a week or two then back to normal.
Time went on and everything eventually went back to normal, i convinced my parents and the pastors that I wasn't struggling with it anymore, but I just learned to hide it better. Around this time I met an older guy at church, he was super charismatic and extremely passionate about church and all the things of God, he took me under his wing and it seemed like a godsend. He was always bringing new people to church and was majorly involved with the youth, parents would regularly have their boys hang out with him because he was considered to be such a good influence. Little did I know that he was a wolf in sheep's clothing. One time I had spent the night over at his house and had been reading a book about breaking bandage to sin, it said in there to go tell someone you really trust about your struggle, so I went and told him. He responded by exposing himself to me, I think he thought that since I had been involved in that that maybe I would want to be with him, but I responded with disgust, and he didn't push it any further. I just moved past it and chalked it up to him being weird or having a different idea of closeness among men. I was so painfully naive and stupid at the time and didn't think much of it and still had the utmost respect for him. He ALWAYS presented himself as a spiritual leader and was always going the hardest at church, bringing the most new people, going to the most events, involved in the most ministry, so most people, including myself, looked past all the red flags he showed. When I was about 17 he and the rest of the guys that lived in his house moved close to my parents, and I took the opportunity to move out and moved into his house. The things I witnessed in that house cannot be repeated here, but I'll just say there was a constant stream of young boys coming to the house. Again, because this guy had such an air of authority, and such a charisma, nobody in the house or at church ever questioned the things he was doing, and I was in such a confused position about my own sexuality and so young and naive. I never witnessed anything blatant, but the things I did witness should have made me do something. I seriously regret not taking action then, but I did years later, I'll get to that. He did end up getting in trouble at church, one time he took a huge group of boys to a pool and some of the boys ripped his shorts off and he got out of the pool naked. An 11 year old told his mom and the church sat him down from any ministry for awhile. They didn't pursue it further than that though.
Eventually, I moved on from the church, I went my own way and fell in love with a guy. I never knew it was even possible to feel something so strong for someone. He was deeply in love with me for awhile too, but he was so consumed by guilt and shame and always felt like he was less masculine than he should be. He was a Mexican and lots of his friends were living the gangster, player lifestyle, sleeping with lots of girls wasn't just something you might do if you're so inclined, it was part of being a man and if you didn't do it there was something wrong with you. I watched this normal, somewhat preppy guy, turn into a wannabe gangbanger and it broke my heart. The more he pulled away, the harder I pulled him towards me, occasionally I would see glimpses of the guy I once knew, and it would be beautiful, but then he would change back to his new persona and block me out, by this time, even though I still felt some guilt and shame, it had lessened so much. I had started the process of embracing who I was and came out to a bunch of people that I trusted, it was so liberating and freeing. I knew at some point I had to end things with the guy I had spent several years at this point loving with my entire body and soul. I told him one morning that I couldn't see him anymore, not even as a friend, and it broke me. I went to work and had to log off the phones and went into the bathroom and cried like I had never cried in my life. I'm sure everyone could hear me, I grieved that relationship from the depths of my being.
I had started experimenting with drugs as a young teen, I smoked weed for the first time when I was 13, and by the time I was 20 I was an experienced drug user, my main girl was Marijuana, but I would dabble in whatever I could get my hands on for the most part, except for the really hard stuff. It was around the time that I ended things with my "boyfriend" that I was first introduced to opiates. It was like I was a whole person again, all the pain of my life was gone for as long as the high lasted and I could just breathe easy. I did not get addicted at this time, but it planted the seed in my life and in my eyes opiates were great and I had zero clue about how dangerous and deadly they can really be, it was just a beautiful drug that I could escape to.
I eventually got over things with my first love, I didn't even think of him anymore. I moved back in with my parents, but didn't go to church. I was working at call centers and teaching myself to be a web developer. My posture was so bad and my back started to really be affected, every now and then I would do something as benign as sneezing and my back would blow out. It went to the doctor and they prescribed me this drug they described as a non addictive pain reliever called tramadol. I wish I would have done some research, but I was just glad to have some relief so that I didn't have to miss a ton of work because of my back. I look back and wish I would have just fixed my posture, but I was dead set at the time on a quick fix, and that quick fix cost me years and years of my life. Tramadol was like heaven, it's an ssri mixed with an opiate essentially, and when I was on it, I felt like a normal person again, I felt so good and I was so productive, work didn't feel like every second took an hour, it was beautiful, until they cut my prescription off after a few months and I tried to stop taking it. It's funny, because I look back now and the withdrawal symptoms I was experiencing were NOTHING compared to the hell I would go through later in life, but at the time it was awful, I couldn't sleep, couldn't relax, and just felt like shit. I talked to guy at church that i knew got pain relievers and it turned out he had hundreds of tramadol pills just sitting around and he sold them to me for a super cheap price, something like 10 bucks for a bottle of 300. I started popping them like candy, and the next couple months were a blur. Then the day came when he couldn't get anymore, I hit up the girl I used to get weed and coke from, and it turned out she didn't have tramadol, but she did have perc 30s, the real ones. This was about the time that America was just starting to go pain releiever berserk, everyone was taking them. At first it seemed like not that bad of a deal, 15 bucks a pill but that single pill was so strong it would last me a day or two, more expensive than the tramadol, but the high was stronger. As my tolerance grew, so did the amount of money I was spending. I felt out of control, and if I thought the withdrawals from the tramadol were bad, they were NOTHING compared to trying to quit percocet. Eventually, I just couldn't afford them anymore, but I had a friend that was addicted to heroin, and he showed me how to shoot up heroin, I had smoked it before, but shooting it absolutely blew my socks off. It was like the best orgasm you've ever experienced, pure, unadulterated bliss, and it was dirt cheap.
I'll make a long story short and get to the point of making this post, I eventually got to the end of my rope and told my parents what was happening. They were nothing but supportive and just wanted to see me get better. I started fighting, trying to wean myself off of it, it started a bitter battle of withdrawing, relapsing, withdrawing relapsing, until I couldn't do it anymore. I researched on the internet about getting help and ended up finding out about methadone. I ended up starting on methadone, and the next five years of my life flew by. I was finally stable, I had to go to the clinic every morning for my dose, but it was worth it to at least be able to just live my life and not have to constantly be on the hunt for money and heroin. In the middle of that five years, I ended up moving into the guy from my church's house. He had started his own church and gotten married, and I foolishly assumed that maybe he had learned his lesson and changed his ways. Him and his wife had fertility issues and were foster parents. There were time where I thought the way him and his foster son interacted was weird and suspicious, for instance one time his foster son was sitting next to him, but with the leg closest to this guy folded over so his butt was facing this guy, and my friend had his leg touching his butt. I again, stupidly and naively, assumed the best and figured with his wife watching, who I had the utmost respect for, that nothing could possibly happen that would harm their foster kids. I ended up moving out because they were going to be getting more foster kids and didn't have the space anymore, and their older foster kid, who had added me on Facebook, sent me a Screenshot of this guy sending him a message on Facebook messenger, it read "Hey, time to play show and don't tell [devil emoji face]." I couldn't just do nothing this time, I was sick and tired of being the bystander who did nothing while this guy got away with murder because he was always in the guise of some kind of religious authority figure. First I called the cops and the cops advised me to call cps, so I did. I told them my story of how he had exposed himself to me and other stuff I had seen him do. I sent them the screenshot I had. They took immediate action, and the foster kids were removed from their home. He was ordered not to even be around kids anymore, it basically destroyed his church because who wants to go to the church of a guy who isn't allowed to be around kids? Last I heard they moved to Atlanta and are having a child, I really hope he changes his ways at some point and learns from that, for his wife's sake at least.
Fast forward a couple years and I moved back into my parents house, I landed my first big web development job making really good money. My parents were so proud of me, they refused to even charge me rent, even though I was making really good money. One thing about the methadone that I really hated was that it made me so sleepy at the worst of times, especially right after I took it in the morning. I would go to work and just not be able to stay awake. I even paid out of pocket for a desk you could raise up, and I would fall asleep standing up. To that companies credit, they stuck with me for a year, but I constantly missed deadlines and they ended up letting me go. They didn't fight me going on unemployment and I use them as a reference to this day, really great people there. As I was getting fired from this job, I reconnected with an old friend. He swore up and down he was clean from opiates for a long time, but securely he had a prescription to percocets. He slowly starting planting the seeds of using again in my head and before you know it we were using together. I think his plan was that since I was making really good money, he could get me using again and then sell me part of his prescription.
We were getting high with some other people one day and they pulled out what looked like percocets, but we were told it was actually better, it was fentanyl, and it was only 7 bucks a pill. Me and my friend shared one and it blew our minds. I slowly starting using again, every single day, and my usage got higher and higher. Eventually, I starting buying 40 or 50 of them at a time and selling them to support my own habit. The next part I'm going to have to be very careful about what I say, but let's just say I made some connections that got me deep into the criminal part of fentanyl. Slowly me and my friend got more and more involved, and I brought another friend in and we started putting ourselves at substantial risk, but we were paid very well in pills. At one time in my life I was making 1500 pills a week as pay, my usage had ballooned to about 100 pills a day. My two friends become very important at this time in the story. One friend had a wife, the other friend had been a heroin addict for a decade and until he got off the needle and starting snorting pills instead, looked like the walking dead, no women would touch him. Friend a and his wife had a terrible toxic relationship, and it put a huge amount of stress on him. He started getting absolutely blitzed on Xanax and fentanyl, and the people we worked for started to doubt his ability to do the job. The was when his wife started planting the seeds of lust in friend b's head. Before this he hated her, but once he got a little taste of female attention it was like he lost all logic. She ended up switching on her husband, and the night he got arrested she was over at friend b's house seducing him. He's not innocent by any means, he should have known better, but this girl is probably the most manipulative person I've ever known. She put him through hell, every two weeks he would call me saying they broke up and how psycho she is, which I can testify to, but he would be back with her a couple days later.
Months go by and she has started talking to her ex again on the phone. He's promising her he's going to get out soon and she's starting to only remember the good things about him and the threat of my friend breaking up with her is looming over her head. One night me and my friend left to do business and she asked him to turn the cameras off in his apartment because she felt uncomfortable. That night we got busted, I won't say how, but I refused to talk and they didn't actually catch me with anything, but my friend wad caught dead to rights. I was certain I was going to be charged with something, but I was released by some miracle. She robbed his apartment blind, took all his guns, all his cash, all his remaining pills, cleaned him out completely and then disappeared. The next day I stopped taking the methadone, this was the wakeup call I needed. It was the start of me getting clean for good. I struggled for the next couple months, I eventually told my parents about everything I had been involved with. They weren't happy, but I think they could tell that I was really trying to change this time. They were paranoid though, the people I worked with weren't the nicest people and my parents felt I put them in danger. Me and my friend were the best they ever had, we were probably the most trustworthy people they had ever dealt with, so in reality there was little chance we were in danger from them. The true danger I put them in was by drug addicts knowing I had large amounts of drugs and knowing where I lived. I'll never forgive myself for being so freaking stupid.
To my friends credit, he changed his life completely. The judge took one look at him and said he was the worst case of addiction the court had ever seen, they sent him to rehab. He leaned completely into it, all he did in there was go to classes and work out. When he completed the rehab, he was put on extremely strict pretrial release and allowed to come home. All he could do was go to work, church, and that's it, he had an ankle monitor and had to drug test constantly, he never failed a single one. This dude transformed himself conpletetely, when I finally saw him for the first time I didn't even recognize him, he had put on like 80 lbs of raw muscle. When he finally went to his sentencing date, even the prosecutor basically argued that even though what he did was really bad, the change was obvious to anyone that can see, my friend was given probation. The judge commented that the guy that walked into the courtroom the first time couldn't possibly be the same guy that was standing there now. I'm choking up thinking about it because this guy lost a fucking leg from heroin, and here a judge and prosecutor are blown away by all he's achieved because THEY NEVER SEE THIS. All they see is people failing their drug tests and going back to jail, to see someone sink to the depths he did and then recover, it was a beautiful day.
As for me, I spent the next couple months after my night in jail fighting so damn hard to get free, it wasn't easy, my parents helped me tremendously. During this time I started leaning back into their church again. I prayed so hard for a miracle, for God to deliver me from this addiction like so many people at the church claimed he did for them. It never happened, instant deliverance never happened, what did happen was suffering and pain, and finally a week long detox stay where they helped me through the worst of it. Once I got home I hit the ground running, I had seen all I ever wanted to see of the opiate world. It was a tough adjustment at first, I had to learn how to cope without drugs, I leaned really hard into working out and producing music. Those are my drugs now, I lost 90 lbs I had gained during my addiction and totally transformed physically. It's been over two years now, and I haven't touched anything ever. I don't associate with any drug users, don't even use Marijuana.
That brings me to the end of my story, years ago I convinced my parents that I wasn't pursuing the "gay lifestyle" anymore, they're under the assumption I'm at least trying to be straight, or at least not pursuing anything with men. Nothing could be further from the truth, I'm currently head over heels for a guy who I'm very sure feels the same about me. I feel bad though, my mother still brings up how "gods gonna bring the right girl along to you and you're gonna give me grandkids." She's always wanted grandkids and my brother and his wife have fertility issues and my sister is not mentally sound enough to have a relationship or kids, so my mom views me as a last resort for grandkids. I don't know if I'll ever be able to rip that bandaid off, after all the pain and heartache I put my parents through and all the support and love they gave me through all my bullshit, it feels especially cruel to do that to her. I know it has to happen eventually, I look fantastic nowadays and am bound to find a great guy that will be my person, and I'm not gonna give that up for anything.
Anyways, if you made it this far thanks for reading my story, this is the first time I've ever told it publicly.

... was kinda anticlimactic. At least compared to JA2 vanilla. In JA2 it felt like you were going against a whole army in Deidrannas city (which you totally were) and some endgame sectors could turn pretty overwhelming at some point with all the tanks and everything, even on normal difficulty. But in JA3 my squad was pretty much waltzing through the last sectors with one-tap headshots everywhere and barely taking any damage. I've played on First Blood difficulty with Forgiving Mode off and the game overall was too easy imho. I had some trouble at the beginning with low stats and small firearms but once I found my first rifles it definitely became easier over time. I was hoping for more difficult sectors towards the end. And I honestly didn't notice/know you can change the difficulty midgame. But I'll definitely amp up the difficulty for my next playthrough.
Here's a gallery of my map and my mercs. (Potential merc spoilers)
Playtime according to my savestate is 53 hours. Ingame date is June 22nd 2002. The only mod I've installed halfway through is the one to pause the game.
Story: It's nothing out of the ordinary but also not bad. I like the fact that it has some connections and easter-eggs to previous JA games.
Money: Ended the game with almost $3,000,000 and $17,000 daily income without going straight for the mines and no infinite mines mod. I definitely took my time with training, scouting and questing. I could hire the entire A.I.M. roster at this point and still have multi 7 figures. So money doesn't get an issue at all throughout the game when you stick to low-cost mercs. But JA2 wasn't any different in that regard.
Mercs: The only mercs I hired and needed were the ones in the screenshots. MD with his high wisdom and medic stats is mvp in the low-tier category. Kalyna was only there to roam around and train militia. The only random interractions I've had were between MD and Larry because of his drug addiction. I'm gonna have to try other combinations in my future playthroughs.
Sidequests: I've only done about half of the sidequests without rushing anything. They are all unique and interesting and even engaging/funny. I still have to figure out how to finish some of the other sidequests. For example I'm still not sure how to complete the treasure quests and I don't wanna google it.
I liked the zombie idea for the sci-fi part of the game. I was curious what the devs were going for and was positively surprised. But I feel like they need a buff to pose a bigger threat.
Weapons: Two facts I really like are: 1. Most of the bigger and better weapons are hardlocked behind a certain point of the story When you're supposed to meet with Corazon and you're branded as a warcriminal.. You can't simply stumble upon some overpowered rifles for the whole squad and then rush early game areas. 2. The high-tier and legendary mercs have similar equipment as the low-tier ones. So you can't hire the legendary mercs for a day to get the big guns early on.
But the only weapons I needed anyway are the M24 and Dragunov. M24 is pretty much the only high stat sniper rifle in the game. Dragunovs are pretty good for their crit chances combined with burst mode. Maybe I slept on some of the other weapons but the rest didn't seem to compare with M24 and Dragunov at all stat-wise. I wish there was more competition among the weapons. I held on to some AR-15s in case I get into some tricky situations and need to rambo my way through with different ammo types. But sadly I didn't really need them.
Leveling/Percs/Overwatch: I like the system but most of the percs don't seem to be game-changing which is good and "bad" at the same time. They don't break the game but also don't really impact the combats. Except the interrupt mechanic. That one can turn pretty deadly with some good perc combinations.
I have mixed feelings about the overwatch mechanic. I do miss the interrupt mechanic from JA2. The OW mechanic is a substitue but unfortunately not a good/complete one imho. You can't turn around a bad situation with OW. When you're not prepared and don't have intel from where enemies can appear, your mercs can pretty much be completely overrun by a couple enemies without a chance of survival. Even when you use OW regularly. And OW comes with a big disadvantage which is the limitation of your direction and fov cone. Your merc is completely locked in that regard. In JA2 you were still able to turn and shoot when your merc was able to interrupt and turn a situation in your favor and it felt way more rewarding. I get what the devs were trying to do here but the mechanic isn't very useful overall. At least for my playstyle.
Conclusion: The game does not disappoint. It's overall a very fun experience with all the easter-eggs and everything. Could some things have been better? Yes, bu it's still a Jagged Alliance game which was the most important point for me. I'm definitely looking forward to my high difficulty plays in future. If you have read this far, big thank your for your time and I hope you enjoy the game as much as I do.
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