This story is one that started a long time ago, but still affects my (32F) day-to-day life. Sorry everyone, it's a long one.
It began about 17 years ago, when I was 15 and still in school. I frequented internet forums including several fan sites of video games and books I enjoyed. One of these was a role playing forum where I and five others were writing stories together in our favourite universes. I got along well with the other members and it was a great way for me to learn English. Importantly, we only ever communicated through text, never through voice or video calls.
This is where I met the main character of this story, let's call him Tom. Tom said he was 19 years old, and was the only guy active on the forum. He had a great way with words, was mature beyond his years, and had a natural charisma about him. Naturally, as a 15-year-old with no prior experience with relationships, I was instantly drawn to this mysterious, well-spoken figure. Over the course of a month since meeting him, our conversations grew in frequency and depth, until eventually we spoke to each other on chat clients for 3-4 hours a day. At the same time, we continued writing our stories, including a plethora of romantic scenes between our respective characters. We also shared poems that we had written. It was an intense experience for me - I had never really had such a deep connection with a 'boy' before.
My parents never really taught me the importance of internet safety, and I can't blame them: it was all still very new at this time, also to them. It was Tom and my other friends on the forum that stressed how important it was to keep personal information private, especially when they learned my age. Tom especially was adamant never to share my location or photo with anyone, not even with him. It made me feel safe with him - for how could someone who so actively dissuaded me from sharing my information be a monster?
Of course I fell in love with him, to whatever extent a 15-year-old brain can comprehend love.
From written descriptions I had given of myself, Tom had expressed that he thought I must look beautiful, and so the fool that I was I gathered up the courage to send him a picture of myself anyway, desperate for his approval. He was complimentary, but did ask me why I had sent him a picture. I admitted my feelings for him. Tom was understanding, but stressed that he would never be able to give me what I needed from him.
Still, that did not stop either of us from progressing the nature of our interactions into something more sinister. I call it sinister looking back on it as an adult; at the time it was titillating and exciting. We started to send each other 'kisses' goodnight, sent back and forth explicit drawings depicting characters that looked like us, and described other intimate interactions over chat.
My mother once came into my room and witnessed Tom calling me by an endearing term. She interrogated me and I begged her not to make me break off contact with Tom. She listened to me, but made me promise her to be sensible. I want to scream at her now for not stopping it then.
My school friends did what my mother could not: they were concerned for my safety, and stepped to the headmistress, who called me into her office. After telling Tom about the encounter, he panicked. He told me we could no longer chat, and made me promise to tell the headmistress that it was over. I was heartbroken, but promised him.
I did ask Tom if we could still communicate through other means - we were doing some online art projects together that we both wanted to finish. He said yes, we could still maintain contact over e-mail and forum DM, but chat was off the table for now. I took what I could get.
The years that followed were chaotic. Sometimes our contact would be e-mail only, then we would move back to chat. At times, when things got too hard, I would decide to go no-contact for a while. I had my first real relationships in the lulls, but I would always come back. Tom would always receive me with open arms, either as a friend whenever I was dating someone, or rekindling our romantic interactions when I was not. He was always kind, patient, sensitive, and seemed selfless in his interactions with me. He made me feel so good about myself that I became obsessed with him, convinced he was the love of my life.
Three years in, Tom knew my real name, knew where I lived, and had seen nudes of me (he used one as his desktop background for years). At the same time, I knew nothing about Tom. What was worse, the few details he had unintentionally revealed weren't adding up.
Tom always portrayed our story as one of star-crossed lovers who due to circumstance outside our control could never be together. He told me I would never love him if I ever saw him in real life. First he claimed that his face had been ruined by flesh-eating bacteria. When my biology degree taught me that it's nearly impossible to survive that, he claimed body dysmorphic disorder (which I think to some extent was true).
Things reached boiling point six years into this mess. He slipped up, and revealed a detail about his life that directly contradicted the only concrete thing he had ever told me about himself: his age. I took a day to process, then confronted him, asking him how old he really was. After some initial resistance, he admitted that he had lied.
Mid-thirties, he said. A decade(!) older than he had at first claimed. I should have been furious, but after 6 years of being charmed and manipulated by him, I could only feel sorry for him. When I assured him that nothing between us had to change because of a 'number', he dropped the next bombshell:
Tom: "Alright then. Mid-forties."
I felt like I couldn't breathe. For years, I had been having sexually explicit conversations with someone old enough to be my father when I had believed him to be my age. What was worse, it had all started when I was underage. I gave Tom an ultimatum: either tell me the full truth about who he was; or lose me forever. I gave him two weeks to send me his information. He decided not to, which should have immediately set off the alarm bells that there was even more he was lying about; more he had to hide. I didn't even consider that in the moment; my heart was broken once again, and I cut off contact.
At the time, Tom and I had a number of mutual friends that we both spoke to regularly. Two of these were my cousin and his wife. I went to see them after I found out about Tom's real age, trying to find solace and understanding from someone who also knew him. I felt incredibly betrayed and angry, and asked that they also break contact - maybe that was a bit of an a-hole move. They said no: after all, Tom had never revealed his age to my cousin or his wife. As such, he had never lied to them, only to me, and they were not willing to end their friendship with Tom over that. When I asked what they thought of a 40-year-old having explicit conversations with a 15-year-old, they said that from a certain age, the teenager also has a responsibility in preventing this.
My cousin and his wife were not the only mutual friends that knew what was going on. Amazingly and invariably, NONE of our mutual friends chose to break contact with Tom over this. It caused immense doubt in me. Was I wrong in judging Tom for lying to me? Maybe the lie wasn't so terrible. And all those explicit conversations? Well, I instigated a large number of them, not Tom, so maybe I was equally, if not largely, to blame.
The way I see it now: Tom is like a cult leader: no matter what he does or says, his 'followers' will defend him; even blame themselves if it strips him of guilt. What is worse, anyone who dropped out of his inner circle would feel incredibly isolated and excluded. My friends would not play games with me because they preferred playing games with him. They would not write with me, because writing with him was so much more fun. I wish I'd had the strength to stay away, but one year later I came crawling back, desperate to be included into his circle once again, desperate for his affection that the others seemed to thrive under.
I was 22 at this time. Our contact was sporadic for the next four years - I was hesitant to engage romantically with him, even though part of me, despite everything he had put me through, still 'loved' him (trust me, writing this down, my naivety is making me want to claw my eyes out). I entered a relationship with someone else during this time, and went back to no-contact for most of its 4-year duration. When that relationship ended, Tom and I started talking more again, slowly slipping back into old habits and using the same terms of endearment we had used in the past. Tom revealed more details about himself now - he would talk about his boss, his sister, his friends, his home-town, and discussed things that were going on in his personal life. We also started talking over voice-chat, and damn it, he had an attractive voice.
I had just turned 27 when a response of his triggered me. We were recalling the early days of our interactions, and I mentioned how he had once accidentally sent me an e-mail from a throwaway account. I recalled the address letter by letter (I have a mild form of autism). He went very quiet, and then said that my memory was astounding.
Something in my lizard brain decided to look up the name in that e-mail address. I had done the same 12 years prior, but I had much more information now. It took me three hours to cross-reference the tidbits of information he had fed me over the months and years within the context of this name. And what do you know: it WAS his real name. I continued looking for the rest of the evening.. and I found much more than I bargained for.
You see, Tom was not the only person registered to his house. He was reported to live there with a woman who shared his last name, let's call her Hannah. I naively thought she might be the sister he mentioned (though he had given another name). Fortunately for me, Hannah was a lot less careful than Tom with her personal information, and I soon found a link to her blog on her Twitter page. A goldmine of information, going back over 10 years, covering almost every single day since Tom and I started talking.
My blood went cold as I started reading. It soon became clear to me that not only was Hannah his WIFE of 25-or-so years, they had an 11-year-old SON together (let's call him Jacob). I was 100% sure it was his wife writing - I could easily cross-reference the little things he had told me (assembling a bookcase, having lamb for dinner, visiting SIL for the weekend, getting a sunburn) with the details she was sharing about their life.
Once more, I should have run for the hills. Once more, I didn't. I often wonder how I could have been so stupid as to let this shitshow continue for so long, despite the thousand-and-one reasons Tom had given me to drop him. I can only attribute it to some kind of twisted sunk cost fallacy. By recognising Tom for the monster that he was, I had to face having loved that monster for over a decade. It meant admitting to myself that I was a terrible judge of character, and how could I possibly trust anyone ever again if I could not trust my own judgment? Also, all our mutual friends had always normalised his behaviour to the extent that it seemed almost arrogant to say that HE was in the wrong.
Because of the reactions that I had received from my friends and cousin last time, I kept what I knew to myself, even from Tom. Enter the next ridiculous phase of the story: Tom was saying how he was ordering a passport SO THAT HE COULD COME TO VISIT ME AND MY COUSIN. And idiot that I was, I wanted nothing more, because I was STILL IN LOVE WITH THE SH*T even after everything he had done, now not only to me, but also to his wife Hannah and his son.
I met him in real life five months later. He would be visiting my house for the day, and I was planning to confront him about what I knew. I had given one of my close friends his real name and address, and had told them to contact the police in the event they didn't hear from me by evening - I had no idea how Tom would react when exposed. Probably the fact that I felt unsafe in the first place should have been enough reason not to meet him alone.
We met, and I wish I didn't feel attracted to this 50-year-old but I did. We talked a lot. Eventually, I decided to test him, to see if he would be disloyal to his wife. While our conversations had definitely been flirty over the past year or so, I had never actually been straight with Tom and told him I still felt the same way. So I told him. Credit to him where it is due, he said he couldn't pursue a relationship with me, but followed it up with 'that we could still hold hands and hug'. He did not tell me why he couldn't, of course.
Only then did I reveal what I knew. I told him I've known for months now what his real name is, where he works, where he lives, and who he lives with. I probably could've been a bit more sensitive in how I brought it up (but let's be honest he doesn't deserve it and I was pretty pissed off keeping this stuff inside for 5 months). He turned incredibly pale and said that I could ask him anything I wanted to know. I asked him about his wife and their relationship (which hadn't been good for years according to him), his son (the pride of his life), and why on earth he had chosen to have explicit exchanges with a 15-year-old as a married man ('I was drunk').
During his stay, we were never intimate in the 'spicy' way, but we did hold hands a lot, he would have his hand on my leg, and we shared long hugs. He stayed the nights at my cousin's, and a few days later he left to go back to his country.
I am not proud of what happened next. Over the next months, we video chatted almost every evening. The conversations got flirtier, the amount of clothes we were wearing diminished until we both went into the calls topless.
One night, things escalated. We had gotten into a fight earlier in the evening - he had revealed that during that first real-life meeting, he had made an audio recording of the whole conversation, apparently so he could later prove to his wife that nothing happened. I responded that it was ok (it totally wasn't but that's beside the point), that I had taken precautions as well, and told him about the friend I had contacted. He lost it, saying I had no right to share his personal details with my friend or anyone else. I got angry in return, saying that he had no reason to distrust me as in the 12 years of knowing each other I had never lied to him; on the other hand I had EVERY reason to distrust him as he literally hid a wife and son from me, and had lied to a 15-year-old girl about his age.
We were both emotionally drained after, and I took things a step further that night, and seduced him into doing more together in front of the camera, maybe knowing that he would be too drained to refuse. He asked me later if I had consciously manipulated him into going along with it, choosing a vulnerable moment to strike - maybe I did, and I regret it.
Over the next months, our 'mishap' developed into a full-blown affair. I visited his home-town about 5 times in the year that followed. We kissed, and did basically everything apart from the 'deed' itself. I think he never wanted to have traditional sex either because then he could keep justifying to himself that he hadn't cheated on his wife, or because he was terrified of getting me pregnant. During my stays in his home-town, he would bring his son Jacob along to our lunches and dinners. Mostly to pacify his wife I suspect, for how could it be an affair with his son around? I loved the kid, we got along well, but I hated the lie that I had to live. To put myself through this was one thing, but it was so unbelievably unfair on Hannah and Jacob.
The whole situation sent me into severe depression. I was abandoning my morals for this man whom I still could not trust. I was lonely, and didn't date because I refused to be a cheater myself (maybe hypocritical). With every real-life meeting, his mask slipped further, and by the end there was little left of the charismatic, caring man that I had imagined him to be. Still, I was so entangled with him that I could not imagine my life without Tom. I did not know who I was without this person, who had completely overshadowed at this point almost half my life and all my adult life. I was stuck.
Eventually, I gave Tom an ultimatum again: Hannah, or me. I gave him two months to make up his mind. We spoke daily, and as his 'deadline' was approaching he became verbally aggressive with me, saying that he wasn't enjoying our conversations as much as he used to because I kept bringing up the choice he had to make. I asked him what he needed from me. He said he needed more time. I am ashamed to say I gave him that time.
I was lucky to have found two very close friends among my colleagues over the course of this whole drama. They had slowly witnessed the situation devolve into something unmaintainable. One of them often visited when I had panic attacks; she even slept next to me on the bad nights to make sure I'd be ok. They recommended me to make written lists of the red flags that I saw, the abusive behaviours Tom had demonstrated, and the effects the whole situation was having on me. They made me see how he would never choose me, that he was happy using everything and everyone as long as it served his needs. They slowly guided me into making the right decision during a work conference, when I didn't have time to contact Tom. Being away from his reach for a week, combined with the continuous talks with my two friends throughout the conference, made me strong enough to make a decision. Together, we agreed that as soon as I got back home, I would call Tom and cut ties with him. My friends would be available on call straight after.
Thanks to my friends, I went through with it. I cut contact almost three years ago now. As expected, he did not fight for me, and never tried to contact me again. My friends saw me through the worst of it.
Four months after cutting ties with Tom, I met the man who is now my husband, and we are currently expecting a baby. He makes me unbelievably happy, and has taught me what a loving relationship should feel like. He knows about this whole story and is very supportive. He even encouraged me to post this as he believes it'd help me process things.
I am still in touch with some of Tom's friends: my cousin, his wife, and a 40-year-old woman who has been my friend since the start of this whole story and was my MOH during my wedding. I have decided not to hold it against them that they cannot let go of Tom - hell, I couldn't let go for 14 years. It just demonstrates the horrible grip and influence he has on people. My MOH and I have an understanding that we don't discuss Tom, and that saved the friendship - we actually have a lot in common and enjoy each other's company a lot. I refuse to lose any more people over him.
I am in a good place now, looking forward to the future, and can't wait to meet our child. Still, this experience has not left me unscathed. I still struggle with trust, in other people and myself, and feel that I am responsible for a lot of what happened. I feel incredibly ashamed and naive for my behaviour over the years. I especially feel horrible about what I did to Hannah and Jacob - as far as I know, Tom never told them about the affair, but I would be very surprised if Hannah didn't know what was going on. I do have my suspicions that I am not the only one Tom did this with, but I have no proof, and it does not take away any of my responsibility in all of this.
So reddit: did I seduce Tom as a 15-year-old, or did he groom me and manipulate me into falling for him? Or was our interaction simply toxic on both sides, and not any one person's fault? And AITA for having pursued this affair even after I found out Tom was married? Also, should I reach out to Hannah (though honestly I would be a bit scared to do so, and I don't feel at all like reinserting myself into Tom's life in any way)?
And finally the question that still keeps me up at night: did Tom ruin half my life, or did I do that all by myself? And if I had a role to play in this, am I fit to be a mother?
TL;DR: As a 15-year-old, I fell in love with a man who claimed he was 19 but was actually 40. 12 years later, I found out he had a wife and son, but had become so infatuated with him that I pursued an affair with him. I ended the affair two years later but still feel guilty. I feel like much of what happened is my responsibility, since I instigated most of the intimacy. AITA?

[Note: We’re focusing on emotional reasons; not physical. And this is just one perspective. Please consult your doctor for healing, withdrawals, etc.]
TL;DR: Addictions are coping mechanisms for an unfulfilled, disconnected life. You're craving intimacy and connection. And, you’re addicted because you judge yourself (and others).
Replace “addiction” with “momentum.” You hire an addiction to do one of two jobs:

• Slow Down Negative Momentum (i.e. depressant; takes away pain, calming and relief from stress).
• Speed Up Positive Momentum (i.e. stimulant; gives pleasure, fun, energy and motivation).

Addictions are used to regulate your emotions. But, when you artificially modify momentum, that keeps you stuck. So you’re learning how to shift from negative addictions (e.g. social media, junk food, vaping, etc.) to positive addictions (e.g. meditate, exercise, dancing, drawing, etc.).
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Before we begin, this is important: I’m not here trying to fix you. Because I don’t think you’re broken. I believe in you. You are strong, worthy and powerful enough to transform this. You may not know how to yet, but we’ll work together in understanding what’s at the heart of the issue, to support you in allowing the life you want and deserve.
Secondary Addictions: Phone, social media, food, sugar, caffeine, alcohol, video games, relationships, attention, validation, anger, sex, porn, weed, smoking, gambling, shopping, hoarding, workaholic, perfectionist, procrastinating, etc. All of these are secondary; compensating for an even greater addiction.
Primary Addiction: You’re addicted to judging yourself (and others). Not accepting and appreciating yourself and others is the cause of secondary addictions.
Addictions are coping mechanism for an unfulfilled, disconnected life. Mistreating substances is a reflection of how you treat yourself. And the irony is, part of the source for addiction is… judging yourself for doing it.
Addiction: Consistently using a substance or experience to regulate your emotions (this can be positive or negative).
And to add another layer: Replace “addiction” with “momentum” (or movement or energy flow). There’s momentum towards what you want or don’t want, and we’re discussing shifting momentum from unwanted to wanted; negative addictions to positive. Your natural state is to feel better. But if you don’t know how to do that, then you’ll rely on circumstances and people as fuel for feeling movement. But, when you artificially modify momentum, that keeps you stuck.
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The Cycle of Addictions

• Unwanted/ Negative Addiction: Judging anything makes you crave relief → So you consume more external/ conditional relief; relying on circumstances and people to feel better → Until you start judging again.
• Wanted/ Positive Addiction: Judging anything makes you crave relief → So you consume more internal/ unconditional relief; relying on your ability to focus to feel better → Accepting and appreciating reduces your desire for judging and negative addictions.

Negative addictions are used to avoid negative emotions. Whereas positive addictions are used to heal and embrace negative emotions.
Negative emotions are positive guidance (although it might not feel that way) letting you know you are focusing on (and judging) what you don't want. Negative emotions are just messengers of the limiting beliefs you're practicing. They're a necessary part of your emotional guidance, like GPS in your car. But the more you avoid or fight them, you keep yourself stuck.
All emotions are equal and worthy. But most people unknowingly create a hierarchy for their emotions (i.e. positive = good; negative = bad). Begin seeing negative emotions as worthy, valuable and supportive friends, and work together as a team to help you feel better.
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The Purpose of Addictions

Because you’re the CEO of you, you hire an addiction to do one of two jobs:

• Slow Down Negative Momentum (i.e. depressant; takes away pain, calming and relief from stress).
• Speed Up Positive Momentum (i.e. stimulant; gives pleasure, fun, energy, motivation and enhances a good time).

Addictions either make you feel more powerful, or distract you from feeling powerless. Negative addictions give you a false sense of security, which ironically enhances your insecurity. And that keeps you stuck in a cycle of abuse with negative addictions.
Addictions can soften your focus, so you’re distracted and more general with your thoughts (i.e. tune out). And when you focus less on details, then you’re less aware of what you specifically don’t want or have, so you judge less. And with less judgement, you slow down negative momentum, and naturally feel better.
Negative addictions can help you tune out, but they also won’t let you tune in to who you really are. So if you use substances to numb yourself, then you lose your ability to focus. But it’s your power of focusing that will set you free.
Negative addictions are trying to fill a void, with things that aren’t designed to fill it. It’s like trying to fill a cup with a hole in the bottom; so no matter how much you put in, it's still empty. And you use secondary addictions to distract yourself so you don’t feel the emptiness. But the only way to fix the hole is to be reminded of how powerful, worthy and whole you really are. And it’s not a fact that you’re unworthy; it’s just something you’ve been taught by other people, who feel unworthy.
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Because negative addictions are coping mechanisms, then if you think it’s the cause, then not using it will be the cure. But that doesn’t work as a long-term solution because it doesn’t address the actual issue: judging. So when you stop one unwanted behavior, you’ll probably start something else; i.e. transfer addiction. Or, you can call it transfer relief.
As long as you believe negative addictions help you feel normal, then you're not incentivized to let go because it’s not in your best interest. But when you feel better first, before going to the substance or experience, then you gradually remove its purpose, and thus your desire for it.

• Instead of saying, "I'm addicted," (which is valid). It's more accurate to say, “I’m seeking relief in the best way I know how.”

Negative addictions are just tools, and you used that tool to help you through a difficult time when you didn't know what else to do. You did the best you could, and now you’re ready for a change.

• “Thank you, negative addiction. I appreciate that you supported me. But, I’m taking the company in a new direction, and I will no longer be needing your services.”

Negative addictions have imposter syndrome; and rightfully so — they’re unqualified for the job of giving you sustainable relief. So when you start hiring positive addictions, then you release the control negative addictions once had over the company (i.e. you).
And it doesn’t mean you still don’t enjoy technology, food, etc. You can let them be for fun (based on your personal boundaries), but you are in control. They’re expressions of a fulfilling life; not replacements for it.
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Positive Addictions — What You’re Really Craving

Addictions indicate you're craving intimacy and connection. With others is nice, but you’re craving connection with yourself. And to stop an unwanted addiction, you want a new healthy habit to take its place. Because without it, there’s a power vacuum. So, what are your new healthier coping mechanisms to connect with yourself? For ex:

• "When I feel sad, I meditate for 2 - 15 minutes."
• "When I feel powerless, I exercise, go for a walk, ride a bike, or connect with nature.”
• "When I feel unloved and rejected, I connect with my body, by putting my hand on my heart, focus on deep breathing and being there for myself."
• "When I feel bored, I practice creative outlets to express myself (e.g. dancing, singing, drawing, gardening, crocheting, cooking, etc.).”

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Tips to Start Healing

1. Be Aware. Be Mindful. Be Intentional. When using an unwanted addiction, tell yourself,

• “I am consciously using this for relief. I’m not going to judge myself, because I understand why I’m doing it. I feel lonely, bored, sad, stressed, etc. And so, I am intentionally doing this activity to feel better.”

The simple act of bringing awareness to an unwanted habit shines light into the darkness, and you start regaining your power. You’re still doing the unwanted activity, but you’re tuning in, instead of tuning out.
2. Make a Deal with Yourself. When you get tempted to do an unwanted addiction, focus on feeling better first (e.g. meditate or go for a walk for a few minutes). Then, you can still do the unwanted addiction after you feel better. (This isn’t advocating unwanted behavior, but it is being realistic in helping you wean yourself off, and begin the job transfer process from negative to positive addictions.) So it accomplishes three things:

1. You’re not depriving yourself; you’re just slightly delaying gratification, which builds up your strength of not automatically going to the same unwanted habit.
2. You’re replacing the old addiction with a better-feeling one (and notice that you’ll consume less and/ or gradually have less desire to use the substance).
3. You create self-trust and respect by making a practical deal with yourself, and showing that you’re stronger than you think and can follow through; which also gives you hope that you can do this.

3. Reduce Consumption: Adjust Time and/ or Intensity. (E.g. If you’re smoking five days a week; do only four days, or use one less a day than normal).
4. Focus on what you want to start doing, instead of what you want to stop doing. What do you want to feel?

• “I want to start feeling relief. I want to feel supported. I want to start feeling more loved and accepted for who I am. I want to feel more comfortable and ease. I want to feel more at peace myself. I want to start feeling how strong and capable my body is. I want to feel proud of myself. I want to feel clarity. I want to start looking for more activities that are fun and bring out my creativity.”

5. Your Phone Has Grayscale, which makes it black and white, thus reducing the stimulus and dopamine you receive from it. You can also turn on app limit timers and turn off notifications.
6. Find an Accountability Buddy (if you can). They don’t have to stop their unwanted addictions, but they're willing to celebrate when you succeed and support you if you fall short. Also consider talking to your smoking or drinking buddies about your new commitment to your health.
7. If You Relapse, It’s Okay. Don’t judge yourself (i.e. "Why am I so weak, stupid, etc.?”). Self-judgment is self-sabotage, because it ironically fuels the very behavior you want to stop. You didn’t lose progress, because recovery isn’t a perfect straight line. It’s a process. And regardless, you’re now one step closer to your goal (with more clarity of what you don’t want, and increased desire for what you do want).
8. Self-Reflection Questions:

• "What am I afraid would happen if I stopped doing an unwanted addiction?"
• "What are the advantages of the substance or activity? How does it support me?"
• "What am I afraid would happen if I accepted myself just the way I am?"
• "What am I afraid would happen if I only focused on what I appreciated about myself?"

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Honorable Mention Addictions

1. Acceptance, Caring What People Think, and Needing to Be Understood
Wanting acceptance is fine. But needing it, is not knowing your value. So you’re desperate to find ways to get people to love and understand you (i.e. people pleaser, perfectionist, workaholic, clingy, gym selfies, etc.). This also inspires arguing, needing to be right and anger addictions, because you need to feel heard and validated (instead of understanding that some people can’t or aren’t interested in understanding).
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2. Avoiding Boredom — Social Media Consumption
Consuming vs Creating. Negative addictions can have an imbalance leaning towards consuming people’s creations, vs expressing your own. When was the last time you laid in bed at night, or waited in line at the store, and didn’t pull out your phone to distract you? Instead of simply appreciating the moment and your surroundings.
“Something distracting me is better than nothing.” But then you don’t have standards of quality; you simply have an insatiable appetite of consuming more. And if you’re not intentionally consuming media; it will consume you. It’s passive consumption; each post is a potato chip. When you don’t have a specific intention before opening an app, then you’ll most likely spend your next hour on empty emotional calories and walk away feeling worse. Excessive consuming leads to fuming and glooming.
Negative addictions can start out innocently. But like a frog in a boiling pot… you don’t notice that you increasingly rely on them for self-medicating negative emotions until you feel it’s consumed you.
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3. Anger and Drama
When you feel bored, there’s no momentum in that. You feel lifeless; like a plank of wood floating on still water. And you would rather feel fun and excitement (i.e. positive momentum). But, if you don’t know how to generate those feelings, then you’ll settle for the next easiest emotion that has momentum, which is anger. (But anger is negative momentum; when not intentionally controlled.)
Drama feels interesting compared to boredom, until it gradually wears on you (and your relationships). So you try to give that anger addiction up. But if you don’t know how to create positive momentum, then when you get bored, you’ll reach for anger again to get your fix to feel that energy flow.
As you judge yourself, you will feel sad, and then naturally inspired to feel angry, because anger has more momentum and energy than sadness; thus it feels more empowering. But if you don’t intentionally choose anger for relief (in a safe space, by yourself; don’t express it to others), then as you continue judging people and circumstances, you will eventually feel sad again, and feel stuck in a cycle of sad → angry → sad → angry.
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4. Victim Mentality, Dismissive and Needing to Be Right
If you haven’t healed your inner child and trauma, you can get addicted to always feeling like a victim. You would rather be right, than happy. So you can believe you’re always right, and everyone else is wrong. You can get addicted to being dismissive of people’s perspectives (as a reflection of how you felt you were treated growing up). One advantage of continuing to feel like a victim is, you don’t have to change; everyone else has to change, because they’re the problem (i.e. you believe your negative emotions come from them). Your trauma isn’t your fault. And, healing is possible, when you feel comfortable and open to the opportunity.
.
5. Procrastinating, Isolation and Abandonment
Isolation amplified after the year 2020 (gee, I wonder why…). The main appeal is having no expectations, pressure to perform, or be responsible to others. The issue is, people are simply a mirror that reflects the relationship you have with yourself. So avoiding people doesn’t get rid of your limiting beliefs; you just become less aware of them.
Also, it can be easy to get stuck in the cycle of, "I hate myself, so I don't socialize. Which makes me feel lonely. So I hate myself even more..."
Procrastinating and abandonment can cause other addictions. For ex: You’re doomscrolling until 2 am because you’re avoiding the routine to go to bed, and/ or trying to run away from feeling bored, lonely and worthless.
.
6. Productivity, Maximizing and Efficiency
People thought the creation of computers would help people work less because it would do a lot of the work. Only to fast forward and realize it just raised society’s standards of the work they expected from you, causing you to ironically work more; not less. And with the emergence of A.I., hopefully we don’t repeat the same mistake.
People naturally want what’s best for them. But, if you were raised to constantly need to improve and do more, then any activity you do, can be turned into two to three activities. Maximizing your time doing one activity, while learning another (e.g. second screen viewing — which can be beneficial, but detrimental when you feel you have to do it and/or avoiding boredom). With the abundance and ease of access to learning, addiction to productivity causes you to demonize downtime: “Why just go for a walk? Why just lay in bed? I should be making money or learning something useful.”
Productivity addiction can justify doing less hobbies you enjoy, because they’re not making money. This can ironically make you less productive. You’re burned out, but you feel lazy because you don’t want to work all of the time; but can’t justify fun… so you do nothing as a compromise. This reduces the quality of your life, which then fuels other negative addictions to fill the void. And, if you don’t take a break from working, then your body will do it for you.
.
7. Comparing Yourself to Others and Should
When you compare yourself, you should all over yourself. “I should do this and be different,” or, “I shouldn’t have done that.” Shoulds leave you either feeling shame or resentment. If you force yourself to do what you think you should, then you sacrifice yourself, and so you feel resentment. But if you don’t do it, then you feel guilty, shame and regret. You can’t win.
.
8. Limerence, One-Sided and Parasocial Relationships
You’re addicted to people who don’t care about you. You keep holding on to people whose behavior makes it clear they’re not interested in a mutually satisfying relationship (romantic or friendship). This can be celebrities, K-Pop idols, streamers, influences and/or a situationship you’ve put your life on hold for years waiting and hoping for it to become something more.
.

You Didn’t Waste Your Life — There’s Still Hope

Robert Downey Jr.'s life was a disaster for years (alcohol and drug addiction, arrested, etc.) before he decided to turn it around (and iconically become Iron Man). His pain and experiences were fuel to become the actor and inspirational person that he is today. His quotes:

• “Remember that just because you hit the bottom doesn't mean you have to stay there.”
• “It’s easy to embrace hopelessness when things seem insurmountable. And yet, it’s actually just a matter of time until all of the elements come together for things to be alright. I mean, I believe that most difficult situations will resolve themselves if you are persistent and if you don’t give up entirely. And that’s what I never did; I never gave up.”

Although it may not seem like it right now, everything you have lived can be used to make you stronger, wiser, healthier and happier. Your potential has increased at least tenfold because of your “wasted” experiences. Think of it like you’re a rubber band on a slingshot; and the further back you stretched into the darkness, as you let go of limiting beliefs, you propel yourself forward that much farther into the light.
I can’t wait for you to begin seeing what you’re truly capable of in the months and years to come. When you finally stop beating up on yourself for the very past that will propel you into becoming the more compassionate, understanding, supportive, appreciative, creative, productive and fulfilled person that you want to be.
~ BFree
.
Share your thoughts: What’s one step you’re going to do to let go of negative addictions and start allowing more empowering positive addictions?
.
Previous Posts:
1. You Didn't Waste Your Life — You Can Always Make a Comeback
2. Healing Heartbreak — How to Move On from Breakups
3. How to Get Motivated & Disciplined — Why Forcing Yourself to “Just Do It” Ironically Doesn’t Work
.

[Note: We’re focusing on emotional reasons; not physical. And this is just one perspective. Please consult your doctor for healing, withdrawals, etc.]
TL;DR: Addictions are coping mechanisms for an unfulfilled, disconnected life. You're craving intimacy and connection. And, you’re addicted because you judge yourself (and others).
Replace “addiction” with “momentum.” You hire an addiction to do one of two jobs:

• Slow Down Negative Momentum (i.e. depressant; takes away pain, calming and relief from stress).
• Speed Up Positive Momentum (i.e. stimulant; gives pleasure, fun, energy and motivation).

Addiction to productivity causes you to demonize downtime: “Why just lay in bed? I should be making money or learning something.” This can ironically make you less productive. You’re burned out, but you feel lazy because you don’t want to work all of the time; but can’t justify fun… so you do nothing as a compromise. This reduces the quality of your life, which then fuels other negative addictions to fill the void.
Addictions are used to regulate your emotions. But, when you artificially modify momentum, that keeps you stuck. So you’re learning how to shift from negative addictions (e.g. phone, social media, vaping, etc.) to positive addictions (e.g. meditate, exercise, dancing, drawing, etc.).
_____
Before we begin, this is important: I’m not here trying to fix you. Because I don’t think you’re broken. I believe in you. You are strong, worthy and powerful enough to transform this. You may not know how to yet, but we’ll work together in understanding what’s at the heart of the issue, to support you in allowing the life you want and deserve.
Secondary Addictions: Phone, social media, food, sugar, caffeine, alcohol, video games, relationships, attention, validation, anger, sex, porn, weed, smoking, gambling, shopping, hoarding, workaholic, perfectionist, procrastinating, etc. All of these are secondary; compensating for an even greater addiction.
Primary Addiction: You’re addicted to judging yourself (and others). Not accepting and appreciating yourself and others is the cause of secondary addictions.
Addictions are coping mechanism for an unfulfilled, disconnected life. Mistreating substances is a reflection of how you treat yourself. And the irony is, part of the source for addiction is… judging yourself for doing it.
Addiction: Consistently using a substance or experience to regulate your emotions (this can be positive or negative).
And to add another layer: Replace “addiction” with “momentum” (or movement or energy flow). There’s momentum towards what you want or don’t want, and we’re discussing shifting momentum from unwanted to wanted; negative addictions to positive. Your natural state is to feel better. But if you don’t know how to do that, then you’ll rely on circumstances and people as fuel for feeling movement. But, when you artificially modify momentum, that keeps you stuck.
.

The Cycle of Addictions

• Unwanted/ Negative Addiction: Judging anything makes you crave relief → So you consume more external/ conditional relief; relying on circumstances and people to feel better → Until you start judging again.
• Wanted/ Positive Addiction: Judging anything makes you crave relief → So you consume more internal/ unconditional relief; relying on your ability to focus to feel better → Accepting and appreciating reduces your desire for judging and negative addictions.

Negative addictions are used to avoid negative emotions. Whereas positive addictions are used to heal and embrace negative emotions.
Negative emotions are positive guidance (although it might not feel that way) letting you know you are focusing on (and judging) what you don't want. Negative emotions are just messengers of the limiting beliefs you're practicing. They're a necessary part of your emotional guidance, like GPS in your car. But the more you avoid or fight them, you keep yourself stuck.
All emotions are equal and worthy. But most people unknowingly create a hierarchy for their emotions (i.e. positive = good; negative = bad). Begin seeing negative emotions as worthy, valuable and supportive friends, and work together as a team to help you feel better.
.

The Purpose of Addictions

Because you’re the CEO of you, you hire an addiction to do one of two jobs:

• Slow Down Negative Momentum (i.e. depressant; takes away pain, calming and relief from stress).
• Speed Up Positive Momentum (i.e. stimulant; gives pleasure, fun, energy, motivation and enhances a good time).

Addictions either make you feel more powerful, or distract you from feeling powerless. Negative addictions give you a false sense of security, which ironically enhances your insecurity. And that keeps you stuck in a cycle of abuse with negative addictions.
Addictions can soften your focus, so you’re distracted and more general with your thoughts (i.e. tune out). And when you focus less on details, then you’re less aware of what you specifically don’t want or have, so you judge less. And with less judgement, you slow down negative momentum, and naturally feel better.
Negative addictions can help you tune out, but they also won’t let you tune in to who you really are. So if you use substances to numb yourself, then you lose your ability to focus. But it’s your power of focusing that will set you free.
Negative addictions are trying to fill a void, with things that aren’t designed to fill it. It’s like trying to fill a cup with a hole in the bottom; so no matter how much you put in, it's still empty. And you use secondary addictions to distract yourself so you don’t feel the emptiness. But the only way to fix the hole is to be reminded of how powerful, worthy and whole you really are. And it’s not a fact that you’re unworthy; it’s just something you’ve been taught by other people, who feel unworthy.
.
Because negative addictions are coping mechanisms, then if you think it’s the cause, then not using it will be the cure. But that doesn’t work as a long-term solution because it doesn’t address the actual issue: judging. So when you stop one unwanted behavior, you’ll probably start something else; i.e. transfer addiction. Or, you can call it transfer relief.
As long as you believe negative addictions help you feel normal, then you're not incentivized to let go because it’s not in your best interest. But when you feel better first, before going to the substance or experience, then you gradually remove its purpose, and thus your desire for it.

• Instead of saying, "I'm addicted," (which is valid). It's more accurate to say, “I’m seeking relief in the best way I know how.”

Negative addictions are just tools, and you used that tool to help you through a difficult time when you didn't know what else to do. You did the best you could, and now you’re ready for a change.

• “Thank you, negative addiction. I appreciate that you supported me. But, I’m taking the company in a new direction, and I will no longer be needing your services.”

Negative addictions have imposter syndrome; and rightfully so — they’re unqualified for the job of giving you sustainable relief. So when you start hiring positive addictions, then you release the control negative addictions once had over the company (i.e. you).
And it doesn’t mean you still don’t enjoy technology, food, etc. You can let them be for fun (based on your personal boundaries), but you are in control. They’re expressions of a fulfilling life; not replacements for it.
.

Positive Addictions — What You’re Really Craving

Addictions indicate you're craving intimacy and connection. With others is nice, but you’re craving connection with yourself. And to stop an unwanted addiction, you want a new healthy habit to take its place. Because without it, there’s a power vacuum. So, what are your new healthier coping mechanisms to connect with yourself? For ex:

• "When I feel sad, I meditate for 2 - 15 minutes."
• "When I feel powerless, I exercise, go for a walk, ride a bike, or connect with nature.”
• "When I feel unloved and rejected, I connect with my body, by putting my hand on my heart, focus on deep breathing and being there for myself."
• "When I feel bored, I practice creative outlets to express myself (e.g. dancing, singing, drawing, gardening, crocheting, cooking, etc.).”

.

Tips to Start Healing

1. Be Aware. Be Mindful. Be Intentional. When using an unwanted addiction, tell yourself,

• “I am consciously using this for relief. I’m not going to judge myself, because I understand why I’m doing it. I feel lonely, bored, sad, stressed, etc. And so, I am intentionally doing this activity to feel better.”

The simple act of bringing awareness to an unwanted habit shines light into the darkness, and you start regaining your power. You’re still doing the unwanted activity, but you’re tuning in, instead of tuning out.
2. Make a Deal with Yourself. When you get tempted to do an unwanted addiction, focus on feeling better first (e.g. meditate or go for a walk for a few minutes). Then, you can still do the unwanted addiction after you feel better. (This isn’t advocating unwanted behavior, but it is being realistic in helping you wean yourself off, and begin the job transfer process from negative to positive addictions.) So it accomplishes three things:

1. You’re not depriving yourself; you’re just slightly delaying gratification, which builds up your strength of not automatically going to the same unwanted habit.
2. You’re replacing the old addiction with a better-feeling one (and notice that you’ll consume less and/ or gradually have less desire to use the substance).
3. You create self-trust and respect by making a practical deal with yourself, and showing that you’re stronger than you think and can follow through; which also gives you hope that you can do this.

3. Reduce Consumption: Adjust Time and/ or Intensity. (E.g. If you’re smoking five days a week; do only four days, or use one less a day than normal).
4. Focus on what you want to start doing, instead of what you want to stop doing. What do you want to feel?

• “I want to start feeling relief. I want to feel supported. I want to start feeling more loved and accepted for who I am. I want to feel more comfortable and ease. I want to feel more at peace myself. I want to start feeling how strong and capable my body is. I want to feel proud of myself. I want to feel clarity. I want to start looking for more activities that are fun and bring out my creativity.”

5. Your Phone Has Grayscale, which makes it black and white, thus reducing the stimulus and dopamine you receive from it. You can also turn on app limit timers and turn off notifications.
6. Find an Accountability Buddy (if you can). They don’t have to stop their unwanted addictions, but they're willing to celebrate when you succeed and support you if you fall short. So consider talking to your friends about your new commitment to your health.
7. If You Relapse, It’s Okay. Don’t judge yourself (i.e. "Why am I so weak, stupid, etc.?”). Self-judgment is self-sabotage, because it ironically fuels the very behavior you want to stop. You didn’t lose progress, because recovery isn’t a perfect straight line. It’s a process. And regardless, you’re now one step closer to your goal (with more clarity of what you don’t want, and increased desire for what you do want).
8. Self-Reflection Questions:

• "What am I afraid would happen if I stopped doing an unwanted addiction?"
• "What are the advantages of the substance or activity? How does it support me?"
• "What am I afraid would happen if I accepted myself just the way I am?"
• "What am I afraid would happen if I only focused on what I appreciated about myself?"

.

Honorable Mention Addictions

1. Acceptance, Caring What People Think, and Needing to Be Understood
Wanting acceptance is fine. But needing it, is not knowing your value. So you’re desperate to find ways to get people to love and understand you (i.e. people pleaser, perfectionist, workaholic, clingy, gym selfies, etc.). This also inspires arguing, needing to be right and anger addictions, because you need to feel heard and validated (instead of understanding that some people can’t or aren’t interested in understanding).
.
2. Avoiding Boredom — Social Media Consumption
Consuming vs Creating. Negative addictions can have an imbalance leaning towards consuming people’s creations, vs expressing your own. When was the last time you laid in bed at night, or waited in line at the store, and didn’t pull out your phone to distract you? Instead of simply appreciating the moment and your surroundings.
“Something distracting me is better than nothing.” But then you don’t have standards of quality; you simply have an insatiable appetite of consuming more. And if you’re not intentionally consuming media; it will consume you. It’s passive consumption; each post is a potato chip. When you don’t have a specific intention before opening an app, then you’ll most likely spend your next hour on empty emotional calories and walk away feeling worse. Excessive consuming leads to fuming and glooming.
Negative addictions can start out innocently. But like a frog in a boiling pot… you don’t notice that you increasingly rely on them for self-medicating negative emotions until you feel it’s consumed you.
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3. Anger and Drama
When you feel bored, there’s no momentum in that. You feel lifeless; like a plank of wood floating on still water. And you would rather feel fun and excitement (i.e. positive momentum). But, if you don’t know how to generate those feelings, then you’ll settle for the next easiest emotion that has momentum, which is anger. (But anger is negative momentum; when not intentionally controlled.)
Drama feels interesting compared to boredom, until it gradually wears on you (and your relationships). So you try to give that anger addiction up. But if you don’t know how to create positive momentum, then when you get bored, you’ll reach for anger again to get your fix to feel that energy flow.
As you judge yourself, you will feel sad, and then naturally inspired to feel angry, because anger has more momentum and energy than sadness; thus it feels more empowering. But if you don’t intentionally choose anger for relief (in a safe space, by yourself; don’t express it to others), then as you continue judging people and circumstances, you will eventually feel sad again, and feel stuck in a cycle of sad → angry → sad → angry.
.
4. Victim Mentality, Dismissive and Needing to Be Right
If you haven’t healed your inner child and trauma, you can get addicted to always feeling like a victim. You would rather be right, than happy. So you can believe you’re always right, and everyone else is wrong. You can get addicted to being dismissive of people’s perspectives (as a reflection of how you felt you were treated growing up). One advantage of continuing to feel like a victim is, you don’t have to change; everyone else has to change, because they’re the problem (i.e. you believe your negative emotions come from them). Your trauma isn’t your fault. And, healing is possible, when you feel comfortable and open to the opportunity.
.
5. Procrastinating, Isolation and Abandonment
Isolation amplified after the year 2020 (gee, I wonder why…). The main appeal is having no expectations, pressure to perform, or be responsible to others. The issue is, people are simply a mirror that reflects the relationship you have with yourself. So avoiding people doesn’t get rid of your limiting beliefs; you just become less aware of them.
Also, it can be easy to get stuck in the cycle of, "I hate myself, so I don't socialize. Which makes me feel lonely. So I hate myself even more..."
Procrastinating and abandonment can cause other addictions. For ex: You’re doomscrolling until 2 am because you’re avoiding the routine to go to bed, and/ or trying to run away from feeling bored, lonely and worthless.
.
6. Productivity, Maximizing and Efficiency
People thought the creation of computers would help people work less because it would do a lot of the work. Only to fast forward and realize it just raised society’s standards of the work they expected from you, causing you to ironically work more; not less. And with the emergence of A.I., hopefully we don’t repeat the same mistake.
People naturally want what’s best for them. But, if you were raised to constantly need to improve and do more, then any activity you do, can be turned into two to three activities. Maximizing your time doing one activity, while learning another (e.g. second screen viewing — which can be beneficial, but detrimental when you feel you have to do it and/or avoiding boredom). With the abundance and ease of access to learning, addiction to productivity causes you to demonize downtime: “Why just go for a walk? Why just lay in bed? I should be making money or learning something useful.”
Productivity addiction can justify doing less hobbies you enjoy, because they’re not making money. This can ironically make you less productive. You’re burned out, but you feel lazy because you don’t want to work all of the time; but can’t justify fun… so you do nothing as a compromise. This reduces the quality of your life, which then fuels other negative addictions to fill the void. And, if you don’t take a break from working, then your body will do it for you.
.
7. Comparing Yourself to Others and Should
When you compare yourself, you should all over yourself. “I should do this and be different,” or, “I shouldn’t have done that.” Shoulds leave you either feeling shame or resentment. If you force yourself to do what you think you should, then you sacrifice yourself, and so you feel resentment. But if you don’t do it, then you feel guilty, shame and regret. You can’t win.
.
8. Limerence, One-Sided and Parasocial Relationships
You’re addicted to people who don’t care about you. You keep holding on to people whose behavior makes it clear they’re not interested in a mutually satisfying relationship (romantic or friendship). This can be celebrities, K-Pop idols, streamers, influences and/or a situationship you’ve put your life on hold for years waiting and hoping for it to become something more.
.

You Didn’t Waste Your Life — There’s Still Hope

Robert Downey Jr.'s life was a disaster for years (alcohol and drug addiction, arrested, etc.) before he decided to turn it around (and iconically become Iron Man). His pain and experiences were fuel to become the actor and inspirational person that he is today. His quotes:

• “Remember that just because you hit the bottom doesn't mean you have to stay there.”
• “It’s easy to embrace hopelessness when things seem insurmountable. And yet, it’s actually just a matter of time until all of the elements come together for things to be alright. I mean, I believe that most difficult situations will resolve themselves if you are persistent and if you don’t give up entirely. And that’s what I never did; I never gave up.”

Although it may not seem like it right now, everything you have lived can be used to make you stronger, wiser, healthier and happier. Your potential has increased at least tenfold because of your “wasted” experiences. Think of it like you’re a rubber band on a slingshot; and the further back you stretched into the darkness, as you let go of limiting beliefs, you propel yourself forward that much farther into the light.
I can’t wait for you to begin seeing what you’re truly capable of in the months and years to come. When you finally stop beating up on yourself for the very past that will propel you into becoming the more compassionate, understanding, supportive, appreciative, creative, productive and fulfilled person that you want to be.
~ BFree
.
Share your thoughts: What’s one step you’re going to do to let go of negative addictions and start allowing more empowering positive addictions?
.

[Note: We’re focusing on emotional reasons; not physical. And this is just one perspective. Please consult your doctor for healing, withdrawals, etc.]
TL;DR: Addictions are coping mechanisms for an unfulfilled, disconnected life. You're craving intimacy and connection. And, you’re addicted because you judge yourself (and others).
Replace “addiction” with “momentum.” You hire an addiction to do one of two jobs:

• Slow Down Negative Momentum (i.e. depressant; takes away pain, calming and relief from stress).
• Speed Up Positive Momentum (i.e. stimulant; gives pleasure, fun, energy and motivation).

Addictions are used to regulate your emotions. But, when you artificially modify momentum, that keeps you stuck. So you’re learning how to shift from negative addictions (e.g. social media, junk food, vaping, etc.) to positive addictions (e.g. meditate, exercise, dancing, drawing, etc.).
_____
Before we begin, this is important: I’m not here trying to fix you. Because I don’t think you’re broken. I believe in you. You are strong, worthy and powerful enough to transform this. You may not know how to yet, but we’ll work together in understanding what’s at the heart of the issue, to support you in allowing the life you want and deserve.
Secondary Addictions: Phone, social media, food, sugar, caffeine, alcohol, video games, relationships, attention, validation, anger, sex, porn, weed, smoking, gambling, shopping, hoarding, workaholic, perfectionist, procrastinating, etc. All of these are secondary; compensating for an even greater addiction.
Primary Addiction: You’re addicted to judging yourself (and others). Not accepting and appreciating yourself and others is the cause of secondary addictions.
Addictions are coping mechanism for an unfulfilled, disconnected life. Mistreating substances is a reflection of how you treat yourself. And the irony is, part of the source for addiction is… judging yourself for doing it.
Addiction: Consistently using a substance or experience to regulate your emotions (this can be positive or negative).
And to add another layer: Replace “addiction” with “momentum” (or movement or energy flow). There’s momentum towards what you want or don’t want, and we’re discussing shifting momentum from unwanted to wanted; negative addictions to positive. Your natural state is to feel better. But if you don’t know how to do that, then you’ll rely on circumstances and people as fuel for feeling movement. But, when you artificially modify momentum, that keeps you stuck.
.

The Cycle of Addictions

• Unwanted/ Negative Addiction: Judging anything makes you crave relief → So you consume more external/ conditional relief; relying on circumstances and people to feel better → Until you start judging again.
• Wanted/ Positive Addiction: Judging anything makes you crave relief → So you consume more internal/ unconditional relief; relying on your ability to focus to feel better → Accepting and appreciating reduces your desire for judging and negative addictions.

Negative addictions are used to avoid negative emotions. Whereas positive addictions are used to heal and embrace negative emotions.
Negative emotions are positive guidance (although it might not feel that way) letting you know you are focusing on (and judging) what you don't want. Negative emotions are just messengers of the limiting beliefs you're practicing. They're a necessary part of your emotional guidance, like GPS in your car. But the more you avoid or fight them, you keep yourself stuck.
All emotions are equal and worthy. But most people unknowingly create a hierarchy for their emotions (i.e. positive = good; negative = bad). Begin seeing negative emotions as worthy, valuable and supportive friends, and work together as a team to help you feel better.
.

The Purpose of Addictions

Because you’re the CEO of you, you hire an addiction to do one of two jobs:

• Slow Down Negative Momentum (i.e. depressant; takes away pain, calming and relief from stress).
• Speed Up Positive Momentum (i.e. stimulant; gives pleasure, fun, energy, motivation and enhances a good time).

Addictions either make you feel more powerful, or distract you from feeling powerless. Negative addictions give you a false sense of security, which ironically enhances your insecurity. And that keeps you stuck in a cycle of abuse with negative addictions.
Addictions can soften your focus, so you’re distracted and more general with your thoughts (i.e. tune out). And when you focus less on details, then you’re less aware of what you specifically don’t want or have, so you judge less. And with less judgement, you slow down negative momentum, and naturally feel better.
Negative addictions can help you tune out, but they also won’t let you tune in to who you really are. So if you use substances to numb yourself, then you lose your ability to focus. But it’s your power of focusing that will set you free.
Negative addictions are trying to fill a void, with things that aren’t designed to fill it. It’s like trying to fill a cup with a hole in the bottom; so no matter how much you put in, it's still empty. And you use secondary addictions to distract yourself so you don’t feel the emptiness. But the only way to fix the hole is to be reminded of how powerful, worthy and whole you really are. And it’s not a fact that you’re unworthy; it’s just something you’ve been taught by other people, who feel unworthy.
.
Because negative addictions are coping mechanisms, then if you think it’s the cause, then not using it will be the cure. But that doesn’t work as a long-term solution because it doesn’t address the actual issue: judging. So when you stop one unwanted behavior, you’ll probably start something else; i.e. transfer addiction. Or, you can call it transfer relief.
As long as you believe negative addictions help you feel normal, then you're not incentivized to let go because it’s not in your best interest. But when you feel better first, before going to the substance or experience, then you gradually remove its purpose, and thus your desire for it.

• Instead of saying, "I'm addicted," (which is valid). It's more accurate to say, “I’m seeking relief in the best way I know how.”

Negative addictions are just tools, and you used that tool to help you through a difficult time when you didn't know what else to do. You did the best you could, and now you’re ready for a change.

• “Thank you, negative addiction. I appreciate that you supported me. But, I’m taking the company in a new direction, and I will no longer be needing your services.”

Negative addictions have imposter syndrome; and rightfully so — they’re unqualified for the job of giving you sustainable relief. So when you start hiring positive addictions, then you release the control negative addictions once had over the company (i.e. you).
And it doesn’t mean you still don’t enjoy technology, food, etc. You can let them be for fun (based on your personal boundaries), but you are in control. They’re expressions of a fulfilling life; not replacements for it.
.

Positive Addictions — What You’re Really Craving

Addictions indicate you're craving intimacy and connection. With others is nice, but you’re craving connection with yourself. And to stop an unwanted addiction, you want a new healthy habit to take its place. Because without it, there’s a power vacuum. So, what are your new healthier coping mechanisms to connect with yourself? For ex:

• "When I feel sad, I meditate for 2 - 15 minutes."
• "When I feel powerless, I exercise, go for a walk, ride a bike, or connect with nature.”
• "When I feel unloved and rejected, I connect with my body, by putting my hand on my heart, focus on deep breathing and being there for myself."
• "When I feel bored, I practice creative outlets to express myself (e.g. dancing, singing, drawing, gardening, crocheting, cooking, etc.).”

.

Tips to Start Healing

1. Be Aware. Be Mindful. Be Intentional. When using an unwanted addiction, tell yourself,

• “I am consciously using this for relief. I’m not going to judge myself, because I understand why I’m doing it. I feel lonely, bored, sad, stressed, etc. And so, I am intentionally doing this activity to feel better.”

The simple act of bringing awareness to an unwanted habit shines light into the darkness, and you start regaining your power. You’re still doing the unwanted activity, but you’re tuning in, instead of tuning out.
2. Make a Deal with Yourself. When you get tempted to do an unwanted addiction, focus on feeling better first (e.g. meditate or go for a walk for a few minutes). Then, you can still do the unwanted addiction after you feel better. (This isn’t advocating unwanted behavior, but it is being realistic in helping you wean yourself off, and begin the job transfer process from negative to positive addictions.) So it accomplishes three things:

1. You’re not depriving yourself; you’re just slightly delaying gratification, which builds up your strength of not automatically going to the same unwanted habit.
2. You’re replacing the old addiction with a better-feeling one (and notice that you’ll consume less and/ or gradually have less desire to use the substance).
3. You create self-trust and respect by making a practical deal with yourself, and showing that you’re stronger than you think and can follow through; which also gives you hope that you can do this.

3. Reduce Consumption: Adjust Time and/ or Intensity. (E.g. If you’re smoking five days a week; do only four days, or use one less a day than normal).
4. Focus on what you want to start doing, instead of what you want to stop doing. What do you want to feel?

• “I want to start feeling relief. I want to feel supported. I want to start feeling more loved and accepted for who I am. I want to feel more comfortable and ease. I want to feel more at peace myself. I want to start feeling how strong and capable my body is. I want to feel proud of myself. I want to feel clarity. I want to start looking for more activities that are fun and bring out my creativity.”

5. Your Phone Has Grayscale, which makes it black and white, thus reducing the stimulus and dopamine you receive from it. You can also turn on app limit timers and turn off notifications.
6. Find an Accountability Buddy (if you can). They don’t have to stop their unwanted addictions, but they're willing to celebrate when you succeed and support you if you fall short. Also consider talking to your smoking or drinking buddies about your new commitment to your health.
7. If You Relapse, It’s Okay. Don’t judge yourself (i.e. "Why am I so weak, stupid, etc.?”). Self-judgment is self-sabotage, because it ironically fuels the very behavior you want to stop. You didn’t lose progress, because recovery isn’t a perfect straight line. It’s a process. And regardless, you’re now one step closer to your goal (with more clarity of what you don’t want, and increased desire for what you do want).
8. Self-Reflection Questions:

• "What am I afraid would happen if I stopped doing an unwanted addiction?"
• "What are the advantages of the substance or activity? How does it support me?"
• "What am I afraid would happen if I accepted myself just the way I am?"
• "What am I afraid would happen if I only focused on what I appreciated about myself?"

.

Honorable Mention Addictions

1. Acceptance, Caring What People Think, and Needing to Be Understood
Wanting acceptance is fine. But needing it, is not knowing your value. So you’re desperate to find ways to get people to love and understand you (i.e. people pleaser, perfectionist, workaholic, clingy, gym selfies, etc.). This also inspires arguing, needing to be right and anger addictions, because you need to feel heard and validated (instead of understanding that some people can’t or aren’t interested in understanding).
.
2. Avoiding Boredom — Social Media Consumption
Consuming vs Creating. Negative addictions can have an imbalance leaning towards consuming people’s creations, vs expressing your own. When was the last time you laid in bed at night, or waited in line at the store, and didn’t pull out your phone to distract you? Instead of simply appreciating the moment and your surroundings.
“Something distracting me is better than nothing.” But then you don’t have standards of quality; you simply have an insatiable appetite of consuming more. And if you’re not intentionally consuming media; it will consume you. It’s passive consumption; each post is a potato chip. When you don’t have a specific intention before opening an app, then you’ll most likely spend your next hour on empty emotional calories and walk away feeling worse. Excessive consuming leads to fuming and glooming.
Negative addictions can start out innocently. But like a frog in a boiling pot… you don’t notice that you increasingly rely on them for self-medicating negative emotions until you feel it’s consumed you.
.
3. Anger and Drama
When you feel bored, there’s no momentum in that. You feel lifeless; like a plank of wood floating on still water. And you would rather feel fun and excitement (i.e. positive momentum). But, if you don’t know how to generate those feelings, then you’ll settle for the next easiest emotion that has momentum, which is anger. (But anger is negative momentum; when not intentionally controlled.)
Drama feels interesting compared to boredom, until it gradually wears on you (and your relationships). So you try to give that anger addiction up. But if you don’t know how to create positive momentum, then when you get bored, you’ll reach for anger again to get your fix to feel that energy flow.
As you judge yourself, you will feel sad, and then naturally inspired to feel angry, because anger has more momentum and energy than sadness; thus it feels more empowering. But if you don’t intentionally choose anger for relief (in a safe space, by yourself; don’t express it to others), then as you continue judging people and circumstances, you will eventually feel sad again, and feel stuck in a cycle of sad → angry → sad → angry.
.
4. Victim Mentality, Dismissive and Needing to Be Right
If you haven’t healed your inner child and trauma, you can get addicted to always feeling like a victim. You would rather be right, than happy. So you can believe you’re always right, and everyone else is wrong. You can get addicted to being dismissive of people’s perspectives (as a reflection of how you felt you were treated growing up). One advantage of continuing to feel like a victim is, you don’t have to change; everyone else has to change, because they’re the problem (i.e. you believe your negative emotions come from them). Your trauma isn’t your fault. And, healing is possible, when you feel comfortable and open to the opportunity.
.
5. Procrastinating, Isolation and Abandonment
Isolation amplified after the year 2020 (gee, I wonder why…). The main appeal is having no expectations, pressure to perform, or be responsible to others. The issue is, people are simply a mirror that reflects the relationship you have with yourself. So avoiding people doesn’t get rid of your limiting beliefs; you just become less aware of them.
Also, it can be easy to get stuck in the cycle of, "I hate myself, so I don't socialize. Which makes me feel lonely. So I hate myself even more..."
Procrastinating and abandonment can cause other addictions. For ex: You’re doomscrolling until 2 am because you’re avoiding the routine to go to bed, and/ or trying to run away from feeling bored, lonely and worthless.
.
6. Productivity, Maximizing and Efficiency
People thought the creation of computers would help people work less because it would do a lot of the work. Only to fast forward and realize it just raised society’s standards of the work they expected from you, causing you to ironically work more; not less. And with the emergence of A.I., hopefully we don’t repeat the same mistake.
People naturally want what’s best for them. But, if you were raised to constantly need to improve and do more, then any activity you do, can be turned into two to three activities. Maximizing your time doing one activity, while learning another (e.g. second screen viewing — which can be beneficial, but detrimental when you feel you have to do it and/or avoiding boredom). With the abundance and ease of access to learning, addiction to productivity causes you to demonize downtime: “Why just go for a walk? Why just lay in bed? I should be making money or learning something useful.”
Productivity addiction can justify doing less hobbies you enjoy, because they’re not making money. This can ironically make you less productive. You’re burned out, but you feel lazy because you don’t want to work all of the time; but can’t justify fun… so you do nothing as a compromise. This reduces the quality of your life, which then fuels other negative addictions to fill the void. And, if you don’t take a break from working, then your body will do it for you.
.
7. Comparing Yourself to Others and Should
When you compare yourself, you should all over yourself. “I should do this and be different,” or, “I shouldn’t have done that.” Shoulds leave you either feeling shame or resentment. If you force yourself to do what you think you should, then you sacrifice yourself, and so you feel resentment. But if you don’t do it, then you feel guilty, shame and regret. You can’t win.
.
8. Limerence, One-Sided and Parasocial Relationships
You’re addicted to people who don’t care about you. You keep holding on to people whose behavior makes it clear they’re not interested in a mutually satisfying relationship (romantic or friendship). This can be celebrities, K-Pop idols, streamers, influences and/or a situationship you’ve put your life on hold for years waiting and hoping for it to become something more.
.

You Didn’t Waste Your Life — There’s Still Hope

Robert Downey Jr.'s life was a disaster for years (alcohol and drug addiction, arrested, etc.) before he decided to turn it around (and iconically become Iron Man). His pain and experiences were fuel to become the actor and inspirational person that he is today. His quotes:

• “Remember that just because you hit the bottom doesn't mean you have to stay there.”
• “It’s easy to embrace hopelessness when things seem insurmountable. And yet, it’s actually just a matter of time until all of the elements come together for things to be alright. I mean, I believe that most difficult situations will resolve themselves if you are persistent and if you don’t give up entirely. And that’s what I never did; I never gave up.”

Although it may not seem like it right now, everything you have lived can be used to make you stronger, wiser, healthier and happier. Your potential has increased at least tenfold because of your “wasted” experiences. Think of it like you’re a rubber band on a slingshot; and the further back you stretched into the darkness, as you let go of limiting beliefs, you propel yourself forward that much farther into the light.
I can’t wait for you to begin seeing what you’re truly capable of in the months and years to come. When you finally stop beating up on yourself for the very past that will propel you into becoming the more compassionate, understanding, supportive, appreciative, creative, productive and fulfilled person that you want to be.
~ BFree
.
Share your thoughts: What’s one step you’re going to do to let go of negative addictions and start allowing more empowering positive addictions?
.

[Note: We’re focusing on emotional reasons; not physical. And this is just one perspective. Please consult your doctor for healing, withdrawals, etc.]
TL;DR: Addictions are coping mechanisms for an unfulfilled, disconnected life. You're craving intimacy and connection. And, you’re addicted because you judge yourself (and others).
Replace “addiction” with “momentum.” You hire an addiction to do one of two jobs:

• Slow Down Negative Momentum (i.e. depressant; takes away pain, calming and relief from stress).
• Speed Up Positive Momentum (i.e. stimulant; gives pleasure, fun, energy and motivation).

Addictions are used to regulate your emotions. But, when you artificially modify momentum, that keeps you stuck. So you’re learning how to shift from negative addictions (e.g. social media, junk food, vaping, etc.) to positive addictions (e.g. meditate, exercise, dancing, drawing, etc.).
_____
Before we begin, this is important: I’m not here trying to fix you. Because I don’t think you’re broken. I believe in you. You are strong, worthy and powerful enough to transform this. You may not know how to yet, but we’ll work together in understanding what’s at the heart of the issue, to support you in allowing the life you want and deserve.
Secondary Addictions: Phone, social media, food, sugar, caffeine, alcohol, video games, relationships, attention, validation, anger, sex, porn, weed, smoking, gambling, shopping, hoarding, workaholic, perfectionist, procrastinating, etc. All of these are secondary; compensating for an even greater addiction.
Primary Addiction: You’re addicted to judging yourself (and others). Not accepting and appreciating yourself and others is the cause of secondary addictions.
Addictions are coping mechanism for an unfulfilled, disconnected life. Mistreating substances is a reflection of how you treat yourself. And the irony is, part of the source for addiction is… judging yourself for doing it.
Addiction: Consistently using a substance or experience to regulate your emotions (this can be positive or negative).
And to add another layer: Replace “addiction” with “momentum” (or movement or energy flow). There’s momentum towards what you want or don’t want, and we’re discussing shifting momentum from unwanted to wanted; negative addictions to positive. Your natural state is to feel better. But if you don’t know how to do that, then you’ll rely on circumstances and people as fuel for feeling movement. But, when you artificially modify momentum, that keeps you stuck.
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The Cycle of Addictions

• Unwanted/ Negative Addiction: Judging anything makes you crave relief → So you consume more external/ conditional relief; relying on circumstances and people to feel better → Until you start judging again.
• Wanted/ Positive Addiction: Judging anything makes you crave relief → So you consume more internal/ unconditional relief; relying on your ability to focus to feel better → Accepting and appreciating reduces your desire for judging and negative addictions.

Negative addictions are used to avoid negative emotions. Whereas positive addictions are used to heal and embrace negative emotions.
Negative emotions are positive guidance (although it might not feel that way) letting you know you are focusing on (and judging) what you don't want. Negative emotions are just messengers of the limiting beliefs you're practicing. They're a necessary part of your emotional guidance, like GPS in your car. But the more you avoid or fight them, you keep yourself stuck.
All emotions are equal and worthy. But most people unknowingly create a hierarchy for their emotions (i.e. positive = good; negative = bad). Begin seeing negative emotions as worthy, valuable and supportive friends, and work together as a team to help you feel better.
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The Purpose of Addictions

Because you’re the CEO of you, you hire an addiction to do one of two jobs:

• Slow Down Negative Momentum (i.e. depressant; takes away pain, calming and relief from stress).
• Speed Up Positive Momentum (i.e. stimulant; gives pleasure, fun, energy, motivation and enhances a good time).

Addictions either make you feel more powerful, or distract you from feeling powerless. Negative addictions give you a false sense of security, which ironically enhances your insecurity. And that keeps you stuck in a cycle of abuse with negative addictions.
Addictions can soften your focus, so you’re distracted and more general with your thoughts (i.e. tune out). And when you focus less on details, then you’re less aware of what you specifically don’t want or have, so you judge less. And with less judgement, you slow down negative momentum, and naturally feel better.
Negative addictions can help you tune out, but they also won’t let you tune in to who you really are. So if you use substances to numb yourself, then you lose your ability to focus. But it’s your power of focusing that will set you free.
Negative addictions are trying to fill a void, with things that aren’t designed to fill it. It’s like trying to fill a cup with a hole in the bottom; so no matter how much you put in, it's still empty. And you use secondary addictions to distract yourself so you don’t feel the emptiness. But the only way to fix the hole is to be reminded of how powerful, worthy and whole you really are. And it’s not a fact that you’re unworthy; it’s just something you’ve been taught by other people, who feel unworthy.
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Because negative addictions are coping mechanisms, then if you think it’s the cause, then not using it will be the cure. But that doesn’t work as a long-term solution because it doesn’t address the actual issue: judging. So when you stop one unwanted behavior, you’ll probably start something else; i.e. transfer addiction. Or, you can call it transfer relief.
As long as you believe negative addictions help you feel normal, then you're not incentivized to let go because it’s not in your best interest. But when you feel better first, before going to the substance or experience, then you gradually remove its purpose, and thus your desire for it.

• Instead of saying, "I'm addicted," (which is valid). It's more accurate to say, “I’m seeking relief in the best way I know how.”

Negative addictions are just tools, and you used that tool to help you through a difficult time when you didn't know what else to do. You did the best you could, and now you’re ready for a change.

• “Thank you, negative addiction. I appreciate that you supported me. But, I’m taking the company in a new direction, and I will no longer be needing your services.”

Negative addictions have imposter syndrome; and rightfully so — they’re unqualified for the job of giving you sustainable relief. So when you start hiring positive addictions, then you release the control negative addictions once had over the company (i.e. you).
And it doesn’t mean you still don’t enjoy technology, food, etc. You can let them be for fun (based on your personal boundaries), but you are in control. They’re expressions of a fulfilling life; not replacements for it.
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Positive Addictions — What You’re Really Craving

Addictions indicate you're craving intimacy and connection. With others is nice, but you’re craving connection with yourself. And to stop an unwanted addiction, you want a new healthy habit to take its place. Because without it, there’s a power vacuum. So, what are your new healthier coping mechanisms to connect with yourself? For ex:

• "When I feel sad, I meditate for 2 - 15 minutes."
• "When I feel powerless, I exercise, go for a walk, ride a bike, or connect with nature.”
• "When I feel unloved and rejected, I connect with my body, by putting my hand on my heart, focus on deep breathing and being there for myself."
• "When I feel bored, I practice creative outlets to express myself (e.g. dancing, singing, drawing, gardening, crocheting, cooking, etc.).”

.

Tips to Start Healing

1. Be Aware. Be Mindful. Be Intentional. When using an unwanted addiction, tell yourself,

• “I am consciously using this for relief. I’m not going to judge myself, because I understand why I’m doing it. I feel lonely, bored, sad, stressed, etc. And so, I am intentionally doing this activity to feel better.”

The simple act of bringing awareness to an unwanted habit shines light into the darkness, and you start regaining your power. You’re still doing the unwanted activity, but you’re tuning in, instead of tuning out.
2. Make a Deal with Yourself. When you get tempted to do an unwanted addiction, focus on feeling better first (e.g. meditate or go for a walk for a few minutes). Then, you can still do the unwanted addiction after you feel better. (This isn’t advocating unwanted behavior, but it is being realistic in helping you wean yourself off, and begin the job transfer process from negative to positive addictions.) So it accomplishes three things:

1. You’re not depriving yourself; you’re just slightly delaying gratification, which builds up your strength of not automatically going to the same unwanted habit.
2. You’re replacing the old addiction with a better-feeling one (and notice that you’ll consume less and/ or gradually have less desire to use the substance).
3. You create self-trust and respect by making a practical deal with yourself, and showing that you’re stronger than you think and can follow through; which also gives you hope that you can do this.

3. Reduce Consumption: Adjust Time and/ or Intensity. (E.g. If you’re smoking five days a week; do only four days, or use one less a day than normal).
4. Focus on what you want to start doing, instead of what you want to stop doing. What do you want to feel?

• “I want to start feeling relief. I want to feel supported. I want to start feeling more loved and accepted for who I am. I want to feel more comfortable and ease. I want to feel more at peace myself. I want to start feeling how strong and capable my body is. I want to feel proud of myself. I want to feel clarity. I want to start looking for more activities that are fun and bring out my creativity.”

5. Your Phone Has Grayscale, which makes it black and white, thus reducing the stimulus and dopamine you receive from it. You can also turn on app limit timers and turn off notifications.
6. Find an Accountability Buddy (if you can). They don’t have to stop their unwanted addictions, but they're willing to celebrate when you succeed and support you if you fall short. Also consider talking to your smoking or drinking buddies about your new commitment to your health.
7. If You Relapse, It’s Okay. Don’t judge yourself (i.e. "Why am I so weak, stupid, etc.?”). Self-judgment is self-sabotage, because it ironically fuels the very behavior you want to stop. You didn’t lose progress, because recovery isn’t a perfect straight line. It’s a process. And regardless, you’re now one step closer to your goal (with more clarity of what you don’t want, and increased desire for what you do want).
8. Self-Reflection Questions:

• "What am I afraid would happen if I stopped doing an unwanted addiction?"
• "What are the advantages of the substance or activity? How does it support me?"
• "What am I afraid would happen if I accepted myself just the way I am?"
• "What am I afraid would happen if I only focused on what I appreciated about myself?"

.

Honorable Mention Addictions

1. Acceptance, Caring What People Think, and Needing to Be Understood
Wanting acceptance is fine. But needing it, is not knowing your value. So you’re desperate to find ways to get people to love and understand you (i.e. people pleaser, perfectionist, workaholic, clingy, gym selfies, etc.). This also inspires arguing, needing to be right and anger addictions, because you need to feel heard and validated (instead of understanding that some people can’t or aren’t interested in understanding).
.
2. Avoiding Boredom — Social Media Consumption
Consuming vs Creating. Negative addictions can have an imbalance leaning towards consuming people’s creations, vs expressing your own. When was the last time you laid in bed at night, or waited in line at the store, and didn’t pull out your phone to distract you? Instead of simply appreciating the moment and your surroundings.
“Something distracting me is better than nothing.” But then you don’t have standards of quality; you simply have an insatiable appetite of consuming more. And if you’re not intentionally consuming media; it will consume you. It’s passive consumption; each post is a potato chip. When you don’t have a specific intention before opening an app, then you’ll most likely spend your next hour on empty emotional calories and walk away feeling worse. Excessive consuming leads to fuming and glooming.
Negative addictions can start out innocently. But like a frog in a boiling pot… you don’t notice that you increasingly rely on them for self-medicating negative emotions until you feel it’s consumed you.
.
3. Anger and Drama
When you feel bored, there’s no momentum in that. You feel lifeless; like a plank of wood floating on still water. And you would rather feel fun and excitement (i.e. positive momentum). But, if you don’t know how to generate those feelings, then you’ll settle for the next easiest emotion that has momentum, which is anger. (But anger is negative momentum; when not intentionally controlled.)
Drama feels interesting compared to boredom, until it gradually wears on you (and your relationships). So you try to give that anger addiction up. But if you don’t know how to create positive momentum, then when you get bored, you’ll reach for anger again to get your fix to feel that energy flow.
As you judge yourself, you will feel sad, and then naturally inspired to feel angry, because anger has more momentum and energy than sadness; thus it feels more empowering. But if you don’t intentionally choose anger for relief (in a safe space, by yourself; don’t express it to others), then as you continue judging people and circumstances, you will eventually feel sad again, and feel stuck in a cycle of sad → angry → sad → angry.
.
4. Victim Mentality, Dismissive and Needing to Be Right
If you haven’t healed your inner child and trauma, you can get addicted to always feeling like a victim. You would rather be right, than happy. So you can believe you’re always right, and everyone else is wrong. You can get addicted to being dismissive of people’s perspectives (as a reflection of how you felt you were treated growing up). One advantage of continuing to feel like a victim is, you don’t have to change; everyone else has to change, because they’re the problem (i.e. you believe your negative emotions come from them). Your trauma isn’t your fault. And, healing is possible, when you feel comfortable and open to the opportunity.
.
5. Procrastinating, Isolation and Abandonment
Isolation amplified after the year 2020 (gee, I wonder why…). The main appeal is having no expectations, pressure to perform, or be responsible to others. The issue is, people are simply a mirror that reflects the relationship you have with yourself. So avoiding people doesn’t get rid of your limiting beliefs; you just become less aware of them.
Also, it can be easy to get stuck in the cycle of, "I hate myself, so I don't socialize. Which makes me feel lonely. So I hate myself even more..."
Procrastinating and abandonment can cause other addictions. For ex: You’re doomscrolling until 2 am because you’re avoiding the routine to go to bed, and/ or trying to run away from feeling bored, lonely and worthless.
.
6. Productivity, Maximizing and Efficiency
People thought the creation of computers would help people work less because it would do a lot of the work. Only to fast forward and realize it just raised society’s standards of the work they expected from you, causing you to ironically work more; not less. And with the emergence of A.I., hopefully we don’t repeat the same mistake.
People naturally want what’s best for them. But, if you were raised to constantly need to improve and do more, then any activity you do, can be turned into two to three activities. Maximizing your time doing one activity, while learning another (e.g. second screen viewing — which can be beneficial, but detrimental when you feel you have to do it and/or avoiding boredom). With the abundance and ease of access to learning, addiction to productivity causes you to demonize downtime: “Why just go for a walk? Why just lay in bed? I should be making money or learning something useful.”
Productivity addiction can justify doing less hobbies you enjoy, because they’re not making money. This can ironically make you less productive. You’re burned out, but you feel lazy because you don’t want to work all of the time; but can’t justify fun… so you do nothing as a compromise. This reduces the quality of your life, which then fuels other negative addictions to fill the void. And, if you don’t take a break from working, then your body will do it for you.
.
7. Comparing Yourself to Others and Should
When you compare yourself, you should all over yourself. “I should do this and be different,” or, “I shouldn’t have done that.” Shoulds leave you either feeling shame or resentment. If you force yourself to do what you think you should, then you sacrifice yourself, and so you feel resentment. But if you don’t do it, then you feel guilty, shame and regret. You can’t win.
.
8. Limerence, One-Sided and Parasocial Relationships
You’re addicted to people who don’t care about you. You keep holding on to people whose behavior makes it clear they’re not interested in a mutually satisfying relationship (romantic or friendship). This can be celebrities, K-Pop idols, streamers, influences and/or a situationship you’ve put your life on hold for years waiting and hoping for it to become something more.
.

You Didn’t Waste Your Life — There’s Still Hope

Robert Downey Jr.'s life was a disaster for years (alcohol and drug addiction, arrested, etc.) before he decided to turn it around (and iconically become Iron Man). His pain and experiences were fuel to become the actor and inspirational person that he is today. His quotes:

• “Remember that just because you hit the bottom doesn't mean you have to stay there.”
• “It’s easy to embrace hopelessness when things seem insurmountable. And yet, it’s actually just a matter of time until all of the elements come together for things to be alright. I mean, I believe that most difficult situations will resolve themselves if you are persistent and if you don’t give up entirely. And that’s what I never did; I never gave up.”

Although it may not seem like it right now, everything you have lived can be used to make you stronger, wiser, healthier and happier. Your potential has increased at least tenfold because of your “wasted” experiences. Think of it like you’re a rubber band on a slingshot; and the further back you stretched into the darkness, as you let go of limiting beliefs, you propel yourself forward that much farther into the light.
I can’t wait for you to begin seeing what you’re truly capable of in the months and years to come. When you finally stop beating up on yourself for the very past that will propel you into becoming the more compassionate, understanding, supportive, appreciative, creative, productive and fulfilled person that you want to be.
~ BFree
.
Share your thoughts: What’s one step you’re going to do to let go of negative addictions and start allowing more empowering positive addictions?
.

Aidin didn't need another cautionary tale about the Phaal, but he could tell from the slight crinkle of Isa's forehead that he was about to hear one.
"There's something else you should know," she said.
So predictable. "If you're going to tell me how deadly-"
"It's not that," she interrupted, and it suddenly occurred to Aidin that he was probably just as predictable to her as she was to him. "It's something else. Something worse."
"What's worse than-"
"They can read minds. They can read your mind. Human minds. They might be reading your mind right now."
"I see," nodded Aidin, digesting the information. "Actually, I don't think I do see. Why is that worse?"
"Because the only way we're getting out of here is if you can beat them at Phaal's Poker."
Aidin and Isa were sat on the floor of a holding cell, but it was unlike any of the cells they'd found themselves in before. And they'd found themselves in plenty. For most artefact dealers, there was a fine line between running a successful operation and staying on the right side of The Expanse's arbiters. Usually you had to pick one.
Their cell was shaped like the number 8, with two, circular chambers separated by a gap just wide enough to squeeze a human arm through. They could've passed items to each other had they been allowed to keep anything worth passing. Instead, all they'd exchanged so far were words and glances. And thoughts.
Each half of the cell was empty save from a polymer bucket, and a singular light hung in the gap, half-heartedly illuminating both halves at the same time.
It was hard for either of them to know how long they'd been there. There were no windows, and besides, time moved strangely in these far-flung corners of The Expanse. Still, Aidin's stomach had given way to a deep, aching growl. They'd clearly been here for too long.
___
Phaal's Poker. Aidin had only heard the rumours. Invented by the Phaal, mastered by the Phaal. It was said that nobody could beat them at their own game, least of all humans, and now he understood why. How do you deceive something that knows what you're thinking?
"Can't you play?" asked Aidin.
Isa shook her head. "They can't read me. They'll insist on playing you."
Aidin's eyes dropped and settled on his moaning gut. He was used to hunger, but this felt different. Like his body had resorted to feeding on itself.
"Right. Excellent. And if I lose?"
Isa raised an eyebrow. "Don't lose."
Aidin sighed. This was not what he had envisioned when he took the job, but jobs like this rarely went as planned. That much he knew. "So what're the rules?"
"Ah, yes." Isa straightened, her eyes widening with an enthusiasm that felt at odds with their current predicament. "It's actually a rather elegant game."
"Well then, lucky me," said Aidin, his patience eroding with every gurgling hunger pang. Isa persevered.
"Two players face each other. Each player takes a coin - but it can be anything small and flat - and places it - secretly, mind - into one of their hands - or whatever they use to hold stuff." Isa's excitement continued to build. "You win by finding your opponent's coin and tricking them into missing yours."
"What if you both find each other's coins?"
"Then the game starts again. Same if both players get it wrong, but-" she caught herself. "But-"
"-Phaal don't get it wrong." offered Aidin.
Isa slumped back against the wall. "No, they don't. At least, not when they're playing humans."
"So if the Phaal never miss, it means I can't win," reasoned Aidin. "I can only delay the inevitable by forcing a rematch."
"Yes. That's the long and short of it," said Isa. "But perhaps..." she trailed off, and Aidin interrogated the slight narrowing of her eyes. He'd seen that squint before.
"You've got an idea, haven't you?" he said.
"What if," ventured Isa, "there is a way?" At this she stood up, her dormant bones clicking back into action. She paced back and forth across the diameter of her half of the cell, moving in and out of Aidin's view through the small gap that separated them. Her lips moved silently, her fingers traced patterns in the air.
"I'm listening," said Aidin, veiling his intense relief as best he could. She always had an idea. "Whenever you're ready."
After what felt to Aidin like an age, Isa stopped in the middle of her cell and moved close to the gap, locking eyes with him again. The light hovered above her head, and it reminded Aidin of the cartoons he used to watch back on Earth. This was an idea alright.
Isa pointed at him: "You have one advantage over the other humans who have played Phaal's Poker, don't you?" Aidin nodded, but he didn't know what she was talking about. Isa sensed it. "Aidin, you know they can read your mind. The others won't have known. We can use that."
"Okay. Yeah. I can see it. Fine." He stared at her blankly. "But how exactly? If I'm thinking about lying about which hand my coin is in, they're still going to know I'm lying."
"Sure", said Isa. She was confident now, like a detective about to reveal the culprit. "But what if you don't think about the game at all?"
___
Aidin's eyes burned into the silhouetted backs of the two human guards that escorted him down a dark, seemingly endless corridor. "You can talk to me y'know," he spat. No response. Fucking traitors.
The width of the corridor fluctuated. In parts it was wide - almost palatial - but then the wood-panelled walls would tighten inwards and suddenly it was so narrow that the guards had to walk in single-file. Then they'd open up again. Intermittent lights along the ceiling made their shadows shorten and stretch.
He hadn't seen wood for some time, let alone wood-panels. These Phaal were wealthy - trees didn't grow on planets in these parts. If not for his bounds he would've reached out and ran his fingers along them.
Without warning the guards stopped outside a door. One turned to face him, and Aidin opened his mouth, ready to tell him what he thought about humans that had crossed over. But all he could muster was a stifled gasp.
The guard's eyes had been gouged out, leaving two, pitted caverns in their place. Two smaller holes punctured a flat, scarred surface where his nose should've been, and his mouth was sewn shut with rusted, blood-stained wire. His ears were still in tact.
The guard reached for the door handle with a gloved hand, and Aidin scrambled to gather himself. This is what could happen to me, he thought. This is what could happen if I lose.
The door swung open. Aidin's hunger continued to eat away at his insides.
___
A small, wooden coin was placed in front of each player by one of the mutilated guards that had escorted Aidin to the room. Like his cell, the room was empty save for the metal table and chairs on which they sat and a light that glowed above them. But unlike his cell, this one was square. Disgusting place, he thought.
He glanced up at the Phaal sat across from him, remembering with a spike of panic that his thoughts weren't private anymore. But it was unclear to him whether it was listening: just like the two human guards stood either side of them, the Phaal were faceless.
He had never seen one in real life before, but Isa's description was pretty accurate. Humans are mostly carbon and oxygen, Phaal are mostly calcium and keratin. Imagine if you tried to piece together a human using only bones, teeth, nails and hair.
Its whole chest was covered by a wooden-beaded necklace, which, based on the differing shades of brown, looked like an assortment of various woods. More posturing.
With a sudden lurch, the Phaal raised a hand and placed it on top of its coin. The hand was human-like in shape, but paper-white and hard. Thick cables of hair coiled around each finger, digging grooves into their surface like a vine eroding the brick of a decaying building. It dragged the coin off the table with a screech that felt like it was peeling away at Aidin's eardrums.
Aidin - his bounds cut once the door to the room had been shut - took his own coin in response, passed it between his sweat-lined hands and recited Isa's words in his mind over and over, like a mantra. Grip one half of the coin with your left hand, and the other half of the coin with your right. Then focus on what you'll eat when we get out of here.
The Phaal angled its head slightly, and Aidin wondered whether it was listening now. After a moment, the blank oval of bone, hair and teeth rocked back and fourth very slowly. It was nodding. Then it placed two clenched fists on the table.
Grip one half of the coin with your left hand, and the other half of the coin with your right. Then focus on what you'll eat when we get out of here.
Aidin closed his eyes and thought about food. He knew that the food he'd be eating if he ever escaped this place would likely be the same food he and Isa had eaten since they'd met all those years ago. A grool of proteins, most of which could be harvested from even the most barren atmospheres of The Outer Expanse.
But his mind was a pantry, and he had stocked it with a myriad of memories. He remembered melted cheese on home-baked bread. He could almost taste his mother's cinnamon apples and golden custard. He could recall the smell of fried potatoes with such precision that it almost felt to Aidin as though they, and not his own coiled hands, had just been placed onto the table in front of him.
Focus on what you'll eat when you get out of here. Fruit. Grapes. The juice of those grapes. God damn I miss grapes. Fucking grapes. I never even wanted 'em when I was a kid. Now I'd kill for a grape. Fuck it I'd die for a grape. I'd-
A cold, callous touch to his right hand dragged his mind away from the grapes and back into the room.
The Phaal had made its choice. And as soon as Aidin realised what was happening, the Phaal knew that it had chosen wrongly.
The coin had found its way into Aidin's left hand.
Now it was Aidin's turn to choose.

[Note: We’re focusing on emotional reasons; not physical. And this is just one perspective. Please consult your doctor for healing, withdrawals, etc.]
TL;DR: Addictions are coping mechanisms for an unfulfilled, disconnected life. You're craving intimacy and connection. And, you’re addicted because you judge yourself (and others).
Replace “addiction” with “momentum.” You hire an addiction to do one of two jobs:

• Slow Down Negative Momentum (i.e. depressant; takes away pain, calming and relief from stress).
• Speed Up Positive Momentum (i.e. stimulant; gives pleasure, fun, energy and motivation).

Addictions are used to regulate your emotions. But, when you artificially modify momentum, that keeps you stuck. So you’re learning how to shift from negative addictions (e.g. social media, junk food, vaping, etc.) to positive addictions (e.g. meditate, exercise, dancing, drawing, etc.).
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Before we begin, this is important: I’m not here trying to fix you. Because I don’t think you’re broken. I believe in you. You are strong, worthy and powerful enough to transform this. You may not know how to yet, but we’ll work together in understanding what’s at the heart of the issue, to support you in allowing the life you want and deserve.
Secondary Addictions: Phone, social media, food, sugar, caffeine, alcohol, video games, relationships, attention, validation, anger, sex, porn, weed, smoking, gambling, shopping, hoarding, workaholic, perfectionist, procrastinating, etc. All of these are secondary; compensating for an even greater addiction.
Primary Addiction: You’re addicted to judging yourself (and others). Not accepting and appreciating yourself and others is the cause of secondary addictions.
Addictions are coping mechanism for an unfulfilled, disconnected life. Mistreating substances is a reflection of how you treat yourself. And the irony is, part of the source for addiction is… judging yourself for doing it.
Addiction: Consistently using a substance or experience to regulate your emotions (this can be positive or negative).
And to add another layer: Replace “addiction” with “momentum” (or movement or energy flow). There’s momentum towards what you want or don’t want, and we’re discussing shifting momentum from unwanted to wanted; negative addictions to positive. Your natural state is to feel better. But if you don’t know how to do that, then you’ll rely on circumstances and people as fuel for feeling movement. But, when you artificially modify momentum, that keeps you stuck.
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The Cycle of Addictions

• Unwanted/ Negative Addiction: Judging anything makes you crave relief → So you consume more external/ conditional relief; relying on circumstances and people to feel better → Until you start judging again.
• Wanted/ Positive Addiction: Judging anything makes you crave relief → So you consume more internal/ unconditional relief; relying on your ability to focus to feel better → Accepting and appreciating reduces your desire for judging and negative addictions.

Negative addictions are used to avoid negative emotions. Whereas positive addictions are used to heal and embrace negative emotions.
Negative emotions are positive guidance (although it might not feel that way) letting you know you are focusing on (and judging) what you don't want. Negative emotions are just messengers of the limiting beliefs you're practicing. They're a necessary part of your emotional guidance, like GPS in your car. But the more you avoid or fight them, you keep yourself stuck.
All emotions are equal and worthy. But most people unknowingly create a hierarchy for their emotions (i.e. positive = good; negative = bad). Begin seeing negative emotions as worthy, valuable and supportive friends, and work together as a team to help you feel better.
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The Purpose of Addictions

Because you’re the CEO of you, you hire an addiction to do one of two jobs:

• Slow Down Negative Momentum (i.e. depressant; takes away pain, calming and relief from stress).
• Speed Up Positive Momentum (i.e. stimulant; gives pleasure, fun, energy, motivation and enhances a good time).

Addictions either make you feel more powerful, or distract you from feeling powerless. Negative addictions give you a false sense of security, which ironically enhances your insecurity. And that keeps you stuck in a cycle of abuse with negative addictions.
Addictions can soften your focus, so you’re distracted and more general with your thoughts (i.e. tune out). And when you focus less on details, then you’re less aware of what you specifically don’t want or have, so you judge less. And with less judgement, you slow down negative momentum, and naturally feel better.
Negative addictions can help you tune out, but they also won’t let you tune in to who you really are. So if you use substances to numb yourself, then you lose your ability to focus. But it’s your power of focusing that will set you free.
Negative addictions are trying to fill a void, with things that aren’t designed to fill it. It’s like trying to fill a cup with a hole in the bottom; so no matter how much you put in, it's still empty. And you use secondary addictions to distract yourself so you don’t feel the emptiness. But the only way to fix the hole is to be reminded of how powerful, worthy and whole you really are. And it’s not a fact that you’re unworthy; it’s just something you’ve been taught by other people, who feel unworthy.
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Because negative addictions are coping mechanisms, then if you think it’s the cause, then not using it will be the cure. But that doesn’t work as a long-term solution because it doesn’t address the actual issue: judging. So when you stop one unwanted behavior, you’ll probably start something else; i.e. transfer addiction. Or, you can call it transfer relief.
As long as you believe negative addictions help you feel normal, then you're not incentivized to let go because it’s not in your best interest. But when you feel better first, before going to the substance or experience, then you gradually remove its purpose, and thus your desire for it.

• Instead of saying, "I'm addicted," (which is valid). It's more accurate to say, “I’m seeking relief in the best way I know how.”

Negative addictions are just tools, and you used that tool to help you through a difficult time when you didn't know what else to do. You did the best you could, and now you’re ready for a change.

• “Thank you, negative addiction. I appreciate that you supported me. But, I’m taking the company in a new direction, and I will no longer be needing your services.”

Negative addictions have imposter syndrome; and rightfully so — they’re unqualified for the job of giving you sustainable relief. So when you start hiring positive addictions, then you release the control negative addictions once had over the company (i.e. you).
And it doesn’t mean you still don’t enjoy technology, food, etc. You can let them be for fun (based on your personal boundaries), but you are in control. They’re expressions of a fulfilling life; not replacements for it.
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Positive Addictions — What You’re Really Craving

Addictions indicate you're craving intimacy and connection. With others is nice, but you’re craving connection with yourself. And to stop an unwanted addiction, you want a new healthy habit to take its place. Because without it, there’s a power vacuum. So, what are your new healthier coping mechanisms to connect with yourself? For ex:

• "When I feel sad, I meditate for 2 - 15 minutes."
• "When I feel powerless, I exercise, go for a walk, ride a bike, or connect with nature.”
• "When I feel unloved and rejected, I connect with my body, by putting my hand on my heart, focus on deep breathing and being there for myself."
• "When I feel bored, I practice creative outlets to express myself (e.g. dancing, singing, drawing, gardening, crocheting, cooking, etc.).”

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Tips to Start Healing

1. Be Aware. Be Mindful. Be Intentional. When using an unwanted addiction, tell yourself,

• “I am consciously using this for relief. I’m not going to judge myself, because I understand why I’m doing it. I feel lonely, bored, sad, stressed, etc. And so, I am intentionally doing this activity to feel better.”

The simple act of bringing awareness to an unwanted habit shines light into the darkness, and you start regaining your power. You’re still doing the unwanted activity, but you’re tuning in, instead of tuning out.
2. Make a Deal with Yourself. When you get tempted to do an unwanted addiction, focus on feeling better first (e.g. meditate or go for a walk for a few minutes). Then, you can still do the unwanted addiction after you feel better. (This isn’t advocating unwanted behavior, but it is being realistic in helping you wean yourself off, and begin the job transfer process from negative to positive addictions.) So it accomplishes three things:

1. You’re not depriving yourself; you’re just slightly delaying gratification, which builds up your strength of not automatically going to the same unwanted habit.
2. You’re replacing the old addiction with a better-feeling one (and notice that you’ll consume less and/ or gradually have less desire to use the substance).
3. You create self-trust and respect by making a practical deal with yourself, and showing that you’re stronger than you think and can follow through; which also gives you hope that you can do this.

3. Reduce Consumption: Adjust Time and/ or Intensity. (E.g. If you’re smoking five days a week; do only four days, or use one less a day than normal).
4. Focus on what you want to start doing, instead of what you want to stop doing. What do you want to feel?

• “I want to start feeling relief. I want to feel supported. I want to start feeling more loved and accepted for who I am. I want to feel more comfortable and ease. I want to feel more at peace myself. I want to start feeling how strong and capable my body is. I want to feel proud of myself. I want to feel clarity. I want to start looking for more activities that are fun and bring out my creativity.”

5. Your Phone Has Grayscale, which makes it black and white, thus reducing the stimulus and dopamine you receive from it. You can also turn on app limit timers and turn off notifications.
6. Find an Accountability Buddy (if you can). They don’t have to stop their unwanted addictions, but they're willing to celebrate when you succeed and support you if you fall short. Also consider talking to your smoking or drinking buddies about your new commitment to your health.
7. If You Relapse, It’s Okay. Don’t judge yourself (i.e. "Why am I so weak, stupid, etc.?”). Self-judgment is self-sabotage, because it ironically fuels the very behavior you want to stop. You didn’t lose progress, because recovery isn’t a perfect straight line. It’s a process. And regardless, you’re now one step closer to your goal (with more clarity of what you don’t want, and increased desire for what you do want).
8. Self-Reflection Questions:

• "What am I afraid would happen if I stopped doing an unwanted addiction?"
• "What are the advantages of the substance or activity? How does it support me?"
• "What am I afraid would happen if I accepted myself just the way I am?"
• "What am I afraid would happen if I only focused on what I appreciated about myself?"

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Honorable Mention Addictions

1. Acceptance, Caring What People Think, and Needing to Be Understood
Wanting acceptance is fine. But needing it, is not knowing your value. So you’re desperate to find ways to get people to love and understand you (i.e. people pleaser, perfectionist, workaholic, clingy, gym selfies, etc.). This also inspires arguing, needing to be right and anger addictions, because you need to feel heard and validated (instead of understanding that some people can’t or aren’t interested in understanding).
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2. Avoiding Boredom — Social Media Consumption
Consuming vs Creating. Negative addictions can have an imbalance leaning towards consuming people’s creations, vs expressing your own. When was the last time you laid in bed at night, or waited in line at the store, and didn’t pull out your phone to distract you? Instead of simply appreciating the moment and your surroundings.
“Something distracting me is better than nothing.” But then you don’t have standards of quality; you simply have an insatiable appetite of consuming more. And if you’re not intentionally consuming media; it will consume you. It’s passive consumption; each post is a potato chip. When you don’t have a specific intention before opening an app, then you’ll most likely spend your next hour on empty emotional calories and walk away feeling worse. Excessive consuming leads to fuming and glooming.
Negative addictions can start out innocently. But like a frog in a boiling pot… you don’t notice that you increasingly rely on them for self-medicating negative emotions until you feel it’s consumed you.
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3. Anger and Drama
When you feel bored, there’s no momentum in that. You feel lifeless; like a plank of wood floating on still water. And you would rather feel fun and excitement (i.e. positive momentum). But, if you don’t know how to generate those feelings, then you’ll settle for the next easiest emotion that has momentum, which is anger. (But anger is negative momentum; when not intentionally controlled.)
Drama feels interesting compared to boredom, until it gradually wears on you (and your relationships). So you try to give that anger addiction up. But if you don’t know how to create positive momentum, then when you get bored, you’ll reach for anger again to get your fix to feel that energy flow.
As you judge yourself, you will feel sad, and then naturally inspired to feel angry, because anger has more momentum and energy than sadness; thus it feels more empowering. But if you don’t intentionally choose anger for relief (in a safe space, by yourself; don’t express it to others), then as you continue judging people and circumstances, you will eventually feel sad again, and feel stuck in a cycle of sad → angry → sad → angry.
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4. Victim Mentality, Dismissive and Needing to Be Right
If you haven’t healed your inner child and trauma, you can get addicted to always feeling like a victim. You would rather be right, than happy. So you can believe you’re always right, and everyone else is wrong. You can get addicted to being dismissive of people’s perspectives (as a reflection of how you felt you were treated growing up). One advantage of continuing to feel like a victim is, you don’t have to change; everyone else has to change, because they’re the problem (i.e. you believe your negative emotions come from them). Your trauma isn’t your fault. And, healing is possible, when you feel comfortable and open to the opportunity.
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5. Procrastinating, Isolation and Abandonment
Isolation amplified after the year 2020 (gee, I wonder why…). The main appeal is having no expectations, pressure to perform, or be responsible to others. The issue is, people are simply a mirror that reflects the relationship you have with yourself. So avoiding people doesn’t get rid of your limiting beliefs; you just become less aware of them.
Also, it can be easy to get stuck in the cycle of, "I hate myself, so I don't socialize. Which makes me feel lonely. So I hate myself even more..."
Procrastinating and abandonment can cause other addictions. For ex: You’re doomscrolling until 2 am because you’re avoiding the routine to go to bed, and/ or trying to run away from feeling bored, lonely and worthless.
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6. Productivity, Maximizing and Efficiency
People thought the creation of computers would help people work less because it would do a lot of the work. Only to fast forward and realize it just raised society’s standards of the work they expected from you, causing you to ironically work more; not less. And with the emergence of A.I., hopefully we don’t repeat the same mistake.
People naturally want what’s best for them. But, if you were raised to constantly need to improve and do more, then any activity you do, can be turned into two to three activities. Maximizing your time doing one activity, while learning another (e.g. second screen viewing — which can be beneficial, but detrimental when you feel you have to do it and/or avoiding boredom). With the abundance and ease of access to learning, addiction to productivity causes you to demonize downtime: “Why just go for a walk? Why just lay in bed? I should be making money or learning something useful.”
Productivity addiction can justify doing less hobbies you enjoy, because they’re not making money. This can ironically make you less productive. You’re burned out, but you feel lazy because you don’t want to work all of the time; but can’t justify fun… so you do nothing as a compromise. This reduces the quality of your life, which then fuels other negative addictions to fill the void. And, if you don’t take a break from working, then your body will do it for you.
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7. Comparing Yourself to Others and Should
When you compare yourself, you should all over yourself. “I should do this and be different,” or, “I shouldn’t have done that.” Shoulds leave you either feeling shame or resentment. If you force yourself to do what you think you should, then you sacrifice yourself, and so you feel resentment. But if you don’t do it, then you feel guilty, shame and regret. You can’t win.
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8. Limerence, One-Sided and Parasocial Relationships
You’re addicted to people who don’t care about you. You keep holding on to people whose behavior makes it clear they’re not interested in a mutually satisfying relationship (romantic or friendship). This can be celebrities, K-Pop idols, streamers, influences and/or a situationship you’ve put your life on hold for years waiting and hoping for it to become something more.
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You Didn’t Waste Your Life — There’s Still Hope

Robert Downey Jr.'s life was a disaster for years (alcohol and drug addiction, arrested, etc.) before he decided to turn it around (and iconically become Iron Man). His pain and experiences were fuel to become the actor and inspirational person that he is today. His quotes:

• “Remember that just because you hit the bottom doesn't mean you have to stay there.”
• “It’s easy to embrace hopelessness when things seem insurmountable. And yet, it’s actually just a matter of time until all of the elements come together for things to be alright. I mean, I believe that most difficult situations will resolve themselves if you are persistent and if you don’t give up entirely. And that’s what I never did; I never gave up.”

Although it may not seem like it right now, everything you have lived can be used to make you stronger, wiser, healthier and happier. Your potential has increased at least tenfold because of your “wasted” experiences. Think of it like you’re a rubber band on a slingshot; and the further back you stretched into the darkness, as you let go of limiting beliefs, you propel yourself forward that much farther into the light.
I can’t wait for you to begin seeing what you’re truly capable of in the months and years to come. When you finally stop beating up on yourself for the very past that will propel you into becoming the more compassionate, understanding, supportive, appreciative, creative, productive and fulfilled person that you want to be.
~ BFree
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Share your thoughts: What’s one step you’re going to do to let go of negative addictions and start allowing more empowering positive addictions?
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I’m a new mom so, I can admit, I can be super sensitive to comments about my 7 month old. One thing i’ve been super shocked/annoyed about is CONSTANT. comments from strangers on my son’s size. For example, today we were in a waiting room and a woman stopped me to ask how old my son is. I told her 7 months and she looked at him and said “wow you’re so tiny. my grand baby was your size at 3 months!” Now, for context, I EBF so any comments about him being “small” just send a dagger through my heart and I start to question if my body is giving him enough. Honestly, I have a bit of a complex when it comes to his size due to feeding issues when he was a newborn. Also, my son simply is NOT small. He’s 21lbs and in the 84th percentile for weight. I really shouldn’t be bothered by these comments because I know he is plenty big and very healthy. This isn’t the first time this has happened. It feels like these comments ALWAYS come from the older generation and they always feel a little bit judgmental. I really need to grow thicker skin I know! I guess it just kind of reinforces my insecurities that i’m not doing enough for him!!! not sure if any other moms can relate. Just tired of comments from strangers.

[Note: We’re focusing on emotional reasons; not physical. And this is just one perspective. Please consult your doctor for healing, withdrawals, etc.]
TL;DR: Addictions are coping mechanisms for an unfulfilled, disconnected life. You're craving intimacy and connection. And, you’re addicted because you judge yourself (and others).
Replace “addiction” with “momentum.” You hire an addiction to do one of two jobs:

• Slow Down Negative Momentum (i.e. depressant; takes away pain, calming and relief from stress).
• Speed Up Positive Momentum (i.e. stimulant; gives pleasure, fun, energy and motivation).

Addictions are used to regulate your emotions. But, when you artificially modify momentum, that keeps you stuck. So you’re learning how to shift from negative addictions (e.g. social media, junk food, vaping, etc.) to positive addictions (e.g. meditate, exercise, dancing, drawing, etc.).
_____
Before we begin, this is important: I’m not here trying to fix you. Because I don’t think you’re broken. I believe in you. You are strong, worthy and powerful enough to transform this. You may not know how to yet, but we’ll work together in understanding what’s at the heart of the issue, to support you in allowing the life you want and deserve.
Secondary Addictions: Phone, social media, food, sugar, caffeine, alcohol, video games, relationships, attention, validation, anger, sex, porn, weed, smoking, gambling, shopping, hoarding, workaholic, perfectionist, procrastinating, etc. All of these are secondary; compensating for an even greater addiction.
Primary Addiction: You’re addicted to judging yourself (and others). Not accepting and appreciating yourself and others is the cause of secondary addictions.
Addictions are coping mechanism for an unfulfilled, disconnected life. Mistreating substances is a reflection of how you treat yourself. And the irony is, part of the source for addiction is… judging yourself for doing it.
Addiction: Consistently using a substance or experience to regulate your emotions (this can be positive or negative).
And to add another layer: Replace “addiction” with “momentum” (or movement or energy flow). There’s momentum towards what you want or don’t want, and we’re discussing shifting momentum from unwanted to wanted; negative addictions to positive. Your natural state is to feel better. But if you don’t know how to do that, then you’ll rely on circumstances and people as fuel for feeling movement. But, when you artificially modify momentum, that keeps you stuck.
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The Cycle of Addictions

• Unwanted/ Negative Addiction: Judging anything makes you crave relief → So you consume more external/ conditional relief; relying on circumstances and people to feel better → Until you start judging again.
• Wanted/ Positive Addiction: Judging anything makes you crave relief → So you consume more internal/ unconditional relief; relying on your ability to focus to feel better → Accepting and appreciating reduces your desire for judging and negative addictions.

Negative addictions are used to avoid negative emotions. Whereas positive addictions are used to heal and embrace negative emotions.
Negative emotions are positive guidance (although it might not feel that way) letting you know you are focusing on (and judging) what you don't want. Negative emotions are just messengers of the limiting beliefs you're practicing. They're a necessary part of your emotional guidance, like GPS in your car. But the more you avoid or fight them, you keep yourself stuck.
All emotions are equal and worthy. But most people unknowingly create a hierarchy for their emotions (i.e. positive = good; negative = bad). Begin seeing negative emotions as worthy, valuable and supportive friends, and work together as a team to help you feel better.
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The Purpose of Addictions

Because you’re the CEO of you, you hire an addiction to do one of two jobs:

• Slow Down Negative Momentum (i.e. depressant; takes away pain, calming and relief from stress).
• Speed Up Positive Momentum (i.e. stimulant; gives pleasure, fun, energy, motivation and enhances a good time).

Addictions either make you feel more powerful, or distract you from feeling powerless. Negative addictions give you a false sense of security, which ironically enhances your insecurity. And that keeps you stuck in a cycle of abuse with negative addictions.
Addictions can soften your focus, so you’re distracted and more general with your thoughts (i.e. tune out). And when you focus less on details, then you’re less aware of what you specifically don’t want or have, so you judge less. And with less judgement, you slow down negative momentum, and naturally feel better.
Negative addictions can help you tune out, but they also won’t let you tune in to who you really are. So if you use substances to numb yourself, then you lose your ability to focus. But it’s your power of focusing that will set you free.
Negative addictions are trying to fill a void, with things that aren’t designed to fill it. It’s like trying to fill a cup with a hole in the bottom; so no matter how much you put in, it's still empty. And you use secondary addictions to distract yourself so you don’t feel the emptiness. But the only way to fix the hole is to be reminded of how powerful, worthy and whole you really are. And it’s not a fact that you’re unworthy; it’s just something you’ve been taught by other people, who feel unworthy.
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Because negative addictions are coping mechanisms, then if you think it’s the cause, then not using it will be the cure. But that doesn’t work as a long-term solution because it doesn’t address the actual issue: judging. So when you stop one unwanted behavior, you’ll probably start something else; i.e. transfer addiction. Or, you can call it transfer relief.
As long as you believe negative addictions help you feel normal, then you're not incentivized to let go because it’s not in your best interest. But when you feel better first, before going to the substance or experience, then you gradually remove its purpose, and thus your desire for it.

• Instead of saying, "I'm addicted," (which is valid). It's more accurate to say, “I’m seeking relief in the best way I know how.”

Negative addictions are just tools, and you used that tool to help you through a difficult time when you didn't know what else to do. You did the best you could, and now you’re ready for a change.

• “Thank you, negative addiction. I appreciate that you supported me. But, I’m taking the company in a new direction, and I will no longer be needing your services.”

Negative addictions have imposter syndrome; and rightfully so — they’re unqualified for the job of giving you sustainable relief. So when you start hiring positive addictions, then you release the control negative addictions once had over the company (i.e. you).
And it doesn’t mean you still don’t enjoy technology, food, etc. You can let them be for fun (based on your personal boundaries), but you are in control. They’re expressions of a fulfilling life; not replacements for it.
.

Positive Addictions — What You’re Really Craving

Addictions indicate you're craving intimacy and connection. With others is nice, but you’re craving connection with yourself. And to stop an unwanted addiction, you want a new healthy habit to take its place. Because without it, there’s a power vacuum. So, what are your new healthier coping mechanisms to connect with yourself? For ex:

• "When I feel sad, I meditate for 2 - 15 minutes."
• "When I feel powerless, I exercise, go for a walk, ride a bike, or connect with nature.”
• "When I feel unloved and rejected, I connect with my body, by putting my hand on my heart, focus on deep breathing and being there for myself."
• "When I feel bored, I practice creative outlets to express myself (e.g. dancing, singing, drawing, gardening, crocheting, cooking, etc.).”

.

Tips to Start Healing

1. Be Aware. Be Mindful. Be Intentional. When using an unwanted addiction, tell yourself,

• “I am consciously using this for relief. I’m not going to judge myself, because I understand why I’m doing it. I feel lonely, bored, sad, stressed, etc. And so, I am intentionally doing this activity to feel better.”

The simple act of bringing awareness to an unwanted habit shines light into the darkness, and you start regaining your power. You’re still doing the unwanted activity, but you’re tuning in, instead of tuning out.
2. Make a Deal with Yourself. When you get tempted to do an unwanted addiction, focus on feeling better first (e.g. meditate or go for a walk for a few minutes). Then, you can still do the unwanted addiction after you feel better. (This isn’t advocating unwanted behavior, but it is being realistic in helping you wean yourself off, and begin the job transfer process from negative to positive addictions.) So it accomplishes three things:

1. You’re not depriving yourself; you’re just slightly delaying gratification, which builds up your strength of not automatically going to the same unwanted habit.
2. You’re replacing the old addiction with a better-feeling one (and notice that you’ll consume less and/ or gradually have less desire to use the substance).
3. You create self-trust and respect by making a practical deal with yourself, and showing that you’re stronger than you think and can follow through; which also gives you hope that you can do this.

3. Reduce Consumption: Adjust Time and/ or Intensity. (E.g. If you’re smoking five days a week; do only four days, or use one less a day than normal).
4. Focus on what you want to start doing, instead of what you want to stop doing. What do you want to feel?

• “I want to start feeling relief. I want to feel supported. I want to start feeling more loved and accepted for who I am. I want to feel more comfortable and ease. I want to feel more at peace myself. I want to start feeling how strong and capable my body is. I want to feel proud of myself. I want to feel clarity. I want to start looking for more activities that are fun and bring out my creativity.”

5. Your Phone Has Grayscale, which makes it black and white, thus reducing the stimulus and dopamine you receive from it. You can also turn on app limit timers and turn off notifications.
6. Find an Accountability Buddy (if you can). They don’t have to stop their unwanted addictions, but they're willing to celebrate when you succeed and support you if you fall short. Also consider talking to your smoking or drinking buddies about your new commitment to your health.
7. If You Relapse, It’s Okay. Don’t judge yourself (i.e. "Why am I so weak, stupid, etc.?”). Self-judgment is self-sabotage, because it ironically fuels the very behavior you want to stop. You didn’t lose progress, because recovery isn’t a perfect straight line. It’s a process. And regardless, you’re now one step closer to your goal (with more clarity of what you don’t want, and increased desire for what you do want).
8. Self-Reflection Questions:

• "What am I afraid would happen if I stopped doing an unwanted addiction?"
• "What are the advantages of the substance or activity? How does it support me?"
• "What am I afraid would happen if I accepted myself just the way I am?"
• "What am I afraid would happen if I only focused on what I appreciated about myself?"

.

Honorable Mention Addictions

1. Acceptance, Caring What People Think, and Needing to Be Understood
Wanting acceptance is fine. But needing it, is not knowing your value. So you’re desperate to find ways to get people to love and understand you (i.e. people pleaser, perfectionist, workaholic, clingy, gym selfies, etc.). This also inspires arguing, needing to be right and anger addictions, because you need to feel heard and validated (instead of understanding that some people can’t or aren’t interested in understanding).
.
2. Avoiding Boredom — Social Media Consumption
Consuming vs Creating. Negative addictions can have an imbalance leaning towards consuming people’s creations, vs expressing your own. When was the last time you laid in bed at night, or waited in line at the store, and didn’t pull out your phone to distract you? Instead of simply appreciating the moment and your surroundings.
“Something distracting me is better than nothing.” But then you don’t have standards of quality; you simply have an insatiable appetite of consuming more. And if you’re not intentionally consuming media; it will consume you. It’s passive consumption; each post is a potato chip. When you don’t have a specific intention before opening an app, then you’ll most likely spend your next hour on empty emotional calories and walk away feeling worse. Excessive consuming leads to fuming and glooming.
Negative addictions can start out innocently. But like a frog in a boiling pot… you don’t notice that you increasingly rely on them for self-medicating negative emotions until you feel it’s consumed you.
.
3. Anger and Drama
When you feel bored, there’s no momentum in that. You feel lifeless; like a plank of wood floating on still water. And you would rather feel fun and excitement (i.e. positive momentum). But, if you don’t know how to generate those feelings, then you’ll settle for the next easiest emotion that has momentum, which is anger. (But anger is negative momentum; when not intentionally controlled.)
Drama feels interesting compared to boredom, until it gradually wears on you (and your relationships). So you try to give that anger addiction up. But if you don’t know how to create positive momentum, then when you get bored, you’ll reach for anger again to get your fix to feel that energy flow.
As you judge yourself, you will feel sad, and then naturally inspired to feel angry, because anger has more momentum and energy than sadness; thus it feels more empowering. But if you don’t intentionally choose anger for relief (in a safe space, by yourself; don’t express it to others), then as you continue judging people and circumstances, you will eventually feel sad again, and feel stuck in a cycle of sad → angry → sad → angry.
.
4. Victim Mentality, Dismissive and Needing to Be Right
If you haven’t healed your inner child and trauma, you can get addicted to always feeling like a victim. You would rather be right, than happy. So you can believe you’re always right, and everyone else is wrong. You can get addicted to being dismissive of people’s perspectives (as a reflection of how you felt you were treated growing up). One advantage of continuing to feel like a victim is, you don’t have to change; everyone else has to change, because they’re the problem (i.e. you believe your negative emotions come from them). Your trauma isn’t your fault. And, healing is possible, when you feel comfortable and open to the opportunity.
.
5. Procrastinating, Isolation and Abandonment
Isolation amplified after the year 2020 (gee, I wonder why…). The main appeal is having no expectations, pressure to perform, or be responsible to others. The issue is, people are simply a mirror that reflects the relationship you have with yourself. So avoiding people doesn’t get rid of your limiting beliefs; you just become less aware of them.
Also, it can be easy to get stuck in the cycle of, "I hate myself, so I don't socialize. Which makes me feel lonely. So I hate myself even more..."
Procrastinating and abandonment can cause other addictions. For ex: You’re doomscrolling until 2 am because you’re avoiding the routine to go to bed, and/ or trying to run away from feeling bored, lonely and worthless.
.
6. Productivity, Maximizing and Efficiency
People thought the creation of computers would help people work less because it would do a lot of the work. Only to fast forward and realize it just raised society’s standards of the work they expected from you, causing you to ironically work more; not less. And with the emergence of A.I., hopefully we don’t repeat the same mistake.
People naturally want what’s best for them. But, if you were raised to constantly need to improve and do more, then any activity you do, can be turned into two to three activities. Maximizing your time doing one activity, while learning another (e.g. second screen viewing — which can be beneficial, but detrimental when you feel you have to do it and/or avoiding boredom). With the abundance and ease of access to learning, addiction to productivity causes you to demonize downtime: “Why just go for a walk? Why just lay in bed? I should be making money or learning something useful.”
Productivity addiction can justify doing less hobbies you enjoy, because they’re not making money. This can ironically make you less productive. You’re burned out, but you feel lazy because you don’t want to work all of the time; but can’t justify fun… so you do nothing as a compromise. This reduces the quality of your life, which then fuels other negative addictions to fill the void. And, if you don’t take a break from working, then your body will do it for you.
.
7. Comparing Yourself to Others and Should
When you compare yourself, you should all over yourself. “I should do this and be different,” or, “I shouldn’t have done that.” Shoulds leave you either feeling shame or resentment. If you force yourself to do what you think you should, then you sacrifice yourself, and so you feel resentment. But if you don’t do it, then you feel guilty, shame and regret. You can’t win.
.
8. Limerence, One-Sided and Parasocial Relationships
You’re addicted to people who don’t care about you. You keep holding on to people whose behavior makes it clear they’re not interested in a mutually satisfying relationship (romantic or friendship). This can be celebrities, K-Pop idols, streamers, influences and/or a situationship you’ve put your life on hold for years waiting and hoping for it to become something more.
.

You Didn’t Waste Your Life — There’s Still Hope

Robert Downey Jr.'s life was a disaster for years (alcohol and drug addiction, arrested, etc.) before he decided to turn it around (and iconically become Iron Man). His pain and experiences were fuel to become the actor and inspirational person that he is today. His quotes:

• “Remember that just because you hit the bottom doesn't mean you have to stay there.”
• “It’s easy to embrace hopelessness when things seem insurmountable. And yet, it’s actually just a matter of time until all of the elements come together for things to be alright. I mean, I believe that most difficult situations will resolve themselves if you are persistent and if you don’t give up entirely. And that’s what I never did; I never gave up.”

Although it may not seem like it right now, everything you have lived can be used to make you stronger, wiser, healthier and happier. Your potential has increased at least tenfold because of your “wasted” experiences. Think of it like you’re a rubber band on a slingshot; and the further back you stretched into the darkness, as you let go of limiting beliefs, you propel yourself forward that much farther into the light.
I can’t wait for you to begin seeing what you’re truly capable of in the months and years to come. When you finally stop beating up on yourself for the very past that will propel you into becoming the more compassionate, understanding, supportive, appreciative, creative, productive and fulfilled person that you want to be.
~ BFree
.
Share your thoughts: What’s one step you’re going to do to let go of negative addictions and start allowing more empowering positive addictions?
.

[Note: We’re focusing on emotional reasons; not physical. And this is just one perspective. Please consult your doctor for healing, withdrawals, etc.]
TL;DR: Addictions are coping mechanisms for an unfulfilled, disconnected life. You're craving intimacy and connection. And, you’re addicted because you judge yourself (and others).
Replace “addiction” with “momentum.” You hire an addiction to do one of two jobs:

• Slow Down Negative Momentum (i.e. depressant; takes away pain, calming and relief from stress).
• Speed Up Positive Momentum (i.e. stimulant; gives pleasure, fun, energy and motivation).

Addictions are used to regulate your emotions. But, when you artificially modify momentum, that keeps you stuck. So you’re learning how to shift from negative addictions (e.g. social media, junk food, vaping, etc.) to positive addictions (e.g. meditate, exercise, dancing, drawing, etc.).
_____
Before we begin, this is important: I’m not here trying to fix you. Because I don’t think you’re broken. I believe in you. You are strong, worthy and powerful enough to transform this. You may not know how to yet, but we’ll work together in understanding what’s at the heart of the issue, to support you in allowing the life you want and deserve.
Secondary Addictions: Phone, social media, food, sugar, caffeine, alcohol, video games, relationships, attention, validation, anger, sex, porn, weed, smoking, gambling, shopping, hoarding, workaholic, perfectionist, procrastinating, etc. All of these are secondary; compensating for an even greater addiction.
Primary Addiction: You’re addicted to judging yourself (and others). Not accepting and appreciating yourself and others is the cause of secondary addictions.
Addictions are coping mechanism for an unfulfilled, disconnected life. Mistreating substances is a reflection of how you treat yourself. And the irony is, part of the source for addiction is… judging yourself for doing it.
Addiction: Consistently using a substance or experience to regulate your emotions (this can be positive or negative).
And to add another layer: Replace “addiction” with “momentum” (or movement or energy flow). There’s momentum towards what you want or don’t want, and we’re discussing shifting momentum from unwanted to wanted; negative addictions to positive. Your natural state is to feel better. But if you don’t know how to do that, then you’ll rely on circumstances and people as fuel for feeling movement. But, when you artificially modify momentum, that keeps you stuck.
.

The Cycle of Addictions

• Unwanted/ Negative Addiction: Judging anything makes you crave relief → So you consume more external/ conditional relief; relying on circumstances and people to feel better → Until you start judging again.
• Wanted/ Positive Addiction: Judging anything makes you crave relief → So you consume more internal/ unconditional relief; relying on your ability to focus to feel better → Accepting and appreciating reduces your desire for judging and negative addictions.

Negative addictions are used to avoid negative emotions. Whereas positive addictions are used to heal and embrace negative emotions.
Negative emotions are positive guidance (although it might not feel that way) letting you know you are focusing on (and judging) what you don't want. Negative emotions are just messengers of the limiting beliefs you're practicing. They're a necessary part of your emotional guidance, like GPS in your car. But the more you avoid or fight them, you keep yourself stuck.
All emotions are equal and worthy. But most people unknowingly create a hierarchy for their emotions (i.e. positive = good; negative = bad). Begin seeing negative emotions as worthy, valuable and supportive friends, and work together as a team to help you feel better.
.

The Purpose of Addictions

Because you’re the CEO of you, you hire an addiction to do one of two jobs:

• Slow Down Negative Momentum (i.e. depressant; takes away pain, calming and relief from stress).
• Speed Up Positive Momentum (i.e. stimulant; gives pleasure, fun, energy, motivation and enhances a good time).

Addictions either make you feel more powerful, or distract you from feeling powerless. Negative addictions give you a false sense of security, which ironically enhances your insecurity. And that keeps you stuck in a cycle of abuse with negative addictions.
Addictions can soften your focus, so you’re distracted and more general with your thoughts (i.e. tune out). And when you focus less on details, then you’re less aware of what you specifically don’t want or have, so you judge less. And with less judgement, you slow down negative momentum, and naturally feel better.
Negative addictions can help you tune out, but they also won’t let you tune in to who you really are. So if you use substances to numb yourself, then you lose your ability to focus. But it’s your power of focusing that will set you free.
Negative addictions are trying to fill a void, with things that aren’t designed to fill it. It’s like trying to fill a cup with a hole in the bottom; so no matter how much you put in, it's still empty. And you use secondary addictions to distract yourself so you don’t feel the emptiness. But the only way to fix the hole is to be reminded of how powerful, worthy and whole you really are. And it’s not a fact that you’re unworthy; it’s just something you’ve been taught by other people, who feel unworthy.
.
Because negative addictions are coping mechanisms, then if you think it’s the cause, then not using it will be the cure. But that doesn’t work as a long-term solution because it doesn’t address the actual issue: judging. So when you stop one unwanted behavior, you’ll probably start something else; i.e. transfer addiction. Or, you can call it transfer relief.
As long as you believe negative addictions help you feel normal, then you're not incentivized to let go because it’s not in your best interest. But when you feel better first, before going to the substance or experience, then you gradually remove its purpose, and thus your desire for it.

• Instead of saying, "I'm addicted," (which is valid). It's more accurate to say, “I’m seeking relief in the best way I know how.”

Negative addictions are just tools, and you used that tool to help you through a difficult time when you didn't know what else to do. You did the best you could, and now you’re ready for a change.

• “Thank you, negative addiction. I appreciate that you supported me. But, I’m taking the company in a new direction, and I will no longer be needing your services.”

Negative addictions have imposter syndrome; and rightfully so — they’re unqualified for the job of giving you sustainable relief. So when you start hiring positive addictions, then you release the control negative addictions once had over the company (i.e. you).
And it doesn’t mean you still don’t enjoy technology, food, etc. You can let them be for fun (based on your personal boundaries), but you are in control. They’re expressions of a fulfilling life; not replacements for it.
.

Positive Addictions — What You’re Really Craving

Addictions indicate you're craving intimacy and connection. With others is nice, but you’re craving connection with yourself. And to stop an unwanted addiction, you want a new healthy habit to take its place. Because without it, there’s a power vacuum. So, what are your new healthier coping mechanisms to connect with yourself? For ex:

• "When I feel sad, I meditate for 2 - 15 minutes."
• "When I feel powerless, I exercise, go for a walk, ride a bike, or connect with nature.”
• "When I feel unloved and rejected, I connect with my body, by putting my hand on my heart, focus on deep breathing and being there for myself."
• "When I feel bored, I practice creative outlets to express myself (e.g. dancing, singing, drawing, gardening, crocheting, cooking, etc.).”

.

Tips to Start Healing

1. Be Aware. Be Mindful. Be Intentional. When using an unwanted addiction, tell yourself,

• “I am consciously using this for relief. I’m not going to judge myself, because I understand why I’m doing it. I feel lonely, bored, sad, stressed, etc. And so, I am intentionally doing this to feel better.”

The simple act of bringing awareness to an unwanted habit shines light into the darkness, and you start regaining your power. You’re still doing the unwanted activity, but you’re tuning in, instead of tuning out.
2. Make a Deal with Yourself. When you get tempted to do an unwanted addiction, focus on feeling better first (e.g. meditate or go for a walk for a few minutes). Then, you can still do the unwanted addiction after you feel better. (This isn’t advocating unwanted behavior, but it is being realistic in helping you wean yourself off, and begin the job transfer process from negative to positive addictions.) So it accomplishes three things:

1. You’re not depriving yourself; you’re just slightly delaying gratification, which builds up your strength of not automatically going to the same unwanted habit.
2. You’re replacing the old addiction with a better-feeling one (and notice that you’ll consume less and/ or gradually have less desire to use the substance).
3. You create self-trust and respect by making a practical deal with yourself, and showing that you’re stronger than you think and can follow through; which also gives you hope that you can do this.

3. Reduce Consumption: Adjust Time and/ or Intensity. (E.g. If you’re smoking five days a week; do only four days, or use one less a day than normal).
4. Focus on what you want to start doing, instead of what you want to stop doing. What do you want to feel?

• “I want to start feeling relief. I want to feel supported. I want to start feeling more loved and accepted for who I am. I want to feel more comfortable and ease. I want to feel more at peace myself. I want to start feeling how strong and capable my body is. I want to feel proud of myself. I want to feel clarity. I want to start looking for more activities that are fun and bring out my creativity.”

5. Your Phone Has Grayscale, which makes it black and white, thus reducing the stimulus and dopamine you receive from it. You can also turn on app limit timers and turn off notifications.
6. Find an Accountability Buddy (if you can). They don’t have to stop their unwanted addictions, but they're willing to celebrate when you succeed and support you if you fall short. Also consider talking to your smoking or drinking buddies about your new commitment to your health.
7. If You Relapse, It’s Okay. Don’t judge yourself (i.e. "Why am I so weak, stupid, etc.?”). Self-judgment is self-sabotage, because it ironically fuels the very behavior you want to stop. You didn’t lose progress, because recovery isn’t a perfect straight line. It’s a process. And regardless, you’re now one step closer to your goal (with more clarity of what you don’t want, and increased desire for what you do want).
8. Self-Reflection Questions:

• "What am I afraid would happen if I stopped doing an unwanted addiction?"
• "What are the advantages of the substance or activity? How does it support me?"
• "What am I afraid would happen if I accepted myself just the way I am?"
• "What am I afraid would happen if I only focused on what I appreciated about myself?"

.

Honorable Mention Addictions

1. Acceptance, Caring What People Think, and Needing to Be Understood
Wanting acceptance is fine. But needing it, is not knowing your value. So you’re desperate to find ways to get people to love and understand you (i.e. people pleaser, perfectionist, workaholic, clingy, gym selfies, etc.). This also inspires arguing, needing to be right and anger addictions, because you need to feel heard and validated (instead of understanding that some people can’t or aren’t interested in understanding).
.
2. Avoiding Boredom — Social Media Consumption
Consuming vs Creating. Negative addictions can have an imbalance leaning towards consuming people’s creations, vs expressing your own. When was the last time you laid in bed at night, or waited in line at the store, and didn’t pull out your phone to distract you? Instead of simply appreciating the moment and your surroundings.
“Something distracting me is better than nothing.” But then you don’t have standards of quality; you simply have an insatiable appetite of consuming more. And if you’re not intentionally consuming media; it will consume you. It’s passive consumption; each post is a potato chip. When you don’t have a specific intention before opening an app, then you’ll most likely spend your next hour on empty emotional calories and walk away feeling worse. Excessive consuming leads to fuming and glooming.
Negative addictions can start out innocently. But like a frog in a boiling pot… you don’t notice that you increasingly rely on them for self-medicating negative emotions until you feel it’s consumed you.
.
3. Anger and Drama
When you feel bored, there’s no momentum in that. You feel lifeless; like a plank of wood floating on still water. And you would rather feel fun and excitement (i.e. positive momentum). But, if you don’t know how to generate those feelings, then you’ll settle for the next easiest emotion that has momentum, which is anger. (But anger is negative momentum; when not intentionally controlled.)
Drama feels interesting compared to boredom, until it gradually wears on you (and your relationships). So you try to give that anger addiction up. But if you don’t know how to create positive momentum, then when you get bored, you’ll reach for anger again to get your fix to feel that energy flow.
As you judge yourself, you will feel sad, and then naturally inspired to feel angry, because anger has more momentum and energy than sadness; thus it feels more empowering. But if you don’t intentionally choose anger for relief (in a safe space, by yourself; don’t express it to others), then as you continue judging people and circumstances, you will eventually feel sad again, and feel stuck in a cycle of sad → angry → sad → angry.
.
4. Victim Mentality, Dismissive and Needing to Be Right
If you haven’t healed your inner child and trauma, you can get addicted to always feeling like a victim. You would rather be right, than happy. So you can believe you’re always right, and everyone else is wrong. You can get addicted to being dismissive of people’s perspectives (as a reflection of how you felt you were treated growing up). One advantage of continuing to feel like a victim is, you don’t have to change; everyone else has to change, because they’re the problem (i.e. you believe your negative emotions come from them). Your trauma isn’t your fault. And, healing is possible, when you feel comfortable and open to the opportunity.
.
5. Procrastinating, Isolation and Abandonment
Isolation amplified after the year 2020 (gee, I wonder why…). The main appeal is having no expectations, pressure to perform, or be responsible to others. The issue is, people are simply a mirror that reflects the relationship you have with yourself. So avoiding people doesn’t get rid of your limiting beliefs; you just become less aware of them.
Also, it can be easy to get stuck in the cycle of, "I hate myself, so I don't socialize. Which makes me feel lonely. So I hate myself even more..."
Procrastinating and abandonment can cause other addictions. For ex: You’re doomscrolling until 2 am because you’re avoiding the routine to go to bed, and/ or trying to run away from feeling bored, lonely and worthless.
.
6. Productivity, Maximizing and Efficiency
People thought the creation of computers would help people work less because it would do a lot of the work. Only to fast forward and realize it just raised society’s standards of the work they expected from you, causing you to ironically work more; not less. And with the emergence of A.I., hopefully we don’t repeat the same mistake.
People naturally want what’s best for them. But, if you were raised to constantly need to improve and do more, then any activity you do, can be turned into two to three activities. Maximizing your time doing one activity, while learning another (e.g. second screen viewing — which can be beneficial, but detrimental when you feel you have to do it and/or avoiding boredom). With the abundance and ease of access to learning, addiction to productivity causes you to demonize downtime: “Why just go for a walk? Why just lay in bed? I should be making money or learning something useful.”
Productivity addiction can justify doing less hobbies you enjoy, because they’re not making money. This can ironically make you less productive. You’re burned out, but you feel lazy because you don’t want to work all of the time; but can’t justify fun… so you do nothing as a compromise. This reduces the quality of your life, which then fuels other negative addictions to fill the void. And, if you don’t take a break from working, then your body will do it for you.
.
7. Comparing Yourself to Others and Should
When you compare yourself, you should all over yourself. “I should do this and be different,” or, “I shouldn’t have done that.” Shoulds leave you either feeling shame or resentment. If you force yourself to do what you think you should, then you sacrifice yourself, and so you feel resentment. But if you don’t do it, then you feel guilty, shame and regret. You can’t win.
.
8. Limerence, One-Sided and Parasocial Relationships
You’re addicted to people who don’t care about you. You keep holding on to people whose behavior makes it clear they’re not interested in a mutually satisfying relationship (romantic or friendship). This can be celebrities, K-Pop idols, streamers, influences and/or a situationship you’ve put your life on hold for years waiting and hoping for it to become something more.
.

You Didn’t Waste Your Life — There’s Still Hope

Robert Downey Jr.'s life was a disaster for years (alcohol and drug addiction, arrested, etc.) before he decided to turn it around (and iconically become Iron Man). His pain and experiences were fuel to become the actor and inspirational person that he is today. His quotes:

• “Remember that just because you hit the bottom doesn't mean you have to stay there.”
• “It’s easy to embrace hopelessness when things seem insurmountable. And yet, it’s actually just a matter of time until all of the elements come together for things to be alright. I mean, I believe that most difficult situations will resolve themselves if you are persistent and if you don’t give up entirely. And that’s what I never did; I never gave up.”

Although it may not seem like it right now, everything you have lived can be used to make you stronger, wiser, healthier and happier. Your potential has increased at least tenfold because of your “wasted” experiences. Think of it like you’re a rubber band on a slingshot; and the further back you stretched into the darkness, as you let go of limiting beliefs, you propel yourself forward that much farther into the light.
I can’t wait for you to begin seeing what you’re truly capable of in the months and years to come. When you finally stop beating up on yourself for the very past that will propel you into becoming the more compassionate, understanding, supportive, appreciative, creative, productive and fulfilled person that you want to be.
~ BFree
.
Share your thoughts: What’s one step you’re going to do to let go of negative addictions and start allowing more empowering positive addictions?
.

I took the plunge and pre-ordered the Ace, and I’ve been putting it through its paces for the last couple of days. I’m pretty deep in the Sonos ecosystem, and I’m a big headphone collector, so I’m tossing in my thoughts here for those thinking about taking the plunge on these $450 cans.
TL:DR - the Aces come in at a high price point in the market at $450. At that price, these may be a tough sell for many. The overall sound is very good - but not definitively better than the category leaders in the market, many of which cost substantially less. Early/Gen1 bugs will leave some thinking that the product is half baked or leaves them out entirely, especially Android users. All that said, this is still a Sonos product, so there are enough things done well about the Ace that it could be a decent proposition - especially if you catch a sale and/or after upcoming software updates. Hard to hate, hard to love.
Now to give some context and get into the deeper review. As mentioned, I am pretty deep in the Sonos ecosystem because I’ve steadily added to my setups over the years. I started with a 5.1 system, Playbar + Sub + two Play 1s about 10 years ago (now in my kid’s playroom) and now I have Sonos in my whole home - another Arc-based 5.1 setup (media room), a Playbase 5.1 setup (living room), a Beam (bedroom), Move (outdoor patio) and a Roam (travel).
I am also a headphone collector and have 22 pairs, ranging from “consumer” stuff like the Ace, AirPods Pro/Max - and all the way up to high-end reference gear from the likes of Audeze, Sennheiser, Meze, Focal, etc. I listen to many types of music, from hip-hop to classical, and I also do quite a bit of gaming. I have a young kiddo so have the need to use headphones for TV viewing pretty often.
Starting with the overall design, comfort, control and included accessories - Sonos does a mostly solid job. The design isn’t overly striking in any way, but it is a well-refined “standard headphone” type of design with clean lines. The Aces are light while still feeling solidly built, have a smooth but appropriately firm sliding hinge for headband fit, have easily removable pads, and while they don’t completely collapse, they get compact enough to fit in the included zip-up hard shell carrying case.
The respectable carrying case isn’t the only included accessory. A USB-C cable is included for both charging and USB-C audio (no included wall charger), and a USB-C to 3.5mm cable is included as well for plugging into analog sources. The inclusion of these cables and capabilities gives the Aces a lot of general versatility and are good things at this price point.
The design lends itself to an overall very comfortable headphone. The band has a very soft cushion and connects to the cups in a way that distributes the weight very well. The cushions of the cups are a well-padded and very comfortable faux leather situation with a firm but not too imposing pressure on the head. These are easy to wear for hours without discomfort for me. I will note that while everything is fine for me, the cups are not particularly large, and the pads are angled, so people with large ears may find their ears touching the cups a bit.
The controls are also well designed. Sonos chose to avoid any type of touch controls with the Aces and has just three buttons - one for power and Bluetooth pairing, one for ANC/transparency/on-device voice assistant, and one for volume and track/audio source/phone call control. It reads more complicated than it is for the controls to become second nature. It is a very good overall control scheme. It’s not quite as good as the Digital Crown design of the AirPods Max, but I’d give it a strong second to that.
When it comes to hardware design and general ease of use, Sonos has always done well across its product range, and that continues here. Grade: A
Sound is one of the most subjective/difficult things to review, and I’m going to try and be as neutral as possible and use some good points of comparison. Overall, the Aces perform fairly well for the product category, and while they bring their own approach to the table, it is very much debatable whether what they bring in terms of sound is worth the fairly high $450 entry point versus $450 for the AirPods Max, $299 for the Sennheiser Momentum 4, $328 for the Sony WH-1000XM5 or $379 for the Bose Quiet Comfort Ultra - all very mature and respectable market leaders with similar product features in this category. There are wireless headphones out there that are priced higher like the Focal Bathys ($799) or the Bowers and Wilkins Px8 ($529), though one could argue that those are catering to the luxury and/or audiophile market (all Amazon US prices as of this writing), where the sound expectations have a higher hurdle to overcome.
Let’s first talk about tonal balance. The general tuning of the Aces is very similar to all of the other products I mentioned above, which is a version of a “V-Shaped” tune; bass is boosted, and treble is boosted, creating what has become commonly known as a “fun” type of tuning that I call warm and sparkly. While all of the products I mentioned do this in some way, each does it slightly differently, resulting in a slightly different overall sound presentation, the Aces are no exception. Let’s dive in.
The bass on the Aces is very noticeably boosted throughout the entire band, and the biggest boost is in the sub-bass region. This means the Aces bring slam, boom and rumble to the listen. It could be argued that these get into bass head territory, and I believe those that like bass would be happy with the Aces in that department. While the bass is certainly very prominent, it is not overly loose and still maintains a decent level of control. It is a thick but fairly clean bass. It hits thicker than the AirPods Max but less so than the Momentums and XM5s. If you like to feel those big explosions and soundtrack moments in your TV viewing and gaming, the Aces will fit the bill, as the depth the bass can reach is impressive. The downside to the bass tuning is that since the entire bass band is boosted, if you are listening to a track that has a lot of action in the bass region, it can be overwhelming and lack detail. It can also lead to some bleed into the lower midrange on certain tracks.
It is the midrange on the Aces that surprised me the most, though when I think about how Sonos likely dedicated as much thought to how these sound for TV as to how they sound for music, it makes sense. In a usual “V-shaped” tuning, it is the midrange that is the least present or gets a bit left out of the mix. This often results in vocals and many common core instruments and pieces of the mix somewhat veiled, and is the reason many audiophiles don’t like the V-shaped tuning. The Aces mostly avoid this. The midrange balance is pretty on-target with the exception of a bit of a dip in the upper mids. This means that you get a very full-bodied core sound when listening to the Aces, and that’s a very good thing. Male vocals are very often put on full display because of the added warmth of the bass boost. Female vocals can sometimes take a bit of a back seat, along with instruments like guitar, as a result of the dip in the upper mids, but to notice either of these, you’d really have to be a focused listener (more on why later). The story of the midrange is that it’s better executed than many in the category. This translates well to TV/gaming as well, as dialogue is typically easy to make out, even when there’s lots of other action going on.
The treble on the Ace, as mentioned, is definitely boosted, but in a targeted way that overall, works. I mentioned that the upper midrange where female vocals and some higher instruments live is a bit de-emphasized. Well, the treble is boosted in the “sparkle” region, where sounds like symbols reside - as well as the “s” and “t” sounds in vocals. This boost makes details shine a bit more, and it also hides the under-emphasis of the upper midrange a bit because it still pulls forward the sparkle of all vocals. This upper midrange and treble boost combination is also seen in some well-regarded higher end headphones from the likes of Sennheiser and Meze Audio, just to name a few, so kudos to Sonos for pretty solid execution on the treble. The downside to boosting this region is that some people’s ears are sensitive to this frequency range, and can find sounds like snare drums, loud symbols and the like in this region to be grating to listen to for long periods of time. I don’t find the boost to be extreme, but it is there, so those that are treble-sensitive, just something to note.
This is a good point to make note that this has all been related to the default tonal balance of the Aces right out of the box. Connecting to the Sonos app does allow you to adjust the frequency response - though it is a very basic EQ just like other Sonos products - a simple treble/bass slider. Most of the options at this price point offer greater level of control with a at least a 3-5 band EQ, but it’s better than nothing.
Last in the sound department is a bit about the staging and technical performance. Again, the Aces do what they do fairly well for the category, but whether what they do is definitively better than their peers is debatable. The sound that comes from the Aces is crisp and clear, and one of the most immediately noticeable aspects of the presentation is the good horizontal spread of the pieces of the mix - everything is placed very well with pretty good separation. The sound stage isn’t overly wide by any means, and we aren’t talking about a 3D/holographic sound stage (unless you’re using Dolby Atmos, which I’ll come back to), but the sound does indeed go ear-to-ear horizontally. Even so, the focus of the Aces is always front and center. The stage is very center-focused and intimate, with the edges of the left and right channel wrapping around to the ears. It is a pretty in your face presentation that works well. The center position also has a small but distinct depth and separation from the mix, which is impressive for a wireless headphone (I had to wonder if the fact that the inside of the pads of the Aces are angled contributes to this). The fact that the stage is so center-focused also keeps the vocals and heart of the mix emphasized, and this pairs well with its midrange tuning. This presentation also is another testament to being well-designed for both music and TV listening.
I am not always a fan of Dolby Atmos for headphones, as what the technology can do is often overhyped, but the Aces do handle Atmos mixed sources (or multichannel sources when using TV Swap) very well. It essentially makes the sound stage a bit bigger, along with more precise positioning of the pieces of the mix. I find it best for video content and hit or miss for music.
The overall sound package that the Aces deliver is solid, well-executed, V-shaped listen. The sound is warm, crisp, clean, dynamic/lively and is presented very well, in a way that will work for many genres of music, TV and gaming. The aces definitely deserve to be in the conversation among the market leaders, but each of these market leaders also have strong overall presentations that are arguably just as good, if not better - and allow for a bit more control with more EQ personalization options. The Ace’s premium price relative to this competition has to be taken into consideration as a point of comparison in evaluating overall sound. Grade: B+ / A-
I realize that when evaluating a pair of wireless headphones nowadays, the technology feature set is a big factor as well, and that’s where things get even more interesting for the Aces. This is because depending on your particular Sonos setup, mobile device setup, and general home listening setup, the technological features of the Aces are various levels of either lacking or unfinished.
Let’s start with the good. Regardless of the device you’re using to connect, you get to experience the active noise cancellation and transparency modes of the Aces, and both are very good. The noice cancelling mode isn’t quite as good as Bose, and the transparency mode isn’t quite as good as Apple, but both are respectable compared to anything else, a good showing. You can also enable head tracking in the Sonos app when connected to any device audio via Bluetooth, which for Android users may be an added convenience, depending on your device (for Apple users, this is a feature built in option at the system level between any iOS device and AirPods). You also get a fairly good mix of codec support, including some lossless options if your device supports it.
Now, the not so good. When Sonos announced the Aces, the company very accurately talked about how headphones were one of the most requested products of the community, and everyone in this sub can probably attest to that. But what has been released, at this point in time especially, IMO misses the mark by not doing the we want the headphones to do most - connect seamlessly to our larger Sonos systems, and on top of this, it highlights the challenge of forced obsolescence when dealing with home theater speakers and advanced technology in the same package.
The best way to illustrate this is to state plainly that the Aces are first and foremost Bluetooth headphones. They connect to your Sonos system indirectly via the app on your Bluetooth device, not directly to the system itself via WiFi (mostly). This means a few things. If you’re envisioning using the Sonos app as a hub main hub for navigating your music library across sources and handing it off between your Sonos speakers and headphones, that’s not in the cards with the Ace (ha). As a matter of fact, you can only use the Sonos app to play and pause media playing on the Ace, not select and navigate.
If your goal is using the Aces to listen to your TV, it can be done via a feature called TV Swap, but the situation isn’t exactly pretty for a lot of people. You can press a button on the Aces or within the Sonos app to trigger a direct WiFi connection between a TV-connected Sonos speaker, but at launch and of this writing, it only works on the top-of-the-line Sonos Arc soundbar. This support is coming via software update to the Beam and Ray at an unannounced date. This means that for folks like me that have been building a Sonos ecosystem for years, arguably the most loyal and valuable customers of Sonos (and the ones requesting this product for years), the usefulness of the Aces may be substantially reduced. Out of the four rooms that have Sonos sound bars in my home, again, all purchased within the last ten years or less, only two will ever work with the Aces. My Playbase and Playbar are forever excluded, and if you’re using something like the Sonos Amp to connect a turntable or other device to your Sonos system, you’re also out of luck. If you are an Android user, the picture is even uglier, as the TV Swap feature doesn’t work AT ALL, meaning that until an update arrives, also at an as yet unannounced date, the Aces are essentially a regular pair of Bluetooth headphones for Android users.
For me, this is the most disappointing thing about the Aces. Unless you are a fairly recent inductee to the Sonos ecosystem, the Aces probably are really more general Bluetooth headphones that can connect to a Sonos speakeTV than Sonos headphones that also connect to Bluetooth devices. This is in a world where there are certainly other options for connecting headphones to your TV’s audio. Many smart TV’s and set top boxes now offer a direct Bluetooth connection, and if you have an Apple TV, using AirPods via AirPlay is a much more seamless experience. All of these things, combined with the recent revamp of the Sonos app that took away features and left many unhappy in the name of updating the app for future products (including the Ace), should make you think twice about if the Aces are the best way to get TV audio via headphones for you and your setup - and about the longevity of your particular Sonos setup in general. I realize there are technical challenges that make better Sonos system integration a challenge, and that for some, the issue about older products isn’t an issue at all, but it is worth bringing to light for those making a long-term purchase decision.
The second most disappointing thing about the launch of the Aces is the continued trend of companies releasing products at full price that are essentially unfinished. I already discussed that for Android users at launch, there is no TV Swap at all, so these are effectively just regular Bluetooth headphones with no Sonos system integration at all. I also touched on the fact that TV swap support for the Beam and Ray is missing for all platforms. There is also a very cool-sounding form of TruePlay that Sonos is calling TrueTune. This will calibrate the room, so that when using TV Swap to listen to audio, you’ll get an even more “immersive” listening experience that takes Spatial Audio and head tracking to the next level by trying to actually mirror the acoustics of the room as if you had no headphones on at all. I can’t report on that because, you guessed it…the feature is coming at a yet unannounced date. On top of this, there are bugs out of the gate. Sometimes my Aces don’t show up in the Sonos app, and TV Swap sometimes doesn’t trigger or glitches out.
All of this makes judging the technological features of the Aces difficult. On the side of being Bluetooth headphones - the ANC, connection possibilities/versatility, multi-device connection, head tracking/spatial audio support, and battery life, the Aces are a strong showing. On the Sonos side, your experience will be highly dependent on your current Sonos setup, source setup, how you like to navigate your music library, your level of patience to receive updates, and your trust/level of care for when/if Sonos will release an update that breaks something between your Aces and your existing setup or releases a new speaker that doesn’t work with the Aces. These are all considerations that again make the $450 asking price seem steep when there are other options in the market with equal or greater capabilities for a substantially lesser price. Grade: C-
Overall, I view the Aces as a solid pair of Bluetooth headphones, and as Bluetooth headphones for day-to-day needs, they are worth considering, though arguably not the best value in terms of overall sound quality and features. The AirPods Max, Sennheiser Momentum 4 Wireless, Sony WH-1000XM5 and Bose Quiet Comfort Ultra all bring comparatively good sound and feature sets at the same or a substantially lower price. Whether that premium is worth it because of the Sonos interplay, well, your mileage may vary, depending on your setup. They have the potential to be pretty great for some, while at the same time being annoying for some - hard to hate, hard to love. I hope this review was helpful for those taking a look at these or building a Sonos ecosystem in general. Happy listening!

Content warning: Contains mental health issues and physical violence.
The world breaks like glass, shattered as the world disappears into a black void. Embodiment of the soul floats in idle as shattered glass falls slower. It’s a shame, for souls to have lost their way but can still function. A blare bursts out from a black clock, soon to come at a silence from the smack of a button.
I wake up in a daze, accompanied by the sound of light rain getting caught by my bedroom window. I realize no other sound is made; my house falls silent. How unusual for morning hours. I get up from my bed, grabbing a set of clothes from my closet. Then, the realization hit once I hear my little sister’s muffled cry in a separate room, next to mine. “Right, my mother has died, how could I be so forgetful.”
June 7th, 2024, was the mark of my mother’s death. That night’s incident came at a flash. Me and my mother were walking on a familiar route. We were on a sidewalk with a silver railing attached on the opposing side of the black covered roads. During our walk, we discussed about my future while returning home with our groceries. Clouds were turning dark, so we sped up.
Then, a figure, that I can’t identify, came to me and my mother with a knife. This person kept going at my mother, enchasing their knife with blood. But why? Even when I landed jabs at this person, they wouldn’t stop stabbing my mother. After about five minutes of trading hits, this person ran away, dropping their blood filled knife, marking a path like a skipping rock. My mother sustained crucial damage and had a look of disappointment as I came to wrap her wounds and held her. In an immediate decision, I called for help on my phone. Rain started to settle, mixing with the blood of my mother’s body. As more blood exits her body, the more her heart rate diminished. Within a few moments, I was holding a corpse. Ambulance didn’t arrive on time.
A void started to close around me, leaving out all reality, and that was the last moment I could remember.
“That’ll be all for today, Mr. Mason. Thank you for telling us all the information from last night, we’ll be contacting you soon after we investigate this situation. You’re free to leave.” I exit out the interrogation after a brief amount of time, recollecting everything that has happened. My sister waited for me outside the room.
“Do you think they will be able to find the murderer?” My little sister has been tearing up for three hours, devastated from the loss of our mother. You could tell by her distressed look.
“Yes, don’t worry. We will be protected from this murderer.” I knew she would be worried about the murderer getting us next, though I am unsure if that is true. The murderer had one target last night, my mother in this instance, however I never understood the reason why. Did she have a debt overdue to a suspicious organization? Whatever the case, our family is in hot shit, and we need to protect ourselves.
“Are you sure, big brother?”
“Yes, let’s leave now, Julie. Come on, grab my hand.” We exit the stone building, having a few eyes following us as we left. As we step foot outside, rain welcomes us. Clouds are still darker than usual, longer than anticipated. We walk at a slow pace, my sister grabbing on to the wet silver railings as we pass the same street of last night’s incident. “The investigators are going to examine the knife tonight.”
“Will they be able to find the murderer soon, then?” There is a bit of an energy boost as she hears the news but is held back with grief once again.
“Yeah, possibility tonight. They will give me a call if they find anything.” My sister looks back to the ground in response.
We arrive home after a slow silent trip, knocking our shoes off towards the wooden shoe rack. “I’ll prepare lunch.” I grab some bread, cut two slices of tomato, cut some lettuce and prepare to cook bacon. I place two black pans on to the four heated stove, toasting bread on one pan, and placing bacon on the other. After a few minutes of flipping the bread and checking the bacon, I prepare to make our BLTs. I place our BLTs on our wooden family table. “Julie! Lunch is ready.”
We both sit in silence, eating our BLTs. Eating without our mother makes the family table seem pointless to attend, but we act as if she is still with us. Finishing our plates, I get up and head to my room to do my own investigation. “Julie, I am going to be busy for a while, okay?”
“Okay.” My sister has created a wall.
I get into my room, shutting the door behind me. I turn on my idle computer to wake from its slumber, soon followed by my monitor. Illuminating my face with light blue, I enter in my password and start searching the web for the location of the murder. There are a few articles about similar incidents happening, some dating back to recent months, the earliest being from a month ago, May 4th, 2024. Digging deeper into the articles, I discover about one man in particular, a tall black male that is about 6’4”, middle aged.
I research this man for about the second half of the day, coming to a realization that I haven’t made dinner yet. I open my door and make way to my living room, where I hear a news channel running on television. My sister is bundled up with her white bunny plushie, watching the news about our mother’s death. I look out a window, noticing a black void, and soon is followed by the same black figure climbing into the front window of my house, going straight for my sister. I lunge forward to the black figure, wrestling it, trading punches on the floor. My sister is screaming throughout the whole fight, but soon is silenced as the figure escapes my grasp and stabs my sister multiple times. I try to grab and strangle the figure, but the figure escapes by jumping out my window, dropping their knife once again.
I sit in silence, staring at the body of my sister, blood spilling out as she loses colour. “Why does this have to happen?” Void closes in on me once again, reality vanishing right before my eyes.
I wake up in an unfamiliar place, I am in a falling position, but I am not falling from anywhere. There is broken glass all around me. I look around and notice a figure, and it spoke, “Welcome back, how’s life?”
“Who are you? Where am I?” I am frightened by this event.
“Well, I am you, don’t you remember?” The area around us turned to a bright light, illumining the area. I am soon faced with the figure, and I realize the body is similar to the murderer going after my family.
“What sick joke is this? Why are you after my family?” My anger rises, still frightened.
“You mean, why are you going after your own family? You are the one killing off everyone you have left, don’t you remember?”
I step forward to the figure, but soon wake up in a hospital bed. “Must’ve been a dream, I guess.”
“Mr. Mason! Are you okay? Are you feeling well? You were knocked out in your home, along with your sister.” I am in a daze, feeling drained from waking up.
“Yes, I am okay. Is my sister alright?” I panic to await a response, hoping that my sister did not die that night.
“She’s alive, but in critical condition. You have been knocked out for a week, and the investigation has come to a finish. The investigators would like to speak to you whenever you’re ready.”
“Thank you.” I am filled with hope after hearing all the news. I lay in bed for a few more hours to recover and rethink everything. Feeling ready, I arise from my hospital bed and take a tour around the hospital to find my sister’s room.
I step into the room, looking at my sister. Then a doctor comes up to me and says, “She’s still unconscious, but her vital signs are active. We’ll update you if there is any change to her condition.”
“Thank you.” Before heading out of my sister’s hospital room, two older men step into the room and come up to me.
“Mr. Mason? We’d like to speak with you about the recent incidents. Come with us to the police station.” I am so close to finding out who this murderer is. Before heading out of the hospital, I sign some documents to update my records. The two are patient with me.
“Alright, I am ready to leave.” I drop the pen and walk out the main doors with the two men. They guide me to their four seated black car, and gesture me to go into the back of the car. For all of the ride, we kept silent as we headed towards the local police station.
“We have arrived. Let’s go inside.” The three of us get up, stepping foot into the same stone building I was in a week ago. Inside the building, we head for the interrogation room, a different one from last time. The room didn’t look so different itself, but the location is different. This time, a policeman is attending this meeting. I didn’t question the reason.
“So, we came to a conclusion of who murdered Jane and Julie Smith. It took a long time to verify the information as it came to a shock to the whole investigation team. After examining the two knives that the murderer left on scene, the system came to one person. That person would be you, Mason Smith.” I am confused by the results as the man spoke his words, but before I could speak, the other man speaks.
“Mason, we bring you here today to ask a few questions. In case you get violent, we have this police officer here to assist the situation.” My anger starts to fuel.
“How could this be possible? I saw the man myself! You must be framing me; I cannot trust you. In fact, I think you guys are the people involved with murdering my family.”
“Calm down, Mason. A witness from Witwerld Street sent us evidence of you stabbing your mother and beating yourself to a pulp. With the information tied together, we can assume you are the murderer in both cases. We’ll play the video for you.” I look at the video, seeing myself stab my own mother while punching my face.
“How could this be? This can’t be real.” I am in disbelief as I see myself holding my mother’s corpse, but soon am filled with sudden anger. “I see now. All of this is to get me, an incident citizen, into jail. What have I done to all of you guys to deserve this? Framing me with knives and now making a fake video?” In the corners of the room, black void appears.
“You can play this act up all you want, but you’re the murderer. Now, we can help you if you need it, but we need you to cooperate.
“Help me? You are digging me into the dirt right here!” I get up and try to leave the room but am pushed back to my chair by the back of a rifle.
“Stay in your seat!” The policeman is a mean guy. I stare into his eyes with anger, and notice the void growing at a quick pace, closing in on the policeman. The world is gone again. In a blink of an eye, I am faced with a broken mirror, seeing my own reflection. The area is filled with white all around.
“What is this. Why am I here?” I touch the mirror, and the shriek of broken glass responds to my ears as the area turns into a void. The mirror disappears, and soon the glass starts falling with me. After what felt like an hour, I am on my feet again. As I step foot, ripples of water respond. I start walking in a random direction, memories being showcased for a quick moment as I make a path.
“Oh, hey there. After all these years, you are here with me at last. Welcome back, Mason.” The familiar black figure that has been with me for this whole journey, has appeared. They are sitting on a white chair, cross legged. Droplets of rain appear, making a silent rhythm, and soon a flash of all my memories surround me, playing vivid loops of my life. Then, they disappear to the command of a snap from the black figure.
“Yes, I am back home.”
Note: I am not sure if I am able to post short stories here as there is no clear rule to it. However, based off my own judgement, it seems that it is acceptable. Anyway, I am looking for sources to upload my writings, and I ended up finding this subreddit. I would upload on Wattpad, but.. Yeah, I think I am good on that. My goal is to get additional feedback on my writing. I am currently in a creative writing class, but I want to practice further outside of that.

I am 34 AFAB I don’t take any current medications and I don’t smoke, I am otherwise healthy outside of this sudden issue. 5’4” and 158lbs.
So, this started with me suddenly getting an awful migraine out of no where on the left side of my head. It lasted for 5 days. I went to the ER yesterday and my blood test and CT scan showed not one thing wrong. However, my body still feels exhausted and my legs, particularly my thighs feel weak and tingly. When I walk it feels heavy like im walking through molasses.
What could this be? I have a follow up with my primary doctor on Tuesday. I will tell him how im feeling, and the testing that I did. What else could I consider getting looked at, or do I merely need to keep resting and hope it goes away?
I am eating properly and drinking plenty of water. No known allergies either. My migraine did stop after they gave me medicine through an IV along with fluids, the medicine they gave me was described as “a stronger ibuprofen”. However it did nothing for the fatigue I still feel.

I'm going to preface this by saying that despite it being a common practice, I'm going to refrain from using persuasive words and arguments, rather... I'll demonstrate why God is true by his power, by my testimony. Whatever happens, happens... So to that, I say... let it rip! Now without further ado...
Think of all the times you received good things that you didn't deserve, and despite all the times you've wronged someone. And the times things could've ended horribly but somehow didn't.
Such was my life.
I didn't think too much of it at the time, let alone as a nonbeliever, but even then, I always noticed how extraordinarily lucky I was to always have something or someone show up at the right moment when things were getting dark or having everything, even the bad, work out for the good.
I was born with a colloid cyst in the brain, which rendered me unable to talk (all I could do was just scream from what I've been told), yet thankfully my grandparents took me in, which led to my Nana having compassion on me and taking me to Easter-Seals where I got habilitated. Not just that, but I had all the teachers who treated me with nothing but grace, even in times which I honestly didn't deserve it, and that is an understatement! I was a terrible student who threw tantrums and rebelled against them, insisting on doing things my way, and I was nothing short of selfish. And despite all that I've done to them, taking them all for granted and being utterly detestable by my deeds, THEY ARE STILL REMEMBERING ME FONDLY AND CHEERING FOR ME! Any other person, if they dealt with someone like me, I can tell you for a fact things would be very different. And that includes the social workers there too, and all other staff.
At my former job, which I hated, though most people were hostile, and my time of working there was unbearable, there was always a few coworkers who treated me decently. And most of the good that came with my job came from my customers, which I've pretty much lucked out for the most part. But towards the end of my time working there, things were changing and there was no longer anything for me there, as the best coworkers have their shift end early and I'm left pretty much isolated. So, as the days pass, I'd find myself being on the verge of snapping, and I feared that I was gonna act out and do something I was going to regret. But then one day, I'd be working on that tobacco lane, and a girl would come into my lane to buy a pack of cigarettes. I didn't think much of her young appearance apart from it being a shame to waste her good looks. Turned out she was underage, and it was a sting operation, and that led to me getting fired. I could've gotten arrested for that, but nah… they simply let me go.
I'd normally be freaking out about that (the fired part, not the ciggys part), but instead, I felt peace. And things worked out in my favor, as about a month later, I'd get hired on the spot by a guy who turned out to have been one of my many customers, and he remembered me. And from there, in my new job (and current), I was treated like family by all my coworkers, and I couldn't be more thankful.
There is more, like meeting a good friend on that dating site by extreme luck, as well as a great therapist, which emphasizes always having something or someone show up at the right time. And lastly, with the part that led to me being saved: getting kicked out of a suicide cult.
Looking back, had it not been for any of that, especially in the last seven years, I'd either be dead, locked up in either prison or a ward, or better yet, remained mentally handicapped, which I've pretty much seen the fruits of that. But in the end, the more I reflect on those good things, well… the more my faith is solidied that there is a God, and he is GOOD. And THIS is His GRACE.
Before being saved, I've done a lot of terrible things, and I mourn for them; I was a womanizer who used to not only look at porn, but took advantage of girls I talked to on Skype, in needy positions. I've bullied people. I once molested my cousin at the age of 8. And in my selfish pursuit of my own death, I led people to their own, helping them kill themselves. And there was so much more; the list is endless. I used to not be so bothered by it and justify myself as being “more righteous than others”, but in the end, I'm a sinner who doesn't even deserve to live, let alone any good thing. Yet here I am. Shown mercy, being called out of the darkness I've walked and forgiven. As immediately upon believing, though not yet coming to the truth about Christ Jesus, all my addictions and vices fell off of me.
And though I was self righteous and utterly prideful, God was patient enough to humble me and lead me to the truth by His word, keeping me from getting yoked into false doctorines of doing works to be saved or going to “deliverance ministries”, and all that. And when I went through hard times, he was there. And whenever I fell short and ended up wanting to give up, I would be reminded of his ever-enduring love and grace as despite my errors and folly, he'd never let me go.
That is who God is, not just for me, but for everyone, and if He's willing to show me mercy and forgive me of my inequities, how much more will He forgive you if you come to him?
If this has meant something to you and you wish to also know the truth that sets you free, here is the truth:
We've all sinned against a Holy God, and because of our rebellion, we are deserving of condemnation, and none of our good works will ever be enough to save us. The law of God calls for perfection, and because we've fallen short of it, we are under judgment. But God loved us despite our broken and sinful nature, and He knows we can never do what He calls for us to do. So, out of his love, He came down in the form of his only begotten Son, Christ Jesus of Nazareth. He walked a sinless life, fulfilling the entire law of the prophets, to die a sinner's death on the cross, his BLOOD was shed, and he rose on the third day, that whoever simply believes on Him shall never perish but have everlasting life. And the moment you believe on Him, you are given a new heart, and the indwelling Spirit, who will lead you to all truths and guide you on the path of righteousness! And you are SEALED unto the day of redemption, and no one can snatch you out of His hand!

For we are saved by GRACE through FAITH, and that is NOT of ourselves; it is a GIFT of God, not of works, lest anyone should boast. (Ephesians 2:8–9)
not by works of righteousness which we have done, but according to His mercy He saved us, through the washing of regeneration and renewing of the Holy Spirit, (Titus 3:5)

And know that from my testimony, that all things work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to His purpose. (Romans 8:28)

Not that anyone at this gives a single flying fuck but I did this so I’m posting it. I have included all works from the main 13 albums and singles excluding
The b Side of yellow submarine as no actual beatle plays on it
Those German covers as they really aren’t so different from the original and I didn’t see the point
Unreleased material such as ultra deluxe or whatever the fuck and the l unreleased stuff from anthology (excluding the 3 last Beatles songs)
There’s a couple of unpopular opinions here so don’t go too hard on me I love them all in my own way,
214:WILD HONEY PIE: To be clear I don’t dislike the idea of the song, but I just think it’s a huge middle finger to the album. I can’t help but laugh at it as it is a mockery of Paul McCartney by Paul McCartney. I can’t help but think it’s what John thinks his little jaudy ditties sound like. However I think it’s horrible to have to listen to I’m not angry at it, just disappointed. It really could’ve been a good parody song, as it however. I think it’s a filler interlude.
213: BOYS: The original version is leagues better, and when it comes to the Beatles that’s saying something. I can’t think of anything that justifies the existence of this song. The only redeeming aspect is it’s refreshing to hear ringo sing sometimes, he does a fine job of it.
212: A TASTE OF HONEY Trashy song too sweet and pissy for me (for a great lack of a better term) Paul sounds bad on this, the whole thing sounds trashy. Drivel
211: P.S I LOVE YOU Does nothing for me.
210: SUN KING Oh a hot take. Or is it, I won’t count the medley itself as no one else seems to but if so I respect it way more than it’s placed. It’s a bit trippy but not to an extent of intriguing me. The translation to mr mustard is great but I’m not ranking that. On its own, In My Opinion, bad
209: PLEASE PLEASE ME Has everything that I dislike about the early work, especially the harmonica, fine singing but could’ve been synced better.
208: THIS BOY Forgettable and boring to me
207: SEXY SADIE Interesting song but not particularly good or interesting in my opinion. The stories of who’s it about however are worth looking into.
206: ASK ME WHY Might it have something to do with love. As you might tell I’m not big on please please me. This one blends in with the rest of the album
205: CHAINS Not an awful song but it’s not overly good. George’s vocals haven’t gotten great yet so he still could use some work. Perfectly bland song
204: DO YOU WANT TO KNOW A SECRET I am aware this song has a relatively large fan base but this is not for me at all. Sorry
203: THE END First off the “Oh Yeah! All Right!” Are indeed iconic. Everyone’s playing their heart out. Some of Ringos best work. But I don’t know, it doesn’t punch me like I think it should. I like this, but I should love it, and I don’t.
202: GOLDEN SLUMBERS Too repetitive for me to get into. This is the only Beatles song that could’ve been shorter. That’ll be ironic as I pretty much think every Beatles song is too short except this one.
201: ROLL OVER BEETHOVEN Berry did it better
200: ANOTHER GIRL I didn’t think anything of it at all to be honest.
199: TELL ME WHAT YOU SEE Fine, not that good, but fine
198: YOU KNOW MY NAME (LOOK UP THE NUMBER) They’re taking the absolute piss. I’m glad this exists but I don’t want to listen to it.
197: BIRTHDAY It’s a birthday song, you know, typical white album. Fine.
196: FLYING This is such a fucking vibe, not much after you’ve heard it the once but still, not bad at all for a mostly instrumental song
195: WHEN I GET HOME It wasn’t that bad, and it wasn’t that good
194: I WANNA BE YOUR MAN Eh
193: THINGS WE SAID TODAY Better but we’re not THE BEATLES yet
192: IM HAPPY JUST TO DANCE WITH YOU Somewhat memorable, kinda boring, not shit
191: ITS ONLY LOVE I’ve heard worse
190: I CALL YOUR NAME Not much to say about these particular songs, they aren’t shit but they’re not at that quality of good, these are the awkward songs.
189: REVOLUTION 1 I originally heard it on the white album and thought “wow that was really mid” the I heard the original single and I thought “wow they really fucked that song” still noice lyrics
188: JULIA Calm ass song. A lot of people love this song to bits but I just don’t relate to it that much, with age I expect to like this song more
187: ALL TOGETHER NOW I guess it’s fine
186: DON’T BOTHER ME It’s just meh
185: HOLD ME TIGHT Still meh
184: DIG IT I like this but it’s so short and non sensical I can’t put it any higher
183: I SAW HER STANDING THERE I like this, but it’s still a bit too sappy
182: BLUE JAY WAY This is a weird ass song. Very George. It has those uppy downy lyrics, there’s a lot to like here but also a fair few things that I don’t like, like the lyrics could have been more defined and worked on, and it could use some more power in the vocals
181: I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN BETTER Karmas a bitch
180: THE NIGHT BEFORE This one has better production but the same blandness that culminates in old Beatles music
179: WAIT There’s going to be enough hot takes on this list anyway so I will contain my feelings on rubber soul. Let’s just say the Beatles evolutions had a middle ground from lovey dovey 60s bops to the psychedelic rock they’re know for. That middle ground is rubber soul, not a bad album, but like the stage from a child to an adult, kinda messed up. This album has some re great moments. But it also has wait, which isn’t bad, but it’s not everything you would want from this particular album.
178: CRY BABY CRY It’s good, idk what else to say not Beatles good but I wouldn’t skip it
177: LOVE ME DO This song just makes you feel happy, nothing else
176: KANSAS CITY/HEY-HEY-HEY-HEY It was ok but I can tell this track wasn’t over fixated on
175: I NEED YOU You can tell it’s an older Beatles
174: DIZZY MISS LIZZY I know there’s a recent dislike for this one but it never fails to make me smile. It’s so fucking chaotic I love it, it does have its production flaws but John is singing his heart out. This is what I want from a Beatles cover track
173: IVE JUST SEEN A FACE Charming enough song
172: TICKET TO RIDE A classic I’m sure. Really has a nice groove and what it lacks in lyrics makes up for in sound.
171: ONLY A NORTHERN SONG I agree with the rest of the group that if this was on Sargent peppers it would be the worst track. However that’s not to take away from it. It’s a charming piece, it has all the elements of Harrison but overall it is only a northern song
170: SOMETHING Damn here’s the first one I might not survive. People who were on the fence before will probably switch to the ‘eh, fuck this guy’ field. I don’t dislike the song, it’s a good song, it’s a great love song but it’s a very expected feet. Every line while sung with excellence is very conventional, it’s tropey. Perhaps it’s too far to call it cheesey. And don’t get me wrong I love the simple cheesey songs a lot (just wait till you see where I put silver hammer). But this one just doesn’t strike a nerve for me. I did think the same thing about strawberry fields forever for a while before listening to it more so maybe it’ll crawl up the ranks someday but overall I think it’s a nice love song that has some great production but after that it’s overshadowed by the rest of the album.
169: ALL MY LOVING Yeah, it’s a classic, who couldn’t like it
168: MOTHER NATURES SON This one has a huge fanbase as well. It’s a good song, great use of imagery and metaphors. Doesn’t do much after that in terms of production and the way it’s sang, just a nice song to chill to in my opinion.
167: ALL I’VE GOT TO DO Again, short, sweet song
166: YOU NEVER GIVE ME YOUR MONEY Yeah this one’s interesting. It goes through a fair amount of genres for one song. On one hand its structure is something of a mess, however it still is a good listen, it’s cute in the best sense. The fact that it’s about Allen Kline is also funny if not a little saddening
165: IT WONT BE LONG Wasn’t long, still nice
164: ANY TIME AT ALL Just another comfrey Beatles song
163: YOU’VE GOT TO HIDE YOUR LOVE AWAY Although I think this song is a little overrated not bad
162: DEAR PRUDENCE I know I like this song a lot less than others do. It takes a while to get going but when it hits that euphoric moment you know I’m talking about it’s bliss, but the first half kinda dull
161: BECAUSE A little oddity on the Abby road medley that’s just, I don’t know, conflicting. If it where longer maybe I could decide if I liked it or not but for now it stays here
160: THANK YOU GIRL Sweet little song that gives you a warm feeling
159: LONG LONG LONG At this point in the white album that’s what I was thinking. It’s not bad but it could’ve been longer (no pun intended) and released as a single with the right editing. George Martin could make it work I’m sure
158: I WILL Here’s how I feel. I always like it when I hear it, but forget what it sounds like 2 seconds after.
157: IF I FELL Cheesy but still pretty catchy
156: AND I LOVE HER This is nice also
155: LITTLE CHILD Though the lyrics in 2024 sound a little ‘noncey’ that’s part of the reason why it sticks out to me. It always gives me a chuckle. Little child… the way he says “I’m so sad and LoNeLy” is so cartoony and I like it.
154: ILL GET YOU Yeah, good, fine, acceptable
153: BACK IN THE U.S.S.R This is why the Beatles beat the beach boys for me this. Classic song that probably had America tugging at there collars, just genius
152: ITS ALL TOO MUCH Again this isn’t bad, am I blown away, not necessarily. But this is a bop
151: THERES A PLACE I like this quite nice I think
150: A HARD DAYS NIGHT A lot of people love it, I just think it’s fine, good song I guess
149: ILL CRY INSTEAD These are the songs that are well produced but lyrically forgettable. This is one of ‘em
148: EVERY LITTLE THING I really like Beatles for sale, it’s so fun, it’s a fun album. Every little thing isn’t badly written but I listen for the music. George is good on this, ringos subtly great. Just wholesome
147: EVERYBODY’S TRYING TO BE MY BABY A song of its time, and quite and tie tapper if you ask me
146: WORDS OF LOVE A pleasant song for any day
145: DAY TRIPPER Nice melody, ok lyrics, good enough song
144:BEING FOR THE BENEFIT OF MR KITE When I first heard this song I didn’t listen to the lyrics, the ones I did catch lead me to believe that it was some sort of political song with mr k being some sort of satirical caricature. Upon second listen I realised it’s just a song about a circus performer putting on a show, I can interpret some lyrics as a reference to some political nature but I think it really boils down to a circus song. It’s giving me a sense of stereotypical Halloween music you’d hear with the way the rhythm goes up and down frequently in the same line. Just a fun little jingle. Also I believe if Paul had wrote it John would have hated it, many probably do hate it. What does everyone have against whimsy?
143: CANT BYE ME LOVE Cliché yes, catchy yes, enjoyable yes
142: THINK FOR YOURSELF Fine little song with not much to write about
141: FREE AS A BIRD I am quite conflicted on the 3 last Beatles songs. They are mostly John Lennon demos rather than Beatles mixes. I was of two minds including them but I thought I may as well because they are interesting to talk about. I don’t think these are as cash cow despicable as some would argue. A lot work has clearly been done to preserve them and restore them. It’s hard to look at this song on its own basis. On its own it’s pleasant, but overall I do not really know why they bothered to release it as a Beatles track, it feels very unbeatles to me but as I say I don’t dislike it, I’m just not sure on where I stand on its purpose
140: REAL LOVE I have the exact same opinion on this one I just like the song better
139: MAGGIE MAY I just think love the accents alright. How long is it 50 seconds? For the life of me I’ll never get why they didn’t make their songs longer. I fancy me chances with this one
138: DEVIL IN HER HEART Solid cover of a very good song
137: PIGGIES This one’s kinda weird. We all get the piggies are elite pricks but the way George pronounces dirt just sells me on it. Good effort, could’ve been longer.
136: EIGHT DAYS A WEEK I like it, don’t love it, it’s what you expect but it does deliver in that regard
135: HELP! Iconic, reasonably catchy, just wholesome man
134:IF I NEEDED SOMEONE Rubber soul being kind of quirky comes through softly but noticeably here
133: MEAN MR MUSTARD This song just flows man. I love the lyrics, like the instruments and how they bounce off each other. Just the right amount of absurdity. If only it were longer…
132: HELLO GOODBYE Classic, I do like this one, but you know I always forget how much until I listen to it again
131: LONG TALL SALLY A lot of people hate this one but I think it’s fine
130: TWIST AND SHOUT COMEONCOMEONCOMEONCOMEONCOMEOWWN
129: ILL BE BACK Yeah, not bad, not bad at all, rather good actually
128: TELL ME WHY Classes Beatles getting it right
127: TILL THERE WAS YOU You know, maybe with the Beatles gets too much hate
126: OLD BROWN SHOE Not one of George’s best and the mixing is jarring but the lyrics are very nice
125: FROM ME TO YOU Just a sweet song, nothing wrong with that
124: SHES A WOMAN Not much to unpack, Paul is good in this though
123: MICHELLE Everyone loves Michelle. It’s a dainty song that isn’t that great, but good, it’s just so quaint
122:THE WORD The n word. No love of course. Maximum corniness but still a treat to hear, Lennon sings it believably
121: WHAT GOES ON How eloquent, idfk
120: BAD BOY Now junior, behave yourself! I just needed to hear Lennon say that and I was hooked. Weird to release a cover as a single but I won’t complain
119 : FIXING A HOLE Fun psychedelia, bring the family
118: MATCHBOX Just a song on the struggles of life, Beatles style
117: ONE AFTER 909 Chaotic song that gets the blood flowing. Also regrettably relatable
116: GETTING BETTER The charm is in the McCartney Lennon dynamic. Paul says it’s getting better everyday. John says it can’t get much worse. Doesn’t that sum up those two quiet well. Just so vibrant. This era had so much colour.
115: FOR YOU BLUE Solid song, ain’t bad at all
114: ACT NATURALLY I like this song a lot. Ringo fits well for it, it’s playful, just so pleasing
113: I DONT WANT TO SPOIL THE PARTY Another underrated song from Beatles for sale.
112: BABY ITS YOU This is fun
111: MONEY (THATS WHAT I WANT) Good cover, maybe not as good as the original but you can just feel the mayhem going on through the speakers
110: YOU WONT SEE ME Mmhm, mmhm, yup, that’s some nice music
109: YOU LIKE ME TOO MUCH A playful, goofy ass song that has some great lines and a pretty fine beat
108: YOUR MOTHER SHOULD KNOW Heartwarming, just, heartwarming
107: YOU CANT DO THAT Not perfect but undeniably based
106: NOT A SECOND TIME A great story mixed with some simply beautiful descriptions making up a song that hits different form other songs of the similar nature
105: SLOW DOWN It’s the bluddy beetles mate, whatja expect
104: YOU’RE GOING TO LOOSE THAT GIRL The character in this story is such a dick but I just can’t help vibing with him. He’s such a cnt that he says he gonna steal the guys girl right to the guys face. That’s hilarious and I really like it
103: GOOD MORNING GOOD MORNING Gets too much hate for what it is
102: RAIN I don’t know what it is about rain that grabs me but every time I listen I just get drawn in, it’s very clean
101: MAGICAL MYSTERY TOUR ROLLUP ROLLUP. God I think this is so vibrant, so colourful, just really cool, great harmony, overshadowed by the rest of the album
100: MISERY Misery stuck with me, unexpectedly based for a first album
99: YES IT IS Yeah yeah yeah this one’s pretty good yeah
98: CARRY THAT WEIGHT I just sing this all the time randomly. It’s to the point, honest, fun. I don’t know what accents they’re singing in this time but it’s great. Not much of a lullaby though.
97: WHY DONT WE DO IT IN THE ROAD This one just makes me happy. I know it’s kind of filler but the way Paul increasingly hypes things up in his vocals make me smile. Big fan of this, thing
96:HONEY DONT I liked this a lot the first time I heard it and frankly I still do
95: IN MY LIFE When rubber soul gets it right it can end up like this song. And that’s a good thing
94: NOWHERE MAN Lyrically enchanting, some hot instrumentation. Production ok and a more memorable song from rubber soul
93: I FEEL FINE Yup this is fine
92: YESTERDAY A song you think is overplayed until you listen and it’s just so good. A real highlight from the early years, my favourite from help, a somber melody that is sang flawlessly by Paul
91: LOVELY RITA A song of a somewhat unlikely love that is different enough from the Beatles other love songs to stand out
90: WHILE MY GUITAR GENTLY WEEPS Why is it so low I hear you scream. Well to be honest FOR ME the verses while lyrically interesting don’t stand out in my mind. Obviously the chorus is incredible but it’s just as the rest of the verses which mind you are still good that bring it down for me. A song not really my thing till the chorus hits but still the fact that it’s there makes it worth the listen
89: HER MAJESTY Yes, I prefer this over while my guitar gently weeps. Moving on, I think this is a fun, tongue in cheek song that I always thought implied he was talking about money. Think about it, her majesty is on all the bank notes, she certainly doesn’t have a lot to say in that case, price changes from day to day. Paul loves it but to get it he has to get a belly full of wine to make it… think about it.
88: SHE CAME IN THROUGH THE BATHROOM WINDOW Ah, this one. The intrigue of the contrast of the chorus and the verses. One of my favourite from the medley
87: YOU REALLY GOT A HOLD ON ME With the Beatles being underrated again
86: TOMORROW NEVER KNOWS Look, I don’t dislike this song, it’s just a bit messy for me. There’s a lot going on and I like that but ultimately the trippy style is done better in other songs like day in the life. But I do like that George Martin on the piano isn’t half bad, he’s one of twelve fifth Beatles I hear
85: HERE COMES THE SUN I like George I swear. This song is really good and I like it but I just wouldn’t listen to it as much as some higher ones below. The changing of the seasons to describe a relationship isn’t new but it fit’s really well here I think.
84: IM SO TIRED Would be higher if it were longer, good, very good, too short
83: POLYTHENE PAM The fucking accents. Love the weird ass story of the gender ambiguous Pam and her drag persona as in a polythene bag. Just a fun character song
82: DOCTOR ROBERT My least favourite from revolver but still charming enough
81: WHAT YOUR DOING Just good
80: BLACKBIRD I really like this. I want to love it, but it’s so goddamn short man. Oh well what we got is still great
79: DONT PASS ME BY Weird, goofy, sung by ringo. A real gem of a song off the white album.
78: ROCK AND ROLL MUSIC A cover almost better than the original berry’s. Almost is still a hard feet to reach.
77: IM LOOKING THROUGH YOU The loss of a love has been done many times by these guys but this is one of there best
76: WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM MY FRIENDS The lyrics are kinda mid in my opinion but hearing ringo sing always has its perks
75: IVE GOT A FEELING Very good song, production a little iffy but not horrible, I think let it be is given too much shit for that
74: GOOD NIGHT They subverted my expectations with this one. What a way to end such a large album, I think this one is cute and light and just very sweet. Whispering is somewhat creepy though.
73: WITHIN YOU WITHOUT YOU We all know they were on a lot of serious shit during this era but goddamn the lsd vibes mixed with the Indian sitar sound is really fucking unique. And I like it, don’t love it but still
72: IM DOWN V good
71: THE INNER LIGHT V nice
70: BABYS IN BLACK This one strikes a nerve with me, a hood premise, John sings it well. A treat
69: ILL FOLLOW THE SUN Never got why people disliked this one. I had a theory that the guy in it is dead and he’s going away from his girl, you know, towards the Sun
68: RUN FOR YOUR LIFE More than inspired by Elvis but I can’t complain its a banger
67: PLEASE MR POSTMAN This is well suited for John to sing. I prefer this over the original maybe that’s controversial to say I don’t know. It’s great
66 : GLASS ONION The rocking beat is what hooks me at this one to be honest, the references are cool but a bit pointless
65: MARTHA MY DEAR Who doesn’t love dogs, just heartwarming. Just pure joy
64: IM A LOSER God this album doesn’t get enough love
63: MR MOONLIGHT I heard people disliked this one but John is really suited for this one. I do indeed prefer it to its counterpart
62: LOVE YOU TO Weird vibes, good track
61: I WANT TO HOLD YOUR HAND Just gets you grooving. Love it
60: DIG A PONY Nonsense song that sounds good in your ears, typical Lennon
59: DRIVE MY CAR Maybe overrated but still slaps
58: GIRL Love girl
57: SHE LOVES YOU Again one of those dancer songs that never fails to deliver
56: ANNA (GO TO HIM) Way better than the original, such a good cover, ah, bliss
55: NOW AND THEN You see is this the recency bias. I don’t think so I hope not but it feels like it is. Man I don’t know it just sounds like Lennon was going for something different and I get it. There was so much work that went into this I just don’t know. I do really like it.
54: I WANT TO TELL YOU Somewhat forgettable but when I hear it it comes rushing back to me.
53: GOOD DAY SUNSHINE Good vibes, peace and love you know
52: HERE THERE AND EVERYWHERE Somewhat cliché but idk I like it
51: TWO OF US I just love this. I don’t think it’s as badly produced as some claim (the long and winding road is evidently over produced but it still goes absolutely hard)
50: TAXMAN We can all relate to this. More relevant than ever, and will continue to be in the future I’m sure
49: WHEN IM SIXTY FOUR It’s so jaunty that I feel like it would belong in a cartoon but that just makes it better for me. I love whimsy
48: IM ONLY SLEEPING This is great
47: PAPERBACK WRITER Be longer please
46: WE CAN WORK IT OUT Longer be please
45: HEY BULLDOG Kickass bass playing by Paul. Lyrics that were just fucked together by John are somehow incredible. Ringos drumming on this one is really good too. Wow, for a throwaway song it works really well
44: NORWEGIAN WOOD (THIS BIRD HAS FLOWN) You can almost smell the pot off this one. Love Norwegian wood rubber soul at its best.
43: AND YOUR BIRD CAN SING Not much to say great song
42: GOT TO GET YOH INTO MY LIFE Iconic, great again
41: ELANOR RIGBY Maybe you’ll say I put this too low but I still like it to a great extent
40: LADY MADONNA One of their best character songs
39: THE LONG AND WINDING ROAD Epic song, great lyrics, sang fantastically, so good
38: SHE SAID SHE SAID Tripping balls but goddamn amazing
37: LUCY IN THE SKY WITH DIAMONDS Psychedelia on full force with this one. Some of the best imagery from any song. It’s charming and fun and at times mystical but overall Johns way with words really come to the top of the log pill with this track
36: I ME MINE In hindsight a song that highlights the way George felt the world around him was and he was probably right. I like the metaphor and the waltz aspect works more than any other of the Beatles attempts at the style, it’s a fantastic piece
35: THE FOOL ON THE HILL Oh I love this song so very much. The song has the fool as some sort of wise figure many (myself included) take to be god. And I like to think if there is a god he’s like this. Watching over giving the world his wisdom but we’re just to ignorant to hear it. Also the medieval sound is one of my favourite styles (love sunforest if you’ve ever listened to any of their songs) so the flute works just so well for me especially when it mixes with the piano. Oh I just love this song to bits it’s great
34: ALL YOU NEED IS LOVE The cheesiness is undeniable, the magic is unbeatable. This song is just such a good album ender. The chaos and randomness near the climax is such an incarnation of the love message and how it works as an organised mayhem. The anthem of love and joy and passion is overflowing and I really like this song, if you can’t tell
33: NO REPLY Oh the way people overlook this song is not right. Its well written, it’s well sang, everyone’s playing well, it’s delightful
32: HONEY PIE I know people hate this song however for me it brings me back into the 20s. It is a sweet ditty that works really well for me and I love this one
31: FOR NO ONE God I love this. It feels so personal and is reflective, as unbiased as it can be and just beautifully sang with no grit. It’s honest. Paul’s on piano here witch is always great. Ringos drums work well to I think. This one’s just brilliant
30: SARGENT PEPPERS LONELY HEARTS CLUB BAND REPRISE I love this, the best feels like fucking hip hop, it’s a nice way to lead into day in the life it’s just good no real flaws
29: SARGENT PEPPERS LONELY HEARTS CLUB BAND Well this is just a perfect way to start an album. Set up the setting, it explains why the music in this one’s a little different as it’s not the Beatles it’s Sargent peppers and that’s a good concept from the start. You get a real idea if what the world the album takes place in is like and you get a feel for the members of the band itself. Just a class act
28: SAVOY TRUFFLE Controversial one perhaps. I just like the song. The mixing is interesting, the lyrics are fun, I think George outdid himself with it, all just to mock Eric Clapton, hilarious
27: ROCKY RACCOON I know this one’s gonna be a war. Rocky raccoon is so listenable, and fun and encapsulating. Ringo is singing it in a great way. I just like it, ok, just my taste. If you hate this song and believe it should be burned than that is perfectly fine, but don’t undermine someone else’s opinion
26 : DONT LET ME DOWN Oh this one’s so powerful, grand, fitting really.
25: YELLOW SUBMARINE I have a fee that I’m not going to survive this list. Can I not like fun, that’s what this is, pure unfiltered fun. This song makes me very happy ok. Ringo singing it just gives it that relaxing feel. Yellow submarine is that kind of happy go lucky song I love
24: REVOLUTION After hearing its bastardisation this is just so refreshing. It’s about a peaceful revolution. It sure as hell doesn’t sound peaceful what with the two electric guitars blowing my speakers out. This one just sounds like a revolution should in a song, and it’s really very good because of it.
23: GET BACK Shit, shit back, shit 1. No I love this. This is such a vibe man it strikes a nerve, it sounds incredible (considering it was recorded outside) and it helps that everyone is clearly giving it there absolute all. Love get back.
22: OB-LA-DI OB-LA-DA I don’t know if this one is as controversial as it used to be but I know there are still some who fucking loath this song. I saw an article where it put this song as the worst the Beatles ever done saying that it was genuinely a horrible experience to listen to. I don’t know this song is just a tonic for a bad day, I will always feel a little bit better after listening to it and that really pulls it up the list. Don’t get the hate
21: A DAY IN THE LIFE Oh boy. This is so good damn it. The Lennon McCartney dynamic is the best it ever will be. Lennon reads the news of suicide and sees a war film while Paul dashes about in his chipper day. The rising orchestra is incredible, Ringos drumming is so different to other approaches in the genre. I can’t tell the scales of the strangeness and the depression aspect mixed with the weird ass ending it’s just an experience instead of a song.
20: OH! DARLING You can’t deny the power in this song, Paul gives it his absolute soul and it works for me, this rejection song is more of an explosion of emotions that gets you invested. Idk I like it
19: REVOLUTION 9 Well I’m dead, there’s no redeeming myself now oh well, however if you would at least hear me out on why I put number nine here then I will do my best. I love things that are different, things that go against the norm and defy expectations. And if we can all agree that revolution 9 is not what you expect when you think Beatles then we have agreed on something. This song (if you can call it a song) is doing for me something interesting. Celebrating the avant-garde while also making fun of it. It sounds impeccable. The mixing is superb, it makes full use of the stereo format. It makes me feel things, picture things, it’s a very interpretive sound that mixes together different instruments and words and phrases forwards and backwards to make something of a trip. This sounds like what a revolution sounds like, points getting muffled over time, being big and grand before shrinking into disarray. You can take what you want from the meaning but when I listen I get completely overwhelmed with feelings. It’s a collage of expression that is most certainly not for everybody but I think is a full on revolution in my head. That’s just how I feel
18: EVERYBODY’S GOT SOMETHING TO HIDE EXCEPT FOR ME AND MY MONKEY There’s some dislike for this one too but I think it’s just a complete rocker, the lyrics also make me chuckle a fair bit
17: THE BALLED OF JOHN AND YOKO I don’t think this one is that hated. I love it. It’s genuinely very funny some highlights being the what you doing in bed interaction and the two gurus in drag. John was highlighting his problems with the media in a way that doesn’t sound bitchy or like he’s talking down to the listeners. Very good song
16: ACROSS THE UNIVERSE God the imagery, similes and lyricism is so beautiful. This is a beautiful song. So elegant
15: SHES LEAVING HOME I was somewhat shocked to find this in some worst of the Beatles lists. The people writing it seeming to miss the point that it isn’t that biased. Sure it shows the hardships of the parents, how broken they are but it realises that fun can simply not manifest in some places and has to be sought out. It’s a real understandable song that is softly sung by Paul in a mystifying way.
14: I WANT YOU (SHES SO HEAVY) Fucking insane song, it’s like a ride at an amusement park it ramps up over time and brings you right to the heights that you wonder how it’s going to end. This song subverts that by giving it no ending, it just gets cut off, which is brilliant. It’s like a ride through hell. A decent into madness of desire in a way making it shockingly relevant.
13: OCTOPUSES GARDEN Kudos to ringo bro just wants to be under the ocean. Calm as fuck. Beautiful expression of the desire to get away from the hassles of life and responsibilities which I’m sure we all relate to. Also bubbles, what’s not to love.
12: HAPPINESS IS A WARM GUN It’s almost perfect, but goddamn it it’s too short. I love this thing but I feel it cuts off before it’s time is up you know
11: THE CONTINUING STORY OF BUNGALOW BILL I don’t get the hate for this one (well maybe I do but still) you got a fire ass spanish guitar. A balled of verses, a sing song chorus that feels like it’s taking the piss in a good way. Even an underlying message of hypocrisy and ignorance. Now I know that yoko is very loud on the song but honestly it just ads to the bizarre feeling that the whole song gives off, I love this.
10: YER BLUES One of the most explosive blues songs I’ve ever heard, incredible
9: STRAWBERRY FEILDS FOREVER You already know it’s fantastic, but that still shouldn’t take away how fantastic it is
8: MAXWELLS SILVER HAMMER … yeah, no joke. Listen it was on of the first Beatles songs I ever heard, if not the first. It has that jaunty Paul feel but then it hits you that it’s about a murderer and it just makes me take a step back and go damn, the Beatles could make anything whimsical. It’s so sing song while being so dark. Yea it is fruity but man I don’t know. The synthesiser near the end is also just really fun to me. It’s fun it’s nostalgic and I will always love it. Sorry not sorry.
7: HELTER SKELTER I applaud you Paul McCartney, you put everything you had into this one and it paid off
6: BABY YOUR A RICH MAN I don’t know what it is about this one I love so much, I’m not a huge fan of sitar but it works here. I like the lyrics. There’s a lot of interpretation around them but I always took it as a similar vane of the balled of John and Yoko where it is like a dickhead reporter asking John the questions we here Paul sing in a sense of leading him on and that they’re responding in the sense that these people nagging them about having money when most who were had money themselves. Just a thought.
5: COME TOGETHER Classic, genius rhyming scheme brilliant
4: HEY JUDE 2nd Best uplifting song I’ve ever heard
3: LET IT BE Best uplifting song I’ve ever heard
2: PENNY LANE A fantastic song highlighting the serenity in modern life that often goes unrecognised. It’s penny lane, what’s not to love
1: I AM THE WALRUS It’s I am the walrus. Lyrics are dazzling. The whole mixture of instruments and sounds the distortion making it sound like a dream at points. The way it uses the stereo medium is genius. The Beatles were geniuses. One of the best things ever written.

NOTE = "Skip to 9th Paragraph for the meat";
I've been doing Cododev's Node.js core concept course after hearing very great things about it in this sub. I'm a big fan of - - low level programming - rebuilding framework from scratch - diving deeper into source code
I've worked as a Data Scientist and an Application Developer (Flutter). Dart has a strong backend support but since I was a complete beginner in Backend, it was hard for me to straight away start with Adapters, Middlewares and Routing.
I tried express but it felt like cheating.When I say app = Express() I get a server. What the fuck is a server??? With Firebase and Cloud, I was getting even more confused.
I wanted to learn Go, Axum, Spring, Node and I was evaluating - actually wasting time without learning anything because everywhere they were using some framework which felt like a black box and I needed a low level guide that ensures i become a backend master by the end of it.
Characteristic of a good course is it just doesn't teach you the code, it teaches you the algorithm and constructs which you could use in any language or tool you wish and that's when I found out about Cododev.
Why I decided to go with his Node. js course - 1. It was talking about basics before even touching HTTP for 30 hours. 2. He talked about TCP for 9 hours, HTTP for 9 hours, Taught UNix and C for 8 hours and a lot more... it's 50+ hour course. 3. You shouldn't measure a course by its length, so here's the projects which that course has -

• A File System,
• Literally any simulation with Event Emitters
• Streams from Scratch, and again a File System that uses stream to move files.
• A chat application on sockets(inherited from Duplex Streams) and TCP Server(extends Event Emitters)
• A fucking Google Drive, file uploader on Cloud
• DNS Server
• HTTP on top of TCP
• Coding and Express like framework from scratch ( this one made me buy his course)
• A social media with JWT authentication
• Unix, C, Bash Scripting
• Ffmpeg and using it with node on a server for an online video editor.
• Compression and implementating algorithm on buffer, binary, hex level.

Course isn't complete yet, moduls that are left are - 1. Encryption and Cryptography 2. Worker Threads (and multi threading? I don't know if Node is multi threaded, but whatever sort of Parallelism you could achieve with Isolates) 3. Security 4. Taking a huge open source project and Reimplementing the backend in the framework we started building from HTTP section.
What have I learned -
I now understand Binary, Hex, encoding ,ASCII, unicode(utf-8,16,32,..n), bytes, bits, how they relate to each other.
I understand the event emitters.. Events, .on(), .emit(), and could easily read docs for any such structure like Servers( they're EEs)
I understand Streams, How data is moved across places through memory, storage and network. I understand processing(CPU%), disk usage, and memory usage (of node's + high watermark value).
I understand Readable, Writable, Duplex and Transform Streams, and could implement them without the functions provided on file handle and I could manage and tweak how much memory or processing any Stream would use.
I understand about internal writable/readable buffers, buffer overflow, sync and async passage, safe/ unsafe streams, data event, end event, error event, drain event. Pausing, Resuming and Destroying a stream.
And at the end, piping and pipelines because that's the battle tested way but now I know both of those works and could even tweak source code at will.
Requests, Response, TCP Connection, Socket - they are all Streams.
Literally the bit level control over data, processing and memory - he taught me that.
I understand File Systems very well. On a server and on a client device. With streams, you could create a fully functional File system which can copy, move, delete, rename, create, etc. We did that.
Then he started with Networking. That was a journey. For hours he talked about followup things - 1. Internet 2. How it works 3. Communication 4. Wired Communication through Cables(he already taught us streams which is how communication or movement of data happen in memory and internal storage) 5. Switch, Cables, IP Addresses, Mac Addresses, Routers 6. Networking Layers and IANA. 7. Physical Layer, Data Link Layer, IP/Network Layer, TCP/ Transport Layer, and Application Layer. 8. DNS, IP Addresses - IPv4 and IPv6. Ports.
I'm sure I have missed something but you get the gist.. Now the course started properly. We started talking about TCP.
He literally went into Specifications, Headers, and on the wireshark captured the segments and made me understand how data flows throughout the entire world. I learnt about TCP Server in net module. It's events and methods. Clients(Socket Connection).
We then very casually hosted this Server on AWS. Made multiple clients and created a group chat with just readable and writable streams pausing, draining and resuming with a freaking Terminal UI. I was never as thrilled and understood chat application soo well.
We made a TCP and UDP uploader using which you could send your local files to any server through network using Streams with just TUI. We built an FTP protocol of our own.
At this time, without even knowing what HTTP and Web Server, I was able to Reimplement parts of Dart Shelf - A library in that allows you to create Middlewares and all.. Like implementing Requests, Response, headers and Servers from scratch, because it's the same thing with different syntax.
I then started with HTTP module. First of all I understood that I have already implemented HTTP while trying to make different custom protocols on top of TCP. That confidence boost was enough to go further -
I understood - all the headers - content type - mimes, content length, transfer encoding chunked, three way handshake, ack, syn was already done in TCP. - http versions, http headers, and body, HTTP methods ( for requests) - create, put, post, update, delete, head, get, option, etc and Idempotency and why adhering to it is important. - HTtP Responses ( For Responses) - Informational Range(1), Success Range(2), Redirect Range(3), Client Error(4), Server Error(5**). - We read IANA and MDN docs
He then started creating an express like framework. We started listening from a Server and used on() methods and functions to manage routes and sending different requests with different status codes.
I saw how if I returned HTML by writing it on a Response stream, it renders the freaking website. Fuck! I can also send audio, image, or any file type in the body through writing on the Response Stream at any required processing or Memory usage.
We implemented a routing functionality, a request handler and easy file transfer protocols and json protocols. I learned parsing and Stringifying and how even that is a cost.
Overall this framework can create a server like app = express(); about which I had no fucking clue about a month ago. Does JSON Parsing, Has an FTP, Handles routing for any kind of backend api structuring and send status codes. All in a chained method format..
Right now, I have just started building this Social Media application in the course using which we will develop our framework more.. I'm just starting this part of the course...
Over all I've never felt so confident in my backend skills and I have noticed that no matter in what language I see the backend code in - go, php, rust, Dart, python, Java, bun, deno, c, cpp - I understand it all. Everything makes perfect sense.
And I have only completed 60% of existing course. Course itself is 60% completed. I plan to use Dart anyways in my Flutter Apps but the crazy amount of knowledge this guy "Joseph" has poured into a course is unsurmountable.
For someone really experienced or a low level programmer, this might not be a big deal for a person completely new to backend and with very little knowledge of system programming and Linux - this course has been a freaking godsend.
That was my experience, Node is awesome! Thanks for reading.

Physical reactions like eyes welling up, lump in throat, everything you might associate with crying - but no heaviness of the heart, mind feels almost numb, almost but not quite like you’re disassociating recounting what happened.
A recent example for me being telling someone about a person I used to care take who was mentally ill and some of things she put me through. I noticed I was on the verge of tears and I was confused by it because I didn’t feel it anywhere else. Almost like it was an annoyance because I felt like I was operating at the same emotional level as I was prior to the conversation. It didn’t feel like it was affecting me, it felt the same as if I were talking about the weather. But my body was reacting. I’ve been noticing this happens often when I’m talking about trauma I’ve experienced. Anyone else/any insight?

All things come to an end. But some only lie still, forgotten
This book is fantastic. I've been wanting to say that since I finished it a few days ago. There are books that you see mentioned all the time and to some extent you think "i'm sure its good, but there's probably some exaggeration in there as well". You expect to be let down and try not to get your hopes up too high. Because there's nothing worse than having high expectations and being let down. Well, The Blade Itself is a case where high expectations are well earned. The start was a bit slow for me. Random guy gets attacked in the woods by some monsters, then falls off a cliff. I was wondering "Ok. Where are we going with this? Is he the protagonist or just a walking dead guy meant to show the tone of the story?" But from that introduction this grows into a truly epic tale set in kind of a harsh world in which you'll see a growing war, magical powers returning, and different political players seeking to take advantage wherever they can. If I had to throw three important words out to describe this book it would be Action, Characters, Intrigue.
This isn't some power fantasy where the protagonist is getting into fights every chapter and steamrolling all of his opponents. But when he, or anyone else, gets into a fight it's a real, no holds barred, tip of the nose, bloody fight. Political/social intrigue is just as important, if not more so, because this is a case where the plot focuses heavily on the actual politics involved in running different organizations and gradually building toward, what seems like it'll be, a new world war. And at the heart of everything it's the point of view characters that bring it all together and make you want to keep reading. Kudos to the author for actually making them all distinct. There are a few similarities between some of them, but this isn't a story in which you'll be confused when switching from one to the other.

Thoughts

It's a sorry fact that the man who strikes first usually strikes last
In my opinion, this story is kind of a giant subversion on classic fantasy tropes. I'd say the "main" protagonist is Logen Ninefingers, a viscious northman with a bloody past who seems to be trying to change for the better. But that past keeps coming back to bite him as he associates with old enemies and, more importantly, comes into contact with the mage Bayaz who wants to use Logen for unknown reasons. And that's one major subversion right there. Bayaz and Logen come into contact because Bayaz sent his apprentice to find Logen. Bayaz didn't do it himself. Bayaz and Logen aren't old friends. Bayaz didn't know Logen's father (Or if he did it isn't mentioned here). Bayaz knows of Logen, needs him for something, and sends someone to fetch him. He does the same with another protagonist from a different region of the world named Ferro Maljinn. In fact, the group of companions that has formed by the story's end were all gathered by Bayaz, mostly through him sending his proxies to find them. And he clearly has some mystical quest planned for them all, but this isn't a story about destiny or fate leading a group together. It's not about friends reuniting or one man gradually gathering a group of trusted friends who he saves on his way. It's all the manipulations of Bayaz setting these characters up to follow him, as if he's moving chess pieces on a board. And its brilliant.
Bayaz himself is not the stereotypical wise wizard. Instead you have this solidly built, bald, arrogant man who will set a group of men on fire, be physically taxed by it, and keep going on his merry way. He's not providing words of wisdom, he's speaking in riddles and keeping his cards close to the chest. He looks down his nose at his apprentice constantly and clearly believes he knows what's best for everyone. In turn you have Logen who is trying to be better, but constantly struggling to do so and by the story's end he completely loses it to what could be called a more bloodthirsty alter ego (The Bloody Nine) who proceeds to kill the enemies before him like a maniac. Ferro, who in another story might be a noble freedom fighter after having escaped slavery, is in some ways just as harsh as Logen, seeking to cause as much harm as possible to the people she despises (And notably being pretty damn racist as well lol). None of these characters, and there are more I haven't mentioned, are who you'd expect them to be in a classical fantasy novel, but it's handled so damn well and I love it.

Points of View

Why do I do this? Why?
Apart from Logen and Ferro there are 4 other point of view characters.
Collem West, an aging soldier from a poor background
Dogman, a northman who was in a group with Logen right as things went to shit at the story's start
Sand dan Glokta, former soldier, current cripple and member of the King's Inquisition
Jezal dan Luthar, nobleman and aspiring swordsman who is too lazy for his own good
I'll say that Ferro absolutely gets the least amount of focus, probably followed by the Dogman right after. Collem and Jezal are actual friends at the story's start, so even when you're following one of them the other will often appear as well. Glokta will pop up in their segments too, and vice versa, since all 3 of them are located in the same city. Overall, i'd say this is an excellent example of handling different points of view properly. It isn't just because the characters have major differences between them, it's about how the writing divides page time between all of them. Furthermore, there's an overarching story that all of their narratives play into even though individually they aren't aware of this. It's fun to see something like Jezal reacting to Bayaz, wondering why the Mage seems so interested in him, and right afterward you have Glokta looking into Bayaz to see if he is who he says he is. Things like that not only kept me interested, it built my interest in the story as it went on because I wanted to see which characters would end up interacting by the story's end.

Logen

Mercy, the man was like a child. A six and a half food child with a face like a butchers block
All of the characters are great and could have carried a story on their own, but i'd like to take a moment and say Logen was my favorite. There's something so tragic about this guy who has clearly lived a bloody life, references it often in almost everything he says or does, who does seem like he wants to change, but clearly can't change. A really interesting segment was when he first arrived in Adua, the nation's capitol. Having always lived in a completely different land that has a suitably different climate and landscape he reacts as you'd expect him to. He panics. He is lost in a crowd, finds it to be stifling hot, doesn't understand the way people react to him or how they treat one another. I'd say he was on the verge of passing out from a panic attack to be honest. He is a foreigner in a strange land and he reacts as such. It's a generally small moment in the entire book, but it's one of my favorites because it shows a level of thought that you don't see from every author. That's how a character like Logen should be reacting, but more often than not things like this aren't even touched upon. And when he's trapped by enemies at the end with no hope of escape, wounded and covered in blood, he finally loses it. The beast inside himself that he hid away the entire time finally comes out and you can see why his enemies who know him tried to get rid of him. You can see why he does want to move beyond that and why he is adamant that the world probably would have been better off without him. I'm repeating myself, but it's all done so well and I love it.

Conclusion

The blade itself incites to deeds of violence
I'm willing to say that if the next 2 books in this trilogy are written as well as this one i'd place the series on my list of favorites. There's so much i'm not mentioned, but I was very impressed and it was a pleasure to read. Sometimes when reading a book can feel like a chore, because you're not really enjoying it but you want to finish it. This is a case where I became a kid again, staying up later and later to read one more chapter, my mind constantly turning over the events of the book to wonder what would happen next. I was lost in this story and it was actually fun to read. Very violent, bloody, and sure to have a bittersweet ending when all is said and done (I have the feeling that both Logen and Collem will probably die), but absolutely fun. I suggest it to anyone who enjoys stories like Game of Thrones/A Song of Ice and Fire or books with multiple POV characters for you to follow.

Hi everyone, I'm looking for thoughts from those in good/successful marriages in this thread. Please, no trashing of spouses or wild accusations. Just help me put my experience in perspective vs. yours. Thank you in advance for reading this long post.
I and my husband (34M, 38M) have been married for 3 years and together for 7. We've had a lot of love for each other and our relationship has been such a surprise and gift for both of us - we both have expressed our deep gratitude for each other in the past, since we both had given up on the possibility of a happy marriage when we came out (before gay marriage was an option in the US). We used to have lots of fun, and still do sometimes, we often do acts of service both small and large for each other. We are both very responsible and have similar values - sometimes it's almost literally a race to do more chores before the other gets to them (thanks, Catholic school + oldest brother syndrome!). And, we used to build each other up and make each other feel good about ourselves, both through what we said, small notes, or even bring proud of each other around our family and friends. We are attracted to each other and have sex regularly. We exercise and are both reasonably happy with how our bodies look. We both have excellent relationships with our families and are close with our dads, not common among gay men. I like my in-laws, he tolerates my parents admirably and gets on well with them. We are agreed on not having kids, and that's never been an argument. I trust(ed?) him more than anyone I'd ever met and could let my guard down around him. I've felt lots of love at a deep level.
We've been in marriage counseling for a year now, and it's not going well. We both feel pretty despondent, like our marriage is in serious trouble. He recently told me that he'd been envisioning restarting his life somewhere else without me, and I recently told him I'd been harboring an intrusive desire for him to leave me so the pain would stop.
I want to know if you, the happy spouses of reddit, have ever hit the particular wall that we have, how you got out of it, and what your marriage looks like now:
Our arguments have many onion-like layers to them, but the core from my perspective is lack of empathy and compromise. We start by disagreeing about something - as small as "what art should go on this wall," up to "do we throw away this object that's important to me," and even "should we buy this house" and "should we have a wedding or just go to the courthouse." Since the start of our relationship, I have been pushing us toward good communication: I will ask him what he's feeling and why, affirm and tell him that his perspective makes sense to me and why, and ask for ways in which we can come together for a decision (what would feel OK to him). He does not want to do the same. His opinion is that "we can both be right" is BS and is a roundabout attempt to get what I want over him, and that I'm the one not compromising. One of us is right, one of us is not, and he "thinks with his heart" -- meaning that his thoughts are his emotions, and I am being asked to empathize with his analysis of a situation rather than the feeling he's having. My emotions cannot be valid or respected when he disagrees.
Our couple's therapist has been trying to coax us into communicating better. She sees the empathy problem. But we keep trying, and it doesn't change, the pattern above just repeats when we're with her in-person. I know by now this is deep-seated within him, brought about by his past and people who have manipulated him or broken his trust. I have been in individual psychotherapy for 15+ years, and I have asked him to go himself so many times that the well is poisoned and he's not going to do it.
His perspective is that I've shown myself to be untrustworthy by particular asks for compromise, like wanting to adjust plans after we've made them if I feel overwhelmed, or wanting flexibility on how much time I spend on other aspects of my life. My job is personally fulfilling for me, and the schedule can change dramatically with intense months and chill months, and he sees it as competing with him for my time and affection ("the job is the mistress").
This post comes as I've been feeling more and more awful about myself over the past few months. The lack of empathy becomes a dismissal of how I feel and what I want, what my needs are, and the boundaries I try to set. My own psychology is that I turn the negativity inward, and start to question if I am indeed as wrong as he says and implies, and feel guilt and shame about what I'm asking for. I don't want my marriage to break down my self-respect, but on the other hand, I know that I am a sensitive person and I know that good feelings about myself and my worth have to come from within me alone.
I've asked trusted friends and family for their thoughts and have gotten mixed messages. Some think that empathizing with a partner is core to valuing their happiness, as in, if he doesn't care about making me feel bad then it's a big problem. From this view, wanting input in our decisions is a valid request, and spouses should be our most trusted people who we can come to without fear of invalidation. Others think my standards are too high, and that empathetic communication like this is a huge ask that's not always possible. The suggestions then become to give him what he asks for when we argue like this, since material possessions don't matter in comparison with how important and rewarding a marriage is. I would preemptively remove myself from situations where my boundaries could be violated at all (example, avoiding travel together). And, when we hit a non-negotiable where he insists that I'm wrong, like when he accuses me of prioritizing my job over him, it becomes my responsibility to not internalize it. Take the marriage for the good that's in it, and look to get my emotional needs met elsewhere through a better support system of friendships. I see both perspectives, but I don't know how they would play out in a marriage long-term if I chose one path or another.
Assuming this is it, this is our life, and that he's not going to change, I'm trying to see ways forward.
Your experiences much appreciated.

Hi all, After reading a lot of post here recently, I kinda wanted to tell my story to give others perspective about treatment options. Obviously, this is MY story and everyone here is different. My experience will not be the same as yours, and I am not a doctor telling you to try these options. But I have had a lot done, and I think it might be helpful if people understand what they can try.
I appreciate everyone who reads even one section of this saga. I am happy to answer any questions that people might have. Again, this was my journey and these things might not be the best options for you. But I want to highlight that pain, itself, is not the disease. It is a symptom. Find doctors who will help you find the cause of it. Sometimes it's difficult to pinpoint the source of pain, but there are options to try different things.
Part 1: How it Started
In 2007 I was 17 years old. During the summer, I got a job working as a bus boy at a reception hall. One night, I was sweeping the floor, nothing different than normal, but I suddenly had intense shooting pain down my hip and leg just from the way I bent down to sweep. That was all it took to set me off on what would be a long life of pain.
I remember the sciatica being really bad during this period. My parents and I were taking care trips to look at colleges and sitting in a car was torture. At some point they told me to see a chiropractor so I started doing that on a pretty regular basis. I went to college in 2012 and continued to have pain. There was always constant pain but I would always have times when it was much worse and it was painful to even walk normally. I recall having my parents visit and I was limping all day because I couldn't extend my left leg out fully.
I continued to see a chiropractor in the area for maybe two or three of the years I was away at school. Chiropractor never really helped though. During one of the summer breaks, I went to a chiropractor who had this decompression machine that would literally strap you down and pull you apart in an attempt to relieve pressure. It never helped. I am pretty sure by this time I already had an MRI done that probably showed some level of lumbar herniation so I guess that is why I wanted to try that type of treatment.
Chiropractics is not a legitimate science. I hadn't realized this until later in college (I was a biomed major). Their theories on spinal health do not align with known medical science. Some chiropractor align more with real medical science, but a lot of them only believe what the area of chiropractics says. I strongly recommend NEVER seeing a chiropractor, especially if you have back pain. It could be dangerous.
Part 2: The First Surgery and More Treatments
So when I graduated from college in 2012, I sought out an orthopedic surgeon. We did more MRIs. I can't recall if we tried anything more conservative first, but I did end up having surgery with him in 2013. We did a microdiscectomy and hemilaminectomy on both L3-4 and L4-5. Recovery from this was about what you would expect. Lots of bed rest for maybe 6 weeks or so, but I recovered well and went to PT for a couple of months. I think the surgery was successful in treating a lot of the serious sciatica I was having. But I was still having some level of back pain months and months after. I was then seeing the pain management doctor at the same office as the surgeon, and we tried a LOT of different additional things. Facet joint injections specifically, trigger point injections, medications. Nothing ever helped. I still have this pain in my low back and it was difficult to bend over without bracing myself, and there were times when I would get sciatic pain but not nearly as bad as it was before the surgery.
At one point I went to a rheumatologist because the pain doctor did some blood work and found I was positive for a gene that is related to ankylosing spondylitis. I was never actually diagnosed with this, but we tried to medications (I think maybe methotrexate but I could be wrong). The rheumatologist ended up putting me on humira, which looking back was a odd decision without actually officially diagnosing me with anything. Humira is a monthly injection, and I think after two months, my pain actually got a lot worse, and I stopped taking it and never went back to him.
For the most part after this, I was just taking Tramadol an naproxen to deal with my pain. I was going to the gym and doing what I could, but often the gym would exacerbate my symptoms. It was just difficult to do anything without feeling weak and obviously, it definitely contributed to some depression.
Part 3: New Pain Doctors and Spinal Cord Stimulator
In 2016, I got a new job that brought me into NYC and I now had access to great insurance and a wide array of great doctors. I found a new pain management doctor and tried a lot of things with him. He put me on Nucynta at some point, which is a narcotic, though I would only take it when I had break through pain. Pretty quickly, only a couple months after in 2017, we decided to try a spinal cord stimulator since I had already tried all these other things with other doctors.
I had to see a neurologist who would be doing the actual implanting of the device. I also had to see a phsychiatrist to get I guess "mental" clearance that I was in sound mind to be making this decision about a medical device implant. Not sure if that was just for the insurance or something the doctors also require. Before doing a full implant, they actually do a test run. I guess I had gone under general anesthesia for this, but they implant the wires (explained more below) and the wires come out of my skin to an external device and all of that is taped down to my low back. They do this so that they can make sure you actually get relief from the device before all the time, energy, and money is spent doing the full implant. I had it for a couple weeks, and decided to move forward. They had to remove the wires from me and scheduled me for just a regular office visit, and I was thinking well how the heck are they removing these wires from me. Well, it was very easy. They literally just pulled the wires right out of my back. Didn't feel anything. It was wild.
I have a Nevro brand stimulator impanted inside me shortly after. Surgery and recovery were as you would expect. I don't thinm recovery was as long as my back surgery was. There is a little 1x1 inch square box that sits above my right glute, around where my waistband would sit. There are two sets of wires that run over my spine to the left side (so I can actually feel the wires right under my skin at this part) and then they go between my vertebral space and then all the way up my spinal canal to my thoracic area. At the end of the wires (aka "leads") there are several evenly spaced electrodes and these are the functional part of the device. From what I understand, they send small electrically pulses very rapidly against my spinal cord and the idea is that these electric signals will over power pain signals coming from below, effectively making my brain blind to sciatic pain. It came with a remote to change the settings and a charger that uses a wireless pad that you hold over the box to charge. I had to charge it ever two or three days. The technician from the company does the initial set up (they device doesn't operate until you are recovered from the procedure and see the technician at your next office visit, I believe). The technician will turn the device on wirelessly and play with the settings and ask you to tell them when you feel something as the increase the magnitude of the stimulation. When you feel it, it does feel like a little electric buzzing in your back. But you aren't supposed to feel it at all, so they the turn it down just below where you felt the sensation. The remote has a couple different programs that I could change through that the technician programs, I guess changes in the frequency of the pulsing or things like that. I could also increase and decrease the magnitude within a set range, but for the most part I never messed with any of the settings. Nevro has a care team that I can contact at any time with questions or concerns and they will follow up with me occasionally to see how I am doing.
Part 4: Life After the Stimulator
I always had the stimulator on, and always said that it did help alleviate the residual sciatic symptoms I had, but I still had this low back pain that wouldn't go away. I continued to see the pain management doctor and we tried so other things. More trigger point injections, medications, etc. He had me on what is called "Low dose naltrexone" which is essentially a very low dose of an existing drug, used off label for chronic pain. It had to be specially made at a compounding pharmacy because the dose you need isn't commercially available. I tried that for a couple months and can't say it helped. In fact, I think it made me very nauseous a lot of the time. I remember I had to stop drinking coffee at one point because the taste of it would make me feel queezy, and one or two times I ran to the bathroom because I felt like I was going to throw up. I decided to stop taking it.
After that, I mostly just lived with my stimulator and dealt with any pain I had (hadn't seen the doctor since 2020). I was going to the gym someone regularly at this point, but like before it would often increase my pain symptoms so I would need to take extended breaks from exercise.
Part 5: Recurrent Herniation
At the beginning of November 2023, I started to feel something new. I was starting to slowly get sciatic symptoms again and was having flashbacks of my symptoms when I was in college. I was starting to get sciatica in both legs, and my right foot would sometimes start going numb if I stood for too long. It was getting more and more severe. Within a few weeks, I had to stop commuting into work because the pain was getting so bad. I contacted my pain management doctor who I hadn't seen in years. Their office was telling me how since I hadn't been there in so long I had to be treated as a new patient and the first opening for a new patient was like 2 or 3 weeks out. I was pretty angry at them about this. I mean, this doctor did the implant of the medical device that I have...should that not exempt me from this rule? Its not like this was an appointment for an unrelated issue. Anyway, the first available appointment was with a different doctor, but I was desperate so I saw him. He was not helpful. I was basically begging for pain meds and he was like welllll the other doctor should really prescribe you something because he knows your case better. It was such a a waste of time.
About a week or two later I did in fact see my original doctor, and he had the Nevro technician come because he thought it could potentially be an issue with the device. The technician found that there was "impedence" on one of the leads, a couple of the electrodes weren't working as they should. So she did some adjustments to compensate for that. I have it a week or so, but that did not fix the problem at all. I stopped charging the stimulator altogether because it wasn't doing anything for me. I had to start using a cane to get around because if I was standing, I needed something to lean on so I didn't have to keep my back straight. It was getting very difficult.
The doctor had me get a regular CT done, because I cannot get an MRI due to the stimulator (the stimulator itself is actually MRI safe and I think most of them are not, but because of the issue with the electrodes, my Nevro care team told me I could not get an MRI). So I and the CT and I could see it myself. It was absolutely clear that there was a herniation at L4-L5. Clear as day. So I had a video call with the doctors assistance soon after and to my dismay, they suggested treatment was to get an epidural to reduce the pain. Here I am, knowing full well that my symptoms and the results of the MRI are definitely worthy of surgery, and they want to give me just an epidural. I asked her about surgery and she said something about not opting for surgery until exhausting other options. I said okay. After the call, I immediately reached out to my friend who worked at the Hospital for Special Surgery in NYC. She actually works with the director of Spinal Surgery. Immediately, I was in contact with him and his entire team and they moved quickly to get things moving. I regret not having reached out sooner.
Part 6: Prep for Second Surgery
So the first thing to do was get better imagining. Since the MRI was out of the question, I had to do something called a CT Myelogram. Oh boy this was not a fun diagnostic procedure.
You need to be accompanied to the appointment because they will be giving you some very light sedative. You are hooked up to an IV, and they bring you into a room with a special x-ray table that rotates so you can be either laying flat or raised up so you are nearly standing, and the X-rays can be taken from many different angles. The doctor there take a couple of initial scans to find the location where they go in. I am queezy just talking about it right now. What they need to do is inject contrast dye right into my spinal canal. An epidural goes AROUND your spinal canal, but for this they need to pierce the dura and go in.
So they do local anesthesia and then take quite a large needle and go in. It is painful because it is going so deep. But God, you can feel the piecing of the dura layer when the needle goes through. I immediately feel my body hating it. Then they inject the dye, and you can feel that sort of cold sensation spreading across your back. And then he takes the needle out. I start to get VERY hot and am about to pass out, so they put some ice on the bacm of my neck and give me a minute to come back down. They also gave me some IV zofran to help with nausea and some IV sedative for the pain Thankfully it passed. But that wasnt even the difficult part.
Next, they have to make sure the dye gets into all the crevices. So the doctor rotates the table to different angles and has you try and bend in specific ways. It was incredibly painful to do. When he had me in an almost standing position, and the pressure of the dye was increasing my leg pain beyond anything I had experienced so far. It was really difficult. But once they are satisfied with the X-ray that shows the dye has spread well, they send you to the CT scan. Once I was laying down again the pain subsided and I was feeling better. They did the CT scan and then rolled me back to the recovery room, and by the time I was back in there I was feels 100% back to normal and had no issues getting up and walking. So that was that.
The image results were very telling (gunna try and include them here or in a comment if I can). The point of this type of imaging is that the contract dye with spread anywhere that the CSF can go. You should be able to clearly see the space all around the spinal cord, and if there are spots where you don't see the dye, you will be able to see what is causing some problems. It was plain to see how severe this herniation was. It was compressing my spinal cord and pushing it all the way to the back of the spinal column.
So the doctor said we have two options. A microdiscectomy or a fusion. We decided to do a MD though I would be okay with a fusion. Well guess what, two days before the surgery the doctor changed his mind and said that after reviewing the imaging again the best course of action would be to do a fusion. I was very excited for that.
Part 7: The Fusion
So at the end of Feb 2024 I had my fusion done. It was your standard surgery, nothing too crazy. Recovery was tough though. Basically with a fusion, they take out the herniation and most of the disc and they put this rubbery block in there that contains bone graft. That is what is going to grow to fuse the two vertebrae, but that process can take a year to fully fuse the bones. So they put in four screws, two in each vertebrae, and join them together with rods. This holds the bones together completely so that they do not move independently. They are essentially fused at this point, but only with the rods.
For recovery, the first couple days were difficult, mostly trying to stand up from laying down because I had like no low back strength. The pain was also pretty constant so I was taking a lot of muscle relaxers and narcotics to help me stay asleep as much as possible.
The surgery area was quiet large. There were two large bandages and two small bandages and the entire area was covered in a large adhesive patch to keep everything clean and dry (it was also very orange from the iodine). So I could shower without worrying about it. Within two weeks I was moving around a lot better. I might have stopped using my cane at this point, though anything that required me to reach forward, like washing my hands at the sink, was difficult because it would require back strength. By 2 weeks, the bandage had because really really frustrating. The huge adhesive patch was causing my skin to become itchy and irritated, and I could see they I was starting to develop some red bumps like pimples underneath. Thankfully 2 weeks was the point I could remove it (after my first follow up call with the doctors team). So I took it off which was not easy. The whole area was soooo sticky, I tried to remove a lot of the stickiness with either rubbing alcohol, soap, or Vaseline. I was able to get a lot of it off but some stickiness still lasted for several days. There will tiny bandages over the incision sites that covered the stitches and those would eventually all fall off themselves. I had two larger scars at the top where they did most of the work of cutting out the disc and putting in the graft, and then two tiny scars lower down where I assume they put in the screws for the lower vertabrae. My back does not look pretty.
I started PT at four weeks was doing better but still had a weak back and was very cautious with my movements. Did PT for 12 weeks and made a lot of improvement. I was back to how I was. The fusion 100% fix the issues that this new herniation had caused, and it was such a relief to finally have a procedure that was totally effective. However, the back pain that I had already had for many many years was and is still there and I am still not certain what is causing it.
Part 8: Now
I am about 20 weeks out of surgery and am still doing great. I still do not use my stimulator and don't plan to, but having to get it removed would be a really huge pain. I have started to actually go to a gym again and life weights to stay active. I am mostly convinced that this low back pain I still have is really muscle related, caused by the years of instability, and that I can address it by strengthly my core muscles and following my PT exercises. I think a lot of these muscles issues, like trigger points, can mimic sciatic symptoms. Knowing what REAL sciatic symptoms feel like again, this pain doesn't feel like I have a herniation pushing on my nerves. So I am going forward with that in mind and trying to deal with this pain muscularly.
As for the fusion, I don't notice any new limitations in my movement. I avoid rubbing the area because I could feel the rods if I rub it hard enough. But I feel normal. I had a follow up with the doctor with another X-ray and everything looks great. I am hoping that this can be a turning point for me to really live as close to a pain free life as possible.

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With the use of ancient and forbidden magic, a handful of Mages erased the collective memory of the world, turning many innocent practitioners into mere Sleepers. Only a few trusted folk were left with access to the Runes, and the vast majority of those left with power united to form two sister organizations: The Exodus Corps and the Genesis Corps. One to oversee mages, and one to look after Sleepers.

“Okay, two things.” Tav interrupted once again. “First, I have never heard of any of those, so I assume they either died off or are a secret.”

“Correct on both accounts.” Mustafá nodded.

“I guess Genesis is no more then.” The youth blinked. “Anyways… So we are dealing with Exodus now, which has the power to erase and rewrite memories!? What hope do we have against power like that!?”

The alchemist closed her eyes. She agreed, full heartedly, that such tremendous power shouldn’t be in the hands of anyone.

“I am unsure if such magic is possible anymore, with the changes in how information works and flows in our world.” Mustafá shrugged softly. “But it is not worth it to worry about that, at least not for now. May I continue?”

With Tav’s nod, the old mage continued her story.

The arrival of the Age of Silence did not stop the efforts of humanity for complete control of Jericho. More and more magical beings were erased or enslaved, for people considered them an abomination against their new understanding of the world.

Until everything reached a breaking point.

Mustafá glared for a moment, falling silent and taking a sip of her tea before resuming.

One day, all of a sudden, all magical creatures disappeared from the face of Jericho, apparently at the same time. And soon after that… a mist began spreading through the entire world. A thick, malicious fog carrying horrors of flesh and bone to Jericho, turning animals and humans alike into abominations which had been hidden in the imagination of men for the longest time.

The survivors came to call this cataclysmic event ‘The First Sacrifice’, and it is thought to be the revenge of the forsaken Presences of Jericho, and the many displaced magical creatures.

“It took centuries to rebuild the world after that.” Mustafá said, looking into her cup of tea. “It was terrible for everyone involved… and now, a little beyond six hundred years later, we are facing the start of a Second Sacrifice, a return of the same mist that once covered the world, and the horrors that come with it.”

Storytime was over. Tav’s eyes stared into the middle distance as she tried to imagine it, a fog so thick that could cover the Sun in its entirety. Nightmarish beings roaming the land, death for everyone. She shivered, closing her eyes and trembling for a moment before looking at her teacher once again.

“Wait. How do you even know it is coming? How can you be so sure?” The youth questioned.

“I learned to see the signs, the shifts in the mana of the world, the changes in the Third Layer, the apparent reduction in the amount of unexplainable events.” The alchemist sighed, before forcing herself to admit. “I am not the only one who has been fearing this, nor the only one who has confirmed its coming.”

“H-How long do we have?” The apprentice was starting to feel the pressure. “Is there something we can do!?”

“I don’t have a specific date, but I know that it must happen this year.” Mustafá shook her head, setting her empty cup on the table. “As per what we can do… the book must be the answer. It was written by one of the greatest minds from the First Sacrifice.”

“Humiko did look like the sort of person who knew things…” Tav mumbled mostly to herself. “... Where will it all start?”

“The North Pole.” The teacher nodded softly.

“That’s where we have to go as soon as this book is translated, then. That’s what her introduction said…” The young one finished her cup of tea in one gulp, setting it down as well. “Let’s get to it.”

If Mustafá had the power of smiling right there, she would. Her lips curled up, ever so slightly, as she nodded and cracked her knuckles, walking over to the pile of dried clothes and pulling her turban out. She couldn’t teach without it, at least she felt that way.

“Where’s the iron? I wish to iron my clothes.” The alchemist stretched lazily. “Once that’s done, we are leaving again. We will practice in your assigned Elysium.”

“Isn’t that a bit dangerous? Anyone could see us.” Tav asked to divert from the fact that she didn’t exactly remember where her iron was.

“That’s the point. You need to be seen, at least a little bit, before people stop suspecting you of being evil, or worse, a leech on society.” Mustafá, catching the nervous glances of her apprentice, just sighs and conjures both an iron and an ironing board with a flick of her wrist.

The younger one sighs in relief, before she suddenly realizes something.

“Wait, if you can just conjure stuff like that, why did we have to go to Obuda for bread!? Couldn’t you just summon or create the bread instead of paying for it!?”

“I am not good at making bread.” The alchemist answered, setting her clothes on the board and plugging in the iron.

“Oh but you’re good at making electrical appliances?” The apprentice grew rowdy.

“One.” Mustafá began counting with her fingers. “I am not creating these, I am technically summoning them from my apartment. Two, I am very good at making electrical appliances, thank you. Three, you can only create the objects that you actually understand, so even if I know how bread is made, my lack of talent for baking means my produce will always be inferior to an actual baker.”

“Oh…” Tav frowned. “I guess that makes sense…”

“Four. Just for that, you’re ironing my clothes.” The teacher walked back to her seat.

“Argh, you bitch…”

Knowing that arguing with this woman was useless, the apprentice sighed and got to work immediately, politely leaving the underwear on the side to work with the rest of the clothes. She had her limits.


Honestly, when I started thinking and hearing about Elysiums as magical places, I was expecting something far more mystical or something. Not that there’s anything wrong with a mysterious building in the middle of the city, no; I guess these hideouts need to keep appearances up so people don’t come around making the wrong questions, but… a Cat Café? Really? I didn’t even know we had one in Saüle!

Entering wasn’t a problem, for the place opened quite early in the morning. Soon enough, Mustafá and I are sitting on a puffy couch, in the middle of a warm and comfortable living room decorated with pastel colours and many figurines of cats… not to mention the REAL cats, gathering around Mustafá like bees to honey while completely ignoring me.

She doesn’t look really happy about it.

“The more magical potential you develop, the more you start attracting cats. Or repelling them. It’s a coin toss, depends on the cat really.” She explains with a sigh. “That’s why cats make good familiars.”

“So familiars are a thing, huh?” I tilt my head.

“Of course they are a thing. Did you really think no one would try magic with animal companions? They are dumb as bricks, but useful if you are into that.” Mustafá clearly wasn’t into that, gently pushing the cats away from her as they purred and seeked her attention. “Shoo.”

To keep appearances, and to enjoy the delicious hot cocoa they serve here, we decide to stay a bit in the actual café… but soon enough, Mustafá grows restless and annoyed with all the attention and demands we go into the Elysium proper. Right when I am finally managing to bond with a silly but loving orange cat! I don’t even manage to make the silly lasagna cat joke when she pulls me by the arm and takes me over to the kind lady tending to the café.

I don’t even get the chance to speak when suddenly my teacher pulls out both of our credentials. For a moment I think her mad… but then, I try to put those feelings down and trust her. She is my teacher now, after all! She’s supposed to know what she’s doing.

“Ah…” The lady nodded, recognition in her eyes. “Sorry, I didn’t know you were kin. Let me register your entrance.”

Mustafá probably feels my eyes on her, asking questions in silence, because she immediately says:

“Most Elysiums, except for the more public ones, have a guardian that keeps tabs on who enters and who exits them. The members of the Brotherhood are fascists.”

I immediately tell her to hush up, checking to see if the café lady heard her. Luckily, she seems busy looking for her note book. With a sigh, I turn to Mustafá and shake my finger.

“Don’t. Say those things. We all think them, we all know they are true, but we don’t just call a pig a pig to its face!!” I can feel the strength leaving my body as I tell this to her. Her lack of common sense is killing me.

“You’re way too soft.” She simply says, shrugging as the tending lady returns with an open book. “Put your thumb on the page and sign your name.”
I do as she says, even though there’s no ink to dunk my finger in or anything. The paper itself takes the print from my thumb and I feel a little burning sensation on my skin for a few seconds. With a wince I pull my hand off, shaking it for a moment and then taking the pencil to sign my name besides the black print.

Mustafá does the same soon enough, without even caring about the burn, and then we are both directed to a door ‘in the end of the hallway, to your left’. She just lets us leave, just like that! Not even doubting our intentions or anything. Again, I turn to my teacher as we walk through the hall.

“What was that all about?”

“To avoid people using glamour, which is a thing by the way, to sneak in with other identities, they use special paper to reveal your real identity using your fingerprints.” She shrugs.

“What, can’t you change your fingerprints with magic?” I grin, feeling smart and subversive.

“No.” She answers calmly, turning to the left and facing a wall in the hallway. “One of the aspects in which Sleeper Technology has surpassed us is the ability to modify and take care of the body.”

Now that takes me by surprise.

“So there’s no magical medicine?!” I say, louder than I intended.

“You can make magical remedies and enhancements, but magic can’t directly warp the body in any shape or form.” She explained, looking for the Phi symbol carved in the wall. “We are too dense, too attached to our body… It’s also forbidden to even try. We don’t want to end up with another ‘Flesh Sculptor’ situation.”

“A what situation?” Now that has to be made up, I demand for it to be made up.

“Ah, here it is.” Mustafá ignores me once more, pushing a finger against the symbol on the wall and letting her magic do the rest… I watch the octarine travel through her body into the wooden wall, forming a round door leading to a set of stairs. “Come.”

“No, seriously, what was that about ‘Flesh Sculptors’!?” I follow closely to her, watching our access into the dark stairway close right behind us.

“Don’t worry about it. They used to be a great number of them among the necromancers, but lately it’s just an old wives’ tale. Something to make little kids wet their pants.” Again, the damn crone (because I am sure she’s far older than she looks) comes so close to smiling it is actually a bit unnerving.

Honestly… the more I learn of this magical world, the more scared I feel.