Just wanted to let people here know how important it is to advocate for your health. It’s never a bad idea to trust your gut and get a 2nd opinion on something if you feel something isn’t right. When my pap showed normal cells and that same doctor said she saw nothing concerning on the colposcopy I begged her for, I didn’t believe her and got a 2nd opinion. Turns out I actually had CIN 2 and needed LEEP. During LEEP he happened to see VAIN (vaginal wall lesion) and removed it while he was in there. A few months later I had redness at entrance and gyno wouldn’t biopsy or even do a vulvar colposcopy when I asked and said not to worry.
I had a PAP back in February that was negative for HPV on the walls and the cervix. Thought it was all over and could live my life again. Then I started having more redness and eventually a whitish spot near my vaginal entrance. A few weeks ago I went to a dermatologist who said I have lichen sclerosis and she also would not biopsy when I asked her and she said she was very sure I did not have any kind of vulvar dysplasia (VIN).
Yesterday I went to a vulvar specialist who is one of the top in my state. She saw nothing with her naked eye or even the colposcope but when she applied the acedic acid, it unfortunately reacted and she believes I have VIN 1.
So the pap failed me, the first doctor who did the colpo failed me. If my pathology comes back VIN, which it likely will, my gyno who did the LEEP dropped the ball on my vaginal entrance issue when he wouldn’t biopsy back in December and the dermatologist from a few weeks ago also dropped the ball by diagnosing me with lichen without a biopsy (which should always be done with suspicion of lichen to not only confirm the diagnosis but also to rule out VIN.).
I have had to FIGHT and PUSH for my life for nearly a YEAR now to get the answers I knew were true in my heart. I’m shocked and confused at how different every single doctor is.
Please remember HPV is almost always not an issue but do not be afraid to advocate for your health when you know something isn’t right.
And make sure you are seeing an experienced and thorough doctor. I cannot stress that enough.
Lastly, be sure to check yourself with a mirror and report any changes to your physician.
YOU KNOW YOUR BODY BEST.
Well wishes

Anyone know a good male fertility doctor in Bakersfield?
If you have a quick run down of what the process is like please explain & how much does it cost on average. I’ve heard about test that can get shipped to your house but I haven’t done my research on them. Thanks.

I'm a newer nurse. It'll be a year in July. Nursing is not my first career, I went back to school for it. I'm 25. Work in a mixed ICU, full time day shift (in the south so you know we aren't paid well lmao). Not entirely MICU, we do a LOT of neurosurgery but we still get cardiac patients and classic MICU patients. I learn something new each shift and I have an amazing team I work with. I know I'm a good nurse for only being one just under a year. I ask questions, actively seek out learning opportunities, offer help to my coworkers, talk through issues with my coworkers, advocate for my patients. I research stuff while i'm at work so I can better understand disease processes or why we are treating with this method versus that method. I'm not afraid to ask the doctors why we are doing XYZ and I love learning from them.
However, I think I'm starting to reach a limit?? I have a sleeping disorder and awful IBS, among other stuff. My work lately has made me feel so so weak on my days off. I'm so nauseous the morning of my shift, I can barely keep food down some mornings. I'm losing weight, my hair is falling out, my face looks sunken, and I feel I've hit a wall.
I work at an Ascension facility so it's especially AWFUL right now with the systems still down and will be for weeks apparently. Holyfuckingshit this past stretch of shifts is making me want to leave before I even hit a full year at this hospital. I'm getting a heavy feeling that the nurses are still being expected to pick up ALL the slack for a MASSIVE INSTITUTIONAL ISSUE THAT GOES ABOVER OUR PAY GRADE. We are getting blamed for meds not being given on time BUT PHARMACY IS ALSO BACKED UP AND THEYRE DOING THEIR BEST TO TREAD WATER TOO (or the order is misplaced in the chart)!! Orders are all over the place because it's paper orders.... we are writing out our own MARs but stuff is getting missed. Our ICU patient PAPER CHARTS are the size of an encyclopedia series its absolutely ridiculous. ALSO so many of us newer nurses were never taught how to properly paper chart and do all of this "the old way." Med pass that would normally take a few minutes now takes twice sometimes three times as long. Blood bank is backed up too. Every department is backed up.
We are drowning. Even experienced nurses at my facility are hitting the wall. Those who used to do paper charting said it wasnt even like this. One of our charge nurses cried the other day. Hell, I cried multiple times these past few shifts as well - out in the open too! We all have been flying by the seat of our pants. Our healthcare system is cracking before our eyes. If youre not at an ascension facility you better pray your facilities are beefing up their IT departments cus yall might be next (😭)
Before the system even went down, I was starting to read more into OR nursing or something more procedural. I love comforting patients before a big procedure. I love working on a team and having a common goal. I love being a support person to whoever is doing a procedure or even to just the patient/family. I also would love to look into wound care or IV access. But I want to stick it out until I've been an RN for at least a year?
My body is begging me to take a break but I feel so inadequate admitting I want to switch areas of nursing and I'm not even a full year into being an RN. My few tried and true coping mechanisms (I'm a long distance runner and climber) are on pause because my body is TIRED. So I'm trying to spend my days off doing something else but I really miss running.
any thoughts, advice? anyone else feeling the same? I know this is all over but i needed to let this all out.

Basically , im looking for a first time birth control , im 21 i have a daughter , i dont have access to doctors right now due to insurance issues , but im in NEED! of a bc like asap. i have no clue about any of it at all, what exactly is it? what does it do to the body? how is it different from the kind the doctor prescribes ? how does it effect your period? im over here in a state of panic lol reading all these things so i can understand what goes into my body before i just jump to take something

So I have struggled with adhd and with adhd medications on and off since I was 4 yrs old. I have tried almost everything you can think of. I have tried every single nonstimulant, adderall, ritalin, concerta, vyvanse, wellbutrin, and adzenys. I have even tried weed.I have tried not medicating, eating healthy, getting more physical activity, reading books about organizing and even getting coaching, and even changing my sleep schedule. I went to my doctor who is basically like a doctor you would see on a college campus. I told her about my adhd symptoms and she decided to put me on wellbutrin at first which did not work and then guanfacine. I would not have any issuess with this if it were not for the fact that I have tried this and it was like taking a sugar pill. I tried to give her an example of a med that worked and she yelled at me ”no that med!”. I tried to explain that it has not worked in the past in the calmest manor i could and she just gave me some excuse about how me being on testsoterone might make guanfacine work. I am very skeptical of this because she prescribes this med to everybody that has adhd on campus and also because one of the nurses who took my t-shot for me made me get reevaluated for adhd because they did not believe me about having it. Any advice because I feel like I am losing my mind trying to be taken seriously by doctors and am about to give up. Sorry for the formatting, whenever I post stuff it will not let me indent or use paragraphs.

So, this comes up because i'm AuDHD, and I would get serious imposter syndrome about how I don't feel like im having autistic struggles like other are. I wasn't having meltdowns frequently, I wasn't getting super overstimulated, I wasn't having sensory issues as bad as they were in the past. I didn't feel like I should be allowed to call myself autistic. Then because of a schedule conflict, I wasn't able to fill my risperidone before I ran out (first time in a ≈1½years not taking it), and oh boy, did I notice a difference. I learned that my risperidone helps me with my autistic symptoms so much that I felt like I didn't count as autistic.
There was still external signs, people are told that I'm on the spectrum and that's the piece of info that was missing and took me from really wierd to making sense. But my risperidone made me able to control my emotions so I wasn't having serious meltdowns frequently.
I'm not saying that you should try it, that's up for your doctor to decide, I just want to know what's your experience with medication.

For anyone who has been following, I've been sharing everything I've learned about living well with Chiari without surgery to this sub for the past few weeks. Here are links to previous posts:
Living Well With Chiari - Without Surgery
Take a Life Inventory
Reducing Triggers
The next step for me was Improving My Overall Health. Living well with Chiari starts with living well everywhere else.
Meditation:
If you’ve heard it once, you’ve heard it a thousand times. Meditation is good for you. It’s not a woo woo thing. It’s a creative thing.
My first real experience with meditation was with Dr. Joe Dispenza. His book You Are the Placebo was the catalyst that started me down another road--one that didn’t involve doctors who didn’t know what to do with me, and reliance on prescription medication.
The catalyst for major change in my life, and my introduction into healing myself.
If you haven’t heard of Dr. Dispenza but you’re at all interested in changing any facet of your life, health, personality, or habits, he’s worth Googling. The guided meditation that accompanied You Are the Placebo was intended to change something about my health by helping me create and connect with the version of health that I wanted to experience instead. Every time the mediation ended, I felt strong, empowered, and hopeful. And I don’t think it’s any coincidence that today I feel (almost) as good as the version I created in my own mind, long before I saw any physical change in my body.
We forget--especially when we are sick and in pain--that we have so much more power over our circumstances and our bodies than we realize. Dr. Dispenza seeks to remind us of who we are and what we are capable of, and show us how to actually change our minds to change our health.
You don’t have to get on board with Dispenza (though you can find his free meditations on Youtube). Admittedly, his work goes deep, and you might not be interested or ready to go there. Any meditation, even sitting for five minutes of quiet breathing is going to help calm your raging thoughts and the body that’s probably feeling too much.

Hydration:
Simple, right? Drink more water. Fluids in a well-hydrated body flow better, and let’s face it—for those of us with crowding at the back of our skulls, flow is vital. Flow is life.

Put Good Stuff In:
Fruits and vegetables
High quality vitamins/supplements—the best you can budget
Detox—naturally with food or with the help of a detox program. I have done Alejandro Junger’s Clean program a few times, and felt amazing afterwards. It’s an easy to follow program outlined in his book Clean. You don’t need to buy the food/supplements from him (I didn’t) but that used to be an option—not sure if it still is. I also use the supplement Clean Slate by Root.
Juice—and not the kind out of a bottle. Juice your own fruits and vegetables for a nutrient bomb to your cells. Check out the documentary Fat, Sick, and Nearly Dead if you want to see how beneficial fresh juice can be.
Smoothies—some would argue it’s better than juicing because with smoothies you keep the fiber. I like them because they are a great way to get nutrients into my body quickly.

Limit the Bad Stuff:
This should be a no-brainer, but it’s very easy to get caught up in habits and not as easy to change them.
Prior to the Chiari diagnosis, I smoked for a few years. I’m not proud of it, but there you have it. As soon as the Chiari pain started—which was triggered by coughing—it was easy to quit. I haven’t smoked a cigarette since.
Alcohol was a different story. I have a long, complicated history with alcohol. For part of this journey, red wine actually helped relieve the coughs, and that’s part of why I drank 1-3 glasses every night for years. I kicked that nightly alcohol habit in January 2024…long after it stopped being necessary to keep me from coughing. Now I’ve noticed that if I do partake in a few drinks, the Chiari wakes the fuck up with a roar. It honestly takes the fun out of a cocktail! I had to be several months out of that habit, though, to realize how much better I felt on a daily basis without it.

Essential Oils:
I know, I know, they aren’t for everyone. But they’ve helped me so much that I will post separately outlining how I use them with Chiari.
Enzymes:
I debated mentioning this because I know they won’t be available for everyone. Since they do play a significant role in my overall health, it wouldn’t be right not to talk about them.
The enzymes I’m referring to are made by Loomis, a company that specializes in enzymes for nearly every organ and system in the human body. The catch? You need to order them through Loomis practitioners. Until a few years ago, I happened to work for one. If you’re interested, you can search for a practitioner near you from the Loomis website.
These aren’t your average digestive enzymes (though the importance of a healthy gut cannot be overstated). Mostly I use certain formulas to help ward off that old familiar foe: the cold bug. Just as I never go a day without essential oils, I never miss a chance to take certain enzymes at the first sign of trouble. And like the oils, they’ve done exactly what I need them to do.

you are capable of more. and there is better for you than the way you probably feel if you found this post.

This is just the beginning. It’s true that nothing changes if nothing changes. And changes—even positive ones—can be hard, especially when living with Chiari can suck the life right out of you.
I feel better. Genuinely better. Most days I don’t experience any symptoms. It’s not magic, but I had to pull myself out of the dark and make some changes. If I can do it, so can you.

I have fully got over my reddit drama so i'm gonna try to avoid commenting on reddit hashtag try to but if I have someone try to get my attention don't bother I won't respond even if I do decide to respond it would probably be a one time thing and now to say I can confirm I am a former victim of mental abuse I won't explain it in full details but I will explain what I had to go through when I was living with my grandmother I had to go through mental abuse I never felt safe in my grandmother's home my grandmother always yelled at me even when I did nothing wrong my grandmother was mentally abusive to me she constantly yelled at me even when I did nothing wrong she always believed any lies that was told about me like one example I can remember was on March break 2018 my uncle told my grandmother that I stole the school snacks when I was at my mom's house laying in her bed sick all throughout March break then when I turned 20 years old on July 15th 2019 my grandmother decided since i'm almost an adult she could use my credit card I didn't know I had to buy smokes and made me go in debt then in 2020 which I admit became a very bad year for me first on twitter and deviantart I got accused of defending a youtuber called Cryaotic second I decided to push myself at school due to how I took my teacher's words which I now realized that she didn't mean her words how she worded them my teacher told me if I don't try my hardest then I won't succecced in life which I took her words that if I don't try then I will never become anything in life so I spent all my high school year doing school work I took no breaks aside from washroom breaks but drinking water didn't seem important to me it got to the point where my teachers kept telling me that it was great that I'm refusing to give up on school work but you need to take a water break or else you're gonna dehydrate yourself they told me that everyday but it eventually got to a point where my teachers knew that I wasn't gonna get out of my seat and resolve to give me a water bottle everyday then one day I decided I didn't want to live with my grandmother anymore so I went to my mom crying to her saying things like mom I don't wanna live with my grandmother anymore she's mentally abusive I want to live with you which my mom responded to me saying sure you can live with me you're 20 now you're old enough to make your own decisions then when I went to my grandmother's house we got into a fight and argument and I made the mistake of telling my grandmother how I felt about her and my grandmother kicked me out of her house she stopped doing things for me the last thing I remember my grandmother doing for me was her taking me to the doctors when I twisted my ankle my grandmother didn't even celebrated my 21st birthday with me during July when my mother asked my grandmother if she had anything planned for my birthday cause my mother wanted to know which my grandmother responded nope I don't need to celebrate your daughter's birthday you can celebrate your daughter's birthday by yourself I guess my grandmother thought me and my mom were gonna celebrate my birthday by ourselves but on the day of my 21st birthday my mother invited my siblings my boyfriend and friends of my mom to come to my birthday but my grandmother decided to be a bitch and complained to my mom about her friends cars blocking her driveway so they had to move their cars my grandmother even had a habit of throwing my friends and my boyfriend into blame when they had nothing to do with whatever my grandmother was blaming them for I haven't talked to my grandmother for years now and I tend to keep it that way I don't see my grandmother as family anymore all I see her as is someone who was a mental abuser and someone that abused my trust one thing I will admit is I believe in ghost and guardian angels cause I have seen them same with spirit animals which my spirit animal by clan is a wolf and that wolf spirit is everywhere with me I even own wolf items such as a wolf necklace a wolf blanket a wolf hat a wolf poster and wolf plushies I won't say all of the names of my wolf plushies but I will admit I name most of my wolf plushies after youtubers again I won't say all of their names but some of the names of my wolf plushies are Dawko(named after the youtuber Dawko) Jackmanifold(named after the Dream smp member Jackmanifold) Skydoesminecraft(named after the youtuber Skydoesminecraft) Punz(named after the Dream smp member Punz) and Foolish(named after the Dream smp member Foolishgamers) the last time I saw my grandmother was at my great uncle's funeral which I first heard about my great uncle's death was from my mother on that day I loss my story on wattpad to a false report my gaming chair broke and I broke my thumb nail off my gaming chair so I called my mom crying my eyes out telling her that my gaming chair broke and I broke my thumb nail and it was hurting which my mother told me that she's at the hospital with my great uncle and will talk to me when she gets home so I ended up calling my mom's friend to help me cut my thumb nail then when my mom came home she told me that my great uncle died and I took his death the hardest which I also realized on that day me losing my story to a false report on wattpad my gaming chair breaking and me breaking my thumb nail was spirital signs that I was gonna lose someone on that day and I loss my great uncle then when my mom asked me if I was going to my great uncle's funeral and that my grandmother was gonna be there which I responded to my mom saying that I will go to my great uncle's funeral but I'm not talking to my grandmother which my mom responded to me saying that's fine Destiny that's your choice if you want to talk to your grandmother or not so I went to my great uncle's funeral I talked to my family members that went to my great uncle's funeral but my grandmother cause I wanted to stick to my word which I barely shed a tear at my great uncle's funeral which I believe is probably cause I spent all of my time greiving for my great uncle at home but that's all I have to say about myself plus to add if I see a comment saying something about my grammer or puncation I will delete the comment and block you but to those who choose to stay and listen thank you

Join V.&Me in conversation with Dr. Aziza Sesay.
As our doctors or general practitioners (GP's) are our first point of contact for any medical conditions, Dr. Sesay knows as no other the importance of her role. With a passion to inform and support, she runs a platform called 'Talks with Dr. Sesay' sharing health information about common conditions on a variety conditions specifically in womens health.
In this episode we have an open and honest discussion about her own experience and her findings as a GP, and gives helpful tips of how to best prepare when seeing a health professional.
So please make yourself comfortable (or take us out for a walk), and join Dr. Aziza Sesay and I while we reflect and get real about vaginismus and much more.
Follow V.&Me on your favourite podcast platform or find more details on instagram @ letscallherv
Click below to find the newest episode: https://vaginismusletsnameitnotshameit.buzzsprout.com/

https://www.patientcare.va.gov/lgbt/
I get 100% of my healthcare through the VA. I have no service connections (disability). It’s pretty crazy how much they have under one roof. All providers are able to see your entire chart and I’ve been helped out by many with getting referred to specialists I would never have thought to ask for, simply because they’re all able to see everything.
General primary healthcare
Nutritionist
Case management (super helpful for navigating the VA system as well as getting veteran resources outside the VA)
Hormones
Therapy
Psychiatry
Voice feminization training
Laser hair removal
And several other things including various therapeutic group things
Another fun bonus thing is that your health information can be synchronized to your Health app on your phone. I have a complete medical history right there for me to keep track of including all bloodwork and diagnostic stuff and literally any bit of information that they add to your chart. Right there.
Sadly they don’t yet offer gender affirming surgical services yet except for every specific cases. See link down below.
You’d be surprised what things count as a disability. I’m about to be connected for having astigmatism in my right eye caused by months of being on a periscope. I didn’t think simply “now I wear glasses” would count as a disability but hey I’m not complaining.
You can also be referred to civilian providers on the VA’s dime if they don’t have the means to provide it themselves within a reasonable drive distance.
You can get reimbursed for literally any mile you drive to any scheduled appointment. My VA doesn’t have the equipment so I drive from Albany to the Manhattan clinic for laser and get roughly $180 back every time.
I completely get the skepticism of the VA but for real they’ve changed A LOT especially for LGBT vets.
Each clinic has an LGBT coordinator who can be a fantastic way to start the process.
https://www.patientcare.va.gov/LGBT/VAFacilities.asp
Copied from their website:
Gender Affirming Care at VA Information for Veterans VA provides a wide range of treatments to all eligible Veterans. Gender-affirming transition-related care plans are personalized based on your goals and your health. Talk to your treatment team to see if these services are right for you.
• Gender-Affirming Hormones: Your primary care team can help you with hormone therapy if it is right for you. Medications aren’t a goal for everyone and they have both risks and benefits. The team may involve an Endocrinologist. Talk to your treatment team about your family building goals and fertility before starting treatment.
• Pre-treatment Assessments for Gender-Affirming Hormones: In the U.S., all prescriptions are linked to a diagnosis the medication is treating. Providers will talk to you about your gender identity and your goals for treatment and consider if a diagnosis is appropriate. Blood work and other tests may be needed before hormones are prescribed.
• Voice and Communication Training: Speech Language Pathologists trained in gender- affirming treatments can help you train your voice and movements to align with your identity. This care is sometimes delivered through telehealth to your home.
• Fertility Preservation/Family Planning/Lactation Support: VA has services to help Veterans store eggs and sperm, as well as build and support families. These are coordinated through VA Women’s Health. Talk to your doctor about your options.
• Gender-Affirming Prosthetics: Several items are available through the VA when medically needed. These can include, but are not limited to, breast forms, chest binders, dilator sets for post-vaginoplasty, gaffs, packers, surgical compression vests, and wigs. Talk to your treatment team about what is right for you.
• Medically Necessary Hair Removal: Hair removal often happens through referrals to community-based centers. While availability varies, VA is working to improve access for all eligible Veterans.
• Letters of Support for Gender-Affirming Surgery (outside of VA): Some Veterans use their private health insurance or pay out-of-pocket for surgical treatments. Most surgeons and private health insurance companies require letters from your current treatment team, both medical and mental health (if applicable). VA providers can coordinate care with your surgeon.
While VA cannot yet provide initial gender-affirming surgical procedures, VA does provide surgical care for the following:
Some complications of surgeries, including revision surgeries for unexpected problems
Removing testicles or ovaries for hormone management if prescription hormones aren’t an option for you
Needed surgeries for other medical reasons (e.g., cancer, back pain) that are also consistent with your transition goals

My new primary just sent in an rx for it, but I have a feeling that Medicaid won’t cover it. I had a helluva time getting a psych medication approved (after 6 weeks we decided to stop trying to went to a different medication despite having multiple doctors explaining why the one being prescribed was the best option for my health), so I’m wondering how they decide it’s worth covering. Anyone had experience with this?
Also worth noting - in IL, it looks like mounjaro and ozempic are on the approved list. Should I just have my clinician send something in for one of those instead?

Iv been lurking in the background on here reading all your stories feeling to emotional to post, respond or anything. I finally have the courage to post my story. Last week I went to my 20 week anatomy scan and found out my cervix was 2.3cm but not funneling. My OB was super lax about it and sent me to a MFM for follow up but told me to wait a week. I obviously did tons of research when I got home and was concerned that my doctor didn’t prescribe me any progesterone etc. but I decided to trust him and not push for anything. At my follow up the next week they found my cervix had shorten to 4mm and had funneling ( I wasn’t dilated). In that moment I felt so much fear- I just couldn’t lose this baby. They sent me to L and D where they gave me a round of tocolytics and scheduled my cerclage the next day. I spent the next day and a half in total fear that I was going to go into to premature labor. I was also so angry with my OB for not putting me on progesterone immediately- I guess because I carried my first born to full term he didn’t expect for there to be so much change in a week. Regardless I feel like it was negligent. After what felt like forever I finally got in for my cerclage, the spinal block was super heavy for me and the whole thing was just an awful experience. I don’t do well with feel paralyzed from the nipples down and felt overwhelmed with anxiety and panic. Anyway, the doctor told me she was able to stitch me up to 3cm and so far I have had no cramping, no contractions and I’m finally leaving the hospital today. I guess I’m just still in overwhelming fear that my stitch will fail. I would love to hear stories of people in similar situations who stitch held up at least to 28 weeks. I really want to make it to full term, but I’m just so scared. How do you get past the fear?

Hi!
I hope someone knowledgeable will be able to guide/help me.
I am 22 years old - my problem is that I have been experiencing a strong impostor syndrome from the beginning. I have done the DIVA test three times with different psychologists. Each time I scored high, and basically, everything fits together rationally. I do indeed recognize the impostor symptom in myself. I discussed this with a friend who is finishing psychology studies and also has ADHD, and he supports my perspective.
Additionally, my father, who committed suicide, most likely also struggled with ADHD (based on the DIVA methodology, I asked the family and matched it to events that complicated his life further, plus, of course, chronic depression).Everything was rather stable until 3 days ago when I had bad lack for a psychiatrist (where I did the last DIVA and a specialist was recommended) - an online visit. I don't want to sound conceited (also, I'm not a doctor), but I had the impression that the psychiatrist I consulted often didn't know the answers to my questions and was evasive. He seemed more interested in my money than in helping and understanding me (I have seen 2 psychologists, 2 therapists, and 3 psychiatrists, so I have a comparison whether someone cares or is genuinely interested). I have scheduled my next appointment with a doctor that is leading ADHD treatment here in Poland
Returning to the point, my impostor syndrome flared up additionally when the psychiatrist stated during the interview that "the symptoms I experience are rather mild, or I somehow manage them, otherwise I would have problems with studying and working" (my professional life is okay, but about 4 times below my potential because I have issues with fluctuations in activity - I work intensely for several days, and then have a few days of a depressive period - it's not like manic-depression, it's rather about activity and the ability to motivate myself to do things, not finding less painful activities, etc.). This surprised me because I perceive them differently (and they seem more concrete than just excusing my inefficiencies). So, of course, I continued the previously started research to feel more at ease.
I was prescribed a dosage that seems non-standard: Medikinet 10mg CR daily, one in the morning and one in the afternoon, and I can double it and then report back after finishing.All this has led to many questions and overthinking. The first day, 10mg didn't make much of an impression on me; it settled me a bit, I felt some interest, took the second dose in the afternoon as recommended, and, of course, couldn't sleep (despite 6mg of melatonin).
Yesterday, I took 20mg in the morning and felt the need to organize everything, and I cleaned the whole apartment, including scrubbing under the closet.Despite this, the impostor syndrome is so insidious that I keep wondering if I'm imagining things, over-researched, and adjusted the answers or interpretations of my life and events to fit the thesis.It's generally a terrible issue because I hope that after years of struggling with "depression," it will finally be addressed, and I can stop dealing with such matters and just focus on work - I am 22 years old, and my first visit to a psychiatrist for depression was around 15-16 years old.
Currently, I have the biggest dilemmas in the following areas, and I really hope someone could shed some light or guide me:

1. **Methylphenidate in a person without ADHD** - I couldn't find anything concrete on whether I can verify this - if, for example, I don't have ADHD, how should it affect me vs. someone with ADHD. It's so vaguely described on the internet that it's not clear if there's a concrete way to verify this to avoid questioning my own observations. Obviously, a solid diagnosis like a blood test or MRI for other diseases won't be available, but by nature, I'm a skeptic and need it grounded to sleep peacefully and not get into unnecessary discussions with people who barely understand the subject.
   
2. **Effectiveness of diagnostics** - I haven't encountered any data on how often diagnoses are invalidated. I read on Reddit (unfortunately, there are few better discussion places with a lot of content) that one girl had an ADHD diagnosis, took Adderall, and after about 2 years, it turned out it wasn't ADHD but some compulsive disorder. Is there any information on how many people with an ADHD diagnosis and prescribed treatment are misdiagnosed? It's known that in the USA, people sometimes stretch the truth to get Adderall, but I'm sure you understand my point and the essence of the matter.
   
3. **Dosage** - I have a bit of time left before my next appointment and wonder what I can do (but nothing stupid). My friend, for example, has 30mg CR in the morning and then has those on-demand Medikinet, which keeps him okay later in the day and doesn't cause sleep problems; he's considering switching to Concerta. From my psychiatrist, I basically got the information I already mentioned plus to avoid abusing alcohol. Is there anything I can change in these recommendations to not waste time? If I just take 30mg or 40mg in the morning (of course, gradually and checking the response weekly), am I exposing myself to any problems? I found out on my own that I won't die, but I'm interested in the effectiveness of this treatment, not messing around.
   
4. **A question completely omitted by the psychiatrist, and I didn't get any specific information, which is quite important to me**. In all the DIVA tests, I scored higher in adulthood than in childhood. In the last one, it came out as follows: Summary of symptoms according to DSM-5: I. Attention Deficit: Adulthood: 8/9, Childhood: 7/9 II. Hyperactivity and impulsivity: Adulthood: 9/9, Childhood: 8/9 III. Experienced symptoms are a source of significant problems, manifesting in at least 2 areas of life in both childhood and adulthood. After my own analysis, talking to my mom and sister, it's hard to deny that I had serious problems in areas affected by ADHD plus many “less obvious” symptoms that I learned about from PsychiatraPlus from Mr. Jóźwiak (thanks God he records because books and articles in Poland on the internet are often a disaster) in quite significant intensity. I'm still afraid of cognitive bias and fitting the situation to the thesis.
   

I noticed an increase in many symptoms attributed to ADHD after 2022 (when my father committed suicide, which involved PTSD therapy because I saw a lot, plus a depressive episode). Before, I might have had 2-3 such severe depressive episodes. I skimmed through (I emphasize because I might have missed something that would answer my question, and I don't want to appear lazy coming for a free ready-made solution) meta-analyses (The World Federation of ADHD International Consensus Statement: 208 Evidence-based Conclusions about the Disorder). This fragment intrigued me: "ADHD is rarely caused by a single genetic or environmental risk factor, but most cases of ADHD are caused by the combined effects of many genetic and environmental risks, each having a very small effect."
This, of course, suggested a possible scenario - a father with ADHD + trauma could have exacerbated my symptoms, hence now they are more noticeable to me than before, although it resonates more with me that conditions, tasks, and challenges I face have changed. I didn't observe myself in this regard before; I didn't have the knowledge; I attributed my failures to a different “legend” (I wasn't taught consequences, laziness, lack of discipline, if I tried harder, etc.) than ADHD. Obviously, I'm not so infantile as to expect someone to try to resolve this issue, but based on the current conclusive knowledge, how do you assess my line of thinking, does it hold together? Could I check anything else additionally?
To conclude, I know I need to find a good psychiatrist; I have one in mind, but it's pointless at this moment when I have prescriptions and "recommendations" to schedule and pay for a visit since I'll probably get not very in-depth answers (I also understand doctors don't have 2 hours to give a lecture on how and why things work), rather reassuring and "we'll observe." Whenever something stresses or confuses me, I just try to understand it, and when it turns out that my inherent skepticism activated unnecessarily, the problem disappears from the radar.
I hope someone will guide me to the right materials that will tell me a bit more about these issues. Once again, thank you in advance for any response and time spent just reading this post. If additional questions arise to provide a better answer, I am happy to respond.

Long story short, back in January/February I caught Covid/flu and even though I recovered, I was still feeling really fatigue. Multiple doctors and specialist cannot figure out why, however, cannot rule out that I was experience long covid symptoms. I had visit the hospital multiple times for feeling dizzy and strange stomach issue. I simply can't focus at work and had bad headaches once I look at a screen. I even had issues scrolling my phone. My job is to modify and create new legal contracts which means a lot of detail is required. My manager was aware of the situation. My quality rate and utilization rate had gone down. This manager is known to be lazy, favoritism, only reach out announcing bad news, and gives hardworking people a hard time with no appreciation. He also keeps employees with very bad work ethics who don't just don't care about their jobs, but also doing things to cause legal impact. He doesn't care about employees birthdays or anniversary dates and even though people complain, he still doesn't change.
In March (a day before my vacation), my manager had a one on one with me about my quality of work and utilization rate in February with a unfriendly attitude. He also has an expectation that we complete things way BEFORE deadlines. I had been completing things 1-2 days before the deadline and it wasn't good enough. I acknowledge the errors was a fair say, however, I don't think having an expectations to complete things WAY before the target date was fair. Even though my utilization rate has gone down, I had been working overtime to get things done because of my health issues I was slower than normal. It seemed like he was bothered that I was acting calm during our conversation. Then he finally added, "I will take away one of your work privilege if I don't see improvement". He then sent me a formal e-mail with all the above including to provoke a work privilege of mine if I don't improve. A day before my vacation, I was extremely stressed out making sure everything was in good order. I was pretty pissed off and my vacation was pretty much ruined worrying about my job security.
When I came back, I improved with both quality rate and utilization rate and meeting the average among everyone. Apparently it was not enough and the manager was still not happy about it and explained I was only doing mediocre. He has been on my back and giving me extreme anxiety. I am terrified of having any errors on my work and I had been completing things 2 weeks before the due date. I put in a lot of hard work and still wasn't enough. This actually began to caused me to make more errors due to extreme stress and panic when doing the work. We have daily briefing meetings and he accused me of skipping them because I took a day off. The day I came back to work (after my day off), he sent me a message without greetings and straight asking me why I'm skipping the meetings. When I advised that I had a day off which was approved by the team lead, he responded "huh? I don't get it?!?!?!?". I actually broke down in tears after that message because he was accusing me of things I didn't do. We also have meetings every month where I have to talk about all the errors I made and explain why I made the errors in front of everyone which caused me extreme anxiety. The night before that meeting I can't fall asleep at night and wake up 2 hours before my alarm goes off.
I am not lazy and I am hardworking. The funny thing is the team lead agreed some things were not fair especially the formula to calculate utilization rate is extremely flawed and inaccurate. I was actually told even though we had been working overtime, it only shows that we are only at 35% capacity. When the manager was on vacation, we all had a meeting about the inaccuracy of that thing and how the manager refused to change it. Upper management doesn't even know any of this.
I am in huge stress, breaking down in tears, and had caused me stomach issues, anxiety, can't sleep well, and even on weekends I'm scared on Monday the manager would find things to accuse me. Work quality has also being going down.
I talked to a doctor and based on the analysis, I was suggested go on a stress leave and applications are filled.
My best friend wants to open a small business and asking me if I want to go on board with him. I am thinking to on a stress leave (which I still get 80% of my weekly salary) and quit when the business is running.
Should I feel guilty and how my current colleague might look at me?

Hi!
I hope someone knowledgeable will be able to guide/help me.
I am 22 years old - my problem is that I have been experiencing a strong impostor syndrome from the beginning. I have done the DIVA test three times with different psychologists. Each time I scored high, and basically, everything fits together rationally. I do indeed recognize the impostor symptom in myself. I discussed this with a friend who is finishing psychology studies and also has ADHD, and he supports my perspective.
Additionally, my father, who committed suicide, most likely also struggled with ADHD (based on the DIVA methodology, I asked the family and matched it to events that complicated his life further, plus, of course, chronic depression).Everything was rather stable until 3 days ago when I had bad lack for a psychiatrist (where I did the last DIVA and a specialist was recommended) - an online visit. I don't want to sound conceited (also, I'm not a doctor), but I had the impression that the psychiatrist I consulted often didn't know the answers to my questions and was evasive. He seemed more interested in my money than in helping and understanding me (I have seen 2 psychologists, 2 therapists, and 3 psychiatrists, so I have a comparison whether someone cares or is genuinely interested). I have scheduled my next appointment with a doctor that is leading ADHD treatment here in Poland
Returning to the point, my impostor syndrome flared up additionally when the psychiatrist stated during the interview that "the symptoms I experience are rather mild, or I somehow manage them, otherwise I would have problems with studying and working" (my professional life is okay, but about 4 times below my potential because I have issues with fluctuations in activity - I work intensely for several days, and then have a few days of a depressive period - it's not like manic-depression, it's rather about activity and the ability to motivate myself to do things, not finding less painful activities, etc.). This surprised me because I perceive them differently (and they seem more concrete than just excusing my inefficiencies). So, of course, I continued the previously started research to feel more at ease.
I was prescribed a dosage that seems non-standard: Medikinet 10mg CR daily, one in the morning and one in the afternoon, and I can double it and then report back after finishing.All this has led to many questions and overthinking. The first day, 10mg didn't make much of an impression on me; it settled me a bit, I felt some interest, took the second dose in the afternoon as recommended, and, of course, couldn't sleep (despite 6mg of melatonin).
Yesterday, I took 20mg in the morning and felt the need to organize everything, and I cleaned the whole apartment, including scrubbing under the closet.Despite this, the impostor syndrome is so insidious that I keep wondering if I'm imagining things, over-researched, and adjusted the answers or interpretations of my life and events to fit the thesis.It's generally a terrible issue because I hope that after years of struggling with "depression," it will finally be addressed, and I can stop dealing with such matters and just focus on work - I am 22 years old, and my first visit to a psychiatrist for depression was around 15-16 years old.
Currently, I have the biggest dilemmas in the following areas, and I really hope someone could shed some light or guide me:

1. **Methylphenidate in a person without ADHD** - I couldn't find anything concrete on whether I can verify this - if, for example, I don't have ADHD, how should it affect me vs. someone with ADHD. It's so vaguely described on the internet that it's not clear if there's a concrete way to verify this to avoid questioning my own observations. Obviously, a solid diagnosis like a blood test or MRI for other diseases won't be available, but by nature, I'm a skeptic and need it grounded to sleep peacefully and not get into unnecessary discussions with people who barely understand the subject.
   
2. **Effectiveness of diagnostics** - I haven't encountered any data on how often diagnoses are invalidated. I read on Reddit (unfortunately, there are few better discussion places with a lot of content) that one girl had an ADHD diagnosis, took Adderall, and after about 2 years, it turned out it wasn't ADHD but some compulsive disorder. Is there any information on how many people with an ADHD diagnosis and prescribed treatment are misdiagnosed? It's known that in the USA, people sometimes stretch the truth to get Adderall, but I'm sure you understand my point and the essence of the matter.
   
3. **Dosage** - I have a bit of time left before my next appointment and wonder what I can do (but nothing stupid). My friend, for example, has 30mg CR in the morning and then has those on-demand Medikinet, which keeps him okay later in the day and doesn't cause sleep problems; he's considering switching to Concerta. From my psychiatrist, I basically got the information I already mentioned plus to avoid abusing alcohol. Is there anything I can change in these recommendations to not waste time? If I just take 30mg or 40mg in the morning (of course, gradually and checking the response weekly), am I exposing myself to any problems? I found out on my own that I won't die, but I'm interested in the effectiveness of this treatment, not messing around.
   
4. **A question completely omitted by the psychiatrist, and I didn't get any specific information, which is quite important to me**. In all the DIVA tests, I scored higher in adulthood than in childhood. In the last one, it came out as follows: Summary of symptoms according to DSM-5: I. Attention Deficit: Adulthood: 8/9, Childhood: 7/9 II. Hyperactivity and impulsivity: Adulthood: 9/9, Childhood: 8/9 III. Experienced symptoms are a source of significant problems, manifesting in at least 2 areas of life in both childhood and adulthood. After my own analysis, talking to my mom and sister, it's hard to deny that I had serious problems in areas affected by ADHD plus many “less obvious” symptoms that I learned about from PsychiatraPlus from Mr. Jóźwiak (thanks God he records because books and articles in Poland on the internet are often a disaster) in quite significant intensity. I'm still afraid of cognitive bias and fitting the situation to the thesis.
   

I noticed an increase in many symptoms attributed to ADHD after 2022 (when my father committed suicide, which involved PTSD therapy because I saw a lot, plus a depressive episode). Before, I might have had 2-3 such severe depressive episodes. I skimmed through (I emphasize because I might have missed something that would answer my question, and I don't want to appear lazy coming for a free ready-made solution) meta-analyses (The World Federation of ADHD International Consensus Statement: 208 Evidence-based Conclusions about the Disorder). This fragment intrigued me: "ADHD is rarely caused by a single genetic or environmental risk factor, but most cases of ADHD are caused by the combined effects of many genetic and environmental risks, each having a very small effect."
This, of course, suggested a possible scenario - a father with ADHD + trauma could have exacerbated my symptoms, hence now they are more noticeable to me than before, although it resonates more with me that conditions, tasks, and challenges I face have changed. I didn't observe myself in this regard before; I didn't have the knowledge; I attributed my failures to a different “legend” (I wasn't taught consequences, laziness, lack of discipline, if I tried harder, etc.) than ADHD. Obviously, I'm not so infantile as to expect someone to try to resolve this issue, but based on the current conclusive knowledge, how do you assess my line of thinking, does it hold together? Could I check anything else additionally?
To conclude, I know I need to find a good psychiatrist; I have one in mind, but it's pointless at this moment when I have prescriptions and "recommendations" to schedule and pay for a visit since I'll probably get not very in-depth answers (I also understand doctors don't have 2 hours to give a lecture on how and why things work), rather reassuring and "we'll observe." Whenever something stresses or confuses me, I just try to understand it, and when it turns out that my inherent skepticism activated unnecessarily, the problem disappears from the radar.
I hope someone will guide me to the right materials that will tell me a bit more about these issues. Once again, thank you in advance for any response and time spent just reading this post. If additional questions arise to provide a better answer, I am happy to respond.

Hi!
I hope someone knowledgeable will be able to guide/help me.
I am 22 years old - my problem is that I have been experiencing a strong impostor syndrome from the beginning. I have done the DIVA test three times with different psychologists. Each time I scored high, and basically, everything fits together rationally. I do indeed recognize the impostor symptom in myself. I discussed this with a friend who is finishing psychology studies and also has ADHD, and he supports my perspective.
Additionally, my father, who committed suicide, most likely also struggled with ADHD (based on the DIVA methodology, I asked the family and matched it to events that complicated his life further, plus, of course, chronic depression).Everything was rather stable until 3 days ago when I had bad lack for a psychiatrist (where I did the last DIVA and a specialist was recommended) - an online visit. I don't want to sound conceited (also, I'm not a doctor), but I had the impression that the psychiatrist I consulted often didn't know the answers to my questions and was evasive. He seemed more interested in my money than in helping and understanding me (I have seen 2 psychologists, 2 therapists, and 3 psychiatrists, so I have a comparison whether someone cares or is genuinely interested). I have scheduled my next appointment with a doctor that is leading ADHD treatment here in Poland
Returning to the point, my impostor syndrome flared up additionally when the psychiatrist stated during the interview that "the symptoms I experience are rather mild, or I somehow manage them, otherwise I would have problems with studying and working" (my professional life is okay, but about 4 times below my potential because I have issues with fluctuations in activity - I work intensely for several days, and then have a few days of a depressive period - it's not like manic-depression, it's rather about activity and the ability to motivate myself to do things, not finding less painful activities, etc.). This surprised me because I perceive them differently (and they seem more concrete than just excusing my inefficiencies). So, of course, I continued the previously started research to feel more at ease.
I was prescribed a dosage that seems non-standard: Medikinet 10mg CR daily, one in the morning and one in the afternoon, and I can double it and then report back after finishing.All this has led to many questions and overthinking. The first day, 10mg didn't make much of an impression on me; it settled me a bit, I felt some interest, took the second dose in the afternoon as recommended, and, of course, couldn't sleep (despite 6mg of melatonin).
Yesterday, I took 20mg in the morning and felt the need to organize everything, and I cleaned the whole apartment, including scrubbing under the closet.Despite this, the impostor syndrome is so insidious that I keep wondering if I'm imagining things, over-researched, and adjusted the answers or interpretations of my life and events to fit the thesis.It's generally a terrible issue because I hope that after years of struggling with "depression," it will finally be addressed, and I can stop dealing with such matters and just focus on work - I am 22 years old, and my first visit to a psychiatrist for depression was around 15-16 years old.
Currently, I have the biggest dilemmas in the following areas, and I really hope someone could shed some light or guide me:

1. **Methylphenidate in a person without ADHD** - I couldn't find anything concrete on whether I can verify this - if, for example, I don't have ADHD, how should it affect me vs. someone with ADHD. It's so vaguely described on the internet that it's not clear if there's a concrete way to verify this to avoid questioning my own observations. Obviously, a solid diagnosis like a blood test or MRI for other diseases won't be available, but by nature, I'm a skeptic and need it grounded to sleep peacefully and not get into unnecessary discussions with people who barely understand the subject.
   
2. **Effectiveness of diagnostics** - I haven't encountered any data on how often diagnoses are invalidated. I read on Reddit (unfortunately, there are few better discussion places with a lot of content) that one girl had an ADHD diagnosis, took Adderall, and after about 2 years, it turned out it wasn't ADHD but some compulsive disorder. Is there any information on how many people with an ADHD diagnosis and prescribed treatment are misdiagnosed? It's known that in the USA, people sometimes stretch the truth to get Adderall, but I'm sure you understand my point and the essence of the matter.
   
3. **Dosage** - I have a bit of time left before my next appointment and wonder what I can do (but nothing stupid). My friend, for example, has 30mg CR in the morning and then has those on-demand Medikinet, which keeps him okay later in the day and doesn't cause sleep problems; he's considering switching to Concerta. From my psychiatrist, I basically got the information I already mentioned plus to avoid abusing alcohol. Is there anything I can change in these recommendations to not waste time? If I just take 30mg or 40mg in the morning (of course, gradually and checking the response weekly), am I exposing myself to any problems? I found out on my own that I won't die, but I'm interested in the effectiveness of this treatment, not messing around.
   
4. **A question completely omitted by the psychiatrist, and I didn't get any specific information, which is quite important to me**. In all the DIVA tests, I scored higher in adulthood than in childhood. In the last one, it came out as follows: Summary of symptoms according to DSM-5: I. Attention Deficit: Adulthood: 8/9, Childhood: 7/9 II. Hyperactivity and impulsivity: Adulthood: 9/9, Childhood: 8/9 III. Experienced symptoms are a source of significant problems, manifesting in at least 2 areas of life in both childhood and adulthood. After my own analysis, talking to my mom and sister, it's hard to deny that I had serious problems in areas affected by ADHD plus many “less obvious” symptoms that I learned about from PsychiatraPlus from Mr. Jóźwiak (thanks God he records because books and articles in Poland on the internet are often a disaster) in quite significant intensity. I'm still afraid of cognitive bias and fitting the situation to the thesis.
   

I noticed an increase in many symptoms attributed to ADHD after 2022 (when my father committed suicide, which involved PTSD therapy because I saw a lot, plus a depressive episode). Before, I might have had 2-3 such severe depressive episodes. I skimmed through (I emphasize because I might have missed something that would answer my question, and I don't want to appear lazy coming for a free ready-made solution) meta-analyses (The World Federation of ADHD International Consensus Statement: 208 Evidence-based Conclusions about the Disorder). This fragment intrigued me: "ADHD is rarely caused by a single genetic or environmental risk factor, but most cases of ADHD are caused by the combined effects of many genetic and environmental risks, each having a very small effect."
This, of course, suggested a possible scenario - a father with ADHD + trauma could have exacerbated my symptoms, hence now they are more noticeable to me than before, although it resonates more with me that conditions, tasks, and challenges I face have changed. I didn't observe myself in this regard before; I didn't have the knowledge; I attributed my failures to a different “legend” (I wasn't taught consequences, laziness, lack of discipline, if I tried harder, etc.) than ADHD. Obviously, I'm not so infantile as to expect someone to try to resolve this issue, but based on the current conclusive knowledge, how do you assess my line of thinking, does it hold together? Could I check anything else additionally?
To conclude, I know I need to find a good psychiatrist; I have one in mind, but it's pointless at this moment when I have prescriptions and "recommendations" to schedule and pay for a visit since I'll probably get not very in-depth answers (I also understand doctors don't have 2 hours to give a lecture on how and why things work), rather reassuring and "we'll observe." Whenever something stresses or confuses me, I just try to understand it, and when it turns out that my inherent skepticism activated unnecessarily, the problem disappears from the radar.
I hope someone will guide me to the right materials that will tell me a bit more about these issues. Once again, thank you in advance for any response and time spent just reading this post. If additional questions arise to provide a better answer, I am happy to respond.

asking here on behalf of my spouse, but some background here:
my spouse has been on remicade for a couple of years now. some increases in dosage, and time between infusions. there's a pesky spot of inflammation that increases and decreases in how severe it is, and a colonoscopy is coming up to determine if it warrants a resection. they also recently had a seton placed for a fistula that came back (my spouse has also inquired about switching to a different biologic because they feel as though the remicade isnt really doing its job, but to no avail).
this past week i came with them to their most recent GI appointment because they feel their doctor dismisses them, and frankly i agree with them. figured my being there would 1) make her less dismissive because now there's someone else there and 2) i could speak up for my spouse, as they struggle with asserting themselves in medical settings
we discussed weight loss, of which theyve lost about 20-30ish lbs or so since February - spouse is fat, so the GI kinda responded with "well it'll make surgery easier" which is kind of disheartening to hear considering weight loss is a pretty big red flag for CD patients (as far as ive been made aware, anyway). i kinda pushed the topic and she agreed to doing some bloodwork, at least. then onto pain management, my spouse has two spots on their stomach that often cause trouble. they have dicyclomine, but its not something they can take before work or anything since it makes them incredibly drowsy. they only take it if we're at home and there's no problem if they nod off. i had asked about some other options for pain management, expecting a better option for medication in particular. the GI suggested that their pain is either psychosomatic or entirely external, plus something about other Crohn's patients she see "having it worse" than them, and to ice the area. her only other suggestions were peppermint oil and IBGuard. the peppermint oil felt a bit of an odd suggestion considering my spouse has reflux issues she literally prescribes omeprazole for, and i'm not overly familiar with IBGuard other than its marketed for IBS....so not sure how well it would work for CD.
anyway, long winded post to ask about some pain management yall do that is probably more holistic since we can't seem to get their GI to do much for that. being told it's essentially in their head was a bit of a slap in the face considering she's supposed to be a crohn's specialist. i'm looking for a new GI for my spouse, but it will likely take some time before any in our area can take them and we unfortunately don't have a vehicle that can do longer distance driving at this time.
TL;DR spouse's GI sucks and makes my spouse feel unheard, and isn't really providing us with any real options to address pain. what do yall do that isn't prescribed but helps at least somewhat?
thanks in advance!

In 2023 i made a post about pre-apocalypse factions and groups in AR2. Although the various groups and their goals were mostly cleared up the question of how the virus took over the islands. How did the United States military fail with the containment? Why are there Soviet armed forces soldiers and officers at the bunkers and the mansion? Why are there crashed black helicopters with unidentified personnel on Mackinaw?
When i asked other players about what they thought they gave a variety of theories on how the virus came to the islands and what all the different factions were trying to do.
Here are all the theories i have heard from players.
Mackinaw gem smugglers
Throughout a variety of locations including the prison's warden's office and party bus events you can find crates with gems. On Mackinaw, not far away from the airstrip, you can find a mine where gems can be found inside its tunnels and rocks. A theory came to mind that the virus originated from Mackinaw and that the smugglers either intentionally or unknowingly spread the virus to other parts of the archipelago. As their crates and gems were smuggled into the prison or to wealthy clients they became infected. This might also be a hint as to why the 'Rogues' can be found on Mackinaw, possibly trying to stop the smugglers or study the virus.
Controversies
The virus, being a virus, is organic meaning gems cant be infected with it. There are also no signs of the gems being cursed or having some form of anomaly. The airstrip shows no signs of an contamination or an experiment that went wrong and an pilot getting infected. Its posssible the 'Rogue's brought the virus to the smugglers but as long as their intentions or goals are unknown this can't be confirmed.
Campground's mad doctor
In a basement underneath one of the wooden buildings at the campground you can find surgical equipment and monitors. An infected doctor carrying an Walther P38 and a number of infected civilians can be found inside. This has led to the theory that the doctor was responsible for creating the virus through experimenting on humans. Its likely one of the patients broke free and infected the mad doctor and the campground residents.
Controversies
Due to the isolation of the campground it remains unexplained how the virus could have spread further from there to the other islands. Its possible one or more hikers got infected whilst visiting the camp and then infected the farmers at Salem or residents of Eden. However both infected hikers are located in the middle of Barkley's forests, away from houses.
Ashland hospital
Inside the hospital you can encounter yellow hazmat infected and a morgue. There are also signs of something going wrong at the hospital including turned over furniture and an malfunctioning lift. This led to the theory that the infection came from an experiment at the hospital or one of the bodies in the morgue had the virus. From there the virus infected Ashland, the biggest city in the archipelago, and then the farmlands.
Controversies
Outside the hospital in the middle of Ashland is a military camp and there are also military crates inside the hospital itself. This indicates that the soldiers who brought the equipment were well aware of the virus. This in turn means that Ashland hospital is not the origin of the virus as otherwise the military wouldn't have brought crates inside and set up an open camp in the middle of the city. All the hatches of the morgue are closed and no scientific equipment for experiments and tests can be found indicating that everything was well under control.
Regional airport
In many movies and games airports, train stations and harbors are locations of mass outbreaks and attacks. The Regional airport, being the biggest and only public airport in the archipelago, is major location when it comes to bringing visitors and goods from abroad. There exists the possibility that a plane might have brought the virus to the islands either one of its passengers or its cargo.
Controversies
The only planes at the airport are small civilian planes, private jets and military cargo planes. No actual commercial cargo planes are seen at the airport nor do any of its aircraft appear to be quarantined. There are police cruisers of the local sheriff's department at the main entrance but they appear to have been responding to a fanatic hostage crisis rather than an outbreak. There is also an fanatic inside the control tower with a revolver which might mean that the ATC communications were unattended when everyone became infected. There is also a well fortified military camp on the grass pad in front of the tower and military sleeping mats, crates and cans inside the terminal and tower which indicates the port was safe for the army to dig in at the time they arrived.
Beaufort and Salem cults
Beaufort: Underneath the Beaufort church there is a cave where an infected white plague doctor and his fanatic operatives can be found. There are several steel cages and an altar where prisoners were held and preachings were done respectively. It appears the cult was both fully aware of and prepared for the outbreak and tried to use mystical powers to protect its members. There is also a more darker side to the cult which is that they might have been doing experiments on their prisoners in order to bring armageddon to the world and cleanse the archipelago. In this way they could have brought the virus to the citizens of Halsey and caused further chaos by sending fanatics to the airport.
Salem: Inside the Salem church you can encounter a black plague doctor and a number of fanatics wearing vests and masks. The Salem fanatics tried to hide inside the church with the hope that they would be safe from the infection. There is a rumor that the Salem cult might have called upon dark powers to curse those not part of the group or engineered the virus biologically to gain more influence among paranoid and superstitious citizens.
Controversies
Beaufort: In one of the bigger buildings of Beaufort you can find olive/green sleeping mats and military equipment. Inside the sheriff's office infected SWAT operatives armed with assault rifles and shotguns can be encountered. This might indicate that soldiers arrived at Beaufort before it got infected and the police were preparing for action. Its also unknown how the infected could have left the cave through the heavy wooden hatch at the tunnel entrance.
Salem: Its unknown if the plague doctor had any connections to dark powers and there is no equipment that can be used for working with biological matter. There is also an well prepared police blockade next to the church on the bridge which might mean the virus was not active in Salem when it was set up.
The Soviets/militia
There is a significant presence of the militia and their Soviet allies throughout the entire archipelago. The game is set in the late 80's and early 90's during which time the Soviets and Americans were political and military rivals. On virtually every named island you can find a sign or equipment of the Militia and loosely affiliated smugglers. Meanwhile at the coastal bunkers, mansion, Lulu chapel and various camp and ATV events you can encounter well armed Soviet soldiers from both the army and the Spetsnaz. From any of these outposts and holdouts the communists could have easily spread the virus to sabotage American interests in the archipelago. Nuclear, chemical and biological warfare were used by both sblocks during the cold war.
Controversies
During the late 80's soviet leader Mikhail Gorbachev ended the afghan war and cooled down tensions with the west. Its unlikely he would have authorized an biological attack on US soil. Militarily an attack on the archipelago wouldn't have been very profitable in terms of strategy as the virus knows no allegiance to anyone and is can easily infect any human not wearing a full body suit and a gasmask. Politically an attack against the USA with biological weapons would have been met with heavy reprisals and criticism by the international community if the truth were to be found out. There are also no signs of biological weapons usage at any militia or Soviet locations.
Volcano helicopter crash
The helicopter wreckage and infected soldiers and hazmat suit wearing responders raises questions what the helicopter could have been transporting. There is also no sign of the police or the military responding to the crash site as their vehicles are absent. There is the chance that the helicopter might have been transporting the virus and crashed at the volcano where its infected occupants attacked the responders and scientists at the geological research site.
Controversies
The isolated location of the crash site and research station raises questions on how the infection could have spread from the mountain to the surrounding towns and communities. There is also an fire watch tower with armed militia soldiers on the other side of the volcano whom might have been able to fight against the infected whilst also staying isolated and away from civilians. Its possible the virus could have infected hikers and some militia members who then spread it elsewhere (female hiker -> Salem farmers, male hiker -> campgrounds and surrounding houses, militia scout -> junkyard and mansion).
My opinion: I think the most believeable infection location from where the virus could have spread is the volcano's heli crash. This heli crash is the only crash confirmed to have happened at the start or before the outbreak as its location is permanent. There are also military police blockades on the bridges from the other islands to Barkley which look like they have been built to stop traffic from going to and from the island. Then we have also the lack of dedicated military camps and sites around Barkley. It appears the military primarily wanted to secure the power plant to maintain electricity for the archipelago. Compared to the other islands the civilians of Barkley seemed to be less well prepared for an conflict or any kind of attack as there are no gun shops at major locations like Lockport and Salem and there is also no police station, hospital or fire station. As to how the helicopter got the virus on board is unknown but many crates lay scattered around the crash site and vehicles with special equipment and hazmat infected are nearby.
What theory do you think is the most likely to have brought the virus to the islandsor do you have a theory of your own?
comment!

Hi, I m a 22 year old Dental Tehnician from Romania and i m thinking about quitting the dental field. I started the 3 years of courses with optimism, hope and a good view on the dental technician career, I started working as a intern at the end of my first year of college. At first I went to the stone casting department and learned șomer of it but the bosses would nt let me do anything, so i changed labs, at this new lab i worked for 2 years, in wich i learned how to cast all types of stone models, how to glaze and adapt zirconia crowns and bridges, how to operate 3D printing machines and metal 3D printers, some ceramic stratification, how to organize lab cases, and other things along the way. I quit from this lab( where I was appreciated for my long hours of working and dedication, but only that, not much money, the usual day would be 10 to 11 hours, 5 days a week + 2 saturdays a month for the minimum wage of 400 €, as i was not legally employed because i was a student), i quit because they were going to change the location of the lab to a bigger building outside of the city, where the busses dont go i could not afford a car with what they paid me. After i graduated in July of 2023 they offered me employment full time for 600€/month, i have not accepted it because i was glazing around 500+ crowns of zirconia a month and the doctors were happy with them as well as the pacients (even had the big honour of doing the zirconia crowns for the all on 6 upper jaw piece for the lab's HR employee), the boss said that i was the best and most hard working student he s ever had, but not good enough to accept my offer(700€/month full-time). I got to another, smaller, lab where the boss was not happy with anything i was doing, looking for any small mistake or reason just to cut from my paycheck of 500€ a month(my rent and utilities get around 250€ without food and basic needs) so i quit again. Another lab, same old story, grumpy boss all the time, says i know nothing(which i was aware of because i didnt consider myself a master, but let s Say a level 3 out of 10) and i sould get happy i m getting some money from what i m working( he payed me 400€) and i should be grateful to him not charging me money for teaching me what he knows, și i quit. Now i quit the prothetic part and i m in a orthodontics lab, making removable appliances but i still work long hours, i still dont have time for myself and the people around me, i still get told things like "it s your fault that You dont have time and money" from my boss, my phisical and mental health are getting worse by the day and i have a grim outlook of my future working in this field. I envy my friends who work as Call Assistants because they get to work from home all day and make more money than me and i find myself questioning If is this the path i want in life, to live just above the surface of poverty, to not have time for my familly and hobbies, to die of some work related illnes? I want to quit because i ve tried 5 different labs and not one showed a better future( the one where I worked for 2 years was better, but only because i was a student, saw someone 1 year higher than me graduate and after he was employed they treated him like a pack mule as well). I feel ashamed of quitting because it would feel like giving up, but i m tired of not living my life, of living my youth years in the lab, of not being able to afford more than my basic needs, i know i m at the beginning but i când feel this field of work is killing me already and i dont see an end to the suffering which I now have.

Have you ever witnessed the first formation of life? I mean, I've seen my children, I was there for every step of the process if you know what I mean. Hah. But what I'm talking about is from beyond the beginning. The molten slag of a planet forming over millions or even billions of years into a habitable plane. Have you seen, from that very point, chemicals coalescing and reproducing? Amino acids and the forming proteins?
Well today, I found out, when you die in the crypts, you don't see a light in the end of a tunnel. You witness something truly beautiful and pointless.
I watched the birth of life from nothing. Short molecular protein chains. No cell walls, no encasing membranes. If DNA or genetic code of any kind was in their descendant's future, it wasn't present now. I watched it cling to the surface of rock, self-replication fueled by the warm free energy of a sun, millions of generations, hard work, decay, and new growth, only to be destroyed by a crashing wave. The weak hydrogen bonds were broken, as simple as that. The ancestor's hard work gone in a single blink-and-you-miss-it moment. Somehow I knew, wherever this was, that was all the life that planet would ever see until it was swallowed up by its star.
It was a quick fleeting spark. All the dramas and soap operas in the world could have taken place in a single raindrop. A unique potential, unlike any others, this planet's chosen ones, snuffed out before it could evolve to breathe its first breath. Rather grim isn't it? I don't know why I dreamt it, but there it was, a pointless creation followed by an equally pointless destruction. I guess it was a nice commercial break from the missing-arm-induced pain i was suffering. A wonderful hilucination, if a bit mocob.
Anyway, back to my unimaginable blood-curdling, mind-wrenching torture porn session. My eyes were closed a very long time, but when they did open, I was finally where I should be. Horizontal in a hospital bed, surrounded by trained surgeons. That said, it was on an alien world, and the surgeons were not trained in human biology. What's worse, they had no way to dull the pain.
Death would have been a blessing, unfortunately, the doctors were good, in spite of the unknown make, model, and engine size laying before them. 5 hours under an experimental knife, and I think an arc welder, is what it took to reattach my arm and fix my internal organ damage. 5 hours of poking and prodding and searing and stitching and pulling and zapping. All things considered, I am impressed it only took 5 hours. Ted's species was remarkable when it came to taking in new information and applying it in the real world. All their extra brains probably didn't hurt either.
If you remember, Ted's species came equipped with five extremity brains, and a central one. That's three for all three of his legs, two for both of his arms, and one in his central body. Ted would have had six individual minds within him before I found him dead in a ditch beside that interstellar sidewalk. By that point, only one, Ted, had survived.
After my, let's say, unique experience, I was left alone in a dark room to rest. Ted came by to visit. Oh yeah, he had a body now. He wore that "Tall, dark, and extraterrestrial" look well. He was easily 7 feet tall in his real body. Those Ted-fu moves should pack a real punch in a body like that.
"That reminds me. You wanted your fighting moves back, right?" My voice was terribly parched after my morning shouting sessions.
Shouting obscenities at medical proffesionals was about all I could do when Ted's doctors were busy inventing a new form of torture. Seriously, take notes. Good stuff in there.
"Keep them. That isn't going to be my concern here. It's hard to even walk now, let alone fight." He admitted. "I'm used to having secondary brains do all the work. I would only take over when the situation required. Now, I'm all I've got."
"Just another one of us handicap one-brainers," I taunted. "How does it feel to be on my level? Could you say you're just 'too single-minded?"
He laughed. I don't think I've ever heard Ted lower himself to laughing at one of my jokes. It wasn't even a good one. I know I could have come up with something better. Hold on. I- huh... well, I guess the moment has passed.
Instead, I teased him again. "so, you have a sense of humor after all."
"Always have. You just aren't funny." He shot back.
Then it was my turn to laugh at a bad joke.
"Bad idea!" I realized aloud. "Laughing hurts. Don't make me laugh."
There was an awkward silence before Ted finally spoke again. Our whole conversation was full of them.
"You're going back there aren't you?" He asked.
"I have to. I have a family somewhere, and I have to know if they're still alive. Something bad is happening on earth and I just want to be there to protect them."
"I don't think you ever will find out."
"Blunt and to the point today are ya?"
"Always have been. You just never listen. Im serious. I dont think you'll make it home."
There it was again, that quiet that kept creeping back up into our conversation.
"What if you run into Brad again?" He asked. "I won't be there to reboot your brain next time. You will either die or-"
"Don't tell me."
"Or you will suffer greatly, then die." He continued while checking his version of fingernails.
"I told you not to tell me. Now I can choose which option I like better."
"I'm being serious." He shot back at me. "You have no defenses against him."
"I know. I'm hoping he's dead. That's three shots from a Tedidian gun he has taken now."
Neither of us were convinced.
"Tedidian? That's the name you gave my species? I'm honored."
"I'm the first of my kind here, I get the naming privileges."
If our conversation took place over the radio, the host would be mortified. Not by the subject matter, no. The silence would be dubbed "dead air" and the host would desperately clamor for a new topic to keep the dialogue active and dynamic. We didn't have that luxury. I think Ted was sorry he couldn't have done more to help, but he would never admit it. I actually might miss him after all- Nah... Too stuck up his own butt to admit his shortcomings. I dont need a guy like that tagging along.
"Do you- mourn the loss of your secondary minds? Were they separate thinking entities?"
"I mourned their loss eons ago. I have moved on. Now I have to re-remember how to walk and talk and do math equations without them. I will be slower than my academic peers, but I have with me knowledge of the unknowable. That should make up for some of my deficiencies."
Eventually, Ted was ushered out. I needed the rest. The doctors here were good. They had managed to piece together this broken puzzle written with a completely different alphabet, and accelerated my healing a great deal. Not really a surprise, given they could build Ted a whole new body. I was back on my feet in a matter of 2 days, using my arm in 3, and back to 70% at 4. I dont think I'll ever make it back to 100%, but all things considered, this is pretty good.
It's hard to tell how long I have been away from earth, but given this trip was meant to last a very long time, I don't suspect I should miss my flight, so long as I find my portal. As long as I can find Eddy. So long as I can find all of them; Eddy, Rook, James, even Jyong and Me-Yan.
Ted's people had a similar arrangement to earth's at first. When Ted was an explorer, their portal was at the edge of the system, but they brought it down to their planet with rockets and parachutes after he and a few others never came back. The history was fascinating. They were a united planet, far and above the most advanced I have come across so far, but in spite of that, the portal slowly leeched off the planet, and spat out horrors beyond their imagination. What they once used as an interstellar fast travel, quickly turned into a speed bump, then a health hazard. There was a reason the builders set this portal so far away from the planet. It wasn't meant to be here, so Ted's people had to build a wall, with poor old lost Ted on the other side. They closely monitored the other side though, and were shocked to find the brain activity of a Tedidian coming from yours truly. That would be Ted's mind, shoulder to shoulder with mine, in my head if you weren't following along. Then they rescued me from Brad.
Speaking of, I asked around about Brad. Someone shot him, so that someone should know if he survived. I had to know if he would be waiting for me on the other side. Eventually, I asked the right person, who introduced me to my rescuer. He wore a white uniform and carried a big gun, even for Tedidian standards. I was kinda jealous. I like my pew pews, but these things were on another level.
He confidently told me that Brad was indeed "dead." I had Ted translate for me whenever I spoke to a native, but they were quickly learning on their own how to speak Sean-ese. That's the language I told them I speak. Might as well leave a lasting mark. That confidence, however, did not come from a place I liked.
"But did you actually see it dead?" I pressed.
"Nothing survives a plasma arc, even a graze, let alone two." He scoffed. Or I think he scoffed. There is no universal interplanetary sign that someone is scoffing at you. You just have to pick up on subtle undertones of pride, shock, or snood. Ted had lots of snood. Luckily, he broke the mold. The people here were as different as people are on earth. I just happened to get the most insufferable one imaginable. Just my luck.
"Then call this thing 'nobody,' because it survived one before." I suggested.
His eyes widened, glad to see that was an interplanetary sign of surprise. "Th-that isn't possible."
"Oh, but it is." Ted interjected
Oh good, that thing could be waiting for me for all I know. I never thought I'd be scared to be without a Ted in my head, but there I was, terrified. He was right. Without him, I had no defense.
We were walking back to Ted's place when I began replaying the past events in my head. My vision was something I couldn't shake. It was real. I felt like I was one of those chains of self-replicating chemicals. That's almost all they were, chemicals, but they had every marker required to classify life. They even responded to change in the environment. They were short-lived bonded protein chains that consumed, produced waste, even grew by self-replication and bonding.
"Hey Ted," I started. "I wanted to run something by you."
"I'm listening, but let's keep it under 280 characters. I'm not in the mood for a marathon today."
I rolled my eyes. "Glad to see you're back to your old self."
"My old self? I've been trying to get back to that, but every time I open my eyes, there you are."
"Look here Dane Cook, I saw something after the attack. It was on another planet. I think someone is trying to show me something."
"You were also close to Brad at the time, who we know can alter your perception."
"Maybe, but this felt different. The first time he affected my mind, he put me in a dreamlike state. Then he used something familiar to me to disguise himself. This was different. I wasn't me, I was this green amino-acid chain with no protective coating. All I could sense were chemicals, no light, no sound, but I knew what was happening too, like I was watching from the outside at the same time."
Ted learned how to roll his eyes just now from me, and mimicked the action to an exagerated end. "Don't think much about it. Many Tedidians see a light at the end of a tunnel when we are close to death. Perhaps this is just your version."
"Perhaps." One thing is certain, even if it scares me, I would be glad to be without Ted. I almost forgot how annoying he was after our little bonding session.
"But I have a question for you. Who is Dane Cook?"
"My planet's worst comedian. Thats not the point."
The day did come that I had to leave, and Ted, in his usual fashion, refused to say goodbye. Instead, all he would say is "I won't be far behind." Cryptic, right? Like, what is that supposed to mean?
At first, I thought "Great. And right after I thought I got rid of him." But then I thought about it. It would be an interesting cultural slang to say "we will meet again." Does Ted believe in an afterlife?does he think I'll wimp out and come back?
Pointless questions aside, there was some good news. He gave me a new gun. This one made an even bigger "kaboom!" It was really fun. Heh. Haha. Gimme-gimme.
I was happy to see Jim-Bob waiting for me at the portal. I hadn't seen him since I set off that sonic weapon. Their feet are so sensitive to vibrations and sound, that weapon really messed with them. The Tedidian doctors had their work cut out for them fixing 5 listening organs per Jim-Bobidian. Together, all 20 odd Jim-Bobs and I, stepped through the portal to the nightmare world.
Now that I was on this side of the portal, I could see that Brad was gone. Oh boy, what fun. You know what else? I held onto that old piece of alien tech that Ted had his brain shoved into. I thought it would make a neat souvenir. Wouldn't you believe it if as soon as the doors closed behind me, I heard that S.O.B's voice saying "So, where to next?"
Ted copied himself yet again into that stupid thing. Didn't take long to figure out what he meant by "I won't be far behind."
"What the hell, Ted?" I shouted.
"Surprised to hear my voice?" He asked?
"More pissed than surprised. I thought I finally got rid of you."
"Oh stop it, you are happy to see me, admit it."
"I thought you wanted to go home. What happened to me just being a pair of legs?"
"Ah yes, but there's a crucial difference between that Ted and this one. This one is artificial, and doesn't get lonely. I am merely a copy of a personality. That way, when you die, I won't get homesick."
"I smell bullshit," I said.
Surprisingly, he didn't make an astronauts and diapers joke. Instead, he said "Got me. I am an explorer, remember? Even if I was homesick, I still yearn for the other-worldly. My adventuring days are not yet over, and this way, I can never die, unlike someone I know."
"News flash, Ted, you did die, and give me that self-aggrandizing crap you pulled in the beginning, and I'm throwing your immortal ass down the throat of the next giant monster I find."
"My path will remain rectilinear, and true."
"Rectum what now? I thought you only knew words I used in front of you. I don't even know what you said."
"True, but now I have learned how your language works, thus am able to intuit new words. You cannot convince me that was not a word. Go- 'look it up' or whatever when you get back to Earth. It means 'I'll stay on the straight and narrow.'"
"Then why didn't you just say so? You're already teetering on the edge of being too annoying to keep around, buddy." I threatened, but I had to admit, a translator would be nice.
I have to say, the next leg of the journey went on without a hitch. The Jim-Bobs, Ted, and I were making good time. Find a monster, kill it, find a planet, explore it, find another monster, kill it too. I found so many new planets, although most were dead or never had life to begin with. The odd part was, Ted was sure he had visited some before, and interacted with the residents, but there was nothing but rock where I stood.

Have you ever witnessed the first formation of life? I mean, I've seen my children, I was there for every step of the process if you know what I mean. Hah. But what I'm talking about is from beyond the beginning. The molten slag of a planet forming over millions or even billions of years into a habitable plane. Have you seen, from that very point, chemicals coalescing and reproducing? Amino acids and the forming proteins?
Well today, I found out, when you die in the crypts, you don't see a light in the end of a tunnel. You witness something truly beautiful and pointless.
I watched the birth of life from nothing. Short molecular protein chains. No cell walls, no encasing membranes. If DNA or genetic code of any kind was in their descendant's future, it wasn't present now. I watched it cling to the surface of rock, self-replication fueled by the warm free energy of a sun, millions of generations, hard work, decay, and new growth, only to be destroyed by a crashing wave. The weak hydrogen bonds were broken, as simple as that. The ancestor's hard work gone in a single blink-and-you-miss-it moment. Somehow I knew, wherever this was, that was all the life that planet would ever see until it was swallowed up by its star.
It was a quick fleeting spark. All the dramas and soap operas in the world could have taken place in a single raindrop. A unique potential, unlike any others, this planet's chosen ones, snuffed out before it could evolve to breathe its first breath. Rather grim isn't it? I don't know why I dreamt it, but there it was, a pointless creation followed by an equally pointless destruction. I guess it was a nice commercial break from the missing-arm-induced pain i was suffering. A wonderful hilucination, if a bit mocob.
Anyway, back to my unimaginable blood-curdling, mind-wrenching torture porn session. My eyes were closed a very long time, but when they did open, I was finally where I should be. Horizontal in a hospital bed, surrounded by trained surgeons. That said, it was on an alien world, and the surgeons were not trained in human biology. What's worse, they had no way to dull the pain.
Death would have been a blessing, unfortunately, the doctors were good, in spite of the unknown make, model, and engine size laying before them. 5 hours under an experimental knife, and I think an arc welder, is what it took to reattach my arm and fix my internal organ damage. 5 hours of poking and prodding and searing and stitching and pulling and zapping. All things considered, I am impressed it only took 5 hours. Ted's species was remarkable when it came to taking in new information and applying it in the real world. All their extra brains probably didn't hurt either.
If you remember, Ted's species came equipped with five extremity brains, and a central one. That's three for all three of his legs, two for both of his arms, and one in his central body. Ted would have had six individual minds within him before I found him dead in a ditch beside that interstellar sidewalk. By that point, only one, Ted, had survived.
After my, let's say, unique experience, I was left alone in a dark room to rest. Ted came by to visit. Oh yeah, he had a body now. He wore that "Tall, dark, and extraterrestrial" look well. He was easily 7 feet tall in his real body. Those Ted-fu moves should pack a real punch in a body like that.
"That reminds me. You wanted your fighting moves back, right?" My voice was terribly parched after my morning shouting sessions.
Shouting obscenities at medical proffesionals was about all I could do when Ted's doctors were busy inventing a new form of torture. Seriously, take notes. Good stuff in there.
"Keep them. That isn't going to be my concern here. It's hard to even walk now, let alone fight." He admitted. "I'm used to having secondary brains do all the work. I would only take over when the situation required. Now, I'm all I've got."
"Just another one of us handicap one-brainers," I taunted. "How does it feel to be on my level? Could you say you're just 'too single-minded?"
He laughed. I don't think I've ever heard Ted lower himself to laughing at one of my jokes. It wasn't even a good one. I know I could have come up with something better. Hold on. I- huh... well, I guess the moment has passed.
Instead, I teased him again. "so, you have a sense of humor after all."
"Always have. You just aren't funny." He shot back.
Then it was my turn to laugh at a bad joke.
"Bad idea!" I realized aloud. "Laughing hurts. Don't make me laugh."
There was an awkward silence before Ted finally spoke again. Our whole conversation was full of them.
"You're going back there aren't you?" He asked.
"I have to. I have a family somewhere, and I have to know if they're still alive. Something bad is happening on earth and I just want to be there to protect them."
"I don't think you ever will find out."
"Blunt and to the point today are ya?"
"Always have been. You just never listen. Im serious. I dont think you'll make it home."
There it was again, that quiet that kept creeping back up into our conversation.
"What if you run into Brad again?" He asked. "I won't be there to reboot your brain next time. You will either die or-"
"Don't tell me."
"Or you will suffer greatly, then die." He continued while checking his version of fingernails.
"I told you not to tell me. Now I can choose which option I like better."
"I'm being serious." He shot back at me. "You have no defenses against him."
"I know. I'm hoping he's dead. That's three shots from a Tedidian gun he has taken now."
Neither of us were convinced.
"Tedidian? That's the name you gave my species? I'm honored."
"I'm the first of my kind here, I get the naming privileges."
If our conversation took place over the radio, the host would be mortified. Not by the subject matter, no. The silence would be dubbed "dead air" and the host would desperately clamor for a new topic to keep the dialogue active and dynamic. We didn't have that luxury. I think Ted was sorry he couldn't have done more to help, but he would never admit it. I actually might miss him after all- Nah... Too stuck up his own butt to admit his shortcomings. I dont need a guy like that tagging along.
"Do you- mourn the loss of your secondary minds? Were they separate thinking entities?"
"I mourned their loss eons ago. I have moved on. Now I have to re-remember how to walk and talk and do math equations without them. I will be slower than my academic peers, but I have with me knowledge of the unknowable. That should make up for some of my deficiencies."
Eventually, Ted was ushered out. I needed the rest. The doctors here were good. They had managed to piece together this broken puzzle written with a completely different alphabet, and accelerated my healing a great deal. Not really a surprise, given they could build Ted a whole new body. I was back on my feet in a matter of 2 days, using my arm in 3, and back to 70% at 4. I dont think I'll ever make it back to 100%, but all things considered, this is pretty good.
It's hard to tell how long I have been away from earth, but given this trip was meant to last a very long time, I don't suspect I should miss my flight, so long as I find my portal. As long as I can find Eddy. So long as I can find all of them; Eddy, Rook, James, even Jyong and Me-Yan.
Ted's people had a similar arrangement to earth's at first. When Ted was an explorer, their portal was at the edge of the system, but they brought it down to their planet with rockets and parachutes after he and a few others never came back. The history was fascinating. They were a united planet, far and above the most advanced I have come across so far, but in spite of that, the portal slowly leeched off the planet, and spat out horrors beyond their imagination. What they once used as an interstellar fast travel, quickly turned into a speed bump, then a health hazard. There was a reason the builders set this portal so far away from the planet. It wasn't meant to be here, so Ted's people had to build a wall, with poor old lost Ted on the other side. They closely monitored the other side though, and were shocked to find the brain activity of a Tedidian coming from yours truly. That would be Ted's mind, shoulder to shoulder with mine, in my head if you weren't following along. Then they rescued me from Brad.
Speaking of, I asked around about Brad. Someone shot him, so that someone should know if he survived. I had to know if he would be waiting for me on the other side. Eventually, I asked the right person, who introduced me to my rescuer. He wore a white uniform and carried a big gun, even for Tedidian standards. I was kinda jealous. I like my pew pews, but these things were on another level.
He confidently told me that Brad was indeed "dead." I had Ted translate for me whenever I spoke to a native, but they were quickly learning on their own how to speak Sean-ese. That's the language I told them I speak. Might as well leave a lasting mark. That confidence, however, did not come from a place I liked.
"But did you actually see it dead?" I pressed.
"Nothing survives a plasma arc, even a graze, let alone two." He scoffed. Or I think he scoffed. There is no universal interplanetary sign that someone is scoffing at you. You just have to pick up on subtle undertones of pride, shock, or snood. Ted had lots of snood. Luckily, he broke the mold. The people here were as different as people are on earth. I just happened to get the most insufferable one imaginable. Just my luck.
"Then call this thing 'nobody,' because it survived one before." I suggested.
His eyes widened, glad to see that was an interplanetary sign of surprise. "Th-that isn't possible."
"Oh, but it is." Ted interjected
Oh good, that thing could be waiting for me for all I know. I never thought I'd be scared to be without a Ted in my head, but there I was, terrified. He was right. Without him, I had no defense.
We were walking back to Ted's place when I began replaying the past events in my head. My vision was something I couldn't shake. It was real. I felt like I was one of those chains of self-replicating chemicals. That's almost all they were, chemicals, but they had every marker required to classify life. They even responded to change in the environment. They were short-lived bonded protein chains that consumed, produced waste, even grew by self-replication and bonding.
"Hey Ted," I started. "I wanted to run something by you."
"I'm listening, but let's keep it under 280 characters. I'm not in the mood for a marathon today."
I rolled my eyes. "Glad to see you're back to your old self."
"My old self? I've been trying to get back to that, but every time I open my eyes, there you are."
"Look here Dane Cook, I saw something after the attack. It was on another planet. I think someone is trying to show me something."
"You were also close to Brad at the time, who we know can alter your perception."
"Maybe, but this felt different. The first time he affected my mind, he put me in a dreamlike state. Then he used something familiar to me to disguise himself. This was different. I wasn't me, I was this green amino-acid chain with no protective coating. All I could sense were chemicals, no light, no sound, but I knew what was happening too, like I was watching from the outside at the same time."
Ted learned how to roll his eyes just now from me, and mimicked the action to an exagerated end. "Don't think much about it. Many Tedidians see a light at the end of a tunnel when we are close to death. Perhaps this is just your version."
"Perhaps." One thing is certain, even if it scares me, I would be glad to be without Ted. I almost forgot how annoying he was after our little bonding session.
"But I have a question for you. Who is Dane Cook?"
"My planet's worst comedian. Thats not the point."
The day did come that I had to leave, and Ted, in his usual fashion, refused to say goodbye. Instead, all he would say is "I won't be far behind." Cryptic, right? Like, what is that supposed to mean?
At first, I thought "Great. And right after I thought I got rid of him." But then I thought about it. It would be an interesting cultural slang to say "we will meet again." Does Ted believe in an afterlife?does he think I'll wimp out and come back?
Pointless questions aside, there was some good news. He gave me a new gun. This one made an even bigger "kaboom!" It was really fun. Heh. Haha. Gimme-gimme.
I was happy to see Jim-Bob waiting for me at the portal. I hadn't seen him since I set off that sonic weapon. Their feet are so sensitive to vibrations and sound, that weapon really messed with them. The Tedidian doctors had their work cut out for them fixing 5 listening organs per Jim-Bobidian. Together, all 20 odd Jim-Bobs and I, stepped through the portal to the nightmare world.
Now that I was on this side of the portal, I could see that Brad was gone. Oh boy, what fun. You know what else? I held onto that old piece of alien tech that Ted had his brain shoved into. I thought it would make a neat souvenir. Wouldn't you believe it if as soon as the doors closed behind me, I heard that S.O.B's voice saying "So, where to next?"
Ted copied himself yet again into that stupid thing. Didn't take long to figure out what he meant by "I won't be far behind."
"What the hell, Ted?" I shouted.
"Surprised to hear my voice?" He asked?
"More pissed than surprised. I thought I finally got rid of you."
"Oh stop it, you are happy to see me, admit it."
"I thought you wanted to go home. What happened to me just being a pair of legs?"
"Ah yes, but there's a crucial difference between that Ted and this one. This one is artificial, and doesn't get lonely. I am merely a copy of a personality. That way, when you die, I won't get homesick."
"I smell bullshit," I said.
Surprisingly, he didn't make an astronauts and diapers joke. Instead, he said "Got me. I am an explorer, remember? Even if I was homesick, I still yearn for the other-worldly. My adventuring days are not yet over, and this way, I can never die, unlike someone I know."
"News flash, Ted, you did die, and give me that self-aggrandizing crap you pulled in the beginning, and I'm throwing your immortal ass down the throat of the next giant monster I find."
"My path will remain rectilinear, and true."
"Rectum what now? I thought you only knew words I used in front of you. I don't even know what you said."
"True, but now I have learned how your language works, thus am able to intuit new words. You cannot convince me that was not a word. Go- 'look it up' or whatever when you get back to Earth. It means 'I'll stay on the straight and narrow.'"
"Then why didn't you just say so? You're already teetering on the edge of being too annoying to keep around, buddy." I threatened, but I had to admit, a translator would be nice.
I have to say, the next leg of the journey went on without a hitch. The Jim-Bobs, Ted, and I were making good time. Find a monster, kill it, find a planet, explore it, find another monster, kill it too. I found so many new planets, although most were dead or never had life to begin with. The odd part was, Ted was sure he had visited some before, and interacted with the residents, but there was nothing but rock where I stood.

Hello! First time poster on mobile so sorry if formatting is weird.
I have an 8 month old medically complex son. He is the light of my life and I’m so blessed I get to be his mom and stay home with him all the time. He needed a lot of medical care for the first few months and now we are about to be on a big break from constant doctor appointments and surgeries. I don’t know how to spend our days. We still have multiple weekly appointments but our schedule feels empty now. How do you fill your days? We don’t have access to a car most of the time and my husband is gone most days from 10-7. I get so frustrated because I feel like I’m not doing enough and feel like I’m failing as a mom not having enough for us to do. We end up with me watching tv and him sitting with a bunch of toys for most of the day.