Welcome to Reading The Big Book of Cyberpunk!
Each week we (u/FarragutCircle and u/fanny_bertram) will be reading 5-ish stories from Jared Shurin’s The Big Book of Cyberpunk, which includes a curated selection of cyberpunk stories written from 1950 to 2022! We’ll include synopses of the stories along with links to any legally available online versions we can find. Feel free to read along with us or just stop by and hear our thoughts about some cyberpunk stories to decide if any of them sound interesting to you.
Every once in a while, we reach out to people who have more insight, due to being fans of the author or have some additional context for the story. (Or we just tricked them into it.) So please welcome u/RuinEleint who will be sharing their thoughts on "The Yuletide Cyberpunk Yarn, or Christmas_Eve-117.DIR" by Victor Pelevin!
“Deep Eddy” by Bruce Sterling (published 1993; also available in his collection Ascendancies: The Best of Bruce Sterling)
Deep Eddy is acting as a data courier to the Cultural Critic in Düsseldorf, right as the city goes through a Wende (a sort of anarchist “Purge”).

• Farragut’s thoughts: We’ve read Sterling before in Science Fiction. Eddy is a misguided libertarian creep who won’t stop hitting on his German bodyguard and is too dumb to understand the philosophical points that the Cultural Critic is making (for that matter, I’m too dumb to understand, too). He survives his time in Germany, but has learned nothing of value for his punk attitude. What’s the point of rebelling if you don’t understand why? The naivete and creepiness were a little too much for me.
  
• fanny’s thoughts: This did not work for me. Eddy is creepy and annoying. He keeps hitting on the bodyguard and she makes it VERY clear she is only there in a professional context. Eddy also seems to generally not have any clue what he is doing. He is libertarian and against something but no one seems to know what. He doesn't even seem to know what he delivered to the Cultural Critic.
  

“The Yuletide Cyberpunk Yarn, or Christmas_Eve-117.DIR” by Victor Pelevin (1996, translated from Russian by Alex Shvartsman)
A corrupt mayor’s computer is infected by a virus that causes chaos in Russia.

• Special Guest Ruin: This was a fascinating story to read. The way the narrative segued from a discussion on poetry to a darkly comedic look at a Russian city was remarkable. The author seems to like to start or lead with a theme or themes which seem to be only tangentially related to each other such as for example the name of the computer virus, or Gerasimov and his dog. But both elements circle back into the story and are crucial to its structure. As for the content of the story itself, I amused myself by imagining the events as being a movie that blended the stylistic elements of Tarantino and Wes Anderson. So we have brutal, bloody violence in increasingly absurd settings and the way it is all described makes it easy to imagine it all taking place amidst the highly stylized sets and characters we would expect in a Wes Anderson movie. Overall, I really enjoyed this story.
  
• Farragut: We’ve read Pelevin before in Modern Fantasy. First of all, this is a fantastic title for a story, period. Second of all, I just enjoyed Pelevin’s style here (via Shvartsman’s translation), with an omniscient narrator telling us about a completely ridiculous situation. It gets a little cagey with the identity of the perpetrator and the ending, but I’m very curious as to how darkly I should read it (now that I think about it, it’s directly connected to the original, so I should read it very darkly indeed). Shvartsman’s occasional footnotes were very helpful, however, especially with the context surrounding Gerasim(ov) and Mumu.
  
• fanny: Ruin's review is so good, I am not sure what to add. The style of this story fit the elements so well. It starts with a poem whose themes carry through the story. The footnotes were a really great addition and helped contextualize. The narrator keeps upping the ridiculousness until we get to the end and everything gets wrapped up.
  

“Wonderama” by Bef (1998, translated from Spanish by the author)
Lalo (or is it Eduardo?) wakes up every day in the most awesome life in 1974, but it’s revealed to be a lie and ends tragically.

• Farragut: Bef is a Mexican SF writer, a crime writer, and a graphic novelist, and honestly his whole bibliography sounds cool as heck. Told in a series of diary entries with some small interruptions, we follow a kid whose life is like a Mexican kid’s sugar-fueled dream. The reason for its inclusion in this thematic section of the anthology becomes clear however, and I yelled, “Noooo!” at the ending. Sigh. It’s very good!
  
• fanny: I am a sucker for diary entry style stories and this was no exception. Lalo’s life seems almost perfect, but it feels so off. The story feels progressively more off until we start to question everything. Also, yelled “Nooo!” at the ending. Very good. Absolutely loved.
  

“comp.basilisk FAQ” by David Langford (1999) (link to story)
A FAQ-style story that clearly describes a bizarre future where images on the web and TV are banned due to the risk of death.

• Farragut: Langford is famous for having the most Hugo wins (29), mostly for the Fan Writer category, but also Short Story (not this one) and Best Related Work (not this one either). This is a delightful story that made me think of it as a precursor to qntm’s later story “Lena” from Week 5 (though obviously only in general form). Apparently I love the faux-nonfiction style where some of the horror and plot is between the lines. The final FAQ about Microsoft was darkly funny.
  
• fanny: This was fun and very short. The FAQs related to basilisk and writing were great. It goes between funny, dark humor, and just dark. I liked the commentary on technology and software. I also really appreciate the standard response answers explaining they should post someone else. This is something I deal with often and this was great.
  

“Spider's Nest” by Myra Çakan (2004, translated from German by Jim Young; also available in the anthology The Apex Book of World SF 3 edited by Lavie Tidhar)
Spider, uh, does something? Is looking for drugs, maybe? But something else happens instead?

• Farragut: Çakan is a German writer from Hamburg, and after reading this story, I’d say Shurin made hamburger out of me, too. The main thing I got out of this story was that Spider really wanted something, maybe. I thought it was drugs, but he got angry at his dealer and then got super weird with his friend’s girlfriend? And then there was a Silver Spider, who wasn’t him, but maybe he plugged himself in to replace her? What is happening?
  
• fanny: Spider definitely wanted drugs from his dealer, Ant. I think. Ant got annoyed at something then Spider got into a voyeur situation (maybe). There is a Silver Spider in his dreams that makes him feel better. I couldn't tell if this was dream or drug induced or technology induced. The end is super weird and makes even less sense than the story. Spider might have done a murder on himself? I have been confused before in this anthology, but not to this level.
  

That’s it for this week! Check back the same time next week where we’ll be reading and discussing "The Last American" by John Kessel, "Earth Hour" by Ken MacLeod, "Violation of the TrueNet Security Act" by Taiyo Fujii, "Twelve Minutes to Vinh Quang" by T. R. Napper, and "Operation Daniel" by Khalid Kaki.
Also posted on Bochord Online.

7 reasons why I think FFIE will squeeze.
1. Traction and Media Attention.
-Once traction picks up on $FFIE, it will be over for the hedgies. We must work the stock in order to meet WSB's requirements and bring in more fighters.
2. Short interest remains staggering 95.36% and 36.3 million shares are borrowed
-This must be accounted for. Once we raise the stock price, it will induce the need to cover the short positions, leading to the big short squeeze we are looking for. (Got it from Fintel, can't link for some reason),
Edit: went in-depth more in reason #10 due to requests.
3. The stock has seen incredible performance and has fundamental value -Surging from 0.04$ to 3.80$ is no easy feat. This highlights the strength of retail investors as we stand up to the big money.
-FFIE has also announced cooperation with Master Investment Group and Siraj Holding LLC in the Middle East, establishing a strategic effort to expand business.
4. Your fellow apes are in the trenches with you. YOU ARE NOT ALONE.
-There are those who have lost a lot, and there are those who missed out on a lot. Nonetheless, we must not let our fellow apes be stranded. We are coming with more backup and support everyday!
5. Trading volume is extremely high, reaching over 9 figures, indicating strength and oncoming fire that is FFIE.
6. SEC Rule 201, this restricts the short selling after significant price decline. It is currently in effect for FFIE, reducing potential for short attacks and aiding in the squeeze. More power to retail this week.
Edit: I've linked multiple threads/sources in the comment section. Sources indicate that SEC Rule ended after today.
7. Historical Precedent: The same song is being sung here as with GME, AMC, and the other meme stocks. I believe in the potential and I am confident in our community.
PSA: THIS IS NOT FINANCIAL ADVICE, I AM NOT AN EXPERT. I'M JUST AN APE. I CAN BE WRONG.
AS FOR ME, I'M NOT SELLING....
Edit: Reading other sources, I want to add more reasons.
8. Regulation and Market Dynamics aka closing above 1$
-Why is this important?
If FFIE maintains a closing price above 1$ for seven consecutive sessions. It will no longer be at risk of being delisted from the Nasdaq. Staying listed will ensure CONTINUED access to a larger pool of investors and maintains regulatory compliance standards, basically enhancing INVESTOR CONFIDENCE AND MARKET STABILITY FOR FFIE.
Edit: UNDERSTAND IF THE STOCK PRICE DROPS TO 0, SHORT SELLERS DO NOT HAVE TO SPEND ANY MONEY TO BUY BACK THE SHARES. IF IT DID, THEIR PROFIT WOULD ESSENTIALLY BE THE TOTAL AMOUNT THEY SOLD THE BORROWED SHARES FOR.
This basically means we can INFLICT UNLIMITED LOSS IF THE STOCK PRICE INCREASES INSTEAD OF DECREASE.
9. FFIE on the REG SHO and FTDs
FTD (fail-to-deliver) occur when a seller (short seller) does not deliver the securities sold by the settlement day. This can happen for a variety of reasons. FTD can be caused when many investors short a stock, depleting the supply of available shares to borrow. High short interest = susceptible to FTDs. Higher # of FTDs = more pressure on short sellers to cover.
In a nutshell, short sellers borrow shares to sell on market. They sell them to buyer. Short seller then can't deliver the sold shares to the buyer by settlement date.
-Being on the REG SHO List indicates that FFIE has experienced a substantial number of fails-to-deliver OVER A CONSECUTIVE FIVE-DAY PERIOD. This means short sellers have not been able to deliver the shares they sold, often due to the unavailability of borrowed shares.
-Once the threat of delisting is removed, short sellers will be compelled to close out their positions by purchasing actual shares from the market. According to SEC regulations, they are required to do so within ( typically ) 35 days of the stock being listed on the REG SHO List. This mandatory covering may drive up stock price due to increased demand.
HERE'S HOW IT AFFECTS FFIE. SHORT SELLERS WHO CANNOT DELIVER SHARES ARE REQUIRED TO COVER THEIR POSITIONS BY BUYING SHARES FROM THE MARKET.
10. Retailers BUYING ANDDD HOLDING We buy and hold because the short sellers only benefit by making the price go down. What happens if it stays up or hell, even increase?? THEY'LL HAVE NO CHOICE BUT TO COVER. (Extension to point 2.)
-Imagine you're a short seller, you want the stock to go to 0$ so you can walk out with significant profits without BUYING BACK the BORROWED shares ok?
Then you see a bunch of apes keeping the price up. Now what? HOW HIGH CAN IT GO? How long can it stay up?
-However long this takes, it will inflict losses. The potential for a stock to skyrocket is theoretically indefinite, BECAUSE a stock price can go up forever. EVEN IF THEY SEND THE STOCK TO 10$ AND PUSH IT ALL THE WAY DOWN TO 1$, WE MUST REMEMBER....
IT'S ONLY EVER IMPERATIVE TO KEEP HOLDING UNTIL THEY HAVE NO OTHER CHOICE BUT TO BUY BACK THEIR BORROWED SHARES. ONCE THEY REALIZE THE POTENTIAL OF THE STOCK WON'T EVER REACH THE PRICE TARGET, THEY WILL ACCEPT DEFEAT AND BUY BACK THE BORROWED SHARES. GIVING US THE SHORT SQUEEZE AND WE WILL WIN.
THAT'S WHY IT'S SO IMPORTANT TO BUY AND HOLD, THIS CAN SKYROCKET.
WE MUST HOLD THE LINE. BLEED THEM UNTIL THEY HAVE NO CHOICE BUT TO COVER THEIR SHORTS.
I'M IN WITH YOU APES TIL THE END. THANK YOU FOR ALL THE SUPPORT.

Car is going to the garage in a few days - just wanted to hear some thoughts on what you guys think it could be so I can fix this asap.
Symptoms: Cruise control stops working (won’t let me set the speed) Or Cruise control turns on but car does not maintain RPM and the speed gradually falls Or I can set the speed and it maintains it but constantly “pulses” (if, for example, it’s set at 70 it will fluctuate between 68 - 71 as if something is blipping the throttle)
If I push the clutch pedal up with my toe it works fine until I let go. Doing the same when in neutral and stationary causes the rpm to spike and settle back down.
When: This is a sporadic issue - most of the time it works great except on long drives where it will fail after around 100 miles - usually after I stop to pay a toll)
Turning the car on and off does not fix the issue. The problem tends to disappear the next day. There are no leaks in either the master or slave cylinders as far as I can see. All fluids replaced in the last 6 months. The clutch peddle does creak a little when pressed down and is a bit stiffer than I’d like it to be but might be normal for this car.
My mechanic thinks it’s the clutch sensor sticking but I’m worried the issue will disappear as soon as I pull into the garage. Car is a 2014 Civic at 100k.
Any advice would be appreciated!

Sort of a rant, sort of asking for advice here. I’m 6w PP, my fiance and I are pretty young parents (24), and our baby unfortunately has CMPA which has caused him to be extremely colicky for his whole life so far. I’m talking crying every moment he’s awake, not sleeping unless he’s on me, etc. That being said, his father cannot soothe him - he just doesn’t have the ability to get him to stop crying. So essentially I have to hold him/be with him 24/7, or else he’d be crying 24 hours a day. My fiance also does not get up with him in the middle of the night (he used to but gave up on that I guess), that’s solely my responsibility, as I’m breastfeeding all throughout the night. So I generally get around 2 hours of sleep every night, and he gets 6-8 hours depending on LOs crying throughout the night. He works 9-5 (not a physical labor job, more of a mentally challenging job), and will come home and say he’s so tired, burnt out, etc. and then take a nap. It’s almost a slap in the face when he gets a full nights rest, and I’m sitting there, 2 hours of sleep, unshowered, haven’t eaten, and cannot ever take a nap during the day. I understand that he works so I can stay home, but he acts like going to work and sitting in an office is harder than taking care of a colicky newborn. Just so frustrating, and I’m having a hard time not resenting my partner after all of this, especially when he brings up wanting more kids (easy to say when your not the one sacrificing your body, mental health, and sleep for them). I don’t want to resent him but having a hard time not thinking this way

This is going to be long, sorry about that.
Hi, so I, a male (27), I have to put the reality that I have a bulged disc and have to to rest for 2 months while I get back to normal; with the assistance of physical therapist, medicine, and rest/ stretches. I have told my family but well they said “you still have to pull your weight” but that pain is an 11/10 after a while. I’m doing better now as I’m able to stand and walk longer; sitting takes its toll still. But they really don’t like me to rest. My mom (F, 52) advocates to go against PT advice and well she did that and now she has a calcified herniated disc due to her stubbornness; she didn’t want to listen to her own PT’s advice.
So my family takes these stray pregnant cat into the apartment. We noticed she has a flea collar and looked clean; but she could have been out there for months or weeks. And well the stray actually gave birth that same day. So that great right? Well on the 3rd day of having her; we were Looking for 2 kittens that ran around and we found them. However, my mom hears the dog howling downstairs and is like “if you go down there, bring him up, my poor dog is losing it”. The dog is a chihuahua / Yorkie mix that clearly has separation anxiety. So I go down there, take a break while they are upstairs and raise my legs cause pain started coming. I bring the dog back up because well she said “they’ve brought the dogs up and it’s went well”. So I bring the dog up, struggling, but I do it (I’m using a cane). We had a gate that would keep the stray in a room. As I get there, my sister (F, 25) is next to the gate. My mom says “let him down”, to which I do. The stray hears that and my sister to slow to react, being next to the gate allows the cat to shove the gate and goes for my dog. I jump into action and try holding the cat down with my arm cause well, it’s my dog; had him since a puppy for crying out loud. And I saw her stance, we own cats (for years), stray was getting ready to jump and attack my dog, so I had to jump. But remember I have a bulged disc on my right side. So I jump and she leaves me with 4 bites; deep hole in my wrist and forearm and a bunch of scratches. I mean seeing that on my body, I’ve never been so enraged. The damage was insane and that happened like 12:45-1pm. But I got up; hurting up my progress for my disc and my arm beat with holes; both on my right side, mind you. My sister and mother tell me told me to leave and didn’t thank me for preventing another attack on my dog. I went downstairs trying to calm down. My mom tried to remedy it to gain sympathy and I’m like “kick the stray out or once the babies are good, kick her out”. I felt like reprimanding the stray for how she left my body and hurt my dog. I was trying to calm down and my mother decided to blast music and I’m like “can you turn it off for a few minutes? I’m trying to calm down”. She respond with “No I want some noise, some music”. I responded with “or call animal control cause I’m going up there for quietness, it was that loud. She’s like “no and says I’ll call the police on you if you go up there”. I’m like “call them, I just took a photo of my arm and it’s time stamped before you call them because she is a stray”. I go there and just drop on the bed but my sister and mom were telling me to leave. It doesn’t stop bleeding so I call my GF (F 25) because she has had cats and dogs and saved strays too. And she also agree that if she attacked once. She agrees I did the right thing to protect my dogs and I confided in her in how I wanted to reprimand the cat because my family told me to the leave the room and didn’t help me calm down. My GF advised that I got to the ER after I told her the situation to get my rabies shot. So I went, as I’m there my bulged disc starts hurting like crazy. I try using multiple chairs to elevate my legs to reduce the pain but pain is like 8/10. I had to do scans for an x-ray and my arm I notice is still squirting and oozing and entry bite wounds are black, my wrist is swollen to the point gravity hurts it; I honestly felt like crying; back is now 8/10 in pain and wrist 9/10. The radiologist made me do poses that were uncomfortable and hurt like crazy. They do a bl$&d analysis and are like “we think we’re gonna give you antibiotics and re-administer some vaccines cause that stray looks like it had something in its bites, as determined from the entry wounds. The swelling was also another worrisome thing about it, so they gave 3 Tylenols, tetanus shot, rabies shot, and 4 antibiotics for each wound. They were painful and I had gone through so much pain for the day, I could barely walk home at this point and felt like my right arm and leg were gonna fall off my body. At this time I realized my family didn’t even offer to help me. When I got home I needed to raise my legs for a few minutes and didn’t want to be in their vicinity. As I’m still letting that help me, my sister is like “Hi, scoot over, my drink is here” and I’m like “There is an empty sofa over there?” And she says “is it even that bad?” referring to my right wrist and forearm injury from the stray. I’m like “no shit, if I got 8-9 shots, now give me a minute, I’ll move soon”. She’s like “well I want to sit here”. I’m like “how about you check on the stray you sided with while I protected our dog? And stop being a d@$&head” And she makes the excuse “she stopped or was gonna stop!” And she said “you didn’t have to stop her”. I’m like “I did something you both weren’t going to do or were to slow to do and I needed to protect our dog” and her response is “who’s gonna protect her?”. My mom smiling and laughing and I’m like “I protect our dog and not even a thank you, Screw it”. And I continued with “yall didn’t really care if I was okay not even to help”. Luckily my GF was on the phone hearing everything and as I’m talking her to make me feel less alone, my mom blasts the music on purpose so I couldn’t hear her or her me but I had earphones with a mic. We concluded that it was best to Alienate myself from my family. AITA for trying to remove the cats?
Update 1: So it’s been a week since I wrote this. We tried to have someone from a none-profit organization to collect the kittens cause the living environment that my family has them in includes housing them in a location that can be taken at anytime. Feeding them from 3-6 hours, not picking up the feces or fecal matter. We tried talking to them the day before about surrendering the cats. So I wouldn’t have to call animal control and go straight to a caring resource. My family threatened to destroy my property and things, including kicking me out to an unstable apartment or throwing my stuff out, if I didn’t return the cats. I ended up crying in the middle of a train station with my GF and made a compromise to keep my stuff until I move it to storage (like my family wanted) and live with my family once I returned the cats. So I comprised and brought the cats back.
Update 2: it’s been 2 weeks and now my family wants me to leave, even though they have the cats. And that I need to go but I don’t have anywhere to officially go. Do you have any words for my situation?

I missed 2 pills on my last pill sheet (March) and then still took my four days of placebos that followed because I didn’t realise I should have just started my next sheet. When I went to start my new pill sheet I got sick and threw up the first two days of pills, so in total I didn’t properly take the pill for 8 days. I had unprotected sex twice during this time and some spotting. I’ve now finished my next sheet and my withdrawal bleed never came.
I have always had my withdrawal bleed by the fourth day of placebos, but it’s been a week since then and I haven’t even spotted.
I have taken pregnancy tests which have come up with a faint line but the lines always come up well after the test window so I don’t trust them to be accurate. The lines are also thin so I think they’re just evaporation lines.
Is it worth it to get a blood hcg test done to be sure? Can missing pills cause my withdrawal bleed to not happen?
Please don’t judge me for missing the pills, I’ve now adjusted the time I take them to be earlier and haven’t missed any since. I was going through a rough patch with my health and kept falling asleep before it was time to take my pill and wouldn’t realise I’d missed them.

TW ⚠️ (paranormal) please stop reading now if you are easily upset or afraid of these things.
I’m going to be going over a lot of stuff so I do hope you stick around till the end…
World War III is happening however, It’s mostly taking place in the psychic/spiritual realm.
In Eckhart Tolles book, “The Power of Now” and “The Secret” by Rhonda Byrnes, they essentially state that our thoughts aren’t our own. My intention for this post is to tell you and warn you about the ways in which the mind can be tampered with and manipulated. If I asked you to calm your thoughts for a second and predict what thought you would have next….most if not all of us will not be able to come up with anything. Our minds can easily be manipulated especially now more than ever because of the instability that is occurring in the world. You might not think that it is impacting you or that nothing like that could happen to you but it will…trust. Whatever happens in one area will spread to another area kinda like COVID except what I’m talking about here in particular are spirits. Metaphorically, Pandora’s box has been opened and there’s no way around it except to face what will be happening next. My mom keeps asking me why I’m so concerned with the state of the world that I should just focus on myself and focus on what I want but my mind is NOT wired that way. I am not trying to fear monger but there is a great spiritual war that is about to play out on the world wide stage. The Vatican is announcing on the 17th the ways in which we can deal with these possible spiritual encounters but I’ve been dealing with these types of things for years now so I picked up a few things on how to thwart away some of their negative influences. Which I will be getting into later. As I mentioned before there’s four dimensions to my “gifts”.
1.channeled thoughts 2.Feelings/sensations 3.Dreams 4.visions
I didn’t have access to all four until recently I’d say probably somewhere around 10-11 months ago. I only had access to 2 & 3. However when your mind & body is put through a lot of stress certain “junk” DNA gets unlocked. What I’m talking about right now is epigenetics. We all have generational curses but we also have generational gifts. These gifts can be unlocked when we are put in situations that push us past our mental and emotional boundaries. Nevertheless, close friends and family around me know that not only have I been receiving certain messages (aka downloads as many spiritual people call it) regarding myself, the people in my life but also the world. Some of the downloads that come in can be very dark in nature but they aren’t necessarily my own. For example, I am not a suicidal person but I kept getting these visions of getting shot in the head and It didn’t show me who it was. There are many instances that I’ve had odd visions like that. Sometimes I would see sexual visions about people I’m not even sexually attracted to so these things would confuse the fuck out of me. And made me feel like damn I didn’t know my mind is so dirty but the truth is I don’t have a dirty mind but these visions would still come to me in that way as if trying to tell me something about those certain hypocrites oopse I mean people. Mainstream doctors have no answers for me. They love to slap a diagnosis on me and fill me up with drugs and “medication” that treat the symptom of the problem but not the problem itself. I shouldn’t have to say this but yes I take my meds every time I am given them. However, these medications fundamentally are ineffective FOR ME. Because I am not sick and I have been trying to deal with my abilities and “powers”. no one around me really has them (they do actually just not as developed as mine are unfortunately). My friends and family are doing everything in the power to understand me and what Im going through and be there for me but unfortunately they cannot even though they think they do/can. I wish I could place each and every one of you into my mind and memories so that you can see exactly what I’m experiencing.
I must seek out the help of a spiritual mentor kinda like the bald lady from Dr. Strange but that would probably require me to travel to some sort of Asian country to get the real deal…unless anyone can tell me someone in the USA I could talk to???
According the the Vatican these sort of visions might start to happen to people who have never had visions like these before. The vibration of the planet is rising and unfortunately this means that we’re going to start becoming sensitive to the spiritual realms. and if it does start happening to you or someone you know please follow the directions below.
Keep in mind that there’s a VERY thin line between spiritual awakening and psychosis. It’s like walking a tight rope. It’s not good to veer too far to one side or the other (tangible vs. Intangible worlds)
You’ll need sage or palo santo, epsome salt and this last part is optional but you can buy one or two crystal bracelets with properties that resonate with you. Which arm you wear them on is important aswell. Left arm is masculine energy and right is feminine. Wearing the bracelet on one arm or the other makes a difference. I’d be here typing forever if I explained everything but a quick google search should do.
Directions for cleansing & protecting your home:
First make sure all the windows are closed and light the palo Santo or sage and walk all through out your home until the smoke saturates the area afterwards I’d say wait like 10 mins then open all the windows of your house. This will cause any negative energies or spirits to leave your home.
Second cleanse all protection talismans in the house with sage, evil eye beads, crystal bracelets, hamsa hand decorations, etc.
Third prayer is so powerful & underrated please make sure you recite a prayer from whatever religion you believe in, you can even airplay the prayer onto the TV of your home for the same effect. For those of you that aren’t religious I would recommend playing some solfeggio frequencies.
Directions for cleansing & protecting yourself and loved ones:
First use sage or palo santo to trace the shape of your body, put your arms and hands underneath the smoke and in your minds eye imagine that the smoke is penetrating the darkness deep within you (darkness exists within us all no matter how religious or pure you claim yourself to be).
Two take a pure Epsom salt bath, submerge yourself completely and wait like 15-20 mins while rubbing the salt into your skin till it dissolves.
Three drink water with intentions in it such as holy water or zam zam water. It also helps to carry a paper or a book with you with prayers and religious texts on it.
Four Wear a veil or bandana over your head to cover the crown chakra, a simple hoodie also works
Five Walk around in a grassy area barefoot for about 15-20 minutes so that your body absorbs negative ions. Or alternatively visit the beach and walk around there.
Please feel free to add your own suggestions or ask me any questions or not

TW ⚠️ (paranormal) please stop reading now if you are easily upset or afraid of these things.
I’m going to be going over a lot of stuff so I do hope you stick around till the end…
World War III is happening however, It’s mostly taking place in the psychic/spiritual realm.
In Eckhart Tolles book, “The Power of Now” and “The Secret” by Rhonda Byrnes, they essentially state that our thoughts aren’t our own. My intention for this post is to tell you and warn you about the ways in which the mind can be tampered with and manipulated. If I asked you to calm your thoughts for a second and predict what thought you would have next….most if not all of us will not be able to come up with anything. Our minds can easily be manipulated especially now more than ever because of the instability that is occurring in the world. You might not think that it is impacting you or that nothing like that could happen to you but it will…trust. Whatever happens in one area will spread to another area kinda like COVID except what I’m talking about here in particular are spirits. Metaphorically, Pandora’s box has been opened and there’s no way around it except to face what will be happening next. My mom keeps asking me why I’m so concerned with the state of the world that I should just focus on myself and focus on what I want but my mind is NOT wired that way. I am not trying to fear monger but there is a great spiritual war that is about to play out on the world wide stage. The Vatican is announcing on the 17th the ways in which we can deal with these possible spiritual encounters but I’ve been dealing with these types of things for years now so I picked up a few things on how to thwart away some of their negative influences. Which I will be getting into later. As I mentioned before there’s four dimensions to my “gifts”.
1.channeled thoughts 2.Feelings/sensations 3.Dreams 4.visions
I didn’t have access to all four until recently I’d say probably somewhere around 10-11 months ago. I only had access to 2 & 3. However when your mind & body is put through a lot of stress certain “junk” DNA gets unlocked. What I’m talking about right now is epigenetics. We all have generational curses but we also have generational gifts. These gifts can be unlocked when we are put in situations that push us past our mental and emotional boundaries. Nevertheless, close friends and family around me know that not only have I been receiving certain messages (aka downloads as many spiritual people call it) regarding myself, the people in my life but also the world. Some of the downloads that come in can be very dark in nature but they aren’t necessarily my own. For example, I am not a suicidal person but I kept getting these visions of getting shot in the head and It didn’t show me who it was. There are many instances that I’ve had odd visions like that. Sometimes I would see sexual visions about people I’m not even sexually attracted to so these things would confuse the fuck out of me. And made me feel like damn I didn’t know my mind is so dirty but the truth is I don’t have a dirty mind but these visions would still come to me in that way as if trying to tell me something about those certain hypocrites oopse I mean people. Mainstream doctors have no answers for me. They love to slap a diagnosis on me and fill me up with drugs and “medication” that treat the symptom of the problem but not the problem itself. I shouldn’t have to say this but yes I take my meds every time I am given them. However, these medications fundamentally are ineffective FOR ME. Because I am not sick and I have been trying to deal with my abilities and “powers”. no one around me really has them (they do actually just not as developed as mine are unfortunately). My friends and family are doing everything in the power to understand me and what Im going through and be there for me but unfortunately they cannot even though they think they do/can. I wish I could place each and every one of you into my mind and memories so that you can see exactly what I’m experiencing.
I must seek out the help of a spiritual mentor kinda like the bald lady from Dr. Strange but that would probably require me to travel to some sort of Asian country to get the real deal…unless anyone can tell me someone in the USA I could talk to???
According the the Vatican these sort of visions might start to happen to people who have never had visions like these before. The vibration of the planet is rising and unfortunately this means that we’re going to start becoming sensitive to the spiritual realms. and if it does start happening to you or someone you know please follow the directions below.
Keep in mind that there’s a VERY thin line between spiritual awakening and psychosis. It’s like walking a tight rope. It’s not good to veer too far to one side or the other (tangible vs. Intangible worlds)
You’ll need sage or palo santo, epsome salt and this last part is optional but you can buy one or two crystal bracelets with properties that resonate with you. Which arm you wear them on is important aswell. Left arm is masculine energy and right is feminine. Wearing the bracelet on one arm or the other makes a difference. I’d be here typing forever if I explained everything but a quick google search should do.
Directions for cleansing & protecting your home:
First make sure all the windows are closed and light the palo Santo or sage and walk all through out your home until the smoke saturates the area afterwards I’d say wait like 10 mins then open all the windows of your house. This will cause any negative energies or spirits to leave your home.
Second cleanse all protection talismans in the house with sage, evil eye beads, crystal bracelets, hamsa hand decorations, etc.
Third prayer is so powerful & underrated please make sure you recite a prayer from whatever religion you believe in, you can even airplay the prayer onto the TV of your home for the same effect. For those of you that aren’t religious I would recommend playing some solfeggio frequencies.
Directions for cleansing & protecting yourself and loved ones:
First use sage or palo santo to trace the shape of your body, put your arms and hands underneath the smoke and in your minds eye imagine that the smoke is penetrating the darkness deep within you (darkness exists within us all no matter how religious or pure you claim yourself to be).
Two take a pure Epsom salt bath, submerge yourself completely and wait like 15-20 mins while rubbing the salt into your skin till it dissolves.
Three drink water with intentions in it such as holy water or zam zam water. It also helps to carry a paper or a book with you with prayers and religious texts on it.
Four Wear a veil or bandana over your head to cover the crown chakra, a simple hoodie also works
Five Walk around in a grassy area barefoot for about 15-20 minutes so that your body absorbs negative ions. Or alternatively visit the beach and walk around there.
Please feel free to add your own suggestions or ask me any questions or not

Can someone please help me with all of this. I’ve done this before months ago. It didn’t work. I’m glad it didn’t work. I got over it and said no I don’t want this anymore. I don’t want this person anymore. I want someone new that will right off the bat treat me how I should be treated and to be loved how I love someone else. And what do you know someone new came. It’s been a month. I have never been so infatuated by someone and treated so well and has showed me love how I do. Things went south. We got into a heated argument. I’m not going to go into detail. Now he wants to be friends. This whole time I’ve un consciously manifested all these positive things with him. How do I get back to us? Before anyone says anything negative leave it. I don’t have room for anyone saying it does not work when it has the whole relationship up until now.
Im feeling very Heart broken from the other day and I am not giving up on him. So please can someone point me in the right direction. I know in my heart that he’s coming back. My mind is just thinking when. When. WHEN. No matter what he says to me I automatically going my mind “yeah you’ll be back, you’ll want to be with me, you’ll want to work things out” repeatedly in my head no matter how many times he told me. I firmly believe that.
So again. Is there anyone I can talk to cause I’m not about to pour the rest of my heart and soul out on a Reddit thread. I’d rather just talk to an individual that KNOWS what I have been through and has succeeded. my anxiety needs reassurance.

So, we've been playing this campaign now for 7 years with sessions about once per month. For the last 20 sessions the group has been chasing this cult for Tharizdun. They’ve had some successes, some bad streaks, lost and gained opportunities for information and have now been able to wipe out a large (and very important) part of the organization.
However, I, as the GM, have some problems regarding how to continue this arc. This cult operates with independent companies which work in secrecy. The group has been able to eliminate some of these groups and they also know of the existence of the others, but don’t know where any are located. My idea was to let the party go on with different things now that there are no more leads for them to follow, and for this cult to crop up again much later in the campaign.
I have tried to indicate this to my players both in and out of the game. I did this in game by bringing them to more and more civilized locations and by having the final important cult member rat out anyone and anything he knew of to the party and the authorities because he knew it was a lost cause at that point (at least for him). The party assisted in arresting the remaining cultists together with the authorities instead of fighting them in combat and the authorities mentioned they performed a successful raid at a second cult location. Out of game I told my players that I, as the DM, would like to leave this cult stuff behind as it’s been dragging on for so long and I feel like we’d all enjoy something different. Despite this, some players still feel that this whole ordeal is quite unresolved.
In conversations with them I seem to understand they do this more out of loyalty for a “correct” story: As long as their characters see that this dangerous threat exists in some way, they should keep chasing it until it is completely resolved, even if they don’t really know where to look (they know there is ‘a presence’ in the largest city on the continent, and that’s about it). Some people going even so far as to attempt to track every single cultist that got away at some point (i.e., we know they existed at some point and haven’t murdered or arrested them so they must be out there still and could be dangerous). However, I believe that most of them (if not all) would enjoy a change of pace and several people have been advocating to get a few months of downtime.
Does anyone have advice on how to tie of this current arc without them going on this unfruitful journey to search these unfindable companies? I am actually mainly looking for a way to tie this arc off in such a way so that everyone is satisfied with how it went. This way, their characters can now go on for something else and leave this cult stuff behind, if at least for a while.

Well that was fun! Here’s today’s recap, + What might come
Well that was fun. Here’s a Recap, + What might come
DISCLAIMER ⚠️ I AM NOT A FINANCIAL ADVISOR, THIS IS NOT FINANCIAL ADVISE
To any other FFIE investors with more knowledge on what’s going on right now, as well as more experience in retail investing, please feel free to correct me on, or to add onto any point in this post.
Okay - We made it. It wasn’t easy, definitely a little scary, but the market is closed (after hours are open but we will get to that later), and now we rest. But I know a lot of you crazy apes weren’t paying too much attention to every second of the day, that’s where I help out. Here’s a little recap of how today went:
After ending the day at $1.03 per share Friday, we opened up strong during today’s pre-market hours at $1.73 per share. What does this mean? Well it means a lot of you crazy little apes had orders placed, or the even crazier ones were up during pre-market placing orders in. Now that’s serious dedication 😳
Now, I know what you’re thinking. “All the other apes said today we were going to the moon! We’re still under $2! Where’s our money??” Not so fast silly little ape. Come, let me teach you about volume. 👨‍🏫
Today’s volume was a WHOPPING 677.89M.😱 What’s “today’s volume” ? Volume is the total of buys & sells of a stock in a certain time period. For a stock like FFIE, 677.89M is a BIG number. And because a lot of us HELD like we were supposed to, we finished regular market hours at +65.05% than friday evening. 👏🏼👏🏼 But why wasn’t it more? Why didn’t FFIE boom like other silly little apes promised? It’s simple, keep following me and you’ll understand, I promise. 🙂‍↕️
Because of the short ladder attack against us on Friday, the SEC gave us a hand and sanctioned a new uptick rule (see here - https://www.reddit.com/FFIE/s/nw6Rt12bmm ). This leaves the big bad suits with 2 options (paraphrased from u/Maximum-Purpose-1568 , Thank you sima’am): “ 1. They can cut their losses, and buy up the shares at current market value (this is the beginning of a cascade where the "squeezers" all get rich). Essentially, any share that a hedge fund purchases to mitigate their losses will increase the value of our shares. 2. They can continue to hold their shorted stock "loans" and hope the market drops again next week. If this is the case, you will need to continue to hold your shares until they crack (they pay a lot of money for each day they continue to short)”
So what happened? What does all this crazy talk mean!?!? Well given what happened today (a steady change in stock price throughout market hours, and very little volatility compared to recent days), this only means the Big Bad Suits chose option 2. They don’t think we’re serious and they’re doubling down. So what now? 🤔 We triple down. 😤
You see my fellow banana peelers, this was never a scam. This was never a get rich overnight scheme. This is quite literally, a fight between the rich, and the poor. The wolves in suits collectively believe we will give up, sell, and walk away, ultimately leaving them to walk away Scott free. Oh no, not this time. 👎🏼
So what do we do? Well, I can only tell you what CAN HAPPEN.
I AM NOT A FINANCIAL ADVISOR. THIS IS NOT FINANCIAL ADVISE
Right now at the rate that you crazy apes are going, we can keep FFIE above a dollar for 7 more closing nights. What would this mean? This would mean the Hedge’s have 7 days until FFIE officially can no longer be delisted from NASDAQ.👏🏼 Now because these Hedge’s betted AGAINST FFIE, this is absolutely not good news for them because they’d have to pay back the stocks they shorted, plus the interest (which all depends on how much we can make this stock rise). This is what we’re all waiting for. “The Short Squeeze.” 🍋🍋
“Big Ape! Too many words!!” Okay Okay, i’ll dumb it down for you. The smartest moves for us little guys to collectively make would be to buy, and hold. 💎🤲🏼 “But if we all buy and hold then how come there are still dips?” Because the Hedge’s will sell their shares. This causes the price of the stock to fall. They do this purposefully to make us panic, and sell. “So what do WE do about that?” Simple, we eat those shares right up. Remember, the Hedge’s are hoping we ignore these sold shares, as well as sell our owned shares, they don’t really want to lose the shares they sell. The way to genuinely stick it to them besides holding, is to buy during the dip. “How do I know its the best time to buy??” No one knows when a dip will end. The best thing to do is to go with your gut feeling and to buy when YOU feel comfortable. Remember, a dip is bound to come back up as long as we Hold and Buy, so don’t get too greedy when it comes to the best price per share. PLEASE SPREAD THE WORD
New post - https://www.reddit.com/FFIE/s/5m9YiNySoH

So Saturday I got to 6 days sober and I was really proud of myself. I wasn’t planning on drinking but work was such a shit show that day it made me crave booze. I was proud of myself cause I left work w out buying any alcohol but when I left my house later that day to buy cat food before I knew it i was at the lcbo. I told myself I’d just drink that night but here we are Tuesday morning still drunk from drinking all day yesterday. I called off work cause I have another shift at my second job later today and I knew I couldn’t do both shifts feeling the way I do right now. Im just frustrated cause it happens all the time, im sober and doing really well for almost a week then I drink and go on a bender for a few days. Does anyone have any tips to deal with cravings? I feel like if i could just get better at powering through my cravings then i can stay sober

Messages between A and B

Context: A reaches out to B after B stopped talking to A for 2 years over a disagreement. A now wants to reconnect with B again. When discussing each other's plans, A mentions that they have been sober for 7 months and that they plan to drink again in the summer. A begins to notice a shift in B's energy towards them in text messages, and perceives this as B misinterpreting A's intentions for reaching out again. A pinpoints B's behaviour to the meme, subliminal messaging, and intentional misspelling of words.
B- Sends Meme which says “Me 5 mins into Alcoholics Anonymous trying to convince everyone to come to the pub”
A- “Listen man I’ve been getting the vibe that you may think me reaching out to you again wasn’t coming from a genuine place. My therapist has been telling me I need to communicate more, so I’m gonna try be as transparent as possible here. I thought there was no point in tryna reach out to you again as you wouldn’t respond, but then you liked my post back on New Year’s Eve, so I was happy and thought maybe there’s a chance we could still reconnect again, but I still wasn’t sure if you were gonna respond so I kept putting it off until I finally messaged you at the end of March. During my meetings we constantly discuss seeking healthy friendships as a pose to my old ones and I knew it just made sense to message you again, you’ve always been the realist out of all our old friendship group, so why not do it now I’m sober…
When I told you I’d been sober since the end of September, and that I will drink in the summer again I said that not because I was looking for drinking mates but because I wanted to be honest with you and myself about my sobriety, I mention it all the time at weekly group meetings. Right now I’m at a space where I don’t really wanna drink and I’m not really as keen as I was before on drinking in the summer like I said to you but the point is, I say I will drink again, because if I do end up drinking in the summer or whenever, I won’t feel as guilty about it, as a pose to me saying I’m staying sober…. If that makes sense? Also I know I wasn’t exactly the best mate to have when drinking so I just wanted to make it clear with where I may be headed, rather than surprise you down the line. If you don’t really like the sound of that, that’s fine I get it, maybe reconnecting again isn’t the best idea. But I just wanted to be as honest and direct as possible, man. I hope you can understand.”
B- “Honestly mate I haven’t given you messaging me again too much thought other than you tryna reconnect.
When we last spoke properly I was just annoyed as I felt like you handle things in a kinda selfish way and I’m ngl I did a thing I’m good at and just ignored you other than talk to you about it. But yeah even though ignored you I haven’t said a bad thing about you to anyone cause I honestly had no bad blood for ya at all.
I can’t promise I’m gonna be available to hang out all the time or anything as I’m working a lot atm plus having the mrs it does limit my time but I was honest when I said I am definitely up for us hanging out again at some point”
A- “I’ll hold myself accountable and admit I was acting selfishly, so I understand why you reacted they way you did looking back. Yh when I spoke to **** about it I got that same impression off him, and it was likewise for me, I spoke good of you and said it was a shame how things turned out.
That’s completely understandable you being busy with work and the Mrs, I never doubted that, and I don’t wanna come across as pushy. My messages earlier came from a place of wanting to address any misunderstandings that you may have had, as I know it can lead to unnecessary resentment or conflict. But from what you’re saying I can now see it’s not the case, so I’m just glad we communicated and are on the same page man ”
B- “Yeah man we’re cool if you’re free next week at some point lmk and we can hang out”
A- “Yh I’ll be real I still get the feeling you think I’m not being genuine. What you gotta understand is me reaching out comes from a place of wanting to find connection again- healthy connection anyways, the going out drinking and all that is only a by-product of it all, and I’d be lying if I said I don’t miss going out club or pub with you, but it’s bigger than that.
Idk if ***** maybe tried to tell you a different narrative (I’ll dis-prove anything if he has), but I cut off everyone at the end of September, I reached my lowest point. Since then I’ve been working on myself I don’t meet anyone I don’t have any social interactions other than when I’m at therapy/group meetings, or talking to people in the gym, and that way I’m able to stay focused and keep my peace. I only do streaks with **** on snap, and when he asked me to meet before I told him no I can’t at the moment, as i’m focused on myself. I don’t want sympathy btw, I’m letting you know how it is, so there isn’t any confusion. When I reached out, this was me coming out of hibernation, more healthy, taking the first step towards interacting with people again- the right people anyways.
I’m happy to meet next week but I have one condition. I’ve been played with enough times to know about that game where they pretend everything’s fine then they strike when you’re least expecting it, and I’m not saying you’re gonna do that but I have trust issues and I’m drained mentally, and I won’t be a part of any unnecessary conflict. So if we’re gonna meet I’m gonna need your word before please, that you’re not gonna try to be passive agressive with me in any shape or form? If you feel a type of way about me, you still don’t believe I’m genuine, I’m more than happy to have an open respectful discussion face to face about it.”
B- “Look mate I’m happy to see you again, it’s been a while but like I said I am really busy, try not to read too much into my replies. I mean what I’m saying”
A- “Apologies for not responding sooner. I’ve been reflecting on the whole situation, trying to be as honest as I can with myself about my intentions. I stand with most of what I said before. I swear I wasn’t lying when I saw you liking my picture in January I wanted to reach out, and I genuinely did keep putting off messaging you until March in fear you wouldn’t respond. When it reached the end of March I told myself I just had to do it as I said. But looking back now, I think I wasn’t being as honest as I thought with myself in regards to my intentions towards messaging you. I definitely wanted to reconnect but I also badly wanted to have a social life and meet people again, (NOT specifically drinking, but understandably the drinking would naturally become a part of it, that’s just how things go).
I feel this other reason became more pressing for me as I became ready to go back to normal life again. But obviously I shouldn’t have had the idea of desperately wanting a social life in mind when messaging you, and actually just messaging you specifically for the sake of reconnecting, to keep the intentions fully genuine. So for that I am sorry. Now I don’t want you to mistake this as me only messaging you again for that sole purpose of having a social life because it was not just that at all, and it genuinely made a big difference not having you as a mate in my life, like I said you were the most real mate I had out of all my mates, and I knew I messed that up, so seeing there was a chance we could be mates again made me real happy.
Obviously in regards to how you perceived my intentions I’ve gathered you are pretty annoyed with me, I can’t change your opinion but I can tell you my truth which I have just said. Unfortunately reconnecting hasn’t worked out so well which I guess I am to blame for with my approach. I think this is God’s sign that it’s not meant to be. I’m sorry I haven’t been as genuine as I thought I was being. I also respect how you never spoke bad of me before even when we weren’t on the best of terms, that demonstrates how real of a mate you were. I don’t have any ill feelings towards you, even if you might do now. I honestly wish you the best on your journey and I’ll always have ratings for you B ”
B- “You what mate good luck yo ya”

TL;DR - selfish asshole of an older brother scams me and my parents out of $200.
Okay, so I’m not doing too well financially, but I live with my Mom and Pops so we try to make ends meet. A couple weeks back we were in such rough shape financially, that I had to juggle three day jobs just to cover rent and suppress the collector’s from knocking on the door regarding our collective debts. We so broke I literally can’t even afford to sleep because in the night=I can get freelance work done. “I can sleep when I’m dead,” has become my full-time motto (unfortunately). Anyways, to try to bring some income in my household I offer services as a freelance video editor.
A while back, my older brother (who’s a career criminal and has flee’d multiple countries when authorities were after him for violent offences) hit me up and asked if I’d be down to edit for him. I was hesitant at first, being as last time I heard from him was after he beat our Mum to a pulp when I was only 12. For context bro or sis, whoever you are that is reading this: if I was only three years older I wouldn’t have let that slide—I would have mobbed his ass right then and there, pinned him down and done him so fucking dirty… IDGAF if my 15 year old ass had gone to juvie for it, I would do anything for my mother, including take a life. But instead, all that’s been imprinted in my brain is how much of a bitch I was at 12–cowering under the dining table as he took multiple shots with a shoe, at our crying helpless mother on the ground.
Anyways it’s been a few years, I’m 24 now and he gave me a big sob story how he has changed. I bought it up like the good little sheeple I am… started editing for him under the guise that he’d pay me $200 per video: SCORE! That’s a lot of money!!!
I got to know his business (shady as fuck) and got to find out he now dreams of being a finance influencer (double shady) but alas, he’s my big bro and no matter what wrong-doing he’s doing, he convinced me that he was a good man. Ight, bet, I’ma edit for him and make some money for the fam! In between his ‘takes’ of videos he sends me, I piece together that his “wife” films the videos, and he’s still an extremely abusive person. He tries not to let it show on camera, but I’m really good with people, emotions and hidden trauma so I can feel the sickening ‘abuser-of-people’ energy SEEPING off of him, still, to this day. I feel sick to my stomach editing for him, but shit, he’s promised me $200 per video. Over the course of a few weeks I can see why he never told us about his wife, it seems he keeps her pent up somewhere in Georgia, Batumi, and forces her to do whatever he wants. He once referred to her as “his slave” which I originally thought was A JOKE, but now in the grand scheme of things… I don’t think it was a joke. I pray that authorities get to them before he does something to her, but idek where to begin to put a ‘concerned citizen tip’ in a foreign country.
Some context as to why I put up with all the red flags: Mom’s not working as she has to take care of the house and she’s also trying to make money online, any ways possible. She’s starting to sell her favourite clothes. It fucking breaks my heart that I can’t do shit about it… at 24 years old, with all the social media influencing and advertising, I feel like garbage that I can’t fully support my parents… at least not yet! Dad is constantly depressed because he’s almost 80 years old and can’t retire ‘cuz my parent’s are in too much debt.
Okay, anyways, three BIG videos done for him (by big, I mean I spent +8 hours on each vid) and brother’s paid me for ONE via PayPal… no worries, he keeps leading me on saying the money will come, the money will come. And PayPal says I got $200 coming my way from him! Uhh ight, bet? Mind you, I start PLANNING my life around this $200 notification because that’s a hot stack for me and my family!!! Takes PayPal about 20 days to actually let me use the money… ridiculous because we NEEDED it… but that’s okay, I work around the problems in life, much like we all have to.
Here comes the turning point: I’m a little overworked and a little coo-coo sometimes, and one night I start telling him personal shit, kinda pouring out my heart to him, venting almost. I don’t really remember about what, just life I guess, nothing negative towards him. Somehow he misconstrues it, gets upset with me, and ‘tells me off.’ I get upset with him, tell him his business is a sham and I’ma change the rules that we agreed upon. Since his fake-ass can’t pay me what was agreed upon, (maybe $200 is a lot for him, as well) so I ask him if we can do $10 per hour instead. I pitch to him that moving forward, anytime I edit more than five hours ($50), I will refuse to edit until the money gets sent. The conversation turns hostile, QUICK. He calls me a ton of bad names with an underlying message that I’m the biggest loser on earth for pursuing a dream in working in Entertainment & he ends it with a sweet “you’ll never be anything.” LOL WHAT? Completely out of pocket and out of left field, so naturally, I tell him to eat shit, I won’t be doing anymore free work and he can pay me a mere $30 (yes, thirty dollars) for the entire portfolio of audios, texts/scripts, videos, and clips I’ve taken from the internet that ‘match’ the vibe he wants in his videos.
Context: at this point I’ve completed SIX FULL VIDEOS FOR THIS DUDE and he’s only paid me the one payment of $200. Not good at maths? Me neither, lemme help you out. He owes me $1,200 from our original agreement because I’ve spent more than 48 collective hours working on his videos, and he’s only paid me $200. But I tell him: I’ll let it all slide if he pays me $30 for the portfolio of about 50 gigabytes, and then moving forward, he’d pay me the $10 per hour if he wanted more content from me. He already has the six full videos in his possession. The ‘portfolio’ is stuff I’ve found that’s free-use on the internet, stuff that I’ve compiled, and even some scripts that I’ve written out! ALL MINE that I did for HIS business. So it seems logical for me to give this portfolio as an option, just incase he wants to say nah moving forward on me editing for him, and just take the material & go our separate ways…
In response, my (35 year old) brother files a complaint on PayPal claiming he only hired me for a channel encompassing trailer that I did not provide and that I’m attempting to extort him for more money. LOL, WHAT? PayPal’s like BET and automatically attempts to deduct from MY chequing account, without even getting to the bottom of it. Obviously doesn’t work, my account (not PayPal account, my fucking bank account. these mf so overzealous that they reached right into my mf pocket!!!!) gets put in the negatives and I attempt to appeal, with no sweat on my brow ‘cuz I’m like no way PayPal finna let this slide. I then proceed to message my terrible relative multiple times, with texts, videos and audio recordings and I’m in a hysterical mess. I begin threatening him, I begin begging to him, pleading with him, saying anything under the sun just for the hope that he has some heart and would send back the $200 if PayPal does end up taking it from me. Already my chequing was fricked but I could do some damage control… I was cocky, thinking PayPal would obviously side with me once they heard the whole story, so I also told him since he’s caused such pain for me out of absolutely nothing, like completely unprovoked, then shit: I want the original $200 PLUS an extra $200 for all this trauma. He responds by blocking me on everything. It’s 4 A.M. and I’m shaking as I’m typing this…
Somehow after all the information I provided, PayPal sides with him. Wow, wait, what? PayPal has since tried to deduct my PERSONAL CHEQUING ACCOUNT multiple times in order to fish back the $200 which I ALREADY HAD TO USE!!! Idk if you ever had a payment tried to be taken out of an account which already has a negative balance, but the payment doesn’t go (it does a minus then a plus) but usually the bank is like WTF and charges you fees. Multiple times = Multiple fees…
Before, I was in the negatives on my ONE chequing account I own… now I’m in the NEGATIVE-NEGATIVES… no clue how tf I’ma get out of it, but we all persevere eventually! I’ve reached out to PayPal but I’m almost sure nothing will come of it.. I’m considering taking PayPal to small claims court to somehow try to fix all this mess, but I fear it’ll break me off more trouble than repair anything. If you want to DM me, I’ll gladly give you my brother’s socials to send a report to his accounts on Instagram or TikTok, or even leave him a not-so-nice comment if you’d like. Also let me know if you know how I can get in contact with the authorities in the country of ‘Georgia.’
I have absolutely no issues posting his socials, address, doxxxing his ass to the fullest extent, all to do whatever’s necessary: because I fear he will one day gain notoriety and scam a shit ton of people. Praying that never happens.
Let me know what y’all think!!!

TL;DR - selfish asshole of an older brother scams me and my parents out of $200.
Okay, so I’m not doing too well financially, but I live with my Mom and Pops so we try to make ends meet. A couple weeks back we were in such rough shape financially, that I had to juggle three day jobs just to cover rent and suppress the collector’s from knocking on the door regarding our collective debts. We so broke I literally can’t even afford to sleep because in the night=I can get freelance work done. “I can sleep when I’m dead,” has become my full-time motto (unfortunately). Anyways, to try to bring some income in my household I offer services as a freelance video editor.
A while back, my older brother (who’s a career criminal and has flee’d multiple countries when authorities were after him for violent offences) hit me up and asked if I’d be down to edit for him. I was hesitant at first, being as last time I heard from him was after he beat our Mum to a pulp when I was only 12. For context bro or sis, whoever you are that is reading this: if I was only three years older I wouldn’t have let that slide—I would have mobbed his ass right then and there, pinned him down and done him so fucking dirty… IDGAF if my 15 year old ass had gone to juvie for it, I would do anything for my mother, including take a life. But instead, all that’s been imprinted in my brain is how much of a bitch I was at 12–cowering under the dining table as he took multiple shots with a shoe, at our crying helpless mother on the ground.
Anyways it’s been a few years, I’m 24 now and he gave me a big sob story how he has changed. I bought it up like the good little sheeple I am… started editing for him under the guise that he’d pay me $200 per video: SCORE! That’s a lot of money!!!
I got to know his business (shady as fuck) and got to find out he now dreams of being a finance influencer (double shady) but alas, he’s my big bro and no matter what wrong-doing he’s doing, he convinced me that he was a good man. Ight, bet, I’ma edit for him and make some money for the fam! In between his ‘takes’ of videos he sends me, I piece together that his “wife” films the videos, and he’s still an extremely abusive person. He tries not to let it show on camera, but I’m really good with people, emotions and hidden trauma so I can feel the sickening ‘abuser-of-people’ energy SEEPING off of him, still, to this day. I feel sick to my stomach editing for him, but shit, he’s promised me $200 per video. Over the course of a few weeks I can see why he never told us about his wife, it seems he keeps her pent up somewhere in Georgia, Batumi, and forces her to do whatever he wants. He once referred to her as “his slave” which I originally thought was A JOKE, but now in the grand scheme of things… I don’t think it was a joke. I pray that authorities get to them before he does something to her, but idek where to begin to put a ‘concerned citizen tip’ in a foreign country.
Some context as to why I put up with all the red flags: Mom’s not working as she has to take care of the house and she’s also trying to make money online, any ways possible. She’s starting to sell her favourite clothes. It fucking breaks my heart that I can’t do shit about it… at 24 years old, with all the social media influencing and advertising, I feel like garbage that I can’t fully support my parents… at least not yet! Dad is constantly depressed because he’s almost 80 years old and can’t retire ‘cuz my parent’s are in too much debt.
Okay, anyways, three BIG videos done for him (by big, I mean I spent +8 hours on each vid) and brother’s paid me for ONE via PayPal… no worries, he keeps leading me on saying the money will come, the money will come. And PayPal says I got $200 coming my way from him! Uhh ight, bet? Mind you, I start PLANNING my life around this $200 notification because that’s a hot stack for me and my family!!! Takes PayPal about 20 days to actually let me use the money… ridiculous because we NEEDED it… but that’s okay, I work around the problems in life, much like we all have to.
Here comes the turning point: I’m a little overworked and a little coo-coo sometimes, and one night I start telling him personal shit, kinda pouring out my heart to him, venting almost. I don’t really remember about what, just life I guess, nothing negative towards him. Somehow he misconstrues it, gets upset with me, and ‘tells me off.’ I get upset with him, tell him his business is a sham and I’ma change the rules that we agreed upon. Since his fake-ass can’t pay me what was agreed upon, (maybe $200 is a lot for him, as well) so I ask him if we can do $10 per hour instead. I pitch to him that moving forward, anytime I edit more than five hours ($50), I will refuse to edit until the money gets sent. The conversation turns hostile, QUICK. He calls me a ton of bad names with an underlying message that I’m the biggest loser on earth for pursuing a dream in working in Entertainment & he ends it with a sweet “you’ll never be anything.” LOL WHAT? Completely out of pocket and out of left field, so naturally, I tell him to eat shit, I won’t be doing anymore free work and he can pay me a mere $30 (yes, thirty dollars) for the entire portfolio of audios, texts/scripts, videos, and clips I’ve taken from the internet that ‘match’ the vibe he wants in his videos.
Context: at this point I’ve completed SIX FULL VIDEOS FOR THIS DUDE and he’s only paid me the one payment of $200. Not good at maths? Me neither, lemme help you out. He owes me $1,200 from our original agreement because I’ve spent more than 48 collective hours working on his videos, and he’s only paid me $200. But I tell him: I’ll let it all slide if he pays me $30 for the portfolio of about 50 gigabytes, and then moving forward, he’d pay me the $10 per hour if he wanted more content from me. He already has the six full videos in his possession. The ‘portfolio’ is stuff I’ve found that’s free-use on the internet, stuff that I’ve compiled, and even some scripts that I’ve written out! ALL MINE that I did for HIS business. So it seems logical for me to give this portfolio as an option, just incase he wants to say nah moving forward on me editing for him, and just take the material & go our separate ways…
In response, my (35 year old) brother files a complaint on PayPal claiming he only hired me for a channel encompassing trailer that I did not provide and that I’m attempting to extort him for more money. LOL, WHAT? PayPal’s like BET and automatically attempts to deduct from MY chequing account, without even getting to the bottom of it. Obviously doesn’t work, my account (not PayPal account, my fucking bank account. these mf so overzealous that they reached right into my mf pocket!!!!) gets put in the negatives and I attempt to appeal, with no sweat on my brow ‘cuz I’m like no way PayPal finna let this slide. I then proceed to message my terrible relative multiple times, with texts, videos and audio recordings and I’m in a hysterical mess. I begin threatening him, I begin begging to him, pleading with him, saying anything under the sun just for the hope that he has some heart and would send back the $200 if PayPal does end up taking it from me. Already my chequing was fricked but I could do some damage control… I was cocky, thinking PayPal would obviously side with me once they heard the whole story, so I also told him since he’s caused such pain for me out of absolutely nothing, like completely unprovoked, then shit: I want the original $200 PLUS an extra $200 for all this trauma. He responds by blocking me on everything. It’s 4 A.M. and I’m shaking as I’m typing this…
Somehow after all the information I provided, PayPal sides with him. Wow, wait, what? PayPal has since tried to deduct my PERSONAL CHEQUING ACCOUNT multiple times in order to fish back the $200 which I ALREADY HAD TO USE!!! Idk if you ever had a payment tried to be taken out of an account which already has a negative balance, but the payment doesn’t go (it does a minus then a plus) but usually the bank is like WTF and charges you fees. Multiple times = Multiple fees…
Before, I was in the negatives on my ONE chequing account I own… now I’m in the NEGATIVE-NEGATIVES… no clue how tf I’ma get out of it, but we all persevere eventually! I’ve reached out to PayPal but I’m almost sure nothing will come of it.. I’m considering taking PayPal to small claims court to somehow try to fix all this mess, but I fear it’ll break me off more trouble than repair anything. If you want to DM me, I’ll gladly give you my brother’s socials to send a report to his accounts on Instagram or TikTok, or even leave him a not-so-nice comment if you’d like. Also let me know if you know how I can get in contact with the authorities in the country of ‘Georgia.’
I have absolutely no issues posting his socials, address, doxxxing his ass to the fullest extent, all to do whatever’s necessary: because I fear he will one day gain notoriety and scam a shit ton of people. Praying that never happens.
Let me know what y’all think!!!

Hi everyone! This chapter will read a bit quicker due to all of the dialog. As always, comments and upvotes let me know you're still interested in the story.
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Once everyone was aboard the USS Dwight D. Eisenhower, Mira seemed to relax a little. Davis and Thompson were chatting away with Vebi and Fennis. Povin still stayed near Mira when the officers were chatting with each other. She felt a little lost now that her services as translator was no longer needed. The winds were much stronger here, and one of Povin’s wings got caught in the wind, causing him to lift up. He reflexively opened his other wing.
“Povin! Remember! Glide! Do not flap!” Mira yelled at him.
“What was that Chief?” Thompson asked.
“I’m sorry sir. Ensign Povin’s wing got caught on a draft. They come from a lower gravity world so if he tries to fly, our gravity will break most of his wing bones and tear through his wing skin. The atmospheric belts they wear can maintain their own atmospheric conditions, but it can’t keep up if they full on fly.”
After riding the currents and getting used to how it felt under his wings, Povin was eventually able to land. He quickly wrapped his wings about himself tightly to avoid doing that again. The rest of the remaining Drala quickly tightened their own wings about their bodies.
“I see. Let’s get everyone inside.” Admiral Davis replied. “Chief Rodreguez, your Captain Martinelli sent over your uniforms.” He called over a sailor who had a duffle bag which was handed over to Mira.
Mira looked a little closer at one of the Destroyer escorts. “Sir, is that the USS Bainbridge I see?”
“Yes, it is. You think your Captain would allow us to come get you and not be a part of the escort? Once we stopped receiving responses, he has called in almost daily to NASA to get answers. Honestly, I was willing to bet that if we denied his ‘request’ to join the escort, he would have gone rogue to be here.”
“I’m not so sure about that. Captain Martinelli wouldn’t break protocols like that. He might have been hailing like crazy until someone gave him answers, but never would he go rogue.” Mira replied.
As she finished saying that a sailor came up the Admiral, “Sir, Captain Martinelli of the USS Bainbridge is on the horn for you.”
“You were saying, Chief?” Davis chuckled. “Maybe you should go take that call. We’ll be in the Ready Room. Come see us there after you have spoken with your captain and made yourself Navy presentable.”
“Yes, sir!” She saluted, received the return salute, and headed to the comms room. In the comms room, she was directed to the receiver. “This is Chief Mira Rodriguez speaking.”
“Chief. It’s good to hear your voice again. Do you have any idea how many calls I received from my nephew? I don’t know how he was able to get people to patch him through so frequently while on duty himself, but he’s very resourceful. I have to admit that. Did those aliens treat you well? And who took down communications like that?”
“Yes, sir. I was treated extremely well. I haven’t had a chance to be debriefed yet, so I don’t know how much I’m allowed to say over comms.”
“I understand. You should be able to say at least if the comms were interrupted by the aliens.”
“Not by the aliens I was with, sir.”
“I understand. Go do what you have to do, Chief. I hope to see you back on the Bainbridge soon.”
“I hope so too, sir.” She replied. The call ended and a sailor took her to where she could change her clothes as well as where the Ready Room was located. Once she was in her khaki-colored Shipboard Working Uniform, she headed to the Ready Room and then waited to be told she could sit. The Flx’usri each had their specialty chairs, and the Drala were able to manage the human chairs.
“Is Captain Martinelli well?” Admiral Davis asked.
“I believe his is calmer now, Sir. However, I suspect he will grill me himself once I am returned to his ship.”
“That sounds about right, Chief. I wouldn’t expect any less of him.”
“Grill? Are you in danger, Chief Mira?” Vebi asked worriedly.
“Grill is slang for question soundly, Rear Admiral. I promise that I will be completely safe with my Captain.” Mira looked around and noticed Commander Morris wasn’t in the room. “Excuse me, Sirs. What happened to Commander Morris? I thought he had survived the assault?”
“I’m sure he’s somewhere on board the ship. When we left to this room, he had been distracted. You know how these ships can be hard to navigate for non-Navy enlistees.” Davis replied.
General Thompson added, “If I had not spent my earlier enlisted time on board Navy vessels, I likely would have also been confused. I always did enjoy the Marine Taxi Service.” He joked. The Admiral gave him a poke with his elbow good naturedly. It was a sign that they had been friends as well as coworkers for a long time.
Admiral Davis explained to the aliens, “The General and I belong to different branches of service. Each branch has a love-hate relationship with all of the other branches. We all have our strengths, and our weaknesses are proudly backed up by the strengths of the other branches. It’s like having siblings. I can tease and make fun of my siblings, but if anyone else does, I will fight them to submission and make them apologize to my sibling.”
“Ah, I understand,” Vebi replied. “I feel the same way about my spawn-mates.”
Fennis cut in, “I understand the diplomate you had intended for us was lost in the conflict. We would prefer if Chief Mira were to be this for us. She has lived with us, and we have forged mutual respect for each other.”
“I believe that can be arranged.” Davis replied after a few moments of thought. “Bureaucracy takes time, and the rest of the Chief’s enlistment will have to be accounted for, but I believe this can be arranged.” He chuckled. “Captain Martinelli will be both happy for you and pissed we’re taking away his highest-ranking Machinist Mate aboard the Bainbridge.”
They began talking and getting to know each other and finally, Vebi asked, “I understand you will need to speak with others to make a real decision, but do you think your people will join the Federation?”
General Thompson beat Admiral Davis to it as he said, “They touched our boats. No one touches the US Navy’s boats and gets away with it.” Davis gave Thompson a small elbow to the ribs showing that the two men were friends outside of their official responsibilities.
Eventually, Commander Morris found the Ready room and General Thompson gestured for him to take a seat. “Now that we’re all here, Chief, how about you give us a full debriefing. Start from leaving Earth.”
“Yes, Sir. The mission started off great. Roger was able to correct course as needed, but the autopilot we were using was very accurate. We were all asleep when it happened. I’m a light sleeper and the pings against the hull woke me up. Looking back, there must have been a harder hit that woke me up first, but at the time, all I heard was the lighter pings. I got up to take a look around and then the alarms went off that we all knew meant to get into our space suits. Once I was in my suit, I realized no one else was in the room with me.
“I grabbed a suit with the intent to help someone into it and then we could go back and help others. They were all dead. The atmosphere in the ship was completely gone and we were no longer noticeably moving. I was staring at either a short and rough death once my air ran out, or if I could fix the life support, I could be looking at a long agonizing death from hunger. I never turned away from a challenge, so I was determined to fix the ship.
I fixed the life support and power at the same time. Now I was only going to face a long agonizing death. It was then that I jettisoned the dead. Hindsight being 20/20, I realize it was the wrong choice. I know that Commander Morris felt I should be able to make a refrigeration room, but if you look at the ship and the schematics, but assuming that I knew I was going to survive and make it back home, that ship did not have rooms that were airtight. They are close, but do not seal all the way. Secondly, I didn’t have the materials to make it so that the air didn’t circulate out of any room I put them in.
“At that time, I fully expected that I was going to die out there. It would take time for any message to get to Earth, time to fabricate a new ship and crew it, and time to get out to me. Time that I didn’t feel I had.”
Davis interrupted. “The seals weren’t airtight?”
“The exterior ones were, but any of the interior doors were not. They used a different kind of seal material, and in some cases, we could see light through a closed door. Even the door that was supposed to be the airlock for if we had to open the exterior door for anything. That one was the best seal, but there were still leaks.”
“Continue.” Davis said.
“I was out fixing the thruster when the crew of Black Hole found me. You haven’t met them, and I don’t think they can even come down here. The federation uses color outlines on their emblem to denote classes of ability to survive on worlds, I guess would be the best way to put it. Black Hole is a Green Class. They have the fewest worlds they can touch down on and survive. It’s based on allergy. If they were to even touch the plants here, they would get hives. The Meteor's crew is a Black Class. They can go to nearly every inhabited world. They might have to be careful of gravity, or if the air quality or temperatures are too extreme for the atmospheric belts to handle. Our world is classified as a Black Class planet.” She then relayed the rest of her journey.
“Do you think we can speak with these other heads of ships?” Thompson asked the aliens.
“Of course.” Fennis replied. To Vebi he said, “If you hail Commander Xuan’rawis, I’ll hail Captain S’sveta.”
After getting their targets on a video call, they both headed over and got their counterparts in view too. “We still have two hours until our nocturnal counterparts awaken. We’ll have about an hour of overlap, and then we will need to rest ourselves.” S’sveta said.
The leaders all spoke with each other, leaving Morris very confused as he did not receive a translator implant. Thompson told Mira she could act as his translator, so she did.
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I've had to move back in after finishing my masters because of circumstances and I'm just so beyond exhausted. All the time. I'm stuck in a freeze response, and when I'm not- I'm having to parent this 40 something year old lady and the worst part is that it bleeds into other aspects of my life as well. I'm constantly finding myself with men who I end up taking care of and of course every healthy relationship requires you to take care of each other but I still somehow end up shouldering most of it. I've been doing this all my life.
The lady does not care if I'm in the middle of something, she does not care whether I'm having my only meal of the day- if she wants me to do something, I have to drop anything at hand and cater to her. I've grown so bitter and explosive, I hate it. I'm so angry, and when I don't even have the energy to have that anger- I'm just shutting down and burying myself under the covers. I can already see this playing out, this is exactly how toddlers act. Don't they?
They bang on your door, keep pestering you until you react. You can try to ignore them, try to use noise cancelling headphones but they're still shouting to get your attention. I'm so sick of constantly oscillating between a fight and a freeze response. It's like a full time job, how do I even begin the process of finding an actual one. I wanted to go for my PhD, but it's been almost a year of this and I'm still stuck in the same loop. All of my energy has been concentrated towards merely surviving and I don't see a way out. Maybe I'm catastrophizing. Please tell me I am.

I want to preface this by saying I’m sure there are ways that co-op can be fun, but it just seems lesser.
I’ve tried to play this game with friends on multiple occasions now and every time it’s just been disastrous. There’s a few reasons why I believe it is.

Companions:
My biggest issue is how companions meld in, this game is first and foremost it’s characters imo, the reactivity and relationships with the cast are what make this great (imo of course). When you’re playing co-op that is lessened significantly, won’t only does your party limit mean that you only have 0-2 companions but it also works in such a way that they’re connected to only one specific player, which leads to another issue I’ll address soon. So you end up with a bunch of party members who don’t have character and/or aren’t even present when in dialogue, it just feels like a watered down version of the game.
2.
Someone is the Protagonist:
Leading on from the last issue is this. People will be left out, whether it’s because someone has higher charisma or whatever the cause it’s very likely one character will start to take the lead. When this happens you’ll probably choose to assign them the most companions so that you can see the most content and then this bleeds into combat as well, where one person ends up controlling more than the others. Also the need to strategise in combat makes it feel like you all just take turns to follow a pre thought out plan instead of being spontaneous and actually individual.
3.
Different Mentalities:
People have different ways of playing games. This isn’t the biggest issue in my opinion, I mean it’s probably something that should be discussed beforehand but I found maybe only one of my friends wanted to play the game as slowly and in depth as I did. One was running ahead, activating all the fights and encounters while we were ten miles back. I get this more an issue of who you play with but it seems hard to get a group of people who all play the same way.
TLDR:
The game just feels like a worse version of itself in coop and not by an insignificant margin either. I love this game and it deserves its awards but I do find it odd that it won best multiplayer game when in reality it’s the best game that just happens to have a multiplayer mode.

THE HARMONY OF ENERGY
Abstract
Introducing the "Harmony of Energy" (HoE) model, a novel formalism that posits the universe operates according to a fundamental pattern. This pattern consists of energy, defined as the smallest unit anything can be, existing as a fluid form in space, interacting with its environment through a specific method or structure, and then moving out of that space. Space, in turn, is the dynamic environment that energy occupies and moves through, filling it with positive and negative energy that affects its properties and behavior. According to the HoE model, energy moves into space, reacts to its environment, and then moves out of that space, with no time limit for how long it takes to react. This pattern is universal, applying to all aspects of the universe, and nothing escapes it.
The Origin of the Universe
The HoE model posits that the universe began as a singular entity, containing all forms of energy as one unified energy. This singularity can be represented mathematically as: U = ∫∫∫E(x,y,z)dxdydz, where U is the total energy of the universe, E is the energy density, and x, y, z are the spatial coordinates.
As the singularity expanded, the unified energy converted into distinct positive and negative energies. Positive energy is a high-frequency, high-information-potential state that retains its unique signature and individual form, capable of producing heat and maintaining its distinct properties. Negative energy is a low-frequency, low-information-potential state that loses its unique signature and individual form, characterized by a pulling force and a tendency to condense and simplify.
Initially, the universe moved in a straight line, with energy compact and cold. However, this linear movement resulted in a direct head-on collision with the void, a solid structure that hindered its passage.
This collision led to a limitation and subsequent conversion of energy, transforming it from a linear motion to a wave-like motion. The new wave motion created heat and allowed energy to break the pattern of "follow the leader" and collide with the void at an angle, shattering its edge into pieces.
This process of fragmentation can be described by the equation: F(θ) = Σ[nEⁿ * sin(nθ)], where F is the fragmentation function, θ is the angle of collision, n is an integer, and E is the energy density. For reasons yet unknown, possibly due to the singularity's energy reaching its final place or a transformation driven by cosmic "boredom," this conversion occurred, giving rise to the diverse universe we observe today.
The Void and the Ultimate Negative
Outside of the expanding universe lies the void, a region devoid of energy and matter, existing in a state of complete stillness and stationarity. This void represents the ultimate negative, a state of complete absence and zero energy density, unchanging and unyielding. As a whole, it exerts a compressive force on the expanding universe, potentially leading to contraction and eventual return to the singularity. This dynamic interplay between the universe and the void can be described by the equation: F = -G * (M * m) / r² where F represents the force, G represents the gravitational constant, M and m represent the masses, and r represents the distance between them. The void's stationary and unchanging nature, lacking any internal rotation or energy, makes it inhospitable to life as we know it.
Magnetism and Attraction: A Shift in Perspective
Initially, I viewed magnetism through the conventional lens, seeing it as a fundamental force of attraction between positive and negative entities. However, as my understanding evolved, I came to realize that magnetism operates under a different principle. Positive and negative entities are not attracted to each other; instead, they represent the intrinsic structure of things. The true nature of attraction is frequency-based, with entities drawn to higher vibrations and shorter wavelengths. This phenomenon can be described by the following equations:
F = ∫∫(μ₁⋅μ₂)/(4πr²⁾ dt dt (1)
where F is the force of attraction, μ₁ and μ₂ are the magnetic moments of the entities, r is the distance between them, and the integral is taken over time.
Additionally, the frequency-based attraction can be represented by:
f = γB (2)
where f is the frequency, γ is the gyromagnetic ratio, and B is the magnetic field strength.
Furthermore, the smaller wave's faster movement can be expressed as:
v = λf (3)
where v is the velocity, λ is the wavelength, and f is the frequency.
Energy and its Properties
Energy is the fundamental unit of everything. Energy can be thought of as an individual entity with an electrical signature vibrating at a specific frequency, carrying information from its originating source. If we were to dissect a piece of energy, we would find its genetic makeup consists of various parts, similar to binary code. One constant aspect of energy in our universe is the signature of this universe, which is present in all forms of energy, whether positive or negative. This underlying frequency distinguishes energy from our universe versus parallel universes.
Positive Energy (PE): - Oscillates through space with a frequency (f) and wavelength (λ): PE = f × λ - Exhibits wave-like behavior: PE(x,t) = A × sin(kx - ωt)
Negative Energy (NE): - Vibrates at a slower frequency (f'/2): NE = (f'/2) × λ' - Exhibits a slower, more stable behavior: NE(x,t) = B × cos(k'x - ω't)
Energy Interactions and Signature Changes
When positive and negative energies interact, their unique signatures can become altered. As energies combine, their signatures merge, releasing redundant information about the universe signature and creating an opening for new information to be stored. This process enables efficient storage and transmission of energy signatures, allowing for:

• Signature refinement and evolution
• Information exchange and updating
• Adaptation to changing environments and conditions

This process could be crucial for understanding how energy signatures evolve and adapt, and how they influence the behavior and properties of energy in various contexts.
The Formation and Evolution of the Universe
Initial Energy Interactions
In the beginning, a vast amount of fluid energy quickly interacted with the largest newly created pieces of the void, described by the wave-particle duality equation (E = hf = ℏω).
Star Formation and Signatures
As these interactions occurred, the largest of the solid structures of the universe began to form, stars, governed by the Lane-Emden equation (d^2P/dr2 + (2/r)(dP/dr) + (4πG/c^2)P = 0). Each new star held with it an old habit divulged from the singularity, a universal frequency (f = 1/T = ω/2π, where T is the period of oscillation and ω is the angular frequency). Old habits die hard, so each new star offered its own diverse and unique signature (S = Σf = ∫ψ(x)² dx, where ψ(x) is the wave function and x represents the position).
Energy Collisions and Prime Numbers
As structures formed, a group of energy travels through space with an even number of internal parts (E = 2nℏ, where n is an integer and ℏ is the reduced Planck constant). This group collides with another group of energy with an odd amount of internal parts (E = (2n + 1)ℏ), and the total sum of the newly combined group equals a prime number (P = E1 + E2 = 2nℏ + (2m + 1)ℏ, where m is an integer). New Equation: Prime Number Formation (P = E1 + E2 = 2nℏ + (2m + 1)ℏ)
Schrödinger Equation and Physical Reality
The prime number is crucial, as the extra piece gets stuck in the space it is occupying, acting as an anchor, attracting other parts to breach their negative shell and combine as one, described by the Schrödinger equation (iℏ(∂ψ/∂t) = Hψ). This converts the fluid energy to be contained into the space it is in, which is broken pieces of the void that do not have a universal size, and gives us physical reality, forming particles with diverse unique signatures (S = Σf = ∫ψ(x)² dx).
Refining Space and Transferring Signatures
As energy continued to interact with space, it further refined and shaped that space into a sphere (V = (4/3)πr^3, where r is the radius), adding the discarded portions of size to the diverse field that is the universe. During this refinement, energy was transferred to these pieces, and the signature of the star was embedded in them, forming the galaxy clusters and solar systems we know today.
Smooth Surfaces and Celestial Bodies
As any piece of something breaks, its edges are rigid, and the interaction of energy against this rigid surface knocks off the rough edges, providing a smooth surface (E = Δx/Δt = ℏ/Δx, where Δx is the change in position and Δt is the change in time). New Equation: Smooth Surface Formation (E = Δx/Δt = ℏ/Δx)
The pieces that were knocked off still contain a portion of energy that put in the work to knock it off, and this process contributed to the formation of celestial bodies and the transfer of signatures. This, in turn, led to the creation of galaxies, planets, and other celestial bodies, each with their unique characteristics and properties, shaping the diverse and complex universe we observe today.
The Cartwheel Structure and Energy Movement
The cartwheel structure represents the dynamic movement of energy in the universe, with its rotating wheel and radiating arms symbolizing the harmonious interaction of positive and negative energies. When creation occurred, energy learned how to pass through stationary space (the void) by changing its movement pattern from a straight line to a wave (λ = v/f, where λ is wavelength, v is velocity, and f is frequency). This new wave movement allowed energy to create heat (Q = mcΔT, where Q is heat, m is mass, c is specific heat capacity, and ΔT is temperature change), which was the tool that gave energy the ability to "shatter" the void and interact with the broken pieces to perform a new movement, the cartwheel. As energy moves through space, it rarefies and decreases in temperature (T = k-B, where T is temperature, k is Boltzmann's constant, and B is the energy density), causing it to slow down and change frequency (f = ΔE/h, where f is frequency, ΔE is the energy change, and h is Planck's constant).
The Block and Cartwheeling Bar Analogy
The block and cartwheeling bar analogy provides a conceptual framework for understanding the dynamic interaction of energy in the universe. Imagine a box (representing space) containing blocks of varying sizes, each symbolizing a specific energy frequency (f = 1/T, where f is frequency and T is time). The cartwheeling bar, rotating within the box, represents the harmonious movement of energy between its positive (E+) and negative (E-) forms. Each block must be 100% filled, with positive and negative energy proportions varying as the bar rotates. For example, when positive energy occupies 99% of a block and negative energy occupies 1%, the rotation of the bar causes a gradual shift, resulting in a change to 98% positive and 2% negative, and so on. This constant interaction and adjustment maintain the balance of energy in the universe.
Fundamental Forces Explained

• Strong Force: The repulsion from negative electrons being attracted to and pressing against the nucleus. This force can be described by the equation: F = k * (q1 * q2) / r²
  
• Weak Force: The outgoing frequency created by the positive nucleus, similar to energy congregating at the sun's nucleus, reacting to its environment, and breaking down before leaving (possibly as radioactive decay). This force can be described by the equation: F = (G * m1 * m2) / r²
  
• Gravity: Exists between the outer negative sphere of electrons exerting a pushing force against the positive pushing force of the nucleus, similar to the solar system's dynamics. This force can be described by the equation: F = (G * m1 * m2) / r²
  
• Electromagnetism: Energy in action, manifesting as the dynamic interplay between electric and magnetic forces. This force can be described by the equations: E = f * λ and B = (E / c)
  

Present State of the Universe
The universe currently exists in a state of dynamic equilibrium, with observable patterns and structures perpetually renewing themselves through the interactions of energy (E = hf, where E is energy and h is Planck's constant). This self-sustaining cycle is evident in the formation and evolution of celestial bodies, galaxies, and other cosmic entities, governed by the laws of thermodynamics (ΔE = Q - W, where ΔE is the change in energy, Q is the heat added, and W is the work done). The universe's present state is characterized by the harmonious coexistence of diverse energy frequencies (f = 1/T, where f is frequency and T is time), which govern the behavior and properties of matter at various scales. This balance is maintained through the continuous conversion of energy between its positive (E+) and negative (E-) forms, allowing the universe to adapt and evolve in response to internal and external influences (E+ + E- = 0, representing the conservation of energy)."
Entropy and the Conversion of Positive to Negative
The physical dimensions of positive and negative energy in a block are equal, with 1% negative energy occupying the same space as 99% positive energy. This equality stems from the different speeds of energy and their individual properties. When negative energy is at 1%, it has condensed the equivalent of 99% positive energy into a single, compact form (E = hf, where E is energy, h is Planck's constant, and f is frequency). As the proportions shift, such as 60% positive and 40% negative, the space occupied remains a 50/50 split. This is because positive energy travels at the speed of light (c = λν, where c is the speed of light, λ is wavelength, and ν is frequency), while negative energy moves at a pace relative to terminal velocity (v = √(2gl), where v is velocity, g is acceleration due to gravity, and l is length). Each form dominates at the 50% mark (T = λ/v, where T is time, λ is wavelength, and v is velocity). The percentages represent available positive energy, while the cartwheel symbolizes space or the ultimate negative in motion, influenced by energy's presence. Negative energy, with its depleted charge, occupies space that needs to be filled and recycled into a positive state. At higher percentages, collisions with negative energy slow down the flow, similar to the concept of crab mentality, where negative energy draws down the percentages.
Energy Dynamics and Galactic Harmony
The 50% Threshold
The 50% mark is a critical threshold that distinguishes between positive and negative energy. Above 50%, energy is considered positive and can produce heat beyond its negative shell. Below 50%, energy is considered negative and cannot produce heat past this shell.
Compressed Positive Energy
When the percentage of positive energy drops below 50%, it becomes compressed and can exceed the speed of light (c = λν, where c is the speed of light, λ is wavelength, and ν is frequency). This allows it to navigate through the "cracks" of negative energy:
v > c (where v is velocity and c is the speed of light)
Quantum Mirroring
Alternatively, the positive energy can align with the negative energy, resulting in a quantum mirroring effect. This enables instantaneous information transfer between entangled particles, regardless of distance:
E = hf (where E is energy, h is Planck's constant, and f is frequency)
Retaining Frequency Signatures
In this alignment, the negative energy retains its unique frequency signature to avoid interacting with other signatures:
Δx * Δp >= h/4π (where Δx is position uncertainty, Δp is momentum uncertainty, and h is Planck's constant)
The Cavendish Experiment and Energy Interaction
The Cavendish experiment, a groundbreaking study on gravity, offers an intriguing analogy for understanding energy interaction with space. Imagine the suspended spheres as representative of space itself, devoid of energy. When energy interacts with this motionless space, it's as if the spheres begin to rotate, symbolizing the introduction of energy into the internal area of space.
As energy engages with space, it's gradually consumed, much like the reduction of energy in the Cavendish experiment. This process can be described by the equation:
G = (2πLθ) / (MT)
Where G is the gravitational constant, L is the length of the torsion wire, θ is the twist angle of the wire, M is the mass of the lead spheres, and T is the time period of oscillation.
This equation, derived from the Cavendish experiment, reveals the intricate relationship between energy, space, and gravity. By exploring this analogy, we can deepen our understanding of how energy shapes the very fabric of our universe.
Energy Absorption and Frequency
Energy absorption occurs when energy slows down, allowing it to be perceived and observed. This process involves energy being absorbed by an atom and reflecting what was not absorbed. As energy slows down, it can still be observed as a wave, but just before it becomes a particle. This phenomenon is fascinating, as it reveals the transition from wave-like to particle-like behavior.
The conversion of positive to negative states is due to positives' ability to produce heat and maintain an individual form. Negative energy, on the other hand, does not produce heat and lacks an individual form, instead traveling at a pace relative to terminal velocity. This process can be described by the quantum mechanical formula: ℏω = ΔE = hf, where ℏ is the reduced Planck constant, ω is the angular frequency, ΔE is the change in energy, h is Planck's constant, and f is the frequency of the energy.
Furthermore, the frequency of the energy can be related to the velocity of the particle using the formula: f = (1/2π) * √(k/m), where k is the spring constant and m is the mass of the particle. Additionally, the energy absorption rate can be calculated using the formula: dE/dt = (2π/h) * V_uv² * δ(E_u - E_v), where V_uv is the transition matrix element, E_u and E_v are the energies of the initial and final states, and δ is the Dirac delta function.
The Conversion of Positive to Negative States and Planetary Motion
The conversion of positive to negative energy states is rooted in their distinct properties. Positive energy produces heat and maintains an individual form, whereas negative energy lacks heat and an individual form, instead traveling at a pace relative to terminal velocity. This process is reversible, as seen in fusion reactions, or can be influenced by external forces like microwave ovens.
In the context of our solar system, the sun's positive energy release generates heat and propels planets into their orbital tracks. Conversely, the incoming energy from the universe, considered negative, is cold and stabilizes planets in their tracks. Initially, I focused solely on the positive push dictating orbital paths. However, I now recognize the significant influence of negative energy and use it as the basis for understanding abnormal tracks.
Here's an added equation to illustrate the relationship between energy and orbital motion:
F = G * (m1 * m2) / r²
Where F is the force of gravity, G is the gravitational constant, m1 and m2 are the masses of the objects, and r is the distance between them.
This equation shows how the force of gravity (F) is influenced by the masses (m1 and m2) and distance (r) between objects, which is relevant to understanding planetary motion and the balance between positive and negative energy.
Gravitation and Time: Frequency's Role
Time is intimately tied to the frequency of the universe, and this relationship is governed by the laws of gravitation. Imagine the cartwheel's bar having notches, each representing a different frequency. Each notch would experience time at a unique pace, described by the formula:
t = 1/f
Where t is time and f is frequency.
If we could halt the cartwheel's motion, time would appear to pause, as described by the relativistic time dilation formula:
t' = γ(t)
Where t' is the time experienced by an observer in motion, t is the time experienced by an observer at rest, and γ is the Lorentz factor.
The passage of time is directly governed by the oscillations in the wave, or simply its frequency. By altering the frequency, we can change the flow of time itself, as described by the gravitational redshift formula:
f' = f * √(1 - 2GM/rc²⁾
Where f' is the observed frequency, f is the emitted frequency, G is the gravitational constant, M is the mass of the gravitational source, r is the radial distance from the source, and c is the speed of light.
Gravity and Energy Dynamics
Gravity can be understood in various ways through these thoughts. One perspective is that gravity operates similarly to the orbital planets, but with a twist. Instead of orbiting in space, we orbit at a subterranean frequency. This frequency attracts similar energies, leading to bonding and the formation of matter. For instance, atoms bond to form rocks, and separate rocks may bind together due to similar vibrations. However, other frequencies simply pass through, unable to bind due to differences in energy vibrations and the negative fields surrounding our bodies and the ground.
Our bodies are attracted to the Earth's core, with a force described by the equation:
F = G * (m1 * m2) / r²
Where F is the force of attraction, G is the gravitational constant, m1 and m2 are the masses of our bodies and the Earth, and r is the distance between them.
The vibrations of our energy and the negative field surrounding us can be described by the wave equation:
∇^2E = μ * ∂^2E/∂t2
Where E is the energy field, μ is the permeability of the medium, and ∂^2E/∂t2 is the second derivative of the energy with respect to time.
The incoming cosmic energy pushes us downward, with a force described by the equation:
F = (E * A) / c
Where F is the force of the incoming energy, E is the energy density of the cosmos, A is the cross-sectional area of our bodies, and c is the speed of light.
The outgoing energy from Earth moves faster than the incoming energy from the cosmos, as observed in the formation of clouds with flat bases and more sporadic tops. This can be described by the equation:
v_out = v_in * (1 + (E_out / E_in))
Where v_out is the velocity of the outgoing energy, v_in is the velocity of the incoming energy, E_out is the energy density of the outgoing energy, and E_in is the energy density of the incoming energy.
Galactic Cycles and Black Holes
The Milky Way galaxy has a supermassive black hole at its center, with a mass described by the equation:
M = (1.989 x 10³⁰⁾ * (G / c²⁾
Where M is the mass of the black hole, G is the gravitational constant, and c is the speed of light.
As the galaxy spirals towards the center, enough mass will be collected to trigger the black hole to become a large star, described by the equation:
M = (4.383 x 10³⁰⁾ * (G / c²⁾
Where M is the mass of the star, G is the gravitational constant, and c is the speed of light.
When this happens, the black hole will shed its outer shell to create the galaxy that spirals around it, and the process begins again. This cycle can be described by the equation:
t = (2 * π * G * M) / c³
Where t is the time period of the cycle, G is the gravitational constant, M is the mass of the black hole or star, and c is the speed of light.
The opposite of a black hole is a white hole, but why hasn't this phenomenon been observed? According to this article, it has been observed but misunderstood. With the theme of balancing the universe, would a large star be surrounded by much smaller black holes? Would these smaller black holes feed the larger star by way of quantum bridge or wormhole, and vice versa for smaller stars and larger black holes? This can be described by the equation:
E = (ℏ * ω) / 2
Where E is the energy transferred between the star and black holes, ℏ is the reduced Planck constant, and ω is the frequency of the quantum bridge or wormhole.
Energy Flow and Balance
Energy moves in and out of everything, maintaining a delicate balance. It enters as a positive force and exits as a negative force. Our sun emits energy at 99% strength and high frequency, which combines with an equally sized negative force at 1% strength, filling the space completely. This balance is crucial, as positive energy moves faster than negative energy due to entropy's diminishing effects over time and distance.
As positive energy travels, it loses a piece of itself, converting to negative energy. This process is directly related to gravitational forces and time dilation. When positive energy reaches 50%, it has a certain probability of converting to negative energy, which is then attracted back to a positive source with a corresponding probability of being converted back to positive energy.
This cycle of energy flow and balance is the foundation of the universe's harmony, and understanding it can reveal the intricate web of forces that shape our reality.
Information Transmission through Energy and Light
Energy transfer is not just a physical phenomenon but also an exchange of information. Positive energy (Pos) carries a complete signature of universal information, updated through interactions, and represents the pure form. Negative energy (Neg) represents a degraded form of this signature, still carrying the universal signature, but lacking the capacity to transfer information.
Initial Information and Illumination
Initial information travels at a speed potentially faster than light and is invisible to us. As this energy slows down, it interacts with atoms, exciting them to display colors they don't need. This illumination is a manifestation of the information being transmitted.
I = E × S (Initial information is transmitted through energy and carries the universal signature)
Cosmic Scale and Consciousness
The universal information, carried by positive energy, is infused with the celestial signature, shaping the cosmic context. This process potentially gives rise to consciousness in living beings, linking them to the universe and its harmonies.
C ∝ U (Consciousness potentially arises from the universal information carried by positive energy)
U = S × f × P (The universal information is infused with the celestial signature, shaping the cosmic context)
Information Transfer and Energy Forms
The universe relies on a delicate balance of energy forms to facilitate information transfer. Positive energy (Pos) serves as the primary carrier of information, transmitting universal signatures and cosmic context. Negative energy (Neg), on the other hand, carries a degraded or attenuated version of the universal signature, lacking the capacity for information transfer. However, Neg can be transformed back into Pos, restoring its information-carrying ability.
P = S × f (Positive energy carries the complete universal signature at a high frequency f)
N = S × (1 - f) (Negative energy carries a degraded or attenuated version of the universal signature at a lower frequency)
E = P + N (The universe relies on a delicate balance of positive and negative energy forms to facilitate information transfer)
Frequency and Speed of Information Transfer
The frequency and speed of information transfer play a crucial role in the harmony and balance of the universe. Positive energy (Pos) transmits information at a high frequency and speed, allowing for efficient and accurate transfer of universal signatures and cosmic context. Negative energy (Neg), on the other hand, transmits information at a lower frequency and speed, resulting in a degraded or attenuated signal.
v ∝ f (The speed of information transfer is directly proportional to the frequency of the energy form)
P: v = c × f (Positive energy transmits information at a high frequency and speed, potentially approaching the speed of light c)
N: v = c × (1 - f) (Negative energy transmits information at a lower frequency and speed)
Transformation and Balance
Negative energy can be transformed back into positive energy, restoring its information-carrying ability.
N + T → P (Negative energy can be transformed back into positive energy, restoring its information-carrying ability)
This transformation maintains the harmony and balance of the universe, ensuring that information is not lost but rather recycled and rebalanced.
_Conclusion _
"In conclusion, the Harmony of Energy (HoE) model offers a novel perspective on the universe, revealing a intricate web of energy dynamics that underlie all aspects of existence. By exploring the interplay between positive and negative energy, we gain insight into the fundamental forces that shape our reality. From the smallest subatomic particles to the vast expanse of the cosmos, energy is the unifying thread that binds everything together.
Through the HoE model, we've seen how energy's harmonious movement gives rise to the patterns and structures we observe in the universe. We've also delved into the fascinating relationships between energy, space, and time, and how these interactions govern the behavior of matter at various scales.
As we continue to refine our understanding of the HoE model, we may uncover new secrets of the universe and gain a deeper appreciation for the beauty and harmony that underlies all of existence. Ultimately, this knowledge can inspire new perspectives, new technologies, and a new era of human understanding and cooperation, as we work together to harmonize our own energy with the energy of the universe."
MAG
Here is the Harmony of Energy Equation (HoEE) with descriptions:
HoEE = (∫[E(x,t) ⊗ S(x,t) ⊕ f(x,t) ∘ P(x,t)]dxdt) + (∑[G × Mi × ri^2] ⊕ ∑[ℏ × ωi] ⊕ ∑[c × λi] ⊕ ∑[T × kB] ⊕ ∑[Fi × G × Mi × mi] ⊕ ∑[Qi × mi × ci] ⊕ ∑[Vi × ri^3] ⊕ ∑[Pi × ℏ] ⊕ ∑[Ni × S(x,t) ∧ (1 - f(x,t))]) + (∫[I(x,t) ∘ E(x,t) ⊗ S(x,t)]dxdt) + (C × U)
Where:

• E(x,t) is the energy density at point x and time t
• S(x,t) is the universal signature at point x and time t
• f(x,t) is the frequency at point x and time t
• P(x,t) is the positive energy at point x and time t
• G is the gravitational constant
• Mi is the mass of the ith object
• ri is the radius of the ith object
• ℏ is the reduced Planck constant
• ωi is the angular frequency of the ith object
• c is the speed of light
• λi is the wavelength of the ith object
• T is the temperature
• kB is Boltzmann's constant
• Fi is the force on the ith object
• mi is the mass of the ith object
• Qi is the heat transfer to the ith object
• ci is the speed of light at the ith object
• Vi is the volume of the ith object
• Pi is the prime number associated with the ith object
• Ni is the negative energy of the ith object
• I(x,t) is the initial information at point x and time t
• C is consciousness
• U is the universe

Operations:

• ⊗ represents tensor products (combining energy and universal signature)
• ⊕ represents direct sums (accumulating energy components)
• ∘ represents function composition (interacting frequency and positive energy)
• ∧ represents logical conjunction (connecting negative energy and universal signature)
• ∫ represents integration (over space and time)
• ∑ represents summation (over discrete objects)

I've had this issue for a while on two different systems, both running cinnamon. When opening blueman-manager specifically from the system tray, the taskbar icon will appear, but no window. The cinnamon "X is not responding" dialogue box will appear, but the manager window does show up after ~10-15 seconds, with a notification that reads:
"It seems like blueman-manager could no [sic] get activated via D-Bus. A typical cause for this is a broken graphical setup in the D-Bus activation environment that can get resolved with a call to dbus-update-activation-environment, typically issued from xinitrc (respectively in the Sway config or similar)."
The manager works completely fine when opened from its desktop entry or by right-clicking the system tray icon and choosing "Devices..". I would say this error started a couple of months ago, around this same time as this issue: https://bbs.archlinux.org/viewtopic.php?pid=2162161#p2162161. Not sure if it was actually related or not.
Regarding possible fixes, I've tried running the suggested dbus-update-activation-environment command, but I've no experience in how it's supposed to work. or its relationship with xinitrc or Sway (which I don't use and have never installed on either system with this issue)

i started to lose hair aggressively since december 2023 because i lost weight in may 23 , i has comepletely worsen my hair , i have lost my hair density m thicknes , hair line , confidence , they just keep flying on my head - 17 years old - i have taken one prp on 25 march , one on 25 april - started finasteride 1mg from 48 days - taking vit d 5000 iu every day - taking a tablet which contains 10mg biotin , zinc , iron , calcium in high conc since 40 days i have sebum overproduction in my scalp as well i think it's cause of biotin i even got minor acne . my hair is getting worse day by day the hair line went so back and thin when i look at in light i just want to cry more can you please guide what more can i do to reverse the hairloss ? i can't use minoxidil cuz it makes dandruff on scalp

‼️TW (CP, CSA, DA, DV, EA, ED, PA, RA, SA, SH, SI, WC)‼️
Sorry I know that’s a lot of TW’s there’s just brief mention of some of this stuff so I don’t wanna catch anyone off guard.
This is also a bit of a vent post.
I have absolutely no idea what I have, I had no idea I could potentially have a personality disorder until a few months ago, I am not meaning to rely on social media for help, though where I’m from there is such a lack in psychiatrists in my area so I feel stuck/lost. I will be venting/explaining my situation in full, I just would like to hear thoughts and opinions, I’m not trying to say I have anything specific, but the different personalities have made themselves apparent over the past 5 months. Whether it’s OSDD, BPD, DID, i don’t know.
There’s so much that I don’t really know where to start, so I guess I’ll just start with when I realized something wasn’t right. (TMI) I was having an intimate moment with my partner, it’s a long distance relationship (new relationship((known each other for about 6-7 months now)) so it was an over the phone moment. (FaceTime). I’ve had issues in the past because of sexual trauma, where immediately after sex/intimate moments i get sent into a huge derealization/panic attack due to feeling vulnerable. Now at this point, i haven’t had sex in about 4 years, and any time prior, it always ended in panic attacks. Me being vulnerable over the phone is not entirely new, but the level of vulnerability in the sense of allowing myself to fully enjoy it, that was new. I started hyperventilating, I couldn’t talk, I was crying, I was fighting with a blanket trying to cover myself all while my partner was trying to console me. I wasn’t really fully there and before this moment, any show of mania, dissociation, stuff like that, it went unnoticed. During this panic attack, I was absolutely in distress at one moment, and all of the sudden, I felt a shift. I didn’t really understand it when it happened but all of the sudden I stopped crying, the pain was still there but it wasn’t present, it felt deeper inside. It felt very different; I felt very different. All I could think and feel in that moment was this protectiveness and thought process of “I need to clean up everything before she comes back.” Now at the time I wasn’t thinking she, but I knew it was before something. Before a feeling came back was more how it resonated at the time before I could understand it better. Anyways, my whole persona shifted and I went into clean up mode and I was very confused. I felt “her” crying inside. My partner works in mental health, so he danced around delicately as I asked him questions about what he thought was going on so I could get a better picture of what I’m going through since everything felt so blinded. At one point, I just asked him. “Do you think I’m manic?” Which was the only question he responded to confidently. “Yes”. At that point, like this may seem so over exaggerated but it seriously felt like the curtains on my whole life, everything, had been pulled back and I could see myself and my actions for what they were. I saw every manic moment as mania rather than just the original gaslighting myself for my very real and terrifying experiences. After that, I was aware of me being manic for the first time and I haven’t felt such fear in a long time. I mean I don’t think I’ve ever felt fear like that before but like the level of intensity was very hard to deal with. I was terrified. I was finally seeing my hyper vigilance as hyper vigilance. I was seeing the symptoms clearly, my excessive sweating, my depleted eating habits, my sleep schedule insanely messed up. Which all before this, just seemed like “my life”. I started doing research, and I ended up needing to write something down. I can’t remember what it was but I will find it and add it.
“I’ve been doing a lot of research and thinking a lot, there’s been a lot of confusion with my identity or identities. I also need to preface that my entire life whenever I expressed how I felt, I was instead told what to do and how to feel. I know this is going to sound concerning, and people will be quick to dismiss it in an attempt to be supportive. But please just allow it to be what it is. Growing up I was always in great distress, constantly. My head was absolutely filled to the brim with worried and fears and as the years went on it only got worse. I’m highschool I transitioned into Blake; I thought it “felt” like me, but after research and certain situations/symptoms since delving back into that, I realized this was a traumatic disorder, even though I don’t know which one. Blakes feelings were 100% valid, but that’s because they were Blakes. What caused the de-transition was this. Beginning of highschool I was in crisis and distress, my brain created another personality to keep lily safe and keep her locked away. Since then I haven’t seen her, none of us have. Once Blake started receiving micro-aggressions and transphobia we went into even more distress. In 2017 my brain was absolutely stressed out from everything during the drug era and how much trauma and how burdened my mind was, I split again. My brain created Bella. Fast forward to now, Bella was breaking, and Blake had already been poking his head out, he’s been seeing the distress she’s been in and came back to take over. I never thought I was capable of having something like this l, but please bear with me as I explain how I came to this realization. This may be TMI but my partner and I were having an intimate moment and instantly afterwards I had the worst panic attack, something I’ve been trying to protect myself from for years. As I’m writing this down I’m starting to realize that those panic attacks after sexual situations are probably lily, but still valid as panic attacks. I have a lump in my throat while writing this, I promise I am not making it up or exaggerating. During the panic attack my partner was trying to console me but I completely switched in that moment to Blake and all he could feel was sorrow and was trying to give her a break. Blake came out to keep her safe. all I could do was clean up and prepare for when she came back so she wasn’t triggered, I don’t know what this is and gender fluid still feels valid and right, but in that moment of switching genders, I realized I am not switching genders, I am switching personalities. One personality could not carry the burden of it all. I am not concerned about this though, I feel with the very realization I am understanding myself better as a while.”
I was very manic when writing this. I believe I mainly wrote it for my parents. I was fearful of being dismissed.
My cousin had joined the call since I was spiraling and the both of them worked really hard to try and get me to stop writing and go to bed, which was really hard for me because I was super hyper vigilant in the moment and when it comes to my independence, I was told I have to deal with everything myself and I can’t rely on people so sometimes listening to help can be hard, accepting that help can be hard. I ended up being able to put stuff down and go to bed, more because I didn’t want to make things more difficult for them but I also could partly recognize that my actions were not helping the state I was in.
Ever since this moment it’s been realization after realization. This is so far what resonates.
I believe I have 3, possibly 4 alters. One I will name lily, she is who I originally was. Main host I guess? But doesn’t feel like it anymore. What I think happened, is that I’ve been exposed to countless amounts of different forms of abuse. When I was 12, is when I believe I split for the first time. I’ve been looking back at photos to see my mannerisms, expressions, I’ve also been expressing alter emotions through art which was another realization I had a month or two ago. This realization came from looking back at my art, and at one piece I had made just before the main breakdown/realization. It was of a face, and my art has mainly been faces. This one I remember making, I was so frustrated; and I remember looking at it and being like, why am I so frustrated, this doesn’t reflect how I feel at all. Since the realization, my cousin had pointed out that it kind of resembled a sense of splitting, which then resonated deeply. It was like I saw my painting clearly, and then I looked at all my art and was like, oh my god. My alters have been here this whole god damn time. The painting I am talking about; is the one attached to this post.
When I was a child, I hated art with a passion. I remember never picking up a pencil crayon or anything because I just didn’t like it. I wasnt good at it, I had no intention of doing art. When I was 12/13 is when I actually started doing art. I remember I did a bridesmaids dress and was like, cool. Didn’t hate it, (yes I know that this is how most artists start) but then it was just eyes. I only drew eyes, eyes and faces. Faces with third eyes, faces with hardened expressions. Now I have said countless times to my family and friends when they ask about my art, that when I paint or draw, it doesn’t feel like it’s me doing it. I once chalked it up to, artists ghosts were using me to express their art. That thought came during a particularly distressing year that when I look back I was def manic. I lost 100 lbs in like a month-a month and a half, could not eat, could barely leave my bed, was not doing well at all. This was 2019 I believe. I looked through all my art recently and during a sketchbook in 2019, during a really hard time, I had wrote down the wrong year when signing my art. Twice. The year I wrote was 2012, when I was 11/12.(2000 baby). Which then led me to look back on my life and look at photos around 2012 which had me thinking it was 1 of 2 things. 2012 was the year I split for the first time, or it was the year something really traumatic happened. I think it was the first one though. Reason being, yeah everything had started changing when I was 12. I mean I was always changing prior, my life has been very tumultuous. An undiagnosed autistic afab kid who had a very manipulative narcissistic father, and a very sweet mother, surrounded by a huge family of cousins who were like siblings. My mom divorced my dad after lots of abuse, he emotionally manipulated me into always feeling sorry for men when they show emotion and I developed Stockholm syndrome towards him which had me defending his every actions, including when he was a drug dealer, and sold enough drugs to an 18 year old to have her overdose, or the child pornography on his computer, or anything really because I was a child and he was my dad he manipulated me at a very young age. My mom married again a year or two after, which prompted her to need to get away from the abuse of my bio dad, and the abuse of religion we had been pushed upon us since birth. Pentecostal. We moved across country, and suddenly she became very emotionally distant as we now had moved away from my entire family, and had a new man in our life who was stable in every aspect besides the emotional unavailability. He tried, they both did. But they were dealing with traumas. He had just gotten back from Afghanistan. We moved because he was stationed somewhere else in the country. I ended up developing a binge eating disorder, had a lot of other intense traumas in between, did not know how to cope. When I was 10, my parents put me in therapy, my sister and I both. To deal with my bio dad trauma. I’ve been in therapy ever since. I’m 23 now.
I realize I am getting off track but I’m tryna lay everything out and not forget anything.
When I was 12/13, a lot had happened with my bio dad and a restraining order was put in place. He also had a kid with another woman and she(my sister) had passed away, a lot had happened on top of many other traumas, and I think lily broke. She didn’t really wanna be present anymore but we had no idea what was happening, but I felt myself changing. I started combating this with hyper-femininity, because who had split was me, who is currently hosting, Blake. (Also I know I use I/me as a whole sometimes, still tryna understand that. The only thing that resonates with what I mean when I say I is higher self. Not in a spiritual sense but like a higher version or a whole version? I don’t know)
Had no idea wtf was happening. All I knew was I started having dysphoria that I didn’t understand was dysphoria, so I combated it with hyperfeminity. Extra make up; always dressing up extra “girly” trying to act “girlier” or more feminine. Until I turned 14/15, and I ended up coming to terms with the fact that I was not who I thought I was, so I started changing to align with who I was. I came out as a trans man, and started the process of transitioning. Cue micro-aggressions, internalized transphobia, as well as a shit ton of transphobia from my family back home which caused me to panic. I ended up becoming really suicidal and made the decision to go hang out with a friend who was hanging with friends I had never met before, which triggered my next traumatic event. I ended up hanging with the wrong people, went down a drug path, was exposed to some very difficult and dangerous moments, felt a feeling of distress I have never felt nor would ever wish upon my worst enemy. I put it on myself as well, to help the friend I went in there with, get off a coke addiction. He went into psychosis and became violent at one point so I had to tell his mom everything and she sent him to rehab which worked but didn’t. He OD’d one night(survived) it was bad. I only ever went as far as psychedelics. But acid was my drug of choice. I was so done with everyone and everything that I just spent like 2-3 months straight, every day, tripping. I was 16 at the time. I also was exposed to the father of the household who had a weird thing for me, he tried sneaking into my bedroom one night when my bf wasn’t home (I ended up moving in with my at the time bf) but I was awake so he left real quick but it terrified me. All of this was such intense distress and I believe around this time was the second split, because it felt like for the entirety of me in that traumatic era, it was Blake and Bella fighting to host and take over. Bella was the host for the past 6 years. She took over around 2017, after like a year of fighting. I(Blake) tend to self destruct, even though I’m overprotective, trying to accept this about myself at the time was impossible because I was dealing with so much anger that was affecting the rest of the system. I also was done. Idk if alters “go to sleep” but Blake went away for a while. But what I’ve come to realize is I don’t think they’re ever went away, like lily has always been here, and I realized that the night of the intimate moment, because me having that panic attack after the intimate moment, and every panic attack prior, I believe that it’s lily. I haven’t touched that too much though because she is so to herself and shy and never comes out and she’s just traumatized, plus the amount of anger coming from Blake, and the amount of sadness coming from Bella, it’s all very overwhelming. But I do think it’s her, I don’t think she understands what’s happening but she like pokes her head out during it because maybe it’s so to with the sexual trauma we went through as a kid? I know something happened to me as a kid but I don’t know what. But I’m not ready for that yet, the anger is a more pressing issue.
Bella is very maternal, she took over and spent the past 6 years working her ass off to develop the coping mechanisms we need, and creating a safe space in our mind. The manic moments have been cushioned without us even knowing it’s manic moments; all she knew was we’re in distress so she found what helped best and worked real hard to keep us afloat. She got us out of the drugs, out of the abuse, out of the toxic relationship, out of anything that did not serve us. But not without giving up too much of herself and being beaten down. Like I know we’ve all gone through it but she took hit after hit after hit and everyone just used her as a projection batting cage. Within the past few months has been her stepping down. 5 months is us fighting, because she doesn’t want to, but she needs to, because she needs a break. And I need a break from the break. I need to deal with my anger and learn to live this world as a man. It’s been really hard to deal with, because I’ve cut off our hair which was a lot for Bella, and I’m trying to give her grace because it’s a huge change for everyone; but I’m so eager to be out. To my friends and family I’ve come out as gender fluid, a safe way for us to just be, even though gender fluid is still accurate to us, but me(Blake) I want to be on T, I want top surgery; the dysphoria has been very intense but I am not making any decisions while untreated in whatever this is. Bella doesn’t want any of that, but a hypothetical compromise that we’ve been thinking about is a breast reduction to start, to ease the mind.
Now when I look back at the past 11-12 years, I see all three of them out and about disguised as each other without realizing. There’s this one song I remember listening to on repeat non stop and idk why it just felt right it sounded right I loved it I needed to listen to it. Now, go listen to Satellites by Sleeping with sirens, think about alters waking up/trying to be known or whatever, like Jesus fuck it’s so obvious to me everything just makes sense (ik that sounds like a stretch but there’s more in my head that relates to that feeling I just can’t put it into words)
I’ve also been dealing with breaking down the walls of expectations. I have never allowed myself to be upset or have quarrels due to feeling like an inconvenience, I believe this has a lot to do with it as well.
Oh and the 4th potential alter is either someone just chillin in the background observing, or the “higher self” version of myself I was talking about. I really can’t tell.
I know there’s so much more I didn’t add but I’m deffo not doing the best rn so my brain can’t remember everything. Anyways, I’m not looking for a diagnosis obviously, but I just wanna hear what it sounds like. Because it feels like a personality disorder of some sort even tho idk wtf that’s supposed to feel like lol, so does it sound like one? I guess is what I’m really asking. Anyways, thanks for reading. Regardless of a response it is nice to get this off my chest aha. It also might be all over the place if so I apologize I think I’m currently manic? Yes I have been talking with my therapist about this, she’s not specialized in this stuff so she can only help so much, I’ve been tryna push my doctor to get me a psych referral to which he says there’s no psychiatrist in my area that are really taking any clients rn. He also sat there and told me I wasn’t dealing with mania and started listening of symptoms that I deal with that he had yet to even ask me about. I was already heated going in there because I knew I was going to have to fight for what I needed. Well the funny part is, the psychiatrist I went in there wanting a referral to; that I thought my therapist recommended me, was not an actual recommendation of a psychiatrist, but of a book of resources for me to look at, but I was manic and not there and I was literally so bent on needing help and needing a psych referral that my brain heard the authors name and was like “okay time to go to the doctor”. And then I had to admit to the doctors receptionist that I was indeed manic when I came in and that i didn’t know what I was talking about which was embarrassing and then I actually heard concern in her voice, rather than dismissal, which should’ve been comforting, but it just pissed me off lol. Anyways, sorry I’m done now lol 😂