Several years back, these opening lines to Moby Dick were painted using a stencil on the Jamaica Bay Greenway, heading east, I believe just after the Plumb Beach restrooms and parking lot:
"Whenever I find myself growing grim about the mouth; whenever it is a damp, drizzly November in my soul; whenever I find myself involuntarily pausing before coffin warehouses, and bringing up the rear of every funeral I meet; and especially whenever my hypos get such an upper hand of me, that it requires a strong moral principle to prevent me from deliberately stepping into the street, and methodically knocking people’s hats off—then, I account it high time to get to sea as soon as I can."
I always loved reading these lines on bike rides. I knew that when I got to these words, I had left the traffic and chaos of Brooklyn behind and could zone out and enjoy many low-car, scenic miles with a sea breeze. Unfortunately, the paint has succumbed to the elements in the intervening years.
I'm wondering if anyone has any insight into the origins of this project - was this done by DOT/Parks, or some kind of community project? Is there is any hope of getting it re-painted? I suppose with a dozen people, it could probably be done in an afternoon...

A fear of going over budget for a bathroom renovation? Stop worrying! With careful planning and ingenuity, you can renovate your bathroom on a tight budget. Whether you prefer a sleek, modern look or a rustic charm, this blog post will help you design your ideal bathroom on a budget.

Evaluating the Needs of Your Bathroom

Before redesigning, evaluate your bathroom's demands. Look around and identify the areas that are most bothering you. Is it outdated hardware, problems with storage, or a more practical design?
Take a look at how often you use the restroom. Exist any improvements you could make to make your process simpler? For those who like long, relaxing baths, installing a deep soaking tub can be a top concern.
Think about the look and feel you want your new bathroom to have. like simple, uncluttered designs? Or do you prefer complex old-world charm? It would be easier for you to select materials and colors if you know your own style.
Don't forget about practicalities. If your family uses the same bathroom, you might need extra storage to keep things organized.
Think about upcoming needs and changes. Will you buy something else soon, or will this be your forever home? Being prepared can save expensive renovations.
You may decide what to improve during your affordable remodel of your bathroom by looking at its practical and cosmetic requirements.

Deciding on a Reasonable Budget

Prior to renovating your bathroom, establish a suitable budget. This aids in judgment and prevents you from overspending on goods and services that are unnecessary.
Determine how much you can afford to spend on bathroom remodeling first. Think about how big your bathroom is, how much work you want done, and how much more it will cost.
After that, list your top priorities for the bathroom renovation North Shore. Do certain fittings or features have to be included? You can spend more while staying within your budget if you rank these according to significance.
It's also necessary to look into local labor and material costs. This will assist you in pricing estimates when purchasing goods or obtaining quotes from contractors.
Count on unanticipated renovation expenses. Always keep some money set out for unforeseen events or last-minute changes.
You may have a beautiful new bathroom without going over your budget if you plan carefully and set a fair budget for the renovation. To get the most out of every dollar invested, plan and research!

Do It Yourself vs. Contracting Out

Whether to hire a contractor or do it yourself is one of the most important decisions you will make when remodelling your bathroom. Both approaches offer advantages and disadvantages based on cost, time, and experience.
Do-it-yourself projects can give you complete design control and labor savings. Plumbing, electrical, tiling, and other renovations to bathrooms can be challenging. Hiring a professional could be the greatest option if you don't have experience or don't have enough time.
Hiring a contractor, however, guarantees speedy and code-compliant renovation. They possess the knowledge and tools necessary to do the project. Supplier agreements that lower material costs are common among contractors.

Innovative Concepts for an Economical Bathroom Renovation

On a budget, creative remodeling ideas for bathrooms can make all the difference. With a little DIY spirit and creative thinking, your bathroom may become an exquisite haven without going over budget.
Paint and accessories are two inexpensive design options. Your bathroom could be completely transformed with a new coat of modern paint. Decorate your walls with stencils or decals for visual appeal. Recall your accessories! Your bathroom can be completely changed by just installing contemporary toilet paper holders and towel bars.
Another creative design concept is to reuse everyday items. Have you have an outdated ladder? You may make a rustic towel rack by leaning it against the wall. Are there any other mason jars available? Q-tips and cotton balls can be kept in them. Never-ending opportunities for reuse!
Make your own shelf units or vanities if you're handy, rather than purchasing them. You can change the size and style to suit your demands while also saving money.
A space can be changed by the lighting. Your bathroom can be transformed with new light fittings or brighter bulbs.

Ways to Reduce the Cost of Materials and Labor

Redesigning your bathroom on a tight budget requires cutting costs on labor and supplies. Here are a few ideas to stretch your budget:
To get the best bargains, compare prices offered by contractors and suppliers before making a purchase. Try to find sales, discounts, or clearance items to cut costs on materials.

1. Examine other materials: Look for less expensive materials with a comparable appearance before purchasing pricey tiles or fixtures. For less money, vinyl flooring can have a hardwood-like appearance.
   
2. Try to do it yourself: While many bathroom remodeling projects may be completed without expert assistance, some call for it. You can paint walls, install towel bars or shelves, and change faucets using basic tools and skills.
   
3. Make judicious hiring decisions: If contractors are needed for plumbing or electrical repairs, get multiple quotes and select the one that offers a good price and great quality.
   
4. Reuse and repurpose: Use things you already have or go thrifting for interesting finds at reasonable prices to create a new look for your bathroom renovation rather of purchasing new items.
   

You might be able to afford a lovely new bathroom by making smart decisions and seizing cost-saving possibilities.

Using Upcycling and Repurposing in Your Bathroom Renovation

On a tight budget, upcycling and repurposing are excellent ways to add personality to your bathroom makeover. Don't discard old items; instead, repurpose them in your new space.
It's creative to convert an old side table or dresser into a vanity. Removing plumbing lines and adding a sink top can help your bathroom stand out. This will add a distinctive design to your bathroom and save you money on a new vanity.
You may make elegant toiletry or cotton ball storage out of old mason jars or glass bottles. All you have to do is clean them and paint the lids to match the color scheme of your bathrooms North Shore. These upcycled receptacles offer both style and utility.
Some creative uses for materials include reclaimed wood for shelving or accent walls or backsplashes made from repurposed tiles. This saves money on new supplies and makes your project environmentally friendly.
While saving money, repurposed and upcycled materials give your bathroom makeover elegance and sustainability. Think about how something could work in your new bathroom before discarding it throughout your renovation!

The Value of Appropriate Research and Planning

It takes considerable planning and study to redesign a bathroom on a budget. Your project could be costly, time-consuming, and frustrating if your goals, desires, and constraints are not carefully considered.
Evaluate the layout and usability of your bathroom. Think on the good and the bad. Exist any particular issues or challenges? It helps to prioritize remodeling.
Establish a realistic budget after assessing your financial situation. To estimate costs, find the typical labor and material costs in your location. Don't forget to factor in surprises when renovating.
Decide if you want to DIY or hire a contractor after you've chosen a budget. Although they require effort and talent, do-it-yourself upgrades are less expensive. At a premium cost, contractors produce outcomes that are professionally done.
Have fun designing a cost-effective makeover! Look for inexpensive options, like repurposing old furniture or switching to vinyl flooring from tile, in magazines or online.
​

I was talking to my husband a bit ago and We brought up my transition and how it worked for me and I thought I should share for any kiddos out here.
Before I was out, I was very Tom-Boy. Just one of the guys and I figured out a few ways to get around high school and life.
My hair was over 14 inches long and I always wore it in a loose pony tail or a loose braid. My dad was diagnosed with cancer right around the time I was coming out and I knew I needed short hair so I asked my mom if I could donate my hair to charity. I did a good deed while helping myself out too. You can tell your parents “I want to start making differences in the world and I think this is a good start” if you’re not ready to come out like I was.
I had a close male friend bring me an extra pair of clothes to wear at school. The gym uniform was unisex, everyone wore the same shorts and shirts so I didn’t need a gym uniform but my friend would take a bag of his clothes, some socks, men’s pants or shorts, and shirts, and when I got to school I would change in the restroom. It made it easier to try and find what kind of styles I liked and when I finally did come out to family he took all the clothes he brought me anyways in a large trash bag and gave them to me (they were all old clothes or hand me downs he was going to give away to goodwill). I also just so happened to make friend with a trans girl so we swapped clothes
For school dances I would wear a dress and look all nice and prim for photos and when we got to the dance area I had a suit in my bag to change into. Took all the “girly” photos before I went and changed into my suit in case family wanted pictures galore.
If you take cotton or couch foam and make a stencil of your foot, find where your feet need arch support, and then cut out cardboard and foam you can make impromptu shoe lifts and get shoes one or one and a half size larger (I was a very small Asian child so I had tiny tiny feet but if I wore shoes just a little too big they didn’t look wonky and it made me ever so taller) if anyone wants a step by step on how I did it feel free to ask
Before I had a binder I wore two sport bras. One loose sport bra with wide straps first, then a tighter sports bra. This was so the smaller sport bra straps wouldn’t dig into my skin or sides the larger sport bra sort of protected my skin. I do not recommend doing this for longer than four to eight hours at a time. Make you’re you can still breath properly, move properly, and stretch properly. If you CAN get a binder, DO. But this was a safer alternative to tape or ace bandage which I sadly admit I have done before.
Some weird tricks I learned:
Men stand on both feet practically at all times while women tend to lean on just one foot
When you’re sitting down, don’t cross your legs. Put your foot on your knee, or you can put your knees shoulders length across and put your ankles together
If you think you have feminine hand writing, rotate the paper you’re writing on. It causes you to start adjusting your writing because if you have the paper aligned with your wrist as you write that’s what your body perceived as habit. If you rotate the paper 15-40 degrees it causes your writing to look different.
No man sneezes the same way. If you think your sneeze is feminine simply try to grunt while you sneeze. It sounded weird when I first heard it but it actually does sound a little manlier.
If anyone has any advice or questions feel free to add on things you learned that helped you when you started transitioning

“I’m not a fan of online dating”, he said, in between taking a sip of his old fashioned. “I mean, what’s the point, really? In my opinion, online dating has only two purposes: the first being for sex, and the second being for validation.”
At the other-end of the table, a skinny brunette sat quietly and listened. With her frayed hair, blue eyes and perky breasts, she wasn’t anything remarkable to look at. In fact, besides these perky breasts, she didn’t have much to offer in terms of beauty. But for the most part it didn’t matter. It didn’t matter if she was a five or six (her mother always thought her to be the former) because middle-aged men, when confronted with the possibility of being alone, always settle for less than their perceived ideal — which was fine by her. For here she was having a drink at one of the finest gin-joints in town free of expense.
“How do you figure?” she asked, while gulping down Merlot, staining her teeth with a tinted red.
“Well, Maria —"
“Theresa”
“Huh?”’
“My name is Theresa, not Maria.”
“Alright, Theresa, you have Tinder, right?”
“Tinder?”
“The dating app where you swipe left or right depending on whether or not the person is ugly or not.”
“Hey, that’s not very nice —"
“I’m not trying to be nice. I’m just stating the truth.”
“Well, my mother always said if you can’t say something nice, then don’t say nothing at all.”
“Isn’t that from Bambi?”
“Honestly, most of the things I’ve learned in life came from my mother or television, so it could be either...”
Theresa chuckled and then flicked her hair back. Her split ends radiated in the stenciled brass lighting. There was just something about her that made him tick; perhaps, it was because of this bar they were in. The place was far busier than usual from what he remembered, and tonight the curved arches, balconies, and balustrades made it impossible to view anything without romantic undertones. He’d like to think that. He’d like to think that the sound of the Atlantic crashing against the rocks was romantic.
“Anyways,” Theresa continued, “As you were saying?”
“As I was saying,” he went on,” Do you have tinder?”
Theresa shifted in her seat a little.
“...Yes, I have tinder.”
“And why do you have Tinder?”
A suede jacket, a gold watch, and wingtip dress-shoes. A suede jacket, a gold watch, and wingtip dress shoes — yes, this was a man who had made a living understanding the cost of needing to make a living.
“Why do you have tinder?” he asked again. His elbows now draped alongside the wooden countertop.
“Sorry, I zoned out there for a second,” she apologized. “What did you say?”
“Why do you have tinder?” he asked once more.
Theresa raised her wine glass and took another gulp; her face was obscured behind a veil of opaque purple. Gulp. Gulp. Gulp. As she guzzled down the final few drops, the man with a suede jacket, a gold watch, and wingtip dress shoes watched.
“I’m looking for the love of my life,” she replied.
…
She reached for the bottle: there was no more wine left to be drunk.
Fuck.
“You know, why this place is famous right?” he slurred, as he swaggered back and forth in his chair.
Theresa took in the view: antique floor and table lamps; a fireplace carved of brilliant marble; palm trees casting luminous shadows against white walls; old and young couples alike hiding their insecurities in twenty to twenty-two-ounce chalices and surface-level conversations. Even with last call announced by the bartender, the place was evocative of a glitz and glamour that even a F. Scott Fitzgerald novel would pale in comparison to.
“It’s where they filmed, Casablanca, isn’t it?” she finally spoke.
“No, they didn’t film Casablanca here,” he said, gesturing around the room, nearly keeling over while doing so. “It’s a recreation of the bar in the movie, you know—"
“Rick's Café Américain. Yes, I’ve watched Casablanca before,” she interrupted.
“…Then would you know that the sculpted bar over there is where Humphrey Bogart first recited, of all —
“ The gin joints in all the towns in all the world, she walks into mine. Yes, I’ve seen—"
“And that 1930’s Pleyel piano the in-house pianist is playing is the same one Sam played while singing, As Time Goes By”
“Right now, I wish time went by --”
“And those oak doors over there is where Ingrid Bergman—"
“You really know a lot about this place, huh?” she interjected, coolly.
The man with a suede jacket and a gold watch and wingtip dress shoes sat in silence for a moment. Then he reached for his old-fashioned: there was nothing left but bitters and a melting ice cube.
“Well, I used to come here all the time when I was your age,” he continued.
“And how long ago was that?” she asked.
“When I was married.”
He looked over at the wooden doors again.
“…You were married?”
It was where Ingrid Berman, the Swedish blonde who painted her face with her eyes, first strolled into Humphrey Bogart’s little gin joint.
“Once upon a time”, he replied, raising his drink.
He held it in the air for a long moment. Reluctantly, she clinked her glass against his. Then he lurched back into his seat -- which took a great deal of effort -- and she laid her glass back down on the table. After this was all said and done, he reached for his collar and adjusted his “tie”: he wasn’t wearing one. It was a motion he most likely had grown very accustomed to. After all, at the moment, he was too maudlin to notice. Then he said something about working in an office and wanting to hang himself. Why not? Go for it. Who am I to stop you? Wait, she shouldn’t project.
“And what is it that you do for a living” Theresa asked, resting the weight of her chin on her arm.
“Advertising,” he replied, with a drunken grin.
The bar went quiet, or the lack of an ambient murmur seemed to indicate so. Regardless of how many people were in the place, Theresa now sat erect in her chair with her shoulders upright. She was quite-lady-like.
“And what is it that you advertise?” she asked with her eyes now locked on his.
“Mostly dating apps, ” he answered, “That’s why I asked you if you had tinder earlier. I wanted to know why a girl like you goes out with a guy like me.”
Theresa curled her lip inward and bit down hard. A metallic warmth pervaded her pallet, tantalizing her taste buds with the sin of....more. She wanted more, and this man before her could also be found wanting; for here he was, in one of the finest gin joints in town, wanting what came after an old-fashioned, a decorous bill, and a moonlight escapade through the razor-thin alleyways of Casablanca with the fog rolling in.
It shouldn’t be her fault he had already planned the route before they had even met.
…
“I like older men”, Theresa sweetly said, as she wiped her lips with a cocktail napkin. The shade of red where her lipstick found its mark emblazoned on the coarse surface like an autograph given from a Hollywood starlet.
“Do you now?” He replied, puffing his chest out in the process. He must be attractive to her.
“There’s just something attractive about an older man, wouldn’t you agree?” she said, leaning over the table and sliding his now empty old-fashioned over to her end. Then she pulled out the melting ice cube and examined it. Drop. Drop. Drop. The liquid dribbled over her knuckles and became more and more evaporated as she fingered the cube more and more—
“Wouldn’t you agree?” she said once more.
The condensation from the ice cube soaked into the wood. Beads of sweat formed on his forehead. In the midnight heat, they glistened.
“…What, what do you mean?” he squeaked out.
Theresa bit her lip and smiled again. Then she took the ice cube and hovered it near her mouth.
“There’s just something older men possess that younger men do not,” she said, lipping the ice cube. “And, yes, a younger man may be chiseled and confident and charming -- hell, they might even fuck like horse in bed…”
Drop. Drop. Drop. Crystalline wetness glistened upon her lips and then fell from them onto the soaked wood. The man with the suede jacket, a gold watch, and wingtip dress shoes inched to the edge of his seat.
“…but there is just something about an older man that cannot be beat. There is just something about them that is just irresistible, and for the life of me, I can’t put my finger on it.”
She held a very long look at him.
“Do you know what it is?”
The man the suede jacket, a gold watch, and wingtip dress shoes sat at the other end of the table, unmoving.
“…is it because they have stature?
Theresa nodded her head thoughtfully and wiped off the water that formed on her hands; the ice cube had melted.
“…Yeah, that could be it.”
A moment of silence passed between them. Then Theresa stood up with her purse in hand and walked over to him. Then she began encircling his wrist; it was smooth to touch and heavy to feel, as if you could scratch the color off--
“I’m going to go freshen up before we leave. Is that okay?" she asked, leaning in close, her fingers running along his.
“...Would you like me to join you?”
Theresa smiled and then stepped away from him.
“I don’t need any assistance.” she said, walking away from the table. “Just the bill.”
…
As she maneuvered her way through the tables and toward the restroom, he looked on intently. There was just something about her that made him tick; perhaps, it was the way she looked at him and smiled. Even now when she eyed the wooden doors, and then the restroom, and then the wooden doors once more, he was floored. It was as if he had a front-row seat at a ping-pong competition, swinging his head back and forth, wondering which thing would capture her attention first; and, as she entered the restroom, she was all the more the spectacle. She knew what she wanted, and he didn’t dare change her mind -- he wasn’t even that drunk. He didn’t dare encumber himself with the fact that he knew she was more than he bargained for because when you’ve been selling nothing for years, you don’t pass up an opportunity for a new product…
…that’s advertising 101. You give the customer what they want. And no matter how flawed and fragile that product may be, you give the customer what they want. I mean, look at Apple these days: they don’t make quality products. They make iPhones, iPads, and Air Pods -- a bunch of parts loosely strewn together in a Malaysian sweatshop -- and in a few years, you’ll be paying seven hundred dollars for “repairs”, for something that was already broken. He knew what that felt like. He knew what it felt like to purchase something that was meant to last for years but didn’t make it past the warranty. He knew what it felt to like to invest in something that was supposed to take a lot of wear and tear, only for it to break at the first sign of trouble. And he knew what it felt like to love, only for that love to be found in a motel room fucking the brains out of someone who didn’t even know her name.
God, she had spent a lot of time in the restroom.
…
He should be embarrassed he should be embarrassed to be drunk as a skunk and drool all over the place in front of other people its fucking embarrassing and the worst part is that tomorrow he’ll tell all his corporate pencil pusher buddies that he balled the broad at the bar and then proceed to brag about how good he fucked her Christ why are my eyebrows so lopsided and why are my breasts so perky and why are my cheeks so chubby why is he such a miserable little wretch he has a suede jacket and a gold watch and wingtip dress shoes and no heart he is a shallow creature who can’t control himself he can’t hold a conversation he will work in an office from nine to five until the day he dies and he will never know what it’s like to hold the hand of someone he loves and he will never know what it’s like to look at someone and be totally vulnerable and he will always be the one who sits down at a table and have no one look up and he will always be the joint that people pass around take a hit of and then exhale and he will always be a whoring wanting human piece of trash that no one dared to love because there wasn’t much to love.
…God, why am I looking into a restroom mirror?
…
By the time she finally returned from the restroom, the bar had all but cleared out. The table lamps were extinguished. The terracotta tile, once carnelian and gleaming -- set in the floor by hand -- lay waste to footprints. Even the bus boy, who wouldn’t fool a soul if he asked for a drink, had already wiped the sweat off his brow and bussed his last table. There was no left in the place, except for him and her. There was not a human noise to be heard, nor a person seen moving. Everyone had left for what came after a drink and dinner.
“That took awhile” he said, reaching for his old-fashioned: it wasn’t there. One of the bus-boys must’ve taken it earlier. Theresa bore over him silently, watching him grasp blindly for what was already lone gone.
"There was a long line at the cue.” she finally replied.
“…I’m sure there was.”
Theresa’s eyes darted across the room towards the rest room and the wooden doors. There was no one at either.
“Do you want to leave?” he asked, his eyes fixated on where she was looking. Theresa stood there for a moment, silent.
“…Are you sure you don’t want to get another drink?
The man with a suede jacket, a gold watch and wingtip dress shoes tapped a black leather envelope that lay next to him.
“The cheque’s already here.”
Theresa stood there for a moment once more, silent.
“…You sure, you don’t want another drink?
The man with a suede jacket, a gold watch and wingtip dress shoes shook his head.
“ I’ve had enough to drink.” he replied.
Theresa looked over to the other end of the table. Sure enough, the cheque was there, flat on the table. Next to the cheque, a gold watch wrung around a plump wrist. On the floor, wingtip dress shoes planted into the ground. Before her, a suede jacket that looked about two sizes too large wrapped around an equally too large torso; and above that… blue eyes. They were such flawed and fragile and vulnerable and harrowed and broken and tormented and lonely and greedy and guilty and unworthy and pitiful and beautiful, blue eyes.
“…So, what’s the damage?” she said, her eyes glued on his, unmoving.
The man with the beautiful, blue eyes smiled.
"I’ll pay,” he answered.

"Yo Jimbo, I found one of your little spook things on the floor in the men's," Virgil thumbed a quarter-sized, nondescript silver disk through the air. Jimmy snatched it with one hand before it thumped him on his forehead. Then he immediately slammed it down on the work desk.
"Aw man. The bathroom floor? Did you wash it? Shoot...," Jimmy wiped his hand on the thigh of his khaki Dockers, then plucked a wet-wipe from a dispenser and had a vigorous rub.
"No I didn't wash it. What is it? Is there a camera in there? Do you have any in the women's restroom?" Virgil entered the Information Technology room and stood next to Jimmy. The work desk was an jumbled mess - computer parts, cables, disks, used coffee cups and wadded up food wrappers everywhere. A picture of Shia LaBeouf in a heart shaped frame sat off to the side. The silver disk rested on an almost clean area. Jimmy flipped his used wet-wipe away and tapped the disk.
"I have no idea what this is," he said. "It isn't mine."
"Don't bullshit me," Virgil said. "These things have been popping up all over the office. I know y'all are spying on us. Personally I could give a shit; but in the bathrooms? Creepy, Jimbo. Tres Creepy."
"I'm telling you, this isn't mine."
"It isn't yours?"
"I don't even know what this shit is," Jimmy held the disk between thumb and finger and turned it around. Smooth silver, maybe twice as thick as a quarter, with no visible marking or stenciling on the surface whatsoever. He held it to his ear and shook it back and forth.
"Okay, come on then," Virgil lead the way. They left the IT room and went towards the elevators. Virgil was tall and fat and Jimmy, even being a small man, had to walk slightly behind him as the hallway was rather narrow.
"Where are we going?" Jimmy asked when Virgil entered the lobby and pushed the button to call the elevator.
"Nowhere."
"Then what are we doing here?"
"I just want you to see something."
The elevator arrived with a ding and opened to an empty cab. Virgil placed a hand to stop the doors from closing then leaned in and pointed to another one of the disks, exactly the same, that had been affixed to the control panel. It was in the bottom corner, unobtrusive, where a person wouldn't normally look to notice. Jimmy scrapped his finger against its edge. It was stuck firm.
"Bizarre," Jimmy said. "Has this always been here?"
"No," Virgil answered. "Last week it just kind of showed up."
"How can you be sure?"
"Follow me, faithful companion." They left the lobby and went to the break-room. Virgil directed Jimmy's attention to the side of the refrigerator, top back, where there was another nondescript, unobtrusive disk.
"Whoa," Jimmy said.
"There's more."
The complete tour took them to the copy room, conference rooms, perimeter halls and cubicle farm. In each area, Virgil pointed out another disk attached to a vent, cabinet, or metal frame where it would be hard to notice.
Back in the IT room, Virgil explained, "I don't mind being spied on. They want to hear me pass gas or watch me pick my nose while I'm putting in my eight hours, fuck it, let them. But when I found that one on the floor of the men's...."
Jimmy had cleared off a section of the desk to give the mystery disk a respectable amount of space. It sat there, doing nothing.
"I don't see how it could be a camera or even a microphone," Jimmy considered. "Too small and there's nothing... to it." He tapped the surface with a screwdriver.
"Are you going to open it?" Virgil asked.
"How? There's no ridge or seam that I can see."
"Maybe it's hidden?"
"I still wouldn't know how, or if, it can be opened."
"Smash it with a hammer," Virgil suggested.
Jimmy thought for a moment, then said, "No, it probably belongs to the building. Maybe it's some sort of motion sensor to track how often areas are used?"
"You asking me?" Virgil replied. "I still think it's some sort of super spy pervvy camera. Well, whatever. I've nothing to be ashamed of; somebody wants to watch me hold it steady while I fill up a urinal, that's their problem. You going to be at McCarthy's tonight?"
"No. Can't tonight."
"Another thing with your wife again?"
"Yeah...."
"Bring her!"
"Yeah, no...."
"Come on man, you can't hide her forever." Virgil went to Jimmy's personal desk and picked up a framed photo: Jimmy and his new bride in their formal Indian wedding attire. Jimmy looking stunned; the bride looking scared. Pretty, but scared. "Eventually she's going to learn what a big mistake she made. I might as well be the one to tell her."
"After I fill her with babies," Jimmy replied.
Virgil nodded. "Then what can she do about it? Makes sense."
"Five thousand years of culture, we've learned a thing or two."
"Namaste." Virgil looked perfectly ridiculous as he bowed out of the room, hand's clasped in front of his huge belly, bent at the waist.
With Virgil gone, Jimmy paced the room; scanning every vent, cabinet, box, and desk for one of the disks. He ran his hands over the backs of the computer racks, feeling for anything out of the ordinary but found nothing. He rubbed his chin, shuffled around nervously, then dropped to his knees and looked underneath the office desks. Still nothing.
He stood over the disk. Tapped it with the screwdriver. Whistled low. Then, in a flurry of decisive action, grabbed his keys and unlocked the equipment cabinet. He went in for the toolbox and noticed it: another silver disk; affixed to the roof of the cabinet.
Jimmy reached up and touched it; cool, metal. Nothing out of the ordinary. He tried prying it loose with his fingers but it was good and stuck.
"...fuck this...," Jimmy muttered and grabbed the toolbox. He set it on the worktable, opened it, and took out a hammer.
***
"Oh fuck this," Jimmy reiterated ten minutes later. He'd been trying to hammer the disk open with no success, not even a scratch. He shuffled through the toolbox until he found an awl; placed the tip in the center of the disk, held it firm, then brought the hammer down hard.
The awl gave a fraction of an inch. The disk was penetrated.
Jimmy set the tools aside and studied his handiwork. The disk now had a pinprick sized hole in its center. He leaned down to have a closer look and a thin vein of grey smoke rose from the disk. It smelled like electricity; like lightning.
Jimmy fanned it away.
Tiny black bubbles emerged and hissed around the hole. They popped and spread out in a slimy ooze. Jimmy almost touched the disk with his finger, then thought better about that, and retrieved a screwdriver. With it, he poked the disk. It collapsed on itself; becoming two separate pieces. Still using the screwdriver; Jimmy separated the pieces.
There was nothing between them; only a thin glaze of black slime and the smell of ozone.
"Fuck," Jimmy concluded. And then he swept it all into the trashcan with a wet-wipe.
***
Jimmy sat in his car for a few moments after parking it in the garage. He'd told Virgil he would be busy with his wife tonight, and that was technically true, but in reality they were just going to sit around and watch TV before going to bed. Awkwardly going to bed.
They'd been married four weeks now and had yet to consummate the union. Yeah, I'd call that fucking awkward, wouldn't you?
It had been a quasi-arraigned marriage. Their names hadn't been written in ink - not even Indian ink - in a book when they'd been born, and his family hadn't received a cow for dowry from hers; but pressure had been applied, his advancing age had been relentlessly commented on, and pictures emailed back and forth so here he was - married to a stranger.
She seemed nice. Quite. Shy. And there was the problem - Jimmy himself was pretty shy, at least around women. He could crack up and make merry all day long with his homies, but with attractive members of the opposite sex? His mouth filled with grass and his hands became balloons. He was not, strictly speaking, a virgin, but his limited, generally humiliating sexual experiences hadn't exactly emboldened him with confidence.
So he would go inside the house, make small talk, agree on whatever program she was interested in, eat while watching TV, then, eventually, settle into the king-sized bed; her on one side, him on the other.
Maybe tonight, Jimmy caught his eyes in the rear-view mirror. Soft and brown. He narrowed them, trying to infuse steel into the irises. Tonight I'll ask her if she wants a back rub....
Jimmy quit the car and entered his house through the mudroom. It opened to the kitchen where he called out, "Hello? Sikta? I'm home."
From the opposite side of island counter-top, Jimmy noticed a puddle of reddish brown, viscous liquid seeping across the floor. He moved into the room and, advancing, saw a pair of small feet soaking in the pool.
"Sikta?" he said?
Behind him, the door slammed.
Jimmy jumped, turned, briefly saw the shape of a man lunging at him, and then everything went dark.
***
Sitka was dead. Throat cut ear to ear. Bled out like a slaughtered pig on the kitchen floor. The smell was nauseating.
Jimmy was strapped to the dining room table with bungee cords, unable to move. A dish rag crammed in his mouth to prevent any yelling. Still, he squirmed and whined and thrashed as best he could until fatigue overtook him. Then he lay there and cried.
After a few hours, a man entered the room and pulled the rag from Jimmy's mouth. Jimmy sputtered and the man said, "Quite. You scream you die."
The man sat at one of the dining room chairs. He was average looking, dirty brown hair, Caucasian, dressed in a polo shirt and denim jeans. The only striking thing about him was his eyes. They were icy, arctic blue. So blue they were almost inhuman. They locked on Jimmy and he suddenly felt as cold as if he'd been dropped into the bottom of the ocean.
"One question: why Shia LaBeouf?" the man asked.
Jimmy's mind went blank. He shook his head and sputtered.
"On your desk? At the office? Shia LaBeouf in the heart frame? What? Are you gay for Shia LaBeouf?"
"Nuh... no," Jimmy answered. "No, that's a joke."
The man sniffed and looked at Sitka's body. He shrugged.
"I don't get it," he said. "What's so funny about Shia LaBeouf in a heart frame? He's a terrible actor, you know."
"Who are you?" Jimmy asked. "What are you... doing?"
"I'm going to kill you. Soon. As soon as get this LaBeouf thing straight in my head. Why is it a joke?"
"Kill me? Did you kill...?"
"Her? Yes. 'though if you're gay for Shia, she's better off dead anyway. He's not an attractive man by anybody's standards."
"No... Why...?"
"You messed up today. The hammer? With the awl? That was a stupid mistake. So you have to die, if for no other reason than as an object lesson for anybody thinking of destroying our property."
The man tapped his chin and looked at the ceiling.
"Well," he continued, "we wouldn't be entirely incorrect to label it murder instead of destruction of property, would we? Anyway, you have to die. But first: what's with Shia LaBeouf?"
Jimmy thrashed and opened his mouth for a good scream but the man viciously slammed an elbow into his gut, knocking all Jimmy's air out in a great, weeping whoosh.
"This can go easy; it can go hard. Tell me why it's a joke? The LaBeouf photo?"
It took Jimmy a few moments to catch his breath. When he did, he said, "I was in Temple of Doom. As a kid. I was in that movie."
"Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom?" The man asked.
"Yes. At the end. When he brought all those Indian kids back to the village? I was one of those kids."
"Really?"
"Yes. I don't even really remember it now, but you can see me if you pause the right frame. My parents knew somebody who worked on the movie and they got me in that scene. I don't know why. I don't remember how. But...."
"Ah," the man stood up and paced the room. "I think I see now.... Growing up people must have teased you for being in that movie - because it was so bad."
"Yes," Jimmy agreed. Tears freely flowing from his eyes.
"Well," the man considered, "in all fairness, it isn't too bad a movie, but for the longest time it was the worse Indian Jones movie. Until that Crystal Skull abomination. Truly a bad movie by anybody's standards."
"Yes, yes...."
"So the picture of Shia LaBeouf in a heart frame is your appreciation for him... 'taking the heat' off you, as they say."
Jimmy nodded and sobbed.
"Hmm," the man considered. Then his lips curled up in a smile. "Yes. I see the humor."
The man took a razor from his pocket and used it to slice open Jimmy's neck.

"Yo Jimbo, I found one of your little spook things on the floor in the men's," Virgil thumbed a quarter-sized, nondescript silver disk through the air. Jimmy snatched it with one hand before it thumped him on his forehead. Then he immediately slammed it down on the work desk.
"Aw man. The bathroom floor? Did you wash it? Shoot...," Jimmy wiped his hand on the thigh of his khaki Dockers, then plucked a wet-wipe from a dispenser and had a vigorous rub.
"No I didn't wash it. What is it? Is there a camera in there? Do you have any in the women's restroom?" Virgil entered the Information Technology room and stood next to Jimmy. The work desk was an jumbled mess - computer parts, cables, disks, used coffee cups and wadded up food wrappers everywhere. A picture of Shia LaBeouf in a heart shaped frame sat off to the side. The silver disk rested on an almost clean area. Jimmy flipped his used wet-wipe away and tapped the disk.
"I have no idea what this is," he said. "It isn't mine."
"Don't bullshit me," Virgil said. "These things have been popping up all over the office. I know y'all are spying on us. Personally I could give a shit; but in the bathrooms? Creepy, Jimbo. Tres Creepy."
"I'm telling you, this isn't mine."
"It isn't yours?"
"I don't even know what this shit is," Jimmy held the disk between thumb and finger and turned it around. Smooth silver, maybe twice as thick as a quarter, with no visible marking or stenciling on the surface whatsoever. He held it to his ear and shook it back and forth.
"Okay, come on then," Virgil lead the way. They left the IT room and went towards the elevators. Virgil was tall and fat and Jimmy, even being a small man, had to walk slightly behind him as the hallway was rather narrow.
"Where are we going?" Jimmy asked when Virgil entered the lobby and pushed the button to call the elevator.
"Nowhere."
"Then what are we doing here?"
"I just want you to see something."
The elevator arrived with a ding and opened to an empty cab. Virgil placed a hand to stop the doors from closing then leaned in and pointed to another one of the disks, exactly the same, that had been affixed to the control panel. It was in the bottom corner, unobtrusive, where a person wouldn't normally look to notice. Jimmy scrapped his finger against its edge. It was stuck firm.
"Bizarre," Jimmy said. "Has this always been here?"
"No," Virgil answered. "Last week it just kind of showed up."
"How can you be sure?"
"Follow me, faithful companion." They left the lobby and went to the break-room. Virgil directed Jimmy's attention to the side of the refrigerator, top back, where there was another nondescript, unobtrusive disk.
"Whoa," Jimmy said.
"There's more."
The complete tour took them to the copy room, conference rooms, perimeter halls and cubicle farm. In each area, Virgil pointed out another disk attached to a vent, cabinet, or metal frame where it would be hard to notice.
Back in the IT room, Virgil explained, "I don't mind being spied on. They want to hear me pass gas or watch me pick my nose while I'm putting in my eight hours, fuck it, let them. But when I found that one on the floor of the men's...."
Jimmy had cleared off a section of the desk to give the mystery disk a respectable amount of space. It sat there, doing nothing.
"I don't see how it could be a camera or even a microphone," Jimmy considered. "Too small and there's nothing... to it." He tapped the surface with a screwdriver.
"Are you going to open it?" Virgil asked.
"How? There's no ridge or seam that I can see."
"Maybe it's hidden?"
"I still wouldn't know how, or if, it can be opened."
"Smash it with a hammer," Virgil suggested.
Jimmy thought for a moment, then said, "No, it probably belongs to the building. Maybe it's some sort of motion sensor to track how often areas are used?"
"You asking me?" Virgil replied. "I still think it's some sort of super spy pervvy camera. Well, whatever. I've nothing to be ashamed of; somebody wants to watch me hold it steady while I fill up a urinal, that's their problem. You going to be at McCarthy's tonight?"
"No. Can't tonight."
"Another thing with your wife again?"
"Yeah...."
"Bring her!"
"Yeah, no...."
"Come on man, you can't hide her forever." Virgil went to Jimmy's personal desk and picked up a framed photo: Jimmy and his new bride in their formal Indian wedding attire. Jimmy looking stunned; the bride looking scared. Pretty, but scared. "Eventually she's going to learn what a big mistake she made. I might as well be the one to tell her."
"After I fill her with babies," Jimmy replied.
Virgil nodded. "Then what can she do about it? Makes sense."
"Five thousand years of culture, we've learned a thing or two."
"Namaste." Virgil looked perfectly ridiculous as he bowed out of the room, hand's clasped in front of his huge belly, bent at the waist.
With Virgil gone, Jimmy paced the room; scanning every vent, cabinet, box, and desk for one of the disks. He ran his hands over the backs of the computer racks, feeling for anything out of the ordinary but found nothing. He rubbed his chin, shuffled around nervously, then dropped to his knees and looked underneath the office desks. Still nothing.
He stood over the disk. Tapped it with the screwdriver. Whistled low. Then, in a flurry of decisive action, grabbed his keys and unlocked the equipment cabinet. He went in for the toolbox and noticed it: another silver disk; affixed to the roof of the cabinet.
Jimmy reached up and touched it; cool, metal. Nothing out of the ordinary. He tried prying it loose with his fingers but it was good and stuck.
"...fuck this...," Jimmy muttered and grabbed the toolbox. He set it on the worktable, opened it, and took out a hammer.
"Oh fuck this," Jimmy reiterated ten minutes later. He'd been trying to hammer the disk open with no success, not even a scratch. He shuffled through the toolbox until he found an awl; placed the tip in the center of the disk, held it firm, then brought the hammer down hard.
The awl gave a fraction of an inch. The disk was penetrated.
Jimmy set the tools aside and studied his handiwork. The disk now had a pinprick sized hole in its center. He leaned down to have a closer look and a thin vein of grey smoke rose from the disk. It smelled like electricity; like lightning.
Jimmy fanned it away.
Tiny black bubbles emerged and hissed around the hole. They popped and spread out in a slimy ooze. Jimmy almost touched the disk with his finger, then thought better about that, and retrieved a screwdriver. With it, he poked the disk. It collapsed on itself; becoming two separate pieces. Still using the screwdriver; Jimmy separated the pieces.
There was nothing between them; only a thin glaze of black slime and the smell of ozone.
"Fuck," Jimmy concluded. And then he swept it all into the trashcan with a wet-wipe.
Jimmy sat in his car for a few moments after parking it in the garage. He'd told Virgil he would be busy with his wife tonight, and that was technically true, but in reality they were just going to sit around and watch TV before going to bed. Awkwardly going to bed.
They'd been married four weeks now and had yet to consummate the union. Yeah, I'd call that fucking awkward, wouldn't you?
It had been a quasi-arraigned marriage. Their names hadn't been written in ink - not even Indian ink - in a book when they'd been born, and his family hadn't received a cow for dowry from hers; but pressure had been applied, his advancing age had been relentlessly commented on, and pictures emailed back and forth so here he was - married to a stranger.
She seemed nice. Quite. Shy. And there was the problem - Jimmy himself was pretty shy, at least around women. He could crack up and make merry all day long with his homies, but with attractive members of the opposite sex? His mouth filled with grass and his hands became balloons. He was not, strictly speaking, a virgin, but his limited, generally humiliating sexual experiences hadn't exactly emboldened him with confidence.
So he would go inside the house, make small talk, agree on whatever program she was interested in, eat while watching TV, then, eventually, settle into the king-sized bed; her on one side, him on the other.
Maybe tonight, Jimmy caught his eyes in the rear-view mirror. Soft and brown. He narrowed them, trying to infuse steel into the irises. Tonight I'll ask her if she wants a back rub....
Jimmy quit the car and entered his house through the mudroom. It opened to the kitchen where he called out, "Hello? Sikta? I'm home."
From the opposite side of island counter-top, Jimmy noticed a puddle of reddish brown, viscous liquid seeping across the floor. He moved into the room and, advancing, saw a pair of small feet soaking in the pool.
"Sikta?" he said?
Behind him, the door slammed.
Jimmy jumped, turned, briefly saw the shape of a man lunging at him, and then everything went dark.
Sitka was dead. Throat cut ear to ear. Bled out like a slaughtered pig on the kitchen floor. The smell was nauseating.
Jimmy was strapped to the dining room table with bungee cords, unable to move. A dish rag crammed in his mouth to prevent any yelling. Still, he squirmed and whined and thrashed as best he could until fatigue overtook him. Then he lay there and cried.
After a few hours, a man entered the room and pulled the rag from Jimmy's mouth. Jimmy sputtered and the man said, "Quite. You scream you die."
The man sat at one of the dining room chairs. He was average looking, dirty brown hair, Caucasian, dressed in a polo shirt and denim jeans. The only striking thing about him was his eyes. They were icy, arctic blue. So blue they were almost inhuman. They locked on Jimmy and he suddenly felt as cold as if he'd been dropped into the bottom of the ocean.
"One question: why Shia LaBeouf?" the man asked.
Jimmy's mind went blank. He shook his head and sputtered.
"On your desk? At the office? Shia LaBeouf in the heart frame? What? Are you gay for Shia LaBeouf?"
"Nuh... no," Jimmy answered. "No, that's a joke."
The man sniffed and looked at Sitka's body. He shrugged.
"I don't get it," he said. "What's so funny about Shia LaBeouf in a heart frame? He's a terrible actor, you know."
"Who are you?" Jimmy asked. "What are you... doing?"
"I'm going to kill you. Soon. As soon as get this LaBeouf thing straight in my head. Why is it a joke?"
"Kill me? Did you kill...?"
"Her? Yes. 'though if you're gay for Shia, she's better off dead anyway. He's not an attractive man by anybody's standards."
"No... Why...?"
"You messed up today. The hammer? With the awl? That was a stupid mistake. So you have to die, if for no other reason than as an object lesson for anybody thinking of destroying our property."
The man tapped his chin and looked at the ceiling.
"Well," he continued, "we wouldn't be entirely incorrect to label it murder instead of destruction of property, would we? Anyway, you have to die. But first: what's with Shia LaBeouf?"
Jimmy thrashed and opened his mouth for a good scream but the man viciously slammed an elbow into his gut, knocking all Jimmy's air out in a great, weeping whoosh.
"This can go easy; it can go hard. Tell me why it's a joke? The LaBeouf photo?"
It took Jimmy a few moments to catch his breath. When he did, he said, "I was in Temple of Doom. As a kid. I was in that movie."
"Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom?" The man asked.
"Yes. At the end. When he brought all those Indian kids back to the village? I was one of those kids."
"Really?"
"Yes. I don't even really remember it now, but you can see me if you pause the right frame. My parents knew somebody who worked on the movie and they got me in that scene. I don't know why. I don't remember how. But...."
"Ah," the man stood up and paced the room. "I think I see now.... Growing up people must have teased you for being in that movie - because it was so bad."
"Yes," Jimmy agreed. Tears freely flowing from his eyes.
"Well," the man considered, "in all fairness, it isn't too bad a movie, but for the longest time it was the worse Indian Jones movie. Until that Crystal Skull abomination. Truly a bad movie by anybody's standards."
"Yes, yes...."
"So the picture of Shia LaBeouf in a heart frame is your appreciation for him... 'taking the heat' off you, as they say."
Jimmy nodded and sobbed.
"Hmm," the man considered. Then his lips curled up in a smile. "Yes. I see the humor."
The man took a razor from his pocket and used it to slice open Jimmy's neck.

"Yo Jimbo, I found one of your little spook things on the floor in the men's," Virgil thumbed a quarter-sized, nondescript silver disk through the air. Jimmy snatched it with one hand before it thumped him on his forehead. Then he immediately slammed it down on the work desk.
"Aw man. The bathroom floor? Did you wash it? Shoot...," Jimmy wiped his hand on the thigh of his khaki Dockers, then plucked a wet-wipe from a dispenser and had a vigorous rub.
"No I didn't wash it. What is it? Is there a camera in there? Do you have any in the women's restroom?" Virgil entered the Information Technology room and stood next to Jimmy. The work desk was an jumbled mess - computer parts, cables, disks, used coffee cups and wadded up food wrappers everywhere. A picture of Shia LaBeouf in a heart shaped frame sat off to the side. The silver disk rested on an almost clean area. Jimmy flipped his used wet-wipe away and tapped the disk.
"I have no idea what this is," he said. "It isn't mine."
"Don't bullshit me," Virgil said. "These things have been popping up all over the office. I know y'all are spying on us. Personally I could give a shit; but in the bathrooms? Creepy, Jimbo. Tres Creepy."
"I'm telling you, this isn't mine."
"It isn't yours?"
"I don't even know what this shit is," Jimmy held the disk between thumb and finger and turned it around. Smooth silver, maybe twice as thick as a quarter, with no visible marking or stenciling on the surface whatsoever. He held it to his ear and shook it back and forth.
"Okay, come on then," Virgil lead the way. They left the IT room and went towards the elevators. Virgil was tall and fat and Jimmy, even being a small man, had to walk slightly behind him as the hallway was rather narrow.
"Where are we going?" Jimmy asked when Virgil entered the lobby and pushed the button to call the elevator.
"Nowhere."
"Then what are we doing here?"
"I just want you to see something."
The elevator arrived with a ding and opened to an empty cab. Virgil placed a hand to stop the doors from closing then leaned in and pointed to another one of the disks, exactly the same, that had been affixed to the control panel. It was in the bottom corner, unobtrusive, where a person wouldn't normally look to notice. Jimmy scrapped his finger against its edge. It was stuck firm.
"Bizarre," Jimmy said. "Has this always been here?"
"No," Virgil answered. "Last week it just kind of showed up."
"How can you be sure?"
"Follow me, faithful companion." They left the lobby and went to the break-room. Virgil directed Jimmy's attention to the side of the refrigerator, top back, where there was another nondescript, unobtrusive disk.
"Whoa," Jimmy said.
"There's more."
The complete tour took them to the copy room, conference rooms, perimeter halls and cubicle farm. In each area, Virgil pointed out another disk attached to a vent, cabinet, or metal frame where it would be hard to notice.
Back in the IT room, Virgil explained, "I don't mind being spied on. They want to hear me pass gas or watch me pick my nose while I'm putting in my eight hours, fuck it, let them. But when I found that one on the floor of the men's...."
Jimmy had cleared off a section of the desk to give the mystery disk a respectable amount of space. It sat there, doing nothing.
"I don't see how it could be a camera or even a microphone," Jimmy considered. "Too small and there's nothing... to it." He tapped the surface with a screwdriver.
"Are you going to open it?" Virgil asked.
"How? There's no ridge or seam that I can see."
"Maybe it's hidden?"
"I still wouldn't know how, or if, it can be opened."
"Smash it with a hammer," Virgil suggested.
Jimmy thought for a moment, then said, "No, it probably belongs to the building. Maybe it's some sort of motion sensor to track how often areas are used?"
"You asking me?" Virgil replied. "I still think it's some sort of super spy pervvy camera. Well, whatever. I've nothing to be ashamed of; somebody wants to watch me hold it steady while I fill up a urinal, that's their problem. You going to be at McCarthy's tonight?"
"No. Can't tonight."
"Another thing with your wife again?"
"Yeah...."
"Bring her!"
"Yeah, no...."
"Come on man, you can't hide her forever." Virgil went to Jimmy's personal desk and picked up a framed photo: Jimmy and his new bride in their formal Indian wedding attire. Jimmy looking stunned; the bride looking scared. Pretty, but scared. "Eventually she's going to learn what a big mistake she made. I might as well be the one to tell her."
"After I fill her with babies," Jimmy replied.
Virgil nodded. "Then what can she do about it? Makes sense."
"Five thousand years of culture, we've learned a thing or two."
"Namaste." Virgil looked perfectly ridiculous as he bowed out of the room, hand's clasped in front of his huge belly, bent at the waist.
With Virgil gone, Jimmy paced the room; scanning every vent, cabinet, box, and desk for one of the disks. He ran his hands over the backs of the computer racks, feeling for anything out of the ordinary but found nothing. He rubbed his chin, shuffled around nervously, then dropped to his knees and looked underneath the office desks. Still nothing.
He stood over the disk. Tapped it with the screwdriver. Whistled low. Then, in a flurry of decisive action, grabbed his keys and unlocked the equipment cabinet. He went in for the toolbox and noticed it: another silver disk; affixed to the roof of the cabinet.
Jimmy reached up and touched it; cool, metal. Nothing out of the ordinary. He tried prying it loose with his fingers but it was good and stuck.
"...fuck this...," Jimmy muttered and grabbed the toolbox. He set it on the worktable, opened it, and took out a hammer.
"Oh fuck this," Jimmy reiterated ten minutes later. He'd been trying to hammer the disk open with no success, not even a scratch. He shuffled through the toolbox until he found an awl; placed the tip in the center of the disk, held it firm, then brought the hammer down hard.
The awl gave a fraction of an inch. The disk was penetrated.
Jimmy set the tools aside and studied his handiwork. The disk now had a pinprick sized hole in its center. He leaned down to have a closer look and a thin vein of grey smoke rose from the disk. It smelled like electricity; like lightning.
Jimmy fanned it away.
Tiny black bubbles emerged and hissed around the hole. They popped and spread out in a slimy ooze. Jimmy almost touched the disk with his finger, then thought better about that, and retrieved a screwdriver. With it, he poked the disk. It collapsed on itself; becoming two separate pieces. Still using the screwdriver; Jimmy separated the pieces.
There was nothing between them; only a thin glaze of black slime and the smell of ozone.
"Fuck," Jimmy concluded. And then he swept it all into the trashcan with a wet-wipe.
Jimmy sat in his car for a few moments after parking it in the garage. He'd told Virgil he would be busy with his wife tonight, and that was technically true, but in reality they were just going to sit around and watch TV before going to bed. Awkwardly going to bed.
They'd been married four weeks now and had yet to consummate the union. Yeah, I'd call that fucking awkward, wouldn't you?
It had been a quasi-arraigned marriage. Their names hadn't been written in ink - not even Indian ink - in a book when they'd been born, and his family hadn't received a cow for dowry from hers; but pressure had been applied, his advancing age had been relentlessly commented on, and pictures emailed back and forth so here he was - married to a stranger.
She seemed nice. Quite. Shy. And there was the problem - Jimmy himself was pretty shy, at least around women. He could crack up and make merry all day long with his homies, but with attractive members of the opposite sex? His mouth filled with grass and his hands became balloons. He was not, strictly speaking, a virgin, but his limited, generally humiliating sexual experiences hadn't exactly emboldened him with confidence.
So he would go inside the house, make small talk, agree on whatever program she was interested in, eat while watching TV, then, eventually, settle into the king-sized bed; her on one side, him on the other.
Maybe tonight, Jimmy caught his eyes in the rear-view mirror. Soft and brown. He narrowed them, trying to infuse steel into the irises. Tonight I'll ask her if she wants a back rub....
Jimmy quit the car and entered his house through the mudroom. It opened to the kitchen where he called out, "Hello? Sikta? I'm home."
From the opposite side of island counter-top, Jimmy noticed a puddle of reddish brown, viscous liquid seeping across the floor. He moved into the room and, advancing, saw a pair of small feet soaking in the pool.
"Sikta?" he said?
Behind him, the door slammed.
Jimmy jumped, turned, briefly saw the shape of a man lunging at him, and then everything went dark.
Sitka was dead. Throat cut ear to ear. Bled out like a slaughtered pig on the kitchen floor. The smell was nauseating.
Jimmy was strapped to the dining room table with bungee cords, unable to move. A dish rag crammed in his mouth to prevent any yelling. Still, he squirmed and whined and thrashed as best he could until fatigue overtook him. Then he lay there and cried.
After a few hours, a man entered the room and pulled the rag from Jimmy's mouth. Jimmy sputtered and the man said, "Quite. You scream you die."
The man sat at one of the dining room chairs. He was average looking, dirty brown hair, Caucasian, dressed in a polo shirt and denim jeans. The only striking thing about him was his eyes. They were icy, arctic blue. So blue they were almost inhuman. They locked on Jimmy and he suddenly felt as cold as if he'd been dropped into the bottom of the ocean.
"One question: why Shia LaBeouf?" the man asked.
Jimmy's mind went blank. He shook his head and sputtered.
"On your desk? At the office? Shia LaBeouf in the heart frame? What? Are you gay for Shia LaBeouf?"
"Nuh... no," Jimmy answered. "No, that's a joke."
The man sniffed and looked at Sitka's body. He shrugged.
"I don't get it," he said. "What's so funny about Shia LaBeouf in a heart frame? He's a terrible actor, you know."
"Who are you?" Jimmy asked. "What are you... doing?"
"I'm going to kill you. Soon. As soon as get this LaBeouf thing straight in my head. Why is it a joke?"
"Kill me? Did you kill...?"
"Her? Yes. 'though if you're gay for Shia, she's better off dead anyway. He's not an attractive man by anybody's standards."
"No... Why...?"
"You messed up today. The hammer? With the awl? That was a stupid mistake. So you have to die, if for no other reason than as an object lesson for anybody thinking of destroying our property."
The man tapped his chin and looked at the ceiling.
"Well," he continued, "we wouldn't be entirely incorrect to label it murder instead of destruction of property, would we? Anyway, you have to die. But first: what's with Shia LaBeouf?"
Jimmy thrashed and opened his mouth for a good scream but the man viciously slammed an elbow into his gut, knocking all Jimmy's air out in a great, weeping whoosh.
"This can go easy; it can go hard. Tell me why it's a joke? The LaBeouf photo?"
It took Jimmy a few moments to catch his breath. When he did, he said, "I was in Temple of Doom. As a kid. I was in that movie."
"Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom?" The man asked.
"Yes. At the end. When he brought all those Indian kids back to the village? I was one of those kids."
"Really?"
"Yes. I don't even really remember it now, but you can see me if you pause the right frame. My parents knew somebody who worked on the movie and they got me in that scene. I don't know why. I don't remember how. But...."
"Ah," the man stood up and paced the room. "I think I see now.... Growing up people must have teased you for being in that movie - because it was so bad."
"Yes," Jimmy agreed. Tears freely flowing from his eyes.
"Well," the man considered, "in all fairness, it isn't too bad a movie, but for the longest time it was the worse Indian Jones movie. Until that Crystal Skull abomination. Truly a bad movie by anybody's standards."
"Yes, yes...."
"So the picture of Shia LaBeouf in a heart frame is your appreciation for him... 'taking the heat' off you, as they say."
Jimmy nodded and sobbed.
"Hmm," the man considered. Then his lips curled up in a smile. "Yes. I see the humor."
The man took a razor from his pocket and used it to slice open Jimmy's neck.

I walked up to the restroom in a park. The sign looked like it was painted on with black spray paint and stencils saying Womens. As I reached the door the style, font and wording changed. The sign was now one of the slim gold signs saying Ladies.

Sunday:
Person in custody in shooting at Des Plaines mobile home park (Daily Herald)
Lake County (Ill.) sheriff's deputies save two people from drug overdose in Lake Villa; five people in total taken to hospital (FOX 32)
Palatine man arrested for DUI, driving on a sidewalk and swearing at police in Riverside (NBC 5)
State Rep. Jack Franks (D-Marengo) will not seek re-election to state post, opts to run for McHenry County chairman (NBC 5)
Zion Fire and Rescue Department pulls empty car from lake in Horizon Village Park (Chicago Sun-Times)
Volunteers clean up streets, sidewalks of Waukegan as part of Community Block Grant Program event (Chicago Tribune/Lake County News-Sun)
Rosemont buys building across from Barry Street Recreation Center; use yet to be determined (Daily Herald)
Monday:
'Time Travel'-themed Lilac Parade draws at least 16,000 visitors to Lombard (Daily Herald)
Palatine Historical Society hosts cemetery walk celebrating village's sesquicentennial (Daily Herald)
Tudor-style Arthur Swanson house — sitting in the middle of Rosemont's hotel redevelopment project — to be preserved after threat of teardown (Daily Herald)
Project that will bring Lake Michigan water to Lake County moving forward; expected completion targeted for 2018 (Daily Herald)
Hobart teen severely injured in dirt-bike accident on neighbor's property returns home (Chicago Tribune/Post-Tribune)
Waukegan police investigating two weekend armed robberies in which the suspects wore Halloween masks (Chicago Sun-Times)
Hammond man killed as result of motorcycle crash in Calumet City (Chicago Sun-Times)
East Chicago City Council votes unanimously to oust councilman who is in jail, awaiting trial for murder, federal drug offences (WBBM AM 780)
Some DuPage County homeowners seeing property taxes jump by thousands after quadrennial reassessments (ABC 7)
Former Wheaton man suspected of stabbing pregnant wife to death in Minneapolis, held on previous domestic-battery charges (ABC 7)
Man, woman from Waukegan killed on Kennedy Expressway on Sunday died as result of reported murdesuicide (WGN TV)
Texas-based Luminex buys Northbrook-based nanotech company Nanosphere for $58 million (Crain's Chicago Business)
Des Plaines-area man arrested after shooting a man who tried to force his way into home to collect a debt (Daily Herald)
Palatine Township man sought for attempted house break-in in Arlington Heights faces charges of trying to force his way into Palatine bank (Daily Herald)
Rotolo Middle School students in Batavia get virtual field trip as part of Google Expeditions Roadshow (Daily Herald)
Lake County Board chairman pulls his support for Route 53 extension project; IDOT plans to pursue feasibility study (Daily Herald)
Naperville installs suicide-prevention messages at 5th Avenue Metra station; Elmhurst, Lombard, Villa Park have already installed similar signs near Metra stops (Daily Herald)
Oak Park Police Department looking for man who allegedly exposed himself to an 11-year-old jogging near Barrie Park (Chicago Tribune/Oak Leaves)
St. Charles teen dies after falling off moving vehicle at Marmion Academy in Aurora (Chicago Tribune/Aurora Beacon-News)
Suspect sought in residential burglary in Elmhurst while the homeowner was present (Chicago Sun-Times)
Two teachers at Bishop Noll High School in Hammond under investigation for 'inappropriate communication' with students (Chicago Sun-Times)
Whole Foods Market signs on for proposed Mellody Farm mall in Vernon Hills (Crain's Chicago Business)
Tuesday:
Cook County sheriff tells Oak Park-River Forest Chamber of Commerce that Illinois' prison system needs an overhaul (Chicago Tribune/Oak Leaves)
Leader of group of armed drug dealers sentenced to 40 years in prison for shooting a federal informant in Oak Park in 2014 (Chicago Sun-Times)
Consultant: North Aurora doesn't need its own community center (Daily Herald)
West Chicago mayor expects final load on thorium-contaminated dirt to be removed from Kerr-McGee property in November (Daily Herald)
West Dundee Village Board approves final plans for 149-unit senior-housing development slated for Illinois Route 31 at Willow Lane (Daily Herald)
Des Plaines alderman proposes four city-owned sites for modern-day 'victory gardens' (Daily Herald)
St. Charles Community Unit School District 303 to offer night school for students with obstacles that might not otherwise graduate (Daily Herald)
Round Lake Park police shut down body-camera program after devices allegedly continued recording when they weren't supposed to, including while officers were using restrooms (Daily Herald)
20 Lake County firefighters, paramedics receive training at Mundelein fire station in treating dogs during emergencies (Daily Herald)
Wheeling High School to have series of events recognizing award-winning band members (Daily Herald)
Developer presents modified proposal for redevelopment of former Kmart site in Lake Zurich (Daily Herald)
Top 10 Lake County (Ill.) property-tax payers are located in Highland Park, Lake Bluff, Lake Forest, including rock stars Billy Corgan, Richard Marx (Crain's Chicago Business)
West Chicago police seek motorist whose minivan struck, injured man mowing his lawn, then fled (NBC 5)
Illinois Secretary of State's Office to institute new review process this summer, will mail driver's licenses, state IDs (CBS 2/WBBM AM 780)
Cook County Sheriff's Office holds re-interment ceremony for remains removed during investigation of grave desecrations at Burr Oak Cemetery in Alsip (CBS 2)
TSA to send 58 more agents to O'Hare Airport to deal with lengthy security lines, after U.S. Senator Dick Durbin sends a request in writing (WBBM AM 780)
Defense attorneys for Gliniewicz widow seek to have conspiracy charges dismissed (NBC 5)
University of Iowa student from Naperville gives written apology for claiming he was the victim of a hate crime; FBI investigation shows he was involved in three fights, none of which were racially motivated (NBC 5)
Joliet man sentenced to life in prison for woman's stabbing death in 2014 in apartment building laundry room (FOX 32)
Will County Forest Preserve District breaks ground on DuPage River Trail extension from Knoch Knolls Parkto 95th Street in Naperville (Daily Herald)
West Dundee sends $43,833 worth of sales tax receipts to Carpentersville after audit shows two stores at Spring Hill Mall paid taxes to the wrong village (Daily Herald)
Lisle man jailed for burglarizing two unlocked vehicles in Lisle (Daily Herald)
Des Plaines Elementary School District 62 accepting applications for board position following member's resignation (Daily Herald)
Barrington Hills man killed, two former Chicago Bears players injured in single-car crash on Goose Lake Road in Barrington Hills (Daily Herald)
Woman suffers minor injuries after falling from third floor of parking deck at St. Alexius Medical Center in Hoffman Estates; police report she'd been drinking alcohol and fell while trying to sit down (Daily Herald)
Lake Zurich Fire Department given Illinois Department of Public Health's community-service award (Daily Herald)
Darien-Woodridge Fire Protection District responds to chlorine leak at water plant on Plainfield Road in Darien (Chicago Tribune)
Kendall County sheriff's deputy shoots, kills American bulldog mix after it attacked its owner's mother in Boulder Hill (Chicago Tribune/Aurora Beacon-News)
Chicago man arrested for 2013 sexual assault in Glenview after new information surfaces (Chicago Tribune/Glenview Announcements)
Illinois State Trooper finds 44 pounds of meth in vehicle after pulling over Ohio man for speeding on I-55 near Woodridge (Chicago Sun-Times)
West Chicago man sentenced to three years in prison for 2014 domestic-battery incident on I-90 on-ramp in Elgin (Chicago Sun-Times)
Wednesday:
Elgin Area Unit School District U-46 students, parents argue freedom of speech while debate continues over petition to remove board member (Chicago Tribune/Elgin Courier-News)
Before Joliet Slammers win home opener, former general manager talks about keys to winning, his move to the Chicago Cubs minor-league system (Chicago Tribune/Daily Southtown)
Evanston policeman's use of tourniquet helps save life of teen who was shot in the leg (Chicago Sun-Times)
One man dead following shooting, armed robbery at Boost Mobile store in South Holland; one suspect arrested, one at large (Chicago Sun-Times)
Fox Lake police searching home, vehicle for stolen laptop discover one pound of marijuana reported stolen from Lincolnshire; man arrested on drug charges (Chicago Sun-Times)
ComEd installing 'smart meters' in Grayslake (Daily Herald)
Opponents of Illinois Route 53 extension in Lake County cheer chairman's withdrawal of support, pitching new 'greenway' idea (Daily Herald)
Single-car crash closes Higgins Road between Arlington Heights Road and I-290 (Daily Herald)
Perma-Seal Basement Systems buys 5-acre lot from city of Naperville for $770,000, plans to move national headquarters there from Downers Grove (Daily Herald)
Planned additions at two Lincolnshire-Prairie View School District 103 campuses will mean $39.7 million budget for 2017 fiscal year (Daily Herald)
Palatine cashing in on drivers backing into parking spaces in downtown parking garage; village has reaped in almost $12,000 in fines between January 2014 and April 2016 (Daily Herald)
Families of people killed in crashes along a stretch of Archer Avenue near Willow Springs urge state to lower speed limit to 45 mph (NBC 5)
Naperville police arrest Elgin man after finding three pounds of heroin in his vehicle during narcotics investigation (Daily Herald)
Chicago Area Mountain Bikers to begin season with first Spring Bike Jam on May 29 at unfinished Andres Bike Park in Carpentersville (Daily Herald)
Buffalo Grove officials sign off on deal extension that will allow Connexion to get $450,000 in addition tax breaks, double the size of its facility, hire 80 to 100 new workers (Daily Herald)
Resemblance of freestanding mural to 1930 photo of crowd watching Indiana lynching prompts public debate in Elgin (Daily Herald)
Schaumburg woman suffering from cancer sentenced to four years in prison for her disabled adult daughter's overdose death in failed murder-suicide (Daily Herald)
Future of Barrington Hills equestrian park in dispute as previous owners argue that the property was wrongfully taken from them by now-defunct Amcore Bank (Daily Herald)
Hoffman Estates' Conant High School Marching Band to perform as part of Indy 500 Festival Parade on Memorial Day weekend (Daily Herald)
Naperville councilman suggests referenda to allow city to take over township roads and to exclude township government from within the city (Daily Herald)
Gary man identified as victim of shooting inside South Holland cell-phone store (Chicago Tribune)
Metra adds three undercover employees (for a total of six) to verify that fares are being properly collected aboard trains; these workers will also check conditions on trains, at stations and in parking lots (Chicago Sun-Times)
West Chicago man turns himself in after video captured his minivan hitting another resident (Chicago Sun-Times)
Hobart woman, man and woman from Portage arrested in months-long string of burglaries across northwest Indiana; one suspect caught after exchanging change for cash at Strack & Van Til in Hobart (Chicago Sun-Times)
Northbrook Junior High Marching Band plays special concert for member recovering from kidney surgery (NBC 5)
Environmental officials tracing source of noxious petroleum odor wafting over East Chicago, Hammond, Highland, Munster (Northwest Indiana Times)
Thursday:
Homer Junior High School symphonic band performs world premiere of 14-year-old composer's song (WBBM AM 780)
Owner of Schaumburg-based concrete-contracting company doing government-contracted roadwork accused of underpaying union workers (CBS 2)
Metra restarts study on extending rail service to Montgomery, Oswego, Plano, Sandwich, Yorkville (ABC 7)
Suburbs in the six-county Chicago metropolitan area have signed 343 tax-rebate agreements, agreeing to give businesses $495.5 million in taxpayer money back to locate or stay in their municipalities (Crain's Chicago Business)
Oswego man on parole for murder now facing jail time for allegedly threatening parole officer (Chicago Tribune/Aurora Beacon-News)
Cancer claims life of founder of Aurora-based Diamond Envelope Corp., which was founded in the basement of his Park Ridge home (Chicago Sun-Times)
Wheaton hires consultants to assess flooding threat to about 50 homes east of Briarcliffe Boulevard which were damaged by flooding event three years ago (Daily Herald)
Final suspect in Feb. 26 kidnapping, torture of Elgin woman has been arrested in Mexico, brought back to Kane County (Daily Herald)
Kane County Liquor Commission rejects liquor license for Al Capone's Hideaway and Steakhouse during hearing in Valley View; owner didn't attend and plans lawsuit to get license (Daily Herald)
Pedestrian walking on or near BNSF Line struck by empty freight train in Eola; railroad spokesperson said victim was 'up and walking' after getting hit (Chicago Tribune/Naperville Sun)
With more than 4,700 new residents since 2010, Naperville is area's fastest-growing community (Chicago Tribune/Naperville Sun)
Fire reportedly causes $20,000 damage to garage on Clay Street in Hinsdale (Chicago Tribune/The Doings)
OPINION: Frankfort residents show good way of dealing with conflict set up by house teardowns (Chicago Tribune/Daily Southtown)
Dolton man, previously arrested during heist in Oak Forest, charged with four robberies in Lansing (Chicago Sun-Times)
'Suspicious' man driving black SUV tried to get 13-year-old boy into his vehicle on NaWaTa Avenue in Mount Prospect (Chicago Sun-Times)
Round Lake Beach man arrested on child-pornagraphy charges (Chicago Sun-Times)
Arlington Heights attorney sentenced to six months in jail, two years of sex-offender probation, fined $1,199 for possessing child porn (Daily Herald)
Woodridge man sentenced to 18 years in prison for his part in 2013 armed robbery of Downers Grove Radio Shack (Daily Herald)
Dunkin Donuts franchisee has plan for new store at location of former Marathon gas station in North Aurora (Daily Herald)
Village of Mount Prospect, Prospect Heights Fire Protection District sign off on new agreement laying out when and where firefighters from each community respond to emergencies in the other (Daily Herald)
Students at Vernon Hills middle school get live look at Civil War action from re-enactors (Daily Herald)
One injury reported after gas-related explosion rips open apartment building near Des Plaines in Maine Township (Daily Herald)
Hoffman Estates mayor: Empty furniture warehouse on Golf Road may become temporary holding facility for Obama Presidential Library archives (Daily Herald)
Meeting to address potential improvements on 11 miles of Illinois Routes 83/137 through Grayslake, Lake Villa, Libertyville and Round Lake Beach slated for Tuesday, May 24 at Round Lake Beach Cultural & Civic Center (Daily Herald)
Securities and Exchange Commission: Harvey mayor improperly diverted at least $1.7 million of bond funds to general operations accounts; mayor to pay $10,000 fine (FOX 32)
Friday:
Two Naperville natives reach Final 5 in TBS competition series 'America's Greatest Makers' with device that tracks football players' hits from inside their helmets (Daily Herald)
Elderly driver mistakes accelerator for brake pedal, crashes into Buffalo Grove CVS at corner of Buffalo Grove and Dundee roads (Daily Herald)
Christkindlmarket Chicago moving suburban outpost to Naper Settlement this year (Daily Herald)
Lake Zurich Planning and Zoning Board approves request to allow live entertainment to continue at Copper Fiddle Distillery; village board expected to vote on permit June 6 (Daily Herald)
Des Plaines, Rosemont renew call for Jane Addams Expressway exit at Lee Street (Daily Herald)
Drunk driver hits Illinois State Police squad car, forcing it into another during traffic stop in Bolingbrook; two Troopers injured (Chicago Tribune)
Man found shot in the head near alley in 2100 block of West 5th Avenue in Gary (Chicago Sun-Times)
CBS 2 investigation shows extensive bacterial contamination in Dyson hand dryers in 12 public bathrooms sampled from the Chicago area (CBS 2)
Man found dead in attic following house fire near 18th Street and Scoville Avenue in Berwyn (ABC 7)
LeShock Value: A history of Geneva, Illinois (WGN TV)
Northern Illinois University revokes honorary law degree conferred onto former U.S. House Speaker Dennis Hastert (FOX 32)
Aurora art teacher who claimed to have created POW/MIA flag design apologizes (WGN TV)
McHenry West High School refuses to allow Marine to complete graduation ceremony because she wore military dress uniform instead of cap-and-gown (ABC 7)
Automatic voter registration bill passes Illinois Senate; sent to Illinois House for debate (NBC 5)
Glendale Heights man arrested for robbing two Glendale Heights banks on Thursday (Chicago Sun-Times)
Carpentersville man who worked at Johnsburg High School admits to sexual abuse of minors, sentenced to seven years in jail (Chicago Tribune)
Crash at Roosevelt and Town roads in West Chicago injures eight people (Daily Herald)
Lake Zurich middle schoolers paint stencils near storm drains to raise awareness that the water goes into local waterways (Daily Herald)
Students from Mundelein's Fremont Middle School help remove invasive plant species at Ray Lake Forest Preserve as part of community-service project (Daily Herald)
Naperville Unit School District 203 board vice president resigns, as dispute over board president's leadership festers (Daily Herald)
Schaumburg Elementary School District 54 board member — a teacher by profession — leaving board in June for personal reasons (Daily Herald)
Groundbreaking for St. Theresa Parish in Palatine scheduled for Sunday, May 22 (Daily Herald)
Tony's Fresh Market opens doors at former Ultra Foods site on Rand Road in Prospect Heights (Daily Herald)
Community Unit School District 300 sets deadline for Pingree Grove charter school to comply with state, federal requirements for disabled, special-education and ESL students (Daily Herald)
Saturday:
19-year-old Elk Grove Village man sentenced to 6 months in jail, two years of probation, registration as sex offender for sexual abuse of teen girl (Daily Herald)
President of Algonquin Area Public Library District board, associate professor at Judson University and recent 'Jeopardy!' contestant succumbs to cancer (Daily Herald)
Schaumburg woman pleads guilty to reduced charges in heroin-induced death in St. Charles (Daily Herald)
Habitat for Humanity of Northern Fox Valley reaches 100th house built (Daily Herald)
Teen struck by vehicle at Rand Road and Pheasant Ridge in Lake Zurich (Daily Herald)
Principal of Winston Campus Junior High in Palatine urges people to donate to Palatine Assisting Through Hope after student suffers fatal seizure (Daily Herald)
Parent of third-grader accuses Country Club Hills School District 160 of covering up bullying of her son by library clerk (Chicago Tribune/Daily Southtown)
Park Ridge officials force removal of anti-Hillary Clinton bumper sticker seen on public works vehicle after picture of it is posted on Facebook (Chicago Tribune/Park Ridge Herald-Advocate)
Biker gang's participation in charity event at Burns Harbor bar prompts Porter County Sheriff's Office to initiate six-hour 'saturation' patrol (Chicago Tribune/Post-Tribune)
Brookfield Zoo euthanizes 54-year-old Bornean orangutan, purportedly the second oldest in the world, because of ongoing health problems, including arthritis and heart disease (Chicago Sun-Times)
Printing company that has received $5.6 million in payments from Town of Cicero gave campaign contributions to Town President Larry Dominick, Berwyn Mayor Robert Lovero (who is listed as the company's agent) (Chicago Sun-Times)
Person infected with measles reportedly stayed in Chicago and DeKalb, attended graduation ceremony at Northern Illinois University, ate at Chinese fast-food joint (NBC 5)

We’re not actually done, but we’ve been planning since May of 2014 so we’re pretty dang set. In my planning I found these recap/budget overview posts to be very helpful, so here goes!
Any feedback you guys have on things we're missing is very welcome :)
Summary:

• 241 invited, 175 expected.
• Fairly casual vibe - on my parents’ property.
• Colors are purple, gray/silver, and champagne/tan.
• Budget: $15,000 (now $17 since we added a honeymoon)

First, a few of the visuals I’ve put together…
Here is the timeline I put together using Visio. Our ceremony starts at 5.
Here is a visual that pulls together all our colors - these are shots of the actual stuff we’ve made and/or bought.
And here are the bird’s eye views of the layouts for during the ceremony, during dinner, and after dinneduring dancing.
Here’s how our budget breaks down:
Note: We have had some help, and I made sure to make notes because a few budget-able items are not on these lists.
Ceremony:

• Decor: $92
• Permarital Counseling: $50
• Officiant: $327
• Minnesota Marriage License: $115
• His wedding band: $20
• Her wedding band: $495
• Her engagement ring: $795
• Total: $1,894

The DIY decor here includes cute little clipboards for the kids with fun activities, paper for the programs (printed at home), and the materials for the wine box and directional signs. We'll be standing in front of a wooded area, so the scenery will serve as our decor. We aren’t having any flowers, I’m pretty allergic and they’re just generally not my favorite thing anyway.
Reception:

• Rentals: $4,195
• Food Truck Rental: $1,450
• Appetizers: $150
• Cake: $325
• Centerpieces: $165
• Lights: $200
• 2 hours of clean up: $86
• DJ: $890
• Photography: $2,400
• Total: $9,861

Our centerpieces are thrifted candle holders dipped in purple and silver glitter, with heart confetti cut out of an old thrifted book. Picture. While we don’t have a venue fee, the rental budget more than covers the quotes for other venues we looked at. It includes the 80x40 tent, tables, chairs, linens, and dance floor. We’re very lucky in that FH’s mom has agreed to cover all the alcohol.
Clothes/Gifts:

• Her dress: $230
• Alterations: $150
• Shapewear: $50
• Her shoes: $124
• Her hair piece: $26
• Beaded belt: $40
• Bridal robe: $66
• Bridal undies: $22
• His shirt/vest/tie: $82
• His pants: $120
• Flower girl dresses: $118
• Flower girl basket supplies: $36
• Flower girl accessories: $75
• Bridesmaid dress + swatch: $61
• Bridesmaid’s accessories: $150
• Groomsmen’s shirts/vests/ties: $272
• Ties for dads/necklaces for moms: $100
• Total: $1,722

Paper Goods:

• Wedding website domain: $90
• Invitation supplies: $102
• Return address stamp: $36
• Postage: $100
• Total: $328

Our save-the-dates and RSVPs are electronic, and we made our simple invitations ourselves. Going electronic saved us a ton on paper and postage.
Pampering:

• Mani/Pedi: $50
• HaiMakeup: $235
• Massage: $80
• Hair - engagement photos: $28
• Total: $393

Misc:

• Wedding night accomodations: $396
• Dress rental - bachelorette party: $40
• Dress rental - bridal shower: $40
• Total: $476

Thankfully, FH’s dad is footing the bill for the rehersal dinner.
Honeymoon:
All inclusive Junior Suite at the Hyatt Zilara, including airfare: $2,400
GRAND TOTAL: $17,074
Here is a breakdown of the DIY stuff that I did:
Centerpieces:

• French book, Half Price Books, $4
• Heart hole punch, Michael's, $10
• Candle holders (110), Savers/Goodwill/Value Thrift, $116
• Tea light candles (200), Ikea, $7
• Modge Podge glue, Michael's, $10
• Purple and silver glitter, Michael's, $14
• Lighters for candles (also glitter dipped!), Hobby Lobby, $4
• Total: 165

Flower Girl's baskets and bracelets

• Baskets, Hobby Lobby, $10
• Ribbon/Lace/Flowers, Hobby Lobby, $8
• Fake pedals for throwing, Hobby Lobby, $6
• Beads/clasps for bracelets, Michael's, $12
• Total: $36

I had a glue gun for attaching the decorations to the flower baskets at home.
Invitations:

• Test paper, Michael's, $13
• Ruler + More test paper, $10
• Purple envelopes (132), Hobby Lobby, $19
• Baker's twine, Michael's, $2
• Purple paper, Amazon, $29
• Small kraft envelopes (30), Hobby Lobby, $20
• Kraft paper packs, Hobby Lobby, $9
• Total: $102

We had a paper cutter, which helped the invitation making process super smooth.
Ceremony Decor:

• Wood for the wine box, Menard's, $24
• Felt to line wine box, Hobby Lobby, $2
• Transfer paper for signs/wine box wording, Michael's, $14
• Plywood for signs, Home Depot, $16
• Paint for signs, Michael's, $6
• Clip boards, Amazon, $17
• Ribbon to hang clip boards, Michael's, $5
• Spray paint, Michael's, $8
• Total: $92

I only have a picture of the wine box, but the signs are stained the same color and will have ivory text stenciled on. The clipboards aren't done yet, either.
Signs will include:

• "Reserved" for chairs, 8 on each side
• "Last Name Wedding" with arrow, 1 right, 2 left
• 2x Parking
• 2x Restroom
• Garbage
• Recycling
• Menu
• Drink List

Let me know if you have any questions!

Dictated by Agent Ian Harvey
Entered by C.I.A. Operative Olivia Platser
I've spent thousands of hours sitting at this damned desk. The sun rises well after I'm here, and sets well before I leave. Nothing says "dedicated" like sitting on my ass, playing with my laptop, watching porn and playing games...At least I'm getting payed for it.
I've worked this particular "safe house" for seven months now. Located in Australia, this particular "house" is a single story, well secluded little shack about three-hundred miles from the nearest town or city; she looks run down from the outside, but the well air-conditioned, four-inch-thick steel walls and high-tech software we use says otherwise once you cross a threshold. Australia summers get brutal around mid-December, the temperatures run as high as 110 F. I sweat bullets when doing my rounds on the outside and hate the hell out of my post, but again, I cant bitch too much, the American Government is paying me to dick around and hit on beautiful women on my days off...
I always make sure the fridge is stocked, our medical supplies are well kept, maintained, and fresh. I keep the ammunitions records and firearms well hidden. I've checked the interview rooms, the holding cells and plumbing more times than I would like to admit. This place may as well be a five-star hotel...except for the part where it's a secure prison...Protocol dictates that a housekeeper is never to have an outside guest without proper clearance first, and I aimed to keep it that way. Despite my loneliness and temptations, I ignored the thoughts of brining in a girl for a quick round of show and tell, or the stupid thoughts of Omegle and Chatroulette...instead munching on Pringles and watching some foreign TV shows on Netflix.
It was early January when I got the call...I was stunned that the phone had still worked, let alone the fact that anyone would call...It was indeed the American Government contacting me, informing me we would have a Level 5 "house guest" coming. This meant that I would need to keep the mercs accompanying him fed, well entertained and bedded nicely for the few days he/she would be here. I was NOT told of the potential hazards that would accompany this individual...
Approximately seventeen hours after the call, a convoy of trucks pulled up to my house, a couple of men approached the door, spoke the password, and entered the house. They checked every room, every cupboard, every nook and cranny, and gave an OK signal to the remaining crew who then brought a struggling girl with a bag on her head into the house and forced her into the interrogation room, locking it behind her and entering the kitchen for some refreshments.
"Helluva ride, don't you think Cap?" A tall guy with the name MARTINEZ stenciled onto his jacket spoke up.
"Bloody pain in that arse that one! Cant believe they drug us all the way here just to put her up for a couple-a nights...Hope they told the house keeper..." The captain was in a less than happy mood, this man was British, probably former UK Special Forces... "Bloody bitch took some of my best men..."
"Hey gentlemen!" I spoke up. "First off, fridge is stocked, have at...secondly, is there anything I should know about the 'guest'?"
"Bloody hell mate, thanks for the refreshments...but your in over your head my friend....my recommendation is to get the fuck out of here while you can...before she starts her mumbo jumbo shit again!"
"Mumbo Jumbo?" I asked...
"You'll see if you're brave enough" Martinez smirked.
The night came fast and the mercs bedded down for the night. The problem with being a "keeper" is that I, and ONLY I am responsible for baby sitting the "guest" who would be locked in the interrogation room all night. I had been fascinated by the idea of having a "guest" for the first time in ever, and decided that this would be a fun endeavor.
I sat in the large swindle chair in front of the two-way mirror and sipped on a steaming hot coffee. She was a pretty dull individual with the bag on her head, she sat, shackled to the chair, attempting to look around through the burlap sack, but to no avail. I looked through the glass and found a spot just over her shoulder that was quite fascinating...I stared for quite a while, focusing on that spot...it was about as entertaining as watching paint dry. After several hours, i began to get drowsy when her voice came through the 2-way speakers.
"Hey, you...I know you're listening to this...this is a huge understanding...I'm innocent, they say I'm a mass murderer...honestly, I may look like some chick that did this, but it's not me!" Her voice was young, full of life and sexy. She had a slight accent, perhaps it was native to Ireland...or was it Scotland? It was so long since I had been out of this hell hole that I had almost completely forgotten...
I depressed the button and said groggily, "Sorry hun, but the mercs are in charge...I'm just the keeper..."
"Well, you sound like a bright young man...what's your name?"
"Ian...they call me Ian."
"Well, they call me Ava Dubrons. They say I have...talents...that make me relatively deadly, but I say posh...Perhaps you could help a lady a bit...I understand you can't undo the shackles, but maybe you'd be so kind as to remove the bag?"
I couldn't say no...With a voice like that, I might as well have been talking to an angel. I was enticed by the sound of her smooth voice, attracted by such a sweet tone...I tried to reason it out in my head...was there a reason for the bag? Probably not, they just wanted her blind for when they moved her and had forgotten the sack....What the hell? I rose and walked into the integration chamber, closing the door behind me before unlocking the interrogation chamber and walking in.
It was significantly colder in this room, poor girl was probably freezing...but rules were rules, I was only here to take the bag off and let her be. I walked forward slowly, hand on my gun, and reached for the sack, tugging on it gently...It came free and dropped to the floor with a slight noise.
She shook her hair free, allowing it to flow nicely around her stunningly beautiful face. She was dark skinned, beautiful, with big brown eyes, flowing hair and a brilliantly white smile. Her low cut tank top revealed nice cleavage, a nice change for a man who had seen only fake breasts in a lot of bad-acted porn. She was gorgeous...
She giggled slightly as I stood there, obviously stunned by the surprise behind the mask...I had expected a monster, and received an angel instead. I slowly turned and forced myself to walk to the integration room without a word. Her voice clung to me, enticing me back....
"I bet a strong young man like you would DIE for a woman's touch right about now...How long have you been here? Three? Four months? "
"Actually seven...but that's beside the point...I'm an agent...i cant..."
"Seven?! Oh you poor baby...you shouldn't be so long without some form of a girl..." She looked at me with those big brown eyes and I was putty in her hands...I moved towards her slowly, "That's it big boy...just look into my eyes...."
My head was throbbing...I couldn't see a thing...blackness all around me, I was laying in a pool of cool liquid, my gun was missing and I was so disoriented...what the fuck had happened?
The light above my head flickered slightly, sparking from the remnants of the bulb...I lay for a moment, trying to gather my bearings when I realized I was in the storage room off the main hall. How did I get there? All I remember was removing the sack....I pushed myself up and reached for a flashlight. It clicked on and lit up the room, a stained handprint was on the metal door, it looked like blood...
I reached forward and forced the door open, prodding it gently...I had to find out what happened and I definitely needed a gun...The lights in the hallway flickered and sparked, electricity hissed from all sides as I stepped into the hall. My boots splashed into a puddle of water, my light played across shattered glass and a large amount of water coming from around the corner, probably the bathroom...I slowly stepped forward, keeping my light in front of me, ready to attack anything that moved...fear creeped in on me...what the hell had happened?!
I heard shuffling behind me and turned quickly, shining my light as something blurred past the hallway's end. I was definitely not going that way...not unarmed...and I was now aware I was not alone...What if the girl had gotten out? Ohh I was in shit...deep shit...I slowly made my way down the hall and found bullet holes in the concrete walls...the main entryway was still shut and locked, the console was locked with my keycard and biological scan which would be inactive if I were not conscious...This was good and bad...whatever had happened, the prisoner was still here...but on the flip side, I was inside of a completely dark facility with no weapon and no memory of the last minutes, hours or potentially longer....I turned the first corner and saw a slight red stain to the water. It was definitely coming from the restroom...
I stepped inside, allowing the light to dance off the water onto the walls and ceiling. The blood thickened in the water as I splashed my way in, there was a loud rush of water coming from the bursted pipes of the sink and one of the stalls was busted open, a lifeless mercenary was laying across the toilet, water flowing from the drain to the floors, his face was gashed open from blunt force trauma...he was clearly hit pretty hard by something...His handgun was still in his holster and I reached for it...
As my fingers traced the butt of the gun, his body twitched and I jumped. He slumped to the floor beside the toilet and rested there...I unsnapped his gun and removed it from the holster, checking the ammunition count and forcing the safety off before turning to exit the bathroom.
A splash behind me scared the shit out of me, but then I realized it was probably just the body again falling more...but wait, the body was already on the floor...I turned slowly and looked in horror at the body of the merc as he stood erect in front of me, his mashed in face caused him to wheeze as he breathed slowly in and out...he spat out a tooth or two as he stood there, his eyes were red and bloodied, he was definitely blind on one side.
He slowly started moving forward, toward me, limping heavily on a massively broken knee. I raised the weapon and demanded he stop, but he kept coming. I again issued him a warning, but he didn't stop. His hand had such a strong grip despite his horribly weak condition. I felt his fingers close around my outstretched arm as he swung a right hook for connection...It barely missed, striking the wall beside me instead....before he had another chance, I stepped in quickly, breaking his grip and off loaded two rounds into his head. He stumbled backwards and fell in the water.
I slowly lowered the gun when I heard more splashing behind me...I turned quickly to face my next attacker, but only met a dark, vacant hall...My immediate instinct took over and I turned to face the body of my fallen foe, and saw only a bloody pool of water..he was gone....
I checked every stall, hoping to at least find a corpse, but nothing...it was as if he was never there...I was now officially freaked out...the light above me flickered slowly and dimmed heavily...I made out a phrase scratched into the tiled walls...."Ian, let's have some fun!"
I was terrified, standing still for what felt like an hour, the world moved around me as I forced myself to intake air and exhale...What the fuck was going on?!
I finally gathered my wits and urged my legs to take me out the door and into the hall...The water splashed playfully against my legs, lapping me with a gentle hello as they did...I was bound for the surveillance room...I had to see the tapes of the previous events....
THE FOLLOWING DOCUMENTATION IS A WRITTEN VERSION OF WHAT WAS FOUND ON THE SECURITY TAPES:
CAM 1 [01:33:02AM]- Agent Ian Harvey breaks protocol and enters the interrogation room. A figure is seen sitting in the chair, small and frail, handcuffed and her face hidden behind a burlap sack. Ian approaches her and begins to speak, the audio however, does not work on this camera and it is unclear exactly what he says. She responds to him and they hold a small conversation before he reaches forward to remove the sack.
It falls to the floor and he slowly steps away...her face is gaunt, pale and horrifying. She is missing multiple teeth, her eyes are grey, wide with fear and bloodshot. She has a wicked smile on her face, her wiry hair is white with age and her torn clothing reveals pale skin underneath, her nose is crooked and her tongue appears red with some form of blood...probably her own from chewing on it.
Ian seems transfixed by her, as though held by some form of power...he slowly approaches her and reaches in his pocket, pulling a key out. He unlocks the shackles and allows her to stand. Her long fingers wrap around his throat and brush through is hair, she looks at him for a long while, speaking slowly...and he turns as though under some sort of a trance and exits the room, quickly followed by her...she pauses for just a moment, smirks at the camera and lunges forward...the item now reads "SIGNAL UNAVAILABLE".
CAM 2 [01:39:01AM]- Ian exits the room and is confronted by one of the mercenaries who proceeds to protest the dangers of what he just did. Words like "Are you psychotic?!" and "What the fuck is wrong with you?" are used. Ian reaches for his gun, pulls it, places it against the mercenary's temple and fires a single shot into his head. Blood spatters the room as he makes his way off camera...the door to interrogation opens again, the woman exits, smirking at this camera and again, a "SIGNAL UNAVAILABLE" sign appears on screen....
CAM 3 [01:42:28AM]- The barracks are in a stir, the men heard a shot and are now scrambling for their weapons. The door is seen opening at the end of the hall, they point what weapons they have at the opening when a gas grenade rolls in. It deploys toxic gas and the men run out into the hall to avoid intaking it. Some are shot off screen, their moans are heard loudly, others somehow manage to escape the confusion and make their way down hallways, firing as they run.
CAM 4 [01:52:33AM]- Martinez runs into the restroom, a bullet hole in his knees. He turns the sink on in an attempt to get water. He has barricaded the door with a trashcan and is now drinking plenty of water. He stands for a moment, breathing loudly...he suddenly makes a move for the first toilet and vomits loudly. A blur to the screen appears followed by an audio distortion. A loud bang is heard and the faded image shows a trashcan fly across the room...For the next six minutes the audio fails and the visual fails...immediately before it returns, the pale, angered face of the woman is seen with blood spattered on her clothing and on her face. Her remaining teeth are soaked in fresh blood and her eyes are now rolled up in her head, the pupils missing. Her image fades revealing Martinez's legs sprawled on the floor coming from the first stall...a trickle of blood enters the water on the floor....
CAM 6 [02:11:09AM]- The Captain is holding Ian at gunpoint and is yelling down the hall to someone not captured by camera. He issues an order that is difficult to decipher and urges Ian forward slightly, walking him down the main hallway toward whomever he is speaking to. As he reaches the mid-way point, the person offscreen does something to provoke Captain to fire shots at them. In order to protect Ian, who is still seemingly under a trance, Captain clubs him over the back of the head and tosses his body into the storage closet before sealing it and shooting the electric lock.
He looks up bravely and smirks slightly before looking horrified. A pair of long white hands close in around his throat, slicing it open and pulling him to the ground. He rolls on his stomach, trying to find traction with his fingers when his body is dragged off camera, his scream echoes loudly....
CAM 7 [02:13:45AM]- The Captain's scream is heard in the distance as the remnants of the Mercenary squad huddle together in the surveillance office...They have machine guns raised and are looking quite alert. A noise off camera catches their attention and two of them fan out forward to investigate...the first is immediately grabbed and dragged around the corner where his ungodly screams are heard as the second fires almost an entire clip into the darkness. The blood of the first spatters his face and he slowly retreats....turning his back as he does...He makes it mid room before the hands appear on his shoulders, the cold, white face of the woman slowly peaks over his shoulders and his partners react quicker than they should, firing blindly at him, killing him instantly.
The last two men are in a perfect defensive space, a corner....
The camera moves upwards slightly and focuses on the corner above the men...a figure of a white woman is seen sliding out of the vents contorted in an inhuman formation. She is crab-walking on the walls behind the men and slowly drops to the floor...slightly before her hands touch the men the camera fazes out and begins the "SIGNAL UNAVAILABLE" screen....their screams are recorded by the remaining cameras...
I sat there horrified at what I had just witnessed when I heard a splash behind me...I knew it was her before I turned...
The beautiful, youthful face of the girl met me and I smiled...but slowly realized the twisted reality..."I know the real you..." I said.
Her face slumped with disappointment and she looked sad, "I wish it hadn't come to this Ian...you are one of the few with a pure heart...I am only going to ask once, open the door to the outside...and I will let you live...refuse, and I will show my true colors..."
I looked at her in terror...what choice would I have? If I let her out, she would surely kill everyone...I asked her for a moment alone to mule it over...I only have one option...
Agents, when you recover this recorder, I want you to know I didn't mean to do it, she tricked me. She is capable of so much more than you think, please take caution...bomb this place, something, just make sure she does not get away...this bitch MUST not escape...
click God forgive me...a gunshot rings out - - -
"YOU FOOL!" The girl's voice is heard off in the distance...she shrieks with anger and approaches...
--END OF RECORDING--
Agent Ian Harvey was found dead with a single gunshot wound to the temple. His suicide note was found in record form, documenting his motive and the activities of the previous night.
The girl was not found when the authorities arrived to investigate radio silence the next morning. A hole was found in the wall of the kitchen leading outside, it appears an animal dug it...though it is impossible for that to have happened as the wall was four solid inches of reinforced steel backed by three inches of concrete...a bunker to say the least. At this time we cannot determine how the girl escaped, just that she did.
Her identity is still unknown, though residents of Australia, New Zealand and all surrounding nations, stretching as far as the U.S.A. have been strongly cautioned against allowing strangers into their home, even older women. Her picture is currently being distributed for facial recognition, hopefully someone can give us a hint...
This file is listed as Active and will remain such until some more information is released....No mercenary squadron was cleared to carry a prisoner though a C.I.A. Safe House between the dates of December 2011 and January 2012...though one was definitely recovered, all K.I.A.

Dictated by Agent Ian Harvey
Entered by C.I.A. Operative Olivia Platser
I've spent thousands of hours sitting at this damned desk. The sun rises well after I'm here, and sets well before I leave. Nothing says "dedicated" like sitting on my ass, playing with my laptop, watching porn and playing games...At least I'm getting paid for it.
I've worked this particular "safe house" for seven months now. Located in Australia, this particular "house" is a single story, well secluded little shack about three-hundred miles from the nearest town or city; she looks run down from the outside, but the well air-conditioned, four-inch-thick steel walls and high-tech software we use says otherwise once you cross a threshold. Australia summers get brutal around mid-December, the temperatures run as high as 110 F. I sweat bullets when doing my rounds on the outside and hate the hell out of my post, but again, I cant bitch too much, the American Government is paying me to dick around and hit on beautiful women on my days off...
I always make sure the fridge is stocked, our medical supplies are well kept, maintained, and fresh. I keep the ammunitions records and firearms well hidden. I've checked the interview rooms, the holding cells and plumbing more times than I would like to admit. This place may as well be a five-star hotel...except for the part where it's a secure prison...Protocol dictates that a housekeeper is never to have an outside guest without proper clearance first, and I aimed to keep it that way. Despite my loneliness and temptations, I ignored the thoughts of brining in a girl for a quick round of show and tell, or the stupid thoughts of Omegle and Chatroulette...instead munching on Pringles and watching some foreign TV shows on Netflix.
It was early January when I got the call...I was stunned that the phone had still worked, let alone the fact that anyone would call...It was indeed the American Government contacting me, informing me we would have a Level 5 "house guest" coming. This meant that I would need to keep the mercs accompanying him fed, well entertained and bedded nicely for the few days he/she would be here. I was NOT told of the potential hazards that would accompany this individual...
Approximately seventeen hours after the call, a convoy of trucks pulled up to my house, a couple of men approached the door, spoke the password, and entered the house. They checked every room, every cupboard, every nook and cranny, and gave an OK signal to the remaining crew who then brought a struggling girl with a bag on her head into the house and forced her into the interrogation room, locking it behind her and entering the kitchen for some refreshments.
"Helluva ride, don't you think Cap?" A tall guy with the name MARTINEZ stenciled onto his jacket spoke up.
"Bloody pain in that arse that one! Cant believe they drug us all the way here just to put her up for a couple-a nights...Hope they told the house keeper..." The captain was in a less than happy mood, this man was British, probably former UK Special Forces... "Bloody bitch took some of my best men..."
"Hey gentlemen!" I spoke up. "First off, fridge is stocked, have at...secondly, is there anything I should know about the 'guest'?"
"Bloody hell mate, thanks for the refreshments...but your in over your head my friend....my recommendation is to get the fuck out of here while you can...before she starts her mumbo jumbo shit again!"
"Mumbo Jumbo?" I asked...
"You'll see if you're brave enough" Martinez smirked.
The night came fast and the mercs bedded down for the night. The problem with being a "keeper" is that I, and ONLY I am responsible for baby sitting the "guest" who would be locked in the interrogation room all night. I had been fascinated by the idea of having a "guest" for the first time in ever, and decided that this would be a fun endeavor.
I sat in the large swindle chair in front of the two-way mirror and sipped on a steaming hot coffee. She was a pretty dull individual with the bag on her head, she sat, shackled to the chair, attempting to look around through the burlap sack, but to no avail. I looked through the glass and found a spot just over her shoulder that was quite fascinating...I stared for quite a while, focusing on that spot...it was about as entertaining as watching paint dry. After several hours, i began to get drowsy when her voice came through the 2-way speakers.
"Hey, you...I know you're listening to this...this is a huge mis-understanding...I'm innocent, they say I'm a mass murderer...honestly, I may look like some chick that did this, but it's not me!" Her voice was young, full of life and sexy. She had a slight accent, perhaps it was native to Ireland...or was it Scotland? It was so long since I had been out of this hell hole that I had almost completely forgotten...
I depressed the button and said groggily, "Sorry hun, but the mercs are in charge...I'm just the keeper..."
"Well, you sound like a bright young man...what's your name?"
"Ian...they call me Ian."
"Well, they call me Ava Dubrons. They say I have...talents...that make me relatively deadly, but I say posh...Perhaps you could help a lady a bit...I understand you can't undo the shackles, but maybe you'd be so kind as to remove the bag?"
I couldn't say no...With a voice like that, I might as well have been talking to an angel. I was enticed by the sound of her smooth voice, attracted by such a sweet tone...I tried to reason it out in my head...was there a reason for the bag? Probably not, they just wanted her blind for when they moved her and had forgotten the sack....What the hell? I rose and walked into the integration chamber, closing the door behind me before unlocking the interrogation chamber and walking in.
It was significantly colder in this room, poor girl was probably freezing...but rules were rules, I was only here to take the bag off and let her be. I walked forward slowly, hand on my gun, and reached for the sack, tugging on it gently...It came free and dropped to the floor with a slight noise.
She shook her hair free, allowing it to flow nicely around her stunningly beautiful face. She was dark skinned, beautiful, with big brown eyes, flowing hair and a brilliantly white smile. Her low cut tank top revealed nice cleavage, a nice change for a man who had seen only fake breasts in a lot of bad-acted porn. She was gorgeous...
She giggled slightly as I stood there, obviously stunned by the surprise behind the mask...I had expected a monster, and received an angel instead. I slowly turned and forced myself to walk to the integration room without a word. Her voice clung to me, enticing me back....
"I bet a strong young man like you would DIE for a woman's touch right about now...How long have you been here? Three? Four months? "
"Actually seven...but that's beside the point...I'm an agent...i cant..."
"Seven?! Oh you poor baby...you shouldn't be so long without some form of a girl..." She looked at me with those big brown eyes and I was putty in her hands...I moved towards her slowly, "That's it big boy...just look into my eyes...."
My head was throbbing...I couldn't see a thing...blackness all around me, I was laying in a pool of cool liquid, my gun was missing and I was so disoriented...what the fuck had happened?
The light above my head flickered slightly, sparking from the remnants of the bulb...I lay for a moment, trying to gather my bearings when I realized I was in the storage room off the main hall. How did I get there? All I remember was removing the sack....I pushed myself up and reached for a flashlight. It clicked on and lit up the room, a stained handprint was on the metal door, it looked like blood...
I reached forward and forced the door open, prodding it gently...I had to find out what happened and I definitely needed a gun...The lights in the hallway flickered and sparked, electricity hissed from all sides as I stepped into the hall. My boots splashed into a puddle of water, my light played across shattered glass and a large amount of water coming from around the corner, probably the bathroom...I slowly stepped forward, keeping my light in front of me, ready to attack anything that moved...fear creeped in on me...what the hell had happened?!
I heard shuffling behind me and turned quickly, shining my light as something blurred past the hallway's end. I was definitely not going that way...not unarmed...and I was now aware I was not alone...What if the girl had gotten out? Ohh I was in shit...deep shit...I slowly made my way down the hall and found bullet holes in the concrete walls...the main entryway was still shut and locked, the console was locked with my keycard and biological scan which would be inactive if I were not conscious...This was good and bad...whatever had happened, the prisoner was still here...but on the flip side, I was inside of a completely dark facility with no weapon and no memory of the last minutes, hours or potentially longer....I turned the first corner and saw a slight red stain to the water. It was definitely coming from the restroom...
I stepped inside, allowing the light to dance off the water onto the walls and ceiling. The blood thickened in the water as I splashed my way in, there was a loud rush of water coming from the bursted pipes of the sink and one of the stalls was busted open, a lifeless mercenary was laying across the toilet, water flowing from the drain to the floors, his face was gashed open from blunt force trauma...he was clearly hit pretty hard by something...His handgun was still in his holster and I reached for it...
As my fingers traced the butt of the gun, his body twitched and I jumped. He slumped to the floor beside the toilet and rested there...I unsnapped his gun and removed it from the holster, checking the ammunition count and forcing the safety off before turning to exit the bathroom.
A splash behind me scared the shit out of me, but then I realized it was probably just the body again falling more...but wait, the body was already on the floor...I turned slowly and looked in horror at the body of the merc as he stood erect in front of me, his mashed in face caused him to wheeze as he breathed slowly in and out...he spat out a tooth or two as he stood there, his eyes were red and bloodied, he was definitely blind on one side.
He slowly started moving forward, toward me, limping heavily on a massively broken knee. I raised the weapon and demanded he stop, but he kept coming. I again issued him a warning, but he didn't stop. His hand had such a strong grip despite his horribly weak condition. I felt his fingers close around my outstretched arm as he swung a right hook for connection...It barely missed, striking the wall beside me instead....before he had another chance, I stepped in quickly, breaking his grip and off loaded two rounds into his head. He stumbled backwards and fell in the water.
I slowly lowered the gun when I heard more splashing behind me...I turned quickly to face my next attacker, but only met a dark, vacant hall...My immediate instinct took over and I turned to face the body of my fallen foe, and saw only a bloody pool of water..he was gone....
I checked every stall, hoping to at least find a corpse, but nothing...it was as if he was never there...I was now officially freaked out...the light above me flickered slowly and dimmed heavily...I made out a phrase scratched into the tiled walls...."Ian, let's have some fun!"
I was terrified, standing still for what felt like an hour, the world moved around me as I forced myself to intake air and exhale...What the fuck was going on?!
I finally gathered my wits and urged my legs to take me out the door and into the hall...The water splashed playfully against my legs, lapping me with a gentle hello as they did...I was bound for the surveillance room...I had to see the tapes of the previous events....
THE FOLLOWING DOCUMENTATION IS A WRITTEN VERSION OF WHAT WAS FOUND ON THE SECURITY TAPES:
CAM 1 [01:33:02AM]- Agent Ian Harvey breaks protocol and enters the interrogation room. A figure is seen sitting in the chair, small and frail, handcuffed and her face hidden behind a burlap sack. Ian approaches her and begins to speak, the audio however, does not work on this camera and it is unclear exactly what he says. She responds to him and they hold a small conversation before he reaches forward to remove the sack.
It falls to the floor and he slowly steps away...her face is gaunt, pale and horrifying. She is missing multiple teeth, her eyes are grey, wide with fear and bloodshot. She has a wicked smile on her face, her wiry hair is white with age and her torn clothing reveals pale skin underneath, her nose is crooked and her tongue appears red with some form of blood...probably her own from chewing on it.
Ian seems transfixed by her, as though held by some form of power...he slowly approaches her and reaches in his pocket, pulling a key out. He unlocks the shackles and allows her to stand. Her long fingers wrap around his throat and brush through is hair, she looks at him for a long while, speaking slowly...and he turns as though under some sort of a trance and exits the room, quickly followed by her...she pauses for just a moment, smirks at the camera and lunges forward...the item now reads "SIGNAL UNAVAILABLE".
CAM 2 [01:39:01AM]- Ian exits the room and is confronted by one of the mercenaries who proceeds to protest the dangers of what he just did. Words like "Are you psychotic?!" and "What the fuck is wrong with you?" are used. Ian reaches for his gun, pulls it, places it against the mercenary's temple and fires a single shot into his head. Blood spatters the room as he makes his way off camera...the door to interrogation opens again, the woman exits, smirking at this camera and again, a "SIGNAL UNAVAILABLE" sign appears on screen....
CAM 3 [01:42:28AM]- The barracks are in a stir, the men heard a shot and are now scrambling for their weapons. The door is seen opening at the end of the hall, they point what weapons they have at the opening when a gas grenade rolls in. It deploys toxic gas and the men run out into the hall to avoid intaking it. Some are shot off screen, their moans are heard loudly, others somehow manage to escape the confusion and make their way down hallways, firing as they run.
CAM 4 [01:52:33AM]- Martinez runs into the restroom, a bullet hole in his knees. He turns the sink on in an attempt to get water. He has barricaded the door with a trashcan and is now drinking plenty of water. He stands for a moment, breathing loudly...he suddenly makes a move for the first toilet and vomits loudly. A blur to the screen appears followed by an audio distortion. A loud bang is heard and the faded image shows a trashcan fly across the room...For the next six minutes the audio fails and the visual fails...immediately before it returns, the pale, angered face of the woman is seen with blood spattered on her clothing and on her face. Her remaining teeth are soaked in fresh blood and her eyes are now rolled up in her head, the pupils missing. Her image fades revealing Martinez's legs sprawled on the floor coming from the first stall...a trickle of blood enters the water on the floor....
CAM 6 [02:11:09AM]- The Captain is holding Ian at gunpoint and is yelling down the hall to someone not captured by camera. He issues an order that is difficult to decipher and urges Ian forward slightly, walking him down the main hallway toward whomever he is speaking to. As he reaches the mid-way point, the person offscreen does something to provoke Captain to fire shots at them. In order to protect Ian, who is still seemingly under a trance, Captain clubs him over the back of the head and tosses his body into the storage closet before sealing it and shooting the electric lock.
He looks up bravely and smirks slightly before looking horrified. A pair of long white hands close in around his throat, slicing it open and pulling him to the ground. He rolls on his stomach, trying to find traction with his fingers when his body is dragged off camera, his scream echoes loudly....
CAM 7 [02:13:45AM]- The Captain's scream is heard in the distance as the remnants of the Mercenary squad huddle together in the surveillance office...They have machine guns raised and are looking quite alert. A noise off camera catches their attention and two of them fan out forward to investigate...the first is immediately grabbed and dragged around the corner where his ungodly screams are heard as the second fires almost an entire clip into the darkness. The blood of the first spatters his face and he slowly retreats....turning his back as he does...He makes it mid room before the hands appear on his shoulders, the cold, white face of the woman slowly peaks over his shoulders and his partners react quicker than they should, firing blindly at him, killing him instantly.
The last two men are in a perfect defensive space, a corner....
The camera moves upwards slightly and focuses on the corner above the men...a figure of a white woman is seen sliding out of the vents contorted in an inhuman formation. She is crab-walking on the walls behind the men and slowly drops to the floor...slightly before her hands touch the men the camera fazes out and begins the "SIGNAL UNAVAILABLE" screen....their screams are recorded by the remaining cameras...
I sat there horrified at what I had just witnessed when I heard a splash behind me...I knew it was her before I turned...
The beautiful, youthful face of the girl met me and I smiled...but slowly realized the twisted reality..."I know the real you..." I said.
Her face slumped with disappointment and she looked sad, "I wish it hadn't come to this Ian...you are one of the few with a pure heart...I am only going to ask once, open the door to the outside...and I will let you live...refuse, and I will show my true colors..."
I looked at her in terror...what choice would I have? If I let her out, she would surely kill everyone...I asked her for a moment alone to mule it over...I only have one option...
Agents, when you recover this recorder, I want you to know I didn't mean to do it, she tricked me. She is capable of so much more than you think, please take caution...bomb this place, something, just make sure she does not get away...this bitch MUST not escape...
click God forgive me...a gunshot rings out - - -
"YOU FOOL!" The girl's voice is heard off in the distance...she shrieks with anger and approaches...
--END OF RECORDING--
Agent Ian Harvey was found dead with a single gunshot wound to the temple. His suicide note was found in record form, documenting his motive and the activities of the previous night.
The girl was not found when the authorities arrived to investigate radio silence the next morning. A hole was found in the wall of the kitchen leading outside, it appears an animal dug it...though it is impossible for that to have happened as the wall was four solid inches of reinforced steel backed by three inches of concrete...a bunker to say the least. At this time we cannot determine how the girl escaped, just that she did.
Her identity is still unknown, though residents of Australia, New Zealand and all surrounding nations, stretching as far as the U.S.A. have been strongly cautioned against allowing strangers into their home, even older women. Her picture is currently being distributed for facial recognition, hopefully someone can give us a hint...
This file is listed as Active and will remain such until some more information is released....No mercenary squadron was cleared to carry a prisoner though a C.I.A. Safe House between the dates of December 2011 and January 2012...though one was definitely recovered, all K.I.A.