Day 15 today, as many have said I think days 3-5 were the toughest. Still, beyond that my energy has fluctuates seemingly without a clear connection to snake juice amount, water, vitamin, exercise nothing. Some days I am just absolutely dragging ass can't even keep myself from slouching.
Yesterday I realized I've developed a pain in my right thigh, today it has begun in the left as well. It feels deep in the muscle kind of burning or sore, it's definitely a little concerning but my pee is clear and no other symptoms so I've continued. I've been exercising nearly every day with a cardio 3x and weightlifting 3x a week on alternating days. Both have absolutely suffered and some days I cannot do half of what I normally would so I just prioritize whatever I think is most important, do what I can and tell myself I'm proud of myself for just going and doing whatever I do.
From day 3-12 I really lost the hunger for the most part, interesting to me my stomach didn't even ever growl. I'd get phantom food smells and cravings every once in a while but they pass quickly. Oddly enough, ~day 13 the stomach growling came back a little bit and has occurred a few times since then maybe once a day. In the last few days I've been starting to feel hungry again it is also pretty ignoreable and not constant but what's interesting to me is that it feels more real - like my body is really telling me we need to eat something now. I find myself craving things I don't even eat, a sunny side up egg for instance. The majority of my cravings now especially when I get those hunger signals seems to be for protein. I am a carb lover tbh but though I definitely think about carbs and sweets sometimes it is the proteins I find myself really craving in body and mind.
Looking ahead I've bought bone broth, deli meat, and am planning to get kimchi, miso, and kombucha closer to the day. I plan to take it extremely slow with a 5 day refeed of listening to my body and very low carbs up to the 4th/5th day. I'm actually feeling a little bit anxious about the refeed although I definitely feel like I'm ready to start eating again and feel like I have more control and have refreshed any sugacarb addiction that was likely under my surface.
Final note on the electrolytes/vitamins: I take a prenatal multi about every 3 days just a standard multi pill. I found the recipe for snake juice here to be way too much for me, I actually felt worse after having a full serving for 2 days despite also working out. I looked up the RDA on this website https://www.nal.usda.gov/human-nutrition-and-food-safety/dri-calculator Which actually uses your weight/age etc to give you an RDA, I found this to be much closer to what I need and what makes me feel good. I still found the sodium to be a little high so cut it just a little bit but stuck to the potassium and magnesium levels recommended for me there.
Any tips for the next few days, refeed, or comments and thoughts are welcome!

So I’m (f25) living in a townhome with two other roommates, one roommate (f28) owns the townhouse and essentially has roommates for the sake of paying her mortgage, I’ve only lived here a month and a half, I didn’t get to see the size of my room before moving in bc someone else was living in it when I came tour and she didn’t want to invade her space, my room is very small, very very small. Like no way all my stuff is gonna fit in here small, I also have a dog, who is still a puppy and likes to get into stuff so my things are pretty much confined to the closet, which is also very small, so undstandably I have some boxes in the garage because I just haven’t had the time or energy to figure out where to put everything yet, because about a week before I moved in someone hit me and totaled my car, and I got laid off from my job in the same week:) and I wasn’t able to get my new car until about two weeks ago, which was extremely stressful (I went to the dmv 3 times) and took 90% of my emotional energy during that time, as soon as that was over I had the capacity to keep up with life as normal, i started my new job less than a week after the old one finished and I finally was in a place to start moving forward in life and not drowning in stress, until now, so my roommate that owns the house is nice but she nitpicks everything, which would be fine if she didn’t do the same exact things she nags me about. She said I don’t rinse this sink and she has to scrub it “every single day” which is a bullshit lie because I always rinse the sink it’s something that bothers me and I even do it at other peoples houses, maybe once or twice but every single day? Not at all. It was also like that when I moved in, and she leaves shit in there regularly. She said I leave the garage light on and she sees it every single time she goes in there…… the light is on a fucking timer when you open the garage, so unless she leaves immediately after me that is also a lie, she claimed my dog peed upstairs…. She didn’t, she literally stays in my room all day , it was either something that leaked from her space heater or from the other little dog she babysits( that she dosent take care of at all). She is so anal about the garage door opening, she text me everytime it opens asking me what’s going on, I live downstairs next to the garage, she lives on the third floor. She always says how she “deep cleans” and I did something to mess it up, vacuuming isn’t deep cleaning. Also 9.5/10 times I leave a space exactly how I found it if not cleaner, the kitchen was filthy when I moved in and I deep cleaned it and didn’t fucking complain, today I get a text that I left a dryer sheet and a new blanket I washed shed in the dryer, the dryer sheet was there yes but it didn’t shed, she told me I wasn’t being respectful and told me to move out by the end of the month…. She’s never said a single one of these things to my face, only on text then acts like the sweetest person in the world when we’re face to face, I’m so annoyed and so frustrated and Im about to go absolutely insane and just when the stress started to subside, I have to find a new place to live :)

https://reddit.com/hiking/comments/1cn4uy4/best_hiking_shirts_for_extreme_heat/l34xw28/?context=20
An insult to toe socks calls a user's reputation into question. Is cotton actually a good choice when hiking in the desert? Or is OP practicing "orientalism" by fetishizing the clothes worn by Arab cultures?
A sampling of the dispute:

Yeah that's nice bro, but you live in Ohio. I actually live in a desert and have done my whole life, and I've tried everything on the market. Pure cotton sucks if you have any kind of pack on. The best fabrics I've found are lightweight synthetic blends which are free flowing, loose fitting, and dry quickly. Some of them include cotton in the mix, others don't.

I'm sure cotton robes are great when you're walking around casually. I usually wear cotton when I'm not hiking, because it works fine outdoors in a dry heat. But then, so does any other lightweight breathable fabric, including plenty of synthetics. There's nothing magical about cotton, and when it comes to underclothes and socks in particular, it's massively outperformed by light wool weaves and most synthetics.

I live in Ohio now. Not that it has any bearing on my experience, but keep on taking those L’s. It’s hilarious watching you dance and spin because you can’t actually refute the point and have tried to resort to insults and personal attacks.

It has a lot bearing on your experience because it's obvious that your only experience has been one specific style of desert clothing in one specific environment and context, and it's not something you're at all up to date on. I think my toe sock dig hit close to home for some reason and you've worked yourself into such a self-righteous rage that you don't even understand what I'm saying. Bedouin outfits are fine. They just aren't the end-all be-all, and cotton has some pretty significant drawbacks if you're wearing anything that'll press it against your skin for long periods.

Here you go again with your assumptions to build up straw men. Not surprising. You spent more time diving into my profile looking for a gotcha than actually refuting the argument with meaningful evidence of your own. For the record, I am completely anti-toe sock. But I’m even more anti-Fuddlore of the type you’ve been pandering.

Ah, I see now. You're one of those goofy operator types who likes Keffyiahs because they remind him of his military service, but you can't just like that style of clothing for aesthetic reasons. You've got to justify it to others by pretending it's the only correct choice and has no downsides, because deep down you're a sweaty nerd.

https://old.reddit.com/hiking/comments/1cn4uy4/best_hiking_shirts_for_extreme_heat/l34xw28/?context=20

This is my last attempt for awhile. *Do Not message or add me just to unfriend me or ghost me. * Greetings future partner ❤️ I'm still searching for you. I have to be honest and say that I am losing hope trying to find you.Please be somewhere. I want my search for a partner to be over. I'm seeking adventure in my life with someone I can call a forever partner. I'm tired of the loneliness and the sheltered lifestyle that I've lived. It would mean a lot of you could read through this post so that I could make sure we are compatible. Even if we start off as friends that would be fine.
Here's to new beginnings and new connections. PLEASE make sure you READ through the WHOLE POST also please be respectful when messaging me * *If you're the type to be impatient, block, or ghost easily, then save both of us the trouble and DO NOT message me! I'm not trying to come off as mean but I'd much rather you not message me if you're the type of person to do that. If something isn't working just let me know. We're all adults.
Greetings, I am seeking a long term relationship monogamous with the end goal being matrimony. I am not one for playing around and being used casually as it doesn’t suit me personally. Ideally I'd prefer a man that has his life already in place so that I can be able to share life with him and for him to take care of me. I would expect my future man to have a fiscally stable job and be able to support me and our future family. I wouldn’t be opposed to being a housewife. There are few reasons why I would like to work or work part time: 1) Being abandoned with nothing, 2) I want to feel fulfilled and not bored. Happy to discuss possible dynamics, I'm flexible. I would love a synergistic partnership where we are both able to mold our minds and fill our hearts with warm affection. I will be there to support you throughout your journey and celebrate every moment with you. I want you to be proud of you just as you are with me. I want to show you that you are truly cared for and appreciated by gestures of love such as massages and other forms of entertainment. I would expect the same from you as well. Even if we are both working adults we can still make our relationship work in the best way possible. I have seen this come out well for people who are dedicated and willing to make their relationships work. For a strong relationship to occur I would expect effective (transparent) communication from you. If you are going to be busy just be honest and let me know you won’t be able to talk to me.Also, if you need your space both mentally and physically let me know. I understand that we all have our lives to attend to but it is incredibly important for people in a relationship to be transparent when circumstances arise in a timely manner in order to avoid future conflict. If this relationship isn’t going to work I would expect you to tell me and not ghost or block me before giving me a reason why. We are all adults so I would expect nothing but maturity. Starting out I don’t want the pressure of sex to be pushed onto me. I’d rather let time tell in all of its glory.
Now onto my true introduction
My name is Angie and I'm from Georgia in the United States. I've been lonely for quite some time and find it hard to find a soulmate in IRL. What I'm looking for is someone who I can connect with and have wholesome conversations with. I want to be able to treat my future soulmate well just as much as they do me. The biggest part of a long lasting relationship is the ability to communicate openly without worry. I'd love it if my significant other has a dark sense of humor and continues to crack me up non-stop. As cheesy as it may sound I long for those late night calls and cute texts. I want for us to drive out the very best in each other; become our support system. A little bit about me is that I grew up in Florida and not too long ago moved to Georgia. I'm currently in college to become an RN but I'm also passionate about cosmetic chemistry and nutrition so I may seek to build my own business in the future. I'm passionate about science and theoretical applications especially within the medical field. I'd appreciate it if my partner is open minded about varying topics and welcomes healthy conversations. Appearance wise I'm open to seeing if we have a connection and feel as long as you are well groomed and practice basic hygiene you are good. Although, I must say that attraction is key in a relationship so I will have to go off on that as well. To add on, I enjoy playing video games, exercising (I've been slacking off lately), cooking and baking (vegan), playing board games, reading, exploring nature, playing sports (basketball and soccer) for fun, and trying new experiences. I hope to save up and travel someday. It would be nice for my partner to be able to set up our travel itinerary.
My Physical Description:
I am a black woman who’s twenty five years old (almost 26 in December) with Afro-Carribean, Japanese and Swedish ancestry. I’d still consider myself black presenting since that’s more along the lines of what I appear as phenotypically. I have dark brown curly hair (Mainly 3c type curls) and brown eyes. I am 5 '4 on the thicker spectrum (not at all obese but thick boned and have thunder thighs). I am trying to exercise more to become fit. I used to weight lift when I was younger but since then have lost lean muscle mass. Having a partner that is willing to work out together sometimes is rather rewarding. A man who has drive and appeal is incredibly sexy. I would also like to point out that I am curvy and noticeable in certain aspects (I’ll leave it up to you to decide).
*You have to be MINIMUM 21 to date me *
If distance will be a problem and you aren't willing to make it work then DON'T MESSAGE ME!!
If you will be too busy to pursue a relationship then DO NOT contact me!! * *Again, No ghosters or blockers!! Seeking a person who seeks a relationship with God and/or is open to one Must be free from venerial diseases and must be willing to get tested(will discuss) Bonus points if you're vegan Ideally I would like someone that is taller than me (I’m 5’4) I prefer a man that is fit or trying to be. I'd prefer someone who is fiscally stable and able to support the both of us* A big red flag for me is smokers. It isn't good for your health nor is it sexy to me.* It's important for me to point out that I want children in the future and need someone who may want that as well. If you're interested in how I look and want to know more about me, message me. Although I don’t make it a huge deal, I do prefer White and East Asian men. But I do love all types of men and welcome them. As stated before I emphasize communication and would prefer you to be honest and say if something is wrong instead of ghosting or blocking without stating the reason. Fair warning if I can be socially awkward sometimes and don't know what to talk about so please be patient with me as I'm learning to be better conversation wise

More and more I’ve been falling into my depression harder where it’s becoming much more of a climb to get out of it and things seem ever so pointless. I’m in therapy, take medication for my depression, am active (I workout every day and am down nearly 50 pounds from my highest weight and am maintaining while building muscle with a personal trainer), eat well ( I eat high protein/high carb with an average 15-17% fat intake), take my dogs for a walk outside most days, have a job I do well at and pays ok, am in a stable and loving marriage, and socialize during my exercise fitness classes, as well as doing a coffee date once a week. I work from home along with my partner and life just feels so unlivable as my job doesn’t use up a lot of my energy (I rarely work a full day based on work I have) and can find weekends the hardest as it feels there is nothing to look forward too or do. We moved to a new city near beginning of 2023 that has a population of 14000/15000 so there isn’t always a lot to do outside of the breweries/bars and some watesnow sports. I’m not a big drinker, and feel anxious on the water and usually hibernate during the winter. This city is known to have cliches of friend groups that I have heard from several people that have moved here and discussed how hard it is to make friends. I have tried bumble but most people ghost or don’t make an effort to meet/stop texting/don’t try to get to know one another. I’ve never felt I had a best friend but I’ve had friends but the ones I have have either moved away from the state or are 3+ hours away which has affected my feeling of being seen and wanted if that makes sense? I have my masters in a business specific area that I thought would make me happy, but I’ve met retaliation, toxic workplaces and jobs that make me feel like I do more harm than good. I’m in my late 20s and have no idea what I want to do, or what my purpose could be in life and thinking about staying alive until 30 sounds like an uphill battle. My therapist tells me I’ll be truly happy when I can find that thing that fuels me but I’ve tried and tried to find it. I took the career quizzes, talked to people, changed my major after undergrad for my masters and nothing has clicked. My partner has moved cities and even a state so I can have job opportunities that were “supposed to make me happy” which haven’t panned out. My partner makes much more than me, and is the reason I’m even able to afford therapy/the health changes I’ve made so with still having student loans if I was to go back to school it feels like this needs to be it and would have to be the final thing because I can’t keep messing up. I just don’t know what to do.

This will mostl likely be my last attempt in trying to find someone for awhile. * Do Not message me just to ghost or block me! Think it through before you message me!! I don't want to get emotionally hurt again.*
Greetings future partner ❤️ I'm still searching for you. I have to be honest and say that I am losing hope trying to find you.Please be somewhere. I want my search for a partner to be over. I'm seeking adventure in my life with someone I can call a forever partner. I'm tired of the loneliness and the sheltered lifestyle that I've lived. It would mean a lot of you could read through this post so that I could make sure we are compatible. Even if we start off as friends that would be fine.
Here's to new beginnings and new connections. PLEASE make sure you READ through the WHOLE POST also please be respectful when messaging me * *If you're the type to be impatient, block, or ghost easily, then save both of us the trouble and DO NOT message me! I'm not trying to come off as mean but I'd much rather you not message me if you're the type of person to do that. If something isn't working just let me know. We're all adults.
Greetings, I am seeking a long term relationship monogamous with the end goal being matrimony. I am not one for playing around and being used casually as it doesn’t suit me personally. Ideally I'd prefer a man that has his life already in place so that I can be able to share life with him and for him to take care of me. I would expect my future man to have a fiscally stable job and be able to support me and our future family. I wouldn’t be opposed to being a housewife. There are few reasons why I would like to work or work part time: 1) Being abandoned with nothing, 2) I want to feel fulfilled and not bored. Happy to discuss possible dynamics, I'm flexible. I would love a synergistic partnership where we are both able to mold our minds and fill our hearts with warm affection. I will be there to support you throughout your journey and celebrate every moment with you. I want you to be proud of you just as you are with me. I want to show you that you are truly cared for and appreciated by gestures of love such as massages and other forms of entertainment. I would expect the same from you as well. Even if we are both working adults we can still make our relationship work in the best way possible. I have seen this come out well for people who are dedicated and willing to make their relationships work. For a strong relationship to occur I would expect effective (transparent) communication from you. If you are going to be busy just be honest and let me know you won’t be able to talk to me.Also, if you need your space both mentally and physically let me know. I understand that we all have our lives to attend to but it is incredibly important for people in a relationship to be transparent when circumstances arise in a timely manner in order to avoid future conflict. If this relationship isn’t going to work I would expect you to tell me and not ghost or block me before giving me a reason why. We are all adults so I would expect nothing but maturity. Starting out I don’t want the pressure of sex to be pushed onto me. I’d rather let time tell in all of its glory.
Now onto my true introduction
My name is Angie and I'm from Georgia in the United States. I've been lonely for quite some time and find it hard to find a soulmate in IRL. What I'm looking for is someone who I can connect with and have wholesome conversations with. I want to be able to treat my future soulmate well just as much as they do me. The biggest part of a long lasting relationship is the ability to communicate openly without worry. I'd love it if my significant other has a dark sense of humor and continues to crack me up non-stop. As cheesy as it may sound I long for those late night calls and cute texts. I want for us to drive out the very best in each other; become our support system. A little bit about me is that I grew up in Florida and not too long ago moved to Georgia. I'm currently in college to become an RN but I'm also passionate about cosmetic chemistry and nutrition so I may seek to build my own business in the future. I'm passionate about science and theoretical applications especially within the medical field. I'd appreciate it if my partner is open minded about varying topics and welcomes healthy conversations. Appearance wise I'm open to seeing if we have a connection and feel as long as you are well groomed and practice basic hygiene you are good. Although, I must say that attraction is key in a relationship so I will have to go off on that as well. To add on, I enjoy playing video games, exercising (I've been slacking off lately), cooking and baking (vegan), playing board games, reading, exploring nature, playing sports (basketball and soccer) for fun, and trying new experiences. I hope to save up and travel someday. It would be nice for my partner to be able to set up our travel itinerary.
My Physical Description:
I am a black woman who’s twenty five years old (almost 26 in December) with Afro-Carribean, Japanese and Swedish ancestry. I’d still consider myself black presenting since that’s more along the lines of what I appear as phenotypically. I have dark brown curly hair (Mainly 3c type curls) and brown eyes. I am 5 '4 on the thicker spectrum (not at all obese but thick boned and have thunder thighs). I am trying to exercise more to become fit. I used to weight lift when I was younger but since then have lost lean muscle mass. Having a partner that is willing to work out together sometimes is rather rewarding. A man who has drive and appeal is incredibly sexy. I would also like to point out that I am curvy and noticeable in certain aspects (I’ll leave it up to you to decide).
*You have to be MINIMUM 21 to date me *
If distance is an issue and you aren't willing to commit then DON'T MESSAGE ME!!
If you will be too busy to pursue a relationship then DO NOT contact me!! * *Again, No ghosters or blockers!! Seeking a person who seeks a relationship with God and/or is open to one MUST be free from venerial diseases (must be willing to get tested) Bonus points if you're vegan Ideally I would like someone that is taller than me (I’m 5’4) I prefer a man that is fit or trying to be. I'd prefer someone who is fiscally stable and able to support the both of us* A big red flag for me is smokers. It isn't good for your health nor is it sexy to me.* It's important for me to point out that I want children in the future and need someone who may want that as well. If you're interested in how I look and want to know more about me, message me. Although I don’t make it a huge deal, I do prefer White and East Asian men. But I do love all types of men and welcome them. As stated before I emphasize communication and would prefer you to be honest and say if something is wrong instead of ghosting or blocking without stating the reason. Fair warning if I can be socially awkward sometimes and don't know what to talk about so please be patient with me as I'm learning to be better conversation wise

https://preview.redd.it/83m6v59nea0d1.jpg?width=1080&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=8296e20b4b3af8b0cd0d10064442fb764e45b886
https://preview.redd.it/8fvy659nea0d1.jpg?width=1080&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=15fa4fb0d6677dfc32b0e689932854c21120a857
https://preview.redd.it/z4i2w69nea0d1.jpg?width=1080&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=1e8a6dbe449aaf652014368bcc2174ec958a579a
31yr old (m)
Will my hair still improve or at least get back to what it was after stopping Minoxidil for 3-4 months? How long will it take?
Is the Minoxidil causing more shedding to replace weaker hairs? Or did I really mess up by stopping in the first place?
I have been using Dutasteride once a week, derma roll once a week, Biotin daily, and used a compound spray daily (Finasteride, Minoxidil, Melatonin, Vitamin D) for over 2 years. In January one night I used the derma roll too deep and it resulted in excessive shedding the following days.
I told my family doctor what happened, but also expressed the frustration of the spray, making the scalp sticky, routinely only being able to use once a day instead of twice, I didn’t like that it had cost $120 CAD a month, I felt my hair gradually got worst bit by bit the past year and I wanted a hair transplant soon. My doctor recommended that I should stop taking the spray and just take Finasteride (1.25mg daily, split 5mg into 4s) daily and Dutasteride once a week to see what happens. Due to panic and uncertainty I agreed.
In March is when the shedding started to get worse again but I didn’t know if it’s still due to the derma roll mistake from a couple months earlier. I decided to see HairClub and had a consultation appointment with the manager of the building location. I explained the situation leading up to that point and she said that I should continue using the spray and the only other option is hair transplant but she didn’t recommend it yet due to my hair still in a good state at the time and my age. To be fair I always had my hair in a way that made it near impossible to notice hair loss unless it’s unkept or wet, but she was nice and helpful.
Unfortunately as April started the hair loss worsened again, I was forced to recede my hairline back as I am no longer able to make my hair loss unnoticeable. I hoped it wouldn't get worse but it has, and not only is the crown thinning but between the crown and the hairline is becoming a problem, neither areas were problematic before. What makes the situation more difficult is that due to another situation that financially got in the way, I am no longer able to afford the hair transplant until much later than preferred.
I started to take Minoxidil again a week into April but in tablet form (5mg), still taking Finasteride (1.25 mg) daily, added New Nordic Hair Gro vitamin twice daily (contains biotin and more), Vitamin D daily, Dutasteride weekly, Derma weekly, and 2% ketoconazole shampoo (though I’m scared to shampoo my hair). I haven’t used hair thickening fibers for my hair for years until these past 2 weeks. It’s getting to the point where I should start wearing hats.
I overtyped but I felt like venting. What’s most frustrating is that I had a plan for multiple things in my life only for things to fall out of control. I had saved and reserved money anticipating a hair transplant with only the hairline to worry about, then potentially years/decade down the road another transplant if necessary, now it’s inevitable that there’s more to be done. I gave up waiting years for a dermatologist and I tried reaching Hair Club a week ago but was unable to reach them and they still haven’t called back. I'm wondering if HC only does first-time-only consultations and follow up appointments isn’t what they do.
It’s now objectively clear that the Minoxidil in the spray was 100% working (or at least slowed down hair loss), I should have never stopped. I messed up consecutively with back to back mistakes, nothing is working, my worst fear of this type of hair loss came true after years of avoiding it, and now feel completely helpless not knowing what’s next…

I'm not the type to move on quickly. I gave everything I have inside to promote a relationship I believed to be worthy of all of my time and effort. I saw my partner for who they are in the beginning. I accepted them. I also allowed room for personal growth, we both needed it. I allowed room for growth in our bond. Naturally.
I feel as if none of the things I have done to create a space, safe and comfortable for our entwined lives to flourish was acknowledged. I feel like a lot of the time i was disrespected with the intent to undermine my self esteem. I am at a loss over knowing now, that my thoughts on being used were true.
Everything had to be their way. Not a shared way.
Every viewpoint had to be skewed to fit their narrative. Not each individual having their own and respecting another.
I feel that my intent to build something solid was a secret joke to them, shared with friends I wasn't allowed to know.
Now, having cut the tie to this person I feel hollow and discarded. Even though I was the one to put them out. I have never felt more alone in my life.
They made mistakes that take real heart and effort to correct. I'm unsure if that effort is one they could give. This isn't' about pointing fingers. My finger, it seems was pointing in the right direction, regardless if they didn't want the betrayal pointed out.
This is about choosing to be a better human being. This is about the warmth you feel inside by doing right by the people in your life. This is about allowing the positive parts and magnifying them, minimizing the negatives when they come along. And they do, that's life. There's more than enough hurt and pain in the world without creating more on purpose.
I hope anyone reading this, being the one who has been hurt or if you did the hurting understands this letter is really about the choices we make and how we affect the people in our lives. How the human experience isn't about the suffering but the recovery.
My life will never be the same again. It was the most connective bond with them, for me. The time with them was somehow greater, for me. The good things that were shared is special, for me. The hurt I feel is deep now, and I needed the betrayal to stop, for me.
I wonder if there is remorse felt by them. Or if this is another thing they twist in their mind to relieve themselves of any guilt. I knew when I met them there were issues like this for them. An absence of claim to damage they cause.
I wish they understood the freeing feeling of admitting a mistake. I wish they felt the self assured pride of ensuring and protecting their loved ones by refusing to allow mistakes to happen. Or happen again. I wish they understood we are all fallible. It's not about the mistake, its about fixing it, meaning it and never allowing it to happen again. Because you love the person it hurt.
I don't regret meeting them. I don't regret giving my all. I don't regret giving them space to grow. I don't regret that my nature is easily seen as being easily manipulated.
I am the kind to smile at babies and speak to my neighbors. I say good morning to passersby on the street. I offer cold drinks to overheated young mothers outside with nowhere to go. I pet friendly animals and take time to appreciate the growth of foliage as I walk. I feel most things around me, flowing in and through me. Lifes very own heart beat, I trust at anothers word. I give benefit of the doubt. I see the glass half full. I don't question anothers whereabout, I take their word for it.
If these things make me some kind of target, so be it. I have no other way to exist. This is me. I wish they had protected and cherished these things about me. I wish it hadn't been exploited instead. Life will never be the same.
It's called honesty. Its not a new concept. It makes the worlds we create for ourselves worth living in. To my fellow people in hurt, love yourself more today and it's okay to feel what you feel. To those who've caused a hurt, love yourself more today and it's okay to make amends if you are moved to do so. To all others, I doubt they got past the second paragraph I wrote so it's a moot point anyway.
Be kinder. More honest. Love yourselves. Love each other. And smile, it's a beautiful day.

Hey gang - I don't know where to vent - so i'll vent here, I'm not sure if i'm in the wrong mindset. My partner (33F) is 14 weeks pregnant. (WOOT!) prior to this, we've been together for over 2 years. We both have been out of college and have about 7 YOE. I own my own home, my own cars, and we are both financially stable. We both agreed to start trying (if it happens it happens) 2 years into our relationship. we are both extremely excited about this next step in our life! I first told my brother and my parents. They both were even more excited than I, I loved it, I even have recordings of their reactions, it is beautiful. Then we decided to tell her mother and brother, granted, I've gotten really close with her brother, and her mother (we lived with them for 3 months while i closed on my home). When we told her mother, her mothers reaction was more of a 1.5 hr screaming fest; the repeated statements were; "How could you do this to me, you embarrassing me", "I taught you better", "What is wrong with you guys?", "How could you skip this step?", "This is wrong", "I am embarrassed" , "This makes me look bad", "I am disappointed in you (her daughter)". different ways of saying that, just because we weren't wed. I proceeded to be clam, and stand my ground, to ensure her, that her daughter is the love of my life, the barer of my child, I will fight for this family, I will love both of these people with ever being of my fiber. I told her my reason was that I would rather have a larger finical safety net to bring a child into this world since we are both 33, than to spend money on a wedding, and risk later life pregnancy. She would have non of this. As i watched my partner cry her face off, while her mother just stood there laying waste with her unsupportive words. I was torn, I am a big family guy. I only have a tiny circle (my clan) that i keep close... I told her mom, "I'm sorry you feel this way, what can i do to make you feel better?" she continued to just yell the same sentiment.. I looked at my partner, knowing she should NOT be stressed during this time of pregnancy, and said 'lets leave and give each other space' my partner didn't want to (in respect for her mom - we are both asian) but I insisted we leave. We did, I told her "respectfully I think we all need some space, if you allow us, we would like to leave right now", she said "ok".
I could not sleep for a couple nights (its been 3 weeks) the words she said cut like knives.. I feel offended, I feel so angry. Logically, in my mind i think, if you are a parent, your job is to watch your children.. they fumble, they fail, but you guide them you support them. How could you ever tell them their actions are a mistake and embarrassment.. furthermore.. her daughter is pregnant, she is experiencing so many emotions, especially fear.. how could you not put aside your feeling, and know at this very moment your daughter is looking for your support.. how could you let your daughter down when she needs you the MOST. I am twisted up, because I thought I was a good judge of character.. but wow all i come up with is selfish individual... who just cares about themselves.. This mother is supposed to be an adult.. all that angry and anguish all because... ? we weren't married? because we 'skipped' a step? all because we didn't fit into their cookie cutter norms.. I spiraled further questioning myself.. then came back around.. I grew up in a trailer.. no money, I fought tooth and nail, to put myself in college, to learn, to grow, to buy myself a car, to buy myself a home, and to get myself to a point I love. Yet how am i so irked by this person.. how can this person even understand what I went through. they don't, I think i'm just so conflicted. Sometimes I wish I could go and let her know a piece of my mind, I love family, and the thought of putting a rut between my partner and her mother also kills me.. I don't want that, but I don't want someone with those values of "self", "me", "me" around my child. Ever since then, so much of my why my partner and her brother are the way they are makes sense. I just want to let this mother know, "I am disappointed in myself, for letting someone so selfish come so close to me, I forgive but I don't forget. Lastly Thank you, thank you for raising someone to NOT be like you"
sorry - I guess... in some big part of this whole post is my having this bottled up emotion, being conflicted, and not able or willing to put this stress on my pregnant partner.
Thanks for listening.

Title sums it up. I need help.
Getting back into therapy, which has been a fucking decade long journey just to find out HOW to have therapy help me and not just rehash and open old wounds.
But I want this therapy to HELP ME. I’m doing emdr and group soon. Also seeing a psych to explore medications to teach my brain how not to do certain things until I can do them on my own.
I do okay, sometimes great. But inevitably, I always end up back here. Suicidal ideation, unable to deal with feelings, not progressing, insanely evil voices inside. Hate myself. I like myself, but I feel like a worthless loser and I make ten thousand plans to try new things. But I’ve done so many of those and I complete goals and end up right back here. I have two degrees, I’m fit, two beautiful wonderful children that do sports, a dog that I take out. I’m kind, beautiful, smart, talented. I know these things. Me being able to say these things is huge for me. But I feel like none of it matters sometimes, and I am feeling it more and more frequently.
I’ve explored OCD, but old doctors wouldn’t listen to me. I’ll just walk to my car, think I’m a piece of shit. Open the car door, “loser.” Close the trunk, “you don’t really matter.”
I WANT to not be like this. I have acceptance that I am like this. But Jesus it’s been rough lately. I do have quite a bit of shit on my plate all the time, a ton to be grateful for. But I just can’t handle life for long periods.
I was severely neglected and raised by a narcissist/bpd person.
I am doing okay regardless. I also just got done with chemo and maybe my hormones balancing again has something to do with me lately, but I have been having meltdown after meltdown lately.
This is normal for me. I’m a several years recovered alcoholic and I would just cry at meetings. But I haven’t made it to many lately and feel like all my meltdowns are saved for my fiancé. He is so kind and patient but I am so tired of always being a fucking mess.
Yes, my life has a constant stream of shit that isn’t fair. But fuck, that’s life and I want to be able to deal with it and not react so harshly.
I want to develop self-esteem. I have confidence in my abilities a lot of the time. But I am stuck because of non-existent self-esteem.
I can’t “fake it.” I can’t recite mantras. And it pisses off the little protector parts inside of me when I try to lie to them.
Please, any and all advice is welcome.

My family has always been of great minds. I hated it. Growing up and having to study day and night to try and live up to them was extremely exhausting when I couldn't care how things worked as long as I was happy. I gave up but somehow everything kept turning out to be true.
Over my lifetime I have become the Gorden Ramsey of the science world. Known for my temper and also for huge things like curing world hunger using play-doe and cancer with baby powder I got in a back street ally while drunk.
To get my family off my back I started making random ideas so they could see me as a failure and leave me alone but...they keep working. And soon people started to praise me. Fame has left me with nothing but more and more attention. So today I plan to make sure that everyone can just think I'm insane and leave me alone and not some king.
I chuckled like a kid who was opening a Christmas present as I heard the crowd of people chatting and talking loudly as I hid behind my stage in a grey tight suit that my sister had picked out. I sighed and was ready to walk out and make a fool out of myself but my brother stopped me.
" Jack... I just want you to know how proud I am of you. Dad would have loved to see you right now. "
I thought it was ironic because last night while chilling on the couch watching TV and eating chips I made this theory up. He dusted off my shoulders held them tight and looked me in the eyes taking in the moment.
" go give them hell man. "
He had a goofy smile just like Dad but spoke with confidence.
" you got it, man. "
I heard my name being called onto the stage and the uproar startled me for a second but I collected myself and headed out after giving him a nod just to entertain him.
The lights were blinding as I grabbed the mic and looked at the table in front of me with a small box with the ingredients I needed and a chalkboard behind me.
After I stood still for a minute the crowd died down. I had not told anyone what I was presenting so the whole world was watching without a clue of what I was doing this time.
"Hello everyone. Today I believe I have my most important presentation yet..."
The crowd grew silent and hung on every word. And I heard my voice around the room through the speakers.
" Today I have with me a box...and inside is spaghetti I had for breakfast. "
The crowd laughed thinking it was a joke
" shut up "
The crowd grew silent once more
"Behind me is a chalkboard and I will now present my new findings to all of you...I have found out how to make portals to other worlds. "
A man in the far back of the audience yelled bullshit in a heavy Indian accent but he was so far it was a faint sound for me. I smiled at that thinking I had finally found something that would make me lose my title and I could go ahead and live a life without people making me feel like an evil man for not helping others.
I opened the box got a handful of the noodles and threw them at the chalkboard. I then grabbed a paper towel on standby to clean myself.
The noodles hit the board and slowly moved and rested on a spot on the board. I made eye contact with my brother backstage and he had a look on his face showing he believed in me.
I spun the board dropping the noodles to the ground I then grabbed the chalk and drew around the sauce and noodles that stuck to the board then drew my attention to the others that had fallen on the floor and drew an outline of that.
After it finished I threw the chalk in the crowd violently hitting an old lady in the face.
" Quickly I want a show of hands who thinks I'm a crazy guy "
Everyone raised their hands and I laughed to myself
I then went behind the board and laid it horizontally. I grabbed a small knife in my pocket and poked my finger with it. The crimson blood fell and hit the chalk and then as more and more blood hit the chalk it started glowing.
" you have got to be joking. "
I said out loud as it started to spark an orange glow and it slowly grew color to the rest of the chalk in orange sparks.
Once the symbol was fully sparking with orange the sauce began to swell and move around in a counterclockwise manner. I stepped away from it in shock as small parts of the blood in my finger began to float to the parts where it fell on the floor I drew my outlines on and started sparking those as well.
It started to smoke and hiss as if lightning could whisper and the orange began to take shape and the sauce made a doorway. The parts that were not on the board began to grow ice around them and started to make designs on the floor circling me and the board. Suddenly it grew in size and a large booming voice was heard through the portal as I felt panic of people start to set in.
A huge claw came out and scrapped the sides of my table trying to crawl out from the world it had been trapped in. Cold winds hit me as they cut my skin and threw around my clothes. As I saw the table was now melting from its touch.
A slimy green claw with mucus like a face-hugger egg from the movie Alien carved through the floor and pulled the rest of its body out slowly. A beast stood at 12 feet tall adjusting to our world as goop grew and shaped its body as people screamed, ran, and stood frozen in fear.
As it looked around it locked its spider-like eyes and swerled around coming out from the portal and twisting and turning around the body as it made its way to its head finding a place to rest. It then locked its eyes with me and its jaw twisted slowly from an ant-like maw to mine and slowly shrunk and it soon took the shape of me and knelt on the floor and spoke to me.
" master. "
I stood in shock as everyone seemed to calm down and watched to see what I would do.
"...umm "My family has always been of great minds. I hated it. Growing up and having to study day and night to try and live up to them was extremely exhausting when I couldn't care how things worked as long as I was happy. I gave up but somehow everything kept turning out to be true.
Over my lifetime I have become the Gorden Ramsey of the science world. Known for my temper and also for huge things like curing world hunger using play-doe and cancer with baby powder I got in a back street ally while drunk.
To get my family off my back I started making random ideas so they could see me as a failure and leave me alone but...they keep working. And soon people started to praise me. Fame has left me with nothing but more and more attention. So today I plan to make sure that everyone can just think I'm insane and leave me alone and not some king.
I chuckled like a kid who was opening a Christmas present as I heard the crowd of people chatting and talking loudly as I hid behind my stage in a grey tight suit that my sister had picked out. I sighed and was ready to walk out and make a fool out of myself but my brother stopped me.
" Jack... I just want you to know how proud I am of you. Dad would have loved to see you right now. "
I thought it was ironic because last night while chilling on the couch watching TV and eating chips I made this theory up. He dusted off my shoulders held them tight and looked me in the eyes taking in the moment.
" go give them hell man. "
He had a goofy smile just like Dad but spoke with confidence.
" you got it, man. "
I heard my name being called onto the stage and the uproar startled me for a second but I collected myself and headed out after giving him a nod just to entertain him.
The lights were blinding as I grabbed the mic and looked at the table in front of me with a small box with the ingredients I needed and a chalkboard behind me.
After I stood still for a minute the crowd died down. I had not told anyone what I was presenting so the whole world was watching without a clue of what I was doing this time.
"Hello everyone. Today I believe I have my most important presentation yet..."
The crowd grew silent and hung on every word. And I heard my voice around the room through the speakers.
" Today I have with me a box...and inside is spaghetti I had breakfast. "
The crowd laughed thinking it was a joke
" shut up "
The crowd grew silent once more
"Behind me is a chalkboard and I will now present my new findings to all of you...I have found out how to make portals to other worlds. "
A man in the far back of the audience yelled bullshit in a heavy Indian accent but he was so far it was a faint sound for me. I smiled at that thinking I had finally found something that would make me lose my title and I could go ahead and live a life without people making me feel like an evil man for not helping others.
I opened the box got a handful of the noodles and threw them at the chalkboard. I then grabbed a paper towel on standby to clean myself.
The noodles hit the board and slowly moved and rested on a spot on the board. I made eye contact with my brother backstage and he had a look on his face showing he believed in me.
I spun the board dropping the noodles to the ground I then grabbed the chalk and drew around the sauce and noodles that stuck to the board then drew my attention to the others that had fallen on the floor and drew an outline of that.
After it finished I threw the chalk in the crowd violently hitting an old lady in the face.
" Quickly I want a show of hands who thinks I'm a crazy guy "
Everyone raised their hands and I laughed to myself
I then went behind the board and laid it horizontally. I grabbed a small knife in my pocket and poked my finger with it. The crimson blood fell and hit the chalk and then as more and more blood hit the chalk it started glowing.
" you have got to be joking. "
I said out loud as it started to spark an orange glow and it slowly grew color to the rest of the chalk in orange sparks.
Once the symbol was fully sparking with orange the sauce began to swell and move around in a counterclockwise manner. I stepped away from it in shock as small parts of the blood in my finger began to float to the parts where it fell on the floor I drew my outlines on and started sparking those as well.
It started to smoke and hiss as if lightning could whisper and the orange began to take shape and the sauce made a doorway. The parts that were not on the board began to grow ice around them and started to make designs on the floor circling me and the board. Suddenly it grew in size and a large booming voice was heard through the portal as I felt panic of people start to set in.
A huge claw came out and scrapped the sides of my table trying to crawl out from the world it had been trapped in. Cold winds hit me as they cut my skin and threw around my clothes. As I saw the table was now melting from its touch.
A slimy green claw with mucus like a face-hugger egg from the movie Alien carved through the floor and pulled the rest of its body out slowly. A beast stood at 12 feet tall adjusting to our world as goop grew and shaped its body as people screamed, ran, and stood frozen in fear.
As it looked around it locked its spider-like eyes and swerled around coming out from the portal and twisting and turning around the body as it made its way to its head finding a place to rest. It then locked its eyes with me and its jaw twisted slowly from an ant-like maw to mine and slowly shrunk and it soon took the shape of me and knelt on the floor and spoke to me.
" master. "
I stood in shock as everyone seemed to calm down and watched to see what I would do.

"...umm "

Part two of the noodle demon.
Now that this creature knelt before me I realized that the room I was in was so terrible quietly you could hear everyone's ass get tight in anticipation of what would happen next.
" ...what...are you. "
I spoke carefully to the being that had taken the shape of myself. It still took my breath away and my throat was dry.
The beast was a deep green. The color mixed with shades of grey streaming from it. The longer I looked at it I could see it getting closer to what I looked like shaping itself.
From small flowing green tendrils to an arm they grew as they twisted and made bone then muscle and finally skin.
It locked eyes with me and it smiled deeply at me. As it formed the face finally.
" Your vassle. "
My eyes had not moved to the crowd at all but even though the lights hit the stage so hard it was enveloped in smoke.
The creature's eyes glowed as it answered brightly, not figuratively. This thing's eyes were glowing.
"To serve you, We are bound by blood magic. I am a reflection of your desires, Master, " it said, its voice now a whisper in my mind.
It began to stand up as my grey suit began to form on it and by the time it stood fully up it had copied what I looked like.
" let me explain everything. "
My body frozen in fear woke up with adrenaline as I blinked and a flash of green smoke covered my vision as he teleported right to me face to face.
Its body turned to smoke and went into the slits of my eyes. I felt visions follow me in my peripheral vision but surprisingly no pain followed power filled me and it felt like one hell of a drug.
My body and mind altered.
I was now in a very dark place with no walls or light except my reflection on the floor which waved like water.
I took a step back looking around and back to the reflection of me on the ground.
Soon the water rippled and my reflection fell through the floor like gravity was inverted. he flew upright and water fell off of him as he looked at me as he now stood straight ahead of me. He was just reflecting in the water but now eyed me down.
Collecting my nerves.
I begin to speak.
" what do you want..."
He was still in my form and stood perfectly straight. Now with water dripping from his...my hair.
Slight stubble with hair that hung down and my hazel eyes were not present within him but I was greeted with a swelling acidic green that doubled the size of my pupil.
" to serve you. "
He made no other movement than putting his hands behind his back like a soldier at ease.
I could not tell if it was lying or not.
" ...is that it? "
" I am the embodiment of your fear desires and brilliance. You have shaped me. Your desire for solitude birthed me. I will aid you in shaping the world how you see fit. Your reality becomes mine. "
There was a slight echo in the room as he spoke.
" wait...where are we "
I questioned haphazardly
" your mind. "
An awkward silence was in the air until I spoke
" so...am I just standing on the stage not making a sound? "
He gave me a concerned look.
" no...time has frozen outside for you. You may sleep here without having to in the real world so to others you look as if you never rest and you may think and plan what to do in battle here. For them, it will be about two seconds...Do...do you not have any knowledge of what I am? "
Suddenly I felt bad like I had encountered someone famous and I had no idea who they were. A slap in the face like a popular kid meeting someone who had never heard of them. Ego shattered.
" ok sorry no. I...don't go around reading about...monsters?"
I felt like was I saying the n-word of the demon realm not knowing if that word was offensive.
He folded his arms a little upset.
"Are you not a warrior? "
" well...no I...just watch TV and cook here and there- "
The demon cut me off
" weak. "
" excuse me? "
" look. I am an immortal being and after a while you get bored. So I'm sorry if I may be a little upset after being bonded with some nobody. "
I got quiet and I was a little annoyed that I was being roasted by some demon that I just met.
Its form wavers and eyes begin to open on its skin. Cheeks forhead etc.
"After being a god for so long it's fun to play with limitations. Makes things extremely exciting. "
" what do you mean by that? "
" look. You can only be so entertained by the same things. Life gets boring and now...you are going to help me with this. I get to have pure entertainment while you get every wish you could ever want. A mutual bond no? "
He then closed his eyes annoyed and the other eyes meshed back to his skin.
" though... the TV is not that interesting...life is what gets the blood pumping"
I felt the need to quickly change the topic
"Are there others like you? "
The room began to take shape very slowly as the water floor turned to wood and walls went around us.
" of course. You may meet them one day "
Confused and curious I pressed.
"Meet them? "
" yes. Summoning one of us is considered a threat to them. "
He spoke while opening and closing his newly found hand except backward.
" hm...no that don't look right "
I quickly responded
" Wait! How is doing that a threat! "
"Well, one doesn't just accidentally Summon one of us to suddenly get powers beyond human control. "
I thought back to how I summoned him by accident with some food I made.
" well...funny story but I summoned you using my breakfast..."
I had never regretted speaking so much as in that moment.
" What... "
Acid dripped from his words. Literally. His pupils split in half and his bottom jaw ripped open like an ant and curved giving sharpness to the bone.
"Please don't kill me. "
The room began to look like a cozy cabin with a fireplace and he slowly went back to normal.
" I would if I could. I've never felt so disrespected. We are bonded by your blood. If you die...I die. "
Suddenly I felt at ease by this new information.
Then a thought came to my mind
" ...God's can die? "
" you did hear me, right? "
The SAS from this guy was unneeded and I was starting to miss him being on his knees as weird as that sounds.
" so...all that power gone.... in an instant... "
" well...no actually God's powers don't just disappear they transfer to whoever killed them...wait...hold up."
He suddenly had an epiphany.
A smile grew on his face and he grabbed my shoulders
" you! You are going to help me kill the other gods! "
He sounded proud but I let him down.
" ha! No. "
" oh come on! Don't be like that. "
He did a pout.
"Look, man. I'm not killing gods for you. Just because you are bored. "
" hey...they might send people to kill you because you bonded with me. "
"What did I ever do to them? "
"They have a system to this stuff. They like to build and watch things play out. You're a problem. That can mess it up. So...they kill ya...to be honest, I don't know any other way to explain it, man. You know people normally just use my power to kill people and become a king and know this already. "
"This is outrageous. "
" bro. Look if you do this I will be able to get their powers and you will be able to do so much more than what I offer "
I tilted my head
" what can you do? Know what never mind. I will just talk to them and figure things out. "
He groaned and his form melted down sagging and it shot back up reforming
"Is there not anything that you want? Anything in the world? Gods don't put themselves in physical forms. They give people power and can make beings to hunt you. And if they care enough to come down themself. Ha, good luck."
I stopped and thought about it trying to weigh the options of pissing off higher beings.
Suddenly. I found something.
"Can you bring back the dead..."
He stopped confused.
" well...no "
" then I don't want anything "
" wait! "
He threw his arms out pleading
"I don't...but another God does..."
He crosses his arms smiling. He had left the question hanging letting me reconsider his offer.
I stopped and thought for a while before looking back up to him.
I let out a sigh and looked him in the eyes
" ok...you are going to help me get my father back. "
The demon smirked.

Pretty much what the title says. I’m 21 so we’ve been friends since we were kids. Inseparable. I found we lived in the same town now that we’ve both moved out! I’ve been trying to contact her to hang out, we had a few weird spots last year over a shared roommate who hated me and she sided with her, which kind of threw me off. Im not a bad person, simply just not religious and don’t feel the need to pretend to be religious anymore. I drink on occasion, say curse words, (not around her.) have piercings and tattoos, and don’t go to church. Other than that, I’m the same person I’ve always been. Oh, I forgot! I had sex with my boyfriend and she threw a fit because I “changed.”
Been trying to contact her to hang out, we both live in a very mormon town. I just live in the stereotypically “exmormon” part of town. She texted me today finally after 6 months of ignoring me, and said she’s over it. She’s done. She needed some “time for herself.” she doesn’t want to see me anymore. All because she doesn’t agree with some things I’m doing and doesn’t want to be tempted! Isn’t that funny. I’ve lost quite a few friends for not being mormon, but never thought it would be my best friend. Funny thing is, she’s best friends with the old roommate now. Good riddance. As much as I want to respond rudely, (and rightfully so,) I’m going to simply ignore. It hurts, but I know it’s for the better. I can’t change other people’s minds about me, and I shouldn’t want people like that In my life.
Just for the fun of it, help me brainstorm funny things to say. Won’t be sending them but it’ll at least cheer me up a bit. :)

So, you said Lord Nicholas has no personality, which is true lol, but since I'm the devil's advocate, I took that as a challenge. Make yourself comfortable for a long read. Have some popcorn.
Why is this guy more of a tragic character, rather than a villain? And how does a man lose identity, and becomes a monster through desperation? I'll answer this for you below.
• Throughout Plague Tale Innocence, there are various signs that although he is personally close to Vitalis (no use of titles or formalities when speaking to each other) he is the execution, and not the mastermind behind the plans. For example, when Hugo's Macula was to be tested, he urged Vitalis on to put an end to the plague already, they are not here to play games.
• In the very same chapter, we get a little insight on what he believes and thinks about the conflict between the Inquisition and the De Runes. He doesn't understand why Beatrice De Rune resists their persuasion for information regarding the Macula, since their goals are shared -> ending the Plague. Ultimately, he blindly believes Vitalis wants to control the Plague to save them. And he does anything, ANYTHING to make that happen.
Commit genocide against peasants, and in the end, even go as far as killing Hugo.
Now, let's take a little turn to make a background check for this guy. Or at least what is hinted, and what can be assumed with intuition and theories.
• Like I mentioned before, him and Vitalis are personally close, and in the preultimate chapter of Plague Tale: Innocence, after his death, guards talk about him in the city. They are confused why Vitalis hasn't sent anyone for his search (I'll get to that one later), since he was his Protégé. This alone in itself wouldn't mean anything, but right after that a guard added "Maybe he found himself another Protégé" regarding Hugo of course.
Since this game is about innocence and children, it's almost safe to assume that Nicholas likely got taken under Vitalis' wings just as Hugo was now in the present. That would explain why they are close, and why Nicholas blindly trusts his master. Another dialogue backs this up, between the Arch Bishop and Vitalis. "Puppets like you will kneel and beg me to save them." and look who appears and kneels right there and then? Lord Nicholas. This is my theory, I can back it up but it isn't 100% surely true of course. Take it with a pinch of salt please.
• Now, time to get to why Vitalis didn't send anyone after Nicholas' disappearance... We saw nothing of the two months Hugo spent in the Bastion, but based on the Cathedral's state, it's safe to assume things didn't go that well with controlling the Macula. The plan was to get Hugo through the threshold finally, so that the Conjuration can begin. (Note to self: another essay later about that one). Although they tried to push Hugo through with hurting his mother, it didn't work. Because of this, Vitalis tasked Nicholas with taking Hugo to his sister, to end her life. This is simple, but it doesn't stop here.
In the chapter Blood Ties (where we control Hugo), we already meet an impatient Nicholas who wants to put an end to the Plague. Not only that, but let me get to one crucial sentence told by Vitalis. "Nicholas... You cannot understand." This hints at the disagreements between the two, and that Nicholas is not indulged in how this should be done. Nicholas tries to help Vitalis up, but he rejects the help too. It's quite symbolic for the one-sided trust between the two. Due to this growing mistrust, and how Vitalis didn't expect Nicholas to come back after his mission later on, to me it seems like Vitalis cut the ties and sent him exactly to his death to get rid of him.
• Vitalis' plan was never to get rid of Hugo once they pass the threshold ("I have a lot to teach the Carrier, and his friends."), and knew well, that Nicholas has no chance against Hugo and Amicia with the rats alongside them. He sent the man who trusted him the most to his death, and with that also chose his ultimate protégé - Hugo. It's also likely that Nicholas' mistrust grew because his position in the hierarchy was compromised, since it's likely Vitalis got obsessed with Hugo, and Nicholas almost realized he is played with. There is also the idea, that Vitalis sent him away to actually save him from the white rats he meant to send on the crowd anyway. Anyway, Vitalis is for another essay...
• The betrayed, the sacrificed. Who is he? There is absolutely little we know of him, except for his title and occupation. What always speaks in Plague Tale: Innocence though, is the design. I mean look at that drip- sorry.. In "A Making of Plague Tale: Innocence" the creative developers mention the importance of faces, and overall pure, intuitive impressions we get of our characters.
• There is only one character whose face we never see, and that is Nicholas. That doesn't only play as a psychological trick to make him more terrifying, but also hints at certain points. First of all, his robes are Dominican. This is historically fitting (although there were no dominican knights) since Dominicans were those entrusted by the Church to handle trials against heresy and begin inquisitions. This also hints that he is very religious and dedicated to serving the (assumed) good. I know, no way. Let's not forget about how faded out it is, or bloody. In NO way he is a good guy, but a tragic believer? Likely. Under the robes is the armour, which is hit all around. It's no news we talk about a very experienced and efficient knight who also happens to be serving Vitalis (NOT the Church! Explained in another essay, chill.). Knights start their training at 7, and only nobles are in for the job, obviously. I made the connection, that since he likely knows Vitalis from his childhood, and his training also began when he was 7 years old, and his name was Nicholas...
Side note: In medieval times, children were named after Saints to inwoke their blessing, in this case, among many things, protecting children.
It's likely that he himself, just like those he hunts, was an orphan, perhaps even a sinner, who had to be saved by none else, than Vitalis. Give it a thought, maybe he was a lost little boy like Hugo, whose innocence was stolen way too early. With how Plague Tale likes to play with irony and parallels between characters, I don't see this as unlikely.
• All in all, he is what his occupation is, and nothing human. He is the machine that serves. The cross, the judgement. We cannot see his face, because he has no identity except what Vitalis gave him. His role, his title, his mission (perhaps even name). As it can be seen, Hugo too, was dressed in robes showing the Inquisition's sign, like a mark of ownership over him.
• From the very start of the story, he was the representative of that time's barbaric cruelty, unforgiving, misplaced judgement. And as though from the children's perspective he was a monster from the very beginning, how did it go down? As I said before, he has no identity except his committment, and through that his morals, ambitions are shown. At the very start, they ambushed the De Rune estate, and we CANNOT know, if the violance was planned beforehand or it came due to Robert's resistance.
People were taken hostage for questioning, the goal was to capture Hugo, the Carrier, and Beatrice, the only one who can help them understand the plague's origins. It was bloody, but after this chapter, you can hear guards clearly say "capture children" and not just Hugo. Now, unbelivably, I don't think he wanted Amicia bad at the start. They confront each other in the English camp for the second time (where he paid a ransom for both of them), where he tries to negotiate with her to give them Hugo and stop running. Later his methods change, telling the plain truth that there is nowehere for her to go out there (These methods of convincing show a lot of personality and insight especially in the boss fight).
Later on, it's mentioned Vitalis is going hard on him but "he is used to it". Again, their shared history is hinted. The hunt for Hugo is fruitless still, and the plague is spreading day-by-day.
Next we hear from him, is in the chapter where we visit the city with Amicia. Or rather, that he is not exactly participating in the mission killing the sick. Since him and Vitalis disagree with methods of solving the Plague, and he is occupied with catching Hugo, there is a possibility this order of slaughter was carried out without his consent. Though, this is a high take and it would be totally in character to do such a task in the means of self-preservation.
Amicia's visions of him from Penance is not reliable, but at the very same time she clearly dreamed what happened and it's likely she mixed reality with hallucinations from exhaust. If, the hallucinations were true, that means Hugo did hear Amicia, but Nicholas directly diverted his attention from her and led him away.
It's hard to speculate if he did this to let nature do its work, or to actually show mercy, which is equally possible, since it was clear from the beginning that even though she killed his men, he knew she is simply running and kills as a means to survive.
Now, as I explained earlier, many things go down when Hugo resides in the Bastion, and we can only guess what that causes. I mentioned Nicholas' growing distrust, now let me introduce you to the psychological denial he experiences during the boss fight, along with his reflections pointing at the children. The man, becoming the monster. The fire (another essay since fire in Plague Tale is symbolic) causing him to destroy himself.
In the chapter Remembrance he goes to the Château d'Ombrage along Hugo, to ensure the boy passes the threshold with killing his sister, with this enabling Vitalis to pass as well. At first, Nicholas is quite calm and confident, sending Hugo to kill her "Go, and do what has to be done.". Interestingly, despite this, he still has his sword prepared, which shows he still doesn't trust Hugo. Later on, he knocks Arthur out, but doesn't kill him senselessly, despite the fiasco at the English camp. He takes Amicia to Hugo, and now threatens him to kill her, or else he kills his mother in front of him. After that, he tells him, if Hugo does as he tells him so, maybe Vitalis keeps him by his side.
This could hint that only by accomplishments such as this, and proving devotion, can one remain important in Vitalis' eyes. Also, that maybe, Nicholas had to go through something similar, "She means nothing to you now".
Doubts and frantic impatience take hold, which ultimately lead him to take matters into his own hands. He decides to kill her, himself. As he pushes Hugo away, she calls him a bastard, which he then turns back at her, to question her morality and self-righteousness. She betrayed him, that is why he gave himself up. It can be perhaps far-fetched, but this also can count as self-reflection already. Betrayal -> causing giving up, which happens later to him too.
After Arthur "takes care of him" (not exactly...) and the siblings reunite, Nicholas wakes up and this time, immediately kills Arthur. The death is not just a shock value as many believe, it also shows the already progressing monster stepping forth, and losing humanity entirely.
The boss fight has three phases. His methods at provoking the children, and self-reflect change and become way more intense with time.
In the first phase, he tries to separate them and tells Amicia that he knows it must be difficult to live in the Carrier's shadow. Also, that they are terrified. He is poking at her most vulnerable place, their biggest fear, which's "face" is ultimately him. Also, reminding Amicia of her biggest desire, that is to be acknowledged by her parents. Especially this can count as self-reflective, since as I said earlier Nicholas likely noticed Hugo is slowly replacing him in Vitalis' eyes. The wish to excell, and be acknowledged for the devotion is a deep scar this character could carry. He also reminds them of how their father died, to remind them of honour, which Nicholas obviously has a twisted sense of.
In the second phase, his first voice line shows surprise and fear, and anger in response to those feelings. He is more reckless and aggressive too. Here, again, he manipulatively reminds them how little they can do, and threatens them. This is both calculated and instinctual, since he says such things to bring the children out of their hiding places, but at the very same time also because he is slowly losing himself. There are also lines which can be reflective to his beliefs and assumptions based on himself, such as: "Your sister won't be able to save you child.... You are alone." There were already connections made between how Vitalis saved him, and if one puts it all together, this line shows how he doesn't believe in the siblings' bond, because his own bond with Vitalis broke, and Nicholas is (alike to Hugo) alone. Or there is also the line "What do you think you can do? You are nothing. [...]" I wanted to highlight this line because Plague Tale (among many other things) is about the helplessness one faces trying to protect loved ones, and/or trying to rewrite their fates. The fact that Nicholas dehumanizes them entirely, shows he knows the fact one, them or him, cannot change the course that has been set, but he is still in denial trying to fight it (a lot like Amicia in Requiem, by the way. Also, fire (this is why that needs another essay....).
In the third phase, he becomes uncharacteristically reckless and desperate, where he succumbs to the wrath and, his fate. "Come to me, come into my arms my dear children." His sanity decreases and he knows death is unavoidable. The question left is whenever he can bring them down with himself or fails. And failure, is unacceptable. He is better dead, than failed. "I will teach you the meaning of sacrifice" this line shows that likely, he accepted his last quest knowing well he is going to die probably. That he rather burns himself, bring hell, than letting go. He keeps shouting the motto of his order, because that is the only thing that he clings to. It's pathetic and forced, inhumane. "[...] We'll die together" <-> "I will boil your blood until it spurts from your eyes", "You are going to pay, [...]" by this time, he keeps switching tactics at approaching and luring them out, frantic and monstrous. His words mean nothing by this time and desperation takes hold. What line of him is the purest, rawest, and most honest, between all the threads and claims, self-convincing attempts to maintain devoted is this: "The pain... To feel oneself alive... And deliver death." This line might seem like one among the many terrible threats, but it in fact shows his deepest belief. That is, of pain and life. Sacrifice and death. That those who live, have to kill, and that is what it means to exist in this world.
• In Plague Tale Innocence and Requiem, we see Amicia's development into a murderer who follows similarly blind committments.
She ultimately becomes, what she condemned, and what caused her great misery. What, in the end, she herself becomes if Hugo doesn't lead her on the right path. A monster.
So, to sum it all up, Lord Nicholas represents the human being of that time, whose identity is what he serves, and nothing else.
It makes one selfless, righteous, but at what cost? Violence spreads from one person to another, while everyone tries to save what is precious to them. Hope this helped seeing him as more human and with more personality. Cheers. A few more points I couldn't exactly integrate are the following:
• A few things showing the underlying morality and plain intentions: at first he tried to negotiate with both Robert, Amicia, and Beatrice as well. He condones stealing entirely. He doesn't kill Arthur at first.
• In the concept art he is left handed. In Middle Ages, left handed people were considered sinful, since it was the "devil's hand". This added with the self-punishing- self-destructive-Catholic mindset, added with his devotion, signs that he is penitent, and does what he should for a greater good, a salvation, and carries the burden of "sacrifice".

Essentially, I find it difficult to engage in activities that would enhance my life. It seems that despite knowing the positive outcomes associated with such endeavors, my brain seems resistant to participating in them. Could it be because my focus is more on the desired outcome rather than enjoying the activity itself? I often find myself admitting that I'm more interested in achieving the end result than in the process.
Let's say, I'm a computer science student. I've always been motivated by the financial rewards, but I've seldom considered whether I actually enjoy the work. Although I come up with innovative ideas, I tend to fixate solely on the output and lack the mental stability to delve into the problem and achieve that output.
Whenever I feel the need to improve myself or even just meet the minimum requirements, I feel overwhelmed and struggle to make any progress.
This pattern persists despite my awareness of the benefits I would reap from doing the work. What steps can I take to address this consistent mental drain?
Also I'm mostly sedentary and I don't want to play any sports or gym activity because I feel others point out my mistakes and it happened in my past and my childhood that they were not helpful but just dismissed me saying I can't play. And Im on the slim and fit side.

I’m trying to find a work life balance right now. I’m getting real tired of my job and schedule.
My priorities are sleep, working out 4 days a week, nutrition, family time, daily home responsibilities. No particular order. They’re all fairly important. And I’m going to be starting up part time school again.
Working consecutive days is not the answer I don’t think. Though two shifts would have to be consecutive because I can’t have a rotating schedule.
12 hours sometimes bleeds into 13 and 14 hours with mandatory holdovers plus a 30-45 minute commute each way. Fitting in the gym at the end of the day is tough time wise unless I don’t work the next day. Mathematically everything would have to be very efficient.

The main thing is: I don't think living is worth
For some context, I (22M) live a life that is objectively good or at least neutral: my family love me, got awesome friends, can choose any direction I would want in life, study in one of the best colleges on my country in an course that totally fits me and have a routine that makes all sense to me and it is supposed be the things I like the most on life (learn what I'm finding interesting at the moment as I wake up, study to the college and to my future job, go to the gym, play a game/watch some stuff/play guitar and go to sleep, while on weekends I usually go out with my friends).
I can't really see what I could possibly not like in my life (maybe my course but I'm not sure if it's not an actual consequence of how I feel) still most days suck. Look, I don't even work yet, but I have this feeling of life just being a checklist of obligations that you complete over the day and have some spare time to cope with it. There is no such a thing in my mind that compensates this "having to do stuff". I don't have any dreams, things I enjoyed are no longer fun, dealing with people is tiring (don't get me wrong, I love them, but I have no patience or energy for it anymore) and also have no purpose.
So here I am: no aspirations, no energy to do anything, a lot of hopelessness sometimes, way more impulsive than before and not caring about anything really lately, life is only passing by. Which makes me think I'm depressed (even though I couldn't get to go on a psychiatrist because it's really expensive here and therapy didn't change anything) and, as I can't see nothing in my life that could do this, it must be the way I see the world.
I think most people would call me pessimist although I consider myself realist. I just can't ignore how things are unfair and bad in general, every single day you can see another example of it, be it about money, beauty, choices or just an event that could change your whole life. Hard to explain but is quite common for me to see something bad and just conclude as "life/world sucks".
What I'm supposed to do then ? Because I don't think I can choose to believe now that world is magic and everything is good, no one actually believe this, they just found something that makes up to life sucking and I couldn't find it. Feel free to indicate any Dr. K videos too.

I have traveled a bit lately and have gotten behind on my thank you post, my deepest apologies, I know how it feels to send something out and not know if it ever got to its destination!
I deeply love this sub and am still amazed at how talented, kind and awesome you all are.
u/_pickupthepieces thanks for the Owl card and exchanging happy mail with me. Yes this week we have had plenty of sunshine!! Although temps are still yo-yoing.
u/amyt13 thank you so much for the Madeira postcard. Sounds like you had an amazing time there. I took my family there for New Year's Eve one year. I book a excursion on a boat with drinks and snacks, I few minutes before midnight they sail out in to the harbor. The fireworks display was truly AMAZING, they were going off in sync 360 degrees all around the boat.
u/articfox_12 thank you for the handmade postcard. Very clever idea to laminate and send. We did and will have a wonderful vacation. I like to travel about every month from March to Nov...
u/babyraspberry x 2 thank you for the Spring mail postcard and all the spring themed ephemera, good for you for taking Mable out for so many walks. I bet she loves it. Thank you too for the Munro's Books postcard, I love the Carl Sagan book quote. I really want to visit Vancouver Island, I hear their gardens are stunning!
u/cake-at-midnight thank you for the thank you postcard, I am glad you liked the birthday card I made for you :) I love my Cricut, I don't use it nearly as much as I should. You can create some amazing things with it!
u/cassius1213 thank you very much for the Awesome Eclipse postmarked postcard. Love that they actually created a specific postmark for the total eclipse.
u/DanerysWon lol love the ballerina hippo postcard, thanks so much, sounds like you had an amazing time at Disney. What a fun place to honeymoon too!
u/DaniGeek what a beautiful hummingbird card you found for me on your treasure hunt! And so fitting as I just saw my first hummingbird yesterday, finally!! Thanks for your book recommendations, it just so happens that I have not read Life of Pi but I just got tickets to see the theater production! I am trying to decide if I should read the book or watch the movie before I see the play. Thoughts? Redwall is a series I read with my son years ago. and the Dresden files is something my son also recently suggested.
u/doughe29 thank you for the Holland MI tulip card. I went to the tulip festival a few years back, very lovely. Yes, Cincy Zoo has a wonderful display of tulips, do come one year. It also has a great Holiday light display in Nov/Dec that is worth seeing.
u/duygusu thank you for the sparkly Awesome thank you card. I am glad you liked the card I sent, wishing you a quick settling in process. Thanks too for the pretty pansy sticker.
u/ez330 thank you for the Ohio Eclipse postcard. Did you not get to see it? We drove up to Dayton to the Air Museum and the clouds parted at just the right time for us to enjoy the majority of the eclipse. Love all the cool space themed stamps you used.
u/Ginger_ninjah thank you for the sunflower mini card and all the fun stickers. Sounds like you have been busy, still loving your Ninja food processor? LOL still shredding cheese?
u/HexagonalRainbow x 2 Thank you for the Legoland postcard. I could see how it would be really easy to spend way more money than intended at the Brick Factory. And a outlet store too - yikes! How many things have you built with what you bought though? I bet a ton of cool things. Secondly, thanks for the Mount Fuji postcard, very pretty! How did you qualification go for work?
u/keqani thanks for the Krieg postcard, love all the cute stickers you adorned the postcard with!
u/libertyprogrammer x 3 thank you for the Cincy OH postcard. Hmmm Leicester UK in 2044? Not sure I would make plans that far ahead lol. Thank you for the Houses of Parliament postcard, I walked around that area so often, I will respond to your update soon. Believe it or not I just today got your postcard you sent from Kruger National Park! It is dated Dec 20th. Can't believe it took so long to find its way to me. Awesome that you saw so many amazing animals!!
u/Mediocre_Radish_7216 thanks for the wonderful and cute snail mail postcard. You should do a scavenger hunt sometime, I had so much fun with it.
u/melhen16 Thank you for the National Postcard Week rainbow postcard, and thanks for the history lesson on the birth of the postcard, wonder what John Charlton would think about the industry he started?!
u/Mysteryvus x 2 thank you for the beautiful lemon thank you card, it is really very pretty. I am glad you liked the bday card I made as I thought about the things you mentioned you liked. Thanks to for the travel postcard, I really do like to travel. I am calling the travel agent my friend used tomorrow to start the planning of our Australia/NZ trip :) wish me luck!
u/ninayjang thank you for the Rome postcard, I love those art type postcards. I will tell you more about my NM trip soon.
u/PinkPengin thank you for the birds and penguin upcycle postcard. Good to hear from you my friend. I too have a pile of things I am supposed to finish up......I keep getting distracted with making travel plans, people visiting, or one of many other things that grabs my attention.
u/princecowboy thank you for the pen and ink dog face postcard. You were absolutely right, by the time I got this you had made it to your 100 flair - Congrats again. And by now you have received my 100 flair congrats card LOL.
u/purpleroots thank you for the CRAVE postcard with all your doodles :)
u/raspberrypoppyseed thank you for the awesome Disney Gang postcard. Did you have an amazing visit? Did you see any of the parades? They are one of my favorite things to do there.
u/rennbrig thank you for the beautiful artwork postcard of "Shaw Island Meadow" it really is so pretty, so glad you reached your sending goal :)
u/TheFeistyFox thank you so much for my sticker bomb scavenger birthday card, it was fun getting something to stretch my bday celebration this far :) thanks for the washi samples too, love the watermelon!!
u/TyeDyeAmish thank you for the bull fighting postcard, I would have to agree, the bulls probably don't like it! It is not something that I would want to see. I have heard how they are done and I just don't think I could watch it.
u/zenshark33 x 2 thank you for the Happy Spring orange flowers postcard, I have moved several times and the think I like the most is getting rid of things so I don't have to move them, so I am right there with you! Thank you for the purple flower Random Happy Mail postcard, always fun to get unexpected happy mail!
u/Zznightzzz thank you for the birthday postcard from my Scavenger hunt! I loved hearing all about your island and the people there. No problem on its delay in getting sent, been there, done that!! I love that you sent it. I still have one other person that I have not received from so if it makes you feel better you aren't the last one :)
u/wabisabi_sf, u/ninajyang and u/littlemermaidxx thank you so much for the Meet Up postcard from the SF stamp show. What a great venue to meet up and get together!!

my pain goes away for 2 seconds when i am mean to people i perceive hurt me.
for example when im in crying fits blaming everyone for my suicide i take jabs at anyone in my sight and is usually one of my family members. i want them to feel the suffering i feel so often. i know it’s not right and i feel intense guilt and self hatred after. i want to see a therapist but i’ve seen a lot in life and i didn’t have a good experience with most.

• Follows their own rules, disregards society.
• Masters their emotions completely.
• Cares little for the consequences of their actions. They're in it for the fun.
• Never loses sight of the big picture, the meaning of life, the reason we're here.

Now, I understand that in the case of psychopaths these qualities are not attained, and that they are not the result of self-mastery and abundance, but of a neurological deformity, expressing itself as a fundamental lack of empathy. These come at the highest price, these people are unable to love anything or anyone, consequently they are unable to feel happiness beyond momentary gratification. It's thought provoking how much a lack of empathy can determine!
In the case of the "regular" higher man, these qualities are a supreme achievement, not because of their existence, but because of their development despite empathy. In the case of Nietzsche himself, it is understandable that the virtuoso of self-overcoming would view such a drift from his own excessive emotionality as an achievement, an attainment that signifies excellence and masterful scaffolding of his nature. Denying nature any more access than is reasonable, a philosopher's ideal! That is why, observed Frau Overbeck, that Nietzsche came to admire Stendhal!
That is the man fit to enjoy life, and is also the man that precisely a type of man like Nietzsche should aspire to become, being by nature, the anti-psychopath. I wrote a post here last year noting that Nietzsche's ideals have too much of Nietzsche in them. I guess this is more evidence.

Please pardon my incoming french. Im 31, I'm active and fit. I've been noticing caffeine affects me more and more everyday as I get older. I wake up at 8 30 - 9am, drink my first cup around 9 30. The first cup is always amazing. I feel amazing, the day is amazing. Everything is fantastic. Then a few hours go by and I gradually start to feel like shit.
First, my armpits start sweating. In fact, my armpits have sweat so much from caffeine that I constantly battle a yeast infection that comes and goes on my armpits. Afterwards, I start to feel tired / unwell. This is when I take my second cup. The second cup is never as good as the first. It works, but there is a perfect amount of caffeine that I have to balance with the second cup, or I'm off the coffee teeter totter and I feel like shit. Then a few hours later, usually around 4 or 5pm, I take my third cup. When my third cup happens I feel like garbage, but after 7pm or so I feel normal. 7pm till 12 - 1am when I go to bed I feel the most normal, I feel even, and my arm pits stop sweating.
For the last month I've been trying to quit caffeine. So far I haven't done it methodologically. Sort of like when you are trying to save money but not sitting down and planning it out. So I've been trying to, you know, just not have that third cup, not have the second one, ect. Today I realized, caffeine is not going down without a fight and is not fucking around.
Today I had large cold brew in the morning (substantially more than my usual morning cup). I did not have my second cup. Neither did I had my third. I was sitting on my couch and got up to have some dinner. When I stood up and walked to the kitchen I had this feeling of impending doom and almost like I was going to pass out. I was scared. I had an internal dialog "No way this is from the caffeine. Surely it can't do this to me. There most be something bad going on here. Maybe I should call 911." I told my gf I didn't feel good and had to take a walk. Before I went I said to myself "This is most likely the caffeine." So I grabbed coffee grounds from the coffee jar and ate those suckers raw. Holy shit I'm an addict I thought to myself. I just grabbed raw coffee grounds from the fucking jar like a deprived lunatic.
On the walk I could barely keep my head up. I could walk fine, but felt awful. Gradually I was coming back to life, about an hour after the walk I felt normal again. During the time I was back from the walk I looked up my symptoms and came to this beautiful subreddit and binge read posts on here for 45min straight. I'm not alone thank God. Now I'm writing this post.
This has to end. I can't do this anymore. I'm going to measure out every single one of my dosages of coffee everyday. I'm going to only make my coffee at home and use my french press with the SAME exact grounds every time. I'm going to measure the grounds out, and then measure the amount of liquid coffee I'm pouring in a cup. I'm going to gradually lessen my dosage overtime. I have no idea by how much everyday, but I'm dedicated here. Not a drip of caffeine will be consumed outside of this regime.
Feel free to give me some pointers.

Hot 50 Spotify Playlist // #1s Spotify Playlist // Every Song to Ever Chart (Credit to FLLH for this amazing playlist!)

Popheads Weekly Hot 50: Week of May 13, 2024

For this chart issue, we tracked everyone's top 10s from Thursday May 2, 12:00 PM GMT to the next Thursday May 9, 11:59 AM GMT.

#	Artist - Song	Prev. Position	Peak	Weeks	Points	# of Listeners and #1
1	Sabrina Carpenter - Espresso	#1 (=)	#1	4 wks	6457.5	105 of 641 listeners had the song as their #1.
2	Dua Lipa - End Of an Era	NEW	#2	1 wk	4537.5	43 of 514 listeners had the song as their #1.
3	Dua Lipa - These Walls	NEW	#3	1 wk	4352.5	32 of 514 listeners had the song as their #1.
4	Dua Lipa - Illusion	#12 (+8)	#4	3 wks	4013.5	24 of 490 listeners had the song as their #1.
5	Dua Lipa - Whatcha Doing	NEW	#5	1 wk	3451.5	22 of 435 listeners had the song as their #1.
6	Dua Lipa - Falling Forever	NEW	#6	1 wk	3435.0	25 of 433 listeners had the song as their #1.
7	Dua Lipa - Houdini	RE-ENTRY	#1	24 wks	3319.0	14 of 445 listeners had the song as their #1.
8	Chappell Roan - Good Luck, Babe!	#2 (-6)	#1	5 wks	3160.5	37 of 338 listeners had the song as their #1.
9	Dua Lipa - French Exit	NEW	#9	1 wk	2952.0	9 of 397 listeners had the song as their #1.
10	Dua Lipa - Training Season	RE-ENTRY	#1	9 wks	2874.0	10 of 395 listeners had the song as their #1.

The Popheads Chart Video from u/rickikardashian will be coming soon!

If you want to see the points and number of listeners for each song in the top 50 chart, click here

• Highest Debut: #2. Dua Lipa - End of An Era
• Highest Re-Entry: #7. Dua Lipa - Houdini
• Biggest Gain: #4. Dua Lipa - Illusion / #16. Kendrick Lamar - Euphoria (+8)
• Biggest Decrease: #38. Taylor Swift - Fresh Out The Slammer (-22)

Popheads Top 5 Bubbling Under Chart May 13th, 2024

Artist	Song	Genre
WILLOW	symptom of life	Alt Pop
Drake	Family Matters	oh drake… you never learn
Bambie Thug	Doomsday Blue	Eurovision
Shaboozey	A Bar Song (Tipsy)	How tf has this not been on the charts yet?
Justice & Tame Impala	Neverender	Electronic

Personal Chart of the Week

One of the joys some people have on the chart is seeing their own impact on the chart. Whether its seeing your #1 song at #1, or seeing it bubbling under, people like seeing songs they like being adored by other users. In this section, one lucky chart participant will see their own chart and the impact it had on the full chart this week. NOTE: In the case of charts exceeding 15 songs, I will trim down the lowest tie to fit the chart by using the songs that charted the highest (or are funniest). This week, we have the chart of hekna02!

Rank	Song	Their Points	Actual Rank	Total Points
1	Dua Lipa - Illusion	15.0	#4	4013.5
2	Dua Lipa - Whatcha Doing	14.0	#5	3451.5
3	Dua Lipa - Falling Forever	12.5	#6	3435.0
3	Dua Lipa - Training Season	12.5	#10	2874.0
5	Dua Lipa - End Of an Era	9.5	#2	4537.5
5	Dua Lipa - Houdini	9.5	#7	3319.0
5	Dua Lipa - Maria	9.5	#12	2341.0
5	Dua Lipa - These Walls	9.5	#3	4352.5
9	Dua Lipa - French Exit	7.0	#9	2952.0
10	Dua Lipa - Happy for You	6.0	#13	2236.5

If you’d like to have your top 10 shown in a future installment, PLEASE USE THIS GOOGLE FORM! Also, if you sign up for this PLEASE also sign up for the actual charts, with the form found below.
Here's the current list of people signed up for the charts!

If you'd like to sign up for the charts, you can sign up here!

The tracking dates for the next weekly chart is May 2, 11:00 PM GMT - May 9, 10:59 AM GMT and results will come out the next Monday, May 13.

How The Chart Works:

These charts are created based on how frequently each song appears in the top 10 songs/albums for all of the users signed up for the chart. If the song or album occupies that user's #1 spot in their individual chart, it receives 15 points, then 14 points for #2, so on and so forth until 6 points for #10. If there is a tie, which is a common occurrence, then the number of points is averaged across those positions, e.g. if two songs are tied for #1, both will receive 14.5 points. Oftentimes there will be multiple songs tied for the last place, in which case the number of points each song receives decreases until it bottoms out at 1 point each.

Credits

• Reddit Post Author / Chart Runner: ImADudeDuh
• Spotify Playlist Cover Art Designer / Wiki Editor: kyrgyzzephyr
• Crownnote Author : Tedyonce
• Video Editor: rickikardashian

Chart Wiki
Last Week’s Chart
Link to an archive of all charts [Credit to u/bright_baby_blue for the website!]