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Yung Lean
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2024.05.14 21:32 Huge_Peak6142 [UK] I dont know where my son is
The situation:
Me and my ex-fiance broke up a month before she gave birth to our child. Initially we agreed that I was going to be at the birth. However, after we broke up, she did not want me there. I came to terms with this and was okay with it as this was her right/choice. We were still in communication during this time (after we broke up), and we were civil, even flirtatious. Leading up to the birth she got paranoid that I was cheating on her or sleeping with other women as my location was not at my house but on the street behind me, i explained to her that iPhone geolocation isn't always accurate, and i even offered to face time her to prove that I am where I am but she did not respond to my requsts. My ex's phone stopped working so i had no contact with her for 1 weeks straight out of concern i called her mother to see if she was okay as they live together, and her mother started slandering me saying that i got her pregnant and now ive left her a month before she was due, the breakup was mutual and agreed on both sides, and for our child we planned on co parenting effectivly.She started calling me a bitch and slandering my religon (islam) and became racist even though her daughter is half white and half indian, she also threatened me with force and threatend the police on me even though i hadnt done anything. I let the abuse slide as i didnt want to winde up any tension or make the sitatuion/breakup worse. My friends advised me to apologise for the hurt the breakup caused which i did.
1 week later, My ex texted me the night before at like 1am she was induced into labour that she was going to be induced and i asked her if she needs anything or wants me there, she said there isnt anything she needs and she said not to come and said it can take days until our son is born. 4 hours after this text she had given birth, but i had not been told this, and i had missed my sons birth. I recieve a text from bitter mother the next day that "he is here now come and see him". I was the last person to be contacted, her friends and family were all notifed immediatley, but they willingly contacted me late knowing that i wanted to be there (not in delivery room but in the hospital). The friends and family all saw my son before me and i knew this because of social media posts. I travelled from birmingham to london imediatly to see our son. When i arrived at the hospital, I was bitter because i was notifed last so i decided not to speak to her family and friends and see my son as the nurses allowed me. Upon picking up my son, My exs grandmother, my sons great grand mother, said "he will not be raised muslim, this is england not india, we dont do that here", her mother then proceedes to say he will eat what his grandmother feeds him, knowing i want my son to be muslim and eat halal food. She says why werent you here earlier, why are you here hours later making out to seem that i was some neglectful father who didnt care, her grand mother then policed me on how to pick up my child, how to hold him and how to change nappies, and threatend to kick me out, the nurse overheard this and said to her that i have a right to be here and i have 24hrs viewing access. then there was silence.
. They kept sayiing you should have been in london already we told you to book an airbnb in london, but i planned on booking it the day she was going into labour as that is when my paternity leave was due to start, i could not afford to pay a 300-400 so i can be there a week early.
I couldnt speak to my ex when I was at the hospital as they were in seperate wards, my son was in a special care unit and she was in her ward. So i spent a few hours with him. After the day had finished, it was too late and she had gone to sleep so i didnt want to disturb her so i went to my the hotel i booked.
I sent my ex a nice text saying thank you for delivering our son .etc and send gifts and flowers. I told her that my friends and family are coming down the next day from birmingham to see him. I walk into the hospital, and my exs mother started swearing at me saying im so horrible for not speaking to my ex after she had just given birth, and kept portaying me to be a cunt, she said that the messages and gifts dont mean anything even though my intentions in my text were me being grateful and thankful for the delivery of our son. She said your family and friends arent allowed to come, they have no right to be here, and said that she is going to get me banned from seeing my son if they come. I didnt believe or take serious what she said so ignored her and went to see my ex who was now with our son. my ex didnt speak to me once even though i tried to speak. A few hours later i went to grab lunch, and my family had already set of at this time. I told my ex that they are coming down to see him, and she said no, they dont have her permission to our son, eventhough no one from her side asked for my permission to vist and take photos. I couldnt believe what she was saying, she said that I couldnt see him at this point. Her mother overheard this, and said they she will ban them from coming but i laughed saying how and why are they doing this? I then get told that they will raise a safeguarding claim so im not allowed in the hospital. after my lunch i call the the head nurse to see if he is okay and if i can come down, and i am told that there is a safe guarding claim, and i cannot see my son, and they cannot dicuss anything about him to me as i am not on the birth certficate/i am not married. Eventhough this safeguarding claim is absolutely fictiuous. My family arrive and i had to turn them away. Since that day (2nd day of son being born), I have not seen him or heard of him. My ex has gone no contact and is not replying to any of my texts even though has read them. Throughout this entire situation my friends advised me to "bite my tongue and keep a level head" and ignore the abuse as it isnt the time or the place to have such discussions.
In navigating this challenging situation, my main concern is ensuring my son's well-being and maintaining a meaningful presence in his life. Despite my efforts to communicate and explore mediation options, my ex-partner's lack of response has added to the complexity of the situation.
Given the circumstances, I'm seriously considering seeking either full custody of my son, shared custody if that is a thing in the UK. I don't have access to the birth certificate but I know that they have no disclosed me on it. I've gathered compelling evidence regarding my ex-partner's living situation and behaviors, including substance abuse and instability within her household. It's clear that my son's best interests are at stake, and I'm committed to providing him with a safe and nurturing environment.
In terms of my own situation, I'm fortunate to have stable housing, financial stability, and flexibility in my schedule due to being a full-time student with part-time work (1 year left until i am a full time teacher, she isnt working and does not plan to and live on social welfare for the foreseeable future). I'm prepared to provide the stability and support that my son needs.
As I weigh my options, I'm considering pursuing shared custody initially, with the possibility of addressing schooling arrangements in court later on. Alternatively, I'm contemplating seeking full custody from the outset, given the concerns about my ex-partner's ability to provide a suitable environment for our son's upbringing. I do not want to take my child away completely from his mother as this is not right/islamic at all, I want us to coparent effectively so our son is raised with both parents. but this no contact thing makes it seem impossible. she has rejected to showing me the birth certificate and refused medations, (the mediator called her)
Ultimately, my chances of winning full custody will depend on various factors, including the strength of the evidence I've gathered and the court's assessment of what is in my son's best interests. Seeking guidance from a legal expert who specialises in family law will be crucial as I navigate this process.
My primary focus remains on ensuring that my son receives the love, care, and stability he deserves, regardless of the legal complexities involved.
Update: I have also contacted the police about the abusive behaviours from the my ex's mother. Id like to also mention that my son has a serious heart defect, and my exs mother is a habitual smoker regularly smoking cannabis and cigarettes, which is not ideal and can worsen his heart. he is due for an operation but I don't know when this is but I know its within the coming months. but I do not want him in a household that will hurt his health due to innapproiate care.
submitted by Huge_Peak6142 to Custody [link] [comments]
Me and my ex-fiance broke up a month before she gave birth to our child. Initially we agreed that I was going to be at the birth. However, after we broke up, she did not want me there. I came to terms with this and was okay with it as this was her right/choice. We were still in communication during this time (after we broke up), and we were civil, even flirtatious. Leading up to the birth she got paranoid that I was cheating on her or sleeping with other women as my location was not at my house but on the street behind me, i explained to her that iPhone geolocation isn't always accurate, and i even offered to face time her to prove that I am where I am but she did not respond to my requsts. My ex's phone stopped working so i had no contact with her for 1 weeks straight out of concern i called her mother to see if she was okay as they live together, and her mother started slandering me saying that i got her pregnant and now ive left her a month before she was due, the breakup was mutual and agreed on both sides, and for our child we planned on co parenting effectivly.She started calling me a bitch and slandering my religon (islam) and became racist even though her daughter is half white and half indian, she also threatened me with force and threatend the police on me even though i hadnt done anything. I let the abuse slide as i didnt want to winde up any tension or make the sitatuion/breakup worse. My friends advised me to apologise for the hurt the breakup caused which i did.
1 week later, My ex texted me the night before at like 1am she was induced into labour that she was going to be induced and i asked her if she needs anything or wants me there, she said there isnt anything she needs and she said not to come and said it can take days until our son is born. 4 hours after this text she had given birth, but i had not been told this, and i had missed my sons birth. I recieve a text from bitter mother the next day that "he is here now come and see him". I was the last person to be contacted, her friends and family were all notifed immediatley, but they willingly contacted me late knowing that i wanted to be there (not in delivery room but in the hospital). The friends and family all saw my son before me and i knew this because of social media posts. I travelled from birmingham to london imediatly to see our son. When i arrived at the hospital, I was bitter because i was notifed last so i decided not to speak to her family and friends and see my son as the nurses allowed me. Upon picking up my son, My exs grandmother, my sons great grand mother, said "he will not be raised muslim, this is england not india, we dont do that here", her mother then proceedes to say he will eat what his grandmother feeds him, knowing i want my son to be muslim and eat halal food. She says why werent you here earlier, why are you here hours later making out to seem that i was some neglectful father who didnt care, her grand mother then policed me on how to pick up my child, how to hold him and how to change nappies, and threatend to kick me out, the nurse overheard this and said to her that i have a right to be here and i have 24hrs viewing access. then there was silence.
. They kept sayiing you should have been in london already we told you to book an airbnb in london, but i planned on booking it the day she was going into labour as that is when my paternity leave was due to start, i could not afford to pay a 300-400 so i can be there a week early.
I couldnt speak to my ex when I was at the hospital as they were in seperate wards, my son was in a special care unit and she was in her ward. So i spent a few hours with him. After the day had finished, it was too late and she had gone to sleep so i didnt want to disturb her so i went to my the hotel i booked.
I sent my ex a nice text saying thank you for delivering our son .etc and send gifts and flowers. I told her that my friends and family are coming down the next day from birmingham to see him. I walk into the hospital, and my exs mother started swearing at me saying im so horrible for not speaking to my ex after she had just given birth, and kept portaying me to be a cunt, she said that the messages and gifts dont mean anything even though my intentions in my text were me being grateful and thankful for the delivery of our son. She said your family and friends arent allowed to come, they have no right to be here, and said that she is going to get me banned from seeing my son if they come. I didnt believe or take serious what she said so ignored her and went to see my ex who was now with our son. my ex didnt speak to me once even though i tried to speak. A few hours later i went to grab lunch, and my family had already set of at this time. I told my ex that they are coming down to see him, and she said no, they dont have her permission to our son, eventhough no one from her side asked for my permission to vist and take photos. I couldnt believe what she was saying, she said that I couldnt see him at this point. Her mother overheard this, and said they she will ban them from coming but i laughed saying how and why are they doing this? I then get told that they will raise a safeguarding claim so im not allowed in the hospital. after my lunch i call the the head nurse to see if he is okay and if i can come down, and i am told that there is a safe guarding claim, and i cannot see my son, and they cannot dicuss anything about him to me as i am not on the birth certficate/i am not married. Eventhough this safeguarding claim is absolutely fictiuous. My family arrive and i had to turn them away. Since that day (2nd day of son being born), I have not seen him or heard of him. My ex has gone no contact and is not replying to any of my texts even though has read them. Throughout this entire situation my friends advised me to "bite my tongue and keep a level head" and ignore the abuse as it isnt the time or the place to have such discussions.
In navigating this challenging situation, my main concern is ensuring my son's well-being and maintaining a meaningful presence in his life. Despite my efforts to communicate and explore mediation options, my ex-partner's lack of response has added to the complexity of the situation.
Given the circumstances, I'm seriously considering seeking either full custody of my son, shared custody if that is a thing in the UK. I don't have access to the birth certificate but I know that they have no disclosed me on it. I've gathered compelling evidence regarding my ex-partner's living situation and behaviors, including substance abuse and instability within her household. It's clear that my son's best interests are at stake, and I'm committed to providing him with a safe and nurturing environment.
In terms of my own situation, I'm fortunate to have stable housing, financial stability, and flexibility in my schedule due to being a full-time student with part-time work (1 year left until i am a full time teacher, she isnt working and does not plan to and live on social welfare for the foreseeable future). I'm prepared to provide the stability and support that my son needs.
As I weigh my options, I'm considering pursuing shared custody initially, with the possibility of addressing schooling arrangements in court later on. Alternatively, I'm contemplating seeking full custody from the outset, given the concerns about my ex-partner's ability to provide a suitable environment for our son's upbringing. I do not want to take my child away completely from his mother as this is not right/islamic at all, I want us to coparent effectively so our son is raised with both parents. but this no contact thing makes it seem impossible. she has rejected to showing me the birth certificate and refused medations, (the mediator called her)
Ultimately, my chances of winning full custody will depend on various factors, including the strength of the evidence I've gathered and the court's assessment of what is in my son's best interests. Seeking guidance from a legal expert who specialises in family law will be crucial as I navigate this process.
My primary focus remains on ensuring that my son receives the love, care, and stability he deserves, regardless of the legal complexities involved.
Update: I have also contacted the police about the abusive behaviours from the my ex's mother. Id like to also mention that my son has a serious heart defect, and my exs mother is a habitual smoker regularly smoking cannabis and cigarettes, which is not ideal and can worsen his heart. he is due for an operation but I don't know when this is but I know its within the coming months. but I do not want him in a household that will hurt his health due to innapproiate care.
2024.05.14 21:32 Acrobatic-Housing260 New to this subreddit!
Hi! I’m a 20 year old woman who is using Reddit for dating for the first time. I’ve used tinder, hinge, etc, but I’ve been curious as to what it’s like using this
Hopefully he’s out here!
My ideal type is someone super handsome and may seem bad on the outside, but is a huge softie on the inside. Someone who has the personality but the looks being a bonus. Someone who I can tell everything too. Someone who can tell that I’m feeling something just by how I’m acting or speaking. My ideal age range (dealbreaker) is someone 18-22. No more than 2-3 years older or younger.
Someone who has a big heart and has a life outside of me too- family and friends.
I don’t mind alcohol or smoking- just as long as it’s not every single day.
This is me
Nice to meet you all!
submitted by Acrobatic-Housing260 to dating [link] [comments]
Hopefully he’s out here!
My ideal type is someone super handsome and may seem bad on the outside, but is a huge softie on the inside. Someone who has the personality but the looks being a bonus. Someone who I can tell everything too. Someone who can tell that I’m feeling something just by how I’m acting or speaking. My ideal age range (dealbreaker) is someone 18-22. No more than 2-3 years older or younger.
Someone who has a big heart and has a life outside of me too- family and friends.
I don’t mind alcohol or smoking- just as long as it’s not every single day.
This is me
Nice to meet you all!
2024.05.14 21:32 thornnanook Just got a mediocre performance review
I just started a new job 3 weeks ago in carpentry, when I got the job offer they told me my starting pay and that after a couple weeks they’d give me a raise based on my performance.
Today one of the bosses called me, and while what I’m doing I guess isn’t bad he said that after talking to the project leads there was two things. 1, too many smoke breaks. 2, not helping with deadlines ( just not pulling my weight or doing enough).
He was very polite and made it very clear it was just to help me and they want me to succeed with the company. I just feel like shit though, I’ll obviously work on those things 100% but starting in carpentry with no experience it’s so hard to even try and know how to help people, especially when they have me working with two more experienced guys who prefer to do it all themselves and I just do the grunt work which is understandable, it just puts me in a bad position where I can’t learn and they don’t wanna teach it with me.
I’ll try to be more hands on and such but it’s hard to even know when to start when you’re not completely sure of what to do. Hopefully starting tomorrow I’ll have a new outlook and do what I can.
It also doesn’t help the guys they asked are all buddy buddy so I’m the odd man out on job sites. I just feel very demoralized and upset.
submitted by thornnanook to Advice [link] [comments]
Today one of the bosses called me, and while what I’m doing I guess isn’t bad he said that after talking to the project leads there was two things. 1, too many smoke breaks. 2, not helping with deadlines ( just not pulling my weight or doing enough).
He was very polite and made it very clear it was just to help me and they want me to succeed with the company. I just feel like shit though, I’ll obviously work on those things 100% but starting in carpentry with no experience it’s so hard to even try and know how to help people, especially when they have me working with two more experienced guys who prefer to do it all themselves and I just do the grunt work which is understandable, it just puts me in a bad position where I can’t learn and they don’t wanna teach it with me.
I’ll try to be more hands on and such but it’s hard to even know when to start when you’re not completely sure of what to do. Hopefully starting tomorrow I’ll have a new outlook and do what I can.
It also doesn’t help the guys they asked are all buddy buddy so I’m the odd man out on job sites. I just feel very demoralized and upset.
2024.05.14 21:31 whatitdoshordy We live beside our BIL/SIL
This is the first time I have had a truly negative experience with inlaws (I’ve been lucky I know), And maybe im out of line somewhere but its been weighing heavy on me for a while now. Warning this is very long im sorry!
Me and my bf have been living together for a year now and our SIL and my bfs brother are neighours. When I first moved in I thought the dynamic would be so fun and we could all hangout together! My boyfriend however, was never crazy about the idea. Now I see why.
Anyway, time goes on and my bf and I wanted to go to a rodeo and I thought it would be fun to go us 4 (us and the BIL/SIL). So we invite them and they tag along. When we showed up we realized they had no beer tents or alcohol vendors there, ok that sucks but whatever we are here for the rodeo! Oh no, not my BIL. The whole time we are watching from the grand stands, it is non stop complaining about how much this sucks and that theres no booze. Finally, the main event is about to start and he decides we all need to leave because ‘this f*cking sucks!’. At this point im holding back tears because I was genuinely anticipating this event for weeks. The SIL was laughing off his behaviour and not saying anything and my bf was visibly annoyed. This was the cause of one of my boyfriend and I’s first real ‘fights’, although it wasn’t his fault; he did warn me. We didn’t have to invite them to this event but yet we did, and BIL ruined it. So that was my first red flag.
Red flag #2: Errands/favours. Every now and again they would text us and ask if we had extras of something they could use (cheese slices, water bottles, etc.) Which we are more than happy to help out once in a while! But it started becoming frequent. To the point where okay did you guys even bother to do a grocery, when they were both working in town that same day. My bf and I very rarely ask for anything as we are both very independent and organized, we usually have everything we need at the house or if not we make substitutions or do without. It was getting to the point where I couldn’t open their snapchats at the end of my shift because it was most likely them asking for us to pick up something for them. I lowkey (highkey) felt like an uber eats driver! On the other end, BIL who has a border line drinking problem always taking beers off my bf. Apparently it was much worse before I moved in but essentially BIL will ask us if we have any beers before hes finished his last one. It’s gotten to the point where he walks right into the house and opens our beer fridge to look for some (um wtf knock? this is OUR HOUSE not your kitchen also we could be naked like holy shit.) I feel like I almost have to hide my drink when I go outside because if he sees me with one he will want one. Also, both the BIL and SIL work in town, if they know they are running low they should stock up, constantly bumming stuff off us gets old really fast. My bf constantly asks his brother ‘you didnt buy yourself more?’ to which he usually replies ‘well i am out’ (what kind of answer is that lmao). And we live literally 5 minutes away from a store that sells beer, he could send his wife to get some more (but no she doesn’t want to leave the house). Needless to say, they make their poor planning and laziness OUR problem. At one point it got so bad one sunday morning his brother walked over and asked if we have cream for his coffee. We only had the starbucks flavoured creamer so we offered that and I kid you not he says ‘Ew why dont you have regular creamer i wont drink that!’ WHY DONT YOU HAVE CREAMER. Like the entitlement was insane, my bf told him to go get his own creamer and BIL huffed and puffed back to his house. After that incident they stopped for a while but as of now the beer bumming is still very much happening. Just yesterday he walked right in, asked my bf if he had any beers, he lied and said no. BIL walked to and opened our fridge and grabbed beers anyway ‘you do have beers’. Well dont you think if we said no we probably dont want you having them? The entitlement and absolute disrespect of our boundaries was evident. I feel so torn with this kind of thing because you don’t want to be rude and come off selfish by telling them no, but at the same time they are taking advantage of how close we live to each other and for them its convenient to keep doing it and I feel like its not our responsibility at a certain point. Additionally, if we did the same to them, they would not appreciate it. I also notice how my bf and I rarely ask for favours but when we do (ex. bf needs a ride to the garage), they are always conveniently busy. The whole situation is giving selfish.
Red flag #3: Disrespecting our stuff. Last summer my mom’s boyfriend had passed from cancer, and at the same time I was moving in to my bfs. She had given me their very nice blow up pool since she wont have any use for it but she didn’t want to get rid of it either because it was sentimental. We took it, blew it up in the yard and used it in the beginning of summer, it was awesome! My boyfriend had mentioned that his brother hated the way it looked in the yard and thought it looked trashy, (we share our yard but had it on our side). I thought oh well he can have his opinion but its our pool and we are allowed to have it, they also have a small pool they put on the deck for their dog so I didn’t understand the reasoning. Anyway, summer ends and I wasn’t paying much attention but the pool was out of the yard, I had assumed my bf had put it back in its box and in the shed for the winter. So spring comes along and Im walking in the backyard doing something and I notice a plastic blue thing behind the shed covered by sharp metal and wood and its really buried in there. I inspect it closer and I realize it’s the pool! Assuming it was my bf I called him upset asking why he would treat my stuff that way. He assured me it wasn’t him and that he thought that I had put it away for the winter. We both paused and knew right away what really happened. His brother had thrown it behind the shed and covered it. I was baffled at the fact that he had the audacity to take it upon himself to take something that didn’t belong to him and throw it behind the shed like garbage because he didn’t like it. If they had something on their side of the yard that I didn’t like that does NOT give me the right to get rid of it or destroy it! He could have asked us to put it away and even at that it still doesn’t give him the right to dispose of it. My bf confronted him about it and his exact words were ‘I dont give a f*ck.’ My bf has told me he has done this kind of thing before when my bf wanted to sell his budlight umbrella on market place and his brother took it upon himself to take the umbrella and burn it in the fire pit while my bf was on a work trip. I just can’t believe someone can be so inconsiderate and show no respect for another persons property.
Red flag #4: SIL is not self aware at all and has a guise of being a sweet, quiet person but her actions say different. First and foremost, she has a huge issue with the MIL, that is a whole other story but to say the least she has some valid issues with the MIL i will not deny. But, a lot of the things she detests about the MIL she is guilty of herself. In my opinion, they are very similar people and they don’t even realize it. She claims MIL has a huge issue with boundaries and always wants to be part of all the plans that they make. She argues the MIL dictates and controls the situation every time, even if its a plan they invited her to (keep that in mind later). She is right she does do that. It is a very valid thing to have an issue with but on the other end they always want to do stuff with us when we dont! In the past we do and the BIL never DD’s, always gets fucked up on booze or if there isn’t freaks out (the rodeo). The SIL excuses it thinks its cute or has an attitude of ‘aw boys will be boys’ ( drunks will behave like drunks). SIL always wants to be home early for her dog or to smoke weed or both, which is fine if she takes her own vehicle but when she doesn’t its quite a bummer for the rest of us who are having a good time and dont want to exactly leave right when the fun starts. This happens a lot at family events. When SIL wants to leave early she will usually pawn off her husband to us to drive him home, which is not pleasant most of the time when he is drinking because he gets incoherently drunk and argumentative. SIL also dislikes the fact that MIL is very performative and makes out her life to be perfect, and pretends the very real and ever going family issues don’t exist. She is partially right about that but seeing both perspectives I can honestly say SIL is just as if not more performative than MIL. The most obvious reason for her being this way is the fact that she is her husbands biggest enabler. If my bf acted the way BIL acted I would not continue the relationship, but if I did I believe your duty as a partner is to keep each other in check and grow together. Instead, she often laughs it off and has the sentiment that thats just who he is. If she wants to leave early she pretty much gives us no choice but to give him a ride and its hard to say no considering we are neighbours ‘you’ll drive him home right? i told him not to be rude this time!’ (He almost always is, and drunk or sober never says thankyou btw). SIL also does this thing that I never noticed before because it was so subtle and I am trying not to think the worst of people, but until my friends and coworkers confirmed it with me I realized it was rude. So at first, I was still getting to know SIL and I honestly thought she was super down to earth and level headed I felt like I could confide to her and truly build a friendship. To preface, my boyfriend and I have a very happy relationship, but we, just like every other couple, have disagreements from time to time. Unfortunately I chose to vent to her at first and she would always reply something along the lines of ‘my husband NEVER does that, we are so good at communicating’ or ‘My husband always likes when I do that :)’. And the first times I thought nothing of it but then it dawned on me that she wasn’t being helpful, she was just complimenting herself while also putting my relationship down. Once I noticed this, I didn’t stop noticing it. I told her once how I regretted making fun of someone in high school while I was young and dumb and she replied ‘Oh, I was always nice to everyone i met and tried to always be kind:)’. These little comments were belittling me and almost making me feel ashamed for being vulnerable and admitting fault. And it was all disguised as being nice. She will do the same thing with my bf. She will have no issue talking about his faults while in the same breath saying her husband is nothing like that and they do x y and z better. I always hold my tongue when realistically I shouldn’t. If I had the same energy towards her husband she wouldn’t be as calm as I am. The thing is I know my bfs faults and I will agree if you point them out, same goes for my own. But to use our faults against us when we confide in you and you boost yourselves up with it and disguise it as giving advice? Thats not right. Lastly, already touched on this a bit but inconveniencing favours. We ask her for a ride once in a blue moon like im talking twice or 3 times a year if that, and she’s miraculously busy. But she’ll ask us (more me because my bf doesn’t answer anymore and as of now I wont either) to pick her something up at the store after a 9 hour day at work, meanwhile she works from home and her husband works in a city where he could also do the same errand. The other day she asked my bf if I was sleeping (it was 6-7am), and my bf says yes she is. She proceeds to text me while i unfortunately forgot to turn my ringer off. Now I may have fault in this for even entertaining her but Im the type of person who opens snapchats right away, I am trying to get better at this now. So despite my bf telling her Im sleeping aka do not disturb me, she texts me to go bang on her windows because her husband forgot to set his alarm. I told her just one second I will put my pants on and get out of bed and do that for her right away. I should have told her that she interrupted my sleep and went against what my boyfriend told her but I can be bad with people pleasing so I did it anyway. She constantly tells the family she doesnt sleep well with her back pain but she had no problem with the idea of interrupting mine to wake her husband up. She also complains about people walking over her boundaries but she literally ignored my bf saying I was asleep and messaged me anyway.
I think the main problem here is that they have issues as neighbours and as family members respecting boundaries and privacy. I don’t know what else will solve these issues other than my bf really addressing it all or just plain and simple moving out, which is not what we want to do because we love our house and put so much work into it. I could also address it but I feel like they may not be as receptive to me as they would my bf. UGH sorry that was long
submitted by whatitdoshordy to inlaws [link] [comments]
Me and my bf have been living together for a year now and our SIL and my bfs brother are neighours. When I first moved in I thought the dynamic would be so fun and we could all hangout together! My boyfriend however, was never crazy about the idea. Now I see why.
Anyway, time goes on and my bf and I wanted to go to a rodeo and I thought it would be fun to go us 4 (us and the BIL/SIL). So we invite them and they tag along. When we showed up we realized they had no beer tents or alcohol vendors there, ok that sucks but whatever we are here for the rodeo! Oh no, not my BIL. The whole time we are watching from the grand stands, it is non stop complaining about how much this sucks and that theres no booze. Finally, the main event is about to start and he decides we all need to leave because ‘this f*cking sucks!’. At this point im holding back tears because I was genuinely anticipating this event for weeks. The SIL was laughing off his behaviour and not saying anything and my bf was visibly annoyed. This was the cause of one of my boyfriend and I’s first real ‘fights’, although it wasn’t his fault; he did warn me. We didn’t have to invite them to this event but yet we did, and BIL ruined it. So that was my first red flag.
Red flag #2: Errands/favours. Every now and again they would text us and ask if we had extras of something they could use (cheese slices, water bottles, etc.) Which we are more than happy to help out once in a while! But it started becoming frequent. To the point where okay did you guys even bother to do a grocery, when they were both working in town that same day. My bf and I very rarely ask for anything as we are both very independent and organized, we usually have everything we need at the house or if not we make substitutions or do without. It was getting to the point where I couldn’t open their snapchats at the end of my shift because it was most likely them asking for us to pick up something for them. I lowkey (highkey) felt like an uber eats driver! On the other end, BIL who has a border line drinking problem always taking beers off my bf. Apparently it was much worse before I moved in but essentially BIL will ask us if we have any beers before hes finished his last one. It’s gotten to the point where he walks right into the house and opens our beer fridge to look for some (um wtf knock? this is OUR HOUSE not your kitchen also we could be naked like holy shit.) I feel like I almost have to hide my drink when I go outside because if he sees me with one he will want one. Also, both the BIL and SIL work in town, if they know they are running low they should stock up, constantly bumming stuff off us gets old really fast. My bf constantly asks his brother ‘you didnt buy yourself more?’ to which he usually replies ‘well i am out’ (what kind of answer is that lmao). And we live literally 5 minutes away from a store that sells beer, he could send his wife to get some more (but no she doesn’t want to leave the house). Needless to say, they make their poor planning and laziness OUR problem. At one point it got so bad one sunday morning his brother walked over and asked if we have cream for his coffee. We only had the starbucks flavoured creamer so we offered that and I kid you not he says ‘Ew why dont you have regular creamer i wont drink that!’ WHY DONT YOU HAVE CREAMER. Like the entitlement was insane, my bf told him to go get his own creamer and BIL huffed and puffed back to his house. After that incident they stopped for a while but as of now the beer bumming is still very much happening. Just yesterday he walked right in, asked my bf if he had any beers, he lied and said no. BIL walked to and opened our fridge and grabbed beers anyway ‘you do have beers’. Well dont you think if we said no we probably dont want you having them? The entitlement and absolute disrespect of our boundaries was evident. I feel so torn with this kind of thing because you don’t want to be rude and come off selfish by telling them no, but at the same time they are taking advantage of how close we live to each other and for them its convenient to keep doing it and I feel like its not our responsibility at a certain point. Additionally, if we did the same to them, they would not appreciate it. I also notice how my bf and I rarely ask for favours but when we do (ex. bf needs a ride to the garage), they are always conveniently busy. The whole situation is giving selfish.
Red flag #3: Disrespecting our stuff. Last summer my mom’s boyfriend had passed from cancer, and at the same time I was moving in to my bfs. She had given me their very nice blow up pool since she wont have any use for it but she didn’t want to get rid of it either because it was sentimental. We took it, blew it up in the yard and used it in the beginning of summer, it was awesome! My boyfriend had mentioned that his brother hated the way it looked in the yard and thought it looked trashy, (we share our yard but had it on our side). I thought oh well he can have his opinion but its our pool and we are allowed to have it, they also have a small pool they put on the deck for their dog so I didn’t understand the reasoning. Anyway, summer ends and I wasn’t paying much attention but the pool was out of the yard, I had assumed my bf had put it back in its box and in the shed for the winter. So spring comes along and Im walking in the backyard doing something and I notice a plastic blue thing behind the shed covered by sharp metal and wood and its really buried in there. I inspect it closer and I realize it’s the pool! Assuming it was my bf I called him upset asking why he would treat my stuff that way. He assured me it wasn’t him and that he thought that I had put it away for the winter. We both paused and knew right away what really happened. His brother had thrown it behind the shed and covered it. I was baffled at the fact that he had the audacity to take it upon himself to take something that didn’t belong to him and throw it behind the shed like garbage because he didn’t like it. If they had something on their side of the yard that I didn’t like that does NOT give me the right to get rid of it or destroy it! He could have asked us to put it away and even at that it still doesn’t give him the right to dispose of it. My bf confronted him about it and his exact words were ‘I dont give a f*ck.’ My bf has told me he has done this kind of thing before when my bf wanted to sell his budlight umbrella on market place and his brother took it upon himself to take the umbrella and burn it in the fire pit while my bf was on a work trip. I just can’t believe someone can be so inconsiderate and show no respect for another persons property.
Red flag #4: SIL is not self aware at all and has a guise of being a sweet, quiet person but her actions say different. First and foremost, she has a huge issue with the MIL, that is a whole other story but to say the least she has some valid issues with the MIL i will not deny. But, a lot of the things she detests about the MIL she is guilty of herself. In my opinion, they are very similar people and they don’t even realize it. She claims MIL has a huge issue with boundaries and always wants to be part of all the plans that they make. She argues the MIL dictates and controls the situation every time, even if its a plan they invited her to (keep that in mind later). She is right she does do that. It is a very valid thing to have an issue with but on the other end they always want to do stuff with us when we dont! In the past we do and the BIL never DD’s, always gets fucked up on booze or if there isn’t freaks out (the rodeo). The SIL excuses it thinks its cute or has an attitude of ‘aw boys will be boys’ ( drunks will behave like drunks). SIL always wants to be home early for her dog or to smoke weed or both, which is fine if she takes her own vehicle but when she doesn’t its quite a bummer for the rest of us who are having a good time and dont want to exactly leave right when the fun starts. This happens a lot at family events. When SIL wants to leave early she will usually pawn off her husband to us to drive him home, which is not pleasant most of the time when he is drinking because he gets incoherently drunk and argumentative. SIL also dislikes the fact that MIL is very performative and makes out her life to be perfect, and pretends the very real and ever going family issues don’t exist. She is partially right about that but seeing both perspectives I can honestly say SIL is just as if not more performative than MIL. The most obvious reason for her being this way is the fact that she is her husbands biggest enabler. If my bf acted the way BIL acted I would not continue the relationship, but if I did I believe your duty as a partner is to keep each other in check and grow together. Instead, she often laughs it off and has the sentiment that thats just who he is. If she wants to leave early she pretty much gives us no choice but to give him a ride and its hard to say no considering we are neighbours ‘you’ll drive him home right? i told him not to be rude this time!’ (He almost always is, and drunk or sober never says thankyou btw). SIL also does this thing that I never noticed before because it was so subtle and I am trying not to think the worst of people, but until my friends and coworkers confirmed it with me I realized it was rude. So at first, I was still getting to know SIL and I honestly thought she was super down to earth and level headed I felt like I could confide to her and truly build a friendship. To preface, my boyfriend and I have a very happy relationship, but we, just like every other couple, have disagreements from time to time. Unfortunately I chose to vent to her at first and she would always reply something along the lines of ‘my husband NEVER does that, we are so good at communicating’ or ‘My husband always likes when I do that :)’. And the first times I thought nothing of it but then it dawned on me that she wasn’t being helpful, she was just complimenting herself while also putting my relationship down. Once I noticed this, I didn’t stop noticing it. I told her once how I regretted making fun of someone in high school while I was young and dumb and she replied ‘Oh, I was always nice to everyone i met and tried to always be kind:)’. These little comments were belittling me and almost making me feel ashamed for being vulnerable and admitting fault. And it was all disguised as being nice. She will do the same thing with my bf. She will have no issue talking about his faults while in the same breath saying her husband is nothing like that and they do x y and z better. I always hold my tongue when realistically I shouldn’t. If I had the same energy towards her husband she wouldn’t be as calm as I am. The thing is I know my bfs faults and I will agree if you point them out, same goes for my own. But to use our faults against us when we confide in you and you boost yourselves up with it and disguise it as giving advice? Thats not right. Lastly, already touched on this a bit but inconveniencing favours. We ask her for a ride once in a blue moon like im talking twice or 3 times a year if that, and she’s miraculously busy. But she’ll ask us (more me because my bf doesn’t answer anymore and as of now I wont either) to pick her something up at the store after a 9 hour day at work, meanwhile she works from home and her husband works in a city where he could also do the same errand. The other day she asked my bf if I was sleeping (it was 6-7am), and my bf says yes she is. She proceeds to text me while i unfortunately forgot to turn my ringer off. Now I may have fault in this for even entertaining her but Im the type of person who opens snapchats right away, I am trying to get better at this now. So despite my bf telling her Im sleeping aka do not disturb me, she texts me to go bang on her windows because her husband forgot to set his alarm. I told her just one second I will put my pants on and get out of bed and do that for her right away. I should have told her that she interrupted my sleep and went against what my boyfriend told her but I can be bad with people pleasing so I did it anyway. She constantly tells the family she doesnt sleep well with her back pain but she had no problem with the idea of interrupting mine to wake her husband up. She also complains about people walking over her boundaries but she literally ignored my bf saying I was asleep and messaged me anyway.
I think the main problem here is that they have issues as neighbours and as family members respecting boundaries and privacy. I don’t know what else will solve these issues other than my bf really addressing it all or just plain and simple moving out, which is not what we want to do because we love our house and put so much work into it. I could also address it but I feel like they may not be as receptive to me as they would my bf. UGH sorry that was long
2024.05.14 21:30 DreamingLittleBoy Beginner with roadkill raccoon
Okay so, I have literally never done anything related to hunting or skinning before, I have a raccoon that's been in my freezer since Nov '23. I finally have the time and energy to take on a lil one time project. Trying to keep it at-home-d-i-y and not spend a bunch of money. I want to keep the fur, not really turning it into anything except a preserved hide. I am in suburban area, southeast Texas. I don't have a stretch board so I went to Walmart and got a small metal ironing board that I'm gonna use for it, large laundry clips(to hold the hide), and 16lbs of Morton's pickling salt, only to rub on the hide to dry it. I don't really want to buy a bunch of chemicals or actually pickle the hide. Was wanting to try the egg yolk method, I read up a bit and watched a few videos but I still want specific to my situation advice/guidance. So far what I understand is, thaw the body for at least 24 hours before skinning, case skin it, scrape the fat and meat off, figure out how to stretch it while doing so, as soon as I've worked most of the fat and meat off, start salting and rubbing in the salt to all nooks and crannies. Hang to dry(or roll fur side in on an incline) for 24 hours, shake off salt and salt again, repeat until stiff and dry. At that point, it can be saved like that until the tanning process? When ready to tan, get the egg yolk, and work it in til the skin has absorbed it and has become soft and pliable. I know that you're supposed to smoke the hide after egg yolk, but what if you don't have a smoker or smoke pit? I'm not sure if Dad would be okay with me putting a hole in the backyard, I haven't gotten to that point yet. I think I need a stick and a foam tube to see the hide onto and roll it while smoking. Are the general steps that I wrote down, correct? What am I missing? Any tips? At what point do I wash the hide(to get the nasty off)? Before I skin? Or after?
submitted by DreamingLittleBoy to HideTanning [link] [comments]
2024.05.14 21:28 Ultravis66 Tips and Tricks on how to stay motivated and be successful on your Keto journey:
Recently I have been seeing a lot of posts about getting stuck at X weight, or “I cheated and now I am out of Ketosis.” So I wanted to share my journey with you and what has helped me go from where I was, 343 lbs at my heaviest, down to 280lbs as of this week the last time I weighed myself. Today I am lighter than I have been in over 15 years! I still have a long way to go, and my end goal is 200 lbs, because I want to be thin and attractive and I want people to respect me and not judge me because I am fat, just like you probably reading this right now. Well, I am here to try and help!
My journey started with an initial health scare from when I visited the doctor back in 2019, as you are all probably aware of, pre-diabetic, stage 3 fatty liver, ect… I had known about Keto diets in the past, when I was younger, the low carb diet at the time was Atkins, and I had used this diet before to keep my weight in check as I have always struggled with my weight, but that was back in my early 20s. My solution to fixing my health problems (and weight problem) was to go back on a ketogenic diet.
In 2019, I went through the struggle of getting my body in ketosis, dealt with keto flu, low energy, and was able to overcome those challenges and get on a good track of staying low carb. I managed to do this for about a year before I started to slip. It started with small slip ups here and there “a few Doritos wont hurt, its just a hand full.” “A small piece of cookie wont hurt.” Before I knew it (mid 2022), I was kicked out of Ketosis and craving high carb foods again and back into old eating habits. I went from 343 down to 283 then back up to 312 lbs, Darn! I was losing the battle...
Then in 2023, I started having health issues again, which I won’t go into details, and I wanted to get my health in check for good. What was needed, in my opinion, was a fundamental shift in the way I (we) view food. We need to look at food as an essential building block and an energy source for our body and get out of the mindset of looking at food for comfort and enjoyment. This is not an easy thing to do and is probably the hardest thing I have ever done next to getting an Engineering Degree, but if you can master this one thing, you will be hugely successful in your journey to losing the weight and being healthy.
Step 1: Small steps and Logging
My first piece of advice is start small. Yes, you are impatient and yes you want to be thin RIGHT NOW! I get it, but this won’t happen overnight. This is a long process that takes a long time. You are fighting an uphill battle. You are probably surrounded by people eating all kinds of high carb foods, you probably got that skinny friend/relative that can eat anything and stay thin (NOT FAIR! I totally get it..). The first thing I recommend is track absolutely everything you eat. Lose it is only $3 bucks/month (best money I ever spent). Do not try and diet yet, just track what you are eating. Eat a cookie? Log it! Eat an entire party bag potato chips? Hey don’t sweat it! But LOG IT! Get into the habit of logging absolutely everything you put into your body no matter what it is, and don’t judge yourself for your bad eating habits, don’t worry you and me, we are going to fix this together!
After about a week (maybe 2 weeks), make a small change… I was eating about 250 net grams of carbs per day, so I set a reasonable goal for the next week… Lets see if I can get that down to 150 net/day for a week. One week goes by, easily beat it! All it took was cutting some bread out of my diet as well as rice and potatoes. Next step, 100 net/day. Weeks goes by I was at 120 net/day. Darn! I tried my best, but next week, I’m going to do it! Next week goes by I was at 99 net/day. Yes! I did it I hit my goal. Let’s see if I can do it again and again. 2 more weeks go by, and I was down to 80 net/day without hardly trying. Then I lowered my goal to 50/day and that is when it started to get hard. Now I had to cut that slice of toast out of my diet with my morning eggs. I had to cut that bowl of rice out with my meat. I had to really start making some hard changes, and I wasn’t always successful during the first month. I went over and hit 60/day, but I kept at it, kept logging. Today I average 21 Net/day carbs (not too bad right). The best part about the second time I got myself into Ketosis, there was ZERO side effects. No keto flu. I did have electrolyte imbalances for a while but was easily fixed with upping potassium and adding more salt to my food.
The key here is set reasonable goals for yourself that you know you can beat, you wont always be successful, but keep at it. Breaking bad habits is hard, but if you keep logging, and you keep at your goals, eventually you will break it!
Step 2: Eat only nutrient dense foods
This goes back to looking at food as building blocks and energy for your body, make sure every food you eat is to fulfil a specific nutrient requirement. You need more potassium, eat more kale/spinach, need to get your vitamin D up, eat some smoked salmon. Over time, your taste buds will change, and you will start really enjoying the foods you are eating. I absolutely LOVE kale now!
Also, this includes keto-friendly foods like bacon. I do not eat bacon. There is almost no nutritional value in eating it, so why eat it? Eat some steak instead.
If I eat a food with Carbs, it will be a very nutrient dense food and because my body needs those nutrients. What kind of foods am I talking about? Here are some examples:
73% + or more cocoa chocolate
Berries (strawberries for example)
Lemons/limes
Nuts and seeds of all kinds.
All kinds of vegetables like broccoli, spinach, kale, Peppers, Onions
The Key to staying in ketosis when you are consuming foods with carbs is moderation. Yes that 70% chocolate has sugar in it, but I eat one square MAX per day. That one piece of chocolate has 4.7 grams of net carbs and 2 grams of fiber. There is plenty of room in my daily carb limit to allow for it. As long as my weekly average total carb intake stays under 25 grams/day, I am good (my personal set goal).
Step 3: NO CHEAT DAYS!!!
Once you are in the groove, and you got your carb intake to your set goals, be EXTREMELY strict with food intake. Allow for ZERO cheat days and have a ZERO tolerance policy on any "empty carb" food. What do I mean by empty carb? any food that is high in carbs and has no nutritional value, like cookies, chips, ice-cream ect... Cheating will get you kicked out of ketosis and is the path back to bad eating habits and putting the weight back on and that is exactly what happened to me! Just don’t do it. We are not eating for comfort anymore; we are eating because our bodies need this specific nutrient. This is the goal.
Step 4: Fasting
You don’t need to do this right away, make sure you get yourself into the habit of logging, and eating foods that are nutrient dense and make sure your body is in ketosis first. Like with before, don’t try and jump headfirst into fasting, take small steps and build on it every week. Start with a shorter duration fast once per week, for 12 hours, then increase slowly until you hit 18 hours. The end goal here is twice per week for a minimum of 18 hours. If you get hungry and you cant do it, don’t beat yourself up over it, its hard! Your body will fight you and want you to eat. Try again the next week with your set goals. Just make sure you are eating those nutrient dense foods we talked about above. As your body becomes more and more fat adapted, this will get easier and easier.
I am currently fasting for 24 hours on Mondays and Tuesdays. Monday morning I eat 2 fried eggs and drink my coffee with half and half then fast until Tuesday morning. Then on Tuesday morning, I will eat 2 fried eggs and that same coffee without eating until Wednesday morning. It is currently Tuesday and I have not eaten since this morning. I won’t eat until tomorrow morning.
To prep your body for long fasts that will allow your body to eat itself with ease is making sure you are LOADED with TONS of nutrients, (remember step 2?). Saturday and Sunday are prep days for that fast. I eat dark leafy greens, like Kale, and Spinach, cheesy broccoli I make myself, peppers, ect... I eat lots of nuts and seeds, Walnuts, pecans, brazil nuts, peanut butter, steak, Smoked raw salmon. I will eat a little bit more than my metabolic rate, about 200 calories more (2500 cal). I also generously salt everything so that I am around 4000 MG for the day. This will load your body with potassium, magnesium, and sodium. Then I go into my fast on Monday. Perfect for me since I need to be at work on Monday and Tuesday.
If you do this, when you go into your fast, you will have plenty of nutrients/electrolytes for your body to just eat your own fat off your body. You probably wont even feel hungry for many hours on end, but if you do get hungry, drink lemon in water, or apple cider vinegar to suppress your hunger.
Now, the key to coming out of your fast is to NOT over-eat. Eat VERY SLOWLY (I cannot emphasize this enough). Take bites, chew, put your fork down, wait 10-30 seconds after you swallow, then take another bite. Eat high fat foods like cheese, eggs, peanut butter. This will help you feel satiated. Try and keep your first meal out of a fast at around 1000 calories.
Step 5: Exercise
Try and add exercise into your weekly routine and this will help you lose the weight even faster, but is not necessary to lose the weight. Exercise is really good for you anyway. For me personally, I picked up swimming (I swim 2 miles 3x per week now), and I feel great afterwards, all those endorphins! So why not?
Step 6: For life!
What do I mean for life? What I mean is that you need to view keto as a for life plan. The key to staying healthy is eating healthy. So why ever go back to your old way of eating? On this diet, I feel great, my libido is way up and I have tons of energy to do things! I want to go outside and work on my car! I want to go to the gym. When you are eating healthy, you will feel amazing, you will have moments of euphoria, you will be happy, you will have an amazing sex life! That guy/girl you like at the gym will notice you. You will no longer be ignored! You will also be smarter, your mental clarity will be better than ever, you will be able to focus on your goals!
Final piece of advice: You will fail… yes you will fail at your goals over and over again, I still fail my goals once in a while. Last week I had a day where I went up to 30 net/day carbs and ate 2600 calories (DARN!), but I didn’t give up! I wont give up! Sometimes you will slip, but as long as you set reasonable goals for yourself and tighten those goals solely over time, and you keep at it, you will be successful in the long run, and you will get the weight off! Don’t focus on the scale, but focus on getting into healthy eating habits, focus on exercising and I promise you, the weight will come off!
submitted by Ultravis66 to keto [link] [comments]
My journey started with an initial health scare from when I visited the doctor back in 2019, as you are all probably aware of, pre-diabetic, stage 3 fatty liver, ect… I had known about Keto diets in the past, when I was younger, the low carb diet at the time was Atkins, and I had used this diet before to keep my weight in check as I have always struggled with my weight, but that was back in my early 20s. My solution to fixing my health problems (and weight problem) was to go back on a ketogenic diet.
In 2019, I went through the struggle of getting my body in ketosis, dealt with keto flu, low energy, and was able to overcome those challenges and get on a good track of staying low carb. I managed to do this for about a year before I started to slip. It started with small slip ups here and there “a few Doritos wont hurt, its just a hand full.” “A small piece of cookie wont hurt.” Before I knew it (mid 2022), I was kicked out of Ketosis and craving high carb foods again and back into old eating habits. I went from 343 down to 283 then back up to 312 lbs, Darn! I was losing the battle...
Then in 2023, I started having health issues again, which I won’t go into details, and I wanted to get my health in check for good. What was needed, in my opinion, was a fundamental shift in the way I (we) view food. We need to look at food as an essential building block and an energy source for our body and get out of the mindset of looking at food for comfort and enjoyment. This is not an easy thing to do and is probably the hardest thing I have ever done next to getting an Engineering Degree, but if you can master this one thing, you will be hugely successful in your journey to losing the weight and being healthy.
Step 1: Small steps and Logging
My first piece of advice is start small. Yes, you are impatient and yes you want to be thin RIGHT NOW! I get it, but this won’t happen overnight. This is a long process that takes a long time. You are fighting an uphill battle. You are probably surrounded by people eating all kinds of high carb foods, you probably got that skinny friend/relative that can eat anything and stay thin (NOT FAIR! I totally get it..). The first thing I recommend is track absolutely everything you eat. Lose it is only $3 bucks/month (best money I ever spent). Do not try and diet yet, just track what you are eating. Eat a cookie? Log it! Eat an entire party bag potato chips? Hey don’t sweat it! But LOG IT! Get into the habit of logging absolutely everything you put into your body no matter what it is, and don’t judge yourself for your bad eating habits, don’t worry you and me, we are going to fix this together!
After about a week (maybe 2 weeks), make a small change… I was eating about 250 net grams of carbs per day, so I set a reasonable goal for the next week… Lets see if I can get that down to 150 net/day for a week. One week goes by, easily beat it! All it took was cutting some bread out of my diet as well as rice and potatoes. Next step, 100 net/day. Weeks goes by I was at 120 net/day. Darn! I tried my best, but next week, I’m going to do it! Next week goes by I was at 99 net/day. Yes! I did it I hit my goal. Let’s see if I can do it again and again. 2 more weeks go by, and I was down to 80 net/day without hardly trying. Then I lowered my goal to 50/day and that is when it started to get hard. Now I had to cut that slice of toast out of my diet with my morning eggs. I had to cut that bowl of rice out with my meat. I had to really start making some hard changes, and I wasn’t always successful during the first month. I went over and hit 60/day, but I kept at it, kept logging. Today I average 21 Net/day carbs (not too bad right). The best part about the second time I got myself into Ketosis, there was ZERO side effects. No keto flu. I did have electrolyte imbalances for a while but was easily fixed with upping potassium and adding more salt to my food.
The key here is set reasonable goals for yourself that you know you can beat, you wont always be successful, but keep at it. Breaking bad habits is hard, but if you keep logging, and you keep at your goals, eventually you will break it!
Step 2: Eat only nutrient dense foods
This goes back to looking at food as building blocks and energy for your body, make sure every food you eat is to fulfil a specific nutrient requirement. You need more potassium, eat more kale/spinach, need to get your vitamin D up, eat some smoked salmon. Over time, your taste buds will change, and you will start really enjoying the foods you are eating. I absolutely LOVE kale now!
Also, this includes keto-friendly foods like bacon. I do not eat bacon. There is almost no nutritional value in eating it, so why eat it? Eat some steak instead.
If I eat a food with Carbs, it will be a very nutrient dense food and because my body needs those nutrients. What kind of foods am I talking about? Here are some examples:
73% + or more cocoa chocolate
Berries (strawberries for example)
Lemons/limes
Nuts and seeds of all kinds.
All kinds of vegetables like broccoli, spinach, kale, Peppers, Onions
The Key to staying in ketosis when you are consuming foods with carbs is moderation. Yes that 70% chocolate has sugar in it, but I eat one square MAX per day. That one piece of chocolate has 4.7 grams of net carbs and 2 grams of fiber. There is plenty of room in my daily carb limit to allow for it. As long as my weekly average total carb intake stays under 25 grams/day, I am good (my personal set goal).
Step 3: NO CHEAT DAYS!!!
Once you are in the groove, and you got your carb intake to your set goals, be EXTREMELY strict with food intake. Allow for ZERO cheat days and have a ZERO tolerance policy on any "empty carb" food. What do I mean by empty carb? any food that is high in carbs and has no nutritional value, like cookies, chips, ice-cream ect... Cheating will get you kicked out of ketosis and is the path back to bad eating habits and putting the weight back on and that is exactly what happened to me! Just don’t do it. We are not eating for comfort anymore; we are eating because our bodies need this specific nutrient. This is the goal.
Step 4: Fasting
You don’t need to do this right away, make sure you get yourself into the habit of logging, and eating foods that are nutrient dense and make sure your body is in ketosis first. Like with before, don’t try and jump headfirst into fasting, take small steps and build on it every week. Start with a shorter duration fast once per week, for 12 hours, then increase slowly until you hit 18 hours. The end goal here is twice per week for a minimum of 18 hours. If you get hungry and you cant do it, don’t beat yourself up over it, its hard! Your body will fight you and want you to eat. Try again the next week with your set goals. Just make sure you are eating those nutrient dense foods we talked about above. As your body becomes more and more fat adapted, this will get easier and easier.
I am currently fasting for 24 hours on Mondays and Tuesdays. Monday morning I eat 2 fried eggs and drink my coffee with half and half then fast until Tuesday morning. Then on Tuesday morning, I will eat 2 fried eggs and that same coffee without eating until Wednesday morning. It is currently Tuesday and I have not eaten since this morning. I won’t eat until tomorrow morning.
To prep your body for long fasts that will allow your body to eat itself with ease is making sure you are LOADED with TONS of nutrients, (remember step 2?). Saturday and Sunday are prep days for that fast. I eat dark leafy greens, like Kale, and Spinach, cheesy broccoli I make myself, peppers, ect... I eat lots of nuts and seeds, Walnuts, pecans, brazil nuts, peanut butter, steak, Smoked raw salmon. I will eat a little bit more than my metabolic rate, about 200 calories more (2500 cal). I also generously salt everything so that I am around 4000 MG for the day. This will load your body with potassium, magnesium, and sodium. Then I go into my fast on Monday. Perfect for me since I need to be at work on Monday and Tuesday.
If you do this, when you go into your fast, you will have plenty of nutrients/electrolytes for your body to just eat your own fat off your body. You probably wont even feel hungry for many hours on end, but if you do get hungry, drink lemon in water, or apple cider vinegar to suppress your hunger.
Now, the key to coming out of your fast is to NOT over-eat. Eat VERY SLOWLY (I cannot emphasize this enough). Take bites, chew, put your fork down, wait 10-30 seconds after you swallow, then take another bite. Eat high fat foods like cheese, eggs, peanut butter. This will help you feel satiated. Try and keep your first meal out of a fast at around 1000 calories.
Step 5: Exercise
Try and add exercise into your weekly routine and this will help you lose the weight even faster, but is not necessary to lose the weight. Exercise is really good for you anyway. For me personally, I picked up swimming (I swim 2 miles 3x per week now), and I feel great afterwards, all those endorphins! So why not?
Step 6: For life!
What do I mean for life? What I mean is that you need to view keto as a for life plan. The key to staying healthy is eating healthy. So why ever go back to your old way of eating? On this diet, I feel great, my libido is way up and I have tons of energy to do things! I want to go outside and work on my car! I want to go to the gym. When you are eating healthy, you will feel amazing, you will have moments of euphoria, you will be happy, you will have an amazing sex life! That guy/girl you like at the gym will notice you. You will no longer be ignored! You will also be smarter, your mental clarity will be better than ever, you will be able to focus on your goals!
Final piece of advice: You will fail… yes you will fail at your goals over and over again, I still fail my goals once in a while. Last week I had a day where I went up to 30 net/day carbs and ate 2600 calories (DARN!), but I didn’t give up! I wont give up! Sometimes you will slip, but as long as you set reasonable goals for yourself and tighten those goals solely over time, and you keep at it, you will be successful in the long run, and you will get the weight off! Don’t focus on the scale, but focus on getting into healthy eating habits, focus on exercising and I promise you, the weight will come off!
2024.05.14 21:22 HollyJean6 Should I go to the opticians or will I be fine?
Sorry if this the wrong place to post but I couldn’t find an eye health subreddit or a subreddit for opticians. For the past 2 days my eyeball itself (NOT the eyelid) has been pulsing and twitching, it’s not painful just irritating. I am not on drugs and I do not drink heavily and when I do drink it’s few and far between. However my grandad passed last week and I’m wondering if the stress and upset of that is the cause? If not should I book an opticians appointment? I have videos it and can see my eyelashes move every time there’s a pulse so it’s not phantom. Extra info: I’m british so drink a lot of tea especially during upsetting times and I’ve been smoking more to calm myself down? Will this go away on its own or not? Thank you!
submitted by HollyJean6 to Advice [link] [comments]
2024.05.14 21:22 BigDesigner4629 Old AAtroxx needs arena.
 | Dear old aatrox mains or someone that could played him abit, with the new arena 3.0 riot once again bring back many old items that maybe og players could remeber or even dream that they could ever see again. submitted by BigDesigner4629 to AatroxMains [link] [comments] (gunblade,sword of divine,atmas rockin, etc) with all of this nostalgia items, it just feel that arena is the place for old aatrox. like they could just to try re program him or re write his code to be only playable in arena mode. if it any oportunity for this to happen is in arena and if there is a mode where this wouldnt feel out of place.. well is arena, maybe this could feel like the typical Cry bring back post but hey they did bring back hextech gublade, new aatrox mains could play the old one and the og like (DONTREMAKEAATROX) you know,wouldnt get their champs completely smoke out existence. what am asking for is not an impossible think or even groundbreakig not such a thing like adding sylas back in the day or viego passive and those were eventually ovecome. Arena 3.0 with everyone on the waiting room litrally only could add 1 new map and a couple of new items, am not ranting arena and saying it should be more but this kinda of addition would feel like a new champion for many players that for sure would feel more gamechanging from past arena versions. i hope you guys share my thoughts from now i think we can only theorycraft and see how old aatrox interact with new items and augments. https://preview.redd.it/79vx69y9xf0d1.png?width=1920&format=png&auto=webp&s=50d58b677edbadb9c216b6a0f65564a72cf077b0 https://preview.redd.it/g9ys1g290g0d1.png?width=1920&format=png&auto=webp&s=335a5c45c8a880fc03870b1aba4f93b76946877b |
2024.05.14 21:21 Huge_Peak6142 Help me please my ex has taken my son and gone no contact
The situation:
Me and my ex-fiance broke up a month before she gave birth to our child. Initially we agreed that I was going to be at the birth. However, after we broke up, she did not want me there. I came to terms with this and was okay with it as this was her right/choice. We were still in communication during this time (after we broke up), and we were civil, even flirtatious. Leading up to the birth she got paranoid that I was cheating on her or sleeping with other women as my location was not at my house but on the street behind me, i explained to her that iPhone geolocation isn't always accurate, and i even offered to face time her to prove that I am where I am but she did not respond to my requsts. My ex's phone stopped working so i had no contact with her for 1 weeks straight out of concern i called her mother to see if she was okay as they live together, and her mother started slandering me saying that i got her pregnant and now ive left her a month before she was due, the breakup was mutual and agreed on both sides, and for our child we planned on co parenting effectivly.She started calling me a bitch and slandering my religon (islam) and became racist even though her daughter is half white and half indian, she also threatened me with force and threatend the police on me even though i hadnt done anything. I let the abuse slide as i didnt want to winde up any tension or make the sitatuion/breakup worse. My friends advised me to apologise for the hurt the breakup caused which i did.
1 week later, My ex texted me the night before at like 1am she was induced into labour that she was going to be induced and i asked her if she needs anything or wants me there, she said there isnt anything she needs and she said not to come and said it can take days until our son is born. 4 hours after this text she had given birth, but i had not been told this, and i had missed my sons birth. I recieve a text from bitter mother the next day that "he is here now come and see him". I was the last person to be contacted, her friends and family were all notifed immediatley, but they willingly contacted me late knowing that i wanted to be there (not in delivery room but in the hospital). The friends and family all saw my son before me and i knew this because of social media posts. I travelled from birmingham to london imediatly to see our son. When i arrived at the hospital, I was bitter because i was notifed last so i decided not to speak to her family and friends and see my son as the nurses allowed me. Upon picking up my son, My exs grandmother, my sons great grand mother, said "he will not be raised muslim, this is england not india, we dont do that here", her mother then proceedes to say he will eat what his grandmother feeds him, knowing i want my son to be muslim and eat halal food. She says why werent you here earlier, why are you here hours later making out to seem that i was some neglectful father who didnt care, her grand mother then policed me on how to pick up my child, how to hold him and how to change nappies, and threatend to kick me out, the nurse overheard this and said to her that i have a right to be here and i have 24hrs viewing access. then there was silence.
. They kept sayiing you should have been in london already we told you to book an airbnb in london, but i planned on booking it the day she was going into labour as that is when my paternity leave was due to start, i could not afford to pay a 300-400 so i can be there a week early.
I couldnt speak to my ex when I was at the hospital as they were in seperate wards, my son was in a special care unit and she was in her ward. So i spent a few hours with him. After the day had finished, it was too late and she had gone to sleep so i didnt want to disturb her so i went to my the hotel i booked.
I sent my ex a nice text saying thank you for delivering our son .etc and send gifts and flowers. I told her that my friends and family are coming down the next day from birmingham to see him. I walk into the hospital, and my exs mother started swearing at me saying im so horrible for not speaking to my ex after she had just given birth, and kept portaying me to be a Horrible personnt, she said that the messages and gifts dont mean anything even though my intentions in my text were me being grateful and thankful for the delivery of our son. She said your family and friends arent allowed to come, they have no right to be here, and said that she is going to get me banned from seeing my son if they come. I didnt believe or take serious what she said so ignored her and went to see my ex who was now with our son. my ex didnt speak to me once even though i tried to speak. A few hours later i went to grab lunch, and my family had already set of at this time. I told my ex that they are coming down to see him, and she said no, they dont have her permission to our son, eventhough no one from her side asked for my permission to vist and take photos. I couldnt believe what she was saying, she said that I couldnt see him at this point. Her mother overheard this, and said they she will ban them from coming but i laughed saying how and why are they doing this? I then get told that they will raise a safeguarding claim so im not allowed in the hospital. after my lunch i call the the head nurse to see if he is okay and if i can come down, and i am told that there is a safe guarding claim, and i cannot see my son, and they cannot dicuss anything about him to me as i am not on the birth certficate/i am not married. Eventhough this safeguarding claim is absolutely fictiuous. My family arrive and i had to turn them away. Since that day (2nd day of son being born), I have not seen him or heard of him. My ex has gone no contact and is not replying to any of my texts even though has read them. Throughout this entire situation my friends advised me to "bite my tongue and keep a level head" and ignore the abuse as it isnt the time or the place to have such discussions.
In navigating this challenging situation, my main concern is ensuring my son's well-being and maintaining a meaningful presence in his life. Despite my efforts to communicate and explore mediation options, my ex-partner's lack of response has added to the complexity of the situation.
Given the circumstances, I'm seriously considering seeking either full custody of my son, shared custody if that is a thing in the UK. I don't have access to the birth certificate but I know that they have no disclosed me on it. I've gathered compelling evidence regarding my ex-partner's living situation and behaviors, including substance abuse and instability within her household. It's clear that my son's best interests are at stake, and I'm committed to providing him with a safe and nurturing environment.
In terms of my own situation, I'm fortunate to have stable housing, financial stability, and flexibility in my schedule due to being a full-time student with part-time work (1 year left until i am a full time teacher, she isnt working and does not plan to and live on social welfare for the foreseeable future). I'm prepared to provide the stability and support that my son needs.
As I weigh my options, I'm considering pursuing shared custody initially, with the possibility of addressing schooling arrangements in court later on. Alternatively, I'm contemplating seeking full custody from the outset, given the concerns about my ex-partner's ability to provide a suitable environment for our son's upbringing. I do not want to take my child away completely from his mother as this is not right/islamic at all, I want us to coparent effectively so our son is raised with both parents. but this no contact thing makes it seem impossible. she has rejected to showing me the birth certificate and refused medations, (the mediator called her)
Ultimately, my chances of winning full custody will depend on various factors, including the strength of the evidence I've gathered and the court's assessment of what is in my son's best interests. Seeking guidance from a legal expert who specialises in family law will be crucial as I navigate this process.
My primary focus remains on ensuring that my son receives the love, care, and stability he deserves, regardless of the legal complexities involved.
Update: I have also contacted the police about the abusive behaviours from the my ex's mother. Id like to also mention that my son has a serious heart defect, and my exs mother is a habitual smoker regularly smoking cannabis and cigarettes, which is not ideal and can worsen his heart. he is due for an operation but I don't know when this is but I know its within the coming months. but I do not want him in a household that will hurt his health due to innapproiate care.
submitted by Huge_Peak6142 to SingleDads [link] [comments]
Me and my ex-fiance broke up a month before she gave birth to our child. Initially we agreed that I was going to be at the birth. However, after we broke up, she did not want me there. I came to terms with this and was okay with it as this was her right/choice. We were still in communication during this time (after we broke up), and we were civil, even flirtatious. Leading up to the birth she got paranoid that I was cheating on her or sleeping with other women as my location was not at my house but on the street behind me, i explained to her that iPhone geolocation isn't always accurate, and i even offered to face time her to prove that I am where I am but she did not respond to my requsts. My ex's phone stopped working so i had no contact with her for 1 weeks straight out of concern i called her mother to see if she was okay as they live together, and her mother started slandering me saying that i got her pregnant and now ive left her a month before she was due, the breakup was mutual and agreed on both sides, and for our child we planned on co parenting effectivly.She started calling me a bitch and slandering my religon (islam) and became racist even though her daughter is half white and half indian, she also threatened me with force and threatend the police on me even though i hadnt done anything. I let the abuse slide as i didnt want to winde up any tension or make the sitatuion/breakup worse. My friends advised me to apologise for the hurt the breakup caused which i did.
1 week later, My ex texted me the night before at like 1am she was induced into labour that she was going to be induced and i asked her if she needs anything or wants me there, she said there isnt anything she needs and she said not to come and said it can take days until our son is born. 4 hours after this text she had given birth, but i had not been told this, and i had missed my sons birth. I recieve a text from bitter mother the next day that "he is here now come and see him". I was the last person to be contacted, her friends and family were all notifed immediatley, but they willingly contacted me late knowing that i wanted to be there (not in delivery room but in the hospital). The friends and family all saw my son before me and i knew this because of social media posts. I travelled from birmingham to london imediatly to see our son. When i arrived at the hospital, I was bitter because i was notifed last so i decided not to speak to her family and friends and see my son as the nurses allowed me. Upon picking up my son, My exs grandmother, my sons great grand mother, said "he will not be raised muslim, this is england not india, we dont do that here", her mother then proceedes to say he will eat what his grandmother feeds him, knowing i want my son to be muslim and eat halal food. She says why werent you here earlier, why are you here hours later making out to seem that i was some neglectful father who didnt care, her grand mother then policed me on how to pick up my child, how to hold him and how to change nappies, and threatend to kick me out, the nurse overheard this and said to her that i have a right to be here and i have 24hrs viewing access. then there was silence.
. They kept sayiing you should have been in london already we told you to book an airbnb in london, but i planned on booking it the day she was going into labour as that is when my paternity leave was due to start, i could not afford to pay a 300-400 so i can be there a week early.
I couldnt speak to my ex when I was at the hospital as they were in seperate wards, my son was in a special care unit and she was in her ward. So i spent a few hours with him. After the day had finished, it was too late and she had gone to sleep so i didnt want to disturb her so i went to my the hotel i booked.
I sent my ex a nice text saying thank you for delivering our son .etc and send gifts and flowers. I told her that my friends and family are coming down the next day from birmingham to see him. I walk into the hospital, and my exs mother started swearing at me saying im so horrible for not speaking to my ex after she had just given birth, and kept portaying me to be a Horrible personnt, she said that the messages and gifts dont mean anything even though my intentions in my text were me being grateful and thankful for the delivery of our son. She said your family and friends arent allowed to come, they have no right to be here, and said that she is going to get me banned from seeing my son if they come. I didnt believe or take serious what she said so ignored her and went to see my ex who was now with our son. my ex didnt speak to me once even though i tried to speak. A few hours later i went to grab lunch, and my family had already set of at this time. I told my ex that they are coming down to see him, and she said no, they dont have her permission to our son, eventhough no one from her side asked for my permission to vist and take photos. I couldnt believe what she was saying, she said that I couldnt see him at this point. Her mother overheard this, and said they she will ban them from coming but i laughed saying how and why are they doing this? I then get told that they will raise a safeguarding claim so im not allowed in the hospital. after my lunch i call the the head nurse to see if he is okay and if i can come down, and i am told that there is a safe guarding claim, and i cannot see my son, and they cannot dicuss anything about him to me as i am not on the birth certficate/i am not married. Eventhough this safeguarding claim is absolutely fictiuous. My family arrive and i had to turn them away. Since that day (2nd day of son being born), I have not seen him or heard of him. My ex has gone no contact and is not replying to any of my texts even though has read them. Throughout this entire situation my friends advised me to "bite my tongue and keep a level head" and ignore the abuse as it isnt the time or the place to have such discussions.
In navigating this challenging situation, my main concern is ensuring my son's well-being and maintaining a meaningful presence in his life. Despite my efforts to communicate and explore mediation options, my ex-partner's lack of response has added to the complexity of the situation.
Given the circumstances, I'm seriously considering seeking either full custody of my son, shared custody if that is a thing in the UK. I don't have access to the birth certificate but I know that they have no disclosed me on it. I've gathered compelling evidence regarding my ex-partner's living situation and behaviors, including substance abuse and instability within her household. It's clear that my son's best interests are at stake, and I'm committed to providing him with a safe and nurturing environment.
In terms of my own situation, I'm fortunate to have stable housing, financial stability, and flexibility in my schedule due to being a full-time student with part-time work (1 year left until i am a full time teacher, she isnt working and does not plan to and live on social welfare for the foreseeable future). I'm prepared to provide the stability and support that my son needs.
As I weigh my options, I'm considering pursuing shared custody initially, with the possibility of addressing schooling arrangements in court later on. Alternatively, I'm contemplating seeking full custody from the outset, given the concerns about my ex-partner's ability to provide a suitable environment for our son's upbringing. I do not want to take my child away completely from his mother as this is not right/islamic at all, I want us to coparent effectively so our son is raised with both parents. but this no contact thing makes it seem impossible. she has rejected to showing me the birth certificate and refused medations, (the mediator called her)
Ultimately, my chances of winning full custody will depend on various factors, including the strength of the evidence I've gathered and the court's assessment of what is in my son's best interests. Seeking guidance from a legal expert who specialises in family law will be crucial as I navigate this process.
My primary focus remains on ensuring that my son receives the love, care, and stability he deserves, regardless of the legal complexities involved.
Update: I have also contacted the police about the abusive behaviours from the my ex's mother. Id like to also mention that my son has a serious heart defect, and my exs mother is a habitual smoker regularly smoking cannabis and cigarettes, which is not ideal and can worsen his heart. he is due for an operation but I don't know when this is but I know its within the coming months. but I do not want him in a household that will hurt his health due to innapproiate care.
2024.05.14 21:20 TheMayaEdits [Store] 500+ Knives/Gloves - M9 Sapphire, Emerald BFK Emerald, Ruby Kara Emerald, Ruby, Sapphire Wild Lotus Howl Dragon Lore Desert Hydra Butterfly Gamma, Doppler, TT, Autotronic Kara Fade, Doppler, Gamma, Marble, TT M9 Fade, Doppler, TT Pandora, Hedge, Vice, Superconductor
Hello there! I'm currently trading, buying and selling all sorts of CS:GO skins and inventories via crypto and at all kinds of price ranges. Feel free to DM me or send me an offer with your proposition.
The best way to reach me is by sending me a trade offer via the link below!
Everything that is in my inventory is always up for trade!
If you're looking to sell your skins, I'll be glad to purchase them.
Steam Profile
Inventory Link
Open to any kind of item offers // Feel free to send me trade offers via my trade link below!
Trade Link
Buyouts are negotiable, nothing is set in stone as prices fluctuate. Willing to consider other skins as well as the ones listed for the buyout.
| Knives | Float & Notes | B/O: (negotiable and not limited to items listed below) |
|---|---|---|
| ★ M9 Bayonet Doppler (Factory New) | Float: 0.012 & Black Pearl | 2x ★ Butterfly Knife |
| ★ Flip Knife Doppler (Minimal Wear) | Float: 0.075 & Ruby | 3x ★ M9 Bayonet Autotronic (Field-Tested) |
| ★ Butterfly Knife Lore (Field-Tested) | Float: 0.27 | 3x ★ Karambit Slaughter (Minimal Wear) |
| ★ Butterfly Knife Fade (Factory New) | Float: 0.034 & 94% Faded | 4x ★ M9 Bayonet Tiger Tooth (Factory New) |
| ★ Butterfly Knife Fade (Factory New) | Float: 0.039 & 84% Faded | 4x ★ M9 Bayonet |
| ★ Butterfly Knife Fade (Factory New) | Float: 0.032 & 82% Faded | 4x ★ M9 Bayonet |
| ★ Butterfly Knife Marble Fade (Factory New) | Float: 0.020 | 4x ★ Karambit Blue Steel (Minimal Wear) |
| ★ Butterfly Knife Marble Fade (Factory New) | Float: 0.032 | 4x ★ Bayonet Lore (Field-Tested) |
| ★ Butterfly Knife Marble Fade (Factory New) | Float: 0.033 | 4x ★ Bayonet Lore (Field-Tested) |
| ★ Karambit Gamma Doppler (Factory New) | Float: 0.033 & Phase 2 | 5x ★ Bayonet Lore (Field-Tested) |
| ★ Skeleton Knife Fade (Factory New) | Float: 0.037 & 92% Faded | 4x ★ Bayonet Lore (Field-Tested) |
| ★ Karambit Fade (Factory New) | Float: 0.025 & 96% Faded | 4x ★ Butterfly Knife Ultraviolet (Field-Tested) |
| ★ Huntsman Knife Doppler (Factory New) | Float: 0.032 & Sapphire | 3x ★ Sport Gloves Amphibious (Field-Tested) |
| ★ Huntsman Knife Doppler (Factory New) | Float: 0.006 & Sapphire | 3x ★ Sport Gloves Amphibious (Field-Tested) |
| ★ StatTrak™ Karambit Marble Fade (Factory New) | Float: 0.014 | 4x ★ M9 Bayonet Black Laminate (Minimal Wear) |
| ★ Butterfly Knife | Float: 0.365 | 3x ★ M9 Bayonet Black Laminate (Field-Tested) |
| ★ Butterfly Knife Lore (Well-Worn) | Float: 0.445 | 3x ★ Nomad Knife Slaughter (Factory New) |
| ★ Butterfly Knife Tiger Tooth (Factory New) | Float: 0.035 | 3x ★ Karambit Blue Steel (Minimal Wear) |
| ★ Butterfly Knife Tiger Tooth (Factory New) | Float: 0.035 | 3x ★ Karambit Blue Steel (Minimal Wear) |
| ★ Butterfly Knife Tiger Tooth (Factory New) | Float: 0.026 | 3x ★ Karambit Blue Steel (Minimal Wear) |
| ★ Butterfly Knife Tiger Tooth (Factory New) | Float: 0.049 | 3x ★ Karambit Blue Steel (Minimal Wear) |
| ★ Butterfly Knife Tiger Tooth (Factory New) | Float: 0.027 | 3x ★ Karambit Blue Steel (Minimal Wear) |
| ★ Butterfly Knife Tiger Tooth (Factory New) | Float: 0.042 | 3x ★ Karambit Blue Steel (Minimal Wear) |
| ★ Butterfly Knife Tiger Tooth (Factory New) | Float: 0.060 | 3x ★ Karambit Blue Steel (Minimal Wear) |
| ★ Butterfly Knife Tiger Tooth (Factory New) | Float: 0.033 | 3x ★ Karambit Blue Steel (Minimal Wear) |
| ★ Butterfly Knife Doppler (Factory New) | Float: 0.047 & Phase 4 | 4x ★ Karambit Blue Steel (Minimal Wear) |
| ★ Butterfly Knife Doppler (Factory New) | Float: 0.032 & Phase 2 | 3x ★ Butterfly Knife Night (Field-Tested) |
| ★ Butterfly Knife Doppler (Factory New) | Float: 0.032 & Phase 1 | 3x ★ M9 Bayonet Black Laminate (Field-Tested) |
| ★ Butterfly Knife Doppler (Factory New) | Float: 0.034 & Phase 3 | 3x ★ M9 Bayonet Black Laminate (Minimal Wear) |
| ★ Butterfly Knife Doppler (Factory New) | Float: 0.035 & Phase 3 | 3x ★ M9 Bayonet Black Laminate (Minimal Wear) |
| ★ Butterfly Knife Doppler (Factory New) | Float: 0.042 & Phase 3 | 3x ★ M9 Bayonet Black Laminate (Minimal Wear) |
| ★ Butterfly Knife Doppler (Factory New) | Float: 0.028 & Phase 3 | 3x ★ M9 Bayonet Black Laminate (Minimal Wear) |
| ★ Butterfly Knife Autotronic (Field-Tested) | Float: 0.356 | 3x ★ ★ Nomad Knife Slaughter (Factory New) |
| ★ Butterfly Knife Autotronic (Field-Tested) | Float: 0.336 | 3x ★ ★ Nomad Knife Slaughter (Factory New) |
| ★ Butterfly Knife Autotronic (Field-Tested) | Float: 0.297 | 3x ★ ★ Nomad Knife Slaughter (Factory New) |
| ★ StatTrak™ Butterfly Knife Autotronic (Field-Tested) | Float: 0.340 | 3x ★ M9 Bayonet Slaughter (Field-Tested) |
| ★ Butterfly Knife Slaughter (Minimal Wear) | Float: 0.086 | 3x ★ Bayonet Autotronic (Field-Tested) |
| ★ Butterfly Knife Slaughter (Minimal Wear) | Float: 0.127 | 3x ★ Bayonet Autotronic (Field-Tested) |
| ★ Butterfly Knife Black Laminate (Field-Tested) | Float: 0.322 | 3x ★ Karambit Stained (Well-Worn) |
| ★ Karambit Gamma Doppler (Factory New) | Float: 0.020 & Phase 1 & Clean corner | 3x ★ Talon Knife Crimson Web (Field-Tested) |
| ★ Karambit Tiger Tooth (Factory New) | Float: 0.008 | 3x ★ Ursus Knife Doppler (Factory New) |
| ★ Karambit Tiger Tooth (Factory New) | Float: 0.022 | 3x ★ Ursus Knife Doppler (Factory New) |
| ★ Karambit Tiger Tooth (Factory New) | Float: 0.032 | 3x ★ Ursus Knife Doppler (Factory New) |
| ★ Karambit Tiger Tooth (Factory New) | Float: 0.033 | 3x ★ Ursus Knife Doppler (Factory New) |
| ★ Nomad Knife Fade (Factory New) | Float: 0.032 & 90% Faded | 3x ★ M9 Bayonet Freehand (Field-Tested) |
| ★ Karambit Doppler (Factory New) | Float: 0.013 & Phase 2 | 3x ★ M9 Bayonet Freehand (Minimal Wear) |
| ★ Karambit Doppler (Factory New) | Float: 0.009 & Phase 1 | 3x ★ Flip Knife Autotronic (Minimal Wear) |
| ★ Karambit Doppler (Factory New) | Float: 0.014 & Phase 1 | 3x ★ Flip Knife Autotronic (Minimal Wear) |
| ★ Karambit Doppler (Factory New) | Float: 0.058 & Phase 1 | 3x ★ Flip Knife Autotronic (Minimal Wear) |
| ★ Karambit Lore (Field-Tested) | Float: 0.27 | ★ M9 Bayonet Autotronic (Minimal Wear) |
| ★ StatTrak™ Karambit Doppler (Factory New) | Float: 0.010 & Phase 1 | 3x ★ Flip Knife Autotronic (Minimal Wear) |
| ★ StatTrak™ Karambit Doppler (Factory New) | Float: 0.011 & Phase 2 | 3x ★ Flip Knife Autotronic (Minimal Wear) |
| ★ Skeleton Knife | Float: 0.262 | 3x ★ Karambit Urban Masked (Field-Tested) |
| ★ Skeleton Knife | Float: 0.506 | 3x ★ Karambit Urban Masked (Field-Tested) |
| ★ M9 Bayonet Lore (Field-Tested) | Float: 0.305 | 3x ★ Talon Knife Stained (Field-Tested) |
| ★ StatTrak™ Talon Knife Marble Fade (Factory New) | Float: 0.011 | 3x ★ Bayonet Freehand (Minimal Wear) |
| ★ Butterfly Knife Night (Minimal Wear) | Float: 0.146 | 3x ★ Talon Knife Stained (Field-Tested) |
| ★ M9 Bayonet Gamma Doppler (Factory New) | Float: 0.019 & Phase 1 | 3x ★ Flip Knife Slaughter (Field-Tested) |
| ★ Butterfly Knife Blue Steel (Minimal Wear) | Float: 0.138 | 3x ★ Survival Knife Slaughter (Factory New) |
| ★ M9 Bayonet Autotronic (Minimal Wear) | Float: 0.124 | 3x ★ Survival Knife Slaughter (Factory New) |
| ★ Karambit Damascus Steel (Factory New) | Float: 0.043 | 2x ★ Bayonet Slaughter (Field-Tested) |
| ★ Karambit Damascus Steel (Factory New) | Float: 0.049 | 2x ★ Bayonet Slaughter (Field-Tested) |
| ★ Butterfly Knife Damascus Steel (Field-Tested) | Float: 0.221 | 2x ★ Karambit Stained (Well-Worn) |
| ★ StatTrak™ Bayonet Doppler (Factory New) | Float: 0.019 & Phase 1 | 2x ★ Talon Knife Stained (Well-Worn) |
| ★ Butterfly Knife Bright Water (Well-Worn) | Float: 0.429 | 2x ★ Flip Knife Lore (Minimal Wear) |
| ★ StatTrak™ Karambit | Float: 0.162 | 2x ★ Skeleton Knife Night Stripe (Minimal Wear) |
| ★ M9 Bayonet Doppler (Factory New) | Float: 0.056 & Phase 4 | 2x ★ Skeleton Knife |
| ★ M9 Bayonet Doppler (Factory New) | Float: 0.035 & Phase 2 | 2x ★ M9 Bayonet |
| ★ M9 Bayonet Doppler (Factory New) | Float: 0.032 & Phase 3 | 2x ★ Skeleton Knife |
| ★ Gut Knife Gamma Doppler (Factory New) | Float: 0.013 & Emerald | ★ Butterfly Knife Damascus Steel (Well-Worn) |
| ★ Gut Knife Doppler (Factory New) | Float: 0.026 & Sapphire | ★ Talon Knife Tiger Tooth (Factory New) |
| ★ Butterfly Knife Damascus Steel (Well-Worn) | Float: 0.404 | 2x ★ Paracord Knife Slaughter (Factory New) |
| ★ Bayonet Gamma Doppler (Factory New) | Float: 0.007 & Phase 4 | 2x ★ Karambit Rust Coat (Battle-Scarred) |
| ★ StatTrak™ Talon Knife Tiger Tooth (Factory New) | Float: 0.021 | 2x ★ M9 Bayonet Freehand (Field-Tested) |
| ★ Karambit Crimson Web (Field-Tested) | Float: 0.166 | 2x ★ Karambit Rust Coat (Battle-Scarred) |
| ★ Karambit Autotronic (Battle-Scarred) | Float: 0.707 | 2x ★ M9 Bayonet Freehand (Well-Worn) |
| ★ Classic Knife Fade (Factory New) | Float: 0.002 | 2x ★ Driver Gloves Black Tie (Field-Tested) |
| ★ Butterfly Knife Rust Coat (Battle-Scarred) | Float: 0.575 | 2x ★ Classic Knife |
| ★ Skeleton Knife Case Hardened (Field-Tested) | Float: 0.268 | 2x ★ Talon Knife Ultraviolet (Field-Tested) |
| ★ Butterfly Knife Ultraviolet (Well-Worn) | Float: 0.400 | 2x ★ Bayonet Black Laminate (Minimal Wear) |
| ★ Bayonet Doppler (Factory New) | Float: 0.028 & Phase 2 | 2x ★ Bayonet Black Laminate (Field-Tested) |
| ★ Bayonet Doppler (Factory New) | Float: 0.033 & Phase 1 | 2x ★ Stiletto Knife Crimson Web (Field-Tested) |
| ★ Bayonet Doppler (Factory New) | Float: 0.034 & Phase 1 | 2x ★ Stiletto Knife Crimson Web (Field-Tested) |
| ★ Bayonet Doppler (Factory New) | Float: 0.006 & Phase 3 | 2x ★ Stiletto Knife Crimson Web (Field-Tested) |
| ★ Bayonet Doppler (Factory New) | Float: 0.013 & Phase 3 | 2x ★ Stiletto Knife Crimson Web (Field-Tested) |
| ★ Butterfly Knife Stained (Well-Worn) | Float: 0.440 | 2x ★ Skeleton Knife Forest DDPAT (Minimal Wear) |
| ★ Talon Knife Slaughter (Minimal Wear) | Float: 0.086 | 2x ★ Karambit Urban Masked (Field-Tested) |
| ★ Karambit Bright Water (Factory New) | Float: 0.047 | 2x ★ M9 Bayonet Stained (Field-Tested) |
| ★ Bayonet Slaughter (Factory New) | Float: 0.034 | 2x ★ Huntsman Knife Slaughter (Factory New) |
| ★ StatTrak™ Bayonet Tiger Tooth (Factory New) | Float: 0.008 | 2x ★ Bayonet Black Laminate (Well-Worn) |
| ★ Huntsman Knife Lore (Factory New) | Float: 0.057 | ★ Butterfly Knife Urban Masked (Field-Tested) |
| ★ Bayonet Tiger Tooth (Factory New) | Float: 0.022 | 2x ★ Bayonet Freehand (Field-Tested) |
| ★ Bayonet Tiger Tooth (Factory New) | Float: 0.027 | 2x ★ Bayonet Freehand (Field-Tested) |
| ★ Bayonet Tiger Tooth (Factory New) | Float: 0.028 | 2x ★ Bayonet Freehand (Field-Tested) |
| ★ Bayonet Tiger Tooth (Factory New) | Float: 0.033 | 2x ★ Bayonet Freehand (Field-Tested) |
| ★ Bayonet Tiger Tooth (Factory New) | Float: 0.035 | 2x ★ Bayonet Freehand (Field-Tested) |
| ★ Bayonet Tiger Tooth (Factory New) | Float: 0.041 | 2x ★ Bayonet Freehand (Field-Tested) |
| ★ Bayonet | Float: 0.319 | 2x ★ Skeleton Knife Forest DDPAT (Minimal Wear) |
| ★ Bayonet | Float: 0.694 | 2x ★ Skeleton Knife Forest DDPAT (Minimal Wear) |
| ★ Butterfly Knife Boreal Forest (Field-Tested) | Float: 0.241 | 2x ★ Bayonet Black Laminate (Well-Worn) |
| ★ Karambit Blue Steel (Minimal Wear) | Float: 0.149 | 2x ★ Bayonet Black Laminate (Well-Worn) |
| ★ Butterfly Knife Forest DDPAT (Field-Tested) | Float: 0.187 | 2x ★ Bayonet Blue Steel (Minimal Wear) |
| ★ Skeleton Knife Stained (Minimal Wear) | Float: 0.142 | 2x ★ Bayonet Blue Steel (Minimal Wear) |
| ★ M9 Bayonet Black Laminate (Battle-Scarred) | Float: 0.508 | 2x ★ Bayonet Blue Steel (Minimal Wear) |
| Gloves | Float & Notes | B/O: (negotiable and not limited to items listed below) |
|---|---|---|
| ★ Sport Gloves Pandora's Box (Field-Tested) | Float: 0.36 | 3x ★ Skeleton Knife Crimson Web (Field-Tested) |
| ★ Sport Gloves Superconductor (Field-Tested) | Float: 0.35 | 3x ★ Karambit Black Laminate (Well-Worn) |
| ★ Sport Gloves Hedge Maze (Field-Tested) | Float: 0.35 | 2x ★ M9 Bayonet Lore (Field-Tested) |
| ★ Sport Gloves Vice (Field-Tested) | Float: 0.37 | 2x ★ Sport Gloves Amphibious (Field-Tested) |
| ★ Moto Gloves Spearmint (Field-Tested) | Float: 0.30 | 3x ★ Karambit Black Laminate (Well-Worn) |
| ★ Moto Gloves Spearmint (Field-Tested) | Float: 0.35 | 3x ★ M9 Bayonet Black Laminate (Minimal Wear) |
| ★ Specialist Gloves Fade (Minimal Wear) | Float: 0.131 | 2x ★ M9 Bayonet Autotronic (Minimal Wear) |
| ★ Hand Wraps Cobalt Skulls (Minimal Wear) | Float: 0.084 | 3x ★ Karambit Damascus Steel (Field-Tested) |
| ★ Sport Gloves Hedge Maze (Well-Worn) | Float: 0.412 | 2x ★ M9 Bayonet Autotronic (Well-Worn) |
| ★ Sport Gloves Vice (Battle-Scarred) | Float: 0.777 | 2x ★ Bayonet Autotronic (Well-Worn) |
| ★ Sport Gloves Vice (Battle-Scarred) | Float: 0.750 | 2x ★ Bayonet Autotronic (Well-Worn) |
| ★ Sport Gloves Amphibious (Field-Tested) | Float: 0.35 | 2x ★ Karambit Ultraviolet (Field-Tested) |
| ★ Sport Gloves Amphibious (Field-Tested) | Float: 0.37 | 2x ★ Karambit Ultraviolet (Field-Tested) |
| ★ Sport Gloves Slingshot (Field-Tested) | Float: 0.36 | 2x ★ Karambit Ultraviolet (Field-Tested) |
| ★ Specialist Gloves Tiger Strike (Field-Tested) | Float: 0.33 | 2x ★ M9 Bayonet Freehand (Factory New) |
| ★ Specialist Gloves Tiger Strike (Field-Tested) | Float: 0.36 | 2x ★ M9 Bayonet Freehand (Factory New) |
| ★ Hand Wraps Slaughter (Minimal Wear) | Float: 0.136 | 2x ★ Flip Knife Lore (Field-Tested) |
| ★ Specialist Gloves Field Agent (Field-Tested) | Float: 0.354 | 2x ★ Flip Knife Lore (Field-Tested) |
| ★ Specialist Gloves Fade (Field-Tested) | Float: 0.283 | 2x ★ Bayonet Case Hardened (Well-Worn) |
| ★ Moto Gloves Turtle (Minimal Wear) | Float: 0.140 | ★ Bayonet Doppler (Factory New) |
| ★ Sport Gloves Nocts (Field-Tested) | Float: 0.374 | ★ Skeleton Knife Blue Steel (Field-Tested) |
| ★ Specialist Gloves Emerald Web (Well-Worn) | Float: 0.391 | ★ Karambit Ultraviolet (Field-Tested) |
| ★ Driver Gloves Imperial Plaid (Field-Tested) | Float: 0.316 | ★ Karambit Rust Coat (Battle-Scarred) |
| ★ Driver Gloves Crimson Weave (Field-Tested) | Float: 0.288 | ★ M9 Bayonet Case Hardened (Minimal Wear) |
| ★ Sport Gloves Scarlet Shamagh (Field-Tested) | Float: 0.153 | ★ Butterfly Knife Ultraviolet (Well-Worn) |
| ★ Hand Wraps CAUTION! (Field-Tested) | Float: 0.377 | ★ M9 Bayonet Bright Water (Minimal Wear) |
| ★ Hand Wraps CAUTION! (Field-Tested) | Float: 0.374 | ★ M9 Bayonet Bright Water (Minimal Wear) |
| ★ Sport Gloves Omega (Battle-Scarred) | Float: 0.768 | ★ Sport Gloves Scarlet Shamagh (Field-Tested) |
| ★ Driver Gloves Lunar Weave (Minimal Wear) | Float: 0.129 | ★ Sport Gloves Scarlet Shamagh (Field-Tested) |
| ★ Sport Gloves Nocts (Well-Worn) | Float: 0.384 | ★ Karambit Forest DDPAT (Minimal Wear) |
| ★ Specialist Gloves Crimson Web (Field-Tested) | Float: 0.370 | ★ M9 Bayonet Damascus Steel (Field-Tested) |
| ★ Specialist Gloves Crimson Web (Field-Tested) | Float: 0.366 | ★ M9 Bayonet Damascus Steel (Field-Tested) |
| ★ Moto Gloves Finish Line (Field-Tested) | Float: 0.281 | ★ Karambit Boreal Forest (Field-Tested) |
| ★ Specialist Gloves Fade (Well-Worn) | Float: 0.387 | ★ Talon Knife |
| ★ Moto Gloves Polygon (Field-Tested) | Float: 0.259 | ★ Classic Knife Crimson Web (Field-Tested) |
| ★ Moto Gloves Polygon (Field-Tested) | Float: 0.281 | ★ Classic Knife Crimson Web (Field-Tested) |
| ★ Moto Gloves Polygon (Field-Tested) | Float: 0.326 | ★ Classic Knife Crimson Web (Field-Tested) |
| ★ Moto Gloves Polygon (Field-Tested) | Float: 0.360 | ★ Classic Knife Crimson Web (Field-Tested) |
| ★ Sport Gloves Scarlet Shamagh (Well-Worn) | Float: 0.416 | ★ Talon Knife Case Hardened (Well-Worn) |
| ★ Sport Gloves Slingshot (Battle-Scarred) | Float: 0.704 | ★ M9 Bayonet Freehand (Field-Tested) |
| ★ Specialist Gloves Marble Fade (Well-Worn) | Float: 0.416 | ★ Bayonet Autotronic (Battle-Scarred) |
| ★ Moto Gloves Smoke Out (Field-Tested) | Float: 0.355 | ★ Bayonet Freehand (Factory New) |
| Weapon Skins | Float & Notes | B/O: (negotiable and not limited to items listed below) |
|---|---|---|
| AK-47 Case Hardened (Well-Worn) | 0.39 Float & Pattern #321 Blue Gem | 8x ★ Butterfly Knife Blue Steel (Minimal Wear) |
| AWP Desert Hydra (Minimal Wear) | Float: 0.14 | 4x ★ Karambit Freehand (Factory New) |
| AWP Medusa (Field-Tested) | Float: 0.20 & Skadoodle (Gold) | 4x ★ M9 Bayonet Autotronic (Well-Worn) |
| AWP Medusa (Well-Worn) | Float: 0.42 & Crown (Foil) | 4x ★ Butterfly Knife Rust Coat (Battle-Scarred) |
| AK-47 Hydroponic (Factory New) | Float: 0.054 | 3x ★ Driver Gloves King Snake (Field-Tested) |
| AK-47 Hydroponic (Minimal Wear) | Float: 0.141 | 3x ★ M9 Bayonet Freehand (Factory New) |
| MP9 Wild Lily (Minimal Wear) | Float: 0.088 | 3x ★ M9 Bayonet Freehand (Factory New) |
| AK-47 Fire Serpent (Field-Tested) | Float: 0.250 | 2x ★ Bayonet Autotronic (Well-Worn) |
| AK-47 Fire Serpent (Field-Tested) | Float: 0.280 | 2x ★ Karambit Bright Water (Field-Tested) |
| AK-47 Fire Serpent (Field-Tested) | Float: 0.365 | ★ Karambit |
| M4A1-S Hot Rod (Factory New) | Float: 0.014 | ★ Bayonet Marble Fade (Factory New) |
| M4A1-S Hot Rod (Factory New) | Float: 0.025 | ★ Karambit Black Laminate (Minimal Wear) |
| Desert Eagle Blaze (Factory New) | Float: 0.032 | ★ Skeleton Knife Blue Steel (Minimal Wear) |
| AK-47 Vulcan (Factory New) | Float: 0.061 | ★ Butterfly Knife Night (Well-Worn) |
| AWP Lightning Strike (Factory New) | Float: 0.034 | ★ Karambit Bright Water (Minimal Wear) |
| AWP Lightning Strike (Minimal Wear) | Float: 0.074 | ★ Karambit Bright Water (Minimal Wear) |
| AK-47 Fire Serpent (Battle-Scarred) | Float: 0.515 & IBP 2014 COL HOLO | ★ M9 Bayonet Doppler (Factory New) |
| AK-47 Fire Serpent (Battle-Scarred) | Float: 0.727 | ★ Butterfly Knife Safari Mesh (Field-Tested) |
| AUG Akihabara Accept (Well-Worn) | Float: 0.431 | ★ Butterfly Knife Safari Mesh (Field-Tested) |
| AWP Oni Taiji (Factory New) | Float: 0.048 | ★ Talon Knife |
| AK-47 Panthera onca (Factory New) | Float: 0.063 | ★ Ursus Knife Marble Fade (Factory New) |
2024.05.14 21:20 TheMayaEdits [Store] 500+ Knives/Gloves - M9 Sapphire, Emerald BFK Emerald, Ruby Kara Emerald, Ruby, Sapphire Wild Lotus Howl Dragon Lore Desert Hydra Butterfly Gamma, Doppler, TT, Autotronic Kara Fade, Doppler, Gamma, Marble, TT M9 Fade, Doppler, TT Pandora, Hedge, Vice, Superconductor
Hello there! I'm currently trading, buying and selling all sorts of CS:GO skins and inventories via crypto and at all kinds of price ranges. Feel free to DM me or send me an offer with your proposition.
The best way to reach me is by sending me a trade offer via the link below!
Everything that is in my inventory is always up for trade!
If you're looking to sell your skins, I'll be glad to purchase them.
Steam Profile
Inventory Link
Open to any kind of item offers // Feel free to send me trade offers via my trade link below!
Trade Link
Buyouts are negotiable, nothing is set in stone as prices fluctuate. Willing to consider other skins as well as the ones listed for the buyout.
| Knives | Float & Notes | B/O: (negotiable and not limited to items listed below) |
|---|---|---|
| ★ M9 Bayonet Doppler (Factory New) | Float: 0.012 & Black Pearl | 2x ★ Butterfly Knife |
| ★ Flip Knife Doppler (Minimal Wear) | Float: 0.075 & Ruby | 3x ★ M9 Bayonet Autotronic (Field-Tested) |
| ★ Butterfly Knife Lore (Field-Tested) | Float: 0.27 | 3x ★ Karambit Slaughter (Minimal Wear) |
| ★ Butterfly Knife Fade (Factory New) | Float: 0.034 & 94% Faded | 4x ★ M9 Bayonet Tiger Tooth (Factory New) |
| ★ Butterfly Knife Fade (Factory New) | Float: 0.039 & 84% Faded | 4x ★ M9 Bayonet |
| ★ Butterfly Knife Fade (Factory New) | Float: 0.032 & 82% Faded | 4x ★ M9 Bayonet |
| ★ Butterfly Knife Marble Fade (Factory New) | Float: 0.020 | 4x ★ Karambit Blue Steel (Minimal Wear) |
| ★ Butterfly Knife Marble Fade (Factory New) | Float: 0.032 | 4x ★ Bayonet Lore (Field-Tested) |
| ★ Butterfly Knife Marble Fade (Factory New) | Float: 0.033 | 4x ★ Bayonet Lore (Field-Tested) |
| ★ Karambit Gamma Doppler (Factory New) | Float: 0.033 & Phase 2 | 5x ★ Bayonet Lore (Field-Tested) |
| ★ Skeleton Knife Fade (Factory New) | Float: 0.037 & 92% Faded | 4x ★ Bayonet Lore (Field-Tested) |
| ★ Karambit Fade (Factory New) | Float: 0.025 & 96% Faded | 4x ★ Butterfly Knife Ultraviolet (Field-Tested) |
| ★ Huntsman Knife Doppler (Factory New) | Float: 0.032 & Sapphire | 3x ★ Sport Gloves Amphibious (Field-Tested) |
| ★ Huntsman Knife Doppler (Factory New) | Float: 0.006 & Sapphire | 3x ★ Sport Gloves Amphibious (Field-Tested) |
| ★ StatTrak™ Karambit Marble Fade (Factory New) | Float: 0.014 | 4x ★ M9 Bayonet Black Laminate (Minimal Wear) |
| ★ Butterfly Knife | Float: 0.365 | 3x ★ M9 Bayonet Black Laminate (Field-Tested) |
| ★ Butterfly Knife Lore (Well-Worn) | Float: 0.445 | 3x ★ Nomad Knife Slaughter (Factory New) |
| ★ Butterfly Knife Tiger Tooth (Factory New) | Float: 0.035 | 3x ★ Karambit Blue Steel (Minimal Wear) |
| ★ Butterfly Knife Tiger Tooth (Factory New) | Float: 0.035 | 3x ★ Karambit Blue Steel (Minimal Wear) |
| ★ Butterfly Knife Tiger Tooth (Factory New) | Float: 0.026 | 3x ★ Karambit Blue Steel (Minimal Wear) |
| ★ Butterfly Knife Tiger Tooth (Factory New) | Float: 0.049 | 3x ★ Karambit Blue Steel (Minimal Wear) |
| ★ Butterfly Knife Tiger Tooth (Factory New) | Float: 0.027 | 3x ★ Karambit Blue Steel (Minimal Wear) |
| ★ Butterfly Knife Tiger Tooth (Factory New) | Float: 0.042 | 3x ★ Karambit Blue Steel (Minimal Wear) |
| ★ Butterfly Knife Tiger Tooth (Factory New) | Float: 0.060 | 3x ★ Karambit Blue Steel (Minimal Wear) |
| ★ Butterfly Knife Tiger Tooth (Factory New) | Float: 0.033 | 3x ★ Karambit Blue Steel (Minimal Wear) |
| ★ Butterfly Knife Doppler (Factory New) | Float: 0.047 & Phase 4 | 4x ★ Karambit Blue Steel (Minimal Wear) |
| ★ Butterfly Knife Doppler (Factory New) | Float: 0.032 & Phase 2 | 3x ★ Butterfly Knife Night (Field-Tested) |
| ★ Butterfly Knife Doppler (Factory New) | Float: 0.032 & Phase 1 | 3x ★ M9 Bayonet Black Laminate (Field-Tested) |
| ★ Butterfly Knife Doppler (Factory New) | Float: 0.034 & Phase 3 | 3x ★ M9 Bayonet Black Laminate (Minimal Wear) |
| ★ Butterfly Knife Doppler (Factory New) | Float: 0.035 & Phase 3 | 3x ★ M9 Bayonet Black Laminate (Minimal Wear) |
| ★ Butterfly Knife Doppler (Factory New) | Float: 0.042 & Phase 3 | 3x ★ M9 Bayonet Black Laminate (Minimal Wear) |
| ★ Butterfly Knife Doppler (Factory New) | Float: 0.028 & Phase 3 | 3x ★ M9 Bayonet Black Laminate (Minimal Wear) |
| ★ Butterfly Knife Autotronic (Field-Tested) | Float: 0.356 | 3x ★ ★ Nomad Knife Slaughter (Factory New) |
| ★ Butterfly Knife Autotronic (Field-Tested) | Float: 0.336 | 3x ★ ★ Nomad Knife Slaughter (Factory New) |
| ★ Butterfly Knife Autotronic (Field-Tested) | Float: 0.297 | 3x ★ ★ Nomad Knife Slaughter (Factory New) |
| ★ StatTrak™ Butterfly Knife Autotronic (Field-Tested) | Float: 0.340 | 3x ★ M9 Bayonet Slaughter (Field-Tested) |
| ★ Butterfly Knife Slaughter (Minimal Wear) | Float: 0.086 | 3x ★ Bayonet Autotronic (Field-Tested) |
| ★ Butterfly Knife Slaughter (Minimal Wear) | Float: 0.127 | 3x ★ Bayonet Autotronic (Field-Tested) |
| ★ Butterfly Knife Black Laminate (Field-Tested) | Float: 0.322 | 3x ★ Karambit Stained (Well-Worn) |
| ★ Karambit Gamma Doppler (Factory New) | Float: 0.020 & Phase 1 & Clean corner | 3x ★ Talon Knife Crimson Web (Field-Tested) |
| ★ Karambit Tiger Tooth (Factory New) | Float: 0.008 | 3x ★ Ursus Knife Doppler (Factory New) |
| ★ Karambit Tiger Tooth (Factory New) | Float: 0.022 | 3x ★ Ursus Knife Doppler (Factory New) |
| ★ Karambit Tiger Tooth (Factory New) | Float: 0.032 | 3x ★ Ursus Knife Doppler (Factory New) |
| ★ Karambit Tiger Tooth (Factory New) | Float: 0.033 | 3x ★ Ursus Knife Doppler (Factory New) |
| ★ Nomad Knife Fade (Factory New) | Float: 0.032 & 90% Faded | 3x ★ M9 Bayonet Freehand (Field-Tested) |
| ★ Karambit Doppler (Factory New) | Float: 0.013 & Phase 2 | 3x ★ M9 Bayonet Freehand (Minimal Wear) |
| ★ Karambit Doppler (Factory New) | Float: 0.009 & Phase 1 | 3x ★ Flip Knife Autotronic (Minimal Wear) |
| ★ Karambit Doppler (Factory New) | Float: 0.014 & Phase 1 | 3x ★ Flip Knife Autotronic (Minimal Wear) |
| ★ Karambit Doppler (Factory New) | Float: 0.058 & Phase 1 | 3x ★ Flip Knife Autotronic (Minimal Wear) |
| ★ Karambit Lore (Field-Tested) | Float: 0.27 | ★ M9 Bayonet Autotronic (Minimal Wear) |
| ★ StatTrak™ Karambit Doppler (Factory New) | Float: 0.010 & Phase 1 | 3x ★ Flip Knife Autotronic (Minimal Wear) |
| ★ StatTrak™ Karambit Doppler (Factory New) | Float: 0.011 & Phase 2 | 3x ★ Flip Knife Autotronic (Minimal Wear) |
| ★ Skeleton Knife | Float: 0.262 | 3x ★ Karambit Urban Masked (Field-Tested) |
| ★ Skeleton Knife | Float: 0.506 | 3x ★ Karambit Urban Masked (Field-Tested) |
| ★ M9 Bayonet Lore (Field-Tested) | Float: 0.305 | 3x ★ Talon Knife Stained (Field-Tested) |
| ★ StatTrak™ Talon Knife Marble Fade (Factory New) | Float: 0.011 | 3x ★ Bayonet Freehand (Minimal Wear) |
| ★ Butterfly Knife Night (Minimal Wear) | Float: 0.146 | 3x ★ Talon Knife Stained (Field-Tested) |
| ★ M9 Bayonet Gamma Doppler (Factory New) | Float: 0.019 & Phase 1 | 3x ★ Flip Knife Slaughter (Field-Tested) |
| ★ Butterfly Knife Blue Steel (Minimal Wear) | Float: 0.138 | 3x ★ Survival Knife Slaughter (Factory New) |
| ★ M9 Bayonet Autotronic (Minimal Wear) | Float: 0.124 | 3x ★ Survival Knife Slaughter (Factory New) |
| ★ Karambit Damascus Steel (Factory New) | Float: 0.043 | 2x ★ Bayonet Slaughter (Field-Tested) |
| ★ Karambit Damascus Steel (Factory New) | Float: 0.049 | 2x ★ Bayonet Slaughter (Field-Tested) |
| ★ Butterfly Knife Damascus Steel (Field-Tested) | Float: 0.221 | 2x ★ Karambit Stained (Well-Worn) |
| ★ StatTrak™ Bayonet Doppler (Factory New) | Float: 0.019 & Phase 1 | 2x ★ Talon Knife Stained (Well-Worn) |
| ★ Butterfly Knife Bright Water (Well-Worn) | Float: 0.429 | 2x ★ Flip Knife Lore (Minimal Wear) |
| ★ StatTrak™ Karambit | Float: 0.162 | 2x ★ Skeleton Knife Night Stripe (Minimal Wear) |
| ★ M9 Bayonet Doppler (Factory New) | Float: 0.056 & Phase 4 | 2x ★ Skeleton Knife |
| ★ M9 Bayonet Doppler (Factory New) | Float: 0.035 & Phase 2 | 2x ★ M9 Bayonet |
| ★ M9 Bayonet Doppler (Factory New) | Float: 0.032 & Phase 3 | 2x ★ Skeleton Knife |
| ★ Gut Knife Gamma Doppler (Factory New) | Float: 0.013 & Emerald | ★ Butterfly Knife Damascus Steel (Well-Worn) |
| ★ Gut Knife Doppler (Factory New) | Float: 0.026 & Sapphire | ★ Talon Knife Tiger Tooth (Factory New) |
| ★ Butterfly Knife Damascus Steel (Well-Worn) | Float: 0.404 | 2x ★ Paracord Knife Slaughter (Factory New) |
| ★ Bayonet Gamma Doppler (Factory New) | Float: 0.007 & Phase 4 | 2x ★ Karambit Rust Coat (Battle-Scarred) |
| ★ StatTrak™ Talon Knife Tiger Tooth (Factory New) | Float: 0.021 | 2x ★ M9 Bayonet Freehand (Field-Tested) |
| ★ Karambit Crimson Web (Field-Tested) | Float: 0.166 | 2x ★ Karambit Rust Coat (Battle-Scarred) |
| ★ Karambit Autotronic (Battle-Scarred) | Float: 0.707 | 2x ★ M9 Bayonet Freehand (Well-Worn) |
| ★ Classic Knife Fade (Factory New) | Float: 0.002 | 2x ★ Driver Gloves Black Tie (Field-Tested) |
| ★ Butterfly Knife Rust Coat (Battle-Scarred) | Float: 0.575 | 2x ★ Classic Knife |
| ★ Skeleton Knife Case Hardened (Field-Tested) | Float: 0.268 | 2x ★ Talon Knife Ultraviolet (Field-Tested) |
| ★ Butterfly Knife Ultraviolet (Well-Worn) | Float: 0.400 | 2x ★ Bayonet Black Laminate (Minimal Wear) |
| ★ Bayonet Doppler (Factory New) | Float: 0.028 & Phase 2 | 2x ★ Bayonet Black Laminate (Field-Tested) |
| ★ Bayonet Doppler (Factory New) | Float: 0.033 & Phase 1 | 2x ★ Stiletto Knife Crimson Web (Field-Tested) |
| ★ Bayonet Doppler (Factory New) | Float: 0.034 & Phase 1 | 2x ★ Stiletto Knife Crimson Web (Field-Tested) |
| ★ Bayonet Doppler (Factory New) | Float: 0.006 & Phase 3 | 2x ★ Stiletto Knife Crimson Web (Field-Tested) |
| ★ Bayonet Doppler (Factory New) | Float: 0.013 & Phase 3 | 2x ★ Stiletto Knife Crimson Web (Field-Tested) |
| ★ Butterfly Knife Stained (Well-Worn) | Float: 0.440 | 2x ★ Skeleton Knife Forest DDPAT (Minimal Wear) |
| ★ Talon Knife Slaughter (Minimal Wear) | Float: 0.086 | 2x ★ Karambit Urban Masked (Field-Tested) |
| ★ Karambit Bright Water (Factory New) | Float: 0.047 | 2x ★ M9 Bayonet Stained (Field-Tested) |
| ★ Bayonet Slaughter (Factory New) | Float: 0.034 | 2x ★ Huntsman Knife Slaughter (Factory New) |
| ★ StatTrak™ Bayonet Tiger Tooth (Factory New) | Float: 0.008 | 2x ★ Bayonet Black Laminate (Well-Worn) |
| ★ Huntsman Knife Lore (Factory New) | Float: 0.057 | ★ Butterfly Knife Urban Masked (Field-Tested) |
| ★ Bayonet Tiger Tooth (Factory New) | Float: 0.022 | 2x ★ Bayonet Freehand (Field-Tested) |
| ★ Bayonet Tiger Tooth (Factory New) | Float: 0.027 | 2x ★ Bayonet Freehand (Field-Tested) |
| ★ Bayonet Tiger Tooth (Factory New) | Float: 0.028 | 2x ★ Bayonet Freehand (Field-Tested) |
| ★ Bayonet Tiger Tooth (Factory New) | Float: 0.033 | 2x ★ Bayonet Freehand (Field-Tested) |
| ★ Bayonet Tiger Tooth (Factory New) | Float: 0.035 | 2x ★ Bayonet Freehand (Field-Tested) |
| ★ Bayonet Tiger Tooth (Factory New) | Float: 0.041 | 2x ★ Bayonet Freehand (Field-Tested) |
| ★ Bayonet | Float: 0.319 | 2x ★ Skeleton Knife Forest DDPAT (Minimal Wear) |
| ★ Bayonet | Float: 0.694 | 2x ★ Skeleton Knife Forest DDPAT (Minimal Wear) |
| ★ Butterfly Knife Boreal Forest (Field-Tested) | Float: 0.241 | 2x ★ Bayonet Black Laminate (Well-Worn) |
| ★ Karambit Blue Steel (Minimal Wear) | Float: 0.149 | 2x ★ Bayonet Black Laminate (Well-Worn) |
| ★ Butterfly Knife Forest DDPAT (Field-Tested) | Float: 0.187 | 2x ★ Bayonet Blue Steel (Minimal Wear) |
| ★ Skeleton Knife Stained (Minimal Wear) | Float: 0.142 | 2x ★ Bayonet Blue Steel (Minimal Wear) |
| ★ M9 Bayonet Black Laminate (Battle-Scarred) | Float: 0.508 | 2x ★ Bayonet Blue Steel (Minimal Wear) |
| Gloves | Float & Notes | B/O: (negotiable and not limited to items listed below) |
|---|---|---|
| ★ Sport Gloves Pandora's Box (Field-Tested) | Float: 0.36 | 3x ★ Skeleton Knife Crimson Web (Field-Tested) |
| ★ Sport Gloves Superconductor (Field-Tested) | Float: 0.35 | 3x ★ Karambit Black Laminate (Well-Worn) |
| ★ Sport Gloves Hedge Maze (Field-Tested) | Float: 0.35 | 2x ★ M9 Bayonet Lore (Field-Tested) |
| ★ Sport Gloves Vice (Field-Tested) | Float: 0.37 | 2x ★ Sport Gloves Amphibious (Field-Tested) |
| ★ Moto Gloves Spearmint (Field-Tested) | Float: 0.30 | 3x ★ Karambit Black Laminate (Well-Worn) |
| ★ Moto Gloves Spearmint (Field-Tested) | Float: 0.35 | 3x ★ M9 Bayonet Black Laminate (Minimal Wear) |
| ★ Specialist Gloves Fade (Minimal Wear) | Float: 0.131 | 2x ★ M9 Bayonet Autotronic (Minimal Wear) |
| ★ Hand Wraps Cobalt Skulls (Minimal Wear) | Float: 0.084 | 3x ★ Karambit Damascus Steel (Field-Tested) |
| ★ Sport Gloves Hedge Maze (Well-Worn) | Float: 0.412 | 2x ★ M9 Bayonet Autotronic (Well-Worn) |
| ★ Sport Gloves Vice (Battle-Scarred) | Float: 0.777 | 2x ★ Bayonet Autotronic (Well-Worn) |
| ★ Sport Gloves Vice (Battle-Scarred) | Float: 0.750 | 2x ★ Bayonet Autotronic (Well-Worn) |
| ★ Sport Gloves Amphibious (Field-Tested) | Float: 0.35 | 2x ★ Karambit Ultraviolet (Field-Tested) |
| ★ Sport Gloves Amphibious (Field-Tested) | Float: 0.37 | 2x ★ Karambit Ultraviolet (Field-Tested) |
| ★ Sport Gloves Slingshot (Field-Tested) | Float: 0.36 | 2x ★ Karambit Ultraviolet (Field-Tested) |
| ★ Specialist Gloves Tiger Strike (Field-Tested) | Float: 0.33 | 2x ★ M9 Bayonet Freehand (Factory New) |
| ★ Specialist Gloves Tiger Strike (Field-Tested) | Float: 0.36 | 2x ★ M9 Bayonet Freehand (Factory New) |
| ★ Hand Wraps Slaughter (Minimal Wear) | Float: 0.136 | 2x ★ Flip Knife Lore (Field-Tested) |
| ★ Specialist Gloves Field Agent (Field-Tested) | Float: 0.354 | 2x ★ Flip Knife Lore (Field-Tested) |
| ★ Specialist Gloves Fade (Field-Tested) | Float: 0.283 | 2x ★ Bayonet Case Hardened (Well-Worn) |
| ★ Moto Gloves Turtle (Minimal Wear) | Float: 0.140 | ★ Bayonet Doppler (Factory New) |
| ★ Sport Gloves Nocts (Field-Tested) | Float: 0.374 | ★ Skeleton Knife Blue Steel (Field-Tested) |
| ★ Specialist Gloves Emerald Web (Well-Worn) | Float: 0.391 | ★ Karambit Ultraviolet (Field-Tested) |
| ★ Driver Gloves Imperial Plaid (Field-Tested) | Float: 0.316 | ★ Karambit Rust Coat (Battle-Scarred) |
| ★ Driver Gloves Crimson Weave (Field-Tested) | Float: 0.288 | ★ M9 Bayonet Case Hardened (Minimal Wear) |
| ★ Sport Gloves Scarlet Shamagh (Field-Tested) | Float: 0.153 | ★ Butterfly Knife Ultraviolet (Well-Worn) |
| ★ Hand Wraps CAUTION! (Field-Tested) | Float: 0.377 | ★ M9 Bayonet Bright Water (Minimal Wear) |
| ★ Hand Wraps CAUTION! (Field-Tested) | Float: 0.374 | ★ M9 Bayonet Bright Water (Minimal Wear) |
| ★ Sport Gloves Omega (Battle-Scarred) | Float: 0.768 | ★ Sport Gloves Scarlet Shamagh (Field-Tested) |
| ★ Driver Gloves Lunar Weave (Minimal Wear) | Float: 0.129 | ★ Sport Gloves Scarlet Shamagh (Field-Tested) |
| ★ Sport Gloves Nocts (Well-Worn) | Float: 0.384 | ★ Karambit Forest DDPAT (Minimal Wear) |
| ★ Specialist Gloves Crimson Web (Field-Tested) | Float: 0.370 | ★ M9 Bayonet Damascus Steel (Field-Tested) |
| ★ Specialist Gloves Crimson Web (Field-Tested) | Float: 0.366 | ★ M9 Bayonet Damascus Steel (Field-Tested) |
| ★ Moto Gloves Finish Line (Field-Tested) | Float: 0.281 | ★ Karambit Boreal Forest (Field-Tested) |
| ★ Specialist Gloves Fade (Well-Worn) | Float: 0.387 | ★ Talon Knife |
| ★ Moto Gloves Polygon (Field-Tested) | Float: 0.259 | ★ Classic Knife Crimson Web (Field-Tested) |
| ★ Moto Gloves Polygon (Field-Tested) | Float: 0.281 | ★ Classic Knife Crimson Web (Field-Tested) |
| ★ Moto Gloves Polygon (Field-Tested) | Float: 0.326 | ★ Classic Knife Crimson Web (Field-Tested) |
| ★ Moto Gloves Polygon (Field-Tested) | Float: 0.360 | ★ Classic Knife Crimson Web (Field-Tested) |
| ★ Sport Gloves Scarlet Shamagh (Well-Worn) | Float: 0.416 | ★ Talon Knife Case Hardened (Well-Worn) |
| ★ Sport Gloves Slingshot (Battle-Scarred) | Float: 0.704 | ★ M9 Bayonet Freehand (Field-Tested) |
| ★ Specialist Gloves Marble Fade (Well-Worn) | Float: 0.416 | ★ Bayonet Autotronic (Battle-Scarred) |
| ★ Moto Gloves Smoke Out (Field-Tested) | Float: 0.355 | ★ Bayonet Freehand (Factory New) |
| Weapon Skins | Float & Notes | B/O: (negotiable and not limited to items listed below) |
|---|---|---|
| AK-47 Case Hardened (Well-Worn) | 0.39 Float & Pattern #321 Blue Gem | 8x ★ Butterfly Knife Blue Steel (Minimal Wear) |
| AWP Desert Hydra (Minimal Wear) | Float: 0.14 | 4x ★ Karambit Freehand (Factory New) |
| AWP Medusa (Field-Tested) | Float: 0.20 & Skadoodle (Gold) | 4x ★ M9 Bayonet Autotronic (Well-Worn) |
| AWP Medusa (Well-Worn) | Float: 0.42 & Crown (Foil) | 4x ★ Butterfly Knife Rust Coat (Battle-Scarred) |
| AK-47 Hydroponic (Factory New) | Float: 0.054 | 3x ★ Driver Gloves King Snake (Field-Tested) |
| AK-47 Hydroponic (Minimal Wear) | Float: 0.141 | 3x ★ M9 Bayonet Freehand (Factory New) |
| MP9 Wild Lily (Minimal Wear) | Float: 0.088 | 3x ★ M9 Bayonet Freehand (Factory New) |
| AK-47 Fire Serpent (Field-Tested) | Float: 0.250 | 2x ★ Bayonet Autotronic (Well-Worn) |
| AK-47 Fire Serpent (Field-Tested) | Float: 0.280 | 2x ★ Karambit Bright Water (Field-Tested) |
| AK-47 Fire Serpent (Field-Tested) | Float: 0.365 | ★ Karambit |
| M4A1-S Hot Rod (Factory New) | Float: 0.014 | ★ Bayonet Marble Fade (Factory New) |
| M4A1-S Hot Rod (Factory New) | Float: 0.025 | ★ Karambit Black Laminate (Minimal Wear) |
| Desert Eagle Blaze (Factory New) | Float: 0.032 | ★ Skeleton Knife Blue Steel (Minimal Wear) |
| AK-47 Vulcan (Factory New) | Float: 0.061 | ★ Butterfly Knife Night (Well-Worn) |
| AWP Lightning Strike (Factory New) | Float: 0.034 | ★ Karambit Bright Water (Minimal Wear) |
| AWP Lightning Strike (Minimal Wear) | Float: 0.074 | ★ Karambit Bright Water (Minimal Wear) |
| AK-47 Fire Serpent (Battle-Scarred) | Float: 0.515 & IBP 2014 COL HOLO | ★ M9 Bayonet Doppler (Factory New) |
| AK-47 Fire Serpent (Battle-Scarred) | Float: 0.727 | ★ Butterfly Knife Safari Mesh (Field-Tested) |
| AUG Akihabara Accept (Well-Worn) | Float: 0.431 | ★ Butterfly Knife Safari Mesh (Field-Tested) |
| AWP Oni Taiji (Factory New) | Float: 0.048 | ★ Talon Knife |
| AK-47 Panthera onca (Factory New) | Float: 0.063 | ★ Ursus Knife Marble Fade (Factory New) |
2024.05.14 21:19 Jazzlike_Elk_6535 I'm an irredeemable monster who deserves nothing but suffering and a slow painful death.
NSFW Warning
I truly don't know what to do anymore, I'm completely lost.
I'm a 20 year old male with autism and possible OCD.
There are many things I want to talk about so this is going to be really long and unorganised.
From age 18 up until last year, I viewed and masturbated to CSAM, and the way I went about getting hold of it is equally bad, if not worse. I cannot express in words the shame and remorse I feel for this.
I know most of you hate me now and I don't blame you, and I guarantee you I hate myself more for it.
The most confusing part about it is I don't find children attractive, there's no groinal response, urges, desires, arousal, nothing. I don't even take a second glance or stare, the only thing I have is intrusive thoughts. Recently I was sat in the corner of a crowded bus, and since there was nowhere else to sit, three boys, none of which could have been older than 13 sat by me, one next to me, and the other two across from me, to which I felt nothing of that nature whatsoever.
My instincts when I've been around children in recent times is purely parental and protective.
I'd never hurt a child, especially in that way, I'd slit my wrists or set myself on fire before I did that, I might just slit my wrists anyway.
I'd run into a burning building, I'd run out onto a busy road, I'd give my life to save a child's life.
I don't go out of my way to be around children, I find them for the most part irritating, I don't hate them though. Throughout my entire life I preferred the company of adults. I even live across from a playground ffs.
I'm scarred for life by some of the things I saw in those images and videos, how the hell could someone do something like that?! I want to climb through the screen and protect those kids, give them a hug and let them know nothing can hurt them anymore.
I stumbled across an image hosting site when I was 16 whilst trying to find material involving my peers again, and the site hosted lots of cropped images of teens on webcams and older kids on webcams (it was obvious what they were doing), and on the page for the accounts, it usually displayed an email where stuff could be traded, but I didn't pursue that until 2 years later.
I went about acquiring it through sending old images and videos of myself, and in a lot worse way as well.
Starting from 14 up until last year, I very occasionally placed my phone in the bathroom and filmed my friends urinating, this happened definitely less than ten times, and most of them I deleted from everywhere, but I kept one and a screenshot of a few others, I started posting these images, as well as my own nudes, on an old reddit account which was deleted not long after, I made sure to hide their identities while doing this, I enjoyed the attention and compliments I would get, and I loved bigging up my friends and seeing them get compliments.
Then I used this content to acquire the bad stuff years later, including the stuff of me.
I had an Idea that this was considered wrong but I didn't understand how it could have been harmful.
This happened to less than 5 friends, all the content I had I have long since deleted and wiped any access to, and I have no intention to do this again, but the main issue is the fact that copies could have been made of it, and I accidentally sent the uncropped video once. There's the possibility none of this stuff is out there, but it's still vile and repulsive.
One of them was my closest friend, who I had known basically all my life, I broke down to him and told him what I had done and what I believe does me to this awful, reprehensible place, and you know what he did? He told me he forgave me and that some video possibly being out there doesn't phase him and his life isn't ruined at all and it will go on either way.
But he understandably said we can't see each other anymore, that he still loves me, believes I'm a good person and wants me to live a good life and make the world a better place, which was a dream of ours.
It's extra difficult because we were so close, we had experienced so much together, held all the same interests and beliefs, and I loved him only like family could, so the fact I committed this vile act of betrayal rids me with so much shame, and deservedly so. In a way I find it harder to get through because I didn't understand the true consequences of my actions and how this could have affected him and others, it would be less confusing and easier to accept I'm just the lowest form of humanity that way.
I displayed other problematic behaviours from a young age, all to do with boundary issues, I sometimes used to touch my friends when I was 12 but never their actual genitals, and I used to jokingly show my erection to people as well.
The only constant that I knew for certain is wrong is genuine rape and molestation, which is a line I know for certain I could never cross, and never will.
From a very young age (around 3 or 4) my mother would do very inappropriate party tricks around me with her friends late at night when they were drinking, her friends would call me sexy, and as I got older and hit puberty, she started making comments about my bulge and other things despite the fact I hated it and told her so.
When I was 7 I was groomed and molested by an 8 year old boy, I wanted him to help me pass a level on my DS game and he said he'll do it if I have sex with him, me being 7 I didn't understand what that was and with him being older I complied. We were naked during this, he fondled my genitals and got me to do the same to him, he inserted his fingers into my anus as well.
When I was 10, two of my close friends groomed me, they simulated blowjobs on each other and got me to do the same to them.
When I was 11, my 12 year old friend groomed and molested me despite me protesting, he got me to get in my bed with him and he rubbed up against me. Earlier that day he also got me to sit in his lap whilst cuddling me from behind, we were wearing underwear.
When I was 13, that same friend when he was nearly 14 and another friend who was already 14 groomed and molested me in my pool again, I had an erection in the pool and jokingly showed one of them it, and it escalated from there. They both got naked and got me to do so, I protested but eventually gave in to the pressure, they also showed each other their genitals and got me to do the same, later that boy got me to sit in his lap again whilst the older boy rubbed up against me.
There was also just the normal experimenting stuff, one of my friends used to show me his erections and I would do the same.
All of my friends were going through puberty and their bodies were changing and so was mine, which I found incredibly fascinating and arousing, and I had seen most of my friends genitals and some other students genitals throughout growing up, so me being young and autistic, I became very curious.
Kids before finishing Elementary/Primary School were swearing and talking about sex, then as I got older (11) kids were drinking, smoking, doing drugs, talking about masturbation habits and apparently having genuine sex. Then by the time I was 13, there was a lot of students taking nudes, nudes being spread around school and nudes being leaked (including mine, which distressed me for a few days, but only because people knew they were mine, if they were spread around but they didn't know it was me, I wouldn't have cared), kids with condoms and other stuff etc.
I started watching non-pornographic sexual content online (sex scenes from movies, TV shows, games etc) at age 9 which I would genuinely get an erection from watching.
At age 10 I hit puberty (testicles largened) and I started masturbating to non pornographic stuff. Including videos of animals mating. I also tried to find stuff involving my peers and found a fake video of stuff suggestive of that.
At 11 I started to grow pubic hair and had my first ejaculations, as well as discover porn, and I had my first crush which was on a 12 year old boy who was another friend, who I would masturbate to. This crush lasted a number of years, but he was straight so it couldn't go anywhere. This was also the age I started taking nudes and videos of me masturbating.
At 12 I started to grow underarm har and facial hair began to appear on my upper lip, I was watching porn very heavily at this point.
At 13 my voice had broken and I was nearly my full adult height, this was also the age I first masturbated to a non-sexual nude image of a child. As well as videos of stuff like naturism and videos of circumcision (I don't have a pain or gore fetish, I would just blank it out and focus on the genitals.)
By 14 I was my full adult height, I had adult sized ejacualtions and my penis had fully grown. And that is when I started posting my nudes online. To which I would have sexual conversations with adults, not knowing I was setting myself up to be groomed and have something normalised in my head which shouldn't be.
By 15 I was growing facial hair, as well as chest and abdominal hair. And I found a shotacon involving a boy my age having sex with an adult woman, and I would pretend to be him.
At 17, a 19 year old flirted with me and got me into sending nudes to him, and he did the same, which I didn't see as bad and despite it being technically illegal, I still don't.
I also did the same when I was 19 with a 17 year old stranger online, but they were very willing and I didn't pressure them, no personal info was shared between us.
I also messaged a 15 and 14 year old at some point but stopped myself from letting it go any further. And cut them off before anything could be shared.
And when I started watching the CSAM, it was mostly teens 9n webcams that I watched, I was lured into thinking that this content isn't kids being assaulted or anything (which it is) and due to my experiences twisting my view, I thought kids were enjoying it (which they weren't) since I would have had enjoyed it at that age (which I wouldn't have) it wasn't until I saw unmistakable suffering which is when I stopped and vowed to never go there again. It was mostly stuff involving boys, the stuff involving girls I just found too revolting. I wanted to relive those experiences, go back to a time I was happier. It felt safe and comforting.
All of these experiencs warped my views and understanding of things, desensitised me and made me believe things were ok that weren't and that kids aren't as innocent as they are seen to be (which they are). I have never commited rape or an act of molestation and never will, these are acts I've always seen as vile and disgusting.
I've suffered with mental health issues for a long time as well.
I've struggled with feelings of self-hatred and worthlessness since around 9 or 10.
I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety at 13, I've been self harming and suicidal since 15, I've also been attempting suicide since 15.
I've always felt like the odd one out, I always felt like I was the worst at everything, I was the one who was left out of games at school, the one who was always picked last in sports.
I was bullied a lot growing up, by students and occasionally teachers alike.
My mother is narcissistic and has been emotionally and occasionally physically abusive to me since I was 14 (telling me she hates me and that everyone else hates me, tells me how horrible I am, tells me that I should kill myself and do everyone a favour, threatened to stab me in my sleep, hit me on the occasion, bit me, threw things at me, including heavy things and glass, strangled me).
I truly don't know what to do anymore, I'm completely lost.
I'm a 20 year old male with autism and possible OCD.
There are many things I want to talk about so this is going to be really long and unorganised.
From age 18 up until last year, I viewed and masturbated to CSAM, and the way I went about getting hold of it is equally bad, if not worse. I cannot express in words the shame and remorse I feel for this.
I know most of you hate me now and I don't blame you, and I guarantee you I hate myself more for it.
The most confusing part about it is I don't find children attractive, there's no groinal response, urges, desires, arousal, nothing. I don't even take a second glance or stare, the only thing I have is intrusive thoughts. Recently I was sat in the corner of a crowded bus, and since there was nowhere else to sit, three boys, none of which could have been older than 13 sat by me, one next to me, and the other two across from me, to which I felt nothing of that nature whatsoever.
I'm sexually attracted to males 20 and over, and I'm romantically and sexually attracted to females 20 and over, I wouldn't even date an 18 or 19 year old.
My instincts when I've been around children in recent times is purely parental and protective.
I'd never hurt a child, especially in that way, I'd slit my wrists or set myself on fire before I did that, I might just slit my wrists anyway.
I'd run into a burning building, I'd run out onto a busy road, I'd give my life to save a child's life.
I don't go out of my way to be around children, I find them for the most part irritating, I don't hate them though. Throughout my entire life I preferred the company of adults. I even live across from a playground ffs.
I'm scarred for life by some of the things I saw in those images and videos, how the hell could someone do something like that?! I want to climb through the screen and protect those kids, give them a hug and let them know nothing can hurt them anymore.
I stumbled across an image hosting site when I was 16 whilst trying to find material involving my peers again, and the site hosted lots of cropped images of teens on webcams and older kids on webcams (it was obvious what they were doing), and on the page for the accounts, it usually displayed an email where stuff could be traded, but I didn't pursue that until 2 years later.
I went about acquiring it through sending old images and videos of myself, and in a lot worse way as well.
Starting from 14 up until last year, I very occasionally placed my phone in the bathroom and filmed my friends urinating, this happened definitely less than ten times, and most of them I deleted from everywhere, but I kept one and a screenshot of a few others, I started posting these images, as well as my own nudes, on an old reddit account which was deleted not long after, I made sure to hide their identities while doing this, I enjoyed the attention and compliments I would get, and I loved bigging up my friends and seeing them get compliments.
Then I used this content to acquire the bad stuff years later, including the stuff of me.
I had an Idea that this was considered wrong but I didn't understand how it could have been harmful.
This happened to less than 5 friends, all the content I had I have long since deleted and wiped any access to, and I have no intention to do this again, but the main issue is the fact that copies could have been made of it, and I accidentally sent the uncropped video once. There's the possibility none of this stuff is out there, but it's still vile and repulsive.
One of them was my closest friend, who I had known basically all my life, I broke down to him and told him what I had done and what I believe does me to this awful, reprehensible place, and you know what he did? He told me he forgave me and that some video possibly being out there doesn't phase him and his life isn't ruined at all and it will go on either way.
But he understandably said we can't see each other anymore, that he still loves me, believes I'm a good person and wants me to live a good life and make the world a better place, which was a dream of ours.
It's extra difficult because we were so close, we had experienced so much together, held all the same interests and beliefs, and I loved him only like family could, so the fact I committed this vile act of betrayal rids me with so much shame, and deservedly so. In a way I find it harder to get through because I didn't understand the true consequences of my actions and how this could have affected him and others, it would be less confusing and easier to accept I'm just the lowest form of humanity that way.
The other two friends I stopped communicating with, I wiped the account wiped the content from all areas they were stored on, deleted what they were stored, everything, and there is a possibility it's not out their at all.
I displayed other problematic behaviours from a young age, all to do with boundary issues, I sometimes used to touch my friends when I was 12 but never their actual genitals, and I used to jokingly show my erection to people as well.
The only constant that I knew for certain is wrong is genuine rape and molestation, which is a line I know for certain I could never cross, and never will.
From a very young age (around 3 or 4) my mother would do very inappropriate party tricks around me with her friends late at night when they were drinking, her friends would call me sexy, and as I got older and hit puberty, she started making comments about my bulge and other things despite the fact I hated it and told her so.
When I was 7 I was groomed and molested by an 8 year old boy, I wanted him to help me pass a level on my DS game and he said he'll do it if I have sex with him, me being 7 I didn't understand what that was and with him being older I complied. We were naked during this, he fondled my genitals and got me to do the same to him, he inserted his fingers into my anus as well.
When I was 10, two of my close friends groomed me, they simulated blowjobs on each other and got me to do the same to them.
When I was 11, my 12 year old friend groomed and molested me despite me protesting, he got me to get in my bed with him and he rubbed up against me. Earlier that day he also got me to sit in his lap whilst cuddling me from behind, we were wearing underwear.
When I was 13, that same friend when he was nearly 14 and another friend who was already 14 groomed and molested me in my pool again, I had an erection in the pool and jokingly showed one of them it, and it escalated from there. They both got naked and got me to do so, I protested but eventually gave in to the pressure, they also showed each other their genitals and got me to do the same, later that boy got me to sit in his lap again whilst the older boy rubbed up against me.
There was also just the normal experimenting stuff, one of my friends used to show me his erections and I would do the same.
All of my friends were going through puberty and their bodies were changing and so was mine, which I found incredibly fascinating and arousing, and I had seen most of my friends genitals and some other students genitals throughout growing up, so me being young and autistic, I became very curious.
Kids before finishing Elementary/Primary School were swearing and talking about sex, then as I got older (11) kids were drinking, smoking, doing drugs, talking about masturbation habits and apparently having genuine sex. Then by the time I was 13, there was a lot of students taking nudes, nudes being spread around school and nudes being leaked (including mine, which distressed me for a few days, but only because people knew they were mine, if they were spread around but they didn't know it was me, I wouldn't have cared), kids with condoms and other stuff etc.
I started watching non-pornographic sexual content online (sex scenes from movies, TV shows, games etc) at age 9 which I would genuinely get an erection from watching.
At age 10 I hit puberty (testicles largened) and I started masturbating to non pornographic stuff. Including videos of animals mating. I also tried to find stuff involving my peers and found a fake video of stuff suggestive of that.
At 11 I started to grow pubic hair and had my first ejaculations, as well as discover porn, there was also an image I masturbated to which depicted a boy of my age giving oral to a man, and I had my first crush which was on a 12 year old boy who was another friend, who I would masturbate to. This crush lasted a number of years, but he was straight so it couldn't go anywhere. This was also the age I started taking nudes and videos of me masturbating.
At 12 I started to grow underarm har and facial hair began to appear on my upper lip, I was watching porn very heavily at this point.
At 13 my voice had broken and I was nearly my full adult height, this was also the age I first masturbated to a non-sexual nude image of a child. As well as videos of stuff like naturism and videos of circumcision (I don't have a pain or gore fetish, I would just blank it out and focus on the genitals.)
By 14 I was my full adult height, I had adult sized ejacualtions and my penis had fully grown. And that is when I started posting my nudes online. To which I would have sexual conversations with adults, not knowing I was setting myself up to be groomed and have something normalised in my head which shouldn't be.
By 15 I was growing facial hair, as well as chest and abdominal hair. And I found a shotacon involving a boy my age having sex with an adult woman, and I would pretend to be him.
At 17, a 19 year old flirted with me and got me into sending nudes to him, and he did the same, which I didn't see as bad and despite it being technically illegal, I still don't.
I also did the same when I was 19 with a 17 year old stranger online, but they were very willing and I didn't pressure them, no personal info was shared between us.
I also messaged a 15 and 14 year old at some point but stopped myself from letting it go any further. And cut them off before anything could be shared, or any messages could be exchanged for that matter.
And when I started watching the CSAM, it was mostly teens 9n webcams that I watched, I was lured into thinking that this content isn't kids being assaulted or anything (which it is) and due to my experiences twisting my view, I thought kids were enjoying it (which they weren't) since I would have had enjoyed it at that age (which I wouldn't have), it wasn't until I saw unmistakable suffering which is when I stopped and vowed to never go there again. It was mostly stuff involving boys, the stuff involving girls I just found too revolting. I wanted to relive those experiences, go back to a time I was happier. It felt safe and comforting. It was relatable.
All of these experiencs warped my views and understanding of things, desensitised me and made me believe things were ok that weren't and that kids aren't as innocent as they are seen to be (which they are). I have never commited rape or an act of molestation and never will, these are acts I've always seen as vile and disgusting.
I've suffered with mental health issues for a long time as well.
I've struggled with feelings of self-hatred and worthlessness since around 9 or 10.
I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety at 13, I've been self harming and suicidal since 15, I've also been attempting suicide since 15.
I've always felt like the odd one out, I always felt like I was the worst at everything, I was the one who was left out of games at school, the one who was always picked last in sports.
I was bullied a lot growing up, by students and occasionally teachers alike, and even my boss at my first job.
My mother is a heavy drinker, narcissistic and has been emotionally and occasionally physically abusive to me since I was 14 (telling me she hates me and that everyone else hates me, tells me how horrible I am, tells me that I should kill myself and do everyone a favour, threatened to stab me in my sleep, hit me on the occasion, bit me, threw things at me, including heavy things and glass, strangled me). There was also manipulation tactics like gaslighting, she alienated me from others by telling her friends and family how awful I was. Pushed me into meltdowns and got me to lash out, to which she called the police and got me arrested and made me look like the bad one on multiple occasions.
My father was a drug addict who died when I was 14, I saw him less than ten times my whole life, he grew drugs in my room when I was an infant, my most distinct memory is him coming to my house very late one night when I was around 9 or 10 talking about demons and bad spirits.
Addiction runs in my family (my father's father is an equally heavy drinker, his mother is a drug addict who ran a brothel), so the addictive tendencies have been past down to me.
I probably was addicted to porn by 13, and had been feeding it for years without knowing it.
My adopted grandfather died when I was 4, and my adopted grandmother (which I lived with from birth) who was my guiding light, died less than a week before my dad did.
The only father figure I really had (who was an alcoholic but otherwise very good with me) was my mother's partner who she met when I was 6, and he died when I was 8.
I was also very close to my mother's best friend, who had been more of a mother to me than my actual one had been some time died when I was 17.
My mother had an abusive ex who stalked her and threatened to set fire to the house, who also left ranting letters and stood in the back garden at night, so we lived in fear of stuff like that for over a year from when I was 12 through 13.
She also had an abusive lodger who was an even heavier drinker than she is, so from when I was 14 through 16 I witnessed them physically fight, both get arrested and on a few occasions I had to defend her from him.
Many of my friends have betrayed me over the years (I know I'm one to talk) but when this started to happen I would have never dreamed of betraying anyone, personal stuff was shared about me which I trusted them with, there was a lot of bad talking about me without me knowing. My toe closest friend turned on me at age 12 and isolated me from my other friends, I blamed myself at the time which I why I moved schools at 13 since I thought I was just making everyone miserable.
I didn't get diagnosed with autism until I was q9 despite trying to get it since I was 12, it hurt knowing I had been paying my whole life for being different, feeling ashamed of who I am (and rightly so now really), wondering why what I said was offensive, why I didn't understandfulky why this was wrong, why I was so sensitive to jokes, why I took e everyhing literally, why I made impulsive and reckless decisions without understanding the consequences of them.
I was never considered attractive and was ridiculed for it (girls used to jokingly flirt with me to torment me at school). I'm 5'6, always have struggled with weight, hairline started receding at 16, eczema so my skin is always red, dry and flaky, really bad diastema and acid reflux which means it's really hard to make my breath smell nice and my teeth are very worn because of it. I have had sex with someone who was older than me and we were both consenting adults, and we were both very respectful of boundaries.
I was also desensitised to other things slide gore and violence, I played a lot of violent video games when I was a kid, my mother is really into controversial shock movies (she got me to watch Cannibal Holocaust with her when I was 11).
The worst part about all of this is the fact all my friends who I love would hate me if they knew about what I've done so, none of them would trust me anymore or respect me, which is what friendships are all about right? So in a way they feel strange, they feel fake.
I could never find a relationship or true love because nobody wants to date a serial sex offender.
I hate knowing the fact I'm a sex offender, it's eating me alive.
I'm not registered and there is no real proof of what I did, so I can't turn myself in or anything.
I want to do good in the world, I have so much love to give, but it feels wrong me helping people because it feels like there is a sinister undertone to everything I do.
I've always enjoyed being charitable, I love giving money to the homeless or putting change in a donations box.
I feel guilty whenever I feel hapoy since I don't deserve to be, the only things that I enjoy now are food and playing video games, it's the only job I get out of day to day life.
The only fate I deserve is being stabbed to death in prison or something.
All I want is to be loved and accepted despite my flaws and mistakes, but I never could be.
The only other person I've told is my mother, who has been supportive.
I've been on antidepressants since 18 and I'm trying to get therapy, but I'm not hoping or expecting anything good will happen from this. I've been in and out of therapy since I was 11.
I had dreams, I had aspirations, I wanted to change the world for the better, I wanted to have a son, not to hurt him, but so he doesn't end up like me, but I reliase that is not possible. I don't deserve to be around children.
I hate keeping secrets, but I have no choice but to keep this one.
I want to identify with good people, but I can't.
Every good thing I do is invalidated now.
I forgive everyone who has wronged me in anyway, since I'm worse than them.
I just pray I can go out doing good, doing the right thing.
I am no better than Jimmy Saville, Ian Watkins or any of them types of people.
If you want to motivate me to end it all, feel free.
If you have read through all of this, thank you.
submitted by Jazzlike_Elk_6535 to confessions [link] [comments]
I truly don't know what to do anymore, I'm completely lost.
I'm a 20 year old male with autism and possible OCD.
There are many things I want to talk about so this is going to be really long and unorganised.
From age 18 up until last year, I viewed and masturbated to CSAM, and the way I went about getting hold of it is equally bad, if not worse. I cannot express in words the shame and remorse I feel for this.
I know most of you hate me now and I don't blame you, and I guarantee you I hate myself more for it.
The most confusing part about it is I don't find children attractive, there's no groinal response, urges, desires, arousal, nothing. I don't even take a second glance or stare, the only thing I have is intrusive thoughts. Recently I was sat in the corner of a crowded bus, and since there was nowhere else to sit, three boys, none of which could have been older than 13 sat by me, one next to me, and the other two across from me, to which I felt nothing of that nature whatsoever.
My instincts when I've been around children in recent times is purely parental and protective.
I'd never hurt a child, especially in that way, I'd slit my wrists or set myself on fire before I did that, I might just slit my wrists anyway.
I'd run into a burning building, I'd run out onto a busy road, I'd give my life to save a child's life.
I don't go out of my way to be around children, I find them for the most part irritating, I don't hate them though. Throughout my entire life I preferred the company of adults. I even live across from a playground ffs.
I'm scarred for life by some of the things I saw in those images and videos, how the hell could someone do something like that?! I want to climb through the screen and protect those kids, give them a hug and let them know nothing can hurt them anymore.
I stumbled across an image hosting site when I was 16 whilst trying to find material involving my peers again, and the site hosted lots of cropped images of teens on webcams and older kids on webcams (it was obvious what they were doing), and on the page for the accounts, it usually displayed an email where stuff could be traded, but I didn't pursue that until 2 years later.
I went about acquiring it through sending old images and videos of myself, and in a lot worse way as well.
Starting from 14 up until last year, I very occasionally placed my phone in the bathroom and filmed my friends urinating, this happened definitely less than ten times, and most of them I deleted from everywhere, but I kept one and a screenshot of a few others, I started posting these images, as well as my own nudes, on an old reddit account which was deleted not long after, I made sure to hide their identities while doing this, I enjoyed the attention and compliments I would get, and I loved bigging up my friends and seeing them get compliments.
Then I used this content to acquire the bad stuff years later, including the stuff of me.
I had an Idea that this was considered wrong but I didn't understand how it could have been harmful.
This happened to less than 5 friends, all the content I had I have long since deleted and wiped any access to, and I have no intention to do this again, but the main issue is the fact that copies could have been made of it, and I accidentally sent the uncropped video once. There's the possibility none of this stuff is out there, but it's still vile and repulsive.
One of them was my closest friend, who I had known basically all my life, I broke down to him and told him what I had done and what I believe does me to this awful, reprehensible place, and you know what he did? He told me he forgave me and that some video possibly being out there doesn't phase him and his life isn't ruined at all and it will go on either way.
But he understandably said we can't see each other anymore, that he still loves me, believes I'm a good person and wants me to live a good life and make the world a better place, which was a dream of ours.
It's extra difficult because we were so close, we had experienced so much together, held all the same interests and beliefs, and I loved him only like family could, so the fact I committed this vile act of betrayal rids me with so much shame, and deservedly so. In a way I find it harder to get through because I didn't understand the true consequences of my actions and how this could have affected him and others, it would be less confusing and easier to accept I'm just the lowest form of humanity that way.
I displayed other problematic behaviours from a young age, all to do with boundary issues, I sometimes used to touch my friends when I was 12 but never their actual genitals, and I used to jokingly show my erection to people as well.
The only constant that I knew for certain is wrong is genuine rape and molestation, which is a line I know for certain I could never cross, and never will.
From a very young age (around 3 or 4) my mother would do very inappropriate party tricks around me with her friends late at night when they were drinking, her friends would call me sexy, and as I got older and hit puberty, she started making comments about my bulge and other things despite the fact I hated it and told her so.
When I was 7 I was groomed and molested by an 8 year old boy, I wanted him to help me pass a level on my DS game and he said he'll do it if I have sex with him, me being 7 I didn't understand what that was and with him being older I complied. We were naked during this, he fondled my genitals and got me to do the same to him, he inserted his fingers into my anus as well.
When I was 10, two of my close friends groomed me, they simulated blowjobs on each other and got me to do the same to them.
When I was 11, my 12 year old friend groomed and molested me despite me protesting, he got me to get in my bed with him and he rubbed up against me. Earlier that day he also got me to sit in his lap whilst cuddling me from behind, we were wearing underwear.
When I was 13, that same friend when he was nearly 14 and another friend who was already 14 groomed and molested me in my pool again, I had an erection in the pool and jokingly showed one of them it, and it escalated from there. They both got naked and got me to do so, I protested but eventually gave in to the pressure, they also showed each other their genitals and got me to do the same, later that boy got me to sit in his lap again whilst the older boy rubbed up against me.
There was also just the normal experimenting stuff, one of my friends used to show me his erections and I would do the same.
All of my friends were going through puberty and their bodies were changing and so was mine, which I found incredibly fascinating and arousing, and I had seen most of my friends genitals and some other students genitals throughout growing up, so me being young and autistic, I became very curious.
Kids before finishing Elementary/Primary School were swearing and talking about sex, then as I got older (11) kids were drinking, smoking, doing drugs, talking about masturbation habits and apparently having genuine sex. Then by the time I was 13, there was a lot of students taking nudes, nudes being spread around school and nudes being leaked (including mine, which distressed me for a few days, but only because people knew they were mine, if they were spread around but they didn't know it was me, I wouldn't have cared), kids with condoms and other stuff etc.
I started watching non-pornographic sexual content online (sex scenes from movies, TV shows, games etc) at age 9 which I would genuinely get an erection from watching.
At age 10 I hit puberty (testicles largened) and I started masturbating to non pornographic stuff. Including videos of animals mating. I also tried to find stuff involving my peers and found a fake video of stuff suggestive of that.
At 11 I started to grow pubic hair and had my first ejaculations, as well as discover porn, and I had my first crush which was on a 12 year old boy who was another friend, who I would masturbate to. This crush lasted a number of years, but he was straight so it couldn't go anywhere. This was also the age I started taking nudes and videos of me masturbating.
At 12 I started to grow underarm har and facial hair began to appear on my upper lip, I was watching porn very heavily at this point.
At 13 my voice had broken and I was nearly my full adult height, this was also the age I first masturbated to a non-sexual nude image of a child. As well as videos of stuff like naturism and videos of circumcision (I don't have a pain or gore fetish, I would just blank it out and focus on the genitals.)
By 14 I was my full adult height, I had adult sized ejacualtions and my penis had fully grown. And that is when I started posting my nudes online. To which I would have sexual conversations with adults, not knowing I was setting myself up to be groomed and have something normalised in my head which shouldn't be.
By 15 I was growing facial hair, as well as chest and abdominal hair. And I found a shotacon involving a boy my age having sex with an adult woman, and I would pretend to be him.
At 17, a 19 year old flirted with me and got me into sending nudes to him, and he did the same, which I didn't see as bad and despite it being technically illegal, I still don't.
I also did the same when I was 19 with a 17 year old stranger online, but they were very willing and I didn't pressure them, no personal info was shared between us.
I also messaged a 15 and 14 year old at some point but stopped myself from letting it go any further. And cut them off before anything could be shared.
And when I started watching the CSAM, it was mostly teens 9n webcams that I watched, I was lured into thinking that this content isn't kids being assaulted or anything (which it is) and due to my experiences twisting my view, I thought kids were enjoying it (which they weren't) since I would have had enjoyed it at that age (which I wouldn't have) it wasn't until I saw unmistakable suffering which is when I stopped and vowed to never go there again. It was mostly stuff involving boys, the stuff involving girls I just found too revolting. I wanted to relive those experiences, go back to a time I was happier. It felt safe and comforting.
All of these experiencs warped my views and understanding of things, desensitised me and made me believe things were ok that weren't and that kids aren't as innocent as they are seen to be (which they are). I have never commited rape or an act of molestation and never will, these are acts I've always seen as vile and disgusting.
I've suffered with mental health issues for a long time as well.
I've struggled with feelings of self-hatred and worthlessness since around 9 or 10.
I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety at 13, I've been self harming and suicidal since 15, I've also been attempting suicide since 15.
I've always felt like the odd one out, I always felt like I was the worst at everything, I was the one who was left out of games at school, the one who was always picked last in sports.
I was bullied a lot growing up, by students and occasionally teachers alike.
My mother is narcissistic and has been emotionally and occasionally physically abusive to me since I was 14 (telling me she hates me and that everyone else hates me, tells me how horrible I am, tells me that I should kill myself and do everyone a favour, threatened to stab me in my sleep, hit me on the occasion, bit me, threw things at me, including heavy things and glass, strangled me).
I truly don't know what to do anymore, I'm completely lost.
I'm a 20 year old male with autism and possible OCD.
There are many things I want to talk about so this is going to be really long and unorganised.
From age 18 up until last year, I viewed and masturbated to CSAM, and the way I went about getting hold of it is equally bad, if not worse. I cannot express in words the shame and remorse I feel for this.
I know most of you hate me now and I don't blame you, and I guarantee you I hate myself more for it.
The most confusing part about it is I don't find children attractive, there's no groinal response, urges, desires, arousal, nothing. I don't even take a second glance or stare, the only thing I have is intrusive thoughts. Recently I was sat in the corner of a crowded bus, and since there was nowhere else to sit, three boys, none of which could have been older than 13 sat by me, one next to me, and the other two across from me, to which I felt nothing of that nature whatsoever.
I'm sexually attracted to males 20 and over, and I'm romantically and sexually attracted to females 20 and over, I wouldn't even date an 18 or 19 year old.
My instincts when I've been around children in recent times is purely parental and protective.
I'd never hurt a child, especially in that way, I'd slit my wrists or set myself on fire before I did that, I might just slit my wrists anyway.
I'd run into a burning building, I'd run out onto a busy road, I'd give my life to save a child's life.
I don't go out of my way to be around children, I find them for the most part irritating, I don't hate them though. Throughout my entire life I preferred the company of adults. I even live across from a playground ffs.
I'm scarred for life by some of the things I saw in those images and videos, how the hell could someone do something like that?! I want to climb through the screen and protect those kids, give them a hug and let them know nothing can hurt them anymore.
I stumbled across an image hosting site when I was 16 whilst trying to find material involving my peers again, and the site hosted lots of cropped images of teens on webcams and older kids on webcams (it was obvious what they were doing), and on the page for the accounts, it usually displayed an email where stuff could be traded, but I didn't pursue that until 2 years later.
I went about acquiring it through sending old images and videos of myself, and in a lot worse way as well.
Starting from 14 up until last year, I very occasionally placed my phone in the bathroom and filmed my friends urinating, this happened definitely less than ten times, and most of them I deleted from everywhere, but I kept one and a screenshot of a few others, I started posting these images, as well as my own nudes, on an old reddit account which was deleted not long after, I made sure to hide their identities while doing this, I enjoyed the attention and compliments I would get, and I loved bigging up my friends and seeing them get compliments.
Then I used this content to acquire the bad stuff years later, including the stuff of me.
I had an Idea that this was considered wrong but I didn't understand how it could have been harmful.
This happened to less than 5 friends, all the content I had I have long since deleted and wiped any access to, and I have no intention to do this again, but the main issue is the fact that copies could have been made of it, and I accidentally sent the uncropped video once. There's the possibility none of this stuff is out there, but it's still vile and repulsive.
One of them was my closest friend, who I had known basically all my life, I broke down to him and told him what I had done and what I believe does me to this awful, reprehensible place, and you know what he did? He told me he forgave me and that some video possibly being out there doesn't phase him and his life isn't ruined at all and it will go on either way.
But he understandably said we can't see each other anymore, that he still loves me, believes I'm a good person and wants me to live a good life and make the world a better place, which was a dream of ours.
It's extra difficult because we were so close, we had experienced so much together, held all the same interests and beliefs, and I loved him only like family could, so the fact I committed this vile act of betrayal rids me with so much shame, and deservedly so. In a way I find it harder to get through because I didn't understand the true consequences of my actions and how this could have affected him and others, it would be less confusing and easier to accept I'm just the lowest form of humanity that way.
The other two friends I stopped communicating with, I wiped the account wiped the content from all areas they were stored on, deleted what they were stored, everything, and there is a possibility it's not out their at all.
I displayed other problematic behaviours from a young age, all to do with boundary issues, I sometimes used to touch my friends when I was 12 but never their actual genitals, and I used to jokingly show my erection to people as well.
The only constant that I knew for certain is wrong is genuine rape and molestation, which is a line I know for certain I could never cross, and never will.
From a very young age (around 3 or 4) my mother would do very inappropriate party tricks around me with her friends late at night when they were drinking, her friends would call me sexy, and as I got older and hit puberty, she started making comments about my bulge and other things despite the fact I hated it and told her so.
When I was 7 I was groomed and molested by an 8 year old boy, I wanted him to help me pass a level on my DS game and he said he'll do it if I have sex with him, me being 7 I didn't understand what that was and with him being older I complied. We were naked during this, he fondled my genitals and got me to do the same to him, he inserted his fingers into my anus as well.
When I was 10, two of my close friends groomed me, they simulated blowjobs on each other and got me to do the same to them.
When I was 11, my 12 year old friend groomed and molested me despite me protesting, he got me to get in my bed with him and he rubbed up against me. Earlier that day he also got me to sit in his lap whilst cuddling me from behind, we were wearing underwear.
When I was 13, that same friend when he was nearly 14 and another friend who was already 14 groomed and molested me in my pool again, I had an erection in the pool and jokingly showed one of them it, and it escalated from there. They both got naked and got me to do so, I protested but eventually gave in to the pressure, they also showed each other their genitals and got me to do the same, later that boy got me to sit in his lap again whilst the older boy rubbed up against me.
There was also just the normal experimenting stuff, one of my friends used to show me his erections and I would do the same.
All of my friends were going through puberty and their bodies were changing and so was mine, which I found incredibly fascinating and arousing, and I had seen most of my friends genitals and some other students genitals throughout growing up, so me being young and autistic, I became very curious.
Kids before finishing Elementary/Primary School were swearing and talking about sex, then as I got older (11) kids were drinking, smoking, doing drugs, talking about masturbation habits and apparently having genuine sex. Then by the time I was 13, there was a lot of students taking nudes, nudes being spread around school and nudes being leaked (including mine, which distressed me for a few days, but only because people knew they were mine, if they were spread around but they didn't know it was me, I wouldn't have cared), kids with condoms and other stuff etc.
I started watching non-pornographic sexual content online (sex scenes from movies, TV shows, games etc) at age 9 which I would genuinely get an erection from watching.
At age 10 I hit puberty (testicles largened) and I started masturbating to non pornographic stuff. Including videos of animals mating. I also tried to find stuff involving my peers and found a fake video of stuff suggestive of that.
At 11 I started to grow pubic hair and had my first ejaculations, as well as discover porn, there was also an image I masturbated to which depicted a boy of my age giving oral to a man, and I had my first crush which was on a 12 year old boy who was another friend, who I would masturbate to. This crush lasted a number of years, but he was straight so it couldn't go anywhere. This was also the age I started taking nudes and videos of me masturbating.
At 12 I started to grow underarm har and facial hair began to appear on my upper lip, I was watching porn very heavily at this point.
At 13 my voice had broken and I was nearly my full adult height, this was also the age I first masturbated to a non-sexual nude image of a child. As well as videos of stuff like naturism and videos of circumcision (I don't have a pain or gore fetish, I would just blank it out and focus on the genitals.)
By 14 I was my full adult height, I had adult sized ejacualtions and my penis had fully grown. And that is when I started posting my nudes online. To which I would have sexual conversations with adults, not knowing I was setting myself up to be groomed and have something normalised in my head which shouldn't be.
By 15 I was growing facial hair, as well as chest and abdominal hair. And I found a shotacon involving a boy my age having sex with an adult woman, and I would pretend to be him.
At 17, a 19 year old flirted with me and got me into sending nudes to him, and he did the same, which I didn't see as bad and despite it being technically illegal, I still don't.
I also did the same when I was 19 with a 17 year old stranger online, but they were very willing and I didn't pressure them, no personal info was shared between us.
I also messaged a 15 and 14 year old at some point but stopped myself from letting it go any further. And cut them off before anything could be shared, or any messages could be exchanged for that matter.
And when I started watching the CSAM, it was mostly teens 9n webcams that I watched, I was lured into thinking that this content isn't kids being assaulted or anything (which it is) and due to my experiences twisting my view, I thought kids were enjoying it (which they weren't) since I would have had enjoyed it at that age (which I wouldn't have), it wasn't until I saw unmistakable suffering which is when I stopped and vowed to never go there again. It was mostly stuff involving boys, the stuff involving girls I just found too revolting. I wanted to relive those experiences, go back to a time I was happier. It felt safe and comforting. It was relatable.
All of these experiencs warped my views and understanding of things, desensitised me and made me believe things were ok that weren't and that kids aren't as innocent as they are seen to be (which they are). I have never commited rape or an act of molestation and never will, these are acts I've always seen as vile and disgusting.
I've suffered with mental health issues for a long time as well.
I've struggled with feelings of self-hatred and worthlessness since around 9 or 10.
I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety at 13, I've been self harming and suicidal since 15, I've also been attempting suicide since 15.
I've always felt like the odd one out, I always felt like I was the worst at everything, I was the one who was left out of games at school, the one who was always picked last in sports.
I was bullied a lot growing up, by students and occasionally teachers alike, and even my boss at my first job.
My mother is a heavy drinker, narcissistic and has been emotionally and occasionally physically abusive to me since I was 14 (telling me she hates me and that everyone else hates me, tells me how horrible I am, tells me that I should kill myself and do everyone a favour, threatened to stab me in my sleep, hit me on the occasion, bit me, threw things at me, including heavy things and glass, strangled me). There was also manipulation tactics like gaslighting, she alienated me from others by telling her friends and family how awful I was. Pushed me into meltdowns and got me to lash out, to which she called the police and got me arrested and made me look like the bad one on multiple occasions.
My father was a drug addict who died when I was 14, I saw him less than ten times my whole life, he grew drugs in my room when I was an infant, my most distinct memory is him coming to my house very late one night when I was around 9 or 10 talking about demons and bad spirits.
Addiction runs in my family (my father's father is an equally heavy drinker, his mother is a drug addict who ran a brothel), so the addictive tendencies have been past down to me.
I probably was addicted to porn by 13, and had been feeding it for years without knowing it.
My adopted grandfather died when I was 4, and my adopted grandmother (which I lived with from birth) who was my guiding light, died less than a week before my dad did.
The only father figure I really had (who was an alcoholic but otherwise very good with me) was my mother's partner who she met when I was 6, and he died when I was 8.
I was also very close to my mother's best friend, who had been more of a mother to me than my actual one had been some time died when I was 17.
My mother had an abusive ex who stalked her and threatened to set fire to the house, who also left ranting letters and stood in the back garden at night, so we lived in fear of stuff like that for over a year from when I was 12 through 13.
She also had an abusive lodger who was an even heavier drinker than she is, so from when I was 14 through 16 I witnessed them physically fight, both get arrested and on a few occasions I had to defend her from him.
Many of my friends have betrayed me over the years (I know I'm one to talk) but when this started to happen I would have never dreamed of betraying anyone, personal stuff was shared about me which I trusted them with, there was a lot of bad talking about me without me knowing. My toe closest friend turned on me at age 12 and isolated me from my other friends, I blamed myself at the time which I why I moved schools at 13 since I thought I was just making everyone miserable.
I didn't get diagnosed with autism until I was q9 despite trying to get it since I was 12, it hurt knowing I had been paying my whole life for being different, feeling ashamed of who I am (and rightly so now really), wondering why what I said was offensive, why I didn't understandfulky why this was wrong, why I was so sensitive to jokes, why I took e everyhing literally, why I made impulsive and reckless decisions without understanding the consequences of them.
I was never considered attractive and was ridiculed for it (girls used to jokingly flirt with me to torment me at school). I'm 5'6, always have struggled with weight, hairline started receding at 16, eczema so my skin is always red, dry and flaky, really bad diastema and acid reflux which means it's really hard to make my breath smell nice and my teeth are very worn because of it. I have had sex with someone who was older than me and we were both consenting adults, and we were both very respectful of boundaries.
I was also desensitised to other things slide gore and violence, I played a lot of violent video games when I was a kid, my mother is really into controversial shock movies (she got me to watch Cannibal Holocaust with her when I was 11).
The worst part about all of this is the fact all my friends who I love would hate me if they knew about what I've done so, none of them would trust me anymore or respect me, which is what friendships are all about right? So in a way they feel strange, they feel fake.
I could never find a relationship or true love because nobody wants to date a serial sex offender.
I hate knowing the fact I'm a sex offender, it's eating me alive.
I'm not registered and there is no real proof of what I did, so I can't turn myself in or anything.
I want to do good in the world, I have so much love to give, but it feels wrong me helping people because it feels like there is a sinister undertone to everything I do.
I've always enjoyed being charitable, I love giving money to the homeless or putting change in a donations box.
I feel guilty whenever I feel hapoy since I don't deserve to be, the only things that I enjoy now are food and playing video games, it's the only job I get out of day to day life.
The only fate I deserve is being stabbed to death in prison or something.
All I want is to be loved and accepted despite my flaws and mistakes, but I never could be.
The only other person I've told is my mother, who has been supportive.
I've been on antidepressants since 18 and I'm trying to get therapy, but I'm not hoping or expecting anything good will happen from this. I've been in and out of therapy since I was 11.
I had dreams, I had aspirations, I wanted to change the world for the better, I wanted to have a son, not to hurt him, but so he doesn't end up like me, but I reliase that is not possible. I don't deserve to be around children.
I hate keeping secrets, but I have no choice but to keep this one.
I want to identify with good people, but I can't.
Every good thing I do is invalidated now.
I forgive everyone who has wronged me in anyway, since I'm worse than them.
I just pray I can go out doing good, doing the right thing.
I am no better than Jimmy Saville, Ian Watkins or any of them types of people.
If you want to motivate me to end it all, feel free.
If you have read through all of this, thank you.
2024.05.14 21:18 Huge_Peak6142 Help me please.
The situation:
Me and my ex-fiance broke up a month before she gave birth to our child. Initially we agreed that I was going to be at the birth. However, after we broke up, she did not want me there. I came to terms with this and was okay with it as this was her right/choice. We were still in communication during this time (after we broke up), and we were civil, even flirtatious. Leading up to the birth she got paranoid that I was cheating on her or sleeping with other women as my location was not at my house but on the street behind me, i explained to her that iPhone geolocation isn't always accurate, and i even offered to face time her to prove that I am where I am but she did not respond to my requsts. My ex's phone stopped working so i had no contact with her for 1 weeks straight out of concern i called her mother to see if she was okay as they live together, and her mother started slandering me saying that i got her pregnant and now ive left her a month before she was due, the breakup was mutual and agreed on both sides, and for our child we planned on co parenting effectivly.She started calling me a bitch and slandering my religon (islam) and became racist even though her daughter is half white and half indian, she also threatened me with force and threatend the police on me even though i hadnt done anything. I let the abuse slide as i didnt want to winde up any tension or make the sitatuion/breakup worse. My friends advised me to apologise for the hurt the breakup caused which i did.
1 week later, My ex texted me the night before at like 1am she was induced into labour that she was going to be induced and i asked her if she needs anything or wants me there, she said there isnt anything she needs and she said not to come and said it can take days until our son is born. 4 hours after this text she had given birth, but i had not been told this, and i had missed my sons birth. I recieve a text from bitter mother the next day that "he is here now come and see him". I was the last person to be contacted, her friends and family were all notifed immediatley, but they willingly contacted me late knowing that i wanted to be there (not in delivery room but in the hospital). The friends and family all saw my son before me and i knew this because of social media posts. I travelled from birmingham to london imediatly to see our son. When i arrived at the hospital, I was bitter because i was notifed last so i decided not to speak to her family and friends and see my son as the nurses allowed me. Upon picking up my son, My exs grandmother, my sons great grand mother, said "he will not be raised muslim, this is england not india, we dont do that here", her mother then proceedes to say he will eat what his grandmother feeds him, knowing i want my son to be muslim and eat halal food. She says why werent you here earlier, why are you here hours later making out to seem that i was some neglectful father who didnt care, her grand mother then policed me on how to pick up my child, how to hold him and how to change nappies, and threatend to kick me out, the nurse overheard this and said to her that i have a right to be here and i have 24hrs viewing access. then there was silence.
. They kept sayiing you should have been in london already we told you to book an airbnb in london, but i planned on booking it the day she was going into labour as that is when my paternity leave was due to start, i could not afford to pay a 300-400 so i can be there a week early.
I couldnt speak to my ex when I was at the hospital as they were in seperate wards, my son was in a special care unit and she was in her ward. So i spent a few hours with him. After the day had finished, it was too late and she had gone to sleep so i didnt want to disturb her so i went to my the hotel i booked.
I sent my ex a nice text saying thank you for delivering our son .etc and send gifts and flowers. I told her that my friends and family are coming down the next day from birmingham to see him. I walk into the hospital, and my exs mother started swearing at me saying im so horrible for not speaking to my ex after she had just given birth, and kept portaying me to be a Horrible, she said that the messages and gifts dont mean anything even though my intentions in my text were me being grateful and thankful for the delivery of our son. She said your family and friends arent allowed to come, they have no right to be here, and said that she is going to get me banned from seeing my son if they come. I didnt believe or take serious what she said so ignored her and went to see my ex who was now with our son. my ex didnt speak to me once even though i tried to speak. A few hours later i went to grab lunch, and my family had already set of at this time. I told my ex that they are coming down to see him, and she said no, they dont have her permission to our son, eventhough no one from her side asked for my permission to vist and take photos. I couldnt believe what she was saying, she said that I couldnt see him at this point. Her mother overheard this, and said they she will ban them from coming but i laughed saying how and why are they doing this? I then get told that they will raise a safeguarding claim so im not allowed in the hospital. after my lunch i call the the head nurse to see if he is okay and if i can come down, and i am told that there is a safe guarding claim, and i cannot see my son, and they cannot dicuss anything about him to me as i am not on the birth certficate/i am not married. Eventhough this safeguarding claim is absolutely fictiuous. My family arrive and i had to turn them away. Since that day (2nd day of son being born), I have not seen him or heard of him. My ex has gone no contact and is not replying to any of my texts even though has read them. Throughout this entire situation my friends advised me to "bite my tongue and keep a level head" and ignore the abuse as it isnt the time or the place to have such discussions.
In navigating this challenging situation, my main concern is ensuring my son's well-being and maintaining a meaningful presence in his life. Despite my efforts to communicate and explore mediation options, my ex-partner's lack of response has added to the complexity of the situation.
Given the circumstances, I'm seriously considering seeking either full custody of my son, shared custody if that is a thing in the UK. I don't have access to the birth certificate but I know that they have no disclosed me on it. I've gathered compelling evidence regarding my ex-partner's living situation and behaviors, including substance abuse and instability within her household. It's clear that my son's best interests are at stake, and I'm committed to providing him with a safe and nurturing environment.
In terms of my own situation, I'm fortunate to have stable housing, financial stability, and flexibility in my schedule due to being a full-time student with part-time work (1 year left until i am a full time teacher, she isnt working and does not plan to and live on social welfare for the foreseeable future). I'm prepared to provide the stability and support that my son needs.
As I weigh my options, I'm considering pursuing shared custody initially, with the possibility of addressing schooling arrangements in court later on. Alternatively, I'm contemplating seeking full custody from the outset, given the concerns about my ex-partner's ability to provide a suitable environment for our son's upbringing. I do not want to take my child away completely from his mother as this is not right/islamic at all, I want us to coparent effectively so our son is raised with both parents. but this no contact thing makes it seem impossible. she has rejected to showing me the birth certificate and refused medations, (the mediator called her)
Ultimately, my chances of winning full custody will depend on various factors, including the strength of the evidence I've gathered and the court's assessment of what is in my son's best interests. Seeking guidance from a legal expert who specialises in family law will be crucial as I navigate this process.
My primary focus remains on ensuring that my son receives the love, care, and stability he deserves, regardless of the legal complexities involved.
Update: I have also contacted the police about the abusive behaviours from the my ex's mother. Id like to also mention that my son has a serious heart defect, and my exs mother is a habitual smoker regularly smoking cannabis and cigarettes, which is not ideal and can worsen his heart. he is due for an operation but I don't know when this is but I know its within the coming months. but I do not want him in a household that will hurt his health due to innapproiate care.
submitted by Huge_Peak6142 to FamilyLaw [link] [comments]
Me and my ex-fiance broke up a month before she gave birth to our child. Initially we agreed that I was going to be at the birth. However, after we broke up, she did not want me there. I came to terms with this and was okay with it as this was her right/choice. We were still in communication during this time (after we broke up), and we were civil, even flirtatious. Leading up to the birth she got paranoid that I was cheating on her or sleeping with other women as my location was not at my house but on the street behind me, i explained to her that iPhone geolocation isn't always accurate, and i even offered to face time her to prove that I am where I am but she did not respond to my requsts. My ex's phone stopped working so i had no contact with her for 1 weeks straight out of concern i called her mother to see if she was okay as they live together, and her mother started slandering me saying that i got her pregnant and now ive left her a month before she was due, the breakup was mutual and agreed on both sides, and for our child we planned on co parenting effectivly.She started calling me a bitch and slandering my religon (islam) and became racist even though her daughter is half white and half indian, she also threatened me with force and threatend the police on me even though i hadnt done anything. I let the abuse slide as i didnt want to winde up any tension or make the sitatuion/breakup worse. My friends advised me to apologise for the hurt the breakup caused which i did.
1 week later, My ex texted me the night before at like 1am she was induced into labour that she was going to be induced and i asked her if she needs anything or wants me there, she said there isnt anything she needs and she said not to come and said it can take days until our son is born. 4 hours after this text she had given birth, but i had not been told this, and i had missed my sons birth. I recieve a text from bitter mother the next day that "he is here now come and see him". I was the last person to be contacted, her friends and family were all notifed immediatley, but they willingly contacted me late knowing that i wanted to be there (not in delivery room but in the hospital). The friends and family all saw my son before me and i knew this because of social media posts. I travelled from birmingham to london imediatly to see our son. When i arrived at the hospital, I was bitter because i was notifed last so i decided not to speak to her family and friends and see my son as the nurses allowed me. Upon picking up my son, My exs grandmother, my sons great grand mother, said "he will not be raised muslim, this is england not india, we dont do that here", her mother then proceedes to say he will eat what his grandmother feeds him, knowing i want my son to be muslim and eat halal food. She says why werent you here earlier, why are you here hours later making out to seem that i was some neglectful father who didnt care, her grand mother then policed me on how to pick up my child, how to hold him and how to change nappies, and threatend to kick me out, the nurse overheard this and said to her that i have a right to be here and i have 24hrs viewing access. then there was silence.
. They kept sayiing you should have been in london already we told you to book an airbnb in london, but i planned on booking it the day she was going into labour as that is when my paternity leave was due to start, i could not afford to pay a 300-400 so i can be there a week early.
I couldnt speak to my ex when I was at the hospital as they were in seperate wards, my son was in a special care unit and she was in her ward. So i spent a few hours with him. After the day had finished, it was too late and she had gone to sleep so i didnt want to disturb her so i went to my the hotel i booked.
I sent my ex a nice text saying thank you for delivering our son .etc and send gifts and flowers. I told her that my friends and family are coming down the next day from birmingham to see him. I walk into the hospital, and my exs mother started swearing at me saying im so horrible for not speaking to my ex after she had just given birth, and kept portaying me to be a Horrible, she said that the messages and gifts dont mean anything even though my intentions in my text were me being grateful and thankful for the delivery of our son. She said your family and friends arent allowed to come, they have no right to be here, and said that she is going to get me banned from seeing my son if they come. I didnt believe or take serious what she said so ignored her and went to see my ex who was now with our son. my ex didnt speak to me once even though i tried to speak. A few hours later i went to grab lunch, and my family had already set of at this time. I told my ex that they are coming down to see him, and she said no, they dont have her permission to our son, eventhough no one from her side asked for my permission to vist and take photos. I couldnt believe what she was saying, she said that I couldnt see him at this point. Her mother overheard this, and said they she will ban them from coming but i laughed saying how and why are they doing this? I then get told that they will raise a safeguarding claim so im not allowed in the hospital. after my lunch i call the the head nurse to see if he is okay and if i can come down, and i am told that there is a safe guarding claim, and i cannot see my son, and they cannot dicuss anything about him to me as i am not on the birth certficate/i am not married. Eventhough this safeguarding claim is absolutely fictiuous. My family arrive and i had to turn them away. Since that day (2nd day of son being born), I have not seen him or heard of him. My ex has gone no contact and is not replying to any of my texts even though has read them. Throughout this entire situation my friends advised me to "bite my tongue and keep a level head" and ignore the abuse as it isnt the time or the place to have such discussions.
In navigating this challenging situation, my main concern is ensuring my son's well-being and maintaining a meaningful presence in his life. Despite my efforts to communicate and explore mediation options, my ex-partner's lack of response has added to the complexity of the situation.
Given the circumstances, I'm seriously considering seeking either full custody of my son, shared custody if that is a thing in the UK. I don't have access to the birth certificate but I know that they have no disclosed me on it. I've gathered compelling evidence regarding my ex-partner's living situation and behaviors, including substance abuse and instability within her household. It's clear that my son's best interests are at stake, and I'm committed to providing him with a safe and nurturing environment.
In terms of my own situation, I'm fortunate to have stable housing, financial stability, and flexibility in my schedule due to being a full-time student with part-time work (1 year left until i am a full time teacher, she isnt working and does not plan to and live on social welfare for the foreseeable future). I'm prepared to provide the stability and support that my son needs.
As I weigh my options, I'm considering pursuing shared custody initially, with the possibility of addressing schooling arrangements in court later on. Alternatively, I'm contemplating seeking full custody from the outset, given the concerns about my ex-partner's ability to provide a suitable environment for our son's upbringing. I do not want to take my child away completely from his mother as this is not right/islamic at all, I want us to coparent effectively so our son is raised with both parents. but this no contact thing makes it seem impossible. she has rejected to showing me the birth certificate and refused medations, (the mediator called her)
Ultimately, my chances of winning full custody will depend on various factors, including the strength of the evidence I've gathered and the court's assessment of what is in my son's best interests. Seeking guidance from a legal expert who specialises in family law will be crucial as I navigate this process.
My primary focus remains on ensuring that my son receives the love, care, and stability he deserves, regardless of the legal complexities involved.
Update: I have also contacted the police about the abusive behaviours from the my ex's mother. Id like to also mention that my son has a serious heart defect, and my exs mother is a habitual smoker regularly smoking cannabis and cigarettes, which is not ideal and can worsen his heart. he is due for an operation but I don't know when this is but I know its within the coming months. but I do not want him in a household that will hurt his health due to innapproiate care.
2024.05.14 21:13 Shards_of_my_past In the process of a vehicle trade for trade by private party. Does this seem like a scam?
Met a guy and his wife who wants to trade me his 2007 dodge minivan for my 1997 jeep cherokee. He comes to check out my jeep says he loves it and really wants it for his wife even though it's not drivable. I test drive his minivan around for a bit and it felt fine, no smoke, smells, or concerns that arise on the surface. I said I was concerned about the driver rear window being broken with plastic covering and he said he'd put a new replacement window in for me. Supposedly the van will also come with a year of insurance included for me. He's sounds like a very nice guy who apparently works as a mechanic out of a local car dealership and has helped lots of people before getting vehicles like this. It all sounds too good to be true so I'm sure you can understand my concerns.
After a day of thinking it over, I messaged him saying I'd like to make the trade. After a day passes his wife messages me saying she's digging up the title and would come by tomorrow with the van. After a few hours he says he needs a photo of my drivers license, and that he's getting the title process started. Reluctantly, I gave him a photo of my my ID via text message. He says by doing it this way I'll get the new title in my name in the mail in a few days instead of a few weeks. He's supposed to be bringing me the van tonight. We haven't even started the process for signing over my title to him for my jeep nor has he put a lot of pressure or talk on me to do so. Here's our last text mesage today:
Me: Hey sorry for the late replay, got my hands full. I still can't wrap my head around the title transfer thing. You said you already put it through for transfer? I didn't even sign the title how could it be transferred? Very confusing
Him: No we have the title The reason we got your ID is because our company will just process the title at the DMV and we'll bring you the title for the van tonight and you'll get the title in the mail the new one with your name on it probably in a couple of days but you'll have the original title until it shows up with your name on it
I've sold and bought cars before and the processs is relatively painless for title transfer. I've never done a vehicle trade like this before so I feel like I'm far from my scope of knowledge in this matter.
Any insight or advice is appreciated.
We are located in Minnesota.
submitted by Shards_of_my_past to legaladvice [link] [comments]
After a day of thinking it over, I messaged him saying I'd like to make the trade. After a day passes his wife messages me saying she's digging up the title and would come by tomorrow with the van. After a few hours he says he needs a photo of my drivers license, and that he's getting the title process started. Reluctantly, I gave him a photo of my my ID via text message. He says by doing it this way I'll get the new title in my name in the mail in a few days instead of a few weeks. He's supposed to be bringing me the van tonight. We haven't even started the process for signing over my title to him for my jeep nor has he put a lot of pressure or talk on me to do so. Here's our last text mesage today:
Me: Hey sorry for the late replay, got my hands full. I still can't wrap my head around the title transfer thing. You said you already put it through for transfer? I didn't even sign the title how could it be transferred? Very confusing
Him: No we have the title The reason we got your ID is because our company will just process the title at the DMV and we'll bring you the title for the van tonight and you'll get the title in the mail the new one with your name on it probably in a couple of days but you'll have the original title until it shows up with your name on it
I've sold and bought cars before and the processs is relatively painless for title transfer. I've never done a vehicle trade like this before so I feel like I'm far from my scope of knowledge in this matter.
Any insight or advice is appreciated.
We are located in Minnesota.
2024.05.14 21:09 Over_Delivery_880 Dogfight Homebrew/Edits
 | https://preview.redd.it/9mkfgfs6yf0d1.png?width=913&format=png&auto=webp&s=c8ec82b9702efa91f1122cb79d30f62726a4a394 submitted by Over_Delivery_880 to SagaEdition [link] [comments] *edited to add image Good afternoon everyone! I love Saga edition and have recently started playing again but me and my GM have felt that the dogfighting mechanic is a bit off. I have re-written the mechanics to make it more complicated but hopefully more flushed out. This is still a rough draft and hasn't been playtested yet, and isn't fully flushed out but any tips or input would be welcome. I am trying to go with the feel of a dogfight and introduce more benefits in regards to positioning. Looking forward to see what you all think, and if you have any questions feel free to ask! Dogfight As a standard action, the pilot of a Colossal or smaller aispace vehicle can initiate a dogfight against another aispace vehicle of Colossal or smaller. The initiating pilot needs to be within point-blank range, take movement toward the defending pilot this turn, and apply the following benefits/penalties to the ATTACKERS roll according to the attack vector: *NOTE- enemy vehicles in dogfight CAN occupy same space at starship scale, treat as green for purposes of benefit. If the attacker succeeds on the opposed pilot check, the two pilots are engaged in a dogfight. If at end of the attacker AND defender turns in a ROUND, and the attacking ship is OUTSIDE point blank range of primary pilot weapons, the dogfight is broken as the defender has evaded. Attacking Vehicle Actions: The attacking (initiating) pilot gains the benefit of following the defender from behind. The attacking pilot MUST use as much movement as their vehicle allows to stay one square (green) behind (starship scale) the defending pilot. Movement is taken on the attacker's turn as usual but before any other actions from any crewmember of the vehicle. Defender movement does not trigger AOO for the Attacker. No actions can be taken by the PILOT of the attacking vehicle to target anything other than the defending in the dogfight. Gunners of the attacking vehicle can still target other vehicles but take a -2 penalty to attack rolls on top of any regular modifiers that are relevant. The Pilot can gain a firing solution by successfully succeeding on a DC15 for green, DC18 for purple, DC20 for blue, DC23 for yellow, DC25 for red pilot Piloting check. Pilot then attacks as normal. For every 2 the pilot exceeds the DC a +1 piloting bonus, to a maximum of +5, will be applied to the pilot's attack roll that turn. Gunner can gain a firing solution on defending vehicle by succeeding on a DC18 Dex check. For every 2 the gunner exceeds the DC, a +1, up to a maximum of +3, will be applied to gunner's attack roll that turn. IF attacking vehicle takes damage to ship from an outside source, meaning surpasses SDR, pilot will have to take and succeed on a DC20 pilot check to maintain dogfight. If damage surpasses the damage threshold of the vehicle, the dogfight is automatically broken regardless of source. Defending Vehicle Actions: The defending pilot needs to shake the attacking pilot off their vehicle. The defending pilot MUST use the full movement of their vehicle. At the end of movement, the pilot can do either of the following: Disengage as a standard action where the defending pilot must succeed a DC15 for red, DC18 for yellow, DC20 for blue, DC23 for purple, DC25 for green pilot check to break the dogfight. The defending pilot will take -2 to roll to disengage if attacked last turn by pilot and/or gunner, and -5 if successfully hit, regardless if less than SDR. If the defender successfully disengages, the attacking pilot cannot engage in another dogfight with the defender until after the attacker's next turn. Smoke in the Air as a standard action, a defending pilot can make a DC20 piloting check to give the vehicle a +1 dodge bonus to reflex defense and +1 square of movement to further escape. The defending pilot will take -2 to roll to smoke in the air if attacked last turn by pilot and/or gunner, and -5 if successfully hit, regardless of SDR. For every 2 the pilot exceeds the DC, the dodge bonus given to AC will increase by +1, up to a maximum of +5 (including the given +1 for succeeding). Gunners can attack normally if a firing angle could naturally be given, but can only target the attackers. Vehicles NOT engaged in the dogfight CAN fire at vehicles in dogfight, with a -5 circumstance penalty to attack roll unless they have the precise shot feat. If either pilot uses actions not listed for dogfight, ie all out movement, another opposed pilot check must be made to maintain dogfight. If attacker uses another action, it is to maintain dogfight. If defender uses another action, it is to successfully use the other action but dogfight will otherwise still be on. If an outside vehicle attacks Attacker in dogfight and attacker FAILS to maintain the dogfight, the outside attacker can then, as a reaction, initiate dogfight against the previous dogfight attacker utilizing standard initiation rules. |
2024.05.14 21:01 hoblyman CMV: All Adult Milestones Should Be Set at 22
Smoking, drinking, age of consent, voting, military service, marriage, home ownership. All of it. Anyone under 22 is simply too underdeveloped to deal with the adult world. Mandatory free schooling (uni or vocational) up to 22. Maybe you can have a part-time job while in school, but that's it.
Would this decrease the pool of young people joining the military? Obviously. But it will make for a better educated military. Same thing goes for voting. The more informed the electorate, the healthier the country is. Plus your political views are stupid when you're 20.
submitted by hoblyman to changemyview [link] [comments]
Would this decrease the pool of young people joining the military? Obviously. But it will make for a better educated military. Same thing goes for voting. The more informed the electorate, the healthier the country is. Plus your political views are stupid when you're 20.
2024.05.14 21:00 LowTeaching9031 Life advice, loneliness and mental health
Hello, i am a 14 y.o male. For some context i am from ukraine and live in italy, but my dad is stuck there ( i never saw him really much in my life, but we talk every evening on skype ). I am carrying an emptiness since i was 3, when everyone was waiting for their dad to take the kids, i dont remember much about my childhood (it was trash anyways lol) but the only things i can remember are that i always was manipulated by my mother who is living with me into thinking that she was the only thing i needed in life because she is taking "good" care of me. Anyways, i remember that i almost always was bullied about this until i got in high school, everything seemed fine until everyone was avoiding me. I think about this every night before going to sleep and a part of that is because i got into puberty way earlier than most people of my age (at around 12 years old i already had a deep voice) and as i was developing more and more, i always thought that i was the more mature guy around little kids. So basically i got in a fight with my mom a few months ago and when my dad calls me he always finds a way to tell me that i am delusional, even though i am but it can't get better, i always cry at night because of this and it is crushing me every time i wake up. How can i temporarily escape that? Friends can't help, videogames too, accepting this is really hard and cutting contacts is pretty much impossible, also going to the gym yes, it makes me feel better about my body but not my mental health. I also quit smoking but i want to start againg because it is my only way to feel calm. Also i never smoked weed and never tried a drug in my life (and i never will). For people in a similar situation, how did you push trough this?
PS: sorry for my bad grammar, english is not my first language but i am improving. Thank you for reading.
submitted by LowTeaching9031 to LifeAdvice [link] [comments]
PS: sorry for my bad grammar, english is not my first language but i am improving. Thank you for reading.
2024.05.14 20:51 slightlydeluluu I don't wanna go to prom celebration but everyone forces me.
I was bullied in highschool for 3 years, because of my "nationality". However, we are all the same nationalities, but I can speak fluently 3 languages that I studied by myself, but they are still saying that I'm different from them. Just in case, their interests are drinking alcohol, having intimate relationships and smoking some banned in my country. I don't like this stuff and prefer studying over this things and that's why they're calling me nerd and other worse words that I shouldn't write there. In 5 days we are having prom and my classmates decided to go to the restaurant after graduation ceremony, where will be many alcohol, illegal things and also strippers.. I really don't wanna go there but my parents are forcing me to go, or they will lock me in home for whole summer. Parents are saying that I'm disrespectful and I'm shaming our family, "why you can't be normal" - I hear this everyday. My teachers are also telling me that I should go and they're saying "despite the fact that you have different nationality, you are still human and we don't think that you will be problem there". I already said that I am not different nationality but some of them laughs and some says that I should not repeat this second time because I'm shaming their country...
What should I do? I really don't wanna be locked in home for summer and I also don't wanna go there, because I know what drunk people can do and already experienced it. Nobody hears what I'm saying, everybody is just yelling at me that I'm not normal.. I don't know where I can get even advice for this situation..
submitted by slightlydeluluu to Advice [link] [comments]
What should I do? I really don't wanna be locked in home for summer and I also don't wanna go there, because I know what drunk people can do and already experienced it. Nobody hears what I'm saying, everybody is just yelling at me that I'm not normal.. I don't know where I can get even advice for this situation..
2024.05.14 20:50 RiceEducational1953 I (21F) blocked my boyfriend's (21M) classmate on his account. He got mad. Am I wrong for doing that? Am i just overreacting?
My boyfriend got mad at me for blocking her classmate, as he is bothered about what this girl will think if she sees that she is blocked on my boyfriend’s account. I just want to feel secure in our relationship and not feel anxious about him cheating on me again. Please let me know if I am wrong for taking this action. I just want the best for us.
I blocked my boyfriend's classmate on his account for several reasons:
1.) I checked his phone, and I saw that he was searching his classmate's social media account.
2.) He told me that he just accidentally clicked her account; later on, I brought up what he did, and he confessed to me, saying that he literally took a look at her account, and he just lied because he didn't want me to get angry. He told me that he took a look at her account because he was curious as he saw that his classmate was viewing his stories even though they are not mutual on any social media. This made me wonder if she is interested in my boyfriend because, as a girl, this is my way of showing interest in a guy (like, let me show you that I am viewing your stories even though we're not mutuals, just so you know that I am checking on you and I am interested in you).
As a woman who has experienced cheating before, this issue was very serious to me. I have trust issues and insecurities as I caught him talking and inviting other girls to come over and hang out (drinking).
3.) My boyfriend and THIS classmate are in the same circle of friends (which was made up just recently), so they have been adding my boyfriend to a group chat where there are a lot of girls (his classmates). It gets me annoyed every time somebody in the group chat says something to my boyfriend about things that are not related to school. My boyfriend will respond to those chats, but I told him to stop entertaining them if they are not school-related because it makes me feel uncomfortable, especially since this classmate that we argued about is included in the group chat.
4.) I saw a picture of THIS classmate being very close and touchy to another man, even though she has a boyfriend. She was also sending pictures of cigarettes, like, girl, for what reason? (My boyfriend loves smoking cigarettes), some nonsense stuff, a picture of her face with her revealing clothes (I don't know if it's because she wants to look cool or what), in the group chat, knowing that there are boys in there and anyone can see what she sends. The thought that she is doing this even though she has a boyfriend made me realize how trashy his classmate is, and I don't want my boyfriend around her.
Am I wrong for blocking this classmate on my boyfriend’s account, as I don’t want this kind of girl around him? I am thinking that this classmate is interested in my boyfriend, and my boyfriend is also interested in her, as I caught him checking her profile.
I would just like to add: Before I blocked this girl, I told my boyfriend that I wanted him to block her because I was not comfortable with him being around her. He agreed and said that he would do that, but he didn’t.
submitted by RiceEducational1953 to amiwrong [link] [comments]
I blocked my boyfriend's classmate on his account for several reasons:
1.) I checked his phone, and I saw that he was searching his classmate's social media account.
2.) He told me that he just accidentally clicked her account; later on, I brought up what he did, and he confessed to me, saying that he literally took a look at her account, and he just lied because he didn't want me to get angry. He told me that he took a look at her account because he was curious as he saw that his classmate was viewing his stories even though they are not mutual on any social media. This made me wonder if she is interested in my boyfriend because, as a girl, this is my way of showing interest in a guy (like, let me show you that I am viewing your stories even though we're not mutuals, just so you know that I am checking on you and I am interested in you).
As a woman who has experienced cheating before, this issue was very serious to me. I have trust issues and insecurities as I caught him talking and inviting other girls to come over and hang out (drinking).
3.) My boyfriend and THIS classmate are in the same circle of friends (which was made up just recently), so they have been adding my boyfriend to a group chat where there are a lot of girls (his classmates). It gets me annoyed every time somebody in the group chat says something to my boyfriend about things that are not related to school. My boyfriend will respond to those chats, but I told him to stop entertaining them if they are not school-related because it makes me feel uncomfortable, especially since this classmate that we argued about is included in the group chat.
4.) I saw a picture of THIS classmate being very close and touchy to another man, even though she has a boyfriend. She was also sending pictures of cigarettes, like, girl, for what reason? (My boyfriend loves smoking cigarettes), some nonsense stuff, a picture of her face with her revealing clothes (I don't know if it's because she wants to look cool or what), in the group chat, knowing that there are boys in there and anyone can see what she sends. The thought that she is doing this even though she has a boyfriend made me realize how trashy his classmate is, and I don't want my boyfriend around her.
Am I wrong for blocking this classmate on my boyfriend’s account, as I don’t want this kind of girl around him? I am thinking that this classmate is interested in my boyfriend, and my boyfriend is also interested in her, as I caught him checking her profile.
I would just like to add: Before I blocked this girl, I told my boyfriend that I wanted him to block her because I was not comfortable with him being around her. He agreed and said that he would do that, but he didn’t.
2024.05.14 20:47 Apprehensive-Toe9619 My ex messed me up!
So…my ex traumatised me and now I don’t even want anything to do with anyone except for my parents. I ‘F20’ met him ‘M20’ when I was drunk at a party, then we got each other’s socials and started speaking the day after. When I would visit him, he would spoil me with food and other things I wanted, eventually I got into smoking because of him. I never wanted to be in a relationship with him because I didn’t find him attractive and I wanted to just focus on university. (We did have a very good friendship tho)Then all of a sudden, he said I was his gf, which shook me but for the sake of staying in contact, I said yes (worst decision of my life). Long story short, I got tired of the relationship and wanted to leave, but every time I tried breaking up with him, he would chase after me on all socials and cry ( so me being the idiotic caring person I am), I stayed with him. I was at a point where I couldn’t be around him sober because I felt so trapped and depressed and I would lash out on him, which resulted into me becoming addicted to smoking ☘️. I dealt with this for nearly 2 years until it got the point when I said I wanted to stop and become a better person. At first he would support me going to my community groups, then all of a sudden he’s tell me “why don’t you just miss it?” “You don’t need to go or listen to them” I don’t agree with them and what they say”. Friends encouraged me to leave him but being in a very toxic relationship for nearly 2 years was something I was used to and unfortunately didn’t want to let go of by that time. I eventually reached the point where I blocked him on everything, deleted social media and we didn’t speak for 6 months. One day I decided to get one of my socials back to see my before pictures, and on that day I saw him add me right when I got it back (which was weird because I thought I blocked him on there). He told me he just wanted to know if I was okay, I told him I was great and quit smoking, then boom back in contact with him again. I’ve become so numb speaking to him to the point where everything he does irritates me and I couldn’t care less about his life, and now I’m addicted to smoking AGAIN. I can’t stand him at all but every time I block him, I find it hard and want to un block him. I can’t stand him being in my life but it hurts when he’s gone. I don’t know what to do anymore so here I am ranting to a bunch of strangers 😂 any advice would be greatly appreciated 🙏
submitted by Apprehensive-Toe9619 to Advice [link] [comments]
2024.05.14 20:46 Nat_Peterson11 Suicidal as a child
There’s no easy way to put this, and because I was raised in an environment of brutal honesty instead of watered down truth, this will be very difficult or uncomfortable to read so fair warning for the content below.
I only remember the first few years of my childhood barely, but the years following after the age of 5 were not pretty. I was quite an introverted kid mainly due to stupid kid stuff at the time, I remember elementary school where the big talk was about modern musical artists at that time and Wii was a huge thing, I was more interested in ocean life and life outside, and more interested in bands like ACDC, twisted sister, Motörhead, and Black Sabbath. I was picked on constantly, I never really dressed in basketball shorts and jerseys, I always stuck to what I grew up around Bikes, Bands, and my dear old mom and dad. My uncles was a chopper builder and felt like a big bro more than an uncle, my aunt the same.
Of course because I was raised in a Roman Catholic family, I got sent to religious instructions, it wasn’t bad yet, but I met my first ever like real friend a kid named Devin, he was a year older but we grew up together and made each other laugh, we did everything together to make each other laugh like we had nothing better to do, he was the ultimate brother from another mother. Because of these classes every now and then the local priest would show up and observe, there was guy who followed him around, I think he was like a priest in training or something like that. This sounds like a set up to a dark South Park joke, but it’s the real thing. Devin was my only friend, but he went to a different school, everyone else at my school picked on me or spread rumors to have people avoid me.
Every Wednesday I went to religious instructions, and this priest kept calling me out of class to go to his office, now I had learning disabilities and couldn’t sit still, so I ended drawing on my paperwork a lot and I would get called in for it, but instead of being mad at me for defacing Bible passages, he instead took an interest in my artwork, and it made me feel proud and I felt less introverted. These office visits became frequent and the priest kept encouraging me to keep drawing which I thought was great, it made me feel important.
That was like alcohol to an addict, it felt good to be noticed and it felt good to feel like you’re important until he started touching me. I know this sounds like a stereotypical dark joke, but most dark humor wouldn’t exist if there wasn’t some real life occurrence. It started slow, a hand on the lap, a hand in the shoulder, a hand moving up my thigh, a hand moving up my thigh and around my butt, before it became a sexual assault. Picture the worst thing happening to you, that can be categorized as a sexual assault or rape, and that’s what I was going through. I felt guilty, I felt ashamed, at the same time I felt addicted because I was getting special treatment in these religious classes, I felt good sometimes but at the same time I had a know in my stomach, I felt fucking pain all the time. I lost feelings for pain and instead it became a crutch, watching a 7 year old start scraping his arms with the blades of scissors in 2nd grade art class is not an image you want to see.
My parents became aware of my strange behavior and believe me when I say it took a lot to tell my parents what was going on every Wednesday.
They were livid, they responded like any parent who found out their kid was being raped by someone they trusted. I don’t need to get into the details of police officers asking me to go into detail about what happened to me. As for what happened to the priest, suprisingly the church defended him, and I was seen as a little liar, he never got to see life behind bars, because cancer took his life away 6 months after all of this came out. Though in my mind now I’d like to think he committed suicide because he was a coward and didn’t want to face consequences.
If not the act of being raped as a child is disgustingly awful, it’s the years following that are more painful, but somehow even at the worse times of it, I’m still here! I smoked, I drank, all at ages you wouldn’t even fathom, Devin was still around, and he was the only friend I confided in with this event in my life and he took it to his grave, he passed away in 2020, age 20. Years following after the priests death and the therapy I went through I felt like I wanted to die, I had to die, I hurt myself, sometimes I hurt others, I wanted that time back but now 17 years later I know I’ll never get it back.
Some kids found out around that time and thought it was the greatest joke, I must’ve heard the word faggot and queer a thousand times. But even more surprising is that the same kids that said that, ended up realizing just how bad it was, and gave me some of the most heartwarming yearbook signings when I graduated high school in 2018.
How the fuck I’m still here? I’ll never really know, the times where I was blindly self harming and feeling a shit load of pain, i really felt like dying but now it’s something I want to pretend never happened, but I accept it and like most things in life, I have to move on. It’s not easy, it never is but somehow I just do.
submitted by Nat_Peterson11 to DecidingToBeBetter [link] [comments]
I only remember the first few years of my childhood barely, but the years following after the age of 5 were not pretty. I was quite an introverted kid mainly due to stupid kid stuff at the time, I remember elementary school where the big talk was about modern musical artists at that time and Wii was a huge thing, I was more interested in ocean life and life outside, and more interested in bands like ACDC, twisted sister, Motörhead, and Black Sabbath. I was picked on constantly, I never really dressed in basketball shorts and jerseys, I always stuck to what I grew up around Bikes, Bands, and my dear old mom and dad. My uncles was a chopper builder and felt like a big bro more than an uncle, my aunt the same.
Of course because I was raised in a Roman Catholic family, I got sent to religious instructions, it wasn’t bad yet, but I met my first ever like real friend a kid named Devin, he was a year older but we grew up together and made each other laugh, we did everything together to make each other laugh like we had nothing better to do, he was the ultimate brother from another mother. Because of these classes every now and then the local priest would show up and observe, there was guy who followed him around, I think he was like a priest in training or something like that. This sounds like a set up to a dark South Park joke, but it’s the real thing. Devin was my only friend, but he went to a different school, everyone else at my school picked on me or spread rumors to have people avoid me.
Every Wednesday I went to religious instructions, and this priest kept calling me out of class to go to his office, now I had learning disabilities and couldn’t sit still, so I ended drawing on my paperwork a lot and I would get called in for it, but instead of being mad at me for defacing Bible passages, he instead took an interest in my artwork, and it made me feel proud and I felt less introverted. These office visits became frequent and the priest kept encouraging me to keep drawing which I thought was great, it made me feel important.
That was like alcohol to an addict, it felt good to be noticed and it felt good to feel like you’re important until he started touching me. I know this sounds like a stereotypical dark joke, but most dark humor wouldn’t exist if there wasn’t some real life occurrence. It started slow, a hand on the lap, a hand in the shoulder, a hand moving up my thigh, a hand moving up my thigh and around my butt, before it became a sexual assault. Picture the worst thing happening to you, that can be categorized as a sexual assault or rape, and that’s what I was going through. I felt guilty, I felt ashamed, at the same time I felt addicted because I was getting special treatment in these religious classes, I felt good sometimes but at the same time I had a know in my stomach, I felt fucking pain all the time. I lost feelings for pain and instead it became a crutch, watching a 7 year old start scraping his arms with the blades of scissors in 2nd grade art class is not an image you want to see.
My parents became aware of my strange behavior and believe me when I say it took a lot to tell my parents what was going on every Wednesday.
They were livid, they responded like any parent who found out their kid was being raped by someone they trusted. I don’t need to get into the details of police officers asking me to go into detail about what happened to me. As for what happened to the priest, suprisingly the church defended him, and I was seen as a little liar, he never got to see life behind bars, because cancer took his life away 6 months after all of this came out. Though in my mind now I’d like to think he committed suicide because he was a coward and didn’t want to face consequences.
If not the act of being raped as a child is disgustingly awful, it’s the years following that are more painful, but somehow even at the worse times of it, I’m still here! I smoked, I drank, all at ages you wouldn’t even fathom, Devin was still around, and he was the only friend I confided in with this event in my life and he took it to his grave, he passed away in 2020, age 20. Years following after the priests death and the therapy I went through I felt like I wanted to die, I had to die, I hurt myself, sometimes I hurt others, I wanted that time back but now 17 years later I know I’ll never get it back.
Some kids found out around that time and thought it was the greatest joke, I must’ve heard the word faggot and queer a thousand times. But even more surprising is that the same kids that said that, ended up realizing just how bad it was, and gave me some of the most heartwarming yearbook signings when I graduated high school in 2018.
How the fuck I’m still here? I’ll never really know, the times where I was blindly self harming and feeling a shit load of pain, i really felt like dying but now it’s something I want to pretend never happened, but I accept it and like most things in life, I have to move on. It’s not easy, it never is but somehow I just do.
2024.05.14 20:45 TheHeavierSigh Can I complain about my parents for a minute?
I remember being 12 and looking up unclaimed bodies around my area because I called my dad for 2 years straight and he never picked up.
My mother used to tell me that I’m worthless anytime I did something that she didn’t agree with. It could be over the stupidest things too. She was always deliberately cruel.
Like when my job promoted me to another store, and I was bragging to her about my accomplishments, she said “they’re just doing that to get rid of you. Nobody likes you”.
I’m turning 24 soon and it just sort of hit me that I could never be like either of them. It’s hard to be a good parent, but it’s not that hard to just be an ok one.
I want to reconnect with them so bad, because what am I doing that’s so bad that I don’t deserve parents?? I never argued with them as a kid/teenager. I never drank/smoke/ snuck out or talked back to them. I got excellent grades in school. But it’s like I got dealt a shitty hand.
I got a job at 16 and i was apparently deemed good enough to parent myself. My mom stopped grocery shopping so I had to spend my paycheck to buy groceries/food and then when I got home she would yell at me for hours because I didn’t “get the right food” and I must hate her because I didn’t buy the organic stuff she wanted. But I was only working part-time at a restaurant for $9 an hour and couldn’t afford it. She also gave me $600 a month bill that was also my responsibility with the rest of my paycheck.
Or when I graduated high school and needed to go college, she wouldn’t fill my Fafsa out (she did the same thing to my brother and he had to drop out and go to community college) and kept pushing it back. I had to get a 2nd job to pay my tuition, so I was going to school full-time, and then had a full-time and part-time job.
She figured out the days I got paid, and would drive me to a check cashing place and take most of my money. I couldn’t keep that life up of working 12+ hour days every day and flunked out of my college. I reenrolled in my local community college, but I was just so lost that I ended up quitting.
She brought a new house when I was in college that had a run-down in law suite. She told me if I fixed it I could live in there and pay rent and have some more privacy. I worked extra hours and got a 3rd job, found a plumber and electrician, and would spend hours every week to fix the place, and wouldn’t you know it as soon as I was done she sold the property and took all the profit. She did the same thing to a broken down car that she had, I paid $4k to take it to a mechanic and when we got it back, she “never said that” and still drives that car to this day.
When we were moving (again) i decided to just get an apartment with my boyfriend because I was getting sick and tired of being used. She found out and hid the leasing information that I got from a complex, and guilt tripped me by saying she wouldn’t be able to afford things on just her paycheck and would starve. So I quit looking, just for her to scream at me a week later that I was a useless burden and that I was the one financially abusing her.
So I packed my bags, slept on the dirty floor of my boyfriend’s parents trailer for 2 weeks, got a round of the stimulus checks, and moved out to our own apartment. When I went back to her place to pack the last of my stuff she was snatching things out of my hand, threw my boyfriend’s laptop and tried to choke him/throw him out.I pushed her away from him and she told the family that we both were hitting her, so they don’t talk to me anymore. She was also insulting him for his family bring poor, and making fun of his dead grandmother.
And as I’m getting older and my prefrontal cortex is developing I just don’t understand them. I can understand hurtful things being said in the moment, but to continually be like that means you are making a conscious effort to be a terrible person.
But I miss them so much. I want a mom to talk to about my day and complain about my co-workers with. I want to watch movies at her place again and eat junk food. But she doesn’t deserve it, and I feel like I do. I don’t know what to do. There’s plenty of more terrible and down right weird things that she does. Like she used to beat me and my brothers with electric wires as a kid. Or recently, she was renting out one of our old homes and my partner and I moved in and we were paying MORE THAN market rent. And she forced us to move out after only 6 weeks because I said no to helping her on a side project because I was busy. But I “owed her” because she could’ve “charged me more”.
Which I should’ve known it would end this way honestly.
My parents are divorced and my father lives in a different city. He only calls me when he needs something and honestly I have stopped answering.
I’m not sure what to do. Advice?
submitted by TheHeavierSigh to raisedbynarcissists [link] [comments]
My mother used to tell me that I’m worthless anytime I did something that she didn’t agree with. It could be over the stupidest things too. She was always deliberately cruel.
Like when my job promoted me to another store, and I was bragging to her about my accomplishments, she said “they’re just doing that to get rid of you. Nobody likes you”.
I’m turning 24 soon and it just sort of hit me that I could never be like either of them. It’s hard to be a good parent, but it’s not that hard to just be an ok one.
I want to reconnect with them so bad, because what am I doing that’s so bad that I don’t deserve parents?? I never argued with them as a kid/teenager. I never drank/smoke/ snuck out or talked back to them. I got excellent grades in school. But it’s like I got dealt a shitty hand.
I got a job at 16 and i was apparently deemed good enough to parent myself. My mom stopped grocery shopping so I had to spend my paycheck to buy groceries/food and then when I got home she would yell at me for hours because I didn’t “get the right food” and I must hate her because I didn’t buy the organic stuff she wanted. But I was only working part-time at a restaurant for $9 an hour and couldn’t afford it. She also gave me $600 a month bill that was also my responsibility with the rest of my paycheck.
Or when I graduated high school and needed to go college, she wouldn’t fill my Fafsa out (she did the same thing to my brother and he had to drop out and go to community college) and kept pushing it back. I had to get a 2nd job to pay my tuition, so I was going to school full-time, and then had a full-time and part-time job.
She figured out the days I got paid, and would drive me to a check cashing place and take most of my money. I couldn’t keep that life up of working 12+ hour days every day and flunked out of my college. I reenrolled in my local community college, but I was just so lost that I ended up quitting.
She brought a new house when I was in college that had a run-down in law suite. She told me if I fixed it I could live in there and pay rent and have some more privacy. I worked extra hours and got a 3rd job, found a plumber and electrician, and would spend hours every week to fix the place, and wouldn’t you know it as soon as I was done she sold the property and took all the profit. She did the same thing to a broken down car that she had, I paid $4k to take it to a mechanic and when we got it back, she “never said that” and still drives that car to this day.
When we were moving (again) i decided to just get an apartment with my boyfriend because I was getting sick and tired of being used. She found out and hid the leasing information that I got from a complex, and guilt tripped me by saying she wouldn’t be able to afford things on just her paycheck and would starve. So I quit looking, just for her to scream at me a week later that I was a useless burden and that I was the one financially abusing her.
So I packed my bags, slept on the dirty floor of my boyfriend’s parents trailer for 2 weeks, got a round of the stimulus checks, and moved out to our own apartment. When I went back to her place to pack the last of my stuff she was snatching things out of my hand, threw my boyfriend’s laptop and tried to choke him/throw him out.I pushed her away from him and she told the family that we both were hitting her, so they don’t talk to me anymore. She was also insulting him for his family bring poor, and making fun of his dead grandmother.
And as I’m getting older and my prefrontal cortex is developing I just don’t understand them. I can understand hurtful things being said in the moment, but to continually be like that means you are making a conscious effort to be a terrible person.
But I miss them so much. I want a mom to talk to about my day and complain about my co-workers with. I want to watch movies at her place again and eat junk food. But she doesn’t deserve it, and I feel like I do. I don’t know what to do. There’s plenty of more terrible and down right weird things that she does. Like she used to beat me and my brothers with electric wires as a kid. Or recently, she was renting out one of our old homes and my partner and I moved in and we were paying MORE THAN market rent. And she forced us to move out after only 6 weeks because I said no to helping her on a side project because I was busy. But I “owed her” because she could’ve “charged me more”.
Which I should’ve known it would end this way honestly.
My parents are divorced and my father lives in a different city. He only calls me when he needs something and honestly I have stopped answering.
I’m not sure what to do. Advice?