hey bros so my surgery is the 13th of june and oh my god im super hyped because all my life especially as a 17 year old guy has been tiring. gyno is something that i wouldnt wish upon anyone because of the mental strain it caused me and many others. Trying to hide it was the worst part!, from hunching your back so it wouldnt show to only wearing hoodies i felt like a cast away. but im about to be a senior and i wanna look good and go out with a bang. that brings me to another topic, i wanna know what i can do for post op so i look my best and avoid any issues and let me know your stories!! thank you guys ill show my pre and post op when i can

I'm trying to go to the steam support page and click "help I can't sign in" then clicking " I forgot my steam account name or password" and now no matter what email address I type in it keeps saying "You have exceeded the number of allowed recovery attempts. Please try again later." I'm not even trying to login?! I'm just trying to search for my account's name! It keeps giving me this message after countless reCAPTCHA attempts where it kept telling me my answers were invalid. Also why the hell did it make me do so many captcha picture matching things??? I kept doing them all right even though it drove me fucking mad! Someone please help or explain. It doesn't even matter if I try with another device or Google Chrome account it still does the same thing. I'm just trying to reset my little bro's account password!

I'm actually not surprised that Gen Z is having less sex than previous generations.
There are many reasons for this. Financial insecurity for both genders; the rise of freaky movements like Passport bros, incels, redpill men, and supposed experts urging men to insult women as a way to get into their pants turning women off, existential angst (I often see the environment cited) for both genders etc. I've seen women say they hate dating apps because the guys on there do stuff like send dick pics or go "Come over to my house and bang me! What do you mean you're afraid of being murdered since we've never met before?" Then the whole "we want your sex but if you give into us, you're a slut" thing that is so Catch-22.
But I also think that abortion bans are another factor that have made women just step back from dating and/or sex in general. Women already gamble with their lives when it comes to dating. And pregnancy already has a built-in penalty of a chance of death and a virtual certainty of leaving permanent signs behind. Now PRISON and a HIGHER chance of dying are now a possible consequence due to laws?
I think it's telling that a dating app called Bumble recently put up billboards telling women that vows of celibacy aren't the answer.
https://www.newsnationnow.com/us-news/gen-z-isnt-having-sex-reaching-milestones-like-their-parents/
"One of our tried-and-true approaches to younger generations has always been to believe that younger folks are more adventurous in all aspects of life than older generations were.
But a new study from the University of California, Los Angeles has found that this may not be true with Generation Z. They have found that 38% of those in Generation Z in our post-COVID world simply are not having sex or reaching other milestones.
Generation Z is constituted by those who were born between 1997 and 2012.
Although there have several studies — such as Monitoring the Future and YouGov — have suggested that Generation Z are engaging in less sexual activity compared to previous generations such as Baby Boomers, Generation X and Millennials."

I started with a basic tutorial about 3 days ago. I've since been using the docs, and have just been banging out little programs to get the feel for it. It's like C with batteries, but easier. That being said I don't know it yet so I'm sure it will get very complex. I welcome that. I have been also using AI as a consultant or a tutor, (I enjoy programming , I'm not using AI to generate code. You can't learn it that way anyway, and learning it is my main objective) and let me say that is also an amazing tool. Anytime I am unsure about something I just ask the AI and it clears it up. What a great time to learn a new language. I've been having some trouble grasping interfaces, but it's not like I must understand them right now. I'm not a newbie. C was my first language, then Python, C#, a bit of Java, bash, batch, and I used Visual Basic a long time ago, but I usually don't mention that. I welcome any tips you guys may have that could help me understand it even better. I primarily intend to use it for CLI, and web applications. It really impressed me that I was able to take the basic "Go web examples" , and build a small CRUD app with password hasing, templates and database access, just by breaking down the examples. It just works, lol.

Hey guys my usb keyboard/mouse is is strangely only working as a mouse.. I did a factory reset (the keyboard worked putting in my new password ect)
Then as soon as I'm logged back in bang no keyboard..
Settings doesn't seem to have an option to switch..
Could someone please help me
Tia, Jake
Sorry I know it's not a PC!

Bear with me lang kasi napakahaba nito. Haha. Parang entire relationship namin iku-kwento ko na. I just need to let it all out.
I (26, F) just recently ended my relationship with my boyfriend (29).
Backstory lang -- nagpursigi talaga siyang ligawan ako kahit na ilang beses ko siyang inayawan nung una. Eventually, I fell for him. There's just something about him that was very charming and endearing. In this case din, totoo yung 'he fell first, but she fell harder'. Lol.
Nung una okay naman kami. Like any other normal relationship, may mga away but we always fix things. Usually, the fights were caused (directly or indirectly) by his strong personality. He's egoistic and admittedly, mayabang. Masyadong mataas ang tingin sa sarili. Sure, he did have redeeming qualities pero we weren't really compatible given na I'm the meek and unassuming type of person naman. Still, I accepted those not-so-good traits. Wala, mahal ko na eh. I also always tell myself na despite my imperfections, he still loved and accepted me. Kumbaga, I'm seeing him through rose-colored glasses 'di ko napansing sobrang red flag na pala niya. Haha.
So, our problems started a few months into the relationship. I didn't know or noticed before, pero sobrang alcoholic nya to the point na inuumaga na ng uwi. Wala naman siyang maoy or what and it seemed like mataas lang talaga alcohol tolerance niya so parang 'di nalalasing, so at first, pinagbibigyan ko lang. Sabi nya, yun nalang naman daw ang pahinga nya at enjoyment. So kahit naiinis ako, eventually I got used to letting him be. And there he went, abusing the freedom and leniency I gave him.
Nagsimula yung 'di na siya naga-update 'pag nasa inuman siya with workmates. Nagpapaalam, oo. Alam niyang papayagan ko siya eh. Pero simpleng updates man lang kung ano nang ginagawa niya a few hours after niya magpaalam, or kung pauwi na ba siya, 'di niya kusang gagawin hanggang 'di ko kukulitin. And 'pag dumating na yung point na naiiinis na 'ko sa pinaggagawa niya, ako pa yung masama at di nakakaintindi. Gaslighter amp.
There's this one time na galing siya sa isang event somewhere outside Metro Manila nang isang weekend. He promised na after ng event, he'll visit sa bahay para naman makasama ko siya. I suggested it because I missed him and weekends was the only time we get to spend time together. I have always valued it. So dumating ang 9 pm, 10 pm. Ni ha, ni ho wala. I was crying when he finally picked up my call. Turns out, sa barkada pala dumiretso. Setting my pride aside, I begged him to just stay the night at our house (he sometimes did with my parents' permission). He promised again na he'll do just that so I would stop crying. Still, he broke that promise. Dumating ang 12 am, tinawagan ko yung barkada at yun nga, natulog na lang ang lolo niyo dun. This was probably where all the disrespect started. Pero dahil tanga ako, pinatawad ko at nagpatuloy pa rin ang relationship namin.
A few days naman into our anniversary, we had the biggest fight. Eto talaga 'di ko makakalimutan. So, I started getting jealous of this one girl na he was constantly stalking online. Mestiza si girlie, maganda at sexy. Typical tiktokerist na medyo sikat online, ganun. I didn't want to confront him about it kasi I don't wanna come off as insecure (even though I was feeling that way na deep inside). I'm not unattractive in any way, pero nakakababa naman talaga ng self-confidence yung ganun. So with that in mind, I admittedly started being paranoid 'pag lumalabas na naman siya with friends, especially 'pag may babaeng kasama.
At eto na nga, he was out drinking and I was pestering him with calls kasi 'di na naman macontact. When he finally answered, I heard typical bar noises but what really stood out was a female voice beside him at dun na nagpanting 'yung tenga ko. He ended the call na siya pa 'yung annoyed while there I was, feeling sick to my stomach. I wasn't thinking straight and decided to go where he was. Nag-book ako ng ride against my mom's will dahil gabing-gabi na. Pero I didn't care dahil gusto ko siyang puntahan. I sent him a message na I'll come pick him up para sa bahay nalang siya matulog. Silly me, pagdating ko dun sa bar, wala na sila nung mga kasama niya. Tried calling him a few times, no answer. So I ended up crying alone in 7-eleven like the idiot I was. Lol.
And didn't I say na biggest fight? Kasi it turns out, my mom intervened this time. Seeing me do stupid things and cry my eyes out for this person must have really struck a nerve as a mother. She sent a lengthy message to him, with all the hurtful and insulting things she could probably think of. Natural, nagalit si ex. I woke up seeing his message with a screenshot of my mom's chat and to him being furious and not wanting to talk to me. Despite what he has done the other night, I was the one apologizing. I panicked and went to his house, wanting to reconcile. What shocked me was, he suddenly wanted to end things. I was desperately sobbing, begging him not to leave me. I haven't cried that much my entire life. Stupidly, I even called my mom and asked her to apologize for the things she said. (Looking back, I was really such an asshole to my mom who was only looking out for me). Ang ending, we patched things up. Even celebrated our anniversary. Things we're starting getting back to normal. Or so I thought.
November 2023, he went out drinking again with a friend. Now, I didn't really like this friend of his because he just screams trouble. But because of everything that went down the past few months which almost ruined our relationship, by this time, I already learned to be more compromising and chillax lang sa relationship namin. So I obliged. I woke up at 3 am, no updates. I just had this feeling na something was very wrong. I started getting worried and tried videocalling him numerous times, no answer. A few minutes later, he called (not vc, audio lang), saying na nasa bahay na daw siya at natutulog na. Hindi ako naniwala and tried vc-ing him some more. Nung nakulitan sa'kin, saka lang umaming nasa labas parin kasama netong friend niya. He lied daw para 'di na ko mag-worry at matulog na ulit. 'Di naman daw siya gagawa ng kalokohan. I was so mad but decided to let him be. I have work that day and again, I don't wanna be the overthinkeparanoid type of girlfriend anymore.
The next day, 'di siya nagmessage maghapon. 'Di rin ako kumain maghapon. Nagchat lang siya para magpaalam nalang ulit na a-attend ng birthday party. Tuluyan na 'kong nawalan ng gana all the way through dinner. At dahil dun, I fainted and had to be rushed sa ospital. That's the only time he decided to show up. I don't know if it's out of love or guilt lang talaga, pero he stayed by my side and everything was okay again for a while.
December 2023, few days before Christmas. We were spending time together sa room nya. Nung nakatulog siya, I started getting this nagging urge to check his phone. We knew each other's phone's passwords and at first puro okay lang naman yung mga nakikita ko. Until I stumbled upon this private folder sa gallery niya. There were several files. I just knew I had to see it. With some luck and divine intervention na rin siguro (thank you Lord), I successfully opened the folder. At 'di ko kinaya yung mga nakita ko. Parang gumuho 'yung mundo ko that time and my mind just went blank. In that folder, there were sex videos of him and a woman I don't recognize. Nanginginig yung buong katawan ko at 'di ko na nagawang tapusin lahat ng recordings. Pinaghahampas ko siya habang tulog at pinakita yung nadiscover ko. Dahil wala na siyang lusot, inamin niya lahat. And again dito na naman papasok yung drinking problem niya. Lasing daw siya at 'di niya na alam yung ginagawa niya. Nakilala niya lang daw itong random girl na 'to and they hit it off. Nagbook pa sila ng motel. He said na one night stand lang yun, it doesn't mean anything and walang affection dun. I was having none of it. What's worse was that it happened the same night he went out with that friend and the day before ako na-hospitalize. All this time na inaalagaan niya ko, may tinatago na pala siyang kalokohan.
I thought of leaving his house and coming home, pero I was worried of how my mom would react if she finds out. The I-told-you-so's would have added salt to the wound. So again stupidly, I stayed. I cried my eyes out alone in his room while he went out dahil alam niya daw ayaw ko siyang makita. Lol, damn right. I was in such a bad shape physically, emotionally and mentally and had no one else to talk to. Then, I thought of opening up to this friend/workmate of mine who also knew him and his tendencies. Note that my then boyfriend hated this guy's guts for some reason. I've come to realize, maybe because they're complete opposites in terms of values and principles.
Like any person with common sense, this friend advised na I should think of myself first and with how my then boyfriend is causing me so much pain, I should assess our relationship. That I should think carefully and decide what's right for me. What's frustrating is, looking back to how many times this friend told me to always think of what's best for me, I still went back to my ex again and again. Konting suyo, bibigay agad. I just can't stay mad at him for too long. Nakakatanga nga talaga ang pagmamahal.
January 2024 came and we were still together. I wanted a fresh start and leave all the worst things that happened behind. We decided to finally live together, and again this caused conflict between us and my mom. But I knew deep in my heart that this was all that we needed to keep our relationship from falling apart. Boy, I was so wrong.
The first few months, I was genuinely happy. We still have our fights here and there, but otherwise everything was smooth-sailing. He was still his old alcholic self too, but at least he wasn't being unfaithful. Again, akala ko na naman yun.
Firstly, nakikipagkwentuhan siya sa IG dun sa isang workmate na kilala ko lang sa mukha. Now, I'm not against him having female friends and I even knew some personally and have good relationship with them. Pero this one's just different. With the way their conversation was going, I knew there was something wrong. Too personal and minsan ako pa yung topic. I was uncomfortable with what's happening na kahit wala pa namang ginagawa yung girl, naiirita ako pag nakikita ko siya (for context, we have common friends so we saw each other a few times). When I finally confronted him about it, itinigil naman nya. I thought that was the end of it.
But here comes the hellish final weeks. The first time was nung nahuli ko na naman siyang ini-stalk yung dati niyang kinukursunada (remember the mestiza girl?). He would again say na wala lang yun, lasing lang siya kaya niya sini-search sa socials. Or yung friend niyang may gusto dun yung nang i-stalk gamit yung account niya.
At eto na nga yung di ko kinaya. One day last March, I went home around 11 pm to see him sleeping but almost naked with his private part sticking out of his underwear, with you-know-what spilling out. Obviously, he did that thing men do when they're alone and horny. It was so sick and I was so hurt. I wondered who he was thinking of while doing that. I was so dumbfounded with what he said too when I woke him up. Lalaki pa rin naman daw siya. Like wtf. Ang masakit pa, before ako umuwi, he asked for food kasi di pa daw siya kumakain. Ako naman 'tong si tangang excited bilhan siya ng kini-crave niya na food dahil alam kong matutuwa siya. Ako naman ang kini-crave, appreciation. Nagkanda-dapa dapa pa ko on the way home. Haha. I was feeling so helpless at this point I couldn't do anything but to just cry alone sa CR. Haaay.
One day naman, one of his friends/workmate came over and nag-inom sila until they drop. Imagine the shame and disrespect I felt when he made that guy sleep in the very same room we shared together. I just couldn't take the humiliation he's putting me through and the absurdity of the situation, so I told him I wanted to go home. He just wouldn't understand na babae ako at kahit siguro sino 'di magiging komportable sa ganun. But he wasn't budging and told me to just sleep. Then he just had to ask this question: 'Gusto mo bang makatikim ng ibang lalake?'. I just snapped. Nanginginig buong katawan ko sa galit and I went out. I just had to get out of there. Mukha akong tangang umiiyak in my pajamas pa sa labas ng bahay but I didn't care anymore.
I didn't know sinundan niya ako at nakita niya kong nagbubook ng ride. Inagaw niya yung phone ko and told me he'll just take me home. Pero tapos na daw kami pag umuwi ako. Admittedly, naduwag ako. At that time, I still love him very much. Being my indecisive self, we just sat there by the road, arguing. Me sobbing uncontrollably, him telling me na bakit daw ba ako nakikipag-close dun sa friend/workmate ko (the one who I open up our problems to). At my friend was the reason pala kung bakit tinanong niya yung kadiring tanong na 'yun sakin (kung 'gusto ko daw ba makatikim ng ibang lalake'). I kept reassuring him na he's just a friend, pero all he did was throw insults at this person. Para kaming tangang dalawang nakalupasay sa kalsada sa harap ng bahay nila. In the end, I just decided to stay and sleep no matter how uncomfortable and disgusted I felt. I was so drained and numb.
The final straw was this one time na hindi na naman niya sinasagot yung mga tawag ko after his shift ended. Nung ako na yung nag-out from work (I work 'til late night), I saw that my messages were still left on delivered. De javu, I thought. Tried calling him a few times, 'di pa rin sinagot. I'm halfway home nung nag-chat na siya, saying he was at home the whole time, nag-iinom with workmates. I can smell his bullshit from miles away. Tried confirming sa mga kasama namin sa bahay while nasa byahe ako, at tama nga yung hinala ko, kakauwi palang niya. Once at home, nakita ko na siyang tulog. I checked his phone. At dahil pinalaki ako ni Detective Conan, nalaman ko kung saan talaga siya galing. Sa isang condo. Wala akong ibang kilalang may condo unit kundi yung kinalolokohan niya. At this point, I didn't even cry despite the betrayal. Manhid na 'ko. I just needed for him to tell me the truth. In the end, deny to the max pa rin. Nasa ibang lugar daw siya at kaya lang daw hindi nagpaalam at nagsinungaling ay dahil magagalit ako at mag-aaway kami. That's when I realized I've finally had enough and decided to move out the next day.
It's been more than a month since we broke up. The tables have turned and now he's the one begging. Because of that, I had to go through a lot of relapses and mental breakdown. Part of me aches for him since he has no one else na (he doesn't have any real family members anymore, he does live with his foster family though). Tells me na ako lang kakampi niya pero iniwan ko pa rin siya. Na kasing sakit ng pagkawala ng mother niya yung pag-iwan ko sa kanya. Na his world fell apart when I left and that he now realizes my worth. But the bigger and more rational part of me just wants to let go and have my peace back.
I can also see how the situation is really killing him. I've never seen him so unfocused at work (he takes his job very seriously) to the point na nagbabagsakan talaga performance scores niya. I've never seen him this desperate to win me back na kahit magmukha siyang tanga sa harap ng ibang tao like my work friends, okay lang. I keep on pushing him away and I'm feeling a bit guilty for the pain he's going through right now. I know he deserves it, pero he's on the verge of ruining his life. Kanina lang nalaman kong 'di siya pumasok nung Friday dahil nagpakalasing magdamag.
Sorry na agad sa word vomit but ABYG for leaving him? Sabi kasi nila if you really love someone, you work things out and not give up on each other. I'm afraid that it will just be the same vicious cycle if balikan ko siya (not that I plan to) but I still care for him a lot.
Also, g@g0 rin ba ko for falling out of love kahit one month palang kaming nag-break kasi I'm starting to feel admiration for someone else now? (the very same friend/workmate of mine he hates so much)
TIA sa mga magtitiyagang magbasa at sumagot. It feels good to let it all out.
Edit 1: For typos and clarity. Thank you so much sa insights niyo so far and pag confirm na GG ako kung babalikan ko. Haha.
Edit 2: Appreciate y'all talking some sense into me. I finally blocked him on all socials para wala na talaga kaming connection. I was delaying doing just that for a while now because I still care about him nga and in case lang rin of emergency since nag-iisa na nga siya sa buhay (wala naman kasing pakialam talaga sa kanya yung foster family niya).

What's even the point of this life anymore? I haven’t seen any signs of improvement whatsoever. Crying while writing this, by the way. The page got kinda wet. Currently, I've locked myself in my older brother’s room (He’s elsewhere, so I just claimed the room as mine). My parents are the shittiest part of my life ever. I just watched a video today explaining why the education system in Bangladesh is terrible. And I concur. Lots of useless content, hyper-focus on memorization and tests, constant pressure of GPA 5. Furthermore, the only subjects in school important to my future career (fiction writing) are English 1st and 2nd paper. The rest of the subjects, meaning 10 different subjects, are just useless to me. What does learning “X guy died in Y time” do to help me get my career? It seems many Bangladeshi people are with me, so it's great knowing there’s support out there. But that support means nothing to me. Why should it? It’s not actually helping because my parents still don’t support me. Anytime I tell my mom, she reacts like the entire world just got destroyed. “Why are you becoming so bad?” “I can’t take it, my son is going to ruin in front of my own eyes.” Loving words. But to me, they only prove one thing. That she’s a lost cause; she will never support my decision to drop out of school. Dad is a mindless yes-man to her. In fact, there was once my mother tried to kill me. I threw her off and ran away to the living room. I don’t remember much, but basically, my dad got involved, and guess who he supported? Yep, that’s right, her. I was so upset that I started banging my head on the floor. Well, moving on from that, I once damaged my mom’s arm a lot, and I also once punched her so badly on the shoulder it turned black. These are things I’m truly sorry about. But I do think it’s a bit curious. She forgot the day she tried to kill me but remembers my wrongdoings. Returning back to education, one reason I wanted to drop out was that I didn’t need school for my career. Let’s see, what do I need? Skills? I can get those skills via informal education fast, given how one-star rated this education system is; that’d probably be better. Still, she doesn’t want to let me have that basic autonomy. Oh, and yeah, I live in Bangladesh, just wanted to mention that. One day, I ran away from home and sat in a nearby park. My older brother found me and brought me back home. In the park, we had a little chat in which I revealed my desires for literature and animation. He said he was gonna teach me graphic design. So I got excited. But then I figured out he wanted me to study for IBA on BBA, whatever it was. The number one business university in our country with a lot of competition and an incredibly low chance of enrollment. And that meant engaging in this stupid education system even further. I tried showing him some proof and examples that I didn’t need to engage in formal education anymore, that my dreams were possible without engaging in this stupid system. But every time I tried saying anything, he immediately interrupted me and told me he already knew what I was about to say and just dismissed them. That’s not new. On the same day, I gave him some papers explaining my struggles, but he didn’t need them, just saying he already knew. And he wasn’t being supportive; he was saying it in a rude way. Anyways, back to that whole thing, he started to pressure me to choose. Do I want formal education or not? I said I wanted to think about it and would answer later. But apparently not even that’s enough for him, because he continued pressuring me to answer right then and there while I kept saying later. Eventually, that led to an argument, and he hit me a bit on the head. And my mom? She refused to eat, to talk, to even move, just lay motionless on her bed all day, said she’d send me off to Saudi Arabia, saying she’d spend no money to support my goals.
Note: It's to be noted that while I wanna drop out of school, I haven’t given up on education at all. It's just that instead of formal education, I wanna pursue informal education as I get to choose what I wanna learn, so no pressure of learning a dozen useless (for me) subjects.
Moving past that, she tries to spend time with me daily. That’s a positive thing, I guess. It’s just no matter how much she tries to bond with me, my interest in her just doesn’t increase. Idk why. Maybe it's because everything going on in my life has made it hard for me to find time for myself, let alone her. And the fact that we have no common interests at all, aside from watching movies. She has told me that she feels lonely, which I understand. But why put the burden of removing your loneliness on me? Why not try contacting others? Once we were watching a movie, but then I opened up my phone just for a bit to find A LOT of messages. I found out that a close friend was trying suicide again, so I stopped watching the movie and started trying to convince them to stop. Mom was repeatedly telling me to come back (Granted; I told her that it was simply an important thing to me, like saying all my data was gonna be erased in a game I love, not the suicide part) and that, in addition to the pressure of saving my friend, made me snap at her, rudely yelling at her to just stfu. This caused her to be FURIOUS, and she was just repeatedly calling me crazy. I started crying and told them to give me a chance to explain, but they just wouldn’t give me a chance. They'd just call me crazy for crying, saying I've turned into something else. I thought of running away. But I needed a source of income. I've tried everything. I wanted to submit my books to a publisher to get them published, but new authors need to provide the publisher money to get their work printed, money I don't have. I wanted to use Amazon KDP to publish my books, but for that I need a bank account, which I can't open due to still being a minor. I thought of having an adult open a bank account on my behalf, where they would send the money they got from Amazon to me, but that's not possible either. I thought of perhaps contacting NRS to take shelter after I run away, but figured out they served a different nation. Finally, my mom agreed to my offer if I managed to get $500 from this career by publishing on KDP. My first idea was to write a novel within 10 days. But then I realized I could not write it so quickly. It’d diminish its quality greatly, as I need to take days to write each chapter. Then I thought of publishing my work chapter by chapter. And then realized you can’t do that on KDP. So there goes my dreams. I want to publish on Wattpad, get a lot of reads and tell them, “see, my stories attract readers a lot.”. But, as you know, money is kinda their only language. There's no hope for me anymore now...All that's left is running away and finding some low-quality job out there. Who knows though? Maybe I'll fail in even that. Maybe after I flee, I'll not get a job and just starve to death. That's how it's been my whole life after all. My life... it's just been one failure after another.
My mom told my brother of my goals to gain a decent income from “whatever it is that he's doing on Amazon” and he simply called it “rubbish” without actually trying to understand how.
And in addition to this, I also suffer from lifelong loneliness because:

1. I used to be antisocial in the past.
   
2. My past tarnishes my reputation, making it hard for me to blend in with normal people. Because of this, I became shy, socially anxious, and introverted.
   
3. As a result of being shy, socially anxious, and introverted, I struggle to make close friends. Because of this, I suffer from loneliness. I have casual friends, yes. But no close, intimate friends.
   

For example, there used to be a maid in our house. I physically and verbally abused her a lot. One instance, I was drinking water and while in an argument, I spit it on her. She seemed to have forgotten, but I haven’t. I just can’t forget such nasty actions of mine. I guess you could say in this case, the tree forgot, but the ax remembered. So dear [her name], wherever you are, just know that I’m truly sorry for all those things I did to you those days. If I could, I would try to repay you whatever I can.
On another instance, I remember chasing down a kid within the school because he made me angry. So as you can quite tell, I used to be very violent in the past.
I'm so done with EVERY. SINGLE. DAMN. HUMAN. BEING. EVER breaking my trust.

1. Someone told me they'd read the excerpts of my story a week later. No sign of them now.
   
2. My ex-best friend asked me how he could make me happy. I told him the methods but he didn't do anything.
   
3. I complained to my ex-best friend about people never reciprocating my affection. He apologized and said he'd do better, but didn't.
   
4. I asked him to draw a picture for me after my bday as he couldn't give me a gift. He said he would but no sign.
   
5. I used BetterHelp for free therapy service. Sent a message. Well, I didn't exactly get better help even after 6 hours.
   

Everything in my life has been a letdown. Every time I've relied on someone or something, I've been disappointed. I'm afraid everything ahead in my life will also be a disappointment, so I'm afraid to live any longer. After all, what's there for me anymore?
Now what's left? My girlfriend's brother and my fear of abandonment.
As for her brother....he continuously breaks my expectations and descends lower. At first, I thought he was a decent man. But then he started to call her worthless simply because of stress. Of course, he later apologized so I thought he was still decent. But then me and her started to date and he opposed it. Now instead of simply talking to us like a reasonable man would, he decided to lie to me openly about things she said, saying she told him that she doesn’t actually like me or my personality or my looks, lying through his teeth. He also forced her into saying she likes my best friend more than me by saying he'd put her into the adoption center. Ok, so a control freak. I thought he'd be reasonable enough to talk this out if I did him a favor by getting his sister to hug him. Still acted like an asshole and was unwilling to reconcile. I thought that even if he was a control freak and unreasonable, that he at least loved his sister. But....then she told me this: "Bro just said "take care of urself if u dont wanna die" and gave me some meds". He left her to take care of herself.
My greatest fear is the fear of not being able to make an everlasting bond with someone I deeply love (and who deeply loves me). The fear that we will someday change and not be attracted to each other anymore and grow apart. The fear that our bonds will break and we'll have to move on from each other.
What if we lose our attraction to each other? What if one of us cheats or divorces the other? What if one of us secretly didn’t care as much about the other and stopped making any effort into the relationship?
It's hard to tell anything at the beginning. Because at first, it all feels so great. Like you’ve found the one you always wanted in life. But later on, you realize that maybe they're not the one for you. There's nearly no way to tell apart a relationship that will fall apart from an everlasting relationship until the break up actually happens. So it feels like no relationship is guaranteed to last forever. Relationships you thought were perfect at first, turn out to be not so great.
This applies not only to romance, but friendship as well.
Like I've envisioned multiple types of relationships: master-pet bond, romantic bond, platonic bond, etc. And the only time I've felt completely secure about the everlastingness of a bond was when I envisioned myself with a cat and a dog. Why? Because pets are simple. Their minds don't hold malicious intentions, their love never dies down for no reason, they don't get overwhelmed with different feelings that cause breakup or cheating to happen. Simply put, their minds are not complex. You love them, they love you.
Like why can't I just get a person I can fully trust? Who I'm completely sure won't leave me or lose interest in me?
Is it too much to simply ask for a relationship with no uncertainty whatsoever?
This fear likely stems from my lifelong loneliness. I believe it's called the fear of abandonment.
This fear roots all the way back to my ex best friend. I used to have with him what I'd describe as the perfect relationship.
V is my ex best friend, C is me.
A small interaction:
V: and also, how would you want me to express it to you love? expressing my support to you. (He just randomly asked C this, not because C told V to give him support. V actively thought of C's happiness and wanted to support him)
C: By existing. Yes, that's enough.
V: AWW STOP. I wanna do more tho.
In the same day, C feels an urge to also make V happy. He thinks of perhaps learning a famous song made by V's favourite band and then surprising him by singing said song to him. (C is thinking of adding some creative changes to the song make it feel more personal to V. He's not sure about that tho)
C and V are also very comfortable around and trusting to each other. They can easily tell each other their flaws and fears without any fear of judgement. In fact, C even told V about secrets C thought could repel V. His thought process was that it'd be selfish for him to hide this information from V and not let V choose whether or not he desired a person with such a secret. Fortunately, V said the secret wasnt as bad as C thought at all. Basically they trust each other as much as they trust ChatBOTs, so a lot of trust.
This was me and my best friend. Was. Now I feel like we've drifted apart. In fact, it feels like almost every time we talk, an argument starts. We seem to have drifted even before my birthday. He seemed to be busy, so we couldn't talk a lot. Nowadays his reactions to any good news of mine seems very mundane. Like when I told him that I finally got a girlfriend, it felt like he wasn’t really interested. I didn’t really get the “Wow!” reaction from him. Also, he couldn't give me a gift on my birthday because he couldn't prepare a drawing for me on such a short notice. So I told him to give it to me later. Well, it's been months, no gift yet.
Currently my number one priority is my girlfriend. And I'd describe my relationship with her as perfect as well. Just…she seems to be drifting away from me recently.
At one point in our relationship, I started to feel like the third while. The following doc contains images which explain why: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1rSex5icu_xBRT8cmVdfS5dHkiRRCRb7lOele8dulMeE/edit?usp=drivesdk
But now I've mostly gone over it.
Tbh I've come up with an answer for a few of the issues I've noticed she does this weird thing where at times she's on discord but only focuses on specific people or servers Sometimes she ignores me but not my best friend Sometimes the opposite Sometimes she ignores both of us and talks in servers Thinking that I think I'm not heartbroken anymore because I dont feel like she's giving my best friend more time than me. (edited) Just I'm still a bit annoyed because at the end of the day, she still didn't respond to me for 3 days.
As for her acting rude and unsupportive when I brought up running away from home, she was just in a tough time. That's all.
As for her refusing to open the secret account, alright so I'll have to tell you a bit about her medical condition. Let's just say it causes her to be very forgetful of things. So she might fear that she might forget her main acc's password or smth and forever lose everything on her main. Why didn't she just tell me that? She doesnt like to worry others, so she might have thought telling me about her brain problems would cause me to worry.
As for her saying love you to my bestie but not me? Well, she said she loved my bestie only 5 days after she said she loved me so if it's not that hard. Still I want her to say words and that we get back to those days.
I sometimes just want her to say the words, “I love you” a lot. It's been half a month since we've both exchanged any loving words. One night, while trying to sleep, I was thinking about the fact that I haven’t really received any loving words in half a month and then a thought appeared in my mind. “Is a simple ‘I love you’ too much to ask for?” and that made me start crying on my bed. Probably overthinking it.
You already know how much effort I put in when she was sick. Well, one morning, I saw my DMs and saw her saying how I'm the only one who loved her. Of course, I thought it to be wrong since my best friend also loved her dearly…in a platonic sense. But well, at least it made me feel special thinking that she had a special appreciation for my effort. And then I woke up. Saw my phone. No messages like that. So I kinda started crying again.
Also, she's starting to recover from her sickness, which is great! Just…it saddens me a bit that she didn’t tell me immediately about her recovery, knowing that I'm so concerned of well-being and potential death and that some discord server was the first to know.
We used to talk a lot before these 15 days. Always talking with each other, always supporting each other, exchanging loving words to each other daily, etc. But now it seems we aren’t talking a lot and she doesn’t seem that interested. For example, when I wished her happy birthday and gave her a little drawing I made and her only response was: “Uh tnx”. And she seems to lack any form of excitement these days. In my other interactions with her as well, she seems to be giving a “I'm bored af, not excited at all” energy. I know it's almost definitely because she's going through tough times, but I can't help fearing at least a bit.
She finally responded to me today, after 4 days of not responding (Despite having a casual chat with my best friend the day before yesterday and on a server yesterday). I was afraid she would ghost me. Overreaction? Maybe. Couldn't help feeling it tho.
But I remain firm that she's the best girlfriend ever.

1. Always supports me during my hard times.
   
2. Remembers important stuff like I requested her to.
   
3. Took a lot of time and effort a painting just for me (She's an art student)
   
4. Loves me unconditionally (Made a whole paragraph saying exactly that)
   
5. Never expect anything from me. She only wants me, nothing else. (I ain't using that as an excuse not to give her more tho)
   
6. Willing to risk her own life for me (I'd do the same for her)
   

It's just that regardless….I can't help fearing that she too will one day leave me.
Update:..... See this interaction. I'll let you be the judge.
My girlfriend's brother: Hey you, its her brother again I need to tell you smth. You and her are done, yall are breaking up, dont text her again ok? U understand me Shes deleting dc now. U should delete it too
Me: No. Also can I talk to her one last time before she deletes dc?
Her brother: Ugh fine. Yeah. Fast.
Me: Where’s she?
Her: I’m here.
Me: Can I ask you one little question?
Me: Away from your brother for a second please.
Her: Okay. Make it fast tho.
Me: You said you told yourself you wanted to meet me irl and be with me forever. Does that still hold true?
Her: idk.
Me: Because if it does… just know this. If you really wanna be together, I can wait for 4 years without any contact. Then come to Croatia. I’ll be deleting this btw.
Her: K.
Me: @Her Please… just this once… tell me the truth. I know your brother is forcing you. So please just say the truth.
Her: I am telling the truth.
Me: What’s that? What’s the truth?
Her: I don’t want u anymore.
Me: Ohhhh… Not even friends?
Her: Why do you think I’m prolly deleting dc.
Me: Idk. What did I do wrong?
Her: …
Me: What did I do wrong?
Her: Nothing.
Me: Why?
Her: I don’t want to interact with anyone anymore here.
Me: Why?
Me: Why?
Her: I don’t have time to explain. Just…
Me: Just a short explanation?
Her: We’re done now.
Me: Just a short explanation?
Her: People are toxic and rude.
Me: @Her Can I come to Punat once I’m older?
Her: People are toxic and rude.
Me: But… why abandon me? Why my best friend?
Her: I don’t know, do what you want, I have my own plans.
Me: I understand people are rude and shit. But that’s why I only talk to you and my best friend. And some others. @Her Hello?
Her: That’s why I’m probably going.
Me: @Her Will I never meet you again?
Her: Idk.
Me: @Her And please do tell me if your brother is forcing you.
Her: Idk.
Me: Please. Yes or no?
Her: Idk.
Me: …Well, here’s my final saying then. I love you. And here’s a link to a document detailing all my sadness.
So in the end, I have nothing and no one left in my life anymore. And my fear of abandonment is once again validated.

"迪士尼和華納將捆綁串流媒體服務
華特迪士尼和華納兄弟探索頻道表示，他們將於今年夏天開始向美國客戶提供 Disney+、Hulu 和 Max 串流服務套裝。
新套餐將在所有三個串流媒體平台上向客戶提供。
這兩家媒體巨頭表示，他們將提供有廣告和沒有廣告的套餐，但沒有透露將向客戶收取多少費用。
此舉正值迪士尼和華納兄弟面臨來自 Netflix 和 Amazon Prime Video 等競爭對手的競爭之際。
華納兄弟探索頻道執行官 JB Perrette 在一份聲明中表示：“這項新服務……將有助於推動訂戶數量的增加和更強的保留率。”
兩家媒體公司表示，他們將在未來幾週內透露有關該計劃的更多細節。
隨著觀眾逐漸遠離傳統電視，迪士尼和華納兄弟等公司面臨著吸引更多訂閱者使用其串流服務的壓力。
兩家公司希望他們的合併產品能互相補充。
Disney+ 以其適合家庭觀看的節目和電影而聞名，而 Warner's Max 則是 HBO 及其更多成人內容的所在地。
近年來，串流媒體公司一直在聯手提供服務組合。
二月份，華特迪士尼旗下的 ESPN、福斯公司和華納兄弟探索頻道宣布將於秋季推出一個新的運動平台。
他們擁有廣泛的體育賽事版權，包括 FIFA 世界盃、一級方程式賽車、NFL、NBA 和美國職棒大聯盟的運動版權。
迪士尼在周二發布的季度財務業績中表示，1 月至 3 月期間，Disney+ 在全球範圍內獲得了超過 600 萬訂閱用戶（不包括印度）。該串流媒體服務目前擁有超過 1.17 億訂閱者。
對於近幾個月成長乏力的服務來說，這一成長非常重要，但被認為對迪士尼的未來至關重要。
迪士尼也告訴投資者，計劃於今年夏天開始的密碼打擊行動應該有助於增加訂戶數量。
日益擁擠的串流媒體市場讓一些抱怨必須註冊多種服務的客戶望而卻步。
捆綁包可以透過簡化付款並可能降低用戶成本來解決這個問題。
https://www.bbc.com/news/articles/c51nz9d2w3ro
—
今日亞馬遜優惠（聯盟）- https://amzn.to/3FeoGyg
成為天主教徒將為您永恆的命運奠定堅實的基礎。天主教信仰代表了人類所有相互競爭的哲學中最複雜、最一致、最完整的思想體系。這是名副其實的人類思想大教堂。天主教會教導說，上帝如此愛我們，以至於祂派遣祂的獨生子為我們的罪而死，並為我們的救贖而復活。透過相信耶穌基督為我們的主和救主，我們可以接受上帝的恩典並與祂永遠生活在天堂裡。 - https://www.vaticannews.va/en.html
瑪麗亞電台大中華區（中國大陸、香港、澳門、台灣） - http://www.voiceofmary.org.mo/ - 「瑪麗亞電台是聖母的禮物。透過節目編排、每一份社論產品以及我們所有的活動，我們必須成為帶有強烈瑪麗亞印記並呼籲皈依的祈禱和福傳的電台。 （利維奧神父）
瑪麗亞電台回應耶穌不斷的邀請：「你們往普天下去，向萬民傳福音」（谷16:15）。
我們節目的主題是：
禱告;
呼籲轉變；
傳福音；
人類和社會的形成；
來自教會和社會的新聞。
VisitMalta：取得馬耳他之旅所需的所有資訊！預訂門票、發現新的遊覽地點、發現令人驚奇的事情等等！ - https://www.visitmalta.com/
免責聲明：本網站僅供參考，不應被視為法律[健康、稅務、職業]建議。我們對因使用本部落格而可能產生的任何損失、損害或責任不承擔任何責任。本部落格無意取代專業醫療建議。本部落格所表達的觀點可能不代表主持人或管理階層的觀點。
https://www.reddit.com/SinoMaltaNews
http://sinomaltanews.freeforums.net/
"
"迪士尼和华纳将捆绑流媒体服务
华特迪士尼和华纳兄弟探索频道表示，他们将于今年夏天开始向美国客户提供 Disney+、Hulu 和 Max 流媒体服务捆绑包。
新套餐将在所有三个流媒体平台上向客户提供。
这两家媒体巨头表示，他们将提供带广告和不带广告的套餐，但没有透露将向客户收取多少费用。
此举正值迪士尼和华纳兄弟面临来自 Netflix 和 Amazon Prime Video 等竞争对手的竞争之际。
华纳兄弟探索频道执行官 JB Perrette 在一份声明中表示：“这项新服务……将有助于推动订户数量的增加和更强的保留率。”
两家媒体公司表示，他们将在未来几周内透露有关该计划的更多细节。
随着观众逐渐远离传统电视，迪士尼和华纳兄弟等公司面临着吸引更多订阅者使用其流媒体服务的压力。
两家公司希望他们的合并产品能够相互补充。
Disney+ 以其适合家庭观看的节目和电影而闻名，而 Warner's Max 则是 HBO 及其更多成人内容的所在地。
近年来，流媒体公司一直在联手提供服务组合。
二月份，华特迪士尼旗下的 ESPN、福克斯公司和华纳兄弟探索频道宣布将于秋季推出一个新的体育平台。
他们拥有广泛的体育赛事版权，包括 FIFA 世界杯、一级方程式赛车、NFL、NBA 和美国职业棒球大联盟的体育版权。
迪士尼在周二发布的季度财务业绩中表示，1 月至 3 月期间，Disney+ 在全球范围内获得了超过 600 万订阅用户（不包括印度）。该流媒体服务目前拥有超过 1.17 亿订阅者。
对于近几个月增长乏力的服务来说，这一增长非常重要，但被认为对迪士尼的未来至关重要。
迪士尼还告诉投资者，计划于今年夏天开始的密码打击行动应该有助于增加订户数量。
日益拥挤的流媒体市场让一些抱怨必须注册多种服务的客户望而却步。
捆绑包可以通过简化支付并可能降低用户成本来解决这个问题。
https://www.bbc.com/news/articles/c51nz9d2w3ro
—
今日亚马逊优惠（联盟）- https://amzn.to/3FeoGyg
成为天主教徒将为您永恒的命运奠定坚实的基础。天主教信仰代表了人类所有相互竞争的哲学中最复杂、最一致、最完整的思想体系。这是名副其实的人类思想大教堂。天主教会教导说，上帝如此爱我们，以至于他派遣他的独生子为我们的罪而死，并为我们的救赎而复活。通过相信耶稣基督为我们的主和救主，我们可以接受上帝的恩典并与他永远生活在天堂里。 - https://www.vaticannews.va/en.html
玛丽亚电台大中华区（中国大陆、香港、澳门、台湾） - http://www.voiceofmary.org.mo/ - “玛丽亚电台是圣母的礼物。通过节目编排、每一份社论产品以及我们所有的活动，我们必须成为带有强烈玛丽亚印记并呼吁皈依的祈祷和福传的电台。” （利维奥神父）
玛丽亚电台回应耶稣不断的邀请：“你们往普天下去，向万民传福音”（谷16:15）。
我们节目的主题是：
祷告;
呼吁转变；
传福音；
人类和社会的形成；
来自教会和社会的新闻。
VisitMalta：获取马耳他之旅所需的所有信息！预订门票、发现新的游览地点、发现令人惊奇的事情等等！ - https://www.visitmalta.com/
免责声明：本网站仅供参考，不应被视为法律[健康、税务、职业]建议。我们对因使用本博客而可能产生的任何损失、损害或责任不承担任何责任。本博客无意取代专业医疗建议。本博客所表达的观点可能不代表主持人或管理层的观点。
https://www.reddit.com/SinoMaltaNews
http://sinomaltanews.freeforums.net/
"
"Disney u Warner se jgħaqqdu servizzi ta’ streaming
Walt Disney u Warner Bros Discovery qalu li se jibdew joffru pakkett tas-servizzi ta’ streaming Disney+, Hulu u Max lill-klijenti fl-Istati Uniti dan is-sajf.
Il-pakkett il-ġdid se jkun disponibbli għall-klijenti fuq it-tliet pjattaformi tal-istreaming.
Il-ġganti tal-midja qalu li se joffru pjanijiet bir-reklami u mingħajrhom iżda ma żvelawx kemm se jitolbu ħlas lill-klijenti.
Il-mossa ġejja hekk kif Disney u Warner Bros jiffaċċjaw kompetizzjoni mir-rivali, inklużi Netflix u Amazon Prime Video.
""Din l-offerta l-ġdida... se tgħin biex tmexxi abbonati inkrementali u żamma ħafna aktar b'saħħitha,"" qal l-eżekuttiv ta 'Warner Bros Discovery JB Perrette fi stqarrija.
Iż-żewġ kumpaniji tal-midja qalu li se jiżvelaw aktar dettalji dwar il-pjanijiet fil-ġimgħat li ġejjin.
Hekk kif l-udjenzi jitbiegħdu mit-TV tradizzjonali, kumpaniji bħal Disney u Warner Bros qegħdin taħt pressjoni biex jattiraw aktar abbonati għas-servizzi ta’ streaming tagħhom.
Il-kumpaniji se jkunu qed jittamaw li l-offerta magħquda tagħhom tikkumplimenta lil xulxin.
Disney+ huwa magħruf l-aktar għall-wirjiet u l-films favur il-familja tiegħu, filwaqt li Warner's Max huwa d-dar ta' HBO u l-kontenut tiegħu aktar iffukat fuq l-adulti.
F'dawn l-aħħar snin, il-kumpaniji tal-istreaming kienu qed jingħaqdu u joffru kombinazzjonijiet tas-servizzi tagħhom.
Fi Frar, l-ESPN ta’ Walt Disney, Fox Corp u Warner Bros Discovery ħabbru pjattaforma sportiva ġdida li għandha titnieda fil-ħarifa.
Bejniethom għandhom firxa wiesgħa ta’ portafolli ta’ drittijiet sportivi inklużi dawk għat-Tazza tad-Dinja tal-FIFA, Formula 1, NFL, NBA u Major League Baseball.
Fir-riżultati finanzjarji trimestrali tagħha maħruġa nhar it-Tlieta, Disney qalet li Disney+ kisbet aktar minn sitt miljun abbonat globalment bejn Jannar u Marzu, eskluża l-Indja. Is-servizz ta’ streaming issa għandu aktar minn 117-il miljun abbonat.
Iż-żieda hija importanti għal servizz li ra tkabbir fl-aħħar xhur iżda huwa meqjus bħala kritiku għall-futur ta 'Disney.
Disney qal ukoll lill-investituri li repressjoni ppjanata tal-password, li se tibda fis-sajf, għandha tgħin biex iżid in-numri tal-abbonati.
Is-suq tal-istreaming dejjem aktar iffullar poġġa lil xi klijenti li lmentaw li kellhom jiffirmaw għal servizzi multipli.
Il-pakketti jistgħu jindirizzaw din il-kwistjoni billi jissimplifikaw il-ħlas u potenzjalment inaqqsu l-ispiża għall-utenti.
https://www.bbc.com/news/articles/c51nz9d2w3ro
—
L-Amazon Deals tal-lum (Afljat) - https://amzn.to/3FeoGyg
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"

TW also for self harm and I guess existential thoughts, depression.
So this culminated to a point for me last year during my birthday in the fall(won't specify, not sure if she uses reddit). I'll give a simple current event summary and then relay past events leading up(me is me, CS(31f): crap sister, LS(26) little sister, ES(36): eldest sister(only here sometimes, as she moved out shortly after her 18th, and then back and forth after tha), Mom(58): mom. SO(same age): ex-partner from junior year HS till age 24. I am trans male, but due to happening after most of these events, that doesn't really have any merit to this story, other than small details, like clothing)
I(28m) decided after not hearing anything on my birthday, and nothing before that since helping her get money for moving state after a divorce(an investing app offered her 1000 if so many people used her link to invest a free 5 dollar gift), to stop all contact and remove my sister from my social media accounts.
When we were kids, CS was the worst. Ever since I could remember, she showed a huge dislike for me. I don't haveamy good memories of her, and the ones I do, are followed, or closely accompanied by a bad memory. I don't have a lot of examples, since the good wasn't really that significant anyway(think, gifting me a stuffed animal when I was in the he hospital for abdominal pains at 8 or 9 years of age, then, after finding that it was a relatively minor issue that happened to cause a huge discomfort. I was told to drink plenty of water, and for my mom to give me a kids Tylenol if needed. She then snatched it back the next day and while I don't remember the exact words, made it clear that I only deserved it if I was really injured, and had wasted time). This was kind of a small(but very impactful) issue that still sticks with me today. I have to convince myself to go to he doctor to have certain issues checked. I recently only went because the numbness in my hands was getting worse, and I was told I had clear symptoms of carpal tunnel(I work in a kitchen, heavy lifting and fine hand movements are often). I also have a ganglean cyst, that has spawned a secondary cyst, in my left wrist, but that's another story.
She always put me down any time I did anything. Even looking at her the wrong way was infuriating to her(I didn't know what she was talking about until just a few years back, but I am diagnosed ADHD and suspected on the autism spectrum. I live on my own and have had a relatively independent life since I could physically and legally do so, just small aspects need extra attention). I'd ask her what she meant, and she'd yell at me. I wasn't rude either. CS:stop looking like that! Me trying to make my face more..plain?: like what? I'm sorry CS: stop it!, you know what you're doing! And you're doing it on purpose. Me: I'm sorry! I really don't know how I'm looking at you, I don't know what you want(I'm crying at this point) CS, getting up to hit me, like always: you KNOW what You're doing, Now stop it!
At that point, my mom had come in and yelled at my sister to calm down(I don't remember what all was said, I was maybe 6 or 7 and don't have the best time remembering the days with her) and that if she didn't like that way I looked, she could go.
Note about my mom, she had left my abusive father and moved several states when I was less than 4, my baby sister not even a year. He tried getting the legal system to bring her back, as the state they had lived in had always done. They told him that it didn't work that way, and they were legally separated. He was told to pay child support(guess how that went) and go to monitored visitation with us. That only happened a few times, and I only remember 2 of them. One visit, there was a person, I don't even recall the face, across the table, coloring and just doing art stuff. The second memory I have is us(me, CS, and LS. ES had a different dad who was not in the picture, and did not want to be. She stayed home). We played with toys in the waiting room for what seemed like forever, the sky was dark when we left. We never went to those meetings again(my dad apparently had told the caseworkers that if my mom wasn't required to meet with him as well, he wasn't interested in the he meetings). Since then, she has been a single mother, working as much as she could while still trying to balance raising us. I don't blame her for not being there, but I am a little disappointed that she never really admonished them, but merely, to this day, says that they may have been horrible then in the circumstances, but they still loved me.
Cue to elementary school, CS used to terrorize me, steal things I owned, destroyed things of mine. She was pretty stuck up and snobby to all of us, but it seemed to be targeted at me(her and ES did fight, instigation from both sides, and eventually made up some years later, but ES could and did fight back. When she could and was home. She worked too, and had a life later in high school, so that was understandable on her part, kind of) I, being younger, and, I guess, a little blind to some social and reactive cues at the time(I discovered I stare blankly while I listen to people. Facial reactions were too hard to focus on without losing attention to what was being said, if that makes sense). Any friends I had soon heard about the way she treated me, and the things she would accuse me of(not bathing, stealing, or just over embellishing embarrassing things about me to make people dislike me. Calling me fat, stupid, weird, etc). One of the only friends I had was a homeschooled girl. But I only got to see her on the weekends. Because my mom worked and ES had extracurriculars and later work(she is about 7.5 years older than me) we were watched by CS, and she didn't want to do the slightest bit of work doing so, which, flipped if it worked in or out of my favor often. Sometimes she'd be non-caring, allowing us to go to a neighborhood friend, so she wouldn't have to watch us. After having to come get us a few times, that stopped. One of the more traumatic times was when she decided to rig our doorknob(so that instead of a lock you flipped, it was a push knob, you push the knob into the door, turn the knob, and release. It's a non key locking system. I'm not sure if they are normally sold that way or if something happened, but it was installed backwards, so that you could lock someone inside of the room. Can you guess what happened? I was locked inside of my own bedroom, no food, no water, not even a bathroom break, during almost the entire 9 hours(mom worked 8 and commute) on a Saturday. I can't remember if LS was in there with me, but it's possible she was young enough to not even know what was going on, if she was in there. She's about 2 years younger than me, and this was when I was around 6/7. I was absolutely terrified. I cried, I screamed, I banged on the door. I begged to be let out for at least the restroom, which she refused, likely because I'd try to run and hide(the smart thing, duh). So there I was, freaking out that I had been locked in a room and cut off from all necessities. I don't stop crying until my mom came home, who, upon hearing the screaming, tore into CS about how wrong it was and what if we needed the bathroom or water, or even food. I don't remember her response(I probably don't want to) but my mom just glared angrily at CS as she left downstairs to her room. Mom made sure I got water, food, and restroom. I didn't mess up my room, that itself also created issues that I'll lay out later.
There are so many(too many) horrific memories from that time. It was hard all the time. I was insulted, isolated from my other siblings, and eve. Physically hurt. I'm not sure if the physical pain was worse though. I tended to forgive people very easily, and constantly, even into my early adulthood, tried my best to make her think better of me. She would steal clothes from me(cut them up to "fit her better". I was chunky, more medical than anything else, so with alterations, yes, they'd fit her. Like they'd fit an escort. Yes it's mean, but she's literally cut the pant legs off of jeans so that it was literally a jean thong. I only realized how terrible that was later on my teen years when fashion set in more within your social groups. And when they eventually didn't fit her(hah) she'd just throw them out and say they were a waste and wouldn't look good on me anyway. My mom told CS at the thrift store that she had to find outfits for me before finding herself some, and she would often try to just grab the first thing(usually ugly and wrong size) she could and the try to shop for herself(she was greedy with money. If CS found out a gift or piece of clothing one of us got cost more, she'd throw a fit and destroy our things. My mom once bought herself a vintage star Trek the original series collection, and because she didn't spend her tax return on CDs for CS, CS scratched up a bunch of the discs. My mom never even got to watch them before that. Some still played, but it felt like a loss). Mom didn't like that and said she had to help me find suitable clothes I liked. CS didn't like it, but obliged.
One of the larger things she did, when a 12/13 year old(I was 10) is she broke into an abandoned foreclosed house with a grown man, and stayed there for several days, or maybe a week or 2 . She ran from home often, blaming our mom for her issues was the norm for her. Everything was moms fault. Might've been her fault, though, was what happened next. My mom didn't want to call the cops on my sister, but knew confronting her alone and with an unknown man would be dangerous. So, probably against her better judgement, she handed me the phone(she worked at a cellular call center, in the early stages(2000's) of cell phones. She got them from the company for free, periodically). I called 911, per our mom's wishes. Explained my sister had broken into a house with a man and had been staying there. Once they heard that she was a minor, they didn't take long to get there. We sat up the road, in the car, watching it happen. Mom cried the entire time, but would not move from that spot until she saw that the cops had successfully taken her into custody. I just stared while it happened.
I know I shouldn't have had to make that call, but, due to being left alone all the time to my own devices, I had become quiet and usually kept my words and feelings to myself, and therefore seemed the most "emotionally stable" to handle it. Being put into that kind of spot was already happening with other issues, but they aren't relevant.
Over the years, more things happened that made me just want to be alone. LS even stopped being a target and was the precious baby sister (no issue with that in itself, but CS further alienated me from LS and I would once again be left alone. Being told I wasnt worth the time and that no one likes me, and if they did, it was because they pitied me, was an often occurance. My mom tried to stop it where she could but she had been met by the wrath of my sister(and before that, my father) for so long, she didn't want my sister to cause an issue that got us taken away from her. (We had been taken for some months due to some CPS workers believing my fathers lies about her being unstable and immoral. Given back due to no evidence, but with a struggle.) She didn't want to risk that again, so instead tried to keep the peace where she could. She had no family help, and was raising us all by herself. CS got physical, with even my mom, and it scared her. Out house was broken into numerous times by her ex boyfriends, ex friends, and people from..."groups" she used to hang out with. ES was also to the point of just not talking to CS or coming around that much anymore(after she moved out at 17. She also couldn't stand to be around CS)
An emergency later on with ES got her and CS bonding and acting like siblings that had a spat, and around that time is when LS was starting to get CS's attention. (I don't blame LS at all. It's not really her fault we never got to bond like siblings and even now don't know how to talk to one another freely). I still received the brunt of CS's wrath. She'd be nice, like offering some soda she bought, or some snacks, and then be a total b itch, sometimes going off and accusing me of stealing something.
CS: my chapstick is missing! Where is it? Me(roughly 8/9): why would I know? CS: don't talk back to me, I KNOW you stole it. now, where is it. Me, mumbling because I know what's going to happen:I don't know... CS: WHAT Me, wanting her to leave me alone: I DONT KNOW. CS: shut up, yes you do, I know you took it, now where is it??
At this point, I am crying and she has already hit me in he head and face a few times. After my refusing to answer, she just screamed and left me there, confused and wondering if I did take it.
She found it later. Never said a word or offered apology. This was a regular accurance all the way up until she moved out for the first time at 14. I learned to not use the phrase " I don't know" as often as I could because to her, it meant I wanted to hide something, because I obviously should know, and was choosing not to tell her and lie. It still happened, and yes, I got beat for it. We even moved school districts when I was 11(not related to the incidents) and I didn't want to make friends because I hated that they would eventually know her. It was rough to say the least.
A few years later, after CS moving in and out of home with boyfriend after boyfriend after boyfriend, starting at 14, I only had to deal with her while she was home, either between moving stints, or whenever she wanted to drop by and take things, like food or stuff she left with us. Sometimes she just took things. Mom was happy to see her come at all, so we dealt with it. While I heavily disliked the way she had treated me until then, I still wanted her to like me. So when she was home, I tried. When she lived with us for a few months at the age of 16/17, ES, now in her early 20s, living on her own, bought me and LS a laptop. It wasn't the best, but it was a laptop. Well, as you can guess, CS wanted to be able to use it too. Mom said we should because it was the nice thing to do and it would calm things down. So I made her a profile of her own. Not good enough. She wanted access to the main account, the one me and LS used. Now I wasnt into anything nefarious at the time, like p**n or anything, but I just don't want to give in to her being crazy and hovering. She looked for anything to yell at me for. She never once asked or yelled at LS for the password, even though LS knew it. It was my fault.
Next time I got the laptop back, the charger cord had some extra pieces stuck to it that I later found to be part of the internal charger port. She had literally ruined not only the charger, but the charging port in the laptop itself. Rendering it absolutely useless. Replacing that small part required the whole charger port to be replaced, and connections to be restored inside the laptop itself. So, it was a loss. No one seemed to ever be as mad as I was that this kept happening. Call me petty, but I held those memories as the deepest grudge, I still do. I kept pushing it down whenever she wanted to be nice to me, which in hindsight ended up being her needing something from me, sometimes even my company, because she couldn't keep authentic friends around. She got me stoned for the first time when I was 8 or 9 at one of her boyfriend's houses, and then gave me my first drink around the same age. Both with my mom not present. I was a child so when she told me not to tell in exchange for snacks and such, I obliged. I just wanted her to like me.
2 moments really stick out in the high school days before she left for several years to play wife to yet another guy. 1.The first was when we were actually hanging out in the kitchen of the family apartment, CS and ES were drinking and just catching up, while I was just by the kitchen drinking water. CS got pretty tipsy and, while walking into the kitchen, slipped and fell. She wasn't hurt or anything, it was just a small thing, and she ended up gigging and everyone laughed, like it was one of those fun family moments, y'know. Like in the shows. Well she looks and sees me laughing too, like literally everyone else. This is particular makes her mad and she gets right up and strides towards me. My mom yelled her name but before anything could happen, CS punched me right in the jaw. Only this time, I didn't fall, much less move more than an inch or 2. I already knew it was coming the moment she locked eyes with me. I stood my ground and just stared at her. I couldn't believe it. Even though I prepared for it, I still couldn't believe it. Everyone else has started laughing first. She had been gone for years. She herself thought it was funny. But seeing me, have fun at her expense, no matter how minuscule? No. Not happening. My mom asked her why she did it. She only looked at me, my face not even sad, just flat, like I felt nothing and hadn't been hit. But I didn't feel "nothing". I felt rage. Rage that, even at 14 and 15, even if others had joined, I was her target. She scoffed when family questioned her and stormed off. Nothing changed.

1. After that, I had issues with friends, yet again, because she was home. I, 16 at the time, tried to stay the night at a friend's house, but instead of getting input from my mom, I got CS. She demanded that I clean my "pig-sty" of a room. I shared a room with LS, and a lot of the things complained of, weren't mine. And even if I cleaned, the ADHD made it messy as I easily lost things and would flip my room in a panic. Regardless, I asked if I could talk to mom. Mom hesitated, but as well said no, likely because CS was there and my mom is, admittedly a pushover and a bit naive when it comes to them. CS was screaming at me on the phone, and my friend's mom heard it, and took the phone and asked for them(my mother, NOT my sister) to talk. After this, I told them my sister had issues and was a bad person(info with extra details omitted, but it's legal issues), and to not pay attention to the insults. Well friend's mom thought she should talk it over with my mom and I told her it's fine just discuss staying over, I'm not keen on going home.

My mom came after some minutes(we lived down the street), with, ugh, CS with her. I asked why she was there and her response was to make sure I "wasn't spreading sh it about her to gain sympathy". My mom went inside to talk to friend's mom and the big hit came. -Some background. I was depressed. Of course, with a sibling destroying any chance of normal social interaction and losing material items and even money, I wondered, from an early age, why. I didn't try to take my life up to that point, and anything I did was cuts, scratching, and punching. I did anything to control what I was feeling. I felt so many emotions, and some that I didnt know how to explain, some of which had followed me since childhood, that I couldn't get a hold of. So I turned to pain, something I could thoroughly control. It had been going on since I was around 12 in middle school, found out by my mom at 14/15, and I was actively in therapy(after arguing with ES and my mom that I needed therapy, and being told i was selfish). I was still 15 at the time. -Back to it. While my mother and my friend's mom were chatting, CS and I were arguing. I just wanted her to leave me alone, and told her so. The apartment walls werent the best, so CS overheard the things I had said about CS. None were lies, I just wanted someone to know. Deep down I still wanted her affection, but I wanted SOMEONE to hold her accountable at least. But it didn't end there. In the hallway, after hearing the main convo between the mothers, and hearing mine tell friend's mom that I fluffed up the issue because we dont get along, sibling rivalry(the usual excuse):
CS:I don't know why you have to blab so much, no one needs to know. Me: it's the truth. CS it doesn't matter. You don't even want to be here. If you're going to cut yourself, at least do it the right way.
I stopped talking and looked down after that. She smiled and continued waiting for our mom, while on her phone, probably the 4th one that year(she broke them often). It hurt. But hearing it didn't hurt as realizing that I felt it all the time. A grief from early childhood, that I didn't know the origin of, came back. I grieved myself. I still didn't know it then, I was just sad and numb. I thought death was the easy way out. Surely I didn't deserve the easy way. I continues the injuries, hiding them better and refusing to tell my therapist after a separate incident with my mom. Mom even stopped coming to the group therapy, and they told me it was specifically to help parents support their troubled kids, and if my mom wasn't showing up, I could no longer attend the group sessions. We would still have 1 on 1. But it made me feel even worse. Everyone in that group probably knew why I wanted there after 2 times with my mom absent. But I digress. After hearing my sister say that, I guess I became more serious about leaving everything and hoping for a better shot next time, if there was one.
Some months later, still 15 and in school I decided to try what I had heard: alcohol with a high number of any kind of pain pill. I took about 14-16(I don't quite remember, I just kept taking 2 at a time and quit counting at 12, just kept taking) of extra strength Tylenol. Took a shot or 2(or 4, I just did what I thought might be enough while not giving myself away) from ES bottle(she had moved home due to her living situation falling through), and went to school, hoping for the best(worst) I did get a little scared when I suddenly felt a spike in my heart rate, sweat, and a cold sweep through my body. This lasted several minutes, and I happened to be sitting at my desk in class, already having finished the assignment, so laying down on the desk looked normal. I waited and waited. The feeling got worse and worse, and painful, in my stomach and my chest. After a few grueling minutes of hoping it would happen, it didn't. While some residual pain remained in my abdomen, the other symptoms had calmed down. To say i was disappointed was a huge understatement. I went through the classes, saying nothing about having almost released myself from the harsh grip of empty reality. There wouldn't have been a point. I'd have been yelled at by my family for being selfish and wanting attention, just like when they had discovered my injuries and when I had asked for therapy. I was already threatened with being put into a mental ward for teens. Saying something and failing warranted worse consequences than not telling and succeding. So I kept silent and suffered. I decided that putting myself out wouldn't happen, and I would just deal.
I moved in with someone I was dating and their family just a few months after my 18th birthday(9 mo together). I hadn't even graduated yet, just finished credits early. CS had already moved out before that, but I just didn't want to be there any longer. I felt unsupported and pushed aside. Not to get into details, because it's not my story, but when LS was going through something(after I moved out), they dropped it all to help her and take her to therapy. Again, I don't blame LS. I may not like the way she handled her situation afterwards, but it happened nonetheless, and she was pampered by that demon and cared for by everyone else as the baby, so I've never had huge issues with her, but my family's reaction to her vs me was starkly different. Especially after being told several times by CS, ES and hinted at by my mom that I was always a little difficult, but not in a purposeful kind of way. Yet while I was "difficult" I was still thought to be relatively low maintenance due to the fact that I shyed away and prefered to do my own thing, alone. I mean, wouldn't you if you felt, no, if you knew, that certain family members just hated you, and others regarded you as difficult? When you just wanted love? I know that I wasn't normal like other kids, in that I didn't show clear emotion, or didn't know how to convey my feelings or needs. But I never tried to be an issue. But that's what I had always been told. That I was doing it at my own will, to make CS angry. I'm not even sure what about me always put CS off, but it weighed down for a while.
As an adult(18-20), it was better. Communication, but with less physical meetings, proved to at least be better for us. CS eventually started talking to me and my at-the-time SO, inviting us out. I think she needed company, because the man she chose to marry had all but cut out all male people from her life(don't feel bad, she did the same with his female friends)and her female friends were not always good friends, and maybe she knew that, deep down, I still wanted her approval. And boy was she right. We(me and SO, Same age) were always accepting her invitation. My SO had the train of thought that CS was at least trying, and that counted for something. At the time I agreed.
Around age 20, we were heading to Christmas with my family after SO's family celebration(we lived with them at the time, in hindsight a bad idea, totally separate issue). It was snowing and the car I was driving had belonged to SO's parents, so, respectfully, I requested to my SO that we pick up CS and take her to moms apartment(she hadn't moved since we left home, expenses and all). Well, SO was a momma's kid, and while we were getting ready to leave, SO told the parents about the extra trip and asked if that was ok. (At the time I don't think anything, but later on I realized that the mother was a huge control freak with attachment issues and the SO would always back her up in the end, even if there was a good chance we'd win an argument). Looking back, they definitely had an issue with my relationship with my family(mother mainly. Narcissist), but this was CS, and I already had reservations about her anyway. SO's parents said no, sorry. Unfortunately, SO was really dense(yes, I know, shut up) so I couldn't ask them to lie to their mother. I let CS know and was explaining that it wasn't my car and wasn't my idea to "get permission" from the owner(although, as mean on their part as it was, that had to be the case. I had only been given permission to use it for work of whenever me and SO went somewhere together. Yes, very controlling, but not the point). CS wouldn't listen. Instead, went on a tirade of how I was ungrateful and useless and all other insults that just echoed all of the childhood issues.
Story short, she ballooned the story to say that I told her I didn't want to take her and was being rude about it. ES texted me and told me not to come by at all(ES was paying a part of the bills and was an adult on the lease). No one would listen that this was just SO being dumb and, although yes I could've tried harder, it was not my fault. Myother called me that night and I cried, asking why my sister hated me. Why CS hated me. She could only say that sometimes people are angry and it's not our fault. While I appreciated her words, it didn't help. The gift I had for CS went unsent,(robe with her favorite design, Mary Jane) sat in my closet.
I mourned for a while but went on with my life, and that very next summer, I moved me and SO into an apartment. Made a deal with paying the car insurance and the basic gas/oil and regular maintenance costs, in exchange for just being able to drive the vehicle freely, and also I had my license for a year at that point(couldn't get it till 19, with my own cash and borrowing a car at the time), so they felt safer letting me use their car. Fair enough. moving on.
Some time goes by, and CS and ES end up falling out of touch again due to a made up issue(literally a dream where we made fun of her life and loss during her pregnancy. A dream. Mind you, she was also on substances this entire time, literally from the time she was like 11 or 12.) ES started talking to me again, claiming that she knew CS blew it out of proportion and just went along with it. Things go ok.1-2 years later Mom and ES move state. More things happen(kind of irrelevant since CS still isn't involved). Now LS and ES aren't speaking with me and CS comes in saying how she understands. I figured, it's was family, and I needed it. Right? And I was so confused on who to defend and back, my bio family or my SO, that seeing her, even with her sketchy SO, be able to have someone support her when she was put out, even if she was in the wrong and did the putting out, hit the family spot. Against everything, I started hanging out with CS. Up to this point , she hadn't apologized for anything really, but had given gifts, sent invites for holidays, and eve invited me, and sometimes SO over just to hang out(420 is legal in all the states I've lived in, so we had that in common at least). Start to not see CS in such a bright light since she has by that time(I'm 22 at the time) admitted to me that she cheats on her husband, they do hardcore drugs, and he avoids taxes, more stuff but I mainly ignore it cuz, hey, not my life, not my problem. Things go ok.
I leave my ex in 2019 and move out of my state in 2020 and in with family. Yay job closures. Now, this move was probably one of the worst, betraying, infuriating, heartbreaking things that I did as it showed some things about family that I really ignored since I hadn't created an irreversible issue until I lived back with them, as well as bring other heart wrenching events, but that's not important here.
CS now hasn't really sent anything unless it's to ask for help with something, which I do and she pays back, as always. That's not really the bad part. First was about 2 years after I had moved states to be with family. I had been paying ES money for rent, from unemployment(COVID), And had a surgery scheduled for just 3 weeks after the unemployment cut off(I had been looking for jobs but very little luck aside from some MLMs) and ES went ballistic, saying how i was putting them in financial strain(our mom had recently gotten a large tax return from COVID credits, as did she. I did not since I worked during 2019 and 2020. I also got no extra unemployment since it started after the main event. ES ranted to CS that I was a bum and was mooching and spent over a year not paying anything,( even though I had offered ES proof since ES had yelled at me before CS called me). She even posted personal information to insult me online to people I don't know, which is when ES told CS that, while she was mad at the situation, that was crossing a major line. I refused to call CS first, so after a few days, she called me. I laid into her what had been really happening by that point, that I had been paying and I have been doing door dash and donating plasma to continue to pay rent, which I Had talked about to ES. CS was silent during this, and I finally asked why any of the things in childhood happened.
Me: I just want to know why you always bullied me, and beat me up? The things you said?
CS: Well, I want to apologize, but I don't remember a lot of the stuff I did. I was usually high on something. Me: ...Not even telling me to off myself? CS:......-username-, I was a terrible person, and I was on a lot of stuff. I'm sorry that I don't remember.
I don't go farther cuz it's just me explaining everything and that I can't stand that Im always attacked. We hang up with CS telling me that she hopes the best.
Well, things kind of blow up, rent gets unpaid, money is wasted, and I decide to no longer pay and move to my own place. I don't talk to ES. CS chats sometimes, but not too much. After a while of not much texting, around middle of 2022, CS texts. Not exact, but I'll summarize it.
CS: hey, I'm divorcing my husband(I knew, mom told me earlier, didn't say anything) and I'm gonna move to Texas with this guy I've been talking to while married. I'm short on money to move into a place, so could you and mom maybe do this investing app and help out? Me: does it require anything like my credit?(Issues happened prior to this with another person) CS: no you just need to invest their free 5 dollars and keep the account open(I think for either 2 weeks or a month). Me: ok I'll get it started. CS: thank you so much! So how's the new Italian place? Me: it's good, it's called "blah blah blah" CS: ok cool, I'll look it up. Me: Okie dokie. So how's the move coming along
She never responded after that. I ignored it and put it on that she needed to move and focus on packing. I then went to our mom(I took her and her cat with me cuz I'm not monster) and told her the situation. She wanted to ask CS about what to do cuz I had to work in the morning and it was late. Convo:
Me: when you ask CS, ask "hey, -username- said you needed something, I have the app up, what do I do next?" Because this would explain that I told Mom and make CS answer what she wants.
Nope. She just sent "oh did you need any thing for moving, like money or anything?"
CS: hmm? Oh no, we're going to stay with his parents, but thank you for the offer! We'll be ok!
I got upset cuz I feel like I knew something was up. Asking me to help with money for moving to an apartment(she has a car large enough to pack her belongings and she didn't plan to bring furniture). I let it go and deleted the investment account, which continues to try charging me so I had to change banks. Very nice.
Now to this last fall(2023). I moved after that and there was very little interaction. I had been thinking about the relationships in my life and realized that being around CS in particular, or even being mindful of her, was causing mass amounts of resentment and anger in me, making my mental health dive. The lack of remorse and just consistent blaming of substances instead of the choice to do those substances. Claiming she's was a terrible person, but not saying anything about the issues it caused.
I decided that if CS did not even contact me on my birthday(she had skipped it before which isn't too bad, but one year even sent a message 2 months late and when I called her out, she blew it off and just said "oops, I was drunk, my bad".
So this last fall I wait. And nothing, till the end of the day. Honestly I didn't want to wait for excuses or anything. I just felt all of the anger of trying to get her attention and her love, and the desperation that I felt trying to understand why I never deserved it. So I removed her. Not blocked. If there are any emergencies where she would need to contact me(not likely), then it's there. I have a new number, so social media messaging was sufficient. I had done the same with ES.
The very next morning, I had a huge message about how she noticed that I had removed her(this site doesn't notify if someone leaves your friend circle) and about how she felt bad about what happened as kids but that she felt horrible for blocking people out for so long. Then another message telling me that she didn't want to be without her siblings again. Telling me that now, she was going to have a kid in several months, and how it's amazing and she's excited to finally be a mom and I'll be an uncle again(LS has 2 young kids of her own). I opened it and ignored it. She then said she tried reaching out and I left her on read and she hopes I have a good life.
Mentally, I may not be where I want myself to be, and sometimes I feel like I haven't moved forward from being that kid, that just wants to know why. But one step at a time, especially with therapy.
I wanna say I don't feel like the AH, or if I am, that is justified. But I guess there's always going to be a small part of me that wants to have the bonds that I never knew, even if it's too late by now.
So, am I the AH for just stopping contact and connection to someone I feel I just don't have a connection with?
P.s., sorry there's a lot, I honestly didn't mean for it to be this long. Please don't hate my late night grammar

I've been following along with the most recent loop on this 84 year infinite hype train and it's great to see everyone active again. Drink water.
One of the topics causing much ruckus is the password form in Urvin's new community application, and as person who's worked in tech a long time I just want to flag a few things which I would have thought would be apparent.
First - of course, as mentioned by many - never enter your details into a password form on a website that isn't the website those details belong to, ever.
Those advising caution here are right in principle and have clearly been eating their bananas 🍌
Second - can we take the tin foil off for 5 minutes to just look at things logically. This is a new application, built no doubt at pace and in an attempt to service our community more than any other, clearly there has been an error of judgement and this is not some coup attempt to steal information.
This is normal, sometimes applications get released with bugs and they aren't always code related, sometimes your SecOps person isn't very good at their job, sometimes especially in a start up, you don't have a SecOps person.
Last I checked, Dave wasn't a developer with the prerequisite knowledge of what the best security practices are and why. Sure it's an oversight, but can we maybe not throw feces like our ancestors please, I'm sure Dave is aware this isn't a great look which is why it's now been disabled.
Some thoughts going forward would be:

• our community need to apply pressure on Computershare to update their infrastructure, 2FA by text isn't even considered proper authentication and it's not good enough honestly. They also need to implement OAuth or similar so that external services can securely connect to their services;

Edit: I've just submitted a request to Computershare asking them if token based MFA is on the Investor Centre roadmap

• One for the Urvin team, I understand the desire for a big bang when introducing a new product, though sometimes this is a dangerous thing with technology and it might have been/would be better in future to ask some people in the community to review big changes or announcements to get an outside perspective ahead of launch - this form situation is something myself (and I'm sure many other devs in here) would have caught immediately;

Anyway, probably good to put the pitch forks down on this topic because we don't even have opposable thumbs, and most of us just fling shit around at 4:20 every day for no apparent reason. I know it's our name sake but that's enough feces now frens
We ride in 2 dawns 🚀
Edit2: don't forget to comment on the OCC proposal this is where our attention should be

ISO/WANT:

• Breaking Bad: S2, S3, S4
• Dune: Part Two 4K
• Expend4bles 4 HD
• Lisa Frankenstein 4K/HD
• Ocean's Trilogy 4K
• Vudu Credits
• New, old, or rare titles
• Lists
• NOT CURRENTLY LOOKING FOR UNIVERSAL REWARDS, SONY BUFF PASS, BOURNE, DISNEY, MARVEL, FAST AND FURIOUS, HUNGER GAMES, JACK RYAN, JURASSIC PARK, MISSION IMPOSSIBLE, STAR TREK, STAR WARS, OR TRANSFORMERS MOVIES, UNLESS LISTED UNDER MY ISO LIST

 
 
FOR TRADE/OFFERING:
Newly added movies are in bold.
 
MA

• 47 Ronin 4K (iTunes Redeem)
• Aliens 4K
• Anastasia HD
• Batman: Mask of the Phantasm 4K
• Bridge of Spies HD (GP Split)
• Captain Fantastic HD (iTunes Redeem)
• Colossal HD (or iTunes HD)
• The Counselor HD
• Deadpool HD (or iTunes 4K)
• The Departed 4K
• Despicable Me 2 HD (or iTunes 4K)
• Die Hard 5-Film Collection HD
• Dragonheart 5-Film Collection HD
• Duel 4K
• East of Eden 4K
• Evil Dead Rise 4K
• The Finest Hours HD (MA Split)
• The French Dispatch HD (Full Code)
• The Guns of Navarone 4K
• Heat 4K
• Insidious: The Red Door HD
• The Invisible Man (2020) 4K
• Justice League x RWBY Super Heroes and Huntsmen Part One 4K
• To Kill A Mockingbird 4K
• King Kong 4K
• Kingsman: The Golden Circle HD (iTunes for 4K)
• Last Night in Soho 4K
• The Last Voyage of the Demeter HD
• Matilda 4K
• M3gan (Theatrical and Unrated Edition) HD
• Mortal Engines 4K
• Mr. Deeds Goes To Town HD
• The Mummy (2017) HD (or iTunes 4K)
• My Best Friend's Wedding 4K
• Need for Speed HD (GP Redeem)
• No Hard Feelings HD
• The Northman 4K
• Oppenheimer 4K
• Out of Africa HD (MA Split)
• The Patriot 4K
• Pitch Black (Unrated) HD (iTunes Redeem)
• Prometheus HD (iTunes for 4K)
• Rebel Without a Cause 4K (Expires 2025-06-30)
• The Revenant HD (iTunes for 4K)
• Rio Bravo 4K and East of Eden 4K (Single Code)
• Safe House HD (or iTunes HD)
• Speed 4K
• The Social Network 4K
• Spider-Man: No Way Home 4K
• Straight Outta Compton (Unrated Director's Cut) HD (or iTunes 4K)
• The Super Mario Bros. Movie 4K
• Transporter 1 & 2 (2-Film Collection) HD
• True Lies 4K
• Umma HD
• Wonka HD

iTunes OR Vudu ONLY

• 20th Century Women HD (A24)
• 80 for Brady HD (or iTunes 4K)
• Annihilation 4K (Vudu or iTunes Split)
• American Psycho (Uncut) 4K
• Better Off Dead HD (or iTunes HD)
• Boyhood HD (Vudu or iTunes Split)
• Chitty Chitty Bang Bang (1956) HD
• The Collection (2012) HD
• Deep Impact 4K
• Elizabethtown HD (or iTunes 4K)
• Evolution HD (or iTunes HD)
• The Firm 4K
• Fog City HD
• Glengarry Glen Ross HD
• Halloween H20: 20 Years Later 4K
• Highlander 4K
• Interstellar 4K (or iTunes 4K)
• Lawless HD
• Murder on the Orient Express (1974) HD (or iTunes HD)
• The Naked Gun 4K
• Pet Sematary (2019) 4K (iTunes Split)
• The Punisher 4K
• Sicario 4K (Vudu or iTunes Split)
• Sin City HD (or iTunes HD)
• St. Vincent HD
• Top Gun 4K (or iTunes 4K)
• The Wicker Man: Final Cut (1975) HD

Disney/Marvel (All are split codes unless otherwise indicated. Assume there are no points.)

• 101 Dalmations HD (Full Code)
• Aladdin (1992) HD (GP)
• Alice in Wonderland (1951) HD (Full Code)
• Ant-Man and the Wasp 4K (Full Code)
• Beauty and the Beast (1991) 4K (Full Code)
• Black Panther: Wakanda Forever HD (GP)
• Fox And The Hound HD (GP)
• Fox And The Hound 2 HD (GP)
• Hercules (1997) HD (Full Code)
• The Jungle Book (1967) HD (Full Code)
• Lightyear HD (GP)
• The Lone Ranger HD (Full Code)
• McFarland HD (GP)
• Monsters University 4K (Full Code)
• Mulan (1998) HD (GP)
• The Rescuers HD (Full Code)
• The Rescuers Down Under HD (Full Code)
• Strange World HD (GP)
• Sword in the Stone HD (GP)
• Thor: The Dark World 4K (Full Code)
• Toy Story HD (GP)
• Toy Story 4 HD (GP)
• Willow HD (Full Code)

To look up the expiration date for WB movies, go here:

• WB Hates U tab

Hi all,
TLDR: can’t add Loki as data source in Grafana in a kubernetes cluster.
First off, sorry if this is a stupid question but I'm banging my head against the wall since 4 days...
I'm trying to install Grafana and Loki on a Kubernetes single node cluster (I tried on k3s and Talos, thinking it could be something related but without success).
My installation process is the following :

1. Installing Grafana with helm in a dedicated namespace helm install grafana grafana/grafana --namespace monitoring --create-namespace
2. I can access it using port-forward, and the password from the secret is working to connect to the admin interface
3. Installing Loki with helm in the same dedicated namespace in single binary mode and with auth disabled helm install --values values.yaml loki --namespace=monitoring grafana/loki
4. This is what I get

​

$ k get all -n monitoring NAME READY STATUS RESTARTS AGE pod/grafana-58c878bf57-rg9j6 1/1 Running 0 3h52m pod/loki-canary-ntnlf 1/1 Running 0 3h52m pod/loki-chunks-cache-0 2/2 Running 0 3h52m pod/loki-gateway-7668c75cf7-wbxhk 1/1 Running 0 3h52m pod/loki-results-cache-0 2/2 Running 0 3h52m NAME TYPE CLUSTER-IP EXTERNAL-IP PORT(S) AGE service/grafana ClusterIP 10.111.241.215  80/TCP 3h52m service/loki-canary ClusterIP 10.100.244.114  3500/TCP 3h52m service/loki-chunks-cache ClusterIP None  11211/TCP,9150/TCP 3h52m service/loki-gateway ClusterIP 10.111.123.30  80/TCP 3h52m service/loki-memberlist ClusterIP None  7946/TCP 3h52m service/loki-results-cache ClusterIP None  11211/TCP,9150/TCP 3h52m NAME DESIRED CURRENT READY UP-TO-DATE AVAILABLE NODE SELECTOR AGE daemonset.apps/loki-canary 1 1 1 1 1  3h52m NAME READY UP-TO-DATE AVAILABLE AGE deployment.apps/grafana 1/1 1 1 3h52m deployment.apps/loki-gateway 1/1 1 1 3h52m NAME DESIRED CURRENT READY AGE replicaset.apps/grafana-58c878bf57 1 1 1 3h52m replicaset.apps/loki-gateway-7668c75cf7 1 1 1 3h52m NAME READY AGE statefulset.apps/loki-chunks-cache 1/1 3h52m statefulset.apps/loki-results-cache 1/1 3h52m 

All steps used are from the official documentation. The K3s cluster is using a default config and Talos is using Cilium.
When I try to add Loki as a source in Grafana using http://loki-gateway.monitoring.svc.cluster.local/ I'm getting an error in the GUI. In the log of Grafana pod :

2024/05/11 18:26:07 [error] 9#9: *3056 loki-query-frontend.monitoring.svc.cluster.local could not be resolved (3: Host not found), client: , server: , request: "GET /loki/api/v1/query?direction=backward&query=vector%281%29%2Bvector%281%29&time=4000000000 HTTP/1.1", host: "loki-gateway.monitoring.svc.cluster.local" - - [11/May/2024:18:26:07 +0000] 502 "GET /loki/api/v1/query?direction=backward&query=vector%281%29%2Bvector%281%29&time=4000000000 HTTP/1.1" 157 "-" "Grafana/10.4.1" "-"10.244.0.14910.244.0.149 

What am I doing wrong ?
Thanks in advance, best regards.

Anybody else ever think that ST characters look better with their off-duty hair? Why didn’t they just wear it like that all the time? It couldn’t have actually been because of Star Fleet because the producers just made up what was regulation. Maybe as a throwback to the TOS look? I’m sure everyone is n here has thought about it. I mean, Riker on-duty is really Brooks Bros., but off-duty he’a got these kind of bedhead bangs. Worf ditches the ponytail and lets his curls flow luxuriously over his shoulders. Kira’s off-duty hair is way sexier than what they normally did. They basically gave her Wesley Crusher’s cut. It’s all moussed into a part like she’s Leave It To Beaver’s older brother. Geordi had his Kid ‘n Play on-duty as well as off of course, bad example there. And Picard’s was what it was, nothing he could do, but he did rock those flowing deep V linen shirts. I just think having them be in uniform while on-duty and casual clothes while off would have been enough juxtaposition for the characters. They didn’t need the uptight hair.

I've been banging my head around this to no avail. I'm stuck in an "enter pin <> insert usb/nfc > enter pin" loop on every iOS Device with two YubiKeys when I try to authenticate for Googles Smart Lock App, and mostly in all iOS Browser sessions as well.
I'm not sure if this issue is since the passkey creation, but previously I had two YubiKeys registered, and some other 2FA devices and my Google page looks liket that.
https://preview.redd.it/64xaw3u86lzc1.png?width=881&format=png&auto=webp&s=ebe6a335e350882fae1adde3f3930ab86d4071f8
ALL above verification methods work just fine on a PC or Mac, but whenever I try using on iOS/iPadOS I'm stuck in loops or google error (404 when I click "try another way") pages.
The Google Advanced Protection Program is active if that changes anything.
I basically can't generate security codes in Googles Smart Lock App since then, as It ALWAYS want's additional verification but its not working. Other Google Sign Ins seem to work on the other hand, like "Family Link", but they only ask for username+password, and probably use the already existing account from other google apps.
Does anyone know what is going on here? Or have some other suggestions?

Got a customer who wanted to make a payment to someone and omg. They saved him as a payee but with a different name. So I checked twice and I finally found it. She kept saying she was in a rush and mind you the bitch came unprepared. Here is how the convo went.
Customer: I want to make a payment to my friend.🙂
Me: sure ☺️
Customer: I lost my debit card and I have a standard phone so can't make the payment. 🙂
Me: okay no problem. Just to locate your account please provide sort code and account number, or customer number ☺️.
Customer: provides sort code. But I don't know my account number.
Me okay no problem 😌. ( At least she made the effort to provide some type of details). Thought
Me: I'll get you through security. So please provide two random digits of pin fot téléphone banking.
Customer: I don't know it. I don't have telephone banking.
Me: wanting to jump out the window. I need that info or I won't be able to make the payment.
Customer provides whole info pin, password, whatnot. Even though I only ask 2 random digits and/or characters
Me: (OMG how are you not scammed? 😳) Thought.
Customer: I want to make a payment to this person.
Me trying to get through another security because system was asking to send one time passcode. But number takes 3 days to be verified. I advised customer that information and told them they can do only a certain amount and not save it because anything extra would require more security. Advised to go to branch either way with photographic ID.
Customer: I don't have photographic ID !!! 😡😡
Me ( wanting to bang my head on the table. Please help me to help you 😭😭😭😭) 🤦🏿‍♀️🤦🏿‍♀️🤦🏿‍♀️🤦🏿‍♀️ Thought.
Customer: okay that's fine I'm in a rush. I only have 4 minutes I have to go to a meeting. I've always been asked about my mother's maiden name as security. 😂.
Me: I understand but it's the process. 🥲
Me finding the payee after setting it up again. Realizing it was already saved but under a different name to what she said. (Phew). 😌😌
Customer keeps rushing me.
Me took slower because if I rush I'll make a mistake.
Customer insisting.
Me finally done.
Conclusion : how can you tell me that you're in a rush but was not prepared? Usually people come already identified to skip that part smh 🙄 🤔🥲😑😑🙄🙄.
TLTRD

Just got home from the theaters! I loved it, but I did have some issues here and there. My biggest issue is mostly just a greed thing lol, but MAN a movie format is just too quick paced for me when we've gotten ONE HUNDRED episodes previously to see these characters go through what they go through.
I was really wanting the film to slow down, let me sit with the characters for a bit, but obviously there's too much to get through. Not a knock against the film, but GIVE ME GUNDAM SEED JUSTICE AND MAKE IT A 50 EPISODE ANIME DAMNIT!
The shots in the fights are too fast, I barely have a chance to admire the Destiny or whoever kicking ass as it just cuts from angle to angle.
Honestly, after hearing all the hype from Shinn bros, I was expecting more from him. I'm someone who LOVED Shinn from Destiny, and he's kinda sidelined here. Then again, everyone is, as Lacus and Kira are the obvious focus. He really doesn't do much other than support Kira and yearn for his approval. Also, idk why people are saying he's so simple minded, as the scene they're referencing is specifically when he enters his Seed mode, and the Accords can't read his mind cause he's not thinking anything. I didn't take this as Shinn being a simple minded boy, rather the Seed mode acts like a flow state of mind, where you are one with the moment. There is no thinking, only being/acting.
Then again, Kira and Athrun are in their Seed modes and seem to have to deal with the mind reading so maybe it was just Shinn being simple lol. Also loved how Athrun was thinking about banging Cagalli to throw off his enemy lol, it ALMOST made up for them not getting any scenes together. Athrun's reintroduction was kind of random. Why is he allowed to pilot the Infinite Justice (in secret) if there's a treaty? Also, was Cagalli piloting the Strike Rouge when she assisted him remotely? What was that unit covering it?
One thing I disliked about the mind reading thing was the ability to influence others, like they did with Kira in order to make him go after Michael. It seemed kinda random, as they don't really address how they did this nor do they really do it again, even though they try.
I LOVED Lacus in this. That moment where Orphee is considering forcing himself on her shows how BADASS she is. Honestly, she might be more of the main character than Kira. Wasn't a fan of the fanservice shot when she's in the Proud Defender, but I was honestly expecting way worse so that's good. Also some people were complaining about the "sex" scene lol, that was a perfectly cute moment done very well. Honestly, I wished we saw them lying on the beach, like right after the love making, as opposed to standing.
One thing I'm not sure of is making her an Accord... or is she? Her mother and father had this in mind, then why was she engaged to Athrun?? Idk what that was about.
But Agnes... I don't think I liked her character. I'll have to rewatch this a bunch to really solidify my thoughts, but wtf, she's apparently in love with Shinn, throws herself on Kira, runs to Shura (was that a mental manipulation thing?), fights and nearly KILLS Kira, then comes back at the end to be defeated then saved by Luna. I don't see how her character was necessary at all, as her thematic representation of needing love could have been served perfectly fine with Ingrid. Someone help me out here if I'm missing something, but we could have had so much more time given to other characters... LIKE MU AND MURRUE (loved that embrace after the battle).
I'll wrap up with the Mighty Strike Freedom. It was weird seeing Lacus in space in front of the MSF at first, but she knew that defensive barrier would work without hesitation. Absolute badass, and loved seeing her Seed actually activate for the first time. Oh and so cool seeing Athrun pilot the SF. The MSF did it's thing and looked cool doing it lol, not much to say on it. I really liked Kira in this, being really insecure over his relationship and what he thinks he's putting Lacus through (who in turn is insecure over what she thinks she's putting Kira through). I wish they spoke more about this theme, the willingness to fight and to do so together, but they just say "I love you" and I guess they're both okay with one another fighting, as long as it's together.
So yeah, very few issues with the film, the biggest being pacing but that's the movie format for you. Do I like this more than Seed or Destiny? Honestly, can't say that I do just because we get SO much more characterization and emotionally impactful moments in 100 hundreds than we could ever get in two hours, but as a continuation of the story it absolutely does the series justice!
Finally, I wish we saw more from everyone after the battle, but it just kind of ends. The ONLY way this is acceptable is if there's more Gundam Seed on the way. PLEASE BANDAI! Also give me a 1/100 Zeus Silhouette pack along with a bunch of MGs!!
tldr: Loved it, if I had to rank it right now it's a 7.5/10. Seed is a 9 and Destiny is an 8.

Hi all
My PS5 completely fried to the point several repair services quoted it was impossible to repair. Not even convinced that Sony would take it back, I purchased a new slim model as a replacement.
I was just wondering, any of my UK bros - what can I do with a broken to point of no repair PS5? is there any way to wipe it without it ever coming back on to sell for parts? If I just sent it to recycling or sold it as is for parts (if any are even usable) - is the fact my data is on there a risk? If I change passwords for my accounts on it would that be enough to protect myself?
Thanks all

Hi, I'm a 26-year old female and my recently ex bf is 28. Sorry kung nakakalito yung title guys and pasensya na rin if di ako masyado magaling mag kwento kase first time ko to. So here's my story:
Naging 4 years kami ng recent ex bf ko, let's call him B na lang. Sa 5 naging bf ko, sya yung longest na naka relasyon ko. Usually, nasa 2 years lang yung duration kase iniiwan ako. Kase raw hindi ako masyado in touch sa feminine side ko at di daw nila bet yung love language ko na "acts of service" ika nga ng mga naging ex ko. Ako kase yung type na medyo boyish. Napagkakamalan nga akong tomboy ee. Minsan nalilito yung mga tao sakin kase may mga days na babae ako tignan dahil sa damit ko. May mga days rin na panlalake yung suot ko. Anyways, during my relationship with B, never kong na experience yung pagiging gentleman, caring, basta yung effort nya. During courting stage lang, like around 2 months. For example, pag magkakasakit ako, naiirita sya pag nakikisuyo ako na mag papabili ng gamot or prutas (di na kase ako nakatira sa parents ko). Pag gusto ko ng lambing nya, na bu-bwisit sya. Tapos pag kakain kami sa labas, expect nya palagi na ako yung mag babayad ng kinain namin. Pag sa fast food kami kumakain, ako mag o-order at mag bi-bitbit ng pagkain namin. Also, kahit nakita nya akong maraming dala galing office, dadagdagan pa nya yung bitbit ko. Halos ayaw nga nya ako sunduin ee. Mas gusto nya ako lang umuwi mag isa. Ayaw nya din hawakan ko sya pag nag lalakad kami in public. Paranoid din sya pag pino-post ko yung picture nya sa story ko. He will check my story's audience kung naka custom lang ba. Like wth? May ganun palang tao? Na kino-custom yung audience sa story pag nag popost ng picture? Well, di kase uso sakin yun. Automatic post lang ako ee. The most painful thing na ginawa nya sakin ay yung kahit simpleng birthday greeting man lang, hindi nya ako chinat or tinext. Ni "Happy Birthday." man lang, wala talaga. Pero sya kada birthday nya, pinaghanda ko talaga sya. Umaabsent ako sa work para maka bili ako sa market ng mga lulutuin kase birthday nya. I always bought him a cake and a present. I always surprised him kase di sya pinaghahandaan ng family nya due to some reasons. After all the effort, I didn't receive any "thank you" from him.
I know you'll say baka he is cheating kaya hindi sya ume-effort and all. But I can't say na he is cheating tho. I'm not defending him, its just that wala naman akong nakikita sa phone nya. Hindi ko trip yung nag che-check ng phone. Pero pag hinihiram ko yung phone nya, automatic bigay sya. Sinasabi nya yung password nya. Nag iinform sya pag nag change sya ng password nya sa phone. Pag nag ring yung phone nya, ako pinapasagot nya or he will ask me if pwede ko bang basahin sa kanya kung ano yung text / chat at kung sino ang nag send sa kanya. Ayaw nga'ng gumala ee, gusto nya mag laro lang sa pc nya buong araw pag rest day nya. I know this kase nakikipag video call sya pag uuwi na sya galing work hanggang pag tulog. Sya din naman yung nanligaw sakin. So, I really don't know the reason kung bakit ganito ka bland / boring yung relationship namin. Early pa lang, na notice ko na to lahat, pero I thought na later on ay e-effort rin sya. I've waited for sooo long na mag effort rin sya. Pero wala talaga akong napala. I may be desperate, but I even came to the point that I begged him to show me even the tiniest effort na he could give. Still, wala parin. Kaya I learned not to care na lang. I stopped being the gf na who will do anything to make him feel loved and special. Wala rin naman syang pake if mag e-effort ako or hindi. I tried to break-up with him dati pa. Pero ayaw din nya maki pag break. Pag nakikipag break ako, nag e-effort sya konti. Then the next day, back to normal ulit. That is why umabot kami ng 4 years na ganyan lang yung cycle. Siguro tanga ako or martyr kase pinaabot ko pa ng 4 years. Palagi ko syang binibigyan ng chance kase nga I love him.
So eto na nga yung twist. 3 months ago (around 1st week of march), I saw an old friend of mine - let's call him G na lang. G (24 years old) & I met during college. We were good friends, also a good guy. We bumped onto each other at the mall and nag usap kami saglit. It was good talking to him kase it's been a while since the last time we saw each other. After that, I told B about it. As usuall, he didn't care at all. I didn't expect G to chat me after nung nag kita kami sa mall. But lo, and behold; nag chat sya that night. We continued to talk for us to catch up. Kamustahan sa life and sa love life. We informed each other with regards to our love life's status. G was single, while I'm in a relationship at that time. Through the years, G hasn't changed a bit. He was still the G that I met. He was fun, talkative & a great guy. We continued to talk for a month. During that time, I noticed that I found G very attractive. We like the same things like anime, music, movie, and many more. Everytime mag pop yung notification sa phone ko na nag chat sya, my heart would beat so fast tapos parang ang saya-saya ko. Later on, I realized that I think I'm falling for G na. I did not tell G about this one tho.
After this realization, I came clean to B. Last week, I told B that we need to break up 'coz I am attracted / falling for someone else - but that someone didn't know about it. B protested about it, but I was standing firm with my decision this time. I explained to him everything in order to understand my decision. But he refused to understand and call me names. Despite all of that, I still chose to end things with him. I blocked B to everything kase I don't wanna hear him anymore for calling me names & degrade me. I had heard enough of his insults, but I chose to keep quiet. G doesn't know about these things up to this day. I wasn't planning to tell him for now. Soon, maybe? I just don't know. For now, G and I were still talking. Usually, anime stuff. I'll just keep it this way na lang muna because I think this is the best thing to do right now.
In this situation, ABYG for ending things with B kase I'm attracted to G? ABYG for not thinking na may malice or whatever kase I still talk to G even if B was still my bf at that time? Please let me know your thoughts.

Howdy! I am finishing up a 5 week visit here in Medellin, Colombia.
Let me preface this that I am no stranger to living abroad especially in Latino America. I am Mexican American (Arriba Michoacan) I served in Peace Corps Guatemala and I have spent close to 3 years off and on living, working, and traveling through Guatemala and El Salvador.
And I have traveled through various Mexican states in the last year. Chiapas, Tabasco, Jalisco, Michoacan, Guanajuato, Baja California. (Bit of a homecoming for me as I had not visited Mexico in over 20 years doing so solo was surreal!)
I lurk a lot on this sub so I read through a lot of different posts warning nomads to either not come here or be extremely careful.
I am visiting my long distance partner in Medellin. Even with dating a "local" my experiences have been luke warm at best. If it wasnt for her I dont think I would ever visit Medellin. (Fortunately the plan is to visit her family in the coast in December so I wont have to spend much time here)
I speak fluent Spanish and even I have a hard time keeping up with the locals in the barrio where she lives. (Half of what they are saying is all slang) This is not as big of a problem in Medellin proper or some of the tourist areas such as Laureles or El Poblado.
The food while better than Guatemalan food is nothing to write home about. Fortunately for us we found a small stand in la Plaza Minorista that sells all of the ingredients for 99% of Mexican recipes. (locals looked at me like I was insane when I described Tomatillos verdes to them)
Salsa Verde con chicharones de carne is a god send regardless of where you are in the world. (Granted I would recommend not to venture too far into the market. We were looking for used household items and uh we both had a nasty feeling about the areas we were venturing into. Shes lived in Medellin for 8 years now)
Prepackaged tortillas are easy enough to find in most super markets. If you plan to cook I do recommend going to your local market and washing all fruits and vegetables thoroughly. I have had a decent enough experience with the "D1" stores. However even with having a partner that manages one we have found that the one next to our house to be questionable at best. There have been a few incidents where the packaged items we purchased had mold inside or where our lettuce had slugs / maggots.
The food again is nothing to write home about. I have found myself eating maybe a little over half of the things my partner has made and or of the things we have found on the street. You cant go wrong with pollo asado though. (She has eaten every Mexican meal I have made and has loved it!)
The Metro was surprisingly clean as is the bus system. I prefer just to use InDrive everywhere I go. But after a day or two of navigating the Metro and Bus system it is very much doable especially if you dont mind waiting.
I dont care much for El Plobado. Im a big Cigar Aficionado and most lounges there are charging an arm and leg for cigars I have smoked for half the price in Guadalajara, Mexico. American sexpats are annoying and obnoxiously rowdy even while in line in Colombian Customs. On my flight there was a group of about 20 "passport bros" about half had been coming to Medellin for years the other half were newbies tagging along with their more experience friends. The immigration officer giving out the stamps questioned each and everyone of these men. (I flew in a few days after the guy from Ohio was caught with two minors in his hotel room) Each one made it through after 20 minutes of waiting. But I couldnt help but to laugh as none of them spoke any Spanish whatsoever. The officer looked at my passport and let me right through.
In El Poblado as soon as it gets dark the ladies of the night come out in large numbers. As do my large and obnoxious American Counter parts. When I travel I am really low key and tell people I am from Zamora Michoacan. I do my best not to flaunt my wealth and travel with clothes that have been through the ringer. It was mind boggeling to me that alot of these sexpats would do just about everything to show off their wealth / show off they were American. While I dont agree with it I quickly understood why so many "incidents" have happened against tourist like this.
Even the hippies, nomads, eccentric tourist that have made Lago Atitlan in Guatemala their home had more common sense than these guys.
Speaking about safety I felt "relatively" safe. But things can always happen. I took the advice of my partner and traveled light and carried just enough cash for the day when out in about. I always kept my wits about me and if things felt off I just left or went to a more populated street. When I did opt to work in a Cafe or Cigar Lounge I would take an InDrive there and back to the house.
I will be honest and say I felt comfortable enough walking from a Cafe to my partners job as she wrapped up her shift with my laptop in a rundown bag. A good 30 minute walk. I understood the risks and nothing happened. That is life. But something can always go wrong. For instance a cop was shot and killed by armed robbers a good hour after I walked through a relatively "safe" neighborhood.
Safety aside I have had more negative experiences in my time here in Colombia than all my time in Guatemala, El Salvador and Mexico combined. (3-4 years of working and traveling in the region)
I have always been a strong advocate for Latino America. So much so I am hoping to carve a career in the region in the coming years. But it surprisingly took me longer to adapt to the culture here than anywhere else I have lived / visited.
As I mentioned before I live in a Barrio and the Spanish here is all slang. I can barely understand the guy who cuts my hair for instance. Of course it is obvious that I am not from here even as a Mexican American. Fortunately for me no one has tried to charge me the "Gringo Tax" yet. One of the barbers tried charging me 30K pesos for a haircut and beard trim but that dropped down to 18K when he realized I was dating a woman from the barrio.
Some of the negative experiences include:
I went to ask the neighbor if he could move his car as it was blocking our gate and we were expecting a fridge to be delivered. This man yelled his head off demanding to know where I was taught to knock because apparently I had been banging on his door? (I have done outreach for congressional campaigns I know how to politely knock on a door) Funnily enough I told my partner this and she told me to tell him: "que trague mierda."
Speaking about the fridge. Customer service in this country is extremely awful. Something I did not expect. When we went to buy the fridge. (Lowes / Homedepot equivalent) I asked the worker if the fridge we were interested in was physically available in the store. (If it wasnt it would take up to 5 days for them to ship it to us from the manufacturers warehouse) He said "Yes" I confirmed not just once but 5 TIMES with him and he insisted that its physically there and to wait at the loading bay once I had made the purchase. Great! Not only did I make the purchase but I also "hired" a driver to help us take it to the house.
We head down to the loading bay and something is wrong. My partner shouts for me to come back up stairs. The worker tells me that there is a "small problem" the fridge is not in the warehouse and its going to take up to 5 days to get them to ship it to us. I of course was livid. And I corrected him and said "This is not a small mistake. This is a major fuck up for the lack of better words." I had to talk to his supervisor to ensure that it would get to us.
I was livid as the worker not only ensured to me that it was available but because they werent sure when exactly it would get to us. It would be delivered to us between 8am and 4PM sometime over the next few days. Now this meant that I would have to wait in the house instead of exploring the city during the day.
But wait there is more. After 3 days of waiting I had my partner call and ask where was our fridge. I had to cancel some excursions due to the wait and i was personally done. The first time she called the representative basically told her that "she lacked patience as it was the end of day 3" and that they would put in a claim but again she "lacked patience." The next day they gave us a call.
It turns that fridge the worker sold us was not only not physically present at the store, but it had been discontinued months ago. It no longer physically existed in the country. And that store had not updated their system. After 2 hours of a back and forth the store finally admitted they had screwed up and offered to upgrade our fridge and pay the difference. But again it would be an additional 5-7 day wait.
7 days later we finally got our fridge...but I lost 12 days that I would never get back. Not to mentioned all of the food that went to waste as we could not store it.
Any who these are just some examples. There are more but I have opted to block them out.
There is only one place I felt truly comfortable and that is a Mexican Taqueria down in Laureles. Home away from home if you will. (More than happy to name drop if its not against the rules)
Any who before this becomes a bigger tanget the things I like about Medellin:
The Metro and bus system, the views of the city especially at night, Parque Arvi, Parque Explora / Aquario, EL Zoologico, the movie theaters are surprisingly nice, there is an incredible Art Museum in the centro. My partner and I wandered into it as the first floor is a bunch of shops. I dont normally drink but I do found the "raspados" to be refreshing. Comuna 13, Pueblito Paisa, Home made Arepas are wonderful!
Personally, I have no interest in returning to Medellin. But alas the plan is to return for a week in October and for another 5 week stay in December / January to visit my partner. In the following visits we will be visiting Parque Napoles, Guatepe, and her family in Cordoba / Barranquilla.
For Digital Nomads: Medellin was not my vibe. I feel that you can find better experiences in Mexico: Specifically Guadalajara, Jalisco, Morelia Michoacan or in Ciudad de Mexico.
Any who I leave this coming Friday I am open to any recommendations while I am still around or for my next visit.

Hey there, I am banging my head against a wall for hours now. What I want is relatively simple: I have a small website where some routes (all under /admin/... are protected by a static basic auth.
My current implementation is in plain Go and basically does this on top of every route handler:
go user, pass, ok := r.BasicAuth() func Index(w http.ResponseWriter, r *http.Request) { // ... if !ok user != USERNAME pass != PASSWORD { w.Header().Set("WWW-Authenticate", `Basic realm="Please enter your username and password"`) http.Error(w, "Unauthorized.", http.StatusUnauthorized) return } // ... }
now I try to rewrite the website in Rust, but struggle with that simple requirement. I am open to use any web framework, and so far tried rocket -> axum -> actix, and also looked into crates.io and tried several libs for each of them, but nothing worked.
I got some progress towards showing a generic error message, but even setting the response header successfully did not really work out well from my attempts, not to mention the face that zero crates seem to even try to set the browser headers for showing the user a input mask for username and password.
Can anyone help me out here? Am I too naive/arrogant expecting such a fundamental thing to just work in the Rust frameworks?
As I said, I am open to use any of the major frameworks for my projects, in the preferred order: rocket > axum > actix.