I'm transfem and I've medically transitioned. I've noticed something weird that happens occasionally: when I come out as trans to people I'll sometimes be assumed to be transmasc or (less commonly) they'll ask which "direction". (Not great phrasing, I know, but it's their words not mine.) The people that have reacted like that have mostly been doctors or other medical folks.
I'm not sure how I feel about it. It kinda feels affirming but also...not. If people are assuming that I was AFAB then that's kinda good I guess since I'm transfem and I want to be read as female? But if they're assuming I'm a trans man because I look like a man then that's bad because I don't want to be perceived as a man.
I realize I dress kinda neutral/masc—hoodies, unisex-fit t-shirts, sweatpants, sneakers (I spend a lot of time in the gym), no jewelry or makeup—and that could be throwing people off. I'm also quite thin and wiry, and I got very little breast development from E, so perhaps they assume I'm binding. I don't have facial hair so that's not what's causing it.
Tbh I'm not sure where I'm even going with this. It's just a weird thing that's happened to me, and that it's happened multiple times makes it seem even weirder. I know I could dress and present more fem but that's not who I am. Has this happened to anyone else here? How did you take it? Like, the people who did it weren't trying to be mean or anything and it was easy to clear up the confusion. I guess it's left me with lingering doubts about my appearance and body though. I want to be perceived as a somewhat masc woman or maybe as a tomboy, not as a man.
EDIT: forgot to mention my height. I'm 5'10 so I don't think that's what's causing it.

Best ways to support mom? With physical and mental needs.
I’d been at college and when coming home (just a couple days ago) my mom revealed that she has breast cancer. “The polite kind” she says as she was told by her doctors. She found out around March and didn’t want to tell me while I was away at college apparently and was going through deliberation on what to do. Through what she’s witnessed others go through with breast cancer diagnosis and treatment, including it sometimes coming back undetectable and untreatable, she has made the decision to get a double mastectomy. (Of course other factors but I believe these are some main ones).
I think her poise has helped me remain calm. While she seems almost unmoved by this upcoming surgery and only through minor comments reveals how it has “been on her mind”, I know that she still needs support. I have been helpful in finding items to help in her healing process and supportive w creating an optimistic atmosphere but what else should I do? A question I would like insight into is: how do I remind her that she is so beautiful? I think this drastic bodily change (while I know she is already a little insecure) will affect her. Everything has been happening so fast, I am not sure what exactly to expect from the surgery, from how it will affect her physically to mentally.
Overall, best ways to support my mom?

I've had a bit of a history with medical anxiety. A little bit of background. 26F, masters degree and work in the medical field as a diabetes educator, have had Type 1 Diabetes since age 11. Take Prozac 20 mg daily for anxiety, I see a therapist every other week and a psychiatrist every other month.
First major bout of anxiety was when I was 16 and my ANA titers came back high. Was deathly afraid that I had lupus until other testing came back and I had a reassuring talk with rheumatologist.
Second bout: Age 22. Got what I thought was a bad stomach bug. Felt full and bloated and nauseous all the time, could barely eat, put up with this for 1.5 weeks and then went to the ER. They said it was likely gastritis but could also be gastroparesis (given my history of diabetes). I spent my whole hospital visit utterly depressed and convinced that the rest of my life would be like this. Got out of the hospital a few days later. 3 weeks later the gastritis resolved and I was fine. No gastroparesis.
Third bout: This year, in March. Came down with some kind of stomach bug. Got a pretty high fever, went to the ER, they did a bunch of testing, they reassured me it was a stomach bug. The whole time I was sick, my mind started racing back to a few weeks prior to when I had a patient with a prior history of heroin abuse. My brain basically went: "So this guy abused heroin, what if he had undiagnosed AIDS? I helped him change the lancet in his lancet device. And although I was wearing gloves, what if the lancet somehow, without my knowledge, sliced through my gloves, sliced my finger, and infected me with the HIV virus and I developed AIDS? Even though my gloves were completely intact when I threw them out". And if course, the bug ran its course and I was fine in a week.
Fourth bout: Two weeks ago I felt a small lump in my breast. Went to PCP, she said it's 99% chance it's fine but I should just get an ultrasound to be safe. It's scheduled for June 13. I'll be good for a few days and then spend a day or two convinced I have breast cancer. And then the breast cancer worries make me think I have other cancers, so I will see any tiny mole on my skin and then think I have skin cancer.
What makes me the most angry is that, I'm medically educated on at least some of these topics. I knew the gastroparesis freakout was unwarranted, and I 10,000% knew the AIDS freakout was unwarranted, but once I get worrying about something, my mind ignores all common sense and prior knowledge. I've been reassured by my friends, family, doctor, and therapist, but I'm still freaked out sometimes over the most recent issue. Any advice, words of encouragement, anything? I hate living like this. 😭

So I’m an 18 year old girl ( 18F for the bot ) who just had a benign lump as big as two quarters removed from my breast, and I was thrown the book as far as nausea meds go. I was given the scopolamine patch, IV zofran, propofol, oral zofran, and I'm sure ten things else. They threw it all my way which I'm so grateful for, but despite it working for 24hrs, l'm now 4 days in and sicker than I have nearly ever felt.
I'm dry heaving but not vomiting, vertigo is insane, and sleeping has been impossible. I'm trying my best to stay hydrated but holy shit I don't know how much more I can take of this without having a legitimate breakdown. I also already am diagnosed with POTS which is totally exacerbating these symptoms. Still, i don’t take any other medication besides Buspar that would interact with the zofran, & I was told by 48 hours the PONV would subside.
If it lasts for another day I'm going to see my doctors. Though I'm just wanting to know; is this normal? Is there something I'm doing wrong/ not doing to help?
If anyone has any input l'd be so grateful. I can't wheel my wheelchair on my own, I am so weak and eating is so hard. Any help is so greatly appreciated. Thank you redditors : (

I was planning on getting a few tattoos on my arm this August from a tattoo artist I’ve been trying to get in with forever but the doctor I had scheduled my breast aug with had an opening come up the first week in June (I was originally scheduled for December) and I took the spot because I kind of want to get it over with because I’m super nervous about it.
Does anyone know what amount of time it’s recommended to wait after surgery before getting a tattoo? I’ve seen varying info. I do plan on asking my doctor as well, just wondering because I want to try to see when I could reschedule my tattoo appointment to if I have to.
Can tattoos affect breast augmentation in anyway? I have lots of tattoos and go to the same reputable people over and over so not concerned about infection. I definitely want to continue getting tattoos after getting them done.

Baby boy was born at 36 weeks gestation a few days ago. He is in the NICU due to having a pleural effusion that seems to be clearing. He also has pulmonary hypertension but they hope no surgery is needed right now. He is stable and doing well in the NICU. He doesn’t suckle or eat on his own because he is learning to swallow and breathe. Things we take for granted. I feel bad for my wife because she was looking forward to experience being a woman and breast feeding him.
They no longer have him intubated just on oxygen with the canula at 2 liters so we are making progress. Blood work came back positive for trisomy21. Asked Doctor about a microarray but she said he doesn’t need one?that he as tri21? I thought there were 3 types from what I am learning online.
Can’t say my wife and aren’t a little scared and confused. I did sign up today for down syndrome network news letter. I guess I just don’t know where to start since we are embarking on this journey.
I hope to give him the best life I can. I know early intervention is important but what exactly does that entail? What therapies should I be looking for to begin with? What recommendations or resources?
My wife is grieving and so am I a little because he is our first and I guess we had so many ideas of our marriage having a little one that would be our legacy in terms of growing up and growing older, college, girlfriends, maybe marriage and children for him but now I see he may never experience some of those things and we should be counting our blessings.
I have so many thoughts in my mind like what kind of life will he have and be able to live? Will he live a long quality life? Will he have independence? I get worried about who will take care of him when we die as I am 38m and wife is 36f. Then I read that I can expect his life expectancy to be maybe 50-60’s years of age and that some DS people live till 70’s maybe.
I know I should just enjoy the moment now of him being a baby but seeing the videos on you tube and realizing how much time and effort he will need to thrive scares me because he just won’t have a typical childhood. But I will do my best to be strong and be there for him and I want to give him the best start and base possible to thrive.
I see there was an institute for people’s potential and also know I will need to sign up for all the therapies I can. I know also I need him to have great nutrition and healthy lifestyle so he can carry himself with it for as long as he can because after my wife and I are gone he will really have no one else besides maybe a few nephews and nieces. Do I need to set up a trust or anything like that now or accounts to grow so he will have something in the future to use?
Thank you for reading my grief and cries here. I appreciate your experience and expertise on what I can do to give my newborn baby boy the best quality of life he can have.

The garage door shut with a groan behind us, closing us in the gloom of the single bulb hanging over the car.
Mother took a drag off her cigarette and sighed as she exhaled, the smoke filled the cabin of the Ford and stung my eyes.
“You really disappointed me today, Julianne," she tapped her cigarette in the ashtray below the dash, "you embarrassed me in front of the other mothers at the Ice Cream Social, shoveling down seconds and thirds like a pig. I thought I raised you better than that.”
She took another drag, daintily holding the cigarette between her perfectly manicured fingers.
“I'm going to have to tell your brother about this," she continued, “he'll have to come up with a punishment fit for a pig."
I felt my stomach drop. My kid brother, Thomas, was only six, but could be exceptionally cruel. Mother seemed to encourage him and was deferring to him more and more frequently for how the house was run, especially concerning my upbringing.
"Mother, please, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to embarrass you. I'm sorry I was a pig and ate so much ice cream. I promise I won't do it again, I'll never eat any ice cream again," I was pleading with stone, unyielding.
“Hush your mouth. Go to your room and wait for Thomas," she put out the cigarette and got out of the car, I had no choice but to follow.
It felt like walking to the gallows as I stepped inside the house and headed towards the stairs to go to my room. Thomas had grown fond recently of physical punishment, he obviously delighted in Mother whipping me with a belt or, recently, Mother had allowed him to start beating me with a wooden spoon. He would squeal and giggle like a normal child watching bubbles in the wind while I screamed. I was dreading whatever was going to happen tonight, I chastised myself for eating that ice cream, I should have known she would show up. My sins were always laid bare.
Down the hall, I could hear Thomas watching television in the den. I only got to watch TV for half an hour on Saturday morning and new episodes of Happy Days with Mother and Thomas. Thomas got to watch all the TV he wanted. He could listen to the radio and turntable as much as he wanted, as loud as he wanted. Thomas had an entire room just for his toys.
I entered my bedroom, it was a space I occupied, but it didn't feel like mine. Mother kept it spartan, white walls and white bedspread. A crucifix over the bed and a painting of Jesus over the door. I had my desk and chair and a dresser with some of the porcelain dolls Daddy gave me before he died that Mother let me keep. That was it.
I placed my book bag down and sat on my bed, waiting for Thomas. It was a while, sitting there with nothing but my own thoughts and staring at the open door. I felt humiliated, I was almost thirteen and my entire life was dictated by my brother. Mother kept the house in constant lockdown to keep Thomas a secret. No outsiders were allowed in. I couldn't have friends because she was afraid I would mention him or sneak a friend in to gawk at my brother and tease him for being different.
I would never make fun of him, I was terrified of him. Terrified of what he was and what he was becoming.
Eventually I heard his heavy footsteps coming up the stairs and I felt my heart start beating faster and my palms began to sweat. I kneaded my skirt in my hands, trying to calm myself and dry my palms. His slow arrhythmic footsteps came down the hall and I watched him as he entered the room.
I couldn't help but internally recoil at his appearance, even though I'd known him since he was born, I could never adjust to how unnatural he appeared. Thomas had been born at home and had never seen a doctor, but he was obviously unwell.
He was six years old and was barely over two feet tall, but very squat and wide. His skin was thick and gray, the whites of his beady eyes were yellow and his hair was wispy and white like an old man's, spreading out like a halo around his gargoyle face. A slight odor of decomposition hung about him, it reminded me faintly of garbage cans on a hot summer day. I hated when Mother made me help him with a bath, his skin felt like old brittle leather that flaked onto my clothes in gray flecks. His body was dense like concrete, I could barely lift him into the tub. Picking him up forced his hair into my face where that smell of rot would fill my nose, causing me to gag, silently, so as not to offend him and draw any ire from him or Mother.
Today, Thomas was wearing bib overalls with a red and green striped sweater underneath, reminding me of a grotesque doll.
“Mama says you acted like a piggy today at the ice cream social,” he spoke up to me in his unsettlingly high pitched, yet raspy voice, like a child that smoked as much as Mother, "you need to come down for dinner right now for your punishment for embarrassing Mama."
He turned and walked back down the stairs and I had no choice but to follow his toddling form downstairs to the dining table. We entered the kitchen and the table was placed with two settings. Mother was already seated and Thomas clambered up into his booster seat at his normal spot next to Mother. She took a drag off her cigarette and motioned vaguely to the floor without even looking at me.
Neatly situated on the linoleum was my dinner, not on a plate, but directly on the floor. A pork chop, scoop of mashed potatoes, and a small pile of peas. No utensils, either.
Thomas giggled with glee upon seeing my face.
“You have Mama's permission now to eat like a piggy, now. No hands! Piggies just use their face!” He stood up in his chair and reached out for Mother’s ash tray and flung it out over my meal, peppering my dinner with cigarette ash and butts.
"Oops! Piggies don't mind trash though, do they, Mama?” he giggled and the sound filled me with rage.
"No, they don't,” Mother replied coolly while maneuvering her ashtray back in place and carefully putting out her cigarette before saying prayer.
As angry as I was, I got down on my hands and knees and did my best at eating what I could without using my hands. I knew if I refused, it would be far worse. The whole meal, Thomas made pig noises and would reach down and poke me with his fork, making comments about what a fat piggy I was and how he wished he could roast and eat me. I doubted Mother would even object if he actually did kill me and eat me.
Gagging my way through another bite of ashy pork chop, I felt a warm splat over my head and heard Thomas giggling. I reached up and felt he had dumped mashed potatoes into my hair.
Choking down tears, I asked Mother if I could clean the floor and bathe. She rolled her eyes and excused me to clear the table for them as well while she changed Thomas into his pajamas. Picking him up, she walked out of the room and Thomas stuck his putrid little purple tongue out at me before they made it out the kitchen door.
I silently cried while I cleared the table and washed the dinner dishes. Tears splashed down as I mopped up the mess from my food on the floor. I hated how awful Thomas was. I hated how they treated me. Ever since Daddy died and Thomas showed up, I was their punching bag. I missed Daddy so much.
Mother was kinder then, too. She was still severe, but Dad kept her tempered. After he died, there was a change that came over her. I was only six, so I didn't remember her too much from before, but I did remember her gushing on and on when she was pregnant with Thomas. How the baby was a gift from Our Heavenly Father, that it was going to complete our broken family.
My sixth birthday happened right after Daddy died and I remember sitting on the patio crying while the house was full of people after the funeral, normally he would have gotten me a new doll and a chocolate bar, instead I was forgotten. No doll. No chocolate. Just funeral potatoes and a house full of cigarette smoke from the adults.
Nobody remembered. The closest thing I got was my dad's sister, Aunt Judy, sitting next to me on the patio step for a few minutes of comfortable silence before giving my shoulder a reassuring squeeze. I don't think she knew her brother was memorialized on my birthday. Next year, Thomas was born the day before my birthday, so it was completely eclipsed as Mother had just birthed her new love into the world…
I stopped mid mop as a lightbulb finally went off. I had never put much thought into the dates before.
Thomas was born a full year after Daddy died. He couldn't be his dad. Who was Thomas’ actual father?
Washing mashed potatoes out of my hair that evening, I ran over and over the timeline. No matter how I parsed it out, Thomas was only my half brother. Going to bed that night, I kept myself awake, going over and over again to make sure. I couldn't remember any men being around at that time, but that didn't mean much. Adults can easily hide things from children. Tension began throbbing through my head and I felt queasy. Mother had always known all of my secrets, able to sniff them out like a bloodhound out or using Thomas to spy. Now I had one of Mother's secrets and I didn't know what to do with it.
First I wanted to confirm it, but it would mean snooping, which was difficult in a house that was rarely left empty. I would have to try finding Mother's calendar book or journal to see if she mentioned any dates or men.
But when could I attempt such a daring maneuver? Thomas hardly left the house. As proud as Mother was of him, she was very cognizant and protective of his differences and didn't want to draw attention to herself or Thomas like that. Mother herself had few social engagements throughout the week and mostly stayed home to watch her golden child.
I finally decided I would take the risk and fake sick on Tuesday, grocery day, so I could stay home from school while she went shopping. All Thomas did all day was watch TV downstairs, so that should give me about an hour to look through her room for clues. I decided to tuck my head down, try to behave as best as I could to avoid their wrath, and wait for Tuesday.
That weekend limped along agonizingly slow. Thomas was in a fine mood and was constantly seeking out a reason to poke me, punch me, slap me… he'd laugh while calling me a piggy with his off-putting wide mouth. I tried to mostly stay in my room and it seemed like neither of them cared.
School on Monday was a relief, but my anxiety ramped up. The consequences would be dire if Mother caught on that I was faking sick to stay home. I didn't even want to imagine how off the leash she'd let my half-brother become in his punishment for that level of insubordination.
I stayed up all night, my stomach was in knots, but I was committed to my plan. Throughout the night, I screamed as hard as I could into my pillow. Screamed until my throat was raw and I could barely talk. It felt cathartic in a way. When it was close to school time, I put on my heaviest flannel pajamas and began doing jumping jacks until my face was flushed and my scalp was soaked with sweat.
Looking in the bathroom mirror before heading down to talk to Mother, I thought I looked pretty convincing, my skin was flushed and sweaty, my eyes had circles under them from lack of sleep, and my voice croaked like a frog.
Heading downstairs, Mother was already feeding Thomas breakfast. I hesitantly stepped into the kitchen and stood there awkwardly for a second, pawing with my pajamas to keep my nerves steady until she noticed my presence and looked up.
“Why aren't you dressed, Julianne?"
"I don't feel well. My throat hurts and my tummy hurts.” My voice graveled out more than I was expecting, I really had hurt my throat.
She strode over to me and placed a cool hand on my sweaty brow.
"You do feel warm. Take an aspirin from the medicine cabinet and go lay back down. I'll check on you later," with that she turned back and walked over to Thomas, who was frozen in place, glaring at me over a forkful of scrambled eggs. The sharp glint of malice in his beady eyes made me shiver before I shuffled out of the kitchen.
I laid in bed, trying my best to look miserable until I eventually heard the faint sound of the television playing in the den as Thomas settled in for his normal daytime routine and the garage door opened as Mother headed to the grocery store. I bounded out of bed and watched the car back out of our driveway and head up the street.
My heart began to pound as I tiptoed down the hall to Mother's bedroom, a place I rarely even caught a glimpse of, let alone entered. I very slowly opened the door, taking great care to not make any noise to alert Thomas downstairs that I was out of bed.
Creeping into the butter yellow room, I could feel my heartbeat pounding in my skull, this was the naughtiest thing I had ever done by far. I stepped onto the rug to help disguise my footsteps and slowly made my way past the brass bed and towards her desk. My hands shook as I opened the top drawer, I pawed through rapidly and found nothing. I checked the next drawer down and again found nothing of interest, just stationary and envelopes.
Finally, the bottom drawer was what I was looking for, a stack of journals from the past decade. I flipped through, trying to find entries relevant to when Daddy died and who Mother slept with afterwards.
I've never fully recovered from what I read.
July 6, 1968
Edgar died today. Car accident. I cannot believe this is real. My light, my life, my anchor... Dr. Benson gave me a sedative at the hospital and I feel so tired. So very, very tired. Why has my Lord forsaken me so?
July 9, 1968
I feel like I am in a very bad dream, I feel numb and disconnected. All the consolation and pity from everyone makes me feel sick. After the memorial, it took everything in me to not break dishes and to scream at everyone to get out of my house. Julianne was moping about crying and I wanted to throw her out, too.
If I hadn't seen my dear Edgar's body in the hospital and held his urn in my own hands, I wouldn't believe he was really gone. I still don't entirely believe it.
I have prayed to God every night asking him to show me why he took my husband from me and I have gotten no answer.
I skimmed over the next few months, as it was more or less similar sentiments repeated night after night. I finally got to an entry that caught my eye.
September 17, 1968
My battle with my faith has been fraught the past few months, but Hallelujah! I feel I can see the Lord again in all his glory and might, for he has given me a way to reconnect to my Edgar!
I was thinking about the night Julianne was born, right in this very home, it was a difficult birth and she struggled to breathe at first. Ingrid, my midwife, made a comment to me that if the baby had failed to wake up on her own, that Ingrid had ways to make sure she would have made it.
I remember asking if it was a medical methodology and she made it clear to me that in certain circumstances, it was a mystical property she used to bring the air of life into a struggling baby's lungs. She gently alluded to being a practicing member of the dark arts. At the time, I felt quite scandalized to have someone like that in my God fearing home. Now I see her as the answer to my prayers! My angel!
On a whim, I called her and asked if she still practiced such techniques. She hesitantly confirmed that she did. I asked, if she could turn breath into the lungs of a child without, could she turn breath into a child that did not exist? Could she magick into existence another child of my beloved Edgar? She told me she had to do some research and she'd be back in touch.
Ingrid just called back after a few hours and said there was a spell she found, but it was dangerous and might have unpleasant results. I said, yes, of course! I trust my Lord and I believe he sent this woman of blessed magick to me for this purpose.
She says we will have to do it soon, in a few days during the new moon. She has a potion to brew, but it is happening! Praise God!
September 23, 1968
The ceremony was last night, and Ingrid believes it was a success, but we will have to wait. It did not take long, only an hour or two. Ingrid lit my bedroom with many beeswax candles and she had me drink a thick and bitter tea that caused me to become quite relaxed and foggy.
From my inner thigh, she cut me and collected my blood in a chalice, with which she mixed quite a lot of Edgar's ashes and other ingredients which I could not glean from my supine position and groggy wits. Ingrid began to chant, calling upon a higher power, as I pleaded with my Lord to let this work. To give me any piece of my Edgar back. She came to the bed and worked the paste between my legs into my womanly chamber, which was very uncomfortable, but manageable with the numbing effects of the tea.
She continued to sit with me and chant, her hand placed over my womb, until she decided at which time it was complete. She left and I fell into a deep sleep. When I woke up this morning, I felt quite uncomfortable, my body ached and when I used the restroom, a yellow fluid like pus poured out of me, but no sign of any ashes or blood, which gives me hope it was absorbed into my womb.
November 3, 1968
Praise be to our Lord, Ingrid just confirmed for me that I am with child, I had been hoping so, I had not gotten my cycle in October, but I wasn't sure if that was because of the discharge like pus that was still coming. She told me that was common with this spell and a side effect that would stop after the baby came.
I feel like I am floating on air, for the first time since Edgar left, I feel-
I suddenly became very aware of the feeling of eyes on the back of my head. I had become too engrossed in what was written before me and I had lost track of my surroundings. Very slowly, I turned around and my heart began pounding again as I saw Thomas standing in the doorway holding his wooden spoon in one hand. How had I not heard him?
He pointed at me with his empty hand and screamed, just a pure guttural screech from somewhere deep inside his disgusting little body. He charged at me from across the room, his horrible feet thumping solidly along the rug. He began beating my legs ruthlessly with the spoon, causing my legs to buckle. I crashed down to my knees in front of him, and he began lashing at my face, pulling my hair with one hand while wailing away at my head with the spoon.
I had dropped the journal I was holding and was desperately trying to get a hand on the spoon or push him away. All I could hear was him screaming. My arms flailed and I reached around on Mother's desk and grabbed onto the first thing I found and sank it into Thomas’ neck.
The end of Mother's gold letter opener protruded under his jaw. He went silent and he looked at me with utter shock. He dropped the spoon and collapsed on the ground, clutching at his neck as his thick black blood oozed out from his wound, letting out a stupendous odor of rot that filled the room. He didn't really say anything or make any noise. He just twitched for a moment and I saw his eyes glaze over.
In shock, I stood over his little body for a moment and I watched as he seemed to mummify in just a few minutes, like an ash person from Pompeii dressed in jeans and a flannel shirt. Even his blood that looked like shiny oil a second ago became like potting soil on Mother's rug. Reaching out to touch his hand, it crumbled away like sand.
Panic ran through me like a rabbit caught in a snare. Not knowing what to do, I ran. I ran down the hall, changed my clothes, put an extra change of clothes in my backpack and the last doll Daddy had ever given me and I ran. Mother would absolutely never forgive me and I was genuinely afraid she would kill me in retaliation for taking her beloved Thomas away from her. Her precious gift from God. My feet flew over the pavement and took me away from that house.
I called my Aunt Judy from a payphone outside the five & dime, and told her Mother had kicked me out and asked if I could stay with her. She had always had a strained relationship with my mother and it didn't take much convincing that she had kicked out her “only” child. Only Mother, Ingrid, and I ever knew about Thomas.
She gave me a home and took care of me. She never beat me or humiliated me. Even with her love, I was far from okay. For years I would close my eyes and hear Thomas scream, then the sudden silence. I'd see him fumbling at his neck and turning to ash. But I would also remember all the ways he would hurt me and how bad he was becoming. I could never talk to anyone about it, especially not the silent relief I felt I refused to admit to myself. Over time, however, Thomas' screams became a whisper and his silence faded into dust in my mind.
I moved on with my life. I went to college and became a photojournalist, getting to travel the world and watch history unfold. By choice, I never married, but was quite blessed with many beautiful friendships for companionship over the decades. I found balance in my life and a sense of happiness, if not peace. I never could quite stomach mashed potatoes again, though, they always taste ashy to me.
Mother never made any attempts to reach out to me or find me, at least that I'm aware of. Ten years ago, I was contacted by a hospital and they said my mother had been admitted earlier after falling and was about to pass, so she must have kept some tabs on me to know my phone number for her emergency contacts. Apparently she had collapsed in the driveway and a neighbor called an ambulance. I got there and her only words to me were, “take care of him," as she placed a locket in my hand. I opened the locket, Jesus was on one side, Thomas on the other. I didn't say anything to her, just held her frail old hand with nicotine stained nails until she passed in the night. My mother was gone and I felt nothing except a vague sense of relief.
When I got to her house, it was like a time capsule. Other than a newer television, it was just like it was when I'd fled so many years ago. The smell of tobacco smoke hung like incense in the air. It felt oppressive, like a tomb.
I wandered the house in a bit of a daze. The one place I didn't want to go was upstairs. I didn't want to see my old room, or Thomas' room, or Mother's. Putting it off, I went to fix myself some supper, realizing I hadn't eaten in almost a day. I took a pause when I opened the fridge and saw a baby bottle on a shelf. Silently praying she had been babysitting for a neighbor, I fixed myself some toast with sardines and sat eating in the den watching TV. It had been almost forty years and it still felt rebellious not eating at the table and watching TV without permission.
My eyes grew heavy and I finally mustered up the gumption to head upstairs to go to bed. The stairs creaked in a familiar way under my feet and I was taken back to the feeling of dread hearing either Mother or Thomas climbing up. My old room was at the top of the stairs, I saw the door was nailed shut and had rambling quotes about Judas copied from the Bible in my mother's handwriting taped to the door. I sighed gently and turned from the door to head down the hallway, deciding Mother's room was probably the best place to sleep.
I passed by Thomas’ toy room and I heard a murmur from the room. I stopped, curiosity got the best of me and I entered. In Thomas' old toy room was a crib with joyful clown sheets. Dread swelled up inside me as I heard more murmurs and saw the sheets move. Approaching slowly, I peaked under the sheet and gasped.
Tucked inside was what looked like a baby gargoyle, gray and papery looking. Pus leaked out of its milky, bulbous eyes. I pulled back the blanket and saw it had no legs and its arms bent back, like wings on a bird. It was wearing just a cloth diaper, overflowing with tarry looking stool that took my breath away with its pungency, it smelled like Thomas’ blood, but somehow worse. My heart broke for this poor creature, Lord only knows how many years it has been in this crib suffering from its unholy existence.
So this is who Mother had wanted me to take care of…
Not knowing what else to do, I gently scooped him up. Like Thomas, he was shockingly heavy for how small his body was. Placing him on the changing table, I cleaned him and rewrapped his bottom in a clean diaper cloth. It was difficult, he fussed tremendously, crying and flopping around as much as his flipper-like arms would allow. I tried wiping off his oozing eyes and he snapped his mouth, which I saw was full of disturbingly square yellow teeth, trying to bite me. I carried him to the kitchen and rocked him while I heated up his bottle and he became furious with me, almost barking like a dog when my hand would get near his face.
He settled a bit as he fed, but he would still sometimes suddenly spit out the bottle and attempt to bite me. I laid him back in his crib, this abomination in a clown sheet, and I walked down the hall to Mother's room letting out a long sigh.
Combing through my mother's journals in the early hours of the morning, it looked like she tried the ceremony again shortly after Thomas died, but she either lacked Ingrid’s help or didn't have enough of my father's ashes left. Something went terribly wrong. She was vaguer than she had been about Thomas’ conception, but I suspect she had used some of Thomas' remains. The resulting birth she named Isaac.
Mother's journals told a sad tale of her and Isaac's suffering. She never mentioned me, but lamented the loss of Thomas and Dad relentlessly. She was hyper protective of Isaac, as that was all she had left. If her world had been small before, it became microscopic after he entered her life, requiring nearly constant care. According to Mother, he was blind and colicky, sometimes going years at a time without sleeping through the night. She had breast fed him for years, but she had to stop after he grew teeth and began biting her intentionally and feeding on her blood.
I spent a lot of time over the next few days pondering what to do. I had to get her estate in order, she had left me the house, in an obvious attempt to get me to continue caretaking for Isaac, but I didn't want it. I had my own cozy home an hour away from here, filled with happy memories and my possessions acquired traveling the world. Mother's home had a heavy energy I couldn't shake. Her and Thomas were both gone, but the memories of the scoldings and beatings hung in every corner, like cobwebs that would never sweep away.
So, I fed Isaac and kept him clean and tried to keep him company, although he seemed to hate me passionately. I took care of him, all the while thinking about what I was going to do. After a week, I felt resolute in what had to be done.
Gathering up all of Mother's journals in a tote, I made my way to Isaac and picked him up and carried everything to the living room.
The ancient logs in the fireplace meant for display ignited instantly. One by one, I fed the journals into the fire, burning away years of my mother's consuming sorrow. Isaac fussed and moaned next to me the entire time. When the last pages shimmered away into lacy ash, I took a throw pillow off the couch and gently cradled Isaac in my other arm. It didn't take long before he stopped struggling and I felt his little body relax after decades of suffering.
I gently wrapped up a bundle in a clown sheet and placed it in the fire. It burned furiously, like the paper in my mother's journals, and was soon gone. Nothing but ashes and embers.
“Don't worry, Mother,” I said purely for my own sake, "I took care of Isaac for you."
And finally, I felt at peace.

So my ex and I broke up back in Jan and we were rocky on and off. The last time we spoke was a month ago and I thought we were on good terms as in friends
Unfortunately, few weeks ago the doctor found a cancer tumor in my breasts and its in stage 3, they wanted to do surgery to remove it effectively immediately. I haven’t told my ex because i was overwhelmed with everything.
The surgery is tomorrow and I had a life/death moment and I texted him the updates and how im having a surgery tomorrow. He replied saying, “oh you’re having a surgery. My prayers go out to you” and that’s not how he usually texts and that threw me off and i got really emotional and replied, “I really love you, Michael. Thank you for everything 🫶🏽” and then he replied, “Lol relax, youll be fine”
Im crying here so much. Idk if he seems cruel after everything we’ve been through or im just feeling very emotional
I didnt reply to his text and deleted his contact. The last text really hurts me. Its okay i have my family and friends who are here to support me
Any support is needed from strangers as well as my surgery is in 12 hrs 🥺

I had my yearly mammogram a couple months ago. I have dense breasts, so every year they usually order an ultrasound after the fact when they discover they can’t get good images.
I went to a new health system this year since I recently moved. Instead of coding the ultrasound as screening (since it wasn’t being done due to anything that was seen), they coded it diagnostic. This difference in coding has left me with an $800 insurance bill instead of it being completely covered. My former health system never coded the ultrasound diagnostic, and I never saw a bill from my insurance.
I have reached out to both the billing dept and my primary care doctor who ordered it. The primary asked for it to be audited and recoded, but the health system once again claim they coded it correctly. Additionally, the billing dept refuses to look at it again leaving me with a large bill.
Has anyone had a similar experience? What remedy (if any) do I have? I definitely won’t be going back there for any further testing. I should add that this is a well-respected teaching hospital in Chicago.

Hello everyone, I was hoping someone could have an explanation for something. I apologize ahead of time for sloppy formatting, I’m on mobile.
In December of 2022 I had an onset of random infections, a breast abscess (retroareola) in my left breast and an ear infection that spread to the mastoid bone of my right ear. —the infection of my eabone is still festering even after a partial mastoidectomy in July 2023, but that isn’t part of this question.—
Anyway, each time I had bloodwork done during these infections my WBC was completely normal. Even before being given antibiotics. The infection of my mastoid was so bad at one point I was hospitalized for four days. How can this be possible? Aren’t WBC supposed to be elevated during active infection?
I saw an immunologist who did a million blood tests and said they all came back normal, they could not figure out why I was in an “immunocompromised state” and are not even sure if that was the case for the infections.
About me:
31F, 5’2”, 208lbs
Medications:
-Motegrity 2mg -Zofran 8mg -Pantoprazole 40mg -Pristiq 100mg -Pregabalin 100mg -Probiotic -Vitamin D3 -Monthly B12 injections -Daily methylfolate/b12 tincture -Tylenol 1000-2000mg
Other dx conditions:
-Gastroparesis -Reflux esophagitis -Intestinal metaplasia -Chronic gastritis -Inflammatory bowel disease -Interstitial cystitis -Iron deficiency -B12 deficiency -PTSD -GAD
Other general symptoms I have that aren’t related: moderate to severe fatigue, trouble sleeping, trouble losing weight, and night sweats.
I also want to note that the breast abscess started after a lump in my armpit that has bothered me for years started getting more noticeable and aching randomly. I have asked every doctor I’ve seen about looking into it and all of them say it is just an “inflamed lymph node” and won’t do anything else about it. My mom even came with me to the doctor to explain how she had to have lymph nodes removed after a severe infection and that maybe that’s my issue and they refuse to listen. I now have lumps in my neck that I am getting an ultrasound on in two days.

Last September I (32f) had an intraductal papilloma removed from my right breast. It never healed fully and I continued to have pain and discharge. I kinda lived with that for about four or five more months--I had mental health problems and landed in the hospital, long story--and then when I consulted my surgeon he confirmed on exam that I had another tumor in there. He said it was the fastest he'd ever seen a patient develop a recurrence. Lucky me.
Anyway, he told me that for the pain and discharge to just keep the area clean and apply warm compresses. He told me there was a zero percent chance it was malignant and to just go for regular mammograms as necessary. I haven't since because I usually get my mammograms in September.
Two questions here:
1.) Anyone else had a pierced nipple with this condition? I really don't want to take it out, but it's kind of disgusting that it's always crusty from discharge and painful. I'm concerned about infections.
2.) Should I take what the doctor said at face value and just wait until my usual mammogram time, or has anyone else had this problem and think the symptoms merit an early trip to the breast center?
I don't really like to Google this condition because now that they're recurring Google likes to very thoughtfully remind me that I have an increased risk of cancer, which my aunt also had (not-BRCA, no known family mutations). Any advice is helpful. Thanks!

I did EASE expansion with Dr. Kasey Li. This is what my EASE experience has been like.
This is a pretty niche and long post, but I’ve been going through this expansion process as a 32 year old woman, going through my first week of expansion. I figured I’d share my experience as I know how much I was eating up these posts during my research. I also made a video that's a bit less detailed if that is more digestible.
Here is a breakdown of my experience day by day.
Day 0, Wednesday:
Had surgery at Stanford hospital and aside from a mild billing heart attack they gave me, it was a great experience. Kind, knowledgeable staff, great bedside manner. After surgery I woke up and could immediately breathe better. Nasal breathing feels like moving from a coffee straw to a regular size straw. Swallowing and talking were out of the question with the TPD in my mouth though. Took about 90 minutes to wake up and then I was released.
The first night was ROUGH. I maybe slept for 4 hours. Woke up repeatedly with bleeding. Finally stopped trying to sleep and reached out to Dr. Li at 6 am because my mouth was FULL of congealed blood.
Day 1, Thursday:
I was supposed to have my first follow up appointment on Friday, but due to the bleeding Dr Li came in bright and early at 6:30 am. He responded to my 6am text within 5 minutes and was like “How soon can you get to my office? I’ll be there”. We rushed over and he gave me some local anesthetic injections and cauterized the surgical site. He made sure I was very comfortable and that the bleeding had stopped before sending me home. The rest of the day went pretty smoothly. Swelling got much worse this day. Had to ice pretty much constantly to keep it down. Definitely uncomfortable but I had really good pain management.
Day 2, Friday:
Had my official follow up appointment and he turned the device for the first time. Turning was weird but not painful. Gave me some more injections as I had had a bit more bleeding on the opposite side. The swelling got intense this day. My cheeks were huge and hot and I was having a bit more jaw pain. Dr Li said my pain and swelling would peak around 48 hours and that was definitely the case. I just took my meds, rotated between ice and heat and overall had a smooth day with some bleeding again over night.
Day 3, Saturday:
Woke up with more (but far less) congealed blood in my mouth. Texted him at 9:20 AM to see what I should do and he texted back immediately saying meet me at the office at 10. Performed injections to stop the bleeding, cauterize, rinse and repeat. He sends me home. Still eating only a liquid diet. Still swollen. But not uncomfortable like it was. Not really icing much at this point, mostly focusing on heat, and feeling pretty human. Can go on walks and had a tiny bit of pasta (the most solid food I’ve had at this point). There is a tiny bit of bleeding at one point but it stops quickly and I go about my day pretty much normal and for the first time have no bleeding through the night!
Day 4, Sunday:
Slept great, no blood. Swelling still very present but going down. Was able to walk around, get around the city, virtually no jaw pain until about 4 pm when truly out of nowhere my incision site where the appliance is placed starts bleeding AGAIN. I quickly try to gently catch the blood by packing in gauze trying to stop the bleeding and avoid going into the office as it was Mother’s Day.
It bleeds through the gauze for 1.5 hours and I finally reach out to Dr. Li. He once again responds almost immediately and tells me I can come into the office or try and stop it, but that his preference is always to see patients in person. I try to get it to stop for about another hour with a couple false stops, but I’m unsuccessful yet again, so I make my way to the office where he meets me at almost 8:00 PM. He is very kind and understanding and just says “Shit happens, I’m there for my patients”.
He injects me, cauterizes it again, tells me I should stop talking advil as that can be an anticoagulant and is just very kind and understanding. I was supposed to have my second follow up on Monday morning, but he turns my device for me for the second time that night instead to try and avoid me having to go into the office again the next day. Turning is still uncomfy but not painful. He waits with me to make sure the site is stable, and then waits with me outside while wait for my ride.
Day 5, Monday:
Woke up with no blood in my mouth, swelling still going down. Pain levels very minimal. Breathing feeling smoother. My left TMJ (which I’ve had issues with in the past is more crackly and sore than usual, so I’m watching that carefully. So far so good. Just staying in bed and hoping to make it through the day/night with no bleeding.
Impressions so far:
I’ve had the most bleeding of any patient Li has had by far. Not totally sure what that’s about, and I’m sad I had to be the first, but the way he responds and handled my case made me SO HAPPY I just spent the money and went with him. No other doctor I've ever had has given me this level of care.
He is expensive, but he is worth EVERY penny because when you’re his patient, you feel like a priority. I traveled for the procedure (meaning 3 weeks away from home) and was really out of my element and comfort zone and had more complications than most of his previous patients (he said about 5% have repeat bleeding after surgery, but that the amount I had was an anomaly.)
My breathing is better, and will continue to improve as I expand. Even with the TPD device in that is taking up most of my palate, I have so. much. more. space for my tongue. It feels really good! My bite is weird now that my upper jaw is larger and that’s going to take some getting used to. And my TMJ is a bit sore.
Things to avoid week 1:
No straws. No vigorous exercise. No lifting over 10lbs. No hot foods/drinks. No hard/chewy foods. No nose blowing. I’d recommend staying away from herbs like garlic or ginger as they thin the blood I don't know if that was part of my problem, he said sometimes these things just happen and there was nothing I did wrong, but I'd just recommend staying away from any foods that can thin the blood and research them ahead of time. I'm vegan, and now I know that a lot of fruits/veg can thin the blood. So if you're veggie like me or try to eat a lot of "health foods" tread carefully. Have lots of gauze on hand.
Ask me anything. I'm here for another 1.5 weeks and am pretty bored. Happy so answer any questions about Dr. Li or EASE!

I did EASE expansion with Dr. Kasey Li. This is what my experience has been like.
This is a pretty niche post, but I’ve been going through this expansion process as a 32 year old woman, going through my first week of expansion. I figured I’d share my experience as I know how much I was eating up these posts during my research.
Here is a breakdown of my experience day by day.
Day 0, Wednesday:
Had surgery at Stanford hospital and aside from a mild billing heart attack they gave me, it was a great experience. Kind, knowledgeable staff, great bedside manner. After surgery I woke up and could immediately breathe better. Nasal breathing feels like moving from a coffee straw to a regular size straw. Swallowing and talking were out of the question with the TPD in my mouth though. Took about 90 minutes to wake up and then I was released.
The first night was ROUGH. I maybe slept for 4 hours. Woke up repeatedly with bleeding. Finally stopped trying to sleep and reached out to Dr. Li at 6 am because my mouth was FULL of congealed blood.
Day 1, Thursday:
I was supposed to have my first follow up appointment on Friday, but due to the bleeding Dr Li came in bright and early at 6:30 am. He responded to my 6am text within 5 minutes and was like “How soon can you get to my office? I’ll be there”. We rushed over and he gave me some local anesthetic injections and cauterized the surgical site. He made sure I was very comfortable and that the bleeding had stopped before sending me home. The rest of the day went pretty smoothly. Swelling got much worse this day. Had to ice pretty much constantly to keep it down. Definitely uncomfortable but I had really good pain management.
Day 2, Friday:
Had my official follow up appointment and he turned the device for the first time. Turning was weird but not painful. Gave me some more injections as I had had a bit more bleeding on the opposite side. The swelling got intense this day. My cheeks were huge and hot and I was having a bit more jaw pain. Dr Li said my pain and swelling would peak around 48 hours and that was definitely the case. I just took my meds, rotated between ice and heat and overall had a smooth day with some bleeding again over night.
Day 3, Saturday:
Woke up with more (but far less) congealed blood in my mouth. Texted him at 9:20 AM to see what I should do and he texted back immediately saying meet me at the office at 10. Performed injections to stop the bleeding, cauterize, rinse and repeat. He sends me home. Still eating only a liquid diet. Still swollen. But not uncomfortable like it was. Not really icing much at this point, mostly focusing on heat, and feeling pretty human. Can go on walks and had a tiny bit of pasta (the most solid food I’ve had at this point). There is a tiny bit of bleeding at one point but it stops quickly and I go about my day pretty much normal and for the first time have no bleeding through the night!
Day 4, Sunday:
Slept great, no blood. Swelling still very present but going down. Was able to walk around, get around the city, virtually no jaw pain until about 4 pm when truly out of nowhere my incision site where the appliance is placed starts bleeding AGAIN. I quickly try to gently catch the blood by packing in gauze trying to stop the bleeding and avoid going into the office as it was Mother’s Day.
It bleeds through the gauze for 1.5 hours and I finally reach out to Dr. Li. He once again responds almost immediately and tells me I can come into the office or try and stop it, but that his preference is always to see patients in person. I try to get it to stop for about another hour with a couple false stops, but I’m unsuccessful yet again, so I make my way to the office where he meets me at almost 8:00 PM. He is very kind and understanding and just says “Shit happens, I’m there for my patients”.
He injects me, cauterizes it again, tells me I should stop talking advil as that can be an anticoagulant and is just very kind and understanding. I was supposed to have my second follow up on Monday morning, but he turns my device for me for the second time that night instead to try and avoid me having to go into the office again the next day. Turning is still uncomfy but not painful. He waits with me to make sure the site is stable, and then waits with me outside while wait for my ride.
Day 5, Monday:
Woke up with no blood in my mouth, swelling still going down. Pain levels very minimal. Breathing feeling smoother. My left TMJ (which I’ve had issues with in the past is more crackly and sore than usual, so I’m watching that carefully. So far so good. Just staying in bed and hoping to make it through the day/night with no bleeding.
Impressions so far:
I’ve had the most bleeding of any patient Li has had by far. Not totally sure what that’s about, and I’m sad I had to be the first, but the way he responds and handled my case made me SO HAPPY I just spent the money and went with him. No other doctor I've ever had has given me this level of care.
He is expensive, but he is worth EVERY penny because when you’re his patient, you feel like a priority. I traveled for the procedure (meaning 3 weeks away from home) and was really out of my element and comfort zone and had more complications than most of his previous patients (he said about 5% have repeat bleeding after surgery, but that the amount I had was an anomaly.)
My breathing is better, and will continue to improve as I expand. Even with the TPD device in that is taking up most of my palate, I have so. much. more. space for my tongue. It feels really good! My bite is weird now that my upper jaw is larger and that’s going to take some getting used to. And my TMJ is a bit sore.
Things to avoid week 1:
No straws. No vigorous exercise. No lifting over 10lbs. No hot foods/drinks. No hard/chewy foods. No nose blowing. I’d recommend staying away from herbs like garlic or ginger as they thin the blood I don't know if that was part of my problem, he said sometimes these things just happen and there was nothing I did wrong, but I'd just recommend staying away from any foods that can thin the blood and research them ahead of time. I'm vegan, and now I know that a lot of fruits/veg/legumes can thin the blood. So if you're veggie like me or try to eat a lot of "health foods" tread carefully. Have lots of gauze on hand.
Ask me anything. I'm here for another 1.5 weeks and am pretty bored. Happy so answer any questions about Dr. Li or EASE!

I'm not sure what to even do about HS anymore. I've seen some dermatologists, but none of the treatments I've received have been effective in keeping this disease under control. I still use Hibiclens for boils/cysts and PanOxyl for blackheads in my groin region, but now for the first time I started to see a boil slowly forming on my breast. I think my flares have been increasing lately due to sweating from exercising and my periods.
I've also been in physical therapy for about a couple weeks because I have patellofemoral pain syndrome with my left knee. The exercises I try to do cause me to sweat a lot because I'm out of shape and a little bit overweight. I'm scared of my future because of this knee pain because I still need to find work and it might get in the way of working whenever I find a job.
On top of all that I'm losing my parent's health insurance because I'm turning 26 in a month and a half. I still live with them, and they help with pay for doctors appointments. I'm stressed about feeling like a financial burden to my parents because I have so many issues.
I'm not sure why I'm even complaining about this because it just won't change anything. I feel so helpless. I have no idea what to do. Even if I had insurance, I feel like finding a new dermatologist won't be helpful because they'll just give me the same useless clindamycin over and over again and dismiss the fact that I would say it just doesn't work for me at all. Scared of laser hair removal for my groin because my hair is the only thing that makes my scars less visible. Also who knows how laser hair removal could damage my skin because I'm black and make it worse if I get the wrong person to do the job.
I'm just so scared as hell because I'm already depressed and passively suicidal about other parts of my life. I already have therapist, but I need a new one soon because of the health insurance problem. I just feel really stuck and my thoughts of death are getting stronger. I'm just so screwed.

Load order

FalloutNV.esm
DeadMoney.esm
HonestHearts.esm
OldWorldBlues.esm
LonesomeRoad.esm
GunRunnersArsenal.esm
Fallout3.esm
Anchorage.esm
ThePitt.esm
BrokenSteel.esm
PointLookout.esm
Zeta.esm
CaravanPack.esm
ClassicPack.esm
MercenaryPack.esm
TribalPack.esm
NavmeshOverhaul.esm
TaleOfTwoWastelands.esm
YUPTTW.esm
Vanilla Enhancements.esm
Main And Pause Menus Overhaul.esm
Uncut Wasteland.esp
Rebuild the Capital.esm
Functional Post Game Ending.esm
TTW Reputations.esm
MoreMojave.esm
SSTIndustrializedSloan.esm
TLD_Travelers.esm
AWorldOfPainFO3.esm
Regulators.esm
SSTGroundedRangerStationCharlie.esm
A World of Pain Revised.esm
Sweet Pain NV.esm
A Trail of Crumbs.esm
TTW New Vegas Speech Checks.esm
Home and Safehouse Tweaks.esm
mil.esp
Functional Post Game Ending - TTW Patch.esm
TweaksTTW.esm
Tactapack.esp
mil_Add-On.esp
Bad Touch.esm
[RWM]-Complete.esm
RtC-Hotpatch.esm
DYNAVISION 3.esm
Home and Safehouse Tweaks - TTW Addon.esm
Impostors and LOD Flicker Fix.esp
TTW FaceGen Fix.esp
MigSpeedFix.esp
The Mod Configuration Menu.esp
Vanilla UI Plus.esp
FOVSlider.esp
Power Armor Holo Panel.esp
PipBoyUITweaks.esp
ItemCards.esp
3DGrenadeIndicator.esp
QuickSelect.esp
JustAssortedMods.esp
TTW Ultimate Invisible Wall Remover.esp
TTW Dialogue and Interactions Expansion Overhaul.esp
Root 'n Loot.esp
Casino Exchange All.esp
Rebuild the Capital - No Pony Express Boxes.esp
TTWZetaRewards.esp
JIP Companions Command & Control.esp
MigArmorDegen.esp
WeaponRequirementSystem.esp
ImmersiveRecoil.esp
DynamicWeaponSpread.esp
DWS_JAM_patch.esp
Reload Reloaded.esp
DynamicDetectionSystem.esp
Supplemental Ammo Crafting.esp
Enhanced Movement.esp
S6S Perks.esp
ATMOS Ambient Overhaul.esp
New Blood.esp
S6S Base Game Perks Redux.esp
S6S Base Game Perks Redux TTW Side.esp
Friends With Benefits Perk Pack.esp
SP TTW Patch.esp
MMAWOP Patch.esp
GRA Scavenger Hunt Balanced NVSE.esp
Titans of The New West.esp
Titans of The New West - Power Armor Sprint JAM.esp
S6S Ingestibles NO DLC.esp
SSTMojaveOutpostSecurityBooths.esp
AfterglowNeonIllumination.esp
Aid Addon.esp
AK112.esp
B42Dropmag.esp
B42Inspect.esp
B42Bash.esp
B42Descriptions.esp
Player Headtracking.esp
B42Inertia.esp
B42Retrievables.esp
B42 RWMS.esp
New Blood TTW Patch.esp
Natural Interior.esp
TestHK33.esp
NVRA - Uzi.esp
M1C.esp
LaserRifleReplacer.esp
127 SMG Rebirth.esp
JSRS.esp
CharacterKitRemake-Hair.esp
Interior Rain.esp
Interior Rain - TTW.esp
CharacterKitRemakeHHandsFix.esp
RtC-RootnLoot.esp
RtC-TrailofCrumbs.esp
NewVegasQuickStart.esp
JustHitMarker.esp
JustHitIndicator.esp
JustHoldBreath.esp
JustLootMenu.esp
JustBulletTime.esp
JustDynamicCrosshair.esp
Casino Bets - Jackpot Limit and Chips Exchange v1.2.esp
10YearPack.esp
T60Pistol.esp
GhoulPistol.esp
dD - R.B.E.T Main NV.esp
dD - Enhanced Blood Main NV.esp
MCPipBoy2000MK6_clock.esp
HeadShotSplatter.esp
Atmospheric Lighting Tweaks TTW.esp
ATMOS Ambient Overhaul Patch - Atmospheric Lighting Tweaks.esp
FNVLODGen.esp
DNWeathers.esp
RTC-DNWeathers.esp
NeutralWeathers_TTW.esp
Realism Redux.esp
Mod list
+DYNAVISION 3 - Total Visual Enhancement
-Dusty Distance Redone
+Desert Natural Realism - Redux
+Blood Trails - ESPLess
+FNVLODGen
+OneTweak for FNV
+The Mod Configuration Menu-Quickfix
+Neutral Weathers - DNW for NVR - NV - TTW
+New Vegas Quick Start
+Natural Interiors
+3D Rain
+Interior Rain
+Interior Rain-Main
+Longer Weather Transitions ESPless
+Simple Total Fog Remover - NVSE
+NillaPlus MIRROR MIRROR 4K 2K 1K
+Real Time Reflections - NVSE
+Atmospheric Lighting Tweaks (Interior Lighting for FNV and TTW)
+Flags HD
+Desert Natural Weathers - NV - TTW
+NillaPlus Crate Expectations 4K (large metal shipping containers)
+NillaPlus Howitz Started--Howitz Going 4K (Nellis artillery)
+NV Compatibility Skeleton
+Fabulous New Vegas-Smile
+Fabulous New Vegas
+10 Year Anniversary Celebration Pack
+Red Rock Canyon Sign HD retexture
+Feral Ghoul Retexture by Koldorn
+Super Mutants HD - 4k Retextures
+TTW Billboards Upscaled Pretty Good HD
+Billboards HD Remade
+NewVegasReloaded
+HQ Freeside Shop Signs
+Goodsprings Sign
+Cottonwood Cove Sign
+Medical Clinic sign
+Strip and Freeside Signs HD Overhaul
-Signs HD - Honest Hearts
+UTI (Upscaled Texture Improvement) - Old World Blues DLC
+UTI (Upscaled Texture Improvement) - Honest Hearts DLC
+UTI (Upscaled Texture Improvement) - Gun Runner's Arsenal DLC
+UTI (Upscaled Texture Improvement) - Lonesome Road DLC
+UTI (Upscaled Texture Improvement) - DLC Projectiles
+UTI (Upscaled Texture Improvement) - Projectiles
+Headshot Splatter
+Explosions Ignore Line of Sight - ESPless
+EXE - Effect teXtures Enhanced
+ETJ Realistic Enhanced Blood Textures
+Enhanced Blood Textures for NV v2_22c
+UTI (Upscaled Texture Improvement) - Decals and Impacts
+Rivet City Signs HD (TTW)
+Paradise Falls HD (TTW)
+Megaton Signs HD (TTW)
+Sunset Sarsaparilla HD
+Hoover Dam Signs HD
+HD Signs Overhaul - Part 3
+HD Signs Overhaul - Part 2
+Street Signs HD Overhaul
+HQ Upscaled posters - Part 2
+Posters HD Remade
+Various Signs HD
+Casino Posters and Signs HD
+Robots HD
+Creatures HD
+Blue metal door retexture
+NillaPlus Wood (Please be mature in the comme
+Honest Barks (new bark textures for maple cedar mesquite and burnt trees)
+Random Stuff HD
+Unique Journals
+Unique Books
+NillaPlus Rebar McEntire (4K 2K 1K)
+Afterglow -- Neon illumination
+TTW - Megaton Signs Redone
+FNV TTW AIO - Interface Upscaled
+White Horsenettle HD
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+Broc Flower HD
+Xander Root HD
+Vanilla Graffiti Redone
+Great Khans Graffiti Redone
+FNV-TTW Graffiti Redone
+NillaPlus Vault Doors 4K (FNV - TTW)
-Legacy Reborn - Quality Edition
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+Impostors and LOD Flicker Fix
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+Mobile Pip-Boy Light - NVSE
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-Visuals_separator
-ExRB - Extended Roombounds
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+TTW Ultimate Invisible Wall Remover
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-Optimizations_separator
+Aid Addon - Medkits - Blood Draw - Bandages - Afterburner Gum - More
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+Sweet Consumables
-Hardcore_separator
+HQ Ranger Hat
+Titans of The New West
+Lily Outfit HD
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-Armor_separator
+New Vegas Animation Overhaul Guns
+M1 Carbine (KNVSE)
+FNV Clean Animations - Auto-Axe
+FNV Clean Animation Sets - Laser Rifle
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+FNV Clean Animations - Grenades Pack
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+FNV Clean Animations - Throwing Weapons Pack
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+FNV Clean Animations - Fat Man
+FNV Clean Animations - Grenade Rifle Redux
+FNV Clean Animations - Alien Disintegrator
+FNV Clean Animations - Grenade APW
+FNV Clean Animations - Incinerator
+FNV Clean Animations - Rock-It Launcher
+FNV Clean Animations - Missile Launcher
+Butcher Pete Complete - A Melee Animation Overhaul
+Wasteland Warrior - A Melee Animation Overhaul
+Laser Pistol 3rd Person Latch animation fix
+Grenade Launcher - 3rd person bug fix
+No Reload Cancelling
+Hit - Anti-Materiel Rifle Anim Set
+Hit - B42 Interact Skinning-Human
+Hit - B42 Interact Skinning
+B42 Weapon Inertia
+Retrievable Throwables Reforged
+MadAce's Ragdoll compatibility patch
+Player Headtracking
+B42 Melee Bash
+B42 Inspect - aka Animated Ammo and Weapon Condition Checking
+B42 Dropmag and One in the chamber
+B42 Inject - Animated Item Use - ESPless
+B42 Optics - ESPless
+WAP B42 Optics Patch
+B42 Loot - Animated Physical Item Pickup - ESPless
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-Animations_separator
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+Fallout TV - The Ghoul's Handcannon
+WAP Year One and Bonus
+Laser Rifle Rebirth
+WAP 12.7 SMG Rebirth-4k
+WAP 12.7 SMG Rebirth-Reticle Fix
+WAP 12.7 SMG Rebirth
+WAP Lever Action Shotgun-4k
+WAP Lever Action Shotgun
+WAP F4NV Recharger Weaponry-4k
+WAP F4NV Recharger Weaponry
+WAP Single Shotgun-4k
+WAP Single Shotgun
+WAP 12.7MM Pistol-4k
+WAP 12.7MM Pistol
+WAP Grenade Launchers
+WAP F4NV Laser Pistol and Pew-Pew-4k
+WAP F4NV Laser Pistol and Pew-Pew
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+WAP Laser RCW
+DKS and Friends
+WAP - F4NV .44 Magnum Weaponsmith
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+WAP - F4NV .44 Magnum
+WAP Bozar and LMG
+WAP Year One and Bonus-4k
+Tactapack
+Another Millenia
+Another Millenia Gun Add-on
+T60P - Power Armor Sidearm-NVAO patch
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+Classic AK-112 - The Adytum Rifle
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+NVRA - M1 Carbine
-Weapons_separator
+B42 Descriptions aka Pip-Info
+Character Kit Remake - Teeth
+Improved Vanilla Male Body
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+Improved Vanilla Male Body - Seamless - 4k-f3
+Character Kit Remake - Hands-IVMB
+Character Kit Remake - Hair
-Character Kit Remake
-Character Kit Remake TTW Facegen
-Character Kit Remake - Uncompressed Faces
-Character Kit Remake-IVMB
-Character Kit Remake Facegen Patches For Many Mods-The Living Desert
-Character Kit Remake Facegen Patches For Many Mods-Uncut NV
-Character Kit Remake Facegen Patches For Many Mods-Sweetpain
-Character Kit Remake Facegen Patches For Many Mods-MoreMojave
-TTW Character Kit Remake Facegen Patches For Many Mods-Rebuild The Capital
-Character Kit Remake Facegen Patches For Many Mods-FPGE
-Character Kit Remake Facegen Patches For Many Mods-EVE
-Character Kit Remake Facegen Patches For Many Mods-AWOLP
-TTW Character Kit Remake Facegen Patches For Many Mods-The Regulators
-TTW Character Kit Remake Facegen Patches For Many Mods-A Trail of Crumbs
+IHWT - Improved Heavy Weapons Textures
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+TTW (D.I.E.O.) Dialogue and Interactions Expansion Overhaul
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+TTW A Trail of Crumbs
-TTW - Wasteland Supplements-Uncut Extra Collection
+TTW - Wasteland Supplements-Uncut Wasteland
+Rebuild the Capital - A Brotherhood of Steel Expansion Mod TTW Edition-Hotpatch
+Rebuild the Capital
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+MoreMojave
+Sweet Pain NV-TTW Patch
+Sweet Pain NV
+Improved Security Booths
+Grounded Ranger Station Charlie
+Industrialized Sloan
+A World of (Less) Pain - A Lore Friendly AWOP Revision
+TTW A World of Pain for Fallout 3-JIP CCC Avatar
+TTW A World of Pain for Fallout 3
+Uncut Wasteland
+The Living Desert - Travelers Patrols Consequences Increased Population and more
+Functional Post Game Ending
+Content_separator
+Realtime Weapon Modding System
+Essential Vanilla Enhancements Merged
+Higher Casino Bets - Jackpot Limit and Chips Exchange
+Friends With Benefits Perk Pack
+Sweet Perk Overhaul
+Sweet 6 Shooter Perks - TTW - NV
+Enhanced Movement
+Enhanced Movement-Ini
+New Vegas - Enhanced Camera
+Supplemental Ammo Crafting
+Combat Enhancer Updated
+Sweet Dynamic Detection System
+Weapon Jamming Tweaks - ESPless
+Reload Reloaded
+Dynamic Weapon Spread 2.0-JAM Patch
+Dynamic Weapon Spread 2.0
+Immersive Recoil 2.0
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+Real Weapon Mods 2
+ADO - Armor Damage Overhaul
+Home and Safehouse Tweaks
+Perk Styled CCC Icons
+JIP Companions Command and Control
+TTW - Mothership Zeta Rewards
+TTW New Vegas Speech Checks
+TTW Reputations
+TTW Merchant Supply Expansion-Flak
+TTW Merchant Supply Expansion
+Hardcore Perk Every Level
+TTW - Wasteland Supplements-Tweaks for TTW
+TTW - Wasteland Supplements-MAPMO
+Casino Exchange All
+Better Caravan
+Root 'n Loot TTW
+Tweaks for TTW
-Gameplay_separator
-Radiation Visuals
+Drowning Visuals - ESPless
+Quick Select - A Zelda BOTW Style Quick Menu
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+Item Cards
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+Simple Maps
+TTW Goodies
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+Consistent Pip-Boy Icons v5 - Extension
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+Consistent Pip-Boy Icons v5 - DLC's Items
+Consistent Pip-Boy Icons v5 - Apparel
+Consistent Pip-Boy Icons v5 - Framework Plugin
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-3rd Person Camera Overhaul
+High Resolution Screens
+Vanilla Fonts Revisited
+Recent Loot Log - ESPless
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+Cursor Unilaterally Matched (NVSE)
+Clean Vanilla Hud
+Simple Power Armor HUD
+FOV Slider
+Sleep Wait Hardcore Needs
-Scum's Considerably Cute Corner Load Wheel
+Main Menu Redone - TTW
+ySI - Pick Up Prompts
+ySI - Sorting Ycons
+yUI - User Ynterface
+Vanilla UI Plus (New Vegas)
+The Mod Configuration Menu
-User Interface & HUD_separator
+Hit - Millenia Animations - Part 2
+zlib Updated - NVSE
+Weapon Mod Description Fix (TTW)
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+Vent Lighting Fix
+Swimming Creatures Fix - ESPless
+PipBoyOn Node Fixes
+Pip-Boy Shading Fix NVSE
+Muzzle Flash Light Fix - NVSE
+Mostly Fixed FaceGen Tints (NV or TTW)
+MoonlightNVSE
+Improved Lighting Shaders
+High Resolution Water Fog - Water Aliasing Fix
+High Resolution Bloom NVSE
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+Depth of Field Fix - NVSE
+ActorCause Save Bloat Fix
+ISControl Enabler and Ironsights adjuster (now ESPless)
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+Smooth True Iron Sights Camera
+VATS Lag Fix
+Combat Lag Fix (NVSE)
+Bad Touch NVSE
+Aqua Performa - Strip Performance Fix
+lStewieAl's Engine Optimizations
+Stewie Tweaks Essentials INI
+lStewieAl's Tweaks and Engine Fixes
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-Collision Meshes-FNV
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-Bug Fixes_separator
+Cloud Upgrade NVSE
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+Console Paste Support
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+Yvile's Crash Logger
+FNV Mod Limit Fix
+UIO - User Interface Organizer
+kNVSE Animation Plugin
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+NVTF - INI Presets
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+AnhNVSE
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+ShowOff xNVSE Plugin
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+JIP LN NVSE Plugin
+Weapon Hotkey Icons
+ROOGNVSE Plugin
+JIP LN NVSE Plugin-Settings
-Utilities_separator
+Fixed ESMs
*DLC: CaravanPack
*DLC: ClassicPack
*DLC: DeadMoney
*DLC: GunRunnersArsenal
*DLC: HonestHearts
*DLC: LonesomeRoad
*DLC: MercenaryPack
*DLC: OldWorldBlues
*DLC: TribalPack

I thought I’d come to this thread and maybe find others that were once in my situation or currently in my situation.
As the title says I am an obese woman (330 lbs). I have to accept that if I do not change something soon then it will only get harder as I get older (currently 25F). I want children and I want to be able to keep up with those children.
I think what currently is holding me back is in my grade school days from 6th-12th I used to do wrestling. Whenever I go into a “losing” weight mode I act like I’m back in that time which is an extremely restricted diet. I would allow myself only toast or oatmeal for breakfast (most times I would skip breakfast), drink water throughout the whole day and a granola bar for lunch and for dinner it would be a lightly season chicken breast on top of a salad. Back then this was much easier to maintain but now I will keep this up for a day or two before I raid my whole kitchen. I understand this is disordered eating but I feel like it’s the only way I’ve ever known how to lose weight. It’s hard to find where to start, currently the only small goal I maintain is no drinking soda (still working on cutting back sugar in my coffee) and even still I’m just disappointed and find myself thinking “what’s the point?”
I’m not really looking for an answer or a “fix it all” to my weight losing issue, I just don’t know what are reasonable small goals to pursue, how do I identify dieting vs starving myself. I find myself being so focused on not eating vs the things I am actually eating (processed vs fresh).
I used to do weight watchers at 12/13 and I remember losing 5-7 lbs a week and now I cheer for 1-2 lbs every other week. I guess I just need to change my mind set but it’s hard.
EDIT: I want it to be known that im not looking for medical advice, I have a dietician and have been using my own medical team as a resource. I think I just wanted to vent honestly. I keep dogging on myself in private and it’s just a vicious cycle. I have a therapist of 5 years and a lovely doctor. I am just trying to make note of my feelings, I harbor things internally to a point they boil over, using journals and social media has just been a way of releasing these feelings, even with therapy it’s weird how the mind can work when trying to regulate feelings.
Thanks for all the advice and kind words. I am really hoping this is the start of a new journey, I will continue to only learn more and more about myself :)

Hello fellow breast feeding mamas/parents!
My newborn girl has me a bit concerned. I’ve been able to smell her urine as soon as she pees. I’m concerned about dehydration/UTI. She seems to be having more wet diapers as well and gets worked up to the point that only feeding her will calm her. At her 1.5 week dr appt she already gained back her birth weight and then some more.
She’s been cluster feeding pretty much every day. I think I have a fast let down because she’s often gasping for air and needs to take a break or coughs. I’ve been trying different positions to help with the let down but she is ferocious for the boob lol
We had to get Pampers pure diapers a few days ago because target was out of honest and I read that sometimes pampers/huggies give off a stronger pee smell for whatever reason. I’m really hoping that’s the reason. She’s just been so much fussier the past couple days and I don’t know if it’s just normal newborn fuss or I’m in pain fuss.
We also were concerned that she was having belly aches because of the fussiness. Seemed to come on strong right before letting rip poop and pee after poop and pee.
I’m going to call her doctor tomorrow, but I just needed to vent and see if anyone had experienced anything similar before. Thanks for listening.

Hello! Please, whoever has the patience to read would help me enormously, as I have been suffering for 7 months. Sorry for bad english!!! I'm only 18 years old, I don't want my life to end or be like this. I had my first panic attacks around October 2023. I didn't know how they felt, I had them from calcium drops but they manifested differently. I went to the psychiatrist where I received Serlift 0.5 mg per day, but after 5 weeks I abandoned them because I could hardly tolerate them, I had nausea, constantly dilated pupils, imbalance, etc. On top of that, I also had swallowing difficulties which were quite rare but became more and more frequent. In December, I had already reached the point where I could no longer swallow solid food, and in January (2024) I started not being able to feed myself even with mashed things, purees, etc. I was eating somewhere around 2-3 teaspoons of soup per hour, somewhere around 2 bowls of clear soup. I went to a gastroenterologist where they did a digestive endoscopy, without a biopsy, and there was a wound caused by acid on the esophagus at the bottom, so their diagnosis was reflux + a hiatal hernia. I received treatment with Nexium (one pill in the morning) but I did not feel any improvement. At the same time, I went to the ENT because I felt like I couldn't breathe and they said that I have hypertrophic chronic rhinitis, which doesn't go away, so if it continues like this I will have to have laser surgery, it's quite an easy operation and minimally invasive, but they are worried back the nasal turbinates. The difficulty in swallowing decreased for a while, but it appeared again, stronger that I could not even swallow saliva and water without drowning. I then went to the doctor in Cluj where they redid my endoscopy and manometry. The manometry came out normal, but at the endoscopy, this time with a biopsy, I had reflux esophagitis. I received nexium treatment in the morning and in the evening and in addition to that I also did acupuncture and everything is almost back to normal, I still have a difficulty with bakery products and with seeds, meat. Rather, the problem remained that I feel how it slowly flows down my throat, but it's ok. During the investigations I went to the lungs and the heart. They discovered adult asthma in my lungs (I didn't have asthma as a child but I had many pneumonias) and since then I received treatment with foster and an antihistamine in the evening (Aerius). I felt that I was breathing hard (that I was inhaling hard), but I quickly understood that this is also anxiety, because many times my oxygenation was good. I haven't given up smoking since I have asthma, I've reduced it but now I want to quit because I feel that it's hard to EXPIRE the air outside, or I feel that when I want to inhale, I exhale. Or when I exhale deeply forcefully (because I have to force myself) I feel a pressing pain like a punch between the chest and the neck but rather towards the neck. The therapist said that these are NOT signs of anxiety, but the doctor I go to knows my problems with anxiety and often leaves it to her. I went to the heart because I had low blood pressure, but I also had anemia and that was also a cause (I have a very white face and palms). He said it could be a sinus tachycardia. But more recently, I feel as if my left breast is trembling or aching. The problem with breathing worries me the most, I'm afraid that there might be some hidden pneumonia. I had lung x-rays almost 2 months ago, but then I did NOT have those symptoms. I'm not saying that it's not possible for something to have appeared in such a short time? I keep thinking why do I have these moods? The therapist says that she does NOT think it's anxiety because even in the neurofeedbeek device (the one that measures the stress delta wave) I have low waves after the therapy. I don't want to feel like this anymore, I want to live my life because I don't have any worries or stress. If this time too everything looks good on x-rays and ultrasounds, what tests should I do? What lack of minerals/vitamins or what deficiency can cause such ugly conditions? Note: I think I know how to explain batter. I feel like i keep the CO2 in my lung instead of letting it go out.

I’m based in the UK and have been referred to the 2 week breast cancer referral program to find out if I have it or not. For context, I have had an awful patch of eczema on my nipple for 2 years and it changed very recently and I had a really bad infection. I’ve tried steroids and creams to heal it but nothings changing. The doctor is concerned and wants to make sure it’s not cancer. However, since being told she thinks it is and wants it testing, all I can think about are eventualities, contingency plans, what to do for my kids, how to support my husband, what I should put in place if it is that outcome. It’s all I can think about. But I can’t focus on it properly and it matters to me that I have this sort of thing prepared, even if it’s negative, I just want to prepare in case (god forbid) it happens in the future to either myself or my husband. So with that being said, does anyone have any advice for me? What should I be doing with planning and prepping for what may or may not come?

22f. 150lbs 5’4 medications: lexapro. the last 3 weeks have been hell to say the least. it started out with joint aches in my lower legs, then went to a back ache and turned into hot flashes and dizziness. I thought i was coming down with something but i went to the er (april 19th) 4 days after it all started and got a flu and covid test. as well as urine and blood tests. everything came back normal including kidneys, wbc, and liver. i got out of the er in two hours and was given tylenol. my aches continued and i went to my doctor the following tuesday. (april 23rd) and i explained everything going on, ive been completely stressed out about something else so maybe thats what caused all of this. i tend to vape more when im stressed out and was told im going through a nicotine overdose. i was then put on lexapro and given anti nausea meds for the dizziness. ever since that day i have not been dizzy. magically disappeared. i started to feel better a couple days after, however the past week ive been having pains in my entire body. i can mostly feel it when im laying down. my left side hurts and my lower back feels like something is pressing on it. ive been having diarrhea, tingling feet and hands, all over body aches, muscle spasms. when i lay down it feels like something is moving around on my sides and they tingle. my body aches are on my shoulders, lower legs, wrists, knees, feet, fingers, breasts occasionally. its mainly when im laying down, if im walking around or standing i feel nothing basically. i have an appetite, im not more tired than normal, not losing weight, no fever. nothing is swollen but i cant tell if its bone or joint pain at this point. i dont know what to do. im convinced i have the c word. im afraid im slowly dying, my anxiety is to the max. do i book a sooner appointment with my doctor? or go to a different er? i have another doctors appt in june and get a blood test a week before. do i wait?