So the day before Mother's Day, my husband (M34) tells me (F35) we are going to do a day trip with our toddler (age 4) to local city and I am so excited but I realize I am also so behind in house chores due to my stressful job and lack of consistent help from my husband.
So I tell him thank you but no trip and that we need to stay home and clean. He says he needs to leave that morning which I already know means he is going to go get flowers. So I offer to make breakfast because I woke up in a great mood.
He comes home with flowers in okay condition, some are wilted and gives me a sweater that he says I asked him to buy me for Mother's Day which I do love the sweater.
So I make pancakes for the family, pancakes with bananas, peanut butter drizzle and whipped cream and I don't have any due to dieting.
My husband asks me what the plans are today and I said I would love for us to get some things done around the house, he has had the ladder out for a couple days so I asked him to take down the Christmas decorations and pick up and also put ladder away and watch our toddler because I would be upstairs with the power tools dismantling our shelves to add in some different shelving and organizing the closet.
All the while I am talking he is working on a 3d print for his friends birthday in a few days.
I go upstairs and 30 minutes in, my toddler is climbing on me and I wait for my husband to collect him and... nothing
So I figure maybe he sent him because ladder plus toddler is not the best combo so I put the power tool away and just organize clothes and he never comes back up to get him, so I call him and he goes "oh yeah just send him down" and I ask if he can just come and get him and he does.
So two hours pass and I go downstairs to check on them and ask about lunch for them and they are watching TV and nothing is done, no dishes from this morning cleaned, no Xmas decorations taken down and I make my toddler a snack and go back upstairs to calm down before calling my husband and asked him why he hasn't cleaned. He said because he thought we stayed home so I could clean and not him. And alI I am doing is working on a room, we don't even use (It's a walk in closet in our bedroom)
I reminded him I said we and asked him to do several things this morning which he said "Oh, I thought that was something you asked me to do a couple weeks ago"
At this point I am just disappointed with the day and over it.
He does do the dishes, takes down the Xmas decorations and cleaned up and now we have to go see my family for dinner which I do not want to because they are very blunt and will want to know why I am such a sad state.
Luckily the toddler falls asleep in the car, so I have the great idea after we find out he is asleep to just give gifts since we are already hour late for dinner and leave and pick up food for the toddler after.
So I drop off the gifts, we leave to go another place to order food and I asked my husband if he can go in and get food and he says no and I ask him he wants anything and he says "No just go just go " I told him I rather not because it's very rude for him to rush me to leave and he says he was only doing that because he had to sneeze....okay....so I said "Just go home please, we can make something there"
So now he is pissy and accuses me of using him as a taxi driver and I just go off...
"This is supposed to be Mother's Day, the one day you treat me special and loved and show me you appreciate me. You got me some wilted flowers and a sweater. Thank you but it's Day, not two gifts Mother stuff"
Now he is pissed and saying I am ungrateful and he shouldn't have gotten me shit and I am the problem and I don't do shit for him. All day he watched our son and cleaned. He also said he didn't know how to make me feel special.
He normally does not curse at me so I said this not you talking. This your dad talking to your mother. (Not my best moment and I will admit it)
Welp that got him all riled up and we didn't talk the rest of the night or next day.
When I finally said I was still upset about yesterday, he goes "Of course, you are." and walks away.
When we finally do talk, he says that he was offended I would rather stay home then do his idea of a day trip to local city and I said the flowers were wilted and he got me a sweater and he cleaned after I told him too. He also said he felt ignored and like I didn't wanna hang out with him because I was organizing the closet. He said he felt unloved.
So am I the asshole?
Quick Q&A
Married for 12 years and together for 15 years
We have had issues with all holidays but even more since our son was born so couple years ago I gave him a list of my likes, links to things to do for your wife for birthday,and things you can do for free to make your spouse happy (he makes six figures but I think gifts can be acts of service as well) but he still says he doesn't know how
We are currently in couples therapy but he seems to try to manipulate the sessions?
Example, he wanted to go on a trip to buy video games stuff and we had already gone out of town the day before to buy video games stuff so I said Our grass at both houses need to be mowed, I think that needs our attention and if he isn't something he can do the he needs to hire help to which he replied That why can't I help him and I don't do anything to help him ever but to the therapist he goes oh I just didn't wanna do the lawn because it had rain the day before and the grass was wet and it was early. I asked him why he wasn't able to tell me that in the moment or revisit for the whole week and half after because I didn't know that and he was still able to mow later that day but only one house. He said he didn't know why he didn't tell me and it was dumb to argue about the lawn but I said the lawn is just a symptom of the greater issue which is lack of communication on both of our parts
Fathers Day and Birthday I used to go all out but I realized I wasn't getting the same energy so I stopped 1st Father Day I asked him what he wanted to do and he said spend the day together I got him and our son matching shirts, classic car pint glasses, socks with our son's face on them, a photo book of them of the photos during the year of them I had taken and I made this favorite foods all day 2nd Father's Day I asked him what he wanted to do and he was spend the day together but he had to work so when he got home from work, I had his favorite pizza, favorite pop, matching shirts with our son, pizza cutter and pizza pan because he had mentioned we didn't have one and photo album of pictures from the last year of him and our son
When I had another disappointing Mothers Day ( I had asked to have 3 hours alone and sent him a link to some earrings and I got no time alone and no earrings but he did get me beautiful flowers and chocolate covered strawberries. We went to the lunch with my family and I asked him to only pay for us and my mom and he ended up dropping like $275 on my whole family for brunch very nice but we had conversations about how he was able to do that but get me no gifts) I think his heart is the right place because he is a good guy
3rd Father's Day I got him a card, beer and a some jerky and he said he didn't feel loved because it wasn't as nice all the other Father's Days he had in the past and he doesn't know how to make sure I have a nice Mother's Day and I asked him he could use the list I gave him or just mimic what I do and customize it to fit his style. He said he would try and that led us to this Mother's Day.

I am in serious need of guidance on a post breakup dating issue. A serious boyfriend (30) (Hank) and I (32) were together for 2 1/12 years and lived together for 1. We broke up in almost a year ago semi-amicably but stopped speaking 5 months ago.
Cut to now, I matched with a former co-worker of his on Hinge (Ben). Hank was “laid off” from that job in May 2023. However, they worked on the same team, interacted frequently while they worked together, and follow each other on Instagram but they do not have contact after Hank left that job (to my knowledge). My ex never liked Ben and would talk shit about him to me during our relationship so I was aware of their relation to one another.
Do I mention this to Ben at all or not? We have plans to get drinks later this week and I am conflicted. Hank is my ex and irrelevant to either of us since they no longer work together and haven’t for some time. On the other hand, it feels weird not mentioning it because I am allowing this guy to talk about himself and his job, some of which I already know via my ex. I had been playing dumb but he has since said where he works and the team/type of work he is in within the company (small team)...not to mention I have his first and last name and he is easily google-able.
I don’t want to come across as a crazy ex that is dating my ex-boyfriend’s former associates but I also don’t know that I owe him anything. I also want to give Ben a chance to bail if he thinks it’s strange. Keep in mind, when Hank and I were dating, I had gone to a few intimate dinner parties with partners and associates of the team but Ben was never there.
When is an appropriate time to bring this up?
P.S. (Read for additional background if interested + additional question:
Should I even pursue this at all? The chance of my ex and I getting back together is just about 0% but I low key still love him and in my delusional mind if I managed to really get my shit together maybe some fay we could...and I think that this would be something Hank (my ex) would find messed up as he feels as though Ben took his job from him (however unwarranted). I can't be certain but I think he may have even said it would bother him if we were to even break up and I were to start dating Ben. That being said, I know that they sexted while we were together (we had an open relationship but still). Additionally, I don't know where my ex and I even stand. I am assuming it isn't on good terms because he blocked my number (presumably because I called him a couple times post 3AM when I was drunk/high but I was messed up in the throws of a break up and that's typical toxic bs). I'm taking it to mean he is so over me and doesn't want to deal at all, thinks I am a mess, and couldn't care less. So more power to me? Part of me thinks, and hopes that he blocked me because he knew it was over and had to just make a clean break (I had heard he was having a bit if a life crisis shortly after our break up...not just bc of me but not nott bc of me)....I say this because for a few months after our break up we would text. Just about this and that. Nothing necessarily of substance but just little things. Also, right before he blocked me he had messaged me pictures of our old apartment and said "do you miss it?"...I think he was trying to reminisce but I'm not sure because I didn't respond, didn't plan to, and then called him drunk at 3AM. He didn't answer but then the next day when I texted him to apolgize for calling late (because I knew he hated that) he had blocked me and I found out he dropped off my childhood decorations at my brother's house rather than at mine.
Soooo it's over. I just can't help but hesitate because he did mean a lot to me and frankly he had some legit reasons for the break up. Not that I was cheating or anything but I was using drugs behind his back, which he was unaware of exactly but the affects of my behavior had repercussions (i.e. not wanting to have sex, being lazy, not being a proactive partner, not working out, etc.)....It's hard to say but I took it for granted..He was not saint either to be honest. He pushed for an open relationship that I didn't want but agreed because I was in love with him and I loved our connection.
Ok, I'm sorry. I got off topic. The question is - do I mention to this new guy that I used to date his former coworker? When do I bring it up, if at all? I had planned on playing dumb but feel as though I no longer can because it's been made crystal clear that they worked at the same company, at the same time, in the same group.

My (35m) wife (35f) and I make more than I ever could have imagined (250k HHI, double what we were making just 4 years ago) yet it I can’t shake the feeling of being “poor” because her spending / never ending desire of big ticket “needs” is stressing me out.
This has been amplified after moving from our starter house in the city to our new build “forever” home in the suburbs. The house is beautiful and we have great neighbours with similar aged kids but it’s taking up too much time and money to maintain for my liking. More importantly it just feels like my wife will never feel content with our own home since she’s always comparing to the neighbours who a) all seem to be at least 5 years older than us b) moved in two years before we did so have a head start on things like interior decorating/landscaping and c) have just flat out spent more than we have and thus I’ll always feel this way despite being in A beautiful home and in the best financial shape of our life.
Off the top of my head, in the past 18 months we’ve have spent 8k on a fence, 3k on window treatments for two rooms, 5k on a mattresses, 4k on a second car, and 5k on lasik. All things that we “needed” but just seems like it’s never ending and leading to more expensive purchases. Now she wants deck and 100k backyard.
We’re saving a decent amount, albeit about 80% of total retirement savings have been in my accounts despite her income being 33% more than mine. I just hate this feeling of non-stop spending when we could be better securing our future. Ive been raising this to our therapist for years but my wife just can’t stop and/or doesn’t seem to care.
The stress led to a mental health breakdown recently in part due to my wife’s spending but also some personal reasons (stress from my job, my niece turned 14, which was the age I was when my dad died to obesity (caused by family, work, and financial stress), and my mom started chemotherapy and I was exposed to her awful financial picture, despite having a paid off house and decent pension).
It’s not all bad financially with my wife so it would be a disservice not to mention the following things that I consider myself lucky to have in a spouse. 1. She’s smart and makes good money 2. She never spends what we don’t have (goes into debt) 3. Her desire for more was the extrinsic motivation that led to increased incomes for both of us, but i thought the saving would continue after we had enough for the new house. Unfortunately, it’s just turned into lifestyle creep.
My main goal is living life to the fullest (heavy on experiences, less so on material possessions) and teaching my daughter a healthy and active lifestyle. Should I be this stressed with our financial picture? Am I just being paranoid? Maybe I need to stay off all these money forums? Or do I need to give my wife some sort of ultamatim about getting on the same page financially if she wants to stay together?
HHI: 250,000 Monthly Net: 11,000 (after taxes, health insurance, 401k, hsa, and dependent care fsa)
Major Expenses Mortgage: 4000 (640,000 remaining, pmt includes P&I, home insurance, and taxes) Daycare: 1300 Grocery/Gas: 600 Utilities: 400 Cleaner: 250 Cars: 0
Retirement Accounts: 152,000 (401k, 403, HSA) Cash: 20,000 Brokerage: 17,000 Monthly Retirement Savings: 3,333 Monthly Sinking Fund Savings: 800

import 'dart:convert'; import 'package:fluttematerial.dart'; import 'package:flutter_map/flutter_map.dart'; import 'package:flutter_map_marker_clusteflutter_map_marker_cluster.dart'; import 'package:latlong2/latlong.dart'; import 'dart:ui' as ui; import 'dart:typed_data'; import 'package:http/http.dart' as http;

void main() { runApp(const MyApp()); } class MyApp extends StatelessWidget { const MyApp({super.key}); @override Widget build(BuildContext context) { return const MaterialApp( home: MapScreen(), ); } } class MapScreen extends StatefulWidget { const MapScreen({super.key}); @override _MapScreenState createState() => _MapScreenState(); } class _MapScreenState extends State { List shops = []; late Map markerIcons; bool isLoading = false; String error = ''; @override void initState() { super.initState(); markerIcons = {}; fetchShops(); } Future fetchShops() async { setState(() { isLoading = true; error = ''; }); const token = "eyJhbGciOiJIUzI1NiIsInR5cCI6IkpXVCJ9.eyJpZCI6NTQsImlhdCI6MTcxMzIzMjQwOCwiZXhwIjoxNzI2MTkyNDA4fQ.hdJsGEMYRAAEs5y6RERuT2TNJTBUITkWy-7FarMc_C4"; // Replace with your actual token try { final response = await http.get( Uri.parse('https://api.carcare.mn/v1/shop'), headers: {'Authorization': 'Bearer $token'}, ); if (response.statusCode == 200) { final jsonData = json.decode(response.body)['data']; if (jsonData != null) { setState(() { shops = jsonData.map((data) => Shop.fromJson(data)).toList(); }); await loadMarkerIcons(); } else { setState(() { shops = []; }); } } else { setState(() { error = 'Failed to load shops (${response.statusCode})'; }); } } catch (e) { setState(() { error = 'Error fetching data: $e'; }); } finally { setState(() { isLoading = false; }); } } Future getMarkerIcon(String imageUrl) async { try { final response = await http.get(Uri.parse(imageUrl)); if (response.statusCode == 200) { return response.bodyBytes; } else { print('Failed to load image: ${response.statusCode}'); return null; } } catch (e) { print('Error loading image: $e'); return null; } } Future loadMarkerIcons() async { for (var shop in shops) { Uint8List? markerIcon = await getMarkerIcon(shop.thumbnail); if (markerIcon != null) { markerIcons[shop.id] = markerIcon; } else { markerIcons[shop.id] = await MarkerGenerator.defaultMarkerBytes(); } } setState(() {}); } @override Widget build(BuildContext context) { List markers = shops.map((shop) { return Marker( width: 80, height: 80, point: LatLng(shop.location.latitude, shop.location.longitude), child: Container( child: markerIcons[shop.id] != null && markerIcons[shop.id]!.isNotEmpty ? Image.memory(markerIcons[shop.id]!) : Icon(Icons.location_on, color: Colors.red), ), ); }).toList(); return Scaffold( appBar: AppBar( title: const Text('Map with Markers'), ), body: isLoading ? Center(child: CircularProgressIndicator()) : FlutterMap( options: MapOptions( initialCenter: LatLng(47.9187, 106.917), initialZoom: 10, ), children: [ TileLayer( urlTemplate: 'https://tile.openstreetmap.org/{z}/{x}/{y}.png', userAgentPackageName: 'com.example.app', ), MarkerClusterLayerWidget(options: MarkerClusterLayerOptions( markers: markers, builder: (context, markers) { return Container( width: 80, height: 80, decoration: BoxDecoration( shape: BoxShape.circle, color: Colors.blue, ), child: Center( child: Text( markers.length.toString(), style: TextStyle(color: Colors.white), ), ), ); }, ), ) ], ), ); } } class Shop { final int id; final String name; final String description; final String phone; final String type; final List additional; final String thumbnail; final List bannerImages; final List branches; final List schedules; final Location location; final List services; Shop({ required this.id, required this.name, required this.description, required this.phone, required this.type, required this.additional, required this.thumbnail, required this.bannerImages, required this.branches, required this.schedules, required this.location, required this.services, }); factory Shop.fromJson(Map? json) { return Shop( id: json?['id'] ?? 0, name: json?['name'] ?? '', description: json?['description'] ?? '', phone: json?['phone'] ?? '', type: json?['type'] ?? '', additional: List.from(json?['additional'] ?? []), thumbnail: json?['thumbnail'] ?? '', bannerImages: (json?['bannerImages'] as List?) ?.map((bannerImage) => BannerImage.fromJson(bannerImage)) .toList() ?? [], branches: List.from(json?['branches'] ?? []), schedules: List.from(json?['schedules'] ?? []), location: Location.fromJson(json?['location'] ?? {}), services: List.from(json?['services'] ?? []), ); } } class BannerImage { final int id; final String name; final String path; final String fileMimeType; final int fileSize; final int fileWidth; final int fileHeight; BannerImage({ required this.id, required this.name, required this.path, required this.fileMimeType, required this.fileSize, required this.fileWidth, required this.fileHeight, }); factory BannerImage.fromJson(Map json) { return BannerImage( id: json['id'] ?? 0, name: json['name'] ?? '', path: json['path'] ?? '', fileMimeType: json['fileMimeType'] ?? '', fileSize: json['fileSize'] ?? 0, fileWidth: json['fileWidth'] ?? 0, fileHeight: json['fileHeight'] ?? 0, ); } } class Location { final int id; final double longitude; final double latitude; final String address; final dynamic city; final dynamic country; final dynamic province; final dynamic subProvince; final dynamic street; Location({ required this.id, required this.longitude, required this.latitude, required this.address, this.city, this.country, this.province, this.subProvince, this.street, }); factory Location.fromJson(Map json) { return Location( id: json['id'] ?? 0, longitude: json['longitude'] ?? 0.0, latitude: json['latitude'] ?? 0.0, address: json['address'] ?? '', city: json['city'], country: json['country'], province: json['province'], subProvince: json['subProvince'], street: json['street'], ); } } class MarkerGenerator { static Future defaultMarkerBytes() async { final recorder = ui.PictureRecorder(); final canvas = Canvas(recorder, Rect.fromPoints(Offset(0, 0), Offset(100, 100))); final paint = Paint()..color = Colors.red; canvas.drawCircle(Offset(50, 50), 50, paint); final picture = recorder.endRecording(); final img = await picture.toImage(100, 100); final byteData = await img.toByteData(format: ui.ImageByteFormat.png); return byteData!.buffer.asUint8List(); } } 

I am a psychology major, nothing is more fascinating than understanding people better and understanding what makes them tick. I also have such a love and passion for music, my favorite type of music being love songs because they have such a passion about them with how it's expressed. I also have been listening to a lot of pop punk over the past year! I also love to sing with a passion, especially love songs since I can serenade people (Even if I'm not a good singer). You can always spot me out in the wild, windows down, blasting music and singing my heart out!
People would think I'm a musician with all my instruments, but to be honest, those things are basically decorations at this point. However, I have a piano and I'm trying my best to learn how to play that! I love the way that it sounds and the melodies it can produce, so that keeps me going with wanting to become better at it!
Ideally, I would like to talk to someone around my age (21-29), but I make exceptions for some pretty awesome people! So if you think I sound interesting enough, send me a message! I also have a picture of myself on my profile if you need a face for reference as to who you are talking to! If you have made it this far, well kudos to you! Hope to hear from you soon!

I am a psychology major, nothing is more fascinating than understanding people better and understanding what makes them tick. I also have such a love and passion for music, my favorite type of music being love songs because they have such a passion about them with how it's expressed. I also have been listening to a lot of pop punk over the past year! I also love to sing with a passion, especially love songs since I can serenade people (Even if I'm not a good singer). You can always spot me out in the wild, windows down, blasting music and singing my heart out!
People would think I'm a musician with all my instruments, but to be honest, those things are basically decorations at this point. However, I have a piano and I'm trying my best to learn how to play that! I love the way that it sounds and the melodies it can produce, so that keeps me going with wanting to become better at it!
Ideally, I would like to talk to someone around my age (21-29), but I make exceptions for some pretty awesome people! So if you think I sound interesting enough, send me a message! I also have a picture of myself on my profile if you need a face for reference as to who you are talking to! If you have made it this far, well kudos to you! Hope to hear from you soon!

I am NOT OOP. OOP is u/justathrowaway282641
Originally posted to TwoHotTakes + her own page
Previous BoRU #1, BoRU #2, BoRU #3, BoRU #4, BoRU #5, BoRU 6
Editor’s Note: removed all relevant comments from older posts to make space for new updates. To see all older relevant comments, check out the previous BoRUs above
NEW UPDATE MARKED WITH ----
[New Update]: My family forgot to invite me to my grandparents funeral, but they are convinced I was there.
Trigger Warnings: death of loved ones, emotional manipulation, gaslighting, harassment
RECAP
Original Post: November 14, 2023**
I’m 30s F and caused a major blowup in my family and now none of them are talking to me. For background, my hometown is tiny (500pop) and when I went 2 hrs away to “the city” (15,000pop) for college, I loved it. I ended up staying after graduation, got married, and am happy here for a decade. I visit my home town every few weeks or so, call/text my family near daily, and thought we were all good. My family’s pretty small. Just my brother, mom, step dad, dad, step mom, and an aunt and uncle (mom’s siblings, never married, no kids). My mother's grandparents moved to my home town when I was in high school and were just down the street from us. My family has always been pretty drama free (aside from my parent’s divorce when I was a kid) and we’ve been happy. The step-parents were blended in perfectly and we share holidays and celebrations together. We’re all super close and just the perfect little group.
Ever since I moved away, the topic of “when am I moving back?” is constant, and I’ve always laughed it off. My home town has nothing. You have to drive 30 minutes for milk and bread. 60-90 minute one-way commutes to work. And floods shut down the main road every Easter. I love the town, but I love here more. I have parks, stores, community events, a library! The “city” is great. My family grumbles that I need to move back, but I refuse. I've been trying to encourage them to come here, especially since it's not an hour drive to the nearest medical facility.
Now to the meat and potatoes: both my grandparents passed over COVID times. They were both old and their health had been failing for a while so it was only a matter of time. Thankfully they didn’t catch it, but it made visiting them impossible and we survived mostly through FaceTime. They both passed in their sleep months apart. Both were cremated and kept securely under the kitchen sink for safe keeping while the pandemic blew over. That was 2021.
Well, I just found out my family held a funeral for them and scattered the ashes in my uncle’s maple grove over the summer. No one said a word to me about it. I’ve visited numerous times before and after and not one word. I only found out because my great uncle from California posted on Facebook a few weeks ago that he is entering hospice and was so thankful his health stayed strong enough for him to see his little sister (my grandma) to her final resting place. I was confused and called my mom. She was all “Yeah, the funeral we had in July, remember?” Ya’ll, I visited them for the 4th of July. They did the funeral the 8th. Not a word about it to me. They had planned this for months. Long enough to arrange for my infirm great uncle to be brought over from the other side of the country. Apparently, they talked about it “all the time”.
Everyone is convinced I was at the funeral. They SWEAR I was there. I can prove I wasn’t because Google’s got my location history. My hubby is baffled because he was supposedly there, too, but he had to work every weekend in June and July. Time clock doesn’t lie. My family straight up forgot about me. I’m hurt. I’m sad. And they’re pissed at me “for lying”. They think I’m causing drama over nothing. Nothing I say can convince them I wasn’t there. My family is united in this. And they’ve all put me “on read” until I admit I’m wrong. They think I’ve gone nuts. Either there’s a doppelganger of me attending events, or my family doesn’t want to admit they screwed up. I’m not backing down.
Thanksgiving is coming up, and my family’s been vague posting on Facebook about “forgetful kids” and mental health. It’s so freaking weird and I don’t know if I’m in bizzaro world or what’s going on. My mom’s best friend reached out and said I should just admit I was wrong and apologize, that I’m causing my mom so much unnecessary stress. I asked her if she’s checked everyone’s home for CO2. She hung up on me. (We checked our CO2, and our testers are running just fine.) I have reached out to a few people in my home town to check in on my folks, and they all say they're fine. I even spoke with the local volunteer fire fighter group to see if they could check for gas leaks. Not sure if they were able to.
I don’t know what to do. I’ve shown them the proof I wasn’t there, but they know I’m tech savvy and just assume I’ve Photoshopped it. Hubby says we need a break, and we’re going to be staying home this holiday season.
Edit: I don't know the update rules, so I'll post updates to my profile should anyone want them.  
Update #1: November 27, 2023
Not sure how to do updates on posts, so figured I'd post anything on my profile. Folks have private messaged me and this will be easier I think?
It's 11/27 and Thanksgiving just happened. Hubby and I stayed home. We got a small turkey and made our own little thanksgiving. It was nice. We ate around noon, then watched a movie, and later sat outside with a bottle of wine to watch the sun set behind the trees and neighbor houses.
We usually take the day before off, drive to my folks, stay the night, and help with the Thanksgiving Day cooking. So it wasn't until Wednesday night that my mom broke the silence. Mom called and asked when I was showing up, and I told her we were staying home this year, but for them to have a happy Thanksgiving, and to give the rest of the family my love. She was quiet for a long time after I said that, and I think she eventually mumbled an "okay", or something, and hung up. It wasn't an angry hang up. Just a hang up. On Thanksgiving day, I sent a group "Happy Thanksgiving!" gif to our family group chat. I received a few "happy Thanksgiving"'s back. No one's said anything else. There's been no posts on Facebook.  
Update #2: December 12, 2023
So, I think I mentioned in one of my comments that my dad and I usually talk on the phone every Sunday morning. We're both early risers so we'd chat over our morning coffees and watch the sunrise. Him and I haven't really spoken since this all went down and it's been tough. I'm used to talking to him, you know?
Well, I was sitting outside in my usual spot, watching the sun rise and freezing my butt off, and he called me. I'm not entirely sure how to describe the emotions I felt. It was a mix of panic, hope, terror, happiness, and dread. I ended up answering because I just had to know what he wanted. It was an awkward conversation. He didn't address the current "drama", but instead tiptoed around the situation with all the grace of an cow on stilts. For instance, a simple "How are you doing?" Type question was answered with a "Not good." And the whole conversation would stall out for a bit because he knew why I wasn't doing well. So we ended up talking about the weather, the various winter birds we'd seen in our feeders, and the Christmas decorations around town. Things like that.
Eventually he asked if we were coming out for Christmas, and sounded sad when I told him we weren't. He asked if him and step mom could come visit us instead, and I told him it wasn't a good idea this year. That hubby and I were going to spend a quiet holiday together. I let him know he should be receiving some gifts at his PO Box any day now, so to please pick them up from the post office and put them under the family tree for everyone. He said he'd ship ours to us as well.
And that was pretty much it. No crazy drama to report. The only posts on Facebook have been the usual Christmas excitement ones, countdowns, photos of Santa, silly gift ideas, photos of company Christmas parties.
On a personal note: Hubby and I are doing alright. Our health is good, our spirits high, and we're as solid as ever. We each got Christmas bonus' at our jobs, so we're excited about that. They're not large, but we're happy to have them. We have also done advent calendars for the first time ever. I got him a Lego one, and he got me a hot chocolate one. We're going to do the calendars again next year. Maybe make a tradition out of it.
Everyone please have a safe and happy holidays.  
Inheritance: December 16, 2023
I've received a lot - A LOT - of messages and private DMs urging me to check into inheritance and such. I'm really touched a lot of Internet strangers are worried about me and I wanted to ensure everyone that inheritance is most likely not an issue here. I'd almost be relieved if it was, because then it would at least make some sense. Money does weird things to people, you know?
No one in my family is wealthy by any means. After my grandparents' passed, their small estate was used to pay for their end of life expenses and remaining assets split up. Everyone directly related got an equal split (so excluded my dad and the step parents). I don't remember the exact amount I received, but it was around $5k if I recall. My brother gave me his share, too, so I could finish paying off my college debt while the interest freeze was active.
The great uncle from California has kids and grand kids, and great grandkids of his own, and also isn't wealthy. I think one of his kids makes good money doing something in finance, but I'm not entirely sure. I can't imagine he left us anything, as we hardly knew him. My mom, aunt, and uncle only met him a few times in their lives, and my brother and I even less. Grandma and him were close, but I don't think he liked my grandpa much.  
Christmas: December 25, 2023
I hope everyone had a wonderful Christmas. I've received a lot of support through my posts and I'm really grateful. Writing these updates have had a therapeutic effect.
Yesterday was Sunday, but I didn't answer my dad when he called. I just really didn't feel up to a pointless chat, so let it go to voicemail. He tried to reach me a few times throughout the day, but I didn't answer.
Our bestie last minute invited us over to his house for Christmas day lunch (today), so husband and I were busy all Christmas Eve making cookies, peanut brittle, and homemade suckers/hard candies for his kids. Mom tried to reach out as well, but I also ignored her calls.
We had a BLAST at lunch! Our friend's kids are a lot of fun to be around. They got some techy presents from their grandparents (Quest vr headset and steam decks, lucky little rascals) Friend and his wife aren't good with tech, while hubby and I are, so we helped get them set up while our friend played a good host to his folks and inlaws. The grandparents didn't realize that a Steam deck required a Steam account, so we got the kids all their own accounts set up, added them to our steam friends lists, and gifted them some games. We also bought them a few VR games for their headset, and they were off to the races with Beat Saber in no time.
As for my folks: My brother texted and asked if we could talk sometime tomorrow. I think me ignoring mom and dad has caused some kind of upset. Which they deserve.  
Brother’s call: December 26, 2023
Spoke with my brother over the phone this morning.
For starters, he apologized for everything. Him and I are good (for now). For a bit of background, my brother and I are only 2 years apart. There weren't a lot of kids around growing up, so the two of us were often stuck doing stuff together. So we have a lot of shared interests and passions. He's been pretty silent on this whole matter, but still "part of the group", if you know what I mean. I think the thought of losing him out of my life was probably the most painful, because he's always been there. He was my rock until I met my husband. He's definitely a Mama's boy, though, so anything mom wanted, he made sure she got. I'm happy to have him back.
Without further ado, here's the story from the horse's mouth:
Mom apparently had a cancer scare late last year (which no one told me about, go figure), and dad had a stint put in his heart back in January (which I did know about). This "sense of mortality" has apparently lit a fire under Mom's ass to get me back home. But since I wasn't reacting to her passive aggressive hinting, she and step mom decided to go full crazy. My great uncle's health was bad, and he'd been asking about funeral arrangements for his sister (my grandma) for a while, so the moms decided to plan it. And use the event as a giant middle finger to me. They kept all the planning pretty hush-hush between the two of them, so no one on our side of the family actually knew about the funeral until like 2 weeks before. The moms said they'd invited hubby and I. No one thought anything about it. No one thought to mention, confirm, or check with me.
The plan was to scatter the ashes, say a few words, and maybe head to town for lunch. It was a small affair. The mom's didn't even tell the family that our great uncle was coming for it. Like I said, it was a small thing. Barely a footnote. No one thought it was odd because we're pretty chill people.
4th of July happens. Hubby and I are out. No one thought to mention it, as we were all busy celebrating and having a great time. Any time the topic of "this weekend" would start, the conversation would be quickly shifted by one of the moms. We went back home.
8th of July happens. Great uncle rolls into town with a few of his kids, grandkids, and great grandkids, and it's a surprise to everyone (but the moms). Everyone drives to the maple grove and the moms have brought a ton of food and stuff. It's a full blown party. No one on my side noticed I wasn't there, because there were so many extra faces outside the usual group. They did the spreading of the ashes, they said their words, they ate, they had a great time. It wasn't until our great uncle left, and all his side left with him, that they realized I wasn't there. And hadn't been there.
And this is where the crazy went up a notch. My brother says the moms were happy no one noticed I wasn't there. And that this was proof to everyone that I needed to move back because I was so easily forgotten about. Because none of them thought to reach out, right? They basically did a ton of guilt tripping manipulation bullshit and it made everyone upset at me for not showing up. Somehow it was my fault for being excluded. So suddenly everyone was on their side with "sticking it to me".
But then a few months went by, and tempers cooled, and then I guess the horror of it set in. Followed by the shame, but by then they were "in too deep". How do you undo something like this? And since I hadn't brought it up, I guess they figured they would all just stay quiet about it and hope I never asked about a funeral.
That's when I discovered the situation from my great uncle's Facebook and called my mom, who panicked and went with the stupidest solution. Claiming I was there. Don't I remember?
I ended up talking with a few friends from high school, mentioning the situation, and word got back to those in town. So suddenly town gossip and little old church ladies got involved. Was I, or wasn't I at the funeral? Did my family forget to invite me to the funeral of the only grandparents I'd ever know? Or am I just causing a ruckus? My brother said they all just went with mom's answer. Of course they wouldn't forget me. Of course I was there. Of course they're good people. And it just snowballed.
The family expected me to eventually fold. I'm usually a nonconfrontational person, so me sticking to my guns was unexpected. And then I missed Thanksgiving. And now Christmas. With no sign of backing down. And I guess the realization that I could just stop being part of their lives is setting in and my parents are panicking. He's tried just getting them to apologize and explain, but stubbornness prevails. They want to rug sweep, but I'm not letting them.
My brother is upset with everything that's happened. He's realized just how crappy it all has been and he wants nothing to do with it anymore. But since he lives with my mom, he can't "get away from it".
He has asked if he can come stay with us for a little bit. I spoke with hubby, and he's in agreement with me that my brother can come crash in our spare bedroom for as long as he wants. Brother works remotely, so it's no trouble for him to pick up and go. I believe he's making the trip today or tomorrow. Not entirely sure, but I expect crap to hit the fan when he arrives.
On a side note, hubby's stoked that my brother and I made up. The two usually game together, but haven't due to "the situation". He's downstairs right now setting up his man cave in preparation for my brother's arrival. I'm happy to see him so excited.  
Brother's Here: December 27, 2023
My brother rolled in late last night. He'd obviously been crying and when I opened the door, he just held me and sobbed. I'd never seen him like that before and soon both of us were just standing in the doorway crying into one another. He kept apologizing. Over and over again. Said he wasn't sure why he went with it. Just kept saying sorry. Hubby got him all set up in the spare bedroom while brother and I talked. My brother's a wreck. He's always been a big guy, but he's lost a lot of weight and his clothes just hang off him. If I didn't know better, I'd think he was on drugs. We talked for a little bit before bed and he re-explained everything for my husband. I'd told hubby the story, but it was just so weird that hearing it again helped.
This morning my brother was up at dawn making some coffee and getting his work day going. Hubby's off all week (lucky) so hubby made us working folk some pancakes and bacon. So far everything's peaceful. We've decided not to answer any calls from our family. They've been made aware that he arrived safely, and that we are going to spend the New Years together, and that we're not answering any calls until January 1st. They may text if they wish. I'm sure they're losing their minds. Serves them right.
Everyone, have a safe and happy new years! Don't drink and drive!  
Happy 2024!: January 2, 2024
I hope everyone has a safe and enjoyable holidays, and may the new year be full of joy and happiness!
Not too much of an update. Things here have been quiet. My brother's settled in nicely and he's a great housemate. Our place isn't very big, but we have full basement and a nice outside patio/porch area so it doesn't feel crowded at all with the extra addition. He's a quiet and clean guy. No hassle at all. He got some fresh clothes from the Walmart, a haircut, and trimmed his beard, so he's more "presentable" now. He's a lady killer when he gets cleaned up. He's made nice with the (very nosy, but kind) retired couple next door and is adapting to "city living" nicely.
Folks back home have been mostly well behaved. There's been a few texts back and forth, as we're not answering calls. Mom mainly wants to know when brother's coming back, but he's keen on staying here for a while. Mom said I can't "keep him" and I told her he's a grown ass man and can do what he wants. Brother says he has her blocked after she ORDERED him to return home.
Brother has tentatively asked if he could stay long term, should he decide to, or at least longer than a usual visitor would stay. Which we're fine with. He has a good paying job and could afford an apartment, but he's never lived on his own and I would guess he has some anxiety about it. Should that be the case, he'll start paying us some rent and we'd probably adjust to give him the basement as his own space.  
Had to change the locks: January 17, 2024
My brother is officially staying with us for the long haul. Hubby and him spent all Sunday organizing the basement and shifting things around so he now has his own area to be comfortable in. He's pretty handy and has also started fixing little things around our house. Our windows and doors have never closed and locked/unlocked smoother. He even fixed one of the closets we never use because we can never get the darn door open. Sadly, he also had to change the locks on our house and get us all new keys.
This is because while hubby and I were out this Saturday, the moms showed up. They'd been calling and texting us all week, but we weren't really answering them, so I guess the two decided to drive over and hash it out in person. They have emergency keys to my place, and just let themselves in. Brother told them to leave, they argued, and my nosy (but kind) neighbors called the police when they noticed the commotion. So, we get a call from neighbor's wife, return home to some cops in our yard, all the neighbors out "vacuuming their trees", and my nosy (but kind) neighbors standing on my porch with my brother behind them, doing their best Gandalf "You shall not pass" impression.
Had to talk with the cops, explain that we were having a family dispute and word vomited. I don't really remember what all I said, and was shaking a lot. Our local cops are really great. Fantastic guys and gals in blue, and took it all in stride. It's really cold here, so one had me join him in his cruiser with the heat on, and gave me a bottle of water to calm down while we talked. They asked if we wanted the moms trespassed but I wasn't sure if that counted as a criminal charge so just asked the cops if they could just make them leave, which the cops did with no fuss. I think the moms were shocked we were taking this so seriously. They didn't fight or scream at us. Just left quietly.
My dad promised me he'd make sure his wife left us alone. "Or else". He said he'd also have a stern talk with my mom. Him and I talked Sunday morning, and he seemed absolutely at the end of his rope. Husband jokingly told my dad he could move in, too. To which he declined.
Not sure where to go from here, but we're getting some ring cameras installed once they arrive. And everyone but my dad is blocked. Hopefully they all just leave us alone.  
Nothing New To Report: February 2, 2024
Had a lot of DMs for updates, but don't have much anything to report on. The moms are behaving themselves. All's quiet on the western front. Felt weird ignoring or copy/pasting "no updates" to everyone, so here's what we've been doing, should anyone care.
Dad got a new bird/squirrel feeder from Amazon (looks like a little picnic table for a child's dolly but has a mesh top for the bird seed. I think it's supposed to be for chickens?) It's totes adorbs. To his horror, it also works as a Cooper hawk feeder, so now he's "fortifying his defenses" and putting up some trellises around it. He'll have to wait till warmer weather before planting anything to grow on them.
We had some ring cameras installed and put in a motion-activated camera that double functions as a light bulb. It goes in the light fixture outside the front door and is pretty cool. Video quality isn't all that great, but it's a nice addition I guess. It does overlook the bird feeders, so I've been watching it on my lunch breaks on the days I have to go into the office.
Hubby and brother are feuding. They started a coop farm in Stardew Valley a few days ago and they both want to romance Leah. My husband confided in me that he's also been romancing Sebastian as a backup. I'm not sure why he's keeping this a secret, but he's pretty smug about it.
RELEVANT COMMENTS
fractal_frog I hope your dad can outsmart the hawks!

OOP: He'll be able to, I just know it. He's used to dealing with the wildlife and having hawks about, but he just wasn't expecting one to snag a meal right from his new feeder.
I told him it was "technically" still a bird feeder. Just....for bigger birds. Which he thought was funny. He said he might make a little "no hawks allowed" sign to put up next to it.

MissOP: keep the updates coming. the moms are so close to folding it's just a little bit more. LMAO also, the bro mance between your husband and brother is so cute. lol Honestly, I think your husband making sure he has a side piece of Sebastian is absolutely the play.

OOP: So far still no word from the moms, but I hope you're right. I would love an apology and for us to begin moving past this. But I NEED that apology. I feel selfish saying that, but I refuse to "be the bigger person" on this. I just won't.
As for my brother and husband, yeah, they're basically soul mates. The two hit it off immediately when they first met, and they've been thick as thieves for years.  

Update: February 27, 2024
My dad came out for a visit over the weekend. We had a good time and the weather was lovely for some grilling and beers. It was really nice to see him again and he seemed healthy and in good spirits.
Here's his report from back home: Step mom (dad's wife) has started to realize she's screwed up. I credit her change of mindset to the fact that my dad sat her down and laid it out for her: she leaves his kids alone, or she's getting divorce papers. That apparently shut her up right quick, because they had a prenup done when they married and I'm not sure the details of it, but it wouldn't end favorably for her. She hasn't worked in years, so I imagine she'd be eligible for alimony? But I'm not versed in any of that legal mumbojumbo. Dad didn't seem too worried about it, so I'm not gonna worry about it.
Step dad was pissed the police were involved in the last "mom visit" (despite no one getting arrested or anything) and was in a "the kids are out of control and need to be reigned back in" mindset. When my dad pointed out that "the kids" in question were all in their mid-30s, it took some of the steam out of stepdad's sails. According to my dad, even my mom looked a little surprised when he said that. So, part of me is wondering if a good chunk of this whole thing is my mom not truly realizing that her kids were grown, and no longer children she could make demands of. Both of the moms have left us alone. I expected my mom to continue to kick up a fuss, but I think the cops spooked her.
There was a wonderful suggestion by a comment or to get their pastor involved, which I passed along to my dad. Dad has since spoken to their pastor about everything. He's a young guy, relatively new to their church, and joked that his first month on the job he had to do 3 funerals in a row and his new "flock" were just dying to get away from him, so he's got a sense of humor which is nice. The new pastor agreed to sit down with everyone and help the family hash it all out in a true "Come to Jesus" type moment next month, so that maybe we could celebrate Easter together as our first holiday as a family. Dad said the pastor was aware our family was having some troubles, but unsure of exactly what was going on, and since he was new, the pastor didn't want to pry. He has also agreed to do a small service down at my uncle's maple grove later in the summer, as it usually floods and is a muddy mess all spring. According to my dad, my aunt and uncle are so over all the drama and just ready to move on, so I expect hugs and apologies from them when we next meet.
Stardew Valley Update: My brother was victorious in the grand fight for Leah. It was a hard battle. Well fought. When my husband exposed his plans to woo Sebastian all this time, it was quite the betrayal. Dramatics aside, their farm is really cute and I'm so happy they're enjoying the game!  
Update 4/1 - Final one I think - April 1, 2024
Happy April Fools everyone! I hope you all check your caramel apples for stray onions before taking a bite! I also hope your Easter weekend was a delightful one.
It is with great joy that I tell you all about our most recent update! Possibly even a conclusion to this whole ordeal.
The entire family (aunt, uncle, moms, dads, brother, me, husband) and pastor met at my dad's house and we all sat down to hash the situation out. As expected from what my dad said, my aunt and uncle greeted us all with apologies and hugs, which was nice. My uncle usually helps host the Easter egg hunts with the church and he brought our Easter baskets to give to us in case us kids weren't sticking around the for the weekend. I'm not sure why but seeing it made me tear up and feel stupid, because it was just a basket of candy but it meant a lot to me for some reason.
The pastor led us in a prayer and talked about forgiveness and such. He then asked us all to talk one at a time about how we're feeling and what we want the end result of today to be. No one was allowed to interrupt so everyone got to talk. It was nice. The consensus for the group was that most everyone wanted things to go back to "normal". The only ones who had any variance off this was my mom and step dad. They both wanted all us kids to move back to the area.
The pastor asked them why they wanted us back, and neither could give a good reason other than "because family", and the pastor asked us if we were thriving where we were. And we said we were. He asked if we were happy there. Which we were. He then asked my mom and step dad if they wanted us to give up our happiness to make them happy.
And Mom broke down and said no. We all had a good cry. The pastor then asked about the funeral and lies that led up to it and followed it and how it made us all feel and what we wished we'd done differently if we had the chance. It was all very emotional, but in a good way, you know? Everyone apologized and admitted they f-ed up and did a really crappy thing.
We all talked for a long, long time and the pastor was a great mediator. Eventually we all reached some sort of resolution and I think we're good now. Emotions are still high and a little raw in areas, but we stayed for Easter weekend and had a nice time. We're going to keep moving forward slowly and try to repair the relationship, but I believe we're well and truly out of the woods.
As for my brother, he's still staying with us, and mom will stop trying to guilt trip him back home. He's thinking about renting a small apartment in our area but we're not pushing him to make a decision. He knows he's welcome to stay as long as he wants. I think he wants to try dating (he's had a few girlfriends but never anything serious) and is embarrassed to bring any girls around our place, lol. He's been going to a few random classes/bookclubs at the local library for something free to do and hitting it off with all the little old ladies who attend, and they keep trying to hook him up with girls his age who they know. He has been on a few lunches/coffee dates with a couple girls, but I think he's too embarrassed by the attention to give it a real try at "dating" any of them. He's happy, though, which is all I could ask for.
I'm not sure if there will be any more updates, as I think it's all be resolved about as much as it can be at the moment. I wanted to thank you all for your words of advice and giving me a place to vent and scream into the void. Please be kind to one another and to yourselves. Thank you.
Relevant Comments
emjkr: What a nice and hopeful update, I’m really glad you stuck to your guns when everyone threw sanity out the window!
But, could your mother explain how she thought this would work out in her favour?

OOP: I don't think mom thought too far ahead. I believe she assumed it would all just magically work out the way she wanted it to. She said she wasn't sure what she was expecting to happen (which I think was a lie, but I wasn't going to push it).

mak_zaddy: This was a great update! But ummmmmm no stardew valley update? What gives? Has Sebastian been woo’ed? How’s Leah? What’s happening?

OOP: Sebastian has indeed been wooed (and whoohooed) There's kids and cows and chickens. The two are still having a wonderful time at the game. They're working on completing the community center but it's slow going as they aren't trying to speedrun and just doing things as they want. I believe they're thinking about going into the desert mines once they complete that bundle, but they're both super chicken shit about it!

-my-cabbages: I don't really understand what you had to apologize for ... but I'm glad you're happy and the situation seems to be settling down

OOP: There wasn't much of an apology on my end, as everyone agreed I had done nothing wrong. Mine was more of a "I'm sorry you didn't feel as though I would listen." Type apology, which I don't really believe is a proper apology because apologies like that push the blame back on another. I mostly expressed my feelings and the shock of it all, and how betrayed I felt.  

----NEW UPDATE----

Small, happy update: May 7, 2024 (1 month later)
Things as wonderful as the moment. Still doing baby steps with The Moms. We're texting and talking on the phones more, which is nice. Very civil.
Dad "accidentally" bought a bunch of hand crafted bird feeders at a craft fair. By accidentally, I mean: he had a little too much fun in the beer tent, went for a stroll while step mom wasn't looking, and stumbled upon a guy's booth and bought "one of each". He wouldn't tell me how MANY "one of each" was, but he cackled like a witch when I asked. Step mom said she's forcing him to give a few to me, so I'm expecting a delivery or a Dad-visit any day now.
My brother is officially "going steady" with a girl. We've met her a few times and she seems like a real sweetheart. She's our age and has a little boy (5-6 years old, I haven't asked) from a previous relationship (The dad's not in the picture from what I can gather). She's the granddaughter of one of his Book Club members, so the old ladies made good match makers in the end. The relationship is still very new and I'm routing for them.
No new Stardew Valley updates. Work has been a little crazy lately and I haven't been able to play much of anything, and brother has been distracted by his new lady friend. So, husband finally started Baldur's Gate 3, and fell for Gale's "magic trick" so now those two are a thing. I expect him to be sufficiently distracted from reality for the next few weeks.
 

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

hello everyone, i desperately need advice on how to decorate my living room and especially with the seating layout. there are 3 doorways/entrances in this room which makes it extremely hard with the layout. we really wanna seat as many people as possible (10+?) while maintaining the coziness and keeping it a beautiful room. i’ve included a few different pictures of the room some recent ones during the night time and some in the early am so it’s easier to get a perspective of how it looks in both lighting. i also included a few screenshots from my pinterest board of some of the living room decor inspiration i have saved thru the years. im not sure what to call this style but if anyone can help me based on those pictures id really appreciate it. thanks so much!! i’d appreciate all help and advice. sorry in advance of any mess in the picture :(

This is a long post. I'm sorry, I just don't really know who to talk to about this.
My husband and I got married 9 years ago when we were fairly young (24 years old) and had no money and no place to live. My parents are poor and we knew that any wedding we had would have to be really simple and inexpensive.
I've always wanted a big wedding with all my family and friends there, I wanted to wear a black tulle ball gown, I wanted a sit down dinner with everyone and lots of music and dancing. I made so many concessions for our wedding because of budget and time.
We had planned to get married in July on a day that is really important to us, but nothing was working out. So we ended up changing our date to May of the same year because it seemed like the only way things were going to work out which meant that a bunch of people who'd RSVP'd were unable to come. Most of my husband's family wasn't able to be there which was a huge bummer, and some of my out of town family wasn't able to get time off work or change travel plans.
At the time we were engaged I was sleeping on the floor of my mom's room in a two bedroom apartment that we shared with my two brothers and my dad. There was not enough space for all of us, and I wasn't making enough money to move out on my own. My husband and I both come from very religious families so moving in together before marriage was out of the question. We knew we'd get married eventually so we figured why not now. That way I could get out of the cramped apartment. (Plus there was a lot of stress with my dad, and I was on my way out of my religion which was causing more contention at home). Which is why we moved the date up rather than back.
My mom and my aunts basically DIY'd our whole reception which was AMAZING. We had a short and sweet ceremony on the beach near where we live, and had a short open-house type reception at a community center near by. There was no dinner, no dancing, and it was only a couple of hours long.
I need to preface the rest of this by saying I'm suuuper grateful for the wedding we had! Our families put so much work and effort to make sure we had a nice celebration that was affordable. We had a really fun time celebrating and taking photos during and after the event. I have really fond memories of the day and I love looking through our pictures of the day and remembering how exciting and fun it was.
Now I need to explain where I'm coming from.
Even though the community center worked great for the type of reception we did, it just didn't look that nice and I was pretty bummed out that that's all we could afford.
The food consisted of appetizers and cake. We never ate any food because we were running around saying hi to everyone and thanking them for driving the 1.5 hours to the coast to celebrate with us. The only cake I ate was the tiny slice we cut and then was shoved in my face. We had bought 3 cakes for everyone to eat and the smallest one which was 8" was sent home with us because everyone thought we wanted it for our 1st anniversary. It was a spice cake which cream cheese frosting that we ordered because some of our family really loves spice cake. So it never got communicated that we didnt want to take the whole cake home, but that we wanted our guests to eat it.
The dress was an issue. Like I mentioned before, I really wanted a black tulle ballgown. Everyone one in my family hated the idea and said I would regret wearing black when I saw my wedding photos. (And the photos were the only thing we splurged on so I didn't want to regret those). They also said a ball gown wouldn't make sense for the beach so I should go with something else. My mom and dad wanted me to be modest so I tried to find a dress with short sleeves that would be comfortable to wear in 80° weather on the beach. I was really loving the off the shoulder and sleeveless dresses and at the time they had more details I was looking for. I hated white, and I wanted to go for ivory instead as a compromise but I was told that a bride shouldn't wear anything other than pure white. So I felt super stuck, and ended up feeling super confused and frustrated. I bought a $200 dress online that was pure white, but had tulle cap sleeves. Which was also a house disappointment because I had always wanted to go try on dresses with my mom and grandma and best friend. But because of the timing of the wedding, it wasn't possible and there was nothing we could afford in stores. The dress I bought ended up being too big in the bust and too tight in the hips so we took it for alterations. Seamstress was able to alter the bust so it fit properly, but the hips didn't have enough seam allowance to be taken out at all. So on the day of the wedding I couldn't even sit or go to the bathroom. I will say the dress did look really beautiful and I love my pictures, but everytime I think about it I'm just frustrated that I allowed so much control over what I wore. I wasn't comfortable in the dress or how I looked because I hate wearing whitr and the previously mentioned sitting/bathroom issues.
I had originally wanted my makeup done professionally by a woman I worked weddings with, but when we had to move our date up she had another wedding already booked. So instead I did some lessons with her and did my own makeup the day of.
My family knew about all of the concessions we were making for the wedding and everyone said that in the future we should do a re-do and throw the wedding we wanted originally.
So we planned to do this for our 10 year anniversary which will be next year.
Now, we're in the midst of planning. We've seen so many venues, I've gotten so many quotes for services, and everything is so expensive that my husband is scared off of doing the big wedding I wanted. We've had to cut our guest list, and we're back on track to DIYing a bunch of stuff. The other day we were talking and I felt the way I did when we were getting married originally. Like I'm making all of these concessions for other people and because of money. We've saved money for a while and if we threw the wedding we want, we'd blow through our savings. I'm just feeling frustrated and I don't want to wait another 5 or 10 years to do this. Prices will still be going up and I'm thinking we'll just never be in a place to afford the wedding I had envisioned.
I really wanted this re-do to be a celebration of our relationship as well as a thank you to our friends and family for the support and all the work they did for our wedding. I don't want to ask them for help because I just want them to enjoy the event and not stress. But I'm also feeling conflicted because I want to enjoy the event with my husband rather than running around to make sure things run smoothly. We can't afford a wedding coordinator, DJ, or catering staff, we'll be doing a lot of the work ourselves.
It's looking like we're back to engaged and cutting our guest list as well as DIYing decor and probably running the whole event.
My husband doesn't want to spend $10,000 on the event anymore which is what we had discussed and agreed on. But he also hasn't come up with a new budget and everytime I suggest a number he says no, or says nothing. So I feel stuck. I don't even know where to start looking for a venue. I don't think this is going to happen anymore and I'm feeling really upset. I feel stupid that I care so much about this dumb party, and I feel like an ungrateful brat even though my family hasn't said anything about it and they support the re-do.
I guess I'm just looking for comfort, or perspective. Do I need to reevaluate my feelings on this? Should I just let it go and put the money toward something else like investing or something? I have no idea..

In my youth, a few decades ago, I met an only boy a few years older than me, in his early twenties named Tyler at a coffee shop. He drove a blue wrangler and was smoking cigarettes in the village with a friend at the only coffee shop in the early foggy morning. I think I may have bummed a cigarette on my way out the door with my americano and began to make conversation. Tyler had just drove from Seattle and boasted of his time back to get his friend home to Carmel Valley. We started talking about music, my favorite band was Modest Mouse. His was some one I’ve never heard of. He was very cool. Plump but cool. He’s seen modest mouse on the Lonesome Crouded West tour. Brock drank whiskey out of a plastic water bottle. Rebel. Then he told me another story.
Tyler had gotten busted for something illegal which I’ve forgotten now, but had gone before a judge and sentenced to a lot of community service. More than 100 hours. I don’t remember what it was but it wasn’t anything serious. More like what a normal adolescent who was unlucky enough to get caught was issued. At the time he lived just north of San Francisco and was given options to what his services would be. Tyler chose trail maintenance. Tyler worked for weeks. It was summer and was home with his parents waking up at dawn, grabbing breakfast and lunch at the local Safeway before heading to the hills to clear trails for 10 hours. Going home exhausted.
One morning Tyler saw an old man outside the grocery store, looking very tired. It was close to 5am. He approached the old man and offered to buy him a sandwich. The old man said he would very much like a sandwich. Returning with the food the old man asked what Tyler was doing that morning and Tyler explained that he was maintaining a broken trail that was high in the mountains close by. The old man seemed interested in this answer and offered to help for another sandwich and some beer to which Tyler obliged even though alcohol was a violation of parole. But Tyler was a rebel and wasn’t directly supervised once on the trail he was working, so he got another sandwich and a few tall cans and rode away with the old man to the hills.
Tyler told me the old man took direction well and ran off with a few tools and worked all day. He made sure the man had done what he asked throughout the day and was pleasantly surprised to see he was a good worker. They took lunch, drank their beers, worked for a few more hours and at the end of the day, the two hiked back to the blue Jeep Wrangler and headed back.
Tyler asked the old man direction to where this seeming homeless man wanted to be dropped off. Expecting a bridge or over pass. The old man didn’t give an address but immediate signals, left here, right here, straight here. The house style was passing slowly got bigger. Gates more decorative. The cars that passed were nicer.
“This guy must have a nice camping spot” Tyler told me. His suspicion never alerting.
The old man pulled up to a gate with a touch pad. Pretty fancy in 2000. The old man pressed the code. The gate opened.
A long driveway. A big house in trees. The mad shows Tyler into his house. Tyler is astonished. It beautiful. The old man leads Tyler into a library, there are gold records on the wall. He studies a few and the old man gets settled, fiddling with things. Bits and bops.
All the records say: Tom Waits
Tyler looks at the man. The man stairs back with a smile as he opens a floor to ceiling cabinet full of liquor bottles.
“I hope you like whiskey” he says with a smile.
Tyler expresses that before this day he had listened to Tom waits but hadn’t seen or noticed a picture or the man. His recollection of the night that fallowed was also hazy. Or he didn’t think my reaction was merit enough to continue the story. He slept on the couch in the study and woke up at dawn to go work trails.
I never saw Tyler again.
Are there more stories like this out there?