my mother and I are both HSP which I haven’t known up until recently. it really hit me when I started staying over at my boyfriend’s apartament. it’s really small, the bathroom door is like a swinging double door which has gaps on the top, bottom and the middle, it’s also broken, the house is dirty and they keep a big dog there. my bf loves the dog so much, i feel bad for getting so triggered around it. I get irritated instantly when walking into his apartament, and then his dog starts barking right into my ear and jumping on me. it almost always makes tears flow into my eyes. he lives with his mother, who’s a very nice woman, she says she has ADHD, she studies sociology, she’s understanding, but they’re both extroverts and very loud. she doesn’t respect our privacy, walks into his room constantly and when she starts talking, she doesn’t stop for an hour. she lives in the living room so there’s no getting into the kitchen without seeing her and inevitably talking to her. i get embarrassed when i get overwhelmed by her story and can’t answer eloquently. now, on the other hand, my house, which i was raised in, has more space, cats instead of dogs, is in a quiet neighborhood and is very clean. my mother is almost never home so i have lots of free time, and when she’s here, she gives me plenty of privacy, since she’s also an introvert and expects me to respect hers. last time i spent a weekend at his apartment, i couldn’t get a good night of sleep, i was constantly scared, sad or stressed out. i felt the urge to self medicate with alcohol after each day so i just blamed my bad mood on substances. on the third day, i got woken up in the morning by his mother cussing out a pigeon that got stuck on his balcony. she had a broomstick and it sounded like she was hitting it with it. the cussing part may sound funny, but her saying that all birds should be killed really got to me. birds are a great interest of mine, i can’t really explain it, i’ve just always been obsessed with them, so i instantly froze and started crying. i didn’t make a scene, just went home the same day. the minute i got home, i felt so much better, calmer. when i was shaken up, i told my boyfriend i won’t be coming to his house anymore. i feel terrible for it. i envy him for being able to withstand all possible, dire circumstances, while i get annoyed by such insignificant things. i feel like if i’m unable to face the world then i shouldn’t be here. i don’t know what to do. my boyfriend’s understanding but i don’t think anyone should be forced to endure any kind of relationship with me, my wishes and needs are too big. my main questions were, does anyone else feel this way? and is it an exaggeration to not want to come to my own boyfriend’s apartament?

So to premise this story I’m from a small town in the PNW where Karen’s aren’t very far and in between. This also isn’t the first Karen experience I had at this same store. Names changed for identity privacy. What I want to know was I rude for my comments?
I (F22) and my boyfriend (M20) we’ll call him Bob, was spending the day with my boyfriend’s uncle (Mark). As Bob had recently moved back to our state very shortly before we met, we both wanted to spend time with his family. Mark had to go see his ex wife while in town, so we decided to go walk across the street to our local Safeway and visit my mom. It was really nice considering I don’t get to see her very often since I moved to the next town over, and we had conflicting work schedules.
When we left the store we decided to kinda just hang out on the sidewalk outside the front of the store while we waited for Mark to come pick us up.
In enters Karen.
Karen walks by Bob and I eating a Dairy Queen blizzard. Being the random social people my boyfriend and I tend to be we asked her what flavor of blizzard it was. She stopped for a second and just gave us a dirty look, then walked in the store. Turning to my boyfriend I said something along the lines of saying “she seemed grumpy” and “someone musta shit in her cheerios. She’s having a bad day.” We didn’t think we said it too loud but we kinda just laughed to each other and just kept hanging out. Karen with her ultrasonic ears must’ve heard us and she came out screaming.
“WHAT THE F**CK DID YOU JUST SAY TO ME?!”
At this point when we stand up she’s right in my face. Bewildered as hell I said “we just asked about the flavor of your blizzard. I make weird small talk. It seemed like you had a bad fucking day and we talked about it to each other. You do not need to get up in my face.” She continues to scream demanding I needed to get out of her space. I explained that she, came up to me and we were waiting for family to get us. She then proceeded to start throwing insults in my face calling me every name in the book. A fat btch. An ugly cnt, just to name a few of the mellow ones. And when she started to talk shit about MY Bob. I told her to back the f*ck up and leave us alone. I can handle being yelled at but I don’t appreciate my partner getting berated.
That’s when it happened. She SPIT her nasty orange phlegmy spit ALL over my neck, mouth, and chest.
All Hell broke loose.
I am a 6ft tall, 200 and some pound woman at the time and I do not like to engage in physical altercations but my blood was boiling. It took everything in my power not to take that blizzard and dump it on her. I said something about her being a real Karen and kinda a btch and someone really must have sht in her cheerios this morning. She proceeded to call me a C U Next Tuesday and walk into the store.
Dumbfounded by what happened I walk to my mom’s manage my ex boss while wiping the spit off my chest and face and explain the whole situation. He seemed a little shocked about the situation. I mean so was I. I got SPIT ON.
He asked me what I wanted to do. Thinking back on it, I could’ve had her charged with assault but being horrible with confrontation and just getting over spending the first two months of my relationship with mono and going to the ER I didn’t want the next few months dealing with a police report. She got kicked out of the store instead and she got banned for harassment. I just went and told my mom about it.
Hearing from my friend later who works there as well Karen left, but not before claiming I had been the one to spit on her, not her spitting on ME. The Manager let her know he saw the spit on me and will be checking the cameras to see what happened. She was flabbergasted saying she’s going to sue the store for not banning me for being rude and bothering her nice day.
I cleaned myself up and enjoyed the rest of my day unbothered. Although I did take two showers that night, I do still wonder what flavor that blizzard was. AITA for asking about her blizzard flavor and the cheerios comment?

For context, my bf and I have been together for a little under a year. We moved in together relatively soon into the relationship because of convenience regarding our daily commute and whatnot. We are both pretty busy due to college, work, etc. We use two separate bathrooms and his is connected to the guestroom while I use the one in our bedroom. I do all of the laundry and vacuuming and we split dishes basically 50/50, while he often cooks at night.
One of my cousins (Sandy) were coming to visit for a few days and they told me a month in advance - when I knew about their arrival I told my bf asap and asked if he could clean his bathroom before Sandy came over. He agreed at the time and wanted to clean around the week before Sandy was going to arrive. However things got busy for him and he didn't think he had time to clean the washroom anymore. I felt kind of rushed because she was coming over in a few days and I didn't want my guest to use a dirty bathroom - Again I told him that he would have to clean the washroom he was using before X date. He eventually did and I was very glad about it, but the next day he got upset and said that he didn't have the time to do it but did it anyways to please me essentially, and this made him behind on the work he needed to catch up on. To add on, I also bought us takeout that night since he said if he cleaned he wouldn't have the time to cook, and I was ok with that.
For more information, I typically clean a little bit as I'm brushing my teeth or something, not letting toothpaste get stuck to the sink, etc, it's not perfect but not difficult to just wipe down in 15-20 minutes. However he kind of just lets it build up so there was pink mold and some stains on the toilet which I guess would take a little longer to scrub down. He was upset I didn't offer to help, but then I said that if he wanted help he could've asked me and I would be willing to - then he said it wasn't about "him asking me" but rather the thought that counts. I also said I didn't know the extent of how busy he was but also made it a point that I told him a month in advance so he could've done it whenever, but he chose leave it for later. He said he didn't know that things were going to pile up and he was going to get so busy. A little further down the conversation, he voiced that since it was my guest, I can be the one to clean his washroom, so basically, a lot of the conversation revolved around how busy he was and that I wasn't being considerate of his timeline. Also, he said that I could've reminded him throughout the month about the guest so he could clean but this felt like he was pushing the responsibility onto me in some ways, and I have brought up the guest multiple times in conversation before so I am not really sure why this was a point to be made. In the past, he's also said he doesn't get bothered by the dirty washroom/living environment and that if it bothers me, I should be the one to clean it, then he bring up the living room and how sometimes it's full with the craft materials I bring home but he doesn't tell me to clean because it doesn't bother him.
I was quiet for a bit and he asked what I was thinking and I said that maybe it would be better for him to move back in with his parents because the cleaning situation is not working out and since he is so busy it would be better. The conversation escalated and he said he doesn't want to be with me anymore. After a while I said I was sorry for suggesting that because I didn't mean to kick him out (it's my apt, he doesn't pay rent, we split groceries) and he said it made him feel bad because it sounded like I didn't want to live with him anymore.
I felt kind of confused and a little upset as well by the end of the conversation and I'm truly wondering if it is my responsibility to clean his washroom when I have a guest over. I do acknowledge his difficult schedule but I also feel like I gave him a fair amount of time. I want to address this situation again with him in a few days but I'm scared it's going to get heated like it did before. Please let me know how I should proceed the next conversation? Should I even bring it up again?
TL;DR - my boyfriend was upset that I told him to clean his washroom before a guest arrives and he suggested that I could be more considerate and if I was bothered by the grime I could be the one to do it since he is busy at this time.

My girlfriend doesnt initiate sex
I (20m) have an issue with my girlfriend (21f) not initiating sex. I wanna start with saying we usually have sex around 3-5 times a week. We have been together for a year and a half now and she had started sex maybe 3 times and each of those times have been the most subtle things. For instance when i want to initiate ill maybe dirty talk her or like touch her body all over or grind up to her and then ill do a lot of foreplay to get her in the mood. The times she initiated she j kisses my back for a few min and then gave up and i eventually had to continue it. Ive tried not having sex for extended periods of time but she still doesnt do anything about it. Ive voiced my opinions many times and nothing seems to change.
My biggest issue is im starting to have trouble being in the moment or even getting hard or having an orgasm. I always make sure she is satisfied plenty of foreplay and if i cum and dont think she came or came enough ill go down on her. Ive even said this to her and she still hasnt done anything. Then i recently bought some sex toys (after discussing it with her) to maybe help me a little bit (because both she and i feel bad if i dont come or cant get hard) and then after i ordered them she had a whole mental breakdown about me not liking her or finder her attractive or something like that. I find her very attractive it j doesnt make me feel very good if im the one always starting it. Ive told her she can literally do anything to me at any time and i dont care ill get down and dirty with her even if im asleep or driving or anything but nothing has changed.
i feel like im a good boyfriend to her i mean she always tells me its weird to feel so safe and loved (she had a few toxic relationships) and ive shown her and told her things that get me going and she knows what i like the issue is she only does it when asked and that defeats the point. I j feel like she is having sex because i want to even if she has told me she wants it. Its not a fun situation and we were together a few years ago (17m and 18f) before we started dating again and she would go crazy so like where did that go what happened why is it different this time. She also complains if we dont have sex for an extended period but doesnt try to do anything abt it its always on me
Ive told her that if i ask than it ruins it for me. I also know her inside and out i know what makes her mad happy sad horny you name it. I feel like she doesnt put that effort towards me especially in bed. She also gets upset if i dont initiate sex but also wont do it herself. I just dont know what to do anymore and i keep overthinking things and its all just getting worse so any advice helps.
TL:DR girlfriend doesnt initiate sex. My dick isnt working because i need to feel wanted. She broke down after i bought toys (after asking). What should i do? How do I get her to understand

I guess this could also be delayed grief. I have no idea what I’m even trying to say in this, I just can’t imagine speaking these thoughts to anyone in my life right now because I just can’t stand the way people look at me or speak to me or go quiet when I talk about him. Today just sucks.
I thought it would be last year that would suck, being ten years without him. And it did, but it sucks as much as it always does. Right now feels particularly hard.
I’m just thinking about how unfair it all is. I was 10 when I lost him, and I’m just thinking about how much I’ve missed out on with him. How much he has missed out on in his kids lives. Which doesn’t feel fair, because he had some shitty fucking things go on for him throughout his life and I think he at least deserved to watch his kids grow up. And it’s not fucking fair for me either. I looked up his obituary impulsively at work, and someone had left a story there about him that I’d never seen or heard. And I can’t imagine how many stories I’m missing out on, or how many things he could’ve guided me through. And I just feel so angry and tired about it all.
I just got my first apartment last year, and my moms boyfriend helped me build the bed and get it up all the stairs. He’s a sweet guy, we aren’t close, and it’s not his fault, but that should’ve been my dad. I don’t want men to do anything for me because it just fucking sucks because that should be my dad helping me, it shouldn’t be some fucking guy it should be him. I should be able to introduce him to all my partners, I want him to walk me down the aisle, I want to hear all his crazy stories, I want to show him stupid Tik toks and let him meet my cat. I wish that he had been there when I dropped out of school, when I went to detox, when I was couch surfing and trying to stay sober. I wish I could’ve gone to him. I wish he could’ve been there when I finally graduated, and when I got my dream job.
I want him to embarrass me in front of my friends, I want to make fun of him for being old, I want to listen to his ridiculously mish mash mixtape that was way too long, I want to show him what music I like. I want to show him all my tattoos, I want him to be disappointed in my new stupid tattoo ideas. I wanted him to be there when I was being a stupid teenager and tell me to stop being an idiot.
I want to scream at every man who tried to father me for daring to try and take his spot when that was his job and that was for him nobody else deserves to take that role from him just because he isn’t here.
I want to go back to when I was little, and we were sitting in his car just us and playing around with the new speech to text and he was reciting the jabberwocky poem, and we couldn’t stop laughing at the nonsense it typed out, and I want to stay in that car forever.
Today sucks. And FUCK cancer.

Edit: I have gotten dozens of responses, many of which have been a ton of unhelpful guesses as to the positives of the relationship, or berating me for having this question, but no one seems to have resources for building and developing critical thinking skills. If you are unable to provide resources to critical thinking tools, it would be significantly more helpful that you say nothing instead of everything else under the sun. Even feel free to create your own thread about me if you want, but I am specifically looking for resources and I’ve gotten nothing relevant to that specifically. I don’t believe these resources don’t exist, and I believed reddit would have someone able to help find those. I can appreciate wanting to help with broader problems, but if you don’t have the resources I’m asking for help finding please save the life advice and psychoanalysis for my own therapist thank you🙏🏽
ADHD is not an excuse. I (27f) have very severe ADHD and I know that he(27m) has ADHD as well, but the problem is that my boyfriend is too lazy to critically think or reflect on anything. I know this topic is full of similar posts about a loving, attentive, well-meaning boyfriend who just seems to lack common sense and critical thinking skills, but the conclusion of those posts tends to universally be “he has ADHD and medication”. I’m a clinical psychologist. Again, I have adhd as well and while I understand we all have different levels of executive function and varying abilities to complete tasks, my boyfriend has expressly made laziness part of his identity. Any time I ask him to do any task (big, small, 1-step, 4-steps, immediately, tomorrow, anything) he says “that’s too much work”. And it’s not about me because that’s his reaction to anyone. If he’s playing a game with his friends and they suggest he grab an extra weapon he will definitely need, he says “eh, that’s work”, and will literally die in the game rather than do those extra steps. So when it comes down to behaving like a complete idiot when put in the position to critically think or reflect on information, he will just not. He was raised by an idiot misogynistic unmotivated father and his mother who is a hard workeseems to think for them both and I think i might have to break up with him before i end up living a similar life. And it’s extremely difficult because even as a grown man he worships his father and blames his mother for their recent divorce because “why couldnt she just be happy instead of constantly trying to push his father to do more and more”. He doesnt see that his father is an idiot nor that his mother should have left him longggg ago. So as a result he lives life with no critical thought like his father and (as another redditor so well put it) just does things based on what he feels would be a good choice instead of taking 10 seconds to think about what to do. His father has convinced this grown man that “as long as you tried, you did it. It doesnt matter if there were directions or a specific intended goal, just trying anything at all is more than enough effort for him”. And that is incorrect 100% of the time.
For example: I visit his house and have to clean the shower before i get in because its typically dirty. One time i was unable to finish the cleaning, only able to sprinkle the comet around. I asked him to finish cleaning it for me and he just rinsed all the cleaner off. Didnt think to use the scrubber or any other sort of cleaning tool, just rinsed it all off. Was there a single reflective thought about the resulting appearance of the shower? No. Because he did what i asked at all so he must have done it correctly- I’m just being picky.
We’ve had many conversations about this. He’s cried because it seems like “no matter what he does he cant do anything right” and while i would never want him to feel like an objective failure, I WISH I COULD DISAGREE AND HIGHLIGHT THINGS THAT HE DOES IN FACT DO CORRECTLY. He takes any criticism as a personal attack, which deeply emotionally hurts hum. On top of that, he always dismisses me and my concerns as being picky which hurts MY feelings because what the fuck makes you just know that everything on earth just has no correct way to do it or intended outcome? If I tell you to feed the dogs, why not change their water too? Yes there is still technically water in their bowl from 24 hours ago, but its less than a half inch deep and WHO DOESNT NEED FRESH WATER ON A DAILY BASIS? What one organism? Please tell me because the way i have had this specific conversation with him so many times and he still refuses to change their water ultimately makes me feel like im crazy. The time it takes to refill water (not even with the bare minimum expectation of washing out the used bowl which would of course be too much) is about 20 seconds more than just feeding them. And this doesnt stop with household tasks, those just come to mind easily but the overall issue is a refusal to participate in critical thinking. If I want him to complete a task completely, i need to give him specific directions, usually in writing, as well as a verbal reminder again immediately before he does it or else he will completely forget any directions and just do whatever tf he feels like doing which usually messes up some plan. Like the others, I love him and he is a very loving person and partner, but I wanted to know if there were any sort of courses or apps to look to for basic critical thinking development. The process of using multiple sources of information to solve problems, thinking about the best option of the ones you have, and how to plan anything at all are skills that I remember learning and practicing in elementary school. So I’m hoping there are any resources not focused on phonetic reading or something that I could direct him to/work on with him. As a literal clinical psychologist the ADHD is only prt of the problem but the lifelong atrophy of problem-solving skills is not something medication will address. Individual counseling can help with the self esteem which certainly plays a part, but learning how to put a square peg in a square hole instead of slamming it into every hole there is until it works is something he (and a lot of these other men trained to be thoughtless meat bags) needs more than anything. Sorry I’m SO angry about a specific conflict earlier this afternoon so I know my tone is reflecting that but JFC i need help and yall are the last resource I have confidence in.
We’ve discussed weaponized incompetence, he clearly makes more effort on the specific tasks i highlight to him, but not enough progress globally.
TL;DR: Man refuses to think because his dad told him that’s dumb and extra work. Resources used to teach critical thinking skills to children please. I dont want to leave him but might need to if nothing helps.

So last night my new boyfriend came over we will call him John and we had a lovely dinner I made and I was so surprised Max my German shepherd was a very good boy bring nice I guess he could tell I liked him. I was wearing a slutty little black dress with a red thong that didn't stay on long, after dinner we sat on the sofa talking and I told him all about my animal loving history and I mean every from when I started to now and he was loving it tell me I was his dream girl he loved that I love being a bitch and having giving my love to dogs and told me never to stop and that he hopes to just join into my relationship with animals as a loving partner and when he said that he kissed me and that turned into hot dirty messy sex he's cock is very large around 10 inches and thick very blessed he's about the same size as max not as thick as Max's knot but still very nice and he loved how loose my body was he's never been with a woman that could take his cock balls deep in there ass, pussy, and mouth with ease and had no problem with him going from my asshole to my mouth or putting my tongue into his asshole as I stroked his cock like I would a horse. It was a nasty delicious night as I was sucking on his cock after cumming inside my ass for the first time Max jumped up and wanted his turn and John spread my ass so Max had a clear shot for my pussy witch he took and that just made John's cock throb even harder in my mouth till he was balls deep down my throat, he loves my no gag reflex and loved how I was a drooling cum filled mess as Max knotted my pussy and filled me with his hot doggy seed John couldn't help himself cumming in my mouth a second big load of delicious cum in my mouth. After that we snuggled the 3 of use for a bit chating and just being close with each other relaxing till the hot smell of John's cock was to much for me to take anymore and I got on my knees like a good bitch and started to lick his balls and cock every delicious inches of him, a big plus got John is that he's a Naturalist like me never using soaps when washing so his nature smell and Manly muck was intoxicating like a animal in heat I couldn't get enough of him he always smelled good but now naked and all hot and sweaty it was to much for me, I was get wet just from his smell and he could 100% tell I loved it asking me if I liked his dirty cock and watching my drooling on him like an animal myself, the second he was starting to get hard I got up and let his throbbing cock slide into my cum filled vagina using Max's cum as lube and I rode hid cock like an animal as he held my little breasts sucking on my hard nipples and I milked another load out of him deep into my vagina and I orgasmed so hard I squirted like a waterfall falling onto his big strong chest. He held me as he's cock relaxed inside me still pretty large even soft and he layed me down only pulling out to lay next to me and kiss me as Max layed between my legs cleaning my vagina and must of passed out because I woke up to my alarm and John made me breakfast so of course before he had to leave for work I sucked him off and got ready for work myself I can't wait to have him over this weekend and hopefully have a couple days to really show him what a good girl I can be for him he said he want to take me out shopping and spoil me I've never had a man want me like him and also he want to let Max meet his dog so hopefully we can have a great 4some one day I know I'm so in love already 😍🥰

So this is a really tough one for me and it’s going to be a long post!
I’ve been friends with my flatmate for about 3 years now. We met because we lived in the same uni halls in first year and have been living together again for about 9 months now. In first year I noticed whenever he’d come into my room my blanket he’d sit on would reek when he left, and sometimes I noticed the smell on him outright. But we always did laundry together so I knew he washed his clothes and no one else said anything about the smell. He was freshly 18 too so had new freedom when it came to buying alcohol, and often would take it too far when drinking, but nothing too crazy for a first year.
We didn’t live together during second year so I didn’t notice any smells or bad hygiene habits, but it was then his drinking picked up a bit since he started working in a bar. Then towards the end of the year he got a job in a different pub, which is where his drinking has taken a turn for the worst. He drinks heavily nearly every day because after the pub shuts at half midnight, they all go out to bars and casinos to drink until they shut. He often doesn’t come home until 6 in the morning and then doesn’t get up until the afternoon when he goes to work again. On his days off, he goes to the pub he works at to drink. At home, he’ll crack open beers or ciders. I barely see him but when I do, he manages to bring up drinking and alcohol in every conversation. I’m so worried about his physical and mental health, but when I have tried to mention my concerns in the past he’s obviously been defensive and not listened at all.
I also can’t stand to physically be around him because of the way he smells. Like I said, there’s always been a smell around him but it’s at the point where I have to hide myself gagging when he comes into the room. Since living with him again, the only time he has ever used the washing machine is when I told him to wash the mattress protector before we left our last flat. He rarely showers either. His room is constantly a mess with the dirty plates and glasses, bin bags full of rubbish on the floor, and clothes covering the floor. He also has never helped with any of the housework which makes me really frustrated and angry. Before we left our last flat, which was owned by my other friend, he was going to leave his room stinking, unhoovered, and with dried sick on the floor and bed which was a breaking point for me. I bought more cleaning supplies and told him to get it cleaned by the next day.
All of my friends and my boyfriend have all commented on how much he smells and I feel like I can’t have anyone over because of how embarrassed I am about the smell. I try to cover it up in the hallway outside his room with air freshener balls and neutradol on the carpet but it persists.
My issue is that I don’t know how to approach him about these issues without offending him or upsetting him because at the end of the day he’s my friend but these issues and his lack of change have made me resent him somewhat. None of his other friends are concerned about his drinking or hygiene habits, in fact most of them encourage his downright alcoholic behaviour so I don’t feel I can turn to them for any help talking to him about it all. Any advice on how I can talk to him about all of this would be greatly appreciated!

(f20) fell for my Id boyfriend it took awhile for us to meet so we got really close and i fell for him otp. The first time we met irl i still felt the same but about the 4th I started to get really turned off. Currently he's s staying with me for a month and I'm noticing alot of things I dislike but aren't necessarily bad.. he's a lot more "feminine" then what l'm use to or what I prefer. His breath has been smelling terrible everyday so it's hard want to be intimate with him (i told him).. in general he's just been kinda of dirty I am kind of a neat freak so maybe it's just me.. I haven't been enjoying him sharing my space with me.. in general I feel like when I got to experience him irl I don't really "enjoy" him or feel the same. I feel bad for wanting him to go home early and I feel like it would make me a horrible person

I(f20) fell for my ld boyfriend it took awhile for us to meet so we got really close and i fell for him otp. The first time we met irl i still felt the same but about the 4th I started to get really turned off. Currently he's s staying with me for a month and i'm noticing alot of things I dislike but aren't necessarily bad.. he's a lot more "feminine" then what I'm use to or what I prefer. This breath has been smelling terrible everyday so it's hard want to be intimate with him(I told him).. in general he's just been kinda of dirty I am kind of a neat freak so maybe it's just me.. I haven't been enjoying him sharing my space with me.. in general I feel like when I got to experience him irl I don't really "enjoy" him or feel the same. I feel bad for wanting him to go home early and I feel like it would make me a horrible person

For the poems question on Lit 1, how important is the context, as when comparing The Manhunt to Valentine, I spoke saying it was Carol Ann Duffy's boyfriend rather then girlfriend. Would this loose many marks?.

I met my twin flame in August. She had a boyfriend, and was moving to New York with him in December. But as soon as we were in the same room our eyes were locked onto each other, and we magnetized to each other until she ended the romance because she was moving to New York with him and I cut off all contact because I knew I could never be "friends" with the person I wanted spend my life with. So while she was the one that asked me to stop bringing her flowers, poems, and gifts, I am the one that said don't text or contact each other well never speak again. Sometimes I regret saying that but it felt like it was the right thing to say then so oh well.
Now it has been 6 months (we stopped talking in November). I am still just as in love with her now as I was then. I reject every girl that comes into my life because they don't compare (if I found someone who made me feel this way I would date them, but nobody has). It feels like the universe has not brought me a new person, but also not letting me move on. I think about her constantly. Dream about her. I still make gifts for her and dedicate artwork and all of my accomplishments to her. I know what I want.
My question is this. What do I do? I have paid attention to the twin flame journey. I am in therapy. I am focusing on improving myself and healing. I am looking inside and understanding who I am and how I relate to the world. But that doesn't change the fact that she is the girl I love and I want to be with her. I could reach out to her. I don't think I would change her mind (we have been no contact since November 28). She seems to have dived deeper into the 3d to avoid acknowledging the connection we share. So I know better than to think I can change that. But I hate this feeling of no agency, of being powerless and dreaming of a reconnection.
I want to surrender. i read about the people who have and I'm jealous. I've tried to surrender actively and passively. I ground myself in nature and try to reconnect with my inner child. But I feel completely powerless because this need for her almost feels like its happening to me. I fear that I will never move on. I know that I will either move on, she will come back, or I wont move on. I hope that she comes back. Does it make sense to not try to reconnect and just let her be? Does it make sense to never reach out and let her come back to me only? I feel very overwhelmed and like I don't have the tools to ever make sense of what happened to me in the fall.
TLDR: I have been 6 months no contact with my TF, and am considering reaching out just to tell her I still feel the same way. That feels like a lack of self respect. Looking for guidance on how to move forward.

I remember being 12 and looking up unclaimed bodies around my area because I called my dad for 2 years straight and he never picked up.
My mother used to tell me that I’m worthless anytime I did something that she didn’t agree with. It could be over the stupidest things too. She was always deliberately cruel.
Like when my job promoted me to another store, and I was bragging to her about my accomplishments, she said “they’re just doing that to get rid of you. Nobody likes you”.
I’m turning 24 soon and it just sort of hit me that I could never be like either of them. It’s hard to be a good parent, but it’s not that hard to just be an ok one.
I want to reconnect with them so bad, because what am I doing that’s so bad that I don’t deserve parents?? I never argued with them as a kid/teenager. I never drank/smoke/ snuck out or talked back to them. I got excellent grades in school. But it’s like I got dealt a shitty hand.
I got a job at 16 and i was apparently deemed good enough to parent myself. My mom stopped grocery shopping so I had to spend my paycheck to buy groceries/food and then when I got home she would yell at me for hours because I didn’t “get the right food” and I must hate her because I didn’t buy the organic stuff she wanted. But I was only working part-time at a restaurant for $9 an hour and couldn’t afford it. She also gave me $600 a month bill that was also my responsibility with the rest of my paycheck.
Or when I graduated high school and needed to go college, she wouldn’t fill my Fafsa out (she did the same thing to my brother and he had to drop out and go to community college) and kept pushing it back. I had to get a 2nd job to pay my tuition, so I was going to school full-time, and then had a full-time and part-time job.
She figured out the days I got paid, and would drive me to a check cashing place and take most of my money. I couldn’t keep that life up of working 12+ hour days every day and flunked out of my college. I reenrolled in my local community college, but I was just so lost that I ended up quitting.
She brought a new house when I was in college that had a run-down in law suite. She told me if I fixed it I could live in there and pay rent and have some more privacy. I worked extra hours and got a 3rd job, found a plumber and electrician, and would spend hours every week to fix the place, and wouldn’t you know it as soon as I was done she sold the property and took all the profit. She did the same thing to a broken down car that she had, I paid $4k to take it to a mechanic and when we got it back, she “never said that” and still drives that car to this day.
When we were moving (again) i decided to just get an apartment with my boyfriend because I was getting sick and tired of being used. She found out and hid the leasing information that I got from a complex, and guilt tripped me by saying she wouldn’t be able to afford things on just her paycheck and would starve. So I quit looking, just for her to scream at me a week later that I was a useless burden and that I was the one financially abusing her.
So I packed my bags, slept on the dirty floor of my boyfriend’s parents trailer for 2 weeks, got a round of the stimulus checks, and moved out to our own apartment. When I went back to her place to pack the last of my stuff she was snatching things out of my hand, threw my boyfriend’s laptop and tried to choke him/throw him out.I pushed her away from him and she told the family that we both were hitting her, so they don’t talk to me anymore. She was also insulting him for his family bring poor, and making fun of his dead grandmother.
And as I’m getting older and my prefrontal cortex is developing I just don’t understand them. I can understand hurtful things being said in the moment, but to continually be like that means you are making a conscious effort to be a terrible person.
But I miss them so much. I want a mom to talk to about my day and complain about my co-workers with. I want to watch movies at her place again and eat junk food. But she doesn’t deserve it, and I feel like I do. I don’t know what to do.
I think the worst part is that I’m actually my mother’s favorite. She treated my brothers worse and when I complain about her, they’re quick to bring that up and dismiss my feelings.
There’s plenty of more terrible and down right weird things that she does not just to me.
Like she kicked my brother out when he was 15 and he went to one of my aunts for help, and she dragged him out of their house and told him to live on the streets and “never go to her family for help, because it’s her family not his” which 🤦🏿‍♀️
Or Like she used to beat me and my brothers with electric wires as a kid. Or recently, she was renting out one of our old homes and my partner and I moved in and we were paying MORE THAN market rent. And she forced us to move out after only 6 weeks because I said no to helping her on a side project because I was busy. But I “owed her” because she could’ve “charged me more”.
Which I should’ve known it would end this way honestly. But like omg let me catch a break.
My parents are divorced and my father lives in a different city. He only calls me when he needs something and honestly I have stopped answering.
I’m not sure what to do. Advice?
Edit: besides all the debt from moving 3x in one year because she kicked us out (and the student loans), I’m not doing too bad.
TL;DR: my parent’s are terrible, I still want a relationship with them.

I remember being 12 and looking up unclaimed bodies around my area because I called my dad for 2 years straight and he never picked up.
My mother used to tell me that I’m worthless anytime I did something that she didn’t agree with. It could be over the stupidest things too. She was always deliberately cruel.
Like when my job promoted me to another store, and I was bragging to her about my accomplishments, she said “they’re just doing that to get rid of you. Nobody likes you”.
I’m turning 24 soon and it just sort of hit me that I could never be like either of them. It’s hard to be a good parent, but it’s not that hard to just be an ok one.
I want to reconnect with them so bad, because what am I doing that’s so bad that I don’t deserve parents?? I never argued with them as a kid/teenager. I never drank/smoke/ snuck out or talked back to them. I got excellent grades in school. But it’s like I got dealt a shitty hand.
I got a job at 16 and i was apparently deemed good enough to parent myself. My mom stopped grocery shopping so I had to spend my paycheck to buy groceries/food and then when I got home she would yell at me for hours because I didn’t “get the right food” and I must hate her because I didn’t buy the organic stuff she wanted. But I was only working part-time at a restaurant for $9 an hour and couldn’t afford it. She also gave me $600 a month bill that was also my responsibility with the rest of my paycheck.
Or when I graduated high school and needed to go college, she wouldn’t fill my Fafsa out (she did the same thing to my brother and he had to drop out and go to community college) and kept pushing it back. I had to get a 2nd job to pay my tuition, so I was going to school full-time, and then had a full-time and part-time job.
She figured out the days I got paid, and would drive me to a check cashing place and take most of my money. I couldn’t keep that life up of working 12+ hour days every day and flunked out of my college. I reenrolled in my local community college, but I was just so lost that I ended up quitting.
She brought a new house when I was in college that had a run-down in law suite. She told me if I fixed it I could live in there and pay rent and have some more privacy. I worked extra hours and got a 3rd job, found a plumber and electrician, and would spend hours every week to fix the place, and wouldn’t you know it as soon as I was done she sold the property and took all the profit. She did the same thing to a broken down car that she had, I paid $4k to take it to a mechanic and when we got it back, she “never said that” and still drives that car to this day.
When we were moving (again) i decided to just get an apartment with my boyfriend because I was getting sick and tired of being used. She found out and hid the leasing information that I got from a complex, and guilt tripped me by saying she wouldn’t be able to afford things on just her paycheck and would starve. So I quit looking, just for her to scream at me a week later that I was a useless burden and that I was the one financially abusing her.
So I packed my bags, slept on the dirty floor of my boyfriend’s parents trailer for 2 weeks, got a round of the stimulus checks, and moved out to our own apartment. When I went back to her place to pack the last of my stuff she was snatching things out of my hand, threw my boyfriend’s laptop and tried to choke him/throw him out.I pushed her away from him and she told the family that we both were hitting her, so they don’t talk to me anymore. She was also insulting him for his family bring poor, and making fun of his dead grandmother.
And as I’m getting older and my prefrontal cortex is developing I just don’t understand them. I can understand hurtful things being said in the moment, but to continually be like that means you are making a conscious effort to be a terrible person.
But I miss them so much. I want a mom to talk to about my day and complain about my co-workers with. I want to watch movies at her place again and eat junk food. But she doesn’t deserve it, and I feel like I do. I don’t know what to do.
There’s plenty of more terrible and down right weird things that she does. Like she used to beat me and my brothers with electric wires as a kid. Or recently, she was renting out one of our old homes and my partner and I moved in and we were paying MORE THAN market rent. And she forced us to move out after only 6 weeks because I said no to helping her on a side project because I was busy. But I “owed her” because she could’ve “charged me more”.
Which I should’ve known it would end this way honestly.
My parents are divorced and my father lives in a different city. He only calls me when he needs something and honestly I have stopped answering.
I’m not sure what to do. Advice?

So my boyfriend seems to think that I am a weirdo about food, here’s a list of my quirks:

1. I refuse to eat chicken or other poultry unless its cooked to like 180, and I have to see the thermometer. -this one doesn’t apply to fried chicken in restaurants for some reason
   
2. All fish and meat I eat HAS to be scorching hot when its put on my plate or I will barely touch it (even if I know it was cooked to temp)
   
3. If leftovers have been in my fridge for more than two days I will not eat them, might as well throw them out.
   
4. I sanitize my whole kitchen after cooking with any type of raw meat. Its definitely overkill with the bleach.
   
5. If I’m at a restaurant and I see anything that is dirty or doesn’t seem right I get the ick immediately and won’t eat anything.
   
6. I hate getting ice in my drinks at restaurants because I have a fear that every ice machine has mold. The only places I get ice is places where I or someone I know has worked and can testify that it’s cleaned regularly.
   

The only thing that contradicts this that I do is with steak, I like my steak rare or medium rare. BUT it still has to meet the scorching hot rule.

Edit: If you are going to comment on the length of this post, please don't. This is not a simple snark but rather an actual critical think piece about feminism and Taylor Swift.

Introduction

Pertaining to Taylor Swift, "Female Rage" has deviated from its intended meaning after Swift debuted a new performance of The Tortured Poets Department during the Eras Tour. Now, according to Swift's use of the phrase, female rage is interpreted as public backlash against Swift's dating choices rather than as a response to the broader injustices against women and women's rights. This post examines Taylor Swift's flawed feminism, philanthropy, branding, and the controversial trademark petition for the phrase "Female Rage: The Musical". Swift's background as an entertainer, indeterminate politics, and alignment with capitalism over feminism pervades her legacy, again threatening her public tolerance as not just an individual but as a brand.

Once Upon a Female Rage...

If you were cognizant in the early 2010's, you've heard countless jabs at Taylor Swift in the media. Magazines, radio, or online. Music critics did not take her seriously as a songwriter; parents put a woman on an unrealistic pedestal as the ideal role model for their children; she dated too much and used men as lyrical fodder. No matter the story, it inevitably spread, conjoined with everyone's respective opinions, and you'd be left to wonder, "Why does everyone hate this girl so much?"
Taylor's target demographic has always been young or adolescent girls, more so when Swift herself was one. She made music that spoke to the awkward misfit, cultivating a para-social relationship with fans on MySpace, then later twitter, Instagram, and YouTube, where Taylor posted relatable vlogs showcasing the life of a homegrown American girl. Taylor had a delayed public "growing up" and, compared to her female pop contemporaries, Swift never "gratuitously sexualized her image and seems pathologically averse to controversy" (and, apparently, never even had a sip of alcohol until she turned 21). She was more than happy to spin this narrative to allude to an inherent moral superiority above other women in the industry (Better Than Revenge, heard of it?), engaging in the very slut-shaming that she herself endured (the Madonna and Whore archetypes). The victim complex arose with the need to prove Taylor as a different type of pop girl. Based upon her holy and clean image, Swift had been dubbed "a feminist's nightmare", and that "[To Swift] other girls are obstacles; undeserving enemies who steal Taylor’s soulmates with their bewitching good looks and sexual availability." Feminism and Tennessee-Christian country values don't exactly mix, it seems.
Years later, Swift befriended Lena Dunham and thus experienced white feminism osmosis, where Dunham taught Swift that real feminists defend rapists, makes insensitive jokes about rape and abortion, and prioritize all-white casts. Swift then declared herself a feminist in 2014, saying,

"Becoming friends with Lena – without her preaching to me, but just seeing why she believes what she believes, why she says what she says, why she stands for what she stands for – has made me realize that I’ve been taking a feminist stance without actually saying so."

I suppose the male-centric songwriting subject that permeates Swift's discography contained covert feminism and that we just didn't see that. Perhaps, the "Bad Blood" song and music video were written only in jest and not about poor Katy Perry, for Swift, as a feminist, would "never make it a girl fight" or tear other women down (though all Katy did was date your terrible ex-boyfriend and allegedly steal three backup dancers from your tour). In 2013, Swift said, in response to Tina Fey and Amy Poehler's joke towards her serial dating, "There is a special place in hell for women who don't help other women."
There was that time in 2015 Taylor said that Nicki Minaj was "invited to any stage [she is] on" (as if Taylor expects to have access to every stage, award, and platform that Nicki might not otherwise have as a black female artist...yikes!) in response to Nicki's criticism of the white + thin VMA nominations. Later, Nicki responded with confusion, as Swift continued, "It’s unlike you to pit women against each other. Maybe one of the men took your slot..". Of course, this 'beef' was 'squashed' when Nicki performed with Taylor at the VMAs, with Nicki quite literally only having 38 seconds of stage time without Taylor. Maybe all that parading around with a legion of famous white women - similar to the way Taylor might've done with her numerous 1989-era handbags - was in fact a stance against gender inequality, and that this display of "girl power" should be enough to constitute Swift as a feminist icon.
Even while Swift says that Dunham informed her feminist outlook, she dances around the exact contents of those beliefs: "what she believes, what she says, what she stands for" is not exactly insightful towards what beliefs Swift might have inherited. Taylor never broaches women's rights topics such femicide, FGM, forced pregnancy & marriage, sex trafficking, women in slavery, women's financial and political oppression, women's educational rights, women's health, or women's autonomy, so we can assume she only gives a fuck about "girls supporting girls" (whatever that fucking means).
Despite some questionable (and sometimes vindictive) behavior, Taylor as a young woman did not deserve every media lashing that she received. We cannot deny that most headlines and criticisms perpetuated a misogynistic rhetoric which has plagued Swift for a majority of her career. Acknowledging events such as the development of her ED, her sexual assault trial, "Famous" lyric and MV depiction of Taylor, and the explicit Twitter deepfakes, for example, as both disgusting and unfortunate things that happened to a young woman in Hollywood does not negate the fact that Taylor is mostly a performative feminist.

Get Your Fucking Ass Up and Be a Philanthropist, It Seems Like Nobody Wants to Be a Philanthropist These Days

In 2013, Taylor Swift cut the ribbon at the grand opening of the Taylor Swift Education Center at the Country Music Hall of Fame in Nashville, Tennessee. The donation amount - $4 million - was the largest individual artist gift ever donated to the Country Music Hall of Fame, which is, of course, mentioned on Swift's website. The two-story facility features three classrooms, an instrument room, and an interactive children's exhibit gallery. Swift also performed at "All for the Hall" charity shows and has donated numerous artifacts from her career (such as notable guitars, tour costumes, etc) to the museum.
This was over 11 years ago, and it is still the only notable philanthropic contribution Taylor Swift has made.
For a woman of her net worth and stature, and a woman who recognizes the difficulties for women in film and music, you would think that Taylor Swift might establish a scholarship program for women to study the arts or something. Perhaps Swift might even consider becoming a member of organizations that support female artists, or one that supports LGBTQ+ causes (since she is now proudly an ally), yet she remains superficial with her graces. Broader philanthropy, such as donating relief aid to Palestinian women or women impacted by violence and discrimination will probably never receive any financial support from Miss Swift because then she'd be using her money towards philanthropies involving anyone but white entertainers.
She even says herself in Miss Americana, "My entire moral code as a kid and now is a need to be thought of as 'good'." Well, she's certainly thought of as good, though her actions say otherwise. She's more than happy to do a vaguely altruistic song and dance for a clip-worthy interview quote and mass appeasement, then fuck off to one of her mansions on a 20 minute private jet flight, rather than actually contribute to anything pertaining to the causes she has endorsed. Yet, far too many people continue to give a woman such as her their money, time, and energy, and she hoards these resources to herself.

I Like Some of the Taylor's Songs, But What the Fuck Does She Know About Feminism?

Swift continued with her self-proclaimed feminist campaign, positioning herself as a political activist and LGBTQ+ ally in the Miss Americana documentary. The primary focus of the documentary consists of the sexual assault trial, Andrea Swift's cancer diagnosis, Taylor's ED and body dysmorphia, media scrutiny, and, largely, finally speaking up about her politics publicly, mostly her opposition to the 2018 Tennessee Republican senate candidate, Marsha Blackburn, and Blackburn's beliefs. Swift says, following a scene discussing her experience during the trial,

"I just couldn't really stop thinking about it. And I just thought to myself, next time there is any opportunity to change anything, you had better know what you stand for and what you want to say."

We must ask ourselves, though: when has Swift ever spoken up to change anything? Okay, pulling her entire catalogue from Spotify because they didn't pay their artists enough and similarly pulling her catalogue from Apple Music are changes that she leveraged due to her revenue potential and power, but they are not pertinent to the average woman's rights. Moreover, these are issues that directly impacted Taylor's income, which was enough reason for her to protest in the first place. Swift has sold the most units for a female artist in first week sales, is the first female artist with 100k monthly Spotify listeners, is the first female artist to win the Album of the Year Grammy 4 times, and is the first female artist to do X, Y, and Z, all while being inoffensive and family-friendly to boot. The actual Taylor Swift seems unwilling to compromise the brand of Taylor Swift by contributing in meaningful ways to feminist causes, especially if it is for women outside of America and Hollywood.
The reason political anthems such as "The Man" and "Only the Young" of the Lover era feel disingenuous and corporate is because, well, it is. Taylor has taken every opportunity to advance her career or public image at the expense of other women. What is truly genuine to Taylor's outlook on other women is vying for male attention, taking down female competition, and vocalizing feminist injustices only if they directly impact her and her money. Some will argue that it's satisfactory for a woman with such a huge platform to even TALK about feminism, but that just isn't enough. It's even less impressive when you candidly look at the scope of her feminist lens: "If I was the man, then I'd be THE MAN", or "I really resent the ‘Be careful, buddy, she’s going to write a song about you’ angle, because it trivialises what I do", and, of course, "We all got crowns". Feminism, but only when it happens to me. It gets worse when you look at Taylor's track record of copying other famous women and removing other female artists as potential threats to her pop prowess.
It's good for PR to align yourself with certain blanket feminist and political beliefs, therefore good for branding, therefore good for ticketing and merchandise sales, therefore good for business. And Taylor Swift is a business.
She's not a feminist. Taylor Swift is a capitalist.

I Can't Pay Those Sweatshop Workers a Livable Wage or Benefits! How Else Would I Make My Billions?

Recently, Taylor's team filed to trademark the phrase "Female Rage: The Musical" after Taylor said during Paris N1 of the Eras Tour,

"So you were the first ones to see The Tortured Poets at the Eras Tour...or as I like to call it, 'Female Rage: The Musical'."

This trademark petition was filed last week on Saturday, and news comes about just as numerous unofficial fan-made merch designs have cropped up with this phrase plastered on Fruit of the Loom basics. I'm of the opinion Swift's team motioned for a trademark so that they can send out cease & desists to all those that make knockoff merch, which disrupts potential sales for Bravado, UMG's choice merchandising company; however, since it was filed earlier, perhaps Swift has bigger plans with the bizarre use of the gendered phrase. One Swiftie referred to the phrase "female rage" as "a funny Eras Tour joke". Could it be a possible fourth version of the Eras Tour Movie? Whatever the reason, the motion to capitalize off of such a concept is disgusting, but not unsurprising, for a woman that profits on her vain feminism.
Swift, through her company, TAS Rights Managements, has also trademarked over 200 phrases, including "1989", where she owns the property rights to this calendar year on keychains, phone cases, sunglasses, stationary, bags, beverage ware, clothing, entertainment services, your subconscious, and, of course, Christmas ornaments.
The vapid consumerism in Swiftie culture is, frankly, disgusting. Bravado's sustainability statement is non-existent, the quality control is abysmal, and the materials they use are horrible. The materials, such as acrylic and polyester, are made from petrochemicals. This means they are non-renewable, shed microplastics, and are quite toxic in production. The manufacturing process to make all of those lazy-rushed Eras Tour logo graphic tees is a huge blow to environmental well-being. Apparently, though, Swifties don't give a fuck. They sell out products in seconds and either have to face the manufactured scarcity or buy from a scalper that resells for 200% of the already ridiculous retail price. This doesn't include the environmental impact of vinyl records, CD, and cassette production, of which Taylor produces many variants that sell unsustainable amounts.
If we're talking about women's rights violations, why is no one acknowledging the women that work in the inhumane sweatshop conditions that have to pump out fugly t-shirts and hats? The millions of plastic microfiber dander they are inhaling, or the toxic dyes that touch their bare skin? Are they being compensated fairly for their skilled labour and are they in safe working environments? Do these women have minimal bargaining power, and do they have authority over their worker's rights? Is Taylor Swift female raging at their injustices? Does Taylor Swift ever feels bad that her wealth was built on the backs of women of color, disadvantaged by the demands of the global economy and garment industry? Do you think she ever says a little white feminist prayer for them before she goes to sleep at night?
What's even crazier is not that Taylor herself doesn't care, it's that Swifties don't care. There CANNOT BE ethical billionaires. You only make a billion dollars if you are exploiting other human beings for capital gain. Based on public perception of the possible "Female Rage: The Musical" trademark, it seems like Swifties are already asking for merch with this phrase. "If Taylor made it, I'd buy it." Oh, cool. So not only do you champion Miss Swift's avarice and billionaire status, but you also are unashamed to admit to your blind consumption of her music and merchandise, no matter where they might originate in production or sincerity. Just as Swift takes and takes and takes, Swifties' consumerism of Taylor Swift cannot be quelled.
The tortured artist's most vulnerable and sincere poetry...available now in 21 different versions!

I Am Tortured Poet, Hear Me Whinge

Look - even if Taylor's intention is to characterize TTPD as more "tortured" and "angry", the main thread of the album is "I was ghosted by my decade-long situationship with a controversial indie boy and my fucking stupid fans wrote a 'Speak Up Now' open letter prompting me to drop him" anger, which is adequately expressed in the lyrics and performances. The extent of Taylor's "female rage" on TTPD is on tracks such as "Who's Afraid of Little Old Me?", which contends with relentless media scrutiny; "But Daddy I Love Him", where Swift firmly states she'll date whoever she likes no matter how "Sarahs and Hannahs" may react; and "The Albatross", a track mythologizing her reputation and the consequences of dating her. Of course, these coincide with deep psychological wounds that formed during Swift's early years in the media, and so, from her feminist perspective, these subjects tackle the misogyny and double standards that she faced.
Yet Taylor Swift still has no grounds to be claiming that TTPD best exemplifies female rage and therefore she, in the context of this album, is female rage incarnate. As the daughter of a stock broker and mutual fund marketing executive, Taylor was born into wealth and allowed privileges like trips and subsequent relocation to Nashville all so that she might get a record deal. Her father even invested at least $120,000 into the then-fledgling label, Big Machine Records, which ensured Taylor's place with Borchetta after leaving her dead-end development deal with Sony. The fact that her parents were able to buy her a fucking brand new guitar for Christmas and pay for music lessons says so much about the financial security and safety of her childhood.
Money is privilege and protection, and despite Swift's experiences with misogyny and loser boyfriends, she does not know what female rage is.
Her rage is derived from her frustrations with her obsessive fans pulling the moral superiority card on Taylor in response to her rebound with Matty Healy. That's literally it. She's just pissed that the monster she created is no longer obediant, it's become a feral, sovereign entity that depletes the world of its natural resources and thinks it is more intelligent than it actually is because it's mommy has started to talk to it with big words. Apparently, 'illicit', 'elegy', 'nonchalant', and 'precocious' are considerably big words for the oafish monster, and I find it strange that this level of literacy is present in a group of fans that allegedly have GPAs of 3.5 or higher, but I digress.
Taylor Swift has never been one paycheck away from destitution. Taylor Swift has never experienced racial discrimination. She may have instances of gender discrimination, but she possesses the ideal white, blonde American beauty standard and therefore reaps the benefits of being a conventionally attractive woman. Taylor Swift has sufficient social capital. Taylor Swift is a billionaire woman prolonging her victimhood though she, as a woman, has mostly had control over her image and music (unlike her contemporaries). Taylor Swift is NOT entitled to be championed for her "female rage", nor should she be. Taylor Swift has never even been the struggling artist, for fuck's sake. I don't give a fuck if she's trying to fill the empty lunch tables of her past. Taylor Swift purporting herself, her unpolished album, and her lukewarm feminism as a musical bleeding with female rage is asinine.

Sigh Try and Come For My Job, Poors

Out there in the world right now is a 23-year-old woman, a recent college grad, who works as a barista. She has to wake up and get ready to go into a minimum wage job because she cannot get a job in her field. She doesn't have healthcare benefits or sick time, so she has to go into work no matter how she's feeling. All day long she is berated by vicious customers and creepy men, and, exhausted from being on her feet, she knows she has to go home to her shitty roommate that never does the dishes and her roommate's shitty dog. To comfort herself, she considers getting a treat, but thinks against it when she remembers that matcha lattes cost $15 and they taste like milky dirt. She knows that she needs to buy groceries this week, and so the woman resolves to go home, but notices that her gas tank is low. She goes to put gas in the car, but the pump stops at $27.86 because that's all that she has in her checking account. The woman, bereft and reeling, sinks into the driver's seat. "Well," she thinks, her head in her hands, "at least I don't have Taylor Swift's job. I just couldn't imagine."
Fame is somewhat of a choice. If at any moment Taylor feels that she is misunderstood, misconstrued, or overwhelmed by public opinion, she can LEAVE the public eye - Lord knows she has the retirement fund and residuals to do so. In "I Can Do It With a Broken Heart", the TTPD song about meeting the demands of your career-zenith mega-tour while in the relationship trenches, Taylor ends the song by rambling,

"You know you're good when you can even do it with a broken heart...you know you're good...and I'm good, cause I'm miserable, and no one even knows!...try and come for my job."

Yeah, obviously we wouldn't know, you recently passed the billionaire threshold and are the most famous and in-demand performer in the world right now. Taylor Swift makes an estimated $10 to $13 million dollars A NIGHT on the Eras Tour. Furthermore, the Eras Tour movie grossed $261.6 million globally, (which, as the producer, Taylor takes home 57% of the ticket sales) not counting the streaming revenue from Amazon Prime Video and the estimated $75 million deal that Disney paid to have it on Disney+. We're not even considering the income from cheap plastic popcorn buckets and drink cups plastered with colored squares in her Era-specific likeness.
It's funny. Taylor Swift often said that being famous wasn't hard, that she "isn't complaining". I'm sure it is difficult to always have to present in a good mood, else you'll end up misrepresented in the media, and I'm sure it's invasive to virtually have no privacy or semblance of anonymity. Still, Taylor Swift shows up each night of tour and performs. For a majority of her career, she has penned her sad songs while on the road. Most of "Red", her breakup album, was written in the thick of the Speak Now World tour. Now, some Swifties say they almost "feel bad" for attending the Eras Tour with Swift's revelations in this song, that they have had a 'dimmed experience' upon hearing Taylor's misery whilst performing. Despite the fact that Taylor said that "this was the happiest she's ever been" at Gilette Stadium in May, the lyrics "boohoo, woe is me, smile for the cameras and make the fans happy!!!" are jarring for Eras attendees.
While Taylor Swift was making double-digit millions a night in Rio de Janeiro, Brazil and feeling miserable, Ana Clara Benevides Machado passed away due to heat exposure. The concert promoters, Time For Fun, are now the subject of a criminal investigation due to their lack of adequate hydration and safety. Taylor Swift cancelled the Sunday show that was to follow and offered VIP tent tickets to Benevides Marchado's family, which was a kind gesture, but perhaps incongruous to the incident of which they were offered as consolation. Everyone grieves differently, of course, but I'm not sure attending the very show at the very same venue that my daughter or sister passed away in two days prior, where the singer CONTINUED the show despite her death, would be healthy for closure.
There was no female rage at the show as Swift never saw Benevides Machado pass out. There was no female rage towards the disregard for fans as humans while Swift elected to proceed with her Brazil tour dates despite the country being in historic heatwaves (at risk of overheatting herself). If Taylor Swift was so shaken by touring with a broken heart or a fan's passing, she wouldn't have added an additional North American leg of Eras just two months after the Matty breakup. She's brokenhearted but willing to mend the cracks with your money and move onward with her worldwide female rage induced pillaging.
No matter what happens, even if you die at a Taylor Swift concert, Taylor collects a big fat check and flies away. She doesn't know you as anything other than a conversion rate or earning potential despite what her nearly 20-year long parasocial relationship with fans might otherwise indicate. She knows that, while some Swifties are without disposable income, they feel obligated to spend on a "48 Hours Only!" exclusive vinyl variant instead of necessities because they are so entrenched in Taylor Swift's intoxicating celebrity, they'll prioritize materialistic fandom before their needs. This is good enough for her because this means she can expand her real estate portfolio and finance her cat's lavish lifestyles. They're worth an estimated $100 million dollars. Her three cats could pool their net worth and solve world hunger.
While you and I might be denied bereavement leave and barely surviving the current political and economic climate, Taylor Swift has to, instead of gets to, perform for stadiums at full attendance for three nights in a row across the globe. You and I might be replaced by AI at our longtime jobs, but Taylor Swift is threatened with losing more and more money each time you listen to a "Stolen Version" of her songs. If we don't buy every variant of all of her albums, then who is going to pay for the fucking cats?
It is tone deaf to spend as she spends and lives as she lives in this economy, but this is her reality. She was able to donate $100,000 to all of her tour truck drivers, and that's wonderful, but it leads me to wonder about the ethos of the 2020s where one woman can hoard such life-changing amounts of money. Remember in 2014 when she gave a fan $90 ($120 in today's money) to get Chipotle because she had no fucking clue how much it cost? This is a 34-year-old woman who is increasingly out of touch with the reality for working class people and women in general. Normal everyday adults must wake up and go to their thankless jobs, and yet Taylor Swift, despite all her riches, incessantly references the lows of her life and career as a public figure and entertainer to farm sympathy and drive sales. And still, the corporate women have latched onto "I cry a lot, but I am so productive! It's an art!" as their cubicle battle cry.
Do you think that, from up in her private jet, Taylor Swift gazes at the world through her poetic, tortured eyes, and thinks, "All the little people, in their cars, walking, going about their lives...all those girls that don't support girls...do they know that I've made an album about female rage?"

Conclusion/TLDR

Thank you for reading. I would love to hear your critical insights towards this entire ordeal: TTPD, the trademark, the implications of it all.
TLDR: Taylor Swift is a bad feminist and is delusional to think that the TTPD eras set exemplifies female rage at women's injustice.

I am 30 weeks pregnant living with my boyfriend and his grandma, which is his mother figure in his life. They moved into this new house about 2 years ago because it was given to them after a family member passed, the two of them made an agreement that this house would be for him to put a mortgage down, set him up for the future , and that she would have a tiny home or trailer moved out onto the property or just completely move away. This was their plan before I ever came along.
I moved in a year ago after me and him got really serious, we want to really make this house a home and have a future together. I got off my birth control, however I was told it would take a good amount of time to get my cycle back in line and normal, but I got pregnant so fast. Which we are not unhappy about at all.
But it is now the end of the world for Gigi, his grandma. For months it has been nothing but a living hell. She has done everything in the book you can think of when it comes to in-laws from hell. My entire pregnancy she has ignored me, given me zero advice, fights with me over every small thing I do in the house trying to make this a baby safe space. It is only a 2 bedroom house, she has the master bedroom. Our plan has been to switch rooms because we have ZERO baby space in this other room, we didn't want to rush her into moving out because times are rough now of days, so to give her extra time I have been okay with sharing the master bedroom with our baby until that time comes. For months that has been the plan and she always seemed on board. But now. She refuses to finish cleaning her room and tells everyone that we are forcing her out, destroying her home, and getting rid of her stuff, when have done nothing but try to make it fair for her. Every time I clean any room in the house, she will go behind me and make a mess or undo shit I have done reorganizing. If I am alone with her, she whispers smart remarks about everything and anything, like about how she isn't allowed to do anything, for example she will grab a water bottle out of the fridge and ask if it is allowed to drink water in this house or she will just completely ignore my existence. She makes a fight about every small thing I do. If I close a curtain, she will come behind me and slam it open. If I move a dish in the cabinet, she will slam the cabinet doors and throw dishes around. She has woken me up many times slamming doors. Also she will hide the bills from us, lie about paying them, we have had a late fee charge so many times because of her. Even had the lights and water cut off. She will buy 2 of everything for only her and him. She has even stolen my makeup and clothes. She will pull my laundry out and throw it around. She will never clean up after herself, I am ALWAYS cleaning EVERYTHING, if I do not, it will not get done. And worse of worse she made my gender reveal all about her. Thats a long story but she ruined my party. And still till this day she hasn't asked me anything about the baby or shows that she even cares about me or my baby.
There is so much more, I could just go on forever. However when my boyfriend gets off work, she acts PERFECT. She never speaks to me directly still but she will act like she is the sweetest person around, acts like she could never do wrong and plays it off when he confronts her about the stuff I tell him.
My problem is, before I got pregnant, we all lived in harmony. Everything I do now was okay before. I'm a very shy, non confrontational person, and I dont have any family myself, so I'm not family understanding and for these 7 months, I've just stuck to myself and done my best to not stress out for my baby's sake. My health hasn't been great and I was ordered to be on leave for work at 5 months. We even have had a defect scare on our baby as well. I've just had faith and hope in my boyfriend to set things right with her, but now at 30 weeks, with no progress from her, her room still so dirty, while I have our room all packed up ready to switch, I'm losing hope. I am to the point of not wanting her around me or my baby at all. I stress so much having to do everything last minute, I just didn't want to not lose faith in my man , he takes care of me so well but now I'm lost. He loves this land and house, he wants to raise our family here and doesn't want to move, he loves his grandma and doesn't want to just kick her out with no where to go, but Gigi just shows to not care at all about my health or this baby and it breaks my heart. No matter how many sit down talks we have she manipulates the situation. I'm worried that I will go into labor early because of her honestly. My man hears my cries and tells her about all the health issues and everything but she will not stop. I try my best to ignore her and do what is best for me, but its SO hard now of days. I am now feeling distant from my man because he asks me what he can do, but in reality it seems like we either have to move out or really kick her out. But i dont want to put that onto him at all. But then again I feel I have been so understanding and supportive for these 7-8 months trying my hardest to ignore her, all I asked is that we dont have everything be done last minute and we just switch rooms. And now it feels as if Its all too late and I worry about the future when the baby comes.
Everyday I overthink and regret everything. I cry so much and I feel as if no one cares enough, I know my boyfriend cares so much. But how can he see it be like this? I dont know what I expect him to do... but there has to be more right? He tells me there are other pregnant moms out there dealing with much worse and I understand that SO much, but idk... I am just so tired of being unhappy and uncomfortable. I have a baby on the way, it should be a happy experience but its just not anymore and I hate it.
Any advice? Please share your thoughts or tips. Sorry its a book to read.

I am 30 weeks pregnant living with my boyfriend and his grandma, which is his mother figure in his life. They moved into this new house about 2 years ago because it was given to them after a family member passed, the two of them made an agreement that this house would be for him to put a mortgage down, set him up for the future , and that she would have a tiny home or trailer moved out onto the property or just completely move away. This was their plan before I ever came along.
I moved in a year ago after me and him got really serious, we want to really make this house a home and have a future together. I got off my birth control, however I was told it would take a good amount of time to get my cycle back in line and normal, but I got pregnant so fast. Which we are not unhappy about at all.
But it is now the end of the world for Gigi, his grandma. For months it has been nothing but a living hell. She has done everything in the book you can think of when it comes to in-laws from hell. My entire pregnancy she has ignored me, given me zero advice, fights with me over every small thing I do in the house trying to make this a baby safe space. It is only a 2 bedroom house, she has the master bedroom. Our plan has been to switch rooms because we have ZERO baby space in this other room, we didn't want to rush her into moving out because times are rough now of days, so to give her extra time I have been okay with sharing the master bedroom with our baby until that time comes. For months that has been the plan and she always seemed on board. But now. She refuses to finish cleaning her room and tells everyone that we are forcing her out, destroying her home, and getting rid of her stuff, when have done nothing but try to make it fair for her. Every time I clean any room in the house, she will go behind me and make a mess or undo shit I have done reorganizing. If I am alone with her, she whispers smart remarks about everything and anything, like about how she isn't allowed to do anything, for example she will grab a water bottle out of the fridge and ask if it is allowed to drink water in this house or she will just completely ignore my existence. She makes a fight about every small thing I do. If I close a curtain, she will come behind me and slam it open. If I move a dish in the cabinet, she will slam the cabinet doors and throw dishes around. She has woken me up many times slamming doors. Also she will hide the bills from us, lie about paying them, we have had a late fee charge so many times because of her. Even had the lights and water cut off. She will buy 2 of everything for only her and him. She has even stolen my makeup and clothes. She will pull my laundry out and throw it around. She will never clean up after herself, I am ALWAYS cleaning EVERYTHING, if I do not, it will not get done. And worse of worse she made my gender reveal all about her. Thats a long story but she ruined my party. And still till this day she hasn't asked me anything about the baby or shows that she even cares about me or my baby.
There is so much more, I could just go on forever. However when my boyfriend gets off work, she acts PERFECT. She never speaks to me directly still but she will act like she is the sweetest person around, acts like she could never do wrong and plays it off when he confronts her about the stuff I tell him.
My problem is, before I got pregnant, we all lived in harmony. Everything I do now was okay before. I'm a very shy, non confrontational person, and I dont have any family myself, so I'm not family understanding and for these 7 months, I've just stuck to myself and done my best to not stress out for my baby's sake. My health hasn't been great and I was ordered to be on leave for work at 5 months. We even have had a defect scare on our baby as well. I've just had faith and hope in my boyfriend to set things right with her, but now at 30 weeks, with no progress from her, her room still so dirty, while I have our room all packed up ready to switch, I'm losing hope. I am to the point of not wanting her around me or my baby at all. I stress so much having to do everything last minute, I just didn't want to not lose faith in my man , he takes care of me so well but now I'm lost. He loves this land and house, he wants to raise our family here and doesn't want to move, he loves his grandma and doesn't want to just kick her out with no where to go, but Gigi just shows to not care at all about my health or this baby and it breaks my heart. No matter how many sit down talks we have she manipulates the situation. I'm worried that I will go into labor early because of her honestly. My man hears my cries and tells her about all the health issues and everything but she will not stop. I try my best to ignore her and do what is best for me, but its SO hard now of days. I am now feeling distant from my man because he asks me what he can do, but in reality it seems like we either have to move out or really kick her out. But i dont want to put that onto him at all. But then again I feel I have been so understanding and supportive for these 7-8 months trying my hardest to ignore her, all I asked is that we dont have everything be done last minute and we just switch rooms. And now it feels as if Its all too late and I worry about the future when the baby comes.
Everyday I overthink and regret everything. I cry so much and I feel as if no one cares enough, I know my boyfriend cares so much. But how can he see it be like this? I dont know what I expect him to do... but there has to be more right? He tells me there are other pregnant moms out there dealing with much worse and I understand that SO much, but idk... I am just so tired of being unhappy and uncomfortable. I have a baby on the way, it should be a happy experience but its just not anymore and I hate it.
Any advice? Please share your thoughts or tips. Sorry its a book to read.

I am 30 weeks pregnant living with my boyfriend and his grandma, which is his mother figure in his life. They moved into this new house about 2 years ago because it was given to them after a family member passed, the two of them made an agreement that this house would be for him to put a mortgage down, set him up for the future , and that she would have a tiny home or trailer moved out onto the property or just completely move away. This was their plan before I ever came along.
I moved in a year ago after me and him got really serious, we want to really make this house a home and have a future together. I got off my birth control, however I was told it would take a good amount of time to get my cycle back in line and normal, but I got pregnant so fast. Which we are not unhappy about at all.
But it is now the end of the world for Gigi, his grandma. For months it has been nothing but a living hell. She has done everything in the book you can think of when it comes to in-laws from hell. My entire pregnancy she has ignored me, given me zero advice, fights with me over every small thing I do in the house trying to make this a baby safe space. It is only a 2 bedroom house, she has the master bedroom. Our plan has been to switch rooms because we have ZERO baby space in this other room, we didn't want to rush her into moving out because times are rough now of days, so to give her extra time I have been okay with sharing the master bedroom with our baby until that time comes. For months that has been the plan and she always seemed on board. But now. She refuses to finish cleaning her room and tells everyone that we are forcing her out, destroying her home, and getting rid of her stuff, when have done nothing but try to make it fair for her. Every time I clean any room in the house, she will go behind me and make a mess or undo shit I have done reorganizing. If I am alone with her, she whispers smart remarks about everything and anything, like about how she isn't allowed to do anything, for example she will grab a water bottle out of the fridge and ask if it is allowed to drink water in this house or she will just completely ignore my existence. She makes a fight about every small thing I do. If I close a curtain, she will come behind me and slam it open. If I move a dish in the cabinet, she will slam the cabinet doors and throw dishes around. She has woken me up many times slamming doors. Also she will hide the bills from us, lie about paying them, we have had a late fee charge so many times because of her. Even had the lights and water cut off. She will buy 2 of everything for only her and him. She has even stolen my makeup and clothes. She will pull my laundry out and throw it around. She will never clean up after herself, I am ALWAYS cleaning EVERYTHING, if I do not, it will not get done. And worse of worse she made my gender reveal all about her. Thats a long story but she ruined my party. And still till this day she hasn't asked me anything about the baby or shows that she even cares about me or my baby.
There is so much more, I could just go on forever. The rude things she says to me blows my mind. She even brings up his ex girlfriend and compares her to me in bad ways. She comments on the clothes I wear to my boyfriend, while I'm literally dying pregnant trying to fit my clothes lol. Anyways when my boyfriend gets off work, she acts PERFECT. She never speaks to me directly still but she will act like she is the sweetest person around, acts like she could never do wrong and plays it off when he confronts her about the stuff I tell him.
My problem is, before I got pregnant, we all lived in harmony. Everything I do now was okay before. I'm a very shy, non confrontational person, and I dont have any family myself, so I'm not family understanding and for these 7 months, I've just stuck to myself and done my best to not stress out for my baby's sake. My health hasn't been great and I was ordered to be on leave for work at 5 months. We even have had a defect scare on our baby as well. I've just had faith and hope in my boyfriend to set things right with her, but now at 30 weeks, with no progress from her, her room still so dirty, while I have our room all packed up ready to switch, I'm losing hope. I am to the point of not wanting her around me or my baby at all. I stress so much having to do everything last minute, I just didn't want to not lose faith in my man , he takes care of me so well but now I'm lost. He loves this land and house, he wants to raise our family here and doesn't want to move, he loves his grandma and doesn't want to just kick her out with no where to go, but Gigi just shows to not care at all about my health or this baby and it breaks my heart. No matter how many sit down talks we have she manipulates the situation. I'm worried that I will go into labor early because of her honestly. My man hears my cries and tells her about all the health issues and everything but she will not stop. I try my best to ignore her and do what is best for me, but its SO hard now of days. I am now feeling distant from my man because he asks me what he can do, but in reality it seems like we either have to move out or really kick her out. But i dont want to put that onto him at all. But then again I feel I have been so understanding and supportive for these 7-8 months trying my hardest to ignore her, all I asked is that we dont have everything be done last minute and we just switch rooms. And now it feels as if Its all too late and I worry about the future when the baby comes.
Everyday I overthink and regret everything. I cry so much and I feel as if no one cares enough, I know my boyfriend cares so much. But how can he see it be like this? I dont know what I expect him to do... but there has to be more right? He tells me there are other pregnant moms out there dealing with much worse and I understand that SO much, but idk... I am just so tired of being unhappy and uncomfortable. I have a baby on the way, it should be a happy experience but its just not anymore and I hate it.
Any advice? Please share your thoughts or tips. Sorry its a book to read.

And it's been significantly helping me.
My (29F) boyfriend (29M) of a year and a half is a serial cheater, I gave him chances over and over but since the last time I've just had it. We're still technically together and still living together, but I'm using this time to emotionally heal and get my finances in order. I will leave when the time is right.
I started my process by taking a journal and ripping the binding off to make it look edgier, and I've just been filling it with nonsense, angry rants, drawings, poems, song lyrics, even a heart break playlist. I'm 29 years old and regressing into a teenager getting over her first crush, and it feels really good. Like, really fucking good.
It's called "Love, Trust and Loyalty: And Some Cosmic Payback" which is in reference to a couple of my journal entries.

A couple of years ago I tried writing my own version of Stones Abbigale. I never got past the first couple scenes, but I'm considering returning to it. I wanted to basically rewrite and change up a lot of things, mainly focusing on Abbi and Davis and changing some elements. Let me know what you think!

1
It's almost four in the morning and Seth is threatening suicide again. Good. Fuck him. I hope he does it. I don't text him that because I read about this girl who told her boyfriend to kill himself. The irony was that when he actually did it she got charged with second degree murder. My life is fucked as it is I don't need to make it worse. I’m shivering under my comforter because we’re halfway through November. I think about the turkey that won't get made this year and the family I won't see. I think that's swell. Seth is still texting.
Its like u dont even care after everything that happened and after everything we did together i saved ur life and i stayed with u when u cried and i hugged u and i did everything for u but that wasn't enough was it? i try so hard and all u ever are is a bitch to me that's not fair u want me to die and u hate me and u dont even care and im sick of it abbi why is is so hard for u to care about me?
I don't respond. I don't like how I feel about this. This should be easy. He won't actually do it. He won't. He’s too self involved to kill himself. I put my phone face down on my bed. The sheets shake around it as he sends message after message. I was sleeping on a ticking bomb so I got off of it. My feet stick to the floor, I struggle to step. I might as well have been standing barefoot on ice. I trudge to my window so I can see my street at night.
Winter is really coming. You can't hear as many birds as you used to. They've all gone. They've all flown away. I can see three streetlights from where I’m standing. If you look from right to left, you can see the concrete fracture into the sand. I open my window and brace for the chill. I stick my head outside. The ocean is not far away. I hear it hitting the shore over and over. Waves of water splashing incessantly, almost beating out my text notifications.
The street lights flicker. I think of last summer. When Seth and I got really high after the news broke that my Mom was cheating on my Dad. I was making out with that bong. Emptying bowl after bowl, clanking the glass on the road to empty it out. Just thinking about it makes me feel the street pole against my back again. I was laughing and crying. Seth leaned in and hugged me. “I’m a sure thing,” he said. “I love you and I always will.”I caught my reflection in his sunglasses. I looked awful. I shiver at the memory.
My phone is still buzzing. I try to catch my breath. I shut my window and start to walk back to my bed. A room always looks different in the dark. Maybe you think you know where you are, but there is always something that can jump out at you on the floor. Like a ghostly paper bag or a vengeful shoe. Objects that seem to move on their own with the sole drive of tripping you.
I crawl back into bed. There's the phantom of Dad’s snoring . I know he's not sleeping in his room, he fell asleep on the couch after finishing his seventh fifth. Sometimes my brain fills in the gaps so I can hear it everywhere. Funnily, I haven't actually heard him snore since Mom left. That's the one thing I ever heard them fight about. Before she turned out to be a whore, I guess.
BZZT.BZZT.BZZT.
I can't bring myself to read any of his messages. They're coming so fast all the paragraphs are lost to motion blur. Seth’s arms wrap around me and I think about the beating of his heart and the warmth of his lips against my skin. I open up the texts, ready to respond.
I love you
I text this over and over until I fall asleep.
Davis was the only senior on the bus. Somehow, everyone else had a car or a ride. It’s all right, though. James would probably give him one if he had a car, but he skated to school every morning. That's why he barely ever rode the bus with him. The bus thumped along the under paved roads. Davis forgot his earbuds at home, so the only music that accompanied him was his racing thoughts. Two sophomore girls popped their heads over.
“Ohmigod, Davis!” One of them shrieked.
“As I live and breathe,” he smiled. “Nice,” she said. “I’m so excited to see your finished painting.”
Davis took the lower level art class for a requirement. Like most things, he's not taking it very seriously. For their pop art unit, he's painting a portrait of the art teacher with a warthog face. It's one of his funny disruptions. He knows Mrs. Stanley is going to have a real field day with it, but it doesn't matter. Artistic liberties, he’d profess.
“She's such a bitch, isn't she?” The sophomore girl turns to her compatriot, who only nods in response.
“She's just jealous,” Davis says. “It must be depressing to teach art and see the youth soar above her.”
“For sure,” the girl doesn't get it. Class clown is a semi-heavy burden. Davis doesn't really feel like talking to these girls, but his position demands it. Comedy informs everything about him. To the giant thrift store jeans, to the loud Hawaiian shirt. He and James are the ultimate combination, at least he likes to think so. Quiet brooding begs for bright distraction.
The girl is still trying to talk to him and Davis is saying his preprogrammed lines. The bus stops in front of James’s street. Surprisingly, James is standing there.
“Like I’m this close to just filling my hydroflask with vodka, yaknow?” says the chick. Maybe she's just trying to get a rise out of him.
“Better be prepared to give me more than a sip,” Davis is watching James grumble towards the bus.
The sun is beating down on the forming ice puddles. James stomps through them with small shattering steps.
James turns up the bus aisle and plops in the seat next to Davis. Davis’s smile is genuine now, but he fights it from getting too wide.
“Crash your vehicle?” Davis asks.
“Something like it,” there's something off with him. Davis doesn't want to push it.
“Well damn, hope insurance covers it,” Davis wants James to break and laugh. Is it just another mood or did something actually happen this time?
“It won't, I got bad credit,” James grins and it's like heaven. “What's the move for you today?”
“Surviving art and physics for me,” says Davis. “Those bastards love to keep me down.”
“Who doesn't,” James eyes the girls who have since returned to whatever they were doing before. It's the judgement stare, as Davis calls it. James likes to observe his peers like a zoo-goer. Breaking them down to taxonomic types. Davis likes to think that James doesn't do this to him, but he knows he probably does.
“It sucks you decided to be bad at school and take baby art,” James is still dissecting the sophomore girls down to their tropes. “We could have done Art II together.”
“I wouldn't want to get between you and Alex. I know how you love it when people piss in jars next to you.”
“That's disgusting,” James breaks his glare at the girls.
“It's performance art, it's beautiful,” Davis gets up out of his seat to yell. “Everyone witness the wonderful work of Alex Madov! Disengage yourself from the shackles of capitalism by shouting with me: Poopy, pee pee, poop!”
Davis gets a few chuckles from the other kids on the bus.
“Sit down, fatso,” mumbles the bus driver.
“I will not be silenced! I’m a messenger of the good word, sir!”
"More of this shit and I’m skipping your stop!” “Fine, but I will make Alex remember on the day of judgement,” Davis sits back down. James is full belly laughing.
“You're so retarded,” James wheezes. Davis can't even come back with a response. He's high off of it.
The bus pulls into the school lot with a short stop. The mobs get up and begin to race out. Davis follows James down the line.
“You know Abbi?” James asks. Davis feels a little pit form in his stomach, but he doesn't change his expression.
“Vaguely, what about her?”
“She's in my art class,” James begins. “And I think … well you know, I’m going to talk to her.” He walks down the steps and out the door.
“Doesn't she have a boyfr-” before Davis can descend the driver's arm blocks him.
“I’ve had enough of your shit, kid,” he says. “If you keep being obnoxious, I’m gonna find a way to make you pay for it.”
James looks back, but he can't stay. Davis knows that he's gotta get to class. James does a little wave goodbye and Davis salutes him. “Are you even listening to me?” the bus driver seethes.
“Yes, sir. Divine retribution, got it.” Davis ducks underneath his arm and exits the bus. James has already disappeared into the crowd.
I pass the bong to Ashley. She starts another bowl. She’s the transport and I provide the material. The little things that keep our friendship afloat. I look at the clock in her car.
“It's 8:45,” I pick a piece of bagel out of my teeth.
“So that's it, we officially missed first period,” Ashley tops it off.
“They won't mark us, you know. It's a study.”
“Yeah, but when's the last time we signed in? I heard they're changing the policy again. Do you still have the lighter?”
I toss it to her. I don't get it. It's always her idea to pick me up so we can smoke before school, why now is she suddenly caring about attendance?
“We're pretty girls, we can get out of it. I’m next,” I tap on the clock. “Are you sure it's not fast?”
She shakes her head as she takes a snap. We're parked in the pond area a block or two from the school. It's our designated smoking spot. I like it, even at the end of fall it's pretty. I’m so engrossed that I don't realize her tip out the bowl and put it back in the cup holder.
“I don't know if it's wise to keep up the activity, we should probably get going soon,” she starts up her car again.
“Okay,” I say.
She reverses and swings out of the lot. We lean into the silence and it's super weird.
“Seth texted me last night,” I wait for her reaction.
“Oh,” she grimaces. “What did you say?”
“That I loved him.” Silence again. Ashley's trying to put together something well-meaning while understanding that I’ll probably ignore whatever she has to say.
“Abbi, I’m not trying to tell you how to run your life, but …” Her expression is now quizzical. She's said what she is about to say a number of different ways all ready. She thinks and thinks and decides to say nothing. Good call, I would have screamed at her. Not because what she thinks about my situation isn't true, I’m just in a ‘screaming at people mood’ because of it.
“I’m going to dye my hair again,” she changes the subject to avoid conflict. Classic Ash.
“Oh yeah? What color this time?”
“I don't know,” she checks her reflection in the rear view. “The red has faded out, maybe blue or pink this time.”
“You should go with a softer pink,” I say. “Since you're a soft spring.”
“Yeah, maybe.” We enter the school lot. “Listen, do you want to get together when I do it? Maybe you can dye your hair too.”
“I don't know, I might be busy,” I say. “Seth might want to do something,” I pause for her to protest. “Okay,” she says. She parks and we get out.
I barrel into art class. I don't care if I reek, out of all the teachers I can tell Mrs. Stanley smokes the most. It would be hypocritical of her to care. It looks like I’m the first one. Weird. I check my phone. It's 8:45. Well, fuck. Looks like Ashley needs to fix her clock. Mrs. Stanley is at her desk. She looks at me knowingly.
“Eager to create today, Abbi?”
I just nod and sit at my desk. I’m really feeling it. I open up my precalc notebook and just start sketching. Birds, eyes, trees, whatever. Kids start coming in. Their chatter echoes around me, I try to focus on what I’m doing. Someone bumps into my table. I look up. It's this lanky blonde kid, I think his name is James. He presses his hands underneath the desk as he leans up to talk to me.
“Eww!” He shouts. Some kids turn and laugh. I don't. I just stare at him. James goes red and sits next to the kid who pissed in a jar. Once an adequate amount of students are in the room, Mrs. Stanley starts her lesson slideshow. On the screen is a dirty urinal.
“How many of you are familiar with this work by Marcel DuChamp?” she asks. At this point, Jason, the designated meathead jock, enters the room.
“Sorry I’m late, Mrs. S,” he booms. He looks at the slide. “We building bathrooms today?” Mrs. Stanley glares at him.
“Wouldn't you like that? Considering you spend all of your time in there.”
“Whatever,” Jason brushes his mullet behind his ears.
“No, not whatever. Would you like me to move you into the sophomore class with Davis? Believe it or not he's getting much better marks than you are getting in here.”
Jason rolls his eyes and takes his place in the chair next to me.
“Up to a little extra curricular activities before art, Abbi?” he motions a joint in his fingers. I scoff and go on my phone. There's another text from Seth.
sorry about last night
and
im reading it all right now that was fucked im sorry
I start to respond, but before I can Mrs. Stanley outstretches her hand.
“Give me your phone, Miss Hagerty. I’m sick of giving you warnings.” I don't have the energy to fight, I just give it to her. “You can pick it up at the end of the day.”
My jaw actually drops. Jason must have really set her off, she's not usually such a cunt to me.
“Anyways, found art. What is it? Well, found art is the use of everyday objects to convey an altered meaning. It can be something you find on the street or something that once held value to you. For example, My Bed by Tracey Elim.” She pulls up a picture of a messy bed that looks suspiciously like my own. “So for your final unit of the quarter, you will be making your own found art. I really want you to take this project a little more seriously than most of you have been taking this class. I’m giving you the privilege of picking your own partners, but I’d like to remind you to be thoughtful with your choice. This will be worth more for your grade.”
I look around. I don't have any friends here. I toy around with the idea of asking Jason for convenience and he looks like he's about to pull that move. Behind me there's that James guy. He’s sheepishly looking at me. He seems kind of nice. Okay. I don't feel like getting up so I just turn around in my chair.
“Hey James, wanna be partners?” He balks a bit and then smiles at me.
“Yeah, totally,” He's beaming and it's somewhat endearing. Alex and I switch seats and now I’m next to him.
“I’m gonna be real with you …” I begin. He stops and shifts a little. “I have no idea what we're supposed to be doing for this.” He regards me oddly. Like he's trying to piece me together. It doesn't bother me.
“She said we have to bring in an object that's special to us and present it artistically basically,” he rubs his chin. Damn, I must be baked to hell. I didn't hear her saying that at all. “So got any stuffed animals we can cut up and make Lovecraftian monstrosities out of?”
“I got a hamster cage, hold the hamster,” I say. It comes out kind of weird and I probably sound stupid, but he doesn't seem to care. “Let's make a fucking zoo.”
“Perfect!” He’s kind of cute actually. In a way. Something about this feels fun. I realize the bell will ring soon.
“So um,” I rip out a page of my precalc notebook, still fresh with my drawings. I scrawl out my number and push it to him. “Call me so we can figure out the project some more.” I pack up all my stuff and start to head out. I can feel him watching me and it's not that bad.
“I sure will,” he says. Everything feels really groovy. There's a lightness now. I’m halfway out the door when I remember my phone. I can't believe that I just forgot about Seth. I think about begging for my phone, but I feel too above that. Still, something shakes the good feeling as the bell rings.