Tired of being hurt by

Long post
I finished uni a year ago studying a bachelors degree that was design and programming as well. So I did studio subjects like UX, UI, product design, data visualisation, web design, JavaScript coding, animation stuff like that pretty in demand stuff when I was studying it and there was heaps of jobs and a big demand for UX. I also did designathons assisted with PhD research in VR and more research. I worked hard and got high grades and ended up getting a strong portfolio together which my mentor currently said is better than some designers he knows. The only problem now is that the job market is terrible due to tech layoffs and no one is hiring due to a bad economy and over saturation of UX designers from boot camps.
I did have a final interview the other day for a large company that had over 1000 applicants for the role and I was one on the six to make it to the final round but sadly they hired other people because I lacked experience even though it was entry level and I was told to do an internship instead because they said it’s fast paced and think I’d struggle but they never seen me work and I don’t want an internship I want a job I’m nearly 25. Why does entry level need experience they said in the email they’ll teach you on the job. But I guess I’m alright to make it to the final six out of 1000 while only two were hired.
But there are no other jobs idk what to do, all the jobs are mid to senior level. It’s been a year and it looks like I’ll never get a job. I’ve applied for smaller jobs but didn’t even hear back.
So my life’s been a loop for the past year I get up walk my puppy then scroll on my phone all day. I have a mentor who’s given me a list to do to help but I haven’t even done that I feel like it’s pointless. I haven’t exercised in months or done any of my hobbies I just scroll on my phone in my room all day. I don’t even have the energy to place video games or eat normally my diet has gone to crap I barely even brush my teeth anymore.
I’m also feeling like a complete failure I’ve never been in a relationship at 24 and don’t have a career started yet. I’m so ugly I made a post on Reddit for plastic surgery but people said I don’t need it but I can’t believe them I feel like they’re lying trying to be nice and say my face isn’t asymmetrical when I was told I’m a 3/10 and need facial reconstruction surgery. I don’t want to go outside because I’m so ugly and deformed unlike everyone else. Someone called me an incel because I hate my face so much I wanted to die and self harm. What does that have to do with women that’s mean and hurts my feelings I’d never hate women. I don’t even want to do anything at all when I know I’m hideous
My parents are mad at me and say all I do is scroll on my phone and I should go back to uni and study something else or work in data entry or retail stocking shelves. People on Reddit said I should give up and I did a bullshit degree but they’re pretty in demand skills just the market sucks. I know a girl who’s been struggling for nearly 2 years. I’ve been to psychologists but none have been good one nearly fell asleep, one made weird assumptions and one dismissed my problems and said I have different problems. Only my psychiatrist helps
But I don’t feel depressed like I use to. Maybe burnt out and a bit disheartened that I worked so hard for nothing and been told to give up.
I currently have a part time job but that’s about it
Sorry for the long post but I’ve wasted a year pretty much in my bed on my phone. What can I do to fix it my family is mad at me for doing nothing and it’s not like I don’t want to do this. I’m 24 and so far behind in life my younger brothers friends have careers and travel. Am I lazy like they say or is there something wrong with me how to I find motivation to live again. My brothers are doing better than me with gfs and careers while I’m living at home with no future because of the job market
My laptop broke so I bought a MacBook Air but not getting it until next week so hopefully that helps
Sorry for the long post and if I sound whiny I’m just tired and struggling to improve no one’s helped only bend angry at me and making threats like threatening to financially drain me or kick me out because I’ve been struggling. I’m on medication been on it for years but now I’m in a slump i struggle to get out of. I can’t even surf anymore and I live near the beach. And I quit the gym I got a eating disorder from it so I don’t wanna go back
My puppy is all I have right now that’s keeping me active. I literally do nothing it’s almost midnight my sleep schedule is screwed and I haven’t even read a book in like a year I’m just so unmotivated by anything I don’t exercise, don’t eat well, don’t do hobbies, barley have energy to apply for jobs now I can’t do anything but my parents say I’m lazy which I probably am I guess but I never was lazy . I’m ugly and don’t have a career yet which I want, I want to start my life already
I have a lot of free time I should be enjoying it but I want a job
I’ve wasted my 20s

I finished uni a year ago studying a bachelors degree that was design and programming as well. So I did studio subjects like UX, UI, product design, data visualisation, web design, JavaScript coding, animation stuff like that pretty in demand stuff when I was studying it and there was heaps of jobs and a big demand for UX. I also did designathons assisted with PhD research in VR and more research. I worked hard and got high grades and ended up getting a strong portfolio together which my mentor currently said is better than some designers he knows. The only problem now is that the job market is terrible due to tech layoffs and no one is hiring due to a bad economy and over saturation of UX designers from boot camps.
I did have a final interview the other day for a large company that had over 1000 applicants for the role and I was one on the six to make it to the final round but sadly they hired other people because I lacked experience even though it was entry level and I was told to do an internship instead because they said it’s fast paced and think I’d struggle but they never seen me work and I don’t want an internship I want a job I’m nearly 25. Why does entry level need experience they said in the email they’ll teach you on the job. But I guess I’m alright to make it to the final six out of 1000 while only two were hired.
But there are no other jobs idk what to do, all the jobs are mid to senior level. It’s been a year and it looks like I’ll never get a job. I’ve applied for smaller jobs but didn’t even hear back.
So my life’s been a loop for the past year I get up walk my puppy then scroll on my phone all day. I have a mentor who’s given me a list to do to help but I haven’t even done that I feel like it’s pointless. I haven’t exercised in months or done any of my hobbies I just scroll on my phone in my room all day. I don’t even have the energy to place video games or eat normally my diet has gone to crap I barely even brush my teeth anymore.
I’m also feeling like a complete failure I’ve never been in a relationship at 24 and don’t have a career started yet. I’m so ugly I made a post on Reddit for plastic surgery but people said I don’t need it but I can’t believe them I feel like they’re lying trying to be nice and say my face isn’t asymmetrical when I was told I’m a 3/10 and need facial reconstruction surgery. I don’t want to go outside because I’m so ugly and deformed unlike everyone else. Someone called me an incel because I hate my face so much I wanted to die and self harm. What does that have to do with women that’s mean and hurts my feelings I’d never hate women. I don’t even want to do anything at all when I know I’m hideous
My parents are mad at me and say all I do is scroll on my phone and I should go back to uni and study something else or work in data entry or retail stocking shelves. People on Reddit said I should give up and I did a bullshit degree but they’re pretty in demand skills just the market sucks. I know a girl who’s been struggling for nearly 2 years. I’ve been to psychologists but none have been good one nearly fell asleep, one made weird assumptions and one dismissed my problems and said I have different problems. Only my psychiatrist helps
But I don’t feel depressed like I use to. Maybe burnt out and a bit disheartened that I worked so hard for nothing and been told to give up.
I currently have a part time job but that’s about it
Sorry for the long post but I’ve wasted a year pretty much in my bed on my phone. What can I do to fix it my family is mad at me for doing nothing and it’s not like I don’t want to do this. I’m 24 and so far behind in life my younger brothers friends have careers and travel. Am I lazy like they say or is there something wrong with me how to I find motivation to live again. My brothers are doing better than me with gfs and careers while I’m living at home with no future because of the job market
My laptop broke so I bought a MacBook Air but not getting it until next week so hopefully that helps
Sorry for the long post and if I sound whiny I’m just tired and struggling to improve no one’s helped only bend angry at me and making threats like threatening to financially drain me or kick me out because I’ve been struggling. I’m on medication been on it for years but now I’m in a slump i struggle to get out of. I can’t even surf anymore and I live near the beach. And I quit the gym I got a eating disorder from it so I don’t wanna go back
My puppy is all I have right now that’s keeping me active. I literally do nothing it’s almost midnight my sleep schedule is screwed and I haven’t even read a book in like a year I’m just so unmotivated by anything I don’t exercise, don’t eat well, don’t do hobbies, barley have energy to apply for jobs now I can’t do anything but my parents say I’m lazy which I probably am I guess but I never was lazy . I’m ugly and don’t have a career yet which I want, I want to start my life already
I have a lot of free time I should be enjoying it but I want a job
I’ve wasted my 20s

So... let me get this straight.
I just watched the Warhammer Skulls Space Marine 2 preview, and if I'm seeing this correctly... Thousand Sons are now finally in a video game for the first time ever, but:

• Judging by the amount of broken armor on the ground in the second screengrab from here, they're just more toy soldiers for Titus to knock over... but that's no real surprise after Boltgun, just a pet peeve because Chaos Space Marines are just like regular Space Marines but also infused with Chaos power and often veterans of 10k years of war in a literal hellscape, and I'm tired of them being portrayed as weaker. Anyway, the bigger issue is:
  
• They aren't even featured in the multiplayer PvP mode? It's just Black Legion, Death Guard, World Eaters, and Iron Warriors again?
  

This hurts, friends. I just want to be able to play as my dusty boys in a video game (Tacticus doesn't count) without having to resort to mods, and if I can't have that, I at least want them to look cool as the antagonists. I mean for Tzeentch's sake, we're a faction of space supersoldier wizards with undead golem thralls, that's like the tightest thing ever. We've gotta be the most criminally under-utilized faction in all of 40k, I swear.

I have a few questions for FA’s out there or really anyone but here goes my story with an FA. We dated for a year and a half. When we met, he had been divorced for about a year. He told me his wife came home one day and told him she wasn’t in love with him anymore and so they divorced. Anyway, things were great the first 5 months. He was the sweetest, most emotionally intelligent and mature man I had ever met. He bought me flowers, took me out on dates and put in a ton of effort. He would drive 40 minutes just to visit me on my lunch break at work. However, I always felt things were moving too quickly. He told me he loved me after only a month and we weren’t even boyfriend and girlfriend yet. He told me he was going to marry me and we talked about a future in extreme depth and detail and planned it out. I realize now, that was love bombing but I didn’t know it at the time. Fast forward to June and we’ve been dating for 5 months. One day I texted him to ask how his day was and he said he was sad and had been crying. I asked what was wrong and he wouldn’t tell me but he said he was all better after crying and he was good, so I didn’t push it. A few weeks go by and one day when we’re hanging out he told me why he was sad the other day. He said he had found out his ex wife had been cheating on him throughout the marriage. He was never the same after this. I noticed he became irritable and cranky, he had mood swings and would get snippy. However, it wasn’t all the time just every so often but I knew something was wrong, I just couldn’t put my finger on it. Fast forward to Thanksgiving and his mom wanted us to go around and say what we were thankful for. I said I was thankful for my boyfriend and that I’m so glad I got to be a part of his family. When it was his turn to say what he was thankful for he got real quiet and just said “pass.” That hurt my feelings that he didn’t say he was thankful for me, I thought his reaction was odd but didn’t really know if I was overreacting. It is now December and one night when we were hanging out, he tells me he won’t be coming over next Saturday. I got teary eyed when he told me, which I realize was a bit of an overreaction on my part and it probably scared him a little that I reacted in that way. I was just upset bc I felt like it was out of character for him. We always hung on the weekends, in fact it was the only time we got to see each other. He said he was feeling overwhelmed with the holidays coming up and needed to take a day to himself. Once he told me how he was feeling I completely understood and apologized for getting so upset and for putting any unneeded stress on him. Recently, he had started a new job at a medical marijuana dispo. About once a month he started going out with his coworkers on Saturdays. It kind of bothered me bc when the weekends are the only time we can see each other and you choose to hang out with your coworkers (that you see everyday) instead of me, it hurts. Sunday he texts me after hanging out with his coworkers the night before and he asked if I wanted to come over to his place and then he said or we could just chill at our own places that day. I said well then we won’t see each other for 2 weeks and that I didn’t really wanna go 2 weeks w/o seeing him. He then said “you mean you’ve never gone 2 weeks w/o seeing someone on purpose to make you miss them?” And I said “um no.” I asked him if he had ever done that and he said yes. He then tried to convince me that, that was a normal healthy thing to do. Um ok…….There were other problems throughout the relationship. He would randomly text me that he was feeling sad and he didn’t know why. He got into an argument with his parents one day and told me that he’s angry all the time and that he’s tired of it and that he can’t keep being angry. He was suffering in front of me and there was nothing I could do. I told him twice he needed to get help but he refused. He said therapy is for weak people and that therapists don’t really care, they’re just paid to care blah blah blah. It got frustrating seeing him suffer all the time but he was never willing to get help. A week before the breakup everything was fine. We texted like normal which was a lot, he wasn’t quiet or distant at all. Then Saturday I texted him good morning and all he said was “morning.” I asked him if he slept good and he said not at all and that he was feeling down. He said he just wanted to draw the blinds, stay inside and not talk to anyone. He asked what I had planned for the day and I told him have a good day at work. 5 hours go by and he didn’t text me, which was not normal for him. We were supposed to hang out that night but about an hour before I was supposed to go to his house he asked if it would be ok if he stayed home to decompress and turn his head around, I said yes. The next day he comes over and says we need to talk. He then bursts into tears and says “he thinks the trauma from his divorce was worse than he thought.” He then gives the typical FA response: “I don’t have the mental capacity to be in a relationship right now” You deserve better.” “I don’t think I know how to be loved.” “I have a hard time trusting people and letting people in.” I asked him if he was going to get help and he said he made an appointment to see a therapist the next day. A few days later, I went to his parents house to drop some stuff off that he had left at my place. His mom gave me a big hug and said she was sad. She said he was getting help and seeing a therapist. She said he was never the same after his divorce and she thinks he’s afraid of commitment. She told me they met for coffee the day before and that’s when he told her we had broken up. She said he told her that he thinks he made a mistake and that this was the healthiest relationship he had ever been in. I found out 3-4 weeks later though after our break up he was already seeing somebody else and my friend found him on dating apps. What a joke. My question is how could his therapist think it’s a good idea for him to already be seeing someone else?? Unless he didn’t tell his therapist. Also, do you think he’s just rebounding to mask his pain and guilt from the breakup even though he’s supposedly seeing a therapist? There’s no way he’s healed even after a month of therapy. It sounds like he’s just repeating the cycle all over and using this new person to fill a void. Do you think it will last?
My other question is about sex and intimacy. Sex was great at first and he was very caring, romantic and respectful in the bedroom. However as time went on, he started becoming demanding and controlling. If I didn’t sit on him the right way or arch my back enough or spread my legs far enough apart he would get frustrated. He also kept pushing my boundaries. He had a genital wart when we met but had it burned off and we waited to have sex for the first time until it healed. For the first few months we used a condom then he kept pressuring me to have sex with him without one, keep in mind I’m not on any birth control. I kept telling him no. Finally I got tired of him asking so I just let him. Same thing with oral. The first few months I would give him oral with a condom but soon he kept pressing me to do it without it. I finally gave in. One nigh he was going to do it from behind. Well he accidentally stuck it in my butt although I think it was on purpose. It was so painful I immediately fell over into the fetal position and cried. He didn’t say sorry or much of anything. He just told me to take deep breaths as I laid there crying. Finally after I had calmed down I asked if we could cuddle and if he would hold me bc I wanted to be comforted. I’m lying there in his arms and at this point I’m not in the mood anymore. I’m not even mad, just in pain and the vibe was killed. As we’re lying there, he starts rubbing on me and tries to pull me onto him and he’s kissing me and I try pulling away and tell him I’m not in the mood. He said “you’re really going to let this stop us?” I said “yes, I’m just in pain and not in the mood right now.” He said “ok” all pissy like. I said “are you seriously mad bc I won’t have sex with you?” He said no in a very pissy tone. I turned toward the wall and he turned the other way but proceeded to huff and puff and toss and turn as if he was throwing a mini temper tantrum. Is he just an asshole? Why did he keep pushing my sexual boundaries throughout the relationship? Is this an FA behavior?
Sorry for the length, thank you for reading

When i was around 13, female, my sister, 14, ill call M for the story, had already been diagnosed with many disorders; bipolar personality, depression, anxiety, anger management disorder, adhd, odd, and more. My parents had left me, my oldest sister, 19, S, and M alone in our apartment. i have no clue what started the argument but only a few minutes in were things starting to get bad. S and M had been yelling at each other, both using the past to defend themselves, but M wasnt having it. She had tried to walk out of the apartment door and S blocked her, S is the smallest out of all of us she always has been, M is the bulkiest… or fattest, im the skinny tall one. S has this idea in her mind that she can beat M in a fight and if they were to fight she could easily to M to the hospital, but M is way too much, too much anger and strength to not be able to win so we were lucky they hadnt fought at the door. After M threw a fit and walked away for a minute, me and S were standing in the kitchen, not even speaking when she comes out once again and heads straight to the door, S blocks her again and M starts to say a lot of shit. I was usually the one to stay quiet while M argued with anyone, she would always go too far, calling our mother selfish names and hitting her a few times, M has also had the cops called on her for becoming too aggressive, and was even put in a program. at this point in the argument i had started to speak up, calling M out for shit she has done when she says “yall are the reasons i cut myself.” as soon as she said that i cried, to be told that by youre own sister is a crazy thing to experience. S got more pissed and eventually broke her pinkie while punching a wall. M had went for a walk, though we werent supposed to let her leave.
a few months later we moved to a house, M was still an angry person and had already argued with my mom about 2 times. The third argument happened in the morning, me and M had to go to school, we went to different schools since she was in alternative schools, but she didnt want to go and started up with my mom again. it escalated to the point where the cops were called, this is the second time theyve come to the house, and i watched as she threatened the p.o, fought against them, and eventually on the ground with handcuffs on. they walked her out and S drove me to school. the p.o she assaulted didnt do anything against her and she was simply put in a mental institution for 2 days, keep in mind shes been in the institution multiple times already. Just a few weeks after that, another argument with my stepfather, L, mother and M had broken out, M hit L and thats when they called the cops, when i thought that they had calmed down i went to my moms room, she was crying and still on call with 911, as M walks into the room she sees this too and starts to cry, begging my mom to hang up. me and my mom were standing by the bathroom so we walked in there and locked ourselves in while L was hiding her electronics. M was pounding on the locked door and there was a few times i thought it would break. when the cops showed up she fought against them again and this time she had to go to court, she was put in an anger management institute for 2 weeks i think.
even after all this happened my sister still never really stopped fighting and eventually i got to the point i was tired of it, i started to ignore her and keep my distance, when she started an argument with me she got mad and asked how she hurt me, i told her the truth(a sum up of whats above) and she got upset.
so am i the asshole?

Honestly I’m so tired of trying to be a people pleaser. I do everything right, I’m never the one to start an argument. I think I’m too self aware of others feelings. I try everything in my power to be fair. I literally don’t even have an once of hate towards people who have done me wrong. Still I don’t know why I feel like I’m the problem.
I guess it’s because I try to do everything right and yet I still somehow tend to run into people who end up hurting me. They always try to come back and I’m understanding as fuck and I always let them back in. I’ve tried bettering myself at cutting bad friends off but they know I’m too kind and they always try to come back time and time again.
I can’t keep doing this anymore :( I have a baby now I need to respect myself and be better for him. Lately I’ve been feeling like I suck becuase I keep getting hurt by people. I know I’m not the problem. Now I’ve isolated myself from everyone and I don’t know who to have around. Im gonna get therapy soon I hope it helps

I've read my share of these posts and have found most of them to be entertaining. My one concern is that an age group is being stereotyped, without being given a fair chance to prove they're not a "boomer" or understanding the amount of hurt and pain they've accrued.
With that said, I've been working on my Dad for 40 long years, trying to keep his mind opened to other races, cultures, and lifestyles. This man was an ANGRY man when I was younger and growing up. 20 years ago, he finally had a breakthrough working around African-Americans. About 10 years ago, his church took them to a mosque and his eyes were opened on the similarities within the churches.
This past year he said some awful things about transpeople and drag queens while we were driving and he saw that I was visibly upset. He quickly apologized, although he was apologizing for how he acted, not how he felt. We're both veterans, and I responded with "I didn't join the Army and go over to the desert so just some people could have their freedom. You should have the right to say what you want, be who you want, and marry who you want. That's freedom". Even though he didn't say anything, I think I got through to him from one soldier to another.
He voted for Trump in 2016 and I think he voted for him in 2020, although now he finds Trump to be repulsive and a scumbag. I'd like to think that myself and others had something to do with that, by just discussions about topics and views that he doesn't get from Fox News and the rest of my family.
The love I have for my Dad is less since 2016. It saddens me. He's been 100% taking care of my Mom who has Alzheimers, which is a full-time job. He's tired, still suffers from PTSD he gained in Vietnam, most of his retirement was taken from him caring for my mom, his body is breaking down, he can't drive up to see his grandson as much as he'd like.
It definitely doesn't make up for his prejudices and the hate he has against some people, but I empathize and hope he is or can change.
This was a longer rant than I thought it was going to be. Is this a Gen-X thing? I'll see myself out.

I know this is a long post, so my apologies. Writing all of this out is just helpful for me to put my thoughts together. I’ve seen a few posts like this on this sub which were helpful to me, so I thought I should share my experience here in case it could help someone else.
Why I Think I Developed Puberphonia
Just to briefly explain my context, I’m a 32-year-old man. I was homeschooled, so most of my social circles as a kid were through church, Boy Scouts, or a small group of other homeschoolers I knew. When I first became a teenager, there were a lot of changes happening around me. My parents’ relationship was in the middle of a decade-long rough patch (that they eventually worked through, thank God), one of my sisters was moving across the country, and the time of my childhood was coming to an close. Many of my childhood friends moved away right around that time, and the kids who moved into town and eventually became my new friends had already gone through puberty.
I think because my parents were not in a great place to help me through something difficult like puberty, and I didn’t have any friends who were going through that process with me, I was left to myself. I was afraid of change, and I did not want to be seen as another problem by my parents, so I think I did my best to avoid what I felt was a weird and uncomfortable change.
From my perspective at the time, I was just talking the way I had always talked, but people started to make comments or jokes about how I sounded funny. The worst were jokes by my dad. Thankfully, this happened before social media took off, but I was always afraid whenever someone was recording a video, because I didn’t want to hear my own voice. I also learned to be afraid of little kids, because they had less of a filter than adults and would make fun of me, which was humiliating.
I knew that I could access a deeper voice, but it sounded harsh and big to me, so I kept it hidden for the most part. I would use it to sing in church, but never loud enough for other people to hear me. In high school, I started playing soccer, so I would try to use it every once in a while to yell, but people started making comments about how weird I sounded, so I stopped doing that. However, for the most part, I had good friends who were used to the way I sounded, so on the surface, I was able to get through high school feeling relatively normal.
As college approached, I was incredibly anxious about meeting new people, so I told myself that I would start using my deeper voice when I got to college, since that would be a good transition time. However, I was still afraid to use my deeper voice, and I never practiced using it, so I just went through college using my higher, falsetto voice. I still dealt with all the same jokes and comments, and I was self-conscious whenever I would meet new people or had to do a presentation for a class. Some of the more devastating, embarrassing moments were when I met someone who thought I was playing a prank on them and I had to convince them that I just had a weird voice. Someone else told me they had a friend who sounded like me, so they actually brought that friend to school, and I had to interact with someone who sounded just like me, and I hated it. I feel bad for that guy now, because I was so obviously uncomfortable, and I didn't handle that well. I hope he was able to move past his puberphonia too. So far, that is the only other person I've ever met with puberphonia. Another was when someone else was prying about why I talked that way and asked if I had balls. He actually apologized years later, but it was very hurtful at the time.
However, despite those moments, I was still fortunate enough to make good friends that I still have to this day, and college was overall a good experience.
Impacts
One of the indirect impacts of puberphonia is a general low self-esteem, because at any moment, anyone could make a devastating comment about my most personal insecurity. That low self-esteem really caused some major problems for me, especially in the realm of personal relationships. When I was in high school and college, I felt that girls would never be interested in me ever. When I finally had an experience in college where a girl I liked expressed that she liked me too, I felt like this was my ONLY chance to have a happy, normal life. When it turned out that she wasn’t a trustworthy, stable person, I ignored all those red flags she was waving, because I didn’t think I was ever going to find someone else who would like me. I won’t get into how that relationship ended (not well), but that became a theme for many years. In the years after graduating college, what I had to learn is that, in a twisted way, low self-esteem makes people much more likely to hurt others, because they don’t realize that they have an impact on other people. I have a lot of regrets because of how I treated people during that time.
Fast forward about another 5-7 years, and I eventually got married and had two kids of my own. Despite all the mistakes I made, I ended up with an amazing wife who is so good to me.
How I Started the Process of Moving On
My wife never asked me about my voice or made any comments, but about two years into our marriage, I decided that I should open up to her about it. That was one of the best decisions I have ever made. She actually cried after she asked me, “has anyone ever made fun of you?” and I said, “yeah, my whole life!” She never pressured me to show her my deeper voice or to change, but it still felt too scary for me to talk to her with my real voice even after talking to her about it. Over a period of months, I eventually forced myself to use it around her here and there, and eventually I got comfortable enough around her to start using it. It was scary at first, but she just encouraged me by saying that it sounded great. Around that time, I finally summoned the courage to google “voice never changed”, and that’s when I first learned the term, “puberphonia.”
For about a year, I would use my real, deeper voice at home with my wife and kids, and then use my higher, puberphonia voice around everyone else. Something I noticed is that the more I used my “real” voice, the harder it became to use my higher voice. I think I heard somewhere that Michael Jackson would speak with his higher “head” voice instead of his deeper “chest” voice because he wanted to keep his higher voice warmed up so he could sing with it. In my case, it was becoming more apparent to me that I couldn’t keep using my higher, puberphonia voice after I started using my lower voice at home, because it was becoming hoarser, and if I ever got a head cold or sick at all, it basically made it impossible to talk at all.
About 4 or 5 months ago, I finally summoned a little more courage, and I looked to see if there was a community on reddit for people with puberphonia. That was a big turning point for me to read other people’s experiences. I expressed to my wife that I was tired of feeling like I was pretending around other people when I had a real, “normal” voice that I was getting used to using at home, but I was still terrified to make that change.
Transitioning
I started using my real voice around strangers. Then I decided I wanted to make the transition with one of my soccer teams (I still play in a couple different leagues). I was so anxious before I got to that first game when I started using my real voice.
No one made a single comment.
I knew they could all tell that my voice sounded different, but they didn’t care. They just wanted to win the game, and when I was able to communicate better on the field, that helped accomplish that goal. That gave me a huge boost in confidence that I could do this.
Next was work. I went to one of my coworkers who I’m closest to, and just told him my whole story. He asked a couple questions, and then we moved on. He actually opened up about something difficult in his life, so we had a great conversation that was beneficial to both of us, in the end. Then I just told my other coworkers individually that I was going to start sounding different. Some of them were curious, and others obviously felt too uncomfortable to talk about it. That was about two weeks ago, and it’s never been brought up since.
After that, I decided I wanted to use my real voice around a couple friends. I was even more nervous around these friends because I’ve known them for so long. When we met up with them for a beer, I just started using my deeper voice. Their first reaction was, ‘You sick, man?” It was kind of awkward, but I just explained that I’ve always talked in a higher register, but I’m learning how to use my real voice now. They asked a couple questions, and then we moved on. It was uncomfortable for a few minutes, but now I can use my real voice around them, and nothing else really changed.
I’ve branched out to a few more groups, and I still have a few groups to go, but in total I’ve gone about three weeks straight of using my real voice, and I never want to go back. My wife says that she can tell a huge difference in my confidence level, and everyone I’ve talked to about it has only been encouraging. I’m still nervous about the people I still need to “come out” to, but I am no longer stricken with anxiety leading up to those interactions like I was when I first started this process.
What I Found Helpful
The most helpful thing to getting past it was finding someone I could talk to about it. For me, it was my wife. For others, it could be a close friend or sibling or parent. Desensitizing myself to talking about my voice really helped open the door to change.
If you want to transition to your deeper “real” voice, start practicing using that voice. Maybe in your car by yourself, read a book out loud, or use it around another person you trust. Then find a group of people that is easiest to use it around (strangers, for example) and practice using that voice around them. Then find another group, maybe a group of close friends. As soon as you start using it, it will start to feel normal really fast, and the more groups you open up to, the easier it gets. For some friends, I actually messaged them before I saw them, which gave them a heads up and also prevented me from chickening out when I actually saw them. I just texted something along the lines of, “hey man! I just wanted to give you a heads up that I’ve started seeing a speech therapist, so my voice has started to sound a little different. I just wanted you to know what was going on so I didn’t catch you off guard.” It’s scary to tap send on that text, but once you do, it’s done, and you can move on. I typically have a policy of telling the full truth (I'm not actually seeing a speech therapist), but I haven't found a more concise way to explain why a change is happening. If any of you have found a better explanation, let me know.
For other people I’m not as close to, I just started using my real voice, and hardly anyone has made any comments. That’s the easier route for people I’m not as close to.
Something else that was helpful for me to learn is that my “real” voice still sounds like me. It just doesn’t sound as high-pitched and strained. It just sounds like a normal person. I’ve seen it described somewhere else on this subreddit that your deeper voice can sound like a troll or something, but in reality, it’s just normal.
A lie I told myself for a long time was that since I was getting by just fine with my higher, puberphonia voice, I didn’t need to change. Yes, I went through 20 years of my life that way, and I made friends, I got married, I was able to get hired, but it was like playing life on hard mode. Since I’m a parent now, I've been thinking a lot about how to be the man I can be. Not just for my kids, but also for myself. I did not want to look back on my life and regret who I became. Changing my voice is just part of the process of becoming the man I can be. It’s great to feel like I’m taking another step toward becoming myself.
I don’t know how many of you out there have a similar story to mine, but I hope this was helpful. Feel free to ask me any questions, and I’ll do my best to answer.
TLDR: I had puberphonia for almost 20 years. The largest impact it had on me was drastically lowering my self-esteem, and it took years for me to learn to take myself seriously and expect others to take me seriously as well. I realized that in order to become the person I *want* to be, I have to start using my deeper, “real” voice.
I am finally transitioning to using my real voice, even though I never thought I could do this. I’m about three weeks into this process, and it has really boosted my confidence.
It’s easy to come up with excuses not to transition to your real voice, but it’s possible, and it makes your life better. I promise that this seems like a huge change to you, but to everyone else, it’s not that big of a deal. I wish I had done it 20 years ago, but the second-best time is now.

TL;DR: A friend of mine told me that it's a major red flag if a single mom doesn't have custody of her children, and at first I thought nothing of it, but after seeing how my fiancée's daughter interacts with her mom, I'm seriously re-thinking this decision, and am actually considering leaving this relationship now before anything bad happens.
 
I (40M) have been seeing Jo (36F) for about 8 months, and we recently became engaged. She has a 14-year-old daughter, Kelsey, with her ex-husband. Kelsey lives with her father in another city and only comes to see Jo when she gets a vacation from school, so I've only seen her a few times, most recently over spring break. I've gotten the impression that Kelsey doesn't especially enjoy these visits with her mom. She usually is on the phone with her friends or watching videos on TikTok, and always seems like she wants to go home. She sounds annoyed whenever Jo tries to talk to her, even if Jo is simply asking Kelsey what she'd like for dinner. Initially I dismissed it as simply her going through typical teenage stuff, and that she might feel differently when she gets older.
When Jo and I began dating, she told me that she really missed her daughter and that her ex-husband was an unfit father due to him being a workaholic who hardly spent anytime with his wife or daughter, and that it wasn't fair that he got legal custody and she didn't. When we got engaged, she asked me if I would help her get custody after we got married. I said yes. We told Kelsey the news of our engagement the most recent time Kelsey visited, after which she became even more cold towards Jo, flat out ignoring her when she tried to talk to her. Jo asked me if I could talk to Kelsey by myself. I told her I didn't think it would be a good idea, but she insisted, so I did.
At first Kelsey ignored me and told me to go away. I asked her if she could at least tell me why she didn't want to talk to her mother, and she told me how she felt about her mother using a word that no parent wants to hear their child refer to them as. I didn't want to upset her further, so I came back out and told Jo what she said. Jo told me that she wasn't surprised that Kelsey said that and thanked me for trying to talk to her. Once again, I chalked it up to Kelsey just being a typical teenager.
However, the other night I went out with a friend of mine whom I haven't seen for a while. We were catching up, and I told him that Jo and I were engaged and I was going to help her get custody of Kelsey. Now my friend knew that I was seeing Jo but I had never mentioned to him before that she had previously been married and had a daughter, and was trying to get custody. My friend seemed shocked by this, and he told me that most of the time, when parents get divorced, the mom is the one who gets primary custody, and is in charge of all the major decisions regarding parenting, and the fact that she doesn't have custody is a major red flag as it means she's not a good mother. Now I don't know a whole lot about custody arrangements aside from what Jo has told me, as nobody in my immediate family has been divorced, however I was dismissive of this too as my friend can be very opinionated. He has even less knowledge about this than I do as he's never been in a serious relationship, which is something he's rather insecure about. So aside from being mildly annoyed when he said this, I didn't think too much of it, as he's always been like this.
Jo had told me when we first started dating that she had made some bad choices in the past, but had learned from her mistakes and was working hard to be a better person for the sake of her daughter, and her ex was just a big. However the more I've been thinking about it, I'm starting to think that there's more to this whole thing than Kelsey simply dealing with teenage stuff, and perhaps something happened that has made Kelsey really resent her mother. I have never met Kelsey's father and my opinion of him is entirely based on everything that Jo has complained about. I assumed that Jo's ex was a deadbeat dad who was spending all his free time getting drunk with his friends, but it actually sounds like he's a hard worker, and maybe Jo wasn't happy about this because he wasn't spending quite as much time with his wife and daughter as she would have liked, but at the same time was committed to providing his family with a roof over their head and money for all the necessities, and from what it sounds like, even some luxuries such as the occasional trip to Disneyland. It sounds like when he isn't tired from work, he actually is a good father.
I could be overthinking this, but I don't want to be contributing to Kelsey's issues with her mother, especially if there's anything going on that Jo hasn't told me about, and because of this I'm considering breaking up with her. I don't want to commit to anything without knowing what I'm getting myself into before I do so. I love Jo, but if she's actually is an unfit mother, I don't want to be in a position where I'm having to make excuses for her, especially if she's in denial about it and refuses to get help for whatever issues she might be having. I don't want to be part of the problem. However, if I were to break up with her, and it turns out that I actually am worrying about nothing, she might be too hurt to forgive me.
I already ended one relationship back when I was in my early 20s because I incorrectly believed that my girlfriend at the time was cheating on me, and after we had broken up, and I discovered that she was actually telling the truth when she said she wasn't cheating, she understandably was too hurt to want to give our relationship another try. I don't want to make the same mistake with Jo, but the situation is very different as she has a kid whom I promised I'd help her get custody of, and I don't want to break my promise unless I absolutely have to.
I want to do the right thing, but I don't know what the right thing is. Should I end things now before I potentially become part of the problem rather than the solution?

I’ll try to keep it short.. I work in supply chain for airfreight. Not unusual that this sort of work comes with a lot of stress, but I just can’t tell if I’m nearing a burn out or literally even experiencing it.
Let me start by saying I never liked the working hours, and I never got used to it. I kinda work 10-6 standard but overtime is almost guaranteed. On Fridays almost always until 7~7:30. I started at this place 3y ago and it was very busy during lockdown times, having come from a simple 8-4 job it was unbelievably stressful and I realized what I had given up… but I’d never go back to the previous shit pay I had. So I kept going.
Over time things didn’t keep being as busy and I got sorta used to the hours and could start a bit earlier for around 2 years… until now. Suddenly we got new clients and I need to drop everything else to get it all out and arrange it for delivery in 4 (!) days. It’s basically receiving documents and making all the papers in the same day, for like 20-30 files daily.
I have had daily 9-10h working days for the past 2 weeks. I skip lunch, I get home with a stressful feeling in my stomach leaving me not hungry, I have the urge to deeply sigh once home and it physically hurts. I can’t get work out of my mind and even dream about it. I have 0 energy left for anything else.
Despite all that I do good work but I feel so empty by the end of the day because I have to concentrate every single minute of the day.
Are these burn out signs or am I on the way? I am slowly settling on the idea to look for something else because even if it’s no burn out.. I hate how it’s making me feel. I feel I can’t keep doing this. And I’m tired of having to give up my personal life for my job..

Summary: Luckily, you and your spy partner managed to escape those guys who were after you. Now, after you were questioned about the incident, the both of you finally get the chance to talk a bit more. You two decide to go for a small walk to finally talk things out. After all, your partner has a lot of explaining to do. However, they’re definitely not the only one…
Notes:
" * ... * ": emphasis
"(...)": suggested emotions / actions / sounds
"[...]": Listener speaking
Don't forget to give credit (; Enjoy!
Script:
(Footsteps as Speaker walks over to Listener)
(softly) Hey… can we talk?
[…]
(with a chuckle) Yeah, I guess we kinda have to at this point. (mumbling to himself) So much has happened these last few hours…
[…]
Oh, do share some of that water with me, will ya?
(Speaker laughs and drinks water from the Listener’s bottle. Speaker takes a deep breath in and out)
[…]
Now, about that talk… I wouldn’t really recommend it happening right here. I mean, we’re in a building full of highly trained agents and spies. You never know who could be listening. Hmm… but where could we go?
[…]
The park? (hesitant) I don’t know... it is quite late already…
[…]
Don’t give me those puppy dog eyes again. You know very well that they always work on me. Nope… I’m not giving in… I’m not giving in… I-… (sigh, with a slight chuckle) Fine… you win. We’ll go to the park.
[…]
Damn it, your cuteness just gets me every time. Come on then, grab my hand.
(Speaker and Listener walk for a bit)
Let’s sit over there! On that small bench.
(They sit down)
(relaxed sigh) Ahh… how nice to finally be able to relax after this long and stressful day. God… I don’t even want to think about today’s events. Neither do you, I bet…
(worried) By the way, is your ankle okay?
[…]
I know that they treated your ankle already. I was the one who asked them to do so. I was pissed anyway since they insisted on interrogating you. But still… you know I hate it when you’re hurt.
[…]
Are you sure it’s fine? You know you don’t have to act so damn tough around me all the time, right?
[…]
Okay, honey. Just… let me know if you need anything.
[…]
Me? Don’t worry, I’m fine. Just a few cuts… nothing too serious. I’ve been through worse.
(Small pause)
(quietly) I feel so bad. I hurt you a lot today…
[…]
Yes, I did. If it weren’t for me these men never would’ve seen you. And now that they have who knows if they come back and try to hurt you again. And not only did I end up causing you physical pain… but mental pain as well. I can’t even imagine what you must be going through right now. Everything has been a lie. Our entire relationship… everything you thought that you knew about me.
[…]
(confused) Huh? What do you mean, sweetheart? I… I’m not really… following? You knew what exactly?
[…]
Everything? You… you knew everything? Everything about… my job?
[…]
Everything about me? Wait… but… how?
[…]
(shocked) You… followed me to work? (angry) Why would you do that?! Don’t you trust me? (less angry) I mean… I guess I kind of lied to you… but still!
[…]
(confused but slowly being more alert) Wait… what exactly do you mean by that? What does “hired to do so” mean? By who? And why?!
[…]
Bring me… in? (more alert, dark) You… you’re working for my enemies, aren’t you?
(sound of a gun being loaded)
(stuttering but trying to act threatening) Hands up in the air! (close to tearing up) I… I don’t really want to hurt you… but I have to if you’re actually working for these bastards!
(slowly starting to slur their words and growing tired) Come back to the… the Headquarters with… me and then we can… we… we can talk and… what… what is going on?
[…]
What is that… expression on your… f- face? Wait… did you…
[…]
Sleeping… pills? Oh no… no no no… I need to call for backup. Where’s my-… equipment…
(Pause as Speaker realizes that Listener took it from them)
You… took… it..?
(sounds of clothes shuffling as Speaker tries to take their phone out their pocket)
(slowly falling asleep) I… I need to get… my phone and… call… uhh… the… the…
(Struggling to stay awake) No! I… I need to stay awake… and call for help and… and… I…
[…]
You’re… bringing me to… to your… b- boss? You… you… (very weakly) traitor…
(Thud as Speaker’s body hits the ground)
(The sound of a phone number being dialed, slowly fading out as Speaker loses consciousness)

I put the script in scriptbin for ease of recording (I heard some VA's prefer reading it from there): Virtual-Grade592: [F4A] Witch girlfriend made a voodoo doll of you. [magic] [witch] [voodoo doll] [caring] - scriptbin
It's okay to fill this script and make minor adjustments. Please give me credit for writing the script and put a link in the comments so that I can find your audio. It's okay to paywall, but send me a copy of the audio then.
(The listener had an accident that left their legs paralyzed. Their witchy girlfriend, the speaker, has been taking care of them.)
[witch arrives back home]
*glad to be home* Hi darling I’m back.
[pause]
*worried* What’s wrong? You look really disturbed. Did something happen?
[pause]
*concerned* You had a sharp feeling in your legs? Honey, I thought you couldn’t feel your legs since the accident. What caused this?
[pause]
*curious* You don’t know? You only had this feeling for a moment and your leg twitched while it happened? I think I know what happened. Hang on, give me a moment.
[witch rummages through her bag and grabs something]
Ah here it is. Okay sweetie, I’m going to try something and you tell me when you feel something in your legs. If it starts to hurt, tell me to stop.
[pause]
Ready? Okay, here it goes.
[pause]
*gasp of surprise. In a triumphant tone the witch says* It works! Sweetheart, your leg moved. That’s amazing, isn’t it?
[pause]
*soothing* Honey, there is no need to be so concerned. Everything is fine. These aren’t random spasms. Your legs are moving because of this thing.
[witch takes a voodoo doll out of her bag and shows it to the listener]
*excited* Tada. I made a voodoo doll of you. I wasn’t sure if I could move your legs this way, but luckily it can. The feeling in your legs earlier today was probably my spell taking hold.
[pause]
Yeah darling, I made this doll to make you walk again. It’s been such a struggle since you got into that wheelchair. With this you may not need it anymore.
[pause]
*gently explaining* How does it work? To put it simply, it links your body to this doll. If the doll moves, it forces your body to move. Magic flows from the doll to the corresponding muscles and makes them move. It’s impossible for the victim to resist. Usually witches and wizards use them for nefarious purposes. I’ve never considered using one. But when your legs got paralyzed, I realised something. A voodoo doll bypasses the nervous system. It simply uses magic to move the muscles. So even if the nerves in your legs don’t work, a voodoo doll still might.
[pause]
Yeah it sounds exciting right? Let’s see how easy you can walk with this.
[sound of slow footsteps]
*happy* Oh look at you honey. You’re finally walking again. Step by step as I move this doll. How does this feel?
[continued footsteps]
Weird? I suppose it would be weird to have someone else move your legs. I’ll sit you down and give you the doll. Then you can try it for yourself.
[listener sits down and the speaker hands them the doll]
Here you go. *playfully* Now don’t play too much with yourself.
[pause]
*slightly disappointed* Well I thought it was a good joke. Nevermind, go ahead and use the doll.
[cautiously the listener uses the doll to get up and take a few steps]
*elated* You are doing amazing. You look like your old self.
[pause]
Yeah I bet it feels good. You look so ecstatic just stretching your legs.
[quick footsteps as the listener begins to run]
*apprehensive* Honey, slow down. You might
[sound of listener falling on the floor]
Slip and fall. It didn’t hurt too much, did it?
[pause]
*relieved* Phew. You’re lucky you didn’t fall on the voodoo doll. Now I’ll get you back in bed before you hurt yourself again.
[the witch grunts as she lifts the listener on the bed]
[the witch is a bit exhausted and catches their breath for a moment]
There you go, back in your comfy bed.
[pause]
*tired* Darling, I know you want to use the doll more, but I’m tired. I’ve been working on it all day and lifting you also takes its toll on me. I just want to lay back and relax. Is it okay if we wait for tomorrow to try again?
[pause]
*glad* Thank you honey. I’m sure you’ll get the hang of it in time. And once you can keep your balance with the doll, you’ll be as mobile as before.
[pause]
Yeah I can’t wait for it as well. And it’s good to see you so optimistic. I’ve missed that happy smile on your face.
[pause]
*giggling from joy* Aw that’s so sweet. I know I’m the best girlfriend. But you are a great partner too.
[pause]
Let me put this voodoo doll somewhere safe. We wouldn’t want the roomba to suddenly swallow it. So let’s lay it down safely on your nightstand.
[pause]
Hang on. *Evil giggle* If I tilt the doll to lay on its hip and bend its knees, then you’ll lay in a perfect position for spooning. *More giggling* Looks like I’ll be the big spoon tonight.
[the witch lays down next to the speaker and spoons them]
*teasingly* You can complain all you want, but if you really didn’t like this, you wouldn’t snuggle so close to me. Besides the doll is within arm’s reach, so you could simply move if you wanted to leave.
[pause]
*amused* Oh, adjusting the doll to get more comfortable? Are you liking your position, little spoon?
[pause]
You’re not complaining now. In fact you seem to really enjoy it. I should’ve made that doll a lot earlier. That way we could’ve been cuddling like this a long time ago.
[pause]
You want to be big spoon sometimes as well? Okay darling, as soon as you get used to moving with the doll, you can place yourself as the big spoon.
[pause]
Yeah I’m excited for tomorrow too. Now go to sleep, you’ll need your energy for tomorrow. And remember, I love you.
[the end]

I put the script in scriptbin for ease of recording (I heard some VA's prefer reading it from there): Virtual-Grade592: [F4A] Witch girlfriend made a voodoo doll of you. [magic] [witch] [voodoo doll] [caring] - scriptbin
It's okay to fill this script and make minor adjustments. Please give me credit for writing the script and put a link in the comments so that I can find your audio. It's okay to paywall, but send me a copy of the audio then.
(The listener had an accident that left their legs paralyzed. Their witchy girlfriend, the speaker, has been taking care of them.)
[witch arrives back home]
*glad to be home* Hi darling I’m back.
[pause]
*worried* What’s wrong? You look really disturbed. Did something happen?
[pause]
*concerned* You had a sharp feeling in your legs? Honey, I thought you couldn’t feel your legs since the accident. What caused this?
[pause]
*curious* You don’t know? You only had this feeling for a moment and your leg twitched while it happened? I think I know what happened. Hang on, give me a moment.
[witch rummages through her bag and grabs something]
Ah here it is. Okay sweetie, I’m going to try something and you tell me when you feel something in your legs. If it starts to hurt, tell me to stop.
[pause]
Ready? Okay, here it goes.
[pause]
*gasp of surprise. In a triumphant tone the witch says* It works! Sweetheart, your leg moved. That’s amazing, isn’t it?
[pause]
*soothing* Honey, there is no need to be so concerned. Everything is fine. These aren’t random spasms. Your legs are moving because of this thing.
[witch takes a voodoo doll out of her bag and shows it to the listener]
*excited* Tada. I made a voodoo doll of you. I wasn’t sure if I could move your legs this way, but luckily it can. The feeling in your legs earlier today was probably my spell taking hold.
[pause]
Yeah darling, I made this doll to make you walk again. It’s been such a struggle since you got into that wheelchair. With this you may not need it anymore.
[pause]
*gently explaining* How does it work? To put it simply, it links your body to this doll. If the doll moves, it forces your body to move. Magic flows from the doll to the corresponding muscles and makes them move. It’s impossible for the victim to resist. Usually witches and wizards use them for nefarious purposes. I’ve never considered using one. But when your legs got paralyzed, I realised something. A voodoo doll bypasses the nervous system. It simply uses magic to move the muscles. So even if the nerves in your legs don’t work, a voodoo doll still might.
[pause]
Yeah it sounds exciting right? Let’s see how easy you can walk with this.
[sound of slow footsteps]
*happy* Oh look at you honey. You’re finally walking again. Step by step as I move this doll. How does this feel?
[continued footsteps]
Weird? I suppose it would be weird to have someone else move your legs. I’ll sit you down and give you the doll. Then you can try it for yourself.
[listener sits down and the speaker hands them the doll]
Here you go. *playfully* Now don’t play too much with yourself.
[pause]
*slightly disappointed* Well I thought it was a good joke. Nevermind, go ahead and use the doll.
[cautiously the listener uses the doll to get up and take a few steps]
*elated* You are doing amazing. You look like your old self.
[pause]
Yeah I bet it feels good. You look so ecstatic just stretching your legs.
[quick footsteps as the listener begins to run]
*apprehensive* Honey, slow down. You might
[sound of listener falling on the floor]
Slip and fall. It didn’t hurt too much, did it?
[pause]
*relieved* Phew. You’re lucky you didn’t fall on the voodoo doll. Now I’ll get you back in bed before you hurt yourself again.
[the witch grunts as she lifts the listener on the bed]
[the witch is a bit exhausted and catches their breath for a moment]
There you go, back in your comfy bed.
[pause]
*tired* Darling, I know you want to use the doll more, but I’m tired. I’ve been working on it all day and lifting you also takes its toll on me. I just want to lay back and relax. Is it okay if we wait for tomorrow to try again?
[pause]
*glad* Thank you honey. I’m sure you’ll get the hang of it in time. And once you can keep your balance with the doll, you’ll be as mobile as before.
[pause]
Yeah I can’t wait for it as well. And it’s good to see you so optimistic. I’ve missed that happy smile on your face.
[pause]
*giggling from joy* Aw that’s so sweet. I know I’m the best girlfriend. But you are a great partner too.
[pause]
Let me put this voodoo doll somewhere safe. We wouldn’t want the roomba to suddenly swallow it. So let’s lay it down safely on your nightstand.
[pause]
Hang on. *Evil giggle* If I tilt the doll to lay on its hip and bend its knees, then you’ll lay in a perfect position for spooning. *More giggling* Looks like I’ll be the big spoon tonight.
[the witch lays down next to the speaker and spoons them]
*teasingly* You can complain all you want, but if you really didn’t like this, you wouldn’t snuggle so close to me. Besides the doll is within arm’s reach, so you could simply move if you wanted to leave.
[pause]
*amused* Oh, adjusting the doll to get more comfortable? Are you liking your position, little spoon?
[pause]
You’re not complaining now. In fact you seem to really enjoy it. I should’ve made that doll a lot earlier. That way we could’ve been cuddling like this a long time ago.
[pause]
You want to be big spoon sometimes as well? Okay darling, as soon as you get used to moving with the doll, you can place yourself as the big spoon.
[pause]
Yeah I’m excited for tomorrow too. Now go to sleep, you’ll need your energy for tomorrow. And remember, I love you.
[the end]

To start, I am disabled. It takes a long time for me to get stuff done.
I've been trying to get a bird and insect garden started: it's 928 sq. feet. So far I've got the grass and weeds dead by spraying 20% vinegar. Then, after that was done, I scraped, mowed and thatched. Those last jobs took three days. Today I got 50 .75 cubic feet bags of top soil and dumped them out in the area and finished getting my border boards ready to go in.
Needless to say, I hurt. Plain and simple: I HURT !!! I can barely stand, I'm so exhausted. It was all I could do to shower.
I told my husband I wasn't going to eat supper; what did he want to do.
"Well, if it wouldn't be too much trouble, I'd like you to fix me 'something'."
I'm tired, sick and tired. But it's all my fault; I don't like asking anyone for help. Especially if I have to spend more time explaining what I want done. I'd rather do it myself, because I'll end up having to redo it anyway. No, I'm not picky. You should see some of the things I think are 'good enough'. It's that weaponized incompetence I hate.
He's more than capable of fixing a sandwich or soup or whatever. But since I'm the 'little woman', guess who's shoulders all that crap falls on. Don't even get me started on when I was working full time (but shouldn't have been) and would have to grocery shop, fix meals, clean house, all while he sat on his retired ass and did nothing but complain because I hadn't dusted that week.
He bought two pounds of strawberries this morning. Guess who got to prep them for shortcake that I don't even eat?!?
Okay. I'm off my soapbox now and going to fix the dog's dinner and make tuna salad for his majesty, 'cause I have busted my butt enough today.
Thanks for listening.

I posted this in other LGBTQ+ subreddits, but not this one. Also, since pride month is coming up, it made me think of this again. I'd also like to know about who you think of when it comes to closeted characters.
When I look back at some of the shows and movies I watched as a kid, I realize that some characters weren't straight, or didn't seem straight. A lot of things that I couldn't understand at the time, like innuendos, were easily missed because I wasn't exposed to LGBTQ+ stuff at the time. I didn't even know gay people existed until 2011 when I started high school and further didn't know that some of my friends were closeted before that. They all might not be confirmed though, but are for speculation. So looking back, I can think of some characters from a few shows and movies. If you have any or want to talk about what I responded with, feel free to reply.
Notes: 1) I’m not adding Velma because there is a current lesbian Velma post-2015 and she was confirmed to be queer-coded in previous incarnations. But for the sake of Velma, there are instances where she is with Daphne and checks her out even though she crushes on male characters in the shows. In the 2002 movie, Scooby Doo, Velma and Daphne kiss, but it’s taken out of the movie to keep it PG. 2) For the same reason, I won’t add Korra and Asami as there is a confirmation in The Legend of Korra: Turf Wars. 3) Examples that don’t have some level of a firm confirmation, or that are a longer series, will have more detailed explanations so if you want the TLDR, just bolded titles. 4) Also not adding Marceline and Bonnibel Bubblegum because they've been confirmed
Mulan (1998): Li Shang - biromantic.
Li Shang develops romantic feelings for “Ping” until realizing he’s a woman and gets disappointed. Later on, he develops romantic feelings for Mulan. I didn’t realize it until someone pointed it out later on some time on social media. Like most Disney films, the attraction between them tends to build in the middle of the movie before the climax or during the rising action. In the movie, when they are training, Li Shang pays more attention to “Ping” than he does to the other soldiers. This happens at the same time when the romance normally starts in Disney movies as I mentioned earlier, during the rising action and before the climax. If we’re going to look for the most possible straight explanation for this, he was impressed by the skills “Ping” demonstrated. Eventually, he was disappointed that “Ping” was really a woman named Mulan; and with her being a woman, it wasn’t right for her to be in the army. But in the end, he falls for her anyway and they get married in Mulan II. Some people like to say that his disappointment in knowing the true gender was that he was upset about thinking he was falling for a man, but was really falling for a woman. The normal reaction would probably be shock instead of disappointment.
Victorious (2010 - 2013): Jade and Tori - questioning, heteroflexible, biromantic/bisexual
This will be my longest because it has the most potential examples, probably due to being the longest running of these. With this one, I didn't realize until earlier this month. I think everyone was completely straight except these two. I thought that maybe Jade probably developed some sort of feelings for Tori because of her ability to handle Jade’s behavior and the fact that she’s the first to stand up to her and yet still show Jade kindness. This is the classic enemies-to-lovers trope and it’s seen in some other Nickelodeon shows: Josh and Mindy from Drake & Josh (2004 – 2007), Sam and Freddie from iCarly (2007 – 2012) [however, this one wasn’t great because this relationship was short, toxic, and was only fueled by passion], and Logan and Quinn from Zoey 101 (2005 – 2008) and Zoey 102 (2023). But the likely reason behind this not happening is due to them being girls and this show not having seasons in the later years when gay marriage was legalized. However, on June 25th, 2021, one of Nickelodeon’s YouTube channels called NickRewind posted a video titled “Should Tori Vega Date Jade West Bae or Nay 🖤💔NickRewind”. This shows that Nickelodeon’s staff is aware of the fact that this could’ve and should’ve been a thing, that fans have shipped them, and that the two characters have to at least be bi since this was during Pride Month and it would’ve happened if there were more seasons after 2015.
Beck is the only other person who isn’t Tori who actively challenges Jade and puts her in her place. That may be something that she likes in a person. She seems to like someone who stands up for themselves against her and can match her energy. The only other character Jade crushes on, along with Cat and Tori, is Moose in the episode “Three Girls and a Moose” but he’s the only one of Jade’s romantic interests who doesn’t challenge her because she doesn’t antagonize him. In many instances, Jade mocks Tori using a Southern Belle accent or a 1940s movie star accent. Tori usually defends herself by saying she doesn’t talk like that. This interaction implies that they don't like each other. But, this could provide Jade some sort of enjoyment for a few reasons: 1) mocking someone like what she does with Cat sometimes when she laughs, and/or 2) the fact that she knows Tori will defend herself might be a turn-on for Jade, which would then lead to 3) Jade does this because she secretly views Tori as someone sweet, popular, and attractive. The fact that Tori doesn’t get everyone else to turn on Jade, which very much could’ve happened if she wanted to as she is very likable and has gained the loyalty of the majority of the group, shows Tori cares enough about Jade to want to be her friend. Eventually, they respect each other to the point of helping each other and Jade somewhat admits that Tori is a friend of hers. This shows that Tori’s persistence and general nice nature worked on Jade of all people. This is the classic enemies-to-friends trope. But it felt like there was more between these two that I didn’t realize until now.
(Jade and Tori helping each other [Mainly Jade needing Tori’s help])
Jade goes to Tori for help whether or not Beck is an option as it seems she allows herself to be vulnerable around her despite claiming Tori as her rival that she doesn’t like (although, the rivalry is one-sided). Jade could go to anyone when she’s upset and needs help but usually chooses Tori. Tori is the person Jade goes to especially when it’s about Beck. One would assume that she would go to André because he is the level-headed one of the group and is Beck’s best friend, which could mean he would know Beck more to help her about their relationship issues. Another assumption would be that she could also go to Cat for help seeing as she is her best female friend in the beginning of the show (mainly because she can’t see Cat as a threat) but Cat is a very ditzy person and might not be as helpful. She could even go to her own boyfriend unless it’s about him. If she hates Tori so much and nobody else would be available, she could go to Robbie; but similar to Cat, he might not be much help. Jade and Tori also push each other to do things that benefit them when they don’t think they can. In “Jade Dumps Beck” Jade comes to Tori’s house and uses a broken kite as a metaphor for her problem and that Tori is the one she needs to go to in order to fix it. In “Freak the Freak Out” Jade, along with Cat, need Tori to defeat Hayley and Tara. This was also Jade’s plan and not necessarily Cat’s, but Cat agreed that it was a good one. In “Wok Star,” Jade needs Tori’s help again because of Jade’s play and her dad. She even hugs Tori after she receives help because she felt that she couldn’t deny Tori’s request for a hug. Tori prevents Sheema from brutally hurting Jade any further in “Locked Up!” This also shows that while Jade can insult people, she can’t fight. Ironically, she needs Tori, who is visibly skinnier than her and not aggressive at all, to protect her.
(Jade and Tori interacting well)
Throughout the show, we slowly see them become less hostile to each other. At the end of the “Stage Fighting” episode, they work together to clean up the set. This is probably due to Jade’s inability to accept the fact that she could owe Tori a favor and some level of guilt because Tori took all of the blame while knowing Jade lied. When Tori is trying to figure out what to give Trina in “The Birthweek Song”, Jade suggests some talent. This could be interpreted as Jade acknowledging Tori has talent, but she didn’t say that Tori should give some of her talent; and therefore, this might just be her way of saying Trina is untalented. Jade also doesn’t get as bothered as before about being touched when Tori does it in later episodes like in “Survival of the Hottest/Trapped in an RV” and in that episode, Jade and Tori share the last drop of water from a water bottle. In “Beck’s Big Break,” Jade tries to stop Tori from correcting Melinda Murray. This may be because she doesn’t want Tori to get in trouble even though that seems out of character for Jade. The other possibility is the fear that Beck would get fired because she cares for her boyfriend. They also work together to destroy a car in “The Wood” even though it ends with them damaging Festus’ car. They end up singing “Forever Baby” in both English and Spanish on cue. Also, in one of the segments for The Slap, there’s a request that someone gives to Tori to have someone who she doesn’t like very much peel dry glue that Tori should pour onto one of her hands while playing “Make It Shine” in the background. She picks Jade, who also doesn’t want to be with her; but in the end, they are enjoying themselves.
(Romantic/suggestive moments)
In “The Wood” after Jade tells Tori about her things in her room, she does a weird smirk and growl at her. Although it seems very confusing, it still implies that Jade was interested enough to want to go into her room. Although Jade made a growl like noise to Tori, Tori is confused. One would think that Jade making that comment implies Tori has things like sex toys. But Tori would’ve be embarrassed instead of confused. In “Tori Gets Stuck” when Tori is woozy, Jade offers to take her off Tori’s dress as an attempt to try to take the lead role from Tori in the Steamboat Suzy play. It’s obvious that she wants the lead role; but on top of nearly killing her in this episode, she is also willing to remove her clothes without shame. Then in the next episode, “Prom Wrecker” when Tori licks Jade’s can of Wahoo Punch out of anger for Jade ruining the Prome and Jade still continues to drink out of it either because she doesn’t care or because it’s the closest opportunity Jade will have to “kissing” Tori. They also wear similar dresses, but in different colors which can be seen as an obsession Jade has over Tori. Jade’s side of the story in “Who did it to Trina?” involves Tori asking “Why can’t I be pretty like you?” and Jade further goes along with the idea of Tori thinking she’s pretty by responding to Tori’s comment about Jade being demented with “Oh, so you think I’m pretty and demented?” which is something she probably longs for Tori to tell her (the pretty part). Jade also insults her in a way that also makes Tori seem perfect like she usually does. Tori points at Jade when she says “Baby, til you believe” during the “365 Days” performance in “Jade Gets Crushed. Jade knows that Tori isn’t pointing at Beck because she traces the finger to her left and looks that way and sees Lane dancing and probably assumes it was for him or that she was randomly pointing. Jade doesn’t assume Tori would point at her because Jade probably can’t fathom Tori being into her after their interactions. Then the next line is “It’s not just a phase.” Many people can associate this phrase with people who are openly LGBTQ+ and Tori pointed at Jade, so that could be another hint. This could’ve been some way for Tori to try to express feelings towards Jade without being so obvious. In “A Christmas Tori” there are a few instances of Jade’s potential crush on Tori. When Cat gives Jade a pair of scissors from “The Scissoring” Tori asks if it’s the movie about the girl who comes back from the dead and uses a pair of scissors on her two best friends. Beck replies with “Yep.” Jade, while staring at Tori, responds with “Starting with the pretty girl.” This implies that she thinks that Tori is pretty. Before revealing that she is Tori’s secret Santa, Jade allows Tori to pat her down to check if she has her new scissors on her. Keep in mind that Jade has stated that she hates being touched. While doing a pat down, Tori glances at Jade’s breasts twice (it’s possible this could’ve been Victoria Justice’s own intention in the moment, but still). As for Jade’s present to Tori, an idea for André’s project, there are moments in the choreographed performance where Tori touches Jade twice, on her nose and then on her back directly above her butt. Also, the “Jack Frost nipping at your nose” lyrics are accompanied with Tori touching Jade’s nose and then Jade growls. Keep in mind that this is Jade’s present to Tori. Therefore, the touching and every other choreographed part had to have been Jade’s idea, the same girl who supposedly hates being touched. It’s also worth mentioning that earlier in the episode Jade is upset that she has to be Tori’s secret Santa and begs for Sikowitz to assign her anyone else. Either she hates Tori and can’t stand the idea of giving her a gift, or she is secretly in love Tori and is afraid to give Tori a meaningful gift and potentially reveal her feelings towards Tori. So for her gift, this could be her attempt in this assignment to not only give Tori a present, but to exchange physical contact. She could’ve realized that she could avoid giving Tori something that reveals her feelings by instead turning it into an opportunity for Tori to help André. Beck has mentioned in “Jade Dumps Beck” that the only thing Jade has given him for one of his birthdays was a can of lemonade. This brings another question: If she had anyone else, what would she give? Is she a bad gift giver? Beck is her boyfriend and she couldn’t even find an appropriate gift for him on his birthday. With André’s dilemma, she could’ve helped him with his project. She basically did considering her gift to Tori was an idea for his presentation. Considering Beck’s dilemma, she could’ve found a way to catch and/or kill the cricket. That leaves 2 other people, Robbie and Cat. She probably could’ve helped Robbie or Cat by getting them to finally confess their feelings and become a couple. This episode would’ve probably made her learn how to give a meaningful gift either way. But the question remains, why was she so against the idea of being her secret Santa? What would she do if André didn’t need help and Tori found a way to give him a meaningful gift? Is it her hate for Tori that makes her not want to give her a gift? Does she have romantic feelings for Tori and therefore her giving her a gift will flood her mind with thoughts of Tori and frustrate Jade more? “Tori and Jade’s Playdate” shows that Jade finally receives the wish of being called pretty by Tori. After complaining about each other, Tori suggests that they have a conversation and compliment each other. Jade says to Tori that her singing isn’t awful. Tori then says she admires that Jade isn’t afraid to say what she thinks. Jade then awkwardly says that Tori is pretty at certain angles. Tori genuinely smiles after hearing that. But when Jade wants Tori to tell her that she is pretty, Tori does so and they become silent. Their reactions upon being called pretty from each other made it seem like Jade always wanted to hear Tori call her pretty and Tori always wanted to hear Jade call her pretty. Simultaneously, it seemed like they both wanted to call each other pretty. But when it happens, they don't know how to respond. One thing that gets noticed is that Tori wears a necklace that somehow gets worn by Jade after the episode. This implies that Tori gave it to her, or she stole it. But it wouldn’t really add up. That necklace has been with Tori for a while. Why would she suddenly give it to Jade if no feelings were involved? Was she being nice and gifted it to her? Why would Jade specifically choose to wear that necklace later on? How did Jade get it? Could she have stolen it? Or did she feel some way for her? In “Tori Goes Platinum,” while Jade says that she looks like an idiot, Tori replies with “A … pretty pink idiot … with a thing on her head.” This is another moment where Tori calls Jade pretty, but this time without being asked to. In the episode “Brain Squeezers” after attempting to lie to Tori to get on Tori’s team and failing, Jade grabs Tori’s shirt before threatening her and then glances inside it looking at Tori’s bra/breasts as she does so. (Again, can’t tell if this was Elizabeth’s wandering eyes thing or a Jade thing). While it was an April Fools’ episode, in “April Fools Blank” Jade tickles Tori and Tori invites it by lifting up her shirt in a way that looks suggestive.
(Moments where they have to or unintentionally act like a couple)
They have had to act like a couple in “Helen Back Again” for a lesson about subtext with Cat being their daughter. In “Car, Rain & Fire” they unintentionally act like a tired, married couple who take their annoying daughter somewhere. In this case, Cat is the “daughter” again. Tori even reminds Jade about soaking in the fumes of Mona Patterson. Tori is sitting shotgun instead of Cat, the person who wanted to do this, and when Cat starts to cry, Tori tells Jade “Just drive the child to San Diego.” And in the “Tori and Jade’s Playdate” episode, they play a couple. I think the writers poke fun at the idea of them being a couple, but all it does is make fans want more and it comes off as queer baiting.
(Others)
In “Crazy Ponnie” Jade is interested in getting a Tori doll similar to the one in the episode, possibly because it’s Tori or the fact that it said it was evil. In “The Hambone King” Jade is the first to point out that Tori won.
(TheSlap)
On a picture titled "Jade all prettied up" in Tori's Freak the Freak Out Gallery she tagged it as "Jade looks hot in this pic but don't tell her I said so. She doesn't like when I compliment her cuz it takes all the fun out of insulting me." Tori compliments Jade’s new look even though Jade hypothetically wouldn’t want it. Tori admits that Jade dressed pretty for the Prome. On Jade’s birthday, Tori was the only one to respond. When Jade talks about going to an abandoned mall and asking if anyone wants to come, Tori responds with a yes. Most of this just seems like Tori’s one-sided desire for Jade, whether it be physical attraction or friendship.
Kill la Kill (2013 - 2014): Ryuko and Mako - lesbians.
Mako would always have those moments where she would be near Ryuko and do some weird thing that involved touching her a lot in different places. In the last episode, she admits to Ryuko that she wants to date her and even kisses her in one of her weird moments where she says that she wants to go on a date with Ryuko when everything is done. Ryuko, under the influence of Junketsu, kisses Nui. Controlled or not, she still decided to kiss a girl. Ryuko does go on that date with Mako, even though Satsuki accompanies them. Some people argue that Ryuko and Mako aren’t lesbians and try to say that all of this is platonic. It’s probably because they, usually the homophobic ones, don’t like to admit that characters in one of their favorite shows can be gay. Also, Mako is the only one who can calm Ryuko down at times. This is either because she’s Ryuko’s friend, or maybe because Ryuko feels romantic feelings for Mako. Also, maybe the scissors are an innuendo. Yet there isn’t really a confirmation of this by the creators for some reason.

https://www.halowaypoint.com/news/community-corner-lasinity
Header Image ^[Imgur]
Welcome back to the Community Corner!
Last time, we had a chat with EtherealEOD—the fantastic 3D digital artist whose work has graced many Spotlight blogs.
This month, we are joined by LaSinity to learn about her personal journey with the Halo series and what she gets up to as a full-time content creator.
Welcome, LaSinity! Thank you for joining us for this issue of the Community Corner. Tell us a bit about who you are, what you do in the Halo community, and where we can find you online.
First of all, thank you so much for having me—it really is incredible to have this opportunity. ****
My name is LaSinity, but you can totally call me Sin. I'm a full-time content creator and aspiring HCS caster and desk host from Detroit, Michigan. ****
I livestream on Twitch, I create content for YouTube, and I host a podcast called Ladies Night. I cast Women of Halo tournaments, as well as coed community events and tournaments as well.
You can find me at twitch.tv/LaSinity or just @LaSinity on most social platforms.
Photo of LaSinity cosplaying as Cortana ^[Imgur]
How did your great journey with Halo begin? ****
Honestly, my boyfriend played Halo for years and I never was into it or into playing video games in general. I used to be a heavy drinker and party girl for about ten years of my life—not the fun type of party girl either, but the type of party girl who just drank because she was sad. He would play video games, I would drink until I went to sleep.
I saw him play Halo almost every single day—from campaigns to multiplayer. If he had a bad day, he would pick up a controller and boot up a Halo game. I always admired how he had this outlet to just unwind, and I was desperately searching for one myself but didn’t even know where to begin or what hobby to even try. Eventually, I got very tired of how my life was going and decided to make some major changes. That meant getting sober, quitting the jobs I had, and figuring out new hobbies to keep myself busy and my mind distracted.
So one day, when I was feeling frustrated with life, instead of picking up a bottle, I picked up a controller and started playing Fiesta in Halo Infinite. Now this might sound crazy, but the first time I hit a kill sequence and heard Jeff Stietzer’s voice and the medal pop up gave me the “high” I looked for on a daily basis. I was hooked. I got a new job in the cannabis industry and all I would do is work 8 to 12-hour days, come home, play Halo. I worked there for two-and-a-half years before getting laid off, which was probably the biggest blessing in disguise. With more time on my hands, that meant more Halo.
Now this worked out great until my boyfriend and I both started to fight over the Xbox! He was essentially forced to get me my own so he could have his back.
I truly believe that if I didn't make the choice to play Halo that day, I probably wouldn't even be given this opportunity for this interview right now. I know a lot of people share this sentiment: Halo truly changed my life.
What are some of the areas of Halo that you particularly enjoy and why? Campaign and story, multiplayer, Forge, the expanded universe, etc.
I enjoy everything about Halo, but my answer here might be a little different from most. Something I truly enjoy—about all Halo games for that matter—is the music.
I am a huge music nerd, I used to tour and work with bands for a very long period of my life. Music holds a big part of my soul, and the music in Halo is incredible—it really has the ability to immerse you in the gameplay and makes you really feel the intensity of the scenes that much more.
My favorite Halo track is “Impend” from Halo 2. It’s played during a couple of scenes in the game, and I actually had EDM artist GREX remix it and add some voiceovers from me into the track as an official theme for my content.
Photo of LaSinity cosplaying as Cortana with her partner "Womp" and Jen Taylor
Who are some of your favorite Halo characters and why?
I really enjoy the Arbiter and Cortana.
I like the Arbiter because I am a huge fan of Keith David’s work. He has voiced so many characters that hold some importance to me or my childhood. Growing up, Gargoyles was my favorite cartoon. I remember fighting with my brother to put it on over TMNT —if he didn’t let me, I was a brat and would cry until my mom forced him to change the channel. I even had a stuffed plush of Goliath. When I was younger, I was convinced that every girl had a Goliath somewhere saving her. Some girls liked Prince Charming, I liked Goliath the Gargoyle. So, when I played Halo 2's campaign and heard the Arbiter’s voice and got to see the journey he went on as a character, I was hooked. I like Cortana because, simply put, I think she’s a badass. She doesn’t put up with any BS and is straight to the point, even loses her marbles there for a moment—making her totally relatable. I cosplay as Cortana at conventions; something about being blue and in her character just makes me feel unstoppable. I like to think other women out there watch her and feel unstoppable too.
Let’s talk about Ladies Night—tell us about this awesome podcast you host!
Ladies Night is a little passion project I started that focuses on women in the Halo and esports space.
I try to host them as often as I can on Wednesdays, bi-weekly at 7pm EST. I film this live on Twitch, and then I upload them directly to my YouTube after.
It is the first and only community-driven talk show event to be featured on the HCS community calendar four times. I am incredibly proud of that!
What led you to create this podcast—did you have any particular goals in mind?
Honestly, I noticed how few opportunities women get in the space. There are so many talented and kick-ass women who play, but the fact is that joining a male-dominated space as a woman can be a little scary.
I’m not saying I'm trying to take this space over, the majority of people I game with are men and are open to women joining the space, but what I am really trying to do is to encourage other women and young girls to pick up a controller and join a community by way of sharing the stories of other women who are already involved in hopes that it makes them feel comfortable enough to try themselves.
What does it mean to you personally to be a voice for women in the esports space?
It means a lot, and that statement is wild to read! It gives me a lot of emotions. I never wanted to be a “role model,” I just wanted people to feel more comfortable to join the space—and with that, I became a voice.
I hope, with that voice and the responsibility that comes with it, that I am able to make people proud, or inspire someone along the way. Maybe it’s to be kinder to others, maybe it’s to start creating content. Either way, I just hope that what I’m doing makes people feel like they can do something too.
Photo of LaSinity with Jen Taylor ^[Imgur]
What are some of the things you love most about streaming? Do you have any personal highlights from over the years?
Connecting. I love connecting and meeting new people. I like being able to bond with people over something I typically wouldn't be able to in everyday life.
One highlight that I’ve talked about before is UberNick gave me my first ever Twitch raid. I was at that weird stage in streaming where I felt like I was just streaming to nobody and wanted to quit. My boyfriend took it upon himself to go into UberNick’s stream and ask him to raid me when he was about to end, and Nick did. My boyfriend ran downstairs, and all of sudden I had 300 viewers—my heart was pounding!
That was cool because it kinda made me feel like a larger creator took a chance on bringing their community to me, and I was very thankful for that. I met some incredible people through the Halo community specifically because of that Twitch raid. That will always be one of my favorite highlights.
Do you have any advice for folks out there who might be looking to get into streaming or podcasting and are finding their feet?
YouTube will teach you everything! Can’t figure something out? I promise you there is a YouTube tutorial on it somewhere.
But most importantly, JUST DO IT.
Stop waiting around or making excuses to yourself as to why you can’t do content. You don’t need expensive equipment, and you don’t need to be the best editor—there are so many free programs out there that can help you along the way. Not to mention, it’s a total learning process and for most a new skill set to learn.
Be easy on yourself. No one is going to be Leonardo da Vinci the first time they pick up a paint brush. You just need to START!
Do you have a favorite piece of Halo merch on your shelf?
Yes I do, and it’s more of a sentimental one. My favorite piece on my shelf is probably my 2023 HCS World Championship Pass. That event was my first Halo event—my first LAN event, even. It holds so many memories that, any time I see it, I just get super stoked.
Image of LaSinity at HaloWC 2023 on the Community Stage sat next to Keith David and Jen Taylor ^[Imgur]
You got to share the Community Stage with (and sit next to!) the one and only Keith David, voice of the Arbiter, during the Pictionary panel at last year’s Halo World Championship event. I’m gonna assume that was something of a life highlight!
Yeah, I won’t lie, I was so incredibly nervous. That whole situation was so wild in how it played out. My boyfriend and I did a lap around the venue, and for whatever reason I looked at him and said “Wouldn’t it be crazy if I got on the broadcast or on-stage today?” and he was like “You probably could!”
We walked up to the Community Stage as they were asking for audience members to come and play. I looked at my boyfriend and said “THIS IS MY MOMENT,” and I just started jumping up and down and saying “PICK ME.”
And well, they did.
I got on stage and realized I was playing Pictionary with Jen Taylor and Keith David on my team against Steve Downes. I literally beat the Master Chief at Pictionary!
The winning answer was “What would you have your Arbiter do?” and it was so fitting because I was saying that all weekend long. It truly felt like I was supposed to be there at that moment. I ended up winning a Megablox 360 set and I had all the voice actors sign it.
I actually saw Steve and Jen this past weekend at Motor City Comic Con and they remembered me. Jen was excited to see me again and celebrate our win once more. Steve’s feelings are still hurt. Understandable.
Do you have any other memorable moments and highlights?
One of my favorite memories at HaloWC 2023 was the SSG afterparty at the arcade place across the street from the venue.
SSG really threw one hell of an event and the hospitality from their crew—not just there, but the entire weekend inside and outside of the venue—was unreal. I will forever be an SSG fan, purely because of how well they treat people. They really made my first Halo event special.
What’s your favorite Halo game and why? ****
I absolutely love Halo 2. It has my favorite campaign and storyline, being able to learn more about the Arbiter was cool. Seeing and playing two different perspectives was also a cool experience.
What are some of your biggest inspirations in life?
My biggest inspiration in life is truly just trying to inspire others. I like to make others feel like they can accomplish the world. There is something about setting others up for success that truly makes me feel like I am fulfilling my duty as a person and that in itself is inspiring to me.
What does being part of the Halo community personally mean to you?
It means a lot. Halo gave me that glimmer of hope I needed and was that sanctuary my mind needed when I was going through such a rough time. Being able to be a part of this community and grow with it is very special to me—it's something I will cherish forever.
Do you have any folks out there who inspire you that you’d like to give a shoutout to?
My boyfriend, Cody. Most of you know him as “Womp” or “Womptastic.” He inspires me to be a better person every day. He really is my biggest cheerleader, and he makes me feel like I can take on the world. He encourages my ideas no matter how silly they seem, and really pushes me to challenge myself and grow. I hope that everybody finds a Womp in their lifetime. I love you forever, B.
And my duo, Sarvanah. I met her through Halo and she quickly became special to me. She has taught me so much, from patience to kindness, and she has the best energy both in-game and out. She pushes me to be a better player and she isn’t afraid to go up against harder players for the sake of growth. We’ve competed together a couple of times and have plans to compete at the HCS World Championship together later this year. She deserves all the praise, she is a great soul.
Photo of LaSinity cosplaying as Cortana with her partner "Womp" and Steve Downes
Tell us an interesting fact about yourself!
I‘ve been in Detroit my whole life, but for about twelve years of it I lived out of a tour bus as I was working for various bands, DJs, and on Vans Warped Tour. I was a Stage and Tour Manager. When I wasn’t on tour, I was working as a radio personality and a hospitality agent for a North American EDM/Bass music talent buyer called “Ignyte Events.”
I’ve worked with artists such as Filter, Juice Wrld, Coal Chamber, BroSafari, Sullivan King, Escape the Fate, and more. I actually met Womp when he was drumming for a band that I was hired to work for. Music will always be my first love, I’ll always be a rock star at heart.
Thank you so much for joining us, Sin! Do you have any parting words to share?
I’m a firm believer in manifesting your future or creating your own future or opportunities. Don’t let anyone make you feel like you cannot do something in this space, because you can and you will. And if you need a little boost, or someone to remind you that you can do it—I am here, and you know where to find me.
Wake me when you need me <3
Be sure to follow LaSinity on Twitter and check out her Twitch and YouTube channels!
Image of LaSinity reacting in the crowd to the HaloWC grand final between Optic Gaming and Faze Clan
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http://www.anthonyflood.com/hakimreflections.htm
I was born in Duluth, Minnesota in 1919; my family was musical. My grandfather is still the only black man to have conducted his own compositions with the Duluth Symphony Orchestra. But I didn’t get serious about playing until I went to Los Angeles, after my high school graduation (1937) to visit my father. There I met Dexter Gordon, Illinois Jacquet and other fine young players. When I went back to the Mid-West to go to the University of Minnesota (only one year), I also played with Oscar Pettiford’s family band. The whole family, his father, even his sisters, played on several instruments.
In 1938 I went to Peoria to play with Fats Dudley, a 300-pound trumpet player and singer who played and sang like Louis Armstrong. Morris Lane the noted tenor player was also there at that time. He had to leave town not long after I came because of his involvement with a white girl. In 1940 I myself was run out of Kankakee, Illinois, for the same reason—the daughter of the President of Kresge’s Department Store. These were very prejudiced times and places.
Fortunately Chicago was only 50 miles away. I remember playing with many great musicians there, including the young Wilbur Ware and a tenor player named Buster Brown who accompanied himself on sock cymbal with his foot. I went to work with Jesse Miller, a trumpeter who had been with Earl Hines. A. K. Atkinson the arranger who later became A. K. Salim and who introduced me to Islam, was on alto; Goon Gardner was the other alto. The drummer was Ike Day, a kid, only 15. Ike Day was playing two bass drums then; out of sight; a big influence on Max Roach and others. (He died of an O.D. in New York a few years later).
This group was playing at a club on 63rd and Cottage Grove called Joe Hughes’s Deluxe. The featured acts were female impersonators backed by (real) chorus girls. One night we were playing Stompin’ At The Savoy for the chorus girls when, out of the blue we heard this horn from the front of the club playing over the top of the band. I looked up and saw Charlie Parker. He never stopped playing, just walked right through the chorus girls and came and stood over by the piano. Jesse Miller, who had played with Bird when Bird played second tenor for Earl Hines, had told me that Bird’s ability drove Hines’ first tenor (Bob Crump) to quit playing. A. K. and Goon had also been telling me about Charlie Parker. At that time, of course, Benny Carter and Johnny Hodges were my main men on alto. After hearing Bird that night I forgot about all other alto players.
I started hanging out with Bird in Chicago. (This was years before I recorded with him in New York.) Bird got a gig at the Rum-Boogie, a club on 55th Street and Central Parkway (now Martin Luther King Drive). As my gig with Jesse Miller started later than Bird’s, I would go with him to hear his first set. The band, about ten pieces, was led by an old man who played violin. Marl Young, the pianist, wrote the music for this band—very, very hard but good music. (Marl Young lives in L.A. now and writes for the movies.) Eddie Johnson, a great tenor player, was in the band; Gale Brockman and Billy Orr were on trumpets.
Anyway, Bird was never there for rehearsals. The band would rehearse all afternoon, Bird was never there, and the other members of the band were mad and didn’t like Bird. But the leader, the old man, did like Bird, which is why he never got fired. I remember this incident like it was yesterday. I went by with Bird to hear his first set. He always came about two or three minutes before the show hit. He’d look at the third alto part, glance at his part (he was playing lead); when the curtain came up, Bird was playing that music like he owned it plus adding things to the part. Well this night, Jimmy Dorsey was playing at the Sherman Hotel in the Loop, and he came down to hear Bird. The old man, Bird’s bandleader, knew what was happening. He called Cherokee, which featured Bird. Bird, of course, played like a man possessed. Jimmy Dorsey came back to the dressing room, introduced himself, and said to Bird, “Here man, you need this much more than I do,” and gave Bird his brand-new padless Selmer. I was with Bird the next day when he put it in pawn. I begged him not to. His own horn was a wreck, held together with tape, gummed paper, etc. This didn’t matter to him.
At that time there was a great club on the South Side, the Club De Lisa. The leader of their 12-piece band was a great show drummer, Red Saunders. Chicago was wide open then. You could buy liquor in drug-stores, and clubs were open 24 hours. On Saturday night and Sunday morning, every-one would go to the De Lisa—all the biggest sportsmen (pimps), the top whores, top Mafia hoods who would make the all-time Mafia list, if I could remember names. (I guess it’s better that I can’t). Well, I’d get off my gig at around 4:30 and, with Bird and other cats, go to the De Lisa. Bird would sit in with Red Saunders’ band, which included altoist Nat Jones, a great player in the tradition of Johnny Hodges. Also playing was a great tenor player from Texas, Tom Archia. Billy Eckstine was on the show; this was before he formed his first band. Also the tap dancer Baby Lawrence, who I heard trade fours with Bird on a Limehouse Blues, way up-tempo. This was taken down on a wire recorder, a classic. I don’t know who has this wire recording, which must be worth many thousands of dollars by now. Incidentally, the greatest comedian George Kirby was a bus boy in the De Lisa and got his start there by filling in with comedy.
I remember hearing Art Tatum with Bird in Chicago. After his gig in the Loop, Tatum would come down to a club on the South Side, drinking beer after beer and playing for five or six hours. All piano players in the city would be there. I remember Bird telling me then, “I wish I could play like Tatum’s right hand.”
I did work a gig with Bird in Chicago. For a while we played at the Sherman Hotel with Hot Lips Page opposite Boyd Raeburn’s Big Band. The second day of the gig, we couldn’t find Bird at all for the second set. We went up to our suite in the hotel, where we found Bird out cold in the bathtub. We got him together, he came down, and his playing just scared everyone to death. Charlie Ventura was with Raeburn’s band. The more Bird played, the paler he got.
When Bird left Chicago I rejoined Jesse Miller at the Downbeat Club. Red Allen was also playing there, with J. C. Higgenbotham on trombone. Ben Webster came in from New York to play as a guest artist with Red Allen. But he liked our rhythm section better. We’d play on the one the radio one hour, six nights a week. (It was so very hip then). Well, when Ben left to go back to New York, he told our rhythm section (Rail Wilson, bass; Hillard Brown, drums) he would send for us to come and play with him on the Onyx Club on 52nd Street. We thought he was kidding, but in about a month he sent us first-class sleeping train tickets.
This was in 1944. I was with Ben for 15 months on 52nd Street. Brown and Wilson went back to Chicago when the brownouts came in 1945. New York was it for me. The rhythm section at the Onyx Club became Eddie Nicholson (drums), Gene Ramey (bass) and myself. Many times Roy Eldridge would play with us, or Stuff Smith, or Bob Dorsey, a great tenor player. Then it was Bird—always late. Mike Weston, the Onyx Club owner, would be frowning as Bird came in late, but after a couple of Bird’s choruses, he’d be smiling. One night Bird was very, very late. Bird came in while Ben Webster was drinking at the bar; the rest of us were trioing. Bird picked up Ben’s tenor and said I Cherokee. He played that tenor like he owned it, and Ben was shook. He just kept saying “Give me another double.” The thing about this was that nobody could get a sound out of Ben’s tenor but Ben himself, due to the thickness of the reed, etc. I saw many great tenor players try-Prez, Buddy Tate, Ike Quebec, no good!
During this time I played the Ko-Ko date with Bird as I was living with him at 117th Street and Man-hattan Avenue, in Harlem. I was sent to the land-lady, Doris Schneider, because we were both from Chicago. I introduced Bird to Doris, and a week later he was living there. Later, for a while, they were married. Billie Holiday and her man, trumpeter Joe Guy, also lived in this eight room pad. Bird drew people like Thelonious Monk, Miles, and Dexter Gordon to the scene. Why this place didn’t get busted, I’ll never know. Everything was happening there.
About the record date; Bud Powell was supposed to be the pianist, but he was hung up in Pennsylvania and didn’t get back. Incidentally, the first pianist I heard playing like Bird was not Bud, but Elmo Hope. But Bud played so strong, he just took that style over. Bud was not easy to get along with, kind of a ferocious guy. He’d throw shoes at his little brother, Richie, when Richie tried to listen to us playing. He’d say things like, “Get up off that piano stool, you blind mother----!” to people like [Art] Tatum and [George] Shearing. He and Bird, despite their mutual love and respect, did not get along; their personalities clashed. But I hung out a lot with Bud. I think he liked me because I didn’t try to copy him. Naturally, I learned his tunes, but I didn’t slavishly imitate his solos.
With Bud, as I said, in Pennsylvania, Bird brought me to the record date, and I played on all the tunes except Now’s The Time and Billie’s Bounce. That was Dizzy (who happened to be recording with another group in the same building). For many years I didn’t get credit for this date on the liner notes, which have now been straightened out. Nor did I ever get paid for it. This is because I was still on transfer from the union in Chicago. The union delegate at the studio said that I couldn’t play, but as soon as he left, Bird told me to come out and play. My first paying record date was with Dexter Gordon. At this time (1945) I also recorded with Ben Webster, Big Sid Catlett, Eddie Lockjaw Davis and Bill DeArango.
My association with Bird and Bud helped to bring the new music on to 52nd Street. Bud would sit in at the Onyx Club while I worked there. Most of the musicians there didn’t understand Bud or Bird. Roy Eldridge would take me outside to smoke (everyone smoked then, we called it “gage”) and ask me about what Bird and Bud Powell were doing. I couldn’t tell him, all I knew was that it sounded great, made musical sense, and swung like no other music I’d heard. It made all the other music sound stiff and unswinging. This is what I’d tell Roy. The one exception was Prez, Lester Young.
I had always dug Prez. He used to come to Minneapolis with Count Basie before I left that area. I first heard Prez with his own group at the Spotlite Club on 52nd Street. He had just come from L.A. after his stint in D.B. (the army’s disciplinary barracks, thus the tune D.B. Blues). He had Kenny Kersey on piano. When Prez decided to revamp, I got the gig. Shadow Wilson was on drums (Lyndell Marshall on the road), Prez’s friend Rodney Richardson on bass, Bennie Harris on trumpet. Bernie brought Bud Powell to Prez as we were boarding the plane for our first road gig, but Prez said, “I’ve already got Lady Dense.”
That was me. My name at the time was Argonne Dense Thornton, and Prez called everybody “Lady” (most famously, Lady Day [Billie Holiday]). He had, incidentally, his own lingo for everything, and it took me several months to understand him. But it was all appropriate. The police he called “Bob Crosbys.” If something was a real drag, he called it a “von Hangman.” His most famous expression, “I feel a draft,” could mean that he detected racial discrimi-nation or that he felt bad since you wouldn’t drink and smoke with him. Reefer he called “Ettuce.” Whites he called “grey boys.” (I don’t know if he originated that term.) Blacks were “Oxford greys.” The bridge of a tune he’d call a “George Washington.” When we hit a new town and Prez would go looking for an old girlfriend, he’d say he was going to see “a Wayback.”
This gives me a chance to correct two en-tirely false rumors about Prez. One, he was not a faggot, not at all. Two, he was not into heroin or cocaine: he just smoked and drank. He was a great human being as well as one of the greatest jazz soloists of all time: responsible about money, generous with his possessions, natural, friendly, gentle, as well as creative.
With Prez I recorded the famous hit Jumpin’ With Symphony Sid, which in fact is my composition. The studio man came in and asked us, as we were warming up, to do something with Symphony Sid’s name in it, as we were going back to the Three Deuces on 52nd Street and the disc jockey had his radio show from there. Meanwhile, I was playing this blues melody off the top of my head. Prez said, “We’ll play that,” and we did it in one take. The A&R man just assumed that the tune was Prez’s.
While I was with Prez, the drummer, Lyndell Mar-shall, had a nervous breakdown. At my suggestion, the great Roy Haynes came into the band.
I remember a couple of things about Bird that happened while I was with Prez. Prez and I were in [Washington] D.C. at a club called Caverns, and Bird was also in town with Duke Jordan on piano. Bird asked me to join the band (not, I’m sure, because he didn’t like Duke’s playing, but for personal reasons, which my reply explains). I told Bird, “I love you, but I can’t put up with your not paying people and leaving them stranded in different places. If you did that to me I’d have to hurt you or try to, and I’d hate to have that happen because I love you. I’d rather be your friend and listen.”
Another time when I was with Prez, we had a week off before a gig in Chicago, so I went to Chicago ahead of time to hear Bird and Miles. The saxophonist who had the house band at the club where Bird played was named Eddie Wiggins. Wiggins had a long line of reed instruments up on his bandstand—clarinet, flute, bassoon, alto, tenor, English horn. Bird came in, early for once—no one else in his band was there. He had left his horn at the club. Now Bird had very good connections in Chicago, but this time he had apparently forgot to pay them. He opened his horn case to find all the keys torn off or broken. Without blink-ing an eye, Bird asked Wiggins if he could play the first set with Wiggins’ group. Then he proceeded to play all those instruments, a few choruses on each one, even the bas-soon. Of course, I was dumbfounded; Bird never ceased to amaze me. I remember him astounding some Afrikaaner mathematicians by suddenly solving a problem they were discussing; they couldn’t believe that Bird didn’t have an advanced degree in math. Same thing with chess. Tadd Dameron and Max Roach would be playing up at Dizzy’s, Bird and I would come in, Bird would walk over to the board, make a move and say “Checkmate.” And Bird is the only person who knew me before I became a Muslim and changed my name who never, after I told him my new name, called me anything but Sadik Hakim.
One thing Bird and Prez had in common; I remember both of them cutting Benny Goodman and embarrassing him. When I was with Ben Webster at the Onyx Club and Bird was across the street at the Spotlite Club, I’d go over to hear Bird as soon as our set ended. One night Benny sat at a front table as Bird began his set with Dizzy Atmosphere—way up-tempo. When he looked over and saw Benny, he changed to Dizzy Fingers (a feature of Benny’s). In the first eight bars, Benny turned red, green and all kinds of colors.
Later, with Prez on tour in L.A., we played opposite Benny at the L.A. Auditorium. (Frankie Laine was the between-sets act). Funny thing, Prez played his silver metal clarinet all night, never touching the tenor. He blew Benny away. All of us broke up as Benny turned red and a few more colors once again.
(The story is that Benny gave Prez this old metal clarinet, so maybe there was another reason for Prez to play it that night-Ed.)
I used to play Sunday afternoon gigs with Bird in Philly. The house band at this club had John Coltrane playing alto. At that time the very young Trane was probably the second best altoist in the world. I also played with Sonny Rollins back in the 40s. We both worked in a group led by trumpeter Louis Metcalfe, an older man who had played with Ellington. I used to marvel at how Rollins could get such great solos out of the corny tunes we had to play. He was playing tenor then, but I had known him even earlier, when he was playing alto. (In 1961, I closed Birdland with Sonny) [Birdland closed in 1964.—T.F.]. I also remember some great, unknown saxophonists whose careers were tragically cut short. Like Henry Pryor, an alto player in the style of Bird, who got killed by police in Chicago while breaking into a church to get money for dope. A great waste. Or Lank Keyes a tenor player influenced by Prez, also very great, who O.D.’d in Chicago.
There have been and still are, many great saxo-phonists—Coleman Hawkins, Benny Carter, Johnny Hodges, Sonny Stitt, and today, George Coleman, Junior Cook, Clifford Jordan, Johnny Griffin. Still, no one has had a story to say like Bird and Prez. When I was working at the Onyx with Ben Webster, and Prez was across the street at the Spotlite Club, Dexter Gordon would march up and down in front of the Spotlite with a huge sign saying, GO IN AND HEAR THE TRUTH. Maybe THE TRUTH is what we should have called it. (Bird hated the name Be-Bop, which was Dizzy’s concoction.)
I will take this opportunity to get one other thing straightened out. The tune Eronel, attributed to Monk, is another composition for which I should have gotten credit. When I was at the Onyx Club with Webster, I met a beautiful 17-old lady from Kansas City named Lenore. We were together about a year. The tune I wrote for her was her name spelled backwards. Monk came over to my house one day, saw the music on the piano, played it and liked it, even suggested a chord change (which I rejected). I went to Montreal for a year in 1949, and when I returned, I heard the same exact tune, credited to Monk, on a record he made with Milt Jackson. Monk told me that he just forgot to tell the record company the tune was mine. Incidentally, anyone should be able to tell that Eronel does not sound like a Monk composition.
Monk is, of course, a great genius, and continued on he showed me many of his tunes. Earl Hines and Nat Cole were among the first pianists I really dug. Then Elmo Hope and Bud Powell. My favorites in the last two decades: Hank Jones and Tommy Flanagan—they’re even in my book. In the new breed I like Cedar Walton, Mickey Tucker, John Hicks, for sure Kenny Barron, and Herbie Hancock—when he was playing piano. Electronic music is garbage to me. Everything is too loud to swing and, as Duke said 50 years ago, It Don’t Mean A Thing If It Ain’t Got That Swing. Among women pianist, I like Boo Pleasant, Shirley Scott, Terry Pollard. Among the less well-known, Willie Anderson, from Detroit, without peer, and Charles Fox from St. Louis (whatever happened to him?). But don’t let me forget Barry Harris, Walter Davis, Walter Bishop, Bill Evans, Horace Silver, Oscar Denard, McCoy Tyner, Chick Corea, Oscar Peter-son—so many great players, I can’t name them all.
Although I once watched Prez and Coleman Hawkins drink next to each other at a bar (the Spotlite Club, owned by the late Clarke Monroe) for two weeks without speaking, it seems like the musicians were closer in those days. Playing with Prez for those two or three years was one of the best times in my career. And I’ve had many good ones.

Hello all,
I'm writing this post to tell you about my experience with vertigo that has persisted for 7 weeks now (I'm 25). Perhaps you are also a victim of these dizzy episodes and are still looking for answers
Description of the vertigo: onset the morning after a volleyball competition on 8/04/24, characterized by a feeling of drunkenness. No particular trigger, constant presence regardless of position, which may be more or less attenuated during the day. No vomiting, no fever and no trouble walking. No sudden eye movements. Stiff neck. It takes a long time for the eyes to focus from a near object to a far one (splitting before focus is achieved).
Daily life: no impact on sleep or appetite, driving possible, professional activity OK. I can spend time with others, but social activities are reduced due to fatigue and morale. Healthy lifestyle, no particular stress at work or in my personal life. Volleyball stopped, but walking helps a bit.
Blood test : normal despite a slight iron deficiency, which I'm correcting with a few supplements and a richer diet. No anemia and no vitamin B12 deficiency.
10/04/24: I make an appointment with my GP (sports doctor) who initially suspects cervical pain. He prescribes a neck brace, physiotherapy sessions for the cervical rachis and Tanganil.
I wore the neck brace for 2 days and didn't notice any change. I then took a Tanganil tablet in the morning and evening for a few days. Absolutely no effect.
12/04/24: I go back to my doctor to tell him that the neck brace and Tanganil are ineffective. He then gives me a prescription to see a vestibular physiotherapist.
In the meantime, I go to the emergency room because I'm very worried about my condition. I see a neurologist, and here's his assessment: ambulation OK, no deviation on Romberg or Fukuda, no Hoffman, no abnormality of the cranial pairs, no nystagmus, bilaterally clean eardrums, no motor deficit in the limbs. Overall, the neurological examination was normal and there was no evidence of ENT vertigo. On leaving the ER, I received a prescription to perform an APC brain MRI.
04/15/24: I meet with the vestibular physiotherapist and perform tests that are more or less the same as in the emergency room. He makes me wear glasses equipped with a camera to analyze eye movement. The test revealed no instability.
A few weeks later, I consult an ENT specialist who gives me a full battery of tests (outemiddle ear examination, audiometry, audiogram, etc.). The ENT examination was completely normal. The doctor is in favor of a brain MRI to rule out any ENT causes.
Immediately afterwards, I see a dentist: my teeth are in very good health and the X-ray is normal.
I go back to my GP, summarizing all the tests I've had. With ENT causes ruled out, he prescribes a cervical X-ray and an anti-inflammatory for the neck (ketoprofen).
While waiting for the X-ray, I have a few sessions with a cervical spine physiotherapist. Massaging my neck, he notices a contracture on the right side of my neck. The point is painful but bearable.
I have an X-ray of the spine, which reveals a slight straightness in profile, posterior massifs that appear fused from C4 to C6, moderate cervicarthrosis at these 3 levels, no foraminal bone stenosis.
I call my GP to discuss the results, and according to him, the fused posterior massifs are linked to my morphology. However, he didn't see any connection between the X-ray results and my dizziness.
Desperate and tired of these uncertainties, I decided to make an appointment with an osteopath.
15/05/24: The osteopath was the first specialist to give me a concrete explanation of my dizziness, based on his analysis of the X-ray. He points out an anomaly in the C2 vertebra (not explicitly mentioned in the report, only "slight straightness in profile"), which is of traumatic origin. In fact, we're assuming that it's the result of a go-karting accident (a go-kart that came into contact with mine from behind, resulting in a small shock to the neck) that took place 1 year earlier. I also assume that volleyball didn't help my posture. The pain point identified by the physiotherapist corresponds to the position of this vertebra on the right side of the neck.
During the first session, he cracked my back and neck a little. He also performed 2 quick, dry pulses on the neck. This sends a signal to the nervous system to unlock this part of the neck. He asked me to wear the neck brace for the first 2 nights.
The day after the osteopathy session, I felt aches and pains in the back of my neck and more pronounced dizziness (especially at the end of the day, when I was so tired). After almost 1 week, the dizziness is more intense than usual at the end of the day and my neck pain doesn't go away. I decided to return to the osteopath 8 days later. He repeated the same manipulations, but less intensely than the first session.
It's now just over 48 hours since my second session, and the dizziness is worse all day long. I feel like I'm completely off my rocker and on a psychotropic drug. I still have neck discomfort. I wear a neck brace during the day so as not to hurt myself. I don't understand, the osteopath told me it would take a few days to get better, but it's the opposite for me. The dizziness is quite impressive and anxiety-provoking.
I'm going to wait a few days to see how it develops and if not, I'll call the osteopath again. It's worrying me a lot, I'm feeling worse and worse mentally. Apart from osteopathy, I can't see any way out of my problem. I've explored everything that could be linked to vertigo.
I'm continuing with physiotherapy sessions but I can't see any significant change or relief.
I need to know if this sensation after the osteopath is normal and if there are any solutions to relieve vertigo.
Have you experienced anything similar to what I have? If so, are you now free of this incessant dizziness?
Despite this rather long and detailed story, I'm hoping for some feedback - it would be a great help! 🤗
Thank you very Much

I'm a 17 year old in highschool. I haven't really enjoyed life since like 10 years old. I've experienced symptoms of ADHD-PI, depression, and derealization and struggle to socialize. The issue is whenever I try to socialize and force myself to be with people I just end up being the person standing there awkwardly. I transferred to a new school this year and haven't attempted to make friends with people till recently. I've had the same classes with these two girls throughout the year and finally they ask me to join them at lunch. It's like they are fine with me being there, but oftentimes they just ignore me. I try to force myself into the conversation, but I never have much interesting to say it feels like. It also feels like people just use me sometimes. They asked me for free tickets to the theme park I work at and of course I said yes, but they didn't offer to have me join. I asked if I should come and they said they were excited to have me, but I have no clue if they are just trying to be nice to me or actually like me. I went with them and some other girls to prom (they convinced me to go) and I was the driver and they just talked mostly among themselves about school gossip. It hurts to be out of the loop and feel like everyone around me is on a different level. I've never had autism or anything of the like, but sometimes I feel I lack that social awareness. Sometimes I think it's the depersonalization/derealization making me feel sort of brain dead. I smoked weed earlier this year which probably is making things worse, but I stopped a couple months ago.
All in all I just can't tell what I'm doing wrong. Like I'm not sure if I'm just overthinking all of this and that people really are open to being (good) friends with me. I feel I'm also very avoidant and withdrawn a lot of the time. Shame and embarrassment gets the best of me so I avoid people to evade these emotions, possibly coming off as rude and disinterested to others. I try to put myself out there by forcing myself, but often it feels any personality in me completely hides upon interaction with others and I resort to just talking about the weather and classes.
Sometimes I feel a little judgemental when it comes to making friends. I definitely don't want to be friends with some bigot, racist, homophobe, etc., but sometimes it extends past that and I'm tired of making friends with the "weird" kids, which I've done my whole life just because they feel easier to talk to. Anyone who listens to niche music, dresses cool, I find attractive etc. (who I'd love to be friends with) seems off limits because my anxiety completely takes over.

The love you profess doesn't require getting on your knees and begging. The words you express are enough. I have learned to accept all parts of you. But in accepting all parts of you, I had to accept all parts of myself. And that caused me to stop talking and asking to work on things, to stop begging you to still want to be my husband.
I'm going through some of the worst experiences in my life these last two years, and now in this moment looking back, I see I created my own prison and isolated myself to protect everyone, especially you. These overwhelming feelings of love I have for you, I no longer talk to anyone about them, and I hide them and experience them all by myself. I wish I had a sign from you or the courage again to ask you to still be my husband. I don't know what I'm looking for to give myself permission. I just know I'm hurting inside and having the hardest time in my life, trying to remove someone I'm still in love with from my heart and my life.
I wish we could just sit next to each other and know again that we made the right choice to get married instead of tearing everything from the last ten years and throwing it away. I would rather choose to work together to fix and heal the wounds and be stronger in the end. But then I remember you telling me that everything has its limits and you had reached yours. I know placing submissions here is most likely futile because I'm sure you don't come here anymore because you're tired of reading the pain and the emotions I have anymore.
While the only thing I want now is to have a chance again with you, I am starting to accept it is just a fantasy and that I am just hurting myself over and over again by holding that hope.
These next few days are going to hurt, and I promise to hide it as much as I can so you don't have to suffer at all, for the pain that is about to come should be mine and mine alone to experience.
Please know I'll always be in love with you and always want to be your husband... if there is ever even the slightest chance for us to be a family again, please, please make it absolutely clear that you want that too. For I get confused and locked in my head and heart all the time.
Truly all yours, FMK

"Isn't this the car that hit the wall at Barber?" A Lemons judge inspecting our car Friday afternoon, about to put us in either class A, B or C.
Us, not wanting to reveal too much until we know where this is headed: "Possibly" Privately we joke that without Manny or Fabguy driving this weekend we might have a better chance on staying on track. Later on a epic series of photographs will show up on social media where it shows snap by snap as Fabguy leaves the racing surface at Hallett, gets about forty feet off track in the grass, drives it on and best of all no black flag was thrown. Lemons says to always come in when you screw up. I mostly do, but if there's a change no one saw it, I'm like Ralphie in a Christmas Story when the teacher is asking who told Flick to lick the flagpole. Never admit anything. Sometimes you get flagged for things you never did. They tell us that it makes up for the ones they missed. It mostly works out.
Judge: "I watched that video so many times" Great, I'm glad we entertained someone. FYI Barber has a room where they have cameras on nearly every part of the racing surface and use that to call cautions and spot wrecks as well as contact.
Judge" Yeah, you should have seen it!" One problem being that we are told this room is strictly off limits. Next question from a Lemons photographer. "Why are you and your teammate wearing those costumes with oversized balls?"
I tell him how I am a cancer survivor and am using racing as an outreach to try and convince people to not skip out on getting tested regularly as early detection is important in surviving. Racerguy and I are displaying our large testicles as a tribute to the Johnny Dangerously movie as well as the importance of getting checked. Our shirts say "Men's Health is no joke, get checked before you croak!" I think Manny and Fabguy slide through with no theme, some teams got tagged with a label "error 404, no theme detected" and told to do better.
Something works, either our previous poor performances, our whacky costumes or a combination of both. Class B. Many Miatas get A. Because they can be fast in the right hands. Most of the fast ones are modified or have way better drivers. We are competing against a ecto tech swapped Miata and a Honda swapped Miata that are both very fast. The honda swapped Tow Mator Miata blows either the clutch or the transmission up and are loaded and gone Saturday night after attempting repairs for several hours. Very few of us Miata teams are campaigning well worn 1.6s. I continue to be impressed by ours. We crank it all the way up to redline every lap, lap after lap. 7400 rpm. Race after race, now on 11, not counting track days, not to mention all the races it had before we purchased it. You just know one of these days it will be one redline too many. But the car has so much heart. The Lemons photographer gets Youngest on video saying "this might be a Class A car someday, but we will never be a Class A team"
Saturday night, our car is tucked in our trailer and we are all in the camper less Fabguy who is heading east at a fast pace to be rested up for work Monday. The rest of us aren't that smart, we are sticking it out knowing Sunday promises to be rain all day. We had a great cookout with the other Lemons team and the burgers were great.
About midnight a storm rolls through. It gets kind of nasty and lightning hits nearly on top of us. I try to sleep and not think about what would happen if a tornado were to come through. The camper would offer zero protection. A week or two before the race a tornado relocated several buildings in the southern part of Oklahoma and injured several. The storm abates and we sleep on.
The next morning dawns, kind of. It's one of those cloudy days where it rains off and on and never really seems to stop. I take a extremely cold shower and don my racing gear. If I am going to race in the rain, I want to go out first. Some days you have to play the car owner card. No one else objects, they are all happy with the arrangements. Youngest has already called last stint and I leave Coach and Racerguy to figure out which of those two are going when. It's kind of risky calling last, you never know if there will be a car running by the end of the day, you can either break or get parked due to too many black flags. But Youngest likes the last stint as typically there aren't as many cars on the track and he can usually run the fastest laps of the day.
Who is Coach? Well it's like this, Coach is a friend of a friend. I was telling an old family friend about our racing and he told me that Coach does this type of racing if we ever need another driver. With Manny and Fabguy driving their own car and Blackbeard and our other previous drivers unable to drive to the middle of nowhere and race, I called him and he was in. He co-owns a BMW that they used to run in a series similar to Lemons. It has been parked for a while so he was ready to get back on track. You are always a little worried anytime you are letting a new driver take your car out on the track, but he was smooth and fast and ran just about the same times as everyone else did over the weekend. Best of all he did not go off track and rack up any black flags. He used to be a football coach at one of the local high schools, hence the name Coach.
Back to the race, I roll up to the grid. I think they have some sort of plan in mind as they point to a hole in the line of cars and I stick the Miata in it. At some races they pull the top ten in each class and start them first the second day. This race might not be as important as bringing the top thirty cars to the front doesn't make much difference in a race of fifty cars. I don't pull up a line up and check where we are, just happy that we are ahead of the cars we know we are racing. One being a Chrysler Crossfire. Yes there is a Crossfire in Lemons. It was a junkyard build and they posted the pictures and such of where they had to find and install a complete front clip, hood, nose, fenders and all. It's red and the rest of the car is white. We were battling them all Saturday, along with a Camaro that is run by a bunch of nuts out of West TN. They are running a wild west theme all weekend complete with Sheriff, his wife, a lady of possible ill repute, along with a portable jail and even the head stocks to restrain any offenders. The third car we are competing against that has risen to the top of our challengers is a Mercury Cougar, one of the last of the bigger body Cougars before they downsized. We've competed against them several times in our Midwest races. One time they had a epic battle with another smaller newer Cougar. They typically run well and clean, best of all is their team name, "Nothings Hotter than a Cougar" We are actually two pits away from them and chat a bit back and forth. Great guys, not a huge team. They have manual swapped their car.
My job this morning is not to screw up and not to let any of those cars outrun us. We are so far ahead of the rest of the field we should not have to worry about any of the other cars unless we break or get so far off we loose a ton of laps getting towed out of the mud.
We roll off in a light rain. Right away I notice two problems. One is that the wipers are moving very slowly. I know what is going on there as they inch slowly across the windshield at a snails pace. When we swapped the alternator Youngest put a larger pully on it. It should in theory help the life of the alternator not being turned so many rpms, but the down side is that we noticed is the alternator will not energize until it sees a good amount of rpms. Once I finally get enough room I gas it up and the wipers start working at normal speeds and all is good.
The second problem is more ominous. The car does not want to go when I hit the gas. I'm not too worried as it did this earlier at a race and cleared up. I think that we might have outsmarted ourselves when we installed our version of ram air that takes air from below where the headlight used to be on the drivers side. Water can shoot straight into the car and I think that it's getting something wet and the car is not happy about it. Last time the car came out of it after it got warmed up. I circle under the pace laps and realize that the problem is not going away. So to get it to run every time you slow down and go around a corner, and remember this is a road course with ten corners every lap, if you try to ease into the gas the car stutters and stumbles and nearly dies. The only way to get it to run is to mat and I mean mat the gas pedal. It pauses and then roars to life, then you can back off the gas and then accelerate to the next corner. It being wet out the normal thing to do is not flooring it hard off the corner, typically you have to ease into it when coming off the corners as traction is limited. Hallett is especially traction limited as the racing surface is very worn and slick. It's a exercise in car control, cars get behind you and the car lags and then takes off. The good thing is if the car is straight, it pulls straight, you just have to wait then fire off. It's some very challenging driving and you really have to pay attention. I'm trying to battle, turn in good laps, not slide off the track and keep it wound up as much as possible. I find going outside off three is very slippery, I nearly loose it there. You have to search around and find the better places on the track. I do and try to stay inside through that corner. I'm battling the Crossfire, he gets around me and then I realize I am faster so I run him down and after several laps I get around him. I see the Cougar exactly once. The Camaro is having traction problems in the rain.
The first car that I see spin is a Mustang in two. No shocker there, the turn is slippery with the new patches and it is at the end of a long straight. And Mustangs are going to do Mustang things. Next is a Mercury Bobcat we have raced against several times, also looping it in two. Then coming off six my friends Miata ends up sideways across the track and it's a wonder no one hit him right in the door. I avoided his car as well as the rest of the pack of five or six cars I was around. It was crazy. And I was having a blast.
A little later I see the same Miata closing in on me. I've passed the Crossfire and am pulling away. There's some cars running way faster than I am, but none of them are in our class so no worries. I see the Miata coming up and I am pulling hard out of turn 9 at full throttle. We are as fast as anyone on that part of the track so I figure he will catch me going around turn ten where I slow down and deal with the car hiccup before it takes off. I go inside on the corner and leave room for him and another car that are both looking like they are going to pass me. I hear a car shift and rev up and I am on the gas again heading down the front stretch. Once I have a chance I check the mirrors and no Miata in sight. Hmm, someone had a issue apparently.
Once I come around again and see the yellow flag I am amazed. The Texans Miata went straight off 10 and is not only off track they are sitting with the front end up on top of the pile of tires that mark the outer barrier. Ouch, I hope the driver is ok, and the car is not hurt too much. It takes many laps for them to pull the car out and then extract one of the loose tires that became wedged up under the car during the entire process. The car is able to leave under it's own power. Later I talk to the owner who was not driving and he points to a guy in the corner cleaning tools. "I told him what we expected, now he's cleaning stuff for the rest of the day." Apparently that was not his first boo boo in the car that weekend. He was told to go make safe laps and not screw up. I think it was the same driver who was sideways earlier too. They actually rack up so many black flags that day they are put in time out for a while and get to know the judges really well while they have to do something mildly embarrassing.
We swap out and I pull Racerguy off to the side while Youngest is fueling and Coach is holding the fire extinguisher. I tell him about how treacherous turn three is outside and how the car is stumbling. We have radios but sometimes it's hard to have detailed conversations. I also tell him the ice scraper with a rag is not working great as it's soaked and the helmet blower is better than nothing but still having some fogging issues. He shows me a squeegee he brought. Would have been nice having that. He later tells me once he used it once it was a near perfect drive.
As soon as he goes out we check and we have lost three laps to the Cougar. Ok, we are still up and they are not catching us with their lap times. Racerguy actually gets one lap back. But they haven't pitted yet....
Racerguy keeps going and going, running a nice pace. And the Cougar is not pitting. We realize they are making a long run. Will they pit? Fuel mileage is way lower during the rain, we are putting in about half as much as normal. Just how big of tank does a Cougar have? Can they make it the whole way without pitting? Surely not.
We start to strategize. Do we run Racerguy longer and go for one less stop? We can do that with the fuel mileage we are getting. Right now if they don't stop at all and we stop twice, it would be neck and neck, we project the amount of laps to do the two stops will take up every bit of our lead.
Coach being a team player offers to not drive the car today and give up his stint in the pursuit of a class win. He's new to our team but a total team player. It could have been entirely different going hundreds of miles away with a near stranger for the first time but he fits in well with our team and gets it. I am moved by his offer.
I and Coach are all about going for the win. Youngest acts unconcerned. And do we want to win anyway? A win would mean that we would be bumped out of Class B and into Class A in the future.
We make a decision. We race as a team. Normal stops. Everyone gets their time. Let the chips fall where they may and if the Cougar does not stop we will have to deal with it. We are going for the win together.
We put Coach in the car. Even with us doing a super fast stop we lose a few more laps. We are now three laps ahead of the Cougar which shows no sign of stopping, With the slower lap times we are loosing about 2.5 laps per fuel stop today. The stops are faster as we are not taking much fuel. The next stop to put Youngest in the car could potentially put us neck and neck with the Cougar if they don't stop. Surely they will stop at least once. I admire their strategy but maybe next time they could do this to someone else? It's like a game of chess, so many variables. One thing we do know we aren't running out of fuel today. If only we would not have run out yesterday we would have enough cushion that it would not matter.
Finally, Youngest calls out. "there they go!" The Cougar is pitting. What a relief. We did not think they could make it all the way but you never know. We time the stop and count laps. We gain three laps. If we have a clean stop we will be in position for the win. No pressure!
Another problem arises. We have no communication with Coach. In our haste to get him out we failed the radio check. He was looking for a thumbs up which another team member gave him and he took off. I was trying to get a response on the radio but it was too late. So we need to get him in to pit. We get ready and make a plan and a alternative plan. I am going to tell the officials to black flag the car if we need but first we try our original plan.
When we first got there and unloaded Manny parked his rollback by the fence in turn one. If you go watch any in car video on Youtube from the race you can actually see it there. He turns on the emergency light on the top of the rollback and Coach gives thumbs up as he drives by. He acknowledges the signal to pit we all went over in case of loss of communications. Our emergency plan actually worked! I'm sure there have been plenty of creative ways Lemons people have used for communications but I am guessing using a 100,000 dollar rollback is one of the more expensive methods ever used!
So I go over with Youngest the plan. He just needs to not get passed by the Cougar. Don't mess up and get a time consuming black flag. Typically the last stint is when he tries for a personal best lap time and to get fast time for the team for all the weekend. That will not happen here. Keep the car on the track. I might have said that more than once. The rest of us just need to get a good stop in. No pressure.
Coach comes in and I dive in the passenger side to unhook him. At least we have not needed the cool shirts all day, which speeds us up a few seconds by not having to add ice to the cooler nor unhook the lines to the system. I find that the radio harness is unplugged, there's why we could not talk to him. Mystery solved.
We bust out a fast stop and send Youngest out. We get our stuff up and then all look at the standings. We have just under a three lap lead on the Cougar. The Crossfire and Camaro have faded back. I 'm now about as nervous as a long tailed cat in a room of rocking chairs. I alternate from packing up things to checking the standings.
In a terrible sequence of events our friends in the Magnum wagon get a black flag and then the accelerator cable breaks. They fix it quickly but their lead and dreams of winning Class C are gone in just a few minutes. You are reminded often of how in an instant in racing dreams of winning can evaporate over a broken part or a driver error.
"They won't let me pass" Youngest has caught the Cougar but they are blocking the pass. I can't blame them, I would too. It's to put them three full laps down. We tell him just to fall in behind the Cougar and stay there. I do the math. With our lead we could break or pull off and still win when the clock gets down to about five minutes to go. The time goes by slowly counting down. With five to go we give Youngest the green light and he gets around the Cougar which follows him to the checkers with the Crossfire right behind them.
We start walking to the track off exit. Lemons has a tradition of where everyone lines up and cheers every car as they come off at the end of each day. We take a couple of water bottles and wet down Youngest. Then we line up our car for the ceremony at the end of the race along with the BMW that won class A and the Pinto Wagon that won class C. It's surreal getting our picture taken. We donate our winners check to the Lemons of Love, a charity that provides care packages to those on chemo, as do the other winning teams. I still can't believe we won, there are teams that have run a 100 races in Lemons and not won.
Any rumors that I slept with the trophy cradling it like Ralphie did with his Red Ryder BB Gun are totally mostly untrue.