Drive a plane online

My wedding was a dumpster fire... literally... I know it's a long read, but trust me it's worth it.
I saw your wedding horror story videos and have one of my own I think a lot of people would get a kick out of. Yes, this entire story is 100% true with no real hyperbole, tall tales, etc. This all actually happened and I have witnesses that will attest to this if asked. I'd been with my husband for about 2 years, engaged for 1, when we found out I was pregnant. Obvi, we decided to rush the wedding after we had a talk about the surprise and what we wanted to do. Flash forward a little and my original Maid of Honor and I had a falling out because the last time we had been together and gone to the church the wedding was being hosted, she had gotten disrespectful with the elders and asked questions she thought were funny, but were really just rude. The swearing really didn't help matters either. I asked her if she would be able to try to be more respectful of my beliefs and be gentle with the others that would be there. This lead to a fight and the beginning of the end of a 7 year relationship (when we tried to rekindle our relationship later, she said she hoped my son would get unalived by a cop because he is white and no one cared about it. Thank God I cut ties when I did). This was also the beginning of a new friendship between myself and the best man's fiancé (we are still bffs today) when I asked her to take over. Crisis 1 averted. For the sake of setting some scenes, I worked at a hotel in a podunk town, right off the highway and met with a make up artist that came in for a makeup party gig with housekeeping. We talked and she agreed to work with me and MOH for the wedding. Here comes the beginning of everything going down hill, on fire, in a rickety buggy. The night before, after the rehearsal dinner, at 11pm the makeup artist gets ahold of me saying she has to cancel because her husband got into a water bottle accident (water bottle is oilfield speak for the giant water trucks they have on site) and was in the hospital. We understood and told her to do what she has to, we can handle things ourselves. Meanwhile, my husband's uncle was cooking the pig for the reception dinner as it doubled as his wedding gift to us (which we are extremely thankful for btw). It caught on fire. In the parking lot. Of the hotel I was working at, and everyone was staying. Luckily he was able to save it, but I got to hear about it when I got back to work. They printed the security camera image and everything. It was great. Now it's the morning of the wedding. I realize that I am missing makeup that I need and, living in a map dot myself, needed to drive half an hour away in order to get what we were missing. Thank God for my dad needing to go out that way anyway. He got us breakfast, took us to the store, and we grabbed what we needed and started to take off. The shirt I was wearing, without my knowledge, had popped the button right over my boobs showing God and everybody my goodies and I hadn't realized it until we were on our way to grab the cupcakes and "smash" cake (it was a cheap alternative to a traditional wedding cake and actually save us a TON of money for the "event"[ note for brides on a budget, say event and not wedding to save some extra $]). We get home and nerves take over, coupled with my already awful morning sickness, leading me to be stuck in the bathroom for a while. I finish up, brush my teeth again for the third time and decide to start getting things around and just get ready at the church. I made a Playlist in order, and wrote down the order for my brother to be able to just press play and not worry about ads or anything. I literally went as far as saying song a-c for while you wait, d for the procession, and e for my enterance with the sing titles. This will become a problem apparently. As MOH and I are getting ready, I start to freak out because the makeup I got is streaky and I can barely get anything to blend how I want it to, so my mom had my dad grab her makeup and bring it down and takes over for us. Her friend, who offered to do pictures for us along with my SIL (and I paid them both for) told my mom to give me fake lashes because it'd make the pictures prettier. I told them I wasn't comfortable with it because it was new and I didn't know if I could handle the glue smell and the glue she uses hurts my eyes as is. Mom basically said to hush and let her do it. One thing lead to another, and my mother glued my eyes shut. 10 minutes before my wedding was due to start. Even though I had asked for no fake lashes. Hormones kicked in and I started to cry. After about 5 minutes, we are able to get my eyes opened, but still had bits of glue in my lashes that ended up scratching my eyes throughout the wedding. In one of the pictures, you can kind of see the gap in my lashes where the glue sticks them together and where lashes were literally removed in the process of getting the glue out. My dad came down asking what was taking so long, and my mom snapped at him and told him to go upstairs and wait a second, which made me start to cry again. I calm myself down rather quickly and get dressed (the dress ended up being too big because the morning sickness had made me lose weight without me realizing it) and we all head upstairs only about 5 minutes or so late. At the doors, I can hear the music playing. It's the wrong songs. My dad, in his usual joking fashion, said "It's not too late to run". I told him I just wanted to get this dumpster fire over with. Speed up a bit and during the ceremony, the pastor skipped over the marriage cross ceremony (where the newly weds put a cross together as a symbol of our faith in our marriage), and called my husband Durk. Miraculously, we make it through with those being the only things amiss, besides my husband being tired and looking grumpy the entire time (I guess he and Best Man stayed up half the night BSing with his uncle and having a couple drinks). Now the ceremony is over and we have people heading to the hotel to set up for the reception. Pictures were a cluster, there was yelling, I started to cry again because I just wanted things to be done quickly, and my mom wanted her photographer she had come in take pictures that she promised to pay for. We still haven't gotten any of them from said photographer. After my parents were done with their part, they took off for the hotel and someone accidentally set some of the mac and cheese on fire, setting off the smoke alarms for the hotel. Can't say I cared too much because it wasn't the recipe I'd given my mom to make that she asked me to send her because I'm a picky eater as it is with my "touch of the tism" coupled with pregnancy making things worse. Eventually we get there, and things had gotten flip-flopped as to what was going on and when because Mom wanted it to go her way, MIL was trying to stick to the schedule I had made... It was great. Thank God for hubby's "Aunti B" that was able to take charge and be my voice and fix things where as my mom looked at MIL and Aunti B and said "I don't care, she's you're problem now". Honestly wasn't surprising from my mom. So we wait for every one to file in to the room we were supposed to start in, and I have to teach my brother how to press play on my phone for music. 🤦🏽‍♀️ Awesome. We get the Mother Son dance and the Father Daughter dance, and by then my husband was done with everything so we just had the food blessed and proceeded to the dining area. No newlywed dance for us. Still pretty upset about that. At this point I'm too upset to eat, but manage to nibble here and there. As things start to come down, Mom's friend (yes eyelash woman) comes up to me upset because I didn't warn her that the hotel had a pool so she didn't bring suits for her girls to swim in while everyone else was prepared. I informed her (and showed her) that on the event page for the wedding I wrote where everything was taking place and that the hotel had a pool they were free to enjoy. The same information everyone else had used before coming. Embarrassed, she left and just had her daughters swim in their underwear and diaper. At that point, everyone had eaten, we did the cake cutting with a little flare to try to lighten our spirits (picture included in regards to the end result. It started as a competition as to who's mason jar would collect the most money, the loser got the cake to the face. Hubby lost and it turned into a little game between us), and a lot of the ceremonial stuff was over so I started cleaning up (condition of being able to use the hotel for free for the event as an employee) and everyone started pitching in. The ceremony was at 3pm, reception around 4pm. We had everything cleaned up by 6:30pm, 7pm at the latest. Everyone that was staying in the hotel hung out for a bit, and my MIL and SIL (bless them) attempted to get the rest of the eyelash glue out of my eyes and managed to get a bit out with only one piece left before I had to stop. I got chewed out about how things went and how bad my parents looked with everything by my mom (OFC) and I decided to say screw it, packed up, and left for home with hubby, MOH and BM. If you thought that was the end of it, you're mistaken. The next day, after my amazing MOH got the last of the glue out of my eye, we saw everyone off, and we were to take off for our honeymoon (a Civil War town because there was quite a bit of fun there when I went, and Hubby hadn't been, and it was cheap). I convinced my dad to let us take the SUV because I had a bad feeling about my car. Thank God I did because despite the "new" engine, the car died on the highway not even 10 miles from home when I took it to work later on. Anyway, we make it to the hotel that had amazing reviews online to discover stains everywhere on the bed and stuff (ew), the pool was atrocious, and the water in the shower smelled like chemicals and started to burn my husband's face. So we checked out saying we had an emergency back home and had to leave. I called a nearby hotel in my brand I worked for and managed to get a room that is usually about $170 a night or so, for $60 a night. Thank God for them. The rest of the honeymoon went on well with almost no morning sickness, and no other issues. The only bout of morning sickness (which reiterates my desire to know why it's called that when it can happen anytime of day) happened when my husband was being sweet and shared some of his food with me he knew I generally liked. The baby decided "I don't like that", sending me to hug a trash can a little while after lunch. In the middle of the section of (Civil War Town). By the (civil war history specific) house. In the middle of afternoon traffic. The family ahead of us glared and started saying something about drunk people in the day 🙄 and my husband started laughing at the irony of it all. He took off to find me napkins to clean up and a good Samaritan stopped to ask if I was ok. I told him "I'm fine, just pregnant" and they chuckled then left. I managed to get cleaned up when hubby came back with the napkins and we continued on our way. For those wondering, we now have 2 healthy boys, 2 dogs, 2 cats, and have been happily married for 5 years in August. We still laugh about my eyes getting glued shut on our anniversary with our friends and how my wedding was a prime example of Murphy's Law. If it can go wrong, it will go wrong.