First heaven birthday poem

Lock in, this will be a long one. (throwaway for privacy) TL;DR at the end
For some context: my bio-dad and mom (38F) split when i was about 3, after which my mom got full custody of me and cut off his parental rights (for reasons i'll explain later). My mom remarried when i was 6, to my stepdad (40M), and they raised me alongside my two younger half siblings. Even though there was always a big difference in how he treated me vs how he treated my siblings, we never really acknowledged that I'm not technically his daughter. I had enough memories to know he wasn't my biological dad, but that was it. My parents (by which i mean mom and stepdad. whenever i say parents, that who i mean) never talked about my biological dad. But, that difference in treatment lead me to think about my bio-dad quite a bit.
(Also, i might get mixed up in the dad terminology. I've never referred to my stepdad and anything but 'dad', i'm just using technical terms here. so forgive me if i get mixed up. )
So when i was a freshman in high school, i finally got my mom to talk about him, but only enough for me to get a few meager details. Not the whole story by a landslide. That next day, i used the school computers, trying to look him up with the little things i knew. The search bar kinda looked like [(his last name), (my hometown)]. (I still had his last name until like second grade, so i knew it from yearbooks.)
What I found was a few news articles about him getting arrested and sentenced, for kidnapping me. I went home that day and my mom and I got in an argument about her not telling me the truth. She finally actually opened up, and though i still to this day haven't gotten the whole story, this is what i do know:
He was her drug dealeboyfriend when she was 18/19, and after i was born, their relationship got rocky, and they broke up. But they shared custody for a while, until he found her at her apartment with a different guy during a custody exchange, and went off his rocker. After she got him out of the apartment, he broke back in to get me, then drove away. She called the cops, he got arrested, and a few year later, he went to jail for 4 years. During that time, my mom got repeating restraining orders and got his parental rights revoked. I never saw him again.
There was one thing, above all else, she made clear: He was a bad person.
Now I'm 18, and a few months ago, me and my friends got started talking about our childhoods. I brought him up, and my friend looked him up one one of those people search websites, and found his Instagram and Facebook. His instagram was private, but his facebook wasn't. And what i found kinda fucked with me. Every year on my birthday was the same post. A handmade birthday cake, a few old pictures, and a message about how much he missed me. And in the comments of each of those posts were his family members, wishing me a happy birthday. His facebook also revealed that i had an older half brother and younger half sister.
Seeing everything left me feeling so... strange. Like a weird, dissociative shock. It felt like my whole world was falling apart. And I admit, I definitely wasn't in the right headspace for what i was about to do. But my friend had a realistic fake instagram account, with followers and posts and everything, and we redid it to look like it was my account. We put a different university in the bio, used different pics, and changed my last name to my moms maiden name. And we requested to follow my bio-dad.
The next day, (we had done that at like midnight btw), he accepted my follow request. My friend was the only one with access to the account at first, so i had her respond when he started messaging. Eventually, she gave me the log-in, and I was the one responding. He was really emotional and happy I reached out. He told me about how much he missed me, about my younger sister and older brother, and sent me $100.
But the entire time i was talking to him, I had this awful sinking feeling in my chest. I just felt so guilty for even caring about my bio-dad when i had a whole family i grew up with. But i was also terrified of my parents finding out i had reached out. They had made it so clear he was a bad person, and my mom had put so much energy into making sure he never saw me again. I was scared of what they would do if they found out i had reached out. (Most of my college is covered by the GI bill through my step-dad. He's made it clear that if i screw up, he can easily stop his benefits. so that was my biggest fear.)
And as I talked with him more, he also gave me my sister's instagram (She's 8, but apparently 8 year old have instagram now). And over the next day or two, I learned alot of-- questionable things. For one, he knew what university i actually go to. He said that he had a friend who was a private investigator and "had kept an eye on me". I also learned that he had pictures of me-- recent ones. My half-sister had a picture of me as her wallpaper, and by how she described it, it was within the last, maybe 2 years. (It was one of my favorite outfits, that i wore a lot my senior year of high school). So, I started to get an additional icky feeling. I'm his daughter, it makes sense that he would want to know how i am, but my mom had long term restraining orders. It just felt... weird. Like he knew stuff he shouldn't.
So I decided to ghost him. I know, i know, its kinda fucked up. I feel like a major asshole. But i didn't know what to do. I know that doesn't really excuse it, but thats why i'm here. Because ever since, I've felt like such a piece of shit. I probably shouldn't have ghosted him, but maybe i shouldn't have reached out to him in the first place. Reaching out with a fake account was fucked up, and I still want to actually meet him, i want to meet my little sister, I want to meet his-- my?-- family. But him knowing where i go to university and having recent pictures of me was scary. And, I have the family that raised me, who I love so much. It all just feels like so much, and I don't know what to do.
So I'm here. I think my brain has just been so muddled with everything that I haven't been about to think about it clearly, and I can't really talk to my parents about any of this.
So I really just want other people's insight/advice. What even is the best course of action in this situation?
TL;DR: my mom and bio-dad split when I was little, and then he got arrested for kidnapping me. Fast forward to now, I'm 18, and I found out he's been posting about me on Facebook on my birthday every year. I make a fake account to reach out, but then i find out he knows stuff about me and has recent pictures. It was really weird, and i was already feeling like i was betraying my actual family, so i ended up ghosting him. but now I'm feeling guilty and confused, and i'm wondering if I made a big mistake. I just don't know what to do next.

Technically this was a few days ago.
I was at a club with some friends and seen those private booths and seen an upper year from a different school I knew, he allowed me in, I got cake and invited to the afterparty. Looking back this was a red flag cause apart fromhim everyone in the booth were like 30 ir 40 years old and im only 18, but i was too drunk and was getting kinda bored. I'm already excited asl cause my mum never let me out so now that I'm in college the freedom felt good.
On the way one if the guys is telling me how I'm gonna be partying sith the big boys now etc. We get home and after awhile these guys start taking out crystal meth on the plate and after asking what it was the host, a woman who was celebrating her 40th birthday showed me how to do it and offered it to me. I did a few lines go back to hanging out with the guys and doing more shots in their room.
The woman was also pretty touchy and kept telling stories of guys she's been with and even pushed on the bed and started riding me to demonstrate how she did it and would also just come up to me and kiss me. I'd also see her and the other girl giving the guys lap dancing, and even asked me if I wanted to snort more meth on their tits or ass.
Some more time go by and they also bring out mdma, I see it, ask what it was, ask to try it and she teaches me how to do it. So now I'm absolutely plastered, high on alot of meth and now soon to high on mdma. It doesn't help that it seemed like they had an infinite supply of crystal cause they just kept doing more and more lines.
Some more time goes by and I start popping in and out of consciousness, I remember the woman giving me a lap dance and next thing I know being advised to leave. I had no clue what I did cause I was blacking so I remember asking why and if I did something wrong. One of the girls says that I basically took out my dick when she was dancing on me, I'm naturally shocked and embarrassed and start apologising profusely and cause I can tell I'm losing myself I agree to leave.
Next day I tell her I'm coming back to give them a gift and apologise alot again, they accept my apology, the other girl and one of the dudes tells me that since I'm young I should stop doing crystal and drugs cause they don't want to see me get addicted and say next time not to go overboard.
Naturally I feel horrible and I should cause that's not acceptable behaviour but at the same time, these are like 7 30-40 year olds teaching me how to do Crystal meth and mdma while cleary drunk and with the knowledge I'm 18. Like i never wouldve went mad if atleast one said no or did anything to stop me from doing any of the drugs. I'm not trying to completely pass blame cause I know I'm responsible as well for my own actions but I sort of feel like they're also partly to blame for giving me more alcohol, mdma and meth all while i was already drunk and clearly had no clue what i was getting into, it's not that surprising that it went bad.
In a way its good it went bad so i know to stay away from drugs and heavy drinking.
TL;DR: was offered a buttload of hard drugs for the first time and ruined a house party

Hey all, been struggling with my codependency lately. I really need to reread Codependent No More among other things.
I wanted to rant a bit as a reminder to myself why codependency is bad.
I saw someone on this sub recently explain codependency as trying to be as close to someone at all costs, prioritizing closeness over everything else that matters in life, and I was thinking about how I've seen this hurt others—As a codependent myself who has hurt others with this mindset, and as someone who was harmed by other codependents.
When you're codependent, you get enmeshed with others and take other people's problems personally. Sometimes this appears in the form of being so enmeshed that you get offended when someone is in a bad mood, my parents did that a lot with me growing up and would often punish me (usually physical abuse) because they couldn't cope that their "extension" wasn't feeling the same way they wanted. Other ways is that you start to get into other people's problems when it's not your business at all (I've done that), like forcing help on someone in big or small ways after they refuse your offers, or getting into their interpersonal drama. Point is, it's disrespectful as hell even if you call it "just trying to help." No means no.
When you're codependent, you teach everyone that you'll always be there to clean up their worst mistakes. You can't complain about your friends and family's increasingly irresponsible behavior taking up your time or stressing you out if you mame yourself constantly available to them and willingly to do anything they ask. Stop picking up your alcoholic friend from the bar if their drinking is that out of control. If you have a friend who's a drama llama and you're sick of them gossiping to you about problems they have no interest in solving, tell them you are not interested in having those discussions. Have boundaries, establish them clearly and hold them.
Codependecy = the delusion that you can please everyone all the time. Imagine you promise to help set up your friend's birthday party but then you also promise to help your other friend move into their new home. You might end up lying to get out of doing one, or you try to do both but have to half ass your efforts or split up your time between them which leads to both friends feeling cheated. I've done that before. Other times I remember as a child my mother would prioritize helping out in cleaning up at friends' parties over taking her kids home to put them to bed, stressing us out, making us tired and damaging our relationship with mom (both parents are people pleasers but my mom is especially so).
Codependency gives you a marytr complex. No really, I think it gave me a big ego and became an excuse not to fix my problems. After all, how could I leave people I didn't even like? Because they needed me. I needed to be needed to feel special and important, and being a marytr made me feel more justified in feeling sorry for myself and not taking responsibility for my own life.
. When you are codependent, you focus and advocate for the needs of others but never your own. Then you expect others to do the same, but that's stupid, everyone has to advocate for themselves before they can advocate for others and you are no different. Expecting others to do that for you is unfair. Selflessness isn't the same as having no self—Or in other words a truly kind person still prioritizes themselves before helping others because they know you can't pour from a cup that is empty.
Codependency doesn't let you see your worth. You deserve to have your needs met because you are a human being and all human beings are worthy. The end. Not because anyone needs you. I struggle a lot with not feeling like my only reason to recover or to take care of my needs first is so I can take care of others better then. But I don't deserve to have my needs met because I exist to serve or please others.

There have been lots of interesting social media posts lately making use of the fact that the number of ways a deck of 52 cards can be ordered is astronomically large. Specifically, 52! ways, or 8e67 in scientific notation. It's therefore mathematically impossible that more than a tiny fraction of these possible orders have been actually shuffled since the beginning of time.
These posts take it a step farther, making examples of the number of times you'd have to shuffle a deck before you'd be likely to get an identical ordering. Most examples seem to shoot for 52!/2, or 4e67 shuffles before it's more likely than not that you'd find an identical ordering. I believe these estimates are incorrect, and I'm going to use the classic "birthday problem" to illustrate why.
The birthday problem imagines an empty room, with people walking in one by one. As the population of the room incrementally increases, the problem asks this "at what point is it more likely than not that 2 people in the room share a birthday?" The common, intuitive, and also incorrect answer is 365/2 people, or 183 whole human beings. However, this is answering a different question. 183 people is the point at which it's more likely than not that someone shares a birthday with the FIRST person in the room. What was actually asked was the odds that ANY two people share a birthday. We need to take into account all the possible pairings of people in the room. When we do that, we find that the answer is 23. There are 253 ways to pair up 23 people, far more than half the number of days in a year. This surprisingly low answer is known as the birthday paradox.
Taking it back to the card problem, we can see that 52!/2 is actually the point at which it becomes likely that you'll get a duplicate of shuffle #1. But we're looking for the point that it's likely that ANY two shuffles are identical. It follows then that point must be much, much sooner than 52!/2. Still likely an enormous number, but much smaller than commonly stated. But how would we calculate it? We could try to use the same formula commonly used to solve the birthday problem: find the odds of a unique shuffle for N number of shuffles.
The odds of shuffle 1 being unique: 1, or course.
The odds of shuffle 2 being unique: (52!-1)/52!
The odds of shuffle 3 being unique: (52!-2)/52!
The odds of shuffle 4 being unique: (52!-3)/52!
To get the odds that all of these four shuffles are unique, we need to multiply. So, the probability of all four shuffles being unique is: (52!-1)(52!-2)(52!-3)(52!-4)/52!^4.
Taking it to an arbitrary n number of shuffles, we could calculate the odds like this: (52!-1)(52!-2)...(52!-(n-1))/52!^(n-1)
What we want to know is, at what n do the odds of all shuffles being unique drop below .5?
You can see that calculating numbers this big becomes totally unworkable very quickly. What we need is a way to come up with a good estimate. That's where the Birthday Attack comes in.
The Birthday Attack is a cryptographic attack that tries to find collisions in hash functions. For a hash function f(x)=H, with H being the number of all possible function outputs, how many random inputs would we have to put in until it's more likely than not that we get a duplicate H? The Birthday Attack has an answer: roughly 1.25*sqrt(H).
If we take f(x) to be our card shuffling function, which is already random by nature, H would be the total number of possible ways a 52 card deck can be ordered, which we already know to be 52!. So, we can estimate the point at which a duplicate shuffle becomes more likely than not as 1.25*sqrt(52!), or 1.12e34. Still a huge number, but many factors smaller than the commonly stated 4e67!
If you read this far, thank you for entertaining my random mathematical musings! Below are the links to the wiki entries for the Birthday Problem and the Birthday Attack, which I find incredibly interesting.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Birthday_problem
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Birthday_attack

My sister 34 Me 30 My niece just turned 3 a few days ago My son 3 1/2
So alittle back sorry of what happen last April 2023 .
My niece had a birthday party my son who was 3 1/2 at the time diagnosed with autism so at the time he was still learning to wait his turn for things as any normal toddler at that stage is.
Well when the time came for the piñata to come out. He was patiently waiting for his turn. So the birthday girl was taking hers first and he was next. Keep in mind this was a five mins turn and he was getting pretty anxious to take his so when she was just standing there holding the stick, he grabbed it out of her hand .. as any mother would do I grabbed the stick and his hand and told him gentle in a calm voice that he had to wait his turn and we had to give it back he was claim and was going to do so as I was getting the stick out of his had to hand it over back to my niece my sister decided to aggressively to yank it out of my hand and my sons causing chaos and him having a melt down. Soemthing I was trying to avoid. Than she procced to yell at my son telling him that he always ruins her daughter birthday and some other stuff along the way that was just hush and mean to say to someone.. especially a 3 1/2 year old who doesn’t fully understand and was just getting into ABA.
So this year April 2024 my sister and my brother in-law decided to take her else where on her birthday which was this Tuesday and never once mention to me about having family over for cake or nothing. So lastnight Saturday around 8pm my mom and sister were out and about and she came to drop my mom off at home and proceeds to tell me and my kids are invited to come over for cake and a bbq Sunday afternoon .. come to find out the rest of the family knew before hand during the week about it and I just found out last min last night. To me kinda like you didn’t want to invited us and our mom made her ..
So from what my son went through last year I sure don’t want him to go through it again so I texted her this morning me and my kids won’t be attending. Now my parents are calling me a child and selfish because i wasn’t attending .. telling me to keep the past in the past but when it happened they were on my side about it saying it was wrong of her to do so but not I’m a child and selfish for not attending something I was told last min or last year hearing my son has always ruined her daughters birthday party. Why would I want to attend if that’s how she feels ..
Also keep in mind my son nor me have yet to get an apology for what she said and acts like she has done nothing wrong. So AITA ?

TW/CW: causal mention of self harm and family history of SA
So around 8-ish weeks ago I cut my mom off a bit before my birthday.
It’s been hard, and I still get incredibly sad, but I’ve also been thinking a lot more about things and learning things and realizing a little bit.
I’m….. not calmer. Less scared? Definitely less scared. But not calmer.
Honestly the most unexpected thing was the pure rage. I would wake up furious almost every day for at least 4 weeks. It was the first time I had yelled in therapy in a minute- which I think she expected.
I broke a few jars but that was the point of keeping them in the first place- something to smash. Apparently breaking jars destined for the recycling bin is preferable to the self hitting, and out of the two times the sobbing after was….. probably good? Idk.
I wish it didn’t help. I’m grateful it does, the damage I was causing myself needed to stop, but I wish it didn’t.
My partner and I have also gone a LOT heavier on the dark jokes.
Not a lot seems to have changed for my family overall. Apparently she sent me message to everyone so they could all tell her how horrible I was, and 2/4 of my siblings are mad at me, but honestly? The relief of not having her makes me not care. She also blocked me on social media, saving me from doing it. I would say she was handling this well if not for her reaction to us taking my grandmother out to dinner. I got to see how she actually is handling it, and it’s like…. If she’s reminded of my existence at all she starts freaking out? But I’m also not sure if I’m more of a reminder of the assault now or not. To be honestly, this is horrible, but I don’t care.
I didn’t realize how much damage seeing her just 8-12 times a year was causing.
I’m also growing my nails for the first time in my life. I’ve been biting my nails for 31 years- I’m 32. I’m also realizing the damage that causes but that’s a whole thing.
Overall, it’s going well now. It was a bit touch and go, but I’m actually getting things done. I fixed the kitchen sink that I’ve been putting off for years cause I have the energy.
I wish I had been able to do this sooner. I’m glad I did it now.

My first bf (let's call him guy number 1) and I were together for around 2 and a half years, we met in late 2010 before we broke up 10 years ago in early 2014. We were young and in our early 20s back then, things just fizzled out and tbh I got a bit bored which I know is wrong to say but he was really lovely and always respectful towards me even after the break up.
I got in to a relationship with another guy (guy2) afterwards for 2 years but eventually he ended up cheating on me, this was around 2017. I was completely devasted.
After my breakup in 2017 guy1 confessed that he still had feelings for me but I rejected him as i was still healing so he told me that he needed to cut me off at that point in order to move on because he was struggling to be just friends with me to which I was heartbroken that's it come to us parting ways as I wanted to remain friends. But we wished each other well and went our separate ways.
At the start of 2019, I found him on social media and added but didn't say anything so a few days later he ended up deleting me, I don't know why, I thought it might have been because he had moved on to someone so didn't want contact with me which is fair enough.
Anyway at the end of 2019 I met another guy (guy3) and eventually got engaged, we got married but the marriage didn't last long as he also cheated on me so I filed for divorce straightaway, this was at the end of 2021 I was completely depressed and heartbroken but have come a long way since then in terms of healing.
So around 3 months ago guy1 added me on instagram, i accepted and also followed h8m back. We've been viewing each other stories and a month ago he posted a life quote on his story which i liked, I haven't spoke to him yet. I posted a few pictures of myself which he liked but I haven't liked him. A few weeks ago he posted a quote on his story that said 'be the reason for someone's pain to turn into a smile', i liked that quote. It was his birthday last week and i liked a birthday story that he posted on instagram, I wanted to say happy birthdaybut not sure if I should have. I can see from his posts that he succeeding in his career and I am really happy for him.
I'm assuming he is single but not entirely sure. We haven't spoken in a long time and I'm not sure what he thinks of me after how I left him all those years ago. He has always been kind and respectful towards me and was always loyal, I do wonder what would have happened if we hadn't broken up as guy number 2 and 3 wouldn't have cheated on me. Why would guy1 add me?

Hello, For a birthday party where the theme is "character that starts with the first letter of your first name", I'm searching for ideas for my boyfriend and I as a duo. We already thought about "Rick and Morty" but as we never watched, I would like to know if someone has any other idea. Thank you !

My first bf (let's call him guy number 1) and I were together for around 2 and a half years, we met in late 2010 before we broke up 10 years ago in early 2014. We were young and in our early 20s back then, things just fizzled out and tbh I got a bit bored which I know is wrong to say but he was really lovely and always respectful towards me even after the break up.
I got in to a relationship with another guy (guy2) afterwards for 2 years but eventually he ended up cheating on me, this was around 2017. I was completely devasted.
After my breakup in 2017 guy1 confessed that he still had feelings for me but I rejected him as i was still healing so he told me that he needed to cut me off at that point in order to move on because he was struggling to be just friends with me to which I was heartbroken that's it come to us parting ways as I wanted to remain friends. But we wished each other well and went our separate ways.
At the start of 2019, I found him on social media and added but didn't say anything so a few days later he ended up deleting me, I don't know why, I thought it might have been because he had moved on to someone so didn't want contact with me which is fair enough.
Anyway at the end of 2019 I met another guy (guy3) and eventually got engaged, we got married but the marriage didn't last long as he also cheated on me so I filed for divorce straightaway, this was at the end of 2021 I was completely depressed and heartbroken but have come a long way since then in terms of healing.
So around 3 months ago guy1 added me on instagram, i accepted and also followed h8m back. We've been viewing each other stories and a month ago he posted a life quote on his story which i liked, I haven't spoke to him yet. I posted a few pictures of myself which he liked but I haven't liked him. A few weeks ago he posted a quote on his story that said 'be the reason for someone's pain to turn into a smile', i liked that quote. It was his birthday last week and i liked a birthday story that he posted on instagram, I wanted to say happy birthdaybut not sure if I should have. I can see from his posts that he succeeding in his career and I am really happy for him.
I'm assuming he is single but not entirely sure. We haven't spoken in a long time and I'm not sure what he thinks of me after how I left him all those years ago. He has always been kind and respectful towards me and was always loyal, I do wonder what would have happened if we hadn't broken up as guy number 2 and 3 wouldn't have cheated on me. Why would guy1 add me?

First thing to mention, I have Terrance in my AU. He’s one year older than Michael. And I’m one of those people with a crossmedia AU. As you can guess, I’m a Izuku Afton kind of person.
His full name is Terrance Castin Afton, and is commonly called Bubba, Bubbles, or Flower Boy due to his personality and like of flowers.
In my AU, unlike normal, I instead have him possessing Ft. Foxy instead of Lolbit, because that makes less sense for me, his personality doesn’t match that. Ft. Foxy doesn't really fit either, but I don’t want him being a puppet. I also already have ideas of who already possessing who.
So, Terrance died to William, and spent a short time in heaven before being dragged to Earth because of his body being stuffed into Ft. Foxy and having his soul attached and chained to the animatronic.
Terrance spends most of his time caring for the other souls, particularly the missing children. In other posts of mine, I explained that BV and Charlie are the kind of mentor people in the eyes of the souls for being one of the first, followed by Susie. Terrance is seen as similar, but more of a big brother kind.
Also, one thing to mention, William/Glitchtrap has the power of dimension travel and transport. Why? Entertainment. William was testing it out on some items in his office, but then Terrance teleported (Something all souls can do) into his office. Next thing you know, Terrance is in a new dimension, known as the MHA or BNHA universe.
In this world, he found a lady who knew some English, Inko, who took him in, thinking it won’t be long before he’s picked up.
Spoiler, William doesn't care about Terrance a lot.
Since my AU isn’t finished, I’ll just say that Terrance has a radio show that is treated like an ARG.

Hello, For a birthday party where the theme is "character that starts with the first letter of your first name", I'm searching for ideas for my boyfriend and I as a duo. We already thought about "Rick and Morty" but as we never watched, I would like to know if someone has any other idea. Thank you !
(I forgot, R is M and M is F, but it's not really important)

So like the title says, I (M47) struggle with how my brother (M45) and SIL raise their kids (M15, F12). We grew up in a lower-end middle class household. We never went without basic items, but until we were well into high school we didn't splurge as a family. (Going out to dinner was for birthdays, not because Mom didn't feel like cooking). My dad worked a full time executive job and moonlighted evenings and weekends to add to his retirement and put my brother and I through college. We didn't do "luxury vacations" as a family (parents did travel without us) and flying for me started in my 20s with my first job. My brother and I had labor-intensive jobs in HS/college and learned to appreciate a hard day's work The SIL grew up even poorer than us. I truly value growing up this way because I greatly appreciate the success I have and the experiences I've gotten through hard work and dedication. I've thanked my father multiple times over the years for being a hard ass when I was a teen.
My brother and SIL on the other hand spend every nickle they make giving towards the kids "experiences". Three sports each, constant travel, clubs, technology, fancy family room remodels - you name it - they get it. My parents are almost as bad but I understand that because they are grandparents. It's not that I don't think the kids should have some luxuries but I don't believe they truly respect what they get. When a little girl expects a stupid $40 coffee mug for a birthday gift and it's the cheapest item on her list of 3 dozen things, that's a problem, IMO. When they enter "the real world" in a few years and need to start living on their own the world is going to kick them swiftly in the ass when they need to make payments and aren't getting everything they think they deserve. Assuming they go to college or a good trade school, they will NEVER get a salary right out of school close to necessary to meet the quality of life their parents give them today.
I've tried asking my brother about his thoughts on this and I get brushed off because I don't have birth kids of my own (I do have 3 adult stepkids that live independently and albeit struggle a bit, but never ask for help because their mom raised them with those independent values). I probably should just continue to mind my own business but I really think it's going to hurt them in the long run. I guess if there's any suggestions besides "let them raise their own kids and let them deal with it" I'd appreciate any suggestions.
Edit: TLDR, Is there any good way to try to interject core family values you grew up with into other sibling family units

Kloekhorst translated part of a fragmentary story of the god Kumarbi in 2016 in an attempt to fit it into the loose cycle of Hittite myths (now called the Kumarbi Cycle). In part, “The mountain Wāšitta smoked, and all the mountains came to see her. All the mountains began speaking to Wāšitta: ‘Wāšitta! Why have you smoked? From childhood onwards you do not know smoking. The Fate-goddesses have not written it out for you, and your mother has not given birth to it for you’.” She says that Kumarbi slept with her (implying that he impregnated her, though the rest is damaged). This resembles the proverb of the mountain that gave off immense groans and rumbles, yet gave birth only to a mouse. It seems that a volcano erupting might have been likened to a woman giving birth by many groups. Here, though incomplete, it seems clear that Kumarbi’s son will be born when she erupts, likely a version of the better preserved story where he had sex with a stone and fathered the giant Ullikummi. It seems fairly similar to stories of the Sky and Earth personified, as the parents of many gods (often all old or important ones). Trying to fit these stories into context can allow a better understanding of disputed parts.
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In the ancient Hittite myth the Song of Silver, the main character, said to be named Silver, is the son of a god. He fought with the gods in heaven, perhaps to become their ruler (by right of birth) or to overthrow them (the complete version hasn’t been preserved). When I first read analysis of this myth, I kept seeing him compared to monstrous offspring of ancient gods. He was basically described as a terrible, disgusting, rampaging monster, born only for a jealous god to get his revenge on his fellows. For example, Kloekhorst wrote in 2016, “The first three of these allies, Hedammu, Ullikummi and Silver, are in fact ghastly creatures that were fathered by Kumarbi with different (sometimes non-human) women.” Hass in 2006 “[he] develops from a bully to a threat to the order of the world: first he beats up his peers, then he threatens his own mother; later he even attacks the gods and threatens the stars, the sun and the moon.” Since I saw no evidence of a monstrous nature or appearance in the parts of the myth that were preserved, I kept looking for reasons why scholars would give such odd conclusions without direct evidence.
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Also in 2016, Waal gave a completely different interpretation. Taking a comparative folkloristic approach, he describes other tales in which the main character is clearly a hero but has the same problems as Silver (he has no father living with him, is teased by his peers, beats them up, and threatens his mother to tell him who his father is). This set of events seems to be fairly consistent across a wide range of IE groups and those not currently considered IE. This includes: the Greek myth of Phaethon riding the chariot of his father (the Sun), an allegory from Egypt about Truth who is wrongfully accused of theft by his brother False and therefore blinded (whose son is angry when learning of this and goes on a journey to avenge him), the Persian tragedy of Rustem and his son Sohrab (a reverse-Oedipus), the Hawaiian legend of Laka (Laka is teased by other boys for being fatherless, and sets out to seek his father’s bones), and others (some with less in common with Silver). It is the type of motif that, in folk tales, might be used of a secret son of the king whose mother was sworn to secrecy (and so would not reveal it without threat) or the son of a god who the mother is afraid to reveal (either because the boy will go away to seek a (seemingly impossible to reach) father or other consequences of people knowing (or not believing) it) or many other situations common in fiction. Thus, in his view, he was a fairly normal heroic protagonist, who underwent trials and odd events like many in myths found all around the world. This follows a “Hero’s Journey” of the form:
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1. Ordinary Life
   
2. The Boy Shows His Strength
   
3. The Boy is Ridiculed
   
4. The Boy Asks Who His Father Is
   
5. The Boy Sets Out on a Journey
   

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It seems the Kumarbi Cycle, which probably did not form a single story (or a chronological order) orignally, has been wrongly considered as a complete, interconnected story, and conclusions have been prematurely made due to seeing a united theme, etc. That is, if one son of a god had monstrous features, clearly shown by the preserved version of one myth, they assumed they were shared by another even in a wholly separate myth in which the presence was less clear. Anything that could be considered evidence in favor of their view was taken at face value, with no attempt at more careful analysis. In my opinion, many cultures have various versions of myths that are not compatible. Gods and heroes can have one personality in one myth, a totally different set of features in another. Since most myths don’t come from history, no such consistency is needed or possible. Stories change over time based on the beliefs of the tellers. Tales explaining the working of the sun and moon aren’t made only because people thought the sun must be of a certain personality type. If he’s described as eating the stars or moon it’s because of an attempt to understand why they change over the days or months. Describing why the sun is hot, in a separate myth, could give him a completely different set of needs and actions. Trying to see commonality in these would be missing the point.
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Considering additional evidence given by James & Van der Sluijs, it is clear that he was not a monstrous abomination that was created to battle the gods, comparable to Greek Typhon or Giants. Since he is compared to Greek Phaethon, in many ways that seem far beyond chance, a similar origin in Hurrian seems likely. It could have originally been a story about why the sun sets in the west (or in the ocean, going out each night as if dying or defeated, depending on the oldest location of the storytellers). A human who aspired to rule the gods or fly the chariot of the sun might be a metaphor for hubris and pride, and being struck down his punishment. Rather than a permanent death, of a character only found in one myth, it could be part of the character of a Sun God. A character who behaves foolishly in one myth and is killed or imprisoned might also be found in others as a brave hero, a god, etc. Having contradictory stories about a god’s birth or death have nothing to do with religion, and even Greek Zeus was said to have a tomb at the time of his worship. Expecting any greater consistency only serves to hinder gaining real knowledge about these stories, and myth and religion in general. Both Silver and Phaethon were perhaps originally war-like sun-gods, or yet another “Son of the Sun”.
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His name has been translated as Hurrian Ušhune ‘Silver’. However, the word could have had multiple meanings (very important when considering proper names, especially for those in myths that often retain conservative features). He didn’t have any association with silver or any characteristics that would suggest a reason for the name. Since Phaethon obviously meant ‘shining’ in Greek, a similar origin in Hurrian seems likely. Since even Indo-European often takes both words from the same source, *H2arg^-, like Latin argentum, Greek árguros ‘silver’, argós ‘glistening/white’, Sanskrit árjuna- ‘light/white’, I suggest that the glosses of Hurrian Ušhune ‘Shining’, ušhune ‘silver’ be given. James & Van der Sluijs see their evidence as showing that Silver had a non-IE Near Eastern origin, but Waal’s examples extend all around the world. I do not think these could be retained from an ancient original myth for tens of thousands of years, and requires a relatively recent source. Considering how many similar myths have the same similarities showing need for recent origin, I favor the spread of IE culture by conquest over the past 6000 years or so. A Hurrian origin for this version would not be contradictory in this theory, and there is no proof that the Hurrian language itself is not IE.
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James, Peter & Van der Sluijs, Marinus Anthony (2012) 'Silver': A Hurrian Phaethon
https://www.academia.edu/35257286
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Kloekhorst, Alwin (2016) The story of Wāšitta and Kumarbi
https://www.academia.edu/40559134
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Waal, Willemijn (2016) Silver in Search of his Father: A Comparative Folkloristic Approach to an episode of the Song of Silver
https://www.academia.edu/35257245
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Storytime for an genXer who has been playing Paintball since the 80s and Airsoft since the 90s
The question comes up all the time why isn't paintball as popular as it used to people but people tend to forget what made it popular to begin with (it's ok, we get it some of us are old)

1. Paintball used to be dirt cheap - 10 round markers, co2 cart and tubes of paintball were affordable, add some googles and that's all you needed to play - it was no more expensive than buying a BB guns and certainly cheaper than getting into other youth sports at the time
2. You could play anywhere - someone's backyard, local woods, pop up fields with rentals or more formal fields
3. You could buy paintball stuff everywhere - department stores, sporting goods stores, mail order - any place that sold airguns/bb guns probably had paintball at the time
4. Print magazine - Remember Action Pursuit Games? - https://www.mcarterbrown.com/forum/paintball-news-aa/the-dead-zone/126134-action-pursuit-games-magazine-archive I remember buying this from the grocery store magazine rack - many magazines followed - but this is where anyone could find out about the game - find fields, find catalogs, etc
5. The game itself focused on simple play - basically capture the flag, some fields, went all in on scenario play and big games, but most fields throughout the 80s were for casual play
6. High schools and colleges had paintball clubs
7. Speedball didn't come on the scene until the first event at SC village in 89 and going into the 90s it when the game started to change, but not for the better

the 90s you had speedball, tournaments, sponsored teams, etc - which is fine as a niche part of the game, but this started to alienate casual players as fields focused just on speedball - starting costs for speedball for tournament play are alot higher than for casual/woodsball play
The business side
In the US a large part of the country paintball is a seasonal business at best spring to fall
Field insurance isn't cheap
paying staff to run the field isn't cheap
land certainly has not decreased in cost and likely is more valuable to sell off to a developer
Fields that are successful in seasonal areas have multipurpose businesses not just paintball
One field in my area that's been open for 40 years now - has paintball, airsoft,halloween events, big games, corporate outings, birthday parties and camping, they do close for a few months in the winter, they also run a retail/online store year round
Airsoft
Alot of woodsball players moved to Airsoft in the early 2000s and many newbies went to airsoft instead of paintball for the same reasons paintball took off in the 80s

1. Cheap to get started - a basic electric gun, 5000 bbs and googles you're looking at a few hundred bucks
2. You can play year round
3. You can play indoor or outdoor
4. You can buy airsoft stuff everywhere - Outdoor and Sporting goods stuff still carry airsoft, many dropped paintball, Some wal mart stores have airsoft - https://www.cabelas.com/SearchDisplay#q=airsoft
5. Airsoft still has print and digital magazines to promote the game -https://www.ai-mag.com/product-category/magazines/ and yes you can find those at bookstores like Barnes and Noble
6. Airsoft has casual play, milsim, big events - something for everyone and they don't care if its all ages

Not to say the airsoft crowd doesn't have issues, but the fact remains they did take away players from paintball and certainly offer a cheaper barrier to entry than paintball does now
Alright so what does this mean in 2024 to grow the business
Admit that speedball on its own, isn't the answer to grow the game
The game needs to support NEW PEOPLE (yes teens and college kids) and that means
-Weekend open play
-Weekend kids parties
-Weekday corporate rentals for team building/outings
-Scenario play to bring back the airsoft players or the field can also host airsoft
-Big games or seasonal events
When you have a healthy stream of new players then you can support speedball and tournaments, but to go along with that - all the industry people need to get off their fucking asses and go to high schools and colleges and actually SPONSOR clubs and teams - If you want people to take this game seriously for tournaments and making money - they in needs to be competitive for kids to get started
You are competing for kids time with all the other year round sports - how many parents here have kids in a sport or multiple sports throughout the school year? I know my son played basketball, soccer and ran track, did martial arts a few years, like paintball but all his friends were doing other games/sports
Right now its seems like the industry side is living in denial in the past thinking the game as it popular as it was in the late 90s/early 2000s and time has past them buy
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TW: Sexual abuse, suicidal ideation, self harm,
This is long, so thanks for reading it if you choose to read it.
TL:DR I was sexually abused growing up. Entered a toxic relationship, discovered I was bi in the aftermath.
I binged this series yesterday and i'm glad I did. I am a person who was sexully abused growing up by my "friends". My parents had sent me to a rather small school and I was bullied severely by classmates. A year of my life was spent living in fear of a bully who would recruit some of my other friends to do things like hold me down and grab my balls with pliers, sodomize me with whatever they could find etc. My class was so small and the people who did this were the people I shared common interests in like music and skateboarding. I repressed the memories until I left my parents home for college. Only until later in life I learned that you cannot heal from something in the environment that hurt you. While the abuse was going on I was un able to explain it to my parents. A previous year my brother got a wedgie at a party and my dad who was a lawyer literally took a picture of his bare asshole to have proof of his assault and I remember thinking i'd never go through that exprience. Furthermore my parents would tell me things (not knowing of my abuse) like "you'd have it much worse in public school" when i'd beg them to move me elsewhere. They'd threaten to send me to military school when my grades slipped and I always felt like I was the problem.
I spent much of my early 20s in therapy and learning to cope with that experience. I really didn't feel comfortable going to public restrooms (the primary place of my abuse) until my late 20s. I actually thought I had moved on from this trauma until I entered a poly relationship with someone in my early 30s. I loved this person (and a part of me still does) but as the relationship moved on it was clear some things weren't ok. I was very open with her about my past and she wanted me to move in very early on in the relationship. This person also had her own baggage and crappy childhood. We just had very different ways of dealing with it. On paper this girl was shy and sweet, very quiet. However she loved the attention she received from posting nudes on the internet and engaging in risky sexual behavior. When the pandemic started she began doing sex work (without telling me) and of course I made it seem like no big deal, after all she did lose one of her two jobs and was just trying to survive. She eventually had a client stealth her and later that day she had unprotected sex with me.
She also had an older partner who was her "dom" they have a 15 year age gap and after the relationship ended I wondered if he was grooming her. In the 2 years we spent together I can only recall a handful of times she said positive things about him. This guy was a walking red flag really, the first time we hung out as the three of us he stole something, he was an unemployed "actor" and was a 40 year old dating a mid 20s girl. I think he was 38 and she was 24 when they started dating. She brought up things that made me question if he even got consent for some of the things they did. One time they went on a swingers cruise and he brought another couple back to their room without even telling her. He also would dom her in a way that was very physical. We are talking caining her boobs in a fashion that left them completely purple and scarred. I just would tell myself it was her relationship, and not my place to intervene. Both of them were pretty established in the community and I was a newbie. She invited me to a sex party, which I was already hesitant to attend because it was the pandemic, but I remember talking to her so I could gauge expectations and it was pretty clear she only invited me because her other partner had already found another date (unsurprisingly someone even younger then her). When talking to her about the party she went into great detail about what she would do with her other partner and when I asked her what we could do at the party she replied "I don't have to do shit with you". I was so taken a back by that statement and didn't want to start a fight so I simply found an excuse as to why I couldn't go to the party.
Theres other instances of this person just not being a good partner and pushing boundaries. She would limit who I dated by vetoing basically everyone else I tried to date while she started dating every night of the week we didn't spend together. She even went as far as to date someone with the same job as me and I work in a freelance industry. When I approached her to why I was uncomfortable with that and asked her to stop, she kept seeing him anyways. It was only after one of her friends pointed out that I was right she stopped seeing him.
Then I got in a car accident. Someone ran a light, I'm lucky I wasn't more hurt then I was, but the timing of the injuries I did sustain destroyed goals I was working on. Things she knew I deeply cared about and I worked on daily to achieve, things I would wake up everyday at 5am to work towards. The second time I tried to explain to her why I was so depressed after the accident I was met with "You already talked about that, why are you bringing this up again". Just a few weeks after this accident she broke up with me, a day before my birthday. I spent my birthday in my room devastated, and remember talking to her the day after asking to get back together. We ended up getting back together, she had just gotten a job she had to go through some pretty extensive interviewing for and I told her we should go somewhere nice to celebrate, and it would be nice if we could celebrate my birthday as well. She told me I didn't "deserve" a birthday.... 2 months later she had a birthday week.
Finally she broke up with me for the final time after she started dating someone particular pretty heavily. It became clearer that she was dating as hard as she was to replace me. I know I wasn't the best version of myself at the time, but I was understandably just going through some things I think most people would understand. I remember when I went to get my stuff from her place I called her out on everything. She snapped back "why would you bring up the stuff you don't like about me!" rather then acknowledge how she hurt me.
Weeks later she messaged me begging to get back together and I remember saying "i'm sorry but we aren't getting back together this time". I remember offering her closure but she told me I "didn't deserve closure". As I processed the relationship more it only seemed to me having more questions. I remember talking about the unprotected sex thing after getting raped thing on reddit, not thinking she was reading my posts but she messaged me the next day making me feel terrible about talking about it because I was making her rape "all about me". She then asked for no contact, which I gave to her until she matched with me on tinder. (I had swiped right on her before her asking for no contact).
This was months later and I saw my own faults in the relationship. I felt like we made it through the pandemic and there was still a nice future for us. I didn't think the few bad moments I listed so far weighed out some of the lovely times we had together. I think one of the funny things about no contact is you can miss the good things of relationship and bury the things that sucked. I offered her an apology and proposed we work things out. I offered to take her on a trip to Sedona where we could go on hikes and work on our relationship. I communicated this in a pile of anxiety and she basically ghosted out of the conversation and threatened me with a restraining order. Again I stopped contacting her, this time I blocked her everywhere, and I again asked questions on reddit. One day I realized she was probably still reading my reddit though, it is rather easy to make alt accounts after all. SO i deleted all my posts and comments with a bot. Sure enough the next morning I was at work and checked that account. I had a new follower, someone followed me about an hour after I deleted everything and I naively thought maybe it was someone I was talking to in those threads I was writing. Then I started reading the posts of this person. They sounded suicidal (posts like "i don't want to be alive anymore") they were self harming, and their dog was dying. Then I saw they had posted a picture. It was my exes account.
I wasn't really sure what she was trying to get out of contacting me like this. I remember thinking it could be a cry for help so rather then contact the police to do a wellness check I contacted her sister after I didn't hear back from my ex. I thought she was suicidal because her dog needed a surgery and she couldn't afford it, so I offered to pay for the surgery, ironically it would have been with the money I got from the car crash... I never heard back from her and her sister wasn't exactly welcoming me to contacting her despite the circumstances. I wasn't sure if I was out of line or not but it really seemed like my ex needed some help and her sister works at a crisis hotline. This is the last I ever heard from my ex. I did try to reach out a couple of times to understand why she did what she did, but i was simply met with "stop contacting me". This only made things worse, I have spent the last two years having a piece of me worried that she was going to kill herself. I mean thats what her words showed after all. In a way I became a Martha for a minute. While i didn't contact my ex (other then the two times I was seeking answers for why she did what she did) I went to great lengths to see if she was active on certain social medias because if she was active it meant she was alive. I just wanted to know she was ok, so I'd justify things like creating a burner fetlife to see if she was active, nevermind the damage seeing things like my ex getting gangbanged did to my mental health, if she was active it meant she was at least alive. I also wanted truth, I was looking for answers to what happened. I eventually got to a point where I stopped doing this (thank god) and acknowledge its no way to live.
I lost my sexual identity during this time as well. I discovered I was bi, I don't know if the experience with her left me so unnatracted to women, or the trauma felt so similar to what I had experienced in my early 20s. I lived that scene where the Gadd gets off to gay porn and thought "welp that was unexpected". I never went to the lengths of what he did as far as wanting his body to be used though.
This is where things come kind of full circle. In the months between the breakup and her contacting me like that, I started writing a record. It was oddly the most inspiring time of my life. It was about the only joy I was finding during this time frame and it was helping me process that relationship. As soon as she followed me on that account I lost all inspiration though. I felt by releasing the record it would hurt her and the story changed so it felt impossible to finish. My head was no longer in the same space to finish the project, or tell the stories as they were. I finally have finished that record 2 years later and it is what it is, writing the last 15% of it was infinitely more difficult then writing the first 85% because of my concern for her. From my point of view releasing this record could create it's own baby reindeer effect (allthough i'm not a good singer so it's not going to go anywhere like this show) I'm also afraid she will hear it and subsequently relapse into that suicidal state. I'm still on the fence about releasing it.
I guess thats my story, I will say this, Richard and myself were in these situations because we lack boundaries. Maybe not stating boundaries, but simply enforcing them. It's something I have worked on. On top of that there's a reason we stay with the abusers. I know in my case I loved simply spending time with this person. She dangled things in front of me that I wanted. I wanted to move in with her, I wanted to spend more time with her. I don't have a lot of family and being accepted by hers made me feel like I had a place. I viewed her as my best friend and partner. So while the show and this post may highlight the abuse, it also doesn't highlight all the times things were really good. In a way I became addicted to the roller coaster. My ex would push my boundaries further, and i'd subsequently blame myself and try harder. Unfortunately I lost myself in the process. In the case of my childhood abusers, they were the kids that did the things I also liked, I wanted to simply be accepted because I didn't feel accepted in my own home. Furthermore when you end up in one of these abusive relationships, the abuser always has something the abused wants. In my ex I saw someone that drew a bad straw and I wanted my ex to be happy, I loved making her happy, never mind my own needs.

Even a yes or no answer would help me. Posting to get perspectives please because my brain is ruminating again and I need to know I’m not crazy for thinking he was wrong in the head. For TL;DR, please skip to the bullet points.
Some context, I 28F was broken up with a few weeks back by my ex 26M. This came one month after I broke up with him and got back together with him after a week of NC (see below for reason). We were only together 6 months. I am considering this most recent break up to be final and do not expect to ever hear from him again.
The reason behind my first break up was because he decided to convert to Islam and completely invalidated and disregarded my feelings on the matter, telling me to ‘mind your business’, stop asking ‘stupid questions’ and treating me just like ‘everyone else’ who had opinions on what he was doing (most notably, his mum, who he has a rocky relationship with and I think sometimes projected these feelings onto me). He went so cold, like talking to a stranger.
As above, we decided to try again a week later as I was hung up on him and thought maybe he was in mental distress and with better communication we would be able to ride it out. In hindsight I shouldn’t have gone back. We then had one week of being almost normal, happy to be back in each other’s company, before he suddenly grew cold and distant, said he had rushed things, and told me he needed time. I, thinking that maybe he was FA/DA, said I understood and would give him whatever time he needed but that I also wanted to communicate with him and talk it through. So followed a few weeks of feeling cast out and as if I was being punished, seeing him online yet being ignored, him responding in short sentences and being cold, with little affection. He stopped telling me he loved me apart from on my birthday and would message without emotion. He would send me songs with lyrics about lovesickness or sex, however. Bit of a mindfuck not knowing how he thought about me.
This culminated in me telling him we needed to talk and then him saying there was nothing to talk about, ‘no problem’ and that he was ‘literally just fearful of me leaving again for some (his words) random reason’ (hmm). I can understand that I opened a door that was hard to close but this was only due to his invalidating behaviour in the first place. I was then more open and honest with him about how I was feeling, although held back that bit above about it being his fault in the first place (eggshells). He seemed to come around a bit and become more talkative and marginally more affectionate.
However, he also started to become more like a stranger in other ways. He became more snappish and irritable, most notably responding harshly “NO FEMALE SINGERS” when I sent him 2 happy summery songs with female singers, then refusing to explain why and making it into my fault when I called him out on it saying I always dragged things like this out and he ‘ain’t got time for that’. He said it was because all women sounded the same to him now (wtf) but know it was because he must be following some repressive form of Islam where it’s haram to listen to women sing. He became less sweet and more selfish than normal, wrapped up in himself and also seemingly less grown up and more childish than he once was, as if he had regressed. He would say things to me and then be like ‘I wanted to make you angy [sic] but you’re too logical’.
The reason behind the second break up was his choice; I told him it made me sad when he didn’t ask me how I was or how my day was going. This was in the morning on Eid Wednesday. He BLEW up at me, said I was manipulating him and was always the ‘fucking problem’ for bringing things up when they were irrelevant, and I was the kind of person that if he gave me his hand I would take his whole arm. Ouch. I just wanted to feel cared about and valued. He said he ‘would not do this’ and had lost his ‘peace with me’, and broke up with me by saying I clearly wasn’t over my ex and needed to do more healing, left me with a ‘I do still love you though but this is the last time you’ll ever speak to me’.
(For reference, the ex in question was 10 yrs ago and although it was bad, I went to therapy and am very much over it. I’m calling projection on his part because he was cheated on by his last serious girlfriend and I’m thinking it really messed with his head).
I am thinking he was narcissistic.
A list of the traits I noticed: - Self obsessed, all conversations would be about him, his day, his past, or what he wanted to do. - Egotistical and talked himself up (I saw it as confidence at first, then as insecurity) - Selfish in some ways, not in others - Told me he would ‘not change’, this was who he is and he was never gonna be any different (I was a fool for believing otherwise) - I am big on questions but he really wasn’t, so it was mostly me asking him stuff about himself without much/any reciprocation on his part unless I specifically asked him to. He told me he only had a “certain number of questions” and he wanted to “save them for me” in person. Huh - Bad at timekeeping, would leave me waiting on his call or sometimes fall asleep, leaving me not feeling like a priority - Always said he needed to get out of the city and get away from people, wanted to live a life in the countryside - Could be kind of manic, almost? Would make grand statements and snap decisions about what he was gonna do, like religion, like moving house - Very intense about the things he believed in - I don’t think he could be introspective, he rarely accepted blame or apologised. for big things (aka something more than n being late or falling asleep before calling me etc) did it twice in my counting. - Went hard on the rushing things early on. We said I love yous about a month in. He said we had the kind of connection where he knew he would marry me one day and that he just knew it when he met me - Would say things like ‘I will not do this’, ‘I do not have time for this’, ‘naaa I’m not gonna be treated like this’ whenever we would have a disagreement (which by the way, I was always diplomatic and polite during, perhaps too polite and respectful of his feelings at the cost of my own). - Estranged from his family, lived alone. Still saw them at Christmas but would block his mother regularly from arguments. Had friends but could be negative about them - Extremely sensitive to rejection or perceived rejection (had ADHD though so this could also be Rejection Sensitivity?) - Threw things back in my face if we had disagreements or arguments. Felt DARVO’d, honestly. Always felt like the enemy to him if we argued. - Said he never felt like he was good enough for me this was a BIG one he often came back to - Often negative and cold if you upset him, so so cold. Cut people out of his life as if they were dead to him, he didn’t want to try and understand them or reconcile, and told me as much when I first started speaking to him. I guess I always knew I’d be one of those people some day but it was so good to feel special whilst it lasted - He NEVER put me down, only via the invalidation of my feelings over the Islam thing and at the end when he broke up with me and said I needed to heal. He always told me he was proud of me, that I was beautiful and meant the world to him (didn’t fffing show it though by asking about my day did heeeee) - Very good at sharing, and actually very generous! Loved animals and children and was really good with them - Incredibly alluring, kind and charming when he wanted to be. Cheeky, great sense of humour, very passionate. Could be incredibly romantic, very kind, respectful, understanding and reassuring about my vulnerabilities and insecurities. Told me that when I first broke up with him, it was like when someone had died and he couldn’t come to terms with it. And really, all this is what’s fucked me up the most >.< because I miss THESE parts of him like hell
Any advice or thoughts on whether I was with a narcissist or not are appreciated. I personally feel like he was a covert Narc but I’m in that weird fucked up rumination time where I don’t have any answers and I just wish I could talk to him to get them - I know I can’t though and even if I could it wouldn’t help.
Thank you

We dated for 5 years, we’ve been dating since I was 15 and she was 16. The root of all our problems and issues happened back when we were in high school. I cheated on her, I was texting another person (nothing physical) and I’ll take accountability for it as I always have. She found out on my birthday. I remember the first time seeing her cry, it shattered me. I’d never been in a relationship before this, she had been in a 1 to 2 year relationship before we met with a guy. She basically had an understanding of what love was, I didn’t. My longest relationship before her was 3 months, and I was so used to just being talked to and then left for another person I honestly thought it was just normal. I did a bunch of bad things in the relationship like, like IG pictures of random girls and even be in the comments when I was younger with her. I wish I could go back and do it all differently, she’s been having dreams of me cheating on her for the past 2 years or so and no matter how much I’d reassure her she’d still have them, Throughout everything me and her have been through I’ve been the one to chase and make things better. And I remember how she always says we need space and how we should do no contact, I was always so scared of the thought of that because I’d think she’d just forget about me and move on, I don’t want that I Love her, relationship or not she’s been my best friend for the past 4 years, we’ve done and did everything together and we were completely connected at the hip. I’ve been the best boyfriend I possibly can be to her and I love her with all of my heart and soul. We grew up together pretty much, she’s seen me at my lowest, and I’ve seen her at hers. Fast forward we are coming up on what would’ve been year 5 of our relationship Dec 28th. And she just recently told me last Sunday “I wanna work towards separation I feel like you’re an amazing person and you do make me feel comfortable and secure but in my heart I don’t think this is for me anymore I still have my dreams I don’t think I can continue in this state of mind with you.” That literally killed me, it was right after I had dropped her off at home, we were having a normal day, nothing was wrong we both said “I love you” too each other and everything was fine, I dropped her off that day with plans of coming back to get her so she could stay at my house. Another major problem with us was the distance, we constantly missed each other because we didn’t live together, she doesn’t have a car, but I do. She’s about 30 minutes away from me, that right there also I believe hurt us. When she told me how she felt, I cried and pleaded her to stay and I begged to work it out. She ended up blocking me, I made text now accounts, TikTok accounts, instagram accounts. All to reach her, and every time I was shot down. I did this before, because she typically always just blocks me whenever we go through something, in my head it’s normal. But I went to far, she made it clear she didn’t want to see me, I sat at her job and waited for her to get off to see if she had a ride home, I was worried because I always take her wherever she has to go. To my surprise she did, and I could tell it wasn’t an Uber, I followed them. I know, it was crazy and stupid and at the time I guess it really scared her. I went to her house as well to knock on her window and she told me to leave immediately, I did. I just acted very impulsive at the slightest thought of me missing her, I tried to talk to her, knowing what boundaries she set up before me. And she just tells me now, she doesn’t want this anymore. That shattered me, it sent me over the edge completely. I ran away from with the intention of dying, I just want life to be over if it isn’t with her. She genuinely is my everything. I’ve never bonded with a person like this, she is my first everything. Fast forward im home now and safe im going to start therapy, I tried to reach out to her again and she flat out tells me, she doesn’t love me anymore, she said she’s scared of me. That hurts so much to hear coming from your only friend you know, I’ve spent practically all my life alone, I’m an only child so I have no big brother or sister to confide in, never did. My life at home has also always been toxic, my mother isnt the most emotionally available, and my dad just came into my life really. She was the only one to understand me, and I hurt her like this. I just want my best friend back, I wish she’d love me again. Maybe this is good though, maybe I’ve been suffocating her. I’m praying that space will bring us back together someday, and if not, I’m hoping to meet her again in another life. I wish she still loved me.

It's time we acknowledge: Men are complicated too.
Hey everyone,
I just wanted to share a little story that made me ponder the complexities of human relationships, particularly those involving men.
So, about a year ago, I met this guy, let's call him "X," and we hit it off as friends. Fast forward to December 2023, we decided to meet up in Versova, Bombay. It was one of those serendipitous moments when we bumped into each other on the metro. He even brought my favorite qwhite flowers! We had a blast exploring the area, chatting, and enjoying each other's company.
Things progressed, and we celebrated his birthday in January 2024. Being the caring friend I am, I went all out to make it special for him with anime-themed gifts and more white flowers. We shared intimate moments, laughed, and created memories.
But here's where it gets complicated. Despite the fun times and deep connection, things took an unexpected turn. We ended up crossing a line and exploring a physical relationship. (Ig it was just magic of bombay, or those streets of colaba we romanticized that night)
It was February 2024, and we decided to meet up with "X" at his place. As I entered his room, I could sense a subtle tension in the air, hinting at his desire for something more physical. However, I wasn't in the mood due to my period, and period sex isn't my cup of tea. He respected my boundaries and we ended up talking for a couple of hours.
Later, we went out for dinner, and after the meal. We returned to his room, closed the door, and things started heating up. It was our first intimate encounter (we were each other's first), and everything seemed to be going smoothly until, well, the that happened. He ejaculated on my chest, and my immediate reaction was to burst into laughter. My awkwardness often manifests as laughter, and in that moment, it was my defense mechanism.
After the incident, he cleaned me up, he is a nice gentleman and I left for the day. But what followed was a period of silence. I reached out to him after a few weeks, suggesting we catch up, but he seemed evasive and claimed to be busy. This pattern continued.
Now, the big question remains: Why would he behave in such a way?
It's a conundrum that I've been trying to unravel myself. Perhaps he wasn't ready for the emotional complexity that our relationship had taken on. Maybe he felt guilty about our physical intimacy and wanted to retreat to a safer, platonic zone. Or it could be that he simply wasn't as invested in our connection as I was.
I respected his decision, but what puzzled me was his sudden change in behavior. He became distant, avoiding plans to meet up. Eventually, he confessed that he couldn't continue our arrangement and wanted to revert to being just friends.
While I understood and accepted his decision, what left me baffled was his subsequent actions. He claimed to have returned to Delhi, yet I later discovered he was still in Bombay, cycling around South Bombay with another girl.
Now, I'm not here to vilify him or paint myself as the victim. Relationships, whether platonic or romantic, are nuanced, and people navigate them in their unique ways. But this experience made me realize that men, just like women, can be complex beings with their own set of emotions, desires, and insecurities.
If anyone has insights into deciphering male behavior, I'm all ears!
Ps: I still couldn't understand why he lied. We were just friends, if liked someone else he could have told, we always had open communication.

Hi everyone. I’m writing here because I don’t know what else I could possibly do. My boyfriend (Let’s call him Kyle) and I have been together for 2 1/2 years. He’s my high school sweetheart, he’s an absolutely wonderful guy and I don’t know what I would do without him.
I want to start this posts with the positives, I don’t want the comments to bash my partner because he legitimately is a great guy.
Kyle is everything I have ever wanted in a man. He’s attentive, he’s sweet, he loves music and plays guitar, he knows what I like to do and genuinely cares about me.
My problem lies in the past 6 months. Since our anniversary in November, I have found myself slowly losing feelings. (I don’t know what this feels like but I assume it’s getting annoyed with everything I used to find cute and not getting as excited to be with him).
We have a lot of conflicting perspectives and honestly, some of them would have been deal breakers to me if I was talking to another guy. This includes timelines for things, future travel, and music taste. (I love his music taste we have some similar bands).
Kyle has not exactly grown in our relationship the ways I would have expected. I will still be upset over the same things I was on day one of our relationship and while I have worked to fix myself (don’t get me wrong he has too, he works very hard) I haven’t noticed those same efforts from him. For example, since day 1, he knows I love flowers. I can name so many scientific names and I love going to the botanical gardens in our city. My house is covered in flowers. I still have to beg him to once in a while get me flowers. I feel horrible asking him to buy me something. But once in a while, like on my birthday, Valentine’s Day, or our anniversary, I would like flowers. Supermarket ones or if he finds one on his walks and picks it that’s great!
Kyle has a lot of problems with being very pessimistic. I’ll bring up an idea of something to do and it’ll be shot down immediately. For example, I wanted to go on a night picnic in a nearby park and look at the stars, he immediately said no and listed all sorts of reasons as to why he didn’t want to. I proceeded to list other things to do and he continued with this. This is our normal cycle and happens every time we want to do something together.
I also feel a pressure to be bisexual. For years I have identified as such but in the past year and a half, I have tried to tell him that I was straight. He told me “No you’re not” and laughed. This has happened every time.
The worst of all, he told me to my face during an argument that he doesn’t see a future with me. When he saw how bad it hurt me he tried to backtrack but the damage has been done, this was around 6 months ago and what I believe has checked me out of the relationship.
All of these little things have added up to make me believe I am losing feelings for my partner but I don’t want to. I want to work things out with him and get him to see why I’m hurting and that we need to talk. I’ve been avoiding texting him today which is easy since he never texts me first. This is the person I have genuinely considered a future with and I want things to work out.
I’m scared to lose him.
Am I losing feelings? How do you recommend I talk to him?

I met a crew member while on a cruise. We didn’t get to interact a lot. I initially met and spent time with another guy the first two nights. He noticed and asked how it was. It felt like we had chemistry. We exchanged numbers on the last night. I didn’t expect to really hear from him. He messaged me within hours after the cruise. We have been chatting multiple times a day. We also video chat a few times a week.
Is it possible that we could have a real relationship? He has told me he isn’t talking to anyone else. I worry about a wife and family back home. He has said he isn’t married. How can I find out if this is true?
I worry I am just someone to fill his time until his contract is over. I don’t want to get my hopes up and have my heart broken. I know when his contract is over, name, birthday and things about his family. Our conversations seem to be getting deeper some days.
As an American I worry that it may not be true. I watch too much TV and am scared it could be for a visa. Any thoughts or advice?