Worksheets on asthma
Asthma: A Place to Breathe
2010.12.28 05:53 Shinks7er Asthma: A Place to Breathe
Reddit's asthma forum.
2009.11.26 17:08 Boy Scouts of America news, information, etc.
2013.09.28 21:30 yellowyn Cognitive Behavorial Therapy: Thinking ourselves better
A subreddit focused on the practice of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT). Cognitive Behavioral Therapy is a form of psychotherapy that emphasizes the important role of thinking. CBT starts with the assumption that changing maladaptive thinking leads to change in behavior and emotions. The treatment focuses on changing an individual's thoughts (cognitive patterns) in order to change his or her behavior and emotional state.
2024.02.13 18:05 Van_Doofenschmirtz Are there other schools of thought besides Low Demand Lifestyle? 15 year old flunking out of school. Ideas for what to do next.
UPDATE: expulsion reversed, for now!
Coming back for an update. We met with the headmaster and made our case. They agreed to let our son stay for the remainder of the year on very strict probational terms with all the power in their hands. They have instructed his teachers to extend zero extensions or generosity in expectations/ grading. They said it is very unlikely he will be allowed to remain at the school for next year, but they are willing to defer that decision to see what he can produce in these final months. It's in his hands.
On a very positive note, his mental health has improved. Opening a fresh term (they are on trimesters) without any late assignments hanging over him was a sweet relief. Although, due to his low grades, at least two courses have to be repeated in the summer. But he is doing much better and setting so many goals for himself.
I really appreciate the comments, even those who worried they were harsh. I can handle it, and I appreciate all of it.
I would in fact love to be less involved. When I try ignoring the school’s emails and phone calls, they only dial up the pressure and demand we come in for meetings.
As for my son’s need for autonomy and wanting to be in the driver’s seat on these enrollment decisions, I can’t do entirely so without feeling financially irresponsible. I went to free public school and to an affordable state university. A SINGLE year of his current tuition is more than was spent on my entire education from age 5 - 22. And not just because I’m old, lol, - a year of his high school cost more than 3 years of current tuition at my university. My parents graciously paid for that, and my obligation was clear in repayment: good attendance and respectable academic effort. The thought of just failing classes (almost entirely due to lack of attendance) on someone else’s dime seems entitled and ungrateful to me, especially since the whole thing (leaving public school) was his idea.
I will share some really mature insights he has offered in case any of you have very young children. From his perspective, all the years of IEP accommodations hurt him. He wishes we could go back and have no accommodations or supports, including extended time, modified/shortened assignments, etc., because he said it only pushed the problem off to an older age when it was much harder to adapt to "normal" expectations. He says being an A student in public school (with a robust IEP) prevented him from developing necessary skills that a 15 year old should have. And of course, he is also upset that it is all on his record because he wants to apply to West Point or the Air Force Academy and says the long history of accommodations will make that nearly impossible. The military was never on his or our radar before this year.
As I am facing an upcoming psycho-educational analysis with my 8 year old who is almost a carbon copy of my 15 year old (clinical dx of autism, anxiety, ADHD), I will take accommodation recommendations with a huge grain of salt and reflect deeply about whether they will serve him in the long run. I’m also halfway through a controversial book on childhood therapy that has me questioning everything and is somewhat supporting my teen’s opinion that many of our efforts to “help” him, from school accommodations to SSRIs to therapy, may not have only been unhelpful but potentially even harmful. He's asking to come off all meds. We let him come off ADHD but I'm nervous to have him wean off the SSRIs but promised we can try. It’s a lot to digest.
https://www.penguinrandomhouse.com/books/716567/bad-therapy-by-abigail-shrie
---------------------------------------------------------
Original post:
TL;DR - are there alternatives to the Low Demand Lifestyle for supporting PDA? And what educational options should I consider for a 15 year old who has flunked out of school?
I don't think in the long run my son will be happy with the results if we go with Low Demand Lifestyle, he has in fact tells me I should've pushed him more his whole life and not let him quit so many things. To be fair, when I'm able to convey expectations in a non-confrontational manner, I do try. But an expectation is an expectation, and he can read between the lines. He has PDA but is also ambitious, which is a tragic combination. In moments of clarity throughout his life, he's expressed such anguish over all the things he quit (like team sports, musical instruments) and has such grief and regret for all the things he's said "no" to. But he's rarely in the right mood to say "yes." So in the moment, low demands might feel good to him, but I think that he will be incredibly unhappy in the long run because his world is just getting smaller and smaller and more screen-based and it's not what he says wants, even as he resists most offers of support and forms of therapy and tough love.
--------
Background: I will just start with an apology. I'm sure I'll say something wrong because no, I haven't lurked on this board lately and I'm sure I'll put my foot in my mouth even as I endeavor not to. I am breaking my self-imposed Reddit and social media ban to ask this because my family is in crisis. (I get screen-addicted very easily, just like my neurodivergent kids. I had to make a clean break from Reddit, Twitter and all other social media and hope that beyond the rare post like this I will stick with it).
I have 4 kids, 3 of whom are clinically diagnosed with autism, ADHD and anxiety disorders. I'm am very similar to them, but, you know, getting a clinical diagnosis for a 46 year old woman who's masked her whole life is a familiar and frustrating story in these spaces.
My oldest is in crisis. He is in the process of being expelled/flunking out of his high school. They are letting him finish the tri-mester term (finals are next week) after we begged so I'm using this time to make an emergency transition plan. He does have a psychiatrist and a therapist but I don't know how much I can lean on him because it turns out he just lies to them and they don't really "know" him. The PDA profile was suggested to me by a BCBA when he was 7 and he checks all the boxes for this condition perfectly, even though no other therapists, doctors or educators we've worked with are familiar with it and we are in the US so it's not a recognized DSM diagnosis.
His school, which he begged to attend, is a rigorous college prep school that I was adamantly opposed to because it's way too hard (AND requires 2 team sports! He's not a sporty guy and he has asthma which he uses to get out of most practices and games). It's also incredibly expensive, more than my college tuition for just high school. His rationale was that we pay college savings to high school instead, then he'd do so well he'd get scholarships.
He hated public school (which he attended Prek - 8th with a homeschool detour during Covid) despite the fact that we are in a very reputable district and he had a robust IEP. He didn't like it because he felt like he wasn't learning and that they discouraged critical thinking (any attempts at counterpoints or challenging a teacher on a historical inaccuracy was promptly shut down). He got excellent grades with little effort, there was not much homework and in our districts' attempt to close achievement gaps, they've just been continually lower the expectations across the board. So, I guess that was indeed a very Low Demand Lifestyle and on paper it looked like he was doing fine, straight As.
Even so, he's had school refusal his entire life. It got worse as he got older, like average 30 days absent per year. We used to get the threatening letters from the school about attendance. Which was really fucking rich during Covid, since they were the ones who'd they'd send him home if he so much as sniffled and not allow him back without a negative Covid test (which was before the home tests rolled out), and banned nebulizers for asthma during school hours because it could "aerosolize the Covid particles" then had the audacity to send us a sternly worded letter about attendance and referrals Child Family Service referrals. I digress.
I must emphasize that HE begged to leave the district. We are public school graduates, raised by public school teachers, it's all we knew and all we had considered. So when he applied then miraculously got accepted into the hardest private school in our region, I pled my case to pick any number of other more relaxed private schools like a really interesting Montessori high school that felt like a great fit. But no, he loved this one because it's hard, it's prestigious, it was more open to diverse viewpoints. They were fully aware of his diagnoses and IEP and made him their own version of a learning plan, which is not like an IEP but more like a 504. They offered the typical accommodations like extended time and organizational assistance.
He's in his sophomore year. From day 1 of freshman year, he's resisted all of their academic support. He doesn't check or respond to emails, he ghosted the peer tutors and learning consultants (until we tied his cooperation to screen time) and he didn't put in the time required to stay afloat. They were very upfront about rigor: high school students average 3 hours of homework per night. Other families we consulted confirmed their sons came home, worked, ate dinner, worked some more, and went to bed. I TOLD HIM ALL OF THIS and begged him not to go there. I was overruled. My husband thought that if there was even a chance that he would grow up and throw his heart into this school, who are we to stand in his way? My husband's best friend attended there in the 90s and barely got through it, but he says that it made him the successful man he is and that he had no regrets.
Things have only gotten worse. His grades and attendance have been terrible. I offered many times to let him transfer to an easier school. He refused (and still refuses, he says if this doesn't work out he won't consider any other school). He took a medical leave of absence this fall to go to Rogers Behaviorial in Wisconsin to treat his anxiety (total disaster, we picked him up 6 days into his planned 6 week stay). That, too, was his idea. He wanted to go "resolve" his social anxiety and we were sold a vision of peaceful walks in the woods, horseback riding, and strategies to conquer anxiety. Instead he was put in a locked depression recovery unit with suicidal kids (he was not suicidal) and he didn't breathe outdoor air once in the 6 days he was there and he wasn't even allowed to have books in his room. Suffice to say, his mental health declined while there instead of improving.
Upon picking him up early, his school didn't let him immediately return. They said it was finals time and he'd missed too much so he should just come back at the next term (around Thanksgiving). This meant weeks at home and retreating further into Youtube and videogames and daily battles with us for more screentime. I can't overemphasize how draining these daily battles were (and still are). We even tried it his way "if you remove ALL limits it will be less tantalizing for me and I will self-moderate." We tried that...without guardrails he'd spend 9-10 hours a day on screens! Which I get, my own screen addiction has been a constant battle.
They let him return in November for the second trimester and we are still in that term but his performance has been very poor, even as they let him drop one class to makeup over the summer. He has racked up absences and turned in almost no work and currently has two failing grades. Before winter break the school made it very clear that a massive turnaround was needed. He went into break full of ambition. He squandered it. He spent all of his time doing anything but work. We argued constantly about screen time and even when we stood firm on our limit (2 hours per day) he would find anything else to do besides work on his overdue assignments. The expectation was that he would return from break fully caught up. He did not, not even close.
We were clear then and have been clear throughout that they weren't going to let him continue in this manner. They told us that if a drastic improvement didn't happen immediately, he would have to repeat his sophomore year. That was a nonstarter for him. "I will not. I will have to quit in that case. I refuse."
We have tried SO FUCKING HARD. We've broken down every single missing assignment (there were over 50) and showed him exactly what to do, offered tutoring, offered to take him to dad's empty office on the weekends to work in peace, offered helpful apps like Photomath, he refused all of it. And the lies, oh the lies. We have caught him lying about completed work so many times. And that's what brought things to a head last week, ahead of schedule. He was supposed to have until the end of next week, the end of the term, before they lowered the boom. But they caught him lying to his advisor and learning consultant about having turned in work he hadn't turned in and they confronted him and he had a panic attack and said "ok! ok! I guess I have to quit!" and I think they were relieved and took that at face value. He didn't mean it. They told us there was nothing else they could do for him and that we were at the end.
Over the weekend he did 6 months worth of Algebra 2. He did it. For real. He said "I don't deserve another chance, but can you ask anyway?" So we went and plead his case with the powers that be yesterday. They were unmoved but we finally got them to let him take the finals, with a huge caveat that there is very little chance they will change their mind regardless of how he scores because his avoidant behavior and lack of honesty have been so persistent, and that the level of daily support they have been providing him is far beyond what they've ever done for any student at that school and just not in keeping with their standards for rigor and preserving their reputation for academic excellence. :(
I'm not sure if he is deluded about his propsects, all month he's been telling me he wants to get off all medications and drop his learning plan so he can apply for a medical waiver and try to get into USMA (West Point) which automatically disqualifies based on autism, adhd, IEPs, and related medications and supports. You can apply for an exemption, but based on his record even BEFORE he was about to be kicked out, it seems incredibly unlikely. It is bizarre to me that he is even interested. We are not a military family. He is a healthy weight, but I can't imagine he could keep up with the physical demands. He doesn't exercise daily (like we tell him to), he doesn't like to wake up early, basically everything about the military lifestyle seems counter to his nature, but that's his "thing" right now that's all he can think about.
So he's at school for the next week and a half and I need to use that time to figure out what happens next. The year we homeschooled (7th grade) was so stressful. He learned a lot, but not what I asked him to learn. I made daily work plans and he would just push them aside and watch educational videos instead on totally different topics than what we were supposed to be learning. We fought a lot. I am not sure I can try that again, but I also know he refuses to go to any other brick and mortar school. I'm also hesitant to do any kind of online school because he is SO SCREEN ADDICTED that it seems like a terrible idea. I was thinking of going old school with textbooks, worksheets, pencils and just avoiding screen-based work as much as possible. But every single day will be like pulling teeth and I'm not sure I have the emotional bandwidth for it.
The only school that *has* to take him at this point is obviously the public high school. I know he will not go.
I'm not sure what to do. And back to my original question -- are there other schools of thought besides Low Demand Lifestyle? My husband considers it a nonstarter. Even some of the "success" stories I've read for that approach don't sound like what I would consider success. There is some PDA coach I was looking at, reading her stuff, until I realized she just lets her kid on screens all day every day. That feels kind of like giving up to me, and I believe screens are the worst thing that ever happened to my family. I am forever regretful of letting a single smartphone, ipad, Switch or gaming PC into this house. I know I'm unlikely to find anti-screen allies on Reddit of all places, but...worth a shot. Are there approaches to PDA that allow you to maintain firm screen limits and have healthy expectations for a child in terms of schoolwork, hygiene, chores, employment? Or am I in denial about what living with PDA can look like?
Again, I'm sure I've offended lots of people with my post and word choices and anti-screen mentality. Mental health spaces are hard for me to navigate deftly. I'm sorry.
submitted by Van_Doofenschmirtz to PDAAutism [link] [comments]
Coming back for an update. We met with the headmaster and made our case. They agreed to let our son stay for the remainder of the year on very strict probational terms with all the power in their hands. They have instructed his teachers to extend zero extensions or generosity in expectations/ grading. They said it is very unlikely he will be allowed to remain at the school for next year, but they are willing to defer that decision to see what he can produce in these final months. It's in his hands.
On a very positive note, his mental health has improved. Opening a fresh term (they are on trimesters) without any late assignments hanging over him was a sweet relief. Although, due to his low grades, at least two courses have to be repeated in the summer. But he is doing much better and setting so many goals for himself.
I really appreciate the comments, even those who worried they were harsh. I can handle it, and I appreciate all of it.
I would in fact love to be less involved. When I try ignoring the school’s emails and phone calls, they only dial up the pressure and demand we come in for meetings.
As for my son’s need for autonomy and wanting to be in the driver’s seat on these enrollment decisions, I can’t do entirely so without feeling financially irresponsible. I went to free public school and to an affordable state university. A SINGLE year of his current tuition is more than was spent on my entire education from age 5 - 22. And not just because I’m old, lol, - a year of his high school cost more than 3 years of current tuition at my university. My parents graciously paid for that, and my obligation was clear in repayment: good attendance and respectable academic effort. The thought of just failing classes (almost entirely due to lack of attendance) on someone else’s dime seems entitled and ungrateful to me, especially since the whole thing (leaving public school) was his idea.
I will share some really mature insights he has offered in case any of you have very young children. From his perspective, all the years of IEP accommodations hurt him. He wishes we could go back and have no accommodations or supports, including extended time, modified/shortened assignments, etc., because he said it only pushed the problem off to an older age when it was much harder to adapt to "normal" expectations. He says being an A student in public school (with a robust IEP) prevented him from developing necessary skills that a 15 year old should have. And of course, he is also upset that it is all on his record because he wants to apply to West Point or the Air Force Academy and says the long history of accommodations will make that nearly impossible. The military was never on his or our radar before this year.
As I am facing an upcoming psycho-educational analysis with my 8 year old who is almost a carbon copy of my 15 year old (clinical dx of autism, anxiety, ADHD), I will take accommodation recommendations with a huge grain of salt and reflect deeply about whether they will serve him in the long run. I’m also halfway through a controversial book on childhood therapy that has me questioning everything and is somewhat supporting my teen’s opinion that many of our efforts to “help” him, from school accommodations to SSRIs to therapy, may not have only been unhelpful but potentially even harmful. He's asking to come off all meds. We let him come off ADHD but I'm nervous to have him wean off the SSRIs but promised we can try. It’s a lot to digest.
https://www.penguinrandomhouse.com/books/716567/bad-therapy-by-abigail-shrie
---------------------------------------------------------
Original post:
TL;DR - are there alternatives to the Low Demand Lifestyle for supporting PDA? And what educational options should I consider for a 15 year old who has flunked out of school?
I don't think in the long run my son will be happy with the results if we go with Low Demand Lifestyle, he has in fact tells me I should've pushed him more his whole life and not let him quit so many things. To be fair, when I'm able to convey expectations in a non-confrontational manner, I do try. But an expectation is an expectation, and he can read between the lines. He has PDA but is also ambitious, which is a tragic combination. In moments of clarity throughout his life, he's expressed such anguish over all the things he quit (like team sports, musical instruments) and has such grief and regret for all the things he's said "no" to. But he's rarely in the right mood to say "yes." So in the moment, low demands might feel good to him, but I think that he will be incredibly unhappy in the long run because his world is just getting smaller and smaller and more screen-based and it's not what he says wants, even as he resists most offers of support and forms of therapy and tough love.
--------
Background: I will just start with an apology. I'm sure I'll say something wrong because no, I haven't lurked on this board lately and I'm sure I'll put my foot in my mouth even as I endeavor not to. I am breaking my self-imposed Reddit and social media ban to ask this because my family is in crisis. (I get screen-addicted very easily, just like my neurodivergent kids. I had to make a clean break from Reddit, Twitter and all other social media and hope that beyond the rare post like this I will stick with it).
I have 4 kids, 3 of whom are clinically diagnosed with autism, ADHD and anxiety disorders. I'm am very similar to them, but, you know, getting a clinical diagnosis for a 46 year old woman who's masked her whole life is a familiar and frustrating story in these spaces.
My oldest is in crisis. He is in the process of being expelled/flunking out of his high school. They are letting him finish the tri-mester term (finals are next week) after we begged so I'm using this time to make an emergency transition plan. He does have a psychiatrist and a therapist but I don't know how much I can lean on him because it turns out he just lies to them and they don't really "know" him. The PDA profile was suggested to me by a BCBA when he was 7 and he checks all the boxes for this condition perfectly, even though no other therapists, doctors or educators we've worked with are familiar with it and we are in the US so it's not a recognized DSM diagnosis.
His school, which he begged to attend, is a rigorous college prep school that I was adamantly opposed to because it's way too hard (AND requires 2 team sports! He's not a sporty guy and he has asthma which he uses to get out of most practices and games). It's also incredibly expensive, more than my college tuition for just high school. His rationale was that we pay college savings to high school instead, then he'd do so well he'd get scholarships.
He hated public school (which he attended Prek - 8th with a homeschool detour during Covid) despite the fact that we are in a very reputable district and he had a robust IEP. He didn't like it because he felt like he wasn't learning and that they discouraged critical thinking (any attempts at counterpoints or challenging a teacher on a historical inaccuracy was promptly shut down). He got excellent grades with little effort, there was not much homework and in our districts' attempt to close achievement gaps, they've just been continually lower the expectations across the board. So, I guess that was indeed a very Low Demand Lifestyle and on paper it looked like he was doing fine, straight As.
Even so, he's had school refusal his entire life. It got worse as he got older, like average 30 days absent per year. We used to get the threatening letters from the school about attendance. Which was really fucking rich during Covid, since they were the ones who'd they'd send him home if he so much as sniffled and not allow him back without a negative Covid test (which was before the home tests rolled out), and banned nebulizers for asthma during school hours because it could "aerosolize the Covid particles" then had the audacity to send us a sternly worded letter about attendance and referrals Child Family Service referrals. I digress.
I must emphasize that HE begged to leave the district. We are public school graduates, raised by public school teachers, it's all we knew and all we had considered. So when he applied then miraculously got accepted into the hardest private school in our region, I pled my case to pick any number of other more relaxed private schools like a really interesting Montessori high school that felt like a great fit. But no, he loved this one because it's hard, it's prestigious, it was more open to diverse viewpoints. They were fully aware of his diagnoses and IEP and made him their own version of a learning plan, which is not like an IEP but more like a 504. They offered the typical accommodations like extended time and organizational assistance.
He's in his sophomore year. From day 1 of freshman year, he's resisted all of their academic support. He doesn't check or respond to emails, he ghosted the peer tutors and learning consultants (until we tied his cooperation to screen time) and he didn't put in the time required to stay afloat. They were very upfront about rigor: high school students average 3 hours of homework per night. Other families we consulted confirmed their sons came home, worked, ate dinner, worked some more, and went to bed. I TOLD HIM ALL OF THIS and begged him not to go there. I was overruled. My husband thought that if there was even a chance that he would grow up and throw his heart into this school, who are we to stand in his way? My husband's best friend attended there in the 90s and barely got through it, but he says that it made him the successful man he is and that he had no regrets.
Things have only gotten worse. His grades and attendance have been terrible. I offered many times to let him transfer to an easier school. He refused (and still refuses, he says if this doesn't work out he won't consider any other school). He took a medical leave of absence this fall to go to Rogers Behaviorial in Wisconsin to treat his anxiety (total disaster, we picked him up 6 days into his planned 6 week stay). That, too, was his idea. He wanted to go "resolve" his social anxiety and we were sold a vision of peaceful walks in the woods, horseback riding, and strategies to conquer anxiety. Instead he was put in a locked depression recovery unit with suicidal kids (he was not suicidal) and he didn't breathe outdoor air once in the 6 days he was there and he wasn't even allowed to have books in his room. Suffice to say, his mental health declined while there instead of improving.
Upon picking him up early, his school didn't let him immediately return. They said it was finals time and he'd missed too much so he should just come back at the next term (around Thanksgiving). This meant weeks at home and retreating further into Youtube and videogames and daily battles with us for more screentime. I can't overemphasize how draining these daily battles were (and still are). We even tried it his way "if you remove ALL limits it will be less tantalizing for me and I will self-moderate." We tried that...without guardrails he'd spend 9-10 hours a day on screens! Which I get, my own screen addiction has been a constant battle.
They let him return in November for the second trimester and we are still in that term but his performance has been very poor, even as they let him drop one class to makeup over the summer. He has racked up absences and turned in almost no work and currently has two failing grades. Before winter break the school made it very clear that a massive turnaround was needed. He went into break full of ambition. He squandered it. He spent all of his time doing anything but work. We argued constantly about screen time and even when we stood firm on our limit (2 hours per day) he would find anything else to do besides work on his overdue assignments. The expectation was that he would return from break fully caught up. He did not, not even close.
We were clear then and have been clear throughout that they weren't going to let him continue in this manner. They told us that if a drastic improvement didn't happen immediately, he would have to repeat his sophomore year. That was a nonstarter for him. "I will not. I will have to quit in that case. I refuse."
We have tried SO FUCKING HARD. We've broken down every single missing assignment (there were over 50) and showed him exactly what to do, offered tutoring, offered to take him to dad's empty office on the weekends to work in peace, offered helpful apps like Photomath, he refused all of it. And the lies, oh the lies. We have caught him lying about completed work so many times. And that's what brought things to a head last week, ahead of schedule. He was supposed to have until the end of next week, the end of the term, before they lowered the boom. But they caught him lying to his advisor and learning consultant about having turned in work he hadn't turned in and they confronted him and he had a panic attack and said "ok! ok! I guess I have to quit!" and I think they were relieved and took that at face value. He didn't mean it. They told us there was nothing else they could do for him and that we were at the end.
Over the weekend he did 6 months worth of Algebra 2. He did it. For real. He said "I don't deserve another chance, but can you ask anyway?" So we went and plead his case with the powers that be yesterday. They were unmoved but we finally got them to let him take the finals, with a huge caveat that there is very little chance they will change their mind regardless of how he scores because his avoidant behavior and lack of honesty have been so persistent, and that the level of daily support they have been providing him is far beyond what they've ever done for any student at that school and just not in keeping with their standards for rigor and preserving their reputation for academic excellence. :(
I'm not sure if he is deluded about his propsects, all month he's been telling me he wants to get off all medications and drop his learning plan so he can apply for a medical waiver and try to get into USMA (West Point) which automatically disqualifies based on autism, adhd, IEPs, and related medications and supports. You can apply for an exemption, but based on his record even BEFORE he was about to be kicked out, it seems incredibly unlikely. It is bizarre to me that he is even interested. We are not a military family. He is a healthy weight, but I can't imagine he could keep up with the physical demands. He doesn't exercise daily (like we tell him to), he doesn't like to wake up early, basically everything about the military lifestyle seems counter to his nature, but that's his "thing" right now that's all he can think about.
So he's at school for the next week and a half and I need to use that time to figure out what happens next. The year we homeschooled (7th grade) was so stressful. He learned a lot, but not what I asked him to learn. I made daily work plans and he would just push them aside and watch educational videos instead on totally different topics than what we were supposed to be learning. We fought a lot. I am not sure I can try that again, but I also know he refuses to go to any other brick and mortar school. I'm also hesitant to do any kind of online school because he is SO SCREEN ADDICTED that it seems like a terrible idea. I was thinking of going old school with textbooks, worksheets, pencils and just avoiding screen-based work as much as possible. But every single day will be like pulling teeth and I'm not sure I have the emotional bandwidth for it.
The only school that *has* to take him at this point is obviously the public high school. I know he will not go.
I'm not sure what to do. And back to my original question -- are there other schools of thought besides Low Demand Lifestyle? My husband considers it a nonstarter. Even some of the "success" stories I've read for that approach don't sound like what I would consider success. There is some PDA coach I was looking at, reading her stuff, until I realized she just lets her kid on screens all day every day. That feels kind of like giving up to me, and I believe screens are the worst thing that ever happened to my family. I am forever regretful of letting a single smartphone, ipad, Switch or gaming PC into this house. I know I'm unlikely to find anti-screen allies on Reddit of all places, but...worth a shot. Are there approaches to PDA that allow you to maintain firm screen limits and have healthy expectations for a child in terms of schoolwork, hygiene, chores, employment? Or am I in denial about what living with PDA can look like?
Again, I'm sure I've offended lots of people with my post and word choices and anti-screen mentality. Mental health spaces are hard for me to navigate deftly. I'm sorry.
2024.02.08 23:00 lumberstoan Long fought road - timeline (long read)
 | Hi all, long time lurker. I’d like to in-detail go over my journey. It’s pretty dense text wise, but it is a pretty accurate accounting of how my particular claims went. I had several direct service connections, a few presumptive, and some secondaries. I was an M-day National Guard soldier, with some AD time for training (Basic, AIT, BOLC) and a deployment. Deployment was 2011-12 and my first claim was in 2017. submitted by lumberstoan to VeteransBenefits [link] [comments] Timeline: JAN17 - Tinnitus filled. AUG17 – Tinnitus granted JUN18 – Lumbar strain filled AUG18 – Lumbar Strain denied, no nexus. AUG18 – Filled NOD JAN19 – NOD confirmed denial. Pretty much gave up at this point. Then life happened, divorce, inpatient stay at a mental facility, lost job, and conditions worsening. APR-2022 – Put in an intent to file, knew nothing of the VA process. Had 10% for tinnitus, and a denied (attempted direct connection) lumbar strain. My goal this time was to apply for compensation for OSA. Diagnosed in 2021, saw it could be claimed and that was all the thought I gave it. At this time I was going to throw it at the wall and see what happened. I knew very little about the pillars of service connection. I was about to set myself up for failure. APR2022 – AUG2022: Specialty and Primary Physician visits to gather more medical evidence. I realized that I had went to urgent care and had ER visits, I set out to get all those records as well. Turns out this was great because ER and urgent care records filled the gaps in-between primary care visits. AUG2022 – PACT ACT: This is when I kicked research into overdrive. I learn what the term “presumptive” means and start deeply researching into the VA claims process. I started a Log of my symptoms. I realize that A) had I submitted OSA alone I would have gotten denied (no in service complaints nor a sleep study in-service). I spend a lot of time on the VA’s website and YouTube doing research. Random video hits my YouTube feed (good ol algorithm) “NuLife Veterans” There was good info on methods of service connection and linking together disabilities. So I pull my records and see what can be linked to what, and I came up with a game-plan. I write out what things could be linked to service and how they could be connected. Note: This is before I knew a lot about the “for profit consultants” and the shady practices out there. AUG22-JAN23 At the time I was only 10% for tinnitus, I would claim migraines secondary to that. (One thing I later learned from Civ Div, "x can cause y, but how did x cause YOUR y?" Took me a while to get my claims in order to show this.) Was initially going to file for depression/anxiety/bipolaacquired mental health disorder (picked that up from a Hill and Ponton video) as direct service connection with ED secondary. After discovering “Combat Craig” and a bunch of veteran lawyer youtube channels, I realized that all of my mental health symptoms were indicative of PTSD. I had a current diagnosis and a stronger case due to documented in-service events. (fear of hostile activity, witnessing the death of a soldier, death of close family while deployed, wife in car accident (not allowed emergency leave). I would claim sinusitis and rhinitis as presumptive. Then claim deviated septum, OSA, and GERD secondary to those. Since my insurance didn’t require referrals I made my own appointments to specialists to get my symptoms documented, medications, CT scans etc. (Building medical evidence, learned this from “The Civ Div”) During this time I discovered the “Veterans Benefits” subreddit, and my eyes were opened. I asked my primary and specialists if they would be willing to fill out a DBQ and/or write me a nexus statement. I even offered them an out-of-pocket fee. They all said no. That they did not want to deal with the government. During this time I was learning about the 3 pillars of service connection as well as the different ways of service connection. These aren’t endorsements (I would not recommend paying for any “consulting” services. I wouldn't pay for a nexus until after a denial either. I called “Nulife veterans” for a free consultation. They were quite helpful with hearing out my plan and correcting a few things (such as I did not need to pay for a nexus for presumptive conditions) But he quoted a $8900 “finder’s” fee to connect with their network of doctors + whatever the doctors charged. Said nope to that one. I signed up for Combat Craigs “boot camp” figured $100 for a year was better than 8900 and looking back, probably was helpful. (This was before I found the subreddit) Gave me a good start though. I did contact his “medical team” They wanted payment up front, and the pay scheme was confusing. I ended up getting an IMO (no DBQ) for migraines secondary to tinnitus and an IMO for PTSD. (Did not need to pay for that PTSD IMO) I think the total cost was $4,200. Knowing what I know now, I would not have done that and let the initial claim play out, since without the DBQ I would still have to go to the C&P exams. (Learned this from KMD89 (Actionable and sufficient DBQs and IMOs)← This channel is where I learned where to dig in the regulations.) I did look into other services but they all just regurgitating/re-selling stuff that I already found for free. I did not pay for any other services. I spent tons of time lurking and researching in the subreddit, and I saw that apparently since the VA wasn't going to deal with PACT Act claims until January 2023. I decided to wait until then to submit. I kept going to appointments and building evidence. I had the packet for all my stuff ready to go around late December. In JAN 2023 I submitted my claims and began the waiting game. I kept on reading the subreddit, and watching YouTube videos and reading all the VA documentation to learn more about the process. Submission, Exams, Waiting, Anxiety, Denials, Doubt, and Appeals (This section is long.) MAR23 -JUN 23 THE C&P EXAMS C&P Exams were scheduled, and attended. All of my exams were through LHI, Except for the MH which was done at the VA in-person. In the subreddit I saw that examiners were rushing through exams, I was not going to let them rush me. LHI In clinic: March2023 - Sinusitis (Pact Act) This was 1.5 hours away. This C&P examiner was very compassionate and listened to me as I explained my symptoms. At this point I knew that I needed to speak to the DBQ in order to correctly convey the severity of my symptoms. I hand carried some of the medical documents that I had already submitted to the VA that had my diagnosis highlighted. I did this to show that I had a current diagnosis. This was a good thing, as the VA hadn't sent her my file. She said, “since its for presumptives you just needed the diagnosis” and the VA has to concede the condition. She asked what other things I filed and how I had them (x secondary to y) and said that I should have a strong claim and mentioned filing a HLsupplemental if it comes back not in my favor. I took about 30 minutes in this exam. I had also claimed RHINITIS, but she told me that VA had only asked for an opinion on the sinusitis. This ended up turning into a DTA error. LHI In clinic: April 2023 - X-ray, Sinuses,paranasal, complete, minimum 3v The VA made me go get xrays, even though I submitted CT scans. The Xray tech was confused by this since the CT was better at finding sinus issues. She said nothing is going to show up on this xray. I also hand carried my treatment notes to this as well, the tech looked them over found in my diagnosis, highlighted it scanned and faxed it to the VA with the results of the Xray. (Confirmed by getting my cfile.) She also asked if I had a VSO. I had the DAV (they never responded to anything from me) and she said “yeah that’s normal unless you’re a donor.” She printed off a list of the state’s VSO and highlighted the ones for my county. I changed over to them when I got home. The county VSO respond to my emails in a timely manner (next day), and actually do the VBMS look-ups of things when I ask. This exam was an hour wait, xrays took 15 minutes. LHI In clinic: June 2023 - GERD, HEADACHES, DBQ MALE REPRODUCTIVE SYSTEM CONDITIONS, DBQ SLEEP APNEA (Secondaries) This exam was my worst one. The examiner had a joking jovial attitude and would get off track. I ended up reporting this guy. Since I didn't have a formal diagnosis for ED, he did not want to provide an opinion. I even brought my post-deployment assessment where my ex-wife went to the VA with me and ED was one of things addressed. (Didn't want to argue with him that he could have provided one.) I took my gerd tracker and migraine logs with me to this one as well as all of my OSA paperwork. I had the diagnosis highlighted on each document and pointed it out to him and provided my symptoms. He would say “Yup looks good, what do you have next?” When I was talking about my gerd he interrupted me and his literal statement was “wow you have very good logs of this, so you’re on the toilet throwing up and you whip out your phone to track it?” No, I track it afterwards. WTF. He then started to go off on a tangent about his family and other things. I did not engage, I kept bringing it back to my symptoms and issues. This exam was about 40 minutes. (These were all secondaries, and I should have withdrawn these from the claim and gotten my own IMO.) Once I got my cfile I saw that every condition was denied, but he failed to give a rationale. Just “there’s no medical research suggesting these things are related…” So the VA sent it out for a second opinion, which also said least as likely as not. VA In-person: June2023 – MH/PTSD (Direct) When I was called for scheduling for this exam they asked if I wanted to do tele-health or in person. I chose in-person, my game plan was to have my wife come in and help me advocate from myself. She had already written a sworn statement (as had I) and I was able to get one from my ex-wife as well. My spouse drove us there, and when I was called in I asked if she could come with me, and the VA Dr. said of course. He didn't go down the DQB he just asked general questions, and he said he had reviewed all of our statements and was genuine in his concern. He spoke to both of us and there were parts where I was in tears and he didn’t press any further. My spouse was able to add my struggles from her perspective as well. This exam lasted about 45 minutes. June2023 - Sep2023 The Wait begins. During this phase I just kept reading the subreddit and checked va.gov 3 times a day. [6am/12pm/6pm] July 2023 VA orders ACE Exam from LHI for gerd, OSA, migraines, and ED, all filed as secondaries. FOIA request for entire claims file. Aug 2023 Partial Rating 30% Sinusitis/70% PTSD (Now at 80% Overall up from 10%) – Denied: ED, Denied:,rhinitis (how?), Denied:,deviated septum VA Deferred: Migraines, GERD, OSA. VA said I didn't have a diagnosis for rhinitis, I had 3 different ones in the records I submitted. They also got the effective date wrong for sinusitis. They used date of the claim vs my diagnosis date, PACT Act date, or ITF date. (I was not surprised at all by this, from researching in the subreddit.) Same day as I got the letter off VA.gov, I filed HLR for SC for rhinitis, fix effective date for sinusitis. Made an informal HLR worksheet so I could stay on topic and address the issues. (Got the idea from KMD89.) 22SEP23 - Deferred Items rated / Claim closed Migraines – denied. – (while they did cite the IMO I submitted in the evidence, but it was not mentioned in the rating decision [eg 3rd party more persuasive etc.]) OSA – denied. GERD – denied. Figured as much, but I was expecting this outcome based on the subreddit and how the VA was ignoring evidence etc. (Once I had my C-File I saw they were denied with the same “No medical research to suggest x causes y...”) 22SEP23 Scheduled an in-person VERA meeting at the RO to get printed results of 3rd party exams. 22SEP23 Contacted Prestige Medical for DBQ/Nexus for denied secondary conditions. 27SEP23 – Submitted HLR for Migraines. 28SEP23 – In-person Vera at RO to get 3rd party exam DBQ/IMO. Went to the RO, they would not print or burn anything. I did show up with an already filled out FOIA so they accepted that and entered it for me. The lady said they “should” mail me the C&Ps in about a month or so. LOL It was peak government employees, about 3-4 people came from the woodwork: “Oh you need a FOIA, that’s a FOIA.” They were not at all willing to work with me. My county VSO mentioned that she didn't have print permissions either. 29SEP23 – Submitted new claim for skin conditions, Asthma, and scars from an accident on deployment. 30SEP23 - Filed a supplemental claim for denied secondary conditions using Prestige Veteran Medical Nexus/DBQ as new and relevant evidence. (OSA, GERD) October 2023 18OCT23 - Migraines Denied in HLR. Said my original IMO (Combat Craig’s “Team”) was not substantiated. “The rationale was that your headaches can be triggered by tinnitus. Also, he submitted medical articles about an association/comorbidity between migraines and tinnitus. Comorbidity or an association is not evidence of causation. The medical opinion is not adequate for rating purposes because there is no satisfactory rationale.” Which is funny because the C&P examiner didn’t write that anywhere in the DBQ/opinion. 18OCT23 Submitted Supplemental for Migraines with Prestige Veteran Medical Nexus/DBQ. HLR Informal Conference 18OCT23 VA failed to see the diagnosis in records, and as such that C&P exam was never ordered. Pointed out in my records where it was for the DRO and she found it and said yup, and this also confirms the earlier date for sinusitis (which for me was the difference between 70% and 80%.) So she said I would be re-scheduled for a rhinitis exam only. Sounds like from their end the VA considers anything within a year “current.” I pressed her more on this. According to the DRO C&P exams expire after a year? So if you had an exam in June 2022, but notification in August 2022, You can appeal to the next August 2023, but after the next June 2023 it seems like they are going to order more exams. I asked her what the timeline was for completion, she said she has 3 days to submit her findings then promulgation has 5 days to adjudicate. Informal Conference Worksheet 25OCT23 - VES schedules exams for 2 out of 3 claims in my new claim. VA did not schedule me for skin conditions C&P even though I am covered under 3.317. Sent in a 21-4138 stating as such. 02NOV23 – C&P with VES for 2 new contentions, asthma and scars. Examiner showed me his PC verifying that he got my evidence from the VA. We went line by line in the DBQ and I watched him fill it out. 9AM CST – 930CST. 04NOV23 - VA scheduled an ACE exam for Migraines on with VES. (I submitted a DBQ and IMO for this supplemental claim from Prestige.) I actually did get a call from this C&P examiner. Phone call was about 5 minutes. (Got my cfile before this was decided, this examiner provided a positive opinion. And cited the studies I sent in with my Prestige DBQ/IMO.) 07NOV2023 - Asthma, scars, and skin condition claim went PFD. 01DEC23 – VERA call with DROC at St. Petersburg office. HLR is RFD (Ready for decision) with a second rater, has a suspense of 15DEC23. She confirmed the DTA error. I asked if she could give me the suspense on my supplemental claims and she was able to, and tell me which RO they were at. 06DEC23 – Supplemental claims suspense all at Montgomery/Nashville RO. (Passed with no action.) 07DEC23 – September claim suspense, also at Montgomery RO. (Passed with no action.) 15DEC23 – HLR DTA suspense. FOIA from JUL23 Completed! JAN2024 05JAN24 - 1 year since submission. (Sleep Apnea, GERD, Migraines) 09JAN24 – Cfile arrived! Immediately found an error. My Section 1117/1119 memos did not include my time in Kuwait. Let my VSO know and set up a VERA call. 10JAN24 – Contacted Prestige for a DBQ/IMO for ED. 16JAN24 – Got completed DBQ/IMO. 17JAN24 – Submitted supplemental claim for ED 2nd to PTSD via quick submit. 22JAN24 – Vera call to update Section 1117/1119 memos. Vera also informed me that all my claims no longer have suspense dates and no pending actions. 23JAN24- Dependency claim from Aug2023 went PFN and dependents now show as “on award.” 24JAN24 – Backpay from Dependency claim. 24JAN24- Temp Jurisdiction: Winston-Salem for “new” claim. 30JAN24 – September initial claim (skin, asthma, scars) went PDA. There’s also a request for an exam. Asked VSO to see if she can tell me what the exam request was for. 31JAN24 – I can see a pending exam in the VES portal. Went PFN on scaasthma/skin claim. Went back to PFD/PDA/PFN/EG/PDA with the Winston-Salem temp jurisdiction. FEB2024 02FEB24 - Claim went back to PDA 07FEB24 – Claim went PFN! They also decided all 3 of my supplemental claims (migraines, gerd, ED, OSA) All were granted. 08FEB24 - Backpay. This subreddit was a primary factor in helping me shape how I approached the claims process. TLDR: Strong medical evidence, a good strategy (Presumptives and direct connections first then secondaries, or all at once depending on your evidence), give them what they need, know the claims process and be prepared for a loooooong wait. Get knowledge. Get your C-File! Learn the relevant parts of the 38 CFR, be familiar with the M21. There’s a lot of advocating for yourself and not letting the process bully you. |
2024.02.06 04:39 Army_Bot Summary For: Weekly Question Thread (01/29/2024 to 02/04/2024)
Is joining the military prior to law school really beneficial?
Long story short, my end goal is to go to law school but I am considering joining the army for 3 years prior to going to law school.I am about to graduate from undergrad and have been considering joining the army as a Paralegal Specialist (27D). I would like to work in the legal field as well as save up some money before furthering my education, and the military seems to be a good fit in multiple aspects but I am still unsure whether or not I want to dedicate 3 years of my life to the military.
I am not worried about basic training, long hours, or the general difficulties that come with being in the army but I want to make sure that it will be worth it for me to commit 3 years of my life (particularly financially).
I am aware that the military will help pay for my law school, but cannot find exactly how much they will contribute. (I have no interest in working for the army upon law school graduation so I don't believe I would be eligible for programs like FLEP) Could anyone give me a better idea of how much I would receive?
I have also read that being in the military can be beneficial to ones resume and law school application, but is this really the case?
Finally, is prior experience as a paralegal necessary? (I have completed two 6month internships in law firms but was never trained as a paralegal)
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Like some of the names are cool, 101st Airborne, 10th mountain. But why do they have those numbers, like was there 9 other mountain units? 100 other airbornes???
And then some units I see then refered to as like 1/8 or 2/4 like what is even that.
In 🇨🇦 our units all have their own, conventional names mostly, with some units having multiple battalions within those units. Examples?
-Kings Own Rifles
-Royal Canadian Regiment
-Toronto Scottish Regiment
-Argyll and Sutherland Highlanders
-Black Watch of Canada
-Loyal Edmonton Regiment
You know, cool stuff. But then many units are just "Xth Infantry Division". What gives? Why don't you guys get cool names.
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Is it something you can enlist into right away? Or is it better to do something else first?
I see that it is a special operations force, so is there more intense training or tasks that need to be done for the respective MOS?
I'm also older, so would it make sense to bother trying or not?
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My GT is 117, my ST is 112, and my EL is 109
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1) How many total hours does Ft Huachuca require to earn the MOVSM? I' aware it depends on the specific BN, but examples you know of are helpful. I'm a few dozen hours short of my required 100 hours for the Military Outstanding Volunteer Service Medal at DLI in Monterey. I was told I can carry those hours with me to AIT at Ft Huachuca if they're logged properly on VIMS. If the total is around 500, I'm better off running myself ragged these next 2 weeks to get to 100. But if it's 200 or even 300, I may just find ways to get/stay active while at AIT in Arizona. Any words of wisdom/warning about Ft H are welcome: Perhaps the options for volunteering are scant, or that my DLI hours will not in fact transfer over, or AIT restrictions make volunteering an uphill battle, etc.
2) What certification/affadavit/form should I obtain in place of the DD-214 while still at AIT? I am a Reservist so I will start job-hunting soon after I get settled in at AIT. I found an online resource at Service Members Civil Relief Act -dot-com but it costs $40. Is there something I can get from my current Company or Battalion for free, and faster?
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Not to mention finding someone to watch our kids who have behavioral/separation issues, being in Hawaii so don't really have anyone who can just suddenly fly out to watch them for over a week. It's all fucked.
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I am prior service 35S and did at one point hold a TS/SCI. I am attempting to get back for the same MOS. Will this prevent me from getting a TS/SCI?
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So, here's my issue, I've got relevant experience as a combat medic and I served with the 75th Ranger Regiment. You feel like that'd be enough, but I still seem to be missing a ton of personal protection detail or overseas experience. With a lack of experience in these areas I'm disqualified from almost every position you could imagine. So how does one get experience in these areas without reenlisting? I'm honestly at a loss and it feels like all my training and security clearances are for nothing.
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I'm at a point where I really need some advice about my career,
I'm 29 and just got my green card.
Got a bachelor's in Business Analytics and ran a business for over 5 years back in my home country.
Took the ASVAB last week and scored 91. My recruiter thinks it's a great score yet I'm not sure is it just sales talk
But, not being a citizen yet, I can't be an officer or get into many jobs that need security clearance.
The jobs I can get in the Army don't really seem to use my business skills or experience much, and most of them only require about 50 asvab score, make me feel even worse about it
I'm thinking about joining overall, but I'm not sure if it's the right move, especially at 29. I'm older than most people who start in the Army. I'm wondering how this might affect things like fitting in and moving up. Also, I'm trying to figure out if there are any Army jobs where I can use my business and analytics skills, you know, as a "foreigner".
And a seperate but related question: does MOS really matter if choose reserve?
If anyone has been in a similar spot or knows about using civilian skills in the Army, I'd really like to hear your thoughts. Your advice could really help me out with this big decision. Thanks a lot!
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I talked to my recruiter the other day about enlisting as a 68W with a Option 40. We looked at the contacts available and there were none with a Option 40. Im wondering if I should wait for one to pop up or just enlist and hope to get a slot in basic or get a packet in. AFQT score is a 83.
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I’m a 23F and I’m studying for the ASVAB to get a medical MOS while I’m in the guard to help me pay for nursing school. Obviously 68C is the most realistic option, but what are the other Medical MOS’s that would benefit me? I’m trying to get my BSN and my MSN in the future, so I want to see if there are other options I could look into.
Thanks in advance
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2024.02.06 04:39 Army_Bot Summary For: Weekly Question Thread (01/29/2024 to 02/04/2024)
Is joining the military prior to law school really beneficial?
Long story short, my end goal is to go to law school but I am considering joining the army for 3 years prior to going to law school.I am about to graduate from undergrad and have been considering joining the army as a Paralegal Specialist (27D). I would like to work in the legal field as well as save up some money before furthering my education, and the military seems to be a good fit in multiple aspects but I am still unsure whether or not I want to dedicate 3 years of my life to the military.
I am not worried about basic training, long hours, or the general difficulties that come with being in the army but I want to make sure that it will be worth it for me to commit 3 years of my life (particularly financially).
I am aware that the military will help pay for my law school, but cannot find exactly how much they will contribute. (I have no interest in working for the army upon law school graduation so I don't believe I would be eligible for programs like FLEP) Could anyone give me a better idea of how much I would receive?
I have also read that being in the military can be beneficial to ones resume and law school application, but is this really the case?
Finally, is prior experience as a paralegal necessary? (I have completed two 6month internships in law firms but was never trained as a paralegal)
Link to Comment Chain
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Like some of the names are cool, 101st Airborne, 10th mountain. But why do they have those numbers, like was there 9 other mountain units? 100 other airbornes???
And then some units I see then refered to as like 1/8 or 2/4 like what is even that.
In 🇨🇦 our units all have their own, conventional names mostly, with some units having multiple battalions within those units. Examples?
-Kings Own Rifles
-Royal Canadian Regiment
-Toronto Scottish Regiment
-Argyll and Sutherland Highlanders
-Black Watch of Canada
-Loyal Edmonton Regiment
You know, cool stuff. But then many units are just "Xth Infantry Division". What gives? Why don't you guys get cool names.
Link to Comment Chain
Is it something you can enlist into right away? Or is it better to do something else first?
I see that it is a special operations force, so is there more intense training or tasks that need to be done for the respective MOS?
I'm also older, so would it make sense to bother trying or not?
Link to Comment Chain
My GT is 117, my ST is 112, and my EL is 109
Link to Comment Chain
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Link to Comment Chain
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Link to Comment Chain
Link to Comment Chain
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1) How many total hours does Ft Huachuca require to earn the MOVSM? I' aware it depends on the specific BN, but examples you know of are helpful. I'm a few dozen hours short of my required 100 hours for the Military Outstanding Volunteer Service Medal at DLI in Monterey. I was told I can carry those hours with me to AIT at Ft Huachuca if they're logged properly on VIMS. If the total is around 500, I'm better off running myself ragged these next 2 weeks to get to 100. But if it's 200 or even 300, I may just find ways to get/stay active while at AIT in Arizona. Any words of wisdom/warning about Ft H are welcome: Perhaps the options for volunteering are scant, or that my DLI hours will not in fact transfer over, or AIT restrictions make volunteering an uphill battle, etc.
2) What certification/affadavit/form should I obtain in place of the DD-214 while still at AIT? I am a Reservist so I will start job-hunting soon after I get settled in at AIT. I found an online resource at Service Members Civil Relief Act -dot-com but it costs $40. Is there something I can get from my current Company or Battalion for free, and faster?
Link to Comment Chain
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Not to mention finding someone to watch our kids who have behavioral/separation issues, being in Hawaii so don't really have anyone who can just suddenly fly out to watch them for over a week. It's all fucked.
Link to Comment Chain
I am prior service 35S and did at one point hold a TS/SCI. I am attempting to get back for the same MOS. Will this prevent me from getting a TS/SCI?
Link to Comment Chain
Link to Comment Chain
So, here's my issue, I've got relevant experience as a combat medic and I served with the 75th Ranger Regiment. You feel like that'd be enough, but I still seem to be missing a ton of personal protection detail or overseas experience. With a lack of experience in these areas I'm disqualified from almost every position you could imagine. So how does one get experience in these areas without reenlisting? I'm honestly at a loss and it feels like all my training and security clearances are for nothing.
Link to Comment Chain
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I'm at a point where I really need some advice about my career,
I'm 29 and just got my green card.
Got a bachelor's in Business Analytics and ran a business for over 5 years back in my home country.
Took the ASVAB last week and scored 91. My recruiter thinks it's a great score yet I'm not sure is it just sales talk
But, not being a citizen yet, I can't be an officer or get into many jobs that need security clearance.
The jobs I can get in the Army don't really seem to use my business skills or experience much, and most of them only require about 50 asvab score, make me feel even worse about it
I'm thinking about joining overall, but I'm not sure if it's the right move, especially at 29. I'm older than most people who start in the Army. I'm wondering how this might affect things like fitting in and moving up. Also, I'm trying to figure out if there are any Army jobs where I can use my business and analytics skills, you know, as a "foreigner".
And a seperate but related question: does MOS really matter if choose reserve?
If anyone has been in a similar spot or knows about using civilian skills in the Army, I'd really like to hear your thoughts. Your advice could really help me out with this big decision. Thanks a lot!
Link to Comment Chain
I talked to my recruiter the other day about enlisting as a 68W with a Option 40. We looked at the contacts available and there were none with a Option 40. Im wondering if I should wait for one to pop up or just enlist and hope to get a slot in basic or get a packet in. AFQT score is a 83.
Link to Comment Chain
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I’m a 23F and I’m studying for the ASVAB to get a medical MOS while I’m in the guard to help me pay for nursing school. Obviously 68C is the most realistic option, but what are the other Medical MOS’s that would benefit me? I’m trying to get my BSN and my MSN in the future, so I want to see if there are other options I could look into.
Thanks in advance
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2024.02.03 18:59 mentorofminos Is it possible to have EDS without hypermobility?
I recently watched a video by the YouTuber Ponderful wherein she linked to a diagnostic worksheet for EDS. The first category of that worksheet is the classic hypermobility check sheet, and I don't have any hypermobility at all. However, I have nearly all of the symptoms she describes in her anecdotes about her own personal struggle with her illness (which I'll list in a second) as well as some of the technical medical things listed on the EDS diagnostic sheet like bilateral papules on my heels; had no idea what those were called so thanks for that I guess lol
So I have autism, ADHD, pretty extensive stretchmarks on my upper arms, stomach, and back. I had a childhood history of pretty severe constipation and gastric weirdness though that has dissipated in my adulthood (however, I eat plant-based whole foods, so I don't know if my quite high-fiber diet may be masking gastric motility issues???). While I do not myself have a history of subluxations or dislocations, my mother dislocated her knees numerous times in adolescence. I have always had difficulty doing things like sitting in one place, not because of hyperactivity but because of somatic pain in my back or chest or progressive numbness in my extremities. I often wake up with arms that feel "dead" from having gone numb in my sleep.
I used to get horrible headaches that would come from nowhere and be nearly or completely debilitating for several days. I tracked that down to being tied to a combination of white flour and caffeine by doing an elimination diet. I've stopped eating that and am fine. I don't think it's a gluten sensitivity because I handle oats, whole wheat, etc. with no problems, it's just the processed stuff that sets me off. Caffeine more specifically gives me visual-field migraines where it looks like the edges of my vision are colorized version of old school CRT television screen static or "snow".
I currently work a desk job where I'm planning on a computer all day and it murders me to sit. I have bilateral IT band pain that has persisted for over a year. I have had the feeling of pressure on my chest (I've had EKGs and evaluations for asthma, etc. etc. and everything is normal) for at least 8 years now and only EXTENSIVE back-opening stretches in yoga help alleviate it.
I have very fair skin. My partner tells me I have very soft skin, and I have noticed my skin tends to peel or tear relatively easily, but I don't have the kind of scarring that is typical with EDS. Indeed, I have a nasty scar on my right knee from a bike accident when I was a child and it is the textbook definition of a hypertrophic scar.
I had asthma as a child, not sure if that is at all significant. I guess I technically still have it as I will develop asthmatic bronchitis if I get a severe chest cold, but I need an inhaler maybe twice a decade or so at this point in my life.
I just seem to be experiencing pronouncedly higher levels of feeling somatically aged (arthritis in both of my big toes, cracking and popping knees and ankles since I was like... 15...I sound like an octogenarian (no offense to any of you out there)). I'm trying to figure out what in the world could be the matter with me as I am at the same time capable of weightlifting and working out rigorously with no apparent sign of POTS or anything like that. Like I deadlift 315, bench press 245 (not breaking any records but my point is I'm able-bodied for the most part).
I'm currently 41, biologically male, and 6'4". Is there any other information that could be useful here? Is EDS one of those things like autism and ADHD that sometimes you just sort of have to self-diagnose? Is it possible to have it without the hypermobility? Or are there closely related connective tissue disorders that maybe might fit? I figure the medical community so frequently overlooks people with conditions like this where it's a constellations of symptoms that often get waived away by physicians as "just in your head" or "you're just not exercising enough" or what have you, so maybe other people have found rabbit holes to dive down to get more info. If you're out there and reading this, first of all, I'm so sorry for the lifetime of pain and gaslighting you've endured, and second of all, if you'd be willing to share some information, I would deeply appreciate the assistance, my beloved brothers, sisters, and gender-divergent siblings <3
Edit: Oh, I also developed varicose veins in my early 30's and while I don't have POTS, even when I was an NCAA athlete in college and in phenomenal physical shape, I would have an elevated heartrate and heavy breathing going up a flight or two of stairs. I've always found that weird. Also had really bad sleep apnea to the point of having to have surgery to correct it.
Oh! And now that I think of it, I have had a spider vein on my left calf just below the knee joint since I was like.....14.
submitted by mentorofminos to eds [link] [comments]
So I have autism, ADHD, pretty extensive stretchmarks on my upper arms, stomach, and back. I had a childhood history of pretty severe constipation and gastric weirdness though that has dissipated in my adulthood (however, I eat plant-based whole foods, so I don't know if my quite high-fiber diet may be masking gastric motility issues???). While I do not myself have a history of subluxations or dislocations, my mother dislocated her knees numerous times in adolescence. I have always had difficulty doing things like sitting in one place, not because of hyperactivity but because of somatic pain in my back or chest or progressive numbness in my extremities. I often wake up with arms that feel "dead" from having gone numb in my sleep.
I used to get horrible headaches that would come from nowhere and be nearly or completely debilitating for several days. I tracked that down to being tied to a combination of white flour and caffeine by doing an elimination diet. I've stopped eating that and am fine. I don't think it's a gluten sensitivity because I handle oats, whole wheat, etc. with no problems, it's just the processed stuff that sets me off. Caffeine more specifically gives me visual-field migraines where it looks like the edges of my vision are colorized version of old school CRT television screen static or "snow".
I currently work a desk job where I'm planning on a computer all day and it murders me to sit. I have bilateral IT band pain that has persisted for over a year. I have had the feeling of pressure on my chest (I've had EKGs and evaluations for asthma, etc. etc. and everything is normal) for at least 8 years now and only EXTENSIVE back-opening stretches in yoga help alleviate it.
I have very fair skin. My partner tells me I have very soft skin, and I have noticed my skin tends to peel or tear relatively easily, but I don't have the kind of scarring that is typical with EDS. Indeed, I have a nasty scar on my right knee from a bike accident when I was a child and it is the textbook definition of a hypertrophic scar.
I had asthma as a child, not sure if that is at all significant. I guess I technically still have it as I will develop asthmatic bronchitis if I get a severe chest cold, but I need an inhaler maybe twice a decade or so at this point in my life.
I just seem to be experiencing pronouncedly higher levels of feeling somatically aged (arthritis in both of my big toes, cracking and popping knees and ankles since I was like... 15...I sound like an octogenarian (no offense to any of you out there)). I'm trying to figure out what in the world could be the matter with me as I am at the same time capable of weightlifting and working out rigorously with no apparent sign of POTS or anything like that. Like I deadlift 315, bench press 245 (not breaking any records but my point is I'm able-bodied for the most part).
I'm currently 41, biologically male, and 6'4". Is there any other information that could be useful here? Is EDS one of those things like autism and ADHD that sometimes you just sort of have to self-diagnose? Is it possible to have it without the hypermobility? Or are there closely related connective tissue disorders that maybe might fit? I figure the medical community so frequently overlooks people with conditions like this where it's a constellations of symptoms that often get waived away by physicians as "just in your head" or "you're just not exercising enough" or what have you, so maybe other people have found rabbit holes to dive down to get more info. If you're out there and reading this, first of all, I'm so sorry for the lifetime of pain and gaslighting you've endured, and second of all, if you'd be willing to share some information, I would deeply appreciate the assistance, my beloved brothers, sisters, and gender-divergent siblings <3
Edit: Oh, I also developed varicose veins in my early 30's and while I don't have POTS, even when I was an NCAA athlete in college and in phenomenal physical shape, I would have an elevated heartrate and heavy breathing going up a flight or two of stairs. I've always found that weird. Also had really bad sleep apnea to the point of having to have surgery to correct it.
Oh! And now that I think of it, I have had a spider vein on my left calf just below the knee joint since I was like.....14.
2023.09.30 21:57 Hummerous 2 tipes ov peepl
 | submitted by Hummerous to CuratedTumblr [link] [comments] |
2023.03.04 03:11 Successful-Dare3964 Meps yesterday
Had high bp at meps yesterday got put on a 2 bp within 5 days also he said I was DQ for asthma but when went down to them liaison office and gave them the worksheet and told them i was DQ for asthma they told me they don’t see me DQ for asthma but only for bp and I need to get this sheet filled out my asthma had already been cleared prior to coming to meps so why would the doctor tell me I’m DQ for one thing then nobody can see it not even my recruiter
submitted by Successful-Dare3964 to AirForceRecruits [link] [comments]
2023.01.21 23:03 californiagamer Cannot figure out how to set up this medication math problem
This is a question for a medication math practice worksheet for nursing school. I've been doing fine on all the other questions until this last question. I am completely stumped on it. I attempted a couple of times but I just can't even figure out how I'm supposed to set up this problem. Math is not my strongest subject, so sorry if this is a dumb question but I just can't figure it out. The correct answer to this question that was given is 0.38, I just cant figure out how to get there. I show a couple of my attempts in the image (#20 - ignore #18 and #19).
A 36-year-old female with a long-standing history of Asthma is admitted to your unit. She weighs 65 kg. The patient has now been on an aminophylline drip for 24 hours at a rate of 12.5 mL/hr. A theophylline level has been drawn and is low at 5. You note in consulting your drug book that the recommended dose for amiophylline is 0.5 mg/kg/hr. What mg/kg/hr dose is your patient receiving? The drug concentration is 1 gram in 500 mL D5W. Provide your answer to the hundredths.
Correct answer = 0.38.
https://preview.redd.it/35iqcoyfygda1.png?width=700&format=png&auto=webp&s=21ad252559863c1dbdde414092cfd2e1aa351d9d
submitted by californiagamer to askmath [link] [comments]
A 36-year-old female with a long-standing history of Asthma is admitted to your unit. She weighs 65 kg. The patient has now been on an aminophylline drip for 24 hours at a rate of 12.5 mL/hr. A theophylline level has been drawn and is low at 5. You note in consulting your drug book that the recommended dose for amiophylline is 0.5 mg/kg/hr. What mg/kg/hr dose is your patient receiving? The drug concentration is 1 gram in 500 mL D5W. Provide your answer to the hundredths.
Correct answer = 0.38.
https://preview.redd.it/35iqcoyfygda1.png?width=700&format=png&auto=webp&s=21ad252559863c1dbdde414092cfd2e1aa351d9d
2022.06.06 22:39 WakkaWakka1986 Please Help Me Determine...
First and foremost, I'm a 35 y/o Male. Sorry for the new account, I want to stay anonymous for this...
During the beginning of 2020 I woke up one morning feeling like I was at high altitude and a pressure on my chest. It was so strange because it was like a light switch turned on, no gradual ramp up to that feeling, as soon as I woke up. I know my oxygen levels were fine since I wasn't light headed, didn't have the blue lips, etc...but it "felt" like I was at high altitude, like I couldn't get a satisfying breath if that makes any sense (you know that great feeling after taking a deep breath? THAT feeling, it felt like I was chasing that feeling but could never achieve it!). This has lasted from around Feb-2020 to now. I grew depressed so I eventually stopped working out and gained like 10-15 lbs that first year because I felt so defeated. A slight tension in my chest as well as very slight pains have surfaced from time to time as well during this. It has been getting better slowly with time, but it is clearly still there. Id say its at 1/4th the intensity it was when it first started. Not enough to COMPLETELY ruin my day, but enough to annoy the living F*** out of me.
Also, it's relevant to point out that towards the end of that same year I had started to feel a slight choking feeling just below my jaw. This was further evident while at the dentist because I noticed when I put my head back it was harder for me to breath through my nose. This persisted for a few months, causing me to sleep on my side. I would write this off as sleep apnea, but since it occurred all day, and sometimes disappeared/lessened, I wrote that off. It has now subsided and only reoccurs at a fraction of the intensity, if at all. 🤷♂️
Anyway, the doctor ran some tests, we canceled out Covid and then they tried some BS anxiety worksheet to go through. I say BS because when I tried to fill it out, the questions didn't seem to really apply to me. Now my Doctor is recommending I go see a respiratory doctor to run some tests to rule out Asthma. He even gave me an inhaler to try out, which has done nothing. I definitely do not believe it's Asthma, but I'm going through with this test in a week to finally rule it out so I can get my doctor to do his damn job. This whole ordeal has been incredibly draining on me mainly due to the fact that these events/feelings are almost indescribable, thus harder to pinpoint and find a resolution.
With that said, I'm now starting to suspect that I may have a type of chronic anxiety and this is the way it is manifesting. For the record, I have had slight social anxiety to an extent most of my life but it was NEVER anything like this before. Usually it was getting the slight nervous shakes, fast heart beat, slight confused thinking, and sweaty palms (sweaty in general, so much so that I was diagnosed with hyperhidrosis) and now as I work at home I don't really interact with many people anymore which I'm sure doesn’t help. I try to go outside and bike when I can to get some exercise now, which sorta helps, but the issues still remain.
My confusion came from the duration, like it's just not letting up. It will last consistently for months, then be gone one day, then come back the next day and last weeks, etc etc. I have never felt this weird or imbalanced before, so this as well as a few other indicators are leading me to believe that this is anxiety.
Please help. Thank you! 🙏
EDIT: I don't expect a doctor level response, Basically I'm wondering if these sound familiar to any of you and if I'm right in my suspicions.
submitted by WakkaWakka1986 to Anxiety [link] [comments]
During the beginning of 2020 I woke up one morning feeling like I was at high altitude and a pressure on my chest. It was so strange because it was like a light switch turned on, no gradual ramp up to that feeling, as soon as I woke up. I know my oxygen levels were fine since I wasn't light headed, didn't have the blue lips, etc...but it "felt" like I was at high altitude, like I couldn't get a satisfying breath if that makes any sense (you know that great feeling after taking a deep breath? THAT feeling, it felt like I was chasing that feeling but could never achieve it!). This has lasted from around Feb-2020 to now. I grew depressed so I eventually stopped working out and gained like 10-15 lbs that first year because I felt so defeated. A slight tension in my chest as well as very slight pains have surfaced from time to time as well during this. It has been getting better slowly with time, but it is clearly still there. Id say its at 1/4th the intensity it was when it first started. Not enough to COMPLETELY ruin my day, but enough to annoy the living F*** out of me.
Also, it's relevant to point out that towards the end of that same year I had started to feel a slight choking feeling just below my jaw. This was further evident while at the dentist because I noticed when I put my head back it was harder for me to breath through my nose. This persisted for a few months, causing me to sleep on my side. I would write this off as sleep apnea, but since it occurred all day, and sometimes disappeared/lessened, I wrote that off. It has now subsided and only reoccurs at a fraction of the intensity, if at all. 🤷♂️
Anyway, the doctor ran some tests, we canceled out Covid and then they tried some BS anxiety worksheet to go through. I say BS because when I tried to fill it out, the questions didn't seem to really apply to me. Now my Doctor is recommending I go see a respiratory doctor to run some tests to rule out Asthma. He even gave me an inhaler to try out, which has done nothing. I definitely do not believe it's Asthma, but I'm going through with this test in a week to finally rule it out so I can get my doctor to do his damn job. This whole ordeal has been incredibly draining on me mainly due to the fact that these events/feelings are almost indescribable, thus harder to pinpoint and find a resolution.
With that said, I'm now starting to suspect that I may have a type of chronic anxiety and this is the way it is manifesting. For the record, I have had slight social anxiety to an extent most of my life but it was NEVER anything like this before. Usually it was getting the slight nervous shakes, fast heart beat, slight confused thinking, and sweaty palms (sweaty in general, so much so that I was diagnosed with hyperhidrosis) and now as I work at home I don't really interact with many people anymore which I'm sure doesn’t help. I try to go outside and bike when I can to get some exercise now, which sorta helps, but the issues still remain.
My confusion came from the duration, like it's just not letting up. It will last consistently for months, then be gone one day, then come back the next day and last weeks, etc etc. I have never felt this weird or imbalanced before, so this as well as a few other indicators are leading me to believe that this is anxiety.
Please help. Thank you! 🙏
EDIT: I don't expect a doctor level response, Basically I'm wondering if these sound familiar to any of you and if I'm right in my suspicions.
2022.01.18 02:48 OneDayBigBrain Steven Universe
When I was 12, a lot was going on. Mom and dad were fighting a lot, but she's too much of a coward to leave him and would rather risk my safety to stay in the comforting arms of an angry man, just like she did with my brothers' druggie dad in the 90s. I had been suspicious that I was autistic for about a year, but hadn't learned I was right yet. I was in an abusive Special Education program at school because of that autism, learning all sorts of awful lessons like "my body isn't mine, my boundaries don't matter, I have to do things the same way that everybody else does" instead of getting an actual education. And... oh, yeah! I watched a lot of Steven Universe.
The show finished a little under a year ago now, and I'm 18. The story is that it's there's this race of aliens called Gems. And it's about this half-gem half-human boy Steven and his family, learning how to use his gem powers and defending the earth from other gems who wanna destroy it. It's super cute and teaches a lot of good messages about identity, dealing with anxiety, mental health, love, and just... being a person.
The last season was kind of a dumpster-fire, writing-wise. But the general idea was that after all of Steven's world-saving shenanigans wrapped up in season 5, it left him with PTSD and trauma to deal with now in the last season (Steven Universe: Future) and I've been thinking about the scene where he first discovered this a lot. And the way it feels so... accurate to what I'm dealing with, now.
Here it is, if you're wondering: https://youtu.be/gKyyNgqjUXQ
The way that it's just a clip-show of everything that happened in the main series beforehand and it's all just... playing out behind him so quickly resonates with me a lot now? I think back to when I was 12 and first started watching this show back during season three, and how a lot of the traumatic stuff I think about daily now had already happened then.
-The adults forced me to look them in the eyes when we spoke, even though it burned me? It was so uncomfortable that I'd just bust out cackling from the sensation, but they'd force me to do it anyway.
-A lot of people got mad at me all the time for eating my favorite foods over and over.
-Nobody would really ever let me use my body the way I wanted? You know, like flapping my hands around when I got happy and stuff. When I was little, they'd always make me change it to clapping instead, and I just complied because I was basically a toddler. My classmates bullied me for it, too. And I was always getting pulled out of class for way too much physical therapy, every little nuance of how I did anything from holding a pencil to running around to typing was under constant scrutiny and study! It could never be the way that worked for me-- instead, I had to learn the "proper" ways. And these services weren't gonna stop until I was perfectly normal-- more perfect than I bet MOST normal people are when they do these things.
-I have some health issues on top of autism. Asthma, heart murmur, low muscle tone, etc. Nothing too serious, but a lot of them. And instead of just cutting me some slack during PE and letting me take breaks as needed, the school thought it'd be better to just leave me sitting out on the bleachers by myself. Watching everybody else have fun almost daily. Without even telling me why. For almost nine years.
-I kept asking what was up with that, even when I was just in kindergarten because that's how isolating it was. Mrs. Doolan kept telling me over and over that I'd be out there with everybody else soon, by X grade. And then I'd work my hardest and reach X grade and ask again. And then suddenly, it was Y grade? And I'd do it all again until Y grade came around, only for it to be Z. She did this for years, over and over, and every time my hope turned out to be false, I just... blamed myself, for not doing good enough. For being a defect. Even though nobody was even telling me exactly what to improve on, anyway.
-My classmates bullied me real bad once I turned 8, and I considered suicide. Apparently, I was too old to still enjoy Nintendo. And too ugly to live. And moved too weird to be respected. And deserved things like my lunches dumped on the ground or my drawings ripped apart. But because we were Special Ed students, we weren't allowed to talk to kids outside my class-- separating from my "friends" wasn't an option.
-I grinded my teeth in my sleep every night. Bruxism.
-I found out what Special Ed was when I was 10 and realized that being in it was the reason the adults didn't truly take care of me as good as they did with the other kids. And I vowed to get out of it because I noticed that the General Ed's were learning way more in class than we were-- for Spanish, we just play on duolingo unsupervised or Google answers to worksheets. They get textbooks and videos and duolingo and tests and homework and projects, a real curriculum! Meanwhile, we weren't worth the time. But I was always a hard worker and a good kid. I wanted an education, I wanted a future, a foundation to build a life on! And realizing that this class really just... wasn't going to give me one changed my life. It broke me. But it also made me determined to get out and try to take control ASAP. I felt like my life would be on the line if I didn't.
-I realized all the grownups saying that nothing was different about the way my class worked was just a bunch of dirty lies. And that they'd been lying to me for years because they figured disability was something shameful that shouldn't be discussed. And because of that, I felt ashamed of myself.
-Bullying got worse. Sexual, once we reached middle school. Half the time I didn't even understand what they were saying because I was a late bloomer. I made a plan to kill myself if I didn't transfer away from Special Ed by the time I hit 8th grade. Because if anyone was going to deem me inferior and take my future away, it was me. This one boy would always hump the back of my seat.
-My 3 main bullies grabbed and tried to force me and my crush onto each other during recess once. We resisted and I screamed the entire time. I made eye-contact with a lunch aide during the struggle, and she... turned the other way, to talk to the non-disabled kids instead. I lost my voice later that day.
-I got into a lot of fist fights, one during the middle of the morning in the recess yard where my sweater broke in front of a whole crowd. Teachers didn't even notice.
-Another autistic kid the grade under me joined in on the bullying and stalked me constantly. Chasing me up the stairs for several flights despite my asthma, getting way too close, stroking my hair as he passed by because it was too thick for me to feel, and even trying to follow my school bus home. And nobody believed me that it was scary or serious because he was disabled: they thought he was too stupid to ever do any harm and refused to take ANY precautions; even though I overheard him admit to his friends that he just did it to terrorize me. I was often really scared that he was gonna rape me. I even decided that if he did, I'd let it happen without struggling because I wanted there to be evidence, and was hoping a hospital trip would be enough to finally get some help. This went on for ten months, almost daily. Even over the summer because he lived next to my favorite pizza place; I couldn't feel safe outside. The running, aches, heart-pounding, lungs tightening... I always thought I was about to be raped or die.
-I had to start sneaking into regular PE when the adults weren't looking when I was 11. Mrs. Doolan had just told me, "Well... you'll be in gym by high school! Won't that be fun?" and the thought of being on the bleachers for even another moment just seemed unbearable. And I then got screamed at for playing with everybody else in public to the point of having my very first mental breakdown / panic attack in front of like twenty kids.
-I saw some of or homework was printed from a URL regarding third grade homework.
-I stole and broke my main bully's phone in an attempt to get suspended out of the sped class for even just one day, but got off scot-free for literally stealing and breaking a $600 item.
-One day I snapped and was forced to beat the boy who was stalking me outside of school. October 20th, 2015, I hunted him down at like 4pm in our neighborhood and chased HIM for once. I know it couldn't have been bad since he came to school the next day with no marks, but I put my hands on him and tried my best to rough him up. I remember yanking his hoodie off his face when he tried to hide in it. It's a blur. I was so happy to do it at the time and I walked away with pride, but now I just think about how dangerous a situation the school put us BOTH in by ignoring that for so long. He never bugged me again, thank God. Idk what I would have done if he did. I... can't believe the school pretty much forced my hand into beating somebody, though. And I'm really upset that they did. On both my behalf and his.
-I had a crush on a seemingly-nice 8th grader from the sped class for his grade, who then tore me down every chance he got as time went on. Always mocking my autistic traits even though they're not even that bad. HIS were more noticeable!
"Steven, this is serious!"
"But... that was just the early stuff!"
When I started watching SU, I thought it was finally over. It was summer between grades 7 and 8, and I actually DID end up earning the right to transfer into General Ed for 8th grade like I wanted. I really thought I had won, and I did, and kicking back and watching SU seemed like a good way to celebrate. But what I was too young to know was that all of these experiences would fuck my brain up.
In 8th grade, I kept my head down and didn't talk to anybody because I was afraid they'd mistreat me like my sped peers did. I was just there to get the full education that I worked so hard for and leave. The most popular girl in the class Fatima was a sweetheart though and determined to be my friend. So was the smart girl Sylvia and class emo, Leyla. Fatima, Sylvia and Leyla were just DYING to have me in their friend group because I seemed tough and was smart too, and drew really cool pictures, and liked MCR just like Leyla did. We became a friend group of four! They gave me no reason to be afraid. And yet I was always ready for them to hit me or secretly hate me, because that's just what friendship was to me.
Basic acts of kindness like Christmas gifts or choosing where I sat at lunch amazed me. Other kids imitating my body language sent me into suicidal spirals and shaking in matters of minutes. I always felt like I had something to prove worth to my teachers, even the ones who were nice. And I thought about sped at least once an hour every day. And I didn't know why. At least I could watch Steven Universe as a distraction, though.
Some more traumatic incidents happened in 8th grade and high school as well, of course-- the big ones are the guidance counselor in 8th grade finally finding out about my suicidal thoughts and lecturing me for them all angry and calling me selfish. When really I was just a kid with a shaky home and a bunch of trauma trying my best to keep myself afloat after seeing that adults couldn't be relied on to meet my needs.
In high school I struggled with math enough that my teacher and mom agreed to throw me back in Special Ed without even asking me, and I was often avoidant with my teachers because that kind of class environment just gave me flashbacks. I was 14 and still couldn't make full sense of this. And freshman me felt like I'd let myself down big time by allowing this to happen even though I'd given it my all. And I never got over this sense of failure or any of that. Two years later I had a geometry teacher who hated me for being on an IEP, and frequently used my health against me. One time I got extremely sick with a cold and only came in to keep my attendance from getting worse. He INSISTED I come in on a weekend to do make-up work in person or he'd fail me, even though it was winter and snowing that day, and I was VERY clearly not well enough to be anywhere but home. The work was online and I begged him to let me do it at home, but he wouldn't budge. So I walked through the snowstorm, made the 90 minute commute while feeling insanely suicidal, and worsened my fever.
If I didn't do that, I would've had to be put in EXTRA special ed classes for senior year. And I didn't think I could handle that without killing myself.
I've been rewatching SU lately, the first 5 seasons. And there a lot of moments where we see Steven's trauma first happening that remind me of me when I was still a kid watching these episodes as they came out.
Like in season one (the episode "Rose's Scabbard") Steven manages to upset Pearl-- who's like a mother figure to him-- over something that isn't really about him at all, and yet he STILL goes "Pearl! Did i-- did I do something wrong? You have to tell me!" the same way I used to ask why I had to stay on the bleachers when I was little. I asked if I did something wrong or if I would be good enough soon a lot.
There's another scene. in season one where Amethyst and Pearl fight. Amethyst says, "I'm NOT gonna let you stand here and remind me of everything I hate about myself!" Which is something I think I've wanted to say to my Special Ed teachers ever since I was little, too.
Season Two has a song (Full Disclosure) where Steven's avoiding his best friend Connie. 8th grade me related to it a lot regarding special ed and my new friends. The last bit goes, "What am I going to tell you? You're better off not knowing the trouble I'm in. I don't want you to worry... about what I've just seen, about where I've just been! You don't have to be a part of this, I don't think I want you to be. You don't need this... you don't need me..."
The song Here Comes A Thought is about coping with anxiety and the episode it's in came out RIGHT before my first day of 8th grade. And I wish I understood enough about what I'd been through that I took it to heart then and there when it first premiered. Good song by the way, highly recommend for anyone who's struggling. The entire episode, honestly, I wish I'd registered that it was pretty much exactly what I was dealing with.
That's not even all of it. A lot of reminders come up when I'm rewatching, like... my god. But this is getting long, so I'm gonna stop there. But I think PTSD is a big part of the reason it appealed to me so much growing up; I was dealing with so much and didn't even know I was experiencing trauma until got older, much like Steven himself. And it was ongoing, coming from a crap ton of different experiences the same way Steven's does.
I... don't think the last season of SU-- Steven Universe: Future, where the link is from-- does the best job talking about mental health. It's really more of an angst-fest, not animated or paced well, and doesn't teach enough about the subject it's trying to tackle. Steven's character gets REALLY ugly and just straight-up mean at some points as well, certain actions he takes and things he says really made me dislike him, and I wish we actually got to see Steven get therapy the same way we do in that Hey Arnold episode with Helga, so people who think they need help can know what help actually looks like.
But damn, if it didn't resonate with unknowingly PTSD-ridden, 12-year-old-me, then... I don't know what did.
submitted by OneDayBigBrain to CPTSD [link] [comments]
The show finished a little under a year ago now, and I'm 18. The story is that it's there's this race of aliens called Gems. And it's about this half-gem half-human boy Steven and his family, learning how to use his gem powers and defending the earth from other gems who wanna destroy it. It's super cute and teaches a lot of good messages about identity, dealing with anxiety, mental health, love, and just... being a person.
The last season was kind of a dumpster-fire, writing-wise. But the general idea was that after all of Steven's world-saving shenanigans wrapped up in season 5, it left him with PTSD and trauma to deal with now in the last season (Steven Universe: Future) and I've been thinking about the scene where he first discovered this a lot. And the way it feels so... accurate to what I'm dealing with, now.
Here it is, if you're wondering: https://youtu.be/gKyyNgqjUXQ
The way that it's just a clip-show of everything that happened in the main series beforehand and it's all just... playing out behind him so quickly resonates with me a lot now? I think back to when I was 12 and first started watching this show back during season three, and how a lot of the traumatic stuff I think about daily now had already happened then.
-The adults forced me to look them in the eyes when we spoke, even though it burned me? It was so uncomfortable that I'd just bust out cackling from the sensation, but they'd force me to do it anyway.
-A lot of people got mad at me all the time for eating my favorite foods over and over.
-Nobody would really ever let me use my body the way I wanted? You know, like flapping my hands around when I got happy and stuff. When I was little, they'd always make me change it to clapping instead, and I just complied because I was basically a toddler. My classmates bullied me for it, too. And I was always getting pulled out of class for way too much physical therapy, every little nuance of how I did anything from holding a pencil to running around to typing was under constant scrutiny and study! It could never be the way that worked for me-- instead, I had to learn the "proper" ways. And these services weren't gonna stop until I was perfectly normal-- more perfect than I bet MOST normal people are when they do these things.
-I have some health issues on top of autism. Asthma, heart murmur, low muscle tone, etc. Nothing too serious, but a lot of them. And instead of just cutting me some slack during PE and letting me take breaks as needed, the school thought it'd be better to just leave me sitting out on the bleachers by myself. Watching everybody else have fun almost daily. Without even telling me why. For almost nine years.
-I kept asking what was up with that, even when I was just in kindergarten because that's how isolating it was. Mrs. Doolan kept telling me over and over that I'd be out there with everybody else soon, by X grade. And then I'd work my hardest and reach X grade and ask again. And then suddenly, it was Y grade? And I'd do it all again until Y grade came around, only for it to be Z. She did this for years, over and over, and every time my hope turned out to be false, I just... blamed myself, for not doing good enough. For being a defect. Even though nobody was even telling me exactly what to improve on, anyway.
-My classmates bullied me real bad once I turned 8, and I considered suicide. Apparently, I was too old to still enjoy Nintendo. And too ugly to live. And moved too weird to be respected. And deserved things like my lunches dumped on the ground or my drawings ripped apart. But because we were Special Ed students, we weren't allowed to talk to kids outside my class-- separating from my "friends" wasn't an option.
-I grinded my teeth in my sleep every night. Bruxism.
-I found out what Special Ed was when I was 10 and realized that being in it was the reason the adults didn't truly take care of me as good as they did with the other kids. And I vowed to get out of it because I noticed that the General Ed's were learning way more in class than we were-- for Spanish, we just play on duolingo unsupervised or Google answers to worksheets. They get textbooks and videos and duolingo and tests and homework and projects, a real curriculum! Meanwhile, we weren't worth the time. But I was always a hard worker and a good kid. I wanted an education, I wanted a future, a foundation to build a life on! And realizing that this class really just... wasn't going to give me one changed my life. It broke me. But it also made me determined to get out and try to take control ASAP. I felt like my life would be on the line if I didn't.
-I realized all the grownups saying that nothing was different about the way my class worked was just a bunch of dirty lies. And that they'd been lying to me for years because they figured disability was something shameful that shouldn't be discussed. And because of that, I felt ashamed of myself.
-Bullying got worse. Sexual, once we reached middle school. Half the time I didn't even understand what they were saying because I was a late bloomer. I made a plan to kill myself if I didn't transfer away from Special Ed by the time I hit 8th grade. Because if anyone was going to deem me inferior and take my future away, it was me. This one boy would always hump the back of my seat.
-My 3 main bullies grabbed and tried to force me and my crush onto each other during recess once. We resisted and I screamed the entire time. I made eye-contact with a lunch aide during the struggle, and she... turned the other way, to talk to the non-disabled kids instead. I lost my voice later that day.
-I got into a lot of fist fights, one during the middle of the morning in the recess yard where my sweater broke in front of a whole crowd. Teachers didn't even notice.
-Another autistic kid the grade under me joined in on the bullying and stalked me constantly. Chasing me up the stairs for several flights despite my asthma, getting way too close, stroking my hair as he passed by because it was too thick for me to feel, and even trying to follow my school bus home. And nobody believed me that it was scary or serious because he was disabled: they thought he was too stupid to ever do any harm and refused to take ANY precautions; even though I overheard him admit to his friends that he just did it to terrorize me. I was often really scared that he was gonna rape me. I even decided that if he did, I'd let it happen without struggling because I wanted there to be evidence, and was hoping a hospital trip would be enough to finally get some help. This went on for ten months, almost daily. Even over the summer because he lived next to my favorite pizza place; I couldn't feel safe outside. The running, aches, heart-pounding, lungs tightening... I always thought I was about to be raped or die.
-I had to start sneaking into regular PE when the adults weren't looking when I was 11. Mrs. Doolan had just told me, "Well... you'll be in gym by high school! Won't that be fun?" and the thought of being on the bleachers for even another moment just seemed unbearable. And I then got screamed at for playing with everybody else in public to the point of having my very first mental breakdown / panic attack in front of like twenty kids.
-I saw some of or homework was printed from a URL regarding third grade homework.
-I stole and broke my main bully's phone in an attempt to get suspended out of the sped class for even just one day, but got off scot-free for literally stealing and breaking a $600 item.
-One day I snapped and was forced to beat the boy who was stalking me outside of school. October 20th, 2015, I hunted him down at like 4pm in our neighborhood and chased HIM for once. I know it couldn't have been bad since he came to school the next day with no marks, but I put my hands on him and tried my best to rough him up. I remember yanking his hoodie off his face when he tried to hide in it. It's a blur. I was so happy to do it at the time and I walked away with pride, but now I just think about how dangerous a situation the school put us BOTH in by ignoring that for so long. He never bugged me again, thank God. Idk what I would have done if he did. I... can't believe the school pretty much forced my hand into beating somebody, though. And I'm really upset that they did. On both my behalf and his.
-I had a crush on a seemingly-nice 8th grader from the sped class for his grade, who then tore me down every chance he got as time went on. Always mocking my autistic traits even though they're not even that bad. HIS were more noticeable!
"Steven, this is serious!"
"But... that was just the early stuff!"
When I started watching SU, I thought it was finally over. It was summer between grades 7 and 8, and I actually DID end up earning the right to transfer into General Ed for 8th grade like I wanted. I really thought I had won, and I did, and kicking back and watching SU seemed like a good way to celebrate. But what I was too young to know was that all of these experiences would fuck my brain up.
In 8th grade, I kept my head down and didn't talk to anybody because I was afraid they'd mistreat me like my sped peers did. I was just there to get the full education that I worked so hard for and leave. The most popular girl in the class Fatima was a sweetheart though and determined to be my friend. So was the smart girl Sylvia and class emo, Leyla. Fatima, Sylvia and Leyla were just DYING to have me in their friend group because I seemed tough and was smart too, and drew really cool pictures, and liked MCR just like Leyla did. We became a friend group of four! They gave me no reason to be afraid. And yet I was always ready for them to hit me or secretly hate me, because that's just what friendship was to me.
Basic acts of kindness like Christmas gifts or choosing where I sat at lunch amazed me. Other kids imitating my body language sent me into suicidal spirals and shaking in matters of minutes. I always felt like I had something to prove worth to my teachers, even the ones who were nice. And I thought about sped at least once an hour every day. And I didn't know why. At least I could watch Steven Universe as a distraction, though.
Some more traumatic incidents happened in 8th grade and high school as well, of course-- the big ones are the guidance counselor in 8th grade finally finding out about my suicidal thoughts and lecturing me for them all angry and calling me selfish. When really I was just a kid with a shaky home and a bunch of trauma trying my best to keep myself afloat after seeing that adults couldn't be relied on to meet my needs.
In high school I struggled with math enough that my teacher and mom agreed to throw me back in Special Ed without even asking me, and I was often avoidant with my teachers because that kind of class environment just gave me flashbacks. I was 14 and still couldn't make full sense of this. And freshman me felt like I'd let myself down big time by allowing this to happen even though I'd given it my all. And I never got over this sense of failure or any of that. Two years later I had a geometry teacher who hated me for being on an IEP, and frequently used my health against me. One time I got extremely sick with a cold and only came in to keep my attendance from getting worse. He INSISTED I come in on a weekend to do make-up work in person or he'd fail me, even though it was winter and snowing that day, and I was VERY clearly not well enough to be anywhere but home. The work was online and I begged him to let me do it at home, but he wouldn't budge. So I walked through the snowstorm, made the 90 minute commute while feeling insanely suicidal, and worsened my fever.
If I didn't do that, I would've had to be put in EXTRA special ed classes for senior year. And I didn't think I could handle that without killing myself.
I've been rewatching SU lately, the first 5 seasons. And there a lot of moments where we see Steven's trauma first happening that remind me of me when I was still a kid watching these episodes as they came out.
Like in season one (the episode "Rose's Scabbard") Steven manages to upset Pearl-- who's like a mother figure to him-- over something that isn't really about him at all, and yet he STILL goes "Pearl! Did i-- did I do something wrong? You have to tell me!" the same way I used to ask why I had to stay on the bleachers when I was little. I asked if I did something wrong or if I would be good enough soon a lot.
There's another scene. in season one where Amethyst and Pearl fight. Amethyst says, "I'm NOT gonna let you stand here and remind me of everything I hate about myself!" Which is something I think I've wanted to say to my Special Ed teachers ever since I was little, too.
Season Two has a song (Full Disclosure) where Steven's avoiding his best friend Connie. 8th grade me related to it a lot regarding special ed and my new friends. The last bit goes, "What am I going to tell you? You're better off not knowing the trouble I'm in. I don't want you to worry... about what I've just seen, about where I've just been! You don't have to be a part of this, I don't think I want you to be. You don't need this... you don't need me..."
The song Here Comes A Thought is about coping with anxiety and the episode it's in came out RIGHT before my first day of 8th grade. And I wish I understood enough about what I'd been through that I took it to heart then and there when it first premiered. Good song by the way, highly recommend for anyone who's struggling. The entire episode, honestly, I wish I'd registered that it was pretty much exactly what I was dealing with.
That's not even all of it. A lot of reminders come up when I'm rewatching, like... my god. But this is getting long, so I'm gonna stop there. But I think PTSD is a big part of the reason it appealed to me so much growing up; I was dealing with so much and didn't even know I was experiencing trauma until got older, much like Steven himself. And it was ongoing, coming from a crap ton of different experiences the same way Steven's does.
I... don't think the last season of SU-- Steven Universe: Future, where the link is from-- does the best job talking about mental health. It's really more of an angst-fest, not animated or paced well, and doesn't teach enough about the subject it's trying to tackle. Steven's character gets REALLY ugly and just straight-up mean at some points as well, certain actions he takes and things he says really made me dislike him, and I wish we actually got to see Steven get therapy the same way we do in that Hey Arnold episode with Helga, so people who think they need help can know what help actually looks like.
But damn, if it didn't resonate with unknowingly PTSD-ridden, 12-year-old-me, then... I don't know what did.
2021.01.06 21:06 rotsoil Beaver Falls [Prologue][Chapter 3]
Previous Chapter
When morning came, there was still no sign of my dad.
The bruise around my mom’s eye had turned a deep purpley-blue. As I came into the kitchen, she set a bowl of cereal down for me at the table. I got a good look at her neck then. Green bruises laced with purple hues wrapped their way
It was Friday, but I wasn’t in a good mood. After last night’s events, I wasn’t looking forward to another weekend my dad would spend drunk. There was no telling how far he would take it.
“Does it hurt?” I asked. I didn’t have to specify that I meant her eye for her to know what I was talking about.
She just shook her head and changed the subject. “Hey, you haven’t mentioned Martin lately, are you two still friends?”
I nodded.
Martin was a kid my age. We were in the same class at school, and I guess he was the closest thing I had to a friend. I don’t think either of us had friends per se but we were usually thrown together for partner projects. He could get annoying sometimes and most of the other kids didn’t really like him. He always had to be right, so telling him a story or trying to include him in a conversation could prove more frustrating than it was worth. He loved to remind people that he was asthmatic, so he never wanted to play games like tag or hide-’n-seek, but he was also the biggest weenie I’d ever met, so that was probably for the best. He was always worried about getting in trouble or breaking rules.
“Why don’t you two have a sleepover? It’s been a while since you hung out,” my mom suggested.
I shoveled cereal into my mouth and mulled it over. A sleepover might not be a bad idea. If anything, it would get me away from my dad for a night.
***
There was no rain that morning, just a grey foreboding sky. My head must have been up in those thick fluffy clouds, because before I knew it, I was walking up to the school’s main entrance. I was surprised to see Mary Alice was waiting to greet me.
“Did you do your homework last night?” she asked as I approached. There was a look in her eyes like she already knew the answer. I shook my head. “I didn’t think so. Here.” She pulled her own homework out of her backpack and handed it to me.
I looked at her, dumbfounded. “You’re letting me copy yours?” It seemed appalling to me that someone would actually let me copy their homework, especially someone I barely even knew.
“Sure,” she shrugged like it was no big deal. She turned and walked away and I sat down on a bench and got to work quickly.
“Dewey! Was that Mary Alice?”
I looked up to see who was interrupting me. Martin had come over. “Yeah, she’s letting me copy her homework. Rough night.” Martin knew what that meant. He’d even been present for a drunken rampage or two of his own. I was pretty sure the whole town knew what my father was like.
“You know she has the evil eye though, right?” Martin looked panic stricken as he sat down next to me.
“Yeah, but what does that even mean?” I challenged as I scribbled some more on my worksheet.
“I… don’t know. Melanie said if she looks at you with it she can put a curse on you! And Tyler said it means her eye is going to rot and fall out of her head! Chris said it means her grandma’s a witch and she put a spell on Mary Alice when she was still in her mom’s stomach and now Mary Alice can see the dead!” Martin was talking frantically, causing him to breathe heavily. I wondered if it was possible for Martin to work himself into an asthma attack.
“Do you really think all that’s true?” I put my pencil down and looked at him carefully. “Don’t you think if any of that is true, something would have happened by now?”
“Well… I….” Martin scrambled for an explanation but came up blank.
“Seriously man, don’t believe everything you hear. Sure, it looks bad, but you’ve got your own crap to worry about, with your dad and all. Worry about yourself.” That shut Martin up.
The bell rang and I rushed to copy a few more answers before shuffling the papers up and passing them back to Mary Alice as we entered the school together. Martin glanced at Mary Alice warily.
The rest of the day flew by.
“Hey, my mom wants to know if we can have a sleepover tonight,” I asked Martin as we exited the school. The sky was still grey, but a light drizzle had started to fall.
“I’m sure my mom will be fine with it,” he said. We both knew “sleepover” was code for “Can you watch my kid for a night? I need a break”.
“Sleepover, huh? Maybe I’ll crash it,” Mary Alice remarked as she joined us. Martin immediately went pale.
I chuckled. “You can’t come to a boys’ sleepover, you’re a girl!”
“I don’t have to sleep over, but I can still come over.” She stared at me with cold, unyielding eyes, daring me to challenge her again. Out of the corner of my eye I could see Martin shaking his head adamantly. “We can go looking for the beavers.”
“What?” Martin and I both said in unison. We stopped in our tracks. My stomach clenched with dread.
Mary Alice kept walking until she realized we had stopped. She turned back towards us. “The beavers. We can get proof they’re real. Then the class will stop making fun of you. Maybe Katie will even think you’re cool.”
I felt my face flush at that. Everyone knew Katie was the cutest girl in class.
Mary Alice continued like she hadn’t even noticed. “I got a camera last Christmas. We can take pictures of them and then you’ll have your proof. You guys wanna come to my house today?” Mary Alice said it so casually like we were gonna go to the store to get some pop.
“Dewey! We can’t go to her house! Her grandma’s a witch!” Martin hissed in my ear. Mary Alice whirled around and glared at us.
“Really? You of all people should know better than to spread rumors.” Her voice was ice cold. Martin turned beet red and seemed to shrink.
“Sure, we’ll come,” I said, trying to smooth out the tension in the air. “Well, I’ll come. Dunno about him.” I gestured towards Martin, who looked like he might spontaneously combust.
And that was how we found ourselves at the door to the witch’s lair.
Except not really.
Mary Alice’s house looked relievingly normal. Sure, it was a little run down, the yard was a little overgrown, but that’s how most houses were. Her house had the mark of a founding family - made of bricks that were once red but had now more of a faded dirt color. Ivy crawled over most of her house and the grass grew high. A rusted iron fence lined the perimeter of the property. Only the founding families had houses made from brick that were passed down through each generation.
“This is where you live?” Martin asked incredulously. Despite his earlier qualms, he had insisted on tagging along. He argued that if he came with me then someone would know what had happened if Mary Alice and her grandmother had put a curse on me or killed me somehow.
“Yeah, why?” Mary Alice asked.
“It’s so… normal,” Martin replied. I wondered if he had ever seen a founder’s house up close
Truthfully, her house looked in better condition than most of the houses in town. The yard was still overgrown, but the house itself was in better condition than the majority of the buildings in town. I wondered to myself what caused them to stop building houses out of brick if most of the wooden structures were rotting and waterlogged.
Mary Alice shrugged. “My family was one of the original settlers here, way back,” she said, as if that was enough of an explanation.
She opened the front door and we all headed inside. As we took our shoes off, I looked at the house around me. It was warm and cozy. The walls in the foyer were covered in old, faded pictures. It looked like most of the photographs were in black and white or sepia toned. A pastel shade of pink wallpaper peeked around the picture frames. Mary Alice’s home was actually more inviting than my own house was.
A delicious smell wafted out of the kitchen and my stomach growled audibly. I flushed with embarrassment as they both turned to look at me. I realized all that I had eaten that day was the cereal my mom had given me for breakfast. With money being as tight as it was, it was actually pretty rare for my mom to send me to school with a lunch and school’s food was barely edible.
“Grammy? I’m home!” Mary Alice called out as she padded across plush carpet towards the kitchen. “I brought some friends, I hope that’s okay.”
Martin and I exchanged a look. Much to Martin’s reluctance, I followed her, and he followed me. In the kitchen, we found an ancient-looking woman standing at an old oven. Right after we entered the kitchen, she turned around and set down a plate of chocolate chip cookies on the kitchen table. We watched as she pulled Mary Alice in for a hug, and planted a kiss on the top of her head.
“Oh, well hello!” she croaked warmly as she greeted us. “How wonderful it is to see you! It’s been far too long since we had guests here. Come in, sit, sit. You look hungry!”
I flushed at the mention of hunger, and it felt like her eyes pierced right through me. “This is Martin and Dewey,” Mary Alice said, sitting down and grabbing a cookie.
“Of course, how lovely to meet you!” Grammy exclaimed. “Make yourselves comfortable, I’ll leave you kids be.” She gave us a wink and hobbled off deeper into the house.
I wasted no time climbing into a chair and snatching a cookie myself. “Are you going to sit or what?”
Martin was still standing in the doorway, frozen. A panicked look crossed his face. Eventually, he forced himself to walk over and climb into a chair next to me. His eyes were so wide I thought they might bug out of his head.
“Have a cookie,” Mary Alice offered as she bit into another one. As I shoved mine into my mouth, it melted on my tongue. I decided then that there was nothing better than fresh baked cookies.
“What if they’re poisoned?” Martin whispered to me. I was sure he hadn’t intended for Mary Alice to hear him, but she rolled her eyes anyway.
“Whatever, more for me,” I told him as I bit into another heavenly cookie. “Sooo… what do you want to do?” I sat back in my chair and looked at both of them.
“Let’s go to my room! We can play a game!” Mary Alice grabbed the plate of cookies and raced down the hall. She scurried up the staircase in the hall before we were even out of our chairs.
Martin and I crept up the stairs, but without Mary Alice to guide us, it felt like we were doing something we weren’t supposed to be. At the top of the stairs, a hallway stretched ahead of us. All of the doors were closed except for one at the end. I wondered if there were other people living here besides Mary Alice and her grandmother, if there were, then who were they? And if there weren’t, then what laid in the rooms beyond those doors? We only had two bedrooms in my house and a closet.
Mary Alice’s room was at the end of the hall, and based on what I had heard about her, it was not what I expected at all. Her walls were painted a lavender color, and she had potted plants lined up in front of two huge windows on the far wall of her room. Her bed was neatly made, no clothes were on the floor, and no toy was out of place. Tall bookcases lined one wall, stretching from the floor to the ceiling. The shelves were so crammed with books, they bowed slightly under the weight. Some of the books were so worn and old that I couldn’t read the spines. A dollhouse sat in one corner, an exact replica of her own house. Overall, her room looked pretty normal.
Mary Alice and I sat down on the floor as she placed the plate of cookies between us on a rug that looked like a daisy. Martin followed us, looking around her room in wonder. He stopped when his eyes fell to her bed. Two needles stuck out of a balled-up mess of yarn.
“You knit?” he scoffed. “Isn’t that for old ladies?”
“I make blankets and donate them to the shelter and the community center,” Mary Alice replied matter-of-factly, giving him a sharp look.
“So what game do we want to play?” I asked, wanting to change the subject. Martin sat down next to me and gingerly took a cookie. His whole demeanor changed as soon as he bit into it.
“Truth or Dare!” Mary Alice exclaimed.
I immediately felt uneasy. I’d never actually played “Truth or Dare before’, but I had heard enough about it to know how easily it could get out of hand.
“Who goes first?” Martin asked nervously. I was pretty sure Martin had never played it either, or he had, and it just hadn’t ended well for him.
“Dewey! Truth or dare?” Mary Alice smiled.
“Uhh, dare, I guess.”
A wicked look crossed her eyes. “I dare you… To stick your tongue in Martin’s ear!”
“What? No!” Martin squirmed, but I knew the rules of the game and I didn’t want to be the first one to refuse a dare, especially this early. I shut my eyes, stuck my tongue out, leaned closer to Martin, and got it over with. The sour taste of earwax lingered in my mouth. Martin looked mortified when I pulled back.
“Okay, um, Martin. It’s your turn now: truth or dare.” I looked over at him. I knew he wasn’t one for risks, so I already knew what he would choose.
“Truth.”
I thought for a while. I knew Martin better than most people, but I also knew Mary Alice would probably tease me if I asked Martin a lame question. The point of the game was to see how far you were willing to go with dares, or to share something about yourself. I decided on one I thought would be pretty tame, since Martin wasn’t much of a risk-taker. “What’s the most embarrassing thing that’s happened to you?”
Martin shifted uncomfortably and I immediately knew whatever he had to share would be more embarrassing than I had anticipated.
“Last summer a bunch of us went swimming in the creek. I had to… um… y’know, fart? But it… um…” Martin’s face was beet red.
Instantly, I knew where this was headed and I wished I had asked him something else.
“That was you?” Mary Alice fell over giggling. “You’re… the one… who… pooped… in the creek?” she asked between laughs.
Martin frowned and looked at her challengingly. I felt a lump grow in my stomach as I realized this had gotten out of hand.
“Mary Alice,” he said firmly. She immediately stopped laughing and sat up. “Truth or dare?”
“Truth,” she said defiantly. There was a twinkle in her eye like she thought she had outwitted him, but my heart stopped when I heard Martin’s question:
“What really happened to your eye?”
A cold silence filled the air. Mary Alice looked down dolefully.
“Mary Alice, you don’t have to-” I started, but Martin’s icy glare cut me off. It was clear he wanted his revenge.
Mary Alice took a deep breath. “So… when I was born, my eyes were two different colors. The other one was red. Like, the iris was red. And my dad…” I watched her bottom lip tremble.
“Mary Alice...” I whispered.
She took a deep breath before continuing. “I don’t really remember, but Grammy says my dad was a paranoid schizophrenic. At some point he stopped taking his medicine and he really didn’t like my eye. He kept saying it was from the devil. One night he took a knife and tried to cut my eye out. My mom tried to stop him and he stabbed her. When she wouldn’t stop bleeding, he ran away. My mom died and they arrested my dad. So now I’m blind in my eye and I live here with my grandma.”
I stared at her, dumbfounded. A sick feeling was twisting around in my stomach. Neither of us knew what to say. What could we say?
“Does it hurt?” Martin whispered. He seemed genuinely appalled at Mary Alice’s story.
She shrugged. “Sometimes it does. I can kind of see things with my blind eye that I can’t with my normal eye. I don’t think anyone else can see it either.
“What kind of things do you see?” I asked.
“I can see when people are bad. Like, you know how when you watch a scary movie, and you get like, that sick feeling and you can just tell when the main character is about to walk into a trap? I get a feeling like that, but also sometimes my eye hurts.”
“Wow, th-” I started to say, but she interrupted me.
“Martin. Truth or dare.” There was a venomous look in her eye. The game was back on and I knew what was going to happen. Martin was silent for a moment. His cheeks flushed and he fidgeted as he weighed his options. I was pretty sure he knew what was coming too.
“Truth,” he finally said meekly.
“Where’s your dad.” It was more of a daring statement than a question. This time, it was Martin’s turn to look down. I already knew what had happened to Martin’s dad, but I was pretty sure no one else did. I’d overheard our parents talking about it, so I knew his mom was pretty embarrassed and wouldn’t talk about it at all.
Finally, Martin opened his mouth. “He ran off with some guy he was having an affair with. I think it was the intern at his job. Apparently, they have like a whole family of their own. My mom thinks it went on the entire time my parents were married, and that my dad helped the guy get a job at his work so they could spend more time together. Apparently, he’s always been gay and my dad says my mom just trapped him by having me.”
“Well, that’s not so bad. What’s wrong with being gay?” Mary Alice asked. But we all knew not all of the residents of Beaver Falls were as understanding. Sometimes it really felt like we were all living under a giant microscope.
I was surprised when Martin kept talking. Every time I had tried to ask him about his dad, Martin always tried to change the subject, so I had stopped trying to push the subject.
“I’ve tried calling him sometimes. It’s pretty rare for the call to actually go through, but when it does go through, it always just goes to his voicemail. He’s never called me back. I haven’t seen him since he left. I got up that morning and went to school, said bye to him before I left, and he was gone before I got home that day. It’s like he doesn’t even care about me anymore like he just replaced us with this brand new family.”
“My dad’s the town drunk,” I piped up, trying to smooth out the tension. Mary Alice and Martin looked up at me, confused. “I can’t remember a day in my life when he wasn’t drinking,” I continued. “He hit my mom last night so hard she has a black eye. He also said he never wanted me and I think if I hadn’t barricaded my door last night, he would have killed me.
I thought my babbling would have smoothed out some of the tension in the room, but instead, there was just more uncomfortable silence. No one knew what to say to each other.
“Well aren’t we a bunch of pathetic outcasts?” Mary Alice chuckled. We all laughed then and spent the next few minutes trying to one-up each other with stories about how awful our home lives were.
“Is it raining?” Martin suddenly exclaimed. We all turned to look at the window. The clouds were so dark they almost looked black and it had indeed started to drizzle.
“Oh no,” I said, scrambling up.
“We gotta go. We got a long walk ahead of us. We gotta go!” Martin also stood up. I gave Mary Alice an apologetic wave and then we both turned and ran out of her room and down the stairs, leaving her on the floor with the cookies. We both hopped around on one foot as we hurriedly tried to pull our shoes on and race out the door.
Author's note: I wanted to apologize for how long it took for me to post this chapter. Even though, for the most part, the story is largely unchanged and all I've really done is add small details and interactions to help beef up the story a little more, this chapter took much longer than I expected it to. Aside from the chaos the holidays brought, I also had a very severe depressive episode that lasted much longer than I anticipated. I was unable to do much of anything, but also didn't want to force myself to work on this chapter and risk having the quality suffer.
Next Chapter
submitted by rotsoil to rotsoil [link] [comments]
When morning came, there was still no sign of my dad.
The bruise around my mom’s eye had turned a deep purpley-blue. As I came into the kitchen, she set a bowl of cereal down for me at the table. I got a good look at her neck then. Green bruises laced with purple hues wrapped their way
It was Friday, but I wasn’t in a good mood. After last night’s events, I wasn’t looking forward to another weekend my dad would spend drunk. There was no telling how far he would take it.
“Does it hurt?” I asked. I didn’t have to specify that I meant her eye for her to know what I was talking about.
She just shook her head and changed the subject. “Hey, you haven’t mentioned Martin lately, are you two still friends?”
I nodded.
Martin was a kid my age. We were in the same class at school, and I guess he was the closest thing I had to a friend. I don’t think either of us had friends per se but we were usually thrown together for partner projects. He could get annoying sometimes and most of the other kids didn’t really like him. He always had to be right, so telling him a story or trying to include him in a conversation could prove more frustrating than it was worth. He loved to remind people that he was asthmatic, so he never wanted to play games like tag or hide-’n-seek, but he was also the biggest weenie I’d ever met, so that was probably for the best. He was always worried about getting in trouble or breaking rules.
“Why don’t you two have a sleepover? It’s been a while since you hung out,” my mom suggested.
I shoveled cereal into my mouth and mulled it over. A sleepover might not be a bad idea. If anything, it would get me away from my dad for a night.
***
There was no rain that morning, just a grey foreboding sky. My head must have been up in those thick fluffy clouds, because before I knew it, I was walking up to the school’s main entrance. I was surprised to see Mary Alice was waiting to greet me.
“Did you do your homework last night?” she asked as I approached. There was a look in her eyes like she already knew the answer. I shook my head. “I didn’t think so. Here.” She pulled her own homework out of her backpack and handed it to me.
I looked at her, dumbfounded. “You’re letting me copy yours?” It seemed appalling to me that someone would actually let me copy their homework, especially someone I barely even knew.
“Sure,” she shrugged like it was no big deal. She turned and walked away and I sat down on a bench and got to work quickly.
“Dewey! Was that Mary Alice?”
I looked up to see who was interrupting me. Martin had come over. “Yeah, she’s letting me copy her homework. Rough night.” Martin knew what that meant. He’d even been present for a drunken rampage or two of his own. I was pretty sure the whole town knew what my father was like.
“You know she has the evil eye though, right?” Martin looked panic stricken as he sat down next to me.
“Yeah, but what does that even mean?” I challenged as I scribbled some more on my worksheet.
“I… don’t know. Melanie said if she looks at you with it she can put a curse on you! And Tyler said it means her eye is going to rot and fall out of her head! Chris said it means her grandma’s a witch and she put a spell on Mary Alice when she was still in her mom’s stomach and now Mary Alice can see the dead!” Martin was talking frantically, causing him to breathe heavily. I wondered if it was possible for Martin to work himself into an asthma attack.
“Do you really think all that’s true?” I put my pencil down and looked at him carefully. “Don’t you think if any of that is true, something would have happened by now?”
“Well… I….” Martin scrambled for an explanation but came up blank.
“Seriously man, don’t believe everything you hear. Sure, it looks bad, but you’ve got your own crap to worry about, with your dad and all. Worry about yourself.” That shut Martin up.
The bell rang and I rushed to copy a few more answers before shuffling the papers up and passing them back to Mary Alice as we entered the school together. Martin glanced at Mary Alice warily.
The rest of the day flew by.
“Hey, my mom wants to know if we can have a sleepover tonight,” I asked Martin as we exited the school. The sky was still grey, but a light drizzle had started to fall.
“I’m sure my mom will be fine with it,” he said. We both knew “sleepover” was code for “Can you watch my kid for a night? I need a break”.
“Sleepover, huh? Maybe I’ll crash it,” Mary Alice remarked as she joined us. Martin immediately went pale.
I chuckled. “You can’t come to a boys’ sleepover, you’re a girl!”
“I don’t have to sleep over, but I can still come over.” She stared at me with cold, unyielding eyes, daring me to challenge her again. Out of the corner of my eye I could see Martin shaking his head adamantly. “We can go looking for the beavers.”
“What?” Martin and I both said in unison. We stopped in our tracks. My stomach clenched with dread.
Mary Alice kept walking until she realized we had stopped. She turned back towards us. “The beavers. We can get proof they’re real. Then the class will stop making fun of you. Maybe Katie will even think you’re cool.”
I felt my face flush at that. Everyone knew Katie was the cutest girl in class.
Mary Alice continued like she hadn’t even noticed. “I got a camera last Christmas. We can take pictures of them and then you’ll have your proof. You guys wanna come to my house today?” Mary Alice said it so casually like we were gonna go to the store to get some pop.
“Dewey! We can’t go to her house! Her grandma’s a witch!” Martin hissed in my ear. Mary Alice whirled around and glared at us.
“Really? You of all people should know better than to spread rumors.” Her voice was ice cold. Martin turned beet red and seemed to shrink.
“Sure, we’ll come,” I said, trying to smooth out the tension in the air. “Well, I’ll come. Dunno about him.” I gestured towards Martin, who looked like he might spontaneously combust.
And that was how we found ourselves at the door to the witch’s lair.
Except not really.
Mary Alice’s house looked relievingly normal. Sure, it was a little run down, the yard was a little overgrown, but that’s how most houses were. Her house had the mark of a founding family - made of bricks that were once red but had now more of a faded dirt color. Ivy crawled over most of her house and the grass grew high. A rusted iron fence lined the perimeter of the property. Only the founding families had houses made from brick that were passed down through each generation.
“This is where you live?” Martin asked incredulously. Despite his earlier qualms, he had insisted on tagging along. He argued that if he came with me then someone would know what had happened if Mary Alice and her grandmother had put a curse on me or killed me somehow.
“Yeah, why?” Mary Alice asked.
“It’s so… normal,” Martin replied. I wondered if he had ever seen a founder’s house up close
Truthfully, her house looked in better condition than most of the houses in town. The yard was still overgrown, but the house itself was in better condition than the majority of the buildings in town. I wondered to myself what caused them to stop building houses out of brick if most of the wooden structures were rotting and waterlogged.
Mary Alice shrugged. “My family was one of the original settlers here, way back,” she said, as if that was enough of an explanation.
She opened the front door and we all headed inside. As we took our shoes off, I looked at the house around me. It was warm and cozy. The walls in the foyer were covered in old, faded pictures. It looked like most of the photographs were in black and white or sepia toned. A pastel shade of pink wallpaper peeked around the picture frames. Mary Alice’s home was actually more inviting than my own house was.
A delicious smell wafted out of the kitchen and my stomach growled audibly. I flushed with embarrassment as they both turned to look at me. I realized all that I had eaten that day was the cereal my mom had given me for breakfast. With money being as tight as it was, it was actually pretty rare for my mom to send me to school with a lunch and school’s food was barely edible.
“Grammy? I’m home!” Mary Alice called out as she padded across plush carpet towards the kitchen. “I brought some friends, I hope that’s okay.”
Martin and I exchanged a look. Much to Martin’s reluctance, I followed her, and he followed me. In the kitchen, we found an ancient-looking woman standing at an old oven. Right after we entered the kitchen, she turned around and set down a plate of chocolate chip cookies on the kitchen table. We watched as she pulled Mary Alice in for a hug, and planted a kiss on the top of her head.
“Oh, well hello!” she croaked warmly as she greeted us. “How wonderful it is to see you! It’s been far too long since we had guests here. Come in, sit, sit. You look hungry!”
I flushed at the mention of hunger, and it felt like her eyes pierced right through me. “This is Martin and Dewey,” Mary Alice said, sitting down and grabbing a cookie.
“Of course, how lovely to meet you!” Grammy exclaimed. “Make yourselves comfortable, I’ll leave you kids be.” She gave us a wink and hobbled off deeper into the house.
I wasted no time climbing into a chair and snatching a cookie myself. “Are you going to sit or what?”
Martin was still standing in the doorway, frozen. A panicked look crossed his face. Eventually, he forced himself to walk over and climb into a chair next to me. His eyes were so wide I thought they might bug out of his head.
“Have a cookie,” Mary Alice offered as she bit into another one. As I shoved mine into my mouth, it melted on my tongue. I decided then that there was nothing better than fresh baked cookies.
“What if they’re poisoned?” Martin whispered to me. I was sure he hadn’t intended for Mary Alice to hear him, but she rolled her eyes anyway.
“Whatever, more for me,” I told him as I bit into another heavenly cookie. “Sooo… what do you want to do?” I sat back in my chair and looked at both of them.
“Let’s go to my room! We can play a game!” Mary Alice grabbed the plate of cookies and raced down the hall. She scurried up the staircase in the hall before we were even out of our chairs.
Martin and I crept up the stairs, but without Mary Alice to guide us, it felt like we were doing something we weren’t supposed to be. At the top of the stairs, a hallway stretched ahead of us. All of the doors were closed except for one at the end. I wondered if there were other people living here besides Mary Alice and her grandmother, if there were, then who were they? And if there weren’t, then what laid in the rooms beyond those doors? We only had two bedrooms in my house and a closet.
Mary Alice’s room was at the end of the hall, and based on what I had heard about her, it was not what I expected at all. Her walls were painted a lavender color, and she had potted plants lined up in front of two huge windows on the far wall of her room. Her bed was neatly made, no clothes were on the floor, and no toy was out of place. Tall bookcases lined one wall, stretching from the floor to the ceiling. The shelves were so crammed with books, they bowed slightly under the weight. Some of the books were so worn and old that I couldn’t read the spines. A dollhouse sat in one corner, an exact replica of her own house. Overall, her room looked pretty normal.
Mary Alice and I sat down on the floor as she placed the plate of cookies between us on a rug that looked like a daisy. Martin followed us, looking around her room in wonder. He stopped when his eyes fell to her bed. Two needles stuck out of a balled-up mess of yarn.
“You knit?” he scoffed. “Isn’t that for old ladies?”
“I make blankets and donate them to the shelter and the community center,” Mary Alice replied matter-of-factly, giving him a sharp look.
“So what game do we want to play?” I asked, wanting to change the subject. Martin sat down next to me and gingerly took a cookie. His whole demeanor changed as soon as he bit into it.
“Truth or Dare!” Mary Alice exclaimed.
I immediately felt uneasy. I’d never actually played “Truth or Dare before’, but I had heard enough about it to know how easily it could get out of hand.
“Who goes first?” Martin asked nervously. I was pretty sure Martin had never played it either, or he had, and it just hadn’t ended well for him.
“Dewey! Truth or dare?” Mary Alice smiled.
“Uhh, dare, I guess.”
A wicked look crossed her eyes. “I dare you… To stick your tongue in Martin’s ear!”
“What? No!” Martin squirmed, but I knew the rules of the game and I didn’t want to be the first one to refuse a dare, especially this early. I shut my eyes, stuck my tongue out, leaned closer to Martin, and got it over with. The sour taste of earwax lingered in my mouth. Martin looked mortified when I pulled back.
“Okay, um, Martin. It’s your turn now: truth or dare.” I looked over at him. I knew he wasn’t one for risks, so I already knew what he would choose.
“Truth.”
I thought for a while. I knew Martin better than most people, but I also knew Mary Alice would probably tease me if I asked Martin a lame question. The point of the game was to see how far you were willing to go with dares, or to share something about yourself. I decided on one I thought would be pretty tame, since Martin wasn’t much of a risk-taker. “What’s the most embarrassing thing that’s happened to you?”
Martin shifted uncomfortably and I immediately knew whatever he had to share would be more embarrassing than I had anticipated.
“Last summer a bunch of us went swimming in the creek. I had to… um… y’know, fart? But it… um…” Martin’s face was beet red.
Instantly, I knew where this was headed and I wished I had asked him something else.
“That was you?” Mary Alice fell over giggling. “You’re… the one… who… pooped… in the creek?” she asked between laughs.
Martin frowned and looked at her challengingly. I felt a lump grow in my stomach as I realized this had gotten out of hand.
“Mary Alice,” he said firmly. She immediately stopped laughing and sat up. “Truth or dare?”
“Truth,” she said defiantly. There was a twinkle in her eye like she thought she had outwitted him, but my heart stopped when I heard Martin’s question:
“What really happened to your eye?”
A cold silence filled the air. Mary Alice looked down dolefully.
“Mary Alice, you don’t have to-” I started, but Martin’s icy glare cut me off. It was clear he wanted his revenge.
Mary Alice took a deep breath. “So… when I was born, my eyes were two different colors. The other one was red. Like, the iris was red. And my dad…” I watched her bottom lip tremble.
“Mary Alice...” I whispered.
She took a deep breath before continuing. “I don’t really remember, but Grammy says my dad was a paranoid schizophrenic. At some point he stopped taking his medicine and he really didn’t like my eye. He kept saying it was from the devil. One night he took a knife and tried to cut my eye out. My mom tried to stop him and he stabbed her. When she wouldn’t stop bleeding, he ran away. My mom died and they arrested my dad. So now I’m blind in my eye and I live here with my grandma.”
I stared at her, dumbfounded. A sick feeling was twisting around in my stomach. Neither of us knew what to say. What could we say?
“Does it hurt?” Martin whispered. He seemed genuinely appalled at Mary Alice’s story.
She shrugged. “Sometimes it does. I can kind of see things with my blind eye that I can’t with my normal eye. I don’t think anyone else can see it either.
“What kind of things do you see?” I asked.
“I can see when people are bad. Like, you know how when you watch a scary movie, and you get like, that sick feeling and you can just tell when the main character is about to walk into a trap? I get a feeling like that, but also sometimes my eye hurts.”
“Wow, th-” I started to say, but she interrupted me.
“Martin. Truth or dare.” There was a venomous look in her eye. The game was back on and I knew what was going to happen. Martin was silent for a moment. His cheeks flushed and he fidgeted as he weighed his options. I was pretty sure he knew what was coming too.
“Truth,” he finally said meekly.
“Where’s your dad.” It was more of a daring statement than a question. This time, it was Martin’s turn to look down. I already knew what had happened to Martin’s dad, but I was pretty sure no one else did. I’d overheard our parents talking about it, so I knew his mom was pretty embarrassed and wouldn’t talk about it at all.
Finally, Martin opened his mouth. “He ran off with some guy he was having an affair with. I think it was the intern at his job. Apparently, they have like a whole family of their own. My mom thinks it went on the entire time my parents were married, and that my dad helped the guy get a job at his work so they could spend more time together. Apparently, he’s always been gay and my dad says my mom just trapped him by having me.”
“Well, that’s not so bad. What’s wrong with being gay?” Mary Alice asked. But we all knew not all of the residents of Beaver Falls were as understanding. Sometimes it really felt like we were all living under a giant microscope.
I was surprised when Martin kept talking. Every time I had tried to ask him about his dad, Martin always tried to change the subject, so I had stopped trying to push the subject.
“I’ve tried calling him sometimes. It’s pretty rare for the call to actually go through, but when it does go through, it always just goes to his voicemail. He’s never called me back. I haven’t seen him since he left. I got up that morning and went to school, said bye to him before I left, and he was gone before I got home that day. It’s like he doesn’t even care about me anymore like he just replaced us with this brand new family.”
“My dad’s the town drunk,” I piped up, trying to smooth out the tension. Mary Alice and Martin looked up at me, confused. “I can’t remember a day in my life when he wasn’t drinking,” I continued. “He hit my mom last night so hard she has a black eye. He also said he never wanted me and I think if I hadn’t barricaded my door last night, he would have killed me.
I thought my babbling would have smoothed out some of the tension in the room, but instead, there was just more uncomfortable silence. No one knew what to say to each other.
“Well aren’t we a bunch of pathetic outcasts?” Mary Alice chuckled. We all laughed then and spent the next few minutes trying to one-up each other with stories about how awful our home lives were.
“Is it raining?” Martin suddenly exclaimed. We all turned to look at the window. The clouds were so dark they almost looked black and it had indeed started to drizzle.
“Oh no,” I said, scrambling up.
“We gotta go. We got a long walk ahead of us. We gotta go!” Martin also stood up. I gave Mary Alice an apologetic wave and then we both turned and ran out of her room and down the stairs, leaving her on the floor with the cookies. We both hopped around on one foot as we hurriedly tried to pull our shoes on and race out the door.
Next Chapter
2020.09.15 06:43 lsves001 Need words of encouragement
I'm an elementary school sped teacher for a private school. I am teaching 4 days physical and 1 day virtual. I don't think I can do this.
I had my classroom structure set up for my 1st and 2nd graders, then the day before my lesson plans are due (Friday), they tell me I'm getting a new student a fourth grader. So I have to completely reengineer my classroom teaching style because I cannot teach her the same material as my younger students. I had to figure out a way to do both.
My school's lesson plan requirements are elaborate. Standard, objective, focus activity, direct instruction, guided practice, individual practice, assessments, and differentiation all has to be written out in detail. (Ex: assessments cannot just be attached to the file. Questions must be listed out). All aspects of this lesson plan format must be addressed daily. I teach 7 subjects. It takes me 4 hours to get a day's lessons written up.
We are using schoology. It is a brand new platform for us. And although I am quick with technology, it takes a lot of time to figure out how to utilize it and set it up. SO much more than setting up project based learning (what I enjoy) or printing out a worksheet.
We are having so many technical issues that I need a non-tech backup plan.
Some of my students don't engage with computers. I need to plan for that.
I am only allowed to print 15 sheets of paper a day.
I have a deaf student that I have no idea how to teach reading and writing to because I was trained as a gen ed teacher. I do not have time to research it because of the lesson plans.
My kids only wear masks incorrectly half the day despite teaching it daily, doing rewards, and giving general reminders. Forget about social distancing. You ever tried to tell a 6 year old he can't be near his friend? We are in a hot spot. My TA is high risk (age and asthma) I'm at an elevated risk
I am under staffed for the behaviors I'm dealing with. We have to be very close to our students at all times. I have a a runner who is very good at climbing fences (I am very overweight and am not), another student that walks out every 10 minutes.
I have gotten between 2-4 hours of sleep a night (including weekends) since the kids came back just doing paperwork.
I'm a second year teacher. This feels crazy to me. I am working more than I did last year.
I don't think I can do this. Am I being a wuss? Am I being unreasonable? Is public school any better?
I just want to sleep...someone help me get perspective on this.
submitted by lsves001 to teaching [link] [comments]
I had my classroom structure set up for my 1st and 2nd graders, then the day before my lesson plans are due (Friday), they tell me I'm getting a new student a fourth grader. So I have to completely reengineer my classroom teaching style because I cannot teach her the same material as my younger students. I had to figure out a way to do both.
My school's lesson plan requirements are elaborate. Standard, objective, focus activity, direct instruction, guided practice, individual practice, assessments, and differentiation all has to be written out in detail. (Ex: assessments cannot just be attached to the file. Questions must be listed out). All aspects of this lesson plan format must be addressed daily. I teach 7 subjects. It takes me 4 hours to get a day's lessons written up.
We are using schoology. It is a brand new platform for us. And although I am quick with technology, it takes a lot of time to figure out how to utilize it and set it up. SO much more than setting up project based learning (what I enjoy) or printing out a worksheet.
We are having so many technical issues that I need a non-tech backup plan.
Some of my students don't engage with computers. I need to plan for that.
I am only allowed to print 15 sheets of paper a day.
I have a deaf student that I have no idea how to teach reading and writing to because I was trained as a gen ed teacher. I do not have time to research it because of the lesson plans.
My kids only wear masks incorrectly half the day despite teaching it daily, doing rewards, and giving general reminders. Forget about social distancing. You ever tried to tell a 6 year old he can't be near his friend? We are in a hot spot. My TA is high risk (age and asthma) I'm at an elevated risk
I am under staffed for the behaviors I'm dealing with. We have to be very close to our students at all times. I have a a runner who is very good at climbing fences (I am very overweight and am not), another student that walks out every 10 minutes.
I have gotten between 2-4 hours of sleep a night (including weekends) since the kids came back just doing paperwork.
I'm a second year teacher. This feels crazy to me. I am working more than I did last year.
I don't think I can do this. Am I being a wuss? Am I being unreasonable? Is public school any better?
I just want to sleep...someone help me get perspective on this.
2020.08.09 16:22 throwRAfivehundredth My twin (16F) wants to throw away our friendship with an about-to-be friend (16F) because of differing political views.
Hello Reddit.
(Tl;dr at the bottom)
Let me explain.
I'm shy. I (16M) don't talk much. I don't have many friends, and the few friends I've made were with my twin. My twin, on the other hand, has plenty of friends online and doesn't have as much trouble speaking in public.
Let's call this potential friend Mary. Mary moved to the area about a year ago, and we were classmates. We only met up rarely and didn't see each other much outside of school. ("We" being my sister, me, and Mary.) Now that Corona's hit, we went months without contacting each other, so our parents decided that was unacceptable and organized a walk. (Not the best idea with a full-blown pandemic and considering that Mary has asthma so she's high-risk, but whatever. The area we live in isn't crowded and there haven't been any cases.)
My sister and I left the house at around 7 PM with masks and a strict command to maintain social distancing. Ten minutes into the walk, we met up with Mary. Asked her how her summer's been, volunteered to give her algebra 2 practice worksheets, talked about potential electives needed to get into the field of chemical engineering, you know, the usual thing kids talk about. Around thirty minutes after that, my sister changed the subject to politics. Again. I think there's nothing wrong with talking about politics with friends, as long as the discussion is kept calm and diplomatic, and let me tell you, this one wasn't. She forced her opinion at Mary in an almost-threatening way and repeated it over and over again. Mary and I tried to calm her down, but the argument became heated, and my sister said she wouldn't be friends with someone who defends Trump. My sister has a staunch belief in liberal views, such as human rights, BLM, and thinking Trump (and Republicans) are awful people. That's not an issue with me - I support human rights and BLM, and to each their own about liking Trump, I guess. The thing is, I support most everything she says - I just don't support her forcing her views on other people. I understand that there are a lot of conspiracies about BLM, and that's why a lot of people don't like it. I also understand that not all people want to focus on or care about human rights. I understand and respect different views, and that's why I find it so baffling that my sister would throw away a potential friendship because of something so childish as having different political views.
I'm not even sure about what Mary believes politically; she said she preferred not to say (she's undecided) and my sister assumed this meant she supported Trump.
The problem is that every time we meet someone for the first time, my sister always seems to be testing them and checking if they agree with her political views, and thinks they're racist people if they don't. She did this to two other friends with me there but it didn't turn out as disastrous because they, fortunately, believed in what she said.
I apologized to Mary through text, but I'm not sure if she'll get the message as she doesn't check her phone/use electronics often. So I'm planning to write her a letter of apology and drop it off at her house along with some origami dragons, the ones she likes. My mom has already apologized to Mary's mom over text. Both of my parents had a long discussion with my sister about how it's inappropriate to talk politics with friends, and that it's important to keep all conversations civilized. Unfortunately, nothing came out of that discussion.
And I know this sounds stupid because we're kids and shouldn't be arguing about politics, but I don't want to lose a potential friend, because I like Mary. (platonically ye idiots)
Also, I don't think I need to tell you guys this, because most of you are probably much older than I am - but don't get into arguments about politics, please and thank you. Be civilized.
Furthermore, please politely inform me in the comments if anything I said regarding political views was offensive or incorrect, and I'll gladly make amends.
And just in case you needed to hear this, I am in no way attracted to Mary at all. I think I might be aromantic, but whatever. Not the point of this post. This is purely a friendship problem.
(Sorry for any grammatical errors; English isn't my first language.)
(Tl;dr: My twin forces her political opinion on new friends, and that doesn't allow me to make friends. What should I do?)
submitted by throwRAfivehundredth to relationship_advice [link] [comments]
(Tl;dr at the bottom)
Let me explain.
I'm shy. I (16M) don't talk much. I don't have many friends, and the few friends I've made were with my twin. My twin, on the other hand, has plenty of friends online and doesn't have as much trouble speaking in public.
Let's call this potential friend Mary. Mary moved to the area about a year ago, and we were classmates. We only met up rarely and didn't see each other much outside of school. ("We" being my sister, me, and Mary.) Now that Corona's hit, we went months without contacting each other, so our parents decided that was unacceptable and organized a walk. (Not the best idea with a full-blown pandemic and considering that Mary has asthma so she's high-risk, but whatever. The area we live in isn't crowded and there haven't been any cases.)
My sister and I left the house at around 7 PM with masks and a strict command to maintain social distancing. Ten minutes into the walk, we met up with Mary. Asked her how her summer's been, volunteered to give her algebra 2 practice worksheets, talked about potential electives needed to get into the field of chemical engineering, you know, the usual thing kids talk about. Around thirty minutes after that, my sister changed the subject to politics. Again. I think there's nothing wrong with talking about politics with friends, as long as the discussion is kept calm and diplomatic, and let me tell you, this one wasn't. She forced her opinion at Mary in an almost-threatening way and repeated it over and over again. Mary and I tried to calm her down, but the argument became heated, and my sister said she wouldn't be friends with someone who defends Trump. My sister has a staunch belief in liberal views, such as human rights, BLM, and thinking Trump (and Republicans) are awful people. That's not an issue with me - I support human rights and BLM, and to each their own about liking Trump, I guess. The thing is, I support most everything she says - I just don't support her forcing her views on other people. I understand that there are a lot of conspiracies about BLM, and that's why a lot of people don't like it. I also understand that not all people want to focus on or care about human rights. I understand and respect different views, and that's why I find it so baffling that my sister would throw away a potential friendship because of something so childish as having different political views.
I'm not even sure about what Mary believes politically; she said she preferred not to say (she's undecided) and my sister assumed this meant she supported Trump.
The problem is that every time we meet someone for the first time, my sister always seems to be testing them and checking if they agree with her political views, and thinks they're racist people if they don't. She did this to two other friends with me there but it didn't turn out as disastrous because they, fortunately, believed in what she said.
I apologized to Mary through text, but I'm not sure if she'll get the message as she doesn't check her phone/use electronics often. So I'm planning to write her a letter of apology and drop it off at her house along with some origami dragons, the ones she likes. My mom has already apologized to Mary's mom over text. Both of my parents had a long discussion with my sister about how it's inappropriate to talk politics with friends, and that it's important to keep all conversations civilized. Unfortunately, nothing came out of that discussion.
And I know this sounds stupid because we're kids and shouldn't be arguing about politics, but I don't want to lose a potential friend, because I like Mary. (platonically ye idiots)
Also, I don't think I need to tell you guys this, because most of you are probably much older than I am - but don't get into arguments about politics, please and thank you. Be civilized.
Furthermore, please politely inform me in the comments if anything I said regarding political views was offensive or incorrect, and I'll gladly make amends.
And just in case you needed to hear this, I am in no way attracted to Mary at all. I think I might be aromantic, but whatever. Not the point of this post. This is purely a friendship problem.
(Sorry for any grammatical errors; English isn't my first language.)
(Tl;dr: My twin forces her political opinion on new friends, and that doesn't allow me to make friends. What should I do?)
2020.04.09 18:09 Sageofprofession My Nurse N-like Mom is trying to grab attention through fake news during this pandemic
First a disclaimer: my mom has never been formally diagnosed with narcissism. However over the years there have been so many signs and behaviors that she's displayed that I'm comfortable enough to say that she most likely is one. With that out of the way, I can get started.
My mom is a nurse. She's been one before I was born and, once me and my sister were old enough, she went back to school to get retrained and to re-earn her license. I can't speak to the quality of care she provided first hand but I can speak to the stories of what some of her coworkers told me when I was an adult. From what I understand, my mom was known for exaggerating things at work. They've told me that my mom has reported patients as 'violent, uncooperative, unwilling to follow doctor prescribed treatment routines.' They almost always were model patients, along with their families. She's claimed the doctors she worked with were frequently careless and she was constantly catching errors on prescriptions. They were not, and my mom apparently only caught one error in the 4 years she worked in her ward.
Her nursing career though came to a halt when she claimed a patient purposefully injured her while she was lifting them. In her words, they did this by struggling and wriggling about, and then by pushing her. Again, from her coworkers who were there, apparently the true story was my mom tried to lift a heavy patient without assistance and using improper technique. She was written up for unprofessional patient care (or whatever the proper term was) by her supervisor but went full narc and intimidated and harassed the supervisor into retracting the report.
Regardless of what happened, I remember very clearly what came next. My mom said she sustained a pretty serious shoulder injury from that. I remember ranting and raving how rehab wasn't doing anything, how she was constantly in pain, how she couldn't do any work anymore. She was constantly self diagnosing, constantly second guessing her doctor. With regards to her work mandated physiotherapy she constantly came home from appointments and threw out the exercise worksheets. My dad would pull them out of the trash, but my mom would refuse to do them.
As my mom tried to recover from this, I distinctly remember that she started to see multiple doctors in rapid succession. She was complaining about a cough, about having troubles breathing. However none of her friends outside of work never heard of this, she never told anyone but our family and the health authority she was employed by. I now realize in retrospect that she was shopping for a specific diagnosis, something she's done before (that's a story for another time). Eventually she was diagnosed with asthma and she received an inhaler, one that her doctor was on her constantly for never ever using.
Because of her asthma and her persistent shoulder injury she's moved away from active treatment of patients to helping coordinating post hospital care for patients with ongoing recovery plans. From what I understand she's been a pain in the ass there too, constantly demanding recognition for even the smallest of tasks, and just being the bane of her manager's existence while making sure she's never stepping outside of the rules, though apparently there have been some complaints that I can't hear about (confidentiality and whatnot). I lost track of her activity when I moved out and stopped answering her calls. Ever since then my life has improved a thousand-fold without her and everyone one in my immediate family, from my dad to my siblings all have said similar things.
Fast forwards now to today, with the COVID-19 pandemic and my mom is back at it. From what I hear, she's telling everyone that will listen that her health authority is forcing her to work with COVID patients despite her having asthma and being at risk. She's been ranting and raving on Facebook about how she's been placed in serious danger by them and she's 'probably going to end up dead' because of the 'slave drivers' behind this, and how her union isn't doing enough, that they only care about 'real nurses' not the behind the scenes ones like her. She's already boasting she's got several followers on Facebook, and I've seen the posts she's made being shared by conspiracy nutjobs, and she's actively encouraging people to mistrust the health authorities during this pandemic. The one problem that she's not talking about is that while she is indeed working with COVID patients, she's doing so over the phone, from the comfort of her own home. Again, stories coming from my friend who works with her is that my mom instantly insisted that she work from home and took a work laptop without permission as soon as there was talk about work-from-home arrangements with non-front line workers with the health authority.
She's been working at home ever since, she's never left her home save for groceries and visits to her friends, though even her friends have started asking me to convince her to stay at home and stop coming to their houses. My mom has never been forced into direct physical contact with a COVID patient, something she's admitted to me directly, but she keeps insisting that 'it's going to happen someday,' like she's going to be a martyr or something, and that they're forcing 'hundreds of at risk nurses' to work directly with COVID-19 cases. In the process, she's undermining every bit of public confidence the health authority has, just for a bit of attention for herself. I'm doing what I can, taking screenshots of the false claims she's making and sending them to the health authority but I'm seriously worried about the long term damage she's doing to their reputation and the trust that they so desperately need right now.
submitted by Sageofprofession to raisedbynarcissists [link] [comments]
My mom is a nurse. She's been one before I was born and, once me and my sister were old enough, she went back to school to get retrained and to re-earn her license. I can't speak to the quality of care she provided first hand but I can speak to the stories of what some of her coworkers told me when I was an adult. From what I understand, my mom was known for exaggerating things at work. They've told me that my mom has reported patients as 'violent, uncooperative, unwilling to follow doctor prescribed treatment routines.' They almost always were model patients, along with their families. She's claimed the doctors she worked with were frequently careless and she was constantly catching errors on prescriptions. They were not, and my mom apparently only caught one error in the 4 years she worked in her ward.
Her nursing career though came to a halt when she claimed a patient purposefully injured her while she was lifting them. In her words, they did this by struggling and wriggling about, and then by pushing her. Again, from her coworkers who were there, apparently the true story was my mom tried to lift a heavy patient without assistance and using improper technique. She was written up for unprofessional patient care (or whatever the proper term was) by her supervisor but went full narc and intimidated and harassed the supervisor into retracting the report.
Regardless of what happened, I remember very clearly what came next. My mom said she sustained a pretty serious shoulder injury from that. I remember ranting and raving how rehab wasn't doing anything, how she was constantly in pain, how she couldn't do any work anymore. She was constantly self diagnosing, constantly second guessing her doctor. With regards to her work mandated physiotherapy she constantly came home from appointments and threw out the exercise worksheets. My dad would pull them out of the trash, but my mom would refuse to do them.
As my mom tried to recover from this, I distinctly remember that she started to see multiple doctors in rapid succession. She was complaining about a cough, about having troubles breathing. However none of her friends outside of work never heard of this, she never told anyone but our family and the health authority she was employed by. I now realize in retrospect that she was shopping for a specific diagnosis, something she's done before (that's a story for another time). Eventually she was diagnosed with asthma and she received an inhaler, one that her doctor was on her constantly for never ever using.
Because of her asthma and her persistent shoulder injury she's moved away from active treatment of patients to helping coordinating post hospital care for patients with ongoing recovery plans. From what I understand she's been a pain in the ass there too, constantly demanding recognition for even the smallest of tasks, and just being the bane of her manager's existence while making sure she's never stepping outside of the rules, though apparently there have been some complaints that I can't hear about (confidentiality and whatnot). I lost track of her activity when I moved out and stopped answering her calls. Ever since then my life has improved a thousand-fold without her and everyone one in my immediate family, from my dad to my siblings all have said similar things.
Fast forwards now to today, with the COVID-19 pandemic and my mom is back at it. From what I hear, she's telling everyone that will listen that her health authority is forcing her to work with COVID patients despite her having asthma and being at risk. She's been ranting and raving on Facebook about how she's been placed in serious danger by them and she's 'probably going to end up dead' because of the 'slave drivers' behind this, and how her union isn't doing enough, that they only care about 'real nurses' not the behind the scenes ones like her. She's already boasting she's got several followers on Facebook, and I've seen the posts she's made being shared by conspiracy nutjobs, and she's actively encouraging people to mistrust the health authorities during this pandemic. The one problem that she's not talking about is that while she is indeed working with COVID patients, she's doing so over the phone, from the comfort of her own home. Again, stories coming from my friend who works with her is that my mom instantly insisted that she work from home and took a work laptop without permission as soon as there was talk about work-from-home arrangements with non-front line workers with the health authority.
She's been working at home ever since, she's never left her home save for groceries and visits to her friends, though even her friends have started asking me to convince her to stay at home and stop coming to their houses. My mom has never been forced into direct physical contact with a COVID patient, something she's admitted to me directly, but she keeps insisting that 'it's going to happen someday,' like she's going to be a martyr or something, and that they're forcing 'hundreds of at risk nurses' to work directly with COVID-19 cases. In the process, she's undermining every bit of public confidence the health authority has, just for a bit of attention for herself. I'm doing what I can, taking screenshots of the false claims she's making and sending them to the health authority but I'm seriously worried about the long term damage she's doing to their reputation and the trust that they so desperately need right now.
2020.01.29 00:41 sophiablack I was granted 1 week medical leave for mental health from an extremely high stress job — what should be my priorities?
Part (okay, most) of me wants to binge watch Buffy for a week straight but I know I have some work to do for myself.
I’m taking time off because I work an extremely high stress/high profile job (with very understanding supervisors and coworkers). While the job itself is not too much for me to handle (and I genuinely love it), there were a few personal and work related things that happened in 2019 that really threw me off my game and I’ve been playing catch up ever since, while also dealing with a nasty bout of depression, heightened generalized anxiety, and a major increase in panic attacks.
I’m prescribed 450mg of Wellbutrin (which I lowered to 300mg because of anxiety), 2mg of Xanax, and 30-36mg of Ritalin/concerta (one or the other, never both — and lately, neither, because they also increase anxiety) per day. My doctor is a pill pusher (god bless his soul) and basically just meets with me every few months to make sure I’m not dead. Frankly I love it as I’m not exactly comfortable talking about my feelings. I know talk therapy is great and I should be doing it — I plan to, I’m just not there yet.
Back to my time off:
I do intend to spend some of it actually catching up on the work that I’m behind on because I know that is the major cause of my spiking anxiety lately.
As for my depression and generalized anxiety, I also have a book on CBT that has assignments and worksheets, I plan on doing that start to finish.
Also lots of yoga, reading, fixing up little things around the house, and just generally working to better myself as a human and to spruce up my living space.
I don’t have junk food in the house and thankfully had the foresight to prep healthy breakfasts and lunches for each day, because when I’m feeling down I forget to eat and that just makes me feel worse. If I’m feeling up to it, my husband and I will cook dinner together in the evenings (but more often than not I’ll be in bed by 8 because that’s how my anxious-depressive brain works).
I live very near a gorgeous park but it’s cold (I’m in NYC) and honestly when I’m feeling like this the absolute last thing I want to do is leave the house. Which I also know means it would be good for me to get outside. But like I said it’s cold, and I have asthma, so that’s up in the air.
Which brings me to my question: What would you do if you were in my position and had a week to center yourself and focus on improving your mental and emotional health? Should my primary focus be catching up on the work I fell behind on since that’s what’s triggering the panic attacks? Or should I give myself a break and engage in healthy habits? What practices and rituals help you with anxiety and depression?
TL;DR: I have a week off of work for mental health. What are the most constructive ways to spend my time?
Thank you in advance.
submitted by sophiablack to mentalhealth [link] [comments]
I’m taking time off because I work an extremely high stress/high profile job (with very understanding supervisors and coworkers). While the job itself is not too much for me to handle (and I genuinely love it), there were a few personal and work related things that happened in 2019 that really threw me off my game and I’ve been playing catch up ever since, while also dealing with a nasty bout of depression, heightened generalized anxiety, and a major increase in panic attacks.
I’m prescribed 450mg of Wellbutrin (which I lowered to 300mg because of anxiety), 2mg of Xanax, and 30-36mg of Ritalin/concerta (one or the other, never both — and lately, neither, because they also increase anxiety) per day. My doctor is a pill pusher (god bless his soul) and basically just meets with me every few months to make sure I’m not dead. Frankly I love it as I’m not exactly comfortable talking about my feelings. I know talk therapy is great and I should be doing it — I plan to, I’m just not there yet.
Back to my time off:
I do intend to spend some of it actually catching up on the work that I’m behind on because I know that is the major cause of my spiking anxiety lately.
As for my depression and generalized anxiety, I also have a book on CBT that has assignments and worksheets, I plan on doing that start to finish.
Also lots of yoga, reading, fixing up little things around the house, and just generally working to better myself as a human and to spruce up my living space.
I don’t have junk food in the house and thankfully had the foresight to prep healthy breakfasts and lunches for each day, because when I’m feeling down I forget to eat and that just makes me feel worse. If I’m feeling up to it, my husband and I will cook dinner together in the evenings (but more often than not I’ll be in bed by 8 because that’s how my anxious-depressive brain works).
I live very near a gorgeous park but it’s cold (I’m in NYC) and honestly when I’m feeling like this the absolute last thing I want to do is leave the house. Which I also know means it would be good for me to get outside. But like I said it’s cold, and I have asthma, so that’s up in the air.
Which brings me to my question: What would you do if you were in my position and had a week to center yourself and focus on improving your mental and emotional health? Should my primary focus be catching up on the work I fell behind on since that’s what’s triggering the panic attacks? Or should I give myself a break and engage in healthy habits? What practices and rituals help you with anxiety and depression?
TL;DR: I have a week off of work for mental health. What are the most constructive ways to spend my time?
Thank you in advance.
2019.09.18 14:44 JuniperPublishers-RS Six Minute Walk Test as a Criteria for Evaluation of Functional Status and Disability by One Time Single Measurement of Distance Walked in Six Minutes for Breathless Patients-Juniper publishers
 | submitted by JuniperPublishers-RS to u/JuniperPublishers-RS [link] [comments] Juniper publishers- International Journal of Pulmonary & Respiratory Abstract6 Minute Walk Test is increasingly used in clinical practice, as an objective measurement of functional status in patients with moderate to severe impairment. It is one of the simple tests of low complexity that measures the distance a patient can walk in 6 minutes. The 6MWT is useful to assess response to medical interventions, prognosis and as single measurement of functional status in cardio respiratory disability.Objective: There are few studies done in India that prompted us to do this study with the objective to evaluate functional status and disability by one-time measurement of 6-minute walk distance in patients with complains of breathlessness. Methods: 121 Patients with complains of breathlessness were registered for the study between June 2010 to July 2011. Test procedures, purpose of the study were explained to participants. The materials used, patient’s preparation and layout was done using ATS-2002 guidelines. The participants were asked to walk at their self-selected pace, attempting to cover as much distance as possible in 6 minutes. The total distance walked in 6 minutes was recorded. Result: 121 patients were evaluated. Mean age, height and weight was 56.75 years, 161.80cm and 64.93 kg respectively. 101 patients completed the test, mean 6MWD was 390.08 meters (males 410.45, females 356.13m). 6MWD was significantly decreased in cardio-pulmonary diseases. Conclusion: In our study we demonstrated that 6MWT can be safely performed even in patients with advanced cardiopulmonary conditions. It is a useful marker for the severity, progression and prognosis. Keywords: 6MWT; 6MWD; Incremental Scuttle Walk Test; Cycle-Ergomerty, Cardiac Stress Test; CPET; PFT Introduction Walk testing was first advocated by “Balke” in 1963 to assess physical fitness. K. H. Cooper used 12MWT in healthy air force personnel to demonstrate a strong correlation between maximal oxygen consumption and maximal exercise testing. McGavin used walk test to assess disability in COPD patients. 6MWT was introduced as functional exercise test by Lipkin in 1986 which correlated with those of 12MWT and cycle ergometry or treadmill. Although PFT continues to play a major role in management and research (FEV1and FVC is used to assess severity of breathlessness). The effectiveness and reliability of the 6MWT became the most widely accepted protocol to assess functional dusability. Walking is a measure of functional status of daily activities. 6MWT is practical, simple, requires the ability to walk. The distance a patient walks on a flat surface in 6 minutes is used as a one-time measurement of functional status, or improvement during rehabilitation. The test is self-paced, reflects the exercise level needed for daily tasks [1], can be done by a technician. In 2002 ATS [1] outlined guidelines for 6MWT which reviewed the physiological response to exercise. Guidelines were used to limit controllable factors for variability (use of practice test, oxygen and medications prior to or duringtesting).Technician does not walk with the patient to avoid influencing the patient’s pace. Indications
Inclusion CriteriaStable patient’s between13-85 years of age with complaints of breathlessness.Exclusion CriteriaMyocardial Infarction in the preceding month, unstable angina, resting heart rate>120/min, systolic BP >180 mm Hg, diastolic BP >100 mm Hg, syncope, arthritis, skeletal or neuromuscular diseases. Stable angina is not an absolute contraindication (after taking anti angina drugs).Test ProcedureThe test was performed on a flat surface corridor of 15-meter length (recommendation is 15-30 meters) marked with small cones at the starting and end points and at every 3m distance, the time and laps were recorded on a worksheet. Patients were asked to wear comfortable clothes, take light meals, to sit for 10 minutes at the starting point for check on contraindication, informed written consent was taken and details of test procedure and risk associated were explained. Medical history with clinical examination was undertaken along with BMI, BP, Borg scores for dyspnoea and fatigue with resting heart, respiratory rate and SPO2 were recorded after 10 minute’s rest, and after completion of the test. Spirometry was performed and data collected as per ATS guidelines. The patients were asked to walk while attempting to cover as much distance as possible in 6 minutes.MeasurementThe total distance walked in meters in 6 minutes with number of rest and stops during the test were also recorded.Statistical AnalysisStatistical analysis was performed with statistical software SPSS (Statistical Package for Social Sciences). The distribution of continuous variables was used for normality. The data were presented as mean+SD, except where otherwise specified. Rates and proportions were analyzed by Fisher’s exact test and x2 test of general association where appropriate. The data were checked for normality using Kolmogorov Smirnov Z-test for individual variables of all groups. Pearson product correlation was used to assess for relationships among appropriate variables, two sample student- t test with assumption of unequal variance measured during 6MWT alone (age, sex, height, weight, body mass index), distance ambulated, resting and exercise heart rate, blood pressure, respiratory rate, oxygen saturation were evaluated for their association with 6MWD by first univariate analysis with the spearman’s correlation test and then adjusted to multivariate analysis using stepwise multiple linear regression. To determine entry and removal of candidate variables from the model P-values of 0.05 and 0.01 were used respectively. Kaplan- Meier method was used to compare patients by categories of 6MWD (<149- severe, 150-249 moderate, 250-349 mild, >350 normal). 6MWD measured in our study was compared with predicted 6MWD derived from the studies of Enright PL & Sherrill DL [3] for healthy adults.Optimal reference equationsFrom healthy population based samples using 6MWD methods are not yet available, several authors [1-16], determined factors affecting 6MWD in healthy adults and proposes the reference equation or normative data for 6MWT outcome (Table 1). When 6MWD is reduced a thorough search for the cause of the impairment should be made i.e. PFT, Cardiac function, anklearm index, muscle-strength, nutritional status, orthopaedic and cognitive function.Interpreting the resultsOnce 6MWD for a given patient is available we have calculated the predicted distance using equation from published studies of healthy people of same age group much like spirometry.ResultPatient’scharacteristicsTable1 shows the physiological characteristics of the patients and their relation with 6MWD. We evaluated 121 patients between 13-85 years of age, 32 smokers. 108 had respiratory disease, 12 had cardiac disease, most of the patients completed the test. Mean age, height and weight were 56.75+15.054years, 161.80+8.352cm, 64.93+14.633kg respectively. Mean FEV1%, FVC%, and FEV1/FVC% were 63.49+18.837, 63.7+16.230, and 99.72% respectively.As per pulmonary function test41(33.58%) patients had obstructive airways disease of which 20 (18.2%) had mild, 16 (13.2%) moderate and 5 (4.1%) had severe obstruction. 43 (35.53%) had restrictive disease of which 27 (22.3%) had mild, 13 (10.7%) moderate, and 3 (2.5%) had severe restriction.15 (12.40%) had combined obstructive and restrictive disorder of which 3 (2.5%) had mild, 7 (5.8%) moderate and 5 (4.1%) had severe disorder,22 (18.18%) had normal spirometry. Mean 6MWD was 390.08+143.211m (range 264.769-533.29). 51 patients walked >400m, 24 between 300- 400m, 19 between 200-300m, 11 between 100-200m, and 2 patients walked <100 m.a) In males: Total patients were 75, mean age, height and weight were 58.36+16.460years, 166.23+5.675cm, 64.44kg+13.850 respectively. Mean FEV1%, FVC% and FEV1/ FVC% were 61.31+18.919, 63.12+15.615, 96.90%+18.88277. 6MWD was 410.45+146.000m (264.45-556.45). b) In females: Total patients were 46, mean age, height and weight were, 54.13+12.143yrs, 154.59+6.872cm, 65.74+15.952kg. Mean FEV1%, FVC% and FEV1/FVC% were 67.00+18.365, 64.65+17.30, 104.2579+14.01720 respectively. 6MWD was 356.13+133.164m (222.966-489.294) 6MWD was lower in females. Disease wise 6MWD (Table 2 & Figure 1) was 290.8+121.997m (89-411) in COPD, 207+112.834m (100-430) in IPAH, 330.72+120.906 m (151-525) in ILD, 385.45+141.408 m (198-55)in CHF,473.00+106.828m (250-655) in BA, 418+114.698 m (146-655) in Bronchiectesis. 101 (83.40%) patients completed 6MWT of which 31(30%) had to stop during walking for few seconds but resumed walking, 20 (16.50%) patients could not complete the test, and the test had to be terminated the various reasons were breathlessness, giddiness, fatigue, tiredness, chest heaviness, drop in saturation. As per reference [6] 55 (46%) patients achieved lower limit of normal (LLN), 15 (12.50%) achieved target walk distance. Disease wise COPD 4(19%), ILD 8 (44.44%), PHT 2 (28.37%), CHD 8 (90%), Sarcoidosis 4 (80%), Bronchiectasis 4 (44.44%) and B.A. 22 (60%) patients achieved LLN.1 patient achieved target walk distance in COPD, ILD 3 (16.66%), Sarcoidosis 2 (40%), PHT 1(14.30%), Bronchial Asthma 9 (24.32%) and others 1(14.30%) could achieved target walk distance. Correlation between 6MWD and various physiological and pulmonary parameters(Tabb 3) Male tend to be significantly taller and BMI less than female. Significant positive correlation found between 6MWD and height (p<0.002, r-=o.285) and weight (p<0.016, r = 0.219), but no correlation was found between 6MWD and B.M.I. Significant negative correlation found between age (p=0.000, r =0.387), Borg score of dyspnoea, fatigue (p=0.000, r =0.659), and MMRC score of dyspnea (p=0.000, r=0.455), (correlation was more significant post-test for Borg and MMRC Score (p=0.000, r=0.687 and p=0.000, r=0.613) and smoking (p<0.030, r=0.211). Significant positive correlation found between spirometry values FEV1% and FVC% (p=0.000, r=0.404, P=0.000, r=0.484 respectively) and SPO2 pre and post-test (p=0.000, r 0.382, p=0.000, r=0.439 respectively.DiscussionThe ability to walk for a distance is an easy way to measure exercise capacity in patients with cardiac-pulmonary diseases. 6MWT is found to be an effective way of assessing exercise tolerance. We evaluated 121 adults, mean 6MWD was 390.80+143.211m, males cover more distance than females. We compared 6MWD with several studies done world over in healthy adults1-16 (Table 4). A reference equation published by Enright & Sherril [3] found that age, gender height, and weight were independent factor associated with 6MWD. They administered 6MWT to 117 healthy man and 173 healthy women aged 40 to 80 years, the median distance walked was 576 m for man and 494 m for women. We selected this reference [3] equation for computation of 6MWD in our study: For Men: 6MWD= (7.57x height in cm)-(5.02x age in yrs.)-(1.76xwt.)-309, alternative using B.M.I 1140m-(5.61X B.M.I.)-(6.94x age). For women: 6MWD= (2.11x height in cm) – (2.29 x wt. in kg) - (1.76x age in yrs.)+667, alternative using B.M.I.: 1017m–(6.24x B.M.I.)– (5.85x age in years) when using either equations we subtracted 153 m for men and 139 m for women as lower limit of normal (LLN). In our study mean 6MWD was 390+143.211m. The mean 6MWD values described in various studies1-16, was 613+93m and 659+62m in western and Caucasian healthy subjects respectively, compared to above studies our results were 62% (lower by 38% than western studies).There are two studies done in Indian healthy adults: Devshyam, et al [15] (281 healthy subjects mean 6MWD was 480+62.33m), and Sivaranjani SS, et al [16] (60 healthy subjects mean 6MWD was 445+55.64m ) compared to these two studies our mean 6MWD were 82% and 87% lower by 18% and 13% respectively.Disease Specific Discussion (Table 5))COPD: The FEV1 is often used to grade the severity of disease; however patients with COPD have systemic manifestations that are not reflected by the FEV1%. Several factors have been identified that predict poor survival in COPD these includes low FEV1, active smoking, hypoxemia, poor nutrition, presence of corpulmonale, resting tachycardia, lower exercise capacity, severe dyspnea, poor health related quality of life, anemia, frequent exacerbations, co-morbid illness, and low DLCO. Patients with FEV1 <35% predicted have about 10% mortality per year, if patient reports that they are unable to walk 100 meters without stopping because of breathlessness, the 5-year survival is only 30%. A multidimensional prognostic index \[17\] that takes into account several indicators of COPD prognosis are the BODE Index. Inclusion of 6MWD along with FEV1, dyspnea rating and BMI into a 10-point index was better at predicting mortality in COPD than FEV1 alone. B.R. Celli, Cote C.G., JM Martin et al. \[18\] evaluated 207 patients and found that above four factors predicted the risk of death in this cohort: in which a higher score indicates a higher risk of death. The hazard ratio (HR) for death from any cause increased by 1.34 per point increase in BODE INDEX (95% confidence interval 1.26 to 1.42, p<0.001) and HR for respiratory cause was 1.62 (95% confidence interval-1.48 to 1.77, p<0.001). “0” point is given for 6MWD >350 m, 1point for 250-349 m, 2 points for 150-249 m, and 3 points for <149 m. This demonstrate the independent role that exercise capacity measured by 6MWT has in predicting mortality in COPD. In our study we had 21 patients of COPD 18 male (all were smokers), 3 female (non-smokers), mean 6MWD was 290.81meters (range 89 to 401 meters), 9 patients could not complete 6MWT due to dyspnea, fall in saturation, only one patient could achieved Target 6MWD (100%), as per ref 6 equation 3 patients could not achieve lower limit of normal distance walk, 4 patients walked <149 meters only (3 points), 4 patients walked between 150- 249 meters (2 points), 6 patients walked between 250-349 meters (1 point) and 7 patients walked > 350 meters (0 point). As per BODE INDEX: 2 patients had score of “10”, 2 patients had score of “9”, 1 patient had score of “8”, 5 patients had score of “7”, 2 patients had score of “5”, 9 patients had score of “2-4”. A BODE score > 7 is associated with 30% 2 years’ mortality, where as a score of 5-6 is associated with 15% 2 years’ mortality, if BODE score is<5 the 2 years’ mortality is less than 10%. In our study 10 patients had BODE score of >7, 2 patients had score of 5, and 9 patients had score<5 that can predict 2 yrs.Idiopathic Pulmonary Arterial Hypertension: In patients with Idiopathic pulmonary hypertension 6MWD was significantly but modestly related with New York Heart association functional class, baseline cardiac output, pulmonary vascular resistance, but not mean pulmonary artery pressure. A study done by Shoichi Miyamoto, John Satohet, et al [22] in 43 patients with pulmonary hypertension together with echocardiography, right heart catheterization and measurement of plasma epinephrine and norepinephrine. Symptom related cardiopulmonary exercise performed in a sub sample of patients (n=27) distance walked in 6 minutes was significantly shorter in patients than in age and sex matched subjects (297+188 versus 655+91m, p<0.001). The distance walked had strong significant correlation with CPET parameters. Among the various parameters only 6MWD <332 meters independently related to mortality by multivariate analysis. Patients had a lower survival than those walking further. In our study we had 7 patients of pulmonary hypertension out of which 5 patients walked <250 meters and 2 walked < 140 meters, indicating higher mortality. In another study done by Paciocco G, et al \[23\] 6 MWD <300 meters and reduction of saturation >10% at the end of 6MWT was associated with increased mortality with an HR of 2.4 and 2.9 respectively. In our study 7 patients of pulmonary hypertension 5 patients walked < 300m with 2 patients desaturases >10% at the end of the test which is quite significant. Bronchiectasis: Total 9 patients (5male, 4female) 2patients could not complete the test due to drop in saturation, tachypnea, and dyspnea, 4 patients could not achieve lower limit of normal distance, 8 patients could not achieve Target walk distance, 4 patients had > 4% drop in saturation. In a study by Lee A31 6MWD severity of disease and HRQOL had a stronger association compared to physiological measures of disease severity. Sarcoidosis: 5 patients with mean 6MWD-543.0 +87.293m all patients walked > 400m and achieved lower limit of normal walk distance, only one patient achieved Target walk distance, all had > 4% drop in saturation during 6MWT but all completed 6MWT, 3 patients became tachyponic with respiratory rate>24/ mt. In a study done by Bittener, et al [31] for 26 Saudi patients with pulmonary sarcoidosis all completed 6MWT female covered shorter distance than males, lowered Spo2 at end of test than others, mean 6MWD for entire cohort was 364m, females < than males [343m (223-389) vs 416m (352-500m), with significant lower Spo2 at end of 6MWT than male [90.5% (61-99%) vs 96% (75-98%). In our study there was no such difference seen in distance walked in 6 minutes but all patients had drop in saturation >4% which is significant [33-36]. Bronchial Asthma: 37 patients (18 male, 19 female), 1had severe, 7 moderate, 14 mild, 15 patients had normal disease, all had completed 6MWT, 8 male and 4 female became tachyponic with 8 had >4% drop in saturation, 33 patients walked >350 m, 4 walked between 150-249m, 10 patients could not achieved lower limit of normal (LLN) as per reference equation, all had long standing Bronchial Asthma.In a study done by AL Ameri35 for respiratory disease patients 6MWD was significantly correlated with FEV1 patients. Other patients: (1Carcinoma lung, 2RADS, 1Tuberculosis, 2CKD, 1Pneumonectomy all patients completed the test except 1T.B. patient), 5 walked >350m, 1 between 250-349 m, 1<249m (150-249). Conclusion In our study we demonstrated that 6MWT can be safely performed. Its validity reliability, and reproducibility were studied in several populations world over [1-16]. As per our knowledge this is one of the study done in Indian population, with no untoward events or complications that required emergency management, was highly tolerable in different age groups, gender and in patients with advanced cardiacrespiratory conditions, only few patients could not complete the test. 6MWD is a useful marker for the severity and progression of the disease. The co-relation of 6MWT and PFT, in patients with respiratory diseases makes this test easy and simple tool for assessing the disease status. 6MWD was lower in females and had significant positive correlation with height, FEV1, FVC, SPO2, and negative correlation with age, Borg and MMRC scale of dysponea and smoking. Contributors All the authors designed the study, review the case, revised and checked it. PKV wrote the manuscript, prepared tables and images, reference collection, and obtained informed consent from the patient. PSB and GBG helped smooth conduction of the test, helped in writing manuscript. SVR consultant Respiratory Physician reviewed draft, supervised whole procedure suggested improvements. JRS, HOD helped in conducting, selection of place,reviewed draft, RSM helped in preparation of draft, suggested reviews and references. Acknowledgement Our sincere thanks to Dr. A.S. Chitnis Senior pulmonologist and D.N.B. Teacher for his technical guidelines and help provided. We are also thankful to the staff of pulmonary and physiotherapy department, to the management of Jaslok Hospiatl to allow us to conduct this study and to all the participants. To know more about Open Access International Journal of Pulmonary & Respiratory Sciences please click on: https://juniperpublishers.com/ijoprs/index.php To know more about Open access Journals Publishers please click on : Juniper Publishers |
2019.07.10 08:29 NameBackwardsisNirok What Happened???
Hey…All you’ve gotta know before reading this is that. Im a mess! So this is addressing why im so fucked… yeah seriously. The TL;DR of this if your not COMPLETELY interested is that I been gifted have a shit slice of cake called Life. If you do want to know more.. Ok here I go!! Alright!! . Nobody cares about what imma bout to say but I have this little thing called 'S.A.D' (Social Anxiety Disorder) and ADHD so that means im the perfect mixture of crying after im lightly embarrassed and screaming in public in front of my close friends. Both of which happen genuinely all the time. (Sometimes even In the same day). Now from that cute little paragraph its about to get hella depressing my guys. So lets go I guess So the miniute I was born I almost died. Not from the usual umbilical cord of death choking a fetus out. No I just have shit genetics and I came out of my mother with asthma.
So I came out and wasn’t crying. The doctors for a second were likely pleasantly surprised only for them to realize that the reason I wasn’t crying audibly was because I couldn’t breathe. So they stuck me with a needle and boom!!!! I was able to breathe.(Unfortunatley) From here I had TONS of medical issues when concerning asthma. I was in the hospital probably about 3 times a year till I was 2.
Now your probably (not) wondering. How did this affect your home life.
Well to put it simply I was and am very dependent (even though now asthma isnt an issue for me) I would always sleep in my parents bed like ALWAYS. at the very least I was in the same room. This is because I would stop breathing and have an attack from allergies whilst sleeping. And eventually I got over it after treatment
so now to the part I want and don’t want to talk about for different reasons. I don’t want this to seem to be ‘attacking' or 'villainizing' this person what im going to talk about happened long ago and I could just be being sensitive or I could have incorrect memories. Im not sure honestly….
So I had a cousin who bullied me for 11 years of my life. This person was only a year and a half older and didn’t know better nor were they taught to know better. Nonetheless nobody really (correctly) stood up for me. Usually I would be guilt tripped into doing something wrong.
Going from that I have a specific string of stories acting as a timeline for how this progressed
The first starts like this. We were playing with toys when I was 2 and they were 3. They try to take the toy from me I get upset and yell at them. Putting it simply. The older of us (Them) gets trusted and Im in trouble. Told I need to learn how to share. All it told me was to never tell on them because I would be blamed.
The next story is when I was 5 ( they were 6 almost 7) we were outside and they wanted to play but I was already drained from being around them. The game they played was Teacher in which I was forced to do math and english primarily… on actual printed worksheets. They had a chart showing nonexistent students. With my name included there. I would sit at a play table and do it without being allowed to talk at all. I was never allowed to speak out of turn. Or else I was put in time out by someone barely older than me. This instilled in me that they were in charge and I was inferior. This taught me punishment followed speaking out.
This next story I was 6 they were 8 already. We were playing in the backyard when they said “wanna to go to grandmas” and I was like “sure why not I like grandma” we asked my parents and they said no. They continued at ME to ask them again and again. Until I refused and they couldn’t control me . We were back in the yard when they said (something like) “We’re going to go anyway” Now I was always afraid of getting in trouble. So I was extremely reluctant to run away knowing I wasnt allowed to go. Eventually they used their old tricks “Do you want to go or not” “….yeah” “why aren’t you going then??” “im not allowed….” “We wont get in trouble trust me” “Come on” “no I cant” “Why Not” “im not allowed” “WE WONT GET IN TROUBLE” “how wont we??” They proceed to (I kid you not) plan. The plan?? To walk around the block from my parents view when they were distracted and once far enough BOOK IT (From there we were caught and punished I was grounded and they went home without any punishment)
This 4th story is at a point where everything was.. Worse I was about 9 They were like 11 . Now this is REALLY embarrassing but I have a weak bladder. And im too awkward to leave someone’s company to use the bathroom. So I used to wet myself when I slept over at someone’s house a lot. I would go to bed late (speaking of.. ive never slept well) they would already be asleep and I would need to use the bathroom but be too scared to (both because of the dark and because I would get yelled at for using the bathroom so late when I should’ve been sleeping. So I would eventually pass out and wet the bed… only to get yelled at for that.
Back to the story it happened a little while we were playing a board game and I left to change (which I said use the bathroom) without mentioning it I sneak an extra pair of underwear and pants in and covertly change and stupidly come back with a different pair so its obvious what actually happened considerinv they know about 'it' (any normal person would’ve been like OooooH that’s what happened) but They instead drug me by my arm to were I changed cornered me in the bathroom and took my soiled pants (carefully) They started with saying “I could smell it” they forcefully made me smell them myself and said “that’s what you smell like” I was.. Obviously crying but I was really mortified about it considering my Anxiety disorder. They left me there for a minute or so. They came back, yelled at me for crying and that I should get back to the game. I instead opted to lay there and bawl. So they forced me out and after yelling me into calming down (somehow) we resumed. This one only the one that I CAN talk about the other story could really affect my real life considering what happened but to simplify it is that I was almost sexually assaulted.
I know that’s weird to say and just MOVE ON from but I haven’t even told my family about that yet so now im moving on to the dark stupid ages of my life (age 9-12)
I went through a stupid creepy pasta phase (ik 😬) so I would act… 'crazy' to impress them… to entertain them. One day I pushed it way too far and had a knife with a 2 yEar Old iN ThE RoOm!!! I hate myself for this part of my life. That’s all im saying
So now to how They were distanced from me after 11 years of abuse i can remember..
I was 12 they were 14... their friends were staying and that’s when I was treated worst. We were at my aunts and 3 of Said Cousins friends were over it was 'Bedtime' so we decided where we were ALL going to sleep there were only two bedrooms my aunts room and a guest room. My aunt slept in her room. My cousin and their friends slept in the guest room and I slept on 5 blankets on the floor with a heater pointed at me in my younger cousins (that 2 year old i mentioned when i had that knife) play room (they were 4 now) so I slept in there all by myself in a corner. I woke up and everything was …off. I was half asleep and woke fully to being laughed at. They had put shaving cream on my face as I slept and they later helped me clean it off. I was still tired so I moved to my aunts room (my aunt was out of it back then and addicted to pills so she wasn’t really the best guardian but at least we were fed and sheltered I guess) I was back asleep and I wake up again to two of them yelling FIRE!! I had known my cousin long enough that I was certain it really wasn’t real (which it wasn’t) I had had enough so I just got up went downstairs ate texted my parents and left. I wasn’t mad after though and I accidently let it slip to my mom who flipped tf out and I didn’t see them again for 2 years. We don’t really talk now From here now im just socially anxious and depressed so yay. This story of what's happened was going from 5th-7th grade and it wasn’t good I don’t remember like any of 5th grade because of Adderall I was prescribed for ADHD (I took concerta since 1st grade and was switched because of grades) I used to not eat from it and one morning before school I fainted from it. I Mentioned it to my friends at school and they told so the school forced me to eat. I didn’t take it after that. I now sure am unmotivated school wise (10th grade) and am going to be a failure. Part of me knows I can succeed with mental help and tutoring. Can my family anywhere near afford that…no. Is there any free option to that… probably not but im not almost going to a shrink aagain.
This sounds concerning but I cant mention it offline without my life crashing even more but I have a suicide note written out mostly at least. I don’t have quite a date yet. I’m still going back and forth between highs and lows. Now im suicidal on and off and unmotivated yay (I forgot to mention when i would self harm at 14 but whatever) Also currently going through a thing of not eating. 👏Y 👏a👏y👏
For real i have nothing to help me so im doomed 😀 might aswell have fun while im still alive.
submitted by NameBackwardsisNirok to depression [link] [comments]
So I came out and wasn’t crying. The doctors for a second were likely pleasantly surprised only for them to realize that the reason I wasn’t crying audibly was because I couldn’t breathe. So they stuck me with a needle and boom!!!! I was able to breathe.(Unfortunatley) From here I had TONS of medical issues when concerning asthma. I was in the hospital probably about 3 times a year till I was 2.
Now your probably (not) wondering. How did this affect your home life.
Well to put it simply I was and am very dependent (even though now asthma isnt an issue for me) I would always sleep in my parents bed like ALWAYS. at the very least I was in the same room. This is because I would stop breathing and have an attack from allergies whilst sleeping. And eventually I got over it after treatment
so now to the part I want and don’t want to talk about for different reasons. I don’t want this to seem to be ‘attacking' or 'villainizing' this person what im going to talk about happened long ago and I could just be being sensitive or I could have incorrect memories. Im not sure honestly….
So I had a cousin who bullied me for 11 years of my life. This person was only a year and a half older and didn’t know better nor were they taught to know better. Nonetheless nobody really (correctly) stood up for me. Usually I would be guilt tripped into doing something wrong.
Going from that I have a specific string of stories acting as a timeline for how this progressed
The first starts like this. We were playing with toys when I was 2 and they were 3. They try to take the toy from me I get upset and yell at them. Putting it simply. The older of us (Them) gets trusted and Im in trouble. Told I need to learn how to share. All it told me was to never tell on them because I would be blamed.
The next story is when I was 5 ( they were 6 almost 7) we were outside and they wanted to play but I was already drained from being around them. The game they played was Teacher in which I was forced to do math and english primarily… on actual printed worksheets. They had a chart showing nonexistent students. With my name included there. I would sit at a play table and do it without being allowed to talk at all. I was never allowed to speak out of turn. Or else I was put in time out by someone barely older than me. This instilled in me that they were in charge and I was inferior. This taught me punishment followed speaking out.
This next story I was 6 they were 8 already. We were playing in the backyard when they said “wanna to go to grandmas” and I was like “sure why not I like grandma” we asked my parents and they said no. They continued at ME to ask them again and again. Until I refused and they couldn’t control me . We were back in the yard when they said (something like) “We’re going to go anyway” Now I was always afraid of getting in trouble. So I was extremely reluctant to run away knowing I wasnt allowed to go. Eventually they used their old tricks “Do you want to go or not” “….yeah” “why aren’t you going then??” “im not allowed….” “We wont get in trouble trust me” “Come on” “no I cant” “Why Not” “im not allowed” “WE WONT GET IN TROUBLE” “how wont we??” They proceed to (I kid you not) plan. The plan?? To walk around the block from my parents view when they were distracted and once far enough BOOK IT (From there we were caught and punished I was grounded and they went home without any punishment)
This 4th story is at a point where everything was.. Worse I was about 9 They were like 11 . Now this is REALLY embarrassing but I have a weak bladder. And im too awkward to leave someone’s company to use the bathroom. So I used to wet myself when I slept over at someone’s house a lot. I would go to bed late (speaking of.. ive never slept well) they would already be asleep and I would need to use the bathroom but be too scared to (both because of the dark and because I would get yelled at for using the bathroom so late when I should’ve been sleeping. So I would eventually pass out and wet the bed… only to get yelled at for that.
Back to the story it happened a little while we were playing a board game and I left to change (which I said use the bathroom) without mentioning it I sneak an extra pair of underwear and pants in and covertly change and stupidly come back with a different pair so its obvious what actually happened considerinv they know about 'it' (any normal person would’ve been like OooooH that’s what happened) but They instead drug me by my arm to were I changed cornered me in the bathroom and took my soiled pants (carefully) They started with saying “I could smell it” they forcefully made me smell them myself and said “that’s what you smell like” I was.. Obviously crying but I was really mortified about it considering my Anxiety disorder. They left me there for a minute or so. They came back, yelled at me for crying and that I should get back to the game. I instead opted to lay there and bawl. So they forced me out and after yelling me into calming down (somehow) we resumed. This one only the one that I CAN talk about the other story could really affect my real life considering what happened but to simplify it is that I was almost sexually assaulted.
I know that’s weird to say and just MOVE ON from but I haven’t even told my family about that yet so now im moving on to the dark stupid ages of my life (age 9-12)
I went through a stupid creepy pasta phase (ik 😬) so I would act… 'crazy' to impress them… to entertain them. One day I pushed it way too far and had a knife with a 2 yEar Old iN ThE RoOm!!! I hate myself for this part of my life. That’s all im saying
So now to how They were distanced from me after 11 years of abuse i can remember..
I was 12 they were 14... their friends were staying and that’s when I was treated worst. We were at my aunts and 3 of Said Cousins friends were over it was 'Bedtime' so we decided where we were ALL going to sleep there were only two bedrooms my aunts room and a guest room. My aunt slept in her room. My cousin and their friends slept in the guest room and I slept on 5 blankets on the floor with a heater pointed at me in my younger cousins (that 2 year old i mentioned when i had that knife) play room (they were 4 now) so I slept in there all by myself in a corner. I woke up and everything was …off. I was half asleep and woke fully to being laughed at. They had put shaving cream on my face as I slept and they later helped me clean it off. I was still tired so I moved to my aunts room (my aunt was out of it back then and addicted to pills so she wasn’t really the best guardian but at least we were fed and sheltered I guess) I was back asleep and I wake up again to two of them yelling FIRE!! I had known my cousin long enough that I was certain it really wasn’t real (which it wasn’t) I had had enough so I just got up went downstairs ate texted my parents and left. I wasn’t mad after though and I accidently let it slip to my mom who flipped tf out and I didn’t see them again for 2 years. We don’t really talk now From here now im just socially anxious and depressed so yay. This story of what's happened was going from 5th-7th grade and it wasn’t good I don’t remember like any of 5th grade because of Adderall I was prescribed for ADHD (I took concerta since 1st grade and was switched because of grades) I used to not eat from it and one morning before school I fainted from it. I Mentioned it to my friends at school and they told so the school forced me to eat. I didn’t take it after that. I now sure am unmotivated school wise (10th grade) and am going to be a failure. Part of me knows I can succeed with mental help and tutoring. Can my family anywhere near afford that…no. Is there any free option to that… probably not but im not almost going to a shrink aagain.
This sounds concerning but I cant mention it offline without my life crashing even more but I have a suicide note written out mostly at least. I don’t have quite a date yet. I’m still going back and forth between highs and lows. Now im suicidal on and off and unmotivated yay (I forgot to mention when i would self harm at 14 but whatever) Also currently going through a thing of not eating. 👏Y 👏a👏y👏
For real i have nothing to help me so im doomed 😀 might aswell have fun while im still alive.
2018.07.14 05:40 cornucopacabana Nothing Is Going to Happen to You During a Panic Attack, Not Even while Driving. (x-post r/DrivingAnxiety)
Nothing Is Going to Happen to You During a Panic Attack, Not Even while Driving.
On the web, I see all this stuff about panic attacks being harmless. Sure, you'll feel like you're choking, and you'll feel like you're having a heart attack, and you'll feel like you're going to pass out, but you can just sit down, take some deep breaths, and you'll be fine.
Now imagine that all these things are happening to you as you're operating a moving vehicle speeding down the highway. And you're thinking, "Harmless? Uh, there's so much more at play here than just me and my body. I'm operating a moving vehicle and can run into other moving vehicles, people, and other obstacles. If I have a heart attack-- if I lose consciousness, that's it for me. I'm done."
But you're not going to lose consciousness.
"How can you be so sure? I mean, there are lives at stake here."
Well, don't trust me. Trust Edward J. Bourne. This information comes from The Anxiety & Phobia Workbook, by Edmund J. Bourne, Ph. D.
--
HEART ISSUES
"A panic attack cannot cause heart failure or cardiac arrest. ... According to Claire Weekes (1991), a healthy heart can beat two hundred beats per minute for days-- even weeks-- without sustaining any damage."
"During a true heart attack, the most common symptom is continuous pain and a pressured, even crushing sensation in the center of your chest. Racing or pounding of the heart may occur, but this is secondary to the pain. Moreover, the pain and pressure get worse upon exertion and may tend to diminish with rest. This is quite different than a panic attack, where racing and pounding may get worse if you stand still and lessen if you move around."
"In the case of heart disease, distinct abnormalities in heart rhythm show up on an electrocardiogram (EKG) reading. It has been demonstrated that during a panic attack there are no EKG abnormalities-- only rapid heartbeat. (If you want to gain additional reassurance, you may want to have your doctor perform an EKG.) In sum, there is simply no basis for the connection between heart attacks and panic. Panic attacks are not hazardous to your heart."
(More info on heart attacks from a different source.)
Yes, [heart attacks] can occur in rare cases, but the reality is that if you're younger than 40 and have no reason to believe you have any heart trouble, the likelihood of experiencing and surviving a heart attack is basically nothing. It is very, very rare for someone to have an undiagnosed heart condition that a doctor cannot find that they survive without issue. If there's no reason to think you could have a heart attack, you probably can't.
https://www.calmclinic.com/panic/panic-attack-or-heart-attack
CHOKING
"A panic attack will not cause you to stop breathing or suffocate. It is common during panic to feel your chest close down and your breathing become restricted. This might lead you to suddenly fear that you're going to suffocate. Under stress, your neck and chest muscles are tightening and reducing your respiratory capacity. Be assured that there is nothing wrong with your breathing passage or lungs, and that the tightening sensations will pass."
"Your brain has a built-in reflex mechanism that will eventually FORCE you to breathe if you're not getting enough oxygen. If you don't believe this, try holding your breath for up to a minute and observe what happens. At a certain point, you'll feel a strong reflex to take in more air. The same thing will happen in a panic attack if you're not getting enough oxygen. You'll automatically gasp and take a deep breath long before reaching the point where you could pass out from lack of oxygen."
PASSING OUT
"A panic attack cannot cause you to faint. The sensation of light-headedness you may feel with the onset of panic can evoke a fear of fainting. What is happening is that the blood circulation to your brain is slightly reduced, most likely because you are breathing more rapidly. This is not dangerous and can be relieved by breathing slowly and regularly from your abdomen, preferably through your nose."
"Let the feelings of light-headedness rise and subside without fighting them. Because your heart is pumping harder and actually increasing your circulation, you are very unlikely to faint."
ANAPHYLAXIS
(personal account from someone who had both panic attacks and anaphylaxis)
"My last episode of real anaphylaxis where my throat did close up had a very specific feeling like I had something lodged in it. I drank some cool water. Water went down fine. No blockages there! This was all in my mind."
"I would consider a physical blockage in my throat/mouth/palate (you literally cannot swallow), vomiting, cramps/diarreah, hives all over the body, and asthma/stridor (wheezing) undeniable proof and use the epipen."
http://peanutsurvival.com/index.php/2018/04/07/anaphylactic-shock-or-panic-attack/
Also, anaphylaxis is rarely caused by environmental allergens, and will happen within 3 to 30 minutes after ingesting something or being stung by an insect.
http://www.worldallergy.org/education-and-programs/education/allergic-disease-resource-centeprofessionals/anaphylaxis-synopsis
HYPOGLYCEMIA
(I have hypoglycemia and also suffer from panic attacks.)
Hypoglycemia comes on fast, but you tend to get the early symptoms like dizziness, irritability, lightheadedness, hanger, and feel those for a few minutes before going to the more severe symptoms like feeling like you're going to pass out.
When I get hypoglycemia, my brain gets full of fog and clumsy and I have that "can't make thoughts" feeling. That doesn't happen when I have a panic attack. But if you've gotten a glucose tolerance test and it's ruled out hypoglycemia, you should be good.
https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/hypoglycemia/symptoms-causes/syc-20373685
---
YOU CAN TURN THINGS AROUND
Now, these things in the above article talk about the worst-case scenario. You're not going to step right in the car and immediately feel like you're passing out right out of nowhere. No. Your anxiety takes a little time to build, and you can catch it and reverse it before you feel like you're about to lose control.
Yes. You can catch it and reverse it before you feel like it can impair your driving ability.
Anxiety comes in stages, as they describe in the Anxiety and Phobia Workbook.
So as soon as you start feeling those symptoms, remind yourself that these symptoms are all caused by your rapid breathing, and if you can fix your breathing, you can reverse this.
--
PULLING OVER IS NOT GIVING IN OR GIVING UP
What most of us have is a driving phobia. It's a completely irrational fear generated by the subconscious mind. Though it's reasonable to be afraid of getting into a car accident, we take it to the extreme.
If you pull over when you start to feel anxiety symptoms, you are not giving up.
I repeat. If you pull over when you start to feel anxiety symptoms, you are not giving up. Pushing too hard can hurt more than it helps.
A few months ago I drove to a historic cemetery I'd been wanting to go to. It was way out of my comfort zone, and I did it! But when I think about my trip, I don't think about how I made it to the cemetery. I think about how much I suffered on the way there-- heart pounding, throat swelling up, feeling like I was about to pass out. My phobia still tells me I got there just by the skin of my teeth. That I survived out of sheer dumb luck. And now, every time I think about pushing myself a little farther out of my comfort zone, I worry about suffering that much again, and next time something even worse could happen to me.
I made myself push through my panic symptoms, because I thought I'd feel like a failure if I didn't. But I wish I'd pulled over a few times on the way so I could catch my breath, do some PMPATH, and continue on.
In the words of another writer from The Worry Games, "People pull over all the time…to discipline their kids, to clean up spills, find a lit cigarette, to take a quick nap, to look at a map. Yet for some reason those of us who need to calm down, feel like there is something wrong with us if we do it."
"I say go for it! Pull that car off to the side of the road, or into a nearby parking lot. Give yourself permission to make this choice without a sense of shame. Don’t worry about losing control and crashing your car while looking for a safe spot – the chances of that happening are minuscule! Adrenaline is there to help us stay focused, keep us aware of our surroundings, and stay safe. Take some deep breaths as you use that adrenaline to find a safe place to pull over, and then continue breathing and speaking to yourself in a slow, calm, reassuring manner."
https://theworrygames.com/2017/12/10-ways-to-stop-a-panic-attack-while-driving/
Your phobia is like a little kid. If you tell a kid there are no monsters under the bed, he won't believe you. You have to take him by the hand and show him that there are no monsters under the bed, over and over again.
The fact that you can pull over whenever, without feeling like a failure, will bring you so much comfort that eventually you will stop panicking and won't even need to pull over.
----
CONTROLLING THE SYMPTOMS WITH BREATHING
So, pretty much, a lot of the symptoms you experience are fed by hyperventilation. In fact, many people hyperventilate, feel the symptoms, and label what they feel as panic!
"Physiological changes brought on by hyperventilation include increased alkalinity of nerve cells, which causes them to be more excitable. The result is that you feel nervous and jittery.
Decreased carbon dioxide in the blood, which can cause your heart to pump harder and faster as well as making lights seem brighter and sounds louder.
Increased constriction of blood vessels in your brain, which can cause feelings of dizziness, disorientation, and even a sense of unreality or separateness from your body."
"By slowing down your respiration and breathing from your abdomen, you can reverse two of the reactions associated with the fight-or-flight response-- increased respiratory rate and increased constriction of your chest wall muscles. After three or four minutes of slow, regular, abdominal breathing, you are likely to feel that you have slowed down a "runaway reaction" that was threatening to get out of control. "
"Slow, abdominal breathing, especially when done through your nose, can reduce symptoms of hyperventilation that may cause or aggravate a panic attack. The dizziness, disorientation, and tingly sensations associated with hyperventilation are produced by rapid, shallow, chest-level breathing. Three or four minutes of slow, abdominal breathing reverses this process and will eliminate hyperventilation systems."
The common recommendation is breathing into a paper bag, but further research on my end found that it was more of a placebo effect than anything else.
However, the book outlines an abdominal breathing exercise you can try.
POSITIVE COPING STATEMENTS: IT'S NOT ALL WOO-WOO BULLSHIT
"Oh," you say. "You're going to tell me to think positive and these symptoms will go away? Ever heard of the placebo effect?"
Well, your negative thinking (whether your thoughts were overt or your subconscious mind was mulling over things internally) got you into this situation. And positive thinking will help you out.
You can pull over and breathe all you want. But if you're thinking "I'm panicking again!! I'm such a failure! I'm never going to be able to do this!!" your body will release more adrenaline, and you're not going to get anywhere.
I hate to break it to you, but whenever you're doing exposure therapy for a phobia, you're going to get anxiety, at least a little bit. It's only natural when you're doing something new. But when you're about to downhill ski for the first time or leaning in for a first kiss with the dreamboat you've been crushing on for weeks, you're more apt to label these heart-racing feelings "excitement." It's all in the context.
I found an Instagram post by Karen Salmansohn that described fear as "nature's caffeine." "Fear and excitement feel a lot the same. Each speeds up breathing and gives an adrenaline rush. ... Since I figured this out, I renamed "scary" situations as "exciting" situations. And when faced with one, I no longer view myself as "fearful," but "in extra energy mode" to keep moving forward.
https://www.instagram.com/p/Bj7UwyEHTHK/
So keep some mantras in your back pocket.
"This anxiety is a good sign: it means I'm already experiencing exposure."
"I need this anxiety-- I can't complete exposure to the situation without feeling it."
"If you're not getting nervous at least three times a week, you're not trying enough."
Also, screw all this "comparing yourself to others" crap. So what if the people you know drive all over. This isn't new to them, but this is new to you. I guarantee they weren't all cool and collected as gangly, awkward 15-year-olds in Driver's Ed. Anyone, when faced with something new, will be nervous. Your life just so happened to play out that your beginning is now.
---
RAGE AGAINST THE MACHINE (sorry, I couldn't help myself)
The book says that anger and anxiety are incompatible responses, and that it's impossible to experience both at the same time. Lucky for you, in your car, no one can hear you scream.
"If you can get angry at your anxiety the moment it arises, you may stop it from building any further. You can do this either verbally or physically." New conspiracy theory: road rage is just misplaced anxiety. But yeah, don't go too far and be a dick.
The book says things like punching pillows, throwing eggs into the bathtub, and chopping wood. I don't recommend any of those things while operating a moving vehicle. Also, hitting things with your car à la Icona Pop may be exhilarating in the moment, but it's also something I don't recommend.
Thankfully, if no one can hear you sing in the car, no one can hear you scream in the car. Have Disturbed albums on repeat.
This other writer from The Worry Games backs me up on this, saying that screaming was the original way to scare away "the predator." She said she can keep a calm face and let out a primal scream without anyone around being the wiser, but I'm not sure I'm at that point yet.
https://theworrygames.com/2017/12/10-ways-to-stop-a-panic-attack-while-driving/
--
ONLY YOU CAN PREVENT PANIC ATTACKS
Of course, there are things you can do to prevent panic attacks. They probably won't stop every panic attack from happening, but, seriously, if you ran a few miles earlier that day, your body's probably too tired to pump out masses of adrenaline.
These prevention tips are straight from the book:
-- Regularly practice deep relaxation. It doesn't have to be boring and/or mentally draining. (I like the hypnosis videos by Michael Sealey on YouTube, and Progressive Muscle Relaxation is also a great way to get your body to relax.)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cQcd1LOmzas
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UHD4xNxgBec
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BpCioRUvpRk
-- A regular program of exercise. The more strenuous, the better. However, walking for 15 mins, 3 times a day, is doable. I have a friend who will watch movies while using an exercise bike. I will walk around my house in circles listening to some podcasts (there are some great ones on Spotify.)
-- Elimination of stimulants (esp. caffeine, sugar, and nicotine) from your diet. Also meth, coke, Adderall, Sudafed, what have you.
-- Learning to acknowledge and express your feelings. That shit will bottle up and start affecting you. For dealing with resentment and disappointment, google "The Work of Byron Katie" and do those worksheets (it's free.)
-- Adopting self-talk and "core beliefs" that promote a calmer and more accepting attitude toward life. Read some Eckhart Tolle.
tl;dr Panic attacks can't hurt you; the body has so many safeguards to make sure you don't die. You're not having a heart attack or passing out or any of that shit. You can reverse your panic before it gets to a certain point with certain breathing techniques, cognitive reframing, and maybe some good old fashioned rage-filled screaming.
submitted by cornucopacabana to Anxiety [link] [comments]
On the web, I see all this stuff about panic attacks being harmless. Sure, you'll feel like you're choking, and you'll feel like you're having a heart attack, and you'll feel like you're going to pass out, but you can just sit down, take some deep breaths, and you'll be fine.
Now imagine that all these things are happening to you as you're operating a moving vehicle speeding down the highway. And you're thinking, "Harmless? Uh, there's so much more at play here than just me and my body. I'm operating a moving vehicle and can run into other moving vehicles, people, and other obstacles. If I have a heart attack-- if I lose consciousness, that's it for me. I'm done."
But you're not going to lose consciousness.
"How can you be so sure? I mean, there are lives at stake here."
Well, don't trust me. Trust Edward J. Bourne. This information comes from The Anxiety & Phobia Workbook, by Edmund J. Bourne, Ph. D.
--
HEART ISSUES
"A panic attack cannot cause heart failure or cardiac arrest. ... According to Claire Weekes (1991), a healthy heart can beat two hundred beats per minute for days-- even weeks-- without sustaining any damage."
"During a true heart attack, the most common symptom is continuous pain and a pressured, even crushing sensation in the center of your chest. Racing or pounding of the heart may occur, but this is secondary to the pain. Moreover, the pain and pressure get worse upon exertion and may tend to diminish with rest. This is quite different than a panic attack, where racing and pounding may get worse if you stand still and lessen if you move around."
"In the case of heart disease, distinct abnormalities in heart rhythm show up on an electrocardiogram (EKG) reading. It has been demonstrated that during a panic attack there are no EKG abnormalities-- only rapid heartbeat. (If you want to gain additional reassurance, you may want to have your doctor perform an EKG.) In sum, there is simply no basis for the connection between heart attacks and panic. Panic attacks are not hazardous to your heart."
(More info on heart attacks from a different source.)
Yes, [heart attacks] can occur in rare cases, but the reality is that if you're younger than 40 and have no reason to believe you have any heart trouble, the likelihood of experiencing and surviving a heart attack is basically nothing. It is very, very rare for someone to have an undiagnosed heart condition that a doctor cannot find that they survive without issue. If there's no reason to think you could have a heart attack, you probably can't.
https://www.calmclinic.com/panic/panic-attack-or-heart-attack
CHOKING
"A panic attack will not cause you to stop breathing or suffocate. It is common during panic to feel your chest close down and your breathing become restricted. This might lead you to suddenly fear that you're going to suffocate. Under stress, your neck and chest muscles are tightening and reducing your respiratory capacity. Be assured that there is nothing wrong with your breathing passage or lungs, and that the tightening sensations will pass."
"Your brain has a built-in reflex mechanism that will eventually FORCE you to breathe if you're not getting enough oxygen. If you don't believe this, try holding your breath for up to a minute and observe what happens. At a certain point, you'll feel a strong reflex to take in more air. The same thing will happen in a panic attack if you're not getting enough oxygen. You'll automatically gasp and take a deep breath long before reaching the point where you could pass out from lack of oxygen."
PASSING OUT
"A panic attack cannot cause you to faint. The sensation of light-headedness you may feel with the onset of panic can evoke a fear of fainting. What is happening is that the blood circulation to your brain is slightly reduced, most likely because you are breathing more rapidly. This is not dangerous and can be relieved by breathing slowly and regularly from your abdomen, preferably through your nose."
"Let the feelings of light-headedness rise and subside without fighting them. Because your heart is pumping harder and actually increasing your circulation, you are very unlikely to faint."
ANAPHYLAXIS
(personal account from someone who had both panic attacks and anaphylaxis)
"My last episode of real anaphylaxis where my throat did close up had a very specific feeling like I had something lodged in it. I drank some cool water. Water went down fine. No blockages there! This was all in my mind."
"I would consider a physical blockage in my throat/mouth/palate (you literally cannot swallow), vomiting, cramps/diarreah, hives all over the body, and asthma/stridor (wheezing) undeniable proof and use the epipen."
http://peanutsurvival.com/index.php/2018/04/07/anaphylactic-shock-or-panic-attack/
Also, anaphylaxis is rarely caused by environmental allergens, and will happen within 3 to 30 minutes after ingesting something or being stung by an insect.
http://www.worldallergy.org/education-and-programs/education/allergic-disease-resource-centeprofessionals/anaphylaxis-synopsis
HYPOGLYCEMIA
(I have hypoglycemia and also suffer from panic attacks.)
Hypoglycemia comes on fast, but you tend to get the early symptoms like dizziness, irritability, lightheadedness, hanger, and feel those for a few minutes before going to the more severe symptoms like feeling like you're going to pass out.
When I get hypoglycemia, my brain gets full of fog and clumsy and I have that "can't make thoughts" feeling. That doesn't happen when I have a panic attack. But if you've gotten a glucose tolerance test and it's ruled out hypoglycemia, you should be good.
https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/hypoglycemia/symptoms-causes/syc-20373685
---
YOU CAN TURN THINGS AROUND
Now, these things in the above article talk about the worst-case scenario. You're not going to step right in the car and immediately feel like you're passing out right out of nowhere. No. Your anxiety takes a little time to build, and you can catch it and reverse it before you feel like you're about to lose control.
Yes. You can catch it and reverse it before you feel like it can impair your driving ability.
Anxiety comes in stages, as they describe in the Anxiety and Phobia Workbook.
- Calmness
- Passing twinge of anxiety, slightly nervous
- Butterflies in stomach, muscle tension, nervous
- Feeling uncomfortable but still in control, heart starting to beat faster, more rapid breathing, sweaty palms
- Feeling "spacey," muscles right, beginning to wonder about maintaining control
- Heart pounding, constricted breathing, spaciness or dizziness, compulsion to escape
So as soon as you start feeling those symptoms, remind yourself that these symptoms are all caused by your rapid breathing, and if you can fix your breathing, you can reverse this.
--
PULLING OVER IS NOT GIVING IN OR GIVING UP
What most of us have is a driving phobia. It's a completely irrational fear generated by the subconscious mind. Though it's reasonable to be afraid of getting into a car accident, we take it to the extreme.
If you pull over when you start to feel anxiety symptoms, you are not giving up.
I repeat. If you pull over when you start to feel anxiety symptoms, you are not giving up. Pushing too hard can hurt more than it helps.
A few months ago I drove to a historic cemetery I'd been wanting to go to. It was way out of my comfort zone, and I did it! But when I think about my trip, I don't think about how I made it to the cemetery. I think about how much I suffered on the way there-- heart pounding, throat swelling up, feeling like I was about to pass out. My phobia still tells me I got there just by the skin of my teeth. That I survived out of sheer dumb luck. And now, every time I think about pushing myself a little farther out of my comfort zone, I worry about suffering that much again, and next time something even worse could happen to me.
I made myself push through my panic symptoms, because I thought I'd feel like a failure if I didn't. But I wish I'd pulled over a few times on the way so I could catch my breath, do some PMPATH, and continue on.
In the words of another writer from The Worry Games, "People pull over all the time…to discipline their kids, to clean up spills, find a lit cigarette, to take a quick nap, to look at a map. Yet for some reason those of us who need to calm down, feel like there is something wrong with us if we do it."
"I say go for it! Pull that car off to the side of the road, or into a nearby parking lot. Give yourself permission to make this choice without a sense of shame. Don’t worry about losing control and crashing your car while looking for a safe spot – the chances of that happening are minuscule! Adrenaline is there to help us stay focused, keep us aware of our surroundings, and stay safe. Take some deep breaths as you use that adrenaline to find a safe place to pull over, and then continue breathing and speaking to yourself in a slow, calm, reassuring manner."
https://theworrygames.com/2017/12/10-ways-to-stop-a-panic-attack-while-driving/
Your phobia is like a little kid. If you tell a kid there are no monsters under the bed, he won't believe you. You have to take him by the hand and show him that there are no monsters under the bed, over and over again.
The fact that you can pull over whenever, without feeling like a failure, will bring you so much comfort that eventually you will stop panicking and won't even need to pull over.
----
CONTROLLING THE SYMPTOMS WITH BREATHING
So, pretty much, a lot of the symptoms you experience are fed by hyperventilation. In fact, many people hyperventilate, feel the symptoms, and label what they feel as panic!
"Physiological changes brought on by hyperventilation include increased alkalinity of nerve cells, which causes them to be more excitable. The result is that you feel nervous and jittery.
Decreased carbon dioxide in the blood, which can cause your heart to pump harder and faster as well as making lights seem brighter and sounds louder.
Increased constriction of blood vessels in your brain, which can cause feelings of dizziness, disorientation, and even a sense of unreality or separateness from your body."
"By slowing down your respiration and breathing from your abdomen, you can reverse two of the reactions associated with the fight-or-flight response-- increased respiratory rate and increased constriction of your chest wall muscles. After three or four minutes of slow, regular, abdominal breathing, you are likely to feel that you have slowed down a "runaway reaction" that was threatening to get out of control. "
"Slow, abdominal breathing, especially when done through your nose, can reduce symptoms of hyperventilation that may cause or aggravate a panic attack. The dizziness, disorientation, and tingly sensations associated with hyperventilation are produced by rapid, shallow, chest-level breathing. Three or four minutes of slow, abdominal breathing reverses this process and will eliminate hyperventilation systems."
The common recommendation is breathing into a paper bag, but further research on my end found that it was more of a placebo effect than anything else.
However, the book outlines an abdominal breathing exercise you can try.
- Place your hand on your abdomen beneath your ribcage. (This is optional, but a good thing to add if you're pulled over.)
- Breathe through your nose. Try to make your hand rise and fall when you breathe in and out through your diaphragm.
- Inhale. Count to 5 as you slowly take air in.
- Pause and hold your breath to a count of five.
- Exhale slowly through your nose or mouth to a count of 5.
- Breathe normally for a few breaths, then do it again.
POSITIVE COPING STATEMENTS: IT'S NOT ALL WOO-WOO BULLSHIT
"Oh," you say. "You're going to tell me to think positive and these symptoms will go away? Ever heard of the placebo effect?"
Well, your negative thinking (whether your thoughts were overt or your subconscious mind was mulling over things internally) got you into this situation. And positive thinking will help you out.
You can pull over and breathe all you want. But if you're thinking "I'm panicking again!! I'm such a failure! I'm never going to be able to do this!!" your body will release more adrenaline, and you're not going to get anywhere.
I hate to break it to you, but whenever you're doing exposure therapy for a phobia, you're going to get anxiety, at least a little bit. It's only natural when you're doing something new. But when you're about to downhill ski for the first time or leaning in for a first kiss with the dreamboat you've been crushing on for weeks, you're more apt to label these heart-racing feelings "excitement." It's all in the context.
I found an Instagram post by Karen Salmansohn that described fear as "nature's caffeine." "Fear and excitement feel a lot the same. Each speeds up breathing and gives an adrenaline rush. ... Since I figured this out, I renamed "scary" situations as "exciting" situations. And when faced with one, I no longer view myself as "fearful," but "in extra energy mode" to keep moving forward.
https://www.instagram.com/p/Bj7UwyEHTHK/
So keep some mantras in your back pocket.
"This anxiety is a good sign: it means I'm already experiencing exposure."
"I need this anxiety-- I can't complete exposure to the situation without feeling it."
"If you're not getting nervous at least three times a week, you're not trying enough."
Also, screw all this "comparing yourself to others" crap. So what if the people you know drive all over. This isn't new to them, but this is new to you. I guarantee they weren't all cool and collected as gangly, awkward 15-year-olds in Driver's Ed. Anyone, when faced with something new, will be nervous. Your life just so happened to play out that your beginning is now.
---
RAGE AGAINST THE MACHINE (sorry, I couldn't help myself)
The book says that anger and anxiety are incompatible responses, and that it's impossible to experience both at the same time. Lucky for you, in your car, no one can hear you scream.
"If you can get angry at your anxiety the moment it arises, you may stop it from building any further. You can do this either verbally or physically." New conspiracy theory: road rage is just misplaced anxiety. But yeah, don't go too far and be a dick.
The book says things like punching pillows, throwing eggs into the bathtub, and chopping wood. I don't recommend any of those things while operating a moving vehicle. Also, hitting things with your car à la Icona Pop may be exhilarating in the moment, but it's also something I don't recommend.
Thankfully, if no one can hear you sing in the car, no one can hear you scream in the car. Have Disturbed albums on repeat.
This other writer from The Worry Games backs me up on this, saying that screaming was the original way to scare away "the predator." She said she can keep a calm face and let out a primal scream without anyone around being the wiser, but I'm not sure I'm at that point yet.
https://theworrygames.com/2017/12/10-ways-to-stop-a-panic-attack-while-driving/
--
ONLY YOU CAN PREVENT PANIC ATTACKS
Of course, there are things you can do to prevent panic attacks. They probably won't stop every panic attack from happening, but, seriously, if you ran a few miles earlier that day, your body's probably too tired to pump out masses of adrenaline.
These prevention tips are straight from the book:
-- Regularly practice deep relaxation. It doesn't have to be boring and/or mentally draining. (I like the hypnosis videos by Michael Sealey on YouTube, and Progressive Muscle Relaxation is also a great way to get your body to relax.)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cQcd1LOmzas
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UHD4xNxgBec
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BpCioRUvpRk
-- A regular program of exercise. The more strenuous, the better. However, walking for 15 mins, 3 times a day, is doable. I have a friend who will watch movies while using an exercise bike. I will walk around my house in circles listening to some podcasts (there are some great ones on Spotify.)
-- Elimination of stimulants (esp. caffeine, sugar, and nicotine) from your diet. Also meth, coke, Adderall, Sudafed, what have you.
-- Learning to acknowledge and express your feelings. That shit will bottle up and start affecting you. For dealing with resentment and disappointment, google "The Work of Byron Katie" and do those worksheets (it's free.)
-- Adopting self-talk and "core beliefs" that promote a calmer and more accepting attitude toward life. Read some Eckhart Tolle.
tl;dr Panic attacks can't hurt you; the body has so many safeguards to make sure you don't die. You're not having a heart attack or passing out or any of that shit. You can reverse your panic before it gets to a certain point with certain breathing techniques, cognitive reframing, and maybe some good old fashioned rage-filled screaming.
2018.07.14 05:37 cornucopacabana Nothing Is Going to Happen to You During a Panic Attack, Not Even while Driving.
Nothing Is Going to Happen to You During a Panic Attack, Not Even while Driving.
On the web, I see all this stuff about panic attacks being harmless. Sure, you'll feel like you're choking, and you'll feel like you're having a heart attack, and you'll feel like you're going to pass out, but you can just sit down, take some deep breaths, and you'll be fine.
Now imagine that all these things are happening to you as you're operating a moving vehicle speeding down the highway. And you're thinking, "Harmless? Uh, there's so much more at play here than just me and my body. I'm operating a moving vehicle and can run into other moving vehicles, people, and other obstacles. If I have a heart attack-- if I lose consciousness, that's it for me. I'm done."
But you're not going to lose consciousness.
"How can you be so sure? I mean, there are lives at stake here."
Well, don't trust me. Trust Edward J. Bourne. This information comes from The Anxiety & Phobia Workbook, by Edmund J. Bourne, Ph. D.
--
HEART ISSUES
"A panic attack cannot cause heart failure or cardiac arrest. ... According to Claire Weekes (1991), a healthy heart can beat two hundred beats per minute for days-- even weeks-- without sustaining any damage."
"During a true heart attack, the most common symptom is continuous pain and a pressured, even crushing sensation in the center of your chest. Racing or pounding of the heart may occur, but this is secondary to the pain. Moreover, the pain and pressure get worse upon exertion and may tend to diminish with rest. This is quite different than a panic attack, where racing and pounding may get worse if you stand still and lessen if you move around."
"In the case of heart disease, distinct abnormalities in heart rhythm show up on an electrocardiogram (EKG) reading. It has been demonstrated that during a panic attack there are no EKG abnormalities-- only rapid heartbeat. (If you want to gain additional reassurance, you may want to have your doctor perform an EKG.) In sum, there is simply no basis for the connection between heart attacks and panic. Panic attacks are not hazardous to your heart."
(More info on heart attacks from a different source.)
Yes, [heart attacks] can occur in rare cases, but the reality is that if you're younger than 40 and have no reason to believe you have any heart trouble, the likelihood of experiencing and surviving a heart attack is basically nothing. It is very, very rare for someone to have an undiagnosed heart condition that a doctor cannot find that they survive without issue. If there's no reason to think you could have a heart attack, you probably can't.
https://www.calmclinic.com/panic/panic-attack-or-heart-attack
CHOKING
"A panic attack will not cause you to stop breathing or suffocate. It is common during panic to feel your chest close down and your breathing become restricted. This might lead you to suddenly fear that you're going to suffocate. Under stress, your neck and chest muscles are tightening and reducing your respiratory capacity. Be assured that there is nothing wrong with your breathing passage or lungs, and that the tightening sensations will pass."
"Your brain has a built-in reflex mechanism that will eventually FORCE you to breathe if you're not getting enough oxygen. If you don't believe this, try holding your breath for up to a minute and observe what happens. At a certain point, you'll feel a strong reflex to take in more air. The same thing will happen in a panic attack if you're not getting enough oxygen. You'll automatically gasp and take a deep breath long before reaching the point where you could pass out from lack of oxygen."
PASSING OUT
"A panic attack cannot cause you to faint. The sensation of light-headedness you may feel with the onset of panic can evoke a fear of fainting. What is happening is that the blood circulation to your brain is slightly reduced, most likely because you are breathing more rapidly. This is not dangerous and can be relieved by breathing slowly and regularly from your abdomen, preferably through your nose."
"Let the feelings of light-headedness rise and subside without fighting them. Because your heart is pumping harder and actually increasing your circulation, you are very unlikely to faint."
ANAPHYLAXIS
(personal account from someone who had both panic attacks and anaphylaxis)
"My last episode of real anaphylaxis where my throat did close up had a very specific feeling like I had something lodged in it. I drank some cool water. Water went down fine. No blockages there! This was all in my mind."
"I would consider a physical blockage in my throat/mouth/palate (you literally cannot swallow), vomiting, cramps/diarreah, hives all over the body, and asthma/stridor (wheezing) undeniable proof and use the epipen."
http://peanutsurvival.com/index.php/2018/04/07/anaphylactic-shock-or-panic-attack/
Also, anaphylaxis is rarely caused by environmental allergens, and will happen within 3 to 30 minutes after ingesting something or being stung by an insect.
http://www.worldallergy.org/education-and-programs/education/allergic-disease-resource-centeprofessionals/anaphylaxis-synopsis
HYPOGLYCEMIA
(I have hypoglycemia and also suffer from panic attacks.)
Hypoglycemia comes on fast, but you tend to get the early symptoms like dizziness, irritability, lightheadedness, hanger, and feel those for a few minutes before going to the more severe symptoms like feeling like you're going to pass out.
When I get hypoglycemia, my brain gets full of fog and clumsy and I have that "can't make thoughts" feeling. That doesn't happen when I have a panic attack. But if you've gotten a glucose tolerance test and it's ruled out hypoglycemia, you should be good.
https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/hypoglycemia/symptoms-causes/syc-20373685
---
YOU CAN TURN THINGS AROUND
Now, these things in the above article talk about the worst-case scenario. You're not going to step right in the car and immediately feel like you're passing out right out of nowhere. No. Your anxiety takes a little time to build, and you can catch it and reverse it before you feel like you're about to lose control.
Yes. You can catch it and reverse it before you feel like it can impair your driving ability.
Anxiety comes in stages, as they describe in the Anxiety and Phobia Workbook.
So as soon as you start feeling those symptoms, remind yourself that these symptoms are all caused by your rapid breathing, and if you can fix your breathing, you can reverse this.
--
PULLING OVER IS NOT GIVING IN OR GIVING UP
What most of us have is a driving phobia. It's a completely irrational fear generated by the subconscious mind. Though it's reasonable to be afraid of getting into a car accident, we take it to the extreme.
If you pull over when you start to feel anxiety symptoms, you are not giving up.
I repeat. If you pull over when you start to feel anxiety symptoms, you are not giving up. Pushing too hard can hurt more than it helps.
A few months ago I drove to a historic cemetery I'd been wanting to go to. It was way out of my comfort zone, and I did it! But when I think about my trip, I don't think about how I made it to the cemetery. I think about how much I suffered on the way there-- heart pounding, throat swelling up, feeling like I was about to pass out. My phobia still tells me I got there just by the skin of my teeth. That I survived out of sheer dumb luck. And now, every time I think about pushing myself a little farther out of my comfort zone, I worry about suffering that much again, and next time something even worse could happen to me.
I made myself push through my panic symptoms, because I thought I'd feel like a failure if I didn't. But I wish I'd pulled over a few times on the way so I could catch my breath, do some PMPATH, and continue on.
In the words of another writer from The Worry Games, "People pull over all the time…to discipline their kids, to clean up spills, find a lit cigarette, to take a quick nap, to look at a map. Yet for some reason those of us who need to calm down, feel like there is something wrong with us if we do it."
"I say go for it! Pull that car off to the side of the road, or into a nearby parking lot. Give yourself permission to make this choice without a sense of shame. Don’t worry about losing control and crashing your car while looking for a safe spot – the chances of that happening are minuscule! Adrenaline is there to help us stay focused, keep us aware of our surroundings, and stay safe. Take some deep breaths as you use that adrenaline to find a safe place to pull over, and then continue breathing and speaking to yourself in a slow, calm, reassuring manner."
https://theworrygames.com/2017/12/10-ways-to-stop-a-panic-attack-while-driving/
Your phobia is like a little kid. If you tell a kid there are no monsters under the bed, he won't believe you. You have to take him by the hand and show him that there are no monsters under the bed, over and over again.
The fact that you can pull over whenever, without feeling like a failure, will bring you so much comfort that eventually you will stop panicking and won't even need to pull over.
----
CONTROLLING THE SYMPTOMS WITH BREATHING
So, pretty much, a lot of the symptoms you experience are fed by hyperventilation. In fact, many people hyperventilate, feel the symptoms, and label what they feel as panic!
"Physiological changes brought on by hyperventilation include increased alkalinity of nerve cells, which causes them to be more excitable. The result is that you feel nervous and jittery.
Decreased carbon dioxide in the blood, which can cause your heart to pump harder and faster as well as making lights seem brighter and sounds louder.
Increased constriction of blood vessels in your brain, which can cause feelings of dizziness, disorientation, and even a sense of unreality or separateness from your body."
"By slowing down your respiration and breathing from your abdomen, you can reverse two of the reactions associated with the fight-or-flight response-- increased respiratory rate and increased constriction of your chest wall muscles. After three or four minutes of slow, regular, abdominal breathing, you are likely to feel that you have slowed down a "runaway reaction" that was threatening to get out of control. "
"Slow, abdominal breathing, especially when done through your nose, can reduce symptoms of hyperventilation that may cause or aggravate a panic attack. The dizziness, disorientation, and tingly sensations associated with hyperventilation are produced by rapid, shallow, chest-level breathing. Three or four minutes of slow, abdominal breathing reverses this process and will eliminate hyperventilation systems."
The common recommendation is breathing into a paper bag, but further research on my end found that it was more of a placebo effect than anything else.
However, the book outlines an abdominal breathing exercise you can try.
POSITIVE COPING STATEMENTS: IT'S NOT ALL WOO-WOO BULLSHIT
"Oh," you say. "You're going to tell me to think positive and these symptoms will go away? Ever heard of the placebo effect?"
Well, your negative thinking (whether your thoughts were overt or your subconscious mind was mulling over things internally) got you into this situation. And positive thinking will help you out.
You can pull over and breathe all you want. But if you're thinking "I'm panicking again!! I'm such a failure! I'm never going to be able to do this!!" your body will release more adrenaline, and you're not going to get anywhere.
I hate to break it to you, but whenever you're doing exposure therapy for a phobia, you're going to get anxiety, at least a little bit. It's only natural when you're doing something new. But when you're about to downhill ski for the first time or leaning in for a first kiss with the dreamboat you've been crushing on for weeks, you're more apt to label these heart-racing feelings "excitement." It's all in the context.
I found an Instagram post by Karen Salmansohn that described fear as "nature's caffeine." "Fear and excitement feel a lot the same. Each speeds up breathing and gives an adrenaline rush. ... Since I figured this out, I renamed "scary" situations as "exciting" situations. And when faced with one, I no longer view myself as "fearful," but "in extra energy mode" to keep moving forward.
https://www.instagram.com/p/Bj7UwyEHTHK/
So keep some mantras in your back pocket.
"This anxiety is a good sign: it means I'm already experiencing exposure."
"I need this anxiety-- I can't complete exposure to the situation without feeling it."
"If you're not getting nervous at least three times a week, you're not trying enough."
Also, screw all this "comparing yourself to others" crap. So what if the people you know drive all over. This isn't new to them, but this is new to you. I guarantee they weren't all cool and collected as gangly, awkward 15-year-olds in Driver's Ed. Anyone, when faced with something new, will be nervous. Your life just so happened to play out that your beginning is now.
---
RAGE AGAINST THE MACHINE (sorry, I couldn't help myself)
The book says that anger and anxiety are incompatible responses, and that it's impossible to experience both at the same time. Lucky for you, in your car, no one can hear you scream.
"If you can get angry at your anxiety the moment it arises, you may stop it from building any further. You can do this either verbally or physically." New conspiracy theory: road rage is just misplaced anxiety. But yeah, don't go too far and be a dick.
The book says things like punching pillows, throwing eggs into the bathtub, and chopping wood. I don't recommend any of those things while operating a moving vehicle. Also, hitting things with your car à la Icona Pop may be exhilarating in the moment, but it's also something I don't recommend.
Thankfully, if no one can hear you sing in the car, no one can hear you scream in the car. Have Disturbed albums on repeat.
This other writer from The Worry Games backs me up on this, saying that screaming was the original way to scare away "the predator." She said she can keep a calm face and let out a primal scream without anyone around being the wiser, but I'm not sure I'm at that point yet.
https://theworrygames.com/2017/12/10-ways-to-stop-a-panic-attack-while-driving/
--
ONLY YOU CAN PREVENT PANIC ATTACKS
Of course, there are things you can do to prevent panic attacks. They probably won't stop every panic attack from happening, but, seriously, if you ran a few miles earlier that day, your body's probably too tired to pump out masses of adrenaline.
These prevention tips are straight from the book:
-- Regularly practice deep relaxation. It doesn't have to be boring and/or mentally draining. (I like the hypnosis videos by Michael Sealey on YouTube, and Progressive Muscle Relaxation is also a great way to get your body to relax.)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cQcd1LOmzas
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UHD4xNxgBec
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BpCioRUvpRk
-- A regular program of exercise. The more strenuous, the better. However, walking for 15 mins, 3 times a day, is doable. I have a friend who will watch movies while using an exercise bike. I will walk around my house in circles listening to some podcasts (there are some great ones on Spotify.)
-- Elimination of stimulants (esp. caffeine, sugar, and nicotine) from your diet. Also meth, coke, Adderall, Sudafed, what have you.
-- Learning to acknowledge and express your feelings. That shit will bottle up and start affecting you. For dealing with resentment and disappointment, google "The Work of Byron Katie" and do those worksheets (it's free.)
-- Adopting self-talk and "core beliefs" that promote a calmer and more accepting attitude toward life. Read some Eckhart Tolle.
tl;dr Panic attacks can't hurt you; the body has so many safeguards to make sure you don't die. You're not having a heart attack or passing out or any of that shit. You can reverse your panic before it gets to a certain point with certain breathing techniques, cognitive reframing, and maybe some good old fashioned rage-filled screaming.
submitted by cornucopacabana to drivinganxiety [link] [comments]
On the web, I see all this stuff about panic attacks being harmless. Sure, you'll feel like you're choking, and you'll feel like you're having a heart attack, and you'll feel like you're going to pass out, but you can just sit down, take some deep breaths, and you'll be fine.
Now imagine that all these things are happening to you as you're operating a moving vehicle speeding down the highway. And you're thinking, "Harmless? Uh, there's so much more at play here than just me and my body. I'm operating a moving vehicle and can run into other moving vehicles, people, and other obstacles. If I have a heart attack-- if I lose consciousness, that's it for me. I'm done."
But you're not going to lose consciousness.
"How can you be so sure? I mean, there are lives at stake here."
Well, don't trust me. Trust Edward J. Bourne. This information comes from The Anxiety & Phobia Workbook, by Edmund J. Bourne, Ph. D.
--
HEART ISSUES
"A panic attack cannot cause heart failure or cardiac arrest. ... According to Claire Weekes (1991), a healthy heart can beat two hundred beats per minute for days-- even weeks-- without sustaining any damage."
"During a true heart attack, the most common symptom is continuous pain and a pressured, even crushing sensation in the center of your chest. Racing or pounding of the heart may occur, but this is secondary to the pain. Moreover, the pain and pressure get worse upon exertion and may tend to diminish with rest. This is quite different than a panic attack, where racing and pounding may get worse if you stand still and lessen if you move around."
"In the case of heart disease, distinct abnormalities in heart rhythm show up on an electrocardiogram (EKG) reading. It has been demonstrated that during a panic attack there are no EKG abnormalities-- only rapid heartbeat. (If you want to gain additional reassurance, you may want to have your doctor perform an EKG.) In sum, there is simply no basis for the connection between heart attacks and panic. Panic attacks are not hazardous to your heart."
(More info on heart attacks from a different source.)
Yes, [heart attacks] can occur in rare cases, but the reality is that if you're younger than 40 and have no reason to believe you have any heart trouble, the likelihood of experiencing and surviving a heart attack is basically nothing. It is very, very rare for someone to have an undiagnosed heart condition that a doctor cannot find that they survive without issue. If there's no reason to think you could have a heart attack, you probably can't.
https://www.calmclinic.com/panic/panic-attack-or-heart-attack
CHOKING
"A panic attack will not cause you to stop breathing or suffocate. It is common during panic to feel your chest close down and your breathing become restricted. This might lead you to suddenly fear that you're going to suffocate. Under stress, your neck and chest muscles are tightening and reducing your respiratory capacity. Be assured that there is nothing wrong with your breathing passage or lungs, and that the tightening sensations will pass."
"Your brain has a built-in reflex mechanism that will eventually FORCE you to breathe if you're not getting enough oxygen. If you don't believe this, try holding your breath for up to a minute and observe what happens. At a certain point, you'll feel a strong reflex to take in more air. The same thing will happen in a panic attack if you're not getting enough oxygen. You'll automatically gasp and take a deep breath long before reaching the point where you could pass out from lack of oxygen."
PASSING OUT
"A panic attack cannot cause you to faint. The sensation of light-headedness you may feel with the onset of panic can evoke a fear of fainting. What is happening is that the blood circulation to your brain is slightly reduced, most likely because you are breathing more rapidly. This is not dangerous and can be relieved by breathing slowly and regularly from your abdomen, preferably through your nose."
"Let the feelings of light-headedness rise and subside without fighting them. Because your heart is pumping harder and actually increasing your circulation, you are very unlikely to faint."
ANAPHYLAXIS
(personal account from someone who had both panic attacks and anaphylaxis)
"My last episode of real anaphylaxis where my throat did close up had a very specific feeling like I had something lodged in it. I drank some cool water. Water went down fine. No blockages there! This was all in my mind."
"I would consider a physical blockage in my throat/mouth/palate (you literally cannot swallow), vomiting, cramps/diarreah, hives all over the body, and asthma/stridor (wheezing) undeniable proof and use the epipen."
http://peanutsurvival.com/index.php/2018/04/07/anaphylactic-shock-or-panic-attack/
Also, anaphylaxis is rarely caused by environmental allergens, and will happen within 3 to 30 minutes after ingesting something or being stung by an insect.
http://www.worldallergy.org/education-and-programs/education/allergic-disease-resource-centeprofessionals/anaphylaxis-synopsis
HYPOGLYCEMIA
(I have hypoglycemia and also suffer from panic attacks.)
Hypoglycemia comes on fast, but you tend to get the early symptoms like dizziness, irritability, lightheadedness, hanger, and feel those for a few minutes before going to the more severe symptoms like feeling like you're going to pass out.
When I get hypoglycemia, my brain gets full of fog and clumsy and I have that "can't make thoughts" feeling. That doesn't happen when I have a panic attack. But if you've gotten a glucose tolerance test and it's ruled out hypoglycemia, you should be good.
https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/hypoglycemia/symptoms-causes/syc-20373685
---
YOU CAN TURN THINGS AROUND
Now, these things in the above article talk about the worst-case scenario. You're not going to step right in the car and immediately feel like you're passing out right out of nowhere. No. Your anxiety takes a little time to build, and you can catch it and reverse it before you feel like you're about to lose control.
Yes. You can catch it and reverse it before you feel like it can impair your driving ability.
Anxiety comes in stages, as they describe in the Anxiety and Phobia Workbook.
- Calmness
- Passing twinge of anxiety, slightly nervous
- Butterflies in stomach, muscle tension, nervous
- Feeling uncomfortable but still in control, heart starting to beat faster, more rapid breathing, sweaty palms
- Feeling "spacey," muscles right, beginning to wonder about maintaining control
- Heart pounding, constricted breathing, spaciness or dizziness, compulsion to escape
So as soon as you start feeling those symptoms, remind yourself that these symptoms are all caused by your rapid breathing, and if you can fix your breathing, you can reverse this.
--
PULLING OVER IS NOT GIVING IN OR GIVING UP
What most of us have is a driving phobia. It's a completely irrational fear generated by the subconscious mind. Though it's reasonable to be afraid of getting into a car accident, we take it to the extreme.
If you pull over when you start to feel anxiety symptoms, you are not giving up.
I repeat. If you pull over when you start to feel anxiety symptoms, you are not giving up. Pushing too hard can hurt more than it helps.
A few months ago I drove to a historic cemetery I'd been wanting to go to. It was way out of my comfort zone, and I did it! But when I think about my trip, I don't think about how I made it to the cemetery. I think about how much I suffered on the way there-- heart pounding, throat swelling up, feeling like I was about to pass out. My phobia still tells me I got there just by the skin of my teeth. That I survived out of sheer dumb luck. And now, every time I think about pushing myself a little farther out of my comfort zone, I worry about suffering that much again, and next time something even worse could happen to me.
I made myself push through my panic symptoms, because I thought I'd feel like a failure if I didn't. But I wish I'd pulled over a few times on the way so I could catch my breath, do some PMPATH, and continue on.
In the words of another writer from The Worry Games, "People pull over all the time…to discipline their kids, to clean up spills, find a lit cigarette, to take a quick nap, to look at a map. Yet for some reason those of us who need to calm down, feel like there is something wrong with us if we do it."
"I say go for it! Pull that car off to the side of the road, or into a nearby parking lot. Give yourself permission to make this choice without a sense of shame. Don’t worry about losing control and crashing your car while looking for a safe spot – the chances of that happening are minuscule! Adrenaline is there to help us stay focused, keep us aware of our surroundings, and stay safe. Take some deep breaths as you use that adrenaline to find a safe place to pull over, and then continue breathing and speaking to yourself in a slow, calm, reassuring manner."
https://theworrygames.com/2017/12/10-ways-to-stop-a-panic-attack-while-driving/
Your phobia is like a little kid. If you tell a kid there are no monsters under the bed, he won't believe you. You have to take him by the hand and show him that there are no monsters under the bed, over and over again.
The fact that you can pull over whenever, without feeling like a failure, will bring you so much comfort that eventually you will stop panicking and won't even need to pull over.
----
CONTROLLING THE SYMPTOMS WITH BREATHING
So, pretty much, a lot of the symptoms you experience are fed by hyperventilation. In fact, many people hyperventilate, feel the symptoms, and label what they feel as panic!
"Physiological changes brought on by hyperventilation include increased alkalinity of nerve cells, which causes them to be more excitable. The result is that you feel nervous and jittery.
Decreased carbon dioxide in the blood, which can cause your heart to pump harder and faster as well as making lights seem brighter and sounds louder.
Increased constriction of blood vessels in your brain, which can cause feelings of dizziness, disorientation, and even a sense of unreality or separateness from your body."
"By slowing down your respiration and breathing from your abdomen, you can reverse two of the reactions associated with the fight-or-flight response-- increased respiratory rate and increased constriction of your chest wall muscles. After three or four minutes of slow, regular, abdominal breathing, you are likely to feel that you have slowed down a "runaway reaction" that was threatening to get out of control. "
"Slow, abdominal breathing, especially when done through your nose, can reduce symptoms of hyperventilation that may cause or aggravate a panic attack. The dizziness, disorientation, and tingly sensations associated with hyperventilation are produced by rapid, shallow, chest-level breathing. Three or four minutes of slow, abdominal breathing reverses this process and will eliminate hyperventilation systems."
The common recommendation is breathing into a paper bag, but further research on my end found that it was more of a placebo effect than anything else.
However, the book outlines an abdominal breathing exercise you can try.
- Place your hand on your abdomen beneath your ribcage. (This is optional, but a good thing to add if you're pulled over.)
- Breathe through your nose. Try to make your hand rise and fall when you breathe in and out through your diaphragm.
- Inhale. Count to 5 as you slowly take air in.
- Pause and hold your breath to a count of five.
- Exhale slowly through your nose or mouth to a count of 5.
- Breathe normally for a few breaths, then do it again.
POSITIVE COPING STATEMENTS: IT'S NOT ALL WOO-WOO BULLSHIT
"Oh," you say. "You're going to tell me to think positive and these symptoms will go away? Ever heard of the placebo effect?"
Well, your negative thinking (whether your thoughts were overt or your subconscious mind was mulling over things internally) got you into this situation. And positive thinking will help you out.
You can pull over and breathe all you want. But if you're thinking "I'm panicking again!! I'm such a failure! I'm never going to be able to do this!!" your body will release more adrenaline, and you're not going to get anywhere.
I hate to break it to you, but whenever you're doing exposure therapy for a phobia, you're going to get anxiety, at least a little bit. It's only natural when you're doing something new. But when you're about to downhill ski for the first time or leaning in for a first kiss with the dreamboat you've been crushing on for weeks, you're more apt to label these heart-racing feelings "excitement." It's all in the context.
I found an Instagram post by Karen Salmansohn that described fear as "nature's caffeine." "Fear and excitement feel a lot the same. Each speeds up breathing and gives an adrenaline rush. ... Since I figured this out, I renamed "scary" situations as "exciting" situations. And when faced with one, I no longer view myself as "fearful," but "in extra energy mode" to keep moving forward.
https://www.instagram.com/p/Bj7UwyEHTHK/
So keep some mantras in your back pocket.
"This anxiety is a good sign: it means I'm already experiencing exposure."
"I need this anxiety-- I can't complete exposure to the situation without feeling it."
"If you're not getting nervous at least three times a week, you're not trying enough."
Also, screw all this "comparing yourself to others" crap. So what if the people you know drive all over. This isn't new to them, but this is new to you. I guarantee they weren't all cool and collected as gangly, awkward 15-year-olds in Driver's Ed. Anyone, when faced with something new, will be nervous. Your life just so happened to play out that your beginning is now.
---
RAGE AGAINST THE MACHINE (sorry, I couldn't help myself)
The book says that anger and anxiety are incompatible responses, and that it's impossible to experience both at the same time. Lucky for you, in your car, no one can hear you scream.
"If you can get angry at your anxiety the moment it arises, you may stop it from building any further. You can do this either verbally or physically." New conspiracy theory: road rage is just misplaced anxiety. But yeah, don't go too far and be a dick.
The book says things like punching pillows, throwing eggs into the bathtub, and chopping wood. I don't recommend any of those things while operating a moving vehicle. Also, hitting things with your car à la Icona Pop may be exhilarating in the moment, but it's also something I don't recommend.
Thankfully, if no one can hear you sing in the car, no one can hear you scream in the car. Have Disturbed albums on repeat.
This other writer from The Worry Games backs me up on this, saying that screaming was the original way to scare away "the predator." She said she can keep a calm face and let out a primal scream without anyone around being the wiser, but I'm not sure I'm at that point yet.
https://theworrygames.com/2017/12/10-ways-to-stop-a-panic-attack-while-driving/
--
ONLY YOU CAN PREVENT PANIC ATTACKS
Of course, there are things you can do to prevent panic attacks. They probably won't stop every panic attack from happening, but, seriously, if you ran a few miles earlier that day, your body's probably too tired to pump out masses of adrenaline.
These prevention tips are straight from the book:
-- Regularly practice deep relaxation. It doesn't have to be boring and/or mentally draining. (I like the hypnosis videos by Michael Sealey on YouTube, and Progressive Muscle Relaxation is also a great way to get your body to relax.)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cQcd1LOmzas
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UHD4xNxgBec
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BpCioRUvpRk
-- A regular program of exercise. The more strenuous, the better. However, walking for 15 mins, 3 times a day, is doable. I have a friend who will watch movies while using an exercise bike. I will walk around my house in circles listening to some podcasts (there are some great ones on Spotify.)
-- Elimination of stimulants (esp. caffeine, sugar, and nicotine) from your diet. Also meth, coke, Adderall, Sudafed, what have you.
-- Learning to acknowledge and express your feelings. That shit will bottle up and start affecting you. For dealing with resentment and disappointment, google "The Work of Byron Katie" and do those worksheets (it's free.)
-- Adopting self-talk and "core beliefs" that promote a calmer and more accepting attitude toward life. Read some Eckhart Tolle.
tl;dr Panic attacks can't hurt you; the body has so many safeguards to make sure you don't die. You're not having a heart attack or passing out or any of that shit. You can reverse your panic before it gets to a certain point with certain breathing techniques, cognitive reframing, and maybe some good old fashioned rage-filled screaming.
2016.07.22 05:15 ahhhhmyprojectisdue DESPERATELY need help for assignment to determine whether there is an increasing trend, what test do I use?
Ok, so my professor hasn't replied to any of my emails for clarification of questions. The assignment is due today and I am desperate because it's 20% of my grade. Here's what I have:
An excel file with three spreadsheets. I am meant to create a new one and manipulate the data in the other three.
In the first spreadsheet I have a column of county names and a row of years (2005-2012) as a header, each column has the number of patients afflicted with asthma for ED patients for each year in each county. The second spreadsheet is exactly the same but for INP patients and the years are from 1991-2012. The third spreadsheet I am given has the population for each of the counties listed, by year.
Here's the exact question I am given: "The purpose of this exercise is to examine whether the incidence of one such disease (asthma) has increased. First, show statistically whether inpatient and ED episodes triggered by ASTHMA have increased. Use the data in the excel spreadsheet. You can do this using the regression tool from week 8, regressing the number of cases (for the entire state) per 1000 population on the year. This will tell you if the upward trend is statistically significant. First, you will need to calculate the cases per 1000 population in a new worksheet in the excel file (this effectively eliminates the influence of population growth). Do not do this in the same worksheet as the asthma data as you will need it for the GIS part of the exercise. You will need to do two regressions (one for inpatient and one for ED).
What to turn in: 1. Format the regression output and turn in the result table (for both inpatient and ED) 2. Indicate whether the increase/decrease in cases was statistically significant. For this, you have to interpret the coefficient on the year variable. In other words, is there an external factor causing the increase or is it simply due to population growth?"
So I know I have to use regression and we have been looking at linear and logistic regressions in the past two weeks. I don't see any way that the outcome variable could be a 0,1 variable so I'm leaning towards linear regression but I may be wrong (especially as we're told to use the same procedures as week 8 and that's when we learned logistic regression?) However, my main concern is that I don't know what my outcome variable will be. I think my null hypothesis will be:
asthma rate for ED patients in 2005 = asthma rate for ED patients in 2006 = ... = asthma rate for ED patients in 2012
and the same for INP patients.
However, to assess that, I am also given the population rate increases. Would those population rate increases be my outcome variable?
I am sorry for the long post and sorry that I even have to ask this so desperately. I truly have no one else to ask though. I am an online student living in a foreign country so I can't even go into the university. I know no one else in the course or anyone else who has even ever taken the course so ANY help would be GREATLY appreciated!!
submitted by ahhhhmyprojectisdue to publichealth [link] [comments]
An excel file with three spreadsheets. I am meant to create a new one and manipulate the data in the other three.
In the first spreadsheet I have a column of county names and a row of years (2005-2012) as a header, each column has the number of patients afflicted with asthma for ED patients for each year in each county. The second spreadsheet is exactly the same but for INP patients and the years are from 1991-2012. The third spreadsheet I am given has the population for each of the counties listed, by year.
Here's the exact question I am given: "The purpose of this exercise is to examine whether the incidence of one such disease (asthma) has increased. First, show statistically whether inpatient and ED episodes triggered by ASTHMA have increased. Use the data in the excel spreadsheet. You can do this using the regression tool from week 8, regressing the number of cases (for the entire state) per 1000 population on the year. This will tell you if the upward trend is statistically significant. First, you will need to calculate the cases per 1000 population in a new worksheet in the excel file (this effectively eliminates the influence of population growth). Do not do this in the same worksheet as the asthma data as you will need it for the GIS part of the exercise. You will need to do two regressions (one for inpatient and one for ED).
What to turn in: 1. Format the regression output and turn in the result table (for both inpatient and ED) 2. Indicate whether the increase/decrease in cases was statistically significant. For this, you have to interpret the coefficient on the year variable. In other words, is there an external factor causing the increase or is it simply due to population growth?"
So I know I have to use regression and we have been looking at linear and logistic regressions in the past two weeks. I don't see any way that the outcome variable could be a 0,1 variable so I'm leaning towards linear regression but I may be wrong (especially as we're told to use the same procedures as week 8 and that's when we learned logistic regression?) However, my main concern is that I don't know what my outcome variable will be. I think my null hypothesis will be:
asthma rate for ED patients in 2005 = asthma rate for ED patients in 2006 = ... = asthma rate for ED patients in 2012
and the same for INP patients.
However, to assess that, I am also given the population rate increases. Would those population rate increases be my outcome variable?
I am sorry for the long post and sorry that I even have to ask this so desperately. I truly have no one else to ask though. I am an online student living in a foreign country so I can't even go into the university. I know no one else in the course or anyone else who has even ever taken the course so ANY help would be GREATLY appreciated!!
2015.04.08 18:31 AlejQueTriste How my High school handles Tardys How should I approach this?
First off, I don't want you pity. I'm not trying to make this into a sob story.
little terminology
ISS - In School Suspension, basically where all the idiots who can't handle being in a classroom for and hour and a half
ASD - After school detention, self explanatory.
Background; I'm a honoap student, with a 3.5 GPA. I never study and I procrastinate. I am not 'self motivated' and do poorly in online courses(too many distractions). I am diagnosed with Sleep apnea, Asthma and ADHD (never really used any sort of treatment for any of these, symptoms really never showed). I wear glasses because of my astigmatism. My high school is treats tardy's like this;first four tardys you get an ASD, if you don't show up for those you get Saturday School (7:30AM-10:30AM), and if you fail to show up to that you get ISS, after your 4th tardy to any period you are sent to ISS for the rest of the day no matter how late you are but if you go in the class 45 mintues in which is half the period it counts as an absence and you are not sent to ISS,
Recently this year and late last year December - few weeks ago; I fell very very ill after getting bronchitis I went through several antibiotics for my cough and immense amount of sinus drainage (not a -cough cough- kind of cough more like a -cough I am the devil trying to steal your body and roam amongst the living cough- kind of cough, coughing up mucous 90% of the time) The horrid coughing continued for about 5 months, I went in and our of the hospital along with a few ER visits until I was prescribed with a steroid which happen to be the only thing to have the slightest amount of effect on my cough, but after the 10 day prescription I was back to coughing, I had an albuterol inhaler which I had not the slightest idea to use correctly, So I would take 3 - 6 hits at a time to help me breathing It would make me so nervous and awake I'd feel like every time I breathed I'd feel my lungs expand, this was just to be able to breath/stop coughing long enough to watch a TV show or look at my piling make up work. Along with this horrid cough my sleep apnea went from manageable to horrible I would wake up gasping for a breath of air. there would be very little nights I had a uninterrupted 8 hours of sleep. most recently I was diagnosed with 27 highly reactive allergies that I was completely unaware of. I did an allergy test which would test what I was allergic They scraped pollen and other irritants on my back and they would examine the reactions 15 minutes later; within the first 2 minutes I was breaking out in hives. Once we realized it was allergies and not some weird sickness I started taking Cetrizine daily and was prescribed a maintenance inhaler symbicort I think and now im cured of the wretched coughing. Even though I no longer cough my sleep apnea seemed to have effected me more still. I would wake up in the middle of the night gasping and have poorly slept nights, this is where the point of this reddit post comes, I am nearly failing my senor year because of how tardies work, I would have a horrible time waking up for school getting 3 - 4 hours of sleep a night exhausted me, and "being sleepy" was not an excusable reason of being late. I've been in ISS more often than class, and let me tell you. ISS is an empty room where you must sit and hope a teacher has the courtesy to send any work to you or just sit in silence literally the equivalent of being absence for the entire day. It doesn't matter if you're 1 minute late or 30 minutes late you're stuck in ISS for the entire day. This means I can't do test/Labs/projects/movies/take notes/ only worksheets and if I try to work on a paper or something the computers that are in that room have so slow it takes 15 minutes to log in and another 10 minutes to open Microsoft word with the constant freezing it's nearly impossible to do any school work on the computers. I would rather be at home, at least their I can use a computer that doesn't freeze on me every 10 minutes. i've tried contacting the county office and even have debates with our principal nothing seem to be working, what should I do? how else can I approach this. ( I am taking another sleep study 4/9/2015, which if I am re-diagnosed with Sleep apnea I will be prescribed a machine thing that helps me breath at night)
tl;dr My school has a 4 late - go straight to ISS do not pass go, which has nearly made me fail because how often I am late due to Sleep apnea/recent allergies
submitted by AlejQueTriste to needadvice [link] [comments]
little terminology
ISS - In School Suspension, basically where all the idiots who can't handle being in a classroom for and hour and a half
ASD - After school detention, self explanatory.
Background; I'm a honoap student, with a 3.5 GPA. I never study and I procrastinate. I am not 'self motivated' and do poorly in online courses(too many distractions). I am diagnosed with Sleep apnea, Asthma and ADHD (never really used any sort of treatment for any of these, symptoms really never showed). I wear glasses because of my astigmatism. My high school is treats tardy's like this;first four tardys you get an ASD, if you don't show up for those you get Saturday School (7:30AM-10:30AM), and if you fail to show up to that you get ISS, after your 4th tardy to any period you are sent to ISS for the rest of the day no matter how late you are but if you go in the class 45 mintues in which is half the period it counts as an absence and you are not sent to ISS,
Recently this year and late last year December - few weeks ago; I fell very very ill after getting bronchitis I went through several antibiotics for my cough and immense amount of sinus drainage (not a -cough cough- kind of cough more like a -cough I am the devil trying to steal your body and roam amongst the living cough- kind of cough, coughing up mucous 90% of the time) The horrid coughing continued for about 5 months, I went in and our of the hospital along with a few ER visits until I was prescribed with a steroid which happen to be the only thing to have the slightest amount of effect on my cough, but after the 10 day prescription I was back to coughing, I had an albuterol inhaler which I had not the slightest idea to use correctly, So I would take 3 - 6 hits at a time to help me breathing It would make me so nervous and awake I'd feel like every time I breathed I'd feel my lungs expand, this was just to be able to breath/stop coughing long enough to watch a TV show or look at my piling make up work. Along with this horrid cough my sleep apnea went from manageable to horrible I would wake up gasping for a breath of air. there would be very little nights I had a uninterrupted 8 hours of sleep. most recently I was diagnosed with 27 highly reactive allergies that I was completely unaware of. I did an allergy test which would test what I was allergic They scraped pollen and other irritants on my back and they would examine the reactions 15 minutes later; within the first 2 minutes I was breaking out in hives. Once we realized it was allergies and not some weird sickness I started taking Cetrizine daily and was prescribed a maintenance inhaler symbicort I think and now im cured of the wretched coughing. Even though I no longer cough my sleep apnea seemed to have effected me more still. I would wake up in the middle of the night gasping and have poorly slept nights, this is where the point of this reddit post comes, I am nearly failing my senor year because of how tardies work, I would have a horrible time waking up for school getting 3 - 4 hours of sleep a night exhausted me, and "being sleepy" was not an excusable reason of being late. I've been in ISS more often than class, and let me tell you. ISS is an empty room where you must sit and hope a teacher has the courtesy to send any work to you or just sit in silence literally the equivalent of being absence for the entire day. It doesn't matter if you're 1 minute late or 30 minutes late you're stuck in ISS for the entire day. This means I can't do test/Labs/projects/movies/take notes/ only worksheets and if I try to work on a paper or something the computers that are in that room have so slow it takes 15 minutes to log in and another 10 minutes to open Microsoft word with the constant freezing it's nearly impossible to do any school work on the computers. I would rather be at home, at least their I can use a computer that doesn't freeze on me every 10 minutes. i've tried contacting the county office and even have debates with our principal nothing seem to be working, what should I do? how else can I approach this. ( I am taking another sleep study 4/9/2015, which if I am re-diagnosed with Sleep apnea I will be prescribed a machine thing that helps me breath at night)
tl;dr My school has a 4 late - go straight to ISS do not pass go, which has nearly made me fail because how often I am late due to Sleep apnea/recent allergies
2012.11.22 02:07 pixel8 Dundee Ranch survivor tells of the raid and riot when it was closed, and his escape into the Costa Rican jungles
This story is amazing, I think more people should read it and know what happened to this kid. This is not my story, I am posting it on behalf of the survivor who wrote it...and lived through it.
Testament to Abuse at Narvin Litchfield’s Dundee Ranch academy in Costa Ricca Ranch Academy costa 2003—abusive teen behavior modification center that was shut down..
By Cody Seth Crawford
My life began as an uneventfull birth at a local hospital in Portland Oregon, on September 26 1986 I was a good baby as my mother puts it. I was not a crier and would sit where I was put. I was the second male child of two proud parents, Ted and Robin Crawford. My dad worked at Boeing as a machinist and my mom was still working real estate selling mobile homes. I was the first Newberg school district kid to be put into early intervention. (Special Ed.) in 1991 for unspecified central auditory processing disorder’s. School was tough for me as I was always the butt of jokes and it seemed like people would just choose me as a easy target for their frustrations. Fast forward to when I was eight and lucked out by getting big role in a movie! I was cast as Michael Cunningham in the Hit NBC miniseries “DEAD BY SUNSET” 1995. I also did a lot of radio and television commercials, and was a cast member of the Portland Opera for 2 years.
I did not start drinking until a neighbor that owns a vineyard and was trusted by my family would give me wine mixed with kool aid when she would volunteer to watch me and my brother…We ate cheese pizza and got smashed..and I was only nine. I subsequently was abused and did not report it at the time. My father took my movie money and split the day before my tenth birthday.. All the abuse was kept hidden from my mom, who does not drink. This went on until I was 11.
I was 13 when I started using Cannibus , to calm my anxiety and fears .. At the time I thought of it as a medicine that kept me stable as I had a new diagnosis of NON VERBAL LEARNING Dissability,, My friend channing Hammonds introduced me to the drug. I was in 8’th grade and the only student that was in special ed. And the nova program(talented and gifted) at my school..I was doing a special project on medical marijuana for the Nova class and got in too deep into the druggie culture at the school.. I was arrested for distributing! My name was associated with cannabis so I was to blame. I was no longer able to self medicate away my life problems with cannabis(pre-trial drug testing), so I switched back to alcohol.. This was a horrible mistake.
My friend channing lived a rougher life and came from a broken home. It was not a great leap for us to steal the first couple of cases of wine from the Red Barn tasting room on the Maresh Winery in Dundee Oregon. We each had a motive, mine was to suppress pain and take back from my abusers, channings was money(he sold his part he did not drink). We stole wine from the same place three times. This was all one summer in 2001. My drinking increased and four more teen boys were subsequently involved in stealing alcohol with me. I finally got to trial and all the charges were stacked so high I saw no exit. I had been in and out of the Yamhill county detention lock up more times than I could count by then.
But My mothers sister Jamie Baxter offered hope! Jamie and Jeff(her husband) told a wonderfull story of therapeutic youth reform through the wonderfull WWASP program(world wide association of spaecialty schools)…I was rooting for it too, since Judge Collins gave me an option of graduating the wwasp program before my 18’th birthday or be award of the state till I was 21. Jeff Baxter testified in Collin’s courtroom about how the wwasp program had saved his own son steven(my cousin) and how I would not receive corporal punishment. And how all my special needs would be met! The program had a representative testify over the phone as the Judge looked through the glossy pamphlet about Dundee Ranch. I was so hopefull that I would finnaly get the therapy that I so desperately needed! Reality check, my mom was court ordered to pay 2,000 a month in tuition when she had lost her job. I was released from juvenile hall and my mom and sister drove me to sanfrancisco where I got a passport in only two days. Then I was on a plane to Sanjose Costa Ricca. I was positive and so hopefull.
My first day at Dundee, after driving for what seemed like hours in the middle of a huge jungle and past smoke spewing volcanoes and crossing a mountain range the climate was like someone left the shower on highest heat and shut the door. I was sweating, and had on shorts, My mom and sister were not allowed to examine the school , they only got to see the preplanned show they put on for all parents and officials. I said good bye and that I loved them.. Narvin Lichfield ; Mr Bailey and Locksley and Conrad had the control now.
I was always trained to make eye contact with the people around me(special education) this was the first thing I was in trouble for since it was against the rules at Dundee. We ate nothing but rice and beans and water( I had not earned the privaledge of meats and juice) I was in shock at the conditions. I was new and lowest level so I had a bunk in the hall,no airconditioning, no mosquito nets, and we slept under a tin roof. There was bats and birds and all maner of insect that lived with us. As I recall the ( dorms I was in housed over 100 boys) It was about 7o feet by 25 or so. The upper level students had rooms that slept from five to 8 students and they had fans or airconditioners mounted in the windows..The windows with bars on them. We shared a toilet that was regularly clogged..There was no soap to wash my hands, and no toilet paper most of the time and we would use old magazines or worksheets that you would have to do when vilating one of the many rules. We did line count first thing in the morning and before lights out..All students were required to walk in line formation to the front parking lot and Hollar our number in order. We had forty five seconds to a minute to jump out of our bunks and get our shoes on and be at that count..twice a day. The upper level students were allowed to give us punishments, there were many cases of intimidation and black mail of first level students.
Our education was a complete skam! The textbooks were nothing more than very badly photocopied textbooks with many of the pages unleagable and any color chart in theme made absolutely no sense! I was promised I would be allowed to use my special education laptop for my diagnosis of AUTISM. This was stopped by upper level students complaining to Daniel (family representative) that it was unfair that I was allowed to type assignments on the computer.
I was accused of smuggling in marijuana! Mr. Locksley claimed to have found three cannabis seeds in my belongings. Instead of fighting them I had learned to go along with the program. So I wrote a 15, ooo page S.A. in pen about how I had smuggled it in and what were my intentions. I consider it the greatest work of fiction I could ever write. I was not allowed a meal or restroom breaks until I completed the S.A. This was more than one day, but Mr. .Locksley helped me with the content and told me specifically what to write. Then I was put into Observation placement for one day... it is a little shed with two bare rooms about 7x7 and my face was pushed into human excrement by one of the staff.I was not allowed to look to see who. I was then made to kneel on my knees with my nose on the wall for the rest of the day. I was not allowed water and there were little stones that hurt to kneel on so much. I remember crying and being told that was punishable too. I also have a knee disorder that is genetic and is called Osgood-Schlatter Disease that made this worst.
I survived the punishment and was allowed to attend my first and only “SEMINAR”. The seminar was led by a red haired woman that appeared to be late forties /mid fifties.I had trouble telling if she was a she even. I remember beating the floor with a towel and cussing about how much I hate my parents (this was required of all Dundee students) we were screaming, crying, and forced to do this if you wanted to graduate. The girls we never saw were at the same seminar( in the computer lab) and were made to get up on the little “stage” and admit to being sluts and prostitutes , to call themselves bitches and whores! The audience was encouraged to join in.and did cheerfully. I had never read the lord of the flies but this was it! I was partnered up with a young woman. (About 14) that whispered to me she was raped at the school by staff. I was so concentrated on my own program that I did not do anything about this and knew to keep silent, don’t look people in the eyes and just stare at the ground.
I was sick the whole time at the place, with some form of dysentery. I received no medicine for this and sometimes was not given my allergy medicine( I was allergic to rice) I had an asthma attack every day during forced exercise in front of the calm looking swimming pool. I remember MR. Baily say “look children, the nice cool water. You will never get to touch it” We did one to three hour workouts depending on the mood of the staff and if it was to unbearable for the staff to even sitting drinking ice water watching us. I would hear other kids screaming and begging for help from the observation placement, when they would return they would be silent and sometimes have many bruises on their body and face. We were not allowed access to a phone, my grandma was dying and I got one phone call of about 3 minutes, and they hung it up once I told her that it was bad there.
The school was shut down and raided by the Costa Rican’s shortly thereafter and I was told I could leave. So I first left on my own through the jungle. I was caught by Mr. Locksley and Conrad (Jamaican staff/enforcers) they caught up to me in a mango grove. I picked up a tree branch then dropped it. Conrad and Locksley were on me and slapping me in my face… They got a call on their warlike talkie and I was put on the back of a motorcycle and driven to the school again. This time I got right off at the gate and ran to the Costa Rican police and he looked just as shocked at the situation. There were kids running loose, staff chasing kids, upper levels chasing lower levels with sticks. I saw a Costa Rican woman and asked her to save me. I walked out the front gate past the armed guard with for other kids. We all jumped in the back of the P>A>N>N>I> truck which was driven by the woman. Me and C.J. jumped out at the first town and flagged a taxi, the Taxi driver knew we had no money and only drove us to a little bar. We asked them for Water. We got real ice water!
The police and the woman pulled up and we got back in the truck. I remember throwing my Dundee Ranch shirt out on the dirt road... A Farwell to that chapter of my life. Me and the others were sent to a police substation were we all tried to call home. I do not believe any of us got through. It was nighttime now and we were loaded into a range rover that was set up for search and rescue. The one girl with us was intimately involved with one of the other boys now so they had a nice drive it would seem. We were taken to a children’s shelter, given a happy meal each and me and CJ went to the park right up the block to find a payphone, I remember a costariccan man trying to talk Spanish to us that had followed us from the shelter. At the park Cj met a drug dealer and bought a joint for a handful of skittles the police had given him. We stood there smoked it right in front of the PANNI worker. I was calmed down then and wanted to get more happymeals.
Me and CJ were transferred to a Bars on everthing child orphanage in San Pedro. To me I thought it was a prison and a little boy from Jamaica that was there who was the only English speaker told me about how he was there for two years and had not seen his parents the whole time. I asked if he wanted to come, He said he was afraid. He was a big help and held my belt while I twisted it around the bars to the laundry room, I used a wooden leg I tore off the bunk beds as a leverage device. I had to strip nude to slip through. I then found myself locked in another room with no windows to get through, there was a metal roof however and I piled washing machines on washing machines and kicked with everything I had. It was noisier than a storm! I got through and jumped from the edge of the roof over a razor wire fence which was a 12 – 14 foot drop. I was out to find the United States embassy, and was praying to be reunited with my family. I was not reported missing by wwasp or the costariccans for ten days… I met my mom at the airport along with some journalist I had contacted through a Good Samaritan Named Isaac Wabe that was my street guide for the week.
This is a very simple condensed history of my time at Dundee Ranch.
submitted by pixel8 to troubledteens [link] [comments]
By Cody Seth Crawford
My life began as an uneventfull birth at a local hospital in Portland Oregon, on September 26 1986 I was a good baby as my mother puts it. I was not a crier and would sit where I was put. I was the second male child of two proud parents, Ted and Robin Crawford. My dad worked at Boeing as a machinist and my mom was still working real estate selling mobile homes. I was the first Newberg school district kid to be put into early intervention. (Special Ed.) in 1991 for unspecified central auditory processing disorder’s. School was tough for me as I was always the butt of jokes and it seemed like people would just choose me as a easy target for their frustrations. Fast forward to when I was eight and lucked out by getting big role in a movie! I was cast as Michael Cunningham in the Hit NBC miniseries “DEAD BY SUNSET” 1995. I also did a lot of radio and television commercials, and was a cast member of the Portland Opera for 2 years.
I did not start drinking until a neighbor that owns a vineyard and was trusted by my family would give me wine mixed with kool aid when she would volunteer to watch me and my brother…We ate cheese pizza and got smashed..and I was only nine. I subsequently was abused and did not report it at the time. My father took my movie money and split the day before my tenth birthday.. All the abuse was kept hidden from my mom, who does not drink. This went on until I was 11.
I was 13 when I started using Cannibus , to calm my anxiety and fears .. At the time I thought of it as a medicine that kept me stable as I had a new diagnosis of NON VERBAL LEARNING Dissability,, My friend channing Hammonds introduced me to the drug. I was in 8’th grade and the only student that was in special ed. And the nova program(talented and gifted) at my school..I was doing a special project on medical marijuana for the Nova class and got in too deep into the druggie culture at the school.. I was arrested for distributing! My name was associated with cannabis so I was to blame. I was no longer able to self medicate away my life problems with cannabis(pre-trial drug testing), so I switched back to alcohol.. This was a horrible mistake.
My friend channing lived a rougher life and came from a broken home. It was not a great leap for us to steal the first couple of cases of wine from the Red Barn tasting room on the Maresh Winery in Dundee Oregon. We each had a motive, mine was to suppress pain and take back from my abusers, channings was money(he sold his part he did not drink). We stole wine from the same place three times. This was all one summer in 2001. My drinking increased and four more teen boys were subsequently involved in stealing alcohol with me. I finally got to trial and all the charges were stacked so high I saw no exit. I had been in and out of the Yamhill county detention lock up more times than I could count by then.
But My mothers sister Jamie Baxter offered hope! Jamie and Jeff(her husband) told a wonderfull story of therapeutic youth reform through the wonderfull WWASP program(world wide association of spaecialty schools)…I was rooting for it too, since Judge Collins gave me an option of graduating the wwasp program before my 18’th birthday or be award of the state till I was 21. Jeff Baxter testified in Collin’s courtroom about how the wwasp program had saved his own son steven(my cousin) and how I would not receive corporal punishment. And how all my special needs would be met! The program had a representative testify over the phone as the Judge looked through the glossy pamphlet about Dundee Ranch. I was so hopefull that I would finnaly get the therapy that I so desperately needed! Reality check, my mom was court ordered to pay 2,000 a month in tuition when she had lost her job. I was released from juvenile hall and my mom and sister drove me to sanfrancisco where I got a passport in only two days. Then I was on a plane to Sanjose Costa Ricca. I was positive and so hopefull.
My first day at Dundee, after driving for what seemed like hours in the middle of a huge jungle and past smoke spewing volcanoes and crossing a mountain range the climate was like someone left the shower on highest heat and shut the door. I was sweating, and had on shorts, My mom and sister were not allowed to examine the school , they only got to see the preplanned show they put on for all parents and officials. I said good bye and that I loved them.. Narvin Lichfield ; Mr Bailey and Locksley and Conrad had the control now.
I was always trained to make eye contact with the people around me(special education) this was the first thing I was in trouble for since it was against the rules at Dundee. We ate nothing but rice and beans and water( I had not earned the privaledge of meats and juice) I was in shock at the conditions. I was new and lowest level so I had a bunk in the hall,no airconditioning, no mosquito nets, and we slept under a tin roof. There was bats and birds and all maner of insect that lived with us. As I recall the ( dorms I was in housed over 100 boys) It was about 7o feet by 25 or so. The upper level students had rooms that slept from five to 8 students and they had fans or airconditioners mounted in the windows..The windows with bars on them. We shared a toilet that was regularly clogged..There was no soap to wash my hands, and no toilet paper most of the time and we would use old magazines or worksheets that you would have to do when vilating one of the many rules. We did line count first thing in the morning and before lights out..All students were required to walk in line formation to the front parking lot and Hollar our number in order. We had forty five seconds to a minute to jump out of our bunks and get our shoes on and be at that count..twice a day. The upper level students were allowed to give us punishments, there were many cases of intimidation and black mail of first level students.
Our education was a complete skam! The textbooks were nothing more than very badly photocopied textbooks with many of the pages unleagable and any color chart in theme made absolutely no sense! I was promised I would be allowed to use my special education laptop for my diagnosis of AUTISM. This was stopped by upper level students complaining to Daniel (family representative) that it was unfair that I was allowed to type assignments on the computer.
I was accused of smuggling in marijuana! Mr. Locksley claimed to have found three cannabis seeds in my belongings. Instead of fighting them I had learned to go along with the program. So I wrote a 15, ooo page S.A. in pen about how I had smuggled it in and what were my intentions. I consider it the greatest work of fiction I could ever write. I was not allowed a meal or restroom breaks until I completed the S.A. This was more than one day, but Mr. .Locksley helped me with the content and told me specifically what to write. Then I was put into Observation placement for one day... it is a little shed with two bare rooms about 7x7 and my face was pushed into human excrement by one of the staff.I was not allowed to look to see who. I was then made to kneel on my knees with my nose on the wall for the rest of the day. I was not allowed water and there were little stones that hurt to kneel on so much. I remember crying and being told that was punishable too. I also have a knee disorder that is genetic and is called Osgood-Schlatter Disease that made this worst.
I survived the punishment and was allowed to attend my first and only “SEMINAR”. The seminar was led by a red haired woman that appeared to be late forties /mid fifties.I had trouble telling if she was a she even. I remember beating the floor with a towel and cussing about how much I hate my parents (this was required of all Dundee students) we were screaming, crying, and forced to do this if you wanted to graduate. The girls we never saw were at the same seminar( in the computer lab) and were made to get up on the little “stage” and admit to being sluts and prostitutes , to call themselves bitches and whores! The audience was encouraged to join in.and did cheerfully. I had never read the lord of the flies but this was it! I was partnered up with a young woman. (About 14) that whispered to me she was raped at the school by staff. I was so concentrated on my own program that I did not do anything about this and knew to keep silent, don’t look people in the eyes and just stare at the ground.
I was sick the whole time at the place, with some form of dysentery. I received no medicine for this and sometimes was not given my allergy medicine( I was allergic to rice) I had an asthma attack every day during forced exercise in front of the calm looking swimming pool. I remember MR. Baily say “look children, the nice cool water. You will never get to touch it” We did one to three hour workouts depending on the mood of the staff and if it was to unbearable for the staff to even sitting drinking ice water watching us. I would hear other kids screaming and begging for help from the observation placement, when they would return they would be silent and sometimes have many bruises on their body and face. We were not allowed access to a phone, my grandma was dying and I got one phone call of about 3 minutes, and they hung it up once I told her that it was bad there.
The school was shut down and raided by the Costa Rican’s shortly thereafter and I was told I could leave. So I first left on my own through the jungle. I was caught by Mr. Locksley and Conrad (Jamaican staff/enforcers) they caught up to me in a mango grove. I picked up a tree branch then dropped it. Conrad and Locksley were on me and slapping me in my face… They got a call on their warlike talkie and I was put on the back of a motorcycle and driven to the school again. This time I got right off at the gate and ran to the Costa Rican police and he looked just as shocked at the situation. There were kids running loose, staff chasing kids, upper levels chasing lower levels with sticks. I saw a Costa Rican woman and asked her to save me. I walked out the front gate past the armed guard with for other kids. We all jumped in the back of the P>A>N>N>I> truck which was driven by the woman. Me and C.J. jumped out at the first town and flagged a taxi, the Taxi driver knew we had no money and only drove us to a little bar. We asked them for Water. We got real ice water!
The police and the woman pulled up and we got back in the truck. I remember throwing my Dundee Ranch shirt out on the dirt road... A Farwell to that chapter of my life. Me and the others were sent to a police substation were we all tried to call home. I do not believe any of us got through. It was nighttime now and we were loaded into a range rover that was set up for search and rescue. The one girl with us was intimately involved with one of the other boys now so they had a nice drive it would seem. We were taken to a children’s shelter, given a happy meal each and me and CJ went to the park right up the block to find a payphone, I remember a costariccan man trying to talk Spanish to us that had followed us from the shelter. At the park Cj met a drug dealer and bought a joint for a handful of skittles the police had given him. We stood there smoked it right in front of the PANNI worker. I was calmed down then and wanted to get more happymeals.
Me and CJ were transferred to a Bars on everthing child orphanage in San Pedro. To me I thought it was a prison and a little boy from Jamaica that was there who was the only English speaker told me about how he was there for two years and had not seen his parents the whole time. I asked if he wanted to come, He said he was afraid. He was a big help and held my belt while I twisted it around the bars to the laundry room, I used a wooden leg I tore off the bunk beds as a leverage device. I had to strip nude to slip through. I then found myself locked in another room with no windows to get through, there was a metal roof however and I piled washing machines on washing machines and kicked with everything I had. It was noisier than a storm! I got through and jumped from the edge of the roof over a razor wire fence which was a 12 – 14 foot drop. I was out to find the United States embassy, and was praying to be reunited with my family. I was not reported missing by wwasp or the costariccans for ten days… I met my mom at the airport along with some journalist I had contacted through a Good Samaritan Named Isaac Wabe that was my street guide for the week.
This is a very simple condensed history of my time at Dundee Ranch.