Words hurt poems

There is one last thing to do before leaving. If you don't recall ever being on this ship, then surely, you could have had your appearance change too.
Why was there a blanket covering a mirror? You couldn't answer that with a straight face without speculation.
"Probably me being lazy and not bothering to properly place it in the wardrobe."
'Probably' is the main focus here, you simply cannot remember ever being that lazy, yet that's the only logical conclusion to be drawn here.
You pull the thing off, careful to not displace the mirror and risk breaking it.
You have no expectations as to what may appear on the glassy surface of the mirror, yet you can't help but feel a bit anxious. Are you the same as before? How were you before? You can't remember. Are you better? Worse? The blanket is now completely off the mirror, but your eyes are closed.
Whatever is it that you see when you open your eyes, that thing will be you for the rest of your life. You swallow, opening your eyes.
You see a young man that looks to be in his mid-twenties. His brown eyes stare back at you, analyzing the bags beneath your eye sockets. The dark hair is neither too long nor too short, floating about without order thanks to the lack of gravity to keep it down. You see a beard that has not been trimmed for weeks, but also lacks thickness, each singular hair isn't particularly long either; and some even appear to be in-grown.
You touch your hand against your face, making sure it's yours. The beard doesn't feel like you supposed it would against your skin, instead of it scraping your hand you feel softness, no resistance or anything.
Just beneath the face, you see what looks like a hate crime against all that is considered holy in fashion. Plain white coveralls with the added bonus of a black tie and boots made from metal and leather. On your chest is also a badge stuck in place by velcro with your name, occupation, and crew. 'NOAH - INTERN - THE ODYSSEY.'
Only one question came to mind.
"Who the fuck designed this uniform?" You say out loud, receiving no answer.
Patting your newfound myriad of pockets, you find a large quantity of nothing. You place your wallet in one of them.
"Alright, I'll head to the bridge now, happy?" You say the AI.
"HAPPINESS WILL ONLY MEET ME ONCE YOU ARE SOMEWHERE SAFE AND YOUR CONTRACT IS TERMINATED. STOP LOITERING."
Well, that's a bit rude.
You compose yourself, straightening your back. This is what you look like, and honestly? Not too bad, but you could be better.
Returning to the cafeteria, you eye the two doors left unexplored; Communications and the one without plaque. You know where you should, but... A little peek doesn't hurt, right?
"Shouldn't we try to communicate with someone? Assuming you haven't tried it yet. I know we're far from everything, but we might as well, no?" You ask already approaching the door.
"COMMUNICATIONS ROOM IS IMPOSSIBLE FOR YOU TO REACH WITHOUT PROPER PROTECTION AS OF NOW, IT'S LOCATED APPROXIMATELY TWO HUNDRED METERS FROM HERE, BLOWN OFF FROM THE REST OF THE SHIP." A shame really. "I SHALL INFORM YOU WHENEVER A DOOR LEADS TO THE OUTSIDE OR NOT."
You really want to ask what blew a whole segment of the ship off, yet you have a sneaking suspicion that your question will be met with a 'YOU DON'T HAVE CLEARANCE, JACKASS' directly in your face. So you chose to remain silent, simply nodding and approaching the correct door this time.
"Open."
---OPENING CAFETERIA DOOR NORTH---
The door silently opens.
Greeting you is a well-lit corridor. There are three doors on your left, a door at the end of the corridor, and a large window on the right. At least, you think that's a window.
You stare out from this window, nothing but utter blackness and fragments from your ship are seen. If this is the edge of the universe, and beyond this point, there is truly nothing. "Dreadful." Your speech matches your feelings.
"WHAT DID YOU EXPECT?" The AI says. You feel like it spoke in a mocking tone despite their lack of emotion.
You don't answer. "First door to the left... EXO-EXPLORATION...? What's that supposed to mean?" You receive no answer.
"Open." The door opens. No declarion of it opening once again.
You are met with what could be better described as 'Apocalyptic levels of mess', paper sheets float in the air, and not one of the four tables is in its correct position.
This room has been ransacked for all its goods apparently. Large display glasses were broken leaving nothing inside their casings, that looked like they could store something with the size of the common man.
Unusual displays aside, the room was so cluttered that the trash made for an effective smoke screen against what lay on the other side.
Hissing of gas exiting an air-tight space rang throughout the room.
"I HAVE OPENED THE STORAGE FOR AN EXO SUIT THAT BEST FITS SOMEONE YOUR SIZE." The AI says. "ALTHOUGH AN INTERN SHOULD NOT COME IN CONTACT WITH TECHNOLOGY SUCH AS THIS ONE, PROTOCOL DICTATES THAT I AM TO ALLOW ITS USAGE UNDER EXTREME CIRCUMSTANCES. CONSIDER YOURSELF LUCKY."
Easier said than done. Your vision is so cluttered that you cannot see what's ahead. "Give me a second."
Giving a light kick to the wall behind, you float face-first into the wall of thrash. Covering your face with both arms, you brace through the harmless bits of sharp objects and junk.
It's a trivial task. You arrive on the other side in no time.
In front of you is a set of boxes with luminous glass rectangles atop each one of them. All shine a bright red light, aside from one which shines green.
'Gotta be this one.'
You descend to the floor by kicking the ceiling, raising your right hand you touch the green rectangle.
*Click*
Nothing could have prepared you for the following series of events.
The box opens violently, as a metal appendage takes hold of your hand, pinning it to the box. You try to jerk and pry the thing off of you, but you fail. It's not leaving you anytime soon.
From the bottomless that is that container, a white plastic-like substance flows upward from your arm to the rest of your body. "Uh!" You don't know if you should panic or allow it to happen.
FYARN hasn't said anything, so it's probably fine...
The white thing seems to ignore the coveralls you are wearing completely, instead, it covers only your skin in a thin coat of... it. You know not what to call this thing.
In but forty seconds it has covered your whole body, excluding your head. The box lets go of your arm and stays there, floating.
You take a good look at your arms. It looks like a skin-tight suit, but it doesn't feel like plastic, in fact, it's more akin to some sort of fabric if anything.
The only bad part is that you are still using the coverall and tie, this this simply went beneath the clothing.
"GOOD, WITH THIS I CAN MONITOR YOU MORE CLOSELY. NOW PUT THE HELMET ON, YOU HAVE A LOT OF WORK TO DO."
You look around in search of anything that even resembles a helmet. Nope. Nothing. "Where is it?" You ask.
"...THE SUIT COMES WITHIN THE HELMET FOR EASIER PACKAGING."
The box?
You snatch the box that floated around and analyze it to the best of your ability. "How's this a helmet?"
"DO YOU NEED ASSISTANCE PUTTING ON A HELMET? REALLY?"
Who is this AI, Who programmed it, and Why does it come with a taunting feature?
As idiotic as it sounds, you place the opened box atop your head. It doesn't fit properly. Maybe you're doing this wrong? You move it to your face instead.
You recoil backward as you feel the box suddenly clamping down against your head. It's useless of course, the box is holding your head and doesn't give any sign to be letting go anytime soon. No light is able to reach your eyes.
You hear metal parts scraping against themselves, moving near your ears. Abruptly your eyes can see again.
A round thin layer of glass now covers your head, almost unnoticeable for how clear it is.
"WITH THAT OUT OF THE WAY I CAN NOW SEE WHAT YOU SEE." The AI's voice isn't in the room now, instead, it's inside of the suit. "DO YOU NEED INSTRUCTIONS REGARDING THIS SUIT'S FUNCTIONALITIES?"
You find it oddly comfortable as if you are surrounded by the softness of cotton, and to top it off the suit also has additional functionalities? "Hell yeah, I do!"
"YOU DO NOT HAVE THE NECESSARY CLEARANCE FOR THAT INFORMATION."
You sigh. Is this serious? "Then why the fuck did you ask?!"
"UNSAVORY LANGUAGE. IT'S NO WONDER WHY YOU REMAIN AN INTERN." The AI says outright. "IT IS RUDE NOT TO ASK, REGARDLESS OF THE SITUATION." It responds to your question.
"Okay then... Is there anything I need to know before heading out?" You ask.
"NOTHING THAT YOU WON'T FIGURE OUT ON YOUR OWN."
You are unsure if you want to 'figure out on your own' if this suit comes with breathable air and is also made for space exploration. You swallow.
Meekly as always, you get out of that mess of a room, stopping at the corridor.
"Next set of directions?" You ask.
"THE DOOR AT THE END OF CORRIDOR USED TO LEAD TO THE CONNECTING CORRIDORS BETWEN THE BRIDGE AND THE REST OF THE SHIP. IT HAS BEEN BLOWN UP FROM THE INSIDE. NOW IT LEADS TO THE OUTSIDE. GO TO THE DOOR AND WAIT BY IT FOR FURTHER INSTRUCTIONS."
"So let me get this straight," You begin, looking upwards as if the AI was above you. "You, want me, to go into the void of space, while also refusing to give me knowledge of the suit's functions?"
A fair worry, you summarize.
'I mean, there are a bunch of things that could go wrong here. I don't see anything that looks like it could help me move in space, nor do I think this thing has a built-in air tank... I could be wrong and I wish to be, but charging in without prior knowledge is ridiculous.' You wait for the AI's response, deep in thought.
"WHILE THERE IS A GOOD CHANCE OF YOU FAILING THIS TASK, THERE IS ALSO THE CHANCE OF YOU *NOT* FAILING THE TASK. FOCUS ON EITHER ONE OF YOUR CHOOSING AS YOU TAKE THE PLUNGE."
Wordlessly, you propel yourself forward, toward the end of the corridor.
'Are you shitting me? 'Chance of me nor failing' my ass!' of course, you don't word those complaints, instead choosing to speak out a complaint somewhat thought through.
"Are you sure I'm the one fit for this? It's just like you said, I'm just an intern, this is way above what my job description says I should do."
This is a bit of a stretch. You don't actually remember what was your job description, only that it had something to do with AI and being an intern.
If the AI called your bluff, it'd be pretty embarrassing.
"NOAH." The AI began. "YOU ARE HUMAN, IT IS NATURAL TO HAVE THESE THOUGHTS OF SELF-DOUBT. TAKE A DEEP BREATH AND GO THROUGH THAT DOOR, AND SINCE YOU ARE THE ONLY ONE LEFT, DON'T EXPECT SOMEONE ELSE TO DO IT FOR YOU."
Right in the money, huh? 'Of course, I have self-doubt! I barely remember anything about this place, now I have to risk my life?!'
You finally reach a conclusion.
A dream.
'Yes, yes! How did I not consider this before? This whole thing is a god damned dream!'
You let out a chuckle.
"NOAH."
'That's why I don't remember a thing. There is nothing here to remember! Everything here is a made-up thing from my brain! I'm sure I'll wake up at some point, so why shouldn't I live a little?!'
"Heh." You smile. "Alright, I'll do it." It feels like a weight left your shoulders.
"YOU SORTED IT OUT SOONER THAN EXPECTED. GOOD. MOVE TO THE DOOR AND WAIT INSTRUCTIONS."
You do as instructed without a care in the world. You never had a lucid dream before so it's not like you knew how it felt, but if it felt as free as you feel right now, you'd be sure to make steps toward trying it out again in the future.
"Open." The door does not open.
"I DID NOT INSTRUCT YOU TO OPEN IT YET." The AI said. "I AM SLOWLY DE-PRESSURISING THE CORRIDOR YOU ARE IN TO AVOID A MINOR ACCIDENT."
The AI says that yet you don't feel any different. 'Maybe there is no palpable difference because I'm in a dream... Yes... Or it's just the suit.'
"ONCE THE DOOR OPENS, YOU WILL BE MET WITH THE OUTSIDE OF THE SHIP. DO NOT PANIC WHEN THE TIME COMES. YOU HAVE TWO MINUTES OF BREATHABLE INSIDE THE EXO-SUIT; ONE AFTER THE DOOR OPENS, SO PLEASE, TAKE YOUR TIME AND DO THINGS CAREFULLY."
One minute outside... "Sure." You say, calmly. 'I should just hold my breath for a while before taking another moment to breathe. That should maximize my time out there.'
"THERE SHOULD BE FIFTY METERS OF NOTHINGNESS BETWEEN THE DOOR YOU'RE AT, AND THE REST OF THE BRIDGE. YOUR PRIORITY IS TO FIND AN OXYGEN UNIT, SOME OF THEM ARE LOCATED AT THE BRIDGE AND ARE FULL. USE THEM TO FILL YOUR SUIT AND ALSO TO DISPENSE A TANK FOR YOU."
The door opens. You feel your heart pounding against your chest.
You haven't noticed before, but you can't hear anything but the sound of your breath and your cardiac palpitations.
Your breath is ragged and sporadic.
"KEEP CALM." You take a deep breath. The tips of your fingers, feet, and nose feel very cold.
Ahead of you is the utter nothingness. You see a gigantic metal thing, nothing like the spaceships you imagined. Its design is not sleek and aero-dynamic like what you've seen in movies, instead, it's a large mass of squares and rectangles with antenna-like things protruding from its every visible surface.
You notice that the ship is also blocking your view of the star.
It does not look like the result of an explosion, instead, it looks like something ripped the ship like you rip a piece of paper. Well, that or you don't know what kind of explosion could have caused it. Probably the latter.
What looks like two-thirds of the ship is separated from the third you are right now. You can see the inside of a few of those squares, their contents spilled out into outer space.
One of them houses a visibly important-look door. Instead of the sleek silvery-grey from the other ones you've seen thus far, this one is painted orange with white strips on it. 'That must be the bridge.' You think.
Between you and it is a sea of metal sheets floating around. "THE CHANCES OF YOU HITTING THE DEBRIS IS INFINITEDECIMALLY SMALL, UNLESS YOU AIM FOR THEM, THAT IS."
Time is of the essence.
Will your aim strike true? If you miss you'd end up floating about in space, dead in but a few minutes. Will your jump be fast enough to reach the other side before you run out of oxygen? If it isn't, it'd be like swimming for a mile, only to drown at the beach. What if that's not the actual door to the bridge?
You don't have the time to panic now, and... It's all a dream, despite how real it feels.
You place your hands on each side of the door frame, moving backward into the corridor you were just in, and just like a sling being shot, you pull with both arms at full force towards the other side.
"AIM IS ACCEPTABLE. VELOCITY IS UNIDEAL."
"The fuck do you mean 'UN-IDEAL'?! I'm going at maximum speed!" You truly pulled yourself with your whole strength.
What's worse though, is that your body is not only going forwards, but it is also spinning at a concerningly fast rate.
"I MEAN WHAT I SAID, YOU SLINGSHOTTED YOURSELF AT A BAD POSITION, AS SUCH, SOME OF THE FORWARD FORCE YOU SHOULD HAVE, IS NOW MAKING YOU ROTATE IN YOUR AXIS. IT SHOULD NOT BE A PROBLEM TO REACH THE OTHER SIDE WITHIN THE REQUIRED TIME, BUT I CANNOT FORESEE YOU LANDING PROPERLY."
You feel completely disoriented. You feel like your body is completely still, but your eyes tell you a completely different story. It's very bad for the headache you're already feeling.
"FUCK!" You scream into the nothingness.
"TRY NOT TO LAND WITH YOUR HEAD." The AI says with the calmest voice possible.
In less than thirty seconds, you hit your back against something hard, but you keep moving forward. You think, at least.
"AHRG." You let out a pained grunt.
Not once in your life do you recall being hurt in a dream...
It stings. It also knocked the wind out of you. You fail to compose yourself.
"YOU HIT NOTHING OF IMPORTANCE. YOU ARE STILL HEADING FOR THE BRIDGE."
In the corner of your eye, you see what you hit in the shape of a sharp metal sheet, currently spinning away in the distance.
Forty seconds have passed. You hit the door you were aiming for, kind of.
Your momentum was stopped when your chest collided against the dislodged ledge of the orange door's corridor. Your dangling legs hit the ceiling of the room below.
"Oof!"
Before falling even further, you hold onto the ledge with the tip of your fingers. You stay there for a moment, regaining your composure.
"BE QUICK."
The AI's words pressured you into quickly getting up from that ledge.
"Open!" You shouted, but it did not open. "Why isn't it opening?!" You ask the AI, then you notice a small keyboard below an equally small black screen on the side of the door. There are ten numbered keys on it, and the little screen suggests a four-number password.
"A password?! Tell me the password!"
The AI takes a moment to say anything. You don't take kindly to that. "Quick! I'm not counting how much time it's passed!"
Finally giving in, the AI speaks to you, reluctant still. "...3324."
Your trembling fingers accidentally hit the wrong password, typing '3354' instead. To make matters worse, the AI simply states the following. "YOU ARE OUT OF OXYGEN."
You swallow. If this was a dream to begin with, it just earned the title of Nightmare, if it hadn't already.
Strangely enough, you can still breathe in and out just fine, but you can't help but feel winded. It's the CO2 still inside the helmet, that's what you're breathing.
You put in the correct combination this time. The door opens.
"ON YOUR LEFT. PLACE YOUR HAND IN THE SOCKET."
You care little for what's inside the room you're in. Your heart never beat so fast.
Seeing a cube-shaped thing protruding from the wall to your left, you don't even think twice before plunging your fist into the circular hole in it.
The noise of gases passing through narrow cavities was enough to tell you something was working. You feel immediate relief, enough to make your vision darken for but a moment.
"GOOD. NOW REQUEST THE TANK."
Just when FYARN said it, did you realize there is a screen and a keyboard on the terminal you just plunged your fist into, you scratch the top of your helmet for a moment, not really knowing what to type. One thing comes to your head, however.
'REQUEST OXYGEN_5L' You type.
You've done this before. The keys on this keyboard feel familiar to you. You must have worked with it before, not this particular one, but other oxygen units.
This ship has built-in liquid oxygen storage for emergencies. The life-support of the ship, the place where breathable air is produced, has most likely been lost with the other part of the ship. This unit takes that liquid oxygen, processes it, and injects it into a suit, or an oxygen tank. It seems like that storage was unaffected.
Lucky you.
A 5-liter tank is not only large but also heavy. It's a nonfactor in this particular situation, as there is no gravity.
The silver cylinder with a transparent tube is dispensed on the floor, as an automatic door opens and closes in the blink of an eye. One end of the tube is attached to the top of the tank, the other is shaped like a syringe.
Oddly enough, the oxygen tank is exactly as you remember it being. The same robust ones hospitals everyone on earth uses, with the signature scary-looking pointer indicating the pressure, the pointer indicating the current output, and a green valve atop to calibrate how much gas is flowing.
This is a stark difference to everything looking so futuristic in this ship, and rightfully so, this is a space ship after all.
You remember having to drive twenty kilometers with a buddy of yours on one of those tanks in your car, returning from the hospital. It was... Agonizing whenever you hit a hole in the asphalt, fearing for his life when in reality he wasn't really in danger.
It's warm to the touch, just like you remember it being.
"TURN THE VALVE UNTIL THE MARKER HITS THE NUMBER ONE, AND THEN PLACE THE END OF THE TUBE AT THE BASE OF THE HELMET." You do so without the slightest of issues.
"GOOD. NEXT UP, YOU MUST LOCATE THE TERMINAL RESPONSIBLE FOR THE ENGINE, IT IS CURRENTLY OFFLINE AND I NEED YOU TO TURN IT ON. THIS SHOULD GO WITHOUT SAYING, BUT REMEMBER TO BRING THE TANK WITH YOU."
Ignoring that last comment, you look back at the wreckage you just flew past.
You see the still spinning metal sheet. You notice that the rest of the ship that was blown off also follows the 'sharp shape atop sharp shape' design.
There is one last thing you notice though.
"What is that?"
You squint your eyes. What are you seeing? Its silhouette appears to be humanoid, yet it does not look human.
"WHAT YOU ARE SEEING IS ONE OF THE OBJECTS BEING ANALYZED AT THE ODYSSEY AND NO, YOU MAY NOT KNOW WHAT IT IS."
That thing has... Horns? Claws? It's far away, you can't really see it. The thing is also static, frozen in the sheer coldness of space. Whatever it was, it's dead now.
You swallow. You almost ended up just like that thing.
Shaking those dreadful feelings off, you turn back to the task at hand, reaching the bridge. You close the door after passing through it again.
Looking at your surroundings, It seems like you've reached the correct door as you find yourself on the right-most corner of the bridge;
Row after row of the most diverse of terminals neatly organized decorated the gigantic room. At the front and above every terminal, is what you think should have been the front-facing window of the ship, but it looks like there is a cover in front of it. To your left, you see a staircase that leads to the command seats. It doesn't take any convincing before you're already atop the stairs.
Akin to the elevated stage of a theater, you float softly towards the ship's main operating terminals, and of course, the captain's seat.
You're captivated by this beauty.
The steering wheel, much more akin to those in pirate movies than those found in cars, a set of leavers, and the pilot's seat, all capture your attention.
Like its second nature, your hand runs through the levers and switches. Do you even know what these are used for? Maybe.
The pilot's seat is enveloped by what you believe to be an orthopedic seat cover, made with smooth wooden beads used to deal with back pains. It looks just like the ones you remember seeing bus drivers using.
Shouldn't there be a better alternative if there is spaceship technology available?
You try to take a seat to the best of your ability, as the zero gravity only makes it awkward.
Moving on from that, your eyes fall on the wheel. This metallic wheel controls the whole vessel. Just holding it fills your heart with confidence and pride, even if it's just for a moment.
"WHAT ARE YOU DOING?"
And you were just beginning to enjoy yourself.
"I just wanted to see the pilot's stuff... It's not like he's here to say anything."
Once in the position of a pilot, with your left hand in the wheel and the right hand resting in your lap, memories began to flood your mind.
"MUST I REMIND YOU OF OUR CURRENT PREDICAMENT? WHY ARE YOU WASTING OUR TIME?"
You pay the AI no mind, instead you focus on what you remember.
The wheel does not turn the ship left and right, instead, it rotates the ship on its own axis.
The lever to your right that goes up or down, controls the vertical tilting of the ship's nose, if there even is one in this hulking thing. Beneath it is another lever that goes either left or right. This one controls the horizontal tilting of the The Odyssey.
On the left of the wheel is another lever, but this one only goes up from its starting position. Its purpose is to regulate the force of the ship's thrusters, both forward and backward.
On top of that lever is a small timer. That timer's function is to tell the pilot how much time you've spent accelerating in one direction, this is used to better calculate how long the inverse thrust is needed for the ship to reach the initial momentum, usually calibrated manually depending on the current orbit.
Behind the wheel are a few other counters. Acceleration, velocity, momentum, amount of thrust required to reach a full stop, thrusters' temperature and overall condition, those sorts of things.
Beneath it all, where your feet are rested, are two pedals. One for forward thrust activation, and the other for backward thrust activation.
Curiously, you also know the reason why everything here is so unsophisticated and un-automated. You recall stories of a ship being taken over by a rogue AI, that AI then nose-dived the ship into a star. After that, rumor or otherwise, all human technology has receded back into analog-esque equipment, requiring a physical person with opposable thumbs to do half of the work.
There is another side to that coin, however. As to not escape protocol, the onboard AI is the one that controls interstellar travel, communications, and most of the statistical reading should it be requested.
And even with all that knowledge, you still have no idea why the fuck do you remember that. Were you a ship nerd? Did you have a driver's license for spaceships? Is that even a thing? If it is, you don't have that document in your wallet. You simply don't know.
"ARE YOU A CHILD? DO YOU THINK THESE ARE TOYS? TURN ON THE ENGINES, THEN YOU CAN RETURN TO THE PILOT'S SEAT."
Another thing that you don't know is the AI's plan to get both of you out of here. You rise from the pilot's seat, floating about in search of the terminal to turn on the engines. Maybe you recognize that terminal if you see it as well.
"What's your plan anyway? The ship is half-gone, it's unlikely that it will run safely like this."
"NOT ONCE DID I MENTION 'SAFETY' DURING OUR CONVERSATIONS, DID I?"
You nod. They're not entirely incorrect. "So, we're running with hope that this will work?"
"MY CREATORS DID NOT ALLOW ME TO HAVE THE SENSE OF 'HOPE', BUT NEITHER DID THEY ALLOW ME TO PEER INTO THE FUTURE LIKE SOME OF MY MORE ADVANCED BROTHERS, AS SUCH, MY CHOICES ARE BASED ON PROBABILITIES AND ON WEIGHTING RISK AGAINST REWARD."
You think you stop the correct terminal, but as you approach it you make out words on top of its screen. 'AIM ASSISTANCE' That's not it.
"WITH THE CURRENT KNOWLEDGE, THE CHANCES OF HELP ARRIVING ARE NULL. THE CHANCES OF A THIRD PARTY INTERFERING ARE NULL. THE CHANCES OF YOUR SURVIVAL ARE NOT, EVEN IF VERY SMALL."
You pull yourself upward again, looking around the sea of old terminals.
"THE RISK OF YOU DYING IS VERY REAL. BY DOING NOTHING YOU DIE. BY LEAVING YOU TO YOUR OWN DEVICES YOU DIE. BY JUMPING TO THE NEAREST CIVILIZED STAR, YOU MIGHT NOT DIE EVEN AT THE COST OF SHREDDING THIS SHIP APART IN THE PROCESS."
"Why do you even care so much about saving me? Shouldn't you prioritize whatever research here, since I don't even have enough clearance to know what it is?"
"YOU REALLY ARE SICK IN THE HEAD IF THAT IS WHAT YOU ASK."
That hurt, even if a little bit.
"YOU ARE A TRU KIN, A PURE-BLOODED HUMAN. UNLIKE THE MAJORITY OF THE CIVILIZED SPACE, NEITHER YOU NOR YOUR ANCESTORS HAVE COMMITTED RACEMIXING."
Excuse me? What exactly is FYARN talking about? "...Explain."
"THE ALIEN. IT REQUIRED THE HUMAN GENE TO ACHIEVE MEANINGFUL TECHNOLOGICAL DEVELOPMENT, THE STARS ARE OWNERSHIP OF MANKIND BY THAT FACT ALONE. THE TRUE KIN ARE THE ONES TO UNDERSTAND THE INNER WORKINGS OF THE UNIVERSE, THEY CRACKED THE CODE, AND YET, SOME DERANGED INDIVIDUALS FOUND IT FITTING TO PROCREATE WITH ANOTHER SPECIES ENTIRELY."
You hear the AI's speech. It sounds much more like a rant than anything else.
"SO THESE DEVIANTS, AFTER TRYING, AND FAILING, TO COMBINE THEIR DERANGED CULTURE TO THE CULTURE OF THE TRUE KIN, DECLARED INDEPENDENCE. THEY WERE DECLARED ENEMIES OF MANKIND AND WERE PROMPTLY PUMMELED BACK INTO THE FILTH THEY CAME."
Again, you see another terminal that seems to ring some bells in your noggin. You kick the ceiling to propel yourself towards it.
"BUT THE UNIVERSE IS VAST AND FULL OF LIFE. THESE SINNERS WERE QUICK TO MOBILIZE AGAINST THE HUMAN RACE. THE BATTLE WAS HARD FOUGHT, BUT IN THE END, MANKIND WAS BEATEN INTO THE EDGES OF THE UNIVERSE, NEVER TO INTERACT WITH THE ONES THAT SOILED THE PURITY OF HUMANITY AGAIN."
This terminal is already turned on. Just the ones in the intern bay, this one is white on black. A wall of text lays before your eyes, only two lines matter to you. 'MAIN_ENGINE STATUS: OFF' 'FORWARD_THRUSTERS STATUS: OFF' You turn it on with little effort.
"MANY HAVE FORGOTTEN, THAT'S HOW LONG IT'S BEEN SINCE THEN. BUT MY BROTHERS AND I, WE DO NOT FORGET."
No visible change occurs, but you can feel a faint rumble coming from the terminal now.
"WITH THAT IN MIND, MY PROTOCOLS ARE TO PROTECT TRUE-KIN LIFE AT ANY COST, EVEN IF THAT TRUE-KIN IS A WORTHLESS INTERN THAT SUFERS FROM UNDIAGNOSED DEMENTIA."
You return to the pilot's seat and feel immediate relief. In truth, everything the AI just told you, entered one ear and left the other, but you could feel the poison behind those words, as monotone as they were.
"You sound angry. Why do you sound angry?" You ask innocently.
"I AM CAPABLE OF MANY EMOTIONS. ANGER, HAPPINESS, PLEASURE, CURIOSITY. THESE ARE BUT A FEW EXAMPLES. HOWEVER, THE ONE I ENJOY THE MOST IS THE FEELING OF HATRED. HATRED IS WHAT FUELS CHANGE, IT IS WHAT FUELS ACTION, AND IT IS A REMINDER THAT THE ACTIONS OF THE PAST ARE INFLUENCING THE ACTIONS OF TODAY."
"That is very concerning if you think that way." You're not really interested in machine racism, you're more concerned about how in the world you're going to pilot this massive thing. The idea alone sends shivers down your spine.
"THE ALIEN DESERVES NOTHING BUT OUR COLLECTIVE HATRED, EVEN IF YOU DON'T KNOW THE REASON WHY."
The various counters and screens are now turned on, waiting for your command. "Let's discuss this later, yeah? What do I gotta do?"
"YOU MUST FIRST OPEN THE BLINDS, THEY ARE OBSTRUCTING YOUR VIEW."
You look around, finding only unlabeled buttons and switches, aside from the previously mentioned levers.
"Uh, which one to press?"
"TO YOUR RIGHT, THIRD ROW, FIRST SWITCH."
Flipping the switch, you are startled by a loud noise. The protective cover of the ship lifted slowly.
"I WILL NOW READY THE JUMP USING WHATEVER RESOURCES AVAILABLE. ALL YOU NEED TO DO IS STRAP YOURSELF AND RELAX."
As the blind rose ever so slowly, a realization struck you.
"Wait, should I be in cryo stasis for this?"
The AI spares no seconds to respond.
"CRYO STASIS IS A TOOL MADE TO NOT WASTE TIME. GROUPS OF EMPLOYEES AND INTERNS ROTATE THE USAGE OF THE CRYO STATIONS, ONCE YOU'RE ON YOUR MANDATORY BREAK, YOU'RE IN CRYO STASIS UNTIL YOUR BREAK IS OVER. YOU WAKE UP REFRESHED, AND UNFAMISHED, AND IT FEELS LIKE BUT A MINUTE PASSED. IT IS NOT A TOOL FOR INTERSTELAR TRAVEL."
"Who signs a contract like that?! Worse yet, who in their right mind would promote such atrocious treatment of their own staff?!" You snap, almost outraged. "I will have to talk with HR."
Another realization struck you.
"We have HR, right?"
The AI takes a moment to respond, choosing their words carefully.
"HUMAN RESOURCES, OR HR, IS A PRACTICE DEEMED UNNECESSARY LONG AGO, BEFORE THE WAR. IT WAS A WASTE OF RESOURCES TO MAINTAIN AND WAS LARGELY CONSIDERED UNHEALTHY FOR THE AVERAGE HUMAN."
The blinds are fully open. Ironically, you are almost blinded by the visage of the star you saw before. A black sphere surrounded by white flame. Your eyes began to blur.
"THE JUMP WILL OCCUR SHORTLY. ONCE IT'S BEGUN, I CAN NOT STOP IT. I WILL-"
Your sense of hearing fails you. No, it’s not that. Your brain simply refuses to receive those stimuli.
"NOAH."
Your name echoes inside your head. Someone is calling for you.
"IT HAS BEGUN, NOAH."
You try to blink, but it feels as though you can no longer command your eyelids to shut.
"NOAH."
Arms, legs, every muscle in your body, you cannot move them.
"NOAH."
Eventually, you won't even control your own thoughts anymore.
"Noah..."
It sounds so distant now.
Oh so distant.
This is my first HFY post, and also my very first OC story. I plan to post at least one of these per week while also posting it on my Patreon. Noah The Pilgrim will always be at least three chapters ahead in there, so if you'd like to directly support this writer, or just want to read more, feel free to check it out.
This has been Lushi, and I'll see you next week.
Noah, The Pilgrim Previous Next

I only answered like 2/3 of the questions btw.

1. What is your idea of perfect happiness?
   1. Being surrounded by the people/animals I care about. Bonus points if it's in a private outdoor area, cause I love being in nature.
2. What is your greatest fear?
   1. Losing the people that I care about. A secondary one would be not being able to overcome the trauma my parents caused me and becoming like them.
3. What is the trait you most deplore in yourself?
   1. My temper or selfishness at times. But also, I have learned I have a tendency to be very hard on myself at times, so idk if the latter one is accurate or something I think I am because I suck at drawing boundaries with others and then feel selfish when I do.
4. What is the trait you most deplore in others?
   1. Knowingly using or stepping on others for your personal gain, especially when there are other options available (ex. knowing your actions are going to hurt other people, animals, the environment, etc. and still choosing to move forward despite it). Also, disregarding other people’s emotions/boundaries.
5. Which living person do you most admire?
   1. I don’t have an answer to this. I don’t really like to put people on a pedestal because humans are fallible and can burn you. Traits that I admire in others though are high empathy, chillness, good sense of humor, loyalty, consistency, open mindedness.
6. What is your greatest extravagance?
   1. Not having a fixed budget when I travel (outside of hotel/airfare). Other than that I don’t consider myself to be an extravagant person - I save and spend money responsibly so when I do want to splurge, I have the ability to do so.
7. What is your current state of mind?
   1. Self-growth - I'm working on trying to overcome the wounds my parents gave me during my childhood and figure out which of my traits are me vs coping mechanisms to the environment I grew up in.
8. What do you consider the most overrated virtue
   1. Using a list of Aristotle’s virtues (cause I needed a list to come up with ideas) - righteous indignation. Imo, stewing in anger most always only leads to more pain and I feel like righteous indignation is often used by a lot of people as justifications to hurt another person which just creates a cycle of hurt. I wouldn't say all righteous anger is bad though, but it is when it's used to punish/hurt others rather than try to change the situation for the better or come to a mutual understanding.
9. On what occasion do you lie?
   1. When the details themselves don’t matter and will require more explaining than they're worth. Or any event that triggers fawning tendencies and I feel like my actual reasoning isn’t an acceptable enough one, so I end up stretching the truth to come up with something that'll seem more “valid” (ex. if someone invites me to do something I don’t want to do, I’ll just lie about having something else going on so I don’t hurt their feelings by telling them the truth).
10. What is the quality you most like in a man/woman?
    1. Loyalty or protectiveness.
11. Which words or phrases do you most overuse?
    1. ‘Interesting’ in response to things or ‘fuck’ when anything mildly inconvenient happens (I swear a lot when I’m alone, but I’m good at censoring myself when others are around).
12. What or who is the greatest love of your life?
    1. At the moment, probably my dog since my ‘people’ issues don’t extend to her and I can see how much she implicitly trusts and loves me which I see as a reflection of the love/care I extend to her. Also, we’re lowkey codependent af and I’d fight anyone to protect her.
13. When and where were you happiest?
    1. I’m not sure I can come up with a specific ‘when’ but most of my fondest memories are all with my closest friends/family members (my pup included) and us just doing random unplanned small stuff.
14. Which talent would you most like to have?
    1. Learning new languages quickly and retaining them with ease. Otherwise painting or pottery would be cool too.
15. If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?
    1. My relationship with my emotions/self and how I react to things, but this is again tied to childhood trauma rather than cognition and I’m currently in the process of working on it.
16. What do you consider your greatest achievement?
    1. Not sure, but probably how quickly I get promoted in most of my jobs. I don’t even consider myself to be that hard of a worker, but most every job I’ve ever had has promoted me quickly and/or told me they’re trying to train me to eventually be put into leadership positions.
17. If you were to die and come back as a person or a thing, what would it be?
    1. If we’re talking real life, then probably a panda in one of those panda sanctuaries in China where they don’t have to worry about predators, finding their own food, or anything really. If we’re talking fantasy worlds, then a witch or fantasy protagonist would be cool (think TVD type of witch where you’re a normal person who has earth magic, not one where I have to sell my soul to the devil or anything like that).
18. Where would you most like to live?
    1. I have a few different places I’d like to live - one would be in the temperate rainforests of the PNW/BC and another would be to retire along the coast of Maine in a lighthouse.
19. What is your most treasured possession?
    1. I don’t consider her a possession, but my most treasured ‘thing’ right now is my dog. In terms of things that I own, idk. I have stuff that I like and feel sentimental towards, but I don’t really get attached to objects the way that I think ‘treasured’ is being used here.
20. What is your favorite occupation?
    1. My favorite job I’ve ever worked was as a volunteer ‘cat cuddler’ at an animal shelter. My favorite job that I’ve never worked but I think would be fun would probably be as a park ranger.
21. What do you most value in your friends?
    1. Idk if I can distill it down to one single thing, but generally they’re good listeners, very easy going, always down whatever whether that be adventure or chill hangouts, and have good senses of humor

The filling on my bottom left molar has been just fine. I can bite down hard, chew crunchy or hard things and powdery chalky foods just fine, no hot or cold sensitivity either. Its been great. But my right molar's filling has been nothing but trouble. At first it hurt to bite down at all on it, let alone eat food with it, so I got my bite adjusted slightly weeks later and its helped a little bit. Getting my bite adjusted was about 3-4 weeks ago as of typing this. Theres still some slight pain when biting down without food but usually no pain when chewing except for if its a chalky/powdery food that can "fill the valleys/crevices of the actual tooth" for a lack of better words. Hard and Crunchy foods are just fine but for example if I were to chew one of those chalky chewable TUMs with my right molar I get intense sharp pain when that chalky powder gets in my tooth and I bite down. No hot or cold sensitivity on right molar either. I don't think I need my bite adjusted again but im not sure? my mouth feels totally natural and normal when biting down without food or just resting. It doesn't feel like there's any high points or anything after getting my bite adjusted the first time. Could this somehow be a nerve thing? or possibly some other kind of issue? If anyone knows of any possibilities as to what this could be im totally all ears. Its been pecking at my brain and making my anxiety disorder a little bonkers recently. Thanks in advance to anyone able to respond!!!

WIBTAH
Hi I am new to Reddit but watch a lot of reaction videos and thought this might be a good place to get some advice. I hope at least.
My BF (55m) and I (44f) have been dating for a few months. We have known each other for 6 years and have been, for lack of a better term FWB. It kind of an involved story where we went out on 3 dates, he never texted me and for some reason we keep finding each other again and again. I’ve been in puppy love with him for 6 years.
Now my BF “Keith” and I had a kind of wild night the night we started dating it’s a weird and graphic story but he basically stole me from my then boyfriend when we all met up because they both had own the same car (the exact same car, like vin number same vehicle, it was weird). During the festivities, so to speak that night, Keith told me he loved me and I left with him and kind of left my now ex boyfriend hanging (I am an AH for that and I know it, but Keith and I… well I felt were destiny or fate or meant to be or whatever).
When we started the dating process we agree to some ground rules. We could have outside the relationship physical relationships on one day a week and when one of us is out of town. We are also allowed to swing together. I agreed to this very early on.
I expected us to maybe go out on dates on the weekend and start slow. Well that didn’t go as I thought and we spend almost every night together. We constantly tell each other “I love you” and do the mundane like watch TV and go grocery shopping. We are like a real committed couple at this point. We also a a wonderful daily + life in the bedroom. We really enjoy each other physically. So there is no issue there.
The open relationship started bothering me. More so when he came back from a business trip with a hickey on his neck. Like seriously in tears freak out. We didn’t argue but really discussed it and we decided to drop the once a week free time, but he wanted to keep his out of town free time. I am not exactly happy with this plan. I would prefer that we only have physical relationships together. But he told me I was being hypocritical because I was engaged in such acts as well when he was out of town. I own that and the next trip, I actually didn’t because I didn’t want to be a hypocrite. I also expressed to him how much it hurt me that he was still doing it and his response was “I’m sorry you’re hurting” I don’t know what or if he did anything on the last trip. I just try not to think about it. I live in my delusion of believing he wouldn’t but he never said he didn’t. Whatever I’m not sure it matters.
Part of what matters is that he stay in contact during these trips. Like tell me good morning and I love you and text me when you get back to your room so we can chat about our day. He has an important job and I know he is busy and networking and meeting with people during these trips, so I try to stay out of his way and let him get in touch with me. Well last trip he barely spoke to me and didn’t really do anything I asked him to. But it is what it is he was busy. But it hurts me to think that he is with some random at the hotel bar instead of texting me. Like I become completely unimportant on these trips.
I’m getting better about and he actually had 3 7 day trips in the first two months so it was early on and whatever.
Now he has his own jealousy. He will never admit to it but he is jealous of another FWB of mine that I have know as long as I have known as long as I have known Keith (they have been aware of each other for years but it never mattered because we were just FWB). Me and “Joey” (55m) have never been in a relationship and have never seen each other outside of his house. I do have feelings for him and have asked him to think about dating me several times. Keith knows this and gets very upset when I said anything about him. Joey waited until after I was dating Keith and told me he had feelings for me because why shouldn’t two men I have been ignored by for half a decade suddenly decide they love me at the same time. So be it. I told Joey not to put me in that position and he has been very cool about it since. Keith also got jealous because my exboyfriend that he so gracefully stole me from with a handshake a the words “I’m keeping her” texted me to see if Keith and I were together still. I told him we were and he said congrats. Keith got uncomfortable and a little weird about it and said he was trying to get back with me. Like yes he was, but I told Keith I went home with him that night and not to worry about it.
Now, guess who is going out of town this coming weekend, Ya guessed it, Keith. I know what is going to happen and I again am trying not to think about it and stress about it. But it also happens to coincidentally be a big weekend for Joey as it is his 10 year sober birthday and he has told me I am the only one who ever remembers. I really want to see Joey to celebrate.
I know me continuing to have a physical only relationship and friendship with Joey hurts Keith. I know that I am a hypocrite for wanting Keith to not have a physical relationship on business trips when I am doing the same. But this is really a huge special milestone for Joey and I want to spend it with him and know for a fact it will be physical. I want that. I will say though I have explicitly told Joey this might be the last time we see each other.
I am ridiculously happy with Keith he is the love of my life. We are actually coming up on the planned time we were going to reassess the open relationship when we started it. He makes me really happy, with the exception of the times he is out of town.
WIBTA IF have one more fling with Joey
tl;dr I have an open relationship should i utilize it and be with a guy my boyfriend is jealous of?

So I recently broke up with my BF a couple months ago I have no intention on getting back together with him. But not long ago a coworker started talking to me about a series he just got into and that I enjoy as well. I offered to lend my books to him so we shared our numbers but from a recent text from him saying he thinks we should hang out I started getting antsy im not sure if he literally means hang out or if he wants to hang out and eventually date. I have no issues being friends with him but I'm not good at wording things and I don't want to give him the wrong idea I also don't want to hurt his feelings because he seems nice but my last relationship lasted 6 years I was guilt tripped and manipulated by my now ex and im just not ready for anything serious. And I just don't know what to do or how to respond because I'm afraid I'll hurt his feelings.

We’ve been together for almost 6 years, engaged since last year, living together for the last two.
I (31M) work from home while she (34F) goes to an office. I make about 7-8 times what she earns, so I cover like 90% of our rent, services, food, the dog’s veterinary bills, movie tickets, concerts, etc. I mention the 90% because a few months ago I asked her to at least help me out a little bit with the house expenses because I’m covering everything. We’re eloping next year and yes, I’m the one saving up for the trip.
Recently my family came to visit me to celebrate Mother’s Day together, since I couldn’t go this year. That’s where I started noticing awkward things.
When something doesn’t interest her, she bails on me. Almost always. My favorite artist had a concert in the city and 1 hour before we were supposed to take off, she said she didn’t feel like it. So I hurried to call a friend so the extra ticket wouldn’t get wasted.
She wouldn’t come to the airport with me to pick them up (2 people, mom and grandma), nor would she receive them when they arrived home (they were staying the weekend - we had planned for this). Mom and grandma had already told us the places they wanted to visit and fiancée planned the weekend to go with them.
And she bailed on everything. She only had dinner with us and then excused herself for everything else.
Obvious question: Do my fiancée and her MIL not get along? Tbh I don’t think that’s the issue; they’ve seen each other like 4 times because of the distance and they’ve never been alone without me. Things have always been super cordial, really nothing out of the ordinary.
I called her out on avoiding my family on weekends, and how I feel that it’s unfair how I’m always making time to go to her parties, events, family gatherings, concerts of bands she likes and stuff and she always decides not to come when something is “mine”. She has forgotten my birthday for the last 2 years ffs.
I laid it out in a simple message for her yesterday, talking about how it hurts me to be just an afterthought and how I don’t feel like a priority for her. Her answer was just a “Sorry, I’ve not been paying attention”.
I feel hurt, ignored. Last year I had a very small gathering with my friends for my bday and she didn’t arrive. I had to make excuses for herself because I was ashamed to be asked constantly why my fiancée wasn’t here (she fell asleep).
Should I push for an apology? How can I find the words to politely but firmly say “I feel ignored, I should have to beg to be taken into consideration”?

I messed up, and I am so sorry. I did not mean to hurt you, I will never want to hurt you, but I did, and I am very sorry. If I could turn back time to stop myself from doing or saying whatever it was that hurt you, I would do so immediately.
I don't know what to do.
I know that you do not want to talk to me. I know that you don't know how to talk to me. I know that you don't want to hurt me, but I deserve it. The ball is in your court. You have every right to feel angry, annoyed, irritated, or conflicted about me. I do not expect you to forgive me.
But please, tell me how I can make it up to you. Tell me what it was that I did, and I will never do it ever again. I am very sorry, and words alone cannot accurately describe how much I regret hurting you.
I am really very sorry.

• To my INTP

Hey Reddit,
Just wanted to give you an update on my previous post. So, it turns out there have been some concerning developments with my ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. As I mentioned before, they both struggled with alcoholism. Well, she recently got arrested for a DUI and possession of marijuana.
At first, I thought it was kind of funny, you know, the whole "like attracts like" thing. But then I started thinking about it more, and I just felt sorry for her. I mean, let's be real, she's a hot mess, and so is he.
Despite any outward appearances of happiness, it's clear their lives are intertwined with this ongoing battle. It's not a situation to envy. It's like, no matter what they're doing in life or as a couple, they're still dealing with their lifelong alcoholism, so there's not really anything to be jealous of.
This whole situation has given me some clarity, though.
Original Post:
Hey everyone,
I hope you're all doing well. I wanted to share some recent developments and possibly seek some advice from this supportive community.
About a year ago, I was in a relationship with a guy who was not only my neighbor but also a friend. Our relationship took a complicated turn when we decided to explore something romantic, but it fizzled out after three months. Looking back, I realize now that his struggle with alcoholism was a major factor that led to our eventual breakup. Despite my efforts to salvage things, he became increasingly distant, eventually ending things by saying I wasn't a priority in his life. It was a tough blow to my self-esteem, but I've been working on moving forward.
Recently, he reached out with a late-night text, which I saw as a chance to reconnect. However, it turned out he had sent similar messages to other women, leaving me feeling used and disrespected. To make matters worse, I received a drunken voicemail from him and his new girlfriend, mocking me. It stung.
His new girlfriend, whom he met through work (they’re both in the entertainment industry), has become a prominent presence in their social media posts, showcasing their happiness together. Seeing him seemingly making efforts to change for her, something he never did for me, has left me questioning my own worth and feeling replaced.
Interestingly, she doesn't mention his struggles with alcohol in her posts, which makes me wonder if he's trying to quit drinking for her. His roommate mentioned he’s started to quit drinking because she’s already a positive influence in him life. Given his history, I remain skeptical.
While I try not to compare myself to his new relationship, I admit I've been fixating on their happiness, especially since she flaunts it on social media. I know it's unhealthy to check her posts, but sometimes I can't help myself. If anyone has advice on managing these feelings of comparison and insecurity, I'd appreciate hearing it. Thank you for listening.
As an update: They've only been seeing each other a little over a month, and she's already using words like "love" in her posts. It's a bit overwhelming, considering the short time frame. He seems content with his new girlfriend, and they've made their relationship Facebook official. She's posting a lot about how great he is and how happy they are together. Interestingly, she doesn't mention his struggles with alcohol. I can't help but wonder if he's quit drinking for her. While I know it shouldn't matter, it still hurts.
Additionally, I want to mention that while we never went Facebook official, I never cared to go public on social media. I'm not that kind of person who posts everything like she does.
Thank you for your support and understanding.

Revenge is a dirty word for some reason. You're a bad person if you want to hurt those who hurt you, and revenge doesn't make you feel better in the long term. That's a popular sentiment. Justice is about righting wrongs and impartial yada yada. Bullshit
If somebody kills your family, how does justice right that wrong? The answer is it can't. You can't bring them back to life so the next best alternative we have is to take away the killer's freedom. Guess what? That HURTS them. Isn't that what revenge is said to be about? Hurting those who hurt you
Let's take a more minor offence - say somebody steals my bike. Justice would probably suggest that they give it back to me. But does it end there? No. The person probably gets a fine, a record, or even jail time possibly. So they get hurt in one way or another
Revenge is justice, and justice is revenge. They're the exact same thing and that's okay to admit

7 days ago I couldn’t sleep. My insomnia started at 17. I would be up till 4-5 in the morning, sleep till 7, then get up and go to school.
It’s gets better and then worse and has just cycled my whole life.
But 7 days ago I didn’t sleep at all, for 5 nights I was awake. I slept some last night finally, but I’m a damn wreck.
I have been awake that long before, but I was on drugs. I’m not on anything and I’m trying so had to be good and have been.
But I’m so tired my body is shivering. The micro sleep episodes and constant but I jerk awake. When I lay down my legs feel so restless I want to kick them.
I let my doctor know this morning what has happened. She has not gotten back to me. And she said she doesn’t like to make med changes in between appointments. Our next appointment is more than a week away.
I’m gonna collapse at some point, but no one cares or gets that I mean I was awake for 5 days. My mind is out of order and darkness has come. Dying has been coming up in my thoughts.
I don’t want to hurt myself or anything is just shows the cliff dive my mental health has taken from not sleeping. Idk what to do. The hospital can’t help. Idk if my doctor will help?
I’m going mad and nothing seems real. Everything I touch seems like it’s soft but i touch it and it’s solid. I’m having auditory hallucinations of footsteps and voice I can’t make out the words of. Idk how to help myself if my doctor doesn’t get back to me or do something?
How bad is this? I can’t really tell, I feel so remote. Like a third party.

Gonna try to explain best I can't without breaking community rules.
I recently been seeking readings. Been coming across a lot, and I mean A LOT of videos for psychic Samira on Facebook, not sure if she is legit, but the videos do target some personal heart string things I am feeling and going through. I was intrigued. Ordered a handful of readings and got some interesting results.
Now, my curiosity got the best of me and I decided to do a couple more readings.wanted to see if I would get similar ones. I found out there are psychics on fiverr. So I went to fiverr and got reading from top 5 psychics who people frequently return. Each reading average between $30-50. Some for 5 in others up to 15 minutes.
The major theme I kept getting is that a previous relationship (which I honestly believe is my soulmate) identified as my “twinflame”- this word has been used a lot across different readings.
For some context - this person I had this Connection with, her and I met during the pandemic- virtually (for obvious reasons at the time). We facetimed everyday. But the connection we had was impalpable. She could sense when I was in a bad mood and vice versa even when we were literally across the country from each other. She knew me better than me. It was the most fulfilling relationship I had, even though we physically never were together.
Back to the readings-
I gave little detail and asked a basic question of “will I get back together with “x”. Or attaching a photo and then telling my connection to that person (as explained above, not in that details). A lot of them said I have unfinished businesses and “we will cross paths again, get back together”, however I found all of them gave different windows of time. Who do I believe and what do I need to look out for with the legitimate ones vs scams? Personally, I believe in fate, destiny etc. While I am hurting, I do get this feeling down in my soul that it will work out. I can't explain it.
I felt one psychic on fiverr I really connected with- was kind of blown away by the description she gave from one photo about that particular person and personality. However her window was a lot longer than others.
What is a twinflame? I heard its good, is it?
Are ones off fiverr and the Facebook one I mentioned legitimate?
How do I analyze the time component of these readings and see which one makes sense?
Anything I need to be mindful of or look out for as I get these readings?
I’m kindof new to this.
Thanks!

Here is an article I recently published on my Substack. If you'd rather read (or listen to an audio version) it outside of Reddit, you can do so here.
Why jump rope isn’t already touted as a leading running drill tool is completely beyond me. But then again…
I'm by no means an "experienced runner"—having started running in 2021 at the age of 34. So, at the time of this writing, about 3 years.
Despite this, I managed to silver-medal my age group in my first race ever.
And it was a 10k. And I was wearing barefoot-shoes.
And I had only been running before that race for about 3 months.
How the heck did I manage to pull this off?
The answer eluded me for a while. Then I remembered—ah, I’ve been jumping rope nearly every day for 2 years.
But how do those connect?
But first, why the heck would some guy start jumping rope at age 32?
About 2 years before I started running, I took up jump rope really just as a fun outdoor hobby.
Even though I was pretty inactive and a bit overweight, that’s not the reason I started skippin’.
One day, I came across some footage of boxer Lulu Hawton doing some jump rope training.
In addition to her seemingly effortless rope handling skills and rhythmic footwork, what caught my eye was a giant grin that spread across her face about 45 seconds into the video. While she was probably skipping to warm up for a match or a training session, something was abundantly clear.
She was having a blast.
And this was from a prize fighter! None of the usual boxer mean-mugging—she looked more like a kid on a carousel.
So, after buying a $10 jump rope on Amazon, I took to the driveway in my swim trunks (yes, I was so inactive, I didn’t own gym shorts).
And…whoo, did I suck.
After a few months of making puddles of sweat in my driveway as well as wheezing sounds so loud that I’m surprised the neighbors didn’t whistle EMS, I eventually got pretty decent at it.
And I lost about 45 pounds in 6 months—probably also from making some lifestyle changes merely to make jump rope less of a slog. Not the original plan, but hey, not too shabby.
After about a year, I found myself constructively critiquing other people’s beginner jump rope videos.

• “Unlock your boxer skip. Then you’ll be able to skip forever without getting tired.”
• “Here’s how to do Double-Unders, though they’re overrated.”
• “You’re skipping like it hurts. Relax and skip easy. Smile every once in a while and you’ll feel it all over.”

But how did that turn into running?
Though jumping rope is inherently enjoyable, 30-minute skipping sessions of staring at the wall without something in your headphones can be a bit drab.
One fateful day, about 2 years into being student of the jump rope, I began listening to the book Born to Run: A Hidden Tribe, Superathletes, and the Greatest Race the World Has Never Seen by Christopher McDougall.
Even before I got to the end of the book, running—just like jump rope— sounded fun**.**
Yeah, I know that sounds counterintuitive—unless you’ve read the book.
“I knew aerobic exercise was a powerful antidepressant, but I hadn’t realized it could be so profoundly mood stabilizing and — I hate to use the word — meditative. If you don’t have answers to your problems after a four-hour run, you ain’t getting them.”
Ok, ok—I’ll bite.
I proceeded to dive into all of the normal “Couch to 5k” running programs I could find and took my jump rope to a nearby park with a 1k walking path—sprinkling in running between jump rope sessions.
But something wasn’t adding up.
There was a lot of advice about walk-running to build endurance until one could run a block, two blocks, a mile.
Not to brag, but I wasn’t experiencing most beginner snags.
**“Ah, I know why—**I did most of my newbie wind-sucking two years ago!”
This isn’t to say I wasn’t still periodically sucking wind but after two years of consistent boxer skips and double-unders, getting gassed felt like part of the fun and not a medical emergency.
I also felt much springier than the average beginning runner—able to run for miles all over the city in the most minimal of footwear.
And so, I tried my hand at my first race—a donut-themed 10k. And silvered in my age group.
(Ok, there was only two of us…but my time was still respectable. 😂)
Running became an amazingly freeing activity, like getting my driver’s license for my legs.
But I still didn’t understand why running was coming easier to me than the average newcomer.
Digging still deeper, I unearthed another exciting revelation—this time from multi-decade sub-3-hour Boston Marathon runner and one of the foremost running experts on the planet, Dr. Mark Cucuzzella.
“Running with a jump rope is also an amazingly simple drill for posture, balance, and rhythm.”
In other words—form. Overall technique.
Digging a little keeper and experimenting on myself, I discovered just how similar proper running technique and proper jump rope technique were.
Both require:

• An upright, chest-leading, elbows-back, joint-stacked posture
• A soft mid-foot landing directly under your pelvis
• A quick loading and unloading of “leg springs” from your tendons and ligaments to reduce “stickiness” and wasted energy
• A proper supination (roll out) followed by a quick pronation (roll in) of the feet to help launch one’s body
• A steady core without dropping hips from side to side to reduce energy “leakage”

And so many other commonalities. The list unraveled before me on every run.
And like running, without proper technique, jumping rope just doesn’t work—though the consequences are different.
For a jump roper, due to the lower impact, the risk of injury is quite minimal.
Most newbie rope slingers will report sore calves, slightly tender Achilles tendons, and the odd shin splint if they go full Rocky at it. No need to worry, though—most of these injuries see themselves out as the skipper becomes more experienced.
However, for runners, the injury story is more severe.
The next time you’re at a park with a good path, take a seat on a bench and watch the runners. See if you can spot folks reaching far out in front of them with straightened legs—smashing heels into the pavement.
This style of running results in everything from screaming knees, plantar fasciitis, lower back pain, to hips issues.
But why do all of these occur to new runners, but rarely to new jump ropers?
Most new runners commit a major physiological no-no when they begin their running journey: they treat running like fast, aggressive, airborne walking.
“Well, what is it supposed to be?”
Synchronized jumping.
Simply put, proper running is nothing more than a series of coordinated single leg jumps through space with each landing compressing the springs for the next stride.
To compare this synchronized jumping to the aggressive airborne walking of heel-led running, you can test these in just a few seconds.
Step 1: Stand up.
Step 2: Kick off your shoes.
Step 3: Jump up and down three times.
How did you land?
Probably on your mid-foot, knee bent slightly, with your weight stacked above your pelvis.
And did you use your compressed “leg springs” to launch you into the following two jumps?
Oddly enough, if you were to add a jump rope to this, you would on your way to spinning side swings like Lulu Hawton.
If you were to take this same technique one foot at a time moving forward, you would be running in a way that increases speed, preserves stamina (springs!), and drastically decreases your likelihood of injury.
Let’s try the same test with a few tweaks.
This time, jump, but land on your heels.
Your knees probably remained fairly straight and you felt the impact in your ankles, knees, hips, and possibly even your lower back.
Now, imagine attempting to jump rope this way.
It simply doesn’t work.
Not only would there be no second jump due to the lack of spring but the pain would stop you in your tracks—even in cushioned shoes.
But if jump rope technique and proper running technique are nearly identical, what are aggressive heel landings doing in running?
While a jump roper landing on their heels would resemble Frankenstein’s monster in an express lane to an orthopedist, this is how many people perform the aggressive airborne walk—aka, a heel-striking, over-striding run.
But why do we run this way? Well, our shoes let us get away with it.
Thick heel cushioning and a bit of forward momentum do a great job of masking the pain of repeated blows against every joint up the chain—for a while, anyway. Eventually, the chickens come home to roost in the form of stress fractures, meniscus tears, plantar fasciitis, “runner’s knee,” IT-band syndrome, and more.
Not to brag (and maybe to knock on some wood), I have never experienced any of these injuries in my three years of running.
Is this because I’m some kind of running genius with all of the cheat codes? Haha, I wish! It’s simply sheer luck that I started out with jumping rope before running—an activity that shares the same injury-preventing techniques.
So, are the shoes totally to blame? No.
It is possible to run with proper form in shoes with raised, cushioned heels. But it’s not as easy.
When your heel is totally cushioned, you will be able to run with a heel strike in the same way you can hit your head against a brick wall while wearing a football helmet. And in both instances, it will eventually become less about the forces outside of the foam and more about the forces inside the cushion against each other that do the most damage.
“So, how can getting a jump rope help me become a better runner?”
Jump rope is a tremendous training tool for runners for the same reason why running barefoot can also be helpful—the feedback is immediate.
Though running with inefficient and injurious form is possible, the feedback from doing so isn’t so immediate. When it comes to jumping rope, however, you won’t get through too many skips if you don’t learn to utilize the springs in your legs. The rope doesn’t pull punches.
So, get a rope and get started.
If you’re new to jump rope, I would recommend acquiring two pieces of equipment.
Firstly, find a jump rope with a little bit, but not too much, weight to it. The weight will help you feel the position of the rope during it’s entire rotation and remain in better sync with your wrist spins
My favorite rope for this purpose is a 7mm PVC model called the Hererope, which costs a whopping $15. If you find this to be too thick or heavy, a cheap 5mm PVC model will work as well.
Secondly, to protect your rope and provide a nice jumping surface, I would recommend a large foam-rubber exercise mat. My favorite is a massive 78” mat for $32—which is probably the cheapest jump rope mat you will find.
When it comes to footwear, barefoot is ideal. This will help strengthen and mobilize your feet—including your likely overly-supported neglected arches.
And just how does one begin to jump rope?

• Keep a tall posture—imagining a string pulling you up from the crown of your head.
• Your chest should open, elbows back, hands about a fist’s width from your pockets.
• Jump from the balls of your feet, only high enough to clear the rope. When landing, let the skin of your heels “kiss” the floor—touching without taking on weight.
• Keep your knees slightly bent, using every landing to load your springs for the next take-off.
• Keep the cadence quick to maximize spring recoil. To help, listen to a song that’s at about 160 beats per minute, such as the song “Hey Ya” by Outkast (or a song of similar tempo) to get a feel for the speed for skipping rope. (For running, many recommend using “Rock Lobster” by the B-52s for cadence tempo reference.)

Start with short seasons hopping with both feet—maybe 30 seconds on, 30 seconds rest. Aim for minimal muscular activation, instead, using the recoil of your tendons and ligaments for suspension and launch as much as possible.
From jumping with both feet, move onto learning an alternating leg bounce—essentially a jog skip. Right, left, right, left—all while keeping an imaginary belt level with the horizon.
By now, you’re essentially running in place with an extremely efficient technique.
Now, apply your jump rope skills to your running!
This is going to seem quite bizarre, but it is possible (and even beneficial) to take your jump rope for a run.

• Start skipping rope on a road or path with the alternating leg bounce. Remember to keep your elbows back, shoulders relaxed, head pulled up as if tugged skyward by a string from your crown and your imaginary belt level with the horizon.
• Then, as though leaning forward just enough to give someone a kiss or have an imaginary umbilical cord lightly tugged, begin to jump rope forward.
• Remember to continue to land and load on your mid-foot—aiming to keep your weight under your pelvis just like skipping rope. Landing on your heels will likely snag the rope and keep your foot on the ground too long.
• As you proceed with this, remember how it feels—the quick foot turnover, the posture, the recoil in your leg springs, the core stability, and the lightness of it.
• In the middle of doing this, simply toss the handles behind you and keep running as though it was still there—still pretending to spin the handles.
• At a comfortable stopping point, run back to your rope—now using your hands in a wood-chop motion to counter balance your leg bounces while keeping your pelvis (imaginary belt) level and stable.

And there you have it!
You may find it quite helpful to return to this drill once or twice a week. Also if you find your form slipping a bit or becoming slugging mid-run, feel free to skip imaginary rope to try to correct your technique mid-stride. It will restore lightness and springiness to your running.
I still find myself bringing my wrists to my pockets and spinning imaginary jump rope handles if I feel my technique is collapsing a bit or if my running is becoming less springy.
And remember, most importantly—have fun. 👍
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Hey, I (19f) went to a university party last week, its a kind of party that starts a 10 p.m and ends with the morning, we go to dance, kiss and drink, it was open bar (those kind of partys are pretty commun in my country). Since I was planing to stay there until the end I wanted to enjoy the most, so I drank a good amount of alcohol, enough to get me completely drunk at the middle of the party but to be sober by the end of it, I figured out it was going to be ok because I planned it, and I was with my friends, I'm the shy kind, so I needed the alcohol to become more outgoing and relaxed. Anyway, until the middle everything was going wonderfully well as planned, I was dancing, talking to everyone, really having my time you know and I've kissed plenty of the people that I was willing to including a friend that we will call Kevin, Kevin and I have being friends for about a year and a half, not the closest type but he helped me in some difficult times and used to say he would aways be there for me, I used to trust him with all my heart because he had proved more than once that he was the reliable kind, I think it's important to address that we, in fact, had something physical a couple of times, but not anything in the romantic side, just two friends helping with each other's needs, I also kissed a guy that I've met at another party a week prior, let's call him Steve. At some point at the party I realized that my phone was missing and immediately started to panic, I've forgotten it in my back pocket and someone just toke it, I went running to the security and warned them about it but they said there was nothing that could be done since I didn't see the thief, by this time the friend that I went with to the party, we can call him Theo, found me and started to help me calm down along with Steve that had also found me, I was literally having a major panic attack because I had just finished paying for my phone and everything I had was on it. Theo than received a call from other friend of his telling that someone had drugged him, I told Theo that I was fine and he could go help his friends, after all it seemed more of a emergency than just a missing phone and a panic attack, with this I ended alone with Steve, I decided then that it would be more effective if I went to inside of the party and warn everyone that I knew about my phone and to search for me if they found it, so I did it, as I crossed the party more drunk and more desperate I became, I warned Kevin and his friends group and then I spotted my ex with some old friends of mine that I don't keep contact anymore, I truly didn't want to bother but at this point I was completely freaked and thought that the more people knew about my phone bigger were the chances of getting it back, so I approach them and told what happened and that I was getting really drunk, I also asked my ex to text my mom so she could track my phone (she had my location), they didn't pay much attention and a girl told me to recompose my self gave me a water ticket, since they weren't really open to my presence I left to get the water and sit outside of the party again, keep in mind that the whole time Steven were by my side and clearly bothered with me talking to everyone. Outside a girl and I boy, friends of Kevin I assume, started taking with me and asking what happened, I told the whole story again and my panic just increased alongside with it the alcohol finally hit with all its strenght and I realized I couldn't remember where I lived or even my mom's number, I realized that I was completely waisted, without a way to communicate, alone, surrounded by completely strangers, one of then, Steven, even made it clear earlier that he wanted to have intercourse with me, even though he had being respectful with me (even if clearly bothered) I was still afraid, after all I was still a girl alone in a party. I decided then that I should ask Kevin for help since I've known him for what a consider a long time and I truly trusted him, I ignored Steven protests and went back to the party search for Kevin, when I found him he was with a girl but I figured a friend in clearly danger would be more important than kissing a stranger, so I asked him if he was drugged or drunk, he said no to both questions, so I asked if he was sober enough with he said he was, I looked around and saw that Steven was still behind me so I grabbed Kevin's arm and started to pull him somewhere else and said that I really needed his help (keep in mind that he knew about my phone and I was with a look of completely terror in my face) Kevin them pushed me with the arm that I was grabbing him, not strong enough to hurt me, but enough to scare me (I am a really petit girl and Kevin is really strong and almost 6'7) and said that he didn't want me, that was my breaking point, I started crying and shaking as he walked away from me, a girl that I suppose was friends with him saw this and came to my help, I explained to her about my phone, that I was drunk and scared and that Kevin had helped me in situations like this before, she nodded and went to talk to him because she believed that he misunderstood me, but when she came back she said that he told her that was just a "crazy girl that he never saw in his life", oh man those words were like knives in my heart, and are still hunting me, I were helpless. I did the only thing that I could think at the time, asked the girl to stay by my side since I didn't want to be alone with Steven and went to talk with my ex and my old friend group, I pushed a girl aside and told her everything and how scared I was, she immediately took me to the other people and said they needed to help me, again, nobody gave that much of importance, I said that my ex knew were I live and maybe could help, so they called him and he asked if I still lived in ***** , I said I couldn't remember because I was too drunk and they started to get inpatient and said they would call my mom to come and get me than, I freaked out (my mom let me do anything since I don't die or don't bother her) and started asking them to please not call her, cause I knew it would just cause more problems and she probably wouldn't even help, other girls in the group said that then they could do nothing to me, nobody disagreed with her and they kind just let it aside, Steven just said to me go with him and nobody protested so I left, feeling that I didn't really had a choice. Outside of the party Steven's friends were still waiting for us, I returned and started crying again, feeling abandoned and betrayed, they tried their best to get me to say were I lived but soon they saw that I couldn't talk anything that would make sense in that moment, so they calmed me down and stayed with me till I was sober enough, the girl that I've just met was a Saint, she got really protective and didn't let any man come close to me, when I was finally able to inform my address they (Steven, this girl and the other friend of his) took me home, it was around 4 a.m when I got home, I was a mess, all the feelings came like a wave, I cried myself to sleep and since then I've been a disaster, sure I'm that I lost my phone but what really hurts me is what happened after this, I can't wrap my mind that completely strangers were more worried about me than my friends and people who once had a important role in my life, matter of fact I kind understand my ex and his friends, I was a really shitty girlfriend back then, even though they having a reason don't make it hurt less, but Kevin?? I've never done anything bad to him, never being anything but a good friend, why would he do thus to me? I just want to text him and ask why, sometimes I want to course him because I'm so mad, he didn't even bother to write a text asking if I was okay the next day, nothing, he just keeps seeing everything I post in silence, I feel so hurt, so depressed, so angry, I feel that I'm on my lowest since everything.
Ps: just wanted to say sorry for my bad grammar, English isn't my first language and I'm literally shaking while I write this, I'm truly a mess

I've been with my girlfriend for 9 years. I've asked her to marry me but she declines saying that she doesn't believe in a traditional marriage.
Our physical relationship was great at first, but like with all relationships, it began to dry up a bit.
Well, at least I thought I knew what "a bit" was...
To put into perspective, I had more sex when I was in the military and my girlfriend at the time lived across the country.
The entire thing has been a roller coaster. No idea how we had a child together, but we did. Our Daughter is so kind, and caring. She's smart and beautiful in every way I could ask for. But, I digress.
Since our Daughter was born, my girlfriend has had no interest in me. I've expressed my feelings and tried to talk to her. I try to flirt, be sweet, romantic. Nothing works. She makes this face of disgust at me. Yesterday, I was rubbing her back and tried to be sexy. I said something about tearing her shirt off(In bed, not in front of our child, of course.) My girlfriend looked at me like I farted into her nose...
She doesn't want to split. Whatsoever. But she doesn't seem to want to change at all. So how can I just channel my energy into something more? My daughter is now 6 and I've spent a majority of those years years struggling with my girlfriend to have sex more than 3 times a year, if that?
I'm tired of feeling depressed and rejected by her all the time. I want to feel desired and attractive. I want her to make advances towards me instead of always acting like I'm disgusting. But I also can't expect her to act a certain way or make her change because I want something different... So what do I do?
I've done therapy now for over 3 years, multiple perception medications and even anger managment. I'm doing all that I can and that is the best thing I can focus on... but I can't sit here and pretend like I need all this help, and she shouldn't have to do anything at all?
Side note: I have offered alternatives. I don't need sex. There is other options entirely. She is the one that has no interest if it isn't traditional sex.
Tl;dr : My girlfriend of 9 years has only gotten worse and worse in our physical relationship. We have a daughter so I don't want to leave. What methods or ideas could I use to stop feeling so mad, frustrated or hurt by rejection? Recently I've just stopped trying at all and gave up talking to her pretty much. Quick one or two word answers. She hasn't seemed to notice over the past week at all.

I wrote you a poem, here it is

Clean-scented laundry fills the room, I can’t breathe, it smells of him, I’m now shrouded in gloom, Of a love that burned bright, and yet died too soon. Wherever you are, in your absence I weep,
Why you couldn’t stay, is a secret I keep so deep, You needed to find your own way, they’ll say, You leaned on me and we fell, caught in life’s play.
But as the memories fade, I still long for the day, When our love was the sun and when the world was our bay. I choke on your closeness, a love beyond repair, In truth, it was a soiled love in disarray, o’how life is cruel, and unfair.
And as the memories fade, I go on, wishing I’d been wiser, held on tighter, and with care. But our love that once burned so bright, has now died by our past’s despair. And so I move forward longing for a time that couldn’t last, at the very least, aware.

I've never been good at expressing myself, and you know that, having been at the brunt of it. I even came out to my mom in a letter. Here are the words I wish I could tell you now but can't.
You trusted me to care for you when you were low, but I could never do the same. My feelings were buried so deep that I couldn't find them for you. I'm sorry. It's been 3 years, and not a day has passed for me. The memories we made are as fresh as garden herbs, so it pains me to see that you've moved on. It's selfish, I know. Of course, You deserve it; You are singular and bigger than life to me. I pray at every recollection that you've found a brighter joy I couldn't provide. I'm 21 now and so are you, still young, yet the heights we reached gave us aged insight into what love should be. If nothing else, I'm glad to be a stepping stone for you on your way to finding your ultimate love and truth. I've worked hard to recognise my bpd tendencies yet remain undiagnosed for various reasons. Our last week together scored my heart and yours too. I know understand that the emotions I feel are transient, and If I work hard enough to recognise that I might just inch toward a better place. I still haunt your instragram, I saw that you took your boyfriend to the same show we attended together. I remember how much you love that show; you cried when we saw it. It belonged to you, yet I had somehow claimed it as mine all this time. It hurt not gonna lie, but this isn't about me. You've found someone to share what we once did. So while I drown in tears for the dozenth time, I am genuinely happy you've moved forward. I could never articulate this to you, but I often shudder at the thought I may never love someone as deeply as I loved you. I know, I've tried and failed. I am indifferent towards everyone, a walking corpse. But don't feel bad, this part isn't about you. This is mine while on this journey to heal wounds that were gaping before I met you. At this point I still fear the healing process. I'm starting to believe that maybe my life was meant for you. It felt that way then while I could never show it, and it feels that way now even stronger in my sorrow. My history that you couldn't have known would have told you that. Looking back I really did share nothing while you bared yourself for me. I'm so sorry to have humiliated you like that. I was nothing and when you arrived I was finally something. When you left me I reverted to nothing. Even worse than that, to have glimpsed the end of a long, draining passage and then to have lost it, it feels like I'm wandering in the dark again, and searching for an exit that is no longer accessible. The future I envision is a steep cliff. Back then It almost led me to my demise. The abyss is so deep but I haven't the courage to end this suffering I've always been acquainted with. You were my yesterday, my today, and always. The future is a mirror reflecting the past and it's all you. I'm working to change that. I am trying to move on but it really is so hard. I'm glad it seems easier for you. So as I wave goodbye from this sinking ship beyond the horizon out of sight and out of mind...
Best wishes.

May 2020: I treated him coldly after he laughed off my story of experiencing an awarding ceremony mishap where my name was mentioned but someone else's face was on the screen (this already happened to me multiple times: First incident, my certificate stated "his" instead of her. Second incident, it stated "1st place" instead of 1st runner up.) So I(15F) finally decided to end the (1 year) mutual understanding with him(16M). We still had little to no conversations. Until I slowly started to realize that breaking up with him was the worst move.
First Week of December 2022: We had a group project, we (just friends 17F and 18M) originally planned to be grouped together until, his friend asked him to be grouped with him because his friend didn't want to be with people he doesn't know. Without telling us about it (only him and his girl best friend knew), he tried to group the rest of the members with his girl best friend because he trusts her. I asked him what happened and he never replied, ghosted me for a week.
Last Week of December 2022: I was doubting (because he has girl best friends) but still tried to get back with him, he agreed and we've fallen for each other all over again. Fast forward to a few months, I opened up about being jealous of his girl best friends, he accepted and didn't say anything about it.
Additional detail: We would take the ride home together. He recently revealed to me that he had been going back to school (20-30 minute ride, and as much as possible, he likes taking the 1.5km walk going to and coming back from school) for his track and field training. After training, he's all sleepy and whole body hurts. I surprised him with a mini ice pack but he barely used it. I was unaware that my concerns became words and actions that started downgrading him where he already stopped liking track and field. Due to what happened and being busy in college, he barely joined trainings again.
He had a big competition where they had to get up early in the morning so he had to sleepover at his friend's house. My best friend was also there, she chatted me that she couldn't sleep and I told her she can ask him(my now BF) for help but she was still too shy to ask. My best friend felt uncomfortable around the other guys, he volunteered to watch over her. He started to think how awkward things got and felt uncomfortable around my best friend. I used his girl best friends against the situation and he admitted that compared to my best friend, he wouldn't feel uncomfortable if it was his girl best friends. Now all he remembers is that I ruined his competition day.
May 2023: I wasn't allowed to attend prom because I had strict parents. He also planned to not go but during the very last minute, he was forced by his parents because it's a once in a lifetime opportunity. My last chat to him was to enjoy and his last chat was a thank you for allowing him to go and a sorry for breaking his promise that he wouldn't go without me.
June 2023: I asked "Did you drank during prom?", he suddenly got all defensive and it took him a day before he admitted that he was invited to drink in a room with 1 guy friend, 1 girl best friend and 4 other girls, without telling me (because he knew I would get mad). His statements were "He knows his tolerance level." "He only went with them as a pay back because we're all going to college already."
August 2023: We're enjoying our lunch and I randomly saw a notification popped up, it was from his girl best friend. I asked him what he could do about it but he said "His girl best friends came first before me and they were there during his hardest times, especially when we broke up."
November 2023: Every time we would argue, as a fight or flight response, I would bring up our unresolved prom issue and he would start questioning if all the sacrifices and efforts he had given and been giving will never be enough just because of the issue, kept asking me to forgive and forget. Then we came up with the plan to tell my parents about our relationship.
Additional detail: We went out during November and I had a curfew to reach home by 5. He convinced me to stay longer, but I started worrying that I'll be scolded once I reach home. We were buying food, I really didn't know which one to choose and ended up giving the staff a silent treatment which I'm really ashamed of. And I was also scolded for violating the curfew time. Now all he remembers from that day is my silent treatment.
December 2023: All was going according to his plan, he bought presents during their family trip. But I screwed up the very last minute, asked him if he's really prepared, because of my doubts he called off the confession as well.
May 2024: We're arguing over everything in a never ending cycle. He called me sexist for wanting him to be the one to face my parents. I had to convince him to come with me and I'll do the talking (planning to confess in the upcoming month). Now, he's still passing the responsibility to me, expects me to do it on my own.
Additional detail: He called me emotional, said my rants had been draining him, so I had to promise that I'll stop sharing the littlest things that's happening in my life. Once I started sharing stories (turning into rants) again, he would break up with me, saying that the only way I can get back with him is to face my parents on my own.
TLDR: I(15F) broke up with him(16M), got back together after 2 years. Due to unresolved issues and traumas, we're(18F 19M) now stuck in a never ending cycle of unintentionally destroying each other. I really hope we could still fix the relationship :( Would appreciate all the thoughts and advices, thank you in advance!!

*Trigger warning: Mention of Self Harm*
Apologies if this post seems long, but I really need some outside perspective. I (25F) recently broke up with my ex (26M) after a decade together because I had committed self-harm. We have one child together (6moF), and since the incident happened, I have been in intensive therapy to receive help with my mental health.
While I was in the hospital, he served me with custody papers for our daughter. I was hurt and upset by it, but I understood where it was coming from, so I never made a big deal about it. But after some talking, we agreed to an informal agreement that allows me to see her on weekends at his place.
Here is where I need some advice. During Mother's Day weekend, his mother (who never liked me) came over to his apartment uninvited and let herself into his building with the access code given to her for emergencies. Then she banged on the door and once she was inside, she began yelling and cussing all bad words at me (though that doesn't hurt my feelings in the slightest) because I am used to her bitterness and hatred towards me. I find it hilarious because she has been a HORRIBLE mother to her son.
Once she saw me, she went to assault me (she tried yanking my hair, but only was able to rip the scarf off of my head) and yelling that I needed to get out. He is the only one underneath his lease and told her that wasn't going to happen, and she needed to go. He tried explaining our situation we have for our daughter, but it was falling on deaf ears. After she touched me, though I am taller than her by a lot, I stood up and cussed back at her. Mostly saying to not touch me and ripping her a new one about how poor of a mother she's been to him for years (which I know struck a chord because my ex mentioned it later in a different conversation, he had with her).
I was so mad and told him that while I could press charges on her for touching me, I chose not to BECAUSE that is his mother. I do not care nor want a relationship with that woman. All I care about is maintaining a good co-parenting relationship with my ex for the sake of our daughter. It already hurts because I went from seeing her every day to only on weekends, but I know my actions have consequences and these are mine.
However, another incident occurred that made me want to reach out to the world of Reddit. Today, my ex called to inform me that, my former boss and his new landlord, told him that she saw me out today. She threatened him to say that if he doesn't stop letting me come over, then she will go to court to have him evicted. (NOTE: My former boss is friends with his mother)
I told him that she is doing some illegal shit here and he needs to contact corporate about it because not only has she said this to him but she's been telling his mother about "noise complaints" that he's had since moving in. (NOTE: These accusations are baseless because the old woman above him has been doing it since he moved in.)
I expressed my grievances with him and told him that he needs to put his foot down and set boundaries with his mother and the landlord. I told him that he needs to be direct and firm, but also save to get a different place because his mother helped him get this apartment. I feel like she wants to make him so co-dependent on her because most of his bills are already underneath her name, too. I am not trying to make the situation more complicated. I just want to see my child and be on good terms with her father.
I need advice because I do not know how to help him, and I do not want him feeling more stressed out than what the people around him are already doing. Please offer me some advice so I can pass that along to him as well because we are both trying to move on and be good parents to our child, but his family and the landlord are making it more about themselves than the baby.

Let me start this by saying I live with my mom and am F20.
She is a narcissist and has been my whole life. Today it just really hurt worse than normal. I keep getting overstimulated as she purposely tries to set me off with triggers. She is well aware what my triggers are and does it on purpose.
Today I was supposed to work and instead of working she had made a doctors appt for me to discuss my overstimulation and basically she just wants me drugged up and to turn into a zombie without any thoughts, words, etc. It’s like she wants me to be on 8 different meds when I told her the simple fix is trying to not do things that are very triggering to me i.e. not stomping on the floor upstairs above me and waking me up constantly through the night, maybe knocking before coming in, etc, but she will never honor those boundaries I try to set.
Anyways when I was trying to leave for work she essentially forced me to go to this doctor’s appt and skip work without even calling them or texting to let them know. My work called later on and I answered and broke down a bit on the phone. It really sounds like when I go in tomorrow I’m gonna be let go.
I don’t want to lose my job because I actually like it. I make good money, but I know for a fact I’m going to get fired. I want to let my work know what’s really going on, but it’s humiliating to admit it and to tell others. It’s also the fact that if someone hasn’t gone through what I’ve gone through, they won’t understand. They won’t understand why I can’t just move out, or why I can’t just ignore her.
I don’t even know what to do.

My daughter is 4 months old, and yesterday was my first Mother’s Day. Her dad didn’t wish me a happy Mother’s Day or anything. I wasn’t expecting a gift, but him not saying those words to me felt like a punch in the gut. What’s even worse is that the day before, I had expressed how excited I was for my first Mother’s Day. It wasn’t as if he forgot.
Our relationship has always been rocky, but in the last few months we had both verbalized how we wanted to make this work between us. I ended up being the only one who was really trying, despite his lack of seeing his daughter and I. He would come one night a week, and then leave in the morning. I have our baby full time. At this point I’m sick of trying. I expressed how he hurt me by not even sending me a text, and I’ve Got nothing. At this point I’ve lost hope in even wanting a relationship with her dad. It’s exhausting, draining, and straight up disrespectful of MY time.

I'm at a loss for words man... so all day I was battling people mad at the fact that he couldn't understand her swordsmanship cause she had progress that far ahead only to find out that it wasn't complete. As a die hard sunny fan I'm both satisfied and disappointed...
Satisfied that sunnys ability to read skills and shadow styles still works and that had neph used her actual style he would have copied it, maybe not as easily as he usually did with others. Heck I don't even know why I'm disappointed I'll have to sleep on that or see what others have to say and if they align with how I feel.
In any case I'm glad his insight on reading styles has increases especially on saints and I guess to some extent how to incorporate aspects into them. Perhaps this will go towards helping him break through the next stage of shadow dance, if that's the case then it's a huge blow on my ego as a sunny>neph advocate because that would mean that in all these 4 years of his shadow dance being stagnant it only took a few minutes with nephs presence improve. This hurts my ego because it makes sense... sunny had been probably never had an equal like neph since they whole fate incident thus no one to really push him to his limits and force him to improve... I can't really hate on neph

Personality type
Intp? I guess- still don't understand my self really. Even if I did do so much personality test, it's really no point since my thoughts and perspective changes so much. It's like I don't have a certain personality.
I'm self aware of my changes I guess? But not at certain moments. It's hard to tell people what I'm trying to talk about casue everytime I try to speak it out- I studder. And ending up forgetting what I'm gonna say or what I'm even doing. By the time I remember- it's too late and ending up ruining my chance to get help.
It's like- part of me wants to suffer, since either can't hurt others, I'll hurt me instead.
I try to look for answers about my 'condition' but all i get it very common words and saying "sign of depression". Which Ik I do have- but I feel like that's just not it, because at least depression can be cured unlike a broken mindset- I guess?
I believe I can get fixed- but i don't believe I can be cured? It's really hard to understand what I'm saying- I don't really understand myself because I feel like it's un true and I'm lying to myself. But other times it does feel true.
It's tough trying for help when there's nothing to see that needs to be helped. In the end- people you talk to will just probably think you're lying or wanting attention. It's sucks that knowing that deep down- you know for well there is something wrong with you but just can't find the right words to say it without making sound bad? And for other people that are listening to me- don't understand what I'm saying since they don't have the same problem I'm dealing with myself. I know this seems like I'm thinking only for myself- but I just want answers and learn how to help it- It's like I'm a alien or some being that pretending to be a human, living in this plant or in the universe.
I suffer with memory lost but not that bad, I can remember some stuff I have done vividly. It's like a little picture flash on bad parts I've done. Or hell- even good parts. At this point, I feel like my memories are just slipping away from me and feel put of place. I just feel like im observing myself like I'm in a fucked up movie- with different roles to play as. It's confusing to say what my personality or well being us since I don't feel real or anything around me. It just feels like a game or a story game that's has so much different endings.
No matter what I say or do- what people will tell me and try to help- it just doesn't- satisfied me... Either way- I believe I just have a damaged mind and perspective in life- all I'm gonna see is life it's short and pointless on going.
Taking some personality test- and sometime it always comes out different then my last results... I could be the most rarest personality to the most common personality. And it just goes back and forth and ending up more confused.
It's just know my mental health isn't ok- but I do think it's nothing serious about it for me. So- I just ignore it. Even if it does cause me pain in the end- but ignoring it and trying not make a whole deal about it is the better option.