The "One Night Only" Talent Show Challenge results are in!
Gigi Goode has won the "Sexy Car Wash Photoshoot" Mini Challenge!
After the challenge, Gigi Goode & Tessa Testicle are declared safe. They all step to the back of the stage, leaving the tops and bottoms for their critiques.

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ON THE MAINSTAGE...
Arizona Brandy receives positive critiques from the judges. They had no idea what to expect when she was telling RuPaul what her talent would be, but she kept them thoroughly entertained. Telling jokes and doing funny stripper moves, all while being suspended from a pole high in the air, was insane. Something about it was iconic yet chaotic, but they could tell it was just her having fun. Overall, she did what she should have done in this challenge: Make them excited to see more of her in the competition. Her runway did this same thing, serving this fun and campy look with this brandy bottle gown she drank out of. Overall, she was so much fun to watch, and they couldn't wait to see more.
Ashley Madison receives negative critiques from the judges. They can tell she's a refined and funny queen, but they think her guard was too far up during this challenge. This is her first time introducing herself to them, and this simplistic performance, although impressive in twirling and throwing batons and flags into the air, they think she lacked a certain panache. It was all too rehearsed, too rigid, too structured. She needed something with a more personal edge rather than a talent they think any non-queen could've done for this challenge and seen on something like Dance Moms. Her runway this week is very simplistic yet refined. It does the job of introducing her, but she needs more than a pretty leather gown for this competition.
Kween Kong receives positive critiques from the judges. Kween is an absolute fireball of a queen/ Number one, and she's so assertive in her presence in performance and runway. Her song was fantastic and an earworm, the chorus stuck in their head all day. Not only that but her impeccable moves and the gravity-defying stunts she was doing every second was simply unbelievable. She has such grace and power when she performs, doing stunts and rolls that they didn't even know were possible. She carried this grace and power on the runway even further with this fantastic tribute to her culture. Blending this cultural gown into something more "Draggy" was awe-inspiring because she had such a regal energy throughout.
Mirage receives positive critiques from the judges. For such a young queen, she is so refined in performance. Something about her drag is so edgy and so modern that she excites them with her mind. This bitch track was incredible, giving some iconic reads and pairing along with some of the sexiest moves they've ever seen in their entire lives. She has such a captivating performance style that she's like a siren because she moves her body so fluidly that she traps them in her performance. The strippers she's learned from taught her well. It continues to translate into her runway, using the opportunity to do a strip tease into this bright, sexy, and fun performance outfit.
Pupi Poisson receives negative from the judges. Something about her drag is so classic, which RuPaul respects. She respects the older queens who keep drag alive and exciting, constantly pushing the pedal to the medal for fashion. This performance showed that she thoroughly knows how to work with a crowd. She kept them interested and had a funny performance; they think she dragged down the energy after two energetic performances. It's hard to do stand-up, but she made up for it with the comedic tuba playing she had, using it as a funny gag that had RuPaul pissing herself. Though her runway introduces her well with this sickening executive realness meets Met Gala look, it has too much going on for an opening look.
Shannon Skarllet receives positive critiques from the judges. They didn't know what to expect from Shannon besides that she was a pocket rocket. They think she pushed herself to the top because the girls overlooked her. She had an enjoyable original song; blending twerking with fire dancing was so much fun. She knew what she was doing and did it well, so she allowed everyone to have fun alongside her, even with their mini torches. Not only that, but she looked beautiful and knew it while doing it. She's, by far, one of the most stamped queens of this premiere. Her runway embracing the fun of Carnival and blending it into this sexily padded look gagged them because she was unclockable in this feathered fun ensemble.

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AFTER DELIBERATION...
TOP 2: Kween Kong / Mirage
HIGH: Arizona Brandy / Shannon Skarllet
SAFE: Gigi Goode / Tessa Testicle
LOW: Pupi Poisson
BOTTOM: Ashley Madison
Ashley Madison will continue to the next episode and lip-sync against the queen at the bottom of the second premiere. The Top Two Queens will Lip-Sync for Their Lives to "Hands On Me" by Ariana Grande ft. A$AP Ferg. This is their Last Chance to Impress RuPaul and win themselves the Maxi Challenge. Good Luck, and Don't Fuck It Up!
POLL / Track Record

I've had trouble learning some things I got injured for the 1st month from a fracture from a brake press. I had one write up because I was starting to fall alseep in front of the computer from jet lag from my previously planned vacation and since my job starts at 5am. I was late once due to a miscalculation with my alarm on my 3rd day of work as I set my alarm to 4pm and not 4am.
None of which happened again, I have a pass or fail competency exam to end my probation period and I'm nervous because I've been doing the same thing for 6 weeks but since it requires a lot of measurements, I've had trouble understanding it. I've taken notes but I mess up the programming steps because of the math and size of the sheet.
Any advice will help.

Hey ya’ll, first off shoutout to the few folks who messaged me for my last post, with ideas and advice on getting what I needed before the deadline hit! By the skin of my teeth, I was able to pay my current rent, and pay the deposit of a much much cheaper place I’ll be moving into in a couple of weeks! That being said I tapped myself out completely, and can’t make anymore cash until work Saturday morning/evening. Looking for a hold over for gas and tiny amount of groceries. Thanks in advance, and stay beautiful.
-Cheers!

I, (24) was told by my mom (49) that her and my dad (59) were taking a break to go through their issues together and find a way to bring their love back.
When my mom told me about it she said they were hiding it for a while because they know how sensitive i am. Weeks later I felt a bit suspicious and anxious that my mom was messaging another guy. I ask her if there was a chance for that a little annoyed. My mom looks at me hurt for saying that and defensive. I started crying after that and she ended up comforting me.
About a month or two after that, she got a call from someone i don’t even know. She talked a bit in the house and eventually went outside to talk to him. It’s my paranoia… but I stayed as silent as I could to hear what they were saying. It sounded like they were flirting to me because my mom was really giggly talking and her hiding from the ring camera scared me. When she was done I came inside and asked “Who was that?” and she said a ‘friend’. I told her about why i was wondering cause she sounded flirty with the person on the phone.
Few months later back to now. This morning I saw she had a notification from a man with the most NPC name. The message reading “What are you doing?😘❤️” and my gut dropped… i even asked my mom who this was and she just took her phone and said why are you looking through my phone when you can’t even let us have your instagram or twitter?” (I am a kpop fan and i just feel very awkward having family look at my selfies).
She went out on the porch to do something and while she was doing that I decided to (Feel Very Guilty) look through her ipad and find her instagram DMS. I open them.. and to my anxious heart i scrolled through the messages. Her talking about her ideal partner asking him his. Asking my mom to send selfies and him sending back calling my mom beautiful and his girl. (My dad loves my mom so much and is wanting to everything he can to bring back what they had. We have so much to do and he even planned on renewing vows for their anniversary.) Them later saying they’re gonna switch to whatsapp or telegram to talk instead for “confidential information”.
I felt like throwing up. Shaking and trying to not cry, i took lots of pictures for proof. Freaking out and fucking scared i go downstairs and cry for an hour trying to figure out how im going to say anything. who i’m gonna talk to first. If my dad is going to be okay. After talking with some friends I was recommended to tell my sister first.
To right now: I’m sitting here about 7 hours from when i found this out still scared and I don’t know how to drop this in my sister. what do i start the conversation with???? I’m fucking scared.

Bonjour. I will be just south of Paris for work in the middle of June for 2 weeks. I would like to travel somewhere over the weekend. Flights to Marseille, Toulon, Nice, or Bastia, Corsica are all direct and inexpensive options. My primary interests would be a beautiful beach (bright blue water) and places to run and hike. I also love good food and wine. I am an American female traveling alone, non-French speaking, and would prefer not to get a car. So also a town that’s very easy to get around by foot or public transport would be great. Appreciate any recommendations!!

Usually every 2 weeks I make a post going over my initial reactions to the newest episodes of DCAS as they come out. This time however, I decided to do something a little different and talk about my thoughts on the first half of the season and not just the newest episode, which I'll also bring up here. DCAS has a lot of potential to be the best Disventure Camp season yet, but is that potential being utilized to the fullest? In this post I'll go over a few main things that stick out to me as a viewer in the few last episodes and I think are worthy of bringing up for a discussion as the season moves forward.

PART 1 - THE CAST

I don't have any issues with the cast chosen at all. There are a few characters I wouldn't call All Stars myself (Ashley and Connor mainly) but I can see why they made the cut over characters like Dan or Rosa Maria (+ Karol, robbed queens and king 👑). The production staff being combined from both seasons we've had so far is nice and I especially enjoy the addition of Emily. Let's talk about what this cast does in the actual season so far.

PART 2 - THE PLOTS

The great cast we have is given barely anything to work with. The merge is the perfect example of it as out of the 10 contestants who did make it to the merge without the comeback only half of them are involved in an ongoing storyline. I'll get into that in a bit but first let's talk about the premergers: - I'll cut James and Lake the slack as they're the first 2 boots coming into the season with no plot. Cutting them early set things up nicely and spared us from them floating through the game for no reason, - Miriam is also spared as despite being the third boot, she still served a purpose, didn't overstay her welcome and did exactly what she needed to do, which was expose the villains alliance, - My issues start with Hunter's elimination. He gets no closure. He comes back for another season with Ally who he has relationship issues with and doesn't get to resolve them. The show acknowledges this with Ally saying she wishes they could've talked things out in episode 6 and yet, this went nowhere right as it was beginning to be interesting. He opens up to Tess about it and so does Ally through confessionals and whatnot but once again, it went nowhere. Aside from that Hunter bullies Fiore, which while entertaining, isn't much. He was definitely cut earlier than he should've been, - Connor is a support character to Riya and just like majority of support characters this season, fails to actually help the character he's supposed to grow. Unlike Hunter, he gets closure. He cuts Riya off, is unceremoniously voted out by the villains alliance, gives a little speech and leaves. This closure feels rushed because this plot lasts 6 episodes and spends 2 (episodes 4 & 5), which are 1/3 of its time, on pause, then ends in the next episode out of nowhere. What was even the point of bringing back Connor if the one plot he gets isn't even going to get a satisfying conclusion? I mean, him cutting off Riya is satisfying don't get me wrong, but the way it went down is rather disappointing. Why do you think he's a top contender for the comeback amongst the community? - Fiore also didn't do much. She wasn't going to make it far, we all knew it, and yet, she feels wasted despite those low hopes. The one thing she had going for her this season was to reconcile with Alec. That's what people wanted to see and the show built it up and hinted towards that being the case from E2-E6 but they never do. I know they're on different teams but we saw them sneaking off to talk to each other, why did they not reconcile then? Why did Alec not even care when she got voted off despite helping her stay in the game all this time? The problem with Fiore this season isn't that she went too early, its that they built up her story for 5 episodes only to forget about it, eliminate her unceremoniously and forget she even existed. She had one job and she didn't even do that. At least she was funny, I guess. (I just saw that one Fiore greeting lol, guess the Alec reconciliation ain't happening 😭), - Ellie... What a waste. I don't even like her all that much but MY GOD did they do her dirty. The first half of the season built up the Gabbellie angst only for it to go nowhere. Ellie's story was cut short right when it was beginning to be interesting. When we finally get to see more of Gabbellie and have a possibility of an Ellie redemption arc or her going full villain or whatever, she's out the same episode, that mind you, she's not even the main focus of. She had arguably the most potential going into the season and I knew she'd be a premerge boot, but damn, it still sucks to see her be so full of potential just waiting for her 5 minutes to shine and never get it, - The last premerger, Tess, comes into the season with the intention of being a support character for Hunter & Ally who are on the other team. Instead she screws Ellie over in a failed attempt at being a support character for the Gabbellie duo. Her voting off Ellie makes sense for her character but ultimately not only cut Ellie's plot early but also justified Ellie's distrust in people. She's always sticking her nose in everyone's business in an attempt to help them out without knowing the full picture and ending up making things worse in the long run. I'm so glad Gabby called her out on it in episode 9 and didn't take every word spewed her way as gospel like everyone else. She was boring all season long and once again, like other premergers, she's eliminated in the same episode she starts to get interesting. I'm not sad that Tess is gone but she still could've done more interesting stuff with her screen time.
Now onto the production staff and merge cast: - Nina, Marcus and Oliver basically don't exist, - Trevor, Derek and Krystal also don't get much focus aside from the sidelined love triangle, - Emily got fired by both Yul and Krystal. I'm really interested in seeing how her plot goes and I hope she doesn't get sidelined or straight up forgotten, - Alec hasn't done anything since episode 4 and his story with Fiore was cut short for no reason when it could've been so easily resolved with a simple conversation, - Riya hasn't done anything at all other than be funny and give us glimpses of a redemption arc, which once again, is getting cut short for no reason, - Grett is getting fat shamed each episode by Yul and does nothing or talk with anyone outside of it, - Yul bullies Grett and is comedic relief which actually works. He's the best character this season so far as he does his job well without hinting at more then not delivering, - Gabby became relevant at all only 2 episodes ago so I won't be too harsh on her as she finally has something going on, - I can't stand Aiden. Episodes 7 & 10 were nearly as low of a point for him as S2E9. He actively takes away screen time with a plot he's completely unnecessary to at this point and is extremely annoying while he's at it. Is he supposed to be Tom's support character or something? If so, then he's not doing a good job and is ruining his own character by being associated with Tom. I don't know wtf they're doing with the entire love triangle trio and it includes the hypocritical skunk over here as well, - Tom outside of his exhausting plot with Jake has nothing. He does nothing this season to distract you from how awful he is at handling basically anything and it's so tiring to watch, - Jake is the main character and he's surely something. Is he carrying the season in the entertainment department? Yes, and am I happy to see him have more focus? Yes, but it's WAY too much. He has his bs with Tom (Im praying they dont get back together) and rivalry with Ally so he at least has plot so I can't complain too much about him. I do have to say tho, even as the biggest Jake stan and defender out there, I'm getting exhausted. Give him a breather episode or 2 and focus on someone else. The direction they're taking his character is extremely confusing as well but that's conversation for another day, - Ally was sidelined so hard after episode 6 it makes me sad. She was my favorite in the first 6 episodes and has so much potential that's not being utilized at all, - Ashley did nothing but pretend to give Jake good advice without ever actually helping him. Don't even get me started on her "revenge" on Fiore. That was so unsatisfying and she celebrated like she just defeated the devil with her bare hands as if Fiore wasn't in the worst position on the team since the beginning. She did basically nothing with twice as many episodes here than the 5 she got in season 1.
Let me do some math here. There's 25 characters and out of those: - 5 have no plots at all/dont exist (James, Lake, Oliver, Marcus, Nina) - 5 are support characters with nothing going on for themselves (Ashley, Tess, Connor, Aiden, Krystal) - 1 was a plot device (Miriam) - 7 have their plots either put on pause or cut short with no satisfying resolution (Alec, Fiore, Riya, Hunter, Ally, Ellie, Derek)
That leaves us with Emily, Trevor, Gabby, Grett, Yul, Jake & Tom being involved in plots that are actually making any progress, and said progress is slow as all hell. Do we need to see Grett be bullied for 7 episodes straight and just take it without standing up for herself? Surely this could've been wrapped up without dragging it out or at the very least bring something new to the table. It's the same thing over and over each episode.

PART 3 - THE EPISODES ARE REPETITIVE

Now that I mentioned it, I might as well expand. I noticed the episodes follow a certain formula: - Around 7 minutes of pre-challange character interactions we've seen multiple times already with rarely adding anything new to them, - A bit of trauma dumping from a few characters, - Production staff scene lasting around 2 minutes, - A boring and very quick challenge portion not even focused on the challenge, - Pre elimination scene where the big thing of the episode happens, - Elimination ceremony.
I know that's the show's format but switch it up a little! Have some fun with it! Give me a twist! A team swap, auto elimination, Jensen coming back from the dead, different locations, a gimmick shaking up the challenge, immunity idols, ANYTHING to keep it fresh and exciting. Watching 9 episodes going this exact same way gets repetitive.
The actual challenges themselves are something I want to see be more creative in general. The singing episode was a ton of fun, the triathlon was cool and even the first 2 challenges were fun because we got to see new stuff like animals and an underwater episode. But the recent challenges have been lackluster. We got pushing big beautiful balls down a hill, walking around a fake spaceship, slip and slide basketball and plain paintball. In episode 10 they just walk around and argue. The challenge is completely sidelined and for what?? There isn't even a spin to this one, it's literally just paintball. At least in S1 it was combined with capture the flag and there were more people to make it more chaotic but here? What a bore.

PART 4 - THE PACING

Adding to the bore is the pacing of the few plots that we do get to see actually move at all. Tom & Jake could've easily been wrapping up their bs by now, Grett & Yul also could've wrapped it up premerge and... That's basically it because those are the 2 plots consistently and actively getting any room to be explored leaving little screen time for the others.
Why were the Riya and Connor, Huntally or Gabbellie plots rushed but Jam and YulREGrett are allowed to go on for forever without making any progress? Literally only Jake is undergoing any sort of development out of the 4 and his narrative is all over the place making it hard to even get invested in his story if you're not already a die hard fan. It seems like the show itself doesn't know whether he should be seen as the one in the right or not in the entire love triangle and keeps flip-floping between wanting the audience to like & despise him. Same with Tom but I asked this question on another (flop) post. Gretts development is also taking forever and we all know Yul ain't changing.

PART 5 - OUTRO

I'm sorry if this came out way more negative than I intended it to be but I wanted to get my feelings about this out as it does make me a little worried for the rest of the season. It's not even that it's bad, far from it, I think it has potential to be the best DC season yet, but with the last 3 episodes (excluding episode 9) the season is losing its momentum. I'm hoping the quality picks up again and the second half ends up being amazing. Please don't crucify me for this lol. My opinion isn't important and I'm still enjoying the season quite a bit but certainly see ways it could feel more complete. Can't wait to watch the rest of it!
This is a repost because I made some embarrassing mistakes I needed to fix lmao.

Greetings,
I would like to share my story, as it seems many are unaware of insecurities and how deeply impact our relationships and eventually our mental health.
I have met a very beautiful girl through dating app and i was fell in love from the very first sight. I was so excited of having such a beautiful girl, and as i know she was excited too. We loved eachother with all heart. She was my girl of my life! Our sex life was more than great, too much passion and for the very first time, i never got bored even after one year of daily sex. It lasted one year!
We started having a lot of time together, although there were some initial signs, which then i found them flattering but in the run, they were devastating:
1)In a party with my friends, i have asked to come with her friends. While she was on the party she got mad, because my friends were dancing with other girls than their wives, so she got offended. She left the party and i was like wtf! From that moment and every meet with my friends, she was not talking to them, and she was accusing them to me, of being unfaithful and not moral ones. I was always saying to her, that i dont care what other people do in their lives, i just only care about her!
2)When we were out together she was always thinking that i stare to other girls, which i never did the way she thought, if i was staring. I explained her, that i may look to anyone who is passing in front of me, even if he is a male or female, ugly or beautiful, tall or short and im not doing that because i dont care about her or i leave her for the stranger that passes by. This was a common reaction of her, every time we went out!
3)I once got her an expensive present for her birthday, which took me about a month trying to find and buy it. Once i gave it to her, she refused to accept it because it was too expensive as she said and also told me that i took that present for her so as to sexually exploit her!
4)She was checking my facebook account and got mad, when i Loved a photo of a female friend of mine. She told me that she didnt want to like or love any photo because in her code if she loves a photo it means that you like erotic someone a lot. I respected that although i explained that she was always a friend and i never loved any photo of anyone. Guess what... she was loving facebook photos of men and her ex and when i told her about it she got mad again trying to underestimate it.
5)she even was jealous of her dog because she thought that dog loved me more than her which it didnt. Also she told me that even a plants leaves were towards me because it liked me!!
I could write so many similar incidents but would take too much time. Point is that i think she had insecurities leading to overthinking and getting to negative oriented results only
In the first days, i was jealous too but not overeacting like above. She like to dance latin and almost twice per week was going to parties where she could dance like with 10 guys in a night. I once went to see her and i couldnt handle the sight, so i told her that i dont want to go out with her in such parties. I never asked her to stop dancing, and after 2months i wasnt even jealous about it, as it made her happy and i was happy too.
Also the part that i do think that i was absolutely wrong was the incident which i was so wrong. All the above incidents were before the incident i describe downwards
I had an ex girlfriend, 10 years ago, which lasted our relationship for like a year and she was still communicating with me. She told me that she had cancer and needed my advice and help as she had no other to ask help for. We met and i told her that everything would be ok and she shouldnt be afraid as she was young and she could overcome it.
I told my girlfriend that i have a friend with cancer and she needed my help BUT i never told her that she was my ex like 10 years ago, because i didnt want any tension to arise. Also i dint tell my ex that i was in a relationship. I thought ill make her sad although I admit that this was my very bad mistake and i shouldnt have lied (white lied?) to my girlfriend and her. I knwo it looks like that i wanted to have contact with both, but im the one who can tell trully if that was the issue. I only wanted my girlfriend. My girlfriend eventually sniped my phone, when i have told her that she loved a facebook photo of his ex, and she learned that she was an ex that was also trying to get me back. She also read that i never in these texts i was even a bit emotionally with my ex, i was trying only to comfort her with her illness. She was accusing me i was cheating her
The day she sniped my phone, was when i told her that i would like to have family with her and keep the baby as she was pregnant 4 weeks. She told me that it was the happiest day of her life and then sniped. That made her mad. She started sending me youtube videos that our baby has a lot chances being born with problems and i was so badly mentally abused. I told her that the decision to keep or not the baby will be respected and supported whatever it was. After a week she decided not to have the baby and eventually after 2 months we broke up. All this time we tried even with a councelor to overcome this but with no luck.
I was devastated and started to search info to explain what happened
She told me that she dont want to experience ever smth similar and to have no contact at all.
8 months later i still think of her every single day and for many hours/day, i tried two times to talk to her again with no response.
She also told me that i need a psychologist because i always stare at women etc..
I started doubting about me but i made a lot of research and learned about anxiety attachement style and insecurities with or without projection.
Im not sure if insecurities can be treated. I do although love her and wish her the best in her life! I wish she could find a guy who will be better than me and make her feel safe! I wish i could have helped her better! I know im not perfect but a decent guy...

“So, how much?”
I didn’t know Charles well, but well enough to guess that the grizzled hog farmer was a talented salesman. ‘No lowballs,’ I imagined him drawling, waggling his finger, and speaking over his exceptionally jutting chin.
“Three-hundred fifty for the land, the pen, and the house,” the man said. He spat, hard, and the tobacco-black phlegm stuck to the side of the fence post and slowly ran down the side in three rivulets.
“Then another twenty grand for the hogs. Two-hundred thirty-three of ‘em, not a large passel. Price of swine is goin’ up, I’ll tell you, so t’s the best I can give you for what you’s gettin’.”
I had expected to hand him even more money. Charles and his wife had a small operation, but big enough to matter, with a beautiful two-story farmhouse to accompany it nicely. I wasn’t getting a better deal anywhere else. At least not anywhere I wanted to be. I’d longed to live as a farmer in Tennessee ever since my family’s entire property burned to the ground back in the fall of ‘68. It was dry, and we’d just fertilized after the harvest.
Not a living thing was left untouched by the flames, not even my father, who ran back to get the horses after the barn shot up with a pillar of fire. We never found his body. Or maybe we did, but the charred dust of the barn, the corn, and the animals we called our lives and the blackened remains of the man that was my world were all reduced to ashes in the end. And when the wind came, they all blew away just the same, forever to leave me, my two sisters, and my mother behind.
I held out my hand to Charles and we shook on it.
It wasn’t the life I envisioned for myself. Not when I got my engineering degree from Georgia Tech. Not when I began work at a small engineering firm. Not even when I saw the hog farm for sale less than an hour from my house did I realize that was the world I lost that I needed back. My wife didn’t care; in fact, it brought her work commute down to forty minutes from an hour ten.
After we moved there and I began consulting part-time to make allowance for the time I needed to spend raising the hogs, caring for the land, and tending to my now-pregnant wife, the fulfillment I sought seemed that much closer. But only that. Closer, yet still out of the reach of my yearning clutches. It wasn’t until two years after I bought the farm, almost to the day, that the chips seemed to fall on my side with her.
“Micah?”
Jackie was calling from the cubicle over. Then I heard footsteps coming towards my own office space.
“Hey, yeah, did you finish the drainage plans for the floodplain you were working on? If so, I’d happily review and sign off on them.”
Jackie had come here a couple of years after I did. She was an intern at first, and everybody loved her cheery smile and sharp intellect, so she was hired on after she finished her degree. The youngest of our crew, she lived by herself in an apartment, but her lack of experience didn’t keep her from coolly sharing her opinion on matters of work when she knew she was right. And she was always right.
Jackie had always taken a liking to me in a way she didn’t seem to show toward the others. I never became sure of why she did, but I had my suspicions. Trauma and mystique go hand in hand. Maybe she saw me as broken in the same way she saw herself. After all, it didn’t take a psychologist to tell Jackie had her own skeletons in her closet. She just had that aura, the one that neglected children and broken adults share with each other. Nobody knew what life she walked out of and nobody cared. She did her job, and that was all the company cared for. But not me.
I turned away from my computer screen towards the opening of my cubicle and she was there, half silhouetted by the light behind her, staring me in the eye. Jackie trailed a finger down the edge of the cubicle wall, her mouth open barely enough for me to see her tongue flit deftly over her perfectly-aligned incisors. Ignoring my question, she continued.
“Your wife, I take it?”
She gestured with an outstretched palm toward the wedding photo I had framed on my desk.
“Yeah. Hard to believe we’ll be a family of three soon. Ha!”
I chuckled, nervously. Slightly excitedly, too. I can’t tell if Jackie knew that the latter was for what I knew was coming rather than what I had already said, but I don’t think she would have cared one way or the other.
“Say, she must be lonely waiting for you at home? I know that feeling. Being lonely.”
She took a step towards me and I glanced down at my feet. Looking back, it felt like an eternity, that looking down, that knowing what was happening and making a decision. It was a choice. And while it felt like it stretched for minutes, hours, I knew it was but a moment. Yet it only took a moment to make my descent into sin.
“I know it too. Well. Too well. She’s on a business trip - a long one. Say, I raise hogs. Prize swine, there’s good money in them. What’d you say about coming to see my farm sometime?”
It had been two hours since Jackie had left the farmhouse and was almost one-thirty in the morning, yet I wasn’t tired. According to my doctor, I have insomnia. According to my mother, I have “bad juju.” According to myself, well, I guess I just don’t feel like sleep is worth the trouble sometimes. That night, though, I didn’t sleep at all until the sun shone through my window in the early hours of the morning.
Living among swine never gave me a lot of grief before then. Some people hated the stench - my wife among them - but the manure never bothered me, and, come to find out, it didn’t bother Jackie, either. I would have asked if she had been on a farm as a child, but her demeanor and attitude told me that she wasn’t interested in the slightest in my life and that I shouldn’t be in hers, either. I suppose I wasn’t - not in the one outside of our affair, at least.
But that night, when the stars were out and shining like eyes in a limitless black sea, and when the wind rustled through the trees, a gigantic army moving across the land like a plague towards destinations unseen, I started to feel bothered in a way I never had before.
I had been sitting on the back porch in view of the pig pens after having just finished the chores. I knew I wasn’t drunk, I was only on my second beer, but sitting outside, half-empty bottle in hand, I suddenly wished I could be completely wasted. I’d never been one to believe in those types of things that you can’t touch with your hand or see with your eyes. The hair stood up on my arms and the taste of metal lapped my tongue as if a storm was coming. No, I didn’t believe in the things you couldn’t really feel, but I could sure as hell feel something now.
Unsettled, I was turning around to go get another beer before something caught my eye in the pig pen that made me glance over.
All of the pigs visible from this side of the house could be seen, through the metal fencing, staring in my direction. The ones who were blocked by the lumpy bodies of the other swine stood on the hind ends of the others to see. With their combined mass, the pigs strained the metal of the pen stalls until each stall’s fencing bulged out in the middle where the weight was distributed.
Most unique of all was the unanimous behavior of the swine. Not one fell out of sync. Each one, eyes glowing like headlights in the dark, bodies silhouetted against the light of the moon, was without noise or disturbance. Once all of the pigs were in position, they all stayed ominously still.
As I watched, one by one, hundreds of eyes closed, and a wave of darkness spread over the pen as no more eyes were open to reflect the light. I swore for a moment that the stars did too and that the world around me plunged into complete darkness, but I cannot be for certain, because at that same moment, I involuntarily blinked.
I say involuntarily because, frozen in place, the scene was too strange for me to willingly turn away from. I do not know if the same force that caused the swine to flicker their eyes caused me to do the same, perhaps a gust of wind - or of something less tangible - but upon opening them, the pigs had returned to their discord, with several having already gone to sleep. Deeply disturbed, I went inside the house and drank until the morning came and I finally found sleep.
My wife returned from her trip soon enough and without much ado upon her arrival. For the next month or so, the two of us were together, and our lives were lived without significant discord. None that she knew about, anyway. I never told her about Jackie and I certainly didn’t mention the times I saw my coworker after my wife returned, either. And while I did float an innocent question to her asking if she had noticed any of the hogs’ strange behavior, I didn’t enlighten her as to the motivation for my interrogative manner. She never appreciated being in the company of swine as it was, and turning her disdain into disgust wasn’t on my agenda.
Almost as abruptly as she had returned, my wife left, again, to be gone for the next week and a half on another trip. Probably best for her, too, because the hottest days of the year hit western Tennessee when she wasn’t there to experience them. And no sooner had she gone than Jackie resumed her nightly visits to the farm. Each time, she showed up without much notice, if any at all, and left just as abruptly.
Funnily enough, I didn’t care much. I felt no more and no less empty after she left than when she was here. So after I spent my days with my eyes on my screen and my nose in my boss’s ass, I spent my nights staring up through the bottoms of bone-dry bottles, faintly wondering if the path I walked down could’ve been just a little warmer or just a little brighter if things were different.
In spite of my catering towards my boss’s every wish at the office, he didn’t return the good-will in kind.
“What do you mean you’re asking for a raise?”
I swallowed and continued.
“I mean that it’s been five years, Glenn. I simply asked that my pay might increase to match inflation.”
My boss folded his hands across his desk and sighed. Pulling a handkerchief from his pocket, he dabbed at a couple of beads of sweat running down from his brow. We were in the heat of summer, and the air hung thick and humid around us. The office had air conditioning, but the unit was old, and the fan whistling away in the corner didn’t do much good against the record-breaking heat pressing in around us.
“I’m sorry, Micah. It’s just that you’re consulting, now, and… I can’t afford you those kinds of benefits-”
“What do you mean benefits? I’ve been here long enough I’m owed at least that, Glenn! What the fuck do you think I’m still here for? Pot lucks?”
That was the first time I had lost my temper at my boss; at least, the first time since he ripped up one of my drafts for a project several years back. That had been a long day for both of us. Now, Glenn sat back and scowled ever so slightly, and only for a brief moment, an indication that his inhibitions keeping his attitude in check were wearing thin. Nonetheless, he put on a smile, and chuckled coldly.
“Micah, look- you always were my right hand man, but you’re here so little now. One could say you’re more like my right thumb man, now.”
That was a long day too. The heat didn’t help. Somehow some bugs got into the office. Somebody probably left a door open to quash the heat, fruitlessly.
No wonder the AC’s shot, I thought to myself.
By the time it was the hour for me to leave, there were moths flitting around the lights, flies eating the stale food in the cafe, gnats alighting on every exposed surface in the office- insects were everywhere. I figured that door must have been left open most of the day.
Gotta be pretty stupid bugs, if this is where they want to be.
The time came for me to leave and I did so without a fuss. As little as I could manage, anyway. I took time to complete some errands and returned home, only to realize the heat wasn’t much less oppressive there than it was at the office, even if there weren’t any insects. If anything, it felt oddly empty without them, even after Jackie showed up. The rest of that evening was a blur of empty bottles and used cigarette butts littering the porch.
At some point — two in the morning, three, it didn’t matter — I was pulled out of my drunken slumber and forced into sobriety by a noise I could no more determine the source of than what I had eaten for dinner a year ago from the day. I sat up with a jolt and listened, suddenly feeling the hairs on the back of my neck stand on end.
The sound, if it could be called that, was discordant, unnatural, wrong — and yet, I couldn’t remember another thing about it. It wasn’t a sound heard through your ears, a vibration in your skin, nor even a sensation of one’s physical brain; it was a thought processed through one’s sleeping soul, something that certainly cannot be described with words without diminishing the weightiness placed; without negating, in full, the sense of abject horror at its state of being.
I had sat atop that precipice between reality and unreality; sleep, the abyss, where devils absently play amongst the nightmares of men. I told myself it was just that, a dream, but I know now that the place I was and the places I was soon to go were gateways between the waking world and the one beneath it. Before I had time to process what I had just felt, I heard another sound, this one very much real, and resembling a dying animal. Slowly, I made my way out of my crumpled bed and opened the blinds. I almost wished, upon doing so, that I was back on the precipice.
Thirteen of the hogs stood in a circle on the lawn; how they had gotten out, I don’t know. Each stood perfectly still, equidistant from the next, and faced a quivering shadow in the middle of them all. I could make out faint features: a scraggly beard, a bottle- whether the man was a hiker or a drunk, I couldn’t tell. Nonetheless, he had wound up on my property, and found himself caught in a circle of pigs.
I watched the man’s motions and noted with rising horror that as he walked in one direction, the circle of pigs shifted to keep him at the center of the ring, and all the while they drew nearer to him. The man was clearly intoxicated now; it was almost half a minute before he stumbled, fell, and no sooner squelched in the dirt than thirteen squeals rang through the night and the animals blotted out his body from sight with their unified mass.
The man let out one scream but could manage no more than one. The ring was a blur of motion. I saw little but I saw enough; one pig reared its glistening head and I watched part of a scalp fly from its gaping mouth, arcing dark liquid as it trailed across the yard. Another couple chunks of meat rolled away from the pile and reached a stop several feet away in the yard; once the pigs were through with their feast, they broke off from the previous site, now nothing but a red stain on the earth, and gobbled up the pieces that had got away.
It took me the next four hours to get the pigs back into their pen, but I managed it. And, none had to be shot in the process, though I surmised I should come with a gun readied. A cleanup wasn’t necessary either; it was a hog farm, so it’d be getting dirty again soon. I considered another individual might find the stain, but there was no proof it was human blood, and I had no intention of calling the police out there.
That morning, my boss was late to work. I suppose that’s to be expected, though, when one has had their tires slashed. He was livid, and I didn’t correct his supposition that his ex-wife had committed the act, though I’m sure he would have loved another reason to fire me. After all, I was nothing more than a right thumb man.
The day had gone quicker and cooler than the former, and the low droning of the rain made the day seem just a little less lonely. Of course, I was slated to see Jackie that night, and after lunch I had left work, gone off to purchase more drinks from the local liquor store. I remember having gotten enough to fill the passenger seat of my truck, and felt almost as if the pile of liquor was a singular being, watching me; the silently judgemental friend. I had a twinge of anxiety, and half wondered if I was going insane; at that, I laughed.
The air was cool when Jackie got there. My mother always used to call that the first breath of autumn, when the reaper opened his eyes and cooed softly to his crop before the inferno was snuffed out by the frigid winter. As a child, I didn’t pay much attention to her words, but as I grew older I felt the cold in my bones, and tonight I felt it in my soul, a faint whisper of death like the mark of the beast. I watched Jackie’s hair whip to the side, a black flag in the wind, as she approached the house. On the doorstep, we embraced, and I recall she said she needed to talk.
“You’re an awfully successful man, Micah. And I know you’ve got a lot of money. Maybe you’re not wealthy, no, but you’re richer than me, and there’s enough to go around. It’d be a damn shame if your poor wife found out about me. No, I haven’t said a thing yet, and I know you know that, for the poor thing couldn’t take the stress and might just die. But I could say a thing, and maybe even a little more. And a nasty thing it’d be, too. I’d just ask for $1,000 a month, but times are tough, so I’m inclined to say $2,000 would be enough to keep my mouth shut. And, of course, we could continue seeing each other. . . if you’d so please.”
Some say they see red when they’re angry enough, but I still remember how I saw even less; the next five minutes of my life were no clearer to me than several brief glimpses of reality, interspersed by periods of unreality before the next glimpse. A scream, and then another. The thought: she’s got a knife. A bone snapped: mine, hers, it didn’t matter. Blood; spattered on the carpet, on my shirt, and the drip-drip of a glistening red globe, smashed in through the side like a cracked egg. I remember the silence before the adrenaline eased and I felt pain, and I remember the pain before the squelch when I issued one last kick to the body, lying on the ground.
It had been time for me to feed the pigs. Jackie usually helped me with the feeding when she came over, always with a coy look, and often it was short lived and I needed to finish the job on my own after she left. I was betting that she could help me again. Hoisting her up onto my shoulder wasn’t difficult, though I supposed she was lighter than usual. I stooped to pick up the last few pieces that didn’t come with the rest of her and took the two of us to our yard.
The part of the brain we, as people, already understand cannot possibly encompass every sensation which we, as people, feel. Scientifically, maybe- but that feeling that makes dogs bark at empty rooms; that makes cats stare into walls before jumping away, frightened; that feeling exists in humans, too. Call it a sixth sense, or ESP, it’s there, and I felt it when carrying Jackie. The birds had stopped calling, the trees had ceased rustling, and a low, droning buzz resounded outside the pig pen. It rose in volume and pitch, and as I dropped Jackie’s lifeless corpse onto the ground, it blocked entirely the noise of the world around me.
I didn’t even hear the thump. Nor did I hear the pigs, for it wasn’t until I looked up from her body, panting heavily from the effort of what had transpired, that I saw that we stood on the fringe of a gathering of the pigs. I couldn’t see if any remained in the pen, but I could see that at least a hundred gathered here outside the pen, all staring at me with glassy eyes and salivating mouths. Some stood on the haunches of the others to see, and many were covered in blood, having been left uncleaned since the events of the previous night. Even through the foggy daze I was in, my fear registered on a guttural level and, in horror at the unreality of what I was seeing, I backpedaled, eventually tripping over a rut in the earth and falling to the ground.
The next moment, each of the pigs had turned to look at what was left of Jackie. For a couple of seconds, they stared at her, and I realized that the droning in my ears had stopped, replaced with nothing but an ominous silence. That silence was short lived, for in one, unanimous, ear-splitting squeal, the pigs raced each other to the body, and carnage ensued.
The hogs in front no sooner reached the body than were ripped apart by the pigs behind them. Huge flaps of fatty skin hung in ribbons from the napes of their necks and blood sprayed in all directions as necks, limbs, tails, and extremities were mangled with the reckless abandon of a pack of wild dogs. I suppose that’s what they were; even if I treated them like domesticated creatures, they were animals, and they were out of the control of any constraints that civilization wanted to place on them.
The mass of flesh moved rhythmically and dripping bodies were flung like oversized rag dolls from the fray to land wetly and lifelessly on the earth. Occasionally, I would hear a crunch as bones were rent and snapped under the pressure of the fray, and squeals as the broken limbs stabbed through the fleshy bodies of the animals atop them. Hooves, teeth, and bones carved the flesh of the other pigs, and while blood and feces sprayed freely, chunks of gore rolled out of the fray like meaty baseballs.
The pleasant temperature drop had undone itself, as the wind had stopped blowing, and the stench of the scene hung thick in the hot and heavy air of late summer. I vomited, over and over, bent over in the shit and the blood, eyes watering from the smell, and blood dripped from everywhere on my body. It ran off my body in rivulets and pooled around my feet. Some was mine, but more was Jackie’s, and more yet was the remains of the pigs. Blood dripped from my mouth onto the dirt, and I could no longer tell if I was looking up towards the cruel stars, down at the earth, or witnessing the slaughter before me, for my sight was veiled by a coating of blood, and my senses were clouded by the rush of adrenaline, though I could do nothing but sit in shock.
Breathe.
A chunk of meat smacked me in the shoulder.
Breathe.
An ear bounced off of my forehead.
Breathe.
An opened artery sprayed blood across my face in a line.
Breathe.
My eyes recognized four pigs on the fringe of the conflict abandoning their course for what was left of Jackie and I saw turn to me, each foaming at the mouth like a rabid animal. I saw two get ripped away by two other pigs, but the remaining couple charged. The one that reached me first clamped its maw around my leg not a moment before the next reached it, bit into its neck, and thrashed it back and forth.
I couldn’t hear my own screams above the countless squeals of the hog pile and the constant wet ripping that resounded through the dark sky. Eventually, the pig that had bit me gave out with a squeal, but not before the lower half of my leg was snapped with one, final pull, and the pig behind then buried its face in the body of the dying hog before being dragged back into the conflict by another. I failed to even hear my cries of pain over the sounds of the fray; I knew I screamed only from the burning in my throat.
Breathe.
A second later, I was thrown by the arm and crashed against the soggy earth several feet away from the conflict. For a moment, I wondered if I was alive, or if the world I was seeing around me was really Hell, and I was a damned soul being punished for my sins. At that, I blacked out, and entered a timeless, dreamless slumber that sent the world back into the buzzing mayhem I had felt before the carnage.
I opened my eyes some brief time later to find that the buzzing persisted in my ears while awake. Perspiring heavily from the heat, I found I was lying on my back on the ground, facing the burning remains of my house. The buzzing was really the rush of flames lapping at the sky and the crackling of embers as the roaring fire pulled them out of sight.
“Swine,”
The voice, which rang impossibly clear in the noise of the night, above the roar of the inferno and the sounds of the approaching sirens, had come from but a few feet behind the back of my moist head. Even after all that had transpired, the word made my hair stand on end, for it was spoken with a voice that could snuff out the stars if it were to say that they ought to stop shining.
I turned my head to face behind me, groaning sharply from the pain, to see a man atop a mountain of hundreds of mutilated hogs. The pile ran with a constant stream of blood and feces, which dripped slowly over the terraced stack of corpses to form a small lake underneath, the edge of which lapped my face with miniature waves of gore.
“. . . they never learn.”
Then, the man smiled, and I realized with horror that his legs resembled those of ruminants.
And atop his head rested two ebony horns, glistening in the moonlight.

Hello! I'm doing my first half marathon Sunday! We have had beautiful weather for the past 3 weeks. Of course Sunday will be first day of heavy rain. Any tips for someone that have never run in rain? Anything to think about? Any hear that may be helpful?

A good hard working day it felt like. There were a few customers that were a lot to deal with. Almost too much it felt but I still love helping the customers. Seeing people be happy about getting their food is nice. Most customers are nice but some can be real hard to deal with at times. My boss also recommended not saying miss or sir after my other boss recommended not saying boss the week previous. So I'm not really sure how to address people anymore. Is the answer to not even really say anything to them but a simple hello. It seems weird giving a title and trying to be friendly and formal. Does anybody have any recommendations in that department?
Today was a good eating day full of mostly salads and water. I'm trying to avoid things with caffeine too because I'm not sure if it's making me feel better but I have been feeling better the way I have been doing all this. I feel good with where I'm at and evolving. I'm not going to just abolish sugary drinks and things I love drinking but tampering it down is so nice. The one I've never done is drink alcohol. I have never felt that desire. I watched my parents with their addictive personalities and watched them take advantage of it. I know that with the way I've felt over the years and how alcohol makes people feel that I would probably love to drink. I don't want to get into that habit. I thought about one day making mead but that's far down the line and doesn't concern me now. It also helps me to save some money in that department.
I keep walking when I can and feeling great about it. I've not been getting sore which I'm not sure is a good or a bad thing. How often is it good for your body to be sore after a workout? Does the soreness tell you you are working hard and building new muscles. I'm still new to all this so I wonder what I want and need for my body. All I know is I wish for it to be healthy. I'll need to change up the routine or try more. I wonder who I can talk to or where I can read on what to do. The only problem is the Internet feels so overwhelming with its gazillions of ideas. No one answer is the right answer and I feel like people give up because of that. Every body is unique. Every mind is wired differently. Every soul is formed weirdly. We as people can be predictable but are constantly so different all in one. Maybe I just need to keep doing and failing until I know what's right for me.
SBIST was a bunny when I started my walk. A beautiful little animal just living its best life made me smile. It seemed like a good way to start my 40ish minute walk. A good omen to a good time. I sweat and I sweat in this weather but allow the breeze and the chirping of the birds to feel better. It's cool to see the world have such harmony at times. How the sun beats down on us with its rays but the winds cool us. Or how the water can stop us but oxygen can reinvigorate us. It's almost like an ebb and flow to the world. One takes and another gives. Now I just need to do that for my health.
My goal tomorrow is no goal. I want to see how much I can accomplish and how it goes. I will sign off there my conjurers of the veins that give us life. May you lead to an artery and supply the body beautifully.

A good hard working day it felt like. There were a few customers that were a lot to deal with. Almost too much it felt but I still love helping the customers. Seeing people be happy about getting their food is nice. Most customers are nice but some can be real hard to deal with at times. My boss also recommended not saying miss or sir after my other boss recommended not saying boss the week previous. So I'm not really sure how to address people anymore. Is the answer to not even really say anything to them but a simple hello. It seems weird giving a title and trying to be friendly and formal. Does anybody have any recommendations in that department?
Today was a good eating day full of mostly salads and water. I'm trying to avoid things with caffeine too because I'm not sure if it's making me feel better but I have been feeling better the way I have been doing all this. I feel good with where I'm at and evolving. I'm not going to just abolish sugary drinks and things I love drinking but tampering it down is so nice. The one I've never done is drink alcohol. I have never felt that desire. I watched my parents with their addictive personalities and watched them take advantage of it. I know that with the way I've felt over the years and how alcohol makes people feel that I would probably love to drink. I don't want to get into that habit. I thought about one day making mead but that's far down the line and doesn't concern me now. It also helps me to save some money in that department.
I keep walking when I can and feeling great about it. I've not been getting sore which I'm not sure is a good or a bad thing. How often is it good for your body to be sore after a workout? Does the soreness tell you you are working hard and building new muscles. I'm still new to all this so I wonder what I want and need for my body. All I know is I wish for it to be healthy. I'll need to change up the routine or try more. I wonder who I can talk to or where I can read on what to do. The only problem is the Internet feels so overwhelming with its gazillions of ideas. No one answer is the right answer and I feel like people give up because of that. Every body is unique. Every mind is wired differently. Every soul is formed weirdly. We as people can be predictable but are constantly so different all in one. Maybe I just need to keep doing and failing until I know what's right for me.
SBIST was a bunny when I started my walk. A beautiful little animal just living its best life made me smile. It seemed like a good way to start my 40ish minute walk. A good omen to a good time. I sweat and I sweat in this weather but allow the breeze and the chirping of the birds to feel better. It's cool to see the world have such harmony at times. How the sun beats down on us with its rays but the winds cool us. Or how the water can stop us but oxygen can reinvigorate us. It's almost like an ebb and flow to the world. One takes and another gives. Now I just need to do that for my health.
My goal tomorrow is no goal. I want to see how much I can accomplish and how it goes. I will sign off there my conjurers of the veins that give us life. May you lead to an artery and supply the body beautifully.

… yeah I know the title can be understood in different ways. Make what you want with this post.
Beautiful country
Every small village got a 6-23 o’clock supermarket open 7 days a week
Milk and eggs in the refrigerator
Big selection of gluten free products
Beautiful nature.
The Scandinavian type can indeed be extremely beautiful or handsome.
Outdoor clothing everywhere. So many cool local brands. Also great deals.
Peppes Pizza - why is it so successful? And why is it everywhere?
Self service free tap water everywhere - that’s great!
Fabric softener comes in tetra packs, never seen that before
The summer season is only 2-3 months. Outside of that touristic infrastructure is challenging
Norwegians can be overweight and wear outdoor clothes and do sport. And it’s normal.
Above 20 degrees many people jogging/riding bikes/summer skiing take off their shirts and dress absolutely minimalistic.
You can pay everywhere by card but often not contactless.
Paid parking garages don’t have a barrier, you can pay online within 48 hours after leaving the lot
Cool windows
Supermarkets got a strong focus on Scandinavian products and brands
I love those huge public trash containers
Nearly all staff I have met (restaurants, cafes, supermarkets, clothing stores) are men and women below 30

If you’re near max caps and don’t want people buying from you, I personally consider it a good idea to just straight up store your vendor. It’s what I do so people don’t need to waste time and travel caps. And if you’re just going to block access to it make sure your CAMP structure doesn’t have panels with open windows and a Symptomatic right next to it.
I’d been hovering around max caps for over a week looking to spend and not finding much worth buying. Stumbled across a camp advertising a vendor with a bunch of stuff according to the map screen. Show up and the vendor has been blocked off. Bummer. Then I notice on a second floor there’s an open window with a Symptomatic right there. Queue the jet pack and a sudden need to cure a disease.
And there it was. Enclave aligned flamer mod for 30k. Perfect way to clear out my caps. And I’d say a fair price. I feel somewhat bad if I might have put them over. They didn’t immediately (or even shortly after) move their camp so I’m guessing not.
But now I have cap room to put my own vendor back on display and vault dwellers can once again partake of all the rarer plans and decent weapons taking up my stash space.
Happy bargain hunting to all.

Hey guys, finally getting around to sharing my home birth story almost one month pp with my second baby boy. It was first home birth and I found some relief from the anxiety of doing a home birth by some of you guys sharing your birth story so I thought I’d do the same!
I gave birth at 40 weeks and 2 days. I did the castor oil method (with my midwives approval) after trying other things to induce labor (membrane sweep, curb walking, sex, spicy foods, etc). It was something I wanted to do since I had bad back pain and was super uncomfortable. I had a smoothie with the castor oil in it around 9am and threw up around 11am after throwing up I was having slight contractions. I was having inconsistent contractions for the remainder of the day. As the evening rolled around the contractions became stronger, but still were inconsistent. My doula came over around 9pm to help me get in some positions to help progress labor. Around 11pm I was in active labor and the midwives were on their way to my house since I was having some pushing sensations. Around midnight the midwives asked me to go pee to help progress labor even more. After using the restroom and attempting to walk back to the bedroom I had a huge contraction and he was born in the doorway between my bathroom and bedroom after 3 pushes with me standing up leaning on my husband. It was a very wild experience, but soooo beautiful. Afterwards they brought me to my bed and had me push the placenta out. Once the placenta was born, I fed him and the midwives gave me and my husband some time with just us three. It was such a sweet experience and we talked about how beautiful it all was together.
Hope this gives some of you pregnant mamas that are having a home birth for the first time some relief from any anxiety you may be having!

I feel like I can't find love. I had "boyfriends" but nothing serious and each time thay asked me to help them relax (if you know what mean) through text after we talked for a day or maybe a week and they are nice and call me cute and pretty and beautiful But after I help them they just text me if they need me for that help . And I blocked them But I got a boyfriend a real one these time and he didn't ask me for anything and we only started dating a week ago and he started dry texting me until today that I suggest to the play truth or dare and he started asking me some sexual questions until he said if I want to see him jerk of to which I said no and he textede later that it's okey and said I love you have good dreams . But I fear he will stop liking me if I don't help him and I just think I should do it. My question is is a relationship supposed to be like these like help me jerk of or I don't text you or am I just stupid

MAY 23, TODAY -- Long journey, but I'll try to keep it as short as possible. Before I begin, I want to make it known that me and my ex were unofficially in a relationship. We did argue sometimes, but it only occurred over texting. In person it was a completely different relationship. It was LITERALLY PERFECT. However, It's very difficult to understand each other behind a screen as you can't physically or emotionally touch and feel one another, or depict what the other's emotions are. It's something I've explained to her but we'll reach that point later on. Anyways... I started talking to this beautiful and amazing female two days after Christmas 2023 (on Dec. 27) and we both fell in love with each other within a day of talking. We've had countless conversations about how we were going to plan our future together. We did all the lovebird talk and showered each other with compliments telling how perfect the other person is and hoping to spend the rest of our lives together. Hmph. Only one can dream, right?
Fast forward 32 days later (Jan 28, 2024), we plan to meet for the first time and go on our first date. It went well, but there were some nervous moments within the first 15 minutes. After that we got a lot more comfortable with one another and hooked up (no sex) for nearly an hour on a snowy afternoon. Due to circumstances out of our control in which I blame the god awful weather, we had to end the date early, which lasted about a good 3 hours. The very next day I receive devastating news as I was told she realized she still had feelings for he ex after he messaged her saying that he spotted us "kissing in the car". Mind you, this guy also cheated on her for six months during the time they've been together so what do you have to hold onto? Besides that, this fucker lives 30 minutes away, and you mean to tell me he came here to follow us everywhere we went ON THIS DAY SPECIFICALLY? I think not. Whatever.
Four days later, I decide to take a step back and not message her for 3 days (from February 1-4th) as I needed a couple days to collect my thoughts and think stuff over. We remained in contact and still talked everyday but it was a lot of crying on both ends. There was light flirting here and there, but we were not trying to do it on an obvious level. Think of it as breadcrumbing but not exact. The entire month was a rollercoaster of emotions and deep talks. We argued a few times here and there but they were never anything serious or harmful to our relationship. We did have a personal talk on the 20th and better understood our emotions, but nothing's improved much. Not much eventful stuff happened, so moving on to March...
March 1st was the day she confessed she never stopped loving me and still had strong feelings but was too afraid to show them. She tried pushing herself away after thinking I hated her and told me that she cried everyday and thought about me and how we handled the situation was taking a toll on her mentally and emotionally, stating she doesn't like showing anyone that side of her. She recommended we take a break from talking which only lasted exactly a week (until 3/7). She broke NC at 5 in the morning stating, "I thought you said we were on good terms." replying to a story I posted. Basically another girl was jealous of my relationship with my ex, but that's irrelevant here. Five days later (3/12), My ex's ex-boyfriend's FRIEND doxxed her. Early in the morning at around 3:30 AM (3/13), she explains the situation to me and sends me screenshots of their conversation and he happens to gets a hold of her message logs on Snapchat (some type of data breach he installed in his computer) and threatens to harm her and pull up to her house (which he did show up three days later that Friday and drove past her house at 2 in the morning with his lights off, yeah, weird motherfucker). I do all the comforting letting her know that I'll do whatever it takes to protect her from them and she suddenly grows a newfound love and appreciation for me, getting over him completely. March 16, early Saturday morning after midnight hours, we get on the phone and FaceTime from 1:01 AM to 9:33 AM (I have the logs, I know I keep track of a lot of our milestones) talking about life and what we'd expect moving forward together. It was honestly the happiest day of my life after reconciling with her. It marked the second time we started dating as we haven't ended on bad terms prior. A week later on March 23, we hung out for the first time in two months, marking the second time we've seen each other in person. It was a really bad snowstorm that day here in Upstate NY so we decide to drive back to her house canceling our plans of going on a date which would've been our second. We ended up getting stuck in the snow on the way up the hill, and it was pretty fun trying to get out. We ended up having great makeup sex and it was our first time being intimate on that level. A day later (3/24), I get a long wall of text of her pouring her heart out to me which made me tear up a bit. That moment made me realize she was the one for me (or that I thought of...). Five days pass by and on 3/29, we get to that second date and spent 11 and a half hours of our day together. We went to her favorite diner, went on a 40 minute drive for edibles up until watching the sunset until 7:47 before going home. On Easter two days later, we had our third date, which is personally a favorite of mine. We went to the movies, the arcade, to the pet store to pick out a snail for her tank, dinner, and so much more. I'll spare you the remaining details this time.
Come the month of April (2nd), she had asked me to come over to her house to hang out before she head to work. Two days after (April 4), we go on our fourth ever date, it was a relatively short one but we still were so obsessed with seeing each other that it didn't even matter if it was for twenty seconds (which literally happened March 30th haha). April 5th was our third time hanging out and for 4 and a half hours we basically had sex the entire time on six different occasions and cuddling watching a movie and a few YouTube videos. That very same day is when she started crying in my arms when we were cuddling and I asked her what's wrong and she would always tell me, "It's nothing, I'm fine." I knew that wasn't the case. It wasn't until I realized that our past arguments before we started dating again was taking a toll on her mentally, and she was having fears of being hurt again. She's had a lot of trauma in her past two relationships and I've done everything to reassure her that she'd have nothing to worry about because I really loved this girl. I never did anything to hurt her. Three days later (Apr 8), we were supposed to go see the Solar Eclipse together but she went with her friends instead and I kinda got upset over it so as a result, I didn't message her as much that day as I usually do and she sensed something was off about me. I didn't make it known so I played it off as nothing too serious. She did send me a message and as I was in the middle of sending a reply, I accidentally ended up leaving her on read and got back to her 52 minutes later after waking up. I knew she was pissed off at me because she began sending me 2-3 word replies and I instantly picked it up as she used to do this during the entire month of February and half of March after we ended things between us romantically. I decided to give her the rest of the night to herself regarding space and not text her back until early the next morning I get to work (Apr 9). I apologized to her and she tells me she thinks we need to end things for the better of her mental health and that we'd try again someday when she's ready and able to. I told her my reasonings and she tells me that I need to "man tf up and speak what's on your mind". Mind you, If I do that, it'll only hurt her feelings and she'll start crying. She's very sensitive so I try to be mindful of her feelings. That's that, and come four days later on a Saturday (Apr 13), we go on another "date" post-dating. we go to get some Taco Bell then camp out in a parking lot with sad music playing in the background. She stares at me but I can tell that she's fighting back tears. I do the same thing but for no more than 5 seconds then I turn my head to look away and out the window, letting out awkward giggles. Eventually my emotions overtake me and I throw myself towards her and hug her tightly while breaking down crying. I told her that I love her so much, and she then said she loves me as well. She immediately starts sobbing herself and I wiped every tear off her cheek as they rolled down her face and I kept my arm wrapped around her the entire time and even after we got done weeping. We spent the better part of 5 minutes with our foreheads pressed against one another's and I went in and kissed her and she let out a slight laugh after. After that, our post romance "date" lasted about an hour and a half as she would be busy the rest of the evening. We said our usual "byes" and gave each other a long, intimate hug after. Little did I know this would be the last time I'd see her in person as of this moment. The next day, we have a talk saying how much we appreciate each other, how I'll never neglect her and that I'll always be there for her when she needs it, and she says the same and thanks me for caring about her despite all she's put me through emotionally. The rest of April goes by and we're still doing everything we've done while we dated such as falling asleep on FaceTime together and talking for long hours (I'm talking 10-18 hour phone call sessions), or playing games together such as Call of Duty and Among Us for hours at a time. Apr 22 comes around, and I have suddenly entered a really dark place mentally. I get so upset that I'm brushing off friends, and even the girl I've come to love with all my heart. I haven't contacted her for three days after but once I did, I apologized and explained to her what I was going through at the time. She was obviously upset with me and thought I was over her and she spent every hour of the time she was alone crying and it made me feel like a complete asshole. I definitely had a reason because this is the second time I'm going through a heartbreak with her and it just happened so unexpectedly. April 28 comes and I tell her that I'm ready to just end talks completely, and I wished her a happy life. She promised me she was going to stop and try to fix things between us, and me feeling bad, I obliged because I felt terrible and I still loved her of course, but her actions of wanting to make things work didn't last a long time. I gave her an ultimatum that for the final few days of April, we'd try to work through our issues and go into May with a clean slate. Once again, she started to get distant with me shortly after and her long texts would become shorter and shorter to just one word replies, the phone calls would stop and I basically had to ask her more than once if she'd like to talk over the phone because it's a better way of communicating, and eventually we FaceTimed eight days later (May 4)...
May 4th we call each other at 2:57 AM and talk for a few minutes before falling asleep on call. We wake up at around 5 AM and talk about nonsense until 7 AM. It was her idea to hang up, she got emotional over something I must've said, I'm not sure...? She then says she would text me later, but the remainder of the day goes past and I get no message, no call, nothing. I'm upset and she caught wind of it and apologizes to me the next day at nearly 5 in the morning. We had an argument over texting and that was the final nail in the coffin for us. She suggested things to be over for us and it left me devastated because I just don't know what I've done to get treated like this. I did every nice thing for her, I never disrespected her, manipulate, act hostile or possessive at all. I was the complete opposite. I'm not one who likes to face adversity nor am I confrontational. I avoid any problems I may have to face. We go No Contact, but stupid me breaks that just 11 days later (May 16) sending a 1,259-word iMessage about all the shit we went through the last couple of months. I made sure to let her know my love and appreciation for her. I told her how we should've given space to each other before our situation got to the point that it got to. She replies three days later stating she didn't know what to say and apologizes for taking long to respond. She says she doesn't want to risk a relationship again because she's scared due to the way she used to talk to me disrespectfully when we tried being friends through all of our issues. four days later which is May 23 today, she goes OFF on me and cursed me out like I've never seen from the likes of her before. I did my best remaining calm with her throughout the entire encounter. I apologized multiple times for how I made her feel but it just wasn't enough I then get blocked.
I really found it hard to be "friends" with her through all of this until we can work ourselves up into a REAL relationship. I'm at a loss for words. I lost someone who meant so fucking much to me. I don't know what to do anymore. I'm so torn. Haley, you were the best I've ever loved. I thought I finally found my soulmate after being done so wrong in the past. I'll always love you, forever and always. I'm gonna miss the late night calls, your beautiful smile, your gorgeous eyes, and your amazing presence around me. I'm even gonna miss that annoying ass dog of yours and that perverted cat that used to watch us make love on the same bed he laid on during it. I hope someday we can make our way back to each other. I hope this isn't goodbye, but see you later.

With one of Britney Spears recent posts it puts her back once again in the limelight. With over 42 million fans on her Instagram alone its clear she still has an impact. The question is what kind?
I'm real curious from a real Christian perspective is it OK, perfectly fine and normal in these modern times if one has the money to just coast from resort to resort living one's days out on the warm beach sand and sun and fun with the tide and your view count the only worries? I've no idea if Britney is Christian or not but should she or could she be doing more with her life? This isn't a judgement but rather an observation because we are all mirrors of each other. You have to ask though, if you had the fame, had the name, had money and the beauty would you not do as she or thousands of other Instagram models - travel the world in skimpy outfits for views clicks and likes only furthering your bank account? Even if it could, should life really just be a continual "Life is a Beach"?
What does Jesus say, what does the Bible say, and what does religion say about this?
Technically she isn't hurting anyone per se, unless maybe you count her children that she doesn't see as often or care for. Does she bring them on her vacay's? Not long ago fans where so worried about her "house arrest" or conservatorship they rose up and actually made something happen to the point of breaking this lawful agreement allowing her to access all her money. Some say this was great and some say this was bad and she is burning money weekly at a super high rate. Some are worried she may run out soon and then what?
Why care at all unless you're a fan? Well I think there are many lessons here but curious what we can learn as Christians about how we should or shouldn't live our lives. Are we obliged to live a different life than others even if we have the means, and why?

HRT since October 13’24
I’ve been so busy all week out and about. I still haven’t done bottom surgery so tucking it is even in +25 heat.
My wife and I have been addressed as ladies everywhere! Restaurant, stores, outside..
We went to pickup some tinted moisturizer and even the attendant said i had beautiful skin and treated me as a she i was over the moon.
How have all of yous week been so far?