I've been a fan since ’99 and still got my big box copy that I took the bus to buy with my paperboy money (and afterwards I got Cataclysm, HW2, Deserts of Kharak, the Remastered Collector’s Edition, the first and second print of the artbook, and now the HW3 Collector’s Edition). I used to frequent Relic News back in the day, Homeworld 1 is my top 5 of all time and I now work in research on games thanks to games like Homeworld leaving a big impact on me. Homeworld also turned me into a huge fan of 70s scifi like Chris Foss and Peter Elson and I regularly listen to all of Paul Ruskay's work. So to say that Homeworld has had an impact on my life is an understatement.
I get that Homeworld 3 isn’t perfect. I get that the cutscenes are very dissonant and doesn’t really explain things. I get that the campaign is short and over way too soon. I also get that there are some gameplay shortcomings and that there seem to be a lack of fleet diversity, but those can be fixed with the post-launch support.
But Homeworld 3 still feels like a Homeworld game and to me, it is at the very least *a good or decent* Homeworld experience. The space vistas are mind-blowingly gorgeous. the megaliths are straight out of concept art from HW2 we saw back in 2002. The ship designs are perfect transitions from the previous Homeworld games. Paul Ruskay’s music is once again a complete banger that feels unique and distinct, but still very much in family with his previous work. How he manages to do this for over 20 years is so incredible. Even though the cutscenes are nonsensical character drama, some of the imagery is pretty neat. The pilot chatter is the best in the series. The battle information that Fleet Command relays to you is also the best in the series in not just providing atmosphere, but also giving you a good overview of the state of your fleet when things can get hectic. They got formations back, they also got a “dock damaged ships” command that makes micromanaging much easier. The mission design in the campaign can be kinda cool and change things up in between missions (I only wish there was more or that the campaign was longer). There's a reason most critics scored it an 8/10, because there's still undoubtedly good stuff in the game.
As someone who really thought we would never ever get a new Homeworld for over a decade, Homeworld 3 as a project is a dream come true in the sense that Rob Cunningham, Aaron Kambietz, Paul Ruskay, Dave Cheong, Martin Cirulis, and a lot of incredibly talented new folks as well came together to make Deserts of Kharak and Homeworld 3. As a game experience, Homeworld 3 is at least right now a decent but especially an incredibly beautiful addition to the series and with the post-launch support, I’m sure some of the kinks will be fixed as already detailed in last week’s comprehensive dev update. I do wish BBI and Gearbox would do something about salvaging the story/campaign, but I don’t have high hopes. The point is that I get the doom and gloom, but I think it's also important to acknowledge and recognize the very positive parts about the game. BBI has spent 5 years working their asses off on this game and they care deeply about the universe and us fans. It’s not over yet and we can see what’ll happen in the future, so I think it’s important to keep in mind the good things and the good intentions by BBI with the huge effort they’ve made.
You have to understand, it’s such a dream come true to have old Homeworld people back together in a new company constellation to make a new space Homeworld. That it stumbled at the finishing line doesn’t detract from the fact that we’ve gotten some great things as Homeworld fans: re-releases of the originals, a GOG release of Cataclysm/Emergence, a hefty and nice artbook, a very well-made prequel by BBI that kickstarted things today, and then of course much more Homeworld with the mobile game, the VR game, the boardgame, and the tabletop RPG and vinyl releases. It’s been a great time to be a Homeworld fan thanks to BBI and Gearbox and I think we can still be positive about the future considering how much BBI and folks at Gearbox genuinely care about the series and likely will work hard to rectify or maybe even surprise us with something else.

Hello all! My name is Spencer and am 20yrs old sophomore. I live in Georgia and attending KSU. I don't plan on staying, yet I do plan on transferring to UGA, GT, Auburn, etc.
This post is about reconsidering my career major. I appreciate any and all serious advices and/or guidance. I thank, in advance, for all who read all of my "dilemma" described below.
I've been wanting to be an Industrial Design since 3 years ago (in high school), yet now I have second-thoughts.
Since two months ago, I've discovered Landscape Architecture, Environmental Engineering, and Environmental Design.
Here it goes... Over the past few months, I've really been digging into what I want to do through my life. For background, I love art, music, hiking, gardening, creativity, innovation, and nature. I find so much inspiration from daily life, nature, the environment, especially insects. Throughout my days, I find myself thinking about how to improve or create a certain aspect of life around me. For instance, ideating a cooler water bottle, bike add-on, and a desk. Even, I suggest composting to ppl around me. I enjoy thinking of eco-friendly ideas and alternatives.
In the past month or so, I've really discovered another passion...that is I now aspire to better the world around me; cultivating native wildlife, reduced landscaping, thinking/contemplating on how my city/town community can recycle, donate more thorough promotion of being environmentally-friendly.
This was the main driving factor in reconsidering Industrial Design. I fear, that with a career in Industrial Design, I might not be given enough opportunity to change the world (little-by-little) around me. I sincerely do not want to end up ideating and creating products, user experience, items that only have one purpose. Designing a cool, ergonomic chair would be awesome, yet lately I feel it would not fulfill wishes to be environment-eco-manufacturing friendly enough, in other words (metaphorically) just another brick (piece of plastic) in the wall.
I'd like to iterate to myself, that I swear this is one of the first times in my life, career wise, that I am a little lost. I've always known what I wanted to do, be in art/design, and being a creative person. It's such an odd feeling. Nevertheless,
I sincerely want to be engaged in Sustainable innovations and ideations. However, what I've found about Environmental Engineering and/or Landscape Architecture that I don't like, is the idea of being stuck with designing pipes, water infrastructure, and such. Don't get me wrong, these are amazing aspects of bettering the world's environment, but I feel that this will never satisfy my artistic-design desires and my inate artistic and creative-thinking abilities and skills.
With Environmental-Engineering, it appears to be a great segway into what I desire to do in my life, however, looking at curriculums from surrounding universities, the math is worrying me a bit. I've a decent-enough GPA, yet am not proud of it, per-se.
See, I'm currently taking Intro to Physics & its Lab this summer at KSU (the teacher is by far not the best, but the problem-solving is to say the last, interesting). I notice with Environmental-Engineering (at UGA at least) requires 1 more Physics, 2 Chemistry, and Linear Algebra. I'm a bit worried about the heavy math requirements. Now don't get me wrong, I know I could tackle these, I put more than enough effort into studying (I got high B's in Calc 1 & Calc 2), yet it worries me for some reason. I might be overthinking things. I've already started looking for Physics 1 Tutors and resources.
To help myself in my career-major dilemma, I've compiled a few environmental-engineering, landscape architecture, and Industrial Design companies/firms based in Georgia. I've also started to proactively reach out for shadowing.
In recap, my current dilemma: Choosing a major intersecting my (passion for creativity, art, nature) and the (desire to make a positive impact).
With all this said, I very much appreciate guidance on a field that would best fit me, given my personality I described.
Once again, I thank all who've read this far and have/will express interests in assisting me. I appreciate any serious advice, guidance, offers, and inquiries. Thank you,
Sincerely, Spencer

Background & Context:

Throwaway account. This isn’t an immediate issue, or even an issue anymore. This relationship issue happened when I was 18. Now I’ve been in a loving relationship with my current girlfriend (we’ll call Mia) for 3 years (I love her to bits, I can’t understate that). This topic came up when I was talking to a group of people about our relationship history. I talked about my first relationship as nowadays I find it to be a funny story. Everyone laughs when I tell it, but they usually come to the conclusion that she was a raging A-hole and gaslit me, even though to this day, I think we’re both at MASSIVE faults for our behaviour. My closest friends have even nicknamed her ‘the devil’. It feels weird to me that despite feeling like I was also an A-hole, but everyone around me thinks otherwise. I was telling my girlfriend about this and she’s like, ‘you know what, you should post this on reddit, it’d be really funny to see the responses!’ Few days later here we are. Now that I’ve gotten context out of the way, Imma just start telling the story.

PART 1 - This is Where I Feel I Was Asshole:

Before The Break-Up:

After some time in the relationship, (I think 2-3 months in, not entirely sure), I felt absolutely awful. Not because she (we’ll call her Emily) was a bad person, not at all. 3 months-ish into the relationship, there were entire days were I would ball my eyes out, or feel completely sick, not able to really do anything apart from contemplate the state of the relationship, mostly because I felt like I was putting in a lot of effort, and she wasn’t putting in effort at all. I think around 3 months in, I ‘talked’ about how I thought ‘the relationship felt like a friendship’. I wasn’t completely open with how much it was affecting me at all (which was an issue on my end), however she kindly set her boundaries, saying how she thought the relationship was fine. She wasn’t mean or anything (maybe AT WORST), slightly dismissive. It was a very civil conversation. I did leave that conversation feeling better, but I also left that conversation thinking I was asking for way too much out of the relationship, and that relationships aren’t really how I thought they’d be. Regardless we move on.
Later on into our relationship, we go on one of our dates, and I remember it being one of the most draining outings I’ve ever had. On my end, and her end as well. I was drained because she was having a bad day before our date, and was frankly being rude to me when it wasn’t really justified. On her end, there were times when I being an idiot and frankly embarrassing, which looking back on it, WAS DEFINITELY TRUE. I remember we were making a joke on the train, and I got to into it and loudly said ‘GANG SH*T’, and then immediately regretted it because 2 or 3 old ladies looked at me, and Emily looked absolutely awe-struck with embarrassment. (Spoiler: A lack of self-awareness in certain moments plays a crucial role later in this post. I read my friend this story, and she said to me, please state that you are also autistic as I feel it also plays a crucial role in this story. I don’t know if that helps but that’s what she says I should say, so yeah). During the end of this date, when we’re both clearly kinda beat up, she brings up the point ‘Does this relationship still feel like a friendship to you?’. We had a civil conversation about it, got some pizza at a pizza place, and left the date on a rather sour note.

Break-Up:

Okay, let’s fast forward to the time when I ask her ‘Can we talk at ‘x’ location?’ This was after the semester in the summer. I wasn’t completely dead-set on ending the relationship, but I was pretty sure within this conversation, it was probably going to happen. She agreed, but later on the day, she texted me that she’d rather talk on the phone (later on within that conversation she jokingly said, ‘I’m not gonna lie, I’m not going to get all dressed up to get broken up with man’, which got a good laugh out of both of us’). We talked on the phone about the relationship and our issues with it, and at the time I thought ‘Yo, this is like the best break-up ever!’. There was very clearly no sort of strong dislike or hate between us despite our moments. We even started jokingly roasting each other during the conversation, laughing our assess of. Hell, she even said that she’ll invite me to her 19th birthday party at the end of the conversation. We even said to each other ‘let’s not tell our school friends that we’ve broken up, and then act like the most platonic homies ever in front of them!’ We both left that call feeling good about ourselves. I told my friends (who didn’t go into the school about the interaction), and they were happy. One of them even said ‘you delayed what could’ve possibly been one of the most calmest break-ups ever’. I texted her about what her friends said, and she said that she was going to tell them in the evening. I didn’t hear back from her about her friends, but didn’t really think anything of it. We very much occasionally texted sometimes in the summer. Sometimes about working out, sometimes about music…don’t really remember much of it, but it was calm (or at least I thought it was calm).
(As I type out this paragraph right now, I indefinitely cringe. The lack of self-awareness from me in this story is…a lot to say the least).

After The Break-Up (Back To School):

I go back to school to see Emily and my friend studying on a table. I see Emily and get slightly nervous, I haven’t seen her face to face for months on end, but I go up to her and my friend, and dap them both up. We have our conversations, go to class, and go home. It did feel VERY awkward being around her, and I did sense that something was wrong, but I chalked it up to, ‘Oh, you’ve just met your ex after months on end, it’s going to be slightly awkward’.
I saw my other friend (we’ll call Daisy), the next day, and she had broken up with her girlfriend. I asked her how the break up went, and she said the break-up went decently. She then asked me about my relationship break up. My brain goes ‘hold on, my ex told you about it?’. Additionally, she asked me that in the most sad way possible. I immediately knew that something was off. I ask her, ‘Yo what did she tell you?’. I’m going to give a very approximate re-enactment about how the convo went.
Daisy: She’s really hurt, from what I said
Me: What did I say?
Daisy: She said that she felt really hurt, the fact that you called her disgusting-
MY EYES WIDEN. I was like WHAT?!? ‘NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO’, THAT’S NOT WHAT I MEANT. OH MY GOD, I FEEL AWFUL…NOOOOOOOOOOO’
Daisy looked at me like she expecting my reaction, like completely unphased. She said to me that she told Emily:
Daisy: ‘You should probably talk to him, because that’s definitely not what he meant.’
Emily: ‘No, I’m tired of explaining myself to people’
I remember the feeling to this day, I felt absolutely awful in the moment. I’ve genuinely never felt worse about hurting a person in my life. I asked Daisy whether I should talk to Emily about the situation and apologise to her, but Daisy said that Emily really doesn’t wanna talk to me again, and that the damage has already been done. Maybe you can apologise in the future, but to give her some time. After school, I go home from this incident, still feeling like shit, and call my friend to tell her about my mistake. We’ll call this friend Steph. Steph listens to me, and doesn’t look amused. She says to me….
Steph: I don’t believe you called her disgusting
Me: What do you mean?
Steph: What did you say to her?
Me: I said to her that during the relationship there were times that I felt sick and couldn’t do anything in the day, as well as struggling with attraction (VERY BRIEFLY, LIKE A FEW SECONDS). Also during the break up, fast forwarding when we were both in a jokey mood, my ex said to me:
‘Why did you DM me a few days before this break-up calling me babe?’ ‘Like you knew this moment was coming hahaha’
Me: ‘Girl, when I did that I was absolutely DISGUSTED’
She laughs and we continue talking to each other making jokes and releasing some tension.
Steph says to me: So, you didn’t flat out say to her face, that she was disgusting…in a serious or jokey tone?
Me: I mean, what I said, can CLEARLY be interpreted as such man. Even though I didn’t flat out say it, I shouldn’t have said any of that, whether it was in a jokey or serious tone. And looking back on that, it’s stupid that I didn’t take that break-up as seriously as it should’ve have. Like…come on, I’m an idiot for roasting and joking around in a moment that should be taken seriously.
Steph: But she was joking around too right?
Me: yeah…
Steph: And she was roasting you too…right?
Me: yeah…
Steph: So why is she mad? That doesn’t make any sense.
Me: I mean, I don’t remember, but knowing me, I probably initiated the jokes.
Steph: Bro, don’t assume. And even if you did initiate the jokes, she would’ve had to play along as well. And the fact that she just assumed that what you said, meant that you found her disgusting, and didn’t find her physically attractive, without talking to you about that…DOESN’T MAKE SENSE.
Me: I don’t know…I still feel like I shouldn’t have done any of that
Steph: Bro, don’t PURELY blame yourself. Hell EVEN HER FRIEND TOLD HER, THAT’S NOT WHAT YOU MEANT! AND SHE DECIDED TO RUN OFF WITH HER ASSUMPTION ANYWAY!
As you can see, my friend was pissed on my behalf. She didn’t really convince me, I still felt awful for a LONG TIME. Okay let’s keep going with this story, it’s a long one

Birthday & ‘The Talk’

My ex and I, have the same birthday. Shocking I know. We were both in school, I didn’t see my ex for the entire day, but even if I did, her friend told me that she really didn’t wanna talk to me, so it’s not like I would talk to her in the first place.
When I went to get lunch, I saw Daisy and Emily were sitting at the table having lunch. I saw my ex, and I made sure not to make eye-contact and walked past them. I thought in my head, she probably wants to enjoy her birthday, and probably doesn’t want to see her ex who called her disgusting on her birthday. A day later, I talk to Daisy, and the topic of Emily comes up. Daisy said to me that Emily was looking for me on our birthday, to also wish me happy birthday, and got upset that when she finally saw me, I walked past her and ignored her. AGAIN, I FEEL AWFUL, but in the back of my head, I’m just like ‘wait, I swear she said she doesn’t wanna talk to me’. I inquire Daisy on this. (Unfortunately, since it’s been years now, I don’t remember what Daisy said). So bing-bang-boom, later on in the day, Daisy, my ex, Emily and my old friend group meet up. Emily smiles at me, but also looks emotionally beat-up. Bro, when I saw I almost teared up, and was like ‘not today, not today, not today’. After some small talk within the group, I ask Emily to talk privately with her. She was amicable and agreed to go to talk privately.
The first thing I did was apologise, and says that’s not what I meant at all, and clarified my feelings. I don’t remember exactly what I said, but I said the comment about me being disgusted about my Instagram DM was meant playfully, to criticise my own behaviour. Additionally, when I said I was struggling with attraction and felt sick during the relationship, it wasn’t because of how you look. It was because of the nature of the relationship, and how I felt like I was putting inn way too much effort (within that conversation, I was trying to omit the fact that I felt like she put in no effort at all. I felt weird putting blame on her for that in the time) I even admitted within the break-up conversation, that I still felt attraction to her, but I know the relationship wasn’t working, as so did she. She said:
‘Well, I’m not going to ask for clarification, like oh maybe he didn’t mean this, when someone says something as blatant as that’
We talk some more. Emily said that she didn’t want to be friends because she was VERY hurt about what I said, but if we ever see each other, that we can be civil. She gives a lot of points about the break-up. I remember in my head disagreeing with the points, but unfortunately while I’m writing this post, I don’t remember those points. The conversation that we had was very civil and respectful. I remember that I disagreed with the points that she put forward, but I didn’t give any push-back. I was there to take responsibility for my stupidity and negligence, and apologise. Daisy told Emily what I said about just being there to apologise, and emily got annoyed saying ‘Why is he trying to act like my therapist?’ to her. Daisy told me she said this…I was confused but decided to leave it there, and not talk to Emily again, and reflect on how I communicate with people,, because I didn’t want to hurt anyone like that again.

Conclusion

Okay, everything I’ve said here, to this day, I still believe that I’m a MASSIVE ass-hole. The way I talked to her whether jokingly or not within that conversation was unacceptable. I should’ve kept it serious, no roasting, and not to give jokes at the expense of the other WHATSOEVER within a context as a big as that. Due to that, I hurt someone that I really cared about. Agree with me or not, that’s how I feel to this day. The experience has helped me for the better as it did help me change my behaviour in terms of how I communicate, and be more conscious of what I say. It’s carried on YEARS later, and whilst I slip up and may occasionally hurt someone’s feelings or say something out of pocket, it can easily be solved with a ‘hey, please don’t say that’, and nowhere near as bad as someone who is supposed attracted to you, feeling DISGUSTING. From here, this is where she does some things that dictate her as a massive asshole.

PART 2- This is Where I Feel SHE Was An Asshole:

Making Up

3-4 weeks go by , she seems a lot more chirpy and happy when I occasionally see her in school. One day she taps me on the shoulder, and says ‘Hey, I’ve thought about our conversation, and I think I’m over everything[…]I’d appreciate it if we can be cool again, if you would like, and we can hang out in the same circles. I light up and I say ‘yeah, that’d be nice’. Being in the same friend-circle with her was nice. We didn’t talk face-to-face often, but everything was friendly and cool.

Water-Incident:

3 days later. Somebody in our group spills water onto the ground in the cafeteria. I try to clean it. Emily and my other friend (we’ll call Marco) go to get some cleaning roll. She comes back giving me a death-stare. I was startled, but for some reason thought nothing of it. I thought it might’ve been how I was cleaning the water, as she’s very big on cleaning. She says ‘WHY CAN’T YOU GUYS CLEAN?’ Marco makes a joke along the lines saying ‘Men don’t know how to clean’ or something like that. She laughs, and I start thinking that ‘oh this is a bit’. As we’re cleaning the water off the ground, and then let the water soak into the tissue, she goes away from the water, and starts ranting to her friend. My friend and I start laughing, as we think it’s a bit. She storms out and says ‘it’s not funny’. Instantly I froze. I went over to her friend (we’ll call him Kyle. BTW Fck Kyle. He was a terrible person that sexually harasses women, despites them saying that they’re uncomfortable. I didn’t know about that during the time of this story, but I knew that later on during that year. Kyle, I if you’re reading this, I hope you’ve changed your ways, if not, fck you, sincerely). I went over to Kyle’s table and asked, ‘Yo is Emily okay?’
Kyle: It’s not my place to say what happened
Me: slightly panick Bro, I just wanna know if she’s okay
Kyle: okay…YOU AND EMILY GOT SOME ISSUES! AND YOU GOT SOME STUFF TO FIGURE OUT!
She shouted at me in front of the cafeteria, with multiple tables looking at me, some people laughing, and some people looking sorry for me.
Kyle walks away, and I just stand there for 5-10 seconds, give a large exhale, put my palms in to my hand, and walk back to the group. When Emily comes back, I ask her if she’s okay. She said something alone the lines of ‘Don’t make fun of someone, and then ask them if they’re okay straight afterwards…’. (She wasn’t mad at Marco for some reason, but was mad at me, but as Daisy said ‘I knew how her anxiety worked’.) I walk away from the group, and go outside and just look up at the sky. I thought that I had fucked up again, and not able to realise when I’ve crossed a line. I distanced myself from the group, and just stayed alone from a bit and studied for the upcoming exams. I was studying for around 14 hours a day, and when I wasn’t studying, I was thinking that I was a terrible person. It was probably that, and the combination of exam-stress that lead to me getting my first panic-attack when hanging out with my friends. When Emily came up to my group of friends with someone else, I left the group, and just wanted to be in my own space.

Getting jealous of multiple girls I was talking to and proceeds to stare them down:

I was talking to other girls in a group. Not in a romantic way. I was NOT in the space for another relationship, especially when I don’t know when I’ve crossed a line. I didn’t want to hurt anyone the same way I hurt Emily. There was a girl (we’ll call her Lacey) and another girl (we’ll call her Selena) that I got on pretty well with. We’ve been talking for a few months at this point. I was talking to them during my lunch-time, and I told her the story about my ex and I. She said to me ‘Is your ex the girl that’s been death-staring me?’
Me: Wait what?
Lacey: Yeah, whenever I talk to you should just death-stares me for ages. It’s made me so uncomfortable, I’ve wanted to get up from my seat and say ‘excuse me, do we have a problem?’
This battle between them apparently lasted for the ENTIRE YEAR until they never saw each other again.
Selena has talked to her and said to me ‘Yeah…I’m not going to lie, I don’t like her, you can do better’
I was like ‘guys, relax’
Them: My bad, my bad.
Selena: But, there’s better out there.
I was also notified by another woman that my ex death-stared them and made them uncomfortable because of it. That was really weird to me, but hey I wasn’t talking to her anymore, and I just minded my business. I haven’t talked to her since that ‘water incident’.

Make-Up No.2

Emily hits me up on Instagram, wanting to call. We have a chat about the current state of affairs, and both admitted that we had feelings for each other to summarise. She admitted that she was jealous seeing me hang out with other girls, and that she got mad at me again within the 3 days that we made up, and said ‘my bad about that’. We further clarified some stuff about the relationship, and we made up. I think a few days later - FOR SOME UNGODLY REASON, I DO NOT REMEMBER WHY, MY FRIENDS TO THIS DAY MAKE FUN OF ME FOR THIS - I asked her out. Maybe, it was the feeling of wanted to being rejected to fully get over her, I don’t know man. I was in a bad space. My friend as I’m reading her this draft, has now gotten on her knees, and started praying for my sanity. Emily rejected me, and to be honest the day after, I thanked god that we didn’t get back together.

‘Exploding at me’

We were hanging out in a group. I was being relatively quiet, and had learnt to shut up and think before I speak quite consistently until this point. I looked at Emily and she looked upset. I looked at her and was about to ask whether she was okay. From my glance alone, she exclaims at me: ‘If you ask me if I’m okay, I will shout/snap at you, just saying’. I put my hands up completely startled. I was thinking maybe she hates me asking if she’s okay. It had become a meme in the friend-group that I over ask people whether they’re okay if I think they look sad, so maybe I was annoying her.
Now, she later apologised a few days later saying Kyle had sexually harassed her, and she was really tense within that moment, and just exploded. NOW, people who were there said I was unfairly treated, however, something that’s as serious and harmful as that happening to someone, I understand blowing up at someone. So we moved on. As I said before, f*ck Kyle.

I WASN’T fully sure why she didn’t like me in this moment:

I saw Emily sad during the day, seeming sort of upset. I message her on Instagram during that evening ‘Hey, I know it’s a bit of a meme of me asking people if they’re okay, but you looked upset today and I wanted to know if everything was good?’. She laughs and says ‘everything is good’
I literally walked up to the group the next day, try to fist-bump everyone, and when I put my fist towards her, she ignored me. I thought she didn’t see me, so I stupidly fist-bumped everyone again and went towards her. This moment is comedic gold. She winces at me, and disapprovingly waves. My friend Marco says ‘Ooooooooo’, I’m like ‘woah’ and completely freeze, with my fist still in the air. Daisy tries to break the awkward silence and says ‘it’s just one of those days’. I’m completely frozen with my fist, still in the air during all of this happening, in complete awe, thinking to myself ‘what did I do this time?’. Daisy, to release me from this state, proceeds to rapidly first bump me 10 times. Once I register what’s fully happened, I leave the group and sit with my friends. I heard her from the other end of the cafeteria complaining about me to her friends. After that scenario, I didn’t talk to her one-to-one for the rest of the year, and tried to avoid talking to her. I accepted after that moment that no matter how I act, I’m going to be met with a negative reaction.
Later on after school had ended, I found out that she was upset because she thought I was dating my CURRENT girlfriend. Now to be brief, I met this girl in the beginning of the year. I remember we started talking very frequently as she was cool, but I wasn’t ready for a relationship whatsoever. She said really liked me, and in her words jokingly says that ‘she just waited patiently’. We went out for a couple of times, but these weren’t clarified to be dates (EVENTHOUGH nowadays we basically call them dates), and she admitted she liked me. I said that she was lovely, but that I wasn’t mature enough for a relationship, and that ‘you probably don’t want to date me’. I did start slowly developing feelings for her. All of this date stuff happened after being rejected from my ex. Now we weren’t dating at the time, and were strictly on friend terms. I guess it might’ve been obvious that we both liked each other, considering that Emily got upset and didn’t talk to me. Near the end of the year, we started dating, and as I’ve said before, we’re still dating to this day. Marco called it out that we liked each once we started dating, and we were like ‘welp, I guess the secret’s out lol’. Yeah that’s about it there.

A year later, Emily texts me when I’m studying my university degree, telling me I’m a dickhead, even though I blocked her:

I’m on facetime with my girlfriend. I believe we’re a year and a bit into our relationship, and then my ex texts me. Keep in mind, I’ve blocked my girlfriend on all platforms, and deleted her number. I should’ve blocked her number, because she decides text me, saying something along the lines of:
‘Hey it’s Emily here. Just wanna say you’re a dickhead for leading me on for 3 months, and telling me that you liked me when you didn’t. Thanks for adding to my trauma and my trust issues with people. Hope you and your current girlfriend are doing okay!’
Me: w-what? I’m so confused.
Seconds after, I then decide not to give a second thought, and then I blocked her.
Conclusion:
This was a long-story, but here’s my proper conclusion. I think I was an asshole for how I broke up with her as said in Part 1. I also think I was flat-out stupid for agreeing to be friends with her, despite her clearly resenting me. I think she’s the asshole for treating me horribly after the break-up, making some of my female friends feel uncomfortable by staring at them, getting mad at me multiple times without telling me she was properly mad, and then sending me an awful text, even when I’ve blocked her on all platforms.
Okay long story done. Discuss y'all.

Hey everyone! Sorry for the long wait, the story is not abandoned, I just got a bit lost in other stuff and have fallen out with the world of NoP a bit. I will continue the story, through I can't promise a new chapter every month.
On another note, I am quite proud of this chapter, this is definetly my favourite one, and I enjoyed expanding on Velnils past and mental health. (And tormenting him, of course. Nah, just joking. xD)
Thank you for creating this beautiful universe!
Also thanks to for proofreading!
Criticism is very much welcome, let me know what you think!
Enjoy!
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Memory transcription subject: Velnil, Arxur deserter Date [standardized human time]: 25th of October, 2136, Middle of the night
CW: panic attack, hallucination, self harm
[Note: Dream state detected. Reliving memory. Proceed? (Y/N)]
[Y]
The cold seeped deep into Velnil’s scales as he trudged up the hidden path of the forest, up onto a small hill where a single, just barely alive tree stood still. There was no wind, no new smells and no sound. It was calm, eerily calm, forcing Velnil to periodically stop and look around, seeing if anyone had followed him.
Every time, there was nothing. It was just the empty forest, filled with dying trees and withered bushes. There were a few animal bones here and there sticking out of the ground, but he did not care enough to spare a glance at them.
As he ascended higher and higher on the small hill, he felt as his breathing slowly returned to normal from the usually used powerful intakes and blowouts. He took a slow, deep breath, as he arrived at the tree, letting the cold air run into his lungs, and calming down his beating heart. He was here again. The only question was if he was really alone or not.
“Frostbubble, are you there?” He asked, almost in a whisper as he looked around, moving towards the tree. It still felt strange to use this nickname, but if it kept her safe and happy, he was more than glad to use it.
“Aww, you did come, Velny.” The voice was almost sickeningly sweet for Velnil’s ears, but he knew it was because of everything he had been learning. The warmth in his chest was just another proof to it, as he noticed her lanky shadow climb down from the tree, keeping a small bag up with her tail as she did so. He felt a slight blush creep onto his face as she hopped down, and quickly approached him.
“How have you been? I hope they didn’t manage to rough you up too badly this time.” The care in her voice made Velnil shutter and relax at the same time, as her hand landed on his arm, caressing the scar he had first received for insubordination.
He was four back then.
“No. I’m okay, Zar… Frostbubble.” More warmth filled his chest at her wide toothed smile. “They didn’t get me this time. I managed to trick them.”
“So clever and cunning, Velny.” Her grating chuckle, while repulsive to his ears, was music to his heart. He felt a soft pressure on his hand as she took it, and began leading him to the other side of the tree, facing away from the facility, and out towards the dying wilderness. The view has always filled him with dread, seeing as nature had slowly withered away with his feelings, only to eventually be replaced by even more factories and facilities. It was truly as if the planet felt his pain, his suffering as he was slowly broken down, only to be replaced by the ideals and will of Betterment.
They sat down on the ground, neither of them caring about the cold, as they leaned back a bit, looking up at the night sky. Everything was so calm, yet Velnil couldn’t keep himself from looking around, listening for any noise that could tell him they were not alone.His anxiety only grew, until he felt a soft touch on his chin. He let his head be turned back towards her.
Her smile was horrible(line through) beautiful. The shine of her eyes as she looked at him so calmly, like they weren’t in constant danger of being found out and killed. It angered him, but at the same time, it filled him with a strange feeling. It was still so alien to him, he never felt it before, only when he was with her.
“We are safe here, Veln. Don’t worry so much about it. I am always watching and also making sure that no one is following you. You don’t need to turn around that often. Let yourself relax a bit.” It didn’t make any sense. How could he relax? They were out and about without the knowledge of the masters, they were going against the rules.
She is not even supposed to be here. She was never in the facility.
He opened his mouth, but couldn’t say anything as she closed it, playfully flicking one of her claws on his snout. He shook his head, incredulous about what just happened.
“I know that look, Velny. Relax, just for this once.” As she leaned forward, his heart rate spiked, the alien feeling shooting up like fire as warmth filled his face at the feeling of her nuzzling his snout. He leaned towards her, eyes half-lidded as he felt his muscles relax ever so slightly. Perhaps Zartha is right. He could relax with her, and not be on the lookout for any danger that may be around them.
“Maybe… maybe you are right, Frostbubble.” He mumbled, his eyes closing momentarily as his snout moved to rub at her throat, with a sharp intake of air coming from her.
“Veln, I…” Zartha stopped for a few seconds, prompting Velnil to lean back a bit to look at her. She looked… troubled? Unsure? No, it was something else. Her eyes fluttered while looking all around, as if searching for danger, but they always returned to him, at which point she flicked with her tailtip, until it snagged at her satchel.
“I made something for you.” Velnil cocked his head as he watched her pull out a thermos, quickly unscrewing its top. He watched as steam rose from the thermos, filling the air with a sweet scent, creating an even more serene atmosphere.
“It’s Trilltilla tea. It took a long time, but I wanted to make it for you.” Velnil watched as she presented the top part of the thermos for him. Slowly reaching out, he took hold of it, their hands touching as their eyes met. The shining in her eyes, the way her irises grew, her tail that wagged more and more. He was sure she felt the same strange feeling he felt, as his tail wagged as well, albeit slowly.
He then took hold of it properly, lifting it up to drink. There was no need to say thanks. She knew he was thankful for it.
“So, this is where you have been sneaking off.” Velnil jumped up and whipped around, the top of the thermos falling to the ground as its contents spilled. Next to the tree stood his master, with two burly arxur standing on either of his side. The scowl on his master's face told him everything. They saw everything, the two of them have been found out.
It was over for them.
Zartha slowly stood up, to which one of the arxur moves so quickly to her, it was almost a blur. A painful yelp came from her as she was punched in the gut, tumbling forward, but she wasn’t allowed to fall to the ground. The arxur kept her up, while his master and the other moved in.
“So, you must be Zartha. I have heard quite a lot of you. A disgrace to our kind, really.” His master’s voice was full of contempt. Velnil didn’t dare to speak, nor did he dare to move, lest he might lose his head.
Or worse…
“I’m no disgrace. The only disgrace here is how you trea-” She wasn’t allowed to finish. Master didn’t allow her. The arxur holding her punched her again, forcing the air out of her lungs.
“Tssk. Such a waste of resources. This one is unfixable.” As his master’s eyes landed on him, Velnil felt himself freeze under the glare. “But you will still be redeemed, boy. Oh, you will be. I will make sure of that. You are allowed to return to your dwelling, at this instant.” His heart didn’t want to, but his mind knew he must move. Velnil’s legs, almost like he was on auto-pilot, moved, one after the other, as he began making his way down. He heard as his master turned to address the other arxur.
“Find its father and wipe its disgrace off this world. Then find its mother, and make sure that woman brings a proper arxur into this world.” An acknowledging grunt was the only answer.
The cold seeped deep into Velnil’s scales as he made his way down the hill, the warmth escaping, leaving him with a cold, painful pressure on his rumbling stomach that yearned for her tea.
But it will never feel its warmth.
~~~
Growling, and pressure on his stomach was what woke Velnil up. On instinct, he striked with his right arm, his sharp claws swiping at nothing. His head swiveled around, with no need for his eyes to adjust to the darkness of the night, trying to find whatever was threatening him.
There was nothing.
Velnil began to work on calming his breathing as he tried to listen, focusing on the nightly sounds of the forest, seeing if he can hear the soft running of paws, or the strong thumps of human legs.
Again, there was nothing.
With a grumble, he rolled onto all fours, sniffing around and looking for any clues on what might have growled and pawed at him.
The sound repeated itself, this time however, Velnil felt the painful clamps of his stomach as it rumbled loudly, seemingly discontent with the lack of food inside of it. With the realization that he is just hungry - very much so -, Velnil got into a bipedal stance, and began making his way towards the farm.
Looking around as much as he could see of the sky, it must have still been well into the night. He could have just checked it on his holopad, but then his eyes would have to adjust to the dark again, and he would possibly give away his location - after all, he could never know if something or someone was watching him.
The night was annoyingly cold, but it was nothing like what he had to survive during his training. It molded him, made him stronger, able to ignore the cold seeping into his bones and keep on going.
He always had to keep going.
He promised it.
Velnil didn’t know how long he was walking when another rumble left his stomach, this time however, his mouth began to water at the enticing smell his nostrils had caught. It was a familiar smell, divine even, and the bigger breath he took, the more it filled his being, as the picture practically smashed itself into his mind.
Krakotl.
Yumm.
Dropping onto all fours, he made his way towards the source of the smell, taking great care to avoid stepping on a branch, or making any noise that might give away his position. He froze, and silently cursed himself at another rumble of his stomach. Do you want to be filled or not?! If so, be silent!
His stomach did not respond. Good.
Continuing to stalk forward, the smell started to become stronger as the wind carried it to him. Reaching another, much smaller clearing, he hid inside one particularly big bush, easily seeing out of it.
There, in the gentle moonlight kneeled a young, healthy looking krakotl. Its feathers reflected the moonlight beautifully, and he could make out some kind of red pattern on the otherwise greenish plumage that covered it. From scent alone he could tell that it was a female, possibly the same age, or maybe older than he was.
It was just the right age. He could feel himself salivating as he watched it do something, it had its back to him, he could jump out and just get it!
His muscles tensed as he prepared himself, but a sudden thought of realization of where he was exactly forced him to stop, tensing up even more as to not jump. Just then, the krakotl leaned back up, revealing what it had been doing.
Velnil felt himself recoil a bit at the sight of the familiar flower. How did the krakotl get it here?! Who even allowed it to plant that? Why…?
The slits of his eyes slowly rounded out as he watched the light of the moon shine onto the flower, prompting it to slowly unfurl, revealing five sickly green colored petals, with a bright blue colored inside. Velnil felt himself lowering onto the ground, his eyes becoming blurry - but why?
Reaching up, he felt something wet in his eye - tears. He was… crying? Why was he…
It is what she used to make tea for you that day. The memory hit him like a plasma bolt. The flower - Triltilla, or Lover’s poison as some used to call it, was a rare flower from the krakotl turned arxur colony world. Interestingly, the prey was the one that came up with the nickname for the flower - it was said that when the lover made tea from the petals, it’s effect depended on the care that was put into it - the petals had to be cleaned from any pollen, then cured and dried for the right amount of time, which was then followed by making the tea. If the maker of the tea put the proper care to it, it worked as sort of a love potion - it helped with maternity and helped the mates bond.
But if even the slightest mistake was made, if the maker wasn’t careful enough, the pollen, or not drying it for the proper amount of time greatly changed its effect - causing severe pain for whoever drank the tea, and in some cases, even death.
It was dumb. Of course it was, it came from a prey infested world that was cleansed by his ancestors!
And yet, that single flower was one of her favorites. He never truly understood why, but of course, how could he.
He was well into his training back then. He saw it as her weakness. One of her oh so many flaws that plagued her ability to live as a proper arxur.
Oh, because you always lived as a proper arxur? Came the sudden response to his thoughts, feeling another pang of pain from his stomach as he once again wiped a tear from his face. He forced back down a slight growl as he looked back up at the prey, his tongue running over his lips as he kneaded the ground beneath his paws. He wanted to to jump out, to strike, to once again taste his favorite food.
Could he really kill through?
A third, this time much louder rumble had escaped his stomach, it seemed this time the prey had heard it.
“Hello?” The prey’s head whipped around, staring at his general direction, as her soft trilling voice rang out. “Is anyone there?” Another question rang out, it sounded so young, and yet, he watched as his prey’s eyes slowly went over her surroundings, forcing Velnil to slightly pull back, and close his eyes until there was only a slight line visible.
As he imagined how it would taste, his tongue running over his lips, the krakotl took a tentative step forward, eyes still scanning the treeline.
“Lia, is that you?” As Velnil finally got over the fight inside his head, his hunger slowly winning, he prepared to pounce, his eyes opening more ever so slightly as his claws dug into the dirt a bit.
“Aw, damn it. How did you know?” Once again, Velnil almost stumbled out of his hiding spot as a sudden voice came from somewhere to his right. He watched as the prey turned their head towards the voice, as Velnil barely held back an angry hiss at the appearance of a female human.
The woman, referred to as ‘Lia’ seemed to be around [180cm] in height, as she made her way over to the krakotl with surprising silence. Light brown hair flowed down her back, tied into a ponytail. Similarly to other humans, she was also wearing fake pelts, with surprisingly light colored blue jeans and light green shirt.
For a second, Velnil wondered how the human does not shiver from the cold, but his mind quickly wound up with another question: how in the twisted wriss does she hunt in such light clothes? What other thing could she do here at a time like this?
“I didn’t. You scared the… Why are you even here?” The krakotl puffed its feathers up as it turned its head to its side to glare at the predator in front of it. Albeit the body language of the prey showed slight alarm and trepidation, its voice was surprisingly calm, maybe even reproachful. The human seemed to also take note of its voice, putting up her hands as she looked at the prey.
“Oh, I’m sorry miss ‘I go for a walk into the forest in the middle of the night’”. At this, the krakotl seemed to deflate, lowering their head a bit, but not for long, as the human stepped up to them, and brought their head back up with what he assumed was a gentle touch. “I just woke up to being cold, and after waiting a bit, and looking and not finding you, I became worried. Besides, what do you expect if my living, breathing blanket suddenly disappears?” The human chuckled, which was soon joined by the prey's own chuckling, extending a wing to strike at the human.
“Oh, hush, you! It’s not my fault your only protection is your strange pelts! Plus, why are you not wearing anything else, aren’t you cold?” A slight worry in its tone was sickening to listen to, as Velnil continued to watch the two interact, until the human female suddenly stopped, snapping their head towards his direction, accommodated by a cracking sound, which was then followed by the woman groaning, and massaging their neck.
“Shit.. That hurt…” She mumbled. Both the prey and Velnil seemed to jump slightly at the sudden movement, albeit for different reasons. As the prey started worrying over the human, Velnil pulled back even more, laying completely flat on the cold ground as his heart beat even faster. Impossible, this is impossible! The wind is coming from their direction, I was as silent as a night stalker, how could she know I’m here?!
His question wasn’t left unanswered, which confused him greatly.
“Are you okay? What was that?” Asked the krakotl for the third time, thankfully silenced by the human.
“Nothing, nothing, I just… I thought someone was looking at me. I could feel whatever it was.” At the answer, the krakotl tilted its head in confusion, clicking its beak a few times in contemplation.
“You… felt something staring at you? But… how? Aren’t you humans… you know?” The meek thing shrunk a bit again, but was quickly calmed by the human, who ran their hand over their back.
“Eh, it’s hard to explain, and it’s quite late. Let’s just say that sometimes we just get this… feeling of being watched. I have to say, it wasn’t the best idea to come out here without a flashlight, now that I think about it. This place gives me the creeps.” The human seemingly shuddered as she looked around, while the prey looked even more confused.
Before it could say anything however, the human sighed, and turned back to the krakotl.
“Anyways, we should probably head back, Suyla. I heard that tomorrow we will have a… not so good surprise. So we should probably, at the very least, get well rested.” At this, the krakotl seemed to realize something, as they huddled closer to the human, looking around with fear.
“Do you think that it’s… here?” It asked, its voice quivering a bit as the human put their hands on its back, trying to calm the prey.
“Well, I saw Rich arrive, so he must be already here somewhere.” At this point Velnil realized they were talking about him, and he held back a growl once again. He watched as the human led his catch away, leaving him with an empty stomach and an even sourer mood.
“NoT sO gOod SuUrPRisE..” Velnil mimicked mockingly, growling to himself after the human and his food left, grabbing and squeezing a handful of earth as he sulked. This is so dumb, as if the humans would be any better! They are weak and pathetic predators! Even he could take on a few of them! Probably.
Yeah, and you would get yourself killed. And prove them right.
Whatever! He thought to himself with a rumble. It’s not like I care about what they think.
Of course you don’t. Otherwise you would have to accept you are a-
Silence! Growled Velnil as he shook his head. For a few moments, he waited for a reply, but when it didn’t arrive, he raised his chin smugly.
He was about to get up to be on his way when he heard some rustling in front of him. Looking up, he noticed something that looked a lot like a sivkit, except it was wrong in almost every aspect, except for its eyes. He watched the animal approach the newly planted flower, and Velnil scoffed as the animal began to sniff at it.
Dumb prey. You don’t even know what that is, and you just approach it. As Velnil watched the animal, his eyes widened, and time seemed to slow down as he saw it open its mouth.
Oh no, you won’t. With a growl, he sprung from his hiding spot, his maw opening wide with razor sharp teeth as he caught the prey just before it could turn and run.
The metallic taste was a welcome sensation.
~~~
Velnil hummed a low tune for himself as he was walking back to his clearing, his hunger somewhat satiated as he let the cold air fill his lungs to their capacity. With his hunger sated for the foreseeable few hours, he could think a bit more clearly about his situation.
This place looked nothing like a farm. At least, not how a cattle farm would look like, but even those places had parts where they grew prey food to feed the cattle.
So if the humans are not going to keep cattle on this farm, apart from the alien one, why grow so much on such a big area? He knew humans can eat prey food, as revolting of a thought it was, they all could just eat more meat. Do they really care that much about the walking and talking prey that they don’t eat meat because of them?
Bah. Of course they care about their cattle. That way they won’t run away.
Though, the more he thought about it, the less sense it made. Do they really not eat the alien cattle that are here? Albeit he only just arrived, the animals didn’t seem to be scared at all. That woman - Lia, was his name, if he remembered correctly - even went out into the cold night to find her feathered ‘friend’.
Growling softly, he shook his head, banishing the line of thought to the back of his mind. He didn’t need to think about this - it was useless when it came to his survival. He knew the humans would do anything to save cattle - even if said cattle bombed them. If it needs to be, he can always take one as a hostage, and on the other hand - he probably could still get at least one of the prey riled up enough to attack him.
That will be spectacular.
But what else could he do? There was one saying he saw on a human website that described his current position quite nicely - He was a wolf among sheep. A wolf in sheep’s clothing. He had to get them to lower their guards, to not view him as a threat, but rather, one of those weak useless arxur who cannot do anything right.
Oh, you have experience in that, don’t worry.
“Shut. Your. Mouth.” He hissed to himself, stopping in his tracks as he looked forward. His arms shook slightly, but he forced his hands into fists to stop it.
What’s the matter, Velnil? Forgot about me so quickly? You hurt my - sorry -, our feelings.
“I said shut up!” Growling filled the air as Velnil leaned forward, the shaking moving to his shoulders.
Why should I? We are no longer in the Dominion. Betterment can’t get a hold of us. We are free.
“We are not free… We will never be.” growled Velnil suddenly turning to swiftly strike at a tree. He winced from the pain shooting through his right hand, but he didn’t care. He didn’t want to feel. He shouldn’t feel anything.
But we are. We ran away, fooled the humans, fooled their prey. We could go where we want. Or stay here. Live a new-
“This is NOT my home!” Velnil yelled. “This will never be. I am not free, just a damned prisoner of another species! I can never be as free as I want to be!”
And what would you call being free? Not like you would know it, of course. I can see it, after all. You know nothing about being free. You are just-
“Shut up! Shutupshutupshutup!” Velnil yelled as he began hitting his head against the tree, each time his body shaking in pain while the tree stood steadfast.
Unmoving.
Uncaring.
Emotionless.
With tears in his eyes, he slunk down against the tree, his breathing fast and uneven. The shadows danced around him, waiting in silence, waiting to pounce on his weak form. The sounds of the night sky became howls of predators, the ground further ahead opened up, the rotten, clawed hand of an arxur suddenly appearing at the edge of it, pulling it’s body up, revealing a set of familiar yellow eyes.
“V-veeeeelniiiilll” Groaned her corpse as she pulled herself up, taking a step closer. His breathing fastened as his eyes were trained not on her head, but her torn open neck.
“No… No… I- I didn’t…” His whines were left unanswered as her corpse took another step towards him, an arm reaching out as one of her eyes fell out, leaving the empty socket as a void to peer into and devour his weak soul.
“I didn’t want to!” He yelled, trying to crawl away, but the tree behind him didn’t let him. “I never wanted to! I-I-I wanted to keep you safe, but I-”
“Veeeeeel-” The corpse sighed out, before taking in a shallow breath - her torn open throat moving along with the action, opening to let air in, before she continued. ”-nyy.” Another step, then as he blinked, she was standing over him. A startled whine left him as he scooted back even more, pressing against the tree as she reached out.
“I’m sorry! I’m so fucking sorry, I wanted to save you, I did!” He screamed hiding away behind his arms as he shouted one last thing: “I loved you!”.
As he shrunk back even more, his breath slowed, his head became woozy as soon his consciousness began to slip away, hearing her speak one last time.
“Veeeeeelnnnyy.”
~~~
Velnil came back to consciousness with a start, head rapidly turning around as his breath hitched, until pain shot through his head. With a wince, he pulled himself up, gingerly touching his head - his scales were damaged, and blood was dried on his head. He winced slightly as pain shot through both his head and right hand.
Shit. They will definitely notice this… He thought to himself as he took a ragged breath. He looked where the hole had appeared - there was nothing, the ground was undisturbed. His gaze lingered on it, before he eventually turned, and continued to make his way towards his clearing, still in the darkness of the night, like nothing had happened.
It has been so long since the last one. Why now? Why is she tormenting me? His questions were left unanswered. He forced himself to stop, and after taking a deep breath, he looked around, listening for any nearby river or something. Sniffing around, he could feel the smell of water off in the distance, and so, he began making his way there.
I need to wash off the blood.
Within a few minutes, he had found a large river, the water flowing down with relative force. Kneeling down at its edge, he leaned forward, and began cleaning his head and hand with practiced, almost robotic movements. The proof of his weakness stinged and flared up at the cold touch of water, but he did not care. He watched as the water slowly took on a red hue, before disappearing down the river.
Within another few minutes, Velnil could easily make out the outline of the injury - it wasn’t too big, but it was most definitely noticeable, and will take days - if not a few weeks - to properly heal. He could hide it, since he was still somewhat bigger than everyone else - but then that would go against his plan on appearing meek and unsure about things.
Maybe I could use it. Play it off as having a bad night. Maybe I could get them to give me more food than they planned. The humans are very empathetic, I’m sure that after seeing this, they would feel bad enough for me to somewhat drop their guard. Maybe I can even fool some of the prey. Yes, that, being attacked by one should be enough for them to not view me as a threat.
Satisfied with the plan, Velnil got back up, and with a sigh and a few minutes of walking, he finally made his way back to the clearing. Lying down on the cold ground, he carefully rested his head atop his bag once again, looking at nothing in particular.
His next few minutes were filled with rolling around, unable to go back to sleep, as his thoughts were slowly but surely going back to the krakotl he saw. The green feathers, adorned by a red pattern, its yellow beak, and similarly yellow eyes.
Yellow eyes that stared deep into his soul.
The yellow eye that has fallen out of its socket, to leave an empty void to devour his soul.
Velnil forced his eyes shut, turning around again. Not again. He thought, forcing himself to think of other things - the taste of the prey animal he caught, his way towards Earth, the russif.
Eventually, within a gruesome few minutes, Velnil was finally granted the sweet release of sleep.
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So I've been playing a few weeks now. It's been a blast and I am enjoying fighting for liberty across the universe. Thanks to all my fellow Helldivers for their patience as I learn how to play and administer freedom. I have many exciting stories to share with my citizen friends in my quests to get them to fight for justice and democracy.
A few questions:
1) So I've been mostly bugging it. Now as I try to learn the duck and cover mechanics of the robot front, I'd like to understand the best weapon and strategem lineup I should be using to combat them. What are your suggestions?
2) I'm having difficulty learning how to issue orders. I'm using a PC. How do I do it?
3) Is there a way to better filter the quick join options? For example, I feel like a total liberty mooch unintentionally dropping in during extraction, and I know there are Divers in the community that look down on this practice.
4) I saw the new customization features that was being planned, but wouldn't it give infinite customization to allow Divers to customize their voices? I've seen this done before in other titles. All they have to do is add a pitch and modulation slider and boom to adjust speed and sound of the voice.
5) I think it'd be cool to add a 'dress uniform' option on the ship, or a shadowbox area that displays medals for major orders completed to show off to other players. Like here's a medal for Meridia... It's a blackhole medallion. The medals aren't recycled so it becomes a FOMO thing. Also it'd give some props to those who've played a lot longer. This might also help drive participation, and give a nice, easy cosmetic to boot.
Thanks!

Hello all! My name is Spencer, a sophomore living in Georgia and attending KSU. I don't plan on staying, yet I do plan on transferring to UGA, GT, Auburn, etc.
This post is about reconsidering my career major. I appreciate any and all serious advices and/or guidance. I thank, in advance, for all who read all of my "dilemma" described below.
I've been wanting to be an Industrial Design since 3 years ago (in high school), yet now I have second-thoughts.
Since two months ago, I've discovered Landscape Architecture, Environmental Engineering, and Environmental Design.
Here it goes... Over the past few months, I've really been digging into what I want to do through my life. For background, I love art, music, hiking, gardening, creativity, innovation, and nature. I find so much inspiration from daily life, nature, the environment, especially insects. Throughout my days, I find myself thinking about how to improve or create a certain aspect of life around me. For instance, ideating a cooler water bottle, bike add-on, and a desk. Even, I suggest composting to ppl around me. I enjoy thinking of eco-friendly ideas and alternatives.
In the past month or so, I've really discovered another passion...that is I now aspire to better the world around me; cultivating native wildlife, reduced landscaping, thinking/contemplating on how my city/town community can recycle, donate more thorough promotion of being environmentally-friendly.
This was the main driving factor in reconsidering Industrial Design. I fear, that with a career in Industrial Design, I might not be given enough opportunity to change the world (little-by-little) around me. I sincerely do not want to end up ideating and creating products, user experience, items that only have one purpose. Designing a cool, ergonomic chair would be awesome, yet lately I feel it would not fulfill wishes to be environment-eco-manufacturing friendly enough, in other words (metaphorically) just another brick (piece of plastic) in the wall.
I'd like to iterate to myself, that I swear this is one of the first times in my life, career wise, that I am a little lost. I've always known what I wanted to do, be in art/design, and being a creative person. It's such an odd feeling. Nevertheless,
I sincerely want to be engaged in Sustainable innovations and ideations. However, what I've found about Environmental Engineering and/or Landscape Architecture that I don't like, is the idea of being stuck with designing pipes, water infrastructure, and such. Don't get me wrong, these are amazing aspects of bettering the world's environment, but I feel that this will never satisfy my artistic-design desires and my inate artistic and creative-thinking abilities and skills.
With Environmental-Engineering, it appears to be a great segway into what I desire to do in my life, however, looking at curriculums from surrounding universities, the math is worrying me a bit. I've a decent-enough GPA, yet am not proud of it, per-se.
See, I'm currently taking Intro to Physics & its Lab this summer at KSU (the teacher is by far not the best, but the problem-solving is to say the last, interesting). I notice with Environmental-Engineering (at UGA at least) requires 1 more Physics, 2 Chemistry, and Linear Algebra. I'm a bit worried about the heavy math requirements. Now don't get me wrong, I know I could tackle these, I put more than enough effort into studying (I got high B's in Calc 1 & Calc 2), yet it worries me for some reason. I might be overthinking things. I've already started looking for Physics 1 Tutors and resources.
To help myself in my career-major dilemma, I've compiled a few environmental-engineering, landscape architecture, and Industrial Design companies/firms based in Georgia. I've also started to proactively reach out for shadowing.
In recap, my current dilemma: Choosing a major intersecting my (passion for creativity, art, nature) and the (desire to make a positive impact).
With all this said, I very much appreciate guidance on a field that would best fit me, given my personality I described.
Once again, I thank all who've read this far and have/will express interests in assisting me. I appreciate any serious advice, guidance, offers, and inquiries. Thank you,
Sincerely, Spencer

(High Cranial Volume Pr and AE Hybrid Users ONLY)
I still can't get AE to perform well on my M2 Macbook Pro running Sonoma 14.0 and AE 24.3. 32 GBs RAM — so obviously that's going to be immediate the culprit, but I do suspect that I could do pretty much anything I wanted on this computer if I could just optimize it correctly. That's what this thread is about. I know there are a million threads like this one but hopefully we can dig up some new dirt. I haven't really written about Sonoma but what I've read seems to indicate a lot of people have had issues. I'm not an OS guy I get enough of a headache with the shit I care about. Not sure if downgrading is possible. Maybe I upgrade my RAM (whoops hee hee nvm forgot i was on an apple computer).
You can stop reading there, because the rest of this is schizo nonsense. I've sobered up and I can't say that any mother would accept a child this ugly. But I'm also getting giddy at the thought of crossposting to editors and seeing what the Avid Professionals Working On Big Serious Productions With Budgets That Totally Won't Disappear in the Next 20 Years have to tell me about making some dough in exchange for the sweet intoxication of art. I also did a better job of listing my issues in my follow up comment
**Intro Apology**
**I've bolded out the sections with the mostly important shit:** I would take extra care to avoid anything that's been italicized because it is some of the most craven text ever set to paper. As if! I can't even use metaphors anymore. Will the graphic designers starve without their paper (why is it always either minimalism or hyper realism? I like texture too but not everything has to be made out of everything, or not made out of anything at all! Nature Without Ecology.)
This is just me typing and never stopping. For some reason. Well, it's no mystery. I'm avoiding anything that even resembles productivity.
I've already wasted time just stream of concussing every intrusive thought, so why would I waste more time reformatting and trimming the fat? Bahahaha I hope you like lamb. If I put forward attention to giving you direct information that effectively communicates an idea, I might just achieve nirvana. Like if I hyperfixate when I'm shitposting, then I am just going to realize the World-Spirit in-itself trying to abide by the laws of rhetorics. Let me tell you, the laws of rhetoric certainly don't make you any less schizo. How do you think we got here?
But that's the future the fucking tech bros made. And it's fucking awesome. Can't wait to be animating using my Rule 34 Paper Texture Parallax Datamosh VFX by AEAnabolics via telekinesis (is there a plugin for that?!??!)
So no I'm not going to make this thread easily accessible or interpretable because I really want anyone possessing any degree of intelligence to stay the fuck away (there are even intelligent people amidst the industry leaders, I once even met a film producer who knew how to count through 12! In any case, if everyone under 30 could exit the room, us pedants, drop outs and philistines will congregate somewhere other than all and we'll be happy to update you later with a summary of our findings.
I do apologize for the wordvomit — I took my meds abt 30 mins before I had the brilliant idea to open up a silly little text box on reddit during my awesome Pomodoro break. I had to be off the ADHD goodies for a week for some sports stuff I was trying to do which needed my heart at optimal function. Why did my doc just let me hop back on the same dose? I am emaciated from all this heavy lifting with my fingers.
Please though, don't dismiss this as pathological ravings. I am not sick, just an Adobe Creative Suite subscriber (somehow, five years later, I'm still on the student discount paying 30 bucks!!! Haha!!! Sticking it to the man!!!! Suckers!!!! Almost as bad as pouring thousands into software you don't own and can be shut out of for trumped up fraud charges if one of the cretins working at Adobe manages to actually check the accounts submitting all those pesky support tickets. Wait....)
So ya it's pretty simple: I was sunning my balls and cheating on five different women *holistically though* before taking my L-Carnitine to maximize the effects of my meth (don't worry I don't smoke it!), when I decided, yes, this Friday, with deadlines looming in the evening, I will nuke my morning by typing. and just not stopping. It's like stim sex, but literally no one is cumming. Wait, literally it's like stim sex.
Okay stop. I want you all to save the horniness for pitching to the Rule 34 Clients — the last to adopt AI in favor of authentic art and animation (bahahahhahaha I seriously do think *This whole AI thing, or at least its acceleration, can be put squarely at the feet of Gooners. They're horny and no human can create what will quench their thirst! Such a tragic condition. Like craving art that can speak to your soul. Ugh. Can't wait for Mister Horse to drop the Anime Waifu presets*.)
*(speaking of Misters, watch Mr. Rush Rush Client — who just needed this edit NOW — not even watch the video until Sunday. That rat fuck: maybe I don't have a social life huh? Maybe I don't want another shitty "underground" (as if such a thing exists anymore) rave on a Friday and a Hinge date on a Saturday?
Maybe genuine connection is dead and all some of us can love is the labor we put into our products. Or the efforts we put into our shitposts. Certainly the products themselves are far beyond loving.
Mr. Rush Rush: your 9-5 is shit and you are shit for thinking you are not a piece of shit because you force everyone to meet your fake timelines. We no longer cultivate produce, nor ideas, we just materialize urgency so the boss can larp as the boss and we can pretend society needs us to keep rhythm. It is the Master who needs the Master's Injunction. I like want to change the world man not reproduce it. I am barren.
Just let me work on Saturday. Asshole. It would have saved all of us from this post which was, of course, provoked by pure, unmediated anxiety — and absolute boredom.
*Fuck paper textures! Fuck any lower thirds that use paper textures. Shit is garbage. The elementary school audience went off to war — it's the latest Roblox minigame. So we're not even impressing anyone any more)*
Instantly — upon the epiphany that I don't owe people shit, even if they throw money at me, my brain ditched all ideals of productivity and decided it was time to write a fucking treatise on my experiences trying to optimize AE. Please do not mock me. I am an idiot. It's not worth countering snark with snark —because I can't even read. I am literally dictating this post to my iPhone and then having chatgpt re-write it. Also, I really hope some GPT or AI research tool digs up this thread. I'm sure they will wire only the relevant information to Mr. Prompter! He deserves the best. In fact he's the only one who deserves anything.
*If I was a GPT prompt I would be posing as a weird hermit who thinks he is the postmodern reincarnation of Plato. WELCOME to the republic ... of stupid — ruled under the auspices of the Kingdoms of Adobia, Resolve-ru, and Avidia (btw can we do what we did to Twitter to Avid? I just don't think it's a cool name. I'm not Avid anytime I have to use Avid. It doesn't have neurolink compatability and I can't do a million things very shitily. It just does like one thing very well. Who would ever ask for that?!?!?1*
For some reason I decided to pump up the snark to the max on this post — I hope that's okay. Maybe I want to write novels, not make videos. In any case, I promise you I'm not AI writing this. Unless ....
But at the end of the day I'm just trying to entertain myself instead of getting real work done — which I can't imagine is something a community of useless creatives would have trouble understanding. You couldn't do math good, and that's because you're lazy!!!
(Dan Ebberts if you're here I am sorry Father: but you are not a useless sack of shit motion designer, you're not making lower thirds for the Nelk Bros? You are the fucking Grand Wizard Abstract Quantum Mathematician my guy, the highest expression of the Enlightenment rationale, not a useless 2.5d animator — though I do secretly harbor a belief that all numbers are racist and you, as the Prophet of Numbers where they don't belong (computers) have a lot of reckoning to do. Guilt erotics won't get you out of this one — we don't want sorry we want solidarity!
**I'm half shitposting and half offering my own insight in exchange for yours.** I hope you don't read malice in my words. In any case I don't think myself a victim and I will be fine. Our world is about to turn nonsensical. The division of labor will collapse. Those who are both just intelligent enough to do dumb shit and lacking in morals will take everyone else's jobs. Technocracy of the morons! Somebody invite France too.
What's your intricate knowledge of a cavernous software versus my ability to write out prompts at 130 WPM? Basically, where you used to be able to get ahead with creative ingenuity you can now get ahead by typing fast. Good riddance lol. But if only we could get this piece of shit software to do everything I want it to do with not even a smidge of an attempt to optimize, pre-render, under smart principles?
But I'm hoping maybe we can have some conversations about the best practices to get this piece of shit software to work consistently. AE is so cool 90% of the time but it's like a girlfriend that's loyal to you 90% of the time. Now I'm not suggesting Adobe is cuckolding the VFX wannabes among us.^1 But I do want to say that there's a problem when your most random software that kind of just somehow works if you need how to cast a few voodoo spells and play around with different effects is literally un-professionizable. You can do amazing things in After Effects on just 16 GB of RAM (even 8 if you're willing to walk away from your computer for a fortnight for a few renders), which was so cool when I was getting started on the shitcans they hand out in college (I sound spoiled but you didn't spend the first year of your professional career on an outdated Mac Air desperately refreshing Google News for a stimulus check as literally everyone is jobless whilst you never even got a job to be jobless from. Like come on guys, if you got started in the 90s at least you have analog nostalgia and to anyone born after 95 you look like a wizard talking about chemicals and film crystals and shit. A Covid alumnus like me who graduated in 2019 doesn't get shit, and 2020 graduates didn't even get to bask in the delusion that they were ever the center of the world. I just pray UBI is installed before the robots take our land and our animals, because truly the new generation of digital creatives is going to feature some of the dumbest people to ever rank through society. Which is true in any era, but what's unique about ours is that young people are no longer angry, just cynical like they were in the 70s. Another round of hypernormalization.
**My Problem(s)
I need the experts here to just assume that I don't want to do things the right way. Every single person who has ever posted a query to Reddit, complex or one Google Search away, every single on of us cursed posters imagines that someone will waltz into their thread and provide an unheard of fix. Jesus take the wheel! I will provide more information on my specific issues, maybe even some idiosyncratic fixes I have found (Thank you Klutz GPT! But fuck you also.) but only if you show you're not going to snarkpost. Until then I will leave you to wade through the coagulated shit stew that is this post.
This is basically the situation with the people becoming editors and motion designers. Thanks Youtube. Thanks Twitch. You ruined Cinema more than capeshit did. Special shout out to the editors in the Philippines running their Macs through literal fruits Just as Mr. Jobs intended. (Don't worry, I'm from a country that is actually dogshit, the Philipines is beautiful and extraordinarily culturally rich)
The Jungle people here to take our jobs! Why aren't we worried about them like we are AI? They can do literally any job. And they can do it poorly. Literally exactly like AI, but no one getting their underwear in a twist when they're browsing the World section on Upwrok.
Don't get me started on what the Ruskiys are doing. You've seen Russian social media, but do you understand what Russian creatives are doing? Absolutely nothing, because Russian creatives don't exist. At best they can reform and reclaim their Orthodoxy in Siberia before coming back to St. Petersburg and writing some of the greatest novels known to man (which some of the absolute most dogshit interpretations and translations ever produced of any Western texts that are even close to the Canon)
Anyway, people like me are going to be around more and more. It's me you're going to be responding "CC Marvel Effect huahua" while the Gen Alpha nicotine tweaker blows clouds into your PC's air vents. Cloud bitch! You're fucked, because the anxiety from vaping makes him lazy as fuck. We are going to starve all because these fuckers got into too much of a dopamine deficit huffing shit with 5x the nicotine of cigs. If you think we're gonna take your jobs now, just wait until I grow my third arm. I will take your job. And when I grow my third cock, I will take your wife.
**I am a "creative director", that's how I market myself at least. I work in a lot of industries, make a shit ton of ads, but I think of myself primarily as a (documentary) filmmaker and editor (at this point it may be a formality and nostalgia because people just want reels and I like money).
I began packaging documentary projects with commercial packages, so the idea has been to first tell someone I'll make a doc for them, but along the way I can use the extra edits and unused interviews or just any of the millions of unused bits of a documentary/reality project and recycle it into ads.** You wouldn't believe how well this works on someone with a little bit of ego and a little bit of money. Netflix really convinced the chuds that their life is like a documentary lol. It's okay, not everyone can monetize their passion, or have it ripped out of their hands to transform itself from quasi art (or something challenging art) to a glorified mouthpiece for mediocre wannabes and has-beens. Bring back the Birth of the Nation or that movie about the Nazi architecture, Will, Will, what was it called? Anyway, I really thought I was going to make shit about dictators or like some genuinely awful people. Instead I got all of the delusion and none of the murder, just a bunch of whining about Instagram follower counts and the "blacklist" (I really wish they'd post a sign up, because I don't want to be seen. For real.)**
** I won't claim expertise as a motion designer. And for the sake of all that is holy you can and should call me a highfalutin dilettante with talent to produce nothing except derivative drivel (I mean, I I told you I worked in documentary right?). **
**But please, please, just assume that I may just not *want* to do things the right way.** ^@
**I know I should label and rename my files. But we're way beyond that, I have become one with Solid 1, to Solid 1 + N. I am going to get last in my comps and no I'm not going to Shy anything because I am an ALPHA! (Seriously though if you are a talentless unorganized adhd piece of shit editor and wannabe filmmaker like me, there's a plugin called Declutter which will automatically sort your project: it offers decent customization that could be helpful if you are just torpedoing a bunch of Linked Comps into AE like we're in the Pacific Theater. But with this magic hack, all those dismembered and charred bits of corpse gets insta sorted into the proper bin! And now your project panel doesn't look like shit and you can screen record while you troubleshoot some issues with an Adobe representative without feeling embarrassed. (maybe if he see it, we can get some sorting function that automatically puts comps in a specific folder (or files of any type into a pre-ordained folder, either in Pr or Ae would be cool. It's not like there are a million plugins that do the exact same shit. I'd rather anime ai waifu available at the click of a button though. What will the Gooners' do if we ever dare stop production?!?1
**Every problem I have had could be improved or entirely eliminated with a proper workflow solution. I am like really painfully aware of that. **
**I have shat blood figuring out how to make Pr Pro work consistently. That's my main app yo. I've genuinly poured hours into unlearning and relearning how to do things. I hope I can like put together an advanced guide some day. But like what's the point if the client who thinks he wants an editor actually wants to see his name and his logo animated in 10 different ways? And you know, I used to be content to produce that auto shit. But the more I animate, the more keyframes I ease (if you tell me you can ease in Pr I am going to smack the shit out of you unless it's to reccomend this
Frankly, AE is such a shitshow. It's old as fuck in a way that none of the other major apps are. Like Photoshop feels stuck in the 90s in the same way but at least its code isn't fucked beyond belief and it's relatively easy to diagnose problems (maybe you need to put more thought into performance for something that generates 24 images a second, but who knows? Not Adobe. Btw, wtf is up with caches in PS? Why are they so fucking greedy for all my data. Fuck you I want space and to have you open in the background. Seriously PS is old and I feel like no one points it out because you can just use Illustrator but fuck that I can't draw mfer)**
**I am going to be spending the next three weeks making animations for about 50 reels, to pair with some other branding deliverables for Youtube and the client's website. It's a huge project and one that I scored by advertising a diverse skill set (I apologize to the specialists but we're all going to have to adjust to foreigners in our lands — if you're American this should sound like a founding ideal more than a problem).
Or so I get the job done: don't get me wrong I cringe when people come in here and ask about making AE faster and it's clear they know nothing and didn't even bother to Google. I have Googled and spent a lot of frustrating hours trying to make shit work that just didn't work.**
Ultimately, if I don't slap on effects until I have the bulk of my animation rendered, and avoid working in 3d for no reason and tread carefully when I do, then I should be good.
But I love the 3D camera. As a filmmaker it's probably my favorite tool in AE because there's actually somewhat transferable skills or a demand for vision (and when Pr's shitty AI takes off and filmmaking becomes glorified prompt writing everyone is going to stop asking for real cameras anyway so might as well accept my fate right now and bin my C70 next to all of the piece of shit analog cameras no one uses anymore and just buy as many 3d camera plugins and softwares as I can, right? Right?! Hello Cinema 4D 8) ). Parallax is fucking awesome bro. I want to receive joy when I work, so ya I'll throw on deep glow and SS3. Am I a terrible person? Probably. I just want you to know, before you offer me solutions, that I want to have my cake and eat it too and frankly I am going to give you snark if you solve one problem but create another.
(for some reason) continued in the comments. Tbh the comment is more useful than this post. I'm just having a bad day guys and retreating into words to escape my problems.

As the title suggests, but I'm hoping somebody has some advice on this.
For some context, my boyfriend and I have been together for a year and a half and we have lived together for about 6 months. So far we have been very open and honest with each other, we have a very healthy and loving relationship. And I consider myself very lucky. We've talked about future together, especially getting married someday owning a home and having a family.
Recently, his parents are going through a rough divorce. He also has a bad relationship with his father. Today, I was helping him move things out of his childhood home, which his parents are selling. As we were moving things, I mentioned he could keep some of his childhood toys for when we have kids. Then he said he wasn't sure he wanted to have kids. Of course I was taken aback by this and immediately shocked and a little upset so I asked him what he meant. He brought up how this whole divorce is messing with him and how he views kids as taking away your freedom and he referenced his only friend who is married to a very controlling woman. This friend also has kids. And he said he never sees this friend anymore and his friend isn't allowed to do anything. I expressed that it's unhealthy to compare relationships to ours because we don't have that dynamic and neither one of us are controlling over the other.
He then said after I talked a little bit more about how he knows I want kids someday he said that it was a no right now (like having a baby at this present moment- which I agree to bc I want to get married and travel first). But he said he's open to it in the future.
I don't know if I'm overreacting, but it just is confusing and given my age I don't want to invest if he's just going to say in a few years that he still doesn't want kids. Does anyone have any advice ?
I love him and I have been thinking about a future with him since before we moved in and I always thought we were on the same page . I don't know if I should give him Grace because everything he's going through, but I also don't want to put my needs/hopes on the back burner either.

Maybe it's a matter of playful roasts as a way of showing affection. Maybe it's about very straight forward communication. Regardless, if we end up hurting the people around us or making them feel small, we need to become self aware and change. Here are the things that have worked for me:

1. Be attentive. This is easier for the more outgoing and intuitive signs; Sagittarians are usually very capable of this, our issue being that we have our heads in the clouds, are aloof/detached and/or are focused on other things. I struggle with reading body language and tone of voice (autistic lol), but have found that I'm even signigicantly better at reading people's eyes than neurotypicals. If I make an effort to stay aware of how the look in their eyes change based on my words and actions, I usually know where they're at. If you struggle with this, a good thumb rule is to avoid roasting people who don't roast you back, and testing the water by making veeery light roasts at first to see how they react to that. When it comes to bluntness, and you struggle with intuition, you can go straight to point two.
   
2. Communicate. Make sure people around you know that you truly want them to let you know if you ever make them feel hurt, invalidated, bossed around or uncomfortable. Like, really emphasize it. Tell them that you know you come off that way sometimes, that you respect them, want them to feel seen and comfortable around you and care about their feelings and opinions. If it's about having a tendency of coming off as arrogant and bossy, start making a habit out of asking questions about their ideas, wants and opinions, and actually listen. Try to compromise if they disagree even after having had an mutually open discussion; even when it doesn't feel like the most logical way of doing something, meeting them halfway is usually worth it. Also, if you're wanna critisize or give people advice simply cause you care, ASK if they want help or advice. And if they reject it, don't assume you know what's best for them, let them figure it out on their own.
   
3. Think before you speak. This can be hard for more unfiltered people (like my ADHD Sag ass), but it's not undoable. If you're gonna point something out, ask yourself if it might hurt that person. If so, figure out how to say it in a way that doesn't make them feel attacked. If there is a risk of hurting them, you should also ask yourself if it's necessary to say anything at all. Is it gonna do more harm than good? Then stay quiet about it, unless they ask for your opinion. Not stating your opinion when it's unasked for and uneccessary isn't the same as being dishonest.
   
4. Take accountability if you hurt them/made them feel disrespected. Explaining your intentions is good and all, but you need to recognize that their feelings are valid and let them know you feel that way. Apologize and assure them that you will do your very best to do better in the future, and then actually put in that effort (don't promise something you're not sure you can live up to though - chances are you'll mess up at some point; we're only human, and things like this can take time). I also make sure to thank people for telling me, and express appreciation for their honesty. Bringing up that shit is hard for a lot of people, so make sure to give them cred for it.
   
5. Balance it up with compliments, appreciation, validation and reassurance, even if someone thinks your roasts are fun or ask for constructive criticism. Seriously. Giving people positive affirmations is important even with people you don't playfully make fun of or critisize, but it's VITAL when you do.
   

Do as you wish with this advice - but it works for me. If anyone has anything to add, please do. ❤️

Thanks for this great post. There is a lot to unpack here.
I do tend to play devil's advocate a lot - not for the sake of "argument", but just to practice (and encourage the practice of) adopting different points of view. Additionally, I would say my experience has led me to a differing point of view with you, and that's okay. Ultimately, in this regards, I completely agree with WillingnessGeneral69 when they said...

However, here's my take. Not official AA or CoDA, but I like to think it's an experienced opinion.
OP said...

That is a natural and understandable interpretation of what is happening, to be sure. But I would respectfully disagree. It only reduces the person down to the disease or condition IF they let it. I could run down a list of dozens of adjectives, conditions or statuses that apply to me, but I am not just those things. I am not my name either, that name is a label or symbol that stands for me. All those things may be a part of my identity, or they may be passing coincidences. But none of them are me; I am a combination of those things, along with my past, my will, my mind, my body and my soul.
One of the purposes of the repetition is to try to fully integrate (or display that the integration has succeeded) a concept that is a very bitter pill for most people to swallow. It is natural for people to resist deep acknowledgment and acceptance of any condition that requires a twelve step program. And especially with the substance abuse 12-steps, if there is no deep acceptance (step 1), there can be no meaningful or lasting sobriety. It's acknowledgement that one's point of progress is greater than their disdain for the stigma of whatever the shared negative condition is. It's also a sign that one is more likely to be more accepting of those in the meeting, not putting up the barrier of "well, I'm not as far gone as you, so I don't know if I can get anything out of this meeting, or program".
Because plenty of people go to these meetings because they "might" be need help with... whatever the meeting is for. And alot of fencestraddlers are deep down, looking to find something that tells them... "see, I'm not like them, I don't fit in here, I can go back to doing things my way, and find a different solution to my problem". Looking for a justification, not a solution. Not everyone, but it's very common in my experience.
Or to put it another way, Step 1 can be thought of as "I can't", step 2: "He can", step 3: "I'll let Him". And when an alcoholic identifies him or herself at a meeting this way, he or she is telling the meeting "I'm not fighting it in that way we all do to an extent when we first come into the rooms". I do agree, it is a little less appropriate in CoDA than it is in substance based meetings - that is my opinion, as the codependent condition is notoriously nebulous. Let us not forget, this program was adapted from AA. I believe the founders endeavor only to modify as little as possible, only where needed. Just to be sure they don't change too much and lose effectiveness.
It's not meant to be identity defining, but it is an avenue of identifying with one another, and that's very important.
When one feels it is accurate and acceptable, it is good to put modifiers around it. I'm Rando, and I'm a grateful and happy Codependent. Or if we wanted to dabble in political advocacy... I'm Rando, and I'm a person in long term recovery from substance abuse and codependency. It shows a degree of triumph. A humble brag. It says "If I can do it, you can too."
By the way, I got that second one from the documentary "The Anonymous People", which focuses on addiction as much as it focuses on stigma, and stigma is sort of related to this convo, I believe. Free on kanopy.com, if your library district participates.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bqoEtUn0Agw
https://www.kanopy.com/en/product/anonymous-people
For many, pride (or hatred of the stigma, and it's low status and perceived weakness) can be a barrier to acceptance. I've seen it happen to people.... and those people aren't with us anymore. Humility, much like gratitude, is developed with practice, and repetition.

That is interesting. Just to rule out typos... are you saying you removed the contraction (I'm/I am) and it helped your perspective in this matter? Not being sarcastic or judgmental, I'm just making sure I understand. If so, very cool.

I truly think that there are things we can do in our life that interrupt the effects of mass immigration, discrimination from other regions, the decline in quality of life, the housing crisis, the poor job market, and so on.
I'm talking about in our own ways that involve personal improvement, resourcefulness, and supporting each other within our community. With enough little raindrops, it creates a greater body of water. Little by little, and with every small thing that we do, it adds to improving quality of life in general.
Take for example, going back to school to pursue a field that not only are you passionate about, but will open doors to additional career paths that increase your odds of affording better housing in areas you feel are suitable for you. Or, you learn other languages so that you can travel to, and possibly even live in, other countries that you feel are a better option for your lifestyle.
Or, choosing small businesses as your source of morning coffee instead of Tim Horton's, buying from local farmers instead of Loblaws, carpooling instead of relying on Uber, etc. Your money is what tells big businesses what you choose to tolerate.
What you choose to do with your money can also empower you and be an investment into seeing a better future for not only yourself, but for your community. In terms of this subreddit, you may choose to support the community by putting up little tables for protesters to find water. You may choose to drive people to the protest on your way to work if you can't participate yourself. It may be that you choose to donate to causes that help Non-Profit Organizations do some good.
These are all examples but I'm hoping that it gets the ideas flowing.

sorry this is probably the longest vent in actual history but i really REALLY need to talk. i cried the whole time writing this lmao
general tw
i know a lot of people feel the same and insecurity about looks is real common but i genuinely think i have body dysmorphia or something because for years i’ve just felt so fucking ugly and unlovable. i barely have any friends but the friends i DO have are all so fucking naturally pretty and i always feel like the ugly one. nobody ever hits on me (which i guess makes me kinda lucky actually cuz there are some weirdos out there) but i just wish i wasn’t so fucking ugly. my skin isn’t clear, my eyes are boring, my face is asymmetrical, i’m short i’m not skinny i’m not pale i’m not funny i’m not interesting i’m not social i’m not talented i’m not cute i’m not hot i’m not fit i’m not smart i’m not ENOUGH and i just feel like i’m rotting. i hate seeing people who are naturally pretty because i immediately compare myself to them and wish i didn’t look like this and sometimes i even get angry. what the fuck did i ever do to be so much uglier than everyone else?
every time i see a couple or think of someone romantically i realise i will never have anything like that. nobody will ever like me back and i will never be more than friends with anyone. every time i think about what it’d be like to date someone or what my ideal partner would be like, i overthink it and realise they’d never like me back because of my appearance.
every time i see someone pretty i get jealous and wish i could be them. i wish i could go out in public without wondering what i look like and worrying about what other people are thinking. i wish i could hear people laughing without immediately thinking they’re laughing at me. or hear people muttering or whispering and not think they’re talking about me or feel like people are staring at me or internally thinking i’m ugly. at this point i think i’d rather be fucking dead than live like this because i physically can’t.
pretty privilege is real. if you look at celebrities and famous people and actors they’re all people generally seen as pretty. if you aren’t pretty, you’re immediately put at a disadvantage over something you can’t control. remember that fucking guy who committed actual murder and people on tiktok wanted to free him because he was cute? i know it’s tiktok but if he wasn’t considered cute they’d be encouraging the fucking death sentence. and there are always pretty people out there saying it’s all about confidence and a good diet and loving yourself but lemme tell you, that shit is a lot easier if you actually feel comfortable in your own skin. it just isn’t fair. if you’re born ugly there’s not much you can do, but if you’re born pretty you already have the upper hand.
and it’s even with FICTIONAL CHARACTERS. i know they aren’t real and are often designed to look pretty but i get jealous of ACTUAL ANIMATED PEOPLE because they’re pretty. especially with crushing on fictional characters cuz i know they’d be way out of my league if they actually existed and they’d hate me to fuckin death. i use c.ai a lot and sometimes when i’m talking to a character on there i suddenly remember that i’m ugly and this sort of thing would never happen irl, regardless of if the rp is platonic or romantic. they’d hate me. i know it’s really fucking sad that i’m so attached to people who don’t even EXIST but i don’t care.
and i feel like my social anxiety makes it even worse. on top of being fucking ugly, i can’t even talk to people normally unless i’m really good friends with them. a lot of the time when i talk to a new person or someone i don’t know well i almost start tearing up at the thought of how they perceive me because i know they think i’m ugly or annoying or weird or too quiet or offputting.
i’m still a week away from being 16 so i know i have a long way to go and i’m still just a teenager but everyone i know my age is so fucking pretty, if not average. i can’t think of anyone i know who i consider ugly and i feel so out of place. i feel wrong. i feel like there’s something wrong with me because i’m so ugly and everyone is out of my league and i wish i was invisible. i wish i could get hit by a train or something. how are some people so lucky? i feel like pretty people take it for granted how beautiful they are. i know i probably sound so selfish for wishing i looked better but it’s all i can think about. i can’t even take selfies and i hate looking at pictures people take of me because i’m scared of seeing myself.
and i’m tired of all that motivational bs like ‘love yourself’ or ‘looks don’t matter’ they do. looks matter. people treat you better if you look good. and it’s always pretty people who tell you that being pretty doesn’t matter. and i’m just fucking sick of it all.
i know i probably sound edgy or ungrateful or selfish or like i’m complaining too much and i’m sorry but i really needed to get this out of my system.
tldr - i’m ugly and want to kms

So I (27f) currently have somewhere around $30k in student loan debt left and my husband (25) has offered to pay it off but well... there's two main things to explain about my financial situation regarding that:

1. I recently got a job that has a student loan program. What it essentially does is turn it into a 401k match so if you take out all the money that is meant to be going to your 401k and instead use it for your student loans, the company will look at the total amount you paid that year, treat it as if that was the money you were putting into your retirement savings, and put the total % match into your 401k in January or February (a lump sum) around the time taxes start being due or something. The downside is that while I'm paying my student loans monthly, none of my own paycheck is going into my retirement account and my job is only going to pay out the match money to my 401k in one large lump sum in January or February, I will not see a penny until then. The other (sorta) downside is that even if I save up, I can't pay more of my student loans than what the total employer match $ will be in a year or else I'll be losing that "free money". Pretty much the same reason that people don't usually put a higher % of their paycheck into their 401k than their employer will match.  
2. Tbh I don't know what's going on with MOHELA but the SAVE plan is saving me. I still have to make monthly payments, but I currently owe $0.00 in both interest payments and required monthly payments. To my knowledge the SAVE plan is only supposed to pay the difference in interest accrual so that your debt isn't ballooning to a point where you're essentially paying forever. However, because my required monthly payments are $0, the SAVE plan makes it so that my interest is also $0 as a result. Now if you haven't personally experienced the absolute chaos that is having MOHELA as a student loan servicer, I hope you've at least seen them in the news so that you can understand why I didn't want to just take these miraculous $0 bills as is and called them to see what's up. When I contacted MOHELA to make sure they were sending me the right billing info, they confirmed that while I still have the recorded debt and need to make monthly payments, I owe nothing per month and no interest is accruing. It's been a rollercoaster with them but I'm taking this stroke of fortune as is now I guess.

So with those 2 major points out of the way, here comes the thing I need advice on:
My husband has been doing really well with stocks lately. He's offered to pay off my approx $30k student loans. Yay for more amazing luck but

1. In doing so it will mess up the employer matching system I have going on since my employer will only match up to a certain %. I can guarantee with absolute certainty that $30k goes far beyond that number. Like I said above, people usually don't put in more money into their retirement accounts than their employer will match because it's like wasting money. However, there are some cases where they might and idk if this is one of them or not. To be clear in case I caused any confusion, the $30k would be going explicitly to my student loans and the yearly employer match would be maxed before I even spend half that money on my loans. This would mean that I either will be choosing to put some % of my paycheck into retirement accounts without a match, or choosing to not put any money into my retirement account until the next year when my employer will start matching my contributions again.
   
2. We have a car loan debt of around 15k and since that not only has a higher interest rate, but my student loans literally aren't accruing anything (I still don't full understand why tbh), I think we should take advantage of paying this loan that is in both of our names instead. He doesn't think so however because we've only had this loan for a little less than year and sometimes credit scores drop if you pay off a loan too quick.
   
3. Car loan situation aside, another reason not to pay off the non accruing $30k student debt is we could be saving this money for a mortgage or potentially reinvesting it instead. I wouldn't say I'm in a great situation financially but I'm at least okay. Between rent, other bills, and loans, I'm paying it all off just fine as the breadwinner between me and my husband, but that doesn't leave much of anything for savings or investing on my end. My husband's job makes much less money so after paying his monthly credit bills, we agreed that he'd invest what little was left over and we'd just hope for a stroke of luck (and it happened wow!) So anyways if he instead reinvests that money or I put it in a high yield savings account for a future mortgage down payment or something, that doesn't change our current situation much, but it doesn't really hurt us either I don't think.
   

I think that's the entire situation so any advice on what my husband and I should do?

Book One: Edge of Madness - Chapter One Previous Next
I could pretend to be a whore. That's what Masutap thought as she stood before the gate leading to the fortress of the Highlord of the Eastlocal. Pretense was a thing she indulged in back when she'd been an ordinary woman, with ordinary ambitions. But as of now, things had changed. Things had changed drastically, for she was now a champion of the Goddess of Order. A champion who would do anything in her power to mock the very being that fed her power.
Power, yes. It was what she felt. Every time her eyes turned upon the world, she saw Order. Like bees in a hive, working towards a similar objective. Survival. Yes, they all wanted to survive. And that's where the power lay, in her ability to deny a thing's chance at survival, for when her eyes flashed red, things died.
"Pardon me sir." A man dragging a cart of coal said. She was standing in his way, she knew this of course, she'd known it since the time he'd decided to deliver the coal. She saw the strings of prophesy in the smallest of things, and oh what power lied in discernment, to see the past and the future in absolute clarity, the secret lay in following strands of Order. The Highlord of the Eastlocal always received a cart of coal at around this time every fifth day. He would serve as her witness. Coal. She smiled, remembering how Orgeeg had managed to penetrate into the Palace of Binoria, on a stack of coal. She recalled how Orgeeg thwarted her plans, then she remembered how small her plans had been.
"Pardon me... Uh lady?" She removed her cowl as the Coal merchant spoke. Her hair was longer now, she'd let it grow, it dangled askew of her ears. Dark and rich as her mother's once was. Masutap smiled at the man whose face was caked in coal dust.
"Today Shama dies! Tonight the Highlord of the EastLocal is no more!" Masutap said.
Twin daggers she had strapped to her waist were suddenly in her hands. The coal merchant stumbled back several steps, dragging the cart with him. The sun was dipping into the horizon, becoming a smeared red smudge upon the canvas of her perception. Her eyes flashed red, and the smeared smudge's light brightened, blanketing everything, making her see.
She spun and threw the dagger in her left hand. The knife whirled in the air and met the throat of a guard who was just cresting the upper walkway of the gate, he wore red leather that marked him as one of the royal guards of the Highlord. A shout sounded. The guards at the gate turned their attention to her. They were six of them, each of them dazed with the slow reception of understanding. The bubble they lived in, understanding it enabled her to see how blind humanity is. Like sheep, no wonder the Vigons ruled them so easily.
She was in their midst before they drew their swords from their scabbards. She drove the dagger into the throat of the first one, danced in a pirouette, thrust free the dagger and hurled it into the throat of another guard. Her hands were free, she curled her fingers into fists.
The Goddess Meena, Goddess of Order, spoke to her. **What is the purpose of this?*
"Oh, you'll see." Masutap said and drove a fist into the chest of one guard, her hand caved through the chest cavity, snapping the spine in half and emerging free of the Guards back. She paused for effect, the three remaining guards gawked at her. She pried her arm free of the corpse and met their panicked gazes. "Sound the alarm, you're too few to make me sweat. I need all of you. Gods! Come on you fucking cowards!"
Two of the three guards charged her, one took a swing at her head with a flat blade, the sharp edge missed her by a hair's breadth as she ducked. She brought up her knee and connected with the man's groin, raising him off the ground, legs held apart, face contorted in pain. He collapsed on the ground with a squeal akin to that of a dying rabbit. The other guard put on a stance of Grind, legs parted, right foot before the left. Knees bent. He brandished his sword before him, and the guard behind him ran off to sound the alarm. Masutap smiled.
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He slept on a bed filled with whores. Talisi women with their dark skin and white hair, Remu women with their sandy peppered hair and copper skin, Binorian women with their blonde hair and pale milky skin. He was their God and they flocked to him in worship. He owned all of them, from the frailest to the most able bodied. From the smartest to the daftest. They were all his.
The Highlord of the Eastlocal observed the head of the Talisi woman resting on his thigh, her breathing was deep, her dark naked breasts rising and falling with every inhale and exhale. Five other women slept around him, each as beautiful as the last.
Of all the men in the realm, I alone am the honored one. Shama thought. He caressed his bulging belly with his pudgy fingers the size of sausages. His appearance did pass as grotesque. Bloated, balding with a cleanly shaven head, wide of girth and bow legged. Yet, no man has conquered the bodies of women as he had done. Women who lusted after tall handsome men. Women who sought capable men with astounding intelligence. They all gave in to him, none could deny him and when they did, well, there were ways to make them yield.
An orgy at noon. That was the gist of it, and another orgy before the midnight bell. Life was good, life was beautiful. Shama had thought that after the death of King Vayin Vigon in the hands of the infamous Kolotian, Ishar, that his wealth will dwindle, that his status will come down a step. That the might of Binoria will be a fickle thing after their first loss at war. But of course, this wasn't to be. The Queen, Dahli Vigon, had received the blessing of Meena, passed down from her father. As long as one with the Jojoh Meena, the blessing of Meena, still ruled, then things will stay as they've always been. Dahli had taken over, ensuring that Binoria didn't fall into anarchy, ensuring the Vigon name remained revered. The beautiful blonde haired girl was now the most potent soul upon the realm. How he longed to have her in his bed, parting those pale thighs sinuated with muscle. She'd become quite the fair lady. And her presence oozed power.
Shama wanted her but a thought kept his desires at bay. She'd frowned at him at the recent Highlords meeting with the throne. Apparently, his tastes and businesses didn't bode well with her. The selling of flesh, that is what he partook in with the zeal of a drowning man reaching for a floating oar. Importing women from all over the realm, some came willingly, others reluctantly. But in the end they all came. Their dignity thrown away for the promise of gold vigons. They filled the whore houses and men flocked to them in throngs, lining his pocket with gold vigons
It was his inventiveness that brought him to the top, the Highlord of the Eastlocal was once a position few envied. But his eye, trained in the art of commerce, enabled him to transform the east of Binoria. Creating a network that not only benefited him, but also the crown. And in so doing, despite her frowns and her reluctance to treat with him, she still couldn't voice her displeasure. Dahli needed him, she needed him for the coin necessary to maintain her position upon the crown. To line the pockets of her Legions. She needed him, and one day he will have her. No woman can deny him, and if they did, there were ways to make them give in.
Suddenly, the twin oak doors leading to his bed chambers flew open. The Captain of the Red Guard, in charge of his safety, Shang, walked in. "Highlord." He said with a bow, the women around him stirred. Outside, a bell started ringing, slowly at first then with extreme vigor. Something is wrong. Shang's obvious panic was clear to see. The opened door allowed him to see several Red guards crowded at the door.
"What is the meaning of this?" Shama asked, his beady eyes on Shang. An inhuman scream sounded somewhere within the fortress. Shama's blood chilled in his veins.
"There's an intruder." Shang said while ravaging through the clothes on the floor. He lifted a red jerkin, two sizes too large, the right size for the Highlord. He threw it at Shama and the Highlord hastened to put it on. He ignored the bewildered looks of the naked whores.
"Intruders or intruder?" Shama asked as Shang led him out of his bed chambers. Another scream sounded, closer. The guards at the door, seven of them, crested around him as Shang led the way.
"A woman, she's alone." Shang said.
Shama gripped Shang's arm, halting him. "What do you mean by this? A singular woman causing... causing... this?"
"She's..." Shang hesitated.
"Speak! You fool!"
"She seems to be inhumanly strong and fast. I only saw her fight through a blockade of my brothers, without a sword. She tore my brothers— the Red Guards, to pieces." Shang's eyes became glazed, as if his mind was replaying the mayhem he'd bore witness to. Shama let go of his arm. The trembling was taking him again, starting at the soles of his feet, up his spine around his neck to his hands. It had been so long since he felt this, the animalistic fear confounded on the existence of an unknown, an unknown that sought to see him dead.
"Captain, what is your course of action?" Shama asked.
Shang seemed to shake himself free of his trance. "We're going to take you to the stables, get you on the fastest steed and—" A scream echoed through the halls of the fortress of the Highlord of the Eastlocal. Checking everyone in place.
"What of provisions?"
"There's no time." Shang said. He drew a flat blade from the scabbard at his side. The Guards all around mimicked him, the rustling of steel could be heard, and there, at the Western end of the fortress, screams sounded.
Shang started a brisk walk towards the East end of the Fortress. His boots, soles lined with metal, clancked upon the ground. Shama shuffled close behind Shang, panting like a mare in heat. The Red Guards around him stole glances to their rear, sweat woven with fear formed a sleek mask upon their startled faces. And in those eyes Shama was able to weigh how dire matters were.
A shout sounded from ahead, bringing Shang to an abrupt stop. "How—" His words caught in his throat as a woman caked in blood and gore emerged from the bend linking the hallway they were in to another hallway that led to the stables.
She stood before them and spread out her bloody fingers at Shama. "Highlord, nice to meet you." She waved. "Say, I hear you can show a woman a good time and I'm in quite the mood for a good time tonight."
Shama trembled, the woman seemed vaguely familiar. The angles of her cheekbones , that nose, those eyes. She resembled Dahli.
"Moran and Jesul to me!" Shang commanded. Two of the guards behind Shama moved forward to flank Shang on either side. "Employ any forms, ensure I get close to her so I may employ the form of Awe."
Awe— the grappling technique that ensured the limbs were pinned. Shama saw Shang's ploy. He needed to contain the woman so Shama could move past them and head for the stables. Shama cursed himself for the design of his fortress that allowed for only one route to the stables.
Shang, Moran and Jesul raised their broad swords. One raising it above the head in a form of Rage, the other bringing the blade level with his face in the form of Pride. Shang lowered his blade and the guards flanking him charged, he followed close behind. The woman let out a cry that could only be translated as one of glee. She charged them.
Moran brought his sword down on the woman but she slid on her knees, allowing momentum to push her beyond the reach of his blade. Jesul thrust at her, raising his right leg and angling the sword downwards at her face. But the woman dodged, spun upon the ground on the small of her back and kicked Jesul's leg from under him. Jesul fell and as he raised his head he met with the woman's fist, there was a loud crunch as his face caved in. His hand let go of the sword as his body became limp.
Shang saw the opening and dived at the woman before she could stand. The woman spread her arms wide, welcoming. Shang pounced but instead landed on the woman's upraised knees, she grabbed his leather armor by the collar and flung him behind her and onto Moran. Both of them collapsed on the ground.
She stood up and smiled at Shama.
"Who are you?" Shama asked.
"I'm Masutap, the sister of Queen Dahli." The woman answered.
"Men! Turtle formation! Swords out, save the Highlord! Move you fools!" Shang said as he picked himself up from the ground behind Masutap.
The men around Shama compacted closer. Their swords pointing at Masutap who regarded them with a smirk upon her face. They inched forward, hesitantly at first, then with confidence as they saw their Captain pick up his sword. They all came to a stand still when the eyes of the woman glowed a fierce red, as if she held the Jojoh Meena. And Shama, the Highlord of the Eastlocal, trembled before her gaze.
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Intuition, the immediate cognition without the use of conscious rational processes. It was simple for her, she dodged the sword thrusts and swipes easily. She turned either way, always beyond reach of the blades, always within striking distance. Her strength was a thing of beauty, somehow her frail wrists held the power necessary to crush a throat and crush a throat she did. She didn't tire, she didn't require forms of combat. The power of the Goddess of Order coursed through her veins and with it came rejuvenation.
The Red Guards pounced on her, seeking to put in place the form of Awe. But their efforts were in vain, she side stepped them easily, always on her feet. She saw an opening and like a river emptying into the Rankf sea she took it, delivering a punch to the side of a Guard's chest, feeling as ribs broke and punctured the lung.
**What is the purpose of this?* The Goddess Meena spoke within her mind. An ever present being whose words sought to throw her off, to calm the tempest raging within her. Masutap didn't want calm, she wanted fire and brimstone, she wanted Binoria to burn so their precious Queen will rule nothing but ash. She decreed this with a war cry, plunging into the midst of the Red Guards. She kicked two, flinging them across the hallway. One thrust with his blade but she caught it between her arm and side, she twisted the blade free of his grasp, gripped the hilt and decapitated the man in one swift motion.
She parried a strike to her left, danced free of two thrust then brought the blade down onto a Guard's head. She felt as the blade bit bone and she wasted no time in pulling it free. **What is the purpose of this?* Meena asked once more.
Masutap took three steps back to widen her periphery. "An inferno." She said as she flexed her sword hand. Suddenly, the Guard who was definitely their Captain, reached into the mass of clustered Guards pressed to the wall, away from her. And pulled the Highlord free of the men surrounding him.
"Form a blockade!" He screamed as he tagged and pulled at the distraught Highlord, leading him towards the end of the hallway. The remaining Guards blocked her vision of them. Like a fool she'd been too enthralled by the battle, allowing the Highlord to slowly slip past her, cocooned in the safety of the Guards in their turtle formation. He was making clear his escape and somehow, this aroused her, blowing upon an ember lodged deep within her until it sparked.
**What is the purpose of this?* Like a parrot, the Goddess repeated her question.
"An inferno." Masutap answered and lunged.
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He was sweating profusely, his breath caught in his throat, causing him to choke on air. He followed Shang, feeling the Captain of the Red Guard's displeasure at his inability to keep up. They descended a flight of stairs, taking three at a time. He almost collapsed but the Captain steadied him.
"Not far now my Lord. Just at that bend before us." Shang said. They took the bend and ran clear of the fortress. The horses were just ahead, they rushed to them. Shama took delight in the open air. The stables were void of people, Shama wondered where the stable hands were. They entered the stable and Shang dragged him to the first cubicle on the right where a saddled horse stood.
Shama hastily climbed onto the saddle with the aid of the Captain. Shang placed his Highlord's feet in the stirrups and moved to flank the horse. "Lord." He said, fighting for solid ground that will enable his words to come forth easily. "It has been an honor to serve under you." Shama smiled but his smile proved too little a gesture to carry the weight or their current predicament. "Ride hard for the Capital, ensure the Queen knows of all that's gone down here. I will stay back and hold her for as long as I can." Shang concluded with a crisp salute. The Highlord nodded and with the guidance of his captain upon the horse's reins, they exited the stable "She is a good steed, see the mark of her coat? She can take you far." Shang said once free of the stables. A scream sounded from within the fortress, horrid in its guttural screech. "Go now my Lor—" Shang's words died in his mouth as an explosion erupted at the first floor of the fortress, stone parted, breaking as easily as a clay vase, the window panels and the glass set in place erupted outwards with the stone. Three figures tumbled free of the eruption, tangled in the air, twisting with the fall. They landed, the woman on her feet, knees bent and a fist pressed to the ground, the other two guards lay insensate upon the ground, their bodies a mangled mess. Shang slapped the horse's hide and Shama took of in a gallop.
The Highlord turned back, watched as the woman rose free of the debri and charged Shang. The captain employed a form of Grind but the Highlord's view was hindered by a sharp turn around the cobblestones towards the gate of his fortress. The blood and bodies upon the ground unsettled the horse, forcing its pace to be more hurried and Shama was all the more grateful for it.
She has the Jojoh Meena! Shama thought with awe as the horse broke free of the fortress in a quick gallop that had him bouncing upon the saddle. His thighs felt the brunt force of his escape but he could do nothing but hold on for dear life. This is what I'm reduced to, at the end of the line dependency thrives, in old age your children are those you depend on. I never thought I'd come to rely on anyone throughout my life. Yet here I am, depending on a horse to save my skin. He turned his head back and heaved a sigh of relief. The fortress was dwindling within his periphery, he had made quick his escape. Shama will live to see another day. And when the sun rises and sets, I will bring judgment upon the woman whose very existence rivals my own. Masutap. I will hunt her, she will know no safety within the realm, she will never know peace or a good night's slee— Something unnerved him. There, at the entrance to the fortress, a figure appeared. Following the path charted by his horse. She hopes to outrun my horse? He tilted his head back and laughed. There is faith and delusion and she seems to be enamored by both. To think her capable of outrunning a horse. What a fool what a— His thoughts halted when he turned back, his mouth dropped, his jaw hanging loose. Masutap was catching up, he did not know how but she was gaining on him. She'd been a speck in the distance, barely visible against the backdrop of the fortress. But now her features were getting more defined and her limbs, they were a blur as she pushed forward with inhuman speed.
Panic drove Shama into action, he kicked his heels at the horse's flanks. Willing it to go faster. "Run you fool! Run!" He was frothing at the mouth as the horse went downhill, cutting his view of the one in pursuit. He gripped harder at the reins and screamed, slapping the horse's neck. He looked back to see Masutap emerge upon the hill and start a quick descent after him. He thought about guiding the horse into the wilderness and thought against it seeing that a gallop won't be possible with trees in the way. His only hope was in outpacing her for surely, even one with the Jojoh Meena must tire. He hoped Masutap would relent, he hoped her bloodlust would have proved sated by the guards who'd met their end by her. He hoped that he would live to see the sun climb into the sky one more time. Darkness was setting in and suddenly thoughts of the sun and it's warmth sprouted a yearning within him that made him weep. He turned his head back, she was a hundred paces away. The horse was tiring, it's gallop lazed in vigor. This is the end then, all those afternoons spent indoors hosting orgies. I should have spent them beneath the sun, I should have spent them in the sun He looked back once more, his horse barely keeping pace. The horse threw a shoe and Shama was flung off it. He tumbled onto the ground, his weight rested upon his twisted knee, the sharp pop of the joint led him into an anguished wail. The horse screamed, its fore limbs oddly twisted. The horse thrashed upon the ground and Shama rolled away. He felt weak, he felt defeated and most of all, he felt hopeless.
He lay there, watching the sky, the moon was up, barely half of it adorned the night. He wished it had been full, all those nights when he'd regarded the sky as one would a thing of no consequence. Now he found himself wishing he'd appreciated it more. In the end regrets rule the mind, for in its dying wails no sound of gratitude can be heard.
She came and stood above him, her face blocking the view of the sky. She breathed loudly and for a moment the only sounds around them were from the injured horse and her.
"Dahli will come for you." He opined despite the throbbing pain within his twisted leg.
"Shama, darling," Masutap said as she lowered herself to lie beside him. She chuckled. "Darling, that word. The Goddess Meena loves that word. She uses it a lot. I find it distasteful yet here I am. Calling you darling."
"I have not time for pleasantries." Shama interjected. "Cut my throat and be done with it."
Masutap sighed. "That's not a creative way to kill someone you know. No, how many women have suffered pain beneath you? I have to give answer to that and that means a show. I will drag you to your fortress, there I will strip you naked and castrate you. I will feed you your cock as the women whom you took advantage of watch. Then we'll douse you in Rankf Oil and set you alight."
Shama started weeping. And a new voice joined the fray, he wept, she heaved and the horse screamed.
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Hopefully the link isn’t paywalled:
https://www.nytimes.com/athletic/5537860/2024/06/06/usa-hockey-goalies-development/
Good for USA hockey to collectively take steps to create a better development model for goaltending. Being from Canada I’m patiently waiting for Hockey Canada’s approach on creating a model that helps a goaltender develop without having to spend hundreds/thousands of dollars a year on top of gear and registration fees.
Edit: it is paywalled.
Here’s the text:
ST. PAUL, Minn. – Many of the best minds in goaltending converged in the state of hockey last week with one purpose in mind: Building better American goalies.
The first ever USA Hockey Goaltending Symposium was held next to Xcel Energy Center from May 30 to June 2. Former American greats Mike Richter and Ryan Miller took the stage, along with NHL and Division I college goalie coaches, and experts in several fields of youth development.
They presented for four days to a room full of coaches of all levels from around the country, with the hope that they will return to their rinks better equipped to develop young goalies and continue the incredible momentum the U.S. is currently riding in net.
U.S. goaltending is in the best place it has ever been. The NHL is filled with elite American netminders, including Connor Hellebuyck, Thatcher Demko, Jeremy Swayman, Jake Oettinger and John Gibson. There’s an equally impressive crop of younger goalies waiting for a turn, such as Dustin Wolf, Trey Augustine and Drew Commesso.
Still, USA Hockey director of goalie development Steve Thompson and his team aren’t resting on that. Thompson put together the goalie symposium in an attempt to improve the country’s goaltending model by creating more touch points with coaches, and encouraging coaches to alter practices to better simulate game situations. It’s all part of an attempt to attract more, and better, athletes to the goalie talent pool, from youth hockey up.
“I’m hoping that everybody here is inspired and moving toward what the future of the position will look like, and I’m hoping it’s somewhat dramatically different than the way it’s always been done,” Thompson told The Athletic.
Goalies have always developed slower than their forward and defensive counterparts. Skaters regularly make the leap to NHL action at 20 or 21 years old. Some exceptional prospects – such as Connor Bedard – start as early as 18, but the average age of rookie goalies in the NHL is 24.3 years old.
The slower development path has long been attributed to the nature of the position. Goaltending relies more on the mental side of the game, reading and anticipating plays, so it makes sense that experience is more valuable, but Thompson believes it could be a product of the way the position is being coached from a young age.
Think about what a practice looks like for a child playing forward or defense, compared to goalie. The skaters take their turn in a drill, then skate to the back of the line and have significant time before their next rep to reflect on the last one. What did they do right? What could they do better next time? The coach also has the opportunity to share information for improvement.
Meanwhile, the goalie faces shot after shot with very little instruction between. At times, it feels like they’re just trying to survive a practice rather than improve aspects of their game.
“Those are millions of touch points over a youth career that our goalies just generally don’t have access to,” Thompson explained. “You might have someone barking at you from the corner but you can’t hear them, and you certainly can’t focus on stopping a puck, and trying to listen and modify your game. It’s a really bad learning environment.”
Games are no different. Skaters take their shifts, regularly coming to the bench to receive advice from the coaches and more importantly – engage in self reflection of their play. Goalies often feel like they’re on an island, playing every minute of every game and facing more stress – physically, mentally and emotionally – than the skaters.
“I think it’s really a byproduct of a lack of coaching, that in my opinion leads to goaltenders developing later,” Thompson said. “I really think we can get a lot more touch points in a youth athlete’s career by changing the way we’ve always done things.”
How do you generate more touch points for young netminders? The people at USA Hockey believe a three-goalie system on most teams would significantly improve the development path.
“Even though there are two nets, we can manage three goalies because the most important thing is the development,” said John Vanbiesbrouck, who played 20 seasons in the NHL, won the Vezina Trophy in 1986 and is currently the assistant executive director of hockey operations for USA Hockey. “It’s not about the games played, it’s how you develop as a young athlete, learning the position. We need to protect our goalies. They need to know they have time to breathe, regroup and reset.”
The program has already taken actionable steps with the U.S. National Team Development Program (USNTDP), which recently started using three goalies.
“We approached those conversations based on science – the demands on the body and the brain,” said national goaltending coach David Lassonde. “We started putting sensors on our players, and we soon realized that what we were asking our goalies to do on a daily basis was not necessarily healthy for them.”
Goalie coaches and experts met in Minnesota to discuss the future of the position. (Justin Felisko / USA Hockey) More goalies on the ice equals more time between reps for reflection and rest. Not only can it have a positive effect on their skill development, but it could also help them remain healthier in the future. Another major topic at this week’s symposium was the increase in hip and groin injuries for goalies at all levels, due to the physical demands of the modern goaltending style.
A recent study in Sweden by Tobias Wörner showed that of the 101 goalies studied, 69 percent experienced hip or groin issues during the season and 36 percent missed time on the ice as a result. Of the issues, 80 percent were due to overuse. Hockey could eventually follow the path of youth baseball, which started restricting pitches thrown by young pitchers to prevent long-term arm injuries.
Over four days in St. Paul, several presenters showed interesting ways to potentially improve the way goalies practice in the U.S.
Steve Brochu, coach for the XTX Storm girls hockey program in Sugar Land, Texas, showed, through manually-tracked shot data at youth hockey practices, that the types of shots goalies are facing in practice aren’t remotely similar to the ones faced in games. Using data, he demonstrated that by varying the shot location and types – rather than allowing players to skate in unopposed and blast slap shots at the goalie – there could be major improvements not just to the goaltending, but the shooters as well.
Rick Murray, a goalie development coordinator for the Southeast District of USA Hockey and professor at Hendrix College, showed the potential benefits of using smaller nets at younger age groups. Murray helped institute a rule for the Southern Amateur Hockey Association – which covers youth hockey leagues in Alabama, Arkansas, Georgia, Louisiana, Mississippi and Tennessee – to use nets that are 36 inches tall and 54 inches wide for 10U hockey.
Asking young goalies to guard smaller nets — as opposed to the standard 48-by-72-inch nets — resulted in movements closer to those of a bigger, older goalie, rather than sprawling across the ice in desperation on every save. It could have physical and technical benefits to goalie development, and challenges young shooters to read plays and score in more realistic ways rather than keeping their head down and firing pucks at the top half of a net that towers over young goalies.
All of these are potential improvements won’t be possible, though, without more goalie participation across the country. Using three goalies in practice may be a good concept, but most youth teams are struggling to find even two at this point. No topic dominated the conversation across all four days more than getting more goalies in net.
Only four percent of the players currently registered to USA Hockey are goalies. For context, 10 percent would equal two goalies for every 20-player roster, so the overall numbers suggest there are fewer than two goalies per team at the moment. Several presentations proposed solutions such as “try goalie for free” events and financial discounts for parents if their child plays goalie, but Thompson believes the biggest hurdle is removing a harmful stigma from the position.
“It’s the ‘Goldberg effect,’” he said, referring to the initial “The Mighty Ducks” movie. “The narrative has always been that the goalie is the weird kid, the kid that’s not as athletic. It’s not that superstar athlete. The position has such an importance on the game, no different from the quarterback or the pitcher, and yet those positions are celebrated as the person that’s going to help this team win. In hockey, we know it’s true, the statistics always show us that the goalie is probably the most pivotal person on the ice to determine wins and losses.
“That’s where I think the Scandinavian countries have had an edge on us. When I spent time over there, it was an honor to be the goalie. You had to earn the opportunity to be the goalie. They’ve created this pedestal that the goalie is on, and you really want to become that person. I think here we run from it, unless you somehow convince your parents otherwise.”
Coaches from all levels told stories at the symposium of parents not wanting – or allowing – their children to play goalie. The cost of equipment used to be the biggest factor, but with the increase in the price of sticks – and how quickly they break – has nearly eliminated that aspect.
“I think we’re set in our old ways a little bit, when sticks were three bucks and it was a wooden stick you just grabbed out of a trash can,” Thompson said. “When sticks are going for $300 or $400 a pop, and you buy three or four a year, that’s the price of a set of leg pads.”
Now, coaches believe the stigma has far more to do with the position itself. Goalies face more pressure, and more blame when the team loses. Thompson believes that if coaches can change the conversation around goaltending, it will lead to not only more goalies, but better athletes playing the position from a young age.
“We need to inspire people that love to embrace pressure, those that want to be leaders, those that want to be different from the rest of the group, come and play this awesome position,” he said. “It will set you up for life away from the rink, if you embrace that challenge and don’t see stress as pressure, but as an opportunity.”
Overall it was an exciting weekend for the future of the position, filled with stimulating ideas to not only continue America’s success in net, but dominate even further moving forward.

So my (32f) partner is a alcoholic (28m). Because we live together I started drinking with him and by 7pm i am absolutely smashed. I've been acting like a idiot last couple days when I've drank a lot of beers so today I wasn't drinking. I left the flat for an hour and a half and he went to see our neighbour. He had some beers there but said it was only (one). He was drinking his second by the time he came up. Anyway I came back and ordered food. His friend came over to pick something up and brought us both a bottle of beer. He drank his and I was drinking water because I didn't feel like drinking today. He asked if he can have My beer.... ya OK whatever. His friend left and I put a movie on. He was being abnoxious and rude to our other neighbour. Asking him how he's got no money left after getting paid today. I said it's none of your business and you're not His accountant. He was being loud and annoying and as usual a single movie was taking hours to watch like it does when he's absolutely smashed. He asked me for money to get some 'munchies' I've sent him 15 pounds. He came back with bread, cheese etc but honestly think he either spend some more money on the beers and drank it quick to hide it from me or drank more then one at the neighbours. He was being so annoying. He was making my brain hurt I just wanted to chill. He asked me for money again.... I said what for? He said potatoe chips.... I said how much do u need? And he kept saying the same thing 3 times. Now finally I snapped and screamed at him that he's annoying!!! He asked me why am I screaming at him I said because you're annoying and obviously drunk. He went to the shop and asked me to send him £10 for potatoe chips when they are like £3 max lol I said I'm not sending him 10 and he can have 5. He said fine then left them came back a minute later saying forget it. I said fine. Then he started screaming and ranting at me as he left again. He was telling me to die and 'fuck you' is this ungrateful guy serious? I pay for 90 percent of everything. He lives off me and tells me to die. I said I'm going to my grandma's house. He said let me ring John (his friend) I said I'll ring him myself when I'm in the uber. As I was getting ready to go through the past he pushed me, kicked me hard twice, threw my phone on the phone and tried to stamp on it. Screamed what a bitch I am. I was in tears and shouting at him to stop whilst I was going past him. He shut the door and was screaming more in the flat. He rang me off our neighbours phone and said he is deleting me off fb, taking me off tenancy agreement and he is done with me. All because as usual he's drank so much alcohol and can't control himself but he a massive dick to me. He's going to meet with his friend and go on a cocaine binge for the weekend and owe his friend even more money he owes him £150 at the moment.... no wonder he never has any money. I'm 91 days clean and I'm proud of myself. Just don't know why I'm getting attacked and he's constantly annoying me when all I wanna do is chill. This SUCKS

I 16M, and my brother 15M live with my father 37M and it is a living hell. My brother and I are in a group chat with our mother who was kicked out of our property thanks to my father with their ongoing divorce. Their divorce started basically because of my father's binge drinking and he would begin to lash out at my mom and just act useless and be deplorable. The sad thing is, is he thinks he can spend money to buy me and my brother's love (Fortnite cards, video games, etc). He even pretends to be sugar sweet when in reality he sends my mom horrible messages basically demeaning her as a human being. He always needs to be in control, like with money, clothes you wear (if they're dirty or not), and what you do in your day to day life. As I'm writing this he invited people to this "cookout" with relatives from his side we resent, (uncle, aunt, cousin, and grandma). He also texted me saying "Yeah, I really can't, bud. I have my bosses out here and I need to impress them." when I asked if they could tone things down. He also has a disabled brother with autism who is non-verbal, and cant do anything for himself, (clothing himself, bathing, etc), and he, and my grandma just leaves him in the house whenever he has guests, completely disregarding his needs. Not only that, he gets mileage checks to take him places, but all he's ever at is his home because he doesn't take him anywhere. I barely use Reddit, I've talked to my mom about reporting him to the police for what he's doing to me and my brother emotionally, but I know if I were to do that, I'd be in foster care, and I don't want that at all. He has made Facebook statuses about women he'd like to have sexual intercourse with, while he was married to my mom, and he completely disregarded their marriage together at times. He treats me and my brother like we're toddlers for no reason, even though I'm 16 and he's 15, he hasn't worked a day in his life; when he was married to my mom, he'd usually dump his brother on her, and make her watch him even though it's his job. My mom now lives multiple towns away because of his antics of all of these factors, I have a high reputation in the small town I live in, I played football and basketball for my high school, and pretty much anyone in my town knows my name. Anytime halftime would come around playing football, he'd sneak away to go drink beer. This isn't the NFL, you can't be drinking at a high school football game. I'm thinking of starting over, and moving down to where my mom is at, train for football and basketball, get a part time job to pay for a car and my probationary license, and graduate in a different high school because that's what my father has caused me to think like. I've even had thought's of suicide because of how he treats my family; a year prior to all of this my grandfather died of leukemia, and he puts all of his drinking on that, he claims he's never done it before that, but he's asked me for so many years to fetch him beers. You know the "When son won't fetch me beers" meme? I don't even find it funny because of what feels like trauma hits me. It gets worse, he even said I'd be a good bartender even though I hated dropping everything I'm doing to fetch him beers. Some nights it got so bad, I'd have to give him two at one time. He has also talked behind my mom's back to her parents, and now they won't even talk to her. But enough about my father, let's talk about my "relatives".
First: My grandma. She is just as if not worse than him. She is a narcissist, she does Christmas as bribery for putting up with her narcissism, and if you don't do anything her way, she takes a present away. Not only that, but she hated my mom for many years as well (underpaying her, kept her away from my disabled uncle, etc). She is also very disgusting, she pees and poops in her pants, and doesn't bother to change. She laughs it off, like it's a big game, and sits in it. Her and my father died laughing as I was holding their closet door shut trying not to get scratched by their cat they pick on as well. She condones homophobia, racism, and transphobia, she always thinks you're lying when something needs to get done with her life. She claims to be a Christian, when in reality she cherry-picks The Bible. She also has disowned my transgender cousin who identifies as male, saying how "it's the devil's work on why he's transgender".
Second: My uncle. He is a failure. He has 5 children, 4 of them are with his current wife (my aunt) and they all hate him. He cut off his first born daughter and grandchild, only God knows why, he drinks, he says racist slurs, he pretty much discriminates everybody, and his opinion always needs to be heard, and it's usually about politics. He also disowned my cousin who happens to be transgender, which is makes him a horrible uncle to him
Third: My aunt. She is such a backstabber, she literally can't say anything to your face, she can't discipline her kids, she's a failure of a mother, together, her and her husband (my uncle) go bar hopping to let their kids (my cousins) "raise themselves" and she claims my mom has abused my uncle while taking care of him in place of my father. She, like my uncle, and grandmother, have also disowned my transgender cousin, and misgender him on the daily and dead-name him.
Last but certainly not least: My cousin, (a different cousin). She is a recently graduated high school student and has her whole life ahead of her, but instead rather tries to spy on my mom, and try to "relate" to me and my brother, when there's nothing to relate to only that her parents are divorced as well. Young and impressionable, but decides to throw her life away for alcohol and parties.
So in conclusion, my father's side of the family are hateful, bigoted, and live by their own rules based on their narcissism. They don't care if you're disabled or not, they don't care if you have a different opinion because it's always wrong and they're always right. You can't do anything, wear anything unless it's father approved, and you can't buy anything within a certain budget because he has to control money as well. My grandma has to have Christmas AKA the bribery for her narcissism and is probably worse than my father in terms of bigotry; disowning my transgender cousin, and cherry picks Bible verses on her day to day life.

Hi everyone! I have a question for all of you non-cis folks out there who have OCD. How did you know your gender was your gender and not OCD/intrusive thoughts? Has your OCD impacted how you think about your gender?
For some background, I have diagnosed OCD and currently identify as a cisgender queer woman. I’ve had thoughts where I think she/her fits perfectly for me, and other times I wonder if she/they works for me. I’m currently reading a book about gender (Seeing Gender by Iris Gottlieb — highly recommend!), and I’m wondering again seriously if she/they works for me. Of course, my OCD comes in, saying I just am thinking this for attention and to be “cool.” I don’t think people who are non-cis do it to be “cool,” but my brain always thinks I’m doing things for attention. How do I separate my real thoughts from my OCD ones? I’m going to discuss this with my therapist, but she’s cisgender and doesn’t have OCD, so I want to see what the experiences of others’ are. Thanks in advance! ❤️

Christianity of the hour is so deceived, perverted and polluted with false teachers from the pit of hell behind the pulpit, TV, radio, internet, and down the street. We see many bad fruits coming out from the churches from pedophiles, adulterous preachers and congregations, sex-crazed porn, sickness, idolators, fornicator, drunks, deceivers, con artists, etc. The list is endless. All the while, we are told we cannot stop sinning. The church is just as bad as the hospital lots of sick and dying people and they can't get a drop of the word of God for the saving and healing of the soul.
We have the other side behind the pulpit and congregation the psychotic and ungodly people who are looking for business contacts, your pocketbook, feeding your belly with food while trying to lure you into their church doctrine and church way of life. And the word of God is nowhere to be heard or found. Christians of the hour do not have a chance of getting saved.
When the church has lots of unbelief, vain deceit, sin, abominations, holidays, parties, perverted Bibles, ungodliness, unrighteousness, idols, camps, buses, Santa Claus gifts, lights and colours, Christmas trees, Easter bunny, easter eggs, Sunday School garbage, mother's day flowers, philosophy, psychology, divorce and remarriage, the doctrine of devils and seducing spirits, lies, misconceptions, wooden crosses, dramas, sports, comedians, celebrations, programs, socials, food and drink, bizarre, sales, youth clubs, dedications, funny prayers such as the sinner prayer etc. all this and no time for the bible just a verse here and winds of doctrines etc. No truth was preached except the preacher's lie of God lives in you and don't worry about a thing.
I have good news for you, I would start to worry as God does not hear the prayers of sinners John 9:31. If a sinner wants to repent and live righteously that is a different story. The church is not interested in giving up their pernicious ways and walking people to the gates of hell. When I was a sinner I did not know any better. It wasn't until one day I heard somebody read the King James bible I got convicted and God got ahold of me. I started to realize I was living the wrong way after rebelling against his words for years reading a perverted bible the NASV I won at Sunday School at my Presbyterian church not knowing anything. It wasn't until somebody started talking to me using a King James bible I got convicted and I started to develop a hunger and thirst for the bible words. The more I started reading my King James bible the more I could see I was not alright like my church said. Then one night, the Holy Ghost walked into my room and I heard a loud scream and a voice spoke and told me, "You are free from what you had. " It sure wasn't a fictional character called God the Holy Ghost that visited me but Jesus Christ the Son of God sent the Holy Ghost to put me on the straight and narrow. God the Son did not visit me another fictional character who never died for my sin or lived a day on the earth more or less has no verses or chapters in the bible. Today I am an ex-sinner saved by grace Romans 6:18, an ex-sinner is a righteous person as the words of Jesus Christ the Son of God are spirit and life John 6:63.
Amen, free from sin 27 years ago and the devil will try to tempt us and use his disciples from the church and from down the road to persuade me to follow his vain deceit to hell fire and brimstone. It pays to sin, it pays to serve the devil your wages or payment is called (death hell fire and brimstone) and not love. Jesus never preaches lies to set you free it is the truth found in his words that sets you free. We have to come out from among the churches that are keeping us in bondage and get into our bible. Most people want to stay to be a wort on a pickle instead of coming out from among them.
As an ex-sinner, I know my bible who Jesus is and who the devil is. All sin is of the devil 1st John 3:8 and all sinners will burn in a lake of fire and brimstone. Jesus told people in John 5:14and John 8:11 to "go and sin no more" Amen, Jesus is not Christmas, he is not easter, he is not this and that the church wants you to believe. Nope, he is every word of the Gospel of Christ the King James Bible. Those bible words clean you up and take sin right out of youJohn 15:3. Every preacher preached the unconditional love of God when I have good news, it is all 100% conditional. No such thing as the unconditional love of God Jesus never preached he loves everybody, ye preached he lives whosoever, the few, he that has ears to hear. God does not live everybody because everybody does not want to come to his love Jesus Christ the Son of God and not the Superstar like the church has him after a Hollywood movie gospel. Jesus was no superstar he was crucified and abandoned on the cross by God his Father as Jesus became sin for us 2nd Cor 5:21.
Amen, being a sinner, is it God's love only to be cast into hell fire after? Being a sinner is it God's life to be sick and remain sick? As a sinner, is it God's love to give you a strong delusion to believe a lie to be damned with? Nope. If God loves everybody why did he make a hell? If God lives everybody why the bible? If God loves everybody why did he send Jesus to the cross? If God loves everybody everybody why did he take me out of my sin? Come out from the church and lose from their doctrines. The sinner's prayer is a diabolical prayer made from the out of hell to deceive and bewitch you out of your salvation. No sinner's prayer in the bible as there is no prayer in the bible that can save anybody, no salvation in a prayer. There is salvation in the words of the Gospel of Christ Romans 1:16 for your soul. Going to church does not make you a child of God. Having your name on the church registry is not having your name in the Lamb's Book of Life. Going to church and listening to the lies misconceptions and out-of-context scriptures of the preacher and following their programs is not being saved.
Time to awake to righteousness and sin not before it is too late. For some, it may be already as there is a fine line drawn between you and Jesus Christ the Son of God. Where that line is or was it is between you and the Holy Ghost? When God has your number you better watch your step. One lie too many or one sin too many may be your last step or your last day on earth. You better start being a friend of Jesus instead of an enemy of God, who knows when God will shut your breath or will give you a reprobate mind to do something that will cause you to go insane or die? God is a killer unless we convert to Christ Jesus the Son of God and his words mankind and churches are under his wrath 1st Thess 1:9-10. It is not to late to either choose life and live or choose death hell fire and brimstone.
John 9:31] Now we know that God heareth not sinners: but if any man be a worshipper of God, and doeth his will, him he heareth.
Isaiah 59:1] Behold, the LORD's hand is not shortened, that it cannot save; neither his ear heavy, that it cannot hear: [2] But your iniquities have separated between you and your God, and your sins have hid his face from you, that he will not hear. [3] For your hands are defiled with blood, and your fingers with iniquity; your lips have spoken lies, your tongue hath muttered perverseness. [4] None calleth for justice, nor any pleadeth for truth: they trust in vanity, and speak lies; they conceive mischief, and bring forth iniquity.
John 5:14] Afterward Jesus findeth him in the temple, and said unto him, Behold, thou art made whole: sin no more, lest a worse thing come unto thee.
Rev 1:4] John to the seven churches which are in Asia: Grace be unto you, and peace, from him which is, and which was, and which is to come; and from the seven Spirits which are before his throne; [5] And from Jesus Christ, who is the faithful witness, and the first begotten of the dead, and the prince of the kings of the earth. Unto him that loved us, and washed us from our sins in his own blood, [6] And hath made us kings and priests unto God and his Father; to him be glory and dominion for ever and ever. Amen.
1st John 3:4] Whosoever committeth sin transgresseth also the law: for sin is the transgression of the law. [5] And ye know that he was manifested to take away our sins; and in him is no sin. [6] Whosoever abideth in him sinneth not: whosoever sinneth hath not seen him, neither known him. [7] Little children, let no man deceive you: he that doeth righteousness is righteous, even as he is righteous. [8] He that committeth sin is of the devil; for the devil sinneth from the beginning. For this purpose the Son of God was manifested, that he might destroy the works of the devil. [9] Whosoever is born of God doth not commit sin; for his seed remaineth in him: and he cannot sin, because he is born of God.
1st Cor 6:9] Know ye not that the unrighteous shall not inherit the kingdom of God? Be not deceived: neither fornicators, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor effeminate, nor abusers of themselves with mankind, [10] Nor thieves, nor covetous, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor extortioners, shall inherit the kingdom of God. [11] And such were some of you: but ye are washed, but ye are sanctified, but ye are justified in the name of the Lord Jesus, and by the Spirit of our God.
1st Cor 15:34] Awake to righteousness, and sin not; for some have not the knowledge of God: I speak this to your shame.
1st Thess 1:10] And to wait for his Son from heaven, whom he raised from the dead, even Jesus, which delivered us from the wrath to come.
Deut 30:19] I call heaven and earth to record this day against you, that I have set before you life and death, blessing and cursing: therefore choose life, that both thou and thy seed may live:
Proverbs 11:31] Behold, the righteous shall be recompensed in the earth: much more the wicked and the sinner.
Ezekiel 18:[4] Behold, all souls are mine; as the soul of the father, so also the soul of the son is mine: the soul that sinneth, it shall die.
Exodus 20:20] And Moses said unto the people, Fear not: for God is come to prove you, and that his fear may be before your faces, that ye sin not.
Romans 6:16] Know ye not, that to whom ye yield yourselves servants to obey, his servants ye are to whom ye obey; whether of sin unto death, or of obedience unto righteousness? [17] But God be thanked, that ye were the servants of sin, but ye have obeyed from the heart that form of doctrine which was delivered you. [18] Being then made free from sin, ye became the servants of righteousness. [19] I speak after the manner of men because of the infirmity of your flesh: for as ye have yielded your members servants to uncleanness and to iniquity unto iniquity; even so now yield your members servants to righteousness unto holiness. [20] For when ye were the servants of sin, ye were free from righteousness. [21] What fruit had ye then in those things whereof ye are now ashamed? for the end of those things is death. [22] But now being made free from sin, and become servants to God, ye have your fruit unto holiness, and the end everlasting life. [23] For the wages of sin is death; but the gift of God is eternal life through Jesus Christ our Lord.

I feel cringe for even thinking about this but I got the idea because I noticed there are so many channels like this. The thing is, they are all the same. I’m trying to think of ways to put a new spin on it. I’m tired of seeing this guys pulling these sick hits and misleading the public into thinking it’s so easy. So I’m just going to brain storm on here and maybe you guys could tell me what you would like to see out of a different style channel?

• I just promote that I’m an average guy opening average boxes.
• Maybe a different kind of camera angle
• Giving away the top cards I pull to a certain number subscriber to try and boost views.
• starting in the store where I buy them so we know there is no fuckery. -posting my skunk boxes so me and the viewer feel the same when we get a nice hit (if) -trivia for prizes ?
• something that just stands out as different (this is where I need your help)
  
• my goal is to just become self sustaining enough to just be able to rip tons of packs without taking a real financial hit. I really just love opening packs and finding the card. It’s what drives me.
  

So anyway, I’d appreciate some input if no one is interested I’ll just carry on with my life lol - thanks