I was reflecting about the themes of the first two movies, and I wondered what the third one's theme could be.
If the first movie's theme was about "Anyone can wear the mask,
And the second film's theme was the question, "Can my individuality co-exist with the demands of the mask?"
The answer could be the theme of the third film, "Yes, and if the demands of the mask don't fit you, then make your own demands. I wear the mask. The mask doesn't wear me."
Here's how I feel like the ending of "Beyond" could be, with Rio and Jeff knowing his secret identity by now:
(Voice over)
"My name is Miles Morales, I was bitten by a radioactive spider. I am New York's one and only Spider-Man. I was once told that it meant letting those closest to me get hurt. However, I think the opposite is true. Spider-Man doesn't have to be a curse. It doesn't have to be a burden. If you need sleep, then sleep. (Show Miles having fallen asleep in his costume). "Let others take the weight off you." (Show Jeff as a cop running to his police car, showing that Spidey can take a night off). If you need a break. Take a break. (Show Miles and Gwen together). It's okay. The city won't fall apart. Spend time with those you love. (Show Rio, Jeff, Gwen, and Miles on the couch together). "You see, being Spider-Man means a lot to me." (Show him swinging through the city). "But so does being Miles Morales." (Show Miles reconnecting with the other neighborhood kids from the start of the first movie). You can do both. You CAN have your cake and eat it too. (Show Miles presenting Jeff with another cake saying, "I'm proud of you, Dad. I love you"). What good is being Spider-Man if you can't share it with the people you love? (Show Rio and Jeff watching Miles leap off the roof as Spider-Man, and they both yell, "Hey, be careful!!")
(Show Miles yelling faintly through the mask, "I always am!")
Rio and Jeff as they stare at Miles swinging into the sunset sky. Rio leans her head on Jeff.
Rio, "You think he'll be okay?"
Jeff- "Yeah. We did a good job raising him."
(As Miles swings into the city, he sees Spider-Gwen swinging with him).
They're shown swinging farther and farther away into the sun, as Miles narrates:
"I think the other Spider-people made the mistake of thinking they had to suffer. That it somehow made them into better heroes. But Peter didn't become Spider-Man because his Uncle Ben died. He became Spider-Man because of what his Uncle Ben taught him, and I didn't become Spider-Man because I watched Uncle Aaron die. I became Spider-Man because of what he taught me when he was alive. Just keep fighting. You're the best of all of us. Just keep going. And I always will.
Oh and Uncle Aaron, that girl I told you about?
It worked out."
(End of Beyond)
Something similar would be the ultimate mic drop.
I suppose I could include what happens to Hobie and the gang, but since I haven't actually seen Beyond, I really can only guestimate the following things:
1.) Jeff and Rio will find out Miles' secret identity.
2.) Miles and Gwen get together.
3.) Somehow Miles has made peace with his Earth-42 version prior to this.
4.) Miles adopted Gwen's mentality of "finding their own band."
5.) My theory is that Miguel will realize he was wrong about his calculations and eventually apologize to Miles. It'd take Miles a moment to forgive him, but he'd ultimately accept the apology--even if not becoming friends with the guy. Miles would say something like, "We're cool. Give you advice though? You need to get some help, man. Some serious help."
(That would be the end of their interaction)
6.) Not sure where Jessica Drew ends up. She's the biggest mystery to me.
7.) Miguel would get some kind of chastising from Rio. Not sure how, but Rio would go OFF on him. Especially if Miguel tracks Miles down, fights him, and his secret identity gets revealed by accident. In some way, Rio would cuss this dude out in Spanish, likely after Miles and Miguel make peace with each other.
8.) How Dark Miles and Spot get involved will be a mystery.
9.) Spot will die by getting stuck in some sort of eternal loop. He would basically keep falling into an infinite number of holes and not be able to stop it.
10.) Rio and Jeff accept Miles' secret identity. Jeff would be like, "So you're the one who gave me the advice ----whaaa?"
11.) Near the movie's end, Rio would make an offhand comment about having contacted Vision school administration to complain about the guidance counselor profiling their son. "Poor immigrant family."
These are my theories for how this movie will end. Thoughts? Additions?

Trigger Warning for those who can be affected: romantic relationships, trust issues, lying, deceiving, age difference in sexual affairs, sexual intimacy.
Using throwaway so I do t get recognised by the details.
Hi all, So me - M23 -, I'm in a relationship with my gf F24 for nearly a year now. About 3 months into the relationship I found out from her that she used to be in a "friends with benefits" type of situation with an older guy - M51. They "casually" hooked up a few times, prior to her meeting me closer. The problem is that I know the guy fairly well. Well, the three of us work in the same company, same building, pretty much same floors as me and my gf are same department and the Guy is pretty much everywhere in our workplace. Him being 51 is my one concern as when it started between them 2.5 years ago she was only 21 turning 22 and he was nearly 49. Second problem is he's manipulative as hell, mirrors emotions and behaviours, pretends to be this super helpful gentleman but then talks people down and uses his help as a currency for "favours". Third problem is he's married. He even has a daughter, older than my gf by nearly a decade. EDIT: FORGOT TO MENTION THIS I ORIGINAL POST - he has not informed my current gf at the time they were a thing that he is married, neither did he show signs. In fact she just found out he has a daughter from my mom a few days back and looked shocked tbf. My mom doesn't know about any of it so she didn't understand why is my gf standing there in awe but I did my best to hide the truth and just waffle our way out of this conversation. I can't comprehend how any father would just blatantly go with a girl that's his daughter's age or younger, especially while having a wife. You got everything you can ask for and still look for more... 4th problem is that it's not just my gf. It has been several girls. Once I found out what happened between my gf and him I digged up a few informations and found out he's been doing this kind of thing for years, and he's acting like nothing ever happened. He still doesn't know that I found out and he's acting like nothing was ever between them two towards my gf. And 5th, last but not least. I think the worst problem of them all is that it took a tremendous hit on my gf's mental health. She has told me that she wished I'd never found out and she didn't exactly mean on telling me but she could tell it was getting serious between us and i noticed a few outlying stories when she'd tell them to me and connected the dots too quick pretty much. She wanted to act like nothing ever happened but when she told me it was as if something inside her broke the wall of emotions and gave her a medium to pour her anger and sadness out to. Now from my own life and feelings I can tell that I won't leave her over that. It's in the past, she had no right to know we'd end up together so happy and this could post a threat to us so it's not a valid reason to end a relationship. And I don't wanna end it to be honest. She's a wonderful woman and treats me better than I could ever feel I deserve so all I try to do is really match the level of happiness I give her to the one she gives me. But I can't lie and say it doesn't bother me. Sometimes when we're in bed it just flashes into my mind that this Guy was in the same position with her. That he used her for his pleasure and didn't even care about her after, pretending nothing happened. Also, I've always struggled with young population being hurt, especially with p3dos and abusers. I've got desensitised to death, wounds, blood and all gore stuff (I have worked in healthcare and I'm in anatomy major now) but I can't stand adults using and abusing children. It just kills me deeply since they don't know much better when they're young. I also can't comprehend how could he do it to his wife. And daughter too. What if they find out? Will he just pretend nothing happened? I know for sure he'd lie about it and say it's all bollocks and bullshit but that's not how it was. And truth always comes out on top. It tempts me so much to gather all that info I found along with the girls' names and ages and just to give it to his family.
That was few months back. It hit me like a truck but I went into therapy with this being main concern and somehow managed to get better. I ended up not including his family in the whole ordeal as I have found out that his now ex-wife is not really in the picture and they have parted their ways over unknown reasons. But... Literally yesterday I finally got told by my gf that in fact, her FWB thing didn't end in January last year but instead shortly before we began dating, and that whilst dating me she went to his house again to tell him that they won't be able to continue this situationship. And that she also lied to me that she's never sent him explicit pictures. She did. And apparently she needed about an hour to talk to him about ending it while being in relationship with me, and that they talked a bit about cars and life stuff. Also of course she denies that anything happened and tells me all our relationship was true and she means it all that she loves me etc. I feel like a wreck. Barely slept all night. I feel used and deceived into believing it was nothing where she treats him like some sort of child she has to protect. And yes, of course I was hit with the "I don't deserve you" I don't know what to feel or do. I'm just existing in the mere present, trying to focus on work and not give any signs of trouble to my family. They all love my gf and are so happy that I finally found someone who treats me right (I've left 5 year long abusive relationship before and had been a subject to bullying, death threats and many more devastating experiences). At least in hindsight she treated me well. And promised that everything between us was true. But she was scared she'd lose me if I found out, first of all about their affair and then about the fact that she lied. But I can't understand how could she love me and still lie straight to my face. Pretend nothing like that ever happened and deleted all their conversations so that noone finds out. She feels horrible, I can tell that. But so do I. Hell, terrible is an understatement. I feel like a void of a person. And the thing is I can't even hurt her back. I just can't fathom hurting her but what did I ever do to deserve getting treated like this again? And the moment I see her in person I feel sad but also so so so mad and angry, I don't even hold my words back and I know it hurts both of us but I just don't know what to say or do. I just ask questions and feel like shit hearing the answers. And worst part is noone apart from the three of us and redditors here know about this. I don't ever wanna say this to my family or friends I don't want them to hate her. But if we end up separating how do I ever explain it to them. What will her poor parents think. I'd miss them too. Her mom even called me her future son-in-law, and she's great woman. I help her around the house all the time. Her dad's a handyman so he gets along with me like my own old man. I don't wanna lose everything I've built and given over the last year but it feels like it's just sand falling through my hands now. I don't know how can i even believe what she's saying

Let me start of by saying that I am not shifting blame, I know I am in the wrong in this situation even if my intentions were good.
Sorry for the long post as well!!!
I don't know if it is of any importance, but I am Western European, and my girlfriend is Chinese. We are currently studying in Australia and have been together for 5,5 months living together for 2 and a half months. I know we moved in together fast, but it felt right!
My girlfriend started her second placements (kind of internship) on Monday. Throughout her previous placements, I always made lunch for her, even if I wasn't gonna be home at that time, I always made sure to cook in advance and leave it in the oven (low temperature) to keep it warm or on a plate that's easily reheatable. It's also important that she does her placements close to where we live.
For context, every Tuesday (when possible), I meet some old ladies (basically my adopted grandma's at this point) for tea from 10 to 12. These ladies helped me through an emotional time when my ex broke up with me a week after I returned to Australia (I did an internship in Australia before I moved here for studies) while we still had a 5-month lease on a one-bedroom apartment. So, needless to say, it wasn't a fun period, and these grandmas were a nice escape from the hard situation. Once I came to terms with my feelings and the situation, I just kept going for the Tuesday tea since I enjoyed it and I knew they enjoyed having me around.
This morning (Tuesday morning), we woke up together. I do this cause I want to see her off and give her a bye bye kiss. My gf never knows exactly when she is gonna be given her lunch break. She told me that it would be sometime between 12 and 1. She also asked if she needed to take the key, to which I said no since I would be back in time.
Part of her morning routine is making a late. But this morning the milk had gone bad. She told me she'd have a coffee at noon (by which I understood lunchtime) and asked me to grab milk to which I agreed.
Then I had my online class which is from 9 to 10 after which I proceed to the car to drive to the place the grandma's and I meet. Just before I leave, she asks me if I can buy her a clipboard since she needs it at her placements, to which I agree again.
I stay with the grandma's until 11.30 after which I proceed to drive to the suburb in which we live. I sent her a message that I was about to leave. Then I drove to the store to buy a clipboard, I didn't know if she wanted one with a protective flap, so I bought her one with and without a flap. It's about 11.53 when I get back to the car, after which I message her that I'm on my way to the grocery store to buy milk.
I park, get the milk, and get back to the car, at this point it's 12,09 and I message her that I'm on my way home. I get home at around 12.15 (I think, I didn't send her a message when I got home.)
As you probably already see coming, my girlfriend was in the living room, eating instant noodles. When I first got to the front door, I thought "good, I made it back in time" because she never messaged me saying she was on her lunch break and she wasn't waiting out front because the door was locked and she had no key.
But my gf ended up taking the key (I think she told me she did this accidentally), luckily because if not she'd had to wait a couple of minutes for me to get home.
I was never far away from home, but because I went to buy milk, I was late and she arrived before me, and there was not enough time to cook before she had to go back. If only I would have either left the grandma's sooner, or just decided that I'd go buy the clipboard and milk in the afternoon.
But alas, seems like I am a total dumbass.
I tried to talk with her but she completely ignored me. She went back to her placements and got back home later that day. I tried to talk with her but she was still giving me the cold shoulder. I apologised multiple times, but she still refused to look in my direction.
Eventually, I told her that this was also not nice for me, that I knew I made a mistake and that I was willing to make up for it. She didn't take this well and told me that "we should just break up then if she's not nice to me". After which, she decided to move some of her stuff to the guest bedroom, where I assume she'll sleep tonight.
I tried to talk with her again by going into her room when she left the door open. First, she ignored me again, then she said, "You're right, it's me who's the not nice one, it's me who's being ridiculous (which I never said, the only time I called her ridiculous was when we had an argument about 3 months ago which I still think was a bit of a ridiculous argument)". She acknowledged that I had apologised but said that that doesn't magically make things better.
She's right on that I suppose, and at that point I didn't know what to say anymore. I asked her if she was sure that she wanted to sleep in the bedroom, to which she said yes. So I went to grab the thick blanket from our bedroom and swapped it with the thinner one in the guest bedroom cause I know she feels colder at night than me.
I don't really know what to do or how to make it better. I love this girl to bits, I think she's the one. I know I can't just snap my fingers and make it better, and understand that I am to blame since I should have just been home by 12 to cook, but I just wished she'd messaged me saying she was on her way home, then this whole situation could have been avoided. BUT AGAIN, it's me who should have made sure that I was home by 12.
Would anyone be able to offer some advice on how to make it up to her or how to apologise again?
I'll definitely always be home for lunch now if she doesn't decide to break up with me. I guess I royally screwed up this time.
TL;DR: My [25M] girlfriend [26F] is angry at me and ignoring me since I wasn't home in time to let her in or cook lunch for her while she is doing her placements, luckily she had a key with her. I apologised but she's still angry (understandably so). I don't know if I will get an opportunity to make it up to her since she doesn't want anything to do with me. Any advice?

I've been playing my first journeyman save in FM. Normally I pick a team and manage them to greatness, or, you know... give up and start a new save.
This year I wanted to try something new and it's been great! I started as a sunday league footballer with the most basic licence to be a manager and jumped into the job market.
First job was Dalkurd from a neighbouring city in Sweden. They were in the third tier of Swedish football, and I took them over as they hovered on the brink of relegation. First seson I stable the ship and get them to a top half finish. Second season we get promoted to the second tier.
First season in the second tier, after some good recruitment, and we're fighting for promotion. Last match of the year we need to win to secure promotion. We lose... but so do the second place team. Off to the top division we go.
During this entire time though, the board has adamantly refused to give me any new coaching badges. We're maintaining a decent position in the top division, but half way through the season it comes to a point, and I threaten to resign unless they can grant me funding to improve my coaching badges. It ends with me resigning and looking for a new job.
It takes a couple of weeks, but in July 2026, IL Hödd in the Norwegian third tier offer me a position. They have a lot more money than Dalkurd did, I'm guessing it's all down to the oil.
IL Hödd is in a decent league position, I think their old manager left them rather than them firing him. I spend a bit of their money and get them some good, younger players. I manage to win the third tier in my first season with them and get promoted in 2027.
I sign some good players in the winter transfer window and decide that maybe this will be a long term project. They've also granted me a few coaching licenses so all is going well.
Then, in the summer of 2028, Bristol City wants an interview.
Now, I've been trying to make "realistic" decisions so far, and Bristol City are offering a lot of money. Also, they are in the Championship so it's a big step up, and will let me get a foot in the English league. With a heavy heart, I accept.
The Bristol City squad is full of old players with an attitude, and it's a bit of a fight to get them out of the club to free up wages and money for a transfer budget, but in the end I win and start the rejuvenation process. The marquee signing though, is a loan of Lucas Bergvall from Manchester United.
I break the transfer spend record in my first summer transfer window, €14.5 million spent, but I get some quality players in who are in their early to mid 20's in, with potential to improve.
The club situation is helped in part by a decent FA cup run where we end up beating Everton away 1 - 0, and in January the transfer total is up to 21 million euros. It pays off though, and Bristol City secures a top spot promotion to the Premier League, led by player of the year Bergvall, goalkeeper of the year Alex Palmer, and manager of the year, yours truly.
The Premier League, 2029/2030, the hallowed lands. I strengthen the squad buying Alfie Dorrington, a promising English centerback from Tottenham for four million. I secure Bergvall on a permanent deal and pick up a French wonderkid midfielder called Emmanuel Lebreton for a total of €60 million euros, an insane amount of money compared to my previous transfer windows. The both end up carrying the team for me, well worth it.
The Premier league is a different beast. We struggle a lot this season, sometimes it looks like maybe we'll get relegated but finally we end up in a solid mid table finish after some tinkering with new tactics. The high point of the season though, is the Carabou Cup which we manage to win, in part thanks to some unlikely wins, along with a lucky draw. This means we qualify for our first European adventure.
2030/2031 - Europe
At the start of this season I find the two best players I have found so far in the save: It's spaniard Angel Cañedo and frenchman Nicolas Duboc. Together they form a fearsome partnership with Angel on the wing providing assists to Duboc who can't stop banging the goals in.
It's another rough season in the Premier league, but we're never in the relegation fight. We're solidly upper mid table at this point. The Conference League goes amazingly and we end up winning the whole thing without any real issues, beating Roma 8 - 2 on aggregate in the semis, and Real Hispalis 4 -1 in the final.
2031/2032 - Europa league
This is the season where the plan is to push for champions league. The squad is ready, and the youngsters have become more mature. A few signings bolster the holes in the squad, but then, right at the end of the transfer window, Bayern swoops in an pays the release clause for Angel Cañedo. 109 million euros. It's a bit of a blow, and I can't find a good enough replacement before the transfer window ends.
The season does go better though, we're starting to make a claim to the top four spots, and the Europa League is going well.
Then Atletico Madrid fires their manager and asks if I want to take over.
I've built something special with Bristol City, and honestly, both the money and the players I have are way beyond what Atletico can offer. But it's a big club and a tempting offer, and a chance to rebuild something of a sleeping giant.
With a heavy heart, I resign at Bristol City, wish them all the best, and join Atletico Madrid.
2031/2031 The Atletico Madrid retirement home.
Holy shit, what have they been up to? The star of the show is 32 year old Fèlix, the rest are around the same age but not as good. Chilwell and Jurien Timber are decent but getting up there in age. They have two decent young players, and a minimal transfer budget to start the cleanup operation.
The new manager bounce is real, and I get them from 12th to 4th in relative short order. Barcelona seem untouchable, as well as Real Madrid, but the rest of the league is there for the taking.
They are in the champions league as well, and it goes alright and we qualify from the group in spite of a few losses from before I took over.
But then things fall apart. We lose at home to Benfica, 0-3 in the first knockout leg. We lose five games straight in the league. I try different tactics but nothing works and it's starting to look bleak. Morale is plummeting, then finally I stumble on a recipe that works and manage to claw my way back to the Champions League spots just in time for the season to end.
Now it's the first summer transfer window after I took over, and I am looking forward to rejuvenating the squad and see how long it will take until I can challenge Barcelona and Real Madrid for the title. I got rid of 35 year old chilwell and replaced him with an argentinian wonderkid from Leeds who had a relegation release clause. I sold Jurrien Timber to saudi arabia for 62 million (fans were very upset). I wish I could get rid of Félix but I expect the fans would have my head for that.
It's starting to look alright for the next season. The rebuild has started, and I expect I will stay at Atletico for quite a while.

The EXTREMELY detailed, mega-anxiety edition!!! Major events like consult and surgery day are labeled like this:
——— EVENT TITLE ———
Surgeon was Dr. David Whitehead and I saw him on Long Island (New Hyde)
Summarized list of major dates:
Consult: July 19 2023 Mental health letter acquired: August 9 Dates discussed: September 12 Pre-op appointment: December 18 Surgery day: January 8 2024 Post-op: January 17
November 11th 2022: Emailed northwell health for the first time, they emailed back saying to call. I was too anxious so I avoided it for a few months.
Called northwell a few months later but got too anxious talking to the person who picked up. They were being normal and talking normally, it was just personal anxiety on my part.
October 2022 - Early March 2023: Spent time talking to trans friends and family members about their timelines and processes for top surgery.
Looked into Penn medicine for a bit but wasn’t happy with the surgeons there, specifically as a nonbinary person. The patient navigational team however is lovely.
March 2: emailed Penn health patient navigation
March 3-10: correspondence and phone calls w patient navigation (absolutely wonderful people, some of the easiest phone calls I’ve ever had) Got lots of into on surgeons, things I’d need, processes etc.
Date unknown: phone call to Penn medicine asking about surgeons and possibly setting up as a patient (v long wait time on phone) Surgeon I had heard good things about only works w CHOP program and I’m was too old for that program. Other surgeons I was v iffy on.
March 23rd: Back to square 1. Called northwell again to set up an appointment. Everyone I spoke to was really nice. Could have set up an appointment within the week but decided to wait till the end of the semester. Scheduled a trans care and primary care appointment for May
Couple of calls In between for confirmations. Trans care appointment got moved around a bit and ended up being moved to a phone call.
May 8th: Trans care call: Basic preliminary questions like: Emergency contact, what you’re looking for, are you thinking of looking into hormones, experience w dysphoria or dysmorphia, mental health, and eating/nutritional concerns, things you might want doc to know, piercings or tattoos, do you do any drugs or drink often, etc. total call time was about 20 minutes. Doctor was incredibly kind, I still experienced a good deal of anxiety but the call was super easy, welcoming, and friendly. Got sent contact referrals for the surgeons, as well as trans-friendly therapists under my insurance.
May 9th: started looking at list of therapists and making respective emails and calls. Checking per session costs and double checking insurance. Most charge 100-150 per session. Got in contact w one.
May 10th: Called w first therapist talking about what I’m looking for, where I am in this process, if parents are supportive, and talking about costs. She was very friendly and affirming, wants to have a few sessions to get to know me and my situation before writing a letter. Understandable and expected, but frustrating.
May 15th: Primary care appointment: Went to northwell health primary care, parkinglot was a little scary (just a large lot with a lot of cars) but everyone working there’s is super kind. Office is incredibly affirming, pride flags and lgbtq+ art everywhere. Gave my insurance card, filled out some paper work, got called in pretty quickly. I have a needle phobia and medical trauma so I was panicking a bit in the office, nurse was good w me about it and doctor was very kind, I just requested to not have any blood work done that day and that was totally fine, so I could schedule that at a later date and go w a friend. Recommended to get blood work done before scheduling a consult w a surgeon. Also prescribed me a single dose anxiety med for the bloodwork which I was very happy about. I found over time that the anxiety meds unfortunately do little to nothing for my panic attacks personally when it comes to needles but regardless having a doctor acknowledge and respect that fear and listen to me was incredibly helpful and reassuring.
May 30th: Got blood work done in a different lab, went w a friend. Scheduling for that is super easy, I think I did it online actually I don’t entirely recall. they do take walk ins but I made an appointment to minimize complications and make sure I could prepare properly. Front desk/lobby area was a little spooky, but I think that is mainly just bc of my social anxiety. They take a urine sample, you give them your prescription, eventually they call you over for blood work. Quick and easy, tech was v nice and having a friend with me was incredibly helpful. Probably the best I’ve ever done with a needle despite the fact that I did still panic and get very lightheaded lol.
Got blood work results back within the next couple days, all looks a-okay! Neat :)
June 15th This day was incredibly difficult. I had my first session with a therapist to establish some ground knowledge around my dysphoria and the way that I view myself. Top surgery is something that I know from research and related experience Can be difficult and expensive to get and can take time, so much of my prep work has been on the understanding of taking things a step at a time and just knowing that the current way things are doesn’t have to be forever. It allowed me to be able to live with myself while prioritizing my health better. This read to the therapist as “not having the level of dysphoria [she’s] come to expect and look for in someone who is trans” and was largely based off the fact that I don’t want to go on hrt. Past that point I started to break down because now my method of learning to live with myself felt like it was actively going to work against me and prevent me from getting top surgery. I’m not good at talking about my dysphoria, I can’t imagine it’s easy for anyone, especially to a stranger I just met. It was rough, and I felt incredibly mentally drained after ending the session.
June 19th Called it quits with the first therapist, I felt incredibly disrespected and the one session we had put me in a mental spiral for days. It can feel some times in this process like the people you have to get permission from need you to be severely depressed and unable to wait another second for this procedure just in order to take you seriously.
After I left that therapist, I immediately got back to the list to find someone new. Spoke to a new therapist via email, but my insurance is kinda weird (Blue Cross Blue Shield out of state) so its off putting to some people. This therapist recommended I go through the office she started out at (Heart and Soul Counseling)
————- Time Skip ——————
IM BACK its time for some record keeping. Got super overwhelmed and lost the energy to document my process for some time so here goes.
HEART AND SOUL COUNSELING: My experience w/ this therapy office was mostly good. The person in charge, Jesse, was absolutely lovely and responsive. Never spoke in person, but any text/email interaction was prompt, respectful, and kind. The office is stellar with email/text communication, so I only ever had to call them once when I was initially inquiring about the office. This is something I wish all therapy/counseling centers did better, eliminated a ton of my anxiety and hesitation to speak to therapists.
I got set up w someone as quickly as possible and established what my goal was (to acquire letter document for my surgery team). I attended multiple session w the therapist, she was a kind lady but the sessions were unfortunately p miserable for me. We didn’t fit well, but I was willing to stick it out rather than backtrack on my process. She also did not invalidate me or accuse me of not being trans which was a major step up from my first therapy experience. Once I acquired my letter I did stop therapy there, I kindly explained to the therapist that it wasn’t a good match, but I may honestly explore my options at the office in the future. Receptionist there was also lovely and they had a cool fish tank.
———- CONSULT STARTS HERE —————
July 19th: CONSULT!!! My mama and I went to Dr. David Whiteheads office for a consult. Parking was a nightmare so I’m super glad I didn’t have to drive for this one (ty mama). Consult went really well, and the staff were all super friendly. Dr. Whitehead is cool, very chill energy and a bit intimidating, but I’m scared of everyone so that’s nothing new. First question he asked me is what I wanted/what he could do for me which caught me more off guard than it should have? I didn’t realize going into this process how many times people ask you what you’re having done even if it’s already written down, because there’s so much variety in what you can look for in the results.
We talked about the procedure, went through a slideshow n stuff, and discussed how I wanted a flat chest w/ no nipple preservation. They made sure to specify that my mental health professional letter had to include that I did not want nipple preservation because thats technically a “non-standard” appearance. Also had the first breast exam I’ve ever had in my life. Can’t say i’m a fan (not that I need to worry about that anymore!) Took pictures n measurements n such, and also discussed recovery supplies and care w me and my mom.
August 9th: After a plethora of painfully awkward therapy sessions, a decent amount of crying, and a couple breakdowns in friends cars/backyards, I got my therapist letter and sent it to the surgeons office. It ended up needing minor revisions to which I contacted Jesse from Heart and Soul and he got me the revised letter immediately. Unfortunately the surgical coordinator was out of office for the rest of the month the next day ;w;. Is how it be.
September 12th: Got a call from Surgical coordinator mid-painting class that I stepped out to take. Started discussing surgical dates!! She was kind enough to email the dates to me which was lovely because I was absolutely shaking/mind blank haha. There was an option for January 8th which felt like an absolute miracle the way it would work with my school schedule. It would give me a solid two weeks recovery time before spring semester began. Because it would be a couple months out, I was asked to contact her in the second week of October to submit documents to insurance.
(Timeline note: earliest date offered was in early December)
October 10th: Documents sent to insurance, predetermination started
October 30th: Received mail from my insurance approving my procedure as medically necessary (YAY) But! This is also where things get,,, fun! Dr Whitehead’s surgical coordinator, Alyssa, is a blessing and was very helpful and prompt with me despite the fact that I had to email her pretty constantly during this general time which I still feel bad about.
Around this time, my mom got diagnosed with breast cancer, which I reported to the surgical coordinator because it influences my family history (grandmother also had breast cancer). It was asked that I get genetic testing done because this could impact my surgical procedure. Now I’m handling the setup on this between helping my mom in her process setting up consults and considering her options because there of course is a lot of crossover to the steps I’ve already completed and am familiar with.
November 1st: Very kind person at cancer genetics calls me, sends me a family history questionnaire to fill out before I can be scheduled to see a genetic counselor. Filled out the questionnaire the same day.
November 8th: Called cancer genetics to check about scheduling, office was not open so left a message. Got a call back later in the day. I have a virtual appointment with a Genetic counselor Tuesday the 14th. Current plan is a mailed saliva genetic test but I’m going to ask if theres anything I can do to get results/materials quicker. If I can’t get results/feedback by December 8th my surgery date may get deferred.
Trying not to stress too much because there is little to nothing I can do about this, and I just don’t want to be sad. I’ve kept telling myself throughout this process to not get excited and not let myself believe anything is solid because something could happen at any time that might mess up my schedule or plan, and If I convince myself I’m in the clear, those changes will hurt a lot more. So far I think thats been a good move, because this really sucks.
My surgery date is still officially scheduled as of now as well as my first post-op. I will also ideally have pre-surgical testing done December 18th should I be cleared by genetics in time (Fingers crossed!)
ALSO! Def lean on friends if/when you can during this process. It can absolutely be challenging, and having a support system is incredibly important and helpful. I’m super lucky to have really lovely and supportive friends that are around to listen to me and send me pictures of stupid little animals.
November 9th: My mama is scheduled for her double mastectomy on December 4th
November 10th: Did some shopping with my mama for recovery supplies for double mastectomy/top surgery. Having watched a million and a half transition/top surgery videos and tiktoks and having read all the blogs and posts and tweets makes you a great support for someone suddenly faced with an upcoming double mastectomy! We might go shopping this weekend for some button ups and zip ups for her, clothes shopping is better done when you can try stuff on
November 14th: Meeting w genetic counselor: Victoria Webb, one of the loveliest medical care workers I’ve ever met. Had a virtual appointment with her to discuss and set up genetic testing. I explained to her about my situation w the proximity of my surgery and tight deadline as well as my willingness to do a blood test instead of a saliva kit to get results quicker. She was so incredibly kind and good with me, ended up being able to do a saliva kit and get results in time she deserves every good thing in life.
December 18th: pre-surgical testing: This was at the main hospital, everyone was really nice but I had a really bad panic attack despite being on Xanax.
The process is sort of like getting a physical. Measurements like weight and blood pressure get taken, lots of preliminary health questions. The people working with me were really kind and I was very open with them about my anxiety, it was visually apparent though anyway because I started crying the second we even started talking about the blood draw.
Once the equipment was actually brought into the room I started to panic. Both of the women working with me were really kind and helpful and tried to distract me and keep me talking the entire time, but I did still have a really horrible panic attack. Every muscle in my body locked up and I lost all my color, took a bit to get back to a spot where I could move and talk properly because my speech was affected too. It was a bit scary but funny to think about in post. Thanked the medical staff for being patient w me as always, a good portion of the anxiety is also guilt about making things harder for them. Got through it tho. Def eat before presurgical if allowed, I didn’t and that probably didn’t help!!
———- SURGERY DAY ————-
January 8th:
Ok so surgery day:
This day was very scary. Got my phone call the Friday prior for my surgery time which ended up being 1pm and I was asked to arrive around 11. Got there at 10 and went in at 10:30.
Called up to check in then in waiting room till someone brought me back to change. I told her right away about my anxiety with the iv bc that’s legit all I could think about. Got changed right after. I was generally shaky and a little disoriented the entire time because I was panicking but everyone was very patient with me. Clothes and belongings go in a bag in a locker and you get two gowns one that faces back and one that faces front. I was given underwear and a pad as well because lucky me I got my period a couple days before my surgery.
The pre-op area is a lot of little cubicles with curtain divider things, blue soft chairs, and medical equipment. Everyone I met and spoke to was very kind, but any time someone even suggested starting my iv I would panic. I was informed it would have to be placed in my hand and that terrified me, I’m especially anxious and sensitive about my hands and fingers. I think doctors and nurses tend to misunderstand exactly where my fear is with needles and ivs. It isn’t the pain that scares me, but the concept of veins and and anything being in them. Even writing this right now is horrible so I’m going to stop w any further detail. I spent the entire two-ish hours of pre-op absolutely terrified about this iv.
I wasn’t really keeping track of time but dr whitehead came in to do markings for surgery. They had cool rainbow socks on,big fan. Having your chest drawn on and just like, moved around n shit is such an experience. Felt bad because I kept losing my balance but doctor Whitehead is cool and I am 98% less scared about them now.
Probably my most favorite person I met during my entire hospital experience was the anesthesiologist. I know he told me what his name was but I couldn’t focus on or retain information at the time. He told me we could essentially put me to sleep with gas before putting the iv in and for the first time in probably a solid week I felt like I could calm down a little. He took a look at my hand and arm to check my veins which always does freak me out a bit but I’m more used to that kind of thing at this point and I know nothing bad is going to happen. One of the nurses came in with the iv equipment and he let her know that were going to wait till in the or which was also incredibly helpful because I absolutely panicked when I saw that little supply kit again.
V nice lady brought me into the or, I’d never been in one before it was cool. They had a little music speaker which was really cool. Took off blue jacket gown and they helped me onto the table. They put a warm blanket over my legs and my chest to help me calm down. Before long they gave me a mask w fun happy sleepy time gas, they let me keep my arms on my chest for a while which was really nice because I was still scared. I started getting loopy pretty fast but I still heard when someone mentioned where the iv equipment was and panicked a little because of that. I remember feeling them take my hand for that but never actually felt anything happen. Just some fear but the gas was v helpful obvi. Someone said they would see me in a little bit, and then I was groggily waking up in recovery.
Recovery was a little rough bc the iv was still there (fully wrapped up so I couldn’t see it though which was rad) but I was still really anxious about it until it was taken out and when it was taken out. For anyone that struggles w this i did not feel them remove it, just the tape. Everything was mentally much easier after that. After a while, going over instructions w parents, a cracker , some ginger ale and some juice, my dad helped me Get dressed and I was helped out to the car in a wheel chair. Ride was smooth bc of remaining numbness and meds except a few Bumps in the road
TOP SURGERY GOTTEN
My post op date was scheduled for Jan 17th and that’s the day I got my drains out followed by several post op check-ins. First week of recovery was miserable but things exponentially approved each day past that, and I went back to school in person two weeks post-op with driving and item-carrying assistance from friends!
Will upload recovery notes at a later date! Feel free to message me with any questions, more than happy to answer and give info! I’m a bit over four months out from surgery now and thriving 🥳

Every day I’m stressed, can hardly get any sleep because it keeps me up at night, leading to more stress. I just feel very scared and have no one to talk to. I feel like a failure and feel ashamed to look at myself. I’m usually an overachiever, in high school i was within the top 10% of students, but second semester as a freshman i failed a class and took it extremely hard. On top of that, my grades in the other classes weren’t the best and were made even worse when i was panicking trying to pass that class i failed, to the point i got put on academic probation. The class seemed easy at first so i guess i didn’t take it too seriously later when it got very hard. Then the next quarter comes and i still feel like trash for what i did. I feel like a disappointment to all my friends, family, old teachers who want to see me succeed, everyone. I feel like ive betrayed them by not doing well when they’ve supported me all the way here. Having all these thoughts made me have some kind of distancing effect with my work, my brain just shut down and i couldnt focus on it. On top of that i got a very bad cold the first couple weeks and couldnt really show up to class. So nearly a month goes by of not really doing anything and ive been cramming in all my studying for midterms after reality hit me. I do horrible on a midterm and not that well on another. One of the classes im very likely to fail, and another ill probably barely pass. I know it’s my own fault and i just don’t know what to do, this stress is just taking a toll on me. My future seems uncertain and i feel depressed because of this. I don’t find joy in the hobbies i used to do, i have no friends to talk to, my dad is usually too busy to talk and my mom hates me, i just feel so alone and scared. My gpa this quarter will probably be worse than last quarter so since im already on academic probation, i might get disqualified from attending ucsc, or might not get any financial aid which basically means i cant attend either. Im just breaking down right now thinking about this, been on my mind every day and i cant sleep I’ve ruined everything and this feels like the end. I just wish i had another chance to prove myself

I finally moved out MNParent house after so long of waiting, been pain with Ikia construction and getting my things in one place it’s great parents on holiday so I can do multiple trips with out there aura.
I have been thinking of going low/limited contact but it feel daunting, and my main issue is the car and that they will know my address when I have to add my new address to car insurance.
I am hoping to get back into job hunting to find staty higher income so I can one day afford my own car and insurance to be completely independent from their wimms.
Well it been good so far and feel less stressful then I have ever been at old place. I can’t wait to hopefully get therapy so I can start my healing and improve who I am and to become me once more.
Still feel foggy and groggy. I was told it take time to settle into new place.

Hello
25F, 130lbs, 5’10”, no tobacco, MMJ user, hydrocodone and oxyxodone as needed, cyclobenzaprine, protonix
If you read this thank you so much because I’m absolutely desperate and my doctors are tired of me and I think they think I only want pain meds. I don’t, I just want to feel better. I have a huge stash of emergency oxycodone anyway so I barely even need them for that.
On 12/15 I fell down the stairs and hit the lower of my middle back quite hard. 12/19 I had a LEEP done, 01/06 I came down with extreme urinary issues and between then and now have been back 6 times, seen 4 specialists and have seen my PCP at least ten times for urine samples. I’ve also only been able to attend my full time job for 43 days so far this year and have no more money for copays and if it weren’t for my ADA paperwork, I’d have been fired a long time ago
Over the last two weeks, it’s been taking me up to two hours to produce urine while having a full (and very sore - mostly left side) bladder. This is infuriating. When I do end up finally feeling the need to release, I have less than 3 minutes to get to a restroom before my vision starts going spotty from the bladder pressure pain.
My urologist ordered a cystoscopy, but has been blaming my 3mm kidney stone until I begged for an ultrasound last month of my bladder. Found bladder wall thickening and bladder cyst / possible urachal remnant.
I found out what Cuada equina is today. I learned that it is very very commonly missed. I can barely walk, and at the music festival I went to over the weekend I had to use ADA for just about everything. I look completely normal so I got judged pretty hard, but I do have paperwork. I have been losing weight without much diet change and my back has been killing me as well. I feel so weak. My urine flow is so small compared to what it used to be. I had a period of time where the pain was so bad, I couldn’t feel my clitoris or labia at all so sex was pointless as well, and I thought I’d lose my relationship and be alone forever. They send me to an OB-Oncologist who said not to come back, which is why my urologist finally agreed to check my bladder.
Is it possible that all my issues are related to the cyst and thickening, or could this be cuada equina that was missed on multiple CT’s? I can’t find info on bladder cysts. using retention. When is the appropriate time to go to the hospital? I can barely walk without pain meds. I urinated about 40 times on Saturday, with my usual being 10-20 times, and some days there’s very little pain or urgency at all, but the retention is almost always there to some extent.
It almost feels like the part of my brain that controls my bladder doesn’t work anymore because no matter how hard I tell my bladder to release, it just doesn’t happen sometimes and I can’t get comfortable after that. I’ve slept a total of 4 hours since Saturday morning and I only have one hydrocodone left. Pyridium does NOTHING except for when burning pain presents, and I can’t take NSAIDS until my GI clears me due to extreme gas, constipation and bloating / belching thought to be caused by peptic ulcers. I can’t walk at this point without pain meds, but the ER always releases me with the same DX of cyst and bladder wall thickening and tells me they have no clue what that means. But I’m in so much pain I feel like there has to be something they can do other than give me fluids and monitor me for an hour or two until I can get to my cystoscopy next week.
If you have any advice for me I really appreciate it. I don’t want to die but I feel the only way out of lifelong urinary pain after 6 months now is suicide. The only time suicide doesn’t cross my mind a couple times is when I do end up having to take a pain pill. In March, I had to take oxy every day. I only take them now when I can’t walk because the effects are too strong for me to keep my life in order while taking them every day. But this weekend I have had the most trouble walking, and using the restroom, since all of these issues began.
I can’t afford any more specialists visits after my procedure, so I really wish the ER could do something for me as they’re the only ones who won’t turn me away for not having money at this point. My GI doc actually canceled my appointment because I don’t have $20 and I’ve been putting off another ultrasound because it’s $200 up front. IDK what to do but I’m pretty sure this is how a lot of people end up on fent and heroin - if I had been denied pain meds this far I would have turned to the streets, and that’s coming from someone who has chosen - on their own - to quit most drug related and extracurricular activities to better their life at a young age and is much happier for it.
I can’t even get the ER to catheterize me when I can’t urinate for 6+ hours at a time. What gives? Why won’t they run a different imaging test? They wouldn’t even give me a breath test for h pylori recently and now I’m waiting a month for an appointment I can’t even afford.
TL;DR extreme bladder pain, nobody understands why, extreme difficulty urinating, ER can’t do anything for me and awaiting surgery. Is there anything I can say or do to get proper medical attention or can the ER really not touch your bladder like they say? Is there a way I can convince them to admit me so I could see a urologist before my procedure? My urologist is unavailable until my follow-up and I don’t think the company they work for allows them to Rx narcotics and I’m against taking more than 1 oxycodone a week at this point but so far have been unsuccessful in getting something weaker like hydro or tramadol.

Part 1
I ended up buying a house at the edge of this town.... before i knew all the bullshit that was goin' on around here. Got bored and went down to the local sheriff Jack and asked about an opening, Didn't even fill out an application, got the job on the spot. For the first few months it was the usual, speeding tickets, drunk and disorderly, normal shit right? Well... let the fuckery commence....
I had been a deputy for 7 months when one of the local farmers called in and reported he had some animals killed last night and wanted someone to come out to his house. John Nixon was a 60 year old farmer who lived by himself. His wife passed away years ago, but he never remarried and they never had kids. We met one day at the local tackle shop. Me being new in town, he took me to some of the good fishin' spots. The man was a huge military history buff and would always ask about my time in. I thought I knew him personally, so i took the call.
As I rolled up to the gate on his property, I saw John standing at the gate with a shotgun. " Hey john, can I ask why you are standing there with that cannon in your hands?" No response, he just stared at me. "John! put that damn shotgun down!!" I yelled. Its like he snapped to out of a trance. "Mason, i need you to come round the back side of the house to the barn, now!" he snapped.
"OK, OK, let me get outta the car and grab some gear." I said opening the car door. While i was grabbing my gear, John was standing there with his eyes scanning the tree line. "Come on mason! you need to see this!" He said heading towards the back. I closed the trunk and started walking over in his direction.
"So what the hell is going on that's got you walking around here with that damn bazooka?" No response, he just keeps walking and scanning the tree line. We finally got to the back of his house where the barn is. It looked like a horror movie in that pen.
"What the fuck happened here!?!" I said covering my mouth. There were pieces of chickens and goats everywhere, a few pigs looked like they had been filleted. "Its back mason, after all these years" John mumbled. "John what the hell are you talking about? what did this?" I asked.
John took his eyes off the tree line and looked me dead in the face. "Your not from here so you dont know." "Know what man? what are you saying?" I asked getting annoyed now. "Years ago this same thing happened to a few guys I know. All of their livestock had been killed. Not killed and eatin', just killed. It got people 'round here up in arms. Well, a few of us got together and decieded we were gonna look for whatever did it" he said. "What the hell are you telling me john?" I interrupted. "There were four of us. We were young, thought we were bullet proof. We went out into the woods one morning, determined to find the damn thing that had been killing our animals.
Tommy was the first to say something. "Hey, did you guys hear that?". The rest of us didnt hear a thing, so we kept moving. We got about three miles deep into the old pine forest at the edge of town. Will was the next to say something, "WHAT THE FUCK?!" he yelled out while looking down at the mud. We ran over to where he was standing to find him wide eyed. "I dont know what the actual fuck did this, but we..we need to go and I mean right fucking now!!!" he said pointing. This track was huge, at least 14 inches long with huge claws. Gerald spoke up "Let's fuckin' go guys!!".
We started back tracking out of the area, when we were stopped cold in our tracks, we all heard it this time. It was coming from everywhere and nowhere at the same damn time. A sickening, shrieking laugh was coming from all around us. We panicked and starting runnin'. As soon as we did that, whatever was making that noise centered as if right behind us, and it was coming fast, ungodly fast" John said eyeing the remains of a chicken that was torn apart.
"We were about a mile from the trucks when I heard a thud and a scream, when i looked back Gerald wasn't there. Will and tommy were right behind me, terror all over their faces. Tommy pulled his pistol and started shooting backwards. Only one shot rang out before something tackled him and Will. I stopped, raising my rifle, but they had already been torn apart. It was seconds, and they were in shreds" John said.
"Mason, what i saw standing over their shredded bodies has haunted me since then. The fucking thing was nine feet tall, shaped like a man, but not. Its skin, or or scales was a mixture of black and grey and it looked slimy. It looked like a damn bodybuilder with hugh claw like hands. Its head was massive, with what looked like horns coming from the jaw to around the chin. Its eyes, glowed bright green in the middle of the fucking day, and it had a mouth full of fucked up jagged teeth." He said lowering his head.
"I jus.. just stood there, waitng for my turn. This thing paced back and fourth, staring at me, with this creepy damn smile. It looked down at Will and Tommy, then it looked back up at me. My heart almost stopped when it pointed and shook its head at me. It started making that shrieking laugh as it grabbed what was left of my friends in each giant claw and walked off into the woods, still fucking laughing. I fell to my knees as it vanished into the trees."
I stood there, thinking he lost his damn mind. John had stopped talking, he had this way off look in his eyes. "John..., john.., JOHN!!" his eyes snapped back to mine. "So what are you telling me? A nine foot creature with claws killed your friends and animals?!" I half mocked. "Yea.... thats what i'm telling you. Its back for me, i know it." "What makes you think it was this thing you say killed your friends? It could have been coyotes" I asked " I know mason, i heard that same horrible shrieking laugh in the woods behind the barn last night."
Now I’ve heard some real bullshit in my time, especially during my time in the contracting field... But this was the most out there shit I had ever heard.
"Alright, alright... let's just take a big ass step backwards. I need to wrap my head around all of this." I said takin a deep breath. John laid the shotgun down to his side. "I'm telling you the truth mason. i'm too old and tired to lie about shit" he said shrugging. I looked deep into this man’s eyes. When I did, I saw something that told me this was the absolute truth as he knew it. " You haven’t given me any reason to doubt you... but fuck man... this is hard to swallow. I need proof John, that's the way this works." A look of frustration washed over his weathered face.
"Proof?! you want proof huh? follow me" John groaned.
He started walking towards the tress behind the barn. As we got closer to the trees, I started to smell rusty copper. Blood I thought out loud. John raised his shotgun as we walked closer. That damn gun had to be illegal, but this wasn’t the time for that. Him raising that gun made me a lil' uneasy, so I pulled my Glock 9mm out and flipped the safety off.
John owned about 90 acres, most of it unkept. A lot of the land was behind the barn which butted up to a state forest. We took about 12 steps into the wood line when the smell of death hit me like a brick. "I'm taking you to where I heard the noise coming from last night... your PROOF is out there Mason" He said with a slight edge to it.
We walked almost a hundred yards into the woods when john stopped in front of a tree. It looked twisted and warped all the way to its top. I stepped around John and saw huge claw marks cut deep all the way around the base of the tree, it's hard to even call it that. "What the hell is this?" I said looking up. "This is a marker, it's territory starts here" John replied. I looked at john like he was crazy, which at this point I thought he was. "This thing travels throughout these woods. I've found five more of these trees in our town" he said putting a hand on the tree.
"This isn’t telling me anything John, just that you've got a weird ass tree on your property" I said back to him. "Do you hear that?" So we could move this mess forward, I stopped talking and just listened. I hadn't noticed that during our walk into the woods it had got quiet, and I mean not one sound. " What the hell? where did all the animals go?" I asked looking around. "They're scared mason... you should be too. Let's get back to the house."
We turned and started making our way out of the woods. We were damn near the tree line when I heard a snap. I turned around, gun raised to see a black streak dart back deeper into the woods. "What the fuck was that?!" All John said was "we need to leave, now!" We turned and started sprinting the rest of the way out of the woods. I was surprised at how fast john was for an old man. We got all the way back to my patrol car. "I don't know what that was, but I don't think you should stay here tonight John. Pack some stuff and come to my place" I said pointing my gun at the trees. John just let out a sigh as if frustrated and defeated.
"You weren't listenin'. The pine forest, these trees, it’s all connected. I’m talkin’ bout before this area was even inhabited by native peoples. This fucking thing has been around for a very long time. I have been looking into this since that day, I had to find out what it was and if it can be killed" he tried to explain. The whole time john was talking I had my eyes and weapon pointed at the trees. " You can put that down mason, it just wanted you to know it's here" He said.
"John, I to need process this shit. I've never seen or heard anything like this and to be straight with you, I’m at a loss right now" I said opening the trunk. "I get it, I get it. The sheriff jack was a deputy back then. When you see him... tell him I said the dark is here..." And with that, he just turned his back and walked back into his house not saying another word.
I got back in the car and sat there. Looking at the treeline. After a few minutes I went back to the station. I must've walked in with that universal what the fuck look on my face, because Cathy the clerk asked what was wrong with me. I told her I was fine and asked if she had seen the sheriff? "Yeah, he is in the gun cage. Are you sure you’re ok Mason?" She asked again.
"Yeah, I'm good, just need to talk to Jack." I started walking towards the back of the building, when Jack came around the corner. "Hey mason, what's up?" he says walking up to me. "I just got back from John's house." The look on his face completely changed. "He had a bunch of animals killed last night. It looked like a slaughterhouse. He told me to tell you the dark was back?" I told him noticing his reaction.
Jack stiffened up and not saying a word gestured for me to follow him towards the back security door. We headed towards the back and out the door. Jack had stopped to make sure the door was secure then pointed at his truck and said "get in."
After getting in he looked over "I need some coffee" then started the truck up and headed west out of the parking lot towards the coffee shop. He ordered a large black coffee with extra sugar then asked if I wanted one. "I'll take a small black, no sugar." We pulled out and headed east back past the station. We ended up driving towards the edge of the county. "What's going on and why are we heading way the hell out here?" I looked at jack and said.
Jack just took a long sip of his coffee then placed it back in the holder.
After a long breath "You want some answers about what happened at Johns' house... I’m sure he told you about a few other things about this town... well we're gonna go get you some answers" He said looking at a black sedan passing in the opposite direction. "Aight so, like you mason, I’m not from here either. I was a trooper in New York for a few years before I came down here. I resigned after a call to an old couple’s house" He said reaching for his cup. "My partner Jake and I responded to what was thought to be an animal attack. We were the first on the scene, having been a couple miles away lookin' for speeders.
When we rolled up an older woman came running over to the cruiser. She had a panicked look on her face and just kept repeating "they're dead, they're dead!!" We hopped out and sat her in the back of the car then asked what happened. "I...I... came over to talk to gloria and... and I saw the door open. I walked in yelling her and Alan’s name, but they didn't answer... I found them upstairs... it's horrible!!" She said sobbing. Jake and I drew our weapons and started making the move inside. Like the witness said the front door was open, so we moved in. It smelled like sulfur and blood when we entered. We started clearing rooms. The first floor was clear, so we made our way up the steps.
The smell was overpowering now. We cleared the bathroom, and the two smaller rooms were clear also. The door to the master bedroom was slightly opened. I motioned to Jake and we hit the door.... it looked like some movie shit!! I kid you not. Jake turned and went back into the hallway and threw up. I stepped into the room and... listen I had never seen anything like this before" Jack stammered out.
"These two people were in shreds on the bed, they're insides had been yanked out and thrown around the fucking room. After looking at the bodies I noticed these huge claw marks in the wall, I’m talking if Andre the giant had had a Krueger glove. I stepped back out of the room and radioed to dispatch that we needed more units. I walked back to the front door where Jake was standing hunched over looking out of it.
Parked outside were 3 black SUVs and a black sedan. I counted 11 men dressed in black tactical military gear, some with a type of rifle I had never seen before, but you could tell it was large caliber. The rest with SMG weapons. When i looked over towards the patrol car, one of the men had the door opened and was talking to the witness. He saw us and started our way. He was dressed in all black too and carried what looked like a desert eagle in a chest holster.
When he got closer I got a better look at him. He looked to be in his late 40's with salt and pepper colored hair and a big ass scar that ran down the right side of his face. He got about ten feet from the steps "We appreciate the assistance, but you are no longer needed" He said in deep voice. As he is saying this, one of the other guys escorts the witness out of our car and into the back of that sedan.
The guy started walking away from us "Who are you? and what the fuck is going on?" I yelled at him. He turned with a look on his face that you only see in movies then took a few steps towards us. "Your command has been informed and you are to leave now!" He said raising his hand up towards that holstered pistol. Jake looked at me and shook his head "fuck it, let's go, let them deal with that mess upstairs" he said still coughing then started heading towards the car. I followed him down the steps... looking this guy up and down, checking out the vehicles... for anything that might tell me who we were dealing with.
The only thing I saw was on the assholes uniform... there was a patch on his shoulder. It was an all-black diamond with a weird looking black M in the middle on it. The guy stared us down until we were in the car driving away. He had that pistol in his hand and the other men starting moving into the house. Jake and I didn’t say a word until the radio squawked and we were told to head back to the barracks.
When we got there, we were told to report to the troop commander’s office. Commander Thompson was sitting in his office along with a man in a nice 2-piece suit. The man in the suit stood there quietly while Thompson told us that we never responded to any call out to that farmhouse, and that this was the first and only time he would say it. With that, he dismissed us and and we walked out. The shit didn’t sit well with me, and I ended up resigning a few months later.
I came down here and then that shit in the woods happened. I was on the scene, I saw the claw marks. They looked just like the ones in New York, and the same damn trucks showed up with different personnel. I knew just to shut up and walk away, and after making that choice I have had a pretty good career here." he finished grabbing his cup out of the holder.
My brain was in overdrive. I was just about to completely question bomb jack when he said, "We're here." He pulled off onto this overgrown driveway and drove for about a quarter mile. We pulled up to an old two-story house that looked like it was in ruins... but the lights were on. "Where the hell are we?" I asked As the last word of that question left my mouth, the front door of the house opened... standing in the doorway was a old man, dressed in weathered black clothing. Jack leaned over to me "You wanted answers... well.... there they are."

For some background, my mom has struggled with bipolar disorder and is very narcissistic & racist however she is lot better than what she used be when me and my older brother were kids. Due to this behavior our Grandma raised us and hence me and brother are very close to her, so when at the gender reveal party I realised im having a baby girl, I decided I would name her after my grandma and my mother looked overjoyed because it was due to grandma that she is recovered as much as she did.
However she is still a bit cuckoo, my older brother is low contact with my mother after she started treating his kind wife awfully when she found out she was half black, and is thinking of going absolutely no-contact because my mother has been making passive remarks about my to be born niece's possible skin colour. She was even vary of Javier but I am a no-nonsense person and have never let her insult him or hsi family.
But here's where shit hits the fan, after I gave birth I ultimately decided to name my daughter Eloriya, that is not my grandma's name, it's the name of my husband's older sister who died in car accident, it was an awful accident that left my FIL with ptsd and he is now wheelchair bound because his legs don't work.
The reason I named her Eloriya was because when i held my babygirl and I saw her pretty little face the only thing me and quite frankly my husband as well could notice was the uncanny similarity to his sister's baby pictures. My daughter could pass off for her identical twin except she took after my hair colour.
Now when my mother found out, she lost all crap. She started screaming like a maniac and hurling insults to my husband and his family, mind you we were still in the hosipital and she had come to visit me with my MIL and FIL because i had a risky delivery and had to stay overnight. She started accusing my husband on brainwashing me into this and tried to attack him, and accused my MIL of forcing me to name my daughter after her dead daughter.
I couldn't take it, I was tired after pushing out a dang mini human outta me. I screamed at my mother that not every MIl is like her, who forces her wishes on their DIL's. Her face dropped as my husband and inlaws looked on in shock.. I told her off for being an awful mother and that how she could still see nothing apart from herself and what she wanted, unlike my MIL who has always treated my like the daughter she never had I told her if it went like this ill go no-contact with her and then she can enjoy the mess she made and then told the nurse to drag my mother out who was now crying hysterically.
I'll be honest with you, I didn't think I was the a-hole but the never-ending messages from my mom's side of my family calling me an ungrateful daughter who couldn't understand her mother was trying to protect her and asking me how dare i bring back her past and choose my MIL over her is making me think twice. So reddit Am I The Asshole?

"Three minutes of madness" is how a lady described the attack that her two dogs suffered at the hands of as many pit bulls. It happened on Saturday at 7.30pm, we are in via Monte Falco, exactly behind the rubbish bins, at the entrance to Ducci park.
"Like every evening I went out with my two little dogs, two mutts, who together barely weigh 18 kilos. At a certain point I saw a pit bull running towards us. Just enough time to shout: stop, stop, who, from behind the bins, another pit bull emerged, running like a fury" says the lady.
"I screamed. The two started chasing my dogs. I never expected it. I was in disbelief, but my clarity didn't abandon me" she continues to tell excitedly.
“My dogs' leashes started to get twisted. My only intent was to protect their throats. It's where pit bulls normally attack, and their bite is similar to that of sharks. I fought with all my strength to defend them. With my arms, with my legs; struggling, I fell to the ground, but I found the strength to get back up. Three minutes of total madness, endless" she continues.
"I ordered the two pit bulls, in a firm voice, to go away. All around they saw what was happening." The dogs, numerous witnesses say, had gotten out of a car parked near those rubbish bins. "Two people then got out of the car, a man and a woman, presumably the owners, and rushed to stop the two pit bulls."
"In the meantime, however, one of my two dogs had been injured. He had been bitten in the thigh with a bite. I asked the two owners to stay there. Instead they got back in the car and left." Many witness the scene and run to help the woman. The screams and yelps reach right into the gardens. Someone calls the police: shortly thereafter a patrol is on site, collecting testimonies.
Meanwhile, the ambulance also arrives to help the injured, the woman who is transported to the San Donato emergency room where she is subjected to all the prophylaxis to avoid consequences of any bites, and the dog to the veterinary emergency room.
After the necessary treatment he was discharged, now we just have to wait for him to compensate for the wound on his thigh. "Thanks to my clarity and the fact that I am still athletic, I averted the worst" says the woman. "I thank all the citizens and young people who intervened, as well as the state police and the ASL. It is also thanks to them that today I can talk about this ugly misadventure".
Article Link: https://www.lanazione.it/arezzo/cronaca/lassalto-dei-pitbull-tre-minuti-di-follia-paura-e-denunce-vicino-al-parco-ducci-703e5461

Hi, I've been claiming Universal Credit for about 3 years. 14 months ago I was awarded £17,000 compensation for a car accident. I have a letter from DWP CRU saying zero was owed at the time of receiving compensation. I didn't notify them as assumed this letter confirmed my solicitor had done so.
The money was spent on private care bills within a week of receiving and brought my total money down to about £8,000. After Cost of Living payments and being frugal and saving for future treatment I still have around 8k.
My latest UC statement says I'm getting about £340 a month because I have zero savings. This has me worried if they look into my bank they will see I have above 6k and at some point 17k which I stupidly assumed they were obviously notified about.
My question is will they now look at the amount after the 52 week disregard (8k) as overpayment or will they say I was never eligible because originally over 16k?
Will the CRU letter of acknowledgment from 14 months ago be of any help?
Also, if I owe a debt to them, would they require this as full payment or are they fairly open to a payment plan.. example £10 a month?
I hope I've explained my concern clearly and thanks for reading.

Hey all, I'm planning on buying my first car and this is the quote that I got from my nearest dealership with BH registration. I want to know from the veterans on this forum if this is good or not, or if I should look to get more discounts/better deal. The car is Model Year 2024 and the dealership has assured us that they will be able to arrange it within 15-20 days of us booking the vehicle.
Below is the quote:

Component	Price
Ex-Showroom	17,53,400.00
Corporate Discount	28449
Net Ex-Showroom Price after Discount	17,24,951.00
TCS	17,250.00
Insurance	44,000.00
Essential Accessory Kit	8,799.00
RTO (BH Registration)	25,000.00
Net On-Road Price (including SMP, excluding extended warranty)	17,95,000.00

For this month, they are giving the Service Maintenance Package free which is worth INR 32,999.00. Also, the insurance added here is the Drive Assure Elite package which has most of the major things included like Zero Depreciation, Return to Invoice, Personal Accident Coverage, etc included.
I asked the dealership about the extended warranty and they said I'll have to buy it separately for 5th and 6th year which will cost me about 20k.
Please review this once. Thank you!

So my girlfriend had a dog who she adored that passed away a few months before I met her a year and a half ago. When we met I had 3 huskies at the time (because I needed backup vocalists for my Acapella band), all rescues, and she sort of fell in love with them. Since we have been together, I lost my oldest boy to an injury, but hadn't thought about getting another pup, as my other two are bonded to me really hard.
A few months ago she mentioned to me how she has been thinking about getting another dog. I told her I thought it was a good idea. It had been about 2 years since her girl passed and she was ready to start the healing. So I start looking at the shelters, local social media groups, and rescues and keep sending photos of pups to her.
A few weeks ago I learned that my great aunt passed and so I had to go to her funeral. At the same time, my gf had a trip planned to visit her parents a few states away, set for about a week after I get back.
I take my girl Hannah, as she needed some 1 on 1 training with me and leave my other boy Viktor at home with gf. She messages me and says she asked to see one of the pups I sent her a link to. A few days later she has an appointment to see a completely different puppy, a 6 month old husky. She sends me pictures later in the day of this cute little 12 week old pup who won her over instead.
Her litter mates definitely had some husky features like the mask or spitz tail, but then there's this girl who looks nothing like a husky lol. She's 14 weeks old right now and her ears just started standing up and I swear this dog is a malinois.
Girlfriend took off after having the pup for about a week, so I ended up getting stuck with this poor pup who didn't understand what was happening (just like poor Viktor when a new pup showed up in the house while I was away). He was beyond pissed when I got home lol. It took him like 2 days to forgive me for allowing this to happen.
I've raised probably a dozen puppies in my life so far and this girl was, putting it mildly, an absolute terror when gf took off. For the first 2 days I didn't have even 2 minutes to myself. That said, in this week I've had her, I've come to love her and we've reached an understanding. I'm not going to say I didn't love her or wasn't going to love her, but we just didn't have that bond at the beginning. After all, she picked my girlfriend, not me, which is what the gf wanted. She wanted a "her" dog, which is to say a dog that either prefers her or is bonded with her, as my dogs clearly prefer me and follow me around/stay near me when I'm away from her.
We've gone from screaming in the car endlessly while solo to riding with the other pups happily and riding solo happily. We've gone from accidents in the house to her telling me she wants out, from maybe 6 accidents a day down to 1. We've gone from zero leash experience to wearing a harness happily and fundamentals of leash walking, though she just stays by my side at all times regardless. We've gone from chewing on bad things to chewing on good things. From not understanding of dog play to playing with both my pups. From no training at all to sit, come, stay, and we're working on shake hands. She even learned the "load up" procedure for the car from the other pups.
I've never seen such a smart puppy who is motivated entirely by wanting to make me happy. She likes food, but it's secondary to praise for her. I'm absolutely stunned how fast she is learning. None of my huskies took to instruction this well, though they were older when I adopted them.
Which leads me to the subject line. Man, there might be some husky in there, but I sure don't see it. We only know the mom was part husky. We're getting a DNA panel done so we know what to prepare for; I'm used to high energy/working dogs but I hear malinois is a whole other ball game. I thought maybe she looked more like a GSD but the vet said the ears looked more like malinois than Shepard or husky ears and I don't disagree.

I posted here a while back (since deleted) asking if I should warn his new fiancé. Everyone told me it wouldn’t matter and somewhere deep down I now that’s true. But I feel terrible about it.
After we were married we got into a huge fight, and I nearly left but didn’t. Lo and behold I was pregnant shortly after that. I was on the pill but its not reliable for me, I dont know if its a weight thing or what but I would be spotty nearly 3 weeks out of the month, and we used condoms because of this. We also had a honeymoon planned to Puerto Vallarta (with friends, so it was an excuse for my ex to show off his “wealth”) he called it off saying we needed to save for the baby and I couldn’t be drinking or anything anyway. He always has loved showing off but it’s always been a façade. Driving a BMW but the mortgage was late, sometimes the water would get shut off, I had to budget for groceries, all the while he was convincing people we were well off.
So now, his fiancé is pregnant and they’ve called off the wedding (in Cancun where he would be paying for her family to go)
The thing is, she’s a “sugar baby” (their words) so she thinks he’s rich. She’s going to find out eventually that he’s one paycheck away from losing everything. She’s a content creator and all her content is about their relationship and her sugar baby status.
When we split up my attorney told me I should run. He told me that my ex was going to try to kill me. My ex threatened to kill me, but when people found out he was broke, not paying taxes and arrested for DV he left town. He keeps a house here in my neighborhood so he has somewhere to stay when he visits the kids.
He is now so far over extended that he is selling his house here. He’s put his relationships with the kids on the back burner and puts no effort into spending time with them even when he is here. They go to his house and sit in their rooms, but my youngest has had enough and hardly sees or speaks to him at all.
I’m so scared for her because he has sacrificed so much for that relationship. He’s made himself look like a complete clown on the internet, he’s paying off her family with gifts and parties, he’s taken her on the company’s private plane so she’s met his boss (the plane only flies with him in it), he has no relationship with his kids and once the house is gone he will probably never be back. This house is his only asset, the cars are all 10+ years old and the house he’s living in is rented.
I’m scared when she finds out she’ll try to leave and he’ll kill her. It’s 4am here and I can’t sleep because it just keeps playing out in my mind. I don’t think he would kill his fiancés other kids, but I think if he was going to kill her or himself then he would kill the infant too because he couldn’t imagine the baby being ok without him. It’s a baby boy.
I predicted him selling this house. I predicted him alienating the kids. I predicted the pregnancy and I predicted the wedding being canceled.
Now I know there’s nothing I can do but hope she never questions his web of lies.

Hello, i'm really sad and pissed right now. I brought my car to a company that does everything car electrical related and wanted to improve the sound.
They proposed to replace the 4 door speakers, the 2 front tweeters, install a compact (under seat) subwoofer, and power everything with a 4 channel amplifier. Sounds great right?
Well, i need your help to understand if i've been scammed or i have too high standards.
First of all the sound is heavily unbalanced, coming mainly from the left side. After some investigation i found that the right dash tweeter is not working. So i played a test audio with separate Left and Right channel and looks like the two channels are mixed somehow. The "Left" word comes from all 4 speakers and the "Right" is very weak and barely audible. A complete mess. I consider my ear to be fairly spoiled when it comes to Hi-Fi but this is just unacceptable.
I learned that the amplifier has something called "bridging" feature where you can combine two channel to get a more powerful single channel. Now my fear is that they powered the 4 door speakers with one channel and did the bridging on the other channel to power the subwoofer.
The terminals of channel 3 and 4 on the amplifier are not even connected.
This is the material they installed:
2x Focal RCX 165
2x Focal ASE 165
SUB Alpine PWE-s8
AMP SP Audio SP-80.4D
Any input is appreciated. Thank You

hi all,
ive got my test coming up in a couple days and my instructor has only just told that i need to pay an extra £200 for "driving test insurance" (after almost 5 months of having my test booked), i really believe this is a load of rubbish cos his reasoning is

• wasted business as he cant take any lessons for a few hours from my warmup lesson to driving me back home after my test (was going to happen regardless since he can only do 1 lesson at a time!) and ALSO said he cant let his students drive his car cos the insurance overrides his instructor insurance, thats just tools of the trade not my issue.
• obvious reason of if i get into an accident which is fair but isnt that just covered by his dvsa insurance?

ive spoke to family who learnt from him and they dont remember having to pay this. called a driving school but they said its true but havent been able to get through to an actual dvsa customer service line.
i havent got offical confirmation thats its a scam but i know the short notice forces me to pay cos if i dont he wont let me use the car.
is this standard??

I have a 20y/o stepdaughter. I have been with her dad since she was 6.
She got pregnant last year and had her son in January. She has serious mental health problems and when he was a month old she left him with us and said she wasn’t coming back.
Social services have issued care proceedings and he is on a care order with us being assessed as his full time carers until he is 18.
She is only allowed to see him once a week in a contact centre for supervised contact for an hour and a half. They haven’t been going so well for various reasons, one of which he is really unsettled being left with people he doesn’t know (he was a month old when she left so she is a stranger to him). He has never been away from me or my husband since the day they came home from hospital.
After she left him she was sending messages or calling every day to see how he was. She didn’t see him from when she left until a couple of weeks ago but now she has started seeing him these messages and calls have stopped and she sticks to the once a week and doesn’t ask about him in between.
She did buy some stuff for him including a 3 in 1 travel system which she left with us. The lady she bought it from recommended she go with something less expensive and luxurious but she was adamant she wanted the big flashy one. I never liked it and it is too big and bulky for us and we really struggle with it in the car. Because it is so heavy I struggle with it because I have my own health issues. We have sourced a smaller travel system and will be selling it and putting the money towards other things he will need as he gets older. She doesn’t send any money for him and is constantly asking us and her grandparents for money because she has spent all of her benefits.
She rang me yesterday to tell me she has cancelled her contact with my grandson today because she doesn’t feel very well. I get that people get ill and don’t feel like doing things when they are but I can’t understand why she can’t suck it up for the sake of her son who she claims she loves and misses. She started complaining that she can’t see her family if the baby is there as she needs to be supervised with her contact with him by a social worker. She has also moved out of the area and is always on the phone to her dad or Nan saying she is lonely and isolated. We have told her multiple times that SHE decided to leave her son and move away so she has brought this on herself so she just has to deal with it.
Have we alienated her by taking her son on knowing she won’t be able to see him unsupervised for a while rather than letting him go into foster care?

I’ve always struggled to make friends, and I’ve never really felt like I fitted in anywhere, but I’ve never felt as alone as I do right now. I go to work, come home, feel lonely, go to bed, then repeat. I can’t go through life spending the rest of my days feeling like this.
I’m in a completely different situation to where I thought I’d be at 23. In some ways, things have turned out better, but in other ways, they’re a lot worse. I’m trying to get on my own two feet, but my future feels pretty bleak and lonely with the way things are.
I work a minimum wage job in retail, which I enjoy at times, but it’s not something I want to do forever. Right now I think having a job makes me one of the lucky ones. A job is better than no job. I know my job is important, as I need to earn a living, but I have a non existent social life. I know that the answer is to try and meet new people, but I don’t really know how to do this. I’ve never liked drinking or clubbing, which is what most people my age like to do. An enjoyable day out for me would be something like going to the cinema, or taking a walk along the beach, but I’m not going to meet people by doing these things. Most of my hobbies are things I can do by myself, and even with something like video games, I prefer to play alone as it’s my downtime activity to relax. I know there’s sites like meetup that have organised groups to meet people, but I work shifts for my job, and it’s very rare I’m off on a weekend. I’m not going to be able to meet people I could eventually hang out with on an individual basis, who would make plans with me around work, if I can’t show up to the groups in the first place.
I’ve tried to make friends online, but as I’m sure a lot of you have experienced, ghosting is a common problem. I’m not giving up, but I’m trying to strike a balance between trying to put myself out there, but not spending too much time searching. I’ve spent too long on the likes of Reddit looking to see if there’s anyone like me, but then feeling awful and more alone because I haven’t found it.
I do struggle with socialising a bit, but I’m determined to not let that hold me back. I’ve always been a quiet and introverted person, until I get to know someone well. I think it’s a coping mechanism I’ve developed due to past experiences that I feel like running a mile when someone new talks to me. My brain convinces me that I’m better off on my own than being vulnerable with someone and getting hurt, but deep down, I’d love to talk to someone. The idea of walking into a room full of new people and introducing myself absolutely terrifies me. My job has forced me to come out of my shell to a point, and even just small talk with customers makes me feel like I’m improving my social skills. However, even with colleagues who I’ve now known for over six months, I’m still planning my next response in a conversation or worrying whether I’ve said the right thing or not. I tend to trip over my words, but the more I try to correct it, the more my sentence just sounds like a bunch of noises. I’m also someone who goes red the more someone stares. I’m scared I come across as this awkward, pathetic kid, and I’m conscious that some colleagues sometimes seem to be more laughing at me than with me.
I’m also a trans guy and asexual. The dating pool is therefore already massively reduced, which is made worse by me being trans. Being trans has been the most isolating experience of my life, and I wouldn’t wish it upon anyone. I’ve never been in a relationship, and despite being asexual, I would like some romance and someone to make some memories with. I also feel like the older I get, the more it will look like a red flag if I haven’t ever been with anyone. There’s no local groups for ace people, but I’ve tried online in various ace specific places. Despite being in the UK, which is small compared to the likes of places like the US, most people seem to be down south near London, whereas I’m up in the north. When you’re already part of such a small minority, it feels even worse when you’re then alienated from that community.
The problem is, you start to convince yourself after a while that there’s something wrong with you. If everyone else has friends and partners, and not you, you’re clearly the problem, right? The amount of times I’ve felt unwanted, unloveable, and invisible because no one has given me the time of day is too many to count. I try my best to be nice to people I encounter both on and offline, because I often think how nice it would be if someone just sat down and was genuinely interested in me and what I had to say.
I often wonder why I’m trying to build a life for myself. I don’t want to live if I’m just going to be doing everything alone. I know some people are perfectly happy on their own, and I respect that, but that’s no life for me. I’m getting pretty fed up of people saying ‘You’re young, you’ll meet someone.’ I have no one. I’m so scared I’m go to go through this life alone and die alone. I know I’m not very optimistic, but you start wondering after a while if things are ever going to change.

I’ve always struggled to make friends, and I’ve never really felt like I fitted in anywhere, but I’ve never felt as alone as I do right now. I go to work, come home, feel lonely, go to bed, then repeat. I can’t go through life spending the rest of my days feeling like this.
I’m in a completely different situation to where I thought I’d be at 23. In some ways, things have turned out better, but in other ways, they’re a lot worse. I’m trying to get on my own two feet, but my future feels pretty bleak and lonely with the way things are.
I work a minimum wage job in retail, which I enjoy at times, but it’s not something I want to do forever. Right now I think having a job makes me one of the lucky ones. A job is better than no job. I know my job is important, as I need to earn a living, but I have a non existent social life. I know that the answer is to try and meet new people, but I don’t really know how to do this. I’ve never liked drinking or clubbing, which is what most people my age like to do. An enjoyable day out for me would be something like going to the cinema, or taking a walk along the beach, but I’m not going to meet people by doing these things. Most of my hobbies are things I can do by myself, and even with something like video games, I prefer to play alone as it’s my downtime activity to relax. I know there’s sites like meetup that have organised groups to meet people, but I work shifts for my job, and it’s very rare I’m off on a weekend. I’m not going to be able to meet people I could eventually hang out with on an individual basis, who would make plans with me around work, if I can’t show up to the groups in the first place.
I’ve tried to make friends online, but as I’m sure a lot of you have experienced, ghosting is a common problem. I’m not giving up, but I’m trying to strike a balance between trying to put myself out there, but not spending too much time searching. I’ve spent too long on the likes of Reddit looking to see if there’s anyone like me, but then feeling awful and more alone because I haven’t found it.
I do struggle with socialising a bit, but I’m determined to not let that hold me back. I’ve always been a quiet and introverted person, until I get to know someone well. I think it’s a coping mechanism I’ve developed due to past experiences that I feel like running a mile when someone new talks to me. My brain convinces me that I’m better off on my own than being vulnerable with someone and getting hurt, but deep down, I’d love to talk to someone. The idea of walking into a room full of new people and introducing myself absolutely terrifies me. My job has forced me to come out of my shell to a point, and even just small talk with customers makes me feel like I’m improving my social skills. However, even with colleagues who I’ve now known for over six months, I’m still planning my next response in a conversation or worrying whether I’ve said the right thing or not. I tend to trip over my words, but the more I try to correct it, the more my sentence just sounds like a bunch of noises. I’m also someone who goes red the more someone stares. I’m scared I come across as this awkward, pathetic kid, and I’m conscious that some colleagues sometimes seem to be more laughing at me than with me.
I’m also a trans guy and asexual. The dating pool is therefore already massively reduced, which is made worse by me being trans. Being trans has been the most isolating experience of my life, and I wouldn’t wish it upon anyone. I’ve never been in a relationship, and despite being asexual, I would like some romance and someone to make some memories with. I also feel like the older I get, the more it will look like a red flag if I haven’t ever been with anyone. There’s no local groups for ace people, but I’ve tried online in various ace specific places. Despite being in the UK, which is small compared to the likes of places like the US, most people seem to be down south near London, whereas I’m up in the north. When you’re already part of such a small minority, it feels even worse when you’re then alienated from that community.
The problem is, you start to convince yourself after a while that there’s something wrong with you. If everyone else has friends and partners, and not you, you’re clearly the problem, right? The amount of times I’ve felt unwanted, unloveable, and invisible because no one has given me the time of day is too many to count. I try my best to be nice to people I encounter both on and offline, because I often think how nice it would be if someone just sat down and was genuinely interested in me and what I had to say.
I often wonder why I’m trying to build a life for myself. I don’t want to live if I’m just going to be doing everything alone. I know some people are perfectly happy on their own, and I respect that, but that’s no life for me. I’m getting pretty fed up of people saying ‘You’re young, you’ll meet someone.’ I have no one. I’m so scared I’m go to go through this life alone and die alone. I know I’m not very optimistic, but you start wondering after a while if things are ever going to change.