Just finished the finale and am so sore about it.. I loved this drama so much bc of all the deep themes like family love and trauma, along with the building of the love between Haein and Hyunwoo again. However, in my opinion, the last two eps deviated so far from what I would deem a satisfying closure.
We spent the entire drama working on the relationships between Haein and these characters: (1) estranged husband (2) unpacked trauma mother daughter rship (3) general indifference towards brother & everyone else
(1) Love blooming again between Haein and Hyunwoo was fleshed out so well and they had all those crucial experiences together that wove this deeply beautiful love story between them. As of Ep14 pre-amnesia, highly satisfied.
(2) Relationship with her mother was finally resolved in a very tearful stairwell conversation. That was cathartic asf. As of Ep14 pre-amnesia, highly satisfied.
(3) Some semblance of sibling relationship was formed, relationship with her staff had been nicely developed, character growth had been shown in Haein, friendship with Secretary Na has been developed and it was so cute. As of Ep14 pre-amnesia, highly satisfied.
HOWEVER,
Making her lose her memory basically wiped out the ‘bonding’ I, as a viewer, had had with her character. In my opinion, it also wiped out all that precious development over the past 14 episodes. Just as she said in the lavender fields, her memories shape her and define her. Taking them away means that all that development (even if she still has good feelings towards them in her heart) has been wiped.
If Haein’s amnesia + Hyunwoo’s arrest + Eunsung hijacking Haein were really non-negotiable events for the writers, then here are the things I would have liked to see, to make the amnesia plot acceptable:

• Cancel out the car crash bc I felt it was unnecessary
• Eunsung kidnaps her and threatens to kill her if she ever tries to go to Hyunwoo again
• Hyunwoo arrives and fights him (fists, guns, idc)
• Eunsung is arrested instead of shot dead
• Evidence presented against Moh Seul hee, she is arrested (I wish Grandpa had voice recorded a testament of her crimes on the voice recording pen… felt like a waste of a plot device)
• Eunsung sentenced to long jail time (the reason I feel that Eunsung deserves jail rather than death is that death is too merciful. Similar to his ending in The Glory, death was too merciful. He should’ve been forced to live with the consequences of his actions. Life imprisonment, no more luxury, no more Haein. Best of all, he must be alive to watch the news announcements about the Queens group’s reinstatement and Hyunwoo and Haein’s eventual re-marriage. Man should watch it all and suffer)
• Moh sentenced to jail for a long time (I feel like the scene of her being beaten up by the other inmates wasn’t as cathartic as it should’ve been for me. I feel that her punishment should’ve been more public humiliation. Longer scene in court where she screams and then tries to plead, and one by one her minions turn away from her. *ofc this can’t happen but I wish Beom Ja was let loose on her. I’d rather see Beom Ja beat her up than random prison inmates)

CRUCIAL PART THAT I NEEDED,WANTED: - Whole Hong family is back in their own home. Haein and Hyunwoo go upstairs - She wanders the house again with him. She heads into his room. She sees the little glow in the dark star and that is when everything rushes back to her. - Memories hit her quick like a CUT CUT CUT sequence. Short moments from throughout the drama. The memories all slam back into her head. Tears gush immediately. She sinks to the floor crying and gasping. Hyunwoo finds her and she grabs his arms and looks at him with tears and repeats that she loves him. He understands that she’s got her memory back. He cries and says he loves her. They both cry on the floor, holding each other, repeating that they love each other. - [Optional] passionate crying makeout scene. - Next scene, maybe that night’s family dinner, Haein approaches her parents and calls them Mom and Dad. Look of mutual understanding between them. She tells them she loves them. Everyone cries together in relief and joy, she says “I’ve missed you all,” and hugs all of them.
^ I needed this. It was the catharsis I needed after all that trauma.
AND THEN FINALLY - Wrap up - Moments w the fam - Haein and Hyunwoo’s wedding - Deep talks between Haein and Hyunwoo in bed, promising to love each other forever, maybe some cute jealous moments from Haein saying she couldn’t possibly leave him to be ogled by other women, Hyunwoo laughs and reassures her. She smiles contentedly and snuggles into him. They fall asleep cuddling
— I didn’t like the fast-forward in time to when they have a kid nor the fast-forward in time to when they’re old and Haein is dead. I didn’t feel like everything we had been primed to look forward to was satisfied.
So much talk about memories. I wanted to see her regain her memory.
So little time of peace between Haein and Hyunwoo. I wanted to just see them enjoy it, without something bad looming ahead.
As a viewer, I didn’t need the writer’s confirmation that they lived a long happy life because I felt disconnected from that story. I hadn’t been taken along for that journey. The journey I had been on was focused on young Haein and Hyunwoo and the rekindling of their love. In my opinion, a hopeful, looking towards the future ending (plus Haein with a fully regained memory) would’ve suited better, bc that’s what we were rooting for from the beginning. Instead, we ended back at square 1, and it felt as if the writer of this series was being like: “Hey, y’know what, she doesn’t have her memories back, but just trust that she will regain them! You don’t have to see it, I’ll just tell you! In fact, let me show you that in future they grow old together and live a long happy life. Here’s Hyunwoo cleaning her grave to prove it!”
screams in frustration
Overall I loved this drama and cared so deeply for all the characters. It quickly became my favourite drama. But I just can’t accept the ending. I’ll just try to pretend that Ep 15 and 16 didn’t exist. The above is my head-canon. Thanks for reading this word vomit.
tldr: in my opinion, the ending of this series was like if i asked you for an apple and you gave me a banana.

Hi all- 36f here to join everyone in the waiting meltdown :) was wondering if anyone else had a mass that felt more like a oblong peach pit? Found a lump in the R upper outside, at about 11:00. It’s bumpy textured and definitely hard, doesn’t feel smooth or cyst-like. Runs vertically and I can move it a bit if I grab it, but it’s tender with palpation and does feel anchored to the tissue under it. Breast tissue above it is puffy/swollen. Other symptoms are weight loss, fatigue, and night sweats. Anyone that can give some peace of mind?! I didn’t find too many posts that had similar lumps. Diagnostic mammogram and US on 5/10.

It was a mundane summer afternoon in 2002, the fan was in full swing but barely managing to dissuade the heat in a small TRT quarter of ACC Jhinkpani. We’d just wrapped the mat that four of us, we three sisters and mom would roll on in afternoons enjoying our dose of k serials and some of us falling asleep midway. There was our regular mama sparrow flying in and out through the window as she took care of her nest which housed her tiny babies. She built the nest with small twigs from our garden at a peculiar place, it was in a cavity that was formed due to a hole made in lower ceiling to put the fan. This was a regular affair at our house with small twigs strewn around the house and my mom sweeping them every day at twilight. That evening we heard a light crackling sound & a thump only to find a tiny little sparrow getting hit by the fan and falling in the middle of our living cum bedroom. The sight made our hearts melt as the baby sparrow lay there wounded & helpless twitching and twirling in pain, not able to find her mother around and in a far more lit area than the cavity where she spent the initial days of her life. I was too quick to pick it up to help her but not knowing what to do. She’d a bruise above her tiny feet which was bleeding. Then as a family we decided to provide first aid by applying turmeric paste, an antiseptic ingredient found in all Indian kitchens. And that’s how Piki made an entry in our family of six, mom, dad, grandma and we three sisters. And now we're seven. She quickly became the apple of our eyes. She recovered within a couple of days, and we were learning the tricks to feed her cooked rice by teaching her to open her cute mouth adequately. Her fav spot was to hop on my dad’s green lungi, a sarong sort of clothe item that men in South India would tie around their waist and let loose till the ankle. We’d teach her to fly by throwing her over to one another in a very small distance, enough for her to flutter her wings and making sure we catch her in time. She became our muse in a very short span. Everyone loved her to bits. We created a small nest for her to sleep in in a shoe box with grass properly placed to cushion her and a hole in the box for her to breathe. At night I’d place her in the box & cover her with the box lid to secure her. Her abode was placed just below my dad’s bicycle, a secluded & cozy area, not be to be disturbed by anyone in the morning. We also employed her to irritate my granny, we’d place her on her shoulder & she’d freak out. Her droppings were all over the house, on the bed, on dad’s lungi & of course our hands. But her cuteness more than compensated for this hassle, more so a little discomfort. However, our little companion could stay with us for a short stint of 25 days only, as one morning we didn’t find her in her nest, rather her feathers were strewn around it and we realized the dreadful end to her life, that night I forgot to place the lid over her nest & she became prey to a cat that would hog at our place in odd times. It’s been more than 20yrs since we found & lost Piki, but in the mundaneness of life she stills brings a smile and a little regret, what if I hadn’t forgotten to close the lid, what if the cat hadn’t turned up that day but also what if the baby sparrow didn’t get hurt & fall that day, what if the sparrow never laid her eggs in our ceiling cavity. There are ifs in both sides, so after all this while every time I feel sad for her loss but also glad that we could enjoy her.

I hope this comes across as constructive. I’m not here just to vent, I’m hoping others feel the same and maybe some improvement can be made at some point. I love you guys and your content, I’m a paying member, and I don’t want it to sound like I think the app is just totally irredeemable. It’s primarily the video player in the Apple TV app. It’s very frustrating to use.
Skip
This is the main issue honestly. With the type of videos, especially the react series, you have a lot of “did you catch it?” moments. So I find myself constantly wanting to skip back a few seconds to see something again. With nearly every Apple TV App. You can click the left or right side of the touchpad/wheel to skip forward and backward ten seconds. This feature is just totally absent.
Sensitivity
When you pause a video and bring up the controls, there’s essentially 3 rows. The bottom row is in focus by default, its forward, play, and back buttons. The row above is the progress bar, and above that is a back button. To focus on the progress bar you swipe up. It is incredibly sensitive so when you swipe up you overshoot the progress bar and land on the back button. When you get on the progress bar if you swipe forward and back it’s so sensitive you jump forward and backward like a minute. This wouldn’t be so frustrating if there afore mentioned skip feature existed. Between those two issues it makes it very difficult to go back to a specific spot.
General Control Design
In most apps, when you click the pause on the remote or the center of the wheel/touchpad you are immediately on the progress bar and can swipe forward and back to scan. In the CC app you start on top of a play button. That’s the least useful button to be the default, you just hit the play button with your finger, you don’t need one on the screen too. There’s no real reason for the play button to even exist on the screen because it’s on the remote. It should just be the progress bar. When you swipe up and overshoot the progress bar you land on the back button. That button is also on the remote so it doesn’t need to exist on the screen, it just causes problems being there, when you swipe up and accidentally close the video.
Progress bar
In addition to the sensitivity of swiping forward and backward, and it not being in focus automatically, when it is in focus you can’t tell. It doesn’t change colors when in focus it just barely zooms in. When you swipe to a spot, and then click, it doesn’t play. You have to swipe down to the play button and click it to play.
I rambled, so just to be more precise on what I’m suggesting:

• Remove the play, forward and backward buttons at the bottom, and the back button at the top. Those buttons are already on the remote. The just clutter the interface.
• when you pause or click the touchpad it should pause and go straight to the progress bar. If you want to mess with closed captions you swipe up to get to those options.
• work in the sensitivity of swiping
• when you’ve swiped to a spot and click the wheel/touchpad it should play that spot
• while the video is playing, if you click the left/right side of the touchpad/wheel it should skip forward/back 10 seconds
• when you’re scanning the progress bar, if you hold left/right it should rewind fasteslower, or if you click it should skip

The way I’ve described it is how the Apple TV app for YouTube, Disney, Netflix, Hulu, Apple TV, Nebula, and many others work. I’m sure this will annoy some people and seem like nitpicking, and it is, but despite paying for the app, I still end up watching on YouTube because of how frustrating the app is to use on Apple TV. I imagine a lot of this is out of your control, but I couldn’t think of a reason to not just put it out there.
I love that the app exists, it’s actually pretty awesome that you took the time to commission and app just for the Apple TV when a lot of places don’t do that. The interface is otherwise awesome. The black and gold looks fantastic, the custom artwork for each type of video (react, dailies, revealed, etc) look great and are distinct enough that you can quickly find what you’re after. It’s kept up well; it always feels like it’s being updated. It feels like we’re getting what we paid for. Most of all it’s stupid-easy to activate/login—easy enough for someone who is too dumb to figure out how to rewind.

Hi friends! I've made the slightly unhinged decision of sharing my ranking of all (well, close to all) the songs that were featured on Glee. In part 1, 2 and 3, I revealed my bottom 70, so I'll continue from there!
4 years ago, I also hosted a very extensive ranking where the sub got to participate in ranking the entire Glee soundtrack, and you can see the results here! Let me know if you guys want a redo of this, and I'll find a less consuming way to make this happen, because that ish was HARD.
If you coincidentally also have ranked all of the Glee songs, you are more than welcome to join and reveal your rankings as well!! Or share your opinions, everything is welcome :)
This post will be wrapping up the final songs in the 'meh' tier, so after this, we'll finally move into the 'good' tier! The remaining tiers after that are 'great', 'near perfect' and 'best of the best', and I'm really excited to get to them too!

MEH TIER

652. La Cucaracha

Performed by Artie Abrams, Finn Hudson, Noah Puckerman and Will Schuester. Is it normal for juniors and seniors to be in the same class? Anyway. I actually think this song is pretty funny and well sung, but for context reasons, this is low on this list.
Score: 53/100

651. Being Good Isn't Good Enough

Performed by Rachel Berry. Rachel sounds amazing here, but to me that's the only thing that's interesting about this song. Among the many solos she has had, this one just falls under the radar for me.
Score: 53,33/100

650. Downtown

Performed by Artie Abrams, Blaine Anderson, Kurt Hummel, Rachel Berry and Sam Evans. This was the beginning of many songs that I found myself not caring for during season 5B. What I initially loved about the show's soundtrack was how varied it was, and maybe it's just my perspective, but I felt like there was an overwhelming amount of musical theatre songs in season 5B and it kind of killed the vibe for me. Well that, and the show being entirely set in New York, which I wasn't very fond of either. However, the scene where this song is being performed has some charming qualities, and it does capture the five of them taking on New York together very well.
Score: 53,35/100

649. Being Alive

Performed by Kurt Hummel. Not going to lie, I don't know the difference between this song and Being Good Isn't Good Enough. In my head, I keep mixing these two up and every time I see that Being Good Isn't Good Enough is sung by Rachel, I'm like "what? I thought Kurt sang this". Anyway, I have the same thoughts about this as Rachel's, so I'll just leave it at that.
Score: 53,40/100

648. Baby Got Back

Performed by Adam's Apples, with Adam as lead. I used to despise this song like a lot of other people do, but I've come to realize it's just okay. It's obviously comical to do this kind of rendition of Baby Got Back - those lyrics just do not work on a mellow arrangement, but that's also what makes it funny. And they sound kind of good!
Score: 53,5/100

647. I Won't Give Up

Performed by Rachel Berry. The amount of songs Rachel got out of this tiny plot is kind of funny, but it is after all Rachel's world and we're just living in it. For me, it's not a song I enjoy listening to, but it's alright. The other songs she sung in relation to her choking on her NYADA audition are better.
Score: 53,6/100

646. You Have More Friends Than You Know

Performed by Blaine Anderson, Marley Rose and Unique Adams. Finding out that this isn't an original written for the show and a cover was mind-blowing to me. I don't know how they found this song, but it encapsulates 'song-written-by-a-15-year-old-who-just-started-writing-songs' so well. It's not a great song, but it's decent enough.
Score: 53,67/100

645. I Want You Back

Performed by the Warblers, with Sebastian Smythe as lead. I know a lot of people love this song, so sorry that it's in the bottom 100 for me. To be fair, Sebastian actually, finally sounds good in a song, but compared to the original, it just falls flat for me. Since it was a deleted scene as well, there's not a lot of context that can make this higher either.
Score: 53,75/100

644. Mean

Performed by Beiste and Noah Puckerman. Okay, this scene was so sweet and so heartwarming , and them singing this song together was so nice. This has only a decent score because I'm not a huge fan of the vocal performance and I prefer the original more.
Score: 53,8/100

643. Celebrity Skin

Performed by Brittany Pierce and Sam Evans. I used to hate this song, and at the time season 4 was airing, I would skip this scene whenever I rewatched this episode. However, I can acknowledge that they sound great together and it's not as bad as I once thought it was, but it's also just not a song I like listening to.
Score: 54/100

642. Mickey

Performed by Vocal Adrenaline, with Clint and Shayna as leads. I could care less about any of the songs this version of Vocal Adrenaline did (#bitter because Clint has the same amount of solos as Tina and Quinn has recorded solos), but this one was actually kind of okay.
Score: 54,1/100

641. Just Give Me A Reason

Performed by Noah Puckerman and Quinn Fabray. Them being given this song was kind of a setup made for failure, but I think they did really good despite of it. This song is so hard to pull off, but they made it their own and that's fine! I used to ship Quick when this aired, so I actually thought it was sweet. I've since changed my mind about shipping them, but I thought it was cute at the time!
Score: 54,2/100

640. Just Can't Get Enough

Performed by Blaine Anderson and Kurt Hummel. I actually can get enough, thanks guys. Jokes aside, this was a fun performance, but it's not my favorite cover.
Score: 54,25/100

639. (You're) Having My Baby

Performed by Finn Hudson. I actually like this song, but the secondhand embarrassment I get from this scene is enough to pull it down all the way here.
Score: 54,3/100

638. A Hard Day's Night

Performed by Rachel Berry and Santana Lopez. These two always sound great together, and it's always fun to watch them perform in the diner, but this is definitely my least favorite performance that they have done together. And my least favorite performance from the diner, too.
Score: 54,35/100

637. I Melt With You

Performed by Mercedes Jones, Rachel Berry and Sam Evans. They all sound really good here and the song itself is cute, but I also thought it was... unnecessary.
Score: 54,4/100

636. I Was Here

Performed by Rachel Berry. I'm just going to end up repeating myself because I have the same feelings about most of these songs, but this song just doesn't do anything for me. I honestly can't believe this is a Beyonce song, because she makes it sound like... not a Beyonce song. I don't think Beyonce even makes this sound like a Beyonce song.
Score: 54,45/100

635. Wrecking Ball

Performed by Marley Rose. A good choice for the context of the plot that was going on, and Marley sounds good, but she doesn't sound great. Also, this is one of my all time favorite songs, so I'm going to be picky about it.
Score: 54,5/100

634. Brave

Performed by Rachel Berry and Santana Lopez. Again, great vocal performances, makes sense for the context, but not a song I enjoy listening to. I don't know if the original was overplayed during its time, but I just find myself feeling very sick of this song.
Score: 54,55/100

633. Story Of My Life

Performed by Blaine Anderson and Kurt Hummel. They both sound good here, I just very much prefer the original.
Score: 54,75/100

632. All About That Bass

Performed by Mercedes Jones and Roderick Meeks. Okay, they sound great. How could they not? Two of the greatest singers in their respective generations of the Glee club. However. This song is just so incredibly underwhelming knowing that the show put these two together for a duet. How are they not doing like... I Knew You Were Waiting For Me by Aretha Franklin and George Michael instead? You know?
Score: 54,8/100

631. Love You Like A Love Song

Performed by Santana Lopez. HOT TAKE ALERT! She does not suit this song at all. I respect anyone who thinks the opposite, but for me her voice just comes on too strong in this song. Selena's soft vocals are what makes this song in my opinion, and Santana's is just a little too distinctive for this song. She sounds good though, but it would be lower if it wasn't for the fact that I loooove this song.
Score: 54,9/100
That's it for today! In the next parts, I finally get to talk about the songs that I actually like and enjoy, meaning there are 630 Glee songs that I like or love. So, I apologize for all the negativity in all of these posts so far, but I promise there will be only positivity (or mostly positivity) from here <3

Just a preface: not posturing… last time someone commented on that… it’s not that… I just wanted to get all of this out and see if it meant anything in regards to Socionics, is all. Thank you :)
Hello. I've been seeing many people being typed on this subreddit through the answering of questions - namely this one person, recently, who wrote ALOT.
I think I'm going to keep my answers brief as it is getting a little tiring just constantly expressing myself lately - not that I do not find any kind of meaning in it, it is just that it's tiring, is all, that I keep saying the same things over and over again - similar to how I feel about art... I find such relief in the fact that I struggle so greatly with accepting things, because it means I will remain eternally rotating, like a cylinder, I will roll over everything and flatten it out.
I'll first answer the basics: I am 16 and male - although I hate that I have to include the fact that I am a male, and often just choose to identify as nothing out of spite - I am aware that testosterone influences my behaviour - likely even this very aggression - but, I don't know... I don't see any use in denying that I hate having to mention that. Everyone gives in to expression, it's implanted in me to feel a certain way... and I can deny those feelings out of some kind of individual principle, in order to maintain the idea that I remain under my control... but why? To spite who exactly? I always do that: deny myself happiness out of principle. That said: I don't exactly act on this stupid, nonsensical philosophy in a physical way - I never do! I always say one thing, am true to it inside and then I completely release it in the moment and forget all about it... that's not quite true... it always lingers, I suppose.
Maybe I don't need these questions after all; I find it unbelievably easy to rant, on and on and on; truth is: I don't think I'm great a listener at all... despite being so quiet. I am always so obsessed with this one thing, and it is all mine.
It's honestly my fatal flaw: brain fog and an absolute rejection of everything... I mean, I suppose I evaluate it all... whenever a novel idea is thrown at me, my first reaction, in all honesty, is to hate it. But, that's slightly off-topic if I am honest... I was going to say that I simply cannot let go of certain ideas that permeate my mind - they're always there... and I'll be damned if I cannot find a million different, vague ways to connect them back to that one thing, the very thing that irks me because each and every piece of literature goes straight back here - I've likely left it unresolved and that is why.
Every word links back to that... it is my saving grace and yet the source of all my turmoil: I wish to express the struggle of its existence; I do not love! I hate love! But that very hatred, and the way that I struggle and fight my own existence, the way that I will not accept my nature, that ardour to fight is what I live for! The very thing that torments me... but obviously, it's really the metamorphosis of this ardour... and how after absolutely draining myself of all that pent-up energy, I can finally accept - and that, in itself, was not even my doing, but the fact that I am human! Physical! But perhaps it was my doing! And that entire battle was my accepting this metamorphosis and stirring and writhing in order to create myself anew. It is so layered - to me, maybe not you; I wouldn't doubt that no one reads up to here.
I can't even imagine myself existing if I am entirely honest... I don't know what I am, I simply cannot pinpoint anything anymore. I feel so much hatred, but I know all of that hatred will simply be channelled into a more compelling love- not love, acceptance... letting my arms go limp and nature take it's course. So that is the very reason for the hatred: love...
I feel I lose interest quickly in things... I am inquisitive in my own way, but only if I already know a lot about the content - or if it REALLY interests me. I was at the library with my Dad, and each and every book I picked up, it reminded me of something else - this kept me entertained for an hour; at a shop full of gemstones and minerals, however, this would not likely be the case.
I have loads of ideas... and I despise that I have to fight for survival - that is what life feels like to me: a constant fight for survival... and the physical part is the hardest. I have an incredibly fatalist mentality and was born with seemingly absolutely zero tenacity - I cannot endure even the slightest mark on my skin.
I have lots of ideas though - as I said... they're mostly themes and struggles in my life: I can struggle with love, stupidly, believing it is not special - Adam did not choose Eve; what if God chose to birth one Ave of his rib in Eve's stead? Had Eve not then been born, Adam would have loved Ave, would he have not? Therefore does he truly love Eve, unconditionally? Or just whatever was available to him? If I were Adam, I'd kill God for that betrayal.
What’s more: I feel I am an awful writer… I just find that all the other writers - everyone that I admire, that is - are so authentic and pure in their word-choice and themes… whereas I feel so contrived at all times. There’s a section, from Xiu Xiu’s ‘Apistat Commander’: ‘All this relief, it’s the oddest thing, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God…’ it’s is so vague… yet so real… it’s always pleas for company that get me, like a doe… here’s another:
‘his farewell… and before my death // perhaps near by once more Ill hear // my native tongue! And someone dear, // I’ll dream, some brother, or some friend, // how, gently, over me he’ll bend, // how, tenderly, he’ll wipe my brow // clean of death’s icy sweat, and how // he’ll sing to me in undertone // of that dear country, once my own… // and so I’ll sleep - no curse, no groan!’
I think I’m torn between what happiness even means: is it to stay loyal to a cause, a philosophy, to deny oneself love and life and joy simply to stay loyal to one’s values? Because - and, again, it’s complicated - but I have such an impulse to deny everything that makes me human… it’s not just that that excites my emotions though - not in a way that I am dancing with alacrity -, it’s the journey itself… the metamorphosis and I see this rejection of the human experience as an integral part of this metamorphosis. But… again: is it best to deny myself human pleasures, to deny myself this experience merely out of precedent? Or is it best to admit that I was wrong - in a roundabout way - and give in to my urges? I’m still unsure… this kind of behaviour is never mimicked in my life, by the way; it’s never been an actual, practical problem: I don’t wake up every morning and question if I should go to college as I’m forced into it by society - although that’s a boring view… I’m focused on the spirituality of it almost… the physical, I suppose; I don’t give a damn to think about how society oppresses me. I’m aware of it! Marxism: false consciousness - ironic -, alienation of labour and whatnot… I just don’t really care. It’s my mentality that I care about; my actions are a negligible part of myself. That’s something I’ve always disagreed with: actions maketh man or whatever.
I’ll end there. Thanks to anyone who’s read this far. And please - this is the most I have ever written and by far the most expressive I have ever been publicly - so please, if you know my type - or at least have any idea - I would love to know your thoughts…

I'm going to preface this by saying, these are ceiling comps for these guys if their current skill sets and strengths translate to the NFL with significant development in the NFL, as each comp had to go through. However, for Polk, who was one of "my guys" coming into this draft, I feel very strongly about his comparison being what we will see from him in the NFL. Baker's comp is a lottery jackpot result.
Ja'Lynn Polk, as many of you probably know from all of the posts about him since being drafted, is a fantastic technician with incredible body control and hands. He's not a burner but plays with better speed than he measured at the combine and is adept at creating the subtle separation that allows him to win at the catch point time and again. Where he falls behind his NFL comp here is that he's not quite there after the catch, but he flashed those abilities on a handful of bubble screens and other quick, closer to the LOS, plays. Downfield he wasn't quite as adept at the catch to run transition.
NFL Prospect Comp: Brandon Aiyuk
Let's look back at Aiyuk's draft profile next to Polks.

	Brandon Aiyuk	Ja'Lynn Polk
Height	6'0"	6'1"
Weight	205 lbs	203 lbs
Arm	33 1/2"	31 3/4"
Hand	9 3/4"	9 3/4"
40-Time	4.5	4.52
10-Yard Split	1.52	1.52
Vert Jump	40"	37.5"
Broad Jump	10' 8"	10' 9"

Clearly the measurable comparisons are there, but what was Aiyuk's draft profile? Well, this was his overview from his combine profile.
Ascending receiving prospect who has shown continued improvement since coming from the JUCO ranks. Aiyuk has size, speed and is a natural pass-catcher who plays with good energy but he must improve physicality to handle contested catches. He can be slick and instinctive to separate out of stems and turns, but getting in and out of standard route breaks tends to limit his effectiveness. He needs more polish, but his ability to create yards after catch could get him some early reps while he's still developing. He has the potential to develop into a WR3.

Strengths

Can feast off of off-man coverage. Rapid foot turnover into routes. Flashed ability to manipulate corners away from his route. Bursts out of stems to open windows for his quarterback. Routes are linear but crisp and fast. Long arms and soft hands for above average catch radius. Ball plucker with quick tuck to transition into runner. First-down maker. Considered the YAK (Yards After King) in college football. Able to elude initial tackle and runs with elevated urgency. Instincts and open-field vision of a running back.

Weaknesses

Not always ready for anticipatory throws. Will need to add physicality with his finesse. Could face early struggles against aggressive press-man. Bumpy downfield coverage throws him off-kilter. Average vertical separation. Gained a chunk of receiving yardage on catch-and-run throws. Inconsistent catching through clingy coverage. Needs to learn to create catch space with his frame. Can lose route effectiveness when forced to sink and break.
Are these guys a 1-for-1 perfect comparison, no, but between build-wise, athleticism and the way Polk runs routes and creates separation, he reminds me a lot of Aiyuk coming out of college. Now Aiyuk has transformed his game at the NFL level, so the hope is we see the same from Ja'Lynn over the course of his first couple seasons.
Now, Javon Baker's ceiling comp is going to be much more insane, I know, but I can't help but to see this player when I watch Baker's college tape, more in his highlights than low-lights.
I think Baker may have the higher ceiling than Polk, looking back at his pedigree early on, he was a 5-star recruit who started his college career at Alabama. Going and becoming a true #1 at UCF allowed him to showcase those skills, but they came with inconsistencies. Baker is just a natural route runner, has pretty much all the tools in his belt to get open and create the separation needed at the catch point, but can also put defenders on skates. Big strong hands but struggled with drops early, however he overcame that and finished 2023 strong. Baker is a little lighter than his comp, but was also more productive downfield.
NFL Prospect Comp: Davante Adams

	Davante Adams	Javon Baker
Height	6'1"	6'1"
Weight	212 lbs	202 lbs
Arm	32 5/8"	32 1/4"
Hand	9"	9 5/8"
40-Time	4.56	4.54
10-Yard Split	1.64	1.58
Vert Jump	39.5"	37"
Broad Jump	10' 3"	10' 1"

Again, measurables are there, but how about the draft profile.
A long-limbed, sure-handed possession receiver with starter-caliber, positional traits. Lacks top-end speed and strength. As a 21-year-old, third-year sophomore entering the draft early, is still growing into his body and developing core strength. A poor man's Michael Crabtree, Adams possesses very intriguing upside to be groomed.

Strengths

Has a rangy build with good body length and big hands to palm the ball and make difficult one-handed grabs. Tracks and adjusts to the ball very well downfield. Extends outside his frame and plucks the ball out of the air. Natural hands-catcher. Terrific athlete with good leaping ability and anticipation to properly time jumps and highpoint the ball. Wins jumpballs in the red zone and shows very good hand-eye coordination to take the ball away from defenders. Exceptional production.

Weaknesses

Lacks ideal functional playing strength to consistently beat the jam and can get hung up at the line. Long strider and is not sudden out of his breaks. Production was inflated from a quick-hitting, lateral passing game.
Now, do I expect these two to play up to these comparisons? No, that would be unfair to them. However, with the similarities I see between them, I believe there are extremely translatable traits that will shine through for each. The roles their comparisons have taken within the NFL could, and should, be blueprints for their NFL development.
Each player has their question marks, of course, otherwise they'd be consensus higher picks. Each of their comparisons took time to adjust to the NFL and weren't elite blue chip talents, but since adjusting have been two of the premier players at their positions. In the end, I'm a Patriots homer and chose to believe in each players ability to develop to reach their potential, and these are the two players I see as the upside/potential for each.

Welcome back to the book. My, my, my, we are in the thick of it now! There's so much drama, it's downright scandalous! Let's rehash the plot, shall we?
Summary
Mrs Milroy is expecting a letter, and when she asks a servant, they talk down to her. She puts on makeup, a wig, and rings on her fingers to hide how much she has deteriorated. She is determined to rid the household of “Miss” Gwilt. Mrs Milroy had married young, and the Major was much older. When her daughter was eight, Mrs M lost her health, and her husband lost his fortune. Their marriage soured. She felt like she was robbed of her youth and beauty. Thus her jealous nature got worse.
When Mrs M saw Gwilt for the first time, she was determined that the hussy must go! She bribed her servant with a nice dress to spy on her. Gwilt was above reproach. Next Mrs M wrote to Gwilt's reference about her past. Her letter was returned because no one lived at that address. Miss Rachel the nurse has a second letter to Miss G. She opens it. Mrs M thinks the letter is talking about the right time to tell the Major of her family.
Eleanor brought up her meager breakfast. That alone makes Mrs M suspicious. Eleanor looks out of sorts, and her mom rightly guesses that it's the fault of Miss Gwilty. Armadale broke her heart, but she doesn't tell her mom that. Instead she says she wants Miss G gone. Music to Mrs M’s ears! A mutual hatred. But to accuse her father of impropriety is too much! Mrs M insults her own daughter. Eleanor apologizes to her when Mrs M should be apologizing to Neelie.
Mrs M takes a gentler tack and asks why Neelie hates Gwilt. She stole the affections of Allan Armadale. Allan had asked the Major if he knew anything about Gwilt's past. That news got Mrs M apoplectic with jealousy. It's enough to make a girl wish to attend boarding school!
Mrs M demands a writing desk and will write a letter to Allan that her maid will deliver in private. If Allan travels to Gwilt's reference’s door, then he'll see for himself that it was a lie. (Seems awfully elaborate and Allan is awfully impulsive.)
Allan already feels unsettled about the previous three day's events. Anne Milroy's letter arrives. She starts off apologizing for returning the fruit then provides the answer to his question of Miss G’s references. Why don't you go to London and look for Mrs Mandeville yourself? Splendid idea! I'll be there directly.
He meets Pedgift Junior at the station and shares a train carriage. Mr Bashwood hurriedly places a letter from Gwilt to Oldershaw in his hands. Gwilt knows she is suspected and that mother and daughter are in on a plot to oust her. Pedgift takes the lead in securing Allan a room in a hotel. That evening, Allan tells him that Mrs Mandeville had gone away. Pedgift would have known the right questions to ask, and he promises to accompany him tomorrow.
Pedgift found out that Mandeville left the lodging house in a cab. Next they ask the cabmen nearby if they remember her and where she went. One did, and drove them to the place. It was Oldershaw’s shop in a sus-looking building. There's a shop but no goods in it. (Red curtains. Are these ladies of ill repute? Dr Downwards is the perfect name for that, js.) Pedgift asks a woman with jaundice reading a French novel, a servant, and Dr D himself if they've heard of Mandeville. I bet they'd know Oldershaw if he knew to ask. The two men regroup and agree to meet later.
Both men are dejected when they meet at the hotel. No leads yet. The cabman could have been mistaken. The shop at Pimlico was a den of thieves! (Like another book the Squad has read.) He wrote back to Mrs Milroy that he couldn't find the reference. Allan vows to keep her secret. He grieves the love he had for her.
He receives a letter from Mrs M demanding to know the truth. (You can't handle the truth!) She'll tell her husband of this sordid business. Allan wrote a letter apologizing. She told her husband anyway, and the Major wrote a letter to Allan. He's caught up in their drama and aims to protect Gwilt. The Major wrote a last angry letter. Alan is dead to him now. (Allan should evict them from the cottage.)
Allan is depressed and reminisces about Gwilt and even Neelie. He plans to wait for Ozzy to return then take his yacht for a ride down the coast. Then he receives a letter from Pedgift Senior that changes his plans. The gentry of Norfolk found out about the drama at the Milroy's and blamed Allan for it. Miss Gwilt quit her job and their household and moved into other lodgings. The public is on her side. (Allan stepped in it now. Bish spun it to her benefit.) Mr Darch spun it to his favor. That'll teach him not to rent the cottage out to me!
The public thinks he's afraid to show his face. He should come back and defend himself. Pedgift advises him to send a telegram to the whole town via Pedgift Senior that he's coming back. Gwilt sends a telegram of her own to Oldershaw that things are working out in her favor.
Allan returns, and Pedgift Sr visits in the evening. He asks if Allan went to London on his own initiative or because of someone else. He lies and says it was all his idea. Pedgift knows he's lying. Another option is to pay a private investigator to dig deeply into Gwilt's affairs. A letter arrives from Gwilty requesting a meeting. Pedgift has seen it all before from women like her. Pedgift is incredulous that Allan would even want to see her. It's a trap!
His heart is too tender to refuse despite Pedgift’s objections. They compromise. Pedgift writes a refusal note for him. Pedgift believes she belongs in jail and will keep trying to meet with Allan. He can't bring himself to order the servant to say he's not home. Gwilt had called on Pedgift Sr to say that she didn't blame Allan. He had profiled conwomen as actresses confident in their performance and lies.
As Pedgift Sr predicted, Gwilty forced her way into the house. He won't have her watched (he wants her to lie to him). Pedgift takes a pinch of snuff and makes to leave but stays and makes his case to have Gwilt watched.
When Pedgift Sr saw Major “What's-o’clock,” he was annoyed to see him. Neelie looked distressed. She didn't want Allan to think she was involved in this mess. Gwilt had told her, “You are not Mrs Armadale yet.” The nerve of her! Gwilt vowed to get her back. Neelie is kept in the dark about the whole matter. Allan should protect her from Gwilty. He finally agrees to have Gwilt watched.
Bashwood makes his way to the poor side of town. He appears bashful and crushes on a woman coming towards him. It's Gwilt of course. She knows she's being followed by another man. Bashwood is a spy for her. She must know if Allan and Neelie make up.
Gwilt walks in the countryside and catches the spy outright. She throws his hat in a pool of water. Who should come along but Ozzy. Gwilt tells him she's being followed but not who sent him. She turns on the charm and pretends to be a damsel in distress. She invites him to have tea at her apartment. Ozzy still loves her. Absence only made his heart grow fonder.
She spins a story that Miss Milroy is out to marry Allan, and she is the wronged party. Allan was used by others to tarnish her good name. (Bish is projecting like a camera obscura.) They have an understanding because Ozzy has a tragic painful past, too. She doesn't even love Allen (or Ozzy). Oh, poor little Gwilty was wronged and is the victim.
Ozzy refuses to believe that Allan would do such a thing, and he will find out who used him. Ozzy leaves, and Gwilty looks at herself in the mirror and questions whether she has any conscience and whether she loves him. Nah! Of course not. She writes to “Mother Jezebel” Oldershaw that she can use Ozzy to get to Allan. Then she tore it up, unpinned her hair, and went to bed.
Ozzy makes his way to Thorpe Ambrose and overhears two servants betting that Allan will be kicked out of town soon. He declares himself, and tells them not to wake Allan.
The next morning, Allan is nowhere in the house. The groom said he had left with some flowers. Allan was trying to meet Neelie, to no avail. The friends reunite. How did Ozzy hear of his troubles? From Miss Gwilt?! They cheated me. I can explain.
But Ozzy doesn't want his justification or explanation. He believes that Allen wasn't to blame for Gwilty getting fired. Allen can sense there's something coming between them. (That woman!) Ozzy doesn't believe that the spy was hired by his friend. But he was! Gwilty threatened Neelie. No big deal, thinks Ozzy. Poor little Gwilty is so persecuted!
Ozzy wouldn't be so quick to defend her unless he was in love with her. Allan figured it out. They glare at each other until Ozzy raises his fist in anger. The statue falls and breaks like in the dream. Ozzy leaves. Allan has no allies now. It starts to thunder and rain.
Extras
The Marginalia in case you read ahead.
Prunella is a fabric made of twill or silk used in women's shoes or judge's robes.
Mens sana in corpore sano: a healthy mind in a healthy body
Mesmerism
Come back next week, May 5, for Book 3 Chapters 9-13 when u/DernhelmLaughed takes the reins.

It couldn't be.
I dropped the reusable bags but kept walking, kicking through the pile on my way into the store.
"Uh, Chris?" Shannon asked. "The bags?"
"Yeah, yeah." I didn't stop, leaving her behind in the lobby. I walked through the produce section to clothing to housewares to a wall of toilet paper. The Value Club had everything but an easily accessible back door.
Shannon found me sitting on a gigantic multipack of triple-ply quilted, the good stuff.
"Hi," I said, afraid to look at her.
"Hi," she said before sitting beside me. The pack was so wide, practically a couch.
"Did you know Value Club is actually the last Price Club and the managers pooled their money to keep it out of the Costco merger?"
"I did," Shannon said. "Someone usually mentions it every single time we shop here." She squeezed my kneecap. "Want to tell me why you're sitting on toilet paper? That's new."
"Can we leave first?"
My wife's dark eyebrows knitted with concern. "Chris, what's going on?"
"We have to go, Shannon," I urged her, panic beginning to rise. "The orange horse," I whispered, "is here." I covered my mouth, afraid that it might hear.
"The what?"
I wrung my hands. "Didn't you see it? It's right inside the front doors. The coin operated ride. Oh god, what if some kid rides it? That's why it's here. Of course. Why else?"
"Chris," Shannon said slowly, "you're scaring me."
"We have to go." I tugged on her wrist.
"Okay, okay, we can go." She started pulling me because I only stared helplessly at the toilet paper wall again. "Come on."
"Not that way!" I said too loud. A teen moving paper towels from a pallet to another pallet stopped and took out his earbuds. "We have to go out the back," I said more calmly.
Patiently, Shannon helped us find an exit through a delivery bay. We had to walk around the fortress of a store in the rain. I wouldn't let her go back into the lobby for the bags I'd dropped.
"Chris, come on. It's wasteful."
I'd already started the car. "You should have got them before."
"When you dropped them?"
"Yeah."
"I was more worried about my flaky husband."
"Get in the car, Shannon. There's no time." If she went back in, I would have left her behind. I love her but this fear runs deeper. She would have understood if she'd been there all those years ago with the orange horse.
When we were safe(r) in our kitchen and had changed out of our wet clothes, I opened up two bottles of wine and set them on the granite island.
"Gonna be some afternoon," she said, going to the cupboard for our wine glasses. Retreating to the living room couch, Shannon waited patiently while I lit the fireplace and drank and muttered about the heavy rain and whether or not our stunted trees by the back fence could survive another deluge.
Eventually, the alcohol wore through her patience. Shannon was not happy drunk. Neither was she mean, however. Aggressive would be more accurate. Often sexually, which I would have enjoyed if not for that thing at Value Club.
"Spill it, my love," she demanded.
I drained my glass and poured some more.
"Enough dramatics. Now, Chris."
"I'm not trying to be dramatic," I said truthfully. "I'm procrastinating because I don't want to talk about it. I don't ever want to think about it. It was thirty years ago."
"Chris…"
"Okay. Okay." I had to work up to it. "Remember Channel 14?"
She shook her head. "Not at all. Channel 14?"
"Local cable," I said. "It ran local TV shows. Pretty much all garbage, created by the best losers of Bridal Veil Lake. Anyone could have a show if they had a bit of money or a connection."
She sipped her wine, readying herself for what I was about to drop. Shannon is the best. Did I really want to bring her into my nightmares? She deserved better. We would stop going to Value Club. A childless couple didn't need to shop there. We just liked big stuff.
I put down my wine.
"Oh no you don't," she said, gripping my forearm, at first tenderly, and then pressing her sharp nails against my skin. "My love, if you don't tell me now, I intend to draw blood." She smiled and I knew the threat would be carried out.
"Okay, okay, so…"
The tip of talons dug in.
I yelped. "A talking horse! A talking horse! I was on a kids' show about a talking horse."
Nails relented, and her touch became comforting again. "The orange horse?"
I nodded. I had to sit down in one of our reading chairs by the fire.
My wife looked worried. I never acted like this. Our decade of marriage had been carefree and easy. "What happened on the show, Chris?"
"The horse could talk."
"Yes, you said that-"
"No, you don't understand. It could really talk. The hard plastic mouth moved and it could talk. The eyes too. The painted black dots rolled around in the whites." I shivered despite the waves of heat coming from the fire.
Shannon topped us up. "You never mentioned being on a kid's show before. How old were you?"
"Four. Five when it ended. I was the last kid. I can't remember the names of the others. One was Bella, I think. It called her Octa-Bella. I don't know why."
"Well, now I have to see, Chris," she said. She took out her phone.
"Good luck finding a copy of that-"
"Your mom has it in the shared drive."
Of course she did.
Shannon started watching with the volume high. Mom, damn it, she never understood the dread of that place, and didn't believe me when I said I was scared. To this day, she thinks we don't speak or see each other often because I'm so busy. The truth is I'll never stop resenting her for bringing me to Channel 14.
I didn't have to see the video on Shannon's phone to pair the awful piano intro with the black screen gradually filled with mechanical white type: The Orange Horse.
The words disappear and then, depending on the episode, there are kids, or one kid, on a stage in the dark, surrounding a shiny orange horse, a coin operated ride with a real leather saddle and reins that never helped anyone.
Poor sound quality picks up or makes an ambient buzzing that persists throughout each episode. That sound makes my stomach turn because it means it will speak soon, and it will choose.
"Hello children," says the orange horse, his voice a deep and unfriendly monotone. "Which one of you will try tonight? Have you decided? Or shall I?" The hinged mouth moves but rarely in synchronization with its words.
As Shannon watched and listened, I recalled the strong oiled scent of the mechanical beast and the way its pinprick eyes could swell until they took away the rest of the already empty scene and you would be alone with it. No one could come to save you, even had they wanted to.
Shannon paused the screen with her thumb. "Hang on, there's a timestamp thingy in the corner. Past midnight. Were you filming at night? That couldn't have been legal. Not even in the 80s."
"We weren't recording," I said, trembling so hard I could barely drink. "It was live. There wasn't a script. No rehearsals. No crew. Just us and the horse."
Shannon knelt down and weaved her fingers with mine. "My love, there must have been some people. Somebody filmed this. Your mom, for all her faults, wouldn't have ditched you with nobody."
"She brought a toddler there at midnight," I said, more angrily than expected. "You overestimate her parenting." Still, Shannon's suggestion stirred up a memory.
There had been an old man, a somber, silent guy. I don't remember him saying anything. He opened the studio doors and ensured they closed behind me.
"Have fun," my mom would say from the walkway outside. Channel 14 was a small, squat building, a brown, windowless rectangle. It'd been on the outskirts of Bridal Veil Lake beside a strip joint that never changed its sign: Grand Opening December.
The old guy would point the way to the heavy curtain at the end of a long, dim hallway. None of the track lights above were ever completely functional. They flickered and held on to burnt out tubes that seemed to emit a smoke coiling around the popcorn ceiling.
Beyond the curtain, the other kids were already there. We never talked or said hello. The orange horse ride waited, a presence demanding your attention. I remember the kids screaming when it spoke.
If you hadn't been through the ordeal already, you screamed. Some weeks there were a lot that screamed. Most times we waited for it to choose a rider in silence.
Often, the heavy oil odour would turn my stomach. There was another little girl in a knitted, pink sweater. She used to hold my hand until the night she was chosen. I never saw her again after that.
I remember her ride.
I remember prying my fingers from hers, and how she cried when the orange horse said her name. Stirrups, a rein, and the pommel were all too big for children. The saddle had been made with adults in mind it seemed.
"Erin, it's your turn to ride, time to see what wriggles inside." Its rhyme was as clumsy as its mouth. The eyes rolled and stopped with a sharp click that always made the chosen rider flinch. They were just dots of paint, and yet you just knew when the orange horse stared at you.
Her little hand slipped on the hard plastic mane as she tried to climb up. I steadied her and helped her on. She wrapped the reins around her forearms. The stirrups were too low; she couldn't put her feet through, so she tried to brace her heels against the lump of tail fused to the orange body. Others had tried that too.
The ride started gently at first, and then, without warning…
"Chris! Chris!" Shannon was shouting at me. A frantic shrieking tore from my throat. I lay on the floor by the fireplace and the waves of heat were too much. Sweat and drool and tears ran in rivulets down my face and body. I'd also pissed myself but didn't notice until I got changed later.
My wife held me without judgment and rocked me back and forth as she did when this would happen in the middle of the night.
"Oh my god, it's your night terrors," she said. "This is what they're about."
"Yeah," I admitted weakly. "Did you see it? Did you see what it did?"
She shook her head. "The ride starts and the footage ends immediately. You were so cute, but, yeah, not happy. None of the kids looked very happy."
"We weren't."
Shannon tapped her phone and brought it to her ear.
"What are you doing?"
"Calling your mom," she said.
"What? Why?" I tried to get up and found that more difficult than expected due to drunkenness and wobbly limbs full of fear.
"Hey, Jacqueline, yeah, it's Shannon." She walked off and I heard the side door swing open and bang shut. Her voice became an angry murmur through the walls. Not a nice drinker at all.
I sprawled on the couch and watched the fire.
The side door banged again and Shannon stood above me. "Let’s go." She took my hand and started pulling.
"What? Where?" I was afraid I already knew.
"To that stupid horse ride."
I leaned back, and she groaned from the sudden extra weight. "Come on, Chris. You need to see that it's just a toy, and nothing-"
"It's not, it's not. I'm not going back. We're never going there again."
"Chris, sweetheart," she said with false patience, "your mom explained it all. T You wanted to be on the show because you watched it on TV. She thought it'd be a good way for you to meet some other kids. When it was canceled, she said you were sad."
"And you believed her?" I wrung my hand out of Shannon's. "What about all the kids?"
"What about them?"
"They didn't come back…" I tried to remember Erin's ride and what had happened. The orange horse always got carried away and the kids fell off, and then… I couldn't remember.
"So you think the orange horse killed them? And your mom thought that was great and kept bringing you? Chris, be reasonable. There's no mention of this show on the internet, and nothing about kids dying on a show or going missing. Was it a weird experience? For sure. Did it traumatize you? Yes. Was a plastic horse somehow responsible or were you just so young that your mind misinterpreted details, got confused, and made it scarier than it seemed?"
"Shannon," I said, weary from her rant. "You weren't there."
"True, but where was I when I was four? I couldn't tell you. We barely remember anything before five. And what we do recall can be easily misconstrued due to our underdeveloped kid brains."
She was beginning to make sense, and I started to feel a little dumb. The fear remained, however, and I didn't want to go to Value Club. We argued some more, and came to a compromise by evening: Baby steps.
We'd pay the orange horse a quick visit after supper, and I could say when it was time to leave. The store didn't close until nine. Since we were a little drunk, we'd take a taxi. It all seemed so reasonable.
I hesitated outside the automatic sliding doors. A steady stream of customers gave us looks, some irritated, as they passed around Shannon and I. She tugged gently on my arm and whispered support.
Every instinct told me to run. That thing waited inside, just on the other side of some opaque glass. I held my breath, closed my eyes, and let her be my guide. The oiled saddle clotted the air with its odour. I gasped because I thought we were close to it.
When I opened my eyes, the stench seemed to fade, and the orange horse was still some meters away. Its long body gleamed beneath the huge lights hanging from the ceiling. I could see our faint shadows in its hind quarters.
"You okay, Chris?" Shannon asked. "You want to go?"
I kept staring at the horse's face.The pinpoint eyes were needles. The closed mouth hid teeth. There were teeth in there. Surely, that hadn't been a false memory.
"Chris?"
"Do you have a quarter?"
She opened her hand, the warm coin inside. "You don't have to. Really, I'm sorry if I was pushy. Clearly, this thing freaked you out a lot when you were a kid. Imagine how tired you must have been, filming at midnight."
I remembered the last show.
"Christopher," it said, "it's your time to ride, time to see what wriggles inside." Five-years-old and I felt a hundred. I was the last one, the only kid on the stage that night.
The orange horse had no one but me to choose. So I started climbing up to the saddle before its clunky mouth shut.
But then…
"I slipped off," I told Shannon.
"You what?" She'd been staring at the orange horse too, and had her arms wrapped around herself. "This thing is sort of creepy. No wonder you're traumatized. Gotta be worse in the dark, alone."
"When it was my turn," I said, "there was no one there to catch me when I lost my grip on the stupid mane. I fell and cut my lip, I think. Somebody came and brought me outside to my mom. She was smoking and sitting on the hood of our car. My lip got so fat."
"Why were you alone?"
"I don't know."
"Are you sure you were alone, Chris?" Shannon asked reluctantly. "I mean, it doesn't make a lot of sense. We should talk to your mom again. I shouldn't have yelled at her."
I looked at the quarter. The orange horse worked on its own. It moved without money. I tried hard to recall a coin slot, but couldn't.
Doubt gnawed hard at my certainty about the stupid ride and the whole Channel 14 ordeal. Maybe the ride just looked like the one from my memory. Yet, I'd started trembling so much, I dropped the quarter.
That's when its mouth unhinged to reveal paint chipped squares resembling teeth, and the eyeballs rotated around and around. I seized hold of Shannon as she put a protective arm in front of me.
A speaker somewhere inside the horse began a script so static ridden we couldn't make out any words.
"Okay, that is scary," Shannon confirmed. I backed away from her and the orange horse. "Chris?"
"I want to leave now. You said I could decide. I'm deciding. Let's go. Please, Shannon, please. I want to go." The voice had been incomprehensible but I felt called to ride. I'd never done mine. Only I had escaped. What had happened to the other kids?
Time to see what wriggles inside…
"Fuck this thing," Shannon said. She scooped up the quarter and advanced on the ride. I swear its attention shifted from me, and I felt so guilty, but the sense of relief wasn't mere imagination.
"Shannon," I said, "get away from it." I wanted to go closer and pull her away, but couldn't get my legs to move. "Shannon…"
She swung her long leg over the saddle and picked up the reins. "This is the most poorly thought out children's ride ever. Her feet slid into the stirrups easily because the whole saddle had, of course, been originally made for an adult. The orange horse looked small beneath her. "You're going to see, Chris. I'm going to show you."
"Shannon, don't-"
Her whole body jolted intensely after the first sway of the ride. The metal in the stirrup made contact with the steel base, where an exposed wire coiled below in the interior, electrifying the plate into an instrument of death.
She didn't look dead. I smelled her death - her cooking flesh - before I saw it.
Had I not been a coward, and tried to grab her, I'd have been electrocuted too.
Employees raced around and an old guy used a broom to unplug the ride. Shannon's body slumped over the orange horse as its eyes spun around one last time.
It's your turn to ride…
I could hear its voice so perfectly within my thoughts.
"It's happened before," my mom said, "in China. I looked it up." We were suddenly sitting inside an ambulance and I don't remember when she arrived or how we got here." My eyes felt sore. "Kids never could reach the stirrups, and even then, it was a fluke, Chris. If the steel part hadn't touched the other steel part, well, we wouldn't…" She cleared her throat, unable to finish her sentence.
"Mom," I said, "why did you put me on that show?"
"The show? Channel 14?" She pretended to clear her throat again. "You were fascinated with the horse. You begged me to take you to see it, even when they weren't filming. Even when there were no other kids there. You loved that thing."
"I didn't," I said. "It scared me. What was the show about?"
"The orange horse," she said, as if that explained it all. A paramedic appeared to check on me. The ambulance started moving. We were going to the hospital.
Time launched itself to Shannon's funeral and then an idle Tuesday afternoon of no particular importance. I held another glass of wine. I sat in one of the reading chairs. Hers remained empty.
Would always be empty.
Heavy rain poured. Those stunted trees by the fence were up to their evergreens in water.
It was just an accident. My mom had been right about coin operated rides. Apparently, they send kids to hospitals every year. Even the exposed wire thing had happened before.
I started to cry. If I hadn't gotten so spooked in Value Club, Shannon would be here, alive, and we'd be happy.
"Stupid horse," I cursed into my cup before slurping some more wine.
That's when the TV came on. It began with a warm, yellow light in the center of the screen, which expanded until the typewriter noise began. I seized the arms of the chair. My cup shattered against the fireplace.
T H E O R A N G E H O R S E
The white letters appeared one at a time with the mashing of those keys. A blurry scene gradually focused like a dream and there I was, five-years-old, exhaustedly standing by the ride.
"Christopher," the horse said, eyes spinning, lazy mouth opening only once for multiple syllables, "it's your turn to ride, time to see what wriggles inside."
I started screaming. My memory hadn’t been mistaken about the smallest detail. I had been alone. My small hand reached for the mane and I slipped, and my chin clipped the hard plastic. What happened next, I did not recall.
Five-year-old me sprawled out on the floor. I looked unconscious.
The orange horse snorted and his eyes spun so fast, the black dot blurred into a ragged circle.
"Time to see what wriggles inside," it said again. And then again. And again. And again. I hadn't moved. I was unconscious.
A curtain pushed aside briefly, revealing a host of people sitting on bleachers. I'd always thought we were alone. An older man stepped onto the sound stage and knelt down by my head.
"Kid didn't even make it to the saddle," he called back to the audience and the crowd beyond the curtain laughed until the orange horse emitted a sharp, piercing whinny. They quieted instantly. The older man's smile fell and he bowed his head low, mumbling apologetically as he scooped me up.
The thrum of the lights or a furnace dominated the empty space once more.
"Better take him, Jacks," he said.
The curtain swept aside and my fucking mom walked out in a huff. She had the old guy carry me off the stage. That's about when I started to regain consciousness.
My TV shut off then. It didn't have to show me what followed because I remembered my mom lighting up a cigarette and sitting on the hood of our car.
I must have been groggy from the fall or the late hour. Seemed like we were outside Channel 14 a long time before she took me home. She never said a word. She didn't have to in order to convey her disappointment.
Behind a row of empty bottles, I found my phone. I got my coat and hopped in the car without waiting for a response. She'd be there. I knew she would.
Jacqueline waited inside the front entrance of Value Club, staring at the horse nobody had bothered to move. Only a stretched out bit of caution tape deterred any future riders.
The urge to punch my mom in the back of the head dwindled swiftly in the presence of the orange horse. I felt exhausted and stupid.
"What the fuck, mom?"
"Watch your language, Chris." My mom swore all the time, casually and for fun. Now in her seventies, she rarely hesitated to pepper her judgments of other drivers with a litany of expletives. Her sudden attention to etiquette implied the religious significance of the horse I now suspected.
"So what? You think it's Jesus? Horse Jesus? Fucking plastic horse Jesus?"
"Sh!" she hissed.
The mouth unhinged and popped so hard I thought it would fall off. Again, static came from the deeply buried recorder within. It didn't matter. I knew the words and what it wanted. Unbelievably, the ride remained plugged into the wall, and I had zero confidence the exposed wire had been fixed.
"You never did take your ride, Chris," Jacqueline said. She kept her hands folded against her chest and continued looking at the stupid, fucking horse.
"You want me to fucking die? Like the other kids on the show? Fuck, why was it a show? Why did it want a show? Huh?!" I ripped away the caution tape. "Why'd you make it a show, you fucking piece of shit!" I threw an ill advised punch against the side of its head and immediately broke my hand. "Fuck!"
"Christopher!" Jacqueline cradled my swelling, bleeding fist. "The show was an invitation. How was anyone to know about it otherwise? And nobody died. Sure, some kids fell off, and got injured. Most kids, I guess. Nobody died until… Shannon. And that was an accident. The orange horse was a test. If you could hang on, then you were in. If not, then-"
"You were outside. Holy… mom, what the hell is going on? What is this thing?"
She wrapped my hand in a kerchief from her purse and patted my cheek before she spoke. "It's something, Chris. It's really something. That's all I can say with any certainty. The people in this town, they all follow something, and this… this is just the something that found us first. You want to know what it is, then you know what you have to do."
It's your turn to ride.
I started my approach, each step a triumph over fear so deeply ingrained into my character I didn't know myself without it. If I could take that ride, and hang on for the duration, I would be someone totally new.
Shannon's death had been an accident.
Something greater resided in or around the orange horse.
My whole life I'd been waiting to find…
what wriggles inside
I threw up all over the saddle as soon as my undamaged hand gripped the pommel. A strong grip snagged my collar and dragged me away before I could even try to mount. The struggle against the intervener lasted only a few seconds before I was pinned to the ground by three Value Club employees and a security guard.
"Sir! That isn't safe!" the guard yelled in my face.
"Hey," another employee said, "somebody plugged it back in."
Jacqueline was already long gone by that point. Eventually, I calmed down enough to be escorted from the store. My mom wasn't in the parking lot, and she wouldn't answer my calls or texts. Her apartment had been vacated already for a week.
In short, I don't know where she is. Or why she probably wanted me dead.
I got rid of my TV. I'm tempted to ditch all screens, including the one I'm currently typing this on. I'm terrified the orange horse will take it over to send me another video.
Value Club removed the ride. Some PR person promised it'd be destroyed asap. Yet, I got a weird feeling they were lying. I'd chop and burn the evil thing myself if I thought it would kill it.
But the orange horse remains. It visits during my sleep. I'm a kid again, and I always take my ride, and fall off when it gets out of control.
I fall and fall and fall, back into my body, asleep until impact. I sit up and gasp, but my wife isn't there.
Shannon's gone.
And I'm alone because I couldn't ride a stupid, plastic horse.

I used to know a girl called Mistletoe.
“My parents thought it'd be cute to name me that as a nod to their first kiss,” she always joked. “Shame they didn't realise mistletoe is a parasite that literally sucks the life out of its host.”
Understandably, she went by Miz.
The day Miz disappeared started like any other. My hometown had humble beginnings as a handful of shabby buildings erected in a Sherwood Forest clearing. Centuries later there are rows of terraced housing, small businesses and the forest has receded. There are still pockets of ancient woodland within walking distance though and, with only five TV channels and the internet still in its infancy, these woodlands were where we spent most of the summer holidays back when we were kids.
At first they were just hangouts to trade Pokémon cards and build dens. But when we got older The Trees (as we came to call our favourite spot) was a great place to drink, smoke cigarettes and occasionally get stoned if anyone had the money. There were rumours of worse going on in nearby Glover's Wood but to be truthful we were a tame bunch and never went there to investigate.
The summer day in question was hot and balmy. I remember I received a text from Mistletoe saying that we were meeting at The Trees around midday. When I got there Miz was already talking with Gus and Cherie, trying to convince them that we should hike all the way out to the old fishing pond on the other side of the woods.
To understand how strange of a request this was, you really need to know a little bit more about Miz. She was smart, pretty, with freckles and a blonde pixie cut. But Miz was no manic pixie dream girl. She was studious, reserved and shy around people she didn't know. Miz was also a bit emo (to use the parlance of the time). She was always reading novels by dead Russian guys, writing in her journal and, on days when the weather was bad, Miz could be found playing her acoustic guitar in the cramped bedroom she shared with her sister. My point is that Miz being adamant about anything was kind of rare. She mostly just went with the flow.
But that afternoon Miz was determined we all go and so, despite the heat, the four of us headed up the woodland footpath towards the fishing pond. Once we got there we actually had a lot of fun. Sunbathing, skimming stones and doing the quizzes in Cherie's trashy magazines. Miz was strangely distant though, even though the pond had been her idea. Whilst we goofed around she sat on the bank staring out across the water, occasionally making a note in her journal. It was a relief when she finally stood up and asked if anyone fancied taking the boat out.
The one boat abandoned by the side of the pond was a small rowboat with a single oar and just enough room for two people. After we rescued the rowboat from its prison of brambles Miz and I went out on the water. We paddled around the pond laughing and splashing water at each other, we timed ourselves to see how fast we could paddle bank to bank, and we talked in stupid pirate voices the whole time. After a while, Miz asked me to paddle out to the centre of the pond so we could work out how deep it was. She took the oar from me and pushed it down into the water, following it in with her outstretched arm right up to her elbow. From her measurements we guessed the pond was somewhere between eight and nine feet deep.
Our little boat trip was nice. Really nice actually, one last good memory before everything went so wrong. All good things must come to an end though, and once the sun began to sink we came ashore and then the four of us all headed back along the footpath.
As we neared The Trees Miz slowed and stopped me.
“Me and you,” she said quietly, “we're coming back out tonight.”
Now, I was a teenager and, like I said, Mistletoe was pretty. What I was hoping for must have registered on my face because Miz rolled her eyes.
“Don't get any ideas,” she said. “We're not doing that, we're doing this.” She handed me a folded up piece of paper. “Don't read it until you get home.”
Believe it or not I still have this piece of paper. I'd kept it tucked inside a secondhand copy of Anna Karenina Mistletoe lent me before she disappeared. When I looked it was still there, all these years later. I'll type out what was printed on the paper for you below:

Wherever two worlds meet a porous boundary is created. Exocyde is a game that takes advantage of this boundary effect, offering one of two players the chance to commune with the other side and receive an answer to their most desperate question. Two people, the Speaker and the Witness, must take a Vessel out onto the water in full dark and under a half moon. An electronic Receiver is also required and must be present aboard the Vessel.
Once the Vessel is upon the water, a weighted Tether is dropped to the waterbed linking the Vessel to the wateearth Boundary. The Witness may then light a candle, this is the Beacon. If the ritual has been set up correctly the game begins and the pair's resolve will be Tested. Should both Speaker and Witness remain silent and keep the Beacon alight during the Test they will have passed. Only then will the Speaker receive a call on their Receiver from the Caller. Once prompted the Speaker may ask their question. But be warned, once the question is answered the Caller will demand a rich price be paid for the information. This is the Forfeit and it cannot be evaded or escaped.

Rule One: Exocyde must only be played upon freshwater.

The gamespace must be deep enough that, if the Speaker and Witness were to stand upon the bottom, neither would break the surface.

Rule Two: The Vessel must be propelled by the Speaker's labour only.
Rule Four: The Tether must link the Vessel directly to the Boundary.
Rule Five: The Receiver is the only electronic device allowed aboard the Vessel.

Any two-way communication device such as a house phone or CB radio may serve as Receiver. Any other devices must be kept external to the gamespace.

Rule Six: The Witness must light and maintain the Beacon. The game begins when the Beacon is lit. If the Beacon is extinguished, the game ends.
Rule Seven: Whilst the Test will be different for every Speaker and Witness combination, the goal is always to remain silent and to keep the Beacon lit throughout.
Rule Eight: If either the Speaker or the Witness speak once the Beacon is lit, the game ends. If either the Speaker or Witness enter the water, all is lost.
Rule Nine: Only the Speaker may speak with the Caller. The Speaker may speak only when The Caller addresses them.

The Speaker must answer the Caller's questions in either the monosyllabic affirmative or the monosyllabic negative. The only exception is when the Caller prompts the Speaker to ask their question. Under no circumstances is the Speaker permitted to ask the Caller to identify themselves.

Rule Ten: The Forfeit is non-negotiable.

After the Caller declares the nature of the Forfeit, the Speaker must—

Bizarre, right? Rule Ten is cut off at the bottom of the page, like there was too much text for a single sheet of A4 or the message board or forum or wherever Mistletoe got Exocyde from was incomplete. I haven't failed to notice that Rule Three is either missing or deliberately omitted either. The only other detail of note on the paper are the words The Trees 9pm written in Mistletoe's handwriting and underlined.
Back to the day that Mistletoe disappeared.
After dinner I told my parents I was going to bed to watch a film and snuck out through my window. As expected Miz was waiting for me at The Trees. To be honest I was still hoping that this was some weird emo version of foreplay and I was going to get lucky. But, of course, Miz told me that we were hiking out to the pond to play Exocyde.
The pond seemed very different at night. Whilst the surrounding woodland had resembled a picturesque scene from a storybook in the day, in the darkness the trees looked crooked and warped. Creaking limbs seemed to reach for us as we walked along the bank. Above, the sky was cloudless, the pond below still and perfectly reflective. It looked as though I'd be able to scoop a star or even the moon from the water if I wanted to.
Miz made me leave my mobile phone on the bank with hers and then she launched the boat and paddled us out. She stowed the oar and opened the backpack she had brought. She pulled out an old ring dial telephone with a long extension cord attached. I noticed Miz had tied some kind of lumpy fishing ledger to the end of the cord and it sank quickly when she threw it overboard. Next, Miz sat down and coiled the slack into her lap. She reached into her bag again and passed me a candle and matchbox.
“Light it,” she instructed. “And no matter what happens, don't say a word.”
At first what happened was precisely nothing. Sure, there was the rustling of trees and the gentle lapping of water against the boat. At one point I thought I heard laughter from deep within the woods, but nothing otherworldly. My mind started to wander and, being the teenage cliché I was, I soon found myself staring at Miz in the candlelight. She was peering across the water, deep in thought and trembling slightly. She was still wearing the denim shorts and old band tee she'd had on all day. Perfect for a hot summer afternoon but I wondered if she was starting to feel the chill of the night air. Maybe I should scoot over and put my arm around—
THUD
The sound reverberated through the hull of the rowboat like we'd hit floating debris at top speed. But we weren't moving, we were tethered and still.
Miz looked at me and raised a finger to her lips. Then I saw that the cord in her lap was uncoiling, slowly being pulled into the water. Miz noticed too and promptly wrapped her fingers around the remaining slack. When the cord met resistance, whatever was pulling on it started to yank it over and over again, rocking the boat and causing me to almost drop the candle. Somehow the cord didn't snap, somehow I managed to keep the candle alight.
After a short struggle the line went slack again.
Confused, I leaned over the boat and looked into the water. All I saw was my own reflection. No, not my reflection at all. It was Mistletoe's reflection in place of mine. Ghostly pale and shivering. She mouthed the words Help me…
I reached out with my free hand but the real Mistletoe grabbed me and pulled me back into my seat. Out of the corner of my eye I saw the reflection dissolve and a dark shape behind it turn in the water and dive. Had whatever it was somehow used Mistletoe's reflection as a disguise?
THUD THUD THUD
Bangs on the boat like a hailstorm of arrows turning their target into a pincushion. We both held onto the rim of the rowboat as the barrage continued, rocking the boat violently. I'm sure we both gasped but crucially I don't think either of us actually spoke any words.
THUD THUD THUD
And then, as suddenly as the clatter had begun, it ceased. For a few moments the boat continued to rock before gently coming to a stop. The water became calm.
Then, to my absolute horror, the phone began to ring.
Miz drew in a deep breath and raised the receiver to her ear. After a whistle of static I heard a voice speak on the other end. Cold and ragged like sheet ice cracking. I could hear the voice but I couldn't make out what it was saying. Mistletoe on the other hand listened and then answered “Yes”, then “No”, and then “No” again.
Then she asked her question in a low growl:
“Why haven't I been granted what I'm rightfully owed?”
The Caller responded but still I could hear no words. This was a long answer that went on for at least a minute. Eventually, Mistletoe said “Yes'' and then the voice continued.
As the Caller's tone became increasingly vicious, the colour drained from Mistletoe's face. In the candlelight I watched as a tear trickled down her cheek. Finally, Miz slammed the handset home, cutting the Caller off mid-sentence.
I blew out the candle.
We didn't talk much on the way back to The Trees. I was too shaken up. When we got there Miz gave me a long hug before telling me she would call me tomorrow and explain everything. Then she walked off into the darkness. I never saw or heard from Mistletoe again.
That night broke me. I retreated into myself, became a different person. I was scared of leaving the house, scared of being with people, scared of being alone.
There was an investigation into Mistletoe's disappearance of course, but it struck me as half-hearted. Mistletoe was a teenage girl who had run away from a broken home to try and make it on her own. That was the official line but I never believed it. Someone or something stole Mistletoe away and I knew it. But, shamefully, I never came forward to reveal what I had witnessed that night. I never told the police, my parents or even Gus and Cherie. I thought I would be ignored at best and considered a suspect at worst. After all, I was the last person to see Mistletoe alive.
When my family moved away eight months later I was beyond relieved. Still broken, but at least further away from the Caller and that cold, feral voice.
After that I coasted for years. Uninspiring grades at school turned into a lacklustre degree. Then, after bumming around for almost a decade, I got a job at a struggling Midlands rag, the Sentinel. I'm not even a real reporter, I run the ad pages. But two months ago I saw that my hometown was on the circulation list. That stirred something in me. I realised that words I had written had found their way back to my hometown. Even though it was just crappy advertising copy I felt like I had taken a first step without even realising it. Suddenly, I knew what I needed to do.
That's why I'm writing and posting this. As a statement of intent, as a plea for assistance. I'm heading back home to Edwinstoak tomorrow. And I'm not coming back until I've figured this whole thing out.
Even if I have to search every inch of that godforsaken forest myself.
Even if I have to play that damned game again.
I already know what my question will be:
“What happened to Mistletoe Marrion-May after she played Exocyde?”
-- John

I am 30 years old. Don’t take any medication or prescriptions. I am 6’2 and 240 pounds. I was drinking water at work and felt a pop in my throat more on the left side… went to the er had an X-ray and they didn’t see anything so I’m guessing that’s a good start at least? But he said it can either be torn vocal cord or a ruptured ligament in my throat and now my left side of my neck kind of hurts.. my Adam’s apple is sore to the touch.. and it hurts to swallow. Any time I look anything up it won’t say anytime other than sore throat.. it’s annoying I was tested for strep and nothing.. it feels like something is wrong.. my voice is raspy and kinda bothered to talk and… dr referred me to an ent dr which I’ll be calling Monday to see when I can get in…. Just need feedback and piece of mind cause I’m depressed and stressed about this.

 It's Friday, April 19th in New York City. Donald Trump is on trial for one of the many crimes he is accused of. Around 1:39 that afternoon, a man walks up to police barricades and the crowd of onlookers and media. He throws pamphlets on the ground before taking out a bottle of liquid and pouring it over his head and body. At 1:39 PM, the man lit himself on fire collapsing onto a police barricade. Police and bystanders attempted to extinguish the flames but their efforts failed to save the life of Max Azzarello. 

What would posses a man to do something like this? Well if you read all the news reports, it's because he was a crazy conspiracy theorist that lost his mind. That's where most of us left it. As with any story, there is usually more to it that we don't know. I don't like not knowing and this was a drastic and insane act that I had to better understand. Who is Max Azzarello and what was on the pamphlets he threw down before his horrible act? I started by looking into who Max was. He was some what of an activist, a researcher and investigator (in his own right) and a genuinely good person according to friends and family. Those close to him were devastated by the news and the actions that Max took on this April afternoon. The media has highlighted any flaw or error Max had during his life as they usually do when they want you to feel a certain way about someone. Outside of the act of setting himself on fire very publicly, why do they want you to dismiss him as a nut job? I had to find out what this was all about, what drove a seemingly normal man to do something this drastic. This final. With the help of a friend, I was able to find Max's final words online. I'll include a copy of Max's unabridged words below as I feel it is important that we all read it. After reading it, I understood what Max was trying to do. He wasn't a crazy man, he was a martyr. Max chose this fate not at random, but after much thought and analysis. He chose to travel from Florida to New York to enact his plan outside the trump trial because he knew that every media outlet in the “free” world would be outside covering the trial. They would not be able to ignore him now. He planned his actions with the mindset of getting the most coverage of it possible. The media mentioned it, then it went away like everything does in our society. Max was dead and nothing else has happened. I refuse to let Max be forgotten. Max had struggled deeply trying to get people to pay attention to his message. I can relate to that struggle as I've tried to spread his words since his death with virtually no response from anyone. The short of Max's claim is that our government here in America and others around the world working with them are planning something big. They plan a complete flip from democracy to fascism. That's crazy talk right? Well ask yourself this, is their any evidence of something like this happening? Would it even be possible? Let's look into that. In order for a government to overthrow the will and rights of its people requires many things and most of them have already been done. I'm not an expert on government and politics but I am a student of history and I have enough common sense to draw lines between things. I also have pretty good self-awareness that allows me to be critical of my conclusions and not grasp at straws. Let's go over some simple facts that we should all be aware of. Please remember, these are not conspiracies, these are hard proven facts. 1. Our government is corrupt. We all see the corruption and deceit no matter our political leanings or beliefs. We know they are robbing us blind and cheating and lying. They openly commit crimes and violate our civil rights. Let's look into the crimes we know of first before digging into our crumbling rights. 2. Crimes have included but are not limited to: Bribery, fraud, insider trading, sexual assault, theft, war crimes, extortion, and election fraud. I won't go into all the specifics on these, but I think the majority of people can agree that we have witnessed these crimes happen over and over and they go unpunished or get off with a slap on the wrist. We can argue who is guilty and who isn't of what crimes, but that is an argument distraction. They love that we argue and disagree so much. 3. Rights Violations. We are all generally aware of rights violations by police officers and law enforcement in general. We are less aware of the stripping of our rights by the government. This has been happening for a long time in America, but we only need to go back to the attacks on 9/11. After those attacks, a bill was passed illegally called the Patriot Act. We were sold a fake story with a fake premise of safety. They like to scare you so you want their protection. After we were lied to about Iraq having weapons of mass destruction resulting in another war, we were told the Patriot Act was a simple bill to protect us from terrorist. The truth was, that it was the first step in revoking our 4th amendment. With the revelations of Edward Snowden, we were informed of just how far our government went. Illegal spying, data collection, and rights violations under the name of national security. They don't need a warrant anymore and you have no defense from prosecution. They collect all of your data, all the time on all devices. Your entire life and everything you say or do is recorded by our handy cell phones and home assistants as well as a massive surveillance network. It's stored on NSA servers for anyone who gets out of line or stands up for their rights. Your fourth amendment died when those towers came down and a lot of you celebrated it. Censorship is putting the last nail in the coffin of our first amendment. We lost part of it long ago when the CIA enacted operation Mockingbird and infiltrated all of our media. We no longer have a free media. No matter what your favorite news channel, it and all of it's employees are government assets regardless of their personal knowledge of it. You only see what they want you to see. This is the main reason they have to kill tiktok. They always kill what they can't control.
I could go on with this for days, but hopefully you get the point that they are infringing or out right ended our rights. Maybe you are one of those people who is stars and bars American and believe in our system and country. You are probably insulting me as a conspiracy theorist or whatever the opposite of your political agenda is. Racist, communist, liberal, leftist, right wing, republican, democrat, whatever. I ask you only do one thing. Ask yourself if this is the country that we wanted for our selves and our children. Is this the nation and society our parents or grandparents wanted for us? Look around you. Don't add blame or feelings to things, just look at what they are. We are being destroyed by drugs and addiction. We have homeless encampments flooding our major cities. Crime is insane. Racial tension is higher than it's been since the civil rights movement despite the majority of American's being more accepting and less racist than our ancestors. We are being dumb-ed down with poor education and lies. Our economy is not good and we suffer from the pains of inflation. We have people starving to death in the worlds richest country. The cost of living is soaring past our income levels. 1% of our population owns more than the other 99%. You have virtually no workers rights in most states and are controlled by the corporations that own us all. Our food is poisoned and killing us. Just look at the report from an independent group on the amount of lead in Lunchables. Why didn't the FDA find that? It's what we pay them for after all. We are constantly inundated with propaganda designed to cause discourse, distraction and ignorance. The single most important document in American history has been labeled as bad and racist. Why would anyone want to make people turn against our constitution? They know most of you have never read the constitution let alone understand your rights. It's easy to manipulate those who are unaware of the facts. The constitution is not racist or evil. The men who wrote it might have been, that's an argument for another time. The document itself is amazing and critical. Stop reading it with negative thoughts about its writers and read it for what it says. We have the freedom of speech, freedom of press, and freedom of religion. It's the first right in the Bill of Rights for a reason. Our freedom of speech is required for us to speak out about injustices and have our concerns and complaints heard. It's singly the most important thing we have and yet many of your actively work to curtail that right for others. Be assured, it won't stop with the ones you don't want to hear. We need that freedom of speech to avoid having to enact other rights, but we will get back to that later. Freedom of religion doesn't feel that important to me because I'm not very religious. For those of us who are religious this is a major one. For those of us who are non religious, this right is for us as well. While it protects their right to practice their religion, it protects us from having to practice it with them. We all know that has been violated in both ways. Freedom of the press is very under appreciated. Having an open and honest news media allows the average American to know what is happening in our society and world. It use to be a very important tool for us to suss out corruption and crimes. It's now a weapon used against us and against political rivals. It shuts down open debate and promotes division and hate. It has been the single worst change for America. Many of you call for the removal of the second amendment and most with good reasoning and cause. Gun violence is ridiculous in the United States, but we have to understand the problem and not try to put a bandage on it. The criminals will still have guns even if you outlaw them. They might have less and be harder to get, but they will still commit crimes and own guns. We have to look at the reasons that so much gun crime happens. Is it culture, greed, hate, mental illness, or poverty? It's probably all of those and more but those pale in comparison to what could happen to an America without guns. We all want to live in a safe world where guns are effectively useless outside of hunting or sport, but that is a fantasy land currently. What the pro second amendment people fail to explain properly and often fail to understand themselves is that gun rights are required. You don't get to remove someone else's right. Sure we feel we need guns for protection in some cases, but the idea behind the second amendment is protection from the government. This is the point where someone comments about how stupid we are to think our little guns can defeat the American government or its forces. You are correct, that would be stupid to think that we can grab an AR-15 and defeat a group of FBI agents or military. After all, what can my little AR do to a tank or drone right? That's not the meaning behind the second amendment. The authors of the constitution were very aware of a governments ability to separate itself from its people and control them. We aren't supposed to start a fight or try some kind of war, they are a deterrent. It's our responsibility to hold our government accountable and when our branches are no longer separate and they are all corrupt, then we must act to arrest and prosecute the criminals on our own. Our government is so corrupt, so aligned, and so controlled by corporations and money that we will have to stand up, united and armed, and demand that they be handed to us for arrest and trial. We have to find honest judges and lawyers and we have to make sure that our laws are obeyed and we don't violate their rights while trying to retake ours. We must practice what we preach. Why the guns, because if you think they are going to stand there while thousands of unarmed citizens make demands you are crazy. We need to have massive numbers of people, all armed, to deter any action against us. We do not want a fight, we do not want war, but we will not be denied our rights and we will not allow the criminals to run this prison that use to be America. It's the second amendment because its the most important after our first amendment freedoms. They knew once you lost the first amendment, then the second is your only remaining option. We are nearly there and that's scary for most of us. We need to do this together because we can't fix any of our other problems while a bunch of elites who live in a different world from the rest of us are in control of everything.
You might be asking what can we do? Well, to start, go read the constitution or at least the Bill of Rights. Understand them and their value to you. Once you know your rights, its easier to see how often and horribly they are violated daily. Also, go read the words of Max Azzerrelo. Regardless of your feelings about him, have the respect to read the words that he died to share with the world. THE FOLLOWING ARE THE LAST WORDS OF MAX AZZARELLO
My name is Max Azzarello, and I am an investigative researcher who has set himself on fire outside of the Trump trial in Manhattan. This extreme act of protest is to draw attention to an urgent and important discovery: We are victims of a totalitarian con, and our own government (along with many of their allies) is about to hit us with an apocalyptic fascist world coup. These claims sound like fantastical conspiracy theory, but they are not. They are proof of conspiracy. If you investigate this mountain of research, you will prove them too. If you learn a great deal about Ponzi schemes, you will discover that our life is a lie. If you follow this story and the links below, you will discover the rotten truth of ‘post-truth America’. You will learn the scariest and stupidest story in world history. And you will realize that we are all in a desperate state of emergency that requires your action. To my friends and family, witnesses and first responders, I deeply apologize for inflicting this pain upon you. But I assure you it is a drop in the bucket compared to what our government intends to inflict.

Because these words are true, this is an act of revolution.

Last March, a billionaire named Peter Thiel started a bank run on Silicon Valley Bank. I knew enough about Thiel that I found this incredibly suspicious: My hunch was that this was intentional, though I couldn’t fathom why. I began investigating online, and quickly found cryptocurrency’s fingerprints all over it. The bank run occurred just days after Silvergate Bank – which catered almost exclusively to crypto companies – collapsed. Meanwhile, several crypto cheerleaders were all over financial media warning of a regional banking crisis, and nobody in media was addressing the clear crypto connections. I dug deep into the financials of Thiel’s venture capital firm Founders Fund and eventually uncovered the following, all proven many times over. Cryptocurrency is our first planetary multi-trillion-dollar Ponzi scheme. It was expressly created for this purpose by a laundry list of rich and powerful people out of Stanford/Silicon Valley and Harvard/Facebook. The March 2023 bank failures were all intentional: the banks were used to move out stolen Ponzi money. This signals that they’re no longer dumping cash in to keep the cryptocurrency Ponzi afloat, and that it will soon go insolvent, as all Ponzis must. When the Ponzi scheme goes insolvent, it will take down half the stock market with it: The perpetrators used their major companies to pipe into the blockchain so they could funnel money out from the crypto exchanges. This includes Google, Tesla, Apple, PayPal, Facebook, Disney, Walmart, Target, InBev, Zoom, and countless others. It is a Ponzi scheme so large that it created global inflation, which is why the price of Bitcoin has been a remarkable leading indicator for inflation rates. Victims who bought crypto don’t realize their money has already been stolen, so the money gets double-counted by the victims and the criminals who stole it. As it turns out, our elites are awash in Ponzi schemes. Stanford’s StartX.com investment fund and Jeffrey Epstein’s ‘Program for Evolutionary Dynamics’ he ran at Harvard are both fake-science Ponzi factories that these schools have invested billions in: They are filled with fraudulent companies that use smoke and mirrors to promise miraculous new technology, but always collapse while the perpetrators only get richer.

Funneling trillions of dollars in stolen cash through the stock market created the largest stock-market anomaly in history. The stock chart signature of a Ponzi scheme is a massive increase (while they stack up cash) and then a massive fall (as they funnel out the stolen cash). This chart shape appeared in all the companies listed above. In order to explain the massive anomaly, our criminal government unleashed COVID on the world and told us these were the “stay at home stocks.”

Ponzi schemes are vicious beasts, and cryptocurrency is history’s largest Ponzi by orders of magnitude. It could best be described as an economic doomsday device, intentionally made to shatter the world economy. The U.S. government is fully involved in this totalitarian con: To illustrate its bipartisan support, I’ll note that nearly every participant of the Clinton Global Initiative has ties to cryptocurrency, while two of the biggest tech VCs who participated are Trump associates Josh Kushner and Anthony Scaramucci. To better understand our form of government, I will point you to one of the most astonishing pieces of stand-alone evidence I’ve found: Arkansas Governor Bill Clinton’s 1988 DNC speech where he nominated Mike Dukakis for president against George H.W. Bush. The speech is a vile, mean-spirited roast of Dukakis that makes no sense whatsoever: For Clinton to ruthlessly attack a member of his own party should have been political suicide, and he repeatedly mocks Dukakis’ noble and earnest qualities. Notably, actor Rob Lowe, who was supporting Dukakis, was victim of a teen sex blackmail operation at the DNC that year. Since we know Clinton is a close associate with teen sex blackmail artist Jeffrey Epstein, we can suddenly make perfect sense of the nonsensical speech by applying this lens: Bill Clinton is a cocky mob boss who blackmailed Mike Dukakis because Dukakis thought his job was to help the public. He teases out the future public revelation that Kitty Dukakis drank rubbing alcohol, and offers a strange anecdote about the crack epidemic that reveals he is an exceedingly proud drug runner. What does this revelation tell us? That our government is conning us completely. That Bill Clinton was secretly on (former CIA Director) George H.W. Bush’s side, and that the Democrat vs. Republican division has been entirely manufactured ever since: Clinton is with Bush; Gore is with Bush; Trump is with Hillary, and so on. When they present themselves in public, they are acting as characters that are against one another, practicing kayfabe as wrestlers do. As it turns out, we have a secret kleptocracy: Both parties are run by financial criminals whose only goals are to divide, deceive, and bleed us dry. They divide the public against itself and blame the other party while everything gets worse and more expensive and handful of people take all the money.

Since it is fully parasitic, a secret kleptocracy is an incredibly unstable form of government – left to its own devices, it can only lead to fascism or failed state.

One of the key findings of this research is that Harvard University is one of the largest organized crime fronts in history, which is how they churn out billionaires – it’s a major hub of this sprawling criminal network. As it turns out, dozens of the writers of The Simpsons went to Harvard. So I asked myself the question: If The Simpsons served the interests of organized crime, how would it do so? Well, it offers a dysfunctional family suffering from moral decay, a community incapable of solving its problems, a worker drone who slaves away for an evil billionaire, and cathartic laughs for our poor collective circumstances. There are some notable specifics as it relates to this research, too: In Marge vs. The Monorail, the townsfolk are too oafish and divided to invest in the town’s needs (fix Main Street) and fall for the charms of a dazzling showman with a bogus monorail Ponzi scheme. When we know that the show is closely linked to an organization that invests billions of dollars in Ponzi factories, this becomes quite damning. In Lisa the Iconoclast, Lisa discovers that town founder Jebediah Springfield was a secret criminal con artist, and that the townsfolk’s lives are a lie. Realizing this is an important discovery, she desperately tries to get the townsfolk to listen to her. But they meet her with hostility, apathy, disbelief, and partisanship and she fails to get through to them. Ultimately, she realizes the town is so far gone that perhaps it’s better for them to be lied to by con artists, and she keeps the secret to herself. And here I’ve been, like Lisa Simpson, desperately trying to get friends, family, and the public to believe the proof of a totalitarian con I’m trying to show them, and they’ve turned away with hostility, apathy, disbelief, and partisanship. And so, we realize the criminal truth of The Simpsons: Our elites are telling us that our eroding collective circumstances are our own fault, and we can’t do anything about it, while they steal the American Dream from us. It is, for lack of a more elegant word, brainwashing. — Lastly, we string these major discoveries together: Cryptocurrency is an economic doomsday device; our government is a secret kleptocracy; The Simpsons exists to brainwash us. From there, the only research we need is critical thinking and we’re able to piece together the true story of our circumstances. Consider America since 1988: Institutions like healthcare and universities have become parasitic in their skyrocketing prices. News media tells us to be angry and tribalized. Daytime television warns us of moral decay. Local news tell us to fear our neighbors. The Simpsons tells us we’re too oafish and divided to save the American Dream. Seinfeld tells us to celebrate the assholes and be irritated by all the normal people around us. “Reality” TV tells us that real life is filled with hedonism and strife. Social media, owned by crypto criminals like Mark Zuckerberg and Elon Musk, is flooded with nonsense conspiracy theories and memes reminding us that we are hopeless, helpless, anxious, depressed, ironic, scared, apathetic, escapist, lonely, misguided, and jaded, telling us we can’t do anything but have a laugh at our circumstances. Liberals mock the hypocrisy of conservatives; conservatives mock the hypocrisy of liberals, and our collective circumstances erode. The left shouts “All Cops Are Bastards,” which ensures they’ll be hated by the police and the public (and flies in the face of leftist theory). The public’s distrust of the government is at an all-time high, but so is the belief that we are helpless to do anything about it. And with all this, a sharp rise in apocalyptic messaging: Climate change will kill us all; COVID will kill us all; vaccines will kill us all; AI will kill us all – no matter the bubbles we ascribe to, we’re bombarded with existential crises with no solutions. We’ve seen a surge in apocalyptic film, literature, and video games that tell us there is no way out of our poor circumstances but total societal breakdown. Zombies tell us that the public is our enemy. If you go to your nearest convenience store, you can buy a can of water called “Liquid Death.” This is our rotten farce: For our entire lives, we have been flooded with media designed to slowly steer us into a world where the American Dream was dead, where the public was fully divided against itself, where everybody believed we were powerless to do anything about our worsening circumstances. It is all so they can organize an unprecedented, apocalyptic rug pull on the entire populace as they pivot to fascism, which is perhaps best understood as kleptocracy at the barrel of a gun. When we piece it all together, we understand the truth: We are in a totalitarian doomsday cult. Why on earth would our elites do this? There are many reasons, but the simplest is because capitalism is unsustainable, and they knew it: Climate change and resource extraction would catch up eventually. So, they never intended to sustain it. They knew all along that they would gobble up all the wealth they could, and then yank the rug out from under us so they could pivot to a hellish fascist dystopia. — Things escalated wildly in 1988 when former CIA Director George H.W. Bush got the White House, but this plan had been in action long prior: Why is Stanley Kubrick’s comedy about mutually assured destruction called Dr. Strangelove: Or, How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb? Because he was a cocky secret fascist who was getting us to stop worrying and love the bomb. Why did he make A Clockwork Orange? So we’d rejoice at ultra-violence designed to desensitize us to the horrors of the world. Why were the Manson Family murders crawling with cover-ups and intelligence agents? Because our government wanted to make us fear for our lives and believe that hippies are deranged psychopaths. Why did Walt Disney produce a fraudulent documentary that told us Lemmings follow each other off cliffs? So we would believe it. Why did The Beatles tell us to fear the taxman, to scoff at revolution, chase nonsense conspiracy theories, and that happiness is a warm gun? So we would believe it. Why did Easy Rider tell us that the hippie movement was dead? So we would believe it. Why did Chinatown end with defeatism in the face of massive corruption? So we would believe it. Why did George Orwell tell us of a hellish future of totalitarian control that we are powerless to stop? So we would believe it. Why did Wall Street tell us “greed is good”? So we would believe it. Why did Do The Right Thing tell us we’re all racially tribalized? So we would believe it. Why did Simpsons creator Matt Groening make a comic strip called Life in Hell? So we would believe it. And on, and on, and on, and on. When it comes to any popular media, if you ask yourself the question, “Why would secret doomsday cult kleptocrats want the public to consume this?”, you will find your answers. — This is obviously very bad news, but the biggest lie we’ve been told is that we are powerless. We’ve got one way out of hellworld, and that’s for the public to realize that we’ve been conned completely so we can build a united movement that shatters every lie they’ve told us, mocks this rotten farce as loudly as it deserves, and aims at nothing short of abolishing our criminal government so we can build one that serves the public. To understand this story is to see right through the con, to become immune to the endless sea of criminal propaganda, and to feel the great joy and power that comes with freedom. If a small number of people quickly put on these truth-colored glasses, we are in for an unimaginably bright future. If not, we get an apocalypse. For more information, I’ve put together this booklet that includes other major findings and a map to a sea of proof, along with all the other essays on this site. For the true history of America since the end of World War II, see here. To see this discovery unfold in real-time, along with further explanations, hundreds of pieces of evidence not covered here, advice, inspiration, political theory, and the heart and soul of a man escaping history’s largest doomsday cult, see my Instagram story highlights. I apologize for leaving things so scattered, but this has been an exhausting affair. So long as you understand this (true) ideology, you will be able to learn the whole story. Here is a federal lawsuit I filed against dozens of perpetrators of the cryptocurrency Ponzi – not for litigation, but just to preserve the information and attach my name to it. I was terrified and hadn’t slept in days and it shows, but it served its purpose of keeping myself alive long enough to keep learning and telling this story. I no longer have my original research files from the crypto rabbit hole. If you want to see them, you’ll have to get my laptop back from the government. Ask them how they got it - it’s a very fun story. I hope you know how powerful you are. I wish you a hell of a lot more than luck. Max Azzarello

So I just finished playing Bioshock infinite, and it doesn’t feel like a Bioshock game at all… not even because it doesn’t take place in rapture, but because Columbia has no ties to the first two games in any type of way.
I didn’t play the DLC nor did I get all the audio.
Not to say Infinite is a bad game. I think it’s Meh overall. It doesn’t do anything better than the other two games except for maybe characters. I would put infinite above Bioshock 2 when it comes to characters. But Bioshock 1 takes the majority and is the best game in the franchise.
I think if they tied the game to the first two, then it would make more sense as a bioshock game. And when I say that, I mean they take place in the same universe, not tears that force the two worlds to interact when it doesn’t make sense to try to force them to interact when they could have just had them take place in the same universe. It makes zero sense to have infinite take place in a separate universe, and then try to Tie the games together through dimension hopping.
edit: because you all keep bringing up Fink.. when I say tie in, I mean that the tie in Adds to the story and expands on the lore of the world. Saying, well vigors exists because fink seen plasmids in bioshock 1 isn’t what I consider them tying the two worlds together. Because you can literally miss this and then what? What’s tying the games together then? absolutely nothing, because this information isn’t relevant to anything in the game at all
edit again: in regards to vigors because i felt vigors were also out place In columbia The vigors themselves have no real ties to the world at all outside of powers that booker also uses. In the first game plasmids and Adam were a big thing with a lot of lore surrounding them. In infinite these vigors have zero drawbacks seen and they don’t affect anything in that world. we don’t see anyone addicted to it the same way we see in rapture, so the only reason why vigors exist in infinite, is solely because the first two games had plasmids so they needed a reason for these powers to exist in Columbia despite it not being in the same universe.. when all they had to do was put it in the same universe.
For example, Comstock was inspired and consulted with Andrew Ryan who was building a city underwater… let’s say that Andrew Ryan and Comstock were friends or something, so he told Comstock about his plans. Vigors exist because Comstock heard about plasmids and wanted to produce them in Colombia, so Andrew Ryan sold him some sample and that can explain why Bigors exist but why they’re not widely used in Columbia because of the side affects and the drawbacks. You can even have it be that Comstock seen rapture fall and wanted to do everything in his power to not make the same mistakes that Andrew Ryan did.
Nothing major. The story didn’t have to connect to Rapture in any way. But little hints and world building notes that connects the two would have made the title feel like it made sense.

TW//Sexual Abuse//Physical Violence

Hi All, I'm a male between ages 20 and 30 and this is my childhood experience. I could use as much support as possible since I’m catching some backlash from my family for bringing this up.

BACKGROUND: CHILD ABUSE CULT

When I say cult, I don't mean a cult in the sense of David Koresh compound style cult, I mean more so in mindset and fringe religious practices. My parents believed in the doctrine called "mortification of the flesh", which basically states that people are born evil, and to make them not evil, you have to hit them. See [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Discipline\\\_(instrument\\\_of\\\_penance)\](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Discipline\_(instrument\_of\_penance))
My parents are extremist fundamentalist Christians. My dad was basically a pastor, and my mom "home schooled" us. When I say home school, I'm being very generous on the school part. They were part of the Quiverful evangelical home school movement and held to the teachings of people like Jonathan Lindvall, Dough Philips, Tedd Tripp, Mike and Debbie Pearl, Stan and Brenna Jones, and Dennis and Barbra Rainey, among others.
Basically, I have solid proof my parents were using these books on me.

TEACHINGS OF TEDD TRIPP

The teachings of Tedd Tripp are certifiably insane. I'll provide several quotes here from his book, "Shepherding a Child's Heart":
* "Spanking is most effective in dealing with young children. They fear being spanked. The spanking gives weight to your words. The spanking sobers and humbles the child. As children get older they get more stoic about spanking. They learn how to deal with it. The intensity of spanking required to make the same impression on a 12-year-old that you make on a 2-year-old would be excessive.”
* “Remove his drawers so that the spanking is not lost in the padding of his pants.... It is best to lay the child across your lap rather than over a bed or a chair. This puts the spanking in the context of your physical relationship. He is not being removed from you to a neutral object for the purpose of being disciplined.”
* “I have witnessed spankings administered through a double layer of diapers to a child who never stopped moving long enough to know he had been spanked. The spanking was ineffective because the parents never made the rod felt.”
* “When your child is old enough to resist your directives, he is old enough to be disciplined. When he is resisting you, he is disobeying. If you fail to respond, those rebellious responses become entrenched. The longer you put off disciplining, the more intractable the disobedience will become.”
* “Rebellion can be something as simple as a small child struggling against a diaper change or stiffening his body when you want him to sit on your lap. The discipline procedure is the same as that which is laid out above. You have no way of knowing how much a child less than a year old can understand, but we do know that understanding comes long before the ability to articulate. Your temptation will be to wait until your children are speaking and able to articulate their rebellion before you deal with it.”
* “When our oldest child was approximately 8 months old, we were confronted with parenting our first mobile child. He crawled everywhere. We had a bookshelf constructed of boards and bricks. Fearing the shelf would fall on him, Margy told him not to pull himself up by the shelf. After moving him away from the shelf, she left the room. As she peeked in on him, she observed him surveying the room. Not seeing her, he headed back toward the forbidden bookshelf. Here was a young child, not yet able to walk or to talk, looking to see if the coast was clear so he could disobey. Obviously, he was old enough to be disciplined.”
* “After you have spanked, take the child up on your lap and hug him, telling him how much you love him...On some occasions I have had to say to our children: ‘Dear, Daddy has spanked you, but you are not sweet enough yet. We are going to have to go back upstairs for another spanking.’”
Tedd tripp said in an interview on desiringgod: “But what is the purpose of it? I think spanking is most effective with younger children. Spanking gets their attention. It gives weight to your words. It humbles them. They want to avoid it. And it becomes very effective, particularly with little children where you can’t really reason with them, and they are not capable of complex reasoning.... So I think that it is indispensable in those early years particularly.”

MIKE AND DEBBIE PEARL:

The book, "To Train Up a Child" is also particularly nasty, and 1994 edition especially so. In the 2015 version, they tried to smooth over some of the more abusive passages because parents were hitting their kids to death and they were using this book.
The book emphasizes the doctrine of the mortification of the flesh, stating:
* “A spanking (whipping, paddling, switching, or belting) is in-dispensable to the removal of guilt in your child. His very conscience (nature) demands punishment.”
* “If God’s love is expressed by the ‘whippings’ He gives, then can we not also love our children enough to chasten them unto holiness?”
* “The very nature of the child makes the rod an indispensable element in child training and discipline....“They go astray as soon as they be born, speaking lies” (Psalm 58:3).”
More messed up stuff includes:
* The opening line of this book states, “SWITCH YOUR KIDS”
* “Training does not necessarily require that the trainee be capable of reason; even mice and rats can be trained to respond to stimuli. Careful training can make a dog perfectly obedient. If a seeing-eye dog can be trained to reliably lead a blind man through the obstacles of a city street, shouldn’t a parent expect more out of an intelligent child? A dog can be trained not to touch a tasty morsel laid in front of him. Can’t a child be trained not to touch?”
* “A dog can be trained to come, stay, sit, be quiet or fetch upon command. You may not have trained your dog that well, yet every day someone accomplishes it on the dumbest mutts. Even a clumsy teenager can be trained to be an effective trainer in a dog obedience school. If you wait until your dog is displaying unacceptable behavior before you rebuke (or kick) him, you will have a foot-shy mutt who is always sulking around seeing what he can get away with before being screamed at.”
* “Where there is an absence of training, you can no more rebuke and whip a child into acceptable behavior than you can the family dog. No amount of discipline can make up for lack of training.”
* “Proper training always works on every child. To neglect training is to create miserable circumstances for yourself and your child. Out of innocent ignorance many of you have bypassed the training and expected the discipline alone to effect proper behavior.”
* “There is much satisfaction in training up a child. It is easy and challenging. When my children were able to crawl (in the case of one, roll) around the room, I set up training sessions. Try it yourself. Place an appealing object where they can reach it, maybe in a ‘No- no’ corner or on an apple juice table (That’s where the coffee table once sat). When they spy it and make a dive for it, in a calm voice say, "No, don’t touch it." They will already be familiar with the ‘No,’ so they will pause, look at you in wonder and then turn around and grab it. Switch their hand once and simultaneously say, ‘No.’”
* “Remember, you are not disciplining, you are training. One spat with a little switch is enough. They will again pull back their hand and consider the relationship between the object, their desire, the command and the little reinforcing pain. It may take several times, but if you are consistent, they will learn to consistently obey, even in your absence.”
* “As the mother, holding her child, leans over the crib and begins the swing downward, the infant stiffens, takes a deep breath and bellows. The battle for control has begun in earnest. Someone is going to be conditioned. Either the tender-hearted mother will cave-in to this self-centered demand (thus training the child to get his way by crying) or the infant is allowed to cry (learning that crying is counterproductive).”
Further evidence of the abusive nature of Mike & Debbie Pearl’s teachings is found in a video clip of Mike Pearl speaking at a seminar, demonstrating with a child doll, where he stated, “I'm gonna get this rod if he screams too hard with the first five \[and\] gets hysterical... wait... you know a little psychological terror sometimes more effective than the pain.”
See [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wt0QOKbEj7A\](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wt0QOKbEj7A) for a solid video by the channel Fundie Fridays on the Pearls.
Furthermore, Mike Pearl has explicitly justified domestic violence. In the book, “Created to be His Help Meet” by Debbie Pearl, described on the cover page as a guide to “Discover how God can make your marriage glorious”, Mike Pearl writes a section explicitly advocates for women to endure domestic violence:
* “Has your husband reviled you and threatened you? You are exhorted to respond as Jesus did. When he was reviled and threatened, he suffered by committing himself to a higher judge who is righteous. You must commit yourself to the one who placed you under your husband’s command."
* “Your husband will answer to God, and you must answer to God for how you respond to your husband, even when he causes you to suffer. Just as we are to obey government in every ordinance, and servants are to obey their masters, even the ones who are abusive and surly, ‘likewise, ye wives, be in subjection to your own husbands’...”
* “You can freely call your husband ‘lord’ when you know that you are addressing the one who put him in charge and asked you to suffer at your husband’s hands just as our Lord suffered at the hands of unjust authorities...”
* “When you endure evil and railing without returning it, you receive a blessing, not just as a martyr, but as one who worships God.”
The Seattle times actually wrote about the Pearls and their book: [https://www.seattletimes.com/seattle-news/did-hanas-parents-train-her-to-death/\](https://www.seattletimes.com/seattle-news/did-hanas-parents-train-her-to-death/)
* “‘It’s truly an evil book,’ said Michael Ramsey, the district attorney for Butte County, Calif.Ramsey successfully prosecuted Kevin and Elizabeth Schatz for hitting their daughter Lydia to death in Paradise, Calif., in 2006 with a plastic plumbing-supply tube — the kind the Pearls mention in an article on their website called ‘In Defense of Biblical Chastisement.’”
* “In Washington state, the death of Hana Williams marked the third time the Pearls’ names and their book have surfaced after the death of a child....”
* “Pearl encourages parents to think of the switch as a ‘magic wand’ and says teaching a child to obey is like training an animal: ‘A dog can be trained not to touch a tasty morsel laid in front of him. Can’t a child be trained not to touch?’”

JAMES DOBSON & FOCUS ON THE FAMILY

James Dobson is the founder of the religious organization and lobbying group Focus on the Family.
Here's a video of Dobson with Ronald Reagan in the Oval Office of the White House: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4hGZvawO1V8
The first chapter of his book, the New Strong Willed Child, describes Dobson beating his dog:
“He was a stubborn, twelve-pound dachshund named Sigmund Freud (Siggie), who honestly believed that he owned the place.... On the night of our great battle, I told Sigmund to leave his warm seat and go to bed. Instead, he flattened his ears and slowly turned his head toward me.... That was Siggie’s way of saying, “Get lost!”
I had seen this defiant mood before and knew that I had to deal with it. The only way to make Siggie obey was to threaten him with destruction. Nothing else worked. I turned and went to my closet and got a small belt to help me “reason” with ’ol Sig. My wife, who was watching this drama unfold, told me that as soon as I left the room, Siggie jumped from his perch and looked down the hall to see where I had gone. Then he got behind her and growled....
When I returned, I held up the belt and again told the angry dog to get into his bed. He stood his ground so I gave him a firm swat across the rear end, and he tried to bite the belt. I popped him again and he tried to bite me. What developed next is impossible to describe.
That tiny dog and I had the most vicious fight ever staged between man and beast. I fought him up one wall and down the other, with both of us scratching and clawing and growling. I am still embarrassed by the memory of the entire scene. Inch by inch I moved him toward the family room and his bed...
This is not a book about the discipline of dogs. But there is an important aspect of my story that is highly relevant to the world of children. Just as surely as a dog will occasionally challenge the authority of his leaders, a child is inclined to do the same thing, only more so.”

JONATHAN LINDVALL & BOLD CHRISTIAN PARENTING

My parents would play tapes of Jonathan Lindvall when we went on road trips. He advocated for a radical evangelical homeschool lifestyle, social isolation of children from other “worldly” children, having as many children as possible regardless of financial means, explicitly denounced the socialization of children, and stated that children’s education should focus primarily on the Bible.
I couldn't find the actual tapes they played but I found his old website: [https://web.archive.org/web/20120829030118/http://boldchristianliving.com/\](https://web.archive.org/web/20120829030118/http://boldchristianliving.com/)
Some outstanding bits include:
* “We all want our children to have the skills and disciplines to provide for their familiessome day. But job preparation is similarly not worthy as a primary goal of homeschooling. Jesus explicitly warned us not to be concerned with how our food and clothing are supplied (Matt. 6:19-34). This, in fact, is the context in which he called us to ‘seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness.’”
* “There are many desirable, God-pleasing results likely to come from our obedience to God in choosing to personally disciple our children. But no matter how good they are, if they are the focus, rather than our aim being to bring Jesus pleasure, they can become idols for us. Many homeschoolers have become enamored with the vision of the long-term societal (political/economic) impact our practices can have. May the Lord bring all this about, but may our hearts be set on Him more than on the impact we can have.”
* “Another objection virtually every homeschooler in western society has been confronted by is the ‘socialization’ question. In our society is assumed to be essential for children to spend time with peers to be properly adjusted. Yet the preponderance of scripture cautions from the opposite perspective. Proverbs 12:26 warns, ‘The righteous should choose his friends carefully, For the way of the wicked leads them astray.’ Proverbs 13:20 is even more pointed, saying, ‘He who walks with wise men will be wise, But the companion of fools will be destroyed.’ Paul was apparently quoting an accepted proverb at the time when he wrote, ‘Do not be deceived: ‘Evil company corrupts good habits’’ (1 Cor. 15:33).”
* “No doubt the Lord wants our children to learn to benefit from edifying fellowship, just as He wants this for us. However, positive social skills are generally not learned from children. God intends for fathers (not peers) to shape their children’s values and tendencies ‘in the training and admonition of the Lord’ (Eph. 6:4). This requires protecting our children from peer domination, and instead structuring our family lifestyles to facilitate intense, intimate relationship between our children and ourselves.”
* “Sadly, perhaps as a result of the world’s challenges regarding ‘socialization,’ many homeschoolers feel pressure to provide settings where their children can spend large amounts of time with peers. Thus, over the years we have seen homeschool support groups move from supporting the parents to supporting the children with extra-familial activities like sports teams, group music experiences, and cooperative classes. There are probably times when it is appropriate to expose our families to teaching situations where the parents are not necessarily doing all the teaching, but it is a significant danger to fall into the habit of exposing our children to the addictive peer group influences.”
• “Virtually every homeschool parent will easily identify the most frequently asked question about their homeschooling as, ‘What about socialization?’ When people ask this question, what are they wondering about? Are they worried that our children will not be capable of displaying lifelong servanthood for the glory of God? Generally not. They are shocked that we are not intimidated at the thought of our children being different from everyone else.”
• “Socialism is the attempt to equalize everyone--make everyone alike. But God didn't make us alike. He made each of us, including our children, to be unique. And we are not to minimize, but maximize our distinctives for the glory of God. We are not to try to mask our uniqueness beneath a facade of timid conformity. We are to SHINE! Jesus said (Mat 5:16), ‘Let your light so shine before men, that they may see your good works and glorify your Father in heaven.’”

STAN AND BRENNA JONES

First of all, here’s a photo of the author: [https://www.christiansexed.com/about-the-authors/\](https://www.christiansexed.com/about-the-authors/)
Their book, “What’s the Big Deal: Why God cares about sex” identifies as a christian sex education book for children as young as age 8. The cover of the book states, “Ages 8-12”.
The book states in the introduction, “We believe that God means for Christian parents to be their children’s primary sex educators. First messages are the most powerful-why wait until your child hears distorted views and then try to correct the misunderstanding? Sexuality is a beautiful gift-why not present it to your child the way God intended?”.
This book contains passages explicitly describing:
* How pleasurable sex is;
* The location and pleasurability of the clitoris;
* The sensitivity of the penis to pleasure
* What porn is and where it's found
* What rape porn is
* What sex slavery is
* Explicit descriptions of orgasms, including describing them as a sudden burst of pleasure
My dad read me this book when I was 8, 3rd grade.
TEDD TRIPP & BDSM P0RN SITES
What really got me thinking about this was the fact that in my state, the statute of limitations to sue in civil court for assault and battery was up, however the statute of limitations on sexual abuse was not.
So obviously all of this stuff is pretty messed up. But what takes it to the next level of messed up and makes what they did a sex crime (I'm hoping the DA sees it the same way), is when you really look at what Tedd Tripp advocates parents do to their children:
“Remove his drawers so that the spanking is not lost in the padding of his pants.... It is best to lay the child across your lap rather than over a bed or a chair. This puts the spanking in the context of your physical relationship. He is not being removed from you to a neutral object for the purpose of being disciplined.”
Which basically means:
* Take off the child's clothes
* Place them on your lap, fully or partially naked
* Strike them with what could legally be classified as a deadly weapon
So I started thinking about how spanking is a BDSM kink and fetish. Which was weird to think about in the context of what your parents did to you.
Then I thought, well damn there are tons of BDSM p0rn sites, there have to be some with what happened to me on there. It turns out that there are TONS of videos of exactly this on sites such as p0rnhub and heavy fetish .com.
For example:
* “Hard belt spanking for cheating” (porn hub)
* “Spanked to Tears with the Bathbrush - Real Tears for Letting Him Down” (porn hub)
* “Hard paddle spanking in the principal's office” (porn hub)
* “SPANK CHINA - Hua’s first spanking session”, (heavy fetish)
* "Spanking Jane" (heavy fetish)
I tried putting the links in but reddit flagged my post so if you’re really curious just search by title and website
These videos appear on the same site as stuff like real hardcore BDSM stuff like electrocution torture and people in cages, tied in the air and having their genitals electrocuted. Basically real torture like in this video: "WIRED PUSSY - Sandra Romain andSara Scott" (heavy fetish)
And then you realize, "oh, if they filmed what they did, it would be child p0rn_".
18 U.S. Code § 2256:

1. ‘child porn0graphy’ means any visual depiction, including any photograph, film, video, picture, or computer or computer-generated image or picture, whether made or produced by electronic, mechanical, or other means, of sexually explicit conduct, where- the production of such visual depiction involves the use of a minor engaging in sexually explicit conduct; such visual depiction is a digital image, computer image, or computer-generated image that is, or is indistinguishable from, that of a minor engaging in sexually explicit conduct; or such visual depiction has been created, adapted, or modified to appear that an identifiable minor is engaging in sexually explicit conduct.”
   
2. sexually explicit conduct” means actual or simulated—
   
3. sexual intercourse, including genital-genital, oral-genital, anal-genital, or oral-anal, whether between persons of the same or opposite sex;
   
4. bestiality;
   
5. masturbation;
   
6. sadistic or masochistic abuse; or
   
7. lascivious exhibition of the anus, genitals, or pubic area of any person;
   

TORTURE

The next shoe to drop was when I read the legal definitions of torture.
Torture is defined as “the infliction of intense pain (as from burning, crushing, or wounding) to punish, coerce, or afford sadistic pleasure”. -Merriam Webster
The U.N. Convention against Torture and Other Cruel, Inhuman or Degrading Treatment or Punishment says:
“For the purposes of this Convention, the term ‘torture’ means any act by which severe pain or suffering, whether physical or mental, is intentionally inflicted on a person for such purposes as obtaining from him or a third person information or a confession, punishing him for an act he or a third person has committed or is suspected of having committed, or intimidating or coercing him or a third person, or for any reason based on discrimination of any kind, when such pain or suffering is inflicted by or at the instigation of or with the consent or acquiescence of a public official or other person acting in an official capacity.”
The U.S. Federal torture 18 U.S. Code § 2340 says,
"'torture' means an act committed by a person acting under the color of law specifically intended to inflict severe physical or mental pain or suffering (other than pain or suffering incidental to lawful sanctions) upon another person within his custody or physical control"
The study “Child Torture as a Form of Child Abuse” from University of Wisconsin School ofMedicine and appearing in the Journal of Child & Adolescent Trauma states:

1. "Child torture is defined medically as...At least two physical assaults, occurring over at least two incidents or a single extended incident, which would cause prolonged physical pain, emotional distress, bodily injury, or death... And...
   
2. At least two elements of psychological abuse such as isolation, intimidation, emotional/psychological maltreatment, terrorizing, spurning, or deprivation...
   
3. Inflicted by the child’s caretaker(s)”
   

It also says:
* “Stover and Nightingale (1985) state: The purpose of torture is to break the will of thevictim and ultimately to break his or her humanity...through infliction of severe or acute physical pain and mental suffering...and requires that the torturer exert physical control over his or her victim. (p. 4–5)”
* “Campbell (2007) adds: ‘The act of torture is carried out for the purpose of physically and psychologically ‘breaking’ an individual’ (p. 633).’”
* “PTSD is the most commonly diagnosed psychological disorder among adult torture victims (Allodi and Cowgill 1982; Herman 1992). In addition to torture, polyvictimization has been recognized to be associated with worse mental health outcomes in child abuse victims (Finkelhor et al. 2011). By definition, all of \[the study participants\] have suffered polyvictimization as defined by Finkelhor.”
See [https://link.springer.com/article/10.1007/s40653-016-0108-x\](https://link.springer.com/article/10.1007/s40653-016-0108-x)

GRANDFATHER MANDATORY REPORTER

Also, in this fucked up land of fucking crazy shit, I realized that my grandfather, who we saw all the time, was a mandatory reporter THIS WHOLE TIME. He also had a masters in Psychology, so that's extra WTF.

DAD MENTAL HEALTH COUNSELOR

Another wild thing is that my dad just got his masters in counseling (christian counseling ofc) and is now working as a mental health care provider.

CONCLUSION

I was just diagnosed with Chronic PTSD a few weeks ago and have been out of work on treatment ever since.
But basically none of this feels real to me. I find it interesting in a sort of detached way that every time I detail what my childhood was like, they're shocked and appalled. I could see the female detective's eyes tearing up a bit. But I suppose it shouldn't be so surprising. After all, they put my sibling in the psych hospital 3x before the age of 18.
Please let me know what you all think. One of the silver linings on all this is because of my time in the military, I can get a free PTSD service dog which I'm excited for.
The crazy thing is that one of the counselors in the PTSD program is a former cop and sex crimes investigator and even he was shocked by how bad this whole thing is. So that's my life right now. :)
TLDR: Parents in child abuse cult; did S&M acts on us as kids; police investigating.

Hello! Today I am looking for a couple of partners to fool around with! I'm a switch/dom leaning for those who seek dominant partners! (I also love being a submissive partner as well! So don't be shy to ask me to switch!) I am offering myself as a voluptuous, and tall dom for all the good subs! (I can play in all shapes and sizes.) I am trying to do new things as well as vanilla and taboo prompts for roleplay. I'm also trying to get into futanari as well, so if you'd want me to play as a Futa instead of a regular woman. Then do let me know!
My discord username: vixen2599 I am much more active there.
I am looking for other women, so sorry to all you femboys and men who want to message because you will be ignored.
What I'm primarily looking for: I just want a simple cuddle/fun. I'm looking for subs who'd be willing to take the job of milking me when told to~ I also just want a smaller sub to lay on top of me while I coo at them for doing such a good job~ A sub that I can mark all over with lipstick in various locations~
A sample of my writing As your partner stood in front of you, her tall stature was intimidating. When you looked up at her bright, blue eyes. You felt calm, her blonde, silky hair hung over her right shoulder. Her pale skin was smooth when you ran your fingers above hers. Enjoying the warmth that your partner gave off, you couldn't help, but get closer. Your head rested up against her bare chest. With her massive bust, you felt like you could fall asleep on it. With her pink, soft nipple being just several inches away your lips. You pursed your lips and slowly engulfed her tender nipple. You were embarrassed and couldn't look up at your partner, but trembles feeling the touch of her fingers slowly rub your cheek. Your heart skipped a beat when she planted a kiss on the top of your head. You removed yourself from her nipple and looked up at her with rosy cheeks. She was wearing the necklace you bought her not long ago. Your eyes fluttered and looked back down at her chest. You couldn't help, but stuff your face into her chest as you hugged her tightly. Your partner ran her hand down your back, the tingling sensation from her nails made your spin shiver. Your face was hot, and soon looked back up at your partner. You could feel her hand on your navel and with the sudden grasp of her hands on the back of your thighs made you squeak and.
I am not always available, so I apologize in advance if I am not able to respond to your message.
• Things I enjoy
• Spanks, I like handing them out, whether it be smacking my partner's bottom or breasts.(It won't be hardcore spanks that'll make you feel pain.)
• Branding: I like leaving my markings on my partners. Whether it be hickies or using a pen or marker to write on my partner's body. (I won't prod you with a hot iron.)
• Milking: I like being milked, so don't be shy about getting a drink straight from the source! (I enjoy being a complete milk slut!)
• Face Sitting: I enjoy using my partner's face as a seat!
• Rimming: I enjoy licking my partner's anus, whether it be sticking my tongue in or leaving lipstick on it from a sloppy kiss.
• Exbition/Riskplay: I enjoy showing myself off in public, whether it be just wearing a trench coat and showing my nude body to my partner or having a quick love session in public.
Thumbnail
Thanks for reading!

TW//Sexual Abuse//Physical Violence

Hi All, I'm a male between ages 20 and 30.
I'm writing this after I drove down to the police station this morning and reported my parents for sex crimes against children, so this is all very fresh in my mind so it will be a long post.

BACKGROUND: CHILD ABUSE CULT

When I say cult, I don't mean a cult in the sense of David Koresh compound style cult, I mean more so in mindset and fringe religious practices. My parents believed in the doctrine called "mortification of the flesh", which basically states that people are born evil, and to make them not evil, you have to hit them. See [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Discipline\\\_(instrument\\\_of\\\_penance)\](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Discipline\_(instrument\_of\_penance))
My parents are extremist fundamentalist Christians. My dad was basically a pastor, and my mom "home schooled" us. When I say home school, I'm being very generous on the school part. They were part of the Quiverful evangelical home school movement and held to the teachings of people like Jonathan Lindvall, Dough Philips, Tedd Tripp, Mike and Debbie Pearl, Stan and Brenna Jones, and Dennis and Barbra Rainey, among others.
Basically, I have 100% proof my parents were using these books on me.

TEACHINGS OF TEDD TRIPP

The teachings of Tedd Tripp are certifiably insane. I'll provide several quotes here from his book, "Shepherding a Child's Heart":
* "Spanking is most effective in dealing with young children. They fear being spanked. The spanking gives weight to your words. The spanking sobers and humbles the child. As children get older they get more stoic about spanking. They learn how to deal with it. The intensity of spanking required to make the same impression on a 12-year-old that you make on a 2-year-old would be excessive.”
* “Remove his drawers so that the spanking is not lost in the padding of his pants.... It is best to lay the child across your lap rather than over a bed or a chair. This puts the spanking in the context of your physical relationship. He is not being removed from you to a neutral object for the purpose of being disciplined.”
* “I have witnessed spankings administered through a double layer of diapers to a child who never stopped moving long enough to know he had been spanked. The spanking was ineffective because the parents never made the rod felt.”
* “When your child is old enough to resist your directives, he is old enough to be disciplined. When he is resisting you, he is disobeying. If you fail to respond, those rebellious responses become entrenched. The longer you put off disciplining, the more intractable the disobedience will become.”
* “Rebellion can be something as simple as a small child struggling against a diaper change or stiffening his body when you want him to sit on your lap. The discipline procedure is the same as that which is laid out above. You have no way of knowing how much a child less than a year old can understand, but we do know that understanding comes long before the ability to articulate. Your temptation will be to wait until your children are speaking and able to articulate their rebellion before you deal with it.”
* “When our oldest child was approximately 8 months old, we were confronted with parenting our first mobile child. He crawled everywhere. We had a bookshelf constructed of boards and bricks. Fearing the shelf would fall on him, Margy told him not to pull himself up by the shelf. After moving him away from the shelf, she left the room. As she peeked in on him, she observed him surveying the room. Not seeing her, he headed back toward the forbidden bookshelf. Here was a young child, not yet able to walk or to talk, looking to see if the coast was clear so he could disobey. Obviously, he was old enough to be disciplined.”
* “After you have spanked, take the child up on your lap and hug him, telling him how much you love him...On some occasions I have had to say to our children: ‘Dear, Daddy has spanked you, but you are not sweet enough yet. We are going to have to go back upstairs for another spanking.’”
Tedd tripp said in an interview on desiringgod: “But what is the purpose of it? I think spanking is most effective with younger children. Spanking gets their attention. It gives weight to your words. It humbles them. They want to avoid it. And it becomes very effective, particularly with little children where you can’t really reason with them, and they are not capable of complex reasoning.... So I think that it is indispensable in those early years particularly.”

MIKE AND DEBBIE PEARL:

The book, "To Train Up a Child" is also particularly nasty, and 1994 edition especially so. In the 2015 version, they tried to smooth over some of the more abusive passages because parents were hitting their kids to death and they were using this book.
The book emphasizes the doctrine of the mortification of the flesh, stating:
* “A spanking (whipping, paddling, switching, or belting) is in-dispensable to the removal of guilt in your child. His very conscience (nature) demands punishment.”
* “If God’s love is expressed by the ‘whippings’ He gives, then can we not also love our children enough to chasten them unto holiness?”
* “The very nature of the child makes the rod an indispensable element in child training and discipline....“They go astray as soon as they be born, speaking lies” (Psalm 58:3).”
More messed up stuff includes:
* The opening line of this book states, “SWITCH YOUR KIDS”
* “Training does not necessarily require that the trainee be capable of reason; even mice and rats can be trained to respond to stimuli. Careful training can make a dog perfectly obedient. If a seeing-eye dog can be trained to reliably lead a blind man through the obstacles of a city street, shouldn’t a parent expect more out of an intelligent child? A dog can be trained not to touch a tasty morsel laid in front of him. Can’t a child be trained not to touch?”
* “A dog can be trained to come, stay, sit, be quiet or fetch upon command. You may not have trained your dog that well, yet every day someone accomplishes it on the dumbest mutts. Even a clumsy teenager can be trained to be an effective trainer in a dog obedience school. If you wait until your dog is displaying unacceptable behavior before you rebuke (or kick) him, you will have a foot-shy mutt who is always sulking around seeing what he can get away with before being screamed at.”
* “Where there is an absence of training, you can no more rebuke and whip a child into acceptable behavior than you can the family dog. No amount of discipline can make up for lack of training.”
* “Proper training always works on every child. To neglect training is to create miserable circumstances for yourself and your child. Out of innocent ignorance many of you have bypassed the training and expected the discipline alone to effect proper behavior.”
* “There is much satisfaction in training up a child. It is easy and challenging. When my children were able to crawl (in the case of one, roll) around the room, I set up training sessions. Try it yourself. Place an appealing object where they can reach it, maybe in a ‘No- no’ corner or on an apple juice table (That’s where the coffee table once sat). When they spy it and make a dive for it, in a calm voice say, "No, don’t touch it." They will already be familiar with the ‘No,’ so they will pause, look at you in wonder and then turn around and grab it. Switch their hand once and simultaneously say, ‘No.’”
* “Remember, you are not disciplining, you are training. One spat with a little switch is enough. They will again pull back their hand and consider the relationship between the object, their desire, the command and the little reinforcing pain. It may take several times, but if you are consistent, they will learn to consistently obey, even in your absence.”
* “As the mother, holding her child, leans over the crib and begins the swing downward, the infant stiffens, takes a deep breath and bellows. The battle for control has begun in earnest. Someone is going to be conditioned. Either the tender-hearted mother will cave-in to this self-centered demand (thus training the child to get his way by crying) or the infant is allowed to cry (learning that crying is counterproductive).”
Further evidence of the abusive nature of Mike & Debbie Pearl’s teachings is found in a video clip of Mike Pearl speaking at a seminar, demonstrating with a child doll, where he stated, “I'm gonna get this rod if he screams too hard with the first five \[and\] gets hysterical... wait... you know a little psychological terror sometimes more effective than the pain.”
See [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wt0QOKbEj7A\](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wt0QOKbEj7A) for a solid video by the channel Fundie Fridays on the Pearls.
Furthermore, Mike Pearl has explicitly justified domestic violence. In the book, “Created to be His Help Meet” by Debbie Pearl, described on the cover page as a guide to “Discover how God can make your marriage glorious”, Mike Pearl writes a section explicitly advocates for women to endure domestic violence:
* “Has your husband reviled you and threatened you? You are exhorted to respond as Jesus did. When he was reviled and threatened, he suffered by committing himself to a higher judge who is righteous. You must commit yourself to the one who placed you under your husband’s command."
* “Your husband will answer to God, and you must answer to God for how you respond to your husband, even when he causes you to suffer. Just as we are to obey government in every ordinance, and servants are to obey their masters, even the ones who are abusive and surly, ‘likewise, ye wives, be in subjection to your own husbands’...”
* “You can freely call your husband ‘lord’ when you know that you are addressing the one who put him in charge and asked you to suffer at your husband’s hands just as our Lord suffered at the hands of unjust authorities...”
* “When you endure evil and railing without returning it, you receive a blessing, not just as a martyr, but as one who worships God.”
The Seattle times actually wrote about the Pearls and their book: [https://www.seattletimes.com/seattle-news/did-hanas-parents-train-her-to-death/\](https://www.seattletimes.com/seattle-news/did-hanas-parents-train-her-to-death/)
* “‘It’s truly an evil book,’ said Michael Ramsey, the district attorney for Butte County, Calif.Ramsey successfully prosecuted Kevin and Elizabeth Schatz for hitting their daughter Lydia to death in Paradise, Calif., in 2006 with a plastic plumbing-supply tube — the kind the Pearls mention in an article on their website called ‘In Defense of Biblical Chastisement.’”
* “In Washington state, the death of Hana Williams marked the third time the Pearls’ names and their book have surfaced after the death of a child....”
* “Pearl encourages parents to think of the switch as a ‘magic wand’ and says teaching a child to obey is like training an animal: ‘A dog can be trained not to touch a tasty morsel laid in front of him. Can’t a child be trained not to touch?’”

JAMES DOBSON & FOCUS ON THE FAMILY

James Dobson is the founder of the religious organization and lobbying group Focus on the Family.
Here's a video of Dobson with Ronald Reagan in the Oval Office of the White House: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4hGZvawO1V8
The first chapter of his book, the New Strong Willed Child, describes Dobson beating his dog:
“He was a stubborn, twelve-pound dachshund named Sigmund Freud (Siggie), who honestly believed that he owned the place.... On the night of our great battle, I told Sigmund to leave his warm seat and go to bed. Instead, he flattened his ears and slowly turned his head toward me.... That was Siggie’s way of saying, “Get lost!”
I had seen this defiant mood before and knew that I had to deal with it. The only way to make Siggie obey was to threaten him with destruction. Nothing else worked. I turned and went to my closet and got a small belt to help me “reason” with ’ol Sig. My wife, who was watching this drama unfold, told me that as soon as I left the room, Siggie jumped from his perch and looked down the hall to see where I had gone. Then he got behind her and growled....
When I returned, I held up the belt and again told the angry dog to get into his bed. He stood his ground so I gave him a firm swat across the rear end, and he tried to bite the belt. I popped him again and he tried to bite me. What developed next is impossible to describe.
That tiny dog and I had the most vicious fight ever staged between man and beast. I fought him up one wall and down the other, with both of us scratching and clawing and growling. I am still embarrassed by the memory of the entire scene. Inch by inch I moved him toward the family room and his bed...
This is not a book about the discipline of dogs. But there is an important aspect of my story that is highly relevant to the world of children. Just as surely as a dog will occasionally challenge the authority of his leaders, a child is inclined to do the same thing, only more so.”

JONATHAN LINDVALL & BOLD CHRISTIAN PARENTING

My parents would play tapes of Jonathan Lindvall when we went on road trips. He advocated for a radical evangelical homeschool lifestyle, social isolation of children from other “worldly” children, having as many children as possible regardless of financial means, explicitly denounced the socialization of children, and stated that children’s education should focus primarily on the Bible.
I couldn't find the actual tapes they played but I found his old website: [https://web.archive.org/web/20120829030118/http://boldchristianliving.com/\](https://web.archive.org/web/20120829030118/http://boldchristianliving.com/)
Some outstanding bits include:
* “We all want our children to have the skills and disciplines to provide for their familiessome day. But job preparation is similarly not worthy as a primary goal of homeschooling. Jesus explicitly warned us not to be concerned with how our food and clothing are supplied (Matt. 6:19-34). This, in fact, is the context in which he called us to ‘seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness.’”
* “There are many desirable, God-pleasing results likely to come from our obedience to God in choosing to personally disciple our children. But no matter how good they are, if they are the focus, rather than our aim being to bring Jesus pleasure, they can become idols for us. Many homeschoolers have become enamored with the vision of the long-term societal (political/economic) impact our practices can have. May the Lord bring all this about, but may our hearts be set on Him more than on the impact we can have.”
* “Another objection virtually every homeschooler in western society has been confronted by is the ‘socialization’ question. In our society is assumed to be essential for children to spend time with peers to be properly adjusted. Yet the preponderance of scripture cautions from the opposite perspective. Proverbs 12:26 warns, ‘The righteous should choose his friends carefully, For the way of the wicked leads them astray.’ Proverbs 13:20 is even more pointed, saying, ‘He who walks with wise men will be wise, But the companion of fools will be destroyed.’ Paul was apparently quoting an accepted proverb at the time when he wrote, ‘Do not be deceived: ‘Evil company corrupts good habits’’ (1 Cor. 15:33).”
* “No doubt the Lord wants our children to learn to benefit from edifying fellowship, just as He wants this for us. However, positive social skills are generally not learned from children. God intends for fathers (not peers) to shape their children’s values and tendencies ‘in the training and admonition of the Lord’ (Eph. 6:4). This requires protecting our children from peer domination, and instead structuring our family lifestyles to facilitate intense, intimate relationship between our children and ourselves.”
* “Sadly, perhaps as a result of the world’s challenges regarding ‘socialization,’ many homeschoolers feel pressure to provide settings where their children can spend large amounts of time with peers. Thus, over the years we have seen homeschool support groups move from supporting the parents to supporting the children with extra-familial activities like sports teams, group music experiences, and cooperative classes. There are probably times when it is appropriate to expose our families to teaching situations where the parents are not necessarily doing all the teaching, but it is a significant danger to fall into the habit of exposing our children to the addictive peer group influences.”
• “Virtually every homeschool parent will easily identify the most frequently asked question about their homeschooling as, ‘What about socialization?’ When people ask this question, what are they wondering about? Are they worried that our children will not be capable of displaying lifelong servanthood for the glory of God? Generally not. They are shocked that we are not intimidated at the thought of our children being different from everyone else.”
• “Socialism is the attempt to equalize everyone--make everyone alike. But God didn't make us alike. He made each of us, including our children, to be unique. And we are not to minimize, but maximize our distinctives for the glory of God. We are not to try to mask our uniqueness beneath a facade of timid conformity. We are to SHINE! Jesus said (Mat 5:16), ‘Let your light so shine before men, that they may see your good works and glorify your Father in heaven.’”

STAN AND BRENNA JONES

First of all, this dude 100% looks like a pedo: [https://www.christiansexed.com/about-the-authors/\](https://www.christiansexed.com/about-the-authors/)
Their book, “What’s the Big Deal: Why God cares about sex” identifies as a christian sex education book for children as young as age 8. The cover of the book states, “Ages 8-12”.
The book states in the introduction, “We believe that God means for Christian parents to be their children’s primary sex educators. First messages are the most powerful-why wait until your child hears distorted views and then try to correct the misunderstanding? Sexuality is a beautiful gift-why not present it to your child the way God intended?”.
This book contains passages explicitly describing:
* How pleasurable sex is;
* The location and pleasurability of the clitoris;
* The sensitivity of the penis to pleasure
* What porn is and where it's found
* What rape porn is
* What sex slavery is
* Explicit descriptions of orgasms, including describing them as a sudden burst of pleasure
My dad read me this book when I was 8, 3rd grade.
TEDD TRIPP & BDSM P0RN SITES
What really got me thinking about this was the fact that in my state, the statute of limitations to sue in civil court for assault and battery was up, however the statute of limitations on sexual abuse was not.
So obviously all of this stuff is pretty messed up. But what takes it to the next level of messed up and makes what they did a sex crime (I'm hoping the DA sees it the same way), is when you really look at what Tedd Tripp advocates parents do to their children:
“Remove his drawers so that the spanking is not lost in the padding of his pants.... It is best to lay the child across your lap rather than over a bed or a chair. This puts the spanking in the context of your physical relationship. He is not being removed from you to a neutral object for the purpose of being disciplined.”
Which basically means:
* Take off the child's clothes
* Place them on your lap, fully or partially naked
* Strike them with what could legally be classified as a deadly weapon
So I started thinking about how spanking is a BDSM kink and fetish. Which was weird to think about in the context of what your parents did to you.
Then I thought, well damn there are tons of BDSM p0rn sites, there have to be some with what happened to me on there. It turns out that there are TONS of videos of exactly this on sites such as p0rnhub and heavy fetish .com.
For example:
* “Hard belt spanking for cheating” (porn hub)
* “Spanked to Tears with the Bathbrush - Real Tears for Letting Him Down” (porn hub)
* “Hard paddle spanking in the principal's office” (porn hub)
* “SPANK CHINA - Hua’s first spanking session”, (heavy fetish)
* "Spanking Jane" (heavy fetish)
I tried putting the links in but reddit flagged my post so if you’re really curious just search by title and website
These videos appear on the same site as stuff like real hardcore BDSM stuff like electrocution torture and people in cages, tied in the air and having their genitals electrocuted. Basically real torture like in this video: "WIRED PUSSY - Sandra Romain andSara Scott" (heavy fetish)
And then you realize, "oh, if they filmed what they did, it would be child p0rn_".
18 U.S. Code § 2256:

1. ‘child porn0graphy’ means any visual depiction, including any photograph, film, video, picture, or computer or computer-generated image or picture, whether made or produced by electronic, mechanical, or other means, of sexually explicit conduct, where- the production of such visual depiction involves the use of a minor engaging in sexually explicit conduct; such visual depiction is a digital image, computer image, or computer-generated image that is, or is indistinguishable from, that of a minor engaging in sexually explicit conduct; or such visual depiction has been created, adapted, or modified to appear that an identifiable minor is engaging in sexually explicit conduct.”
2. sexually explicit conduct” means actual or simulated—
3. sexual intercourse, including genital-genital, oral-genital, anal-genital, or oral-anal, whether between persons of the same or opposite sex;
4. bestiality;
5. masturbation;
6. sadistic or masochistic abuse; or
7. lascivious exhibition of the anus, genitals, or pubic area of any person;

TORTURE

The next shoe to drop was when I read the legal definitions of torture.
Torture is defined as “the infliction of intense pain (as from burning, crushing, or wounding) to punish, coerce, or afford sadistic pleasure”. -Merriam Webster
The U.N. Convention against Torture and Other Cruel, Inhuman or Degrading Treatment or Punishment says:
“For the purposes of this Convention, the term ‘torture’ means any act by which severe pain or suffering, whether physical or mental, is intentionally inflicted on a person for such purposes as obtaining from him or a third person information or a confession, punishing him for an act he or a third person has committed or is suspected of having committed, or intimidating or coercing him or a third person, or for any reason based on discrimination of any kind, when such pain or suffering is inflicted by or at the instigation of or with the consent or acquiescence of a public official or other person acting in an official capacity.”
The U.S. Federal torture 18 U.S. Code § 2340 says,
"'torture' means an act committed by a person acting under the color of law specifically intended to inflict severe physical or mental pain or suffering (other than pain or suffering incidental to lawful sanctions) upon another person within his custody or physical control"
The study “Child Torture as a Form of Child Abuse” from University of Wisconsin School ofMedicine and appearing in the Journal of Child & Adolescent Trauma states:

1. "Child torture is defined medically as...At least two physical assaults, occurring over at least two incidents or a single extended incident, which would cause prolonged physical pain, emotional distress, bodily injury, or death... And...
2. At least two elements of psychological abuse such as isolation, intimidation, emotional/psychological maltreatment, terrorizing, spurning, or deprivation...
3. Inflicted by the child’s caretaker(s)”

It also says:
* “Stover and Nightingale (1985) state: The purpose of torture is to break the will of thevictim and ultimately to break his or her humanity...through infliction of severe or acute physical pain and mental suffering...and requires that the torturer exert physical control over his or her victim. (p. 4–5)”
* “Campbell (2007) adds: ‘The act of torture is carried out for the purpose of physically and psychologically ‘breaking’ an individual’ (p. 633).’”
* “PTSD is the most commonly diagnosed psychological disorder among adult torture victims (Allodi and Cowgill 1982; Herman 1992). In addition to torture, polyvictimization has been recognized to be associated with worse mental health outcomes in child abuse victims (Finkelhor et al. 2011). By definition, all of \[the study participants\] have suffered polyvictimization as defined by Finkelhor.”
See [https://link.springer.com/article/10.1007/s40653-016-0108-x\](https://link.springer.com/article/10.1007/s40653-016-0108-x)

GRANDFATHER MANDATORY REPORTER

Also, in this fucked up land of fucking crazy shit, I realized that my grandfather, who we saw all the time, was a mandatory reporter THIS WHOLE TIME. He also had a masters in Psychology, so that's extra WTF.

DAD MENTAL HEALTH COUNSELOR

Another wild thing is that my dad just got his masters in counseling (christian counseling ofc) and is now working as a mental health care provider.

CONCLUSION

I was just diagnosed with Chronic PTSD a few weeks ago and have been out of work on treatment ever since.
But basically none of this feels real to me. I find it interesting in a sort of detached way that every time I detail what my childhood was like, they're shocked and appalled. I could see the female detective's eyes tearing up a bit. But I suppose it shouldn't be so surprising. After all, they put my sibling in the psych hospital 3x before the age of 18.
Please let me know what you all think. One of the silver linings on all this is because of my time in the military, I can get a free PTSD service dog which I'm excited for.
But the thing that finally made me realize this should be referred to the police was that one of the counselors in the PTSD program is a former cop and sex crimes investigator and was shocked by this whole thing. So that's my life right now. :)
TLDR: Parents in child abuse cult; did S&M acts on us as kids; police investigating.

Hi folks, I'm Matt the Community Manager for Hooded Horse.
We compiled a list of tips, tricks, and other vital information to help you along in Manor Lords. If you've discovered anything about the game that you think would help others, please feel free to share it here.

Essential Early Game Tips

What should I build first to gather and store basic supplies?

• Start with essential structures in this order: a granary, a storehouse, a logging camp, and a woodcutter. Postpone constructing burgage plots until these are in place. Do not upgrade the Homeless People’s Tents to a Worker’s Camp.

Should I focus on farming at the beginning?

• Avoid farming initially, as it's a massive undertaking. Rely on hunting/gathering and burgage plot extensions (Vegetable Plots, Chicken Coops) to sustain your town. Note fertile areas for later use.

When should I start building burgage plots and food production buildings?

• A Hunting Camp is free to build, so provided there is a nearby herd of deer, you should build that as soon as your Granary is up and running. A Forager Hut will depend on how close your nearest source of berries is – slot it in as soon as you can, but you could also prioritize getting backyard extensions up and running instead.

How soon should I build a marketplace?

• Establish a Marketplace when your Burgage Plots are populated to distribute goods to the people. Food, firewood, clothes, and other essentials will not be distributed without a Marketplace.
• It’s important to note that Marketplaces have a fixed radius and that Burgage Plots fulfill their needs based on proximity. There are other factors as well, such as getting goods to the market, there being enough market stalls for a particular good, etc. Please consider these if you are having issues fulfilling the needs of your Burgage Plots.

Is it important to have a church and other amenities early on?

• Assuming normal difficulty settings, a Church isn’t that important within your first year and is only a requirement once you want to start upgrading Burgage Plots to Level 2. A Food Stall with diverse food types (e.g., berries, and meat) will boost village approval ratings initially, setting the stage for additional structures like a Tannery and advancing to level 2 Burgage Plots.

General Gameplay FAQs

Do you need empty houses for people to immigrate to your village?

• Yes, empty houses are necessary for attracting new villagers. Note that if you upgraded your Homeless People’s Tents into a Worker’s Camp, your population won’t move out into empty burgage plots. This is a known issue, and we do not recommend upgrading the Homeless People’s Tents in your starting region.

Can you set a maximum production limit on items?

• No, the game does not currently support setting maximum production limits, however Artisan extensions can be paused by selecting the building in question and pressing the pause button located at the top right corner of the Burgage Plot UI.

Why does my Ox keep running away?

• Consider adding another Hitching Post or upgrading it to a Stable. Animals run away if there’s no place for them to stay.

What do Horses, Oxen, and Mules do?

• Horses allow traders to move larger quantities of goods via carts. They are not used for anything else right now.
• Mules are used by the Pack Station to move goods between regions.
• Oxen are used to haul around timber, and if you take the right development branch, can be used to plow a field.

What is the King's Road, and how do I connect to it?

• The King's Road connects all regions. You need to build a road that ultimately connects to a pre-existing King’s Road. There is a known issue where sometimes it says you’re not connected, even when you are.

Retinue

• You can get a Retinue when you build your Manor. It can be increased in size by building certain buildings via the Castle Planner. To increase the size of your retinue, you must first build a Garrison Tower in the Castle Planner, and then customize your retinue, spending Treasury to add individuals.

Trade

• Once you’ve built a Trading Post, you can import and export items.
• You have to set up a “Trade Rule” on each individual item you want to buy or sell, this can be found on the far left of each individual item line, which will be set to “No Trade” by default. This is a drop-down menu that you can change.
• Setting the Stockpile number will mean you will either be importing or exporting until your stockpile reaches the desired number using your Trade Rule to determine if this Trading Post will only import or export to reach the desired number, or do both to maintain it.
• While ALL goods can have a dedicated Trade Route set-up (which means there is a dedicated merchant buying and selling that product) certain high-tier items (e.g Tools, Weapons) can ONLY be imported and exported once you’ve set up the corresponding Trade Route. This is done by clicking on the button on the far right of each individual item line, and requires Regional Wealth to set up.

Regional Wealth vs Personal Treasury

• Regional Wealth, found along the top info panel to the left of the settlement name, is a representation of the wealth of your population.
  • It is used to purchase backyard and artisan extensions for Burgage Plots, as well as animals like Oxen, Sheep, etc. and to import goods at the Trading Post or Livestock Trading Post
  • It is generated via trade, as well as Level 2 or higher Burgage Plots
• The Treasury is found in the upper right and is a representation of your character’s personal funds.
  • It is used to hire mercenaries, as well as fund the settlement of other regions using Settlers Camps.
  • It is generated via Tax and other Policies, as well as clearing out Bandit Camps.
  • For Tax, you need to have regional wealth. No Regional Wealth = no tax income to your Treasury.

Resource Management and Production

How to make ale?

• Grow barley, process it into malt at a Malthouse, and brew it into ale at a level 2 or higher burgage plot with a Brewery extension. Ale is used by the Tavern to satisfy the “Entertainment” requirement of higher tier Burgage Plots, but it does not make the Ale itself. You can also import barley and malt to process it into ale, or you can directly import ale as well.

How do you produce enough food?

• Utilize Chicken Coops for eggs and vegetable gardens for substantial produce – for the latter, a larger Burgage plot with a bigger backyard will give better yields, although requires more time to be worked on.
• Establish Orchards for apples, though they take three years to reach full production. Consider additional sources like honey from Apiaries (which also needs a development point) and traditional methods like hunting and farming.

Hunters are refusing to hunt, why?

• Ensure that hides go to the Storehouse and meat goes to the Granary; otherwise, the hunters' function will be disrupted. Families assigned to the Storehouse and Granary will move these goods to their respective storage locations. Also check that you haven’t accidentally depleted the herd, or whether the herd has depleted to your set hunting cap. Consider re-assigning hunting families to another temporary job to let the herd regenerate – for example, you could bounce the same family between the Forager Hut and the Hunting Camp, as Berry deposits are seasonal.

Why does my sawmill not make planks?

• The Sawmill requires timber to create planks. This timber needs transporting with an Ox from the logging pit (or from the forest, if freshly cut) to the Sawmill for it to do its job. If you don’t have enough timber, or unassigned families to work the Ox to transport the timber, then production will halt.

How do I know how much [X] is producing?

• Manor Lords deliberately obfuscates output and consumption numbers in most cases, so you will never know your production output with 100% accuracy, especially in terms of food, etc.
• Burgage Plots consume one food and one fuel per month, with fuel consumption doubling in Winter.
• The Barrel symbol to the left of the settlement name along the top info panel will tell you roughly how many months of food and firewood reserves your settlement has. Use this as an indicator as to whether your population is growing too fast, and adjust accordingly.
• Some production information is available via the official Wiki.

Building and Development Tips

New buildings are not being constructed, why?

• This issue often stems from a lack of materials if multiple constructions are attempted simultaneously. There is a known issue where construction workers will take resources from one construction site to another.

Advice on placing manor walls:

• Do not try to build the Castle/Manor walls around anything other than the Manor, and any buildings available via the Castle Planner. City Walls are a planned feature that will come later in early access and the castle walls are not designed to encompass entire settlements. Doing so will likely render buildings inaccessible.

Farming

• In order to engage in farming, you will need to create a Field, and build a Farmhouse.
• The farmhouse is essential for converting wheat into grain, which is then processed into flour at the mill. You also need families assigned to the farmhouse so that they can plow, sow, and harvest the fields during the appropriate seasons.
• If you take the Heavy Plough development that lets you use Oxen in the fields, you first need to build the Plow in the farmhouse, and then assign an Ox to the Farmhouse for it to work.
• There is a known issue where estimated crop yields in the month of September are inaccurate, so you won’t harvest as much as the game tells you you will.
• The fertility rating of a field at game start is the maximum fertility level that field will ever have. It will decrease over time, however you can use strategies such as leaving a field Fallow for a season and general crop rotation or using the development option to allow farm animals to use fallow fields, to regenerate fertility rating back to its starting maximum.

Expansion and Conquest

How do we settle new regions?

• Claim regions with influence and establish a Settler’s Camp using funds from your Treasury. This camp starts with some resources, facilitating the establishment of a Logging Camp and other structures.
• You will need to build a Pack Station to trade resources between two regions. This requires both regions to have goods to barter, and Storehouses or Granaries to store the bartered goods. You can also trade resources between two regions using Trading Posts, but this costs regional wealth and is better reserved for later use.
• It costs 1,000 influence to claim an unclaimed region, 2,000 to claim a region owned by the AI lord.
• Influence can be gained from clearing out bandit camps, building a Manor, and collecting tithe at the Manor.

Seasonal Work and Crop Management

Do farmers still work in winter?

• The current cycle for farming is: September - Harvest October & November - Plowing then sowing Winter - Anything not sown to 100% will die off

Population and Approval Management

How do I increase my population and maintain approval ratings?

• Maintain over 50% approval and ensure space in burgage plots is available. A church and multiple food types in your marketplace can significantly boost approval ratings and population growth.
• Immigration is capped at 1 new family per month at 50%-75% approval, 2 per month at 75%+ approval rating, and no new families will appear if there isn’t a free burgage plot
• There is a potential issue under investigation with people not moving into free housing later on in the game.

Strategic Expansion and Military Tactics

How do I effectively use military forces against AI or bandits?

• Use notifications about AI movements to your advantage, especially if they indicate an attack on a bandit camp. This is an opportunity to engage strategically and capture resources with minimal conflict.

Misc.

• The intended GLOBAL cap on army size is six military units, including militia and your personal retinue.
  • This does not include mercenaries – you can hire as many mercenary companies as you can afford to support to supplement your army.
  • There are a couple of known exploits, namely:
    • If you build six militia units, you can still unlock your first retinue when you build the Manor.
    • Details are TBD, but it seems to be possible to unlock additional retinue units by building Manors in other regions.
• Mercenary Companies require payment every month. Available mercenaries refresh every month, however, there is a known issue where sometimes the AI Baron will hire a lot of mercenaries, leaving none for the player. Make sure you disband mercenary units to disband the Mercenary Company – otherwise, you’ll keep paying them.

Other Known Issues and Common Misconceptions

Apart from those mentioned above, here is a collection of commonly reported known issues that you may encounter:

• Archers are potentially underpowered right now. They were considered overpowered prior to launch, and balancing them is an ongoing concern.
• Pressing the TAB key can reveal more information about a variety of on-map game elements.
• Oxen are crucial for early game transportation of timber – for construction but also for things like the saw mill. Consider buying an extra one early.
• Certain goods, like Tools, don’t have a function and are only there to be exported to generate regional wealth. There is a plan to make them more useful in the future as the game develops.
• You need to ensure there is space in the Logging Camp to pick up timber from demolished buildings, otherwise they will remain in place. You can build extra Logging Camps that don’t need to be staffed by a family to create extra storage.
• If you are playing in Peaceful mode, there is no underground water so you don’t need to place the Well in a specific location.
• The Livestock Trader comes with its own capacity to house Sheep. Sheep won’t move out of the Livestock Trader and into any Pastures you’ve created until you exceed the capacity of the Livestock Trader first. There is no way to force Sheep into pastures.
  • A Sheep Farm is used to passively collect Wool from sheep in the Livestock Trader and Pastures. It also comes with its own capacity to house Sheep, but Sheep don’t need to be in it for Wool to be generated. Sheep will protitize going to Pastures over Sheep Farms if both are present.
• The different outpost versions when settling a new region are a WIP feature and not available currently. You can only pick the first one.

If you are having an issue with the Game Pass version of the game, please consider these steps first:

• Check that Gaming Services, the Xbox app, and Game Bar are up to date. You can do this by opening the Microsoft Store app and going to 'Library'
• Make sure the user is signed in to their Xbox account in the Xbox app and Game Bar (Win+G)
• Try uninstalling and reinstalling Gaming Services

If you are continuing to have issues, please go to the Bug Report area of the Discord and file a bug report.

TW//Sexual Abuse//Physical Violence
Hi All, I'm a male between ages 20 and 30.
I'm writing this after I drove down to the police station this morning and reported my parents for sex crimes against children, so this is all very fresh in my mind so it will be a long post. Sorry for the weird title, reddit has been flagging and autoremoving this post for some reason.

BACKGROUND: CHILD ABUSE CULT

When I say cult, I don't mean a cult in the sense of David Koresh compound style cult, I mean more so in mindset and fringe religious practices. My parents believed in the doctrine called "mortification of the flesh", which basically states that people are born evil, and to make them not evil, you have to hit them. See https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Discipline_(instrument_of_penance))
My parents are extremist fundamentalist Christians. My dad was basically a pastor, and my mom "home schooled" us. When I say home school, I'm being very generous on the school part. They were part of the Quiverful evangelical home school movement and held to the teachings of people like Jonathan Lindvall, Dough Philips, Tedd Tripp, Mike and Debbie Pearl, Stan and Brenna Jones, and Dennis and Barbra Rainey, among others.
Basically, I have pretty solid proof my parents were using these books on me.

TEACHINGS OF TEDD TRIPP

The teachings of Tedd Tripp are certifiably insane. I'll provide several quotes here from his book, "Shepherding a Child's Heart":

• "Spanking is most effective in dealing with young children. They fear being spanked. The spanking gives weight to your words. The spanking sobers and humbles the child. As children get older they get more stoic about spanking. They learn how to deal with it. The intensity of spanking required to make the same impression on a 12-year-old that you make on a 2-year-old would be excessive.”
• “Remove his drawers so that the spanking is not lost in the padding of his pants.... It is best to lay the child across your lap rather than over a bed or a chair. This puts the spanking in the context of your physical relationship. He is not being removed from you to a neutral object for the purpose of being disciplined.”
• “I have witnessed spankings administered through a double layer of diapers to a child who never stopped moving long enough to know he had been spanked. The spanking was ineffective because the parents never made the rod felt.”
• “When your child is old enough to resist your directives, he is old enough to be disciplined. When he is resisting you, he is disobeying. If you fail to respond, those rebellious responses become entrenched. The longer you put off disciplining, the more intractable the disobedience will become.”
• “Rebellion can be something as simple as a small child struggling against a diaper change or stiffening his body when you want him to sit on your lap. The discipline procedure is the same as that which is laid out above. You have no way of knowing how much a child less than a year old can understand, but we do know that understanding comes long before the ability to articulate. Your temptation will be to wait until your children are speaking and able to articulate their rebellion before you deal with it.”
• “When our oldest child was approximately 8 months old, we were confronted with parenting our first mobile child. He crawled everywhere. We had a bookshelf constructed of boards and bricks. Fearing the shelf would fall on him, Margy told him not to pull himself up by the shelf. After moving him away from the shelf, she left the room. As she peeked in on him, she observed him surveying the room. Not seeing her, he headed back toward the forbidden bookshelf. Here was a young child, not yet able to walk or to talk, looking to see if the coast was clear so he could disobey. Obviously, he was old enough to be disciplined.”
• “After you have spanked, take the child up on your lap and hug him, telling him how much you love him...On some occasions I have had to say to our children: ‘Dear, Daddy has spanked you, but you are not sweet enough yet. We are going to have to go back upstairs for another spanking.’”

Tedd tripp said in an interview on desiringgod: “But what is the purpose of it? I think spanking is most effective with younger children. Spanking gets their attention. It gives weight to your words. It humbles them. They want to avoid it. And it becomes very effective, particularly with little children where you can’t really reason with them, and they are not capable of complex reasoning.... So I think that it is indispensable in those early years particularly.”

MIKE AND DEBBIE PEARL:

The book, "To Train Up a Child" is also particularly nasty, and 1994 edition especially so. In the 2015 version, they tried to smooth over some of the more abusive passages because parents were hitting their kids to death and they were using this book.
The book emphasizes the doctrine of the mortification of the flesh, stating:

• “A spanking (whipping, paddling, switching, or belting) is in-dispensable to the removal of guilt in your child. His very conscience (nature) demands punishment.”
• “If God’s love is expressed by the ‘whippings’ He gives, then can we not also love our children enough to chasten them unto holiness?”
• “The very nature of the child makes the rod an indispensable element in child training and discipline....“They go astray as soon as they be born, speaking lies” (Psalm 58:3).”

More messed up stuff includes:

• The opening line of this book states, “SWITCH YOUR KIDS”
• “Training does not necessarily require that the trainee be capable of reason; even mice and rats can be trained to respond to stimuli. Careful training can make a dog perfectly obedient. If a seeing-eye dog can be trained to reliably lead a blind man through the obstacles of a city street, shouldn’t a parent expect more out of an intelligent child? A dog can be trained not to touch a tasty morsel laid in front of him. Can’t a child be trained not to touch?”
• “A dog can be trained to come, stay, sit, be quiet or fetch upon command. You may not have trained your dog that well, yet every day someone accomplishes it on the dumbest mutts. Even a clumsy teenager can be trained to be an effective trainer in a dog obedience school. If you wait until your dog is displaying unacceptable behavior before you rebuke (or kick) him, you will have a foot-shy mutt who is always sulking around seeing what he can get away with before being screamed at.”
• “Where there is an absence of training, you can no more rebuke and whip a child into acceptable behavior than you can the family dog. No amount of discipline can make up for lack of training.”
• “Proper training always works on every child. To neglect training is to create miserable circumstances for yourself and your child. Out of innocent ignorance many of you have bypassed the training and expected the discipline alone to effect proper behavior.”
• “There is much satisfaction in training up a child. It is easy and challenging. When my children were able to crawl (in the case of one, roll) around the room, I set up training sessions. Try it yourself. Place an appealing object where they can reach it, maybe in a ‘No- no’ corner or on an apple juice table (That’s where the coffee table once sat). When they spy it and make a dive for it, in a calm voice say, "No, don’t touch it." They will already be familiar with the ‘No,’ so they will pause, look at you in wonder and then turn around and grab it. Switch their hand once and simultaneously say, ‘No.’”
• “Remember, you are not disciplining, you are training. One spat with a little switch is enough. They will again pull back their hand and consider the relationship between the object, their desire, the command and the little reinforcing pain. It may take several times, but if you are consistent, they will learn to consistently obey, even in your absence.”
• “As the mother, holding her child, leans over the crib and begins the swing downward, the infant stiffens, takes a deep breath and bellows. The battle for control has begun in earnest. Someone is going to be conditioned. Either the tender-hearted mother will cave-in to this self-centered demand (thus training the child to get his way by crying) or the infant is allowed to cry (learning that crying is counterproductive).”

Further evidence of the abusive nature of Mike & Debbie Pearl’s teachings is found in a video clip of Mike Pearl speaking at a seminar, demonstrating with a child doll, where he stated, “I'm gonna get this rod if he screams too hard with the first five [and] gets hysterical... wait... you know a little psychological terror sometimes more effective than the pain.”
See https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wt0QOKbEj7A for a solid video by the channel Fundie Fridays on the Pearls.
Furthermore, Mike Pearl has explicitly justified domestic violence. In the book, “Created to be His Help Meet” by Debbie Pearl, described on the cover page as a guide to “Discover how God can make your marriage glorious”, Mike Pearl writes a section explicitly advocates for women to endure domestic violence:

• “Has your husband reviled you and threatened you? You are exhorted to respond as Jesus did. When he was reviled and threatened, he suffered by committing himself to a higher judge who is righteous. You must commit yourself to the one who placed you under your husband’s command."
• “Your husband will answer to God, and you must answer to God for how you respond to your husband, even when he causes you to suffer. Just as we are to obey government in every ordinance, and servants are to obey their masters, even the ones who are abusive and surly, ‘likewise, ye wives, be in subjection to your own husbands’...”
• “You can freely call your husband ‘lord’ when you know that you are addressing the one who put him in charge and asked you to suffer at your husband’s hands just as our Lord suffered at the hands of unjust authorities...”
• “When you endure evil and railing without returning it, you receive a blessing, not just as a martyr, but as one who worships God.”

The Seattle times actually wrote about the Pearls and their book: https://www.seattletimes.com/seattle-news/did-hanas-parents-train-her-to-death/

• “‘It’s truly an evil book,’ said Michael Ramsey, the district attorney for Butte County, Calif.Ramsey successfully prosecuted Kevin and Elizabeth Schatz for hitting their daughter Lydia to death in Paradise, Calif., in 2006 with a plastic plumbing-supply tube — the kind the Pearls mention in an article on their website called ‘In Defense of Biblical Chastisement.’”
• “In Washington state, the death of Hana Williams marked the third time the Pearls’ names and their book have surfaced after the death of a child....”
• “Pearl encourages parents to think of the switch as a ‘magic wand’ and says teaching a child to obey is like training an animal: ‘A dog can be trained not to touch a tasty morsel laid in front of him. Can’t a child be trained not to touch?’”

JAMES DOBSON & FOCUS ON THE FAMILY

James Dobson is the founder of the religious organization and lobbying group Focus on the Family.
Here's a video of Dobson with Ronald Reagan in the Oval Office of the White House: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4hGZvawO1V8
The first chapter of his book, the New Strong Willed Child, describes Dobson beating his dog:
“He was a stubborn, twelve-pound dachshund named Sigmund Freud (Siggie), who honestly believed that he owned the place.... On the night of our great battle, I told Sigmund to leave his warm seat and go to bed. Instead, he flattened his ears and slowly turned his head toward me.... That was Siggie’s way of saying, “Get lost!”
I had seen this defiant mood before and knew that I had to deal with it. The only way to make Siggie obey was to threaten him with destruction. Nothing else worked. I turned and went to my closet and got a small belt to help me “reason” with ’ol Sig. My wife, who was watching this drama unfold, told me that as soon as I left the room, Siggie jumped from his perch and looked down the hall to see where I had gone. Then he got behind her and growled....
When I returned, I held up the belt and again told the angry dog to get into his bed. He stood his ground so I gave him a firm swat across the rear end, and he tried to bite the belt. I popped him again and he tried to bite me. What developed next is impossible to describe.
That tiny dog and I had the most vicious fight ever staged between man and beast. I fought him up one wall and down the other, with both of us scratching and clawing and growling. I am still embarrassed by the memory of the entire scene. Inch by inch I moved him toward the family room and his bed...
This is not a book about the discipline of dogs. But there is an important aspect of my story that is highly relevant to the world of children. Just as surely as a dog will occasionally challenge the authority of his leaders, a child is inclined to do the same thing, only more so.”

JONATHAN LINDVALL & BOLD CHRISTIAN PARENTING

My parents would play tapes of Jonathan Lindvall when we went on road trips. He advocated for a radical evangelical homeschool lifestyle, social isolation of children from other “worldly” children, having as many children as possible regardless of financial means, explicitly denounced the socialization of children, and stated that children’s education should focus primarily on the Bible.
I couldn't find the actual tapes they played but I found his old website: https://web.archive.org/web/20120829030118/http://boldchristianliving.com/
Some outstanding bits include:

• “We all want our children to have the skills and disciplines to provide for their familiessome day. But job preparation is similarly not worthy as a primary goal of homeschooling. Jesus explicitly warned us not to be concerned with how our food and clothing are supplied (Matt. 6:19-34). This, in fact, is the context in which he called us to ‘seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness.’”
• “There are many desirable, God-pleasing results likely to come from our obedience to God in choosing to personally disciple our children. But no matter how good they are, if they are the focus, rather than our aim being to bring Jesus pleasure, they can become idols for us. Many homeschoolers have become enamored with the vision of the long-term societal (political/economic) impact our practices can have. May the Lord bring all this about, but may our hearts be set on Him more than on the impact we can have.”
• “Another objection virtually every homeschooler in western society has been confronted by is the ‘socialization’ question. In our society is assumed to be essential for children to spend time with peers to be properly adjusted. Yet the preponderance of scripture cautions from the opposite perspective. Proverbs 12:26 warns, ‘The righteous should choose his friends carefully, For the way of the wicked leads them astray.’ Proverbs 13:20 is even more pointed, saying, ‘He who walks with wise men will be wise, But the companion of fools will be destroyed.’ Paul was apparently quoting an accepted proverb at the time when he wrote, ‘Do not be deceived: ‘Evil company corrupts good habits’’ (1 Cor. 15:33).”
• “No doubt the Lord wants our children to learn to benefit from edifying fellowship, just as He wants this for us. However, positive social skills are generally not learned from children. God intends for fathers (not peers) to shape their children’s values and tendencies ‘in the training and admonition of the Lord’ (Eph. 6:4). This requires protecting our children from peer domination, and instead structuring our family lifestyles to facilitate intense, intimate relationship between our children and ourselves.”
• “Sadly, perhaps as a result of the world’s challenges regarding ‘socialization,’ many homeschoolers feel pressure to provide settings where their children can spend large amounts of time with peers. Thus, over the years we have seen homeschool support groups move from supporting the parents to supporting the children with extra-familial activities like sports teams, group music experiences, and cooperative classes. There are probably times when it is appropriate to expose our families to teaching situations where the parents are not necessarily doing all the teaching, but it is a significant danger to fall into the habit of exposing our children to the addictive peer group influences.” • “Virtually every homeschool parent will easily identify the most frequently asked question about their homeschooling as, ‘What about socialization?’ When people ask this question, what are they wondering about? Are they worried that our children will not be capable of displaying lifelong servanthood for the glory of God? Generally not. They are shocked that we are not intimidated at the thought of our children being different from everyone else.” • “Socialism is the attempt to equalize everyone--make everyone alike. But God didn't make us alike. He made each of us, including our children, to be unique. And we are not to minimize, but maximize our distinctives for the glory of God. We are not to try to mask our uniqueness beneath a facade of timid conformity. We are to SHINE! Jesus said (Mat 5:16), ‘Let your light so shine before men, that they may see your good works and glorify your Father in heaven.’”

STAN AND BRENNA JONES

First of all, here's a photo of the author: https://www.christiansexed.com/about-the-authors/
Their book, “What’s the Big Deal: Why God cares about sex” identifies as a christian sex education book for children as young as age 8. The cover of the book states, “Ages 8-12”.
The book states in the introduction, “We believe that God means for Christian parents to be their children’s primary sex educators. First messages are the most powerful-why wait until your child hears distorted views and then try to correct the misunderstanding? Sexuality is a beautiful gift-why not present it to your child the way God intended?”.
This book contains passages explicitly describing:

• How pleasurable sex is;
• The location and pleasurability of the clitoris;
• The sensitivity of the penis to pleasure
• What porn is and where it's found
• What rape porn is
• What sex slavery is
• Explicit descriptions of orgasms, including describing them as a sudden burst of pleasure

My dad read me this book when I was 8, 3rd grade.
TEDD TRIPP & BDSM P0RN SITES
What really got me thinking about this was the fact that in my state, the statute of limitations to sue in civil court for assault and battery was up, however the statute of limitations on sexual abuse was not.
So obviously all of this stuff is pretty messed up. But what takes it to the next level of messed up and makes what they did a sex crime (I'm hoping the DA sees it the same way), is when you really look at what Tedd Tripp advocates parents do to their children:
“Remove his drawers so that the spanking is not lost in the padding of his pants.... It is best to lay the child across your lap rather than over a bed or a chair. This puts the spanking in the context of your physical relationship. He is not being removed from you to a neutral object for the purpose of being disciplined.”
Which basically means:

• Take off the child's clothes
• Place them on your lap, fully or partially naked
• Strike them with what could legally be classified as a deadly weapon

So I started thinking about how spanking is a BDSM kink and fetish. Which was weird to think about in the context of what your parents did to you.
Then I thought, well damn there are tons of BDSM p0rn sites, there have to be some with what happened to me on there. It turns out that there are TONS of videos of exactly this on sites such as p0rnhub and heavy fetish .com.
For example:

• “Hard belt spanking for cheating” (porn hub)
• “Spanked to Tears with the Bathbrush - Real Tears for Letting Him Down” (porn hub)
• “Hard paddle spanking in the principal's office” (porn hub)
• “SPANK CHINA - Hua’s first spanking session”, (heavy fetish)
• "Spanking Jane" (heavy fetish)

I tried putting the links in but reddit flagged my post so if you’re really curious just search by title and website
These videos appear on the same site as stuff like real hardcore BDSM stuff like electrocution torture and people in cages, tied in the air and having their genitals electrocuted. Basically real torture like in this video: "WIRED PUSSY - Sandra Romain andSara Scott" (heavy fetish)
And then you realize, "oh, if they filmed what they did, it would be child p0rn_".
18 U.S. Code § 2256:

1. ‘child porn0graphy’ means any visual depiction, including any photograph, film, video, picture, or computer or computer-generated image or picture, whether made or produced by electronic, mechanical, or other means, of sexually explicit conduct, where- the production of such visual depiction involves the use of a minor engaging in sexually explicit conduct; such visual depiction is a digital image, computer image, or computer-generated image that is, or is indistinguishable from, that of a minor engaging in sexually explicit conduct; or such visual depiction has been created, adapted, or modified to appear that an identifiable minor is engaging in sexually explicit conduct.”
2. sexually explicit conduct” means actual or simulated—
   1. sexual intercourse, including genital-genital, oral-genital, anal-genital, or oral-anal, whether between persons of the same or opposite sex;
   2. bestiality;
   3. masturbation;
   4. sadistic or masochistic abuse; or
   5. lascivious exhibition of the anus, genitals, or pubic area of any person;

TORTURE

The next shoe to drop was when I read the legal definitions of torture. Torture is defined as “the infliction of intense pain (as from burning, crushing, or wounding) to punish, coerce, or afford sadistic pleasure”. -Merriam Webster
The U.N. Convention against Torture and Other Cruel, Inhuman or Degrading Treatment or Punishment says:
“For the purposes of this Convention, the term ‘torture’ means any act by which severe pain or suffering, whether physical or mental, is intentionally inflicted on a person for such purposes as obtaining from him or a third person information or a confession, punishing him for an act he or a third person has committed or is suspected of having committed, or intimidating or coercing him or a third person, or for any reason based on discrimination of any kind, when such pain or suffering is inflicted by or at the instigation of or with the consent or acquiescence of a public official or other person acting in an official capacity.”
The U.S. Federal torture 18 U.S. Code § 2340 says,
"'torture' means an act committed by a person acting under the color of law specifically intended to inflict severe physical or mental pain or suffering (other than pain or suffering incidental to lawful sanctions) upon another person within his custody or physical control"
The study “Child Torture as a Form of Child Abuse” from University of Wisconsin School ofMedicine and appearing in the Journal of Child & Adolescent Trauma states:

1. "Child torture is defined medically as...At least two physical assaults, occurring over at least two incidents or a single extended incident, which would cause prolonged physical pain, emotional distress, bodily injury, or death... And...
2. At least two elements of psychological abuse such as isolation, intimidation, emotional/psychological maltreatment, terrorizing, spurning, or deprivation...
3. Inflicted by the child’s caretaker(s)”

It also says:

• “Stover and Nightingale (1985) state: The purpose of torture is to break the will of thevictim and ultimately to break his or her humanity...through infliction of severe or acute physical pain and mental suffering...and requires that the torturer exert physical control over his or her victim. (p. 4–5)”
• “Campbell (2007) adds: ‘The act of torture is carried out for the purpose of physically and psychologically ‘breaking’ an individual’ (p. 633).’”
• “PTSD is the most commonly diagnosed psychological disorder among adult torture victims (Allodi and Cowgill 1982; Herman 1992). In addition to torture, polyvictimization has been recognized to be associated with worse mental health outcomes in child abuse victims (Finkelhor et al. 2011). By definition, all of [the study participants] have suffered polyvictimization as defined by Finkelhor.”

See https://link.springer.com/article/10.1007/s40653-016-0108-x

GRANDFATHER MANDATORY REPORTER

Also, in this fucked up land of fucking crazy shit, I realized that my grandfather, who we saw all the time, was a mandatory reporter THIS WHOLE TIME. He also had a masters in Psychology, so that's extra WTF.

DAD MENTAL HEALTH COUNSELOR

Another wild thing is that my dad just got his masters in counseling (christian counseling ofc) and is now working as a mental health care provider.

CONCLUSION

I was just diagnosed with Chronic PTSD a few weeks ago and have been out of work on treatment ever since.
But basically none of this feels real to me. I find it interesting in a sort of detached way that every time I detail what my childhood was like, they're shocked and appalled. I could see the female detective's eyes tearing up a bit. But I suppose it shouldn't be so surprising. After all, they put my sibling in the psych hospital 3x before the age of 18.
Please let me know what you all think. One of the silver linings on all this is because of my time in the military, I can get a free PTSD service dog which I'm excited for.
But the thing that finally made me realize this should be referred to the police was that one of the counselors in the PTSD program is a former cop and sex crimes investigator and was shocked by this whole thing. So that's my life right now. :)
TLDR: Parents in child abuse cult; did S&M acts on us as kids; police investigating.

TW//Sexual Abuse//Physical Violence
Hi All, I'm a male between ages 20 and 30.
I'm writing this after I drove down to the police station this morning and reported my parents for sex crimes against children, so this is all very fresh in my mind so it will be a long post. Sorry for the weird title, reddit has been flagging and autoremoving this post for some reason.

BACKGROUND: CHILD ABUSE CULT

When I say cult, I don't mean a cult in the sense of David Koresh compound style cult, I mean more so in mindset and fringe religious practices. My parents believed in the doctrine called "mortification of the flesh", which basically states that people are born evil, and to make them not evil, you have to hit them. See https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Discipline_(instrument_of_penance))
My parents are extremist fundamentalist Christians. My dad was basically a pastor, and my mom "home schooled" us. When I say home school, I'm being very generous on the school part. They were part of the Quiverful evangelical home school movement and held to the teachings of people like Jonathan Lindvall, Dough Philips, Tedd Tripp, Mike and Debbie Pearl, Stan and Brenna Jones, and Dennis and Barbra Rainey, among others.
Basically, I have pretty solid proof my parents were using these books on me.

TEACHINGS OF TEDD TRIPP

The teachings of Tedd Tripp are certifiably insane. I'll provide several quotes here from his book, "Shepherding a Child's Heart":

• "Spanking is most effective in dealing with young children. They fear being spanked. The spanking gives weight to your words. The spanking sobers and humbles the child. As children get older they get more stoic about spanking. They learn how to deal with it. The intensity of spanking required to make the same impression on a 12-year-old that you make on a 2-year-old would be excessive.”
• “Remove his drawers so that the spanking is not lost in the padding of his pants.... It is best to lay the child across your lap rather than over a bed or a chair. This puts the spanking in the context of your physical relationship. He is not being removed from you to a neutral object for the purpose of being disciplined.”
• “I have witnessed spankings administered through a double layer of diapers to a child who never stopped moving long enough to know he had been spanked. The spanking was ineffective because the parents never made the rod felt.”
• “When your child is old enough to resist your directives, he is old enough to be disciplined. When he is resisting you, he is disobeying. If you fail to respond, those rebellious responses become entrenched. The longer you put off disciplining, the more intractable the disobedience will become.”
• “Rebellion can be something as simple as a small child struggling against a diaper change or stiffening his body when you want him to sit on your lap. The discipline procedure is the same as that which is laid out above. You have no way of knowing how much a child less than a year old can understand, but we do know that understanding comes long before the ability to articulate. Your temptation will be to wait until your children are speaking and able to articulate their rebellion before you deal with it.”
• “When our oldest child was approximately 8 months old, we were confronted with parenting our first mobile child. He crawled everywhere. We had a bookshelf constructed of boards and bricks. Fearing the shelf would fall on him, Margy told him not to pull himself up by the shelf. After moving him away from the shelf, she left the room. As she peeked in on him, she observed him surveying the room. Not seeing her, he headed back toward the forbidden bookshelf. Here was a young child, not yet able to walk or to talk, looking to see if the coast was clear so he could disobey. Obviously, he was old enough to be disciplined.”
• “After you have spanked, take the child up on your lap and hug him, telling him how much you love him...On some occasions I have had to say to our children: ‘Dear, Daddy has spanked you, but you are not sweet enough yet. We are going to have to go back upstairs for another spanking.’”

Tedd tripp said in an interview on desiringgod.com: “But what is the purpose of it? I think spanking is most effective with younger children. Spanking gets their attention. It gives weight to your words. It humbles them. They want to avoid it. And it becomes very effective, particularly with little children where you can’t really reason with them, and they are not capable of complex reasoning.... So I think that it is indispensable in those early years particularly.” See https://www.desiringgod.org/interviews/why-parents-spank

MIKE AND DEBBIE PEARL:

The book, "To Train Up a Child" is also particularly nasty, and 1994 edition especially so. In the 2015 version, they tried to smooth over some of the more abusive passages because parents were hitting their kids to death and they were using this book.
The book emphasizes the doctrine of the mortification of the flesh, stating:

• “A spanking (whipping, paddling, switching, or belting) is in-dispensable to the removal of guilt in your child. His very conscience (nature) demands punishment.”
• “If God’s love is expressed by the ‘whippings’ He gives, then can we not also love our children enough to chasten them unto holiness?”
• “The very nature of the child makes the rod an indispensable element in child training and discipline....“They go astray as soon as they be born, speaking lies” (Psalm 58:3).”

More messed up stuff includes:

• The opening line of this book states, “SWITCH YOUR KIDS”
• “Training does not necessarily require that the trainee be capable of reason; even mice and rats can be trained to respond to stimuli. Careful training can make a dog perfectly obedient. If a seeing-eye dog can be trained to reliably lead a blind man through the obstacles of a city street, shouldn’t a parent expect more out of an intelligent child? A dog can be trained not to touch a tasty morsel laid in front of him. Can’t a child be trained not to touch?”
• “A dog can be trained to come, stay, sit, be quiet or fetch upon command. You may not have trained your dog that well, yet every day someone accomplishes it on the dumbest mutts. Even a clumsy teenager can be trained to be an effective trainer in a dog obedience school. If you wait until your dog is displaying unacceptable behavior before you rebuke (or kick) him, you will have a foot-shy mutt who is always sulking around seeing what he can get away with before being screamed at.”
• “Where there is an absence of training, you can no more rebuke and whip a child into acceptable behavior than you can the family dog. No amount of discipline can make up for lack of training.”
• “Proper training always works on every child. To neglect training is to create miserable circumstances for yourself and your child. Out of innocent ignorance many of you have bypassed the training and expected the discipline alone to effect proper behavior.”
• “There is much satisfaction in training up a child. It is easy and challenging. When my children were able to crawl (in the case of one, roll) around the room, I set up training sessions. Try it yourself. Place an appealing object where they can reach it, maybe in a ‘No- no’ corner or on an apple juice table (That’s where the coffee table once sat). When they spy it and make a dive for it, in a calm voice say, "No, don’t touch it." They will already be familiar with the ‘No,’ so they will pause, look at you in wonder and then turn around and grab it. Switch their hand once and simultaneously say, ‘No.’”
• “Remember, you are not disciplining, you are training. One spat with a little switch is enough. They will again pull back their hand and consider the relationship between the object, their desire, the command and the little reinforcing pain. It may take several times, but if you are consistent, they will learn to consistently obey, even in your absence.”
• “As the mother, holding her child, leans over the crib and begins the swing downward, the infant stiffens, takes a deep breath and bellows. The battle for control has begun in earnest. Someone is going to be conditioned. Either the tender-hearted mother will cave-in to this self-centered demand (thus training the child to get his way by crying) or the infant is allowed to cry (learning that crying is counterproductive).”

Further evidence of the abusive nature of Mike & Debbie Pearl’s teachings is found in a video clip of Mike Pearl speaking at a seminar, demonstrating with a child doll, where he stated, “I'm gonna get this rod if he screams too hard with the first five [and] gets hysterical... wait... you know a little psychological terror sometimes more effective than the pain.”
See https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wt0QOKbEj7A for a solid video by the channel Fundie Fridays on the Pearls.
Furthermore, Mike Pearl has explicitly justified domestic violence. In the book, “Created to be His Help Meet” by Debbie Pearl, described on the cover page as a guide to “Discover how God can make your marriage glorious”, Mike Pearl writes a section explicitly advocates for women to endure domestic violence:

• “Has your husband reviled you and threatened you? You are exhorted to respond as Jesus did. When he was reviled and threatened, he suffered by committing himself to a higher judge who is righteous. You must commit yourself to the one who placed you under your husband’s command."
• “Your husband will answer to God, and you must answer to God for how you respond to your husband, even when he causes you to suffer. Just as we are to obey government in every ordinance, and servants are to obey their masters, even the ones who are abusive and surly, ‘likewise, ye wives, be in subjection to your own husbands’...”
• “You can freely call your husband ‘lord’ when you know that you are addressing the one who put him in charge and asked you to suffer at your husband’s hands just as our Lord suffered at the hands of unjust authorities...”
• “When you endure evil and railing without returning it, you receive a blessing, not just as a martyr, but as one who worships God.”

The Seattle times actually wrote about the Pearls and their book: https://www.seattletimes.com/seattle-news/did-hanas-parents-train-her-to-death/

• “‘It’s truly an evil book,’ said Michael Ramsey, the district attorney for Butte County, Calif.Ramsey successfully prosecuted Kevin and Elizabeth Schatz for hitting their daughter Lydia to death in Paradise, Calif., in 2006 with a plastic plumbing-supply tube — the kind the Pearls mention in an article on their website called ‘In Defense of Biblical Chastisement.’”
• “In Washington state, the death of Hana Williams marked the third time the Pearls’ names and their book have surfaced after the death of a child....”
• “Pearl encourages parents to think of the switch as a ‘magic wand’ and says teaching a child to obey is like training an animal: ‘A dog can be trained not to touch a tasty morsel laid in front of him. Can’t a child be trained not to touch?’”

JAMES DOBSON & FOCUS ON THE FAMILY

James Dobson is the founder of the religious organization and lobbying group Focus on the Family.
Here's a video of Dobson with Ronald Reagan in the Oval Office of the White House: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4hGZvawO1V8
The first chapter of his book, the New Strong Willed Child, describes Dobson beating his dog:
“He was a stubborn, twelve-pound dachshund named Sigmund Freud (Siggie), who honestly believed that he owned the place.... On the night of our great battle, I told Sigmund to leave his warm seat and go to bed. Instead, he flattened his ears and slowly turned his head toward me.... That was Siggie’s way of saying, “Get lost!”
I had seen this defiant mood before and knew that I had to deal with it. The only way to make Siggie obey was to threaten him with destruction. Nothing else worked. I turned and went to my closet and got a small belt to help me “reason” with ’ol Sig. My wife, who was watching this drama unfold, told me that as soon as I left the room, Siggie jumped from his perch and looked down the hall to see where I had gone. Then he got behind her and growled....
When I returned, I held up the belt and again told the angry dog to get into his bed. He stood his ground so I gave him a firm swat across the rear end, and he tried to bite the belt. I popped him again and he tried to bite me. What developed next is impossible to describe.
That tiny dog and I had the most vicious fight ever staged between man and beast. I fought him up one wall and down the other, with both of us scratching and clawing and growling. I am still embarrassed by the memory of the entire scene. Inch by inch I moved him toward the family room and his bed...
This is not a book about the discipline of dogs. But there is an important aspect of my story that is highly relevant to the world of children. Just as surely as a dog will occasionally challenge the authority of his leaders, a child is inclined to do the same thing, only more so.”

JONATHAN LINDVALL & BOLD CHRISTIAN PARENTING

My parents would play tapes of Jonathan Lindvall when we went on road trips. He advocated for a radical evangelical homeschool lifestyle, social isolation of children from other “worldly” children, having as many children as possible regardless of financial means, explicitly denounced the socialization of children, and stated that children’s education should focus primarily on the Bible.
I couldn't find the actual tapes they played but I found his old website: https://web.archive.org/web/20120829030118/http://boldchristianliving.com/
Some outstanding bits include:

• “We all want our children to have the skills and disciplines to provide for their familiessome day. But job preparation is similarly not worthy as a primary goal of homeschooling. Jesus explicitly warned us not to be concerned with how our food and clothing are supplied (Matt. 6:19-34). This, in fact, is the context in which he called us to ‘seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness.’”
• “There are many desirable, God-pleasing results likely to come from our obedience to God in choosing to personally disciple our children. But no matter how good they are, if they are the focus, rather than our aim being to bring Jesus pleasure, they can become idols for us. Many homeschoolers have become enamored with the vision of the long-term societal (political/economic) impact our practices can have. May the Lord bring all this about, but may our hearts be set on Him more than on the impact we can have.”
• “Another objection virtually every homeschooler in western society has been confronted by is the ‘socialization’ question. In our society is assumed to be essential for children to spend time with peers to be properly adjusted. Yet the preponderance of scripture cautions from the opposite perspective. Proverbs 12:26 warns, ‘The righteous should choose his friends carefully, For the way of the wicked leads them astray.’ Proverbs 13:20 is even more pointed, saying, ‘He who walks with wise men will be wise, But the companion of fools will be destroyed.’ Paul was apparently quoting an accepted proverb at the time when he wrote, ‘Do not be deceived: ‘Evil company corrupts good habits’’ (1 Cor. 15:33).”
• “No doubt the Lord wants our children to learn to benefit from edifying fellowship, just as He wants this for us. However, positive social skills are generally not learned from children. God intends for fathers (not peers) to shape their children’s values and tendencies ‘in the training and admonition of the Lord’ (Eph. 6:4). This requires protecting our children from peer domination, and instead structuring our family lifestyles to facilitate intense, intimate relationship between our children and ourselves.”
• “Sadly, perhaps as a result of the world’s challenges regarding ‘socialization,’ many homeschoolers feel pressure to provide settings where their children can spend large amounts of time with peers. Thus, over the years we have seen homeschool support groups move from supporting the parents to supporting the children with extra-familial activities like sports teams, group music experiences, and cooperative classes. There are probably times when it is appropriate to expose our families to teaching situations where the parents are not necessarily doing all the teaching, but it is a significant danger to fall into the habit of exposing our children to the addictive peer group influences.” • “Virtually every homeschool parent will easily identify the most frequently asked question about their homeschooling as, ‘What about socialization?’ When people ask this question, what are they wondering about? Are they worried that our children will not be capable of displaying lifelong servanthood for the glory of God? Generally not. They are shocked that we are not intimidated at the thought of our children being different from everyone else.” • “Socialism is the attempt to equalize everyone--make everyone alike. But God didn't make us alike. He made each of us, including our children, to be unique. And we are not to minimize, but maximize our distinctives for the glory of God. We are not to try to mask our uniqueness beneath a facade of timid conformity. We are to SHINE! Jesus said (Mat 5:16), ‘Let your light so shine before men, that they may see your good works and glorify your Father in heaven.’”

STAN AND BRENNA JONES

First of all, here's a photo of the author: https://www.christiansexed.com/about-the-authors/
Their book, “What’s the Big Deal: Why God cares about sex” identifies as a christian sex education book for children as young as age 8. The cover of the book states, “Ages 8-12”.
The book states in the introduction, “We believe that God means for Christian parents to be their children’s primary sex educators. First messages are the most powerful-why wait until your child hears distorted views and then try to correct the misunderstanding? Sexuality is a beautiful gift-why not present it to your child the way God intended?”.
This book contains passages explicitly describing:

• How pleasurable sex is;
• The location and pleasurability of the clitoris;
• The sensitivity of the penis to pleasure
• What porn is and where it's found
• What rape porn is
• What sex slavery is
• Explicit descriptions of orgasms, including describing them as a sudden burst of pleasure

My dad read me this book when I was 8, 3rd grade.
TEDD TRIPP & BDSM P0RN SITES
What really got me thinking about this was the fact that in my state, the statute of limitations to sue in civil court for assault and battery was up, however the statute of limitations on sexual abuse was not.
So obviously all of this stuff is pretty messed up. But what takes it to the next level of messed up and makes what they did a sex crime (I'm hoping the DA sees it the same way), is when you really look at what Tedd Tripp advocates parents do to their children:
“Remove his drawers so that the spanking is not lost in the padding of his pants.... It is best to lay the child across your lap rather than over a bed or a chair. This puts the spanking in the context of your physical relationship. He is not being removed from you to a neutral object for the purpose of being disciplined.”
Which basically means:

• Take off the child's clothes
• Place them on your lap, fully or partially naked
• Strike them with what could legally be classified as a deadly weapon

So I started thinking about how spanking is a BDSM kink and fetish. Which was weird to think about in the context of what your parents did to you.
Then I thought, well damn there are tons of BDSM p0rn sites, there have to be some with what happened to me on there. It turns out that there are TONS of videos of exactly this on sites such as p0rnhub and heavy fetish .com.
For example:

• “Hard belt spanking for cheating” (porn hub)
• “Spanked to Tears with the Bathbrush - Real Tears for Letting Him Down” (porn hub)
• “Hard paddle spanking in the principal's office” (porn hub)
• “SPANK CHINA - Hua’s first spanking session”, (heavy fetish)
• "Spanking Jane" (heavy fetish)

I tried putting the links in but reddit flagged my post so if you’re really curious just search by title and website
These videos appear on the same site as stuff like real hardcore BDSM stuff like electrocution torture and people in cages, tied in the air and having their genitals electrocuted. Basically real torture like in this video: "WIRED PUSSY - Sandra Romain andSara Scott" (heavy fetish)
And then you realize, "oh, if they filmed what they did, it would be child p0rn_".
18 U.S. Code § 2256:

1. ‘child porn0graphy’ means any visual depiction, including any photograph, film, video, picture, or computer or computer-generated image or picture, whether made or produced by electronic, mechanical, or other means, of sexually explicit conduct, where- the production of such visual depiction involves the use of a minor engaging in sexually explicit conduct; such visual depiction is a digital image, computer image, or computer-generated image that is, or is indistinguishable from, that of a minor engaging in sexually explicit conduct; or such visual depiction has been created, adapted, or modified to appear that an identifiable minor is engaging in sexually explicit conduct.”
2. sexually explicit conduct” means actual or simulated—
   1. sexual intercourse, including genital-genital, oral-genital, anal-genital, or oral-anal, whether between persons of the same or opposite sex;
   2. bestiality;
   3. masturbation;
   4. sadistic or masochistic abuse; or
   5. lascivious exhibition of the anus, genitals, or pubic area of any person;

TORTURE

The next shoe to drop was when I read the legal definitions of torture. Torture is defined as “the infliction of intense pain (as from burning, crushing, or wounding) to punish, coerce, or afford sadistic pleasure”. -Merriam Webster
The U.N. Convention against Torture and Other Cruel, Inhuman or Degrading Treatment or Punishment says:
“For the purposes of this Convention, the term ‘torture’ means any act by which severe pain or suffering, whether physical or mental, is intentionally inflicted on a person for such purposes as obtaining from him or a third person information or a confession, punishing him for an act he or a third person has committed or is suspected of having committed, or intimidating or coercing him or a third person, or for any reason based on discrimination of any kind, when such pain or suffering is inflicted by or at the instigation of or with the consent or acquiescence of a public official or other person acting in an official capacity.”
The U.S. Federal torture 18 U.S. Code § 2340 says,
"'torture' means an act committed by a person acting under the color of law specifically intended to inflict severe physical or mental pain or suffering (other than pain or suffering incidental to lawful sanctions) upon another person within his custody or physical control"
The study “Child Torture as a Form of Child Abuse” from University of Wisconsin School ofMedicine and appearing in the Journal of Child & Adolescent Trauma states:

1. "Child torture is defined medically as...At least two physical assaults, occurring over at least two incidents or a single extended incident, which would cause prolonged physical pain, emotional distress, bodily injury, or death... And...
2. At least two elements of psychological abuse such as isolation, intimidation, emotional/psychological maltreatment, terrorizing, spurning, or deprivation...
3. Inflicted by the child’s caretaker(s)”

It also says:

• “Stover and Nightingale (1985) state: The purpose of torture is to break the will of thevictim and ultimately to break his or her humanity...through infliction of severe or acute physical pain and mental suffering...and requires that the torturer exert physical control over his or her victim. (p. 4–5)”
• “Campbell (2007) adds: ‘The act of torture is carried out for the purpose of physically and psychologically ‘breaking’ an individual’ (p. 633).’”
• “PTSD is the most commonly diagnosed psychological disorder among adult torture victims (Allodi and Cowgill 1982; Herman 1992). In addition to torture, polyvictimization has been recognized to be associated with worse mental health outcomes in child abuse victims (Finkelhor et al. 2011). By definition, all of [the study participants] have suffered polyvictimization as defined by Finkelhor.”

See https://link.springer.com/article/10.1007/s40653-016-0108-x

GRANDFATHER MANDATORY REPORTER

Also, in this fucked up land of fucking crazy shit, I realized that my grandfather, who we saw all the time, was a mandatory reporter THIS WHOLE TIME. He also had a masters in Psychology, so that's extra WTF.

CONCLUSION

I was just diagnosed with Chronic PTSD a few weeks ago and have been out of work on treatment ever since.
But basically none of this feels real to me. I find it interesting in a sort of detached way that every time I detail what my childhood was like, they're shocked and appalled. I could see the female detective's eyes tearing up a bit. But I suppose it shouldn't be so surprising. After all, they put my sibling in the psych hospital 3x before the age of 18.
Please let me know what you all think. One of the silver linings on all this is because of my time in the military, I can get a free PTSD service dog which I'm excited for.
But the thing that finally made me realize this should be referred to the police was that one of the counselors in the PTSD program is a former cop and sex crimes investigator and was shocked by this whole thing. So that's my life right now. :)
TLDR: Parents in child abuse cult; did S&M acts on us as kids; police investigating.
EDIT: Also forgot to mention my dad is doing a masters in counseling and working as a mental health therapist.

I came on here just to say that I'm sorry, I'm sorry for not loving you better, not being more tender and caring to you, nothing about your mental state and how things might affect you. I truly sorry I know you've been through a lot and I wish I could have been better. I wish I could have seen this all then. I wish nothing more than to talk to you to tell you I love you and to show you. I tried very hard to show you I'm trying to show you the man you've been dying to see that one that was more gentle and loving more complete. I missed you in my life, I feel every second of your absence. It fills me with sadness that I can't find a way to say to what's in my heart. The dreams of us and our spark. I wish I could take all that hurt and pain away and hold you, let you cry in my arms tonight. I didn't mean to do more damage just trying to heal it I was trying understand. I guess in my ignorance I have hurt you I'm sorry for that I didn't mean to. I hope you see one day how much I love you that I would have forgiven you anything. It's not your body or your sex that I love so much it's an inner light and when it shines it brightens the whole world up. You're an amazing person sweet and gentle smart and beautiful, your humor has no rival. I'll miss our late night talks, I'll miss our TV shows, I miss cuddling you and our late night snacks, I'll miss hearing you sing when you're busy you don't know I'm listening. Your voice is the most beautiful thing I've ever heard I wish I could have heard it once more I guess that just wasn't in store. I miss the look you gave my daughter, I miss how much a little girl shines how much she craves you all the time. I miss your girls giggle and smile, I'll miss sitting and playing dinosaurs, I miss her hugs they are full of healy. I miss the way that you look at me a full of love for all eternity I'll miss the way you spoke to me softly. I miss my best friend who I could talk to she gave me great advice she always had my best interest in mind. I miss you being there when I'm messing up so you can guide me back to the path, there's so many things I'm missing cherish so many hope and dreams not finished. I hope you find everything you're looking for. I hope you find that healing and more. I hope you find that wonderful piece that happiness that will never cease. I wish this for you my love I wish it with all my pray I send above. I cannot handle The madness of the silence it's breaking me down mentally and I can't handle it. I wish you could have heard that in everything I said, maybe I could have shown up better for you if you had. Please understand I do not blame you, you're going through it and I wish I could be there for you through it. Whatever reason you pick me as an enemy, I never wanted that I just wanted to make you happy. I don't know how we got lost this far so far from our path and so many scars. But I hope you're able to find your way I'll leave a light on for you I hope it'll help you find your way from that torture. I doubt that you'll ever speak to me I don't even know if you still love me. I'm here if you want to reach out but I cannot handle more mind games in doubt. I need something substantial for my mentality to grasp to. I want to hear everything you've got to say I want to hold you and us pray. Pray for God shining light pray that he enter into our lives. I know that's just a fantasy but it sounded real good a miracle to me. I hope you find your way my love, with the cloak and dagger I can have no more part of. It's not very healthy for either one of us mentally. I think what we would benefit most from is sitting and talking and being able to have understanding empathy for one another love and respect and understanding that this is a two-lane road to travel I'm here willing to listen and when you are done that means I get a turn there is no more just one. If that is beyond you if that is not what you want to build goodbye my love I hope your dreams are fulfilled. - j -

I posted about this some time ago in another sub when I couldn't sleep because of the stress. Two months later and I feel like my life has only become worse. I'll copy paste my previous post down below but tl;dr= I was horribly sexually abused as a child and every single romantic relationship I've had with women since then has gone to shit because of it.
I quit hooking up with my "fwb"-friends a couple of months ago thinking that perhaps it's time to give dating another shot. So I did, via a friend of mine I met this one girl and we went on four dates. It clicked between us instantly, we even shared some interests, mostly working out and playing chess. She's also the most beautiful person I've ever seen, with green eyes, an extremely pale skin tone and dark black hair. Anyway so it was all perfect, almost too good to be true. Everything was fine up until last week when she called me while I was at work, saying that she had something we needed to discuss. So after work I made my way to hers, thinking that it'd something insignificant. As I was taking off my jacket she asked me if I was hiding something from her. I didn't know what to think, I never cheated once in my life so I quickly brushed it off and told her no. That's when she brought up my past, going all like "Why didn't you tell me up front about this etc etc" I didn't hear half of it because of badly my head started spinning. By the end she was in tears and I felt like dying right there on the spot. I didn't even get to say anything before she told me to leave. Of course I tried to calm her down but she was so adamant about it that I just left, not wanting to escalate things further. My jacket is still at her place.
I didn't even get to ask her how she found out about it but since I'm still in the process of getting my last name changed she must've heard about it online. As I write this, the first thing that pops up on google when you look up my irl name are articles about the trial and (archived) "XY female caught abusing XY male/student/child" discussion threads of forums where my name is mentioned on every other page. It's been almost a week now since we talked irl/via text and honestly I don't know what to make of it. I'm sure she's got her reasons for getting mad at me for not being totally open about some aspects of my life but I don't see how it's anything to fuck a good thing we had going, this "relationship" of ours, over for. How am I the "bad guy" here? Am I really supposed to open up about it to any girl I get involved on our first date? Like "Hey, I hope you had a good time just now but before I drive you back to your place I think you ought to know that as a kid I was sexually abused in every way you can imagine for years on end by older women and my sister. Anyhow, how about a second date!?"
I'm fighting for my life here. I genuinely can't believe that I'm about to turn 27 and that the one thing time upon time I fail to manage is a romantic relationship with another person. Is this really what I'm supposed to continue doing for the rest of my life? I mean, going back to hooking up with random girls and getting involved with fwb-relationships until I pass away in my sleep? Why is it that I'm essentially labeled undateable and unlovable because of my childhood? Could I please for once in my life catch a break? I wish there was a dating app for "broken" people, maybe then I'd find someone. I want to love someone, take care of them, change their clothes when they've been sick in bed all day, carry them to the shower and wash them clean, rub my hands through their hair as I dry them off. I'm this close to giving up forever.

I was raped and sexually abused by multiple women including my older sister for years on end throughout my childhood (from the age of 8 to 16) and ever since then I've had issues being intimate with women or just being around them in general. I don't know how to trust them, they're almost alien to me. I'm from a pretty small town (not America) and the newspapers were all over the incident when the story got out of my abuse. None of them ever revealed my name but the names of the suspects made it almost too easy to put two and two together. It's so bad that when you google my real life name the first hits are links to comment sections of news sites where my name is mentioned all over the place. Anyone with a brain could dig up my past and forever change their perception of me, and there's pretty much nothing I can do about it.
My mother died when I was an infant and I've never been close whatsoever with my stepmother either so I also missed out on the "motherly love". Most if not all experiences with women have always been sexual. I wish I could get over my "trauma", that's what my therapist and the support group I was in used to call it but I don't think it's the right word for it. I just think there's just something wrong with my brain.
I'm 26 now and I don't think I've ever hugged a woman, besides my sister, or even held hands with one. Getting laid or having sex isn't the issue, as I used to have a sex addiction up until last summer which I had picked up as a desperate attempt to cope with my past. Neither watching porn or masturbation were an option, to be frank I don't think I've ever looked up porn by myself it just never did anything for me, so what I did was just sleep around a lot with random girls whose names nor faces I can't recall. Last year I joined my local Sex Addiction Anonymous group which helped me kick that habit. Since then I've only slept with 2 or 3 girls, all three of them being friends-with-benefits type deals. So sex for me has always been "loveless", just flesh on flesh for the sake of getting off.
My last friends-with-benefits hook-up abruptly ended the other day, after the girl I was sleeping with found out about my past through friends of hers, and she decided she didn't want to "be" with someone with that "kind of baggage". I don't blame her one bit but it stings. I feel hopeless.
I just want to get better. Sex and relationships aside I do fine in real life, I'm fit, clean-cut and above average looks wise (according to women), own my own place and everything but I'm not sure what's even the point of it all, I mean in keeping my life in order etc. All I do is work, and when I get home I go to the gym and then stare at my wall before I go back to bed. I've no interest in any real hobbies, I don't even read books or watch movies anymore.
I don't think I'm a mean-spirited person either but lately I've been so envious of my friends who are in loving relationships and close with their significant others. I want to be normal, I want to feel like a normal person. Instead I'm this "broken" thing that, I don't even know anymore, the fact that I'm doing as well as I'm doing right now I mean financially and academically doesn't feel right. I cry myself to sleep more often than not because of how much I hate myself. I feel like I'm beyond repair and the worst thing of it all is that I blame myself for all the abuse I went through. All my younger siblings are married and some even with kids and it kills me when I'm back home for Christmas etc and my father or aunts etc jokingly ask me "hah wouldn't it be time for you to settle down, too?".
I wish I had someone I could go home to and who would hold me. I've only ever had that with my sister who would hug me after we had sex and run her fingers through my hair and just thinking back makes me tear up. I stopped going to the support group I mentioned earlier because some of the people there thought it was odd for me to miss certain aspects of the abuse. I just don't want to be alone anymore, I'm sick and tired of having meaningless sex like some animal. I want to love and be loved. The only person I would say I truly love is my sister who I'm still in touch with, Hell she might just be one of the few women whose number I've got saved that isn't either a booty call or a colleague from work. I love her with all my heart despite everything she did to me but I just wish I could find someone else I could love as much as I love her. I don't know how to cope anymore with being this unlovable. I hate being constantly dumped because of what happened a decade ago. I would kill to be in a normal boring relationship. I've never had any suicidal tendencies, never fantasized it about it either like most abused people would but at this point I feel like not being alive would be a better existence than the one I'm living right now. I will probably be the way I am right now until I eventually die of old age, I just wish I could leave this world with a wife and (grand) children by my side.