TW: mentions of suicide, self harm, brief mentions of physical, mental and child abuse along with a few other things that might trigger people.
I, (13-15 female) have a small group of friends. (All around 13-15, mainly female) But there has been some major drama in our friend group and I need advice on what to do.
I've had this friend who we'll call Sam. Sam and I have know each other since we were around 6 yrs old. We met in YeaPrimary 2. (For all the people not from the UK, that would be 1st grade)
We have known each other from then all the way until now. But this is when the drama starts.
For context, My group of friends has 4 people in it. (Including me) and one of these friends, who I'll call Rich, wanted to meet sam. But since Rich lives at least 4 hours away from us, I decided to set up an online game for us to play and for Sam and Rich to get to know each other and ask each other questions.
Sometime into the game I get a private message from Sam.
That's when Sam told me she had a crush on Rich. (We were less then 10 minutes into the game aka less then 10 minutes knowing each other) And she asked if she should tell him. I was (mostly) happy for my friend as she hasnt dated for a few years and told her to shoot her shot. And turns out, Rich liked Sam back. So they started dating.
BTW, Sam had just ghosted someone she dated online and did role-plays with, a few days before this happened. (Keep this in mind)
So some background, our entire group of friends play online role-playing games (In a private server) since we all like being able to make role-plays and storylines, except Sam. (She can be really picky)
This is how Sam and Rich basically went on dates. They also invited me to join them sometimes so they had someone else to play the "extra characters" in their role-plays. Their role-plays mostly consisted of guy x guy, mafia bosses and the typical cringe gacha storylines from 2018. I hated the 'maifa guy buys a slave' type tropes they did but I did it with them anyway because Sam always ended up getting mad and ignoring me if I said no or suggested something different.
This whole role-playing thing went on for a few months. That's when I saw Sam online with Mike. (Mike is the name of the person Sam dated online before Rich, I was friends with Mike and still was at the time despite their break up) I decided to join them and see what they were doing on a server together. (Sam had told me and Rich several times that she hated Mike and she always said he was a "alpha bad boy wannbe")
Once I joined I looked in the chat I saw a bunch of messages like Kisses softly (From Mike) and "You're sexy~" (From Sam) I was extremely confused and decided to ask Sam about this later when she wasn't on the server. She said something along the lines of "I was joking around, I never actually broke up with Mike 🤣".
So I was extremely confused and asked Rich if he knew about this.
That's where it all went to shit afterwards. (Don't worry, it gets worse)
To give a short rundown since this post is already long, Sam was cheating on Mike with Rich while also cheating on Rich with Mike as they both though that Sam dated them and had blocked the other person. When Rich 1st confronted her she said they were in a polyamous relationship. (They were not) This kept happening until eventually Mike blocked everyone (Except me) and really didn't talk to any of us. (Or so I thought.)
I always thought that Rich and Sam shouldn't be dating but I stayed out of it because Sam is the only friend I can really talk to and hang out with, without feeling anxious.
Then I found out that Sam was cheating on Rich AGAIN with a girl from her class called Jaime. Then she cheated AGAIN with a girl from my class who I'll call Autumn.
So not only did Sam cheat on Rich with 3 different people. She did it SEVERAL TIMES WITH THOSE PEOPLE.
I eventually distanced myself from the group as a whole. (I also was in hospital which helped me to ignore all of the drama as I was recovering from surgery)
That's when I found a message in the group chat. (The group chat had me, Sam, Jaime and one of Sam's friends in it as well) The message said "Imagine if Rich knew about you dating me and Autumn 🤣💀" from Jaime.
I told Rich literally everything including screenshots and evidence I had. He didn't believe me until he asked Sam which to that she laughed about it and told him that her adhd made her do bad things. Rich then went into a major depressive episode and he wouldn't respond at all to anyone.
Rich even cut himself and attempted suicide. (He has home issues and several mental illnesses, which Sam knew of) Thankfully he survived.
But here's the thing, Sam and Rich GOT BACK TOGETHER AFTER WHAT HAPPENED.
I was absolutely fucking horrified by this as it seemed to be a severely toxic and maybe even abusive relationship (Psychologically) since Rich had Bipolar and Sam used to blame him for acting weird and blamed him for her cheating.
Here's where I think I became the asshole.
I made a throwaway account and took screenshots of everything and sent them to Jaime, Autumn, Rich, our group of friends and basically everyone who knew of the drama. Which included most of the school. (And even random people from other school that knew some of the gossip)
Then it got revealed that Sam had ONLINE SEX WITH MIKE AND RICH WHILE SAM WAS DATING BOTH OF THEM AND AFTER MIKE SUPPOSEDLY BLOCKED HER!!
And then it turns out that Sam, who is bisexual, called Richs gay BFF( I'll call him Matt) a gay bastard and the F-slur. TWICE.
Ans then it turns out, after Sam had cheated on Rich the first or second time, Rich started DATING MATT AND THEY ONLY BROKE UP BECAUSE RICH FELT GUILTY.
Then Sam and Rich got into a massive fight which lead to Rich attempting suicide again. Sam said, and i quote, "womp womp🙄" when told about Richs second sucide attempt and also then Rich told her that his cat had died.
They then broke up and he blocked her on everything.
I felt horrible. I felt like I shouldn't of told everyone what Sam did and I shouldn't of put myself into their relationship..
I felt really depressed and guilty and I thought (and still do) that it was all my fault..
I honestly think I'm the asshole and I shouldn't of done anything considering I don't have any dating experience at all and I don't have any of the disorders Sam or Rich has...
But I've always been told to get a second opinion on everything so I wanted to ask Reddit. (Not the most logical way to do it but I'm desperate af)
So Reddit, AITAH?
I'm sorry if the spelling or wording is off, I'm writing this at 3:13 am and I have school at 8:30. But I am desperate to hear someone else's opinion on this as I feel i am going insane. I'll try and answer any questions as best as I can.
(Ps. Sam has dyslexia and supposedly has adhd as well which she uses as an excuse for why she cheated and blamed Rich. She also used the excuse that her home life is terrible. Which it is. Rich has autism, adhd, bipolar, lack of awareness and is physically and metally abused by his parents. And before I forget, my mother was walking home from work one night and saw Sam HITTING her MOTHER with a stick and laughing about it)
I will honestly appreciate ANY help or opinion given on my situation..

I was reading some summarized medical notes from childhood just for kicks and giggles and man, talk about really seeing some of the ableism. I knew what I was in for since I had recently requested later records, so for this one I opted to just get abstract summaries. I had no particular motivation in getting these records other than a strong idle curiosity. I now have a few connected diagnoses, you know the ones, POTS/EDS, allergies, asthma, and also narcolepsy is thrown in there just for fun. Plus the occasional eczema flare up and recurring headaches that never stay on my chart.
I think some small part of me hoped that the notes from my pediatric time would show doctors who cared but couldn’t figure out the problem. With the records I found from my high school years, that tiny hope was quashed without a bit of surprise.
When I was a kid, we’d been in and out for years between headaches and abdominal pain. Lots of the abstracts imply my mom is somehow at fault for bringing me in but oh this one section just made me put my phone down. I was 9 at the time of this visit, just for context. Cynicism was clear in the notes that I was being coached on describing my headaches because I sometimes looked to my mother to help me explain or give details on symptoms of my severe headaches, specifically the possible auras. Probably because I was in too much pain at the time to code the memories properly and also I was barely 9, of course I was going to check with my mom.
Multiple notes reference me watching TV or reading or listening to soothing music “despite” my headaches and idk maybe I did but I also know I had a lot of times I laid in the bathroom because it was the only quiet and dark place.
Apparently abdominal migraines are a thing and even when one of the medical professionals said that seemed to be part of my problems, the sheer skepticism oozing from these notes…I have to laugh so I don’t get angry. It 100% sounds like my symptoms were worsened by my anxiety/depression but my mom brought me into the office during one and I was clearly suffering, that wasn’t “just” psychosomatic. Also, luckily, I outgrew the abdominal migraines.
I also had an essential tremor (now treated perhaps thanks to my POTS beta blocker) worsened by anxiety and I acknowledge it was worsened by anxiety, that doesn’t mean caused by anxiety ffs. That issue came up later, in the previous set of requested records. Also we kept bringing it up with doctors because my teachers were commenting to us on it out of concern.
Back to the records I just got though. Multiple instances occurred where we got blamed by one specialist for trusting another. Example: with the GI issues, one person told us maybe it was lactose intolerance. Another person down the line would take notes like we were hypochondriacs for saying “person 1 said maybe there’s lactose intolerance, maybe that’s part of it? We were told to track if symptoms were worse after milk. They didn’t seem to be but maybe?” The test for it later came back negative and the notes sound so high and mighty that again, it’s laughable.
Also the amount of “in no acute distress” despite coming in for complaints of pain, etc. I’m not surprised but I am somehow still disappointed.
Mom did get anxious about my health sometimes, seems she tried to keep me away from milk for a bit just in case. I also do believe there were some things where she brought me in unnecessarily but the poor woman was an anxious first time parent. I fault her for lots of other things but not being overly worried about my health to doctors who kept dismissing everything. Plus, I’ve always been extremely sensitive to physical stimuli and imagine I was deeply unpleasant when dealing with that discomfort while learning how to be a human.
On a more lighthearted note, apparently I took a prescription of belladonna for a while, I didn’t even know that was a thing but it was a fun Google rabbit hole to go down. I guess I also played soccer when I was in 3rd grade, which was news to me! I don’t doubt it, I just didn’t remember I’d played it.
I’m not genuinely distressed, like I said, I expected the ableism. Mostly I’m just satisfied to have my curiosity largely sated and a better timeline of certain things in my own life. As sad as it is, I can’t help laughing that multiple grown ass adults with medical degrees seemed to have one-sided beef with prepubescent me. Why even go into pediatrics, especially a pediatric specialty like urology, cardiology, etc.? (Rhetorical question)

DO NOT READ if you want to discover things for yourself. I suspect this may be a plot point in 2.3
There is quite a few things that are very random and yet unexplained in 2.0-2.2 story. There is a commonality between them.
Tiernan was ambushed by the Swarm near Penacony. But.. why is there Swarm in Asdana? Where are they hiding?
https://preview.redd.it/s2nttwq0ja0d1.png?width=1280&format=png&auto=webp&s=bd51bef9207dbd6cc30b8022928f77a69378774e
Razalina's story has the following "Towards the end of the War of Independence, she piloted a shuttle alone into the Memory Zone in search of secrets about the Primordial Dreamscape. She was never heard from again". Suspicious. Tiernan & Mikhail both had VAs, maybe we'll hear from her in the future?
Why is Argenti in Penacony? Last time he showed up, it was to deal with the Swarm and the story was about hallucinations caused by the bugs (referred to as "inharmonious pitch"). That story was kinda random and out of context with the entire Trailblaze quest. Unless... Oh wait, he is here again in Penacony for no reason whatsoever?
https://preview.redd.it/gv0em0cjga0d1.png?width=1920&format=png&auto=webp&s=2c704ec36f7b5b2ad156879919eaf6237b0d953a
Furthermore, Argenti's quest, Ruan Mei's quest, Swarm disaster, all about the Swarm, all right before Penacony seems... coincidental
In 2.0, in Sampo/Sparkle's Belobog dreamscape, we run into a Swarm bug hidden in a trashcan. Then Sampo starts bombing the f out of all the trashcans. Why would they bother introducing something so random? The swarm never even appeared in the main story before. In fact, wtf was the point of that dream to begin with? Unless... Sparkle was trying to tell us something
https://preview.redd.it/v1pxz1emia0d1.png?width=1920&format=png&auto=webp&s=2738a8b1fae72d042a7d0eff646f9183c3f27be8
https://preview.redd.it/wxm28txfea0d1.png?width=1280&format=png&auto=webp&s=96e059a7f7ef50c0a467544754db979bac060742
Then Sparkle starts handing out bombs left and right no reason whatsoever. Why?
Sunday said something along the lines of "it is not you who manipulates the Stellaron, but.." to the "Dreammaster", who told him to "No more questions". And then hundreds of raven corpses lie on the ground. What was this about? Why is "Dreammaster" in quotes. Why hundreds of ravens, not just one (sign of self-propagation)
https://preview.redd.it/br02qo9pla0d1.png?width=1280&format=png&auto=webp&s=92612d42375e7c998b8b27249f70b5a118e9049e
Forces of Preservation, Elation, Glamoth's Iron Cavalry, Order, Harmony, Trailblaze are all gathered on Penacony. Is it truely to deal with just Sunday and a Stellaron? When was the last time exactly these Aeons gathered from across the cosmos to deal with a crisis: The Swarm Disaster
Finally, more realistically speaking, 2.3 is Firefly's banner. What better way than to go out in a blaze of glory (3rd death) against the Swarm to end her story of Sam and begin her story as Firefly? (also this hypothesis gives Sunday an opportunity to redeem himself, which Hoyo likes to do for potential future banner characters)
tl;dr: The Swarm was the mastermind who brought the Stellaron to Penacony, hoping to hide within the Harmony/Order and absorb dream as power for rebirth.

Me (17 F) and my ex-boyfriend (17 M) have been apart for almost exactly a year. He broke up with me May 7th, 2023. We were together for three years and we began dating in middle school at the end of 7th grade year. It was good until it wasn’t. He had a girl best friend (17 F, 15 F at the time) who went against my trust every chance she got. She would do the average “pick me” girl tactics on him and he didn’t really seem to pick up on them despite me expressing my concerns. One day she went too far and added me and my ex-boyfriend to a private snapchat story with roughly 200-300 people in it. There, she posted a bikini photo where everything was showing except for her nipples and butthole. When I say everything—I mean everything. Now, I know he saw this photo because I had his Snapchat login. We both had each others passwords, but it didn’t really matter for him because he wasn’t allowed to have any social media apps other than Snapchat. Anyway, he had seen the photo hours before I did and when I confronted him about it he said “I saw it and clicked away because I saw that it wasn’t you, so I didn’t want to see it”. Right. So after that entire thing went down, his friend group resented me and said I “didn’t want my ex and this girl to be friends only based on the idea of my ex having female friends”. I didn’t care if he had female friends, I cared that his only female friend was putting her ‘nudes’ on display for him. When we broke up, he ghosted me for 3 days before sending me a lengthy text that can be summed up to: “I lost my spark with you a year ago when I couldn’t be friends with her. We don’t work anymore, you’re too dictatorial. I’ve talked to my family and they’ve told me that I’m not totally crazy for thinking this way.” Some extra context: he’s in love with his mom, and she’s in love with him. She keeps his foreskin in a bag in their basement. At one point his mom started ignoring me after I asked for shelter from my abusive father who was threatening to go against my restraining order and come to my new house (which they refused to give me). I also guarantee she could hear my ex-boyfriend SA-ing me in his room—his house wasn’t big enough for that to be private. Even after all of that, I think about him. I don’t understand why and I want it to stop. It’s been a year, how much longer do I have to wait it out? I have a new boyfriend who I love very much. It’s not fair to him.

Wordle 1060 3/6* Grade: A− (91%)

Guess	Result	Words Left	Answers Left	Skill	Luck	Info Gained	Grade
SOARE	🟨⬛🟩⬛⬛	174	14	83	84	67%	C−
CLASH	⬛⬛🟩🟩⬛	12	2	99	50	91%	C
AMASS	🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩	Win!	—	99	74	100%	A+

https://gradle.app/#SN65wEugPpI7pQvo
Wordlescope's guide animal: Hellbender Salamander
🏆 Golfle 1060: Birdie 🐥
🏌️‍♂️ ⏝◦ ⏝◦ ⏝◦ ⛳️
🟡⚪️🟢⚪️⚪️ ⚪️⚪️🟢🟢⚪️ 🟢🟢🟢🟢🟢
https://wordle.golf
Ongoing Golfle score (Par = 4 guesses):

Time Period	Number of "Holes"	Score
March 2024	31	−21
April 2024	30	−24
May 2024	14	−12

What would Scoredle do?
Wordle 1060 3/6* Grade: A (94%)

Guess	Result	Words Left	Answers Left	Grade
SLATE	🟨⬛🟩⬛⬛	183	13	C−
CRASS	⬛⬛🟩🟩🟩	4	1	A−
AMASS	🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩	Win!	—	A+

https://gradle.app/#SN65uwHvbk6ISYHE
What would WordleBot do?
Regular mode analysis: Wordle 1060 4/6 Grade: B (86%)

Guess	Result	Words Left	Answers Left	Grade
CRANE	⬛⬛🟩⬛⬛	376	49	D−
SPILT	🟨⬛⬛⬛⬛	44	3	F
AWASH	🟩⬛🟩🟩⬛	2	1	A
AMASS	🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩	Win!	—	A+

https://gradle.app/#20qcyW8YhSVhbWOBpakbU
Hard mode analysis: Wordle 1060 3/6* Grade: B (86%)

Guess	Result	Words Left	Answers Left	Grade
PLATE	⬛⬛🟩⬛⬛	419	71	D−
SHARK	🟨⬛🟩⬛⬛	53	2	F
AMASS	🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩	Win!	—	A+

https://gradle.app/#SN64osMBgw9zVW0y
Double-letter tracker for this month:

Days	Double-Letter Answers
14	1

After no double letters for the month so far, we get double-double letters. For my 3rd guess, I had a 50/50 choice between the solution and QUASI, and so did WordleBot in hard mode. The bot's dictionary also had AVAST which isn't on the original answer list.

With a lot changed between Free Agency, a few trades, and the NFL Draft, it seemed like a good time to reset a bit and look around the NFL for the roster situations team-by-team at the RB position. The episode of Fantasy For Real below covers the NFC RB Rooms post-draft.
https://cjfreel.substack.com/p/24-dealing-w-day-3-troy-franklin -- FULL AUDIO Podcast
Show 24 Timeline: Looking into Troy Franklin (4:30) NFC RB Rooms (North - South - East - West) (22:30) Age List Update '22-'24 Prospect Ages (50:25) End (58:00)
//
DISCLAIMER: I use publicly available information about NFL contracts to draw conclusions about their structure. This can be a flawed process, but hopefully these publicly available reported contract figures are close enough to reality that the contract discussions have proper merit.
NFC RB Rooms
For the write-up today, instead of going Division-by-Division like the AUDIO podcast version of Fantasy For Real, I’m going to split teams up by how much addition has been made. There is a bit of subjectivity here, not just in who the team brought in, but in who they already have. For example, a 6th Round Pick going to a relatively open room can be a significant addition. A 6th Round Pick going to a team with Bijan Robinson is significantly less impactful.
NO CHANGE RB Rooms
Detroit Lions, Atlanta Falcons, New Orleans Saints, Seattle Seahawks
As mentioned above, the Falcons did add an intriguing physical talent in Jase McClellan, but given who Bijan Robinson is, I’m considering this a “No Change” situation. Both Bijan Robinson and the lead RB for the Lions, Jahmyr Gibbs, are under contract through at least 2026 with a team option for the 2027 season (3 + 1). David Montgomery has a reasonable cap hit in 2025, but could save the team most of his cap hit if he were cut. For New Orleans, it seems very unlikely that the Saints will be able to retain Alvin Kamara without a significant reworking of his contract after 2024. This is certainly possible, but at 29 this season and 30 next year, it seems more likely this is Kamara’s final year with the team. That said, Jamaal Williams has a decent chance to be with the Saints for all three years of his contract including 2025 if he stays healthy, and the Saints have Kendre Miller (three years remaining) as well. The Seattle Seahawks have two highly drafted RBs under rookie contracts in Kenneth Walker III (two years remaining) and Zach Charbonnet (three years remaining).
FA CHANGE RB Rooms
Chicago Bears, Minnesota Vikings, Dallas Cowboys, Washington Commanders
The Dallas Cowboys pretty much deserve to have their own section of this conversation. They have Ezekiel Elliott, Rico Dowdle, Royce Freeman, and Deuce Vaughn (three years remaining). The biggest talking point for the Cowboys might be the RBs around the NFL like Javonte Williams, Samaje Perine, or Khalil Herbert from this next team who could all theoretically become available for one reason or another. While many liked the low-cost tandem of Roschon Johnson (three years remaining) and Khalil Herbert (expiring contract), the Bears paid a sizable contract to former Lions & Eagles RB D’Andre Swift in Free Agency this year. Swift will be locked into a sizable investment on the Bears for at least the next two seasons. Swift’s 2026 cap hit is feasible, but most of it can be avoided by cutting Swift, so it is far from guaranteed. Both the Minnesota Vikings and the Washington Commanders brought in older RBs in Aaron Jones and Austin Ekeler respectively to one-year contracts. Both teams also have a home-grown 3rd-year RB behind their new veterans in Ty Chandler (two years remaining) and Brian Robinson Jr. (two years remaining). While I wouldn’t recommend paying too much for either, it is fair to say those are two of the best situated handcuffs considering the age, injury history, and new locations of the backs in front of them.
DRAFT CHANGE RB Rooms
Tampa Bay Buccaneers, Carolina Panthers, San Francisco 49ers, Arizona Cardinals, Los Angeles Rams
I profiled the AFC first, but the NFC got all the major shake-ups, including the top two drafted RBs in Jonathon Brooks to Carolina and Trey Benson to Arizona. This piece and the contracts within really highlight some of the value that Brooks and Benson bring to the table: both players have been assessed at a fairly high talent grade and given a four year commitment alongside those assessments. Brooks is recovering from an ACL injury and has a fairly crowded room around him (Rashaad Penny – Expiring ; Chuba Hubbard – Expiring ; Miles Sanders – Likely Cut after 2024), but no individual is likely taking too much work from Brooks if he is healthy given the capital investment. James Conner (expiring contract), when healthy, is a much bigger roadblock for Trey Benson, but it is also important to mention that aside from just the expiring contract, the 29-year-old RB has never been healthy for a full season in his entire NFL Career. Conner’s career high is 15 Games Played and he has played in 13 or fewer games in five of the last six seasons.
If Christian McCaffrey (two years remaining ; some cap savings, but unlikely to cut given who McCaffrey is without major injury) was a bit younger, he would be getting the Bijan Robinson treatment and the San Francisco 49ers would be in the top group, but now a 28-year-old RB, it’s important to bring up a player like Isaac Guerendo (four years remaining). Guerendo is a bit limited in ways you may not expect for a bigger RB, but as an outside runner similar to Raheem Mostert, there is a lot of upside here. Elijah Mitchell (expiring contract) remains a potentially more likely #2 RB if healthy. How the Los Angeles Rams plan to deploy Kyren Williams (two years remaining) and Blake Corum (four years remaining) is very tricky. On the one hand, there is ample evidence that Sean McVay’s instinct is to rely on a single back. On the other hand, what McVay has done has not worked for the Rams nearly as well as it has worked for fantasy managers, and keeping Kyren Williams healthy by rotating drives with a similar player who does not need to leave the field (for the drive) makes a lot of sense on paper. This is nature versus intention in my eyes, as I do think the intention is clearly going to be to use Corum to take drives away from Kyren. Finally, not too big of an addition, but the Tampa Bay Buccaneers added the scrappy, small, and oddly physical pass catching back Bucky Irving (four years remaining). The biggest trick will be to figure out if Irving is a thorn for the pass catching of Rachaad White (two years remaining). White’s best tool is his pass catching, so if he cedes those plays to Irving, you have to hope that his rushing efficiency finally takes a leap.
FA+DRAFT CHANGE RB Rooms
Green Bay Packers, New York Giants, Philadelphia Eagles
The Philadelphia Eagles could arguably be in the FA section just because of how different these investments are. The Eagles added Saquon Barkley on a contract that appears to be locked in for two years with at least some substantial dead money in Year 3. Barkley being who he is, he will definitely be the guy, but behind Barkley or should Barkley get injured, the Eagles have incumbent Kenneth Gainwell (expiring contract) and new rookie Will Shipley (four years remaining). Shipley is not the most flashy, but I think he is a bit underrated in this specific context where he can be a three-down handcuff (should he beat out Gainwell). The team that Barkley departed, the New York Giants, are trying to fix the RB room by committee and/or lower investments, bringing in Devin Singletary with their main investment. Singletary is likely under contract through 2025, though the figure for his 3rd year in 2026 is not too high. Aside from Singletary, the Giants have thrown darts the last two years at Eric Gray (three years remaining) and Tyrone Tracy (four years remaining). Tracy is currently my favorite fantasy draft pick with an ADP of the fourth round of rookie drafts or lower due to his explosive upside and pass catching background, though Tracy’s lack of history at RB and advanced prospect age showcase some risks.
Finally, the Green Bay Packers are pretty much the only team in both conferences to truly make significant investments in both areas for the RB position. Josh Jacobs was signed by the Green Bay Packers to a complicated contract that has been discussed quite a bit, though I do think we may have gone a bit too far. While it is true that Jacobs can be cut for a cap “savings” after just one season, that “savings” is compared to a sizable cap hit and the dead cap is substantial, meaning the Green Bay Packers would have to pay a considerable amount of dead cap in 2025 to not have Jacobs on the roster, plus they would then need to fill his spot on the 53 with more money. The cap savings I’m seeing is under $2 mil, and so when you subtract a minimum contract figure from that for the 53 man roster spot you need to fill, the amount gets even smaller. It makes it feasible the Packers might cut Jacobs after 2024, but still very unlikely unless he were borderline un-rosterable. That said, Marshawn Lloyd (four years remaining) does enter a situation where he has a chance to maintain a smaller role like he did throughout college while allowing him to display potentially his dynamic playmaking and pass catching ability in an offense that can utilize both effectively. The Packers also still have AJ Dillon (expiring).
//
For podcast listeners, delayed release for Episode 26 because of Mother's Day among other things. I'm done with my first series of 2025 shows which can be found on this sub and by my profile. I’ll be around to answer any questions / comments about Redraft / Dynasty / Futures.
Thanks,
C.J.

I pulled up to the Lake Mart gas station convenience store and parked near the entrance in front of the ice machine. It wasn’t a parking spot but I have a small car, a Miata, so I figured no one would mind, plus I would just be in and out real quick - all I needed was a pack of smokes and two white Monster energy drinks. I flung open the door and got out with ease since I had the top down(when the top is up it’s like crawling into a coffin which is kinda cozy in its own way but still hard to get in and out of). I was wearing cheap, black Amazon sweatpants and crocs and a very expensive beige long sleeve V cut sweater. It was a mismatch of the highest order but I didn’t give a shit. “That ain’t a parking spot buddy!” I hear coming from the Ford F-250 filling up with poor-grade 87 unleaded at the pump, the truck isn’t even a manly diesel. I glare at him and yell back: “How’s the ride in that thing? Probably bounces you around a lot on these roads and reminds you of riding your boyfriend.” A very overweight shit kicker type of fella walks around from the side of the F-250. His boots were covered in dried mud along with his Carrhart overalls. It wasn’t fresh mud but definitely from the previous week’s worth of laboring somewhere horrible. “What did you say to me!?” He bellowed. There was some sort of food stain on the front of his T-shirt, possibly mayonnaise or some other condiment. Strange tho since it was only 7:00AM so he clearly wore the shirt the day or days before. “Oh, sorry.” I said to him after seeing his size. “I didn’t realize you were so big, you must be more of a doggy style power bottom type.” “What the fuck does that mean?” he said to me. “It means you’re too fucking fat to be on top of your boyfriend. He rails you from behind.” “Oh that’s it you fuck!” he yelled and started to run at me. Oh shit I thought, I really let my mouth get me into a situation for no real reason. But actually, no fuck this guy, he started it by telling me I can’t park in front of the ice machine. That’s clearly a violation of the Bill of Rights and flagrant treading on me. He was fairly fast for a fat guy but I knew I was faster and had more endurance. I stood there at first near the front of my Miata and he was running full speed and as he closed the distance he stretched his arms out with the intention of grabbing me(to probably try and make out with me). At the last second I strafed to the right behind the safety of the front left panel of my car. Him being inertia laden, was unable to change direction in time to grab me. His arms flailed to his left at me but missed by a wide margin, He contorted his body in trying to grab me in such a way it forced his legs to cross with the next stride and he tripped over his own feet, took two awkward stumbles and ate shit on the asphalt parking lot, landing on his right shoulder before tumbling over himself and into the ice machine. “Dude you just ate shit!” I said to him pointing and laughing. “You’re probably used to it though when you eat your boyfriend’s ass every night.” “You fucking goddamn…” He said as he got to one knee. “Oh no, don’t propose to me, I’m already in a committed relationship…with your mom.” I replied. He finally got to his feet and despite it being only 50 feet that he ran, he was already wheezing. He reached to his right pocket and pulled out a small pocket knife, maybe 3 inches long only but long enough to do some serious damage, then charged at me again. I ran to the rear of my car and put the car between me and him, he tried to slash at me across the trunk but I easily dodged it as he came up feet short. He started chasing me again and I ran to the front of my car and as he ran up to me again, I ran to the rear of my car like a toddler playing “you can’t catch me”. I started laughing at this thought and each time he ran a pass at me I said that to him. “You can’t catch me big fella! You can’t catch me!” I didn’t have to put forth too much effort but I could tell it was taking its toll on him. He had the stubbornness of a retarded mule and refused to give up to save some sense of pride and honor. We played this game for maybe five complete laps around my car before he realized he had no chance of getting to me. He paused for a moment to decide what to do next to save face and not look like such a fat bitch then it donned on him. “You little fuck.” The sweat was pouring down his forehead. “You got a spare tire in the trunk of this shitbox rice burning beanermobile?” He said and eye’d up my right front tire and pulled his arm back. There wasn’t much I could do so as he began to lunge his arm forward to puncture my tire, I let out the loudest and highest pitch rape scream I could make. It was an ear piercing banshee scream and it must have startled him because he missed the tire and hit the fender causing his sweaty hand to slip from the grip and violently slide down the grip and onto the blade of his knife cutting a large gash in his fingers and palm. “FUCKKKKK!” he screamed, still clutching the knife. The Indian clerk that owned and operated the store must have been alerted by my banshee scream and came rushing out the door. “What going on here!?” he yelled, looking concerned and confused. He saw I was standing there and recognized me immediately. I had to be one of the biggest spenders at the store, buying at least a pack of smokes a day and two energy drinks like clockwork and very often getting food for lunch and always paid cash which they loved. They liked me and knew me as well as you’d know a frequent customer. He saw the fat fella was holding a knife but also bleeding. “He chased me and tried to slash my tire.” I said and the clerk nodded and believed me. “That’s not a parking spot!” the big fella said. “He park there every day, never cause any problem. You buddy, you not welcome here. Go now, leave or I call the police!” The big fella glared at me holding his bleeding palm with his other hand now to apply pressure. I didn’t say a word, I just grinned at the big fella and he turned around and went back to his truck, got in and drove off, peeling out with one wheel as he left. I went inside and the clerk apologized to me for the behavior of the big fella even though it wasn’t his fault obviously. I assured him it wasn’t an issue and got my normal supplies and left. I got in my car and hit the vape(I won’t smoke in the car), started the engine and put on some Tool. My adrenaline was still high so I took a deep breath, hit the vape again, and started the engine then pulled out of my personal parking spot. I pulled out onto the road, looking both ways first but not paying attention to the vehicle far down the road and started my short drive home. It was one complete Tool song for the round trip if I drove like a sane person and I causally accelerated. I hadn’t made it a mile before I noticed a F-250 in my rear view mirror growing in size rapidly. It was the big fella and he was going to run me down in a way that wouldn’t exhaust or embarrass him. “Oh fuck” I said and took another vape hit then downshifted into 3rd gear and put the pedal to the floor. The Miata’s engine woke from its slumber and quickly ran the RPM’s up to 6000, putting me back in my seat the entire time. I shifted into 4th and floored it again. The road was awful and full of potholes but the sporty nimbleness of the Miata made avoiding the major potholes and bumps a fun exercise in technical driving. The big fella had a huge run up on me however and was still closing the distance on me even though I was speeding along at close to 90 miles per hour. Either he was an idiot or didn’t know the roads or likely both but as I glanced in the rearview mirror I could see the truck take hit after hit from the potholes. It lurched and bounced each time but the venerable American truck took each hit in stride and held its ground with me. I was doing 105 MPH now on a shitty backcountry road in a 45MPH zone and the F-250’s speed limiter likely kicked in at that speed so I maintained 105 as we approached the curves. I was nervous because I had only one option and that was to navigate a downhill S-turn meant for 35MPH at 105MPH while avoiding potholes that would tear off one of my tires. If I slowed down any, this maniac behind me could plow into me or give me the Pitt Maneuver and spin me out which would inevitably lead to a rollover where I definitely would die. “Fuck it” I said, grabbed another gear and started pulling away from the F-250. There was another option that just came to me ¼ mile from the S-turn and immediately opted for it. Despite the pain of sacrificing it, I lobbed a full 16oz can of white Monster out of the top of my car like a hand grenade. It crashed into the truck’s grill and penetrated through the grill and into the radiator like an armor piercing anti-tank cannon shell. A plume of steam erupted from the truck and I let off the throttle only to see him start gaining ground. I put it to the floor again and clenched my asshole as I was seconds away from barreling down upon the S-turn. I could see far enough ahead that there was no oncoming traffic so I steered as far left as I could to get the best angle entering the turn. The car’s lane detection warning system beeped at me and I told it to fuck off, I was racing for my life here. I tracked into the turn, apexed in the corner and tracked back out into the next turn. I felt myself get lighter when I entered the turn because it was downhill but the Miata stayed true and glued to the road like a Formula 1 car. In the first part of the S-turn, I had to keep the center line in the center of my car because of the massive canyons in the asphalt on the right tire track that Penn Dot hadn’t addressed in several years. There were more potholes but they were minor and at this speed the car glided over them. I had made it halfway through the S-turn and now steered left again and apexed perfectly in the outward curve and accelerated out of it. The next stretch had mild curves that I wasn’t worried about and I got back in my proper lane, now about to check my mirror to see what the big fella’s fate was. I heard the tires squeal as he tried to slow down to make the first curve of the S-turn. He knew nothing of racing despite having decals on his back window of some local hayseed race car driver. When he braked in the middle of the turn, all the weight shifted forward and he lost all rear grip. Combining that with trying to steer right, caused the rear end of the truck to slide out from behind him and he spun 90 degrees. The left front tire caught the canyon pothole and sent the truck into a barrel roll down the hill. I watched it all in my mirror and I slammed on my breaks. The truck barrel rolled at least a half dozen times before hitting the left side guard rail and bounced into the middle of the road. Steam was billowing from the front of the truck and I could see all the airbags had deployed. I pulled the e-brake, did a half turn to slow down and stop, smoke seethed from my tires and when the car came to a halt in the middle of the road, I put on my 4-ways. I then heard a woman yell to me from the nearby house. “Oh my god!” She yelled. “Are you okay!” She saw the smoke and must have thought there was a fire or something coming from my car. “Yeah I’m fine, but that fella probably isn’t” I said motioning to the heap of metal that used to be a F-250. “I saw the whole thing! I was getting my mail when I heard an engine revving”, the woman said, “Why were you going so fast!? Racing?” She was accusatory and slightly distressed or even angry. I turned my head away from the wreck and looked at her. She was in her late 20s, blonde hair, large and possibly fake breasts, blue eyes and wearing the cutest and most sensual peach colored sundress. If she had makeup on it was minor at most and her face held the natural beauty of an entire Miss Universe contest. “I was racing for my life. The guy is a lunatic, he tried to stab me at the gas station then started chasing me. I knew he couldn’t handle that turn but I knew my car could. Looks like I was right.” I said to her. She looked at me seemingly satisfied with my response but asked, “Why did he try to stab you?” “Because I called him gay.” She laughed and smiled thinking I was joking and was about to say something else when we both heard the big fella yell for help. “We prob should check on him” I said and took a deep hit from my vape exhaling more white vapor than was coming from the wrecked truck. A car pulled up and the driver asked if anyone called 911, I said no and he started dialing. “I’m Michelle”, she said and extended her left hand to me to help me out of the car. She presented her left hand palm down so I could clearly see that she didn’t have a wedding ring. I took her hand and got out of the car then released her hand. It was just a short moment but it lasted for decades. I felt an electricity in her touch, the softness of her skin but the strength and firmness of an unyielding woman who was not unsure of herself. She was breeding stock and with each step she took, her breasts bounced slightly and jiggled revealing that they were indeed real and without a doubt perfect. “I’ve never seen anyone drive that fast through that turn before.” she continued. There’s at least a dozen wrecks here a year from people doing the speed limit and you were going how fast?” “105” I replied. “Maybe 110 when I finally hit the brakes.” “You’re insane.” She said and smiled, then adjusted her sundress, undoing one of her buttons revealing a little bit more cleavage. Her nipples were perky and nearly penetrated the fabric. “Its hot this morning…What kind of car is that? It looks German.” “It’s a Miata. Its basically a super car. It has 180hp but don’t let that fool you, the car only weighs a little more than 2200 pounds. Okay, so you've got to understand why the Mazda Miata is such a big deal—it's not just a car; it's a whole vibe! Picture this: It's super lightweight, right? That makes it incredibly fun to drive; it’s like it's practically gliding along the road. And it's got this perfectly balanced rear-wheel drive, so it handles like a dream, especially on curves. Seriously, it's like dancing... but with a car!” I paused for a few moments to catch my breath then added “Plus, it’s affordable, which is crazy considering how sporty it is. It’s like the everyman’s sports car. You can actually own a roadster without breaking the bank!” “Oh well, that’s nice I guess.” She said and continued, “I have to go now actually, I need to…like do some…chores…I mean get ready for work. Bye.” She buttoned up her sundress then ran off back to her driveway. “Are you a fucking idiot?” I heard the big fella yell. I watched as Michelle sprinted up her driveway, not looking back once even though sirens were blaring and the firetrucks and ambulances had arrived. “You had her melting in your hand and you sperged out like a retard about your car? What the hell is wrong with you? I don’t even want to kick your ass anymore, that was the worst thing I’ve ever seen.”

myquals: IIT Roorkee 2nd year BTech Mechanical Student , entering 3rd year
So for a long time, I have been a rebellious guy who rejects societal standards, however ever since I joined IIT it has become depressive each semester, I expected people to be smart enough to have some sort of interest towards specific technologies and ideas, but all I got to see was people getting their cp rating up from 1st semester only or studying 24/7 for increasing their cgpa, and then there are always a few assholes who cheat in semester exams using mobile devices ( it was the most in our year ) , the same assholes dive in drugs like they are having a regular meal.
Everyone just studies for grades, interns or placements, in fact there is now a coaching made by our alums that is opening to cater to teaching students how to crack interviews , I don't understand where the passion for software and tech is gone? Why are we studying like robots? Why are we crying after grades and ratings? People having fake work experience and projects and stuff , what the obsession with marketing ? Whats the obsession with numbers?
I have been a straight A student for a long time and someone who has been wanting to have my own freewill for a long time since I cleared jee advanced ,however living in a environment like this , it made me question my own decisions . I understand the importance of having to have a decent grade point average and having a good rating and all but when everyone is extremely obsessive over them and judges you based on that only , it creates a environment imitating a pressure cooker . I don't know about others but for me , I was very passionate for technology , specially low level programming and Machine learning , i came in 1st year and found out everyone is doing web dev like that's the only job market in the whole f**kng world , i wanted to start with machine learning , did that , got into a club , now my cgpa was good in 1st sem ( 8.714) but as i moved to next semesters , my cgpa dropped because of reasons like my own mental health , lack of like minded friends and cheating freaks. However whatever might be the case , time flew by very quickly and so i tried picking up in 4th semester , got something around 7.9 cgpa with a sgpa of 8.6. I tried my best to get grades and since intern season is coming the tension in people is evident everyone is doing the same stuff and then, i kind of realised the following words :
" Don't waste the rest of your time here worrying about other people -- unless it affects the common good . It will keep you from doing anything useful . You'll be too preoccupied with what so and so is doing , and why , and what they're saying and what they're thinking and what they're up to and all the other things that throw you off and keep you from focusing on your own mind."
More of it here
I have been wasting my potential for so long and i don't even know how to unlock it , maybe i do and that way is bravery , am i brave enough to stand with my words and do what everyone is not doing . On one hand i have security which ill get because of conventional path of intern and placement but on the other hand i have to trust myself to find interns and placements and find like minded connections which are much better in pay and give better growth work.
Financially i come from a upper middle class , will try to go to Europe for further studies after 2YOE . Its been a huge dilemma for me for a long time , as i feel that i am being trapped in an invisible cage with lots of eyes on me , any advice from fellow engineers and people in the industry ?

Ok for context Im a 3rd year college student in a health allied course. Medyo pangit pamamahala ng school namin. 🔰
Basically sa final grading period namin, 5 meetings tong subject niya. Bale 5 meetings as in from end of midterms to final exam. Si prof ay naghahandle ng major subjects namin.
So eto na nga, tong si laroshie prof hindi pumasok for 4 meetings kasi nagbabakasyon. We have 1 meeting a week. Nakapag Boracay, Elyu, tapos nakapag Zambales pa oh diba saya!
Yung last meeting namin, absent din siya. So nagpa make up class siya this past Saturday. We have only had 1 quiz so far, so majority of our grades this Final period will mostly rely on our final examination.
He taught an entire syllabus in a day. As in pahapyaw, no in depth discussion, lecture kami from 8am to 3pm. Para masabi lang na nagturo siguro siya. Sige ok lang, tanggap ko naman. College student kasi eh dapat ready kami.
Ang hindi ko tanggap is na-move yung exam schedule namin. Last Saturday, they released a schedule na sa Wednesday pa dapat ang exam. Tapos ngayon ngayon lang, nag release ng revised schedule saying na tomorrow, Tuesday na ang final exam namin. This is on top of like 8 more majors and 2 minors.
Wala lang, share ko lang. Tanggap ko naman na wala kaming choice. Kailangan ko lang mag reklamo onti kasi coping mechanism ko HAHAHA. Eh judger iba kong ka-block sipsip sa mga prof nagsusumbong tsaka snitch kaya dito ako sa reddit nagyyap. HAHAHA.
Ah more chismis din kasi wala lang. Ito din si laroshie prof may favorites siya per batch. As in sumasama siya sa mga inuman nila, na nakikiclose talaga. Tapos kahit bagsakin yung iba sa kanila sa quizzes, miraculously pumapasa pag dating sa final published grades. Walang singko. Hindi ba dapat bawal yung ganun na relationship ng prof and student? Dito lang sa school ko ako nakakita ng ganun. My friends in other schools also found it quite peculiar na ganun ugali niya.
Ayun lang, just really needed to get it off my chest before going back to studying. HAHAHA hay.

I apologize for the text wall, I have a learning disability but I will try to keep things understandable for you guys to read. I just need to get these feelings that I’ve withheld for years out without looking like a bad guy.
For context, I (23 M) have a bit of a strained relationship with my father (I don’t know even know how old he is, but I’m assuming he’s around 55 years old. That’s how strained me and him are) he wasn’t abusive or anything, but he walked out on me and my sister who I’ll call Mocha (29 F) when me and her were small children. My dad was cheating on my mom before he walked out on us to play happy family with another woman and have another son. The last time I saw my dad before reconnecting temporarily around 2014 was back around 2007 I think, I was very little and don’t really know what year it took place, but I do remember what happened that fateful day when I last saw my dad. My mom took me and my sister to go visit him in his workplace that was a restaurant that doesn’t exist anymore. The moment we entered the restaurant my dad who was behind the counter had seen us and without hesitation said "No, no, no" while making hand gestures letting us know that we weren’t welcomed and kicked us all out of the restaurant. I remember his hand pushing me, Mocha, and my mom out of the restaurant without any hesitation when he did that. I remember all the excitement and happiness just faded when he kicked us out, the last thing I remember was my mom and dad arguing outside and me and Mocha crying our eyes out and that was pretty much the last time we had seen him for years. How can he kick out his own two children who weren’t even 10 years old?! My sister Mocha took it very hard as she grew older. There were times my mom couldn’t hold down a job and needed to wait in line at the food pantry multiple times while my dad was working to support his new wife and son. My uncle who is dad’s brother was more of a father than my dad ever was, my uncle confirmed it himself that he and my dad don’t even talk at all since then. My uncle and his wife were there for me, Mocha, and my mom when my dad wasn’t in the picture. My dad reconnected with me and Mocha around 2014 before moving to Chicago to be with his new wife and his new son/my stepbrother. I don’t know what happened, or why the new wife moved to Chicago without my dad, but I know they are still together to this very day. I stupidly forgave my father when I was around 15 because I missed him so much, but after we lost contact shortly after he moved to Chicago without my dad but I know they are still together to this very day. I stupidly forgave my father when I was around 15 because I missed him so much, but after we lost contact shortly after he moved to Chicago I grew up to hate him as I got older because of how mom struggled with paying rent on time and I was still underage at the time to do anything about it. Just recently my dad’s new wife sent my sister a package and when I saw the address the package came from the new wife who had my dad’s last name. I don’t know why, but I felt angry inside that she had my dad’s last name, that’s also my last name as well. There were times me and Mocha needed our dad, and he was never there when his two children grew as adults when they turned 18, never showed up to high school graduations, didn’t wish them a happy 18th birthday, and was never there when my niece and nephew were born. My uncle was there when my dad failure of a father didn’t show up to any of those once in a lifetime opportunity. I don’t know why, but I always felt that my father walking out on us was the reason as to why I, up to the second grade, was afraid of my mom leaving because of how my father left. I always wondered how our lives could have been different if he didn’t leave and break his wedding vows. My mom who is currently 65 is a hard worker who never gives up. I feel bad that my dad abandoned her when she needed help, not just her, but when his two kids needed him the most. Even though my uncle has a family, he helped me, Mocha, and my mom when my dad didn’t even bother to try and reach out to us again after my dad moved to Chicago. What do you guys think? Is it normal to still harbor resentment towards the parent who walked out on the other to be with someone else, and that parent breaking their wedding vows?

I apologize for the text wall, I have a learning disability but I will try to keep things understandable for you guys to read. I just need to get these feelings that I’ve withheld for years out without looking like a bad guy.
For context, I (23 M) have a bit of a strained relationship with my father (I don’t know even know how old he is, but I’m assuming he’s around 55 years old. That’s how strained me and him are) he wasn’t abusive or anything, but he walked out on me and my sister who I’ll call Mocha (29 F) when me and her were small children. My dad was cheating on my mom before he walked out on us to play happy family with another woman and have another son. The last time I saw my dad before reconnecting temporarily around 2014 was back around 2007 I think, I was very little and don’t really know what year it took place, but I do remember what happened that fateful day when I last saw my dad. My mom took me and my sister to go visit him in his workplace that was a restaurant that doesn’t exist anymore. The moment we entered the restaurant my dad who was behind the counter had seen us and without hesitation said "No, no, no" while making hand gestures letting us know that we weren’t welcomed and kicked us all out of the restaurant. I remember his hand pushing me, Mocha, and my mom out of the restaurant without any hesitation when he did that. I remember all the excitement and happiness just faded when he kicked us out, the last thing I remember was my mom and dad arguing outside and me and Mocha crying our eyes out and that was pretty much the last time we had seen him for years. How can he kick out his own two children who weren’t even 10 years old?! My sister Mocha took it very hard as she grew older. There were times my mom couldn’t hold down a job and needed to wait in line at the food pantry multiple times while my dad was working to support his new wife and son. My uncle who is dad’s brother was more of a father than my dad ever was, my uncle confirmed it himself that he and my dad don’t even talk at all since then. My uncle and his wife were there for me, Mocha, and my mom when my dad wasn’t in the picture. My dad reconnected with me and Mocha around 2014 before moving to Chicago to be with his new wife and his new son/my stepbrother. I don’t know what happened, or why the new wife moved to Chicago without my dad, but I know they are still together to this very day. I stupidly forgave my father when I was around 15 because I missed him so much, but after we lost contact shortly after he moved to Chicago without my dad but I know they are still together to this very day. I stupidly forgave my father when I was around 15 because I missed him so much, but after we lost contact shortly after he moved to Chicago I grew up to hate him as I got older because of how mom struggled with paying rent on time and I was still underage at the time to do anything about it. Just recently my dad’s new wife sent my sister a package and when I saw the address the package came from the new wife who had my dad’s last name. I don’t know why, but I felt angry inside that she had my dad’s last name, that’s also my last name as well. There were times me and Mocha needed our dad, and he was never there when his two children grew as adults when they turned 18, never showed up to high school graduations, didn’t wish them a happy 18th birthday, and was never there when my niece and nephew were born. My uncle was there when my dad failure of a father didn’t show up to any of those once in a lifetime opportunity. I don’t know why, but I always felt that my father walking out on us was the reason as to why I, up to the second grade, was afraid of my mom leaving because of how my father left. I always wondered how our lives could have been different if he didn’t leave and break his wedding vows. My mom who is currently 65 is a hard worker who never gives up. I feel bad that my dad abandoned her when she needed help, not just her, but when his two kids needed him the most. Even though my uncle has a family, he helped me, Mocha, and my mom when my dad didn’t even bother to try and reach out to us again after my dad moved to Chicago. What do you guys think? Is it normal to still harbor resentment towards the parent who walked out on the other to be with someone else, and that parent breaking their wedding vows?

I apologize for the text wall, I have a learning disability but I will try to keep things understandable for you guys to read. I just need to get these feelings that I’ve withheld for years out without looking like a bad guy.
For context, I (23 M) have a bit of a strained relationship with my father (I don’t know even know how old he is, but I’m assuming he’s around 55 years old. That’s how strained me and him are) he wasn’t abusive or anything, but he walked out on me and my sister who I’ll call Mocha (29 F) when me and her were small children. My dad was cheating on my mom before he walked out on us to play happy family with another woman and have another son. The last time I saw my dad before reconnecting temporarily around 2014 was back around 2007 I think, I was very little and don’t really know what year it took place, but I do remember what happened that fateful day when I last saw my dad. My mom took me and my sister to go visit him in his workplace that was a restaurant that doesn’t exist anymore. The moment we entered the restaurant my dad who was behind the counter had seen us and without hesitation said "No, no, no" while making hand gestures letting us know that we weren’t welcomed and kicked us all out of the restaurant. I remember his hand pushing me, Mocha, and my mom out of the restaurant without any hesitation when he did that. I remember all the excitement and happiness just faded when he kicked us out, the last thing I remember was my mom and dad arguing outside and me and Mocha crying our eyes out and that was pretty much the last time we had seen him for years. How can he kick out his own two children who weren’t even 10 years old?! My sister Mocha took it very hard as she grew older. There were times my mom couldn’t hold down a job and needed to wait in line at the food pantry multiple times while my dad was working to support his new wife and son. My uncle who is dad’s brother was more of a father than my dad ever was, my uncle confirmed it himself that he and my dad don’t even talk at all since then. My uncle and his wife were there for me, Mocha, and my mom when my dad wasn’t in the picture. My dad reconnected with me and Mocha around 2014 before moving to Chicago to be with his new wife and his new son/my stepbrother. I don’t know what happened, or why the new wife moved to Chicago without my dad, but I know they are still together to this very day. I stupidly forgave my father when I was around 15 because I missed him so much, but after we lost contact shortly after he moved to Chicago without my dad but I know they are still together to this very day. I stupidly forgave my father when I was around 15 because I missed him so much, but after we lost contact shortly after he moved to Chicago I grew up to hate him as I got older because of how mom struggled with paying rent on time and I was still underage at the time to do anything about it. Just recently my dad’s new wife sent my sister a package and when I saw the address the package came from the new wife who had my dad’s last name. I don’t know why, but I felt angry inside that she had my dad’s last name, that’s also my last name as well. There were times me and Mocha needed our dad, and he was never there when his two children grew as adults when they turned 18, never showed up to high school graduations, didn’t wish them a happy 18th birthday, and was never there when my niece and nephew were born. My uncle was there when my dad failure of a father didn’t show up to any of those once in a lifetime opportunity. I don’t know why, but I always felt that my father walking out on us was the reason as to why I, up to the second grade, was afraid of my mom leaving because of how my father left. I always wondered how our lives could have been different if he didn’t leave and break his wedding vows. My mom who is currently 65 is a hard worker who never gives up. I feel bad that my dad abandoned her when she needed help, not just her, but when his two kids needed him the most. Even though my uncle has a family, he helped me, Mocha, and my mom when my dad didn’t even bother to try and reach out to us again after my dad moved to Chicago. What do you guys think? Is it normal to still harbor resentment towards the parent who walked out on the other to be with someone else, and that parent breaking their wedding vows?

Hey guys, as you probably or not know I am a 2024 graduating mechanical Engineering student who has been lurking in this subreddit for some time. My NUS journey has finally ended after officially closing my FYP for good. To commemorate this occasion, I like to share my farewell speech script since I always wanted to give one in real life but didn’t get the chance because I not 2024 valedictorian. At the same time I will make it an AMA post too. So just ask any question about ME u like. Can be about easy elective modules which I got A, optimum academic workload, FYP matters, Internship, etc.
It is my pleasure to finally graduate from NUS. Looking back my 4 years of University life really pass by in a flash. While it has been undramatic and lonely where I made 0 close friends, eat mostly alone except for a few rare occasions and made no GF🥲 like not even a single relationship. However ultimately I am glad I went through it. Saying I learnt a lot from NUS ME will be lying but at least I was exposed to a ton of engineering concepts which challenged me mathematically to a point I almost throw the towel and drop out. In a sense University education has built my resilience and drive towards learning sth that I don’t know which I believe is important in the context of life long learning. Since technology is constantly evolving and as engineers we need to ensure we don’t get left behind.🤖
Lastly atb for 3 June grade release, grades is ultimately just a variable in that job hunting equation. So even if u get bad grades it ain’t the end of the world. Can always compensate with other factors (E.g CCA, internship experience, competitions).
After Graduation Plans:
Will be flying back to my hometown later to chill before I start work. Speaking of work recently I have received a job offer from the public sector (defense is all I will disclose so no more DM spamming ah). Shocked they gave me an offer but it is a 2 year contract with full time conversion depending on performance so not exactly surprising. Guess I have to work hard for that full time conversion opportunity to truly unleash that almighty iron rice bowl. Gov job always been my goal since NUS matriculation so I guess I have achieved my purpose of coming here. Students who hit their goals aren’t real LowTierStudents so I will relinquish this title. Hence this will be my final post as LowTierStudent aka LTS on Reddit.🫡
Lemme know if u got any questions about ME major via this post or DM.
See ya! 😊👋👋 NUS, nus and LowTierStudent
PS: CS1010E you were a pain in the ass but ultimately I am glad I had to take up u twice. Although I lost a $349 mechanical keyboard…..nvm f*** this shit ass mod.
EDIT: Some think I am a foreignePR but I am a SG citizen. Just my parents were ex-china citizens and for some reason I pop out there so I consider china as my actual hometown. Majority of my relatives are there too. Reddit is blocked there so I will be going dark for quite some time. Will reply to the queries related comments and DMs when I get back.🙂‍↕️

43/f sw: 267cw:252 gw: 180ish
So I did a month of .25and lost 8 pounds, doc put in for a higher dose, insurance is held up, but I’ll find out Tuesday if they approve it . Over the course of the first two weeks off I gained 2lbs, today is the 3rd week, as I’m “starting” on Saturdays. And I’m back down to 252.4. I normally( in larger context)don’t even consider a pound or two as an impact but I’m just feeling hopeful I can do really do this long term , I’m hungry,all the damn time but that’s okay, I can ignore it now and also a cup of hot tea really gives me hours of a full/comfort feeling. I’m 43 and disabled but for fucks sake, I’m gonna do this💪💪💪💪🫶

Hello Dr. K and team,
I am a 31yo lady from Singapore and have been watching your content for a long time now. I have learnt a great deal from them and they have given me invaluable insights into my gaming partner, Z of going 7y. This message has been typed before and deleted previously, hence this is the second time and finally, I am reaching out for help because I honestly don't know what to do.
In this message, I will do my best to lay down the more significant events in my partner's life and steer away from expressing how I feel because I hope that there is no preconceived notion formed prior to you chatting with my partner (through twitch stream) based on my thoughts and feelings. We have both watched your videos and he is no stranger to you. In fact, I have told him that I am going to reach out to you here so he can talk to someone who will be able to give more concrete advice and ways to move forward (even though he said that it wouldn't help), I am doing it anyway.
Z's Timeline & Context Before we met in 2017: Z has left his family church after finding out that the religion is not aligned with science. He acknowledged that many go to church for the community. However, he took the doctrine seriously and lived by it, hence he can no longer find a reason to continue investing time in church. Most of his family and extended family are devotees and he has since then lost most, if not all of his community because of this. He ran away from home so that his parents would understand the resolve in his decision. Z looked to watching stream and playing games to keep himself sane, as he contemplated suicide.
2017: We met and got together when we were 23yo (Z) and 24yo (me). He was about to start Chinese Studies at Nanyang Technological University (NTU), while I was a graduate from Art, Design & Media from NTU. He have attempted to enter Psychology for the 2 years during his gap years and didn't manage to. He was offered Sociology and Philosophy in those 2 years, but he rejected them because he only wanted Psychology. In the 3rd attempt, he was only offered Chinese Studies and he took it because there was no other choice. During this period, Z's mom was diagnosed with late stages of breast cancer and was going for treatments.
2017 - 2018: He absolutely dislike Chinese Studies and couldn't see himself doing it for the rest of his life. He didn't want to be a Chinese teacher or a translator (or anything to do with Chinese really...). This is when he learned about software engineering from one of his close friend, Y while in university. They shared a room and Z would help Y with his homework because he really enjoyed it at the time. He is really good at it, he even coded a game just by self-learning. That's when he decided to drop out to pursue programming. By then, his mom is still going for treatments and is nearing the last few years of her life. Z wanted to show his mom that he can make a living and take care of himself before she pass on, so that she don't need to worry about him.
2018-2019/2020: Z took a 3 month full time course in Software Engineering and excelled (I took the same course later on and realise how challenging it really is). During this 3 months, he was able to complete all his work before heading home and we could still go on dates (that is pretty insane, in a good way). After completing the course, he went on to get a job in Software Engineering and has made leaps in his pay grade in less than a year. In the second company he worked in, he wanted to work in the area of Computer Science and his superiors gave him the autonomy to do so. In both companies, he worked in them for less than a year and does not invest time in building relationships with his colleagues. He did not enjoy what he did in his day-to-day. He felt that he is working to realise someone else's dream and didn't see a point in doing so, hence he quit. By then, we rented a place and were living together as we wanted to experience how it is like living together and supporting one another as a team. As his mom's condition deteriorates and his siblings' (1 younger brother, H and 1 younger sister, L) performance in school remained bad, he contemplated moving home because he couldn't get his mind off of them and how by pursuing his own life, he is neglecting theirs, especially his siblings.
2020 - 2021: After we moved back in with his parents, he tried taking care of his mom in her later years and gave a portion of his earned money to provide tuition at an established tuition centre for H who is retaking his O levels. H scored badly for his O levels the first time and decided to retake it again. However, despite Z's efforts, the admin from the tuition centre called to let him know that H did not turn up to class for 1 or a few times. Z was absolutely infuriated and their relationship took some time to rebuild since. Upon retaking his O levels, the improvement in his grades were really insignificant, which made Z confirmed the fact that despite his efforts, there were no results and it was a waste of resources. During this time, he was not in the best relationship with his sister, L either. Z loves Dota 2 and have played with his church friends during his teenage to adolescent years, this is also the period where he wanted to give going pro a shot. He has always played games very strategically and love to think of ways to outsmart the games and to find small ways to play that would make a huge difference in late-game. He is a fan of watching pro games and learning from them too.
2021 - 2022: Z's mom passed on. He struggled with guilt, thinking how things could have been if he was closer to his mom and she opened up to tell her about her cancer when it has yet to reach later stages. He quickly puts his focus on his siblings and make sure that they are steered towards the right direction. Thankfully, his sister, L did well for his N levels examination and was able to proceed on to select a course she is interested in, while H studied Nursing due to lack of options for polytechnics. All the while, Z's dad is a very absent parent and did not care much about his children. Z redirected his focus from pro-gaming to health and nutrition. His mom's demise has made him more aware of how bodies work and he invested a lot of time and efforts in learning all the knowledge he can get his hands on regarding health. This is also the time when Z decided to take weekly walks with his dad so that his dad gets at least a day of exercise in, so he can lead a healthier lifestyle. We still do it till today.
2022 - 2023: When Z started to go into health, nutrition and health full mode, he adjusted his sleep schedule from being a night owl to a morning lark. He would sleep early, wake up early, exercise and we cook so we can eat more nutritious foods and he stopped gaming. Everything seem to be going well, but Z wasn't sure he wants to do this for a prolonged period of time, after all, gaming was his first love and not doing it for so long made him feel absolutely miserable. We have talked about his before and it is challenging to find a middle ground for most things because Z is more of an "all or nothing" person rather than "finding a balance."
Fast forward to today, Z has not been working since 2019 - 2020. He has made tremendous progress in his familial relationships as he spent efforts mending and building them. However, the attitude of "not prioritising family" is very much ingrained in his family members and it is challenging to get them to reciprocate on the same level. I think of all, Z feels the most disappointment in me because he feels that I am ungrateful for the support he has given to my artistic pursuit thus far. I guess this is the story for another day or when you can speak to him on stream. I can only hope what I have been doing so far is helpful in a small way... Last night he was sharing how he feels like attempting to commit suicide because that feels like the best way to make an impact. I don't know what else to do or say because I don't think I am equipped with sufficient expertise and knowledge to steer the course well... I mean, watching healthygamergg videos can only help so much, and not as much especially when I am overwhelmed myself...
About me Feel free to call me C. I majored in Visual Communications and graduated from NTU. I am now working towards being a full time artist and work part time in a social enterprise to put food on the table. Apart from juggling this aspect, I am the primary person for doing the chores in our day-to-day. My dad passed on last Dec and life hasn't been the same since. Despite making progress in my career as an artist, there are days where I struggle too. Looking at Z's situation, most times I won't share about my struggles much because to him, it may just seem as trivial issues while he is trying to get his life sorted out.
I believe in Z and see us doing life together, but I really don't know how long more can we live with this continuous "pivoting" in plans in terms of work... I really need help because I don't know what to do anymore and I honestly think having someone who has psychology expertise will get through to him better than myself. Carrying this load is pretty heavy and when I attempt to share it, it doesn't come off the right way... Looking forward to your response. To anyone who is in a similar situation and who happens to read this, you are not alone and despite all these, I really think things can get better—we got this.
I really hope Z can be invited to talk about his experiences on stream, help others who are going through the same and make more connections in the HealthyGamerGG community because he needs it.

I am not the OOP. The OOP is u/WholePomegranate5342 posting in TrueOffMyChest
Concluded as per OOP
1 update - Long
Original - 13th February 2024
Update - 9th May 2024
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My Parents Tried to Screw Over My Dying StepMother, Blew Up All Of Our Lives Instead
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TLDR; My bio parents tried to screw my terminally ill stepmother out of trust fund money, but she caught on and now no one on my side of the family gets anything.
Throwaway for obvious reasons.
My (17F) stepmother "Jane" is a wonderful, wonderful woman. She and my father got married when I was 4, and she's been a rock in my life ever since. My mother was always my primary caregiver, but up until that point her relationship with my father was acrimonious and I basically never saw him. Jane was the reason they developed a stable co-parenting relationship, she encouraged everyone having a good relationship with each other and was always there to support me and my mom when things got rough.
Jane was always a really hard worker. When she met my dad, he was living out of a hotel and my mother was doing everything in her power to keep me away from him because she was petty and angry that their relationship didn't work out. Meanwhile Jane had a great job, a nice house, helped my dad get back on his feet, negotiated a visitation schedule with my mom (who hated her for a long time), and made sure my dad sent us money every week because neither one of them could afford an attorney to negotiate child support payments. Jane had no reason to do any of these things but as I got older she made it clear that she loved me as much as she loved my (half) brothers who were born a few years later. I even have my own room in her house because at the time we lived with my grandparents / various boyfriends of my mom and Jane felt that I needed a more stable environment than that. She's like the opposite of the evil stepmom.
When I was 15, Jane won a big lawsuit against an airline company and got awarded upwards of a million dollars. She used the money to build sizable trust funds for me and my brothers so that we would be taken care of later in life. Despite having a lot more money she still wanted to live a fairly modest life, so she paid off the house she has and has been living there ever since with my dad. Sure she bought a new car and they went on a few nice vacations but she didn't blow all her money on stupid things, which I respected.
About a year ago, things started getting really weird. Whenever I saw Jane she seemed to look sicker and sicker, but no one would tell me or my brothers why even though I know they knew. All we knew is that she was at the hospital a lot. Around the same time, my mom has been coming around my dad a lot more and acting really strange, basically like she was trying to romance him. Whenever Jane was in the hospital my mother would insist on spending the night at their house and playing mom to my brothers, which was so weird to me because she never liked them or Jane. She'd be the perfect little housewife and my mom is NOT like that at all. It was super fake.
Worst of all, my dad started falling for it. I'm not stupid - I'm pretty sure they were sleeping together. I tried to shield my brothers from it but they're not dumb either. I tried talking to my dad too but he insisted it wasn't like that.
Then a few weeks ago, my mom started talking about all the places she'd like to visit, how she wanted a new car and was looking to invest... which is weird because my mom has been a bartender her whole life and has lived paycheck to paycheck since before I was born. She was acting like she was about to get a lot of money, which started to make me really suspicious. Between Jane being sick and my mom acting all nouveau riche, I had a lot of questions.
Finally I decided to visit Jane in the hospital and ask her about my trust fund. I found out that if anything happened to her, that my dad would inherit all the money including full control of the trusts for me and my brothers. She asked me why I was so interested in the trust fund so I told her what's going on with my parents and how my mom has been acting with my dad. I didn't want to but after everything she did for me, she deserved the truth. It really hurt me to break her heart like that, especially once I found out that she was basically in hospice at this point because of irreversible kidney failure. She's only got a few more months. We both cried so much.
Then, two days ago everything came to a head. My mom stormed in furious and started arguing with my dad. Apparently Jane met with her lawyer and changed the trust so that my dad would get nothing and all of the trusts would be controlled by my step-aunt. She demanded to know how Jane found out about their relationship and I came out and told them that I told Jane everything. I told them that if they wanted to play stupid games they would win stupid prizes and that I wasn't going to let them screw Jane over after all the help she gave my family when she didn't have to.
My mom slapped me and my dad just looked so defeated. Then my mom told my dad that she didn't really love him, that she was just pretending to so he would marry her and she could get all of the money. The worst part about it is that my brothers witnessed the whole thing and now on top of their mom dying they have to deal with a cheating dad and his vindictive ex. Our whole family is in ruins and I feel like it's my fault even though I know it's not.
Yesterday I visited Jane again and told her about the fallout. She apologized and said that she had to dissolve my trust fund to make sure my mother didn't get a hold of the money, but that as "her oldest" I will inherit the house/property after she is gone and that's worth more than the other two trust funds combined. My father won't get anything because she's going to divorce him before she dies, and honestly I'm happy for her. She made me promise to take care of my brothers and told me that once I turn 18 this summer I can kick my dad out of the house if I want to. And I FULLY plan to do that btw.
I haven't talked to my dad since and I can't even look at my mom. I can't believe they would conspire to do this to Jane after all this time. Just proof that they deserve each other and I'm embarrassed that they're my parents. Once I turn 18 I'm going to cut my dad out as much as I can and cut my mom out completely. I hope she rots. Meanwhile I'm going to try and be at the hospital as much as I can until Jane passes away.
Anyways. I just needed to vent. I'm really messed up about the whole thing and I feel super betrayed, although I can't even begin to imagine how Jane feels. I'm gonna be so f-ed up when she dies. I can't even think about that right now. But at least she's not surrounded by people who just want to bring her down.
Thanks for reading.
Edit: Some people are asking a lot of the same stuff so I'll just clarify here --
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My brothers -
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My plan is to use some of the estate money fight for guardianship for my twin brothers so that they can live in the house while I kick my dad out. If I can't get guardianship then I will have to let my dad stay in the house. However once I turn 18 I will technically be an adult so even if my dad leaves I'm still legally able to be responsible for them. The only thing I won't be able to do is stop him from taking them if he leaves. But they will be 18 in six years so even if they do have to leave they will always be able to come back whenever they want. In a perfect world my dad would just leave and let my brothers stay with me which I'm sure my bio-mom would be very supportive of because right now she hates all of us and I doubt that will change anytime soon.
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The trust -
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from what I understand, my brothers will inherit 1/3 each of the estate and the remaining 1/3 will be used to keep the house running until they turn 18. After that it will be up to me if I want to keep the house or sell it. At that point my brothers will still have money left in the trust so they can branch out or do whatever they want, otherwise I will not sell the house and just pass it on to them or keep it and maintain it myself and they can just stay with me as long as they need to.
(Edit to the edit) So I just spoke to Jane and she told me that the reason she dissolved the trust is because originally it was going to be split 3x between us kids and my dad would inherit the house. She dissolved my 3rd and switched it over to make it to take care of the house maintenance, and instead put the house in my name so my dad wouldn't get it. Plus by doing that at least financially I would be getting a much bigger share (the house is worth about 1.5x the amount of my brothers trusts) I just wouldn't be able to do anything with it until my brothers are 18, which I'm totally cool with. Sorry if I don't have a better answer but I'm just trying to translate what she told me.
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My parents -
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The big fight happened on Sunday and I haven't spoken to either of my parents since, I think they're both at my mom's place right now but that's fine with us because we're all still mad at them so they can stay gone for all we care. I know technically that's not legal to just leave us alone but I've been taking care of my brothers for over a year I can handle a few days while he gets his shit together. Screw both of them.
Hope that clears some stuff up.
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Comments
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Tisanes
I'm so sorry you're going through such a hard time, OP.
The most important thing you've inherited from Jane is a strong moral compass. You could have taken the easy road and ignored everything your mom and dad were doing, but your compassion to Jane is proof you take after her the most.

OOP: Thanks a lot. Yeah when my mom was yelling at me she asked why I couldn't keep my mouth shut and mind my business and I told her "because Jane raised me better than that" and that's when she slapped me. I feel like she's always been threatened by Jane and that was just proof.

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DeerBest3901
I would scream "oooOH TOUCHDOWN"

OOP: Lol that would've been funny but at the time I was more worried about keeping my brothers out of the argument (not that it worked but I tried).

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LighteningSharks
You're a good kid. I'm sorry you're losing the only parent who ever really cared. Jane was meant to be your mama

OOP: Thank you, I've felt like that periodically over the years but Jane always insisted that she didn't want to replace my bio mom in my life because a girl's relationship with her mother is important. I guess she didn't realize that I already had one.

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**Judgement - NTA*\*
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Update - 3 months later
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Hi guys it’s me again, a lot of you asked me for an update on my situation with Jane and my family so I’ve come back with a few things that have happened since I initially posted. I will try to organize this in a way that addresses the major points of last time.
Jane is still alive and doing surprisingly well considering the circumstances. She’s always been a fighter and although her disease has been progressing she’s keeping a positive attitude with everything that is going on. She says she’s grateful that she was able to see everyone’s true colors before she passed so she could go into the next life knowing the truth. We have become so unbelievably close in the past few months and it’s getting harder and harder to know that she’s getting close to the end. She doesn’t ever talk about it though and I know it’s because she doesn’t want to hurt me but we both know the situation so we’re just making the best of our time. I'm also not being completely transparent about all of the drama at home but tbh I don't think she needs to hear all of that.
We did end up having that surprise celebration of life that I planned, a lot more people showed up than I thought but they all got an airbnb near the hospital where Jane is and we were able to take her out and spend some time at the lake near the facility. It was super lowkey which I know Jane preferred and I was even able to get her old college friend to come after I found him on Linkedin lol. We had food and there was music and we played games and it was overall a really great time, except Jane started crying at the end but she promised me it was just because she was grateful.
My brothers are also doing okay, my aunt (Jane's sister) is currently paying for them to go to therapy and they've become a lot more open about talking about the situation. They just turned 13 but a lot of the time it feels like I'm talking to actual adults lol. They've become really independent lately (in a good way) and aside from me driving them places I don't really have to do much for them anymore. Their grades aren't super great but they're not failing and considering the circumstances it could be a lot worse. They still hang out with friends and I'm keeping an eye out for like depression symptoms and stuff.
The situation with my mom is as funny as it is embarrassing tbh. She spent a few weeks ignoring us and then she tried to crawl back into my life basically begging me to let her move in because her lease is about to expire and she has nowhere to go. That convo went about as well as you'd think and she ended up calling me an ungrateful b**** and that I couldn't just ignore her because she's my mom. I told her to get out of the house before I call the cops and to go back to my dad (who at that point was only coming home every few days to "check on us" and grab some clothes.)
After that she tried coming by a few times and when I wouldn't open the door she would lose her mind and start yelling through the neighborhood. After three instances of this I finally called the cops but because I'm 17 they told me there's a possibility that I would have to go home with her since technically I'm a minor and need to be with the custodial parent. I told them no way because I was the only one watching my brothers atm. That led to a whole thing where after a few hours my dad basically showed up and I was allowed to stay there because there was finally an adult present and I'd basically lived there for over a year.
After that the cops firmly told my mom that if she keeps showing up and causing drama (my neighbors confirmed that she'd been there a few times screaming) that they would arrest her for trespassing since technically it was Jane's house and not hers. She left and hasn't tried coming to the house anymore but for a while she would call me constantly telling me I owed her and all kinds of stuff. She's now blocked on everything and anything she needs to say to me gets filtered through my dad.
As for my dad... well, since he's basically required to be here for another 2 months until I turn 18 we've basically just avoided each other. It's not too bad though because I've been heavily relying on guilting him for everything to get my way. For example he was going to contest the divorce but I threatened to kick him out when I turn 18 if he does that so he just signed all the paperwork for a "quickie divorce" and is basically doing whatever Jane tells him to do.
I don't openly disrespect him or anything (he's still my dad) but I've made it clear that I have no intentions on doing anything he says ever again and he doesn't fight me on it. Most of the time he's just in his room and sometimes he'll go back to my mom's but only for a day or two before they argue and she kicks him out again lol. I haven't decided whether or not I'll kick him out yet and we haven't talked about it either so I'm kind of playing it by ear.
As for me, I'm handling everything as good as I can. I found a new job where I make a little more money so I've been focusing on saving as much as I can and just being there for my brothers. Between working and school and visiting Jane I've been so busy I haven't really had time to really stop and think about everything, but I know it'll come. One of my friends has really stepped up and helped me manage everything and I'm super grateful to him for being there for me and my brothers so we'll see how that goes.
Anyways I wish I had something more exciting to share but that's what's happened since my last post :) Thanks again for all the support on my last post.
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Comments
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absxlution
Holy shit, I remember your first post, this is such big pile of horse crap to be dealing with, but you sound so incredibly mature and like you're really taking it in stride. Your parents have really failed you and your brothers here, but I'm so proud of how you've managed to step up to the plate and hold your ground against them. I'm still sorry you have to be the next best adult in this scenario.
It's also great to hear that Jane is still alive, and that you guys got to do a celebration of life with her. I can only hope, when I am at my own end, that I have people who love me this dearly and this deeply. I hope you and your loved ones are able to make some more happy memories with her :-)

OOP: Thank you :) and I promise that as long as you are a good person and work to make the lives of those around you better instead of being a burden you will have many people around you who will love and cherish you.

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trvllvr
Jane was a wonderful example for you and raised you well. I’m so sorry you have to deal with all of this. You are so young and this should be a carefree time in your life. However, I’m glad your brothers have you.
Curious does dad and bio mom work at all? Or they just mooch off Jane and others? I means seems like they have a lot of time on their hands to do nothing, but he horrible people.

OOP: Hi and thank you :) Yes my bio mom works as a bartender most nights, she’s been working at the same bar basically my whole life. As for my dad he works in industrial sales, he makes a pretty decent living but I think most of his money recently has been going towards my bio mom since he never seems to have money to do anything anymore lol

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I am not the OOP. Please do not harass the OOP.
Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments

ok i need to preface this by saying that i have spent like 7 out of the last 8 years of my adult life (that is, out of high school) in long-term, committed relationships.
some context: my first boyfriend i was with for 3 years; immediately after i was with someone for another 2; then was single for about a year and a half, which was my "h*e phase" BUT i was seeing one fwb pretty regularly; finally, i've been dating someone for over a year and things are going swimmingly from their end but i've been thinking of breaking it off during like the entirety of this year.
i have arrived at the conclusion that i just dont love my partners or perhaps that i don't like men. in the past i have questioned if i was asexual because i literally did not feel the need to be intimate with them. my s*x drive is perfectly normal but sometimes i am put off. i have broken up with every person i've been with because i've just decided we both are wasting our time/ "it's not you it's me" type of thing...
however, after so many years i have finally learned that i need to be an individual. im not one of those people who makes my partner my personality (maybe with my first boyfriend at age 17...) it's actually the opposite. i literally need space. i look forward to mornings by myself, away from my partner while they sleep in (i wake up so early for work that i am usually on my 3rd break by the time they wake up). i look forward to my own routine because i just need alone time.
but lately more and more i have been finding myself avoiding them intentionally and i have started to *think* about seeking attention from other people, which is a telltale sign that this relationship needs to end. this person has done nothing drastically wrong aside from a few blunders but i just can't come up with a "valid" reason to break it off. in fact, they are so good to me that i would probably be stupid as eff to break it off. it seems like i'm one of those people who constantly needs a relationship to feel secure but i'm telling you im not. i fall for people and get attached to them, then the spark dies on my end and i have no clue how to rekindle it, and im kind of stuck being "friends who f*ck and say we love each other" for way too long after i've mentally checked out.
i guess my point is, i like this person but i just dont think i love them anymore, and we've only been together for a year. it's a complicated feeling to experience. i want them to be happy and find happiness and i just dont believe i can be a source of their happiness anymore. every time i think about losing them, i get so emotional and i don't want to do it, but its literally not fair to either of us, and they have no clue i feel this way. i guess i'd like to hear from somebody else who has experienced this in their adult lifetime and how they went about being the bearer of bad news. thank you and i hope everyone is doing good <3

I’m not going to be able to get too into specifics here without writing an essay about producers who didn’t just let me down but actively exploited and quite frankly f****d me hard for extended periods of time… bear with me as this story requires lots of context. Thank you in advance for reading.
Background: I have a diverse set of skills spanning multiple departments like G/E, Art and Camera which makes me a unique Coordinator.
It also makes me the Coordinator who has PA-like responsibilities at the same time as handling any actual production tasks or concerns such as negotiating with 3rd party vendors while having to transport gear or even crew. (I know right…)
Big piece of context: Finding reliable and trustworthy drivers is seemingly tough in the LA film industry. Many PAs aren’t comfortable with volunteering for it in anymore and the few who do end up doing end up getting a lot more work because of it… the only downside is that you will always get roped into doing it even if they are dangling the carrot of future growth. Or PRESENT growth. So. There I was… coordinator often getting roped into transpo driver or truck PA. All for $350 flat rates with no adjustments even when asked for.
Keep in mind: This is fast forwarding to my last music video crew which actually was the crew I started with about 2 years ago who wouldn’t take me seriously as a coordinator. I was a loyal and consistent PA for them for a long time working closely with the PM and head of production.
I previously had some rather untraditional yet pivotal marketing experience at an agency which is what got me into wanting to learn more about the production process as well as what the bigger budgets looked like… they never wanted to see my resume and if I’m being honest with myself they never took me seriously. Being the only male in this female dominant department, I received lots of eye rolling and outward impatience while asking relevant questions pertaining to the project so I could do my job properly. (I.e. what’s the catering budget?)
In every work environment I’ve been in I’ve faced an ism or two like many. In music videos it’s both ageism and sexism as well as a refusal to review my resume which would have at least enlightened them to my experiences already having been in or at least assistant to decision-maker roles. There were many sidebars I wouldn’t be included in and I always found myself doing detective work just to figure out exactly what we were doing. If my producer was mad she wouldn’t tell me I would “find out” instead.
I was just a cheap means to an end… a way to fill multiple roles on a call sheet and save an extra day rate. With the lifetime & tubi producedirector I worked with, there was at least some feeling of structure with the consistency of that work.
That being said, he was an angry aggressive gay man who made every day on set combative for all crew members. I hate to point out that he was gay but his background gave him unique tools to get away with some of the most abusive behavior I have had the pleasure of witnessing. He could get away with saying outright sexist and racist shit. Throwing temper tantrums literally screaming two feet away from the face of people. Calling tattooed talent “whores” and lecturing them about choosing a career in acting while having tattoos. You name it.
He had a particular kind of attraction to me and despite handling so many tasks and pulling off a handful of miracles where “Line Producer” started sounding like an appropriate title… he still made it his mission to be the worst mentor you could ever ask for going out of his way to make me uncomfortable. He liked my “Gen Zness” and also combatted with it often since he prided himself on being controversial.
I tried to stay quiet and out of his way but I was a particular target to his shitty behavior.
Honestly, I think he wanted more than a business relationship. I don’t care to get into specifics but let’s just say my “obliviousness” to certain advances he made really frustrated him.
I finally quit during a heated standoff where I was quite literally getting blamed for cleaning up someone else’s mess. Since it was a SAG production we had to use media services and CAPS for payroll… the other producer who was supposedly responsible for all forms of payroll kept saying “I got this” until we were two weeks behind.
I ended up getting dragged into the office like this was my fault when in reality the producedirector was less comfortable confronting his producer. I ended up fixing it for the producer and somehow that allowed the directoproducer’s memory to continue to think that the issue was my fault.
SUMMARY: basically I begged my way into being a PA on music video sets to start. Later on, I got into working on small budget tv films like Lifetime and Tubi films as a production coordinator. Went back into music videos because they finally let me coordinate, (after leaving and getting the experience elsewhere,) and NOW I’m looking for W2 work since I’ve pigeonholed myself with these 2 crews and my old contacts forgot about me or assume I’m “with them.” Politics amirite.
Realizing the unsafe nature of these working conditions, I, like many… am considering a “normal job”. In fact, I’ve been pursuing it aggressively while unemployed these last few months. The music video producer made the deduction that I was overwhelmed when I was simply being overworked.
After being left for dead by this producer I worked closely with, initially feeling like I was being taken under their wing; later feeling exploited… I now wonder if transitioning into film was the worst mistake I’ve made in my career.
Hitting staffmeup and searching for work has yielded nothing despite having plenty of experience.
In reality, like many LA-based film industry professionals; I am also up against the drying up of our market with out of state incentives making it a no brainer to shoot anywhere but here. I’ve assembled and managed remote teams in other states even Vancouver… trust me, it’s cheaper.
In fact, while searching for normal W2 work I’ve come to realize that there is a certain disdain if not animosity towards film industry people in the job market. Some don’t see it as real work experience, others can almost puff out their chest and act as if I am an egotistical person by default without even having heard me utter a single sentence.
I feel caught between a rock and a hard place as I am actively trying to get out of independent contractor work and into a work environment that actually values my contributions. Yet, my recent experiences have me dead in the water.
Any similar stories, thoughts on how to overcome, or rants about production are welcome here…
Thank you for reading!

made this for my narrative essay in american literature, but one of my friends said i should share the story
“But I Still Need You” Throughout my life, I had always fallen easy for girls. The elementary mindset of, “she’s cute, so I have a crush on her,” prevented me from developing a legitimate relationship with any girl I tried to talk to. The few times that my feelings were reciprocated, I had no idea because I was already on to the next girl, and this continued until I was left with a multitude of friend-zone situations and a list of “crushes.” My charisma already lacking, it seemed each year that passed, previous to 3rd grade, I grew in weight and therefore awkwardness. The struggle to interact with women lessened as I grew up, while the fat remained. So, by the 8th grade I was the ideal guy friend; easy to talk to, kinda funny, understanding, and unintimidating. My approachable “funny fat friend” nature had its ups and downs. While guys, for reasons I still don’t fully understand, suspected me to be gay, girls found it intriguing and it made them want to be friends with me more. Back then I didn’t know, but now I know that by being forced to be friends first, after finding out I was in fact not gay, the right woman for me would want to be with me for my personality. In the winter of 2021, I fell hard for a girl named Madeline. Maddie was no different than many of the other girls in that she had a bland personality and I thought she was cute. She had brunette hair with bangs, big glasses, way too much makeup on, and a unique fashion sense. Her sense of fashion was one of the few interesting things about her, yet it was disregarded by the public. Not too many guys found her appealing, but I did, for whatever reason. I was dead set on getting to know her better in hope of becoming more than friends. Unfortunately, she hardly paid attention to me, but I didn’t give up. I merely slowed down because of my interest in her friend, Isabella. Isabella is the Spanish and Italian variation of Elizabeth (derived from the Hebrew name Elisheba). The meaning of Elishiba can be translated to, “God is my oath.” In Arabic, the beginning of Isabella, “Isa,” is the classical Arabic name for Jesus, while in the French language, the shortened version of Isabella, “Belle,” translates to “beautiful.” I had met Isabella in the sixth grade, and grew a tiny crush on her, in the elementary sense, before we all went into hibernation (COVID). I barely knew her though, and she had no idea who I was, so when we interacted in my last two classes, if we did at all, it was like two strangers who kept running into each other. I sat by her in my sixth period, and one seat up and to the right from her in seventh. We only ever made small talk and the occasional joke, but when I spoke with her I felt content. Still barely knowing her, all I could admire was the little things in the way she laughed and spoke. I longed to know more about Isabella, she was mature, intelligent, and very opinionated, but still light-hearted and made time pass at the speed of light. It wasn’t until she was in my group in sixth period one day that she began to open up a little by sharing the details of her current long-distance relationship. The shards of my heart stabbed and crushed my stomach; hope, the oxygen to my mind, depleted faster than the air of a broken space shuttle; palpitation, nausea, asphyxia, and neurosis bombarded me like Persian arrows on the Greeks. Then, all at once, the excruciating tidal wave evaporated, but instead of calm waters, I was left with a drought. Every emotion muted or gone, my body went numb while everything I cared for vanished from my mind. I didn’t speak throughout the rest of that day, and went directly from the bus to decaying in my bed. I was devastated, so I retreated to my pointless crush on Maddie. Unrelated to the rather sad lovelife, my anxiety and depression worsened throughout 8th grade, and while I was going to therapy, most of my issues wouldn’t and still haven’t been worked through. Throughout the school year I had developed a toxic system of self pity, in which I would spend hours a day cycling through the feelings of hope, anger, and despair- never that of joy. I knew what I was doing, gathering enough hope to face the school day just before I reflected on the doubts and grievances going on throughout my life. I’d bring myself up just for a greater fall because honestly, overtime I became numb to the natural pain. If I were going to fall into the pit that is depression, the higher I peaked in terms of optimism the more excruciating the freefall of nausea and the heavy flow of salt water. At that point in my life, I saw no point in getting out of bed to do anything, school or even my own mother’s birthday. By the end of eighth grade I had spent almost a total of six weeks absent, two of which were from me being quarantined. Typically over the span of one or two days, others up to four, I would be in my bed “sick.” During these mini-vacations I would sleep all morning, if my mom let me, and stay up all night, oftentimes listening to Radiohead or Cigarettes After Sex while staring at my ceiling. I wanted to stay up, I wanted to feel the bags grabbing and pulling towards my cheekbone, I wanted to feel empty, emotionally and physically. During the day, my anxiety attacks became panic attacks and I would get sent home for vomiting. I'd throw up to give Mom a reason to let me stay home. I’d throw up to feel something, anything. I’d throw up to keep my stomach empty. I’d throw up because I had to, because the nerves and overthinking forced me to. Every morning, I’d drag my black air force ones across cement, carpet, tiles, and marble, each step leading towards Mrs. Clements’ homeroom. For every step, a different worry or insecurity flashed through my brain. But then, out of the blue, I’m “Lincoln” again. I walk into homeroom with an ear-to-ear grin and dap up “the boys”. I’d spend the morning building up hopes of making Isabella laugh today, or maybe calling her once I got home, but I knew that nine times out of ten my hopes were delusional. To “Lincoln,” this was no problem, he would make a gay joke, join the boys with teasing a cute girl in my class, and laugh until just for a moment, the despair was gone. Finally, the sixth period would come and I’d get to see Isabella. In here I got the least work done out of all my classes as I would find myself strategically planning my next interaction with her, just for said plans to go out the window when I was brought face to face with her. Typically seventh period followed the same pattern except Ms. Shirley Davis could never allow small talk in her classroom. When the last bell rang, I went straight to the buses. I’d sleep on the way home, dreaming of a call that would hardly happen. On the off chance my phone didn’t reach its feared 11th cry, we’d talk for hours at a time. On a weekday or not, it seemed that, when we did call, it was guaranteed to go into the early morning. It’s hard to put my finger on a specific topic, or even general. In our conversations, we discussed anything and everything. Everything, except her own love interest. I admired this, as my inability to keep who I’m thinking about at the time a secret is a major flaw of mine. The more that me and her spoke, the more I grew to love her. Our talks were so honest, so raw, that the secret I held began to eat away at me. My core collapsing like a dying star, each day it felt like the pain got worse. To cope with the feelings I had buried deep inside me, I’d turn to my friends. At first, they said to come forward with my feelings, but I knew that’s what any friend would’ve said. The relief I got from venting the conflicting hurricane within me was brief. Overtime, their words of encouragement turned to annoyance, and understandably so. When people grew sick of the same old sadistic untold love, I turned to Isabella. I wrote a text so full that, to read it, one needed to tap on an arrow at the bottom right corner of my message. The essay was compiled with the confliction I had, developing feelings for a friend, and the sorrow that filled me each day that passed without her. I described the perfect imperfections that I admired about her, how life was complete when I spoke to her, the beauty that paralyzed me every time I saw her in person, and the character that I felt God had curated specifically for me. Sitting there unsure if I should press send, a fear grew within my chest that Isabella would see right through me. I could hear the music that so often triggered tears; the vocals of Thom Yorke or the beats of Kanye West, they faded in and out. What if she didn’t even respond? What if she thought I was a creep? What if- then she responded. Suddenly, the ominous 808s & Heartbreak pounding vanished, my respiratory chaos became paralyzed, and time stood still. I couldn’t breathe until I finished reading, and once I did, my sigh was all but relieving. Isabella explained to me how unhealthy my habits were; even in comparison to the anguish that would follow, I’d suffer far more and far longer should I suppress my emotions. She told me how that level of affection, in the context of the warped concept of romance most men had, was something she had only dreamt of. Isabella said that holding these feelings would eat away at me, exponentially increasing in severity, until I broke. Not only would I be hurting myself, but I would be depriving the person I care about most from the appreciation they deserve. I became bloated with fear of the friendzone, those insecurities, all based upon inference, became a reality with Isabella’s last piece of advice. She said, “If she doesn’t reciprocate those emotions, then don’t worry. I’m sure there’s a girl out there who can appreciate your compassion.” The blame had no other place to go than my shoulders, after all, I got what I asked for, advice on another girl. Isabella, even if she saw the crush I had on her, is far too kind to address it. She cared for everyone, and to her, she was merely boosting up a friend who’s down. For the rest of the night her text echoed through my mind; pain, regret, and admiration caused my mind to sporadically leap from conclusion to conclusion. Two years later, those words still haunt me, reiterations of that phrase torturing me when I least expect them. The school year progressed, but my aspirations with Isabella didn’t. Over time, the frequency of my writings grew to be weekly, at times reaching two a week, and the weight of my confessions depleted. I opened my audience to a mutual friend of Isabella’s, Miley, with the intention of acquiring useful advice. Eventually, my choice to try concealing what I felt for Isabella became too heavy of a burden, weighing down on me in forces I had not endured before. Soon, the love I had for Isabella turned to hatred for myself. I was relentlessly criticizing every aspect of myself and my mind. I hated how fat I was, my smile, my voice, my laugh, and most of all my personality. What I had thought was my greatest strength, was revealed as my worst trait. The gullibility I exhibited when thinking for a second Isabella could possibly like me; the lack of confidence that caused me to chicken out of confessing my feelings to her; my insufferable need to make people laugh; the hyperfixation I would develop for those that I love. Everything about me was wrong. I stopped eating, stopped sleeping, stopped caring, and eventually I stopped living. The “Lincoln” my friends had grown to recognize, the only remnant of the joy I felt when I was younger, died, and I was left with only my love for Isabella and resentment for myself. I began testing the limits of what was left of me, praying for relief. At first in the middle of the night, an anaconda would find its way to my throat, wrapping around my neck. Its cold black scales gracefully gliding across my skin before silencing my cries with the swift tug of its metallic USB head. The snake would maintain pressure until I let go of it, the entire time whispering into my ear, begging me to hold on. Some nights it came with what must have been a full stomach for it was drastically wider, it was brown these nights, with leather skin, and a slight warmth, but it behaved the same. Most visits from the snake ended with my vision blurry, my breath short, or my head dizzy. The only consistency of our transactions was Asia’s Death Lake that streamed down my face from start to finish. Eventually, the snake seemed closer and closer to silencing me forever, but I also became used to its visits. I began writing letters to everyone I loved so that, should the snake come out victorious, they’d have a final goodbye. Once I had sorted out my notes, I called the snake to my room. This time it came striped with shades of blue, its skin a soft fabric. For once, I controlled the snake, because our intentions finally aligned. I locked the door, sent out my texts, placed the written notes on my dresser, and joined the snake at my closet door. Holding onto the doorknob, the snake wrapped itself around my neck just as it had done in nights of the past. It whispered to me, “let go,” for I had been on my knees in hesitation. I followed the snake’s order by making a sort of plank with my body, the bottom half resting on a stack of dirty laundry and pillows while the top was supported by my elbows. Pressure swiftly fell down on my neck and didn’t stop. “This is it,” I thought to myself. My eyes seemed to pop out of my skull, and my tears, falling down like summer rain, became blurry dots as my vision went dark. Next thing I know, I’m waking up, snot, saliva, and tears strung between my face and the carpet floor. My head pounding and my eyes burning, I looked up at the “snake” that was the tie my mom had gotten me for Sunday service. Although my mind was more clear, it was not out of revelation, but from a muted sense of the world around me. Other than Isabella, nothing mattered anymore, and the little emotion I felt was squashed by my immortal love. The following day I get called to the counselors office on charges of suicidal thoughts and self harm. I said what I had to in order to escape her grasp, but left infuriated. Not only had my own friends betrayed me, but the lady who was supposed to guide me essentially scolded me for being sad. Throughout the day my anger faded out and my focus became making an excuse as to why my parents got a weird call from my counselor, then I’d find the traitor who sold me out. That afternoon, I lost two friends, and for the first time ever got mad at Isabella. Apparently, Miley, Maddie, and Isabella all reported me to the counselor that morning. They said I had been traumatizing them with what was going on in my life, being normal and messing around at school, then detailing my thoughts and actions to them outside of school. I felt like I had been tricked. I thought they were my friends. I thought they understood me. They asked me if I was okay, they said they wanted, cared, needed to know, but now I had scared them? I addressed what had happened with Miley first. She immediately lashed out at me, saying I should be thanking them, not be mad. While I didn’t want to accept it, I understood the core of her choices. On the other hand, Maddie’s response to my confrontation was disgustingly cruel. She said I had been unfair and just seeking attention, that no thirteen to fourteen year old should hear about what I was going through because it was unnatural. Before she continued, I apologized, that’s all I could think to do, because deep down I believed her. She told me it wasn’t all my fault because my brain was messed up, and that opening up to the girls would only make them not want to be friends with me. The one word that rang through my head then, and still does today, was “creep,” she claimed that what I felt wasn’t love, but I was just mentally unstable and creepy. Any remnants of the sweet kid from elementary school who just wanted a friend and loved everyone were obliterated. Maddie was right, all I had done was hurt and scare them, it didn’t matter what I thought. I told her all I could, that I didn’t know what to say other than I was sorry for the damage I had done, and I would try and get better. Her response, like a branding iron on my mind, was, “It’s not damage, it’s baggage. Imagine if the roles were reversed.” It was only then that I stopped texting back. I wish I could say it was out of frustration or self respect, but the reality of my manipulative traits is what silenced me. Shockingly, the response that hurt the most was from Isabella, yet it somehow meant the most to me too. Isabella told me that she needed me in the world. She told me that if I ever got those thoughts again, to think about her as well; to think about the pain I’d be causing her; to think about the trauma she’d live with for the rest of her life. After repeating the phrase, “I need you in my life,” she acknowledged how selfish it was, but still didn’t care. Isabella continued elaborating, she didn’t care because no label of selfishness outweighed the value of my life. What she said that night has been vivid in my mind since, but my only wish is that she had needed me as I needed her. Tears began to hide my freckled cheeks as I texted her about how much her words meant to me, how much she meant to me, and I apologized to her. I said sorry for the baggage I caused, the “creepy” behavior, and any other ways I had wronged her. I said sorry for loving her, and told her I’d do better. She disregarded my apologies, telling me that I could always talk to her because no matter the baggage she could carry, it’d be worth taking the smallest bit off of me. Her words meant so much to me, yet hurt me just the same. I hated myself for it. I couldn’t see a life without an affection for her, it was pathetic. If I truly loved her, I’d let my feelings go, right? What kind of person did that make me? Summer came and went. Hoping that time would kill the crush I had on Isabella, I prohibited myself from contacting her. Instead I spent time with my family and a few friends, but Isabella never left my head. Even when accompanying my dad to Berry College for the Governor’s Honors Program, she’s what filled my head. At first I felt frustrated because before I had come forward to her, she had known about the feelings I had. I came to the conclusion that she had been dragging me along, but even then I knew how easily that thought would be abandoned. First day of High school, I got in touch with her. For maybe two weeks, I maintained a platonic relationship before free falling into the ominous pit once again. This time felt different though, it felt like what I had thought about everyday, for what seemed eternity, could be more than a daydream. We texted each other throughout the school day and facetimed after her cheer practice and my band practice. Eventually, Isabella was falling asleep on call. Before, we’d talk long into the night, and it began to drain the energy out of the both of us. Now, we were listening to music, playing Roblox, watching Netflix, or just sitting in silence. I had never felt comfortable with silence, but she made it seem better than having a conversation with anyone else. It’s a beautiful thing when words aren’t required to appreciate someone. The moment I had the courage to do so, I asked her out to Steak n’ Shake. It’s just my luck that the restaurant was hardly a shell of what I remembered as a kid. At first the conversation was awkward because we hardly spoke in person, but as time progressed so did we. I still remember the tightness of my cheeks as I failed to suppress my ear-to-ear grin. The euphoric nausea and beating heart that disappeared throughout our conversation. I remember the booth we sat in, the fact that she wanted me to swap seats with her because of her creaky seat, the way she giggled, how I fought tooth and nail to pay for such a small bill, the way she smiled when she said, “next time you’ve gotta let me pay,” and the shared excitement for our next hangout. Even though Isabella and I were still friends, even though the restaurant was a disaster, even though the fries were stale and the milkshakes chunky, that moment is one of the best in my life. With how well things were going, I thought that it was my best chance at making something more out of this friendship. So, I shot my shot. I told her that despite my efforts the summer before, she still held a special place in my heart. Isabella responded with her own struggles with recovering from a past relationship, detailing the trust issues and pain she still felt almost a year later. I was yet again, devastated. Then she added that despite her own feelings, she had to be careful and the risk of losing our friendship scared her. I understood her reasoning, but it made me sick to think of how close I was. In response, I expressed how I could relate to those feelings, and the conflict I had with them. It felt ridiculous having opened myself up once again, to just be friendzoned. Her response struck me with both hope and devastation, “I f*cking love you a ton Lincoln, but I’m struggling to differentiate my admiration as a friend and as something more. I’m terrified of losing you.” Previously I would have seen this as a sign to keep trying, but at that moment, I couldn’t see past the blatant friendzoning. After pursuing her for so long, it felt cruel of her to continue dragging me along like this, even though she was being honest. My reaction to the straw that broke the camel’s back is one of, if not, the biggest regrets in life. Homecoming was a little over a week away and she was going (as friends) with my buddy, Davis, so in a storm of hatred for myself and the situation I was in, I gave up on her. Our conversations grew to be minimal and far apart. Soon, I started to resent her. Each day since then, I have somehow felt more remorse than the last for not asking her to Homecoming. Homecoming night is when I began flirting with Claire, a sweet redhead from gym class. We connected on not going with the person we had hoped for. All it took was me joking that I should’ve spent more time around her, instead of leaving the dance early, for Claire to lose her mind. Over the next month or so, I was becoming closer and closer with Claire, despite her irritable “quirks”. I only spoke to Isabella if she reached out to me first with the only exception being when I would ask her for “advice” about Claire, which was a shameful habit I started as petty revenge on Isabella. Eventually, Isabella blocked me on Snapchat, but it didn’t matter. Things with me and Claire were going great, she made me feel like I didn’t need to starve myself to be good enough for her. She made me feel like I was enough. For the next two and a half months, life was great. After the first couple months of ignorant bliss, I was sick of her. Sure, there were a variety of reasons to find her annoying, most people I knew could list more than they have fingers and toes, but she didn’t do anything wrong. I shouldn’t have gotten into the relationship in the first place not only because of Isabella, but also the speed at which me and Claire started dating. She was still growing out of the elementary relationship phase, so while it was nice to connect with someone so quickly, it was rushed. Another issue being that I was her first real boyfriend, the baggage that followed me was detrimental to her and I couldn’t give her the attention she needed. As me and Claire began our month long drift apart, I was unblocked by Isabella. She and I caught up, and we quickly began to talk trash about Claire while on call. It was unbelievably toxic, and I’m embarrassed of how I handled things to this day. Eventually, with the support of Isabella, I decided it was time to break up. The only issue was the guilt I had in such a terrible choice, I could never do it. So I began to get more distant by the day, ignored texts and calls, and stopped walking her to classes because “I had to pee.” Eventually she caught wind of my plans and called me after school one day. Sobbing, she told me what she had heard and how she knew it wasn’t true, but it still worried her. I began to get ready to break the news, but she was already crying so what's the worst that could happen? I wish I had never asked myself that, because next she told me she’d been cutting herself. My heart sank in remorse for what I knew I would do. If I led her on longer, the aftermath of my cold actions would lead to even more catastrophe. I was scared, but knew the lesser of the two evils I had to pick from. I calmed her down, quickly notified her friends to be keeping an eye on her, and then dumped her. To this day, I am disgusted by my actions. Throughout the past three months, Claire expressed how she had loved and trusted me, yet I threw that all away. There are so many ways I could’ve handled the situation differently, but two stood out the most. Showing respect by speaking to Claire the moment I realized my feelings had fleeted was the bare minimum that I disregarded, but the second was far simpler. I had known from the start that I was still in love with Isabella and that love never faded, but was only suppressed. The entire relationship we developed, while we both enjoyed parts of it (her more than me), was a lie, and essentially a cruel joke played on Claire. There’s no excuse for my actions, and even worse, I could’ve cared less back then. It was only when time had passed that I began to understand the damage I had done. Without Claire holding me back, my newfound freedom led to a closer friendship with Isabella. I dove headfirst into the familiar pit all over again. A friendship was not enough, I appreciated every interaction I had with Isabella, but my life depended on a future with her. It’s likely she felt this as she slowly began to drift away from me. Before I had stayed up speaking to Isabella, but now I couldn’t sleep out of the tormenting absence of her voice. The only path to good health was time; distance was best for the both of us, and I knew it. For the rest of that school year, everything around me was going, but I stood still. It was like my life was just a sitcom, and I was no longer the main character. The summer that followed was just the same, I was living but dead, moving but still, speaking but silent. I was dissociating from my friends and family, but the absence of that violent snake made my depression insignificant. Living a life without her was more punishment than death itself, and I didn’t deserve relief. Even now, I think of that summer and remember almost nothing, for my life isn’t worth remembering without Isabella in it. Sophomore year began, and so did my conversations with Isabella. This go around, I was subtle with my feelings for her. The excitement I had for speaking with her was under control, but it was because the spark inside me had faded, even when it came to Isabella.The years of self pity and depression had left a toll on me that could never be reversed, and it didn’t help that Isabella began to build a relationship with another guy. When we spoke, if we did, Isabella’s concern for my mental state outweighed the friendship we were struggling to preserve. I had come to the conclusion that pursuing Isabella would only make things worse, and I needed to just be her friend. Since I couldn’t lose the feelings I had for her, I just sat in them. While I sat in the pit, Isabella and I had one particular Facetime call in which I brought up how much I regretted dating Claire. To that, Isabella added, “Yeah, she’s so annoying. I can’t remember if you told me why you got together in the first place, what led you to her?” I paused with the thousand-yard stare of an American private fresh out of West Point. “I guess I was just so disappointed with myself for not being able to go to homecoming with you and being stuck on you for so long that I impulsively got with another girl to forget about my shortcomings,” I said with reluctance and stuttering every few words. She told me that she would’ve said yes to homecoming without a second thought, but I knew she meant as friends. Then, to my dismay, Isabella revealed that whenever I got with Claire, she still had feelings for me. It was me talking to Isabella about how great things were with me and Claire that led her to block me and cut contact with me. The piano melody from “No Surprises” by Radiohead began looping through my mind as tears ran down my face. I forget how I ended the call, but once I did, I broke. I lost my breath, my head got light, my eyes became blurry, my stomach was nauseous, and my insides sank as far as they could. Everything I wanted, dreamed of, needed had been so close, and I blew it. Everything was my fault. Later I would ask her why she lost them, and her answer proved how much better she was than me. Isabella answered, “I had been hurt, so I moved on. Just got over it.” We hardly spoke anymore, but one text message has found a permanent home in my mind. After asking me how I was, Isabella wasn’t satisfied with, “it’s complicated.” She asked that I explain it to her so that she could try to understand. I told her about all the issues going on in my life, except the torch I still held for her. She wrote, “I know you’re not religious, so it may not mean anything, but I pray for you every night, Lincoln. Even though it sounds bad, I think that I've known you weren’t in the greatest mental place for a while. I want you to know I'm not judging you, I want you to feel comfortable enough to share that with someone. You have to be able to recognize how you’re feeling in order to even fix it.” These words broke me despite their simplistic appearance. Reading that she prayed for me hit me hard as she had always tried to get me to believe in God again. I’m agnostic, and nothing has come closer to bringing me back to faith as Isabella did. The idea that if God were real and I could see her in heaven was appealing, but should Christianity be the wrong choice, I wanted to be wrong with Isabella. In the following days, Isabella told me about Alex, a guy she had been talking to a lot, and how they were at most a month away from being together. I hated everything about Alex, which is a stupid name in the first place. I hated his choice of friends, I hated how white-washed he was, I hated how he dressed like a conservative cowboy, I hated the underbite that made him look like a pug, I hated his short curly hair, I hated the fact that he was a diehard Trump supporter while people of his race were being oppressed, I hated how he pretended to be someone else when he was around Isabella, I hated how he hid unhealthy habits from her, I hated that a guy like him garnered Isabella’s affection when I couldn’t. I barely knew the guy and I was wasting my energy with hatred for him, when in reality, he was just a mind-numbingly basic douche among the hundreds just like him at our school. Isabella regularly complained about Alex, but hardly did anything. Instead she stopped bringing it up, saying that talking about her issues with others only makes it worse and that she was just wining. The monotone delivery of her reasoning hurt my soul, it was like she was reciting a text from Alex. Each day that passed, I felt the urgency of expressing my feelings one more time rising. Soon Isabella and Alex would be official, and I would lose my chance to try and express how I felt one more time. I reached out to Isabella and asked if she was free to hangout that friday. On November 10, 2023, Isabella picked me up around 5:30 in the evening. She kept the inside of her SUV looking brand new in contrast to the familiarity of her smile. My nerves left me winded after every sentence and shivering in her passenger seat. Quickly our conversation became more natural as I cracked jokes to ease my anxiety, but my shaky breathing never stopped. We went to Publix to grab some snacks and drinks and headed right back to my neighborhood park. At the Grove Point Park, we found a swinging chair to sit in. Due to the time of the year, the sun had already set, but Isabella’s beauty was indifferent under the moonlight. I haven’t the slightest clue how long we sat there together. When I’m with Isabella, even Father Time gives me grace, for he knows that he is as powerless as I am to the frequency of these moments. After a while, I mentioned that it was getting late and she agreed. On the ride back to my place, I mustered the bare minimum of strength it took to confront my feelings. As she drove over the speed bump before entering the roundabout, I began to open up. I briefly told her that I still felt the same way I did two years ago, that I had tried to forget about the feelings I had with no success, and that I was sorry to once again ruin our unstable friendship. She told me it was fine and my feelings were natural, nothing to regret or be ashamed of. Her words meant nothing to me this time because I had already heard them. Defeated, I paused for a moment, then said, “Isabella, you reciprocated my feelings in the past, so after Alex, do you think that maybe we’d have a chance?” She looked at me with pain in her eyes, not for herself, but for me. She quietly said, “I- Lincoln, you know I can’t answer that. I’m with Alex now, it wouldn’t be fair.” All I could get out was, “Oh- I- I’m sorry. Uh yeah no, you’re uh- you’re right.” Everything in me pulled and begged at my lips to say what I wanted to, but I couldn’t. I still look back on that night and wish I had said the few words I never got to tell her. What if saying them could’ve changed something? Realistically, it wouldn’t have, but the regret remains. I doubt Isabella would have even remembered where my word choice stemmed from. Regardless, the words rang in my head then, and never stopped. All I wanted to say at that moment was, “but I still need you.” Today, 1,725 days since I first saw Isabella, 822 days since I first facetimed Isabella, and 178 days since that heartbreakingly beautiful night, I still love her the same. Looking back on my experience with her, I regret many things (oversharing, Claire, the snake, etc.), but the one thing I have never regretted was meeting and loving her. It was only recently that I realized that loving her has been one of the biggest mistakes in my life. For three years, day in and day out, I’ve thought about her. Three years where I could have met other people, worked on myself, enjoyed my friends and family, but instead I’ve loved her and nothing, nobody else. The one lesson that was essential for me to take away from my experience was impossible. In eighth grade I was 5’7 and 215 lbs, today I’m 5’10 and 165 lbs. In eighth grade I spent time with my parents, today I hide in my room. In eighth grade, I told people how I felt, now I’m too scared. In eighth grade, I talked about my depression, now I am left alone to deal with it. In eighth grade, I had many friends, now I rarely speak to them. In eighth grade, I needed Isabella, but the one lesson I should’ve learned never took effect. I still need her.

Wordle 1058 3/6* Grade: B+ (89%)

Guess	Result	Words Left	Answers Left	Skill	Luck	Info Gained	Grade
ACIDS	⬛⬛⬛⬛⬛	1770	379	75	8	22%	F
TENOR	🟨🟨⬛🟨🟩	7	4	98	74	83%	A
OUTER	🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩	Win!	—	99	87	100%	A+

https://gradle.app/#SN5BnUY5KCWoRSHT
Wordlescope's guide animal: Brazilian Rainbow Boa
🏆 Golfle 1058: Birdie 🐥
🏌️‍♂️ ⏝◦ ⏝◦ ⏝◦ ⛳️
⚪️⚪️⚪️⚪️⚪️ 🟡🟡⚪️🟡🟢 🟢🟢🟢🟢🟢
https://wordle.golf
Ongoing Golfle score (Par = 4 guesses):

Time Period	Number of "Holes"	Score
March 2024	31	−21
April 2024	30	−24
May 2024	12	−10

What would Scoredle do?
Wordle 1058 3/6* Grade: B+ (87.2%)

Guess	Result	Words Left	Answers Left	Grade
SLATE	⬛⬛⬛🟨🟨	299	72	D
TENET	🟨⬛⬛🟩⬛	38	3	F
OUTER	🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩	Win!	—	A+

https://gradle.app/#SN5I4vM6nJUPasiB
What would WordleBot do?
Regular mode analysis: Wordle 1058 3/6 Grade: B+ (89%)

Guess	Result	Words Left	Answers Left	Grade
CRANE	⬛🟨⬛⬛🟨	713	122	F
BETEL	⬛⬛🟩🟩⬛	19	4	C+
OUTER	🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩	Win!	—	A+

https://gradle.app/#SN5ChL1UruBNYFi1
Hard mode analysis: Wordle 1058 3/6* Grade: B+ (87.2%)

Guess	Result	Words Left	Answers Left	Grade
PLATE	⬛⬛⬛🟨🟨	436	87	F
RESET	🟨⬛⬛🟩🟨	40	13	D
OUTER	🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩	Win!	—	A+

https://gradle.app/#SN5GYrR9CgECABQB
Double-letter tracker for this month:

Days	Double-Letter Answers
12	0

An unlucky blank start, but my 2nd guess narrowed it down to the answer and OTTER with OTHER and VOTER having been used before. Those 2 previous solutions were also the other remaining possibilities for Scoredle while WordleBot had a very lucky 3rd guess in hard mode and had OTTER and the past answers UTTER and VOTER still in play in regular mode.