Hi!
My PM is giving me a non-renewal and has kicked other tenants out ( I assume because she had a stack of these letters and half of the people in my part of the building are gone since receiving the letter in April)
I'm having a hard time finding an apartment. I trashed my credit due to bipolar disorder and constant job loss due to my illness. I have been in this cycle of paying them off when employed and running them up and becoming delinquent when unemployed. I admittedly listened to bad advice a couple of years ago at 24 to file for ch 7 as this isn't the first time I've been in financial ruin. so I now have a bankruptcy and a trashed credit score.
I also have the issue that I had to live with my sister due to illness and it was her first time renting and she wasnt good at paying her part so we had many times where the rent was late. I recently combed through our ledger and it seems as thought we had a running balance the entire 3 years (although, im not sure because the PM definitely said she was renewing this year because we were never late last year) There is also no way to see who paid what besides combing through bank statements.
ALSO my sister may have to live with me that may cause some problems. Our brother committed fraud in her name. He got evicted from an apartment in her name, ran up peoples gas, and comed. so her credit is wrecked and she won't even do anything about it!
But, The good thing is I have gotten a subsidy for those with mental illness, but my adverse credit/score is getting in the way with big companies. Is there anyone who can recommend companies ,private landlords etc who will rent to someone like me? NOTE: I used to work as a housing specialist for a similar subsidy and I know there are neglectful PM/landlords when people have subsidies. I don't remember what companies they used but I do know that I want to avoid Cagan as they were notoriously hard to get a hold of.
Is there someone you know of that will overlook credit/bk if they know the rent will be paid for an entire year? Also, I'm looking in Uptown, Edgewater, I may even go to rogers Park or West RP (these areas specifically because my sister goes to loyola and I was worried about the trains and coming back down to Lakeview and looking for more diversity) If there are any other neighborhoods that are easy to get to and from loyola as a woman safely and easily by public transit and diverse I would appreciate any suggestions!
I'm desperate a there is a time crunch of August 31st. It just always seems when things go right something goes wrong 😕 This is causing serious stress while trying to do graduate school myself and regaining how I used to feel prior to diagnosis with meds and extremely good therapy! I have realized the traps of credit and what NOT to do when manic to not have this happen again and working on keeping a job through crisis😊
*** sorry for the sloppiness typed fighting through ambien 🤣🤣
*** I am currently unemployed but looking for a job preferably that could pay for school as a current grad student as I'm running out of aid. or I am attempting to apply for SSI or AADB (if anyone knows any tips for this I would appreciate it as well!!!!)
Thank you for any of your help and advice, and guidance 🙏🏽 anything mentioned will be researched and pursued like a bloodhound 🤣

☀️Hello OptimistFam! ☀️
A positive self affirmation is a positive statement that begins with a capital i. Affirmations by definition from the web are “statements that can help you to challenge and overcome self-sabotaging and negative thoughts. When you repeat them often, and believe in them, you can start to make positive changes.”
I started using PSAs five years ago toward the end of grad school, which was a very stressful time for me. I have found a lot of success with using certain ones over and over, and I wish I would have practiced using these starting in middle school. I was a very shy kid, and I could have benefited from saying things such as, “I am very social” or “I am confident, and I will make many friends.” Hopefully, this thread can increase our use of PSAs.
The main purposes of this thread is:
-to help remind OFam members about PSAs. Just by reading the post, your brain will be reminded to say something positive about yourself
-to give examples to our OFam members who are in need of new ones or new ideas of some
-to encourage our community to increase positive thoughts about themselves because you all have so much worth. Never forget: You Are Enough😊even when you may not think it yourself
Sunday evenings can be tough considering the busy week is coming, but the start of your week can be improved with some practice of self affirming techniques
Please comment some of your Affirmations!
Thank you & have an amazing week OFam!

Community College counselor sexually harassed by student
Hi all. Not sure if this is the best place for this but I’m in need of guidance and wanted to see if anyone else has been in a similar situation. Apologies in advance for rambling
I am a community college counselor in CA .I specifically work with formerly incarcerated/justice impacted students. Sometimes my students are coming straight from being incarcerated to school. They are dealing with a myriad of issues including addiction, recidivism, homelessness,trouble finding employment ,mental health issues.. the list goes on.
As a young female counselor, I have from time have my students make flirty comments or ask for my number or social media. I find these instances fairly easy to shut down by saying that I am not allowed to share my private contact info with students or any kind of social media. I make sure to emphasize that it would be inappropriate. I had one incident in November that escalated somewhat but nothing compared to what happened a few weeks ago.
I had an appointment with a young man, about 20- this was my first time meeting with him. His energy seemed slightly off( I assumed he may have been high) but I proceeded with the appt. The first red flag was the he pulled up a chair to sit right next to me. My desk is pushed up against the wall and there are chairs to my left side and one behind me. I have a double monitor set up- Usually students sit to my left , and I turn the one monitor towards them so I can show them relevant info/work on their ed plan. That day my second monitor wasn’t displaying so I thought maybe that’s why the student got so close. Throughout the appt he was very fidgety and kept brushing up against my leg and turning my office chair( the spiny kind) towards him. The movement was just slight enough that I stupidly gave him the benefit of the doubt. I also felt “frozen” in the momen. Anyway we wrap up the appt and I ask him if he had any questions or if there was anything else I could help him with. In that moment, he grabs my face with both hands and kisses me. I immediately tell him to get the fuck out of my office and run over to my supervisor.
That day I filed a report with the campus title IX office. Just this week I got a letter of how things will proceed: interview me,him witnesses, a hearing and then a resolution n.
If you’ve made it this far I guess I’m hoping to receive any type of advice from professors, counselors, advisors, administrators etc who have been sexually harassed by students . What did you do? If you also went through title ix, what was the outcome. Did you press charges through the police??
Thanks in advance for any advice. Maybe I’m being dramatic but this has been tough for many reasons

I've left tech for about two years. I'm trying to make it in a different field, but sometimes I miss the pure joy of coding. But not the drama.
It was a nightmarish 3 years at a unicorn tech company...can't put it otherwise. I still process over the trauma it gave me. I still wonder what I could have done differently, how much of it was really my fault. Maybe I really wasn't a good Software Engineer, and maybe I was really a good-for-nothing crybaby, as they seemed to view me, and deserved all the shit I got. But I can't help feel I was some sort of "scapegoat" of the company, at least the team.
For background, I am an Asian female. I have a BS and an MS in CS from one of HYPSM (this was my first job out of school). But your degree and your ability isn't really that related. I was never really a programming kid growing up, and I kinda went with the flow to choose CS as a major because "everyone is doing CS" (and other practical reasons). That's my fault. Maybe this was the price I had to pay.
I admit I didn't feel 100% capable and skilled at any time during my job. Sometimes I dealt with a lot of brain fog. When your HR isn't helping you, and your manager had the audacity to put you on the same project as the person you reported, how much can you focus on learning the codebase?
Even though I wanted to train myself, be better, having all the emotional baggage really drained me down. I learned it's colossally difficult to learn and improve when you are, well at least you believe you are, not treated like an equal human being by those around you. It was also during the pandemic.
There are too many instances to count. Too many slights, snubs, mansplaining, etc. to go through. But here are just some key dramas that happened:
1.At my first team, the manger was a fellow Asian female. Everyone else were dudes. They barely talked about my "new grad project" which "didn't have a deadline." I was invisible at meetings, so was my project. However, suddenly, they realized my project had a deadline. I found that out, like 1.5 weeks before the deadline. Apparently when my manager said it "didn't have a deadline," she meant "If it's done before the deadline, it ships. If not, then it doesn't ship. Like ever." But the PM (and the Marketing Team) wasn't on roll with that. This had to ship. So I suddenly worked lots of over-hours and worked with the manger to cut down on many spots to make the deadline.
But the manager took no responsibility of the havoc it caused, and I got zero credit for pulling this through (because "you got help from so many people" - really? looking back, that looks like a fairly normal amount of collaboration between people who work on the same, uh, company. And I really wrote all the code...). And also, why would anyone want to work on something for months, knowing it will never ship??? If she thought that was really ok, why didn't she tell that to me sooner???

1. There was an older white dude that kept making icky comments. He would "compliment" my outfit, would ask me to rate the attractiveness of a celebrity, and so on. This caused me a lot of confusion and I couldn't focus on my work (to be fair, these comments were fairly benign compared to the totality of yuck within tech, but as I said, I was a fresh grad so had no immunity to these stuff).

Then one day, when I asked him where he was going to sit, he said "on your lap."
I was shocked. I couldn't focus on anything. I mean now, as I am four years older and four years more jaded, I think I can brush it off. But back then, not at all. This was the company that said they care so much about women and underrepresented minorities. I can't give you too many details, but this company really espouses the point that they are "different from other tech companies" and "everyone is welcomed and respected." They have a really good brand (looking back, it was a borderline cult).
After a lot of thinking (and searching up similar stories on Reddit), I reported this to my manager. The same manager from #1. Her knee-jerk response?
"He says that to guys too," with a smile, as if I am bringing up the stupidest thing ever.
Looking back, she was a borderline psychopath. Not just because of this, but everything that happened during our relationship.
Anyhow, she reported this to HR, because she knew it would look bad on her if she didn't. Now, the HR lady was that typical white HR lady that says she will help you but secretly wants to destroy your soul.
They - the manager, HR lady, many other people I talked to - let me talk about all the difficulties of being a woman in tech. They let me talk about all the instances I felt snubbed for being a woman, not just this on-your-lap dude. They were like “Yeah, bring it all up!" “Call it all out!" “We want to hear from you!" “Our company is different from other companies!!!" Looking back, I shouldn't have. I should have just kept to the point about the dude. I was really just playing the woman card. I wish I knew they were making me talk not to help me, but to collect ammunition to paint me as the good-for-nothing crybaby they had to make me be.
How do I know this? Well, for one - HR never got back to me. I never found out what happened with the on-your-lap guy. When I asked them, like after a year, they said it's "confidential."
And my manager? Well....she said she thinks I have "low tolerance to stress." And she also said that "when you are more senior, you'll realize how wrong you were." (I can't remember the exact wording, but it was basically the same effect, revealing that she never listened to me in the first place.)
And then she put me on the same project as the on-your-lap guy, and we had to work together one-on-one for weeks. Back then, I didn't realize it, but now, it chills me to the bone how much she didn't care.
There are many other instances where this manager gaslighted and snubbed me, even in more professional context, but I have to give too much context. Looking back, she really couldn't stand me. I was this weird thing that came in to her perfect team and was starting to ruin it. She and the on-your-lap guy had worked well together for years - she wasn't going to jeopardize that relationship because of this good-for-nothing-entitled-crybaby-girl. And the HR?? Well, I think they loved the drama. I was just a drama source. Not a human being.

1. After all that happened (+much more), you wouldn't be surprised that I just didn't want to befriend anyone in the company anymore. I just kept to myself, didn't socialize, just did my work. But here's my sin - I wanted to be acknowledged for my work. That was my fault. I should have just accepted my role as the quiet, obedient coding monkey, who has no emotion, and who occasionally provides drama for the fun of everyone -- I shouldn't have dared to think I can be recognized as a competent laborer!! But I wanted to.

And maybe now, and better as I get older, I can practice the elusive art of getting your work done while being undisturbed by all human bullshit surrounding me, but I wasn't able to do that back then. Also the angst from all previous drama hadn't been resolved. I became "sharp, aggressive, hard to work with" -- all the classic things women in tech are called. I became snappy when men started being mansplainy (maybe now, I have the wisdom to just smile and let them mansplain while I mentally plan my dinner). I became angry when too many meetings and interviews got scheduled, leaving me scarce time for actual work (maybe now, I have the stamina to wake up at 5am, get work done "before work," and let them waste my "working hours").
This continued until this young white male joined the team. He was new to the company, but he was about a year or two more senior than me. He talked a lot. He would talk about 90% of the meeting. And meetings would go over 1-2 hours. He had no respect for meeting members' time. If he wanted to talk, we were to be his audience. This irked me (maybe now, I have the inner balance to just politely and calmly excuse myself from the meeting with a plausible excuse).
And then he joined this project me and another colleague had been working on for months before he joined. We would have meetings where he would just talk and talk, and the 30-minute meeting was going on its two-hour mark. And he didn't seem to care. And he was talking nonsense.
One key nonsense was that he was suggesting we import certain third-party data into a "big, giant table." I said that wouldn't be feasible as the third-party data is nested. He asked me to explain. I did. But he wouldn't get it. Actually, he wasn't even listening to me. He seemed hurt that I shot down his idea (and pooped his party) and didn't want to admit he could be wrong. He kept looking for ways where nested data can be indeed imported into a "big, giant table." (A week later, he saw my point.) They all made no sense. I got very irritated. And became...ah, aggressive.
For the next hour or so, I was very snappy. And shot down all his ideas. He got very hurt. And we ended the meeting. Looking back, I should have just zoned out and watched cat videos while he was performing his standup comedy. And then get real work done with the other colleague while barely including him. All the while giving him the ego validation - the only thing he wanted. But I lacked the flexibility to act smart like that.
After the meeting, I felt a bit bad for being so snappy. And I found out he was indeed right for one point he said. He said our X service has Y but I said it doesn't, because it is barely used and I didn't encounter its existence for the 2+ years I was in that company. But it really did have Y (there's little likelihood he actually knew that, he was just spewing whatever came to his mind and got luckily right) so I apologized to him on that point over Slack. Later, my such "apology" would become proof that I was 100% culpable during that meeting. (I realize this is why my manger from Story 1 never apologized. She knew it could be used against her.)
The week of the meeting, and the week after, this kid (I don't know what else to call him) scheduled meetings with me to "talk about that meeting." And we were on Zoom...and I didn't know what to do?? I asked him, "Do you want me to apologize?" He said no. "Should I be nicer during meetings?" He said that wasn't it. "THEN WHAT???" He didn't say anything. But looked at me like I was some sort of psychopathic monster. And these meetings, again, went overtime by a lot. I was, in my working hours, sitting on a one-on-one Zoom, expected to pet and stroke this pouting kid's ego. (THEY never petted MY ego. WHY SHOULD PET HIS??????)
And that didn't end there. Our co-manager (different from Story 1, 2 manager - this one is white male) had multiple 1-on-1s with me (at least three or four) where we talked about "my behavior during that meeting." I asked him the same questions "WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO???? OR SAY????" (I didn't scream this, but I wanted to.) He said "I don't know." But he just sat there, expecting me to say something. Here I was, spending three or four meetings with my manager, talking about "my behavior," given no actionable feedback, but not even allowed to move on to talk about actual work. It was just torture. What did they want me to do? Kneel down and repent??
It didn't end there. The kid gave me detailed peer feedback, basically word salad, where he used all my words against me and painted me as some psychopathic monster. This was going to go on my HR file forever since it was official feedback. He said we were in a "divergent phase in brainstorming" so it wasn't appropriate for me to shot down his ideas like that, which should have been done in a more "convergent phase." WTF????? Never heard those words before. And again, we had already been working on this project for months before he joined.
The same company that basically told me to eat it up when I was getting snubbed (Story 1 & 2), was basically telling me to stroke the ego of this kid. Because what? Because he's a white male??? And I'm an Asian female???
What they wanted to say, was already indirectly saying, was this: “Shut up and eat up all the bullshit we give you.“ Bullshit including bullshit management, bullshit meetings, bullshit brand. But they didn't want to say it, because it goes against their brand. But they still wanted me to get the message and act accordingly. But they didn't want to be the one who says it.
I wish they just said this. Then my three years would have been lot less confused and dramatic. And they wouldn’t have had the grumpy colleague I was. But I guess if they were that transparent, I wouldn’t have joined them in the first place.
This is a brick wall of a post. It got longer than I initially thought. Thanks to anyone that read this far. This still doesn't contain all of the drama I experienced -- maybe about 20%? But this gives you the idea. Basically, I didn't feel like an equal human being. I felt like a scapegoat of sorts, getting hazed for having a backbone. Looking back, I am thankful that I didn't actually go crazy. I mean, they were already treating me like a crazy person.
Women in tech of Reddit. Please tell me. What went wrong? What should I have done? Is this level of bullshit normal? Can I work in tech again?

Hello guys, I am choosing between doing an M.S. in CS and going to industry/doing a Ph.D. in CS. Another concern for me is that in case I choose Ph.D., I steel can quit after two years with a master's program, without paying any money.
Several people told me that typically it is easier to get into a master's program compared to a Ph.D., which makes sense to me since you have to pay for the master's program, while they have to pay you for the Ph.D. program. However, I think that M.S. degrees in CS might be more popular.
One example: on the UCLA grad admission website, they are saying "Admission to the Ph.D. program is more selective than for the M.S. program." However, on the FAQ webpage they are saying that they admitted 140/3200 (~4.4%) of M.S. and 47/960 of Ph.D (~4.9%) 2022 applicants. This seems quite contradictory, but maybe this can be explained by the fact that master's applicants have worse portfolios.
Given all this, could you share your opinion/experience/ideas about which CS programs in top schools are typically more selective: M.S. or Ph.D.?
p.s. my academic background:

• Undergrad in Math in a top school outside of the US (GPA 3.9).
• Master's in Math in a low-tier public school in the US (GPA 4.0).
• Two publications about neural networks as a second author in mid-journals, but both are from 2020.
• Will have a rec. letter from UCB and UCSF Prof.
• Had CS research experience in my master's, and right now I am trying to publish a paper about it.

Hiii! I’m Gabe and I’m 18 years old from Brazil.
This is not asking for advice because I kinda know there’s nothing I can do, but still I want to vent with you because I don’t have any gay friends to hear me trying to make this gay love story happen.
Well, there is this guy, John (18), who was my very best friend, until he said some things that hurt me and we stopped talking about a year before the pandemic.
After the pandemic, when classes went back to being in person, we started talking again and became best friends one more time.
One day, more specifically, the last period of the morning of the Friday of May 21st, 2021, he came out to me in the middle of our geography class! Just to clarify, it was a complete surprise for me, since he always talked about girls and other straight stuff.
In details, a girl threw a paper ball that accidentally hit him. One of her friends joked about her having a crush on him and the paper was a love letter. After we laughed at it, he whispered to me that even if it was true, it didn’t matter because he likes the same “fruit” as her. I was in complete shock and joy!
After that, we never talked about that again, since he only came out to me and didn’t plan to tell anyone else and we were almost never alone to actually talk more about it.
After that, I kinda developed a crush on him.
Thinking about it, why would he only tell me about it? Ok, I was his best friend and everything, but there were more signals.
I can say with property, we were the top 2 students of our class and very nerdy, so we always had this friendly rivalry with grades and answering teachers and other things, and he would ALWAYS pick on me in these situations. I knew that he didn’t hate me because we were friends, because for an outsider it was almost a nerd war lol.
Well, after that, every year on May 21st I always remembered him of his coming out day.
After a year or so, we kind of grew apart and became more distant, still, he would always pick on me and I just loved it! And my crush on him grew each day more and more.
I’ve always been close to everyone in my class, so me his new friends were also pretty cool, which made it easier for me to talk to him even though he didn’t make part of my group anymore. And his friend even offered me to be part of their group, which John “vetoed” and said that everyone but me.
Y’all see where this is going? I started to think that he was avoiding me because he liked me and even though I sound delusional, but it was very clear that, at least, he didn’t hate me, specially in chemistry and math classes, where he would look at me every time teachers asked a question, or on Portuguese classes, where he would always come to me to compare grades.
After all, I can conclude he was trying to avoid me not to (maybe?) rise suspicion about him being gay — a secret confided in me by him and that I never told anyone, EVER!
My world kind of fell in our graduation party, where I finally asked him if he wanted to make out with me, and he said no. Although I didn’t take it 100% as a rejection, ‘cause there were a lot of people there and he could’ve just be shy and afraid (writing that down makes me feel even more delusional lmao, but trust me, he’s very shy socially and his whole family was there).
After that, we still wished happy birthday to each other (so I guess we’re cool?), but other than that, never talked again after school ended.
He still lives in my city, and the thing is, I still have a crush on him after all that! And I really think he liked me too! But I really don’t have the guts to talk to him and, even though I had, I had a very extensive foot surgery to correct a birth problem and I can’t walk or leave home much for the next year almost!
Well, I think this ends here, the post and this almost love story. Even though I’m still trying to create courage to hit him up.
Thank you all for reading! And If you’d like, share your thoughts!
Byeee

Hello everyone,
Two months ago, I was contacted by my current visa agent to discuss extending my visa for further studies in Construction Design. Initially, everything seemed to be going smoothly. They assured me that we would apply to my preferred schools, such as RMIT and Swinburne. They also provided me with admission applications for smaller private colleges, claiming they had connections that could expedite the Certificate of Enrollment (CoE) process within a day. I applied to all the schools they suggested to keep my options open.
However, after the application process, I waited for a month without hearing back from RMIT or Swinburne. The only offer I received was from one of the small colleges they recommended. Feeling pressured, I accepted the offer and paid the tuition fee this week. To my surprise and frustration, after making the payment, my visa agent sent me a letter from RMIT requesting additional documents, which had been sent on May 14th.
I was furious and immediately contacted Swinburne, only to find out that they never received my application. This situation felt incredibly unfair. When I called my agent to request a hold on the CoE from the small college, they shouted at me and refused, stating it wasn't possible without a significant excuse. After a 30-minute call, they sent me the CoE, claiming they couldn't reach college staff earlier.
Now, I am left feeling betrayed and uncertain. I have lost all trust in my agent, who seems to be acting in their own interest rather than mine. With my visa set to expire in a few weeks, I am desperate for advice on what to do next.
Any guidance or support would be greatly appreciated. Thank you for listening.

(T.W.: Parental abuse, control over food)
This is kind of a vent. My partner (23NB) and I (27F) met six months ago in an online lesbian group. I love them a lot, I like talking to them, we get along well, we communicate thoroughly, we have strikingly similar beliefs and life goals, and we're generally compatible. We're dating long-distance (this is important for later).
The issue is their parents.
They're living at home with two abusive parents. They never moved out due to financial reasons, because they had college online and because they wanted to stay around to make sure their younger sibling and an elderly family member were taken care of properly. My partner has such a big heart, but—argh. They don't put themself first.
I can see the effects their parents' abuse has on them. It's some of the same garbage I went through: controlling food intake, verbal abuse, plus much worse stuff that happened when they were a minor that I won't put here. The difference is that I got out as soon as I could. I went to college on the other side of the country for free thanks to scholarships and basically never really went back. I don't have someone yelling at me for eating. I pay my own rent. Grad school gives me health insurance. Yeah, I'm poor, but I'm finally happy.
My partner has to sneak to eat and make sure their parents aren't listening when we have phone calls. They often call me from their car. They have cute date ideas for us each to go to the "same" place together in our different states (e.g., let's go to different locations of the same ice cream chain over video call and pretend that we're not long distance), but they have to tell their parents that they're at some nearby store and buy something from that store as proof because their parents track their phone. (E.g., they’ll go to an ice cream spot that's next to a McDonald's where they are so they can bring their parents back McDonald's and say that they took so long because McDonald’s had a long line.)
I can see them suffering the same way I did when I was a teenager They're anxious even though they’re very smart and capable, they have low self-esteem even though they're amazing, they think they're a bad person even though they're amazing. It honestly brings back some trauma for me, and I'm starting to have PTSD nightmares of being at my childhood home again.
The cherry on top is that only one of their parents knows that they're gay and uses the threat of telling the other parent as leverage over my partner. My partner had to cancel our plans for them to visit me because the one parent threatened to out them to the other parent. It's sad, but also really frustrating. My family doesn't know I'm queer, but they don't need to know: I can go wherever I want without getting outed. (I guess I could go to their state and get an Aironb, but, what would I do? Hang out with them at their work and hope their parents don't come in and their boss doesn't fire them for chatting on the job? They're not really allowed to go anywhere else for longer than an hour or so, and I certainly can't hang out at their parents' house.)
I'm writing about this now because things are at a bit of a crossroads when it comes to my partner's future. They just started a graduate program that lasts for three years, and they have to be in their home state for the last two years, but the first year is online, so they theoretically could go wherever they want. I've thought for awhile that having them move into my apartment for just that year when they're studying online would be a good idea. I know that moving in together this early is generally considered stupid and risky, but we would have separate rooms; I live in an apartment with two other housemates, so l also don't think it would look too gay to their parents. It would be a sort of light exercise in living independently from their parents, since they wouldn't have to buy any furniture or anything, and the one-year expiration date I think would make it feel like less daunting of a commitment. They've been at home for so long that they genuinely don't believe they're capable of living independently (which is a huge red flag for me; l don't want to date someone who hasn't lived on their own for at least a year).
If they don't move out this year and at least try to exist away from their parents in a normal community with normal people their age and more of a queer scene, I unfortunately doubt that they'll move out of their parents' house until after they finish grad school three years from now. If they moved here for a year, on the other hand, I feel as if they could have the confidence to get their own place when they do have to go back to their home state for the rest of grad school. Just being away from people who pepper them with abuse 24/7 would lift a lot of weight off their shoulders, I'm sure. It's not even about us living together as partners; I don't care if we never do anything intimate. I'm fine being literal roommates rather than lesbian "roommates" if it comes down to it. I mean, seriously, they're probably too good for me and would have landed a more attractive and less mentally ill partner than I am if they could actually get out of their parents' house and have a normal "being in your 20's" experience. I just want them to be safe and happy but don't see that happening anytime in the next three years if it doesn't happen now.
My partner initially seemed interested in the idea of moving here, but then they brought up a bunch of barriers, like needing health insurance and a job. I found them a whole list of job opportunities in my area that relate to their field and sent them a bunch of different links, and I did some digging and found out how they could still have insurance. They said thank you and that they would look into the jobs, but nothing is happening. I can't tell whether anxiety is making them think that they're not good enough for those jobs/can't really move to a different state or whether they're just being polite when they accept the links I send them and don't actually want to move in together. If it's the former, I think that's even more evidence that they need to get out of the toxic and esteem-crushing environment that they're in. If it's the latter, that's concerning, because we started our relationship on the premise of healthy communication, and I've asked them several times whether they actually want all the information l've been dumping on them, and they claim that they do. Maybe I haven't made it clear enough why I want them to move in with me and that it has nothing to do with physical intimacy.
I know I can't strong-arm them into gaining independence: that wouldn't be independence, but rather dependence on me. I also try to remind myself that there are other paths to happiness besides the one path that I can see of moving in with me in my state until they can gain the confidence to get their own place in their state. I know my partner cares a lot about financial stability, so l worry that they're putting up with their parents' abuse not only because of self-doubt and the desire to protect their other family members, but also because they can save up money that way. To be honest, I live basically paycheck to paycheck and have kind of a bad sense of how finances work. The family I came from was poor anyway—think homelessness and incarceration poor—so being independent wasn't really financially risky for me. My partner's parents, though, are wealthy. If money is the issue, then I worry that we'll never be together long-term, or that, if we are together, we'll always be living within arm's reach of their parents. I don't want to run from my own abusive family only to be indirectly—or, if we’re together long-term, directly—controlled by theirs.

I am currently doing a MSc, planning on doing an MD or PhD afterwards. Currently I have ~40k in the bank. I want to keep about 15k of it fluid and use it for day to day expenses, travel, etc., and do something with the other 25k so that it's not just sitting and decreasing in value. I've read that it's good to invest in ETFs for this purpose as they are usually a pretty "safe" option that will grow with the stock market (ones like SPY/VOO/VTI). I have a TFSA set up, should I just divide the 25k up amongst these three ETFs or do you guys have other suggestions? Sorry if this sounds really dumb, I have thrown myself deep into reading textbooks and papers to get my degree in pharmacology and now grad school, not much time for things outside of school. Thanks in advance!

Hello, I come in somewhat desperate need of help when it comes to my relationship. Some things have come up that have legitimately started making me question my relationship with my GF of ~3 months.
This comes from a throwaway account, so I'll refer to myself as Shelly, and I'll refer to my GF as Phoneix.
A bit of backround first:
I'm 16 and a half, and I'd describe this as my first "real relationship", I do have Aspergers, so it kinda makes it hard to properly communicate my feelings towards anything, but I don't hold these feelings in either. I'm kind of a nerd when it comes to school and I achieve the highest grades I can, as I was a sophomore last school year (now technically a junior, due to the end of the 23-24 school year). I strive to be successful in my future. I had just moved to a new town where I still reside (I moved in August).
As for my girlfriend, (like I've said, I'll refer to her as Phoenix), she's recently turned fifteen in February. She, unlike me, does not have any conditions that could hinder anything in her life. She is a bit shy when it comes to talking with new people, she also strives to be successful, but hasn't been receiving the best of grades in her ninth grade year (as of now, shes technically a sophomore because of ghe end of the 23-24 school year). She's been in this town all of her life.
As per how we met... We had a class together in the 23-24 school year, it was Theatre-Art Studies, but we didn't actually meet until we were about 3 weeks into the class. Eventually, we met as we were assigned a project about emotions in the class (which was a one on one project), she seemed reluctant to talk to me at first, but as we progressed throughout the project, she seemed more eager to speak with me.
We actually had a funny conversation about each of our families, and she then thought I was a senior, when I also thought she was a junior (because she's really tall, I assumed she was a junior). We cleared it up, and when she found out I was a sophomore, she kinda smiled and told me "You're cute for a sophomore", which completely gave me a shock. (This is because I would never think a girl would call me cute or anything). All I could really say was a simple "thank you", and I told her how shocked I was hearing that. We had been talking so long at that point we realized there was about 5 minutes kept of the class (there's about 41 minutes in each class, and we started five minutes in class). So we rushed the project and turned it in to be looked at the next day.
The next day, I asked if I can sit a seat behind her, Phoenix said it was fine and she exclaimed how much of a nice conversation she had with me and said "I thought I'd never had a good conversation with a boy again, but you proved me wrong". (This will be examined later, as I've had no knowledge of her past at the time). I questioned her on it and explained that it wasn't something that needed to be talked about.
Over the next week, we got more close with each other, and on a Thursday, we were assigned a project about building a movie set with Legos. Being the planner I am, I wanted to construct a plan with Phoenix (as we chose our own partners aside from being chosen by the teacher, who we'll call Mrs. Ness, she'll be important later). I (very awkwardly) asked her for her phone number, and she accepted, and Phoenix began scribbling her number on a torn piece of paper, she gave it to me, and this is how we started talking out if school.
We passed with flying colors on the project, but anyways...
During March, after we had met over two and a half weeks ago, she wanted to talk to me about something, and she asked me if we could sit and talk in the back of our auditorium (where this class usually was held), and we started talking and she said she's had a crush on me since we met, (In reality, I had also developed feelings for her). She admitted all of this to me and said "I wanted to tell you this, and it's okay if you don't like me for doing this" (something that WILL be brought up later). I said that I didn't hate her for doing that, which she kinda refused to believe, but when I said I had feelings for her too, it looked like a wave of relief hit Phoenix's entire body. So we were sitting there, and she says "A lot of people hate me, especially boys in my grade, but you are one of the few that care about me". To which I said I always strive to treat everyone with trust, equality, and respect.
So... as of that day in early March we began dating! But we kept it secret from anyone else, as we communicated mainly over text, we fell for each other FAST. I found her personality to be sweet, she is a genuine, passionate, and beautiful girl. She finds me dreamy, cute, nice, and respectful. So we have love there
One day Phoenix admitted to me over text (and later on in person) that she had at least 9 breakups since 6th grade, which I felt was strange but I pressed her on the topic, she said that was one of the reasons she disliked boys. I later learned that she had (when we had just met) been suffering through her ninth breakup, and she promised to herself that she'd never date again, that was (as she says) until she met me during that emotions project.
As a person who's had poor experiences with girls in general in the past, I legitimately felt the same way about dating, and I had a back of mind thought of "What If I can't date anyone?".
We had a minor fight in April, but all turned out well in the end, but the way it happened (looking in retrospect) really raises a red flag for me. We were just texting one day when my parents came home and I had forgotten to do the dishes, which they had told me to do, so I went to let Phoenix know that I might be a bit doing chores, she accepted the response. At the same time my parents got home they also brought home groceries, which caused me to take longer than expected, then I got finished with everything.
I hurriedly ran to my room to begin texting her again, she was happy at first, saying she was worried for me, but then began saying "How long you took was sus" (and I'll be completely honest, this was the first time I heard this word, so I didnt know what it meant definition wise), so I asked her what it meant, and she basically reiterated that I was suspicious for being gone that long. I told her that my parents brought in groceries and I had to also do dishes, which was something she didn't believe, as she kept insinuating that I was trying to "keep away from her". Which was not what I had expected. But around thirty minutes later, it was all resolved.
This is one of a few things that make me question the situation I'm in right now...
We began having "spicy" conversations, but not adult-themed conversations, we were essentially saying how much we loved each other and we started talking about kissing, in which she asked "Could we have a kiss?", and me being me, I jumped to saying yes. She says "This could be your first real kiss, Shelly". That just made me excited, then the topic of French Kissing came up, and we were actually going to go through with it, that was until Phoenix's mother looked through her texts and advised Phoenix to "simmer" these conversations down. The next day in person, Phoenix said that her mom did not like me and her exactly being together, (which later changes), but she still gave her permission to talk to me (In reality, this was both of our faults because we got too carried on with a rather passionate conversation).
During our relationship, she had said that her bullies treated her really poorly, and she thought that everyone in her grade disliked her, and even suggested her exes hated her too. She said that her previous ex (I'll call him Max, was a freshman), and her former friend (I'll call her Abby, she was a senior) were her main too aggressors when it came to her bullying. Max was her ex, and Abby (like me, has autism) had a following, and would constantly tease Phoenix to the point of her eating habits being absolutely destroyed. Phoenix said that Max had usually said "I wish your past health issue was bad", and that she was ugly and nobody loved her.
Oh, I forgot to mention that she also had a major health issue in the past, but I would not like to talk about it.
However, on a very hot night in early May, the topic of Phoenix's bullies came up again. It seemed like the usual complaint at first, but she... she kept getting more aggressive over text. It was nearing eleven o'clock at night, and as I had taken a three hour nap that day after school, I was nowhere near tired.
She later went on to say that she'll start a fight with Max, and "win it", which immediately tipped me off that something was wrong, and it rose a large red flag and alarms basically blared in my head (later on, she later also detailed how she would also fight two others as well, both of whom I did not know). The things she said were terrible to hear (I'm a pacifist, and I would EVER only fight in self-defense), I kept telling Phoenix to stop, and to reconsider. (I have text records, and... looking at them now... it's very hard to look at.) I literally begged her to reconsider what she was doing, and she said "I'll win this for you, cutie😈", and after I told her to stop again, she said "I'll only stop after today, and just for you".
I was legitimately scared at this point, and I sought to end the conversation, which ended successfully, but that was when I said "Phoenix, if you continue to go through with this, you are breaking my trust, my morals and values as a person will be broken. I know how to fail your plans, even if I won't get physical". This was my warning to her.
It was around midnight now, and I actually got on a text hotline and reported her behaviour, and provided as many details as I could (I swear, this is making me stressed as I right this now). They ended their report and info collecting at one o'clock, and feeling deathly scared, I tried sleeping. I don't know how I got any sleep that night.
It's the next morning, and Phoenix texts me at around 7:40, saying "Hey cutie, sorry I came in late this morning, but I'm going to for sure win that fight. I'll talk to you later, Shelly". I told her, as a last warning, "Phoenix, please don't do this". That would be my last text for the next thirty minutes.
At around 8:10, I got a text asking "Did you report me?!?!" And I spilled absolutely everything on her. I told her that going through with this, she was breaking my trust and every value I had as a person, and yes, I did indeed report you. I told you I could foil your plan (I was saying this as a reference to my previous text to her that night). She said that she hated me, absolutely hated me.
Okay, look, I was very scared here. I was legitimately scared that she was going to do something to harm me.
This is my lunch period, my fourth period, and I immediately ran in to tell my friends to NOT talk to Phoenix at all costs, and I told them a summary of what happened, they all sympathized with my side of the situation.
Now, I'm very fortunate to have Mrs. Ness as one of the lunch supervisors, so I pulled her off to the side and explained everything to her, I even said that I felt completely unsafe and that I didn't know what she could do to me. She asked if we were "an item", but when she defined it for me, I denied anything relating to the sort, but now I care about being safe, and she said that she would help to protect me at all costs. We were presenting our final projects in the class those next few days, and I asked her if I could sit the closes I could to her while staying far away from Phoenix, she absolutely agreed and promised to have my back. (Thank Jesus).
In class, when she presented that day, I absolutely refused to look at her, and since our tables faced one another in the classroom (we were in a classroom to present these final projects), I felt trapped, I quickly glanced at Phoenix a few times, ans I caught her looking at me. She looked absolutely sullen, and I refused to look at her during her presentation, but instead looked at the ground the entire time while she was presenting, it felt like ages. She was done and I finally felt safe.
After school, I received a text "I don't know if you've blocked me or anything, and I don't know if you hate me. But I'd like to apologize for everything and I want to talk with you in the morning". I reluctantly accepted, and when she came up to my breakfast table in the morning, I still felt scared, but I managed to walk with her to my class, where she would hand me a letter (she knew that I loved her writing, it's still adorable to this day). I read it later on and she said she saw she made a mistake, and that she would like to restart our relationship. I didn't consider ending the relationship there, but it was a stark reminder that I was on the fence about absolutely everything.
I love this girl to death, and in the letter she promised me she wouldn't do anything like this again (which she still keeps to this day), and she said she saw how wrong she was for going as far as she did. I later texted her that I'd take some tike to think about us being together (I was being genuine, and Phoenix accepted)
That Friday, she sent me another text, but with different meaning and wording about the apology and clarified that I did the right thing, and she was in the wrong, and she took fault for that. She just didn't want me to hate her (surprisingly, I wasn't finding myself angry or hateful of her, but rather... deeply disappointed.). I guess that made me decide that I would restart everything with her, and I guess we hit it off again. I felt safe again in her presence, and we resumed our normal routine like nothing had happened. At this point, she was a lot more friendlier towards me than ever before. I let Mrs. Ness know that we had made up and said that she was glad we made up.
Phoenix then invited me to have ice cream at a local parlor, and I'm like "sure, I'll absolutely go". We went on June 1st, which was very convenient as a Saturday and after the last day of school. We were enjoying ourselves, I paid for the ice cream, absolutely everything went well. I even met her mother (at this point I had legitimately forgotten that she once looked through our "spicy" texts), she met my mom and they hit it off well, talking about the town we were originally from, to how our futures would pan out living there, to potential future visits. I legitimately like her mom, she's a sweet lady.
Communication actually became better after this, on a phone call, she demonstrated a sweet French voice, and I called it hot, but she called me sexy, which also shocked me, and I was speechless the entire call. We also started calling each other baby/babe like a few days before. We actually talked more than ever before.
Now, my most latest concern comes on June 8, where I had another "You're sus" incident, this was about our third incident since April, where she accused me of not wanting to play Roblox with her (in reality I was forced by my parents to play a board game with my brothers, which turned out to be fun in the end). She then accused me of hating her, just like her exes, and she accused me of saying that I liked her as a fake confidence boost so I could "later pull her down and destroy her". My mom wanted me to get off her phone for the night (my service on my ohone was shut off June 2nd, so I had to use hers) and I responded "Look, Phoenix, I don't hate you, I love you, and I want you to have a sweet night babe" I don't know if she ever responded to it, since it was quite early (like seven o'clock at night, she usually ends her convos at ten).
Now... now I'm stuck on the fence, and I'm questioning absolutely everything about our relationship. I love this girl to death, and I know her past with this kind of stuff before, but I don't want to be treated the way I am, K don't want to be treated like I'm suspicious, and I don't like the way she puts herself down around me. I absolutely love this girl, I really do, I could say it a million times over and I could still say it some more. I just don't know what to do, can I get some needed advice here?
Thank you for reading this long post, being typed out for about two hours straight in the middle of the night. I hope I can get some outsider perspective on this, because I really need it right now.... thank you!

After a decade removed from college and being in the workforce, working in a few different industries and meeting people from all walks of life, I wanted to share here my take on the age old question of "does where I go to undergrad matter?" I was once like many of you in this subreddit, obsessing over getting good grades, good extracurriculars, and doing my best to get into the best college I could, thinking it would "impact my entire future." The truth is, where you go to college does not matter as much as we are led to believe, but there is also an overcorrection now of "it makes absolutely 0 impact on your career outcomes." The answer is more nuanced:
For Investment Banking and Consulting, where you go to college absolutely can drastically impact your chances of getting hired, as well as getting hired by a prestigious firm. Due to how crazy competitive it is to get into investment banking and consulting due to the high salaries, and due to those industries being a bit more elitist than others, prestige does matter for these fields.
Common target schools are top 15ish schools (the ivy league, Stanford, Duke, UChicago etc). Students regardless of major will often find their way into elite boutiques and big banks (assuming they have good GPAs and/or are well connected).
Next in the tier of target schools are specific elite business programs where, while the school may not be overall ranked top 15 or so, their business schools are well regarded and students will be frequently hired into investment banks or top consulting firms. These are NYU, Notre Dame, Georgetown, UT-Austin, to name a few.
Then, the rest of the top 35 or so ranked schools are what are often called "semi-targets." Meaning investment banks and top consulting firms will stop by and will recruit from these schools, but at less high percentages and won't take "any majors" but rather focus on business/finance majors specifically. These are places like Michigan, UVA, Northwestern, Emory, WashU, Rice, etc etc.
However, keep in mind that most people are not cut out for the investment banking/consulting lifestyle. You may make a lot but you will be worked like a dog, be surrounded by elitist and toxic coworkers (drug use is very real just as depicted in movies), and it's a very high stress and high turnover job. Even at "target schools" Harvard is only sending about a few hundred max of their entire student body to investment banking per graduating class.
Now another field where going to a good college will help: Pre-med
In this case unlike investment banking it is not so much because med schools go "oh I think candidates from X Y Z bougie schools are smarter." It is more so because certain top schools, particularly those with strong medical school and research environments, give their premeds substantial opportunities and resources to build a strong premed resume.
Some of these include: Johns Hopkins, Penn, Harvard, Duke, WashU, Columbia.
All of those good universities (not an exhaustive list btw) have world-class med schools and many famous hospitals easily commutable from the school. It is easy for students to get research and shadowing opportunities at their school's med schools and this can really set them apart from other applicants at other schools who may not have access to such impressive resources. This is of course, assuming that they also do well on the MCAT (as those who are able to be admitted to these schools often are more likely to score higher).
Other than these fields though, where you go to college for undergrad really doesn't mean that much. Let's list a few examples:
Pre-Law: Unlike med school, law school is less focused on factors in your application besides your grades and your LSAT. If you do well on the LSAT you will get into a good law school, including top 13 ranked ones. If you are set on law school I recommend going to a local state school to save money and just make sure you ace the LSAT as where you go to law school will substantially affect your entire career, while where you went to college literally will mean squat.
Engineering/CS: Ok sure, I guess if you go to a very good program like MIT, Carnegie Mellon, or UIUC, it will probably help get your foot in the door more (assuming you also have good internship experience and decent grades). But otherwise, even if going to say Drexel means you may get a slightly less good starting job than someone at MIT, engineering and CS is not like IB or med school where getting your foot in the door in the first place is almost statistically impossible. Once you start working if you do a good job and/or work the social game well you can work your way up or switch to better and better jobs. Once you demonstrate you are a great engineer no one will ever care after your first job where you got your degree. You could be self-taught for all they care (esp in CS) and if you know your stuff employers will be fighting over you.
Any academic grad school: Same thing I said for law school. Do well during your undergrad with a good GPA, good relationships with profs for good rec letters, write a good thesis, and get a good GRE score. Where you went to undergrad will matter almost 0% if you have all of that. I know people who went to a local state school for undergrad and are now getting their PhDs at UChicago, Princeton, Stanford, all sorts of fancy places! Just like in law, where you get your grad degree in academia can make a significant difference on your career so I would also recommend going to a college that's cheaper (and less stressful!) over an elite college for undergrad if you know you want to go the academia route.
So yeah! Are there instances where going to a so-called "elite college" may make a difference? Yes there are. It is an overcorrection nowadays to say it never matters at all where you go to college. For certain fields and certain life goals going to Yale will certainly help tremendously. But for 95% of people (maybe 99%?) it does not matter. Pretty much unless you want to be a wall street suit, or you are dead set on med school (and even in the case of med school you can still get in without going to an elite school, it will just be a little harder) going to an elite college for undergrad is otherwise just a very expensive bragging right. A bragging right too that 99% of people won't care about once you graduate and if you bring it up it'll just make you look like a snobby douchebag.

Hi all,
I'm a university student graduating in a few months with a computer science and philosophy degree. I've done everything I was "supposed" to do - get good grades, do internships, network - but I still feel so lost in what job I should do in the future. I have interned at various companies in various types of roles (software dev, data analyst, currently a consultant intern), but I haven't truly enjoyed any of them. For example, as a software dev, I get really frustrated when I can't figure out how to fix a bug, and I'm just not that interested in keeping up with new technology. I did enjoy most of the courses I took (logic, operating systems, machine learning etc.), but it never clicked naturally for me and I had to study really, really hard to get decent grades.
In university I found an interest in philosophy. I really enjoy thinking about different philosophical concepts, reading the arguments presented by different philosophers, and writing essays where I motivate and form my own thoughts. I found it much easier to do well in my philosophy classes than my CS classes (though I'm not sure if it's because the CS students at my uni are just way too smart). At the same time, I don't see myself pursuing a PhD and becoming a professor or "professional philosopher."
I have considered going to law school, but I've heard mostly negative things about being a lawyer, and it is a big commitment that would put me in a lot of debt.
My current plan is to apply for software developer new-grad roles. However, given the current tough job market (especially in tech) and AI's (possible) takeover of tech roles, I'm really worried that I'm heading towards a dead-end (for me). I want to enjoy my work and be successful in my career, and while some people say that "follow your passion" is bad advice, I think there is some truth to pursuing a career that you are interested in. I just don't know what that is. I feel really lost, and any advice would be appreciated. Thank you!

I’ve recently accepted my offer for an undergrad degree in a Bachelor of Arts, but have now realized con-ed would be a better fit for my goals. I didn’t know too much about con ed till recently, and didn’t realize you will graduate with both a bachelors degree (in arts etc) and a teaching degree. Would I be able to transfer to it this year? I have good grades, but I know they would prob take into consideration my first year uni grades aswell, so I don’t know what those will be like. In highschool I had a 92 or 93 average, I got accepted to every program I applied too (arts and social science degrees) at schools such as queens of course, along with western, Guelph, Mac, and uoft. What are the chances of me being able to transfer? Would it be difficult?
Would I be able to use the Bachelor of Arts degree received from the con-ed program, the same as if I had just received the Bachelor of Arts degree from a 4 year undergrad; to apply to masters, grad school, law school etc? (I am interested in many job fields, and teaching is one of them so it would be really beneficial if I could have that done as fast as possible).
Thanks!

I am not the OOP. The OOP is u/tlogank posting in LongDistance
Concluded as per OOP
Thanks to u/MrSlabBulkhead for finding this BORU
2 updates - Short
Original - 24th February 2016
Update1 - 18th June 2016
Update2 - 6th May 2024
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Went to the bottom of the Grand Canyon with a girlfriend, came out the next day with a fiancée
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OKCupid Message
Couple at Grand Canyon
Backstory: June of 2014, I (33M) am in TN and she (27F) was in AZ. She was my #2 highest match in the country (based off the dozen or so questions she answered). Normally I would not message someone so far away, but I was so attracted to her and she had a great profile. Here is our first message exchange.
Fast forward through six weeks of phone calls/texting, she flew to visit me for a few days and we had a really great time. I still remember being so nervous picking her up from the airport for that first moment in person! A week later she moved from AZ to Seattle to start grad school at UW. Now on opposite corners of the country, we reluctantly began a long distance relationship. I was initially concerned because I disliked being on the phone a lot and that's a basic requirement for an LDR, but it was always fun talking with her.
I've been flying from TN to WA about once every six weeks while she's in class, and she visits me when she has breaks, so we've been able to see each other a good amount considering the distance. We hiked and camped at the Grand Canyon over Christmas break. I asked her to marry me at our camping spot at the bottom of the canyon underneath the most incredible star filled sky either of us had ever seen. We felt like we were in space. She finishes up school and moves here in June, and we're also getting married in the same month. Honeymoon is already booked as well! I never would have imagined to meet my future wife on OKCupid, but so glad I did. We're both really excited about doing life together!
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Sent her a message 2 years ago, in less than 6 hours we'll be getting married. - 4 months later
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Happy Couple
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[10 Year Update] Sent her a message 2 years ago, in less than 6 hours we'll be getting married. - 8 years later
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There is one pic in order from each year since meeting. I wanted to share an update since it's the 10-year anniversary of the first time I messaged her. We did the long-distance thing the whole time we dated until the week we were married. As you can imagine from the photos, our lives have changed A LOT in the last decade. But even through all the chaos of our young family, I love her more than ever. She is an incredible partner and mom and I couldn't be more grateful for this life we have built together.
OKCupid Message
Couple at Grand Canyon
Wedding
Baby1
Couple with toddler
Baby2
2 kids
Baby3
3 kids
Baby4
4 kids
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Comments
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stevenjobsless
4 boys! Give that poor woman her girl

OOP: I've taken the necessary medical means to ensure there will be no more siblings. :)

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MrSlabBulkhead
Damn, 10 year update? Thats wild. Congrats on the amazing family, and good luck on the future for you all!
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catshateTERFs
Congrats to both of you, how wonderful that you found your person! You’re a happy looking family for sure!
I’m sure you’ve been asked but did you ever try the pb&j?

OOP:
Sadly I did not.

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I am not the OOP. Please do not harass the OOP.
Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments

This is really long, sorry/thanks in advance
tldr: my dads a drug addict, possibly a narc, who has fucked me over one too many times and now i dont know what to do.
Me (18F) and my dad (44M) have always had a good relationship, until now. My dads been a drug addict, specifically crack, for about ten years now. When my parents were still together, he had gone to inpatient rehab twice because my mom has really good insurance through her work. At the time he was doing a lot of freelance construction work so me and my younger sisters (13 yo twins) were told that he was on a job in a neighboring state. When i was ten, my parents say me and my sisters down and told us about my dads addiction and how they were getting a divorce. I didnt really know anything at the time about drugs, but i knew they were bad and i remember being confused and scared. In 2016 my parents divorced and my dad went to live about 40- 60 mins away from us and we saw him on the weekends. He was working as a handyman at an apartment complex in exchange for no rent and low pay. His girlfriend (43F), we'll call her M, very quickly moved in with him (my parents divorced in april, him and his gfs "anniversary" is in may) and brought two kids with her, one boy, we'll call him i, who is now 10 y/o and lived with her fulltime, and one girl, a, who is now 16 who has split custody with her and M's ex-husband. I didn;t see much of this happen, but i learned about two years ago that my dad was using a lot during the weekdays when me and my sisters werent there, and was also using his work credit card for food. This leads us to may 2022 when he was arrested. I still dont have a clear reason of why he was arrested, but a few likely causes are a hotel room he had destroyed during a crack binge, the employer mentioned above that he was stealing from, and another job that he did in which he was paid before he had finsihed the job and then didnt finish the job. He got three months for whatever his original arrest was for, and it was very very hard on myself, my sisters, his gf, and her kids both mentally and financially, as my dad was the breadwinner. In between 2016 and 2022, my dad had done a dozen shitty things to myself, my sisters, his gf, and her kids, including but not limited to dumping myself and my sisters at our aunts house so he could go get high while he claimed that his car broke down, dissapeared at least a dozen times on 1-3 day crack binges, and having massive anger issues that made us all scared of him. I've learned in the last few years that my dad is very very VERY good at making everything seem like someone elses fault, and making himself appear innocent. anyways, my dad was released in august of 2022 and had 1-2 years of probation. I made the decision to move in with my dad in december of 2022 bc me and my mom had a very strained relationship at the time, mostly bc she doesnt show love very well, at least not the way i want to be shown love, and that she had access to my bank account bc i was a minor and was using the money from my job to pay for food, gas, etc. this was both my [arents fault, bc my dad wasnt contributing to child support at all, and my mom was really drowning in debt and money issues. presently, me and my mom are doing a little better, partly bc shes in a slightly better place financially and partly bc shes been supportive of everything ive gone thru w my dad in the last 2-3 years. Last summer, april/may of 2023, he violated his probation by "mixing up the dates" and going to his appt with his PO a week late. While he claims that he just forgot what day it was on, its more likely that he was just using again and knew that he wouldnt test clean, and decided to wait since crack is out of your system, at least in terms of urine, in about three days. He got a sentence of thirty days, accounting for time served, and he was released in late may. I was still living with him and his gf at the time and it was horrible to see his gf struggle so badly without him there as the breadwinner. I used every one of my paychecks during this period to pay for food or give her money for bills or gas during this time. one thing about loving an addict is that there is always some doubt that they are lying to you about what they're doing, where they're going, what they're spending money on, and if they're even sober. while i believed him for the most part, a small part of me doubted that he really just mixed up the dates of his PO meeting. my dad and his gf also had issues within their relation ship that caused a lot of fighting and just a weird and tense environment. I knew this, but it was way worse than I thought before I actually lived with them. About six months ago, it got to the point where his gf broke up with him and he went on a crack binge and dissapeared for three days. I was still living with him then, and it really messed me up and i was so angry and hurt. this was when I decided to move back in with my mom, as he was just too unstable especially without his gf, and i was trying to focus on college stuff and graduating. I moved back in with my mom almost a year after i had moved out, this past february. I went back to staying with him during the weekends, and he actually moved into the basement of the house we were renting. It's kind of a weird situation, but the landlords live in another state, but their daughter and her young kid still live in this state, so when the landlords visited they would stay in the basement. the landlord was also kind of my dads confidant/ sponsor, as he was a religious man and him and my dad had an odd relationship of part landlord part friend. the landlord agreed to let my dad move into the basement and have someone else rent upstairs, as the landlords also wanted to up the rent from 1700 to 2000 a month. I learned at this time that my dad owed the landlords 16,000 dollars in rent/ loaned money. he told me that the landlords had given him a year to pay this money back, or at least a good chunk of it, or they would completely evict him. this was february/march of 2024. around this time, about a month after him and his gf/M had broken up, he started talking to/dating another women that he had went to highschool/ troubled kid school with (red flag number one). in short, they dated for about a month and a half and for about a month she was moved in and living with him until my dad found out she was a crazy bitch and a methhead. she moved out in early may, and he was arrested the same week for, ONCE AGAIN, missing his damn probation meeting BY A WEEK. Yes, he did the same thing he had done almost exactly a year prior. while he was living in the basement of this house, he was also fixing up the upstairs for someone else to rent, which the landlord was paying him for. the really great part was that he was arrested on monday, and the landlord was coming down that thursday/ friday to come get it ready to rent and meet the new potential renters. the saturday after he was arrested, my aunt picked me up after one of the worst eight hour shifts i'd ever had at my job, and told me that my dad had no house, no job, no car, and basically nowhere to go when he eventually got out of jail. that afternoon/night i met the landlord for the first time. It was humiliating listenign to the landlord tell me, my aunt, and my uncle that my dad actually owed him about 50,000 dollars in rent/ loaned money/ work he didnt do but was payed fo tools/ etc. this man is truly a saint, bc the first thing he asked me is if i have a place to stay, as he didnt know that i was living with my mom and wanted to make sure that i had a place to live despite everything with my dad. he even paid for three months of a storage unit for my dads stuff and gave us a week and a u haul to move everything out. i also learned that my dads boss, who owned his own kind of freelancing construction company, found about twnety tools in my dads garage that he thought he had lost which led him to fire my dad. backtracking a bit, about a week before he was arrested my dad got back with his gf/M, so she was involved in some of this too. she got her a different lawyer than the one he had previously and my aunt worked with the lawyer to try and make a case for the judge for my dad to go to a sober living facility instead of jail. we all wrote letters to the judge, including my dads ex-landlord and ex-boss, advocating for him to go to court mandated inpatient rehab/ sober living. I'll admit, my letter was short and shitty because i knew that my dad didnt want help and that any amount of time in rehab or a half-way house wouldnt change his mind. the letters didnt really work, and my dad was sentneced to another thirty days with time served. thankfully, the judge was considerate and allowed him to leave for one day so he could go to my graduation ceremony. honestly, i don't even think i wanted him to be there. i wasn't happy that he was, even when i saw him, i was just apathetic. this leads to now, in which he gets out on tuesday (6/11) and i dont know what to do. i want to tell him that he's a piece of shit and that he doesnt deserve to even be in my life and that i dont really ever want to talk to him again bc im really convinced that he will never be sober or take accountability for his actions, the way he has hurt everyone that loves him over and over again, not to mention the egregious amount of money he owes to multiple people. but he's also my dad and in between all the bad stuff i've mentioned, hes an amazing dad and person. one of my coworkers, whos really one of my bestfriends and who i tell almost everything to, has even said that she cant imagine how hard it must be to see both sides of him and have to choose whether to have faith in the part of him that i know loves me to death and is an amazingly strong, funny, kind, accepting man or the part of him that is ruled by addiction and cant take accountability for his actions and thinks that his family holding him accountable is "being negative" and trying to stop him from being happy (both things he said to me). i dont want to lose my dad, but i dont think i can keep putting myself through this. especially considering i'll be three hours away at college in three months. the really funny part is that he'll be back in jail, either for 30 days or 60, bc the state is suing him for not paying child support, and his hearing is in july. some part of me wants to just avoid him for the next month until hes back in jail and then run away to college in august and not have to deal with him, and the other part of me wants him to know every time that he has let me down, fucked me over, upset me, caused me to lose sleep, and what will probably happen to him if he keeps doing this shit. what do i say to him? do i avoid him? do i confront him and confront years of anxiety and cowardliness from me as i always kept the peace and stayed quiet with him? i know this isnt really narc parent material, but theres not really a sub for addict parents. i appreciate any adivce or words you have. (also thanks for reading this took an insanely long time to type out)

So my brother and I live in Ohio and he drives truck for autozone. Autozone paid for his CDL school. Since they paid for it, they made him sign a piece of paper that said he’d pay them back if he left before 2 years. He ended up getting a CDL job offer at another company that pays $40,000 more a year and he’d go from a 70hr work week to a 40hr. He went to hand in his notice prepared to pay half of the cost of his CDL school. CDL school in Ohio is $5,000. This is how the conversation went: Brother: hands in notice Manager: “Do you have $15,000?” Brother: “No?” Manager: “Then take this back and go to work” Brother: “I thought CDL school was only $5,000 so I would have to pay $2,500?” Manager: “yes but there’s training fees which total $26,000 so you would owe about $15,000 and if you continue with this notice, we’ll sue you, take you to court, and garnish your wages at your new job”
He talked to drivers that came there already having their CDL and they said that they have no “training fees” and can leave whenever they want.
Is there anyway out of this “contract”?
Since I can’t put a photo, here’s what the contract says:
“Thank you for your interest in the AutoZone Shifting Gears Program! At AutoZone, you can DRIVE your career in many exciting directions, and we are committed to helping you own your development, build your skillset and continue to Put Customers First. By signing this letter and participating in this program, you acknowledge and agree to the following (please checkmark each line):
I acknowledge that AutoZone is investing in my future by committing significant time and resources toward my participation in this Program, and I agree to honor that investment by committing to the Program and AutoZone.
I acknowledge that this Program will cost $31,000 excluding all applicable taxes, which AutoZone will pay on my behalf.
I acknowledge that if I separate from AutoZone within two (2) years after completion of the Program, AutoZone has the right to seek full recoupment of all committed funds related to my participation in the Program. "Separate" means voluntary resignation or termination at AutoZone's sole discretion. The repayment plan will be carried out as follows:
Length of Service' Less than 6 months 6 months but less than 1 year 1 year but less than 1.5 years 1.5 years but less than 2 years Repayment Required 100% of expenses 75% of expenses 50% of expenses 25% of expenses
I acknowledge that my employment with AutoZone shall be "at will" and may be terminated by either party at any time, with or without cause.
And most importantly...
I am excited and eager to DRIVE MY CAREER with AutoZone!
We at AutoZone applaud you in taking this step to own your development, and we are excited to support you now and in the future! Please sign below to acknowledge that you have read and understand the terms of participation in this program.
signatures and dates

i am so grateful i passed!
ireally want to be in BSA, yet no slots anymore. this is the closest one i can get for something related to it. plus, anything can be a pre-law too

• thoughts?
• school workloads?
• (EMPHASIS) on job security?
• what is it like studying this program

im just so lost rn, i don’t really know what pre-law i should go for that will give me money after grad in case i don’t continue law for a while in the future.
being a lawyer gives me that thrill and whatever pre-law field ill be in, it will be fine. i passed bsa on the green school, might hop for it and the CPA title too yet financial in needs must be there
and there are times that i don’t want the cpa title bc it’s tough and numbers make me dizzy, but if i am given the chance, sure, it doesn’t make me feel terrible. i just love to learn
i just need thoughts about this program for now
thank you

As-salamu alaykum. I am at a really low place and in need of some guidance.
I was born and raised Muslim Alhumdulilah. My mother is Arab-Hispanic, and my father is Arab. I am grateful for the ways my culture was prominent in our household, I speak Spanish/Arabic because of that. I am 21 years old right now, but when I was freshly out of high school I was very selfish, misguided, and living for fun in this Dunya. I dated this Arab-Muslim guy for about a year long distance when I was 17/18, ended things with him because we were very different and I was unhappy. I also talked to some other Arab guys, Muslim guys, and non-muslim guys, nothing serious but I was just being young and foolish. This was also peak COVID time so I was very lonely and just wanted a connection.
In 2021, I met this guy that I worked with and immediately had a crush on him. We liked each other so much, he was everything I wanted personality-wise. He is Asian and grew up Buddhist. He has always been so romantic, making me feel special i.e. writing me letters, surprising me with gifts at my bedroom window, exploring new places with me, sneaking around together, and going on fun-filled dates. Our relationship has felt like a movie.
I met his parents, but we kept our relationship hidden from my family as they do not approve of haram dating. I had told him from the start that I would only date him with the intention of marriage and I can't marry him unless he's Muslim. I also did not want him to convert for me, but only for Allah. Buddhism never felt right to him, he hated the idea of worshipping multiple Gods and felt lost with Buddhist teachings, so he was already interested in Islam before me. Islam was so simple to him and just made sense so he studied Islam on his own, made many Muslim friends, began going to the masjid, fasting, and practicing Islam after a few months of us being together.
Ramadan 2023 was very transformative for me, I was at a very low point in school with my depression and anxiety, Islam and his comfort got me through dark times. We began to think of our relationship much more seriously, focusing on school, and trying not to meet in private places anymore. We also began to take Islam much more seriously come Fall 2023. Both our deans were strengthening and we were dedicated to being better Muslims. In December 2023, he officially took his shahada Alhumdulilah. He recites the Quran more beautifully than anyone I have ever heard. We always glance at each other at Jummah prayer. He always reminds me of when it's time to pray and brings me closer to Allah.
After taking his shahada, he told me he wanted us to do our Fatiha ASAP. Despite us not being ready financially and still in school, he wanted us to tell my parents finally and get the ball rolling so we could do our nikkah in the new year. I was very hesitant and nervous but agreed because at the end of the day, I more than anything wanted us to be halal and wanted to love him openly for the sake of Allah.
I have never felt closer to Allah than this time in my life, I even committed to wearing the hijab in February 2024. Alhumdulilah. I hope to only increase my dean moving forward.
We made a plan to tell my parents in April 2024, a few days before Eid. I was very scared and anxious because my father is very intimidating, stubborn, and close-minded. I went into their room after Iftar and told them "I want to get married for the sake of Allah" They were both shocked but my dad said "Great. Fantastic." and I continued with "There is someone who would like to get to know me and talk to you first Baba" and he said "Do I know this person?" I said "No" he said "Where are they from?" and I said "He is Filipino-Japanese" and he said, "We'll talk about this later." My mother gave me a very angry look and said nothing, a couple of minutes later my dad came into my room saying "Don't worry about nothing Baba, we will figure this out and talk more later." I was very relieved and shocked that he didn't yell and scream at me. My mother texted me saying she is upset I didn't tell her and this is so shocking and I am so young blah blah blah. I knew they just needed time to process everything.
The story we were going to go with was just telling everyone we worked together long ago and reconnected through school (obviously not telling them we had been dating already for almost 3 years).
About 2 weeks later, my father finally told his brother (who is a second dad to me and my father leans on him a lot for everything). My uncle immediately wanted to speak and level with me, so I met up with him and told him about it, and he was very excited and supportive and asked for my partner's contact info ASAP so they could meet.
They met, my uncle loved him, about a week later he met both my parents, my parents liked him but my dad said "he isn't ready or have a set plan in life" just because my partner is still in school and sorting those kinds of things out for his future. The other big thing they didn't like was the fact that my partner's mother does not approve of him being Muslim and still doesn't know.
So let's get into that, basically, his family is of Buddhist religion but doesn't practice it at all. Although his mother loves me, and says she would love for us to marry, she will not allow him to be Muslim. She has threatened him in many ways, saying she should expose us to my family or kick him out of the house, saying she would never forgive him, he would dishonor his family, and he can't abandon the religion he was born with. Honestly, it's all nonsense and fear, but I understand this is just the mentality of most immigrant families. They left Japan before it became more westernized so they have very traditional values. She is also scared of Islam and has misconceptions about it, despite my partner always educating her. Ramadan was especially difficult for him as they would serve him food he couldn't refuse and make him eat pork. He is the oldest of six children, and all his little siblings support him and want us to be together. His father doesn't care about religion and knows he is Muslim. His grandmother who he is very close with, closer with than his mom, disapproves of him being Muslim also so they are the two that make this a challenge.
He told my parents some of that saying he can't tell his mother he is Muslim until he is financially stable enough to live on his own. My family really hates the idea of me having toxic in-laws or a mother-in-law that could raise hell in my life. Obviously, I don't want that for myself or my future children either but it is just something I have to sacrifice in the beginning and continue to make dua about in hopes they will come around one day.
My mom instructed me to just wait 6 months or longer before we move forward with the Fatiha so we can see where he is at and what changes for his circumstances. I agreed, and as much as we want to make it halal, we will wait if we have to.
In May 2024, I was preparing to graduate from university and I was crying the whole week of my graduation feeling so overwhelmed by my emotions of happiness, gratitude, but also pain as my extended family were all giving their opinions on my situation and some saying very hurtful superficial things. Many believe I could do better. Nobody tells you how when word gets out about you possibly marrying someone, everybody will give their unwarranted opinions.
Anyway, we had a little grad party at my house and my mom said I could invite him. I didn't run it past my dad because I just figured he was coming to support me the same way all my other friends were. My dad was furious that he was there and even had us wrap up the party early. That night I got a huge lecture from my father. I couldn't even really fight back, he is very scary when upset, and there were only so many words I could get in.
He went on a rant about how he feels disrespected. How I cannot marry him because he has no career, is not done with school, and has a bad situation with his mother. Honestly, all of this just feels like a buffer for this next part: "You can't marry him because he is Asian and you are not allowed to marry outside of the Arab culture." He said things like I would be destroying our bloodline, he couldn't look at his future grandkids the same way, he isn't good enough for me, my grandpas in their graves would be disappointed, he wants someone he can speak in Arabic with. He even suggested I find someone on an Arab dating app, but then contradicted himself saying someone should approach him first before trying to get to know me.
We are Palestinian and being Palestinian is everything to me, it is a huge part of my identity and I plan on making it a huge part of my children's identities also. However, culture is something that is taught and passed down, and not through blood. He said I could marry any Arab I wanted but that's also a contradiction because if he cared about Palestinian bloodline he would have me marry strictly Palestinian. None of this makes sense to me as we already have a very mixed family with A LOT of reverts. Also my father was very absent when I was growing up, he started becoming religious a lot later in life, and neither of my parents guided me well in Islam, Alhumdulilah I came to it on my own. It really upsets me that they expect me and my siblings to be super cultured, super Arab, and super religious when they also grew up in America and decided to raise us in this western society.
He said to put a big X on this guy because there is no way I can marry him. My father also said "To me, religion and culture are the same thing, they go hand in hand" and I said Astafuriallah you cannot equate Islam with any race/culture. I even quoted Surah Al-Baraqarah saying "It is better if your daughter marries a believer who is poor than a disbeliever who is rich."
Honestly, I was not expecting this to turn into a race thing. The situation with his mother is honestly the most difficult part, but something we can overcome through the grace of Allah. From all the opinions of everyone, it just feels like they don't care about my happiness and what I want. I am just so exhausted of living my life for other people when I only want to live it for Allah. I want to get married for Allah and I found someone who is a believer, who will love and take care of me and make me smile, isn't that enough? My father broke my heart that night and I was sobbing in my room. My sister comforted me and supported me saying just give it time and be patient, if it's meant to be it'll be.
What breaks my heart even more is that my partner has no one to turn to. I continue to tell him this is a test from Allah and you have to turn to him, but he feels so incredibly alone and neither of us knows where to go from here.
I have started nursing school this summer and have been busy with that, he is busy with work and classes. We decided to just take a step back and focus on our careers. But we still talk every day and see each other occasionally. There have been so many nights where we talk about our situation on FaceTime and just cry together. This man has been with me through everything. We feel like we are each other's soulmate, person, and best friend. All of our dreams of marriage and building a family together have been wrecked. We made promises of walking hand and hand into Jennah together, how can I leave someone I made those promises with? He feels like home to me. I was definitely naive in the beginning, made some mistakes, and I know it's my fault for falling in love as Allah tells us not to in order to avoid this kind of heartbreak. But I really just don't know what to do. We were trying to do everything right, and it still wasn't enough.
Maybe I could quote on quote do better, but even when I look at another man or find someone else attractive, nobody is comparable to him, and the way he knows all my deepest thoughts, weird antics, and insecurities. I have never been so vulnerable and intimate with another person, how can I throw that away?
They say in Islam that true love and marriage will come easily, but what about the ease after the burden? I thought good things take patience and come with hardships? I just have so much confusion, heartache, and unclarity. I prayed Isthikara but felt as though nothing came of it. I have never had this much difficulty listening to my heart and intuition before. I am so comfortable with him, the thought of starting over with someone new I can't comprehend. And if he finds another girl, what difference does it make for his situation? His mother will still not approve of Islam as of now. He feels like both his options are poison, and he will be much more miserable without me than with.
I watched the movie Past Lives recently and that destroyed me even more. If I marry someone else, I will always wonder what if it had been him, what if it worked out for us? How can I live with those thoughts? I would rather marry him and see how it goes, attempt happiness together, then have never tried at all and abandon what we have built. I am hoping this is just the climax of the movie before our happy ending and not the end of our story.
We feel lost, but love each other so much. Where do we go from here?

DAY JUNE 8 2024
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6-8-2024

RESEARCHERS CREATE WINNING STRATEGY TO COMBAT VACCINE MISINFORMATION ON X

A new in-depth analysis shows that users who reply to misinformation about the COVID-19 vaccine on X, formerly known as Twitter, with a positive attitude, politeness, and strong evidence are more likely to encourage others to disbelieve the incorrect information. Researchers from three Georgia Tech schools found the most
6-8-2024

STUDY SHOWS DISENGAGED STUDENTS MORE LIKELY TO USE AI TOOLS FOR ASSIGNMENTS

A Swansea University psychology study has found that disengaged students are more likely to use AI tools—particularly ChatGPT—for academic assignments, raising questions about academic integrity and the need for proactive interventions. Launched in November 2022, ChatGPT is an AI program capable of answering questions in detailed, human-like ways. Researchers surveyed 160 undergraduate students, aged between 18 and 24, in March 2023 to assess their attitudes towards and past usage of AI tools such as ChatGPT in academic coursework. The study is published in The Internet and Higher Education journal. Thirty-two
6-8-2024

HUMAN CULTURE IS CHANGING TOO FAST FOR EVOLUTION TO CATCH UP—HERE’S HOW IT MAY AFFECT YOU

Research is showing that many of our contemporary problems, such as the rising prevalence of mental health issues, are emerging from rapid technological advancement and modernisation. A theory that can help explain why we respond poorly to modern conditions, despite the choices, safety and other benefits they bring, is evolutionary mismatch. Mismatch happens when an evolved adaptation, either physical or psychological, becomes misaligned with the environment. Take moths and some species of nocturnal flies, for example. Because they have to navigate in the dark, they evolved to use the moon
6-8-2024

YOUNG PEOPLE IN THE UK SAY THEY ARE LESS LIKELY TO VOTE IF THEIR PARENTS REPORT DEPRESSIVE SYMPTOMS

With a U.K. General Election approaching, new research has found that parental history of depression can predict whether a young person is likely to intend to vote. The research, led by the Department of Politics at the University of Liverpool, found that, at age 26, people were less likely to intend to vote if they had grown up with a parent experiencing high levels of depressive symptoms. Published in the journal Electoral Studies, the research used the British Cohort Study (BCS), which followed more than 16,000 babies born across a
6-8-2024

WHO GETS TO DECIDE WHAT COUNTS AS ‘DISORDER’?

As a scholar of urban governance and data policy, I viewed the responses to protests on U.S. campuses as about more than threats to academic freedom and freedom of speech. They are also threats to the fundamental rights of people in public spaces. The protesters’ tactics, particularly their use of tents in encampments, have brought debates around definitions of public order and disorder to the fore. Over the past couple of months, students in universities across the country, from the University of California, Los Angeles to the Massachusetts Institute of
6-8-2024

STUDYING VIOLENCE TOWARD WOMEN AND ANIMALS CAN HELP US DEVELOP STRATEGIES TO PREVENT BOTH

We live in a world where not everyone feels safe and respected, especially women. Sexual violence and abuse are significant global health issues. Intimate partner violence continues to be a problem in Canada. According to Statistics Canada, of the 117,093 victims of police-reported intimate partner violence in 2022, almost 80% were women and girls. More than half of women in the United States have experienced sexual violence involving physical contact. Given these high rates of sexual abuse, it is imperative that we improve upon what we currently know about violence
6-8-2024

WHY THE FUTURE OF DEMOCRACY COULD DEPEND ON YOUR GROUP CHATS

I became newly worried about the state of democracy when, a few years ago, my mother was elected president of her neighborhood garden club. Her election wasn’t my worry—far from it. At the time, I was trying to resolve a conflict on a large email group I had created. Someone, inevitably, was being a jerk on the internet. I had the power to remove them, but did I have the right? I realized that the garden club had in its bylaws something I had never seen in nearly all the
6-8-2024

NET ZERO IS NOT JUST GOOD SCIENCE—IT’S ALSO A GOOD DEAL FOR ORDINARY PEOPLE

As the UK moves into a general election, a misinformed debate over the country’s climate transition and legally binding net zero targets risks further dividing people. Much of this debate in the UK focuses on the “cost” of net zero. For instance, energy secretary Claire Coutinho recently stated the government did not want a “net zero leviathan” to crush the nation’s “brilliant enterprise economy,” while the Labor Party had to backtrack on its own headline climate investment pledge, citing “affordability” and “fiscal rules.” But the true “cost” is tricky to
6-8-2024

THE FASCINATING PSYCHOLOGY BEHIND ‘DINE AND DASH’ AND WHY IT’S ABOUT SO MUCH MORE THAN A FREE MEAL

Sometimes when I read the newspapers, I think that going to a restaurant and leaving without paying has become something of an epidemic. My research into lying has taught me that the psychology behind acts of deception is often deeply complex. Let me start with a confession. I was guilty of dine and dash a very long time ago before it had a catchy name. I was in a group that hung about a chip shop at the turn-of-the-road in north Belfast, a poor and troubled area. I had a
6-8-2024

YOU CAN NOW BE FROZEN AFTER DEATH IN AUSTRALIA. IF YOU’RE REVIVED IN THE FUTURE, WILL YOU LEGALLY BE THE SAME PERSON?

In recent weeks, Southern Cryonics—the southern hemisphere’s only cryopreservation facility, located in rural New South Wales—announced it had successfully cryopreserved its first patient. There are only a handful of cryopreservation facilities across the globe—two in the United States, and one each in Russia, China, Australia and Switzerland. If the claims made on their websites and in the press are accurate, these facilities likely have no more than 600 patients in cryonic storage in total. Media reports however suggest interest in cryopreservation has risen since the onset of the COVID pandemic,
6-8-2024

ENGINEERS HAVE A DUTY TO PROTECT PUBLIC WELL-BEING, BUT LESS THAN HALF LEARN HOW TO DO SO EFFECTIVELY

Engineers who received public welfare responsibility training in classes are more likely to consider the societal impact of technologies they design and to take action when concerns arise, according to a study by University of Michigan researchers published in The Journal of Engineering Education. While engineers are professionally obligated to protect the safety and well-being of those their technologies impact, the study found that nearly a third of U.S. practicing engineers have never received any training in public welfare
6-8-2024

HIRING PRESSURES TO DIVERSIFY ARE INFLUENCING PATTERNS OF DISCRIMINATION IN UNEXPECTED WAYS

In 2004, a pair of economists published a landmark study to measure discrimination in the labor market. In the study, the researchers applied to real job openings with fictitious applicants but changed the applicant names to reflect a different gender or race. They found clear evidence of discrimination: White men and women received 50% more callbacks than Black men and women. More recently, Berkeley
6-8-2024

STUDY FINDS RACIAL BIAS IN TRAFFIC STOPS BY CHICAGO POLICE

Black drivers in Chicago are significantly more likely than white drivers to be stopped by police regardless of where the drivers live or are going, according to a new study led by a Cornell city planning expert that maps the racial composition of roads by using mobile phone GPS data. The study confirms a racial bias
6-8-2024

DO WE HAVE MORE EMPATHY FOR PEOPLE WHO ARE SIMILAR TO US? NEW RESEARCH SUGGESTS IT’S NOT THAT SIMPLE

How do people successfully interact with those who are completely different from them? And can these differences create social barriers? Social scientists are struggling with these questions because the mental processes underlying social interactions are not well understood. One recent concept that has become increasingly popular is the “double-empathy problem.” This draws on research looking at people who are known to experience social difficulties,
6-8-2024

HOW CAN WE MAKE GOOD DECISIONS BY OBSERVING OTHERS? A VIDEOGAME AND COMPUTATIONAL MODEL HAVE THE ANSWER

How can disaster response teams benefit from understanding how people most efficiently pick strawberries together, or how they choose the perfect ice cream shop with friends? All these scenarios are based on the very fundamental question of how and when human groups manage to adapt collectively to different circumstances. Two recent studies on collective dynamics by the Cluster of Excellence Science of Intelligence (SCIoI) in Berlin, Germany, lay the groundwork to promote better
6-8-2024

OTHERS’ WORDS, NOT FIRSTHAND EXPERIENCE, SHAPE SCIENTIFIC AND RELIGIOUS BELIEF FORMATION, STUDY FINDS

Three proposals explaining the differential confidence. (A) Intuitively, one might assume that confidence in scientific entities (e.g., germs) is higher than confidence in religious entities (e.g., angels) because scientific entities are observable in principle whereas religious entities are not. (B) The Dual- Pathway Model proposes separate information pathways for scientific versus religious beliefs; belief in scientific entities is primarily driven by direct experience of causal outcomes whereas belief in religious entities is primarily driven by testimony. (C) Contrary to these two models, the Unified Model proposes that belief in both
6-8-2024

TRYING TO SAVE MONEY? RESEARCH SUGGESTS PAYING IN CASH—WHILE YOU STILL CAN

Cash is in crisis. In Australia, it’s now only used for 16% of in-person transactions, down from about 70% in 2007. The situation is so dire that on Monday, independent federal MP Andrew Gee introduced a private member’s bill that would force businesses to accept cash or else face big fines. The reality is that over the past decade, technological advancements have utterly transformed the way we pay for goods and services. Phones and smartwatches can now easily be used to pay by card, and buy-now-pay-later
6-8-2024

MESSAGES CAN TRIGGER THE OPPOSITE OF THEIR DESIRED EFFECT—BUT YOU CAN AVOID COMMUNICATION THAT BACKFIRES

The best graduation speeches dispense wisdom you find yourself returning to long after the graduation tassels are turned. Take the feel-good life advice in Baz Luhrmann’s song to a class that graduated 25 years ago. Only on a recent relisten did I realize it also captures one of the research-based strategies I teach for avoiding communication that backfires. The tip is hiding in plain sight in the song’s title, “Everybody’s Free (to Wear Sunscreen).” Communication aimed at promoting a certain behavior can have the opposite
6-8-2024

DIFFERENCES IN EDUCATION, VALUES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN CAUSE MISMATCHES WHEN SEEKING A PARTNER, FINDS SPANISH STUDY

The educational expansion of women has led to changes in the differences in educational level of men and women when looking for a partner. Research conducted by the UAB Center for Demographic Studies (CED-CERCA) has examined for the first time the role of discrepancies in gender role values and education among potential spouses. According to the study, about a third of women in favor of gender equality and with a higher education would not be able to find a homogamous male partner. The work is published in the journal Perspectives
6-8-2024

‘FUZZY’ MAPS OFFER INSIGHT INTO LOCAL PERCEPTIONS OF THE VALUE OF VOLUNTEERING

In the global South, volunteer programs are framed by policymakers and scholars as an effective vehicle for empowering women living in poverty. But this narrative often rests on scant knowledge of the perspectives and experiences of a key set of local stakeholders: the volunteers. A new study co-authored by Yale anthropologist Catherine Panter-Brick addresses this knowledge gap by engaging with Syrian refugees and Jordanian women from poor households in Amman, Jordan,
6-8-2024

EXPERTS SAY USE OF POLITICAL MEMES ARE A PREDICTOR OF POLITICAL VIOLENCE

In a study of social media activity prior to Russia’s full-scale invasion of Ukraine, researchers at the University of Notre Dame say a sharp increase in politically salient imagery online—visual content designed to influence, dehumanize, manipulate and motivate audiences—was a predictor of the conflict. With collaborators at Colby College and Kennesaw State University, the researchers collected post history from a select group of 989 Russian milbloggers—a term used for “military bloggers”
6-8-2024

PROGRAMS TO PREVENT SEXUAL VIOLENCE SHOW NO EVIDENCE OF CURBING ASSAULTS, ANALYSIS FINDS

Sexual violence prevention programs effectively change ideas and beliefs that underscore assaults, but show no evidence of reducing their actual occurrence, a new comprehensive analysis shows. The findings are published in Psychological Science in the Public Interest. Researchers led by behavioral scientist Roni Porat of Hebrew University challenge the assumption that changing people’s thoughts about sexual violence will change their actual behavior. They call on scientists to study more behavior-centered approaches to reducing sexual
6-8-2024

DIVERSE FRIEND GROUPS PROMOTE BETTER SOCIAL COHESION AND WELL-BEING, STUDY FINDS

New research featuring more than 24,000 people has found that having diverse groups of friends improves well-being and social cohesion, despite people’s tendency to gravitate towards people more similar to them. Led by researchers at the University of Birmingham and published in Psychological Science, the study used data from 24,726 adults from over 10,000 English neighborhoods to examine the composition of people’s social networks according to age, ethnicity, income, and education to understand the implications of homophily (preference for similar people) on social cohesion subjective well-being. Dr. Miguel Ramos, lead
6-8-2024

STUDY SHOWS JUSTICE FACILITY DOGS BENEFIT WELL-BEING FOR CHILDREN FACING COURT

A new Edith Cowan University (ECU) study has revealed that having a four-legged friend at Children’s Court significantly reduces stress and anxiety for young victims, witnesses, and their caregivers. ECU criminology researchers Dr. Suz Rock and Associate Professor Natalie Gately have published the first Australian study to evaluate the impact of introducing a justice facility dog to a Children’s Court. The study “Kids, Courts and Canines: Evaluating the Justice Facility Dog Program through a Therapeutic Lens
6-8-2024

SEXUAL MINORITIES EXPERIENCE MORE EXCLUSION IN EVERYDAY SITUATIONS, FINDS STUDY

Lesbian, gay and bisexual people experience exclusion more frequently than heterosexual people. This is the finding of a recent study published in the Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin by researchers from the University of Basel and the RPTU University of Kaiserslautern-Landau. According to the study, people who are perceived as less gender-conforming are more frequently socially excluded. This could also affect heterosexual people if they deviate from traditional
6-8-2024

STILL RIDING LA’S METRO AFTER THE PANDEMIC? YOU PROBABLY THINK IT’S SAFER THAN THOSE WHO DON’T ANYMORE

As Jon Regardie wrote last year in Los Angeles Magazine, “Metro’s raison d’etre is to get hundreds of thousands of people each day across Southern California.” But the COVID-19 pandemic sent the numbers of riders plummeting to a low of 13%, and ridership still hasn’t fully rebounded. The reason may now be clear, thanks to the latest USC Dornsife LABarometer survey, conducted by the Center for Economic and Social Research (CESR) at the USC Dornsife College of Letters, Arts and Sciences. The survey found that although public transportation ridership in
6-8-2024

CAN VAGUE GO VIRAL FOR GEN Y?

Generation Y, Gen Y, is commonly referred to as the millennial generation. It usually includes individuals born between the early 1980s and the mid-to-late 1990s or early 2000s. This generation follows Generation X and precedes Generation Z. The millennials, it is said, grew up during the transition to digital technology and the rise of the internet, and this has shaped their perspectives, behavior, and the way they use technology and media. They are often characterized as tech-savvy, adaptable, and socially conscious, with a strong affinity for social media and digital
6-8-2024

ITALIAN MOMS WITH 3+ KIDS WORK FAR FEWER YEARS THAN DADS, WHILE FINLAND SHOWS EQUALITY

Over the past century, the number of working women in Western countries has steadily increased. However, numerous studies show that it is still primarily women who have to manage the balancing act between parenthood and working life. Compared to fathers and childless women, mothers often have a less straightforward career path and face greater hurdles to career advancement. Little research has been done on what happens to women’s employment trajectories from midlife when childrearing efforts are
6-8-2024

TOP IT INDUSTRY MANAGERS ARE DIVIDED ON THE NEED FOR FACE-TO-FACE COMMUNICATION IN THE WORKPLACE

Many managers are currently seeking a balance between digital and face-to-face communication. A recent study from the University of Eastern Finland published in Information Technology & People shows that top IT industry managers have different views on when and for what purposes face-to-face communication in the workplace is needed. “Some top managers felt that all work tasks can be performed remotely with the help of digital communication. According to them, face-to-face communication is only necessary for maintaining interpersonal relationships and a sense of community,” says Doctoral Researcher Lotta Salin of
6-8-2024

STUDY FINDS SIMPLE HEADLINES ATTRACT MORE ONLINE NEWS READERS

The competition for online attention in today’s news environment is fierce. High-quality news from credible sources must compete for attention with misinformation and a rapidly increasing amount of partisan content. How can a news organization stand out as a reputable and trustworthy outlet while driving readers to its site? The answer is simple: literally. According to research from Michigan State University, news readers engage more with simple writing, suggesting journalists should write simply—clearly and without ambiguity—to attract attention online. The study was published in the journal Science Advances. “Newsrooms want
6-8-2024

STUDY SHOWS BANNING FALSE INFORMATION TRAFFICKERS ONLINE CAN IMPROVE PUBLIC DISCOURSE

When Twitter banned more than 70,000 traffickers of false information from its platform in the wake of the violence at the U.S. Capitol on Jan. 6, 2021, the impact went beyond the silencing of those users. A study co-authored by UC Riverside public policy and political science scholars published in the journal Nature on June 5, found that the crackdown by Twitter (now called X after it was acquired by billionaire Elon Musk in late 2022) also significantly reduced the number of misinformation posts by users who stayed on the
6-8-2024

YOUNG ADULTS SAY STEADY SUPPORT FROM CARING ADULTS MADE DIFFERENCE IN TRANSITIONING FROM CHILD WELFARE SYSTEM

Young people who have exited foster care generally fare better—in work, school and relationships—if they get consistent support from adults who care about them during their teen years. My research team reached these findings by interviewing 21 people, now in their late 20s, who had aged out of foster care when they turned 18, had spent time in foster care as children or grew up in families that had active child welfare cases. These young adults relayed the degree to which they received support from
6-8-2024

HOW THE 1901 DISCOVERY EXPEDITION’S POLAR EXPLORERS STAYED HEALTHY DURING THEIR ANTARCTIC JOURNEY

Antarctica is the most inhospitable continent on earth. It’s dry, cold, and completely dark for months of the year. Edwardian explorers were some of the first to brave the Antarctic winter, developing new knowledge still drawn upon by scientists today. The Discovery expedition (1901–4) played a key role in the history of polar exploration. It was led by the Royal Navy commander Robert Falcon Scott, a pioneering polar explorer who died in 1912 after attempting to reach the south pole. The expedition’s third lieutenant was Ernest Shackleton, who led three
6-8-2024

SUSTAINABLE BUSINESS MODELS INFUSED WITH AGRI-INNOVATION SYSTEMS CAN REDUCE POST-HARVEST FOOD LOSS AND WASTE

developing sustainable business models that are multi-actor networked for integrating them with agricultural innovation systems initiatives can enable a systemic approach for reducing food loss and value loss at the post-harvest
6-8-2024

WILL THE 2024 OLYMPIC GAMES BECOME THE PLAYING FIELD FOR SOCIAL JUSTICE PROTESTS?

Yannick Kluch, a professor of recreation, sport and tourism at the University of Illinois Urbana-Champaign, studies sport as a platform for promoting social justice. Kluch has worked with the U.S. Olympic and Paralympic Committee, U.S. Diving and the National Collegiate Athletic Association. He spoke with research editor Sharita Forrest about the history of Olympic athletes’ social justice protests and governing organizations’ efforts to avert them with Rule 50 of the Olympic Charter.
6-8-2024

STUDY FINDS WE SPEND MORE WITH CASHLESS PAYMENTS

A study found support for the existence of a positive “cashless effect,” which is when consumers spend more when using cashless payment methods in comparison to cash. The study suggests the cashless effect leads people to spend more when purchasing products that are typically used to signal status, such as jewelry. However, the
6-8-2024

LAWS MEANT TO KEEP DIFFERENT RACES APART STILL INFLUENCE DATING PATTERNS, DECADES AFTER BEING INVALIDATED

If you are single and looking for a romantic partner, chances are that you have used a dating app. But the likelihood that others will like, or even see, your profile may depend on your race. Studies have found that all people on dating apps, regardless of their own race, are more likely to contact white people using the app. And all people using dating apps are least likely to contact African American women and Asian American men. Until recently, some popular apps, including OkCupid, Match, Hinge and Grindr, provided
6-8-2024

VIRTUAL LABS IN PSYCHOLOGY RESEARCH BOOST DIVERSITY

University of Oregon psychologists are breaking down barriers to include underrepresented populations in research by bringing laboratories online. The researchers are trying to address a longstanding issue in psychology studies, which often rely on undergraduate students to volunteer as research subjects.
6-8-2024

ATTENDING LOCAL EVENTS STRENGTHENS NEIGHBORHOOD BONDS, SURVEY REVEALS

how often people visit and actively participate in local events and how this affects their sense of place or their connection to their community. A survey of almost 400 households in the state’s coastal council area of the City of Holdfast Bay found that people who frequently attend local events or participate as volunteers, organizers or exhibitors, have a stronger
6-8-2024

STUDY SHOWS ONLINE PROFESSIONAL EDUCATION WORKS FOR COMPLEX TOPICS

“COVID-19 forced educators to adjust their educational best practices to an unfamiliar virtual classroom, and professional development was no different,” said Karen Jo Matsler, assistant professor in practice for UTeach at UTA
6-8-2024

EYE-TRACKING STUDY REVEALS THAT SIMPLY LOOKING AT THE NATURAL WORLD IN URBAN AREAS CAN REAP WELL-BEING BENEFITS

Integrating more natural features into city landscapes can play a crucial role in enhancing the mental well-being of residents. A study by Bangor University and Technion- Israel Institute of Technology, published in the scientific journal People and Nature, involved city dwellers and showed how paying visual attention to greenery, rather than human-made structures, can alleviate anxiety and enhance restorative feelings. The 117 urban residents who took part in the study, were guided on a
6-8-2024

ADVERTISERS MAY BE INADVERTENTLY FUNDING MISINFORMATION

Companies in industries such as health care, technology and insurance have been found to advertise on misinformation websites, according to an analysis published in Nature. In a related experiment, consumers who were made aware that a company advertised on a misinformation website were likely to reject an offer of a gift voucher to spend with that company. The majority of digital advertisement placement on the internet is done via an algorithm-based distribution
6-8-2024

STUDY SUGGESTS EVOLUTIONARY BASIS FOR MALE RISK-TAKING BEHAVIORS

why we associate risk-taking with males rather than females, from an evolutionary standpoint. Study author Hannah Goodman, from UWA’s School of Human Sciences, said researchers found men engaged in riskier behaviors when crossing a busy traffic intersection, supporting growing evidence that risk-taking is predominantly an androcentric behavior. “Males

Demographics: Male, Midwest, Asian, Middle-Class, no hooks
Intended Major(s): Biomedical Engineering/Journalism
ACT/SAT/SAT II: ACT: 35 (35,35,35,35 on sections), one attempt
UW/W GPA and Rank: 3.98 UW, 4.61 W
Coursework: 6 AP Classes, 2 Concurrent Enrollment, 6 IB Classes
Awards: 2 Gold Awards at International Science Olympiad (Vague on purpose pm for details), State winner x2 of Water Research Competition, State winner x 3 of State Science Fair, others I can't include (pm for details), first-year degree from music college
Extracurriculars:
-Science Fair 4 years
-Research internship over the summer
-Policy Internship over the summer
-Paid internship at the biggest newspaper in the state (700,000 readers), writing articles for the main page
-State Student Board for Science Fair, coached elementary school kids through their first science fair projects over 5 months
-Huge service project led by myself revolving around the homeless (vague pm for details)
-Robotics PR and programmer (self-taught programming and video editing)
-Music: Performed on main stage event with almost 15,000 people in attendance + first-year degree from music college overseas
-Chess, 8 years, second in state in ninth
-Recreational video editing, basketball, soccer, etc (not very important)
Essays/LORs/Other: Not sure yet, have plenty of writing experience and people to help with checking quality 8/10
LORs:
-Math Teacher known me for many years: 8/10
-Biology Teacher: Written Rec Letters for comps knows me well: 8/10
-Professor for research internships: 7/10
Schools: Reverse chanceme please and thank you

Disclaimer: I am absolutely NOT trying to brag in any way. I come from a small, isolated school with unmotivated students so I genuinely have no idea what other students like me are doing (apart from the students on this thread). I truly just would like some advice. Thanks!
Before judging harshly, read everything I have to say. I promise I'm not trying to be like the people who post the "am I cooked" posts, I swear.
Also I tried my best to format this so that it's easy to read.
My first attempt at this type of post failed, so I'm hoping to get better advice.
Background: rising junior, white, female, pretty high income (parents don't like sharing that information), rural-ish high school, NOT a feeder school, dual citizenship (Italy and U.S.), I speak Italian at home
GPA: 4.0 uw (don't know what my weighted GPA is). It's a 4.0 but my school has intense grade inflation so I actually haven't gotten absolutely perfect grades.
PSAT10: 1370 out of 1520 (730 Reading and 640 Math) (planning on taking the SAT next year)
Advanced Courses: my school only offers 2 APs, so I took both this year (AP World History and AP CSP), I also self studied for two exams (AP Italian and AP Spanish Lang), I'm doing the full IB program for the next two years
Extracurriculars (First two are in order, the rest are kind of just there): (I'm going to give enough information but also keep it vague because I feel weird sharing a lot on the internet like this).

• Skier for Italian "National" team. Technically, I could be considered a part of the national team (and I will be putting this on college applications), but my sport isn't very competitive in Italy. I've skied at Junior Worlds and European Cups and am hoping to compete in a few World Cups next season. (I haven't been getting significant results, though, so that's something to work on).
• Founder and Editor-in-Chief of school newspaper. Like I said, I don't go to a very competitive high school, so this was actually fairly easy to do. I'm finishing up a few details this summer so that I can start publishing next year. Yes, I haven't actually published anything yet. And it's not going to be anything fancy.
• Soccer (member). I was on JV for two years and hoping to make varsity for my last two years of high school. Also have played club my whole life. Kind of just a hobby now.
• Spanish Teacher Assistant: This year I assisted a math class and translated lessons to a girl who'd just moved to the U.S. from Mexico and didn't know English. I only racked up a few volunteer hours due to skiing, but I'm hoping to do this the next two years of high school and getting more hours.
• Spanish Honors Society: my school doesn't allow students to join Honors Societies before junior year, so I will just be doing this my junior and senior year.
• Book Review Blog: I'm trying to start a book review blog this summer so that I can practice writing and really show colleges that that's my passion. Hopefully I can publish a lot and get a decent amount of viewers.
• School of The New York Times camp

Extracurriculars I'm planning on doing:

• Internship: I'm hoping to build up my resume this summer so that I can get an internship at my local newspaper next summer or spring.
• Volunteering: I want to start volunteering for a local organization that helps disabled people ski. Due to my insanely busy ski training schedule, I don't know if I can physically volunteer. Do you guys have any tips on how I could maybe get involved with fundraising or social media management?
• Volunteering 2.0: It might be a little late, but I want to volunteer for another organization that my mom's involved with. It sounds fun and hopefully I can get a decent amount of hours

Honors and Awards (I'm hoping to get):

• National Merit (aiming for 1450+ on PSAT in the fall)
• Small Town/Rural National Recognition
• AP Scholar with Honor
• Gold Honor Roll (all 4 years of high school)
• Maybe a Scholastic Writing award?

I know this was really long, but I would appreciate any and all advice. What are some other things I could do? Or what could I do to increase my chances? Thank you so much!
I also realized that I forgot to include Letter of Rec predictions. Honestly, I don't really know how to form connections with my teachers because I've always been taught that your teachers aren't your friends. I just feel like it's weird but anyways...
Counselor: Since I ski 5 days a week practically year round with intense summer training on and off snow (another detail I forgot to mention), I have a special counselor who pays me special attention. However, she doesn't strike me as the best so idk. She really likes me so I'm hoping for a 9/10
History teacher: she taught me my freshman year and this year and she's the organizer for the Spanish Teaching assistant extracurricular. She also likes me but I don't have a particularly special connection to her. maybe a 6/10
Advisor: I have an advisory teacher who I really like because he seems my potential but I also think he's kind of scary and don't have a personal connection with him. He's super nice but he's also never been my teacher before. He always says that other teachers are impressed by my ability to handle sports and schoolwork but a lot of my classmates do that so idk maybe 8/10?
Another detail I forgot to mention is that my mom was born in Italy and my dad was born in France (idk if that affects anything). My mom attended college in Italy but my dad went to college in the U.S.