This was probably obvious for a lot of people, but wasn't for me until this week, so I'm putting it out there.
I couldn't understand how some high Pit push builds were able to so cleanly collect packs of mobs for AOE attacks. But this combo works like a charm. Mobs won't aggro on you right away, so if you run ahead of your squad to find a good pack, try this combo:

1. See a pack that hasn't yet aggro'd on you.
2. Optionally Curse them to draw aggro. Not necessary, but can help collect them for the next steps.
3. Pop Blood Mist and float towards them for a second to plant a corpse via Ghastly Blood Mist.
4. Spend the rest of Blood Mist floating back towards your squad.
5. The moment Blood Mist ends (you can even end it early), hit that corpse with Corpse Tendrils.
6. If you didn't Curse them already, Curse them, and if you run it, pop AotD.

Now the Elite pack has been collected and CC'd for neat and tidy Golem AoE and/or Mage gatling guns. It solves the problem of needing skills or minions to spawn a corpse for Tendrils, lets you put the corpse where you want it, and minimizes the time when Elites can bonk you before you've CC'd them.
The downsides include needing to run Blood Mist (which isn't really a downside; it's almost a requirement for the kinds of high Pit tiers that benefit from cheeky strats like this) and losing the Crit Chance boost from Dreadful Blood Mist. It's also harder to pull off with controller than with mouse+keyboard, since you can better pick the corpse to Tendril with a cursor. But it made a really big difference in terms of battlefield control for my high Pit runs, so I thought I'd put it out there for people (like me until recently) who missed this tip.
An (imperfect) example of this: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9KzI0Nwqcww&t=246s
Also, this probably goes without saying, but this is not purely useful for Minion builds; it's just generally helpful for CCing and collecting mobs where you want them. This is just a particularly acute problem for Minion builds when the AI isn't really good.

Lifetime - Staked: 935.9u, Profit/Loss: +11.97u, ROI: 1.28%, Parlay Suggestions: 179-72 Dog of the Week: 13-19, Picks: 14-11 (56% accuracy)
2024 - Staked: 288.8u, Profit/Loss: -21.39u
As always, scroll down for UFC Vegas 93 Breakdowns. The following is just a recap of last event’s results.
~UFC Louisville (PREVIOUS CARD)~
Staked: 14.75u
Profit/Loss: -3.84u
Parlay Suggestions: 2-3
Dog of the week: Jared Cannonier ❌
Picks: 6-8
I just can’t seem to get it right on these fight night cards. Last night’s card certainly wasn’t great for me in terms of reads, but once again there was no luck on my side. The Rosas over 1.5 missed out by eight seconds, and obviously the Cannonier stoppage was widely regarded as contentious. I’m definitely going to be thinking about limiting my exposure to these kind of events, because I just can’t seem to make it work this year. I’ve got 28u profit on PPV cards this year, with 34% ROI. It’s time I paid attention to that and stopped losing money for fun on these low level competitions.
The goal for me is obviously going to break even by the end of the year, which is a miserable game to be playing, but one I believe I can achieve.
~UFC Vegas 93~
Woo, more Apex!
Worth re-iterating again that throughout the month of June I will be cutting a few corners regarding some fights I have no interest in betting. I’m on holiday the week I would otherwise be writing the UFC 303 McGregor write up, and I obviously don’t want to miss my usual Sunday release…so I am working hard to get ahead of schedule and get it all ready for before I fly.
Let’s get into it.

~Alex Perez v Tatsuro Taira~
Amazing how quickly things can turn around in MMA. Literally at the start of this year I was clowning Perez for being inactive, questioning his commitment to his career, and generally dismissing him and considering a fade at any appropriate opportunity. Fast forward six months and he’s potentially in the title picture with a win here, and a guy who cost me money last time.
Perez is talented, I’d always known it. I bet him to beat Figgy back in the day, and I do believe he could have given a great account of himself had he not been sloppy and gotten caught in the early submission. Alex has good striking, and great wrestling…which at Flyweight makes him a serious competitor. I even said in my breakdown for the Mokaev fight that if Alex somehow managed to get back to his best, he’d be a tough fight for Mokaev, or any grappling-based opponent in the division.
We’ve seen a real demonstration of Perez’s abilities this year alone. He showed his potential in the close loss to Mokaev, defending 17 of 20 takedown attempts and just generally muting the successes of Mokaev’s elite crotch-sniffing and mat return wrestling. He parlayed that impressive performance with a main event win over Matheus Nicolau, a well-rounded competitor that has been on the cusp of a title shot for some time. Perez’s striking looked great in that one, and he once again demonstrated that he has sneaky power too.
This main event spot against Tatsuro Taira is obviously going to lend itself more to the Mokaev performance from an analytical perspective, as the undefeated Japanese fighter is obviously a grappler at heart. When you consider Alex Perez’s aforementioned takedown defence against Mokaev, this one gets really interesting.
Tatsuro is clearly taking a massive step up in competition here, with his highest calibre opponent across five UFC appearances otherwise being CJ Vergara or Carlos Hernandez. In most of those fights, Taira has enjoyed grappling control time in approximately half the time he’s been inside the cage, which indicates he’s yet to really be tested in an area where he isn’t comfortable. He has scored knockdowns in two of his fights, but that finishing sequence against Hernandez most recently was pretty much the only time I’ve seen his striking has looked impressive. It’s not bad typically…just very obviously not his strong suit, and he doesn’t really do anything out at distance except jab and lowkick to set up his takedown.
The key difference here when comparing Taira to Mokaev is wrestling cardio. Mokaev’s averaging almost six takedowns per 15 minutes – he invites opponents to stand back up so he can ragdoll them back down. Taira is a different type of grappler, where most of his opponents stay grounded, and a finish comes soon after. The most he has ever landed in a fight is three. It doesn’t mean he can’t wrestle relentlessly…but there is a nuanced difference when it comes to the type of grappler you are.
So can Taira keep wrestling for 25 minutes? Obviously we cannot say for sure, but it wouldn’t surprise me if the Japanese phenom looks very human and beatable if this fight makes it to round three. I’m expecting Perez to ask serious questions of Taira if they spend extended moments on the feet, and the only way to stop that from happening is with a finish, or the ability to land takedowns.
I’m not convinced that Taira’s going to be able to take and hold down Perez, and I’m also not convinced he gets the better of him on the feet. Whilst that statement was true in the Mokaev fight, the British wrestler still managed to defeat Perez…but that was across 15 minutes, and Mokaev has proven he’s got the cardio to pull of that kind of style for a very long length of time.
The early submission threat could definitely be live, and there’s no reason to believe that Taira can’t still win rounds without having to dive for a takedown every 10 seconds. Perez may be coming off a great performance against Nicolau, but he’s still an untrustworthy fighter that makes sloppy mistakes occasionally. His redemption arc began with that competitive performance against Mokaev, but if we’re being honest he actually fumbled a winnable opportunity with a very lacklustre third round.
So in my opinion, this line is too wide…but I don’t trust Perez enough to take the gamble on him here. If this was up in the +200 range then I’d be tempted, but I Perez is still in the untrustworthy category for me, so I just can’t do it at +160. It’s a pass for me, but Perez is the pick.

How I line this fight: Alex Perez +120 (46%), Tatsuro Taira -120 (54%)
Bet or pass: None
Prop leans: Taira Submission early, would probably be the angle I’d look towards.
Live Betting Leans: If Taira goes bat shit with the grappling, there’s a potential angle for Perez to turn the tables here.

~Tagir Ulanbekov v Joshua Van~
The unique selling point of MMA is that it challenges fighters to be equally diverse at striking and grappling disciplines. That’s why we love it, but damn do I wish they’d sometimes consider what they’re doing when they book certain matchups. I understand that the Flyweight talent pool is smaller so options are much more limited, but it’s still frustrating.
Reason being, Joshua Van looks like a very intriguing and exciting striker, but we are only just at the start of his journey to becoming a fan favourite. It’s far too soon to be throwing him in against a Dagestani wet blanket that’s likely going to cuddle him for 15 minutes and tarnish Van’s hype and prospect status. Let the guy marinate a little before you decide his fate. Especially at 22 years old!
Having said that, I’ve no idea if Van’s got the defensive capabilities to win this one. We haven’t seen him face takedowns from anyone who is anywhere near the level of calibre of Tagir Ulanbekov, and without that we can’t even begin to predict how this fight should go. Furthermore, he’s managed to get up pretty well any time he has been taken down, so our knowledge on his defensive grappling is even weaker.
Van is a great striker, so I would expect him to be leading the dance and winning the bout on the feet, but again that lack of experience could easily eat into his confidence and create a reluctance to commit to his striking. We see it time and time again in a striker vs grappler matchup, where suddenly the striker puts on a low volume and outright bad performance on the feet…it’s because they worry that if they throw with any sort of force they’ll be off balance and susceptible to being taken down. Cast your mind back to rounds 2 and 3 of Cesar Almeida vs Roman Kopylov a few weeks ago to see what that looks like.
So I’ve simply got to agree with Tagir being the favourite here. He has proven himself to be a high-level wrestler, his style could naturally nullify Van’s best qualities…and I also just do not have the evidence to believe Van is going to have the tools to stop Tagir’s grappling. Especially at his age. I never used to be particularly high on Tagir as a prospect as he’d had a few underwhelming performances, but the way he dominated Cody Durden was certainly eye-opening to me.
I can’t have too much confidence here considering Van could have Jose Aldo level takedown defence, but it’s likely he doesn’t and that this too much, too soon. I think the line on Ulanbekov should be shorter than I was able to get him. So I played him for 2u at -167. This is more of a play based on experience and logic, than any tape-based stylistics, but I just had to at that price.
How I line this fight: Impossible to say for sure, but Tagir should probably be trusted at -200 or slightly steeper.
Bet or pass: 2u Tagir Ulanbekov to Win (-167)
Prop leans: None, no idea of Van’s defensive abilities.

~Shayilan Nuerdanbieke v Melq Costa~
A showdown between Steve Garcia’s bitches!
Melq Costa has had a weird UFC career so far, he’s either getting dominated, or dominating opponents. He got the opportunity to show off his ability against everyone’s favourite Ai-generated UFC 5 character, Austin Lingo, but that’s not really saying much. No shame in getting shut down and submitted by Thiago Moises, but getting womped by Steve Garcia isn’t the greatest look.
Shaylian Nuerdanbieke is also coming off a loss to Steve Garcia, where Garcia came back from the brink of defeat after a dangerous opening round. It put an end to a run of three successive UFC wins, but the kind of opponents Shaylian was beating were all lower level and similar.
I honestly don’t know what to make of this one. I don’t really know why Melq Costa is -200 here because I think he’s proven untrustworthy enough to not warrant that price, but I’m not sure if Nuerdanbieke is being flattered by facing lower comp. Either way, I didn’t want to look into it any further from that point. Pass from me.
How I line this fight: I didn’t tape it.
Bet or pass: Pass
Prop leans: None

~Ikram Aliskerov v Antonio Troccoli~
Third time lucky for Troccoli trying to make his UFC debut? You’d think that by now I’d have done some tape on the guy, given he’s been waiting to get in there for some long.
15-1 Ikram Aliskerov is one hell of a guy to debut against though…Ikram looks like he could be the real deal. He’s dusted three opponents with complete ease in DWCS/UFC so far, and his only professional loss comes against none other than Khamzat Chimaev.
I’ve no idea about Troccoli, so that’s as far as I can go. Given the high finishing rate of both men, and this being a 205lbs fight, it feels like the -1000 price available on Aliskerov may not have any value (no shit!)…and I obviously don’t want to bet Troccoli on the return. Easy pass, but I’m sure it’s another showcase for an interesting prospect in Aliskerov.
How I line this fight: No idea specifically but Aliskerov large fav.
Bet or pass: Pass
Prop leans: None, there literally cannot be value on Aliskerov’s props unless you’re playing contrarian

~Garrett Armfield v Brady Hiestand~
Garrett Armfield impressed me in that recent performance against Brad Katona. I rated Brad’s minute winning ability very highly before the big focus was put on fight ending intentions, so I definitely made a mistake in trusting him in that spot. Katona’s not a dangerous fighter, so his style relies on domination and flawless defence these days. Damage and fight ending intentions are key factors to consider – and a great example of that is the first round of Brady Hiestand’s win over Fernie Garcia – he won 80% of the minutes in the round, but he got dropped momentarily in the first 20 seconds with one punch and all three judges gave it go Garcia.
Hiestand is riding a hard fought two-fight winning streak coming into this one. I don’t think Danaa Batgerel or Fernie Garcia are comparable wins to Brad Katona, and even less so when you actually dissect them. All three of Hiestand’s UFC fights have seen him get knocked down (unofficially with Garcia, but it was treated like one by the judges!), which is obviously a huge concern…especially when you consider he’s not even a super dangerous guy once he gets top position.
Hiestand’s standup isn’t threatening at all. You can tell he’s uncomfortable. He tries to sit at range and throws a kick or a single punch as he bides his time for his next takedown attempt, but he does so whilst backing up the entire time, so anyone with decent sprawling abilities should be able to see them coming. He is counter-able right after that initial shot too, as Danaa Batgerel figured out.
When Hiestand does get top control time it’s also pretty ugly. He’s very erratic and tries too hard to force a submission attempt (he tries to wrap the arm around for an RNC when he’s got nothing else going on the set up), and it often results in him getting reversed. I saw him end up on his back from having his opponent’s back at least three times. A good scrambler on the mat should have no trouble staying safe, and ultimately finding their way back to the feet if they’re patient.
Hiestand’s biggest strength is definitely his cardio, which was solely responsible for his win over Danaa. That was a very weird stoppage, as Danaa definitely wasn’t defending himself, but the punches from Hiestand were pretty inoffensive that I would imagine Danaa could have gladly eaten them for another 90 seconds and gone on to won an easy 29-28. He did gas though, as he didn’t protest what would otherwise have been a very brutal loss to suffer. It wasn’t exactly an impressive finish from Hiestand, he got very lucky to win that fight as the finish came 100% from Danaa gassing/quitting.
So how does Armfield matchup against all that info on Hiestand? Very well, I think. He’s got nice pressure and great hands that he throws in high volume. His performance against Kazama was basically the exact outcome he wants here. He fights with a low stance to pre-empt the takedown. Against Katona it was more of the same, and despite getting taken down four times he still defended five. He got straight back up every time he was taken down as well. They were mostly bodylock attempts, but I think his defence of single/double legs is better than his bodylocks. He got tired in the third against Brad (it was a high pace fight). But still got up off a takedown in the 14^th minute.
So I think Armfield’s got a very favourable match in front of him. Hiestand’s performance against Danaa was a clear indication that he cannot hang on the feet with a lower-level UFC opponent, so Armfield really should do work with the hands. He’s proven competent enough at stopping Hiestand’s only route to a victory also, so I think this one’s a gift for him. I initially wrote that -200 wasn’t steep enough, so I’m surprised the line continues to get better on him. I’ve played him for 3u at -175 (which is rare these days).
How I line this fight: Garrett Armfield -300 (75%), Brady Hiestand +300 (25%)
Bet or pass: 3u Garrett Armfield to Win at -175
Prop leans: Might be tempted by Armfield KO, serious levels on the feet and Hiestand’s been dropped by everyone he’s fought in the UFC so far.

~Asu Almabaev v Jose Johnson~
Asu Almabaev is looking very impressive, isn’t he? The way he dominated Ode Osbourne was certainly eye-opening, but the way he made light work of CJ Vergara was equally appealing to me. I’ve always said CJ’s a hard guy to look good against, and we also got to see Asu’s cardio look totally fine across 15 minutes.
He faces Jose Johnson for his third UFC appearance. Jose’s been a back-and-forth kind of guy. He has to fight hard for his wins, because he’s like a magnet for grappling. I don’t know how, but the guy has next to no ability to maintain distance and keep fights striking – where he wants them. He’s not a bad grappler when he is on the mat, but it’s still not his preferred place. He also gives up his back worse than anyone I’ve ever seen.
All of that will be music to the ears of Almabaev, who likely justifies his -400 price tag and smothers Johnson with grappling. It’s all well and good showing good grappling ability on top and bottom against Anheliger and Jack Cartwright, but Almabaev is a whole different league. Almabaev likely smokes him here. I played Almabaev in a parlay with Josefine Knutsson for 2u at -110.
How I line this fight: Asu Almabaev -400 (83%), Jose Johnson +400 (17%)
Bet or pass: 2u Assu Almabaev to Win (parlayed with Josefine Knutsson at -110)
Prop leans: Likely a submission win for Asu with the way Johnson gives up his back!

~Miles Johns v Douglas Silva de Andrade~
Miles Johns is an impressive and well-rounded fighter, but he lacks a killer instinct and sometimes has questionable cardio. Whilst those flaws are still good enough for him to get the better of guys like Vince Morales and Cody Gibson, he’ll struggle against more dangerous opponents that can match his pace, throw power, and not get stuck on the bottom.
Douglas Silva de Andrade strikes me as the kind of guy who fits into the latter category there. We know he hits hard, we know he has sneaky submission ability, and we know he can go a confident 15 minutes. He’s never been a high level minute winner, but he’s got the explosiveness to turn the tide of a round in an instant.
It’s not my usual way of thinking or breaking down a fight, but de Andrade just strikes me as the kind of guy who is going to benefit from the recent dismissal of USADA. He’s Brazilian, he’s absolutely jacked, and he’s at that age where he might need a little bit of help in keeping up with the younger guys in the division.
That’s a thought I cannot ignore unfortunately, so it’s enough for me to not want to get involved here. I do lean towards Miles Johns and I did initially want to consider betting him, but 2024 has definitely been a year where a lot of older guys have had a resurgence – fading older fighters is not the reliable narrative that it used to be. I pick Johns, but it’s a pass.
How I line this fight: Miles Johns +100 (50%), Douglas Silva de Andrade +100 (50%)
Bet or pass: Pass
Prop leans: None

~Lucas Almeida v Timmy Cuamba~
Chaotic and explosive hard hitter that cannot defend a takedown faces off against Man not good enough to win on DWCS.
Much variance. Just going to pass on this one.
How I line this fight: Didn’t tape
Bet or pass: Pass
Prop leans: None

~Nate Maness v Jimmy Flick~
Nate Maness is not good enough to be -400 in the UFC. His game revolves around mauling via takedowns.
Jimmy Flick is very, very one dimensional, in that he is submission from guard or bust in pretty much every fight. Whilst sometimes that’s a terrible predicament that leads him to get absolutely destroyed by good strikers…Nate Maness’ style could hand Flick is path to victory on a platter.
Jimmy Flick fights are silly, and the betting odds are always tricky. Flick looks like massive value at the start, but when it falls apart it looks awful.
Easy pass for me. If you wanted to roll the dice, Flick by Submission is the best value bet you can make here.
How I line this fight: Nate Maness -300 (75%), Jimmy Flick +300 (25)
Bet or pass: Pass
Prop leans: Flick by Submission to get the best out of his price.

~Adam Fugitt v Josh Quinlan~
A striker vs grappler affair, but neither guy is particularly good at their side of the duel. Adam Fugitt is an energetic grappler that’s keen to get in your face, but he’s not got the best top control and he can be deterred by a hard hitter.
Josh Quinlan is a guy I’ve been keen to fade since he got the UFC contract, because he very much seems like a R1 finisher or bust. He’s super aggressive and will go hard for the finish, but does leave himself open to being finished himself. Furthermore, he just isn’t a particularly good minute winner either.
I could very easily see Quinlan hitting that early finish against an opponent like Fugitt who isn’t defensively sharp or earning of respect. I could also easily see Fugitt surviving and turning the tide in the second and third. I lean towards Quinlan because I think Fugitt’s approach in the opening round will be asking for trouble, but there’s no way I’d bet on the moneyline here.
How I line this fight: Adam Fuggit +125 (45%), Josh Quinlan -125 (55%)
Bet or pass: None
Prop leans: Betting Quinlan early would probably be the way I’d go, if I had to.
Live Betting Leans: If we’re still going into R2, Fugitt’s chances should increase as Quinlan’s dangerousness fades.

~Carli Judice v Gabriella Fernandes~
Interesting that we’ve got another DWCS split decision loser that’s making a UFC appearance after not getting signed…despite not fighting since. The DWCS fighter laundering continues, as now you don’t even need to win to get a fucking contract.
I actually bet Judice in her DWCS fight. I expected her to have the higher volume and just completely out-hustle her opponent, but weirdly that’s exactly what her opponent did to her. It was a weird one because my read was perfect, just that the other fighter implemented it haha. I also bet Karackaite in her UFC debut, so nice to reclaim a bit of the money lost.
I still think Judice is decent enough for a fighter so inexperienced, and she’s more than just a woman with a 3-1 record. Gabriella Fernandes has historically been unable to stuff a takedown also, which is an interesting narrative that I’m beginning to think about more in the future. I’ve lost two bets this year (Cesar Almeida and Robelis Despaigne) because I didn’t expect their opponents to exploit the obvious grappling disadvantage, so I think it’s worth considering it could be in play for Judice here.
I understand the difference in experience, but this line seems ridiculously wide to me. You simply cannot trust a fighter with bad takedown defence and next to no get ups at -2XX. Judice also isn’t a bad striker, so I don’t think she’s going to get completely obliterated in Fernandes’ world either…so I absolutely can see a path to victory for her.
I’m not going to say I have any idea where the line really should be, but I think fading Fernandes specifically at this price is a totally viable option. I will therefore have 0.5u on Carli Judice at +210.
How I line this fight: Hard to say but definitely not this wide.
Bet or pass: 0.5u Carli Judice to Win (+210)
Prop leans: Judice by Decision, probably

~Julia Polastri v Josefine Knutsson~
I can’t remember if I broke this fight down the first time before it got cancelled, but I couldn’t find it anywhere. I bet Knuttson originally at -250, and luckily for me the price actually got better this time around.
Polastri is a fighter I’m familiar with. She’s rangey, and she’s a decent enough striker. She will finish opponents that aren’t on her level, but her awful takedown defence means that her level will always sit somewhere in the middle of the division.
Josefine Knutsson is quite young in her MMA career, but she’s definitely showing some serious promise. She’s got a decent kickboxing record, and was regarded as one of the best P4P female kickboxers before she transitioned over to MMA. In short, I expect her to have a striking advantage against most opponents, Polastri included.
But what makes this one a confident pick, and what makes Knuttson -225, is that she has used her advantage in the standup to dedicate time to working on her grappling. We saw that in her UFC debut – she may have been fighting a can that had no business being in the cage with her, but she was able to show off her grappling, which looked to be at a pretty decent level. It’s probably still a work in progress, but Polastri’s aforementioned lack of takedown defence should make things much easier to the Swede.
So to summarise, Knutsson should be the better striker, and she can easily mix in the takedowns and win with offensive grappling if she needs to. In a sport like WMMA where the ‘puncher’s chance’ is much less reliable an outcome, I struggle to see how Polastri asserts herself as the dominant fighter here. -250 isn’t short enough, so I’ve got Knutsson in a 2u parlay with Asu Almabaev at -110.
How I line this fight: Josefine Knutsson -300 (75%), Julia Polastri +300 (25%)
Bet or pass: 2u Josefine Knuttson to Win at -110 (parlayed with Asu Almabaev)
Prop leans: None

~Jeka Saragih v Westin Wilson~
Jeka Saragih lost to Anshul Jubli, who has gone on to show you how low level the Asian MMA scene really is. I don’t think many/any of the fighters that came from Road to UFC are going to stick around too long, and Saragih is likely to be included in that. He got a shock win against Lucas Alexander last time (shoutout to me for suggesting that might happen), but a 90 second KO is a great way to fugazi the fans into thinking you’re better than you actually are.
Westin Wilson is a roleplayer who isn’t fit to fight in LFA, let alone the UFC. It’s an absolute joke that he’s fighting for a second time in the company.
Jeka is -300. Horrible price for someone of his calibre, but I understand why Wilson is being given so little chance himself. An ugly fight, and a betting line that captures that well. Just pass.
How I line this fight: no.
Bet or pass: Pass
Prop leans: None

Bets (Bold = been placed)
2u Tagir Ulanbekov to Win (-167)
3u Garrett Armfield to Win (-175)
2u Asu Almabaev & Josefine Knutsson to Win (-110)
0.5u Carli Judice to Win (+210)
0.25u Parlay Pieces (+400)

Parlay Pieces: Tagir Ulanbekov, Asu Almabaev, Josefine Knutsson, Garrett Armfield
Dog of the Week: Carli Judice
Picks: Alex Perez, Tagir Ulanbekov, Ikram Aliskerov, Shayilan Nuerdanbieke, Miles Johns, Timmy Cuamba, Asu Almabaev, Nate Maness, Josh Quinlan, Carli Judice, Josefine Knutsson, Jeka Saragih,

I did a very difficult thing today. We broke up in March. i was extremely controlling and manipulative with her. Not forcibly but in subtle manner. She was actively changer herself to accomodate for my insecure self. At the end, she just had enough of me. She said she was tired of fighting almost every week. We were together for about 11 months before she just had enough of me. Looking back at some of the texts, i can see how i made her life complete hell. i was not a good boyfriend to her. I sucked every bit of life she had when we first met. She was a very joyful person but slowly i was taking that away from her. I wish her very well. I begged, called, and cried many many times but she said all of that was manipu tactics and she wanted nothing to do me anymore. She didnt love me anymore. we actually broke up right close to our anniversary so i gave her a box with some personal stuff and good gift which she enjoyed. She cried too but she said this was for the best. I begged her many times to stay and i cried a lot. She just did not love me anymore. i drove her away. It was all my fault and my doing that ended this relationship.
my last message to her was that I was not going to contact her anymore and that me begging her to stay was a selfish move on my part because i was only thinking of my happiness and my future instead of what she wanted out of life, which was a future that no longer involved my presence. I told her that what i was doing by constantly messaging/calling was actually harrasement and that i was no longer going to continue on that path. Its been over 2 months since absolute no contact and 3 months since we actually broke up.
i blocked her on instagram. Im still keeping mine because i take some cool pictures and I wouldnt want to delete those for myself :’) but i blocked her so i dont run into her or whats going on with her life, it will only hurt me more if i find that she has moved on and enjoying life Or whatever, its a coping mechanism at this point and its better for me at the end of the day. I had her phone number blocked, unblocked, blocked again, unblocked again and blocked again and again and again for a while now. Its a constant cycle and I just could not take it anymore. So i called my carrier today and changed my phone number completely. There is absolutely no way in hell that she can reach out to me.
i am extremely broken inside but i believe that this step in my journey is necessary and will serve as a defining moment in my road to healing. i did not treat her well, it was a toxic relationship. I showered her with love at one moment and the next moment, i was crucifying her for something that seems so absurd now that i look back at it. It was my fault and i entirely deserve this breakup.
i dont want to keep out any more hope that she will ever reach out to me. Having her unblocked will only force me to ponder and hope. i am killing that hope today by changing my number.
im not looking for any advice or anything, i dont have any friends at all, she was the only person i spoke to on a daily basis so i just wanted to rant here for a bit.
sorry

I believe in Qadr the good and bad but is it ok for me to despise my Qadr? I’ve asked 3 women at different times of my life for marriage and got rejected 3 times because of my skin color. The women were Palestinian, Pakistani and Egyptian. I’m Senegalese American with over 10+ generations of Muslims in my family. I was raised my whole life in the Masjid, taught that all Muslims are brothers according to the Prophet peace and blessings upon him. Each time I spoke with the woman’s fathers they said I have good character but said youre dark skin and they don’t want the embarrassment that it comes with in their communities. The Egyptian father who is not even a Hashemite was bragging in my face saying that he comes from a lineage of scholars and won’t ever marry his daughter to a black man. The Palestinian father laughed in my face when I said I make 3600/month, he said that’s chump that’s change for his daughter. My pursuit for marriage cost me 6 years of headache. In that time 3 younger siblings of mine got married before me and I became the laughing stock of my own community and household. I can’t even hold my head up high anymore I’m 30 years old. I dont step out the house anymore besides jum’ah prayer. I loathe running into high school peers who have everything from a house, nice car and family of their own because of fear I might give them evil eye. I graduated as the Valecdictorian in HS now I’m the one who was left behind and with no confidence. Why are Christians accepting of all skin colors for marriage while the Muslims who were commanded to make Marriage easy regardless of ethnic background the ones so high on pride and greed? The funny thing is I was told by multiple other African brothers on how internally racist the men and women in these countries are. If I taken their advice seriously I would've probably been married right now. Plenty of night for Tahajjud for marriage to these women at separate times of my life, wasted. I was so blinded asking Allah to change the hearts of their parents because the love was mutual between me and the women I pursued. Just heartbreak after heartbreak. Even my Risq is nothing in their eyes. Lol I can't believe my so called brothers view themselves superior because of their ethnic background or skin color. So when does this "indeed, Hardship will come ease" turn out? Not like im expecting anything from it, I don't have any respect in my household or community. Before you lot go on saying it's not all families that are racist I have a quote a Somali brother told me, "Muslims think of each other as brothers until a Black Muslim asks for their daughters hand in marriage." i laughed so hard at this haha may Allah bless the brother for the wisdom wish it reached my ears earlier.

Good marrow, bonelickers!
Early last month I announced the 19th Speedlang Challenge. I broke the mould with it a little bit by confining how the ambitious among you would actually put together your speedlangs rather than defining a number of requisite features. The bulk of this process had speedlangers root all their creative linguistic decisions in a small set of natlangs, and these natlangs specifically had to be native to areas representative of a chosen clade of organisms. To ensure the clade of organisms was well represented, I also asked for a number of lexical items and conceptual metaphors that had to be specifically inspired by the clade in some way, as well as some aspect of the phonology.
Like last time, I'll provide my thoughts about what I think makes each submission special and the features I particularly like. Afterwards, I'll quickly review what was inspired by the chosen clade, in case that has any bearing on what you kind readers might like to check out, and give out brownie points for any easter eggs I spot, whether intended or not.
Overall this has been a deeply creative round of submissions and I learned a lot, both things I set out to achieve when I thought up this particular challenge. I hope it was just as rewarding a challenge for everyone who submitted as it was for me getting to read up on each entry, and I hope it will be the same for anyone who reads up on them, too.
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Seba Bàsa by Miacomet

Gyps (griffon vultures); Chamic, Bengali, Santali & Mundari
With a name including the element Bàsa, I knew this had to have Indic flavours of one sort of another, and indeed it does! This conlang is largely Austronesian in origin with sound changes from Old Cham, but it has a lot of Bengali influence and is well situated in the Indian subcontinent, and I greatly appreciate the nod to Parsi funerary traditions as an inspiring reason for choosing Gyps. Amusingly, this conlang has many features that fit right into the inspiration for the last speedlang challenge, which I find just delightful, with some split-S marking, dative enclitics, and grammaticalised constructions for simultaneous and sequential events, and light pronouns. Therebeside, the historical clipping, CVK syllable structure, postpositional pronouns, and aspectual auxiliaries speak to sensibilities in my own conlanging, and the dissimilation processes in some of the affixes are a nice touch, too. I'm also a big of fan just how the split-S system is implicated in some verbal polysemy, and I really like how the few voices seem kinda muddy but have clear use cases. What really sets this conlang apart, though, is the consideration paid to the effect of prestige languages. Some phonemes are restricted to loanwords from the local prestige language, and one is even only confined to prestige language-educated speakers, which causes some allophony other speakers don't have. Loaning processes are detailed, too, and the number and classifier system also draws nice lines along the prestige axis with a total of 3 parallel number systems, spread out across both divisions of native vs. loaned classifiers, which themselves have specific semantic domains they each classify, and across divisions of prestige language education. The story at the end, too, is a real treat: it's a translation of Hindu vulture myth, perfect for this project.
Seba Bàsa's Gyps-inspired phonology includes the development of creaky voice from the loss of glottals, glottalised consonants, and final /s/ in Old Cham to recall vulture cries. It's inspired lexicon includes some fun polysemy of vulture behaviours like circling = waiting or sheepling = looking for something desirable. I'm also a big fan of kite (the bird) = messy eater. It's inspired conceptual metaphors include dividing the beginning, middle, and end of a process into eating skin, meat, and bones, respectively, and equating head height/position with one's health or comfortableness as inspired by how vultures droop their heads when ill.
We're starting off string with double brownie points for meeting both the space epic easter egg by calquing the Ewokese word for 'outsider' and the empress easter egg by referring to Buddha's Birthday!
​

Kogëdek by u/Porpoise_God

Setonix & Macropodidae more generally (quokkas + kangaroos & wallabies); Noongar, Pitjantjatjara, Wajarri, Guugu Yimithirr, Miriwoong, Guniyandi, Dyirbal, Mbabaram
Aside from the one splant you'll soon see, I think this entry gets the prize for the most unique chosen clade by being A) not a bird, and B) not an ungulate. As great as birds are, quokkas are pretty amazing, too. I'm not too familiar with Pama-Nyungan languages but this did a good job of affecting some of the features I've come to know them for, including but not limited to the phonological natural classes of peripheral vs. coronal, coverb constructions, and the word for 'dog' bearing a striking similarity to English. Split-ergativity features across the noun-pronoun axis, and there's a unique set of duals that specifically refer to sibling, parent-child, or spousal pairs of individuals that I might have to steal for myself. The case marking includes a lative case I haven't seen before, and implicates the comitative in a neat way in comparative constructions. I also appreciate the what-looks-to-be resumptive subject pronominal proclitics; very speedlang 18, and a great example of a fossilised mistake, which I always love to see! The verbs also feature multiple conjugations, and the imperative is implicated for its tenselessness in certain subclause constructions, which has a certain type of quirkiness I'd expect out of some past speedlang challenges.
Kogëdek's Setonix-inspired phonology included a /ç/ in the proto-lang, which bears some resemblance to quokka calls, although it was lost to /s/ and /x/ in the modern language. The inspired lexical entries include roots for different kinds of macropods and styles of jumping, and conflates jumping with breathing. Some of the idioms include "pouch-baby" for pejorative "mama's-boy" and using kangaroo badassery as a metaphor for all sorts of less than ideal situations.
Brownie points for a particularly insidious word-form for 'father'.
​

Yatakang by Lichen

Bubalus (water buffaloes); Hindi-Urdu, Thai, Vietnamese, Khmer, Burmese, Malay
This one's a little rough around the edges, but it's a good foundation for a nice mix of both SEA features, like the isolating morphosyntax, and unique features, like the class agreement system. It's also got clicks limited to avoidance speech! Diachronics from a proto-lang where considered, and I really like how the typologies of the inspo langs were used as targets for the sound changes. I'll have to keep this workflow in mind! Some of the sound changes include expanding the number of stop contrasts to match the average number of contrasts, or eroding the number of vowels to match that of Malay. Phonotactics were carefully considered with full structures for both mono- and disyllables as well as bare roots vs. compound stems. Grammatically, morphology is mostly limited to a host of different reduplication patterns, which in itself is something I'd really like to see more of! Where this really shines, though, is with its agreement system: nouns are sorted into a 3x2 matrix of 6 classes, portmanteau agreement particles mark for the class of both the subject and the object, the system implicates the social hierarchies common to many SEA languages, and the position of the particle marks modality. Incredibly inspired to pack all that into a set of maybe 36 particles, if you ask me, never mind how it helps to disambiguate fluid word class and how it might be implicated in future plans for Indonesian object-oriented verbs. I'm also a fan of how the temporal question verb patterns like an agreement particle to mark for tense by co-opting the modality marking. We also get some prosody-syntax interfacing with different pitch contours at clause boundaries operating as different sorts of conjunctions.
Yatakang's Bubalus-inspired phonology includes a combination of creaky voice and syllabic nasals to affect a mooing phonaesthetic. The lexical entries exhibit some nice semantic drift from water buffalo activities and behaviours towards more human behaviours, and the planned phrase of hat-hand stroke fur for "suddenly realise a problem, and then pretend there isn't one" just feels exactly like an observation a water buffalo would make observing its human, which I really like. The inspired metaphors are also simple and straightforward, likening roundedness to goodness or knowledge to food, which makes for some brilliantly idiomatic language like "I ate the book" to mean "I read and understood the contents of the book."
Extra brownie points for including both halves of the space epic easter egg to placate both sides of nerddom; the term 'tax-man' is everything it ought to be.
​

Kurikiri by Jjommoma

Casuariiformes (cassowaries and emus); Dhuwal, Motu, Tok Pisin
Compared to most other entries, this one's very short and sweet with some Australian sounds and some head-final Papuan grammar (however loose a description that is). That being said, Kurikiri is very inventive in being partially signed with much of its grammatical marking encoded by actions done with the foot, including number, case, definiteness, and some basic TAM.
Aside from the cassowary foot action grammar markers, as well as some lexical entries there-related, Kurikiri also equates flightedness to being ostentatious, disdaining flighted birds out of envy, which I think is a fun thought process for these terrestrially confined birds. There's also some neat phonosemantics in the taboo word for predator being especially difficult to pronounce.
This wasn't the intent, but I'm giving some space epic brownie points for the foot grammar if for nothing else than that it reminds me of Paul Frommer's Thark from John Carter and its telepathic grammatical and verbal lexical expression.
​

Whaynisiday by u/Fimii

Spheniscidae (penguins); Māori, Xhosa, Quechua
What do you do when the entire population of penguins achieves human-like levels of intelligence after some gene splicing and they start calling for a language to call their own? Why, you do exactly what the prompt of this challenge asks for and combine the languages native to the homeland of the blue, african, and humboldt penguins! The write up for this conlang does a great job of pointing out what features are from which language exactly, and plays a fun balancing game between some of the phonological and grammatical extremes in its sourcelangs. In so doing it has a few quirks that really tickle the intersection of my linguist and conlanger venn diagram, specifically the presence of what I'd have to interpret as onset morae, as well as semantic noun class marked solely through agreement (which is very Varamm, so I'm not at all biased towards it). There's a handful of fun, rare cases, and the simulative mood fits right into the inspirations for the last challenge to create some vaguely Tupian simultaneous actions. There's a bunch more little grammatical bits that are fun, but impressionistically I appreciate how the more isolating grammar of Māori was incorporated into the synthetic common ground of the other 2 sourcelangs.
Whaynisiday's Spheniscidae-inspired phonology includes a couple syringeal sounds to complement the otherwise human capable inventory. The highlighted lexical entries pay special attention to how penguins locomote with basic stems for different kinds of movement options both on land and in the water, as well as a split in breathing for whether its on land at rest or in the water being active. The conceptual metaphors include a great model of time with the past on land and the future in the inky depths, and the very adorable notion that safety = community, and so naturally a farewell would be a wish of friendship.
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Poro by The Inky Baroness

Rangifer tarandus subsp. (domestic reindeers); Proto-Samic, Komi-Zyrian, Tundra Nenets, Chukchi
Where do I even begin with this one? I was excited to read this one when I first received it, but it was even better than I could have hoped when I got round to reading it! Although, not for any linguistic reasons: the first half of the doc reminds me of Gillian Teft's Anthro-Vision as an anthropological account of reindeers written by a fictitious Finnish researcher rather than any sort of sketched reference grammar, which I love dearly. The latter half, meanwhile, goes into great detail about what went into the first half, including all sorts of motivations or reasons for the decisions made. Some diachrony is detailed, as well as the effects of language contact rooted in actual historical events relevant to the chosen sourcelangs, which is just great to see. I loved the ways in which each of the different sourcelangs were all represented in the final product with it being Samic in origin but including some phonological and grammatical borrowings from Komi and Nenets like the lack of consonant gradation, the verb-final syntax, some vowel changes, and a fantastic predestinative affix that interacts with the conceptualisation of time in some neat ways. All the while, care was taken to do a wealth of research at every step in the process with a fairly extensive bibliography. Hoof clicks all around for this one!
Poro's Rangifer-inspired phonology includes a deer bellow as some sort of epiglottal obstruent that actually patterns with the Nenets glottal stop, as well as some other approximated reindeer vocalisations including what I presume to be grunts or chuffs, both oral and nasal. Care was also taken to think about what a fully reindeerised descendant of Proto-Samic would look like as accords with the included etiological myth for reindeers and reindeer husbandry, but this was well beyond the scope of a speedlang. The lexical entries include all sorts of terms for reindeer physiology, including but not limited to antler velvet, different types of vocalisations, and hoof clicks. These lexical entries feature in some wonderful idioms using antlers to describe social hierarchy, useful- or uselessness, and glibness or malicious intent, as well as an equivalent to "when pigs fly": "to catch a bird between one's hooves."
Extra brownie points both for the nominal hierarchical exaltation of mothers baked into reindeer culture and inclusion of an anti-imperialist message in promoting the research of the under-represented and often stigmatised language and culture of traditionally reindeer herding peoples. Also do keep an eye out for Dr. Dolittle easter eggs: Inky will reward you handsomely if you can spot one!
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Kiwi by NerpNerp

Apteryx & Novaeratitae more broadly (kiwis + cassowaries & emus); English, Māori, Traditional Tiwi, Miriwoong, Bardi
Given the number of bird entries with Indo-Pacific flavours, I'm almost half surprised this was the only kiwi entry: they're such good birbs! As might be expected, this conlang endeared itself to me just as its namesake does. The phonology has all sorts of trills and rhotics, and limits itself to high vowels; it's also got some neat phrase level prosody to mark different sorts of modal information and focus, even including an intrusive glottal stop at the sentence level. Noun incorporation is varied and detailed, and can create some polysynthetic constructions as a consequence of just how exactly the rest of the otherwise fairly analytic morphosyntax works. I'm a particular fan of the deictic categories including 7 different degrees of deixis characterising both distance and motion, and I'm also a fan of of the grammaticalised time of day. Heximal numbers and coverb constructions also feature. There's even a kiwi-capable featural alphabet that each of the examples show off!
Kiwi's Apteryx-inspired phonology includes the trills and high vowels being inspired by kiwi calls and I imagine a little of their anatomy with those long, thin bills. The inspired lexemes include specific types of smells humans can't detect at the expense of any colour terms, reflecting kiwis nocturnal, smell-based lifestyles. The idioms for "a long time ago" or "once upon a time" is absolutely delightful--"when kiwis flew"--and the grammaticalised time of day subdivides the night but not the day, as might be expected from a nocturnal beastie.
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Asamiin by Christian Evans

Asamina (pawpaws); Ottawa, Unami, Tuscarora, Mikasuki, Chitimacha, Timucua
The speech that nourishes! And a splant, too, no less; I was hoping for at least one of these! This one's made all the better by delving into some Eastern North American languages and I really like the flavours this lends itself to. Syncope is abound with all sorts of morphological obfuscation through detailed phonological processes, and animacy plays a key role in the verb complex. Care was also taken to find a phonological common ground between all the sourcelangs, which made for a really interesting set of vowels with a basic 6 vowel inventory, but with 2 nasal vowels that can surface as vocalic allophones to the nasal consonants. The grammar is fairly straightforward but has a few quirks that I really appreciate, including but not limited to the fluid O placement to make for some syntactic focusing strategies I so adore and the optional, enclitic case marking narrowed by various postpositions used as another, separate means of focus. Overall just really well laid out and the formatting is really cute, something I've now come to expect after Yumpịku last time.
Asamiin's Asamina-inspired phonology includes a pharyngeal approximant to recall the really long taproot pawpaws grow, as well as regressive sibilant harmony to recall the mimicry the flowers employ to attract pollinators, both of which are some really inspired departures from the sourcelangs.
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Ekaangäq by Atyx

Haliaeetus pelagicus (Steller's sea eagle); Chukchi, Alyutor, Koryak, Itelmen, Ainu, Nivkh, Evenki, Uilta
A bird that escapes any Indo-Pacific flavours? Well I'll be! Instead of South Pacific this one gives all sorts of North Pacific energy being spoken by a population of eaglefolk native to the Sea of Okhotsk and representative of the languages spoken along its coasts. The Ainu flavours are especially strong with both an Ainu-based consonant inventory and a kana orthography, among others. The vowels also show some interesting lopsidedness with 2 creaky vowels complementing an otherwise fairly straightforward 6 vowel system that feature in a front-back vowel harmony system, though I'm a real fan of the sandhi rules at word boundaries that cause all sorts of fun consonant alternations. Word stress is also detailed and has funky placement rules at odds with my understanding of theoretical prosodic processes! Grammatically there's a few quirks that really stand out to me and tickle my curiosity: a dual distinction on the nouns but not in the pronouns, and polypersonal agreement in a transitive alignment system, the only departure from direct, accusative, and/or ergative alignment in this round of submissions. I also appreciate some of the syncretism in the pronouns!
Ekkangäq's Haliaeetus-inspired phonology includes entirely unrounded vowels and a lack of any labial consonants to reflect the speakers have beaks, as well as the 2 creaky vowels as rooted in their physiology, a common theme for this challenge. The lexicon includes some distinctions between diving and eating as it applies to different kinds of prey. The conceptual metaphor, though, I think is really great equating the passage of time with ice: an iceberg calving off a glacier is birth, melting is ageing, and melting all away is dying. Great stuff!
I think I actually have to give negative brownie points for this one: as much as I appreciate 3 separate orthographies (Kana, Cyrillic, Latin) for some historicity, they are all at odds with the anti-imperialism the brownie criterion requires, and there's no girl power to balance it out.
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Taqồpaq by accruenewblue

Gallus (jungefowl); Hindi-Urdu, Burmese, Thai, Punjabi, Tamil, Indonesian
I'm a little surprised this is, I think, the only truly tonal submission despite all the SEA birds, and it's less synthetic than most in this round of submissions. In either case, this one does a great job of illustrating some tonogenesis and some recent and still very transparent synthetic developments from a formerly isolating language. The tones are simple registers, but they interact with morae in some neat rightwards reassigning sandhi patterns, and they complement a system of 12 vowels in a 3x2x2 matrix of height, frontedness, and roundedness. There's even some vocalic nasal allophones (which is twice now in this round of submissions), and labial consonant-vowel harmony to boot! Grammatically I greatly appreciate all the call-outs for similarities to natural languages, and I wanna shout-out the use of a positive tag question instead of negative. The numbers have this funky sexagesimal base with an octal sub-base and remnants of an old decimal sub-base, which recalls some of the duodecimal remnants in the otherwise decimal system of many European languages.
Taqồpaq's Gallus-inspired phonology includes the tonal system being described as recalling a rooster's crow. The lexicon includes roots for all things chicken, including using the word for 'wattle' as a classifier for hanging things, which is so delightfully what I wanted out of this challenge. The more idiomatic language makes use of chicken behaviours as descriptors: dust baths are metaphors for something useful but not everyone's cup of tea, and continuing to brood after the chicks have hatched is a metaphor for doing a good thing so long it has negative consequences.
Extra brownie points for exalting queen Trưng, first queen of Vietnam, and a nationalist hero who fought against Chinese imperialism. Double whammy right there!
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Ngālin by u/borago_officinalis

Aptenodytes forsteri (emperor penguins); Awabakal, Māori, Norwegian
We already had a penguin splang but this one's a nice twist by focusing on the territorial claims of Antarctica rather than the ranges of more temperate inclined penguins where there are actually native languages. This does a great job of shirking the indigenous implication in the language selection step of the challenge (although I'm very glad to see no English or Spanish), so there's a really neat mix of isolating Māori particles with a fusional Germanic verbal system, and I was able to easily pick up on both reading through the doc. The verb system actually pleases me greatly with a strong/weak contrast and a V2 word order wherein the strong verbs mark tense through stem change and the weak verbs with a tense auxiliary, all whilst maintaining a very Polynesian aesthetic despite the very Germanic number of vowels. The Māori possessive system is also really fun, I think. I can't speak to the Awabakal influences, but I was able to pick up on the one, tiny Mapudungan influence of tone tag particles before it was even explicitly mentioned! Not sure where the negation system came from, but it implicates the weak verbs in a way I so adore. Really sweet, despite the fun grim facts about emperor penguin hatchlings, and I found this one just darling. The myth at the end about how penguins lost their ability to fly is also real treat and is a perfect fit for the project.
Ngālin doesn't have any A. forsteri-inspired phonology, but it makes up for it with the inspired lexicon and idiomatic language. The emperor penguin breeding cycle is detailed with translations for all the important terms along the way, including but not limited to the ritual of transferring egg from mother to father and "motherless" to refer to a newborn, whose mother hasn't yet returned from the sea. There's some great, everyday idioms elided down from full phrases for greeting and consoling another penguin being "which way?" and "next year", and conceptualising a long distance as specifically the distance from colony to see is a nice touch. I also appreciate how the relationship between creche-mates is more important than that between (half-)siblings.
I have to give queen exaltation brownie points purely for the one illustrative example of āmā o pipa "hatchling's mum" grammatically indicating the senior authority of an empress penguin.
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Honourable Mention

I've been kept somewhat apprised of a Urile (North Pacific cormorants) splang by u/PastTheStarryVoids. It's still very much in the works, but it sounds funky with both some polysynthetic flavours, no doubt inspired by some PNW languages, I imagine, and some formorant (cormorant formant) analysis! Keep an eye out for it, I'm sure it'll grace the sub in due time!
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And that's everything I've seen in the time I put together this showcase. I know there were a few among you all who felt inspired but couldn't put anything together during the course of this challenge. I remember mention of a banana and a tree kangaroo splang on the announcement post. If anyone ever uses the challenge to inspire a future project of theirs, please keep me apprised! I'd be interested in seeing them if for nothing else than to see some more projects outside of South Asian and Oceanian birds, as great as those birbs are. I can't believe I didn't see a single monotreme or non-ungulate eutherian, and that there weren't any non-avian reptiles or anything fully aquatic! And no fossil clades, too, for that matter! I'm positive there are the makings of some really funky splangs if the relevant modern continental and climactic boundaries didn't yet exist.
In any case, I hope all parties involved had a great deal of fun through the course of this challenge! I know I did! Until next marrow, bonelickers!

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Hi, all. This is one of my favorite subreddits. I started swimming last year at the age of 31 and have come a long way. I'm now at a point where I can confidently swim almost anywhere (even in the ocean). I swim multiple times a week at my local YMCA. Swimming is now my sanctuary.
Based on my experience, I want to provide some tips for all the adults who want to learn how to swim.

1. By far the biggest hurdle that most people experience is the fear of water or fear of drowning. I won't go into why many people have this fear, but before you make any significant progress in swimming, you have to get rid of this fear. When I started, one thing that I leaned on was a little bit of self-talk about the laws of physics. The laws of physics say that if you have air in your lungs, you will float 100% of the time. This is a natural law. So when getting into the water, always remember that if you're calm and holding your breath, you can simply float on the water.
2. Related to this, the way I approach deep water vs shallow water is relying on the same law. No matter if it's 4 feet or 40 feet, you will float. The only way to get rid of your fear is by experiencing it and moving past it. So you have to put yourself in the pool frequently to understand how the physics works and how your body moves.
3. Once you've gotten to a point where you can confidently be in the water and float, the next step is mastering the techniques of movement. This includes kicking, breathing, and stroking. As with anything worth doing, it will take lots of practice to become good at doing all three effortlessly. Unless you're training for something specific, don't worry about how long it takes you to nail down swimming techniques. Everyone is different. Make sure you get into the pool at least 2-3 times per week to practice.
4. Watch the professionals. The number of YouTube videos I've watched of professional swimmers is comical. Learn how professionals and Olympians swim with near-perfect technique, speed, and efficiency. You'll likely never get up to their level but you'll have a sense of what good swimming technique looks like. After watching, practice it in your next session. Then keep doing that over and over again.

I don't want to make this post too long so I'll stop here. Good luck on your swimming journey!

This has been the HARDEST year of my life.
This year has been such a difficult year for me. First I want to make it known I have BPD which makes my emotions severally more intense. Possible Trigger warning before reading on..
Back on December 20th I lost my mother, to cancepneumonia/severe fungal infection in lungs. It was so hard on me for many reasons. I live in Texas, when she has been up in Northern Illinois past three years with her sistemy aunt taking care of my grandma who was diagnosed with dementia. Well, my brother called me on December 8th or 9th while I was just getting into work and informed me that I need to get up there ASAP, he is booking a flight for me... I broke down. I let work know what was going on. I went right up the next day. Well I was informed since I was the Medical POA I had to be there. My work was not happy with this. Due to my mothers condition we didn't know what was going to happen at that time. A week passed after being by my mothers side seeing her decline bad. It haunts me still on all I seen. Well work had me call, it was a 3 way call with HR, and my boss. This was on 15th at that time. They said "I need to be back before that Friday, or I will have to be let go. (Please note I have not yet been there a year so was unable to fall under FMLA) They did inform me, I could still have a job when I get back however my position will not be available (which means it will be a lower position with worse pay.) I told them I will let them know. Well I can just hear my mom saying "Don't risk your job, never do this no matter what." I had a great paying job. I get my mom wants me to have that security. Well, at this time my mom was not all mentally there.
Sorry I will get back to that response A.D.D skipping somewhere first. Which added to my stress at this time and heart ache. We were told by Hospice caseworker my mom was going to die, next day doctor said no she has a fighting chance, next day noo she is going to die. It went back and forth with that for few more days, where we were finally told she is going to pass.
Okay so back to where I was at. My mom was having a good day it was now the 17th or so. That morning my brother and I sat and spoke with my mom. We asked her if she wanted to try and fight this or if she was ready. She decided(I am grateful because that would have landed on me) she is so tired of fight, she fought cancer, gave a kidney, been battling depression for years and last few years she was already wanting to give up on life.) She was making her peace with god. It was a tearful moment. We all made her aware we would be okay. Well I had to ask her, even though I knew the answer, if I should risk my job and stay there? She said do risk your job. Told me how much she loved me, and she knows I belong down in Texas and if I lose this job how will I be able to survive?.. So I let work know I will be at work by Friday. My aunt and I both had to return to Texas for medical or work reasons. So we said our good byes to my mother on Wed 20th at 11 A.M. Both so heart broken. I got on plane, it took off at 1:06 PM or so. I have a time stamp of a video looking over the clouds at 1:36 PM... Had a layover in New Orleans, had a text from my brother saying to call him... I knew.... He told me, he was on his way up to see her. However she passed away at 1:36PM. Before he could arrive.... my mom died alone.... It kills me to this day, I wasn't there. I have so much built up resentments towards my job...
Well fast forward to day before mothers day. Again on my way to work, my Aunt wanted me to call her... Called her, she told me She was down in Texas with Grandma visiting her great grandbabies and grandson. Well She had a massive stroke that morning... My heart dropped. I called into work, again telling them all that is going on. My grandma at this point was on life support, she was a vegetable. On May 26th she passed. I felt my world has fallen apart. I lost my mother who raised me, and my grandmother who had also raised me when my mom was in school. I felt myself spiral. I now feel beyond lost. We had a double service June 1st it was beautiful. Work would only allow me 3 day bereavement, took flight back to Illinois. Again so mad and upset with my place of work. Showing no care for their employees.
So I found out the other day, my Grandma and mom had made it to where I won't have to financially worry about life anymore. I have security and a nest egg as you can put it. I been seeing my horoscope past few months saying how Geminis year to financial security and yadda yadda yadda will happen.... I just never would have thought it to happen this way...
I am grieving so bad, crying always waves hitting me. I was getting better with these waves after couple months when my mom passed. However losing my grandma reopen those wounds... Well now I been in debate on saying screw my job, moving back north which I HATED living there. A lot bad memories and PTSD happen there. However, now I just want to be close to my dad. Besides my brother he is all I have left. I know I don't have a lot of time with him, he is an active meth user, and alcoholic, and has MS. I have seen him die in front of me 5 or 7 times since I was 13 I am 35 now. All I want to do now though is have him close, spend those last moments with him. He has stepped up a lot and acting like a dad now, never really did before he would act more like a friend. ...
However I have my life here, I have a partner I been with for 2 years, who I love dearly. I have house, animals, a life pretty much here in Texas.... I just keep battling on if I would be doing the right thing, and quitting my job, leaving this life behind including my partner because they have a kid they can't just up and move. or Just try and visit more? However I know my job will make that nearly impossible... atm everything leans towards quitting this job, looking for another before of course but I don't know my impulsive side wants to just tell them all to kick rocks.
Thank you for letting me vent. I just feel so lost, and alone.

For 7 years, she was everything to me. She was my best friend, my life partner, my intimate lover. Our connection was profound. My years with her were the happiest of my life. We had our issues, but I was always sure that our love was strong enough to overcome any problems together. I never thought I'd lose her.
I won't get into all the details yet again, but in year 7 she decided that her feelings for me had changed. She said she no longer wanted a romantic relationship, and I was crushed. Still, she wanted to be friends because our bond was too special and rare to just completely throw away, but I made that really difficult because I was unable to let go of my heartbreak over the loss of our romantic relationship. The more I struggled to get that back, the more she resented me for it and drifted further and further away.
One day we had an argument over text. I was angry, hurt and confused because she had been ignoring and ghosting me for weeks. She said that if she hasn't responded it's because she doesn't want to talk to me, and that my repeated efforts to communicate with her were only making it worse. I was feeling so hurt and abandoned. I missed my best friend. I couldn't find the strength to just back off and I kept trying to get through to her. She didn't appreciate my persistence. I tried to explain to her that I was just in pain, that I missed her and was feeling the loss of all we had shared. I asked her to please just be patient with me, please just be kind and speak with me but she wouldn't listen. She finally got really angry and told me not to contact her anymore. I couldn't bear the thought of losing her forever. I couldn't imagine being estranged from her. I insisted that we just talk and that we could figure it out, that I couldn't bear to lose her completely, even our friendship. She threatened to use the police if I didn't leave her alone, and she did.
In February, she filed charges against me. An automatic order of protection was issued along with the charges. To the readers here, please understand that I was just grief stricken. I was never a threat to her, never in my life would I be. I just couldn't bear to lose her forever so I desperately kept trying anything I could to repair the situation. She blocked and cut me off in every way. Completely disappeared. I'm in big legal trouble. I still can't wrap my head around how after all our years of love and happiness together she could take such steps to damage my life.
It seems like she convinced herself that I was someone I wasn't. She somehow forgot all we once meant to each other. That I loved her kids like they were my own. How my own kids loved her like their second mom, and she ghosted them too. She forgot how I was always there for her when she needed me. That I was there for her children in ways even their own father wasn't. She just erased me and never looked back. She used my cries for help against me. My life is ruined, and she never even cared enough to be there for me for even a moment to help me through my pain and grief.
I've been utterly unable to come to terms with all that's happened. It's been the most profoundly painful and damaging thing I've ever experienced. Not only her total loss, but the way she stabbed me in the back and left me to bleed out, hurting and alone. How I CAN'T contact her because she'll only use it to hurt me even further. It's all so senseless. It feels like I'm stuck in an alternate reality that should never have happened, a nightmare that never ends. It's changed me. There isn't a moment when she's not in my thoughts. I can't remember the last time I smiled. I've lost 12 pounds I couldn't afford to lose. I live in constant pain, torment, trauma and fear. It's affected my physical health.
I have no family aside from my children. I gave all of myself to her, all of my free time for 7 years, so I have no other friends. I am utterly alone to suffer all of this pain by myself.
I wish I had had the strength to just back off. Would it have changed anything? I don't know, but at least I would not be living in fear of criminal conviction just because I was in too much pain to resist trying to speak with her. Still, she didn't need to do this. I was never a threat to her. All I needed was some patience and kindness. I know she will never love me again and that hurts in ways I cannot even put into words. But all of these months later I can't seem to move on or escape from the agony of the loss and the damage that's been done to my life. Even if I could get her out of my thoughts, even if I could move past the wrongness of what's happened, the legal issues will keep me bound to it. I can't reconcile how she could ever care for me so little to do something like this to me.
What I now crave is closure. Catharsis. I want one final opportunity to sit with her one last time, hear her thoughts and feelings and tell her mine. I want answers. I want to know why and how she could do this to me. I don't want a confrontation, I want peace. I need that. I feel like I can't move on with the unresolved weight of all of this hanging around my neck. I can't feel at peace without making peace with her. With feeling that she hates or fears me. I need to be able to speak with her in order to close this chapter in a healthy way. But she will never give me that.
I don't know what to do anymore. I'm so tired of living in bear heartache and fear. A year ago I was so happy, and now I'm a broken shell of who I once was. Therapy isn't helping. Antidepressants aren't helping. I can't escape the pain of half of my soul betraying me, getting ripped from my heart and walking away without looking back.
Please help me.

I'd like to open this discussion by telling what I think makes the game unbalanced, but it's not necessarily about the cards. These are just a few points, let me know what you think.

1. The lack of a draw. I'm an old player (I've been playing since they released the first time, then stopped when they left the fisherman, and then picked it up again for a year now) and the absence of a draw is one of the things that honestly still makes me strange to see. I don't know what the motivation for this choice was, but I think it should be reviewed given that now we have the new towers: imagine having the DD as a tower and playing against the classic tower, towers that have a difference in HP. Now imagine playing a perfect game, where your opponent has almost flawless defense and you deal little damage to him in an entire game, while you take 0 damage. In this hypothetical scenario, you are destined to lose, not because you played badly, but because you chose a different tower than your opponent. This is to tell you that in my opinion forced victory or defeat has lost a lot of meaning with the introduction of the new towers, as well as being a senseless thing in itself: in competitive games it would be enough to let a draw be equivalent to not going up a step (but not to lose it, unlike defeat), and simply to earn 0 trophies
   
2. Two evolution slots in competitive where the level cap is less than 15. Simply, having a level cap of 11/12/13/14 on the cards and then leaving the possibility of using two evolutions during the competitive is ridiculous, because this doesn't put both players on the same level and the one with the highest KT has a disproportionate advantage over those who have not yet reached level 55 (also because, during the game, their KT is at the same level as their opponent). So it boils down to being a game no longer based on your skills but on the level of the highest tower
   

What do you think about it?

This story is one that started a long time ago, but still affects my (32F) day-to-day life. Sorry everyone, it's a long one.
It began about 17 years ago, when I was 15 and still in school. I frequented internet forums including several fan sites of video games and books I enjoyed. One of these was a role playing forum where I and five others were writing stories together in our favourite universes. I got along well with the other members and it was a great way for me to learn English. Importantly, we only ever communicated through text, never through voice or video calls.
This is where I met the main character of this story, let's call him Tom. Tom said he was 19 years old, and was the only guy active on the forum. He had a great way with words, was mature beyond his years, and had a natural charisma about him. Naturally, as a 15-year-old with no prior experience with relationships, I was instantly drawn to this mysterious, well-spoken figure. Over the course of a month since meeting him, our conversations grew in frequency and depth, until eventually we spoke to each other on chat clients for 3-4 hours a day. At the same time, we continued writing our stories, including a plethora of romantic scenes between our respective characters. We also shared poems that we had written. It was an intense experience for me - I had never really had such a deep connection with a 'boy' before.
My parents never really taught me the importance of internet safety, and I can't blame them: it was all still very new at this time, also to them. It was Tom and my other friends on the forum that stressed how important it was to keep personal information private, especially when they learned my age. Tom especially was adamant never to share my location or photo with anyone, not even with him. It made me feel safe with him - for how could someone who so actively dissuaded me from sharing my information be a monster?
Of course I fell in love with him, to whatever extent a 15-year-old brain can comprehend love.
From written descriptions I had given of myself, Tom had expressed that he thought I must look beautiful, and so the fool that I was I gathered up the courage to send him a picture of myself anyway, desperate for his approval. He was complimentary, but did ask me why I had sent him a picture. I admitted my feelings for him. Tom was understanding, but stressed that he would never be able to give me what I needed from him.
Still, that did not stop either of us from progressing the nature of our interactions into something more sinister. I call it sinister looking back on it as an adult; at the time it was titillating and exciting. We started to send each other 'kisses' goodnight, sent back and forth explicit drawings depicting characters that looked like us, and described other intimate interactions over chat.
My mother once came into my room and witnessed Tom calling me by an endearing term. She interrogated me and I begged her not to make me break off contact with Tom. She listened to me, but made me promise her to be sensible. I want to scream at her now for not stopping it then.
My school friends did what my mother could not: they were concerned for my safety, and stepped to the headmistress, who called me into her office. After telling Tom about the encounter, he panicked. He told me we could no longer chat, and made me promise to tell the headmistress that it was over. I was heartbroken, but promised him.
I did ask Tom if we could still communicate through other means - we were doing some online art projects together that we both wanted to finish. He said yes, we could still maintain contact over e-mail and forum DM, but chat was off the table for now. I took what I could get.
The years that followed were chaotic. Sometimes our contact would be e-mail only, then we would move back to chat. At times, when things got too hard, I would decide to go no-contact for a while. I had my first real relationships in the lulls, but I would always come back. Tom would always receive me with open arms, either as a friend whenever I was dating someone, or rekindling our romantic interactions when I was not. He was always kind, patient, sensitive, and seemed selfless in his interactions with me. He made me feel so good about myself that I became obsessed with him, convinced he was the love of my life.
Three years in, Tom knew my real name, knew where I lived, and had seen nudes of me (he used one as his desktop background for years). At the same time, I knew nothing about Tom. What was worse, the few details he had unintentionally revealed weren't adding up.
Tom always portrayed our story as one of star-crossed lovers who due to circumstance outside our control could never be together. He told me I would never love him if I ever saw him in real life. First he claimed that his face had been ruined by flesh-eating bacteria. When my biology degree taught me that it's nearly impossible to survive that, he claimed body dysmorphic disorder (which I think to some extent was true).
Things reached boiling point six years into this mess. He slipped up, and revealed a detail about his life that directly contradicted the only concrete thing he had ever told me about himself: his age. I took a day to process, then confronted him, asking him how old he really was. After some initial resistance, he admitted that he had lied.
Mid-thirties, he said. A decade(!) older than he had at first claimed. I should have been furious, but after 6 years of being charmed and manipulated by him, I could only feel sorry for him. When I assured him that nothing between us had to change because of a 'number', he dropped the next bombshell:
Tom: "Alright then. Mid-forties."
I felt like I couldn't breathe. For years, I had been having sexually explicit conversations with someone old enough to be my father when I had believed him to be my age. What was worse, it had all started when I was underage. I gave Tom an ultimatum: either tell me the full truth about who he was; or lose me forever. I gave him two weeks to send me his information. He decided not to, which should have immediately set off the alarm bells that there was even more he was lying about; more he had to hide. I didn't even consider that in the moment; my heart was broken once again, and I cut off contact.
At the time, Tom and I had a number of mutual friends that we both spoke to regularly. Two of these were my cousin and his wife. I went to see them after I found out about Tom's real age, trying to find solace and understanding from someone who also knew him. I felt incredibly betrayed and angry, and asked that they also break contact - maybe that was a bit of an a-hole move. They said no: after all, Tom had never revealed his age to my cousin or his wife. As such, he had never lied to them, only to me, and they were not willing to end their friendship with Tom over that. When I asked what they thought of a 40-year-old having explicit conversations with a 15-year-old, they said that from a certain age, the teenager also has a responsibility in preventing this.
My cousin and his wife were not the only mutual friends that knew what was going on. Amazingly and invariably, NONE of our mutual friends chose to break contact with Tom over this. It caused immense doubt in me. Was I wrong in judging Tom for lying to me? Maybe the lie wasn't so terrible. And all those explicit conversations? Well, I instigated a large number of them, not Tom, so maybe I was equally, if not largely, to blame.
The way I see it now: Tom is like a cult leader: no matter what he does or says, his 'followers' will defend him; even blame themselves if it strips him of guilt. What is worse, anyone who dropped out of his inner circle would feel incredibly isolated and excluded. My friends would not play games with me because they preferred playing games with him. They would not write with me, because writing with him was so much more fun. I wish I'd had the strength to stay away, but one year later I came crawling back, desperate to be included into his circle once again, desperate for his affection that the others seemed to thrive under.
I was 22 at this time. Our contact was sporadic for the next four years - I was hesitant to engage romantically with him, even though part of me, despite everything he had put me through, still 'loved' him (trust me, writing this down, my naivety is making me want to claw my eyes out). I entered a relationship with someone else during this time, and went back to no-contact for most of its 4-year duration. When that relationship ended, Tom and I started talking more again, slowly slipping back into old habits and using the same terms of endearment we had used in the past. Tom revealed more details about himself now - he would talk about his boss, his sister, his friends, his home-town, and discussed things that were going on in his personal life. We also started talking over voice-chat, and damn it, he had an attractive voice.
I had just turned 27 when a response of his triggered me. We were recalling the early days of our interactions, and I mentioned how he had once accidentally sent me an e-mail from a throwaway account. I recalled the address letter by letter (I have a mild form of autism). He went very quiet, and then said that my memory was astounding.
Something in my lizard brain decided to look up the name in that e-mail address. I had done the same 12 years prior, but I had much more information now. It took me three hours to cross-reference the tidbits of information he had fed me over the months and years within the context of this name. And what do you know: it WAS his real name. I continued looking for the rest of the evening.. and I found much more than I bargained for.
You see, Tom was not the only person registered to his house. He was reported to live there with a woman who shared his last name, let's call her Hannah. I naively thought she might be the sister he mentioned (though he had given another name). Fortunately for me, Hannah was a lot less careful than Tom with her personal information, and I soon found a link to her blog on her Twitter page. A goldmine of information, going back over 10 years, covering almost every single day since Tom and I started talking.
My blood went cold as I started reading. It soon became clear to me that not only was Hannah his WIFE of 25-or-so years, they had an 11-year-old SON together (let's call him Jacob). I was 100% sure it was his wife writing - I could easily cross-reference the little things he had told me (assembling a bookcase, having lamb for dinner, visiting SIL for the weekend, getting a sunburn) with the details she was sharing about their life.
Once more, I should have run for the hills. Once more, I didn't. I often wonder how I could have been so stupid as to let this shitshow continue for so long, despite the thousand-and-one reasons Tom had given me to drop him. I can only attribute it to some kind of twisted sunk cost fallacy. By recognising Tom for the monster that he was, I had to face having loved that monster for over a decade. It meant admitting to myself that I was a terrible judge of character, and how could I possibly trust anyone ever again if I could not trust my own judgment? Also, all our mutual friends had always normalised his behaviour to the extent that it seemed almost arrogant to say that HE was in the wrong.
Because of the reactions that I had received from my friends and cousin last time, I kept what I knew to myself, even from Tom. Enter the next ridiculous phase of the story: Tom was saying how he was ordering a passport SO THAT HE COULD COME TO VISIT ME AND MY COUSIN. And idiot that I was, I wanted nothing more, because I was STILL IN LOVE WITH THE SH*T even after everything he had done, now not only to me, but also to his wife Hannah and his son.
I met him in real life five months later. He would be visiting my house for the day, and I was planning to confront him about what I knew. I had given one of my close friends his real name and address, and had told them to contact the police in the event they didn't hear from me by evening - I had no idea how Tom would react when exposed. Probably the fact that I felt unsafe in the first place should have been enough reason not to meet him alone.
We met, and I wish I didn't feel attracted to this 50-year-old but I did. We talked a lot. Eventually, I decided to test him, to see if he would be disloyal to his wife. While our conversations had definitely been flirty over the past year or so, I had never actually been straight with Tom and told him I still felt the same way. So I told him. Credit to him where it is due, he said he couldn't pursue a relationship with me, but followed it up with 'that we could still hold hands and hug'. He did not tell me why he couldn't, of course.
Only then did I reveal what I knew. I told him I've known for months now what his real name is, where he works, where he lives, and who he lives with. I probably could've been a bit more sensitive in how I brought it up (but let's be honest he doesn't deserve it and I was pretty pissed off keeping this stuff inside for 5 months). He turned incredibly pale and said that I could ask him anything I wanted to know. I asked him about his wife and their relationship (which hadn't been good for years according to him), his son (the pride of his life), and why on earth he had chosen to have explicit exchanges with a 15-year-old as a married man ('I was drunk').
During his stay, we were never intimate in the 'spicy' way, but we did hold hands a lot, he would have his hand on my leg, and we shared long hugs. He stayed the nights at my cousin's, and a few days later he left to go back to his country.
I am not proud of what happened next. Over the next months, we video chatted almost every evening. The conversations got flirtier, the amount of clothes we were wearing diminished until we both went into the calls topless.
One night, things escalated. We had gotten into a fight earlier in the evening - he had revealed that during that first real-life meeting, he had made an audio recording of the whole conversation, apparently so he could later prove to his wife that nothing happened. I responded that it was ok (it totally wasn't but that's beside the point), that I had taken precautions as well, and told him about the friend I had contacted. He lost it, saying I had no right to share his personal details with my friend or anyone else. I got angry in return, saying that he had no reason to distrust me as in the 12 years of knowing each other I had never lied to him; on the other hand I had EVERY reason to distrust him as he literally hid a wife and son from me, and had lied to a 15-year-old girl about his age.
We were both emotionally drained after, and I took things a step further that night, and seduced him into doing more together in front of the camera, maybe knowing that he would be too drained to refuse. He asked me later if I had consciously manipulated him into going along with it, choosing a vulnerable moment to strike - maybe I did, and I regret it.
Over the next months, our 'mishap' developed into a full-blown affair. I visited his home-town about 5 times in the year that followed. We kissed, and did basically everything apart from the 'deed' itself. I think he never wanted to have traditional sex either because then he could keep justifying to himself that he hadn't cheated on his wife, or because he was terrified of getting me pregnant. During my stays in his home-town, he would bring his son Jacob along to our lunches and dinners. Mostly to pacify his wife I suspect, for how could it be an affair with his son around? I loved the kid, we got along well, but I hated the lie that I had to live. To put myself through this was one thing, but it was so unbelievably unfair on Hannah and Jacob.
The whole situation sent me into severe depression. I was abandoning my morals for this man whom I still could not trust. I was lonely, and didn't date because I refused to be a cheater myself (maybe hypocritical). With every real-life meeting, his mask slipped further, and by the end there was little left of the charismatic, caring man that I had imagined him to be. Still, I was so entangled with him that I could not imagine my life without Tom. I did not know who I was without this person, who had completely overshadowed at this point almost half my life and all my adult life. I was stuck.
Eventually, I gave Tom an ultimatum again: Hannah, or me. I gave him two months to make up his mind. We spoke daily, and as his 'deadline' was approaching he became verbally aggressive with me, saying that he wasn't enjoying our conversations as much as he used to because I kept bringing up the choice he had to make. I asked him what he needed from me. He said he needed more time. I am ashamed to say I gave him that time.
I was lucky to have found two very close friends among my colleagues over the course of this whole drama. They had slowly witnessed the situation devolve into something unmaintainable. One of them often visited when I had panic attacks; she even slept next to me on the bad nights to make sure I'd be ok. They recommended me to make written lists of the red flags that I saw, the abusive behaviours Tom had demonstrated, and the effects the whole situation was having on me. They made me see how he would never choose me, that he was happy using everything and everyone as long as it served his needs. They slowly guided me into making the right decision during a work conference, when I didn't have time to contact Tom. Being away from his reach for a week, combined with the continuous talks with my two friends throughout the conference, made me strong enough to make a decision. Together, we agreed that as soon as I got back home, I would call Tom and cut ties with him. My friends would be available on call straight after.
Thanks to my friends, I went through with it. I cut contact almost three years ago now. As expected, he did not fight for me, and never tried to contact me again. My friends saw me through the worst of it.
Four months after cutting ties with Tom, I met the man who is now my husband, and we are currently expecting a baby. He makes me unbelievably happy, and has taught me what a loving relationship should feel like. He knows about this whole story and is very supportive. He even encouraged me to post this as he believes it'd help me process things.
I am still in touch with some of Tom's friends: my cousin, his wife, and a 40-year-old woman who has been my friend since the start of this whole story and was my MOH during my wedding. I have decided not to hold it against them that they cannot let go of Tom - hell, I couldn't let go for 14 years. It just demonstrates the horrible grip and influence he has on people. My MOH and I have an understanding that we don't discuss Tom, and that saved the friendship - we actually have a lot in common and enjoy each other's company a lot. I refuse to lose any more people over him.
I am in a good place now, looking forward to the future, and can't wait to meet our child. Still, this experience has not left me unscathed. I still struggle with trust, in other people and myself, and feel that I am responsible for a lot of what happened. I feel incredibly ashamed and naive for my behaviour over the years. I especially feel horrible about what I did to Hannah and Jacob - as far as I know, Tom never told them about the affair, but I would be very surprised if Hannah didn't know what was going on. I do have my suspicions that I am not the only one Tom did this with, but I have no proof, and it does not take away any of my responsibility in all of this.
So reddit: did I seduce Tom as a 15-year-old, or did he groom me and manipulate me into falling for him? Or was our interaction simply toxic on both sides, and not any one person's fault? And AITA for having pursued this affair even after I found out Tom was married? Also, should I reach out to Hannah (though honestly I would be a bit scared to do so, and I don't feel at all like reinserting myself into Tom's life in any way)?
And finally the question that still keeps me up at night: did Tom ruin half my life, or did I do that all by myself? And if I had a role to play in this, am I fit to be a mother?
TL;DR: As a 15-year-old, I fell in love with a man who claimed he was 19 but was actually 40. 12 years later, I found out he had a wife and son, but had become so infatuated with him that I pursued an affair with him. I ended the affair two years later but still feel guilty. I feel like much of what happened is my responsibility, since I instigated most of the intimacy. AITA?

Exploring the deep-seated fears that reside within us and how they manifest as what we traditionally call the "seven deadly sins." These ancient concepts, often cloaked in religious and moralistic language, serve as mirrors reflecting our innermost insecurities and self-imposed limitations. By understanding these fears and recognizing the acronym S.I.N. as Self-Inflicted Negatives, we can transcend these barriers and step into the fullness of our potential.

1. Pride (Hubris):
   
   • Fear: The fear of inadequacy and not being enough.
   • Manifestation: When we feel deeply insecure about our worth, we may inflate our ego to mask these feelings. Pride becomes a shield, protecting us from the vulnerability of admitting our perceived shortcomings.
   • Transformation: Embrace humility and self-acceptance. Recognize that true strength comes from acknowledging our imperfections and growing from them.
2. Envy:
   
   • Fear: The fear of lack and not having enough.
   • Manifestation: Envy arises from a scarcity mindset, where we believe that others' success diminishes our own potential. It is the fear that we are not capable of achieving our desires.
   • Transformation: Cultivate gratitude and abundance. Understand that the universe is infinite, and there is more than enough for everyone. Celebrate others' successes as a reflection of what is possible for you.
3. Wrath (Anger):
   
   • Fear: The fear of powerlessness and being out of control.
   • Manifestation: Anger often stems from a perceived threat to our sense of control or autonomy. It is a reaction to the fear that we are helpless in changing our circumstances.
   • Transformation: Practice patience and understanding. Recognize that anger is a signal pointing to deeper issues that need healing. Embrace compassion, both for yourself and others.
4. Sloth (Laziness):
   
   • Fear: The fear of failure and not measuring up.
   • Manifestation: Sloth can be a defense mechanism against the fear of trying and failing. It is easier to not try at all than to risk not succeeding.
   • Transformation: Ignite your passion and purpose. Understand that every step, no matter how small, is progress. Embrace the journey and learn from every experience.
5. Greed (Avarice):
   
   • Fear: The fear of loss and not having enough security.
   • Manifestation: Greed is driven by an insatiable desire for more, stemming from a deep-seated fear of scarcity and insecurity.
   • Transformation: Foster generosity and trust. Realize that true security comes from within and that sharing your abundance enriches both your life and the lives of others.
6. Gluttony:
   
   • Fear: The fear of emptiness and not being fulfilled.
   • Manifestation: Gluttony is an attempt to fill an emotional void with physical or material excess. It is the fear that we are not whole or complete.
   • Transformation: Seek inner fulfillment and balance. Discover what truly nourishes your soul and focus on holistic well-being.
7. Lust:
   
   • Fear: The fear of intimacy and not being loved.
   • Manifestation: Lust can be an escape from the vulnerability of genuine connection. It is driven by a fear that we are unlovable or unworthy of deep, authentic relationships.
   • Transformation: Embrace genuine connection and self-love. Understand that true intimacy begins with self-acceptance and extends to forming meaningful bonds with others.
   S.I.N. - Self-Inflicted Negatives
   

The term "sin" has long been associated with moral failings and spiritual transgressions. However, when we view sin through the lens of Self-Inflicted Negatives, we shift our perspective from judgment to understanding. These "sins" are not punishments or inherent flaws but rather reflections of our inner fears and limiting beliefs.
By recognizing and addressing these fears, we can transform our lives. The path to enlightenment and personal growth involves facing these inner demons, understanding their origins, and consciously choosing to transcend them. This process requires self-awareness, compassion, and a commitment to continuous growth.
Transcending Self-Inflicted Negatives

1. Awareness: Begin by acknowledging the fears that underlie your actions and reactions. This requires honest self-reflection and a willingness to confront uncomfortable truths.
   
2. Acceptance: Accept that these fears are a part of your human experience. They do not define you, but they do offer valuable lessons for your spiritual journey.
   
3. Action: Take proactive steps to address and transform these fears. This might involve seeking support, such as therapy or spiritual counseling, as well as engaging in practices that promote self-growth, such as meditation, journaling, or mindfulness.
   
4. Affirmation: Regularly affirm your worth and potential. Replace negative self-talk with positive affirmations that reinforce your inherent value and capabilities. Remember, you are a divine being having a human experience, and you possess the power to transcend any limitation.
   
5. Connection: Foster deeper connections with others and the universe. Engage in practices that enhance your sense of interconnectedness, such as community service, group meditations, or simply spending time in nature. Recognize that you are part of a vast, supportive network of beings.
   
6. Gratitude: Cultivate a mindset of gratitude. Focus on the abundance already present in your life and express thanks for it. Gratitude shifts your perspective from lack to abundance and opens the door to receiving more blessings.
   
7. Forgiveness: Practice forgiveness, both for yourself and others. Holding onto guilt or resentment only perpetuates the cycle of negativity. Release these burdens and allow yourself to heal.
   

The Path Forward
As we navigate the complexities of our human existence, it is essential to remember that our journey is one of continuous evolution. The seven deadly sins, or Self-Inflicted Negatives, are not obstacles meant to hinder us but opportunities designed to teach us invaluable lessons about ourselves.
By embracing these lessons with an open heart and a willing spirit, we can transcend our fears and limitations. This transformation is not about achieving perfection but about embracing our authentic selves, flaws and all, and realizing that we are inherently worthy and capable of greatness.
In conclusion, the seven deadly sins are not merely moral failings but reflections of deeper fears that we hold within ourselves. By recognizing and addressing these fears, we can transform our lives and transcend the limitations that hold us back. Remember, S.I.N. – Self-Inflicted Negatives – can be healed through awareness, acceptance, action, affirmation, connection, gratitude, and forgiveness. As you continue on your spiritual journey, may you find peace, wisdom, and the courage to embrace your true potential.
With infinite love and light,
Your fellow traveler on the path of spiritual awakening

[Note: We’re focusing on emotional reasons; not physical. And this is just one perspective. Please consult your doctor for healing, withdrawals, etc.]
TL;DR: Addictions are coping mechanisms for an unfulfilled, disconnected life. You're craving intimacy and connection. And, you’re addicted because you judge yourself (and others).
Replace “addiction” with “momentum.” You hire an addiction to do one of two jobs:

• Slow Down Negative Momentum (i.e. depressant; takes away pain, calming and relief from stress).
• Speed Up Positive Momentum (i.e. stimulant; gives pleasure, fun, energy and motivation).

Addictions are used to regulate your emotions. But, when you artificially modify momentum, that keeps you stuck. So you’re learning how to shift from negative addictions (e.g. social media, junk food, vaping, etc.) to positive addictions (e.g. meditate, exercise, dancing, drawing, etc.).
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Before we begin, this is important: I’m not here trying to fix you. Because I don’t think you’re broken. I believe in you. You are strong, worthy and powerful enough to transform this. You may not know how to yet, but we’ll work together in understanding what’s at the heart of the issue, to support you in allowing the life you want and deserve.
Secondary Addictions: Phone, social media, food, sugar, caffeine, alcohol, video games, relationships, attention, validation, anger, sex, porn, weed, smoking, gambling, shopping, hoarding, workaholic, perfectionist, procrastinating, etc. All of these are secondary; compensating for an even greater addiction.
Primary Addiction: You’re addicted to judging yourself (and others). Not accepting and appreciating yourself and others is the cause of secondary addictions.
Addictions are coping mechanism for an unfulfilled, disconnected life. Mistreating substances is a reflection of how you treat yourself. And the irony is, part of the source for addiction is… judging yourself for doing it.
Addiction: Consistently using a substance or experience to regulate your emotions (this can be positive or negative).
And to add another layer: Replace “addiction” with “momentum” (or movement or energy flow). There’s momentum towards what you want or don’t want, and we’re discussing shifting momentum from unwanted to wanted; negative addictions to positive. Your natural state is to feel better. But if you don’t know how to do that, then you’ll rely on circumstances and people as fuel for feeling movement. But, when you artificially modify momentum, that keeps you stuck.
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The Cycle of Addictions

• Unwanted/ Negative Addiction: Judging anything makes you crave relief → So you consume more external/ conditional relief; relying on circumstances and people to feel better → Until you start judging again.
• Wanted/ Positive Addiction: Judging anything makes you crave relief → So you consume more internal/ unconditional relief; relying on your ability to focus to feel better → Accepting and appreciating reduces your desire for judging and negative addictions.

Negative addictions are used to avoid negative emotions. Whereas positive addictions are used to heal and embrace negative emotions.
Negative emotions are positive guidance (although it might not feel that way) letting you know you are focusing on (and judging) what you don't want. Negative emotions are just messengers of the limiting beliefs you're practicing. They're a necessary part of your emotional guidance, like GPS in your car. But the more you avoid or fight them, you keep yourself stuck.
All emotions are equal and worthy. But most people unknowingly create a hierarchy for their emotions (i.e. positive = good; negative = bad). Begin seeing negative emotions as worthy, valuable and supportive friends, and work together as a team to help you feel better.
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The Purpose of Addictions

Because you’re the CEO of you, you hire an addiction to do one of two jobs:

• Slow Down Negative Momentum (i.e. depressant; takes away pain, calming and relief from stress).
• Speed Up Positive Momentum (i.e. stimulant; gives pleasure, fun, energy, motivation and enhances a good time).

Addictions either make you feel more powerful, or distract you from feeling powerless. Negative addictions give you a false sense of security, which ironically enhances your insecurity. And that keeps you stuck in a cycle of abuse with negative addictions.
Addictions can soften your focus, so you’re distracted and more general with your thoughts (i.e. tune out). And when you focus less on details, then you’re less aware of what you specifically don’t want or have, so you judge less. And with less judgement, you slow down negative momentum, and naturally feel better.
Negative addictions can help you tune out, but they also won’t let you tune in to who you really are. So if you use substances to numb yourself, then you lose your ability to focus. But it’s your power of focusing that will set you free.
Negative addictions are trying to fill a void, with things that aren’t designed to fill it. It’s like trying to fill a cup with a hole in the bottom; so no matter how much you put in, it's still empty. And you use secondary addictions to distract yourself so you don’t feel the emptiness. But the only way to fix the hole is to be reminded of how powerful, worthy and whole you really are. And it’s not a fact that you’re unworthy; it’s just something you’ve been taught by other people, who feel unworthy.
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Because negative addictions are coping mechanisms, then if you think it’s the cause, then not using it will be the cure. But that doesn’t work as a long-term solution because it doesn’t address the actual issue: judging. So when you stop one unwanted behavior, you’ll probably start something else; i.e. transfer addiction. Or, you can call it transfer relief.
As long as you believe negative addictions help you feel normal, then you're not incentivized to let go because it’s not in your best interest. But when you feel better first, before going to the substance or experience, then you gradually remove its purpose, and thus your desire for it.

• Instead of saying, "I'm addicted," (which is valid). It's more accurate to say, “I’m seeking relief in the best way I know how.”

Negative addictions are just tools, and you used that tool to help you through a difficult time when you didn't know what else to do. You did the best you could, and now you’re ready for a change.

• “Thank you, negative addiction. I appreciate that you supported me. But, I’m taking the company in a new direction, and I will no longer be needing your services.”

Negative addictions have imposter syndrome; and rightfully so — they’re unqualified for the job of giving you sustainable relief. So when you start hiring positive addictions, then you release the control negative addictions once had over the company (i.e. you).
And it doesn’t mean you still don’t enjoy technology, food, etc. You can let them be for fun (based on your personal boundaries), but you are in control. They’re expressions of a fulfilling life; not replacements for it.
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Positive Addictions — What You’re Really Craving

Addictions indicate you're craving intimacy and connection. With others is nice, but you’re craving connection with yourself. And to stop an unwanted addiction, you want a new healthy habit to take its place. Because without it, there’s a power vacuum. So, what are your new healthier coping mechanisms to connect with yourself? For ex:

• "When I feel sad, I meditate for 2 - 15 minutes."
• "When I feel powerless, I exercise, go for a walk, ride a bike, or connect with nature.”
• "When I feel unloved and rejected, I connect with my body, by putting my hand on my heart, focus on deep breathing and being there for myself."
• "When I feel bored, I practice creative outlets to express myself (e.g. dancing, singing, drawing, gardening, crocheting, cooking, etc.).”

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Tips to Start Healing

1. Be Aware. Be Mindful. Be Intentional. When using an unwanted addiction, tell yourself,

• “I am consciously using this for relief. I’m not going to judge myself, because I understand why I’m doing it. I feel lonely, bored, sad, stressed, etc. And so, I am intentionally doing this activity to feel better.”

The simple act of bringing awareness to an unwanted habit shines light into the darkness, and you start regaining your power. You’re still doing the unwanted activity, but you’re tuning in, instead of tuning out.
2. Make a Deal with Yourself. When you get tempted to do an unwanted addiction, focus on feeling better first (e.g. meditate or go for a walk for a few minutes). Then, you can still do the unwanted addiction after you feel better. (This isn’t advocating unwanted behavior, but it is being realistic in helping you wean yourself off, and begin the job transfer process from negative to positive addictions.) So it accomplishes three things:

1. You’re not depriving yourself; you’re just slightly delaying gratification, which builds up your strength of not automatically going to the same unwanted habit.
2. You’re replacing the old addiction with a better-feeling one (and notice that you’ll consume less and/ or gradually have less desire to use the substance).
3. You create self-trust and respect by making a practical deal with yourself, and showing that you’re stronger than you think and can follow through; which also gives you hope that you can do this.

3. Reduce Consumption: Adjust Time and/ or Intensity. (E.g. If you’re smoking five days a week; do only four days, or use one less a day than normal).
4. Focus on what you want to start doing, instead of what you want to stop doing. What do you want to feel?

• “I want to start feeling relief. I want to feel supported. I want to start feeling more loved and accepted for who I am. I want to feel more comfortable and ease. I want to feel more at peace myself. I want to start feeling how strong and capable my body is. I want to feel proud of myself. I want to feel clarity. I want to start looking for more activities that are fun and bring out my creativity.”

5. Your Phone Has Grayscale, which makes it black and white, thus reducing the stimulus and dopamine you receive from it. You can also turn on app limit timers and turn off notifications.
6. Find an Accountability Buddy (if you can). They don’t have to stop their unwanted addictions, but they're willing to celebrate when you succeed and support you if you fall short. Also consider talking to your smoking or drinking buddies about your new commitment to your health.
7. If You Relapse, It’s Okay. Don’t judge yourself (i.e. "Why am I so weak, stupid, etc.?”). Self-judgment is self-sabotage, because it ironically fuels the very behavior you want to stop. You didn’t lose progress, because recovery isn’t a perfect straight line. It’s a process. And regardless, you’re now one step closer to your goal (with more clarity of what you don’t want, and increased desire for what you do want).
8. Self-Reflection Questions:

• "What am I afraid would happen if I stopped doing an unwanted addiction?"
• "What are the advantages of the substance or activity? How does it support me?"
• "What am I afraid would happen if I accepted myself just the way I am?"
• "What am I afraid would happen if I only focused on what I appreciated about myself?"

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Honorable Mention Addictions

1. Acceptance, Caring What People Think, and Needing to Be Understood
Wanting acceptance is fine. But needing it, is not knowing your value. So you’re desperate to find ways to get people to love and understand you (i.e. people pleaser, perfectionist, workaholic, clingy, gym selfies, etc.). This also inspires arguing, needing to be right and anger addictions, because you need to feel heard and validated (instead of understanding that some people can’t or aren’t interested in understanding).
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2. Avoiding Boredom — Social Media Consumption
Consuming vs Creating. Negative addictions can have an imbalance leaning towards consuming people’s creations, vs expressing your own. When was the last time you laid in bed at night, or waited in line at the store, and didn’t pull out your phone to distract you? Instead of simply appreciating the moment and your surroundings.
“Something distracting me is better than nothing.” But then you don’t have standards of quality; you simply have an insatiable appetite of consuming more. And if you’re not intentionally consuming media; it will consume you. It’s passive consumption; each post is a potato chip. When you don’t have a specific intention before opening an app, then you’ll most likely spend your next hour on empty emotional calories and walk away feeling worse. Excessive consuming leads to fuming and glooming.
Negative addictions can start out innocently. But like a frog in a boiling pot… you don’t notice that you increasingly rely on them for self-medicating negative emotions until you feel it’s consumed you.
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3. Anger and Drama
When you feel bored, there’s no momentum in that. You feel lifeless; like a plank of wood floating on still water. And you would rather feel fun and excitement (i.e. positive momentum). But, if you don’t know how to generate those feelings, then you’ll settle for the next easiest emotion that has momentum, which is anger. (But anger is negative momentum; when not intentionally controlled.)
Drama feels interesting compared to boredom, until it gradually wears on you (and your relationships). So you try to give that anger addiction up. But if you don’t know how to create positive momentum, then when you get bored, you’ll reach for anger again to get your fix to feel that energy flow.
As you judge yourself, you will feel sad, and then naturally inspired to feel angry, because anger has more momentum and energy than sadness; thus it feels more empowering. But if you don’t intentionally choose anger for relief (in a safe space, by yourself; don’t express it to others), then as you continue judging people and circumstances, you will eventually feel sad again, and feel stuck in a cycle of sad → angry → sad → angry.
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4. Victim Mentality, Dismissive and Needing to Be Right
If you haven’t healed your inner child and trauma, you can get addicted to always feeling like a victim. You would rather be right, than happy. So you can believe you’re always right, and everyone else is wrong. You can get addicted to being dismissive of people’s perspectives (as a reflection of how you felt you were treated growing up). One advantage of continuing to feel like a victim is, you don’t have to change; everyone else has to change, because they’re the problem (i.e. you believe your negative emotions come from them). Your trauma isn’t your fault. And, healing is possible, when you feel comfortable and open to the opportunity.
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5. Procrastinating, Isolation and Abandonment
Isolation amplified after the year 2020 (gee, I wonder why…). The main appeal is having no expectations, pressure to perform, or be responsible to others. The issue is, people are simply a mirror that reflects the relationship you have with yourself. So avoiding people doesn’t get rid of your limiting beliefs; you just become less aware of them.
Also, it can be easy to get stuck in the cycle of, "I hate myself, so I don't socialize. Which makes me feel lonely. So I hate myself even more..."
Procrastinating and abandonment can cause other addictions. For ex: You’re doomscrolling until 2 am because you’re avoiding the routine to go to bed, and/ or trying to run away from feeling bored, lonely and worthless.
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6. Productivity, Maximizing and Efficiency
People thought the creation of computers would help people work less because it would do a lot of the work. Only to fast forward and realize it just raised society’s standards of the work they expected from you, causing you to ironically work more; not less. And with the emergence of A.I., hopefully we don’t repeat the same mistake.
People naturally want what’s best for them. But, if you were raised to constantly need to improve and do more, then any activity you do, can be turned into two to three activities. Maximizing your time doing one activity, while learning another (e.g. second screen viewing — which can be beneficial, but detrimental when you feel you have to do it and/or avoiding boredom). With the abundance and ease of access to learning, addiction to productivity causes you to demonize downtime: “Why just go for a walk? Why just lay in bed? I should be making money or learning something useful.”
Productivity addiction can justify doing less hobbies you enjoy, because they’re not making money. This can ironically make you less productive. You’re burned out, but you feel lazy because you don’t want to work all of the time; but can’t justify fun… so you do nothing as a compromise. This reduces the quality of your life, which then fuels other negative addictions to fill the void. And, if you don’t take a break from working, then your body will do it for you.
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7. Comparing Yourself to Others and Should
When you compare yourself, you should all over yourself. “I should do this and be different,” or, “I shouldn’t have done that.” Shoulds leave you either feeling shame or resentment. If you force yourself to do what you think you should, then you sacrifice yourself, and so you feel resentment. But if you don’t do it, then you feel guilty, shame and regret. You can’t win.
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8. Limerence, One-Sided and Parasocial Relationships
You’re addicted to people who don’t care about you. You keep holding on to people whose behavior makes it clear they’re not interested in a mutually satisfying relationship (romantic or friendship). This can be celebrities, K-Pop idols, streamers, influences and/or a situationship you’ve put your life on hold for years waiting and hoping for it to become something more.
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You Didn’t Waste Your Life — There’s Still Hope

Robert Downey Jr.'s life was a disaster for years (alcohol and drug addiction, arrested, etc.) before he decided to turn it around (and iconically become Iron Man). His pain and experiences were fuel to become the actor and inspirational person that he is today. His quotes:

• “Remember that just because you hit the bottom doesn't mean you have to stay there.”
• “It’s easy to embrace hopelessness when things seem insurmountable. And yet, it’s actually just a matter of time until all of the elements come together for things to be alright. I mean, I believe that most difficult situations will resolve themselves if you are persistent and if you don’t give up entirely. And that’s what I never did; I never gave up.”

Although it may not seem like it right now, everything you have lived can be used to make you stronger, wiser, healthier and happier. Your potential has increased at least tenfold because of your “wasted” experiences. Think of it like you’re a rubber band on a slingshot; and the further back you stretched into the darkness, as you let go of limiting beliefs, you propel yourself forward that much farther into the light.
I can’t wait for you to begin seeing what you’re truly capable of in the months and years to come. When you finally stop beating up on yourself for the very past that will propel you into becoming the more compassionate, understanding, supportive, appreciative, creative, productive and fulfilled person that you want to be.
~ BFree
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Share your thoughts: What’s one step you’re going to do to let go of negative addictions and start allowing more empowering positive addictions?
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Previous Posts:
1. You Didn't Waste Your Life — You Can Always Make a Comeback
2. Healing Heartbreak — How to Move On from Breakups
3. How to Get Motivated & Disciplined — Why Forcing Yourself to “Just Do It” Ironically Doesn’t Work
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For 7 years, she was everything to me. She was my best friend, my life partner, my intimate lover. Our connection was profound. My years with her were the happiest of my life. We had our issues, but I was always sure that our love was strong enough to overcome any problems together. I never thought I'd lose her.
I won't get into all the details yet again, but in year 7 she decided that her feelings for me had changed. She said she no longer wanted a romantic relationship, and I was crushed. Still, she wanted to be friends because our bond was too special and rare to just completely throw away, but I made that really difficult because I was unable to let go of my heartbreak over the loss of our romantic relationship. The more I struggled to get that back, the more she resented me for it and drifted further and further away.
One day we had an argument over text. I was angry, hurt and confused because she had been ignoring and ghosting me for weeks. She said that if she hasn't responded it's because she doesn't want to talk to me, and that my repeated efforts to communicate with her were only making it worse. I was feeling so hurt and abandoned. I missed my best friend. I couldn't find the strength to just back off and I kept trying to get through to her. She didn't appreciate my persistence. I tried to explain to her that I was just in pain, that I missed her and was feeling the loss of all we had shared. I asked her to please just be patient with me, please just be kind and speak with me but she wouldn't listen. She finally got really angry and told me not to contact her anymore. I couldn't bear the thought of losing her forever. I couldn't imagine being estranged from her. I insisted that we just talk and that we could figure it out, that I couldn't bear to lose her completely, even our friendship. She threatened to use the police if I didn't leave her alone, and she did.
In February, she filed charges against me. An automatic order of protection was issued along with the charges. To the readers here, please understand that I was just grief stricken. I was never a threat to her, never in my life would I be. I just couldn't bear to lose her forever so I desperately kept trying anything I could to repair the situation. She blocked and cut me off in every way. Completely disappeared. I'm in big legal trouble. I still can't wrap my head around how after all our years of love and happiness together she could take such steps to damage my life.
It seems like she convinced herself that I was someone I wasn't. She somehow forgot all we once meant to each other. That I loved her kids like they were my own. How my own kids loved her like their second mom, and she ghosted them too. She forgot how I was always there for her when she needed me. That I was there for her children in ways even their own father wasn't. She just erased me and never looked back. She used my cries for help against me. My life is ruined, and she never even cared enough to be there for me for even a moment to help me through my pain and grief.
I've been utterly unable to come to terms with all that's happened. It's been the most profoundly painful and damaging thing I've ever experienced. Not only her total loss, but the way she stabbed me in the back and left me to bleed out, hurting and alone. How I CAN'T contact her because she'll only use it to hurt me even further. It's all so senseless. It feels like I'm stuck in an alternate reality that should never have happened, a nightmare that never ends. It's changed me. There isn't a moment when she's not in my thoughts. I can't remember the last time I smiled. I've lost 12 pounds I couldn't afford to lose. I live in constant pain, torment, trauma and fear. It's affected my physical health.
I have no family aside from my children. I gave all of myself to her, all of my free time for 7 years, so I have no other friends. I am utterly alone to suffer all of this pain by myself.
I wish I had had the strength to just back off. Would it have changed anything? I don't know, but at least I would not be living in fear of criminal conviction just because I was in too much pain to resist trying to speak with her. Still, she didn't need to do this. I was never a threat to her. All I needed was some patience and kindness. I know she will never love me again and that hurts in ways I cannot even put into words. But all of these months later I can't seem to move on or escape from the agony of the loss and the damage that's been done to my life. Even if I could get her out of my thoughts, even if I could move past the wrongness of what's happened, the legal issues will keep me bound to it. I can't reconcile how she could ever care for me so little to do something like this to me.
What I now crave is closure. Catharsis. I want one final opportunity to sit with her one last time, hear her thoughts and feelings and tell her mine. I want answers. I want to know why and how she could do this to me. I don't want a confrontation, I want peace. I need that. I feel like I can't move on with the unresolved weight of all of this hanging around my neck. I can't feel at peace without making peace with her. With feeling that she hates or fears me. I need to be able to speak with her in order to close this chapter in a healthy way. But she will never give me that.
I don't know what to do anymore. I'm so tired of living in bear heartache and fear. A year ago I was so happy, and now I'm a broken shell of who I once was. Therapy isn't helping. Antidepressants aren't helping. I can't escape the pain of half of my soul betraying me, getting ripped from my heart and walking away without looking back.
Please help me.

[Note: We’re focusing on emotional reasons; not physical. And this is just one perspective. Please consult your doctor for healing, withdrawals, etc.]
TL;DR: Addictions are coping mechanisms for an unfulfilled, disconnected life. You're craving intimacy and connection. And, you’re addicted because you judge yourself (and others).
Replace “addiction” with “momentum.” You hire an addiction to do one of two jobs:

• Slow Down Negative Momentum (i.e. depressant; takes away pain, calming and relief from stress).
• Speed Up Positive Momentum (i.e. stimulant; gives pleasure, fun, energy and motivation).

Addiction to productivity causes you to demonize downtime: “Why just lay in bed? I should be making money or learning something.” This can ironically make you less productive. You’re burned out, but you feel lazy because you don’t want to work all of the time; but can’t justify fun… so you do nothing as a compromise. This reduces the quality of your life, which then fuels other negative addictions to fill the void.
Addictions are used to regulate your emotions. But, when you artificially modify momentum, that keeps you stuck. So you’re learning how to shift from negative addictions (e.g. phone, social media, vaping, etc.) to positive addictions (e.g. meditate, exercise, dancing, drawing, etc.).
_____
Before we begin, this is important: I’m not here trying to fix you. Because I don’t think you’re broken. I believe in you. You are strong, worthy and powerful enough to transform this. You may not know how to yet, but we’ll work together in understanding what’s at the heart of the issue, to support you in allowing the life you want and deserve.
Secondary Addictions: Phone, social media, food, sugar, caffeine, alcohol, video games, relationships, attention, validation, anger, sex, porn, weed, smoking, gambling, shopping, hoarding, workaholic, perfectionist, procrastinating, etc. All of these are secondary; compensating for an even greater addiction.
Primary Addiction: You’re addicted to judging yourself (and others). Not accepting and appreciating yourself and others is the cause of secondary addictions.
Addictions are coping mechanism for an unfulfilled, disconnected life. Mistreating substances is a reflection of how you treat yourself. And the irony is, part of the source for addiction is… judging yourself for doing it.
Addiction: Consistently using a substance or experience to regulate your emotions (this can be positive or negative).
And to add another layer: Replace “addiction” with “momentum” (or movement or energy flow). There’s momentum towards what you want or don’t want, and we’re discussing shifting momentum from unwanted to wanted; negative addictions to positive. Your natural state is to feel better. But if you don’t know how to do that, then you’ll rely on circumstances and people as fuel for feeling movement. But, when you artificially modify momentum, that keeps you stuck.
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The Cycle of Addictions

• Unwanted/ Negative Addiction: Judging anything makes you crave relief → So you consume more external/ conditional relief; relying on circumstances and people to feel better → Until you start judging again.
• Wanted/ Positive Addiction: Judging anything makes you crave relief → So you consume more internal/ unconditional relief; relying on your ability to focus to feel better → Accepting and appreciating reduces your desire for judging and negative addictions.

Negative addictions are used to avoid negative emotions. Whereas positive addictions are used to heal and embrace negative emotions.
Negative emotions are positive guidance (although it might not feel that way) letting you know you are focusing on (and judging) what you don't want. Negative emotions are just messengers of the limiting beliefs you're practicing. They're a necessary part of your emotional guidance, like GPS in your car. But the more you avoid or fight them, you keep yourself stuck.
All emotions are equal and worthy. But most people unknowingly create a hierarchy for their emotions (i.e. positive = good; negative = bad). Begin seeing negative emotions as worthy, valuable and supportive friends, and work together as a team to help you feel better.
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The Purpose of Addictions

Because you’re the CEO of you, you hire an addiction to do one of two jobs:

• Slow Down Negative Momentum (i.e. depressant; takes away pain, calming and relief from stress).
• Speed Up Positive Momentum (i.e. stimulant; gives pleasure, fun, energy, motivation and enhances a good time).

Addictions either make you feel more powerful, or distract you from feeling powerless. Negative addictions give you a false sense of security, which ironically enhances your insecurity. And that keeps you stuck in a cycle of abuse with negative addictions.
Addictions can soften your focus, so you’re distracted and more general with your thoughts (i.e. tune out). And when you focus less on details, then you’re less aware of what you specifically don’t want or have, so you judge less. And with less judgement, you slow down negative momentum, and naturally feel better.
Negative addictions can help you tune out, but they also won’t let you tune in to who you really are. So if you use substances to numb yourself, then you lose your ability to focus. But it’s your power of focusing that will set you free.
Negative addictions are trying to fill a void, with things that aren’t designed to fill it. It’s like trying to fill a cup with a hole in the bottom; so no matter how much you put in, it's still empty. And you use secondary addictions to distract yourself so you don’t feel the emptiness. But the only way to fix the hole is to be reminded of how powerful, worthy and whole you really are. And it’s not a fact that you’re unworthy; it’s just something you’ve been taught by other people, who feel unworthy.
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Because negative addictions are coping mechanisms, then if you think it’s the cause, then not using it will be the cure. But that doesn’t work as a long-term solution because it doesn’t address the actual issue: judging. So when you stop one unwanted behavior, you’ll probably start something else; i.e. transfer addiction. Or, you can call it transfer relief.
As long as you believe negative addictions help you feel normal, then you're not incentivized to let go because it’s not in your best interest. But when you feel better first, before going to the substance or experience, then you gradually remove its purpose, and thus your desire for it.

• Instead of saying, "I'm addicted," (which is valid). It's more accurate to say, “I’m seeking relief in the best way I know how.”

Negative addictions are just tools, and you used that tool to help you through a difficult time when you didn't know what else to do. You did the best you could, and now you’re ready for a change.

• “Thank you, negative addiction. I appreciate that you supported me. But, I’m taking the company in a new direction, and I will no longer be needing your services.”

Negative addictions have imposter syndrome; and rightfully so — they’re unqualified for the job of giving you sustainable relief. So when you start hiring positive addictions, then you release the control negative addictions once had over the company (i.e. you).
And it doesn’t mean you still don’t enjoy technology, food, etc. You can let them be for fun (based on your personal boundaries), but you are in control. They’re expressions of a fulfilling life; not replacements for it.
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Positive Addictions — What You’re Really Craving

Addictions indicate you're craving intimacy and connection. With others is nice, but you’re craving connection with yourself. And to stop an unwanted addiction, you want a new healthy habit to take its place. Because without it, there’s a power vacuum. So, what are your new healthier coping mechanisms to connect with yourself? For ex:

• "When I feel sad, I meditate for 2 - 15 minutes."
• "When I feel powerless, I exercise, go for a walk, ride a bike, or connect with nature.”
• "When I feel unloved and rejected, I connect with my body, by putting my hand on my heart, focus on deep breathing and being there for myself."
• "When I feel bored, I practice creative outlets to express myself (e.g. dancing, singing, drawing, gardening, crocheting, cooking, etc.).”

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Tips to Start Healing

1. Be Aware. Be Mindful. Be Intentional. When using an unwanted addiction, tell yourself,

• “I am consciously using this for relief. I’m not going to judge myself, because I understand why I’m doing it. I feel lonely, bored, sad, stressed, etc. And so, I am intentionally doing this activity to feel better.”

The simple act of bringing awareness to an unwanted habit shines light into the darkness, and you start regaining your power. You’re still doing the unwanted activity, but you’re tuning in, instead of tuning out.
2. Make a Deal with Yourself. When you get tempted to do an unwanted addiction, focus on feeling better first (e.g. meditate or go for a walk for a few minutes). Then, you can still do the unwanted addiction after you feel better. (This isn’t advocating unwanted behavior, but it is being realistic in helping you wean yourself off, and begin the job transfer process from negative to positive addictions.) So it accomplishes three things:

1. You’re not depriving yourself; you’re just slightly delaying gratification, which builds up your strength of not automatically going to the same unwanted habit.
2. You’re replacing the old addiction with a better-feeling one (and notice that you’ll consume less and/ or gradually have less desire to use the substance).
3. You create self-trust and respect by making a practical deal with yourself, and showing that you’re stronger than you think and can follow through; which also gives you hope that you can do this.

3. Reduce Consumption: Adjust Time and/ or Intensity. (E.g. If you’re smoking five days a week; do only four days, or use one less a day than normal).
4. Focus on what you want to start doing, instead of what you want to stop doing. What do you want to feel?

• “I want to start feeling relief. I want to feel supported. I want to start feeling more loved and accepted for who I am. I want to feel more comfortable and ease. I want to feel more at peace myself. I want to start feeling how strong and capable my body is. I want to feel proud of myself. I want to feel clarity. I want to start looking for more activities that are fun and bring out my creativity.”

5. Your Phone Has Grayscale, which makes it black and white, thus reducing the stimulus and dopamine you receive from it. You can also turn on app limit timers and turn off notifications.
6. Find an Accountability Buddy (if you can). They don’t have to stop their unwanted addictions, but they're willing to celebrate when you succeed and support you if you fall short. So consider talking to your friends about your new commitment to your health.
7. If You Relapse, It’s Okay. Don’t judge yourself (i.e. "Why am I so weak, stupid, etc.?”). Self-judgment is self-sabotage, because it ironically fuels the very behavior you want to stop. You didn’t lose progress, because recovery isn’t a perfect straight line. It’s a process. And regardless, you’re now one step closer to your goal (with more clarity of what you don’t want, and increased desire for what you do want).
8. Self-Reflection Questions:

• "What am I afraid would happen if I stopped doing an unwanted addiction?"
• "What are the advantages of the substance or activity? How does it support me?"
• "What am I afraid would happen if I accepted myself just the way I am?"
• "What am I afraid would happen if I only focused on what I appreciated about myself?"

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Honorable Mention Addictions

1. Acceptance, Caring What People Think, and Needing to Be Understood
Wanting acceptance is fine. But needing it, is not knowing your value. So you’re desperate to find ways to get people to love and understand you (i.e. people pleaser, perfectionist, workaholic, clingy, gym selfies, etc.). This also inspires arguing, needing to be right and anger addictions, because you need to feel heard and validated (instead of understanding that some people can’t or aren’t interested in understanding).
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2. Avoiding Boredom — Social Media Consumption
Consuming vs Creating. Negative addictions can have an imbalance leaning towards consuming people’s creations, vs expressing your own. When was the last time you laid in bed at night, or waited in line at the store, and didn’t pull out your phone to distract you? Instead of simply appreciating the moment and your surroundings.
“Something distracting me is better than nothing.” But then you don’t have standards of quality; you simply have an insatiable appetite of consuming more. And if you’re not intentionally consuming media; it will consume you. It’s passive consumption; each post is a potato chip. When you don’t have a specific intention before opening an app, then you’ll most likely spend your next hour on empty emotional calories and walk away feeling worse. Excessive consuming leads to fuming and glooming.
Negative addictions can start out innocently. But like a frog in a boiling pot… you don’t notice that you increasingly rely on them for self-medicating negative emotions until you feel it’s consumed you.
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3. Anger and Drama
When you feel bored, there’s no momentum in that. You feel lifeless; like a plank of wood floating on still water. And you would rather feel fun and excitement (i.e. positive momentum). But, if you don’t know how to generate those feelings, then you’ll settle for the next easiest emotion that has momentum, which is anger. (But anger is negative momentum; when not intentionally controlled.)
Drama feels interesting compared to boredom, until it gradually wears on you (and your relationships). So you try to give that anger addiction up. But if you don’t know how to create positive momentum, then when you get bored, you’ll reach for anger again to get your fix to feel that energy flow.
As you judge yourself, you will feel sad, and then naturally inspired to feel angry, because anger has more momentum and energy than sadness; thus it feels more empowering. But if you don’t intentionally choose anger for relief (in a safe space, by yourself; don’t express it to others), then as you continue judging people and circumstances, you will eventually feel sad again, and feel stuck in a cycle of sad → angry → sad → angry.
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4. Victim Mentality, Dismissive and Needing to Be Right
If you haven’t healed your inner child and trauma, you can get addicted to always feeling like a victim. You would rather be right, than happy. So you can believe you’re always right, and everyone else is wrong. You can get addicted to being dismissive of people’s perspectives (as a reflection of how you felt you were treated growing up). One advantage of continuing to feel like a victim is, you don’t have to change; everyone else has to change, because they’re the problem (i.e. you believe your negative emotions come from them). Your trauma isn’t your fault. And, healing is possible, when you feel comfortable and open to the opportunity.
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5. Procrastinating, Isolation and Abandonment
Isolation amplified after the year 2020 (gee, I wonder why…). The main appeal is having no expectations, pressure to perform, or be responsible to others. The issue is, people are simply a mirror that reflects the relationship you have with yourself. So avoiding people doesn’t get rid of your limiting beliefs; you just become less aware of them.
Also, it can be easy to get stuck in the cycle of, "I hate myself, so I don't socialize. Which makes me feel lonely. So I hate myself even more..."
Procrastinating and abandonment can cause other addictions. For ex: You’re doomscrolling until 2 am because you’re avoiding the routine to go to bed, and/ or trying to run away from feeling bored, lonely and worthless.
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6. Productivity, Maximizing and Efficiency
People thought the creation of computers would help people work less because it would do a lot of the work. Only to fast forward and realize it just raised society’s standards of the work they expected from you, causing you to ironically work more; not less. And with the emergence of A.I., hopefully we don’t repeat the same mistake.
People naturally want what’s best for them. But, if you were raised to constantly need to improve and do more, then any activity you do, can be turned into two to three activities. Maximizing your time doing one activity, while learning another (e.g. second screen viewing — which can be beneficial, but detrimental when you feel you have to do it and/or avoiding boredom). With the abundance and ease of access to learning, addiction to productivity causes you to demonize downtime: “Why just go for a walk? Why just lay in bed? I should be making money or learning something useful.”
Productivity addiction can justify doing less hobbies you enjoy, because they’re not making money. This can ironically make you less productive. You’re burned out, but you feel lazy because you don’t want to work all of the time; but can’t justify fun… so you do nothing as a compromise. This reduces the quality of your life, which then fuels other negative addictions to fill the void. And, if you don’t take a break from working, then your body will do it for you.
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7. Comparing Yourself to Others and Should
When you compare yourself, you should all over yourself. “I should do this and be different,” or, “I shouldn’t have done that.” Shoulds leave you either feeling shame or resentment. If you force yourself to do what you think you should, then you sacrifice yourself, and so you feel resentment. But if you don’t do it, then you feel guilty, shame and regret. You can’t win.
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8. Limerence, One-Sided and Parasocial Relationships
You’re addicted to people who don’t care about you. You keep holding on to people whose behavior makes it clear they’re not interested in a mutually satisfying relationship (romantic or friendship). This can be celebrities, K-Pop idols, streamers, influences and/or a situationship you’ve put your life on hold for years waiting and hoping for it to become something more.
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You Didn’t Waste Your Life — There’s Still Hope

Robert Downey Jr.'s life was a disaster for years (alcohol and drug addiction, arrested, etc.) before he decided to turn it around (and iconically become Iron Man). His pain and experiences were fuel to become the actor and inspirational person that he is today. His quotes:

• “Remember that just because you hit the bottom doesn't mean you have to stay there.”
• “It’s easy to embrace hopelessness when things seem insurmountable. And yet, it’s actually just a matter of time until all of the elements come together for things to be alright. I mean, I believe that most difficult situations will resolve themselves if you are persistent and if you don’t give up entirely. And that’s what I never did; I never gave up.”

Although it may not seem like it right now, everything you have lived can be used to make you stronger, wiser, healthier and happier. Your potential has increased at least tenfold because of your “wasted” experiences. Think of it like you’re a rubber band on a slingshot; and the further back you stretched into the darkness, as you let go of limiting beliefs, you propel yourself forward that much farther into the light.
I can’t wait for you to begin seeing what you’re truly capable of in the months and years to come. When you finally stop beating up on yourself for the very past that will propel you into becoming the more compassionate, understanding, supportive, appreciative, creative, productive and fulfilled person that you want to be.
~ BFree
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Share your thoughts: What’s one step you’re going to do to let go of negative addictions and start allowing more empowering positive addictions?
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So, I get that I am not a woman, I'm the Dad. And I've had undiagnosed ADHD all my life. That's about to change.
My 9 yo daughter just got her diagnosis this week. ADHD and a "learning disability"*. I felt this was the closest to "Family ADHD" sub. I hope that's ok that I posted here. :) My daughter got our family's type of ADHD, the mainly inattentive type. The one that 75% of her cousins have. Some took meds, but that's it.
Her Mom and I separated some years back, but we're rock start coparents! (Very proud of that). We both were not surprised by this diagnosis. We're very open to meds. Her cousins are on Vyvance. I've been using neurofeedback as a long-term and short-term tool.
First Steps My thought is for me to my diagnosis (easy), then get on meds the next week or two, and see how it goes. That way I find the med likely to work best for her and our side effects. Then when school ends for the summer, we ask her to try. Gives us a lot of time.
Neurofeedback? Maybe get neurofeedback started, but the at home system doesn't work as my kiddo's head is too small :)
Therapist? I don't know enough how ADHD therapists would help. I have tried therapists for anxiety in the past, and they had very little to add. It was all common-sense stuff that I found online. I'm concerned this would be the case here too, especially as we all seem to be bright but "unmotivated".
Any and all advice appreciated for us. Thanks!!!! . . . . . .
Bonus Material
Kiddo * My kiddo's "learning disability" is cool. She sees the world in 3D and 4D. I feel it's a superpower and she's just too evolved to see stuff in 2D, and, you know read :D She also has synethsia and perfect beat. A very, very cool kid for that and a bunch of other reasons. You'd like her. She had a 3% on verbal working memory, 10% on academics, and 80%+ on IQ-related ones.
Me "The ADHD force is strong in your family", to misquite Luke. I was smart enough to get by, until I started working fulltime post-uni. I used stress and booze as my main tools. But I was great about routines etc. I also used ADHD as a superpower in my career. That said I had burnout at age 35 and just getting over it now. The anxiety & depression are gone, the booze doing well again (bad pandemic!). But now that my anxiety is gone, I struggle HARD with ADHD. So it's time for my diagnosis too.
Anyway, as I said, looking for insights. :)

[Note: We’re focusing on emotional reasons; not physical. And this is just one perspective. Please consult your doctor for healing, withdrawals, etc.]
TL;DR: Addictions are coping mechanisms for an unfulfilled, disconnected life. You're craving intimacy and connection. And, you’re addicted because you judge yourself (and others).
Replace “addiction” with “momentum.” You hire an addiction to do one of two jobs:

• Slow Down Negative Momentum (i.e. depressant; takes away pain, calming and relief from stress).
• Speed Up Positive Momentum (i.e. stimulant; gives pleasure, fun, energy and motivation).

Addictions are used to regulate your emotions. But, when you artificially modify momentum, that keeps you stuck. So you’re learning how to shift from negative addictions (e.g. social media, junk food, vaping, etc.) to positive addictions (e.g. meditate, exercise, dancing, drawing, etc.).
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Before we begin, this is important: I’m not here trying to fix you. Because I don’t think you’re broken. I believe in you. You are strong, worthy and powerful enough to transform this. You may not know how to yet, but we’ll work together in understanding what’s at the heart of the issue, to support you in allowing the life you want and deserve.
Secondary Addictions: Phone, social media, food, sugar, caffeine, alcohol, video games, relationships, attention, validation, anger, sex, porn, weed, smoking, gambling, shopping, hoarding, workaholic, perfectionist, procrastinating, etc. All of these are secondary; compensating for an even greater addiction.
Primary Addiction: You’re addicted to judging yourself (and others). Not accepting and appreciating yourself and others is the cause of secondary addictions.
Addictions are coping mechanism for an unfulfilled, disconnected life. Mistreating substances is a reflection of how you treat yourself. And the irony is, part of the source for addiction is… judging yourself for doing it.
Addiction: Consistently using a substance or experience to regulate your emotions (this can be positive or negative).
And to add another layer: Replace “addiction” with “momentum” (or movement or energy flow). There’s momentum towards what you want or don’t want, and we’re discussing shifting momentum from unwanted to wanted; negative addictions to positive. Your natural state is to feel better. But if you don’t know how to do that, then you’ll rely on circumstances and people as fuel for feeling movement. But, when you artificially modify momentum, that keeps you stuck.
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The Cycle of Addictions

• Unwanted/ Negative Addiction: Judging anything makes you crave relief → So you consume more external/ conditional relief; relying on circumstances and people to feel better → Until you start judging again.
• Wanted/ Positive Addiction: Judging anything makes you crave relief → So you consume more internal/ unconditional relief; relying on your ability to focus to feel better → Accepting and appreciating reduces your desire for judging and negative addictions.

Negative addictions are used to avoid negative emotions. Whereas positive addictions are used to heal and embrace negative emotions.
Negative emotions are positive guidance (although it might not feel that way) letting you know you are focusing on (and judging) what you don't want. Negative emotions are just messengers of the limiting beliefs you're practicing. They're a necessary part of your emotional guidance, like GPS in your car. But the more you avoid or fight them, you keep yourself stuck.
All emotions are equal and worthy. But most people unknowingly create a hierarchy for their emotions (i.e. positive = good; negative = bad). Begin seeing negative emotions as worthy, valuable and supportive friends, and work together as a team to help you feel better.
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The Purpose of Addictions

Because you’re the CEO of you, you hire an addiction to do one of two jobs:

• Slow Down Negative Momentum (i.e. depressant; takes away pain, calming and relief from stress).
• Speed Up Positive Momentum (i.e. stimulant; gives pleasure, fun, energy, motivation and enhances a good time).

Addictions either make you feel more powerful, or distract you from feeling powerless. Negative addictions give you a false sense of security, which ironically enhances your insecurity. And that keeps you stuck in a cycle of abuse with negative addictions.
Addictions can soften your focus, so you’re distracted and more general with your thoughts (i.e. tune out). And when you focus less on details, then you’re less aware of what you specifically don’t want or have, so you judge less. And with less judgement, you slow down negative momentum, and naturally feel better.
Negative addictions can help you tune out, but they also won’t let you tune in to who you really are. So if you use substances to numb yourself, then you lose your ability to focus. But it’s your power of focusing that will set you free.
Negative addictions are trying to fill a void, with things that aren’t designed to fill it. It’s like trying to fill a cup with a hole in the bottom; so no matter how much you put in, it's still empty. And you use secondary addictions to distract yourself so you don’t feel the emptiness. But the only way to fix the hole is to be reminded of how powerful, worthy and whole you really are. And it’s not a fact that you’re unworthy; it’s just something you’ve been taught by other people, who feel unworthy.
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Because negative addictions are coping mechanisms, then if you think it’s the cause, then not using it will be the cure. But that doesn’t work as a long-term solution because it doesn’t address the actual issue: judging. So when you stop one unwanted behavior, you’ll probably start something else; i.e. transfer addiction. Or, you can call it transfer relief.
As long as you believe negative addictions help you feel normal, then you're not incentivized to let go because it’s not in your best interest. But when you feel better first, before going to the substance or experience, then you gradually remove its purpose, and thus your desire for it.

• Instead of saying, "I'm addicted," (which is valid). It's more accurate to say, “I’m seeking relief in the best way I know how.”

Negative addictions are just tools, and you used that tool to help you through a difficult time when you didn't know what else to do. You did the best you could, and now you’re ready for a change.

• “Thank you, negative addiction. I appreciate that you supported me. But, I’m taking the company in a new direction, and I will no longer be needing your services.”

Negative addictions have imposter syndrome; and rightfully so — they’re unqualified for the job of giving you sustainable relief. So when you start hiring positive addictions, then you release the control negative addictions once had over the company (i.e. you).
And it doesn’t mean you still don’t enjoy technology, food, etc. You can let them be for fun (based on your personal boundaries), but you are in control. They’re expressions of a fulfilling life; not replacements for it.
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Positive Addictions — What You’re Really Craving

Addictions indicate you're craving intimacy and connection. With others is nice, but you’re craving connection with yourself. And to stop an unwanted addiction, you want a new healthy habit to take its place. Because without it, there’s a power vacuum. So, what are your new healthier coping mechanisms to connect with yourself? For ex:

• "When I feel sad, I meditate for 2 - 15 minutes."
• "When I feel powerless, I exercise, go for a walk, ride a bike, or connect with nature.”
• "When I feel unloved and rejected, I connect with my body, by putting my hand on my heart, focus on deep breathing and being there for myself."
• "When I feel bored, I practice creative outlets to express myself (e.g. dancing, singing, drawing, gardening, crocheting, cooking, etc.).”

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Tips to Start Healing

1. Be Aware. Be Mindful. Be Intentional. When using an unwanted addiction, tell yourself,

• “I am consciously using this for relief. I’m not going to judge myself, because I understand why I’m doing it. I feel lonely, bored, sad, stressed, etc. And so, I am intentionally doing this activity to feel better.”

The simple act of bringing awareness to an unwanted habit shines light into the darkness, and you start regaining your power. You’re still doing the unwanted activity, but you’re tuning in, instead of tuning out.
2. Make a Deal with Yourself. When you get tempted to do an unwanted addiction, focus on feeling better first (e.g. meditate or go for a walk for a few minutes). Then, you can still do the unwanted addiction after you feel better. (This isn’t advocating unwanted behavior, but it is being realistic in helping you wean yourself off, and begin the job transfer process from negative to positive addictions.) So it accomplishes three things:

1. You’re not depriving yourself; you’re just slightly delaying gratification, which builds up your strength of not automatically going to the same unwanted habit.
2. You’re replacing the old addiction with a better-feeling one (and notice that you’ll consume less and/ or gradually have less desire to use the substance).
3. You create self-trust and respect by making a practical deal with yourself, and showing that you’re stronger than you think and can follow through; which also gives you hope that you can do this.

3. Reduce Consumption: Adjust Time and/ or Intensity. (E.g. If you’re smoking five days a week; do only four days, or use one less a day than normal).
4. Focus on what you want to start doing, instead of what you want to stop doing. What do you want to feel?

• “I want to start feeling relief. I want to feel supported. I want to start feeling more loved and accepted for who I am. I want to feel more comfortable and ease. I want to feel more at peace myself. I want to start feeling how strong and capable my body is. I want to feel proud of myself. I want to feel clarity. I want to start looking for more activities that are fun and bring out my creativity.”

5. Your Phone Has Grayscale, which makes it black and white, thus reducing the stimulus and dopamine you receive from it. You can also turn on app limit timers and turn off notifications.
6. Find an Accountability Buddy (if you can). They don’t have to stop their unwanted addictions, but they're willing to celebrate when you succeed and support you if you fall short. Also consider talking to your smoking or drinking buddies about your new commitment to your health.
7. If You Relapse, It’s Okay. Don’t judge yourself (i.e. "Why am I so weak, stupid, etc.?”). Self-judgment is self-sabotage, because it ironically fuels the very behavior you want to stop. You didn’t lose progress, because recovery isn’t a perfect straight line. It’s a process. And regardless, you’re now one step closer to your goal (with more clarity of what you don’t want, and increased desire for what you do want).
8. Self-Reflection Questions:

• "What am I afraid would happen if I stopped doing an unwanted addiction?"
• "What are the advantages of the substance or activity? How does it support me?"
• "What am I afraid would happen if I accepted myself just the way I am?"
• "What am I afraid would happen if I only focused on what I appreciated about myself?"

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Honorable Mention Addictions

1. Acceptance, Caring What People Think, and Needing to Be Understood
Wanting acceptance is fine. But needing it, is not knowing your value. So you’re desperate to find ways to get people to love and understand you (i.e. people pleaser, perfectionist, workaholic, clingy, gym selfies, etc.). This also inspires arguing, needing to be right and anger addictions, because you need to feel heard and validated (instead of understanding that some people can’t or aren’t interested in understanding).
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2. Avoiding Boredom — Social Media Consumption
Consuming vs Creating. Negative addictions can have an imbalance leaning towards consuming people’s creations, vs expressing your own. When was the last time you laid in bed at night, or waited in line at the store, and didn’t pull out your phone to distract you? Instead of simply appreciating the moment and your surroundings.
“Something distracting me is better than nothing.” But then you don’t have standards of quality; you simply have an insatiable appetite of consuming more. And if you’re not intentionally consuming media; it will consume you. It’s passive consumption; each post is a potato chip. When you don’t have a specific intention before opening an app, then you’ll most likely spend your next hour on empty emotional calories and walk away feeling worse. Excessive consuming leads to fuming and glooming.
Negative addictions can start out innocently. But like a frog in a boiling pot… you don’t notice that you increasingly rely on them for self-medicating negative emotions until you feel it’s consumed you.
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3. Anger and Drama
When you feel bored, there’s no momentum in that. You feel lifeless; like a plank of wood floating on still water. And you would rather feel fun and excitement (i.e. positive momentum). But, if you don’t know how to generate those feelings, then you’ll settle for the next easiest emotion that has momentum, which is anger. (But anger is negative momentum; when not intentionally controlled.)
Drama feels interesting compared to boredom, until it gradually wears on you (and your relationships). So you try to give that anger addiction up. But if you don’t know how to create positive momentum, then when you get bored, you’ll reach for anger again to get your fix to feel that energy flow.
As you judge yourself, you will feel sad, and then naturally inspired to feel angry, because anger has more momentum and energy than sadness; thus it feels more empowering. But if you don’t intentionally choose anger for relief (in a safe space, by yourself; don’t express it to others), then as you continue judging people and circumstances, you will eventually feel sad again, and feel stuck in a cycle of sad → angry → sad → angry.
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4. Victim Mentality, Dismissive and Needing to Be Right
If you haven’t healed your inner child and trauma, you can get addicted to always feeling like a victim. You would rather be right, than happy. So you can believe you’re always right, and everyone else is wrong. You can get addicted to being dismissive of people’s perspectives (as a reflection of how you felt you were treated growing up). One advantage of continuing to feel like a victim is, you don’t have to change; everyone else has to change, because they’re the problem (i.e. you believe your negative emotions come from them). Your trauma isn’t your fault. And, healing is possible, when you feel comfortable and open to the opportunity.
.
5. Procrastinating, Isolation and Abandonment
Isolation amplified after the year 2020 (gee, I wonder why…). The main appeal is having no expectations, pressure to perform, or be responsible to others. The issue is, people are simply a mirror that reflects the relationship you have with yourself. So avoiding people doesn’t get rid of your limiting beliefs; you just become less aware of them.
Also, it can be easy to get stuck in the cycle of, "I hate myself, so I don't socialize. Which makes me feel lonely. So I hate myself even more..."
Procrastinating and abandonment can cause other addictions. For ex: You’re doomscrolling until 2 am because you’re avoiding the routine to go to bed, and/ or trying to run away from feeling bored, lonely and worthless.
.
6. Productivity, Maximizing and Efficiency
People thought the creation of computers would help people work less because it would do a lot of the work. Only to fast forward and realize it just raised society’s standards of the work they expected from you, causing you to ironically work more; not less. And with the emergence of A.I., hopefully we don’t repeat the same mistake.
People naturally want what’s best for them. But, if you were raised to constantly need to improve and do more, then any activity you do, can be turned into two to three activities. Maximizing your time doing one activity, while learning another (e.g. second screen viewing — which can be beneficial, but detrimental when you feel you have to do it and/or avoiding boredom). With the abundance and ease of access to learning, addiction to productivity causes you to demonize downtime: “Why just go for a walk? Why just lay in bed? I should be making money or learning something useful.”
Productivity addiction can justify doing less hobbies you enjoy, because they’re not making money. This can ironically make you less productive. You’re burned out, but you feel lazy because you don’t want to work all of the time; but can’t justify fun… so you do nothing as a compromise. This reduces the quality of your life, which then fuels other negative addictions to fill the void. And, if you don’t take a break from working, then your body will do it for you.
.
7. Comparing Yourself to Others and Should
When you compare yourself, you should all over yourself. “I should do this and be different,” or, “I shouldn’t have done that.” Shoulds leave you either feeling shame or resentment. If you force yourself to do what you think you should, then you sacrifice yourself, and so you feel resentment. But if you don’t do it, then you feel guilty, shame and regret. You can’t win.
.
8. Limerence, One-Sided and Parasocial Relationships
You’re addicted to people who don’t care about you. You keep holding on to people whose behavior makes it clear they’re not interested in a mutually satisfying relationship (romantic or friendship). This can be celebrities, K-Pop idols, streamers, influences and/or a situationship you’ve put your life on hold for years waiting and hoping for it to become something more.
.

You Didn’t Waste Your Life — There’s Still Hope

Robert Downey Jr.'s life was a disaster for years (alcohol and drug addiction, arrested, etc.) before he decided to turn it around (and iconically become Iron Man). His pain and experiences were fuel to become the actor and inspirational person that he is today. His quotes:

• “Remember that just because you hit the bottom doesn't mean you have to stay there.”
• “It’s easy to embrace hopelessness when things seem insurmountable. And yet, it’s actually just a matter of time until all of the elements come together for things to be alright. I mean, I believe that most difficult situations will resolve themselves if you are persistent and if you don’t give up entirely. And that’s what I never did; I never gave up.”

Although it may not seem like it right now, everything you have lived can be used to make you stronger, wiser, healthier and happier. Your potential has increased at least tenfold because of your “wasted” experiences. Think of it like you’re a rubber band on a slingshot; and the further back you stretched into the darkness, as you let go of limiting beliefs, you propel yourself forward that much farther into the light.
I can’t wait for you to begin seeing what you’re truly capable of in the months and years to come. When you finally stop beating up on yourself for the very past that will propel you into becoming the more compassionate, understanding, supportive, appreciative, creative, productive and fulfilled person that you want to be.
~ BFree
.
Share your thoughts: What’s one step you’re going to do to let go of negative addictions and start allowing more empowering positive addictions?
.

[Note: We’re focusing on emotional reasons; not physical. And this is just one perspective. Please consult your doctor for healing, withdrawals, etc.]
TL;DR: Addictions are coping mechanisms for an unfulfilled, disconnected life. You're craving intimacy and connection. And, you’re addicted because you judge yourself (and others).
Replace “addiction” with “momentum.” You hire an addiction to do one of two jobs:

• Slow Down Negative Momentum (i.e. depressant; takes away pain, calming and relief from stress).
• Speed Up Positive Momentum (i.e. stimulant; gives pleasure, fun, energy and motivation).

Addictions are used to regulate your emotions. But, when you artificially modify momentum, that keeps you stuck. So you’re learning how to shift from negative addictions (e.g. social media, junk food, vaping, etc.) to positive addictions (e.g. meditate, exercise, dancing, drawing, etc.).
_____
Before we begin, this is important: I’m not here trying to fix you. Because I don’t think you’re broken. I believe in you. You are strong, worthy and powerful enough to transform this. You may not know how to yet, but we’ll work together in understanding what’s at the heart of the issue, to support you in allowing the life you want and deserve.
Secondary Addictions: Phone, social media, food, sugar, caffeine, alcohol, video games, relationships, attention, validation, anger, sex, porn, weed, smoking, gambling, shopping, hoarding, workaholic, perfectionist, procrastinating, etc. All of these are secondary; compensating for an even greater addiction.
Primary Addiction: You’re addicted to judging yourself (and others). Not accepting and appreciating yourself and others is the cause of secondary addictions.
Addictions are coping mechanism for an unfulfilled, disconnected life. Mistreating substances is a reflection of how you treat yourself. And the irony is, part of the source for addiction is… judging yourself for doing it.
Addiction: Consistently using a substance or experience to regulate your emotions (this can be positive or negative).
And to add another layer: Replace “addiction” with “momentum” (or movement or energy flow). There’s momentum towards what you want or don’t want, and we’re discussing shifting momentum from unwanted to wanted; negative addictions to positive. Your natural state is to feel better. But if you don’t know how to do that, then you’ll rely on circumstances and people as fuel for feeling movement. But, when you artificially modify momentum, that keeps you stuck.
.

The Cycle of Addictions

• Unwanted/ Negative Addiction: Judging anything makes you crave relief → So you consume more external/ conditional relief; relying on circumstances and people to feel better → Until you start judging again.
• Wanted/ Positive Addiction: Judging anything makes you crave relief → So you consume more internal/ unconditional relief; relying on your ability to focus to feel better → Accepting and appreciating reduces your desire for judging and negative addictions.

Negative addictions are used to avoid negative emotions. Whereas positive addictions are used to heal and embrace negative emotions.
Negative emotions are positive guidance (although it might not feel that way) letting you know you are focusing on (and judging) what you don't want. Negative emotions are just messengers of the limiting beliefs you're practicing. They're a necessary part of your emotional guidance, like GPS in your car. But the more you avoid or fight them, you keep yourself stuck.
All emotions are equal and worthy. But most people unknowingly create a hierarchy for their emotions (i.e. positive = good; negative = bad). Begin seeing negative emotions as worthy, valuable and supportive friends, and work together as a team to help you feel better.
.

The Purpose of Addictions

Because you’re the CEO of you, you hire an addiction to do one of two jobs:

• Slow Down Negative Momentum (i.e. depressant; takes away pain, calming and relief from stress).
• Speed Up Positive Momentum (i.e. stimulant; gives pleasure, fun, energy, motivation and enhances a good time).

Addictions either make you feel more powerful, or distract you from feeling powerless. Negative addictions give you a false sense of security, which ironically enhances your insecurity. And that keeps you stuck in a cycle of abuse with negative addictions.
Addictions can soften your focus, so you’re distracted and more general with your thoughts (i.e. tune out). And when you focus less on details, then you’re less aware of what you specifically don’t want or have, so you judge less. And with less judgement, you slow down negative momentum, and naturally feel better.
Negative addictions can help you tune out, but they also won’t let you tune in to who you really are. So if you use substances to numb yourself, then you lose your ability to focus. But it’s your power of focusing that will set you free.
Negative addictions are trying to fill a void, with things that aren’t designed to fill it. It’s like trying to fill a cup with a hole in the bottom; so no matter how much you put in, it's still empty. And you use secondary addictions to distract yourself so you don’t feel the emptiness. But the only way to fix the hole is to be reminded of how powerful, worthy and whole you really are. And it’s not a fact that you’re unworthy; it’s just something you’ve been taught by other people, who feel unworthy.
.
Because negative addictions are coping mechanisms, then if you think it’s the cause, then not using it will be the cure. But that doesn’t work as a long-term solution because it doesn’t address the actual issue: judging. So when you stop one unwanted behavior, you’ll probably start something else; i.e. transfer addiction. Or, you can call it transfer relief.
As long as you believe negative addictions help you feel normal, then you're not incentivized to let go because it’s not in your best interest. But when you feel better first, before going to the substance or experience, then you gradually remove its purpose, and thus your desire for it.

• Instead of saying, "I'm addicted," (which is valid). It's more accurate to say, “I’m seeking relief in the best way I know how.”

Negative addictions are just tools, and you used that tool to help you through a difficult time when you didn't know what else to do. You did the best you could, and now you’re ready for a change.

• “Thank you, negative addiction. I appreciate that you supported me. But, I’m taking the company in a new direction, and I will no longer be needing your services.”

Negative addictions have imposter syndrome; and rightfully so — they’re unqualified for the job of giving you sustainable relief. So when you start hiring positive addictions, then you release the control negative addictions once had over the company (i.e. you).
And it doesn’t mean you still don’t enjoy technology, food, etc. You can let them be for fun (based on your personal boundaries), but you are in control. They’re expressions of a fulfilling life; not replacements for it.
.

Positive Addictions — What You’re Really Craving

Addictions indicate you're craving intimacy and connection. With others is nice, but you’re craving connection with yourself. And to stop an unwanted addiction, you want a new healthy habit to take its place. Because without it, there’s a power vacuum. So, what are your new healthier coping mechanisms to connect with yourself? For ex:

• "When I feel sad, I meditate for 2 - 15 minutes."
• "When I feel powerless, I exercise, go for a walk, ride a bike, or connect with nature.”
• "When I feel unloved and rejected, I connect with my body, by putting my hand on my heart, focus on deep breathing and being there for myself."
• "When I feel bored, I practice creative outlets to express myself (e.g. dancing, singing, drawing, gardening, crocheting, cooking, etc.).”

.

Tips to Start Healing

1. Be Aware. Be Mindful. Be Intentional. When using an unwanted addiction, tell yourself,

• “I am consciously using this for relief. I’m not going to judge myself, because I understand why I’m doing it. I feel lonely, bored, sad, stressed, etc. And so, I am intentionally doing this activity to feel better.”

The simple act of bringing awareness to an unwanted habit shines light into the darkness, and you start regaining your power. You’re still doing the unwanted activity, but you’re tuning in, instead of tuning out.
2. Make a Deal with Yourself. When you get tempted to do an unwanted addiction, focus on feeling better first (e.g. meditate or go for a walk for a few minutes). Then, you can still do the unwanted addiction after you feel better. (This isn’t advocating unwanted behavior, but it is being realistic in helping you wean yourself off, and begin the job transfer process from negative to positive addictions.) So it accomplishes three things:

1. You’re not depriving yourself; you’re just slightly delaying gratification, which builds up your strength of not automatically going to the same unwanted habit.
2. You’re replacing the old addiction with a better-feeling one (and notice that you’ll consume less and/ or gradually have less desire to use the substance).
3. You create self-trust and respect by making a practical deal with yourself, and showing that you’re stronger than you think and can follow through; which also gives you hope that you can do this.

3. Reduce Consumption: Adjust Time and/ or Intensity. (E.g. If you’re smoking five days a week; do only four days, or use one less a day than normal).
4. Focus on what you want to start doing, instead of what you want to stop doing. What do you want to feel?

• “I want to start feeling relief. I want to feel supported. I want to start feeling more loved and accepted for who I am. I want to feel more comfortable and ease. I want to feel more at peace myself. I want to start feeling how strong and capable my body is. I want to feel proud of myself. I want to feel clarity. I want to start looking for more activities that are fun and bring out my creativity.”

5. Your Phone Has Grayscale, which makes it black and white, thus reducing the stimulus and dopamine you receive from it. You can also turn on app limit timers and turn off notifications.
6. Find an Accountability Buddy (if you can). They don’t have to stop their unwanted addictions, but they're willing to celebrate when you succeed and support you if you fall short. Also consider talking to your smoking or drinking buddies about your new commitment to your health.
7. If You Relapse, It’s Okay. Don’t judge yourself (i.e. "Why am I so weak, stupid, etc.?”). Self-judgment is self-sabotage, because it ironically fuels the very behavior you want to stop. You didn’t lose progress, because recovery isn’t a perfect straight line. It’s a process. And regardless, you’re now one step closer to your goal (with more clarity of what you don’t want, and increased desire for what you do want).
8. Self-Reflection Questions:

• "What am I afraid would happen if I stopped doing an unwanted addiction?"
• "What are the advantages of the substance or activity? How does it support me?"
• "What am I afraid would happen if I accepted myself just the way I am?"
• "What am I afraid would happen if I only focused on what I appreciated about myself?"

.

Honorable Mention Addictions

1. Acceptance, Caring What People Think, and Needing to Be Understood
Wanting acceptance is fine. But needing it, is not knowing your value. So you’re desperate to find ways to get people to love and understand you (i.e. people pleaser, perfectionist, workaholic, clingy, gym selfies, etc.). This also inspires arguing, needing to be right and anger addictions, because you need to feel heard and validated (instead of understanding that some people can’t or aren’t interested in understanding).
.
2. Avoiding Boredom — Social Media Consumption
Consuming vs Creating. Negative addictions can have an imbalance leaning towards consuming people’s creations, vs expressing your own. When was the last time you laid in bed at night, or waited in line at the store, and didn’t pull out your phone to distract you? Instead of simply appreciating the moment and your surroundings.
“Something distracting me is better than nothing.” But then you don’t have standards of quality; you simply have an insatiable appetite of consuming more. And if you’re not intentionally consuming media; it will consume you. It’s passive consumption; each post is a potato chip. When you don’t have a specific intention before opening an app, then you’ll most likely spend your next hour on empty emotional calories and walk away feeling worse. Excessive consuming leads to fuming and glooming.
Negative addictions can start out innocently. But like a frog in a boiling pot… you don’t notice that you increasingly rely on them for self-medicating negative emotions until you feel it’s consumed you.
.
3. Anger and Drama
When you feel bored, there’s no momentum in that. You feel lifeless; like a plank of wood floating on still water. And you would rather feel fun and excitement (i.e. positive momentum). But, if you don’t know how to generate those feelings, then you’ll settle for the next easiest emotion that has momentum, which is anger. (But anger is negative momentum; when not intentionally controlled.)
Drama feels interesting compared to boredom, until it gradually wears on you (and your relationships). So you try to give that anger addiction up. But if you don’t know how to create positive momentum, then when you get bored, you’ll reach for anger again to get your fix to feel that energy flow.
As you judge yourself, you will feel sad, and then naturally inspired to feel angry, because anger has more momentum and energy than sadness; thus it feels more empowering. But if you don’t intentionally choose anger for relief (in a safe space, by yourself; don’t express it to others), then as you continue judging people and circumstances, you will eventually feel sad again, and feel stuck in a cycle of sad → angry → sad → angry.
.
4. Victim Mentality, Dismissive and Needing to Be Right
If you haven’t healed your inner child and trauma, you can get addicted to always feeling like a victim. You would rather be right, than happy. So you can believe you’re always right, and everyone else is wrong. You can get addicted to being dismissive of people’s perspectives (as a reflection of how you felt you were treated growing up). One advantage of continuing to feel like a victim is, you don’t have to change; everyone else has to change, because they’re the problem (i.e. you believe your negative emotions come from them). Your trauma isn’t your fault. And, healing is possible, when you feel comfortable and open to the opportunity.
.
5. Procrastinating, Isolation and Abandonment
Isolation amplified after the year 2020 (gee, I wonder why…). The main appeal is having no expectations, pressure to perform, or be responsible to others. The issue is, people are simply a mirror that reflects the relationship you have with yourself. So avoiding people doesn’t get rid of your limiting beliefs; you just become less aware of them.
Also, it can be easy to get stuck in the cycle of, "I hate myself, so I don't socialize. Which makes me feel lonely. So I hate myself even more..."
Procrastinating and abandonment can cause other addictions. For ex: You’re doomscrolling until 2 am because you’re avoiding the routine to go to bed, and/ or trying to run away from feeling bored, lonely and worthless.
.
6. Productivity, Maximizing and Efficiency
People thought the creation of computers would help people work less because it would do a lot of the work. Only to fast forward and realize it just raised society’s standards of the work they expected from you, causing you to ironically work more; not less. And with the emergence of A.I., hopefully we don’t repeat the same mistake.
People naturally want what’s best for them. But, if you were raised to constantly need to improve and do more, then any activity you do, can be turned into two to three activities. Maximizing your time doing one activity, while learning another (e.g. second screen viewing — which can be beneficial, but detrimental when you feel you have to do it and/or avoiding boredom). With the abundance and ease of access to learning, addiction to productivity causes you to demonize downtime: “Why just go for a walk? Why just lay in bed? I should be making money or learning something useful.”
Productivity addiction can justify doing less hobbies you enjoy, because they’re not making money. This can ironically make you less productive. You’re burned out, but you feel lazy because you don’t want to work all of the time; but can’t justify fun… so you do nothing as a compromise. This reduces the quality of your life, which then fuels other negative addictions to fill the void. And, if you don’t take a break from working, then your body will do it for you.
.
7. Comparing Yourself to Others and Should
When you compare yourself, you should all over yourself. “I should do this and be different,” or, “I shouldn’t have done that.” Shoulds leave you either feeling shame or resentment. If you force yourself to do what you think you should, then you sacrifice yourself, and so you feel resentment. But if you don’t do it, then you feel guilty, shame and regret. You can’t win.
.
8. Limerence, One-Sided and Parasocial Relationships
You’re addicted to people who don’t care about you. You keep holding on to people whose behavior makes it clear they’re not interested in a mutually satisfying relationship (romantic or friendship). This can be celebrities, K-Pop idols, streamers, influences and/or a situationship you’ve put your life on hold for years waiting and hoping for it to become something more.
.

You Didn’t Waste Your Life — There’s Still Hope

Robert Downey Jr.'s life was a disaster for years (alcohol and drug addiction, arrested, etc.) before he decided to turn it around (and iconically become Iron Man). His pain and experiences were fuel to become the actor and inspirational person that he is today. His quotes:

• “Remember that just because you hit the bottom doesn't mean you have to stay there.”
• “It’s easy to embrace hopelessness when things seem insurmountable. And yet, it’s actually just a matter of time until all of the elements come together for things to be alright. I mean, I believe that most difficult situations will resolve themselves if you are persistent and if you don’t give up entirely. And that’s what I never did; I never gave up.”

Although it may not seem like it right now, everything you have lived can be used to make you stronger, wiser, healthier and happier. Your potential has increased at least tenfold because of your “wasted” experiences. Think of it like you’re a rubber band on a slingshot; and the further back you stretched into the darkness, as you let go of limiting beliefs, you propel yourself forward that much farther into the light.
I can’t wait for you to begin seeing what you’re truly capable of in the months and years to come. When you finally stop beating up on yourself for the very past that will propel you into becoming the more compassionate, understanding, supportive, appreciative, creative, productive and fulfilled person that you want to be.
~ BFree
.
Share your thoughts: What’s one step you’re going to do to let go of negative addictions and start allowing more empowering positive addictions?
.

[Note: We’re focusing on emotional reasons; not physical. And this is just one perspective. Please consult your doctor for healing, withdrawals, etc.]
TL;DR: Addictions are coping mechanisms for an unfulfilled, disconnected life. You're craving intimacy and connection. And, you’re addicted because you judge yourself (and others).
Replace “addiction” with “momentum.” You hire an addiction to do one of two jobs:

• Slow Down Negative Momentum (i.e. depressant; takes away pain, calming and relief from stress).
• Speed Up Positive Momentum (i.e. stimulant; gives pleasure, fun, energy and motivation).

Addictions are used to regulate your emotions. But, when you artificially modify momentum, that keeps you stuck. So you’re learning how to shift from negative addictions (e.g. social media, junk food, vaping, etc.) to positive addictions (e.g. meditate, exercise, dancing, drawing, etc.).
_____
Before we begin, this is important: I’m not here trying to fix you. Because I don’t think you’re broken. I believe in you. You are strong, worthy and powerful enough to transform this. You may not know how to yet, but we’ll work together in understanding what’s at the heart of the issue, to support you in allowing the life you want and deserve.
Secondary Addictions: Phone, social media, food, sugar, caffeine, alcohol, video games, relationships, attention, validation, anger, sex, porn, weed, smoking, gambling, shopping, hoarding, workaholic, perfectionist, procrastinating, etc. All of these are secondary; compensating for an even greater addiction.
Primary Addiction: You’re addicted to judging yourself (and others). Not accepting and appreciating yourself and others is the cause of secondary addictions.
Addictions are coping mechanism for an unfulfilled, disconnected life. Mistreating substances is a reflection of how you treat yourself. And the irony is, part of the source for addiction is… judging yourself for doing it.
Addiction: Consistently using a substance or experience to regulate your emotions (this can be positive or negative).
And to add another layer: Replace “addiction” with “momentum” (or movement or energy flow). There’s momentum towards what you want or don’t want, and we’re discussing shifting momentum from unwanted to wanted; negative addictions to positive. Your natural state is to feel better. But if you don’t know how to do that, then you’ll rely on circumstances and people as fuel for feeling movement. But, when you artificially modify momentum, that keeps you stuck.
.

The Cycle of Addictions

• Unwanted/ Negative Addiction: Judging anything makes you crave relief → So you consume more external/ conditional relief; relying on circumstances and people to feel better → Until you start judging again.
• Wanted/ Positive Addiction: Judging anything makes you crave relief → So you consume more internal/ unconditional relief; relying on your ability to focus to feel better → Accepting and appreciating reduces your desire for judging and negative addictions.

Negative addictions are used to avoid negative emotions. Whereas positive addictions are used to heal and embrace negative emotions.
Negative emotions are positive guidance (although it might not feel that way) letting you know you are focusing on (and judging) what you don't want. Negative emotions are just messengers of the limiting beliefs you're practicing. They're a necessary part of your emotional guidance, like GPS in your car. But the more you avoid or fight them, you keep yourself stuck.
All emotions are equal and worthy. But most people unknowingly create a hierarchy for their emotions (i.e. positive = good; negative = bad). Begin seeing negative emotions as worthy, valuable and supportive friends, and work together as a team to help you feel better.
.

The Purpose of Addictions

Because you’re the CEO of you, you hire an addiction to do one of two jobs:

• Slow Down Negative Momentum (i.e. depressant; takes away pain, calming and relief from stress).
• Speed Up Positive Momentum (i.e. stimulant; gives pleasure, fun, energy, motivation and enhances a good time).

Addictions either make you feel more powerful, or distract you from feeling powerless. Negative addictions give you a false sense of security, which ironically enhances your insecurity. And that keeps you stuck in a cycle of abuse with negative addictions.
Addictions can soften your focus, so you’re distracted and more general with your thoughts (i.e. tune out). And when you focus less on details, then you’re less aware of what you specifically don’t want or have, so you judge less. And with less judgement, you slow down negative momentum, and naturally feel better.
Negative addictions can help you tune out, but they also won’t let you tune in to who you really are. So if you use substances to numb yourself, then you lose your ability to focus. But it’s your power of focusing that will set you free.
Negative addictions are trying to fill a void, with things that aren’t designed to fill it. It’s like trying to fill a cup with a hole in the bottom; so no matter how much you put in, it's still empty. And you use secondary addictions to distract yourself so you don’t feel the emptiness. But the only way to fix the hole is to be reminded of how powerful, worthy and whole you really are. And it’s not a fact that you’re unworthy; it’s just something you’ve been taught by other people, who feel unworthy.
.
Because negative addictions are coping mechanisms, then if you think it’s the cause, then not using it will be the cure. But that doesn’t work as a long-term solution because it doesn’t address the actual issue: judging. So when you stop one unwanted behavior, you’ll probably start something else; i.e. transfer addiction. Or, you can call it transfer relief.
As long as you believe negative addictions help you feel normal, then you're not incentivized to let go because it’s not in your best interest. But when you feel better first, before going to the substance or experience, then you gradually remove its purpose, and thus your desire for it.

• Instead of saying, "I'm addicted," (which is valid). It's more accurate to say, “I’m seeking relief in the best way I know how.”

Negative addictions are just tools, and you used that tool to help you through a difficult time when you didn't know what else to do. You did the best you could, and now you’re ready for a change.

• “Thank you, negative addiction. I appreciate that you supported me. But, I’m taking the company in a new direction, and I will no longer be needing your services.”

Negative addictions have imposter syndrome; and rightfully so — they’re unqualified for the job of giving you sustainable relief. So when you start hiring positive addictions, then you release the control negative addictions once had over the company (i.e. you).
And it doesn’t mean you still don’t enjoy technology, food, etc. You can let them be for fun (based on your personal boundaries), but you are in control. They’re expressions of a fulfilling life; not replacements for it.
.

Positive Addictions — What You’re Really Craving

Addictions indicate you're craving intimacy and connection. With others is nice, but you’re craving connection with yourself. And to stop an unwanted addiction, you want a new healthy habit to take its place. Because without it, there’s a power vacuum. So, what are your new healthier coping mechanisms to connect with yourself? For ex:

• "When I feel sad, I meditate for 2 - 15 minutes."
• "When I feel powerless, I exercise, go for a walk, ride a bike, or connect with nature.”
• "When I feel unloved and rejected, I connect with my body, by putting my hand on my heart, focus on deep breathing and being there for myself."
• "When I feel bored, I practice creative outlets to express myself (e.g. dancing, singing, drawing, gardening, crocheting, cooking, etc.).”

.

Tips to Start Healing

1. Be Aware. Be Mindful. Be Intentional. When using an unwanted addiction, tell yourself,

• “I am consciously using this for relief. I’m not going to judge myself, because I understand why I’m doing it. I feel lonely, bored, sad, stressed, etc. And so, I am intentionally doing this activity to feel better.”

The simple act of bringing awareness to an unwanted habit shines light into the darkness, and you start regaining your power. You’re still doing the unwanted activity, but you’re tuning in, instead of tuning out.
2. Make a Deal with Yourself. When you get tempted to do an unwanted addiction, focus on feeling better first (e.g. meditate or go for a walk for a few minutes). Then, you can still do the unwanted addiction after you feel better. (This isn’t advocating unwanted behavior, but it is being realistic in helping you wean yourself off, and begin the job transfer process from negative to positive addictions.) So it accomplishes three things:

1. You’re not depriving yourself; you’re just slightly delaying gratification, which builds up your strength of not automatically going to the same unwanted habit.
2. You’re replacing the old addiction with a better-feeling one (and notice that you’ll consume less and/ or gradually have less desire to use the substance).
3. You create self-trust and respect by making a practical deal with yourself, and showing that you’re stronger than you think and can follow through; which also gives you hope that you can do this.

3. Reduce Consumption: Adjust Time and/ or Intensity. (E.g. If you’re smoking five days a week; do only four days, or use one less a day than normal).
4. Focus on what you want to start doing, instead of what you want to stop doing. What do you want to feel?

• “I want to start feeling relief. I want to feel supported. I want to start feeling more loved and accepted for who I am. I want to feel more comfortable and ease. I want to feel more at peace myself. I want to start feeling how strong and capable my body is. I want to feel proud of myself. I want to feel clarity. I want to start looking for more activities that are fun and bring out my creativity.”

5. Your Phone Has Grayscale, which makes it black and white, thus reducing the stimulus and dopamine you receive from it. You can also turn on app limit timers and turn off notifications.
6. Find an Accountability Buddy (if you can). They don’t have to stop their unwanted addictions, but they're willing to celebrate when you succeed and support you if you fall short. Also consider talking to your smoking or drinking buddies about your new commitment to your health.
7. If You Relapse, It’s Okay. Don’t judge yourself (i.e. "Why am I so weak, stupid, etc.?”). Self-judgment is self-sabotage, because it ironically fuels the very behavior you want to stop. You didn’t lose progress, because recovery isn’t a perfect straight line. It’s a process. And regardless, you’re now one step closer to your goal (with more clarity of what you don’t want, and increased desire for what you do want).
8. Self-Reflection Questions:

• "What am I afraid would happen if I stopped doing an unwanted addiction?"
• "What are the advantages of the substance or activity? How does it support me?"
• "What am I afraid would happen if I accepted myself just the way I am?"
• "What am I afraid would happen if I only focused on what I appreciated about myself?"

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Honorable Mention Addictions

1. Acceptance, Caring What People Think, and Needing to Be Understood
Wanting acceptance is fine. But needing it, is not knowing your value. So you’re desperate to find ways to get people to love and understand you (i.e. people pleaser, perfectionist, workaholic, clingy, gym selfies, etc.). This also inspires arguing, needing to be right and anger addictions, because you need to feel heard and validated (instead of understanding that some people can’t or aren’t interested in understanding).
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2. Avoiding Boredom — Social Media Consumption
Consuming vs Creating. Negative addictions can have an imbalance leaning towards consuming people’s creations, vs expressing your own. When was the last time you laid in bed at night, or waited in line at the store, and didn’t pull out your phone to distract you? Instead of simply appreciating the moment and your surroundings.
“Something distracting me is better than nothing.” But then you don’t have standards of quality; you simply have an insatiable appetite of consuming more. And if you’re not intentionally consuming media; it will consume you. It’s passive consumption; each post is a potato chip. When you don’t have a specific intention before opening an app, then you’ll most likely spend your next hour on empty emotional calories and walk away feeling worse. Excessive consuming leads to fuming and glooming.
Negative addictions can start out innocently. But like a frog in a boiling pot… you don’t notice that you increasingly rely on them for self-medicating negative emotions until you feel it’s consumed you.
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3. Anger and Drama
When you feel bored, there’s no momentum in that. You feel lifeless; like a plank of wood floating on still water. And you would rather feel fun and excitement (i.e. positive momentum). But, if you don’t know how to generate those feelings, then you’ll settle for the next easiest emotion that has momentum, which is anger. (But anger is negative momentum; when not intentionally controlled.)
Drama feels interesting compared to boredom, until it gradually wears on you (and your relationships). So you try to give that anger addiction up. But if you don’t know how to create positive momentum, then when you get bored, you’ll reach for anger again to get your fix to feel that energy flow.
As you judge yourself, you will feel sad, and then naturally inspired to feel angry, because anger has more momentum and energy than sadness; thus it feels more empowering. But if you don’t intentionally choose anger for relief (in a safe space, by yourself; don’t express it to others), then as you continue judging people and circumstances, you will eventually feel sad again, and feel stuck in a cycle of sad → angry → sad → angry.
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4. Victim Mentality, Dismissive and Needing to Be Right
If you haven’t healed your inner child and trauma, you can get addicted to always feeling like a victim. You would rather be right, than happy. So you can believe you’re always right, and everyone else is wrong. You can get addicted to being dismissive of people’s perspectives (as a reflection of how you felt you were treated growing up). One advantage of continuing to feel like a victim is, you don’t have to change; everyone else has to change, because they’re the problem (i.e. you believe your negative emotions come from them). Your trauma isn’t your fault. And, healing is possible, when you feel comfortable and open to the opportunity.
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5. Procrastinating, Isolation and Abandonment
Isolation amplified after the year 2020 (gee, I wonder why…). The main appeal is having no expectations, pressure to perform, or be responsible to others. The issue is, people are simply a mirror that reflects the relationship you have with yourself. So avoiding people doesn’t get rid of your limiting beliefs; you just become less aware of them.
Also, it can be easy to get stuck in the cycle of, "I hate myself, so I don't socialize. Which makes me feel lonely. So I hate myself even more..."
Procrastinating and abandonment can cause other addictions. For ex: You’re doomscrolling until 2 am because you’re avoiding the routine to go to bed, and/ or trying to run away from feeling bored, lonely and worthless.
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6. Productivity, Maximizing and Efficiency
People thought the creation of computers would help people work less because it would do a lot of the work. Only to fast forward and realize it just raised society’s standards of the work they expected from you, causing you to ironically work more; not less. And with the emergence of A.I., hopefully we don’t repeat the same mistake.
People naturally want what’s best for them. But, if you were raised to constantly need to improve and do more, then any activity you do, can be turned into two to three activities. Maximizing your time doing one activity, while learning another (e.g. second screen viewing — which can be beneficial, but detrimental when you feel you have to do it and/or avoiding boredom). With the abundance and ease of access to learning, addiction to productivity causes you to demonize downtime: “Why just go for a walk? Why just lay in bed? I should be making money or learning something useful.”
Productivity addiction can justify doing less hobbies you enjoy, because they’re not making money. This can ironically make you less productive. You’re burned out, but you feel lazy because you don’t want to work all of the time; but can’t justify fun… so you do nothing as a compromise. This reduces the quality of your life, which then fuels other negative addictions to fill the void. And, if you don’t take a break from working, then your body will do it for you.
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7. Comparing Yourself to Others and Should
When you compare yourself, you should all over yourself. “I should do this and be different,” or, “I shouldn’t have done that.” Shoulds leave you either feeling shame or resentment. If you force yourself to do what you think you should, then you sacrifice yourself, and so you feel resentment. But if you don’t do it, then you feel guilty, shame and regret. You can’t win.
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8. Limerence, One-Sided and Parasocial Relationships
You’re addicted to people who don’t care about you. You keep holding on to people whose behavior makes it clear they’re not interested in a mutually satisfying relationship (romantic or friendship). This can be celebrities, K-Pop idols, streamers, influences and/or a situationship you’ve put your life on hold for years waiting and hoping for it to become something more.
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You Didn’t Waste Your Life — There’s Still Hope

Robert Downey Jr.'s life was a disaster for years (alcohol and drug addiction, arrested, etc.) before he decided to turn it around (and iconically become Iron Man). His pain and experiences were fuel to become the actor and inspirational person that he is today. His quotes:

• “Remember that just because you hit the bottom doesn't mean you have to stay there.”
• “It’s easy to embrace hopelessness when things seem insurmountable. And yet, it’s actually just a matter of time until all of the elements come together for things to be alright. I mean, I believe that most difficult situations will resolve themselves if you are persistent and if you don’t give up entirely. And that’s what I never did; I never gave up.”

Although it may not seem like it right now, everything you have lived can be used to make you stronger, wiser, healthier and happier. Your potential has increased at least tenfold because of your “wasted” experiences. Think of it like you’re a rubber band on a slingshot; and the further back you stretched into the darkness, as you let go of limiting beliefs, you propel yourself forward that much farther into the light.
I can’t wait for you to begin seeing what you’re truly capable of in the months and years to come. When you finally stop beating up on yourself for the very past that will propel you into becoming the more compassionate, understanding, supportive, appreciative, creative, productive and fulfilled person that you want to be.
~ BFree
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Share your thoughts: What’s one step you’re going to do to let go of negative addictions and start allowing more empowering positive addictions?
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If I have any time off at all I will spend it in bed. I sleep whenever I can day or night, I eat in bed (gross I know, but also so comforting emotionally lol 🥲). At the minute I dont have a desk but my new house will. I’m trying really, really hard to achieve a fraction of functionality that most adults my age (25) have.
I know I also should get tested for my constant fatigue. I try to eat the right foods, I always eat salads and vegetables but not much protein. Some days I go overboard on carbs. Other days, alcohol. So it’s like one step forward, two steps back.
So what are some methods to avoid being in bed? I get tired quite easily, I like going on walks but by the time I’m back I’m tired so I’m … in bed. I also have been housesharing for years since I can’t afford rent on my own, and I get anxious about being in a room with housemates most of the time. I’ve become so accustomed to spending time in my room because it’s how I felt safe and coped during my childhood. But that skill is harming me now and it feels like moving mountains just grow out of it.

can someone give me the step by step process of how to apply to unimelb as an international student? because, i've been looking at their official website for hours and I'm still not sure im getting all the little details. could someone just give me like, everything needed or that you had to put in for the application? (if you could tell me the process for accommodation as well that'd be great) tell me all the details. even unnecessary ones. i dont mind how much i have to read through. cause im really worried i might miss something in my application and then ill miss the deadline by the time i get it. I wanna apply for B.des and im currently in my AS levels btw