I’ve just gotten back from a cruise, and at the bingo, the callout for number 16 was “sweet 16, never been kissed” to which the audience responds “awww” in a sad way.
Yeah, I know.
I know how it feels to see all your friends getting married, starting families, and all you want is a date.
I know how it feels to hear your colleagues go on “another” date and sleep with some random guy they just met on bumble, and then never see them again.
I know how it feels to know that you’re living in the country where people have the second highest number of average lifetime sexual partners (Australia, 13.3), and I, a 28 year old cis het white man, have never even hugged or held hands with a woman, let alone anything further.
I know how it feels to unironically cry yourself to sleep feeling so lonely you can barely breathe.
So please believe me random bingo caller; with every atom of my very being, I know.

I got this idea in my head for Casinobots. Casinos tend to make people sad when they lose money. So, I got this idea in my head. The cogs wear light green with dark green card suit patterns and their insignia is a slot machine
Rank 1 - Poker Dealer:
Poker Dealers shuffle and deal cards (amongst other things) during Poker. These Cogs have a Skinny build and a DownsizeBean Counter head mesh.
Rank 2 - Bingo Caller
Bingo Callers call random lettenumber combinations. The Bingo Caller has a fat build and a GladhandeMr. Hollywood/Yes Man/Robber Baron head mesh.
Rank 3 - Slot Attendant
Slot Attendants attend to slot machines. These Cogs have a muscular build and a Big Cheese head mesh.
Rank 4 - Pit Clerk
Pit clerks ensure the casino games run smoothly. This Cog has a fat build and a TelemarketeSpin Doctor head mesh.
Rank 5 - Craps Dealer
Craps dealers operates Craps tables. This Cog has a skinny build and a Micro Manager head mesh.
Rank 6 - Dealer
Dealers shuffle and deal cards and plays against the player to make sure they're playing fairly. This Cog has a skinny build and a Pencil Pusher head mesh.
Rank 7 - Casino Host
Casino hosts make people feel welcome at casinos. This Cog has a muscular build and a Two-Face/Double TalkeMingler head mesh.
Rank 8 - Casino Managers
These guys see day-to-day operations in casinos. This Cog has a muscular build and a GladhandeMr. Hollywood/Yes Man/Robber Baron head mesh.
Boss: Director of Slot Operations
Director of Slot Operations' job market is active with several casinos hiring. He is a boss Cog whose head looks like a slot machine.

I love my dog; he's an incredibly excitable border collie cross I brought home from an animal rescue centre about 2 years ago and we've been pretty inseparable since. Living alone, it was nice to have the company and it felt like I was doing my bit by rehoming an animal in need, we saved each other really, as it was hard not to feel isolated at times until he came into my life.
Monty and I lived on the outskirts of a rural town, so we didn't have regular visitors, and to be honest, I wasn't really a "social butterfly" so tended to keep to myself, with the exception of travelling to the local supermarket with Monty in tow to grab some household supplies.
I had family of course, but as you get older, you tend to lose touch with people and I was so used to my own company, until Monty came along, that I stopped reaching out and eventually, they stopped too. It's not like we fell out, I just wasn't the best at socialising, and we slowly drifted apart.
Like I said, me and Monty really did save each other as with him by my side, I felt like I had everything I needed to get by in life.
He did have one, slightly annoying quirk though, he absolutely loved to dig holes. They say that's the risk of getting a rescue though, as you don't know their background, you also don't know if they learned any unusual behaviours and whilst it wasn't too weird for a dog to dig holes, Monty was always digging at something in our garden whenever he was let out.
Two years in I'd gotten used to the routine though, let him out in the morning to do his business, fill the hole with a shovel I kept near the back door, get on with the rest of my day. He would usually manage to dig multiple times a day, so it had become a regular occurrence, and at least it helped him burn off some energy.
It wasn't until last week when things started to get a little weird...
Monday started off pretty normal, got up, let Monty out, filled the hole, logged on to my computer and did some work, let Monty out, filled another hole. I ate lunch, went back to work, finished at around six o'clock, had some food, let Monty out, filled a hole, scrolled mindlessly through social media before letting Monty out for his last toilet visit before bed. Filled another hole back up then settled down for sleep.
Tuesday was different, as when I got up to let Monty out, I noticed what looked like another hole at the back of the garden. I could have sworn I filled all the holes Monty had excavated yesterday but maybe I missed one...I shrugged it off and went to grab the shovel, my bleary eyes beginning to adjust to the early morning sun, and walked over to begin the daily ritual of filling in the hole. It was only when I got closer, I noticed how deep the hole actually was. I rubbed my eyes, encouraging them to focus as I glanced down at what appeared to be a hole around two feet wide, but looked to be at least six feet deep. I stared at Monty in disbelief, who stared back up with his usual mischievous face, tongue lolling out to the side of his mouth and tail wagging enthusiastically. If I didn't know better, I'd say he almost looked proud of his most recent creation.
I grabbed my phone and messaged my boss, letting her know I'd be logging on slightly later but would make up the time, grabbed my shovel, and went to work filling in Monty's most ambitious creation yet...
Work was slow, but I made up for the extra hour I lost to filling the hole back in. Monty had been particularly excitable throughout the day, so I let him out in the afternoon to burn off the energy and give me the chance to concentrate on my work. In hindsight, not my smartest move, as the menace started digging again and had a whole afternoon to work on his next masterpiece...
Four foot wide, eight foot deep. Honestly at this point, I was kind of impressed at his dedication, as it was very rare he dug up the same spot. Again, he watched, tail wagging, tongue flopped from his muddy mouth as I spent most of my evening shovelling the mud back into the small crater he made.
It was around nine o'clock when the exhaustion hit me, my stomach growled, and I realised I had been shovelling for so long I had completely missed a meal and missed feeding Monty. Oddly though, he didn't seem to be making a fuss about the lack of a meal, instead he was entranced by the progress I had made. There looked to be a few feet left to fill, but I was mentally done, and retreated inside to have a quick snack and feed Monty before collapsing into bed.
I awoke with a start at ten o'clock Wednesday morning. Although I had overslept, I still felt tired and sore from my unexpected workout the prior evening. Reaching for my phone I saw several missed calls from my Boss and messages asking why I hadn't logged on yet. I was too embarrassed to admit I overslept due to filling a hole my dog had made, and instead messaged back apologising repeatedly, whilst informing her I had come down with a nasty stomach bug and wouldn't be logging on. Satisfied with the deception, she wished me a speedy recovery and I put my phone back down, sighing with relief that I had evaded getting myself into any further trouble.
It was only after this I noticed Monty wasn't waiting by his bed or giving me a stern telling off for missing his breakfast…
Sixteen foot wide, twenty foot deep. I hadn't realised in my exhaustion from the previous night I had forgot to close the garden door, and Monty had obviously taken offence to me filling in his most recent work of art. I called out his name but received no response, a knot of unease started to form in my stomach as my mind began to run through the many fates that could have fell upon him. I went back inside and turned the house upside down, checking every possible nook and cranny he may have decided to hide in but to no avail. I went looking around the garden, checking the fenced border to see if there were any signs he had managed to dig himself an escape route into the forested area nearby, but there was no evidence of any attempt to escape.
The only conclusion I could make was he was in the hole. I had guessed about twenty foot deep, but I didn't actually climb in to verify as I had no real means to get myself back out if it turned out my assumption was wrong. I tried calling out his name, desperately attempting to keep my voice as neutral as possible to hide the anxiety bubbling under the surface, but there was nothing in return, no bark, no whimper, just silence as I stared down into the darkness below...
I did next what I thought was most logical at the time, I called for help. I dialled 911 and explained my unusual situation to the operator who was trying and failing to hide their amusement at such a strange request. They did however forward me to the local fire department who suggested I contact a construction firm nearby who could determine if the hole was safe to go down, save Monty, and then fill it back up.
I called the construction firm and explained everything, much to the bemusement of the person who took the call. They did say they could send a surveyor around in the afternoon to take a look and provide me with a quote. It was at this stage I realised that this wasn't going to be done out of generosity and regretfully asked how much such a service could cost, "Depending on how deep the hole is, and how long it takes to fill, it could cost a couple of thousand, but we will be able to give you a more accurate quote once the surveyor has inspected the area" My heart sank, I fortunately did have a bit of money set aside however, it was clear this would wipe out my savings and take a credit card with it, but I was determined to save my furry companion.
I agreed to the appointment and after the call messaged my boss to request some additional time off covering the rest of the week due to "family matters I needed to urgently resolve". I got the green light and did another round of searching the house for Monty before the surveyor was due to arrive.
The surveyors' van pulled up just after midday and a portly, middle-aged man dressed in a tight-fitting suit, with an even tighter hi-vis, emerged from the vehicle with a surprisingly sprightly step and a smile on his face "Good afternoon, my name’s Rick from MC Construction. I believe I've got you booked in to survey a sinkhole today?" I nodded, taken aback by his warmth, and stumbled over my words "And a dog. My dog. To see if you can rescue my dog. Monty" Rick nodded and quickly returned to his van, opening the door to grab a clipboard and pen. He riffled through some pages attached, and looked back up "Ah, ok yep, I see on the notes you believe your dog may have dug up the sinkhole?" I could see his expression change to one of curiosity, likely trying to figure out if I had a screw loose, but it quickly faded back to his warm demeanour when I nodded and told him the hole was out back.
He followed me into the house as we made our way to the garden, glancing with raised eyebrows at the chaos of strewn cushions and displaced shelving throughout the home. I realised at this point I had made no effort to tidy back up after my original search attempt for Monty and apologised for the mess, explaining I had been looking for my dog around the home before he arrived. He nodded understandingly, and we entered the garden making our way towards the hole.
Rick approached carefully, ironically something I had absent mindedly not even considered until this point, and peered down into the dark below, "And you said this is around twenty feet deep?" he appeared concerned as he looked over the edge into the darkness below "Feels like it may be a bit deeper than that but I have some tools in my van to do some testing" He turned on a pivot and headed back to his van whilst I stood staring down in the void below, my eyes unable to adjust to the darkness and a growing sense of discomfort beginning to swell within.
I was suddenly brought back to the present by Rick placing some stakes and tools on the ground nearby, making a clattering of metal clanging together "I'll need to do some measurements and confirm the sinkhole doesn't present any further risk to your property before we can commence any work, but it should only take me an hour or so, it may be worth you grabbing a coffee and some lunch" He smiled cheerfully as he started to organise his pile of tools, setting aside his clipboard, which I saw had an itemised list of tasks he needed to do. I offered Rick a drink and was met with a cheery decline, so left him to get on with things, whilst I went to tidy up the chaos I had left earlier.
A couple of hours passed, and after tidying up and getting some much-needed fuel in the form of coffee and a bagel, I went out to see how Rick was getting along. He was nowhere to be seen. His tools were still there, and some stakes had been stuck in the ground connected by hazard tape, so I went to check out front to see if he had simply gone back to his van to get something, but when I got there his van was still locked up on the drive.
It was like he had up and vanished, I called out his name and walked back to the garden but heard no response, a singular thought then jolted into my mind, what if he has fallen in? I ran back over to the hole and looked down, careful with my footing to not accidentally end up in there myself, and shouted down into the dark abyss, "RIIIIICCCKKKK?" nothing. No response, not even an echo, just resounding silence.
I frantically dialled the construction company and managed to stumble out the right words to convince them of the gravity of the situation. They calmed me down, and explained they would send two of their crew out with the necessary tools to investigate further and they would also ring Rick's personal and work number to see if they could reach him.
With the panic starting to subside, I went back inside and collapsed on the sofa, my mind racing with multiple possible explanations as to Rick’s fate, but my body drained from a cocktail of adrenaline and exhaustion from the day before.
I awoke abruptly a few hours later to banging against my front door "IS ANYONE IN THERE?!.... HELLLOOO?" I bolted from the sofa and answered the door to find two fully hi-vis clad men stood before me "Sorry for the shouting we were worried no one was home, we both work at MC Construction we've come to check if Rick is here?" I apologised for my delay to answering the door then relayed my interactions with Rick during the day's events.
"So, you last saw Rick setting up to work near the sinkhole?" one of the men asked whilst the other started writing down notes, I nodded in return "And you didn't see him physically go into the sinkhole?" I shook my head in response, my attention caught by the furious scribbling from his colleague.
"Ok, we'll bring some lighting equipment and some tools through and see if we can figure out what's going on" The man who I now assumed was the one in charge stated, "Hopefully he has just been distracted elsewhere, but worst-case scenario we'll have him out and safe soon enough".
The next few hours all went by in a bit of a blur, but the men got to work, hastily scurrying back and forth between their van and the sinkhole as daylight started to slowly ebb away in the sky. Large industrial lights on stands were setup and I could see both men starting to clamber into harnesses and other protective equipment, whilst I stood and watched from the kitchen window. At no point did they mention Monty, which at the time I could appreciate the focus would be on another human being versus a dog, but he was my best friend and I wanted to make sure I was around to remind them and Rick he also needed to be rescued.
I was snapped out of my train of thought by my phone ringing in the living room. I walked over to answer it and spotted it was my boss on the caller ID. She had approved my time off for the remainder of the week, so it was unusual for her to call, especially in the evening, so I answered in case it was an emergency.
It turns out she just wanted to check-in, as she was worried, I had gone from feeling sick to needing time off to sort out family issues, so she wanted to make sure I wasn't taking too much on. I wondered if there was any ulterior motive but reassured her things weren't too bad and I just needed a few days but should be back up and running next week. She wished me well and offered her support if I needed which I politely thanked her for and ended the call.
Heading back to the kitchen, I noticed the general hustle and bustle of activity in the garden had stopped and looked out the window to see the men had disappeared, but their tools were still on the floor, bathed in light from the portable lighting they had brought. My mind immediately jumped to the conclusion they had met the same fate as Rick, and I sprinted outside the door.
They were gone...nowhere...vanished...I checked their van...shouted out. Nothing…just silence. I tried to call the construction company but hit their out of hours voicemail service. I then decided to call emergency services again, but in the moment my panic induced mind failed me, and I fumbled my words, which confused the operator who asked for more info, but I didn't even know their names...
Feeling disheartened by my failed attempt to call for back-up but still determined, I decided to take matters into my own hands and walked over to the sinkhole. I grabbed one of the industrial lights and awkwardly moved the surprisingly weighty frame, so the light was facing down into the sinkhole to see if I could spot anything below.
Darkness…Pure…Pitch black…darkness...
The light just seemed to be absorbed by the hole, save for the walls but the bottom wasn't remotely visible. I strained my eyes, desperately trying to focus and cut through the darkness for what felt like an eternity, when I finally caught a small glimmer of light being reflected up from the depths.
It was then I remembered both the men and Rick had been wearing hi-vis clothing and scrambled back to the pile of tools. I found some rope and tied it to the best of my ability to one of the stakes Rick had put in the ground earlier, hoping it would be a suitable anchor. I grabbed a smaller portable light from the pile, tied it to the other end of the rope and switched it on. I leaned over the edge with rope in hand, light gently swaying back and forth, and started to slowly lower the rope into the hole.
Light bounced off the walls as the rope was lowered but it never appeared to reach the bottom of the hole. Eventually, I run out of length and carefully laid the rope down on the floor. Staring down at the portable light, now a small beacon flickering in the abyss, I could almost feel the void wanting to pull me in, my eyes and body drawn to the small light, like a moth to a flame.
I wrenched myself away from the edge and sat down near my makeshift anchor, my body shaking with adrenaline and mind rattled by how things had escalated so quickly in such a short space of time. As night fell across the sky, I ungracefully managed to move a couple more lights to blanket the opening of the hole in light, hoping Monty, Rick and the other two men could work their way back up to the light from the darkness below.
My eyelids grew heavy, but I was determined to stay focused on the opening, just in case the rope became taught, and I was needed to help pull anyone up. After a while, my body began to fail me, and I was overcome with tiredness and could no longer maintain my upright position. I lay on the ground facing the hole as my eyes started to close.
Sixteen-foot wide, unknown feet deep. I was startled awake by a rustling close by. Adrenaline surged into my body, and I was flooded with a range of emotions, anxiety, fear, hope. I looked towards the hole, my eyes adjusting to the brightness of the industrial lights against the pitch black and saw the source. A rabbit gently hopping through the tall grass near the perimeter of the hole. I remained silent and still, observing as the rabbit seemed to be drawn to the opening of the sinkhole. It slowly approached as if in a trance, but before I could make a sound to try and scare it away, it flopped to the side, and fell into the hole.
The next sounds I heard were a shrill high-pitched squeal, which sent a shiver down my spine, followed by a nauseating crunch. My heart wanted to leap out of my chest and every fibre of my being was telling something was wrong, but I felt compelled to see what had happened. As I stood, I felt the ground rumble beneath me, subtle at first, like small vibrations, but as I walked closer to the hole it felt stronger, more violent. Fear was rising through my body in anticipation of what could be awaiting me at the opening, but I also was clinging on to the hope the vibrations were the construction crew with Monty clambering up the walls of the hole.
When I reached the opening, I looked down into the darkness and could just about spot something in the hole passing by the dangling light, but before I see more detail the hole was suddenly plunged into darkness again. I turned towards the makeshift anchor and saw the rope had become taught around the stake, under strain from some force down below. I scrambled to the other industrial lights rotating them to shine on the rope to try and see who was climbing back up as the rumbling in the ground began to grow.
The longer I was staring into the darkness, the stronger the compulsion to go into hole felt. I could feel my body physically swaying as the unease and fear continued to hit me in waves. Despite this, I remained stood next to the rope ready to haul it up once I could see signs of life, I needed to be there for Monty as he was for me.
I began to see a larger shape moving in the darkness below and the hi-vis glimmered once again under the industrial lights. They were making their way back up! I called down to Rick and the crew but was met with a gurgling groan in response, the shadowy shape continued its ascent up the hole.
Once the light reached it, I retched. The shape, it wasn’t human, at least not anymore. It was an amalgamation of flesh and bone protruding from too many limbs. There were clumps of varying coloured fur, next to teeth and claws sticking out of its back, with exposed muscle and strands of sinews between its clawed limbs. There appeared to be scraps of hi-vis clothing and a tattered suit dangling from the many limbs and its face…It’s face was a horrid, fanged maw, with several rows of teeth and multiple mismatched eyes glistening with blood and saliva under the lights.
It clawed its way closer and the compulsion to join it in the pit overwhelmed me, my mind was shattered, my will was broken. I leaned forward, falling into the dark abyss, and as the creature reached out for me, I caught a glimpse of the object which reflected the light earlier, stuck in its side. A small metal tag engraved with one word… MONTY.
At least now we’ll be reunited…

Continuing…
I figured that if I could re-seat the pump head, I could tighten up the metal-to-metal seal, kill the fire and get it back in production in one fell swoop.
So, that was the plan.
I beat and bashed that flange with the 18 pound sledge and though there were some creditable chips flying, the seal remained just tantalizingly out of alignment.
I did have a load of necessary explosives, but with this job, cooler heads needed to prevail.
I did, instead, use a logging chain to connect the pump jack to the back bumper of my truck.
A few high speed runs, a lot of swearing and just a few more tappy-taps with the sledge.
Roughly an hour and a half later, the pump jack was seated, sealed and back in production.
After resetting them, I ran some barbed-wire around the four posts that the mower had also knocked down. San Juan Gas Well 12-78B was well and good back in production.
Funny. I said it took me about an hour, plus or minus, and I showed up at the County Fairgrounds just 2 hours after I left the house; but I’d still be billing all concerned for 12 hours plus parts.
I don’t kid around when I say that emergencies get triple billed.
Plus, it looked like it might rain.
Somewhere in the county.
So, they get billed for inclement weather service.
After the call for Es’ car insurance, I’m going to have to hire the county mower dude to knock over a few wells a month just to pay her premiums…
Anyways.
Back at the fairgrounds and I’m shocked and amazed to see what the crew has done in my absence.
The place looks like it’s ready to go...the ballpark has been repainted, renovated and brought into the 21st century. The parking areas were freshly bladed and painted. The Porta-San farm was off to one side and gleaming. The beer garden, ticket booths, first aid station, everything done according to plan.
I was very wary. Certainly things like this are unable to go on without at least one major fuck-up.
But, no!
So, we got to the point of the pre-opening day dry-run.
There’s an enormous amount of work yet to do: basically, there’s games, food court, baseball diamond and park, bingo field, Porto-san farm, beer garden, parking lots, entrance gate, ticket takers and hand stampers, ticket sales, first aid, shuttle busses, security, and carnival rides.
Some of this is sub-let out, such as the carnival rides, food court and loo farm, but the rest are our creations and needed manning for the two days we’ll be open. Plus, there was one additional ride that no one would have guessed. That appears tomorrow just as the park opens.
Anyways, in the main office, I call a general meeting and we begin to, for the lack of a better term, ‘storyboard’ the park, timings and operations.
Tickets are a dollar, US currency only. We get loads of Mexican pesos and even a few Canadian loonies and toonies, but I have no desire to worry about international exchange rates. We determine that all attractions will run in ‘whole dollar’ units; i.e., a beer will be USD$2/16 oz. Games are set by the owner, but usually ‘x attempts/dollar’. Entrance fees will be set at children 0-4: free, 5-13: $1, 14-18: $2, adults: $3. Must have hand stamped to return. It’s free and multiple-entry, but will change daily.
The entrance to the ball games is free. Food, beverages and such prices are determined by the vendor.
You get the general idea. I’ll not describe every activity/cost, but I’m sure you all have been to a county or state fair and that’s the general model we chose to follow.
Inside the cyclone fence, we’re not longer a democracy, but a dictatorship. What we say, goes. We have the rules of the house printed up on 4’ x 8’ plywood sheets and distributed around the park in strategic areas; particularly at the front gate. Nothing too onerous, other than if you displease us, we have the authority to toss you out of the park, ban you, trespass you, forbid your re-entry or hold you for the local constabulary.
In other words, have fun, but we don’t suffer fools lightly.
Also, no firearms. This state is concealed carry, but we’ve checked with the local law dogs and we can forbid them. I’m still toting a 10mm, but I write the rules, so you know how that goes.
Just in case.
Also, no fireworks, explosives or other detonating/deflagrating nasties. I’m the only one licensed for these items, so just take a load off, have a beer or five and let us do the heavy lifting.
It was a late night when I wearily plopped into the Jacuzzi that night before the grand opening. We’d been so busy building the park and tending to minutiae, that we never supposed it wouldn’t fly.
“What if the place is a bust?” I worried worriedly.
The Keeper reminded me that “Wrong thinking is punishable; right thinking will be as quickly rewarded.”
“Enough with the negative waves, Moriarty.”, I snuffed as Khan unceremoniously capsized me with an over-enthusiastic greeting.
Finally, it was D-Day. I kissed Es goodbye and ignored her protestations that it wasn’t even dawn yet. I made certain I had enough cigars, a change of clothes and my super-secret shoulder holster for my 10mm.
I needed to get to the location early as there was still a bit of dozer work I wanted to finish before the gates opened at 1000.
But first, stop for a thermos of coffee at the local cafe, and well, those Danish look really nice. Just one won’t hurt, I lied to myself.
I was at the park first light and pleased to see more than half the crew (and their families) had arrived. Yes, free park doings for all park employees. Since we’re only open 2 days, one-half worked opening, the other half was slated for closing. However, families were welcome on both days, free admittance.
I mean, hey, we’re not savages.
A couple of the baseball teams had already arrived and were being bussed to their respective arena areas. We had a parking area set aside just for their busses and such, but it was a ways away, so we had shuttle busses laid on just for them.
I liked the modular aspect of the park: the baseball pitch was more or less self-contained with immediate access to the rest of the park. All the food trucks were in the food court, all the merchants were set-up in Merchant’s Alley, a name they chose themselves. The Porto-san farm was off on one side and proved to be placed in the proper orientation for the local winds. The Beer Garden was the first thing you saw once past the entrance gate. 6 lines, little waiting, as 4 were for beer and 2 were for soft drinks. Behind the Beer Garden was Security and First Aid.
Ah, First Aid.
Thanks to a little conniving, cunning and cuteness, we had one of the local hospital’s Medi-Vac helicopters parked just behind and a hundred meters away from our First-Aid station.
I did a couple of demolition jobs for the Chairman of the hospital and he was more than pleased to be strong-armed into loaning out one of his helicopters.
It was good advertising and could prove to be a life saver.
They also had 4 others that were in service to cover our tri-county area so this one wouldn’t be missed unless it was a full-on exchange. So, I think we’ll be OK for a couple of days.
Besides, I could fly the thing in a pinch.
Anyways, we had our early morning meetings and rode around in the golf cart that someone had appropriated from the local links to check in with the merchants, food court operators and others up and working at this ridiculous hour.
Unbelievable as it seems, things were actually humming along in sync and there were no major disasters. I decided to get my dozer work completed before the crowds appeared so I nipped off to the northern edge of the park.
1000 rolled around and I looked to see the car park better than one-third full. Most all workers and sub-contractors parked in the facility lot to the south so that meant that there were actual people things arriving to partake of our little scheme.
No one was more amazed than me.
Many were there for the baseball matches, but many we also strolling around, partaking of the beer garden, the food courts and games of skill much like any other fair. Later that afternoon, there was to be a battle of the bands for local performers which should draw even larger crowds. These would take over the baseball diamond once the games were complete.
We were going to run 3 Bingo games that day. One at 1300 hours, one at 1500 hours and them the big one at 1800 hours. We had no idea how long each game would take, but we figured a couple of hours each. The first two games were conventional Bingo (fill out the word Bingo with your card numbers; first one wins the game). The last, and biggest purse, was “full card”. First full card wins. Depending on the gate take, the prize for that game was 3 times the first two.
Many people were interested in the Burnt Bowling Ball Bingo games and were buying up Bingo cards at the rate of knots. Since I was going to be the Bingo shooter, I enlisted Parker to be the game’s Master of Ceremonies. He was a closet ham and once I shoved a cordless microphone into his hands, he was a natural born Bingo caller.
I was farting around on the dozer, trying to clear a recalcitrant patch of aspens when a couple of kids stood by the cyclone fence and were shouting at me.
“Whaddya want?” I yelled back.
“How much for dozer rides?” one of the rangier kids asked.
“Not a ride.”, I said, “I’m actually doing real work here.”
“Aw, man!”, on of the kids objected, “I always wanted to see what it was like to ride a bulldozer.”
A light bulb went off inside my skull.
“You kids got tickets?” I asked.
“Oh, yeah!”, they shouted in unison and held up long links of tickets in today’s crimson color.
“Just wait a few minutes”, I said to them as I throttled the old dozer down.
Within 15 minutes, we had a gate installed in the cyclone fence, an enclosed table and ticket-taker’s area right out front and a sign with still wet-letters reading: “Dozer Rides: 5 tickets.”
Hell, I don’t mind if the little fart rides shotgun while I tend to some light landscaping. I can even let them run some of the controls for an extra thrill.
And that’s how Dozer Rides became one of the most popular rides at the fair. I’m seriously thinking that we get a hold of some old construction equipment, like a backhoe, wheel loader, walking cat, and such; find an acre or seven that needs a bit of work and charge folks a set price per hour to go out and play with the heavy equipment.
I’d bet that would be a money-making machine. Then I thought of liability and injury laws.
Nah. I’ll stick to detonics and demolition.
“$20 to set and detonate a stick of dynamite. Nitro Extra.”
Anyways.
It was about noon as I sipped a cold local libation and walked around the fairgrounds. One baseball game had concluded (the home team lost) and another was gearing up. The food court was bustling and the merchants, of everything from CDB oil to rain gutters, were doing a brisk business.
“Hellfire and dalmatians”, I thought to myself, “It looks like this is actually going to work.”
The crowd ranged from kids in strollers to geriatrics in their Electroscoots. Everyone seemed to be having a good time, and with the Rig Pig’s security presence, there was not a note of dissension to be heard. Everyone behaved themselves and was having a good time.
One o’clock rolled around and we began the first bingo game. B-6 was the first number to be called and Parker was having a good time hamming it up as he called the numbers, I was taking in a good amount of currency when people thought they could aim better them me, and the ball hustlers out in the field learned quickly to avoid incoming balls and yet were right on top when the ball impacted.
The first game lasted about an hour and a half. The purse for the first game was $750, and the little old lady that won was over the moon when we confirmed her card was indeed the winner.
Another half hour, and game 2 of the day would begin. The purse here was $1,250. We almost ran out of Bingo cards, but Father Rivera of the local Catholic Church helped us out by ‘loaning’ us 5 gross more. I was on the phone with the printers ordering a rush job for tomorrow of another 10 gross.
The printers both hated and loved us.
The crowds waxed and waned and before the third game of the day (The BIG Game), but about 1730, the lost were filling rapidly and the shuttle busses making runs every 10 minutes.
The purse for the day’s last game, based on our take for the day overall and my donation of all Dozer Ride funds, was $7,500.
That ain’t chicken feed and it was even broadcast over the local radio. Suddenly, we went from sparsely populated to fucking inundated.
The game kicked off precisely at 1800 hours. I was having a grand old time, really getting into the spirit of the event. Parker was getting very happy being so close to the Beer Garden and was really a natural-born comedian and game caller. He stuck in some local stories, that if the Beer Garden hadn’t been open so long probably would have resulted in fisticuffs.
But, it was all in good fun.
And the bloody game took almost 3 hours. I looked like an 18th century chimney sweep and Parker had almost gone hoarse. Finally, someone filled the card, had it verified and was awarded the comically huge check.
Come 2145, it was time for the evening’s fireworks finale.
“When the fireworks are done, you don’t have to go home, but you can’t stay here.”
“Beer Garden open for another 10 minutes, after that, it’s closed for the evening.”
We had a Mayan-style pyramid of empty beer barrels out back of the Beer Garden. Their shiny silver skins reflected the fireworks grandly. Got to hand it to the Mexican pyrotechnicians, they made great fireworks. Not a single misfire or dud and the last one, a horribly expensive 18” shell, was everything they said it would be, and more.
Triggering every car alarm in the parking lot just seemed like the perfect end to a long, though fun and profitable, day.
Plus, the best part?
I get to do it all over again tomorrow.
I’m old and tired. I got in my truck and headed home. I’m going to try this “diversify and delegate” business. Let someone else handle what needs to be done tonight.
Garbage detail.
Beer delivery and empties return.
Food service.
Economics. Profit and loss. Tallies.
Security.
ad infinitum.
I kissed Khan goodnight, mussed Es’ hair and collapsed into a well deserved coma. I had the strangest dreams that something just wasn’t quite right…
Up with the chickens the next day and I decided I might as well just wear what I wore yesterday. I was going to smell like a diesel mechanic and pyrotechnics operator again anyways.
After an impromptu shower and a new set of duds, thanks to Es’ insistence, I pulled out the first cigar of the day and lit it while traveling to the fairgrounds.
Deja vu all over again.
I parked my truck and wandered over to the office. Security buzzed me in and relieved me of a few of my nicer cigars.
Parker greeted me with a fresh coffee, an ashtray and a huge smile.
“OK”, I said between sips of Kona’s best, “What’s the secret?”
“Well”, he grinned, “Even with paying off everyone, we still cleared enough to finalize the bowling alley”.
“Even after our charitable contributions?” I asked.
“Oh, yeah”, he smiled. “Today’s gonna be lagniappe”.
“Does that include payment to your silent partner?” I asked.
He handed me a green tally book.
“Damn.” I said slowly, looking at the numbers. “Even with over $10k in prize money, we still made enough…”
“Yep”, Parker beamed. “’Bowling Ball Bingo’. Sheesh. Who would have thought…?”
“And the Beer Garden’s just opened.”, I smiled, “C’mon, I’ll buy you some liquid breakfast.”
We had several, as the morning was still young and we deserved it.
I had the guys take over the Dozer Ride, and they had a great time building fortresses out of old timber and river cobbles. They had better times destroying them, especially to the whoops and hollers of the kids riding with them.
I spent an hour or so getting the fireworks set for the opening and closing ceremonies. It was Sunday, so I waited until 1030 before setting off the official “We’re open for business” volleys.
However, today was quiet. It was dead compared to the previous day.
Parker began to fret. “What if everyone came yesterday and no one shows today?”
I stood by, lit a cigar, and pondered.
Then Hector and Zach wandered up.
“Senor”, Hector said, “What is today?”
“Sunday”, Parker and I replied.
“And what do many people do on a Sunday morning?” He asked.
“Recover from a hangover?” I offered.
“Get the wife to… ah, make breakfast?”, Parker added.
Hector and Zach just closed their eyes and shook their heads.
“How about ‘Go to church’?” they both asked in unison.
“Of course”, we said. “How could we forget?”
“Enjoy the quiet”, Zach said, “Because when services are over, I’ll bet you a Benjamin there’s going to be traffic jams in the parking lot and a rush on the gate.”
“What makes you think so?” I asked.
“The prize for the final Bingo game got leaked.”, Hector said, “These people would walk over you for $20k.”
“How did this get leaked?” I was going to ask, but didn’t.
“Um”, I said, thinking out loud, “Man your battle stations. It’s going to get messy around here in an hour or so…”
The battle I lines were drawn and everyone was at their post one and one half hours later.
The two nearest lots filled within 30 minutes. The two auxiliary lots took the overflow, but threatened to burst. Luckily, the shuttle busses were operating in fine form.
“Looks like I owe Zach a hundred”, I said to no one in particular.
Parker grinned like the cat that had eaten the canary. “You’ll never miss it after today.”
The first game, with a purse of $1,000, went off without a hitch.
The second game of the day, worth $2k, went off fine. We had to call in breweries from southern Colorado as we had basically drank this part of the Southwest dry over the last couple of days.
Food trucks were coming dangerously close to running out of food. The gamesters of the fairway were getting down to their bottom of the barrel prizes. I finally shut down the Dozer Ride as the old girl needed a well deserved rest.
Then it was time for the announcement.
“Full Card Bingo will commence in 15 minutes. First prize: $20,000. Card sales end in 10 minutes.”
People bought cards like they were dinner portions on Jakoo. Some had over 100 cards each, which proved to be a logistical nightmare if there was even a slight breeze. But, buy them they did and we finally ran out of cards only 5 minutes before we closed down sales.
I had the full team helping me on this last game. We’d rotate running and calling with loading and firing. It proved to be a long night, well until 2145 before we had someone call “BINGO!”.
They didn’t have the full card, and were freaking out when Security arrived and calmed them. We once again explained the rules and if everyone still agreed, we’d continue.
We did. They did and we had another potential winner after only 3 more shots.
This time, the card was correct.
Never before was there more whoops, hollers and groans then when Parker announced that we had a big winner.
The winner’s grin was only matched by the size of the comically outsized award check.
The band struck up a spiffy little number and there was one final rush on the Beer Garden. Luckily, I had foreseen this eventuality and sent the guys, in secret, to procure us a few of the locally brewed fermented malt beverages before all the hoo-ha.
There were toasts and draughts, as I let my minions run the fireworks finale for the evening. I was right on deck if something went awry, but I’d tested and galved the set-up several times so I knew nothing would go haywire.
A sincere thank you to all that made it this far, and the final firework of the night zoomed skyward.
Sure, it cost around US$2,500, but it was one of the loudest and most amazing thrice-color changing, lightning bolt and bloom fireworks I’ve ever seen.
The applause by the remaining crowd indicated they appreciated it as well.
And then, it was done.
I did my needful, said goodnight to all and remembered to tell everyone to be at the post-show meeting tomorrow morning, around 1100.
We were all pooped and needed some time to recuperate.
The next day, everyone assembled as per orders.
Parker was grinning in that most disconcerting manner of his. Either it was good news or he had set a new record for homicide. It was hard to tell which.
First off, thanks to everyone and disbursement of the employment checks, all with healthy bonuses.
Then, there was the matter of disbursal of funds to various charities. Healthy disbursal.
Finally, an overall profits and loss announcement.
We’d made enough to cover all investors, with a nice little 5.5% addition. All vendors and participants had been collected or disbursed. The new bowling alley was totally funded, even with a 10% slop JIC (just in case).
We were also slated for the local news as both TV and newspaper wanted interviews.
Parker handled that. I passed as I needed to load up the dozer and figure out what to do with four bowling ball cannons.
I was able to home the cannons in the yard of National Oilfield Services, as they owed me. The dozer is back in it’s shed at home, and I am watching the sun set as Es, Khan and I relax in the hot tub.
“So”, Es started, “You call this retirement? I have seen you for more than 10 minutes at a stretch for weeks.”
“Very true, m’dear”, I replied, “But it was all for good causes”.
“Yes, I agree”, she said, “But you can’t continue like this. You even found time to knock out a well fire that I didn’t even hear about until it was over and done.”
“Guilty as charged”, I said, “But, I am slowing it down. I can’t just stop and whang it into reverse.”
“But you are going to take some time off”, Es demanded, “I insist.”
“OK”, I replied and handed here an envelope.
“What’s this?” she asked.
“Your cut”, I replied.
In the envelope were two tickets for First Class state rooms aboard the Viking cruise line for the “Grand European Sojourn”, 18 days down the Danube River. Something Es has always wanted to do.
“And the dates are open. Just choose when and we’ll go”. I noted.
I haven’t heard such a school-girly “Squee!” in decades.
Little did I realize that I now needed a tux and Es needed a new travel wardrobe.
All this and I get to wear a penguin suit.
Life, I swear, sometimes….

Long time listener, first time caller situation. I have been developing a prototype with a relatively small led strip (50cm/20") just wondering if a pcb could control the led strip to produce a light sequence? What components would I need and how to program/wire it. Don't know if any of this makes sense or is possible. Open to ways to make this work. It's for a small portable device so small, cheap, easy to produce and simple would be ideal. Thanks

Kal hi Pratapgath mein show karne ka plan bana tha. Ek hafte mein mujhe mera samaan wahan shift karwana hai. Mujhe truck ka kaam karte huye sirf 7 mahine huye hain. Main ek truck driver hoon. Meri truck mein ek portable theatre ka samaan rehta hai aur main sheher, gaon jaake logon ki meri truck ke peeche portable theatre mein movie dikhata hoon. Sirf 30 rupey per ticket mein. Aaj hi ki baat hai, raat ke kareeb 9-10 baje honge aur aaj ka aakhri show khatam ho gaya. Sare gaon vale movie dekh kar apne apne Ghar jaane lage. Maine fir threater ka saman vapis truck mein rakhna shuru Kia. Pehle Maine sari chairs ko ek sath kar ke andar rakh dia. Fir maine projector bhi andar rakh dia. Ab tak raat ke 12:00 baj gaye honge. Aaj mere sath kaam mein madad karne ke liye helper bhi nahi tha. Usey sheher jaana pad Gaya tha. Maine jaldi jaldi apna saman andar rakha aur truck mein jaake baith gaya. Hotel Kam se kam 25 kilometre door tha aur mujhe laga ki raat ke is waqt gaon vale ilake mein truck chalana thik nahi hoga. Main bhi thak Gaya tha. Mere phone par ek notification aayi. Phone bahar nikala toh mere helper ka message tha. Message mein ye likha tha ki "Bhaiya meri naukri sheher ke meat house mein lag gayi hai, achi salary dete hain aur sirf hafte ke 4 din kaam karta padta hai, aap bolo toh aapki bhi baat karun unse" Mujhe uska message dekh ke ajeeb laga. Mera helper mujhse ye bolkar gaya tha ki use kuch kaam hai. Woh dusri naukri karne lagega Maine ye nahi socha tha. Khair. Mera koi mann nahi tha us sheher ki naukri ko karne ka. Firbhi, Maine aisehi usse puch lia ki salary kitni denge. Maine message send kar dia aur wait karne laga. 10 minute baad uska message aya. "10 hazaar per shift ka".
Yeh dekh kar meri aakhein khuli reh gayi. Main is truck ke sath gaon gaon mein show karke mahine ka sirf 15 hazaar kama pata tha. Wahan sheher ki naukri mein mujhe mahine ke 30 hazaar araam se mil jayenge. Thoda sochne ke baad maine helper ko message Kia aur bola "haan tum meri bhi baat karlo apne boss se" Usne "ok" bola. Maine dekha raat ke 1 baj gaye honge abtak. Mere andar ek ajeeb si urja aa rahi thi. Maine phone truck ke charging port pe laga dia aur sone lag gaya. Gaon mein kaafi sannata tha. Meri truck bhi gaon ke bahari area mein khadi thi. Mujhe sote huye ajeeb sa lag raha tha. Aisa lag raha tha ki koi dekh raha hai. Achanak mera phone Baja aur mera dil dhadakne laga phone ki awaz se. Maine phone dekha aur helper ke 3 message the. Is samay ab kyun message karega woh mujhe. Usne likha tha ki "boss aapka interview Lena chahte hain, abhi ajao". Aur teesre message mein ek location mili thi Jo yahan se kareeb 50 kilometre door hogi. Mujhe ajeeb laga. Bhala koi insan is waqt kyun interview lega. Maine helper ko message karke poocha ki is samay kyun Lena hai interview. Usne mujhe reply nahin dia. Yahan truck mein baithe baithe main mere hantho se chutki Baja Raha tha. Achanak se message aya aur mera phone Baja. Helper ma message tha. Usne likha tha ki "boss ko kal subah hi ek aadmi urgently chahiye"
Mujhe shak hua. Lekin paiso ki zarurat thi. Isiliye Maine use message bhej dia ki main aa raha hoon. Usney ok bheja.
Fir maine phone ke map par woh location daal di aur mujhe woh location nahi mili. Maine kayi baar search karne ki koshish ki lekin app mein "location not found" batata tha. Is baar Maine woh location directly nahi dali lekin uske pass ke ek restaurant ki location Dali. Is baar lag gayi. Woh jagah gaon se 3 ghante door hogi. Pahuchte pahuchte 4 baj jaate. Maine phone ko holder mein laga dia aur truck start ki aur chalane lag gaya. Gaon bohot hi chota tha aur main us gaon ki boundary ke bahar aa chuka tha. Samne chota sa post office tha. Maine truck roki kyuki mujhe pani ki zarurat thi. Ab tak main 25 kilometre door aa chuka tha aur 2:13 baj rahe the. Maine meri bottle mein paani bhara aur truck mein baith gaya. Post office band tha lekin use bagal mein ek water cooler tha. Khair maine truck start ki firse chalane ki koshish ki. Ajeeb sa lag raha tha shaam se. So bhi nahin paya. Truck chalate chalate neend aa rahi thi aur darr tha ki truck ka accident ho jayega. Maine mere muh pe pani mara aur firse driving shuru ki. Ab kareeb 3:20 baj rahe honge. Woh jagah mushkil se 7 kilometres door hogi. Yeh gaon bohot akela aur sunsaan lag raha tha. Sirf ek do Ghar the aur aage kuch dukaane. Ab woh jagah 4 kilometres door thi. Mera phone bhi off ho chuka tha. Main kisi tarah board padhke us office pahuch Gaya. Bahar se woh building office jaisi nahin lag rahi thi. Ek Ghar tha do manzil ka. Uske bahar 'meat depot' ka board laga tha. Mujhe interview Dene mein sirf 20 minute lage honge. Interview bohot ajeeb tha. Unhone aise sawal puche jaise kya tumne apni gaadi ko kabhi road pe akela chorha hai, kya tumne andhere se dar lagta hai? Kya tum dharm mein mante ho?. Aise sawal mujhe bahut ajeeb Lage. In sawalo ka meri truck shift se kya lena dena tha. Maine sabhi sawalo ka jawab ache se dia. Mujhe on the spot select kar lia tha. Mera kaam tha gaon mein meat products ko transport karna. Aur kisi wajah se yeh kaam sirf raat ko ho sakta hai aur mujhe gaon tak meat leke subah ke pehle pohochna tha. Mujhe paiso se matlab tha toh maine zyada kuch nahi socha.
Meri pehli shift raat ke 4 baje ki thi. Mujhe call par ek receptionist ne sab samjha dia ki mujhe kaunsa route Lena hai aur kaunse highway se Jana hai. Fir us receptionist ne mujhe ek voice note bheja aur bola ki shift pe jaane ke pehle ise sun Lena. Raat ko drive karne ke basic rules hain.
Maine use shukriya bola aur driving shuru ki. Main us purani road par pahuch Gaya Jiske bare me receptionist ne bataya tha. Road par aa kar maine uska voice note khola. Usme ye likha tha.
Hey driver! Welcome to our company. Tum ek experienced driver ho fir bhi ye kuch rules hain jo raat ko drive karne ke waqt tumhe follow karne padenge. Hamari company ki ek strict rule policy hai. Main sare rules tumne ek message mein bhej deta hoon. Ache se padh lena. Goodluck.
Yeh message thik nahi laga mujhe. Bhala driving karne ke liye kaunse rules lagte hain? Khair maine uska message khola. Usme yeh likha tha. - Apni high beam lights ko on rakhha aur on rakh ke hi truck chalana kyuki road par bohot andhera hota hai. Tumne kabhi kabhi Aisa lagega ki headlight on hone ke baad bhi bohot andhera hai lekin us baat se parshan mat hona. Gaadi chalate jana.
-Pehle 10 kilometre cover karne ke baad tumhe ek "dead end" ka sign dikhega. Uspae dhyan mat Dena aur truck chalate jaana. Agar tumhari lights flicker karna shuru kar de toh gaadi tez chalana aur tab tak chalana jab tak flickering na ruk jaaye.
-Thodi der truck chalane ke baad kareeb 4:20 pe tumhe road par ek aadmi milega. Yaad se apni gadi rokna aur usse poochna ki use Kahan jaana hai. Agar woh "nearest town" bole toh use andar baitha lena. Agar woh kuch aur bole toh chalate jaana, rukna mat aur prathna karna ki woh tumhare peeche na aaye.
-Agar tumne us aadmi ko andar aane dia, toh woh kareeb ek ghante ke liye chup rahega. Fir woh tumse bolega ki uska stop aa gaya hai. Tum use bina kuch soche utar Dena. Aur jaise hi woh utar jaaye, gaadi chalana shuru kardena aur use raat ke andhere mein chalte huye mat dekhna.
-Abtak tumne 25 kilometres cover kar liye honge. Agar 25 kilometre ke baad tumhe truck ke peeche se thokne ya rone ki awaaz aane lage toh uspar dhyan mat Dena. Yeh awaz jaldi band ho jayegi agar tum ek consistent speed par truck chalaoge.
-30th kilometer par pahuchne ke pehle apna radio band kar dena. Agar woh abhi Tak chal raha tha toh yaad se band kar dena. Sirf volume dheemi karne se kuch nahin hoga.
-Jaise hi tum 35 kilometre cover karoge. Tumhara radio achanak se on ho jayega aur woh highest volume par hoga. Yahan dhyan dena. Agar koi gana start hota hai toh use band kar dena. Lekin agar tumne sirf static sunai deti hai toh turant apni truck aur engine ki band karke seat pe let Jana aur apni aakhein band kar lena.
-Hilne ki koshish mat karna aur aakhein band rakhna. Tumhe truck ke upar aur windshield par tapping sunai degi lekin udhar mat dekhna. Shayad woh tumhari truck ke andar aa jaye lekin tum hilna mat. Jo bhi hai, thodi der mein chala jayega.
-Jab awaz aana band ho jaye tab tum apni aakhein khol sakte ho. Dheere se aankh khol kar driver seat par dekhna. Agar uspar dhua hoga toh ek aur minute wait karna fir truck ko start kar lena.
-50 kilometre paar karne ke baad tumhari truck ke sath sath kuch chaar pairo par bhagna shuru kardega. Tum jitna tez gadi chala lo, firbhi woh sath bhagta rahega. It is advised ki tum atleast 60mph ki speed maintain Karo. Road par dhyan rakhna. Aage ek curve aayega aur us curve ke baad woh chala jayega.
-Agar us curve ke baad bhi woh tumhara peecha kar raha hai, toh prathna karna ki agle curve par woh chala jaye. Tumhare pass sirf 3 curves hain. Dhyan rakhna.
-70 kilometre ko paar karne ke baad tumhari truck achanak se band ho jayegi. Shant rehna aur engine on karne ki koshish karna. Apne rearview mirror mein mat dekhna. Woh log tumhari taraf aa rahe honge. Dhyan mat Dena. Jaise hi gadi shuru ho jaye vahan se nikal jaana.
-80 kilometre ke milestone ke baad truck mein ajeeb si garmi ho jayegi. Ac kisi kaam ka nahin. Apni jacket utaar Lena. Lekin jo bhi ho jaye, khidki mat kholna.
-Sone kosish mat karna. Woh road seedhi jaati hai lekin agar tumne aankhein band karne ki koshish ki toh tum dekhoge ki tumhari truck ek khai ke neeche jaa rahi hai.

• Kareeb 10 minute baad tumhe ek ped ke neeche chaar kaale pathhar dikhenge. Agar un pattharo par laal sindoor ho toh gaadi chalate rehta. Agar tumne dekhna ki pathhar par sindoor nahin hai.

-Agar bathroom Jana pad jaaye toh truck ki beam light mein reh kar hi karna aur gaadi se door mat jana.
-Agar bahar nikalte waqt tumhe truck ke peeche koi dikhe, toh uska peecha karne ki koshish mat karna. Woh tumhe truck ke aas paas ghuma ke tumhara time barbad karega. Woh chahta hai tum bahar raho. Aisa mat hone dena.
-Agar truck ke bahar bathroom ke dauraan tumne side se chillane ki awaz aaye toh chahe jo ho jaye sab kuch chorh ke truck ke andar bhagna aur truck vahan se nikaal Lena.
-Mileage ke bawajood, thodi der baad tumhara phone bajna shuru hoga. No matter who is calling you, don't pick it up. Caller koi bhi ho sakta hai, main bhi. Woh caller tumhe message karne ke pehle teen baar call karega. Please woh call mat uthana. Agar 3 baar uski call miss kar doge toh woh tumhe ek message bhejega, use mat kholna.
-110 kilometre ke baad tumhe dusri trucks ki headlight tumhari taraf aati dikhegi. Agar aisa ho toh apne truck ki lights aur engine band karke un trucks ke jaane ka weight karna. Repeat this step for ahy other vehicle you see.
-Apne rearview mirror par dhyan dena. Agar koi bhi truck turn lekar tumhare peeche aati dikhe toh apni gaadi ki speed badha Lena aur jald se jald wahan se nikalna. Prarthna karna ki tum unse tez ho.
-120 kilometre par tumhe ek "speed limit 20mph" ka sign dikhega. Apni truck utne hi dheere chalana kyuki zyada sound aisi cheezon ko attract kar sakta hai jinse tum milna nahin chahte. Thodi der baad NH 19 road par ek aur sign dikhega aur wahan se tum apni speed normal kar sakte ho
-130 kilometre par tumhe road ke side pe khadi ek aurat dikhegi, woh lift maang rahi hogi. Jo bhi ho jaye please use lift mat Dena aur apni gaadi dheemi mat karna. Jab tum us aurat ko pass kar jao toh apne rearview mirror me dekhna. Agar woh abhi bhi road par hi hai toh tum safe ho. Agar woh road par na dikhe toh gaadi seedhi chalana aur bhool kar bhi apni passenger seat par mat dekhna, bhale koi Naa ho udhar.
-140 kilometre paar karne ke baad tum mirzapur district mein pahuch jaoge. Yahan se tumhari journey clear hai.
-Chahe jo bhi ho jaye, journey ke kisi bhi point par apni truck turn karke wapis drive karne ki koshish mat karna. Aisa karne se tum ek loop mein phas jaoge aur tabtak drive karte reh jaoge jabtak tumhara petrol na khatam ho jaye. Agar petrol khatam hota hai toh tumhara sahara koi nahin.
-Mirzapur district pahuchne ke pehle apna gps use karne ki koshish mat karna. Agar tum Aisa karte ho toh gps tumhe ek purani road par le jayega jiska koi ant nahin hoga.
Goodluck. Regards.
No cherry.

I think this post should help a lot of people for different purposes, so I decided to write up all my own notes for others to use. Mods, please pin this for everyone if you do not mind.

WARNINGS:

- Keeping your device plugged in for extended periods of time may pose a battery hazard. (i.e swelling, leaking, explosions, catching fire) If the device can be operated without the battery, I highly recommend removing it.
- If your phone has OLED, displaying the same image for extended periods of time will cause burn-in. If you can, either configure an app to change what is displayed occasionally.
- Disabling apps to improve performance or reduce functions may break certain Android features, so be careful. That being said, if you don't need to install apps via GPlay, I highly recommend disabling both GPlay Store and GPlay services, as it will drastically affect your device.

What can I do with my device?

First, the textual monolith. This is a revised version of this post, with more added by yours truly.

• Backup Phone
• Work / Secondary Phone
• Travel / Emergency Phone (Esp. if it's still okay for use)
• Dedicated Camera (Esp. for devices with high-resolution cameras / multiple lenses)
• Dedicated Media Device (Esp. for devices with high-quality DACs or lots of media support, such as Sony Xperias)
• Dedicated Gaming Device (Esp. for devices with high-performance specs)
• Dedicated eReader (Esp. for devices with large screens / high DPI)
• Dedicated GPS (Esp. for devices with fully-integrated GPS)
• Dedicated Chat device (i.e Whatsapp, Telegram, Messenger)
• Baby / Pet monitor
• Smart Doorbell
• Recording POVs / more cameras for filming
• Smart Home Controller
• Alarm Clock / At a Glance device
• Digital Photo Frame
• Dash Camera
• Device for kids (Esp. if you can set up Parental Controls / have a durable case for it)
• Video Caller
• WiFi extender / Portable Hotspot
• Host a server
• Remote PC monitor
• Wireless controller
• Macro Pad
• Webcam / Microphone
• White Noise machine
• Cast Reciever
• TV remote control

*Credits to u/utakatikmobil and u/Substantial_Berry_14 for some of the ideas on the OG post.

How do I install this app on my device?

Quick Glossary:

• OTA: Over The Air; literally tapping 'Check for Updates' in Settings
• Architecture: Imagine your device is a house. This word basically describes what your house is made of. The most archaic is armeabi, which is from the first versions of Android, while the most recent is arm64.
• API Level: Application Programming Interface. Imagine your device can only speak to the apps installed in one language, like German. This means any apps for any 'languages' (API levels) may not understand it. Apps made for older 'languages (API levels) have varying modicums of 'language' compatibility.
• ROM: Read-only memory; kind of a misnomer but the community uses it everywhere. This is really the package that contains Android and supporting libraries like the GPlay store.
• GPlay: My shortened version of Google Play. (Google Docs = GDocs, Google Drive = GDrive, etc.)
• Recovery: This is a mini-program used to 'recover' the OS, which basically means a full system-reset from a protected section of the memory. It is possible to replace this program with your own.
• AOSP: Android Open-Source Project, the underlying backbone to many cheap devices and community projects. It's because of this that polished, refined systems (i.e LineageOS) can coexist alongside the crapware made for TV boxes and Smart TVs.
• PPI / DPI: Pixels Per Inch \ Dots Per Inch. They mean the same thing. It's how sharp displayed text and images are; the lower the number, the blurrier the image. For the longest time, Apple 'Retina' devices were made at 326 PPI. Sometimes display resolutions may not exactly match Android PPI presets, so you may run into a device that has a 432 PPI using a 320 DPI or 440 DPI interface scale.

Updates:

Always check if your phone has any updates! Sometimes all you might need to do is install any OTA updates released for your device. This is true of my LG K30, which recieved an update from Android 9 to Android 10.

Custom ROMs:

If the device was popular enough, it might have had custom ROMs / recoveries developed for it. A great example would be the Google Pixel 3a, with unofficial support to install a version of Android 13 or 14, based on Google's own AOSP project. I recommend looking on XDA Forums.
Warning: If you are not careful, this can / will turn your device into an unusable / unrecoverable paperweight. If you are not confident in your technical skills, then I highly advise against this method.

Older App Versions:

If your device is too obscure or has no updates, then your last resort is learning how to install APKs and hunt down previous app versions. I previously wrote a quick guide here, but figured I should expand on it.
Step 1: Enable 'Installation of Apps from unknown / external sources'. This setting can usually be found in the Security page of your Settings app.
Step 2: Find out your hardware. I prefer using an app like Device Info HW since it tells you the API level, OS version and your supported architecture(s), but feel free to try your own.
Step 3: Launch your hardware info app and read! Take notes if you need to. Write down your API Level, Android version, supported architectures, and your display DPI / PPI.
i.e 'API Level 22', 'Android 5.1', 'Architecture: armeabiv7a, armeabi', and '240dpi' (Sometimes you can get away with using the OS version instead of the API level, so write that down too!)
Step 4. Begin the hunt! This is where the information from the hardware info app will make sure that the app is compatible. For example:

• My device is: API Level 19, Android 4.4, armeabiv7a, 180 dpi

Personally, I use APKMirror and Uptodown for finding clean APKs.

I have yet to see one, but be warned: DO NOT INSTALL APKs from shady websites unless you are willing to take the risk of being compromised. This is why I provided APKMirror and Uptodown, as they are known by me to be reputable.

If you're looking for open-source apps, which usually are ad-free and updated frequently, use F-Droid or GitHub.
Step 5. Download the APK for your device! I know APKMirror is a maze, which is why having your hardware info comes in handy. Really, all you have to do is plug in what you have to find the versions. If any are marked 'universal', go for those apps! They're very likely to run on your device with no issues.
Step 6. Install the APK Once you have the APK downloaded, you have to install it, haha! Most browsers will give a warning that the file may harm your device, but if you recognize that it's what you downloaded, then there should be no harm.* *Be careful. Viruses do exist out there.
Check your 'Downloads' folder using either the factory shortcut or your file managing app. Tap on the file to begin installation, and confirm on the next page. Once installed, you can either close the install menu or open the app.

My phone is slow, can I do anything to fix it?

There are multiple methods to doing this, with varying levels of complexity.

1. Restart your phone. This is as easy as closing all apps and holding the power button, then tapping "Shut down Device" or "Restart if that option is available.
   
2. Install any updates. Sometimes updates can improve performance, but this is hit-or-miss. Frankly, I've found updates bog down devices more than they fix them, but that doesn't mean they can't improve performance.
   
3. Uninstall unused apps. Time to sort your 'junk drawer' and clear out the things that don't belong anymore.
   
4. Disable factory-installed apps. If you don't use the OE-provided apps with your device, you may be able to disable them in their App Info Settings page. This stops them from launching and running in background, which frees up system resources.
   

As stated before, disabling apps to improve performance or reduce functions may break certain Android features, so be careful.

1. Factory-reset the device. Sometimes, you just need a completely blank slate, literally. BACK UP ALL DATA YOU WANT FIRST, AND DOUBLE-CHECK YOU KNOW YOUR ACCOUNT / APP PASSWORDS! Then proceed with 'the nukening'. You can usually find the factory-reset option in either the General Management or Backup and Reset Settings page.

Another way is downgrading your apps. Dropping down a major version or two can usually improve app responsiveness with minimal loss to features. As long as you don't do major jumps in versions, you should be fine. :) Scroll up to learn how to install APKs under the header "Older App Versions".
Please let me know if you have any other ideas for using your device, and I will happily add them!

Wireless Mobile Internet Options in Tenerife: A Comprehensive Guide
Tenerife, the largest island in the Canary Islands archipelago, is a hotspot for millions of tourists annually. In today's digital age, staying connected while vacationing is crucial, whether it's for work, leisure, or simply staying informed. Here's a summary of the main wireless mobile internet options available in Tenerife to help you choose the best one for your needs:
📲SIM Cards in Tenerife:

• Nano-SIM or micro-SIM cards from major providers like Orange, Vodafone, and Movistar offer reliable internet access.
  
• Movistar boasts the widest network coverage on the island, making it a great choice for travelers seeking dependable connectivity.
  
• Vodafone offers competitive plans with ample data and unlimited national calls, ideal for digital nomads and frequent callers.
  
• Orange's "Mundo" SIM provides affordable options, perfect for tourists on family vacations.
  

✅Tenerife eSIM Option by Yesim:

• Yesim's eSIM offers the convenience of digital SIM cards, allowing easy access to mobile internet without the hassle of physical cards.
  
• With various plans tailored to travelers' needs, including 7, 15, and 30-day options, Yesim ensures seamless connectivity throughout your stay.
  
• Enjoy benefits like global coverage, swift local connections, budget-friendly tariffs, and environmental sustainability with Yesim's eSIM.
  

🤝🏼How to Buy an eSIM from Yesim:

• Verify device compatibility and visit Yesim's website.
  
• Choose your preferred data plan and create or access your account.
  
• Purchase the eSIM package and receive a QR code for activation.
  
• Scan the QR code on your device and follow the on-screen instructions for eSIM activation.
  

🛜Data Roaming Options for Tenerife:

• While roaming offers convenience, it comes with drawbacks such as high costs, limited data, and varying conditions in different countries.
  
• An eSIM can be a cost-effective alternative to roaming, providing consistent rates and eliminating excessive fees.
  

✔️Pocket Wi-Fi:

• Pocket Wi-Fi routers offer portable internet access by converting mobile signals into Wi-Fi networks.
  
• Ideal for travelers with multiple devices, pocket Wi-Fi ensures connectivity wherever there's mobile network coverage.
  

😍Free Wi-Fi:

• Many cafes, restaurants, shopping complexes, hotels, and public spaces in Tenerife offer free Wi-Fi.
  
• While convenient, free Wi-Fi may have limitations such as low speeds, unstable connections, and security risks.
  

✈️Benefits of eSIM:

• Ease of use, competitive costs, unlimited data, global availability, and environmental sustainability make eSIM a preferred choice for travelers.

Whether you opt for a traditional SIM card, embrace the convenience of eSIM, or explore other wireless options, staying connected in Tenerife has never been easier. Choose the option that suits your needs and enjoy seamless internet access during your visit to this picturesque island paradise 🧡.

Wireless Mobile Internet Options in Tenerife: A Comprehensive Guide
Tenerife, the largest island in the Canary Islands archipelago, is a hotspot for millions of tourists annually. In today's digital age, staying connected while vacationing is crucial, whether it's for work, leisure, or simply staying informed. Here's a summary of the main wireless mobile internet options available in Tenerife to help you choose the best one for your needs:
📲SIM Cards in Tenerife:

• Nano-SIM or micro-SIM cards from major providers like Orange, Vodafone, and Movistar offer reliable internet access.
  
• Movistar boasts the widest network coverage on the island, making it a great choice for travelers seeking dependable connectivity.
  
• Vodafone offers competitive plans with ample data and unlimited national calls, ideal for digital nomads and frequent callers.
  
• Orange's "Mundo" SIM provides affordable options, perfect for tourists on family vacations.
  

✅Tenerife eSIM Option by Yesim:

• Yesim's eSIM offers the convenience of digital SIM cards, allowing easy access to mobile internet without the hassle of physical cards.
  
• With various plans tailored to travelers' needs, including 7, 15, and 30-day options, Yesim ensures seamless connectivity throughout your stay.
  
• Enjoy benefits like global coverage, swift local connections, budget-friendly tariffs, and environmental sustainability with Yesim's eSIM.
  

🤝🏼How to Buy an eSIM from Yesim:

• Verify device compatibility and visit Yesim's website.
  
• Choose your preferred data plan and create or access your account.
  
• Purchase the eSIM package and receive a QR code for activation.
  
• Scan the QR code on your device and follow the on-screen instructions for eSIM activation.
  

🛜Data Roaming Options for Tenerife:

• While roaming offers convenience, it comes with drawbacks such as high costs, limited data, and varying conditions in different countries.
  
• An eSIM can be a cost-effective alternative to roaming, providing consistent rates and eliminating excessive fees.
  

✔️Pocket Wi-Fi:

• Pocket Wi-Fi routers offer portable internet access by converting mobile signals into Wi-Fi networks.
  
• Ideal for travelers with multiple devices, pocket Wi-Fi ensures connectivity wherever there's mobile network coverage.
  

😍Free Wi-Fi:

• Many cafes, restaurants, shopping complexes, hotels, and public spaces in Tenerife offer free Wi-Fi.
  
• While convenient, free Wi-Fi may have limitations such as low speeds, unstable connections, and security risks.
  

✈️Benefits of eSIM:

• Ease of use, competitive costs, unlimited data, global availability, and environmental sustainability make eSIM a preferred choice for travelers.

Whether you opt for a traditional SIM card, embrace the convenience of eSIM, or explore other wireless options, staying connected in Tenerife has never been easier. Choose the option that suits your needs and enjoy seamless internet access during your visit to this picturesque island paradise 🧡.

Bingo + 2 Drinks + Potential New Friends — $10, Thursday 7PM at Gold Coast

Zero commitment needed. Just show up. Get your bingo card, get your drinks, buy a dauber, and have fun for an hour.
I went to bingo with a couple friends of a friend a few weeks back, and they had a great time but they were slightly intimidated about it, not knowing what to expect. It gave me the idea to just invite anybody that wants to show up, and I'd be happy to walk them through the process. Meet new people and have fun, too.
If you want to go play bingo, I'll be there on Thursday (May 23rd) at 6:30PM, and you can sit with me. I'll help ya along, and below you'll find all ya need to know, too. Hopefully, you won't be the only one showing up, but if you are, that's A-OK!
Here's what you need to know:
The Gold Coast bingo hall is on the west side of the building. No matter where you park, when you're inside, walk away from the strip. Eventually, you'll find two long escalators. Take those up to the second floor, turn left at the top, and make your way into the bingo hall.
1) Get Bingo Card — Once inside the set of doors, turn left and get in line to buy your bingo cards. When you get to the cashier, say that you would like a "blue paper, validated, and a dollar dual daub". You can say exactly that. "blue paper, validated, and a dollar dual daub". It'll cost $6 or $7, and the cashier will hand you a pack of bingo cards and your receipt. (Different color packs pay different amounts if you win. You can also get an electronic unit : basically you'd watch a computer play for you. For us, though, we're getting the inexpensive option of playing on "blue paper", and the "dual daub" game is played in the middle of the others. For it, each space has 2 numbers. You just need to make one of the two numbers to cover the space. You don't need to worry about any of that. Just say "blue paper, validated, and a dollar dual daub")
2) Get Drinks — With your receipt and bingo cards, go left to the bartender area. You will likely see people standing in line there, too. You get your choice of two drinks (alcoholic or non-alcoholic). Tell the bartender what you would like (rum and Coke, screwdriver, hot chocolate, coffee, Pepsi, vodka cranberry, various beers, etc.). The bartender will stamp your receipt to indicate that you ordered your drinks and then hand you the drinks. Tip $1 or $2.
3) Find me — With your receipt, bingo cards, and drinks, walk to the other end of the large room (past the chandelier). Just to the right of the area where the ball caller will sit, you'll find me. I'll have a tiki mug on the table. Sit your stuff down on the table in one of the spaces then head to the vending machines to buy a dauber.
4) Buy a dauber — Insert your money ($2 or less) and pick the dauber of your choice. Light colors are easier to see the number through the ink, but any color you would like is fine.
5) Return to the table — Return back to the table and get ready to have fun. The bingo session will last under an hour and will start promptly at 7PM. You should arrive no later than 6:45PM to get everything done, and you can arrive as early as 6:15PM. The room will be open/empty at that time, but sales & drinks won't start to a bit later.
As to the bingo session itself, there are "indicator boards" around the room that show the desired pattern for each particular game. For example, the first game might be a "hard way bingo" which means you have to do it the "hard way" without the free space. You can have any 5 in a row up and down or left to right, except it can't go through the free space. The light up board will show the possibilities.
The pack of bingo cards has many sheets. Some of the games will be played on the one card then tear it off and throw it away. Some of the games will continue after a winner is determined. For example, that hard way bingo game might go into a double hard way for the next game. You would continue playing on the same card, but the target would be different. You would now need two rows of 5 marked spaces.
I'll be there to help, but the long and the short of it, is to not stress. You're statistically highly unlikely to win. Look at it like this: You're spending ~$10 to have fun, get a couple drinks, etc. You might win, but there are quite a few people playing in the same bingo session that will be spending $100+ to buy dozens of bingo cards, electronically. You'll have the six cards in front of you, but statistically, that person with dozens is more likely to bingo first. Ironically, they might "win" to receive far less than they spent. Do people playing on a single paper pack win? Absolutely. I've won. People I've been with have won, but if you feel like you can't keep up or don't "get it", the important part to remember is that you've not spent much money and you likely didn't screw anything up that mattered anyway. Just come and have fun.
I'm doing this just because I think it'll be fun. It's not sponsored or connected to the Gold Coast in any way. If you want to know more about me before ya come, I play slots online at https://www.youtube.com/@tikijackpot and you can see me reviewing Vegas stuff at https://www.youtube.com/@justinclouse
So, show up around 6:30PM to 6:45PM and let's have a fun time. If you have any questions, just ask.

Not a way I want to start a night shift, but it burned about 2 hours for me, so that's a plus! But, the staff I was relieving, had to cover those 2 hours, as I was the closest thing to a supervisor at the time. I'm sorry bestie!!
I had to hold off on posting about this for a few months, due to any potential legal action our property may have been dealing with, for the incident. I never received any final update, so I think I'm in the clear to share.
Opening scene: it's 10pm, Night Audit (me) arrives, walking thru the lobby to get to their post, silent greetings to other staff, as I walk past guests checking in.
I set my things down in the back office, put on my name tag, chug the caffeine of my choice, and mosey my way up front. The guests that were previously there have gone on their way, and it's just me and 2nd shift staff. Our schedules have a 1 hour layover, so we start chatting about how the days been, and any info I need to know.
20 mins pass
Cue the phone call; 2nd shift picks up, while I start printing paperwork. I overhear my coworker exclaim, "I'm sorry, you saw what now?!" Ears perk up, and I'm listening in, watching my coworkers expressions for any indication if emergency services need to be called, or just send Security to handle it. Their eyes bug out, at whatever the person on the other end of the phone is saying. I hear my coworker ask for a the location of the caller, and the location of the incident; she repeats, "tennis courts, and fitness center lawn." I'm radioing Security to come by the desk, to prepare for whatever is going down; it's about to be shift change, so we happen to have both Security Director (SecDir) from 2nd shift, and 3rd shift Security (SEC) present.
My coworker eventually gets off the phone and informs me, "a member witnessed a van jump over a curb, skid out over the lawn, then drive off towards rooms, on the nature trail. He says that the driver stopped the van, jumped out, then took off towards the residential area, stumbling and clearly intoxicated."
Oh boy! This is not going to be fun. We immediately pass the info to Security, and tell them to go searching for the van, and the driver, if possible. I ask my coworker to call local PD, to ask for assistance; we're gonna need all the help we can get.
While I'm keeping in contact on the radio with Security, I'm also texting the big bosses, keeping them updated on what's happening. Eventually, my coworker gets off the phone, just as the member who had witnessed everything, comes into the lobby, to retell his story. As I'm listening, we get a radio call from SecDir stating she didn't see anything by the fitness center, and SEC also stating he walked a bit of the nature trail, and didn't see the van.
How do you lose a whole ass van?! There's no way this intoxicated individual managed to get back onto property, hop in his van, then take off with it...
I offer to help look, and SecDir says she's going home; SEC goes with me. I grab a flashlight, a radio, and tell 2nd shift, I'll keep her posted, and to let me know when PD gets here; I apologize for her potentially having to stay late.
SEC and I head to the fitness center, and right away, I see tread marks that have completely destroyed the lawn between the lap pool and the tennis courts... SecDir didn't see anything, my ass! She didn't even look. These are very obvious, and hard to miss. Just as I start going to follow the trail made by the treads, PD pulls up, and 4 squad cars are taking off near the residential homes, spot lights on, searching for our intoxicated driver; while 2 other sqaud cars park by the fitness center.
SEC and I waive down the officers, both about my age (20's), and show the the tread marks on the lawn. We have a giggle over how ridiculous the situation seems, and survey the area for any damage, or signs as to wear the van may have ended up. We still can't find it... only damage we find is a broken light fixture, some ruined landscaping, and the obvious lawn. I ask SEC to stay back, and continue talking to the officers, while I walked down one of the guest paths, that leads to some rooms, thinking maybe the member had confused that for the nature trail (the trail circles the whole property, but connects to the guest paths).
The property is 88 acres... we have proof, via the tread marks, the van exists; it has to be somewhere!
As I walk further down the path, I see yet another broken light fixture. BINGO We're on the right path! I continue down, scanning for a path of destruction, to lead me to this mysterious van. Just as I'm asking myself, "how in the 7 Hells did this guy drive this far down? It's so narrow!" I look up, and am greeted with the tail end of a vehicle, quietly parked at the end of the path, blocking the entrance of a couple of our rooms, no where near a parking lot, where it should be resting.
Ladies, gentlemen, and nonbinary individuals... we got 'em!
Unable to hold back my astonishment, I start cackling like a witch, at the absurdity of the sight before me; I then yell back to SEC, "Bro! I found it!" Before falling back into laughter. I had the mental clarity to search around the vehicle, seeing if anyone was inside; as well as to check for more damage; or to make sure no guest was potentially pinned underneath this beast.
SEC and PD make their way over, while I'm still cracking up, realizing I'm the closest person to a supervisor, so I'll have to stay as long as PD is here, and help file reports; what a joy my job is!
I tell SEC to call SecDir back, and tell her she needs to get back on property; she agrees, and has an ETA of 10 mins.
I call 2nd shift with my cell phone, to front desk phone, and update her; she's laughing along with me; and I break the news that she will have to cover the desk, until this is sorted out. "No problem! Just take lots of pictures!"
I'm already on it!
PD searches the vehicle, and finds... drumroll please METH! Woo-hoo! This fucker was high as a kite! It's a miracle he didn't hit anyone, driving over the guest path. No identification found in the vehicle, other than a note with a name scribbled on it, so PD runs the plates; asking us to check if the name matches with any guests in house. IT BETTER NOT! I have 2nd shift on the phone, asking her to run names for me; no dice. I also ask her to look up the name on the note; nothing.
We're informed PD is going to fly a drone over the property, to check for heat signatures, trying to find our guy, seeing if he's still meandering in the desert. Nada...
Some guests I had checked in the night prior, walk by, and see the whole ordeal, with me pacing around, chatting to officers, and SEC. I check in with them, asking if they happened to see anything, or if they were just coming back? They had been out all night, and were just getting in; they ask what's happened, and if it's OK to watch; I'm not stopping them, I think it's funny as hell; they pull up their patio furniture, and peek over their wall to watch PD, SEC and I plan how to get the van out. (Sealth lvl 10)
Other guests come by, having just checked in, and warned of the chaos going on, and ask for directions to their room; I point them in the direction, apologizing for the disturbance, and getting a giggle from them, as they ask if every night is this exciting? "Gods I hope not!"
SecDir is back on site, and the big bosses have said they want to remove the van. Perfect! How...?
PD offers to get a tow truck to remove it, but that risks causing more damage to the property. Yeah... no. Let's try avoiding adding more damage to the landscaping, because I know grounds is gonna be pissed when they see what's happened to the lawn, and some of the perfectly curated plants on the path. Lucky us, while searching the vehicle, PD found the keys in the ignition! SecDir asks that I call our Front Desk Director (my boss), and ask how she wants us to get the van out; SEC offers to drive it out, and we just guide him around, to make sure he doesn't do significant damage to the property. My boss gives the all clear, and we all take position; PD in front, with SecDir, and me following behind, to make sure the tail end of the van clears things, or offering a push, if we get stuck on decorative boulders.
After about 5 mins, of yelling and directing, the van is returned to the black top, that is a parking lot, with cheers and applause! PD gets final statements from us, and suggests we get the van towed ASAP, so if the original driver returns, he might come to the desk looking for his vehicle/keys; basically setting a trap, so we could call PD if/when he returns. I thank the officers, and my team, for a job well done, then return to the desk; time to begin writing reports, updating the big bosses, and searching for 24hr towing...
My coworker is all giddy from the excitement, as I show her pictures I had taken; kicking myself for not having recorded us driving the van out, to document any damages we may have caused, but, oh well, I'm sure the bosses won't mind. I eventually get a hold of a tow company, and am informed they can't tow the vehicle, until after 48hrs, due to a new bill that has been passed in my state; but, they can come tag the vehicle; perfect! I keep SEC informed, so he can update his reports, and give him the van keys to hold onto, along with the tow companies info.
My coworker finally decides to leave the desk, and wants to go work out at the fitness center; it's almost 2am at this point, and her gym is closed. I don't have a problem with it, so I give her a member key. I include this information for a reason...
Around 2:45am, just as I'm preparing to run audit, I get a call from my coworker; I answer, "is everything okay?" And all I hear is her say, "I think the guy is back!" No. Fucking. Way. She continues, "I was about to leave, when I saw, someone I thought was a guest, stumbling around the ballroom area, and I asked if he needed help. He mumbled, and I couldn't understand him. Then I realized, he fit the description of our missing driver! He's in the parking lot right now, just kinda wandering."
LET'S GOOOO!
I'm on the radio, calling SEC, and telling him to go to the parking lot; and to meet up with coworker. I then start calling PD, telling them our guy is back, and we need them back here.
SEC calls me after I hang up with PD and is laughing; he tells me our guy is just standing by the van, trying to open the doors, and just acting super confused; probably thinking, "how did this get here?" SEC says our guy seems to have given up, and is now smoking a cigarette next to the van; probably having realized he probably fucked up, bad, accepting his fate.
PD eventually joins them, and takes the guy to jail for the night, for trespassing; unable to prove he's a guest, or knows someone who is staying here. Unfortunately, we couldn't prove he was the driver, because we don't have cameras on the property, other than the ones watching the desk. The guys does confirm it's his van tho, so some legal savvy people might be able to clarify if he can actually get charged for DUI.
The next night, I come on shift, to find the van gone, and no update from management on any legal action that is being pursued.
I know, not a super exciting ending; but I hope you enjoyed this tale.

This collaboration project between CommonPresent Games, Five Frights, 3D FredWare Studios, and an anonymous music producer have all collaborated to make the ultimate conclusion to the Five Nights at Bingo's games.
Explore the abandoned Bar & Grill that was said to be nothing but an urban legend... 55 years after it's closing.
Your name is Cory. You go to explore the ruins, inviting your friends Clyde and Jack to come along with you.
A large sinkhole has formed underneath the building in the show stage, leaving the place in ruins and mostly caving in, especially in the middle of it.
INTRODUCTION CINEMATIC
You arrive there at 11:30 PM, and you text Clyde and Jack to come. They say that they will be there by 12:00 AM. You then walk in, and you explore the place, and then you enter the security office at 11:59 AM. You then get a text from Clyde saying that he is almost there, and that he gave Jack a ride, as well.
NIGHT 1 - It is now officially 12:00 AM. The building has entered it's lockdown state, not letting anyone or anything get in.. or out. You run to look at your phone, and then you very quickly connect it to the barely functioning security cameras in the building, and once you go onto the Show Stage camera, you will see Moltenstein emerge from the old sinkhole, who is a melted together fusion of the extremely rotted Bingo and Blossom animatronics.
DIALOGUE: What even was that thing?! I have to get out of here! This bulletin board right here says that lockdowns can take 14-21 days to end?! 14-21 DAYS?! It's okay.. I can do this. I brought my portable wireless charger for my phone. I just need to get that.. thing... away from me.
Moltenstein will sometimes appear at one of your doorways. You have a left doorway, a right doorway, and an opened ceiling vent. Turn off your phone's flashlight if you see it, in order to get it not to kill you, and activate a nearby camera's flashlight in order to attract it towards that camera's location.
There are only 6 functioning cameras. They are all the Show Stage, New Lobby, Left Hall Entrance, Right Hall Corner, and the Dining Area.
The Show Stage is where Moltenstein will emerge from. It will then make it's way towards the New Lobby, Left Hall Entrance, or the Dining Area.
The Dining Area's camera is broken, forcing it to face the right side hallway, where there is a vent entrance nearby.
All of the cameras have an internal flashlight that was applied during the investigation of the premises right before it's closing. These internal flashlights all work surprisingly well on the still functional cameras, and they are good for attracting light sensitive animatronics nearby. Moltenstein is very, very sensitive to bright lights.
Your phone's flashlight will always be on by default. Hold down CTRL in order to shut off your phone's flashlight, making it incredibly hard to see, but stopling Moltenstein from killing you, and sometimes even making it leave.
Your phone will lose 1% battery power every 2 seconds (you instead will lose 1% of your phone's battery power every 5 seconds whenever your flashlight is turned off..). Using a camera's internal flashlight will make it lose an extra 3% of it's battery power.. immediately. You can recharge it to get an extra 35% but this takes roughly 5 seconds to do......
NIGHT 2 - Ugh.. I need to get out of here! I am starting to see things. I can't do this anymore, come on!! Why me??? It's whatever.. Clyde and Jack called me this morning, and they said that they were worried. I told them about my situation, and they said that they have notified the authorities, but they didn't believe them. Those people really think that this place is fake. How funny of them...
Memory Citrus and Memory Lizzy can now be seen. These are just hallucinations, however. If you ever see the original Citrus flying through the Dining Area, put down your phone quickly, or Memory Citrus will jumpscare you, causing for you to throw your phone onto the ground in panic, attracting Moltenstein towards the light, giving him a 20% chance to kill you after somewhere in betweenn 7.26310-8.54790 secondssss.
If you ever see the original Lizzy standing in the middle of the lobby, put your phone down quickly, otherwise Memory Lizzy will appear floating in front of both of your doorways, and all of your cameras, making you unable to see them, all while you lose 1% of your power every 0.552 seconds. This effects lasts.. just about..... 10 seconds. And yes, this does cause your phone's flashlight to glitch out as well, luring Moltenstein to your location.
NIGHT 3 - This has to be the last night.. Surely the police have realized that I have very suddenly gone missing... Right? Please, just let this end. No more!
Memory Buttercup can now sometimes appear in one of your doorways. Shine your phone's flashlight at her in order to make her go away, or else, she will jumpscare you very suddenly, causing for you to have a heart attack.. and... well, die.
Memory Caesar and Memory Chuck seek to both be always found together now, and they can now sometimes appear in one of your doorways. Pull out your phone and look at it in order to deter them away from the security office that you are hiding inside of.
NIGHT 4 - Hey, hey! It's me, Jack! I just wanted to tell you that Clyde called the police... yet again.. and now they are starting to take us WAY more seriously! They said that they are attempting to locate your phone.. But it needs to stay charged up to at least 50% from now (12 AM) up until 6 AM, or we will not able to locate you, AND YOU WILL DIE. You gave us the wrong directions for what reason, anyway, you idiot?!
If your phone's battery drops down below 50%, you will be immediately just.. killed by Moltenstein.
NIGHT 5 - Hey, hey! It's me, Jack! We got your location! The police are headed there, now... Let's go, man! You're gonna make it home, by tonight!!! But.. You need to stop yourself from using the camera's built-in internal flashlights. Apparently, the cameras share a union power generator system, hence why they still work, and they only have about.. 8 charges left. It is pretty crazy, actually, right??? So just.. be careful, dude. Bye, now!!!,,,
If you use the camera flashlights 8 times, they will be disabled, and Moltenstein will be immediately teleported to your door, and he will kill you after approximately 2.5-3.5 seconds.
NIGHT 6 - Listen, man. I'm sorry, okay? But you entering that establishment has awakened and set free the mess in there, and I cannot afford to be chased down by that thing... You see, my grandpa was at that place for a re-evaluation of it's safety.. for... an incident. And that was not even his first time there! I'm sorry.. But you will not be making it out of there alive. I have released an overwhelming amount of a special secret gas recipe into the building, causing your hallucations to feel the most real possible, meaning that they have a 50-50 chance of giving you a heart attack and.. well, kill you. I also adjusted the union power usage to only allow for 6 camera flashes, and.. now, you must also always keep your phone charged. You can NOT recharge it. Have fun, Cory.
(This night ends at 4 AM, as the police and Clyde will break into the building and save you at that time.. exactly.)
ALL ENDINGS
Good Ending - During Nights 1-5, keep your phone's battery above 30%, and do not ever use any more then 6 camera flashes in each night. This will give you access to the Old Lobby, where you will find Buttercup, Citrus, Lizzy, Caesar, Chuck, and an unused Endoskeleton during the Night 6 Escape Scene. You will then get the option to scrap or take with you each and every single one of them as you walk up to them, letting them rest now as nothing but legends if you scrap them all. You will then see a scene of Jack getting trapped inside of the building, right as you guys escape...
Bad Ending - Follow Jack's instructions, and leave with Clyde and the police on Night 6 without making any discoveries. You will then see a scene of Jack escaping the building, right as you guys escape...
Happy Ending (Canon) - During Nights 1-5, keep your phone's battery above 30%, and do not ever use any more then 6 camera flashes in each night. This will give you access to the Old Lobby, where you will find Buttercup, Citrus, Lizzy, Caesar, Chuck, and an unused Endoskeleton during the Night 6 Escape Scene. You will then get the option to scrap or take with you each and every single one of them as you walk up to them, but if you take them all with you, you will then see the location rebuilt with the recovered and repaired Bingo, Blossom, Citrus, Buttercup, Lizzy, Caesar, Chuck, and the brand new Tropico The Toucan animatronics. Tropico The Toucan is an amazing newly built counterpart friend for the now happy Citrus The Toucan animatronic character.
We will be collaborating on FNaB 6, just as we did with this game, to introduce the continuation to the game series, and it's amazing and wonderfully unique storyline. We have amazing plans for this next entry of the series, and they will all be shared on here.. very, very soon.

Hello folks! First time caller to this subreddit. Or... pretty much any for that matter. XD
I was wondering if anyone might have some advice on sound damping. In the context of home cinema and conference rooms i'm pretty well versed, but with airco I'm not sure the best course of action.
For context, I have Olimpia Splendid Dolceclima Compact 8P. I'm a brit living in the Netherlands (7 years so far) and every summer making my pale skinned, cloud weathered DNA cry a lot. The heat is one thing, but the humidity at night is quite crazy. So, this year I treated myself to a portable unit just to learn the basic in cooling my office. I intend to get a full airco unit installed to the house in a year or two when i have the spare cash.
For now though, the cooling is good enough with this unit. The room i'm cooling it pretty small (3m x 3m x 2.4m) so the unit I bought is a little overkill, but it had the same sound rating at many others that dealt with the same room capacity. I thought that I might use this unit in my workshed after I get full airco installed to the main house, so the extra capacity will come in handy there (Shed is 4,5m x 4.0m x 2.6m).
With this room being so small though, i'm quite close to the airco unit and its like a very loud refridgerator when i put it on cooling mode. Any thoughts on how to dampen it down a little? My office is already sound treated (as I use it for recording audio) but it's still kind nuts.
Any advice is appreciated. Thanks in advance, folks!

I started my new job as a bingo caller last night and halfway through calling the numbers I farted. My boss rushed over, don't do that again. Sorry, I said, It must be the nerves. Thats fine but there was no need to hold the microphone to your arse.