How can i tell what kind of ram i have i

Hi all. I, 22F, am finally at a place in my life where I feel ready to embrace myself on the inside, which means my femininity. For years I was really depressed and in bad situations and never had the desire to express myself as woman. Now I find myself buying dresses and jewelry I never really get to wear, wondering how the Hell women make awesome buns (the YouTube vids are witchcraft, I'm telling you), and wishing there was some opportunity to force my bf into a suit for one night so we can go out.
The issue is, I'm a total homebody and only leave to go to work, where I have a uniform; I don't know how to use makeup, and it tends to make me lightheaded; I have absolutely no idea how to even begin trying to do my hair; I think it'd be dumb to pay for nail extensions when I eventually tear them off; I can't fathom how to begin doing my own nails; and, above all, I don't have friends or know any girls aside from bf's sister, and she's states away and even he's not sure she could help me figure this all out.
I find myself wanting to go shopping for dresses and outfits I'll never wear or will never feel cute enough to wear, I find myself wanting to do girly things that I've never had the chance to do earlier, and I have absolutely no idea how to do them within my own parameters. I also think this is largely contributing to my intense marriage/baby fever, which I try to actively tamp down but have absolutely no way to.
So, I really just have to ask... does anyone have any ideas?
(Btw, I only wrote all the issues above to give everyone an idea of what I'm dealing with here, to help formulate ideas that I won't have to shoot down due to them. I don't want to be mean, I'm sorry.)

I look at you from across the room
Instantly feel the urge to talk to you
One more thing I'm thinking about
Why am I not sitting next to you?
I'm so jealous of that blonde girl,
Cute blue dress with white ribbons.
I can't help it, I feel this way deeply.
Though I should be grateful, not angry.
I get to live in the same town
get to call you ever since lockdown
get to see the same purple sky
As you, every single cold night.
I think I might just die.
You're literally a rockstar
Carrying around your guitar
And when you start playing
I immediately start shaking
Shivers running down my spine
I can't believe it, this is real life!
I can't help it I'm taking pictures
I can't help it I'm shouting curse words
I can't help it if you're like this
You're unbelievable, actually...
I love the way your curly hair looks
It's giving 1950s yearbooks
Imagine if we had lived then
It all would have been so weird
No social media to stalk you No close friends story to post to which you'd react and call. Not knowing I only let YOU see it all.
All the shit you've been put through, I wanna kill the people who've hurt you I'll literally fight them one by one Then hide their bodies in my backyard And don't worry the cops won't find me or if they do it will still be worth it
I can tell you this one thing for sure I won't let you cry for no more I don't want any tears running down On your cheeks, through your dimples. (Unless of course they're happy tears)
Everytime I write in my journal I can't help but feel fortunate To write down your name Because Girl you never fail to amaze me!
School bells ring, classes end I go up to you and you pull me in. We say goodbye, see you next week The weekend's here, oh how great! It of course makes me happy. But I can't help overthinking. Did I do something wrong? What if my spell comes off? I've only used it a few times before.
You always put a smile on my face I love how you smell and the roses in your hair. The adorable way you laugh, While I tell you my, silly poems. Gosh, I love hanging out with you, I know, you'll shine eternally!
You always make me feel great Because you're just so amazing Why are you so nice to me? Like actually, why do I deserve this? I think I don't, not at all I feel now, that it will come to end.
Until then, I want you to know I love you wholeheartedly, And will forever do! There is just, no one quite like you! C. This is for you.

I'm finding I like arch too much. My personality types is an obsessive cleaner and organizer. I am very creative and there are so many things I can do with Arch that I can't seem to get with other distros.
But I get so frustrated when I want something, can't say what I want to look it up. I like different aspects of many distros and sadly trying to combine them is not working for me.
How many people feel like there is too much you want to do that you have no idea how or where to start let alone put it into words. Arch is the only one that has all the pretty bells and whistles of almost every kind.

Disclaimer: I don’t want people to read this and think I’m dogging on fireteam or think they’re op and that predator is for sure not worth playing. This is just my experience as someone brand new to the game.
So I got the game two days ago and while playing I can see why people don’t like the fire team. So In some game I’ve noticed that the fireteam seems to view the predator more as an obstacle rather than a threat. Like I has games where right off the bat I was the one being hunted ironically and then other times I was actually doing really well. I can see tho that the fireteam often doesn’t even see me as a threat like how in most games the “killer” would be like I’ve actually had on two occasions a fireteam member chase me around because it seemed like they knew they could kill me. I will say tho I do like that the game doesn’t make the predator seem like some unstoppable being cause after all that’s not what they are and the challenge is pretty fun I just sometimes feel like in order to succeed you kind of have to play a certain way or use a certain loadout which is never really all that fun. Needless to say I still like the game and am excited to see what they do with the upcoming updates.

My mother is a very damaged person. She’s been through a lot. She’s been through abuse and sexual assault. She was an addict when I was a kid. I would always be hugging her, consoling her, comforting her while she cried over her shithead boyfriends. I don’t think she’s a bad person. Deep down I know her heart is pure and she means well. But I realized she has never emotionally supported me. She never asked me and my brothers if we were okay if we got hurt or cried, because she has this tough love mindset that comforting sad or hurt people “enables them” to be weak and sensitive. She has recorded me crying because it was funny and then laughed at the video while replaying it. She has mocked and insulted me while I cried and had panic attacks. Once she said to me, when I was about 12, “you’re more of a mother to me” or something along those lines. Why do I have to be the bigger person? She’s my mom. I hate this tough love bullshit. I never treated her that way. I showed her unconditional love, support, and compassion before realizing that she is unable to do the same for me.
She told me I’m a bad person pretending to be a good one. Because I called her out yesterday. I was in a good mood, so of course she comes inside and starts bringing up everything I’m doing wrong: I didn’t let my bunny out of its cage that day, so she said I need to sell it, that I’m neglecting it. Then she brings up that I don’t tell her I used the last of our laundry money. The thing is I did tell her she just didn’t listen. When I told her I told her already, she says “well sometimes I just don’t listen to you because you talk nonsense”. I do sometimes talk nonsense-I have psychosis episodes and I’m suspected to be bipolar. When I feel manic I just can’t stop saying anything that pops into my mind. I don’t think this means I deserve to be ignored…..I said “you’re miserable so you need to make everyone else feel that way” and she said “that’s what you do”. But it’s not. It’s not what I do at all. I love her but this behavior is draining. It seems that much of what she’s saying to me is a projection. She told me I’m the manipulative one. This is frustrating. I can’t show anger towards her, because I will be demonized. How do you deal with someone who is this emotionally immature? I want her to be happy because I know she has a sort of mental health issue. I keep telling her she needs therapy but she won’t go.
My psychiatrist told me she thinks my mom is a narcissist who is using my mental illness and brain damage to further manipulate me. But I just don’t see it. I will never believe that my mom is a bad person. I wish the best for her despite my anger about the things she has done. I only wish to deal with this woman in the most mature and kind way possible that will allow me to stop being damaged by her. She acts nice most of the time, but she’s definitely done cruel things. When I bring them up she can’t see what’s wrong with her actions and refuses to apologize.

Hi! So im a pgy-2 in Urology in France. To summarize my experience so far: Ive been a slave (like surely most of us feel), worked my ass off. I do 90-100h/week, somedays with 33h shifts. My department consists of 16 urologists. There are two women that were one of the first women to be residents there. One (my tutor) is two years older than the other. There was a woman in the middle of the two but the younger one "surpassed" her and I dont know what happened but the older one has told me that she convinced my boss to let her go else where. This woman works in another hospital and hates my department.
Also there has been drama even between these two ladies. When the older one got pregnant and came back to work, she began operating again and in a case the patient died because a Vessel lesion that she couldnt repair.the younger one said behind her back: see? "You cant Just stop working and come back because your skills would be off. Females surgeon have to be comited to their career and not have children.". She began telling her boss about the older one mistakes, printing in papers what the other wrote in consult and the boss would reprimand her. The older one (my tutor) got into depression. Because they need support from each other because they are the Best surgeon on the team they get along now. Also: all the urologists younger than the younger woman didnt prospere (they didnt let them do surgery...) and only do consults with an ocasional turb.
So, im starting to do more surgically (previously i was a floor, emergencies and ultrasound slave lol) and my tutor is súper positive and says that im very smart and she wants to progress in oncourology and is letting me (female) and an older male resident do a lot of procedures. When im with other attendings everything goes well (im not perfect, im starting, but they are normal People and understand and support me). This younger female attending however is súper pissed when im with her in the op room and Ive seen that she blames the helping resident for her mistakes like: YOY PERFORED THE RECTUM BECAUSE YOU ARE HARSH (she perfored it herself... That was with another resident).
Today i had a robotic prostatectomic with her and similar things happened, she couldnt stop screaming the entire surgery and when it finished she went to my tutor and badmouthed me (my tutor told me she remembered her of mistakes ive done and told her i didnt listen to her during the procedure). I did listen to her the whole time and followed her instructivos. My boss (which previously had been amazing with me) now looks and speaks at me badly. He has given me harsh quarrels the last weeks about cases and im sure she has told him. In one of these cases i said that patient is very aggresive when he comes to the clínic and she said That patient has told me a doctor treated him badly...... With a smug face. I told her did he mean me? And she nodded smugly...
How do you handle work place toxicity that tries to belittle/destroy you? Im scared of badmouthing and rumors. Im keeping a low profile but even so she doesnt stop..
Ps: i was so scared during the prostatectomy because i thought how she was blaming everything on me (she ripped the urethral and said it was me) that if some serious complication arised (dead, rectum lesion ...) that she would blame it on me and I would be destroyed forever...
I love my speciality but im currently thinking of finishing residency how i can and switch hospital because i dont think i could work with this person.

Hello everyone! As the title says, I'm looking to write with someone in the universe of MHA! I've only just recently gotten into the fandom, but I absolutely love it, and would very much like to write something in it! Before I start rambling on about the roleplay itself, I'll tell you about me so that you can get to know the person you might be writing with!
About Me
I've been writing for about 10 years now, I consider myself to be very literate, I always try to make sure my grammar is on point and spelling is correct! I've written in a wide range of fandoms before, including (but not limited to) Transformers, Attack on Titan, Fallout, the Witcher, Halo, ATLA, Marvel, DC, Gears of War, and many more! I love talking with writing partners out of character! Getting to know each other, talk about our interests, how our days have been, the roleplay as we're writing it, and so on! I ask that you also engage in conversation OOC, as it's no fun to write with someone, only for the conversation outside of that roleplay to be nonexistent!
I'll lay out my expectations. If you answer this, I fully expect you to put in the effort with your writing, because I will, and it's really not fun being the only one who tries in a roleplay! I am not a huge stickler for many things, but grammar and spelling is something I care a lot about. If it's a few minor mistakes every now and then, I can get over it. If every post has multiple, I will not continue the roleplay. I don't think it's too much to ask that you send me posts that aren't littered with mistakes!
The Roleplay
Now, for the actual roleplay! As I said above, I'm fairly new to the fandom, I've only watched the anime up to a certain point (the end of Season 3), but I still absolutely love what I've seen so far! I am mainly looking to write through the plot points of the show, while focusing in on some of specific characters! In particular, I really like Todoroki, and would love to write as him, with someone else taking control of Momo, as I think they are a great pair! Of course, I love a ton of the other characters too, and would really like to focus on a bunch of different ones! I am a big fan of Kirishima, Bakugo, Kaminari, and Midoriya too, but would also not mind occasionally including some others whenever the plot may call for it!
I also have an OC character who I would ideally like to write against Mirko, but that's not necessary! Though if you are interested in entertaining that plot idea, I would be eternally grateful!
Now for the more intricate details, we can discuss these together whenever you reach out! Do we wanna make some deviations from canon? Maybe! I'm open to discussing some possible changes, when and wherever they may apply as we go along! If you don't want to, though, we can of course keep things as close to canon as possible! There's a ton of different routes we could go, and I would love to hear your thoughts when you message me! I'm nothing if not collaborative, and enjoy hearing the thoughts and suggestions of my writing partners as much as I do sharing my own! So please don't be afraid to give me your ideas, I would love to hear all of them!
Conclusion
Thank you so much for reading! If you made it this far, please tell me who your favorite character from MHA is! I'd just like to know you read this far down and didn't skip through my whole post!!
Aside from that, I have nothing else to say! I am super excited to hear back from anyone interested in writing with me, and cannot wait to get going!

Link for all the chapters available here: Engines of Arachnea on Royal Road
Having said his piece, Rene had expected the woman to accept her role as a prisoner of the Fleet. But no sooner had he taken his knee of her back than she was at him again, rolling over and cursing as she tried to spit him on her claws. Training kicked in and Rene applied the wrestling component of his hand-to-hand combat course. He secured underhooks with his arms, locking them together with his hands and hugging her tight from behind. Zildiz bucked and twisted around in a futile attempt to make room for her blades, even managing to get one of her knees beneath her and push off the ground. Rene allowed her to gain her feet, cunningly using the opening to slip the loop of his encircling arms around her waist. Now in complete control of her center of gravity, Rene swung his leg out and arched his back, heaving her up and over like a sack of turnips in a textbook suplex. A fraction of a second before he smashed the top of her skull into the hard ground, he remembered that he was supposed to keep prisoners alive and preferably not in a vegetative state, and so he cushioned the fall with his own body, falling on his side to increase surface area and dissipate the force.
Zildiz was caught totally by surprise. Unlike Rene she had neglected to tuck in her chin before the moment of impact, a vital detail which was one of the first things a recruit was taught to do on the mats.
“Oof!” she said as all the breath slammed out of her by the throw. Rene felt her body go limp as her dazed senses tried to adjust to the violent change of orientation. He took advantage of this moment of weakness and looped his legs around her body, locking his ankles together to form a full body triangle. His left forearm punched up and took her neck in a rear naked choke, a suffocating vise formed by the insides of his elbow crushing her windpipe and carotid arteries.
“I warned you,” he told her. His choking hand grabbed the inside of his other elbow, right forearm sneaking behind her neck and under his armpit, tightening the garrote even further.
“Had enough?”
“Hrrnnkk…” Zildiz choked. She lifted an arm and slid back the blade until it was the length of a finger, deliberately giving Rene the universal gesture to go and fornicate with himself, before sheathing the claw entirely and aiming her fist at him over her shoulder.
Rene ducked as the blade shot out again, only just avoiding it going through his eye socket and into his brain. As it was, it only nicked his temple, sending warm lines of blood trickling down his visor. Rene hugged her even tighter, constricting the chokehold until he heard her breathing reduced to an agonized wheeze. He throttled her until she stopped moving, her struggles weakening until she went completely lax. Then he held the choke for exactly three seconds longer, counting carefully to avoid giving her lasting brain damage. He let go and was relieved to hear her snoring faintly. Gently rolling her onto her back so she didn’t suffocate in the dirt, Rene cast about for a means to secure his prisoner. He had only a few seconds before she regained consciousness. Quickly he cut some vines from the surrounding trees and knotted them into a crude rope. He flipped her back over again and tied her hands at the wrists and elbows. He had no illusions that it would hold her for long. He tied her wings together at their bases for good measure. She had two sets of them, but the larger pair was missing one of its partners that had been torn off at the socket to reveal a gaping wound. They were wondrously tough membranes considering how thin and flexible they were, as sturdy as ultrapod leather. Rene looked over his work and loosened it a bit so as not to cut off the circulation in her arms. It wasn’t bad for something done on the fly. Then again, he’d been playing this whole thing by ear ever since the ambush that had cut his unit to pieces. Ye gods, but that whole experience felt like a lifetime ago. He had not expected to ever use that component of his hand-to-hand training designed for fighting human opponents. Of course, he’d helped put down a fair share of civil unrest in his time, but even during the worst of the food riots in Mound Ulysses he’d never so much as given a person a light shove. The civilians knew better than to antagonize a battalion of the Fleet’s finest over something as routine and reoccurring as a government rationing in the face of crop failure.
He felt quite bad about having to roughhouse the woman, that is, until she sat up awake and glowered hatefully at him, coughing and retching.
“Don’t,” he pleaded with her in exasperation as she gave him the old stink eye, “I don’t want to fight you again.”
“Why?” she spat defiantly, “Afraid you’d lose?”
“Uh huh,” Rene grunted, amused and even a little impressed by her spunk. She couldn’t have weighed more than sixty kilos soaking wet and was at least half a foot shorter than him even with that exomorph of hers, but this woman was all fight and no quit. She would have to be, living on the surface world and facing these abominations day after day. Rene looked at the dismembered corpses of the black-furred devils and had a sudden jolt of inspiration. As Zildiz tested the strength of her restraints Rene went over to the monster he had chopped to bits and poked the misshapen hump on its back, which had excreted thick ribbons of silk at the moment of death. Feeling more than a little squeamish, Rene pulled on the threads of silk. He had only meant to collect two or three meters of the material, but more and more of the stuff kept unwinding out its glands like a handkerchief from a magician’s pocket. Eventually his hands became enmeshed in the horrid stuff and he had to struggle like the dickens to unstick himself and scrape it off onto a bush where it stuck like a lumpy hammock. Remembering how his enemy had plugged the stab wound in its gut, Rene snapped off a twig and curled it into the white mess like those vendors at the fairs did with candy cloud treats, ending up with a spool of silk. He applied it to the cut on his temple by winding it around his head like a bandage, and was gratified when it stopped the bleeding almost immediately. He heard the rustle of dead leaves and turned around to find Zildiz furtively attempting to sidle away from him.
“Don’t even try it,” he told her, “Or I’ll run you down and knock you senseless. I’m taking you back to civilization. The Fleet needs to know what it’s up against out here, and you’re a veritable trove of information.”
Zildiz squatted back down and stared at him, simmering with resentment. Rene shook his head and continued his work, moving on to the monster that had been the first to die at the woman’s hands. Cutting open its hump, Rene was rewarded with a dense lump of thread still packed inside its spinneret. He took another twig and spooled it in, then wrapped the bundle of silk in a large leaf.
A leg twitched of its own accord. Rene nearly dropped the bundle as he sprang back, sword upraised. The devil’s limbs began doing a tap dance and Rene relaxed a bit, recognizing it as the onset of rigor mortis. The side of its face was split open and hanging loosely by a strap of flesh. Struck by a nagging suspicion, Rene stooped down and peeled off the segments of its head, holding the edge of his sword against its neck to decapitate it in the event that it proved too lively for his liking.
The musculature and armor tore away just like it had with Zildiz’s helm, and for the second time that night he found himself staring into the face of another living human being. Only this time it was a man whose face was utterly disfigured, a perversion of the basic form. In the place of his lower jaw were fingerlike protrusions of gummy tissue and exposed nerve endings. His nose cartilage was likewise missing, leaving only a pair of holes dribbling with snot. The man blinked, and glassy eyes with almost no whites at their edges fixed Rene in their gaze.
“Kill…me…” the man whispered.
Rene began to shake uncontrollably, wiping a trembling hand across his mouth as he was forced to consider the carnage he’d just wrought in a new and horrifying light. These weren’t three dead monsters littering the jungle floor; these were three dead men, and some of them he had killed himself.
“Kill me!” the man begged him. He was young, barely Rene’s age, his smooth skin untroubled by the wrinkles of age and worry. He had clear brown pupils and dark, expressive brows. If it weren’t for all the rest of him, Rene might’ve mistaken him for a fresh-faced recruit at the academy, or a paperboy climbing up the terraced apartments of inner hive to deliver news of the Fleet’s latest victory.
On unsteady legs Rene staggered back to Zildiz’s side and away from the awful truth he had uncovered.
“Something the matter?” Zildiz asked in a gleeful tone, “Feeling a little worse for wear, are we?”
“Shut it,” Rene said distantly. He dragged Zildiz to her feet and began winding the silk around her wrists, layering them over thick and tying them off with a simple knot. He kept the vines on her for added insurance and told her to start walking.
“Where to?” she demanded.
“I’m not feeding you to my children, if that’s what you’re asking,” he muttered, “I don’t have any to begin with, and even if I did, I sure as hell wouldn’t raise them to be cannibals.”
Zildiz didn’t move, so Rene grabbed her and frog marched her away. He had no real destination in mind—he just had to get away from this place and the bodies he’d made. Zildiz rounded on Rene, saying:
“Aren’t you going to deal with him? I only severed his neural connection to paralyze his exomorph. He’s still very much alive.”
“No!” Rene yelled, “That’s not how I—how people do things. Almighty ancestors, is that so hard for you to grasp?”
“Yes,” Zildiz replied quite candidly.
“He’s a living, breathing human being. I don’t know if you’ve heard, but those are pretty rare on Arachnea and worth keeping around.”
“No. He is a Leaper. After extracting your gilt helix, he and his packmates would devoured you right then and there.”
“That’s why you saved me, isn’t it? So they couldn’t obtain this shiny helix thing?”
Zildiz ignored his question, continuing:
“If you leave him here, at best he will die of exposure. At worst, his tribe will come looking for him, and if they find him, they will run us down and kill us anyway.”
Rene bit his lip. She spoke the truth and they both knew it. But after all this world had already taken from him, there remained one thing which he refused to part with. And Rene knew that if he gave in now and took the expedient option—the sensible option—he would be surrendering it forever.
“Sorry,” he said finally, “That’s against the rules.”
He dragged Zildiz over to the Leaper and spoke to him, saying:
“I won’t kill you. I’m not about to eat you either, so you can stop begging for a quick death. As long as you tell me what I want to know, we’ll leave you here and go our separate ways. I might even patch your wounds if you’re cooperative. Does that strike you as a fair bargain?”
The Leaper met this pronouncement with a look of utter perplexity that mirrored the one on Zildiz’s face.
“I’ll take that silence as a yes,” Rene said impatiently, “You’ll begin by telling me your name.”
“Kryptusshh,” the Leaper said slowly, as if not daring to hope.
“Very good. Are there any more of your people out there, Kryptus?”
“Why sshhould I trusht you? I would only be dooming more of my kindred, and there issh no certainty you would not kill me afterwardssh.”
“It’s a chance you have to take,” Rene shrugged, “Either that, or I’ll let this woman do as she pleases with you. And just between you and me,” he said in a loud stage whisper, “She doesn’t seem all that fond of your sort.”
Zildiz and Kryptus locked eyes with each other. Rene could almost feel the waves of hatred coming off her as she bristled, every tendon in her body tensing expectantly. Kryptus must have seen something he didn’t like, for he looked away and said:
“I am a warrior of the Weeping Vipersh. We are roughly eleven hundred sshtrong. One tenth of that number are bravesshh like me.”
“He lies,” Zildiz said, baring her teeth in a snarl, “That is less than half their true strength. He does not count the adolescents and the old loom-mothers, who are the deadliest of their kind.”
“Three hundred, then, if they are consshidered,” Kryptman quickly admitted, “Your pardon, merciful one.”
“I’ll excuse your forgetfulness just this once,” Rene warned, “But your memory better not fail you again.”
He questioned the Leaper closely. Kryptus claimed that only he and his pack had seen the safety pod’s crash landing, and that they had told no one else as they wished to claim the great prize all for themselves. The Weeping Vipers were the largest tribe in the rainforest and were always looking for an advantage over their numerous and belligerent neighbors. Apparently Kryptus had hoped to gain a modicum of the Divine Engine’s power by extracting something called a ‘gilt helix’ from Rene’s blood.
“Jussht one sample would have shatishfied uss,” Kryptus swore, “Then we would have taken you back to the Loom alive.”
“I’m sure nothing would’ve pleased you better,” Rene said wryly, all too cognizant of Zildiz’s earlier assumption that he planned to feed her to the Fleet’s youth.
Rene learned from Kryptus that the Divine Engine had ignited a blazing wildfire that was swiftly spreading north and west. The tribes would likely have noticed it by now, and would all be sending braves in a joint effort to douse the flames. For some reason all the Leapers felt collectively responsible for the wellbeing of the region, and could not allow it to come to harm for fear of dire repercussions.
“Last question. Is anyone going to come looking for you?”
“Not till the morning.”
“Good!” said Zildiz, breaking out of Rene’s grip and aiming a vicious kick at the side of the Leaper’s head. Rene barely caught her and yanked her back, shouting:
“Blood and thunder, woman! Is there nothing you won’t do to piss me off?”
“Are you insane? You cannot possibly mean to leave him alive!” the Gallivant hissed.
“That’s exactly what I’m going to do. Now come here!”
Rene took her by the elbow and pulled her forward, leaving Kryptus where he lay.
“You promished you would tend to my woundssh!” the Leaper cried after them.
“Don’t push your luck!” Rene said over his shoulder, “Anyone who follows us will meet the same end as your friends.”
He and his prisoner went tramping off into the night, Zildiz raging at him all the while.
“Fool! We will both come to regret that decision!”
“You’re probably right,” Rene had to agree.
“Then why did you do it?”
“For the same reason I’m letting you strut around and screech into my ear. What can I say? I’m a conversationalist.”
Link for all the chapters available here: Engines of Arachnea on Royal Road

I am not the OOP. The OOP is u/ThrowRASadsadboon posting in relationship_advice
Concluded as per OOP
1 update - Medium
Original - 17th February 2024
Update - 23rd February 2024
Previous BORU is here
1 New Update
Update 2 - 15th May 2024
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I (29M) lost my wife three years ago. Started dating again, and new girlfriend (32F) wants to visit my wife's grave.
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I am one of many who lost someone in that damn 2020. She was my world and we had our future all set up, she wanted children too by 2021, and then she was gone.
I felt I had lost all sense of purpose and after an agonizing year, moved away - not too far, but not close either. I didn't feel like I could breathe in that town. Still, every Saturday I get back and visit her resting place.
I just functioned for about two years - I am not depressed or anything like that, but I just functioned. Until I met who we will call Ada last year.
We started talking and hanging out together. She can be a bit haughty with people she doesn't know well but I was surprised to find out how sweet and kind she is under the ice. She gave me something to look forward to again. She likes to do most of the talking herself, which is fine with me because I never know what to say.
She knows everything about my wife, and this didn't discourage her. She knows I am doing therapy and still mourning, but she never left me alone. I asked her to tell me if anything I do or say makes her feel uncomfortable or like she's not a priority - she said that as of now I am doing nothing of the sort. She knows what I do every Saturday morning, and never objected to it. But today she said she would like to "meet her", as in accompany me in visiting her grave.
I feel conflicted about this. On one hand I respect and feel touched by her wish, on other it feels... weird, for a guy to take the new girlfriend where the first wife is buried. How should I approach this? Is it too soon, should I ask her to wait for that?
TL;DR I am a widower who started dating. Girlfriend wants to visit my wife's grave and I have conflicting feelings about it.
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Comments
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jiddlyjidson
Waiting is fine if you are not ready. It feels like she wants to support you in something that was (and am sure still is) pretty traumatic. Joining you to visit isn’t about meeting your wife, it’s about being with you whilst you are still grieving/recovering.
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Inner-Pianist-7628
Came here to say this last part. She genuinely wants to be apart of your life and support you bro. This is actually kind of beautiful. On the flip note it’s totally understandable that you might not be ready though.

OOP: Thank you. I admit that one of my biggest concerns is that I don't want to take advantage of her goodwill, even unintentionally. Her kindness and patience are near infinite, but I told her I don't want our relationship to be all about this, it would not be fair for her. She reassured me she doesn't feel taken advantage of and that I do a lot to make her feel loved and appreciated for who she is, but at the same she recognizes this is a part of me she's willing to accept to be with me.
To clarify, I don't do anything dramatic like talking to her grave or crying my eyes out when I visit. I just keep it clean, water the flowers and replace the dead ones, check the wear and tear on the stone, and clean the glass with her picture.

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Update - 6 days later
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Some additional info and an update.
Some redditors and some people around us were worried that my relationship with Ada is just a rebound. I admit is something that I too was worried about, and Ada told me she didn't have long lasting expectations at first.
We began dating in April 2023, but as things progressed and she saw my intentions are serious and I'm committed, her doubts about me were gone. She says we are made of the same stuff - we are two loyal, committed and hardworking people and she wants a future with me. And so do I. We are looking for a new place to share and I'm looking for the ring to make my proposal.
I admit that one of my biggest concerns is that I don't want to take advantage of her goodwill, even unintentionally. Her kindness and patience are near infinite, but I told her I don't want our relationship to be all about my past, it would not be fair for her. She reassured me she doesn't feel taken advantage of and that I do a lot to make her feel loved and appreciated for who she is, but at the same she recognizes this is a part of me she's willing to accept to be with me.
To my surprise, everyone approves of us - my parents, Ada's parents, and my late wife's mother. We never got any backlash.
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On the update. I talked about this with my therapist. She feels that based on what she knows about Ada and the way she always behaved about this, that bringing her to my wife's grave will probably be a positive thing. So I told Ada that if she feels like it, I'd be glad to take her with me this Saturday. She was happy to hear this, she usually works on Saturday mornings, but said she'd take the morning off for me.
However I had unexpected things come up for tomorrow - I have to cover for a sick coworker, which means I'll be taken all morning and great part of the afternoon. It happens, and when it happens I either go on Friday or Sunday. I decided to go this afternoon (we are in Europe, it's evening here) and asked Ada if she wanted to come along - and she readily agreed.
We didn't talk much during the drive. When we arrived, we made our way to my wife's tombstone and I just said "Well, here she is". I fetched the water for the flowers and start my usual routine, Ada just crouched as if to examine it. Then she just helped me with the caretaking routine, removing the dead leaves and flowers, and cleaning the picture and the light. We then took a walk around the cemetery (might sound weird, but it's not unusual here as many cemeteries double as parks here) then sat outside for a smoke before the drive back.
We talked a bit, and Ada, who's quite the stoic, got a little emotional. She was happy I had let her in on such what for me is a particularly intimate and sacred place, but also shaken because after all the talking we had done of my late wife she subconsciously thought of her as someone she'd want to meet and be friends with, but seeing the grave reminded and cemented the fact that this amazing woman is gone. It was a bit of shaking for me too seeing her tearing up, since she's the most stoic woman I've ever met, but also made me think how this woman is a rare gem.
I don't doubt that in different circumstances, my late wife and Ada would have been great friends. And I'm a very lucky guy for finding not one, but two amazing woman which gave and still give my life meaning every day.
TL;DR I brought my girlfriend to my late wife's grave, and things went well.
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Comments
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TBagger1234
I’ve read so many posts here about people who have lost their partner and their new partner wants them to remove all memory of them as if they aren’t an important part of your life story. Ada is a good one. All the best OP!

OOP: Yeah, I read some of those posts too. Stuff of nightmares.

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grandmasvilla
You are blessed to meet someone like Ada who is kind and understanding. Show your appreciation for her with your love and make her happy for the rest of your life. All the best.

OOP: Naturally, my friend. Making her happy and smile every day is my top priority. She gave me another chance at life.

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Update 2 - 3 months later
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Hello, I hope everyone here is well.
For a couple of months I had forgotten about this account, but I gave it a look the other day and read again all the beautiful comments and some very touching private messages. Again, thank you all for your interest and kindness.
Ada and I are doing well and we have found a place to move in together. If all goes well we'll be living together by July. Last month was the fourth anniversary of my late wife's passing. Ada was with me and held my hand.
I was a bit depressed like I am always am on our anniversaries, but Ada made it better. Sometimes I dream about my late wife, her coming back home, but either she never talks or I never remember what she says. However, when I dreamed her that night, in the dream there was Ada as well and they met each other. She was very happy about us and told me she's happy Ada is there for me when she can't.
I talked with Ada about the dream, and we agreed it's my brain telling me it's okay to move on. I'll always love, honor and cherish my late wife, but now there is Ada who is giving me so much and deserves to be happy, to be loved and honored the way she deserves. And I don't intend to disappoint her.
As an aside, Ada also said that who knows, it could also be the spirit of my late wife visiting me in the only place she can, my dreams. She says we can see like that if we take the spiritual approach. Honestly I wouldn't know, death is one of those mysteries only those who passed have discovered, and they can't tell us.
We are doing well. We have also managed to program our first true vacation together and I was proud to formally introduce Ada as my partner when my company's CEO invited me to dinner with her husband.
It's an exciting new journey and we are thrilled to see where it will lead us. We are a team and we have a game plan.
TL;dr Things are good.
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Comments
BigIronBruce

I talked with Ada about the dream, and we agreed it's my brain telling me it's okay to move on

This is very sweet but I want to caution you that grief is complicated and recovery does not always happen in a straight line. You might sometimes have really complicated feelings of betrayal or heartbreak in the future and that's normal.
It's ok to move on, I'm sure your wife would want that but be careful of interpreting dreams.
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mak_zaddy
I love a great Reddit update. A true palate cleanser.
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I am not the OOP. Please do not harass the OOP.

I'm a 29 year old male and i will try to summarize the horrendous situation I find myself without leaving to many crucial details out. I was with my ex girlfriend for nearly 6 years. The red flags were present fromn the beggining but looking back I had no way to understand what they were at the time partly due to my young nievete and partly due to the fact that coming from a emotijallyabusive household I had normalized many of the more subtle behaviors and therefore they fell within a blindspot of my cognitive distortions at the time. From the very start she would begin punching herself in her own head if i ever became upset with her in any way or during any attempt to verbally work a problem out. I thought she was just a bit flippant and intense. Dare I say I almost found it attractive in a strange sense. She was and still to this day, stunningly beautiful and menacingly seductive and knows how she can have a significant effect on males especially without doing very much in the way of actions. Fast forward she unknown to me at the time discontinued her birth contorll pills while still assuring me she was taking them and ultimetly lied by telling me she had just to fund out she had become pregnant herself after missing a period. We were both in our mid to early 20s still more or less financially dependant on our parents and were living on public city streets in our tow behind rv with our 2 dogs. She was idealizing me and to be frank I remebr this period of time as the happiest iv been eever before and up untill now. This memory of "happiness" I think was the biggest reason it took me so long to finally start trying to advocate for my self respect instead of hanging my head and just ignoring the abuse so that I would get the sweet reward of psedo- intimacy with her a few times a week. Despite my fond memories looking back I see now what could only be described as patterns if coercive control that seriously escalated over the 5 years we were in a relationship with each other and included her beggining to cheat early on and the resulting systemic lies and relational damage from needing to formulate and bend the nature of reality around those lies. Her hot and cold treatment of me with any postive(hot) behavior usually at least in the last few years being exclusively sexual in nature and cold behavior usually manifesting as her stonewalling me and or simply disappearing for multiple days at a time sometimes. The day my son was born i accompanied her to the hospital and sat with her the entire time helped her push ans enouraged her with love. She treated me with indifference and disdain. Once our wonderful little boy came along this a became even worse. The sense that she was making it about him and her vs everyone else including me was strong. She became quite introverted secretive and "cliquey" with my newborn and at the same time seemed to loose all desire to be physically or emotionally intimate with me. (Of course i gave her plenty of time and space right after she gave birth amd was understanding that it might be a while before things were back to normal).it was almost like she had a new partner-our child. she refused to fully move in to the apartment my grandparents had spent a huge amint of money on to give us a chance at raising our soon in a healthy environment. She would start random and seemingly pointless arguments often escalating into her screaming mean things at me innfront of our 3 month old son like she ****ed me and then raging followed by quickly slamming the door and taking our infant son backto her mother's house where she would stonewall me for a few days then send me. A message that emotionally blackmailed me into taking full blame for the rupture and apologizing profusely. In addition she did not trust me with our son but had no reason not too and as a result gatekept him in an extremely overcintrolling and damaging(for him and for me) manner. to this day (he is 3.5] I have never spent the night alone with him and have had him 1 on 1 dad and son time signifigantly less than I should have and not for lack of trying on my part. Despite her overcontrolling coercive sabatoging and alienating actions my son and I formed a loving and beautiful bond that up untill I saw him last a few months ago has amazingly endured through the storm. The tradegy goes on and on but to wrap up ultimitely she purposefully betrayed me by starting a relationship with my good friend and had him suggest to me that he should move in so he became my roommate all the while lying to my roommate that I ht her and simultaneously having him report back to her on my whereabouts at any Givin time and the things I said about her when venting after a prticulringly humiliating attempt to see my son or similar interaction and also give her info about what I was doing during the day. He became quite controlling himself and severed to further isolate me from people that weren't trying to ruin my life. They started to play mindgames with me that ibsee now attempts to gage how much I knew or suspected about what was going on. Mind you my son who was around 2 at this point was privy to the whole thing it was only kept a secret from me and due to this my son was coached to not tell me about it although what was actually said I will never know. Eventually a mutual friend of my roommate and I reached out and told me he had seen my roommate "playing dad" with my girl and son at dollar tree that day. I remebrr that day I sat at a local park in my car sullen and confused having been led on via sms from her only to randomly stop responding and never managing to get any time with my son. This sort of thing had become a regular occurance She then began withholding my son all togethar simply not answering at all or lying about him being asleep ridiculously early in the afternoon etc etc. My own parents failed to suppprt me and are still failing to show any sort of care other than somehwat monitarily. In fact my mom and her were two peas in a pod and my mom activly participated in the emotional abuse partly becauee of being manipulated by her partly because my mother is emotionally abusive. If I had better support or access to court resources at the time I'm confident things would have gone much differently but I was so isolated and lonely and in a deep state of despair at this point and the only thing I still was enduring for was the brief and inconsistent times i got with my boy whom I love more than life itself. I managed to get a hold of her via phone at this point and said i was going to go to court and pursue custody since she seemed unwilling to value my valid role as father. Her mom and her immediately became overly nice and invited me over where they sat me down and offered to make a visitation schedule and kindly suggested I dident go to court. It wasent much but it was signifgantly more respect than I had been shown any instance prior so I gobbled up the manipulations and left feeling invigorated and hopeful. The schedule was never adhered too and within a few days it was back to me not even be able to get a hold of her let alone see my son. The final day I saw him before things blew up I went over to her house in the evening. My son wanted to play hot wheels so we began to line them up on the floor but my ex was hovering over us with a hostile air. I asked if we could have some space or if at least she could sit down and play with us and she just kept standing there glaring at me. This made me uncomfortable and my son noticed this by sayig daddy play with me! Upon hearing this she in a angry tone said "play with your effin kid isent that what you wanted to do soooooo badly" right in front of him. I asked not to be spoken to in front of him like that and she went and got her mom and started whispering abut me to her mom in the hallway while they watched my son and I. I got up and said I'm leaving this is innappropriate and she said "wow that checks out you harrass me to see your son and then you don't even wanna see him. how pathetic and typical" " you just want to stress me out dont you" you don't actually give 2 you know what's about him" right in front of my son again. I speechlessly went to leave and my son comes running after me begging me to wait. I'm on the verge of tears and i picked him up cherishing how warm he was and how lovingly he was clinging to me. I tentatively requested I be allowed to go for a walk with him around the block and her mom this time dismissively says ya go and shoos us out the door. I get down the driveway and my ex comes sprinting out of the house tears streaming down her face and a look of rage and starts hitting me while I'm holding our son. Amazingly he start4d pushing her away saying mommy stop mommy stop. She says you have 5 minutes or I'm calling the cops and goes back in. I walk him around the block and say "mommy's feeling sad right now but it doesn't mean that either one of us loves you any more or any less than we used to and it's absolutely not your fault." I go back inside and without saying anything I walk up to her and give her a hug wich my son joins in too. All the sudden she is happy again and trying to speak to me in a casual tone but I basically just leave without saying much else. After this a week of no contact with my son occurs which at the time was the longest we had gone apart I felt like I had no choice but to confront her and assert my rights AGAIN although looking back I feel terribley silly for thinking she was going to repsect me at that point. Keep in mind i ALWAYS was extrmely respectful of her space and never would just show up at her moms house even though our relationahip by many accounts was more than informal ennough to make an occasionaI drop in to say hi. In addition she on Many occasions had told me that I could just come by if she didn't Answer her phone or simular situation arose. I texted her I was coming by to say goodnight to my son and phrased it as a statement not a question or request. I was already on the way when I sent the message and so I arrived (unintentionally)before her being able to fully respond to it to see my romate come running out of the front door (this is when I first had proof ab about all the stuff I mentioned earlier about their secret relationship) and go hide in the bushes, her poke her head out the door and then shut and lock it and turn all the lights in the house out and close the blinds. I walk up to the door and knock to no avail and so I confront her about what i know and saw via sms. She directly denies all my proof and accusations and then after calling me crazy and a stalker blocks me on all channels of communication. I go back to my car and collapse in tears and ultimtly fall asleep. I wake up to see her quickly shoving a duffel bag and my son into her moms car and her and my roommate get in and she pulls quickly away. Upon passing me on her way to the main road she becomes aware that im still there in my car and she burns rubber and begins driving extremely fast and erratically. In a moment of panic I knew she was probably trying to go into hiding with my son to prevent me from evrr seeing him again and I fearing for the safety of my son and our relationship I regrettably felt compelled to follow. We got on the freeway where she initiatied speeds of 100 plus miles perhour weaving in between semi's and this sort of thing continued d for an hour in the interim I had called 911 and also she had pulled up too a gas station casually got out and pumped gas upon her getting back in the car I witnessed my roommate making derogatory and taunting sexual gestures referring to my ex and also what i can only describe as cuddling with my son in the back seat and became enraged and made some threatening motions with a large wooden shovel handle while standing next to her car that were directed at my betraying friend and I feel terrible for doing in front of my child but in the moment I was so desperate and upset by the psychological torture i had been through it clouded my normally good judgment. In the end the police couldn't locate us due to my 911 call continually being transfered fron highway patrol dispatch back to whatever city we were in at the times dispatch. Also ultimetly no physical harm or even any other attempts happend or anything to anyone of the people involved and eventually I gave up and drove back to my hometown. She immediately filed for a domestic violence restraining order and used a recording she took of me looking aggressive and threatening outside her car as proof im abusive and violent even though i have never been either of those things. Especially not violent. I may not have been the most mature or experienced or attentive partner for some of our relationship but anything I did was truly a far cry from the serious emotional anguish I have ben subjected to here and not abusive. I did not lie, cheat,manipulate, gaslight, trick, triangulate, turn family againts or ever feel superior or entitled to harm or use her in any way. I loved her and she did all those to me and now is trying to steal the most precious thing I have left in the world from me so she can emotionally scar him with her idea of what good parenting is which in truth is emotional abuse.. She moved my old roommate in to her moms house full time the very next day and from what I hear they both are abusing meth and who knows what else currently plus this guy is not somone that is safe around my son to that degree. He is not a healthy safe adult for such a young boy and in addition he is vindictive and dislikes me mostly because my ex told him I hit her and abused her which are absolutely complete lies. I'm facing a situation now where I have to sit by and watch my son turned agsints me and withheld from me and abused and eveyone treats me like im the abuser. I have tried to contact every dv organization in my local area and as soon as they hear what happend it's almost like I can Feel the switch flip and in the moment it's evident that all the abuse that I had recounted surviving through doesn't matter because I'm some "unhinged abusive guy that chases people down the freeway" eveyone I have reached out to locally has invalidated me and berrated me for "what I did" and successfully pathologized what I consider to be a huge mistake that I feel very regretful for loosing my composure but also a rather understandable emotional reaction to severe mistreatment and fear for my son. I'm beggining to feel so isolated riding the emotional Rollercoaster of self doubt and powerlessness that this abuse at the hands of my ex but dare I say worse yet the abuse by way of victim blame and invalidation from these people and organizations that exist to help dv survivors has caused me. which because I reacted I'm not worthy of being included as a survivor. Cn you offer any advice or support or suggestions? I'm terrified for my sons wellbeing currently and haven't been able to see him in going on 2.5 months now clear and to be clear the domestic violence restraining order is still temporary. I have the final hearing in August.i

 I have no idea why, but I finally resorted to come here possibly for some answers or others experience, like I’m begging to that extent. This is my first time experiencing anything is this matter, and it just lives in my head and scares the absolute shit out of me. I haven’t gotten anything clear out of anybody nor does anyone believe me when I tell them. The start of whatever this happened about 2-3 months ago. Me and my sister, let’s just call her M. We was driving home from a gas station that was around 10 minutes away from our house, around 4:30-45 in the morning, which this was the closest place around for anything. I don’t know how to describe it, but we finally got onto our road, and not even 500ft in stands a deer on our side in the road, with beading human like eyeballs that stared us down as we drove by to avoid hitting it. This deer never moved, and gave us a very fucked up feeling. Later, in all honesty it wasn’t but like a week ago, 6 days ago to be exact. It was around 1am, M had just got done with playing some game in my room with her friend. She then told me that she wanted to go to the gas station, just to get a redbull. We got in the car and left, not thinking anything of it, but around the exact same place the last occurrence happened, we come down the road that was kind of like a hill. I was in the passenger seat staring at the road, when I seen a human face with a human like appearance to it about to run out on the road, a few hundred feet in front of us, it scared me to the point of genuinely screaming, but I looked over to M then back again at the place where it was, and there stands an eerie doe, very scrawny with thin legs. We had eventually gotten home, not having any idea what to think about this occurrence, I know we sat at that store for over an hour trying to recollect ourselves. I just do not know how to wrap my head around any of this, it’s kind of messing me up. I’m so tired at this point, I don’t believe I will ever forget this. 

Hello!
I'm here because I've had success with forming a meaningful friendship from this subreddit before- and while it didn't work out in the long run, it's shown me that it is absolutely possible to find that spark here.
In an effort to not waste your time nor mine, I'm not here seeking a casual chat- I want to get to know someone beyond just a few exchanges. I'm here for a genuine connection and conversation.
So, why message me? Good question! I'm rather shy, and modest- so trying to talk myself up is honestly really difficult. Instead, here are some random things about me and if any of it interests you, strikes a chord, or makes you smile, then I probably can, too!

• I live in the south of England but I have lived around Europe previously. I lived for around a year in Lithuania and about 6 months in Austria, and further time living in Scotland
  
• I have a degree in chemistry and a further Master's in Drug Design and Biomedical science
  
• I currently work as an analytical chemist, which sounds more interesting than it actually is with me spending most of my time in a windowless lab testing random chemicals
  
• I've always been a voracious reader. Bookstores make my heart happy. I'll read anything with a good plot. I am currently reading a lot of books on history, but I will pick up whatever random fiction book looks interesting, which tends to be random depressing books!
  
• I will happily eat anything that is highly spicy!
  
• I have travelled quite a bit over the last couple of years with trips to Denmark, Spain, Germany (twice), Austria and Czechia! I am also into photography, mainly architecture and I have put some of the better ones here!
  
• Empire is the best Star War
  
• Last Crusade is the best Indiana Jones.
  

So what now? Introduce yourself, share a photo to I can put a face to the words, tell me 5 random things about you, or 5 things on your bucket list, or the first 5 things you'd do if you won the lotto- or anything at all you'd like to share. Have animals? Show me pics!
Lastly, I know it's hard to take the time to write a thoughtful message on the chance that it may go unanswered. I'm not here for a lot of messages- I'm here for just one, and I know the kind of message that I'm hoping to receive. I don't want to waste anyone's time, so if I don't reply then know that I'm rooting for you to find the person you're hoping for, too!

Me M26 and my now ex F32 have been together and living together for over a year. I know that doesn't sound like a long time but we've been pretty good friends for 8 years before that. I have met my person, I never once questioned that the relationship we had would end. She was the love of my life and I so wanted her to be the mother of my children and be with me for life. I had even started planning the proposal. We had so many plans and both expressed a ton of interest in spending our lives together.
We were planning on buying a house together, Buying a golf cart to ride around our neighborhood to visit all the friends that we made together. We had a family vacation planned in June that we had already paid for. Hell we even almost had a child once and were both so fucking excited. Fast forward to last week. Out of the blue she came to me and said she thinks we need a break... This hit me hard, I was listening to the love of my life tell me that she doesn't know what she wants anymore and that almost killed me.
I told her I just wanted her to be happy and I gave her the space she needed. This lasted 2 days, she texted me while I was at work and said that she missed me and we were going to be ok. She was going to figure it out (Heart emojis and all) I was so happy. My mood was at an all time high since the woman I loved still loved me, or so I thought.
Well on Monday I came home to find her sitting outside. I was happy to see her but I could tell she was not feeling the same. She just came out and said it, She was done... This killed me, I was blindsided and didn't know what to think. She said a lot of things that hurt including the fact that she never loved me from day one (This is either a lie or she faked it super well). I packed a few things and left with some friends as she told me If I stayed it would make things worse. I haven't been home in over a week. I feel like my life is crashing down, the woman I loved told me she didn't love me and to make things worse she thinks I'm going to retaliate. I am not allowed in our home without her present and found out that she changed the locks to the house the day after I left, reminder that we have been friends for 8 years prior to this. She has zero trust in me and I have never given her the slightest reason for her not to trust me. I found out that when I go to get my stuff on Sunday that she is going to have her Dad and Brother there and It just hurts so bad... I thought I loved this woman but in the past couple days she has changed for the worse.
She's treating me like I'm a bad guy and she knows I would've risked my life for her if given the chance. I still lover her and I think I always will but she has played so many games with my emotions I don't know If I could ever trust anyone like that again. I don't know how Sunday is gonna go down and that terrifies me. I feel at this point there is no way I can even continue a friendship with her and she keeps telling me that she doesn't want to lose me as a best friend.
I am lost.
I have to restart my life, a life that I had planned with her and I don't know how I'm going to do that.

Link for all the chapters available here: Engines of Arachnea on Royal Road
Deep in the groaning halls of sinew and bone he awaited his audience with the god. At a wave of his hand the ribs which held up the ceiling contracted, tendons shifting within the pink walls of the chamber as the jagged, calcareous spurs that composed the doorway sank back into the spongy masses of tissue, revealing a passage curving down and out of sight.
Menash stood before the yawning portal and considered eternity. This was no an idle thought: here in the Dawning Chamber, the concept was very real. His father, Yulan, had stood in this exact spot times beyond count. When he was struck down in his prime by the Night Weaver and her Leaper offspring, torn limb from limb as he fought to defend Chthonis from a raiding party, Menash’s uncle, Aqavarr, had carried his broken remains over that grinning threshold to join the hosts of the dead, never to return.
A hot and heavy exhalation rattled up out of the depths, wafting in the acrid scent of the bonding pools and the wet slithering sound of the rebirthing canals. Menash felt a crackle of static in the corners of his mind before the signal sharpened and he heard It whisper distinctly:
“Enter…”
The familiar dread crept its way up the small of his back, and he gave a little shiver. No matter how many times he had communed with the Vitalus, he’d never been able to shake the feeling of his utter insignificance. But he persevered, walking bravely down the slurping passage, past the rows of broad antechambers lining either side of the hallway. Each one held a slumbering shape immersed in a cryogenic bath, towering hulks of muscle encased in ribbed and riveted plates of chitin. No two were alike in size or physiology, but all seemed to emanate the same primeval aura of dread that tickled Menash’s fight-or-flight-instinct, skewing it very much towards the latter response. These were the Hollowores, soulless avatars of the Vitalus, each one a tool capable of eradicating an entire species. As Menash approached, one of the living weapons stirred to life. A pronged, anvil-shaped head emerged from the bath, umbilical feeder tubes detaching from its armored flanks as the rest of its bulk followed, its mauve exoskeleton as sleek and shiny as amethyst. The Hollowore extended legs as thick as grown pine trees and lifted itself above him, its pairs of crushing pincers dripping amniotic fluids as it herded him towards the central room.
Bundles of white gossamer filaments spread all across the floor, encircling steaming pools of pus and acid. He saw arms and legs, sensory organs and entire exoskeletons being knitted before his very eyes, the amino acid chains being stitched on a layer at a time, the weeping pus evidence of microphages fighting off possible infections as the Vitalus did Its work.
These were the next generation of exomorphs, yet to be assigned to their hosts. It was here that Vitalus constantly improved the only thing that could ensure the continued survival of Menash’s subspecies. Exomorphs were bonded to Gallivants at birth, the organisms supplying their hosts with the means to breathe an atmosphere they was never meant to endure, and the strength to fight in a world that was red in tooth and claw. They were as swift as the summer wind and could multiply their host’s muscular power by up to twelve times their natural output.
But for all their God-given might, Gallivants were still mortal. They could and often did perish in the endless struggle for existence that the Vitalus called the Great Game. But even in death they could still commit their essence to posterity, passing down their defining traits through the malleable genetic code of the gilt helix. It was the Vitalus’ greatest boon; through the gilt helix a single individual could become a progenitor of an entire generation, becoming at one stroke the father of whole nations and peoples.
One day he too would prove worthy of the honor that Yulan had earned with his life. But he was not alone in that ambition. Menash was annoyed to find the crimson-clad Vezda and the cowardly Racek waiting for him inside, standing next to a large ball of filaments that hung from a tonsil-like growth hanging from the walls.
This node pulsed, emitting a small storm of bioelectric activity, networks of fungi conveying commands in the form of oscillating voltages to their communities of symbiotic bacteria, the latter containing greigite mineral crystals aligned in the shape of electromagnetic coils. Other networks hidden in the walls modulated and amplified the signals, and the three Gallivants steeled themselves for the onrushing flood of information as the Vitalus tapped into their minds.
He was a candle before the raging heart of the thunderstorm. For an instant Menash touched a fraction of Its intelligence, the divisions of time and space rolling back as they joined the ocean of shared consciousness, becoming one with the living systems of Arachnea. From the tiniest aeroplankton floating above the waves of the golden coastlines, to the herds of ultrapods munching their way through swathes of trees in the savannahs. Menash felt himself pushing up out of the soil, longing and lusting and reaching for the sunlight with a trillion green fingers uncurling, alive with the furious movement of life.
But what was that flicker of orange to the east? That searing heat, that prickling pain spreading like a cancer down his side?
The Vitalus scooped them up and hurled them headlong into hell itself. A roaring wildfire was sweeping into the heart of the eastern rainforests. Menash tasted ash and ruin, felt pieces of himself wither and burn, his branches tongues of fire, wood cracking from the intense blaze, sap boiling instantaneously upon contact and rupturing, splitting him right down the grain. He fled in terror, running, slithering, digging, swimming, flying away in crazed panic from the walls of red death closing in on him. As his skin flaked off in clumps of charcoal he looked back and saw it towering over the treetops, the epicenter of this howling vortex of destruction: the grey behemoth. Its burnished metal hide gleamed like copper, reflecting the fury of the conflagration burning well into the night.
Menash pulled his mind away before it was lost forever in the storm of electric potentials. He saw Racek and Vezda swaying on their feet, breathing hard and fast.
“Heart of the World,” he managed to gasp, “What is your bidding?”
The Hollowore maneuvered itself until it was facing him directly. Tiny beady eyes fixed him in their blank gaze. The node emitted a blue pulse and the creature shuddered as it received the signal. It opened a maw powerful enough to chew boulders into gravel and rumbled:
“This one is the alpha which survived first contact with anomalous variable. It will tell Us what occurred, and from whence this threat emerged.”
“It came from the karst mountain range, where the yellowjacket Amit live,” Menash replied, “It was destroying the largest mound in that area, massacring its inhabitants. It brought the mountain down on them—we’ve never seen anything like it. Zildiz was the first on the scene. She warned us not to approach, and that it was dangerous, but some of us,” here he cast an angry look at Vezda, “Some of us went ahead and tried to scavenge from the bodies of the dying. Then the behemoth ignited the air and burned scores of us to cinders.”
“Irrational. Why did you do this?”
“W-we thought that you had spawned the grey behemoth,” Menash stammered, embarrassed to say the least, “That it was the newest addition to the Great Game, another species of ultrafauna that would help perfect Arachnea.”
“Not so. It was made by an evil far older than the All-In-One,” replied the Vitalus, “It is called a Divine Engine. In cycles past, this evil sought to undo this world and all that inhabit it. In that, it almost succeeded.”
Menash felt his blood run cold at those words.
“Is it the only one of its kind?” Racek piped up. Menash and Vezda both bristled at his interruption; subordinates were only supposed to speak when spoken to.
“There were several deployed here in Our infancy. We had thought them all destroyed in the War of Creation.”
“Your Munificence,” Racek went on, heedless of the venomous looks he was getting from the other two, “Most of us survived because Zildiz persuaded us to dive into the river. She saved all our lives! But as I washed up on the riverbank, I saw the behemoth casting a seedpod into the skies. I did not see where it landed, but it was travelling in a high arc due east. Is this the behemoth’s method of reproducing? If so, then how many offspring can it generate from this one seed?”
The Vitalus met his questions with a minute of silence. Menash had never known It to take so long to respond to a query, and felt another stab of unease in his gut. Unless he was imagining things, the Vitalus seemed genuinely disturbed by the scenario that Racek has raised, enough to convince Menash that the danger was far from hypothetical.
“That is a distant possibility,” It said somewhat cryptically, “Regardless, We cannot allow the Engine’s continued existence.”
“Then it must be destroyed,” Vezda said, her barbed tail eagerly perking up.
“We are not certain that it can be,” the Vitalus said, and Menash heard Racek audibly gulp at the admission.
“But Your Omniscience, you alone are the arbiter of growth and decay,” Vezda said in disbelief, “Surely you can unmake this monster as well?”
“Perhaps. The Divine Engines were built to withstand the extremes of temperature, gravity, atmospheric pressure, acidity and irradiation found on semi-inhabitable exoplanets. Worlds of bareness and desolation, glassed by thermonuclear bombardment or infested with alien microorganisms. In the wars of Our youth, the Betrayers used tungsten-alloy warheads fired from space platforms to crack their bulkheads. Not even Our vessels, the Hollowores, could damage them in any significant way. We will need time to gather the raw materials and fabricate the weapons needed to end this threat.”
“What must we do?” Menash asked.
“If this variable is not dealt with, it could upset the delicate balance We have sacrificed so much to achieve. Already the wildfire it has caused will release close to 400 million metric tons of carbon dioxide into the atmosphere and destroy 2.3 million acres of forest before Our countermeasures can stop it. Time is our limiting factor. If the Engine cannot be destroyed now, it must be restrained.”
“It hasn’t moved an inch since we last saw it,” Vezda said brightly, “Maybe it has already died?”
“Yes, and maybe your mother was a horka toad,” Racek said snidely. Vezda scowled and took a step towards him, then stopped as she remembered that she trod on hallowed ground.
“Not so. It has merely gone dormant. Having expended its fuel, it is now running on the bare minimum of its reserves. My children, you must ensure that it does not wake again. Establish a quarantine zone around the Engine and let none approach, on pain of death. The Leaper kindreds will secure the ground while the Gallivants patrol the skies.”
Vezda and Menash exchanged troubled looks. Nobody wanted Leapers establishing a foothold in what was essentially a buffer zone between their subspecies. Once allowed to settle in a habitat, it would not take long for them to adapt and become masters of their new territory. Ousting them would become a battle of attrition, and given the lower birthrates of Gallivants, it was not one they could long afford.
“Respectfully, we do not require assistance from our brother kindred,” Menash ventured, “We are more than capable of safeguarding the area ourselves.”
The node throbbed again, the bioelectric flashes taking on an angry purple hue. With a sound like the grinding of a millstone the Hollowore clashed its claws together impatiently. All three of the mortals took a hasty step back.
“The alpha will obey, or another will be found that can,” the Vitalus growled at them, “All subspecies will observe a general truce during this period. This is a temporary addition to the Great Game. Those that serve Us well shall be rewarded. We shall also enlist the aid of your terrestrial cousins, as well as the Cataphract clans to replenish the soil, and lone Saints who shall rove beyond the quarantine zone.”
Menash’s unease deepened. The Vitalus was bringing together four different kindreds, some of which killed each other on sight, in a move that reeked of desperation. The kindreds had worked together before, of course, on complex projects such as altering rainfall patterns and husbanding struggling species, but never so many at once. This was bound to end in bloodshed.
“Those that break the truce shall be chemically neutered, and their gilt helix purged from the existing gene pool,” the Vitalus continued, “You will maintain this quarantine until We have dealt with the Engine.”
“It is understood!” Menash and Vezda said at once.
“But what about Zildiz?” Racek blurted out, again risking his entire lineage by speaking out of turn, “She might still be alive out there!”
“He’s right,” Menash found himself agreeing despite his dislike for Racek, “She’s our alpha, after all. It would be a shame to lose her helix. Do we have your leave to send out a party to recover her?”
The Vitalus pondered the request for a moment, then crushed his hopes when it said:
“Regrettable, the loss of the female. Valuable stock for the breeding program. But it has not responded to Our signals—it is unlikely to have survived. The female Vezda shall take up its duties as alpha.”
“But Your Benevolence—” both men cried out in unison.
“It is decided. She has risked the Great Game, and must abide by its outcome. To speak more on this would risk Our displeasure,” the god warned.
“We can’t spare the manpower anyway,” Vezda pointed out, trying not to look too pleased at Its decision. She darted a quick look at Menash, long enough for him to see the selfish desire festering in her heart. He turned away from her in disgust, baring his blades by the slightest of margins to let her know what he thought of her, then asked the Vitalus:
“But what of the Engine’s seedpod? Should we search for it?”
“Negative!” the Vitalus boomed, its node reinforcing the word with a spike of activity that sent needles of pain spearing into their heads, “We shall complete this task. It is dangerous and can be entrusted to no other.”
The Hollowore angled its massive head towards the cavernous ceiling, armored flaps on its back sliding aside as it unfurled sets of rigid sixty-meter wings. A wide sphincter on the roof gaped open and Menash saw the evening sky awash with the stars in their milky multitudes. The Hollowore took a deep breath through the spiracles lining its thorax and abdomen, pumping air through a pair of hollow tube-like protuberances under either of its wings. Menash and the others quickly scampered to a safe distance. Seconds later there was a scream of chemical combustion and the Hollowore rose into the evening skies, leaving behind a long trail of superheated gases, the backwash almost knocking Menash off his feet. They watched as the Hollowore gained altitude, making straight for the columns of billowing smoke on the horizon, a sweeping shadow blotting out the light of the heavens.
The Vitalus’ mental presence receded with it. When it did not return, they took it to mean that they were dismissed and likewise took flight and headed for Chthonis. They were hardly out of the Dawning Chamber when Vezda seized the scrawny Racek by his wings and anchored her feet right up against his back.
“Funny little man, are you? Crack jokes at my expense again, and I’ll see to it that you’ll never fly again!” she snarled, yanking hard. Racek yelled as his wings threatened to pop out of their sockets.
“Stop!” Menash said, ramming his shoulder into her and knocking the smaller male out of her grip. Vezda rounded on him, blades out and her tail aquiver with rage.
“As for you! No one should speak to the Vitalus like that!” she shrieked, “Much less gainsay It! Are you trying to get us all killed? It is the source and continuance of life itself—”
“But the Vitalus doesn’t always consider the individual scale of things,” Menash reasoned, controlling his rising anger as he tried to defuse the situation, “Its scope of thought is beyond ours. Therefore it is up to us to look after each other. None of us can win the Great Game alone. We need people like Zildiz for the species to prosper.”
“Your logic is flawed,” Vezda spat, “Empathy is a sham devised by the selfish action of the gene, which seeks only to preserve itself. At least I am honest enough to look after my own interests. Your obsession with that whore is misplaced. Heed my words, Menash. What happened today marks a change in the Great Game. Only the ruthless will reap the rewards of this era. Think on that, and act accordingly.”
The female darted off in another direction, leaving the two behind.
“Thanks,” Racek said, rubbing at his sore shoulders, “My, my. She’s really taking her promotion very seriously, isn’t she?”
“This doesn’t make us friends,” Menash said shortly, “We share a common interest, that’s all.”
The two flew together in silence for a time, the dark canopy unrolling below their feet. Racek had always been a bitter rival for Zildiz’s affections. In the mating seasons he and Menash had flown the damsel-dance against each other countless times, racing and dogfighting at top speed through the dense bamboo thickets in an effort to impress her.
But each time she had always chosen Menash. Naturally. He was the stronger, the braver, the son of the Scourge who had slain hundreds on his lightning raids into Leaper territory. Their pairings had been brief and passionate, yet she had always laughed at the end and gone on her merry way, a rose petal borne on a scented breeze, the dalliance as meaningless to her as other concerns like eating or breathing.
But not to him. Right now, all that mattered was her. And Racek was the only one in the whole wide world who knew exactly how he felt. Did that mean he could be trusted? Menash considered the enormity of what he was about to do, and wavered. Then he saw her face in the darkness of his home, the face she wore when they were all alone together, and he took a deep breath before breaking the silence, saying:
“I’ll be in charge of the quarantine. I can arrange for you to disappear for a few days. I can have one of the younglings mimic your magnetosynaptic signal, make it seem like you’re with the rest of us.”
“You’d do that? For me?” Racek said in astonishment.
“Hah. Not for you,” Menash laughed softly. He looked Racek straight in the eyes and continued: “What’ll it be, then?”
If he so much as hesitates, I’ll have to kill him here and now, Menash told himself.
“Why, yes. Yes, of course!” the little brown male said vigorously.
“Good,” Menash sighed with relief, “She’ll be very grateful to whoever brings her home. I’d do it myself, but as an alpha I can’t risk being seen as disobedient.”
“Then why give me this chance? After all that’s passed between us?”
“I should have thought that was obvious,” Menash replied. Racek digested that for a bit, then out of nowhere said:
“If I find her—when I find her—I’ll tell her exactly who it was that sent me.”
“That won’t be necessary.”
“Bah! Just so we’re even, that’s all,” Racek grinned, his mouthparts slanting askew.
“Thanks, I guess. I’d…I’d appreciate that. You do understand what we’re risking here, right?”
“Sure. We’ll be total genetic write-offs if we’re caught. But it’s not like I wanted to see tiny ugly Raceks running around the house anyway. What about you, though? Why are you putting your neck on the chopping block?”
“You know why,” Menash said quietly, his thoughts still lingering on her face.
“Yes,” Racek agreed with a wistful air, “Yes, I suppose I do.”
And the pair spoke no more until they reached Chthonis.
Link for all the chapters available here: Engines of Arachnea on Royal Road

My late grandfather has kept a few writings of poetry in Cypriot Greek sung by the natives of Yalya (Γιαλιά), mostly our relatives. Chatismada poetry was mostly sung but sometimes said without melody, in daily interractions, as a means of story telling and for important events (like weddings or at harvesting/threahing time), examples of the first two categories,i have posted before but not of the third. As a result of the attention my last post recieved, i saw that since the last time i visited it the subreddit has aquired some knowledgable members, so i would like to ask a question using the example of the below poem to further illustrate my example. İn my previous posts or comments that made in Greek, i used an orthographic style somewhere in between Greeklish and Turkish trying to use as grammer as correctly as possible, using the afforementioned orthography. One example would be i would use the english "j" or "dj" for what would be "τζ" using the greek alphabet instead of the or using the turkish "ğ" for "γ" , altough this sound is close but not exact as "γ" it is more akin to the silent glossal consonant invetween "α" and "ε" in "αέρα" which i would write as "ağera" instead of the nasal "γ" in "αγάπη". . İ am saying all this because the exteact below is not watered down unlike what i have shared previously and is written completely using the Turkish alphabet and would be almost imposible to decipher, so i would put a trasliteration under every line for this reason i redownloaded Reddit on my phone. The reason i am writing it as it was recorded is that it relates to my question below the poem as it would not make much sense whithout seeing it in its orriginal form. Here it is:
DOBİYİMMAN DİSNİFFİS(Το Ποίημμαν Της Νύφφης)
Ennasasbo miyan fimin neyan (Εννά σας πω μιαν φήμην νέαν) Ennasasbo enan galon biyimman (Εννά σας πω έναν καλόν ποίημμαν) Ofeğos masedogen miyanevloğiyan (Ο Θεός μας έδωκεν μίαν ευλογίαν) Na ehumen myan familyan neyan (Να έχουμεν μίαν φαμίλιαν νέαν)
Ennasasbo miyan alisgân (Εννά σας πω μίαν αλήθκειαν) Ofeğos isdes yenneces din omorsgân (Ο Θεός είς τες γενέτζες την ομορθκειάν) Edogen navrusin efdişan (Έδωκεν να βρούσιν ευτυσ̌άν) Ceda mandilya (Τζαι τα μαντιλιά) Brosdadefgun iyafrobi budin amardiyan (Προστατεύκουν οι ανθρώποι που την αμαρτίαν)
Elada omorfimmu goruğa (Έλα δα όμορφην μου κορούα) Ağeyi digissu bigan (Άε η δικήν σου ποίκαν) Ağeda befgassu sanduca(Άε τα πευκά σου σαντούτζα) Ağeda ğrusafenassu sdolisgâ (Άε τα γρουσαφένα σου στολίθκια) Ceda marmarga su anciya(Τζαι τα μαρμαρκά σου αντζία)
Hade ra omorfimmu goraşa (Χάτε ρα όμορφην μου γορασ̌ά) Aboşeredise yidikissu bedigididan (Αποσ̌αιρετίσε η δικήν σου πεδικότηταν) Edimase donlehossu me aroman (Ετοιμάσε τον λαίχως(?) σου με αρόμαν) Anigse meyeman ibataniyan (Ανοίξε με γιαίμαν η παττανίαν) Ofeğos nasu dogi bolla befgâ(Ο Θεός να σου δώκει πολλά πεθκιά) Cemellicin ağnyan(Τζαι μελλιτζήν αγνιάν)
A little while ago i saw a video on YouTube that talked about the griko language(dialect?) in Southern İtaly and the main thing that caught my attention was the fact that they used the latin alphabet to write Greek in and the manner in which they did so, obviously the orthography was created by a person that was able to use the Greek alphabet, it's main feature was that μου-μας-του etc. Were written adjacent to the noun for inctance "our father" would be written as "ocirimma" or my mother would be "imamammo" . When seeing this the first thing that came to my mind was the records of my grandfather. As a few examples of similarities with the above principle "yidigimmu"(η δικήν μου) could be presented as an example. The thing is Greek written in the Turkish alphabet can be read as entirely different from what it would be using the Greek alphabet, especialy without the use of intonations, while my grandfather had and other relatives that were native Greek speakers don't have the stereotypical Turkish Cypriot accent when speaking Cypriot Greek this i think derives from their proper use of intonation and the ability to use the sounds of θ and ττ(which only exists in a few Turkish dialects) which can be seen from the fact that θ is written as f or s above like in the example of "ofeğos" (ο Θεός). The Greek written in the Turkish alphabet would be uniteligable without a prior knowledge of intonations. This became clear to me when a friend who was trying to learn Greek came to me asking how to know how the accent mark would be placed when writing and when i illustrated the sound difference he wouldn't understand it while it was (mostly) easy for me when i first how to write using the Greek alphabet as i was already well versed in the language as in the above poem it can be seen that those without an intonation merge together like "ceda" (τζαι τα). Making all these points above now i can ask what i want to: How is the written grammar of a language determined when it encounters a writing system, how has the orthography of Greek changed overtime and why is it written in the manner it is and what alphabets has it been written with other than its own throughout history. To me Greek written using the Greek alphabet is superior in its ability to fully transmit what is to be conveyed, is there any pother reason to this other than its richness of letters and the ability to utilise intonation like the interraction of different words with one another?
My other question would be the word lehos, in this case it does not mean throat but was translated to Turkish by my Grandmother as "gerdek" which means the mariage bed, the first intercourse of a maried couple, the below reference of the oppening of a bloody blanket refers to the archaic tradition of showing the villagers blood stained blanket resulting from the bride's hymen being broken during the intercourse prooving her chastidy, this tradition was practiced in Cyprus as it was and still in across Eurasia. İf you know a name for this practice sharing it would be greatly apreciated.Thanks in advance for your patience and wisdom.
With regards.
-RevolutionStandard99

How do I handle my GF (24f) lying to me (24m) about her past with a friend of hers?
I’ve been with my girlfriend for 8 months. She sees this guy once every couple months usually with him and their other friend.
This started because she was sharing locations with one of the guys. So I specifically asked about him. Initially I just asked her “if I’m going to meet this guy I’d like to know if you two ever had a history?” She said no.
3 months later she says “I feel guilty I was never honest with you about them. It wasn’t the guy you were wondering about, it was the other guy. But we just got drunk and made out sometimes.”
Ok that’s fine I just brushed it off it’s not a big deal.
The next day she says “actually there’s more. We didn’t just make out, we used to give each other oral sex.”
There were many times in that three month span that I feel she should have told me. I mean she should have told me at the get go, but she just sat on it. She lied in other ways when they were brought up in conversation. Just more ways to dodge the fact that she was actually involved with this one guy.
I can’t get past the fact that she wanted me to meet this guy, after lying to me about him. I can’t get past her choosing to go entertain him while lying to me about it. And what made her all of a sudden tell me?
Other than this she seems to have been normal, no other lying, and we have been compatible.
What do you think? Thank you

I have been married for almost two years, but with my husband (36M) for over ten.
We've been through a lot together, including a very early relationship unplanned pregnancy and much later on a miscarriage. I have PTSD and chronic depression which was untreated when we met, he has ADHD. We've had issues because of my mental health, such as bed rotting and neglecting the house and low sex drive. He's been unsupportive of therapy or medication, but also told me he was proud of the progress I made due to those things. We have an elementary school and a toddler aged children together.
This past winter there was a situation that called his faithfulness into question, he claimed the incident was not censentual but I reached out to the woman before talking to him and it caused social backlash for him.
He is very private and doesn't like people he works with or encounters socially to know any details about his life. For example he doesn't want folks who aren't his direct coworkers at his job coming up and asking personal questions about me and our kids when he's not friendly with them and they don't know me at all. He's not trusting of their intentions, and I'm not very trusting either so I get it.
He goes out to bars regularly, a friend of his hosts events and it's his social outlet. A couple of days ago he came home and told me that a woman who's a regular bar goer he hadn't seen in a few months stared at him and then when he acknowledged her rattled off his full name, job and company, and possibly something about his family too? I'm not remembering precisely right now. He asked her what she was talking about, she asked him if he had lied to her, and he replied he'd never said those things to her. His friend started to say he was an accountant, and he hushed him to further support that line through secrecy.
My husband was really creeped out that this woman knew his full name and where he works, and pretty shaken by it. He made a comment that we'd need to move and he'd need to get a different job. We live in a smaller city where people act like it's a small town, and are nosy about each other's business and lives. I totally empathized with him about how creepy and overstepping this whole thing was but it doesn't surprise from what I know of people around here.
The following morning he told me to help him because he was spiraling about the whole thing, I didn't really know what to say. Partially because I'm more likely to spiral myself then have the skills to talk someone else down, partially because I don't think anonymity is truly possible in a small town in the online age, and partially because I don't feel I can ask him for emotional support about anything and I'm burnt out on the whole family relying on me that way when I have no one to turn to. I went over the scenario again and reaffirmed my empathy but I didn't really know what else to add. I asked him what I could do for him. He didn't know. After that he left briefly, then went out into the woods with an ax to vent some frustration presumably, and left again and returned with some beer and drank a few.
He later told me not to touch him when I tried to be physically reassuring. I respected the request and gave him space. I told our oldest to give him space so she wouldn't tackle him not knowing his mood and have him errupt at her, and he kind of isolated for the day. He helped me with a few things with the kids and when I came in to thank him he said they're his kids too and again asked me not to touch him. He asked him a few times throughout the day how or if I could help him. He slept on the couch that evening, and the following day told me he wasn't doing well but didn't want to talk. And gave him space again and tried to get him to eat dinner which he refused, I slept on the couch to give him space that night.
This morning he got up and dressed and sat staring for a minute before throwing a couple full beer cans into the next room and ranting at me. He told me he felt like he was in the house with the enemy, blamed me for letting these stalkers in the back door, and giving them a footing during the infidelity incident. He said he can't go out and see his friends anymore. He asked me if I was going to get a job paying what he makes, and threw me staying home with the kids in my face saying he's asked me to work before which isn't exactly true though I have worked when it's been needed. He told me he thought about ending things and the kids were the only thing keeping him in the home and on this earth. He told me I couldn't fix it.
He left for work and I just feel numb and confused. I'm by no means perfect, and I could never say I'm a perfect wife, but I don't understand how all the blame for all this is on me. I don't understand how I'm responsible for his social issues when I'm not the one who kissed someone else, and I didn't tell this woman anything.
I don't know what I can do. I don't know if him saying I can't fix it means our marriage is over. Obviously I don't work, or have much recent job experience, and I don't have a car or childcare to go start and get myself out of this situation. I'm socially isolated, no friends or family, so I don't have anywhere I can go stay for a while. Any reassurance or advice would be appreciated, obviously there's a lot of detail over the years of a relationship I can't include in one post, and I only have my own perspective. What do I do? I feel like I've completely failed as a wife and mother.
TL;DR My husband had some rando tell him they knew personal information about him and after stewing a couple days he blew up at me and effectively told me it's my fault and I can't fix it.

49F moved from NYC to MX in 2021, I had a relationship for 2.5 yrs with a Mexican whom I met through an app 6 mos after I arrived. We split in January after he seemed to stop being sexually attracted to me, which was a hit to my ego.
Tonight, I have a first date with a guy I met on the same app, I'm all nerves, for a number of reasons, and I'm trying to calm myself and get myself into a good headspace to enjoy my date.
I haven't been on a first date in three years and I'm still feeling a bit insecure about myself from the rejection in my last relationship.
My Spanish is not great (I spoke English with my last partner) and I am a bit of a perfectionist, so I hate doing things I am bad at but I also want more than anything to master Spanish, so for years I have been trying to learn and speaking Spanish with a partner would be a gamechanger.
This guy's English is limited and we've been texting in Spanish, I know I will have to speak Spanish tonight and I'm bound to make loads of comical errors.
Dating is such a vulnerable thing and layering on speaking in a 2nd language has me wanting to cancel altogether.
I keep telling myself it doesn't matter and after this date, I can go off the apps and just chill and focus on the new house I just bought but still I need to go. What's the worst that can happen?
How do I relax?

Hello!
I'm here because I've had success with forming a meaningful friendship from this subreddit before- and while it didn't work out in the long run, it's shown me that it is absolutely possible to find that spark here.
In an effort to not waste your time nor mine, I'm not here seeking a casual chat- I want to get to know someone beyond just a few exchanges. I'm here for a genuine connection and conversation.
So, why message me? Good question! I'm rather shy, and modest- so trying to talk myself up is honestly really difficult. Instead, here are some random things about me and if any of it interests you, strikes a chord, or makes you smile, then I probably can, too!

• I live in the south of England but I have lived around Europe previously. I lived for around a year in Lithuania and about 6 months in Austria, and further time living in Scotland
  
• I have a degree in chemistry and a further Master's in Drug Design and Biomedical science
  
• I currently work as an analytical chemist, which sounds more interesting than it actually is with me spending most of my time in a windowless lab testing random chemicals
  
• I've always been a voracious reader. Bookstores make my heart happy. I'll read anything with a good plot. I am currently reading a lot of books on history, but I will pick up whatever random fiction book looks interesting, which tends to be random depressing books!
  
• I will happily eat anything that is highly spicy!
  
• I have travelled quite a bit over the last couple of years with trips to Denmark, Spain, Germany (twice), Austria and Czechia! I am also into photography, mainly architecture and I have put some of the better ones here!
  
• Empire is the best Star War
  
• Last Crusade is the best Indiana Jones.
  

So what now? Introduce yourself, share a photo to I can put a face to the words, tell me 5 random things about you, or 5 things on your bucket list, or the first 5 things you'd do if you won the lotto- or anything at all you'd like to share. Have animals? Show me pics!
Lastly, I know it's hard to take the time to write a thoughtful message on the chance that it may go unanswered. I'm not here for a lot of messages- I'm here for just one, and I know the kind of message that I'm hoping to receive. I don't want to waste anyone's time, so if I don't reply then know that I'm rooting for you to find the person you're hoping for, too!

Hello!
I'm here because I've had success with forming a meaningful friendship from this subreddit before- and while it didn't work out in the long run, it's shown me that it is absolutely possible to find that spark here.
In an effort to not waste your time nor mine, I'm not here seeking a casual chat- I want to get to know someone beyond just a few exchanges. I'm here for a genuine connection and conversation.
So, why message me? Good question! I'm rather shy, and modest- so trying to talk myself up is honestly really difficult. Instead, here are some random things about me and if any of it interests you, strikes a chord, or makes you smile, then I probably can, too!

• I live in the south of England but I have lived around Europe previously. I lived for around a year in Lithuania and about 6 months in Austria, and further time living in Scotland
  
• I have a degree in chemistry and a further Master's in Drug Design and Biomedical science
  
• I currently work as an analytical chemist, which sounds more interesting than it actually is with me spending most of my time in a windowless lab testing random chemicals
  
• I've always been a voracious reader. Bookstores make my heart happy. I'll read anything with a good plot. I am currently reading a lot of books on history, but I will pick up whatever random fiction book looks interesting, which tends to be random depressing books!
  
• I will happily eat anything that is highly spicy!
  
• I have travelled quite a bit over the last couple of years with trips to Denmark, Spain, Germany (twice), Austria and Czechia! I am also into photography, mainly architecture and I have put some of the better ones here!
  
• Empire is the best Star War
  
• Last Crusade is the best Indiana Jones.
  

So what now? Introduce yourself, share a photo to I can put a face to the words, tell me 5 random things about you, or 5 things on your bucket list, or the first 5 things you'd do if you won the lotto- or anything at all you'd like to share. Have animals? Show me pics!
Lastly, I know it's hard to take the time to write a thoughtful message on the chance that it may go unanswered. I'm not here for a lot of messages- I'm here for just one, and I know the kind of message that I'm hoping to receive. I don't want to waste anyone's time, so if I don't reply then know that I'm rooting for you to find the person you're hoping for, too!

Background; my mum is an alcoholic and has been my whole life, she made me homeless multiple times as a young adult and as a young mother, she completely disregarded me and my children in our time of need. She has also rang social services on me with a load of lies and malicious intent multiple times. I have created a beautiful life for me and my children in a home full of love and laughter. On the day my daughter was born, she ran off and got drunk in a ditch because they wouldnt let her into the hopsital as i was in a seperate room as i had an emergency c section. One month before my son was born, she punched me in the face. She continues to emotionally neglect us, but I know it's the Alcoholism so I still try to maintain a relationship with her. My mum and dad had been separated for a few years before his death, but were still kind of on and off. As I was by his side in the days leading up to his death, she would send nasty messages which he wasn't able to read, she sent nasty messages to my dad's family on the day of his funeral which she wasnt allowed to attend. She has a victim mindset and refuses to acknowledge or take responsibility for how she contributed to all the turbulent relationships she has had.
My mum has a neighbour who moved in less than a year ago, this neighbour is a young single mother who has got herself out of a bad situation and is still getting her life in order. My mum gets distressed because she can hear her shouting at what my mum assumes is her children. My mum rang social services, housing and the police on her before she had even introduced herself to her. They first met face to face when there was an issue with a joint drain overflowing and it turned ugly, with the girl knocking on my mums door being defensive as she now sees my mum as a threat due to her calling everyone which could have potentially resulted in her losing her home and children, my mum slammed the door in her face. I couldn't stand my mum being in a state of distress without trying to help, so I introduced myself to this girl after the school run as our children attend the same school, just so she can associate my mum with me, a friendly face, and so I could step in if needed. I cut my mums hedge and I couldn't reach the top on her side, so I knocked on the door but there was no answer, i found her on Facebook and asked if she would like me to do her side; she declined as she wasn't in but appreciated the offer. Since then, I have had messages from her regarding the disputes between her and my mum and I have tried to stay unbiased and help keep the peace. This girl is exactly where I was less than 5 years ago, just overcome homelessness and abuse, traumatised and trying to fix her life with no support. I really see myself in her and i have so much compassion for her and her situation. I have shared the things that helped me find peace in my own mind and by extention, create a peaceful loving life all round. My advice must have helped as my mum said she didn't hear anything at all for half a week when before it was every single day. But then my mum decided not to cut her side of their shared front garden. I asked my mum how much ot would have cost to do it and she didnt want to tell me. I asked was it a pathetic amount and she said yes; it would have cost £5 extra to do it. I said you have done it out of spite and that's wrong. If you can take a little bit of stress off of a struggling mother than £5 is worth it. She asked me to not talk to the girl anymore and I said I'm not going to stop being kind just because you are choosing to be angry. She then blocked me and we haven't spoken for 2 weeks, except when she unblocked me to send me more abuse and then I blocked her. I haven't spoken to the neighbour either until 2 days ago where she told me my mum has been screaming through the walls that she has called social services again. The neighbour told me the social services have been in contact again. My nan has told me that my mum hasn't done it, but I don't believe her at all because she done the same to me and then tried to deny it but soon admitted it was her because I knew for a fact it was her.
I've taken myself out of the situation as my efforts of keeping the peace were obviously wasted and the only positive impact I had on this situation was I helped this girl feel that she has a choice of peace and love when all she has known is trauma and abuse. Another positive thing is I have realised so much of my energy was wasted on being sad that my mum doesn't love me (or show that she loves me) and now I am emotionally available to be overwhelmed with love and awe for my own children.
Am I the asshole here?