Hey, I know, did something I shouldn't have. I caught feelings for you. And perhaps worst of all, I let you know how I felt. Unfortunately for me at least, you saw me not that way or at least you weren't ready according to you. And that's fine.
But then came the distance. I see you slowly back off. Something I feared would happen even before asking you to a date. The destruction of our friendship and ultimately the loss of another friend. I hate this and honestly I never wanted to have a crush on you. It just happened. And you're incredible, so who wouldn't.
I don't know what to do or honestly how else to approach this pain except just letting you go instead of trying to make you stay in my life like I tried to do once. I mean I already tried talking to you about the distance you're putting up and you assured me that we were okay. Even now it hurts and sometimes I do feel anger brewing within me for that lie of us being okay when we actually aren't. If you want me out of your life, say it to me and I'll leave in 5. Yeah it'll hurt but at least I won't feel phased out.
What scares me is letting other people in. Would I ever let myself be vulnerable again? I truly don't know. But I hope I have enough strength and I really do hope you have a great life ahead. You're an incredible person and I'll always see you that way.
I hope you're okay, Everlight.

When it comes to controlling my diet is that you shouldn’t start looking at new snacks to eat or fast food restaurants to go to… I started off liking a certain brand of chocolate chip cookies and would buy them every so often. But then one day decided to try something else… to try a new brand of cookies, a new type of sandwich, a new food store… why?! I never had to do that. I never had to get curious or try something new. The old addiction was enough. I never needed to add more addictions to it. More types of cookies to obsess over and crave. Yet another restaurant I have to make excuses for not entering as I pass it on my way home almost every day. Years ago that same restaurant was never of interest to me. Others would talk about it and it just never appealed to me. Now after getting into it, just trying it once, obsessing over it, it’s another item on the list of things to avoid. Before, it was a faceless nameless hole in the wall. The food isn’t even that good. But yet I’m comparing it to XYZ other restaurants. Can you even put a price on food? Food affects your health, your mind, your addiction centers in your soul. Just because it’s cheap doesn’t mean I should go for it.
This sandwich is cheaper than the other. Dump them all. Forget them all.
Do you want pimples all over your face and back and body?
Does it make you happy to feel bumps on your once-smooth skin yet again? To see yet another red bump bulging out from your chest. Ready to greet the world and let them know the gluttony you partake in regularly. Go ahead, embarrass me. The bulging stomach wasn’t enough. The frantic eyes lusting for another candy, another huge sandwich, another meal, another bite… something that goes into my mouth and disappears. Sits in my belly for hours and hours. Makes me unwell and unhappy. The excess eating. The eating of poor foods. The obsession. What will I eat now? What will I eat next? I want to eat another muffin. The first three weren’t enough. But they very well were enough. More than enough. I didn’t need a single one of them. Yet I find it so hard to quit.
Is there a monster inside me aching and itching at my brain and skin saying feel me now? The addiction of the food lacks thought process. My hands and mouth are hijacked. I never get a chance to sit and think about what I’m going to eat. One moment I’m hungry for some bad food. The next thing you know, time flies and I’m before the counter coughing up wads of cash. My feet are racing. Got to get to safety. Got to get home. Scarf down this animalistic food. It’s an animalistic urge. Food will solve all problems. Unhappy? Cookies. Worried? Bacon sandwich. Tons and tons of cookies. Right down the mouth hole.
Think twice. Ponder. Reflect. Why am I eating this yet again? It doesn’t help me nor the poor people around me. I wasted money I worked hard for just to toss it down the drain. The what I treat as a human garbage disposal because it’s hijacked by a monster that demands to be fed constantly. Day in day out.
I made a pact to throw out my bad food and only eat good food. It didn’t last. Why? Because I’m too hungry.

So I have been running a game for a year and a half, we are a party of 7 and everyone loves it. There is one player who has caused a lot of issues but I am really unsure of what to do and need some advice.
The first issue came with her being very into the game inside and outside, at first I thought this was great! But then it started to verge in instability, if something went wrong for the character she would start getting upset out of the game. She wanted to do a romance with one of the other PCs, but she was so distant with the party and kept creating a divide/conflict between the PCs. So the PC in question told her out of game he didnt want to pursue a romance with that character, so she continued to go a bit of the rails, crying and became very confrontational with the player and also with me as DM (even though I didn't have much to do with it). She has said I often sound like I am talking down to her (I really do try to be as nice as possible) and patronizing but that she is jealous of my ability to be confident? I really dont know how to navigate any of that, as for me DND should be a game of friends who cheer each other on, not being cruel to others behind there back. But I let the above go and moved on. its important to mention the other party members also see her as an issue and get upset the way she talks/treats me. She often says I rush things along in game (we have had 8 sessions in a row of RP) and she also told one PC that I don't put in as much work as what others assume I do (even though I definetely put in loads of extra time).
She constantly tells the party she wants to be anywhere else (her character) and that she has no choice but to be with them, so I have offered her character the chance to leave and I have no idea if she is going to go down that path or not. Last session the party left to go to the Abyss for a few days for a side quest that is a major backstory plot for another party member, she has decided (retrospectively) not to go with the party and instead miss 4 weeks of sessions, what I think is a very selfish decision considering its a party game (I offered her the chance to have a new character for the month and she said no).. Its not even a case of her not wanting to be in the game, because she is very focused on it and makes loads of art about it etc, but I feel her expectations of others are damaging and unreasonable, and the selfish choices she makes in game disrupt the party. She also gets drunk most sessions these days and then becomes very snappy and rude in game.
I am just stuck now, I know I should talk to her about these things but she is very unstable and I dont want to trigger another breakdown, she is clearly fairly emotional when it comes to dnd. If I ask her to leave she will be SO upset and if I leave it she is only going to get worse and make things harder for the party and me.

https://preview.redd.it/ttezfqrcct0d1.jpg?width=3840&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=da4665eae779d0963612cd7085f3c1b69bc5612d
I'm sure this has come up a million times, but I was doing my best to avoid spoilers for the ending. I knew the broad strokes. There's a "bad" ending, and I knew about the unmoored world and stuff like that. But I managed to avoid too many specifics.
Anyway, so the dragon offers me the choice: should I stay or should I go? I thought, well obviously walking away is the fabled "bad" ending, so I did that and sure enough: bad ending. So I reloaded and went back to the dragon. The other choice was to fight him, but then I remembered duh, I have that special sword in my inventory that I was supposed to give to Phaesus or whatever his name was. I haven't used that yet, so that must be what I'm supposed to do. Stab the dragon with it I guess?
So I pull up inventory, the click "use" and it the options are to use it on myself. So I think ohhhhhh, I get it now. You stab yourself and then that leads to the unmoored world and you don't actually fight the dragon. But then...use wakestone...what? Well, I don't want to click "no" and do it all over, so I used the wakestone. And then I'm right back in front of the dragon. No new dialog. The dragon's not like, "whoah, dude you just killed yourself right in front of me. That was crazy, huh?"
So then I thought that I must have to use the sword on myself somewhere else. But it appeared my only other option was to fight the dragon. So that's what I did. And boy was that a dud of a boss fight. My pawns did al the work. I did hit it with the big ballista. And then I spent the rest of the fight running around that stupid arena just trying to get to the goddamn dragon. Anyway, the dragon's health gets down and then...the fight just ends. I swear it wasn't even out of health yet.
Then I get the little scene where you walk slowly to your throne and sit on it and the credits roll and then nothing happens so I get back up and walk to the door. Then the game ends and I'm offered the choice to start my game over with all my stats and stuff. And boy does the game really hammer you with "are you SURE you want to start a new game?"
I know I can google this, but since I'm in this sub almost every day, I figured I'd ask here. What did I miss? What did I do wrong? Clearly you're supposed to use the sword on yourself. But when and where? I was really hoping to get the unmoored world and access to all the new goodies. Did I miss something in the game that was hinting at where exactly I was supposed to stab myself? Am I just an idiot?
Started my second playthrough and already breezing through the missions. So I guess I can work on some badges and try alternate quest outcomes, but I don't think I have a 3rd playthrough in me so I want to make sure when I get back to the ending again I do the right thing.

I am a competitive swimmer and the stress has been starting to get to me. Recently I have been training more than ever ( 7 days a week ) and I found my mental health and motivation getting worse. My coach is tough on me and tells me to suck up the pain, even when I hurt myself or when Im sick. The pressure from others is also eating away at me. Not to mention how my friend is made to compete against me, and not in a friendly way ( she's my coaches favorite and always gets personal training ). My physical health has also been going down, my immune system is weak and Im getting sick, and I wake up every day to immense fatigue and pain. I also somewhat feel imposter syndrome, I qualify for meets and championships, but I cant help feeling like Im not worthy, or I suck. Have you ever felt this, what can I do.

Still in my heart, it’s hard for me not to be sentimental and still pour my heart out and call her the most beautiful person ever. but I know that at the end of the day, we are both just normal people trying to balance our reasons to both leave and stay with each other. For context, I broke up with her right before our 6 month anniversary right after my birthday. The challenges of becoming long distance did not add to the list of underlying problems between us. Honestly, I tried to break up at 5 months, because I knew my birthday was coming up and didn’t want to lead her on or blindside her. But despite my intentions and attempt, she pleaded with me to hold on and stay until she visited me and I gave in and stayed that extra month knowing better.
The relationship ultimately failed because we no longer reached the point of compromise, and it is both our faults the relationship failed. I will try my best not to villainize the person I used to love on the internet, but in short, to me she needed reassurance in a way that placed a strain on my security in us and it strained our relationship. She told me that when we started dating that she did have some anger issues and was still haunted by some problems in her first relationship. Honestly, a lot of things what a lot of people considered red flags and things they wouldn’t let any friend do to them. But I wasn’t perfect either and I never had the heart to tell her what she was doing was hurting me until it was too late, and I enabled and pulled myself apart trying to give her the reassurance she wanted until it was too much and thought I could ofc change her . Eventually, one night I got so hurt after giving my all, and I broke down. She had only ever apologized to me after hurting me so much, and she promised to never treat me like that again. But people are hard to change, and the same issues kept happening and I could feel myself losing hope in both her and us. It was eating me alive, and I knew I had to be the one to walk away, because she told me she could never walk away from someone she loves. It hurt even more knowing that I was main person she depended on the most since moving, but I knew it was an insult to her to become the great person she’s meant to be if I didn’t believe she could find herself and new friends and continued to stay because of that. Despite her attempts to say we should just take a 1 month break, we both have talked that if we ever got to the point where we considered a break, we should just call it. It ended up with me hanging up on her for taking my feelings and desire to break up seriously. The following morning we texted and agreed that our doors are closed for now and Scott Street’d each other.
But despite all the relationship advice and reddit posts that say its NC no matter what and that they aren’t thinking of you, I had always planned to reach back out to her in a month of NC after finishing my classes and figuring my feelings out more first. In my situation, I still feel like it is right to communicate after a bit of time rather than pretend that we never happened. I never expected it to be her because I was the one who broke up. It wasn’t easy. To many of you wondering if the dumper ever thinks of you, I placed away a lot of the stuff she gave me for my birthday, but I still can’t put away the picture frame she made with pictures of us. I put all our pictures in a hidden album but I will still look through them at night. I binged watched countless sad poetry tiktoks. I got sad seeing her contact name that I couldn’t change slowly move down under other names. I listen to all our songs, cried so many times and thought of her almost constantly for the first two weeks especially. I still typed but never send good night messages to her at the usual time we talked at night, and hoped to see she was typing too. I would play the mobile game she introduced to me and I played more hoping to catch her on there. I never saw her. The first week was especially rough. I wanted to share so many achievements and events with her during the month, but I kept strong when in truth I would throw all of my dignity to take her back if she asked within the first two weeks. Even though she was a burning house, she felt like home to me.
I had planned several conditions prior in breaking NC: First, I would ultimately respect her response, whether it is an answer or no answer. She doesn’t owe me anything. Second, I had to first work on myself and only contact her after I finished up the school semester and start finding myself again. Third, I can only contact her when I am relatively secure in my breakup decision and not in a state where I was missing her more than usual. Fourth, I would write out and remind myself why we broke up and avoid getting sentimental and reminiscing to avoid getting my heart swayed like always in both respect of my decision and her sake. I will ask her if there’s anything she would like return to me and just have one last talk between the both of us if there are any unspoken words left to be said. This is especially important because my heart is fickle and I was the one who threw it away, and I respect her too much to expect her to take me back and have respect for myself to not go back on my decision. Lastly, this is where is it especially selfish of me. Even though it was an unconditional gift, I still wanted to pay her back with a birthday present early. Even though I know it is breadcrumbing, I selfishly want to give a gift to her, but I don’t want to do it in August rather than we are months into moving on. I’ll talk to her about it, and see how she feels about it before I decide to rip this band aid off. If she doesn’t want it, I won’t bother.
Here is how it went. I texted her if she comfortable enough to talk first of all. 10 minutes later, she responded about what and I basically explained that I wanted communicate after sometime and see if there’s anything left to be said between us and apologize for the night I hung up on her. She said she was never mad about me hanging up and we agreed to talk the following night. We exchange awkward “how have you been” and I explain that I wanted to talk about our feelings and thoughts in the past month. I was honestly in my heart, I still have a lot of attachment for her and was trying my best to run back into that burning house, but in my head I know that we could only start again as strangers and that 1 month is not enough time for us to both change as people. She said she wants us to meet again by chance but I said I don’t us to wait on each other to grow, and that we both don’t chance to make us work and that if we wanted it to work, we would make it work. She agreed. We caught up on things that happened and left off on. I told her about getting an A+ in my class, and she told me about the dance classes she started going to. It honestly felt like we picked up where we left off but without the certain words like “baby” and the L-word. We talk about the concerts we had planned. She told me that she didn’t have any hate for me at all and doesn’t blame me for hating her. I told her that I could never hate her even though she did hurt me. I apologize that I wasn’t strong enough and apologize for all the pain I did too. We talked about the clothing hauls we just had and we laughed at myself for my latest haircut that I didn’t like and I knew she wouldn’t like either. I told her that I know her enough that she doesn’t want someone who is scared to love her, and she agreed. We caught up about work, and she told me that she is fully remote now, and I laughed and countered that I get 2 hours off early on Friday at my in-person job because it’s Employee Appreciation month. I told her I’ve been reading the book she gave me for my birthday, but it is laughably stereotypically Asian even though it’s a good read. I told her I put away most of her stuff in the closest and she did too. She said I should take down the picture frame she made because she could tell I was still looking at it through Facetime. She told me she found a letter I wrote and she cried reading it and I told her I did the same. I told her I haven’t even touched the crochet kit I bought and she told me she returned hers after failing to make a loop. I told her that I wouldn’t have changed and a thing and she said she wouldn’t either. We ended up getting sentimental and reminiscing. We laughed at the coping we had both done like stalking each other’s Linkedin and Spotify despite unfollowing each other on social media. She uploaded our pictures on Google Drive and deleted our messages but restored them once she realized she could redownload them. She told me she deleted the phone game she showed me because she didn’t have a reason to play it again. I asked her if this is the last time and she said maybe. I told her that I wouldn’t change a thing and she said she wouldn’t either. She just wished we started off as friends longer. We cried, laughed and talked for 4 hours. It was getting late. We both were afraid of falling asleep together on call again. It felt like we were both waiting for the other to say it what was both on our minds and hoping the other felt the same, but it felt like it would be so easy to light it back up, but we both knew better than to rush back in. I told her that I wasn’t feeling strong anymore and to also not take me back if my heart folds. She said she wouldn’t. I told her that we should hang up but I say I honestly don’t know if I can and she said she’ll end the call at 3 on her side. We both say we miss each other and she hangs up.
Do I regret it or like it interrupted my healing? Not really. Last night was bittersweet. She still the same person I loved and that’s the most tragic problem. I told her that we shouldn’t wait for each other, but I lied and do truly do hope we meet again by chance again. I know this feeling might change with time, but for now, I do still care for her and I still wish the best for her and I know she will become a great person. I know I’m still holding on, but I am glad we talked and can continue on being the best person I can be. I do feel like there will always be a part of me that will grieve losing her love and being the person who walked away. I still do worry about her but I know she’ll be ok.

TL;DR; This is a sample summary of the TLDR rule, all things are bold. Is this going the right way?.
Hmm hey reddit m new here nd don't know much about stuff but I don't have any frnds to share what I am actually going through so thought of just dumping it here m just another 12th grader
It all starts from 10th grade where I was a very avg student but kinda interested in economics and stuff so obv wanted to take commerce but parents being parents gave me the baton for science coz ' Ghar me kisi ne commerce ni liya hai ' I said them I couldn't but they dint hear me so started off with the most hectic schooling in a very strictly JEE oriented coaching centre where for the first 3 mnths I dint realise what was happening sat there at the first bench wondering what I am doing here nthg went thru my head rather a bouncer until I got some stability in the 4th month started off kowith covering the stuff I had backlogged I came across a girl prepping for her neet examinations I unknowingly started liking her she wouldn't come online until late night so got my sleep schedule fucked until n unless in November I finally asked her out where she made a joke off what I had done for her like everything that broke me down but the fact that she had made a fun out of me helped me move on a little bit 1st year got over and since it was a coaching centre I dint give no exams for 11th
12th grade Where I was okish with the whole thing and it was kinda getting better for me to start off with things I had a small frnds group in which a guy we call him 'jawline' had a crush on a girl say ' green ' for the past 2 yrs now ( since starting of 11th) I got back in rythm to study trying to cope up atleast for the 12th boards until in second or third week of 12th grade I met green causally walking home after a Sunday exam we talked and kinda vibed to the way I spoke and the way she reacted we grew to be good frnds. Jawline in the meanwhile was insecure coz I could potentially steal her crush but I just talked normally and she was on with it and dint have any kinda interest in the guy who she had told about it in the very very beginning clear and cut that I like u as a frnd but nthg more than that at jawline instead changed his frnd circle to hers to get closer to her there was a giraffe a snake a horse and green. Green and giraffe were kinda good frnds since 6th grade so it was more elike bro sis so I was fine with it snake was bestie of green and jawline had made good frnds with her to uk get to know about green more.
Cut to July where me and green started to have a good chemistry we talked long hours in class but she had to give the time to her frnds too I dint mind it and this was a eye cracker for jawline he started conspiring against me since then moving to August we both knew we had smthg for each other August was when we had a event in the school and had to prep for it jawline was an amazing guitarist but equally better of a singer was me so it was always a competitive thing to get more audience ig he tried and convinced her for a musical performance on stage in front of 760+ PPL but school said only 1 such big singing performance would be allowed and dances were usual out frnd circle the remaining ones prepared for the best dance the school would see in the mean time green with her female frnds planned a dance too I was given the job to mix and master their tracks for performances and did it cleanly Augusts second last week where we had to stay for long hours to prepare the dances and singing The singing had now become a band of 3 guitarists 2 singers (lead) and 1 drummer and 1 cajon player. I danced for 3 hrs and then sang my lungs out for the remaining 2 hrs of the day where she would merely find time to prepare for the singing it kinda pissed me off so I confronted saying ' mere liye time nahi hai kya ?' jawline heard it and was pissed he told me on the face that ' it was my plan for the music why poking your nose ' I told alr I'll be out of it but green stopped me and told jawline in the face that she wanted me there else she wouldn't sing either jawline now knew that things had gone out of his hands Cut to 2 days before the event I was tired in the room everyone packing their stuff up for the last trial for the day she came and saw I was tired offered me some water we drank from the same bottle yea kinda kiddish but jawline was again offended he went upto my frnd and told ' doesn't he know I like her since the start of the year why has he been trying on her lately' frnds came back to me and told ki don't, leave her alone else it's gonna be a dispute but hey I wasn't the only one it was a two sided stuff Again to the trial room we finished our performance and all about to leave me green and potato ( my frnd) were sitting in the room idk what went through my head I pulled her chair close to mine potato dint give a fuck so yea She was all red and tired I went close brushed the hair on her face to the back uk what's coming but no I dint kiss her instead told her not so early I saw the look in her eyes where she was totally sold the while I was near her jawline saw he went bangers he shouted at me 'what u doing' I said 'nthg what's bothering you ' he walked out in brisk pace nothing followed But the conspiracy of ßnake giraffe and jawline continued
Event The day of event I reached the school early looking absolutely hot ( ngl I was ) she pulled up in a stunning green saree he lipstick was kinda off so I j wipped it off and snake was offended and told u don't need to do that she can do it on her own green gave me the ( you shouldn't care about her ) look clearing off I sat in the bus with equipments and the institute being the institute pulled a all girls and boy separate move but snake (girl) giraffe and horse with jawline sat with green in the female bus Reaching the destination wedding unpacked the stuff got it settled backstage Ready for my performance with the boys to be the show stopper before lunch and rhe call back band performance after lunch Out went well boys and threw a absolute banger the crowd went nutssss along with the principal and Dean etc etc Coming down stage she held my elbow and told ' bhot Sundar dance Kiya ' took a whiff off her eyes with kajal and ounched it behind my ears (Nazar na Lage) she carried on to the lunch but I had to setup the equipment on the stage doing that I was tired green got me some kulfi we both sat there backstage eating off the same one Lunch got over we got back on stage and the performance was a absolute flop coz mics dint work but we weren't bothered coz our dance was amazing so yea later on the girls ( with green and snake ) went up there to perform the did it amazingly she came down the stage and I repeated what she had done to me After it all their gang was sitting in the front But only green and I were all the way back in the end of the crowd where again it was a boys girls seperate but the organisers were my frnds so we managed I sat there with my hands across her shoulders clearing out the hair from her face every now and then snake and horse both came searching for green but luckily I wiffed my hand back to myself they said ' kaha ho yaar aage aakr baitho na ' green then left telling she would meet after sometime she came back and we sat there until my frnd showed up with a bottle of coke which had some ... Innit green asked me if I were to drink it I said yes she held my hand and said ' mat piyo na meri Kasam hai' I left the drink back event was coming to the end where jawline had a plan of asking her out on the day with the last performance where he sang kesariya and we hyped it coz comeon I was his frnd even if he dint consider me Event get over we were taking our stuff the the busses again i had the amp ( amplifier) in my had but my coat left in the front green returened back with it and was about to leave not seeing me come from the front gate she came running over thru the back one where I was leaving her frnds called her to another bus but she dint go with them instead with me we had a close time in the bus ( not physically) having teachers sit behind us she held my hand under the chair of the bus she burst into tears saying how over whelming it was I told her it was about the moment to enjoy coz I am a firm believer of what if we aren't alive Tom so yeah reached school with a lot of memories and talks and cries in the bus jawline had 8 missed calls on my phone snake giraffe and horse were very concerned we got down I was tired and high on life they thought I was drunk lol but I wasn't we hadn't clicked a pic together since she dint let me have my hands on her shoulder so I said no too but once at the school she picked my hand kept it on her shoulders and got a pic clicked
September We wrote letters and exchanged it in school sat together in free periods holding hands like 4th graders pookie things uk Until in a letter she told where would we endup to And as every guy would desire with her loved one I told a marriage but also mentioned it was too early to think about it rather enjoy what we have Walks in the first batch of pain where she told her parents would accept a guy not from where she belonged I convinced her to just enjoy what's there we still continued writing letter etc
Strike of busses No busses were on the move I had to travel on my own the day was gloomy and windy not many at school coz transport wasn't available every left the class it was me and her she packing her bag to leave looked at me from the side I also in the flow walked behind her and gave her a back hug( biggest blunder) I could feel her shiver it was cold after all calming her down we left until behind a bus she hugged me back ( the first one she ever had ) I gave her a forehead kiss
The letters continued so did the conspiracy another day walking back home her mom saw me walk beside her green told me not to talk to her as it would be like adding another character ( Her mom alr knew about jawline trying on green) So idint I walked my path 2 days later I felt a change in her behaviour she would walk down to talk to her frnds not 5 steps back to talk to me painfull innit
I finally asked her what the matter was turned out her mom told her to stay away from me coz I dint seem like a good guy and she being she dint say anything back either so seeing that things could go wrong I had another long talk telling her how we could figure smthg out now that along with letter she would call from her dad's phone every possible Sunday at night and we would talk all night we talked another night how we could do smthg but now I could see her flee away
Days later when she completely stopped talking no letters or anything I asked what happened and she told me she is sorry but is not able to prioritise me over what her mom said absolutely fine but why the answer to the why is still a mystery It's now me again at a stage where 5 mnths are left for my jee and boards where I used to study for the middle time when with her
October None of the October since my birth have gone good this was nthg new 1oct she called and told me that she couldn't do it coz it felt inappropriate The last time I dint get a reply to my letter I broke my knuckle so she was concerned about it too She told she would think and let me know the next day but me to not do anything to myself until then alr is all I told Next day oct 2nd She called we spoke for mere an hour but ended crying till morning 6 where she told it was none of us but the circumstances she cut the call That day onwards I smoked my lungs out the next week I was puking blood had a broken hand Stomach slits 0 food intake but dint touch alcohol coz she told me so Studies took a downfall STRAIGHT DOWN I couldn't do anything I wasn't able to eat speak or anything either lost around 9 kgs in mere October Calling it off she had given me her mail id to which I mailed but she replied as if we dint know each other and we're completely strangers I used to call her scammer and so did I write on her bench expectjng a reply she did reply with a scammer with ❤️ but nthg else her birthday was the last hope ( I had written over 75mails in the mean time ) I gifted her a watch in green with a letter written out of pure blood coz comeon personalization No reply to the letter no reply to mails until one day she mailed back saying a thanks for the watch I dint get reply or answers to any of the questions my health has been the same ever since Turning out I got to know that it was snake giraffe and horse with jawline who told her mom I wasn't a good guy is the worst part they even tried to fill greens ears earlier to stay away from me I studied in the last week for jee mains for a 72%ile and a 71% in boards miraculously but not able to do anything except that I have cried out alot infact a stage where mom too knew smthg was wrong School has now come to an end I have been going to her lane every day expecting to see her for once she dint wish me on my birthday either Bw this my dad got a stend operated in his heart I lost my granny who I told about green too lost my uncle too with all of this in my head studies became a not possible thing to do I gave some entrances got some colleges but dad wants me to do more the so called frnds too now don't care bout me anymore I am genuinely alone now with mails every day to her waking around 18kms both the ways to see her and smoking like a dickhead but nthgs happening idfk what to do her letters are still with me her scrunchie is yet with me the bottle we drank off is yet with me the chocolate wrappers I gave her are yet with me I haven't eaten a single chocolate since then coz I'd only eat if she had taken a bite off it she was vegetarian I left non veg too that's what her dad did for her mom also I have never touched alcohol coz she told me not to I don't fucking know what m i supposed to do. If yall got any idea that could possibly help in any aspect in my life pls share it with me Pls don't say gym or stuff coz I have tried that too Prayers ? I have been praying for her since the day she left me it's been 227 days since we last talked and I feel like I am at the wrong side even now The worst part I still love her the way I used to What should I do?

https://www.patientcare.va.gov/lgbt/
I get 100% of my healthcare through the VA. I have no service connections (disability). It’s pretty crazy how much they have under one roof. All providers are able to see your entire chart and I’ve been helped out by many with getting referred to specialists I would never have thought to ask for, simply because they’re all able to see everything.
General primary healthcare
Nutritionist
Case management (super helpful for navigating the VA system as well as getting veteran resources outside the VA)
Hormones
Therapy
Psychiatry
Voice feminization training
Laser hair removal
And several other things including various therapeutic group things
Another fun bonus thing is that your health information can be synchronized to your Health app on your phone. I have a complete medical history right there for me to keep track of including all bloodwork and diagnostic stuff and literally any bit of information that they add to your chart. Right there.
Sadly they don’t yet offer gender affirming surgical services yet except for every specific cases. See link down below.
You’d be surprised what things count as a disability. I’m about to be connected for having astigmatism in my right eye caused by months of being on a periscope. I didn’t think simply “now I wear glasses” would count as a disability but hey I’m not complaining.
You can also be referred to civilian providers on the VA’s dime if they don’t have the means to provide it themselves within a reasonable drive distance.
You can get reimbursed for literally any mile you drive to any scheduled appointment. My VA doesn’t have the equipment so I drive from Albany to the Manhattan clinic for laser and get roughly $180 back every time.
I completely get the skepticism of the VA but for real they’ve changed A LOT especially for LGBT vets.
Each clinic has an LGBT coordinator who can be a fantastic way to start the process.
https://www.patientcare.va.gov/LGBT/VAFacilities.asp
Copied from their website:
Gender Affirming Care at VA Information for Veterans VA provides a wide range of treatments to all eligible Veterans. Gender-affirming transition-related care plans are personalized based on your goals and your health. Talk to your treatment team to see if these services are right for you.
• Gender-Affirming Hormones: Your primary care team can help you with hormone therapy if it is right for you. Medications aren’t a goal for everyone and they have both risks and benefits. The team may involve an Endocrinologist. Talk to your treatment team about your family building goals and fertility before starting treatment.
• Pre-treatment Assessments for Gender-Affirming Hormones: In the U.S., all prescriptions are linked to a diagnosis the medication is treating. Providers will talk to you about your gender identity and your goals for treatment and consider if a diagnosis is appropriate. Blood work and other tests may be needed before hormones are prescribed.
• Voice and Communication Training: Speech Language Pathologists trained in gender- affirming treatments can help you train your voice and movements to align with your identity. This care is sometimes delivered through telehealth to your home.
• Fertility Preservation/Family Planning/Lactation Support: VA has services to help Veterans store eggs and sperm, as well as build and support families. These are coordinated through VA Women’s Health. Talk to your doctor about your options.
• Gender-Affirming Prosthetics: Several items are available through the VA when medically needed. These can include, but are not limited to, breast forms, chest binders, dilator sets for post-vaginoplasty, gaffs, packers, surgical compression vests, and wigs. Talk to your treatment team about what is right for you.
• Medically Necessary Hair Removal: Hair removal often happens through referrals to community-based centers. While availability varies, VA is working to improve access for all eligible Veterans.
• Letters of Support for Gender-Affirming Surgery (outside of VA): Some Veterans use their private health insurance or pay out-of-pocket for surgical treatments. Most surgeons and private health insurance companies require letters from your current treatment team, both medical and mental health (if applicable). VA providers can coordinate care with your surgeon.
While VA cannot yet provide initial gender-affirming surgical procedures, VA does provide surgical care for the following:
Some complications of surgeries, including revision surgeries for unexpected problems
Removing testicles or ovaries for hormone management if prescription hormones aren’t an option for you
Needed surgeries for other medical reasons (e.g., cancer, back pain) that are also consistent with your transition goals

Hi all!
Female 28 here!
I know lots of people have struggled to be able to lose weight but I’m wondering if there’s people who have had an easier time? I find when I am committed and truly eating well+high protein and in my caloric deficit with workouts I lose weight. I would say I am currently 240 (haven’t been able to workout for 2 months because I had a minor emergency surgery and got cup open and it’s a wound healing in a spot that doesn’t permit physical activity). I was down from 245-230 in about 3.5 months but I’m just gunna go with 240 to be cautious lol
I’m wondering if anyone else has an easier time and has been able to get to their goal weight naturally? Mine is roughly 165. That would be an excellent goal. I was doing weights 3-4x a week, I am now playing slow pitch on Thursdays again (modified right now), and yoga and Pilates once a week sprinkled with some walks in there.
Even though I’ve had an idea for years, ultrasounds couldn’t seem to confirm it but I guess after the one I just did we can now. I want to get back to my body, the one that was an athlete ready for anything and able to compete in sports at the level my body was capable of. For any other sport gals out there IYKYK!
Anyone else have success this way? I feel my body could potentially do it without medical intervention but would love to hear some of the positive outcomes to help boost my spirits!
Thanks queens!!

I need advice on a lot of things. This is a long post but I feel none of it’ll my situation is cut and dry so I’m adding details I feel are important.
Back story: divorced co-parent to a 2 year old. My ex and I met in 2015. I moved in with him a year later and he convinced me to work fowith him on the family farm. Right before we got married, my grandmother died my mom had a severe stroke. They were the only real family I had to rely on. I have two sisters: one has been gone to another state for years(not mentally stable) and the other is a narcissist mooch who has made my life hell recently and doesn’t take good care of my mother. I had a horrible pregnancy and told him he needed to hire help for the farm, because it was just me and him running everything. After the baby shower, he said he wanted a divorce and admitted he was having an affair with the hired help. As soon as I was cleared to go back to work, I got a part time job for six months, then was offered a position at a new farm that paid very well based on my experience. Christmas of 22, I kicked him out after he told me it was none of my business what he and the mistress were going to do. (He and I were still living together and the mistress was living on the property as well). I filed for divorce a month later since he had yet to do so. I got a local lawyer, who ended up being absolute garbage. At mediation in August of 2023, she didn’t fight for me or a say a single word on my behalf. The mediator ran the whole thing and told me to stop fighting or asking questions or I wouldn’t get anything if I made my ex mad. My lawyer just sat there and did nothing. Mediator said if I didn’t sign an agreement that day, I’d get nothing. Stupid doormat me believed every word, so I signed. I had six months to find somewhere else to live, we had our 50/50 schedule, and we are required to live in the county we’ve been in, which is BFE, Texas. No child support either. The contract I signed with the new employer guaranteed housing, and I had to fight like hell to make that happen. January of 2024, I was allowed to move into a camper at the end of the month once the previous occupant moved out.
Current situation: today is Thursday. I had my son with me Monday and right after the babysitter (who gets paid $15/hour) left, I take over but get a text message from my boss saying she sent an email with a letter of termination. I was in shock. I started spiraling. I called my ex and asked if he could please take our son, which he did. I’m devastated. I’m infuriated. I never thought my boss would do this but she says the owner of the ranch was cutting costs and deemed my position non-essential. I don’t have a degree, and all my knowledge and experience is with animals/veterinary medicine (I’m not a vet). They are allowing me to stay in this camper on the property for one month. I was signed on as an independent contractor so I believe unemployment is not an option.
Where I need advice:
1) I have nowhere to go. The land and housing market in this area has skyrocketed over the last two years. Single acre plots of land are $50k+. No apartment complexes. My only legitimate option is to move back to my ex’s farm. A friend has mentioned section 8/ or government assistance. Does anyone have good knowledge about this? Is it offered in towns/counties with low populations and rural areas?
2) with the divorce decree stating that we have to live in this county, would I get in trouble if I took my son back to my hometown when I have possession of him? The only work I’m seeing available in this area is gas stations and fast food restaurants. I have no problem applying for that kind of work but I’d rather stick to a position where my skill set is.
3) would I need to contact a lawyer before I try to do number 2? I’d hire someone else, definitely not go back to the fraud.
4) how do those of you with no village cope? I have severe adhd(undiagnosed) and I feel like I have some sort of autoimmune condition that seems to be directly related to stress. My body is in pain all the time. I’ve gotten chiropractic adjustments and messages but it provides minutes of relief at best.
5) willing to take any and all advice. Thank you for making it this far in the post and offering to help me out. I appreciate it more than you know.

Most (if not ALL) of the reason your blushing is a problem for you is due to the panic you go into when it starts to happen or when you anticipate it happening.
It's not the blushing that causes us so much pain, it's all the panic/embarrassment we feel about it.
"Oh my gosh, this is so embarrassing"
"They're definitely going to notice and say something!"
"How can I distract them?"
If you didn't have these thoughts, you wouldn't be here looking for a solution.
Blushing is your automatic stress response. Some people sweat, some people twitch, some people stutter. You blush. It will happen when you're anxious, nervous, put on the spot, etc. That will be the case for the rest of your life. You can't really stop the blushing, nor should you. It's not in your control.
Trying to stop it and freaking out when you can't is actually what causes it go from red to SUPER red and turns you into a tomato.
But fortunately, you CAN learn to stop panicking about it and learn to become more comfortable with letting it come and go. Once you do, you stop obsessing about your blushing and you forget about it almost entirely. You get to focus back on your real life instead of these anxious thoughts in your head. You don't feel any pain anymore and you actually stop blushing as much since you have lower stress.
If you solve the panic, you solve the problem.
What worked for me and what has been working well for the coaching clients I work with is simply ignoring or disproving those panicked thoughts instead of fearing or acting on them.
I explain this in-depth in my new YouTube video: https://youtu.be/Td_MB8C2f9U?feature=shared and my new Spotify episode: https://open.spotify.com/episode/2e7z2GVFYzPIMx1rv9oBgY?si=83859a0bb9fa4253
I recommend watching/listening to that for the full explanation but here is a quick summary!
It might help to look at our thoughts in 2 distinct types.
One type that I believe we have is involuntary thoughts that we can’t control. They are usually feawarning based such as panic, intrusive thoughts, “what if” scenarios.
The other type I believe we have is voluntary thoughts that we CAN control, which in this case would be our reaction to that involuntary panic.
So when you start having your INITIAL thought of “oh my you’re gonna blush, you better get out of here”, that is your involuntary thought that you cannot control.
My recommendation from experience is that you SHOULD NOT start acting on those involuntary thoughts and letting them creep into your voluntary thoughts, such as reacting with “you’re right, I can't do this, when’s a good moment to step out?” This might give you short-term relief from the anxious thoughts but it validates your brain’s fear and makes the panicked involuntary thoughts come back more frequently and more intensely.
INSTEAD… You have to start ignoring those thoughts and trying to prove them WRONG. When you feel those panicked thoughts set in, react with voluntary thoughts of “you’ll be fine, you’re not going to die” or “this isn’t even embarrassing” or “let’s just see what will happen” and focus twice as hard back on the present moment.
Once you do this, you can look back and tell your brain: "See, I lived!" or "See, that really wasn't even that bad"
As you repeat this process, the goal is to start proving that fear wrong and teaching your brain you’re not going to die. It will be extremely uncomfortable the first times you do it, but if you’re seriously tired of the panic, this is the only way I’m aware of on how you solve it. It worked for me and it's been working for my clients.
Those panicked thoughts are not REAL threats. You will not die by speaking up. Your brain just doesn't realize that so it's trying to protect you and get you out of there. Start proving to your brain that you will be okay.
I plan to make tons more content in the future, so be sure to subscribe to either my YouTube or Spotify to stay up to date! Hope it helps!!
Best,
Collin

It’s a bit long.
Ok. So, I came here because I HAVE TO TALK ABOUT THIS TO PEOPLE WHO KNOWS WHAT IM SAYING AND WOULD UNDERSTAND WHAT I MEAN.
Yesterday or so (it was midday for me where I live idk when it was announced at the event) the date of Agatha All Along, its final title and a teaser trailer were apparently released and it’s said that (I say ‘it’s said that’s because only the people at the event saw exactly how the teaser video was and because no one filmed so currently it’s just talk) scene starts out with Agatha as Agnes wearing one of the hex decade outfits from wanda vision trying to solve a murder about a Jane doe. Apparently Agatha is in like a morgue and on a metal table lies the body of a woman who’s covered up and the tag on the foot reads W. Maximoff, death 13 of October.
Now I have a bunch of things to say about this part and why everyone is too quick to jump to the conclusion that wanda is really dead. One, the whole time MoM happened Agatha was under the hex, there’s not much way that she could know that Wanda is ‘dead’ (if she is dead that is).
Two, back in the day marvel used to do this thing where the year of the movie that it gets released in matched up with the year the characters were living in the movie. Like 2012 avengers. If they kept this up the date of Wanda’s ‘death’ wouldn’t make sense as she would’ve ’died’ in May. Also other than strange, Wong, the people at the sanctum and America (and maybe the other reality Christine) no one really knows of her ‘death’. So it would leave a huge plot whole to who brought Wanda there.
To continue they said that rio vidal shows up and tells Agatha some things that ultimately lead her to break out of the hex.
A post that was made 6 months prior to these announcements that were made yesterday kinda points to that not being wanda. On tik tok a creator by the name @lizzie_clan had shared a slideshow post last year on November about some Twitter posts made by a well known leaker (spoiler-content leak) explaining that the body on the table is only there to symbolize Agatha breaking through the hex and said that at some point Rio says that there are two Jane does in this case and with that the name tag changes from w. Maximoff to a. Harkness. Considering it had been said long ago and now we see this scene in the teaser I do give it possibility that it really isn’t Wanda.
To follow this up I will give the similar arguments I’ve given on this subreddit before.

1. To start things off, we never saw the body of Wanda Maximoff. In marvel except for a few, many people who died, and we saw their bodies, they stayed dead.
   
2. The huge CGI explosion of red at the ends of MoM. I think if Wanda had really died it would’ve either been a much bigger explosion or no explosion at all. I’m pretty sure that the explosion that was made was there for a reason. Like aiding in her escape in a way.
   
3. Wanda has big parts in multiple different characters storylines. Let it be in Agatha’s, or in visions or in her sons or x men or house of m or in the upcoming avengers movies. Killing her off in such an obscure way makes no sense.
   
4. Wanda is a ridiculously strong character. I really don’t think a nexus being was killed because of some rubble. It doesn’t fit the story they made for her.
   
5. In the 2016 scarlet witch comics we see Agatha helps Wanda get to the witches road and we do clearly see that Agatha and her coven goes there as well. It wouldn’t be a shocker if we got a glimpse of her there.
   
6. The official marvel book that was released that didn’t had Wanda on the cover. Now marvels all about being clever and sneaky. The book says that when Wanda collapsed Wundagore it got rid of two big problems and threats on the multiverse but never explicitly says that Wanda is dead which is more important than you think. They have no reason to hide the fact that a character is dead. And that’s maybe because she isn’t.
   
7. Elizabeth Olsen is currently booked for 5 or so projects and last year she never confirmed her returned and said that she wanted to play other characters. However she never explicitly said she was done with marvel or she was fired or left or she was done playing Wanda and that she didn’t know if she’d return but didn’t say much to not give any potential spoilers.
   
8. Wanda and Elizabeth playing Wanda is a huge selling point for marvel. They’d really have to be a bit dense to let go of such a character with such a big fan base.
   
9. Also like Wanda can resurrect herself, she has done so in comics.
   
10. Marvels clever marketing. In the span of 3 years Agatha’s show had a total of 4 name changes that kept people talking. It was later revealed that those names were the names of upcoming episodes in Agatha’s show and the series name was Agatha all along, probably being a nod to her song in WandaVision. This was so cleverly executed. Which brings me to my point; marvel actors don’t spoil movies.
    

To clarify the NDA’s (none disclosure agreements) these people have to sign are darn right crazy. Very tight and very secretive as each leak can cost them a lot of money. And marvel does run on making big bucks. So an actor like mark ruffalo or Tom holland going and spoiling something is not likely to be an accident but a cleaver marketing technique. I mean they’re a list actors. We’d believe them if they acted surprised over revealing some spoilers on ‘accident’.
What I’m trying to get to with this is a comment that was made and later deleted by the actor Asif Ali who played Abilash Tandon or better known as norm in WandaVision and who will return for Agatha all along. In 2023 on Instagram a user asked the question: Will Wanda be in Agatha’s show, bro ? Please..’ which Asif responded with a ‘yes!’ Which was later deleted. Again considering the NDA s and the secrecy I do believe it’s a marketing stunt.
Of course at the end of it all these are pieces and theories put together I can’t be sure of anything (just like everyone else) until I see the show.
Now of course I want Wanda’s return. And I really do believe that she will be back. What I do hope is that she will appear in the last episode or at an end credit scene or instead of seeing her we’ll see a magic cgi effect indicating her return. Cause as much as I love Wanda this is Agatha’s show and I don’t want her to be overshadowed by Wanda. Like in Hawkeye series how when Yelena came to the scene she overshadowed Clint who is the protagonist of the show.
Anyways yeah, these are my thoughts on these and I’d like to hear everyone else’s who took time to read this whole blabbing of theories and reasons.

I spent 5 years of my life on off with someone I thought I'd spend my entire life with. We were long distance (200miles) but marriage and babies and pets and holidays were discussed so much. 'I've never been in love like I have with you', the whole shabang. We saw eachother every month or 2 for a week for these years, and I thought I had it all down.
She ended up getting addicted to benzos, and cheated on me a few times and lied about it. Once I finally found out I cut ties, and we were separated for 6 years. I still didn't get over her, and my therapists thought I had PTSD from all the false suicide attempts she called me about and the cheating manipulation and lies.
She messaged me on discord last year (6 years later) and said she was going through AA to get sober from alcohol, and they encouraged her to apologise to the people she'd hurt. 'I promise it's not to get back with you, I'm not allowed to date until I'm sober'. These were lies.
After about a month we were talking like we used to, fantasising about a future where she is sober and we can be official, but until then just dating without the labels (her therapist said she's not allowed to label or date apparently). I spent a year like this, constantly visiting and spending all my money to be there when she needed, because she was still mentally unwell (suicidal) and often made attempts to OD meaning I'd have to call off my work and travel 200 miles to see her.
Well, this obviously didn't end well, she wasn't getting better like she said, and 2 bottles of wine a day became 3. 3 bags of ket a week became that plus acid 2cb coke, borrowing money from me to then lend to her coke dealers? When i put my foot down about money boundaries she seemed to pull away and become a different person.
As much as I was in love and it broke me, I stayed around until it effected my mental health. And I plummeted. I was suicidal and done with life. As much as id bent over backwards for her, put up with so much, when i was unwell she didn't care. She couldn't put up with me and dumped me there and then. Said 'you will never ever hear from me again'.
I'm still in contact with her best friend because luckily she's an angel and always loved and had my back. When I told her about the ongoings of recent, she actually confessed to me my ex had told her we were NEVER together. 5 years of my life were apparently a lie.
She had told her bestie we were just friends that whole 5 years, while she had her other partners over for Christmas meals with her, and all this other stuff. It was a double life.
And I find out now. 6 years later. After wasting another year, all my sanity, dignity, happiness, and life savings. Not only this, but she now has a girlfriend as of a month ago. So much for 'not allowed to date until sober'. Just a rule so she didn't have to be with me.
I am 45 days sober from alcohol, and 5 days from weed, and I refuse to let her ruin my sobriety. But fuck is it hard sometimes.
Thank you if you read this far. Honestly I just had to vent because it feels like my life Is falling apart at the seams, and at 30 years old starting again feels really uncomfortable.
All love to this community, and if anyone has any words to help me through I'd really appreciate it. It feels like I've been living a lie, and I don't know how to deal with it

I just feel so sad. I work for a company in Scotland that provides care and education for people with a wide range of serious neurodivergency, including autism. I'm a social worker there and when I interviewed for the position I expressed that I was undiagnosed, but I'm pretty sure I have autism and shared a little about my needs when asked. It took everything to tell them that because my needs embarrass me and I have masked all my life.
Things have been going fine and all my risk paperwork was done, detailing my triggers and responses and what needs I have. I have detailed what overstimulation feels like and how I cope, including that I stim in different ways to help me feel calm.
That was until I got pregnant and HR came for me. I have been having some extreme symptoms, bad nausea and vomiting, aches and pains, headaches. Because of my sensory needs, feeling nauseous or sore is incredibly hard to ignore and I know when I'm not able to go in to work. Sometimes I just need the day to get better. I've taken a lot of absences because of vomiting several times during the morning. HR are not happy about this.
They pulled me up about my several absences and I explained that I am pregnant and sickness is normal. They've been trying to convince me that there's something wrong with my health, and I've been to several doctors at their request. They all came back and told me that what was happening to me was normal and that rest is the best cure. I'm on a medication now to help with the sickness and it's been working. My absences have significantly improved since then.
But it feels like since then they've been looking for every excuse to pull me up and give me into bother. From 8:30am to 9:00am is the time we get to prepare for clients coming to the center. So normally I take whatever I'm working on, my phone or laptop, and I go into the sensory tent or sensory room. This helps me because getting to work can be a really overestimating experience in the morning, especially when my pregnant self is feeling like crap. Bundling into a loud vehicle, as much as I love jam time in the morning with my partner, is still pretty loud. I just use that time to be in a dark quiet space and do like a... Reset I guess! To help me get ready for the day. A few of my fellow neurodiverse colleagues also use that space in the mornings. I've now been pulled up and told that being in the tent in the mornings is not "mature" or "professional". I genuinely don't know what the problem is if its not affecting the work I'm doing?
I was left pretty flat after that conversation to be honest, but I got some reassurance from my colleagues that being in the tent is a non issue and they'll back me up if I continue using it with them. Today was worse. I am having a rough time mentally today. Everything is too loud. My head hurts. But I came in anyways because despite this I felt strong. I brought my favourite plush with me because my coworker often brings in a squishmallow so I wasn't feeling to embarrassed about it. He's a tardigrade build a bear and he smells like birthday cake. He's a soft squishy sensory and smell sensory item all in one. His name is Lenny and I found him to he incredibly helpful. So I was just holding him and squishing him and smelling him. Generally having a nice sensory time whilst my very independent client asked me to give him some space. I was prepared to put Lenny away once we were starting his timetable for the day! All the clients and staff love Lenny.
I didn't realise whilst i was holding Lenny that I was stimming. A common stim for me is rocking. I have expressed this to management that stimming for me looks like rocking, facial movement or my hands moving. Well HR called me into their office and asked me if I was well. I thought they were just concerned about pregnancy stuff and mental health stuff so I told them I was okay! I was just feeling a little overwhelmed today but it was okay because I brought in a sensory item. They told me that was the issue and that I couldn't use Lenny. They told me that rocking and clutching a teddybear made me look insane basically. I don't know if that's exactly what they meant thinking back on it, but that's what I think she meant. She said it made me look "unwell".
They asked me over and over again if I really thought I was fit to be here and I kept telling them yes, that I'm just overwhelmed. They repeated again that they need to have a mature and professional environment and said that my teddy bear was neither of those things. They asked me until I got a little frustrated if I needed to go home. I kept saying no and eventually they let up and let me leave the meeting. I cried in the bathroom for 10 minutes and got back out on the floor.
I masked up for today and I got through it. My manager just sat there and let her day those things to me. I thought my manager would have my back, having been the one to document my symptoms. I've just been left so drained. I get the feeling they were trying to make me say I wasn't fit to work so they could log another absence and get me into trouble again. It's causing me so much stress, and I think stressing me out like this when I'm pregnant is just... Mean.
I guess what I'm asking is how am I supposed to stand up for myself with no union and no diagnosis. I can't PROVE I have needs, but I thought they took me seriously when I outlined them. I guess I'll just have to mask back up at work so they don't clap me with anything else, but it just hurts because I thought as an organisation that deals with autism and it's quirks on a daily basis they'd do better for their neurodiverse staff. I'm not really doing anything that other neurodiverse staff aren't doing. I just don't know what I'm doing differently that is such a problem. My stimming and holding Lenny and sitting in sensory areas doesn't stop me from working and doing my job.
Sorry this was so long I guess I'm just seeking anything you can give me. Advice? Reassurance? I just want to know if what I'm doing is normal. Is HR right? I just don't know

Season 1

1. Soyeon and Sehoon fight. Soyeon was being manipulative to sehoon by saying that she’s concerned for him that’s why she’s telling him to stop pursuing jiyeon but what she really wanted was him to become her back up option since her first choice went to paradise with someone else. Sehoon saw right through it and I felt really embarrassed for Soyeon at that moment.
   
2. Sihun just walking past Kim Sumin in the finale. I don’t know why people weren’t infuriated by this but I found it extremely disrespectful for him to just walk past her to go Jia without saying something meaningful. After all, she was there for him when he was struggling. And it looked like he just wanted some attention and sympathy from someone after constantly getting let down by Jia.
   

Season 2

1. Soe pressuring Young jae Girlie was crying over a man she had barely known for 3 days. She kept saying how she want to be true to her feelings but she never considered how Young jae felt. It was extremely selfish of her. She kept pressuring him to answer if he’ll ever choose her or not rather than trying to get to know him.
   
   1. Dong woo and Seulki paradise date I don’t even wanna think about it. It was so uncomfortable to watch. Dongwoo was very patriarchal and pick me.
2. Jin young fumbling Seul ki She was so into him but bro ruined it by being wishy washy and saying things like “If I find myself taking care of myself and my girlfriend. I don’t think so I’ll be able to do it well.” It sounded like he really he thought about the relationship in a long term perspective but he shouldn’t have said that in the show. Maybe after they leave the Inferno he should’ve told her this in private.
   

Season 3

1. One word. Gwanhee Don’t even get me started. He really was as pathetic as Hyeseon said. The most disrespectful thing he did was pointing at 3 women during bonfire as if they were items on sale💀. Him pouting whenever a woman called him out on his actions and putting the blame on her instead of taking accountability made me really hate him. He ruined the self esteem of 3 beautiful women. Hajeong and hyeseon weren’t their usual self anymore. They seemed drained out.
   
2. Minyoung clinging on to Jinseok Jinseok was really done with Minyoung towards the end of the show. He only chose her out of peer pressure. Minyoung constantly kept talking about Jinseok even if the girls were discussing something else. She said she wanted to talk to other men but when she got the chance she kept talking about Jinseok to Min-kyu. I was like girlie what do you really want😭
   
3. Minji crying in the helicopter I don’t think I need to further elaborate this as she has already gotten so much hate because of this.
   
4. Hajeong being excited to meet another man while on a date with Minkyu. Although I didn’t hate her for this but I found it quite disrespectful how she was so open to Minkyu about being excited to meet another man while being on a date with him (in ep 1). I’m not against her being excited but she should’ve concealed it in front of the man she was with at that moment.
   
5. Gyuri confronting Minwoo This scene wasn’t cringe but SCARY. Gyuri looked like she would kill Minwoo if she could.
   

It happens way to often. The other night I had a dream about a person that I cut off for some good reason, and after these dreams where I see us being friends again, my heart starts mourning. My brain understands that I made the right decision to get rid of certain people, because they were dishonest, disrespectful and pretentious with me, but this painful feeling of missing all the good moments always sticks with me for a couple of days. I understand that these moments are long gone and I'm not getting them back, but I can't even count the times when I was on the verge of breaking down and writing a message to them, apologising for things I hadn't done. Do any of you have the same feelings after dreaming about your ex friends? How do you deal with it?

Walking the Path together (Part 16)

https://preview.redd.it/xkks1c25dt0d1.jpg?width=1024&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=16a8c2bf518cff73d42e5f3c1d27b6b1b8a60f1f
Part 16: The awakening of the heart
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As the Mysterious Stranger and the Seeker leave the old castle behind, they continue on the snow-covered path. A path appears on the right side, following parallel to their own. The two paths merge into one, which leads towards a volcano. As they progress, another parallel path from the left side merges as well with the current one.
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In the distance, the Seeker spots a building, where the path tilts uphill. A sign points at a crossroad. An intersection, between realms. The crossroads, where all timelines meet up: Where the westward and the eastward paths meets the northern road.
https://preview.redd.it/oqc06uf6dt0d1.jpg?width=1024&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=cbaf67402c9e8a329d687c02cf702e80e04efecf
Where the paths meet, stands a tavern. The lights are on. The chimney is smoking. A sign shows its name:
'The Red Ditch Inn'
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“Wanna get something to drink,” asks the Stranger the Seeker.
“Sure, why not,” accepts the Seeker.
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Before he opens the door knob, the Stranger hesitates and speaks to the Seeker:
“This is the bar, where the timelines of our souls meet up. This is the crossing of our life-paths, the intersection of fate. Be prepared, for what happens next.”
The Seeker and the Stranger walk into the building. As they open the door, they are started by the loud conversations. The inn is full. Many tables with different animals of all species.
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The table in the center of the bar, has a label saying: ''
Around that table sit all kinds of different birds and animals. Pigeons, squirrels, Reptiles, cats, dogs, wolves, foxes, crows, mice, sloths. They are mostly talking about crystals and past lives.
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There was a table, which said: ''. There sat an old bear, who carries many scars, wounded by countless battles, teaching young bear cups, who attentively listen to their elders. Some are making notes.
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Next to it, is a table with a label saying: ''
There sit some parrots all repeating the same mantra in unison:
“BEFORE ENLIGHTENMENT CHOP WOOD CARRY WATER, AFTER ENLIGHTENMENT CHOP WOOD CARRY WATER.”
https://preview.redd.it/gpm5171cdt0d1.jpg?width=1024&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=51e94aa82f38d74ca688e52ac6b6353a9bf0a20f
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There is another table, called: ''
There sit a caterpillar, a spider, a scorpion and an eagle.
“You have an Ego,” shouts the caterpillar at the spider, pointing his finger.
“No, you have an Ego,” shouts the spider back at the caterpillar.
“You both have an Ego,” accuses the scorpion both the caterpillar and the spider.
“Hey,” shouts the bird. “I am the eagle here!”
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Next to it, is the table of ''. The chairs are completely empty. There is no one here.
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On the other side there is another table with many different birds and mammals, some more exotic animals from all around the world. The label says ''. There is someone constantly screaming at the top of their lungs:
“I AM A PROFFESIONAL PSYCHIC READER WITH 14 YEARS OF EXPERIENCE!”
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One table next to it is called ''. The people sitting there do not look like animals, but like strange aliens. Some small and green beings, others big and gray, some with fur, some with scales, some humanoid. They were mostly talking about the past, exchanging some old memories. Among them is a chicken, who wears an alien costume.
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As one of the Grey beings stands up to go to the toilet, the chicken whispers to the others:
“Psst guys, I think Fred may not be an actual Starseed.”
https://preview.redd.it/plzy2mdidt0d1.jpg?width=1024&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=23a73f0d3635320c724975ff37a2dd717b219902
The other beings around the table start mumbling.
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There is one more table called ''. The Stranger walks towards their table.
“Jo, wazzup Shawty,” greets the Stranger an old friend at the psychonaut-table, with a fist bump. “Long time no see.”
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“Whoa, it's YOU,” responds the Tiger at the table, with red eyes, smoking his bong. “Last time I've seen you, I was like in DMT realm.”
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“Is Burt anywhere around?” asks the Stranger.
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“He is sitting there in the corner,” responds Shawty. The tiger points at a traumatized racoon sitting in the dark corner.
“I have seen too much,” mumbles the Burt the Racoon with eyes wide open, like a scratched record.
“I have traveled too far... I have seen, what lies within the emptiness. Never again... I will never do shrooms again...”
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Suddenly the waiter taps the racoons shoulder, ripping him out of his thought loop.
“Sir... Do you wanna order anything?”
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“Do you have McKennaii?”
“Yes,” responds the waiter.
“Then I'll have 7 grams,” orders the racoon.
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The Seeker has a sudden thought and looks at the Stranger.
“What does the ' slash' on the tables, stand for?”
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“I don't know...,” shrugs the Stranger. “ It's probably to reserve the table at this inn.”
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The Stranger looks at all the tables, they are all talking and talking. Some are playing poker, others are playing dart, some drunks fight each other. Others talk about their identity or their favorite dogma. Some are showing off, how enlightened they are.
As they stand at the crossroads, they can either go Westwards, Eastwards and Northwards. Many have taken the western route, many have went eastwards, but they always ended back at the 'Red Ditch Inn' again.
The newbies, were unsure, whether to go west or east. The experienced ones, knew it doesn't make a difference, they would end up at the bar again anyway. Some were stuck in the bar since many decades, they had given up hope to ever find a way out. But few of them ever dared to walk northwards.
https://preview.redd.it/yci1amwndt0d1.jpg?width=1024&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=3fefe9cb65d9069f01463512c3bc70d42fd4ff66
The Stranger sighs, as he looks around. His eyes flame up, he inhales deeply and climbs on a chair. With a raised voice he speaks:
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“When did we lose our heart?
We lost our heart collectively.
Did we lose it, when we were still cavemen? When we had to survive the cold winters of the ice age? When we hunted down the last Homo Neanderthalensis? Or later on, when the first tribes waged war against each other? Did we lose our heart, when we enslaved each other? Did we lose our hearts, when we dropped atom bombs, or when we caused our first mass extinctions...The crimes, that Humans do in wars... All of us carry the sins of our forefathers on our shoulders.
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We lost our hearts individually.
For the person it starts pretty early in their childhood. We lose our trust, when we are lied to. Almost everyone tastes the pain of Betrayal at least once in life. We are deeply wounded from childhood on. We learn early on, that humans hurt us and thus we become suspicious of humans. We learn not to trust each other. Because we are afraid of being hurt again. And so we close off our heart to protect it.
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What is the heart?
I am not talking about the physical organ. I talk about this part in your 'soul', if I may call it that. It's like the core of our 'soul', of our 'astral body'. The centre of our 'energy' or chakras. We are afraid to open it, because it's very vulnerable. That's why we protect it. We are afraid to open it, because we don't trust each other.
But unless your heart is open, you can never experience unconditional love. Its flame must be activated.
The heart is your connection to everything. The heart is what connects you to 'source', if that's the word, you'd like to use. The heart is from where our love flows.
We have cut off the connection and became separated from the ALL. We made love conditional. We split hating from loving, dislike from like and created duality. We became attached. We let ourselves be corrupted by the Ego.
Now that we have closed the heart, what have we done to the world?
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We turned the world into a place, that almost no one likes. We created a society, that keeps us in narrow boxes. We made the world a lonely place, for everyone to be in. Even in groups, we often feel lonely. We allowed money to rule over us. We allowed ideologies to split us and dogmas to control us.
We have so many different issues, that we just can't seem to overcome. Climate change. Wars. Corrupt politicians. Poverty. Starvation. Meaninglessness. Nihilism.
Where should we start with all that mess?
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With ourselves. That is the place, where the transformation needs to start. We need to evolve. One person at a time. Only then, can the collective transform as well.
We need to open the mind and the heart. To see and to feel. To be aware and to love. We need to find harmony within ourselves. End the inner conflict and find peace within.
Find your own truest path.
Let go of any limiting beliefs. Let go of any attachments. Forgive whoever needs forgiveness and apologize to clear your regrets. Find Love.
Find your light within. See your light in all people. Love your enemies.
Recognize the Ego, be aware of what makes it grow. Become aware of any negative thought patterns. Be disciplined.
Clear your own shadows. Face your Trauma. Heal your inner child.
Get free from all bodily addictions. Be free of fear. Be free of suffering.
See the beauty of all things. Find joy in every moment.
Surrender yourself. Follow the heart. Be proud and courageous. Accept your life and your story. Embrace your story, without being attached to it.
Find your purpose. End the Seeking.
Be your authentic Self. Express Love through your character.
Become Love.
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This is a possible path. And I just gave you the map. It can be walked. It was walked before. But it is a path into unknown territory. Only the bravest of you can walk this path. It's not for the faintest of heart.
You see, you all either follow the path of the left and go westwards or you follow the path on the right and go eastwards... But no matter how far you go, you'll always end up at the crossroads again. You never make any real progress.
What if there is another path? What if there's another way? What if I say, 'let us go north?!'”
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Some of the crowd are in shock. Some are laughing. Others are mumbling.
“You can't walk north,” says a crow from the projectors. “It's impossible.”
“Everyone knows, that the northern road is a dead-end,” says an awakened Caterpillar. “It's a waste of time going up there. You can't go further, than the volcano.”
https://preview.redd.it/qxebl22qdt0d1.jpg?width=1024&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=af079c143695042c772c4b0e11f8b191a921805d
A psychonaut horse laughs. “That will be fun. Can't wait to see their disappointed faces, when they walk all the way back down.”
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The Stranger continues undeterred:
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“Why are you walking the spiritual path?
You felt called to do it, didn't you? You felt something within you. Something made click. You understood, that there is a deeper truth, that you must find. There was this deep longing within you. So you started walking.
What were the first things, that you were seeking?
You were seeking answers.
What were your first questions? You were asking, 'What is my purpose?' You were asking 'Why am I here'?
And you have searched in so many places. But no matter which answer you got, you were never fully satisfied. Because it wasn't your answer. Because it was someone else's answer.
So you stopped seeking. Either you were content with some unfulfilling answers or you just simply gave up. When did you stop finding your own answers?
Dogma or tradition give us easy answers. When we are attached to them, when we build an identity around them, we become unable to find our own answers. But you can't end Seeking with someone elses answers. Only when you have claimed the answer for yourself, can the Seeker transform into something different. Into something new.
Just ending the Seeker, like cutting off a limb, won't do it. The Seeker needs to find their answer to the question 'What is my purpose?' Not one, they read from textbooks. Not an answer, that someone else can give them. When ONE has found their own unique purpose in life, then instead of 'seeking', there is only 'expressing'.”
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“I see that you are advanced,” speaks an enlightened owl. “However you are blinded by idealism. When you stare into the abyss long enough, the abyss will stare back at you.”
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“My friend,” says the Stranger. “I have not only stared into the abyss, I went to hell and back again to find my answer.”
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Everyone falls silent, the Stranger continues:
“It was always here on earth. Heaven. It was always within us. Take a look around you. There is beauty in all things. If you search for it, you can find joy in every moment. Look for love in the world and you shall find love everywhere. Meet Life with gratitude and wonder. Face your experience, like an adventurer faces his challenge. Express unconditional love through your very being. Because this is how we heal Humanities greatest wound: The scar of nihilism.
It has all become so meaningless to us, hasn't it?
Memorizing knowledge at school or college, that you'll never need in real life. This feeling of being stuck in life. Day to day, going to a dead-end job for minimum wage. Living an unfulfilled life. The shattering of broken dreams. The tears of our suffering.
You know, why everything has become so meaningless?
We let our hearts get cold. After falling, we stopped getting back up again. We stopped facing our challenges.
You see, after every defeat, Humanity always got back up again. No matter how tough the challenge may seemed, Humanity never gave up.
We have forgotten, who we are.
All of us are Humanity. You, Me, everyone. We are all humanity. You, the individual human are HUMANITY. You are the Rest of mankind. Because we are all the same in our essence. When you open your heart, then this is your name: 'HUMANITY'
Because you see yourself in every other human. This is the name of the divine spark that sits within all of us. It is the fire, that burns in our eyes. This is Humanity: An archetype of victory and an idea of unity.
Let me ask you a very direct question. If we all came together to do our part, do you think that we could actually clean up the mess we have created? Do you think we have a chance of not only to survive but even to evolve as a species? And perhaps write even greater stories, than ever before?”
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The entire crowd is silent. Most of them avoid eye contact. People start mumbling.
Then the crowd slowly gets louder again and the conversations on each table, continue as if nothing ever happened.
As the Stranger steps down from the chair, a monkey gets up from one of the tables, points his finger and screams:
“Look guys, this dude has ketchup on his outfit.”
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While the crowd laughs at him, the Stranger goes to the bar and orders two beer. While he waits, he rubs off the ketchup stain from his clothes with his fingernails.
People are looking at him and the Seeker. The Seeker can't bear standing next to the Stranger and leaves the tavern. The Stranger pays for two beers. 140 Pesos. He then follows the Seeker outside.
https://preview.redd.it/dnbnlkbtdt0d1.jpg?width=1024&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=7fec72a92d808274036204143603af3c8ade16eb
“Wanna go already?” asks the Stranger while sipping from his beer.
“Those guys hate you now,” sighs the Seeker.
“Who cares?” shrugs the Stranger, while gulping down the beer in a single go.
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A couple of animals exit the bar. All the animals, that had no place to fit in. All the animals that didn't belong. A rabbit, a cat, a goldfish, a squirrel, a bear, a fox, a goat, a pigeon, an eagle, a chicken in an alien costume and a dog.
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“I will also follow my destiny,” speaks the eagle with determination. His heart is also activated.
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“Alright,” says a bear with burning eyes. “Let's try going north... Perhaps this is how we'll finally get to Axis Mundi.”
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“Going north... that sounds fun,” says the smiling fox. “Let's see how far, we'll come.”
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“We are all gonna die anyway,” sighs the pessimistic goat.
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“I never tried going north before,” contemplates the curious pigeon.
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“10 bucks, that I am first at the top of the volcano,” bets the black cat, while looking at her claws.
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“Deal,” agrees the dog, while hunting his own tail.
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The rabbit thinks about the taste of carrots. She is hungry.
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The squirrel is simply happy and excited for the new adventure. She can't stop dancing.
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The goldfish has no idea, what he's actually doing. He just rolls around in a plastic bag.
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“I... I will also walk my path,” speaks up the brave chicken in an alien costume. For the first time, the chickens eyes start burning.
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Together, the new group of friends are traveling the northern road. Towards the volcano. As the sunset illuminates their backs, the animals start singing a new song. A song of excitement, of wonder and of bravery. A song, that goes something like: “We have found a way.”
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TO BE CONTINUED
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^{for more content visit:} We_Are_Humanity
^{Find previous part Here}
https://www.reddit.com/We_Are_Humanity/comments/1cg7yqg/what_it_means_to_walk_togethe
^{Find next part Here:}
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START JOURNEY HERE: https://www.reddit.com/We_Are_Humanity/comments/17zwf78/the_seeker_and_the_mysterious_stranger_part_1_of_7/
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Checkpoint 4
https://www.reddit.com/We_Are_Humanity/comments/1cbhoml/turning_shit_into_gold/
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Special Bonus Chapters:
THE ONE TRUE SEEKER AND THE QUESTION OF FREE WILL
https://www.reddit.com/We_Are_Humanity/comments/1cnaanw/special_bonus_chapter_the_one_true_seeker_and_the/

Tl;dr: I went from around 10 hours total of reading on KOReader per charge to 20+ hours total by turning on power saving mode. Might help on Kindle and MoonReader+ too, but haven't measured that.
Since InkPalm5 is on limited posting, and people have posted about their Inkpalms here, wanted to share this tip in case it helps anyone out!
On the pulldown menu of the Inkpalm Mini (and probably the Pro) the rightmost option is a power saver mode. It warns you turning it on throttles device performance. Turns out some reading apps are lightweight enough they can still be used more-or-less be used normally.
I've been trying it out and found I can get an estimated 20+ hours total reading time per charge according to KOReader battery stats (5% per hour, or less). This is up from an estimated ~10 hours total on regular settings.
Disclaimers:

• Using the side buttons to turn pages becomes flaky, but I don't notice any difference in function when I tap or swipe to turn the page.
• I did try this with Kindle and Moonreader+, and aside from similar flakiness with page turn using the physical buttons, they seem to function normally as well. But I haven't actually measured battery drain with these apps. Worth a shot anyway I think, since it can easily be toggled on/off.
• I'm specifying this as helpful for readers, since anything more resource intensive (e.g. Anki) gets buggy in my experience. Would not recommend.

Happy reading!
P.S. To actually turn on power-saving mode I need to switch the language to Chinese for a few seconds. In English the warning message is was not compact enough to display the button to approve it.
I just went into settings and changed the language to Chinese, pulled down the menu right away so I could turn on the mode (make sure to also tell it not to warn you again, so you can easily toggle!) Then switched the language back to English.

Hello. I (23F) still getting alimony from my father which is (49M) and he currently wanted to end it with paying - he have foreclosure, so they take his money from his paycheck and send it to me. He cant end it with just signed paper, he will need to take it to the court. So he tried to matipulate me to end it, saying I am not eligible for take it from him anymore and keep saying i need to end it right now so i will not pay fine for taking his money. He ended up plan meeting for me and court clerk to end this. But i ended up going to this meeting and court clerk said me i still can take it so why end it? Im currently in “disability pension” as im european and im getting half of minimal wage paycheck from country. He pay my whole life since i was 5 y.o. Same amout of money (my classmate had 2x bigger alimony and her dad had similiar paycheck, she had 3 sibilings), i have only one other brother which i never met (from father side).. (its like 6,5% of his whole paycheck), my younger brother get 11% of his paycheck.
So as i found out i can still get these money i tell him why he said me to end it? He answered im adult and i dont need it, i can get a job and its my problem and im ungrateful. Also he said my boyfriend (25M) need to take care of me - we live with our families, not together. He sometimes help me with financial things but he still do school, so its not much from him and i didnt expected from him take care of me.
I had my hip joint broken and docs didnt repair it well, so im waiting since i was kid to had it replaced (probably in 2-3 years, im on wait list which was stopped since covid in past), i also have knee problems and back problems. Got migraines and headaches multiple times per month and also i have mental health problems (bpd, adhd, anxiety and social anxiety). I tried in past jobs but i suffered from pain very much, so i just cant handle it.
Since then he cant stop spam me with messages like “when u will end it” or “how its possible to have bf which didnt take care of u, liar”, “ure bad person and ur dissapointed ur grandma”. He dont believe i can take from him the alimony. If he want to stop, he will need to take me to the court - court empoye said me.
Also he beat my mother as i was 1 y.o., cheat on her, was alcoholic and make big debt.. my mother divorced him when i was 2. Since then my mother and grandma from her taked care of me. In court he said he dont want to meet me. I didnt see him until i was 14, when my mother and i was on court bcs doctors fcked up my hip joint operation - so i can get compensation (i didnt get). Since then he sometimes messaged me and was mad when i was not like “i forgive u”, he wasnt ever like father to me. He start more messaging to me since he want to end alimony.
I dont know how to solve this. Im sure i dont want to be in contact with him, but also grandma from his side dont deserve stop contact - but she will defend my father, im unsure if shes good person as she still takling about my other grandma from mother side which died, in bad ways which idont like.
Am i bad person for taking alimony still? It help me very much with my live, as i pay for many medications and rehabilitation to live without pain.
How to solve this? One of my part says we need that money for important things - even ending at court.. but other side of me feels bad about taking it and feel anxious about it, even with lost that money wanna end it.
I plan to cut my father from my life, just for his actions to me. But dont know if stay on contact with grandma is good idea as she will defend him.
Am i bad person? Do i need to cancel alimony? Or keep? What to do.. i feel sad and anxious about this.

Hi everyone,
Unfortunately I’m new here :(
Current age: 25, male
History: - Started having lower back pain at age 15 - Went to a rheumatologist after a couple of months - Got diagnosed with early nr-axSpA (HLA B27 negative but slight sacroilitis visible in MRI + brother has Crohns). - Tried a few NSAIDs but they didn’t really help. At some point I just accepted that I have lower back pain and gave up. - However that pain pretty much disappeared at some point - Was able to have an active lifestyle (cycling, hiking, swimming, yoga etc) and never felt limited. - I didn’t even remember what I was diagnosed with when the following started: - In January (age 25) I was a tiny bit ill (I think), then after I felt fine again I went hiking (strenuous), next day I felt ill again, felt shortness of breath and my chest started hurting (at the sternum). - Thought I was having a heart attack, went to the ER, they checked me and said the heart is fine. - Went to cardiologist for a follow up, he thought I might have a mild pericarditis and said I should take ibuprofen for a week. The pain went away but then came back when I stopped (less strong). - Also saw a pneumologist because of shortness of breath but he said all tests look fine. - I then researched a lot and concluded I had costochondritis, started stretching and using a backpod & lacross ball. - I believe it’s been helping, the pain is very mild now but I also haven’t really “tested” it recently by doing anything strenuous. - Then last week I started having a bit of heel pain (at the back end) on both feet. I can walk, it’s just not very comfortable…
Current symptoms: - Mild costochondritis - Mild enthesitis (“fat pad syndrome”) on both heels - Often feel like I need to breath deeply / not getting a satisfying breath. Thinking about breathing all the time - Hands & lower arms have always been prone to hurting if I overuse them (but always calms down quickly) - Feeling slightly fatigued / needing more sleep (could also be mental as of course I’m not in the best mood since this started)
Blood: - HLA B27 negative - hsCRP: 0.66 - ESR: 1 - Full blood count: all normal
I have scheduled an appointment with my rheumy for next Tuesday. My questions for her are below.
Questions: 1. Does these symptoms make sense with nr-axSpA? I basically have no back pain. Why suddenly all these peripheral issues 2. Is being HLA B27 negative a good or bad sign re prognosis and how effective biologics are in case I need them? 3. Can we somehow test if my shortness of breath is due to physical constraints of the chest? I’m more flexible than my girlfriend so I highly doubt there has been any kind of fusing that could cause breathing issues. 4. Is there anything I can do apart from continuing my stretching / physio and NSAID? I doubt the risk profile of DMARD or Biologics make sense with my still fairly small issues.
Can you guys think of anything else I should ask? Getting an appointment is always difficult so would like to make the most of this one.
Thank you

This isn’t a question as it is an elaborate answer. I’ve been looking for answers pertaining to this question for a while now and since I made a YouTube video essay on it, I can finally share my own answer to this question. (If ur interested the video is titled “is ascended Astarion Cazador 2.0?” - KOOLPLUG)
Note: the following essay is copy pasted from the video script so it’s got a few fillers in it.
INTRODUCTION This videoessay evaluates the arguments posed in the debate between whether Astarion is "Cazador 2.0" or not. The phrasing, "Cazador 2.0" originates from a conversation at camp between Astarion and the player after his Ascension. This essay will question the validity of that phrase in light of Astarion's character, Cazador's rules and even Cazador's master- Vellioth's lessons. (as of current update x).
THE CYCLE OF ABUSE Before trying to draw parallels and contrasts between ascendant Astarion and Cazador, it is important to understand why the term "Cazador 2.0" is mentioned in a dialogue choice to begin with. The reason for this, is that an important theme in Astarion's story is the cycle of abuse and its perpetuation. This is hinted to the players by the existence of not just Cazador being abusive towards Astarion, but the existence of Cazador's abusive master- Vellioth, that players can learn about by exploring Cazador's mansion. Furthermore, the existence of this theme is explicitly made clear in the story when Astarion, choosing not to ascend, admits that the player saw it in him to end the "cycle of abuse" that had perpetuated for centuries. Being able to use the term "cazador 2.0" after Astarion's ascension, proves that the cycle has not been broken and might continue to exist through him. Some dialogues within the game even suggest that the spawn player becomes to Astarion, what Astarion was to Cazador. Also, it should be noted that the dialogue options in Baldur’s Gate serve a few purposes. firstly that dialogue options in Baldur's Gate 3 aim to emulate the freedom and flexibility of playing traditional Dungeons & Dragons (D&D) tabletop sessions, where players interact with a Dungeon Master (DM) who responds dynamically to their actions and dialogue choices. This diversity in dialogue options, ranging from calculated responses to unhinged ones, serves the purpose of recreating the immersive experience of D&D gameplay, where players feel empowered to shape the narrative and express themselves within the game world. At the same time, another purpose of the dialogue options within the game is to serve as a tool for story-telling on it’s own. It is this purpose that helps us understand the world of Baldur’s gate 3 better and one that most of the inferences in this video are based on. and to provide a better background, the rules being discussed in this video are rules of vampiric existence mentioned during different parts of the gameplay. Vellioths rules are exposed when exploring cazadors palace and cazadors rules are explained during a dream Astarion has in his origin run.
VELLIOTH'S LESSONS Before we move onto Cazador's rules it is important to look at Vellioth's lessons. This is because a dialogue by Astarion suggests that Cazador copied and derived his rules from his master- Vellioth's. ("He stole everything. Even his precious rules.")
Vellioth's first lesson is to always to dominate. and allow none to be your equal: This is a rule that leads Cazador to treat those around him as inferior. In the case of Astarion, Cazador belittles and demeans him by calling him his pet, imperfect, and a weak, pathetic boy who never amounted to anything. Similary, ascended Astarion tries to assert control over the romanced player and doesn't allow them to be his equal. While Astarion hasn't been outright demeaning and even calls the player flowery terms like beautiful and perfect, an insight check reveals that Astarion thinks that the player is degrading themself by staying with him. A contrast to this is spawn Astarion who after choosing not to ascend says that he sees the player as his equal (spawn becomes an equal and share his future with you). Similarly when Cazador once broke this rule of Vellioth's and confided in a friend, he was forced to watch Vellioth drain his friend dry. (this stroke of luck that gave Astarion a chance Cazador didn't have will be discussed in yet another video.) Vellioth's second lesson is that power comes from solitude. to share with others is to be weak, fail and die: This once again ties in with treating others as inferiors. Furthermore, the players are told that Cazador had once rebelled against this rule which led him to be impaled for 11 years. This is akin to Astarion being buried alive for a year. I imagine Cazador thinks he went easy on Astarion by not impaling him for 11 whole years…It can be inferred that this as well as previous horrific experiences makes Cazador lean towards loneliness and isolation (cazador in his coffin: "these deathless dreams hold memories of a mortal life once-forgotten. of the boy I was, the man I became, the monster that will not end. I sleep but cannot rest. I live, but cannot die. I am eternal and I grieve. consummatum est- ego cecidi"). Huh, so someone as cold hearted as Cazador once had dreams and a friend he could confide in. It’s almost as if monsters are born from the choices we make. A parallel with Astarion here occurs after breaking up with his ascended version. At the epilogue party he admits that he too is lonely in the crimson palace, but he is sure that he is not as lonely as his former lover. The third and final lesson is to act not in haste. and that a near immortal has time to plan time to act only when others will pay the price of action. The players are then told about how during the rite of perfect slaughter Cazador killed Vellioth and proceeded to take everything he owned from him. Similarly when Astarion ascends, he kills Cazador in the rite of profane ascension and goes on to steal the castle and Cazador's status for himself. (I was amused by this cycle of failed vampires and wrote a fanfic based on this) This is in contrast to spawn Astarion who burns the crimson palace down in a particular ending. In a nutshell Ascended Astarion has applied each of vellioth’s lessons and may as well be considered Vellioth 3.0. By the way, if ur enjoying the video then consider liking and subscribing for more videos like these.
CAZADOR'S RULES Before we move onto each of Cazador's rules I find it imperative to first explain that Astarion may not superficially seem like Cazador in the following rules.This is because Astarion employs them in a different manner. Also, the parallels do start treading into a gray area when considering the some of the rules. Cazador rules:
the first is, thou shalt not drink the blood of thinking creatures for which I couldn't find a parallel yet. So we will have to count this rule as an exception. the second rule says that thou shalt obey me in all things. Astarion follows this rule when the spawn player asks whether he can compel them. He dodges the question instead by saying (why would I need to? you're going to be wonderfully obedient.) Some people miss this details as a comparison because they attribute the dialogue to his playfulness or love. This misconception occurs because Astarion isn't as blunt as Cazador. Instead he uses flowery words and presents these rules not as commands, but as the player's own choice through a layer of romantic implications. He knows how to subtly get what he wants from the player because manipulation and flattery are his skills. He even employs this tactic by using terms like "consort" (vampire bride) instead of "spawn" when the player asks him what will happen to them. This is not to say that ascended Astarion doesn't love the player. Quite the contrary. both versions of Astarion love the player in their own unique ways in accordance with their character development. Ascended Astarion mostly just has his walls guarded and puts up an (performance of x character from movie) air of confidence while spawn Astarion is more vulnerable and silly. The third rule states, thou shalt not leave my side unless directed. Once again, Astarion subtly suggests this rule by saying (just dont stray too far, but you'd never dream of doing that. would u?) framing it like a choice instead of an order. However there is an exception to this rule in one of the endings where the player romances ascended Astarion and he allows them to go to Avernus with Karlach. So this makes it hard to say how serious he is about enforcing these specific rules. the final rule states thou shalt know that thou art mine which easily enough draws a parallel to ascended Astarion's possessive dialogues. (keep you all to myself)"you are mine forever" (same way that Astarion tells tav: thats what you want isnt it? to be mine forever) So in terms of cazador’s rules, 2 out of 4 seamlessly apply to ascended Astarion. It’s possible Astarion’s approach to vampirism, combining both cazadors and Vellioths rules suggests his own rules of vampiric existence. OTHER SIMILARITIES Apart from the lessons and rules, there are other similarities between Astarion and Cazador exemplified in the following clips: "own your body, kill your mind." (my mind was dulled in the bedouirs: after ascension)
They both once were kinder, eg cazador and his friend, astarion and sebastian.
Cazador calls Astarion ungrateful in the crypt and Astarion calls Tav ungrateful when they ask for freedom.
Both are power hungry. Blinded by power (Astarion says that he was almost blinded by it like Cazador)
The strongest indicator of ascended Astarion being like cazador lies in his intention to follow in Cazador's footsteps. He intends to be like Cazador whether he realizes it or not. In a dialogue that draws a comparison between him and Cazador, Astarion says that he is so much better than Cazador was. Specifically because he “achieved what Cazador only dreamed about.” (And now my ambitions can take me anywhere I want.) Astarion’s understanding of being "better" than Cazador is merely surpassing him in his own game. He is not "better" in terms of what debauchery Cazador may have committed because its very clear Ascended Astarion intends to commit the very same or similar deeds if not with his own flourish. (Scene where Astarion talks about the disappearances etc during epilogue party)
CONCLUSION Based on the abundant evidence it isn’t a stretch to call Astarion Cazador 2.0, Vellioth 3.0 or another abusive vampire lord 8.0. In fact, it aligns well with the main concept of the cycle of abuse in Astarion’s story. Yes there are a few gray areas with the rules and Astarion is not exactly like Cazador but the story shows us that neither was Cazador exactly like Vellioth. Yet they all succumbed to the decision that to stop being abused they needed to become the abuser. That the fear ingrained in them was their only reality for it was all they had known for so long. And eventually they traded an endless hunger that consumed blood with a hunger for power that would soon consume them. If u liked this video then do subscribe and like to promote it within the YouTube algorithm. And comment what u think about it. Do u think Ascended Astarion is Cazador 2.0? does the romanced player somehow change this equation or make it worse? Share your thoughts below.

I have some trauma where breakups (even when they are mutual) cause me to panic and grovel and try to keep that person in my life, in spite of me being fully aware that I was not happy in the relationship. I take on the role of the "fixer", accept all of the blame, and try to negotiate their way back into my life because I don't want to accept that the relationship failed.
I also still love them even if I know they aren't right for me. The disappointment just feels so devastating to my system and I'd rather (really rather) not have the ending happen at all. In these moments I have a hard time recognizing that they are likely going through the same thing, and I've been accused of being selfish for not recognizing the pain they are in too.
This can make breakups especially hard because I end up trying to insert myself into the last opportunities for connection with the person I am about to lose. They tend to be friendly at first then get a little annoyed because I don't give them "space" because the reality of the situation is that they are about to be removed from my life forever... but it's so triggering to accept that.
I have some kind of blank space in my mind where "space" doesn't make sense to me until they say "I don't want to talk anymore", then it finally makes sense. I think it might be because my requests for space as a kid didn't count for anything and I was always smothered and emotionally manipulated into appeasing my abuser before they would go away. I obviously don't do that now but I wish I had an easier time letting go, and any time my ex partner gets annoyed with me after I text them 1 msg too much I start a shame spiral thinking I've now become my abuser.
If anyone has similar triggers, would you mind sharing how you deal with breakups?
I am trying to move forward to EMDR with my therapist but she is slowing down the process because she wants to do parts work first. I am actually quite irritated about this because I feel like a generally whole and happy person, but these stupid triggers are pushing me to act out of character and act outside of my own interest.