I finally trusted you again and I'm heart broken. I thought we were at at point where we would eventually be able to work through this together. It wasn't there yet but, there was hope again.
You were becoming a good Dad and a caring romantic partner.
I've had glimmers of hope through out the years:
-Fruit strip gum and 5th grade mouth shirt.
-When you asked me out in 6th grade and we had a homework date, with your weird nice Dad on his dial up internet.
-When you kissed me on my roof, while I was wearing my striped Contempo belly shirt (the next time we hung out you asked if you could pick Rosemary's sunflowers to give to Rae)
-When we went to homecoming together (but you took shrooms with Vinnie, so you were off, we danced a little.)
-When we had strange sex on your dorm room couch (my first time.) Followed by you discarding me when we were supposed to hang out next, after having my Mom drive 3 hours to get you, you didn't hang out with me when we got home. You NEEDED to go to the mall with again, Rae. I guess not a glimmer.
-Then I guess we were sex friends and kind of together, you spent lots of time at my house. You were so kind to my family (other than the time we got my 11 year old brother high and potentially ruined his mental health forever. This timeline isn't accurate but I thought of it.

• You were kind to my brother. Thank you for that. You really were a great brother in law to him. Be probably misses you.

-When you moved in with me . You had no where else to go but I pretended it was because you wanted to be with me. (We had some good times there, our room was toxic)
-We did ecstasy and had sex the football field. That was fun.
-You introduced me to your cold, cold family. They told/tell me I'm family too but that dynamic is weird. I don't envy that upbringing.
-We were a long distance couple but it was official. I ruined my education to make it work. I don't really regret that you're better than an education at that school.

• You told me a ghost told you we had to be together. I believed that piece only. Blocked out all the red flags, including Jessica (we've gone over that enough.) Dropped out of college and ran to you. You went back to her.

-She dumped you (finally, how many abortions later?) and you called me and played the thrown away song (not a glimmer, I was just glad you broke up, remember I made a decision to love you when I was 13.)
-You got jealous that I had a boyfriend and I brought his dog home from Florida. We had sex on my Mom's porch.
-You came down to Florida and saw I had good friends and was doing ok without you, you wanted me back (but you wanted to keep fucking all the strange that you were fucking and were ok with me doing the same until we got back together. I never touched anyone after that call, I don't care if you did.)
-Our Fernwood house was nice, I loved that you got me Stoops. You punched a hole in the door that I fixed witb painters plaster and we hung out with Jamie too much ( one night while I was sleeping I think something might have happened with you two but if you read everything before this you can see I'm not feeling secure in this relationship so who knows.)
-You were nice to my family, you loved my Mom and could converse with "Cool Cal," Diane and Jackie (they're tough.)

• You started talking about the band. You played a song (I didn't think it was that good, I didn't tell you that.) I wanted you to be famous, you deserve that. You're amazing!

-We went to California. You were so anxious and cruel the day we left. Then you told me you "just wanted to take care of me." My Mom told me to never be with someone who said that, that's what my Dad said to her. I didn't listen.

• You never got a job when we lived in Caifornia, I was OK with that. No one else was including Jesse. You took care of the house and made me food and really seemed to love me. I was happy. (I don't care if you did weird shit on tour, you came back to me,)

-We came back to Michigan, we built a home. We were broke and lost together.

• We went to Karen and Tom's wedding, I was proud to have you by my side, we were in love and I was pregnant.

-YOU DID NOT WANT KIDS (you told me this when we were about 17, you said you wanted to be with me but didn't want kids, maybe we would adopt when we were older.)
-I'm sorry I never listened to your words and tried to wish you into the person I dreamed you were. That's too much to live up to. I really am sorry I do this.
-We had the kids and they make all of this worth it.
-We didn't have 1 of them. I couldn't have another one without your support. We had sex on the washing machine and you told me you loved me and we could keep that baby. The next day you changed your mind. I didn't really want to do it again either but it felt good for a few minutes that you were agreeing to one.
-I cried and cried at that appointment once I was called back, you hardly looked at me while we were waiting, you were stoic. I couldn't have anymore kids with someone that didn't want them.
-I saw a blue meteor, I thought we should buy the blue house. The one I knew you would love, that came up on Zillow from time to time. I never told you about it because it was way too much work. Only the best version of both of us could handle that house.
-Zelda came, I was so happy for that one glimmer when that test was negative. But it wasn't.
-You told me "don't expect anything from me when that baby comes." I should have listened to your words
-Covid- I have writing longer than this and pictures of all the horrible, violent, heinous shit you said when that hit. I thought we would reset and bond and spend quality family time. Ha, see above. What the fuck is wrong with me? I have hope.
-Divorce. You threatened to kill me and all our kids. That's probably time to stop pretending this is working.
-I didn't stop pretending, we kept on. I held you and excused you and supported you. I fucked you with a passion I could never give you before because really it was already over and it didn't matter.
-It started to matter, you were helpful and kind again. You had your set backs but you seemed ready to finally commit to me and the kids.

• You went nuts, I soldiered on trying to make a living to support 3 kids, putting my interests on the shelf. I pushed you away so they wouldn't have to see you like that. I wanted to help you but I needed to protect them more.

-I asked you to get yourself help, you did.
-You called me a trigger and found your support from other women and not me.
-I feel lost without you, this is what I know.
-I feel like you can finally protect and love the kids.
-That's good!
-I'm strong but I need support too. You can't give that to me. I am choosing not to love you so I can find someone who will.

• I let you do this because I choose to love you. Why did you do?

*This shit is really a cycle and I've spun out at 43. I don't regret any of it, he gave me 3 beautiful kids. I was trying to me positive with this but almost every poitive thing is riddled with underlying negative that I pretended wasn't there at the time. *
If he/she's great but constantly makes makes you feel uneasy it's time to go!
Night, night 🌙 strong ladies and gents!

Firstly, I hope everyone is only spending money they can indeed afford to lose and aren’t ruining their lives on these apps. That said, curious to know how many people are actually net positive? I know we see a lot of winning tickets posted on Reddit but that ain’t always the big picture.
Personally I’ve had lot of ups and downs over my year on FD but sadly I’m negative like $600. If you’re comfortable sharing, how are the rest of y’all fairing?
View Poll

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aUOUAr-WvFk
1:37 - Traits of a Narcissist
A narcissist has an insatiable need for admiration, affirmation, and validation, all of which are their drug of narcissistic supply. They believe themselves to be superior and grandiose, they're arrogant, they lack empathy, they're exploitative, they have unreasonable demands of people. These are all traits that are opposite from the traits of Jesus Christ and yet a religious context is often the most optimal place for a narcissist to freely practice their narcissism while appearing virtuous or pious. So I'm going to share with you 10 insights into why narcissists love religion and how they use it to serve their own purposes.
2:22 - Why It's Important to Understand Why Narcissists Love Religion
It's important to understand these things because Jesus warns his followers to beware of false prophets which come to you in sheep's clothing but inwardly they are ravenous wolves. Hopefully these 10 insights will help you hack into whether or not you're dealing with a true follower or true shepherd or minister of Christ or a narcissist who is posing as one of these roles instead of being there to serve.
2:51 - #1 - The Abundance of Narcissistic Supply to be Had
The first reason why narcissists love religion is because of the abundance of narcissistic supply that could be had. It's a reality there is so much narcissistic supply to be had in religious settings. And narcissistic supply, as I mentioned before, is the praise, admiration, validation, honor, sense of significance that a narcissist is addicted to in order to regulate their negative emotions. So a religious context provides an easy platform for a narcissist because they could get access to a stage or a pulpit or a mic or some means to exert influence where they can gain all of that admiration and praise or a sense of superiority where they can present themselves as godly or pious individuals or chosen by God or specially anointed, all of this to gain validation and attention from people. And like I mentioned all of these things are a drug that a narcissist is addicted to and it is what actually feeds them, more than actually being in a relationship with God but to the pure all things are pure so there are many people in church and religious contexts who are honest good-hearted who believe the best about others and so they can be gullible to the narcissists around them who have disguised themselves as pious people for the sake of getting narcissistic supply and this is truly an evil because a narcissist pursuit of narcissistic supply comes at the cost of destroying and stepping on other people without any regard for their welfare.
4:32 - #2 - The Allure of Control and Power
The second reason why narcissists love religion is because of the alert of control and power. Religion offers a structure of beliefs and practices that can be manipulated by narcissists to exert control over others. For example a narcissist may twist and distort doctrines and scriptures to justify their authority and demand obedience from followers they could create God in their own image, which a lot of them do rather than follow and conform themselves to the God of the Bible. This kind of control feeds into the narcissist need for domination and power and it can get to a dangerous point where religious narcissist replaces God with themselves where they subtly over time position themselves as intermediaries between individuals and God. A narcissist might manipulate followers into believing that they alone possess the ability to interpret God's will or to speak on his behalf a narcissist does this whether consciously or unconsciously to elevate themselves to a divine status in the eyes of their followers and they may never say that they are doing this outright because no person would ever accept a human saying that you have to worship them like a god but a narcissist will certainly have structures and systems in place to make this a reality. And a follower or member of that religious context might not even realize what is happening until one day they notice that this narcissist has taken on an increasingly central role in their life and is dictating their decisions and their behaviors as if they were the ultimate authority. If you notice that you might be in a spiritual environment like this or someone you love might be and you're wondering if there's spiritual abuse going on or if it's a cult I put together a checklist to help you assess that situation and you can get access to it by clicking on the link in the description box below it's a really good tool to help you identify if the religious context you're in is toxic or has turned into a cult.
6:47 - #3 - Camouflage for Manipulation
The third reason why narcissists love religion is because it serves as a camouflage for manipulation. Religious contexts serve as a perfect camouflage for narcissist to disguise their true intentions these are places where it's easy for narcissists to cloak their behaviors and demands in spiritual language where they can manipulate and exploit others while appearing righteous and virtuous at the same time. And what better setup could there be for a covert narcissist who can continue acting narcissistic while appearing like a saint in the process there's no other place except churches and ministries and religious environments.
7:29 - #4 - Their ability to exploit certain teachings for personal gain
The fourth reason why narcissists are drawn to religion is because of their ability to exploit certain teachings for personal gain. Many religious communities emphasize principles like forgiveness, redemption, giving a second chance, reconciling, turning the other cheek, submitting to authority, and narcissists exploit these teachings extensively. They may present themselves as repentant as enlightened or they could be demanding forgiveness and reconciliation from others while refusing to cultivate Christ-like virtues within themselves so all this manipulation allows them to continue exploiting others behind this facade of being Godly.
8:15 - #5 - It allows them to Idolize their Self-Image
The fifth reason why narcissists love religion is because it allows them to idolize their self-image. Narcissists often have an inflated sense of self-importance and believe that they are special or unique so religion can offer a platform to reinforce this idealized self-image where they can portray themselves as chosen by God or having special spiritual gifts or insights or anointing.
8:44 - #6 - The Lack of Accountability
The sixth reason why narcissists love religion is because of the lack of accountability. Some denominations or churches or contacts might have more accountability than others but narcissist tend to gravitate towards those religious contexts that don't have much or have very little. Many religious narcissists exploit religious settings because they perceive them to be environments where their behaviors are less likely to be questioned or challenged so this lack of accountability allows them to continue their manipulative tactics without being questioned or challenged.
9:23 - #7 - It Gives Them a Get-Out-of-Jail Free Card from Having to Self-Reflect
The seventh reason why narcissists love religion is because it gives them a get out of jail free card from having to self-reflect. Narcissists typically struggle with self-awareness and introspection so religion offers a way for them to avoid confronting their own wounds or trauma or shortcomings by focusing on outward religious performance or acquiring religious knowledge, all this outward stuff that they can focus on. It's like Jesus saying to the Pharisees they're like these whitewashed tombs; they look beautiful and nice on the outside but inside they're full of dead man's bones. The attraction to religion allows a narcissist to spiritually bypass themselves where they can use all kinds of spiritual language like it's all washed by the blood or things like that to avoid dealing with deeper unresolved trauma within themselves and getting healed from it because there is power in Christ for healing but you have to do the work.
10:26 - #8 - Entitled and Exploit People in those Contexts
The eighth reason why narcissists love religion is is because it's easy for them to be entitled and to exploit people in these contexts in religious settings. Narcissists may feel entitled to special treatment or privileges due to their perceived spiritual status they might exploit others trust and vulnerability for their own personal gain and control. Narcissists may expect people to serve them, like a slave, free of charge. For instance, because they believe that they have a God-like status or they might expect people to hand their wealth over to them or neglect their own families in order to put the narcissist first all in the name of God.
11:09 - #9 - They Can Create a God in Their Own Image
The ninth reason why narcissists love religion is because they can create a God in their own image. Narcissists are not interested in cultivating Godly virtues within themselves as I mentioned before they would rather project their own traits onto God viewing him as judgmental, angry, or traits that resonate more with their narcissistic personality, more than who God actually is. And this kind of behavior allows narcissists to maintain a sense of superiority and justification for their actions.
11:43 - #10 - The Facade of Moral Superiority
The 10th reason why narcissist love religion is the facade of moral superiority religion provides narcissists with this platform to project a false sense of being moral or virtuous or Godly. And they can create this facade by practicing all the religious rituals and portray themselves in a certain way in front of people like this upstanding citizen, but in reality they could be practicing all kinds of dark deeds in private without people knowing hiding their true intentions all with this mask of piety and so that can serve very well for many narcissists and to enable them to continue their dark practices in secret while people are believing that they are this Godly pious person and that is actually a very hypocritical way to live and Jesus actually condemned these kinds of practices because that is what the religious leaders were doing in Biblical times but many narcissists gravitate towards religious settings in order to be able to continue living out this hypocritical lifestyle.
So understanding why narcissists are drawn to religion is really important in order to recognize and address the manipulation that can happen in churches and ministries while many churches and ministries promote cultivating Christ-like qualities. Sadly those same places attract narcissist to them because of opportunities it presents for control and admiration and validation but hopefully by being aware of these dynamics we can hopefully discern between genuine spiritual leaders and those who are using religion to drive their own ego-driven motives. Remember Jesus warned against the false prophets so hopefully by applying these insights we can navigate relationships in churches and ministries and operate with God's wisdom and discernment where we can be as shrewd as a snake and as innocent as a dove.
*Thanks to u/Jdub20202 for the video recommendation.

putting a tw for: body shaming at a young age, negative food talk, emotional neglect/abuse possibly, bad negative self talk, derealisation, body dysphoria issues, suicidal talk/depression, weight loss talk. plz be advised when reading or don’t if its too heavy.
also this is long, im just hoping someone would take the time to read and provide what they can. no one is obligated to read, thanks.
im genuinely starting to get upset and its killing me inside, when i look for support or any help anywhere there is none. all the content on instagram is targeted towards those who’ve made it past that age and survived having to cover up or not dress how they want. no one ever seems to care about the teen and tween girls who currently deal with this kind of stuff cause it seems to them it doesn’t exist anymore. its disappointing to see and shows i dont belong in any community so i’ve come here
im currently 17 and for the past multiple years ever since i started being heavier around the end of 5th grade it feels like my father has been more ashamed of his daughters body and has tried to cover me up and tell me what i should wear. im also dealing with covering up my severe depression and trauma so theres more thats kinda related to this but i dont want to stray off topic
when i was four my dad put me in the child acting industry based in la/weho. that wasn’t that traumatic for me honestly and didn’t take away from being a child but during that time my dad would sometimes get angry when i wanted a snack such as chips or a cookie, he would threaten me and be like “youre gonna grow as big as a house” or “of course you want the cookies”. keep in mind i was only in early elementary school around this time. and in fifth grade he signed me up for this shoot where it was some sort of tv pilot pitch where it was described as the biggest loser for kids and they had other slimmer kids on set that wore fat suits basically and i was the biggest one there. i belived i had to have a fitness routine at 11 in the fifth grade and started working out for two days
into middle school i started getting known for being a bigger girl but i remember around 7th-8th grade my dad kept saying how the clothes i had were too small when i was just trying to dress trendy or like similar styles like any middle school girl. if not that then it was stuff that was too “childish” or fit snug on me. this is when i started to feel totally repulsed about my body and dreaming about wearing what i wanted. and even to this day he periodically will get upset and disappointed in me being dressed down with my hair up just to do something mundane or for my therapy appointment. i was wearing hoodies or shirts with leggings. i remember when we were at six flags for my birthday and i was wearing a cute tank top that slightly showed a bit of tummy and he forcibly pulled the shirt down.
and getting into high school and up into this point he periodically, gets mad and upset when im wearing a certain outfit to go somewhere simple or drags me into the plus sized women’s section of kohls to look for clothes i don’t need and want. i remember when he took me to get my blood drawn i was on my period and wore pants that i typically do cause im uncomfy naturally on it and he got mad and i went into my room trying to calm down and not argue because its pointless with him, and i already knew he was gonna come in and go in my closet and tell me to change into a different pair of pants i don’t wear or what he liked. i always have to please what he likes or i should be wearing in my size.
up until recently he’s telling me i need to get a new wardrobe, that all my clothes are small when they just fit snug or my tummy shows through, (i go thrifting with my mom alot), and convincing me to shop in the plus sized women’s section of jcpenny and kohls. mind you he’s in his early 60s so i dont wanna hear “who still shops there” cause thats not making me feel better about myself at all. i remember he took me to see the women’s shorts and pants, all straight fitting long shorts that were two sizes too big on me. him sending me pictures of mens shirts that are oversized on me because i have some mens pants that i wear as jeans. when he took me shopping recently for athletic wear and told me i NEEDED new shorts and pants because the ones my mom gets are “too tight” when they fit me comfortably and the shorts i have to try on are long and big on me, i literally put them on and feel disgusting like im dressing for pe class, i dont say anything other than they just look plain in which he tells me im not supposed to look stylish at the gym and be comfortable. but when i wear them to the gym they keep falling down on me past half my ass no matter how much i have the draw string tied and im constantly pulling them up. when i have to struggle to not tell him i dont like any of the stuff he chooses for me or think fits since he gets mad and angry about it but also gets upset when i dont wear any of the things he gets me. and for the past two years i start to realize why he’s getting me to wear oversized or bigger clothes for me, because anything my size is too tight basically.
he’s told me my first cosplay i put together myself at fifteen looks raggedy and made me look like a street urchin, he didn’t let me get thin framed glasses i liked that were in our budget because my head was too wide for them and they just looked ugly to him, when he got a dress i needed for a cosplay in my size he made my mom try it on before i did and told me it was tight on her, said that the brand name suggested it was too small, kept telling i needed a bigger size, then when i tried it on and it fit perfectly he kept wondering if it was too tight. i dont even want to do any cosplay or get better cause of him and i cant even dress or put effort in outfits like i did in middle school. now i just feel like a burden cause of my body, something that needs to be hidden away, like everything is my fault because im bigger.
i feel repulsed and never take pictures, only when i feel like i should. my dad doesn’t take pictures of me anymore or puts up any photos of me in middle school or high school like he did my brother, only those photos of me as a young child. now im dealing with binge eating habits that affect me, weighing more than my parents, having shame about eating in public, feeling guilt when i eat, and not feeling like a person. even if friends take fun pictures of me i feel freaked out. im not living, and i dont know how im supposed to be accepted by this community when im forced to hate myself in real life and get jealous over those who’ve already made it past the shame in hiding themselves or appealing to society’s standards. and this is on top of processing me hiding my autism and severe depression and trauma. i dont want to keep dealing with thinner people who dont understand. and dont even ask if my mother is better, she just tells me that my dad would hate certain clothes and constantly nags me about having to shop at torrid. and im hoping to move out into a dorm around next year but this is something that’s killing me besides other things and i dont have any support because im the biggest person i know personally.

I feel like since summer is approaching in the northern tropical hemisphere, that means rebounds and summer flings are going to be on the up and up.
So I’m here to help those who may not be aware of what a rebound actually looks like in paper and maybe have no idea they were in one at some point.
Heck, it can help many keep a grounded view of their ex is currently rebounding. It’ll help you cope a bit easier when you make sense of why they may have just suddenly in 60 days or less randomly jumped into a new relationship far too soon!
Anyway, let’s dive into this topic.
A rebound relationship means starting a new relationship before emotionally healing from a recent breakup.
Some people may use rebounds to suppress their emotions, get revenge on their ex, or avoid feeling alone.
The signs of a rebound relationship may be challenging to recognize, but emotionally unavailable people often focus on their past partners and fear commitment.
A rebound relationship typically develops when one person remains hyperfocused on their previous partner, keeping them from being fully present or invested in their new partnership.
Someone may harbor old feelings for an ex, whether positive or negative. Getting into another relationship before emotionally healing from the last one can leave their new partner feeling alone, invalidated, and underappreciated.
Here are ten signs you’re in a rebound relationship:

1. They Were in a Recent Breakup. The time needed to heal from a breakup depends on many factors, such as emotional investment and connection. People struggling with a recent breakup often seek ways to fill the void of a former partner. Therefore, you may be the rebound if your partner has ended a relationship within the last few months.
   
2. The Relationship Is Moving Very Fast. Your partner may be rebounding if the relationship is progressing faster than typical. People in rebound relationships often want to convince themselves (and others) that the relationship is genuine. They may push you to have sex, define the relationship, or even move in with them sooner than expected.
   
3. They Keep Comparing You to Their Ex. Another warning sign of a rebound relationship is constant comparisons to an ex. A rebounding partner views your actions, looks, and personality through a specific lens, expecting you to behave and appear the same as their ex.
   
4. They Have a Fear of Commitment. While commitment issues do not always hint to a rebound relationship, they can show the person is not ready to move forward with you. You may struggle with this, especially if you are willing to commit to this person.
   
5. The Focus of the Relationship is Sex. You may be in a rebound relationship if your partner is only interested in sex. Pay attention if you only get together for sex or avoid doing activities together outside of the bedroom.
   
6. Their Ex Is Always Around. Your partner may see you as a way to get back at their ex if you “coincidentally” run into them frequently. Your partner could monitor their ex’s social media to keep tabs on their location so they can “accidentally” run into them. In this case, you are the decoy used to create jealousy in the ex.
   
7. They Aren’t Trying to Get to Know You. A major red flag is when your new partner doesn’t care about important information, like your birthday, college major, or dog’s name. They may not be not interested in getting to know the real you, seeing you only as a stand-in for their ex.
   
8. They’re Always Posting on Social Media. Many rebounding people want their exes to see how “happy” they are with their new partners. For example, they may excessively post videos and pictures of their relationship with you. This behavior is out of jealousy and spite, not genuine love for you.
   
9. They Seem Really Bitter or Angry at Their Ex. A big sign someone is not over their past relationship is having unresolved bitterness or anger about an ex. Speaking poorly or bitterly about an ex is often a sign of a rebound relationship. They are not ready–or able–to move forward with you.
   
10. You Have a Bad Feeling Something Is Off. Our gut usually tells us when something isn’t right. You can’t quite put your finger on it, but the relationship just isn’t working. Perhaps you feel they are being dishonest or untruthful about their past relationship. Trust your gut.
    

Being in a rebound relationship can be disheartening, and learning the person you care about is rebounding with you can be devastating.
However, your partner may be unintentionally rebounding, and your relationship is not necessarily doomed. There are many different reasons people look for rebound relationships.
Sometimes they want to improve their self-esteem or get over someone they love.
Common reasons people seek rebound relationships include:
• To get over an ex: Getting into a new relationship can help people find a resolution over an ex-partner.
• To form an emotional connection: Someone may seek out a new relationship for the emotional connection they crave. When done in a forthcoming way, this can actually be healthy and even healing.
• To make their ex jealous: People who start new relationships and parade the new partner around often do so to make their ex jealous.
• To fill a void: Many people with anxious attachment or low self-esteem struggle with being alone. They might immediately find a new partner to avoid this uncomfortable feeling.
• To prove to themselves their recent breakup wasn’t their fault: A person may seek a rebound relationship if they worry about how they look to outsiders. Perhaps they are embarrassed or worried that they look bad to mutual friends and family after a breakup.
What to Do If You Are in a Rebound Relationship?
If you are in a rebound relationship, take a deep breath. You may blame yourself for the situation, but you probably couldn’t have prevented or changed the relationship.
You cannot force someone to be ready for commitment, and you do not deserve a partner who does not love you.
Here are a few tips on how to cope with being in a rebound relationship:
• Trust yourself: You know true love and care when you feel it. Don’t let a rebounding partner convince you otherwise.
• Focus on what you can and cannot change: Remember that being a rebound is not your fault. You cannot change the person, so focus on moving forward and finding a partner who values you (if you are ready).
• Practice self-care: Focus inward on your needs. What will help you recover from this situation? Turn to activities that bring you joy and pleasure.
• Leave the relationship: Consider breaking up with your partner if they are not meeting your needs. A rebound situation can be okay, but only if you are comfortable with the relationship boundaries.
• Lean on your support network: Seek support from friends and loved ones. They can provide much-needed guidance during challenging times.
• Get back out there: Don’t let this bad experience turn you off from dating. Many good people are out there waiting–just watch out for the rebounders!
Hopefully this helps answer a lot of questions, helps many learn the signs of one, and puts to rest any thoughts about ex’s for anyone in the group what a rebound actually looks like thru and thru.
Edit: Typo(s)

As the title suggests; I'm trying to find a method to trickle charge AEG batteries. This is relevant to me because I often use them while travelling, in places where I don't have access to power sockets or a vehicle. It's impractical to carry a large enough solar panel, mppt etc. to power an inverter.
The solution I tried so far was in order of current flow:
Small solar panel with USB output. 3w USB 5vDC to 1-24vDC voltage converter set to 20.8v. AEG charger. AEG battery.
In this configuration the AEG charger's lights turn on and stay on. The batteries lights begin to blink as is normal while charging. And then they turn off. Doing this repeatedly or for a sustained amount of time does not increase the voltage of the battery.
I also tried skipping the AEG charger, and plugging the USB device directly into the battery's positive and negative terminals. The batteries lights do not blink.
I am worried that the battery's BMS prevents trickle charging. Is there a way to test this safely?

Major waffle warning
I apologise as I admittedly stretched to make this relevant to this sub at all but I was interested to see people’s take on the subject here, given how it does indeed stem from history in which these two figures very heavily influenced at the time
I consider myself a moral (albeit mild) Christian, and I have no issue with the actual concept of immigration, diversity and so forth; it’s simply the very nature of the last century or so especially. Having studied economics at A-level and business at university (before dropping out in the final year for history; oopsies), I learnt all about globalisation and such which of course supports these very concepts and I simply can’t disagree to them
However, I’ll put it simply; illegal immigration, of any race or religion, is indeed illegal, and we should simply send these people on their merry way either back to where they came from or to wherever else they wish to take themselves but here (looking at you Calais)
There’s much social media outbursts (brainrot essentially) of our country’s ratios/percentages of diversity. We are still a country predominantly white Christian/white British; around 75/80% I believe. Our capital, and other cities, are always going to have a higher proportion of diversity, and we shouldn’t have issues with that matter in itself at all; so of course Inner London is only going to be around a third white etc
I live about 5 miles south east of Newcastle in a small village called Rowlands Gill; quite a decent estate that I specifically live in, just a street or two down from where one of the Hairy Bikers Si King used to reside, and asides for my Indian local barber, I genuinely cannot for certain guarantee any non-white person lives here, the entire village I’m talking, no joke. It just goes to show we need to look at our entire national breakdown of diversity to see, quite literally, the bigger picture
If we’re talking about such figures as Lionheart and Saladin, I think they were both rather reasonable (albeit heightened and sensitive at times) figures and examples of their respective religions, and would probably not be surprised at the extent England is in now, nor that of the Middle East (I’ll be quiet about Palestine because my views are inevitably going to contradict those of some others and vice versa)
Have I been called racist before? Absolutely. Have I been called anti-Muslim etc? Absolutely. Have I been told I favour white Christians over any other race or religion? Absolutely. Am I any of those things? No, I simply believe in putting good, reasonable yet still moral policies upon such immigrations; both illegal immigration and, well, immigration
Perhaps I apply to the latter of those three if anything, but I would expect absolutely anyone of any race and religion to be the exact same way regarding their country and their followers in faith; if you value both your God and your country, its history and its patriotism, you are not going to place its priority below others outside of it; that’s simply how it is
I’ll again admit I somewhat (or very rather) stretched the relevancy to the monarchy in order to post this here, but I was curious to see your take on the issues (of course ‘issue’ not always meaning a literal bad thing; there are some positive aspects to this I’m sure)
We are told to “love thy neighbours” (I have not read the entire Bible since I was a child so I’m not going to act like I’m an expert with any unique verses etc; hence my ‘mild’ Christian description) and I’d like to think I am a generally reasonable, soft, caring man on the inside towards anyone of any race, religion, general opinions etc, even if I tend to come off the rather opposite at times externally (I’m sensitive and take everything to heart and will admit to that)
I would always place God and Christians as ‘my people’ first, and no doubt I would expect Muslims, Jews and so on to do the same with their followers, and I don’t think that is wrong at all. However, that does not mean I’ve only ever been close to ‘my people’; at university for business my best friend was called Hussain from Bahrain (lol that rhymes), a very devout Muslim and I miss him dearly; I loved him from the very day we met. I remember one day we were literally discussing the prospects of these very issues arising here (and this was about 4 years ago); I remember he told me something along the lines of “I came here to a country of a different God, and because of this I and my fellow Muslims here must respect this land and its ways” and that is precisely the very logic I am going off; the words of a Muslim friend
I’ll put it like this; I love football; it’s one of the 3 cores of my 23 year life (well since a toddler anyway); football, history, and food (as in actual culinary aspects; I’m not that fat of a pig yet)…I support Liverpool. I’ve never lived there, I’ve only been a few times, and yet I support them; indeed an English team. Does that mean I automatically have no interest nor respect for rivalling clubs (except for cheating Manchester City breaching 115 accounts of finances) or even ‘hate’ these clubs in or out of England? No, absolutely not. I feel this same logic applies to the real world; real people and real religions.
Yes I’m patriotic and I don’t half waffle on about things, but we may as well say our thoughts rather than hiding them away within ourselves to no avail

Hi. This is quite a long post so please bear with me. I could really use some help. I’m gonna put as many details as I can in here.
Background details on me: I, (24 F) live in the UK. I’m generally healthy but slightly on the overweight side (my weight has fluctuated for as long as I can remember but the switch from on your feet retail work to office work has affected my weight) Ive never had any serious health issues apart from a blood clot on my lung when I was seventeen. Despite only being 24 - I am a recovered alcoholic. Over a year. My most recent liver function test was fine. I’ve given up cigarettes for almost two years and occasionally vape as a replacement (I know it’s terrible - I am trying to stop). I do not take drugs and am over 3 years drug clean.
My family history: on my mums side three generations have had cervical cancer. On my dad’s side stomach cancer and pancreatic cancer runs rife. My dad himself has a stomach issue called colitis.
The issue: Around eight months ago I started having these ‘pain episodes’. Always at night, never a specific food triggered it. About once every two weeks. This pain was on my left side underneath my ribs and lasted around five hours a time. It was too much to sleep but I could concentrate on a TV show if I wanted too. I originally passed it off as acid reflux but as it persisted I decided to go to the doctors. They felt my tummy. Asked me some questions about my diet and further said it was acid reflux. I was reccomended a common antacid and sent on my way.
Afew more weeks pass by and this pain persists. I now notice with every time it’s getting worse. I think to myself ‘surely acid reflux does not get THIS bad’. The pain episodes start lasting for around 7 hours. Does not matter whether I’m sitting, standing, laying down. Anything. I also noticed alongside this I felt I had a lot of trapped wind or like I needed to use the toilet without the ability too.
I went back to the doctor. They were annoyed I was back again with this issue but they listened. They now decided it could be a bout of gastritis caused by H.pylori and ordered me to submit a stool sample and IF it came back positive I’d be given antibiotics but they told me to eat bland food. Not spicy and not fried in the meantime. Which I did. This test came back negative and I was not contacted about any next steps.
More time goes by. I stick to the bland foods. The pain gets worse. I begin to get a lot of swelling in my upper abdomen when it comes. These episodes begin happening every other day. The only thing that makes me feel better? Forcing myself to vomit. And trust me, I’m not proud of it. But I tried hot water bottles, cold compresses, every position possible, antacids, encorperating more movement in my everyday. What else could I do? Once I realised the vomiting made the pain go away - that’s what I would do as soon as I felt it. I needed to be able to sleep because I had work early. I couldn’t be up all night in pain.
One night. I have a specifically terrible episode and end up in A&E. this time the vomiting didn’t help and actually made it worse. I now notice a little hard lump on my upper left abdomen that is there constantly. A&E take my blood and the results come back that my liver function is ever so slightly elevated. They feel my tummy. Tell me it’s gastritis. Send me home. By that point the pain subsided and I was exhausted. I wasn’t going to fight it.
I wake up the next day and the first thing I do is get a doctors appointment. I ask for the same doctor as last time. I give her all my symptoms. She notes the fact that I’ve noticeably lost weight since the last appointment. She feels my tummy and decides to refer me for an abdominal ultrasound to check my pancreas, liver, gallbladder and stomach. She also ordered blood tests to check me for celiac disease (again negative) and my liver again (it had returned to normal)
I waited for two months to get a refferal letter. As I write this - the scan date is just shy of a month away.
During this time. The pain has increased to daily. I vomit almost daily because it makes the pain atleast bareable verses unable to talk, or breathe, horrific pain. I went to A&E twice over it, nothing was done. I went to urgent care. They prescribed me lanzoprazole 30mg (one a day before food) hyoscine butylbromide 10mg (2 tablets 4 times a day). It helps, occasionally. I also still can’t go to the toilet and when I can (maybe once a week) it’s a real struggle. The movements are light in color.
I am always pale. I am always tired. My blood pressure is lower than normal for me but still in normal ranges
Basically. Any ideas of what this is? Anyone with similar stories. Are my doctors doing enough? I’m not convinced it’s gastritis or acid reflux. I’m doing everything I can. But this is getting pretty hard to live with.
Thankyou everyone.

Y'all had asked that I touch base after my recent reinfection. Here's that initial post, along with some thoughts after I hit 2.5 years last week: https://www.reddit.com/covidlonghaulers/comments/1azre3n/almost_two_years_late
This acute infection itself was actually super mild, felt like run-of-the-mill cold. This was my second, could have been third time with it. Start to stop was ~8 days. I started Metformin the second day and ran that for 2 weeks at 1500 mg daily (split into three doses). I chose not to take paxlovid as part of me thinks I'm in this boat in part due to Pfizer products. My choice, to each their own, no judgment on anyone for how they choose to live their life.
I've had a myriad of symptoms over the last 2.5 years with multiple hospital visits, soul-crushing fatigue, PEM, RLS, sleep issues, brain fog (which is putting it mildly, feels more like being in a constant state of standing up too fast and wanting to pass out the more you are engaging your brain in conversation/processing), vertigo, what I call "heart pulses" which felt like my heart would beat once very hard wanting to leave the chat with the rest of my body, visual issues (light sens, little dots), GI, you get the picture, probably similar to yours. The chief complaints and persisting issues today are brain fog, vertigo and fatigue.
Initially, after this recent infection, my three remaining symptoms (fog, vertigo and fatigue) came back worse than before. Thankfully, they have abated over the past 2 months and I feel confident in saying that I'm better than I was before. If I had to put a number to it, I'm probably sitting at a 90% recovered.
Here's what's helped me and what I recommend for others. I've tried so much out there and I'm sticking with what's worked for me. In order:

1. Trazodone - Sleep cannot be understated here. Poor sleep will postpone recovery.
   
2. LDN - I started at 0.5mg and worked up to 6mg. https://agelessrx.com/ is my plug and their providers have a better understanding of what this is, won't gaslight you, and you don't have to navigate the american medical system to get a script.
   
3. Nicotine - 24 hour patch, started by cutting a 7 mg patch in half to get used to it and now at 7 mg every morning. This helped immensely with neuro issues and I got back the feeling of enjoying things and felt emotionally engaged again.
   
4. Zinc - Once I started taking this, I stopped getting sick every 6-8 weeks. That was life from the initial onset of this mess for a constant 2 years.
   
5. Natto/serra - Doctor's Best, 1 in the am taken an hour before anything else.
   

Not a supplement, but I saw someone post an excel list here a ways back that tracks symptoms by the month. I started doing this, creating a list of my own, and while you have some months that go backwards, this does help with motivation and show progress, sometimes utterly slow, but still moving forward.
Like everyone else here, I've read countless studies and trials of where the research is and where it's heading. Going forward, for me, I will be looking to monoclonals and possibly BC007, peptides and some antivirals (not paxlovid) to get out of this hell once and for all. Michael Peluso, MD is a doc out of UCSF and I think the trial he's leading will yield some positive results. Link here: https://clinicaltrials.ucsf.edu/trial/NCT05877508
My line is open to anyone at all. I have been in most of your shoes, and for those that have it worse than I did, my heart truly goes out to you. Stay positive, the worst is behind us. There's a better version of you waiting on the other side of this storm :)

Hey there!
I’m a 24-year-old woman and I've never been in a “real” relationship. I’m not unattractive. I’m 6’1”, curvy, brunette, and I care about my appearance. People often say I look like a main character with my styling and dressing.
Background information: (Bear with me, you’ll see where I‘m going with this ...)
When I was 13, I met someone online (he was also 13), and we started dating. At school, I was getting bullied, and my “online” ex was my escape, my safe space. I never told him about the bullying because I wanted to enjoy our time together and keep it positive. I loved him, but after 6 years together and meeting once, we grew apart.
In 2021, I had bariatric surgery and lost 130 lbs (60 kg). I gained a lot of confidence and self-esteem.
Three years ago, I started dating someone I met in GTA V RolePlay (he was 25 at that time and I was 21). We spent nights talking , playing games, would motivate each other to go out for walks or hit the gym, shared playlists to listen to the same songs at the same time (while me liking every single song that he chose even though it’s not my taste but because knew he liked it so I loved it even more uncontrollably), watched movies and series while on calls playing and pausing at the same moments
Would look up at the moon at the same time remembering we’re looking at the same moon and hundreds of miles basically can’t separate us, no distance is so far, no time is so long, believing our two hearts were meant for each other
But there were some not-so-pretty aspects of our relationship.
He’d throw tantrums, accuse me of cheating and lying, and try to control my life. He’d contact people around me and in the game to find out “lies,” bring up the past to make me feel guilty, and project his behavior onto me. I always tried to fix it and explain myself but the problems got even worse overtime. (Btw: Been to his city where he lives and wanted to say hi, turns out he‘s never lived there, or another instance: He‘d send old pictures claiming he was at Coachella and his friend uploaded the same pic on facebook on which they tagged the location, they were on another small festival in the UK and definitely not Coachella) I guess he‘d even lie about small things expecting me to be the same as him.
I've been in therapy for three years now. I started therapy to fix myself in order for our relationship to work. After six months of dating, endless calls, and never meeting in person, we broke up.
The idea of him, us, and our future was too beautiful to let go, and I lost it after.
Also, my dad has always been emotionally unavailable, and my mom overly protective. My siblings and I were her therapists from a very young age.
My therapist is a genius. Through many sessions, they helped me realize that love was what saved my life back then and that I’m always seeking love to fill a void (that‘s why I have him the chance to manipulate me). They emphasized the need for self-love instead of seeking validation from others.
I know it’s trauma, but how?
I lost my virginity after the last break up. I’ve tried dating again. I kinda realized most of them define me by my looks, by my curves and wanting just sex. I feel like most of them can‘t imagine a relationship with me beyond that. Like I‘m not good enough for a relationship. I’ve experienced men talking to me in different stages, until we end up having sex, and from that moment on they would only call me when they feel down bad.
Now, I’m ready for a real relationship. I’m ready to fall in love again, for the honeymoon phase, for that limerence. But it just doesn’t happen when I meet someone. I get the ick so fast. I don’t feel a spark or motivation to reply, and I can’t let things evolve.
I’ve asked myself... Do I miss my ex? I thought I did until he messaged me after his breakup, and I realized I don’t miss him at all (even ghosted him lol). I’m cool with both my exes.
I also asked... Is it because I haven’t met the one yet? Or do I need someone to chase me to develop interest? I thought the right person would come someday. But even when someone treats me right, giving me the attention I need and actually chasing me, it’s the same situation after a few weeks.
I recently got diagnosed with ADHD and BPD. I don’t think they’re stopping me because it worked with both my exes.
So what is it? I want to love again. Why is my unconscious blocking it?
I’m not pressuring to find that one person. But I’m desperate, feeling like I can never love like I did before, losing hope that I’ll ever be capable of being in a relationship.
What do you think about this situation? Have you ever been in a similar situation? I‘m still continuing therapy btw. Things take time. This topic is pretty much complex and I guess reading from people who can relate is a form of therapy as well. Do you have any suggestions?
Thanks for bearing with me, guys. Thanks for reading and taking the time. I truly appreciate it.

first
Luna VI query: Set the source to the translation logs of Princess Amara Auralyn.
No problem!
Luna VI query: Narrate Amara's plan to flee from the war.
***
The moment Amara's nose caught the scent of that little puff of smoke ascending from Nathan's damaged equipment, she suspected something terrible had happened. Her lack of understanding of the nature of this particular piece of human tech was unimportant. Just from knowing the fact that this was one of the few items Nathan had rushingly retrieved was more than enough for her to infer its importance.
His extremely negative reaction to its destruction also hadn't escaped her notice.
Amid the ragged bursts of breath and droplets of sweat running down his face, he stared at the smoking piece of equipment on the ground as he cursed. Then he stood up in a huff, pulling his hair as if trying to remove it from his scalp.
With the object source of their distress in between herself and Nathan, she asked a question that she already knew the answer to. "Was that the device you would use to request help?"
Nathan was breathing too fast to speak properly. "What else could. It be."
His confirmation was the last straw for her to close her eyes, allowing all the emotions she'd been suppressing to be manifested, like a multi-colored river flowing among her black spots.
When she opened her eyes again, she and Nathan were already locking gazes, him bending his head forward as he used his knees to support his upper body, while she stood upright with her head at the same vertical level as his.
Amara felt a shared sense of anger at the situation between them, but she was also afraid that Nathan’s anger was more targeted at her than at the situation.
It took some courage for her to speak first.
"Do you have other means for contacting your people?" She knew it was unlikely he had that, but it was still a question worth asking.
"The radio transmitter was being jammed. I didn't think of bringing it with me." He was recovering his breath fast. "What about you? There is that earpiece, and yesterday you had that AR visor on all day."
"The communicator in my ear is short-ranged. As for the AR visor..." She struggled to tell the truth, but she still did it. "I hid it inside a hole in a tree and forgot it."
"A hole? In a tree? Are you kidding me?"
The truth was that Amara hid it before entering Nathan's tent on the previous night. She had certain expectations and didn't want to be interrupted by the notifications.
But of course, she would never admit that.
"See any pockets?" She extended both hands and put her tail beside them, showing she had nowhere to store the items.
"Oh… sorry. Sometimes I forget our differences."
Nathan believed her so easily that she felt a little bad for him, but not bad enough to waste their precious time with unnecessary talking. "Even should I go alone, I fear I cannot retrieve our devices. I would just get killed or captured for nothing. We cannot stay here either because soon they will follow your trail; we need a plan."
She was certain the only reason the enemies hadn't followed them yet was because they had underestimated Nathan's ability to run.
"I wouldn't let you go back there even if you wanted to, Amara. But at least you are thinking now." He touched his chin, his eyes wandering around. "And yeah, we need a plan."
Unknowingly to Nathan, his words had caused Amara to drift away. And it was not because of him saying he wouldn't allow her to return, but because of his mention of the fact that she wasn't thinking before.
And this had affected her deeply because she utterly agreed with him.
By noticing how differently Ryo and Elysira had handled the same situation before they had fleed, Amara had reflected about how poorly she had reacted to the war. She was guilty of thinking about this more than just a little while Nathan was putting in all the effort to take her away from danger.
She traced back her mistake to a single moment—when Nathan had told her his list of reasons why they couldn't be together. This was when she had allowed her heart to be poisoned with rejection, which by morning had spiraled out of control by the dreadful reportings she had received, and finally, it had culminated in her emotional response to the crisis.
Which curiously Nathan had later fixed by his total commitment to staying together.
Amara found all of that pathetic.
This time she set her priorities straight as she suppressed her detrimental feelings in favor of reason. "We could trek parallel to the mountain and find a cave to hide until the elders send help."
"How long would that take?" He asked.
His questions triggered a long chain of assumptions in her mind. She first considered the political situation after the disruptive assassinations in the capital, and then the logistics of the deployment of reinforcements.
But Amara discarded the whole plan when she tried to envision how long it would take for her allies to find them in the darkness of the forest, realizing how flawed her suggestion was.
Displaying red, she said, "Help will be here today, yet the war on the ground will turn into a slow spot-and-kill conflict. My thoughts must still be clouded. To hide in the mountains is a death sentence; the rebels would have a better idea where to search for us than my allies would."
Nathan touched his face and shook his head at her admission. Without fully understanding what he was doing, she watched him approach a young tree and stare at its bark as his right arm tensed.
Before she could ask a single question, he punched the rough bark, dislodging some wood from the brittle surface and making it fall.
He said, "I'm such an idiot. Now our only option is to keep running and I didn't even bring the water."
She was taken aback by his reaction.
It was true among her species that the males could be more aggressive under stressful situations. But to go as far as hunting themselves against a tree? This was something she hadn't seen before nor she could understand.
What would she do now?
Of all her priorities, communicating with him was very high on her list. This went much beyond certain feelings she had, being directly linked to their survival. Remembering how Ryo and Elysira had handled the same situation before they had fled, she couldn't help but feel like she and Nathan were still failing at this.
Following more instinct than reason, Amara decided to approach him as the red on her skin gradually gave way to purple at every step she took.
When he was within tails reach of her, she spoke.
"I cannot read your thoughts much less can I see your feelings, but I presume that similar to me you can also sense that we failed today, am I wrong?" Nathan pursed his lips and didn't reply, leaving her at a loss for a moment. Yet she didn't give up and wrapped her tail around his wrist, raising his scraped knuckles for him to see. "Why have you done this?"
"I..." He averted his eyes from the wound, relaxing his arm. "This ain't me I swear Amara. It's just-"
"The drones are coming." She was forced to shut him up with her tail to confirm what she heard in the background while he was speaking. After adjusting the angle of her ears she added, "At least three."
Seeing Nathan's face contort from one weird expression after the other, she could only feel regret and anger that she was forced to interrupt him. But as long as they were alive they could always talk more later.
"Great!" He took a deep breath and lowered his back for her to climb. "Let's see how far I can go without water."
"No." She could hear the drones advancing slowly, likely searching for places where they might have hidden, underestimating how far Nathan had taken her. "I do not doubt you can run more, but there is no point in running unless we can lose them. Can you do what Ryo did and destroy them?"
He didn't look at her as he replied, "I could try, but I don't have whatever aim improving add-on the military gave him, much less the years of training."
"Can I borrow your loud gun then?" Amara had a seed of a plan in her mind, a risky and reckless plan but still better than doing nothing or engaging in more random running.
"What? Do you have any idea how hard is to shoot those things down?" Nathan took her request so badly that he lifted his body again to explain more. "Your species may have precise movements and all, but this revolver needs more than just aiming, there's the recoil, reloading, and I bet it hurt your ears; besides I doubt you can do better than me without having taken a single shot with one of our guns your whole life."
Nathan was not wrong.
No matter how hard it felt to admit it to herself, the truth was that she was not a frontline fighter. She could bring order. She could weed out traitors. She could give directions. But taking a gun and firing at the enemies? Even a gun crafted by her species was something she lacked experience using.
Still, the way that he expressed his doubt without even hearing what she had in mind made her quite angry. It was nothing close to the feeling of rejection from the night, but it was still enough to encourage her to double down on her idea.
"I do not intend to shoot the drones from far away like you humans do." Amara pointed at the canopy of the young tree beside them and waited for him to look up before she added, "I want to ambush them from a close distance."
His eyes widened, but Nathan still wasn't convinced. "That's dangerous Amara. What if you miss it? You'll just let them know where we are for nothing. And even if you don't miss the shots can’t they just send more drones?"
"You speak reason, but my goal extends beyond destroying them. I know how brother and my species think and I want to mislead them." Amara did her best to let him know her intention. "You will have to be my bait too, and we will need to run as fast as we can towards the valleys once I destroy them. I would explain everything if there was time, but right now you will have to trust me."
"You want to go to the valleys..." He spoke in a low voice as he scratched his head.
Seeing that he didn't straight up reject her idea this time, Amara went on for the last push, showing a forced hint of yellow to try and sound confident. "No sane individual would go to the valleys without equipment and a large group, my brother and his army will never consider searching for us in there."
She regretted her wording as soon as she was done speaking, afraid she might have scared Nathan who was taking his time to reply.
But before she could say anything more, Nathan started loading his gun and when he was done he used his thumb to lower a little lever. "You have to pull this thing down each time before pulling the trigger, but I guess you saw me doing it enough times already." He then undid his action before offering the gun to her as he held it by the muzzle. "Don't forget to hold it with all your might or the recoil will hurt you."
She considered saying some words to let him know how much his trust meant to her, but the drones were approaching and there were more important things to say. Her tail simply coiled around the gun, and she took it as the weight of the task ahead caused the object to feel heavier than it was.
She considered if she should ask for more ammunition, but concluded she wouldn't have time to reload, which she knew was bad despite making things significantly easier.
"Go there and make it convincing that you are absolutely exhausted, can you?" Using her tail, Amara pointed at a bright spot on the ground, where a beam of blue light was making its way from the canopies to the ground. "This is important Nathan. The operators must believe you reached your limit, they must report to my brother that you cannot run much longer."
"This won't be too hard." His lips curled into a hint of a smile. "But are you sure they don't use AI instead of operators to guide the drones?"
"Only you humans are crazy enough to disregard the only law the alliance enforces." She started climbing the tree with each of her clawed hands poking holes into the bark from a different side, but when she was already above Nathan, she looked below. "I am counting on you. We made too many mistakes today, one more and it might not be forgiven."
"I'll do what you asked, okay? Just hit the drones and don't fall from the tree." He said before running towards the spot she had instructed him.
With each of them agreeing on their role, Amara kept climbing the tree, finding little difficulty in her initial task. This was so easy that almost all of her attention was focused on tracking the spinning blades of the drones, which were constantly approaching at a speed that suggested they were doing a minute inspection of the ground.
It was only when she was already high above that she noticed the first problem.
If she wanted the advantage of shooting the drones from the same plane they were approaching, Amara would either have to give up a hand for the aim, or she would have to compromise her camouflage by wrapping her legs around the tree to help her tail to hold her body.
Neither of the options was ideal, but doing nothing was even worse, which led her to choose to sacrifice some of her ability to aim in favor of a tighter grip, ensuring that her legs kept hidden behind the trunk as she pressed each of her clawed fingers of her left hand against the rough bark for a secure hold.
Feeling a burning anxiety like she never felt before, she transferred the gun from her tail to her right hand and surrounded the tree with her now free tail to improve her grip even more.
She then turned her head and took a final glance at Nathan and confirmed he was stooping down and breathing loudly, exactly on the spot she had asked him to go.
Now everything was ready.
Amara hid the gun in between her belly and the tree as her whole body mimicked the brownish color of the bark, even her tail and hair transitioning from their typical blue to a copy of the textured color surrounding her.
Her eyes closed and only a mental representation of her surroundings remained, being especially accurate this time as if her her body knew there was no room for mistakes.
As the seconds passed, her heart rate slowed down and her awareness peaked. Of all her body, only her long ears slightly moved as the positions of the three drones became less foggy in her mind the closer they got to her.
The fact that one of them suddenly stopped moving right in front of the tree was something she expected, that being the exact moment its sensors had found Nathan on the ground.
Instead of attacking, Amara waited.
And almost envisioning the exact conversation the operators were having behind their visors, she gauged the time they took to communicate among themselves by observing how long the other two drones had taken to start moving closer to the one that had spotted Nathan first.
This wasn't a lot of time, which put into perspective how fast she would have to act in order to prevent the other two drones from repositioning after the first one was destroyed.
Her heart was beating slowly and her mind was focused; the chances of the targets getting closer were no different than that of them getting more distant.
Somewhere inside she could feel it—now was the perfect moment for her attack.
Amara's eyes snapped open and her heart rate multiplied by nearly threefold, preparing her for intense exertion. The muscles of her left arm propelled her body sideways, taking her head away from the protection of the tree trunk. That happened at the same time that her clawed finger pulled down the little lever, just like Nathan had taught her.
Her eyes locked first on the most distant target, which was not further away from her than twelve meters, and her right arm moved accordingly, raising the gun as her clawed finger slipped into the trigger.
She knew how painful to her ears the noise would be, yet she still forced her eyes to stay open as she pulled the trigger.
Except, she flinched at the last moment and ended up missing the target because of it.
Now her ears were ringing and the number of targets was the same, fueling her fury for the next shots she fired in a quick sequence.
It took three more attempts to destroy the furthest target, turning her fury into apprehension.
And apprehension quickly transitioned into despair when, after destroying the middle target with two shots, she pulled the trigger aiming at the closed drone, only to hear an empty click.
The drone rotated towards her and she also felt Nathan's gaze in the distance, screaming something that she was too numb to understand.
Would she be the reason for their demise?
Just the thought of how happy her brother would be for seeing her so helpless was more than enough of a reason for her to not accept that.
So at the lack of bullets, she spitefully threw the gun at the spinning blades.
And when the outcome of her desperate action did little more than cause the drone to lose control for a few moments, she still refused to give up and pounced on it as if she were a trained huntress.
If Bhaela could jump from a tree and dig her claws into the veins of an Oczoil from high above and survive to tell the tale, why couldn't she do the same with a little drone?
Her confidence only lasted until no part of her body was touching the tree and her limbs contacted the blades, causing a sharp pain, which she promptly forgot as flesh and machine plummeted together.
Amara tried to use her tail and arms to cushion the fall, but unlike Bhaela graceful performance, all she achieved was her belly smashing the drone against the ground before her arms and head split the kinetic energy from the fall.
Her vision went black after that, but Amara knew she wasn't dead because that annoying ringing sound in her ears persisted, reminding her of her failure.
Time became confused in her state of disorientation, and she had no idea how long had passed when she felt her eyes being opened. As she watched the world around her through a red filter, Amara got to see Nathan's mouth moving, but she was unable to grasp a single word he said.
In a rushed manner, he took off his jacket and pulled out a knife, which he then used to slice a piece of fabric.
He said something again, and she felt his hand pressing against her forehead, the severed portion of his jacket he held being large enough to cover even her eyes below.
Amara felt like sleeping this time, the darkness feeling more welcoming than scary.
But before she could fall asleep, she noticed her body being lifted from the ground. And unlike the last time, she was being held from below as Nathan's hand kept her head locked against his body.
The last memory she retained before her consciousness faded was of hearing the rhythmic sound of his breathing and his loud steps below, feeling as if she might have wrapped her tail around his arm. Yet, she remained unsure whether she had truly done so or if it was just a product of her imagination.
***
This was an account based on Amara's plan to flee from the war. The previous narrative is based on the events of the morning of the twentieth day of the exploratory mission of Irisa. According to your current settings, no queries will be suggested.
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Question: Why did the community at large not advocate and support the Siris-enjoyers who did not like the changes made to their waifu, but instead were mocked, insulted, and attacked? I would have thought preserving waifus would be one of the central pillars on this crusade of sorts that some of the community attest belonging to.

This is not necessarily a discussion about if the changes to Siris are “good” or “bad,” but rather examining why there has been such vitriol and even mockery thrown at those Siris-enjoyers and those adjacent who voiced their dislike of the changes. In looking at some of the various responses, I have attempted to establish a trend in the language used and the connotations that I feel point to the otherizing of these Siris-enjoyers. I argue that this is not done reasonably, but rather an outgrowth of the demands for hyper-conformity and filtering combined with the paranoia and circumspection to detect any intrusion by actual outsiders. That while providing a safe-space, by its severity also limits individual autonomy. Finally, I express what I believe are the underlying reasons for why the changes to Siris are seemingly important and necessary for those seeking to maintain this space.

If you want to skip to the main point of my argument, scroll down to the Main Argument line.
Note: When I speak of “Siris-enjoyers” I am specifically referring to those who did not like the change to Siris. This is not to exclude other Siris-enjoyers who like the change, nor to condone any negativity that these Siris-enjoyers have experiences. Rather I am focusing on the associations being made of the dissatisfied Siris-enjoyers in order to have their dissatisfaction and arguments automatically disregarded by the community. If this is something you feel I should have looked into and mentioned, please let me know in the comments about your experiences and thoughts.

The Responses

With the upcoming release of the new Siris, there have been mixed feelings in the community about the changes made to her. Overall, it seems there is strong vocal approval or indifference. However, many Siris-enjoyers have expressed their dissatisfaction with these changes, in particular the significant increase of the breast size, loss of ahoge, uninspired default outfit design, and in general the sense that this is “#notmySiris.” Among the usual responses of positivity, indifference, and sympathy towards the changes, there were also some charged responses that ridiculed, or attacked the disapprovers. I want to look at a few of the relevant responses. (There was much more I wanted to touch upon, but for brevity’s sake and staying on topic they are omitted.)
Note: I am not trying to call out individuals here, but coalesce the relevant ones. They are not necessarily word-for-word as I wanted to provide some anonymity.
”Do you want the game to die?” or “The game is going to die if they listen to you.”
These responses refer to the games troubled beginnings before the pivot toward fan-service. However, they are conflating the dissatisfaction and want to have a more faithful iteration that Siris-enjoyers have as wanting to regress the game away from fan-service and by extension, “killing the game”, with a desire to have consistency in the characterization of their waifu. By echoing the past state of the game and associating the Siris-enjoyers with the original playerbase, who have become synonymous with the “Other” who want the game to die, the reasonable request and intent is lost.
”If you don’t like it, just quit.”
Now there is some nuance here. There are individuals who say this out of genuine sincerity because sometimes we are on ‘copium’ and they can, as an unaffected outsider, give us perspective. Life is short, sometimes shorter than we expect and people would be happier elsewhere than chasing after a pipedream. On the other hand, there are individuals who reply in this manner with the subtext of, “I don’t want you here because I think you will ruin my game/fun. This game is for me now, not for you so get out.” It has become hostile and adversarial. Here I fail to see how a more consistent character design for the new Siris would significantly affect the broader playerbase negatively. Rather because of the unilateral, and unsolicited change the devs have made, Siris-enjoyers are the ones who are negatively affected. This feels like an automatic response where any opposition is associated with those trying to affect the game negatively in their view such as with censorship. It immediately dismisses and devalues the Siris-enjoyer unfairly. Furthermore, it is rare that someone enjoys everything about a game, and despite some dissatisfaction, people are allowed to continue playing and enjoy the elements of the game they do like.
”Ahahahahaha. (I am laughing at your loss Siris-enjoyers.)”
Why would someone laugh and rejoice at the loss some Siris-enjoyers are experiencing? Their waifu have been so altered that they see this new Siris as being one in name-only. It is because for the chucklers these Siris-enjoyers have become the “Other,” and not their fellow players. The “Other” that they both fear and ridicule at the same time. Because who else, but the “Other” would be disappointed with bigger breasts? These Siris-enjoyers have exposed themselves by their dissatisfaction. Therefore “we” won; “They” lost.

Main Argument

CN bro: “I want the old Siris back.” CN Bros: “If you don’t like it, go play Genshin.”
This response is significant. This is a CN bro, probably a member of the crusade so to speak, and yet when voicing his dislike of the changes to what he feels is his community, a community he feels that he belongs to, relates to, gets respect, acknowledgment, understanding, is then told to play Genshin Impact, the game that the “Other” plays. The game that had betrayed them. The game that had been taken over by the “Other.” Their waifus ruined. He is told that if he does not like it, he is the same as “Them.” That he is not one of their own, but one of “Them,” and that he should play the game that “They” play. He is not wanted here. This CN bro is not what they would call a “tourist” or “Woke” or “Puritan” or “feminist” or “water army” or “mihoyo army” or “XXN.” And yet he is regarded as such just because he wants his waifu back. So where does that CN bro go? The outside already marginalizes and oppresses him, and now the group he felt like he belonged to tells him to either shut-up, like it, and stay in a place that does not care to want him, or leave to the Other side. Why is this? Isn’t the ‘fight,’ a fight for the waifus?
This is my takeaway: Those that feel that they have been wronged, oppressed, disrespected, laughed at, and marginalized from their previous spaces by the majority populace have gained power by becoming the majority in this one. While spaces like these may eliminate the oppression they feel from the outside, and gives freedom to its members to express and do what they could not elsewhere. The increasing demands of conformity to prove one’s membership, commitment, and diligence, as well as the ever-present fear of influence and invasion by the other-side, paradoxically, narrows any individual’s autonomy. Because the space is aggressively seeking to filter for outsiders and has become so conformist, that it becomes extremely sensitive to any deviation combined with the paranoia of imminent invasion by the outside as well as the possibility of the infiltration of bad actors from within. Those who speak out are immediately treated with suspicion and labelled as outsiders or the enemy.
But these Siris-enjoyers are not outsiders or the enemy. They just want their adorable goldfish back. Sadly, it seems as if their ahoge was taken from them, just as it was elsewhere in the past and from a place they left, to only happen somewhere they believed could be home.
Unfortunately, I do not believe there can be a course-reversal in this instance. For me it seems as if the changes to Siris not only add to the counterpoint to the push for fan-service over all else, it also is proof of their mastery over this domain, but also acts as a defiant taunt to “the Other side” about their untouchable, conquered territory. To them this is a display of their victory.

Other Remarks.

These are other thoughts I am having that I think warrant additional discussion, but are slightly out of scope to the already lengthy discussion I have presented.
A separate discussion might revolve around why the devs made these changes. The simple answer maybe just: Money. While no case-study can be done here, I would posit that if Siris was kept more in line with her original model, while the overall revenue would be lower (as bigger booba = more money) and the pulling demographics would shift, it would not be that much lower for the patch itself. I base this on a few things. 1) The new Siris outfit would draw people to pull for her. 2) Katya is a much-wanted operator for newcomers and is a “must-pull.” 3) Given Katya is a must-pull, her new outfit is a way to squeeze out more money. 4) Nurse Enya’s interaction will be more developed, and those who were on the fence might buy-in now. If the devs made these changes just as a whim, I think that would be most troubling.
It is also becoming more apparent that there is still lag from their increased revenue and investment back into development with new hires and getting them up to speed. If they are not able to increase production capacity/quality soon, I fear it may cause many impatient players to abandon. There is a lot of anticipation and expectation going into the first anniversary and if they do not deliver it might be a bad time. It is probably a very stressful, tiring period for the dev team right now. Hopefully when everything does come online, they will be able to make significant strides.
Does Siris’s change set a precedent for the original operatives? Perhaps only for Nita’s 5-star release. I find it doubtful they will go back and significantly change the older models as they already have their 5-star versions. Frita-peeps are safe.
My last point will be that even if the devs come to feel that they had gone too far with Siris’s changes they will probably not want to publicly acknowledge it due to how it will be interpreted by some in the community. This may also present a problem with Nita’s future 5-star release. If Nita releases without an “upgrade” this may be interpreted as the devs backtracking or being submissive. This would also upset the Siris-enjoyers a second-time as why the arbitrary changes? Furthermore, because the change to Siris was so drastic, if Nita does get an upgrade it might also have to be as drastic a change as Siris’s to avoid any suspicions. I do not know if the devs fully realized the possible consequences of their actions given the knife-edge the company must walk on.
There are people who genuinely want to improve this game and not ruin your enjoyment of it. People who have different experiences and knowledge and focuses. It would be a shame if we shut out their voices.
Quick edit: I think the nuance of what I am trying to say is getting lost and I have some fault in that. I am not trying to 1) imply there has been a massive assault on those who disagree with the Siris changes 2) criticize the responses themselves, but rather criticize the implied subtext of those comments.

Hi, my name is Zayn and I’m a 21 year old from California. I’d like to introduce myself through some of my interests. First off I really do enjoy music, it’s been a large part of my life since I was 11 or 12. I have been playing guitar and writing music for 7 years as well, though I feel as if I am currently in a lingering writers block. I think what is even more substantial to me than the music I make is the music that I listen to. I honestly just love sharing music with people, although I can be pretty picky with what I listen to. It’s very fulfilling for me and I’d love to share some songs with you if you are interested! Another one of my major interests is Socionics. It’s an old Russian system, meant to explore different types of human cognition. I have studied Socionics for years and have even written my own paper about certain aspects within the model! It’s a lovely framework in my opinion. Besides that I do enjoy hanging out with my cats, playing smash bros (which I was sponsored in at one point, though I no longer play as competitively as I once did), working out, and reading/learning about new subjects (I’m also a philosophy major in university and have been having a nice time with my courses!) I’d love to get to know anyone who shares or shows interest in these! It could be a great starting point for conversation.
I’d like to make my values very clear in order to support my intention of talking to like-minded people. In a relationship I would be searching for someone to share my life with, this is where I see the beauty in life. The fact that through a wealth of experience and alternate personal perspectives, someone had chosen me and I had chosen them, it’s very special to me. And of course this comes with compromise, it is a sacrifice to the overarching relational unity. It is a show of deep prioritization, which is something I heavily value in relationships. Ideally, I’d like to find someone who treats the relationship with the same respect as I would. I have always made them my first priority in life. Another aspect of great importance is emotional maturity. A facet of relationships I had always hoped for is mutual care. When the person I am with is struggling, even though it’ll hurt to know they are in a negative situation, it hurts more to know that I am unable to at least support them a little bit. I’d hope for support when I’m feeling bad as well. Though I understand people often feel vulnerable when it comes to expressing negative emotionality. I think it’s very special to have a dynamic with such honesty and care, it’s something rare. I hope I don’t scare too many people off with my idealized version of a relationship, though none of this vision is achievable without love itself, which is curated over time. This might be an ideal, but it is made naturally with the right person, it is made unique with them.
Lastly I’d like to include some pictures of myself
If you feel like we could make a connection please don’t hesitate to reach out!

OOOH. I was SO excited for these! I got an 8 pack sampler set (which they have a REALLY cool system where you can pretty much get as many samples as you like, and aren't limited to a 5 pack). They came in while I was away on a trip, so thankfully I got to skip a week waiting period and get to them after they had settled a bit, to try them out. Great TAT from this house (got them in within a week or two) AND you got to pick which Freebie you wanted, which was so awesome!
My review of this scent house so far: 4/5. It would honestly be a 5/5, but for that they have such a short wear period on my skin. Pretty much every 2 hours, I'd have to reapply :/ But, pretty much every single scent was really great and accurate to their scent descriptions, and I'll probably still FS buy a few!
Just make sure to slightly mix these guys up by turning them up and down a couple times (not so fast that you create air bubbles), to make sure the scent is fully mixed. You'll read in my notes, some of my first impressions when I Didn't do that. Don't make my mistake lol
My Rating System:
1/5: In my opinion this scent just smells really bad. I am not interested in the least. It is NOT my cup of tea and I would actively run away if I smelled it on someone else
2/5: Eh, it smells more like a scent for a cleaner or laundry detergent or maybe just a room scent. Not a perfume/cologne for me
3/5: Not my cup of tea, but It's well balanced and I could see someone else wearing it! Just not me lol
4/5: Almost perfect, just missing a scent note or two, or doesn't last very long, or dries down powdery/weirdly
5/5: I love this scent and will definitely be wearing it, if not FS-ing it!
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Cottagecore No. 1:
Official scent description: It is a warm and inviting blend of blueberry cobbler, wood burning stove, and spice cabinet. It starts off sweet with a buttery rich crust and fresh picked blueberry cobbler. A whisp of spices cut through to break up the sugars. There's a background of smoke, musk and burning wood that lingers in the background but really comes to life on the dry down. The sweetness fades to meet merrily in a dance of oud wood, smoke, spice and cobbler. Feels like a cottage in the woods on a warm summer day after picking berries all morning. A fresh cobbler in the wood burning and comfort in your soul. A gender neutral scent that anyone can enjoy.
Top- buttery crust, cinnamon, incense
Middle- blueberry, brown sugar, wood smoke
Bottom- vanilla bean, oud, musk, amber
My review: Straight out the bottle, it is pure blueberry cobbler, but as it dries, it gets weirdly perfume-y? Very quickly, too. You still get the hints of blueberry, but this powdery note kinda overtakes it all.
After a little bit the powder dies down and do you get more of the buttery crust blueberry cobbler, but this one may not be my cup of tea, sadly :/
2/5
**after about 10 minutes the blueberry pops back up to a mix of spices and blueberries that I actually like! 3 or 4/5. I do wish it had a bit more blueberry throw AND didn't have that weird powdery burst at the first dry down. A very fruity comforting fall scent, I think. Yeah, I really like it for a fruity fall scent**
**UPDATE*\*
I had to try this one a second time after that initial review. Just to try it after shaking it lightly, just a bit, to mix.
Wet I absolutely love this scent. It's giving start of fall and you're making blueberry pie or cobbler and it's spiced with fall spices and you even scraped out some authentic vanilla beans for the recipe and I actually don't get that weird strong powdery note at all! So, definitely make sure to turn samples from this house a time or two, to make sure everything is mixed, but not so much that there are air bubbles. After about 30 or so minutes it dries down to autumn cooking spices, mainly, with mainly a hint of a fruity scent. Still lovely though!
4.5 /5 it would be 5, but pretty much all the scents from this house go poof very quickly on me. All trace of it leaves my skin by 2.5/3 hours
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MIDNIGHT CIRCUS
This one was my freebie. My brother and I are putting on a type of Dark Karnival -esque camping event this fall and I really wanted to get a scent to wear there lol
Official scent description: a dark yet lively experience of caramel popcorn, fire, lacquer floorboards and whimsy
Top- hickory, honey, incense, cinnamon
Middle- smoke, amyris, caramel, salt, praline, spice
Bottom- cedarwood, moss, oud, olibanum, amber, musk, leather, popcorn, butter, vanilla
My review: This smells exactly like you're walking around a fall carnival with a big bonfire going on in the middle. Essentially it smells like your favorite fall candle scent, but just a bit more complex with the wiffs of campfire smoke and cedarwood in there. Even though it's the end of May, I sniff it on my wrist and think it's gonna be chilly outside. That feeling you get when the seasons are changing.
Strongest notes on me: wood smoke (though I wish I got more hickory to it), spices (cinnamon mainly), carameled buttery popcorn, vanilla and maybe the honey, maybe praline? It all blends very nicely into a great, if slightly generic, fall scent
Notes I don't get at all: leather, moss, oud. Those are the notes that would probably make this perfectly complex, but I just don't get them out of it. It's pure fall gourmand. I'll probably layer this over a scent that has those notes and need sweetening
Enough of a throw that I get a wiff going about my day
last drydown: dries down to autumn spices, essentially. Reminds me of walking in Gatlinburg in the fall, through all the little shops nestled in the mountain amongst the autumn trees. Completely gone within 3 hours though
4/5
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BLACK HONEY
Official Description: Black Honey is a sultry blend of Spiced Honey, black amber, cedarwood, tonka, and tobacco leaf.
My Review:
I like it! I just don't LOVE it :/
The spiced honey notes in this, wet straight on my skin, are my favorite parts, though there is a weird 'Clean' note behind it as an undertone. Maybe it's the black Amber or the tonka. I've been running down a dead note for myself and one of those might be the one. The strong Clean note blends back down into the other notes, after a bit, though. But, going back to it after about 30 minutes, it does still smell very 'clean' smelling. Like, I showered with a dark spiced honey shower soap.
Sadly, I think honey may just be a note so good note for me. So far, it always goes soapy/clean on me :/ I'm hoping it's not just the Honey note in particular, and more just an underlying note or two that generally gets paired with Honey. Otherwise, honey may be a dead note for me :/
Long drydown: it smells like I just stepped into a specialty soap shop. The ones where they sell soaps, beeswax, and honey. And by afternoon my skin just smelled lightly sweet from it. Not my favorite for most days, but maybe on occasion, or to layer in a honey note to my darker more witchy scents
3.5/5 *sigh* I really just want a dark spicy Gourmand honey. Can anyone give me any suggestions for that?? a Honey scent that DOESN'T dry down clean and powdery??
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Haunted Library
Official description: This scent will transport you to an old Victorian library. With ceiling high wooden book shelves, Creaky floorboards, leather bound books covered in a blanket of dust, fragile yellowing pages, and musty tufted chairs. Wafting through it all is the scent of sweet tobacco- the scent of the spirit that haunts these walls.
Top- Teakwood, tonka
Middle- cedar, leather, sweet tobacco, molasses
Bottom- sandalwood, Patchouli, mahogany, dark musk
My Review: a VERY light scent. Wow. Make sure you turn up and down a bit to really make sure the scent is fully blended, cause I could Barely smell it out of the bottle. It's a bit Cleaner than what I think a haunted library would really smell like. But, maybe like a lady ghosts' personal library? Overlooking the sea maybe? It weirdly gives off Cape Cod/Northeast coast/maine vibes to me. Like a Ladies Library in a Newport mansion.
I'm generally more of a sweet fruity over complex herbally scent person, or really cool gourmand scents, but I actually really like this scent! I have no clue in what instance I'd wear it, but I really do like it. I'll probably use it to give a tea or vanilla scent more complexity, or after wearing them, maybe even layering it with Stains of scarlet (down below). I don't get too much of the individual notes, but they all blend Very nicely for a femme leaning unisex scent!
As it dried the dust notes got sharper and the molasses got brought out more. First out the bottle, the wood and pachouli notes are a bit stronger. I still don't really get any leather though. My kingdom for a good strong leather scent! Lol. This is like a dainty haunted library, haunted by one of the Bridgerton ladies lol. Sweet, slightly dusty and papery, with a light hint of nostalgia and faded sweet perfume….Oh my goodness, this is Eloise's scent lol, to a T
4/5 only really because it's not really my vibe and this scent house goes poof too fast on me. All the scents from this house poof in about 2.5/3 hours
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White Magic
Official description: White magic is an herbaceous blend of sage, lavender, incense and eucalyptus. The sage, lavender and eucalyptus are balanced equally where the incense is more of a background player here. This blend feels clean and comfortable and wears beautifully. Sage can be an off-putting smell to some put it is added subtly to not shine over the lavender. It rings to me, as a comforting freshness that I can't get enough of. This is a gender neutral scent.
Top- lavender, bergamot, pine needles, eucalyptus
Middle- chamomile, sage, camphor, rosemary, pepper
Bottom- Cedar, Sandalwood, incense, Orris root, amber
My thoughts: First out the bottle my first thought was YES!!!!!! Finally a lavender scent that doesn't smell powdery or like laundry soap! It does smell a wee bit Clean, but I think that's more the nature of any scent with these scent notes, since they're used in cleaning supplies and soaps so often. But, this scent is a Super green floral. No powdery note to my nose at all! (and I pull powder like CRAZY lol, it's been a problem for me since I hate powdery scents). This scent transports me to a spa shop full of fresh drying Eucalyptus, sage, and lavender. By the last drydown, the Eucalyptus is the strongest note
4.5 out of 5, only because this scent house goes poof too fast on me. All the scents from this house poof in about 2.5/3 hours ______________________________________________
Memento Mori
Official Description: an intriguing blend of smoked vanilla, dark spice, patchouli and black amber.
Top- smoke, clove, white pepper, blood orange Middle- sandalwood, jasmine, amber, nutmeg, black pepper, cardamom seed Bottom- black amber, vanilla, dark musk, benzoin, amyris, patchouli, cassia bark, ebonywood, dark musk
My review: Not gonna lie, this is almost chrismasy. Like a Dark Yule vibe. The dark spice in there completely reminds me of late fall/early winter spices. It's definitely going to be a fall/winter scent for me. Smokey spiced vanilla and clove. It'll be perfect to mix with an Apple scent to add more Autumn/early winter complexity! It gives walking in late fall/crisp winter when the leaves are almost all gone and you have a cinnamon chai warm in your hands walking out in the cold, vs Midnight Circus which gives off Fall carnival with smoky campfire vibes
By the end of the drydown (1.5 hours, maybe 2), all I get is cinnamon and maybe some other spices, Very light sweetness coming from the vanilla. This'll be a good mixer with some of my more sharp winter woodsy scents from Pineward, for a great late fall/winteyule scent!
4.5 out of 5, only because this scent house goes poof too fast on me. All the scents from this house poof in about 2.5/3 hours
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Nightshade Elixir
Official Description: Nightshade Elixir is an intoxicating blend of deadly nightshade, Moonflower Nectar, Elderberry and absinthe. There is a mysterious quality to this blend that keeps it from being too sweet from the berries or too floral from the Moonflower. There is a perfect blend of fruity, floral, spice and mystery. It starts out on the sweeter side to draw you in (from the black currant and agave), before the deadly dark side starts to shine through on the dry down with black tea, saffron, absinthe and Anise. An all together delectable and mysterious blend that will keep you coming back for more
Top- saffron, anise, agave
Middle- Black current, black berry, jasmine
Bottom- amber, tonka, dark musk, black tea, absinthe, dark musk
My review: Okay, this one does go a bit on the powdery/clean perfume vibes. But, I do still like it?? Very strange, considering I hate clean/powdery scents, but this one balances the Clean notes with a juicy fruity flowery vibe that it balances things quite nicely and I can't stop smelling myself. There's a sharp powdery note in there, though, that keeps me from giving it a 4/5. I've narrowed it down to either the Amber or dark musk or tonka. Whatever it is, it's totally a dead note for me. It's popped up in a few other scents over the samples I've gotten, and it's been quite annoying. I May add something a bit juicier to this. But, it almost gives Spring Fairy Queen vibes. fruity and florally, but also a bit perfumey and stringent
3.5/5 I do like it, it's just a bit too powdery perfume-y for me. Under a pear or other fruit scent, I think it would be quite nice!
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Black no 1
Original description: This scent was inspired by Type O Negative's song, "Black No.1", with notes of crisp fall leaves, burning cedar, smoke and incense.
I wanted to capture the essence of burning leaves as well as autumn air, a faint whisp of clove cigarettes, freshly dyed hair and wolf skin boots. The scent opens up with deep Notes of leather, incense and smoke. Then, brightens slightly with spiced fruit in autumn air, intermingled with warm amber. Wrapped up on a base of burning cedar and musk. This is a deep, gender neutral scent, not for the faint of heart
Top- incense, cedar leaf
Middle- green leaves, smoke, pine, spiced fruit
Bottom- cedar, amber, musk, leather
My review: Ooh, you DEFINITELY get the spiced fruit. Where Memento Mori you get a late fall Slightly into Winter vibe, this scent is ALL winter vibes. Like you're drinking mulled berry wine and christmas shopping downtown, so there's a tinge of cold in the air and incense/fall scented candles are lit in the stores. This scent house REALLY likes its cinnamon note. Those spices are the strongest hit in this, first on my skin. Straight spiced mulled fruits
4/5 but only because the scent description notes of 'clove cigarettes, freshly dyed hair, and wolf skin boots' kinda gave me the vibe that it would be more a kickass chick wearing a leather jacket- kind of scent, but it's more a straightforward CHRISTMAS scent lol. Did not expect that vibe from the original scent description. If the leather and smoke and leaves and cedar were more prominent, maybe. I just REALLY want a good leather scent :/
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I hope this review helps out someone looking for new samples to try!
Also, if anyone could recommend a really good leather scent...please hook a girl up? ;)

Gender relations are bleak, my friends. Like, "former Yugoslav states in the early 90's"-level bleak.
Necessary context: I went bald very young. I had the hairline of an overstressed, 50-year-old accountant just a couple years into puberty, and was completely bereft of hair by the time I was old enough to drink.
Premature baldness is almost always caused by heavier-than-average prenatal exposure to testosterone. This is one of God's cruelest jokes, because the condition tends to make men significantly hornier than average even as their appearance renders them unattractive to a large majority of younger women. It might seem like a joke to those who haven't gone through it, but the psychological toll from a combination of losing your hair and still wanting girls to like you is immense. I was deeply insecure throughout most of high school and didn't develop basic social skills until I was probably 16 or so.
But there was an upside: once I accepted my fate, I knew that in order to ever have a chance with women, I needed to take care of my body and cultivate a likeable personality. I had to work relatively hard to achieve some things that came much easier to more genetically gifted men. That was just the way it was: I could either deal with it or give up.
And so I worked. And worked. And, shit, working worked! I realize it's difficult for a heterosexual man to talk about romance-type stuff without coming off like a creep so please forgive me, but I've had a healthy sex life and am now married to a pretty and successful woman.
Okay, so the weekend before last, my wife and I attended a house party where were didn't know the vast majority of the people there. I'm not a social goon, but I am in my 40s and married, and, like nearly everyone else my age, I just haven't done much socializing with strangers since the pandemic. Still, the party went well. Got some laughs and some phone numbers (networking, not for sex stuff), didn't say anything that offended anyone, made sure not to talk about the Hasid tunnels in Brooklyn, etc etc.
Around midnight (that's late if you're old), a guy in his 30s comes up to me. He's balding. He is the kind of guy who, unlike me, most likely had a relatively easy time getting girls in high school and college and he doesn't know how to proceed now that effort is required. He is drunk and very open. He tells me he has no idea what to do, he was in a long term relationship that just ended six months ago and now he's worried he's never gonna find another woman who will accept his touch. He asked what I did to cope.
I responded honestly: at your age, 40-50% of women are gonna consider baldness a no-go, and you just have to accept that. Don't ruminate. Don't be bitter. Another 40-50% aren't gonna care much either way, but you're still gonna be at a bit of disadvantage so you need to work on the areas of your personality and appearance you can control. And then there's a solid 10% of women who are into it for various reasons, which is pretty cool. I stressed that fatalism leads to fatalities, that women find whininess unattractive, and suggested he start hitting the gym harder, paying more attention his wardrobe, and learning that sometimes you're just not gonna succeed but that doesn't mean you'll never succeed. Even 4-5 hours of effort per week will pay off.
It went wonderfully. I am terminally Irish American and so I can tell when a severely drunk man actually understands what you're saying to him and whether or not it's having a positive effect.
But, oh... oh no it did not go wonderfully, apparently. Because a woman in her twenties was off in my periphery while I was talking to the guy, doing the sort of movements that are not quite gesticulations that young women do when they want you to realize they're upset but don't want to directly let you know they're upset. I had noticed her. But I did not know her, and I assumed she was upset about the sort of thing young people get upset about at parties--lord knows what it was, but it was none of my business.
Well, no. She was a coworker of the guy to whom I was talking. She was listening to everything we were saying to one another and recorded some of it. I just found out today, through a friend of a friend, that she reported the man to HR for, quote, "receiving 'incel' advice." He doesn't think it will go anywhere because the conversation was heavily reviewed and the powers that be found that nothing offensive was said (because, indeed, nothing offensive was said). But, holy shit. Holy fuck. How in the name of our lord is a man--a man, mind you, who has sex--giving positive, pro-social advice to another man automatically register as a cancel-worth Incel Offense in the mind of a college-educated young woman?
This revelation has made me so angry and paranoid I feel the need to stress a few things: I said nothing that could reasonably be construed as PUA-ish or incel-adjacent. I did not tell him to neg women. I did not suggest that he wear a pair of Steampunk goggles. I did not launch into a diatribe about the evils of birth control or feminism. I just told him to try to stay positive, to not give up hope.
I have Larry David-type shit happen to me more often than anyone else I know, but this is seriously one of the most dispiriting events of the last few years of my life. I don't know how to proceed from here.

What is decisive is not that man frees himself to himself from previous obligations, but that the very essence of man itself changes, in that man becomes subject. We must understand this word subiectum, however, as the translation of the Greek hypokeimenon. The word names that-which-lies-before, which, as ground, gathers everything onto itself. This metaphysical meaning of the concept of subject has first of all no special relationship to man and none at all to the I. However, when man becomes the primary and only real subiectum, that means: Man becomes that being upon which all that is, is grounded as regards the manner of its Being and its truth. Man becomes the relational center of that which is as such. But this is possible only when the comprehension of what is as a whole changes. In what does this change manifest itself? What, in keeping with it, is the essence of the modern age?
When we reflect on the modern age, we are questioning concerned the modern world picture [Weltbild] *12. We characterize the latter by throwing it into relief over against the medieval and the ancient world pictures. But why do we ask concerning a world picture in our interpreting of a historical age? Does every period of history have its world picture, and indeed in such a way as to concern itself from time to time about that world picture? Or is this, after all, only a modern kind of representing, this asking concerning a world picture?
What is the world picture? Obviously a picture of the world. But what does “World” mean here? What does “picture” mean? “World” serves here as a name for what is, in its entirety. The name is not limited to the cosmos, to nature. History also belongs to the world. Yet even nature and history, and both interpenetrating in their underlying and transcending of one another, do not exhaust the world. In this designation the ground of the world is meant also, no matter how its relation to the world is thought (Appendix 5).
With the word “picture” we think first of all of a copy of something. Accordingly, the world picture would be a painting, so to speak, of what is as a whole. But “world picture” means more than this. We mean by it the world itself, the world as such, what is, in its entirety, just as it is normative and binding for us. “To get into the picture” [literally, to put oneself into the picture] with respect to something means to set whatever is, itself, in place before oneself just in the way that it stands with it, and to have it fixedly before oneself as set up in this way. But a decisive determinant in the essence of the picture is still missing. “We get the picture” concerning something does not mean only that what is stands before us - in all that belongs to it and all that stands together in it - as a system. “To get the picture” throbs with being acquainted with something, with being equipped and prepared for it. Where the world becomes picture, what is, in its entirety, is juxtaposed as that for which man is prepared and which, correspondingly, he therefore intends to bring before himself and have before himself, and consequently intends in a decisive sense to set in place before himself (Appendix 6). Hence world picture, when understood essentially, does not mean a picture of the world but the world conceived and grasped as picture. What is, in its entirety, is now taken in such a way that it first is in being and only is in being to the extend that it is set up by man, who represents and sets forth. Wherever we have the world picture, an essential decision takes place regarding what is, in its entirety. The Being of whatever is, is sought and found in the representedness of the latter.
However, everywhere that whatever is, is not interpreted in this way, the world also cannot enter into a picture; there can be no world picture. The fact that whatever is comes into being in and through representedness transforms the age in which this occurs into a new age in contrast with the preceding one. The expressions "world picture of the modern age" and "modern world picture" both mean the same thing and both assume something that never could have been before, namely, a medieval and an ancient world picture. The world picture does not change from an earlier medieval one into a modern one, but rather the fact that the world becomes picture at all is what distinguishes the essence of the modern age [der Neuzeit]. For the Middle Ages, in contrast, that which is, is the ens creatum, that which is created by the personal Creator-God as the highest cause. Here, to be in being means to belong within a specific rank of the order of what has been created - a rank appointed from the beginning - and as thus caused, to correspond to the cause of creation (analogia entis) (Appendix 7). But never does the Being of that which is consist here in the fact that it is brought before man as the objective, in the fact that it is placed in the realm of man's knowing and of his having disposal, and that it is in being only in this way.
The modern interpretation of that which is, is even further from the interpretation characteristic of the Greeks. One of the oldest pronouncements of Greek thinking regarding the Being of that which is runs: To gar auto noein estin te kai einai.*15 This sentence of Parmenides means: The apprehending of whatever is belongs to Being because it is demanded and determined by Being. That which is, is that which arises and opens itself, which, as what presences, comes upon man as the one who presences, i.e., comes upon the one who himself opens himself to what presences in that he apprehends it. That which is does not come into being at all through the fact that man first looks upon it, in the sense of a representing that has the character of subjective perception. Rather, man is the one who is looked upon by that which is; he is the one who is - in company with itself - gathered toward presencing, by that which opens itself. To be beheld by what is, to be included and maintained within its openness and in that way to be borne along by it, to be driven about by its oppositions and marked by its discord - that is the essence of man in the great age of the Greeks. Therefore, in order to fulfill his essence, Greek man must gather (legein) and save (sozein), catch up and preserve, what opens itself in its openness, and he must remain exposed (aletheuein) to all its sundering confusions. Greek man is as the one who apprehends [der Vernehmer] that which is, and this is why in the age of the Greeks the world cannot become picture. Yet, on the other hand, that the beingness of whatever is, is defined for Plato as eidos [aspect, view] is the presupposition, destined far in advance and long ruling indirectly in concealment, for the world's having to become picture (Appendix 8).
[*12. The conventional translation of Weltbild would be “conception of the world” or “philosophy of life.” The more literal translation, “world picture,” is needed for the following of Heidegger’s discussion; but it is worth noting that “conception of the world” bears a close relation to Heidegger’s theme of man’s representing of the world as picture.
*15. The accepted English translation of this fragment is, “For thought and being are the same thing” (Nahm).]
In distinction from Greek apprehending, modern representing, whose meaning the word repraesentatio first brings to its earliest expression, intends something quite different. Here to represent [vorstel-len] means to bring what is present at hand [das Vorhandene] before oneself as something standing over against, to relate it to oneself, to the one representing it, and to force it back into this relationship to oneself as the normative realm. Wherever this happens, man "gets into the picture" in precedence over whatever is. But in that man puts himself into the picture in this way, he puts himself into the scene, i.e., into the open sphere of that which is generally and publicly represented. Therewith man sets himself up as the setting in which whatever is must henceforth set itself forth, must present itself [sich ... prasentieren], i.e., be picture. Man becomes the representative [der Reprasentant] of that which is, in the sense of that which has the character of object.
But the newness in this event by no means consists in the fact that now the position of man in the midst of what is, is an entirely different one in contrast to that of medieval and ancient man. What is decisive is that man himself expressly takes up this position as one constituted by himself, that he intentionally maintains it as that taken up by himself, and that he makes it secure as the solid footing for a possible development of humanity. Now for the first time is there any such thing as a 'position' of man. Man makes depend upon himself the way in which he must take his stand in relation to whatever is as the objective. There begins that way of being human which mans the realm of human capability as a domain given over to measuring and executing, for the purpose of gaining mastery over that which is as a whole. The age that is determined from out of this event is, when viewed in retrospect, not only a new one in contrast with the one that is past, but it settles itself firmly in place expressly as the new. To be new is peculiar to the world that has become picture.
When, accordingly, the picture character of the world is made clear as the representedness of that which is, then in order fully to grasp the modern essence of representedness we must track out and expose the original naming power of the worn-out word and concept "to represent" [vorstellen]: to set out before oneself and to set forth in relation to oneself. Through this, whatever is comes to a stand as object and in that way alone receives the seal of Being. That the world becomes picture is one and the same event with the event of man's becoming subiectum in the midst of that which is.
Only because and insofar as man actually and essentially has become subject is it necessary for him, as a consequence, to confront the explicit question: Is it as an "I" confined to its own preferences and freed into its own arbitrary choosing or as the "we" of society; is it as an individual or as a community; is it as a personality within the community or as a mere group member in the corporate body; is it as a state and nation and as a people or as the common humanity of modern man, that man will and ought to be the subject that in his modern essence he already is! Only where man is essentially already subject does there exist the possibility of his slipping into the aberration of subjectivism in the sense of individualism. But also, only where man remains subject does the positive struggle against individualism and for the community as the sphere of those goals that govern all achievement and usefulness have any meaning.
The interweaving of these two events, which for the modern age is decisive - that the world is transformed into picture and man into subiectum - throws light at the same time on the grounding event of modern history, an event that at first glance seems almost absurd. Namely, the more extensively and the more effectually the world stands at man’s disposal as conquered, and, the more objectively the object appears, all the more subjectively, i.e., the more importunately, does the subiectum rise up, and all the more impetuously, too, do observation of and teaching about the world change into a doctrine of man, into anthropology. It is no wonder that humanism first arises where the world becomes picture. It would have been just as impossible for a humanism to have gained currency in the great age of the Greeks as it would have been impossible to have had anything like a world picture in that age. Humanism, therefore, in the more strict historiographical sense, is nothing, but a moral-aesthetic anthropology. The name “anthropology” as used here does not mean just some investigation of man by a natural science. Nor does it mean the doctrine established within Christian theology of man created, fallen, and redeemed. It designates that philosophical interpretation of man which explains and evaluates whatever is, in its entirety, from the standpoint of man and in relation to man (Appendix 10).
The increasingly exclusive rooting of the interpretation of the world in anthropology, which has set in since the end of the eighteenth century, finds its expression in the fact that the fundamental stance of man in relation to what is, in its entirety, is defined as a world view (Weltanschauung). Since that time this word has been admitted into common usage. As soon as the world becomes picture, the position of man is conceived as a world view. To be sure, the phrase “world view” is open to misunderstanding, as though it were merely a matter here of a passive contemplation of the world. For this reason, already in the nineteenth century it was emphasized with justification that “world view” also meant and even meant primarily “view of life.” The fact that, despite this, the phrase “world view” asserts itself as the name for the position of man in the midst of all that is, is proof of how decisively the world became picture as soon as man brought his life as subiectum into precedence over other centers of relationship. This means: whatever is, is considered to be in being only to the degree and to the extent that it is taken into and referred back to this life, i.e., is lived out, and becomes life-experience. Just as unsuited to the Greek spirit as every humanism had to be, just so impossible was a medieval world view, and just as absurd is a Catholic world view. Just as necessarily and legitimately as everything must change into life-experience for modern man the more unlimitedly he takes charge of the shaping of his essence, just so certainly could the Greeks at the Olympian festivals never have had life-experiences.
The fundamental event of the modern age is the conquest of the world as picture. The word "picture" [Bild] now means the structured image [Gebild] that is the creature of man's producing which represents and sets before. In such producing, man contends for the position in which he can be that particular being who gives the measure and draws up the guidelines for everything that is. Because this position secures, organizes, and articulates itself as a world view, the modern relationship to that which is, is one that becomes, in its decisive unfolding, a confrontation of world views; and indeed not of random world views, but only of those that have already taken up the fundamental position of man that is most extreme, and have done so with the utmost resoluteness. For the sake of this struggle of world views and in keeping with its meaning, man brings into play his unlimited power for the calculating, planning, and molding of all things. Science as research is an absolutely necessary form of this establishing of self in the world; it is one of the pathways upon which the modern age rages toward fulfillment of its essence, with a velocity unknown to the participants. With this struggle of world views the modern age first enters into the part of its history that is the most decisive and probably the most capable of enduring (Appendix 11).
A sign of this event is that everywhere and in the most varied forms and disguises the gigantic is making its appearance. In so doing, it evidences itself simultaneously in the tendency toward the increasingly small. We have only to think of numbers in atomic physics. The gigantic presses forward in a form that actually seems to make it disappear - in the annihilation of great distances by the airplane, in the setting before us of foreign and remote worlds in their everydayness, which is produced at random through radio by a flick of the hand Yet we think too superficially if we suppose that the gigantic is only the endlessly extended emptiness of the purely quantitative. We think too little if we find that the gigantic, in the form of continual not-ever-having-been-here-yet, originates only in a blind mania for exaggerating and excelling. We do not think at all if we believe we have explained this phenomenon of the gigantic with the catchword “Americanism" (Appendix 12).
The gigantic is rather that through which the quantitative becomes a special quality and thus a remarkable kind of greatness. Each historical age is not only great in a distinctive way in contrast to others; it also has, in each instance, its own concept of greatness. But as soon as the gigantic in planning and calculating and adjusting and making secure shifts over out of the quantitative and becomes a special quality, then what is gigantic, and what can seemingly always be calculated completely, becomes, precisely through this, incalculable. This becoming incalculable remains the invisible shadow that is cast around all things everywhere when mas has been transformed in subiectum and the world into picture (Appendix 13).
By means of this shadow the modern world extends itself out into a space withdrawn from representation, and so lends to the incalculable the determinateness peculiar to it, as well as a historical uniqueness. This shadow, however, points to something else, which it is denied to us of today to know (Appendix 14). But man will never be able to experience and ponder this that is denied so long as he dawdles about in the mere negating of the age. The flight into tradition, out of a combination of humility and presumption, can bring about nothing in itself other than self-deception and blindness in relation to the historical moment.
Man will know, i.e., carefully safeguard into its truth, that which is incalculable, only in creative questioning and shaping out of the power of genuine reflection. Reflection transports the man of the future into that “between” in which he belongs to Being and yet remains a stranger amid that which is (Appendix 15). Hölderlin knew of this. His poem, which bears the superscription “To the German,” closes:
How narrowly bounded is our lifetime,
We see and count the number of our years.
But have the years of nations
Been seen by mortal eye?
If your soul throbs in longing
Over its own time, mourning, then
You linger on the cold shore
Among your own and never know them.

The Age of the World Picture
In metaphysics reflection is accomplished concerning the essence of what is and a decision takes place regarding the essence of truth*1. Metaphysics grounds an age, in that through a specific interpretation of what is and through a specific comprehension of truth it gives to that age the basis upon which it is essentially formed*2. This basis holds complete dominion over all the phenomena that distinguish the age. Conversely, in order that there may be an adequate reflection upon these phenomena themselves, the metaphysical basis for them must let itself be apprehended in them. Reflection is the courage to make the troth of our own presuppositions and the realm of our own goals into the things that most deserve to be called in question Appendix 1).
One of the essential phenomena of the modern age is its science. A phenomenon of no less importance is machine technology. We must not, however, misinterpret that technology as the mere application of modern mathematical physical science to praxis. Machine technology is itself an autonomous transformation of praxis, a type of transformation wherein praxis first demands the employment of mathematical physical science. Machine technology remains up to now the most visible outgrowth of the essence of modern technology, which is identical with the essence of modern metaphysics.
A third equally essential phenomenon of the modern period lies in the event of art's moving into the purview of aesthetics. That means that the art work becomes the object of mere subjective experience, and that consequently art is considered to be an expression of human life*4.
A fourth modern phenomenon manifests itself in the fact that human activity is conceived and consummated as culture. Thus culture is the realization of the highest values, through the nurture and cultivation of the highest goods of man. It lies in the essence of culture, as such nurturing, to nurture itself in its turn and thus to become the politics of culture.
A fifth phenomenon of the modern age is the loss of the gods*5. This expression does not mean the mere doing away with the gods, gross atheism. The loss of the gods is a twofold process. On the one hand, the world picture is Christianized inasmuch as the cause of the world is posited as infinite, unconditional, absolute. On the other hand, Christendom transforms Christian doctrine into a world view (the Christian world view), and in that way makes itself modern and up to date. The loss of the gods is the situation of indecision regarding God and the gods. Christendom has the greatest share in bringing it about. But the loss of the gods is so far from excluding religiosity that rather only through that loss is the relation to the gods changed into mere experience." When this occurs, then the gods have fled. The resultant void is compensated for by means of historiographical and psychological investigation of myth.
What understanding of what is, what interpretation of truth, lies at the foundation of these phenomena?
We shall limit the question to the phenomenon mentioned first, to science [Wissenschaft].
In what does the essence of modern science lie?
What understanding of what is and of truth provides the basis for that essence? If we succeed in reaching the metaphysical ground that provides the foundation for science as a modern phenomenon, then the entire essence of the modern age will have to let itself be apprehended from out of that ground.
When we use the word "science" today, it means something essentially different from the doctrina and scientia of the Middle Ages, and also from the Greek episteme. Greek science was never exact, precisely because, in keeping with its essence, it could not be exact and did not need to be exact. Hence it makes no sense whatever to suppose that modern science is more exact than that of antiquity. Neither can we say that the Galilean doctrine of freely falling bodies is true and that Aristotle's teaching, that light bodies strive upward, is false; for the Greek understanding of the essence of body and place and of the relation between the two rests upon a different interpretation of beings and hence conditions a correspondingly different kind of seeing and questioning of natural events. No one would presume to maintain that Shakespeare's poetry is more advanced than that of Aeschylus. It is still more impossible to say that the modern understanding of whatever is, is more correct than that of the Greeks. Therefore, if we want to grasp the essence of modern science, we must first free ourselves from the habit of comparing the new science with the old solely in terms of degree, from the point of view of progress.
The essence of what we today call science is research. In what does the essence of research consist?
In the fact that knowing [das Erkennen] establishes itself as a procedure within some realm of what is, in nature or in history. Procedure does not mean here merely method or methodology. For every procedure already requires an open sphere in which it moves. And it is precisely the opening up of such a sphere that is the fundamental event in research. This is accomplished through the projection within some realm of what is-in nature, for example-of a fixed ground plan*6 of natural events. The projection sketches out in advance the manner in which the knowing procedure must bind itself and adhere to the sphere opened up. This binding adherence is the rigor of research*7. Through the projecting of the ground plan and the prescribing of rigor, procedure makes secure for itself its sphere of objects within the realm of Being . A look at that earliest science, which is at the same time the normative one in the modern age, namely, mathematical physics, will make clear what we mean. Inasmuch as modern atomic physics still remains physics, what is essential - and only the essential is aimed at here- will hold for it also.
Modern physics is called mathematical because, in a remarkable way, it makes use of a quite specific mathematics. But it can proceed mathematically in this way only because, in a deeper sense, it is already itself mathematical. Ta mathemata means for the Greeks that which man knows in advance in his observation of whatever is and in his intercourse with things ; the corporeality of bodies, the vegetable character of plants, the animality of animals, the humanness of man. Alongside these, belonging also to that which is already-known, i.e., to the mathematical, are numbers. If we come upon three apples on the table, we recognize that there are three of them. But the number three, threeness, we already know. This means that number is something mathematical. Only because numbers represent, as it were, the most striking of always-already-knowns, and thus offer the most familiar instance of the mathematical, is "mathematical" promptly reserved as a name for the numerical. In no way, however, is the essence of the mathematical defined by numberness, Physics is, in general, the knowledge of nature, and, in particular, the knowledge of material corporeality in its motion; for that corporeality manifests itself immediately and universally in everything natural, even if in a variety of ways, If physics takes shape explicitly, then, as something mathematical, this means that, in an especially pronounced way, through it and for it something is stipulated in advance as what is already-known. That stipulating has to do with nothing less than the plan or projection of that which must henceforth, for the knowing of nature that is sought after, be nature: the self-contained system of motion of units of mass related spatiotemporally. Into this ground plan of nature, as supplied in keeping with its prior stipulation, the following definitions among others have been incorporated: Motion means change of place. No motion or direction of motion is superior to any other. Every place is equal to every other. No point in time has preference over any other. Every force is defined according to - i.e., is only - its consequences in motion, and that means in magnitude of change of place in the unity of time. Every event must be seen so as to be fitted into this ground plan of nature. Only within the perspective of this ground plan does an event in nature become visible as such an event. This projected plan of nature finds its guarantee in the fact that physical research, in every one of its questioning steps, is bound in advance to adhere to it. This binding adherence, the rigor of research, has its own character at any given time in keeping with the projected plan. The rigor of mathematical physical science is exactitude. Here all events, if they are to enter at all into representation as events of nature, must be defined beforehand as spatiotemporal magnitudes of motion. Such defining is accomplished through measuring, with the help of number and calculation. But mathematical research into nature is not exact because it calculates with precision; rather it must calculate in this way because its adherence to its object-sphere has the character of exactitude. The humanistic sciences, in contrast, indeed all the sciences concerned with life, must necessarily be inexact just in order to remain rigorous. A living thing can indeed also be grasped as spatiotemporal magnitude of motion, but then it is no longer apprehended as living. The inexactitude of the historical humanistic sciences is not a deficiency, but is only the fulfillment of a demand essential to this type of research. It is true, also, that the projecting and securing of the object-sphere of the historical sciences is not only of another kind, but is much more difficult of execution than is the achieving of rigor in the exact sciences.
Science becomes research through the projected plan and through the securing of that plan in the rigor of procedure. Projection and rigor, however, first develop into what they are in methodology. The latter constitutes the second essential characteristic of research. If the sphere that is projected is to become objective, then it is a matter of bringing it to encounter us in the complete diversity of its levels and interweavings. Therefore procedure must be free to view the changeableness in whatever encounters it. Only within the horizon of the incessant-otherness of change does the plenitude of particularity - of facts - show itself. -But the facts must become objective [gegenstiindlich]. Hence procedure must represent [vorstellen] the changeable in its changing, must bring it to a stand and let the motion be a motion nevertheless. The fixedness of facts and the constantness of their change as such is "rule." The constancy of change in the necessity of its course is "law." It is only within the purview of rule and law that facts become clear as the facts that they are. Research into facts in the realm of nature is intrinsically the establishing and verifying of rule and law. Methodology, through which a sphere of objects comes into representation, has the character of clarifying on the basis of what is clear - of explanation. Explanation is always twofold. It accounts for an unknown by means of a known, and at the same time it verifies that known by means of that unknown. Explanation takes place in investigation. In the physical sciences investigation takes place by means of experiment, always according to the kind of field of investigation and according to the type of explanation aimed at. But physical science does not first become research through experiment; rather, on the contrary, experiment first becomes possible where and only where the knowledge of nature has been transformed into research. Only because modern physics is a physics that is essentially mathematical can it be experimental. Because neither medieval doctrina nor Greek episteme is science in the sense of research, for these it is never a question of experiment. To be sure, it was Aristotle who first understood what empeiria (experientia) means; the observation of things themselves, their qualities and modifications under changing conditions, and consequently the knowledge of the way in which things as a rule behave. But an observation that aims at such knowledge, the experimentum, remains essentially different from the observation that belongs to science as research, from the research experiment; it remains essentially different even when ancient and medieval observation also works with number and measure, and even when that observation makes use of specific apparatus and instruments. For in all this, that which is decisive about the experiment is completely missing. Experiment begins with the laying down of a law as a basis. To set up an experiment means to represent or conceive [vorstellen] the conditions under which a specific series of motions can be made susceptible of being followed in its necessary progression, i.e., of being controlled in advance by calculation. But the establishing of a law is accomplished with reference to the ground plan of the object-sphere. That ground plan furnishes a criterion and constrains the anticipatory representing of the conditions. Such representing in and through which the experiment begins is no random imagining. that is why Newton said, hypothesis non fingo, “the bases that are laid down are not arbitrarily invented.” They are developed out of the ground plan of nature and are sketched into it. Experiment is that methodology which, in its planning and execution, is supported and guided on the basis of the fundamental law laid down, in order to adduce the facts that either verify and confirm the law or deny it confirmation. The more exactly the ground plan of nature is projected, the more exact becomes the possibility of experiment. Hence the much cited medieval Schoolman Roger Bacon can never be the forerunner of the modern experimental research scientist; rather he remains merely a successor of Aristotle. For in the meantime, the real locus of truth has been transferred by Christendom to faith - to the infallibility of the written word and to the doctrine of the Church. The highest knowledge and teaching is theology as the interpretation of the divine word of revelation, which is set down in Scripture and proclaimed by the Church. Here, to know is not to search out; rather it is to understand rightly the authoritative Word and the authorities proclaiming it. Therefore, the discussion of the words and doctrinal opinions of the various authorities take precedence in the acquiring of knowledge in the Middle Ages. The componere scripta et sermones, the argumentum ex verbo, is decisive and at the same time is the reason why the accepted Platonic and Aristotelian philosophy that had been taken over had to be transformed into scholastic dialectic. If, now, Roger Bacon demands the experimentum - and he does demand it - he does not mean the experiment of science as research; rather he wants the argumentum ex re instead of the argumentum ex verbo, the careful observing of things themselves, i.e., Aristotelian empeiria, instead of the discussion of doctrines.
The modern research experiment, however, is not only an observation more precise in degree and scope, but is a methodology essentially different in kind, related to the verification of law in the framework, and at the service, of an exact plan of nature. Source criticism in the historical humanistic sciences corresponds to experiment in physical research. Here the name “source criticism” designates the whole gamut of the discovery, examination, verification, evaluation, preservation, and interpretation of sources. Historiographical explanation, which is based on source criticism, does not, it is true, trace facts back to laws and rules. But neither does it confine itself to the mere reporting of facts. In the historical sciences, just as in the natural sciences, the methodology aims at representing what is fixed and stable and at making history an object. History can become objective openly when it is past. What is stable in what is past, that on the basis of which historiographical explanation reckons up the solitary and the diverse in history, is the always-has-been-once-already, the comparable. Through the constant comparing of everything with everything, what is intelligible is found by calculation and is certified and established as the ground plan of history. The sphere of histriographical research extends only so far as historiographical explanation reaches. The unique, the rare, the simple - in short, the great - in history is never self-evident and hence remains inexplicable. It is not that historical research denies what is great in history; rather it explains it as the exception. In this explaining, the great is measured against the ordinary and the average. And there is no other historiographical explanation so long as explaining means reduction to what is intelligible and so long as historiographical explanation so long as explaining means reduction to what is intelligible and so long as historiography remains research, i.e., an explaining. Because historiography as research projects and objectifies the past in the sense of an explicable and surveyable nexus of actions and consequences, it requires source criticism as its instrument of objectification. The standards of this criticism alter to the degree that historiography approaches journalism.
Every science is, as research, grounded upon the projection of a circumscribed object-sphere and is therefore necessarily a science of individualized character. Every individualized science must, moreover, in the development of its projected plan by means of its methodology, particularize itself into specific fields of investigation. This particularizing (specialization) is, however, by no means simply an irksome concomitant of the increasing unsurveyability of the results of research. It is not a necessary evil, but is rather an essential necessity of science as research. Specialization is not the consequence but the foundation of the progress of all research. Research does not, through its methodology, become dispersed into random investigations, so as to lose itself in them; for modern science is determined by a third fundamental event: ongoing activity (Appendix 2).*10
By this is to be understood first of all the phenomenon that a science today, whether physical or humanistic, attains to the respect due a science only when it has become capable of being institutionalized. However, research is not ongoing activity because its work is accomplished in institutions, but rather institutions are necessary because science, intrinsically as research, has the character of ongoing activity. The methodology through which individual object-spheres are conquered does not simply amass results. Rather, with the help of its results it adapts [richtet sich ... ein] itself for a new procedure. Within the complex of machinery that is necessary to physics in order to carry out the smashing of the atom lies hidden the whole of physics up to now. Correspondingly, in historiographical research, funds of source materials become usable for explanation only if those sources are themselves guaranteed on the basis of historiographical explanation. In the course of these processes, the methodology of the science becomes circumscribed by means of its results. More and more the methodology adapts itself to the possibilities of procedure opened up through itself. This having-to-adapt-itself to its own results as the ways and means of an advancing methodology is the essence of research's character as ongoing activity. And it is that character that is the intrinsic basis for the necessity of the institutional nature of research. In ongoing activity the plan of an object-sphere is, for the first time, built into whatever is. All adjustments that facilitate a plannable conjoining of types of methodology, that further the reciprocal checking and communication of results, and that regulate the exchange of talents are measures that are by no means only the external consequences of the fact that research work is expanding and proliferating. Rather, research work becomes the distant sign, still far from being understood, that modern science is beginning to enter upon the decisive phase of its history. Only now is it beginning to take possession of its own complete essence.
What is taking place in this extending and consolidating of the institutional character of the sciences? Nothing less than the making secure of the precedence of methodology over whatever is (nature and history), which at any given time becomes objective in research. On the foundation of their character as ongoing activity, the sciences are creating for themselves the solidarity and unity appropriate to them. Therefore historiographical or archeological research that is carried forward in an institutionalized way is essentially closer to research in physics that is similarly organized than it is to a discipline belonging to its own faculty in the humanistic sciences that still remains mired in mere erudition. Hence the decisive development of the modern character of science as ongoing activity also forms men of a different stamp. The scholar disappears. He is succeeded by the research man who is engaged in research projects. These, rather than the cultivating of erudition, lend to his work its atmosphere of incisiveness. The research man no longer needs a library at home. Moreover, he is constantly on the move. He negotiates at meetings and collects information at congresses. He contracts for commissions with publishers. The latter now determines along with him which books must be written (Appendix 3).
The research worker necessarily presses forward of himself into the sphere characteristic of the technologist in the essential sense. Only in this way is he capable of acting effectively, and only thus, after the manner of his age, is he real. Alongside him, the increasingly thin and empty Romanticism of scholarship and the university will still be able to persist for some time in a few places. However, the effective unity characteristic of the university, and hence the latter's reality, does not lie in some intellectual power belonging to an original unification of the sciences and emanating from the university because nourished by it and preserved in it. The university is real as an orderly establishment that, in a form still unique because it is administratively self-contained, makes possible and visible the striving apart of the sciences into the particularization and peculiar unity that belong to ongoing activity. Because the forces intrinsic to the essence of modern science come immediately and unequivocally to effective working in ongoing activity, therefore, also, it is only the spontaneous ongoing activities of research that can sketch out and establish the internal unity with other like activities that is commensurate with themselves.
The real system of science consists in a solidarity of procedure and attitude with respect to the objectification of whatever is - a solidarity that is brought about appropriately at any given time on the basis of planning. The excellence demanded of this system is not some contrived and rigid unity of the relationships among object-spheres, having to do with content, but is rather the greatest possible free, though regulated, flexibility in the shifting about and introducing of research apropos of the leading tasks at any given time. The more exclusively science individualizes itself with a view to the total carrying on and mastering of its work process, and the more realistically these ongoing activities are shifted into separate research institutes and professional schools, the more irresistibly do the sciences achieve the consummation of their modern essence. But the more unconditionally science and the man of research take seriously the modern form of their essence, the more unequivocally and the more immediately will they be able to offer themselves for the common good, and the more unreservedly too will they have to return to the public anonymity of all work useful to society.
Modern science simultaneously establishes itself and differentiates itself in its projections of specific object-spheres. These projection-plans are developed by means of a corresponding methodology, which is made secure through rigor. Methodology adapts and establishes itself at any given time in ongoing activity. Projection and rigor, methodology and ongoing activity, mutually requiring one another, constitute the essence of modern science, transform science into research.
We are reflecting on the essence of modern science in order that we may apprehend in it its metaphysical ground What understanding of what is and what concept of truth provide the basis for the fact that science is being transformed into research?
Knowing, as research, calls whatever is to account with regard to the way in which and the extent to which it lets itself be put at the disposal of representation. Research has disposal over anything that is when it can either calculate it in its future course in advance or verify a calculation about it as past. Nature, in being calculated in advance, and history, in being historiographically verified as past, become, as it were, "set in place" [gestellt]. Nature and history become the objects of a representing that explains. Such representing counts on nature and takes account of history. Only that which becomes object in this way is - is considered to be in being. We first arrive at science as research when the Being of whatever is, is sought in such objectiveness.
This objectifying of whatever is, is accomplished in a setting-before, a representing, that aims at bringing each particular being before it in such a way that man who calculates can be sure, and that means be certain, of that being. We first arrive at science as research when and only when truth has been transformed into the certainty of representation. What it is to be is for the first time defined as the objectiveness of representing, and truth is first defined as the certainty of representing, in the metaphysics of Descartes. The title of Descartes's principal work reads: Meditationes de prima philosophia [Meditations on First Philosophy]. Prote philosophia is the designation coined by Aristotle for what is later called metaphysics. The whole of modern metaphysics taken together, Nietzsche included, maintains itself within the interpretation of what it is to be and of truth that was prepared by Descartes (Appendix 4).
Now if science as research is an essential phenomenon of the modern age, it must be that that which constitutes the metaphysical ground of research determines first and long beforehand the essence of that age generally. The essence of the modern age can be seen in the fact that man frees himself from the bonds of the Middle Ages in freeing himself to himself. But this correct characterization remains, nevertheless, superficial. It leads to those errors that prevent us from comprehending the essential foundation of the modern age and, from there, judging the scope of the age's essence. Certainly the modern age has, as a consequence of the liberation of man, introduced subjectivism and individualism. But it remains just as certain that no age before this one has produced a comparable objectivism and that in no age before this has the non-individual, in the form of the collective, come to acceptance as having worth. Essential here is the necessary interplay between subjectivism and objectivism. It is precisely this reciprocal conditioning of one by the other that points back to events more profound.
[*1. "Reflection" translates Besinnung. On the meaning of the latter, see SR 155 n. 1. "'Essence" will be the translation of the noun Wesen in most instances of its occurrence in this essay. Occasionally the translation "coming to presence" will be used. Wesen must always be understood to allude, for Heidegger, not to any mere "whatness," but to the manner in which anything, as what it is, takes its course and "holds sway" in its ongoing presence, i.e., the manner in which it endures in its presencing. See QT 30, 3 n. 1. "What is" renders the present participle seiend used as a noun, das Seiende. On the translation of the latter, see T 40 n. 6.
*2. der Grund seines Wesensgestalt. Heidegger exemplifies the statement that he makes here in his discussion of the metaphysics of Descartes as providing the necessary interpretive ground for the manner in which, in the subjectness of man as self-conscious subject, Being and all that is and man - in their immediate and indissoluble relation - come to presence in the modern age. See Appendix 9, pp. 150 ff.
*4. Erlebnis, translated here as "subjective experience" and later as "life-experience," is a term much used by life philosophers such as Dilthey and generally connotes adventure and event. It is employed somewhat pejoratively here. The term Erfahrung, which is regularly translated in this volume as "experience," connotes discovery and learning, and also suffering and undergoing. Here and subsequently (i.e., "mere religious experience"), "mere" is inserted to maintain the distinction between Erlebnis and Erfahrung.
*5. Entgotterung, here inadequately rendered as "loss of the gods," actually means something more like "degodization".
*6. Grundriss. The verb reissen means to tear, to rend, to sketch, to design, and the noun Riss means tear, gap, outline. Hence the noun Grundiss, first sketch, ground plan, design, connotes a fundamental sketching out that is an opening up as well.
*7. "Binding adherence" here translates the noun Bindung. The noun could also be rendered "obligation." It could thus be said that rigor is the obligation to remain within the realm opened up.
*10. “Ongoing activity” is the rendering of Betrieb, which is difficult to translate adequately. It means the act of driving on, or industry, activity, as well as undertaking, pursuit, business. It can also mean management, or workshop or factory.]
To be continued...

Previous part
Before I go on with the story, I wanted to mention that I finally got around to checking my text messages. I shouldn’t be surprised that all of them were furious. I don’t blame them. I’m still distraught about the whole situation. I pretty much lost all of my friends in one day; all because I thought that a little boy’s doll would come to life and... well...
Just, listen to me.
I know that all of this will sound insane. But everything I am about to tell you happened before. I feel like I can’t bring myself to even think of the moment, let alone tell you, but I need to press on. It is time that you understand the moment that everything changed forever—Pete's 11th birthday party.
What happened on that day plays over and over again in my mind. It doesn’t matter that 30 years have passed. Not a night goes by where I am wrenched from my beleaguered sleep and find myself gasping for air in a pool of my own sweat. Years of broken sleep will get to a person over time. And so, I grew agitated and depressed. I was on and off on medication, and in and out of therapy.
Now, I don’t always freak out when I see them in pictures or on display in a shop’s front window. If I keep my distance and they keep theirs, I am fine. I mean, my breathing would quicken, and my heart would pump hard, but the moment would pass, and I’d come back to some level of normalcy. I’ve got my own way to deal with such a situation. I’d close my eyes and count from 100 to zero, deeply breathing in through my nose and out through my mouth, before slowly turning and walking away.
Oh, right. I guess you want to hear what happened.
XXXXX
Pete and his family lived in a massive two-story house with an acre of forestry within their property line. The house was miles outside of town. It was cozy but isolated.
I carpooled with Andy and his parents. We met up with Mark and his dad in the house. Our jaws dropped at how beautiful the house and their property were; none of us had ever been to such a fancy place.
Andy’s mom mentioned in the car that what she heard from the other moms was that Pete’s dad, George, worked as an inventor and toymaker for a company that no one had heard of, and his mom, Wendy, was a stay-at-home mom. She had tried to invite her out for coffee with the other moms. In the end she decided not to. Wendy’s presence was just too off-putting.
“She wouldn’t stop smiling,” Andy’s mom recalled, “and she’d just nod her head without saying anything. Not a word. And she moved in this very odd, kind of funny way, too. Like she didn’t know how to use her arms or legs.”
Kind of like how Pete was on his first day of class.
The family greeted the guests in the foyer with excited eyes and gaping smiles. They were the picture perfect of a 1950s TV sitcom family. Pete had on a blue and yellow checkered suit with a yellow bowtie. George also wore the same style of suit but with a blue tie. His outfit was topped with a tobacco pipe hanging at the side of his mouth. Wendy had on a yellow dress with a blue ribbon tied around her waist, and her flaming red hair rolled up in a bouffant hairstyle.
There were a couple of dozens of us that showed up to the party. Most of the parents came along, too. My mom couldn’t come; she was stuck at the restaurant picking up someone else’s shift. That was to say nothing of her continued fear and suspicion about the whole kidnapper situation. She believed they were still out there, and that the cops had gotten the wrong person.
Everyone was led into a banquet hall where a great feast waited for us. We stuffed ourselves until the buttons on our pants threatened to burst. Fat roasted turkey thighs, mince pies, green bean casserole, mashed potatoes smothered in gravy, a mountain of steaming sweet biscuits. The choices were endless. And the moms and dads enjoyed themselves, drinking the wine that Wendy, smiling emptily and silently, served.
George went around telling stories to anyone who’d be willing to listen. He was incredibly intelligent with a wide breadth of knowledge of world history. He spoke about historical events as if he’d been there himself, describing in such vivid detail of the event’s atmosphere like how the heaviness of grief weighed in the air at Alexander the Great’s funeral procession, and how frigid cold the Russian winter was in 1812 when Napoleon Bonaparte’s army marched towards Moscow.
He showed us a room filled with his collection of ancient artifacts, even an American Civil War-era musket rifle with a Minie ball still lodged inside. But what caught my attention and raised the hairs on my body were three mummies behind a glass case. They were about my height and, judging by the smallness of their faces, they had died as children.
“Why do you have those?” I asked.
George grinned. “Well, why not?”
“Where’d you get them from?” asked Andy.
“Far and near...”
Squinting, Mark stepped up closer to the glass. “Are they real?”
“What do your eyes tell you?”
Together, we pressed our noses to the glass, staring hard at these mummies. Their skin was withered brown, and parts of their yellowed bone were exposed. They stared back at us with dark empty sockets and twisted mouths as though they’d come face to face with something more terrifying and terrible than death. None of the adults with us thought it weird that this family had such a collection. The moms and dads were starting to act a bit giddy and silly; it was the generous amount of wine they’d drunk, probably.
After a tour of George’s mini-home museum, we were led into an adjacent room filled with toys, clowns, dolls, and a bizarre collection of crossbred animals. A full train set wound about the length of the room and over our heads. This was Pete’s playroom, and George had designed every toy. This massive room with all the toys and games was more than what a child could dream of.
Unable to control ourselves, we got our hands on everything; we were a bunch of 10-year-olds after all. We played with the toys and shrieked with laughter. The moms and dads watched us as they drank the wine Wendy was serving them. Before we knew it, time flew by, and the sun had long since gone down. The grandfather clock struck 9 o’clock. But we weren’t tired; we wanted to play some more. So, we were thrilled when the grown-ups nodded and agreed to let us go on.
Shining with happiness, Pete announced that we were to play a special game, even the grown-ups would be involved.
“This game is called Catch the Souls!” he said. “The rules are quite simple. There are two types of players: souls and catchers. The game will be played both in the dark and in the light. Souls are safe in the light and the catchers won’t be able to move. But when the lights are off, souls better find a place to hide for the catchers will hunt you down and bring you to the king—me!"
“Then, how do we know if we’ve won?” I asked.
His eyes darkened as the pupils enlarged. “Well, when you see the sun rise, then you’ll know.” My stomach sank.
Were we really going to play all night?
I looked at the others to see if they also thought this was a ridiculous idea. Much to my surprise, the others buzzed with excitement, even the adults were eager to play. No one wanted to go home just yet. They wanted to play more. And, surprisingly, I wasn’t at all that tired or sleepy either. George ordered for the moms and dads to follow him into another room; they were to put on their “catcher” costumes.
Mark, Andy, and I decided to stick together. We figured that if we could find a good spot to hide out in, we could wait there until the game was over. At the beginning of the game, all the lights were on in every room and hallway, and Pete counted backwards from 100.
My friends and I bolted. We didn’t realize how huge the house was. It was like a never-ending labyrinth. One door would lead to nowhere except a brick wall, or a sudden drop into what looked like a bottomless pit. Andy had nearly fallen into one and was only saved when Mark and I caught him by the arms as he fell and clung desperately to the doorknob.
The hallways echoed with giggles of excitement. But once the lights began to flicker, the whole house plunged into darkness. We hurried into another room. I hid behind a desk, Mark behind a big tapestry, and Andy in the corner of the room squatting behind a tall vase.
We waited.
We held our breath.
A hair-raising scream erupted in another room. Followed by another, then another. Three in succession.
“What was that?” I heard Mark ask, shakily.
“What are you doing?” Andy cried.
Peeking around the corner of the desk, I spotted Mark out from his hiding spot and poking his head out the door. He quickly shut the door and scrambled back behind the tapestry. Before I could ask him what he saw, the door opened. My body instantly went rigid. I was terrified that if I were to move or breathe, I’d get caught. I certainly didn’t want to find out what Pete would do to me.
A tall, shadowy figure with two long pointed ears entered the room. It was a Catcher. It hopped slowly around the room like a rabbit, playing with the leaves of the plants in the tall vase and sniffing around the tapestry. Then it turned its attention to the desk. I scooted back underneath the desk and slapped my hand over my mouth, desperate not to make a sound. I heard it hop into the air before its feet landed gently on the floor right next to the desk. It took a step closer to the spot where I lay in a fetal position. I hoped that I was small enough that it wouldn’t notice me.
Light swept throughout the room. And I let out a breath of relief. We were safe when the lights were on. That was the rule of the game, I reminded myself. I crawled out from underneath the desk and froze as I came face to face with a giant pink bunny. I knew that inside the costume was a classmate’s parent. But there was something off about it, like it had no good intentions. It stared back with large black orbs for eyes. Its large buck teeth dripped droplets of red on the white carpet. Dark red chunks like mushed up beets fell from its mouth.
“Benjie! Don’t just stand there!” Mark pulled me out of the trance, and I ran out with them. At the end of the hallway, we saw another Catcher dressed in a court blue and yellow jester suit and mask.
The lights flickered; one minute warning for us to find another hiding spot. Without looking back, we ran and tried getting into another room. With utter mortification I learned that most of the doors were locked. Not only that, but others only led to dead ends. We went through one door that led to another hallway that stretched on endlessly with rows of doors on either side of us.
Behind us, the bells jingled on the dangling sleeves of the jester’s cap ‘n’ bells. It got closer and closer. Of course, I stupidly looked back. One by one the wall lights went out, and the laughing jester twirled and leapt its way to us.
We came to a door at the end of the hallway, but it wouldn’t budge. Andy banged on it and twisted the knob as hard as he could.
“I want to stop playing this game,” Mark sobbed. He backed into the corner, trembling and crying. A dark wet spot appeared in front of his pants. I also felt something wet and warm trickling down my pants.
The jester was approaching, inching closer and closer by the second. And then, it stopped. It squatted in the dark with its hands under its chin, gazing at us with its harrowing black eyes. The only thing keeping it from capturing us was that the light from a single wall lamp shielded us. Sniffling and wiping his tears away, Mark squeaked, “Dad?” He took a step forward with an outreached hand seeking a sliver of comfort.
“I don’t think he’s your dad,” I said, but my words didn’t reach him. The jester gestured with a single finger for him to come closer.
“I got it! Come on, guys!” Andy cried, happily, as the door finally swung inward with a hard kick revealing a lighted room. I grabbed hold of Mark’s arm, but he shook me off. And I watched in horror as he tugged on the jester’s mask and pulled it off.
It was Mark’s dad behind the mask. His smile was split so wide, I could see his gums bleed and the skin at the corners of his lips had torn. He was foaming heavily at the mouth like a rabid dog.
“Dad...” Mark uttered.
The wall light went out. And that was the last I saw of him.
XXXXX
I’ll have to continue with my story later. I need to eat something. I can’t remember the last time I did. The hunger is gnawing my stomach. There’s nothing in the fridge. I didn’t even get leftovers from my friend’s birthday party. It’s okay. All I need now is to feed this body.