Me (21f) and my mom (52f) don’t get along because when I was growing up she wasn’t a very good person/mom. She would hit me to the point I would bruise with anything she could find. She threw a brush at me from down the hall and it missed me but went through the wall leaving a hole in it. She loses her job or quits when it gets to hard. She is emotionally, mentally, physically abusive, she told me that I was fat because I’m her eyes I ate to much (In reality I ate very little). That caused me to have a very unhealthy relationship with food I still don’t eat as much as I should because I hear her voice in my head said I’m going to get fat. She neglected me growing up I had lot of health issues and she didn’t take me to the doctors unless I got really sick to the point that I had a 104 fever.
From the ages of 2-12 there was some things happening that I’m not going to talk about on here. I tired to tell her multiple times and she never cared or did anything about it. I told her that I was getting bullied at school and she didn’t care she asked me “what did it do to them”. I was raped in high school and I didn’t tell my parents because of the no trust I had for my mom and I got pregnant from the rape and I miscarried by myself. When things got bad the my rapist (He would follow me around school and threaten me if I told anyone). I went to the counselors office and told my counselor she informed my parents and DSS without my consent (I told her I didn’t want my parents involved I just wanted her to handle it and stop him from following me). I went home that day from school and my mom told me to sit down and have a talk with her, I thought I was in trouble but she asked me what exactly happened that night and I told her what happened and she told me “Are you lying to get attention or you think you’re going to get in trouble for having (smex)” . I told her no that everything I said was real and then told me that it was probably my fault and at this point I’m crying my other parent told her that I was lying.
I have issues with trusting people and I have health issues from being neglected and I have issues with people touching me in anyway my own fiancé doesn’t even know what kind of mood or state I’m going to be in and I struggled with SH. I’ve tried un-aliving myself and I struggle with self love from growing up like that. There is more to all of this but it will be a book by the time I’m done but (AITA) for wanting to block my mom. (Charlotte you have my consent post on your YT)

I’ve never met the guy before, but a few months ago, he followed me on Instagram. I saw we had 10+ mutual friends, so I followed back, not thinking much of it. I always follow people back if we have mutual friends so didn't even ask my friends who he was and forgot about it. Fast forward a few weeks, I post a selfie, and he likes it, then messages me, complimenting me. I was polite and said thank you, but I didn’t initiate any other conversation. I guess in an effort to continue the conversation, he asked me a few questions about my dog (whom I mostly post pictures of), and I answered because I thought they were harmless.
What followed were a dozen unanswered messages introducing himself, talking about himself, and others saying things like “you’re gorgeous, such a princess, baby girl, you’re trying to kill me.” I read them all but didn’t answer since I was weirded out. I asked my friends who he was, and they said he wasn’t local. A few had met him at an event once when he was here, but none were actual close friends with him and didn’t know too much about him.
I figured not answering would make him go away since he could see that I read the messages, but it just encouraged him to continue. In the days following the initial messages, he sent similar messages about my appearance and how I have the sweetest personality (which I found odd since I had barely responded to him and he didn’t know me). He then replied to every single Instagram story highlight I had (over 60 replies, not all just of me but mostly of my dog), so I blocked him from seeing any future stories. He then messaged me daily, saying things like “how’s my dog” or “how’s my boy (my dog’s name) doing?”. These are the few times I responded because I was like, what the fuck, lol. He’s my dog… not yours and you don’t know him?
My friends all thought he was just awkward but overall harmless since the messages weren't sexual or explicit, so I felt bad fully blocking him. I figured my obvious disinterest would make him stop eventually. The messages continued and instead of reading them and not responding, I just didn’t open them. This worked for a bit, but then he’d realize I was ignoring him and asked what he did wrong. I showed my other friends the messages and my one guy friend was really concerned. He suggested we post a selfie together to make me look unavailable so I unblocked the guy from my stories so he could see. That didn't help and just made him escalate the number of messages he was sending, he got angry and possessive, was saying things like I better not be sleeping with that guy and was basically just threatening my friend. Wasn’t gonna ask my friend to do anything else since he does have a girlfriend.
At this point, I just decided to be honest and tell him that his messages made me extremely uncomfortable, especially the possessive ones and ones about my dog since we don’t know each other. He apologized and then said I should come visit him, that he’d pay for my flight, and that it would be a dream to hang out. I said I’m not interested in that or in hanging out. He said that’s okay, he gets that I'm shy and that he would come to me instead. I told him I wasn’t interested in hanging out with him anywhere in the world and that I’m not interested in him or whatever he thinks is going on here. I blocked him after that.
I think that was my mistake. He started following me on a new account right after and sent me several messages apologizing. He also followed some of my family members that I had tagged in pictures on my IG. I blocked him and privated my Instagram, but then he would come back with another account. He also found my other social media accounts. My friends still had him on their Instagrams, and now they’ve been showing me that he keeps posting pictures of me (he implies that I sent them to him personally) on his Instagram story and posts, with comments about me being his girlfriend, how he can’t wait to come spend the summer with me, and also pictures of my dog, captioning it with “our boy.” He must’ve saved a bunch of pictures I had posted.
My friends keep messaging him, but he won’t take anything down, and I feel so freaked out and embarrassed because our other mutual friends are asking me if all of this is true. I know he doesn’t know exactly where I live, but I still worry about him coming here and he knows of some concerts I'm supposed to be attending because my friends posted about them and tagged me.
I guess I just don’t know how to navigate this? Does anyone have any suggestions? I don’t know what else I could possibly do and have never been in a situation like this before. I thought blocking and saying I wasn’t interested would send the message, but I feel it has only made it worse.

Hey, so I had a weird scam buyer experience a few weeks ago and I thought I’d share the story in case it ever happens to anyone else.
I was selling a baby crib on Facebook marketplace and it hadn’t sold for ages, relisted 3 times. On my fourth relist I suddenly got a message from a guy not long after I posted the listing, his name was ‘innocent’. He asks if it’s available to pick up today, I say of course and tell him he will probably need a big car or van because it doesn’t really flat pack etc etc He’s very keen, but the weird thing I noticed straight away is that he never actually asked for my address but said he could ask his mate to drive down today. He then says that he can pay over PayPal. I said cash in hand would be fine seeing as he’s picking it up. Nope he insists on PayPal- second red flag. I give him my email address as I’m thinking at least he’s not asking for my bank details.
I then get an email saying a business account is attempting a transaction and they need to upgrade their Facebook account to buy on marketplace and in order to make the transaction he needs to send me the amount for the crib plus £100. I would then need to send him £100 back. However you won’t notice the payment in your bank account until that £100 is sent back.
He’s like ‘ah yeah this has happened before, I’ll just send you the money and you can send it back” He says he’s sent the money and says that an email will come through to me with a link to send the £100 back. Obviously no email appears and no money was sent to me.
He then worries about the fact that he’s lost over £100. The obvious end game for him is to make me feel sorry for him and send him £100. Obviously I didn’t and messaged him saying I wasn’t comfortable sending any money and he immediately lost interest.
It was such an elaborate scam and when you look up about business accounts on google it does talk about updating them to receive money etc. The fake email was a nice touch too. So yeah just thought I’d flag this for anyone who just casually uses marketplace and may not be so used to scams like myself.

I recently interviewed Sean Kanan, star of 20 films and 1500 episodes of network TV. I asked the Emmy winning actor some questions specifically to help you guys in this Reddit room. He appeared in the Karate Kid 3 and Cobra Kai season 5.
He was in his early 20s when he beat out 1500 other actors to land the leading protagonist role of Mike Barnes in Karate Kid 3. Sean recently has been hosting low cost acting workshops, here are his internal and external takeaways from his training:
Internal:
Health Self Image: Actors face tremendous odds against them so healthy self image is vital. Do things to build up confidence and celebrate your wins. That small commercial appearance? That’s a brick in a powerful wall. Landed a supporting role in a play? Add it to your acting resume and keep going.
Internal Growth and Healthy Motivation:
Embrace Continuous Learning: Acting is a craft that requires constant honing. Take acting classes, workshops, and seminars regularly to refine your skills. Sean constantly took classes to develop his range as an actor which led to him being cast in both television AND movies.
Develop Emotional Intelligence: Understand human emotions deeply to portray them authentically on stage or screen. Practice empathy and observe people around you to understand different emotional nuances.
Cultivate Resilience: Rejection is a significant part of an actor's life. Learn to handle rejection positively, and use it as a tool for growth. Every audition, regardless of the outcome, is an opportunity to learn and improve.
Stay Physically and Mentally Healthy: Acting demands both physical stamina and mental agility. Exercise regularly, eat healthily, and practice mindfulness or meditation to maintain balance and focus. Sean spends a lot of time studying Philippine martial arts and making sure that regular cardio is a part of his day.
Set Realistic Goals: Break down your long-term career goals into smaller, achievable milestones. Celebrate each accomplishment along the way to stay motivated. Understand WHO you want to be and grow into that archetype.
External Actions to Grow Your Career:
Build Your Network: Attend industry events, workshops, and seminars to connect with fellow actors, directors, and casting agents. Networking plays a crucial role in finding opportunities and building relationships in the industry. Sean is known for being easy to work with, having good energy, and giving back in mentorship and guidance for new actors.
Create a Strong Portfolio: Invest in professional headshots, acting reels, and a well-crafted resume. Your portfolio is your calling card, so make sure it showcases your talent and versatility effectively.
Utilize Online Platforms: Create profiles on casting websites like Backstage, Casting Networks, or IMDbPro. These platforms often post casting calls for various projects, providing opportunities to audition for roles.
Seek Representation: Consider getting an agent or manager to represent you. A good agent can help you navigate the industry, negotiate contracts, and access auditions that may not be publicly available.
PR: If you cannot afford a PR firm, you can still do DIY with articles, videos, and short form social media letting the world know about new projects, your experiences and your skills in the acting world.
Attend Auditions Regularly: Keep an eye out for audition notices in trade publications, online platforms, and through your agent. Prepare diligently for each audition, researching the character and script beforehand.
Volunteer for Independent Projects: Offer your talents to student films, independent productions, or theater companies. These opportunities not only provide valuable experience but also help you expand your portfolio and network.
Specific Tips for Getting Television and Movie Roles:
Research Casting Directors: Identify casting directors who specialize in television and film projects within your niche. Follow them on social media, attend their workshops, and submit your materials directly to them when appropriate.
Study Scripts and Characters: Analyze scripts from popular television shows and movies to understand different genres and character archetypes. Practice cold reading and improvisation to adapt quickly during auditions. Sean landed Karate Kid 3 because of the intensity he brought to his character. He was so heated in his audition that Ralph Macchio literally said, “get this guy off me.” In that moment, he was not Sean Kanan, the casting director saw Mike Barnes, “Karate’s Bad Boy” and the rest was history.
Stay Informed About Casting Calls: Subscribe to industry newsletters, follow casting websites, and join online communities where casting calls are frequently shared. Be proactive in seeking out audition opportunities.
Prepare for Screen Tests: Screen tests are common for television and film auditions. Practice performing in front of a camera, focusing on nuances like facial expressions and body language that may be magnified on screen.
Be Versatile: While having a niche can be advantageous, versatility is also essential for landing diverse roles. Showcase your range during auditions by demonstrating your ability to embody different characters convincingly.
Remember, success in acting often comes from a combination of talent, perseverance, and luck. Stay dedicated to your craft, remain open to learning and growth, and keep pushing forward even in the face of challenges. With determination and hard work, you can carve out a fulfilling and successful career in acting.
Thanks for checking this out. If you guys have acting questions, please share below and Ill ask him the best ones and return with his answers and guidance.

It's been a year since the war.
The war where the heroes lost, the demon king won, and the entire land was plunged into darkness and despair. How haughty the humans and their allied were, proud of their chosen ones, light-blessed and equipped with the finest swords and armor. Only to receive the news that their entire party was wiped, their heads displayed as trophies on poles. Speared through the mouth, a grim reminder of the fate of the world.
The mighty walls that once stood tall, fell fast to siege. Morale amongst the kingdom and their pact nations quickly eroded into despair. The elves retreated into the forests, withdrawing to the protection of the Yggdrasil, the World Tree's blessing fading to the corruption of darkness. The dwarves quickly jumped ship, their talents in forging and smithing becoming easily translatable into a tool for the demonic forces. The merfolk withdrew their relations from the terrestrial, knowing that the sea at least would offer them a haven that the demons could not invade, at least not yet.
The demons were an absinthe on a sugar cube, quickly dissolving human society.
But there were those that stood against the overwhelming darkness. Small outposts of humanity attempted their best to survive in this era, scavenging what remained of the world before, under the hazed red skies of the demon king's rule. Those who still wielded magic and blade, dreaming of a day where races that didn't thrive on cruelty and evil to flourish yet again...
~~~
Hello! And yet another prompt from yours truly. This is a medieval fantasy roleplay, with main themes of post-apocalyptic and survival, along with possibilities of things like enemies-to-lovers, adventure, romance, and more! It very much depends on how we decide to write it, as the world is pretty expansive! Please note that this roleplay will have some dark themes.
Please note that I'm comfortable playing either role! Some prompts within the world the demon lord rules:

• A survivor of the war, is injured while trying to scavenge for magic crystals in the ruins of a once-city. They're found by a demon, but that demon doesn't immediately kill them or take them to the governor. Instead, they sympathize with the survivor, willing to shelter them and perhaps even listen to their story...
• The resistance effort is difficult, as mana potions become more and more scarce, in the advent of the growing darkness. Every night, the number of hellhounds grows. A new trainee in the resistance is partnered with a veteran, as reluctant as the professional is. But their bond grows, and they learn to rely on one another under the dark skies.
• The World Tree, Yggdragsil, is dying. The royalty of the elven kingdom has sent the heir out on a quest to find a way to revitalize their sacred oak, as it may provide a means to fend off the darkness. Who will they find on their journey, and what can remove the blight? Do they not realize, that the affliction to the Yggdragsil, translates to all those who are tied to it, thus sealing the fate of the fair folk if nothing is done?
• Have another idea that follows the same vein of these plots? Do tell me! We can also build something together.

~~~
About myself: I'm 25+, and I can only promise you lots of imagination and creativity in a roleplay. I prefer 3rd person, with about 2-7 paragraphs of detail and action in every reply. I'm usually able to reply a few times a day, depending on your timezone (I live in PST). I write female/male/non-binary, play a multitude of characters. I prefer using Discord.
About you: 21+, literate, and can write at least two paragraphs per reply. Preferably can reply one to a few times a day. Can play a multitude of characters as called for, and loves world-building! Preferably uses/prefers anime style face claims. Be willing to provide a writing sample, please.
Looking forward to exploring this wasteland with you!

I won't disclose its actual location, so if that's why you're here, sorry to disappoint. It's not time for that yet. However, I do think it's time to start getting the word out. I've noticed an increase in what I'll call "Antennas" lately, or people who can detect cross-planar phase shifts. Without getting into all the math (some of which I don't even know), this is basically a phenomenon which refers to entropy seeping into our universe from other realms or universes or whatever you want to call it. Simply put, people think our universe is a closed system to entropy, meaning that the disorder of any variable in our universe can only increase or decrease in direct proportion to other variables in that same system (the universe). Under this precept, we can establish rules like the Laws of Thermodynamics, and for most people, they're effective. But not for Antennas.
Put another way, if you throw a bunch of bouncy balls into a box, there are a number of different configurations that the balls could take on, with different speeds and magnitudes. You can calculate all of those if you have the right numbers. Now let's say you throw in another set of balls that you don't consider in your calculations of the initial set. Well, then you're not going to get an accurate picture of what's happening. Most people only see the first set and calculate based on that, but some people can see two, three, four or more sets.
You'll understand the concept better when I tell you the story, but I wanted to give you a primer on an important concept that will help you understand why this place, which I'll call "Area X", exists, and what the goals of the people who work there are.
Also note that I'm going to be using the alias "Trent" moving forward. Please refer to me as such in any direct messages.
***
Eighteen years ago I started working as an independent Home Inspector. I dropped out of community college after my first semester (not because I didn't find some of the subjects interesting, but because deference to a man or woman has never been my style) and started working some odd jobs. I did construction work for a couple years, then plumbing. I even drove a garbage truck for six months. I've always found pleasure in using my hands, and getting dirty was never a problem for me. Still, having a boss really dragged ass, so I spent my free time working on creating my own business. It took a few years and lots of savings, but I finally managed to get basic set of Home Inspection equipment: Tyvek coveralls, a cheap half-face respirator, voltage & AFCI/GFCI testers, CO2 and radon monitors, an IR camera, and telescoping mirrors in addition to the boots, safety glasses, electric gloves, ladder, and toolkits I already had on hand.
My buddy at the time was in the business, but he was moving off to the coast, so he helped me get set up and even introduced me to some of his clients. Of course, by that time I had already gotten my State license, but I still was a bit apprehensive to work with insurance agencies. I thought I could make a living working independently, inspecting for mold or sizing up a house for a prospective buyer. Eventually, though, I realized I should probably take every job available to me.
Easing into the business went about as well as it could have. The clients my friend referred to me were very satisfied with my work, and I was able to retain them. Then, in order to increase my reach, I hired someone on Fiverr to build a website for my company which led to a marked increase in traffic and conversions. About six months through, I began to get on a first-name basis with the boys and girls down down at Allstate and Progressive, and they fed me some of the bigger cases. In fact, I got so booked by year's end that I had to hire someone to help manage my schedule and the Excel spreadsheet with all my finances. I capped off a successful year with a 5-star Google rating and a trip to Ireland to visit some family and friends and get piss drunk. When I got back, it was the grindstone all over again, until the summer when I discovered… well, you'll see.
First off, I want to say that I was never one to believe in the paranormal. I grew up watching the movies and hearing the ghost stories round the campfire like every other kid, but it never struck a chord with me. If I can't touch it or see it or hear it, does it really exist? Probably not. So don't go thinking this was a scared man seeing his own shadow. That being said, I had this sense that something was off about this house when I parked along the curb and looked through a large window, perhaps two times the size of my van, to a dingy, dark foyer.
The entire neighborhood was stacked with upper-middle class domiciles, though it seemed like only two thirds of them were occupied, mostly by professionals who commuted to the City every weekday, and the rest were empty. As a man who understands real estate, to say this was strange would be an understatement. Still, I had no problem appraising the mini-mansion for a couple of newlyweds looking to enter the community. I did some research on the property ahead of time, and it seems that it was owned by a couple of old timers who had gone off the grid some time ago. The water and electric bill were both unpaid dating back to 2004 (it was June of '06 now). The bank had repo'd the house (which only had about 100k left on it) and held it for a year and a half before putting it back on the market. I tried to find out more about the old couple who vanished, but there was nothing in the news.
I stepped out of the van in my coveralls and grabbed my suitcase which had my mask, gloves, and eye protection in it. I liked to do a preliminary survey first, running an eye test on the exterior then interior before bringing out the big guns (that way I could identify the areas where I think there could be problems instead of running a metal detector over the whole damn ocean seaboard). I was about to do just that when the window caught my eye again. It felt uncharacteristic of me to be so occupied with this window, but I detoured to the front porch and peeked inside anyway.
Most of the furniture had already been moved out, meaning all that was left was a single three-seater couch, a couple candlesticks on the fireplace mantle, a pristine chandelier overtop a dining room table, and the kitchenware: an oven, gas stovetop, marble countertops, and an island. I could see into the living room very clearly with the afternoon light, but the dining room was dim enough that there were a few structures I couldn't quite make out in the distance. One of them appeared to be some kind of china cabinet or bookshelf—I figured it was the former considering where it was located. The other shadow looked kind of like a grandfather clock. Or at least that's what I thought until it moved.
When I say it "moved", I don't mean to say that it picked up and walked away. If you're not familiar with the Necker Cube, I suggest you search it up, because that kind of illusion is the best way to describe what I saw. At first I was seeing the grandfather clock in a certain way—pushed into the corner of the room—and the next second my vision "corrected" and it was maybe five feet to the left of its former position. I shook my head and looked again and saw the grandfather clock in its second orientation, standing in the center of the room against the wall. I figured I was just seeing things, but even so I spent a little extra time dawdling around the Egress window, taking notes, and delaying the interior inspection.
When I finally grew a pair and went inside, I walked straight to the dining room. Sure enough, the grandfather clock was stowed away in the corner of the room. I spent a couple minutes watching it with my pencil and travel notebook out. I'm the kind of guy that likes to collect hard data when the chips are down. Unfortunately, the clock apparently already had enough fun and was content with sweating me. Oh, well.
I fitted my pencil behind my ear and pocketed my travel notebook, then flipped the rest of the first floor lights on and completed my prelim. I concluded that everything was pretty standard. If anything, the house was in better shape than I'd expect considering it presumably hasn't been lived in for a couple years. I say "presumably" because one can never count out squatters, even during those times. Mainly I was expecting more dust build up and cobwebs than there were. Perhaps someone from the department had come by recently. It's unlikely, but possible.
I did the same check upstairs and it came back mostly clean. There was a bit of staining near the attic I wanted to check for mold. Based on its color, it was probably just a minor case of Aspergillus, but better safe than sorry. Then I got to the basement, and, well, let's just count out the idea of anyone dropping by. I don't know what I was expecting, but it certainly wasn't what I found.
The first thing that caught my eye was the long, slender body of a birch tree lying pale and dead across a large portion of the even larger unfinished basement's cement flooring. I had to do a double take to make sure I wasn't dreaming, but, yep, there it was. Its crown was sealed up in the wall with only its trunk hanging out, which made me think of those medieval pillory devices which locked up people's heads and arms. Then confetti-scattered around the tree and all over the basement floor was a minefield of broken glass and ceramic tangled up with a set of random objects. And when I say random, I mean random. There was an unfurled Somali flag (the blue one with a single star in the center), some packaged drinks and condiments branded with all sorts of different languages (I could only make out Gaelic and Chinese or Japanese, I couldn't quite tell), a broken dome-shaped security camera, an otoscope (the thing the doc uses to check your ears), Hot Wheels cars (okay that one isn't so strange), and the list goes on.
At that moment, I wasn't freaked out or disgusted. I was more or less just confused. I started walking through the rubble, trying to avoid the sharp fragments but pretty confident that my steel toed boots would crush most the pieces anyway, when I heard a clink just up ahead. I was able to spot the coin in time, just before it jingled to a halt atop an old Life magazine. I picked it up and noted right away its oval shape and bronze color—clearly not American made. I tried reading it, but not only was the language not English, it appeared to be so old that most of the lettering had been filed down. I looked up at the ceiling to see if it dropped from a shelf, but there was nothing that could have been holding the coin. I considered for a moment, looking around at the other junk, and had the crazy idea that maybe all this stuff just appeared here. I popped the coin in my pocket and headed back to the van when I stopped by the tree and realized something. It wasn't a birch tree—it was a palm tree. I just didn't realize because of how ashy and decayed the bark was.
Now at this point you might think I've been acting a little nonchalant for such a strange occurrence, and I don't blame you, but if you're gonna stick around with me that's just something you're gonna have to get used to. I guess I was just born with a screw loose, but I really don't scare easily, and I tend to look at everything pragmatically. If you dig deep enough, you'll always find another plausible explanation. That being said, I do want to get to the part about Area X, so let me give you the rundown on what I learned about this basement.
I ended up trekking back to the van and picking up my gear. I was no longer running the routine inspection, obviously, but I figured I might as well throw 30 thousand dollars of scanning equipment at whatever the fuck anamoly existed in that basement. Most of it came back negative. There was a bit higher-than-usual EM interference as picked up on the voltmeters, but nothing that screamed danger close. Still, it was enough for me to set up my volt testers and IR camera while muddling through the rest of the junk. I won't bore you with another list of items, but I did find one thing of value: a diamond necklace. And not just any diamond necklace, it was one of those Queen-wearing, multi-row, big-jeweled necklaces like out of some Historical Fiction movie from the thirties. I almost didn't pocket it because I'm used to expensive items being owned by someone… someone who might want it back. But I figured if there was ever a place the finder's keeper's rule applied, it was probably in this Quantum graveyard.
7 O'clock rolled around and I hadn't eaten. I'm a pretty bulky guy, carrying my share of both muscle and fat, and most people think that means I need to eat a ton but that's really not the case. Mostly I just get dehydrated easily, especially in the summer. That said, I was bordering on famished territory and considered heading out for a bite when I heard another sound. The first thing I did was check my scanners, and sure enough the voltage needle was fully spun to the right side of the dial. EM interference. Then I went to see what had dropped. I was able to pick the object out pretty quickly since I had spent the last 6 hours staring at the mosaic of a basement floor. It was a silver briefcase, like one of those out of a crime novel, and it was cracked open.
I had this sense then that I was standing at a precipice, and if I opened the briefcase and looked inside, I wouldn't be able to stop whatever would come afterwards. Part of me deep down knew that I was just that type of guy that had to know, and maybe this was my Hamlet moment where it would be a trait gone a step too far. But then again I didn't really believe in any of that sentimental bullshit, so I opened the briefcase.
The gun surprised me a little, but not as much as the piece of paper laid atop a case file reading in large black font, "FIND ME". I expected the envelope to have some missing person file in it, but instead there were all these schematics and blueprints for some kind of device. Whatever it was, it was pretty massive. Some of the lengths were hundreds of meters long. And what's more strange is based on the blueprint's locale, it appeared to be underground. I looked back through the pages a couple times, then checked the note—nothing strange there. The gun appeared to be a simple glock. I was no gun expert, but I had been to the range pretty regularly with my construction buddies, so I got used to the feel of a pistol and rifle and some of the different names; however, I realized pretty quickly it wasn't your standard glock when I couldn't find mag-release. That's when I noticed how light the gun felt. I tried to chamber a round, but again, there was no hammer. What the hell kind of gun was this?
I ended up throwing everything back in the briefcase, including the necklace, coin, and a few Koozies I found that were branded with one of my favorite sports teams (never let an opportunity go to waste). I put up all my shit back in the van and spun over to a local burger joint, got my fill, and went home. I made sure to draft an email to the prospective buyers, telling them the house had several patches of black mold and a bit of a rat problem before drifting off to sleep. Although I really didn't do much of that.
When I woke up, I took a cold shower and downed a can of Reign, then commuted to my gym and got a lift and some sauna time in before making the trip back to the house. I brought some extra supplies with me for some experiments I cooked up while not sleeping the previous night.
First, I had two camcorders set up on a couple tripods in either corner of the basement. I wanted clear footage of these mystery objects spawning in. Then I set up a voltmeter in a similar fashion, but I had a wire extending out of it on a circuit which fed to an alarm that would blare when the reading was over 250 volts. Upstairs, I rearranged some of the furniture so that the small number of tables, chairs, clock, cabinets, and other little pillows or vases I could find were scattered across the living room, dining room, and kitchen. Then I pulled up a lawn chair to the front porch window and waited.
I didn't have to wait long though. In about a minute, I started to notice some of the objects moving. It was strange. When a few of them would shift simultaneously, it was like looking at a holographic card that would change shape depending on where your eyes were in relation to the image. Every time I saw a shift, I felt an awkward feeling in my eyes. They went blurry for a fraction of a second, then there was a twinge of pain, as if my brain couldn't handle the contradictory stimulus. It didn't get more crazy than that though—until the alarm went off.
I had cracked open the small rectangular window in the basement to the side of the house so I would hear it. It took four hours and several strange stares from passersby walking their dogs before it rang, so I was a bit lost in my thoughts, but when I heard the beep I perked up fast. It lasted for maybe 5 seconds total, but what I saw was truly miraculous. The best way I can describe it is a pool of silver or gray or translucent light emerging in the foreground between me and the objects in the different rooms. A series of twisting tentacles sprouted from the gray octopus-like head and spun in a way that reminded me of that little kids ride at the amusement parks. Then the objects started to "heat up" is the way I describe it. Their position became relative, meaning they were here one second, there another, then they popped out of existence entirely. Suddenly the rooms were all empty, then they were full of things I had never seen before. Then five seconds passed and the octopus vanished and it was back to the same old objects in their usual places.
It took a few minutes to process what I saw, and even then I wasn't sure I really saw it. I went inside and looked around at my distribution of the house's furnishings. They were all there, intact. Then I went downstairs to check the cams. I rewinded a couple minutes and played it back, but there was no flying object to be found. Instead, there was some gray static that lasted half a second and then the object, a kid's treasure chest toy, was there on the ground. But you want to know the really strange part? I rewinded the tape again, and when I watched the footage back, the treasure chest was always there.
I later came to understand that these poppings in-and-out of our reality are only conceivable to a conscious mind that can track the interference patterns—not rote computational instruments. In fact, even most people can't do it (although everyone has at least a slight awareness of it, even if only subconsciously). Plus, locations like the basement of this house are very rare and kept under tight lock. That became obvious to me two days later when, after my normal morning routine, I pulled up to a driveway and curbside filled with unmarked government vehicles. Either bravely or stupidly, I pulled up to a few officers (they were wearing suits in 85 degree weather, so I assumed…) who were idling by the large fence of crime scene tape and asked them what the score was.
"There was a crime," said the short man with a unibrow.
"Oh, is that right? Damn shame. Someone break in? I have a niece who lives nearby, so…"
The man looked at his two compatriots, both of whom were wearing sunglasses and a "get this civilian fuck out of here" expressions. "Oh, yeah," he started in a reassuring tone that was so condescending it would have annoyed anyone except me, "we found a body. We think it was a homicide. Best to keep your kids away from here for a while."
I thumbed the stubble on my chin, my other hand outstretched on the wheel, and considered moving on, but my mouth had other ideas. "That right? But uh, isn't this house vacant? I mean, I don't remember no one living in it."
The short man, now tall with temper, said, "Yeah, some squatters. We think there was a dispute over some drug money. Nothing for you to worry about though, we got it under control. Now if you wouldn't mind moving along, we have a lot of work to do."
Oh, I'm sure you do, I thought, but only said, "Of course, sir, sorry for keeping you from your job." Then I rolled up the window and cruised on, keeping my eyes on the house which slowly diminished in the side-view mirror.
Luckily I had been smart enough to break down my camp and lug home all my equipment each night, so I didn't leave anything incriminating. I didn't move the furniture back, so maybe that would come back to haunt me, but considering the kind of shit going down in that house, I didn't think they would notice.
For any of you wondering about the conclusion of the house story, I went back a couple weeks later after the suits had left and the tape was taken down and confirmed that not only was the basement entirely cleaned out, but it was no longer exhibiting any strange properties. I looked for a story related to the house, maybe a made up murder of some kind, but there was nothing. That bastard lied to me and didn't even bother to cover his story up.
Now, in the aftermath of an event such as this, I really only had one of two options. I could forget it, move on, continue living life. The necklace was surely worth a fortune. I could sell it and have enough to retire, or at least hire enough people and expand my business large enough to retire within ten or so years. Or I could take all that money and invest it in my own PI business with only a single objective: finding out what those people knew, and why they were hiding it.
I think you know me well enough by now to guess which line of reasoning appealed more to me.
***
For the sake of brevity, I'm going to omit most of my encounters along the journey to discovering Area X. There's a lot to tell, and if it appeals to you perhaps I'd be willing to share at a later date, but for now I want to get this part of the story, the more proximal part, out in the open.
Three years ago, I discovered the source of what I'll call "The Receiver". This is the device that was schematized in the documents that I found in the briefcase. What it does is a complex answer, and how it does it is pretty much all speculation, but here's what I've been able to find out: this universe we live in is a node in a network of many other spaces. These spaces exist in higher dimensions that we cannot directly perceive, but using a conceivable analogy, just think about a flower with petals. The petals are these other dimensions which bleed into our world, which is at the center. However, it's not that pretty. We see the physical world through the lens of spacetime: sizes, speeds, etc. These other dimensions don't necessarily have space or time. In fact, what actually exists there, I couldn't say. The only data I have on them is from two sources: correspondence information and server data from the secret agency (which I'll call "the Organization") that keeps this under wraps, and first-hand experience with realms from these other entities, either directly (I experience it) or through the eyes of someone else with the same or greater abilities than I possess.
I referred to these people with abilities earlier as "Antennas", and I will continue to use the term. Antennas really come in three flavors, marked by the strength of their ability: weak Antennas, like me, are able to observe spontaneous interactions between our universe and other dimensions (phase shifts) when there is a strong force of collision like existed in the basement; moderate Antennas may see phase shifts occur at any point, and they usually are able to retain memories from across the different transformations; strong Antennas, and I don't know if they exist yet, but they are able to consciously interact with these other realms and cause phase shifts to occur.
I mentioned that moderate Antennas are able to retain memories from before and after a phase shift. Technically, all Antennas have this ability, but it's about degree. I can recall only very specific instances and without much detail. Moderates are usually able to pick out much more nuanced minutiae. At the lower end of moderate scale, most of those details fade or get fuzzy over time, but for the very strong Antennas, they hold onto almost everything. One other property that scales with strength is interaction with other conscious entities. Only a small percentage of moderates are able to do this. What's interesting is that these entities can possess (yes, like ghosts) people who aren't even antennas, but no one is aware of such possession at this deep of a level. I have several companions now, and only two have had interactions with these otherworldly beings. Not all of them are malevolent, some of them are whimsical or kind, but there are a fair share of demons out there.
Getting back to the point, Area X started as a government funded project in the 70's. At that time, they were focused on a few subjects: Artificial Intelligence, DNA sequencing, and psychedelics. Yes, they were part of the infamous LSD experiments. But they looked at these subjects through a common lens—there was something that the burgeoning tech industry, fueled by the advent of a commercial computer market, was missing. As the tech giants rose in the early 2000's and began to collect mass amounts of data, this other agency was decades ahead in a different metric, although it was completely (and still is) hidden from the public. Their efforts to understand psychedelic experiences led to a formalized method of understanding interactions between multiple realities. They built certain scanning equipment to detect anomalies like the one I found in the basement; although their tools were much more sophisticated and didn't utilize voltage readings. Then they ran tests in these areas. One area in particular is a hot-bed of phase shift interactions. That's where Area X is located (and the Receiver).
The Receiver is a giant electromagnetic orb that has trapped the kind of multi-dimensional energy that causes the phase shifts; since the Organization seized control of the lab, it's effectively become a map of the Earth in relation to these other worlds. For the past twenty or so years, the Organization has been studying this map, using the data big Tech companies have collected to essentially develop a Rosetta Stone for interpreting the meaning of the fluctuations in their scanning equipment. Recently, the public, though going the long way round, was actually pretty close to a breakthrough in this same department until recently when ultra-powerful LLMs surfaced, and the whole world began going down what I'd argue is the wrong rabbit hole of language processing. But I digress.
Area X is essentially a private military base built for defending the most impactful piece of technology ever invented. With the Receiver, the Organization now has the power to essentially predict any and all future outcomes, the only thing holding them back is the limitations of their own scanning equipment which will get better with time. To put it into perspective, the Organization has access to a kind of data allocation tool which in one day can produce over ten thousand times that the Big Data companies combined would be able to filter through in the next decade. You might think, then, that the problem is merely asymmetric power, and that is certainly a concern, but it isn't the main concern. The main issue is that this organization is actively recruiting (and kidnapping) Antennas from around the world in an effort to find or make one of them into a strong Antenna. In other words, they want a subject who is able not only to see the future, but to manipulate it at will.
balance to the world. I've been working on amassing resources, capital, and building my own team, and now I'm ready. You might ask why I'm posting this here. Wouldn't it be better to keep all this secret? Well, yes, it would be. But that's the problem. Nothing is secret anymore. They know about me and the others, and if I don't make a move, they will. In a way, this is a letter directly to the organization that I know, and I'm coming.
In a different way, I wanted to release this information to the public. There are lots of people out there waking up and realizing that the world they experience is not the one others experience. If you think you might be an Antenna, don't be afraid—you have a special gift that can be controlled. If you want more details on how to control it, or if you're interested in my mission, don't be afraid to reach out. This hasn't always been my life's work, but it is now.
At least until I die.

I won't disclose its actual location, so if that's why you're here, sorry to disappoint. It's not time for that yet. However, I do think it's time to start getting the word out. I've noticed an increase in what I'll call "Antennas" lately, or people who can detect cross-planar phase shifts. Without getting into all the math (some of which I don't even know), this is basically a phenomenon which refers to entropy seeping into our universe from other realms or universes or whatever you want to call it. Simply put, people think our universe is a closed system to entropy, meaning that the disorder of any variable in our universe can only increase or decrease in direct proportion to other variables in that same system (the universe). Under this precept, we can establish rules like the Laws of Thermodynamics, and for most people, they're effective. But not for Antennas.
Put another way, if you throw a bunch of bouncy balls into a box, there are a number of different configurations that the balls could take on, with different speeds and magnitudes. You can calculate all of those if you have the right numbers. Now let's say you throw in another set of balls that you don't consider in your calculations of the initial set. Well, then you're not going to get an accurate picture of what's happening. Most people only see the first set and calculate based on that, but some people can see two, three, four or more sets.
You'll understand the concept better when I tell you the story, but I wanted to give you a primer on an important concept that will help you understand why this place, which I'll call "Area X", exists, and what the goals of the people who work there are.
Also note that I'm going to be using the alias "Trent" moving forward. Please refer to me as such in any direct messages.
***
Eighteen years ago I started working as an independent Home Inspector. I dropped out of community college after my first semester (not because I didn't find some of the subjects interesting, but because deference to a man or woman has never been my style) and started working some odd jobs. I did construction work for a couple years, then plumbing. I even drove a garbage truck for six months. I've always found pleasure in using my hands, and getting dirty was never a problem for me. Still, having a boss really dragged ass, so I spent my free time working on creating my own business. It took a few years and lots of savings, but I finally managed to get basic set of Home Inspection equipment: Tyvek coveralls, a cheap half-face respirator, voltage & AFCI/GFCI testers, CO2 and radon monitors, an IR camera, and telescoping mirrors in addition to the boots, safety glasses, electric gloves, ladder, and toolkits I already had on hand.
My buddy at the time was in the business, but he was moving off to the coast, so he helped me get set up and even introduced me to some of his clients. Of course, by that time I had already gotten my State license, but I still was a bit apprehensive to work with insurance agencies. I thought I could make a living working independently, inspecting for mold or sizing up a house for a prospective buyer. Eventually, though, I realized I should probably take every job available to me.
Easing into the business went about as well as it could have. The clients my friend referred to me were very satisfied with my work, and I was able to retain them. Then, in order to increase my reach, I hired someone on Fiverr to build a website for my company which led to a marked increase in traffic and conversions. About six months through, I began to get on a first-name basis with the boys and girls down down at Allstate and Progressive, and they fed me some of the bigger cases. In fact, I got so booked by year's end that I had to hire someone to help manage my schedule and the Excel spreadsheet with all my finances. I capped off a successful year with a 5-star Google rating and a trip to Ireland to visit some family and friends and get piss drunk. When I got back, it was the grindstone all over again, until the summer when I discovered… well, you'll see.
First off, I want to say that I was never one to believe in the paranormal. I grew up watching the movies and hearing the ghost stories round the campfire like every other kid, but it never struck a chord with me. If I can't touch it or see it or hear it, does it really exist? Probably not. So don't go thinking this was a scared man seeing his own shadow. That being said, I had this sense that something was off about this house when I parked along the curb and looked through a large window, perhaps two times the size of my van, to a dingy, dark foyer.
The entire neighborhood was stacked with upper-middle class domiciles, though it seemed like only two thirds of them were occupied, mostly by professionals who commuted to the City every weekday, and the rest were empty. As a man who understands real estate, to say this was strange would be an understatement. Still, I had no problem appraising the mini-mansion for a couple of newlyweds looking to enter the community. I did some research on the property ahead of time, and it seems that it was owned by a couple of old timers who had gone off the grid some time ago. The water and electric bill were both unpaid dating back to 2004 (it was June of '06 now). The bank had repo'd the house (which only had about 100k left on it) and held it for a year and a half before putting it back on the market. I tried to find out more about the old couple who vanished, but there was nothing in the news.
I stepped out of the van in my coveralls and grabbed my suitcase which had my mask, gloves, and eye protection in it. I liked to do a preliminary survey first, running an eye test on the exterior then interior before bringing out the big guns (that way I could identify the areas where I think there could be problems instead of running a metal detector over the whole damn ocean seaboard). I was about to do just that when the window caught my eye again. It felt uncharacteristic of me to be so occupied with this window, but I detoured to the front porch and peeked inside anyway.
Most of the furniture had already been moved out, meaning all that was left was a single three-seater couch, a couple candlesticks on the fireplace mantle, a pristine chandelier overtop a dining room table, and the kitchenware: an oven, gas stovetop, marble countertops, and an island. I could see into the living room very clearly with the afternoon light, but the dining room was dim enough that there were a few structures I couldn't quite make out in the distance. One of them appeared to be some kind of china cabinet or bookshelf—I figured it was the former considering where it was located. The other shadow looked kind of like a grandfather clock. Or at least that's what I thought until it moved.
When I say it "moved", I don't mean to say that it picked up and walked away. If you're not familiar with the Necker Cube, I suggest you search it up, because that kind of illusion is the best way to describe what I saw. At first I was seeing the grandfather clock in a certain way—pushed into the corner of the room—and the next second my vision "corrected" and it was maybe five feet to the left of its former position. I shook my head and looked again and saw the grandfather clock in its second orientation, standing in the center of the room against the wall. I figured I was just seeing things, but even so I spent a little extra time dawdling around the Egress window, taking notes, and delaying the interior inspection.
When I finally grew a pair and went inside, I walked straight to the dining room. Sure enough, the grandfather clock was stowed away in the corner of the room. I spent a couple minutes watching it with my pencil and travel notebook out. I'm the kind of guy that likes to collect hard data when the chips are down. Unfortunately, the clock apparently already had enough fun and was content with sweating me. Oh, well.
I fitted my pencil behind my ear and pocketed my travel notebook, then flipped the rest of the first floor lights on and completed my prelim. I concluded that everything was pretty standard. If anything, the house was in better shape than I'd expect considering it presumably hasn't been lived in for a couple years. I say "presumably" because one can never count out squatters, even during those times. Mainly I was expecting more dust build up and cobwebs than there were. Perhaps someone from the department had come by recently. It's unlikely, but possible.
I did the same check upstairs and it came back mostly clean. There was a bit of staining near the attic I wanted to check for mold. Based on its color, it was probably just a minor case of Aspergillus, but better safe than sorry. Then I got to the basement, and, well, let's just count out the idea of anyone dropping by. I don't know what I was expecting, but it certainly wasn't what I found.
The first thing that caught my eye was the long, slender body of a birch tree lying pale and dead across a large portion of the even larger unfinished basement's cement flooring. I had to do a double take to make sure I wasn't dreaming, but, yep, there it was. Its crown was sealed up in the wall with only its trunk hanging out, which made me think of those medieval pillory devices which locked up people's heads and arms. Then confetti-scattered around the tree and all over the basement floor was a minefield of broken glass and ceramic tangled up with a set of random objects. And when I say random, I mean random. There was an unfurled Somali flag (the blue one with a single star in the center), some packaged drinks and condiments branded with all sorts of different languages (I could only make out Gaelic and Chinese or Japanese, I couldn't quite tell), a broken dome-shaped security camera, an otoscope (the thing the doc uses to check your ears), Hot Wheels cars (okay that one isn't so strange), and the list goes on.
At that moment, I wasn't freaked out or disgusted. I was more or less just confused. I started walking through the rubble, trying to avoid the sharp fragments but pretty confident that my steel toed boots would crush most the pieces anyway, when I heard a clink just up ahead. I was able to spot the coin in time, just before it jingled to a halt atop an old Life magazine. I picked it up and noted right away its oval shape and bronze color—clearly not American made. I tried reading it, but not only was the language not English, it appeared to be so old that most of the lettering had been filed down. I looked up at the ceiling to see if it dropped from a shelf, but there was nothing that could have been holding the coin. I considered for a moment, looking around at the other junk, and had the crazy idea that maybe all this stuff just appeared here. I popped the coin in my pocket and headed back to the van when I stopped by the tree and realized something. It wasn't a birch tree—it was a palm tree. I just didn't realize because of how ashy and decayed the bark was.
Now at this point you might think I've been acting a little nonchalant for such a strange occurrence, and I don't blame you, but if you're gonna stick around with me that's just something you're gonna have to get used to. I guess I was just born with a screw loose, but I really don't scare easily, and I tend to look at everything pragmatically. If you dig deep enough, you'll always find another plausible explanation. That being said, I do want to get to the part about Area X, so let me give you the rundown on what I learned about this basement.
I ended up trekking back to the van and picking up my gear. I was no longer running the routine inspection, obviously, but I figured I might as well throw 30 thousand dollars of scanning equipment at whatever the fuck anamoly existed in that basement. Most of it came back negative. There was a bit higher-than-usual EM interference as picked up on the voltmeters, but nothing that screamed danger close. Still, it was enough for me to set up my volt testers and IR camera while muddling through the rest of the junk. I won't bore you with another list of items, but I did find one thing of value: a diamond necklace. And not just any diamond necklace, it was one of those Queen-wearing, multi-row, big-jeweled necklaces like out of some Historical Fiction movie from the thirties. I almost didn't pocket it because I'm used to expensive items being owned by someone… someone who might want it back. But I figured if there was ever a place the finder's keeper's rule applied, it was probably in this Quantum graveyard.
7 O'clock rolled around and I hadn't eaten. I'm a pretty bulky guy, carrying my share of both muscle and fat, and most people think that means I need to eat a ton but that's really not the case. Mostly I just get dehydrated easily, especially in the summer. That said, I was bordering on famished territory and considered heading out for a bite when I heard another sound. The first thing I did was check my scanners, and sure enough the voltage needle was fully spun to the right side of the dial. EM interference. Then I went to see what had dropped. I was able to pick the object out pretty quickly since I had spent the last 6 hours staring at the mosaic of a basement floor. It was a silver briefcase, like one of those out of a crime novel, and it was cracked open.
I had this sense then that I was standing at a precipice, and if I opened the briefcase and looked inside, I wouldn't be able to stop whatever would come afterwards. Part of me deep down knew that I was just that type of guy that had to know, and maybe this was my Hamlet moment where it would be a trait gone a step too far. But then again I didn't really believe in any of that sentimental bullshit, so I opened the briefcase.
The gun surprised me a little, but not as much as the piece of paper laid atop a case file reading in large black font, "FIND ME". I expected the envelope to have some missing person file in it, but instead there were all these schematics and blueprints for some kind of device. Whatever it was, it was pretty massive. Some of the lengths were hundreds of meters long. And what's more strange is based on the blueprint's locale, it appeared to be underground. I looked back through the pages a couple times, then checked the note—nothing strange there. The gun appeared to be a simple glock. I was no gun expert, but I had been to the range pretty regularly with my construction buddies, so I got used to the feel of a pistol and rifle and some of the different names; however, I realized pretty quickly it wasn't your standard glock when I couldn't find mag-release. That's when I noticed how light the gun felt. I tried to chamber a round, but again, there was no hammer. What the hell kind of gun was this?
I ended up throwing everything back in the briefcase, including the necklace, coin, and a few Koozies I found that were branded with one of my favorite sports teams (never let an opportunity go to waste). I put up all my shit back in the van and spun over to a local burger joint, got my fill, and went home. I made sure to draft an email to the prospective buyers, telling them the house had several patches of black mold and a bit of a rat problem before drifting off to sleep. Although I really didn't do much of that.
When I woke up, I took a cold shower and downed a can of Reign, then commuted to my gym and got a lift and some sauna time in before making the trip back to the house. I brought some extra supplies with me for some experiments I cooked up while not sleeping the previous night.
First, I had two camcorders set up on a couple tripods in either corner of the basement. I wanted clear footage of these mystery objects spawning in. Then I set up a voltmeter in a similar fashion, but I had a wire extending out of it on a circuit which fed to an alarm that would blare when the reading was over 250 volts. Upstairs, I rearranged some of the furniture so that the small number of tables, chairs, clock, cabinets, and other little pillows or vases I could find were scattered across the living room, dining room, and kitchen. Then I pulled up a lawn chair to the front porch window and waited.
I didn't have to wait long though. In about a minute, I started to notice some of the objects moving. It was strange. When a few of them would shift simultaneously, it was like looking at a holographic card that would change shape depending on where your eyes were in relation to the image. Every time I saw a shift, I felt an awkward feeling in my eyes. They went blurry for a fraction of a second, then there was a twinge of pain, as if my brain couldn't handle the contradictory stimulus. It didn't get more crazy than that though—until the alarm went off.
I had cracked open the small rectangular window in the basement to the side of the house so I would hear it. It took four hours and several strange stares from passersby walking their dogs before it rang, so I was a bit lost in my thoughts, but when I heard the beep I perked up fast. It lasted for maybe 5 seconds total, but what I saw was truly miraculous. The best way I can describe it is a pool of silver or gray or translucent light emerging in the foreground between me and the objects in the different rooms. A series of twisting tentacles sprouted from the gray octopus-like head and spun in a way that reminded me of that little kids ride at the amusement parks. Then the objects started to "heat up" is the way I describe it. Their position became relative, meaning they were here one second, there another, then they popped out of existence entirely. Suddenly the rooms were all empty, then they were full of things I had never seen before. Then five seconds passed and the octopus vanished and it was back to the same old objects in their usual places.
It took a few minutes to process what I saw, and even then I wasn't sure I really saw it. I went inside and looked around at my distribution of the house's furnishings. They were all there, intact. Then I went downstairs to check the cams. I rewinded a couple minutes and played it back, but there was no flying object to be found. Instead, there was some gray static that lasted half a second and then the object, a kid's treasure chest toy, was there on the ground. But you want to know the really strange part? I rewinded the tape again, and when I watched the footage back, the treasure chest was always there.
I later came to understand that these poppings in-and-out of our reality are only conceivable to a conscious mind that can track the interference patterns—not rote computational instruments. In fact, even most people can't do it (although everyone has at least a slight awareness of it, even if only subconsciously). Plus, locations like the basement of this house are very rare and kept under tight lock. That became obvious to me two days later when, after my normal morning routine, I pulled up to a driveway and curbside filled with unmarked government vehicles. Either bravely or stupidly, I pulled up to a few officers (they were wearing suits in 85 degree weather, so I assumed…) who were idling by the large fence of crime scene tape and asked them what the score was.
"There was a crime," said the short man with a unibrow.
"Oh, is that right? Damn shame. Someone break in? I have a niece who lives nearby, so…"
The man looked at his two compatriots, both of whom were wearing sunglasses and a "get this civilian fuck out of here" expressions. "Oh, yeah," he started in a reassuring tone that was so condescending it would have annoyed anyone except me, "we found a body. We think it was a homicide. Best to keep your kids away from here for a while."
I thumbed the stubble on my chin, my other hand outstretched on the wheel, and considered moving on, but my mouth had other ideas. "That right? But uh, isn't this house vacant? I mean, I don't remember no one living in it."
The short man, now tall with temper, said, "Yeah, some squatters. We think there was a dispute over some drug money. Nothing for you to worry about though, we got it under control. Now if you wouldn't mind moving along, we have a lot of work to do."
Oh, I'm sure you do, I thought, but only said, "Of course, sir, sorry for keeping you from your job." Then I rolled up the window and cruised on, keeping my eyes on the house which slowly diminished in the side-view mirror.
Luckily I had been smart enough to break down my camp and lug home all my equipment each night, so I didn't leave anything incriminating. I didn't move the furniture back, so maybe that would come back to haunt me, but considering the kind of shit going down in that house, I didn't think they would notice.
For any of you wondering about the conclusion of the house story, I went back a couple weeks later after the suits had left and the tape was taken down and confirmed that not only was the basement entirely cleaned out, but it was no longer exhibiting any strange properties. I looked for a story related to the house, maybe a made up murder of some kind, but there was nothing. That bastard lied to me and didn't even bother to cover his story up.
Now, in the aftermath of an event such as this, I really only had one of two options. I could forget it, move on, continue living life. The necklace was surely worth a fortune. I could sell it and have enough to retire, or at least hire enough people and expand my business large enough to retire within ten or so years. Or I could take all that money and invest it in my own PI business with only a single objective: finding out what those people knew, and why they were hiding it.
I think you know me well enough by now to guess which line of reasoning appealed more to me.
***
For the sake of brevity, I'm going to omit most of my encounters along the journey to discovering Area X. There's a lot to tell, and if it appeals to you perhaps I'd be willing to share at a later date, but for now I want to get this part of the story, the more proximal part, out in the open.
Three years ago, I discovered the source of what I'll call "The Receiver". This is the device that was schematized in the documents that I found in the briefcase. What it does is a complex answer, and how it does it is pretty much all speculation, but here's what I've been able to find out: this universe we live in is a node in a network of many other spaces. These spaces exist in higher dimensions that we cannot directly perceive, but using a conceivable analogy, just think about a flower with petals. The petals are these other dimensions which bleed into our world, which is at the center. However, it's not that pretty. We see the physical world through the lens of spacetime: sizes, speeds, etc. These other dimensions don't necessarily have space or time. In fact, what actually exists there, I couldn't say. The only data I have on them is from two sources: correspondence information and server data from the secret agency (which I'll call "the Organization") that keeps this under wraps, and first-hand experience with realms from these other entities, either directly (I experience it) or through the eyes of someone else with the same or greater abilities than I possess.
I referred to these people with abilities earlier as "Antennas", and I will continue to use the term. Antennas really come in three flavors, marked by the strength of their ability: weak Antennas, like me, are able to observe spontaneous interactions between our universe and other dimensions (phase shifts) when there is a strong force of collision like existed in the basement; moderate Antennas may see phase shifts occur at any point, and they usually are able to retain memories from across the different transformations; strong Antennas, and I don't know if they exist yet, but they are able to consciously interact with these other realms and cause phase shifts to occur.
I mentioned that moderate Antennas are able to retain memories from before and after a phase shift. Technically, all Antennas have this ability, but it's about degree. I can recall only very specific instances and without much detail. Moderates are usually able to pick out much more nuanced minutiae. At the lower end of moderate scale, most of those details fade or get fuzzy over time, but for the very strong Antennas, they hold onto almost everything. One other property that scales with strength is interaction with other conscious entities. Only a small percentage of moderates are able to do this. What's interesting is that these entities can possess (yes, like ghosts) people who aren't even antennas, but no one is aware of such possession at this deep of a level. I have several companions now, and only two have had interactions with these otherworldly beings. Not all of them are malevolent, some of them are whimsical or kind, but there are a fair share of demons out there.
Getting back to the point, Area X started as a government funded project in the 70's. At that time, they were focused on a few subjects: Artificial Intelligence, DNA sequencing, and psychedelics. Yes, they were part of the infamous LSD experiments. But they looked at these subjects through a common lens—there was something that the burgeoning tech industry, fueled by the advent of a commercial computer market, was missing. As the tech giants rose in the early 2000's and began to collect mass amounts of data, this other agency was decades ahead in a different metric, although it was completely (and still is) hidden from the public. Their efforts to understand psychedelic experiences led to a formalized method of understanding interactions between multiple realities. They built certain scanning equipment to detect anomalies like the one I found in the basement; although their tools were much more sophisticated and didn't utilize voltage readings. Then they ran tests in these areas. One area in particular is a hot-bed of phase shift interactions. That's where Area X is located (and the Receiver).
The Receiver is a giant electromagnetic orb that has trapped the kind of multi-dimensional energy that causes the phase shifts; since the Organization seized control of the lab, it's effectively become a map of the Earth in relation to these other worlds. For the past twenty or so years, the Organization has been studying this map, using the data big Tech companies have collected to essentially develop a Rosetta Stone for interpreting the meaning of the fluctuations in their scanning equipment. Recently, the public, though going the long way round, was actually pretty close to a breakthrough in this same department until recently when ultra-powerful LLMs surfaced, and the whole world began going down what I'd argue is the wrong rabbit hole of language processing. But I digress.
Area X is essentially a private military base built for defending the most impactful piece of technology ever invented. With the Receiver, the Organization now has the power to essentially predict any and all future outcomes, the only thing holding them back is the limitations of their own scanning equipment which will get better with time. To put it into perspective, the Organization has access to a kind of data allocation tool which in one day can produce over ten thousand times that the Big Data companies combined would be able to filter through in the next decade. You might think, then, that the problem is merely asymmetric power, and that is certainly a concern, but it isn't the main concern. The main issue is that this organization is actively recruiting (and kidnapping) Antennas from around the world in an effort to find or make one of them into a strong Antenna. In other words, they want a subject who is able not only to see the future, but to manipulate it at will.
balance to the world. I've been working on amassing resources, capital, and building my own team, and now I'm ready. You might ask why I'm posting this here. Wouldn't it be better to keep all this secret? Well, yes, it would be. But that's the problem. Nothing is secret anymore. They know about me and the others, and if I don't make a move, they will. In a way, this is a letter directly to the organization that I know, and I'm coming.
In a different way, I wanted to release this information to the public. There are lots of people out there waking up and realizing that the world they experience is not the one others experience. If you think you might be an Antenna, don't be afraid—you have a special gift that can be controlled. If you want more details on how to control it, or if you're interested in my mission, don't be afraid to reach out. This hasn't always been my life's work, but it is now.
At least until I die.

As the title says, I keep getting random crashes with "Exception C0000005 caught!" in the crashlog. I tried uninstalling NVHR and it solved the problem for a while, I already downloaded the last JIP beta in the xNVSE discord but it keeps happening and it appears to be random, because sometimes I can play like for an hour or longer but other times it crashes after five minutes or so, the last one happened fifteen minutes after I opened the game. Here is my loadorder:

1. FalloutNV.esm
2. DeadMoney.esm
3. HonestHearts.esm
4. OldWorldBlues.esm
5. LonesomeRoad.esm
6. GunRunnersArsenal.esm
7. Fallout3.esm
8. Anchorage.esm
9. ThePitt.esm
10. BrokenSteel.esm
11. PointLookout.esm
12. Zeta.esm
13. CaravanPack.esm
14. ClassicPack.esm
15. MercenaryPack.esm
16. TribalPack.esm
17. TaleOfTwoWastelands.esm
18. YUPTTW.esm
19. NavmeshOverhaul.esm
20. TTW Ultimate Invisible Wall Remover.esm
21. FO3_Optimization.esm
22. Main And Pause Menus Overhaul.esm
23. TweaksTTW.esm
24. Tale of Bi Wastelands.esm
25. TTW Reputations.esm
26. Tale of Bi Wastelands + TTW Reputations Patch.esm
27. TTW New Vegas Speech Checks.esm
28. TTW New Vegas Speech Checks - TTW Reputations Patch.esm
29. Tale of Bi Wastelands + TTW NV Speech Checks Patch.esm
30. Functional Post Game Ending.esm
31. Functional Post Game Ending - TTW Patch.esm
32. TLD_Travelers.esm
33. A Trail of Crumbs.esm
34. Regulators.esm
35. Uncut Wasteland.esp
36. Uncut Extra Collection.esp
37. Functional Post Game Ending - Uncut Wasteland And Extra Collection Patch.esm
38. AWorldOfPainFO3.esm
39. Sweet Pain.esm
40. A World of Pain Revised.esm
41. Sweet Pain NV.esm
42. MoreMojave.esm
43. Home and Safehouse Tweaks.esm
44. Home and Safehouse Tweaks - TTW Addon.esm
45. Lootable Statics.esm
46. zl_Armaments_Remastered.esm
47. Tammer's NIF-Bashed Weapons Mega-Pack.esm
48. [RWM]-Complete.esm
49. mil.esp
50. mil-TTWPlacements.esp
51. mil_Add-On.esp
52. Tactapack.esp
53. SD_Transporters.esp
54. Pl DOCTORS.esp
55. CFEE.esp
56. CFEE - TTW.esp
57. drgNV - Melissa Companion.esm
58. IFoundThoseWhoCare.esp
59. The Mod Configuration Menu.esp
60. TLD LVLI Total Overhaul.esp
61. TTW FaceGen Fix.esp
62. Vanilla UI Plus.esp
63. Power Armor Holo Panel.esp
64. PAHP_Edits.esp
65. PipBoyUITweaks.esp
66. ExRB-TTW.esp
67. FOVSlider.esp
68. ItemCards.esp
69. 3DGrenadeIndicator.esp
70. QuickSelect.esp
71. SimpleNightVision.esp
72. Immersive Minigames.esp
73. NVCollectiblesMerged.esp
74. TTWCollectiblesMerged.esp
75. [RWM]-Complete Added.esp
76. Casino Exchange All.esp
77. DelayDLCRedux.esp
78. Root 'n Loot.esp
79. JIP Companions Command & Control.esp
80. JustAssortedMods.esp
81. JBTImproved.esp
82. ImmersiveRecoil.esp
83. Reload Reloaded.esp
84. DynamicDetectionSystem.esp
85. TTWZetaRewards.esp
86. TTWTransportalponderEx.esp
87. Supplemental Ammo Crafting.esp
88. Benny Humbles You and Steals Your Stuff.esp
89. GRA Scavenger Hunt Unbalanced.esp
90. GUWR - TTW Patch.esp
91. DelayDLCReduxPOPP.esp
92. SP TTW Patch.esp
93. MoreMojave - FPGE Patch.esp
94. TTW No PipBoy Glove Equipping or Race Changes.esp
95. MigArmorDegen.esp
96. MigCrippled.esp
97. New Blood.esp
98. S6S Base Game Perks Redux.esp
99. S6S Base Game Perks Redux TTW Side.esp
100. S6S Perks.esp
101. Friends With Benefits Perk Pack.esp
102. Vegas Elysium.esp
103. ImmersiveSleepEncounters.esp
104. Unmissable Casino Rewards.esp
105. RAD.esp
106. New Blood TTW Patch.esp
107. Classic Fallout Weapons Remastered v1.2.esp
108. FNV+LR Flare Gun to 12Ga Flare Conversion.esp
109. Tammer's KNVSE Mega Patch.esp
110. Sweet Consumables.esp
111. Aid Addon.esp
112. Healing Systems.esp
113. Unfound Loot.esp
114. WeaponRequirementSystem.esp
115. B42Inertia.esp
116. PurchaseDisplay.esp
117. Quickthrow.esp
118. QuickthrowTweaks.esp
119. Simple Explosive Entry.esp
120. Simple Explosive Entry Tweaks (Easy Pete).esp
121. Forced Entry.esp
122. TTW Dialogue and Interactions Expansion Overhaul.esp
123. DIEO - Tale of Bi Wastelands Patch.esp
124. DIEO - AWOPFO3 Patch.esp
125. TTW A Tribe of Two.esp
126. DLC Followers All-In-One.esp
127. TiesThatBind.esp
128. CFEE - TTW Both ED-E Perks.esp
129. CFEE - No Companion Limit.esp
130. CFEE - DLC Companions AIO.esp
131. CCO - Ulysses Companion.esp
132. CFEE - Amanda TTW.esp
133. CFEE - Ties That Bind - Dad Expansion.esp
134. BennyReturns.esp
135. drgNV - Marcus Companion.esp
136. TheAIMerge.esp
137. IRNPC.esp
138. AintThatAScarInTheHead.esp
139. TTW Pitt Rot.esp
140. RadiationVisuals.esp
141. Impostors and LOD Flicker Fix.esp
142. NVMIM.esp
143. Enhanced Movement.esp
144. ArmedToTheTeethNV-Redux.esp
145. Titans of The New West.esp
146. STAR TTW 2.esp
147. More Perks v3.esp
148. Dead Money - Elijah's Rambling Last Words.esp
149. Dynamic Terrifying Presence.esp
150. Atmospheric Lighting Tweaks TTW.esp
151. Natural Interior.esp
152. DNWeathers.esp
153. Interior Rain.esp
154. Interior Rain - TTW.esp
155. CC - Rain.esp
156. CC - 3D Rain.esp
157. LOD additions and improvements - TTW Patch.esp
158. Viva New Vegas - LOD.esp
159. Diagonal movement.esp
160. S6S Big Guns Implementation.esp
161. SimpleHairs.esp
162. SimpleHairs - Color.esp
163. Mutant Eyes.esp

Here's the modlist:
+Character Kit Remake - Teeth
+Uncut Wasteland Extra Collection CKR Patch
+Uncut Wasteland CKR Patch
+Sweet Pain DC CKR Patch
+TTW A World of Pain for Fallout 3 CKR patch
+Transporters - Immersive Fast Travel CKR Patch
+The Living Desert CKR patch
+Sweet Pain NV CKR Patch
+AWOPR CKR Patch
+MoreMojave CKR Patch
+FPGE CKR Patch
+Character Kit Remake TTW Facegen
+Character Kit Remake
+JIP_LN_NVSE_Plugin
+Wasteland Eyes - Mutant Eyes Lite
+Mutant Eyes
+Female eyes clipping FIX
+Shotgun Buffs
+Dynamic Terrifying Presence NVSE
+NV Collectibles - Merged
+Dead Money - Elijah's Rambling Last Words
+Pre-War Money Retexture
+Natural eyes by zzjay
+Hair Patcher Two ESPLess
+Simple Hairs - New Vegas
+S6S Perks Patches
+S6S Perks and Tammer Weapon Pack Compatiblity Patch
+dree74 More Perks Upscaled (and Regular-ified Art pack)
+More Perks Reimagined
+S6S Big Guns Implementation
+TTW Extra Special Love Tester
+(Unbalanced - Overpowered) Sweet Perk Overhaul
+FO4-style SPECIAL plus Infinite Intense Training - ESPless
+NV Compatibility Skeleton
+Diagonal movement
+TTW LOD
+TTW Ain't That A Scar In The Head
+TTW Pitt Rot
+I Found Those Who Care - New Ending for Veronica (TTW)
+A Tiny Perk Styled Pack (an add on for JIP - CCC)
+JIP CCC Perk Styled Collection
+Perk Style CCC Icons Modded Companions
+Perk Styled CCC Icons
+Marcus Patch
+Ulysses Patch
+Benny Returns Patch
+Melissa Patch
+DLC Companions AIO Patch
+Ties That Bind - Dad Expansion
+Ties That Bind Patch
+No Companion Limit
+ED-E Both Perks
+CFEE - A Complete Companion Overhaul
+Marcus Companion
+Ulysses Companion Mod
+Benny Returns
+Melissa Lewis Companion
+DLC Companions - All-In-One
+Ties that Bind - TTW Conversion
+Ties that Bind - a narrative companion mod
+A Tribe of Two
+Armed to the Teeth - Redux
+STARS TOTNW Patch
+PAVE TOTNW PatchTitans of Steel Version
+Tesla Armor Mods x consistent pip-boy icons - Classic Tesla Armor Icons
+TTW Goodies
+Consistent Pip-Boy Icons v5 - Dynamicon
+Consistent Pip-Boy Icons v5 - Stats (and Some Perks)
+Consistent Pip-Boy Icons v5 - Reputation
+Consistent Pip-Boy Icons v5 - Addendumb
+Consistent Pip-Boy Icons v5 - Vault Girl Extension
+Consistent Pip-Boy Icons v5 - Extension
+Consistent Pip-Boy Icons v5 - DLC's Items
+Consistent Pip-Boy Icons v5 - Apparel
+Consistent Pip-Boy Icons v5 - Weapons
+Consistent Pip-Boy Icons v5 - Items
+3. CPI - Mod Patches
+1. Consistent Pip-boy Icons
+Map Marker Icons
+Pop-Up Message Icons
+Consistent Pip-Boy Icons v5 - Framework Plugin
+PipBoyOn Node Fixes
+STARS TTW - Sweet's Total Armor Rework System
+Classic Lightweight Leather Armor Replacer
+Classic Leather Armor Replacer for Leather Armor
+Salvaged Armor
+Modern Gunslinger Armor
+Bone Harvester - Tribal Cannibal
+Wasteland Stealth Armor NV
+The Road Warrior Armor
+Psycho Armor and Mask
+Metal Armor MkI
+WW2 M1 Helmets
+AKIRAMORI Tactical Gloves
+Altyn Helmet - Retro Tactical Headgear
+Wasteland Seeker Armor
+Geonox Riot Armor - Female Version -
+Geonox Riot Armor
+KORs Pistol Harness
+Fallout Tactics Brotherhood Metal Armor Integration
+Classic Tesla Armor
+Mercenary Wanderer
+Searchlight Firefighter Outfit
+Fallout Revelation Blues Mega Armor Pack
+Fallout The Odyssey Mega Armor Pack
+Arsthetiu's Armoire - A Nif-Bashed Armour Collection
+Classic Fallout Tesla armor
+DVA - Distributed Variety Armors - Hats Headgears Accessories
+Petal Gasmask
+Canvas Backpacks - FNV - TTW
+Waster Gear - TTW - FNV
+The Lone Wanderer - TTW and NV
+NCR Commando
+GP-5 Gasmask
+Courier Duster Replacer
+Ballistic Skull Mask
+Tribal Power Helmet - Definitive Edition
+Classic Combat Armor Replacer Combined (TTW)
+Classic Replacers for TTW
+Classic Combat Armor Replacer Redux
+Classic Fallout 2 combat armor Mark 2 (remastered)
+Classic Fallout 2 Metal armor Mk II
+Classic Fallout Metal Armor
+Veronica Outfit Replacer
+Unique Troublemaker Outfit-Nightstalker Set
+DogTooth Enclave Officer
+The BLACKJACK pack - Tons of armors for VANILLA bodys
+Power Armor Visual Enhancement (PAVE)
+Deus Specs
+Spice of Life
+Tammer's NIF-Bashed Armor Mega-Pack v4.2
+Book of Steel - Compatibility Edition
+nov 2011 book of steel
+Wasteland Soldier Redux NV
+Wasteland Soldier - NV Edition
+No PipBoy in Power Armor
+Simple Headshots
+SIDE - Simple Items Distributed Everywhere
+Immersive Recoil NPC
+Simple Explosive Entry Tweaks
+Simple Explosive Entry
+Immersive Sleeping Encounters
+Forced Entry
+Sweet Keywords
+Camping - ESPless
+Bottle the Water
+Unmissable Casino Rewards
+TTW Collectibles - Merged
+SMAC - Simple Melee Attack Canceling
+Simply Less Junk. esp-less
+Purchase Items on Display (xNVSE)
+Point Lookout Doctors TTW
+Movable Statics replaced with Lootable versions - ESPless
+Lootable Statics Compatibility Edition - Base Object Swapper
+Base Object Swapper
+Hardcore Forever
+Cookable Grenades
+Benny Fighting Chance
+B42 Quickthrow Perks
+B42 Quickthrow - an alternative grenade hotkey mod
+B42 Optics TTW Patches
+B42 Optics NV Patches
+Tactapack - B42 Optics Patch
+Classic Fallout Weapons Remastered B42 Optics Patch
+Another Millenia and Addon - B42 Optics Patch
+B42 Optics - ESPless
+Desert Natural Weathers - NV - TTW
+Climate Control - 3D Rain
+Climate Control - Rain
+3D Rain
+Interior Rain - TTW
+Interior Rain
+Longer Weather Transitions ESPless
+Natural Interiors
+Atmospheric Lighting Tweaks (Interior Lighting for FNV and TTW)
+Iron Sights Aligned - Mod Support
+Iron Sights Aligned
+Wasteland Warrior - A Melee Animation Overhaul
+Butcher Pete Complete - A Melee Animation Overhaul
+New Vegas Animation Overhaul Guns
+Anniversary Anim Pack
+B42 Weapon Inertia
+ISControl
+3rd Person Animation Fixpack
+VNV - LOD Patches
+LOD additions and improvements - TTW Patch
+Wasted LOD - Cliffs of DC
+LODIFY FNV Wall_SoGB Editon
+LODIFY - Level of detail improvement for your Fallout (TTW And NV Lods)
+Different LOD mods little tweaks and additions
+Wasted LOD - Cliffs of Mojave
+More LODs Additions and fixes
+TCM's LOD Overhaul
+Optional Overpasses
+FNV LOD Supplementation
+LOD additions and improvements
+Much Needed LOD fixed rocks color
+Much Needed LOD
+LOD Fixes and Improvements - NVSE
+Impostors and LOD Flicker Fix
+Mobile Pip-Boy Light - NVSE
+Mainframes Litter Flickering Fix
+Fallout 3 TTW Interior Optimization Project
+ExRB - Extended Roombounds
+Items Transformed - Enhanced Meshes (ITEM)
+Meshes and Collision - Totally Enhanced Nifs (MAC-TEN)
+New Vegas Mesh Improvement Mod - NVMIM
+Collision Meshes FNV
+Collision Meshes FO3
+TTW Ultimate Invisible Wall Remover
+Improved AI (Navmesh Overhaul Mod)
+Sweet Healing Systems
+Sweet Consumables
+ySI - Sorting Icons - S6S Aid Addon patch
+Aid Addon
+New Blood
+More Rads No Irradiated Lonesome Road
+RAD - Radiation (is) Actually Dangerous - Overhaul
+Unfound Loot - Harder core settings ini
+Unfound Loot
+Harder Barter Faster Stronger
+TOTNW One Hand Animations For Another Millenia plus Addon
+Titans of The New West
+Tactapack
+ZL Armaments Remastered
+KNVSE Animation Mega Patch for Tammer's Weapons
+Tammer's NIF-Bashed Weapons Mega-Pack v6.0
+SDS CFWR Patch
+Classic Fallout Weapons Remastered
+Another Millenia Gun Add-on
+Another Millenia - TTW Unique Placements
+Another Millenia
+DIEO - AWOPFO3 Patch
+DIEO - Tale of Bi Wastelands Patch
+TTW (D.I.E.O.) Dialogue and Interactions Expansion Overhaul
+GRA Unique Weapons Relocated - TTW Patch
+GRA Unique Weapons Relocated
+TTW The Regulators
+TTW A Trail of Crumbs
+Functional Post Game Ending - Uncut Wasteland And Extra Collection Patch
+Uncut Extra Collection
+Uncut Wasteland
+MoreMojave - FPGE Patch
+MoreMojave Terrain LOD
+MoreMojave
+Sweet Pain TTW
+Sweet Pain NV
+A World of (Less) Pain - A Lore Friendly AWOP Revision
+Sweet Pain DC
+TTW A World of Pain for Fallout 3
+The Living Desert Leveled List Overhaul
+The Living Desert - Travelers Patrols Consequences Increased Population and more
+Functional Post Game Ending
+B42 True Leaning - Custom INI
+B42 True Leaning - Contextual - ESPless
+Immersive Minigames
+Vegas Elysium Perk Pack
+Levelup Traits
+Friends With Benefits Perk Pack
+Sweet 6 Shooter Perks - TTW - NV
+Sweet Perk Overhaul
+NPCs Sprint kNVSE - ESPless
+Enhanced Movement INI
+Enhanced Movement
+Supplemental Ammo Crafting
+Sweet Dynamic Detection System
+Simple AI Merge
+Sweet's Configuration
+Weapon Jamming Tweaks - ESPless
+Reload Reloaded
+Immersive Recoil 2.0
+B42 FireMode - Selective Fire and First Shot Precision - ESPless
+Weapon Requirements System
+Real Weapon Mods 2 Rebalanced
+Real Weapon Mods 2
+Armor Damage Overhaul - Custom INI
+ADO - Armor Damage Overhaul
+Better Damage Multipliers
+Crippled Limb Reaction Enforcer
+Transporters - Fast Travel Alternative
+TTW Transportalponder Extended
+Home and Safehouse Tweaks INI File
+Home and Safehouse Tweaks
+JIP CCC HD icons
+JIP Companions Command and Control
+JAM - Custom INI
+Bullet Time Improved - a JAM addon
+Clean Just Assorted Mods (JAM)
+JAM - Just Assorted Mods
+Nail Gun Semi Auto Rework
+BHYSYS Custom INI
+(Benny Humbles You) and Steals Your Stuff
+Delay DLC Redux
+TTW - Mothership Zeta Rewards
+Charisma Tweaks (NVSE)
+Tale of Bi Wastelands TTW Patches for TTW Reputations and TTW New Vegas Speech Checks
+Tale of Bi Wastelands TTW
+TTW New Vegas Speech Checks - TTW Reputations Patch
+TTW New Vegas Speech Checks
+TTW Reputations
+TTW Merchant Supply Expansion
+Hardcore Perk Every Level
+Casino Exchange All
+Better Caravan
+Root 'n Loot TTW
+Tweaks for TTW Custom INI
+Tweaks for TTW
+ESP-less Tutorial Killer
+Simple Night Vision
+Radiation Visuals
+Drowning Visuals - ESPless
+Quick Select - A Zelda BOTW Style Quick Menu
+3D Grenade Indicator
+Item Cards Custom INI
+Item Cards
+Instant and Faster Pipboy (No Stutter)
+Pip-Boy UI Tweaks
+High Res Local Maps
+Simple Maps - TTW
+Clean Companion Wheel
+Vault Boy Paper Doll
+High Resolution Screens
+Vanilla Fonts Revisited
+MAPMO WSG Preset
+Extras - Stewie's Tweaks Sorting Icons Replacer
+Extras - Hi-Res Logos
+MAPMO - Main and Pause Menus Overhaul
+Recent Loot Log - ESPless
+B42 Notify - Corner Messages Overhaul - ESPless
+Clean Vanilla Hud
+Alternate Holographic Panel - No PipBoy in Power Armor
+Simple Power Armor HUD
+FOV Slider
+ySI Vanilla MiscQuest Items Patch
+ySI Sorting - Extended NV-TTW
+Sleep Wait Hardcore Needs
+Radiation Loadwheel
+Scum's Considerably Cute Corner Load Wheel
+Main Menu Redone - TTW
+ySI - Pick Up Prompts
+ySI - Colorful Icons Fix
+Colorful Inventory Ycons
+ySI - Sorting Ycons
+yUI - User Ynterface
+Vanilla UI Plus (New Vegas)
+The Mod Configuration Menu
+Vanilla Animations Weapon Scale Fix
+TTW Combat Shotgun HQ Reload Sounds
+TTW 32 Pistol Projectile Clipping Fix
+Tranquility Lane Pipboy Glove and Custom Race Fix
+Ranger Combat Helmets Clipping Fix
+NPCa - NPC Prevention of Chem addiction - ESPless
+MZ Holding Cells Fog Clip Distance Fix
+Money Fixer - ESPless
+Melee VATS Animation Restoration
+Laser Pistol 3rd Person Latch animation fix
+Gun Runners Kiosk Glass Fix
+Gauss Impact Fix - ESPless
+Freeside Neon Sign Fix
+Female Pipboy Aligned
+Viewmodel Shading Fix - NVSE
+MoonlightNVSE
+zlib Updated - NVSE
+Weapon Mod Description Fix (TTW)
+Viewmodel Shake Fix - NVSE
+Vent Lighting Fix
+Swimming Creatures Fix - ESPless
+Smooth True Iron Sights Camera
+Pip-Boy Shading Fix NVSE
+Muzzle Flash Light Fix - NVSE
+Mostly Fixed FaceGen Tints (NV or TTW)
+JIP Localized Damage Fix
+Improved Lighting Shaders
+High Resolution Water Fog - Water Aliasing Fix
+High Resolution Bloom NVSE
+Fog-based Object Culling
+Fallout Alpha Rendering Tweaks - NVSE
+External Emittance Fix - NVSE
+Equip and Movement Speed Fix - ESPless
+Depth of Field Fix - NVSE
+Consistent Spread - Firearms Accuracy and Wobble Fix
+Aqua Performa - Strip Performance Fix
+Cloud Upgrade NVSE
+Climate Control NVSE
+SUP NVSE
+AnhNVSE
+KEYWORDS
+UIO - User Interface Organizer
+ShowOff xNVSE Plugin
+Basic Console Autocomplete
+Console Paste Support
+Improved Console (NVSE)
+kNVSE Animation Plugin
+FNV Mod Limit Fix
+ActorCause Save Bloat Fix
+VATS Lag Fix
+Combat Lag Fix (NVSE)
+lStewieAl's Engine Optimizations
+Stewie Tweaks Custom INI
+Stewie Tweaks Essentials INI
+lStewieAl's Tweaks and Engine Fixes
+NVTF - INI Presets
+NVTF - New Vegas Tick Fix
+Yvile's Crash Logger
+JohnnyGuitar NVSE - INI Presets
+JohnnyGuitar NVSE
+JIP LN Custom INI
+JIP LN NVSE Plugin
+ROOGNVSE Plugin
+Tales of Two Wastelands

I have a ss (8) who has some behavior issues. My SO and I share a bio son (6) and I am so worried that these behaviors will rub off on him. My son had leukemia when he was 17 months old and was in treatment until 2021. He was very sheltered. SS came to live with us in 2022, and at first it was ok. It was good for bio son to have a child to be friends with. They have grown very close to one another. SS has been through some tough stuff. We put him into counseling right away when he came to live with us and he is still going weekly to this day. Right now we are on a waitlist to see a psychiatrist because his behaviors are getting worse. He is in trouble every single day at school. They had put him on a system early in the year where he gets points in every block of time. If he does well that school day he could earn 12 points. His goal is 9 points. He rarely makes his goal. He is in 2nd grade and doing things like leaving class to hang out in the bathroom with friends, stealing from his teacher, and outright refusing to do his school work. Like, he just says no. I ask him why does he think he can say no when all of the other students are required to do the work. His answer is that they choose to do the work and he chooses not to. It does not go well for him, he misses recess and then brings home anything he didn't do and we make him do it here. He purposefully and willfully breaks every rule at home and school. It is exhausting. He even did a muder for hire plot in the school year where he offered 2 other students money to murder schoolmate Norman. The school did not think that was cute and I had to be the one to apologize and work things out with school. He has hurt both of our dogs. We can not find a consequence that he cares about. I mean this kid just does not care and sometimes he will basically say so. I am growing more and more concerned. I am a SAHM, I want to be a stay at home mom so I can be there for my bio son. I do NOT want to put my son into daycare and I chose this so I could spend every possible moment with him. Now I am here with both kids. Which is what it is, I mean it makes sense since I am already at home, but HOLY CRAP this is becoming so much. I am on counseling too. I have been for years, since BS diagnosis. It isn't helping. I am getting mystery hives, random and excruciating stomach pains, tired beyond reason.
How can I help SS? We are a very consistent family. He has been living with us full time for over 2 years. Even his counselor has encouraged us to get in to see the psychiatrist because his behaviors are not balancing out. This is my 2nd post on here, I took my first one down because I felt like I wast explaining myself well. I guess I am looking for some encouragement or advice. Any stepparents out there who have successfully blended their families? How do other stepparents handle problematic sk's? What has worked for your families?

I would like to share my story about my journey, i don’t know where to post this but firstly i would like to say sorry if it wasn’t related to the purpose of this channel
First of all, first time i saw porn is at 4 grade elementary school my senior gave me the story about it in a very unque that drives me to explore those things at home. That behavior really stuck in me until right now.
Back then at 2019, i got a really beautifull girlfriend in my last high school. She is really cute and i really trust her very much and our relationship at first is going really well, for some reason she notice that i have somw kind of weird behavior such as watching porn and masturbate. At first, i thought she gonna be illfeel with my behavior but at that time she is researching the whole things about porn addiction and everything related to it.
She really taking care of my boredness, loneliness and also she backed up my university exam. So, i won’t get stressed out and do those bad things anymore, i just did not understand at around 2020 - 2021 my urge really high at that time and yeah you know what we always getting angry at each other and i guess she was tired because of the amount of time she spend for me didn’t work out really well and things just be more worse than ever before. The things i recently realised she wasn’t give up and she is really trying to call me every single day 24/7 just to make sure i didn’t do those bad things (btw we were in long distance relationship different nation)
I just realized one of the side effect of this bad behavior was, it won’t make us to feel enough about everything that we got and it always lead us to overreacting something. That is what i experience before. And yeah you know what after all the things she did to me i tried to cutt off her, late 2021 and early to mid 2022 we always argue something unreasonably and the things i regret the most till right now was at that time i was unable to control my emotion and everything i always said bad things about her and mocking her yelling her and she just cried and cried, at some moment that make me cried til right now is after the argument she cried to me and begging me to change and not to insulting her but i was an evil back then and i didn’t put attetion to her request.
After that long argument and yeah 2022 was my very lowest point of my life cauze my addiction really become uncontrollable, the moment that i really regreted the most is, i cheated her and yeah we got in a big argument, the weird things is she is trying to save our relationship but i was selfish and i just breaking up with her at maybe Sept/Octo 2024. That is was when my life become black out totally.
I really losing someone who is taking care of my addiction even my parents doesn’t give anything to encourage me to fight for this (at that time they know what is my problem but didn’t care much about it).
As you know, in 2023 nothing much has changed and i just becoming worse than ever before. I was becoming a lazy person, not doing a job welly, even for taking a bath or sleeping i was really lazy to do it. That year i the worse year ever in my life, trying to fix her but another girl but it turn out nothing.
Just a few days ago my friends telling me that she is already with another guy, i watched her bideo with her new boyfriend and she was smilling and yeah i’m feeling happy that she could get a boy that could make she happy and safe, but at the same time i was really sad that the one who make her smile isn’t me anymore, i’m not the reason she smile. Honestly speaking, at the moment i saw that video i was crying inside and yeah the feel of regret it beyond expectation especially for myself. I know that i couldn’t turn back the time when we are in Q3 2022 just to fixing things and i know that time always passing by, everything has a risk being with her or without her.
With this letter i just wanna say to you i’m really sorry for those year, every arguments, every things that comes out from my mouth or my finger that hurt your hearth very bad, i just wanna say i’m really sorry i really negging for your forgiveness. Thanks for suppoting me back then, from my hobbies to my university studies and to every life hacks you gave me. I hope you were happy ever after with your new bf.
I write this things down here just to share my experienced and the journey of myself to be out from this addiction, for those every girl or boy that has a person who supporting you badly to cure this behavior my suggestion was don’t waste that kind of person, maybe that was a person that god gave to you to make your journey easier. Be feel enough.
It okay i was late to realised everything rather than i didn’t. This letter it will be my commitment to continue my journey of Nofap day 0 starting from today and i will post again when i have already fulfill that 90 days of nofap.
Hope this could inspiring others and sorry for the grammer or vocabullary.
Lets be better!

Sorry it's so late this week. I'm an ex Seoul Dynasty player as well and I was a bit too busy so I kind of just listened to all for it and then got way too busy for a few days with work. Here's the loose translations for episode 5 of Overwatch University. Rush had to leave very early on due to Internet issues and Moon who was watching at the time volunteered to help as a lot of the talk was in regards to the Seoul vs Shanghai Rivalry anyways so having both POVs was insightful
Topic 1 Intros and Seoul Dynasty Season 1
Aid: Have you seen Overwatch University given you have been invited by NineK
Tobi: Not really. I've skimmed around and seen pieces of the Crusty interview and Moon interview.
Aid: We're going to go over Tobis lengthy career as we were both pros
NineK: Isn't it kind of disrespectful to Tobi for you to group him up with you?
Aid: I had a lot of talent I just got cursed with a shit Coach like you NineK right Tobi?
Tobi: True
Aid: See two instances of your failures
NineK: What does that make the people who won under me? You two must've been the problem.
Aid: (pulled up Seoul Dynasty s1 roster and Tobi just explains who all of them were) Honestly you guys didn't do amazing right?
Tobi: No we were bad we went 7-3, 7-3, 5-5, and then 3-7. Just mid
NineK: Did you feel in preseason scrims you were in trouble?
Tobi: No I didn't we did very well even in the preseason games we won everything.
Rush: There any problems we didn't know about you can tell us?
Tobi: I can tell all the potential members we could've had though. Carpe, Fury, Gesture, Jjonak
NineK: Wow you started and ended with Seoul now that I think about it.
Aid: So we heard lots of rumors about Seoul but I heard you had unique member rotations where only allowing certain players for certain stages?
Tobi: If I'm clarifying a bit the split rosters was more of a season 2 decision with an A team and B team where eventually the roster mixed together. Biggest issue was the coaches couldn't agree. So sometimes they would just take turns like coach A gets to decide today then coach B gets to decide what to do and then coach c.
NineK: I heard you basically did that with a new coach per stage.
Rush: Who was your head coach?
Tobi: 4 coaches + extras
Aid: How did you decide who played what?
Tobi: Honestly the meta was so hard locked at the time the biggest issue was the coaches disagreed how we should play and it was very confusing how we should do it. We basically went back and forth with a coach of the day deciding what we did.
NineK: Too many games too. That's how Shanghai went 0-40 cause there was way too much. Not to mention no one wanted to scrim them cause it's not like you wanted to be their first victory either.
Tobi: We scrimmed them a bit
NineK: Wow you're nice people.
Tobi: They've invited us over at times and made food for us too.
Rush: Yeah there's pictures of it.
NineK: Cause of the Korean members?
Tobi: No this was way before that
NineK: Wow so kind. Isn't it cause your results weren't good either?
Tobi: Uhhh... Where were you in season 1?
NineK: I came in late. Stage 3. Season 1 was fun though
Aid: Honestly getting dragged back and forth by your coaches must be stressful. As a player there has got to be times when you do something one way and think to yourself why the heck does he want me to do it this way instead
NineK: Also they'd probably never had that many members to work with either since they just added players to Lunatic Hai
Tobi: True. We had 11 starting members and then acquired Gambler when I was having wrist issues. Then we lost another member and went back to 11. I truly believe having 12 members was so pointless
NineK: I agree like it's good if you can make it work but if you don't it just makes people feel awful. I don't know why people insisted so much on large rosters.
Tobi: Lots of people lots of possibilities I guess?
Rush: Also this is when OWL wanted to copy traditional sports so they got a bunch of players on their rosters
Tobi: They did invest more in OWL back then
NineK: They were really the team designed to win everything weren't they?
Rush: I remember an article saying they had an 80% chance of winning
NineK: People don't get how hard this time was cause of the random Mercy meta. Honestly probably wouldn't have been this bad for Seoul if patches came out like they do now
Tobi: Meta was unfavorable sure but we just played poorly to be honest
NineK: Wow so honest very cool
Topic 2: Ryujekong
Aid: Everyone was so confused by Ryujehong on Tank I want to hear what happened
Tobi: Honestly it's been so long I don't remember this time very well. I also wasn't even scrimming or playing at the time because of my wrist. I was basically just going to the doctor. We had kuki who for reasons was having troubles so he stopped playing and then Miro was having a lot of struggles at the time as well with how the meta was playing. It's mostly because of the comms cause obviously Miro had better mechanics Jehong sucks at primaling too but he would take space well and call out commands for the team to help
Aid: How did your scrims go?
Tobi: I don't remember
NineK: He can't help but not remember there were only scrims allowed at the practice facilities at the time and kids that were ill like him straight up just didn't even go. There were set times
Aid: So this isn't Jehongs main position and he was forced to tank must have been hard.
NineK & Rush: Must be
Tobi: It absolutely was. Imagine how sorry he felt to Miro. He was a support replacing Miro. If he fails not only does he get ridiculed for it but people slander Miro for being replaced by a tank of this caliber he felt very burdened feeling sorry that Miro might get insulted more than he did
NineK: I remember at the time a lot of people said Jehong had a bad Zenyatta as well but I thought it was good
Aid: Yeah I don't really see how he was particularly bad
NineK: Honestly the way things were he was probably just getting compared to Jjonak who was a beast at the time. The flame for Jehong was insane at the time
Aid: I remember his team would just hyper pocket Jjonak and have him just frag. NYXL were so defensive and good at pocketing.
NineK: In another way of seeing things that playstyle not being meta anymore might be why NYXL couldn't hack it in finals.
(Watching VOD of Seoul vs London)
NineK: Damn Munchkin fucking sucked at Tracer
Rush: Wait why is Fleta playing Widow?
Tobi: He was really good at Widow
NineK: He was
Rush: Then what is Munchkin good at
NineK: Just Cassidy Soldier. But Widow was so broken back then
Aid: Monkey could never catch her cause of her grapple cooldown
NineK: Nearly all the monkeys sucked at primal dribbling too. If a Mercy pocketed her she never died either. Who was good then again? Carpe...
Tobi: Linkzr Surefour Pine
Aid: Wow such names from my memories
NineK: Gesture Fury were way too good at Monkey D.va. Honestly there's so much shit about London I wanna expose
Aid: Bring Profit
NineK: I'll get Rascal easily. Wow Bdosin looks so young here what the he'll.
Topic 3: End of Season 2 VOD of Jehong Tobi Crying Post Elimination to Spark
Aid: I didn't know this happened at the time but NineK mentioned this happened can you explain?
Tobi: At the time role lock got forced and doomfist hanzo reaper were good. At the time we were kind of really good in scrims but lost to a team in tournament we never lost too in scrims. Jehong was already out there crying and I didn't want to come out and Danny kept forcing me to come out even though I said I didn't want too. But I was afraid the broadcast would get delayed or ruined cause of me so I was forced to.
Ninek: At the time we were preparing for our game up right after them but our GM was so fuxking angry at the time like how could you force them to do this right after they lost he complained a lot to Blizzard. Cause just imagine, thank God you brought out two veterans and media trained players. Imagine if you brought out complete noobies if it was this hard for these 2 veterans imagine what they might let slip on a broadcast when emotions are this high. This is also right after their season ended and they were officially eliminated.
Rush: From Blizzards POV these 2 were icons of the game and they probably felt like they could really show the importance and feelings toward this game to the audience watching
NineK: But like RIGHT after they lost is insane to me. Like let them process instead of fucking ambushing them as they're coming down from the stage.
Rush: But it's important cause this is when they're at the peak of the emotions being felt so I get it.
NineK: There's actually so many players who went down that stage to the hallways down crying
Aid: Of course they work hard and it didn't work.
Tobi: When we scrimmed we only lost to 1 team ever. Shock. We beat Vancouver NYXL Spark everyone else.
NineK: Wow so strong
Tobi: But in the end we just lost to Spark
NineK: I can say this now but we scrimmed Hangzhou a lot at this time. They didn't have a coach we were their coaches. Literally they would scrim us and copy us the next day in games. Since GOATs they basically decided they couldn't beat us so they copied our opening strats positioning skill usage everything. That's why they did decent
Aid: So Seoul lost cause of you
Tobi: We regretted a lot because of some of our microplays. There was a thing when double shield was first happening where Moria sprays her heals on the tanks right? The enemy Sigmas could shoot their shield out behind the Orisa to block the heals. And we thought this was possible but went and said it wasn't going to be a difference maker and ignored it
NineK: Wait we were doing that since day 1 lol
Tobi: We lost to Spark because of that. We felt awful cause this is something we thought could happen but ignored. At the time Marvel was our Sigma and Michelle who was a traditional offtank was forced on Orisa. We had Fissure who was good at Orisa who retired so we had no Orisas.
Aid: Timings always been off for Seoul I guess
NineK: No wonder you felt so many emotions. I was so sad seeing this. Seoul was honestly so good in season 2 but always somehow was just one step short. It hurt my heart to see them.
Aid: Players don't like to cry like that so they have to have been feeling so much to cry like this
Topic 4: Seoul vs Shanghai
Aid: We had Moon and he said some stuff on this we were all in the West and we would just see the results but this May Melee where you were up 3-0 and got reverse swept... your stories about this?
Tobi: We didn't get ahead of ourselves Shanghai was always good at Gibraltr and we thought we would lose this map but win the rest for a 4-1. I'm not sure how we lost Busan though
Tobi: We won a lot with our double shield
Rush: Fearless wasn't supposed to play
Aid: Fearless told me at the time he didn't get to scrim even once and then came in and won everything
NineK: Wow
Aid: Yeah no scrims at all
NineK: Wait Tobi why us Bdosin on Brig and you on Baptiste?
Tobi: I played the Baptiste for Seoul at the time cause Bdosin fucking sucked at Bap. This mother fucker could never use his abilities properly. He must've gotten sick in the head watching Viol2t play or something cause whenever he had cooldowns he would be on some high ground alone shooting and scream "Aghhh" and die off on his own
NineK: I remember now it wasn't super locked who played what because no one had Briggitte experience at the time
Tobi: Also if this happened there would be cases where in double shield mirror your Brig had to swap to Zenyatta but at the time Gesture had too many complaints about coordinating his pulls with Bdosin
NineK: I have no idea how Seoul lost this right now
Tobi: There's no absolutes in Overwatch. But the only thing I remember is our loss in Junkertown
Aid: For Kings Row I remember the Felta carry with Widow this was probably in all of those OWL top 5 highlights. I still can't believe how far Shnghai got in Junkertown though
NineK: Wow even Fearless is playing Orisa here
Tobi: That's why we thought we would win here. It's such a double tank focused map. Fits was randomly flanked high on the left and I td him to get down but he died on our A defense.
NineK: Wow you guys got out ult cycled like crazy
Rush: The Torbjorn choice here leaves a lot to be desired
NineK: I agree
Aid: So then there is that little celebration Shanghai did how did you feel
Tobi: Can I curse?
NineK: Seoul is just so ugh... like back in season 2 they beat New York during GOATs who was supposed to be top 2 but Seould couldn't take those next steps to greatness here as well. There are those super important games that once you win you just go on a roll and Seoul never got to do it
Tobi: I really hated losing to Shanghai cause I could've been on the team.
NineK: Really?
Tobi: Yeah I received offers from them on 3 separate occasions but ended up choosing Seoul. I wanted to believe I made the right choice so I wanted to win
Topic 5: Tobi Happy. Season 3
Aid: There's this gif of you happy after a win
NineK: It's so funny you took your glasses off before cheering
Tobi: At the time we lost to Shanghai so often but then finally beat them
NineK: The thing is Seoul was lucky cause they actually shouldn't have been in the season 3 finals originally.
Rush: Washington was the biggest offender
NineK: Off memory it felt like a "everyone suffered because of COVID so everyone gets a chance" thing
Tobi: But the thing to note is we did well in the West before we were forced to go to Korea and beat Glads and Valiant. We won like all of our scrims at the time.
NineK: Fine I'll give you that
Rush: Seoul was honestly really good during the online era
Aid: What did you think of the Hog meta?
Tobi: I was a huge doubter. Like at the time it was Zarya Hog or Sigma Hog. It just had none of the fundamentals of Overwatch I was used to seeing. I just couldn't believe it.
NineK: Tobis a purist "where do you come from thinking Hog could ever be a main tank"
Tobi: His ability to take space was unreal at the time. But Gesture was really into it and Wizardhyeong pushed for it
Aid: Gesture was a really good Hog though
NineK: All the guys there had good Hogs. Gesture Super Smurf Fearless were all good at it
Rush: But Shanghai didn't play it
NineK: I don't know Shanghais reasoning but I know Shock played how they did cause Viol2t fucking sucked at Ana lol. The thing is he did win with it but his scrim results as Ana was terrible
Rush: Viol2t Ana is known in the community as weaker though
NineK: But he doesn't think so
Tobi: I heard it got to the point where Crusty said he would do better if he played than Viol2t
NineK: That's why Architect played it for a bit. They had Twilight but I have no idea why they didn't use him more. I don't know how much I should say when there's no Shock rep from the time here but as far as I Know Super wasn't supposed to play. Smurf was but he didn't fit with his playstyle and the team well enough at the time
Tobi: If I have to point out regrets in the Shock game it was not using Zenyatta on Busan
NineK: But shouldn't you playing something other than the Ashe?
Tobi: No this was when Ashe was super broken and Profit was really good at her
Aid: The more I see it the more I really feel regrets about Seouls performances
NineK: That's what I've been saying Seoul was almost never bad and had huge upside a lot for different points in time. Honestly they're Asia's Philly Fusion
Tobi: You know how it is NineK if one thing changed with your Hotba strategy or Rascal not waking the monkey
NineK: I had a team with Tobi and Carpe and caught the 2nd place curse
Tobi: Woah why are you blaming me I've won plenty.
NineK: I did too before meeting you guys
Tobi: Then it's Carpes fault
NineK: I guess it is lol
Aid: At this point we need to have Carpe on to defend himself
NineK: We're going to go watch his games this Saturday
Tobi: The Hollwood bug pissed me off too
(Vod review where Tobi popped Valkyrie in spawn and the D.va bomb from Choi killed Tobi in the respawn room) this and Viol2t living at 1 health
Aid: Wow you guys are just destined to not win that day
Tobi: It was everything against us honestly
NineK: Honestly in the regular Hog comps Seoul and Dhock were about even but Seoul couldn't beat Shocks Hog and Ball Comp
Tobi: I actually wanted to go Numbani here instead of Hollywood
NineK: I remember at this time Choihyobin was getting gapped by Hanbin a bit and all of us joked his time was over and Hanbin would replace him as the new offtank goat
NineK: I remember at this time Shock felt Bdosin was scarier. They took more maps with him. Even though they defended better with Creative
Tobi: I think at the time he wasn't getting too much scrim time so he just said to let Creative play
Topic 6 Coach Tobi
Aid: You came back after being a player for Fusion to being Head Coach of Seoul Dynasty how was that for you?
Tobi: I kind of just stopped feeling the desire to compete like "I definitely can still compete mechanically but guess it might just not work out from here"
Tobi: Was worried that newer players he hadn't yet played with wouldn't follow his leadership well
Aid: So who was the player who least listened to you
Tobi: Everyone below me followed very well
Aid: So did you work well with the other coaches given it was mentioned there were previously conflicting visions?
Tobi: Oh these people were later coaches and we had very good talks together and worked well together
NineK: Since we wanna wait for our other guest when we talk about the next topic let's move on and talk about our time together in Fusion
Tobi: There were a lot of regrets weren't there?
NineK: The biggest problem for me was I didn't know we would be playing in Korea when I made the roster and heard it from someone from another team.
NineK: I felt sorry to Carpe for that. He's like Seoul where certain key moments not working out it feels like de-railed everything for him.
Aid: What did you think when you joined and first got to know NineK?
Tobi: When I joined I did so because I heard so much good stuff about him. Like he just knows a lot about Overwatch so I was curious about him and learned a lot. There's Crusty NineK Moon and Rush that are the coaches that are very well talked about that I was curious about. I got to meet NineK and Wow I'd never believed someone could get so angry over this game he would slam on the desk yelling while coaching. But the thing was while doing that he would always be right about what he's saying
Topic 7: Moon Joins
(Moon joins the podcast because Rush was lagging out)
NineK: So is it true you sent offers to Tobi
Moon: I guess I should say hi first. My name is Coach Moon who tried to get Tobi every year but failed.
NineK: I tried that with Fury
Aid: Is one of the reasons you wanted to beat Seoul no matter what because you didn't get to recruit Tobi?
Moon: No actually around that time I got in a lot of trouble with my wife. She said I talked to Tobi more than her. This was before we signed LeeJaeGon
Tobi: In 2020 season Shanghai actually had a lot of players I wanted to play with. Fleta Lip and such. As well as just giving a better offer out right.
NineK: Void too.
Tobi: Yeah always keeps contact with him too. But I really wanted to run it back with Ryujehong one last time because of the regrets of our last 2 seasons together to redeem ourselves. But he ended up choosing Vancouver and as I ended up wanting to go to Shanghai instead, they ended up already getting LeeJaeGon instead
Aid: Man the timing has just never worked out for Tobi
NineK: When he was on Fusion with me he used to always joke "damn if I was on Shanghai at least I could've been winning while benched"
Moon: So at the time LeeJaeGon and Tobi were my first choices but LJG told me he didn't want to join because he wanted to go to Mayhem with other Runaway members and then Tobi was looking at Seoul so I almost ended up with no one. But eventually LeeJaeGon chose us and tobi reached out the day after that.
NineK: So you regret not getting Tobi?
Moon: I mean you can't argue this given our results...
Tobi: They did so well
NineK: Tobi would've made the team fun for you though. That season was really bad for us but we had a lot of fun
Topic 8: Seoul vs Shanghai KickOff Clash
Aid: It looked like Seoul was happier beating Shanghai in winners finals than beating Philly in finals
Moon: The thing was the situation was so terrible for us at this time. We were quarantined with nothing.
Tobi: This team was the one we wanted to beat more than anyone else. It's why Profit was crying at the end of it all.
Moon: I will say their strats against us were very good they deserved the win regardless of what circumstances we had
Tobi: This gave me PTSD cause there was a moment when we were reverse swept in May Melee where Bdosin got pulsed with Rally. I told Vindsim no matter what to hold your shield up when he has it and in this one moment in the VOD he got stuck by fleta but thankfully Profit clutched
NineK: I will say when we got to the Hawaii LAN Shock picked you guys at Shanghai and I'll just say I didn't want to pick you.
Aid: Ahh it was the eternal rivals (implying Crusty chose Shanghai for revenge)
Moon: This time was really tough for us and we had a bunch of retirements after this. I think we thought more about what we would get to eat the next day or when we would be able to go to a Koreatown for the food we missed
NineK: It was so long
Moon: Honestly it was the hardest times for us.
NineK: It was really tough for us as well lockdown was so long.
Moon: I honestly don't want to hear lockdown complaints from anyone around me. If we were offline and I told you our horror stories everyone here would cry.
NineK: I mean everyone suffered but this sounds like military stories lol. Like everyone thinks they had it the hardest. Anyways Tobi tell us how you did things that led to that win.
Tobi: So you know there are things a lot of us say behind the scenes about coaches right? Like this guy is more of just a caretaker or this guy is more just strategies but I really wanted to be the coach who wouldn't have players feel bad I was their Coach. It's why I asked for a lot of help from previous coaches I worked under. I wanted all of my least favorite aspects of coaches I've seen in the past to not be things my players go through I let them all speak casually to me so they wouldn't be uncomfortable with me
NineK: Moon has the opposite take. He said his players can never act chummy with him and will always refer to him as coach
Tobi: My feelings were that I had previously worked with a lot of these players in the past so it feels okay
(VOD shows Seoul winning Kick off Clash 4-0 over Philly Fusion
NineK: Oh Carpes expression came out (literally half covered in shadows)
Aid: I didn't want to become a useless coach. Every explayer wants to be the opposite of the coaches they hated
Tobi: When I first won I was so happy to finally get a star under the Seoul Dynasty banner for Gen G.
NineK: I thought at the time though "all that for a stage win?"
Aid: We were like Wow they really are happy for a stage win
Moon: Well it was their first win of course they're happy and they beat us to do it
NineK: As coaches we can tell whether they just got lucky or actually were prepared. Poor Carpe though
Topic 9: Q & A
Aid: If you became a coach again and had to form a team which players would you want?
Moon: Wait but isn't the answer for those year very obvious?
Tobi: Yeah just erase Moons name and put me in
NineK: Then mix and match a bit
Tobi: Smurf Stalk3r Lip Chorong seems very good and then Shu
NineK: That's basically Crazy Raccoons. I'll just say this is cause he doesn't watch it
Tobi: I watched all the big games actuall
Moon: If he was really keeping up with the scene wouldn't he have picked Donghak?
Aid: If Gen G or T1 asked you to coach or team up with Ryujehong again for OWCS?
Tobi: I already got an offer to play with them and said no
Aid: Oh really why?
Tobi: Cause I knew what would happen lol. The kids nowadays level of play is so high
NineK: Just for fun I guess
Tobi: Well yeah if I streamed it and stuff sure but the team even with me or without wouldn't have done well
Moon: Honestly the player gap between the experienced old guard and the new is high right now but you'd hope it would get closer by next year
NineK: More than player gaps I'd rather be worried about the coaching level. It's really just Moon Crusty Rush again. Tobi isn't coaching anymore either... so tobi this is to say coach again please.
Tobi: I did get an offer but the timing didn't work out.
Aid: Always the timing
Tobi: Before Falcons formed I think it could've worked but Smurf was gone and all the teams were formed and then I got the call and was a decent offer. But the timing was bad.
Moon: Where the players weren't available anymore. But just swipe them from their teams
Tobi: But I didn't wanna steal players with offers of contracts
Moon: Why not?
NineK: The difference between a dirty person and clean person
Moon: But the thing is they don't have contracts
NineK: Yeah wait they definitely would want money
Moon: That's my point he could've offered stability to more players in the scene
NineK: Then you are at fault Tobi
Tobi: There was a condition though. The org really wanted to win and asked if I could form a team to win.
Moon: Oh that would be hard (smiling in Crazy Raccoons)
NineK & Aid: (dies of laughter at the humble brag)
Moon: I did work really hard to swipe the good players.
NineK: Was it a foreign org?
Tobi: Yeah it was
Moon: I wish more teams came into the space
NineK: If tobi even at least coached Genesis they would've been better
Tobi: I did get that offer but said no
NineK: Didn't want to work for bottom feeder teams?
Tobi: Well I wasn't close with any of the players either
NineK: You shouldve just gone to orga offering up super teams and swiped like Moon did.
Moon: I just had a skeleton crew formed and did mine
NineK: Whatever it was it's just kind of sad Tobi isn't coaching actively right now is all
NineK: I like this question. If Coach Tobi could speak to player Tobi of the past what would you say to them?
Tobi: Probably to be sure of yourself and confident in your play and your decision. I used to basically fly to whoever screamed for help no matter who was in a bad position trying to help. I definitely learned afterwards and worked really hard to improve my Mercy
NineK: I remember at that time Yobi worked really hard to improve his Mercy and it was really good I agree. It's sad to hear given how things went for Seoul but it is a cool answer
Aid: ProFits from friend POV to players POV
Tobi: Profit whether as a friend or player was a great and reliable friend. Fits was the hassle
Aid: How so?
Tobi: Never listening always whining just a big baby. Cute little brother while Profit was a reliable friend
(Just chatting while looking for interesting questions)
Moon: I'm saying this now but Shanghai starting at 0-40 we worked so hard to hit that 40-40 and it took so long. We won so much and still took a while
NineK: A fun thing to ask whenever we have an ex-player is have they ever felt like watching a scrim they would do better?
Tobi: I have scrimmed actually. Vindaim was ill and in the hospital so I played. We won.
Ninek: You say yes to this question if you win the scrims if you lost you would say it didn't happen
Tobi: True
Tobi: Here's one about Seoul I like. Why did you when you had LeeSooMin and Krillin make Krillin a main support? The answer is Krillin said during Washington he got to try a bunch of heroes and LeeSooMin was pretty decent at Kirik at the time. I had worked one year with Vindaim and it was good for us so I hoped for the same to happen. The initial meta was good for us too until we hit the Sombra meta
NineK: I think the only ones happy to hit the Sombra meta was Atlanta
Moon: (struggling to find a good question when smurf comments in chat) Yo Smurf don't you need to go practice right now?
Moon: Sorry that was a joke
NineK: Oh I like that one
Tobi: So there's a question about our 2023 roster and I wanted to talk about it. Right after 2022 going into 2023 was to keep Smurf Profit then get Lip who was receiving some offers at the time keep Vindaim and get Twilight. This would've been my personal choice if I had the money to form my team but everyone ran out of money. I even had back ups for everyone but like Bernar planned but everything fell through
Moon: Do you regret picking up Void?
Tobi: No I don't
NineK: What about losing to former players of yours and stuff?
Moon: Want me to call Void and ask him what it felt like losing to the Fleta Tank?
NineK: Oh my god that sounds so good
Tobi: I think he's working right now
Moon: Oh that's right he would be working right now
NineK: Man I'm so curious. I hate losing to my former players
NineK: Wanted to know if back in OW1 you had a team fully built around you who would it be and would you win?
Tobi: Honestly looking at my history I'm kind of bad at forming teams lol. Honestly I could've been on NYXL in season 1 as well.
NineK: Wow.
Moon: I can say one thing. I've literally walked to his house before. He thought a lot about it. Like I didn't think it should be this hard a decision when I was so convincing.
Tobi: I just really wanted to run it back with Jehong one last time and Fearless wasn't in the planned roster at the time either.
Moon: True it was very early on in the team formation
Tobi: Yeah it's regrettable isn't it?
NineK: Tobi does make bad choices that's why he joined Fusion under me
Tobi: Timing worked for that time period though
NineK: Alright back to the question make your super team only caveat is you can't change them and have to run them seasons 1 through 6
Tobi: To be happily teamed with them Carpe Profit Gesture Fury...
NineK: Wait a second Ryujehong isn't being brought up
Tobi: We are excluding him from this but honestly there's way too many good flex supports so I don't know. Shu was really good but Viol2t is also nah just Shu.
NineK: Shu is fun and good.
Tobi: He's good at like everything. Even since season 2 when I'd play Mercy he would shoot me so much more than everyone else as Ana
NineK: When you went game 5 against MightyAOD any players that stood out to you?
Tobi: Did we go game 5 against MightyAOD? I genuinely can't remember the Lunatic Hai games that well outside of just like finals games anymore. I'm sorry but it's been years.
Moon: Ooh how did you feel about Prophet being on your team and then once he was dropped and went to 02Blast losing to him?
Tobi: He was good but the thing is whatever we put him on just didn't fit with how the team played and the Sombra meta was at its peak as well. We were tired and he was tired cause it just wasn't the best fit for either of us. I wanted him to keep doing well so I could be confident it was just a mismatch and that my scouting ability was still good. But then the meta swapped to like Widow Hanzo.
Moon: Oh wait so once again it's a choice Tobi made he regrets...
Tobi: Well no technically in the last game versus them we did win to be fair. Honestly though when he did win damn I felt low key a little bit upset/betrayed
NineK: Did you see him do the X on the Dynasty symbol spray?
Tobi: I didn't mind that all the players do that
NineK: Hears something funny for Moon to answer. " I heard Lip purposefully made sure not to wear the Fusion skins for Asia Finals is it true"
Moon: I specifically checked his PC to make sure he wasn't wearing it "Are you wearing a Fusion skin or not? Yes or no."
NineK: Wow you check their PCs?
Moon: Yeah I made sure none of them wore Fusion skins for Asia Finals
Tobi: Carpe might need to come on here at this point
Moon: I don't believe in jinxes like this but my players do so I did it just so they don't have to think for a second there is some Fusion curse that will make them lose
Tobi: Like you don't want unnecessary factors creeping into their minds
Moon: Exactly
NineK: Did you have any of those jinxes or lucky charms as a player?
Tobi: During Lunatic Hai I would on game days only eat noodle dishes and then we would win. I'd wear the same pair of socks for all the big games as well. But then I went to the League and kept losing and none of that stuff applied anymore
Moon: Yeah I don't believe in it as a supernatural force but whatever makes people more confident the better
(Randomly scrolling for questions)
Moon: I really did wanna try coaching Dynasty once.
Tobi: Why?
Moon: You know as a Korean it was kind of sad seeing the Korean team under perform I wanted to go there after my contract with Shanghai ended and try to get them a big win
Tobi: I see
Moon: Now that I'm thinking about it I never got an offer from Seoul ever
NineK: Really? I think I got an offer from Seoul basically every year since 2019
Moon: Oh one thing I really wanted to ask was how you beat the Infernal (Dynasty vs Infernal early 2023 when Infernal scrimbux was way better than everyone else)
Tobi: Oh that? They just played poorly.
Moon: I was so curious cause they were supposed to be so good
Tobi: Yeah they must have been nervous or something we didn't win cause we were better they were just worse that day.
NineK: When Tobi first joined Fusion he actually beat Dynasty and was so happy about it. He was such a good player to have he was on the bench for quite a while initially but kept his mental up and was a very good teammate for us.
Final Words
Tobi: I'm not actually retired from coaching. I still keep up with the League and love the game. I hope Overwatch keeps growing and I want everyone to know I'm not gone just yet. If there's a chance I'm ready whenever
NineK: Honestly I will say a lot of Overwatch kids have this issue not just Tobi where they hope opportunity will fall on their laps.
Tobi: I'll agree. It was my first time doing this stuff and I had no idea what the scene was going to be like.
Moon: I was very proactive and quick about it for sure
NineK: Do you have any team you'd like to join? Quickly before we end the podcast appeal to Moon for a job
Tobi: Well if you just give me the call I'm ready
Moon: Well one thing I will note when Tobi was talking about coaches he asked for advice on being a coach he didn't contact me at all? Even though we talked for hours?
Tobi: I only contacted the people I actually worked under. I didn't want to bother everyone with my questions. It's not like I could expect other coaches that don't know me as well would divulge their secrets
Moon: I would've. I think it would have been very cool if you asked for my help
Tobi: Well to be fair before you joined I did say Crusty NineK Moon and Rush were the coaches I really wanted to try working with
NineK: It's not too late Tobi he's here now
Aid: Anyways final thoughts from you Tobi?
Tobi: It's been a while since I got to see fans of Overwatch and sit down with fellow coaches. I hope you all keep supporting Overwatch University and myself in the future.
NineK and Aid: Thank you to Moon as well for helping us last minute.
Moon: It's no problem I saw Tobis face and wanted to join right away.

I am 22 M asian, first generation student attending a community college planning to transfer. My relationship with my mom has been horrible. I have been mentally abused by her for years and I will never able to change her mind. I did not take proper prep classes back in high school so when I started going to college I had to learn things from the beginning and had to learn how to study and taking advantage of resources. Bare in mind both of my parents has only been to middle school. I had absolutely no help, other than getting yelled at and looked down upon.
She would threaten to kill herself in a car crash if i did not transfer to a good uni or pass classes because "I wasn't doing it fast enough like the others" or "this guy who got accepted to berkley and has better grades than you" and the guy she's comparing me to, used to be my childhood friend who used us to get into the usa, lived here, we gave him food, drove him to college, and he never said thank you or showed appreciation and just dipped and only calls me if he needs something, but i have already deleted him from everywhere and he doesnt live here anymore. He is the worst friend I have ever had, he never want to learn to play any games, he just wants to cheat when he gets owned, and bro thinks i actually agree with him on this one. I fucking hate cheaters. He and his friend group back in his country would all cheat.
I have failed classes before and she would make me not able to sleep by talking down on me until 5AM when it's finals week and I am already stressed by her and myself. and trust me when i say i am barely going into the details of what she has said to me. Just imagine every single thing you should never tell your child and up that by 50x.
I have focused my entire 4 years tried my best to get an AS degree computer science and I did, with 3.37 ish gpa, horrible in her eyes of course. I took so much classes because she wanted me to "hurry up" so i would suffer grades with the amount of classes I had to take, and extra classes because she needs me to go to a good uni to transfer, so i have to meet a bunch of uc's different requirements and hell, computer science transfers these days have upped their requirements by a whole lot, equaling more classes that i technically dont need to increase my chances to get into more ucs, which also fucked up my grades.
I was so happy to even pass thru calculus 1-3 with Bs with no previous calculus courses in high school or even pre calc. I jumped straight to hard courses that I never knew how to prepare for, but still passed because i tried so hard and she doesnt even understand what i went through.
This will be a turn of events, because after I get to transfer, i decided to change my major to MIS, because it was a better fit for my goals and situation since the requirements for UC is higher than what I got. I am going to a CSU and not an UC and because of that and the asian culture about how important their face and ego is for their child, i am a disgrace.
I lowkey just want some reinsurance of random internet bros here that I am going to be successful, i am and will be more successful than the guy my mom who is comparing to, who studies math at berkley. Although you guys dont know much about my career, i am going into the AI industry, such as AI engineers and stuff. I have already got an internship lined up (for the first time) this summer for AI programmer for a local place! but they do not offer a permanent job after it.
Anyways, I wanted to post it here because I have been watching healthygamer since forever, i am fairly introverted and i really wanted a girlfriend right? suprise surprise, and there i am, during these years I see everybody into relationships and all and I have trouble even opening my mic in a video game. That was 4 years ago, no friends no love life. I hated myself and with the adcamic pressure i keep fighting with daily made me even more fucked up.
So actually the videos have helped me, i think it was like him saying u gotta start at level 1, make friends and level up your social skills! So i did, it was hard but i did, i meet a great female friend who was willing to help me practice talking online, i did not care about dating, because i was happy to even have a friend, fast foward 3 years, we're still great online friends, nothing romantic, purely plantonic because she herself is honestly super emotionally smart, and we were able to put a barrier right off the bat, she even taught me how to be a good bf if i ever do find someone, she has taught me so much it's crazy. We're so open and clear with everything we do and talk about. So why am i saying all of these? because over the course of 2 years, i have dated 2 girls but it was all online so it didnt workout. But well, experience is experience . Fast foward to now, i have met a girl i like irl, and she likes me back too, and shes cute and i love her features (shes not asian) and fast foward a bit more, i invited her to my place and watched some shows and a sleepover, i was happy as fuck, like i went from the old me to this? is this a dream? and when i drove her back , my mom knocked on my door and she fucking said "shes ugly, just be friends only" in the most grossed tone ever and she keeps it going for 45 mins and telling me the most racist fucked up close minded mindset i have ever heard. WHILE IM IN MY FINALS WEEK TRYING TO STUDY AND DO HOMEWORK SO I CAN GET GOOD GRADES AND SHE IS FUCKING MY MOOD during the most important times, every single time. and when i said i disagree, she talks back, and some how she brought up the berkley guy again and tries to hurt my feelings
i also work part time and got out of my comfort zone because of my friend, so i dont rot of doing nothing, and it helped my social skills even more.
There is so much i havent mentioned about my mom, but just know it gets worst.
TLDR: depressed, skinny fat, no relationship, no dating, introverted lonely asian kid with academic pressure while the mentally ill asian mom makes it worst. Can't move out, too expensive, financial dependent on mom, and toxic comparisons. TO, leveled up social skills, toned up physical appearance from working out, seeing someone romantically, a clearer career path, but mentally ill mom still exists, and ruins everything.

I’ve been dating my bf for about 4 months now. I know it’s still a very new relationship but some things have been making me feel off. I don’t know if im overthinking.
I’m his first serious relationship and he’s my third. Because of this i fell in love first. My previous relationships were very toxic and draining but with my current boyfriend everything feels right. When we are together i feel so safe and understood and loved. Over text he’s very closed off with his emotions. I totally understand and I don’t want him to feel like I want to push him! I just barely get compliments, i’ve never been posted, i’ve gotten flowers once on valentines day, he never sends me stuff on social media about relationships, and he hardly reciprocates the energy back.
I want to be understanding, I know life is hard for him right now. I struggle with the thoughts that it’s my own fault and I haven’t been a good girlfriend. I really want him to feel loved and so important because I really do love him! I just genuinely don’t know how to move forward, I’ve had a conversation with him so many times about how I need more reciprocation and more general affection. He thinks it means I want to text him all day everyday, but I don’t want that. It’s unrealistic and unhealthy! I just want to feel a connection. It currently feels like he only messages me when HE wants to talk and doesn’t consider my feelings and when I want to talk to him too.
A few other things I’ve been feeling weird about:

• We are long distance and can’t stay at each other’s houses so we are forced to book hotels. I am currently in a very bad financial position and he’s been the one buying the hotel days for us. He says its been hard on him to pay for it all of the time and I’ve been trying to be understanding. I know if i were in his position it would be hard to pay everytime too. I promised him once I got an income I would pay him back. The only thing thats been upsetting me is that he made a deal with me that we would hang out at least 4 days the next time we hung out which is this weekend. Well when he booked the hotel he only got 2 nights. It really hurt me. Every time we are together he never seems to want extra time if we were able to have it. He seems perfectly content seeing me for 2 nights a month. And yes it will be a month since i’ve seen him. He gets an apartment in August and we will only have 2 more hangouts before he moves in. That’s why i’m a little upset he doesn’t think I am worth just one more day. I’m getting a job within the next few weeks and promised to pay it back. I keep my promises and he knows this.
  
• He has never posted anything about me. He reposts stuff about his friends and his favorite things but he’s never once reposted about having a gf or anything. None of his bios mention he’s not single. He’s never mentioned one single thing about me on social media. I feel like he’s not proud enough of me.
  
• I send him sweet messages all of the time and send cute posts but I rarely ever get any back unprompted.
  

Please don’t be hard on him. You’re hearing about all of the difficulties but I haven’t even mentioned how awesome he is. He’s the first guy to genuinely respect my boundaries. He makes me so comfortable and I love him despite all this hardship. I want to stay with him, he’s very open about his phone and social media. I’m pretty positive he’s not cheating. I just don’t know if it’s a communication style i’m missing. He’s so amazing in person, over text is just very difficult for me to understand.

I'm not sure what I'm looking for, I guess just wanted to write out what I'd been feeling and put it somewhere. I'm using a burner account, and no real names, I just needed to vent this somewhere
I dated my ex (I won't bother with names) for 4 years, and broke things off last summer. Like all relationships it was complicated, but now - nine months later - I still have no idea if I did the right thing, and am left feeling rudderless and adrift.
I'm 41, she's 32 - we met online four-ish years ago, immediately hit it off and started seeing each other 3-4 times a week. We started dating in Jan 2020 ... two months later, covid hit, and our entire state was essentially locked down. We went from dating to basically living together after two months - which, at the time, was great with me .. we were in love, and things seemed great. My parents split up when I was 19. In my 20's and early 30's, I'd made some bad choices with romantic partners - and chased after people who were emotionally unavailable, fundamentally. It took many years of therapy and introspection, but I had been actively making and effort to only date people I saw a real future with.
She (at 28) had never really dated anyone before. She explained she had some very severe trauma as a child, and coupled with abusive parents, she had never put herself out there really, and had focused on work, and fitness, and school. Her father had cheated on her mother when she was a child, and she knew about it (from a very young age). I heard all this, and tried to be as empathic and understanding and reassuring as I could -> after all, it wasn't anything she had done, and I thought she was a badass for overcoming that kind of abuse. We hit it off straight away, and seemed to have tons in common, and those first few months together were incredible. She still lived at home, with her parents - and for the duration of our relationship never moved out, or found her own space.
Things started to get strange when one day, I liked a female friend's post on Instagram ... this was someone I'd known for 5-6 years, and I was friends with long before I knew my gf. In retrospect, my friend's post was a bit thirsty .. your classic "I'm powerful, self possessed" look-at-me photos that showed a bit too much skin - and I should have just kept browsing, but I tapped 'like' (one of probably 20 posts I liked that day from all kinds of different friend) and moved on.
A few hours later, my gf called me, furious, and accused me of using her 'as a place holder' because - in her mind - I obviously REALLY wanted to be with this other friend of mine, and was using her. This came completely out of left field to me, and we had a 2-hour phone argument where I apologized, told her I'd remove the 'like', whatever she wanted. She kept circling back again and again that it was "totally normal" to go through a partners friend list / liked posts because "anyone can see them, they're public". We went back and forth, I was frantic and after we got off the phone, I went through my Instagram and basically purged any attractive female friend I had, and removed any likes I had to any post that might be weird or suspect. From them on I rarely used social media at all - but every few months my ex would find a new friend on my social media she didn't like, or suspected - even after I stopped interacting with social media at all.
This same sort of low-level suspicion persisted throughout our relationship. If I was looking at my phone, she wanted to know what I was reading, who I was talking to, etc. I have never cheated on a partner in my life, in fact I had been cheated on twice - so the sort of dull, constant suspicion really upset me - and after a while it almost felt like she was trying to manifest / discover some kind of secret infidelity. The tragic part is that we got along great otherwise, she loved my (male) friends, loved my family, and we had a relaxed and loving relationship besides occasional flare ups. But the suspicion never went away, or changed - and this sort of underlying insecurity was a constant background white noise of our relationship. She especially took a disliking to my roommates girlfriend, and made it a point to always talk about how much she disliked her, how they weren't going to last - etc (I can't say I blame her, the girl in question was not awesome .. but I never understood why his g/f should have such an outsized effect on our relationship). Despite all this, I thought she was an a kind, empathic, intelligent woman - and I saw a life with her, I saw starting a family with her - as real possiblities.
She grew very attached to my family, which also started to make me wonder what was going on. Many times, first thing in the morning, before coffee or anything else, she'd ask me "how's your mom? how's your dad?" - and would always want to know if she was 'still their favorite'. The first few times I thought it was charming - but it kept going on, to the point I had to push back and ask her "hey, please stop asking me first thing in the morning about the status of my family" ... for reference, I lived on the opposite side of the country from them, and would only get to see them for the holidays (which she was always invited to). I had a very challenging period of my life with my family, from 15-30 my family was fractured, my parents split up, it was messy ... but through years of effort, and time and patience forgiveness, I had built strong, loving relationships with both my parents individually, and my siblings besides. I sometimes got the sense that she even loved my family more than me, and that I was - weirdly - almost an obstacle between her and them. I told her as much, that sometimes I almost was jealous of how much she loved them, and wished that she could point that in my direction sometimes - knowing that they would be part of the package. She never did that same work with her own family - who were deeply dysfunctional, combative and sometimes outright hostile to one another. As crazy as it sounds, I often felt like she was almost trying to reap the rewards of the many years of hard work I had done - without an appreciation for how hard it had been to build new, adult relationships with my parents.
After a year and a half she found a new job, in a new industry, at a high profile company - and for the first six months she was there, she seemed to be able to manage the stress. I asked her if she wanted to maybe find a place together, to move in together for real ... but she kind of brushed it off. I would ask her again every few months, and would be met with the same sort of half-maybe-sorta-we'll-see ...
She suffered a major concussion two years into our relationship, which is when things really started to change. She never went to therapy, or saw a doctor to get treated ... and as the months went by, she became obsessed, almost addicted, to her job. It was all-consuming for her, and occupied all her thought and effort and time ... our relationship became an afterthought, and would mostly be relegated to her staying over (because my apt was closer to her office than her parent's house) - then me cooking her breakfast and seeing her off in the morning - and getting take out when she got back at night. She became more and more locked into her job, and our relationship became more and more platonic and less and less romantic / sexual... which is not uncommon when people are stressed out, or exhausted - but we couldn't seem to find time or space to fix what was happening. We talked, and communicated - but her reaction to stress was to go inside herself, and cut the world off -> and my stress reaction has often been the same.
We grew more and more distant over the next year, I also got a new job that ate up a ton of my time, so we would only see each other for an hour or two in the evenings, or on the weekends when we were up for it. I have a habit of pushing the people I care about away when I am not doing well emotionally .. it's the biggest recurring issue I've had in my life. I've been to therapy for it, and have ways to manage stress including meditation, exercise and a healthy diet - all of which allow me to function. But as the months went by, I got more and more stressed out as we became more distant - and I started to fall apart, and started to feel more and more alone and isolated. I'm sure I could have been better, or more attentive, or more patient ... and I in no way want to trying to pin any blame on her. After all, I'm just 1/2 of the relationship, and 1/2 of the story. After not seeing each other for a few weeks, I had to go out of town for a week for my job - to deal with a long and stressful convention ... and when I came back, we didn't see each other for another week.
I wanted her to come see me, but couldn't come out and say it ... I wanted her to intuit my needs, which she OF COURSE was not able to do. She wanted me to tell her I desperately wanted to see her, which she couldn't articulate because she wanted ME to intuit her needs ... and round and round it went. Lack of communication.
We did see each other eventually, what started as a small disagreement blew up. It started after my ex starting talking about my roommate's girlfriend, or she said something nasty about her. I was upset because we hadn't seen each other in weeks, why would this girl be the first thing on her mind? What about us? I totally overreacted and pushed her away - it was a long and stupid argument, where we both ended up dredging up things from months and years before .. we broke up, she left. In my self-righteous indignation, I felt justified in the moment ... but as the hours passed, and days passed, I was miserable and knew I had made a horrible mistake. My friends at the time told me I'd done the right thing, and that we had long standing issues that I had been mentioning throughout our relationship ... she liked her well enough, but wanted me to be happy, and told me that I had, ultimately, done what I thought was right at the time - and not to doubt myself. But I did, I got fully stuck in my head about it - and was desperate (yes, the D word) to try again.
Over the next few weeks she totally ignored me, wouldn't respond to my calls, or messages. I didn't expect her to - but I practically begged her to give it another chance with me. But she had totally shut down, and in her (later) words "she was never going to speak to me again." She did, eventually, after a few weeks, respond to me. We talked, I apologized, tried to explain that she was the world to me, and I knew I had made a massive mistake, and desperately wanted a chance to try again - to make things right.
She agreed, eventually. We met up for dinner, and slowly talked things out - I was still honestly pretty upset, but we kept seeing each other, started making it a point to go on dates, to get to know each other again. She believed I had cheated on her, that I had met another woman and that this had all been a pretext ... I caught her going through my phone after I got out of the shower. There was nothing to find, but I couldn't believe that she still, after years together, suspected I had been unfaithful to her. But that was just a bump in the road, we talked it out. Things seemed to be getting better. We shared an amazing thanksgiving together, and I genuinely felt like we had turned a corner and were as close as we had ever been ... so did she.
The next Monday, at work, she got another concussion - worse than the first. From this point on, her entire personality shifted ... Which I have learned, in the months that followed, is just something that can happen with head trauma. She didn't want to spend time together nearly as much, she fully retreated into herself, and her family. She wouldn't come visit at all anymore - even if I was willing to pick her up / drop her off ... she would only agree to meet for platonic dinners at a halfway point between our houses. She started seeing a doctor, a neurologist, doing PT work ... but she just kept seeming to get further and further away. If I invited her over, she was always want to know if my roomate's g/f "might" be there, or if we'd be alone ... and if there was even a chance this girl would be there (even though we could spend time in my room, or in the common living room without interference) - my ex would just stay home.
Six or seven months of this went by ... we kept sort of drifting apart, and it seemed like no matter how much I tried to communicate, or bridge the divide between us (which, to be honest, it felt like I was doing 3/4 of the work to keep this thing going) - we just kept drifting. After her second concussion, we stopped being intimate all together ... she was still convinced I had been with other women while we were apart, and demanded I get tested for STDs for her to trust me again. I let my pride get in the way, and should just have done it - but I had not been with or dated anyone else in the few weeks we were apart, and I couldn't get over that she still wouldn't trust me at my word.. after almost 4 years together, I still had to prove myself.
But I didn't, I was stubborn and dug my heels in - so our last potential shot at intimacy evaporated. We became basically platonic buddies ... we still loved each other, said we loved on another every day - but I always felt like I was chasing her, hoping for some kind of emotional connection or breakthrough or common ground that never manifested. By the time July rolled around, I was a total mess ... I felt completely alone, isolated, and like the person I knew and loved had drifted off, and there wasn't a way to get her back. For two months I said that I was really struggling, I was feeling really disconnected and that I missed her all the time - that I wanted to get back to baseline but didn't know how, and that I wanted her help or guidance. She said she felt like she was gradually getting back to where she started, but had no clear picture of how long that might take, and couldn't give me any kind of definitive answer if things would get better again - or how things might get better again.
It never happened. With another month-long work event looming on the horizon, and my stress levels climbing and climbing, I felt like I was on the edge of a nervous breakdown. Eventually, after one of our platonic dates, I had a full on breakdown, and tearfully told her how isolated I was feeling, how I felt like I'd lost her, and how I felt totally clueless how to fix things. She had no ideas to offer, no guidance on how to navigate any of this, and no suggestions how to get back to some kind of baseline. It all poured out from both sides ... she didn't feel like she could trust me ever since we'd got back together, I felt like she neve really let me back in. But we both agreed that that one thanksgiving had been amazing ... and we wished we could find a way back to that place - but had no idea how.
I told her I needed a month, or two, I needed to start seeing a therapist, I needed to put myself back together because I felt like I was falling apart. I told her I wished that we could take a breathe - and come back on more solid footing because I had fucked up when I broke things off before. I had come back from a place of sadness and desperation - and had not given either of us a chance to heal before trying to undo the damage I'd caused. I wanted to meet her on even footing, from a place of mutual strength and try again ...
To her, this was just me breaking up with her again.. which I tried to say "no, I don't want to lose you, but I'm fucked up and need to just right the ship a bit in my life because I am totally losing it ..." But, sometimes it doesn't matter. To her, I was leaving her again, giving up. I had no idea if she'd speak to me again, but I felt so broken I didn't know what else to do.
I took two months, without contact, and started seeing a therapist, started exercising again, got through my hell-month at work. I tried reaching out again to her, multiple times after that ... but I never heard back. A few months went by - I missed her more and more, I didn't heal or get better, I didn't feel like I'd done the right thing. My friends told me I had, my family was supportive - my friends especially have told me time and time again that ultimately, I did the right thing, that I did what was right 'for me' ... but to me, the reassurance didn't matter. There was a giant, gaping hole in my life that I had no idea what to do with. This was a woman I had wanted to marry, that I had wanted to life with, to build and share a life with -> and at one point, I know she wanted the same. I felt so terrible, and couldn't handle the memories of the place I was in, that I resigned from my job (which was ok, it was a horrible grind, that while it paid ok, didn't have any kind of upward mobility) .. and after a lot of thought, I moved back across the country because it was too painful for me to be in that place, surrounded by the memories - living with the ghosts. My friend group had been slowly dispersing, getting new jobs in new cities, having kids and getting on with life - and I didn't see a reason to stay anymore. I debated reaching out to my ex to let her know I was moving - but it had been months without a word, she had not responded to any of my attempts to talk to her, to meet her even for coffee, or to return the few things of hers I still had - and I knew that if I did reach out - it would ultimately be a selfish act, hoping that somehow she might say 'oh no, he's leaving for good' ... so I didn't. I'm still not sure if she knows I left.
I've been saying with family, slowly putting the pieces of my life back together. I'm taking classes, and plan on switching careers into a new field that I may actually am passionate about. I'll find my own place again in a month or two, but truth is I missed my family dearly, and have been helping both my aging parents with years of neglected repairs and yard work - and seeing my siblings and their families again after a decade of living on the opposite coast and getting to see them 'maybe' once a year around the holidays. Plus after paying insane rent to random landlords for over a decade, its been nice to have a few months of feeling grounded, and to put work into where I'm living. My family has been thrilled, and glad to have me around again.
But it's made no difference, really. I still think of her every day. Some days are easier than others, and I can manage to stay focused on classes and work and fitness - but in so many ways my life feels totally hollow now. I'm stuck wondering if I completely fucked up a good thing, and wasted what might have been my last shot at starting a family of my own, of having a real partner. I'm 41, realistically my chances get slimmer by the year. Or maybe I did totally the right thing, and I got out of a degenerating situation that had been nagging at me for months and months that something was deeply wrong. Or maybe it was somewhere in between those two poles. There's no way to know, and I'm limited to my own side, and my own perspective - and trapped in that middle ground of wondering how things "MIGHT" have gone had X Y or Z happened differently. I wish I had some kind of clarity, or certainty, but I don't.
I guess things are getting a bit easier, as the days and weeks and months go by - but its only by fractions of a degree. I miss her, or maybe just miss the person she used to be, if that person still exists. Head trauma is ... complicated - because the person looks the same, sounds the same ... but the person you knew, the person you fell in love with, isn't really the same person anymore. Its almost like, mourning the death of someone who is still alive, if that makes sense.
So here I am, taking it one day at a time, hoping for some brighter tomorrow, some slow healing or revelation or clarity that I did the right thing - but all I have are doubts. There's no closure to be found because all I ever got was silence. I've done everything people have recommended - focused on myself, focused on health and fitness, focus on learning new skills, on meeting new people, gone on dates, focused on family, focused on growing -> but it hasn't helped the giant, gaping hole in my life, and the never-ending uncertainty.
I expect no sympathy, or empathy ... and knowing reddit, I'll get a lot of people piling on to tell me what a piece of shit I am, lol'ing at how I fucked up my own life, and telling me she's better off without me. But then again sometimes even Reddit can surprise you with the insightful and thoughtful responses. More than anything, I just wanted to write this down somewhere, anywhere - to get it out of my head and my heart. Because the more it stews, the worse I feel. Thanks for reading, if you managed to make it this far.. its a long, messy, meandering story without any real ending. Will I hear from her again? Probably not. Will I get over her? Eventually I'm sure ... but what happens between now and then is anyone's guess. What ever it is, it'll happen on day, one moment at a time.
tldr; sometimes things just end - without someone cheating, or abusing the other person, or any real good way to sum it up. Life and relationships are long, complicated, nuanced and messy. Take care all, appreciate what you have while you have it, take it one day at a time

Heya! I posted this in /SanJose as well, but you happen to be in or around the South Bay, here are some fun things that are happening around here this week:

Thursday, 5/16

• Off The Grid Night Market Gordon Biersch (357 E. Taylor St., San Jose) 5-9 p.m. FREE Groove to music from San Jose Jazz while you sample over 50+ food trucks and brews at the inaugural event. (Runs through 7/11)
  
• Bay to Breakers Shakeout Sunnyvale Bay Trail (293-327 W. Caribbean Dr., Sunnyvale) 6 p.m. FREE Don your Bay to Breakers gear and run, jog, or walk to your own pace at this running series.
  
• Dwight Clark Legacy Series California Theater (345 S. First St., San Jose) 7 p.m. $30-$287 Along with lively conversations with current and former 9ers players, NBC Sports hosts a presentation of the Dwight Clark Awards.
  
• Drink and Draw Art Boutiki (44 Race St., San Jose) 7 p.m. FREE Bring out your inner artiste while you sip on a tasty beverage and enjoy the sound of Digging Sound Collect. Crayons, paper, pencils, and other utensils provided.
  
• Chris Porter San Jose Improv (62 S. Second St., San Jose) Thu 8 p.m., Fri 7:30 + 9:45 p.m., Sat 7 p.m. + 9:30 p.m. $22-$72 From NBC’s “Last Comic Standing,” and his Netflix special “Ugly and Angry,” this comedian has distinguished himself as a no-frills, no-sound cues, no puppets performer. (Runs through 5/18)
  
• Austin Nasso Rooster T Feathers Comedy Club (Address) Thu-Fri 8 p.m., Sat-Sun 7 p.m. $25 Admission, $35 VIP You may know this former Microsoft software engineer from his recurring appearances on “The Howard Stern Show.” (Runs through 5/19)
  
• Pressure Drop DJ Night Caravan Lounge (98 S. Almaden Ave., San Jose) 9 p.m. FREE Join DJs Norbert + Fuchsia for a night of punk, ska, reggae, soul, and R&B.
  

Friday, 5/17

• Salsa y Cerveza Garden at the Flea (1590 Berryessa Rd., San Jose) 5-9 p.m. FREE Learn to Salsa dance and browse flea market deals while you groove to Union Timbera and gnosh on bites from local food trucks.
  
• Movie Night in the Park: “Puss in Boots: The Last Wish” Meadowfair Park (Corda Dr. + Barberry Ln., San Jose) 6-10 p.m. FREE Bring your blanket + lawn chair, and enjoy lawn games, crafts, and food trucks as you watch one of the coolest, most stylish animated films from last year.
  
• SJBP - Bikers of the Caribbean Ride! Berryessa BART Station (958 Berryessa Station Way, San Jose) 7:30 p.m. FREE Dress like a pirate, or wear your street gear to join other bike enthusiasts for a 15-20 mile ride through North San Jose.
  
• Bay FC vs San Diego Wave FC PayPal Park (1123 Coleman Ave., San Jose) 7:30 p.m. $20-$196 After losses on the road to Chicago and Portland, our team returns home for a “Bay Area Unite” game.
  
• Sofia Niño de Rivera California Theater (345 S. First St., San Jose) 8 p.m. $49-$109 You may know this comedian as Mexico City’s “Woman of the Year” 2016, or from the Netflix dramedy “Club de Cuervos.”
  
• Dark Satellite + Orbit 17 + Dear Banshee Art Boutiki (44 Race St., San Jose) 8 p.m. $15 Advance, $20 Day of Show Bay Area indie rockers collide at a stellar showcase of prog, jazz, and otherworldly riffage.
  
• Alicia Villarreal San Jose Civic (135 W. San Carlos St., San Jose) 8 p.m. $39.50-$149 See the two-time Latin Grammy Award-winning singer for her “Donde Todo Comenzo” tour.
  
• Electric Feels: Indie Rock + Indie Dance Party The Ritz (400 S. First St., San Jose) 9 p.m. $15-$20 Advance, $25 Day of Show From MGMT to Vampire Weekend, alt-J to Hot Chip, dance along to your favorite indie tracks from yesteryear.
  
• Panacea + HRIF + Perarez Caravan Lounge (98 S. Almaden Ave., San Jose) 9 p.m. FREE Chunky riffs, ear-splitting growls, and dense-packed crowds fill one of the most intimate venues in the South Bay.
  

Saturday, 5/18

• Bored Teachers Comedy Tour California Theater (345 S. First St., San Jose) 3 p.m. and 7 p.m. $35-$55 Ring in the end of the school year with the No. 1 teacher comedians in the world performing skits and stand ups.
  
• Culture Night Market Discovery Meadow (180 Woz Way, San Jose) 4-10 p.m. FREE Featuring local vendors, food trucks, and businesses, to hoppin’ stage performances from Universal Grammar, Los Jefes, L James, Thatfool Al, Sutro, DJ Say, and Real Ignorant.
  
• All Out for Al-Nakba San Jose Peace and Justice Center (48 S. Seventh St., San Jose) 4 p.m. FREE Join community members and activists for a screening and discussion of Al Jazeera’s “Al-Nakba: The Palestinian Catastrophe 1948” documentary series as a part of Anti-War Action Network’s national week of action.
  
• Hey Girl! Sexy Slumber Party Splash Video Dance Bar (65 Post St., San Jose) 6 p.m. FREE before 7:30, $10 after Dress in your best pajamas or sexy sleepwear and dance along with fellow fems, femmes, and femme fatales to the tunes of local DJ Rogue Mermaid.
  
• Nate Jackson San Jose Civic (135 W. San Carlos St., San Jose) 7 p.m. $39.50-$200 You know he has to be funny, because his tour’s called the “Super Funny World Tour.” It’s just science.
  
• The ABBA Concert Experience Montgomery Theater (271 S. Market St., San Jose) 7:30 p.m. $39-$59 This family-friendly singalong show highlights the enduring success of one of the world’s most beloved pop supergroups.
  
• San Jose Earthquakes vs. Orlando City SC PayPal Park (1123 Coleman Ave., San Jose) 7:30 p.m. $22-$185 Join the Quakes for Vietnamese Heritage night, with special merch for sale, and limited items with purchase of a ticket.
  
• Take on Me: The Ultimate 80’s Party The Ritz (400 S. First St., San Jose) 8 p.m. $17-$20 Advance, $20 Day of Show Don your favorite hot pants and pastel colors for this celebration of synths and gated reverb drums.
  
• Nineteen Jazz Orchestra Art Boutiki (44 Race St., San Jose) 8 p.m. $25 Advance, $30 Day of Show Along with classic soul, jazz, and R&B, this local professional jazz group will be performing “Obama Suite,” composed by their their former trumpet player, the late Eric Bolvin.
  
• Nature of the Beast SJZ Break Room (310 S. First St., San Jose) 8 p.m. $25 Bay Area jazz legends return to the SJZ stage to perform select songs from Herbie Hancock’s discography.
  
• Dead River Rebels + American Standard + Akira XX Caravan Lounge (98 S. Almaden Ave., San Jose) 9 p.m. FREE DIY punk meets stoner rock at this showcase of local talent.
  

Sunday, 5/19

• Boogie Music Fest Downtown Campbell 10 a.m.-6 p.m. Saturday, 10 a.m.-5 p.m. Sunday FREE Admission Enjoy food, beer, and wine, plus artisan booths, a kids zone, and a funky “Best Dressed” contest, with live music on two stages both days.
  
• AAPI Pride Brunch Holiday Inn San Jose - Silicon Valley (1350 N. First St., San Jose) 11 a.m.-3 p.m. FREE Celebrate Asian American Pacific Islander History Month with local drag performers, poetry, Mahjong, and trivia games.
  
• Halfway to Halloween Rumble City Boxing (866 Park Ave., San Jose) 2-6 p.m. FREE From spooky wares to Halfoween artistry, check out local artist booths with live music and food.
  
• Homayoun Shajarian + Anoushiravan Rohani San Jose Civic (135 W. San Carlos St., San Jose) 5 p.m. and 9 p.m. Two legendary performers, one from Tehran and the other from Iran, blend Eastern and Western musical traditions.
  
• Jakob’s Castle + The Happys The Ritz (400 S. First St., San Jose) 7 p.m. $15 Advance, $20 Day of Show SoCal rock and ska royalty Jacob Nowell brings his sublime punk sensibilities to the stage.
  
• Sammy Obeid San Jose Improv (62 S. Second St., San Jose) 8:30 p.m. $30-$90 One of my favorite comedians of all time, Sammy’s been a part of the Bay Area comedy scene for the past two decades. Check out some of his bits on Instagram/TikTok!
  

Thanks so much for reading!

You can get this entire post emailed to you each week in my newsletter.
If you have other stuff you’d like people to know about, drop ‘em in the comments! 🙂

• Gregg

Normally you'd never catch me on here. This being my very first post after using Reddit for many years. So here goes nothing and I'll keep it short.
Hi, I'm a 26 year old from Florida who is your A-Typical mans man. I've always been called older than I am and constantly try to understand the world and the people around me better and improve myself.
I work in an armed capacity and see the highs and lows of society most every day. I am 6'5 and weigh 285lbs but I'm trying to cut to around 275, my ideal weight. I used to do powerlifting and I love heavy weights, it's a weird obsession for me. Man things, pick things up, put things down lol.
I considered myself open minded and patient with people. I'm a good public speaker and I stand my ground on things I feel I must protect. My job requires it, but I've always been that way.
What Im looking for, I likely won't find, but I'm very willing to give it a shot. I want a girl who's 19-27, preferably white but I'm open to anything, petite in size, kind, considerate and wants to really work towards a future for herself. I'm a big dude and I like smaller girls, fun to lift you up and all that. If you think you're cute, I'll likely find you adorable. You don't have to be anything but you.
I enjoy video games when I'm not working and if you do too, that's a huge bonus. I'm the romantic guy who will surprise you with random trips to get ice cream or take you shopping on a whim. My version of adventure is hopping in my car, picking a direction and just driving for fun. Life is too short to waste happiness or time and that's exactly why I'm here.
If you give me you, I'll give you the world.
I'm willing to make accomodations and work things out for my relationship so it results in the best it can be. I give my all, and tend to protect and fight for things I love and believe in.
Honesty, loyalty, strength and in all, honor. Those are my most sacred values.
This is Reddit after all, and this is just a wall of text, so if any of this resonates with you and you think there might be something to let flourish between us, message me on here and we'll talk and hopefully move off the platform to understand each other better. I am an open book, with nothing to hide.
Everything should happen naturally, be it fast or slow, whatever is right, is right. I hope you're out there and I hope I can make you the happiest girl in the world.

• L

I’m not really sure why I’m making this post, maybe it’s a cry for help that my subconscious is forcing on me, but whatever it is, I’ve always felt better when I can put all my emotions in one place. Just a few weeks ago, I broke up with my serious girlfriend of a year and a half. I know I probably sound like a loser compared to everyone else, I’m just a 20 year old who doesn’t want to live anymore because a girl he dated for a year and a half wants to break up with him, boohoo. Anyways, she was really the girl of my dreams, someone that I talked about having kids with, and proposing to next year on a vacation to her home country (china) which should just go to show the crazy things that happen when you date a hot Asian girl 😭. We broke up because she felt like I spent too much time at home, and hanging out with her, and I always felt like we never spent enough time together and I just always craved time with her which just drove a stake between us. After we broke up I obviously had a lot a lot of things I needed to say to her, but she wouldn’t sit down with me and talk things about because she needed a lot of distance between us and couldn’t be there for me. I attempted the night of the day after we broke up, wanted to bleed myself to death like a fish, and I turned to her because she’s still someone I depended on and I needed her help, which she did help me, but it drove her further away. Anyways, I’m gonna spend the next week or two enjoying my life as much as possible, and then I’m getting a plane ticket to Washington and I’m gonna hike to Olympic national park because I’ve always wanted to go, and then probably commit via helium asphyxiation. I’ve been doing okay recently because I’ve made friends but I’m just not okay with being alive anymore, it hurts too much still and I’m always alone even though I try to surround myself with people that care. I am scared because I’m going to feel awful doing this to the people that care about me, grandparents; and my three younger sisters, and my cousin. I really feel bad for my mom and my friend because they’ve been there for me and I don’t want them to feel responsible. I’m not commiting because I want revenge, or to make peoples suffer, I just am giving up, plain and simple. Anyways, I hope anyone who sees this has a good day and remember to always check on your friends regardless of how much they smile and care about the people around them.

My SO(30M) and I(30F) have been together for 2 years. He has a son who is 8 years old which he has 50/50. The first year was really great. I had zero responsibility of taking care of his kid. BM was a little needy but I voiced my concerns and he set boundaries right away. I appreciated that he was quick to resolve that.
Several things have changed coming into year two of our relationship. I would like your advice or opinion. A strong part of me wants to suck it up and pull it through, the other part that fades in and out is fear that this is my new reality and it will get worse.
My SO got a new job in September, way different than his previous 9-5 job. He now works shift work, so 12 hour days either 5pm-5am or 5am-5pm. Given the hours, I often drive SS to and from school. The harder days are the night shifts where I am alone all evening and cooking supper, entertaining his son, and putting him to bed. His son is very good kid. He makes my life easier because of that. But this is still a lot of work.
BM has mental health issues, and is a drug addict. She cannot keep a job for longer than 2 weeks. How does she have 50/50 you probably ask? The court system failed us. She agreed to go to rehab and seek psych help, she also has Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). She went to rehab for very short time and did not continue her psych help. CPS has been called her several times and they do nothing. Anyways… we recently discovered that she is badly addicted again, and has been for awhile but hides it. So SS is not allowed with her unsupervised. So we have him 100% now. I am super thankful he is in better care. But this puts on so much more responsibility now. I plan everything around a kid that isn’t mine now. My hobbies and friends, they come second now. Grandma is helpful at least, she is able to relieve me for some days of the week.
We are also renovating the basement of his house. He owns the house. Though I’m often told it’s OUR house and the work I put into it I will get back. My name isn’t on the house, we aren’t married, and Im not common law until August. Also maybe worth mentioning this is the same house he bought with BM, so putting work into it does not feel like my own. I don’t feel connected to the house. I feel a little resentful at times. He tells me to try to move past those emotions. In today’s economy state we can’t really afford to move. The house is a great house, if I move past those jealous/resentful feelings it’s more in our favour to stay in it.
I often find myself feeling sad to be in this. the bigger picture is he a great person and good father. He is a hard worker, I don’t know if I could find a person like him again. Things do add up though. Mother’s day just passed and I didn’t get anything because of excuses of “I’m trying to finish renovations before going back to work”. “I’m exhausted” and “BM has me stressed out”. It would have been nice to receive something minor to show appreciation all I do for his son.
He often tells me he is stressed from credit card debt. Renovations has him in the hole. I haven’t been treated for awhile because of that. I tell him I don’t care about money, he could even do cute social media posts, I like those things they cost nothing but I get the excuse “I’m not a social media person” he does post just doesn’t think to often.
I am feeling defeated. I am a hard worker and independent person. I don’t need anyone to take care of me but it would be really nice to have someone spoil me with love from time to time, take care of me for once. He tells me things will get better once the renovations are done because he will have more time, and more money (we are getting a renter). It’s been 8 months of this though. I feel like I can’t leave because I love him too much, what if things do get better and this is just a rough patch!? The current state is not ideal. I feel so sad this is how things turned out. And also a little niave like what did I expect dating a person with a child.
As an outsider, what would you do?

My apologies in advance if this is long. I was in an abusive relationship/marriage for 23 years. This incident happened when we were still friends. If I had I only known the truth when this had originally happened, I would have been saved from decades of emotional, psychological, verbal, physical, sexual, and physical abuse. (And currently post-separation abuse).
The cast: me, my ex Bub (Beelzebub), my ex-crush B, Bub's gf M, Bub's bf V (It will make sense when you read it.)
TW: Suicide, self-harm, abuse
We met through a mutual friend. We became really close really quickly. He was 17 and I was 19. We would talk for hours about anything and everything. I was raised around domestic abuse, and my family was highly dysfunctional. I suffered severe trauma as a child being raised in this environment with an abusive father and brother. (His namesake). By the time I met Bub, I had been having mental health struggles for many years. To deal with the trauma I still suffered from I would self-harm by cutting frequently. I also had been in a psychiatric hospital twice for suicide attempts. I told Bub about all of this, and he knew that I still did it. He was very supportive and would get really sad when I harmed myself.
Since we were just friends we would talk about our crushes. He had a crush on a girl from high school and I had a crush on one of my ex's B, who was also my high school crush. We only dated for 3 weeks, and we decided we were better as friends then lovers. Though we did have a FWB thing going on when we were both single. He really talked up his crush and I really talked up mine.
Two months into our friendship he got a gf. He told me she was a girl he knew from his home city named M. He claimed her mother would babysit him and his brother. He really talked this girl up. She was into all the same things as him. He said she had beautiful red hair, D breasts, liked the same books, movies and music as him. (Yes, he bragged about these things, as disgusting and corny as it sounds now). I was starting to believe he talked her up to make me jealous, which it honestly did. However, I knew it was petty jealousy and I was very happy for him and expressed that to him.
I don't know whose idea it was for her to start communicating with me, but she started emailing me to get to know his best friend (me). I was totally cool with this and was excited to get to know her. Before I know it, she starts getting really nasty with me for no apparent reason. It really upset me. My natural impulse at the time when I was upset was to cut. It was a maladaptive coping mechanism I had for years, and I did it when I was really upset. I explained this to him, and he said he would talk to her. He showed real concern I was harming myself and he also wanted her to stop.
So, he told me he had talked to her, and she had told him she would stop harassing me for no good reason. I really assumed she was jealous and let her know there was nothing to worry about. We were friends and he had a much longer history with her. She didn't stop. She continued to say the vilest and f'd up things to me, including making crass and insensitive comments about my suicidal ideation and self-harm. Naturally I was really upset and cut myself pretty badly. I still have the scar.
This basically went on until they broke up a month later. He said she was doing heroin, and he was vehemently against drugs. He said that they had a good friend that died of an OD, and he couldn't be with her if she was going to do that. It was over. She never contacted me again.
Not long after that B (my ex-bf) had come back from bootcamp. I spent a good deal of time with him while he was on home for leave for two weeks before he shipped out overseas. We decided in that time that we would no longer be FWB because I was starting to have feelings for Bub. Me and Bub started dating right after that. He ended up telling me that him and M didn't really date, and he had only told me that to make me jealous. AHA! I was correct!
So, I asked to meet her. He was a bit hesitant at first, but he finally agreed. At this point his bf V from his home city was dating her. It was the perfect opportunity to meet her as like a double date. I will say, at that time in my life I could be possessive and jealous. Not proud of it, but I was young and immature. I ended up treating her pretty snidely because of this.
One night we were out with them, and Bub got into a car accident. We ended up having to call his dad for a ride home. When we got to his home, his dad was contemplating letting them sleep there. I whispered in Bub's ear that I was not okay with his ex-gf sleeping at his house. She overheard me tell him this. She pulled me aside and told me they never dated. WHAT? I was furious. Bub made eye contact with me, and by the look on his face, I could tell he knew what she told me. The ride back, to drop them at home in his dad's car, was uncomfortable to say the least.
After he dropped them off, I confronted him. His explanation was I was so pushy to meet her, but he knew how jealous I could be, so he didn't want to actually introduce me to the real M. Ends up V was dating a girl with the same name. I felt so stupid and betrayed. I wanted to end it, but he seemed so remorseful I ended up giving him another chance.
Well, the years go rolling by, and I hear no more about this girl who he was so close with, in the past. Bub was a very charismatic person with a lot of friends. He never stopped speaking to friends permanently and they would come in and out of his life. I found it a little odd that there was no mention of her but didn't think much else of it. I also never really formally met her.
Then Facebook became a thing. He ended up being friends with every person he had ever known. Except her. I would bring it up and he would always have some excuse. We ended up moving in with his brother in 2015. I wasn't really around his brother a lot, so I never got a chance to talk to him at length. I remember at one point I brought her up. I was just so curious at the mystery girl and wanted to see if he was still in touch with her. He told me he didn't know what I was talking about. He said his mother never left them with babysitters and only worked when they were in school.
"What does that mean," I'm thinking. WTF does that mean? I brought it up to Bub and he told me she only babysat a few times so his brother probably forgot. But this didn't sit right with me. He had told me that she would babysit them frequently. He denied ever saying the frequency. What could I do but believe him? It had been almost 15 years by that point. That's a long time to keep a secret like that. Surely, he was telling me the truth. I dropped it for good.
We get married that year. We had a child the next year. We had a stillborn a year after that. All this time until 2022, I started feeling really uneasy about our relationship. I started suspecting that his behavior towards me was abusive.
Sidenote: I didn't include all the abusive behaviors in this post, as it would be a novel if I did. I'm simply recalling the events around the catalyst to my descent into hell.
By the end of 2022 I was broken. I had gotten my first of what would end up being 3 TROs against him. I dismissed the first two. (The second was a dual, as he set up a situation that created the need for me to defend myself. He claimed I wasn't defending myself. That's a story for another day). After the first two, I was still so desperate to salvage my marriage with my eternal hope that he could change. I was just so broken by then I didn't think I deserved any better, and no one else could possibly want a worthless, pitiful broken mess like me.
The summer of 2023, while laying sleepless in bed, the memory of M flashed through my mind. I started remembering details I had long forgotten. Why did I never meet her? Why was she never his friend on Facebook? Why had neither of them reached out to each other? I had met every person he talked about, or he was at least friends with them on Facebook. Why not her? Why did his brother not remember? Why did he say M's mother babysat them all the time? I KNOW he originally said that damn it! Why was her email address, at only 17-years-old, her first and last name? 17-year-olds don't use their names like professionals. They call themselves sparklybutterflies86 for christ's sakes! This was all going through my head.
The next day I confronted Bub. I will paraphrase to the best of my memory:
Me: Was M real?
Bub: I thought this had been settled already.
Me: No. No, it hasn't. You told me your brother just did not remember her and that was the last I spoke of it.
Bub: Deadpanned looking me right in the eye "No. She wasn't real. I thought you knew this by now."
I can't really remember what I said at that point, but it was a lot of "how the fuck could you do that? and other expletives. His excuse was he was an insecure teenager, and he was jealous of B and how much I talked about him. A fucking insecure teenager. Talking up his high school crush didn't make me jealous, so he made up a gf.
He pretended to be a gf, who went on to harass the shit out me. Which caused me to be so distraught that I cut myself. He knew I was harming myself and he kept on doing it. I still bare the fucking scar from that time. He involved a poor innocent girl that I was fucking terrible to. Not to mention the fake story of a friend that Od'd. And his excuse for this deranged, diabolical, INSANE fucking shit was, "I was an insecure teenager." No fucking big deal, right?
23 years. Two kids. One alive and one deceased. 23 years of complete and utter psychological annihilation with this man.
If only I had known.
If you have come this far, thank you so much for reading. I left him for good October of last year, and I have never felt more free.

I AM NOT OOP. OOP is u/ReverendMuddyGrimes
Originally posted on relationships
2 updates – short
Content warning: drug and alcohol abuse, waste of questionable origin
Original post - October 7th, 2023
Update 1 - March 17th, 2024
Update 2 - May 15th, 2024
Sister-in-law told me my wife cheated while on vacation
The players in this drama. My wife who for the purpose of this post shall be called Anne (female 47). My sister-in-law (female 40) who we shall call Shannon. SIL's cheating partner (male mid 40s) known hereafter as Tony. And myself (male, so close to 50 that I can reach out and slap it). We shall refer to me as "me". Usual disclaimers of cell phone and English is my first language, I just suck at it. So my wife had to travel to her step father's house. He is in very poor health, and she went there to help set up home heath. She was there for a week, and we were in constant contact. Her sister is a drunk and a drug addict. At several points during the visit, we were on video chat when "Shannon" came into the room where my wife and her father were. She was buck ass naked, raging drunk. In front of her father. I was mortified, and I'm sure he was too. Now "Shannon" is married, but separated. She has a live in boyfriend. "Tony" is my father-in-law's primary care giver. For the flight home, "Anne" missed her flight. "Tony" was driving her to the airport. There was an unusual amount of road construction, and they arrived late. She had to take a different flight. Not a big deal. After she was home for a few days, the following text exchange happened between me and Shannon. Shannon: they fucked. Me: who, and did you film it? We could make a fortune on pornhub! Shannon: I saw him leaving her room and smiling. You know she didn't miss her flight! He ain't denying it. Me: well, if they did, he's the luckiest man alive.
Now guys, I know that I have a better chance of creating a fart powered personal jet than this story has of being true. It's just not in her nature. That said, damn that woman to the depths of Detroit's South side for putting the idea in my head.
So, the question: how do I deal with a crazy drunk 80lb woman from 1000 miles away. I can't block her, because the rest of her family has. If something happens to the father-in-law while Tony is at work, I'm the only one she can contact.
Tldr: drunk SIL claims wife cheated. She didn't. I have to decide how to deal with her.
Comments
Indianblanket
Tell Tony you are blocking Shannon and to please contact you directly with any updates he receives from Shannon while he's at work.
Block Shannon.
Call Dad daily.
EdgeCityRed
Yeah, I had a former friend like Shannon: a heavy drinker, mental issues (no offense intended to people dealing with mental issues, but this was the main factor in that case), major liar who'd fixate on specific things to lie about.
I did block this person in every conceivable way but I can't think of anything else to do in your situation but ignore the behavior since you have to be in contact. OR, you and your wife could just talk to Tony about the father-in-law with the understanding that if Tony quits being the caregiver or breaks up with Shannon, he passes your contact info to the next caregiver. If something happens when Tony is at work, he'd still probably know before you.
Anyway, you have nothing to worry about with the wife anyway; you're too funny to dump.
\too funny to dump. I have a host of exes that would strongly disagree. Unless you meant funny looking. Then, they would come down solidly on your side*
Update 1
Several months ago my drunk of a SIL (f-40) told me (m-50) that my wife of 12 years (f-47) cheated on me while setting her her step dad's home health in Detroit. I, of course, didn't believe her. A lot has happened since then. First, we all went up for Christmas. While we were there, SIL (I called her Shannon in the original post) stormed in and claimed that my wife was having sex with her boyfriend "Tony" on the front porch. Two problems with that. 1) It's Detroit in December so it's cold as a well digger's ass outside. 2) my wife is in the chair next to mine. SIL ended up assaulting Tony right after I returned home. She ended up in jail where she was placed on a 3 day psych hold. Apparently being a drunken meth addict makes you crazy. Who knew? Mid January, my father-in-law passed away. This sent SIL into a spiral. Especially when she found out that she couldn't stay in the family home anymore as it had to be sold. She was given $35,000 from her father's retirement to get a new place and hold her over until the sale of the house. My wife and I drove up to prepare the house to go on the market. Y'all, I've been in nasty houses before, but not like this. My father-in-law kept this place immaculate. Now, in just 2 months, it qualifies for an episode of Hoarders. There is dog crap halfway up the walls in the den. I didn't even know dogs could poop that high! There were several empty bottles of $350 tequila in the living room. We figure that she will have drank her entire inheritance in six months. We had to rent a dumpster for me to shovel all of her garbage in to. Obviously, I changed the locks and garage door codes. Im a career garage door installer, so that part was easily done. Even more obviously, all those people who responded to the original post that my wife cheated were VERY wrong. Edit: the dog is a chihuahua. We assume that it did it's doggie business off the back of the couch, since we had to move the couch to find what was causing the smell. We can't take the dog because SIL refuses to see us. TLDR, Wife, who I knew didn't cheat even though her sister claimed she did, was exonerated because her sister is batshit crazy from meth and alcohol.
Comments
Scarletnightingale
Sir, given that she is an alcoholic with a meth addiction, I would assume that that was not dog poop on the walls. Alcoholics tend to have issues with their digestive system and meth and alcohol mess with judgement and a person caring of they pooped on the wall.
Good luck with the house, and I'm sorry that your SIL is making things so much more difficult for you during the loss of your wife's father.
Elfich47 If she making meth in the house, you may need a decon team to clean the site up.
She doesn't make it, just uses. We know this by the amount of dealers that FIL had to chase off
Update 2
I mentioned in my last post that my Father-in-law passed away. From insurance and his retirement both of his daughters received $104k before taxes. We paid our taxes up front leaving us just over $80k. We really don't have much debt, so we put it all on our house. My SIL however chose to accept a lump sum. In the update, when she had gotten the first installment of $35k, I said she would have drank it all in 6 months. Apparently I am a very optimistic man. She has drank,shot up, and snorted the entire $104k in less than 3 months. Through most of the high times, she sent my wife incredibly awful texts claiming that her dad never loved her. Technically it was my wife's step-dad. One of the claims made was that if he loved her he would have adopted her. SIL was too young to remember, but he did try. Her birth father wouldn't sign off on it. Anyway, she is out of money. My wife is getting around a dozen slurred phone calls a day begging her to let SIL sleep on our couch. That is a giant HELL NO from us. We expect to hear any day that she has been found dead.
TLDR: SIL blew her entire inheritance on drugs and alcohol. Now after insulting my wife for months, wants to live with us.
Comments
crom_77
Sounds like you have a head on your shoulders. SIL sounds like a nightmare. Money can wreck a family if it's not handled carefully, I've seen it happen several times. People live like there's going to be a big payout at the end, or like they deserve something.
HuntEnvironmental863
Do you think in 3 months OP will be back on here cause Anne took the 80k and ran off with Tony?
80k is gone. It went on our mortgage. As for Tony, he disappeared when the SIL ran out of money.
Marked as concluded per OOP.
No brigading, no harassment.