Ovation self therapy

Hello! I honestly debated posting a third attempt, as much of the second attempt's critique was stated as "personal opinion" or related to small words, but I'd still like to tidy it up & make it the best I can be. Please do not hold back with critique — I may ask some clarifying questions but will take it all seriously!
Past changes made (1st Attempt, 2nd Attempt): Clarifying MC's motive & reasoning, clarifying side character's importance (reducing unnecessary pronouns), cleaning up wording. In the second attempt, I tidied up a few words.
Thank you to everyone!
XXXXXXXXXXXX[ Query ]XXXXXXXXXXXXXX
Dear [AGENT NAME],
Seventeen-year-old Andy Carroll is both a fight and flight risk. A myriad of failed foster placements have landed her in Banter, Minnesota, an eerie little town she intends to escape by nightfall. Her abusive foster father would be the perfect outlet for her anger, but she can’t bear to put her new foster siblings — tiny-yet-feral Lyla and vigilantly analytical Marcelo — in her fury’s crossfire, or worse, get attached. But when her escape fails, no amount of bloody-knuckled plans can save her from dying at her foster father’s hands.
She wakes in the sprawling forest, revived and unwounded — but Banter’s second chance comes at a cost. Not only is the town infested with spectral parasites, Andy’s death birthed a monster of her own. Nightingales tail each resurrected kid and keep them imprisoned within Banter’s borders, a purgatory Andy is dead set on escaping with the help of Marcelo and the rest of the town’s undead teens. Despite Marcelo’s frigidity, lies about his countless deaths, and Andy’s desperate attempts to stay distant, she finds her affection for him and the other kids growing as her stubborn investigations unearth decades-buried evidence about Banter and its monsters.
But old habits die hard, and Andy’s self-sufficiency traps her more than even her Nightingale. When a new foster placement threatens to rip away Lyla, the only kid left alive, Andy must bring the truth of her abuse — and her own fury-guarded fears — to light before her last chance at a family is buried for good.
KIDS DON’T DIE IN BANTER is a 79k YA Paranormal/Contemporary Fantasy novel that combines the lush yet decaying writing of Krystal Sutherland’s House of Hollow with the ghostly purgatory of C.L. Herman’s The Devouring Gray. It appeals to readers of aroace & queer-platonic love stories, and [agent personalization].
I’m a suburban Minnesotan. Like Andy, I’m autistic, aromantic, and asexual — call that triple-A! My time in DBT (Dialectical Behavior Therapy) helped guide the characters’ development with C-PTSD and other trauma, while the Nightingales were birthed from my undying dream to befriend a murder of crows (oh, and heal my inner child).
Thank you for your consideration.
Sincerely,
First & Last Name
XXXXXXXXXXXX[ First 300 Words ]XXXXXXXXXXXXXX
The only thing stopping Andy from throwing the world’s filthiest right hook is the plastic around her bloody knuckles.
The trash bag crinkles as her fist tightens. Concrete scuffs beneath her combat boots, summer heat bleeding through her jacket. It’s nowhere near as molten as the blood rushing past her ears, muffling her social worker’s new-house spiel and the faint whisper of pines.
“—and as I mentioned, she may need… special attention.”
Andy’s eyes narrow as the world comes back into focus — and right now, that world is confined to a stranger’s doorstep, Andy’s trash bag of clothes, and her social worker’s words floating in the humid slush of air. The feeling’s not unknown, far from it. Hell, it’s so familiar it might as well be family.
“I read her file. Flight risk?” remarks the man at the door. The garbage bag wails for mercy as Andy’s fingernails dig into it. Its pleas don’t escape the man’s notice, and with a smirk he adds, “Well. Fight risk, too, I suppose.”
Andy’s teeth carve into her tongue, fighting back a retort. Blood floods her mouth as she wrenches her gaze to the open door. Dusty floorboards. No toys from the other supposed kids. Metal pop-tabs glint beneath the fridge where they’ve been kicked. Not from a pop addiction, that’s for sure.
The man shifts to block her view, and Andy meets his eyes and lets her split lip curl. He doesn’t look anything like her blood father, a small mercy. Andy’s black, short-cropped hair hasn’t been trimmed for months, but it’s still tidier than the man’s stringy, red-tinged strands. They’re nearly eye-to-eye in height, and if Andy was feeling particularly wild, she could throw a fantastic punch into his snake-gray eyes.
I’d love to. But that’s not quite the plan.

I’ve been in therapy for several years now. My shame about myself and for existing has been SO bad that I didn’t even recognize I people please until now. I didn’t think I was a good enough person to even be capable of people pleasing or carrying other’s burdens. I really thought that I was too evil and selfish for that.
But now I’m realizing I do. My mom’s own shame and her childhood wounds she never healed. And Jesus my dad. My dad is an abusive narcissist and a pedophile. I carry shame for when he told me I’m just like him and all of the times I was belittled, ignored, fucking neglected my entire childhood. I carry his burning self hatred he has for himself because he tried so hard to make sure I should hate myself that much too. I was the scapegoat and I don’t know if I will ever get over that.
I’m realizing this now as I’ve made friends for the first time as an adult (I’m 23 so I made no friends in college due to the pandemic, been a weird time). Yesterday we hung out and my friends told me I’m worthy and I broke down sobbing. Later I kept apologizing for just taking up space basically (not literally but things I didn’t need to apologize for) and my friend just held my hand and said “you’re safe.” Oof. Oh my god that fucking got me. Just those two words. I just feel so damn broken

I have recently evolved my beliefs in the last 5-6 years where I no longer consider myself religious, in regards to religious beliefs while also just considering myself spiritual.
I do not follow a title of what I am or anything, but believe in my soul that it's important to do meaningful celebrations and traditions that align with my lifestyle, values, personal beliefs in order to honor my personhood and a healthy balance of ensuring I don't self-abandon myself.
I don't want to put myself into a box ever again, so I just focus on being intuned with myself.
I now think that life is just way too short to do stuff just because that's how you were raised or was taught to do.
I've overcome a lot of religious abuse as well as the mindset in which I was raised and that of my origin family. Some of my most traumatic life experiences happened on the account of my 'upbringing', the beliefs I was raised to believe, a result of religious abuse and generational trauma, where those dogmatic scriptures, beliefs and texts led me to continually go down roads that did not protect me for the simple fact that they pushed 'self-sacrifice' and 'religious-pleasing lifestyles' that do not compliment, protect, and support positive outcomes for women, and sometimes children. I was taught to just do it because that's what the religion inspires, or what the social constructs say to do.
It did not help that I just didn't know any better-I've let go the regret of this innocent ignorance and grief that it initially brought on. Looking back, I cringe at the decisions, choices, and 'enduring' I had survived from that awful upbringing-I now recognize that as, the 'hidden abuse' for a good internal family image-that I too was not aware of until recently, and just the disgusting dysfunctional family dynamic that has revealed itself since I've started to slash those generational curses.
I was abused by one parent growing up by the way, and told the other who did nothing but 'took ME to my extended family's church'. They never stopped it, protected me or stood up for me. Now, much later in adulthood I'm realizing that both of them were abusive, just in different ways and I understand my psycho-emotional disconnect from them and my origin family in general because I spoke up when it happened, even later in early adulthood and I never realized the pattern of describing me as 'dramatic' or continually trying to treat me like a child despite my very grown-up adult age, were and is their way of trying to force suppression of my voice, independence, growth, healness, and strength.
My other siblings are dismissive and become extremely argumentative or defensive of our 'loving parents' with any mention of how we grew up, or verbally attack me/talk about me to other family members like I'm the one with the issues with any effort I put forth to ask questions of why and to hold them accountable, or to just disassociate with an image I know is false, have my own life and live truly as a loving and peaceful person, or even just enforce the boundaries that I need that provide safety and continual psycho, emotional, mental, and antimanipulative protection.
I've finally realized that my growth, healness, counseling and the completion of my adult therapy program was and is a threat to the fake image they've all created after all these years. I did not tell them that I've done the work and have finally woke up from this reality due to therapy, because they don't know my current life business and just speculate and make up rumors and assumptions about me and what I have going on or why I'm 'acting' the way I'm 'acting' as truth, without ever even trying to even talk to me or not just assumes someone's continual triangulation is even the truth.
I am at peace, extremely successful and have overcome many things that would typically break the average person. Any reinforcement of boundaries, standing up for myself or attempt to distance myself from my parents since realizing how f'd up they did me when this was happening-even with my forgiving them for this throughout my life.
However, the older I get, when they continue to display the same patterns that were present during the abuse, now, including the thought of why did I even allow them a relationship with me in my life as an adult-because I get so disgusted with even the thought I'd ever allow a child to be abused by my spouse and let alone, stay married to them for decades afterwards. I can't believe I invited them to my wedding and we were the 'loving' bride's side...why was I so like "this is my family and we love each other, we're a close happy family" in my adulthood so long still? Until I woke up? There's so much I've since resolved with my therapist and have done the work to heal from-these are just questions to share the process I went through for insight. Also---It's really pathetic when I think about how different of a compassionate and truly loving person that I've become. I couldn't even fathom...but here's more of how all my realizations have led me to where I am now:
I am SO glad that I am the VERY manifestation of 'WHEN you know BETTER, you DO better'...oh how the magicalness and bravery of individuals like Maya Angelou, Terrance Howard, and other past/currently alive ascended masters, who did and are leaving the breadcrumbs that nourish the souls of humanity on Earth today... The awakening and true freedom of thought and consciousness of myself has not only changed, but has elevated my existence, and my life.
I now experience the divine nature of love and revelation on a spiritual level that has brought abundance to me in every way and at every level.
I've done so much work, healing, therapy, service, reflection and growth, that the peace I feel daily, is what I never imagined happiness would be like.
To purely love and evolve as I truly am and meant to be, it's frustrating when the one group who we're taught is supposed to 'really' be your people, have been everything but that.
In the last 4 years, my life before now had been turned upside-down. In retrospect from now, I see why, as it had catapulted me into the healed, peaceful and abundant life that I have now.
...But, when everything started to happen, I really thought they were there for me. I went to them for guidance and advice-I hadn't awakened to my newfound wisdom-filled reality at this point yet-and they appeared caring, so I thought...
I went to them because I thought they were the only people in my life by this point, who truly loved me 'unconditionally'. Much happened. I took some of their advice in the very beginning, but at the same time I started to remember who the ... I am...and it was on and popping from there, Baby!
From the multiple crises that I'd found myself in all those years ago: I went to therapy, did counseling, shadow work and started reparenting my inner child. I journaled and started to meditate and the answers flowed through me. I allowed the plan for my life to take shape and one after another, I started to solve my problems, so gracefully, all while growing, healing, and finding the peace that I had in my life before these many situations developed. However, it was on a whole other level, an intrinsic peace that scaffolded into a snowball of peace in every area I've ever struggled.
In the last year though, I have survived what I would consider my dark night of the soul and I feel remembered, like, renewed into the person I always had been, but wasn't aware of until now.
I now have strong boundaries that not only protect me, but they also hold me accountable to gracefully standing up for myself, my own personhood, my values, my beliefs, and that which keep me committed to the lessons I learned so painfully over these last few years, just from the 'not knowing any better' and...whew...religion, patriarchy, and so much more of how I was raised that pain-wrenchingly just set me up for failure in this life, if I never had made a change.
I'm SO happy I learned about just how all these constructs and societal blockages were NOT for my flourishing in life, on my own. Finally, the realization.
The more healed, awakened, and spiritual I became, the more I realized the family system that I was raised in, saw me as a threat. Looking back, so much of what I went through and was done to me was beyond messed up and downright wrong and abusive.
So now, there's this awkwardness of not knowing the true extent of the abuse in how I was raised...
...I did try to call out the obvious stuff as I got older, but I didn't understand that I was covertly bullied and gaslit when I tried to stand up originally...I was always told I need to 'forgive and forget'...and what would ... do? And... 'as a .... we are here to love thy neighbor...' bluh blue bluh...-My whole life, I didn't realize that I was the family scapegoat until 2024.
No matter how much I tried with the things I knew were outwardly morally wrong then, it wasn't until therapy that anyone in addition to myself validated my experiences; that abuse is abuse, every last form of it, and it doesn't matter in what context it happens: religious or political and about 20 other different forms, is not okay...
-So back to the awkwardness of having this lifelong 'close family' that I once thought was so strong and healthy, loving, both parents still together and 'in love', all 8 siblings with decent relationships, my whole life...UNTIL I LITERALLY woke up within the last year to REALIZE how JACKED UP they were and are. Thinking back to all the times I was not supported or protected, I was the one in the family, out of all 10 who was ever truly genuine, purely intentioned, loved unconditionally...and had no complex with CONTROL...just, it was just me...
Ask me how I know...
The very situations I've found myself in these last 6 years, when I deconstructed from all things religious and political or anti-dignity, when I started to stand up against things without fear, that were not okay, or for the true safety and benefit of humanity of living beings...EVERYTHING started to crumble and I BECAME public energy number one in my origin family. At first it was covert while they 'mistakenly forgot my boundaries' or 'didn't know what I'm doing now'...or the 'assuming and then making up their own thing and spreading the lie-behind my back"...
Also, any attempt to speak up and honor the abuse and neglect in childhood that I've overcome and have healed from and ask simple acknowledgment for from my parents, turns into excessive triangulation bringing everyone into the mix (again, in the shadows without my knowledge and behind my back), to point out my downfalls I literally just overcome and healed from these last 4 years, and then continue making up lies about me, spreading false rumors to extended family I don't engage with, don't have a relationship with, or whom I've cut off for being too toxic never changing... making more false grandiose accusations, saying I've talked about or down about people, made claims that I'm better than everyone, that it's all about me...etc...literally because all I did was reiterate my boundaries I've set, called people out for it, who have done toxic things to me. This is in addition to being accused of being all kinds of things because I've 'distanced' myself (from people who are not kind to me and who talk about me behind my back and have called me cruel names for calling them out on the toxic behavior they display towards me for being my own person and holding my ground on my own decisions as a full 30+ year old adult with my own family).
-I literally have a ~8+ minute voice-mail of an origin family member talking to someone about the hardships I've survived in the last 6 years because they unknowingly butt-dailed me last month and I received it and haven't confronted them yet, because I know it'll be a waste of time).
They have everyone sharing lies about me between the family, calling me after not hearing from them for months and trying to start arguments over nonexistent issues we've never had, taking a statement out of context and championing as a 'see see see she's doing this or that to me when they are the one calling me out of the blue (after already having done previous things to me that I yet again addressed and was ignored about, never chaning the behavior or apologizing) and trying to start stuff with me while I was minding my own business...
...all this from a recent holiday that I no longer celebrate that they're fully aware of.
They know I'm no longer religious, I have different beliefs and values now and instead of respecting it, they spread rumors, accusations, lies, unproven opinions, attempting various forms of triangulation to target me.
What makes it worse is that my relationship with my parents are so strained. They both took part in the abuse I suffered as a child. Being that I thought I had a really good relationship with one of them until this recent realization (I realized recently that they both were guilty, not just the one who committed it, the other always acted like they didn't know-but they did and admitted it recently). No say strained is an understatement honestly, but I had trying to at least be LC because of their relationship with my own family I've had since adulthood.
However, it was becoming increasingly difficult to even be around their religious talk and 'fake I love all my neighbors, I practice the daily religious routines everyday and read the text daily I'm so devout' act...
On the outside they look like they are just the epitome of devout faith individuals and they are living in according to what religious dogma aim for, all while secretly knowing what they did and allowed in our household-all my memories are very clear to this day, especially since I've awakened.
First Xmas was an issue even though that was a boundary for me. I suggested they were welcomed to celebrate the winter solstice with me, they declined, and I respected that. I offered a nice dinner the week beforehand as an alternative.
Then it was Easter, I declined (as I've reminded them that I hold different beliefs and values now which have really cultivated my lifestyle being different from theirs now, and reminded them that it is not difficult for me to respect their beliefs and values; that I expect the same level of respect from them). As an alternative, since they too were interested in celebrating for a totally different holiday/celebration, as I honor the spring solstice, I suggested a nice lunch on a regular unanchored day to any meaning, and to drive to the country and have a day of exploration where we could end with a dessert picnic on a rolling hill in the place I mentioned. They declined.
Since fully coming out the spiritual closet, most of my origin family has either lied about their communication service being interrupted, they have to work-most don't have jobs, or that they are so busy in their schedules, but are on social media all day-secretly being judgemental talking about people in general (strangers on the internet) who are in very difficult life/hard personal situations where they judge them based on the patriarchal and religious dogma we were raised in. It's really sad to me I have no more interest in engaging with negative people.
But what's really pathetic is they make up rumors and lies about me and start drama for my having my own separate lifestyle now everytime a national political holiday (tied to some form of historical trauma) or a religious holiday comes around as they (mentally try to) attack me because I didn't celebrate or 'honor' them-all while not knowing I have proof of every last one of them talking about me badly behind my back with lies and/or spreading rumors about me that aren't true. Literally.
The last straw was the most recent holiday, not calling or contacting them because I refuse to have or remind them for the 1,000,000th time about that boundary and standing up for my beliefs-it's so exhausting.
There's nothing wrong with wanting to live around positive, encouraging and accepting people who live by love and honoring everyone's humanity no matter their religion, gender, sex, background, status, etc...and just being kind to people in general, as long as they're not murdering or harming others (outside of self defense, like TRUE self-defense and not the kind cruel people try to use as a cover to inflict harm), everyone has a right to believe in and have the values that make them feel safe and whole.
Long story short, I know I am not the AH for standing my ground and protecting my personhood and that NO ONE on earth is entitled to what I believe, value, or what I choose to celebrate or not.
*I'd like to add a note that I have done especially deep, caring, loving, and acknowledgingly beautiful actions throughout every year my whole entire life and not just since this recent change in these last few years, like 12-20 times a year.
I no longer try to keep explaining or trying to defend why I'm defending myself against disrespect and people who are not gentle towards me like I've been with them throughout my life, always there, always the one to support.
I just do not care anymore, if I have to be along or start my (chosen) family this time around, I will. I just despise drama and toxicity. I will not let it permeate into the peaceful life I've fault to build.
(Thank you if you've made it this far)
-The Recently Realized Family Scapegoat and origin family generational curse-breaker

My daughter just finished 9th grade and started summer break. She is 15, very happy and confident, proud, and fun-loving. She has friends her own age, crushes her own age, and is overall enjoying an absolute opposite childhood than I had. It continues to be my priority to be a present mother and be involved everyday so she knows I am there, I care, and our home is a very safe haven.
It was the summer of 1995 when I was 15. I had already experienced many traumatic events up to that point and had a very volatile home life that I regularly escaped from. I felt untethered to my mother and home. That summer, the 38 year old man who gave me my white chip at my first AA meeting, statutory raped me and that is how I lost my virginity. I told my AA sponsor who was a grown woman, and eventually my older sister, and my mother who was married to a cop at the time... My self-worth was non-existent and I didn't seem to care that no one did anything about this predator.
I bring that up because I have learned... it's not just what happens to you, but how your caregivers react/repairespond. When i got sober again much later in life in my late 30s, this hit me like a ton of bricks.
Fast forward to now, my child entering this summer break at that same age... I always kinda had this feeling that I just needed to get her through age 15 safely. But Since summer break began friday I have had a little cry every day and a little panic the two times she has done things outside the house this wknd. My rules are intense, i repeat myself, i am strict, and i apologize for my intensity to her. She knows a little of my story and why I am so careful with her and cautious. But i dont want to instill my fear in her. I need to get it together.
I have been in and out of therapy my whole life and find comfort in gentle yoga and security in my sobriety. Someone told me the communities on reddit were supportive. This is my first post.
This world feels so unsafe. I know I can't protect my daughter from eveything all the time, but I sure the hell will try.

I will do my best to summarize. I have tried posting here before but it’s difficult for me to write everything out. I was in a car accident about 5 months ago. Other driver’s fault. At time of accident I was on a day off from work, employed as a hospital Audio Visual technician. I am a career musician and teacher but Covid made all of that very difficult. Up until Covid I had been running my own music school, teaching full time and working as a creative musician. When Covid hit I switched to remote teaching and taught over 3,000 remote lessons before I realized it wasn’t sustainable in this new world. I worked a couple hard jobs In warehouses and landscaping prior to finding work in a hospital. I’m grateful for this job as I was able to have insurance. The car accident left me with my right thumb badly torn at the base, a bad concussion, whiplash and a knee injury I’m about to have surgery for, torn meniscus. I’ve been limping this whole time and can’t walk without a brace. I’ve had over 70 therapy appointments since accident(hand,speech, vision, behavioral, PT, OT).
My brain injury has left me with impaired vision which I am awaiting prism glasses for. I have had therapy for hand, speech, vision, neck, back , etc. My nausea and headaches remain. I quit drinking alcohol about 2 1/2 years ago but since accident I feel hungover every morning. I go to bed by 9:30pm every night. I hardly have any motivation or interest in music now. It’s like every passion I had for art has dissipated and replaced with confusion and grief for my former self. I can barely handle household sounds when my wife is home and bright light is still very hard to tolerate. I’m about to get switched to Cobra and I don’t think I have much time left before my job security expires. Fortunately I hired a personal injury attorney. My attorney has had to hold off until my medical care was complete. I had to have an IME for insurance last week.
At this point it’s hard to wrap my head around returning to my AV hospital job in any capacity. I have been practicing some instruments like flute and piano but it’s hard to enjoy my main instruments like electric guitar and other instruments I used to play loud. A couple days after my accident I was contacted by a very well known artist who wanted to hire me for electric guitar recording sessions. I told him about my recent injury and that was it. He probably thinks I’m unavailable period now. I might not have another opportunity like that now.
When I make any music now it feels 100% for me. It feels unnecessary to even release my finished productions now. I used to be so excited to release a song or album and share with the world. Now I just don’t care. I definitely cannot teach music anymore and the idea of playing gigs doesn’t even make sense. I used to play jazz and experimental gigs every week and lived in Chicago and NYC. My teachers had been in bands with Miles Davis and Sonny Rollins. My friends are all full time musicians. I have a hard time relating to them now.
I could go on and on. It’s very challenging to stay positive. I spend a lot of time sitting and thinking in silence. It’s been 5 months though. Prior to accident my wife and I planned a two week trip to Ireland. We are going at the end of June. I am looking forward to it and am grateful for my wife and her positivity and patience. When I return I will have knee surgery and will resume rebuilding my life as best I can. I am accepting that I am a new person now and the past is gone. I am lucky to still be here. I have a new outlook now and do not associate my entire identity with being a musician or artist. These are just things I enjoyed before and spent so much time with they became a part of me. In some ways they feel more a part of me now than before my brain injury. Now I do not feel any desire at all to perform or show anyone that I possess these skills. It used to be my whole life and now it feels like how I used to play basketball in middle school.
I feel so nauseous now I might not leave the house today. People who don’t struggle with TBI don’t understand how difficult it is to just appear positive in general. “Try to have a good day and enjoy the nice weather.” I get this sort of advice a lot and I have just started to ignore it. People think they are being helpful but a lot of times it comes off sounding like the annoying man asking the pretty lady why she doesn’t smile more.
I don’t know what else to say. Thank you for reading. Everyone’s posts have been helping me a lot lately. You’re not alone.

... so I'm very new to everything. I appreciate this sub - reading the posts has been so helpful. Thank you all!
This last week has been an absolute roller coaster ride of emotions. After years of therapy (which were phenomenally successful for me), I thought I was finally on an even keel. Nope. Reiki has peeled back another layer to expose the next one.
Here's my question: Those of you who had emotional and/or mental upheaval after your second attunement, how did it resolve? Was it just time? Did you do Reiki on yourself daily, and did that help? (I have been doing self treatments often, while not daily, and I do have tears and emotion during them, especially over my heart chakra.) I'm just wondering what will help the most.
As an aside, I did have very powerful experiences during both attunements. I didn't expect them at all.

I started taking estrogen and progesterone a month and a half ago and I feel quite different. I have a bit of an increase in energy, my brain fog is almost entirely gone, I am way less irritable, I am more confident, I don't want to die 90% of the time. I am happy about this, however it's given me some deep distrust.
My daughter had to grow up with a mother who had regular panic attacks, who was so spaces out you'd think I was in psychosis, our house was so gross because I was so exhausted, I screwed so many things up for her because my brain was gone... The list goes on.
I missed my daughter for all of this. I wanted so bad to connect to her and I truly did my best, but I just couldn't. I missed years of playing and teaching her things and showing patience I believe kids should receive. My daughter now has pretty severe anxiety and is always worried about me. She absolutely hates leaving me for anything now - even for bedtime.
It makes me realize that my mom went through this with a less supportive husband and a society that wasn't as open now. My younger self was really damaged by my mom's menopause.
My husband had to work and do much of the housework - I didn't work and tried to parent the best as I could, but just couldn't do as much as I should have. He is still so good about it, but he didn't deserve that.
I worked as an artist and art teacher - it had its difficulties and I wasn't rolling in the dough, but it was the dream and I was building up my teaching program and career, but I had to quit. My brain couldn't organize anything and I was so emotional it made me crazy. So... I had signed up to get my teaching certificate to teach elementary school. On the bright side I will now have enough brain power to finish school.
I was virtually insane. I almost ended up in the mental ward of our hospital. I've spent 6 years in therapy thinking that it was all in my head.
How did this get missed? I got put on different drugs to try to fix my brain - each one meant I gained 10lbs coming on or off of them and more mental instability. I asked to get hormones tested more than once. They explained that the hormone tests couldn't possibly detect perimenopause. I eventually demanded it and he's like 'oh yeah, you're either in or very close to menopause '. WTF?!?
I did find out that I have ADHD, which in retrospect was always there so that was a small win in this, but seriously... The last 6 or so years caused me to lose my dream career, burn bridges, lose years of my daughter's youth, cause damage to my daughter, hurt my husband and get unhealthily fat... The list goes on and on. Because of some doctor who thought he knew what was best for me so didn't even give me my fucking options!
It wasn't just one doctor though. My doctor changed through this and it was the same from my previous doctor who was a woman. So as much as I'm angry about my current doc, it isn't justified just for him - I'm angry at a whole system.

Hi everyone! I’m 34F, next week I have my first infusion with assisted therapy for what feels like lifelong CPTSD (presenting as chronic depression, su-c-dality, profound lack of self worth affecting every area of my life, multiple su…de attempts, isolation, anxiety, ED, Social phobia etc, the list goes on). Tried tons of different therapies and medication, and while it got a lot better I still struggle profoundly.
I harbour hope for the ketamine treatment and I’m very ready and motivated to put in the work. I’m trying hard to let go of the desperation (“if this doesn’t help I’m done for it, there is nothing left for me”) because I don’t want to live this way any longer (I lived this way my whole life), but I’m so scared it is not going to help especially with these things

• lack of self worth severely impacting social interactions/relationships. Spent my whole life isolated (parental neglect), had to re-learn most social interaction and relationship basics as adult. Year long severe social phobia. Nowadays when my brain thinks people around me are superior (more beautiful/successful/energetic/chatty/funny whatever else), I complete shut down in conversation and turn absolutely mute (for hours, until I can escape the situation). Suffice to say it makes being with people/having relationships so difficult.
• grief for a decade lost to depression and attempts, during which if I’d been healthy i could’ve achieved so much, instead I’m this shell who is like this because I focused on survival. There’s a lot of bitterness/grief, constantly stuck on “if I’d been healthy…”
• my general profound lack of self worth which evidently ties into every area of my life cos I never feel good enough for anything/anyone.
• self hate for my appearance. Body dysmorphia makes me unable to function in certain situations (swimming, certain lighting, going outside without glasses despite I don’t need them, mirrors).

How do I tackle these while still remaining open for whatever experience I will have? I do want to be open for whatever it will be, as my therapist said that was important.
And question too: “work” in this context is doing therapy, maybe journaling or meditating or whatever else I experience as healing right?

4 months ago, I had a sudden break up with the person I thought was my soulmate. Before that, since College, I've had many episodes of depression and anxiety and weeks before he broke up with me,I was already starting to spiral back into depression. The break up triggered it more, I became suicidal and I honestly thought I was gonna lose my mind. Despite that, I still wanted to get better it seems because I started seeking help from professionals and accepted all the support from the people around me. I was also very vocal about my feelings and even my suicidal thoughts. For 4 months I've been going to therapy and taking meds and I was able to manage it so far. Recently I reached out to my ex and his response was something that triggered me again and I again lost all logic, and acted on my emotions again. After that, I realized the problem is me. I see how I affect the people that loves and supports me, I see how I worry and hurt them, specially my parents, yet it's not enough for me to want to keep living and endure. I am selfish, and I self sabotage. I'm not giving myself the right affirmations to help myself. I am refusing to do so and that I am incapable of change. I don't want to keep hurting the people around me, I don't want to keep them with me as I go through this cycle over and over. So the only way I see to break that cycle is to end my life. This time, I don't want to seek help anymore. I know therapy could help but I don't want to go anymore. I don't want to vocalize my feelings anymore. I don't want to endure the pain anymore. A part of me wants to tell them that I am feeling this way, but I can't bring myself to do so. It's like I don't want anyone to sway me away from my plans. So I guess that's why I'm telling everything here instead.

My SO addiction is sports videos and athletes.beach volleyball, women’s diving, water polo, swimmers, etc. When I say addiction I mean I have caught him so many times self pleasuring to a sexy sports video with butts on full display. He has lied and hidden it time and time again. Then he looks these women up on Instagram etc. I have told him time and time again how it makes me feel as they are doing their jobs not planning on some guy getting off to them. He switched out a porn addiction for something else. In therapy he finally admitted to once a week but I know it’s more. Also, he won’t admit it’s an addiction. We were intimate yesterday evening and I caught him at 3 am hiding in the laundry room on my college use laptop he purchased for me on private mode watching video after video. I caught him before he could ex out. In therapy he said he doesn’t understand why it upsets me. He loves me, he is attracted to me and it doesn’t mean he wants anything else and that swimsuits have always been a turn on and he self soothes with it but he is ashamed etc. I’m so over all of it. It’s like even if you do the things you are supposed to with your SO they still go to their vices.

I feel so alone and please don't tell me to go to therapy I am in therapy it still hurts. It still hurts seeing how every man I have been with has always turned around and became a better man for another woman while they treated me like shit. It hurts that I am self aware and I know why I feel this way but nothing can be done it hurts. I just don't want to feel like this anymore I want to love myself and feel like some type of happiness but I am scared. I am scared that no matter how much I want to find happiness I won't and I'll die and I never experience it. I hate this it's so stupid I feel pathetic but I just idk I can't talk about with anyone because they say the same things and it doesn't work. Idk what will work nothing works I don't want to feel like this anymore I tried hobbies i am currently working myself to death working 2 jobs it's not working I still feel alone. I still cry when I think of him. I still feel these stupid feelings that I want to go away I want it all to go away I want to be heartless. I don't want to feel this way anymore and you know what sucks most people who feel like me probably drink or smoke the pain away. None of that works for me because I know there is no amount of alcohol that is going to take this pain away it will be right there when I sober up omg how can I live like this I just I want to feel normal I want to love myself and just live my life but no matter how much I accomplish it feel like it's all for nothing.

I’ve been dealing with mental health issues for 6+ years. Meaning I’ve been on and off of therapists. I used to have major depression and wouldn’t take care of myself or leave bed or even eat. I had anemia at this time and was struggling health wise due to my depression. I was living with my parents and was a teenager but I didn’t get a therapist till I told them I was having suicidal thoughts. I had asked them for one prior to the situation getting so dire but my parents don’t get me medical care unless I was close to death due to how expensive and cumbersome it is. I had no friends, just recently switched schools due to my perceived failure. This isolation was the crux of my issue. I spent so much time alone that I felt like life was meaningless. It was too much pain to have to live through every day. Fast forward to now, I can take care of myself and I am not depressed I don’t think. However I still feel really awful some days. I feel very existential about life and believe I don’t have what it takes to simply survive. Paying bills, feeding myself, developing relationships. It all feels like too much some days. I’m in a relationship and I found out I have a lot of triggers due to my past. Hardcore irrational jealousy that manifested into me controlling my partner at times. I downward compare myself to my partner and feel like shit due to their success and I become bitter. I feel like they could leave at any minute and find someone better looking and more successful than me, leaving me all alone again. This is deteriorating our relationship and I love this person. Since I love them it makes me hate myself when I would argue and curse about coworkers at their job I’m threatened by. I struggle with productivity, I just lay in bed all day. I start my job in 2 months so I’ve wanted to work on my personal projects but wow I feel so useless. Especially when I see my partner doing so much more than me every day. I don’t feel suicidal anymore because I know the impact it’ll have on others around me but I also don’t feel like I live for myself. Family and my partner is all I have rn and I should be grateful for it. I am very grateful I have that, I guess I’m just not happy with myself. I’ve been in therapy consistently for almost a year. It doesn’t feel like my self image is changing. I have body images, self hate, I cringe at the thought of telling myself good job or I’m proud of you. I’m just struggling and feel like it’ll never end.

TL;DR: how do I help my gay friend take part or find a community in NY (nyc or Long Island)? I have no idea where to post this so forgive me if this is incorrect.
I have a childhood friend who is always openly venting to me that they are tired of being alone, working toward nothing, and just suffers from plain old low self esteem. I’m sure we’ve felt this way at some point in our lives (and coped) but he has been in the same rut for years. He came out 10 years ago as gay, but I’ve never seen him actively try for to go on a date with someone. I’ve recommended therapy due to the wonders it did for me during COVID, but he’s declined. I haven’t been pushy because I feel like it’s not my place, but now he’s asking if I could accompany him to gay parties / events. I’m 100% down to be a wingman, but he hasn’t even tried to give me dates, locations, etc. it’s as though he wants me to plan this as well (all my life whenever I go somewhere and he wants to tag along I’ve had to plan everything). I’m open to helping him take the step, but I’m hoping my pride pals can help here? We are located in NYC and there are a ton of events (especially now), but frankly I’m overwhelmed with the number of events. Nor would I know what would be good for him?
My wife and other friends go to rpdr watch parties, drag shows, D&D, but he skips these events. Even going to the parade makes him nervous (though he has acquiesed). Idk what to do. Any advice?

Hi, 26M here.
In 2018 I started to develop very intense chronic sinusitis (which seems to have been triggered by a sudden hardcore allergy to dustmites/dust)
I started desensibilization to help with the allergy, but treatment takes around 2/3 years.
Other sinusitis medications didn't really helped with the symptoms because I always came back to some kind of "baseline" of being exhausted all the time with very intense and constant migraines/headaches.
So my life was basically put on pause between 2018 and 2020 were I kind of "waited" for it to pass, living with the headache / eye pain almost all the time and sleeping 13h a day.
The pain stopped at the end of 2020, and was happily followed by 2 years of intense depression, depersonnalisation and derealisation due to me "coming back to life" and dealing with the trauma of those 2 years of intense pain and lost time.
Today I'm better (following years of different kinds of therapy and self care), have built a life I'm happy with and caught up on the missed years.
I got surgery (meatotomy) and had confirmation and proof that I had no structural issue in that area, my sinuses are healthy and I can breathe normally.
I've also done every medical checkup you could think of (blood sample, scanners...) and nothing is wrong.
However... Something is still f** wrong.
Doesn't matter how good my sleep, life, physical activity, social life is, It feels like there's a strong physical "haze" in the area of my eyes and forehead, as if I was hungover or jetlagged. This is often couple with overall fatigue and a lack of energy.
It is especially present when i'm outside in the sunlight, where every stimulus feels like it's too much and overwhelming, even though i've been back in real life and the outside world for 2 years
I've explored many forms of medicine, from conventional to alternative, (nutrition, sport, shrink, wim hof method, breathwork, ifs, mindbody medicine...) but nothing seem to really work in the long term and I get lost in the different 'paradigms' of seeing the problem
I used to think it was a symptom of depression, but the haze is always here even when I feel good and happy, and I feel anxiety and depressive mood whenever i'm having this haze instead of the other way around (for example when i'm outside and having a good time with friends, I will fill the haze kind of ruining the moment, and my body seems to just want to rest and close his eyes instead of being present here and now)
Obviously I'm still working and trying differents forms of treatments and therapies to understand what is happening, but i'm urious to have some feedback from you guys ;)
Thanks a lot

Hi all. Long time listener, first time caller. On mobile so sorry for whatever that causes that I see other people frequently apologize for. Formatting?
This is going to be a lot long, apologies in advance. I have suffered from PTSD/CPTSD, GAD, and treatment resistant major depressive disorder for most of my teenage and adult life, or at least that's what the diagnoses are. I'm 34, bio female.
I lived a rough home life and moved out at 16, was homeless for a while at 17. This is just to say that I did have bad things going on, so the problems were not completely internal. But then I got a place and a job and my boyfriend at the time eventually stopped being physically abusive (not making any excuses, he was a bag of shit), but my life was going relatively smoothly at the moment, though still a bunch of unresolved trauma of course. Then thing kept getting worse mentally. Quit my job, went on disability, lost the ability to leave the house, and then after six months almost bed bound and two weeks of non stop crying I started my first antidepressant. Back story over, I promise.
I started with mirtazapine which worked wonders at the beginning. It gradually lost its effect, raised the dose until we couldn't anymore. Tried escitalopram and serroquil, couldn't handle the immediate side effects and didn't wait the weeks to let the meds start to work. For info escitalopram made the physical symptoms of anxiety go into overdrive (mostly racing heart) and serroquil made me unspeakably angry. I'd try escitalopram again, I feel at the time I didn't have the recreational drug experience to just ride it out. I do now.
Stayed on mirtazapine for over ten years, it clearly wasn't doing anything for me though. Was just afraid to stop or try something new. Spent a few years self medicating with coke and mdma while holding a job that I loved and was literally living my best life, and I was so functional! My job was abnormal and let me work when I could, I knew I still couldn't handle 9-5 5/7, but I was happy. In this time I'd also tried a lot of therapy.
Some time before the pandemic I stopped using recreational drugs, and then my work closed because pandemic. I started to really slip back down. My partner (at the time and now) had also done some retraumatizing due to his coke addiction (why we both stopped, he was never abusive, just lied about stuff, and is the most amazing partner now). I started Zoloft. The first day I felt like I had taken a bunch of M, spent half the day freaking out until reddit told me I wasn't alone. Zoloft worked wonders for me. Until after about a year, and it stopped.
Since then, we've tried abilify as an addition to the Zoloft (also really helped at first, then stopped). Keeping the abilify, I have also tried wellbutrin (did nothing, not even a side effect), Prozac (was effing allergic, boo), citalopram, and just tapered off citalopram and started Effexor. Also got rid of the abilify about a month ago because I couldn't afford it and I didn't feel it was doing much, and I'm not missing it. Taper from both citalopram and abilify was very manageable.
This whole time I've also had lorazepam to manage anxiety emergencies, and it has always been extremely useful when I need it.
I have also spent the last few years trying to get an adhd diagnosis, to limited avail. My psychiatrist finally gave in, told me I'd "jumped through enough hoops", and I started Adderall over two months ago. It has allowed me, for the most part, to get my shit done without feeling overwhelmed and shutting down.
Now here are my thoughts/questions (finally, I am so sorry). Except for the brief periods when I started mirtazapine and then later Zoloft, I have felt this background glumness that pervades everything. I think it's emotional bunting, except I am fully capable of feeling bad things if I'm drunk. I'm also tired of the weight gain and sexual dysfunction. I feel like I'm at the end of my rope with antidepressants (I once thought I'd be on them forever). I no longer know where my baseline mental health is and what are actually constant side effects/withdrawal from ssris/snris. I tried a couple years ago to wait a month on nothing between Zoloft and wellbutrin (my doctor made me keep the abilify) and it got really bad. But the withdrawal from Zoloft was so bad (brain zaps, intense paranoia, SI, intense moods) that I feel like I didn't get past that hump. And now with the Effexor, I slept in the other day and took my pill 5 hours late and was a mess all day with vertigo and really low mood. I'm tired of the mental and physical toll antidepressants have taken on me.
Now that I have the Adderall and can function, I'm wondering how much of my depression/anxiety was coming from just not being able to get through my regular responsibilities and self care without drowning. I can do these things now, and I havey lorazepam for anxiety/PTSD emergencies.
I have an appointment with my doctor next week where I plan to discuss all of this but, what do you guys think. Is there a chance the antidepressants have just been making me worse? I clearly have trauma but could untreated ADHD have caused a lot of the major depressive symptoms? Is it worth it to try to stop them altogether (I'm on the min dose of Effexor as of two weeks ago, no abilify) and just keep going with the Adderall. Is it possible to stop them completely but maybe go back on them for shorter periods if I'm having an MDD episode? Hell is it worth it to just quit antidepressants and just do MDMA a few times a year (I used to get great stuff and never crashed after, always felt great for days after a roll). Have any of you ever been in a similar situation and can share your experience so I feel less alone? I feel like I'm doomed to cycle through antidepressants forever and never really be happy and just have to keep going through withdrawals plus side effects when one stops working and I have to start another. But I'm scared that things could get really bad again if I stop. I run a business with my partner now and we are losing our one employee so it'll just be us and I'm afraid I'll screw our livelihood with an extended episode. I just don't know what to do. If you have any advice, any meds I haven't tried that you feel are worth a shot given my history, any therapies I haven't tried, any hopeful stories, or tales of caution, anything, I feel lost.
For what it's worth, for therapy I've done CBT (didn't finish) DBT (super helpful) and extensive talk and trauma therapy. Still have a therapist but can only see her once a month due to finances. I have a great relationship, great home, great job, dogs, cats, my life on paper is amazing. I'd really like to know that beyond objectively.
I also drink moderately, no weed, went through a phase with shrooms (microdosing and larger doses), not against doing them again, no other drugs at all, not even caffeine.
I'm so sorry that this has been so long, I didn't know how else to do it. If you've made it this far I can't thank you enough for taking the time and energy to try to help or sympathize with a complete stranger, you are an absolute gem.

Some points that were mentioned at the talks I went to at the conference I attended recently on delayed puberty and Kallmann syndrome / CHH.
About 80% of males who have delayed puberty at the age of 14 will progress to normal puberty with no treatment or a short course of treatment.
30 - 55% of females who have delayed puberty at the age of 13 will progress to normal puberty.
Treatment is not normally required before the age of 13, however treatment need not be with held until a full diagnosis is obtained. Better outcomes both physically and emotionally can be obtained with earlier treatment.
Commencement of puberty (past Tanner stage 2) does not always mean puberty will complete fully in cases other than standard self limiting delayed puberty.
In females treatment with oestrogen only is suggested until maximum uterine growth is obtained (shown by 2 consecutive ultrasound scans). Progesterone should only be added later.
In males with Kallmann syndrome / CHH whose testicle volume is low (2 ml by ultrasound) should not be given hCG on its own when a teenager or young adult as this can reduce the chances of fertility treatment working later in life.
Treatment with testosterone only at any age has no effect (positive or negative) on future fertility chances.
Early use of gonadotropin therapy / fertility treatment in teenagers does not increase the chances of fertility chances working later in life but can reduce the time required to achieve sperm production.
The Kisspeptin challenge test could be a good diagnostic test to distinguish between self limiting delayed puberty and Kallmann syndrome / CHH. It is still only available as a research test but it is hoped that it will be available more widely at some stage.
Inhibin-B is a hormone that is released early in puberty and can be detected during childhood before the age puberty is due. While not always available in all hospital labs, measuring Inhibin-B levels could indicate puberty is starting years before any physical signs can be seen.

4 months ago, I said goodbye to LO, a former partner I became limerent for after our relationship (which I ended, I 'didn't feel' it). When the LE began (in the middle of burnout), I was extremely anxious, in constant pain and thought of her non-stop. Saw her a few times, which only made it worse, and eventually explained to her what was going on, and she understood that the healthy and loving thing to do was to say goodbye, for now.
The past 140 days have been brutal, and slowly I managed to get my life on the rails again. The ruminations come and go, and each morning I have about 2-3 seconds before the longing kicks in again. I expect it, and accept it, and remind myself it is not about her. (Found this video quite helpful)
I've been working very hard on myself (somatic therapy, EMDR, psychiatrist, psychedelics, ...) - and I'm beginning to see, and feel, the root cause of my limerent episode(s). Have been working through dissociation, panic attacks, fainting, extreme anxiety, and agonizing physical pain.
And somehow, last week, I found an island of stillness, of peace, inside myself - a place I can retreat to while my body and mind are bending themselves backward to reconnect to LO. I haven't done so, and I am aware that reconnecting with her might lead me into a new spiral of madness (with more info to process and to ruminate about), so I don't.
My current state:

• a sense of peace, now I can stay with myself and am learning to comfort myself.
• a sense of pride, for the bonkers winter and spring I've somehow worked through.
• a sense of shame, for how I behaved around her during my LE. I want to apologize to her and show her my 'new' self again, and start stripping the projection from the real person
• but also: still missing her so so badly. (even though I remind myself it's not about her)

Yet, it's a Catch 22.
I want the longing to stop, see her again and re-humanize her - and lately I find myself thinking I can see her again without it sending me into an anxiety spiral again.
Even though I feel centered and peaceful, I'm aware reaching out to her might trigger a new wave of obsessive ruminiation. So I carry on, one day at a time - taking the long view, choosing long term gain over short term risk.
Anyone recognise this phase? Pointers?
(PS: medication that is helping me:

• NAC (1200 mg daily) against rumination
• an SNRI (Remergon) + Abilify (aripiprazol) for mood regulation and 'slowing down' my obsessive thoughts.

TW: This is about self doubt, anxiety and self hate.
i want to share another story of family and people who were supposed to be my safe space hating me and breaking me, hoping that they might be other people with similar experiences so that they dont feel alone.
Hey i am a medical student in germany, and only now i am realizing how massive my problems are. I am 21yo moved out 6 months ago and started therapy just recently. I lived my life accepting being in a constant state of awareness, rush and stress in every decision and thought i make, but particurlarly in social situations. i wake up anxious, i question every decision i make. i fear judgement and i judge and think about my actions all the time. I am trying to be better all the time and life was so hard. on the other side life is so beautiful and i dont want to live my life in this state.
During childhood, my family demanded obedience. Everything must be followed and everything else so as i was a child and never developed my self worth and confidence, i constantly was under obedience i had to listen and to follow. and never really developed my own thoughts. never really developed my own values. and my family hated each other. there was only judging and controlling each other and hating. i never felt secure and i still dont feel secure with my parents. i never had a safe space to express my negative feelings. they were always neglected and pushed away.
so when i was with another person, he told me manipulative things and i had to follow them, because i accepted and still accept every thought other people give me. he was at first a school friend i spent much time with, i trusted him we were best friends. i listened to him an trusted him. but suddenly he told me that other peobple hated me he told me that i am stupid and useless. he broke me. he knew that i would accept everything from others and continued planting this doubts and hate into me. that went over many years. everytime i was around him he planted these thoughts inside of me after evry interaction ih ad he said to me that the other person hated me. i adapted these kind of thinking patterns and until now i still think them and they are breaking me. i wake up anxious and think about every interaction i have with other people. judging every action and every thought i have. its exhausting and its hurtful. i cant enjoy being around people because i think i have to be funny or have to perform. its stress and its not being there.
only recently i discovored that this is not the state other people find themselves in, yes people think what they do and social interactions are alway somewhat scary. but i suffer so much and other people seem to be much more free than i am. only recently i discovered that some people actually have a safe space at home and are able to express their doubts and negative feelings etc. i never had that and i still interact the way i interact with my parents:

1. i always think that people expect something from me
2. i always think that people hate me

and thats all because that was demanded in childhood and with this former friend and manipulator
I know there is much potential in me. i know i am creative, sensible, have great capacity to think through situations. I want to change the world to be a better place as a physician. I am also working in a elementary school looking after kids and trying to give them every positive thing i can give them.
i want to feel better i want to connect with other people and there is so much pain and doubt and missed meaningful things in my life all because they are negative thinking patterns that were planted inside of me. and i am afraid to talk about it because its so absurd. its so absurd that i hate myself and that i have so much pain that i inflict to myself. this is illness. i am dissociating from conversations to judge and think about things that i said a minute ago. i am not free and i think and think and i hate conversations. i hate being around people because i feel obliged to serve them all the time.
I live in a privileged part of the world and i have everything. i have a home, i can buy quality food, have every entertainment i want, i have peace and freedom, objectively. and i hate that i am still not well. there are people with real objective problems like war and poverty, and i live here in peace, hating myself because someone broke me.
I think this is cPTSD, and my therapist is talking with me about it. We are talking about medication as well, and I am getting better at opening myself. about changing the ways i think. but still, life is very hard everyday. i try to tell myself that i am fine as well, and i pretend that i am fine and happy. but it slowly doenst work anymore.
i hope someone can relate and i can alleviate the fear of being alone with this sort of problem.

Hi,
After suffering from a long time with my mental health, I recently started therapy for depression, anxiety and sui**dal thoughts. I have my 3rd therapy session tomorrow, so far have been advised to focus on basic self-care like eating meals on time, proper hydration and have an accountability partner for tracking progress and stopping negative self-talk. But I haven't made any progress on these advices so far. I'm still not taking meals on time and drinking enough water. I don't feel any motivation to do anything. I'm not able to follow a routine properly. I just don't fee like doing anything. I think in my mind, I've made up to end my life at a certain point that's why I'm not able to put efforts into anything. Is there something I can do to make things feel more manageable?
I know it's me who have to do the work and therapy can only guide me but as simply as I can say, I'm just not able to do anything. I started therapy along with medication for depression and anxiety but stopped taking them as I couldn't find them helpful and plus my psychiatrist was not an empathetic and level-headed person. So, I'm looking for another psychiatrist at the moment. I know medicines are required for the therapy to be effective.
I'm planned to start CBT in the upcoming session. My therapist is a nice and understanding person, but I feel like I'm letting her down, as I'm not making any progress. All these thoughts are stopping me to go for tomorrow's session.
Any advice on how to proceed? Thanks in advance.

Hi people of Reddit,
I (F37) am going through the first steps of seperation & divorce at the moment. My husband left me 5 weeks ago, we have a house/morgage and a child. We've been together for 14+ years. He is leaving me for his girlfriend.
(EDIT: I do understand that this topic is controversial but we had an open marriage and he had a FWB situation with her. Obviously, you can be cheated on in closed AND open relationships. For the rest of the story, it doesn't matter but i just wanted to emphasize that he didn't cheat in a "classical" way).
I am someone who needs to discuss a lot and I process my thoughts through talking and also writing (I am a columnist and author, so...yeah). It's not like I woke up and was a different person. He met and loved me like that. Last year, we went through some traumatic experiences - I had some emergency operations and a family member was dying. Usually, I am very self-aware and secure. During that difficult time in my life I needed more reassurance and felt insecure. Really more of an anxious attached type but I never experienced or expressed that in the years before. I felt like he was more and more checking out of the relationship and I tried to solve it by talking.
He and I used to talk about everything that's on our minds. So it's not like I was always the one talking and he the one responding. Healthy communication was something we both did quite well until we...didn't. Basically I felt that he was checking out and tried to connect via talking. Figuring out what we are, what is still important to us etc. And it started to turn into arguments which we never had in 13 years. It was going like that for 7 months or so.
Now he is saying I was just too much. He doesn't want our relationship anymore because he loves someone else and this love is easier. He said, I was trying to talk talk talk to him and wouldn't let him "just be". He had also some health issues during that time and he said I wasn't considerate enough and didn't care enough because I still wanted to discuss our marriage with him during that time (reminder: I, myself, was hurting from recent events + he had his girlfriend already). After seperation he also told me, that with her, he could just "park" topics. She doesn't have the need to discuss everything right away and he finally feels at peace. He feels safe with her.
I feel so lost. We've been together for 13 years. We are family, been each others homes. Made decisions together, fought for each other. And he didn't even wanted to go to therapy because "what for" and "he sees his life with her now". And that I didn't trust him that our marriage is rock solid - and well, it wasn't in the end?! Because he left me?! For her?!
While rationally I understand that communicating my needs (especially with his behaviour changing...) is normal, in moments of loneliness and silence I feel so much regret. Like I drove him away. Like I deserve to be left because I was "too much" and put too much pressure on him. And while I would say to any friend "Are you crazy?! No!" , it is hard to cope with that kind of regret myself. I said sorry that he felt that our relationship and marriage wasn't a safe space for him any longer.
But I don't know how to deal with the regret that comes with taking accountability.
Does that makes sense?
Like, I'm sorry, can we work on it? I see it now! I can change!
I almost feel too stupid just writing this.
Any advice & insights?

I'm 25F and my boyfriend, who is 27M, have been together for roughly two and a half years. Is there any hope we overcome our judgements ? How can I keep him in my life?
We've always had great times together and had a lot of fun, but we've also had arguments from time to time about things like how disrespectful I am of myself or how he is being a manipulator and a lying person. For more background, let me say that I've always had such low self-esteem for a number of childhood and teenage issues that should definitely be dealt with through therapy, and as far as I'm concerned he has always found a way to influence every disagreement so that he comes out on top. Yet I know for sure, we love and genuinely care about one another and we're great at doing things together and overall making each other's lives simpler!
We've been fighting nearly every day for the past three months or more. We endured a great deal of stress, pressure and failures, including both of us losing our jobs and dealing with personal, friends and family problems. and it's almost inevitable since we're living together. Life has not been easy.
I am the boring girlfriend with the grandmotherly hobbies and very nothing that interests him, but he is a smart guy with incredible amount of knowledge, and he is always the one with the most brains and news, this also I do admit. That's all he's been complaining about recently, I really want to come up with something that he could appreciate, so I'm doing my best to suggest plans, movies... r discuss the things and concepts I know of or care about. However, he dislikes and dismiss pretty much of what I offer,
Though I think this is just tipping in the other direction, I truly appreciate having him in my life, and want to keep him in.
Please HELP !

This post has been adapted from Eft Universe, written by Sonia Novinsky. It's a long post, but a brilliant case study proving psychotic disorders can in fact be healed.
Jacqueline came to me about 1 year ago. She had been diagnosed as a schizophrenic with auditory hallucinations, depression, and an inability to operate in social environments. Now, the hallucinations are gone and she is well adapted to society. Along the way, many other benefits occurred, including relief from anorexia and the cessation of smoking. Here’s the story.
She arrived in a very depressive state, saying to me: “This is my last chance. And all I can pay is 10 dollars per session.” It was impossible to refuse her desperate appeal for help. She said…
“For 9 years now, since my daughter was born, I am taking Haldol, Prozac and other medications because psychiatrists considered me an incurable schizophrenic patient. I’ve been sleeping most of my daytime during all these years. After a traumatic event when my daughter was born, I fell into a depression. I started listening to Mary’s voice (Jesus’s mother) [diagnosed by her former psychiatrist as an auditory hallucination] and I had some inappropriate behaviours, including a kind of anorexia, with hospitalisation. I heard about your work with energy and I want to try it. I believe that this could help me get rid of medication and my disease. The only reason I don’t kill myself today is because my religion forbids me to do it.”
At the first moment, she told me that she had a supportive husband and parents, and also wonderful children and that made her feel more guilty for being a mentally ill person. She complained of smoking too much, of having difficulty resting and sleeping. She said she was also 30 kg more than her ideal weight, partly because of the antipsychotic medication. During the last 9 years she had been afraid to drive a car; before her crisis, driving was normal for her.
The last psychiatrist she saw was very oppressive, telling her she had an incurable mental illness and would be obliged to take Haldol for the rest of her life. When she arrived at my office, she was very angry with all psychiatrists and therapists who took care of her during all these years. They gave her no hope: just labels and drugs.
Before investigating core issues, I worked for some weeks on our rapport, trying to help her on her self-esteem and trying to develop some trust in our connection. She was very upset with the kind of relationship she had with her psychiatrists and therapists. A hierarchy was always present, and she was the inferior part of it, all the time. Her objections about the treatment were never validated by them.
In this case, it is very important to stress how strong was her intention to get rid of any medication because they condemned her to be out of a normal life.
I will give a summary of the main topics we worked with in EFT. We did EFT hundreds of times. I do a free talk while tapping, in a way that I can’t reproduce here, introducing humour and installing new meanings and possibilities. She was entirely open to working with EFT.
We started working with the most apparent sensation she was having at the moment she arrived. In my experience, you can start with this state, even if it is not a core issue. When this layer is reached, even if you don’t clear it completely, it gives room for the traumatic memories to show up.
Meanwhile, you get the basic trust needed to work deeply. So we started working on her self-image and self-esteem.
While we were tapping, I installed some reframing about how I was one with her, no hierarchy between us, how we were together and no label separating us.
The result was important for the rest of the treatment: She trusted that she was not alone and that I was assuming a strong, deep, and personal commitment with her.
She disclosed that when her daughter was born she was very upset with some events and we tapped on them. The worst one (which launched her first psychotic episode) was her husband’s imposition that his mother should be the godmother of her daughter. When Jacqueline went to see her mother-in-law to invite her, her reaction was very negative. She said: “I accept to be the godmother but I will not receive your family in my house.” This was a traumatic event for Jacqueline.
She felt very unhappy, with no way out, and thus she had her first psychotic attack. She undressed completely at a soccer stadium full of people.
We tapped for this event, and many aspects showed up. We tapped for the shame and guilt of not having control of her behaviour. While she was narrating the event, I tapped on her. This is my preferred way of tapping specific events. This one was a very traumatic event, but finally her husband agreed to her demand that his mother would not do the baptism of their daughter.
Thus she was victorious in some way, but she paid a high price for this “victory”: From this day on, she carried the label of a sick person. Two months later, her mother-in-law died suddenly and that gave Jacqueline the illusion of having a mean power inside her, and that made her still more guilty. In some way, Jacqueline felt she had no control over herself but from another point of view she was afraid of having some extraordinary power.
Jacqueline wanted to drive a car again. She felt ready to try it after clearing her psychotic attack and its consequences*.* So we tapped for the fear of driving, first at my office, then in her car.
Some aspects of her fear were: fear of losing control, fear of hitting the car, fear of hitting some one on the streets, fear of killing someone.
We made a test. We went inside her car and tapped in the car for any aspect, like “heart jumping too fast,” “I am not able to drive anymore,” etc. With me at her side, in the car, she drove the car by herself. After a couple of minutes, she was very calm, driving the car. Since that day she has been driving the car with no problem, with her children. Sao Paulo (my home) has very dangerous and wild traffic. Many normal people don’t drive cars here. But she does it now.
Schizophrenia is caused sometimes by double messages received mainly during childhood. Since her birth we could find many situations where double messages were received. Clearing all these double messages of Jacqueline’s life, from her birth until now, it was essential to allow her to see everything in a different way and to create a more integrated identity.
Jacqueline was the first child. Her father (Italian origin) wanted only a male child. When Jacqueline was born her mother felt in some way not comfortable with the fact that she couldn’t give her husband a boy. At the beginning of her life, Jacqueline felt no holding, no sensation of being desired. Eleven months after her birth, her mother gave birth to a boy who received all the attention of the parents. Jacqueline was most of the time with a single aunt that had a strong passion for a Catholic priest at that time.
We tapped for all events and sensations Jacqueline could remember that were related to this belief of not being wanted, of not deserving love, of being guilty for not being the boy her parents were waiting for. The strategy Jacqueline found was trying to persuade her father that she was good enough like a boy would be, and to do so she became too close to him and that made her mother very jealous and ambivalent toward her.
Investigating it more, I discovered that when Jacqueline had her crisis, after the birth of her daughter, she was feeling guilty and not deserving of having two healthy children, a boy and a girl. This was connected with a specific and important event that we addressed in each detail.
When she was 18 years old, she was dating her future husband and she got pregnant. As she was very religious and she wanted to become a mother, she didn’t want to get an abortion. But her husband, Leo, said that he would stay with her only if she got the abortion.
She postponed it as much as she could. She felt under a big pressure. She didn’t want to lose Leo and didn’t want to lose her child. She talked with her parents and they agreed with the abortion. So she did it. It was a very traumatic event for her. She felt guilty for the abortion, felt enraged with Leo, who didn’t go with her to the clinic, and felt very uncomfortable with her father. After the abortion, he was very critical of her. Their parents were supportive on one side, but on the other they were very severe and full of deception.
We tapped for each aspect of this event: the blood she saw, the place where she lay down, the light of the room, the questions the doctor asked her, the ambivalent sight of her mother, the feeling of abandonment because Leo was not there, the guilt of killing a 4-month-old fetus.
We discovered that her anorexia was connected with the blood she saw at the abortion. From that day, she started feeding herself in a more balanced way and started losing the extra weight she had at the beginning of the treatment.
We could see at that moment how the mother-in-law event triggered the abortion trauma, guilt, and anger. When her husband made this second imposition to her, “My mother will baptise my daughter,” she fell apart and collapsed. From that day, she started hallucinating and having inappropriate behaviours. One manifestation of this behaviour was a passion for a Catholic priest (like her dear aunt in the past), who held her in a compassionate way at the church.
In my point of view, the main issue for Jacqueline was not being held since the beginning of her life, and this fact was repeated many times, maybe because the writings on her walls were like these: “I don’t deserve to be loved, I don’t deserve to be held, there is something wrong with me, I should be different to be accepted, I am inappropriate, I have some strange powers that can harm people, etc.”
What was interesting is that when we cleared all aspects of the guilt of the abortion, including the guilt of having healthy children and the guilt of being alive (she used to talk of suicide as a self-punishment), that same week her anxiety stopped, her voice became more calm, and she stopped smoking.
I think the most important piece of this therapy was the possibility she opened for me to have a deep rapport with her while tapping. She started believing that she was a person, not a sickness, and as far as this occurred, her own family started to legitimate her as a mother, a professional, and a complete human being. She felt the self-confidence to restart her professional life. For 10 years her family and Leo’s family considered Leo the best husband, almost an angel, and Jacqueline was the crazy one, the problem. The whole system around her changed when she changed.
Some months ago she gave me a long written testimony (in Portuguese), about her issues and her treatment, confirming some of the results I have written here. Her intention was to help other people who could profit from her experience. On one of the last days, she completed the testimony verbally. I quote her words:
“For the first time in my life I feel peace in my heart. I have difficulties with my son and with my husband, but they don’t disturb my peace. I want to live like a normal woman and like a helper, for this I am praying and serving as a volunteer in a hospital.
“For the first time people trust me again. I was elected to the directory board of my club, and possibly I will be a candidate for a public position in the near future. I am free from the obsession for the priest. I know it because I went to see him in the church and could see him only as the priest he is. I don’t need smoking or the voices I used to listen to. I can remember the abortion without guilt. I couldn’t have a child for myself at that moment. I feel free from the double messages my husband used to send to me all the time, saying he loved me but excluding me from his life and problems and pleasures. I feel ready to take care of myself, and to take care of my children. I am living each day, not anticipating the worst like I used to. The pressure I felt in my heart is gone. I feel as healthy as anyone in this life, even if I need therapy for some more time.”
In conclusion, I think that what was decisive was EFT plus the holding she felt because I could accept, without any judgment, her passion and fantasies for the priest, her wish to die, and her fear of getting crazy, and her deep pain out of any category or classification that could separate us.