I guess I’m just here venting my feelings because life has been pretty hard lately and I don’t really have anywhere else to go with these thoughts at the moment. Feel free to stay if you can relate to my struggles, or don’t, the choice is yours. 99.9% of the time, it feels like I’m always wishing I could’ve been born into someone else, because I can’t stand how difficult my life has been made to be, and it just feels like too much of a burden to take on. I’m not sure if many other people here can relate to this feeling, but it feels as if I was born to just have a really insufferable and miserable life.
I was born gay, black (technically mixed but by a quarter), and not very good looking if I’m being honest. I grew up in the western US, and ever since I was about twelve, I was bullied for everything someone could be bullied for. The way that I looked, the way i spoke, being black, not being black enough, being occasionally (presumed) gay, etc. I just quite simply never fit anywhere and I was constantly reminded that I’m never good enough. I hated what I saw in the mirror so much to the point where I’d avoid every mirror possible and I would begin to feel resentment towards my family for birthing me into being at the absolute bottom of the social ladder. I know it’s not their fault that the world is the way it is and I do truly love them, but I just couldn’t stand the fact that my life was made incredibly difficult because I was born to them and not a more privileged family that could’ve provided me an easier life. Instead, I was given the burden of being born different in a society that just doesn’t like me for multiple reasons, and it’s now my job to completely change myself so that I can have a chance at a better life.
I spent a lot of time alone as a kid since I always felt insecure about myself, and I would work tirelessly to be more attractive, charming, and endearing so that others would treat me with kindness and respect. Instead of going outside and playing with others in the summer, I spent my summers doing what people now call “looksmaxxing”. I would stay out of the sun because I’d get picked on if I was “too dark”, spend everyday working out, grow my curly hair out to take attention away from my nose which I hated, practicing to hide my “gay voice”, and finding the coolest clothes to wear so people would be impressed with me by the next school year. I would never hang out with my school friends and never go out and just be a kid having fun like others did. I hated myself too much to do anything else because it felt like everyone else hated me or looked down on me for just existing. I just wanted to be someone that could have more in life, but it felt like I’d have to run myself into the ground trying to change enough to actually have a shot.
The sad thing is that this actually would work. With each year that went by in school I became closer to my goals. I hung out with the popular crowd beginning in freshman year of hs and started to feel better about myself because I started to gain recognition. All of this however took a turn when, long story short, I fell in love with my best friend since middle school and he turned on me in sophomore year due to him being closeted. He shut me out, and my other friends didn’t talk to me anymore because he was basically the leader of the popular kids. I switched schools in junior year and fell into a really deep depression that honestly I never fully healed from. I’m 22 now, and I’m honestly pretty messed up because I’ve had such a horrible childhood. I guess you could say I glew up dramatically in the years after hs, but only because I was bullied into basically becoming a different person, and I still feel the need to constantly change things about myself and obsess over my appearance. I don’t know how to get over the things I’ve been through and my life is still shitty today because of trauma and unfavorable circumstances I find myself in.
I see other people who are my same age or younger, and I get extremely angry because they have lives that seem so much better than my own; Friendships, relationships, happiness that they didn’t have to slave away for. I envy the ease that life has provided them and the freedom they must feel, while I always feel caged and confined to a life of hardship because I’m me… and they’re them. I want my life to be different, but it feels like the life they have was never meant for someone like me, and I have to spend years of my life trying to be where they were born. It’s so frustrating, and it all just feels like too much to bare. I don’t really know what the point of me writing all of this was, maybe just me reaching out into the void, but If you’re still reading this thanks for sticking around till the end lol. If anyone has any words of encouragement, I could definitely use it right about now because I’m really struggling 😂

For context, my SO and I have known each other / been together for over 8 years. We were together all of high school, most of college (broke up for about 2 years to “find ourselves” and came back to each other), and about a year after college, we were finally back in the same city together.
I moved to the city first after college, and was there by myself for about 9 months before she moved to the area. In my second month on my own and my first week of my first adult job, my mom took her life unexpectedly. I was a mess, and then I guess I just went cold — everything was bottled up. Three months after my mom’s death, my grandma (mom’s mother) passed away. I had never dealt with grief, but here I was losing two of the closest people in my life in a three month span. My grandma’s funeral was essentially a second funeral for my mom as well — many people learned of her death there for the first time, which was painful to experience. Please let me make this incredibly clear, I am not making an excuse for any behavior mentioned — I take full accountability but am simply trying to paint the full picture.
For context, I work in an extremely demanding career, where it is a super high stress environment — in the months following the loss of my family, I used my work as an escape and found it keeping my mind from drifting. I’m not a huge drinker, and it was never a constant release in this time period; with that being said, I have had 2-3 moments in this time of grieving where I have lost total control. I have been around close friends or, in this instance, my SO, and just wanted to feel nothing. In the latest lapse, we got into an argument after drinking heavily and I raised my hand at her.
I know this is inexcusable. I have always done everything I can to make her feel safe and loved. I know that the action itself is inherently abusive regardless of physicality. I know I can just stop drinking — however, as I mentioned I don’t drink frequently and I’m not entirely sure that it’s the cause here. Frankly, I believe that I have a lot of grief and processing that I’ve just bottled away and not confronted — I have anger in me that I’ve found misdirected at those that I love, and in this situation, it was her.
I called her the day after, apologized, and acknowledged that I have some problems I need to confront given the last several months of my life. Even then, and still now, she said she is willing to move past this and has realized that I’m in a lot of pain. I started therapy several weeks ago after this incident and have been giving her an abundance of space — she does still text me here and there to talk about her life and what’s going on. At the end of the day, this is the woman I hope to marry and grow old with — yet, I understand I made a mistake that you can’t take back and ultimately, it is her decision as where things go from here. I completely understand if this is a deal breaker; she doesn’t deserve to live with fear, and it brings great sadness to me that I caused it.
I’d say I’m an introspective person — I’m working through this all with my therapist / on my own and am truly trying to get better for myself, but is there hope for us? Admittedly, I feel that it’d weigh on me that (if it is a root cause) an inability to process grief and the loss of the biggest sources of love in my life caused me to push away the biggest one remaining.
TLDR - Not an excuse, but mother and grandmother died in 3 months time period while reuniting with long term partner after some time apart. We got in an argument while drunk and I raised my hand. Working through getting better for myself, but simultaneously navigating how I can still reconcile our strong relationship.

My name is Jessica, and I live in a small central American city of about 80,000 people.Today I'm going to share a story about Korea.First, I'd like to tell you a little bit about my family.When I was born, I already had an older brother.I don't mean just a little sister with an older brother.My brother was adopted from Korea.It's an unusual situation, isn't it? My parents struggled with infertility for several years before I was born, and they ended up adopting my Korean brother.Then, a few years later, they got pregnant with me, and I was born.My brother had different hair color, skin color, and eye color than me, but we got along very well.Even though we knew from a young age that we were adopted because of our differences, we got along well, and we were a family that loved each other deeply.
We played the same games, read books together, and spent a lot of time together. He always took good care of me, and he was a good brother who made me laugh.
I would say, “Brother, let's read this book together!” and he would always smile and read it to me. I think I liked and enjoyed his warmth to me, rather than focusing on the content of the book.
When we left our cozy home environment, it was time to go to school, and during this time, my brother and I were asked a lot of embarrassing questions.One day, while my brother and I were playing together, a friend asked me, “Jessica, why does your brother look different from you?”The question gave me pause, but he smiled and replied, “Because we are a family, looks don't matter. His positive attitude had a good effect on me, and I'm sure he had a good effect on himself, too.Watching him grow up right, and our family became interested in Korea. If he was a troublemaker and always in trouble, he wouldn't have had the time to take the time to learn about his country of origin, Korea, but when he studied well, didn't fight with his friends, and was a good person who always loved and cared for his brother, we couldn't help but wonder about his roots.
I think my parents also had the will to share Korean culture with my brother and me, to learn what they could, to broaden our horizons and deepen our family's understanding.Many years ago, when I was in middle school, my family visited Korea for the first time, and the experience left a great impression on me.
We visited many tourist spots in Seoul and saw the harmonious combination of Korean tradition and modernity.And Korea, with its many dark-haired, dark-eyed people like my brother, was somehow not foreign to me.For Americans traveling to Asia for the first time, this could have been difficult because people look different and give off different vibes, but not for me. My parents, of course, were very excited to revisit Korea, the country of my brother's birth, and spoke so many blessings about the land of my brother's birth.Of course, there were many good things to see and many fun things to do in Korea, but the most memorable moment was when I suddenly developed a high fever.
It was a quiet night in Korea at the time, and I suddenly developed a high fever.This change was so sudden that my parents panicked.Eventually, with the help of the hotel we were staying at, they were able to get me to the emergency room in Korea, where I was quickly treated.Upon arrival, the medical staff quickly assessed my condition and ran the necessary tests.The whole process was organized, and thanks to the professionalism and quick response of the medical staff, I was able to get comfortable quickly. My situation was so serious that my head hurt like a rock and I could barely understand what was being said around me, but thanks to their quick response, my fever started to come down and I was able to return to my senses.The tests showed that I had a severe flu, which had been contracted in the United States and had incubated in Korea.I had to stop traveling in Korea and be admitted to the hospital for treatment, but thanks to the fast and efficient healthcare system in Korea, this was not a problem.
My parents breathed a sigh of relief and expressed their deep gratitude to the Korean healthcare system.“If it wasn't for Korea, I would have been in trouble,” my father said.Although my family had to stop our trip to Korea and spend the rest of my stay in a Korean hospital, looking back, it was also a unique experience abroad.
Many years later, as an adult, my relationship with my brother was still good. We enjoyed Korean dramas, movies, and music together, cooked Korean food together, and learned Korean together.
However, there was a clear difference between me and him: he seemed to be better at learning, even if he spent the same amount of time studying, and he went to a prestigious university, while I failed to get into college and became depressed.
He helped me with my studies every vacation, taught me how to study, and helped me to get into a prestigious university, but the results were not good. I was rejected by all the universities I applied to, and I was going through a very difficult time. After he graduated from college, he moved back home from the East Coast of the United States and helped me study for the college entrance exam, and with his help, I was able to get into college, albeit late.
Although I didn't get into a prestigious university like my brother, I still had a satisfying college experience and broadened my horizons.Naturally, I discovered that Korea has been on the global radar lately, which was very exciting.Korea may be the latest trend for Americans these days, but for me and my brother, it's like going back to our roots.I've always loved Korea, and it was very interesting and fond to reminisce about my trip to Korea when I was in middle school and look through my photo albums, even though half the time I was sick. So, my brother and I decided to visit Korea again, and this time, we had several goals for the trip: we wanted to make sure that we got it right this time, because we didn't get it right the first time, and my brother wanted to get to know his Korean roots better, even though he is now an adult, working as an American and living as an American, and I wanted to get to know my Korean roots better in relation to my major in college, and this time, I wanted to research more about the Korean healthcare system that I had experienced as a child.
Of course, I also wanted to have fun in Korea and enjoy the freedom to roam around the country unlike when I was a student, but I didn't take it too seriously.
Korea was so different from the U.S. It had the look of a big city in the U.S., but it had its own unique vibe. It was much more developed than the neighborhoods we live in in the U.S., and everywhere you looked was filled with people, and there were hundreds or thousands of stores selling a variety of things. If you were walking around and traveling, and you got thirsty and needed a break, there were cafes all around you that you could just pop into and take a break, and you didn't have to go far to find a restaurant that had one Korean food and sold it, because all the infrastructure was there.
Everything is around you, and everything you want or need is always right around the corner, which is why people call city life so convenient and love it.The public transportation system in Korea, which is light years better than the big cities in the U.S., helped us get around without any difficulty.It was also so much fun to get a T-money card, carry it around, and use it to get around Korea for a very low cost.
And when my brother and I would walk around, going to cafes, restaurants, and other places where there was something to do, many Koreans would tell us that we made a good looking couple.When I would tell them, in a pleasant and complimentary way, that we were actually brother and sister, they would look surprised and apologize.
But it's completely understandable, because even in the U.S., more people think of us as a couple or friends than they do as siblings, and there's not much of an adoption culture in Korea, and no one adopts and brings European or American children to Korea, so it's no wonder we get these funny misunderstandings.
To be honest, even in the U.S. nowadays, you can still encounter people who ask my brother and I questions about our relationship with unpleasant intentions to hurt us, assuming that we are not a couple or friends, but maybe even a man.A recent memory is of an American grandfather in his 70s who made a very rude remark to us, asking us what kind of father our father was to have two women give birth at the same time.
In the U.S., most people are friendly and kind to me, but the problem is that some people sometimes make fun of my brother because he looks Asian, but this was not the case in Korea at all.No one discriminated against me because of my different appearance.
And there's actually a story I wasn't going to tell in this article, but I'm writing it down because I had my brother's permission to do so.After arriving in Korea, we decided to search for my adopted brother's birth parents in order to trace his roots.My parents and I respected his decision to pursue this endeavor in Korea, and of course, we decided to support it. We visited the Korean adoption agency and requested my brother's adoption records.The representative provided us with all the information possible and was eager to help us, saying that efforts to find one's roots are ongoing every day.Together, we were able to find some important clues in the records.
My brother decided to visit his birthplace based on those clues, and of course, I joined him on the journey.We were always laughing since we came to Korea, but at this moment, there was more seriousness than laughter.We visited my brother's birthplace together and talked to the local people.
At the time, there was only a vague record of my brother's father and mother, but no proper records, so we only knew where he was born, and we had to go there and find someone who had lived there for a long time.But Korea is a very fast-developing country, and the sad thing is that the area where my brother was born and spent the first few months of his life was already torn down and replaced by a huge apartment complex. We felt that if we had come sooner, at least before these new apartments were built, things would have been at least better than they were, but there was no point in regretting what had passed.We visited the social welfare center and police station in the area, explained our situation, and asked for help.The Korean people were very kind, listening to my brother's story and letting us know what we could do.
We were told that when a new apartment building is built in Korea, new people who have no connection to the area move into the apartment, but that some of the people who live in these new apartments have been living here for a long time, most likely elderly people, and that the best thing to do is to find them and ask them about their past.We felt that this information would be very useful to us, as we were very confused and frustrated.
So my brother and I, along with a Korean lady who felt sorry for us and wanted to help, approached the elderly people who came in and out of the apartment and asked them questions.But despite all our efforts, we were unsuccessful in finding my brother's biological parents.We had many clues and information, but we were unable to find any conclusive evidence.My brother was disappointed, but we were comforted by the fact that we had done our best. Maybe if we could have spent a few weeks, maybe even a few months here to find and talk to an elderly person with memories of the past, we could have found a clue to the solution, but we couldn't stay in Korea, so in the end, we had to give up without proceeding any further.When I saw the look on my brother's face as he said that if he had the chance, he would visit Korea next time for this sole purpose, I felt a great sense of disappointment.“It's a shame that we couldn't find them, but thank you for trying,” he said to me.I couldn't say it anymore.
It would have been great if he could have completed his homework, but he didn't.Contrary to my initial expectations, the Korean adoption agency tried to be as helpful as possible, and I was very grateful to the government officials in the place of my brother's supposed birth, who were very sympathetic to his situation and actively tried to help him, and to the Korean lady who passed by.
Having been treated by the Korean healthcare system in the past, I took this level of care for granted and thought that it was something that everyone could enjoy, but then, when I was a high school student in the U.S., I was seriously ill and did not receive the same care as I did in Korea, so I remember suffering terribly and tried to understand why this difference occurred.
Before I came to Korea, I had already arranged to meet with someone, and although I didn't get to visit any specialized institutions, I was able to meet with Korean college students, and I learned a lot of information from them: medical students, pharmacy students, and I was able to get a lot of information from them.
The Korean healthcare system was different from the U.S. in many ways: it was fast, efficient, and provided a high level of care at a relatively low cost.The quick response and organized system for emergencies was especially impressive.The emergency rooms in Korea were very reasonably priced, allowing people to go to them for minor and mild symptoms.At this point, I thought that if there were a lot of people going to the emergency room for minor symptoms, it would be a problem if someone came in who needed emergency care, but the hospitals in Korea made it very easy to answer that question. I also learned that when a really urgent patient comes in, the emergency room prioritizes the emergency patients and treats them first, ignoring the minor ones. It's so simple and obvious: the doctors have the skills to determine the severity of the patient's condition, and they can prioritize the treatment accordingly.
Not only that, but it was very easy to get an appointment in Korea and the wait time was short. The Korean medical staff emphasized patient care and prompt treatment, and they utilized the latest medical technology and equipment to provide the best possible medical care.
In the U.S., medical care is often very expensive, complicated, and difficult to access quickly, and many people are unable to get proper treatment due to insurance issues.I also received prompt treatment in Korea when I was in middle school without insurance and had to pay a reasonable price, but the experience was a nightmare as I remember being very sick in middle school and high school, and I felt that the Korean system was far superior.I felt that the Korean healthcare system is not for profit, but is dedicated to protecting the health of the people.
Through my experiences in Korea, I learned about a much broader world than what my brother and I knew before.There are many factors that make Korea such a great country, but the culture and system that my brother and I experienced firsthand helped us understand why.And most of all, Korea is the country that made my brother.I have grateful feelings for Korea, which is also my brother's roots.
My brother and I could tell without speaking to each other that through this visit, we saw in each other a willingness to continue to love Korea more and more, and to strive to learn and understand Korean culture.
Korea is now a country that has special meaning to me as an adult, and I think it will be a great pleasure for me to honor my brother's roots and watch Korea develop and grow.I will continue to connect with Korea and try to help more people discover its charms.
And next year, he plans to visit Korea to find his roots once again. He plans to stay in Korea for more than a month, and he will continue his best efforts during that period.

I'm in a lovely relationship with my girlfriend for the last 4 years. There's this friend of ours (actually our past classmate - Friend X). I used to like her (X) in school before my girlfriend. But now I love my girlfriend with all my heart. But still I feel uneasy telling my girlfriend about when I and X meet without her.
Actually it started before 2 years, when I and X met along with other friends but my girlfriend couldn't come. I got a bit close to X while clicking photos at that time and it was all my fault and still regret it to today. I apologised for my mistake and promised her that I'll never do anything like this from now on. She forgave me and then we've been through ups and downs in long distance for these 2 years but we're still nice and a loving couple.
But as I told, now I feel uneasy about telling her if we meet without her. But the thing is when we all meet, X and my girlfriend keep talking to each other. X is also a good friend of mine so I wanted to meet her too and talk to her as I have moved to another city for studies. But I hesitated to meet alone thinking my girlfriend might not like it although she says she trusts me and everything is fine now. But still, I still haven't come over that hesitation now.
And due to that, today when I finally decided to meet X when she was going to college, I thought of going with her too but couldn't tell my girlfriend about it since she slept early yesterday. The thing is while returning my girlfriend was also coming back from college, so, I asked her where she is so that we could also meet. She asked me why I'm here at the metro, and at that moment, due to hesitation, I actually lied to her that I went to somewhere else due to some work. I and X met in auto riksha only and then we both went opposite ways at the metro (because otherwise I would've picked my girlfriend from her station). But actually I was coming after dropping X even after my girlfriend's station. But since I had already lied to her I waited at other station.

And now at night again when she asked me why I went there for that work, my brother could've gone instead of me, I lied again due to that lie and extended it. But after she said fine in anger, I felt so wrong and just told her that I lied but with very wrong words saying like you also know i also know, I lied. After that she stopped responding and blocked my calls. Even I don't know what to say to her. I really love her only with all my life and would never break her trust. But still I just don't know why out of hesitation at that moment, I lied. It's all my fault and I accept it. It's the second time she felt hurt because of me and X. I know it's my fault but what should I do now?

TL;DR; : I went meeting my female friend who I used to like before my girlfriend 4 years back and lied about it to her due to hesitation (although I didn't want to) that I only met her in the way and went somewhere else then. At night, when she asked about it again, I lied again but when she said fine, I felt bad and said that I also know it, you also know it, I lied. Very wrong words for confession. Now she won't talk to me. What should I do? (Read the whole post please bcuz it's quite misleading)

(I’m pretty pissed rn so i’m just blabbering and not sure if it will make sense). I (20f) met my friend group that consists of 5. I’ll be giving fake names, Danny, Ivan, Ivory and Daisy. I met them in my second semester of university. This particular “friend” Daisy specifically in the friend group stood out the most since she was the first one I became friends with and got along right away. We started hanging out more with the rest of the group 3rd semester (2nd year fall semester). At that time I was dating my boyfriend (still am) who is abroad right now, so I haven’t seen him for a while. They were aware about him and at that time I was already dealing with a sh*tty roommate, so I was hanging out their dorm constantly. But once 3rd semester came around then we started spending Fridays and Saturdays at Daisy’s dorm. Keep in mind my dorm was a 25 min walk and near a forest and I would get home usually around 12am. Those days we chose to hang out we got high together and it became our norm. Somewhere in late September and Early October I started having really serious issues with my boyfriend and he honestly wasn’t treating me well at that time and I told my friends, because he brought up the plan of marriage and I was hesitant when the group asked me if I really wanted to marry him. Late October I was telling Daisy about it and she told me its best to break things off with him and how she did the same with her ex boyfriend because he was bad for her, and I’m pretty sure she says she misses him (but yeah I kinda forgot). I really didn’t want to breakup with him but I knew I needed to cut him off, so I got home at midnight and called him and broke up with him and instantly regret it. I was already dealing with so much other shit and I almost una****d my self after. But plans didn’t work so I kept my mouth shut. (I’ll get to the point I promise.) Late December I got news that a contract i signed over a year ago with a friend whose father owned a business offered me a job meaning I was going to move to another country. ( I ended up changing the contact for a later year) I would be super close to my boyfriend and I was pretty hesitant since so much had changed and I called my boyfriend who was my ex at that time and told him everything and we talked for a while. Long story short we missed each other a lot and we acknowledged that we both did terrible stuff but in the end if we worked it out together then our relationship could work. We set boundaries and rules for us to follow and we are currently together and I’m really happy right now. I didn’t tell my friends about me getting back with him because I knew they would be upset which I understand. I told Ivory first in late March and I asked for her to be understanding that he changed and she was upset but told me that she’ll always support me and be there for me which I needed to hear. Daisy didn’t find out until 2 weeks before my birthday and Daisy was super pissed at me and ever since she was cold and rude, ending all the convos with the gc that replied to me with periods. Since January I’ve noticed that Daisy would be pretty rude and only think about herself mainly and not the rest of us. There would be some days where I would ask if we can hang out at my place instead and I would always hear the same thing how my place was too far and that it’ll be late when they leave which did annoy me a lot since that was exactly how I went home. I walked back home a lot at midnight, ALONE and high. The 2 times they had came over they all left as a group since Daisy, Ivan and Danny lived in the same building and they would drop off Ivory on the way, while I was the only one who lived the furthest. When we would hang out at Daisy’s place she would ask what we wanted to watch we give ideas and would usually 85% of the time say no to our suggestions and pick the movies she wanted to watch instead. None of us have cars so we rented zipcars and I noticed a while after that when it was only convenient for her and when she was the one who needed groceries then she would text us like the day before or the day and sometimes an hour or so before of whenever she needed to run errands and when we weren’t able too then she would get mad. But when it came to us asking if we can go then she didn’t want too or was low on money which that one i understand. She would get pissed or annoyed a lot at Ivory for being herself sometimes, which honestly imo it pissed me off so much for the way how Daisy was with her. I slowly started distancing myself from the group for a while since I had my own shit going on and I was getting overwhelmed with it. My breaking point was when 2 weeks before my birthday Daisy found out about my boyfriend and went radio silent with me and was ignoring me in the gc and I remember her reposting posts on insta that were targeting me. I sound selfish but I was really looking forward to my birthday, but a week before my birthday I got a call that my mom was in the hospital and I was 12 hours away from her and I was an emotional wreck because I was just hearing she was dying. I didn’t tell my friends about it. I was FaceTiming my boyfriend and crying to him because I felt so alone and needed someone, but I figured celebrating with my friends would kind of help distract me. Since a lot of uni students were doing “peacefully protests”, my campus was shut down and there were many cops on campus and we werent allowed back on campus or else we would get arrested or idk. But the day before my birthday Ivory texted me saying (copied and pasted) “Daisy and Netty would have to walk across campus for it and I asked if there was a way to cancel it still and Dulce said yeah and I was like I don’t want yall to get arrested and then Dulce is being weird and was like “then we’ll cancel it problem solved” and long story short the car has been cancelled”. The plan was that we were going to rent a zipcar and get jack in the box and dutch and then head over to Daisy’s dorm (which i didn’t want and asked if we can maybe do it at my place) and just hang out. But I really didn’t feel like walking 30 minutes back to my dorm (since I couldn’t walk through campus and had to go around). But I’m not sure it just got confusing and in the end everything was canceled and being sad was an understatement. I was really sad about it because it would be my first birthday party with a group of friends who I thought were my actual friends. The day of my birthday and got myself a tiny cake and celebrated by myself in my dorm. Ever since my “amazing” birthday I was just depressed and figured it was time for me to move on to the next chapter of my life. ( I had other problems with my life besides them.) Right before school ended i texted the gc that I was leaving and never coming back and I miss Ivory because she was a really good friend and I miss her a lot.. can’t say much about Daisy because today I posted an instagram story note saying “(uni name) is is greedy and mean just like em. glad im gone” i got sent a letter saying how the school was asking me to pay the remaining medical bill which was like 144$ and idk it just reminded me of the many rude people i came across on my campus. I wasn’t directing it at her until she posted her own insta note and it said “ that’s so crazy, not my fault your delusional” which i know was directed at me. I want to text her and call her out for her the stuff she had done and tell her to grow up. But I’m not sure if I should just block her and move on. I kind of need closure and advice on how to handle the situation.

I lost my beloved cat, Edie, a week ago. And it feels like an eternity.
Back in January, I had to leave my grad school and move back in with my parents in my home state following some medical problems where my only treatment options were in my hometown. I took 9 year old Edie with me and did everything I knew to do to make the adjustment easier on her.
Right away, she started having problems with vomiting and urinating/defecating around the house. In February, I took her to the local vet, who ran bloodwork and a fecal test. They said she was probably just anxious but prescribed some antibiotics and an antidiarrheal in case she had an infection of some sort. Edie got somewhat better but continued having issues urinating/defecating outside the litter box. We changed her litter to a fragrance free formula and her food to a sensitive stomacblh formula in hopes it would help, but nothing changed.
All the while, my own health has been a rollercoaster of ups and downs. Edie stopped sleeping upstairs with me. Then she stopped coming upstairs at all. I avoided being downstairs at all costs. Edie ate and ate but continued to lose weight. My mom said she was worried about Edie, but I assured her the vet said she was fine.
Last Monday, Edie climbed upstairs and snuggled with me for a long time. That night, she collapsed while walking, and we rushed her to emergency vet. Over the course of five months, Edie had dropped from 7 lbs to 2.98 lbs, and her bloodwork showed she was in septic shock. I made the decision to put Edie to sleep, and she died in my arms, away from her home. The vet said Edie probably had cancer even before I adopted her.
I feel like a terrible pet parent. I LOVED that cat. She got me through two family deaths and nearly attempting suicide twice. She slept on my bed; she had everything I knew to give her. I only had her for 18 months, but I loved her like I've never loved anything or anyone before. I feel so hurt and angry. How could I have let my baby go through that? Why didn't I take her to the vet sooner? I was so focused on my own health that I didn't notice Edie getting sicker.
I miss my baby so much. I'd give anything to have her back. My mom made me get a new cat two days ago. He's sweet, but all I feel is a hole in my heart. I want to love him, but all I feel is that it should be Edie with me instead of this new cat.
This week has been hell. My doctor prescribed sedatives just to get me through the nights without her. Every little thing reminds me of my baby, and my mom is actively getting rid of or putting away Edie's things. I wish I could make people understand how goddamn painful it is. How much I'm hurting. I keep breaking down crying over little things. Today it was finding out the color I picked for Edie's urn is the same color as my favorite music box.
I don't want to keep feeling this way. Everything feels so big and everything is moving too fast. This has been the longest week of my life, and I just want Edie here. Words can't describe how much I loved ny baby and how much I miss her.

I have a friend. Let’s call them Jamie.
Jamie has autism, struggles with mental illness, and has a toxic family.
I’ve known Jamie for 20 years, going to them as my confidant for everything. Movies, life, etc. We were part of the same fraternity (albeit different schools), and when I graduated and moved to the opposite coast, my communication with Jamie never changed. We’d talk a few times a day, for at times, hours a day.
Jamie goes to therapy weekly and about 6 months ago joined an in patient program at a mental hospital. I was there to support them, and I didn’t have any concerns about them making it through the program, which they did.
What was easy is when Jamie told me they were queer. But they told me recently that they were trans, and I’m having a hard time.
I thought this would be a phase, as does their family, and just about everyone else they know, but they got on a call with me today to stop using their dead name, after all of these years.
I’ve used various nicknames for Jamie over this time, but they immediately want me to start calling them by a gender neutral name, a name that is so unusual, and something I’ve never heard before, that I’m struggling to accept that too. And mind you, none of the nicknames have to do with their dead name. And not using their dead name won’t be much of an issue, but the name choice is hard to wrap my head around.
I don’t want to lose Jamie. I consider myself to be an ally, but I’m quite overwhelmed by their decision and don’t know what to do.
For those that are trans, or know someone close to them who wants to transition/has transitioned, do you have any advice that may help me with what’s going on?
This isn’t just about how to accept a bizarre name, but how I can be a supportive friend.

I cut him off a month ago for pulling back even after he explained he would step up and stop letting me feel discarded. He swore he was working towards a relationship with me. I offered him only sex, he rejected that and told me that offer made him sick to his stomach. I was so kind to him. He’s the only man I’ve ever seen a future with.
Fast forward to today, almost a month of no contact. I actually believed he was pining after me too.
He posted on his “close friends” the girl that i told him had a thing for him. She is in my committee.
I am a joke. Everything that was so beautiful that he has ever said means nothing. I already was hesitant to let myself fall for him but i let it happen, he felt safe. Immediately after i made that decision he pulled back and took me through a rollercoaster telling me that he was going through something (my assumption was he didn’t get into law school … which he didn’t) every day i sucked it up and told myself the immense discomfort from him pulling back was temporary. Just a few weeks prior he was helping me through something tough. He was my rock. I should be his… I cried myself to sleep for a month feeling worthless to someone i just allowed myself to fall for.
Before we stopped talking i would check in every 1-2 weeks and assess where he was at. I even gave him an out just in case he didn’t feel the same way. I asked him if we should be friends. If we should just have sex and leave it at that.. i told him i would be an amazing friend to him and never let it be weird…. He refused the offer and we kept dating.
This entire time I’ve been the butt of a joke that I don’t think is very funny. We bonded over horrendous trauma of our exs.
This is completely out of character for him……..i don’t know what to do with myself.
What is this going to do to me the next time someone wants me to let them in?
How am i supposed to pass my summer classes?
How am i supposed to hold myself together?

My girlfriend (19F) and I (18M) are getting married in a few weeks. We sent out invitations, but we didn't invite her best friend, "B." B and my girlfriend have known each other since elementary school but only became close in the last two years. I also knew B since elementary school, but we never spoke until we ended up in the same college elective. I introduced myself, and we had about five brief and general conversations. She seemed chill and nothing out of the ordinary.
Months later, I started dating my girlfriend. During a conversation, I found out that B had been badmouthing me to her. B didn't know my girlfriend and I were dating, and my girlfriend felt uncomfortable telling her because of B's negative comments. According to my girlfriend, whenever I was mentioned, B would make wild assumptions about me, like claiming I was trying to talk to a lot of girls. Every time I was slightly brought up, my girlfriend noticed a shift in B's tone, making it clear B didn't particularly like me. This was shocking because, in my brief interactions with B, I had been nothing but respectful, friendly, and polite.
Eight months into our relationship, I urged my girlfriend to tell B that we were dating. B apologized to me, saying she didn't mean any of it and tha just hates on people for fun. I dismissed her previous behavior, and we all hung out once after that, which went well. Months later, B asked my girlfriend about marriage and how she and I had probably talked about it. At that stage of our lives, we weren't thinking about marriage, so my girlfriend gave a general answer like, “We've talked a bit about it, but nothing serious yet. We're so young." According to my girlfriend, B spent hours insisting that she should give me an ultimatum about marriage, suggesting she should threaten to break up with me if I didn't commit. My girlfriend tried to change the topic, but B kept discussing it for hours.
Recently, my girlfriend and B had an argument about B's behavior. While I was giving my girlfriend advice, she received an Instagram message from B with a meme about a girl moving on from her ex, captioned with my name and laughing emojis. This felt like B was mocking our relationship. Given all this, I told my girlfriend I didn't want to invite B to our wedding unless she really wanted to.
My girlfriend was unsure since B has been her best friend for many years, but she didn't get mad at me for not sending an invitation to B, so we didn't. Now, B is bombarding me with messages, demanding to know why she wasn't invited and making me feel like I'm the bad guy.
NEW UPDATE: So since then everyone agreed with my take and not wanting to invite her to the wedding and I showed my gf and she agreed kinda. Now since then she and the best friend talked and my gf confronted her about everything.
Girlfriend: “Hey B, remember that post you sent me?”
B: “Yeah, what about it?”
Girlfriend: “Well, I was with him the other day, and he saw it too. We were both like, ‘What’s this?’ I felt weird about it and was wondering where it came from. Even though it seemed pretty straightforward, I was curious about what you meant by it.”
B: “Wait, omg, he saw that? He wasn’t supposed to see it!”
Girlfriend: “Yeah, but it was weird to send even if it was just for me.”
B: “Okay, it was purely a joke poking fun at the fact that we used to have fake beef.”
Girlfriend: “I get what you mean, but the post seemed like it was taking a dig at our relationship, not just a lighthearted joke about my boyfriend.”
B: “I understand why you feel weird about it now. I didn’t see it that way at all. My intention was different, but your feelings are valid.”
Girlfriend: “Yeah, but you know, it’s not a great feeling to see something like that. I’m sure he doesn’t appreciate you sending me stuff like that because he knows how close we are. It comes off as weird, like you’re against our relationship.”
B: “I completely get that. Please tell him I didn’t mean it that way at all. I’m just silly and send stupid posts all the time.”
Girlfriend: “Okay, I’ll let him know. But what’s your plan going forward?”
B: “I’m definitely going to try to be more mindful about what I’m sending. I didn’t think about how it would look, even though it was straightforward to interpret. I maybe want to have a chat with him as well to sort things out and show I’m apologetic. But I’ll sleep on it first because this is a lot.”
Although she’s not invited my gf is reconsidering inviting her which somewhat annoys me. My gf doesn’t have many friends so I understand why she doesn’t wanna let go of her but at the same time I was hoping for more of a harsh outcome rather than this casual conversation.

Hello! Ok, I F30 have never dated before. I was in 2 long term abusive relationships (I KNOW). First was from sophomore year of high school that lasted 7 years. The second was immediately after for 6 years. I have been single since August 2023 and didn't want to start dating or dating apps until Jan 2024. Fast forward I finally downloaded Bumble and had an instant connection with him M30.
Since we matched at the very end of February and we went really fast. Ask for my number the following day, went on our first date that Saturday and second date in my apartment the next day and were pretty inseparable since. Now, it's been 3 months and he's done SO many 'boyfriend' things (we even went to a Two Hot Takes live show in our first month talking!).. but he hasn't asked me to be his girlfriend. Do people now even use those titles? Is that something 30 year olds do? I have no idea. I have really quickly and easily fallen for him and I want to know where he is, but I don't want to scare him away. I just really don't know what to say or how to even start that conversation if it's one to be had. We made it clear to each other pretty much immediately that we are exclusive, but I don't know if that's enough for me?
Also... I do feel scared/ insecure because he is so established in life and has an amazing career making well over 6 figures where I live paycheck to paycheck and barely scrape by. I'm in school and have ambitions to be more, but I worry I might not be enough. We also come from completely different walks of life. He has it easy and comes from money, he has a past with drugs and alcohol abuse and again is currently well off and doesn't seem to have any real concerns. I on the other hand come from a harder upbringing, my mom was only 14 when she got pregnant with me, my dad was involved in gangs and didn't care to provide while my mom did everything she could to make enough money and continue her education (not important to the post but I am SO proud of her and all she's accomplished), I never did any drugs and didn't start drinking until I was 26, and again I live paycheck to paycheck. I have a good job and I am proud of what I do, I am in school with ambitions to change careers BUT I worry that he will want someone he has more in common with and maybe that's why we haven't had any other conversations on what we are?
I'm just in all honesty insecure he will realize he can do better - and he absolutely can - and just clueless on the dating world.

Did anyone receive the provisional financial aid today around 8pm pacific?I saw min3 in the messages but everything is saying $0. I received grants for UCSD and Davis so there's no way I'm not getting any grant at all. Is anyone else's provisional also saying $0 in grants and loans but is receiving from other schools?

So my parents finally had a divorce in 2020. I say "finally" because I saw it coming and honestly wanted them to. They have been fighting for years and other problems made me just want them to get a divorce because the tension was horrible.
They got a divorce because my dad fucked up, but my mom was the one to move out. For years now my mom has told me that if they ever got a divorce she would take me and my brother and we would live happily alone. But because she already found a new partner while the divorce was still in motion, me and my brother did not want to go live with her because she promised it would only be the three of us. It's childish, I know, but me and my brother have been through a lot.
So me and my brother live with my dad now and it's fucking awful. Even though my dad messed everything up he pretends to be the victim. He acts like we have to pity him. He has always had an alcohol problem but ever since the divorce it got worse. He would always say "your mother did this to me". My dad stopped receiving a bonus at work because he's been slacking off and we spiraled down a financial disaster. He actually quit his job a month ago, making me even more worried about our financial situation.
My mom has always done the cooking and cleaning around the house so when she left I had to take over. I taught myself how to do the laundry and I had experience doing the dishes but never liked doing it because it's gross. My cooking was sometimes good but ive never made something disgusting. I always made sure my brother had clean clothes to wear to school and I would even spend the little money I had to buy something if we really needed it. Where I always spent my money for pleasure I now have to use it like an adult.
So, about my dad... Yeah he's acting like the victim but he also acts in charge, and I mean he felt like he was the boss of EVERYTHING. We had to ask permission for things that didn't need permission. We weren't allowed to do the dishes. He would tell us to leave the dishes because he said he would do it. And because we were scared of him, we listened. The dishes would just pile up for days and when I decide I'd had enough I would do the dishes, only to get yelled at afterwards. Other chores and activities would have the same outcome.
We weren't allowed to be sad. If we had a bad day at school and just wanted to stay in our room and be upset, he would for some reason always accuse my mom for being the reason for all sadness. If we had a disagreement about something he would always say "Why don't you go live with your mother!" "Why am I the bad guy?" It's exhausting.
My dad obviously has a smoking and drinking problem. My mom was strict about the smell of smoke in the house but after she left, my dad didn't care and would smoke indoors and his room was full of askes. A teacher even asked me one day if I was smoking because I came to school smelling like smoke. My dad could easily drink 1.5 litres of alcohol everyday. He would start drinking early in the morning untill he went to sleep so he's never sober. It made me and my brother not want to hang out with him, which made my dad mad.
My dad was emotionally abusive. He never physically hurt us, but his words has a huge impact on us. My dad is the cause of our trust issues, our paranoia, and our insecurities.
We are not allowed to make jokes. We are not allowed to have friends over. We are not allowed to go out with friends. We are not allowed to take part in school activities. We are not allowed to be children. We are not allowed to talk seriously with him. We are not allowed to have problems.
I hate my dad, and I'm sure he hates us as well.
I just finished highschool, so you might think I can finally start my own life, but no, I'm not allowed to leave. I'm not allowed to go to uni. I'm not allowed to get a driver's license.
I'm stuck here

I (M21) and ex-girlfriend (F21) I’ll call her Kate, have had an on/off relationship for 6 years. We met/reconnected in June of 2018 after having previously gone to elementary and middle school together until her mother pulled her from school.
Kate reached out to me during the summer between our freshman and sophomore year and we instantly hit it off. I ended up asking Kate to be my girlfriend in August of 2018 and we dated until March of 2019, we split for reasons I honestly don’t remember, we were 15/16 so it was likely something trivial. We both dated other people during summer 2019 and got back together in September 2019 after realizing the people we were with were essentially distractions that suppressed our feelings for each other.
After that, we dated from September 2019 until April of 2021. In October of 2020 Kate began receiving text messages from a bi-curious woman who had supposedly saw her at a party and asked her to indulge in her fantasies and would text Kate throughout the night, writing paragraphs about the things she wanted to do to her. It was revealed that this bi-curious women was actually her brother in-law and after a 2 week therapy course in Tennessee for his “sex addiction” Kate’s family allowed him back into the family and dismissed Kate’s feelings towards her predator, going as far as inviting him to family party’s and intentionally not inviting her as to not cause any drama. So to say Kate’s relationship with her family is on the rocks is an understatement. 2021 was my senior year and I had a choice to make, initially Kate had told me she wasn’t going to have a long distance relationship with me if I went to college, this weighed heavy on me and I decided I didn’t want my future to be dictated by her so I broke up with her. Shortly after we broke up Kate was unfortunately raped by her stepsisters boyfriends step brother and upon hearing this my entire world shattered. I reevaluated everything, including my priorities and decided I’d rather be with her than go to school. We got back together in June 2021 and dated again until February 2023.
In February 2023 Kate told me she didn’t know if I was a need or a want, and wanted time apart to understand if I was just comfort and security for her or if it was true love. We had a heart wrenching break up where Kate assured me we would be together in spirit. Four weeks later during spring break Kate was fucking a friend of hers that moved to Tennessee that was a few years older than us that she had met during her time being homeschooled and swore up and down he was a brother to her and whenever he was in town we would all hang out. They dated (long distance) from March 2023 until May 2023. Kate has since confessed her deep regret for doing this, and I do believe her. I missed Kate dearly so we got back together in June 2023 and dated until May 2024.
Shortly after Kate and I got back together in June 2023 she wanted to move out of her parents house and get away from the toxicity because it was affecting her mental health. Kate told me if I didn’t want to move out with her that was fine and she would find someone else to live with but I could already sense the resentment and I wanted to remove her from her situation at home so in true White Knight fashion, I suppressed my concerns of moving out and we started looking for apartments. We put the deposit down on a brand new 550 sqft unit in November and just had to wait until January for it to be built. Just before new year we found a single wide trailer for sale in a local park that was priced to sell and needed work. We ended up backing out of our apartment deposit and bought the single wide trailer for 10k cash split 50/50.
From January until May I worked on the trailer everyday after work. Completely renovated the kitchen down to studs, bathroom down to the studs, replaced a window and redid plumbing, got a new water heater and carpet in the living room, re-leveled the hallway and laid new flooring down the hall and replaced the washer and dryer area due to water damage and electrical concerns. Repainted every room, new baseboards, and bought new appliances for the kitchen (except the fridge). I’m a handy person and did most of these things myself and only subbed out the water heater and carpet install. I was pretty burnt out and what should’ve been exciting for us I slowly began to resent.
Kate and my mom/sisters weren’t on talking terms during this either due to “the dress incident” which really peeved me. My sisters are seniors this year and had to go prom dress shopping, my mom and sisters had overlapping schedules and ultimately the only day they could go get dresses was a day that Kate was unable to attend. This hurt Kate’s feelings so much she decided she wasn’t going to talk to them until they apologized for leaving her out. My mom and sisters never reached out because they didn’t even know Kate was upset and when they did find out she was upset they didn’t feel like they owed her an apology and that it was just unfortunate circumstances. I tried explaining to Kate that it did suck they went without her and I was sorry she was upset but ultimately there wasn’t anything that could be done and they didn’t intentionally hurt her so maybe she should just drop it. Kate went from regularly being at my house to never coming over and my family took notice. Eventually Kate did make peace with my mom and one of my sisters, but not both. My other sister lashed out at Kate and accused her of being manipulative and childish, my sister for whatever reason decided to compare their traumas as well (which is completely uncalled for) and voiced no desire to have a relationship with Kate. Kate took this as you would expect and distanced herself from my sister and my house. I was livid with my sister for lashing out and I wanted them to work things out and encouraged both of them to talk to each other to work things out but they are both very prideful and both were willing to die on their hill.
I’m very family oriented and the stress of Kate not having a solid relationship with my family was extremely taxing to me both mentally and emotionally and this was on top of renovating the trailer and my suppressed feelings towards moving out. I totally checked out and eventually broke up with Kate. Now I’m wondering if I made the right choice or if I’m going to regret leaving my best friend and love of my life because I am just emotionally exhausted from the arguments and not totally being ready to move out. Kate has said she is willing to do couples therapy and I can live at home and she loves me deeply but I just don’t know anymore, the whole situation is the culmination of so many factors it’s hard to pinpoint why I want to leave, I just do but a part of me wants to keep fighting.

A few months ago I got hired at my moms work and I stayed there for a few months until I quit (I was working full time and a student full time, my grades were dropping so I left to focus on school).
I was fine with this as I saved up over 3k from those few months, and thought it would be able to hold me over until summer started (I live at my parents still so I don't pay rent, and scholarships covered my fall/spring tuition), however during the passing months, my parents asked me to borrow money. My dad doesn't work at all..it's bad, he stopped working for years and he makes my mom pay for everything (he hasn't paid his credit cards in months, all he does is watch tv), so my mom asked me to borrow money (she makes 10/hr, which is NOT enough to cover anything in our house). I said it was okay at first because I felt bad for her and I didn't want her to struggle since it wasn't her fault.
Fast forward to today, my parents have borrowed 2.7k worth of my money. It's horrible. I know my mom can't really pay me back and my dad just gets mad when I mention it. I legitimately just paid off my summer tuition today, so I was left with only $80 in my bank account. I also really wanted to apply to a LSAT prep class but I didn't have enough money, so I told them I wanted to apply to a job. My mom was furious and doesn't want me working, and my dad doesn't want to drive me anywhere that's too far (he says it's too tiring...yet he does nothing all day, also, the only car we have at the moment is my twin sisters car which she left to me for the summer since she's moving to her fiances - I was also never really taught how to drive, and they don't want to teach me, I can drive on the country side but nowhere in the city). My mom said she will pay me back but I don't think she can, with all the bills that she has to pay and everything (once again, not really my moms fault, I blame it all on my lazy dad)
I just don't know what to do and I'm stressing out. I know a part of it is my fault, I shouldn't have let them take that much money from me. I also should’ve tried to been more independent when I was young, but it’s always just felt like they had a hold on what my twin and I do (we weren’t allowed to start driving so we paid for the test and “learned” by other people, we weren’t able to go out with friends til junior year of highschool, etc) I'm so stressed out, I don't know if ill be able to pay for the LSAT prep I wanted to do, as I wanted to take my test this fall. I don't know if there's any remote jobs available.. I just don't know anymore.

I’m on my third 3 day ban. I have had an Ethernet cable connecting my pc directly to my router. Everything used to work great, even if my WiFi was a little shitty sometimes. I just don’t understand what’s happening now? I really do feel like it’s something with BHVR. I’ve been getting a lot of error messages that say “a player disconnected while loading into match.” I got three in a row of those one day.
I can play basically one round if I’m lucky before I disconnect and it says “disconnected from local server.”
Like I’m just genuinely confused at this point. Support doesn’t do anything. My wifi hasn’t changed at all between the months I was at school and now. Idk man. I’ve tried asking support if it could possibly be their servers but I just get some automated response. I can’t even play the game anymore.

I finally trusted you again and I'm heart broken. I thought we were at at point where we would eventually be able to work through this together. It wasn't there yet but, there was hope again.
You were becoming a good Dad and a caring romantic partner.
I've had glimmers of hope through out the years:
-Fruit strip gum and 5th grade mouth shirt.
-When you asked me out in 6th grade and we had a homework date, with your weird nice Dad on his dial up internet.
-When you kissed me on my roof, while I was wearing my striped Contempo belly shirt (the next time we hung out you asked if you could pick Rosemary's sunflowers to give to Rae)
-When we went to homecoming together (but you took shrooms with Vinnie, so you were off, we danced a little.)
-When we had strange sex on your dorm room couch (my first time.) Followed by you discarding me when we were supposed to hang out next, after having my Mom drive 3 hours to get you, you didn't hang out with me when we got home. You NEEDED to go to the mall with again, Rae. I guess not a glimmer.
-Then I guess we were sex friends and kind of together, you spent lots of time at my house. You were so kind to my family (other than the time we got my 11 year old brother high and potentially ruined his mental health forever. This timeline isn't accurate but I thought of it.

• You were kind to my brother. Thank you for that. You really were a great brother in law to him. Be probably misses you.

-When you moved in with me . You had no where else to go but I pretended it was because you wanted to be with me. (We had some good times there, our room was toxic)
-We did ecstasy and had sex the football field. That was fun.
-You introduced me to your cold, cold family. They told/tell me I'm family too but that dynamic is weird. I don't envy that upbringing.
-We were a long distance couple but it was official. I ruined my education to make it work. I don't really regret that you're better than an education at that school.

• You told me a ghost told you we had to be together. I believed that piece only. Blocked out all the red flags, including Jessica (we've gone over that enough.) Dropped out of college and ran to you. You went back to her.

-She dumped you (finally, how many abortions later?) and you called me and played the thrown away song (not a glimmer, I was just glad you broke up, remember I made a decision to love you when I was 13.)
-You got jealous that I had a boyfriend and I brought his dog home from Florida. We had sex on my Mom's porch.
-You came down to Florida and saw I had good friends and was doing ok without you, you wanted me back (but you wanted to keep fucking all the strange that you were fucking and were ok with me doing the same until we got back together. I never touched anyone after that call, I don't care if you did.)
-Our Fernwood house was nice, I loved that you got me Stoops. You punched a hole in the door that I fixed witb painters plaster and we hung out with Jamie too much ( one night while I was sleeping I think something might have happened with you two but if you read everything before this you can see I'm not feeling secure in this relationship so who knows.)
-You were nice to my family, you loved my Mom and could converse with "Cool Cal," Diane and Jackie (they're tough.)

• You started talking about the band. You played a song (I didn't think it was that good, I didn't tell you that.) I wanted you to be famous, you deserve that. You're amazing!

-We went to California. You were so anxious and cruel the day we left. Then you told me you "just wanted to take care of me." My Mom told me to never be with someone who said that, that's what my Dad said to her. I didn't listen.

• You never got a job when we lived in Caifornia, I was OK with that. No one else was including Jesse. You took care of the house and made me food and really seemed to love me. I was happy. (I don't care if you did weird shit on tour, you came back to me,)

-We came back to Michigan, we built a home. We were broke and lost together.

• We went to Karen and Tom's wedding, I was proud to have you by my side, we were in love and I was pregnant.

-YOU DID NOT WANT KIDS (you told me this when we were about 17, you said you wanted to be with me but didn't want kids, maybe we would adopt when we were older.)
-I'm sorry I never listened to your words and tried to wish you into the person I dreamed you were. That's too much to live up to. I really am sorry I do this.
-We had the kids and they make all of this worth it.
-We didn't have 1 of them. I couldn't have another one without your support. We had sex on the washing machine and you told me you loved me and we could keep that baby. The next day you changed your mind. I didn't really want to do it again either but it felt good for a few minutes that you were agreeing to one.
-I cried and cried at that appointment once I was called back, you hardly looked at me while we were waiting, you were stoic. I couldn't have anymore kids with someone that didn't want them.
-I saw a blue meteor, I thought we should buy the blue house. The one I knew you would love, that came up on Zillow from time to time. I never told you about it because it was way too much work. Only the best version of both of us could handle that house.
-Zelda came, I was so happy for that one glimmer when that test was negative. But it wasn't.
-You told me "don't expect anything from me when that baby comes." I should have listened to your words
-Covid- I have writing longer than this and pictures of all the horrible, violent, heinous shit you said when that hit. I thought we would reset and bond and spend quality family time. Ha, see above. What the fuck is wrong with me? I have hope.
-Divorce. You threatened to kill me and all our kids. That's probably time to stop pretending this is working.
-I didn't stop pretending, we kept on. I held you and excused you and supported you. I fucked you with a passion I could never give you before because really it was already over and it didn't matter.
-It started to matter, you were helpful and kind again. You had your set backs but you seemed ready to finally commit to me and the kids.

• You went nuts, I soldiered on trying to make a living to support 3 kids, putting my interests on the shelf. I pushed you away so they wouldn't have to see you like that. I wanted to help you but I needed to protect them more.

-I asked you to get yourself help, you did.
-You called me a trigger and found your support from other women and not me.
-I feel lost without you, this is what I know.
-I feel like you can finally protect and love the kids.
-That's good!
-I'm strong but I need support too. You can't give that to me. I am choosing not to love you so I can find someone who will.

• I let you do this because I choose to love you. Why did you do?

*This shit is really a cycle and I've spun out at 43. I don't regret any of it, he gave me 3 beautiful kids. I was trying to me positive with this but almost every poitive thing is riddled with underlying negative that I pretended wasn't there at the time. *
If he/she's great but constantly makes makes you feel uneasy it's time to go!
Night, night 🌙 strong ladies and gents!

I guess more like “tantrum it out” in this case. Almost 3 year old has been a nightmare at bedtime recently. She’s totally fine up until the minute we close the door, and then starts wailing. When I don’t respond, it turns into screaming, kicking the walls, and now running to the door and trying to get out (locks from the outside).
I do not want to let her cry. She’s had a tough few months with a lot of changes: new sibling, move, potty training, transition to big girl bed, starting “school” (one day per week) and I know it’s hard.
But everything I do seems to make it worse. At first the requests were unusual, so I just went in and helped her. When I realized they were fake, I tried to ignore them but it escalated quickly. I tried standing outside her door and reassuring her, now she gets furious that I’m not coming in. I tried “checking in” every 5 minutes, now she demands check ins.
She has always been a great sleeper and fell asleep independently from about 2 months old on. We never formally sleep trained but we have let her cry it out during various regressions. Very consistent bedtime routine (bath, pajamas, potty, book, songs) at the same time every night. Ready to wake clock.
Do I just need to endure the tantrums for a week? Can I support her without creating bad habits?

14th: Jud “Fabio” Birza (Nicaragua - Winner)

MOVIE STAR JUD \"FABIO\" BIRZA
u/SMC0629:
Fabio, my second favorite winner of the entire show, he’s just too much fun. He perfectly encapsulates the trainwreck that is Nicaragua, and is the best winner for it as well. He gets to the end by just being himself, a decent amount of luck, physical strength, and a tiny bit of strategy. I know there’s some who seem to think Fabio is brought down by this factor of the edit building him up to know what he was doing, apparently undermining everything before the endgame. If you ask me though, who’s to say he DIDN’T have a tiny strategic mind in there? It seemed perfectly reasonable and in character for me, and it only improved him for me. Love Fabio, so happy he made it this far.
~
u/DryBonesKing:
From the same editing program that watered down Mike Gabler from OTT weirdo to a CP-lite strategic player “hiding in plain sight”, we have his prototype - the OTT blond surfer-bro that the players literally changed his name from Jud to Fabio because of how he comes across that gets a watered down CP-lite strategic edit of “they don’t realize I’m actually really smart, y’all!” Quit being cowards CBS! Give us the Goofball Fabio winner edit! #LetFabioBeFuckingWeird
I stand by the Gabler-Fabio comparison, but despite how much I dislike how the CP-edit kills Gabler’s character potential, I think Nicaragua does somehow make it work with Fabio. I blame the cast itself; with people like NaOnka, Marty, Jimmy T, Jane, Shannon, Dan Lembo, and whatever the fuck a “Benry” is supposed to be, “Fabio” almost does come across sane in comparison. As such, he can get these confessionals about pretending to be dumb and it does almost work just because the people he is surrounded by just feel literally ripped from Loony Tunes.
But despite it kinda working here, I do think Fabio is hilarious when he’s just allowed to be this weirdo that no one takes seriously, that ultimatley ends up winning because he’s surrounded by two people who have truly pissed off the jury. He’s a fun character with a truly unique winner’s story, and ultimately, I just REALLY dig his vibe. I wish I had him Top 100. But I also just wish we got a full season with the “real” Fabio as opposed to the occasional cuts to CBS trying to water him down to his most strategically-presentable version. #LetFabioBeFuckingWeird #ReleaseTheFabioOTTWinnerEdit
Overall Rank – 115/821
~
u/Zanthosus:
While I’ve never been as big on Nicaragua as many in the rankdown circle, I still appreciate a lot of what the season does and represents. And I think that Fabio’s win is the perfect ending for the clusterfuck of a season that preceded it.
~
u/Tommyroxs45:
Fabio’s run on Nicaragua is simply iconic and is a great way for the season to end. Having this likable underdog beast his way to the end under all odds against him is so satisfying. I’m happy he made this endgame even if I personally don’t have him here.
u/Regnisyak1:
Fabio is cool. I have him probably lower than a lot of people comparatively, but he was a ray of sunshine on such a negative season, and his win coming out of nowhere was great. He played the surfer bro role correctly, and while I don’t think he necessarily had the greatest ability to lead a season, he is a necessary feature in making it thrive and giving it such a large cult following here. Glad he made it after a long gap.
Personal Rank: 77/821. 9/10.
~
u/ninjedi1:
Jud “Fabio” Birza (1st Place, Nicaragua)
I love Fabio. He’s easily one of my favorite winners of all time. Every time I reevaluate my winners rankings, Fabio at worst will be the third best winner for me. Plus, as an added bonus, he also stars in my favorite B movie of all time, My Stepbrother is a Vampire!?!, which I won on DVD (I’m not joking, who do you think got the screenshot of Fabio for this writeup?). I mentioned in my Colby 3.0 writeup how I consider Nicaragua the last true old school season of Survivor, and that’s because it feels like a big fuck you to strategy, and Fabio plays a huge role in it. Enough of simply stating my love for Fabio’s character, it's time to describe why he’s so great.
The first episode properly sets Fabio up as who he is as a character this season. He gets the first confessional of the season, talking about how dangerous it really is out there and how it's not like the zoo cause it's all real (the first hint of the winner for being the first confessional of the season). He then gets put on the young people tribe, which he says are his people. One of Fabio’s main characteristics gets shown right at the start, where he basically says that they could use a snorkel flipper to collect rainwater, and when Chase said Fabio looked like he would be good in the water, Fabio instantly gets a woodchip in his foot, making him rescind the comment. Shannon then has a confessional where he calls Fabio a dumb blonde, and it instantly cuts to Fabio getting pinched by a crab claw. He then starts calling Fabio his titular nickname…uh…Fabio. This quickly catches on in the tribe, and even at the first challenge where Jeff tries to talk to “Jud”, the tribe corrects him, saying that they only know Fabio. This is Fabio’s first characterization, that he’s a goofball that isn’t taken seriously. While that’s a big characterization, it's not the most important one. The important one is shown in his confessional responding to his new nickname. He comes off surprised that everyone is calling him Fabio, calling the guy a cheeseball, but then says that he doesn’t care what people are going to call him cause he’s going to win the million dollars (in the weirdest audio edit ever) so people can call him Fabio. This highlights his second characterization, and the most important one, he is aware of what other people think of him.
Of course, just because he’s aware of his status doesn’t necessarily mean he has great strategic capabilities. This is shown in the first La Flor vote, where it's looking to be between either Shannon and Brenda, and Fabio was voting for Brenda with Shannon’s. However, Shannon has a huge meltdown at tribal, which clearly would be bad to stick with and would be better to switch sides. However, Fabio ends up sticking with Shannon anyways, voting for Brenda and going “I guess this is the vote?”, which put him on the outs. This would normally be an issue, but since everyone sees him as a goofball, he’s not near the bottom of the pecking order. It also helps that La flor will win every immunity from here on out until the swap happens, and while not happy at first that a swap was happening, he happy with the end result, as he ends up in the majority with the OG La Flor members, although some La Flor members aren’t too happy to work with Fabio strategically. Luckily though, Fabio would successfully make it to merge, where his true game would begin.
I would usually just talk about what Fabio did throughout the merge, but I would rather highlight his interactions with key people from the merge, as they all highlight Fabio’s main characteristics to varying degrees and also help add to his story.
Alina
Alina and Fabio don’t interact too much, as Alina would spend most of her time with Kelly B and then gets swapped onto Espada when the tribe swap happens, separating her from Fabio. But when they return at the merge, Alina ends up getting targeted for her involvement with the missing food fiasco. When she tries to pitch to Fabio to keep her around, he just flat out tells her that people want her out cause she’s dangerous and people think she always has a hidden motive. This does reflect back to earlier in the game, when they were both at the bottom but no one was worried about Fabio and wanted Alina and Kelly B out first. This would carry over all the way over to that moment now. Fabio has more on the pulse in the game than people think as shown here, and he’s able to avoid it due to how he plays up the perception of him.
Marty
On paper, it makes no sense for Marty to vote for Fabio as the winner. How could the most strategic guy on Espada vote for the least strategic person in the game? However, the relationship they develop over time is what really shines. When Marty gets swapped onto La Flor, everyone from OG La Flor either wants him out, or to use him for strategic gain. Fabio is really the only guy from OG La Flor that has his back. Fabio tells Marty about Naonka getting the clue, and when OG La Flor wants to split the vote and get Marty out, Fabio fights for Marty to stay. Even though Marty does trick Fabio by claiming he was a chess grandmaster, he does warm up to Fabio. They even work together at the merge, although that ends up being short-lived as Marty is taken out
Naonka and Purple Kelly
I have to lump these two together since they both highlight the one issue with Fabio’s story. Unfortunately, since both of them quit, they both get slaughtered by the edit, which in turn ends up hurting Fabio’s story since they’re both key to it. With Naonka, she is Fabio’s biggest adversary. She finds his antics way more annoying than funny, and actively yells at him when he complains to her about something, and pretty much dislikes him all around. The feeling appears to be neutral while there on La Flor, but not all is what it seems. When merge comes around Fabio and Naonka reunite again, they actually hug and get along. Even if that ends up being short lived when Naonka steals food, but when she gets cornered and comes clean about it, Fabio is the only one to thank her for doing that. Eventually, all that kindness pays off when at the F9 reward, Naonka is the one to fill him in on the Brenda vote. When FTC comes around, Naonka, despite everything that they’ve been through, calls Fabio her hippy friend and asks about how seeing his Mom gave him the strength to keep going, and Fabio gives a heartfelt answer, telling her about how much he misses his Mom and that it was the fuel he needed to make it all the way to the end of the game. Despite their rocky relationship, Naonka ends up giving Fabio her vote to win.
Purple Kelly is another important aspect of Fabio’s story that unfortunately gets buried due to the assassination edit given to Purple Kelly. Everyone knows that Kelly was miserable due to being given very little clothes to keep her warm during Nicaragua’s monsoon season, which led to her quitting. The only real time it gets acknowledged is when Fabio mentions that now Purple Kelly can sleep when they win the tarp, which is barely heard because it happens the same time that Chase finds a hidden immunity idol clue in the tacklebox. But it's interesting that Fabio is the one to vocally acknowledge it, as he’s the one who’s most involved in it. It's never mentioned, but you do always see it. Multiple times throughout Nicaragua, you can see Kelly wearing Fabio’s yellow jacket. He allowed her to wear it sometimes when she was cold to help her stay warm. Just that kind of gesture along from Fabio helping her out the best he could, led to her voting for Fabio to win in the end.
Benry
I don’t have much to say about Fabio’s relationship with Benry, but there are two things I want to highlight from it. The first is during the Marty vote, where Benry says that the best plan is to lay low and play stupid, while Fabio says that he hated playing stupid but it was the smartest thing to do. Fast forward to the F7, and the vote is between Fabio and Benry. The main alliance of Chase, Sash, Holly, and Jane are deciding who should go between Fabio, who everyone on the jury loves and could win, or Benry, who could go on an immunity run to the end. While Fabio is in general clueless at the vote and is still “playing stupid”, Benry ends up playing really hard to get the vote onto Fabio, which freaks out Chase and leads to the alliance voting out Benry over Fabio. And guess who ends up going on an immunity run right after F6 and makes it to the end and wins?
Jane
At the first merge immunity, it's a double immunity where the last standing man and woman would win immunity. When it came down to the men, the last two guys standing were Fabio and Chase. Ultimately though, it would be Chase that drops first, giving Fabio immunity. The only person that Fabio really had to compete against was Jane. This is a great foreshadow to the end of Jane’s store as well as the continuation of Fabio’s. Both of their stories are kind of similar overall, both of them end up on the outs of their starting tribe, they get new life when the swap happens, they're both overall well liked, and they were both screwed over by Chase during the loved ones visit. Both of them had strong cases to win the game just with overall likability, but one of them would have to go to allow the other one to thrive, and when Fabio comes in clutch to win F6 immunity, the majority alliance decides to cut Jane as a threat, allowing Fabio to fully harness Jane’s power to get to the end.
Sash and Chase
Once again I’m going to lump these two together because they are the ones that end up sitting next to Fabio at the end. You have big strategy Sash and country boy Chase. On paper, it should be one of these two that should win the season instead of Fabio. They were both in control for most if not all of the game, and the only reason why Fabio was there was because he won a couple immunities at the end. But yet, Fabio is the one to clutch out the title of sole survivor. Why? In my opinion, it's because Fabio is always himself, so people see him as a genuine guy, while the other two come off as terrible or fake.
Sash's main game is strategy, doing whatever he needs to get ahead of the game and make it farther. Any bond he has with someone is only on a surface level which makes him come off as sleazy and slimy, while Fabio is always genuine with his feelings and relationships with people. No one highlights this better than Marty. Marty’s main relationships involving La Flor were mainly Fabio and Sash. While Fabio always liked Marty and gets to know Marty on a personal level, Sash only really talks to Marty for strategy and cons him out of his idol on the promise of keeping him around longer. And when Sash no longer needed to keep Marty around anymore, he burned him and voted him out. Everything Sash does comes off as slimy to everyone, even his allies, while Fabio remains pure and genuine.
With Chase, it's a bit of a different story. Chase wants to be the good guy, but gets caught up in the strategy, and keeps ending up being on both sides. He always gets flip floppy and wishy washy when it comes to voting someone out or for rewards, which ends up annoying people. It's not a problem at first, but it definitely is when he starts making promises to people that he can’t keep which upsets them more, hurting his image and makes people like him less. The biggest example to this is the loved ones visit where he promised to take Fanio on reward with him if he won. However, Chase ends up burning both Fabio and Jane, who expect Chase to pick her. This leads to both Fabio and Jane being upset, and even Fabio telling Jane about the promise Chase made, which also pissed off Dan who was there. Chase always wants to maintain being the good guy while he is playing the game but struggles because of his indecisions and breaking of promises, while Fabio is actually able to maintain that status all throughout.
This all pays off at FTC, where we finally get to see Fabio speak out against the two guys, talking about how he actually got to play the game that Chase wanted to play. He talks about how played hard by being himself and being an open book for everyone, and never backstabbed anyone in the game which Sash could never do and Chase wishes he could do. He laughs when Sash calls him a wingman, telling him to take a backseat and take some notes. He doesn’t even let jurors who put him down get in his way, as when Alina says that he wants to vote for a man to win, not a boy, Fabio said he deserved to win, and when Chase said that winning three immunities didn’t mean he outwit, outplay, or outlast hi, Fabio points out that that’s outplaying him and he chose to bring Chase to the end and then says that Sash didn’t outplay anyone. I know people usually say that Chase had the better FTC performance since he flipped votes to his side, but that doesn’t matter (and is also wrong) as Fabio will end up clenching a 5-4 victory in one of the best endings to a season I could ever ask for, and that’s awesome.
SMC0629: 5
DryBonesKing: 19
Zanthosus: 20
Tommyroxs45: 15
Regnisyak1: 21
DavidW1208: 7
ninjedi1: 2
Average Placement: 12.714
Total Points: 89
Standard Deviation: 7.889 (3rd Highest)