This is a continuation of my work (making a new post instead of a bigger wall of text, previous posts url: Translating to German and then Flipping : KryptosK4 (reddit.com))
Hello, I did some more work and seem to think I have figured something definitive out (which might not have been a question to begin with in the first place).
So my mind couldn't stop thinking about "AT I", which I derived out previously. Adding to my rush was another post made by another user on codes (url: Thoughts on Kryptos : codes (reddit.com)) mentioning IOCs (Index of Coincidence), which has the same acronym as IOC (International Olympic Committee), which is something I figured out may be tied to BERLIN CLOCK beforehand. Maybe something regarding Index of Coincidence needs to be used with K4. In turn, this may indirectly strengthens "AT I" being something real too.
In short, I wanted to focus more on "at I". So I began to think, seeing if it is actually an encryption key and/or a clue. What I found is interesting. When Mr. Sanborn gave his first clue in 2010, he only revealed Berlin, nothing else. Then later he revealed Clock. The placement of the words, and the timing of it seems to indicate that these two are related of course, but maybe more so than we previously thought.
Here is the an overlay of the Kryptos text, with the plain text below. The spacing is to keep the two words separate and thus easier to see what I will write below.
NYPVTT MZFPK
BERLIN CLOCK
Now what I noticed is that for Berlin, the first "T" leads to an "I", and the second "T" leads to an "N". Now I don't exactly know how I formulated this out, but the first "T" I imagined to be related to "AT I". It just kinda felt right. But then I connected this with "T is your position" and thought position is actually related to abscissa (note I later learned it doesn't need to be), and went to the right side keyed Vigenère, and using "T" as the abscissa and "A" as the other index for the vertical, I found it gives me "N".
Now, this all likely still isn't enough to be proof that "AT I" is valid phrase that should be looked into, but more proof is building for it. This next thing however really is interesting.
I wondered if instead of code per say, should "AT I" be taken literally. As in "at 'I'". With this, I used the Vigenère (I am gonna call it Vinny from now on), and found there are two diagonals consisting of "I"'s. Now I feel like I have found something incredible. For the top portion "I" line in Vinny, I traced its endpoint in both directions, and saw two "Q"'s at each end. Yep. And then when I again applied Q being one coordinate, and K being the other (last Kryptos letter for CLOCK) I saw it end up at "K" again.
It's not over. Then I saw in Vinny something I had already seen before hand, now I see in the Wikipedia article too. Vinny is an optical illusion. "BETWEEN SUBTLE SHADING AND THE ABSENCE OF LIGHT LIES THE NUANCE OF IQLUSION" Note the "I" leads into the "Q" for K1. Note how at least in the Wikipedia article, above the "I" line is "subtle shading" and below it is "the absence of light" that is the "MNQ" wall...
WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Now this isn't absolute proof that "AT I" is in fact a legitimate thing. For starters, the Wikipedia article has black text. Kryptos actually will be yellow or white text, as the light shines into and through the letters. But we can apply the logic of inversing the colors as another "flip" per say, and even more so even with white text on black backgrounding, the optical illusion exists, and "I" leading to "Q" matches. Also this use of Vinny only applies to BERLIN CLOCK right now. I did try to apply this for EAST NORTHEAST, but I couldn't find any bigger patterns or proof. But I don't think it is needed. BERLIN CLOCK was stated long before EAST NORTHEAST, that the timing is suspect, making me think BERLIN CLOCK is its own thing, and a frequency of two is enough, especially with other things considered. I think we can trust this is what ABC was supposed to lead to as well.
So... yeah. I feel that gives a lot of validity to "AT I", and also my previous work in regard to that. But I wasn't done yet and found one last thing, bringing further proof that the Swedish Dodo is actually legitimate.
"T IS YOUR POSITION E" is strange. It can be just taken at face value, or as commonly thought "WHAT IS YOUR POSITION E" rather. I also added to that by stating it maybe "IT IS YOUR POSITION E". Well, focusing on "T is" rather than the next two variants, I happened to see one last thing in Vinny. The first row has an "E". Below that, is a "T". "T IS YOUR POSITION E" is actually a question we are sending to his holiness, KING TUT. So basically, in my last post I realized that the Morse Code has a joke where in a sense King Tut, who's discovery is stated in K3, is actually trying to communicate with us. Well, turns out, in Vinny, the "T" below the "E" (the "E" being an abscissa) is actually the last letter in the first portion of the second line, that matters.
"AKRYPT"
aka. "A KRYPT!"
Yep. It's right there. Now, I may have at least had some subconscious and reddit help. See, in this very subreddit, of which I still a very new part, there is one pinned post for the all the letters in K4. However, underneath it, is a unique comment. Only one, by u/Infinite_Force1227.
"Tosa tosa tosa tosa"
I have no idea what plane this person is thinking on. Maybe he is the legendary man who responded to Steve Harvey's "Pork", with "Upine", but holy moly (I wanna avoid curse words), but below the "T" of "A KRYPT" is in fact TOSA. I don't know how... But at least the ABC does in fact match with TOS, thus indicating a kinda bridge present, and filling it in gives of course King Tut letting us know where he is you know.
Now, here is the final dash of sprinkles. KRYPT is technically Polish for crypt. Google translate to the rescue again. But as mentioned, there are two clocks (technically more) in Berlin. One, the true Berlin Clock, and the other, the World Clock itself. The world clock has a compass at the bottom. Going EAST NORTHEAST gets you too POLAND.
So there isn't just German involved here, but also definitely Polish, and very likely Swedish. That did bug me as to why the Dodo was Dront, but now I know. Anyhow, this is my progress so far. If you have read this far, then thank you.

Hello again velo, It's me. The guy that rides uphill in Japan. On my last post I mentioned some differences in racing in Japan saying it was for another post. Well, there appeared to be some interest in me making that post. As I mentioned then... I tend to ramble. I'm an English teacher at a small high school which leaves me with a lot of free time. I enjoy spending that time researching anything from training methodology to obscure Japanese history. I decided to use some of that time to write about road racing in Japan and it turned into... well, whatever this is. It's (sort of) a guide to racing your bike over here. I've organized it into sections, so feel free to read it all or skip through them. At the end I've attached racing adjacent notes as well as a small bio.
If this post is not appropriate for this subreddit, I understand. And while I don't want to self-promote I spend most of my time reading about Japan not only because I live here, but also because my wife and I host a podcast. We mostly ramble about our lives here as foreigners. It's mostly cultural, but as long time competetive cyclists we often talk about bikes too. We host a website where I write random articles, which is where this is ultimately hosted, with photos. If you're curious you can google my username and find us.
I tried to think about things I've learned along the way and put it into writing for anyone in the future that might move to Japan and have an interest in racing. If you have any questions or see any information gaps, feel free to ask! In September we'll be moving to the Netherlands... so maybe I'll have to do this all over again then. Anyway, without further rambling, here it is.
Race License
There are actually quite a lot of road events throughout the country. However, many are marketed towards recreational cyclists. Going as far as incorporating anti-competition clauses in their rules. So what do you do if you want to race? For starters, you’ll head to the Japan Cycling Federation’s website and register for a license. It’s in Japanese, but with the magic of Google Translate it shouldn’t be too hard to navigate. This is also for those currently residing in Japan. I think otherwise you would need an international license issued from your country’s governing body.
While on their website you can check the calendar of events that are scheduled. But, it’s not as simple as where I am from (USA) where once you have a license you can register yourself for almost any event and just show up.
Race Organizers
In most cases while the JCF is the licensing body, they are not the event coordinator. Events are hosted by a number of different governing bodies within the country. There’s the Japan Intercollegiate Cycling Federation (JICF), Japan Cycling League (JCL), prefectural federations such as the Yamaguchi Cycling Federation and finally the Japan Bicyclist Club Federation (JBCF). There are a lot of Js, Cs and Fs in the acronym lexicon over here. In this post I’ll be focusing on the JBCF because it was sold to me as Japan’s premier race organizer and the highest level of racing in Japan. It also seems to have the most robust calendar of events.
Declaration of my bias and shortcoming: The JBCF is the only organizer I’ve had any meaningful experience with. No, they’re not paying me. However I have won a cool towel, a coffee cup and some bar tape at their events. Actually I’ve given them quite a bit of money…
Teams
So you’ve got your JCF license and like me you’ve decided to participate in the JBCF. What’s next? Register for a JBCF account, sign up for events, race your bike? Almost. You do need to register for an account. After that, you need to find a team. That’s right, you need to be registered with a JBCF team to participate in races. This was a surprise to me and also a barrier to entry at first. As a new resident of Japan I didn’t know anyone here let alone a team that would let a random foreigner join.
How’d I do it then? Well, the first team I joined was through a friend of a friend of a friend. My second and current team I ended up getting to know because I took a bunch of KOMs around my new home. I guess Strava KOMs are worth something after all. If you’re looking for a team you could start by asking local shops, they often have a club organization that you can sign up for. If you’re desperate you can also make your own team. It used to only require two people, but I think they increased that to three or four.
Costs
I’m writing this in May of 2024, so the costs will be current as of that month. The USD to JPY conversion is sitting around 1 USD = 155 JPY.
Your first cost will be the JCF license fee. In my case, an elite rider over 23 years old, it was 5,000y for an e-license and 6,300y for the physical one. My first year I used the e-license, but my second year I paid for the physical one as a cool souvenir.
Beyond the license. You’ll need a team kit (bibs & jersey) and you may also be required to pay the athlete registration fee. To join my E1 team in 2024 I paid 43,000 yen. That included one team kit and the registration fee plus some small accessories (gloves, bottle, etc.). In E1 I paid all my own entry fees, which were approximately 8,500y per race.
My JPT experience was a special case. I paid roughly $1,200 (usd). But I received two kits (jerseys & bibs), a speed suit (SS skinsuit), windbreaker, vest, socks, etc. I also had the benefit of the “pro” treatment at races with lots of assistance. Was it a cold rainy day? I could ask for embro and they’d oil me up with a little massage. Needed a bike wash, snacks, or a trainer to warm up on? All provided. And all of my entry fees were covered. I never paid those out of pocket. It was a really cool experience and honestly I think I got my money's worth just in the races that I attended, let alone all the extras. Plus the team was above and beyond hospitable. A really great bunch of people.
Categories
Once you’re on a team you’re good to go! So which category should you race in? The JBCF has 5 big categories: Japan Pro Tour (JPT), Japan Elite Tour (JET), Japan Feminin Tour (F), Japan Youth Tour (Y1 & Y2), and the Japan Masters Tour (M). JET is further broken down into E1, E2 & E3. The general idea is male riders start as E3 and through results they work their way up to E1. If they’re highly motivated they’ll target a placement on a JPT Team.
Unfortunately for the women, I believe there is only one lump “Female” category. But in one of my most recent races a woman lined up with us for our race start. So that may be an option. For the Youth there’s U19 & U17. Masters is similar to the women’s category and I believe there is simply one “Masters” event, without age ranges.
Using what I know (USA Cycling Categories) I’ll try to make a comparison. E3 is your Cat 4/5 or Novice rank. E2 is around Cat 3/4 and E1 is roughly one big P/1/2/3 field. JPT is something like the US’s Domestic Elite field. Some JPT teams (and even some E1 teams) are UCI Continental teams. Although, honestly, some JPT riders are probably equivalent to strong Cat 3s.
In America I raced as a Cat 2 on the road, albeit I was a pretty weak 2. My first year in Japan I raced JPT and was able to hang in the peloton and finish events. My second year I raced as an E1, where I was very competitive and able to fight for podium finishes. That’s my experience and my basis for the above comparisons.
Events
Once you’ve got all the above figured out, it’s time to finally race! The JBCF organizes the following events: Road, Criterium, Hill Climb, Time Trial and Track. Criterium, Time Trial & Track are pretty similar to what you’d find anywhere else in the world. So for this post I’ll really just focus on Road and Hill Climb.
It’s worth noting that except for track, all of these events take place on public roads. But, unlike the USA, it seems the general rule in Japan is that for a race to be a “race” the roads need to be closed to traffic. Sounds great, right? Right! Or, mostly. Japan is a beautiful country with incredible scenery and fantastic road riding. Unfortunately, the JBCF uses very little of this. I think to minimize inconveniencing locals, cut costs, and make their lives easier, most of these events will take place on already closed circuits or around agricultural land (where no one lives or drives anyway). In practice they are “public” roads, but they only need to shut down one or two entrances to close off the entire loop.
Many “road” events are just very long short circuit races. A popular venue that hosts multiple races throughout the season is the Gunma Cycle Sports Center. This is a defunct cycling theme park built in the 1980s with a paved 6 km circuit. Some of the races in the higher categories can be up to 150 km! That’s 25 laps! And, they’ll be pulling riders. When I was racing JPT it was often a big accomplishment just to finish a race. It was a common occurrence for a break to get established with the big teams represented and the rest of the field to sit up, inevitably getting pulled before being lapped. It’s not uncommon for well over half of the field to DNF early on in these longer races. Sometimes to add a little spice to your life, they’ll run the course in the opposite direction one weekend.
So, I’m biased, but that style of “road racing” wasn’t for me. That’s what led me to the Hill Climb. At first, I thought it was just an uphill TT. But, it's a mass start! The last one I did was Mt. Ontake HC which was a 17.7km race gaining 1,150 meters in elevation finishing at an altitude just under 2,200m. I finished in 51 minutes. It’s more like an uphill criterium. You might explode, but you won’t get pulled. It’s also, of course, point to point.
Good things to know about a Hill Climb are the controlled descent and luggage delivery. When you finish you’ll be waiting at the top of the climb for all other riders and categories to finish. Sometimes this means you’re waiting for an hour or more! Thankfully the morning of the race you can give a bag to the organizers and they will deliver it to the top of the mountain. This is a great way to make sure you have extra layers and snacks waiting for you. Just make sure it’s packed in a bag that you can then easily carry with you on the descent.
Be extra mindful of the forecast. At Ontake in 2024 we started at the base of the mountain in temperatures around 16 celsius. At the summit it was 7 degrees and it started to rain! Thankfully I had a teammate who had driven to the top (you must register your vehicle) and he gave me a lift back down. If you’re riding down, the descent will be done in waves which are chaperoned and controlled by officials on motorcycles.
Registering
I can only tell you my experience and I’m not certain that this is how it always works. When I was in the JPT, I never paid for an event. Each team could send six riders and the team manager made a selection based on which riders requested to go to which event, they would then register you to go. In my E1 team I haven’t run into any rider maximums (we only have a few E1 riders), and I pay for each event. I still tell the team’s manager which event I want to travel to, they register me, but then I pay them back.
The Day Of
The JBCF events have been very organized. The week before they will release a list of registered riders along with a technical guide. The technical guide will include information about the course, where to park, where to check in, how to pin your numbers and more. It’s only in Japanese. Google Translate will be your best friend. Or if you’re lucky you may have a teammate that can speak some English and help you out.
Usually the check in process begins a couple of hours before the start time. You’ll go to license control and pick up your numbers and timing chip. If you’re doing a hill climb and need to, this is also the period of time you drop off your luggage to be taken to the summit. Get kitted & pinned up, then go to the “vehicle control”. They will check your bike against a jig, kind of like what the UCI might use, as well as check the weight (take your bottles off the bike when you hand it to them) and make sure your numbers are pinned correctly. A keen eyed inspector may even look at your helmet to make sure it has the JCF certification sticker. You could possibly be told to change helmets if yours doesn’t have the sticker. When they tell you that everything is OK, you’ll go to the table and sign the box with your name.
There are also meetings that will be happening. But, you shouldn’t have to worry about that. If the team manager can’t be present they will send an “attendant”. This person is responsible for going to the meetings and reporting back to the riders.
Podiums & Prizes
Look how far you’ve come. After all that you’re headed to the podium, which in many events will be six deep. What should you expect? Maybe a cool trophy or a medal? It’s even better. How about a formal certificate signed and stamped by the JBCF President! That’s right, you’ll be receiving an A4 sheet of paper. And yes, when they hand it to you they’ll turn it to face you, use both hands to hand it over and bow. And yes, you should receive it with both hands and bow in return. I plan to frame and hang mine like some kind of college diploma. You’ll probably receive a prize as well. Something like what I mentioned earlier in this post, a towel, cup, umbrella, etc.
Where’s the money? If you want to hold a giant cheque with a big number (because it’s in yen) you’ll need to be racing in the top category, JPT. In this category the podium is only three deep. One time in a race I had a teammate finish 3rd and win some money. I never saw any of it, which was fair as I didn’t really contribute to his result. And I never podiumed myself. So I’m not sure how the payout actually works. Did he get to keep it all? Did the team take it? Who knows. I hope he kept it all, he’s a great guy.
Other Notes
Gachinko Cycle TV & Photo Galleries. Almost all JBCF events are live streamed & archived on YouTube! There’s a company called Gachinko Cycle TV that provides coverage. This includes camera motos as well as stationary cameras. A lot of photographers also come to the events and a photo gallery is posted on the JBCF website after the events take place.
Events & Categories. Not every event will be run for every category. A motivator for me to move from JPT to E1 was that not every hill climb has a JPT category, but they all seem to have E1. My first time racing at Ontake I was in the “Open” category and not eligible for any points or placement.
Outlier events. There are some events like the Niseko Classic (Gran Fondo World Championship Qualifier) and the Tour of Okinawa. These are one off events which are not part of the JBCF or any other federation I mentioned above. But, they are “real” road races on closed roads. There are also plenty of “cookie” rides. But be aware, like mentioned earlier, many of these explicitly say you shouldn’t come and try to ride for a certain time. I think it’s related to what I’ve been told about races having to take place on closed roads. These cookie rides likely have no traffic control. And instead of a cookie, you might get a bag of dry rice to cook later. Happened to me once.
The Hill Climb might be Japan’s most accessible event. There are actually quite a few of them around the country outside of the JBCF and they can be registered for on SportsEntry - I don’t think you need a JCF license.
What about other disciplines? I’ll toss this in here at the end because I think it’s worth mentioning. If you’re not racing Track, Cyclocross or Road… you’re not going to be doing much racing. Mountain biking is still very much in its infancy here in Japan. Despite its incredible landscape, there’s a shocking lack of good mountain biking. My wife and I moved here from Western North Carolina and she’s a former Age Group XC National Champion as well as podium finisher in events like the Pisgah Stage Race and Collegiate Nationals in STXC, XC & Omnium. So believe me, we have tried to find some good mountain biking here and it’s rough.
There are some lift-access downhill courses and we actually went to one for a “gravel” race which my wife won. This was held on what was essentially a non-technical STXC course. Disappointing is a bit of an understatement. There IS Grinduro Japan… but it’s insanely expensive and again, not really a race.
This honestly has had a big impact on our decision to ultimately move away from Japan. But, keep an eye out for developments in places like: https://www.minamialpsmtb.com/ https://namba.ngo/ https://www.nsd-hakuba.jp/iwatake_mtb_park/en/
Cyclocross has a big following in Japan and the calendar appears to be full of events throughout the season. If we were staying long term, I’d be buying a cross bike. Unfortunately I don’t have one, so I never got into that scene while living here.
Although this is mostly about racing in Japan, if you come here to race you’ll also (hopefully) be riding your bike for fun. Please be aware some laws work differently here. Although I’ve never personally run into trouble I’ve been told things like: bikes MUST use the crosswalk if turning across traffic (no turning like a car turns) & that bikes CANNOT exceed 30 km/h (a bike shop owner told me this). My wife and I have often talked about this as well… while in the USA drivers can be malicious towards cyclists, Japanese drivers are often blissfully ignorant towards them. Always ride defensively. Drivers will make eye contact with you and proceed to pull out in front of you expecting you to either not be traveling with speed or to stop for them. Even in “polite” Japan, the Car is King. I’ve had far more close calls with drivers here than I had in America. Having said that, it’s still a wonderful country to explore by bike.
Who Am I?
If you read all of this, thanks! I hope that you learned a little bit about road racing in Japan. But, who am I? I’m an American from Western North Carolina, now living in Japan. Ishikawa Prefecture to be specific. I’ve been a cyclist since 2011 when I bought my first road bike. In America I’m a Cat 2 on the road and an XC MTB Cat 1 with extensive experience training for and racing in a variety of disciplines. Road riding and racing is my true love and I honestly only got into MTB to hang out with my girlfriend. I guess it was worth it because the only National Championship medals I have are from Team Relay & Team Omnium. Oh, we ended up getting married too. So that was cool. I also got into the gravel craze thanks to the plethora of racing options in the South East. I’ve stood on multiple podiums with the internet’s favorite privateer, Dylan Johnson. And I’ve dabbled in bikepacking, bike touring & ultra endurance riding. Really, I’m just a guy that thinks about bikes too much.

I'll try to just include the important stuff, but I feel like at this point our issues are so compounded that I want to give a full scope of things.
Me (23M) and my bf (22M) have been together for almost a year and a half. It's been... a lot from the jump. I had just gotten out of two back to back abusive relationships, and this is his first relationship. We were best friends for a bit and I had always thought he was straight, but had a lowkey crush on him. He only told me his feelings after he accidentally came over earlier than he was supposed to and overheard me hooking up with a friend (who I'll call Sam). I want to preface by saying me and Sam agreed before and after that the hookup meant nothing, for him it was a rebound while he was home for college and getting over his Big Ex and for me it was an unhealthy way to deal with being raped by my ex a couple weeks prior. The hookup happened once. Me and Sam never so much as flirted with each other in all the years of knowing each other. My Bf knew about the assault (he grew up with my ex/abuser), and obviously knew about the hookup. He still wanted to get together so I said sure.
Off the bat he wanted me to block Sam. I've known Sam since 6th grade, much longer than I've known my bf, and I was sort of put off by the request but after getting out of two back to back abusive relationships and being assaulted, I didn't feel comfortable to really put my foot down and didn't want to cause issues. So I did. For the next year Sam was blocked, and me and bf had other issues. He was unemployed almost the entire time with no motivation to do applications, there was a point where I was either doing applications for him (where he would be reading over my shoulder the whole time making it take 3x as long) or bribing him by saying I'd only cover his beer if he put in at least one or two applications that day. He has diagnosed - but very obvious - OCD and he was putting me in the position of needing to offer him constant reassurance (if I didn't get up to check if the door was locked, he would pout and keep me up, I needed to stop everything and watch him feed the cats, do chores, lock the door, etc or else he wouldn't do it). He refused to get therapy despite me offering to do all the work of finding a therapist and setting up the appointment, or even explicitly telling him that I don't feel comfortable being in a relationship with someone who won't go to therapy. He also tends to be weirdly controlling? Like he won't be explicitly controlling, but he'll get really depressed or even angry if I so much as mention plans with other friends that don't include him - but when he is included he just complains about being left out and always wants to leave early. If I want to work on homework or do a hobby, he gets depressed that I don't want to spend time with him. If I ask him to go back to his house (he never officially moved in. I don't want him to move in. He just WON'T LEAVE) then he says I don't care about him or even that I'm abusive. He doesn't like the job I do, he doesn't want me to pursue the career I want, and he doesn't want me to travel as it's a waste of money but traveling alone isn't an option since that means I don't care for him.
There's also other things, like his insecurity or rumination on negativity ruling his life and affecting me. He wants me to spend ALL of my time with him. I'm a full time student and I work full time and support myself, while he pays no bills and does not go to school or have and desire to. I feel like he puts me in a position of being his sole support person, and guilt trips me if I don't want to spend literal hours a day reassuring or cuddling him. He will stay at my house and not leave, or throw a fit if I ask him to leave, or just wear me down so much that I feel like I have to say he can stay. I live in 140sq ft shed conversion that I worked really hard for after being homeless. It's a tiny space that I can't get any alone time in.
Lately one big issue has been coming up. He thinks I cheated. Basically, in January, I reached out to Sam to apologize for ghosting and the terms we left off on. My bf knew I was sending that message and he was okay with it. I didn't expect a reply from Sam. However a couple weeks later, he did reply. I did not tell my bf this. At this point I was really frustrated with my bf and considering breaking up due to his lack of motivation and controlling tendencies. I was working up the courage, and I confided this in Sam as he had no connection to the situation and I wanted to know if I was truly being as abusive and awful as my bf has been saying. Me and Sam kept in contact until March. The conversations were pretty surface level. We addressed the hookup and both agreed it meant nothing and there's nothing there. He talked to me about his crush and asked for advice, I asked for advice on my situation and he stayed pretty neutral. At that point I just appreciated having a normal friend. Someone I didn't have to hold their hand through their mental health issues, or bribe to get a job, or constantly reassure. There was no flirting, no sexting, no fucking. Nothing. But I knew it felt wrong to hide the friendship, and I know that was on me for fucking up. I was scared to tell my bf for fear of his reaction - both due to the way he tends to overreact about other things, and how my abusive exes isolated me from friends in the past.
So I told my bf, and I prepared to break up with him if his reaction was as bad as I anticipated. It was pretty bad, yelling and name calling etc. But he wanted to stay together. He cried and read a list of all the things he loves about me and promised to get a job and therapy and that he would give me alone time and everything. So I said I'd give it another shot.
He got into therapy after another 2-3 months of me begging him. He went to one session and never again. He got a job a month ago because I got him a job where I work (did the paperwork for him even). But he can't let it go about Sam. I ended up blocking him again a couple weeks after I told my bf because I couldn't handle him being super cold and moody every time I so much as checked the time on my phone. He was constantly asking where I was, why I didn't text him, I don't care about him as much as he cares about me, etc. He didn't get me the 2 months of space (not sleeping over for more than once or twice a week, not hanging out on nights I have homework). Last week he wanted me to recover the messages between me and Sam, so I did and he read them. There was nothing to see. I sent screenshots to my friends, hell even my mom, and everyone agrees that there's nothing there. But he's convinced that Sam was flirting with me heavy and I just let it happen, that I was planning on breaking up with him to be with Sam, all this shit. It's been a shitshow since. He keeps blowing up every couple of days saying I'm abusive and manipulative, that I don't deserve space because 'look what you did last time I gave you space'. He wanted to do couples therapy which I agreed to, and has been hounding me about it. When I asked when he's getting into individual therapy he says he will do it on his own time and that he refuses to be manipulated and coerced into it. When I say I'm too stressed to have another 4hr convo where we rehash everything and he berates me then I'm being cold and uncaring for forcing him to bottle it up and be alone. When I ask him repeatedly to go home he will ignore me and stay, or say its abuse that I'm kicking him to the curb, that I'm abandoning him in his darkest hour. He sniffs me when I come home from work and asks me why I smell like that (even though it's just the same deodorant and shampoo I've used for years). He made me give him my location and asks where I am.
Two days ago he wanted to text Sam from my phone to say "Should I tell him?" and try to like, catch me or something. He thinks I either fucked him or sexted him and deleted the texts. I told him at this point if I did cheat I would have just said that to get this over with. But I said fine, send the text BUT I don't want to touch the topic again until we get into therapy together and I want you to go home and that's that. He accused me of conspiring with Sam to get him to lie, told me 'fuck you, I'm done, we're breaking up'. I said 'okay let me go get your clothes out of the wash'. Then I come back and he yells about how fucked up I am, how much of a hoe and a cheater I am, that I'm a narcissist and a liar. Then he starts crying about me abandoning him and how unfair I am. He alludes to being suicidal and talks about how he wants to work on things. He begs me to hug him and says everything is better when we hug. I ended up letting him stay because I frankly I was scared about him being suicidal, and I was scared about what he said about me being abusive. I really don't want to be.
But the thing is I really want him out. I don't want him to live here. He says because he got a job, and he's working on his OCD himself, he cleans and helps buy groceries, he makes things nice for when I get off work, that he's doing enough. He said 'at least I don't assault you like your exes'. Yesterday he bought me a $200 bass I really wanted, and he was really nice all day. He was pretty nice today to and had a lot of self restraint when asking me if I'm at a place to talk about something and ended up dropping it since I seemed stressed. But my summer classes are starting in 3 days. I got low grades last semester because I had to choose between him and homework and he won since I would rather have peace than constant stress. I don't think I can focus on school around him. I wasted my short summer break on this stupid drama that shouldn't even be drama. He made me leave my moms really important graduation because he wanted to go home even though we were supposed to stay and hang out. I dread coming home from work. I dread him coming home from work. I'm happier when he's not around. When things are good, they're good! But at this point it feels fake because it's only calm for so many days until he breaks down about how he cant keep shoving his feelings down just for me. I feel suffocated. I feel like I have to support this person that doesn't even support me. I'm scared to break it off or tell him to go because he calls me awful things and says I'm abusive. I feel crazy. I really don't think I'm abusive. But maybe I am?? So Reddit: Am I the asshole if I kick him out? If not, HOW do I do it??

I’m literally about to crash out because I’ve had to see my ex gf multiple times this week due to graduation. We’re seated next to each other and my closest friend is her coworker and they’re also seated closely and have been having friendly banter with eachotber. I’m just losing my marbles trying to restrain myself from texting her. Like I’m not sure if it’s me staring or if we keep on stealing glances at each other 😭. We had this senior prank where all the seniors pretended to sleep over in the common area of my school with sleeping bags and whatnot. As I stood up to go to rehearsal after it was over she was right in front of me…and we made eye contact for what felt like at least 5 seconds. She was talking to this girl at our school who also did the prank mind you, but I’ve noticed that her inner circle has shrunk. She used to be friends with this other hijabi at our school, but they don’t seem very close anymore. It seems as though she is grasping at straws for companionship or just doesn’t want it at all right now.
My former gov teacher, who I’m friends with and was closer friends with her, told me that she had been depressed and was no longer talking to him anymore either (for separate reasons). But it just makes me want to reach out…or at least feels like an excuse to, especially with us graduating so soon. First and foremost, I want an explanation for why she ghosted me after being the first one post-breakup to reach out after she told me she wished we never dated.
Realistically, I know reaching out would probably be bad for the both of us and I’m leaving to go to Atlanta pretty soon while she’s going to be in Baltimore for school. I just feel like we left off in such a hurtful and muddled state that I want at least one more conversation. I guess I want closure, but any semblance of closure has never satisfied me in the past. Additionally, I think I have looked at our relationship with rose colored glasses. Though it wasn’t bad, and was often enjoyable, I think a large part of our relationship was riddled with my intimacy/attachment problems/people-pleasing, her stubbornness, both of our occasionally rude tendencies, and this general sense of impending doom as graduation grew nearer.
But, our intellectual intimacy was amazing; and I miss her yet also wish I didn’t. I often think of the great things she will achieve without me and the laughs she will share with some other woman…I just need to remember that I will meet new people. There are more people in the world with my interests that have a more even temperament and a more understanding nature than she did (not to say she’s a bad person, just sometimes too abrasive for my taste). I also need time to continue to fix and mend my own issues.
As much as I want to talk to her again, it’s time to let go I suppose.

So here is the situation: did some research on term life policies and Google suggested I contact ethos life insurance for a quick and easy quote, so I filled out the info online. Got a call back the next day from an ethos agent who said unless I removed the freeze on my credit they couldn’t get me an accurate quote. So I left it for the time being. About three weeks later, I was cold-called by an independent agent who said he got my info from ethos, who gave me his state license number. He checks out in the State license database as legit. Fast forward over a number of conversations via text and email and we’ve picked a plan and need to sit down today to fill out the application which he wants to do over the phone with esignature. He said I needed to bring my bank account info to this meeting. The vibes felt off for me about this, so I asked him to email me beforehand a digital copy of the application which he did. I noticed on it that there was an option to pay by credit card. In the meeting today, we went through the application which mirrored the one he had emailed me. But when it came time for the payment info, he said my credit card could only be used for the initial premium payment and he definitely still needed my routing and account number for my bank. This allFelt off to me, so I told him I had to run. But now I’m kind of freaking out because the guy has my SSN and a credit card number, and I’m feeling pretty foolish. About 5 hours after the phone call he sent me the following text: “Wasn't sure if giving me your banking info was an issue, im always skeptical myself. If it's better for you, we can do a zoom call and allow u to take over my computer. That way you could put the banking info in yourself and submit the app without having to give me the info. Just a thought I figured I'd run by you. Have a good evening!!”
My instinct is to ghost the dude and hope for the best while monitoring my credit card like a hawk. Not good that he has SSN, but I have credit freezes in place.
So my question for the hive mind is how bad is this? Does this seem normal?

I’m literally about to crash out because I’ve had to see my ex gf multiple times this week due to graduation. We’re seated next to each other and my closest friend is her coworker and they’re also seated closely and have been having friendly banter with eachotber. I’m just losing my marbles trying to restrain myself from texting her. Like I’m not sure if it’s me staring or if we keep on stealing glances at each other 😭. We had this senior prank where all the seniors pretended to sleep over in the common area of my school with sleeping bags and whatnot. As I stood up to go to rehearsal after it was over she was right in front of me…and we made eye contact for what felt like at least 5 seconds. She was talking to this girl at our school who also did the prank mind you, but I’ve noticed that her inner circle has shrunk. She used to be friends with this other hijabi at our school, but they don’t seem very close anymore. It seems as though she is grasping at straws for companionship or just doesn’t want it at all right now.
My former gov teacher, who I’m friends with and was closer friends with her, told me that she had been depressed and was no longer talking to him anymore either (for separate reasons). But it just makes me want to reach out…or at least feels like an excuse to, especially with us graduating so soon. First and foremost, I want an explanation for why she ghosted me after being the first one post-breakup to reach out after she told me she wished we never dated.
Realistically, I know reaching out would probably be bad for the both of us and I’m leaving to go to Atlanta pretty soon while she’s going to be in Baltimore for school. I just feel like we left off in such a hurtful and muddled state that I want at least one more conversation. I guess I want closure, but any semblance of closure has never satisfied me in the past. Additionally, I think I have looked at our relationship with rose colored glasses. Though it wasn’t bad, and was often enjoyable, I think a large part of our relationship was riddled with my intimacy/attachment problems/people-pleasing, her stubbornness, both of our occasionally rude tendencies, and this general sense of impending doom as graduation grew nearer.
But, our intellectual intimacy was amazing; and I miss her yet also wish I didn’t. I often think of the great things she will achieve without me and the laughs she will share with some other woman…I just need to remember that I will meet new people. There are more people in the world with my interests that have a more even temperament and a more understanding nature than she did (not to say she’s a bad person, just sometimes too abrasive for my taste). I also need time to continue to fix and mend my own issues.
As much as I want to talk to her again, it’s time to let go I suppose.

My parents are generally caring folks who have admittedly gone above and beyond for their three kids, more so than the vast majority of parents I think. But they aren't flawless and refuse to acknowledge their imperfections, some of which I deem as abusive. So tell me, Reddit, based of this list, are my folks abusive or not?
Had a small chair smashed over my head by Dad for getting into an argument with my sister.
Woken up in the middle of the night by Mum and had the living shit beaten in me in bed after she went through my phone and saw me exchanging mild terrorist jokes with my friend on WhatsApp.
Belted several times by Mum, such as for talking to two strangers about my personal life due to "Stranger Danger" when I was about 10.
Belted several times by Dad, such as for getting into arguments with my siblings.
Smacked in the head by Mum multiple times, such as for accidentally miswriting something on a homework report or being unable to tell the time in my preteens.
Pinched multiple times by either of my parents for various misdeeds, such as not wanting to take my shirt off during a family outdoor activity in the spring or innocently behaving inappropriately as a kid.
For various other misdeeds, I've been kicked, violently shaken like a rag doll, beaten with a wooden spoon, had something thrown at me, forced to kneel on the floor and raise my arms up in the air until told otherwise, made to stay outside the house in the wind wearing a shirt and shorts and I don't remember who said exactly, but I think I recall one of my folks threatening that they might not be able to control themselves if they're sufficiently pissed off.
If I showed a hint of resistance towards Mum's physical discipline by reflexively protecting myself, she'd guilt-trip me by saying, "So now's come the time when the son does the abusing, eh?" even though I would never and was nowhere to retaliating on Mum, only shielding myself. Even at age 21, when I confronted her about unwarranted physical discipline, she defended herself by claiming that I only focused on the negatives and never the positives of their parenting and she doesn't regret anything she ever did to me and that even if I was aged 24, she would still dole out the physical punishment if she wanted to. When I said I won't let her touch me, she once again asked me if this meant I was going to start beating her back. I said I'd never lay a hand on her nor had I even thought of doing so, it's just that I wouldn't let her touch me, that's it. She asked what if she were to throw a shoe at me, would I throw the shoe back at her and I said no, I'd just keep a distance from her and she lost all control and started berating me for being an ungrateful son, etc
Mum was continually interrupting my conversation with Dad over the phone, causing me to tell her that I'm trying to talk on the phone, but which she misinterpreted as me telling her to shup up or something, resulting in her immediately getting physical with me.
Mum was continuously making fun of something I wrote in a book, causing me to smack the book out of her hand in anger, which she beated me for and locked me up in my room.
Had Dad being angry and yelling at me to stop crying during shower time as he doused me with cold water (which I absolutely hated) when I was about 5-6 after we actually enjoyed a sweaty game of football with some local kids, which soured the experience for me and made me reluctant to play football outside again since the only way I could play was if I had either of my folks with me.
One summer vacation, we were at the beach in the sea, and Dad was trying to take me to the deeper levels despite me being very uncomfortable as I couldn't swim properly yet, resulting in me almost drowning when he left me to it.
In my later teens, Dad would frequently get me to help him out in incredibly strenuous activities which would often completely physically drain me, both at the house refurbishment and our up-and-coming shop, to the point where the neighbouring shopkeepers who saw how tirelessly I worked for him expressed concern by telling him to go a bit easy on me and at least pay me for my efforts, which he addressed by asking me "Don't they know you're my son?" I never once complained or declined his requests to help out since I knew we were tight on money and Dad was making use of all the free help he could get. My only issues were some instances of potential abuse, such as when he got angry and started yelling at me to perform a task that I genuinely didn't understand how to do. I remember pleading with him to help me understand, but he just continued to get frustrated and scaring the shit out of me. Or this other time where after a hard day's work at building our shop, I didn't immediately acknowledge something Dad said to me, leading him to berate me for my supposed social blunder. When he just wouldn't let up, I then proceeded to remind him of a social blunder he once committed, causing him to punch me in the face and berate me more until we got home. When we arrived home, I was offered dinner which I declined solely because I was uncomfortable being around him and so wanted to immediately go to bed, but he forced me to sit right next to me while he shot a death glare at me, which I interpreted as him asserting his dominance over me.
Dad could be very short-tempered and erratic on occasion, to the point where I would feel like I was walking on eggshells around him at times, such as when I woke up one morning and greeted him with a casual "Hellooo" that had a bit of a drawl to it and he suddenly froze up and looked at me with a death glare and I quickly apologised, scolding me for laying my sizeable head back on the sofa while he spoke to me, scolding us if me or my siblings said "Excuse me" if he was in our way in the house since apparently that was too formal and not something you'd say to a family member (especially a father), or if we forgot to say "Good Morning" to him after waking up. I've actually had to appeal to Mum to ask him to control his temper on a couple of occasions and as a result I feel like I can never truly relax around him.
On multiple occasions, I've been forced to eat something even if I didn't want to.
I had a bedwetting problem for most of my life. One time when I was about 5, Dad woke me up in the middle of the night to discover that I'd once again wet the bed. He angrily told me to get up, told me to face the wall and remain in that position in my piss-stained clothes as punishment while he changed my bed and made me go back to bed again.
I have noticeable bumps on my foreheads which I remember where obtained from hitting my head on the ground as a toddler but which Mum claims are just natural or something, which I interpret as gaslighting.
Mum accused Dad of cheating on her, but he proved he wasn't. Years later when I enquired as to what their fight was about she told me the truth (that it was a misunderstanding over his fidelity) which I suspected. When I brought it up again later, however, she totally lied about it for some reason, which I again see as gaslighting.
When Mum caught me watching porn for the first time ever, she berated me by asking whether this also means I would like to see her or my sister naked.
When I was a kid, Dad tried to manipulate me one time when I told him I wanted to make cartoons in the future and he said that job was for a software engineer.
A lot of their advice was to turn myself over to God. Thing is, I no longer believe in God so that advice was falling on deaf ears and I am scared of coming out to them as an atheist.
After deceiving my parents for two years about my online learning, while it was justified to an extent, Dad really let me have it, telling me in no uncertain terms every opportunity he had how extremely let down he was, how he'd never seen anything like this happen anywhere in his entire life (he was 55 at this point) and how my deception and failure were among the two biggest tragedies/disappointments in his life, the other being the civil war raging in our homeland Ethiopia. Mind you this civil war resulted in the genocide of thousands upon thousands of our ethnic tribe the Tigrayans. He would also say that he's so angry but he can't beat me to let it out because I'm an adult now (I was 20 at the time), so he's forced to stew helplessly in his own anger.
They were pretty strict, restrictive and judgmental folks and could be overbearing. Mum would never let me visit another person's house without them having visited ours first, as she explicitly explained so herself and even that was a moot point because she didn't want any peer of mine coming over anyway, so none of my peers came over to my house (until I was 18 and that was because I showed up home with him unexpected and practically begged her to let him come in) and I'd never been to anyone else's house (apart from Sasha's and that was without her knowledge or consent). She forbade all social media apart from WhatsApp and even that I always used in secret when texting people since I knew she'd find some way to be judgemental about it. She wouldn't let me go play football with my friends if she didn't drive me over there herself so she would know the location and even that was reluctantly expressed. Throughout our teens, she forbade TV on the weekdays save for Friday, which she would brag about to her friends, and very rarely let me hang out with others after school for a social outing, discounting the after school badminton club on Thursdays in my mid teens which took place at school Though I guess this could once again be chalked up to being money-conscious, but also being overly distrustful of everyone in the UK. Dad could also get like this, such as making us do school work on Friday after school or insisting on cutting my fingernails even as he was making me bleed .
They both generally either discouraged or outright forbade any interest in fantasy, which included things like Mum eventually forbidding me from reading Harry Potter, berating and almost getting physical with me for watching a Bond film with my siblings when I was about 14 and just when I thought she couldn't possibly find an angle to criticise on me watching My Little Pony she reproached me for a kiss scene that took place. This trait of theirs got completely overblown after my little brother's nervous breakdown, causing Dad to completely ban our former interests in comic books and Naruto, reprimand me for watching 13 Going on 30 and disapprove of us playing FIFA, to the point where I genuinely felt like I couldn't enjoy anything when around them. They would also criticise us a lot for relatively minor things and their lectures could be excruciatingly long, spanning hours. They also had next to no concept of privacy, entering our rooms without ever knocking (unless they knew we were changing) and confiscating our phones a couple times for no real reason whatsoever.
All this has led to me being incredibly sneaky about what I do. I never let them see me with my phone, only ever using it out of their eyesight and I routinely deleted shit stored up on it in case they randomly needed my phone, which they would. I also became adept at lying as well as identifying footsteps. I think due to the sort of parenting they employed, I was very anxious and scared during these particular events:
My primary school teacher once lent me her Harry Potter DVD box set and I didn’t even get past the first film from great fear that Mum would catch me watching it and get angry
During one summer vacation back to our homeland the plan was that Dad would remain in the UK for a bit while the rest of us would go to our country before he joined us. I knew that Harry Potter would be running on some of the TV channels in the UK and throughout the portion of the summer holiday where Dad was still in the UK, which was several weeks, I was deathly afraid of him watching the films and finding out that this was what I liked.
If I remember correctly, I also recall being taught how to masturbate by my babysitter when I was about 3-4 (which I've been doing ever since and I'm now 21), which I've never told anyone and would count as sexual abuse, right?
My little brother has also experienced the below:
Got the living shit beaten out of him by Mum after he was tricked by his friends into writing "fuck" on a whiteboard. He didn't even know what it meant, but I could hear his pitiful wails and screams coming from the bedroom where Mum was beating him.
He accidentally tripped and broke a stair pillar while we were organising the shoe room once, causing Mum to lose it and get physical with him. When I brought this up with Dad years later, Mum either lied about the events or didn't recall it well, the former which I interpret as another round of gaslighting.
He's also been pinched and smacked on the head several times.
So... what do you think, Reddit?
EDIT: I've noticed a few posts calling my parents monsters and to get as far away from them as possible. Thing is though, Reddit, even with all the aforementioned in mind, I can't bring myself to fully hate them because of all the good they have also done, which I think I should write out so I can see whether people change their tunes about labelling them as monsters:
I'm currently 21 and living in the UK but I was born in the African country of Ethiopia and Dad anticipated that our country would one day blow to hell (which it did) so he worked his ass off to move his wife and 3 kids to Italy when I was 7, before finally moving us to the UK when I was 8 while he worked abroad. He worked himself to the bone for torturous hours in several different countries, some war-torn and with civil wars raging all around him, potential death, without seeing his children for months on end for 7 years, all so that they could have a better life than he ever had, where he and his dad suffered the aftermath of a devastating civil war that destroyed their livelihood and lost everything when he was our age. And during those 7 years, Mum singlehandedly raised us as a lonely housewife with virtually no employment while her husband worked abroad trying to make ends meet. She dutifully made us breakfast, lunch and dinner practically every single day for those 7 years and I can admit we barely had to household chores in our preteens and early teens as she was basically doing everything so you could say we were spoiled to an extent. She never had a problem expressing her love for us and would do her best to emotionally support us if we needed her. Same with Dad, he usually had no problem telling us he loved us and officially quit his job when I was 16 so he could start a business, which he won't get to operate that long anyway since he's in his mid 50s and planned to leave everything in our hands for us to profit from. So, Reddit, can you really call them monsters?

https://www.reddit.com/dating_advice/s/CfNIJtTvip
^{^} post i made a while ago talking about having a crush on a guy who i'll call alex while being in a relationship with someone who i'll call dan. it's getting stronger and i feel insanely guilty. i adore my my boyfriend when i'm with him but there are so many things he does that irk me that alex doesn't do. for example, i can have hours worth of conversation over text with alex, whereas dan is the driest texter EVER and it drives me nuts. also, i feel like i can't talk about any of my issues to dan because he just gives short answers. like i told him about my dissociative disorder once (massive deal as it's changed my entire life), and his response was "fair enough". he doesn't mean harm but as someone with bpd, his lack of empathy makes me want to cry. alex is generally a better to me than dan in a lot of ways but at the same time dan can be amazing and i love being around him and i'm very attracted to him. i have no idea what to do, i don't know if i just admire alex or if i'm literally in love with him but i feel such an immense sense of guilt. is it better to stay with dan and just try get over my crush on alex or is it cruel to be with someone with such uncertainty? am i a terrible person or is feeling like this normal?!!

My ex (19F) and I (20M) broke up last week at uni in Britain. We had been together 9 months and spent the last of it fighting. I felt as though there were different expectations about our relationship. She was going to be away for an 8 month period next year and did not want to do distance throughout that. In the past, we had done a period of 4 months of distance. I felt heartbroken that she didn't want to do distance again, it felt like we had very different levels of interest/investment. For a period in the middle of our relationship, she stopped expressing that she loved me because it "felt like too big of a commitment" until I came to her crying about it.
We broke up in the early afternoon on a Saturday, the conversation was challenging. Both of us cried and said that we loved each other. But also, things weren't working and we didn't really see them working. I initiated the breakup, but it was mutual. We said we could stay in touch and maybe it would work in the future. We said our goodbyes and another "I love you." That night, she discovered her grandfather was dying. She traveled across Britain to spend the week with him. He'd been sick for months and they knew it was happening soon. I felt awful.
Struggling to cope with our ended relationship, losing my first love and my first real relationship, and feeling heartbroken about what I perceived as a lack of equal investment, I turned to alcohol. I consumed upwards of 15 to 20 drinks a night. On the the Tuesday night, while she was still at home w/ family and her grandfather. I was nearly blacked out in a bar. That night, I drank from 4pm to 2am. A girl that I knew from an overlapping friend circle, though by no means a close friend of mine, expressed interest at 2am and we spent the night together, having sex. The next morning I awoke, feeling truly horrific. I spent the day vomiting with guilt. How could I have done this while being so in love with my ex? How could I have done this while she was home under such conditions, so recently after we split? It was a horrible way of handling my emotions and one I regretted instantly.
Two days later, she returned to uni. I told her what I had done that night. Our university is small, and she would have heard from others. I wanted her to hear it from me, I took full ownership, expressed my regret, and just let her express her anger and sadness. Over the next few days, we have sent each other drunk texts and finally after a long conversation agreed to go no contact for a period. I'm still in love with her, and she is with me, but our relationship wasn't working and I have broken her heart. Her friends refuse to acknowledge me, and many people on our campus despise me. I don't know if, or how, I can make things right. I don't think I should attempt to get back together and I don't want to reach out for at least a month or more. But I really don't know what to do. I hate myself so much. I feel like an evil, twisted person. I've called crisis hotlines. I've contemplated overdoses. I know she knows I love her, I know she knows how much I regret this meaningless, one-time fling. I know that people make mistakes, but I don't know how I can carry on with myself.
What do I do? What can I do? Am I a horrible person? Will people eventually stop hating me? I cannot sleep or eat or do anything besides wishing I was gone or would wake up from a terrible dream.

I (21F) had a close friendship with another person (21F) that ended badly and I can’t tell if I’m in the wrong. We met during freshmen year of college, and immediately got really close. We meshed our friend groups into one, and we would all hang out at her place constantly. I even helped her figure out her sexuality (asexual and biromantic) as I would talk about my own sexuality (the same) and she realized she related a lot to what I was saying, esp the ace part in regards to her boyfriend of 5 years.
The issue comes in with her crush on me. I have this, not necessarily problem, but effect, I guess, in which most people I meet have a crush on me when they first meet me. I’m just a really good listener and people tend to pour their hearts out to me pretty fast as a result. When I’m kind in response they feel all warm inside and equate the feeling to me rather than the nice feeling of being treated kindly. Its a totally normal human response, and I don’t judge anyone this happens to. If I like them back then it’s fine, and if I don’t most people get over it within a month or two, and it doesn’t cause much issue.
It was pretty clear to me that this friend was dealing with the same thing. I just kept acting like I normally do because she was my friend, figuring it would go away soon. It did not. If anything it got much more intense as our friendship went on, to the point where other people noticed. I loved her as a friend, but that was all. I’ve been in unrequited love before and I know it hurts - I didn’t want to her to hurt. But it wasn’t my place to say anything.
Then one day we had been hanging out with some of our friends and her roommate asked me if the two of us were into each other. I told her I’d text her since the friend was in the room, and when I got home later that night I did. I was super tired from class earlier, and had spent a lot of my social energy on the hangout so when I responded telling her that I didn’t have a crush but the friend did, I admit it was a tad curt and I didn’t take the message as seriously as I could have. Needless to say, the roommate showed the texts to my friend and they convinced themselves I was purposefully leading my friend on and had been since we met, and that I was actually in love with the friend but was denying myself. I learned all this from another friend who was in the room at the time who felt I should know.
I wanted to confront her about it because I didn’t want her to think I meant her any harm, and to know I still wanted to be her friend even if I didn’t feel anything romantic towards her . But since the info I got about that conversation was from a mutual friend I couldn’t throw him under the bus by letting her know he told me, so I just waited for my friend to bring it up because it was clearly something that bothered her. Only she never did. As finals came around we stopped talking to each other to focus, and we just sort of stopped talking all together after that. I haven’t spoken to her in a year but I feel so guilty about the whole thing, and can’t help but wonder if I was in the wrong.
AITA?

Somebody requested that I write down some resources for Dzogchen in the sidebar, so I thought I would do a post as well to give a sort of background and offer anyone else the chance to get in on the conversation or building of resources too...
But first,

A Word on Secrecy, Safety Maturity, and Cults

I'm writing this post out by request of someone who messaged me, with the intention of reaching a wider audience, or all beings, who could benefit from learning about these teachings. I have to caution, though, that they may not be for everybody, and in that regard, I would advise gentleness, with yourself and others, with regards to this path. Please take care of yourself, and keep a measure of your own mind with regard to your mental health and these practices. I wish that those who read this post are only those who it may help, and I apologize preemptively to all those it may hurt, or if I've made any mistakes in my writing.
With that in mind, I can maybe share a little bit about the secrecy aspect of what is called Vajrayana. Someone who learns about these practices but does not genuinely practice them can generate obstacles to their own awakening; specifically with Dzogchen, there is a real danger of intellectualizing the practice such that one covers over their own mind with a sheen of thoughts and fabrication, blocking one from advancing towards awakening. In that regard, this particular practice is called self secret. From what I know, many Lamas won't introduce one to the practice if they aren't sure the student has the capability to grasp it, and also - the student won't be able to practice it or understand it if they're not able to. But, to give some background, from what I understand the strongest indicator of capability to practice Dzogchen, is an interest in doing so.
On the subject of cults - I have to note that Dzogchen practice can be very personal, but that is not a license for any teacher to abuse you, in any form, ever. Things that happened in the past - students getting slapped, hit with shoes, etc. - happened in the past - but that doesn't make them appropriate teachings devices today. A genuinely compassionate teacher won't take advantage of your practice to abuse you, steal your money, degrade you, control you, or anything like that. If they try to - it is more likely that you've stumbled on a cult, and should get away as fast as you can.
As for what makes a good teacher - others have asked this question before, and u/krodha in particular has written out a good description many times, although I can't find the quote he usually uses unfortunately.
As far as general safety in the practice goes, Lama Lena has written this (and I'm shamelessly stealing it from her website):
"The responsibility to take care of your own mind rests with you; not the lama, not your mom, not your cat. So, take it upon yourself to be safe and use common sense."
Please, read that whole page and heed the warnings.

My Practice

I've been working with Dzogchen for about 3.5 years now, since approximately the end of 2020. I'd been interested in Mahayana practices for the better part of a decade before that, but mostly just practicing Samatha by the way of Anapanasati and Metta, and also through the framework provided by *The Mind Illuminated*. I had been curious about Dzogchen for a bit, mostly from reading about it on Wikipedia and just, in general, being interested in seeing what the fuss is surrounding vajrayana, tantra, and the "highest system" called Atiyoga.
By chance, I happened to see a comment on Dzogchen from someone who basically said "If anyone is looking for pointing out, feel free to message me." So I sent them a message giving my general background and motivation for the practice, and they invited me to join them on meditationonline.org - which had been a place they'd been doing meditation for a few years (and still do, I suppose I'd consider myself part of that sangha). I happened to meet the individual who I'd been messaging, a Nyingma lama called Dawai Gocha, and received pointing out, along with teachings for the next few years... up until the present day.
My main practice now is Dzogchen - I gradually transitioned into this from Anapanasati over the course of about six months - and most of my sessions are now just me resting in awareness - Rigpa. I generally do augment this however with other practices, like Satipatthana, mantra recitation, and other practices from the three main vehicles, simply because I like to do them and find them helpful on the path.

What is Dzogchen?

I can't say anything that has not already been said by others, in particular, meditation masters with vastly more experience than I have - but to put it simply, Dzogchen practice can encompass a large number of different types of ancillary practices, and one central practice, which the ancillaries are meant to accomplish. The main practice is resting in the Rigpa.

How to Learn

"Get pointing out instructions from a qualified teacher before embarking on Dzogchen and Mahamudra. A teacher can address pressing questions as they arise and give you a map and tools for the journey. As practitioners, we can rely on those who have hiked the trail before us." - Lama Lena
Since the awareness nature is always present in every being, it is both simple to learn and simple to maintain the practice - being that one just simply is introduced to the awareness nature, and then abides in it at all times.
As far as being introduced to that awareness, in my experience there are many avenues, such as getting pointed out in person( verbally or non verbally), in visions, through texts, in dreams, etc. In one of her videos, Lama Lena goes through, I think, five different days that transmission/pointing out can happen.
But in my experience, getting pointing out, repeatedly and periodically, from a teacher is the most effective (and probably the most important) way to learn, like having someone coach you through riding a bicycle, until you finally internalize the fundamentals and are able ride on your own. Even someone that can check your progress, humble you, and keep you from common pitfalls, can be extremely helpful. Dzogchen, to me and from what I have read from e.g. Tulku Urgyen, is very simple, so simple that many people are able to miss it extremely easily. Whether we miss it because we're so worked up, or because we are subtly fabricating something and fixating on the fabrication - there is a miss, and from what I know, it's better to realize that than carry on doing whatever else. The harsh reality of Dzogchen practice is that fixation, because we're so habituated to it as human beings, is extremely easy, and being led astray by fixation means your meditation becomes a conditioned Samatha practice. On a lighter note though - from my perspective, one we learn to continually distinguish between Consciousness from Wisdom, we are on very solid ground, and it becomes easier and easier to recognize when we've become fixated.
On the subject of teachers - I would consider myself to have had many teachers. My main teacher, I mentioned before, is a lama I talk to live over the internet, but I would also say I've received teachings from recordings, from books, and in dreams. For clarity, I will state again: having a teacher that you can use to verify your practice is very important so as not to fall into common pitfalls. Whether you are confirming your experience through texts, reasoning, pointing out videos, whatever - doing it repeatedly will help because otherwise, as a beginner, one can be lost for minutes, hours, days, weeks, months, etc. without finding awareness again. I've seen people on Dzogchen who, unfortunately, even though they got pointing out from great teachers, were not able to full internalize the practice because they got lost in thoughts and then never were able to find recognize awareness again, and so need the pointing out once more. Others get the pointing out repeatedly - practice a lot, and attain good results over time. In that way, from my perspective, having continual access to the teachings is very important.
Fortunately, we live in a good time for this.
I'll get to recommend specifics later but - this is my perspective - although some people say that you can't get transmission over recordings or the internet, or from books - I actually do doubt that that is that case, just from experience. But, I must caution that all of my experience in this realm comes from after the point in time that I received live pointing out, so I would not take what I say as gospel. Once again, anything I say would defer to a knowledge and reputable teacher.
This all being said - regardless of how one feels at a specific time or place, there's no reason to ever refrain from confirming one's experience or view against the words of masters. There are others that have said this, who have more experience, but until we are Buddhas ourselves and phenomena have exhausted, there is no reason to ever stop practicing. Ever. If you are practicing, there is no need to make effort, and all phenomena will come and go without trouble until they are fully exhausted. Namkhai Norbu says almost exactly this in The Cycle of Day and Night.

Finding A Teacher - Resources

"Do not expect to travel this path guided only by books and the internet! Use the internet to find a teacher, then connect with them." - Lama Lena
It's taken a while to get here, my apologies for that.
For finding a teacher, I think any lama that has accomplished a three year retreat will be proficient in either Mahamudra or Dzogchen (both Atiyoga - subtle differenes but the same essential practice), and will likely be able to give pointing out instructions.
Not all may do so at first. Some may want a more personal relationship, some may require Ngondro, and some may say "sorry I don't really give those teachings". Some may require a baseline knowledge of the practice first - for example the Tergar program does.
That being said, there are many places to receive pointing out for free and in public.
Off the top of my head, I can name four that are always open and free: Lama Lena on Facebook and Youtube, The Rangdrol Foundation (run by the reddit user u/jigdrol), MeditationOnline.org, and The Pristine Mind Foundation . I know there are others, but at least to me on reddit and personally, these have been the most visible. I do know that Yongey Mingyur Rinpoche and James Low occasionally give pointing out instructions and videos on the practice. As well - many other lamas do on occasion, and especially Bon lamas - practitioners and Yogis from the Tibetan Indigenous religion, through teachings series or classes. Some may even do so if you are able to get a phone call with them.
Personally, I recommend finding someone who you can learn from personally, and allowing them to teach you whatever they can.
Edit: Here is a recent list of online teachers compiled by Dzogchen
Lama Lena Dzogchen Youtube Videos
Lama Lena Introductory Videos
Meditation Online Videos (Almost all Dzogchen)
Once you've received pointing out, there are also numerous public books, and texts one can read to deepen their understanding and/or background in the teachings, a few of which I've read and can list below. I'll also try to find some links that I care share too.
Many texts on Dzogchen, Mahyana and Vajrayana in general can be found on the excellent Lotsawahouse.org
A list of a few books that I've read and can personally recommend. Please note - these books (with the exception of Transcending AFAIK) are best read after having received transmission:
The Cycle of Day and Night by Chogyal Namkhai Norbu
Dzogchen: Heart Essence of the Great Perfection by HH The Dalai Lama
Zurchungpa's Testament by Dilgo Khyentse Rinpoche
Vajra Heart Revisited by Tulku Urgyen Rinpoche
Transcending Ego: Distinguishing Consciousness from Wisdom by Thrangu Rinpoche
Also, I've not read the Trilogy of Rest by Longchenpa but heard that they're excellent.
Anyways, this about wraps up the post. If you have any questions or additional comments, they are very welcome. I wish all of your the very best of luck on your paths, and that all beings may reach enlightenment.

This is my first reddit post and honestly it's a lot so please bear with me. I'm still trying to figure out how to process everything and make sense of it all. I guess we will start at the very beginning. My boyfriend,( we will call him michael) and I just passed 6 months together. Honestly, hes been great. We clicked pretty fast and have a great bond. I feel safe and comfortable around him and can communicate in a way ive never been able to before. It just kinda works. I definitely fell hard and fast for him and from what I could gather, the feeling was mutual. We had met on tinder in early October and went on our first date in November. We made it official shortly after our first date.
After we started dating, he had briefly mentioned that he had a friend who had a bit of a crush on him. I told him I didn't mind and I trusted him. As long as he kept things respectful to me, it didn't matter. He then explained that her crush was a bit obsessive and he actually wanted to push her out of his life and needed advice. Apparently, this friend, (we will call her beth) was pregnant and wanted Michael to be her baby's God Father. He said that she would follow him and got jealous when he was with other girls. I found this kind of odd but he swore they were just friends, so I told him the best way to let her down gently and let him do his thing. About two weeks later, he told me she was out of the picture. I didn't really care either way but the communication was cool.
Anyways, I pretty quickly forgot about all of that because it was irrelevant and I wanted to focus on our relationship. One night when we were hanging out, he got a snapchat notification. He turned away from me to respond to it but I didn't think much of it, just asked who that was. He said it was just a friend (we will call this one Jen) and they were catching up. I had never heard of her before but I didn't care, I just said cool and dropped it. Just like before, I quickly forgot about that conversation because again,it was irrelevant and I had better things to think about. I trusted him so why should I care who he talks to? He is his own person after all and I understand the importance of friendships.
Fast forward about another two weeks later, him and I had our first argument. I dont remember what it was about. Most likely something small and pointless because I had a stressful day at work but nothing too serious. We did not talk much that day. Later that night, I apologized and we talked it over. Everything was fine. He then told me that earlier in the day, an old friend that he had removed off social media readded him and messaged him. We will call her Molly. Apparently she had just noticed she was removed and was upset and wanted to know why. He told me that he sent her a message explaining that he didn't see her in his life long term and doesn't feel the need to keep someone around who won't be around forever so he didn't want to be friends anymore. He then removed her again. At this point I thought the way he acted was odd. I had never heard of molly before, he waited until he had already removed her before telling me about the conversation, she only came into the picture when we had our first argument and it got me thinking about the other girls who were just friends. I definitely started to over think a bit and was more than curious about who these people were and what their relationship to him was. But he swore they were all just friends. So I continued to believe him.
We went a long period of time without anything coming up so once again I forgot about it and moved on with my life. Him and I were doing great. We were young dumb and in love. I felt truly happy, something I hadn't experienced in a long time. I felt like I genuinely found someone who was right for me and I didn't need to second guess whether or not he was gonna cheat on me. He occasionally would ask to see my phone but I didn't have anything to hide so I allowed him. I had set a boundary with him that if he ever felt concerned or needed reassurance, he needed to bring it up to me first. After we talked it over then he could see my phone, but we would always go through it together. This seemed fair to me. My phone was never off limits, there just needed to be open communication. Anyways, he would always offer for me to see his phone in return but I would decline. I didn't feel the need to and I had learned from past experiences that if you go digging, you will most likely see something you can't unsee.
Then one day he needed to have his wisdom teeth removed. I dropped him off in the morning for his surgery and I was told I needed to hold on to his personal belongings and wait until the operation was over. No big deal. I know this is wrong and I shouldn't have but finally curiosity got the best of me and I looked on his phone. At first it wasn't malicious. I genuinely was just curious. But of course, I saw things I wish I could unsee. It started off on tiktok. In one of his conversations with a friend, he poured his heart out, explaining how he was still so in love with his ex and missed her like crazy. Of course it stung a little to see the things he said but I knew there was someone before me so it wasn't that surprising. That was until I saw those messages had been sent in mid October. So of course i was like huh.we started talking early October and dating early November. So clearly he wasn't over his ex when he met me. But I was willing to forgive it. It wasn't a deal breaker. But Instead of putting the phone down to protect my peace and his privacy, I kept looking. And boy did I find a lot. I found lots of old text messages from contacts that were not saved. Most of then were hard-core sexting and flirting. This dude literally acted like a dog.And yeah it was again hard to see but it was before me and he wasn't like that anymore. With me, he was gentle and respectful and never treated me like an object. Some people just go through a phase and that's okay. Again, it wasn't a deal breaker. But finally i found some very passionate, lovey, intimate messages with an unsaved contact. I was immediately drawn in by the kind words and heartwarming love messages. Whoever this was, they cared for eachother very strongly. I almost immediately felt heartbroken. Not because she was a past love interest, but because he had never spoken to me the way he spoke to her. I read all the way from the top of the conversation. Months worth of love confessions, paragraphs of strong feelings, longing to be with one another, etc. But finally halfway through in one of the paragraphs I see a name. Molly I was shattered. Molly was the girl who supposedly was removed months before him and I even met. The one that was "just a friend" who messaged him and he removed her because he didn't want to be friends anymore. Yeah clearly they were more than just friends. I was livid and felt crushed. Why did he feel the need to lie about something so unnecessary? I wouldn't have been mad if he had told the truth about who she was. But then it got me thinking. Was Beth truly just a friend? Was Jen truly just a friend? What was the actual relationship? I gathered up as much as I could but then the nurse came to the lobby to tell me he was awake and ready to go home. I kind of panicked and in my hurry, I forgot to delete the screenshots out of his phone.
We get in the car and I give him his phone, he's still pretty loopy. Obviously I had a million questions to ask him but I knew he wasn't in the right state of mind to have that conversation so I put my feelings aside and decided it could wait. Well he wanted to take pictures of his bloody swollen face and send it to his uncle. In the process, he sees the screenshots i had forgotten to delete off his phone and immediately screams what the f*** is this? I tried to talk calmly and explain that now wasn't a good time to talk about it and it could wait. He kept pressing "what the f*** did you do? Who the hell is this?" In my mind I thought "uh dude, you tell me." But didn't want to escalate it while he was drugged up. I decided the best option was to simply say that I wasn't mad , I stilled planned on taking care of him while he recovered and that we would need to have a conversation when he was in a better state of mind. He just started sobbing. Oh boy. I kind of ignored it as much as I could. I drove us to the store to get ice cream and other soft foods he could eat before taking us back to my apartment. I helped get him set up in my bedroom and he still was crying. So much so he started coughing out blood. It smelled awful and got everywhere. He was a wreck. I felt bad for everything. I felt guilty for going on his phone behind his back, for leaving the screeshots on his phone and for him crying. It took several hours but eventually I got him to calm down. I kept my word and continued to take care of him until he was recovered.
Finally when enough time had passed I decided it was time to sit down and talk about it. I explained that obviously I had found messages and i wanted an explanation. He told me molly was just a friend, and very clearly it was more than that. I also explained that I had a suspicion that he was not fully honest about his relationship with Jen and Beth either. He looked me dead in the eyes and said he had no idea what I was talking about and they were just friends. I remained calm and explained that I won't be mad at him or leave him. I told him I didn't want to fight. I just felt as though I deserved to know the truth if I was going to continue to be with him, especially since he was still in contact with Beth and Jen while we were dating. We continue to go back and forward for several hours with no progress. I decided then if he didn't feel I deserved the truth, I would find out for myself. I took the screenshots I had found and reached out to the contacts one by one.
Let's start with Beth. She was the quickest to respond. I briefly explained who I was and that I was hoping to ask some questions about my partner because I felt like i was being lied to and was hoping she could fill in some of the gaps. She texted back and simply asked "do you work at blank" I responded that yes, I did. She then asked if I lived at a specific apartment complex. I said yes and was creeped out. She knew where I worked and lived. She then asked if she could call me. I agreed. For some context, he told me that she was a friend he had met in school. He explained that she had gotten out of a rough relationship and he wanted to make sure she was okay when it happened. That's how they became close. He explained that they would hang out all the time and eventually she became obsessed with him. Well during my phone call with her, I heard a very different story. Yes, they met in school and initially started off as friends. But, slowly with time as they started to spend more and more time together, they started to catch feelings. He said I love you first. And she proved this with screenshots. She also sent me pictures of them holding hands and kissing. She explained that they never officially started dating but they definitely were more than just friends. Their relationship was much more physical and romantic than platonic. She also told me that they had hooked up about 3 times. She explained that they had eachothers location and pretty frequently they would make plans then he would last minute cancel. So she would see what he was doing and would see him at two very specific addresses. Visiting my work or my apartment. She eventually asked him where he was and he told her that I was his cousin and was trying to get out of a rough relationship so he was helping me. I felt sick. No wonder why she was "obsessed" he was borderline dating her, telling her he loved her, and then started to ditch her when he made things official with me. Then it killed me to realize that even though they never had an official title, he was dating the two of us at the same time. I didn't know what to do. I ended up apologizing to her for everything he did and told her I never would have agreed to be his if I knew he was entertaining someone else. Michael overheard this phone call between us and looked like he had seen a ghost after. All he did was started crying, said she was lying, and that she was only a friend. I asked "so....these screenshots and pictures are all made up?" No response. He knew he was busted.
I decided I needed to take some time to process that information and I didn't want to say something I would regret. I let him stay at my place because he had nowhere else to go and I went to stay with a friend. He kept calling and texting but I couldn't deal with it. I cried all night. I was a mess. I should have just accepted that I was cheated on and lied to but I couldn't leave. I needed to know the truth. So I kept reaching out. Next up was Jen. I never was able to reach her, but I found out through Michael and Beth that Jen was Beth's best friend. But even more than that, I found out the three of them had a threesome together. He had told me previously that he had never been interested in a threesome and would never want to have one. Then I found out not only did he have one and lied about it, but it was with two girls he told me were just friends.
I went back to my apartment the next day and tried to talk stuff out. He just continued to say they were just friends. I finally snapped. I screamed and cried and told him that I just wanted to know the truth. That I deserved the truth. He looked me in the eyes, pinky promised me no more lies. We talked for a while and basically he explained that he never had an official title with Beth. They were very close but he basically just used her to pass time because he had nothing better to do. He said he loved her because that's what she wanted to hear and he treated her like a partner without ever having any real feelings for her. He knew as soon as he met me that he wanted me but didn't want to hurt her so he just kind of pushed her to the side but kept her in the picture. I felt so sad for her. He used her. He led her on. He treated her like an object and then threw her to the side when he met me.I asked why he lied about having a threesome. He said he felt ashamed Apparently they started to do it and then he chickened out so he didn't really count it. That made sense to me. I was pissed that he lied but at least it made sense. Next I asked why he told me Beth and Jen were just friends instead of being honest about the relationship. He said he never had feelings for either and they never had the official title so he didn't think it was important and he did not want to scare me off. I explained to him that although I understand why he lied to me, I didn't forgive him. I warned him that I would not tolerate anymore lies and obviously for the time being I did not trust him. I told him I wouldn't break up with him but if I found out he lied again, he would lose me. I also told him I considered what he did as cheating since he was seeing us at the same time after him and I became mutually exclusive. After we concluded our conversation about Beth and Jen, I started thinking about molly and the messages I had seen. I asked him what their relationship was, he said just friends. I freaked and told him to give me his phone. I found their old messages and told him to read them. "Hey goofball, you awake? Well if you're not I have something impossible to say to you. You are my sun, my moon, and all my stars. I love you lots and want you to know that no matter what happens I will always care about you. To me you are perfect. Amazing. And attractive asf. You are also very sweet and caring and adorable. Don't think about the negative things about yourself that will drag you down. You are way more than that. This is an official goodnight and I love you goofball." This is just one of the MANY messages sent back and forward. He reads the conversation and just goes oh. He then says he didn't remember any of that happening. We began to argue and the story he tried to spin was that his life must have been so traumatic that his brain literally deleted his past memories and replaced them with false memories where he didn't do these things that he is ashamed of. He got caught in lies and after so long was just like...whoa I did that? I had no idea I didn't remember. Technically I didn't lie because I told what I thought the truth was the way I remembered it. I told him I wanted to break up and he cried and begged me to forgive him and stay. I listened.i tried to move on and make things normal again but I couldn't stop thinking about all the lies and what else he might have been lying about. Then randomly one day, Molly added me back on social media. She was the last and took over 1.5 months so honestly I figured I'd never get ahold of her. I was genuinely surprised to see her show up on my friend list and reached out. Once again back story, he told me that she lived in Wisconin and they had never met. He said he was also using her for nudes and to pass time, same way he used Beth. He had told me that he removed her off social media months before him and I even met and aside from that one night she reached out, he hadn't heard from her in forever. I found out from her that she did not live in Wisconsin, she lived in the same state as us That to her, they were definitely dating and in love. I also saw a messaged saved on snapchat where he had been texting her in October (after we met) and even sent her the same pickup lines he had sent me. he had cheated with not just one, but two (at least that I know of) other girls.
At this point I had been broken so bad I didn't even feel the pain anymore. I just went numb. I had no more tears left to cry and couldn't be bothered to care anymore. I stopped eating and taking care of myself. I just went to work, came home, slept and repeated. I had watched the man that I loved and adored, one that made me feel so safe and happy turn into a monster right in front of me. He wasn't him anymore. I finally could see him for who he was. But I still didn't leave. He told me that he had only ever slept with three girls. I later found out it was actually six. He told me he had never been in love before. I later found out he tells basically every girl he's ever talked to that he loves them AND genuinely was in love with his ex before me. He told me after his ex and him broke up, he had a rebound but he only hooked up with her once before ghosting her. I found out they actually dated for several weeks, hooked up several times, and she had taken cute couple pictures with him and posted them on social media. He said that he never wanted to take those pictures, she made him put his Hands on her and pose and if he didn't cooperate, she would throw a tantrum like a child. One last thing I think that is important to mention,when we went on our first date, I told him I don't do hookups. We stayed out late and hit it off really well so I offered for him to stay the night at my place. I said I was okay with cuddling and whatever but I did not want to have sex. He seemed okay with it. I went to bed and then when I woke up, my pants were off and he was inside me. He claimed he didn't know I was asleep and thought I wanted it because apparently my butt kept rubbing against him while we were spooning.
It's been about a month since all that and I'm still just meh. I haven't exactly forgiven him but I also don't hate him. Things are normal. I act normal we still do couple things. But I can't help but wonder if he is just using me the same way he used them. I mean after all, he lives in my apartment rent free and asked me to buy him a truck for his birthday. He says I should forgive him because he genuinely doesn't remember doing these things and he didn't mean to lie to me. He said he's so ashamed of who he was but isn't like that anymore. He doesn't associate with who he was and wants to be given a chance to show that he is different. But can I ever forgive him? Should I? Where do I go from here? I feel so lost and confused. I dont think I'll ever be able to trust his word again. I dont feel secure. He broke me so bad I can't even feel anymore. Am I crazy and somehow making this a bigger deal than it is? Can I ever have the man I fell in love with back? I'm sorry if this was confusing. I'm typing this all out in one sitting. Please help me because I genuinely am so lost and I don't want to tell any friends because I don't want them to hate him.
TLDR: My boyfriend cheated on me with at least two other girls that I know of at the moment and has lied to me about too many things to count. His argument is that It doesn't actually count as cheating because he technically didn't date these people and he didn't remember doing it.

If a guy only wants to be friends with you does that mean he never found me attractive?
I was dating an intj guy, and during dates he was very affectionate, would have amazing intellectual conversations, and he would always speak of how similar we were and how well we got along. He would kiss my forehead, hold my hand etc But he always kept dates short. If I ever stayed over, in the morning it was clear he just wanted me to leave.
After dates, he took like 2 days to reply but always sent long paragraphs. But very formal ones, no flirting. Almost robotic like. We certainly had a connection but I was so confused.
One day I was brave and sent a flirty text. The text went ignored and he didn’t message me for 2 weeks before telling me he didn’t feel romantic and he didn’t think we were the right fit. Confusing as he always talked about how well we got along.
2 months later, he wanted to meet up as friends. Music gigs, took me to play golf. It was clear he was very happy to see me, hugging me a lot and subtly touching me. He even started asking questions like do I see myself having children. Some days he would send me memes and random stuff over text all day, whilst other days he’d take several days to reply
We continued to have intellectual conversations, something I loved about him and missed dearly. He showed interest in my art, my life .
Then one day, he just stopped replying.
A month later, he checked back in with a message asking about my holiday. I then responded to see how he is doing and he didn’t reply. He continues to like all my pictures
I don’t understand why I am only a friend he sporadically now reaches out to. I am an INFP, but I felt me and him really click. He agreed. But I just keep wondering if he might regret or if he’s keeping me around as undecided.
I feel really sad about it all as I really like him and I felt we were a match . I keep having this horrible thought maybe he didn’t find me attractive at all (during sex he struggled to keep it up and said he was thinking too much )

To start this story off, I suppose it's best to talk a little bit about myself and my experience in the TTRPG space. I've been an avid TTRPG enthusiast for almost two decades now. Yes, I'm a bit of an old hat/old fogey. I started my enjoyment of the hobby with Pathfinder 1st edition, eventually transferring over to DnD 5e when it first arrived on the scene, mostly because it was the new hotness, but I ultimately found that it was better suited for the type of games that I enjoy running at my table. While I very adamantly enjoy the structure that a game's mechanical rules bring to the table, 5e provided a rules system that wasn't invasive, and so me and my friends were able to focus on the things about the game that we enjoyed the most - the roleplaying, the storytelling, and (most importantly) the fun.
Many years would go by, as well as a couple of what I would consider to be successful campaigns - basically anything that managed to survive longer than 3 months. Scheduling, right? I digress. Eventually, I arrived at a point where my current circle of friends and I were itching to play a new campaign, and for the shits and giggles of it we decided we would livestream it on Twitch. At the time, we had managed to get affiliated on Twitch, and one or two of us would occasionally have a couple of viewers pop in when we were streaming whatever video game we were playing, and we figured it would be fun to do the same thing with our next campaign. So we did. As you might expect, nothing really ever came out of it. We were just doing it for fun. The campaign only lasted about 3 months or so, and we never set out with the expectation that what we were releasing into the world was anything amazing - we were just four normal dudes having fun playing a game we enjoyed, and if you happened to find yourself on our Twitch channel to see it, awesome! If not, cool. We weren't doing it for you.
So, yeah, that campaign eventually fell off, and we would eventually return to just streaming whatever video game excited us. One of friends got married, and had a kid, and was too busy for DnD. Another friend got a new job, and his schedule just didn't give him the time. Hell, even I managed to land a pretty decent job at the time, and I struggled to make time for our weekly video game nights, but I managed. But ever since that streamed campaign had ended, I had an itch in the back of my mind that I really wanted to scratch. I thoroughly enjoyed everything about livestreaming our campaign. Sure, it was nothing to write home about, but I fell in love with the showmanship of it all. Maybe it was because of the thought of the potential for someone to eventually watch it, but whenever we would stream, I would get in the zone and pretend I was putting on a show for thousands (even though we may have only ever had three or four viewers at max). Basically, I had fallen in love with the idea of putting on a show for others, and I knew I would jump at the chance to do it again in the future. Enter Wayne.
A little over a year ago (at the time of this posting), I was perusing through the /LFG subreddit and not looking for anything in particular, when I stumbled across a post that checked off all the boxes.
I don't like to admit that I'm picky, but that fact that this sub exists should give credence to that fact that one should, at the very least, have a criteria when looking for games to invest yourself in when looking at advertisements. And if my little backstory above should inform you, there were a number of things on my checklist that this post had. For starters, it was longer than a few sentences. Clearly, the person who posted this was meticulous about what they wanted and what they didn't want (I would learn, much later on, that Wayne was not the one who wrote the post, but one of his players). Secondly, the post was very adamant about what was of paramount importance at the table - rich and compelling narratives, deep exploration of characters, and a passion for roleplay. And thirdly, the plan was to turn this into a "production". The post even included a promo video of respectable quality. Clearly, the people involved with this had a plan, much more of a plan than my friends and I had when we streamed. And, I considered myself a pretty decent roleplayer, so I applied. They were only looking for 1 applicant, but I figured I had a decent shot, with my previous livestreaming experience, and the fact that I already owned a (what some would call excessive) microphone and camera. So I shot my shot. If I didn't get picked, no biggie, life goes on. But when I received a discord invite and told that I had made it to the second round of the application process, I was ecstatic.
It is around here that I should introduce you to our cast of characters (names have been changed, of course:

• There is, of course, me, Dave - a guy who fundamentally believes that fun and safety at a table supersedes everything else, who happens to really enjoy hamming it up in character, and telling exciting stories.
  
• Ava - an already confirmed player at the table, with a past experience of playing with Wayne. I would come to find out that Ava was the one who had written the LFG post. Ava was also in charge of Discord moderation, and the second round interview process. She has her own story, which I will allude to here, but is ultimately hers to share.
  
• Jelly - Wayne's significant other. Jelly was supposedly not involved with the upcoming campaign at all, but had a presence on the Discord, and have previously played in Wayne's campaigns.
  Seth - another already confirmed player at the table. Admittedly, Seth plays a minor role in the story, but his inclusion is necessary.
  
  • and Wayne - the lead character of our story. The DM of the upcoming campaign. The visionary. The guy who plans to have the next big thing in the TTRPG actual play space.

There are at least a half dozen other individuals involved in this story, but ultimately play very minor roles. If at some point while I am writing this one of them pop up, I will update the list above to include them.
Back to the story. I was ecstatic to find out I had been selected for an Discord interview and scheduled it at my earliest convenience. This is where I first meet Ava. To be honest, I don't recall much about the interview, but I remember it being pretty standard and what I was expecting an interview to be. Mostly it was just going into detail about some of the stuff I had included in my primary application and talking about expectations and goals. I was told that after the Discord interview, the next step would be a participation in a practice one shot, to get a feel for how I would play at the table. After the interview was over, Wayne hopped into the voice channel, and this would be when I would meet the man, the legend.
I pride myself on being very good at reading people. I can usually pick up on when someone is trying to sell me something, pretty quickly. I tend to over analyze words and expression looking for intent. I have been gaslit and manipulated several times in my past by people very close to me, and so I have developed this defense when meeting people for the first time. Very rarely do I take someone at their word, or completely buy what they are selling when I hardly know them, and even less so to a complete stranger. In this case, when meeting Wayne for the first time, my defenses failed me.
Perhaps it was because it had been over a year since I last ran a campaign. Perhaps it was because it had been even longer than that that I actually got to be a player in a campaign. Perhaps it was because of that itch of wanting to perform again for an audience. Or, perhaps, it was because Wayne was very good at pitching his plans. Whatever the reason, my first impression of Wayne was that this was a guy who had a plan, and had the means to enact that plan, and I wanted to be a part of it in any way that I could.
Wayne, you see, had two big passions in life. The first was DnD. The second, as he would admit, was being an entrepreneur. He owned his own business in New York City. One of several ventures he had pursued, and it afforded him a premium NYC apartment and the time and luxury to spend on his second passion - playing DnD. And so, he thought, why not marry these two passions together? He had a great head for business. And according to him, the last campaign he had run was fantastic. So fantastic, he thought, that surely other people would enjoy listening to it. And so he hatched a plan - he would use his business knowledge and savvy to launch a Youtube channel that would be home to his next great campaign. But he had the foresight, at least, to know of just how saturated the DnD actual play space has become in recent years. If he wanted to be successful at this venture, he would have to stand out from the rest. And he had a solution to that. He wasn't going to put out just any old DnD actual play. He was going to create "DnD Cinema".
To do that, he said, he needed the right people that share in the same core philosophies that he had. Namely, a "pretentious level of hyperfixation on roleplaying and narrative storytelling". Most other actual plays, to him, were playing "beer and pretzels" DnD. You know, the type of game were you sit around with your friends having a good time and a laugh, where you might spend five minutes on an out of character joke, etc. Shit like that wasn't going to fly in this campaign. When you came to the table, you were going to be in character from start to finish. And recording sessions were going to be seven hours long. Could I handle that?
And I admit that I told him I could. Like I said, he had a way with words. He was clearly passionate about it. And he talked a good talk. And he was friendly enough. So he said he would be in touch. And the wait began.
Over the course of the next month or so, I would come to become friends with Ava and Wayne. We would hop into Discord and play games, talk about the upcoming campaign, etc. It was going to be several months before the campaign actually began recording, and so Wayne was still conducting the interview process while also working on worldbuilding for the campaign. He was also spending over $3000 dollars commissioning an animated table for the youtube video. This was clearly something he was very proud of, as he took every and all opportunity to talk about how amazing and innovative it was going to be.
You see, in Wayne's vision of "DnD cinema", the videos that would be put up on youtube would not include the faces of the players. Or battlemaps. Instead, it would be animated table that he could manipulate in editing at various cue points. It would feature portraits of the characters that would light up when they speak. It was the next big thing in the TTRPG space - a (frankly) audio only experience that was accentuated with the occasional fancy animation that cost thousands of dollars. No one else was doing it, he would say, and that would help him stand out even more.
It was also during these more innocent days that I would come to understand Wayne's obsession with Brennan Lee Mulligan. He idolized the guy. In fact, he would brag on multiple occasions that his significant other's job had her 3 or 4 degrees removed from Brennan - basically, she worked for someone who worked for someone who was involved with the Dungeons and Drag Queens season of Dimension 20, and he would often mention how he was hoping to use that connection to someday have a sit down and meet and greet with BLeeM himself. As time would go on, I would eventually find out that Wayne actually considered Brennan Lee Mulligan as his competition.
About a month would past before I would hear anything about my application. I never brought it up during our gaming sessions, as another core tenet of mine is that I don't want my friendship or acquaintance with someone to give me an edge over other candidates. I want my experience and what I bring to the table to stand on its own merit. This will come up later in our story. Eventually, I would get a message from Wayne asking me if I would be interested in participating in a try out one shot for the campaign. Apparently, he had completely forgotten that I had applied, and wanted to schedule in a last minute try out for me. My fellow players during the one shot would be Ava, some other member of the discord community, and Jelly.
I'll be honest, the one shot was nothing to write home about. And even Wayne would admit it was something he threw together last minute so that he could say I had my chance. I immediately found Ava to be a fantastic scene partner, and even for a one shot, put the time and effort into her character and actions. Jelly, on the other hand, was not that good. To be fair to Jelly, my criteria for grading her performance was strictly on the curve that Wayne himself said he was grading people on. I found her to be a very selfish player, who failed to pick up on narrative cues, and was solely focused on her time in the spotlight. But it was a trial one shot that didn't mean anything. My biggest take away from Jelly was that she was a player that I would not enjoy playing with in the future, and that I wouldn't seek out as a player at a table that I was DMing for. Not horror story bad (yet), but not good. Average.
When the application process was done, it would eventually come down to two choices. I was one. Wayne loved my southern twang, and thought it would sound good in a production. And we had become friends. The other was someone with a theater and acting background, who had been to Julliard. I was not selected. And I was okay with that. The decision did not impact my friendship with either Ava or Wayne, and we continued to hang out and play games together. I then learned of Wayne's new plan.
In the original posting ad for the campaign, it had been mentioned that a possibility for guest character appearing in the campaign could happen. The original idea was that, as members of the Discord community would play in one shots, Wayne would then be able to invite stand out performance to appear in an episode or two of the new campaign, as a gift to the community and to give those players a chance to play in a campaign with other players of similar caliber. This all changed as the months got closer to release date. The idea for guests at the table changed completely. Instead, Wayne's plan was to use the guest spots at the table as a networking opportunity. Don't forget - Wayne is an entrepreneur. This was a business venture for him, and successful businesses need to show growth. And he wanted to achieve growth at an accelerated pace. The plan was simple - as the channel grew, Wayne would scour the internet for similar channels with slightly higher subscriber count than his. Well, I say Wayne would do this. Wayne would actually pawn this off on to someone else. A tangent that I will perhaps need to touch on later in this story - Wayne was very good at finding ways of pawning off work on to others, and then taking the credit. He very much believe himself to be a manager, and other members of the Discord that showed any interest in the success of this venture as his employees. He would then engage in communications with these other channels in the hopes of achieving some Quid Pro Quo. You send someone to be a guest on our channel for a few episodes, and we'll shout you out. In return, he would send someone from his channel to theirs, and get a shout out in return. Something to note here - all of this was done without ever including his players in the discussion. He was offering them up to strangers without even asking if they even wanted to do that.
Time passes, and eventually recording for the campaign begins. It would be about two months into recording when Wayne approached me about being the first guest character. (At this point, I had been an active member of the Discord community for over six months now). He wanted me to be the first guest character for two reasons. The first was because I was familiar, and he wanted to test out the format before bringing in strangers. The second was because of my prior livestreaming experience. I was a part of an affiliated Twitch channel that met the criteria of having a slightly higher subscriber count than his. But for the most part, our old Twitch channel was dead. Sure, we still streamed games into the void, but there was practically no engagement. And I told him so when he asked me if I wanted to be introduced as someone from that Twitch channel. I was more involved in his community as that point, anyway. And so, I finally got what I was wanting - to sit down and play quality DnD with like minded individuals for the purposes of entertaining others.
At this point, only a handful of episodes had aired. The recording schedule had them a grace period of a month or so before release, and I admittedly hadn't watched them. Honestly, I wasn't that interested. I don't know if that's bad or not. There are a lot of actual plays out there of varying quality. And each one requires a lot of time commitment to watch. Already I was regularly watching Critical Roll, and I was having a hard time to find time to watch some of the other really good shows I was enjoying, like Dimension 20 and The Glass Cannon. On top of that, it was an game that I wasn't a part of, so yeah, I admit I hadn't watch any of it. But even if I had, it wouldn't have prepared me for what playing at the table was actually like. The released episodes were highly edited, with sound effects and music. It wasn't until I became actually involved at the table that I would find out just how manufactured the game actually was. And I use the word "game" very generously.
For starters, once recording began, all out of character talk and banter was immediately and explicitly forbidden. We were to remain in character at all times. Secondly, I would find out that Wayne had developed a "formula for success" in regards to time spent recording. No scene would ever last longer than ten minutes. If players spent too much time having their characters engaging with each other and the time elapsed, we were moving on the next scene, regardless of if it was a natural conclusion or not. Speaking of the characters, I would come to learn that the characters that the player brought to this campaign were secondary to the story that Wayne wanted to tell. "This campaign isn't character focused, it's story focused" he would say. The campaign simply did not have time for that. I don't like to toss out the word "railroaded" very often, but it quickly became apparent that there was a good bit of railroading being done here. The only character decisions or choices or conversations that would ever make it to the final cut were ones that provided what he thought would be the most interesting while pushing his narrative forward. And for a DnD game, there wasn't a whole lot of game being done here. Sure, the players had character sheets, and classes, but it was all superficial. Combat was a rarity on the level of a shiny Pokemon. I think mostly because Wayne didn't find combat narratively compelling. But in that case, I have to ask, why use DnD as your game system? If all you want to do is roll clicky dice and improv, there are much better systems out there. And speaking of the dice - I'm sad to say that in most cases they were superfluous, as well. The only real purpose the dice served to Wayne was when they could be used to clip epic moments of success or failure. A natural 20 or a natural 1 was gold for him, because then he could clip it into a Youtube or Tiktok Short and grow those subscriber numbers. For a game in which "every decision hung on the roll of a dice", there weren't a lot of dice rolls, there weren't a lot of decisions, and when there were decisions, most of the time, the outcome was predetermined by Wayne. Everything Wayne did in regards to this game was in service to growing his Youtube channel. And the sad part? It worked.
In a shockingly short amount of time, Wayne was able to grow his Youtube channel from just over a 100 subscribers to over a 1000. This was mostly done by his excessive push of Youtube and Tiktok shorts. For a short period of time, I was deemed trustworthy enough to have access to the Youtube channel's admin, and I could view the statistics. The turnover rate for shorts into actual video views was miniscule. Only a tiny fraction were tuning in for the actual show. At this point, he had just become a Youtube Shorts creator.
And I want to mention at this point - I understand and respect the hustle. The world of Youtube is a dog eat dog world, and you have to have to play the game to stay in the game - I get it. I don't have any issue with being proud of what you've created, and pushing it out to people. I really don't. My issue was with how deceptive Wayne was being with it. And how deceptive he was, in general, as I would come to find out.
You see, before the inaugural campaign had even launched, Wayne approached me one day to see if I would be interested in running a campaign on his channel, as I had experience before in it, and had expressed an interest in doing it again. And I will admit, I was excited about the prospect. But before my words of "Yeah, I'd love to talk about" even had a chance to dissipate into the ether, Jelly would hop into the channel, in the middle of the discussion to say, "You know who should run a campaign? Seth." And then immediately log off.
I don't have a lot to say about Seth. I think he is an amazing, caring, friendly guy. He also happens to be an incredible roleplayer and storyteller, and his character is Wayne's campaign is truly phenomenal. I envy how easy it is for Seth to get into and portray the wide arrange of emotions of a character. He also happens to be a great GM. I understand why Jelly would suggest him to run a campaign. What I didn't understand, at the time, were her motives. Wayne, Ava, Jelly, and Seth had all played in a previous campaign together, and Wayne and Jelly had become enamored by just how good Seth was. And even prior to that, Ava and Seth had a past campaign together. Jelly wanted to be a player in a Seth run campaign. And if Wayne was going to have a second campaign on the channel, she wanted it to be Seth's, and she wanted to be a player in it.
And so, immediately, any and all discussion about me running a campaign was ceased, and the legwork was put forth for Seth to run a campaign. Wayne would approach him about it, and he was interested. Seth would already have in mind the players that he wanted for it - two friends of his from outside the server, Ava, and another player from the Wayne campaign. Noticeably missing from that list - Jelly.
Strangely, Wayne would then tell Seth that if he was going to run a campaign on the channel, he would have to have an application process for the players, and open it up so that anyone could apply. After Seth had already stated he already had players in mind - players who already said yes. I don't know about you, but as a DM, I would never let someone dictate to me who I could have at my table. If I have players in mind already, it's because I have a reason. But Wayne demanded an application process be followed, and a second LFG post would appear in LFG for the Seth run campaign - that was noticeably advertising for 4 players. After Seth had chosen his players. The advertisement came with another well edited and narrated youtube promo that was, and still is, the highest viewed video on the channel. And all of it was a sham. Which I knew it was. And I confronted Wayne about it. It was then that I learned some unsavory backstory involving Ava and Jelly and the prior campaign. That is not my story to tell. I have shared my accounts of events with Ava, and she is considering posting an account from her perspective following this. The most I am willing to say on this is that involves situations that should never be okay at a DnD table, and that Wayne would gloss over and sugarcoat these situations as no big deal. It would lead to Ava not being comfortable with being at a table with Jelly which both I, and Seth, would understand.
Wayne, however, found this to be unfair and manipulative on Ava's part. Those past incidents should have had no bearing on Jelly's consideration for the Seth run campaign. Which is why he would demand an application process. He would then confide to me when I questioned the duplicity of the LFG advertisement that it wasn't completely misleading. There would still be someone chosen from the list of applicants - because he was going to make sure that Ava wasn't part of the campaign. After Seth had already told both Wayne and her that she was. After the players for that game had already come together for a session zero. He claimed that Ava had prior incidents of being difficult to work with, and that because he wasn't involved in the campaign, he couldn't be there to handle any situations that might arise of conflicts between players at the table. At the time I thought that was an odd statement to make - if you are trusting enough of another person, like Seth, to run a campaign on your channel shouldn't you be trusting enough in their ability to handle problems between players? Looking back now, I can only assume he made that statement because he was certain that Jelly would be a player at the table, and that problems might arise between Jelly and Ava. He asked that I keep the conversation between us. But that was something I could not do. None of that situation felt right to me. Wayne, Ava, and I had been friends playing games together for nearly a year now. I never saw any inclination of Ava being a "problem player" - she was great at the table, and a great person to hang out with. And I found it weird that Wayne would say those things about her, and not approach her about it. So of course I talked to her. For weeks she had been sharing her excitement of the new campaign with me, often with Wayne in the voice channel with us. Ava would then share with me her past experiences with Wayne and Jelly. Again, it is not my story to tell, but I am a good judge of character. I believed Ava's account of events. It made sense to me, with how Wayne and Jelly acted.
I wish I could say this story had a happy and/or satisfying conclusion. I'm not even really sure if there is a point to it, or even if it will be a good read. It has been clear for some time now that Wayne has been entirely obsessed with the growing of his Youtube channel, damn any and all bridges burned, and walking back some of his initial promises of what he claimed the campaign and the Youtube channel would be. It's also very clear to me that Wayne is someone who absolutely has to have control over everything, especially the narrative (fictional and real life).
There are so many minor grievances to air about Wayne that I haven't already touched on, and I feel like I've already taken up too much of your time already. Here's just a brief overview, I'd be more than happy to go into more details if you want them:

• Multiple players from the Wayne campaign confided in me about some of the problems they had with Wayne and how the game was being run. When Wayne found out, he blew his lid, and said that he was both Manager and HR, and no one should be complaining to anyone outside of the table. If they were going to complain to anyone, it should be him.
  
  • It turns out, Wayne has a prior history of being an asshole. Long before the Youtube channel, and the campaign, even before the previous campaign, he told his then group that they were playing the game wrong. He then found a new group, sang their praises to the old group, and then even brought both groups together to show the old group "the right way to play"
  • In addition to Wayne, he has two editors working for him. One of which he pays. The other one has had no compensation. The one not getting paid is doing the same work as both Wayne and the paid editor combined.
  • I mentioned way early on in the story that Ava was the Discord Administrator for the Discord server. After the Seth campaign incident, Wayne unceremoniously removed Ava as Administrator, told her it was "by mistake", and never put it back. As far as I can tell, there was nothing to warrant this other than control. I suspect it was because there were certain Seth campaign related channels or other channels he didn't want Ava to see.
  • The unceremonious removal of myself and Ava from the Youtube channel admin. Admittedly, we contributed very little to it, but it was removed without a word mentioned.
  • Recently making a post requiring his "talent" to purchase a minimum $5 dollar Patreon subscription. He has admitted to me the reasoning for this was to inflate Patreon subscriber numbers to entice new subscribers. He has since walked that back after much outcry from the "talent"
  • Asking Seth if it wouldn't be too much to convert his envisioned DnD campaign into a Daggerheart campaign, because Daggerheart is the new hotness, and will attract more viewers.

Ultimately, I suppose I feel disheartened and deceived. Deceived because I originally signed up for what I thought was going to be a bunch of friends sitting around and recording themselves playing quality DnD, and it has shifted so far from that original purpose. Wayne is obsessed over subscriber numbers and views, it's all he ever talks about. He claims that his goal is to reach a level of success to which all 10+ people involved will be able to achieve financial freedom (which he claims is roughly $2000 a month). I'm sure you've done the math, just like I have. Even if you believe $2k a month is financial freedom (I certainly don't), that comes out to $240,000 a year. That's an insane level of success to promise your players. Oh, I'm sorry, your "talent".
I feel disheartened because....there's actually good work being done here. Some of the players are some of the best I've ever played with. Wayne can actually be a good storyteller, when he's not pushing for likes or clicks. The editors do a really fantastic job. I have seen and listened to the work being done on the Seth campaign (luckily Wayne is only tangentially involved), and Seth's campaign is turning out to be something really special. There is something good being done here, but it seems so tainted by Wayne and his obsession for Youtube and Tiktok success. So, maybe this is an RPG Horror Story, maybe it's a cautionary tale. I dunno. I have committed to finishing out my run in the campaign, (I was brought back to the table multiple times because the players enjoy playing with me, and also I suspect I was involved in one of his highest viewed shorts), but my hearts not in it. I've told Wayne I've no interest in any of his future projects, and I wish him well on his Youtube journey. But in the pursuit of clicks, and likes, and subscribers, I feel like he has fundamentally lost what attracts people to actually watch and invest in TTRPG actual plays - authenticity.

I’m a stay at home mom of two baby boys. Married 3 years & dated 6 months prior to marriage & got pregnant a couple of months before getting married.
I’m going to get shit for all my bad decision-making here.
I prayed (out loud) for a man that would meet all this criteria and one month later met my husband. He met all the criteria of my prayer so no matter what bad things happened, I thought God had this purposed for me. I mean like a checklist of 10-20 items all checked off. I was vedy devout in my faith. But, now looking back I feel like maybe it wasn’t God who answered my prayer. Maybe this was like a time in the book of Job where God let Satan attack Job and take everything away from him. I don’t know. Oddly enough, the man that became my husband said he prayed for this, too, one month prior.
He love-bombed me. He devalued me. Later, he threatened to leave me (but never has). While we were dating, when I was pregnant, when we were engaged. He called escorts behind my back. I find out he had sexual relations with a woman in his apartment complex one week before we started dating - he told me three years into our marriage. Before we dated, he also had a two year affair with a married woman (whose husband to this day has no idea about it.) He was meeting her and texting her behind my back 2 weeks into us being officially dating exclusively. I find out because he got arrested and I went to pick up his things on his person at the jail. I guess his passcode in one try and there I see the truth. He lied about this woman - he said she was a best friend with no I love yous and no sexual relations. He even asked me if it was okay to be friends with her and I asked him those two questions. He lied and the proof was right there. We were fairly new so I didn’t read too many texts. I spent one hour on his phone at most and handling a panic attack in between.
I read where he texted escorts, too, and read two other relationships he had while seeing this married woman. My mind was blown. I was done. I screenshoted some evidence for my personal keepsake. I texted the married woman because their I love you was so recent. I told her what happened and said to go get him out of jail because I was done. She blew up my phone with texts. She wanted to know who I was and she wanted to share all the creepy details about this man. She claimed they only had sex twice and it was rape - bullshit. She also said a lot of other things like she knew when he bought me a coffee and knew when he went to the city to meet his friends. She said he said that they could still have sex while he was seeing me. He denied it and said it was the other way around.
When he got out of jail, he contacted me and sent me a video. She texted me to show me he sent her a video, too. Same shirt, same scenery and all filmed back after back. He told her how much he cared about her but he was letting her go. He came to meet me because I took his dog to care after her while he was in jail. He talked me into giving him one more chance. I moved into his apartment to get away from a situation at home. I fell for him hard and believed I was in love. We texted and talked all the time and when we were able, we were together. I went on a trip for a week withoht him to California. I got back and the sheets were washed. He said he did that for me so I can come home to clean sheets. Later over the course of our relationship I noticed he never much stepped up to do the laundry. A lot of chores started falling on me. Before even being married he expected me to coean his whole apartment which seemed to have never been touched once with any cleaning.
We were fighting a lot and I saw some of his anger but I thought he was just frustrated with things he was dealing with in his life. He got sort of pushy with me having intercourse with him at times I told him I didn’t want to because I wanted to wait. That made him angry. I find out that he had been FaceTiming escorts from the first weeks we started dating and found at least one call every month up to the week we were suppose to get married. I was shocked! I had no idea and I couldn’t believe it. We had intercourse so much that he wouldn’t need that so I thought. He said it was like porn to him and he had that habit from before he met me. Keep in mind, I’m religious so I was abstinent most of my life and these red flags weren’t so obvious to me. I thought most men were dogs like this. The biggest factor that blew my mind (of which he explained away) was that these escorts weren’t typical - they were transgender women and some still had their boy parts. After talking with someone who I thought was like a mom to me(I find oht later she wasn’t for me), I went through with the wedding, and besides, I was having his baby.
We moved states. I noticed a lot of verbal abuse starting from typically the night time as we shared a bed. He would cuss at me a lot and get so angry. It was almost every night. I was surprised - thinking who is this guy. He made me cry a lot. It was so stupid, I got screamed at just for rolling over in my sleep. He explained this away later after the problem got better. I began feeling like I made a mistake in marrying him. I was so scared at the same time because this was my first pregnancy. I feared so much about the “what ifs” and what world this baby was coming into.
The abuse got worse. It got physcial from time-to-time. He says I was abusive back but I feel like it was reactive abuse because it became too much for me. I would hit him back. It ate at my mind every day and I had all these hormones because I was going to have a baby soon. When pregnant, he has pushed me, held me down, jumped on me with his hands around my neck. He said things that were horrible like he would walk away from this son like he did his first son (he had a son from an earlier relationship which he had nothing to do with). Fear overcame me and some days I thought ending my life was the only way to escape my life and prevent a nightmare for my son. (These feelings relented later in time.)
One time he held up furniture above his head and he was ready to throw it at my head - I believe this was right after our son was born. We argued a lot because my mistrust in him because what I mentioned I discovered earlier. I wanted him to assure me he was trustworthy so sometimes I asked for his phone. Doing that resulted many times in violence and rage. When he had that furniture held up, I felt like he was going to end me right then and there. He stopped himself and I asked him why. He said because he saw the fear in my eyes.
We fought and made up A LOT. That was our relationship and me asking him where he has been or was he with someone. It was terrible for both of us. I discover later that he lied about a lot of things. I didn’t even know he didn’t have a drivers license until about 1-2 years into our marriage. I didn’t know the pictures of his boy parts I found once while dating were to the escorts. I asked him approximately a thousand times. He doesn’t just lie - he tells a story with details and the whole thing is a lie.
I use to check his phone and browser history because it was never ending place of discovery. I never got confessions out of him but I did get evidence that he thought he hid. He must have gotten better at hiding things because I would find less and less. I got to a point where I don’t check anymore - I know and it’s a damn headache to live like that. All the time he did these things, he swore his love for me. He said I was everything.
I discovered again a lie the first time he went to Miami last year (his first time away from me.) He took advantage and called at least ten eacorts and almost met up with one (or did. I don’t know. There’s no money spent but he lied and said the last escort called was his co-worker. I may never know what happened but his coworkers got weird around me after that trip. They won’t look me in the eye.) I didn’t know all this until December last year where I asked him for his T-Mobile password. He didn’t think I would find this when giving me the password.
I saw a text after that trip and found out he lied. He was awake at 2:00PM after he told me he went to bed on the phone. He told me how he missed me SOOO much. He said he tried putting his arm around me in bed to realize I was not there. We FOUGHT over the phone. He didn’t want me to see the rest of the texts between him and his coworker. He left bruises on my arms pushing and shoving me with all his strength. He overpowered me and I never saw the messages. He said he was hiding the fact ge did cocaine. I lost control because I pulled a knife out at him. Not to hurt him but to intimidate him. (I never lost it like this again -he ALWAYS uses this against me to say I’m the abusive one.)
December he admitted the elaborate cocaine story he gave me was a LIE. He said he did do cocaine but not how he told me. The real thing he was hiding was the escorts. At that time, I find out he kissed a coworker (maybe more but nobody will tell me anything.) Another girl told me he was always flirting with new hires. After I find this out from these girls, he put two holes in the walls and broke the doors at the apartment that was in my name. He also bought me $200 roses and a new marriage ring fo Christmas along with other nice gifts. He even goes to therapy to get better at his lying problem (which he only did for about 3 sessions.) He swore this was the last time I would EVER have this happen to me. He swore he loved me and our family. My second baby was born February after ALL of that.
November, my mom died and left me money. I find all that out after I put money on a house for us - Our first house. I made sure we were good. I made sure my baby had everything he could need. I didn’t even buy myself a new car (backstory I lost my good credit, my 2020 car and had one eviction in this marriage. I was almost $30,000 in debt after all of that. My husband made his bad credit good and how we got the house, too. He still has his car and no evictions on his name. We paid over $5,000 for his traffic tickets and court fees plus his debts.)
I could have left then but I was vulnerable because I was having another baby in two months.I feared all the time because I couldn’t get a job or keep one being pregnant and I worried about having one after because I wouldn’t make enough with him and me working would put us at a negative income. I tried building this website but I have yet to get sales. I knew I needed to get out but one last things I feared was breaking up my marriage. I thought he could get better for all his problems.
His anger reared its head again this past month. I found a book titled “Why did he do that.” My husband fits a lot of those examples of abusers. The book said the nice guy is the mask.
This time when he got angry, he said it was my fault he cheated on me. He said it’s a woman’s fault if a man cheats. He said that women need to keep a man happy. He said he had depression caused by me which he never mentioned before. He always said I made him happier than he ever has been in his life. I didn’t know about the cheating just like I didn’t know about the cause. He endlessly lied to me.
I went to his work and asked his boss about the girl he kissed. He is still lying. He said he told his boss what happened. His boss said they both said nothing when they came in for questioning. My husband got the word out and it turned into drama when those girls texted me.
My husband is two people. Dr. Jekell and Mr. Hyde. I just learned recently he has been reading my journals on my phone and texts between my sister. He read my reddit posts. He lied about this and kept it to himself. I feel like he may have planned trapping me in my marriage so I would have nothing. I feel like he is stalking me, too. I have 30K left locked up in a CD - he wants that when its available to pay off the credit cards in his name. We both spend on those cards for food and needs. I want to keep it as my nest just in case. He scares me sometimes. I feel like he may charm a judge when we fight for custody if I leave. I’m scared he will bring up the knife incident and the baker act (I was bakeracted last year when 5 months pregnant- he said he would cut me off financially and have me and our unborn baby fend for ourselves. I panicked and he was being a monster. I said he was hurting me and he said he didn’t care.) I told a cop I wanted to hurt myself but I wasn’t suicidal - I just feared my husband and wanted to get away from him. It was impulsive and I regretted saying it immediately. He was messing with my mind - he fake called the cops. Never dialed but acted out a conversation. I called right after.
I fear him. He is looking like a pscychopath to me or narcist - he pal ed his whole marriage and family around abuse and lies. He admitted to lying to keep me from leaving him on a few occassions. He would act like a little innocent and hurt boy. I could never see the abuser when he switched.
Would you be scared, too? I feel like no matter what I will never be free from him. My husband has once told me nobody will believe me. Everyone thinks I’m crazy - he said this right after convincing the cops that. (Time where he bent the truth to make it funny - the cops were sold.)

I’m a stay at home mom of two baby boys. Married 3 years & dated 6 months prior to marriage & got pregnant a couple of months before getting married.
I’m going to get shit for all my bad decision-making here.
I prayed (out loud) for a man that would meet all this criteria and one month later met my husband. He met all the criteria of my prayer so no matter what bad things happened, I thought God had this purposed for me. I mean like a checklist of 10-20 items all checked off. I was vedy devout in my faith. But, now looking back I feel like maybe it wasn’t God who answered my prayer. Maybe this was like a time in the book of Job where God let Satan attack Job and take everything away from him. I don’t know. Oddly enough, the man that became my husband said he prayed for this, too, one month prior.
He love-bombed me. He devalued me. Later, he threatened to leave me (but never has). While we were dating, when I was pregnant, when we were engaged. He called escorts behind my back. I find out he had sexual relations with a woman in his apartment complex one week before we started dating - he told me three years into our marriage. Before we dated, he also had a two year affair with a married woman (whose husband to this day has no idea about it.) He was meeting her and texting her behind my back 2 weeks into us being officially dating exclusively. I find out because he got arrested and I went to pick up his things on his person at the jail. I guess his passcode in one try and there I see the truth. He lied about this woman - he said she was a best friend with no I love yous and no sexual relations. He even asked me if it was okay to be friends with her and I asked him those two questions. He lied and the proof was right there. We were fairly new so I didn’t read too many texts. I spent one hour on his phone at most and handling a panic attack in between.
I read where he texted escorts, too, and read two other relationships he had while seeing this married woman. My mind was blown. I was done. I screenshoted some evidence for my personal keepsake. I texted the married woman because their I love you was so recent. I told her what happened and said to go get him out of jail because I was done. She blew up my phone with texts. She wanted to know who I was and she wanted to share all the creepy details about this man. She claimed they only had sex twice and it was rape - bullshit. She also said a lot of other things like she knew when he bought me a coffee and knew when he went to the city to meet his friends. She said he said that they could still have sex while he was seeing me. He denied it and said it was the other way around.
When he got out of jail, he contacted me and sent me a video. She texted me to show me he sent her a video, too. Same shirt, same scenery and all filmed back after back. He told her how much he cared about her but he was letting her go. He came to meet me because I took his dog to care after her while he was in jail. He talked me into giving him one more chance. I moved into his apartment to get away from a situation at home. I fell for him hard and believed I was in love. We texted and talked all the time and when we were able, we were together. I went on a trip for a week withoht him to California. I got back and the sheets were washed. He said he did that for me so I can come home to clean sheets. Later over the course of our relationship I noticed he never much stepped up to do the laundry. A lot of chores started falling on me. Before even being married he expected me to coean his whole apartment which seemed to have never been touched once with any cleaning.
We were fighting a lot and I saw some of his anger but I thought he was just frustrated with things he was dealing with in his life. He got sort of pushy with me having intercourse with him at times I told him I didn’t want to because I wanted to wait. That made him angry. I find out that he had been FaceTiming escorts from the first weeks we started dating and found at least one call every month up to the week we were suppose to get married. I was shocked! I had no idea and I couldn’t believe it. We had intercourse so much that he wouldn’t need that so I thought. He said it was like porn to him and he had that habit from before he met me. Keep in mind, I’m religious so I was abstinent most of my life and these red flags weren’t so obvious to me. I thought most men were dogs like this. The biggest factor that blew my mind (of which he explained away) was that these escorts weren’t typical - they were transgender women and some still had their boy parts. After talking with someone who I thought was like a mom to me(I find oht later she wasn’t for me), I went through with the wedding, and besides, I was having his baby.
We moved states. I noticed a lot of verbal abuse starting from typically the night time as we shared a bed. He would cuss at me a lot and get so angry. It was almost every night. I was surprised - thinking who is this guy. He made me cry a lot. It was so stupid, I got screamed at just for rolling over in my sleep. He explained this away later after the problem got better. I began feeling like I made a mistake in marrying him. I was so scared at the same time because this was my first pregnancy. I feared so much about the “what ifs” and what world this baby was coming into.
The abuse got worse. It got physcial from time-to-time. He says I was abusive back but I feel like it was reactive abuse because it became too much for me. I would hit him back. It ate at my mind every day and I had all these hormones because I was going to have a baby soon. When pregnant, he has pushed me, held me down, jumped on me with his hands around my neck. He said things that were horrible like he would walk away from this son like he did his first son (he had a son from an earlier relationship which he had nothing to do with). Fear overcame me and some days I thought ending my life was the only way to escape my life and prevent a nightmare for my son. (These feelings relented later in time.)
One time he held up furniture above his head and he was ready to throw it at my head - I believe this was right after our son was born. We argued a lot because my mistrust in him because what I mentioned I discovered earlier. I wanted him to assure me he was trustworthy so sometimes I asked for his phone. Doing that resulted many times in violence and rage. When he had that furniture held up, I felt like he was going to end me right then and there. He stopped himself and I asked him why. He said because he saw the fear in my eyes.
We fought and made up A LOT. That was our relationship and me asking him where he has been or was he with someone. It was terrible for both of us. I discover later that he lied about a lot of things. I didn’t even know he didn’t have a drivers license until about 1-2 years into our marriage. I didn’t know the pictures of his boy parts I found once while dating were to the escorts. I asked him approximately a thousand times. He doesn’t just lie - he tells a story with details and the whole thing is a lie.
I use to check his phone and browser history because it was never ending place of discovery. I never got confessions out of him but I did get evidence that he thought he hid. He must have gotten better at hiding things because I would find less and less. I got to a point where I don’t check anymore - I know and it’s a damn headache to live like that. All the time he did these things, he swore his love for me. He said I was everything.
I discovered again a lie the first time he went to Miami last year (his first time away from me.) He took advantage and called at least ten eacorts and almost met up with one (or did. I don’t know. There’s no money spent but he lied and said the last escort called was his co-worker. I may never know what happened but his coworkers got weird around me after that trip. They won’t look me in the eye.) I didn’t know all this until December last year where I asked him for his T-Mobile password. He didn’t think I would find this when giving me the password.
I saw a text after that trip and found out he lied. He was awake at 2:00PM after he told me he went to bed on the phone. He told me how he missed me SOOO much. He said he tried putting his arm around me in bed to realize I was not there. We FOUGHT over the phone. He didn’t want me to see the rest of the texts between him and his coworker. He left bruises on my arms pushing and shoving me with all his strength. He overpowered me and I never saw the messages. He said he was hiding the fact ge did cocaine. I lost control because I pulled a knife out at him. Not to hurt him but to intimidate him. (I never lost it like this again -he ALWAYS uses this against me to say I’m the abusive one.)
December he admitted the elaborate cocaine story he gave me was a LIE. He said he did do cocaine but not how he told me. The real thing he was hiding was the escorts. At that time, I find out he kissed a coworker (maybe more but nobody will tell me anything.) Another girl told me he was always flirting with new hires. After I find this out from these girls, he put two holes in the walls and broke the doors at the apartment that was in my name. He also bought me $200 roses and a new marriage ring fo Christmas along with other nice gifts. He even goes to therapy to get better at his lying problem (which he only did for about 3 sessions.) He swore this was the last time I would EVER have this happen to me. He swore he loved me and our family. My second baby was born February after ALL of that.
November, my mom died and left me money. I find all that out after I put money on a house for us - Our first house. I made sure we were good. I made sure my baby had everything he could need. I didn’t even buy myself a new car (backstory I lost my good credit, my 2020 car and had one eviction in this marriage. I was almost $30,000 in debt after all of that. My husband made his bad credit good and how we got the house, too. He still has his car and no evictions on his name. We paid over $5,000 for his traffic tickets and court fees plus his debts.)
I could have left then but I was vulnerable because I was having another baby in two months.I feared all the time because I couldn’t get a job or keep one being pregnant and I worried about having one after because I wouldn’t make enough with him and me working would put us at a negative income. I tried building this website but I have yet to get sales. I knew I needed to get out but one last things I feared was breaking up my marriage. I thought he could get better for all his problems.
His anger reared its head again this past month. I found a book titled “Why did he do that.” My husband fits a lot of those examples of abusers. The book said the nice guy is the mask.
This time when he got angry, he said it was my fault he cheated on me. He said it’s a woman’s fault if a man cheats. He said that women need to keep a man happy. He said he had depression caused by me which he never mentioned before. He always said I made him happier than he ever has been in his life. I didn’t know about the cheating just like I didn’t know about the cause. He endlessly lied to me.
I went to his work and asked his boss about the girl he kissed. He is still lying. He said he told his boss what happened. His boss said they both said nothing when they came in for questioning. My husband got the word out and it turned into drama when those girls texted me.
My husband is two people. Dr. Jekell and Mr. Hyde. I just learned recently he has been reading my journals on my phone and texts between my sister. He read my reddit posts. He lied about this and kept it to himself. I feel like he may have planned trapping me in my marriage so I would have nothing. I feel like he is stalking me, too. I have 30K left locked up in a CD - he wants that when its available to pay off the credit cards in his name. We both spend on those cards for food and needs. I want to keep it as my nest just in case. He scares me sometimes. I feel like he may charm a judge when we fight for custody if I leave. I’m scared he will bring up the knife incident and the baker act (I was bakeracted last year when 5 months pregnant- he said he would cut me off financially and have me and our unborn baby fend for ourselves. I panicked and he was being a monster. I said he was hurting me and he said he didn’t care.) I told a cop I wanted to hurt myself but I wasn’t suicidal - I just feared my husband and wanted to get away from him. It was impulsive and I regretted saying it immediately. He was messing with my mind - he fake called the cops. Never dialed but acted out a conversation. I called right after.
I fear him. He is looking like a pscychopath to me or narcist - he pal ed his whole marriage and family around abuse and lies. He admitted to lying to keep me from leaving him on a few occassions. He would act like a little innocent and hurt boy. I could never see the abuser when he switched.
Would you be scared, too? Am I overthinking his lies and abuse? Do I need to get away now? I feel like no matter what I will never be free from him. My husband has once told me nobody will believe me. Everyone thinks I’m crazy - he said this right after convincing the cops that. (Time where he bent the truth to make it funny - the cops were sold.)

I (22f) have been working in a pharmacy for over a year now. My coworker (28M) works over the counter while I'm behind the counter so there's not too much interaction, plus he's part time while in school so we only really see eachother once a week.
At first I just wanted to be friends since he's a super nice guy and didn't want to get tangled in the coworker relationship mess. But I started to become really interested in him recently and would love to get to know him more.
I definitely would love to get to know him more but since we don't work together it's mostly a few smaller conversations any chance we get. I just have a hard time getting past the talking at work to the talking/hanging out after work. Few reasons why I think he likes me back. He comes up to me a lot, face gets red while talking to me, always parks beside me, I catch him looking at me from across the room, he usually focuses on me if we're having a group conversation, etc
How could I try to start texting him off work, meet up with him, etc? I'll be honest I'm horrible at being the one who's forward and just ask so is there a way I could set up a way for him to ask me? This Sunday we're having a work dinner so I'm hoping I could sit beside him to get to talk to him more and see if he wants to get coffee or go for a walk later.
This job is temporary for both of us since we're both looking for other jobs so it'll kinda avoid a coworker relationship drama but I also wouldn't want it to be awkward if he rejected me

To all my explorers reading this, I just want to say a heartfelt ✨Thank you✨ for making this sub come alive with your beautiful submissions from all across the world, whether from your own city, a country or place that you have traveled to, or someplace you currently call home for as long as you might need to.
When I started this subreddit almost 10 months ago, I never thought it would manifest into something so rich, colorful and vibrant. I have no one but all of you to thank for this shared experience. Each time I come here, these stunning images and scenic views make my heart so full. It’s amazing to see how something that did not exist before, can gradually mold and blossom into something so visceral over a short period of time.
I can never fully express how happy and excited I get each time someone shares a brief moment of their travels, their time and their life with ExplorersFromPakistan.
However, I would really, really appreciate it even more if you could add a very brief context, background or even a one liner description with your submissions just to give it more of a deeper feel. It could be as simple as a caption (in the body as text) —
✨Getting coffee in Florence, Italy
🔥 having dinner with the boys in Skardu, Pakistan.
I promise it’s the smallest things that make it more meaningful, not to mention it becomes a great conversation starter, and we might even make some fantastic friends on here. Please consider this a request at most. I would still cherish your participation regardless of whether you choose to caption it or not.
I can’t wait for us to manifest our first trip together with ExplorersFromPakistan with whoever is able to join us (more details on that in the coming future in Shaa Allah)
I hope you never stop growing, never stop being curious for new sights, sounds and experiences. I hope you never ever stop exploring.
Sending love to each and everyone reading 🤍
Talk soon.
Yours always,
u/ExplorerFromPak
💌

TL:DR
Some parts of the text was in Reddit-tables, but they got somehow lost.
This project began when someone on Reddit asked about the export speed of Rekordbox 7 compared to Rekordbox 6, prompting the entire initiative. My intention is not to "blame" or "shame" any company or its products. I approached these tests with an unbiased, open mind, taking great care to provide a level playing field for all tests conducted. This report reflects my impartial findings.
Test DateMay 16th - May 20th 2024 Report ReleaseMay 21st 2024 AuthorMixMasterG CompanyAnd The Groove Remains Production Team Websitewww.ATGR.nl
Publication of (sections) of this report is allowed, with full data source statement included.
Introduction:
Welcome to the real world Rekordbox 6/7 speed comparison test on macOS 2024.
When I began these tests, my initial goal was to quickly compare the speed difference between Rekordbox 6 and Rekordbox 7 on an Apple ARM computer for tasks that are notoriously slow, such as opening, exporting to USB, and analysis. I used my personal, extensive track collection for these tests. Due to unexpected results, I expanded the test to include several other macOS computers. As a reference, I decided to include Algoriddim djay Pro 5, the most optimized DJ software for macOS, and Serato, the second most popular DJ software on macOS.
Mandatory Rekordbox 7 analysis when exporting to USB
When I initiated the tests, the measured export times from Rekordbox 7 to USB were unreasonably long. Similar reports poured in from users of my applications in various settings. Identifying the cause of this sluggishness swiftly became my top priority. It turned out that Rekordbox 7's export process necessitated the analysis of tracks by RB7, even if those tracks were already fully analyzed in Rekordbox 6.8.5. When an artist updates from Rekordbox 6 to Rekordbox 7, RB7 silently analyzes the tracks before exporting, leading to excessively prolonged export times. Fortunately, RB7 analysis is a one-time requirement per track and can be manually initiated at times that its more convenient then minutes before a gig. I issued this short YouTube video to make users aware: Slow USB export from Rekordbox 7? This is why and how to fix!
I gave the full explanation and interpretation of the test results, together with performance tips in my weekly Ask Me Anything live stream for DJs, the video can be watched back here Ask Me Anything for DJs - Results of the Rekordbox 6 Vs Rekordbox 7 real world speed-test There is a time index in the first remark under the video.
All previous AMA livestreams, are available in this YouTube playlist: Ask Me Anything conversion & collection management for DJs past streams
The Test parameters:
Main collection managerMusic (the app formerly known as iTunes, will be referred to as iTunes) Total number of tracks in collection116.747 / 1.47 Tb Audio file formatMP3 preferred - 320 Kbs / 44.1 kHz / 16bit/CBR Location of audio filesexternal SSD, Samsung T7 2Tb / formatted macOS Extended Export driveexternal SSD, Samsung T7 2Tb each test run (FAT32 and HFS) started with a fresh formatted export drive Drive's connection to computeron all test systems USB-C
The software used:
Music (=iTunes)1.2.5 RB6Rekordbox 6.8.5 RB7Rekordbox 7.0 SeratoSerato 3.1.3 djaydjay Pro 5.1.7
Computer specifications
M1 = MacMini (2020) - M1 8 cores (4 efficiency 4 performance) - GPU 8 cores - RAM 8Gb - macOS Sonoma 14.4.1
i9 = Intel MacPro - i9 9900K u/3.6Ghz 8 cores - GPU AMD RX 580 8 Gb - RAM 16Gb - macOS Monterey 12.7.5
MBP = MacBookPro 14" (2021) - M1 8 cores (2 efficiency 6 performance) - GPU 14 cores - RAM 16Gb - macOS Monterey 12.7.1 because the similarity in times for Rekordbox 7.0 on the M1 and MBP, the Rekordbox 6.8.5 tests were skipped on the MBP.
Note: for the tasks that were tested, none of the DJ softwares utilizes the GPU
Test conditions
I aimed to standardize all test conditions as much as possible, including:

• Data for collection was stored on the internal drive, the audio files were stored on external storage.
• Each test used the exact same external drives, connected to the computer over USB-C, using the same cables.
• All collection data was identical across all systems, synchronized using Carbon Copy Cloner before the test.
• All computers were freshly rebooted prior to the test, with the "open windows from previous session" option disabled.
• No other applications were open besides an on-screen stopwatch.
• Wi-Fi was disabled, and network cables were disconnected.
• No screen capture applications were used; all video recording was done externally to avoid occupying system resources from the test.
• Between the various exports in a single test run, the export drive was not formatted (so each of the 3 exports added to the previous). Only after a full export run (sync1, sync2 and sync3) on a given computer, the drive was reformatted.
• The partitioning scheme used in both FAT32 and HFS (=macOS Extended journaled) was Master Boot Record.
• Analysis in Rekordbox was only performed for "Phrase" to maintain the converted Mixed in Key/Traktor values. Analysis requires at least one option to be checked, all other options (BPM/Grid, key etc) were disabled.
• In Serato DJ Pro analysis for BPM and Key were disabled
• In Rekordbox, the Sync Manager was enabled to synchronize all playlists from iTunes, ensuring the sync was up-to-date with no changes made to the iTunes collection during the test.
• All test playlists originate from iTunes and were accessed through the iTunes section of the DJ software.
• All (116.747) tracks from iTunes had been pre-analyzed in: Rekordbox 6, Serato, and djay Pro 5. In other words, the DJ software had a real and big collection of tracks. Since djay Pro 5 does not re-analyze already analyzed audio files, all djay analysis data was deleted from the system before running the analysis tests.
• Because iTunes sync can not be disabled in djay Pro, the values used for startup without iTunes are the same values from the test run with iTunes sync enabled.

Fault tolerance:
During computer speed testing, achieving 100% identical situations is unfeasible due to the unpredictable consumption of system resources by various OS-related operations. I estimate the fault tolerance in the measured times to be around 5%.
The iTunes playlist(folder) used for the tests:
Sync1
Playlist folderATGR Necessities Number of playlists in folder24 Total number of tracks 3823 / 45,93 Gb Export to USBSyncManager
Sync2
Flat playlist Top 40 2023 Total number of tracks 587 / 4,46 Gb Export to USBRight click playlist -> export
Sync3
Flat playlistTop 40 2024 Total number of tracks 283 / 2,17 Gb Export to USBRight click playlist -> export
https://preview.redd.it/hmajmvglru1d1.png?width=1497&format=png&auto=webp&s=108356518b3998c94ec848f07a78b545425b5d7f
https://preview.redd.it/eo3gvokqru1d1.png?width=1400&format=png&auto=webp&s=4487f3193d07c5e98ff8a796cc56fc303042e58d
https://preview.redd.it/qzzzy78sru1d1.png?width=1400&format=png&auto=webp&s=deffef82a834e3ad3ef13aa2a59bd705316a6ef1
https://preview.redd.it/hqed25ntru1d1.png?width=1400&format=png&auto=webp&s=2fb3c7ba5283722e569a207d2faa242b3aa32e26
https://preview.redd.it/7ubiz7iuru1d1.png?width=1400&format=png&auto=webp&s=2f2cb345cf718b30cd473cca3b9c1d8a33c714e1
https://preview.redd.it/zu5yiajvru1d1.png?width=1400&format=png&auto=webp&s=df06eed0e2d8cea446469ed498cf32c341f064c7
https://preview.redd.it/mq1chq9wru1d1.png?width=1400&format=png&auto=webp&s=cfa752e197d88b63bd6fbea2ff95f9b9b552cabc
https://preview.redd.it/7eu2rl1xru1d1.png?width=1400&format=png&auto=webp&s=863ce32b59be277fbc4a6d32b4b4cf90f8417213
Important conclusions and findings from these tests:

• Rekordbox 7 on macOS is not multithreading when it comes to analysis, hence the spikes in the tests. On Windows Rekordbox 7 utilizes all available CPU cores. Rekordbox 6.8.5 is also multithreading.
• Export to an HFS formatted USB is faster than a FAT32 formatted, especially after consecutive exports.
• Disabling iTunes integration in the SyncManager can improve startup times of Rekordbox considerably. Disabling iTunes sync can cause issues with exported USBs that were originally created using the SyncManager.
• Rekordbox 7 has a bug, where custom/edited BPM/Grids can be overwritten with mandatory analysis. Even when the BPM/Grid analysis is disabled!
• Export to USB using the SyncManager still shows 2 progress bars, where export through right click -> export only shows 1

(c) 2024 And The Groove Remains Production Team

I (F23) am currently doing long distance with my bf (M23), he has moved to another city for work and the place he is renting is yet to put in wifi so we havent been able to do video calls for the past 6 months. Which is something i am okay with. He only texts me. Whenever we get into an argument he never wants to call because he says he hates confrontation but will be okay arguing over texts. He has now been visitng his parents where there is wifi, so i asked if we could video call but just to be im each others presence while im studying, we didnt need to be interacting just keeping each other company. And he told me no he is not comfortable with that because he doesnt get privacy in his parents house, he says that they have an issue everytime he calls with people in the past about what the calls about , or the fact that they can hear the conversation, and apparently phone calls have caused issues with his mom (what kind of issues i dont know) and it needed his dad covering up for him and causing more confrontation, and that is why he wont have a video call with me. I explained to him that we dont even need to be talking to each other, we can even mute each other , uts just about being in each others presence and well its not good enough for him to do i guess. Am i the asshole for getting mad at this and causing an argument over it? Or am i being dramatic ?
TL&DR, my boyfriend and i have an argument about him not wanting to call or facetime me due to him feeling uncomfortable in his home as his parents dont give him privacy.

After a while of liking a guy I decided to text him one day (I had suspected that he may like me back as Id catch him staring at me a lot). The conversations were good, he knew things about me that I didn't tell him about so I assumed he had some interest. He invited me to his house after a few days of talking, which I declined, but we didn't meet up anywhere else.
In school we didn't talk bc we're both shy, so we didnt speak for almost 3 weeks, but one day I decided to finally approach him and ask if he was still interested, he said yes, but he seemed to ignore me for the rest of the week (if he was close to me he would go so quiet and kinda tense). So during the weekend I asked if he really was interested, he told me to just text him, but he was busy so I told him to text me when he was available, which he didn't... (it's been almost a month).
He started being weird after that, I'd catch him looking at me and then he'd quickly look away, up close he couldnt even make eye contact, which kinda pushed me away and made me reluctant to talk to him. I didnt get the chance to speak to him bc during that time I wouldn't see him much, and we both had exams.
It's been over a month since I asked if he still wanted to talk, and we haven't spoken. I would've spoken to him if he hadn't been acting weird. But now the only reason why I'm still thinking about him is he's still looking at me from afar, sort of longingly looking at me. Now when I catch him he doesn't look away.
Another issue is there's this girl he's been getting close with lately, they flirt a lot and they're close a lot, but even when he's with her he's glancing at me, plus I've heard she has a boyfriend?? I dont know... it's weird... Also I remember one time he was flirting with her, but he was still looking at me.
Basically, I've been told he's shy, its been a month since we spoke, but this whole thing is confusing to me. Ive asked my family and friends and none of them understand him. I don't want to ask him AGAIN if he's interested especially since its been a month, I would've left this situation if he hadn't been looking at me so much.
So is he shy or not interested? Should I talk to him or or just forget about it?