Ways to abuse op 80 smoke

Hi I am new here. F 25 . Looking for help. Today I got my diagnosis from a clinical office. I have bipolar disorder 1. I am very new to this. They are prescribing me Lexapro 10 MG & Abilify 5MG. To give a background quick topic I have PTSD, depression, and anxiety. I was sexually molested as a child growing up, grew up in an abusive home, and whole lot of shit. I recently went through a break up (Jan, 2024. She broke up with me) and my ex had BPD. I also have fear of abandonment and I tend to have episodes whenever I am in high stress or depressed. I tend to get way more depressed and I have a hard time to open or communicate with my feelings when I feel like my feelings don’t matter. I tend to bottle up a lot of my emotions to the point I will have an episode or suicidal thoughts/ attempts would happen. I also have trouble with believe the good positive comments that are towards to me and I feel like it’s a lie. Example “I love you” or “you are doing a great job at work!” And my brain won’t accept that, not sure why.I have been with my therapist for 4 years and she recommended me with medications, so she referred me to the clinical crisis office. At first the office said I much have signs of BPD(I also had an ex who have BPD , it’s interesting lol) but now it’s Bipolar Disorder 1. So I am afraid of taking the medications, can someone tell me the two medications I will be taking have side effects? Is it bad or does it help? I need some advice where do I go from here and how can I get better?

Just found out my girlfriend (F 35) cheated on me (M 31).
As the title says. It's way to painful at the moment to get into details. I got out of a 5 year marriage, full of abuse, and after 7 months of being alone got into a relationship. Tonight I found out that she is in a hotel room with some random dude. I found out because I offered myself to come and pick her up from her place, she panicked and confessed.
I don't really need advice, just someone to talk to, please.
TL;DR: My girlfriend cheated on me and I just need someone to talk to, please.

I AM NOT OOP. OOP IS u/BabyBaconBits
Originally posted on relationships
Content warning: blood
1 update - medium-ish
Original Post (recovered with rareddit) - June 4th, 2024
Update - June 6th, 2024
My husband keeps telling other people about my periods
I (31F) am married to my wonderful husband (35M). We have also recently become first-time parents to our beautiful baby.
My husband is pretty much perfect in every single way...except for one, recurrent issue. He keeps telling other people very sensitive information about my gynecological health. Examples of this include: - Telling his mother details about my menstrual cycle - Telling his male boss when I was diagnosed with uterine fibroids - Specifying exactly what kind of doctor's appointment we are going to (IUD insertion) when asking his mother to babysit for us
I have told him that him sharing this kind of sensitive information about what is going on in my pants bothers me, and he has apologized every time. This morning though, he did it AGAIN.
I had a very severe first postpartum period last night, so bad that the health line nurse recommended we call 911. It was so bad, I was almost fainting from blood loss. I refused to go to the hospital, but my husband took the day off work to stay home and look after me and the baby today. I am still feeling weak and dizzy today, so I appreciated this.
HOWEVER, this morning over breakfast, my husband mentioned that he had explained why he wasn't at work to a male coworker over text. As in, he had described exactly what was going on with me, my fibroid issue, the bleeding, everything. Bear in mind that I have never even met this male coworker, and certainly wouldn't have shared this kind of information with him of my own volition.
I got upset, my husband apologized, familiar scenario yet again. I get it, he feels good commiserating about my admittedly very stressful and difficult to manage 'lady problems' with his married coworkers and his mom. It helps him cope, especially after a night spent trying to decide whether I need to be rushed to the emergency room. Still, I AM NOT COMFORTABLE with strangers (or his mother!) knowing the details of what's currently happening in my poor, malfunctioning uterus.
So, am I justified in getting increasingly more irritated and upset with my husband every time I find out that's he's been discussing my gyno issues with other people, even though he says it helps him decompress/explain absences from work?
How should I handle this situation?
Tldr: My husband keeps telling people details about my period problems. Am I justified in being upset, even when he's supporting me through these issues?
Edit: My husband is not autistic, nor does he have ADHD. Normally he is quite good about not sharing something once I tell him the subject is off-limits. For some reason, he just doesn't seem to be able to get on board with the idea that anyone should find this kind of information embarrassing or invasive.
Relevant Comments
[Comments are quite varied. Many are very harsh about husband, some mention reddit classic of divorce. A number of commenters helpfully advise OOP to start telling everyone that her husband has ED, diarrhea, shits his pants, etc. ]
OOP has a conversation thread with MadameWaste
Jesus, these comments. If he needs to talk to someone so badly HE should see a therapist.
Your medical information is literally that, yours. It's a breach of trust to talk about it without your permission.
If this was a post about a wife constantly talking to her female coworker and father about her husband's quick ejaculation or impotence, I'm sure people would be defending him. Father-in-law casually bringing up his medical issues, "Hey champ, heard you're having a little problem downstairs. Don't worry, my plumbing ain't what it used to be." Yeah, I'm sure that seems totally okay.
That is EXACTLY what this feels like! 😂😅🥲 My MIL has literally tried to bring up the volume of my period flow and make recommendations regarding it, after my husband over-shared with her. To say this made me uncomfortable is the understatement of the year. And the thought of his male coworkers knowing similar details makes me want to crawl into a hole and grow moss. 😶‍🌫️
I would never be able to go to a work event if my husband told his coworkers about my vagina in any way, and I'm not a very prudish person at all. I just feel like your personal health issues are your own unless YOU choose to disclose them. That's literally why HIPAA* laws exist in the first place.
That's what I told my husband this morning; that I am officially never going to any of his work events, if this information about my gynecological health has been shared around his office. He seemed startled, but also kind of like it was starting to click just how unhappy I was that his coworkers are privy to my personal info.
I totally get it, I would feel prejudged and so exposed. Like a specimen on a table. In a room full of strangers who know intimate details about my genitals. That's some horror movie shit, honestly lol.
YES. THIS. EXACTLY THIS!!! jumping and waving and pointing at this comment THIS IS EXACTLY HOW I FEEL, and I just wish there was some way for my husband to vent and process his feelings without spilling the scariest and most vulnerable moments of my intimate health to total strangers/my lacking-in-boundaries MIL. 😵‍💫
Update - 2 days later
Okay. Wow. My original post devolved into a mess of...something.
So first of all, a few extra things to clarify:

• Yes, I understand that refusing medical advice to go to the hospital carries risks. Where we live though, unless you are literally on Death's doorstep, you will wait 12+ hours in an ER to be triaged. Sitting in a growing pool of my own blood, with our baby, in a crowded waiting room, did not sound like a helpful place to be. Especially since I already know what's wrong with me (I'm 3 months postpartum with large, symptomatic uterine fibroids) and no, I am not open to the possibility of a hysterectomy at this time. I want more kids.
• No, my husband is not autistic, narcissistic, or in any other way developmentally or emotionally limited. Neither is he abusive. Jeezus, people, now I'm offended FOR my husband.
• No, my own family does not live nearby. During the fallout of my traumatic labour and emergency C-section, my MIL and FIL were literally the only family support that we had on-scene. My MIL definitely has a habit of being a chronic over-sharer with much fewer personal boundaries than me, but she 100% means well. Even though it makes me a little embarrassed when she does things like send over various herbs and teas with FIL, along with detailed instructions on how to use them for 'menstrual problems', I also get that she's doing it from a place of caring.
• Yes, husband and MIL are chronically up to their eyeballs in each other's lives. Always have been, always will be. He is an only child, and she was a single teenage mother when he was born. Plus mothers being super involved in their adult children's lives is a bit cultural for them. Do I sometimes wish he would share less about our married life with her? Heck yeah! Is that a hill that I can/will die on? Nope. I knew this about my husband when I married him.

So...
The suggestions on my original post ranged from helpful (clarify boundaries, seek support, see the issue from both perspectives) to, frankly, toxic and abusive (spread his personal medical information around publically, berate him, insult him, leave him in the dark about my health status, and my personal favourite, threaten to leave him).
Y'all, this man literally does everything and more for me. He held me through serious prenatal/postpartum depression, drove me back and forth across the city to seek help for my issues, sits up with me at midnight on the bathroom floor to ensure that my bleeding eventually stops during an episode, stays home with me when I'm anemic to watch over both me and our baby, changes diapers, cooks me food, lets me dictate the pace of our postpartum sex life, checks that I'm taking my meds, does all the heavy-lifting housework, tells me he loves me, reassures me, comforts me...
Does this give him a free pass to discuss my gynecological issues in public? No.
So, he and I sat down yesterday and established clear rules. He officially has my permission to discuss my Lady Problems with the one other lady of importance in his life...his mom. It helps him process after a scary episode (he admitted to crying out of fear for my safety after I finally fell asleep following the latest bloodbath), and his mom is our biggest support.
As for work, he is to say that "My wife is struggling with postpartum medical issues." No less, no more. If his boss needs further info, we will have my midwife draw up a doctor's note. My husband agreed to this, apologized, we kissed and made up. I also promised to remember to take my iron pills. Because anemia.
As for me, I learned a valuable less here. Be careful soliciting advice from the internet, because everyone will bring their own baggage to the issue. It's a little concerning how quickly so many people will figuratively advocate for flogging a loving husband in the public square, just because he's not handling a single issue perfectly. 💔
Thank you to everyone who gave constructive, thoughtful advice.
tldr: My husband and I talked, clearly established boundaries, kissed and made up. Reddit is nuts.
Relevant Comments
grumpy__g
Didn’t you mention that you did all of that before? And that he again and again ignored your wishes?
While I had grumbled and expressed that I didn't like other people knowing about my gyno issues, I hadn't actually laid down clear Yes/No boundaries and established a script that my husband could use.
Now my husband knows exactly who he can and cannot discuss my issues with, and what to say to people whom he cannot elaborate with.
Good. Let’s hope he understands this time.
I stand with my advice to not tell him anything till he learns. But also to tell him that you would do the same to him and to see how he reacts/would like it. Not that you really should tell people about his problems.
cartoonist62
I'm glad you've found a solution you are happy with. But please, talk to your doctor about iron infusions. Supplements are fine for normal anemia, not for people with chronic bleeding conditions like this!
Thanks for the reminder! I actually did get a series of IV iron infusions in the final weeks of my pregnancy, because my anemic fainting was to the point where my husband couldn't leave me unsupervised. 😱 Might be time to go in for another infusion...
Some commenters feel called out and have some thoughts about that
Redditor A
You also this audaciously rude in person, or do you keep your “oh my you broken people” schtick to Reddit? Those people were outraged on your behalf, god forbid.
Just say thank you for the free advice you got from the internets that solved the issue you couldn’t on your own, OP.
Redditor B
This post is so weird. I’m sorry you found it so upsetting that people were upset and worried for you. They came to that conclusion based on your own description of your husband’s completely inappropriate behavior. But you’re right, everybody else is the problem, not you, not your husband who talks about your vagina to his boss. That’s totally normal, respectful husband behavior!
Redditor C
Wow. The way you viciously attack and judge well-meaning strangers on this platform is appalling. Ok, Karen. We get it. Your clueless husband is not abusive and in fact he's a downright saint 😵‍💫.
Marked concluded per OOP.
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I 16M, and my brother 15M live with my father 37M and it is a living hell. My brother and I are in a group chat with our mother who was kicked out of our property thanks to my father with their ongoing divorce. Their divorce started basically because of my father's binge drinking and he would begin to lash out at my mom and just act useless and be deplorable. The sad thing is, is he thinks he can spend money to buy me and my brother's love (Fortnite cards, video games, etc). He even pretends to be sugar sweet when in reality he sends my mom horrible messages basically demeaning her as a human being. He always needs to be in control, like with money, clothes you wear (if they're dirty or not), and what you do in your day to day life. As I'm writing this he invited people to this "cookout" with relatives from his side we resent, (uncle, aunt, cousin, and grandma). He also texted me saying "Yeah, I really can't, bud. I have my bosses out here and I need to impress them." when I asked if they could tone things down. He also has a disabled brother with autism who is non-verbal, and cant do anything for himself, (clothing himself, bathing, etc), and he, and my grandma just leaves him in the house whenever he has guests, completely disregarding his needs. Not only that, he gets mileage checks to take him places, but all he's ever at is his home because he doesn't take him anywhere. I barely use Reddit, I've talked to my mom about reporting him to the police for what he's doing to me and my brother emotionally, but I know if I were to do that, I'd be in foster care, and I don't want that at all. He has made Facebook statuses about women he'd like to have sexual intercourse with, while he was married to my mom, and he completely disregarded their marriage together at times. He treats me and my brother like we're toddlers for no reason, even though I'm 16 and he's 15, he hasn't worked a day in his life; when he was married to my mom, he'd usually dump his brother on her, and make her watch him even though it's his job. My mom now lives multiple towns away because of his antics of all of these factors, I have a high reputation in the small town I live in, I played football and basketball for my high school, and pretty much anyone in my town knows my name. Anytime halftime would come around playing football, he'd sneak away to go drink beer. This isn't the NFL, you can't be drinking at a high school football game. I'm thinking of starting over, and moving down to where my mom is at, train for football and basketball, get a part time job to pay for a car and my probationary license, and graduate in a different high school because that's what my father has caused me to think like. I've even had thought's of suicide because of how he treats my family; a year prior to all of this my grandfather died of leukemia, and he puts all of his drinking on that, he claims he's never done it before that, but he's asked me for so many years to fetch him beers. You know the "When son won't fetch me beers" meme? I don't even find it funny because of what feels like trauma hits me. It gets worse, he even said I'd be a good bartender even though I hated dropping everything I'm doing to fetch him beers. Some nights it got so bad, I'd have to give him two at one time. He has also talked behind my mom's back to her parents, and now they won't even talk to her. But enough about my father, let's talk about my "relatives".
First: My grandma. She is just as if not worse than him. She is a narcissist, she does Christmas as bribery for putting up with her narcissism, and if you don't do anything her way, she takes a present away. Not only that, but she hated my mom for many years as well (underpaying her, kept her away from my disabled uncle, etc). She is also very disgusting, she pees and poops in her pants, and doesn't bother to change. She laughs it off, like it's a big game, and sits in it. Her and my father died laughing as I was holding their closet door shut trying not to get scratched by their cat they pick on as well. She condones homophobia, racism, and transphobia, she always thinks you're lying when something needs to get done with her life. She claims to be a Christian, when in reality she cherry-picks The Bible. She also has disowned my transgender cousin who identifies as male, saying how "it's the devil's work on why he's transgender".
Second: My uncle. He is a failure. He has 5 children, 4 of them are with his current wife (my aunt) and they all hate him. He cut off his first born daughter and grandchild, only God knows why, he drinks, he says racist slurs, he pretty much discriminates everybody, and his opinion always needs to be heard, and it's usually about politics. He also disowned my cousin who happens to be transgender, which is makes him a horrible uncle to him
Third: My aunt. She is such a backstabber, she literally can't say anything to your face, she can't discipline her kids, she's a failure of a mother, together, her and her husband (my uncle) go bar hopping to let their kids (my cousins) "raise themselves" and she claims my mom has abused my uncle while taking care of him in place of my father. She, like my uncle, and grandmother, have also disowned my transgender cousin, and misgender him on the daily and dead-name him.
Last but certainly not least: My cousin, (a different cousin). She is a recently graduated high school student and has her whole life ahead of her, but instead rather tries to spy on my mom, and try to "relate" to me and my brother, when there's nothing to relate to only that her parents are divorced as well. Young and impressionable, but decides to throw her life away for alcohol and parties.
So in conclusion, my father's side of the family are hateful, bigoted, and live by their own rules based on their narcissism. They don't care if you're disabled or not, they don't care if you have a different opinion because it's always wrong and they're always right. You can't do anything, wear anything unless it's father approved, and you can't buy anything within a certain budget because he has to control money as well. My grandma has to have Christmas AKA the bribery for her narcissism and is probably worse than my father in terms of bigotry; disowning my transgender cousin, and cherry picks Bible verses on her day to day life.

I (22F) live in an adult group home. I don't have any physical disabilities just some mental problems. I'm tired of the staff treating me like shit and being abusive. Yes I report everything that's happening but no one cares because I don't have any physical brusies or anything. One staff even brought a knife into my room and started screaming at me. I don't feel safe. I'd rather be homeless. I know this may make some people feel a type of way because some did not have the choice, but I can't stand this abuse anymore, my mental health is going to hell and I don't want to end up hurting myself or someone else or stealing the company car to run away. I have 2 cats coming with me and this is not negotiable, they are my family. I have quite a few belongings but I can minimize how much I have. I don't have family or friends, it's just me.
I'm considering stealing the company van and taking the plates off. Or getting a tent and live in the middle of the woods. Or living in a storage unit. I've considered posting an ad for marriage on Craigslist and marrying whoever responds and living with them.
What are my options? How can I be homeless safely? I don't know I might sound naive but I'm scared and I can't do this anymore. I'm scared I'm gonna really hurt someone or myself.

Getting this out there to stop ruminating - hoping for helpful perspectives.
TL;DR My boyfriend has lied a lot about his ex, now says she raped him 6 times. I want to help him but I’m scared he’s lying.
I (29F) have been in a relationship with a guy I deeply love (28M) for a year and some months. I met him (let’s call him Charlie) around six months after a relationship I was in for 6 years ended in a way fitting for a Netflix docuseries, with me realizing I really never knew the man I was engaged to and had lived with for five years. I wasn’t looking for anything serious, but Charlie came along and was really just gentle, and kind. There was no lovebombing, which I would’ve been really sensitive to, just easygoing falling in love. Things definitely moved quickly, but not in any overdramatic sense. I felt at peace for awhile.
I told him from the very beginning that I can’t handle lying. That he doesn’t even have to tell me the truth about anything - just please don’t lie to me. I had been so badly hurt and was trying to heal my ability to trust. And I understand that people lie sometimes without meaning to, to protect others/themselves, I really get it. Out of consideration for both of us, I set that boundary early so that if it was something he couldn’t do, he’d know I’m not the person for him and that’s okay. I just asked for the respect.
And I didn’t uphold my own boundary. That’s on me. I should’ve left at the first lie, but I just had this gut feeling that he really does love me. The lies mainly revolve around his ex (someone he was with for 9 months, around covid). Right after meeting him (2 weeks), he had lunch with her for ‘closure’, as she had just moved back from out of state. I had encouraged him to do this, because he had expressed not being sure if he’s over it. I really liked him, so I said hey, I totally understand, but I don’t want to continue with you if that’s an open door. Go see her, you don’t owe me anything but the respect of a clear decision. He went to have lunch and came right back, saying all the perfect things and grateful that he could now say he was sure.
A few months later, I started to notice inconsistencies about how he spoke of his past. This was really triggering to me, and he knew that. He went from saying she broke his heart when she broke up with him to he knew he never loved her while with her, found her unattractive and easy, and that they never spent time together. He said the entire thing was faked by them, made up to convince their friends and family that they were mature and had their lives together. He told me he was using dating apps the entire time, always to sext and snapchat other girls. He showed me the childishness of their texts, and I noted that he tried to initiate sexting and talked about sex a lot with her. She seemed disinterested, only really engaging for validation. It definitely did not read as intimacy, or like they knew each other at all. Just a lot of middle schoolish plays for attention and detached romance. Weirdly, he also told me that when they would talk about moments they shared, they had actually not even seen each other. The moments hadn’t even happened…he claims they were just cosplaying a relationship, essentially.
Fast forward - he went from saying that girl broke his heart when she broke up with him to that girl raped him multiple times. Now, big disclaimer - the doubt I am about to express is not by any means doubt that men are raped by women. I am a survivor myself, and know that victims and abusers can be any gender, size, sexuality, etc. I also know that the way victims cope can be denial, as well as many other things. But I am really afraid that my boyfriend is lying and accusing an innocent person of rape. He claims they had sex consensually one time and he hated it, and that the rest of the times there was any sexual contact (6 times), she raped him. He said she wasn’t a sexual person, and that it was always very matter-of-fact and business-like. That she didn’t make a sound, just started touching him - according to him, he’d say no and try to push hand away, but she would silently just continue. She would then straddle him, pin him down, and also get a condom on him at the same time? He says all of this was without a sound, just more forceful if he tried to push her off or get up. And this happened six times, according to him. He said each time he froze more and more.
I remember from their texts that she talked about how she feels bad that she never orgasms when they have sex, and assured him that only one guy in her past was able to get her off. And over text, he was always the one bringing up sex - sex they had (that he now says were complete fabrications, though she just played along), sex he wanted to have with her, etc. And she just seemed to put up with it at best, but mostly bored. He was the one who wanted to hang out with her, the main initiator of contact. And after the relationship ended, that was still true. He seemed to idealize her, kept reaching out, etc. She would either ignore him or react when she wanted attention.
Something just feels so off. He ended up retracting that she raped him, then said the retraction was a lie because he could tell I have doubts and just wanted to put my mind to rest because he knows it doesn’t make sense. I don’t know what to believe. I want to help him through this…but what if he’s lying? It seems he is a compulsive liar, and I’m just so scared of being hurt. Does anyone have any experience with any part of this?

I'll just start by saying that I actually do not believe that there are always two sides to a story. I think it's a very dangerous path to go down in situations of abuse, because it opens up opportunity to blame the victim or attempt to pick out moments in the story where someone can say "well, I can see why [the abuser] would feel or say _____" and somehow justify the abuse. But abuse is cumulative, it's often death by a thousand cuts, and victims stay in the cycle because their abusers convince them of that very same idea, that somehow they are entitled to act the way they do because [insert some flimsy exuse that deflects responsibility onto the victim here].
My backstory is my best friend was a covert narc. Shit hit the fan, she discarded me. Looking back, I can see exactly who she is. But we have many mutual friends who all still love her (and maybe still love me too, I don't know, I left the friend group), who wanted to "stay neutral." And while I understand the concept and I think that's a noble, mature stance in most situations, in the case or narcissistic abuse, this is how narcissists are able to keep doing what they do. They bank on other people being willing to stay neutral or give them a free pass. And, as abuse goes, it's very difficult for the victim to explain what happened behind closed doors because of plausible deniability, because emotional abuse is hard to spot or explain, because everything looks perfectly fine on the outside, because sometimes we don't even know what's happening until we are discarded.
I was met with most all of our shared friends saying this same thing to me-- "I don't want to get involved, I want to stay neutral" etc etc. And I was unendingly frustrated by this. I understand they don't see the truth of the narcissist, but I do now, and I needed to leave and get away from these people who don't see what I see so I could heal. And so I left my entire community (oftentimes scapegoats choose to their leave entire family for the same reason!). It's beyond painful to have to leave otherwise well-intentioned people behind because you know what you know about the narcissist, but they haven't seen it yet, and you don't know if they ever will. And when you leave, you open yourself up to the intense vulnerability of criticism and judgement from literally everyone who doesn't understand, and you trailblaze your own path, guided by the truth you have inside you. It's fucking scary, and lonely, and I can't even say I've grieved it all yet. I'm certain that those I left behind have labeled me as childish "she just wanted me to take her side" nonsense, but the truth is that we can only heal from abuse in environments where we can be fully honest about what happened to us, call it by its proper name ABUSE, and be fully believed and championed by the people surrounding us.
I've watched some reels on Instagram of people explaining their situations where they were being blatantly abused, like fully financially abused or physically abused or emotionally abused, or all of the above, and people are literally in the comments saying "there's two sides to every story..."
What the fuck??
Like a person says their spouse of nearly a decade makes $250k a year, but they have access to none of it because they are locked out of bank accounts and have to ask for money when they need it, and they don't even receive enough allowance to cover monthly bills. Blatant financial abuse. But there are people in the comments saying "well she's probably buying expensive handbags and jewelry and that's why she's cut off... there's two sides to every story..."
Another example...A woman is telling her story about how she found out her husband was cheating on her, so she confronted him and he bashed her head into a wall... There's literally people in the comments saying "well there's two sides to every story...she was probably unfaithful first..."
I struggle with this concept so much. Like...YES it's important to consider all the details, and we shouldn't just choose sides willy nilly. But at the same time, when someone is being literally abused and seeking help and support, and then they get hit with "I want to be neutral...there's two sides to every story" it just blows my mind.
Furthermore, oftentimes emotional abuse is so subtle and manipulative that we don't even realize what's happening. Sometimes its our therapist that points out, "hey, it sounds like you're being emotionally abused." Or it's our parent. Or a friend. Or a spouse who calls out an abusive friend. Whatever the case, sometimes noninvolved parties can witness what's happening from an outside view and label what's happening as abuse, and hopefully support the victim to get the hell out of dodge.
And after I was discarded, it took a few months to figure out who this covert narcissist was, but it started to click and I told my friend "that person was abusive...I'm seeing it now for what it was" and she literally said "well, I haven't had time to get to know this person yet." This same "friend" is someone who often wants to look at all sides of the story, and she watched me get bullied and exiled in the name of "staying neutral." So I left that friendship. Because I firmly believed that there wasn't two sides, and she wasn't "neutral," she was complicit.
I don't even know why I'm writing all this. My head spins when I think about this concept. Yes, of course, neutrality is good when we don't know all the details. But what about when someone - the real victim, not the one playing the victim - realizes they are being abused and needs support? And that's the scary part. Sometimes we don't know if we're dealing with the real victim or the one playing the victim, and I guess that's why we should stay neutral until we have all the information.
I am just so wary of this phrase nowadays. It's all a mindfuck.

Getting this out there to stop ruminating - hoping for helpful perspectives.
TL;DR My boyfriend has lied a lot about his ex, now says she raped him 6 times. I want to help him but I’m scared he’s lying.
I (29F) have been in a relationship with a guy I deeply love (28M) for a year and some months. I met him (let’s call him Charlie) around six months after a relationship I was in for 6 years ended in a way fitting for a Netflix docuseries, with me realizing I really never knew the man I was engaged to and had lived with for five years. I wasn’t looking for anything serious, but Charlie came along and was really just gentle, and kind. There was no lovebombing, which I would’ve been really sensitive to, just easygoing falling in love. Things definitely moved quickly, but not in any overdramatic sense. I felt at peace for awhile.
I told him from the very beginning that I can’t handle lying. That he doesn’t even have to tell me the truth about anything - just please don’t lie to me. I had been so badly hurt and was trying to heal my ability to trust. And I understand that people lie sometimes without meaning to, to protect others/themselves, I really get it. Out of consideration for both of us, I set that boundary early so that if it was something he couldn’t do, he’d know I’m not the person for him and that’s okay. I just asked for the respect.
And I didn’t uphold my own boundary. That’s on me. I should’ve left at the first lie, but I just had this gut feeling that he really does love me. The lies mainly revolve around his ex (someone he was with for 9 months, around covid). Right after meeting him (2 weeks), he had lunch with her for ‘closure’, as she had just moved back from out of state. I had encouraged him to do this, because he had expressed not being sure if he’s over it. I really liked him, so I said hey, I totally understand, but I don’t want to continue with you if that’s an open door. Go see her, you don’t owe me anything but the respect of a clear decision. He went to have lunch and came right back, saying all the perfect things and grateful that he could now say he was sure.
A few months later, I started to notice inconsistencies about how he spoke of his past. This was really triggering to me, and he knew that. He went from saying she broke his heart when she broke up with him to he knew he never loved her while with her, found her unattractive and easy, and that they never spent time together. He said the entire thing was faked by them, made up to convince their friends and family that they were mature and had their lives together. He told me he was using dating apps the entire time, always to sext and snapchat other girls. He showed me the childishness of their texts, and I noted that he tried to initiate sexting and talked about sex a lot with her. She seemed disinterested, only really engaging for validation. It definitely did not read as intimacy, or like they knew each other at all. Just a lot of middle schoolish plays for attention and detached romance. Weirdly, he also told me that when they would talk about moments they shared, they had actually not even seen each other. The moments hadn’t even happened…he claims they were just cosplaying a relationship, essentially.
Fast forward - he went from saying that girl broke his heart when she broke up with him to that girl raped him multiple times. Now, big disclaimer - the doubt I am about to express is not by any means doubt that men are raped by women. I am a survivor myself, and know that victims and abusers can be any gender, size, sexuality, etc. I also know that the way victims cope can be denial, as well as many other things. But I am really afraid that my boyfriend is lying and accusing an innocent person of rape. He claims they had sex consensually one time and he hated it, and that the rest of the times there was any sexual contact (6 times), she raped him. He said she wasn’t a sexual person, and that it was always very matter-of-fact and business-like. That she didn’t make a sound, just started touching him - according to him, he’d say no and try to push hand away, but she would silently just continue. She would then straddle him, pin him down, and also get a condom on him at the same time? He says all of this was without a sound, just more forceful if he tried to push her off or get up. And this happened six times, according to him. He said each time he froze more and more.
I remember from their texts that she talked about how she feels bad that she never orgasms when they have sex, and assured him that only one guy in her past was able to get her off. And over text, he was always the one bringing up sex - sex they had (that he now says were complete fabrications, though she just played along), sex he wanted to have with her, etc. And she just seemed to put up with it at best, but mostly bored. He was the one who wanted to hang out with her, the main initiator of contact. And after the relationship ended, that was still true. He seemed to idealize her, kept reaching out, etc. She would either ignore him or react when she wanted attention.
Something just feels so off. He ended up retracting that she raped him, then said the retraction was a lie because he could tell I have doubts and just wanted to put my mind to rest because he knows it doesn’t make sense. I don’t know what to believe. I want to help him through this…but what if he’s lying? It seems he is a compulsive liar, and I’m just so scared of being hurt. Does anyone have any experience with any part of this?

Christianity of the hour is so deceived, perverted and polluted with false teachers from the pit of hell behind the pulpit, TV, radio, internet, and down the street. We see many bad fruits coming out from the churches from pedophiles, adulterous preachers and congregations, sex-crazed porn, sickness, idolators, fornicator, drunks, deceivers, con artists, etc. The list is endless. All the while, we are told we cannot stop sinning. The church is just as bad as the hospital lots of sick and dying people and they can't get a drop of the word of God for the saving and healing of the soul.
We have the other side behind the pulpit and congregation the psychotic and ungodly people who are looking for business contacts, your pocketbook, feeding your belly with food while trying to lure you into their church doctrine and church way of life. And the word of God is nowhere to be heard or found. Christians of the hour do not have a chance of getting saved.
When the church has lots of unbelief, vain deceit, sin, abominations, holidays, parties, perverted Bibles, ungodliness, unrighteousness, idols, camps, buses, Santa Claus gifts, lights and colours, Christmas trees, Easter bunny, easter eggs, Sunday School garbage, mother's day flowers, philosophy, psychology, divorce and remarriage, the doctrine of devils and seducing spirits, lies, misconceptions, wooden crosses, dramas, sports, comedians, celebrations, programs, socials, food and drink, bizarre, sales, youth clubs, dedications, funny prayers such as the sinner prayer etc. all this and no time for the bible just a verse here and winds of doctrines etc. No truth was preached except the preacher's lie of God lives in you and don't worry about a thing.
I have good news for you, I would start to worry as God does not hear the prayers of sinners John 9:31. If a sinner wants to repent and live righteously that is a different story. The church is not interested in giving up their pernicious ways and walking people to the gates of hell. When I was a sinner I did not know any better. It wasn't until one day I heard somebody read the King James bible I got convicted and God got ahold of me. I started to realize I was living the wrong way after rebelling against his words for years reading a perverted bible the NASV I won at Sunday School at my Presbyterian church not knowing anything. It wasn't until somebody started talking to me using a King James bible I got convicted and I started to develop a hunger and thirst for the bible words. The more I started reading my King James bible the more I could see I was not alright like my church said. Then one night, the Holy Ghost walked into my room and I heard a loud scream and a voice spoke and told me, "You are free from what you had. " It sure wasn't a fictional character called God the Holy Ghost that visited me but Jesus Christ the Son of God sent the Holy Ghost to put me on the straight and narrow. God the Son did not visit me another fictional character who never died for my sin or lived a day on the earth more or less has no verses or chapters in the bible. Today I am an ex-sinner saved by grace Romans 6:18, an ex-sinner is a righteous person as the words of Jesus Christ the Son of God are spirit and life John 6:63.
Amen, free from sin 27 years ago and the devil will try to tempt us and use his disciples from the church and from down the road to persuade me to follow his vain deceit to hell fire and brimstone. It pays to sin, it pays to serve the devil your wages or payment is called (death hell fire and brimstone) and not love. Jesus never preaches lies to set you free it is the truth found in his words that sets you free. We have to come out from among the churches that are keeping us in bondage and get into our bible. Most people want to stay to be a wort on a pickle instead of coming out from among them.
As an ex-sinner, I know my bible who Jesus is and who the devil is. All sin is of the devil 1st John 3:8 and all sinners will burn in a lake of fire and brimstone. Jesus told people in John 5:14and John 8:11 to "go and sin no more" Amen, Jesus is not Christmas, he is not easter, he is not this and that the church wants you to believe. Nope, he is every word of the Gospel of Christ the King James Bible. Those bible words clean you up and take sin right out of youJohn 15:3. Every preacher preached the unconditional love of God when I have good news, it is all 100% conditional. No such thing as the unconditional love of God Jesus never preached he loves everybody, ye preached he lives whosoever, the few, he that has ears to hear. God does not live everybody because everybody does not want to come to his love Jesus Christ the Son of God and not the Superstar like the church has him after a Hollywood movie gospel. Jesus was no superstar he was crucified and abandoned on the cross by God his Father as Jesus became sin for us 2nd Cor 5:21.
Amen, being a sinner, is it God's love only to be cast into hell fire after? Being a sinner is it God's life to be sick and remain sick? As a sinner, is it God's love to give you a strong delusion to believe a lie to be damned with? Nope. If God loves everybody why did he make a hell? If God lives everybody why the bible? If God loves everybody why did he send Jesus to the cross? If God loves everybody everybody why did he take me out of my sin? Come out from the church and lose from their doctrines. The sinner's prayer is a diabolical prayer made from the out of hell to deceive and bewitch you out of your salvation. No sinner's prayer in the bible as there is no prayer in the bible that can save anybody, no salvation in a prayer. There is salvation in the words of the Gospel of Christ Romans 1:16 for your soul. Going to church does not make you a child of God. Having your name on the church registry is not having your name in the Lamb's Book of Life. Going to church and listening to the lies misconceptions and out-of-context scriptures of the preacher and following their programs is not being saved.
Time to awake to righteousness and sin not before it is too late. For some, it may be already as there is a fine line drawn between you and Jesus Christ the Son of God. Where that line is or was it is between you and the Holy Ghost? When God has your number you better watch your step. One lie too many or one sin too many may be your last step or your last day on earth. You better start being a friend of Jesus instead of an enemy of God, who knows when God will shut your breath or will give you a reprobate mind to do something that will cause you to go insane or die? God is a killer unless we convert to Christ Jesus the Son of God and his words mankind and churches are under his wrath 1st Thess 1:9-10. It is not to late to either choose life and live or choose death hell fire and brimstone.
John 9:31] Now we know that God heareth not sinners: but if any man be a worshipper of God, and doeth his will, him he heareth.
Isaiah 59:1] Behold, the LORD's hand is not shortened, that it cannot save; neither his ear heavy, that it cannot hear: [2] But your iniquities have separated between you and your God, and your sins have hid his face from you, that he will not hear. [3] For your hands are defiled with blood, and your fingers with iniquity; your lips have spoken lies, your tongue hath muttered perverseness. [4] None calleth for justice, nor any pleadeth for truth: they trust in vanity, and speak lies; they conceive mischief, and bring forth iniquity.
John 5:14] Afterward Jesus findeth him in the temple, and said unto him, Behold, thou art made whole: sin no more, lest a worse thing come unto thee.
Rev 1:4] John to the seven churches which are in Asia: Grace be unto you, and peace, from him which is, and which was, and which is to come; and from the seven Spirits which are before his throne; [5] And from Jesus Christ, who is the faithful witness, and the first begotten of the dead, and the prince of the kings of the earth. Unto him that loved us, and washed us from our sins in his own blood, [6] And hath made us kings and priests unto God and his Father; to him be glory and dominion for ever and ever. Amen.
1st John 3:4] Whosoever committeth sin transgresseth also the law: for sin is the transgression of the law. [5] And ye know that he was manifested to take away our sins; and in him is no sin. [6] Whosoever abideth in him sinneth not: whosoever sinneth hath not seen him, neither known him. [7] Little children, let no man deceive you: he that doeth righteousness is righteous, even as he is righteous. [8] He that committeth sin is of the devil; for the devil sinneth from the beginning. For this purpose the Son of God was manifested, that he might destroy the works of the devil. [9] Whosoever is born of God doth not commit sin; for his seed remaineth in him: and he cannot sin, because he is born of God.
1st Cor 6:9] Know ye not that the unrighteous shall not inherit the kingdom of God? Be not deceived: neither fornicators, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor effeminate, nor abusers of themselves with mankind, [10] Nor thieves, nor covetous, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor extortioners, shall inherit the kingdom of God. [11] And such were some of you: but ye are washed, but ye are sanctified, but ye are justified in the name of the Lord Jesus, and by the Spirit of our God.
1st Cor 15:34] Awake to righteousness, and sin not; for some have not the knowledge of God: I speak this to your shame.
1st Thess 1:10] And to wait for his Son from heaven, whom he raised from the dead, even Jesus, which delivered us from the wrath to come.
Deut 30:19] I call heaven and earth to record this day against you, that I have set before you life and death, blessing and cursing: therefore choose life, that both thou and thy seed may live:
Proverbs 11:31] Behold, the righteous shall be recompensed in the earth: much more the wicked and the sinner.
Ezekiel 18:[4] Behold, all souls are mine; as the soul of the father, so also the soul of the son is mine: the soul that sinneth, it shall die.
Exodus 20:20] And Moses said unto the people, Fear not: for God is come to prove you, and that his fear may be before your faces, that ye sin not.
Romans 6:16] Know ye not, that to whom ye yield yourselves servants to obey, his servants ye are to whom ye obey; whether of sin unto death, or of obedience unto righteousness? [17] But God be thanked, that ye were the servants of sin, but ye have obeyed from the heart that form of doctrine which was delivered you. [18] Being then made free from sin, ye became the servants of righteousness. [19] I speak after the manner of men because of the infirmity of your flesh: for as ye have yielded your members servants to uncleanness and to iniquity unto iniquity; even so now yield your members servants to righteousness unto holiness. [20] For when ye were the servants of sin, ye were free from righteousness. [21] What fruit had ye then in those things whereof ye are now ashamed? for the end of those things is death. [22] But now being made free from sin, and become servants to God, ye have your fruit unto holiness, and the end everlasting life. [23] For the wages of sin is death; but the gift of God is eternal life through Jesus Christ our Lord.

This happened a few weeks ago and I've been struggling to sleep because of it.
I (32M) have been married to my wife (30F) for 4 years. She's the best thing to ever happen to me and I'd never give her up, she met me when I was down in the dumps and considering attempting. But she got me through absolutely everything.
She has a brother (34M) that I've considered my best friend this whole time, he's an amazing guy. He's talked me and my wife through alot of our relationship problems and he's a good third party with relationship problems, but this is the first time I'm not able to go to him when I'm struggling.
For context when me and my wife first got married a day before the wedding I was getting cold feet and was on the verge of just not showing up to the venue, my first major relationship was an abusive disaster, but my BIL sat me down and talked me out of it, he slapped some sense into me and I've been grateful for him ever since.
Since that me and my wife have moved away but recently we visited her family. I went out drinking with her brother one night with some other friends, it was an amazing day and nothing seemed off. When we were walking home though my BIL told me something I wish I could forget and get out of my mind. He said I was the best man he's ever met and that he wishes I wasn't married and that he wishes he never talked me out of abounding his sister. He tried to touch my arm but I moved away, I know no way in hell he ment that platonically. it's plagued my mind ever since, my wife notices somethings wrong because I don't stay up half the night normally. I don't know what to tell her and I don't know what to do, I haven't talked with my BIL since.
TL;DR My BIL wishes my wife and I weren't married because I'm 'the best man he's ever met'

RK being transparent with his positions and his strategies while purposefully acting like a complete goddamn fool in front of 600,000+ people plus news stations to have their eyes on was well executed.
There's no smoke and mirrors with this guy. Despite losing almost a quarter of a billion for today and still smiling tells me this guys is absolutely confident both in his position and in RC's abilities in making this an even greater company than where it stands.
I like to self-search on a daily basis as a way to know myself and get to know my strengths and weaknesses. But most importantly, to learn to be honest with myself.
But RK is at a completely different level when it comes to self-identifying. Literally 2 years older than me and this guy has his life together way more than I have accomplished.
He knows where he stands, he knows he's winning, and he has a clear objective. He's so sure of himself that he's literally "appears weak". And what was that saying?
"Appear weak when you are strong, and appear strong when you are weak?
This entire saga has been one wild ride, and hope to achieve as much as RK in wisdom after all this.

I'm not sure if I'm allowed to post this here but it's not like I'm committing a war crime, right?
I’ll delete my post after finding the person I’m looking for, so even if you find this post months later by searching up some words, don't hesitate to send me a message. If this post is still up, it means that I haven’t found someone but got tired of sharing it with no avail. I know that I would feel terrible if I were to share this post every day for months, so I will only do it for a week. Then, I will check this account from time to time to see if someone has messaged me. I’ve tried doing this in the past and although I wasn’t as blunt as I am in this post, I couldn’t really find someone like myself and don’t have much hope that I’ll find her this time either. But, I’m kinda naive and desperate when it comes to having a relationship or deeper connection with someone who is like me and with whom I could share everything, so here I’m writing this post..
Honestly, I'm not exactly sure why I'm writing this post since I know that the likelihood of someone like me finding this post on Reddit is quite small but as I said above, I’m quite desperate to have a deeper connection with someone and am not the type of person who would feel satisfied just by having superficial relationships with people I’m not even similar to so trying my chance here..
Over the years, I've become better mentally (take this with a grain of salt lol) and there are things I'm still working on but I feel like my past has changed my mind in ways that it would be impossible to recover from or become 'normal' or a 'normie' again. Although I don't really understand how quickly I grow up, in some ways I feel really old and starting to feel existential dread that mostly stems from my extreme loneliness. I feel incredibly lonely but I still don't want to give up who I am for superficial relationships or friendships just so that I can feel a tiny bit of connection with someone. I crave a deeper connection with someone who is like me in most ways and who also wants the same thing. I want something where both of us can be extremely honest with our lives, struggles and thoughts and just share everything with each other, be miserable, weird and pathetic together. I feel like most people try to seem perfect to attract someone but that’s not really what I’m looking for. I’ve had a quite traumatic childhood and that really impacted my life in many ways and caused me to become basically a ‘loser’. We may argue that spending thousands of hours thinking and scrolling through the internet has its own benefits but at the end of the day, that shatters you into pieces and turns you into a really weird person. I’m attracted to other people who are losers and broken like me. I know that ‘loser’ is a very general term, but NEET, hikikomori, socially inept, depressed, lonely, weird, outcast yk whatever you call it.. I was all of them and still some of them.. I really enjoy seeing parts of myself in an another person and connecting with them through our suffering and misery.. It feels bad to say this but I feel closer to people who are also traumatized, broken, weird and a bit crazy..
I literally have no friends at the moment but I don't think making friends is a huge challenge for me. Since I'm moving to Germany next year and planning to stop being a NEET, I don’t really want to go out of my way to make friends irl. But from what I’ve observed, I don’t really struggle as much as the people in my situation when it comes to making or maintaining friendships. My problem is that I don't feel a strong connection because of my past, interests, thoughts and ways of thinking, so I tend to distance myself after feeling alienated and not feeling that deeper connection. I honestly hate superficial and basic things but I've never encountered anyone who didn't want to be my friend, so I suppose you could say that I'm a good friend?? I don’t know why I’m saying this since I don’t find this something to be proud of because at the end of the day, what being a good friend brings to your life, right? But I guess I wanted to say it in my post to seem a bit more friendly? And don’t get me wrong, I've had really bad social anxiety for years and I still do but it's not as bad as it used to be. I can be a bit obsessive and clingy if I start liking someone but that does barely happen. And when it does happen, it's not on an extreme level and I guess even ‘'normal' people like it but it could be too much for some people. I don't exactly know why I'm like this, but although I haven't been diagnosed, I suspect I may have quiet BPD or something like that. But also, I'm not mentally unstable the majority of the time, so I'm not really sure. It could just be that years of social isolation and loneliness have increased my desire to find someone like myself and that has kind of turned into a bit of an obsessive thing?? I really don't know. I also really like people who are obsessive and clingy. I know it's quite childish and unhealthy (honestly, don't care about the unhealthy part) but I've been into yanderes since my childhood. It's probably because I desire someone who would obsessively want me the way I am and love me. It’s quite cringe too but I want to be extremely honest in this post since I really do want to find someone like myself. And I'm not going to sugarcoat anything and will just write as soon as I remember something, so my post may feel like a jumbled mess.
I honestly don’t know what else I can say here but I want to say more things about myself to not give a wrong impression. Surprisingly, I’m not a sexist or a racist. I feel like it’s quite common for people who had a similar past to mine and spent hours chronically online to become those things. You may be surprised but I’m also quite surprised how I didn’t turn out to be an incel, I really do wonder that lol. I find both racism and sexism quite stupid. I mean.. A lot of men and women will whine, cry and generalize things about each other without really thinking how they behave or act and most of the time, it’s the consequence of their actions and choices. I guess it’s easier for most people to blame others so they keep doing that. As I said, I’m not an incel but for some reason I find femcels kinda attractive? Again, it’s quite cringe and even pathetic but yeah.. It probably stems from my self-hatred. A lot of guys will say that most women are into abusive/toxic guys but I’m also into women like that?.. I know it's unhealthy but I can’t really control it. I’m not going to say that you have to be a good person because I kinda find that hint of evil attractive? I obviously also like the idea of having someone loving and affectionate, but having someone toxic/abusive doesn't sound that bad for me either. I don’t know.. I’m not toxic or abusive at all but find those traits attractive for some reason (most likely because of my traumas) You don’t have to be any of those things by the way, I’m just being honest to tell as much as I can about myself. And, about racism.. I believe that certain groups of people and people from certain cultures are more likely to commit crimes, do bad things and behave in certain ways but that mostly stems from their financial situations, households, families, social circles and many other external things, so it’s not simply because of their color or race, that’s what I believe and I guess some people may even consider this as racism, but I don’t.. I’m a bit of a misanthrope though, I hate most people regardless of their gender or race. I even look down at normies from time to time.. I don’t know if I’m being narcissistic by saying this but I feel like spending thousands of hours thinking and scrolling through depths of the internet gave me a very unique way of analyzing things and thinking about them.
I guess it’s also quite rare to think this after years of brainrotting but I’m also quite fine with people being LGBT, although I don’t really agree with it politically. But yk, I don’t agree with the majority of the things politically. I don’t vote and I'm not going to vote since I don’t really have any trust in the political system and personally believe that most politicians will pick a side and act in their self interest to make the most amount of money possible. And I’m not extremely firm about most of my beliefs, I’m quite open to discuss and change them, I would prefer you to be open-minded like me too. Socially, I mostly have leftist values and economically, I also tend to lean towards the left but I don’t have enough economical knowledge to be sure about it. I like to argue and talk about it but I don’t really care who wins or not. It’s just all a show to fearmonger, divide and possibly give the illusion that people have the choice, imo. I also believe in some conspiracy theories but I’m not extremely crazy about it. It’s mostly about the political system and my distrust in it. I think that there could be aliens but there’s also a possibility of us being the only civilization in the universe. I’m also quite skeptical about the idea of god, I’m sure that the sky daddy doesn’t exist but some higher powebeing that we could not understand or comprehend might be out there, or it’s just nothingness. I’m quite scared about the afterlife and death honestly. I would like to cheat and live for a really long time, assuming that I’ve got a hold of my life and have an average life.. I’m also quite scared of aging and all that stuff. I was quite suicidal years ago and was at the brink of ending it multiple times. Fundamentally, I don’t really believe that life has a deeper meaning but I believe that it’s possible to make it meaningful for ourselves. I also kinda feel pathetic for writing this long of a post on some random site to find someone but I don’t know.. I just hope that someone would really relate to this post but also have the desire and willingness to find someone like herself? I don’t know, let’s become close friends and maybe it will evolve into something else or not.. I hopefully won't find this post cringe after reading it and change my mind to post it. I find a lot of stuff I wrote/posted in the past quite cringe and deleted a lot of them.. I don’t know if a lot of people do that..
What else… Uh.. I used to watch gore a lot when I was really depressed and now I don’t really watch it but mostly look into ‘morbid curiosity’ things.. I’m tall and a bit ugly? I look masculine but emotionally kinda feminine? I’m not sure anymore honestly, I’m way more empathetic and emotional than your average man and I guess as a man, that makes you feminine? Or maybe it doesn’t, I’m not sure but although I’m like that I’m trying to be less of it, I don’t believe that being an extremely good person in today’s society isn’t an achievement. I would prefer to keep that side of me only to my partner but I don’t know if I could be like that ever. I’m a switch (into a lot of weird stuff, you can guess that ig) but lean towards sub, especially in relationships..?? That’s what I imagine at least.. I love to cook, bake, go on walks, shitpost, brainrot, daydream and read when I’m not having an existential crisis, which is quite rare nowadays. I used to read a lot of philosophical novels and literature but kinda gave up on them after realizing that they made me sadder by forcing me to think about life and other ‘deeper’ things. I feel like I’ve told everything about myself here, especially the worst ones so you know what you’re getting into lol
I’m basically looking for someone like myself to either become close friends or become mroe (not sure how that's gonna work ecause of the potential distance between us) I don’t know if an online friend who is like me could help me with my loneliness or exaggerate it but I’m willing for anything with someone who is like me I guess. Just be like me and be honest with who you are ^
If you’ve found my post interesting and related to it in some ways, please send me a message and introduce yourself like I did in my post. Please, be honest with who you are and what you think. Tell me why you think we may be similar and I guess other things you may want to say too. I hope you won’t see sending that first message as a burden and put some effort into it because I did the same with this post

Getting this out there to stop ruminating - hoping for helpful perspectives.
TL;DR My boyfriend has lied a lot about his ex, now says she raped him 6 times. I want to help him but I’m scared he’s lying.
I (29F) have been in a relationship with a guy I deeply love (28M) for a year and some months. I met him (let’s call him Charlie) around six months after a relationship I was in for 6 years ended in a way fitting for a Netflix docuseries, with me realizing I really never knew the man I was engaged to and had lived with for five years. I wasn’t looking for anything serious, but Charlie came along and was really just gentle, and kind. There was no lovebombing, which I would’ve been really sensitive to, just easygoing falling in love. Things definitely moved quickly, but not in any overdramatic sense. I felt at peace for awhile.
I told him from the very beginning that I can’t handle lying. That he doesn’t even have to tell me the truth about anything - just please don’t lie to me. I had been so badly hurt and was trying to heal my ability to trust. And I understand that people lie sometimes without meaning to, to protect others/themselves, I really get it. Out of consideration for both of us, I set that boundary early so that if it was something he couldn’t do, he’d know I’m not the person for him and that’s okay. I just asked for the respect.
And I didn’t uphold my own boundary. That’s on me. I should’ve left at the first lie, but I just had this gut feeling that he really does love me. The lies mainly revolve around his ex (someone he was with for 9 months, around covid). Right after meeting him (2 weeks), he had lunch with her for ‘closure’, as she had just moved back from out of state. I had encouraged him to do this, because he had expressed not being sure if he’s over it. I really liked him, so I said hey, I totally understand, but I don’t want to continue with you if that’s an open door. Go see her, you don’t owe me anything but the respect of a clear decision. He went to have lunch and came right back, saying all the perfect things and grateful that he could now say he was sure.
A few months later, I started to notice inconsistencies about how he spoke of his past. This was really triggering to me, and he knew that. He went from saying she broke his heart when she broke up with him to he knew he never loved her while with her, found her unattractive and easy, and that they never spent time together. He said the entire thing was faked by them, made up to convince their friends and family that they were mature and had their lives together. He told me he was using dating apps the entire time, always to sext and snapchat other girls. He showed me the childishness of their texts, and I noted that he tried to initiate sexting and talked about sex a lot with her. She seemed disinterested, only really engaging for validation. It definitely did not read as intimacy, or like they knew each other at all. Just a lot of middle schoolish plays for attention and detached romance. Weirdly, he also told me that when they would talk about moments they shared, they had actually not even seen each other. The moments hadn’t even happened…he claims they were just cosplaying a relationship, essentially.
Fast forward - he went from saying that girl broke his heart when she broke up with him to that girl raped him multiple times. Now, big disclaimer - the doubt I am about to express is not by any means doubt that men are raped by women. I am a survivor myself, and know that victims and abusers can be any gender, size, sexuality, etc. I also know that the way victims cope can be denial, as well as many other things. But I am really afraid that my boyfriend is lying and accusing an innocent person of rape. He claims they had sex consensually one time and he hated it, and that the rest of the times there was any sexual contact (6 times), she raped him. He said she wasn’t a sexual person, and that it was always very matter-of-fact and business-like. That she didn’t make a sound, just started touching him - according to him, he’d say no and try to push hand away, but she would silently just continue. She would then straddle him, pin him down, and also get a condom on him at the same time? He says all of this was without a sound, just more forceful if he tried to push her off or get up. And this happened six times, according to him. He said each time he froze more and more.
I remember from their texts that she talked about how she feels bad that she never orgasms when they have sex, and assured him that only one guy in her past was able to get her off. And over text, he was always the one bringing up sex - sex they had (that he now says were complete fabrications, though she just played along), sex he wanted to have with her, etc. And she just seemed to put up with it at best, but mostly bored. He was the one who wanted to hang out with her, the main initiator of contact. And after the relationship ended, that was still true. He seemed to idealize her, kept reaching out, etc. She would either ignore him or react when she wanted attention.
Something just feels so off. He ended up retracting that she raped him, then said the retraction was a lie because he could tell I have doubts and just wanted to put my mind to rest because he knows it doesn’t make sense. I don’t know what to believe. I want to help him through this…but what if he’s lying? It seems he is a compulsive liar, and I’m just so scared of being hurt. Does anyone have any experience with any part of this?

I don't have a lot of experience with Al-anon, so please bear with me and let me know what this program might suggest. Thanks!
My husband and I have been together for a decade, and alcohol has always been an issue. earlier in our relationship we both drank, him more heavily than I, but I did participate in the party. within the last four years or so I've pulled way back on drinking because of our past with alcohol and wanting to be healthier. I'll be transparent, I am not sober.. I will have some wine here and there, and I smoke flower. Alcohol for us has caused so much damage that I'm trying to create separation between me (us) and it. He hasn't been creating the separation and because of that... I ended up moving out for a year (2022).
I moved back in for a year because it seemed like he was taking things seriously. He had agreed to make some boundaries on how we approach alcohol in our lives (2023), and yet during this year, he had angry, drunk outbursts several times, he drove drunk and lied about drinking a couple times. And then in March of this year (2024), he drove drunk and lied about being drunk twice, to my face and once on our 7th wedding anniversary and I couldn't take it anymore.
I moved out in April for two months. The love bombing started up again... as it does every time I try to set a boundary that isn't in his favor.. how much he loves me and how much he's committed to me and how when we're good it's soooo good etc etc... and of course I believe him because I do think he loves me... and I move back in May 29th. It wasn't week of time before I caught him in yet ANOTHER lie about drinking!
AITAH because I won't tolerate the lying and now want to move our a final time and probably divorce? I just can't see myself living with this anxiety about his drinking choices, or with this feeling that I want to control what he does regularly.

Getting this out there to stop ruminating - hoping for helpful perspectives.
TL;DR My boyfriend has lied a lot about his ex, now says she raped him 6 times. I want to help him but I’m scared he’s lying.
I (29F) have been in a relationship with a guy I deeply love (28M) for a year and some months. I met him (let’s call him Charlie) around six months after a relationship I was in for 6 years ended in a way fitting for a Netflix docuseries, with me realizing I really never knew the man I was engaged to and had lived with for five years. I wasn’t looking for anything serious, but Charlie came along and was really just gentle, and kind. There was no lovebombing, which I would’ve been really sensitive to, just easygoing falling in love. Things definitely moved quickly, but not in any overdramatic sense. I felt at peace for awhile.
I told him from the very beginning that I can’t handle lying. That he doesn’t even have to tell me the truth about anything - just please don’t lie to me. I had been so badly hurt and was trying to heal my ability to trust. And I understand that people lie sometimes without meaning to, to protect others/themselves, I really get it. Out of consideration for both of us, I set that boundary early so that if it was something he couldn’t do, he’d know I’m not the person for him and that’s okay. I just asked for the respect.
And I didn’t uphold my own boundary. That’s on me. I should’ve left at the first lie, but I just had this gut feeling that he really does love me. The lies mainly revolve around his ex (someone he was with for 9 months, around covid). Right after meeting him (2 weeks), he had lunch with her for ‘closure’, as she had just moved back from out of state. I had encouraged him to do this, because he had expressed not being sure if he’s over it. I really liked him, so I said hey, I totally understand, but I don’t want to continue with you if that’s an open door. Go see her, you don’t owe me anything but the respect of a clear decision. He went to have lunch and came right back, saying all the perfect things and grateful that he could now say he was sure.
A few months later, I started to notice inconsistencies about how he spoke of his past. This was really triggering to me, and he knew that. He went from saying she broke his heart when she broke up with him to he knew he never loved her while with her, found her unattractive and easy, and that they never spent time together. He said the entire thing was faked by them, made up to convince their friends and family that they were mature and had their lives together. He told me he was using dating apps the entire time, always to sext and snapchat other girls. He showed me the childishness of their texts, and I noted that he tried to initiate sexting and talked about sex a lot with her. She seemed disinterested, only really engaging for validation. It definitely did not read as intimacy, or like they knew each other at all. Just a lot of middle schoolish plays for attention and detached romance. Weirdly, he also told me that when they would talk about moments they shared, they had actually not even seen each other. The moments hadn’t even happened…he claims they were just cosplaying a relationship, essentially.
Fast forward - he went from saying that girl broke his heart when she broke up with him to that girl raped him multiple times. Now, big disclaimer - the doubt I am about to express is not by any means doubt that men are raped by women. I am a survivor myself, and know that victims and abusers can be any gender, size, sexuality, etc. I also know that the way victims cope can be denial, as well as many other things. But I am really afraid that my boyfriend is lying and accusing an innocent person of rape. He claims they had sex consenually one time and he hated it, and that the rest of the times there was any sexual contact (6 times), she raped him. He said she wasn’t a sexual person, and that it was always very matter-of-fact and business-like. That she didn’t make a sound, just started touching him - according to him, he’d say no and try to push hand away, but she would silently just continue. She would then straddle him, pin him down, and also get a condom on him at the same time? He says all of this was without a sound, just more forceful if he tried to push her off or get up. And this happened six times, according to him. He said each time he froze more and more.
I remember from their texts that she talked about how she feels bad that she never orgasms when they have sex, and assured him that only one guy in her past was able to get her off. And over text, he was always the one bringing up sex - sex they had (that he now says were complete fabrications, though she just played along), sex he wanted to have with her, etc. And she just seemed to put up with it at best, but mostly bored. He was the one who wanted to hang out with her, the main initiator of contact. And after the relationship ended, that was still true. He seemed to idealize her, kept reaching out, etc. She would either ignore him or react when she wanted attention.
Something just feels so off. He ended up retracting that she raped him, then said the retraction was a lie because he could tell I have doubts and just wanted to put my mind to rest because he knows it doesn’t make sense. I don’t know what to believe. I want to help him through this…but what if he’s lying? It seems he is a compulsive liar, and I’m just so scared of being hurt. Does anyone have any experience with any part of this?

Hello everyone, I’m a longtime lurker of this subreddit. In all likelihood you’ve seen my posts or my comments about the relationship I got out of fifteen years ago.
A while back, I wrote a post about abusers in therapy. I put that out there because a lot of people ask will therapy or anger management help my abuser. It’s a well established fact that it won’t and also will backfire.
There’s another thing that keeps coming up that we need to talk about: the five love languages.
Just to get it out of the way, I read up briefly on the five love languages. I personally think it’s pseudoscience. The person who wrote it had no qualifications or experience to be writing any theories on how humans or relationships work. That is my opinion.
Something I keep seeing on here far too often is a girl is being abused and wondering if the cause of her problem is a mismatch in love language. It makes me sad to see others say things like:
“He keeps grabbing me and groping me after I asked him to stop/told him I don’t like it/hurts/makes me feel violated. But he said touch is his love language. Is it a love language mismatch?”
“He makes me spend egregious amounts of money on him even after I’ve told him I don’t have the money/it’s putting me into bankruptcy. But he says gift giving is his love language. Is it a love language mismatch?”
“He wants me to say nice things to him/not call him out on his bull. But he said words of affirmation is his love language. Is it a love language mismatch?”
“He wants me to spend every second of my life with him to the point that I have no time for anything or anyone else. Is it a love language mismatch?”
“I work more than he does, yet he won’t lift a finger for household chores/childcare. But he says acts of service is his love language. Is it a love language mismatch?”
I stated in my post about abusers in therapy that abusers who go to therapy will become fluent in ‘therapy talk’ and weaponize it against their victim. They’ll use therapy talk to legitimize their point of view and behaviors, and invalidate yours.
If therapy is subject to this diatribe, then concepts like the love languages aren’t exempt either. It would appear abusers are now weaponizing the love languages to justify their behavior and invalidate and discredit their partner’s reasonable objection to their diatribe.
If your partner is violating your boundaries, that’s abuse. Full stop. If you think they don’t know what they’re doing, they know. If you’re wondering why you keep telling them what they’re doing hurts or bothers you yet they keep doing it; it’s because they KNOW it hurts or bothers you.
Abuse of any kind IS NOT a love language. Boundary violation IS NOT a love language. FULL STOP.

I recently turned 18 and graduated highschool not too long ago but the threats of being kicked out have been going on since I was adopted at 10. I'm not even sure how to feel because for one I feel guilty for not being able to assimilate well, my adoptive mom was my original parent and it was only her until we moved in with her boyfriend when I was 14 and I did NOT get along with him. I had a good relationship with my birth dad and was removed from the home of my birth mother (separated birth parents) due to severe neglect. My adoptive mom's boyfriend really tried to be my father, I think, but the way he went about it always had very red flags to me and he treated my adoptive mom with a lot of disrespect and this kind of bled into my relationship with him as well, making sexually suggestive comments towards me and the constant berating of me "choosing my birth dad over him".
I feel super guilty because I don't know what's wrong with me. I feel like I should be able to assimilate into this man's life and be able to accept him as a father figure but I just cannot get myself to trust him. It is like a deep feeling in my core that something is not right and that there is an ulterior motive, and I can't pinpoint if it is from him or from the abuse I experienced with my birth mother.
Due to this they have both decided (maybe mostly him I don't know) to remove me from their home. I really try to respect him in the house and I don't undermine what he has done for me and my adoptive mom but I just cannot see him as my father and I feel like a failure for messing up the entire dynamic between all of us.

Getting this out there to stop ruminating - hoping for helpful perspectives.
TL;DR My boyfriend has lied a lot about his ex, now says she raped him 6 times. I want to help him but I’m scared he’s lying.
I (29F) have been in a relationship with a guy I deeply love (28M) for a year and some months. I met him (let’s call him Charlie) around six months after a relationship I was in for 6 years ended in a way fitting for a Netflix docuseries, with me realizing I really never knew the man I was engaged to and had lived with for five years. I wasn’t looking for anything serious, but Charlie came along and was really just gentle, and kind. There was no lovebombing, which I would’ve been really sensitive to, just easygoing falling in love. Things definitely moved quickly, but not in any overdramatic sense. I felt at peace for awhile.
I told him from the very beginning that I can’t handle lying. That he doesn’t even have to tell me the truth about anything - just please don’t lie to me. I had been so badly hurt and was trying to heal my ability to trust. And I understand that people lie sometimes without meaning to, to protect others/themselves, I really get it. Out of consideration for both of us, I set that boundary early so that if it was something he couldn’t do, he’d know I’m not the person for him and that’s okay. I just asked for the respect.
And I didn’t uphold my own boundary. That’s on me. I should’ve left at the first lie, but I just had this gut feeling that he really does love me. The lies mainly revolve around his ex (someone he was with for 9 months, around covid). Right after meeting him (2 weeks), he had lunch with her for ‘closure’, as she had just moved back from out of state. I had encouraged him to do this, because he had expressed not being sure if he’s over it. I really liked him, so I said hey, I totally understand, but I don’t want to continue with you if that’s an open door. Go see her, you don’t owe me anything but the respect of a clear decision. He went to have lunch and came right back, saying all the perfect things and grateful that he could now say he was sure.
A few months later, I started to notice inconsistencies about how he spoke of his past. This was really triggering to me, and he knew that. He went from saying she broke his heart when she broke up with him to he knew he never loved her while with her, found her unattractive and easy, and that they never spent time together. He said the entire thing was faked by them, made up to convince their friends and family that they were mature and had their lives together. He told me he was using dating apps the entire time, always to sext and snapchat other girls. He showed me the childishness of their texts, and I noted that he tried to initiate sexting and talked about sex a lot with her. She seemed disinterested, only really engaging for validation. It definitely did not read as intimacy, or like they knew each other at all. Just a lot of middle schoolish plays for attention and detached romance. Weirdly, he also told me that when they would talk about moments they shared, they had actually not even seen each other. The moments hadn’t even happened…he claims they were just cosplaying a relationship, essentially.
Fast forward - he went from saying that girl broke his heart when she broke up with him to that girl raped him multiple times. Now, big disclaimer - the doubt I am about to express is not by any means doubt that men are raped by women. I am a survivor myself, and know that victims and abusers can be any gender, size, sexuality, etc. I also know that the way victims cope can be denial, as well as many other things. But I have a really pervasive fear that my boyfriend is lying and accusing an innocent person of rape. He claims the only time they had sex consensually was the first time and he hated it, and that the rest of the times there was any sexual contact (6 times), she raped him. He said she wasn’t a sexual person, and that it was always very matter-of-fact and business-like. That she didn’t make a sound, just started touching him - according to him, he’d say no and try to push hand away, but she would silently just continue. She would then straddle him, pin him down, and also get a condom on him at the same time? He says all of this was without a sound, just more forceful if he tried to push her off or get up. And this happened six times, according to him. He said each time he froze more and more.
I remember from their texts that she talked about how she feels bad that she never orgasms when they have sex, and assured him that only one guy in her past was able to get her off. And over text, he was always the one bringing up sex - sex they had (that he now says were complete fabrications, though she just played along), sex he wanted to have with her, etc. And she just seemed to put up with it at best, but mostly bored. He was the one who wanted to hang out with her, the main initiator of contact. And after the relationship ended, that was still true. He seemed to idealize her, kept reaching out, etc. She would either ignore him or react when she wanted attention.
Something just feels so off. He ended up retracting that she raped him, then said the retraction was a lie because he could tell I have doubts and just wanted to put my mind to rest because he knows it doesn’t make sense. I don’t know what to believe. I want to help him through this…but what if he’s lying? It seems he is a compulsive liar, and I’m just so scared of being hurt. Does anyone have any experience with any part of this?

Hello everyone, I’m a longtime lurker of this subreddit. In all likelihood you’ve seen my posts or my comments about the relationship I got out of fifteen years ago.
A while back, I wrote a post about abusers in therapy. I put that out there because a lot of people ask will therapy or anger management help my abuser. It’s a well established fact that it won’t and also will backfire.
There’s another thing that keeps coming up that we need to talk about: the five love languages.
Just to get it out of the way, I read up briefly on the five love languages. I personally think it’s pseudoscience. The person who wrote it had no qualifications or experience to be writing any theories on how humans or relationships work. That is my opinion.
Something I keep seeing on here far too often is a girl is being abused and wondering if the cause of her problem is a mismatch in love language. It makes me sad to see others say things like:
“He keeps grabbing me and groping me after I asked him to stop/told him I don’t like it/hurts/makes me feel violated. But he said touch is his love language. Is it a love language mismatch?”
“He makes me spend egregious amounts of money on him even after I’ve told him I don’t have the money/it’s putting me into bankruptcy. But he says gift giving is his love language. Is it a love language mismatch?”
“He wants me to say nice things to him/not call him out on his bull. But he said words of affirmation is his love language. Is it a love language mismatch?”
“He wants me to spend every second of my life with him to the point that I have no time for anything or anyone else. Is it a love language mismatch?”
“I work more than he does, yet he won’t lift a finger for household chores/childcare. But he says acts of service is his love language. Is it a love language mismatch?”
I stated in my post about abusers in therapy that abusers who go to therapy will become fluent in ‘therapy talk’ and weaponize it against their victim. They’ll use therapy talk to legitimize their point of view and behaviors, and invalidate yours.
If therapy is subject to this diatribe, then concepts like the love languages aren’t exempt either. It would appear abusers are now weaponizing the love languages to justify their behavior and invalidate and discredit their partner’s reasonable objection to their diatribe.
If your partner is violating your boundaries, that’s abuse. Full stop. If you think they don’t know what they’re doing, they know. If you’re wondering why you keep telling them what they’re doing hurts or bothers you yet they keep doing it; it’s because they KNOW it hurts or bothers you.
Abuse of any kind IS NOT a love language. Boundary violation IS NOT a love language. FULL STOP.