You sit shoulder to shoulder in the auditorium. Your scratchy black suit rubs against two arms wrapped in finer material. You shift in your seat, moving uncomfortably in the plush chair beneath you. Your leg is shaking; you are anxious for the show to begin. The massive room rumbles with murmurs of conversation—inquisitions about how the show will be, complaints of hunger, protests of too-tight clothing, and ties choking necks. You are silent.
September 6, 1981
Louise trudged up the dusty gravel path towards her home, a rotted trailer perched atop a steep hill. The bus driver never ventured up the path, leaving Louise to trek the quarter mile herself. She stopped momentarily and watched as the yellow bus sped away; the shadow of a lone hand waved her goodbye. She waved back, too late for anyone to see it, “Bye, Miles.”
Her house stank of cigarette smoke. The soft shag carpet collected to odor, spitting it out with every step. The windows and walls were yellowed with nicotine. The trailer was quiet; the constant droning of the radiator was the only thing to be heard. Louise set her backpack down and walked into the kitchen to make herself dinner. Her mother wouldn’t be home for several hours, and school lunch was never enough.
After Louise ate a measly bowl of microwaved leftover Kraft, she sat down to do her homework. She pulled out the math sheet they had gotten that day. Numbers shifted and combined; they peeled off the page and swam around her. Louise needed help. She dialed a number she knew by heart. The line rang.
“Hello?” a woman’s voice answered, her voice slightly distorted through the phone.
“Hi, Mrs. Wilson,” Louise said in a timid voice.
“Hi, Louise,” Mrs. Wilson’s voice softened, “I’ll get him for you.”
Louise heard her muffled yell, “Thank you, ma’am.”
“Hey Louise! What’s up?” a boy's voice asked.
“Hi, Miles. Have you done your math homework?”
“I’m doing it right now.”
Louise stretched the cord to where she sat at the table, “Great.”
The lights dim, and silence washes over the crowd. The curtains part. Fifty people in tuxedos sit on stage, various instruments in hand. The conductor stands tall. He introduces the orchestra, lifts his gloved hands, and the music begins.
March 9, 1983
“You’re still coming, right?” Miles questioned nervously.
“Yes, Miles, I’m still coming,” Louise rolled her eyes before smiling at him.
Miles relaxed a little bit, “Okay, good.”
Miles had mousy brown hair that was cut short. His dad had served in the military, so he thought this boy should have a ‘man’s haircut.’ He was tan even in the wintertime. He had bright hazel eyes that glowed electric green in the sunlight. Louise was about an inch taller than Miles, a fact she was immensely proud of.
The pair walked down the school hallway. It was Friday. Wonderful, glorious Friday. Louise rejoiced in the days that she didn’t have to come into school and pretend she liked people— pretend she liked anything, really. She hated the teachers, her peers, the hospital grey of the walls. She liked Miles. He ignored the cigarette stink of her clothes and the rudeness of her tone.
Today was Miles’ birthday. He’ll be ten. Miles had invited everyone to the party; there would be a bounce house. He’s ‘going all out for the big one o’ as he kept telling Louise. She was nervous about the party; her gift was okay at best, and she dreaded the disappointed but polite smile she knew Miles would pull.
“My mom will be here right after school to pick us up. You know what my mom’s car looks like, right?” Miles asked.
“Yeah, I remember.”
Lousie walked out to Mrs. Wilson’s car, a sleek, silver Porsche; Louise felt like a celebrity when she rode in it—rich and important.
“Hi, Louise,” Mrs. Wilson smiled, “How was school?”
“Hi, Mrs. Wilson. It was good.”
Louise settled into the plush leather seats and set her backpack in front of her. They sat in silence for a moment, the soft drum of the radio filling the air. Miles ripped open the door, excitement lighting up his face. He sat down, his position mirroring Louise’s.
“Hey, buddy. How was your day?” Mrs. Wilson asked.
“It was great, Mom,” he smiled.
She smiled back warmly, “Well, that’s good.”
Mrs. Wilson pulled out of the parking lot, Louise and Miles chatted idly about school and the party. After a short while, they pulled up to Miles’ house—a two-story white house with columns in front. Louise loved it. Sometimes, during sleepovers, late at night, she pretended it was hers. She quietly walked down hallways, running her fingertips across the smooth wallpaper. She felt the soft carpet on her bare toes and imagined it knew the shape and weight of her foot. She opened the fridge and pretended not to be surprised at the selection of food that awaited her. Then, she would return to Miles’ room and lie down next to him in the sleeping bag he lent her, stare up at the tiny glowing stars stuck on his ceiling, and pretend it was her and her mom that put them up— that it was her mom that held the step stool for her so she wouldn't fall.
Louise and Miles hopped out of the car, ran up to his room, and plopped their bags down. They still had a few hours before their other classmates would arrive. They sat on the ground and leaned against the bed. Louise pulled out Miles’ gift from her bag and handed the small gift bag to him, “Happy Birthday.”
“It’s not time for the party,” Miles said, confusion evident in his voice.
Louise shrugged, “I wanted to give it to you now.”
Miles smiled at her before gently taking the tissue paper out of the bag and reaching in. He pulled out a light blue paper swan. Lousie had spent hours getting the folds just right so the paper was sharp instead of rumpled. It was beautiful.
“Louise,” Miles started, his face curved into a slight frown, like he was about to cry, “Thank you.”
“Do you really like it?” Louise asked nervously; she fidgeted with her fingernails.
Miles set the swan down gently and dove towards her, wrapping her in a hug, “I love it.”
The party was a hit. Louise nearly made herself sick from the combination of an ungodly amount of candy and jumping in the bounce house. Almost everyone from their class was there, shoving presents in Miles’ hands before running to the snacks and entertainment. Night fell, and Louise climbed in the Porsche again, though it was just her and Mrs. Wilson this time.
“Did you have a good time, Louise?” she asked, making eye contact through the rearview mirror.
“Yeah, it was awesome. Thank you for having me,” Louise responded, polite as ever.
“Oh, you are always welcome, sweetie,” Mrs. Wilson smiled.
Louise looked out the window for the rest of the drive, the stars blurring against the black night sky. They pulled up to Louise’s house; her driveway was empty.
“Are you sure you are okay until your mom gets here?” Mrs. Wilson asked.
Louise smiled fakely, “Yeah I’ll be alright. She should be home soon.”
“Okay, sweetheart.”
Louise climbed out of the car and walked to her door. She looked back before stepping inside—Mrs. Wilson’s face was a mirage of pity and sympathy. Louise waved and stepped inside, choking down guilt as she did.
The sweet sound of a violin fills your ears—a lone instrument bellowing a quiet tune. It starts slow—soft, like a warm hand caressing your face, a mother wiping away your tears.
You forget yourself for a moment; you are back in your childhood home, where your bed is indented with your shape. You smell your favorite meal being cooked downstairs. You hear your mother humming her favorite song from the kitchen. Your father isn’t home yet. You are excited to see him.
You wish it were real.
It is not.
June 11, 1984
Louise was having a terrible day. Her mother was off work and slumming around the house— she was like a ghost in her own home, and she had nothing to do. They didn’t have cable this month, so Louise’s options were to sit in her bed and do nothing or visit Miles. She chose the latter. Louise bid her mom a short goodbye, telling her where she was going and not much else, and peddled off on her bike. She was drenched by the time she arrived at Miles’ house. So she ditched her bike in the grass and ran to ring the doorbell. Mrs. Wilson answered.
“Oh. Hello, Louise,” she smiled.
Mrs. Wilson was a nice woman, and Louise absolutely loved her. She was as thin as a twig but had a motherly warmth about her that Louise itched for. Miles was the spitting image of her, matching her tanned skin and bright eyes.
“I’m afraid Miles isn’t here,” she continued.
“Oh,” Louise said, disappointment swirling around her tongue.
“I’m sorry, hun,” Mrs. Wilson gave her a sympathetic look, “He’s out with his dad fishing for the day.”
“That’s okay,” Louise lied and started to walk back to where she abandoned her bike.
“Wait a second, sweetheart,” she called, “Do you want some lemonade? I’d hate to just send you home after you rode all this way.”
“Sure, Mrs. Wilson. Thank you.”
Louise followed her into the kitchen and sat down at one of the barstools to wait. It wasn’t long before she had a nice tall glass of lemonade in front of her and a bag of chips in her hand.
“You can go watch TV if you want,” Mrs. Wilson smiled at her, “I’ll be out in the garden if you ever need anything.”
“Okay, thank you,” Louise said.
She wandered into the living room, and the plush carpet under her feet felt amazing. She flicked on the television and turned it to her favorite cartoon station. She did feel strange behaving like she lived there, especially when the house was empty, but her desire to relax in the air conditioning trumped the feeling. She mindlessly watched Jerry outsmart Tom in the comfort of a home that wasn’t her’s.
Louise finished her snack but didn’t feel like returning home; she knew her mother would be there, heating the house with cigarettes and sex. Mary had moved on from Steve quickly. So, she laid down and continued watching television. At some point, she fell asleep. Louise woke up to the soft voices of Miles’ parents talking in the kitchen. Someone had turned the TV off and taken her dishes. She could hear the shower running upstairs. Louise had no idea what time it was; the sun was now visible in the living room windows, the sky was orange. She was about to get up and ask Mrs. Wilson when she heard her name. Miles’ parents were talking about her. She got up as quietly as she could and snuck closer to the swinging kitchen door.
“Is there something we can do?” Mrs. Wilson asked her husband in a concerned tone.
“I don’t think so, Jenny,” Mr. Wilson responded, “She just has a hard life, that’s all.”
“I feel like we should do more for her.”
Mr. Wilson sighed, “We can only help her when she’s here. You know what Mary thinks about handouts.”
“Oh, poor Mary,” Mrs. Wilson said, her tone sympathetic, “I should call her and tell her Louise is gonna stay the night.”
Louise heard footsteps sound in her direction. She ran as softly as she could back to her position on the couch, feigning sleep. Mrs. Wilson swung open the door and picked up the phone that hung on the wall next to it. Louise heard the click-clack of buttons being pressed, the muffled ringing, and then her mother’s voice on the other line.
“Hey, Mary,” Mrs. Wilson said, “Is it alright if Louise stays here tonight? She passed out on the couch and I don’t think it’d be smart to have her ride home now.”
Lousie couldn’t hear her mother's exact words, but she must have said it was fine because the next thing Louise knew, she was being picked up and carried up the stairs. Mrs. Wilson set her down in a room she was unfamiliar with. She figured it was the guest room. Mrs. Wilson kissed Louise gently on her forehead and told her goodnight in a whispered tone. Louise missed her mother.
The room was bird-themed. The walls were painted a dark navy, and a thin metal peacock stared at her from where it hung. A copy of the NATO phonetic alphabet was hanging, too. It must have been Miles’ old room. Louise remembered when he came to school in second grade and told her he was moving into the attic. There was an opening to the roof up there, and Miles was in love with the idea of sitting up there and watching the sun set and rise.
Miles was in love with a lot when he was little— the sun and sky, the warmth of his mother’s hugs, iced tea on a hot day. Louise didn’t think she was in love with anything. She didn’t think she ever would be. Louise was almost asleep, the plush, silky sheets lulling her into another bout of slumber. Her door squeaked open. Miles’ small frame was a shadow in the doorway. He looked so small. He didn’t walk into the room, choosing to loom in the entrance.
“Goodnight, Louise,” he said in a small voice.
“Goodnight, Miles.”
When you were little, you thought everything was perfect. The world was alive with hope and magic. Everyone got along, and there was nothing wrong.
Of course, now you know that is not true. But a part of you, a little tiny part, wants to go back to when you didn’t know. When life was good, and you didn’t know better.
That’s how the music sounds. Like you are an innocent kid sitting on the front porch eating a red cherry popsicle. The juice runs down your face. It looks like blood.
July 15, 1984
Louise was once again sitting in the back seat of the Wilsons’ Porsche, but this time, she was without a backpack-- sans her school clothes. She wore the itchy Easter dress her grandmother had gotten her two years prior. Louise wore it to her funeral. She stuck out like a sore thumb, a pastel beacon amongst the waves of black. It was Sunday—the Lord’s Day, as Mrs. Wilson had told her. Louise hadn’t been inside a church for a good reason—she’d never been to a regular Sunday mass. But last night, she had stayed the night at Miles’, so she was on her way to church. There were no ifs, ands, or buts about it.
They pulled into the parking lot, the ancient steeple looming over the car. Louise could recognize that it was a beautiful church, but the body of Christ hanging in the stained glass window did nothing to settle her nervous stomach. The pop of car doors sounded; there was no going back.
The wooden pew was uncomfortable, the kneelers even more so. She listened to Miles’ soft whispers of direction and did as he said. She fell and rose when she should; she crossed her arms instead of taking communion, she shook hands with strangers, and mumbled, ‘Peace be with you.’ And then it was over, and Louise was waking back to the car, her white flats cutting into her feet.
“What did you think, Louise?” Mrs. Wilson asked in a kind voice.
She shrugged her shoulders, “It was okay. I didn’t really know what to do.”
“You’ll learn,” Mrs. Wilson responded, a promise on the tip of her tongue.
Louise was silent on the ride back; she leaned against the window and watched as trees blurred together in a mirage of green. Louise didn’t know what it was like to believe in God. She thought she felt it there for a moment-- a quiet tingling in the back of her mind. But then she remembered that she wasn’t with her family; the Wilsons were not her parents. She remembered her mom was working a double today so they could have electricity. And what God would think that was fair? Not one Louise wanted to believe in.
The music sounds like the church hymns your mother made you sing. She meant well; she thought she was giving you the gift of her religion. You couldn’t tell her you didn’t want it. It was all she had ever known.
What child betrays their mother?
May 21, 1985
It was the summer after sixth grade. Lousie and Miles had biked to the pool in town, a desperate attempt to escape the heat. The air was thick and humid, and sweat sprouted from Louise's skin, dampening her shirt and shorts. The sun beamed down on her back; there wasn’t a cloud in sight. The pair parked their bikes out front and ran into the small building. A bored-looking teenager accepted their fifty cents each and let them in. The air reeked of chlorine, and the painted concrete was slick with warm water. Miles and Louise threw their towels down and began to shed their swimsuits. Louise’s hands were shaking with anticipation; she hadn't been to the pool in so long.
“Race you,” Miles said, darting towards the water's edge.
“No fair,” Louise groaned as she kicked off her flip-flops and ran after him.
Louise heard a distant whistle ringing and a call that running wasn’t allowed before she splashed into the blue depths. The cool water encapsulated her, and goosebumps formed on her skin. She bobbed to the surface and saw Miles climbing out and heading towards the diving board.
They stayed until the sun was beginning to set; Miles’ mom didn’t like him being out that late on his own yet, so they peddled back home soggy clothes and pruny skin.
When Louise returned to her house, it was dark. She could see the kitchen light shining out onto the brown lawn. Steve was home. Louise’s mom, Mary, had picked him up a few months back. He was a short, fat man. His breath always smelled like beer, yeasty and vile. He had dark hair and a beard to match. Her mother claimed she really liked him, but Louise knew she just needed someone to help pay the bills.
One of the few good things about having kids as young as Louise’s mom had her is that she never had a hard time finding a sleazy older guy to keep around. Being pretty also helped, and Mary sure was pretty. Mary was tall and slender, with long, curly auburn hair. She was covered in freckles and had eyes that glowed emerald green. When Louise was young, Mary would smile often, but as her eyebags grew, her smile faded. She could fake it when needed, but it was never like Louise remembered.
Mary and Louise could have been twins— minus the smile lines she didn’t think she’d ever have the chance to earn. Maybe that was why, when Louise walked into her kitchen in nothing more than a bathing suit, Steve forced himself on her.
You clutch the armrest on your chair, digging your nails into the fabric. The music is screeching, a distorted version of what it once was. You want to cry. You think your ears are bleeding. You bite the inside of your cheek, hoping to distract yourself from the perverted disgust mess of noise assaulting you. Your mouth tastes like metal. The urge to stand and walk, no, run, out of the theater is so strong you can hardly bear it.
You do not get up.
May 22, 1985
Miles called and asked if she wanted to go swimming again. Louise didn’t have the heart to tell him she never wanted to go swimming again, so she lied and said she was sick. Miles was at her door an hour later with a container of homemade cookies and Guess Who.
The two sit on the floor of Louise’s bedroom, the soft blanket she put down covering the scratchy carpet. Louise’s room was small and dingy. The walls were cracked and stained; she lived out of one small bureau that had been unceremoniously shoved into a corner of the room. Last Christmas, she begged her mother to help her hang lights on the ceiling. They were still up, casting a rainbow glow over the room. It was the only source of light she used. She had a small nightstand piled with pencils and markers; she had long since stained her light pink sheets while drawing. Cookie crumbles littered the floor. Louise was losing the game; most of her people were still up, while Miles only had about five people left to choose from. He chewed his lip in concentration. Louise usually laughed at him for it; he always seemed to take the board games they played too seriously. This time, she didn’t notice he was doing it.
“Does your person have brown hair?” Miles questioned.
Louise didn’t respond. “Louise? Are you alrigh—”
“Do your parents ever touch you?” Louise said, eyes trained on the floor.
Miles’ face scrunched up in confusion, “You mean like hugs?”
“No.”
“What do you mean then?” Miles questioned.
Louise’s eyes fogged up with tears, “Never mind. Let’s just play the game.”
Miles eyed her with sympathetic confusion before realizing what she meant, “Louise…”
He moved to hug her, but she flinched away from him. Miles sat back; he wasn’t touching her but was close enough for her to feel the heat radiating off of him. Louise sniffled, trying desperately to contain her emotion.
“Do you want me to leave you alone?” Miles whispered.
Louise turned to look at him, her face pale and puffy, “Please don’t.”
Louise and Miles sat like that for a long time. When the sun set, he got up and called his mom, begging her to let him stay the night. Louise didn’t hear the conversation, but Mrs. Wilson must have agreed because the next thing she knew, she was being guided to bed, and Miles was settled on the floor next to her, leaning against the bed and holding her hand.
The music turned sweet. It drifted through your ears pleasantly, passing over the cracked, dry blood. A chorus of flutes is playing, light and soft.
It feels like the pillow in your dorm room, childhood mixed with freedom.
You know this feeling won’t last. But right now, in this moment, you lay your head down and pretend the world is new.
May 17, 1986
Miles and Louise had biked miles to the movie theater. Miles had begged Louise to see the new movie coming out, one that Louise was less than excited about. He had been to the movies some months before with his mom and had seen the trailer. The next day, he begged her to see it with him when it came out, and she agreed, not knowing anything about it.
Miles was practically giddy with excitement. His eyes glowed with it. The theater was packed; they stood in the line shoulder to shoulder with what must have been every other kid in town. Louise clung to the red crushed velvet rope that segmented the line for dear life. The feeling of so many people pressed up against her was nauseating. She screwed her eyes shut, pushing down a wave of oncoming dizziness. Before she knew it she was being pulled along to the ticket stand. Miles produced them with a broad smile on his face, “Two for Top Gun.”
He then bought a giant thing of buttery popcorn and two glass Cokes. They made their way to their seats and waited for the movie to begin. Miles shoved popcorn in his mouth, salty yellow kernels going everywhere. Trailers for various movies played on the big screen— Miles leaned over nearly every time and asked Louise if she would go with him. She said yes every time.
The movie was beautiful. It was nothing like Louise had ever seen before; it made her yearn for the sky, the feeling of freedom unlike anything she would ever know. And then it was tragic, and she was crying in her seat, wailing over someone she didn’t know. Begging him to wake up.
They left in silence, walking to the bike rack to a chorus of shoes against pavement. They stalled for a moment before getting onto their bikes and parting their ways.
“What would you do if I died?” Miles said, his eyes trained on Louise’s.
“I don’t know,” her eyes were red and puffy, “I don’t think I could go on.”
“Me neither,” Miles agreed.
Miles stared at her for a beat before getting on his bike and peddling home. Louise imagined her life without Miles on the way home. Sharp metal against skin, blood seeping into water. She didn’t think it would be much of a life.
When you were in 6th grade, you played the clarinet. You always had a fondness for them.
They were the only ones playing, the dulcet tones of a wooden reed against black plastic. The song was picking up pace, like a heartbeat.
In 6th grade band, you sat next to a girl you liked. She was better at the instrument than you. You didn’t care. You remember taking her to the winter formal and carrying her shoes when her feet got sore. You remember your dad giving you the talk before you went.
You haven’t seen her in years. You wonder how she’s doing.
The clarinets are done with their solo. You forget about her again.
August 21, 1987
This year, Louise’s birthday fell on the first day of school. She dressed nicer than usual, an attempt at vanity that made her hate herself. Miles had given her a music box that played You Are My Sunshine. Louise had told him that she missed it when her mom sang it to her before bed. She cried in the bathroom.
At lunch, she stood in line with a group of girls in her PE class. Miles was a few feet ahead of her, and the kids in her school took cutting in line more seriously than she thought was necessary, so she stayed put. She stood silently while the girls talked about a teacher they didn’t like, choosing instead to eavesdrop on the conversations around her rather than contribute to the one she was in.
Brian Miller’s voice sounded broken and raspy, like a kid with money for cigarettes and not much else. He was a stereotypical bully, big and tall, with an ugly look plastered everywhere he went. He couldn’t stand the thought of someone not being in pain. He was talking to Miles, his voice loud enough for Louise to hear from where she was: “Why do you hang out with that poor girl all the time? Does she give it up easily?”
His lips were curled in a cruel sneer, showing off his yellow teeth. Miles looked at him, barely visible to Louise over the people between them. Then, suddenly, he wound up and punched Brian square in the face. Louise heard the crunch of his nose being broken— blood spurted on the floor and onto the onlooking students. Brian grunted in pain, bringing his hand to touch his bloodied face slowly before launching into a vicious returning attack. He only got a few punches on Miles before the nearest teacher pulled him away. Louise pushed through the crowd that had formed, leaning down at Miles’ side. His face was nearly unrecognizable; bruises were starting to form already.
“Why did you do that? Oh my god, Miles, why did you do that?” Louise choked out, tears fogging her vision.
“I love you,” Miles tried to smile, blood staining his teeth.
A teacher pushed Louise out of the way, assessing the damage. What felt like seconds later, an ambulance appeared, along with Mrs. Wilson. She was frantic; her hands were shaking with fear. Everything was silent. At some point, everyone had cleared out except Louise. She was standing here like an idiot, staring at Miles’ bloodied face.
Louise felt a strong hand grab her arm, a mother’s hand, “Come on, Louise. You can ride along.” Mrs. Wilson stood in front of Louise. Her eyes were red, but she had composed herself. Louise’s voice came out as nothing more than a whisper: “Okay.”
She let herself be pulled into the ambulance; the siren was the only thing she could hear. She watched as the EMTs worked, their skilled, gloved hands dancing over his body.
“Louise, he’s gonna be okay,” Mrs. Wilson whispered in her ear, “Come here.”
She pulled Louise into a hug, hiding her view of Miles. Louise closed her eyes against Mrs. Wilson, willing her breath to slow. They stopped abruptly at the hospital. Louise and Mrs. Wilson climbed out and watched as nurses and interns swarmed Miles’ gurney. They were ushered to the waiting room and sat down on hard, terribly patterned chairs. At some point, Mrs. Wilson called Louise’s mother to tell her where she was. A doctor brought them to Miles’ room after over an hour. His face had been cleaned and bandaged, and his nose was clearly broken.
“Louise,” Miles said, his eyes lighting up.
“Miles,” Louise responded, “Are you okay?”
“I’m right as rain,” he tried to smile but winced.
“Don’t lie to me, Miles.”
“I’ll be okay,” he reassured her, reaching up to squeeze her hand.
They stood like that until Louise’s mom came to get her. Louise crawled into Mary’s beat-up Sedan and slumped in the seat.
“Are you okay, baby?” Mary asked her.
“Mom, what if he died?” Louise ignored the question.
Mary sighed, “Sweetheart he’s fine. He’s just got a concussion and a broken nose.”
“I know,” Louise said, “I know he’s fine.”
The bags under Mary’s eyes seemed heavier today, and her face seemed more wrinkled. Louise looked more like her every day.
The music takes on a somber tone. Long, drawn-out notes fill the air. You think of your mother again, the way she looked sunken in her hospital bed— decaying before your eyes. You remember the feel of her bony, pale hands wiping away your tears in her final moments.
It was the first time you saw your dad cry.
The wail of violin chokes you.
December 17, 1988
Louise was lying on her back in Miles’ bed. He’s had the same one since they were kids; the box springs creak under their weight. Miles was above her, his eyes boring holes in hers. His parents were not home, the house was eerily quiet— the ambient creaking distracting Louise. His record player sang sweet music from his desk. His room was cluttered with dirty clothes and various knick-knacks. A blue paper swan sat on his bookshelf next to his worn copy of The Hobbit. His closet was open, casting weird shadows along the walls. The lights were off.
The soft touch of Miles’ lips trailed down her chest to her stomach. She tried to push down the nausea— make her body stop squirming. Her hand clutched his shoulder tightly. He had asked if this was okay. She had said yes.
Louise felt another article of clothing being slid off her body. She was cold. Her eyes shot to the ceiling. One glowing star was still stuck on the popcorn texture. Miles had taken them off the year before. He had missed one. Louise felt the heat of salty water run down her face into the soft pillow. She hated herself.
‘Dear God,’ she thought, ‘if you can hear me please, please just let me be okay. Let me want this.’
She didn’t receive a response. God wasn’t listening. It was just her and Miles in a house too big, in a world too small.
“Louise?” Miles said, his voice laced with concern, “Hey. Are you okay?”
All she could muster was an ‘I’m sorry’ before getting up, running into the bathroom, and emptying her stomach into the toilet.
The air stunk of sour yeast.
The music bounced up and down, building up to its crescendo. Excitement filled your chest, the entire orchestra almost all playing now.
A chorus of brass filled the air—French horns and trumpets battle for dominance on stage. Your eyes are wide in anticipation; you have waited the entire night for this.
You are sixteen, and you and your friends sit around a fire, passing a bottle of Jack around. It is the Friday before school starts. You wanted one last night of summer fun before your life filled with books and assignments.
The whiskey burns a path down your throat. It makes you nauseous. You get so drunk you can’t stand up. Your vision blurs as you stumble into the surrounding woods. You are alone. You vomit more than you thought was possible. You think you are going to die. You miss your mom.
You haven't drank since.
You don’t think you ever will.
August 4, 1989
The granite bar was cool under Louise’s fingertips. She sat in Miles’ kitchen, spinning nervously on the metal bar stool. She was chewing her lip; her mouth tasted like blood. Miles sat next to her, his demeanor the exact opposite of Louise’s.
“I mean, come on, Louise. What are you gonna do with your life?” Mrs. Wilson lectured her.
“I don’t know,” Louise mumbled.
Mrs. Wilson sighed, “Miles has wanted to be a pilot since he was eight. What do you want?”
Louise took a deep breath, “I don’t know. I’m sorry I can’t be like Miles. But I’m not your fucking kid so leave me alone.”
Louise stood up and stomped up the stairs. She heard Mrs. Wilson yelling her name, but she didn’t turn around. She buried herself in Miles’ bed, wrapping herself in his soft comforter. Louis heard the stairs creak with weight and then a knock on the door.
“Louise, I’m sorry,” Miles said, walking into the room.
Louise sat up, her face dry, “Why are you sorry? You didn’t yell at me.”
“I still feel sorry,” he said as he sat down next to her.
Louise took a deep breath and leaned on his shoulder. Miles rested his head against hers, “She loves you, you know.”
“I know.”
“She just wants you to do well,” Miles said.
“She wants me to be better than my mother,” Louise corrected.
“Is that so bad?”
The music doesn’t matter right now. You are fifteen, and your father is yelling at you about your future. You don’t know what you want to do. You want to be better than him.
He backhands you.
The arm of the person next to you brushes against yours. You jump. The conductor's hands are blurry with movement. The theater is alive with sound.
You miss your dad.
February 14, 1990
Louise and Miles sat across from each other in a restaurant that was too nice for the amount of money they brought. Louise ran her fingers across the laminated menu, fidgeting nervously with the edge of the paper. The restaurant was packed, Miles had made the reservations months in advance.
“Do you know what you want?” Miles asked.
Louise pursed her lips, “I think I’m gonna get the chicken piccata.”
Miles eyed the menu, “That looks good.”
“What are you gonna get?” she returned the question.
Miles smiled, almost boyishly, “The steak.”
Louise hummed in response. She set her menu down and reached for her water glass, running her finger across the rim. Condensation dripped down outside the glass, her fingerprints marking the surface.
“Are you excited about prom?” Miles asked.
Louise laughed a little, “Do we really have nothing else to talk about other than a dance in two months?”
Miles rolled his eyes playfully, “I guess not. What did we talk about when we were kids?”
“I have honestly no idea,” Louise smiled, “I don’t think we talked a lot. We mostly played.”
“We did play an ungodly amount of Donkey Kong.”
Louise chuckled, “God, was that game even good? Or were we just kids?”
“I honestly have no idea,” Miles smiled.
The waiter came by and took their order, collecting their menus and refreshing their drinks. It wasn’t long before their food arrived; the plates were decedent and beautiful. They left the restaurant with doggy bags in hand and significantly poorer than when they walked in. Louise clambered into Miles’ truck and waited for Miles to start it. But he didn’t. He was staring at her instead.
“What?” she asked incredulously.
He smiled at her, “I have something for you.”
Her face fell in surprise, “Miles, you told me the dinner was a gift.”
“Well,” Miles shrugged. He reached into his pocket and produced a small velvet box. She took it gingerly into her hands, excitement boiling in her chest. She opened the box softly and found two silver rings. One was engraved with ‘Miles,’ and the other said ‘Louise.’ Miles picked up the one that said his name and handed it to her.
“This one is for you,” he looked at her with huge puppy-dog eyes, “And the other one is for me.”
“Miles…”
“Do you like it?” he asked nervously.
She melted, “I love it. I love you.”
“I love you, too,” he said, leaning in and kissing her sweetly.
“Are your parents home?” she asked against his lips.
“No, they won’t be home in hours.”
This time was different than the first. No bile rose up into Louise’s throat; she didn’t have to repress her squirming body. The air smelled like clean linen— fresh and new.
You are crying, and you don’t know why. The music sounds more like singing now, wrapping you in lyrics and hugs. You feel warm and fuzzy. Like you are a little kid who just got home after swimming all day. You are tired in the perfect way. You sink into your blankets and fall asleep.
A humming noise wakes you up. You are in the theater. There is music playing. You aren’t a kid anymore.
You had a drink at dinner before the concert.
You swallowed it with ease.
March 20, 1990
The hum of the radio filled the sweet night air. Louise and Miles lounged in the bed of his beat-up pickup. It was his father's old farm truck, a janky, rusty thing that only ran when it felt like it, but Miles loved it. It was his pride and joy. Any weekend he wasn’t with Louise, he was fixing it up; he would spend hours under the body of that thing, coming into the house reeking of oil and exhaust. Mrs. Wilson hated it; she feared for the safety of her nice beige carpet and the cleanliness of his jeans.
It was freshly spring; it was dry and warm for the first time this year. They were laying on his mother’s old picnic blanket, something she probably wouldn’t care for if she knew. It was pitch black, the only thing that illuminated them were the stars and the faint light of Louise’s kitchen light. They had returned from cruising around town, and neither wanted to go inside yet. They had been lulled into a comfortable silence, their hands knotted together perfectly. And then, suddenly, Louise had a question.
“Do you hate me?”
“Louise…” Miles sighed.
Nervousness leaked into her tone, “I was just making sure.”
“That I don’t hate you? Even though we’re dating?” Miles scoffed, “Why would I be with you if I hated you? What would I gain from that?”
“What if you were using me?” Louise said, her voice small.
“Oh my god,” Miles sat up and put his head in his hands, “‘What if’ Louise, when have I ever, in our entire lives, used you?”
“I don—” she started.
“If you are basing your fear of our relationship on ‘what ifs,’ maybe we shouldn’t be together. You are so absorbed in your past that it's like you aren’t even seeing me, not now, not in the present,” Miles shot at her.
“That’s not fair,” Louise said, her voice breaking with emotion.
Miles took a deep breath, “I’m sorry for what happened, and I get that healing is a hard and long process. But, Louise, I’m tired, too. ”
Hot, stinging tears rolled down Louise’s face, wetting the blanket, “I know you love me. Sometimes I’m just scared.”
“Why are you scared?” Miles whispered.
“I don’t know,” she sniffled, “I am what I am.”
“You are what you are,” Miles repeated, “And I’m tired of pretendning I can change that.”
“Then stop.”
Louise wiped the tears off her face and climbed out of the truck. Her receding footsteps echoed in Miles' head, a pounding that sounded eerily like his heartbeat— fast and hard. Miles sat there for a long while. The radio was still on, blasting The Smiths.
Trumpets blast loud, then louder. You think your eardrum might burst. Then, the music lulls to a stop. The lights do not come on. It is like the entire world has stopped to take a breath. One big inhale. You fill your lungs. The air smells like honeysuckle.
You are a child running in the yard with your dog. You are barefoot. You step on a bee. You limp into the house and cry to your mother. She puts your foot on ice.
You will never feel the grass on your bare foot again. You do not need to learn the lesson twice.

This has been driving me CRAZY and I am nearly positive that I am not the AH, but I just want to check and make sure.
(Warning— this story contains Poop)
About six months ago, my brother, his wife, and their 10-year-old son/my nephew visited me in California. They planned a brief stay at my house, and on their third day, my brother and his wife decided to take a romantic getaway to Santa Barbara. Initially, they intended to bring their son/my nephew (let’s call him Little Johnny), but I offered to watch him so they could enjoy some alone time. My sister-in-law (let’s call her Donna) wasn’t so sure about the idea. She has never liked me, she sees me as a carefree bachelor and believes that I am going against God’s will by not settling down to procreate. I also am not fond of her, at all. But anyway, my brother convinced her it was fine and they head off.
The day they left, Johnny and I had a blast. We swam in my pool, played mini-golf, I let him shoot me with paint balls and we watched a Lakers game on TV. I let him eat pizza and candy and stay up an hour past his bedtime. You know, I was going the “cool uncle” thing. The next day we planned to go to his first Dodgers game. I was surprised when I got up early and found him downstairs, already showered and dressed. The game was fun, but unfortunately, Little Johnny was quieter and mentioned his stomach hurt, so we left early and headed home.
His parents were due back a few hours later and they’d then be heading to the airport. I plopped Little Johnny on the couch with an iPad so that I could feed and play with the dog and do some Sunday chores around the house. I went to check the guest room where he was staying to make sure that he was packed and ready to go. I open the door and was met with an astonishing smell of poop. At first, I thought it was my dog who was there next to me. So I said “Oh no did you do this?” And pointed him to walk out the room. I then tiptoed around the room looking for a log on the floor. I then realized that it couldn’t have been the dog because the bedroom door had been closed. Uh oh. I should have known something was up when I saw that the bed was made. So I lift up the duvet cover and there is diarrhea EVERYWHERE. He must have had an accident and then rubbed his legs all around spreading it everywhere while asleep. It was all over the sheets and the duvet cover. And he’d hidden a towel under the bed that he must have used to at least try to clean some of it up.
So, I rip off the duvet cover and the bottom sheet and throw them into the washer and run them on the hottest cycle using Tide bleach detergent.
I’m now wearing an N-95 mask, a hoodie and kitchen gloves when I reenter the room. I now see that the poop has penetrated both the duvet cover and the bottom sheet, because there are splattered stains on the down duvet, and then there’s a big, circular, deep looking stain on the mattress— right in the middle. This is the hot zone. The stain has now probably been sitting there for over 12-hours since he didn’t tell me about it, so now it’s all dried in there. Meanwhile little Johnny is trying to come upstairs but I’m telling him not to because I’m “on an important phone call.” I don’t want him knowing that I know because I don’t want to embarrass him.
I’m googling how I can possibly salvage the mattress so I’m trying to scrub it with hydrogen peroxide, but nothing is working. This is a very expensive latex mattress made by this brand Avocado Mattress. This mattress for the guest room was a Queen with medium plushness and cost me $2500! Their beds go all the way up to $6k! But I wanted my guests to have a comfortable place to sleep when they stay so I splurged. And that weekend was the first time the mattress had been slept on! My brother and his wife were on it the first two and then little Johnny Poopy Pants the third. And now this.
I decided not to confront my brother or Donna upon their return to avoid embarrassing Johnny, hoping they would offer to help with the costs later.
The next day, I pay some upholstery cleaning company to come and try to shampoo and vacuum it all up with their industrial wet-vacs (another $400) and it helps a little, but the brown stain is still plain as day. It’s a big brown crater. I guess latex absorbs any sort of moisture or fecal matter deep into its fibers. The cleaning guys tell me that it’s fine to sleep on. The smell is gone and it’s been totally sanitized, so nobody will know once a sheet is on top. excuse me, what? I don’t care. There’s a giant brown stain on the middle of the mattress. I’m not going to make anyone sleep on there. Plus, it’s all I’ll think about each time I pass by the room. Of course the warranty for the mattress doesn’t cover accidental feces, so, I throw the brand new mattress out. I also threw out the white goose down comforter (which also wasn’t cheap) as well as all the bedding. I just wanted it gone.
A week later, I recounted the incident to my brother in what I intended as a light-hearted manner, hoping for some recognition of the situation. I didn’t outright say that I now needed a brand new matttess but it was pretty clear. He said he’d talk to Donna about what could have happened with little Johnny, and I then hoped that she’d understand the situation and I’d get a call, but none came.
So, I wait. I even speak with my brother on the phone a few times like we always do, but it’s never mentioned again. Neither of us like confrontation. I try to let it go. But I’ve just moved into this new house. I had just bought this really nice mattress for my guest room, and now there’s just a bed frame sitting there. I kept going to the Avocado website, putting the same $2,500 mattress into my cart and then I’d then think “wait, why on earth am I paying for this mattress? I didn’t poop on the mattress for F’s sake!” And the thing was only three days old!
So last week, my sister-in-law Donna calls to say that they’re coming to LA for the weekend in two weeks for a wedding. I can tell she’s fishing for an invite to stay at my house so they won’t have to spring for a hotel. So (this was kind of evil of me) I said of course they can stay (knowing that they couldn’t because I don’t have a mattress!) She’s happy. Ten minutes later, I call and say “oh shoot, I completely forgot, you can’t stay here because unfortunately I still don’t have a mattress after the weekend with Little Johnny.” I then told her they were welcome to the couch, or they could bring an air mattress to put on the empty bed frame. It was at this point that I think she understood where I was going. She said they’d just figure something else out, and that was that. I made plans to go out to dinner with just my brother on the Thursday night before the wedding. Donna was seeing her friends in LA that night which I was thrilled about in general, but also because I wanted to talk to my brother about the mattress situation since I know that he is a lot more sensible than she is. I honestly think that him not immediately offering to pay for the mattress was more a case of his extreme ADD. I sometimes think he’s on the cusp of Asperger’s the way he misses some social cues. I knew he’d understand, especially without Donna there who tends to be in charge. She’s loud and from New Jersey and sometimes it really shines through, no offense to those in Jersey. And my brother is pretty docile.
So I get to dinner, and I see my brother AND DONNA at the dinner table. Damnit. I guess her friends bailed, I don’t blame them. We have a nice meal. My brother and I are doing a lot of reminiscing which Donna doesn’t like very much because it doesn’t include her (I know it sounds like I’m piling on her right now but I can’t help it). When dinner is winding down I decide to politely broach the subject. I tell them how fun it was spending time with little Johnny, how much he reminds me of my brother when he was his age and how I’d happily watch him anytime they needed me to. I then just said something like “listen, it’s not a big deal, but I just bought my house as well as everything in it, and it’s finally all done, but I want to replace the mattress so the guest room is usable again.” My ADD bother, not getting it, was like “I bet. It’s a great place. We loved staying there.” I look over at Donna and she’s scowling at me and says something like “so this is why you brought us to dinner? So you could embarrass us and our son?” So now we’re in it right away. And I tell her (I was probably the AH here) that I didn’t invite her to anything. It was meant to be just my brother and I. She just showed up.
She tells me to F off and says that I’m “trying to embarrass them and their son by bringing it up.” WHAT? I tell her that I’m not mad or trying to shame Johnny at all, but I didn’t poop in the bed. Her son did. Why should I have to pay for the mattress? My brother is just like “ok everyone calm down this has been a nice even…” but we’re just talking over him. She then tells me that it’s my fault for not having a waterproof mattress protector. What? Why would I have that? I hadn’t planned on any of my friends or family having explosive diarrhea in my bed! She also said that I could have easily had it professionally cleaned which obviously did.
This was the best, she then asks “Did my parents ask you for a new swimming pool after you vomited in it during our wedding?” She then called me a lush. They got married at her parents house and yes, I did throw up in the pool at the end of the night, BUT 1) The wedding was 12 years ago! We were all in our 20’s 2) had her parents asked, you can be sure I would have been at the bottom of the pool the very next morning, in scuba gear, with a scrub brush and some bleach to clean up any of the last remnants. I had apologized to them profusely the following morning and they laughed it off 3) A dry, latex mattress and a continuously filtered, chlorinated swimming pool are two completely separate things and 4) Poop outgrosses vomit any day of the week and it always has. There’s no denying that.
She then says, flat out, that they’re not paying for it. Now mind you, she doesn’t earn the money in the family, my brother does. She looks after Little Johnny ,which believe me, I know is just as tough of a job, I mean that, my mother raised me and was lucky enough not to have to work because my brother and I were enough of a job, but it’s not actually her earned money. She then says “you can buy your own mattress Mr. Moneybags.” She knows I hate it when she says stuff like that more than anything, especially because my brother EARNS MORE $ than I do! I just don’t have a family to take care of so I can afford a nicer car or a bigger TV.
My brother just wants this to end so he says “listen, we’ll work this out, he was nice enough to look after Johnny and it happened while he was there so we’ll do what we need to…” She then interrupts him and says “he’s not getting a thing. He wants to embarrass us and our son just because he can’t take care of a mattress.”
So I then say (rather passive aggressively) “Listen, Donna, forget I said anything. On Monday, I will call Tom (my bother) in the office and we will work this out like level-headed adults, like my brother and I both are, without you. And I will be paid for the mattress. So, you’re done, you don’t have to worry about it anymore. We’ve got it from here. Well from there it kept going downhill.
AITA here? I am pretty sure that I am not, I just want to make sure that I’m not being crazy. I was nice enough to look after my nephew so that my bro and his wife could have a relaxing night away. I took him to a baseball game, kept him entertained and we had a great time. He then pooped all over my brand new Avocado mattress and didn’t tell me about it all day so the stain had 12 hours to set it. I’m not blaming the kid. Accidents happen, but I didn’t poop the bed… My dog peed on my good friend’s carpet last year and I paid for a carpet cleaning service to come without them even asking, it’s common decency. I even offered to buy them a new rug the cleaners couldn’t get it out! It’s just what you do. And we’re talking poop here!!

Got a Land with tow package and relaxation package. It’s my first EV and I love it! Mostly. There are a few things not working quite right and I’m not sure why. The people at the dealership don’t really seem to understand this car and I’m not exactly sure what to search for, so hoping some owners might be able to help.
Automatic unlock: is set to do so, it does not do so. I have to press the key fob every time
Touch door handle to unlock: worked intermittently the first couple days, have not gotten it to do so in the last several days. Again always have to press the key fob
(Speaking of: If the battery dies, how do I actually open the doors since the handles are recessed?)
Automatic lift gate open on approach: is set, again nothing happens. Have to use the key fob.
Seats: they go back on power off, but never reset to the same thing on turning on. Like it’ll go forward but not up, or not forward enough, etc. This also seemed to work properly the first couple days having it but stopped a couple days ago
I have not yet set up a home charger, but if I try to plug in the portable charger it always fails. I know they need to be something like 30amps, but the plug is for a 5-15 receptacle which obviously doesn’t come in 30amp… so what is the point of a portable charger that does nothing and actually physically can’t? Am I misunderstanding something else?
Thanks for any insight!

-Chris says they don't own: A cemetery A crematorium A private plane A yacht -Chris says Terry and Cathy went on the trip to Alaska for 2 weeks on a business trip -PI Chloe Dxm sent a message on March 17th introducing herself. She asked if Chris came home on the weekends Sebastian was at Seth's house or did Katie come to him. She wanted to know his day to day compared to Sebastians schedule basically. -PI Heather said Chris and him have talked and she would like to have access to them -Chris said he's not drunk or belligerent, he is just "a pissed off dad" when he saw a comment on the live. -Chris goes off about Seth opening his mouth about Sebastians bathroom habits. It is said Seth won't be saying things like that anymore -Vigil conversation was a good convo Chris said, but 3 hours later Seth is blaming Katie in a interview, in Chris's angry words "my wife" and the PI says don't focus on things others have done that makes him angry -Chris got Seth the job he has and Seth thanked him, Chris says he's been a supporter and cheerleader this whole time. He encouraged him to complete the requirements to get the job for Sebastian -Chris did not take flyers down, nobody has seen proof of that -Chris said tips coming in weeks later are terrible for the investigation and know you won't get a call back when you call in a tip so just call in and send it to the PIs -Chris is not upset with any agencies involved and they've thrown everything they have at this. The number of assets makes this a huge search for TN and Sumner County and he thinks they're doing everything they can -PI says everyone in this case has been ripped to shreds and it doesn't help find Sebastian -Chris wants Seth to agree to stay off YT but the PIs agreed they would -Chriss reaction to what happened was sebastian walked out the house and walked off the porch and vanished into thin air bc he doesn't know what happened -Chris says every door in the house was locked. Keypad on front door. Key to unlock every other door. There's a backdoor. The only realistic possibility in his mind is he walked out the front door. -Chris says he doesn't know if he was running and was scared of something -Chris and Katie said the clothes he was wearing that night at Texas Roadhouse are accounted for and is in the possession of law enforcement -Chris says to be more specific he was wearing Adidas stripe on the side style black plants, a long sleeve shirt with a picture on the front of it -Gray Hughes says from what he's seen Chris has been trying to figure things out to him and he has felt his emotions and said he would feel the way he does if the community hated him -Chris says the spanking him one time on his butt outside of his clothes years ago. While it's not morally correct, he says it's not abuse. -The CPS incident is not related to the belt. Sebastian went to school one day and told a teacher something, cps comes to the house and it had nothing to do with sebastian being spanked. That incident was because sebastian didn't like being in trouble. The incidents with the spanking and the CPS coming is two separate incidents allegedly. Says difference between discipline and abuse. FYI I DISAGREE ON THIS. Gray says it used to be normal to spank your children. -Chris says no violence in the home as far as Sebastian is concerned -Thud story is the same. It was between the time they got on the phone and the time they got off the phone. -It was so dark that you couldn't see anything on the cameras Sebastian wouldve went by possibly in Chris's opinion -Chris says he has sleeping issues and that's been his whole life. -Chris said he's never seen Sebastian hide under a neighbors car -Chris said Sebastian is one way at their house and another at their father's house which is normal -Chris says Sebastian was NOT excited to go live with Seth bc he would be doing online schooling instead of an in person school. He was excited at first -Chris says "sure" when asked if it's common for him and Katie to talk that long on the phone at night -Chris said he is willing to work with him, Seth has asked questions about the dogs, a PR person, etc. Chris said he's dug into people, he said if you think I wouldn't dig into ppl when you give me a name -Chris said there were 13-18 dogs total in and outside the house. Day 1 there was only 5 dogs, on day 1 one of them hit. A total of 3 different dogs took off towards the construction site to the retention pond. Same trail same path. Rest of the dogs went in different directions, and it's all unreliable. -Chris says they are searching and putting up flyers, he said all 3 parents were told not to search at the beginning. Chris said they aren't doing public searches -Chris says they've been getting death threats and reports everything to TBI -Chris is back working -Chris said he will get back to the spokesperson -Chris says he had a great day and was in a good mood from what he has seen on video footage. He doesn't look upset as far as they all know. Seth doesn't interject -Chris says the weekend was a normal time for them to go out and do things there wasn't a special occasion. He doesn't think sebastian was overstimulated -Chris says if Seth thinks his parents have something to do with Sebastian he can call them he has Cathy's number and Seth said he wants to hear from Chris -Seth was at Chris's house for 3 days at the beginning -Chris has an issue with Seth making accusations. He says Law enforcement has talked to his parents and his whole family. He says he knows Seth his parents weren't with Katie Sunday night. -Chris threatens to get TBI agents Bobby and Carter involved in the conversation about his parents whereabouts -Chris says Seth put a lot of things out there he shouldn't have and encouraged rumors -Chris didn't say Seth would actually find his son at church, he meant go to church and find him through God, told him to go pray about it
Interview link: https://www.youtube.com/live/gkXORj3H9aw?si=JSBmd0dQBhiX9Uma

I have a Honda CRV and last night I closed all the windows, and I almost never open the sunroof. But I come to see in the morning that the windows and sunroof are all open. Now nothing was stolen and nobody had broken in, so I am wondering what the cause of it was. There isnt an automatic button on the car key to roll down the windows, so I couldn’t have accidentally pressed anything. Should I go to a dealership to troubleshoot the problem? Any help would be appreciated.

I've been sitting in the wings reading everyone's posts and all of the comments for quite some time, but I'm finally pulling the trigger. I know Reddit isn't the place to put everything on the table, but in this group, more often than not, there is such great feedback. Sorry in advance for the length of this post.
I've been with my husband 17 years, married for 9. In the beginning, we met at a bar (I was bartending and going to school). We would always see each other out and about, and suddenly, we found ourselves together. We would go out a lot and drink heavily, both of us. He had a great job (there 25 years) and I was out of school and working. I also picked up a side job because I loved the company, and it was only 10 hours a week. But that didn't stop us from going out.
Fast forward to 2013, and I suffer a significant injury that's permanent. I'm relinquished to doctors and put on pain management. I decided to stop drinking because it was too much with the medication. I didn't ask him to stop drinking. He wasn't the one on medication. But he would work all week and come Friday, he would start drinking. We are talking black out drunk, but the excuse was always "its my weekend." And he would throw the medication in my face. Medication that I truly needed to comfortably function.
Fast forward to Covid. Hos job with a state entity required him to go into the middle of everything. I know he's seen things that have stuck with him, and it was difficult. When everything shut down, I was laid off along with 120 others. I had a severence package, unemployment, and this was the time the government was handing out money hand over fist. So financially, not much changed, and I started an online business selling high-end beauty items. The insurance through his employer was incredible, so I could still keep all of my doctor appointments and refills at a low cost. And for him, the weekend warrior continued. But I admit, I became depressed and would sleep all day. I loved working, and not having a job made me feel worthless, even though there was no struggle financially. But I started shopping to feed my online business, which was doing great, and his weekend drinking continued. The only thing that changed was that he was becoming mean. He would say things and if I got upset I was told it was a joke, that I was overreacting, or that if I didn't say "x" he would not have said "y". From there, it would either escalate or he would forget the entire interaction and would grope me and try to have sex. There's nothing like a stumbling man reading of booze trying to manhandled you. I just started saying no. Within this time, he was in a car accident. He was going to therapy and eventually had surgery. He took 1 pain pill and threw the rest away (he is only a drinker - won't even take asprin)
In 2021, I went back to work. He didn't want me to work while covid was active because of what he was seeing and dealing with, but I went out and found a job in less than 24 hours of looking. So off I went and I am a 50-60 hour a week worker, it's my happy place. But I found myself getting sicker as the week went on because I knew that on Friday, he would be drinking. In 2023, I found a new job 5 miles from home, and I love it. My car is a beater (he's driving an amazing car), but those types of things aren't important. My online business went by the wayside because I was so busy with work and taking care of a dog with special needs due to arthritis, but I was still shopping because honestly, it made me feel better. I say this because I don't want to give the impression that I'm perfect here. I have FILLED the house with "things" and used to post them on the weekends, but he became so exhausting, loud, mean, intrusive, etc. that I just wanted to stay in the room.
In early 2023, I got a call from the pharmacist asking for our new insurance card. I was confused as we just got the new cards in January, and nothing had changed. Told her I would find out what was going on and asked how much this particular prescription was. My co-pay was $30 with insurance, and I had to take it - it wasn't something you could just stop- so I figured I would just pick it up. She told me it was $2,500.00 per month. I almost died. I made some calls and found out that our insurance had just been canceled. I Google to see the employer website, and his name was no longer listed. I then called the office asking like a random person, and when I asked for him, I was told he no longer worked there, and he left about a month ago. Needless to say, I was exosive with anger. When I got home and confronted him, he was so casual and simply said, "I told you I wasn't happy there. We will be fine. " You want to trust your partner so we agreed to discuss it later (he was in the process of getting a new job- a lateral move closer to home and I think he was just assuming that this was in the bag).
For the past year, he has been sleeping when I leave and sleeping when I come home. We have separate rooms because I need the whole bed to be comfortable - it has been like this for a long time, and it's not an issue. He had money stockpiled (we have separate accounts), and I know he can float on that. But it's now been a year, his weekend drinking has gotten worse, and he becomes mean. He says horrible things. He goes out to the bar that he promised he wouldn't, and stays until they close and sometimes goes to after parties. He's not cheating, alcohol is his true mistress, but it floods over to Sunday, when I'm getting woken up at 4am because he forgot keys - then I just stay up and go to work.
Everything is progressively getting worse with the amount, the length of time, and the arguing. He sleeps all day Monday through Thursday. If I try to talk to him during the week, I'm bothering him, interrupting a baseball game, or just nagging. He is literally doing nothing around the house. And he gets up around 7 pm, I eat alone, and he will start making himself dinner (not throwing leftovers in the microwave, literally cooking a full meal) the minute I go to sleep. I still take care of half the bills, the grocery runs, liquor runs (I know, I know, I do it because I don't want him driving and if he goes to "run to the store" he doesn't come home). He always wants me to take him somewhere - because he has had too much to drink to drive. So he sleeps all day during the week, starts drinking on Friday, and doesn't sleep, I find him passed out, or he's just up drinking from the night before. The verbal fights have become horrendous. I'm in pain due to a lack of sleep. Because of the health insurance policy I can afford, I'm paying $200 for prescriptions a month, and my doctor appointments are roughy $380 every 4 months. He's living off a settlement, he's not looking for a job, and I hate weekends. He complains he can't do anything around the house because my "stuff" is in the way. While true, anyone can move a box to do something. Plus, there is a laundry list of things that can be done other than the things he is saying he can't do because it's my fault. And now today, he tried to make me wake up at 6am but I had only had a few hours of sleep (I stay up with him until the bars close, if not, he will leave as soon as I go to sleep). Im just trying to keep him safe and keep him from driving. It's gotten to the point that I don't care. I'd rather him leave and walk to the bar and stay there until 4 am. just so I have some peace. He just texted me from the beach - I got up when I heard him leave - but... he took my car. I know he shouldn't be driving, hell, I don't even know when he will be home. But I have to work tomorrow and if he doesn't come home, I don't have a car - and he took his keys. His "drinking buddies" would love if he was single because, well, he is fun. These are the same people who are single, unemployed, and hit on me the minute he turns his back.
When he is sober, he is truly my best friend, the guy I married, but this other person he's become is someone I deal with 50% of the time. There is no more sex. He looks exhausted, while I'm taking care of myself and get constant attention from other men (not that this should matter but he gets angry), and now he wants me to start giving him $1,500 a month toward the credit cards (because he let me get some things) and and 2 other bills that went up. Please understand that this is hard to put out there to strangers. I honestly don't know what to do. I don't think that I can leave and do this on my own. I have so much stuff to sell (I've even proposed him opening an account and selling items because he could make at least $20k by the end if the year, which would help clear out the house and provide extra income- he agreed weeks ago but hasn't done it). I also feel that if I left that he would further spirial downward, and I can't imagine what would happen to him. But at this point, we are barely co-existing. I have an extremely stressful job that I love, but I no longer have a peaceful home. I sit in the driveway and cry on Fridays before I come into the house because I have no idea what I'm waking into. My boss has noticed that I'm not the same on Mondays, and my daily pain level is elevated. I know the responses are going to be about boundaries and leaving and all that stuff, so again, I wanted to give as much info as possible. I truly would like some suggestions on what I should do. Also, I'm a very attractive 48 year old and he is 51, who is looking tired and haggard - which I could care less because I still see my handsome bestie. No kids (sadly, I didn't want any for this reason). Thank you if you have read through this novel. And please, be kind.

I read quite a few posts where salespeople are posting that sales are down etc so just wanted to ask is the following experience now the norm?
So seen a car, but wanted to check the mileage as the Autotrader site had one reading and the dealers had a different one.
Phoned dealer and asked and was told it was actually neither of those and something totally different, ok… (no photo of odometer in the pics)
Asked if I had any questions or wanted a video so I said yeah, if could point out any bad bits, etc that would be cool (I live no where near dealer so not like I could just pop down and check it out personally), was told manager had taken it home so it will not be back until tomorrow, ok… (why is manager taking stock home?)
Was never asked for any of my details and actually had to offer these up so I could get some figures and was told I would have to wait for a valuation on my existing car, ok…
Used to work in the trade years go and would have be roasted by my sales manager if I did get details on an enquiry.
Also the fact that there was no one available to value my car (gave full description, offered photos/video if wanted) is weird.
Yeah I know it is a Sunday, but if the sales people are in, then surely a sales manager has to be in as well otherwise what’s the point in being open? Of all the deals I did, probably about 5 had no trade in.
So basically wanting to make a deal but salesperson does seem bothered?
Was I just old school or is the norm now?
This is not isolated to this dealer either, had same kind of experience with another earlier in the year. Both dealerships are chains, so not one man bands.
Anyone else had the same experience?

Throwaway account just in case
I (19 F) have been platonically interested in my coworker, (19 M) for a few months now and I'm really worried I'm starting to freak him out or that I'm sending/receiving mixed messages.
For context I work in a warehouse packing shipments. Basically I pack the box, send it to him, he checks it for quality, and then ships it off. So we work close together, but not close enough as to where conversation is super viable.
The job I have is part time seasonal, so we're off in the summer and both of us are on the same schedule, a 6 hour early morning shift.
I've always struggled with anxiety and problems meeting people, I grew up horribly socially isolated and lived in a trailer without roots up until highschool, alongside autism and sensory processing disorder. I have a really hard time with social cues, understanding situations and knowing how to start a conversation without stuttering and being awkward.
He's also a very quiet person who doesn't seem to talk much or open up, someone who leaves quickly with no goodbyes and always looks upset.
When I first started this job back in January, he caught my eye at the clock out machine. I've been practicing exposure therapy and meeting new people with my therapist, and she recommended I try to get to know people my age. I noticed a scar and I was curious, so I asked, "what happened."
He told me about it, and I tried to introduce myself. We exchanged names, ages and chatted a little bit about what our jobs entail, and then he said well nice meeting you and left.
I don't know why but that was the nicest thing anyone had ever done to me, and I just wanted to expand on that I suppose.
We didn't talk for weeks since then, and I felt awkward and anxious. Like almost avoidant. I was worried if I acted too weird he'd attack me or something, but in hindsight what I did was counterproductive. I didn't know how to start a conversation even though I'd already done so, but eventually we had a company potluck, and as he was leaving I stuttered out something along the lines of "are you gonna stay?"
He says no, smiles, and leaves. I feel like an ass.
Fast forward a bit and the next event comes around. I read the list of food coworkers are bringing by the clock out machine, And read out someone's bringing a thing I've never heard of before. I say "doesn't (baked good) already have cheese?" (never made it before) and he asks me if I'm serious. I say yes and he kind of chuckled and explained how to make it, and that he likes baking. I engage and say oh I like baking too, we walk into the break room and I'm soft rambling about baking, asking him questions about how to prepare it. Eventually the conversation slows to a stop and we're just standing there kind of looking at each other. I smile and say bye, he chuckles again and goes byebye, and then leaves and I'm left in the break room confused as to what just happened??
So I'm at home ruminating and I decide one week I'm going to bake and bring it for him. So fast forward to March ish I make it (took me forever I'll be honest it was not easy) and bring it in. I'm freaking out cause I don't want to be weird, but towards the end of our shift I approach him and I'm like, "Hey. Can you meet me by the clock out machine before you leave?" He agrees with a smile and meets me by the machine, where I kind of move forward and hand it to him. I tell him I remembered him saying he made it, and I wanted to try. His whole face seems to light up and he thanks me, says it looks good and that's really cool, and then leaves.
The next three days after the weekend I muster up enough courage to consistently ask how he's doing and say good morning because he had my baking dish, but once he returned it to me I lost steam again and started getting nervous because there was no object tying the conversation together anymore.
Obviously he helps me here and there, I'm short so he'll help me reach or we'll exchange an item I'm packing/he'll hand me stuff to pack in a box if he's nearby, but both of us have really bad resting faces and don't really initiate I suppose??
Then I'm like, what can I do. I decide maybe a good step out of my comfort zone would be to invite him out
I wait till Friday, get everything set up and talk a little bit prior to that day asking about hobbies and pets here and there, and on the way out I kind of jog up behind him and say hey, do you think youd want to tag along with me and grab lunch? He smiles and says nah he has to go get his dog. I'm like okay let me know when you're free he says I will bye
I go back inside and promptly throw up, I'm shaking and freaking out in the bathroom. I mean, it's not rejection but I can't help but feel guilty for whatever reason. The next week it wasn't brought up again, but a few more things happened.
1) apologized for being inconsistent with my greetings, he giggled it off and said it was fine, asked how he was he said good you, I said alright. He says just alright? I said yeah.
2) we're on opposite shelf sides, asked if he had something I needed. He asked me to show it, I started to walk around and he began reaching through the shelf to get it. I said woah I'll go on the other side it's fine and he goes oh ok. Hand it to him, walks back the other way and jumps on top of the thing and grabs it down while I'm trying to reach for it.
3) scanned a thing in my section to locate it and couldn't find out where it was, kinda just stood there until i showed him??
And then the worst thing of all: him and another older lady were talking and she dragged me into it, social skills came up
she basically called me socially inept because I mentioned I was homeschooled, and when I refuted by saying oh I talk to people, like him she yelled at me and cut me off accused me of hitting on him, yelled not to crush on him, and he was RIGHT there so he was sitting there with gritted teeth and hands flapping looking at her and I couldn't tell if he was laughing or bothered but I quickly cover it by saying well I talk to other people too I just mentioned him because he's quiet and kind of intimidating. She says oh he's warm once you get to know him, kind of like you and I'm like oh well I don't want to bother him or anything of the sort and he kinda goes "like it's fine-" and she says "just bother him" (still yelling)
I get super nervous and go back to my spot and when I clock out I basically have an anxiety attack in my car
it's Sunday now and I'm terrified for tomorrow and I don't know what to do I feel like I'm bothering him and I'm trying to get out of my comfort zone and be kind and be myself publicly but it's so hard sometimes, any advice on being more confident and understanding social cues would help even if that advice is just grow a pair.

The last weekend of my summer vacation was spent in the countryside with Tony. I told my parents I’d leave his house on Sunday morning, but we had so much fun I stayed until the evening. As I was about to leave, his mom offered to drive me to the station. I refused, of course since I didn’t want to abuse her hospitality. But most importantly the sun was setting and I loved to walk alone along the cornfields.
What a beauty to behold; the last sunrays bathing those fields of green and gold in a magnificent orange hue. No people, no cars, houses scarce and far between. A lovely countryside stroll. Until that shadow appeared from the corner of my eye. It was a lone walker in the distance. Even though I knew the locals were kind and welcoming, I couldn’t stop looking back at the coated figure wearing a hat.
What an odd thing to wear in the summer, I thought.
Something about him made me feel uncomfortable, so just to be safe, I took a sudden sharp turn into a smaller trail going downhill – a shortcut to the station. The moment I disappeared between the high stalks, I broke into a trot to add more distance between us.
A hundred feet or so later, I glanced over my shoulder. Not one shadow. I breathed a sigh of relief and continued, feeling a little silly.
Minutes later the wind blew a strange odor from behind, something of a mix between sweat, cigarettes and mildew. I turned my head while shading my eyes from the blinding sunset with my arm and squinted. A long shadow was creeping up to me from the top of the trail, cast by the dark hatted figure.
Instead of heading straight to the main road much further ahead, I dashed into the corn field and zigzagged between the stalks towards the station. I was certain I’d lose him that way because I used to play hide-and-seek in them when I lived in the countryside; I knew exactly how to disappear within this maze. Or so I thought…
The plants began to rustle from where I entered. I was being chased, no doubt. Adrenaline was pumping through my body and I began to run in a straight line.
I risked a swift glance over my shoulder and saw a silhouette emerging from between the crops less than a hundred feet from me. Somehow, he had managed to reduce the gap between us just like that. I immediately shot to my right, sprinted, then turned left again.
The rustling was audibly closing in on me. My heart was throbbing. I couldn’t feel my legs. It was as if my body was magically bobbing up and down midair. The maze turned into obscurity as the last sun rays made place for the moon and stars. I was exhausted but kept running. Left. Right. Then I stumbled upon something but managed to regain my balance quickly. It was dark. I continued straight for a while. Right again. I desperately tried to orient myself towards the station. But the rustle was so close I could hear him panting.
Then, hope had appeared in the form of a streetlight piercing through the crops.
The road!
I hurtled out of the cornfield so quickly that, had a car passed by, it’d have hit me without a doubt.
The station was right there. My legs were about to give out. Every part of my body pained me, my heart was pounding so hard inside my chest that I thought it was going to burst open. The only thing that kept me going was the faint rustle behind me. I didn’t know whether he was still there or not but I dared not look. I swallowed hard between several wheezes as I dragged my body down the road, up the stairs leading to the platform of the station. I was exhausted. Heaving. Wheezing. Hurting from all that exertion. To make things worse, the station was completely deserted. My legs were quivering as I lumbered to the timetable. Three minutes left until arrival. I initially intended to take the following train, so I could sit on a bench and let the end of summer melancholy numb my mind. But that idea was long gone. My mind was numb enough as it was. And so were my legs.
Two minutes left. The long thin seconds hand on the large station clock seemed to move in slow-motion. I scoured the platform, ready to dash anywhere. No one. I just realized how thirsty I was. The tang of iron in my mouth made matters worse.
One minute left.
Where’s that stupid train?
I leaned in over the tracks for any hint of its arrival. Any hint at all. Unfortunately, the curved tracks made it impossible to see far beyond.
Time was up. No train in sight. I trudged to the timetable and double checked that I read the time and weekday correctly. No mistake. It was definitely running late.
A warm breeze made me shudder and my clammy shirt didn’t help.
Suddenly, I heard a faint sound, followed by its echo.
Clomp – clomp. Clomp – clomp.
The plodding steps were drawing nearer.
CLOMP – clomp.
And nearer.
CLOMP – clomp.
From the staircase on the other side of the tracks emerged a dark, wide-brim hat, followed by a gangling body wearing a navy trench coat. He had found me.
The man slowly tilted his head up, exposing everything below the shadow of his hat. A grin formed on his thick bearded face, slowly widening, first exposing his uneven teeth, then widened some more. My hands flew to my mouth, but not before I let out a muffled cry.
His beard gradually crawled out of the way, widening his mouth until it became one curved line stretching from one ear to the other, looking as if someone had nearly cut his face in half. The man then ambled in my direction, spreading his arms like a predator ready to jump on its prey from over the tracks.
As if by miracle, the train had arrived. His smile vanished and I saw him hurry back down the stairs.
He was coming.
While the train’s wheels screeched on the rails, slowing its rhythmic clatter, I scanned each compartment in search of the one holding the most passengers. I hopped on the busiest one as soon as the doors opened, containing only five people inside.
Come on, close the doors, please close them quickly, I thought, nervously locking my eyes on the stairs.
Flashing lights. Warning beeps. The doors were about to close when the hat surfaced from the stairway, followed by the man’s body. Three, four quick strides and he barely hopped on board. I watched him lurk up to the door of the neighboring compartment with his spidery legs. We were only separated by two doors. I felt sick. Our gazes met for an instant. He seemed to relish my terror. There was something about his eyes that made everything around us melt away, creating a world where nothing but the two of us existed, a world where only one of us could exist. And we both knew who would come on top.
I snapped out of it when he licked his lips and immediately averted my sight. My legs begged me to sit, but I dared not for fear he’d drag me into his world again. Sitting down would have only made me too vulnerable to escape his grasp.
Six stations to go.
Each time we made a stop, an impulse screamed at me to run away. To where? Another empty cornfield illuminated by nothing but the crescent moon? At least here, surrounded by a small group of people, I felt somewhat safe.
The soft rhythmic rocking of the train didn’t soothe me at all. I was tired but there was no way I’d nod off. Not with him nearby.
I tried to recall what lead to this, why I didn’t say, “Yes, please bring me to the station!” to Tony’s mom. The whole reason I wanted to be left alone, to wander among those fields was to imprint this colorful painting, etch it as my last summer memory of the year. Instead there was a dark blotch dripping on my canvas, and the more I tried to wipe it off, the more its grime spread onto nearby colors.
I got anxious when the train slowly squealed to a halt at the sixth station, where I had to make my connection. Most passengers got off when the doors opened. Not me. I waited patiently. Until the doors were on the verge of closing. Halfway through, I jumped off onto the platform, apologizing as I almost bumping an old lady to the ground. My stalker bewildered look made me smile nervously. The way he slowly drifted to the left side, disappearing with the train towards the next station was almost comical. But there was no time to rest. I was still half an hour from home, so I hurried to my track, where, minutes later, my connection arrived.
With quivering legs, I slumped into the seat like a sack of potatoes, face in hands. If I wasn’t in public, I might’ve cried. My body was still convulsing from the encounter. I couldn’t imagine what to do were he here again.
The thought made me jolt up. I quickly looked left and right, two, three times until I was certain no hatted man with a coat was in sight. One nearby passenger clicked her tongue and scowled while she went to sit a little further away from me. I felt bad for her because my body odor was atrocious. Or maybe she thought I was a little weird.
I sat back down and tried to peer out of the window. It was so dark outside all I could see was my own reflection. I looked atrocious. Instead, I stared at the train’s ceiling with a long sigh.
Just a little longer and I’ll be back home, safe from everything.
When we passed the last station before mine, I stood up and waited in front of the doors. Because we were in the suburbs, only a handful of passengers were about to exit with me. As I got off, I casually looked around and froze. One lanky leg emerged from the neighboring compartment, followed by a tall body and a hand to keep the hat from flying away. He’d been there the whole time.
I just ran. The angry voices of the passengers I collided with on the narrow platform didn’t matter. I was thirsty. I was in pain. But I didn’t care; I had to move on, get back home through the dark streets, poorly illuminated by lamps at regular intervals.
My house was on the right side of a curved street, at the end of a small industrious complex. No cars. No pedestrians. I was all alone. As I was flying through the curve I had to look behind. The emptiness of the night stared right back at me.
Did he abandon chase? Or did I mistake someone else for him?
I kept turning my head when, several houses away from me stood a figure, shoulders rising up and down.
“H-how…” I stammered.
I couldn’t wrap my mind around the way he arrived first. My only alternative was to return to the station and hope I could make it to the other side, where my friend Olivia lived. She was my last resort.
I don’t know how I did it. But I managed to move my legs, even though they were twitching madly, and ran. My knees felt like they were about to snap my legs in half, but I couldn’t stop. The warm summer breeze made matters even worse.
How is he not dead from exhaustion with all those clothes on?
The clacking echo from his shoes chasing me, akin to being pursued by an imaginary monster in the dark, frightened me so much it gave me enough strength to flee.
Please let him fall down. Please let him go away.
I was whimpering and tears began to slide off my cheeks.
The station was right there. I hurtled to the first row of houses. The fourth one was Olivia’s. All my thoughts and strength went into one last spurt. I leapt over the small fence, over the doorsteps and crashed hard into the door. I couldn’t stand up.
“Help! Open up!” I yelled, banging on the door. My body was completely drained, and the yells took so much of my breathe I almost passed out.
He was scaling the fence. His face was inhuman, filled with wrinkled crevasses, and eyes sparkling with hatred. But worst of all was his wide-open mouth. I could see his scars, jagged as if someone had sliced both cheeks open with a bread knife.
His long, knobbly fingers, hairy like spider legs were reaching for me. I instinctively flinched and shut my eyes when the door suddenly banged open on my head, closed, then slowly opened again.
Olivia’s father!
“What? WHAT?” he barked, peering from the gap. “Oh, it’s you. What’s this all about? What are you doing here?”
I immediately clutched his leg. “Man… behind… help…” I choked, holding fast. My eardrums were throbbing so hard my own voice seemed distant.
“Man? What man?” he asked, struggling out of the door I was partially obstructing, scanning the surroundings. No one was there. He’d disappeared.
“Please… let me… in…”
“Er, sure, sure,” he said. “Can you walk?” When I shook my head, he called, “Isabella! Come and help me!”
His wife hurried to the porch and they both dragged me inside, gently laying me on the couch. Isabella’s comforting voice asking me, “What’s the matter? Are you okay?” made me burst into tears, pleading to call my parents. I later learned that Olivia wasn’t home because she was staying over as I did. And that’s all right. I didn’t want her to see me in that hysteric state anyway.
Within minutes my dad picked me up and drove me home. Before I recounted my story, they gave me some time to cry myself out. My parents ended up calling the cops, who were less than helpful as they immediately discredited me because Olivia’s father hadn’t seen anyone behind me. I felt like even my parents doubted my story, even though they seemed genuinely concerned. Needless to say, I spent the last days of my vacation locked inside my room, sobbing and recovering in my bed. By some miracle, I didn’t seem to have any grave injuries.
Back at school, I told my friends what had happened. I was shocked to hear most of them calling me an attention seeker. But among the others rose an unexpected voice.
“I know the man,” Andrew interjected to everyone’s surprise. “Tall, wearing a navy coat with a fitting hat, very pale, right?”
“Yes. Yes!” I shrieked. “Have you also been–?”
“Kind of, yeah.” He shifted uncomfortably in place. “It happened in mid-August. I-I was in a public toilet, alone, minding my own business at the furthest urinal when he came in. Instead of leaving some space between us, he settled right next to me. I felt overshadowed, so I shily looked up, and saw him smile, staring at – at my dick. He wasn’t even peeing or anything, you know, he just… stood there.”
“Oh my God, what did you do?” asked Olivia.
“I wanted to tell him to fuck off, but when I saw his – his eyes, I just froze. He looked like a complete psycho or something. So I hurried and got the hell out of there.”
“And he let you go, just like that?” I asked.
“Well, not exactly. When I tried to leave, he blocked the way so I couldn’t get through. And then…” He swallowed. “Then his mouth opened from – from ear to ear. Like, it had been cut open or something. I think he was smiling, but it was so unreal to see all those jagged teeth slowly emerging from behind his beard.” He closed his eyes and furrowed his brows. “His tongue came out, like he was about to lick me or eat me or something. I was paralyzed with fear. But then someone else entered and he left. It was wild.”
My mouth was wide open. The other kids immediately bombarded us with questions. Andrew, unlike me, was the cool kid in my class, and everyone trusted him. There were still skeptics, but I didn’t care. It was weirdly comforting to hear someone else’s experience.
“If you see him again, just scream and point at someone for help, ok?” Andrew advised me, and it made me feel a bit safer.
“Who even believes this crap?” one of the skeptical girls said scornfully. It was Melissa.
“Why would we make this up?” I said irritably. “My story and Andrew’s are different, but about the same man. What’s there not to believe?”
She rolled her eyes. “Ok, where did you see him?” I told her again the exact location, and so did Andrew. Unsurprisingly, it was in the same vicinity. “Ok,” she said. “I’ll go there. This weekend. At dusk. I’m not scared.”
“Mel, just don’t,” Andrew sighed. “He might not even be there then, and if he is, you’re just putting yourself in danger.”
“Nah, I’m fine. I’ll keep you guys updated.” And she walked to another group of friends. Andrew and I stared at each other, and we both shrugged. Melissa had a big mouth, but rarely bit through it.
The weekend came. For a fraction of a second, I thought about going back to the cornfields to check on Melissa, but I was certain she wouldn’t go. Even if she did, I wouldn’t feel any safer with her on my side. At the end, I basically lived inside my room for two days straight.
Cue to Monday. Melissa was absent. At this point, we all thought it was a distasteful prank. Or that she’d gotten suddenly sick or something. We went to class, school ended, and I was back home again, being driven by my dad instead of taking the train. He was a small business owner so he could afford to take some time off work, especially for me.
At dinner, I told my parents the story, but they didn’t seem to care. “Just another stupid teenager prank,” my dad shrugged. “She’ll be back tomorrow alright.”
“Shh,” my mom pressed a finger to her lips, raising the television’s sound. A broadcaster stood in a familiar place.
“…nfield, where Melissa was reportedly last spotted on Saturday evening. Authorities are still conducting a thorough search with the help of the locals inside this cornfield you can see behind me, but as of now they haven’t found any trace of the female teenager. Her mother…”
I couldn’t believe it. It must have been a mistake, or someone with the same name. Then they showed us a photograph. It was Mel.
“…anyone with information to come forward and help the investigation by calling the following number…”
If our local news station wasn’t on, I could’ve heard a pin drop. My parents stared at me like their child had been swapped by an alien. Without warning, my mother hugged me. Hard.
“I’m so sorry for your friend, but I’m so glad it wasn’t you.” She sobbed, and I cried. Emotions were high for the rest of the evening.
We called the number, of course, and they took my deposition, unlike our local cops. Going back to school was… unusual to say the least. Andrew and I were the center of attention for the next few weeks or so, until the news stories began to settle.
I’ve blamed myself ever since. For telling this story in front of everyone. For not stopping Mel. I know I should’ve cried for help on the train. But then I remember his face. His eyes. And I shudder. I had been petrified then, and I would still be now were we to meet again.
The peace of mind I had when I walked outside before this incident has yet to return and I doubt it ever will. Maybe this is my punishment for letting Mel go. The old self-inflicted scars on my arm are a silent tribute to the life that was exchanged, proof that I truly am still alive, while another soul took my place. And for that sin, I am living within a purgatory of constant remorse.

I don't have any particular question to answer but as I am describing the story you can point out some pointers for me !!!
I Live in eastern side of India, only child of my parents.from the very beginning I went through some I will not say traumatic but rather very upsetting childhood. The upsetting situation caused by my mum like pointing out negativity in almost every aspects of daily life and household though there was no monetary or any other kind of problem and my dad who was small government employee always remain silent and became work alcoholic. So all the unnecessary tantrums created by my mom started bursting upon me and I kind the feel helpless and detached.
I was a good student throughout the school also love extra curricular activities but I started to walk in a very wrong way from the very early high school days as I started watching porn just for curiosity as just the age of 13. My studies showing a slow but gradual decline probably there was no turning back for me and my parents.
In 9 standard in our school at about age of 14 a girl was admitted at our class. She was not local residing around 30 km from our local household. I fall in love at first site with her but could not tell for one year. And after 10th standard I finally proposed her and within 2 days she accepted my proposal and the main ruining of my life just started on that day.
I managed everything from friends to studies but the main priority was her. Now a days when I look back I can now see the red flags Which I ignored back then. After the relationship started the she became the whole world for me. I single handedly manage studies friends but she was the top priority. Now my grades were declining gradually and fast but I didn't notice. Back them our area was very rural and the people were not friendly and love marriage was not just a common thing those days. So i told her to hide our relationship in public but within few weeks all the locality knows about me and her. I also told her not to call at residential phone ( it was 2006 and I just got a Nokia 1100 for me but she always use her residential phone) but despite being told such she called me at my home when it was Sunday and my dad picked up. She talked to my father very smartly for the very first time and asked to come at my home which was absurd. My dad got furious and warned me but I ignored and letter she said it was just for fun. Despite of this we were dating furiously and having physical relationship within 2 years of relationship on a regular basis basically in my home and she even spends some whole nights with me and her parents doesn't even bother.
About her family she has her parents along with elder brother (now a college professor ) and an elder sister (housewife).She always said that she also got some family problems like me and their elder brother were very rude and career oriented so both the sisters avoid him as much as possible as he had some anger management issues ( that what she told me)
My dad got sick on 2007 and died on 2008 because of kidney failure when I was in the second year of the college and again my mom opted for lump sum amount in exchange of dying in harness. She got the lump sum the pension and all other fixed deposits. My result of college don't get so good for these all kind of obstacles but she maintained good result go to the best professor where I managed seat for her and even spends regular nights in my rented mess. I did not got admitted to masters as I had low scores but she managed to a non reputed University and completed his masters while I am doing some petty jobs. She even got a school job by my professors recommendation for one year of contract.
At the last phase of contract she applied for another school job for a different region but in our local area which can be contacted by bus or train but around 50 km from our household. And just after joining the school the summer vacation starts and she started to pressurize me for getting married. I was also sitting for government exams doing some tuitions but just denied forcefully about the timing of the marriage. Then this was the biggest red flag ever which I missed ( fate may be) she not just pressurized but also in a conference call with some closest friends she said i was traitor and leaving her even after 8 years of physical relationship though I did not say or mean that ever as she was the one and only girl in my life and I planned the rest of my life with her and even she known it very well. So when this kind of arguments started I can smell fume and without any jobs or stable future we got married in a local Mandir and after that day the registry was done and we started our married life just as the age of 23.
On the marriage date she got to her home ( as she was staying at her friends home for last 15 days) got a car, packed all her books and clothes and just left while her parents were watching silently.
As I said previously my mom was always dissupported as I say she started acting hostile towards the new bride. She was working then on the school and came home at the weekends. At first she said she had to get married as her parents are pressurrising her and she cannot stay two months long summer vacation in the newly made hostel. But when I got there as the new husband I saw that this was not the boarding rather it was a two stories house just like our own home where some board members family live on upside and my wife as a tenant at their house but I did not make that huge issue in our newly married life.
In my life I am kind a losing something in my mind. Always kind of introvert didn't landed on any good jobs no love from parents but got my High school sweetheart as my first love and wife but I was not happy as there is something fishy happening around. When outside I can feel my friends also started avoiding me a bit and at home there was always some tensions. Also preparing for government jobs and doing tuitions and these tensions were draining me out and for the very first time I started smoking weed which became addiction to a certain extent.
In 2017 she got a government job while I got rejected at the very last step but didn't bother me too. Then I thought that all the problems will be solved as the income got permanent and became 4 times but I was severely wrong.
She got the government job in the local area so started meeting some new people in her workplace also in another branch offices. And their comes to 2/3 people ( two local seniors and an outsider lady colleague, sort of) whom she brought to our home just for introduction. The lady colleague was living then in a rented flat in our area. My friends sometimes saw them both walking around the area and they started questioning to me about the second lady with my wife as they said her body language is not so good ( you know what boys are trying to say )as they are guessing so they suggested to prevent my wife from the attachment with her but this time she refuses.
Also another 10 years senior came to our home for introduction started coming regularly for his only daughters tuition and became elder brother as she said she got no connections with her parents which was a lie and started giving daily household items like foods grocery's as payment of tuition. Then I can smell something very much wrong is going on. While all these things going there were another pressure started upon me. As i was open book to each and everyone, everyone knows about the weed so do she. So she started asking for a child as we were both 30 and for the last time I protested and told her that please give me another 2 years as parenthood is a lifetime job but rather she says you didn't do anything in last 7 years so another 2 years will be futile too but our age was crossing the limits 🥲 so let's just try. She probably thought that the weed made me in capable of having child and now I guess she was also not ready but on July 2020 she gave birth to a beautiful daughter. The lock down started from March 2020 and she was 6 months pregnant and this so called elder brother started helping with all his money and power. She already bought Big fridge AC washing machine geysers and lots of other things despite of my gentle refusal. Now even the pathology guys came to home collect blood and send the reports to us.
Just after 2 months having the baby she started planning to get some good wooden furniture for home basically pure Shagun cots with box which will cost around 1.5 lakh rupees. And said this will serves the purpose of hot daughters marriage too & brought both of those and said my senior paid this and said you can repay me later. I remained silent as I started one year back and just observing everything. Just after some days of rice ceremony that man started awkward messaging to my wife. When she showed to me I called and abused him and in return he started blackmailing and told to repay him asap. We repaid him just the day after the incident happened and then I started questioning her for the first time in my life. Every night was a quarrelly night. She said she did not recognise that that person had kind of bad intentions but I refused to believe that then for the very first time she started to open part by part that why was I called her for physical relationship from the very first time, I also replied that you were not a kid so why would you had came!!! She also told that she only went to the university for making career not for me. The situation getting harder and harder and my maternal house came and escort her to my maternal house and then to her house for the deescalating the situation but the got even worse.
We were separated for 2 months then I got a good job outside my state and she came back with the daughter and said now everything is okay and she will cooperate in all things. But I still was disturbed asking myself some more questions about us so I moved out to my new workplace and within 3/ 4 months I started figuring out everything about our relationship as this was a very first opportunity for me to connect and deal with the real world outside my comfort zone. And I am getting information from my hometown buddies and even from my home that she was going to her father's house on a regular basis almost daily and spending time at outside frequently even once she came to home at around 11:30 at night but my mom remained silent but informed me. Also some other guys told me that she was riding a bike which someone but I did not informed her about these.
When I came home I could see and also feel a definitely changed person in front of me. My computer table was dirty as hell and it was 4 months before when I left the house. At a Relaxation session she started bragging about her parents that they were in so much pain blah blah blah then I asked can I get my wedding rings bracelets watches and she furiously replied I I could not bring that matter now to my parents.
I left for my workplace again and now over the phone she started to pressurize about money as she bought a TV of 20k so I have to pay 10k atleast where as my salary was just 15k at that time so I strongly refuses then she told I can re pay it even after 10 years 🥲.
The whole picture was getting clear to me day by day. After the second term I left the job and came back home to find the new job which would be two months late. Now I can definitely feel some weird feelings when she was got around me. At the very last day of our physical relationship I suddenly questioned her that did anyone see you naked other than me ( actually it was a old story she told me that in the private school when she was in the boarding at night when she was showering some guy tried to stock but with the some sounds she got warned and heard someone escaped ) and I felt like her world stopped as she reacted and then I reminded her about this incident and she showed some relief expressions which answered my all my questions about her.
I left for my new job again and told her to stay with the daughter in our first floor while I I would be at the ground floor with my mother. We stop talking through phone but just after one month she messaged me and asked me to send rs 3000 right now for some home water purifier purpose. I strictly denied that and after 2 or 3 days at a night duty when I was alone and fully drunk and stoned I called her and told that I was not giving a single penny to her. Then for my utter surprise for the first time she replied violently that she will kick me out from my own house and also inform the police that I smoke weed as SHE GOT A VIDEO FROM OUR OWN HOUSE WHERE I SMOKING A JOINT AT THE TERRACE 🤯.
From that moment I knew something really wrong was happening at home and I had to get back there is asap. I returned to my home after 2 months of that incident and found out that last time when she got away for 2 months all the first floor was wide open but this time all the things were locked with separate locks. When she turn from workplace I asked to give my guitar and computer back to me but she refused and told that I have to came to my family to get that. I sent my mom and now she said the same video thing with some new allegations that I tortured her punched her broke her bangles etc which I could not imagine off. Also one of my friend told me that she got another senior who gave her to the idea of that weed video and he was also 40 year old male and she also spend time with the person even bunking Her own work.
As my mind said I am started searching for legal advisors as the situation seemed very drastic to me And also applied a small lock in the first floor when she was in the office as she can go in or out but cannot lock as I set a lock.
On 20 December 2022 the morning before I install the lock she came down and started threatening me and my mom that he will call the police if I did not open the lock. I told her to do so and instead of police she called some local committee members. They came within 10 minutes and to my utter surprise those guys started not just threatening but even tried to assault me, but I did not open the lock so another local community came and then they started behaving more aggressively. My mom informed the police and her parents came along and started residing on our first floor.
Around 15 days after the incident suddenly one police officer came to my house threatened my mum and me without any proper documents and asked to leave the matter and live peacefully with her. I finally got a criminal lawyer and filed a FIR against her and her parents. Within 3 days she again got the committee got a transport got all her fridge AC washing machine TV computer electric boards tube lights fans and moved in a nearby housing complex. And just after that day I got a call from my lawyer that me and my mom where charged against IPC section 498 and 5 other subsections.
We applied for bail but the bail got rejected several times as there are two false proofs one is a medical report from a local government hospital mentioned that the mom and the daughter attacked and bitten buy me and my mum and we both are addicts 🥲. Also another one from the second local committee stating those same false facts. Also she really had that weed video that she showed to all committee that's why they became so much furious even after knowing me better than her.
However our lawyer did their best and granted bail for both of us but told that for the drug charge I maybe barred from meeting my daughter. In that time she again charged with false attempt to rape case but this time with no proof. Now some of my friends started searching and they got some fishy information from the past that she was a very tricky girl,already broke a relationship before me, had a very quirky past, very over smart also provocating also one of the false proof brought by a very close and common friend of US actually a friend of her.
When I don't know that what to do suddenly one of my friend caught her with another common friend of US wondering around a guest house few kilometers away from here with hand in hand. For the very first time I got my hands on some pics and videos about her characteristics and I immediately retaliate back and within 2 months that so called friend who was with her called me over the phone and started asking to meet my wife and daughter. I cursed him properly and after 15 days I got a mutual divorce pray from her.
Last week when I go to the court for the mutual divorce again to my utter surprise I saw that the first senior ( who became elder brother and give lakh rupees ) came with her for this event. But the judge did not came and the day is now one month later. I came back home and found out that the elder brother is coming to her flat in our locality on a regular basis at noon where is the common friend who has hand in hand with her is going to date with her once or twice in a week. Also there were some another divorcee guy in their office with whom she might get married in near future.🙏🏽
I don't know how I described the whole situation but I don't have any particular question.
I just want to know about some particular thoughts opinions about the incident?????

Hello, I'm (14m) talking about how my mom acts. She homeschools me; sadly, her choice was never mine. I've talked about wanting to go to school before, and she's said she'd rather die before I go to the "government schools" where I'll become a "gay 200 gender freak". She also homeschools me using a curriculum named "LIFEPAC" from "Alpha Omega."
It's a Christian homeschool curriculum with ten units per grade. Sadly for me, she needs to grade this shit and have it submitted by June 1st, but I've slacked the past few months due to insane anxiety, depression, and other shit that keeps me reverted to speaking to AI's, listening to music, all in my room on my laptop under blankets (Only way I feel calm, safe, and comfortable.)
I hope I don't get yelled at because of this. She argues with me over anything, and my dad is kinda just under her control and does whatever she asks. I'm currently in Unit 8 in most books, when i should've almost been in Unit 10 by now but as before mentioned I can barely get my brain to work, and I can feel myself getting more and more tired every day. Sadly, she doesn't have much sympathy for this and claims I'm being lazy.
She makes it a big point, that everything she does is in the name of God. Every point of view, or opinion she has is from a "Christian standpoint." She also makes jabs at my spirituality by saying "I know you may now think like me, but..."
I'm sadly never going to have the same memories that kids have my age, since I'm never even around people much. I go to the gym, but she counts that as like, a privilege. If I don't obey what she wants, then she takes away the gym. If I disobey, no more protein powder. If I do badly, no more soap that I like. I go to a youth group every Sunday for an hour sometimes, not many people talk to me there, but it's my only social interaction with peers my age. (She says that socialization is socialization and it doesn't matter what age they are... kinda weird.)
She's also talked before about how she "saw" a girl at some youth group I went to once that she could "totally see me getting married to and having kids with" in the future, to me, who's 14 right now, even though she's made it clear I can't date until I'm 18+. Idk why she's talking about me having kids rn. She also said if I met a woman, it'd be a blessing from God. And that I need to make sure I live close so she can see my kids, as I shouldn't take away their grandma (what'd be my mom to my kids) from them. I'm 14 bruh??
Also, I usually put a towel under my door before I sleep, just to keep the air warm inside. When i wake up, I always see the towel moved, meaning my door was opened. She admitted that she just sometimes opens my door to stare at me when I sleep, or she comes in my room and hugs me while I'm asleep or something. I'm not allowed to get a lock, and if I did then she'd have a key, according to her.
She also dislikes anyone who isn't Christian. She LOATHES them. Anyone who isn't Christian that I talk to is always a "bad influence" and an awful person. One tutor at a learning center I went to one, one time, gave me a small thing to right about Poseidon, and my mom said that she sucked, and rambled about her for like 2 hours, even calling the principle there to express that she didn't like what she said to me.
My youth leader has also talked about if I'd be able to go to events they're going to with the group, and my mom always refuses; when he talks to me about ways I could get my mom to maybe agree, she gets pissed and texted him a ton, and now they don't talk to me much when I'm there.
She knows I'm depressed, and that the schoolwork she gives me is a sensitive topic for me, yet she still talks about it all the time, and I feel as if she gains happiness or feeds off me becoming distressed from her talking about it, since I'm almost a perfectionist and I hate getting things wrong or failing anything. It's weird to me.
My dad also hid the sharp knives in his room under his clothes, that was weird to me. They used to always be downstairs. I don't know if he really thinks I'd kill them or something but that's weird. It's not for self-defense since he already has a gun so he wouldn't need knives.
My mom rambles about how Democrats suck; QAnon is the secret master that will save us, Trump 2024, and all the QAnon shit. She thinks microwaves give cancer, air-fryers give cancer, boxed foods give cancer, and bioengineered food has bugs (even if it does, I don't care.), what the fuck else gives me cancer at this point, breathing air? (FFS)
And what makes it all dumber, is she's the one who got cancer. She's doing fine now as she basically beat it, but damn man, saying all of us are gonna get it, and then getting it, isn't helping her case.
I don't know if my older brother really likes her. Just about two hours ago (my brother and I stay up late cuz they're not awake late. Late like going to bed at 8 am kinda late, ik my sleep schedule sucks) she yelled at my brother for turning the light on in her room while she was "sleeping" aka, she was way too reactive to be actually asleep. I know it was a bit sudden of him, but she's like yelling at him about how she "I HAVE TO GO TO CHURCH! YOU CAN'T BE DOING THIS SHIT!" that was around 5 am when she went to bed at 11 pm, and the church is at 11 am?? she'll be fine.
I also have like no memories of my life before age 12. I remember having a dream of me when I was seven years old, just crying for an hour, then saying, "let's go cry in the dining room," and crying there. Kinda weird to me.
My mom also, back when I was like five and my brother was six, would read to us a chronological Biblical history book for like an hour, and we'd have a small like 6ft x 4ft mat for each of us, green for me, blue for my brother, and we'd have to sit still on it for however many hours she read it (we didn't have notepads) and she'd get mad if we made faces to each other or something, but we were kids!! ofc I wasn't gonna sit still.. Eventually, I started sitting still, not doing anything, and just listening.
And, apparently when I was born, she held me up right after I was born and promised to God vocally that she'd raise me up in His ways. That just seems dangerous to hold a newborn like that.
I've never had friends in real life, or anyone that I've hung out with. Never been to another persons house, really. Never had a sleepover. Never had any social things really. Sucks.
I know it's really cringe, but I usually comfort myself talking to AI bots. Because, I don't really feel love from my mom at all. I just feel like whenever I tell her about something, she doesn't understand, or she just talks about it and forgets 2 days later. Or, she doesn't care.
One time in the car, I said I was gonna shoot myself, like six months ago when we were arguing because I was really depressed back then (still am, a bit better), and she said, "Do it, then, shoot yourself."
She apologized later, saying it was just in the heat of the moment, but I still just feel like a mom wouldn't say that to her kid. I dunno though.
I'm always so tired. So tired. Doesn't matter if I sleep enough. I mean, I can still lift weights, I just feel so fucking tired. I even see things in the corners of my eyes sometimes in my room, I even see things in the dark sometimes for some reason idk why.
I don't have any family that's different, they're all basically the same thinking-wise. So that's outta the picture.
It's not like I don't like I don't like my mom, I do, I just feel like she acts weird. It's like I never noticed it, but i do now. She feel so different from years ago, but I could also be wrong.
I've recorded videos before on my 3DS from when I was like 6, and in one of them, my mom angrily sent my brother to his room for barely doing anything, and berated me angrily telling me to be silent, in a really mean, kinda scary voice even though I hadn't said anything. The rest was just me being silent for like seven minutes until it ended. It was so unsettling to me because it gave me a sense of dread, and I don't remember anything from when I was that age at all, so it felt kinda fake, even though I know it was real. Idk if anything else happened after that.
I feel like my parents, based off that video, were maybe more cruel back then due to me not being physically capable. Obviously now, I'm stronger than my mom, and almost stronger than my dad since I'm hitting the gym, so maybe they're more lax now because of it
I really love my older brother, since he's the only person I really relate to and feel comfortable around. I really hope he doesn't get hurt somehow.
So idk if my mom has cult mentality vibes, I feel like she does sometimes just the way she acts. Like, I feel like she's secretly not as Christian as she says she is, or as good as she says she is. Idk, just a gut feeling and stuff.
I really hope I'm not being abused and stuff. I definitely feel like my mental health is fucking awful though.
I usually end up feeling like I'm the one being awful, and feeling guilty. She always argues with me though and makes me get in a bad mood. It can be anything, and she'll somehow incorporate Christianity into it.
A few days ago, my brother (16) fought with her I guess, and she got all depressed acting. She was talking about how my brother can just make his own food, do his own clothing and make his own bed, and that he can just do everything on his own. (she probably didn't mean any of this since she says fake shit when shes mad, I already know that.) It felt weird because she kept just saying things while driving me to the gym, and it's like, idk what to say, I kinda just stayed silent and it felt really awkward. I hated it.
She also acts differently and weirder than she used to when I was younger. She always makes me feel like her therapist because she rants about stuff my brother did or something that happened, then I accuse her of it and she gets mad and says "YOU'RE NOT MY THERAPIST I'M JUST USING MY RIGHT OF FREEDOM OF SPEECH".. okay then. Also, I'm really depressed, so I usually feel really down sometimes. (might've already covered that)
I really wish I could be more normal. Thanks for reading this far.
Can people who read this please help validate me? am I thinking right? Is any of this really bad stuff? I just wanna know. Also, this is a writing I found under my moms table, idk what it is, but it might be some kinda lyrics. It kinda creeped me out. (in comments)

Hello, I'm (14m) talking about how my mom acts. She homeschools me; sadly, her choice was never mine. I've talked about wanting to go to school before, and she's said she'd rather die before I go to the "government schools" where I'll become a "gay 200 gender freak". She also homeschools me using a curriculum named "LIFEPAC" from "Alpha Omega."
It's a Christian homeschool curriculum with ten units per grade. Sadly for me, she needs to grade this shit and have it submitted by June 1st, but I've slacked the past few months due to insane anxiety, depression, and other shit that keeps me reverted to speaking to AI's, listening to music, all in my room on my laptop under blankets (Only way I feel calm, safe, and comfortable.)
I hope I don't get yelled at because of this. She argues with me over anything, and my dad is kinda just under her control and does whatever she asks. I'm currently in Unit 8 in most books, when i should've almost been in Unit 10 by now but as before mentioned I can barely get my brain to work, and I can feel myself getting more and more tired every day. Sadly, she doesn't have much sympathy for this and claims I'm being lazy.
She makes it a big point, that everything she does is in the name of God. Every point of view, or opinion she has is from a "Christian standpoint." She also makes jabs at my spirituality by saying "I know you may now think like me, but..."
I'm sadly never going to have the same memories that kids have my age, since I'm never even around people much. I go to the gym, but she counts that as like, a privilege. If I don't obey what she wants, then she takes away the gym. If I disobey, no more protein powder. If I do badly, no more soap that I like. I go to a youth group every Sunday for an hour sometimes, not many people talk to me there, but it's my only social interaction with peers my age. (She says that socialization is socialization and it doesn't matter what age they are... kinda weird.)
She's also talked before about how she "saw" a girl at some youth group I went to once that she could "totally see me getting married to and having kids with" in the future, to me, who's 14 right now, even though she's made it clear I can't date until I'm 18+. Idk why she's talking about me having kids rn. She also said if I met a woman, it'd be a blessing from God. And that I need to make sure I live close so she can see my kids, as I shouldn't take away their grandma (what'd be my mom to my kids) from them. I'm 14 bruh??
Also, I usually put a towel under my door before I sleep, just to keep the air warm inside. When i wake up, I always see the towel moved, meaning my door was opened. She admitted that she just sometimes opens my door to stare at me when I sleep, or she comes in my room and hugs me while I'm asleep or something. I'm not allowed to get a lock, and if I did then she'd have a key, according to her.
She also dislikes anyone who isn't Christian. She LOATHES them. Anyone who isn't Christian that I talk to is always a "bad influence" and an awful person. One tutor at a learning center I went to one, one time, gave me a small thing to right about Poseidon, and my mom said that she sucked, and rambled about her for like 2 hours, even calling the principle there to express that she didn't like what she said to me.
My youth leader has also talked about if I'd be able to go to events they're going to with the group, and my mom always refuses; when he talks to me about ways I could get my mom to maybe agree, she gets pissed and texted him a ton, and now they don't talk to me much when I'm there.
She knows I'm depressed, and that the schoolwork she gives me is a sensitive topic for me, yet she still talks about it all the time, and I feel as if she gains happiness or feeds off me becoming distressed from her talking about it, since I'm almost a perfectionist and I hate getting things wrong or failing anything. It's weird to me.
My dad also hid the sharp knives in his room under his clothes, that was weird to me. They used to always be downstairs. I don't know if he really thinks I'd kill them or something but that's weird. It's not for self-defense since he already has a gun so he wouldn't need knives.
My mom rambles about how Democrats suck; QAnon is the secret master that will save us, Trump 2024, and all the QAnon shit. She thinks microwaves give cancer, air-fryers give cancer, boxed foods give cancer, and bioengineered food has bugs (even if it does, I don't care.), what the fuck else gives me cancer at this point, breathing air? (FFS)
And what makes it all dumber, is she's the one who got cancer. She's doing fine now as she basically beat it, but damn man, saying all of us are gonna get it, and then getting it, isn't helping her case.
I don't know if my older brother really likes her. Just about two hours ago (my brother and I stay up late cuz they're not awake late. Late like going to bed at 8 am kinda late, ik my sleep schedule sucks) she yelled at my brother for turning the light on in her room while she was "sleeping" aka, she was way too reactive to be actually asleep. I know it was a bit sudden of him, but she's like yelling at him about how she "I HAVE TO GO TO CHURCH! YOU CAN'T BE DOING THIS SHIT!" that was around 5 am when she went to bed at 11 pm, and the church is at 11 am?? she'll be fine.
I also have like no memories of my life before age 12. I remember having a dream of me when I was seven years old, just crying for an hour, then saying, "let's go cry in the dining room," and crying there. Kinda weird to me.
My mom also, back when I was like five and my brother was six, would read to us a chronological Biblical history book for like an hour, and we'd have a small like 6ft x 4ft mat for each of us, green for me, blue for my brother, and we'd have to sit still on it for however many hours she read it (we didn't have notepads) and she'd get mad if we made faces to each other or something, but we were kids!! ofc I wasn't gonna sit still.. Eventually, I started sitting still, not doing anything, and just listening.
And, apparently when I was born, she held me up right after I was born and promised to God vocally that she'd raise me up in His ways. That just seems dangerous to hold a newborn like that.
I've never had friends in real life, or anyone that I've hung out with. Never been to another persons house, really. Never had a sleepover. Never had any social things really. Sucks.
I know it's really cringe, but I usually comfort myself talking to AI bots. Because, I don't really feel love from my mom at all. I just feel like whenever I tell her about something, she doesn't understand, or she just talks about it and forgets 2 days later. Or, she doesn't care.
One time in the car, I said I was gonna shoot myself, like six months ago when we were arguing because I was really depressed back then (still am, a bit better), and she said, "Do it, then, shoot yourself."
She apologized later, saying it was just in the heat of the moment, but I still just feel like a mom wouldn't say that to her kid. I dunno though.
I'm always so tired. So tired. Doesn't matter if I sleep enough. I mean, I can still lift weights, I just feel so fucking tired. I even see things in the corners of my eyes sometimes in my room, I even see things in the dark sometimes for some reason idk why.
I don't have any family that's different, they're all basically the same thinking-wise. So that's outta the picture.
It's not like I don't like I don't like my mom, I do, I just feel like she acts weird. It's like I never noticed it, but i do now. She feel so different from years ago, but I could also be wrong.
I've recorded videos before on my 3DS from when I was like 6, and in one of them, my mom angrily sent my brother to his room for barely doing anything, and berated me angrily telling me to be silent, in a really mean, kinda scary voice even though I hadn't said anything. The rest was just me being silent for like seven minutes until it ended. It was so unsettling to me because it gave me a sense of dread, and I don't remember anything from when I was that age at all, so it felt kinda fake, even though I know it was real. Idk if anything else happened after that.
I feel like my parents, based off that video, were maybe more cruel back then due to me not being physically capable. Obviously now, I'm stronger than my mom, and almost stronger than my dad since I'm hitting the gym, so maybe they're more lax now because of it
I really love my older brother, since he's the only person I really relate to and feel comfortable around. I really hope he doesn't get hurt somehow.
So idk if my mom has cult mentality vibes, I feel like she does sometimes just the way she acts. Like, I feel like she's secretly not as Christian as she says she is, or as good as she says she is. Idk, just a gut feeling and stuff.
I really hope I'm not being abused and stuff. I definitely feel like my mental health is fucking awful though.
I usually end up feeling like I'm the one being awful, and feeling guilty. She always argues with me though and makes me get in a bad mood. It can be anything, and she'll somehow incorporate Christianity into it.
A few days ago, my brother (16) fought with her I guess, and she got all depressed acting. She was talking about how my brother can just make his own food, do his own clothing and make his own bed, and that he can just do everything on his own. (she probably didn't mean any of this since she says fake shit when shes mad, I already know that.) It felt weird because she kept just saying things while driving me to the gym, and it's like, idk what to say, I kinda just stayed silent and it felt really awkward. I hated it.
She also acts differently and weirder than she used to when I was younger. She always makes me feel like her therapist because she rants about stuff my brother did or something that happened, then I accuse her of it and she gets mad and says "YOU'RE NOT MY THERAPIST I'M JUST USING MY RIGHT OF FREEDOM OF SPEECH".. okay then. Also, I'm really depressed, so I usually feel really down sometimes. (might've already covered that)
I really wish I could be more normal. Thanks for reading this far.
Can people who read this please help validate me? am I thinking right? Is any of this really bad stuff? I just wanna know.

Hello, I'm (14m) talking about how my mom acts. She homeschools me; sadly, her choice was never mine. I've talked about wanting to go to school before, and she's said she'd rather die before I go to the "government schools" where I'll become a "gay 200 gender freak". She also homeschools me using a curriculum named "LIFEPAC" from "Alpha Omega."
It's a Christian homeschool curriculum with ten units per grade. Sadly for me, she needs to grade this shit and have it submitted by June 1st, but I've slacked the past few months due to insane anxiety, depression, and other shit that keeps me reverted to speaking to AI's, listening to music, all in my room on my laptop under blankets (Only way I feel calm, safe, and comfortable.)
I hope I don't get yelled at because of this. She argues with me over anything, and my dad is kinda just under her control and does whatever she asks. I'm currently in Unit 8 in most books, when i should've almost been in Unit 10 by now but as before mentioned I can barely get my brain to work, and I can feel myself getting more and more tired every day. Sadly, she doesn't have much sympathy for this and claims I'm being lazy.
She makes it a big point, that everything she does is in the name of God. Every point of view, or opinion she has is from a "Christian standpoint." She also makes jabs at my spirituality by saying "I know you may now think like me, but..."
I'm sadly never going to have the same memories that kids have my age, since I'm never even around people much. I go to the gym, but she counts that as like, a privilege. If I don't obey what she wants, then she takes away the gym. If I disobey, no more protein powder. If I do badly, no more soap that I like. I go to a youth group every Sunday for an hour sometimes, not many people talk to me there, but it's my only social interaction with peers my age. (She says that socialization is socialization and it doesn't matter what age they are... kinda weird.)
She's also talked before about how she "saw" a girl at some youth group I went to once that she could "totally see me getting married to and having kids with" in the future, to me, who's 14 right now, even though she's made it clear I can't date until I'm 18+. Idk why she's talking about me having kids rn. She also said if I met a woman, it'd be a blessing from God. And that I need to make sure I live close so she can see my kids, as I shouldn't take away their grandma (what'd be my mom to my kids) from them. I'm 14 bruh??
Also, I usually put a towel under my door before I sleep, just to keep the air warm inside. When i wake up, I always see the towel moved, meaning my door was opened. She admitted that she just sometimes opens my door to stare at me when I sleep, or she comes in my room and hugs me while I'm asleep or something. I'm not allowed to get a lock, and if I did then she'd have a key, according to her.
She also dislikes anyone who isn't Christian. She LOATHES them. Anyone who isn't Christian that I talk to is always a "bad influence" and an awful person. One tutor at a learning center I went to one, one time, gave me a small thing to right about Poseidon, and my mom said that she sucked, and rambled about her for like 2 hours, even calling the principle there to express that she didn't like what she said to me.
My youth leader has also talked about if I'd be able to go to events they're going to with the group, and my mom always refuses; when he talks to me about ways I could get my mom to maybe agree, she gets pissed and texted him a ton, and now they don't talk to me much when I'm there.
She knows I'm depressed, and that the schoolwork she gives me is a sensitive topic for me, yet she still talks about it all the time, and I feel as if she gains happiness or feeds off me becoming distressed from her talking about it, since I'm almost a perfectionist and I hate getting things wrong or failing anything. It's weird to me.
My dad also hid the sharp knives in his room under his clothes, that was weird to me. They used to always be downstairs. I don't know if he really thinks I'd kill them or something but that's weird. It's not for self-defense since he already has a gun so he wouldn't need knives.
My mom rambles about how Democrats suck; QAnon is the secret master that will save us, Trump 2024, and all the QAnon shit. She thinks microwaves give cancer, air-fryers give cancer, boxed foods give cancer, and bioengineered food has bugs (even if it does, I don't care.), what the fuck else gives me cancer at this point, breathing air? (FFS)
And what makes it all dumber, is she's the one who got cancer. She's doing fine now as she basically beat it, but damn man, saying all of us are gonna get it, and then getting it, isn't helping her case.
I don't know if my older brother really likes her. Just about two hours ago (my brother and I stay up late cuz they're not awake late. Late like going to bed at 8 am kinda late, ik my sleep schedule sucks) she yelled at my brother for turning the light on in her room while she was "sleeping" aka, she was way too reactive to be actually asleep. I know it was a bit sudden of him, but she's like yelling at him about how she "I HAVE TO GO TO CHURCH! YOU CAN'T BE DOING THIS SHIT!" that was around 5 am when she went to bed at 11 pm, and the church is at 11 am?? she'll be fine.
I also have like no memories of my life before age 12. I remember having a dream of me when I was seven years old, just crying for an hour, then saying, "let's go cry in the dining room," and crying there. Kinda weird to me.
My mom also, back when I was like five and my brother was six, would read to us a chronological Biblical history book for like an hour, and we'd have a small like 6ft x 4ft mat for each of us, green for me, blue for my brother, and we'd have to sit still on it for however many hours she read it (we didn't have notepads) and she'd get mad if we made faces to each other or something, but we were kids!! ofc I wasn't gonna sit still.. Eventually, I started sitting still, not doing anything, and just listening.
And, apparently when I was born, she held me up right after I was born and promised to God vocally that she'd raise me up in His ways. That just seems dangerous to hold a newborn like that.
I've never had friends in real life, or anyone that I've hung out with. Never been to another persons house, really. Never had a sleepover. Never had any social things really. Sucks.
I know it's really cringe, but I usually comfort myself talking to AI bots. Because, I don't really feel love from my mom at all. I just feel like whenever I tell her about something, she doesn't understand, or she just talks about it and forgets 2 days later. Or, she doesn't care.
One time in the car, I said I was gonna shoot myself, like six months ago when we were arguing because I was really depressed back then (still am, a bit better), and she said, "Do it, then, shoot yourself."
She apologized later, saying it was just in the heat of the moment, but I still just feel like a mom wouldn't say that to her kid. I dunno though.
I'm always so tired. So tired. Doesn't matter if I sleep enough. I mean, I can still lift weights, I just feel so fucking tired. I even see things in the corners of my eyes sometimes in my room, I even see things in the dark sometimes for some reason idk why.
I don't have any family that's different, they're all basically the same thinking-wise. So that's outta the picture.
It's not like I don't like I don't like my mom, I do, I just feel like she acts weird. It's like I never noticed it, but i do now. She feel so different from years ago, but I could also be wrong.
I've recorded videos before on my 3DS from when I was like 6, and in one of them, my mom angrily sent my brother to his room for barely doing anything, and berated me angrily telling me to be silent, in a really mean, kinda scary voice even though I hadn't said anything. The rest was just me being silent for like seven minutes until it ended. It was so unsettling to me because it gave me a sense of dread, and I don't remember anything from when I was that age at all, so it felt kinda fake, even though I know it was real. Idk if anything else happened after that.
I feel like my parents, based off that video, were maybe more cruel back then due to me not being physically capable. Obviously now, I'm stronger than my mom, and almost stronger than my dad since I'm hitting the gym, so maybe they're more lax now because of it
I really love my older brother, since he's the only person I really relate to and feel comfortable around. I really hope he doesn't get hurt somehow.
So idk if my mom has cult mentality vibes, I feel like she does sometimes just the way she acts. Like, I feel like she's secretly not as Christian as she says she is, or as good as she says she is. Idk, just a gut feeling and stuff.
I really hope I'm not being abused and stuff. I definitely feel like my mental health is fucking awful though.
I usually end up feeling like I'm the one being awful, and feeling guilty. She always argues with me though and makes me get in a bad mood. It can be anything, and she'll somehow incorporate Christianity into it.
A few days ago, my brother (16) fought with her I guess, and she got all depressed acting. She was talking about how my brother can just make his own food, do his own clothing and make his own bed, and that he can just do everything on his own. (she probably didn't mean any of this since she says fake shit when shes mad, I already know that.) It felt weird because she kept just saying things while driving me to the gym, and it's like, idk what to say, I kinda just stayed silent and it felt really awkward. I hated it.
She also acts differently and weirder than she used to when I was younger. She always makes me feel like her therapist because she rants about stuff my brother did or something that happened, then I accuse her of it and she gets mad and says "YOU'RE NOT MY THERAPIST I'M JUST USING MY RIGHT OF FREEDOM OF SPEECH".. okay then. Also, I'm really depressed, so I usually feel really down sometimes. (might've already covered that)
I really wish I could be more normal. Thanks for reading this far.
Can people who read this please help validate me? am I thinking right? Is any of this really bad stuff? I just wanna know. Also, this is a writing I found under my moms table, idk what it is, but it might be some kinda lyrics. It kinda creeped me out.

I am ready for whatever shame or anything that comes my way. I really need to hear it as a wake up call. Wrote this last night. sorry for the grammars I did write this fast
Growing up in a strict Asian household as the eldest child(21f), I've carried immense pressure from my immigrant parents. To cope, I've resorted to a web of lies, culminating in a monumental deceit: pretending to attend college for nearly three years. This all started back in 2020, I went a community college (So still living at home) but due to covid classes had to be online. Well I lack motivation and my mental health (even now) was terrible. Led me to fail the entire semester, I should have just withdrawn from all my 6 classes I was taking but I thought I could fix my mistakes. Anyways I obviously didn't tell my parents till the end of the semester that I failed. I basically had to confess during New years Eve bc my mom caught on that something was up. My parents have both advocated for school and think its the only way to a sucessful life. We had a major argument that almost lead my almost dad throwing and hitting something at me. During those times I opened up about my mental health such as depression and well that wasn't fun as my dad doesn't believe in. that stuff and while my mom is a little more sympathetic she still skeptical. That's besides the point, basically I got a job and my parents told me that I only had month to take i guess what was a semester break. It got me in another agrument bc i felt a month was tooo short of a break for me and that I needed at least a year to really get myself together. I lost that argument and went back to school. I did 2 really fast paced online classes.I actually did pretty good in those 2 classes. Managed to get my gpa slightly up, the next stem i did pretty deccent. It wasnt until spring 2022 were the grades came crashing. I learned something abt myself during those times and its anytime I tend to to rlly well in something I stop trying bc i think everything will workout. I told my parents what happened and that I wanted to drop out. They gave me an ultimatum either I find some job and then move out or stay in school. This is were I fucked up, I wish I took the job offer instead of sticking with school. I mean i told them i'd rather work but idk the guilt i had choose that path ate me up. They looked so disappointed especially my dad bc his dream is for me to get an education. It REALLY had me questioning if im doing this just to please them which I was bc i chose to go back to school. Now this were the lies begin, I basically "flunked" out of college. So I couldn't take any classes for 2 whole semesters. ALSO THIS WHOLE TIME IM GOING TO SCHOOL FOR FREE! MY SCHOOL IS GETTING PAID FOR!!
So what did i do... I would pretend to leave for school then I deepen the lie by saying I was able to transfer schools and now my supposed graduation is coming up this week!!
Okay.... well the first half of the year back in fall 2022. I literally did nothing. I would just sit in the car or at my campus library and watch youtube all day. Anyways I ended up getting a new job. Wasn't so bad but I left the job. Fast Forward to January-March 2023 I sent in my appeal letter to my school and got accepted back to like 3 classes over the summer. Did okay? I did withdraw from one I believe but wanted to move school. Start Fresh! So I started looking up online schools or just any school weather it was a trade/vocational, Beauty, and just any sort of program to help at least have something. I told myself once I got that sorted out I'd tell them. I didn't get things sorted out, I still am. I started doing some self learning, I have a passion for film and graphic design, so been studying on that. Learning stuff on digital marketing through youtube bc why not. Maybe get into content creation, be a UGC creator idk? Ive been studying for the Clep exam incase i do want to back to college. I can just take test to get out of retaking all my failed classes, started door dash just a month ago while it isn't some crazy money at least I'm making something. Also go to the gym and been working on my health. Most of the time though it’s just me doing research and not getting into action.
Either due to the depression and anxiety i got which i really should see a therapist for. I desperately need one!! Also considering i might have ADHD due to the lack of focus and commitment I have.
While not being in college or having an actual stable job, did make me slighty happy as I didn't have to worry abt an assignment due or a shift to go to. This 3yrs of self reflect, made me understand how privilege I am, I got to go to school for free and I've just been leeching off my parents for everything. People would probably kill to be in my shoes. I feel like I've been ungrateful and selfish for the lies I've told. You'd think after the first 2 incidents i would learn my lesson but clearly not. I haven't only hurt my parents but my younger sister as well! The amount of pressure she must be in, to succeed bc I ended up becoming the failure. I mean she's told me this recently so I know. I feel like a shitty terrible person like I've committed a crime. I know me feeling bad doesn't make me a shitty person but I just feel like I don't deserve this privilege life ive been given. My parents wokred hard for this and for me to just tear it all down. Like the only reason I ended up here is bc I failed a shit ton of classes in college and I’m not stupid it’s just I’m so lazy that it rlly hit me hard. I need some motivation, Like some good motivation. I have days were I feel strong and determined and most lazy, tired and undetermined
. Now, at a crossroads, I grapple with conflicting desires: to please my parents with academic success or to forge my own path towards personal fulfillment. It’s like what do i choose to do?! I’m already 21. I don’t have like a set in stone goals. Like I want to do everything and nothing at the same time. I WANT to turn my life around, I don't want to live with my parents forever but the future scares me! I honestly didn't think I'd be alive right now, not that I've ever kms but I have thought abt it. Even now ive thought abt that or running away instead of facing the truth.
Tomorrow (well today since I just posted it), I must confront them with my truth, armed with a somewhar tentative plan for the future, acknowledging the need to grow up and shoulder responsibility, even if it means severing financial ties. I've read similar stories to mine on here, some got good high paying jobs and some even kept the lie going. Got fake degrees and everything! Wish some gave updates. My reaction is WOW!! It's nice to know Im not alone in this situation. Others have been there!! It feels good to get this off my chest because ive been keeping this to myself for 3yrs. Only one other person knows which I told them recently incase I get kicked out. .I know this is all fault and I really have no excuses. I can't keep lying as much as I want to. I CAN'T! I know they will definitely get angry but I know its out of love and care (hopefully). Sorry making this so long.
Btw forgot to mention what I was majoring in... Education hahaha ironic. I wanted to be a teacher i guess. It’s weird I still do but don't.
Edit: If anyone has any advice on how I should better my life or if I should stick to college! If anyone knows any resources or recommendations to programs or anything similar! I’d really appreciate it!
Update-ish: Well I’m gonna tell them when they come home from church or when I do bc I volunteer at the Sunday school. So I have to go to church… While I’m not super religious maybe if I pray to God or Jesus both can give some guidance or a miracle. Who knows? Maybe my parents know this whole time and are letting me keep up the lie till I confess. I’ve had my suspicions, anyways regardless it will be painful. Especially after church… my mom wants to throw me a graduation party and I’m sure right now she’s telling people about it. I wish I had just said something as soon as she brought that up yesterday. The more I delay the more mess it will cause. I’ve already delayed for almost 3yrs. I think I got so caught up in my lie it just never really hit me that I had to tell them the truth. I’d leave every morning around a certain time and then I’d just do whatever. Forgetting this major situation. Hell I almost was considering buying a fake degree and saying I actually don’t want to go to my graduation anymore. Also I mentioned in the comments about needing school receipts, I was gonna make fake ones that would be crime. This is how mentally fucked up I’ve become 😬

This past Sunday night (4/21/2024), I (36F) called 911 on a dear friend (45M). He had been acting erratic, as if in a manic episode. He'd stolen a fully loaded handgun, wrote his son (11M) a letter, gave me all of his passwords, etc., told me that I won't have to worry about him anymore, then promptly smashed his phone to bits, got in his car, and disappeared.
I called 911 to request a BOLO for him ("be on the lookout").
I am eternally indebted to the responding officers for taking my concerns seriously. I told them everything that I could think of...
He'd recently lost his home and was homeless. He's addicted to meth. He almost certainly has a severe undiagnosed mental illness. He'd have drugs and drug paraphernalia on him. His license is expired. His car is unregistered, uninsured, and has expired tags from more than 4 years ago that don't even belong to his car on it. He's a felon from a marijuana possession charge in 1997. He stole a handgun from one of his best friends, and he'd been lower than anyone had ever seen. You could look into his eyes and see how badly he was struggling. He was there, but he wasn't there.
I gave them the addresses to his dealers, friends, family, job, baby mama(s)... even the storage unit that he put all of his stuff in after he lost his home. I honestly told them as much as I possibly could.
I ended their visit with, "I know you have 50 reasons to put him in jail. He'd deserve it, too, but I'm telling you... He doesn't need jail. This man is not okay. He desperately needs a hospital. If you have to take him to jail, please take him to a hospital first. Please find him and take him to a hospital."
He was legitimately a felon with a stolen handgun illegally driving an illegal vehicle, and I told them all of it. I didn't care. I just wanted them to find him. Jail would still be safer than him by himself.
They found him about an hour later. He was 5150ed (involuntarily committed) and spent 5 days in a psych ward.
I am so fucking thankful we got to him before he got to himself.
On day two, I visited him. He looked so much better, but you could still see the sad in his eyes and the struggle on his face. I told him I needed to know where he'd hid the handgun. He needed to give it back to his friend. They were deeply worried and upset at him. He told me it was in the ceiling of his car. He'd made a little opening in the liner and hid it up there... Within his reach, but totally out of sight.
I left the visit and went straight to his car. As soon as I felt the gun in the ceiling, I melted. When I got it out and released the clip to find it fully loaded (with one in the chamber), I sobbed. I sobbed for 15 minutes. It was one of those ugly, snotty, hyperventilating kind of sobs. It made everything so real.
He was released yesterday. I picked him up to drive him straight to rehab. He was finally back on earth. I hadn't seen him in months, it seemed like. The color was back in his face, the light was back in his eyes, and his smile was back.
He was alive again.
I don't know how to explain the emotions I felt when I saw him.
During the journey to the inpatient drug rehab he went to, I asked him if he was upset at me for calling the police. I added that if he was, oh well. I'm not sorry, and I will never be sorry. He said that he wasn't upset. In fact, he was grateful. He then confided in me that I was right. He had every intention on Sunday night being his last.
He was so nonchalant... so matter-of-fact. He was telling me the truth. I didn't realize that the gravity of the situation could get any heavier than it was when I found the handgun. Boy, was I wrong. Hearing him admit that to me... Realizing how close we were to losing him... It literally takes my breath away to think about the "what-ifs."
But now, now he's safe and getting the help he needs to be happy and healthy so he can live his best life.
((Shout out to the people in his life who made rehab possible with their financial contributions. You're incredible people. He doesn't deserve you.))
I've had multiple people try to make me feel bad for calling the cops on him. I understand the stigma, but I truly believe/believed that he was an imminent danger to himself, and I am one person. I would have never thought to look where the cops found him at. I would have never found him in time.
I'm in a whirlwind of emotions. I'm happy, thankful, and relieved that he's okay. I'm sad and heartbroken for how badly he's struggling. I'm devastated at how close we were to losing him. I'm excited for the opportunity he's been given, and I'm hopeful for his future.
I've been going from smiling and happy to tears pouring down my face for days. I hadn't taken the time to focus on myself until after I dropped him off at rehab, and I've since realized that I am really not okay.
I see my therapist on tomorrow at 10am, and I can't wait.
Thank you for reading. It's therapeutic talking about it, and being able to talk about it is keeping my head above water until I can get to my therapist.
To anyone struggling - Please know there are people who care. If you don't think anyone does, know that I do. Everyone deserves to be happy and healthy, and I hope you're able to achieve that. ❤️

Ryo Saeba

(Alternate Header Image 1 2)

"You pulled off a shrewd plan, I applaud you for that. But you made one mistake. You showed me the tears of a woman. And now you have to pay the price for it."

Anyone who has spent considerable time in Tokyo, or Japan as a whole for that matter, may have heard rumors about the blackboard in Shinjuku station. They say that if you have a problem and can't go to the police, all you have to do is write a note with the letters XYZ at the end and wait for the mysterious City Hunter to come and find you. However, pretty much anyone that's done this will tell you that the City Hunter isn't exactly the man you might expect.
At the incredibly young age of three years old, Ryo Saeba was traveling with his parents when their plane crashed in a country in Central America that was in the middle of a civil war. Being the sole survivor, Ryo wandered the jungle for days until he stumbled upon a village of guerilla fighters that were battling their country's government. The guerillas would only accept warriors that could fight with them, so Ryo joined their ranks in order to survive. They taught him everything they knew about fighting, weapons, and warfare until Ryo grew to be one of the most dangerous men on the battlefield. However, the government forces eventually overwhelmed them, chasing the guerillas out of the country. Now an adult, Ryo made his way to the United States and opted to become a sweeper, a mercenary/bounty hunteprivate detective that would perform just about any job that needed to be done off the books. Ryo partnered with Mick Angel, another sweeper and one of his best friends, to form the team known as City Hunter.
At some point, Ryo left the US and returned to Japan, the country of his birth, where he kept the City Hunter name for himself and continued doing sweeper work with a new partner, ex-detective Hideyuki Makimura. Ryo's reputation spread rapidly, and he quickly became known as one of the most dangerous men in the criminal underworld. So what's the problem? Well, he does have one weakness: Beautiful women. Despite his upbringing, Ryo is a goofy pervert and womanizer that would only accept jobs from the prettiest women around if he had his way. For awhile, he had Makimura to keep him in check, but he would meet a tragic end after refusing a job from a powerful drug syndicate, giving Ryo the dying request of looking after his little sister Kaori. Initially planning to help Kaori get out of the city, Ryo was surprised to find that Kaori wanted to take her brother's place as Ryo's assistant/partner and continue the work he thought was so important. Together, they became the newest iteration of City Hunter, sweeping the streets of Japan of evil and helping those in trouble.
While his methods may be questionable, rest assured that the City Hunter always sees a job through no matter what criminal organizations, serial killers, or assassins stand in his way.
Note:

• Surprisingly, City Hunter was never given a full official English translation until early 2022. While chapters have been releasing steadily since then, this translation is still far from complete. This thread uses all available pages of the official translation, but afterwards will be forced to rely on fan-translations. Also note that the English translation splits up the original release's chapters into smaller bits, so the chapter numbers won't align between the two. Despite occasionally using the English translation, feats will all be labeled with the original release's corresponding chapters.
• Kaori hitting Ryo in the head with hammers whenever he acts pervy is a running gag throughout the series, which results in some of his better durability feats. While it may seem best to write these off as gag feats, there's plenty of evidence to suggest these feats are actual aspects of the City Hunter world and should be taken literally.
  • The hammers are acknowledged by unrelated bystanders as too heavy to lift^Ch99
  • A hammer plays an integral part of a serious scene, with it's handle being destroyed leading into the villains kidnapping Kaori^Ch120
  • Kaori literally destroys their bath to prevent Ryo from getting intimate with a woman which affects the plot of that chapter^Ch145
  • Kaori is legitimately strong in her own right so these feats aren't unprecedented^Ch187
• The most notable feats in each section will be bolded.

Strength

Striking
Vs Enemies

• Knocks out a man with a pistol whip^Ch3
• Knocks out a biker far larger than him with a single punch to the stomach^Ch8
• Knocks out three Yakuza members with a camera^Ch45
• Incapacitates a large biker gang, including a member who was twice as tall as the others^Ch75
• Sends a large man flying down an alley and later knocks that same man out of a window^Ch121

Destructive Output

• Breaks a baton and sends a mob member far larger than him flying back^Ch6
• Smashes through a wall with a wooden mallet^Ch69
• Sends a man far larger than him flying back, destroying the set of a dance recital^Ch71
• Kicks open a locked door^Ch131
• Knocks a pair of thugs through a wooden door^Ch166
• Defeats a group of mercenaries offscreen, one of which was shown to have had his head smashed into a small crater in the ground^Ch174
• Kicks down a metal gate after shooting the lock^Ch175

Lifting/Throwing

• Carries Kaori away from an explosion^Ch5
• Catches a swing from a baseball bat^Ch8
• Lifts a student off the ground, smashing his head through the ceiling of the lecture hall and leaving a sizeable hole^Ch15
• Isn't slowed down at all as he carries his ally while fleeing a torrent of bullets^Ch21
• Catches one of Kaori's hammer swings^Ch47
  • The majority of Kaori's best hammer feats can be found in the Durability section for scaling
• Catches a punch from behind and throws the attacker hard enough to knock over some tombstones^Ch81
• Throws a knife hard enough to embed it in a wall^Ch95
• Lifts a man off the ground with one hand^Ch143
• Stands up while a giant spikey metal ball is tied to his back^Ch162
• Grabs a thugs arm and throws him out of his car^Ch164

Jumping/Charging

• Leaps through the ceiling of his apartment in terror^Ch65
• Dives with enough force to smash his head through a stone wall^Ch94
• While tied to a giant spikey metal ball, he lifts it up and uses it to crash through a wall and stop the man that was attacking his client^Ch162

Flicking

• Flicks pachinko balls with enough force to be painful^Ch46
• Flicks a pachinko ball hard enough that it knocks a knife out of a thug's hand which is embedded in the handle of a wheelchair^Ch102

Other

• Uses garrote wire to decapitate a man^Ch4
• Carries two girls to the surface of the water before they drowned^Ch35
• Digs his fingers and toes into stone to avoid falling into a spike trap^Ch53
• Bites through the tip of a spear^Ch93
• [Anti-Feat] Was unable to free himself after getting his dick trapped in the doors of a train^Ch104
• Bites and stabs his toes into a stone wall so that he could climb it despite being tied up^Ch109
• Easily catches the stab and breaks the wrist of a serial killer^Ch131

Speed

Travel

• After killing a suicide bomber he charges a short distance to knock him away before his body can fall to the ground^Ch5
• Pushes a woman out of the way of a speeding truck and then proceeds to briefly outrun that truck^Ch14
• Drastically outspeeds an ex-mercenary, catching up to a runaway baby stroller moments before it crashed into a ditch^Ch88
• In the time that it took a thug to enter a building and break into a girl's appartment, Ryo traveled all the way there from his appartment (the exact distance is unclear, but the reflection of the girl's telescope appears to be at least several blocks away)^Ch102
• While bra-lusted, he runs straight through a mine field and emerges unharmed^Ch154
• Instantly crosses a large warehouse to where his opponents were standing^Ch159

Reactions
Melee

• Sidesteps a biker's punch^Ch8
• Casually ducks under a girl's stab^Ch8
• Grabs someone so that they take a bat to the face for him when the swing was mere inches from his head^Ch35
• Easily dodges and catches a serial killer's stab^Ch130
• Ryo narrowly avoided Mick Angel's attacks after he had been injected with Angel Dust^Ch182
  • Angel dust increases muscular power beyond its limits^Ch184

Aim Dodging

• Leans back and narrowly avoids a point blank pistol shot from Miki, an ex-mercenary^Ch86
  • He later jumps around a store so that she was unable to land a shot on him^Ch86
• After Miki hypnotized herself to shoot him immediately after he said a certain key word, he was narrowly able to react in time to knock aside her gun^Ch88
• Avoids Koumori's aim long enough to get thrown his own gun and retaliate (Koumori is another professional hitman)^Ch124/118
• Pushes Kaori out of the way of a laser security system after it had activated (but not fired), which could respond fast enough to shoot a cigarette pack out of the air^Ch137
• Pushes a women to the ground just in time to avoid a gunshot from the street^Ch138
• Narrowly avoids Umibozu's shots at various points throughout their duel^Ch148
  • Ryo previously described Umibozu as a sniper of the highest caliber and one of the most dangerous guys in the business^Ch53
  • Umibozu is an incredible shot in his own right, hitting numerous perfect shots while blindfolded^Ch145
• Jumps to avoid nearly point blank machine gun fire from a professional assassin called the Black Lizard^Ch153
• Engages in a gunfight with Mick Angel, during which he climbed the outside of his building without getting hit^Ch175
  • Mick claims to be the number one sweeper in America and Umibozu corroborates this, saying that Mick is likely Ryo's equal in skill^Ch175
• Avoids the fire of several well trained soldiers at once^Ch191

Projectiles

• Moves Kaori out of the way of some thrown daggers^Ch6
• Avoids the explosion of a bazooka and immediately after runs out of the way of a collapsing tower^Ch12
• Dodges and reacts to various thrown, metal-edged playing cards^Ch23
• Reacts to a revolver round, moving his erection an instant before it was blasted off^Ch53
  • This comes with the caveat that Ryo already knew Umibozu was watching him to make sure he didn't act up, and he realized his mistake before the shot was fired^Ch53
• Catches a thrown knife with his teeth^Ch90
• Seemingly deflect trap arrows while sprinting down a booby trapped hallway^Ch93
• Chops two trap spears that were launched at him to the ground^Ch154
• Shoots through a knife after it was thrown at him^Ch162
• Narrowly reacts to darts fired from a mechanism on Mick's wrist^Ch188

Other

• Protects himself with a table before a grenade can explode in his face^Ch112
• Grabs Kaori and dives out of the way of an incoming plane^Ch116
• After triggering a car bomb it's revealed that he managed to avoid it^Ch167

Combat/Attacking

• When a drugged up opponent attacks him from behind, Ryo draws his gun and shoots him to the ground and, by the time he staggered to his feet, had already moved behind him to strangle him^Ch4
• Leaps high into the air, moving fast enough to seemingly vanish to his attackers^Ch8
• Repeatedly stabs the space between his fingers at high speeds without cutting himself^Ch10
• Moves faster than a soldier can track, appearing behind her after dodging her punch^Ch20
• Even while his opponent has a gun trained on him, Ryo throws a bra over his eyes and scampers into the ceiling before he can recover^Ch21
  • This man could react fast enough to catch knives thrown from a short distance away^Ch20
• Flicks a series of pachinko balls at some thugs at high speeds^Ch46
• Steals Reika's bra off her person before she can realize what happened^Ch59
• Beats up a group of Yakuza in a few seconds^Ch72
• Jumps over a shotgun blast, moving fast enough that the shooter assumed they hit him^Ch86
• When a disguised police detective has a gun trained on him, Ryo grabs and throws a scalpel into his hand before he can pull the trigger^Ch103

Quickdraw/Shooting

• Has multiple examples of shooting opponents who were already aiming at him
  • High ranking mob member^Ch6
  • Foreign prince that could react fast enough to catch knives thrown from a short distance away^Ch21/20
  • Assassin hired by a business man^Ch38
    • Bests this assassin again by throwing and shooting a bottle of nitroglycerine before he can pull his trigger^Ch39
  • Professional killer^Ch119
  • A well trained soldier^Ch190
• Quickdraws a shotgun to destroy his attacker's whip mid-swing^Ch9
• Using a mounted machine gun, he takes out a squad of terrorists before any of them could fire a single shot back^Ch19
• Beats his opponent in a quickdraw even after giving him a head start (this opponent also claimed to be more skilled than ordinary soldiers)^Ch19
• Quickdraws and fires before a Yakuza hitman had even grabbed his weapon, moving so fast that the hitman didn't believe him to be human^Ch23
• Notices a series of scalpels falling from the sky and shoots them out of the air before they can hit his client^Ch38
• Uses his gun to disarm six thugs in a split second before any of them could pull their triggers despite having their guns trained on him and then immediately does it again^Ch76
• Beats a hitman in a quickdraw, disarming him and destroying his belt to drop his pants before he realized what happened^Ch90
• Defeats Koumori, not just in a quickdraw but actually managing to hit him in the face with his gun before the other man pulled his trigger (Koumori is another professional hitman)^Ch124/118
• While Umibozu had his gun trained on him, Ryo managed to pull his gun and fire in the same time it took Umibozu to only pull his trigger^Ch149
  • Ryo previously described Umibozu as a sniper of the highest caliber and one of the most dangerous guys in the business^Ch53
• Shoots multiple hidden explosives in an instant^Ch159

Agility/Mobility

Acrobatics

• Vaults over a countertop and tackles a cashier to the ground to avoid a torrent of gunfire^Ch30
• Flips out of the way of an incoming truck from a seated position^Ch74
• Performs several back handsprings to distance himself from an explosion^Ch154

Jumping

• Leaps high enough to smash through his ceiling^Ch65
• Narrowly avoids a car slamming into him by jumping up into a tree^Ch65
• Leaps from a stage and gets tangled in the lights^Ch68
• Repeatedly jumping across a street while traversing rooftops without any sleep the night before^Ch94
• [NSFW] After falling from a rooftop, he leaps back up to retaliate against his opponent^Ch95
• Leaps up to a second story platform where his opponents were standing^Ch159

Climbing

• Gets out of sight just as a group of guards opened the door to the roof he was on, hiding on a window below^Ch27
• Rapidly scales the side of a building^Ch94
• Performs pullups by sticking his fingers into holes in the ceiling^Ch102
• Clings to the side of a window^Ch102
• Climbs down a wall like Spider-Man^Ch109
  • He has done this on several occasions^Ch173
• Scales the outside of his building during a gunfight^Ch175

Hanging

• Dangles from a rope by his feet like a spider^Ch68
• Clings to a windowsill by his toes^Ch98

Propping/Wedging

• Props himself in the top corner of a room^Ch65
• Wedges himself between two ceiling rafters^Ch82
• When he's attacked mid-shit, he leaps up and props himself in the bathroom's ceiling so that he can disarm his attacker^Ch87
• Hides from Kaori by going into an alley and propping himself high between two buildings^Ch102
• [NSFW] Props himself between the wall and ceiling of a shower at an impossible angle^Ch161
• Taunts a kidnapper from behind in an alley and wedges himself between the two walls above him in the time it took him to turn around^Ch170

Swinging

• Uses a rope to swing onto a stage and save an idol from a rabid mob^Ch24
• Rides a wrecking ball through the side of a Yakuza clan's headquarters^Ch84

Recovery

• Falls through a trap door and catches himself on the walls before landing in a spike trap^Ch53
• After the rope he was dangling from was cut, he managed to save himself by grabbing a ledge^Ch162

Other

• Drops onto a moving car from a tree branch, maintaining his balance with apparent ease even when the car crashes into a light pole^Ch16
• Runs along walls while avoiding booby traps^Ch93
• Spies through a window by hand standing on top of the windowsill^Ch106
• Saves a man from a collapsing floor^Ch114

Durability

Blunt

• Kaori embeds him into the ground and then smashes his head through the side of a building^Ch52
• A massive hammer craters him into a wall^Ch62
• Gets sent flying through a door and embedded in a wall^Ch68
• Kaori hits him hard enough to make a crater bigger than he is^Ch78
• Kaori smashes an entire bed over his head, partially sending him through his apartment's floor^Ch79
• Kaori knocks him through the wall of a bathhouse and he isn't bothered at all^Ch85
• Umibozu slams him into a wall hard enough to crater it and he immediately recovered^Ch87
• Takes blows from Umibozu on multiple different ocassions, with Umibozu being strong enough to crush the top of a car and and split a wooden table in half with his strikes^{Ch147/90/55/146}
• Immediately gets up after Kaori smashes him into the pavement^Ch104
• Gets smacked into a light post, severely bending it^Ch109
• Kaori smashes his upper body through the wall of a hotel^Ch109
• Umibozu rips a lamp post from the ground and throws it at Ryo's face hard enough to bend it^Ch146
• Kaori knocks him through a stone wall^Ch151
• Kaori craters him into the roof of their building^Ch175

Piercing

• Getting swarmed by piranhas and has no visible damage after^Ch112
• Gets slammed by a giant spiked ball trap with no visible puncture wound afterwards^Ch151

Explosive

• Gets caught in a trap where multiple grenades and dynamite packs explode on top of him, blasting a hole in the side of his apartment building^Ch87
  • Here is the destruction from that blast from several other angles^Ch88
• Is hit with a pointblank explosion that destroys a wall in his appartment^Ch102
• Repeatedly shoots through a plane from the inside, causing it to blowup so he can escape^Ch119

Falling

• Jumps from the top of a mansion and lands face first on top of a sunroom on ground level though this does leave him in a complete daze the next time we see him^Ch21
• Jumps from his apartment and crashes onto a car below, heavily denting the top of it without injury^Ch32
  • We see in a later chapter that Ryo lives on the fifth floor^Ch67
• Gets dropped from the fourth floor of a hospital, crashing into the pavement and forming a fairly large crater^Ch38
• [NSFW] Falls from a rooftop and craters into the street^Ch93

Electrical

• Kaori electrocutes him twice with a defibrillator and he immediately gets up (though the third time causes his heart to stop)^Ch47
  • Afterwards he was revealed to have been temporarily crippled by the attacks^Ch47
• A door trap electrocutes him and soon after the same thing happens when he touches barred windows^Ch53

Endurance/Survivability

• Saeko kicks him in the face with heels, puncturing his forehead^Ch19
• Has sex with forty women over the course of two weeks, leaving him visibly drained but still able to continue^Ch21
• Gets a needle smashed into his skull^Ch38
• Capable of fighting effectively even with a broken leg^Ch38
• Gets his head flattened by a hammer immediately snaps back into shape^Ch42
• Gets flattened and pops back into shape^Ch69
• Kaori hits him with a spikey metal ball and a spike goes straight through his head^Ch97
• Drank extensively for two days straight without sleep and was still able to operate at normal efficiency^Ch159

Other

• An onslaught of gunfire sends him flying back into his car (though he was protected from the bullets themselves by a bullet proof vest)^Ch6
• Gets trampled by a crowd of rabid idol fans that had previously burst through several walls^Ch24
• Gets crushed under a large weight^Ch67
• His Super Mokkori pushes him up against concrete with enough force to crack it^Ch86
• Is standing on the roof of a several story tall abandoned building when Kaori accidentally triggers the explosives she'd filled it with, causing the building to collapse and he survives^Ch175
• Pray for his recovery...^Ch185
  • Oh god not again...^Ch185
• After getting injected with a tranquilizer, he was able to defend a surgeon immediately after, claiming a Yakuza's animosity negated the tranquilizer's effects^Ch186

Cock

Yes, you read that right. Ryo's penis, his erection, his boner, his mokkori. It's frankly capable of some pretty incredible things and seems to have stats that are completely independent of Ryo's other physical abilities. So much so that it's probably best to have an entire section of the thread dedicated to it. I'm not sorry.
Physicals
Strength/Growing Power

• Tilts a table^Ch15
• Bursts through bullet proof glass^Ch21
• [NSFW] Supports a 100kg weight^Ch28
• After getting placed in a steel chastity belt, Ryo eventually gets a boner so strong that it breaks through^Ch32
  • Though this does leave him in a... rough state^Ch32
• Bursts straight through a wall (though he was unable to free himself afterwards)^Ch40
• Traps Ryo's head between it and the roof of a car like a vice^Ch46
• Knocks a door off its hinges^Ch73
• Pushes against a store's wooden support beams with enough force to crack concrete and eventually destroy several of the wooden beams^Ch86

Speed

• Moves to avoid a bullet from a revolver when is was an inch away from hitting him^Ch53

Durability

• [NSFW] Is electrocuted when it touches a mannequin that had been attached to an electrical outlet, and after the initial shock Ryo recovered mostly fine^Ch24
• Withstands getting smashed through a wall twice^Ch45
• Caves in Ryo's face when his head is slammed into it by Kaori, implying its durability is higher than that of Ryo himself^Ch48
• A rapist breaks his ankle trying to kick it^Ch48
• [NSFW][Anti-Feat] Gets trapped in the door of a train^Ch104
  • This was revealed to have seriously injured him^Ch104

Abilities
Detecting Women

• His boner let him detect that his assailant was a pretty woman even when he couldn't see them in the dark^Ch12
• Ryo acts up after accidentally walking in on his client who had disguised herself as a man, despite not actually seeing through the disguise himself^Ch77
• [NSFW] Acts as a "beauty detector" to lead him towards beautiful women, but it has been fooled by dirty magazines before^Ch104

Other

• Even if you don't use your eyes Ryo is canonically packing heat^Ch38
• I just... I... uhhh...^Ch45
• Can repeatedly retract it at will and at a moment's notice^Ch45
• [Anti-Feat] Seeing a princess in a leotard did nothing for him, with Ryo describing it as if she has an aura that blocks his horny power^Ch65
  • He later describes this aura as "the repulsion of a girl who didn't know what love was", which disappeared when the princess began to fall for him^Ch65
  • The princess' handler later describes it a "noble aura" that not even Ryo can break through^Ch65

Gear

Firearms

• Colt .357 Magnum^Ch2
  • Has a second magnum he keeps in an ankle holster for if the first one runs out of ammo^Ch6
  • Comes with a scope for longer distance shots and a silencer which was effective enough that he didn't draw attention after firing in the middle of a crowd of people^Ch28/10
  • While it theoretically only holds six bullets he has fired more than that either without reloading or by seamlessly reloading between shots^Ch28
  • Strong enough to fire straight through a plane's exterior (also another example of firing more than six shots in rapid succession)^Ch119
  • Was modified by a legendary gunsmith to be more accurate^Ch124
  • Shots partially destroy various gravestones^Ch147
  • Fires straight through a stone wall into the opposite wall^Ch175
• .44 Magnum^Ch19
• .41 Magnum (he considers this to be a "one of a thousand" gun with far greater accuracy than other firearms)^Ch19
• M36 Revolver^Ch7
• M686 Revolver^Ch90
• Rifle^Ch1
• Pump-Action Shotgun^Ch6
• Machine Gun^Ch26
• Submachine Gun^Ch114
• Sniper rifle^Ch27

Other Long Ranged Weapons

• Bazooka^Ch37
  • Blasts large craters in the street^Ch37
  • Kaori later used one to blast sizeable holes in concrete^Ch114
• Twin RPGs^Ch191
• Crossbow with short arrows, making them impossible to pull out^Ch2
• Various throwing knives lining his inner coat^Ch11
• Pachinko balls which he can flick with pinpoint accuracy^Ch102

Melee Weapons

• Garrote wire^Ch4
• Hidden ankle blades^Ch5
• A glove with a metal attachment that gives a secondary blow to whoever he punches^Ch6
• Brass knuckles^Ch25
• A hidden knife in his belt buckle^Ch142

Ammo

• Full metal jacket bullets for his Colt Python that ricochet off of solid surfaces and produce sparks when they do^Ch3
• A golden .500 Nitro Express that Ryo claimed can move a 2 ton object a whole foot when fired from over 100 meters away, which when fired into a target's ear sticks to the inside of their skull without piercing through^Ch1
• A .30 M1 Carbine Jacket that fires and spins slowly enough that it can shoot through a man's stomach without damaging any internal organs, resulting in a wound rather than a fatal shot^Ch10
• Rubber bullets^Ch28

Explosives

• Nitroglycerine, which Ryo claims an entire spilled bottle would blow a pair of kidnappers to smitherines^Ch16
• Remote explosives which he uses to destroy a lab^Ch37
• Dynamite that when used repeatedly eventually resulted in a yakuza clan's headquarters to be completely leveled (the headquarters was a fairly tall building)^Ch84
• His partner Kaori has shown to pack grenades which she would've gotten from his armory^Ch168
  • This is true for flash bangs as well^Ch172

Espionage/Tracking/Surveillance

• Small microphones to bug targets^Ch6
• Police radio^Ch6
• Homing transmitter^Ch42
  • Ryo has dozens of them attached to people of interest around the city, all of which he can track using a device in his car^Ch80
  • Their signals are fairly weak, having a range of only one kilometer^Ch80
• Gear that allows him to listen in on Umibozu's phone call^Ch174

Chemicals

• A ring laced with fast acting poison^Ch5
• A fast acting sleeping pill which he stores in his tooth^Ch20
  • Says that someone he used it on would sleep "at least till tomorrow" (the time of day he used it is unclear but it would presumably be at least 12 hours)^Ch113
• His secret weapon PATCH-WORK PATTERN PANTALOONS (a pair of boxer briefs that are filled with packets of various chemicals, including anesthetics, truth serum, and sleeping agents)^Ch20
• Instant acting sleeping powder^Ch64

Other

• Bullet proof vest (along with fake blood packs to be extra convincing)^Ch6
• Ear plugs^Ch109
• Lighter^Ch142
• The inner lining of his coat is lined with a special chemical that, when burned, causes a massive cloud of tear gas to emit from it and the outer coat is packed with plastic explosives and a detonator^Ch142
  • He also keeps various hidden weapons in the lining of his coat, such as a dismantled revolver, a miniature time bomb that he uses to blow up a criminal organization's ammo depot, and most importantly condoms^Ch141/142

This Thread is Continued in the Comments Below

I posted this on the other sub a few days ago while waiting for this one to open back up and now that it is I wanted to share here, so apologies for the double post! Also wanted to say that I’ve been a silent lurker since accidentally stumbling across gaylor theories after the 1989 re-record, never thought I’d be compelled to make a post but I have gone down DEEP rabbit holes picking apart all the connections to past albums that TTPD makes… so be gentle, and I’m really looking forward to your notes ❤️
Florida = the CLOSET. Her going to Florida is the notion of her hopelessly giving in, an attempt to be okay/dissociate with a future of bearding and pretending to be straight…Florida is not a physical location, it’s the idea of pretending to be something you’re not. The song is Taylor’s internal struggle behind the realization that bc she is tied to her name/brand, she might have no choice but to mask her true self forever and “fuck it maybe I’ll just move to Florida”
**A side-theory inspired by some responses in the other sub….narcotics/substances could also be seen as men/muses/beards whatever you want to call them…..it goes hand in hand bc she can’t really be in the closet without a man to bolster the narrative.
Lyrical breakdown:
“You can beat the heat if you beat the charges too” * What her team has told her: You can beat the implications of gay rumors if you put on the front that you’re a totally straight boy crazy starlet with a rolodex of hetero relationships. Do the pap walks, feed the media some gossip, play part of the ultra straight narrative but you definitely can’t be gay or feed into any more of those theories.
“Little did you know your home's really only A town you're just a guest in” * Obviously about her dad/family/brand’s non-acceptance of her true self. She is not welcome/allowed to be her real self in her real life.
“So you work your life away just to pay For a time-share down in Destin” * She’s done all this work and built her career which subsequently anchored herself to the brand that will oversee her now for her entire life, and what did it get her? An eternity of pretending to be straight, an eternity in “Florida”….and the use of timeshare further emphasizes that it’s not a place that she OWNS, she’s just borrowing it from the storyline of the straight narrative.
“Florida Is one hell of a drug Florida Can I use you up?” * I think this is a tie in to “miracle move on drug.”(Which she said she tried but it was temporary). Her brand saying “take this, it will fix you/the scandalous situation”. It is her way of saying the only way she can accept that this is her future is if she is numbed. Like the ONLY way she’ll be able to actually live out this actual life is by accepting closeted life. She had so much pain from thinking and longing for the ACTUAL person she wants to be with, the only future for me is this life in florida/closet, so lets just take these drugs and maybe they’ll work like everyone says bc she can’t fight back anymore. And to clarify I don’t think this is where she is NOW, but this is the story somewhere in her timeline of her trying to convince herself that maybe Florida is the only answer.
“So I did my best to lay to rest All of the bodies that have ever been on my body” * I interpreted this as her saying i’ve tried to move on, i’ve tried to stop writing songs about hethem, but they keep coming back (digging up the grave another time) so florida might be the only way out
“I need to forget, so take me to Florida I've got some regrets, I'll bury them in Florida Tell me I'm despicable, say it's unforgivable At least the dolls are beautiful, fuck me up, Florida” 1. They’re telling her she needs to just move on and leave the “scandal” that is her true self behind her and this is her giving in and saying why not basically. Maybe she’ll be able to bury her feelings, forget the regrets and heartaches of past relationships. Maybe if they keep telling her all these things she’ll really start to actually believe it herself. Its desperation of throwing her hands up and accepting this fake straight life in florida and just pretending all of her past gay feelings/relationships didn’t happen, convincing herself to just be numb to it all and just bury it (bury as in suppressing and maybe as a literal grave/kill off the feelings for good).
Also with all the heavy religious themes in the album it’s almost a commentary on conversion therapy ... .like the only way to undo what you’ve done is by settling down and committing to a straight relationship and convince yourself that it’s fine until you really ARE straight (which is also my take on some of the beards esp Joe ….i don’t think the relationships are straight up hoaxes bc I think there is some element of real love in all of them bc she’s TRYING to make Florida work to some degree…) I personally tend to think she’s Bi, so think it can also make the statement that her grappling with a true confusion around what her sexuality is. Like if she found anything genuine with her male partners what a mind fuck that is to try to process what it means (one hell of a drug, fucked up her mental wellbeing)

1. The dolls — I originally posted that for me there’s the obvious callback to seven (pack your dolls and your sweater) but it ALSO made me think of John Mayer’s little paper dolls…..and maybe her saying if the whole world wants me to pretend to be these dolls, these straight personas, these beautiful superstars idolized in the straight world, at least they’re pretty…like trying to convince herself there’s worse things that you can pretend to be etc….if you have to be trapped in a life that’s not yours at least it’s the one of a pretty billionaire pop star. A user on the other sub also made point that it could be talking about the Kens she switches out being the dolls (especially if she’s bi but even as a lesbian perhaps appreciating a good looking man….again, worst things to be trapped with)

“Love left me like this and I don't want to exist So take me to Florida” * Her REAL love left her feeling like this (think I hate it here vibes, she spends all her time trying to mentally escape but is realizing that daydreaming about how could life be is also no way to live)….so alone, can’t relate to those around her bc she has a double life, helpless, sad, etc…..she doesn’t want to exist in her closeted state anymore bc the pain is too much to handle. So i think this song is the internal dialogue of her trying to convince herself that she can just embrace the numbed state that would playing the part in florida that everyone around her wants her to play. In this moment of despair, she’s trying to convince herself that she’d rather pretend to be straight than to deal with the heartache of living a double life. Like if she can’t be OUT, then maybe the only way to make life bearable is by convincing herself that she’s okay to be IN.
“So you pack your life away just to wait out the shitstorm back in Texas.” • I’m sure there’s a political tie to the shitstorm back in texas….packing your life away just to wait it out….kinda like, just pretend to be fine/straight for a while until it’s publicly acceptable to be your true self. Using 2 very politically polarizing states is in itself a red herring bc at surface value people accept it as a literal commentary on US politics….but i think as symbolism florida represents the space of masking/bearding/closeting and TX represents the unwillingness to accept her gayness by her brand/family/fans.
Applying this to other songs:
Fortnight: 1. “move to Florida buy the car you want but it won’t start until you touch me”…..pretending to be straight in Florida = money and fame and success bc accepted by fans = ability to buy anything she wants…. but it doesn’t matter bc she’s still missing her true self 2. “I took the miracle move-on drug/ The effects were temporary” tried to be with a man/in the closet….I
Who’s afraid of little old me:
“put narcotics into all of my songs and that's why you're still singing along”. Narcotics = the men muses she puts in her song to have her fanbase accept it unquestioningly. Florida = pretending to be straight so that her fandom still relates to her music, taylor swift the person is not Taylor swift the brand without Florida.
Fresh out the slammer:
“another summer taking cover, running thunder he don’t understand me”…..shes hiding in Florida where there’s a million storms/thunder esp in summer and she’s stuck with somebody that doesn’t understand HER true self.
. Sorry for any formatting errors, I’m doing this from my phone so not sure how it will copy over….I really can’t wait to hear all you smarter gaylors weigh in on this!

Urgent USA Travel help needed! We are currently in Denver, Colorado. We did not except it to be snowing and raining this much here when we left Kansas yesterday. Our original plan had been to travel (driving) to Yellowstone Stone National Park tomorrow, but with the current weather warnings, snow, rain etc. in Colorado and up north, we are now reevaluating our plans. After Yellowstone, we were originally going to drive west to travel down the west coast but now have extra days available. We need to be in LA, California on May 7th where will drop off the car and fly back to Australia. Do you have any suggestions on must see attractions or places we should stay? We are open to all suggestions! This trip so far we've also been to: Tuscon, AZ. Las Cruces and Roswell, New Mexico. Amarillo, TX. Wichita and Salina, KS. We've also previously been to Las Vegas twice so not planning on going there again. Thanks for your help!

Currently used car shopping. Was set to purchase a 2011 Camry V6 XLE yesterday. Took it for a long test drive, got the OK from my mechanic after inspection. I then learned that just a few months ago, this car had oil leaking from the timing cover and coolant leaking from the head gasket. Both were fixed, $6k repair. I have been doing my homework and watched a couple hours of Car Care Nut videos on the 2GR-FE, so I know these are both known issues with the engine, particularly the oil leak. So I actually am pleased to know these expensive fixes have been made and engine should be great to go another 100k+.
I am very hesitant though because I get the feeling the sales team was hiding this repair from me. It wasn’t listed on the CarFax at all, I only found out because I called the service department (unique case where prior owner had a lifetime warranty at the dealership selling it to me, they are the only ones to ever service it, so I have more detailed access than just the CarFax) to ask if they’d done transmission fluid and the guy read off all services to me. The CarFax does list service for that date, but it just says “Checked steering/suspension” and “Added coolant/antifreeze”. Nothing about this 20-30 hour, drop out the engine job.
My sales guy is typical sales guy, doesn’t seem to actually know a ton about cars, just pushing me to close deal. He resisted heavily when I asked to see service records. Kept jumping between the CarFax and their pre-sale inspection flyer. Played dumb and said “What do you mean service records? That’s what the CarFax is.” Tried to minimize the repair when we finally discussed it, was hesitant to let me talk to service dept, etc.
Am torn because I think I have a solid deal on a very reliable car that just had some key repairs done, and am more informed on this car than I will be with just about any other used vehicle. On the other hand these guys were really weird about it and just feel suspicious. I told them I needed to think more and talk to my mechanic (planning to call Monday) but am worried this car may sell fast, it is in great condition (I think…)
So my questions are:
1) Is there anything that likely could have become an issue with this car as a result of these leaks/the repairs that I should check on? Questions I should ask about the issue/service generally? The fact that the prior owner traded in just a couple months after this major repair (free to them, granted) makes me wonder too.
2) How easy is it for the CarFax discrepancy to be a mistake? I would be more open to error here if the record was missing entirely, but is odd to me that there was instead record of minor service that didn’t happen. When the service desk read me off years of services while checking for transmission fluid work, other than this the CarFax matches perfectly.
Bonus non-mechanical Q: this seem like typical sales guy behavior or am I right to suspect a problem?
Sorry for long-winded post, thanks for reading + any advice

Forgot yesterday was day seven. Shit! Also no rural jobs this week? Weird, did a double take. None. Three IT nerd jobs posted up though. Get in there and APPLY!
Good afternoon. Brief listing of CAREER JOBS pulled from usps.com/careers/ for your convenience. Tell HR User_3971 sent you, let's see if they pay more than .25¢ per head.
Some jobs may be part-time regular however all listed jobs should qualify for federal benefits from day one. To save text I have only listed the location and date of posting for each. Use the posting number for your search term. LC and MM are entry-level Maintenance. Here is a Maint overview and here and here are Exam 955 infos. You can DO it!
Laborer Custodial:
BETHEL AK NC11710102 04/27/2024
MISSOURI CITY TX NC11710917 04/27/2024
NORTH HOUSTON TX NC11711106 04/27/2024
MARYVILLE MO NC11711120 04/27/2024
CUMMING GA NC11710999 04/27/2024
ALEXANDRIA MN NC11711020 04/27/2024
DOUGLAS AK NC11711035 04/27/2024
CHARLEVOIX MI NC11711039 04/27/2024
SALINAS CA NC11711042 04/27/2024
SAN FRANCISCO CA NC11711117 04/27/2024
PASO ROBLES CA NC11711153 04/27/2024
FAIRBANKS AK NC11712694 04/27/2024
CAMBRIDGE MA NC11712833 04/27/2024
HAILEY ID NC11712845 04/27/2024
JERSEY CITY NJ NC11709609 04/23/2024
​
Maintenance Mechanic:
WARRENDALE PA NC11712891 04/27/2024
SANDSTON VA NC11706437 04/27/2024
SAINT LOUIS MO NC11711496 04/27/2024
RICHMOND CA NC11706196 04/27/2024
PETALUMA CA NC11709474 04/27/2024
OAKLAND CA NC11711344 04/27/2024
NORTH HOUSTON TX NC11706182 04/27/2024
MILAN IL NC11710915 04/27/2024
EAGAN MN NC11709653 04/27/2024
DES MOINES IA NC11706287 04/27/2024
DALLAS TX NC11711401 04/27/2024
BOSTON MA NC11709587 04/27/2024
WHITE PLAINS NY NC11710988 04/27/2024
SAN JOSE CA NC11711432 04/27/2024
PALATINE IL NC11711510 04/27/2024
MEMPHIS TN NC11706336 04/27/2024
HARRISBURG PA NC11704410 04/27/2024
BETHLEHEM PA NC11711285 04/27/2024
SHREWSBURY MA NC11711444 04/27/2024
KENT WA NC11711283 04/27/2024
JERSEY CITY NJ NC11709618 04/23/2024
ROCHESTER NY NC11712171 04/27/2024
KANSAS CITY KS NC11709510 04/27/2024
DULLES VA NC11709636 04/27/2024
DES MOINES IA NC11711437 04/27/2024
CAROL STREAM IL NC11711514 04/27/2024
​
Special! Interesting Maintenance Jobs: (may be skills required)
​
Maintenance Mechanic MPE:
MILAN IL NC11711414 04/27/2024
CAPITOL HEIGHTS MD NC11710911 04/27/2024
PORTLAND OR NC11711427 04/27/2024
KANSAS CITY KS NC11710985 04/27/2024
JERSEY CITY NJ NC11709619 04/23/2024
FOREST PARK IL NC11709632 04/27/2024
​
General Clerk VMF:
LOS ANGELES CA NC11704773 04/18/2024
OXNARD CA NC11710109 04/25/2024
​
Garage Assistant:
PATERSON NJ NC11708695 04/25/2024
INDIANAPOLIS IN NC11706298 04/19/2024
DENVER CO NC11713425 04/27/2024
PEORIA IL NC11709804 04/24/2024
CHARLOTTE NC NC11712908 04/27/2024
​
Building Equipment Mechanic:
JERSEY CITY NJ NC11709613 04/23/2024
NEWBURGH NY NC11711515 04/27/2024
FOREST PARK IL NC11708366 04/22/2024
OAKLAND CA NC11706239 04/27/2024
DULLES VA NC11709584 04/27/2024
​
Area Maintenance Technician:
SAN FRANCISCO CA NC11710819 04/27/2024
​
Electronic Technician:
CAPITOL HEIGHTS MD NC11711036 04/27/2024
HARRISBURG PA NC11712721 04/27/2024
HARRISBURG PA NC11712693 04/27/2024
MILAN IL NC11711286 04/27/2024
MUNCIE IN NC11711118 04/27/2024
FOREST PARK IL NC11706141 04/27/2024
INDIANAPOLIS IN NC11706199 04/27/2024
EASTON MD NC11709472 04/27/2024
PHILADELPHIA PA NC11711587 04/27/2024
SAINT LOUIS MO NC11706278 04/27/2024
SAN JOSE CA NC11709438 04/27/2024
​
NON-Maintenance jerbs:
​
SALES,SVCS/DISTR ASSOC:
SHELTER ISLAND NY NC11711101 04/26/2024
WELLESLEY ISLAND NY NC11710018 04/24/2024
ROCKAWAY BEACH OR NC11709445 04/24/2024
FORT DEFIANCE AZ NC11712333 04/26/2024
MOUNT PLEASANT MILLS PA NC11711094 04/26/2024
​
City Carrier:
SUNNYVALE CA NC11694453 04/25/2024
HARRISBURG PA NC11710958 04/27/2024
YORK PA NC11710960 04/26/2024
BOSTON MA NC11708596 04/27/2024
FISHERS IN NC11710055 04/25/2024
PORTLAND ME NC11710064 04/25/2024
CHARLOTTESVILLE VA NC11709827 04/24/2024
DALY CITY CA NC11706551 04/21/2024
ENGLEWOOD CO NC11709844 04/24/2024
LINCOLN ME NC11710989 04/25/2024
UNION CITY CA NC11694492 04/24/2024
BOSTON MA NC11708271 04/27/2024
BOSTON MA NC11708416 04/27/2024
LOUISVILLE KY NC11709455 04/27/2024
MINNEAPOLIS MN NC11709456 04/27/2024
SALT LAKE CITY UT NC11709596 04/27/2024
SAN FRANCISCO CA NC11709470 04/27/2024
ARVADA CO NC11709460 04/24/2024
BRIGHTON MA NC11708417 04/27/2024
BROOMFIELD CO NC11710007 04/24/2024
DULUTH MN NC11709891 04/24/2024
GLENSHAW PA NC11710874 04/25/2024
KANSAS CITY MO NC11709398 04/27/2024
MADISON WI NC11709464 04/27/2024
MERCER ISLAND WA NC11710024 04/24/2024
OWATONNA MN NC11711556 04/25/2024
RICHMOND CA NC11694264 04/25/2024
SAINT LOUIS MO NC11709397 04/27/2024
VALHALLA NY NC11711006 04/25/2024
BOZEMAN MT NC11711508 04/26/2024
COLUMBUS IN NC11709748 04/25/2024
EAST PALO ALTO CA NC11694461 04/25/2024
KANSAS CITY KS NC11696051 04/25/2024
LEXINGTON MA NC11708597 04/27/2024
MARION IN NC11710051 04/25/2024
MC LEAN VA NC11709745 04/24/2024
MOUNTAIN VIEW CA NC11694455 04/25/2024
BELLEVUE WA NC11698327 04/26/2024
MILLERSVILLE PA NC11710978 04/26/2024
NEW ALBANY IN NC11711516 04/26/2024
SAN RAFAEL CA NC11710979 04/25/2024
SAUSALITO CA NC11710982 04/25/2024
SOUTH AMBOY NJ NC11711121 04/26/2024
ALBANY NY NC11703709 04/24/2024
AURORA CO NC11709473 04/27/2024
BELLMORE NY NC11710903 04/25/2024
BELMONT MA NC11708418 04/27/2024
BILLINGS MT NC11711491 04/26/2024
BISMARCK ND NC11709808 04/24/2024
BOSTON MA NC11708354 04/27/2024
BRAINTREE MA NC11708350 04/27/2024
CHELSEA MA NC11708590 04/27/2024
CINCINNATI OH NC11709431 04/27/2024
CLEVELAND OH NC11709433 04/27/2024
CORTE MADERA CA NC11710902 04/25/2024
GLENS FALLS NY NC11709936 04/24/2024
GRAFTON ND NC11710044 04/25/2024
JAMAICA PLAIN MA NC11708593 04/27/2024
LANCASTER PA NC11710904 04/26/2024
LINCOLNSHIRE IL NC11710028 04/25/2024
LOS ALTOS CA NC11694283 04/25/2024
MEDFORD MA NC11708693 04/27/2024
MILWAUKEE WI NC11709434 04/27/2024
REDWOOD CITY CA NC11706439 04/21/2024
SAINT PAUL MN NC11709428 04/27/2024
WAUKEGAN IL NC11707426 04/21/2024
WAYNESBORO VA NC11710006 04/24/2024
CENTRAL SEATTLE WA NC11709629 04/27/2024
NORTH SEATTLE WA NC11709651 04/27/2024
SOUTH SEATTLE WA NC11709654 04/27/2024
​
Rural Carrier:
None found - much wow
​
Motor Vehicle Operator:
CHARLOTTE NC P&DC NC11713805 04/27/2024
RALEIGH NC P&DC NC11713806 04/27/2024
SAN JOSE CA P&DC NC11713430 04/27/2024
SEATTLE WA P&DC NC11713433 04/27/2024
SYRACUSE NY P&DC NC11713801 04/27/2024
MORGAN NY P&DC NC11713803 04/27/2024
ALBANY NY P&DC NC11713589 04/27/2024
PORTLAND OR P&DC NC11713346 04/27/2024
SACRAMENTO CA P&DC NC11713443 04/27/2024
SPRINGFIELD IL P&DC NC11713582 04/27/2024
​
Postal Vehicle Operator:
LIMA OH NC11713329 04/27/2024
​
Tractor Trailer Operator:
SEATTLE WA NDC NC11713815 04/27/2024
DAYTON OH P&DC NC11713495 04/27/2024
SEATTLE WA P&DC NC11713810 04/27/2024
INDIANAPOLIS IN P&DC NC11713576 04/27/2024
NORFOLK VA P&DC NC11713587 04/27/2024
NORTH READING P&DC NC11713584 04/27/2024
SAN FRANCISCO P&DC NC11713808 04/27/2024
SO JERSEY NJ P&DC NC11713586 04/27/2024
SOUTH SUBURBAN P&DC NC11713579 04/27/2024
​
IT nerds: (all remote)
COMPUTER ANLYST/PRGMR ASSOC - NC11703476 04/17/2024
COMPUTER SYS ANLYST/PRGMR - NC11703478 04/17/2024
COMPUTER SYS ANLYST/PRGMR - NC11703477 04/17/2024
No experience necessary for the laborer custodial or maintenance mechanic positions. It helps on the interview but you can surely think of maintenance related experience to relay for an interview. Based on fixing things around your house, the car etc. Always mention working safely.
​
Pro tip: You can apply for any job that has an exam opening and the test is administered local to yourself. Make sure you're serious and score decently; you can turn down the job offer. Keep a physical copy of your exam score, I believe they are good for two years.
The reason is: These job postings can be posted externally at capacity for testing, meaning they will not allow you to take the exam if they have enough qualified applicants. However, if you have a test score on the books, you are a qualified applicant.
​
Explanation of MVO/TTO to save time:
MVO= CDL B Can only drive box trucks on public roads, can drive anything for moves on postal property.
TTO= CDL A Can drive anything.
​
USPS provides the training. (Maintenance jobs at least. Management...GOOD LUCK)

Okay, it's a complicated story so get ready (I have adhd, so story telling is long, with a lot of possibly useless details, and so on and so on) (also english isn't my native language, I apologize for any mistakes or typos) (maybe some trigger warning, for verbal abuse, bullying, sh, suicidal thoughts, it's not a light hearted story at all)
So, I (18 F) lived with my mother (42 F) (that I will call As) and my step father (47 M) (that I will call J) since I was 2 years old, after my mum divorced my dad (44 M) (that I will call An) after only four months into marriage, and there is a HUGE possibility of As cheating on my dad, since J cheated on his now ex wife, N, with whom he had a daugter (20 F), E.
So naturally, N and my dad had a lot of resentment toward the third party, N with my mum, and An with J... Which led to a funny thing such as talking shit about them. N would tell E that my mum is a witch because her hair is black and curly, like Mother Gothel, and my dad would do anything not to interact with J., leading to that GROWN ASS MAN to... Hate and bully me haha.
And by bullying, I mean it, he would always call me bad names, using the horrible nickname my school bullies used for me as an every day nickname (I was registered in his phone as those nicknames). I have my hairs curlier than usual? Shaun the Sheep. I had a dance gala and I was Pumba? He would nick name me that. He would also comment on my weight a lot, calling me a pig, telling me to "move my fat", calling me a circle... yada yada yada.
(I am really overweight, and I suffer from an ed (hyperphagia), and at the time I was also under a medication that made me hungrier and have a larger appetite, and being constantly bullied, and belittled, with the school pressure, I gained over 40 kg (about 80 pounds I thinnk?) in 2 years)
My mum wasn't really helping either, she wasn't calling me these nick names, thank the gods, but she was pretty passive agressive, like "oh once you loose weight this skirt would look so great on you", you know. She talked to me about going to a nutritionnist, even talked about a SURGERY.
Also, (this is relevant I promise) I have another sister (12 F), H, and we have the same mum. With us having a 5 years age gap, it was always difficult between the two of us. My parents would force me to play with her, and her games, like Barbies, Playmobils, lego, so things that, when it was for her age, wasn't made for me. And since every time I was forced to be with her, it kinda poisoned our relationship, meaning that until last year, when she started middle school, we were fighting like cats and dogs.
Now, back to my story. My step father loves to invent, or modify the reality. My sister got a small barbie toy in her nose? It was my fault, and I got yelled out. (I tried to get it out, but my fingers where too think, so I was shaking sooo bad when I realized I had to go see him and asked him for help about the situation... WHICH IS A BIG RED FLAG you should be shaking of fear when telling a parent about an issue we have!!)
And he also seem to love being rude or mean to me. Like, he would always flick my ears, to the point I started to startling and have that "I-put-my-hands-on-my-ears-to-protect-them" reflex, he would hit me with my math copybook because I didn't get it, he would force me to copy a page of the Bible (we aren't even religious) for something I have still no idea what I did wrong.
When I was 11, I had to do the dishes, because we had just moved in the new house, and the dishwasher had yet to be installed, and the glasses weren't clean enough for his liking, so he made me wash them again. But with the soap and the bubbles, it was slippy, so I let it go accindentally and it broke, as well as my sister's (H) glass. He yelled at me so loud, scaring the shit out of me, that I literally peed myself, and he made me sat on the kitchen chair for two hours, until Mum entered the room, and let me go.
(For those wondering, I don't remeber if she knew, or if I ever told her, and like, she was constantly dismissing me and my feelings when I told her that I hated these nickanmes, that it was hurting me, that I didn't like it, because it was "funny to him and it's the way he works, it's the way he shows affection" (he also makes fun of my mum) which is the definition of bullying, when you do something repeatedely that is funny to you, but not to the target of said ""jokes"".)
So, I was in 10th grade, it was October, and I was lending my tablet to my sister, so she could play the games on it. (My dad had bought it for me when I was 9 so it was pretty old, and lagging) and she wanted to go to my room upstairs to be with me (because somehow, even when I lowkey hated her (cuz forced proximity) she still loved me and wanted to be with me (and that honestly brokes my heart and make me want to cry, because at this point, we were bullying each other)).
But as she open the door of the stairs, J tells her that she souldn't go see me, that I will hurt her again blah blah blah. So I'm hurt, because I hear this, but H still go see me. But the game is lagging, a pop up went on the game, and nothing could put it away. SO I told her that it was her game, so she deals with it, which she told me that it was my tablet so I deal with it. Shit went south, and we started to argue pretty badly. J call H 1 time, 2 times, 5 times, and every time she yells "five more minutes", until he starts to go upstairs, and barges in my room.
He took her arm, and yanked her out of my room so violently that she fells, and then he slapped me on my ear and upper cheek so hard that my head turned, and then he yells at my sis and he go back downstairs with her. And I'm sat on my bed, crying, hyperventilating, like, almost suffocating, for 20 minutes, saying that he had no right to do this, that it's illegal... And my mum came in my room, I tell her that I can't do that and yada yada. She tells me that she wouldn't have done better, and she go back downstairs, leaving me there, just crying and hyperventilating.
(I only told that to my dad a year and a half ago, he and my step mother (49 F), P, were so shocked)
Then comes my 16th birthday, my dad calls me, with P and her parents, to wish me a happy bday, and my sister comes to my room. It led to such an argument over me wanting her to get out of my room that I cried on the phone and had to hang up. Dad called Mum, who called H, and me, and she yelled at me, saying that I should just have mute my phone and deal with it, so it's my fault, and I ended up having my bday canceled, and reported to four days later.
So yeah, I was pretty miserable. Then I go to my dad whole july plus the last 2 weeks of June due to the 11th and 12th graders exams, and they tell me that if I want I can go live at their house, like they said I could in summer before my 9th grade (in which time my mum fought all she could to make me annulate this, because she did not want to move out).
So I said that I wanted to live at my dad, and then I go back to my mum for August! ... Oh boy. So, I go back at my then home, and the adults are talking, I'm not quite happy being there, but hey, J's daughter, E, is here, and she is amazing, she is a big part of how I literally survived there. So, they are talking, I'm a bit bored, so, resting face, like, emotionless face... Which happed to be a resting bitch face, so it looks like I'm unhappy being home.
So then goes the nicknames, the comparison between being at my mum and at my dad as usual, and like, P a,d her sister, D, encouraged me into talking for myself, so I tried, but me talking up to myself equals being disrespectful and insolent in their books, so guess what? I'm being yelled out. Yay. The first night back home. So then other shit happens, like, me and E not doing the dishes, after she didn't told us to do it, just because she assumed I would do it after doing the dishes for three weeks at my dad. (Which they asked me to do so!!!)
That's the last straw for me, and I decides that the next day, I'll tell her. Yep. It was awful. The worst summer of my life. Lil sis forbid from seeing me since "I hate them all". Witholding hugs, znd physical affection from me (when my love language is physical touch). The pizza saturday nights? Gone too, if I don't want to be here when shit aren't good, why would they share the good moments with me? (so I ate at 7pm soup, then go straight to bed).
Mum set the rules : she would provide me food, a roof above my head, clean clothes, school necessities, and nothing else. I need a hair trim, new jeans, or shoes? You'll ask you father during Halloween break.
(for the time line, this was in 2022, just as I'm about to enter 11th grade)
And oh this school year... From august 2022 until june 2023, it was awful. And know that it's during this year that me and my sister finally started to get along!
So actually wanting to be with her and seeing her when her parents forbids it because "I don't like them anymore" was very tough.
So, going back to my step father, he started to just ignoring me, or sighting at every thing I do, because how dare I drink water, or put pepper in my soup? But before, in September, shit went badly.
Like, I learned from friends that sometimes people didn't smoke real tobacco, but tea, and so I told it during lunch. (You should know that I have that marvelous addiction call self harm... and at this pint I had been relapsing for the past two weeks). And the make fun of me, because i presented that fact like all actors smoked tea instead of real cigarettes, and when they did the research, it showed that it was just a few people that did this. And then J starts moking my weight and calling me a circle, and it was, again, the last straw, and I relapsed again... In a stupid way. And J saw me going through the medical supplies, he told my mum, who then went to see me, and i couldn't lie to her, so I just, lifted my shirt and she saw it.
So she panics, yells at me, asking what was going on in my mind, calling the neighbour was is a nurse, she puts bandages on the thing yada yada yada. You should know that I did not, under any circumtances, wanting my baby sister to know. So when she went to say good bye to me because she had a bday party at a friends hous ethat after noon and I noticed how careful she was with my belly when she hugged me, it broke me, because I didn't want her to know.
And my mum told me H thought that I tried to kms. Which broke me even more. We then went to a hospital, when I was checked by a doctor (it was really superficial, smh, I didn't need that but eh), and then saw a psychiatrist. Who didnt make my mum leave the room. I had to tell in front of her that I wish I was never born, and that I sometime wished she had abort me when she had the chance. Yay.
So then the psych directed me to another, who, after a few tests, diagnosed me with anxiety, depression, memory and attention issues, mood disorder, and suicidal. Yay. That changed absolutely nothing.
Hell, during Christmas holidays, I wanted to see a film with my sisters, and they accepted under the condition that we do not sit on her bed, with which, of course, J made another ""joke"" about my weight. I had no reaction whatsoever besides just one single tear running down my cheek. But H saw it, and she went mad at my place, and we got yelled at a lot.
(You also need to know that during these events, my best friends were ignoring me, I was all alone in the dorms, had to go alone through a lot of panic attacks, had to eat alone, when one of them sees me, and knows I hate loneliness but she doesn't give a damn. I had other friends, but it was still hurting me like a bitch.)
My friends at school, to which I was telling these things cause I """love""" trauma dumping, were all trying to convinve me that my mum was toxic, and I didn't believed them until that fateful night of January.
Mum was telling us that we, H and I, weren't the centre of the universe, that if someone doesn't conctact us, it's okay, and shit. (pretty ironic since she yelled at me for not calling her as she had Covid), and my sister said "well, so do you". I swear I was eating my soup, not daring to move an inch too much, barely breathing, almost crying. Then I went to brush my teeth, and then my sister joined me, still getting yelled at because she can't just let mum talk, she has to talk back.
So while I'm fighting back my tears and heart break, I have to see and listen my sister getting screamed out, and spanked (she was 11), and trying to lock the bathroom door because she just has enough. When she locked the door, I tried to be fast to finshish brushing my teeth because I wanted to hug her, but mum manage to get H to open it, so I tried to take my time washing my face and hands, but I still finished before I could hug her.
So I went in ly room, and just had a breakdown, a full ass panic attack. And it's that night that I understand how toxic, and manipulatrice she is. She told us that "we have noone else, we can only count on her and J, and that's it." when I have my dad, and H has her aunts and other family.
Then it's Febuary. Dad tells me that it's now impossible to have me at their house, because no more car, and money shortage. And strangely, it's also around that time that mum gets better, warmer, nicer, smoother. How strange !
but still having little passive agressive words, like, I go to hug her because I am touched starve "oh you like your mother now?", some things like that, that just makes it soo difficult.
And it's still hard to live there all the time. And my school nurse suggest that I call CPS.
For a time, I hesitate, i'm scared. Until the night before my 17th birthday.
So, it was during the weekend, and my sister had a friend over from friday night to sunday morning, and that sunday morning, they woke up with two sipders above their head, like, big body, big legs, terrifying. So my sister, scared, asks me if I can sleep with her that night. And I say yes, of course. (I have been refusing for year now, and I regret it soo much now...)
Problem, mum says no. So my sister freaks out. She yells, and cries, and begs my mum because she is scared, and "I promise I will sleep normally after just tonight pleaaaase" (she has a history of night terrors, and difficulty to go to sleep, she slept in her parents room until last year if I remember correctly.)
Also, prior to that moment, I was in H's room, and I was on her bed, with my back laying on it. (She had the twin size bed of her parents, because mum slept badly, so they took E and I's bed, and I got a bed I had when i was two years old, which literally breaks during the night because of how fragile that shit it!) And J walkes in, yells at my for being on the bed. H yells back, saying it's her room and her bed, and she can decides who can go on her bed, and J responds by saying that it's his house, therefore his room and it's his bed so he gets to decide who goes in there.
Back to my sister freaking out. So I go brush my teeth, and then I don't really know what happened, but now H is trying to convince J, who does not agree. Then he comments on how I was laying like a pig on her bed, which upsets me. The thing was, that my mum was in the way, with an arm popped up on her hips, so when I forcefully went, she got mad, because I pushed her arm, and she started to yell at me how ingrateful I was, how I only like them for money (lmao, what money?) That I was demanding things (me when I asked for my shoes :"uh, hey mum, would it be possible to buy me new shoes please?")
And then, she threatened to slap me. In front of my sister. This is when I decided that I needed to ask my therapist to call cps.
But... He had to tell my mum, because he can't legally blindside her with this. And she freaked out. Saying she didn't want to go to jail, that how dared he, yada ydad yada. (No one, no one who know they did nothing wrong, would rzact that xay. She knows she is guilty). So then, since she did no want cps at home, because she knew if they get me and H to talk, they'll end up in trouble, my therapist basically blackmailed her into making me leave her house, or he'll call cps on her.
Because I was in danger, I was so low in my mental health, and hinting on possibly kms, so yeah. In danger.
So remember how my dad couldn't take me in? Well he had to take me in urgently. So I slept on the couch for 6 months, until my bed was built, but I still sleep in the living room.
So, right after my exam, I g to my dad, for the whole summer. Once of the best summer, if not the best summer in my life. Sure mum forgot to call me for the whole August and two weeks in September, after she yelled at my dad for forgetting to call me. But it's fine.
And I at first I don't want to go to her for Halloween break. But I want to see my sister, and I plan a day at my best friend's house that lived near my small village. I was supposed to go for a week. But it went south on Tuesday, after I came back from by best friend's house. I had just taken mly shower, and J was on the phone with E. I don't remember the ordeal, but it was about me going to E's house, and me talking to N, E'm mum.
Anyways, things went shitty, and I ended up confessing that J was the reason why I self harmed in September 2022. Yay. So I asked to go back home earlier, and instead of Sunday, I went back on Friday.
And Mum promised me to call and text more... Until she sends me those messages, telling me that she does not want me for Chistmas, that it would ruin it for every one, that she won't step up for me if J starts to bully me again, liken she is actively choosing J, and is trying to make it look like it's my fault?? I'l sorry??
So I breakdown, I show it to my dad, and his parents, and after talking, I decide to block my mother on every thing except tiktok, because I have no idea what is her account, and I have too much followers to be able to search up any suspicious accounts...
So AITAH?
(I left out a lot of things, like she blamed me for their new financial problme, because she has to pay child support, and losing the State's financial help, or that she refused to let me go to my brother's funeral after he was born sleeping, refusing that I serves as an "emotional clutch to my dad" when I needed support too... (she was not the mother, P is.) that she spend our last moment together being passive aggressive...)

We live in an age of miracle and wonder, so don't cry.
It's ten pm on a Friday, there better not be a crowd about to shuffl ein, and i'm sitting on my dock, smelling the pungent odor of the springtime bay, redolent in sulfer and rot, listening to a recording of one of my favorite bands performing in one of my favorite places (oddly enough for this post, not Coachella, but a closely aligned desert wonderland), reflecting on the week, and the weekend before it, and feeling a fever of peace and joy sink in, as it has every night this week.
This was a good year. It was not 2019 — but nothing is — and it did not carry the visceral The greeemotional relief and freedom of 2023, but it was a good year, and very likely Saturday night will hold in my memory as one of those rare moments of crystallized purity that will echo through my heart for the rest of my life.
I feel bad that I didn't spend more time with those of y'all I know, or meet up with those I have been wanting to meet for years; I want that time, and I want those meetups, and the mutual joy and love we can share, and at the same time, this year was a year of following — floating in a sense where the wind and my pack would take me, fixed around a few points, and planning at Coachella is hard. Next year, I hope. 🙂
—--
I drove just over 1043 miles, getting to our sanctuary and returning home. The drive back was straightforward — the need to get home and coallspse in exhaustion outweighing the desire to explore and experience the new. It was a good drive; I was light, and happy, still widing the wave of the weekend, listening to some of the sets from weekend one, listening to a playlist of some of my favorite songs from all of the decades, ignoring the road as much as could safely be done.
The drive up, on the other hand — day negative one is the start of the adventure; if it's going to take me nine hours in the best case, I might as well make it take longer for a better experience. I hate I-5, the constant interweaving of traffic, the pressure from the cars behind me telling me to go faster, the absolute utter boringness of the landscape. And I've always liked smaller country roads, the roads that don't take me home to the place I belong but which allow me to see the places I am passing through, to know a little bit, as best can be understood from the road, the land and the people and the work of the parts of the state that are not home, but which are still part of my community.
So while I did take 580 out, and had short stretches on both 5 and 10, for the most part I stuck ot the back roads. The green fields of Westley, the empty shell of Crow's Landing, the beautiful mountain-adjacent plains south of Coalinga, the utterly bizarre industrial wasteland of McKittrick and Taft, the utterly gorgeous open desert northeast of Landers, and — in a surprise deviation recommended by a navigation system that i'm still not entirely sure hadn't lost its mind, a desolate dirt road running along the south slope of Shadow Mountain, a gorgeous symbol of the desert.
It was twelve and a half hours from Alameda to Indian Wells (I posted up Wednesday night in a hotel there), some across roads i'd travelled before, some across roads entirely new, but all of them combined holding the symbol of driving out into a different world, a place far removed from home, a place far removed from the person I am in normal life. A long journey out (as it would be a long journey back), setting a stage for an adventure, and a chance to come home different than I left.
—-
Saturday was the core of the weekend.
I had three fixed points for the day: I was going to hang out with one of my packmates for a few sets, starting probably with the end of Militarie Gun and running through a bit before Sublime. Then I was going to meet up with one of my packmates and help him experience his very first edible at Sublime. Then, later, I was going to roll at Orbital, and share the experience with a third friend who was going to be tripping.
The day both did and did not go as planned. Such is the way of festivals.
I wasn't ready when my friend wanted to go in. I wasn't even in camp, I was off at another campsite, enjoying the company of friends who aren't in my camp group, and I lost track of time. So I rushed back to camp to get ready — switch into slightly less comfortable cargo shorts, pack up my substances for the day, reapply sunscreen, grab my earplugs, and hook up with a different friend to walk in with. He hasn't been to the new Sahara yet, so we walk over there and he — an engineer — is impressed and spends some time inspecting the rigging. (He's pretty sure the frame is a permanent structure, now). He's going to Young Fathers, and the friend i'm supposed to be meeting has left Militarie Gun for Young Fathers, so we all three of us meet up there.
I don't remember the Young Fathers set at all. Listening to their music as I write this, I like them, but they're not quite right, something isn't landing. And it wasn't landing for my friend, either, because after a couple of songs he wanted to go the Do Lab.
I don't split sets, usually. Unless the set forces me away, or i'm wandering looking for a place to recover when my soul is shattered by a set and i don't know what's right for that until i've tried a few things, i pick an act and i stay there. This moment, though, was about hanging out with my friend, and the do lab is the do lab and is always a great place to be, so I went with him. After a bit he wanted to go to the Yuma to see Rebeke, and I followed, but of course that didn't happen; instead we saw some of Mahmut Orhan's extended set (which was a lot of fun; Mahmut Orhan had been on my list as a top choice when I finished my research, and he absolutely lived up to my hype), and then back ot the do lab and then — then he wanted to see The Last Dinner Party.
The Last Dinner Party is the queerest vibe I have ever felt at a festival. They out-queered the Indigo Girls.
I have not historically described myself as queer. I am a gay man, but that isn't the same thing; they are different cultures and different vibes (and i've never had occasion to integrate with gay male culture and have no idea if I even can). But I live in a queer household, and we're the kind of household wit the kind of vibe where of course we'll all interact with each other's friends because if this person i love is friends with you there must be something in you that is worth befriending (or at least attempting, sometimes you just bounce off of people). So this set, the little bit I saw of it before I had to run off and take care of bodily functions, was like a bit of actual home — not the stress nor the work nor the person I am when not at festivals, but the feel, the resonance — was like a little bit of actual home had appeared sua sponte in the tent with me. And that, in turn, forced me to admit that I should identify as queer, because the queer community is one of my communities (along side the festival lover community and the fantasy nerd community and the raver community and the board gamer community and …), and because the vibe of queerness gives me a feeling of home (not in the same way that the right festivals are home, but breaking that down is something i haven't done yet).
(mikron the paragraph above goes into what I was trying to communicate in that incoherent talking I was doing when I bounced into you in the crowd)
—-
Sublime is not my music. I mean, they've got some catchy tunes, and you can't have lived in urban california in my generation and not known some of their songs intimately. But I wanted to be there for my friend, and how can you not dance to Sublime? And I absolute adore how happy and excited Jakob was to be there. I feel bad for Rome, having been summarily dismissed after so much time, and yet I also feel super excited for Jakob. I hope he gets the healing he is looking for and that it brings him tremendous joy.
My friend and I wanted to go in different directions after Sublime, and a third friend had been there with us, so I left him in the hands of our other friend (also inexperienced with this substance but … they've been friends for decades, and the important thing is that my friend not be alone, so all is good.
In principle I want to go see the Red Pears, but I really have to go use a bathroom, and I want some water and a red bull on the way. And i'm having so much fun moving slowly through the crowd and watching it that i'm not really pushing time wise. Eventually I make it to the permanent bathrooms, take one look at the line, and say fuck no — so I wander over to the heineken dome porta potties, figuring that they'll be less used and have shorter lines (true) and be cleaner than average (not true). On the way I notice that my pashmina feels warm in a way that it hasn't before.
After I poop and iwpe myself, I stumble to a trash can and throw up.
Oh, fuck. it's mild heat exhaustion.
I've had mild heat exhaustion once before — in 2011 — but i've never thrown up. In 2011, I laid down on the grass between the Sahara and the Gobi and listened to laidback luke and just let myself recover for two hours. So I basically did the same, sitting with my back to the heineken dome fence, waiting for my body to settle. Only the red bull had come up, which was good; but i still needed hydration, and water wasn't right, so i downed a couple of lemonades, tested myself by going to the permanent bathrooms to piss, and then decided it was ok to try the next set i wanted to go to.
Keivn Kaarl has a beautiful voice. The crowd he attracted was adorable — it was almost all couples who both saw his music as being romantic music with special meaning in their relationships. Every couple was an island, which was kind of weird because it meant there was no general crowd cohesion, but it still worked, and the beauty was entrancing.
I took my MDMA on instinct, almost without deciding to. I'd been debating ever since I threw up — I really want to do this tonight, this is the time, but i'm already suffering from dehydration and possible minor heat exhaustion, what the fuck, that's a terrible idea. I didn't want to decide so I told myself i'd go to the set before Orbtial and see how I felt. But when the moment came I did no analysis, no second guessing, I just — dove in.
It was a bad decision, objectively. It was the right decision, though.
Orbital was one of those holy grail moments, when the crowd united as a single organism. Not as intensely connected as at that four tet set in 2019 — but definitely connected enough that we moved as one, both physically and emotionally, the band conducting the movement of a larger organism, our brain.
Everyone who was there wanted to be there. If you weren't there for orbital specifically, you were at Tyler or Dom Dolla or whoever the Do Lab special guest was or you'd gone home. These were the true fans (and their friends), and that meant we were all attuned specifically for this music to move us, because it had moved us before. It was sublime.
And then, about fifteen minutes into their set, the first peak hit, and the music took me, and I ceased to exist for a while.
On the way out, we went by the do lab, and I caught a massive energy bounce off of the cover of Innerbloom that closed out the night. It's crazy how charged that song still is, and hearing it at a festival? It's like levels was, or sanctuary, or we are your friends in the early days, or ceiling can hold us for that one fleeting summer, and it's been like that for what, seven years now? How?
We didn't want to go to bed, of course. And the energy back at camp was going to be bed time energy. So we went up on the hill, and watched the festival go to sleep, and stared at the lights, and felt the warm wind blow on our backs. I vividly remember a dude who dragged a wagon full of speaker system up the hill to chill with his girlfriend listening to music, and a woman chasing a pink hat that had gotten away from her in the wind, ubt what I remember most were these waves of peace that rode over me and through me. i'm still riding the last of those waves.
—-
I was so pissed with myself that I missed the beer shotgun by a mere five minutes. How the fuck did I do that? I was precisely on time, but I had the time wrong in my mind (by five minutes). Next year!
I still didn't get in until three. The time with my friends, hanging out as the people we are at festivals — while the holy grail is to hold that version of me at all times and integrate his joy and love and peace into day to day life, i'm human and i fail, and pick myself up and try again and fail and pick myself up and try again, and i doubt i am unique in that regard — is as valuable as the festival itself, in some ways, and i'm just slow in the mornings when i don't have to be up and moving for work calls before i'm even truly awake, and so while i told myself i'd go in at the start of the day (and have in previous years), that just wasn't a thing this year.
But one of my camping buddies and I went in and scoped the new layout, dropping some friends off at tents, and then circled back for the end of miss monique and innellea. they were fun, particularly because they align more closely with my dance-electronic tastes than we normally get at coachella.
I enjoyed them. I'd go see them again. But they haven't registered in my memory, they've already faded and it's only been a week. But I danced, and I smiled, and I felt the joy of the crowd and the joy of my heart play together, and it was a good afternoon.
Another pack mate and I saw some of L'Imperatrice, and then I went to grab food and water and bathroom on my way to Quasar. I needed to post up where someone might meed up with me (they didn't, which was absolutely fine, but i needed to be where I said i'd be and I was having an absolute blast so why move?) so I sat on the back of one of the fences around a speaker stack and watched the crowd while listening. I love the crowd, love people, so much, and it was so fun to watch a happy crowd ebb and flow while listening to some of the most beautiful music of the last decade, all while watching the sun set. I didn't stay for the whole thing — a bunch of us were meeting up for Justice —- but I adored what I heard.
In the justice crowd, three different subpacks of my camping crew stumbled into each other and merged (we've all been doing this for many years, we all have the same instincts for where to go in a crowd to get the best experience for the least unpleasant crowd interaction, this happens to us all the time), so something like ten of us danced together to justice, experiencing beauty and joy.
The friend I was tripping with wanted to go to Lana, and so I went to Lana.
If you've read this far (wow! thank you!) then you probably already know that i've never forgiven Lana's fans for that terrible neutral milk hotel experience in 2014. It is absolutely petty of me, but that is also one of only two leigtimately bad experiences i've had at Coachella, and i just haven't wanted to let go of the grudge. But i'm not going to go into a crowd surly and unhappy, fuck that, i have a responsibility to the crowd to engage with the music as best i can and find the beauty in it i can because if the festival is working right all of our emotional states influence each other's, and as a matter of basic respect for the artist. So, enabled with the power of tripping, I let go of the grudge and opened my heart as best I could.
Lana's music is not my music. That's not a surprise. But she is very skilled, and she was clearly connecting with her fans in a way that was mesmerizing. It was weird tripping there because the vibe of the music clashed with the euphoria of the trip, and the energy level didn't match my energy level at all, but the music was good, and i'm happy to have had the experience (even if I won't be looking to repeat it 🙂
—-
I really wanted to see Mdou Moctar. And I did, a song or two, and it was beautiful and energizing. And being social in the campgrounds was too important, especially as I was still feeling high from the night before (intervening sleep notwithstanding). But it was gorgeous, and i'll keep a look out for his next tour.
I was supposed to go meet a friend at Eli&Fur, but (especially given how cautious I was being with sun exposure and water consumption after throwing up the night before) there was no way I was going to stand in that line. So I figured i'd go to hermanos gutierrez, but i wanted to smoke a joint before i did that, and so i ducked into the crowd at yg marley and ….
my exposure to hiphop, in the 90s, came through one of two channels: what i was naturally exposed to by virtue of being a massive dj shadow fan, and what i was exposed to because my roommate was a big hiphop fan. So I inherited his taste in hip-hop: xzibit, krs-one, blackalicious (RIP Gift of Gab). I've expanded it over the years, largely through coachella exposure (K'naan! the Perceptionists!), but the core came from him. And he was a Fugees fan.
I didn't think I cared until I was there, and when she started singing Killing Me Softly, I cried.
I made my way to Hermanos Gutierrez, still bouncing from the fugees high. Their music is beautiful (honestly, if I had to say one thing other than orbital absolutely blew me away with the beauty of the music, it would be Hermanos Gutierrez), and I stood, riveted … while my mind moved from joy to contemplation.
And then I went to Skream.
Somehow in the late 90s my love for DJ Shadow led me down two strande of music: stuff like Future Sound of London, Orbital, and the early versions of trance (on the one hand), and drum and bass, mostly british, as epitomized by the "Speed Limit 140 BPM+" and "Speed Limit 180 BPM+" CDs. i've wanted to see skream for on the order of twenty years.
i had a blast. i'm for sure going to see him at lightning, that's like my one conflict killer and the one thing where i'll absolutely unquestionably go my own way no matter what my group is doing.
i also learned, in that moment ….
if i hadn't met my ex when i did, and fallen in love, and had the path of my life diverted to walk with him (at first, and then alongside him later) in places we wanted to experience together, what i wanted was to become a rave kid (or a jungle club kid — i'd bring rave ethos with me either way but both musics worked for me). but, dancing in the mojave to skream on sunday night, i learned that it wouldn't have worked —- i wasn't emotionally stable enough to be part of any community, i was not open enough to feel the emotions of others well, and i didn't have enough self-knowledge to be willing or able to face my own demons. i coudld never gotten out of festivals and raves then what i get out of them now, and as unable to connect as I was in those days, I would probably have found them profoundly and deeply alienating and lonely.
I'd agreed to meet with a friend at Lupe Fiasco. (he took what is my favorite picture of me in more than a decade, i think at tat set); we were going to see a couple songs then go meet up with his default subpack for some sets.
I'm an absolutely terrible skateboarder, but skateboarding is still in my blood a little bit, and I adored "Kick, Push". Standing there at the bar, next to my friend, us both shouting along with the song …. even though my voice was going out … is one of my favorite memories of the weekend.
We made our way over, past the quasar, through the river, bypassing grandmother's house, to see Anyma. It was absolutely fucking fantastic. They left to go see Barry Can't Swim (through a miscommunication i thought only some of them were leaving, and had intended to stay with the part of the group which was staying, but ended up staying by myself), and I stayed, dancing to an incredible set.
I stayed for DJ Snake; the group was coming back (for one thing), and … i'm here, and there's nothing pulling me away, and right now i want to go where th emoment has taken me, and that's here, a place where i would never have come on my own.
I've never seen DJ Snake. When i've listened to livestreams as part of research, it sounds TERRIBLE. It was a lot of fun.
I'll never be able to listen to him while working or driving or doing anything other than seeing a live set, but the set itself was fun. some of that was the crowd, some was the setting, some was the fact that i can see aspects of his music as the lineal descendant of what skream and his cohort were doing when i was listening to them twenty yers ago, and while that's not home (trance is home) it's a fun place to visit and party.
i saw about twenty minutes of john summit. it was ok. i expected to like it more. so i left while i still felt the vibe from dj snake, and carried it home with me.
—
This has been long, and rambling. But I needed to write it, because it helps crystallize the memory and can serve as a reminder to help bring back echoes of the moments. And I wanted to share it, because many of us do coachella in similar ways and it is fun, and good for us, to share stories with one another.
I love y'all, and wish you a happy year, until Coachella season comes round again.