My family has always been of great minds. I hated it. Growing up and having to study day and night to try and live up to them was extremely exhausting when I couldn't care how things worked as long as I was happy. I gave up but somehow everything kept turning out to be true.
Over my lifetime I have become the Gorden Ramsey of the science world. Known for my temper and also for huge things like curing world hunger using play-doe and cancer with baby powder I got in a back street ally while drunk.
To get my family off my back I started making random ideas so they could see me as a failure and leave me alone but...they keep working. And soon people started to praise me. Fame has left me with nothing but more and more attention. So today I plan to make sure that everyone can just think I'm insane and leave me alone and not some king.
I chuckled like a kid who was opening a Christmas present as I heard the crowd of people chatting and talking loudly as I hid behind my stage in a grey tight suit that my sister had picked out. I sighed and was ready to walk out and make a fool out of myself but my brother stopped me.
" Jack... I just want you to know how proud I am of you. Dad would have loved to see you right now. "
I thought it was ironic because last night while chilling on the couch watching TV and eating chips I made this theory up. He dusted off my shoulders held them tight and looked me in the eyes taking in the moment.
" go give them hell man. "
He had a goofy smile just like Dad but spoke with confidence.
" you got it, man. "
I heard my name being called onto the stage and the uproar startled me for a second but I collected myself and headed out after giving him a nod just to entertain him.
The lights were blinding as I grabbed the mic and looked at the table in front of me with a small box with the ingredients I needed and a chalkboard behind me.
After I stood still for a minute the crowd died down. I had not told anyone what I was presenting so the whole world was watching without a clue of what I was doing this time.
"Hello everyone. Today I believe I have my most important presentation yet..."
The crowd grew silent and hung on every word. And I heard my voice around the room through the speakers.
" Today I have with me a box...and inside is spaghetti I had for breakfast. "
The crowd laughed thinking it was a joke
" shut up "
The crowd grew silent once more
"Behind me is a chalkboard and I will now present my new findings to all of you...I have found out how to make portals to other worlds. "
A man in the far back of the audience yelled bullshit in a heavy Indian accent but he was so far it was a faint sound for me. I smiled at that thinking I had finally found something that would make me lose my title and I could go ahead and live a life without people making me feel like an evil man for not helping others.
I opened the box got a handful of the noodles and threw them at the chalkboard. I then grabbed a paper towel on standby to clean myself.
The noodles hit the board and slowly moved and rested on a spot on the board. I made eye contact with my brother backstage and he had a look on his face showing he believed in me.
I spun the board dropping the noodles to the ground I then grabbed the chalk and drew around the sauce and noodles that stuck to the board then drew my attention to the others that had fallen on the floor and drew an outline of that.
After it finished I threw the chalk in the crowd violently hitting an old lady in the face.
" Quickly I want a show of hands who thinks I'm a crazy guy "
Everyone raised their hands and I laughed to myself
I then went behind the board and laid it horizontally. I grabbed a small knife in my pocket and poked my finger with it. The crimson blood fell and hit the chalk and then as more and more blood hit the chalk it started glowing.
" you have got to be joking. "
I said out loud as it started to spark an orange glow and it slowly grew color to the rest of the chalk in orange sparks.
Once the symbol was fully sparking with orange the sauce began to swell and move around in a counterclockwise manner. I stepped away from it in shock as small parts of the blood in my finger began to float to the parts where it fell on the floor I drew my outlines on and started sparking those as well.
It started to smoke and hiss as if lightning could whisper and the orange began to take shape and the sauce made a doorway. The parts that were not on the board began to grow ice around them and started to make designs on the floor circling me and the board. Suddenly it grew in size and a large booming voice was heard through the portal as I felt panic of people start to set in.
A huge claw came out and scrapped the sides of my table trying to crawl out from the world it had been trapped in. Cold winds hit me as they cut my skin and threw around my clothes. As I saw the table was now melting from its touch.
A slimy green claw with mucus like a face-hugger egg from the movie Alien carved through the floor and pulled the rest of its body out slowly. A beast stood at 12 feet tall adjusting to our world as goop grew and shaped its body as people screamed, ran, and stood frozen in fear.
As it looked around it locked its spider-like eyes and swerled around coming out from the portal and twisting and turning around the body as it made its way to its head finding a place to rest. It then locked its eyes with me and its jaw twisted slowly from an ant-like maw to mine and slowly shrunk and it soon took the shape of me and knelt on the floor and spoke to me.
" master. "
I stood in shock as everyone seemed to calm down and watched to see what I would do.
"...umm "My family has always been of great minds. I hated it. Growing up and having to study day and night to try and live up to them was extremely exhausting when I couldn't care how things worked as long as I was happy. I gave up but somehow everything kept turning out to be true.
Over my lifetime I have become the Gorden Ramsey of the science world. Known for my temper and also for huge things like curing world hunger using play-doe and cancer with baby powder I got in a back street ally while drunk.
To get my family off my back I started making random ideas so they could see me as a failure and leave me alone but...they keep working. And soon people started to praise me. Fame has left me with nothing but more and more attention. So today I plan to make sure that everyone can just think I'm insane and leave me alone and not some king.
I chuckled like a kid who was opening a Christmas present as I heard the crowd of people chatting and talking loudly as I hid behind my stage in a grey tight suit that my sister had picked out. I sighed and was ready to walk out and make a fool out of myself but my brother stopped me.
" Jack... I just want you to know how proud I am of you. Dad would have loved to see you right now. "
I thought it was ironic because last night while chilling on the couch watching TV and eating chips I made this theory up. He dusted off my shoulders held them tight and looked me in the eyes taking in the moment.
" go give them hell man. "
He had a goofy smile just like Dad but spoke with confidence.
" you got it, man. "
I heard my name being called onto the stage and the uproar startled me for a second but I collected myself and headed out after giving him a nod just to entertain him.
The lights were blinding as I grabbed the mic and looked at the table in front of me with a small box with the ingredients I needed and a chalkboard behind me.
After I stood still for a minute the crowd died down. I had not told anyone what I was presenting so the whole world was watching without a clue of what I was doing this time.
"Hello everyone. Today I believe I have my most important presentation yet..."
The crowd grew silent and hung on every word. And I heard my voice around the room through the speakers.
" Today I have with me a box...and inside is spaghetti I had breakfast. "
The crowd laughed thinking it was a joke
" shut up "
The crowd grew silent once more
"Behind me is a chalkboard and I will now present my new findings to all of you...I have found out how to make portals to other worlds. "
A man in the far back of the audience yelled bullshit in a heavy Indian accent but he was so far it was a faint sound for me. I smiled at that thinking I had finally found something that would make me lose my title and I could go ahead and live a life without people making me feel like an evil man for not helping others.
I opened the box got a handful of the noodles and threw them at the chalkboard. I then grabbed a paper towel on standby to clean myself.
The noodles hit the board and slowly moved and rested on a spot on the board. I made eye contact with my brother backstage and he had a look on his face showing he believed in me.
I spun the board dropping the noodles to the ground I then grabbed the chalk and drew around the sauce and noodles that stuck to the board then drew my attention to the others that had fallen on the floor and drew an outline of that.
After it finished I threw the chalk in the crowd violently hitting an old lady in the face.
" Quickly I want a show of hands who thinks I'm a crazy guy "
Everyone raised their hands and I laughed to myself
I then went behind the board and laid it horizontally. I grabbed a small knife in my pocket and poked my finger with it. The crimson blood fell and hit the chalk and then as more and more blood hit the chalk it started glowing.
" you have got to be joking. "
I said out loud as it started to spark an orange glow and it slowly grew color to the rest of the chalk in orange sparks.
Once the symbol was fully sparking with orange the sauce began to swell and move around in a counterclockwise manner. I stepped away from it in shock as small parts of the blood in my finger began to float to the parts where it fell on the floor I drew my outlines on and started sparking those as well.
It started to smoke and hiss as if lightning could whisper and the orange began to take shape and the sauce made a doorway. The parts that were not on the board began to grow ice around them and started to make designs on the floor circling me and the board. Suddenly it grew in size and a large booming voice was heard through the portal as I felt panic of people start to set in.
A huge claw came out and scrapped the sides of my table trying to crawl out from the world it had been trapped in. Cold winds hit me as they cut my skin and threw around my clothes. As I saw the table was now melting from its touch.
A slimy green claw with mucus like a face-hugger egg from the movie Alien carved through the floor and pulled the rest of its body out slowly. A beast stood at 12 feet tall adjusting to our world as goop grew and shaped its body as people screamed, ran, and stood frozen in fear.
As it looked around it locked its spider-like eyes and swerled around coming out from the portal and twisting and turning around the body as it made its way to its head finding a place to rest. It then locked its eyes with me and its jaw twisted slowly from an ant-like maw to mine and slowly shrunk and it soon took the shape of me and knelt on the floor and spoke to me.
" master. "
I stood in shock as everyone seemed to calm down and watched to see what I would do.

"...umm "

Part two of the noodle demon.
Now that this creature knelt before me I realized that the room I was in was so terrible quietly you could hear everyone's ass get tight in anticipation of what would happen next.
" ...what...are you. "
I spoke carefully to the being that had taken the shape of myself. It still took my breath away and my throat was dry.
The beast was a deep green. The color mixed with shades of grey streaming from it. The longer I looked at it I could see it getting closer to what I looked like shaping itself.
From small flowing green tendrils to an arm they grew as they twisted and made bone then muscle and finally skin.
It locked eyes with me and it smiled deeply at me. As it formed the face finally.
" Your vassle. "
My eyes had not moved to the crowd at all but even though the lights hit the stage so hard it was enveloped in smoke.
The creature's eyes glowed as it answered brightly, not figuratively. This thing's eyes were glowing.
"To serve you, We are bound by blood magic. I am a reflection of your desires, Master, " it said, its voice now a whisper in my mind.
It began to stand up as my grey suit began to form on it and by the time it stood fully up it had copied what I looked like.
" let me explain everything. "
My body frozen in fear woke up with adrenaline as I blinked and a flash of green smoke covered my vision as he teleported right to me face to face.
Its body turned to smoke and went into the slits of my eyes. I felt visions follow me in my peripheral vision but surprisingly no pain followed power filled me and it felt like one hell of a drug.
My body and mind altered.
I was now in a very dark place with no walls or light except my reflection on the floor which waved like water.
I took a step back looking around and back to the reflection of me on the ground.
Soon the water rippled and my reflection fell through the floor like gravity was inverted. he flew upright and water fell off of him as he looked at me as he now stood straight ahead of me. He was just reflecting in the water but now eyed me down.
Collecting my nerves.
I begin to speak.
" what do you want..."
He was still in my form and stood perfectly straight. Now with water dripping from his...my hair.
Slight stubble with hair that hung down and my hazel eyes were not present within him but I was greeted with a swelling acidic green that doubled the size of my pupil.
" to serve you. "
He made no other movement than putting his hands behind his back like a soldier at ease.
I could not tell if it was lying or not.
" ...is that it? "
" I am the embodiment of your fear desires and brilliance. You have shaped me. Your desire for solitude birthed me. I will aid you in shaping the world how you see fit. Your reality becomes mine. "
There was a slight echo in the room as he spoke.
" wait...where are we "
I questioned haphazardly
" your mind. "
An awkward silence was in the air until I spoke
" so...am I just standing on the stage not making a sound? "
He gave me a concerned look.
" no...time has frozen outside for you. You may sleep here without having to in the real world so to others you look as if you never rest and you may think and plan what to do in battle here. For them, it will be about two seconds...Do...do you not have any knowledge of what I am? "
Suddenly I felt bad like I had encountered someone famous and I had no idea who they were. A slap in the face like a popular kid meeting someone who had never heard of them. Ego shattered.
" ok sorry no. I...don't go around reading about...monsters?"
I felt like was I saying the n-word of the demon realm not knowing if that word was offensive.
He folded his arms a little upset.
"Are you not a warrior? "
" well...no I...just watch TV and cook here and there- "
The demon cut me off
" weak. "
" excuse me? "
" look. I am an immortal being and after a while you get bored. So I'm sorry if I may be a little upset after being bonded with some nobody. "
I got quiet and I was a little annoyed that I was being roasted by some demon that I just met.
Its form wavers and eyes begin to open on its skin. Cheeks forhead etc.
"After being a god for so long it's fun to play with limitations. Makes things extremely exciting. "
" what do you mean by that? "
" look. You can only be so entertained by the same things. Life gets boring and now...you are going to help me with this. I get to have pure entertainment while you get every wish you could ever want. A mutual bond no? "
He then closed his eyes annoyed and the other eyes meshed back to his skin.
" though... the TV is not that interesting...life is what gets the blood pumping"
I felt the need to quickly change the topic
"Are there others like you? "
The room began to take shape very slowly as the water floor turned to wood and walls went around us.
" of course. You may meet them one day "
Confused and curious I pressed.
"Meet them? "
" yes. Summoning one of us is considered a threat to them. "
He spoke while opening and closing his newly found hand except backward.
" hm...no that don't look right "
I quickly responded
" Wait! How is doing that a threat! "
"Well, one doesn't just accidentally Summon one of us to suddenly get powers beyond human control. "
I thought back to how I summoned him by accident with some food I made.
" well...funny story but I summoned you using my breakfast..."
I had never regretted speaking so much as in that moment.
" What... "
Acid dripped from his words. Literally. His pupils split in half and his bottom jaw ripped open like an ant and curved giving sharpness to the bone.
"Please don't kill me. "
The room began to look like a cozy cabin with a fireplace and he slowly went back to normal.
" I would if I could. I've never felt so disrespected. We are bonded by your blood. If you die...I die. "
Suddenly I felt at ease by this new information.
Then a thought came to my mind
" ...God's can die? "
" you did hear me, right? "
The SAS from this guy was unneeded and I was starting to miss him being on his knees as weird as that sounds.
" so...all that power gone.... in an instant... "
" well...no actually God's powers don't just disappear they transfer to whoever killed them...wait...hold up."
He suddenly had an epiphany.
A smile grew on his face and he grabbed my shoulders
" you! You are going to help me kill the other gods! "
He sounded proud but I let him down.
" ha! No. "
" oh come on! Don't be like that. "
He did a pout.
"Look, man. I'm not killing gods for you. Just because you are bored. "
" hey...they might send people to kill you because you bonded with me. "
"What did I ever do to them? "
"They have a system to this stuff. They like to build and watch things play out. You're a problem. That can mess it up. So...they kill ya...to be honest, I don't know any other way to explain it, man. You know people normally just use my power to kill people and become a king and know this already. "
"This is outrageous. "
" bro. Look if you do this I will be able to get their powers and you will be able to do so much more than what I offer "
I tilted my head
" what can you do? Know what never mind. I will just talk to them and figure things out. "
He groaned and his form melted down sagging and it shot back up reforming
"Is there not anything that you want? Anything in the world? Gods don't put themselves in physical forms. They give people power and can make beings to hunt you. And if they care enough to come down themself. Ha, good luck."
I stopped and thought about it trying to weigh the options of pissing off higher beings.
Suddenly. I found something.
"Can you bring back the dead..."
He stopped confused.
" well...no "
" then I don't want anything "
" wait! "
He threw his arms out pleading
"I don't...but another God does..."
He crosses his arms smiling. He had left the question hanging letting me reconsider his offer.
I stopped and thought for a while before looking back up to him.
I let out a sigh and looked him in the eyes
" ok...you are going to help me get my father back. "
The demon smirked.

So, you said Lord Nicholas has no personality, which is true lol, but since I'm the devil's advocate, I took that as a challenge. Make yourself comfortable for a long read. Have some popcorn.
Why is this guy more of a tragic character, rather than a villain? And how does a man lose identity, and becomes a monster through desperation? I'll answer this for you below.
• Throughout Plague Tale Innocence, there are various signs that although he is personally close to Vitalis (no use of titles or formalities when speaking to each other) he is the execution, and not the mastermind behind the plans. For example, when Hugo's Macula was to be tested, he urged Vitalis on to put an end to the plague already, they are not here to play games.
• In the very same chapter, we get a little insight on what he believes and thinks about the conflict between the Inquisition and the De Runes. He doesn't understand why Beatrice De Rune resists their persuasion for information regarding the Macula, since their goals are shared -> ending the Plague. Ultimately, he blindly believes Vitalis wants to control the Plague to save them. And he does anything, ANYTHING to make that happen.
Commit genocide against peasants, and in the end, even go as far as killing Hugo.
Now, let's take a little turn to make a background check for this guy. Or at least what is hinted, and what can be assumed with intuition and theories.
• Like I mentioned before, him and Vitalis are personally close, and in the preultimate chapter of Plague Tale: Innocence, after his death, guards talk about him in the city. They are confused why Vitalis hasn't sent anyone for his search (I'll get to that one later), since he was his Protégé. This alone in itself wouldn't mean anything, but right after that a guard added "Maybe he found himself another Protégé" regarding Hugo of course.
Since this game is about innocence and children, it's almost safe to assume that Nicholas likely got taken under Vitalis' wings just as Hugo was now in the present. That would explain why they are close, and why Nicholas blindly trusts his master. Another dialogue backs this up, between the Arch Bishop and Vitalis. "Puppets like you will kneel and beg me to save them." and look who appears and kneels right there and then? Lord Nicholas. This is my theory, I can back it up but it isn't 100% surely true of course. Take it with a pinch of salt please.
• Now, time to get to why Vitalis didn't send anyone after Nicholas' disappearance... We saw nothing of the two months Hugo spent in the Bastion, but based on the Cathedral's state, it's safe to assume things didn't go that well with controlling the Macula. The plan was to get Hugo through the threshold finally, so that the Conjuration can begin. (Note to self: another essay later about that one). Although they tried to push Hugo through with hurting his mother, it didn't work. Because of this, Vitalis tasked Nicholas with taking Hugo to his sister, to end her life. This is simple, but it doesn't stop here.
In the chapter Blood Ties (where we control Hugo), we already meet an impatient Nicholas who wants to put an end to the Plague. Not only that, but let me get to one crucial sentence told by Vitalis. "Nicholas... You cannot understand." This hints at the disagreements between the two, and that Nicholas is not indulged in how this should be done. Nicholas tries to help Vitalis up, but he rejects the help too. It's quite symbolic for the one-sided trust between the two. Due to this growing mistrust, and how Vitalis didn't expect Nicholas to come back after his mission later on, to me it seems like Vitalis cut the ties and sent him exactly to his death to get rid of him.
• Vitalis' plan was never to get rid of Hugo once they pass the threshold ("I have a lot to teach the Carrier, and his friends."), and knew well, that Nicholas has no chance against Hugo and Amicia with the rats alongside them. He sent the man who trusted him the most to his death, and with that also chose his ultimate protégé - Hugo. It's also likely that Nicholas' mistrust grew because his position in the hierarchy was compromised, since it's likely Vitalis got obsessed with Hugo, and Nicholas almost realized he is played with. There is also the idea, that Vitalis sent him away to actually save him from the white rats he meant to send on the crowd anyway. Anyway, Vitalis is for another essay...
• The betrayed, the sacrificed. Who is he? There is absolutely little we know of him, except for his title and occupation. What always speaks in Plague Tale: Innocence though, is the design. I mean look at that drip- sorry.. In "A Making of Plague Tale: Innocence" the creative developers mention the importance of faces, and overall pure, intuitive impressions we get of our characters.
• There is only one character whose face we never see, and that is Nicholas. That doesn't only play as a psychological trick to make him more terrifying, but also hints at certain points. First of all, his robes are Dominican. This is historically fitting (although there were no dominican knights) since Dominicans were those entrusted by the Church to handle trials against heresy and begin inquisitions. This also hints that he is very religious and dedicated to serving the (assumed) good. I know, no way. Let's not forget about how faded out it is, or bloody. In NO way he is a good guy, but a tragic believer? Likely. Under the robes is the armour, which is hit all around. It's no news we talk about a very experienced and efficient knight who also happens to be serving Vitalis (NOT the Church! Explained in another essay, chill.). Knights start their training at 7, and only nobles are in for the job, obviously. I made the connection, that since he likely knows Vitalis from his childhood, and his training also began when he was 7 years old, and his name was Nicholas...
Side note: In medieval times, children were named after Saints to inwoke their blessing, in this case, among many things, protecting children.
It's likely that he himself, just like those he hunts, was an orphan, perhaps even a sinner, who had to be saved by none else, than Vitalis. Give it a thought, maybe he was a lost little boy like Hugo, whose innocence was stolen way too early. With how Plague Tale likes to play with irony and parallels between characters, I don't see this as unlikely.
• All in all, he is what his occupation is, and nothing human. He is the machine that serves. The cross, the judgement. We cannot see his face, because he has no identity except what Vitalis gave him. His role, his title, his mission (perhaps even name). As it can be seen, Hugo too, was dressed in robes showing the Inquisition's sign, like a mark of ownership over him.
• From the very start of the story, he was the representative of that time's barbaric cruelty, unforgiving, misplaced judgement. And as though from the children's perspective he was a monster from the very beginning, how did it go down? As I said before, he has no identity except his committment, and through that his morals, ambitions are shown. At the very start, they ambushed the De Rune estate, and we CANNOT know, if the violance was planned beforehand or it came due to Robert's resistance.
People were taken hostage for questioning, the goal was to capture Hugo, the Carrier, and Beatrice, the only one who can help them understand the plague's origins. It was bloody, but after this chapter, you can hear guards clearly say "capture children" and not just Hugo. Now, unbelivably, I don't think he wanted Amicia bad at the start. They confront each other in the English camp for the second time (where he paid a ransom for both of them), where he tries to negotiate with her to give them Hugo and stop running. Later his methods change, telling the plain truth that there is nowehere for her to go out there (These methods of convincing show a lot of personality and insight especially in the boss fight).
Later on, it's mentioned Vitalis is going hard on him but "he is used to it". Again, their shared history is hinted. The hunt for Hugo is fruitless still, and the plague is spreading day-by-day.
Next we hear from him, is in the chapter where we visit the city with Amicia. Or rather, that he is not exactly participating in the mission killing the sick. Since him and Vitalis disagree with methods of solving the Plague, and he is occupied with catching Hugo, there is a possibility this order of slaughter was carried out without his consent. Though, this is a high take and it would be totally in character to do such a task in the means of self-preservation.
Amicia's visions of him from Penance is not reliable, but at the very same time she clearly dreamed what happened and it's likely she mixed reality with hallucinations from exhaust. If, the hallucinations were true, that means Hugo did hear Amicia, but Nicholas directly diverted his attention from her and led him away.
It's hard to speculate if he did this to let nature do its work, or to actually show mercy, which is equally possible, since it was clear from the beginning that even though she killed his men, he knew she is simply running and kills as a means to survive.
Now, as I explained earlier, many things go down when Hugo resides in the Bastion, and we can only guess what that causes. I mentioned Nicholas' growing distrust, now let me introduce you to the psychological denial he experiences during the boss fight, along with his reflections pointing at the children. The man, becoming the monster. The fire (another essay since fire in Plague Tale is symbolic) causing him to destroy himself.
In the chapter Remembrance he goes to the Château d'Ombrage along Hugo, to ensure the boy passes the threshold with killing his sister, with this enabling Vitalis to pass as well. At first, Nicholas is quite calm and confident, sending Hugo to kill her "Go, and do what has to be done.". Interestingly, despite this, he still has his sword prepared, which shows he still doesn't trust Hugo. Later on, he knocks Arthur out, but doesn't kill him senselessly, despite the fiasco at the English camp. He takes Amicia to Hugo, and now threatens him to kill her, or else he kills his mother in front of him. After that, he tells him, if Hugo does as he tells him so, maybe Vitalis keeps him by his side.
This could hint that only by accomplishments such as this, and proving devotion, can one remain important in Vitalis' eyes. Also, that maybe, Nicholas had to go through something similar, "She means nothing to you now".
Doubts and frantic impatience take hold, which ultimately lead him to take matters into his own hands. He decides to kill her, himself. As he pushes Hugo away, she calls him a bastard, which he then turns back at her, to question her morality and self-righteousness. She betrayed him, that is why he gave himself up. It can be perhaps far-fetched, but this also can count as self-reflection already. Betrayal -> causing giving up, which happens later to him too.
After Arthur "takes care of him" (not exactly...) and the siblings reunite, Nicholas wakes up and this time, immediately kills Arthur. The death is not just a shock value as many believe, it also shows the already progressing monster stepping forth, and losing humanity entirely.
The boss fight has three phases. His methods at provoking the children, and self-reflect change and become way more intense with time.
In the first phase, he tries to separate them and tells Amicia that he knows it must be difficult to live in the Carrier's shadow. Also, that they are terrified. He is poking at her most vulnerable place, their biggest fear, which's "face" is ultimately him. Also, reminding Amicia of her biggest desire, that is to be acknowledged by her parents. Especially this can count as self-reflective, since as I said earlier Nicholas likely noticed Hugo is slowly replacing him in Vitalis' eyes. The wish to excell, and be acknowledged for the devotion is a deep scar this character could carry. He also reminds them of how their father died, to remind them of honour, which Nicholas obviously has a twisted sense of.
In the second phase, his first voice line shows surprise and fear, and anger in response to those feelings. He is more reckless and aggressive too. Here, again, he manipulatively reminds them how little they can do, and threatens them. This is both calculated and instinctual, since he says such things to bring the children out of their hiding places, but at the very same time also because he is slowly losing himself. There are also lines which can be reflective to his beliefs and assumptions based on himself, such as: "Your sister won't be able to save you child.... You are alone." There were already connections made between how Vitalis saved him, and if one puts it all together, this line shows how he doesn't believe in the siblings' bond, because his own bond with Vitalis broke, and Nicholas is (alike to Hugo) alone. Or there is also the line "What do you think you can do? You are nothing. [...]" I wanted to highlight this line because Plague Tale (among many other things) is about the helplessness one faces trying to protect loved ones, and/or trying to rewrite their fates. The fact that Nicholas dehumanizes them entirely, shows he knows the fact one, them or him, cannot change the course that has been set, but he is still in denial trying to fight it (a lot like Amicia in Requiem, by the way. Also, fire (this is why that needs another essay....).
In the third phase, he becomes uncharacteristically reckless and desperate, where he succumbs to the wrath and, his fate. "Come to me, come into my arms my dear children." His sanity decreases and he knows death is unavoidable. The question left is whenever he can bring them down with himself or fails. And failure, is unacceptable. He is better dead, than failed. "I will teach you the meaning of sacrifice" this line shows that likely, he accepted his last quest knowing well he is going to die probably. That he rather burns himself, bring hell, than letting go. He keeps shouting the motto of his order, because that is the only thing that he clings to. It's pathetic and forced, inhumane. "[...] We'll die together" <-> "I will boil your blood until it spurts from your eyes", "You are going to pay, [...]" by this time, he keeps switching tactics at approaching and luring them out, frantic and monstrous. His words mean nothing by this time and desperation takes hold. What line of him is the purest, rawest, and most honest, between all the threads and claims, self-convincing attempts to maintain devoted is this: "The pain... To feel oneself alive... And deliver death." This line might seem like one among the many terrible threats, but it in fact shows his deepest belief. That is, of pain and life. Sacrifice and death. That those who live, have to kill, and that is what it means to exist in this world.
• In Plague Tale Innocence and Requiem, we see Amicia's development into a murderer who follows similarly blind committments.
She ultimately becomes, what she condemned, and what caused her great misery. What, in the end, she herself becomes if Hugo doesn't lead her on the right path. A monster.
So, to sum it all up, Lord Nicholas represents the human being of that time, whose identity is what he serves, and nothing else.
It makes one selfless, righteous, but at what cost? Violence spreads from one person to another, while everyone tries to save what is precious to them. Hope this helped seeing him as more human and with more personality. Cheers. A few more points I couldn't exactly integrate are the following:
• A few things showing the underlying morality and plain intentions: at first he tried to negotiate with both Robert, Amicia, and Beatrice as well. He condones stealing entirely. He doesn't kill Arthur at first.
• In the concept art he is left handed. In Middle Ages, left handed people were considered sinful, since it was the "devil's hand". This added with the self-punishing- self-destructive-Catholic mindset, added with his devotion, signs that he is penitent, and does what he should for a greater good, a salvation, and carries the burden of "sacrifice".

Looking for anyone with experience with solensia! My 15yo senior kitty has been having some back troubles for the last couple years but is otherwise a healthy 15lb boy. Usually we were able to treat his pain with prednisolone but once that stopped working we had to look at alternatives. After trying several different combos (gabapentin, amantadine, oral tramadol) we have landed on the solensia injection, transdermal tramadol, and he also got a steroid shot as well. After the first solensia injection we saw quite a bit of improvement, but he also got the steroid at the same time. It was so nice having our boy back. Appetite was good and he was jumping again and doing the stairs (although we try not to encourage stair use) About a week before the second injection (today) he had started to slow down a little and his appetite dropped when he started sneezing some. We suspect seasonal allergies and his steroid wearing off. He got checked out today- no fever or respiratory infection and he did get both the steroid and solensia (I’m sorry I don’t know which specific steroid I would have to ask our lovely vet). He did extremely well throughout the day following me around and mainly just napping. As of this evening he is not feeling well at all :(. He’s hiding in his usual place when he’s not feeling well (our spare bathroom on the rug where he hasn’t been in several weeks), and just seems a little out of it. He did eat some treats earlier and has peed in his litter box twice. I’m curious to know if anyone’s cat has had this type of reaction with solensia. He had a little food when we got home and some treats just a few hours ago. I should add that he did dry heave a few times but I know that nausea is a common side effect so I wasn’t too concerned about that. Of course it’s 8pm and our vet is closed, although I do have a message sent to a friend who works in veterinary care. Any advice/support appreciated!

• Species: Cat
• Age: 10 months
• Sex/Neuter status: female and spayed
• Breed: domestic shorthair, tabby and white
• Body weight: 2.78kg
• History: adopted as a stray at 6 months old, upper respiratory infection, moderate gingavitis
• Clinical signs: mildly elevated globulin, mildly low platelets
• Duration: 48 hours
• Your general location: Toronto, Canada

My cat is 10 months old and got her first dose of vaccines April 11th. She also had a few upper respiratory infections and the vet treated it with metacan. She would get better for about a week, then start having the same symptoms (eye discharge, backwards sneezing). This past week I noticed her energy levels decline and made an appointment for next weekend until last night when I noticed she was hiding in a strange place and when I picked her up she made a loud deep growl noise which I've never heard her make. I could tell she was in a lot of pain so I went to the emergency vet clinic closest to me where they did SNAP FIV/FeLV Combo test, CBC, Chem 17 Clip, QUATs (PCV/TP,BG,Blood Gas,Lytes), and gave her Maropitant 10mg injection and SQ injection. The only thing the vet flagged was that she had mildly elevated globulin, mildly low platelets (but did a smear which was normal), and that it was strange that she was so young but had moderate gingavitis. The vet said it could be cat herpes or other things but of course much more testing would be needed. They sent me home with 10 pills of 25mg gabapentin and told me to give her 1 every 12 hours. This morning before work, she still wasn't great but could walk (though was wobbly) and I gave her the first dose of gabapentin (she refused to eat so I had to force feed her a bit but she had a few bites) and watched her use the litter box. When I got home though she was in the exact same place and hadn't moved. She is completely alert and her eyes will dart to noises and her tail is moving but other than that she is completely flacid. I had to force feed her again but she seemed to be taking to it a bit more but she can't even hold her own head up or stand let alone walk now. I'm very concerned as she's been on gabapentin before but is usually very sleepy alongside the sedative affects which are usually mild. I tried bringing her to the litter box again but she won't go and started low chest growling when I picked her back up and her legs have been shaking. My sister (who is a human neurologist) thinks it could be neuro related (specifically GBS as it presents itself in 10 month old cats who have recently been vaccinated and/or sick). I'm so worried about her and don't know what to do. The vet said they would call me back but keeps saying its normal for her to be sedated from the gabapentin but I know this is something different.

Today I had to put down my little chihuahua/yorkie Charlie at age 11 due to chf. I did it preemptively to prevent him dying from chf.
He has been in heart failure for 2 years and his heart takes up over half of his chest cavity. His respiratory issues stopped (we are guessing he just stopped fighting it), he stopped using the stairs and couldn’t get comfortable laying down. He was so tired from not being able to rest properly.
I wanted him to have more time so badly, and to take him camping this summer. But I didn’t want to let him suffer. He was still eating, drinking, wagging his tail and part of me feels so guilty that I let him go while he still had life in him. But we could tell he was declining and I’d never forgive myself if he died suffering. It was very peaceful and he did not seem scared.
I’ve had him since I was 10. He’s my best friend, my soul dog, he saved me from suicidal thoughts multiple times and kept me going when I was bullied and isolated for years in school. He is everything to me. I don’t know how I’m going to go on without him.

Hey all. I've been playing Helldivers 2 for about a month now and must say it's fantastic. I'm brand new to the sub and felt like sharing some thoughts so here goes! Feel free to agree or disagree with anything as I'd love to hear what anyone has to say.
Let's get the obvious hot topic out of the way first. The new Warbond! A little lack-luster to be sure but not worthless. I think the new booster is almost a must-have for high diffi bug missions and incendiary impacts are nice! Although I don't understand how they really leave room for the traditional incendiary grenades to have a place in any loadout.
As for the guns the Pummeler is the clear W here. The stunlocking feels fantastic especially when you have friendly divers playing around you. The other new primaries and secondary seem to lack an identity amongst already established choices so hopefully they get some work done to them. (This has actually made me wonder if Palestedt's earlier ask for delaying the warbond may have been a sneaky hope that we would give them some more time to work it out, but I don't know why he wouldn't just ask directly then given the circumstances.)
Lastly on the warbond, armors. And I wanted to talk about them last in order to segue into armor in general as a topic. Not much going on in the warbond. All armors have perk and value combos we already have access to. New looks are nice but what we really want are new traits or trait combos we aren't used to, which brings me to armor in general.
I can respect the idea that armor is less used as an impactful choice and more along the lines of a playstyle selection. I wouldn't say this is a problem and in fact might be exactly what Arrowhead is going for, however it seems like it would be cool to shake some of these perks up a bit. Servo-assist + Arc resist? Explosive resist + Extra stims? Recoil reduce + Reduced Detection? Ok that last one might be too good but you get the idea. The fact that we are already starting to pile armors that have the exact same function makes me wonder if we should just have 1 shown in our list with a pullout menu to select what style we want it in. Maybe something for the future to decrease clutter. Also on the topic of NEW perks why don't we have a fire resist armor yet? I'd almost consider it solely on the issue of I still get insta-melted by flame hulks fairly often. But aside from that it would be a pick that allows more aggression when running flamethrower and might even be worthwhile to run on planets with fire tornadoes.
So let's get to talking weapons a little. Obviously in a PVE setting, fun is paramount. Even if a gun is powerful, if it's a painful slog to use it, it isn't fun. A gun can also feel good, but be functionally useless, and this also isn't fun. Creating a diverse armory of weapons with different functions and making all of them useful and interesting in their own way is hard. You never want content that is so bad that nobody uses it. But creating weapons so powerful that you're sandbagging merely by picking anything else is a problem as well. One of the boons that Helldivers 2 has to it's name is how the factions differ from eachother and how they demand different loadouts. For example, I love where the new Blitzer is. It's a powerful choice for bug squashing, but will leave you wondering how you can possibly close distance against bots. I think this kind of balance is great and not every weapon need be effective in every scenario. But I also love the Sickle, and have no issue taking it to either bugs or bots. It's shortcomings become clear against large targets. With all of this in mind, it makes me more excited for the introduction of a new faction, and how many more options the devs will gain for weapon balances within differing scenarios. What loadouts will Illuminate demand? Will under-used loadouts finally see some use planetside? I'm not going to really talk about the eruptoquasar changes or how I feel about them since I'm sure everyone is exhausted with that. I was never an eruptor fan anyway being a gigachad autocannon enjoyer. My primary is usually a small target clearing tool. I will say on the topic of the Slugger, I really only think they slightly over-nerfed it. I took it out just the other day and was surprised at how useful it still really is which goes to show just how immensely powerful it was pre-nerf. Maybe pulling it up just a little will make it a good choice on the bot front again. Aside from the newer weapons I have to say I actually think Arrowhead has done fairly well here. I see lots of varying weapons on the battlefield as I see divers using all sorts of primaries and supports that they find fun and useful. Also a little side note on the Spear: I think if they manage to make the locking mechanism a bit less wonky, I think it has the potential to be one of the most powerful tertiary picks in the game.
I also wanted to spend a moment with the change to how patrols work. Even as someone who will solo dive from time to time, I actually don't mind it too much because what it means for full 4 person games. With this change, effectively the only things a Helldiver can do wrong, is die or team kill. You are making the mission easier simply by virtue of being on the battlefield. This means that as long as you aren't murdering your fellow divers, (traitors excluded) just staying alive is helpful. Seeing as every diver (not factoring in IRB booster) brings 5 reinforcements to the table, you really aren't dragging down your team at all until you've cost the team MORE than 5 reinforcements. I think this allows for maximum freedom of playstyle around your team and I feel outweighs the downsides of diving without a full squad.
Since I brought up a booster there, let's talk about them a little. They are, well, weird to me. I simply don't see a world where increased reinforcement budget and flexible reinforcement budget are anything but planning for failure, and if you are failing, maybe it's because you brought them. Full ammo (and notably stims) on drop, injury resist, less patrols and bonus stamina are all such good choices it's hard to part with them for anything. The new booster I think is an example of the kind of stuff we need to shake up what's brought on missions more and I hope to see more like it in the future.
Another thing I can think of I'd like to bring up for now is orders. While I think we should always be able to work on whatever front we choose to play on, maybe we should have something available to sweeten the deal a little when doing missions that fall under the major order? Not sure if an exp bonus or anything would do it or be on the table at all but it's a thought. Being someone who enjoys being a part of completing the major orders whenever they are active, this brings me to a minor complaint. If the major order is on the Automaton front, but my PERSONAL order is to get flamethrower kills... I'm not bringing that to fight bots sorry. Maybe this is something that won't or doesn't even need to be changed, but it does bother me a little to be pulled away from the team objective to hold a terminid barbecue on the other side of the galaxy. I suppose there's always just choosing not to do the personal order in a day too. As I said before, this is a very minor gripe.
Stratagems almost all seem good and useable in a variety of situations except I can't for the life of me understand why Eagle Cluster Bomb has more uses than Eagle Strafing Run. Seems like just a straight buff to Strafing Run to have 5 or even 6 uses (adjusted with ship module) per rearm would land it safely in the category of probably still never used unless I could find a way to consistantly kill more than 4-6 light enemies with it.
Anyway that's about everything I can think of for now. If you read all the way here thank you so much for listening to me shamelessly lay out my thoughts in one post and I hope you enjoyed reading! Keep on fighting for freedom divers. And if you see Ogre on the battlefield I assure you he loves hugs. Cheers!

I have begun to view this through the lens of getting to watch a company (and individual leaders) I really respect make what may turn out to be a truly historic business mistake or triumph. I'm excited to be part of it! It is irritating that Sonos has done this in my home, with products I actually love. The upshot is, I am pretty confident this will turn into something others will have the opportunity to learn from. (Maybe even they can learn from it, if you they fast enough.)
What makes this a unique (and likely historically significant) mistake is that Sonos, who has extraordinary customer trust and goodwill, used that to do something that directly harms existing, installed, previously functioning customers, in their homes, with no action taken or required by the user to be affected. This is a luxury consumer appliance, not ad-driven business or something. Super sticky customer base. Impact is clearly widespread, although the most loyal customers with lots of equipment are likely disproportionately affected.
It's painful to see the years where Sonos has earned a much stronger market position also a somehow much weaker stock position relative to large companies that might have more of a "mistake budget". It's transparent to most people that they have a lot riding on upcoming releases. I have a lot of sympathy for Patrick and any CEO trying to hit numbers in hardware and beat the street's expectations. It's HARD. (it's in the name FFS.)
However, everything that has happened as part of this rollout has been an example of what not to do. Regardless of motivation or intention by Sonos, you have what are clearly a lot of customers who are feeling completely disempowered, disrupted, violated, and gaslit. You are quadrupling-down on this. From the outside, it looks completely insanity. (And, in the future, when we watch the documentary I doubt it will be portrayed as a moment of "courage". 🤣)
To that end, I was reminded of a few other are some other examples of historically bad product introductions that share common themes to this one. (note, I'm omitting ones that where people actually died like Boeing or the Ford Pinto):
New Coke (1985) - One of the most (in)famous examples is Coca-Cola’s introduction of "New Coke" which Coke itself calls "The Most Memorable Marketing Blunder in History. The company changed its original formula in an attempt to compete with Pepsi. The backlash from consumers was swift and fierce. Despite the negative response, Coke was initially reluctant to acknowledge their mistake. However, the continued public outcry forced the company to revert to the original formula, rebranded as "Coca-Cola Classic," just 79 days later.
Jawbone: The one that I fear is most relevant here is Jawbone - Jawbone, once known for its Bluetooth earpieces and fitness trackers. Their UP bands had high failure rates and syncing problems. These issues, combined with poor customer service responses to complaints and returns, led to customer dissatisfaction and alienation. Jawbone failed to and eventually went out of business in 2017.
Rdio: Rdio was a music streaming service that launched in 2010 but failed to compete effectively with Spotify and later Apple Music. Rdio made several platform updates that, rather than improving user experience, often removed liked features or made the interface less intuitive. This alienated users led to Rdio filing for bankruptcy in 2015. Its assets were eventually acquired by Pandora.
Digg: Digg was once a very popular social news website which predated Reddit. In 2010, Digg released a major update to its platform, referred to as "Digg v4," which drastically changed the site's user interface and core functionality. The update was intended to modernize the platform but ended up alienating its core user base who felt that the changes prioritized publisher content over user-curated content. The backlash was swift resulted to many people simply migrating to a little startup Reddit. The traffic decline was so significant that Digg never recovered and was sold in a fire-sale.
At this point, I'm at hoping that there is an internal document that was widely circulated and agreed to that says "We expect that, due to the current condition of the new release, there will be considerable backlash from our most valuable customers. We acknowledge that this release may irrevocably violate their trust, and we are willing to sacrifice every single one of those relationships and our existing goodwill if necessary to get this release out." If so, I hope that they are proven right!
Also, full disclosure, I bought a single share of Sonos stock last week to track how it goes.

All of you unconsciously prune information. Forget it. Feed off it at your own convenience. I remember everything. Everything. Constantly. The pain of losing my comrades. The sadness. All of the information that composes those moments…never leaves my brain for a second.

Nico Vorgeil is the head of Union's science division. An atheist turned anti-theist, he was recruited for his one of a kind skill in pioneering the understanding of the universe. The only thing that could push him even further was his own union with a woman that had intellect to match his own. However, when she died in childbirth, his Negation manifested, dooming him to suffer endlessly. He died in regret, having betrayed everything he stood for in exchange for a few fleeting moment with his late wife.
But now, Fuuko Izumo's on a quest to give everyone a happy ending. And Nico's the one she wishes that for the most…

Key

Scaling

• Andy & Victor / Undead
• Chikara Shigeno / Unmove
• Creed Deckard / Undecrease
• Fuuko Izumo / Unluck
• Gina Chamber / Unchange
• God / UMAs
• Ichico Nemuri / Unsleep
• Isshin XIII, Haruka Yamaoka / Unbreakable
• Juiz d'Arc / Unjustice
• Mui
• Phil Hawkins / Unfeel
• Shen Xian / Untruth
• The Superior Master Rules
• Tatiana / Untouchable
• Tella / Untell
• Top Bull Sparx / Unstoppable
• Void Volks / Unavoidable

Notes

• Feats are listed in order of appearance. Hover over a link to see the chapter(s) of origin.
• Feats from chapters up to 132 are from the 100th Loop.
• Feats from 133 on are from the 101st Loop, with this RT leaving off at 206.
• Character profile.
• Huge thanks to NegativeGamer and doctorgecko for creating threads that contributed to this one.

Strength

• Beat Mui and Shen; Shen was pounded into a wall and you can see a barbell bent in the background
• Tears the Union emblem out of his skin
• Strikes Andy five times using Shen's technique
• Breaks UMA Ghost's hold on him after losing his identity
• Rips Fuuko's caged soul out of his chest

Durability

• Electrocuted
• Fuuko's One-Inch Punch left him nauseous for days

Speed

• Dodges Victor's finger bullet

Skill

• Fought Tella offpanel
• Creates a dust explosion using iron residue blown around by wind and struck by lightning while taking on Language
• Harnessed his soul
• Speaks to Fuuko across the globe telepathically after harnessing his soul
• Learned Feng's method of harnessing chi (soul energy)
• Transmits design schematics into Ichico's head through a soul cable
• Forms the Super Dreadnought Union Lethal Weapon Superior Buster Soul Version in Lan's shiritori game with Ichico's help

Inventions

General Union Things
Note: Ichico matches his number of inventions, much higher than the other lab members, so it's possible some of these belong to her.
Memory-Wiping

• Memory-wipes the people of NYC who saw a Spoil Junior
• Erases all memories of Chikara in the public consciousness
• Reprograms the public consciousness to accept Fuuko as Void's title defense challenger
• Made Chikara's school forget about the ten Union members that infiltrated it for a year

Network
Reach

• Comms network
• Satellite
• Presumably fast delivery, as Gina is able to acquire her beret after calling in for it
• Teleports Spoil's core out of Victor's hand
• Tracked a mob auction that Andy was unable to find
• The Union jet can travel from Japan to Canada in five hours
• Tracks Under's spatial gate method
• Has so much money
• 100,000+ employees

Other

• Goons with handcuffs and spheres meant to catch Undead
• Runs an orphanage
• UMA food cubes are hypercondensed nutrients
• UMA containment cells are indestructible
• Almost certainly created the little drop-pod things since they zoom out of his lab later
• Union communicators

Single-Person Gadgets
Loop 100

• Anti-aging tech
• The neckties of Union suits grants the wearer access to a number of public services and organizations and it also functions as a universal translator which even works with writing
• The insignias on Union suits can play recordings and function as comms with other insignia wearers
• Fake IDs
• Created the Union's anti-cherry blossom cloaks to resist Spring's transmutation
• Heating pads
• An electric chair
  • It reconfigures her brain to make her eyebags appear above her eyes and thus they function as natural eyeshadow

Loop 101

• Adrenaline epi-pen
• Thermal vision
• Spacesuits with verniers
• Anti-shake camera holders
• Created a dress for Latla that would morph into a bridal dress
• Insulated spacesuits for sunwalking capabilities
  • They also have bone conduction, so Fuuko can talk to Andy by jabbing her thumb into a hole in his skull

Weapons

• Fighter jets
  • With remote self-destruct
• Electrical cables, cooling agent, and the Unbreakable pile cannon all are weapons that Union HQ utilizes against Burn
• Developed the Astral Dolls with Ichico
• Developed the Super Dreadnought Union Lethal Weapon Superior Buster as the Union's ultimate weapon with Mico

Specific - Others'

• Void's power armor
• An alloy that, smithed using Isshin's Unbreakable, can expand along with Shen's Nyoi-Kinko staff
• Designed a helmet to save Zack from a respiratory disease
• Created Tatiana's ball mech
• Gave Billy spurs for his echolocation-level senses to work
• Built Chikara's goggles
• Probably made Juiz a prosthetic arm
• The UN-ST Tachyorizer, which basically gives Top everything he needs to reach maximum speed
• Performs a field blood transfusion between Andy and Fuuko
• Souped up Andy's bike
• Loop 100 Nico was the best of any Loops Fuuko saw through artefacts
• Nico-dedicated restraints (while he didn't invent them himself, another member of the lab did and he's the smartest of them
• Repelling bullets for Creed's minigun to use in space

Specific - Own
Astral Dolls

• Using Psycho Pods as power sources, these are copies of members of the Union that even possess pseudo-Negations
• Astral Void punches Andy's head off
  • Punches Andy into the ground
  • Punches harder after the UMA Ghost fusion
• Astral Gina slams Andy's body to the ground
• Created Astral Chikara and Astral Juiz as well
• They get stronger after Nico fuses with Ghost as well as more durable, but only the two that are dead, Gina and Void
• Andy's finger bullets bounce off amped Void
• Gina gums up Andy's limbs while electrocuting him

Psycho-Pods
General

• He can use them to fly
• These are controlled via brainwaves
• Nico can control eleven at max, with Chikara barely able to control one
• When he fuses with Ghost, his Psycho Pods become ghostly
• They store memories

Durability/Shields

• Reflects Phil's laser into a Victor clone
• Traps Gina inside a cube as her Negation activates, preventing her from killing 40,000 via asphyxiation
• Forms a stretcher to carry Fuuko on
• Makes a shield to deflect Creed's grenade
• Traps some of UMA Color's paint
• Encases Sick's Juniors
• Forms a shield around Fuuko's ER
• Only Isshin has ever been able to break this material, until fighting Lan in a game of shiritori

Lasers

• Defends Nico from Andy's finger bullet
• Bisects Victor and cauterizes the wound to slow his regen
• Lasers Andy into giblets using ten, slicing through metal as well
• Lasers holes in the lab floor to reduce the strength of the eruption about to explode, as well as cools down the lava with a refrigerating agent
• Forms a 5x5 grid to dice Language's Sun and Luna

Other

• Treats Top and Isshin's wounds
• Conks Tella
• Hacks into the Union's network, killing its captive UMAs and lowering their defenses
  • Shuts gates to direct Andy down a certain path
  • Gasses his lab members
• Treated Shen's wounds

Negation: Unforgettable

Type: Self-Targeting Compulsory Activation
Tragedy: Ichico Nemuri's death in childbirth is the only memory he has of his wife
Nico's Negation prevents him from forgetting anything his mind has processed since acquiring the Negation. This in turn crushes out the memories he had from before the Negation awakened.

• After all the world's languages were unified into English and Mui lost the ability to speak Chinese, she starts teaching herself how to speak it using only a book written by Nico
• Memory wipes fail on him
• Beat UMA Language solo
• Withstands Apocalypse's memory bombing, meaning he is stronger in Loop 101 than Loop 100, and Loop 100 Nico was already better than any previous Nico.
• Only Unforgettable is capable of perfectly reviving someone from the dead in shiritori due to its absolute crystalline memory of them
• Likely knows Spanish and Lithuanian

Other

• Determines which of the quests the Union should go after
• Defeated UMA Language himself and UMA Past with the help of other Negators
• Fused with UMA Ghost

I couldn't forget even if you told me to. Those words. Those memories. I've ingrained them into my soul!!

Hey folks. I (43f) am 15+ years post radium and the list of side effects is ever growing. I feel like I won the side effects lottery! I had stage 4 cervical, and had pelvic radiation.
Now. I have chronic pain in my hip due to nerve damage and bone loss due to reduced blood flow. Scar tissue wrapped around my colon, which may lead to a stoma at some point. Numbness in my left foot they have attributed to radiation. Latest is a transvaginal fistula which needs surgery and the tube from my left kidney to bladder is totally blocked with scarring and I'm in danger of kidney failure.
I feel a bit defeated, and guilty for feeling like that because I survived a terminal dx. I'm so scared this surgery wont work due to tissue viability issues. I'm scared about needing my kidney removed and will the other one pick up the slack?!
Just.... frustrated, scared and confused, and feeling so guilty about it all too.
Ok, vent over ❤️

35F, 169cm, 80kg. Type 1 Diabetic on Novorapid and have a Mirena, no other medications.
Can I please have anyone in the know break down this report for me in terms of seriousness. I am in so much pain and my shoulder is "frozen". Any attempts to raise it or reach behind my back results in terrible pain. Orthopaedic Surgeon initially diagnosed me with frozen shoulder, prescribed a cortisone injection and physio. Neither have helped. He finally requested an MRI and l've been able to see this report. I don't see the Dr for a few more weeks, but I want to be able to go in fully armed to plead my case for other methods of treatment. He is lovely buy I feel like he brushes me off. So how serious are these tears and other issues please?
MRI SCAN Findings: Humeral Findings: Humeral head is enlocated and well aligned. No acute fracture or bone marrow oedema. No evidence of a Hill Sachs deformity or bony Bankart. Partial thickness articular surface tear of supraspinatus tendon measures 8 x 8mm. A second separate small insertional tear involving anterior fibres measures up to 3.5mm. Tendinosis of infraspinatus. Subscapularis tendon is intact and of normal signal. Biceps tendon is enlocated within the bicipital groove surrounded by small amount of fluid. Minor partial tear involving the long head of biceps tendon proximal attachment at the glenoid ridge. Labrum remains intact. Articular cartilage is preserved Moderate acromioclavicular joint hypertrophy noted narrowing the cuff outlet indenting and likely impinging supraspinatus at its musculotendinous junction. Bigliani type 2 acromion. Small amount of subacromial fluid in keeping with bursitis.
Conclusion: Partial thickness articular surface tear of supraspinatus as well as smaller insertional tear involving its anterior fibres Suspected partial tear involving the long head of bicep tendon attachment at the superior glenoid ridge. Moderate acromioclavicular joint hypertrophy narrowing the cuff outlet indenting and likely impinging supraspinatus at its musculotendinous junction. Small amount of fluid at the subacromial bursa suggestive of mild focal bursitis.

Hi all, I’m 22F and in the worst flare I’ve had in a long time. I developed fibromyalgia after having drug induced lupus when I was 16, and I’ve been able to keep my symptoms mostly managed for the past couple years. I also have comorbid conditions that make me just feel blah so I’ve been doing my best to keep the fibromyalgia at bay.
Recently, I have been much more active in my day to day life. I have 2 jobs now, and I’ve also been busy with normal life stuff. This month has been incredibly stressful and I knew I’d be super busy, but I didn’t expect a flare. It’s been so long I forgot what to even really do to help with the acute issues I’m having.
Is there medication I can take short term to help? I don’t know if steroids would work but that helps with my other issues. I’m just in so much pain and struggling with restlessness in my body that makes me jittery and achey at the same time. Will an urgent care even be able to help me? Is it worth seeing? I can’t keep calling off work and not being a person, I’ve got too much shit to take care of. I’m feeling kind of lost and honestly disheartened at such a bad flare. I’ve had smaller ones that got better over time but this one is stubborn. I appreciate any advice, I’m really struggling

Some background: I'm a little over 60. I'm an only child., widowed and childless. My father died in 2004.
My mother died February 18 after a year of struggling with stroke, heart failure and pneumonia. I missed getting to say goodbye to her by about 20 minutes. She was everything to me, and I miss her so much. Her birthday, she would have been 89, was late last month. Mother's Day yesterday was very hard. I miss her so so much.
On April 1,my job laid me off. A corporation bought out most of the corporation I worked for and my position was eliminated. I was the seniormost team member, lots of experience and skills and the remaining team couldn't do what I did, and would be overworked taking on my caseload. And yes I think age and disbility discrimination had a lot to do with it.
I am looking for a job. My last employer accepted my request for ADA accomodation to work at home. (I survived a bad car wreck, I walk with a cane, and a lot of walking is just painful). I'm not sure any new employers are interested in that.
I sold my condo I am getting enough money to buy something very modest for cash. And by modest I mean a 'manufactured home' or 'mobile home.' Yes, not many people's idea of 'ideal' housing. But for me - having a paid for little place, small but comfortable, for just me and 2 cats is perfect. Would I rather have a cottage of some sort? Yes. But I can't afford one. And having a paid for house and a paid for car is not a bad thing, you know?
I have found a really cute and well priced home in a clean park in a small city about an hour away. I wll have unemployment coming in soon and I would have enough money left over to pay lot rent, utilities, and food and gasoline and such for awhile.
The thing is - my credit took a dive and these mobile home parks run a check on credit, income, and crime. Let's take those one at a time. First, no criminal history at all. Second, I can say I'm on FMLA leave as a reason for not having May paychecks. (It was true when I was let go so it's lying but only a little). But my credit took a dip because I was paralyzed by my firing and did not pay my mortgage in Aprl. (TBH, I thought about killing myself a lot and I was just trying to leave money for someone to throw me in a cremation oven and rehome my cats.)
I could buy a home but not be allowed to live in a mobile home park because of my credit. I don't know of anything I can do to reverse this. I'm willing to listen to any ideas.
No job - no family - soon no home. This is not a good life. I realize some people have things worse - everyone is always better off than someone else, I suppose. But I have to live my life and it's so lonely and so bleak now. I go to bed (I'm up to 2 unisom, 4 melatonin, 4 tylenol pm now!) and try to stop my brain from going over and over all the ways I'm headed for ruin. But I wake up and my brain tells me that my best days are behind me and I'm going to live with my cats in my car until I just drop them at a shelter, then drive to a gun shop, then, do what I have to do. I don't really want to do that. But there's not much else to do with my crappy life, is there?

I just watched the Keon’s video on Simone Weil, and was overcome with things clicking into place.
One can be Smeared by temptation , or Seized with the spirit (inspiration).
Temptations play on our insecurities; the vulnerabilities we have to feeling not good enough, monsters, failures. The bullies become the bully, the violated become the violators. It’s a cycle.
When you are able to forgive those who did you the worst of harms, by accepting that they too carry their demons and that anyone of us can fail in fighting them - and able to forgive yourself for doing the same - when you can finally stop using tools of shame and oppression and blame, you can leave your skin on the floor (mask) and break the cycle.
You can be reborn in any moment that you choose Love. Faith don’t get you anywhere on its own, like the allegories of being sent help by god but if you don’t Seize it or recognize it for what it is, that’s on you; and Fear will have you reacting like a rabbit being chased by a dog.
Love is about trust. Not trust in a particular person, just that it can conquer all. Turning the other cheek; refusing the alcohol; setting aside distractions like video games to do work that helps others like cooking dinner with your wife. Coming to bed, or making Saturday, is a truly difficult choice when you are feeling Called.
I believe redecorate is about converting, when you finally realize that the pleasures we are being sold and given are temporary and don’t fill the emptiness inside. The paint and outfits and masks that we wear prevent anyone from knowing our true selves. When the name you were given at birth with all its generational trauma and expectations from others dictated who you were Supposed to Be, the role you were born to fill.
You can’t run away to the Church to hide your crimes. You do have to stand and account for them first, make amends from the harms that you have done by passing on your own pain and responsibility and repent of ever doing them again now that you know the harm it causes. As a parent, as a lover, as a child. Empathy and remorse.
That you cannot sleep Twice and close your eyes to it. You have to be the Paladin now to stay on the path. Repentance.
Finally, you give up your name in a “nontraditional way”. You take the name off a grave of someone who inspires you to stay on that path, because you discard your ego. What looks like a mask, blurry face, is when you actually let all those thoughts and such show instead of hiding them behind what fits in (morph) Your name no longer matters (Nico). Your words can be shared - but your DEEDS speak for themselves. What you show up and do every day and the choices you make are the story telling itself.
I believe “I am Clancy” refers to the concept that we are all Jesus in a sense. A child of god born to human parents. The vessels are all different and the vessels matter. It’s the Point. Something like that? We all matter equally, we all have the capability to choose and to wake up. To stop being driven and to drive our own car, or to switch drivers.
Tyler and Josh, to me, are kind of like Priests. Not just sharing a message, but sharing others messages (remember Level of Concern? It wasn’t just that it’s all going to be okay. It’s that we are all in this together and every single one of our stories matters. The videos that played, the livestream because all the world is a stage).
I see Tyler struggling to basically be the most ethical cult leader that he can be, because that’s what he accidentally became, just by being brave enough to be goofy and scared and share a message that he still believes in although he struggles with his faith in a god he can’t see in a world of suffering. And the “trap” is always going to be there about making it about himself when all he can ever do is make it not about himself because THAT is the message. To reach out to others even in your own pain. To connect, not fall away.
But then he has a wife, and a baby. And now he truly does have something to lose, and something to live for, something to Hold Onto when the road ahead is dark and bumpy, and quiet is violent. His heart was in half for Jenna and now it’s been cut in half yet again. Putting his heart in the backseat and staying awake, cursing how his taxes (contributions to society) didn’t make a smoother road for his love to sleep in peacefulness. Driving the baby around in the car.
To know the only way to make this world better for that baby is to be part of what improves it. To show us what really matters. The future. East is up, tomorrow we can try again.
The Craving makes me absolutely bawl. My life has been reflected in the lyrics of the albums the past five years, as it has for so many of us, and the basis of an intense and ultimately toxic relationship because we both chose fear and control in different ways instead of faith and love, and trust. I was so afraid of change and isolation with the pandemic. The music and message changed me while my ex focused on telling me I was wrong and dismissed my interpretations even when I listened to theirs for hours.
I don’t want to be “right”; just an equally respected part of the conversation. I love how many different elements and cultures and philosophies are part of this world building.
I can’t go backwards or change what I chose, but I can try to wake up from focusing on my own small issues and try to be part of making this world better, by sharing my own sins, fears, and hopes and dreams, my own story, to help others.
I wish I had loved better. I think I am learning. And I had so much hatred of the Church for so many of its crimes, and a corrupted religion especially the patriarchal bits and wars, that I avoided the one thing that has always been there for me to come back to. God.
And I’m not going to get TOO religious here just spiritual - what Jesus preached was only that god is love, that forgiveness is divine, and to treat others as if they are ourselves. If you treat someone like a monster, they will become one. Including yourself. Polarize. It’s not about bad vs good. It’s about Anger’s true name being Grief.
I lost sight of the message. And if I don’t have a home to come back to, I will make a home inside myself for it, and start fresh next semester.
“I am enough, and I always was.”

A month or so ago I busted my phone, and it was a huge pain in the ass. Aside from some lost data which was minor, the biggest PIA was resetting MFA, getting in touch with my US banks, and any other services that were tied to my phone. The experience also made me take a step back and realize I am pretty lax with security, and if someone had gotten hold of my phone and somehow god-forbid gotten the passcode, then I'd be fucked. They could do so much damage with unlimited access to my email + MFA SMS, even in just a few hours.
As a result, I kind of went down the ADHD rabbit hole hyper-fixating on how best to "optimize" my iPhone and iCloud configuration for two things:

1. If it breaks, the transition to a new device will be relatively painless. I won't have to spend several days stressing and trying to find the right international customer support number for a myriad of institutions and services to get into my accounts.
   
2. If it gets stolen and compromised, then there will be enough barriers such that the I'll have enough time to lock down the device and/or my accounts remotely before the thief can get key data or move funds.
   

So I put together this guide and checklist that I thought I'd share with others. I am a programmer but by no means a security guru, and so if any IT, DevOps, or SecOps folks want to chime-in with suggestions or improvements, please do.

Requirements

• an iPhone XR, iPhone XS, iPhone 11, iPhone 12, iPhone 13, iPhone SE (2nd generation), and iPhone 14 or newer for eSIM compatibility.
• a US-based carrier with eSIM support + a pay-as-you-go model for international travel (I use Verizon)
• iOS 17 or above (may not be strictly necessary, but I know my setup works with iOS 17.4.1)
• a password manager. I personally use 1Password because it works, is reliable, has cross-device support, and is easy and intuitive. It's also only $3/month.

Dual Sim Setup

I have been rocking an iPhone 12 for the past few years, and it's served me very well. I know the newer iPhones (14 and up) no longer offer physical SIM card support, but carriers in most developing countries are behind the curve. Even if they offer eSIM support, it's been my experience that it's a major headache to get setup, there is a lack of customer support in English, and they may even require a local ID to register the eSIM. It's way easier to just head to a shop and pay $5 for a SIM card, load some funds onto it, and then you're good to go.
The eSIM has been very helpful for maintaining a US phone number for which I can receive SMS texts from my banks and other financial services as well as continue to use iMessage with all my US contacts since hardly anybody is on Whatsapp.
Most, if not all, carriers in the US support eSIMs now, and so you should try to find a carrier that offers an international pay-as-you-go plan. Verizon offers two international plans - one is a "Travel Pass" where it's a flat fee of $10/day anywhere outside the US or Canada (even for just one text message). The other is "pay for what you use" which has a rate per text, minute, and mb. For my US plan, I only care about receiving SMS texts from my banks and the occasional phone call to a service that doesn't have an international, toll-free number. Data will always be cheaper outside the US, so I disable cellular data switching for my US line.
The last time I was in the US was for the holidays and I bought 2 used iPhone 12's for about $200 each. They have some scuffs, but they're perfectly serviceable. In LATAM, it also doesn't attract nearly as much unwanted attention in the street as an iPhone 14 or 15.
I brought these with me as extra devices. When my phone busted last month, thankfully I had a backup in iCloud and everything was loaded in a few minutes as normal. This was before I was using the eSIM, but if I had the eSIM I could just go to Verizon support online via chat and they could help me switch the line to the new device easily.

Basic Configurations

• Always use the latest version of firmware
• Require a passcode that's unique to that device.
• Use FaceID instead of passcode when possible (a thief can't snipe your passcode from a distance if you unlock your phone with FaceID)
• Set auto-lock to 30 seconds (lowest possible)
• Erase data upon excessive passcode failures note, this is complemented in a later step with daily backups. The odds of you putting in the wrong passcode 10 times is low, but in the event you do and you wipe the device by accident, you should be able to easily load in a back-up from the previous day)
• Turn off "Ask to Join Networks"
• Forget unused networks so that you don't rejoin automatically (airports, hotels, etc.)

Creating Backups

• Set iCloud backups to run automatically every night. This will allow you to load your entire phone as is (contacts, call history, iMessages, apps, even your wallpaper) onto another device during setup. The iCloud backup usually runs at 2am while I'm sleeping.
• You may need to pay for a higher tier in iCloud if you have too much stored on your phone. It's $3/month for 200gb of iCloud storage, and I find it worth it. Though I know some people with tens of thousands of photos for which 200gb might not be enough.

Password Policy

• For any accounts that may contain sensitive data (payments, PII, etc), always generate a unique password with 1Password. Don't reuse passwords. Same goes for PIN codes.
• For core accounts, create a strong but memorable password and then memorize it. The odds of getting locked out of 1Password are low if you're diligent, but for 2 or 3 core accounts (where you access money, your primary recovery email, your iCloud, 1Password), it's worth it to create strong, unique passwords for each core service and memorize them.
• I try not to reuse passwords in general, but I still sometimes am lazy and use one of my handful of typical passwords if there's no sensitive data collected by the service and it's a service I don't use often.

MFA

Set up MFA with everything. Add multiple options if possible. My preferred MFA options are as follows:

1. One-time code that renews every 30 seconds. This is device agnostic and can be stored in 1Password. You could also use Microsoft Authenticator, Google Authenticator, Authy or similar, but there's just more overhead to now recover those accounts if your device becomes inaccessible.
2. One-time code to recovery email.
3. One-time code via SMS to my US phone number. On the pay-as-you-go Verizon plan, I only pay 5 cents per text message received. It's worth it to keep one consistent number.
4. List of recovery codes (stored in 1Password as an attached txt file for the given account)
5. Use another app for verification (Google does this a lot).

Lockdown your iCloud security

• Enable MFA.
• Create a strong, unique password.
• Remove any old or unused devices from the iCloud account (old phones, ipods, etc).
• Enable "Find My" for all of your devices.
• In Find My, configure all devices to send the last known location.
• In Find My, enable the configuration to remotely wipe a device.

In the event your phone is stolen, the idea is you could run back to any of your devices or even use a friend's device to log into iCloud on the web, go to Find My, and then in a single button click you can lock and wipe the stolen device. If the thief turned off the device or disabled wifi/cellular, then as soon as it comes back online it will be wiped.

Final Clean-Up

• Move any compromising photos to the "hidden" folder (which requires FaceID or passcode to unlock)
• Review the Files app for any documents containing sensitive info. If you need these documents to be accessible on mobile, then move them to 1Password and delete them from the Files app.
• Create a shortcut to trigger the lock screen (and thus require FaceID or passcode) when specific apps are opened (banking, email, photos, etc).
• Not sure if this is best practice, but I just keep everything in 1P and turn off apple keychain and the apple built-in password manager. I also don't save passwords in Chrome or Safari.

Extra tips

These aren't really iPhone tips but general tips. They are probably obvious to you if you aren't as scatterbrained as me, but I figured that I'd drop them here in case they help someone.

• Add thorough security measures to iCloud, primary email, and any banking or financial services. Review each account and make sure you have a strong, unique password as well as a unique PIN, MFA configured, login alerts, recovery codes, and an international, 24-hour toll-free phone number stored somewhere to contact the service in the event of a crisis. For banking services, add withdrawal limits, regional restrictions (if you bounce between the same few countries), and SMS notifications for charges over a certain threshold. Open up a second checking account with a separate debit card for trips to the ATM.
• Consolidate and close any unused bank accounts. I realized that on my phone I had Revolut, Venmo, Paypal, Nequi, plus 4 US banking institutions. I took this time to close my Discover account (which is pretty much useless outside the US anyway), close my Revolut account since I'm hardly ever in the UK/EU, and consolidate investment accounts from different institutions into just a handful that's easier to monitor.

Hey Breasties - I'm leaning in here to get some support as I'm struggling. Was diagnosed with high grade widespread DCIS 2/5, had UMX on affected left breast (didn't want to wait for plastics to coordinated the surgery months out, so just had cancerous side removed.) Pathology showed dirty margins, so I was able to get back into the surgery queue for 4/29 - resection of left cancer side to get clear margins (which did come back clear), removed right breast prophylactically, put in tissue expanders on both sides.
I suffered through the first 10 days post-op (so much pain, so hard to sleep or be comfortable awake), then developed a ranging infection in the left side which had been resected, so lots of trauma to this breast area.
Went into the ER Friday night of Mother's Day Weekend, was admitted, IV antibiotics to try and rebound from infection - no dice - went into surgery Saturday afternoon to have the expander removed and tissues flushed out. I had to make the decision on the spot whether or not to go totally flat and wait 8-12 in line for diep flap, or keep the right expander and try again. I went with keep the right expander and hope for the best with implants.
So that's three surgeries in 8.5 weeks.
My plastic surgeon explained that I could start doing fills on the right (tomorrow would be the first, my expanders were place flat with no saline because I didn't have room), get right breast where I want it over three months, which is how long I'll have to wait before getting a new left TE, but they could put in my permanent right implant when they place the left expander. Then I'd have lefty filed over...however many weeks to match the right, then a final exchange for implant on the left.
I'm pretty devastated to be lopsided again....and through the summer with swimsuit season and my 25th wedding anniversary (I was hoping we'd perhaps vacation somewhere warm). But now...argh. Just feel so deflated (bc comedy) to be uniboobed again...as long as I have no other infections or issues, this cancer will include 6 surgeries, plus I have a bonus hysterectomy to schedule amidst all the plastic surgeries. If I want nipples, add one more surgery. (that's 8 surgeries)
I'm self-employed - writer, coach, musician - but am not holding it together very well. Trying to coach people when you're falling apart is tough.
I'm interested in hearing from anyone who has made it to the other side through TE infections to a completed chest they like with implants (or did you give up on TE>implants and go with Diep Flap). I'm just now hearing about the 25% failure rate of TE> Implants. Somehow I missed that before going for it.
I'm listening...

I'm struggling. My flair says reconciling, but it's on a low arc and approaching failure. Or maybe it's still false. I don't know.
Married 19 years, together for 25; two teenage children with severe emotional problems coming out of the pandemic.
D-Day was 16 months ago, the night before Thanksgiving. AP was literally an alcoholic unemployed late 40-something living in his mom's basement. They had met at a funeral she hadn't bothered to ask me to go because I wasn't leaving the bed in those days and I'd have said no. The night I discovered his clingy, mooning texts lamenting their inability to spend the holiday together, my life - already a terrible, depressive, lonely black hole of a mess and following the sudden, unnecessary death of a parent on Christmas Day - just imploded.
Upon confrontation after Thanksgiving dinner, the response was the worst in all ways possible. WW was high on limerence, and was fiercely unapologetic. She didn't want to separate but demanded an open marriage. She 'deserved to be happy', and felt good about her having told this unplanned encounter that went from EA to PA in 72 hours that she'd never leave me.
She had eschewed having intimacy for years before this. We had been poor to each other over the years, but I fell off a cliff after our kids faded from the world and my parent died. She was legit shocked and belligerent when I refused, and said that if you pursue this I will have to leave.
We made some temporary agreements (ones she did not keep), and started seeing a counselor. I started IC for the first time in my middle-aged life. We were however 'not aligned', as she'd say. She didnt want to give up her boyfriend, and I refused to stay if he was in the picture. I cringe to think back to how I said, 'you can maintain a friendship if you absolutely must but you must reinvest back into working on our relationship'.
This was a no-go for her for a while. She'd meet him. He'd sleep in her place of business. SHe lent him our car. (He crashed it while drunk, btw.) There was a moment when I had the kids in Puerto Rico, and she returned early for a funeral, and she went to the funeral with him and probably had sex after. Meanwhile I was stuck in an airport, trying to get home after a cancelled flight and just threw lots of money at the problem to curtail the time she had with him. She had in the three month relationship began introducing him to family friends, people who knew me.
With someone living a state away, she somehow managed to squeeze in more sex in 3 months than we'd had together in 10 years. In my mind, she was working on replacing me with AP but didn't want to separate for the sake of our kids.
Come January, she claimed to have decided to break things off. I didn't really believe her. I made a surprise visit to her place of business on a weekend, and found him there asleep on the couch with no pants on.
We had words, and despite being beside myself with rage and grief I was able to take his measure. In many ways, I wish I had met him right after D-Day. It was clear he was a narcissistic dumpster fire with pretensions of intellectuality. There were signs of some bipolar behavior. He made clear his intentions was to stay, and to convince WW to leave me. And he still had our car, and keys to her business site. (We live in a large city and don't need multiple vehicles, or even the one car if I'm honest.)
She realized where I was going due to my phone location and ran after me, but got there after I had 15 minutes with the joker. She asked him to leave, but still let him keep our car. She had no words, which has been a theme throughout our marriage. She can't easily access her feelings or articulate them, and she's afraid to express them for fear of my response. I told her after having met him, noted his instability and his intentions, i said I can no longer accept any contact between them. She reluctantly agreed.
From mid-January through to August followed a sequence of false representation of wanting to work on reconciliation and cycles of lying about not having contact. She was in love with him, she claimed, but seemed to go cold turkey overnight. She neither engaged with me nor took steps to reconcile, but claimed how difficult it was and that she was working on our relationship.
We quit the MC we started to see. We eventually found another several months later. We're still with the 2nd MC. In the meantime began a kind of surreal hellscape life for me, as she would say the barest of minimum things, and usually nothing at all about where she was, how she felt, and what was she willing to do to rebuild our relationship. She took no steps to reassure me, or show she wants me. She would say she did, but simultaneously be cold, distant, and - as i soon discovered - was still in contact with AP.
He gave her a burner phone. I found it within 2 days and threw the brand new phone into the river. Cheaters really need to not let unknown devices onto the home wifi networks of the technically literate. We had it out again, she promised to really try. A few weeks later I found unusual call patterns in our cell account. AP had provisioned a new phone number. Following that blow up was the WhatsApp phase, which really began to take the wind out of my sails.
She expressed no remorse. She was resentful of my 'intrusions into her privacy'. She genuinely thought it would be comforting to hear that the affair had nothing to do with me. She would be visibly annoyed when I asked for confirmations there had been no new contact - and even more so when in retrospect when there had been.
There were at least five discrete cycles of deception. AP escalated by getting five phone numbers and cycling through them. Towards the end, she had hid these numbers as secondary numbers of people they knew in common but didn't regularly have contact with. AP would write texts from the perspective of different personae.
Then there were the people who knew, and of those there were people who fully supported her behavior. There were people who aided and abetted it, lending her their apartments, or hoping she finds some comfort. One particularly egregious one, early on, tried to convince Amanda to really try to convince me to find someone else to be happy in an open arrangement. She's still in regular contact with this person.
The culmination of the PA/EA with the AP happened last summer. He eventually returned the car, but only after he had reclaimed it from the police impound lot. He did not pay for the repairs. Or his tolls when coming to and fro to fuck my WW. I did.
I had been fairly successful in identifying his phone numbers and having them blocked at the carrier level with some gaps in time, and diverting his email and voicemail. During ths period where all his means of contact were being closed soon after being opened, he was starting to rage and unstable. WW upon the latest confrontation (i was pretty calm and matter of fact about it) admitted she could not control her behavior, and didn't understand why she was doing it.
AP was a controlling person, with hints of WW's clinically narcissist parent. He wrote a letter and entered her business after hours to leave it. Because he wrote an email saying he was doing this, I ill-advisedly went there to call the police on him. I didn't find him, but I did find the letter. He knew I had been there - either he had been outside or he went back after I left - and complained bitterly about my interference.
His only means of influence had dropped to emails, and he just kept pounding with the short, imperative statements that described outcomes favorable to him. He had started to convince her that I was a threat to her, and trying to convince her I was a threat to our children (for whom I'd die in fire every day).
His tactical error was trying to play up his inability to contact her as a screen for concern. He tried to get the cops to perform a wellness check. He called WW's sister to convince her I was a threat, and that WW was in danger. (She told him off.)
Finally, he threatened to show up at our door with friends and 'free' her. I knew he owned a shotgun; while I didn't actually think he would show up (he had made smaller-scale threats of this kind before and I only realized they had happened days after his 'deadlines'.) I shared this new development with WW. We had agreed to handle it together. However, while I was out one day, she went to her sister's and called him to tell him she was fine but to never call or contact anyone in our family again. It was a muted, brief exchange. I was angry she hadn't stuck to our agreement.
Since then, he's only made a handful of contact attempts soon after the break that really were more for insulting me. I believe on an intellectual level they have had no contact since last summer. I emotionally continue to not feel safe about her intentions.
Since then, it's been difficult. There have been very limited conversation coming from her outside of the MC sessions, and those have trended light on her content. Very recently, she's expressed more. But it's still seemingly grounded in some unhealthy premises. Amongst them:

1. She at one pointed expressed she regretted the pain she caused, but doesn't regret the experience because (I kid you not) 'she learned so much about herself' and 'many positive elements have come out of it'. (I lost 50 pounds in the first three months post-Dday, and lately I've been hovering around 70. I did have it to lose, having used food to soothe myself over the decade of gaslighting and lack of explanation for her disengagement, and unwillingness to work on it.)
2. She continues to resent my intrusion into her phone call history. She disagrees with the oft-raised best practice of open-phone/account policies. Her feelings around her lack of privacy unsettle her, and get in the way of engaging (she says).
3. she doesn't see the value in 'forcing closeness'
4. she keeps wanting me to 'ratchet it down a notch', but it's not clear what she thinks that means
5. she finds my sadness and pain to be an impediment to rebuilding closeness
6. She claims to have read content about rebuilding marriages after infidelity, but to my knowledge she's done hardly anything to rebuild trust. I said it'd be better if you hadn't read it, because to think that you're walking around having read it but still don't do anything feels worse.
7. She has not taken lead in the reconciliation process, or really done much except endure my periodic/every-2-weeks or so expressions of disappointment and hurt and anger

I'm sure no one has read this far. This is my dilemma. What I'm trying to do here is leave no stone unturned in my efforts to save our marriage. I want to sleep well at night, and I won't be able to do that in a healthy way without going through this.
Yesterday wa the first time she said that he was responsible for destroying my world and my brain, several times over, with the elaborate deceptions (as I'm prone to describing it). I welcomed it and thanked her. But it was only precipitated by a conflict we were having about a mistake I made, where I rubbed her face in my phone snooping by adding unflattering profile pictures to the blocked contacts for the AP. (If they're not there, he could still call her and leave a voicemail when she's on wifi.)
She has had low to middling chronic health issues since April of last year, following her second round with COVID. And if it's not her, it's her parents. Or my surviving parent. Or my brother almost dying. Or the DOL is threatening to reclassify all her contractors as employees. (They should.) Everything just magically seemed to be prioritized over her talking to me.
It's literally, literally been something every other week. She's always tired, always in pain, and I really try hard to stay empathic about it. To hold a space for her. I have taken care of her when she's ill all throughout this horrible time. And she's really appreciative of how well I've supported and cared for her with no promise or signs of reciprocation.
But she still won't have sex with me, and wont talk to me about why she flinches sometimes when I touch her. Or worse, she fakes interest and then I find out otherwise later. Clearly, we have trauma to work through from before the affair. She's not intentionally being cruel. I've expressed remorse over what little she has hinted at, and want to make amends. I love her so much. It's always been my intent to die married to her, and hold our family together.
But it's getting harder to hold onto that empathy. I'm just so tired of feeling hurt, of not having my needs met, and feeling so deeply disrespected in this low-contrition (but maybe trending up) context we're living through.
She seems to evoke a sense in me that everytime I am hurt or express anger, her willingness or energy resets to near zero. Which in and of itself is newly infuriating!
My dilemma is that part of my tenacity in this ridiculous situation that saints would have left three times over already is tied to the idea that by sticking with it and not making it 'easier' for her I'm upholding my self-respect.
But am i? Am I just punishing her by saying I can't let go of my pain until she demonstrates remorse and effort? Being married, a husband and a father of simple small family is a big part of my identity.
It all went to shit a long time ago, but I never checked out. I just didn't understand what was happening, how a wife could treat their partner this way, and I didn't have the maturity or the emotional language to navigate it alone. So I grew resentful and depressed, and just low-level angry all the time. While she would just smile, and say nothing. In public, she'd be affectionate.
In private, it'd be back turned and motionless to my hunger for connection (and release). I turned inward. She, a very social, community-building gem of a human being, checked out and switched to Potemkin mode whenever anyone was looking. I felt like I was constantly being gaslit. Even when I tried to talk about our problems, she'd act as if I had said nothing at all. It was the damnest thing, and I had no words for it.
Maybe she's starting to see the light and be empathic to my pain. But, if that's what's happening, I'm just running out of steam and hope. Hope isn't necessary for me to stay the course, but motivation is beginning to lag.
Any advice?

My partner (23F) had a laparoscopic appendectomy 2 months ago following intense stabbing pain in the lower right abdomen. The pathology report said that she had "acute appendicitis and periappendicitis". No problems were present during a post-op appointment a month after the surgery. Recently, she has started experiencing a stabbing pain in the exact location where her appendix was that she says is identical to the feeling she had prior to her surgery. We went to the emergency room and she had a CT scan and her blood drawn. According to the radiologist, nothing appeared out of the ordinary, but she had a very high white blood cell and platelet count. She was discharged with instructions to come back if it got worse.
It's been a week, and she is still experiencing pain at the surgery site, and her right thigh has swelled up a little bit and is painful to stand on. She has also experienced nausea and has swollen lymph nodes. We have tried calling the office of the surgeon who performed the surgery, but we have been turned away two times by the surgeon's nurse, who says that they cannot do anything because my partner "does not have an appendix". Presently, I am worried about a potential for a stump appendicitis, or at the very least a perforation of the appendix stump which may be draining into her right leg. Since stump appendicitis is so rare, I think that the nurse doesn't know it's a thing can even happen.
My partner is hesitant to head back to the emergency room as she is worried that they will just tell her to go home again.
My question is this: does this sound serious, and if so, who do we turn to given that this same nurse has turned us away twice now?
Patient Information:
Age: 23
Sex: F
Height: 5' 6''
Weight: 240 lb
Race: Mixed
Existing Medical Issues: Polycystic ovarian Syndrome (currently being treated with medications below)
Medications: Vraylar 3mg per day, spironolactone 200mg per day, Metformin 1000mg per day (She hasn't been taking the metformin recently).
She drinks occasionally, smokes rarely.

Content Warning:Mentions of Child Abuse & Gore
They called me a colic baby, meaning I was a seemingly healthy baby that was distressed for an unknown reason. The fits of crying mostly dissipated by six months, but they'd crop up every now and then into toddler-hood. When I became capable of babbling a few words, I would summarize my pain in a few words: belly hurt. Belly HURT!
My parents didn't have much money, but they took me to the doctor for a checkup anyway. After running a physical exam and blood test, they determined that I was merely an excessively gassy little girl and should probably eat a more gut-friendly diet. They also prescribed some medicine which would eliminate the gas and relieve my pain.
It was from that moment on that my parents gave me the nickname "Gas Girl" (which I despised). The name stuck for several years, and anytime I'd get a little stomach ache my mom or dad would say, "uh, oh. It's not Gas Girl returning, is it?" I'd glare at them with my arms folded and pout, saying, "I'm not Gas Girl. I'm Wonder Girl!" My parents would share a look, then burst out laughing. Just as I was about to shout a retort, my dad would open up his arms and bend down in that familiar pose which signaled liftoff, and all my childish rage detached like a racing sticker as I leaped into my dad's arms and he flew me around the living room shouting "Who is it? It's Wonder-girl! Here to save the day from Gas Girl!"
Anyway, just as the nickname wore off, the pain returned. I was about 7 or 8 when I had my first big episode. I was in second grade, and the class was cutting out shapes. The pain came on so suddenly I remember lurching back and falling out of my seat. The next few hours were a blur of adults: my teacher, the nurses, the principal, my parents. I remember how cold and alone I felt despite being surrounded by grown ups, and my stomach hurt so much I was crying pretty much nonstop.
My dad bought a bunch of OTC medicine to try and settle what he thought was a really bad gas episode. My mom laid at the side of my bed and did bicycles in the air with me. Hours passed in pain as my adolescent imagination conjured up images of an evil little elf blowing thousands of bubbles in my belly. I consciously pictured myself popping them, but every time I did, more were blown. My dad scheduled a doctor's appointment for the next morning, and my mom stayed at my side until I was able to fall asleep sometime late in the night.
I dreamed vividly a horrific nightmare. I was strapped to a black, metal box. A surgeon donning blue scrubs with white gloves and a mask entered the space in my peripheral vision. The air was cold but crisp, as if every bit of dust had been scrubbed out of existence. I could feel my breathing, my heartbeat, even my skin. The doctor stepped forward and I could see the distortion of a smirk in the folds of his mask. I expected him to say something, to tell me what he wanted, but instead he lifted my shirt so my belly was exposed. "It's cold", I said in a mumbly voice. He lifted his hand in the air, and I saw behind it off in the back of the room was what looked like the glass wall of an aquarium. I was confused for a second, but only a second. The surgeon plunged his hand into my stomach like a spear, splitting through the flesh as if it were the skin of a ripe fruit. The previously silent man began to cackle like a maniacal villain as I nearly passed out from the pain. I felt his fingers swimming through my guts like parasitic worms. My body shook as cold sweat and blood began to ooze from my pores. I wanted to scream but I couldn't make a sound. I could only lay there, paralyzed, as the evil doctor explored my insides.
Somehow I lost consciousness in the dream, but when I woke up, the memory came flooding back, and I screamed with all the force of a thunderstorm. My parents skipped the appointment and rushed me to immediate care, but by the time we arrived, the pain was gone. I explained my dream to the doctor, but he said it was normal to dream up reasons for the pain. They recommended a CT scan to screen out the possibility of an ulcer or internal bleeding. Despite my parents' scarce savings, they agreed to run the test. However, something deeply entrenched in my mind thought of the dream with the surgeon and I protested. "I don't want a test!" I screamed. "But, honey, how are we going to know what's wrong?" replied my mom. "Nothing's wrong now. I don't want a test."
Looking back now on my persistence, it should have been obvious that there was something wrong with me, but my parents, who were thinking of their finances, allowed themselves to acquiesce to my demands. The pain would continue into and throughout my teenage years, and the one benefit that I can credit to it was that it taught me how to endure pain and hide it well before puberty started. Compared to my childhood cramps, period cramps were around a B+. Very bad, but not end of the world bad. However, they'd stick around more reliably, and eventually the two began to combine until I could no longer discern between them. Occasionally I would have a nightmare and wake up with a pain that was a little higher in my stomach, almost approaching my chest, but it would always disappear by breakfast time, and the chaos of a teenage girl's life would once again reassert itself in the form of an outfit that didn't look quite right or the memory of every word of a conversation with a guy I liked or how my teacher was out to get me. Basically, I had become normal.
And then two weeks after I turned 16, my dad passed away from heart failure. Apparently the stress from a paycheck-to-paycheck life in sales added onto a bad diet and a penchant for alcohol was a recipe for disaster. He was only 49. I was crushed.
The weeks and months following his funeral were filled with teenage anger and resentment. I directed most of it at my mom, who I held accountable for not being strong enough to step up and help with the bills. One day, when I was searching the drug cabinet for some painkillers to deal with some bad cramping, I noticed a new prescription for a drug with a really long name. I looked it up. It was an antidepressant. From that moment on I stopped giving my mom shit, but I grew a bit distant from her. I started spending a lot more time with my friends. I became reckless, adopting a drinking habit and unsafe sex practices. I smoked a bit but I didn't really like it. I guess I was just trying to find a way to move on, as naive as it was.
Fast forward to my present situation, and I'm a college student. A junior to be exact. I ended up scrounging up enough money from working two restaurant jobs to see a therapist on my own dime, and managed to make peace with my mom before leaving. We both talked out all of our trauma and cried together, and from that moment on, I haven't had a drink. About six months ago I got on the pill. I was starting to see one guy consistently and I wanted to be safe, but also I wanted to know what it felt like to not have stomach cramps anymore. It was freeing. I remembered my dad lifting me up into the air as a child, and I figured it kinda felt like that. I still cry thinking about him, although I don't let anyone see.
Anyway, about a week ago I started having really bad pain again, but this time it was in my chest. I would wake up in my apartment (I share a 3-bedroom with some friends from the college) with heart palpitations. My heart felt like a snake had wrapped around it and was trying to choke it out. The pressure would give way to a burst of fast ba-dum's, then settle, then start again. I remembered my dad's prognosis and started to get really scared, so I scheduled an appointment with the on-campus doctor for the next day through the online health platform.
They told me that chest pain is no joke and scheduled to have me scanned at a nearby hospital. This was four days ago. My boyfriend, Kevin, drove me there even though I said I'd be fine going alone. I think I already knew our relationship wasn't going to work out long term, so I was kind of checked out. I felt bad about it though because Kev is actually a really good person, but our personalities just don't match. He's very introverted and doesn't like to go out, whereas I thrive in group settings. Anyway, he drove me and I ended up getting an X-ray. The doc came in to share the results and I was immediately put off by the dubious expression on his face.
"What do you mean the images are blurry?" I asked.
"Well, it's just… that. They're blurry. It's very unusual for this to happen unless you have a pacemaker or some other device implanted. Do you know if you have something like that?"
"No, never," I said with a quaver in my voice. For some reason I thought back on my childhood dream with the surgeon and felt the urge to vomit.
"Well, let's run a CT scan and see if we can make anything out." He soothed.
Normally the CT and MRI dock was booked for a week out but the doctor happened to have an open space for me that same morning, so I waited about an hour and then got in the big tube machine that took pictures of my chest and abdomen. He said he should have the results by Thursday. That was Yesterday.
I was driving onto campus for my 9AM class when I got the call.
"Hello, this is Dr. **** calling for Josie **** ." (names redacted for privacy reasons)
"Oh, yes, this is Josie," I said and fit the phone between my shoulder and ear as I tried to find a comfortable posture."
"Yes, hello," the male doctor said in grave way which made me feel like this wasn't going to be a short call. "I wanted to see if you were available to come in today for some more tests."
"More tests?" I asked. "What about the first ones?" Images of blocked heart valves and cancer presented themselves on my mental screen.
"Yes, well, I wanted to discuss the results with you in person. There was a bit of a … well, an inconsistency, and I didn't want to upset you—"
"Upset me!?" I blurted, my free hand flying out over the steering wheel, swerving my car toward the curb. I corrected, then lowered my voice, "sorry, I don't mean to be …" be, what? This is completely absurd. "Could you at least give me some indication of what's wrong with me? I'm just kind of panicking here."
The doctor was quiet for a moment, then returned. "Sorry, Josie, I didn't mean to spook you. Both the X-ray scan and CT scan are picking up interference which is unusual. It's possible it's just a flaw on our end, so that's why we wanted you to come back in—to do an MRI and really verify what the issue is. This one would be free of charge and we'd get you results same-day as we feel bad about the issues with the machinery. Do you think that would be possible?"
I took a deep breath. I still felt uneasy, but at least now there was some kind of explanation I could lean on. "Okay, yeah, I can come in. I have class until 9:50AM, but I can drive over after and be there around 10:15, 10:20-ish. Would that work?"
"That would work great. We'll see you then."
I spent the whole of my communications class thinking about what could be wrong with me, doodling my ideas down on a notebook. Heart disease. Cancer. Some kind of peptic ulcer. Maybe it was the pill? The drinking? Was this some kind of cosmic retribution? I didn't know.
An hour later I was back at the hospital. I expected to be ushered into the MRI prep room, but instead I found myself in one of the normal patient rooms, sitting upright on a bed. The nurse did the preliminary height and weight measurements and medical history. I asked about the MRI, but all she said was that the doctor will discuss that with me. Before she left, she handed me an assessment to fill out. It seemed to be a list of questions about the medical history of my family, specifically about our mental health. Does your family have a history of Schizophrenia? Have there been any instances of domestic abuse? Did you have vivid nightmares as a child? Etc. I marked the boxes, then set the clipboard down.
At last I heard the fated knock on the door, and my doctor came in holding an Ipad. The door was only open for maybe a couple seconds, but I could see multiple nurses and technicians peeking their heads in my direction, as if they were trying to catch a glimpse of me. That can't be good.
"Hello, Josie," the doctor said and clicked on the little TV screen. He didn't even look at me. I could see dried sweat along his hairline.
"What's happening? I thought I was going to get an MRI…"
"Well, actually we aren't sure if that's the best course of action." the doctor said as he clicked the screen and pulled up a series of images.
"Can you look at me, please?" I snapped.
The doctor raised his head and tilted it in my direction. His mouth was agape, his eyes wide as if only realizing I was here at that moment. "I'm sorry, Josie." He took a deep breath, preparing some kind of canned presentation, then let it out and said, "It's just easier if I show you." He pulled up the first global image from what I presume was my CT scan. It was a front-shot. I could see my organs as little geometric shapes and—
"Wait, what is that?" I asked, pointing at the screen.
"That—is the problem."
I spent the next minute just staring at it. Somehow, in between all of the organs, there was some kind of cylindrical mass—I thought it was my spine at first but quickly realized it was too wide and there weren't any vertebrae—and at the head of the mass was, very clearly, a hand.
"What the fuck is that" I said in a tone that was at once forceful and pointed.
"It appears," the doctor started, looking away again. "It appears that there is a mechanical hand in your chest cavity. It's attached to a piece of a forearm that begins at your stomach, here," he pointed, "and continues up until, well, it appears to be holding your heart."
Ten seconds passed in silence. Then I was hit with the equivalent of the laughing gas they give you at the Dentist's office. All the blood in my body surged to my forehead and I felt light as the very thin hospital air. "Hahaha!!! You expect me to believe that? What kind of fucking clown-show hospital is this? Am I at the circus?' I stood up and started toward the door. The doctor body blocked me.
"Please, Josie, that isn't it."
"Oh?" I said sarcastically. "Please, do tell."
"Could you have—oh, okay, okay,, let me explain."
I stood there with my arms folded, unrelenting.
"When we first had you do the X-ray there was a big blur. It was clear that something was blocking us from seeing the image. The CT scan was able to take some actual pictures of it. I know it seems, well, unusual—"
"Wait, what the hell is that?" I asked, gesturing toward the clipboard.
"What?" The doctor looked disoriented.
"Those questions. Are you trying to insinuate that my mom and dad implanted some kind of mechanical hand in my body?"
"No," the doctor raised his hands. "We were just trying to gather some more information… Josie," the doctor said as I once again headed for the door handle. "Please, there's more. From the blood test we conducted it seems that you're pregnant."
I was so done. "I'm on the pill, asshole." I sneered and swung the door open, ignoring the sets of eyes trained on me as I scurried to the end of the hall, ran outside, and climbed into my car. I expected to see a bunch of people in white coats running after me, but there was no one. I started the car as tears began to stream from my eyes. Fuck them, I thought and sped out of the parking lot.
I couldn't return to my apartment. I ended up driving for hours, working my way back to my hometown. I spent a long time thinking about all the things I had experienced growing up. The stomach pain, slowly working its way up to my chest. The vivid dream of the surgeon feeling around my guts. Was it really that crazy to think my body was trying to tell me something? Why had I decided against having a CT scan all those years ago? Why now? I didn't—couldn't believe what was happening to me. But was that just because I didn't want to believe it?
And then there was the pregnancy. I was definitely on the pill. I knew it wasn't Kev's, or at least I was pretty sure it wasn't. We haven't been having sex for a little over a month now. But did that mean that something else didn't impregnate me? My paranoia was at its peak. I considered the possibility that maybe it was me that was Schizophrenic. None of this made any sense. I wanted my dad. I missed him. I considered going to see my mom, but despite making up with her, I still didn't feel close enough to her to own up to everything. I wanted to be alone—needed to be alone.
I ended up getting a Motel about 10 minutes away from my house. It was around 1AM when I finally opened the door to my room and laid down on the bed. After hours of thinking, a single thought occurred to me like a kind of defense mechanism: if I really am pregnant, I'm not keeping the baby. I want it out.
Just as I was drifting off to sleep, I heard the notification sound go off on my phone, which was odd since I was sure I had set it to vibrate. I turned and grabbed it, unplugging it from its charging dock. I had received a text message from an unknown, 5-digit number: 66669. This is what it said.
66669: If you terminate my baby, I will crush your heart.
***
I haven't been able to sleep since. It's now 6AM and I've drafted this as a cry for help. Please, let me know what you think I should do. I'm too "in it" to see the details clearly. I feel alone and scared and paranoid. Someone or something is watching me. Maybe it has been my whole life.

How is it people go day to day at all? literally, how is 99% of the population not conscious? can you not see? or do you think maybe it is beyond you? it doesn't affect you? its not as bad as it seems? or some other ignorant and delusional psychological self comfort.
surely its not like the movies, and some people observe while others get herded from paddock to paddock, a rare few genius and outliers of all which are Neurodivergent
our world both sputtering and struggling to function and simultaneously being destroyed by neurotypical people.. just consume and steal and take from those who care about detail and precision and perfection.. disgusting..
literal ants sprawling for crumbs, yet no real thought, not even as an individual, no leader, no queen, may as well be a smooth brain koala grasping at leaves even it cannot digest. brain dead apes that just take take take, live in a social hierarchy and invent concepts like "bullying" that make zero sense because we all pretend we don't live in this sick social fuck fest of a game, but we do live here. and everyone just lies fucking willy nilly every second of every single day..
yet people just accept it as so.. how does anything less than perfection ever prosper, how come people want problems, want pain, want misery? and toss it up to "balance" or some other misnomer to make themselves feel better.. how the fuck does youtube videos have soft corners, yet we still make cheap mass produced shit with sharp edges that no one ever buys and gets thrown in the ocean to destroy the very thing that keeps us alive..
EVERY. SINGLE. THING. that gets made. not used, not bought. not sold, IT AFFECTS SOMEONE DOWN THE LINE, all these people "doing their own thing" all these simultaneous problems and projects.. video games for example, we have hundreds of studios making hundreds of shit games, wasted hours, wasted resources, everyone branching off to make their own failures, all because of corporate dried shit sniffers thinking they know everything, feeding the greed machine, when people forget, movies, music, art... these are our god forms, the ONE thing we ACTUALLY have.
otherwise we are just smooth brain fucking animals crawling around in our own literal shit, we are so aware of the microscopic world, yet ignore it until it shuts down our social structure.. fucking idiots... old school systems.. fucked up laws.. governments that lie.. you call yourself an ADULT? how the FUCK did you let this happen?
we live in a bureaucratic world (worst fucking word in the world, both literally and visually, linguistically and literature, fucking awful word.), and just like the word itself, it should not exist AT ALL, governments and rules and laws that make NO sense and only benefit those looking to exploit those who cant think for themselves, steps for steps for steps that lead no where..
yet when it comes to that same logic and reasoning, as an individual, it is illegal, criminal, frowned upon even, and then the average person is so dumbfounded by such a concept it gets laughed into the firey pits of hell where we are all fucking headed anyway
intstead of everything being FAIR and TRACKED and LOGICAL, having laws that MAKE SENSE, we live in a clusterfuck..
every single detail, increment, ownership, every number word and piece of data, ALL should be recorded and traceable to a source
EVERY SINGLE MOMENT, should be accounted for, there should be NO THEFT or MISSING items
for example: DE CRIMINALISE DRUG USE - SOLVES ALL YOUR DRUG PROBLEMS. LESS ADDICTS, LESS DEATHS, LESS CRIME.
BAN CENSORSHIP. ENABLE TRUE FREE SPEECH, BEING OFFENDED IS NOT ALLOWED, NOT EVEN TAUGHT, OFFENCE IS PHASED OUT.
Increase right to repair laws, teach repair and mechanics in schools, change school catchments and also reduce work commutes, create large synchronized communities with a balance or trades and education across well distributed areas, abolish the "central business district"
abolish any and all destructive and parasitic practices, become full sustainable regardless of the cost (no MATTER how expensive self sustainability is FREE in the long run) what don't people understand about this most basic shit...
if you don't want problems.. STOP FUCKING MAKING PROBLEMS.. but that's just it isn't it... people WANT problems.. the average person wants a series of manageable problems they can feel good about on a daily basis..
After 2-3 whole days of using broken software, broken system, shitty bureaucratic rules, waiting for idiots, waiting for technology either to load or to buffer, waiting for something to arrive waiting for THINGS to happen with services that "track" but will straight up just be inaccurate to the point where not knowing would be better..
i've always said, its easier to read a book with no internet collection, and easier to watch a video with a fast one, but with a slow and broken connection, nothing is possible. we live in a society on inescapably broken systems, if they didn't exist, we would be free and happy, if they worked perfectly, we would be free and happy, but instead we CHOOSE to live right in the middle
who the fuck is this world built for...