Can we reach a compromise
I grew up & lived with my mom until my elementary days while my dad is an OFW. My mom would spend whole day & night gambling, drinking, smoking, then would come home na mainit ang ulo lalo na kapag natalo sa sugal. She would spank me with hanger, sticks, walis you know the likes. Most of the time, di naman malala yung corporal punishment niya, but merong instances na umaabot na sa dumudugo na yung buong likod and kamay ko. Papasok ako sa school, duguan yung uniform ko, naawa ako sa sarili ko kasi ako lang yung ganun sa classroom namin.
She isn't around most of the time, she buys ulam sa nearby carenderia and would employ a babysitter for me lalo na if maglalakwatsa siya. The allowance she gets from my dad, she spends mostly on her vices and binibigay niya sa family side niya, leaving almost kaunti nalang for us, so sometimes wala kaming maulam and medyo picky eater ako ng bata ako so if ayaw ko kainin yung ulam, papaluin nya ulit ako.
She would also pass out from binge drinking the night before, I was in grade 1, her live in boyfriend would bathe me himself kasi passed out siya.
My dad and my mom separated years after, di alam to ng dad ko until now. Di ko parin sinasabi sa kanya lahat ng yan, he thought until now may normal childhood ako. He is still overseas with his new family.
Fast forward to today, my mom claims that she is a changed person, made better due to the teachings of a born again church. Ngayon, nasa 2nd husband na niya sya nakatira, magkalayo kami ng city. Palagi na siyang nag reconnect sa akin, clingy sa chat, gusto niya magkasama kami, palaging magbibisita siya sa akin, gusto niya akong ipagluto, magda drama kung hindi kami magkasama sa bday nya or mother's day, etc.
I am with my BF now and he said to not associate anymore with my mom since ganun nga yung ginawa sa akin before. Sa side ko naman, baka better na siya ngayon, bumabawi kasi nag improve na siya but my bf says na masyado akong soft hearted and if he was in my shoes, he'd cut off all communications.
What do you think po? Is there a middle ground or compromise for this? Nagpapa awa rin si mama ko sakin most of the time, di ko alam if sincere ba or mina manipulate ako. I love my mom despite all this di ko alam kung bakit soft hearted parin ako.
Up until a few weeks ago I thought I had a loving mother, but ngayon ko lang narerealize, child of an abusive mother ata ako. I am depressed, tired, and sometimes suicidal.
PS sorry di ko po alam if tamang subreddit ito, badly needed opinions or advice lang po talaga thank you

Before I moved in to that house, my roommate was a fairly good friend because she was close to my ex who had recently passed from a heart condition. We got close while grieving his passing and felt a responsibility to help when we could. I had blessings coming in by the multitude and asa Buddhist I must give to receive or lose even more than having. She fell back into active addiction and since she put her home in her mom's name during her divorce 3-4 years prior, her mom was threatening to kick her out if changes weren't made because she has been covering all the taxes and living expenses of her and her then boyfriend, who lived with her at that time. I offered her a job working for me and offered to help with bus fare and provide lunch on days she worked. Her relationship was getting pretty toxic and she worked 2 days, asked to be advanced for 4 more days she never worked, and stopped answering my messages entirely. It out the blue 2 months later she reached out and I told her I was moving out because my lease wasn't getting renewed and had to pick where I wanted to move to and fast. She told me she wanted him out and was going to get a TPO so he couldn't fight her on leaving and wanted to be able to sell his tools and things as"revenge for the abuse she suffered". I didn't agree with that but agreed to support her and her keep her safe. She begged me to move in to help reinforce him needing to stay away. I ignorantly accepted and moved in to her 2nd bedroom. The 2nd day there we sat down and hashed out the details with her mom who at the time said "sounds like you ladies know what you're doing so I'll leave you to it." She let her mom come by every day it seemed like but the home was "good thing she's not your landlord or we'd be screwed!" After her ex stayed away a while she got bored or lonely, not quite sure which. She tracked him down and has him over while I was working one night. I was furious as he JUST burned his friends house down to the ground and caught him trying to pour my diffuser oils on paper and they had burn marks on them like he wanted to set my room in fire. I told her I wanted nothing to do with her being around him and want happy that he was there. So he stole my house key while sleeping. No matter how many times I asked, I couldn't get them to give me another one after that. That led to me having to stay at hotels I would walk to when I couldn't get inside and had only 5 or 6 hours before my next double shift. One day coming home she stopped him walking away from the house as we were pulling up so she pulled up next to him and invited him over. I got mad and went inside after pulling up to the house and packed a bag to go stay with my boyfriend who I had to make leave after she asked him to move in too but we went with it and wasn't one of the big problems. I feel asleep early and woke up to ask kinda of messages about her not narcaning him but thinks she should. She thought he might not be breathing but then sent memes and made some jokes. This man couldn't stand opiates, he hated her doing them and was the heart of what they broke up over. He despised them and wouldn't have willing done fentanyl when you couldn't get him to take a Vicodin after pulling his wisdom teeth. He was on life support for 4 days and his family took him off when time he was brain dead from losing oxygen for so many hours. She was a licensed nurse. She knew what to do and how to help him. She said so many times. She's proud she did it and that terrified me. Not enough to destroy my spiritual livelihood and lie and cover up such serious violations. Her mom called me twice during the week he was on life support and once after. 2 days after I refused the last time to give the story of him being on drugs already, her Mom busted into my room and screamed at me demanding for me wake up and come to the living room immediately. She told me I was to get out immediately because I broke in when I was locked out and used my bedroom window to get in and left the house unsecured 2 times that she found when she came by to "check on things". I knew that's not how things in the real world go so I just avoided her and paid my rent as usual. Turns out earlier that day she went and filled for an eviction and had worked out with her daughter how to hide it. She was to remove all notifications and not mention anything so I would keep paying and wouldn't take my belongings and she could make money or keep them if she wanted like she got to do with her ex's things. She has most everything he owned on marketplace 24 hours after he passed. Online the court even notes that "service made to: adult female roommate" and labeled it "successful service" even though she was operating with a huge conflict of interest and nobody questioned it. I lost my job as she was hired by me to transport me back and forth. I couldn't afford hotels very long. I lived in abandoned houses. I'm back in hotels on vouchers now. I'm working and saving for a car to get a better job and get around. I got my cats back from her 6 months after but with wings and scabs on the one she didn't like. Obviously she abused her and I had to pay her to give them back in that condition. My other cat is pregnant but an indoor cat so I guess she let her out anyways. I was sent a message that my things that were left would be placed at the road at a specific time and told to come get what I wanted it it was going to the trash. When I showed up I was meet with police and her video recording me and my helpers in our faces taunting me about being on welfare and wanted to know where my free lawyer was because I would need one when she sues me for storage fees when I was refused the ability to retrieve my belongings 4 times prior. I set up mediation and she started and then ended it 10 minutes in. Nothing has been done about the murder. I still have all the proof and evidence. As well as witnesses. I feel like they are getting away with murder AND so much more. I was left without so much as a cell phone or transportation. I slept in streets. I have trauma from this crap and I'm overwhelmed with what to even to after her for. There's nothing legal about any of this whole situation. At one point when I was allowed to get a few things but not much, her mother drive right beside me while I carried my things tormenting me and laughing at me for being homeless and poor because "i was learning who I was f*ing with and getting the consequences for it". She literally said "bet you wish you would change your story now, didn't Cha?" NOBODY HAS EVEN TAKEN A STATEMENT FROM ME!! there's no story told as of now. Am off this was done preemptively. And no lawyers claim to take care like mine. Where the heck do I turn then? Am I just left to accept this because they have money and were able to take all mine? I'm in Ohio btw. This was September of 23

Hello everyone! I recently got hired as an omr and I start my first day in 2 weeks. I come from a back ground of being all around the ems field from 911/CCT/SCT/ALS, events and even er tech. However, I am slowly starting to burn out and I start nursing school soon so just wanted a chill job where I can focus mainly on school. I have questions for current omrs or even past ones, what exactly do I do in this role on a daily basis? Am I still checking vitals and patient assessment? Please if anyone can give insight that would be amazing

Here is the paper link:10.1109/LRA.2022.3143293.
The paper is about a method localize a capsule endoscope by external dipole. I implemented the algorithm according to the demonstration in the papers. My algorithm can work perfectly when there's no noise. But it failed when I added noise to sensor data. The estimated value is slightly fluncated by initial points which is different with what paper said. I need some help to modify my code. Thanks so much!
Here is my code:
capsule.py

import numpy as np class Capsule(): def __init__(self, axes_acc = 3, axes_mag = 3, radius = 400): self.axes_acc = axes_acc self.axes_mag = axes_mag self.g = 9.81 self.r = radius def generate_acc_data(self, ground_truth_ang:tuple): phi,theta,psi = ground_truth_ang Rx = np.array([[1, 0, 0], [0, np.cos(phi), -np.sin(phi)], [0, np.sin(phi), np.cos(phi)]]) Ry = np.array([[np.cos(theta), 0, np.sin(theta)], [0, 1, 0], [-np.sin(theta), 0, np.cos(theta)]]) Rz = np.array([[np.cos(psi), -np.sin(psi), 0], [np.sin(psi), np.cos(psi), 0], [0, 0, 1]]) g = np.array([0, 0, -self.g]) return Rz @ Ry @ Rx @ g def generate_position_data(self,num_points): radius = self.r min_z = -radius max_z = 0 positions = [] while len(positions) < num_points: x = np.random.uniform(-radius, radius) y = np.random.uniform(-radius, radius) z = np.random.uniform(min_z, max_z) # Check if within the sphere if x**2 + y**2 + z**2 <= radius**2: # Ensure magnitude constraint is met and z-component constraint pc_magnitude = np.sqrt(x**2 + y**2 + z**2) if pc_magnitude > 20*1e-3 and -z * pc_magnitude > 25.4*1e-3: positions.append((x, y, z)) return np.array(positions) #test if __name__ == '__main__': import matplotlib.pyplot as plt from mpl_toolkits.mplot3d import Axes3D capsule = Capsule() num_samples = 20 test_positions = capsule.generate_position_data(num_samples) # Set up the figure and axis fig = plt.figure() ax = fig.add_subplot(111, projection='3d') # Sphere u = np.linspace(0, 2 * np.pi, 100) v = np.linspace(0, np.pi, 100) x = 400 * np.outer(np.cos(u), np.sin(v)) y = 400 * np.outer(np.sin(u), np.sin(v)) z = 400 * np.outer(np.ones(np.size(u)), np.cos(v)) # Only the lower hemisphere ax.plot_surface(x, y, z, color='b', alpha=0.1) # Transparent sphere # Plotting the test positions ax.scatter(test_positions[:, 0], test_positions[:, 1], test_positions[:, 2], color='red') # Axis labels ax.set_xlabel('X (mm)') ax.set_ylabel('Y (mm)') ax.set_zlabel('Z (mm)') # Set aspect ratio ax.set_box_aspect([1,1,1]) # Equal aspect ratio # Show the plot plt.show() 

dipole.py

class Dipole(): def __init__(self, radium = 400, mgt_m = 1): self.r = radium self.value = mgt_m 

simulation.py

import numpy as np from scipy.optimize import least_squares import matplotlib.pyplot as plt from capsule import Capsule from dipole import Dipole class Simulator(): def __init__(self, radium = 400, # mm num_samples = 10, axes_acc = 3, axes_mag = 3, mgt_m = 66.0, # A*m^2 noise=None): self.r = radium / 1000 self.num_samples = num_samples self.axes_acc = axes_acc self.axes_mag = axes_mag self.mgt_m = mgt_m self.capsule = Capsule(axes_acc=self.axes_acc, axes_mag=self.axes_mag, radius=self.r) self.dipole = Dipole(radium=self.r,mgt_m=self.mgt_m) self.noise = noise def magnetic_field_model(self,pc,me): mu0 = 4 * np.pi * 1e-7 norm_pc = np.linalg.norm(pc) norm_me = np.linalg.norm(me) if pc.ndim == 1: pc = pc.reshape(-1, 1) if me.ndim == 1: me = me.reshape(-1, 1) B = (mu0 * norm_me) / (4 * np.pi * norm_pc**3) term = (3 * np.dot(pc, pc.T) / norm_pc**2) - np.identity(3) b = B * (term @ (me / norm_me)) return b def rotate_vector(self,vec, axis, angle): axis = axis / np.linalg.norm(axis) cos_theta = np.cos(angle) sin_theta = np.sin(angle) cross_product = np.cross(axis, vec) dot_product = np.dot(axis, vec) rotated_vector = cos_theta * vec + sin_theta * cross_product + (1 - cos_theta) * dot_product * axis return rotated_vector def generate_rotating_me(self,): initial_dipole = np.array([0,0,self.mgt_m]) axes = [np.array([1, 0, 0]), np.array([0, 1, 0]), np.array([0, 0, 1])] angles = np.linspace(0, np.pi/2, 50) dipole_moments = [] for i in range(len(axes)): for j in range(i + 1, len(axes)): for angle_i in angles: for angle_j in angles: # First rotate around one axis intermed_dipole = self.rotate_vector(initial_dipole, axes[i], angle_i) # Then rotate the result around another axis rotated_dipole = self.rotate_vector(intermed_dipole, axes[j], angle_j) dipole_moments.append(rotated_dipole) return dipole_moments def calculate_angles(self,g): gx, gy, gz = g theta = np.arctan2(-gx, np.sqrt(gy**2 + gz**2)) phi = np.arctan2(gy, gz) return theta, phi def rotation_matrix(self,theta,phi,psi): Rx = np.array([[1, 0, 0], [0, np.cos(phi), -np.sin(phi)], [0, np.sin(phi), np.cos(phi)]]) Ry = np.array([[np.cos(theta), 0, np.sin(theta)], [0, 1, 0], [-np.sin(theta), 0, np.cos(theta)]]) Rz = np.array([[np.cos(psi), -np.sin(psi), 0], [np.sin(psi), np.cos(psi), 0], [0, 0, 1]]) return Rz.T @ Ry.T @ Rx.T def calculate_bm(self,pos, me, phi,theta, psi, type='x-y'): if type == 'x-y': P = np.array([[1,0,0],[0,1,0]]) elif type == 'y-z': P = np.array([[0,1,0],[0,0,1]]) else: raise ValueError("Invalid type specified. Use 'x-y' or 'y-z'.") b = self.magnetic_field_model(pos,me) rotation = self.rotation_matrix(theta,phi,psi) bm = P @ rotation @ b return bm def objective_function(self,x,pc,mes,ro_truth,type='x-y'): pos = x[:3] # Updated position psi = x[3] # Updated psi rotation angle g_reading = self.capsule.generate_acc_data(ro_truth) g_reading_noise = np.random.normal(0,0.002,3) + g_reading # Calculate angles from accelerometer data theta, phi = self.calculate_angles(g_reading) theta_n, phi_n = self.calculate_angles(g_reading_noise) residuals = [] mes_noise = mes + np.random.normal(0,10.6*1e-6,3) if self.noise: for me_noise, me in zip(mes_noise,mes): # me_noise = me + np.random.normal(0,10.6*1e-6,3) # Calculate modeled magnetometer data based on the current position and pose Bm = self.calculate_bm(pos, me_noise, phi_n, theta_n, psi, type) # Objective: minimize the difference between actual magnetic field and modeled field Be = self.calculate_bm(pc, me, phi, theta, ro_truth[-1], type) residuals.extend(Bm - Be) else: for me in mes: # Calculate modeled magnetometer data based on the current position and pose Bm = self.calculate_bm(pos, me, phi, theta, psi, type) # Objective: minimize the difference between actual magnetic field and modeled field Be = self.calculate_bm(pc, me, phi, theta, ro_truth[-1], type) residuals.extend(Bm - Be) return np.array(residuals).flatten() def simulate(self,): # generate test points test_positions = self.capsule.generate_position_data(self.num_samples) ro_truth = (np.radians(0),np.radians(0),np.radians(10)) results = [] for pc in test_positions: print("--------------------------------------") print("Ground Truth: {}".format(pc)) dipole_moments = self.generate_rotating_me() # x0 = np.array([110*1e-3,-30*1e-3,-81*1e-3,0]) # six init values X = [np.array([-81*1e-3,-81*1e-3,-81*1e-3,0]), np.array([110*1e-3,-30*1e-3,-81*1e-3,0]), np.array([-30*1e-3,110*1e-3,-81*1e-3,0]), np.array([-81*1e-3,-81*1e-3,-81*1e-3,np.radians(180)]), np.array([110*1e-3,-30*1e-3,-81*1e-3,np.radians(180)]), np.array([-30*1e-3,110*1e-3,-81*1e-3,np.radians(180)]),] flag = 0 for x0 in X: print("current test position: {}".format(x0)) result = least_squares(lambda x: self.objective_function(x, pc, dipole_moments, ro_truth, 'x-y'), x0, method='lm', verbose=2) if result.x[-2] > 0: for i in range(3): result.x[i] = -result.x[i] distance = np.linalg.norm(result.x[:3] - pc) if distance < 1e-4: flag = 1 print("the estimated: {}".format(result.x)) break if flag == 0: print("Don't find the global minimum") results.append(result.x) print("--------------------------------------") self.plot(test_positions,np.array(results)) return results def plot(self,truth_pos,estimated_pos): fig = plt.figure() ax = fig.add_subplot(111, projection='3d') ax.scatter(truth_pos[:, 0]*1e3, truth_pos[:, 1]*1e3, truth_pos[:, 2]*1e3, c='b', label='Truth') ax.scatter(estimated_pos[:, 0]*1e3, estimated_pos[:, 1]*1e3, estimated_pos[:, 2]*1e3, c='r', label='Estimated') ax.set_xlabel('X (mm)') ax.set_ylabel('Y (mm)') ax.set_zlabel('Z (mm)') ax.set_title('Truth vs Estimated Positions') ax.legend() plt.show() if __name__ == "__main__": np.random.seed(1) simulator = Simulator(noise=True) # simulator = Simulator() results = simulator.simulate() 

TW: Alcoholism, drug addiction, violence, suicidal ideation, sex abuse
This is going to be a LLLLLOOONNNNGGGGG one. This story goes back quite a way, but yesterday was the tenth anniversary of the ending to this story and I'm feeling it, still got some guilt about everything that happened, wondering what I could have done differently and I just want to vent it out and hope to get some closure from it.
This story started in 2010.
Characters in this story (names are fake, duh!):

• Me, Guy, 32M at the time, 45 now.
• My BFF Stephanie, 33F at the time.
• Stephen, 40M at the time, Stephanie's boyfriend.
• Maryse, 27F at the time.

Background and intro
I had known Stephanie for many years and we had the kind of friendship that made her BFs and my GFs uncomfortable to put it lightly. We had never crossed that boundary and I wouldn't consider us in the friendzone, we were just friend, but the kind of friend where she would sit on my lap with her arms around my neck or her head on my shoulder.
At the start of 2010, Stephanie met her then boyfriend, Stephen. He tolerated me and my friendship with Stephanie because I also had a gf back then. She liked Stephanie, wasn't at all jealous of my friendship with her, so he didn't deem me too suspicious. Then my gf and I broke up for reasons unimportant and all hell broke loose for Stephen. He became convinced that I would try and steal Stephanie from him. He insisted that Stephanie introduce me to her female friends or female friends of his. Thus began what I called the year of the 50 blind dates. It was probably closer to 20, but still I like saying the year of 50 blind dates. Most of them were unremarkable and never went beyond the first date. There are some fun stories in there if anyone wants to hear them eventually!
In July of that year, I had to switch gears because I had to focus up and study for a professional exam for a certification important to my career. This exam required close to 600-800 hours of study over a 3-4 month period. So I hunkered down, told Stephanie to stop the blind dates for now because I had to focus on that. She respected my wishes and, other a text here or there, we went low contact for the last two months before the exam.
Except for one fateful night in September. Her birthday was in September and she always threw these big bashes at her house. She would throw a big pool party that started around noon and would go on to the wee hours of the morning. I knew she would harass me to go to her party, so I made some quick math and figured I would lose more energy and time trying to dodge her calls, texts and most likely visits at my place than by just going to the party itself. So when she called me to ask, I just said: "Okay I'll go to your damn party, now git." I texted her I would get there in the evening probably around 8. She texted back "Great, can't wait. Now study, bitch!"
So I ultimately get there around 8PM. Basically everybody is already drunk off their gourd. Stephanie sees me, squeals in excitement and runs to me in her bikini and just jumps in the air and slams into me, wraps her arms around my neck and her legs around my waist and gives me a big hug. I hug her back and just keep walking back to the pool where she had started, carrying her with me. I just duck my head around hers and say hi to Stephen, who just glares at me.
She drops back down and I give her her gift. We chat for a few seconds and says "There's beer in the fridge and food in the dining room." I told her I'd be right back.
I go inside and grab a beer from the fridge. I head to the dining room and the table is against the wall with a buffet of sandwiches, tomato pizza, salads, etc. I grab a plate and start putting food on it. I was focused on the task because I was starving. I barely noticed, sitting at the end of the table one of the most stunning woman I have ever seen. I just see her in my peripheral vision and I do a quick double take, quick glance at her and back to the food. I do that a second time. And finally a third time. At that point she is just straight up staring at me and I can't help but chuckle and whisper under my breath "Subtle Guy, sub-tle".
Thankfully she starts laughing too, saving me some embarassment. I look at her and greet her. She says "Hi, I'm Maryse and I'm guessing you're Guy?" I just nod and we start talking. At that point, I just thought I have no shot with her, she's so far out of my league that I'm just gonna talk to her until she sees one of the "models" hanging out by the pool and ditches me for him.
So I'm not feeling like I'm playing for anything, so I'm just myself and not nervous, just talking to her as I would any friend. We chat and she laughs at all my jokes, she gets all my cultural references. She never gets up or ditches me. The plate of food I had made and the beer I had gotten are sitting on the table next to me untouched, I was too busy with the convo to think about food or beer anymore.
After what felt like only 20-30 minutes, Stephanie comes in and tells me, fake grumpy: "So that's where you disappeared to. I invite my best friend to a party and he spends the whole night talking to someone else." I laugh and go: "What do you mean the whole night? I haven't been here that long." She says "Dude, it's 2AM. You've been here for 6 hours..." My jaw dropped and I just said: "Wow, time flies when you're having fun." Maryse chimes in, with a big smile: "It sure does!" That made me happy as you can imagine.
Now I was a little stuck because where Stephanie lived, there's no night service for the bus and the subway had been closed for an hour or so. I figured I would cab it. So I turn to Maryse and tell her: "It was absolutely lovely to meet you and I enjoyed our conversation very much." She says that she did too. I continued with "At the moment, my schedule is incredibly hectic. I'm basically working full-time, studying full-time and sleeping part-time. So I don't have a lot of free time, but if she was interested, whatever little free time I had, I would love to call her or text her to keep on getting to know her."
I see Stephanie in the backgroudnd, looking like a proud mama at how smooth that came out, knowing I was always anything but smooth with women, as proven by the string of blind dates! Maryse has a big smile and we exchange numbers. I go to Stephanie to wish her a happy birthday again. While I'm talking to her, my phone buzzes with a text from Maryse: "Just checking!"
I asked Stephanie "What's the best cab company to call in this area?" Maryse chimes in: "Where do you live?" I tell her where I lived and she goes "It's on the way to where I live, I can give you a ride if you want." Stephanie raised an eyebrow in surprise. I learned later, she did it because it absolutely was not on the way to her place, like, at all. I say that I would love that as it would give us a chance to keep talking.
We get in her car, driving to my place. We talk, she asks me what I'm studying as I hadn't mentioned it earlier. I tell her all about the boring maths I had to study. Much too quickly, we get to my place. She parks in front of my building and we keep talking. At some point, I tell her: "Normally, this is where I would try to "trick" you into coming up to my place..." She interrupts me: "You wouldn't need to trick me. I'm willing and able!"
I tell her that "As tempting as that sounds, I know who I am and I know that if you come up and things proceed to where they're going, I'm not going to be able to study for the rest of the month. I have a kind of obsessive mind and when I find someone or something I like, I can push everything else to the side in favor of that. So to make sure I can still focus on my studying, I have to go up by myself."
She looks at me, a little disappointed but then says, half-jokingly: "We don't have to go up, there's a backseat right there!" We laugh and I give her a kiss and wish her a good night. I managed to stay strong and go back to my condo. Damn it, why did I have to stay strong!!!
My exam was at the beginning of november. During the month of october, we texted a bunch of times and talked on the phone. We went for coffee a couple of times and dinner once. She respected my boundaries and never pushed for more, which I appreciated but also hated at the same time, if that makes sense. The exam came and it was a monster of a Friday. I slept for basically 18 hours after the exam as the adrenalin dropped and my system crashed.
I texted her when I woke up at around 1PM. She was working at the clothing store Stephanie owned. She said "I'm off at 5PM, wanna meet me." I said: "Duh! Why do you think I'm texting? ;)" So I met her at the store downtown. I asked if she wanted to grab a drink, go for dinner, or what. She proposed going to her place and getting some take out. Stephanie who was closing the store at that moment, came up to us and said: "Hey, so what are we doing?" I said: "WE, that is Maryse and I, are going to her place and getting some takeout. Bye!" I'm sure you'll understand when I tell you that no food was ever ordered that night!
Thus followed a whirlwind month of November where any free time we had was spent together, and I wasn't going to complain!
The troubles
By the start of december, things were still going great with us. One saturday night, we were having dinner at a restaurant and I mention that this coming Friday is my office Christmas party, that it's employees only, so we wouln't see each other that night. She tells me: "Oh sure, that's fine! It'll give me a chance to go see some girlfriends I've been neglecting lately." I said "Great! BTW I also got us a reservation at [this great restaurant she had mentioned a few times] for next Saturday, so we could go there and I'll tell you all about my party and you can tell me all about her night with the girls!"
That was settled, I thought. I was wrong. On Thursday, we had spent the evening together at her place and I was about to leave to go back to my place. She tells me: "So are you coming to meet me at the store tomorrow or do I go to your place?" I reminded her: "Neither, tomorrow is my office Christmas party and we won't see each other tomorrow." She said: "Oh right, I forgot." I asked her if she had made plans with her friends like she had mentioned last saturday. She said that they were all busy tomorrow and weren't available.
She suggested "If your party is boring, maybe you could come meet me." I retorted that it wasn't going to be, knowing who was going to be there.
"Yeah but what if?"
"But it won't"
"But what IFFFFFF?" she kept insisting and I kept saying no. After what felt like 30 minutes of that (probably only 2-3 minutes in reality), I had enough and just said to end the argument: "Okay, if it's boring, I'll come. but it won't be." She said: "Cool" with a big smile on her face. I came to learn that that smile meant "Challenge accepted".
The following night, my colleague and I were pregaming in a conference room before leaving for the party proper and my phone buzzes. Maryse was wishing me a good party. I replied. She texted me again. I replied. She texted again, but I was in a conversation with a colleague so I didn't reply or even look at the phone. My phone buzzes again. Still talking, and didn't want to be rude to my colleague. Another buzz. I just kept talking. Phone buzzes differently, she was now calling because I hadn't answered her texts.
"Why aren't you replying to my texts?"
"Hey, sorry, was talking to my colleague Patrick."
"What? you don't want to talk to me?"
"I am talking to you now."
"Why didn't you reply to my texts?"
"Because it would have been rude to my colleague to pull my phone out while talking to him."
"But you're talking to me now."
"Because I thought something was wrong, maybe it was an emergency."
"I wanted to talk to you, that's all."
"Well, gotta go back to the party. Talk to you later."
She kept texting and if I didn't reply right away, she would call after two or three missed texts. After about 2 hours of this, I stopped answering the texts. When she called back, I asked her: "Aren't you supposed to be working?" which started another round of guilt-tripping of "why are you asking me this? you don't want to talk to me?" At that point I had had enough and wanted to enjoy my party. I remembered that the Blackberry (no shaming old tech!) I had had an annoying feature, but I was hoping to put it to good use at that moment.
Whenever the battery would get really low, like less than 1%, it would let out an ear-piercing BEEP for about 3 seconds, reminiding you to charge it and giving you a heart attack all at the same time. It would do that even when you were in silent mode. It had happened a few days earlier when I was with Maryse. I figured, if I press a button on the Blackberry, it would make a beep too that could be heard through the phone. So while I was talking to Maryse, I pressed my thumb on the space bar for a good 3 seconds and sputtered; "what... the .... what?" trying to put on a somewhat believable performance.
She asked what that noise was and I tell her that it was my blackberry letting me know I was low battery and it might shut off any second. I told her "Listen I'm gonna wish you a good night, I'm having a good time at my party so I'll see you tomorrow at 5PM to go spend our evening together. I hope you have a good....." and hung up mid-sentence. I promptly shut my phone off and went back to the party. I concede that I may be a bit of an AH for that move.
The party was great, I got drunk much quicker than I expected owing to the fact that I hadn't had a drink in over two months because Maryse didn't drink so I didn't either when we were together, and we were always together. At 1AM, I went home and passed out on my bed.
This is another place where I may have been an AH. I didn't turn my cell phone back on and I unplugged my home line too, because I wanted to sleep the deep sleep of the drunkard. I woke up at around 1:30 PM, not knowing it was already too late. In my mind, I was meeting Maryse at 5PM to go out on the town that night. Maryse had other ideas as you'll see.
So like I said, I woke up at 1:30PM and was sticky with alcohol sweat, so I went straight for the shower to get clean again. While in the shower, my stomach grumbled with hunger and I started daydreaming of bacon and eggs. That pushed me out of the shower right quick. I dried myself off quickly, tied the towel around my waist and went to the fridge. No bacon.... booo. Looked at the egg compartment... no eggs... booo again. Okay then, how about a cream cheese bagel. No cream cheese, damn it. Look in the pantry, no bagels.... god. I was starting to get angry. Okay, cereals then. I pick up the cereal box, that mofo was empty and I get mad: "who's the idiot who puts the empty box back in the pantry?" I remembered I live alone.
I close the fridge dejected and see the grocery list stuck on the fridge, taunting me with everything I wanted to eat for breakfast written on it. But I felt like if I went to the grocery store hungry as I Was, I'm just gonna pay 600$ and not get one single healthy thing to eat. I then remembered there's a restaurant next to the grocery store that serves breakfast until 3PM. I get excited! I get dressed quickly, grab my wallet and keys, put my boots on, my coat on, wrap my scarf, my tuque and my gloves and go to the restaurant. If you notice, I didn't mention my phone in there.
I get to the restaurant and confirm that they still have breakfast and get even more excited when she confirms it. I order the "heart attack", at least that's how I nicknamed it: 3 eggs, 3 servings of bacon, 2 sausages, and, I guess to give one peace of mind, fruit (or to be precise, one single solitary slice of orange). Now that the food is ordered and coming I figured I would check if I have any messages. I pat the pocket where my phone always is. No phone. uh-oh. I start clutching evert pocket, no luck.
I wonder if I should go back home after the meal before going to the grocery store and decide against it, it would be too long a detour. So I scarf my breakfast down, rush through the grocery store. I get home and set my bags down in front of the fridge. I go pick up my blackberry. I turn it back on. The little tape icon tells me there are messages on my voicemail, at that time there were no red dots with a number in it to tell you how many.
I connect to the voicemail while starting to put the groceries away. The little automated voice tells me "You have 25 new messages." I pull the phone away from my ear, look at it in disbelief as if saying: "are you f'ing kidding me?" So I press 1 to start playing the messages.
Remember: Maryse knew I was at a party with a dead phone, no chargers and I probably wouldn't get home until 1AM. From 6:30PM, when my phone died, to 11:34 PM, when she went to sleep she left me 9 messages. BTW I know she went to sleep at 11:34PM because she left me a message saying "it's 11:34PM and I'm going to bed. Thinking of you." The 9 messages were in the same vein. These are the salient details, but the messages were all much longer.
She woke up at 7:15 the following day, I'll let you guess how I know that tidbit of information! She left me 5 more messages like those from the day before: 7:15 woke up. 7:35 going to take a shower. 7:55 out of the shower. 8:25 getting ready to leave for work 8:50 walking out of the subway to go to the store.
She leaves me another message at 9 that was different. She sounded very excited as if she had had the best idea in the world: "Hey it's 9AM, I'm about to start my shift. I know we're only supposed to meet after my shift, but what if you came and met me for lunch so you could tell me all about your party." I just did my best Scooby-Doo "Ruh-Roh" and chuckled that I blew that, not thinking the calamity that was awaiting me.
Another couple of messages to talk logistics: "I could take my lunch at 12 or 12:30, let me know which you prefer." "I'm taking my lunch at 12:30"
A slightly worried message: "It's 11:15 and you stil have not said if you were coming or not, are you okay?"
The first bomb goes off and I knew I was in trouble then: "Where are you? We're supposed to meet for lunch and you still haven't given me any sign of life, you're not answering your home phone either, what happened?" Reminder: we were not supposed to meet for lunch, she suggested doing so a couple of hours earlier and I never agreed to anything. I guess she told her colleagues I would meet her for lunch and it was now fact and could perhaps make her look bad in front of her colleagues.
The second bomb drops: "It's almost noon now, WHERE ARE YOU? Stephanie says you're probably sleeping off your drunk, but I don't believe her. I'm sure you got yourself a slut and cheated on me. Didn't you? didn't you, you asshole." Stephanie knows me very well, but that wasn't enough for Maryse it seems.
Ensued four more messages from 12:30 to 1:15, where she starts sounding more and more drunk and accusatory, spewing more attacks like in the message above. At that point I already knew it was over, there was no coming back from that. I can understand having trust issues, but that was nuclear. I don't tolerate jealousy because of horrible experiences with a couple of jealous toxic exes.
A final message comes in, and it's a different voice, that of my best friend being more than a little angry: "Hey Guy, listen, Maryse tells me you had a Christmas party yesterday, so I'm guessing you're sleeping off your drunk, still. But call me when you get this. I put Maryse, who's f'ing drunk, in the backstore so she can dry off and "do inventory". She can't be on the sales floor obviously and I just don't feel safe sending her home in the state she's in. Call me to tell me how you want to handle this."
At that point I had finished putting away my groceries and had put my boots and my coat on and was making my way to the subway to go to the store. I call Stephanie and tell her I got the messages and I was coming. She was right, I was sleeping off my drunk and had just woke up (didn't feel the need to mention the breakfast and grocery store). I ask her if she knows what I'm gonna do when I get there. She says that she knows and understands. She knows my bad history.
When I get out of the subway, I call her again before getting to the store. I ask her how she wants me to do this. It's her store and I don't want to create drama in front of her customers. Does she want me to wait outside and she tells Maryse to meet me in the street or do I go in the store and she takes me to the backstore and I do it there? She says to come to the store.
I walk in the store and every saleswomen on the floor looks at me and gives me the biggest case of the stink-eye. They only have Maryse's side of the story, so they think I did all these horrible things. I see Stephanie in the middle of the store and I walk towards her. She shakes her head and points me towards the cash register. I look over there and see Julia, a salesperson that I've known for a couple of years and really like, who also happens to be the biggest gossip in the store. I understand what Stephanie is trying to do. She's gonna make me tell her my story in front of Julia so Julia can spread the "good news" to the other employees and rehabilitate my name possibly.
So I get to the register and say Hi to Julia. She barely acknoledges me. Steph joins me. She asks me:
"How are you?"
"I was better an hour ago, before I listened to those voicemails. I had gone to our office party last night, had a great night, got drunk off my ass, got home at around 2 and woke up around 2."
Julia asks "Maryse told us you were supposed to meet her for lunch."
"No we weren't. I have a reservation for tonight at XYZ restaurant. I was supposed to take the day to do errands, stuff around the condo and meet her here at closing time. She suggested that it could be fun if I came at lunchtime to meet her, but that was never the plan."
Julia asks again "But why didn't you answer your phone?"
"It ran out of battery last night during the party and when I got home, I was so drunk that I forgot to plug it back in. I only plugged it when I woke up at 2. That's when the messages came in."
Julia asks "She says she tried calling your home line and you didn't answer and your machine didn't kick in."
"Yeah, that one's my fault, I knew I wanted to sleep and telemarketers have a habit of calling me early saturday mornings so I didn't want to be awoken by a call for a rug cleaning service, so I unplugged it yesterday morning, knowing I would be drunk when I got home and forget and be angry if I was awakened by a telemarketer."
Julia gave me a hint of a smile, showing me she was starting to believe me. She asked me a few more questions and then she asked what I was gonna do. I told her that whatever I'll do, I would tell Maryse first.
I looked at Stephanie and said: "Can you open the back store so I can go see her?" So we went to the backstore. As we reached the door, it swung opened and out popped Maryse, looking absolutely terrifying, I actually jumped back when I saw her. Her usual perfect makeup was completely smeared, her mascara streaking down her cheeks from the crying. Her hair was disheveled. She was a mess. Apparently, she had had enough of waiting back there and was planning on leaving the store to go home and had put her coat and boots on.
When she saw me, she went into an unhinged rant about me being an asshole for cheating on her, me not being great in bed, me not treating her right, etc. I let her vent everything she had to say, I looked at Stephanie and apologized for creating such a scene in her store. I tell Maryse we should go outside and talk in private. She keeps on yelling, but when I grab her hand to lead her outside, she follows.
When we get outside, her anger had started to wane a little, or maybe just her energy. I was able to talk to her to explain everything, how I had gotten drunk, had overslept (alone) and woke up at 2PM. I reminded her that we were only supposed to meet at 5PM not for lunch. The anger was leaving her and a smile almost appeared on her face. Through all of this I was being very calm and patient with her, which she interpreted as me not being mad at her. I then said in a firmer tone: "However..." and let it hang for a second.
The beginning smile vanished. I continued: "When you accused me of cheating on you, that broke me. That triggered memories of toxic exes who would always accuse me of cheating, not trusting me when I would tell them where I was, snooping on me, stalking me. Because of those experiences, I have a zero tolerance policy for jealousy. I told her that if she was behaving like after only two months of dating, it didn't bode well for the future and I have to protect myself."
At that, the tears started again and she just turned and ran/waddled away. I told her to wait, but she didn't hear me. I turned towards the entrance of the store to see basically all the employees and customers milling around the door trying to catch the drama. I went back inside to talk to my best friend. The mood had definitely changed and no one was giving me the stink eye anymore, but I didn't really care. I was just sad that it had ended, but proud of myself for having stood up for myself.
So AITA for getting drunk and keeping my phone turned off?
There is a lot more to this story and if you want to learn what happened afterwards, then read on.
The immediate aftermath
So I went back inside the store and talked to Stephanie. I told her that I had a reserrvation for XX restaurant and if she wanted to go with Stephen, she could take it, I wasn't in the mood for a dinner. She said "I already have plans for tonight, but thanks for offering." Julia said she would go with me if I wanted, but I just said that I wasn't in the mood to go out. I just wanted to crash and eat a pizza and get into a food coma.
Stephanie said she didn't feel comfortable leaving me by myself and I should join them at her house. They were having friends over to play board games and it could at least distract me a little. I said why not. So brimming with enthusiasm, I went to play bored games. I left early as I wasn't in the mood. I was feeling a little better, but still a bit down. I thanked Stephanie for the invite and left. I got home and just passed out on the bed.
I woke up at around 7AM the next morning and I saw along the corners of the window the tell-tale signs of a snow-drift and got excited as it was the first snow of the season. I pushed the curtains aside and looked on to see a beautiful white carpet outside. It was early enough that very few cars had marred the whiteness. I was admiring it when I noticed that, against the red bricks of the building across the street, there was a pink blotch. As I focused, the blotch became human shaped and I cleared my eyes enough to realize that it was Maryse and she was raising her cell phone to her ear.
On cue, my phone rings. I pick it up. Still sounding drunk, she asks me if we can speak. I ask her to give me five minutes to get dressed and I'll meet her down there. She asks why she can't come up. I say that I'm not sure I want her in my apartment. She says that it's cold out. I say: "Good, then this will be quick."
I get dressed and meet her outside. I'm still bleary-eyed from having woken up 5 minutes ago, but I try to get my wits together. I tell her that we're going to walk to the subway. It 's a 10-minute walk normally, but with her drunkenness, it might take 15-20 minutes. That's how long she has to tell me what she wants to tell me.
She wants to apologize for accusing me of cheating on her. She says she knows I'm a great guy and... I may be the A-hole at this point too, but I start to drift off in my little bubble and start daydreaming about, if I go back to bed, would there still be some residual heat or would it be cold? I could take a hot shower and warm the bed that way. I could still hear her in the background making excuses, saying how she had been cheated on, but I wasn't really listening.
During the daydreaming I notice it got quite quiet. I look on my left and she's not there, I turn around she's a good 5-6 steps behind me looking angry and she says: "you're not listening" I just say: "when you're right, you're right." I tell her that I understand she's been hurt too in the past, and I hope she can work to resolve her issues, but I was done and I'm going back to bed. I was a bit harsh there, but I was tired and still down.
I walk past her and get maybe 10 paces past her when I hear a scream coming from her. I turn around and I see her messing with something inside her coat. She pulls out a chef's knife with like an 8-inch blade. That wakes me the fuck up. Byebye bleary eyes, hello wakefulness. better than a cup of coffee or a red bull I tell you!
So she's got the knife, she's screaming something that I can't quite understand. She gets quiet and then she charges at me with the knife. If I'm being honest I could have stayed where I was and she probably would have missed me anyways, but someone charges at me with a knife, I'm gonna nope out of there. I take a massive side step and once she gets to where I was and realizes that I'm no longer there, she turns her head towards me and says heyyyyy.
At that point, I have a moment of clarity and see what's gonna happen. She's drunk running one way and looking another, I know she's gonna trip. As I predicted, she stumbled over her feet and starts falling to the ground. I start praying to god and anybody who would listen: "Please don't let her cut herself. I don't want to have to explain this to the doctors, EMTs and nurses. I don't want her drunk ass deciding to take revenge on me by saying I did it."
Thankfully, she winds up in a sitting position on the sidewalk holding the knife up and it was clean. Thank god for small miracles. She starts crying and, other moment of clarity, I know she's gonna turn the knife on herself now. I jump towards her and I realize I was right, the knife starts moving towards her left wrist. I tackle her, grab her right wrist and twist it so she drops the knife. I pick the knife back up and put it in my pocket. She looks at me crying and says: "Why did you stop me?"
I pick her up and take her back to my building. In my building there was a couch in the lobby, so I take her there and I sit her down and plop myself next to her. I look at her and wonder out loud: "What am I gonna do with you? What can I do?"
She goes: "Just let me go, I'll be good." I tell her that's not going to happen. I realize I have three options and I give her the three options.
"So here's the choice I give you.
1- I pull out my phone, call 911 and tell them about the attempted murder back there and they send the police to arrest you. I don't want to do that because that could derail your life and not get you the help you need. Besides, they might not do anything anyway as it's your word against mine.
2= I pull out my phone, call 911 and tell them about the attempted suicide back there and that you need to be placed on a 72 hour hold. I could do that, but at the same time, again it's my word against yours, so maybe they don't believe me.
3- I'm gonna hazard a guess here. From what I've seen, you have alcohol problems. So I'm gonna guess you were in AA, had been sober for a while, I want to say 6 months, maybe less, when we met."
She confirms my guess.
"alright so option 3, I'm guessing you had a sponsor in AA." she nods "we call them up and tell them about your relapse and what happened this morning. Can they come get you and take care of you?"
She takes her phone out and picks a contact and calls. She hands me the phone. Someone answers and I explain the situation. They said they were coming right away. I give them my address, they get here 15 minutes later. Maryse had fallen asleep in the meantime, so I wake her up gently and help her to the car. Off she went.
I went back to my apartment and just crashed back to sleep.
A month later
Mid-january, my phone rings and I see Maryse's number on there. I send her to voice mail. Another call. Voicemail again. 5 minutes later, Private number calling. "Gee I wonder who that could be." Voicemail once more.
Afterwards, I didn't get any unidentified callers for a little over a week. One afternoon, I was at work and my phone rings and it's a number I do not recognize. I pick up.
"Hello."
"Hi, is this Guy?"
"Yes, to whom am I speaking?"
"This is Hannah, Maryse's sponsor. we spoke last month." I started fearing the worst.
"Yes, I remember. How can I help you?"
"Maryse tried to reach you last week and you rejected the calls. I think it could help Maryse if you listened to what she had to say. You're obviously not obligated to entertain her, but I think despite everything that happened, you still care about her or you would not have called me that morning."
"You are right, I do still care about Maryse. I'm just not sure how good it would be for her to meet me this soon after everything that happened. I understand wanting to work through the 9th step and making amends, but..." She interrupts me.
"So you know about the steps."
"Yes I have friends in the program. which is how I could guess that she was in the program too that morning."
"You know it's important."
"I know. I know. How about this: we meet in public at a cafe, you would have to be there. Not necessarily at the table with us, but nearby in case she needs help, in case meeting me causes her pain. Tell her I promise to be in a more receptive mood than I was that morning."
So we make an appointment for that saturday afternoon.
I get to the coffee shop. She's already there, and so is her sponsor. I realize happily that she's not wearing makeup. I say happily because that means she understands that this is not a date, but something serious. She's still stunningly beautiful, and I feel sad almost right away.
I grab a coffee and go join her at the table.
"Hey" I say,
"Hey. So this is gonna be uncomfortable, but thank you for agreeing to meet me and for coming, I appreciate it more than you know. I'm sure you heard I quit the store."
"I have, I'm sorry about that, I hope you didn't do it just because of me."
"No, I needed time to focus on myself for now."
She proceeds to tell me about how I wasn't far off with my guess. She had been sober 4 months when we met. Now she had 39 days. She tells me that in AA, if you are single, they recommend not dating anyone new for at least the first year of your sobriety as it can cause issues, similar to what happened with us. I was like her "drug" and as long as I was available, she could get her fix. But the moment I wasn't available all hell broke loose, and that is what led her back to drinking that day.
I told her I'm glad to see her back sober again this quickly and I hope she can get all the help she needs from it. I ask her if she wants to talk to me about her drinking.
She starts to share a story about how she started drinking at around 11 years old. When puberty hit her, she got into a deep depression because the sexual feelings she was starting to feel were triggering responses. As a child she had been abused by two of her uncles repeatedly and her parents never believed her. They accused her of trying to make herself interesting. That was until they caught one of those uncles red-handed.
They finally believed and took the necessary steps to protect their daughter. But they were poor and they couldn't afford therapy. So she never really got help for it. At 11, she started self medicating the depression with alcohol. When alcohol wasn't enough, she added drugs.
At that point, I was full on crying. She asked me if I wanted her to stop. I told her that she doesn't have to stop. That the tears are there because that was one more thing we had in common. I was also a survivor of sexual assault as a child. In my case, it wasn't a family member, it was only a stranger, so it only happened once. But I also self-medicated with alcohol at the onset of puberty, switching to drugs later on too. I was lucky to avoid the pitfalls of addiction, but I was still dealing with my demons, slowly making peace with them.
So there we were, sitting at a coffee shop, both crying and holding each other. I tell her that I think it's great she's getting help for her alcoholism and addicion, but was she doing anything to help with the underlying issue, the original trauma? She said no, she couldn't afford therapy. I tell her that I am a member of a survivors group and if she is interested, I could get her into a meeting and perhaps learn to heal that part of herself too.
She said that she could give it a try. I tell her I have to talk to the other members to know if I can bring someone new and I would let her know. If they said yes, we would go to her first meeting together, I would introduce her and then we would coordinate so that I never went to meetings where she was. I wanted to do that because I wanted her first few meetings to be about healing and I didn't want our own history to be intertwined or mixed in with that.
After that, we left both feeling content and, while not necesarily happy, at peace if you will. Later on, I contacted Stephanie who was one of the "pillars" of the support group (that's how we met) to ask her if it was okay for me to bring in a new member to the group. She said sure. She asked if it was anyone she knew. I told her she would have to meet her at the meeting if she decides to come.
We were having a meeting the following day. I called Maryse, told her the time and place, and she said she would be there. She came to the group meeting and was shocked to see Stephanie there but Stephanie kinda guessed that it was Maryse I was referring to.
I introduce her, we start sharing stories, talking about how we're feeling, etc. The meeting was good and Maryse liked the vibe. So for the first six months after that, I never saw Maryse and we planned which meeting we would be attending to ensure we didn't cross paths. She started feeling much better.
After maybe 2 and a half years, she finally felt ready and she started dating again. She met someone and she fell for him. They were together for about six months, she looked happy. Unfortunately after about six months, she caught him cheating on her. We tried supporting her, being good friends, cursing his name, doing all the things we could to make sure she didn't relapse. But on April 5th 2014, she ODed on heroin. She was hospitalized for 2 weeks after that.
Hannah took her in and she set up a room for Maryse. She was still in a fragile state, so a group of her friends and I started taking turns watching over Maryse, making sure there was always at least one person there with her to keep her company.
Despite our vigilance, on May 14th 2014, when Hannah was out running a quick errand, she was gone maybe 15 minutes tops, Maryse found a way to cut her wrists and she died. We found a note saying that "the OD was not an accident, and neither was that. Thanks for everything you did for me. I love you all, but I can't do this anymore."
It feels good to write that story (I'll just ignore the fat tears rolling down my face!). Thanks for reading this far and sorry for the long story, I just started writing and couldn't stop. I apologize if it was a bit of a bummer.

I intent to visit my gf on a B2 visa for a month, I am currently unemployed and was previously employed at a big tech company that I left before I got my VISA approved on ground of business school visitation, and I intent to apply for business schools later this year, and visiting some of my preferred schools will be my secondary objective for this visit, also this is my first travel abroad. I am from a developing nation.
I'll be staying with my gf, moving from West coast to east for 2 weeks each.
Considering I have sufficient funds, 6K USD for my visit.
How do I strengthen my chances of not being send back? I know the whole gf visitation, plus, being unemployed puts me at risk of being denied entry, I intent to bring along my bookings for a return flight
1.Should I make school visitation my answer to purpose of visit, and only mention my gf when asked where I'd stay?
2.will having some English proficiency exam scheduled on return in my home country help to prove my intent of return if asked?
3.would having some small loan on electrical appliances help to show strong ties or does that put things against me. ( I only have phone/cooking gas bills to show)

1. I also would have confirmations for school visits on varied dates through this 1 month period.
   
2. Any other suggestions to strengthen my case.
   

All in all, slightly paranoid of being rejected, we have waited over 3 years through COVID caused visa restrictions, so would like to make this visit happen.

Last I checked the VAST majority of us exist because of consensual sex, not r*ape.

If women, having been in control of their own bodies for quite a few generations now, wanted to breed the patriarchy out of existence, they would be breeding with all the men they friend-zoned, who would have helped women become in charge and would have eradicated male leadership decades ago. These men worshipped the ground women walked on and were willing to be subserviant to them. They would have accepted a matriarchy.
Instead, women reject simps and crave the seed of Chad-Alpha-C*ock. This, in turn, assures that the next generation of men will be as aggressive as the last. This is how it has always been. This is how it will always be. MEN do not have control over this. Women are the ones that continue to breed the patriarchy into existence by sexually rejecting the men that would allow THEM to eventually become the leaders.
And feminists who choose not to breed aren't helping either. Their evolutionary line ends, and more "patriarchal" bloodlines simply continue.
Unwanted pregnancy IS a thing, but it's almost negligible now that abortion exists. It's safe to say the nature of male genes for the last few decades is a product of the choices women have made. I am a product of the genes my mother chose for me.

I am not the OOP. The OOP is u/Used-Register3714 posting in AITA_WIBTA_PUBLIC
Ongoing as per OOP
2 updates - Long
Original - 2nd March 2024
Update1 - 14th April 2024
Update2 - 11th May 2024
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WIBTA if I turned down a promotion due to my original transfer being blocked?
​
WIBTA? Little back story, I started working for a company in early 2022 as what they labeled as Admin, but don't let that fool you we were no admins, we worked 3 different departments that they combined into one with 3 people to cover everything, plus we were constantly fixing Customer Service mistakes.
Nov 2022 I met with the director of the Benefits Dept at work because I was interested in transferring and we went over the department, what the job entails and what I could start working on to better my chances at transferring. I checked in with the director many times as I finished different tasks such as completing the training courses, shadowing members of the team, and taking part in live trainings.
Early 2023 the director got a promotion to be the director of another department. In March a spot opened up in Benefits and it was a little outside what I knew, it was more a specialized position, but I still applied. I met with a few managers and the new director for interviews. We discussed many things and it was a positive experience, they were even happy with the steps that I had taken with the previous director. However, because it was such a specialized position they didn't want to throw me into the deep end, so they told me to apply for a different position when it opened up.
In May the other position opened up and I applied and basically skipped the interviews. The director and I meet and we discussed getting me transferred and doing it in a hybrid type manner. That worked for me and it worked for my current manager at the time too. Sadly, it feel through and I could never seem to get an answer as to why. It started out as budget reasons, totally understandable, but then it switched to not having troubleshooting knowledge that I would have if I had worked in Customer Service.
I had meeting with my (admin) manager and director, she covers both admin and customer service, I asked more clarifying questions as to why the transfer fell through but no one could give me a straight answer. We developed a plan to get me transferred to Benefits that caused me to route through Customer Service. I was transferred into Customer Service in November 2023.
Our CS team is split into basically 2 levels, 1 being online requests which is where everyone starts. You work a variety of requests and can gain a lot of knowledge. This is currently where I am. The second level is working the phones and helping the people that call in. This is more limited subject matter and can also carry a lot of "downtime" as they cannot work the online requests like the first level can because they will be on and off the phone all day.
Here is where I am wondering if I WIBTA. I have figured out, though not confirmed, that my directors boss is the one that blocked my transfer back in May and she is just a bitch/micromanager in general. Now someone from out phone team is leaving and it has been hinted that I might be the next one to move up. While it would come with a pay increase, not a lot or enough for the crap that we go through, I don't want it because I see it as more detrimental to me possibly transferring to my preferred department.
WIBTA if I said no because it would do more harm than good. Then turning around and asking how much longer I needed to be in the Customer Service department before I could apply to another position in the Benefits Dept?
Maybe helpful to also know that my customer service manager is not the best, she seems to bow down the the micromanager and she can't seem to manage a team of 10ish people, nor was she able to do half her job for moths and my admin manager was the one doing her work.
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Comments
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Magdovus
They're screwing you around. If you're good at your current role they don't want to move you. You could tell them that they transfer you or you leave, but they probably don't care about you much. Alternatively, just coast along, do what you must to keep management off your back and find a new job.

OOP: I've been thinking about coasting and just working my job description. Our phone team is technically down one person, and we have to help cover the missing persons time on phones. It's split, between most of us that work the first level. I might come out of that meeting with no phone time because it's not part of my job and you are probably right they don't want to move me because of that.

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RndmIntrntStranger
NTA you do not have to stay at a job where you feel like you’re not growing/moving up. do not let any employer trick you into thinking that you owe it to them to stay there if it no longer works out for you. time to update your resume and start job hunting to see what’s out there.

OOP: Already started. I even interviewed for the same company that my coworker is joining. It will be interesting if we end up working together again.

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Update - 6 weeks later
​
So I was an idiot and decided to take the promotion. Not my finest moment.
However, things have taken a turn for the interesting.
A week after I took the promotion another team that I have been interested in but never thought I could work in tapped me to transfer to their team. I ended up reaching out to our HR team to gather some guidance and spoke with our recruiter that works internally and externally.
He gave me some good pointers and helped me navigate how to best approach the conversation. The conversation then turned to my manager and I let him know all the issues I've been having with her, including not approving PTO till timecards are being turned in amongst other issues. Turns out I am not the first person to bring these concerns forward and HR is actively looking into the situation.
I ended up having a conversation with my manager the following week and from the start of the conversation I knew it wouldn't have the outcome I was hoping for based off of her body language. And I was right, even with laying everything out I was denied my managers blessing because I just moved tiers.
But the fun part of all of this is that she tried to pull the 6-month rule as to why I couldn't apply. The 6-month rule is part of our handbook. "You have to be in your position for 6-months before you can transfer internally for non-exempt employees." I asked my manager to get us clarification since we both had different understanding of the rule.
I know position could be tier, however I asked our HR team and the said position is department based. A better wording would be in my department for 6-months.
The following week she director was out so can't do anything that week so the following week I asked for a follow up. Guess who forgot to follow up with me. Not the first time she has done this. She is now saying it is tier based and I have to be in my position for a YEAR.
I reached back out to HR and we are now looping in the head of HR to talk about this.
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Comments
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rendar1853
Why did you take the promotion when you knew this person was playing games with your career?

OOP: Believe me I am pissed at myself for taking it. I have been a people pleaser for so long and it's something I've been improving on and I was caught in a weak moment. I did have some hope that the agreement that was in place before this person became my manager would be honored but I was naive to think so.
I can always back out of the new position if need be, which I have been think about.

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Magdovus
Ask HR if you can apply for jobs in the other department as an external candidate instead of an internal one. When they ask why tell them that quitting and reapplying seems to be the only way to avoid your current department managers trying to ruin your career.

OOP: This is a thought that I have. Going to wait and see what happens with my next meeting with HR. They seem supportive of my transfer so they may be able to pull some strings to make it happen, but this is on my radar.

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Update - 1 month later
​
So it has been a month of back and forth, and we still don’t technically have a resolution but I thought I might give a quick update.
After our director was back I reached out to my manager to ask if they had received clarification and they said: “if you move tiers your clock restarts and I have to be in my department for a year”. That still didn’t sit right with me, I had previously contacted HR as a minor inquiry if the clock was tier or department and they had said department.
I reached back out to the head of our HR team and set up a meeting so that we could discuss this. In that meeting, HR agreed with me and said that they would speak with the director to get clarification on what was going on and she would get back to me by the end of the week. She did and told me straight up that I met the tenure requirements to be able to apply for a transfer. Now I was supposed to get an update but it was postponed due to people being out of the office and things like that. But I finally got the update last week. They are saying no for two reasons now, I don’t meet the requirements of the job, such as a degree, and performance. But my performance has never been addressed. When I have made mistakes, I informed and the mistakes never happened again.
As for the degree thing, that can be worked around, and that is something that the manager or that team is working on for me.
But now they are saying that it is a big concern of theirs. My question at this point is if it was such a big concern why was that not brought up from the beginning? Why were we only discussing my tenure as the reason that I couldn’t apply?
Honestly, I almost quit in that meeting right there. The only reason that I am even thinking of staying is that the team that I would be transferring to is amazing and I already know how they operate and I already work closely with them.
I should be having another meeting next week with the manager and director and I am going to likely loop in HR as well.
I have decided that if I am blocked from applying I will be leaving and I will be citing that as well as many other reasons as to why I am leaving. The least of which is the fact that I now know that the director has gone and bad-mouthed an employee to another manager that someone was hoping to transfer over to.
Edit to add: I just spoke with a coworker who left a few weeks ago. They pulled the same things with him. He wanted to go to another department but they had a meeting with him saying that they saw him on a different path, one that kept him in the department. He said they did that to our other coworker who left just before him too.
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Comments
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No-Dig7828
Update resume and GTFO now.
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I am not the OOP. Please do not harass the OOP. Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments

I had been enjoying my Core X for about 1.5 years now, and yesterday I went to boot it up and it wouldn't turn on. Completely dead, no fans in anything PSU included. So my first thought was a faulty PSU. I checked it by unplugging the PSU from everything, then shorting the PS_ON to ground and probed every single pin and it's fine, every voltage as expected.
The issue is on the eGPU board itself, when I plug in the 24 PSU header and power it on, the PS_ON voltage is at 2.1V and no other voltage rails/pins are active except for the Power Good signal which is at 5V.
Has anybody had this issue? I have some technical experience so I'm hoping to repair it as this was not a cheap eGPU enclosure and Razer's customer support would be called a joke if it existed at all.

TLDR: Trying to figure out which scan tool from Autel or others can show cam desired versus actual on 3.6 Pentastar.
Following up on some major seevice work at 171k miles on 2014 Wrangler 3.6 / auto and need some advice please:
Changed plugs, coils, injectors, oil cooler (dorman aluminum version) timing set (Melling) and cam phasers with new control valves (Standard Motor Products).
I don’t do this for a living but am definitely on the serious side of amateur / hobbiest. I’ve probably rebuilt to spec several dozen engines ranging from 1970’s Jaguars through FJ40’s lots of GM products in 4,6,8 cylinders, light truck and commercial diesels and powerstroke Diesels. I’ve never had a failure to start, run, or last. I have and followed factory service manual for the JK Jeep. I should have been able to do this!
Startup was rough but after a few attempts at cranking she bled the injectors and fired right up. Idles smoothly. Oil pressure 91-95 PSI cold and 25-30 hot at idle. Battery and alternator voltage good (don’t recall exact value). Within a 1/4 mile I was in limp mode with traction control and check wngine lights on. All of the codes are P000a-d. “Camshaft Slow Response”. Engine runs smooth through 5000+ rpm, but shifts are limited to 4th gear. So I drive to work 18 miles each way. Next day the lights go off and everything is golden. After 3-4 restarts, limp mode is back and wont go away!
Factory service manual says oil change, then replace pcm. Nope, not at those $$. I want to know what is wrong! So I do a bit of parts cannon…. New cam position sensors, although the fault seems to be on all 4 randomly. JSCAN only says “at least one fault has been counted in this position recently”. New crank position sensor. New cam VVT Solenoids. No Changes.
Then I start tracing grounds from the solenoids and get some intermittent high resistance. Ive had weird groundingg problems before, and I realized that my battery cable terminal negative side isnt clamping well. I can lift it off the post. The harness is generally crunchy and shitty from 10 years in desert heat, so I decided to re-do them.
Pulled the entire wiring harness off the engine and yanked the battery cables out. Replaced them with 2awg and bolt-down terminals. Continuity checked every ground terminal pin to pin. No fails. Same on the power side.
Fun side note, the 2014 Factory Wiring diagram has a major typo in showing incorrect ground terminal locations!
So, put that all back, pulled valve covers again, checked timing marks against youtube. It all seems right. I did not pull the timing cover again. I did clean the bits of metal powder off the camshaft tone rings with paper towel and brake clean. Restart engine. Starts instantly. Cam rattle for about 1 second, perfectly smooth idle. Same codes within 45 seconds.
So, i need a scan tool. Factory service manual says to check desired versus actual cam and crank positions. My old scan tool was PC based AutoEnginuity, but I hate the PC aspect and the subscription lapsed about 8 years ago. So im looking at Autel, but overwhelmed by all the options with very little info.
Can anyone tell me what level of Autel can show that live position versus desired position? Should I look elsewhere?
Mechanically, can you tell me if it is possible to overtorque an oil control valve? I keep wondering if the cam phasers could be dragging because they might be too tight? But if you grab the cam with a wrench, it moves easily and moves the phaser, so the lock pins are seated.
Cost isn’t a huge concern, especially if I can find a tool with longevity, but I cant use it for work, so it wont pay back / trying to avoid the Snap-off-in-you van. I can go a long way into trying to squeeze another 150k miles out of this rig before I lay down for a new Jeep at $75k plus!
Thank you for any and all advice and ideas. Brainstorming will help and I’m grateful for it.

I have a weird situation. I have two cell phones. One was issued to me from work. I work for a larger company that mostly deals with government contracts. My job requires certain government qualifications attained through background checks. My work phone is DEFINITELY not a listed number and it DEFINITELY does not have ties to my name.At all. If I call someone on it it always says Blocked ID.
I received a text, on my work phone, from what appears to be a wholesaler, asking if I am interested in selling a house that my late father owned about 15 years ago. My bio dad had a different last name. He was not on my birth certificate.
They knew my name and the address of his old house. I lived there for like 2 years as a toddler.
I have no clue how they found any of this info or how they got my work number. I turned my phone over at work today. My employers are taking this very seriously.
They already issued a new phone and have turned my old phone over to law enforcement, as is policy for this type of info/data breach.
How is this possible? Is this a scam? How did they tie my name to my work phone? How did they tie my name to my dads property? Im assuming they hacked my phone and laptops. I have ID protection and my credit is locked and monitored. Im just so freaking curious.
Any info or advice would be appreciated.

/LonghornNation Daily Off Topic Free Talk Thread

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So the last few years have been rough.
*note* if you're a "cheaters will always be cheaters type" tldr is don't bother reading or commenting
BACKSTORY 2019-2023 child nearly annual broken bones, lots of stress and specialist visits.
2018-2024 my wife got her associates as a medical assistant and is almost done with her bachelor's and final quarter internship while working full time and that has been hard for me. The lack of time for me and my son has really made an impact.
2019 I was injured at work and 2020 had my first surgery to try and preserve an ankle joint. That surgery ended up failing and while recovering I ended up mangling 2 fingertips in a wood jointer. 2020 I had to make the transition to a sahd on workers comp and have been since then. My lifestyle of hiking and fishing was upended because I could barely be on my feet 3 hours a day and uneven ground killed me not to mention the whole covid thing was pretty isolating.
All of 2021 was supporting her being a surrogate for a couple in City X (their egg/sperm). So, lots of trips checks and giving her injections. It was kind of proving myself to her because I was terrified when our son was born in 2017 and didn't help as much as I should have. Especially the first 3 months. Really, I didn't find out until later. We had conversations and fights at the time and id step up to do more and she would agree and tell me it was all okay. Then another fight saying I wasn't doing enough/anything and asking more and me being upset and confused. I guess at the time she was afraid to ask more, or tell me what she wanted, or her feelings, and the postpartum depression and initial feelings of abandonment didn't help.
Anyways the surrogacy went okay. I was there and supportive. Rubbing her feet and back. taking on extra load when she was tired etc. And hey I didn't pass out at delivery this time XD The end was a bit hard with 2 inductions needed and a massive 9.5lb baby and a stuck shoulder.
Then a few weeks after birth in November 2021 the nightmare began.
Out of nowhere she started hemorrhaging. She had to have an emergency D&C to stop the bleeding and scans showed a mass. Turned out the surrogate baby's placenta had some cells turn cancerous and attach to her uterus (Choriocarcinoma). 3 months later and the first 3 agent chemo failed, and her numbers were skyrocketing because it turned treatment resistant. They had to hit it with 5 types of chemo (EMACO) leaving future fertility a coin toss but more than a hysterectomy. By May 2022 the tumor marker was gone, but it was 6 months of intense monitoring and 6 months of monthly monitoring. The whole time she was in an intense spiraling depression questioning life. The meaning of all it, and how all her childhood trauma was fair. That no god would let a child live that. And questioning every decision in her life and wondering what things could have been like if she went a different direction. Feeling like she missed out on opportunities early in life. If this might be all there is (we have been together since she was 17). She said she felt like reality wasn't real and this was make believe at times.
Summer 2022 she made a new mom friend. She was pretty toxic and selfish. She used my wife for personal benefit and to go places. Yelled at her kids and treated the oldest from a prior marriage as less than (girl doesn't know her dad and when she mentioned she was part Mexican she freaked out and denied it because of how conservative and anti Mexican her new dad and his family is). Like never offered a dime, but expected food, gas, tickets, and gifts. She drove my wife nuts with that behavior. but she was desperate for a friend and loved her kids. Her friend would just talk shit about her partner pretty constantly and say my wife should be unhappy in her relationship too. Shit talking husbands behind their backs became like a mutual thing and I def hated it
Sometime 2023 she jumped into fantasy romance and fantasy smut /erotica. This progressed to an AI chat smut generator.
May 2023 monitoring was over and she was officially cancer free and had been on a health/mental health quest..
The mental health part started early in the year and she was seeing a therapist for depression and anxiety alone as well as her long list of childhood trauma. Off hand her therapist told her a few times she didn't know maybe just divorce me or something. I was super uncomfortable with this as it was completely outside her practicing scope and I didn't feel she should be providing relationship guidance, especially without me or the rest of the story. I felt a bit attacked and didn't even get the chance to give my perspective or account and felt that is pretty important after being here for a decade. A lot of negative points get omitted by her.
Summer 2023 she had some tough diagnosis for other chronic issues. Narcolepsy Dissociative Identity disorder Depression And a sleep disorder
I initially rejected this as I didn't want to accept these chronic and incurable conditions and insisted it has to be something else, that she's okay. It was taken as rejection of her.
Fall 2023 she reached out to a childhood ex bf a few states away and started an emotional affair. They kept in infrequent contact over the years and nothing ever came of it before. He has been unable to move past her or have meaningful relationships in 13 years. At first he pushed her away and rejected it, but after a month by Nov it was a thing. Texting saying I shouldn't worried because they dated before, but he ended up coming out as gay, calls in private, staying later after work. I gave it the benefit of the doubt but got burned. I found out in December the second time she wanted a private call in the car, and I checked her phone.
We started marriage counseling in Jan and I started my own therapy search as well as a condition of hers. She agreed to no longer contact the boy showed me the sent message ending it and blocked him. By Feb I found him listed in her phone as Saraa and found deleted texts and calls. In therapy she wanted to keep him as a friend and only friend and I tried this. She asked if a PO box would be okay for a birthday present, and I said no. That it crossed a line. It was also super close to Valentine's day. Next therapy I couldn't handle the anxiety and feeling physically ill when she used her phone, and we went through Jan again break off block etc.
In Feb the therapist recommended a separate space for conflict as we work on things. That too much conflict triggered her dissociative identity disorder. It was either a hotel as needed or a rv/camper. My wife was set on a camper and the only way to get a newer one was to add my credit/income to hers for a loan and I was uncomfortable on a $20k purchase. She assured me the intent of the camper was working on us and not separating/divorcing. She brought up me not having chores completely done all the time and I poured myself into it if that was making her unhappy over the years.
During this time in March I found out she got the secret PO box and had yet again resumed texting entirely deleting her logs. She had valentines gifts. birthday gifts, long distance electronic bracelets, and had an easter basket coming. Everything was put together into a box to be gotten rid of. That effort I had for chores and making everything spotless kind of died. Like there was that recognition that that obviously wasn't the problem. We lived completely separately for a few weeks until she could make a choice. We split our son and had almost zero interaction. Eventually she chose and I saw a notebook she used once in December. Basically she has started outlining a story envisioning herself as the lead character in once of her romantic fantasies and cast me and the other man as competing love interests
April and early may there was nothing. We did therapy and tackled our issues slowly. Together. Our future plans: college vs baby and the ticking clock of fertility and ifs after chemo. Etc
Last week she was going out for lilac picking and didn't text me for 2 hours and said she was at the beach. Later she showed me something in her email and I saw discord emails about a pw change and login. One bad gut feeling later and the next morning I see she deleted the discord emails and check our phone plan and her phone and see missing texts. I put in a phone record request for recent texts and text/call logs. She woke up and I said it did it and she said I was disgusting. Then admitted I was right.
She says after breaking it off she was worried he would hurt himself and just wanted to be sure he was okay and admitted to 3 texts and the discord call which i verified. Said that he was in therapy for his issues. She said she didn't want to bring it up to me because I would make it a fight and she thought she could just get away with a few texts to make sure. That she felt responsible for how much he had been hurt too.
So I did what I do with extreme anxiety and checked her work bag. I found an old journal they shared Jan to mid-march. Kind of confirmed again what was going on. Also revealed she lied to me about the trailer, or him? She couldn't get it without me and told him it was to work on separating from me easier. Yeah I kept pics in case this goes downhill because yeah, I'll gun for EVERYTHING. I'm sure that being tricked into signing a $20k contract under false pretenses for her personal benefit, secret po boxes, lying to our therapist repeatedly, secret texts, expecting gifts from the other man, career over spending time with family and a serious personality disorder on top of narcolepsy making a job hard to keep down wont do her favors at divorce/custody hearings.
So its all fresh for me again. I already have extreme anxiety and the autism doesn't help with reading/understanding people the best, although my gut intuition and pattern recognition are catching stuff fine.
WHERE I THINK I AM
Looking back, I can see that the personality disorder and narcolepsy are apparent. Dream delusion and memory issues from the narcolepsy make separating dream from reality hard as well as just recalling what happened. So whether not the "not feeling like reality is real" was a dream delusion or a full-blown dissociative episode... I can also see that messaging him was a "new" personality state. Maybe it's a manifestation of the trauma of nearly dying from cancer, maybe it's a fragment of her young identity that was created to survive her traumatic childhood resurfacing after nearly dying. But her interests and perspective massively shifted at that time and there was a clear separation between her with me and her with him. It was like this regression back to 15. Like she was molding an identity to fit his desires and interests. She took up tarot and witchy books, different music, painting, rockhounding (my interest), dried bouquets, dyed her hair and got multiple piercings. Even getting caught there was that click in her whole demeanor.
I can see how her friend may have jaded her towards me by all the shit she talked about HER husband. I can see that throwing herself into fantasy smut to cope flooded her with portrayals of unrealistic romance. That she progressed that by using an AI smut bot to hold those conversations with. Then she directly tried to process her own reality through the lens of those novels in that journal.
This "relationship" was "I love you, we can be together in 10 years". He wasn't going to leave his cushy job. Or his state. He didn't want to be a stepdad. He didn't want to support her career or have any involvement in it. She couldn't leave my state. Never saw illicit photos. No discussion of sex. It was like exactly what you think some lovestruck preteens would come up with. Like just a fantasy. No talk of bills or finances. Of moving. Of any substantial tangible entanglement.
Somehow that's easier to handle
I love her and don't want to leave her. But i desperately think she needs serious help and have told her I want her to do therapy 2x a month (on top of marriage therapy 2x).
I also think if a secret or deleted text happens again, I've got to take off the kid gloves and fight for it all. Cause well showing up at the dude's door would end in prison.
I'm sure this happening right as I fully got over last time and took a trust leap of faith on a "gay" friend that burned me will make it harder. I get the last few years have been garbage luck and I get almost dying can have profound affects though. She had been utterly loyal for 5 years (believe me I checked as we agreed to ie open book). Tying to see this with an open mind.
I get my exact expectations are muddy and part of this is just putting it into words to process for me, but I value if someone has any good input

“Ready to make history, baby?”
I looked over toward Sheila as she stood on the gangplank leading up to The Burger. I still couldn’t believe she named our research ship ‘The Burger’... emotional relevance be damned.
“It's not exactly history,” I corrected.
“Oh come on! If your survey is right, this trench might run even deeper than the Challenger Deep, and you’re gonna be the first person to explore it! How is that not exciting?”
“Might be deeper, we only have a limited amount of topological data. And even if it is deeper, we’re talking only a few hundred feet at most, it’s really not that im-”
Sheila silenced me with a kiss.
“Nerd.” She teased, and I found myself too flustered to reply. After five years of marriage, she still could leave me speechless with just a kiss. God… how did someone like me end up with a woman like that?
Then again, how did someone like me end up where I was in general? It was honestly a little overwhelming. Standing on the dock, getting ready to board that ship and join the ranks of Jacques Piccard and James Cameron (yes, that James Cameron) as one of the few people to take a manned submersible down to the deepest parts of the ocean. And I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t a little scared too. Diving down that deep could easily be a one way trip if even the slightest thing went wrong. My submarine would be experiencing between 600 to 1100 atmospheres of pressure and while we’d tested it over and over again to make sure it would actually be up for the challenge, there was still a lingering iota of doubt in the back of my mind. All that needed to go wrong was one little thing, and that would be it for me.
The scariest part is that I probably wouldn’t even know what had happened… I’d simply be gone… and Sheila would be alone. The thought of that caused a momentary spike of panic in my chest that almost made me want to call this whole thing off.
Almost.
But, then I felt her hand close around mine. I looked up into her bright blue eyes, and saw her gentle smile.
“You’re gonna be okay, hun,” She promised. “You and your team have been running the numbers, right? It’s gonna go just fine!”
I nodded slowly.
“It’s gonna go fine…” I repeated, before she leaned in to kiss me, and gently pulled me by the wrist up onto the deck of the Burger.
She was probably right.
It probably would be fine.
Probably…
The trench I’d be exploring was a fairly recent discovery, located south of Greenland, in a vast stretch of water situated directly between Newfoundland and Iceland. It’d been uncovered during a topological survey in the area, and my team had taken an interest in investigating it further. At minimum, it was believed to descend to about 35,000 feet deep (over 10,000 meters), although the current theory was that it might have run even deeper. Determining the exact depth of the yet unnamed chasm was just one of the intents of our dive. The rest was studying the organisms that might be found down there, and how they might have differed from the ones found in other deep ocean trenches (some variation being expected given the isolated environment they were developing in.)
I had to admit, it would be exciting to see what new life might have developed in a place such as this, especially if it ran even deeper than our predictions… and that excitement was enough to make me chase the fear of the risks out of my mind, even if it was only briefly. While Sheila went to make sure we were ready to embark, I caught myself wandering out toward the rear of the ship where my submarine, The Tempura, waited for me. Did this submarine deserve a better name than The Tempura? Probably. But, this was my project, so I got to name it and since Burger was already taken, Tempura was the next best name I had. I liked to think that the subs namesake might approve… if she hadn’t died fifteen years ago. Shrimp don’t live very long.
As the ship began to depart, I caught myself reminiscing on how I’d ended up here… it really was all because of those damn shrimp, wasn’t it? Well… maybe not all because of the shrimp. But they were certainly part of it. Back when I was a lot younger, I never really gave much of a shit about anything at all. I guess I did have a thing for the ocean… the great, romantic vastness of it. The sense of adventure that it beckoned with. The endless mysteries that lay within its dark depths. I used to read about it all the time when I was a kid and I especially loved the classic adventures: Verne’s 20,000 Leagues Under The Sea, and Melville’s Moby Dick… but that love was just confined to my books. I didn’t really have any interest in actually going out and seeing the ocean. Hell, the idea of going to a beach and standing in the sun with my toes in the sand seemed miserable to me. I was happier (although calling myself happy might’ve been a little disingenuous) alone in my room, enjoying the company of books as opposed to people.
Then came the shrimp.
One of my online friends kept them as a hobby. He used to post pictures of his tanks all the time, and I always thought they looked kinda cool. He said that if I was interested in them, I should try keeping some for myself, and during a particularly bad bout of depression, I figured that maybe it might be worth a shot. So, I bought a cheap tank and some cheap decorations, bought myself some shrimp… and promptly watched them die over the next few weeks. That… that bothered me. I don’t know why but… it really bothered me. I’m still not entirely sure how to describe what it was that I was feeling. Guilt? Defeat? Shame? Here I was, trying to set up a habitat for these creatures just to have something to do to keep the suicidal ideation at bay, and I’d failed almost right out of the gate.
Was I just that bad? Was I just that much of a failure? Was this just going to go to shit just like everything else in my life did, because I was just such an abysmal piece of shit who barely deserved the life she had? Had I just not tried hard enough? Was I too apathetic? What had happened? What went wrong?
It bothered me.
It bothered me enough that I made up my mind to just dump the remaining shrimp down the toilet and toss everything. Forget about it. Move on. End of story. But… that wasn’t fair, was it? The shrimp didn’t all deserve to die just because I couldn’t be bothered, did they? Sure, they were just shrimp, but they were alive too, just like me. They deserved to be alive.
I owed it to them to try and keep them alive, didn’t I?
So… I didn’t dump the shrimp.
Instead, I started doing some reading. Started looking into what I was doing wrong and how to do it all better. I actually got really into it and a few months later, I had a nice planted tank. Looking back, it was amateur shit… but it made me happy. I’d even picked out names for my two favorite shrimp. Burger and Tempura. They’d been the last survivors of my original batch, and they were the ones I ended up caring about the most. Caring for Burger and Tempura gave me a purpose. It became an obsession… and that little obsession drove me to finally start turning my life around.
Like I said, shrimp don’t live for very long. Burger and Tempura were long dead by the time I graduated with a degree in Marine Biology. But they were the ones who inspired me to finally get my life in order. Hell, the shrimp were half the reason that I met Sheila. She was something of an aquarium fanatic too… we’d met on a forum, and gotten to talking. I found out that she just so happened to be studying Marine Biology at another school, and we bonded pretty quickly after that. After graduation, I moved to California to be with her and after that, the rest is history. She was my rock. She was the one who always pushed me to be the best possible version of myself… and I loved her more than I ever knew I could love someone.
A glance back at the shore, fading into the distance tore me out of my reminiscing, and I shifted my focus to the present, going over The Tempura to perform some quick checks. My colleagues and I would be checking and rechecking the submarine over the next two days as we made our way toward the dive spot. Considering the danger that descending that deep posed, I didn’t want to take a single unnecessary risk.
I had too much to live for, after all.
***
The day of the dive, I couldn’t notice how excited the rest of the crew seemed… well… Sheila’s usual crew seemed excited. I guess to them, this was just another research expedition, no different than the ones Sheila usually took this ship out on. Lately her research had been focused on the analysis and study of whale calls. Her recent voyages had involved following their pods, recording their calls and playing them back to see how the whales reacted. It was fascinating stuff, but my research was admittedly a lot different than that.
My obsession had drawn me to the denizens of the deep sea. I’d used The Burger for expeditions before, although none of them had been on quite the same scale as this one. Up until today, the most ambitious thing I’d done was send down unmanned submersibles with cameras. Those submersibles had typically returned. We had lost a few early on due to technical glitches, but the past few years had been blissfully uneventful. Logically, this dive would probably be uneventful as well. But it was still hard to get the jitters out of my head.
My team and I did the final checks necessary to make sure that The Tempura was good to go, before setting up the crane to begin lifting it up. In less than an hour, I’d be inside of that thing, descending to the darkest depths of the ocean.
It didn’t feel real.
I felt Sheila’s hand on my shoulder, and looked over at her.
“Moment of truth, huh?” She asked. She probably meant it to sound encouraging, but it just sounded ominous.
“Moment of truth…” I replied.
“You’re gonna be okay, honey. I know you will.”
She reached out to gently squeeze my hand and gave me a reassuring smile that I meekly returned.
“Yeah, it’s gonna be okay,” I agreed, although there was an element of a lie in it. Statistically, yes. It probably WOULD be okay. But there was that lingering anxiety in the back of my mind that just wouldn’t go away. I looked quietly out at the submarine before me and couldn’t shake the thought that it sort of looked like a giant coffin. Unconsciously, I found myself squeezing Sheila’s hand tighter than normal. She just held me close and pressed a kiss to the top of my head, before gently rubbing my back.
“You’ll be okay,” She promised.
“Dr. Jenner, we’re ready for you.” I heard one of my colleagues say.
Moment of truth.
I took one last look at Sheila, and gave her a quick kiss on the lips for luck. She smiled at me, and I smiled back anxiously at her before heading over toward the submarine.
The crew helped me enter the cockpit and get myself situated inside. The cockpit of the Tempura was fairly cramped and not particularly comfortable. Space and comfort aren’t really luxuries you can afford in a submarine like this. The instruments I needed took up a lot of space, leaving little room for me in there… and I am not a very big person.
Once I was inside, they sealed the hatch. Then the diagnostics checks began.
“Grayson, can you hear us in there?” I heard Sheila say through the radio.
“Loud and clear,” I replied.
“Great. We’ll keep in constant radio contact, just to monitor the signal. In the meanwhile, how’s everything looking in there?”
“Green across the board so far,” I said, although I hadn’t finished running all my final checks yet. Ultimately, nothing was out of place.
This submarine was as good to go as it was going to get.
“I’m all good in here,” I said once I was done. “You can drop me when you’re ready.”
“You got it, honey. Let’s get you in the water, run one final round of tests and start lowering you down.”
A short while later, I felt the submarine begin to move as the crane lifted it off the deck and lowered it into the water. The Tempura honestly resembled its namesake in a way, being long and cigar shaped, only vertically oriented instead of horizontally oriented. We’d admittedly taken more than a few design cues from James Cameron’s Deepsea Challenger. Why fix what isn’t broken, after all?
Once I was in the water, a 1000 pound releasable ballast weight would cause the submarine to sink. Releasing that weight was also my ticket back to the surface, and I could either trigger it from inside the cockpit, or, in the event that the release failed for any reason, it would trigger automatically after roughly 12 hours of exposure to salt water.
Ideally, this would be the first of a number of dives I’d be undertaking… and if all went according to plan, the Tempura could be the first of many similar submarines that would allow other researchers to safely and effectively descend to extreme depths. If all went well, this could be a massive leap forward for researchers like me, allowing us to better explore the deepest depths of the Hadal Zone and learn all we could about the ecosystems down there via direct observation.
If all went well.
If.
Through the viewport, I watched as I was lowered into the ocean. A few of the other crew members had donned diving gear to escort me down, and after they did their final checks and I did mine, we were fully ready to go.
“All’s green across the board,” I said into the radio. “You can start my descent.”
“I hear you, honey,” Sheila replied. “We’re letting you go. Have fun down there.”
“Yeah, I’ll try…” I said quietly as finally, my submarine began its descent.
I took a deep breath, and told myself again that everything would go fine. We had checked everything on this submarine. We’d tested it rigorously. I wouldn’t have allowed myself to set foot inside of it if I hadn’t personally assured that it was safe. But anxiety never really goes away, does it? The crew couldn’t accompany me far. After only a few meters, they fell behind me as I sank deeper and deeper into the infinite, empty blue of the ocean. Soon after, the tether was released.
I was officially on my own.
“60 feet,” I heard Sheila say over the radio. “How are you doing in there?”
“Good,” I replied. “Doing… doing good.”
The submarine continued to descend. Through the viewport, I could see a few stray fish, but nothing particularly eye catching. I almost felt alone down there… almost…
“120 feet…” Sheila said.
“Still doing good,” I replied.
The descent continued, as the waters slowly grew darker and darker.
“400 feet…”
Everything around me just kept getting darker and darker. Only a fraction of the light from the sun ever reached these depths… and I’d be lying if I said that darkness didn’t feel a little… oppressive.
“800 feet… still feeling good?”
“Yeah, still feeling good…” I said, although it was a bit of a lie. If anything, I was second guessing all of this, but I wasn’t about to say that out loud.
“1000 feet… still good?”
“Still good…” I murmured. “I hear you loud and clear.”
Deeper… deeper… deeper.
“1500 feet…”
Three miles. I was three miles away from home. Three miles away from Sheila.
“2000 feet…”
Still a ways to go.
“3000 feet…”
By this point, it was fully dark outside of my cockpit. Outside, all I could see was inky darkness. Even the submarine’s lights didn’t really cut through it. And the kicker? Relatively speaking, I wasn’t that deep. Fishing trawlers reached deeper than this. Better to conserve power until I was at the bottom. My descent continued.
“6000 feet… still good?”
“Still good…”
The check ins were becoming less frequent. My descent still continued… deeper… deeper… deeper. By now, I’d entered the Hadal Zone. But there was still so much deeper o go.
“8000 feet…”
This was past the depths that most whales would dive to… and I still had a ways to go.
“10,000 feet.”
This was close to where the ocean floor usually bottomed out… and yet there was still so much further to go. No. I was really only a third of the way there. How long had it been?Not much had happened beyond my descent and a few sightings out of my viewport, but time had been passing. A glance at my watch confirmed it’d been almost an hour since I’d started to sink… and I knew I wasn’t even close to the bottom yet. The submarine continued to descend, sinking ever deeper as I dropped into an infinite darkness that few had ever dared to witness.
“15,000 feet.”
This check in came later than the others. At this point, Sheila and the crew must have figured that no news was good news, and they were right. I just continued to sink peacefully, down into the crushing depths of the ocean.
These were the depths that one might normally find deep sea fish… and yet I was going somewhere even deeper than that.
“20,000 feet…”
So close…
I continued to sink.
“25,000 feet.”
Soon… and finally…
“30,000 feet. You still doing alright, honey?”
“Yeah… yeah, I’m doing good,” I assured her. I was so close…
By this point, my real work had begun. I’d engaged the lights and begun documenting what little I could see using the on board cameras. Granted, there wasn’t much life at these depths and what little there was, was scarcely documented. Most of what was down here consisted of invertebrates and microscopic life that seemed to float past my viewport.
The light seemed to draw a few creatures in search of food. Small, hardy things that resembled shrimp.
“How’s it looking, Grayson?”
“Dark,” I said, half joking. “We’ve got some life… shrimp. They’re translucent. Can’t get a great look at them… but we’ll see what the cameras pick up.”
“They’ve recognized you as a friend,” Sheila said. I could almost see the smile on her lips as she said it.
“Yeah…” I replied, “Tempura sent them a message, told them I’d be down. How am I looking on depth?”
“35,000 feet… you seeing a bottom yet?”
“No… not that I would until I was there.”
“Damn… how deep does this go?”
“It can’t go that deep…” I murmured, although I really wasn’t so sure about that.
The submarine continued to sink…
36,000 feet…
37,000 feet…
38,000 feet… and then finally, just past the 39,000 foot mark, I finally saw solid ground below me.
Looking through my viewport, I could see a familiar dark brown diatomaceous sludge, covering the seafloor. Microscopic life, likely similar to what had been observed in other deep sea trenches, such as the Challenger Deep.
I needed to gather a sample.
As my submarine reached the bottom, I extended the mechanical arms, pressed flat against the surface of the Tempura, and opened the collection port near the bottom of the ship. Slowly, I sifted some of the sludge into the port. My disturbance of the seafloor kicked up a cloud of the microbial colony, and I could’ve sworn I saw something wiggling through the debris. A pale, white thing, perhaps some sort of sea cucumber? I hastily angled my submarines camera to try and catch a glimpse of it, before returning to my collection. Even in this forlorn place, there was still so much to see! And here I was… completely forgetting my fear as the excitement took hold of me! Few people had ever been down to these unfathomable depths… and yet here I was.
It didn’t feel real but it was! I had reached the deepest part of the ocean!
“How’s it going down there?” I heard Sheila ask. Her voice was a little garbled. The connection down here was faltering.
“It’s beautiful…” I said. “I can’t wait for you to see it!”
“I’ll bet…”
“I’m going to do a sweep of the area, see what samples I can gather,” I said. “What’s my time right now?”
“Three hours. You’ve got nine before your connection to the weight deteriorates and you start to ascend.”
“I’ll make the most of it,” I said. The plan was only to stay down there for six hours, and I didn’t want to push that limit. Life support would only last me for so long, and one little error was all it would take for the ungodly pressure down here to crush me.
I began to move the submarine. Mobility was limited. This thing wasn’t built to travel far. But I still had some limited movement. I recorded all that I could, filming the shrimp that investigated my light, and the things that slithered and crawled through the muck, likely feeding on the carpet of single celled organisms that populated these depths.
The first two hours were… well… I hesitate to call them uneventful, they were actually very fascinating, but little of note happened beyond my recording of a few specimens.
Midway through the third hour though, as I was reaching one of the rock walls of the abyss, I noticed something just above the edge of my viewport swimming away from the light. I could’ve sworn I saw slender, pale tentacles of some sort. Was that a squid? Were there squid down this deep? I wasn’t aware of any species of known squid who could reach these depths… but in this unknown place, what use was the known?
I moved my light and my camera to try and catch another glimpse of it, but whatever it was, it seemed to be gone. Maybe I’d see another one. I still had plenty of time.
“You made a noise. What’d you see?” Sheila asked.
“Something big… I think,” I said.
“Down there? Like a fish?”
“Squid. You wouldn’t find any vertebrates down this deep… the pressure would crush their bones.”
“Jeez…”
I didn’t reply to that, still searching for the thing I’d seen. I shone my light up along the walls of the chasm and angled my camera up as far as it would go. I could see a few volcanic vents, spewing dark clouds into the darkness, and more diatoms. But not much else. Strange invertebrates crawled along the walls. Small creatures, no bigger than an inch long. Related to isopods, perhaps? If I could collect one as a sample, I would have… although taking any of those back to the surface would surely kill them. They were built to live under the impossible pressure of these depths. Taking them to the surface would rip them apart.
I went back to my research, and it wasn’t long until I saw something in the darkness, just on the edge of where my flashlight reached. Trailing white tendrils, snaking their way through the darkness. My eyes narrowed as I moved the submarine forward, trying to catch whatever it was in the light. I saw the shape move, its body turning… I saw its tendrils unfurling. Whatever this was, it was big. It was almost as big as The Tempura… although it was also slender. If I didn’t know any better, I would’ve thought I was looking at some sort of floating debris, but this far down? No. And debris wouldn’t move like that.
This had to be a deepsea squid… or perhaps some other type of cephalopod? Something that preyed upon the various invertebrates down here, perhaps? It seemed to float, just out of sight for a bit, as I tried to get closer. I angled up my light to get a better look at it. The light seemed to shine through it, like some sort of ghost… but I did manage to get a look at it.
Although that look…
That single look made me freeze up.
This things slender tendrils certainly resembled a cephalopod of some sort, but the rest of it… the rest of it looked like something else entirely. Its body was thin, emaciated and translucent, yet despite that it still had characteristics that almost seemed… human. It wasn’t human! Not by any stretch of imagination, but the resemblance was there. It almost reminded me of an exhibit I’d seen in a museum once, depicting a preserved, fully removed human nervous system. I could see a similar shape in its translucent body. Its head seemed almost human as well… albeit with no eyes, and a lamprey like mouth I could only describe as fleshy yet crablike.
Still, despite having no eyes I couldn’t shake the feeling that it was looking at me. And that was when I felt something hit the submarine.
I felt a sudden jolt of panic in my chest. For a moment, I thought that the pressure had started to crush me, but no… no, everything was still fine. Something had just hit me. But what? It didn’t take long before I got my answer.
Another pale creature floated past my viewport, swirling gracefully in the cold dark waters. I watched it for a moment with wide eyes, before noticing its ‘head’ turning slightly toward me. Then, almost instantly, it launched itself at the submarine, darting toward me with blinding speed.
I heard a distinct THUD as its body collided with me, and I could see its pale tendrils pressing against the viewport, twisting and writhing violently. It was trying to attack me. The first creature that I’d seen lunged as well, pounding on my submarine with another THUD. And moments later, I could hear more impacts against the hull. There were more of them… and they did not like having me down there.
“What’s going on?” Sheila asked.
“Somebody doesn’t like me…” I said. “One of the animals down here… some kind of squid, it’s just started attacking the hull.”
“How bad is the damage?”
“Not sure… could be nothing, could be-”
I felt the submarine shake as I tried to move it. The thrusters that pushed me forward weren't responding. Had something gotten caught in it? One of the creatures perhaps?
“Grayson?!” Sheila asked.
“Lost propulsion…” I said. “Fuck… I can’t move.”
“Then drop the weight and come up!”
“No, it’s fine, there’s no other damage, I can still use the port and starboard thrusters to-”
“Grayson!”
I paused. There was genuine panic in her voice… enough to make me realize that even if these things stood little chance of actually breaching the hull, taking the risk would be a fatal mistake.
“I’m on my way up…” I finally said, before reaching out to disengage the ballast weights.
Immediately, I felt myself beginning to rise, although the tentacles clinging to my viewport didn’t disappear.
“We’ve got you…” Sheila said. “Rising up to 38,000 feet.”
The submarine continued to rise, but the creatures clinging to me went nowhere. In fact… I was sure I could see more of them. More pale shapes coming up through the darkness, and these ones filled me with dread. I thought I had been looking at some sort of eerie undiscovered life. But seeing what was coming up toward me now… I knew that I was looking at so much more. The creatures swimming up toward me through the darkness carried weapons… makeshift stone spears and daggers. Primitive tools… but tools all the same.
Signs that these were more than just undiscovered animals.
Much. Much more.
The word: ‘Mermaids’ crossed through my mind, but these were something far different than the ones I’d heard of in folklore. These looked like they’d swam out of the depths of hell itself. Boneless pale tendrils reached for me… and they were getting closer. The pale shapes reached my submarine as I rose higher. I kept praying to whatever God may be listening that the dropping pressure would force them off. The air in a submarine is pressurized, so during normal operation, there should have been no danger of decompression sickness for me.
For them… well… normally I’d feel a little guilty about subjecting an undiscovered species of deep sea mermaids to the horrors of the Bends. But given my circumstances, I didn’t have a lot of other options.
They didn’t let go, though.
They should have. But they didn’t.
What were these things?
I saw a splayed hand press against my viewport. Or… it somewhat resembled a hand. It had suckers on it, like a tentacle and the ‘fingers’ curled open like tentacles. The creature crawled over my viewport, clinging to The Tempura as it rose, and I could see the folds of its crablike mouth opening and pressing against the glass. I could see some sort of bile rising up through its translucent throat, before it secreted it all over my viewport. Was it trying to digest me? Was that how these things fed? How strong were its stomach acids? Were they strong enough to-
The window cracked.
My heart skipped a beat.
“No… no, no no…”
“Grayson, what’s wrong?!”
“They cracked the window… S-Sheila they… oh God… oh fuck, they just…”
“THEY DID WHAT?”
“It’s secreting some sort of enzyme… it’s on the window, it’s… FUCK… I’m gonna die… I’m gonna die… I’m gonna die…”
“You’re not gonna die, baby! Just… just keep ascending, okay? You’re at 30,000 feet… just keep going…”
I nodded, and kept on rising, although the question of whether or not the rest of the creatures were trying to digest the other parts of my submarine floated through my mind. How much damage could The Tempura take before it imploded? How much longer did I have? The submarine still continued to rise… 25,000 feet… almost halfway home… almost… almost.
The creature outside of my viewport slithered along the glass, searching for a better area to try and digest. Past him, I noticed a few of his companions dropping off. Maybe the change in pressure finally was getting to them?
From the corner of my eye, I suddenly noticed a flashing light. A warning. The hydraulics on one of the Tempura’s arms were shot… what else was damaged?
I checked my oxygen levels. 32%.
I should’ve had at least 14 hours of air. I’d only been down there for about 6 hours… I shouldn’t have been this low.
31%.
No… no, no, no, no… they’d damaged the air tanks!
30%.
29%
“20,000 feet!” Sheila said. “You still with me, baby?”
“Y-yeah…” I said. I didn’t mention my air situation. I didn’t need to worry her further.
The submarine continued its ascent.
15,000 feet.
24%. I was running out of time.
The creatures still clung to the Tempura. How had the pressure change not killed them yet? My oxygen was dropping faster than before. I was hemorrhaging air. Another crack formed across my viewport. I let out a little, involuntary gasp before trying to force myself to stop hyperventilating.
“Grayson, what was that?”
“I-it’s fine…” I stammered, “It’s fine!”
“Grayson what the hell is going on down there?!”
“They’re still on the submarine… they’re still…” I paused, looking at my oxygen levels. “19%...”
“19% of what? Grayson what’s going on!”
I paused.
18%.
“Air… I’m… I’m losing air…”
“That’s fine, you’re going to make it!” She said, although I heard her voice cracking a little. “You’re gonna make it!”
I didn’t answer.
12,000 feet.
11,000 feet…
My oxygen level continued to drop.
15%.
14%.
12%.
9,000 feet.
The creatures still clung to me, as the submarine continued to rise. The one on my viewport was still there, slowly crawling along the glass again. I stared into its eyeless face and swore I was looking at the face of my killer.
7,000 feet…
Oxygen had dropped to 9%. It dropped to 8% before I even got to 6,000 feet. I was going to die here…
The viewport cracked again and I squeezed my eyes shut. The submarine rocked. I was sure one of the thrusters had been damaged. My ascent slowed.
“Grayson, what’s going on?”
“I’m sorry Sheila…”
Another crack spread across my viewport.
“I’m… I’m not making it back up…”
“YES YOU ARE!”
“I’m sorry…” The tears started to come as the reality of my death became clearer and clearer… this was it.
“YOU’RE COMING BACK UP, YOU HEAR ME! GODDAMNIT, I’LL BRING YOU BACK UP!”
“I love you…”
That creatures face pressed against the glass. It vomited more of its stomach acid onto the cracked glass, and I wondered if this might finally be what broke it. Part of me hoped it would be… the one good thing about dying this deep was that at least I’d die quickly. My suffering would be over. Then, the creature suddenly pulled back, twisting and writhing violently. I saw other shapes moving past it in the water, other ‘mermaids’ that had been clinging to the submarine.
Something was agitating them.
Something was scaring them off.
Then I heard it, over the radio… whale songs.
“What the hell…?”
“Grayson, are you still there?!”
“I… they’re finally breaking off. Sheila, what did you do?”
“I’m broadcasting some of the orca recordings we’ve been using. Are they still clinging to you?”
“No! They’re backing off! I… whatever you’re doing, keep doing it!”
The submarine kept rising.
5,000 feet.
4,000 feet.
4% oxygen.
I could still do this, right?
The submarine continued to rise.
3%.
3,000 feet.
2,000 feet.
2%.
1,000 feet… so close… I was so close…
I could almost see the surface through my viewport, rushing up toward me. I tried not to breathe. Tried not to move. All I did was hope.
500 feet.
I closed my eyes.
“Grayson we have your signal, we’re coming to pick you up!”
Sheila’s voice sounded so far away as my submarine finally breached the surface of the water… and with the last of my strength, I pulled the emergency release on the hatch, and threw it open, taking in lungful after lungful of fresh salty air.
I didn’t dare so much as touch the water beneath me… but I was topside again, and in the distance, I could see The Burger!
“We see you!” Sheila said, “We’ve got you baby… we’ve got you…”
“I see you too…” I said through the tears. “Thank you… thank you…” I didn’t have any words left in me after that.
As soon as I was back on the ship, I collapsed into Sheila’s arms, breaking down into tears as I clung to her, terrified that at any moment, some sort of unspoken other shoe would drop and I’d lose her all over again.
“Shh… it’s alright baby… I’ve got you… you’re safe… you’re safe…” I felt her fingers running through my air and I knew that what she said was true.
I was home.
I was safe.
***
I left my colleagues to review the data that the Tempura gathered during its short expedition. As far as I know, they haven’t published anything. I have a few ideas as to why, but I’ll keep those to myself. Let’s just say that some people would rather this information not become public.
I have a feeling that the Tempura may not be diving again for some time, if ever. I will confess that I do consider that a bit of a shame. Despite everything… I would consider it a success. It endured far more stressful conditions than I had expected, and from what I heard, required fewer repairs than I’d thought it would. But, even if it was approved for another dive, it wouldn’t be me piloting it. No. I will never be setting foot inside of that machine again, nor will I ever be returning to what my colleagues have been quietly referring to as ‘The Jenner Trench’.
I can’t.
Every night, I wake up crying after dreaming of pale shapes outside of my cracked viewport, clinging to Sheila and sobbing. I can’t put myself in that situation again.
I can’t.
Instead, I think I’m going to spend the next few years on solid ground. There’s a teaching position available at a local university. I think that might be the best place for me right now. Who knows, maybe I can help some other deadbeat discover a passion for marine biology.
After everything, my love for the sea remains unchanged… I’m just a little more wary of it, these days.

Okay so, I'm not a first time handler, I heavily relied on my task trained multipurpose service dog (mostly mobility [fmp/cb/sighted guide/retrievals/all kinds of more "minor" mobility tasks like taking off socks and pushing buttons] but also had med alert/response and psych tasks. I had him working full time for the past 4.5 years but he had to suddenly retire at 6. Based in USA for context.
Those of you that went on to get another service dog after the first....did you have to like get like....re evaluated at all? To see if it was still a recommended part of treatment for you, despite like, KNOWING it is vital for you? Like I know how much he helped and I know how much another will help, but some programs require you to have a "prescription" so to speak. I went with a private trainer for my last dog and his basic/advanced obedience/PA/scent training for alert tasks because I was new to the whole thing but I did all of his other tasks and stuff. For this next dog I will probably do owner training (closely checking in with a private SD trainer regularly), so it isn't like it matters but.... Do I have to get another "prescription" so to speak for my next dog?
Also those of you that have had mobility dogs that had to suddenly STOP having mobility dogs. Do you have any advice? Life is so much harder now. And the idea of waiting two more years just to maybe not have a suitable dog makes me question why I ever did this in the first place. To be fair I didn't need a mobility dog at first, those symptoms came after already having a dog that luckily passed clearance tests when I needed him to. So I've never even used other tools to mitigate the more physically limiting aspects of my disabilities. What mobility aids do you recommend for balance/momentum while remaining ambulatory? My current plan is maybe a rollator? of those grabby thingies so I can pick things up off the ground myself? Idk I just know NOTHING is gonna compare/do all of the things my boy could. I'm very thankful to still have him at home, but public is more of a nightmare than ever.
Please be gentle if my wording makes no sense currently, I'm struggling with awful migraine and just needed to get this question out of my head.

Recently enlisted into the army with an mos that requires secret clearance and in the dep waiting to ship. At the time I didn’t realize it but when he was asking me questions about my employment history and references and residence history that was the sf86 he told me it was just an enlistment package that everyone has to do. I did not fill anything out myself or on paper he did it all on his computer and asked me verbally.
I made him aware already of experimental marijuana usage over a year and a half ago but I am sure he didn’t put it on there since he didn’t want me mentioning it to Meps obviously. I was only made aware that it was the sf86 after asking him because I thought I would fill it out at a later date.
I don’t want to go into my army career and possibly get an upgraded clearance or polygraph and have it ruin my future endeavors.
I’ve already tried asking him to change it when I finally realized he told me there was nothing he can do and was just told that “everything is good to go” and “marijuana usage is the least concern with a security clearance”
How can i make this right, i possibly won’t get a interview since it’s a secret clearance do I have to continue with the lie until I possibly get an upgraded clearance to explain to an interviewer will I get in trouble for admitting this information? Do security investigators check both your enlistment paperwork and your sf86?

So I lodge a claim through ATO for early release of super on companionate grounds for Top Surgery 14 days ago and I’m due to get a texted today or tomorrow for approval (or not). I find myself logging into myGov and checking every bloody 5 seconds and it’s irritating me that that’s all I can think about. I have to pay my surgeon on the 24th which is 2 weeks before my surgery date and I still need to lodge a claim (with the approval letter) to my Superannuation. Good thing that only takes 3-5 business days but I’m very nervous about making it in time. I don’t want to have to reschedule my surgery as I have already put through leave at work.
Has anyone else got this consumed with top surgery?

So I lodge a claim through ATO for early release of super on companionate grounds for Top Surgery 14 days ago and I’m due to get a texted today or tomorrow for approval (or not). I find myself logging into myGov and checking every bloody 5 seconds and it’s irritating me that that’s all I can think about. I have to pay my surgeon on the 24th which is 2 weeks before my surgery date and I still need to lodge a claim (with the approval letter) to my Superannuation. Good thing that only takes 3-5 business days but I’m very nervous about making it in time. I don’t want to have to reschedule my surgery as I have already put through leave at work.
Has anyone else got this consumed with top surgery?