Dating bad teeth
BadDatingBios
2022.11.28 00:55 teddyisagrizzlybear BadDatingBios
For those bios full of demands, red flags, and everything else that makes you swipe left faster than my dad left me
2018.12.22 19:59 JustBepisNoConke Scrungy Cats
Cats that are scrungy
2008.03.03 00:48 /r/dating: vent, discuss, learn!
A subreddit to discuss and explore the dating process and learn from the experiences of others
2024.05.14 10:43 Upper_Serve_4640 Growing up, my mother forbade me from ever talking about my little brother outside the house. 50 years later, they're both dead, and I'm ready to talk
The garage door shut with a groan behind us, closing us in the gloom of the single bulb hanging over the car.
Mother took a drag off her cigarette and sighed as she exhaled, the smoke filled the cabin of the Ford and stung my eyes.
“You really disappointed me today, Julianne," she tapped her cigarette in the ashtray below the dash, "you embarrassed me in front of the other mothers at the Ice Cream Social, shoveling down seconds and thirds like a pig. I thought I raised you better than that.”
She took another drag, daintily holding the cigarette between her perfectly manicured fingers.
“I'm going to have to tell your brother about this," she continued, “he'll have to come up with a punishment fit for a pig."
I felt my stomach drop. My kid brother, Thomas, was only six, but could be exceptionally cruel. Mother seemed to encourage him and was deferring to him more and more frequently for how the house was run, especially concerning my upbringing.
"Mother, please, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to embarrass you. I'm sorry I was a pig and ate so much ice cream. I promise I won't do it again, I'll never eat any ice cream again," I was pleading with stone, unyielding.
“Hush your mouth. Go to your room and wait for Thomas," she put out the cigarette and got out of the car, I had no choice but to follow.
It felt like walking to the gallows as I stepped inside the house and headed towards the stairs to go to my room. Thomas had grown fond recently of physical punishment, he obviously delighted in Mother whipping me with a belt or, recently, Mother had allowed him to start beating me with a wooden spoon. He would squeal and giggle like a normal child watching bubbles in the wind while I screamed. I was dreading whatever was going to happen tonight, I chastised myself for eating that ice cream, I should have known she would show up. My sins were always laid bare.
Down the hall, I could hear Thomas watching television in the den. I only got to watch TV for half an hour on Saturday morning and new episodes of Happy Days with Mother and Thomas. Thomas got to watch all the TV he wanted. He could listen to the radio and turntable as much as he wanted, as loud as he wanted. Thomas had an entire room just for his toys.
I entered my bedroom, it was a space I occupied, but it didn't feel like mine. Mother kept it spartan, white walls and white bedspread. A crucifix over the bed and a painting of Jesus over the door. I had my desk and chair and a dresser with some of the porcelain dolls Daddy gave me before he died that Mother let me keep. That was it.
I placed my book bag down and sat on my bed, waiting for Thomas. It was a while, sitting there with nothing but my own thoughts and staring at the open door. I felt humiliated, I was almost thirteen and my entire life was dictated by my brother. Mother kept the house in constant lockdown to keep Thomas a secret. No outsiders were allowed in. I couldn't have friends because she was afraid I would mention him or sneak a friend in to gawk at my brother and tease him for being different.
I would never make fun of him, I was terrified of him. Terrified of what he was and what he was becoming.
Eventually I heard his heavy footsteps coming up the stairs and I felt my heart start beating faster and my palms began to sweat. I kneaded my skirt in my hands, trying to calm myself and dry my palms. His slow arrhythmic footsteps came down the hall and I watched him as he entered the room.
I couldn't help but internally recoil at his appearance, even though I'd known him since he was born, I could never adjust to how unnatural he appeared. Thomas had been born at home and had never seen a doctor, but he was obviously unwell.
He was six years old and was barely over two feet tall, but very squat and wide. His skin was thick and gray, the whites of his beady eyes were yellow and his hair was wispy and white like an old man's, spreading out like a halo around his gargoyle face. A slight odor of decomposition hung about him, it reminded me faintly of garbage cans on a hot summer day. I hated when Mother made me help him with a bath, his skin felt like old brittle leather that flaked onto my clothes in gray flecks. His body was dense like concrete, I could barely lift him into the tub. Picking him up forced his hair into my face where that smell of rot would fill my nose, causing me to gag, silently, so as not to offend him and draw any ire from him or Mother.
Today, Thomas was wearing bib overalls with a red and green striped sweater underneath, reminding me of a grotesque doll.
“Mama says you acted like a piggy today at the ice cream social,” he spoke up to me in his unsettlingly high pitched, yet raspy voice, like a child that smoked as much as Mother, "you need to come down for dinner right now for your punishment for embarrassing Mama."
He turned and walked back down the stairs and I had no choice but to follow his toddling form downstairs to the dining table. We entered the kitchen and the table was placed with two settings. Mother was already seated and Thomas clambered up into his booster seat at his normal spot next to Mother. She took a drag off her cigarette and motioned vaguely to the floor without even looking at me.
Neatly situated on the linoleum was my dinner, not on a plate, but directly on the floor. A pork chop, scoop of mashed potatoes, and a small pile of peas. No utensils, either.
Thomas giggled with glee upon seeing my face.
“You have Mama's permission now to eat like a piggy, now. No hands! Piggies just use their face!” He stood up in his chair and reached out for Mother’s ash tray and flung it out over my meal, peppering my dinner with cigarette ash and butts.
"Oops! Piggies don't mind trash though, do they, Mama?” he giggled and the sound filled me with rage.
"No, they don't,” Mother replied coolly while maneuvering her ashtray back in place and carefully putting out her cigarette before saying prayer.
As angry as I was, I got down on my hands and knees and did my best at eating what I could without using my hands. I knew if I refused, it would be far worse. The whole meal, Thomas made pig noises and would reach down and poke me with his fork, making comments about what a fat piggy I was and how he wished he could roast and eat me. I doubted Mother would even object if he actually did kill me and eat me.
Gagging my way through another bite of ashy pork chop, I felt a warm splat over my head and heard Thomas giggling. I reached up and felt he had dumped mashed potatoes into my hair.
Choking down tears, I asked Mother if I could clean the floor and bathe. She rolled her eyes and excused me to clear the table for them as well while she changed Thomas into his pajamas. Picking him up, she walked out of the room and Thomas stuck his putrid little purple tongue out at me before they made it out the kitchen door.
I silently cried while I cleared the table and washed the dinner dishes. Tears splashed down as I mopped up the mess from my food on the floor. I hated how awful Thomas was. I hated how they treated me. Ever since Daddy died and Thomas showed up, I was their punching bag. I missed Daddy so much.
Mother was kinder then, too. She was still severe, but Dad kept her tempered. After he died, there was a change that came over her. I was only six, so I didn't remember her too much from before, but I did remember her gushing on and on when she was pregnant with Thomas. How the baby was a gift from Our Heavenly Father, that it was going to complete our broken family.
My sixth birthday happened right after Daddy died and I remember sitting on the patio crying while the house was full of people after the funeral, normally he would have gotten me a new doll and a chocolate bar, instead I was forgotten. No doll. No chocolate. Just funeral potatoes and a house full of cigarette smoke from the adults.
Nobody remembered. The closest thing I got was my dad's sister, Aunt Judy, sitting next to me on the patio step for a few minutes of comfortable silence before giving my shoulder a reassuring squeeze. I don't think she knew her brother was memorialized on my birthday. Next year, Thomas was born the day before my birthday, so it was completely eclipsed as Mother had just birthed her new love into the world…
I stopped mid mop as a lightbulb finally went off. I had never put much thought into the dates before.
Thomas was born a full year after Daddy died. He couldn't be his dad. Who was Thomas’ actual father?
Washing mashed potatoes out of my hair that evening, I ran over and over the timeline. No matter how I parsed it out, Thomas was only my half brother. Going to bed that night, I kept myself awake, going over and over again to make sure. I couldn't remember any men being around at that time, but that didn't mean much. Adults can easily hide things from children. Tension began throbbing through my head and I felt queasy. Mother had always known all of my secrets, able to sniff them out like a bloodhound out or using Thomas to spy. Now I had one of Mother's secrets and I didn't know what to do with it.
First I wanted to confirm it, but it would mean snooping, which was difficult in a house that was rarely left empty. I would have to try finding Mother's calendar book or journal to see if she mentioned any dates or men.
But when could I attempt such a daring maneuver? Thomas hardly left the house. As proud as Mother was of him, she was very cognizant and protective of his differences and didn't want to draw attention to herself or Thomas like that. Mother herself had few social engagements throughout the week and mostly stayed home to watch her golden child.
I finally decided I would take the risk and fake sick on Tuesday, grocery day, so I could stay home from school while she went shopping. All Thomas did all day was watch TV downstairs, so that should give me about an hour to look through her room for clues. I decided to tuck my head down, try to behave as best as I could to avoid their wrath, and wait for Tuesday.
That weekend limped along agonizingly slow. Thomas was in a fine mood and was constantly seeking out a reason to poke me, punch me, slap me… he'd laugh while calling me a piggy with his off-putting wide mouth. I tried to mostly stay in my room and it seemed like neither of them cared.
School on Monday was a relief, but my anxiety ramped up. The consequences would be dire if Mother caught on that I was faking sick to stay home. I didn't even want to imagine how off the leash she'd let my half-brother become in his punishment for that level of insubordination.
I stayed up all night, my stomach was in knots, but I was committed to my plan. Throughout the night, I screamed as hard as I could into my pillow. Screamed until my throat was raw and I could barely talk. It felt cathartic in a way. When it was close to school time, I put on my heaviest flannel pajamas and began doing jumping jacks until my face was flushed and my scalp was soaked with sweat.
Looking in the bathroom mirror before heading down to talk to Mother, I thought I looked pretty convincing, my skin was flushed and sweaty, my eyes had circles under them from lack of sleep, and my voice croaked like a frog.
Heading downstairs, Mother was already feeding Thomas breakfast. I hesitantly stepped into the kitchen and stood there awkwardly for a second, pawing with my pajamas to keep my nerves steady until she noticed my presence and looked up.
“Why aren't you dressed, Julianne?"
"I don't feel well. My throat hurts and my tummy hurts.” My voice graveled out more than I was expecting, I really had hurt my throat.
She strode over to me and placed a cool hand on my sweaty brow.
"You do feel warm. Take an aspirin from the medicine cabinet and go lay back down. I'll check on you later," with that she turned back and walked over to Thomas, who was frozen in place, glaring at me over a forkful of scrambled eggs. The sharp glint of malice in his beady eyes made me shiver before I shuffled out of the kitchen.
I laid in bed, trying my best to look miserable until I eventually heard the faint sound of the television playing in the den as Thomas settled in for his normal daytime routine and the garage door opened as Mother headed to the grocery store. I bounded out of bed and watched the car back out of our driveway and head up the street.
My heart began to pound as I tiptoed down the hall to Mother's bedroom, a place I rarely even caught a glimpse of, let alone entered. I very slowly opened the door, taking great care to not make any noise to alert Thomas downstairs that I was out of bed.
Creeping into the butter yellow room, I could feel my heartbeat pounding in my skull, this was the naughtiest thing I had ever done by far. I stepped onto the rug to help disguise my footsteps and slowly made my way past the brass bed and towards her desk. My hands shook as I opened the top drawer, I pawed through rapidly and found nothing. I checked the next drawer down and again found nothing of interest, just stationary and envelopes.
Finally, the bottom drawer was what I was looking for, a stack of journals from the past decade. I flipped through, trying to find entries relevant to when Daddy died and who Mother slept with afterwards.
I've never fully recovered from what I read.
July 6, 1968
Edgar died today. Car accident. I cannot believe this is real. My light, my life, my anchor... Dr. Benson gave me a sedative at the hospital and I feel so tired. So very, very tired. Why has my Lord forsaken me so?
July 9, 1968
I feel like I am in a very bad dream, I feel numb and disconnected. All the consolation and pity from everyone makes me feel sick. After the memorial, it took everything in me to not break dishes and to scream at everyone to get out of my house. Julianne was moping about crying and I wanted to throw her out, too.
If I hadn't seen my dear Edgar's body in the hospital and held his urn in my own hands, I wouldn't believe he was really gone. I still don't entirely believe it.
I have prayed to God every night asking him to show me why he took my husband from me and I have gotten no answer.
I skimmed over the next few months, as it was more or less similar sentiments repeated night after night. I finally got to an entry that caught my eye.
September 17, 1968
My battle with my faith has been fraught the past few months, but Hallelujah! I feel I can see the Lord again in all his glory and might, for he has given me a way to reconnect to my Edgar!
I was thinking about the night Julianne was born, right in this very home, it was a difficult birth and she struggled to breathe at first. Ingrid, my midwife, made a comment to me that if the baby had failed to wake up on her own, that Ingrid had ways to make sure she would have made it.
I remember asking if it was a medical methodology and she made it clear to me that in certain circumstances, it was a mystical property she used to bring the air of life into a struggling baby's lungs. She gently alluded to being a practicing member of the dark arts. At the time, I felt quite scandalized to have someone like that in my God fearing home. Now I see her as the answer to my prayers! My angel!
On a whim, I called her and asked if she still practiced such techniques. She hesitantly confirmed that she did. I asked, if she could turn breath into the lungs of a child without, could she turn breath into a child that did not exist? Could she magick into existence another child of my beloved Edgar? She told me she had to do some research and she'd be back in touch.
Ingrid just called back after a few hours and said there was a spell she found, but it was dangerous and might have unpleasant results. I said, yes, of course! I trust my Lord and I believe he sent this woman of blessed magick to me for this purpose.
She says we will have to do it soon, in a few days during the new moon. She has a potion to brew, but it is happening! Praise God!
September 23, 1968
The ceremony was last night, and Ingrid believes it was a success, but we will have to wait. It did not take long, only an hour or two. Ingrid lit my bedroom with many beeswax candles and she had me drink a thick and bitter tea that caused me to become quite relaxed and foggy.
From my inner thigh, she cut me and collected my blood in a chalice, with which she mixed quite a lot of Edgar's ashes and other ingredients which I could not glean from my supine position and groggy wits. Ingrid began to chant, calling upon a higher power, as I pleaded with my Lord to let this work. To give me any piece of my Edgar back. She came to the bed and worked the paste between my legs into my womanly chamber, which was very uncomfortable, but manageable with the numbing effects of the tea.
She continued to sit with me and chant, her hand placed over my womb, until she decided at which time it was complete. She left and I fell into a deep sleep. When I woke up this morning, I felt quite uncomfortable, my body ached and when I used the restroom, a yellow fluid like pus poured out of me, but no sign of any ashes or blood, which gives me hope it was absorbed into my womb.
November 3, 1968
Praise be to our Lord, Ingrid just confirmed for me that I am with child, I had been hoping so, I had not gotten my cycle in October, but I wasn't sure if that was because of the discharge like pus that was still coming. She told me that was common with this spell and a side effect that would stop after the baby came.
I feel like I am floating on air, for the first time since Edgar left, I feel-
I suddenly became very aware of the feeling of eyes on the back of my head. I had become too engrossed in what was written before me and I had lost track of my surroundings. Very slowly, I turned around and my heart began pounding again as I saw Thomas standing in the doorway holding his wooden spoon in one hand. How had I not heard him?
He pointed at me with his empty hand and screamed, just a pure guttural screech from somewhere deep inside his disgusting little body. He charged at me from across the room, his horrible feet thumping solidly along the rug. He began beating my legs ruthlessly with the spoon, causing my legs to buckle. I crashed down to my knees in front of him, and he began lashing at my face, pulling my hair with one hand while wailing away at my head with the spoon.
I had dropped the journal I was holding and was desperately trying to get a hand on the spoon or push him away. All I could hear was him screaming. My arms flailed and I reached around on Mother's desk and grabbed onto the first thing I found and sank it into Thomas’ neck.
The end of Mother's gold letter opener protruded under his jaw. He went silent and he looked at me with utter shock. He dropped the spoon and collapsed on the ground, clutching at his neck as his thick black blood oozed out from his wound, letting out a stupendous odor of rot that filled the room. He didn't really say anything or make any noise. He just twitched for a moment and I saw his eyes glaze over.
In shock, I stood over his little body for a moment and I watched as he seemed to mummify in just a few minutes, like an ash person from Pompeii dressed in jeans and a flannel shirt. Even his blood that looked like shiny oil a second ago became like potting soil on Mother's rug. Reaching out to touch his hand, it crumbled away like sand.
Panic ran through me like a rabbit caught in a snare. Not knowing what to do, I ran. I ran down the hall, changed my clothes, put an extra change of clothes in my backpack and the last doll Daddy had ever given me and I ran. Mother would absolutely never forgive me and I was genuinely afraid she would kill me in retaliation for taking her beloved Thomas away from her. Her precious gift from God. My feet flew over the pavement and took me away from that house.
I called my Aunt Judy from a payphone outside the five & dime, and told her Mother had kicked me out and asked if I could stay with her. She had always had a strained relationship with my mother and it didn't take much convincing that she had kicked out her “only” child. Only Mother, Ingrid, and I ever knew about Thomas.
She gave me a home and took care of me. She never beat me or humiliated me. Even with her love, I was far from okay. For years I would close my eyes and hear Thomas scream, then the sudden silence. I'd see him fumbling at his neck and turning to ash. But I would also remember all the ways he would hurt me and how bad he was becoming. I could never talk to anyone about it, especially not the silent relief I felt I refused to admit to myself. Over time, however, Thomas' screams became a whisper and his silence faded into dust in my mind.
I moved on with my life. I went to college and became a photojournalist, getting to travel the world and watch history unfold. By choice, I never married, but was quite blessed with many beautiful friendships for companionship over the decades. I found balance in my life and a sense of happiness, if not peace. I never could quite stomach mashed potatoes again, though, they always taste ashy to me.
Mother never made any attempts to reach out to me or find me, at least that I'm aware of. Ten years ago, I was contacted by a hospital and they said my mother had been admitted earlier after falling and was about to pass, so she must have kept some tabs on me to know my phone number for her emergency contacts. Apparently she had collapsed in the driveway and a neighbor called an ambulance. I got there and her only words to me were, “take care of him," as she placed a locket in my hand. I opened the locket, Jesus was on one side, Thomas on the other. I didn't say anything to her, just held her frail old hand with nicotine stained nails until she passed in the night. My mother was gone and I felt nothing except a vague sense of relief.
When I got to her house, it was like a time capsule. Other than a newer television, it was just like it was when I'd fled so many years ago. The smell of tobacco smoke hung like incense in the air. It felt oppressive, like a tomb.
I wandered the house in a bit of a daze. The one place I didn't want to go was upstairs. I didn't want to see my old room, or Thomas' room, or Mother's. Putting it off, I went to fix myself some supper, realizing I hadn't eaten in almost a day. I took a pause when I opened the fridge and saw a baby bottle on a shelf. Silently praying she had been babysitting for a neighbor, I fixed myself some toast with sardines and sat eating in the den watching TV. It had been almost forty years and it still felt rebellious not eating at the table and watching TV without permission.
My eyes grew heavy and I finally mustered up the gumption to head upstairs to go to bed. The stairs creaked in a familiar way under my feet and I was taken back to the feeling of dread hearing either Mother or Thomas climbing up. My old room was at the top of the stairs, I saw the door was nailed shut and had rambling quotes about Judas copied from the Bible in my mother's handwriting taped to the door. I sighed gently and turned from the door to head down the hallway, deciding Mother's room was probably the best place to sleep.
I passed by Thomas’ toy room and I heard a murmur from the room. I stopped, curiosity got the best of me and I entered. In Thomas' old toy room was a crib with joyful clown sheets. Dread swelled up inside me as I heard more murmurs and saw the sheets move. Approaching slowly, I peaked under the sheet and gasped.
Tucked inside was what looked like a baby gargoyle, gray and papery looking. Pus leaked out of its milky, bulbous eyes. I pulled back the blanket and saw it had no legs and its arms bent back, like wings on a bird. It was wearing just a cloth diaper, overflowing with tarry looking stool that took my breath away with its pungency, it smelled like Thomas’ blood, but somehow worse. My heart broke for this poor creature, Lord only knows how many years it has been in this crib suffering from its unholy existence.
So this is who Mother had wanted me to take care of…
Not knowing what else to do, I gently scooped him up. Like Thomas, he was shockingly heavy for how small his body was. Placing him on the changing table, I cleaned him and rewrapped his bottom in a clean diaper cloth. It was difficult, he fussed tremendously, crying and flopping around as much as his flipper-like arms would allow. I tried wiping off his oozing eyes and he snapped his mouth, which I saw was full of disturbingly square yellow teeth, trying to bite me. I carried him to the kitchen and rocked him while I heated up his bottle and he became furious with me, almost barking like a dog when my hand would get near his face.
He settled a bit as he fed, but he would still sometimes suddenly spit out the bottle and attempt to bite me. I laid him back in his crib, this abomination in a clown sheet, and I walked down the hall to Mother's room letting out a long sigh.
Combing through my mother's journals in the early hours of the morning, it looked like she tried the ceremony again shortly after Thomas died, but she either lacked Ingrid’s help or didn't have enough of my father's ashes left. Something went terribly wrong. She was vaguer than she had been about Thomas’ conception, but I suspect she had used some of Thomas' remains. The resulting birth she named Isaac.
Mother's journals told a sad tale of her and Isaac's suffering. She never mentioned me, but lamented the loss of Thomas and Dad relentlessly. She was hyper protective of Isaac, as that was all she had left. If her world had been small before, it became microscopic after he entered her life, requiring nearly constant care. According to Mother, he was blind and colicky, sometimes going years at a time without sleeping through the night. She had breast fed him for years, but she had to stop after he grew teeth and began biting her intentionally and feeding on her blood.
I spent a lot of time over the next few days pondering what to do. I had to get her estate in order, she had left me the house, in an obvious attempt to get me to continue caretaking for Isaac, but I didn't want it. I had my own cozy home an hour away from here, filled with happy memories and my possessions acquired traveling the world. Mother's home had a heavy energy I couldn't shake. Her and Thomas were both gone, but the memories of the scoldings and beatings hung in every corner, like cobwebs that would never sweep away.
So, I fed Isaac and kept him clean and tried to keep him company, although he seemed to hate me passionately. I took care of him, all the while thinking about what I was going to do. After a week, I felt resolute in what had to be done.
Gathering up all of Mother's journals in a tote, I made my way to Isaac and picked him up and carried everything to the living room.
The ancient logs in the fireplace meant for display ignited instantly. One by one, I fed the journals into the fire, burning away years of my mother's consuming sorrow. Isaac fussed and moaned next to me the entire time. When the last pages shimmered away into lacy ash, I took a throw pillow off the couch and gently cradled Isaac in my other arm. It didn't take long before he stopped struggling and I felt his little body relax after decades of suffering.
I gently wrapped up a bundle in a clown sheet and placed it in the fire. It burned furiously, like the paper in my mother's journals, and was soon gone. Nothing but ashes and embers.
“Don't worry, Mother,” I said purely for my own sake, "I took care of Isaac for you."
And finally, I felt at peace.
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Mother took a drag off her cigarette and sighed as she exhaled, the smoke filled the cabin of the Ford and stung my eyes.
“You really disappointed me today, Julianne," she tapped her cigarette in the ashtray below the dash, "you embarrassed me in front of the other mothers at the Ice Cream Social, shoveling down seconds and thirds like a pig. I thought I raised you better than that.”
She took another drag, daintily holding the cigarette between her perfectly manicured fingers.
“I'm going to have to tell your brother about this," she continued, “he'll have to come up with a punishment fit for a pig."
I felt my stomach drop. My kid brother, Thomas, was only six, but could be exceptionally cruel. Mother seemed to encourage him and was deferring to him more and more frequently for how the house was run, especially concerning my upbringing.
"Mother, please, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to embarrass you. I'm sorry I was a pig and ate so much ice cream. I promise I won't do it again, I'll never eat any ice cream again," I was pleading with stone, unyielding.
“Hush your mouth. Go to your room and wait for Thomas," she put out the cigarette and got out of the car, I had no choice but to follow.
It felt like walking to the gallows as I stepped inside the house and headed towards the stairs to go to my room. Thomas had grown fond recently of physical punishment, he obviously delighted in Mother whipping me with a belt or, recently, Mother had allowed him to start beating me with a wooden spoon. He would squeal and giggle like a normal child watching bubbles in the wind while I screamed. I was dreading whatever was going to happen tonight, I chastised myself for eating that ice cream, I should have known she would show up. My sins were always laid bare.
Down the hall, I could hear Thomas watching television in the den. I only got to watch TV for half an hour on Saturday morning and new episodes of Happy Days with Mother and Thomas. Thomas got to watch all the TV he wanted. He could listen to the radio and turntable as much as he wanted, as loud as he wanted. Thomas had an entire room just for his toys.
I entered my bedroom, it was a space I occupied, but it didn't feel like mine. Mother kept it spartan, white walls and white bedspread. A crucifix over the bed and a painting of Jesus over the door. I had my desk and chair and a dresser with some of the porcelain dolls Daddy gave me before he died that Mother let me keep. That was it.
I placed my book bag down and sat on my bed, waiting for Thomas. It was a while, sitting there with nothing but my own thoughts and staring at the open door. I felt humiliated, I was almost thirteen and my entire life was dictated by my brother. Mother kept the house in constant lockdown to keep Thomas a secret. No outsiders were allowed in. I couldn't have friends because she was afraid I would mention him or sneak a friend in to gawk at my brother and tease him for being different.
I would never make fun of him, I was terrified of him. Terrified of what he was and what he was becoming.
Eventually I heard his heavy footsteps coming up the stairs and I felt my heart start beating faster and my palms began to sweat. I kneaded my skirt in my hands, trying to calm myself and dry my palms. His slow arrhythmic footsteps came down the hall and I watched him as he entered the room.
I couldn't help but internally recoil at his appearance, even though I'd known him since he was born, I could never adjust to how unnatural he appeared. Thomas had been born at home and had never seen a doctor, but he was obviously unwell.
He was six years old and was barely over two feet tall, but very squat and wide. His skin was thick and gray, the whites of his beady eyes were yellow and his hair was wispy and white like an old man's, spreading out like a halo around his gargoyle face. A slight odor of decomposition hung about him, it reminded me faintly of garbage cans on a hot summer day. I hated when Mother made me help him with a bath, his skin felt like old brittle leather that flaked onto my clothes in gray flecks. His body was dense like concrete, I could barely lift him into the tub. Picking him up forced his hair into my face where that smell of rot would fill my nose, causing me to gag, silently, so as not to offend him and draw any ire from him or Mother.
Today, Thomas was wearing bib overalls with a red and green striped sweater underneath, reminding me of a grotesque doll.
“Mama says you acted like a piggy today at the ice cream social,” he spoke up to me in his unsettlingly high pitched, yet raspy voice, like a child that smoked as much as Mother, "you need to come down for dinner right now for your punishment for embarrassing Mama."
He turned and walked back down the stairs and I had no choice but to follow his toddling form downstairs to the dining table. We entered the kitchen and the table was placed with two settings. Mother was already seated and Thomas clambered up into his booster seat at his normal spot next to Mother. She took a drag off her cigarette and motioned vaguely to the floor without even looking at me.
Neatly situated on the linoleum was my dinner, not on a plate, but directly on the floor. A pork chop, scoop of mashed potatoes, and a small pile of peas. No utensils, either.
Thomas giggled with glee upon seeing my face.
“You have Mama's permission now to eat like a piggy, now. No hands! Piggies just use their face!” He stood up in his chair and reached out for Mother’s ash tray and flung it out over my meal, peppering my dinner with cigarette ash and butts.
"Oops! Piggies don't mind trash though, do they, Mama?” he giggled and the sound filled me with rage.
"No, they don't,” Mother replied coolly while maneuvering her ashtray back in place and carefully putting out her cigarette before saying prayer.
As angry as I was, I got down on my hands and knees and did my best at eating what I could without using my hands. I knew if I refused, it would be far worse. The whole meal, Thomas made pig noises and would reach down and poke me with his fork, making comments about what a fat piggy I was and how he wished he could roast and eat me. I doubted Mother would even object if he actually did kill me and eat me.
Gagging my way through another bite of ashy pork chop, I felt a warm splat over my head and heard Thomas giggling. I reached up and felt he had dumped mashed potatoes into my hair.
Choking down tears, I asked Mother if I could clean the floor and bathe. She rolled her eyes and excused me to clear the table for them as well while she changed Thomas into his pajamas. Picking him up, she walked out of the room and Thomas stuck his putrid little purple tongue out at me before they made it out the kitchen door.
I silently cried while I cleared the table and washed the dinner dishes. Tears splashed down as I mopped up the mess from my food on the floor. I hated how awful Thomas was. I hated how they treated me. Ever since Daddy died and Thomas showed up, I was their punching bag. I missed Daddy so much.
Mother was kinder then, too. She was still severe, but Dad kept her tempered. After he died, there was a change that came over her. I was only six, so I didn't remember her too much from before, but I did remember her gushing on and on when she was pregnant with Thomas. How the baby was a gift from Our Heavenly Father, that it was going to complete our broken family.
My sixth birthday happened right after Daddy died and I remember sitting on the patio crying while the house was full of people after the funeral, normally he would have gotten me a new doll and a chocolate bar, instead I was forgotten. No doll. No chocolate. Just funeral potatoes and a house full of cigarette smoke from the adults.
Nobody remembered. The closest thing I got was my dad's sister, Aunt Judy, sitting next to me on the patio step for a few minutes of comfortable silence before giving my shoulder a reassuring squeeze. I don't think she knew her brother was memorialized on my birthday. Next year, Thomas was born the day before my birthday, so it was completely eclipsed as Mother had just birthed her new love into the world…
I stopped mid mop as a lightbulb finally went off. I had never put much thought into the dates before.
Thomas was born a full year after Daddy died. He couldn't be his dad. Who was Thomas’ actual father?
Washing mashed potatoes out of my hair that evening, I ran over and over the timeline. No matter how I parsed it out, Thomas was only my half brother. Going to bed that night, I kept myself awake, going over and over again to make sure. I couldn't remember any men being around at that time, but that didn't mean much. Adults can easily hide things from children. Tension began throbbing through my head and I felt queasy. Mother had always known all of my secrets, able to sniff them out like a bloodhound out or using Thomas to spy. Now I had one of Mother's secrets and I didn't know what to do with it.
First I wanted to confirm it, but it would mean snooping, which was difficult in a house that was rarely left empty. I would have to try finding Mother's calendar book or journal to see if she mentioned any dates or men.
But when could I attempt such a daring maneuver? Thomas hardly left the house. As proud as Mother was of him, she was very cognizant and protective of his differences and didn't want to draw attention to herself or Thomas like that. Mother herself had few social engagements throughout the week and mostly stayed home to watch her golden child.
I finally decided I would take the risk and fake sick on Tuesday, grocery day, so I could stay home from school while she went shopping. All Thomas did all day was watch TV downstairs, so that should give me about an hour to look through her room for clues. I decided to tuck my head down, try to behave as best as I could to avoid their wrath, and wait for Tuesday.
That weekend limped along agonizingly slow. Thomas was in a fine mood and was constantly seeking out a reason to poke me, punch me, slap me… he'd laugh while calling me a piggy with his off-putting wide mouth. I tried to mostly stay in my room and it seemed like neither of them cared.
School on Monday was a relief, but my anxiety ramped up. The consequences would be dire if Mother caught on that I was faking sick to stay home. I didn't even want to imagine how off the leash she'd let my half-brother become in his punishment for that level of insubordination.
I stayed up all night, my stomach was in knots, but I was committed to my plan. Throughout the night, I screamed as hard as I could into my pillow. Screamed until my throat was raw and I could barely talk. It felt cathartic in a way. When it was close to school time, I put on my heaviest flannel pajamas and began doing jumping jacks until my face was flushed and my scalp was soaked with sweat.
Looking in the bathroom mirror before heading down to talk to Mother, I thought I looked pretty convincing, my skin was flushed and sweaty, my eyes had circles under them from lack of sleep, and my voice croaked like a frog.
Heading downstairs, Mother was already feeding Thomas breakfast. I hesitantly stepped into the kitchen and stood there awkwardly for a second, pawing with my pajamas to keep my nerves steady until she noticed my presence and looked up.
“Why aren't you dressed, Julianne?"
"I don't feel well. My throat hurts and my tummy hurts.” My voice graveled out more than I was expecting, I really had hurt my throat.
She strode over to me and placed a cool hand on my sweaty brow.
"You do feel warm. Take an aspirin from the medicine cabinet and go lay back down. I'll check on you later," with that she turned back and walked over to Thomas, who was frozen in place, glaring at me over a forkful of scrambled eggs. The sharp glint of malice in his beady eyes made me shiver before I shuffled out of the kitchen.
I laid in bed, trying my best to look miserable until I eventually heard the faint sound of the television playing in the den as Thomas settled in for his normal daytime routine and the garage door opened as Mother headed to the grocery store. I bounded out of bed and watched the car back out of our driveway and head up the street.
My heart began to pound as I tiptoed down the hall to Mother's bedroom, a place I rarely even caught a glimpse of, let alone entered. I very slowly opened the door, taking great care to not make any noise to alert Thomas downstairs that I was out of bed.
Creeping into the butter yellow room, I could feel my heartbeat pounding in my skull, this was the naughtiest thing I had ever done by far. I stepped onto the rug to help disguise my footsteps and slowly made my way past the brass bed and towards her desk. My hands shook as I opened the top drawer, I pawed through rapidly and found nothing. I checked the next drawer down and again found nothing of interest, just stationary and envelopes.
Finally, the bottom drawer was what I was looking for, a stack of journals from the past decade. I flipped through, trying to find entries relevant to when Daddy died and who Mother slept with afterwards.
I've never fully recovered from what I read.
July 6, 1968
Edgar died today. Car accident. I cannot believe this is real. My light, my life, my anchor... Dr. Benson gave me a sedative at the hospital and I feel so tired. So very, very tired. Why has my Lord forsaken me so?
July 9, 1968
I feel like I am in a very bad dream, I feel numb and disconnected. All the consolation and pity from everyone makes me feel sick. After the memorial, it took everything in me to not break dishes and to scream at everyone to get out of my house. Julianne was moping about crying and I wanted to throw her out, too.
If I hadn't seen my dear Edgar's body in the hospital and held his urn in my own hands, I wouldn't believe he was really gone. I still don't entirely believe it.
I have prayed to God every night asking him to show me why he took my husband from me and I have gotten no answer.
I skimmed over the next few months, as it was more or less similar sentiments repeated night after night. I finally got to an entry that caught my eye.
September 17, 1968
My battle with my faith has been fraught the past few months, but Hallelujah! I feel I can see the Lord again in all his glory and might, for he has given me a way to reconnect to my Edgar!
I was thinking about the night Julianne was born, right in this very home, it was a difficult birth and she struggled to breathe at first. Ingrid, my midwife, made a comment to me that if the baby had failed to wake up on her own, that Ingrid had ways to make sure she would have made it.
I remember asking if it was a medical methodology and she made it clear to me that in certain circumstances, it was a mystical property she used to bring the air of life into a struggling baby's lungs. She gently alluded to being a practicing member of the dark arts. At the time, I felt quite scandalized to have someone like that in my God fearing home. Now I see her as the answer to my prayers! My angel!
On a whim, I called her and asked if she still practiced such techniques. She hesitantly confirmed that she did. I asked, if she could turn breath into the lungs of a child without, could she turn breath into a child that did not exist? Could she magick into existence another child of my beloved Edgar? She told me she had to do some research and she'd be back in touch.
Ingrid just called back after a few hours and said there was a spell she found, but it was dangerous and might have unpleasant results. I said, yes, of course! I trust my Lord and I believe he sent this woman of blessed magick to me for this purpose.
She says we will have to do it soon, in a few days during the new moon. She has a potion to brew, but it is happening! Praise God!
September 23, 1968
The ceremony was last night, and Ingrid believes it was a success, but we will have to wait. It did not take long, only an hour or two. Ingrid lit my bedroom with many beeswax candles and she had me drink a thick and bitter tea that caused me to become quite relaxed and foggy.
From my inner thigh, she cut me and collected my blood in a chalice, with which she mixed quite a lot of Edgar's ashes and other ingredients which I could not glean from my supine position and groggy wits. Ingrid began to chant, calling upon a higher power, as I pleaded with my Lord to let this work. To give me any piece of my Edgar back. She came to the bed and worked the paste between my legs into my womanly chamber, which was very uncomfortable, but manageable with the numbing effects of the tea.
She continued to sit with me and chant, her hand placed over my womb, until she decided at which time it was complete. She left and I fell into a deep sleep. When I woke up this morning, I felt quite uncomfortable, my body ached and when I used the restroom, a yellow fluid like pus poured out of me, but no sign of any ashes or blood, which gives me hope it was absorbed into my womb.
November 3, 1968
Praise be to our Lord, Ingrid just confirmed for me that I am with child, I had been hoping so, I had not gotten my cycle in October, but I wasn't sure if that was because of the discharge like pus that was still coming. She told me that was common with this spell and a side effect that would stop after the baby came.
I feel like I am floating on air, for the first time since Edgar left, I feel-
I suddenly became very aware of the feeling of eyes on the back of my head. I had become too engrossed in what was written before me and I had lost track of my surroundings. Very slowly, I turned around and my heart began pounding again as I saw Thomas standing in the doorway holding his wooden spoon in one hand. How had I not heard him?
He pointed at me with his empty hand and screamed, just a pure guttural screech from somewhere deep inside his disgusting little body. He charged at me from across the room, his horrible feet thumping solidly along the rug. He began beating my legs ruthlessly with the spoon, causing my legs to buckle. I crashed down to my knees in front of him, and he began lashing at my face, pulling my hair with one hand while wailing away at my head with the spoon.
I had dropped the journal I was holding and was desperately trying to get a hand on the spoon or push him away. All I could hear was him screaming. My arms flailed and I reached around on Mother's desk and grabbed onto the first thing I found and sank it into Thomas’ neck.
The end of Mother's gold letter opener protruded under his jaw. He went silent and he looked at me with utter shock. He dropped the spoon and collapsed on the ground, clutching at his neck as his thick black blood oozed out from his wound, letting out a stupendous odor of rot that filled the room. He didn't really say anything or make any noise. He just twitched for a moment and I saw his eyes glaze over.
In shock, I stood over his little body for a moment and I watched as he seemed to mummify in just a few minutes, like an ash person from Pompeii dressed in jeans and a flannel shirt. Even his blood that looked like shiny oil a second ago became like potting soil on Mother's rug. Reaching out to touch his hand, it crumbled away like sand.
Panic ran through me like a rabbit caught in a snare. Not knowing what to do, I ran. I ran down the hall, changed my clothes, put an extra change of clothes in my backpack and the last doll Daddy had ever given me and I ran. Mother would absolutely never forgive me and I was genuinely afraid she would kill me in retaliation for taking her beloved Thomas away from her. Her precious gift from God. My feet flew over the pavement and took me away from that house.
I called my Aunt Judy from a payphone outside the five & dime, and told her Mother had kicked me out and asked if I could stay with her. She had always had a strained relationship with my mother and it didn't take much convincing that she had kicked out her “only” child. Only Mother, Ingrid, and I ever knew about Thomas.
She gave me a home and took care of me. She never beat me or humiliated me. Even with her love, I was far from okay. For years I would close my eyes and hear Thomas scream, then the sudden silence. I'd see him fumbling at his neck and turning to ash. But I would also remember all the ways he would hurt me and how bad he was becoming. I could never talk to anyone about it, especially not the silent relief I felt I refused to admit to myself. Over time, however, Thomas' screams became a whisper and his silence faded into dust in my mind.
I moved on with my life. I went to college and became a photojournalist, getting to travel the world and watch history unfold. By choice, I never married, but was quite blessed with many beautiful friendships for companionship over the decades. I found balance in my life and a sense of happiness, if not peace. I never could quite stomach mashed potatoes again, though, they always taste ashy to me.
Mother never made any attempts to reach out to me or find me, at least that I'm aware of. Ten years ago, I was contacted by a hospital and they said my mother had been admitted earlier after falling and was about to pass, so she must have kept some tabs on me to know my phone number for her emergency contacts. Apparently she had collapsed in the driveway and a neighbor called an ambulance. I got there and her only words to me were, “take care of him," as she placed a locket in my hand. I opened the locket, Jesus was on one side, Thomas on the other. I didn't say anything to her, just held her frail old hand with nicotine stained nails until she passed in the night. My mother was gone and I felt nothing except a vague sense of relief.
When I got to her house, it was like a time capsule. Other than a newer television, it was just like it was when I'd fled so many years ago. The smell of tobacco smoke hung like incense in the air. It felt oppressive, like a tomb.
I wandered the house in a bit of a daze. The one place I didn't want to go was upstairs. I didn't want to see my old room, or Thomas' room, or Mother's. Putting it off, I went to fix myself some supper, realizing I hadn't eaten in almost a day. I took a pause when I opened the fridge and saw a baby bottle on a shelf. Silently praying she had been babysitting for a neighbor, I fixed myself some toast with sardines and sat eating in the den watching TV. It had been almost forty years and it still felt rebellious not eating at the table and watching TV without permission.
My eyes grew heavy and I finally mustered up the gumption to head upstairs to go to bed. The stairs creaked in a familiar way under my feet and I was taken back to the feeling of dread hearing either Mother or Thomas climbing up. My old room was at the top of the stairs, I saw the door was nailed shut and had rambling quotes about Judas copied from the Bible in my mother's handwriting taped to the door. I sighed gently and turned from the door to head down the hallway, deciding Mother's room was probably the best place to sleep.
I passed by Thomas’ toy room and I heard a murmur from the room. I stopped, curiosity got the best of me and I entered. In Thomas' old toy room was a crib with joyful clown sheets. Dread swelled up inside me as I heard more murmurs and saw the sheets move. Approaching slowly, I peaked under the sheet and gasped.
Tucked inside was what looked like a baby gargoyle, gray and papery looking. Pus leaked out of its milky, bulbous eyes. I pulled back the blanket and saw it had no legs and its arms bent back, like wings on a bird. It was wearing just a cloth diaper, overflowing with tarry looking stool that took my breath away with its pungency, it smelled like Thomas’ blood, but somehow worse. My heart broke for this poor creature, Lord only knows how many years it has been in this crib suffering from its unholy existence.
So this is who Mother had wanted me to take care of…
Not knowing what else to do, I gently scooped him up. Like Thomas, he was shockingly heavy for how small his body was. Placing him on the changing table, I cleaned him and rewrapped his bottom in a clean diaper cloth. It was difficult, he fussed tremendously, crying and flopping around as much as his flipper-like arms would allow. I tried wiping off his oozing eyes and he snapped his mouth, which I saw was full of disturbingly square yellow teeth, trying to bite me. I carried him to the kitchen and rocked him while I heated up his bottle and he became furious with me, almost barking like a dog when my hand would get near his face.
He settled a bit as he fed, but he would still sometimes suddenly spit out the bottle and attempt to bite me. I laid him back in his crib, this abomination in a clown sheet, and I walked down the hall to Mother's room letting out a long sigh.
Combing through my mother's journals in the early hours of the morning, it looked like she tried the ceremony again shortly after Thomas died, but she either lacked Ingrid’s help or didn't have enough of my father's ashes left. Something went terribly wrong. She was vaguer than she had been about Thomas’ conception, but I suspect she had used some of Thomas' remains. The resulting birth she named Isaac.
Mother's journals told a sad tale of her and Isaac's suffering. She never mentioned me, but lamented the loss of Thomas and Dad relentlessly. She was hyper protective of Isaac, as that was all she had left. If her world had been small before, it became microscopic after he entered her life, requiring nearly constant care. According to Mother, he was blind and colicky, sometimes going years at a time without sleeping through the night. She had breast fed him for years, but she had to stop after he grew teeth and began biting her intentionally and feeding on her blood.
I spent a lot of time over the next few days pondering what to do. I had to get her estate in order, she had left me the house, in an obvious attempt to get me to continue caretaking for Isaac, but I didn't want it. I had my own cozy home an hour away from here, filled with happy memories and my possessions acquired traveling the world. Mother's home had a heavy energy I couldn't shake. Her and Thomas were both gone, but the memories of the scoldings and beatings hung in every corner, like cobwebs that would never sweep away.
So, I fed Isaac and kept him clean and tried to keep him company, although he seemed to hate me passionately. I took care of him, all the while thinking about what I was going to do. After a week, I felt resolute in what had to be done.
Gathering up all of Mother's journals in a tote, I made my way to Isaac and picked him up and carried everything to the living room.
The ancient logs in the fireplace meant for display ignited instantly. One by one, I fed the journals into the fire, burning away years of my mother's consuming sorrow. Isaac fussed and moaned next to me the entire time. When the last pages shimmered away into lacy ash, I took a throw pillow off the couch and gently cradled Isaac in my other arm. It didn't take long before he stopped struggling and I felt his little body relax after decades of suffering.
I gently wrapped up a bundle in a clown sheet and placed it in the fire. It burned furiously, like the paper in my mother's journals, and was soon gone. Nothing but ashes and embers.
“Don't worry, Mother,” I said purely for my own sake, "I took care of Isaac for you."
And finally, I felt at peace.
2024.05.14 10:41 DeadBoysAngel200 AITA For Breaking Up with My Boyfriend of 4 Months, Because I Fell Out of Love?
I want to know if what I did was wrong, or something I really needed to do.
From November 25th-December 27th, 2023 I (F23 at the time) dated Brad (M25), before he left me saying he needed to change the kind of man he was. He even promised when he worked on himself, he'd come back and date me. Ok, I got that and even though it hurt I let him have his space. When around my birthday in January of 2024, I found out he might have been with a new girl, but no proof.
Around this time a friend, Scott (M26 at the time) I had made a few months prior to this had asked me out around November, which I turned down due to my relationship with Brad. And even if I wasn't, I didn't know Scott that well at the time. He asked me again in late January, and told him I just wasn't ready for a new relationship yet. He then asked 2 or 3 times after and I finally agreed on Feb 9th, because even though I couldn't prove the new girls' existence yet, things Brad did seem off. And in my heart, I knew he wasn't coming back, and it was time to move on.
I did start caring and loving Scott, now my new boyfriend. Was there for him when he was having depressive and mental health problems. Stuck around and he called me every day of his 1 or 2 weeks in the mental hospital, due to a fight he had. The fight was due to some other guy causing issues and making fun of him about his mental health. Was even the first to tell him happy birthday in April of this year. Was there for him when his family didn't come to see him a week or so later. We had a rough patch when he introduced me to another friend of his, Dylan (M21) and he had issues of depression and unaliving attempts. Scott thought I was falling for Dylan which wasn't true. I'm the kind of person who if I see someone in pain I try to help when and where I can.
Almost as soon as me and Scott got together he wanted seggy time things. but since we were long distance nothing really happened other than him showing himself on camera. I never was in the mood at that time because I was on my period and I'm not very segual during that time. But even after I was just never interested. I didn't think of it at the time, and just played it off as, it is long distance and just didn't seen a want or need to do it.
Once May rolled around I just felt completely off. Like something wasn't and I didn't know why. For about a week Scott was having major mental health episodes and his family even told him they didn't care about him and didn't like visiting more than a week or so at a time. For 3 or so days I started having panic attacks because the off feeling was getting worse, and due to Scott telling me that something his dad said he wasn't going to help him or allow him to fly to my state to visit me. And even if he did, Scott would have to wait at least 4 years to even see me. And on Day 1 of our relationship, he had the next 4 years planned for us. How our love went, plans for kids, him visiting me, what kind of ring he wanted to have for me, (he said he had a rose quarts rock he was going to get shaped and sized for both of us to have matching rings), among other things. Don't get me wrong, I didn't mind making future plans, but it all seemed set in stone the very moment I said yes. and Scott himself told me, "I feel like I should break up with you, because what would be the point to keep the relationship if I will never get to see you in the future."
There was even a moment when he texted Dylan's girlfriend, to tell me that he was having a hard time putting into words that we weren't being intimate enough. It did upset me a little bit, but I did kind of understand him I guess. I was never opening up to be segual with him.
Anyway, for 3 days I was texting my friend that I just had a over all off feeling that I couldn't place, I was worried and I didn't know why. I didn't even know it was feelings about mine and Scott's relationship. Then when he said what he did about maybe breaking up with me, I freaked out because we were almost 4 months in our relationship. But then after a moment of thinking I was realizing I was wanting him to leave me. I wanted him to break up with me. And I wasn't sure why I was wanting it. Then the next day I texted my friend saying I think I had fallen out of love with Scott, and if I was a bad person for my feelings changing and wanting to break up. I was awake all night worried about it, and worried how he would take it. I worried about how hurt I was going to make him. And on the morning of May 9th, the very day of our 4th month I built up enough courage to tell him I wanted to end things. I will tell you, I have never seen a man cry so hard hearing the news. As of writing this, this was 5 days ago, and ever since then he has called me every day asking me the same question, "Why did you break up with me, and why or how did you fall out of love with me?"
I keep telling him every day none of it was about him, and that it was all about my feelings. That I still love and care about him as a friend, and was still here for him. That I wanted him to be ok. Because in the past 5 days he has self harmed, said he was going to unalive himself (I think he tried at least once but I'm not sure), and he lost motivation for anything and everything. He cries every day. So do I because I hate that I hurt him. Begging for me back. Asking if I will come back. I'm not sure if I will come back and I can't promise either way. He even got mad that I told a friend of his, Jack (M, but unsure of his age) that lives in the same town as him to check on him because I thought he was dead.
Scott even asked me at one point when I told him I was on call with Jack because he was checking on me, if Jack was my new man. Jack is married and even sees me as a sister. So no, Jack isn't my new man.
Tonight he called me asking yet again why I felt like I needed to break up, and why didn't I just stay. Scott claims that he wouldn't have cared if I stayed in the relationship not loving him. But I knew if I stayed, he'd of found and would have been hurt way worse than I already hurt him. And not only is he now shutting out all of his friends, but he is also deleting his apps to vanish from everyone for a while. I don't think he'll delete accounts, but just delete the apps on his phone. And even though I tell him I am still here for him as a friend, he doesn't think he could stay around and speak to me. Which I do understand, but I know if he vanishes on the whole world I am afraid he'd do something else to hurt himself.
AITA for all of this? Or am I valid for leaving because I no longer have feelings for him?
submitted by DeadBoysAngel200 to CharlotteDobreYouTube [link] [comments]
From November 25th-December 27th, 2023 I (F23 at the time) dated Brad (M25), before he left me saying he needed to change the kind of man he was. He even promised when he worked on himself, he'd come back and date me. Ok, I got that and even though it hurt I let him have his space. When around my birthday in January of 2024, I found out he might have been with a new girl, but no proof.
Around this time a friend, Scott (M26 at the time) I had made a few months prior to this had asked me out around November, which I turned down due to my relationship with Brad. And even if I wasn't, I didn't know Scott that well at the time. He asked me again in late January, and told him I just wasn't ready for a new relationship yet. He then asked 2 or 3 times after and I finally agreed on Feb 9th, because even though I couldn't prove the new girls' existence yet, things Brad did seem off. And in my heart, I knew he wasn't coming back, and it was time to move on.
I did start caring and loving Scott, now my new boyfriend. Was there for him when he was having depressive and mental health problems. Stuck around and he called me every day of his 1 or 2 weeks in the mental hospital, due to a fight he had. The fight was due to some other guy causing issues and making fun of him about his mental health. Was even the first to tell him happy birthday in April of this year. Was there for him when his family didn't come to see him a week or so later. We had a rough patch when he introduced me to another friend of his, Dylan (M21) and he had issues of depression and unaliving attempts. Scott thought I was falling for Dylan which wasn't true. I'm the kind of person who if I see someone in pain I try to help when and where I can.
Almost as soon as me and Scott got together he wanted seggy time things. but since we were long distance nothing really happened other than him showing himself on camera. I never was in the mood at that time because I was on my period and I'm not very segual during that time. But even after I was just never interested. I didn't think of it at the time, and just played it off as, it is long distance and just didn't seen a want or need to do it.
Once May rolled around I just felt completely off. Like something wasn't and I didn't know why. For about a week Scott was having major mental health episodes and his family even told him they didn't care about him and didn't like visiting more than a week or so at a time. For 3 or so days I started having panic attacks because the off feeling was getting worse, and due to Scott telling me that something his dad said he wasn't going to help him or allow him to fly to my state to visit me. And even if he did, Scott would have to wait at least 4 years to even see me. And on Day 1 of our relationship, he had the next 4 years planned for us. How our love went, plans for kids, him visiting me, what kind of ring he wanted to have for me, (he said he had a rose quarts rock he was going to get shaped and sized for both of us to have matching rings), among other things. Don't get me wrong, I didn't mind making future plans, but it all seemed set in stone the very moment I said yes. and Scott himself told me, "I feel like I should break up with you, because what would be the point to keep the relationship if I will never get to see you in the future."
There was even a moment when he texted Dylan's girlfriend, to tell me that he was having a hard time putting into words that we weren't being intimate enough. It did upset me a little bit, but I did kind of understand him I guess. I was never opening up to be segual with him.
Anyway, for 3 days I was texting my friend that I just had a over all off feeling that I couldn't place, I was worried and I didn't know why. I didn't even know it was feelings about mine and Scott's relationship. Then when he said what he did about maybe breaking up with me, I freaked out because we were almost 4 months in our relationship. But then after a moment of thinking I was realizing I was wanting him to leave me. I wanted him to break up with me. And I wasn't sure why I was wanting it. Then the next day I texted my friend saying I think I had fallen out of love with Scott, and if I was a bad person for my feelings changing and wanting to break up. I was awake all night worried about it, and worried how he would take it. I worried about how hurt I was going to make him. And on the morning of May 9th, the very day of our 4th month I built up enough courage to tell him I wanted to end things. I will tell you, I have never seen a man cry so hard hearing the news. As of writing this, this was 5 days ago, and ever since then he has called me every day asking me the same question, "Why did you break up with me, and why or how did you fall out of love with me?"
I keep telling him every day none of it was about him, and that it was all about my feelings. That I still love and care about him as a friend, and was still here for him. That I wanted him to be ok. Because in the past 5 days he has self harmed, said he was going to unalive himself (I think he tried at least once but I'm not sure), and he lost motivation for anything and everything. He cries every day. So do I because I hate that I hurt him. Begging for me back. Asking if I will come back. I'm not sure if I will come back and I can't promise either way. He even got mad that I told a friend of his, Jack (M, but unsure of his age) that lives in the same town as him to check on him because I thought he was dead.
Scott even asked me at one point when I told him I was on call with Jack because he was checking on me, if Jack was my new man. Jack is married and even sees me as a sister. So no, Jack isn't my new man.
Tonight he called me asking yet again why I felt like I needed to break up, and why didn't I just stay. Scott claims that he wouldn't have cared if I stayed in the relationship not loving him. But I knew if I stayed, he'd of found and would have been hurt way worse than I already hurt him. And not only is he now shutting out all of his friends, but he is also deleting his apps to vanish from everyone for a while. I don't think he'll delete accounts, but just delete the apps on his phone. And even though I tell him I am still here for him as a friend, he doesn't think he could stay around and speak to me. Which I do understand, but I know if he vanishes on the whole world I am afraid he'd do something else to hurt himself.
AITA for all of this? Or am I valid for leaving because I no longer have feelings for him?
2024.05.14 10:39 Adept_Material3891 My (26m) girlfriend(26f) seems to be checking out, I’m trying to salvage things because I love her and we have kids. Advice?
We’ve been together for 4 and a half years basically. We’ve know each other for 10. Liked each other in high school, life happened, I moved away, she had a kid, found our way back to each other, and ended up having a child of our own 2 years ago. To try and summarize, she feels once our daughter was born, that I got too comfortable and acted as though I knew she wasn’t going anywhere. I worked overnight construction for years, even before we got together, made it to a superintendent position, with a job where I averaged anywhere from 65-80+ hours a week. She was home with the kids, I didn’t make enough to put the kids in daycare, and couldn’t commit to any kind of permanent arrangement to assist her with taking care of the kids so she could work. The goal, since before we got together, was for me to leave my trade, but I made more money doing that, than we would have if we both started entry level jobs, not to mention then having to pay for daycares. I was offered help by my mother who lived out of state to bring me family over there with promises of help so we could make the changes necessary to restructure our life and improve our situation. I got here, worked in my same trade for a few months until the rain season began, and she immediately began her course to become a CNA, then started work as one, and makes decent money. Well she made a friend there, who I honestly can’t stand. I have NEVER told her who she can and can’t see, hang out with, talk to, nothing like that, she’s never given me a reason to doubt her, she has always been a loyal person and very honest. This friend of hers, without spending time on all the details and making this post even longer, tries encouraging my girlfriend to do things or think certain ways that I feel are detrimental to our relationship. Telling her she should start an OF, is one example, and when my girlfriend vented to her about an issue we had, told her that I am a narcissist like every guy she’s been with and to just leave me.
For some context, I forgot our anniversary. I think I’ve forgotten it almost every year, because it wasn’t really a special occasion, we talked about it a few months into our relationship basically saying “hey we’re dating right? Like this is official? What do we tell people if they ask what our anniversary is? Okay cool, sounds good, moving on.” I get it, that mindset was wrong of me. I also procrastinate on things like holidays, birthdays, whatever, and have had some instances where I really should have tried harder to make her feel special and appreciated. I used to do the hallmark movie corny stuff, I used to have a notebook I’d write in when I got home in the mornings while she was asleep about how I loved her, she’s beautiful, I appreciate her, blah blah. One time I set a path from the front door to the upstairs bath with candles, flower petals, where a bath was drawn, with red lights for ambiance and a bath bomb for her. It fell off because the honey moon phase ended, although I feel it lasted a long time, and life events happened that lead to some emotional dry spells on her part where she wasn’t ready to receive affection, her grandmother passing, having a miscarriage far along in our first pregnancy together, her step father dying, and then also the stresses of my job wearing me out, and getting comfortable subconsciously telling myself that even though I don’t always do those same things anymore, she knows I think she’s the greatest and I love her.
I have a bad habit that I’ve been working on for a few months now, where if she’d bring up things that made me nervous to think about or stress me out to plan, I would play too much and not take the situations seriously, and make her not feel heard as a result. I always teased that I don’t believe in legally getting married, that I’d take her to the courthouse and let her change her last name to mine and then we can have a ceremony after. 2 years ago I told her that wasn’t the case, and we finally talked about it where I told her that once our situation is right, in marrying her. I know in hindsight that I should have still placed it as a higher priority, but we never really talked about it further, and she clung to what I’d said before that about us never getting married. When our fighting started getting bad about 2 months ago, and we finally communicated what the underlying root of her unhappiness was, I had a huge perspective change. Some other big events happened, my step father who we lived with overdosed from fentanyl in our basement, and really changed my perspective on life and how quickly things can end and change and blah blah, to where I told her that I don’t want to fight, she is my one, and I want to marry her. She basically took it as me saying it out of fear to get her to stay. I’ve been trying to show her that I want to make the effort she is asking for. That she is as special to me as I say, but now in her mind she is taking an approach of “why did it take 4 years to get to this point.”
I never try to deny responsibility for my actions, I always try to be quick to reflect and acknowledge where I may have been wrong. But now I almost feel like my readiness to say okay I messed up by getting comfortable and not making you feel heard in these situations and everything else I’ve talked about, kind of seems like I’ve only made her feel completely validated in her idea that I have messed up for 4 years and just not appreciated her. I almost want to tell her that yes, I have slowed down and gotten comfortable, but no, there’s are so many examples of times I’ve still shown you how much I cared. I fear doing so will come off argumentative, and give her more fuel to the fire of her friend calling me a narcissist. Side note: she has since stopped getting advice from that friend, because she did come to the conclusion that her friend does not have her best interest, and has seen an uglier side to her as time has gone on, but I feel the seeds of discord have been sown.
I’m so sorry, I hope some of you with good intentions stick through all of this, and I know there’s other context that could help, but I guess I just need some ideas on what to do. 7 weeks ago we started fighting over petty day to day things, 5 weeks ago we finally established her root of unhappiness, 4 weeks ago she said she needed space, 2-3 weeks ago we said we were taking a break, and I feel her feelings of negativity have only grown. I’ve sucked at giving space admittedly, as time goes on I’ve gotten better though I fear damage has been further done by not doing great about accepting her request for space. Idk, we have a child together, I love both of the children like they’re my own blood, I’ve never felt this happy in a relationship (I know I’m young, still) and now that we’re finally hitting our goals with our lifestyle changes and career changes, now she’s finally gotten to this point of giving up.
Do I try giving her space, doing my own thing and seeing if that separation and seeing my positive activities draws her back in? Or has it gone on so long that that’s not going to work? Do I try saying finally “hey I acknowledge my mistakes, but in your attempts to focus on my wrong doings I feel like you’re ignoring all the good things I did and I’d like you to try remembering those? I don’t hit her, cuss at her, our heated fights can probably be counted on 1, maybe 2 hands, I don’t cheat, I provide, I’ve taken care of the kids just about by myself for the past 5 months to give her room to get her new profession down, I cook and clean every night, not to be crass but our intimate life is very good, I know I deliver for her on that account, and I’m someone who is always willing to apologize and adapt and adjust. Any advice that isn’t slanderous to either of us would be awesome, I get at this point that if it’s too late then I need to just start preparing for that eventuality and working on myself, but for the sake of keeping my family together, I want to exhaust all of my options to make this work.
submitted by Adept_Material3891 to relationship_advice [link] [comments]
For some context, I forgot our anniversary. I think I’ve forgotten it almost every year, because it wasn’t really a special occasion, we talked about it a few months into our relationship basically saying “hey we’re dating right? Like this is official? What do we tell people if they ask what our anniversary is? Okay cool, sounds good, moving on.” I get it, that mindset was wrong of me. I also procrastinate on things like holidays, birthdays, whatever, and have had some instances where I really should have tried harder to make her feel special and appreciated. I used to do the hallmark movie corny stuff, I used to have a notebook I’d write in when I got home in the mornings while she was asleep about how I loved her, she’s beautiful, I appreciate her, blah blah. One time I set a path from the front door to the upstairs bath with candles, flower petals, where a bath was drawn, with red lights for ambiance and a bath bomb for her. It fell off because the honey moon phase ended, although I feel it lasted a long time, and life events happened that lead to some emotional dry spells on her part where she wasn’t ready to receive affection, her grandmother passing, having a miscarriage far along in our first pregnancy together, her step father dying, and then also the stresses of my job wearing me out, and getting comfortable subconsciously telling myself that even though I don’t always do those same things anymore, she knows I think she’s the greatest and I love her.
I have a bad habit that I’ve been working on for a few months now, where if she’d bring up things that made me nervous to think about or stress me out to plan, I would play too much and not take the situations seriously, and make her not feel heard as a result. I always teased that I don’t believe in legally getting married, that I’d take her to the courthouse and let her change her last name to mine and then we can have a ceremony after. 2 years ago I told her that wasn’t the case, and we finally talked about it where I told her that once our situation is right, in marrying her. I know in hindsight that I should have still placed it as a higher priority, but we never really talked about it further, and she clung to what I’d said before that about us never getting married. When our fighting started getting bad about 2 months ago, and we finally communicated what the underlying root of her unhappiness was, I had a huge perspective change. Some other big events happened, my step father who we lived with overdosed from fentanyl in our basement, and really changed my perspective on life and how quickly things can end and change and blah blah, to where I told her that I don’t want to fight, she is my one, and I want to marry her. She basically took it as me saying it out of fear to get her to stay. I’ve been trying to show her that I want to make the effort she is asking for. That she is as special to me as I say, but now in her mind she is taking an approach of “why did it take 4 years to get to this point.”
I never try to deny responsibility for my actions, I always try to be quick to reflect and acknowledge where I may have been wrong. But now I almost feel like my readiness to say okay I messed up by getting comfortable and not making you feel heard in these situations and everything else I’ve talked about, kind of seems like I’ve only made her feel completely validated in her idea that I have messed up for 4 years and just not appreciated her. I almost want to tell her that yes, I have slowed down and gotten comfortable, but no, there’s are so many examples of times I’ve still shown you how much I cared. I fear doing so will come off argumentative, and give her more fuel to the fire of her friend calling me a narcissist. Side note: she has since stopped getting advice from that friend, because she did come to the conclusion that her friend does not have her best interest, and has seen an uglier side to her as time has gone on, but I feel the seeds of discord have been sown.
I’m so sorry, I hope some of you with good intentions stick through all of this, and I know there’s other context that could help, but I guess I just need some ideas on what to do. 7 weeks ago we started fighting over petty day to day things, 5 weeks ago we finally established her root of unhappiness, 4 weeks ago she said she needed space, 2-3 weeks ago we said we were taking a break, and I feel her feelings of negativity have only grown. I’ve sucked at giving space admittedly, as time goes on I’ve gotten better though I fear damage has been further done by not doing great about accepting her request for space. Idk, we have a child together, I love both of the children like they’re my own blood, I’ve never felt this happy in a relationship (I know I’m young, still) and now that we’re finally hitting our goals with our lifestyle changes and career changes, now she’s finally gotten to this point of giving up.
Do I try giving her space, doing my own thing and seeing if that separation and seeing my positive activities draws her back in? Or has it gone on so long that that’s not going to work? Do I try saying finally “hey I acknowledge my mistakes, but in your attempts to focus on my wrong doings I feel like you’re ignoring all the good things I did and I’d like you to try remembering those? I don’t hit her, cuss at her, our heated fights can probably be counted on 1, maybe 2 hands, I don’t cheat, I provide, I’ve taken care of the kids just about by myself for the past 5 months to give her room to get her new profession down, I cook and clean every night, not to be crass but our intimate life is very good, I know I deliver for her on that account, and I’m someone who is always willing to apologize and adapt and adjust. Any advice that isn’t slanderous to either of us would be awesome, I get at this point that if it’s too late then I need to just start preparing for that eventuality and working on myself, but for the sake of keeping my family together, I want to exhaust all of my options to make this work.
2024.05.14 10:37 CopperKettle1978 Odd feelings on left side of body; lesion on MRI scan, in tectum area - associated or not?
Hi! I'm a male, 46 yo, 1.68 meters tall, 65 kg. In 2000, while preparing for a corneal transplant due to rapidly declining vision acuity caused by keratoconus I was feeling bad (pulsating pain in left arm, headaches, numb small finger on left arm). Going through different doctors, I was diagnosed with diabetes (marked as "probably MODY"), and put on a diet. Each time I ate too much, I started feeling bad again, but my blood sugar remained normal. In 2003 I was hospitalized again in the endocrinology ward, and again discharged on diet with 'diabetes', despite normal sugars; also was sent to geneticists, but they found nothing.
In 2010, while studying at courses (preparation for an institute), I went off the diet and ate more, because I was feeling tired; basically it was not overeating in normal person's terms; my blood sugars were okay. This overeating caused a kind of stressed stuporous state, but I persisted; I started having weird sensations in my left arm again.
After some days I had a "stroke-like episode" with dizziness and a kind of numbness in the left half of the lips, left arm, left foot. I was afraid and went back to my strict diet, took some cardio aspirin, resumed taking an ACE inhibitor, despite normal pressure. This was when I first had an MRI scan of the brain, and it revealed only an unrelated tumor of the trigeminal nerve (1 by 2 cm, invading a bit into the left orbital cavity), described as "probably a schwannoma" - this tumor has not grown a bit ever since, it has the same size on all scans since 2010. Except this tumor, located in the left cavernous sinus, nothing was found.
After this stroke-like episode, I could not properly read texts - upon reading, I was having attacks of dizziness and sudden strong ear blockage, a kind of 'airplane ear', and sensations of heaviness in my left arm. The same happened upon starting each meal. I was afraid of subsequent episodes, so I went on a really strict diet.
I then had myself hospitalized in the same endocrinology ward and asked the docs there to finally discover what this so-called "diabetes" was, with neurological symptoms and with normal blood sugars. They instead decided to put me on insulin therapy, on tiny doses, only 3 units of ultra-fast Apidra insulin per meal, with no long-acting insulin. Their reasoning was that I was having "anorexia nervosa" and that the insulin would "make me eat more". No amount of describing my neurological symptoms would dissuade them.
I signed an informed refusal to start on insulin, and they discharged me with a diagnosis of "diabetes, probably MODY" again. I then nearly starved myself, being afraid of overeating and having a new stroke-like episode. I could not read, so I spent time listening to audiobooks. Then, half-starved, I had myself voluntarily hospitalized there again and consented to start on this microdosing insulin treatment in November 2011.
Surprizingly, on this microdosing insulin regimen my strange left-sided sensations gradually diminished, over the course of the next 6 months, and I could read again without sudden attacks of "airplane ear" and dizziness and feelings of "my left arm is weirdly heavy/stiff all of a sudden". By the end of 2012, I was working as a translator, studying for a university again, jogging and bicycling.
On 20 April 2018 I had an attack of lower back pain after a bicycle ride in the cold; had some etorixocib prescribed for it; the pain went away in mere days, and bouts of severe fatigue set in. After each bicycle ride, however light, I was having 2 to 3 days of not being able to do anything. I could not translate, I was mentally too slow. My total urinary 24h cortisol was constantly at about 150% of the upper range and my blood potassium was slightly elevated. Doctors found nothing, I went to the psychiatry hospital and they found "sub-depression" (their tests showed that I was 1 point short of being in "light depression). We decided to try out escitalopram, and it worked - my cortisol normalized, I could work again.
In November 2020 I started having bouts of heavy feeling in my left flank some 1 hour after each meal, accompanied with extreme fatigue which lasted for many hours, until the food went completely through the GI tract. I could not work again: slow thinking, tiredness. In the summer 2023 I was hospitalized in the gastro ward of the same hospital, but they found nothing.
While in the gastro ward, I was asked to undergo a planned hospitalization for my diabetes, since they noticed that I had no such hospitalization ever since 2011. I said that I would only consent to that if during my stay I would be re-tested for the presence of diabetes, because I was highly suspicious on whether I actually had it. They agreed, and during my stay in the endo ward, I had a glucose tolerance test accompanied with two measurements of C-peptide. This revealed that my pancreas was producing insulin and I had no diabetes.
I still had several days to remain in the endo ward, so the doc and me decided that I would eat a lot of carb-rich food, and track my blood sugars with the Bluetooth sensor they put on my upper arm. I treated myself to cookies and honey and stuff, and my sugars were just fine - but I suddenly had the same neurological feelings that had vanished in 2012 upon starting on the microdose insulin regimen.
So I was discharged from that unit for the fifth time since 2000, only this time with "no diabetes" in my discharge paper instead of "diabetes, probably MODY" -- but I go on injecting micro-doses of insulin before meals, because otherwise the 'airplane ear' and 'heavy left arm' and 'numb left part of lips/external fingers on left foot/hand' reemerge. Stopping insulin increases these sensations, restarting insulin brings them gradually down.
I was sent to the geneticists again, and as a condition for seeing me they had me take another MRI scan. This time, to my amazement, the radiologist's impression contained a mention of a "lesion in the right part of the corpora quadrigemina area, probably an area of gliosis". The geneticists did some dry blood spot testing and found nothing.
I went to my neurosurgeon and asked what this lesion in the tectum (corpora quadrigemina) could be. She took all the MRI scans dating back to 2015 which I had with me, and after perusing them for a long time said that the same spot is visible on all previous scans; and that she has no idea what it is, but the spot is of the same size, so she indends to pursue watchful waiting, with follow-up MRI scans every 2 years.
I went home and managed to find the rest of the MRI scans dating back to February 2010, shortly after my "stroke-like episode". I can see the lesion there.
I have these questions: 1) Why would radiologists not mention a midbrain lesion in their impression papers for years? Is it clinically insignificant? 2) Could a lesion there be somehow related to my odd sensations? 3) What could have caused the lesion to arise there in the first place, while I was only 32 years old, or even 22 years old (if it arose there in 2000)? 4) Why insulin treatment diminishes these sensations, while going off insulin and eating a lot of carbs makes them worse?
What can I do to research my condition further? I have little confidence in local doctors in Russia, having been treated for a non-existent diabetes for 23 years. Recently I had some stress at work (my attention is flagging, so I had to go from being a translator to being a food delivery person), and my left arm is feeling heavy sometimes, despite the insulin, and I have weird sensations of being a little clumsy, despite not being clumsy in reality.
I'm ready to provide additional information. I'm currently taking 150 mg venlafaxine, 75 mcg thyroxine, 5 mg rosuvastatin, and 1600 to 2000 mcg methylfolate daily. I visit a psychiatrist for a follow up and to renew drug prescriptions. I'm trying to save for a psychotherapist, but my salary is peanuts, so I haven't been able thus far.
I have MRI scans from 2010, 2012, 2013, 2015, 2016, 2018, 2022 and 2024 - the lesion is visible on each of them, but is described only on the radiologist's impression from the spring of 2024. I can upload the scans somewhere if necessary. The lesion is described as "a T2-enhancing area, 6 by 6 by 8 mm in size, with no mass effect".
submitted by CopperKettle1978 to AskDocs [link] [comments]
In 2010, while studying at courses (preparation for an institute), I went off the diet and ate more, because I was feeling tired; basically it was not overeating in normal person's terms; my blood sugars were okay. This overeating caused a kind of stressed stuporous state, but I persisted; I started having weird sensations in my left arm again.
After some days I had a "stroke-like episode" with dizziness and a kind of numbness in the left half of the lips, left arm, left foot. I was afraid and went back to my strict diet, took some cardio aspirin, resumed taking an ACE inhibitor, despite normal pressure. This was when I first had an MRI scan of the brain, and it revealed only an unrelated tumor of the trigeminal nerve (1 by 2 cm, invading a bit into the left orbital cavity), described as "probably a schwannoma" - this tumor has not grown a bit ever since, it has the same size on all scans since 2010. Except this tumor, located in the left cavernous sinus, nothing was found.
After this stroke-like episode, I could not properly read texts - upon reading, I was having attacks of dizziness and sudden strong ear blockage, a kind of 'airplane ear', and sensations of heaviness in my left arm. The same happened upon starting each meal. I was afraid of subsequent episodes, so I went on a really strict diet.
I then had myself hospitalized in the same endocrinology ward and asked the docs there to finally discover what this so-called "diabetes" was, with neurological symptoms and with normal blood sugars. They instead decided to put me on insulin therapy, on tiny doses, only 3 units of ultra-fast Apidra insulin per meal, with no long-acting insulin. Their reasoning was that I was having "anorexia nervosa" and that the insulin would "make me eat more". No amount of describing my neurological symptoms would dissuade them.
I signed an informed refusal to start on insulin, and they discharged me with a diagnosis of "diabetes, probably MODY" again. I then nearly starved myself, being afraid of overeating and having a new stroke-like episode. I could not read, so I spent time listening to audiobooks. Then, half-starved, I had myself voluntarily hospitalized there again and consented to start on this microdosing insulin treatment in November 2011.
Surprizingly, on this microdosing insulin regimen my strange left-sided sensations gradually diminished, over the course of the next 6 months, and I could read again without sudden attacks of "airplane ear" and dizziness and feelings of "my left arm is weirdly heavy/stiff all of a sudden". By the end of 2012, I was working as a translator, studying for a university again, jogging and bicycling.
On 20 April 2018 I had an attack of lower back pain after a bicycle ride in the cold; had some etorixocib prescribed for it; the pain went away in mere days, and bouts of severe fatigue set in. After each bicycle ride, however light, I was having 2 to 3 days of not being able to do anything. I could not translate, I was mentally too slow. My total urinary 24h cortisol was constantly at about 150% of the upper range and my blood potassium was slightly elevated. Doctors found nothing, I went to the psychiatry hospital and they found "sub-depression" (their tests showed that I was 1 point short of being in "light depression). We decided to try out escitalopram, and it worked - my cortisol normalized, I could work again.
In November 2020 I started having bouts of heavy feeling in my left flank some 1 hour after each meal, accompanied with extreme fatigue which lasted for many hours, until the food went completely through the GI tract. I could not work again: slow thinking, tiredness. In the summer 2023 I was hospitalized in the gastro ward of the same hospital, but they found nothing.
While in the gastro ward, I was asked to undergo a planned hospitalization for my diabetes, since they noticed that I had no such hospitalization ever since 2011. I said that I would only consent to that if during my stay I would be re-tested for the presence of diabetes, because I was highly suspicious on whether I actually had it. They agreed, and during my stay in the endo ward, I had a glucose tolerance test accompanied with two measurements of C-peptide. This revealed that my pancreas was producing insulin and I had no diabetes.
I still had several days to remain in the endo ward, so the doc and me decided that I would eat a lot of carb-rich food, and track my blood sugars with the Bluetooth sensor they put on my upper arm. I treated myself to cookies and honey and stuff, and my sugars were just fine - but I suddenly had the same neurological feelings that had vanished in 2012 upon starting on the microdose insulin regimen.
So I was discharged from that unit for the fifth time since 2000, only this time with "no diabetes" in my discharge paper instead of "diabetes, probably MODY" -- but I go on injecting micro-doses of insulin before meals, because otherwise the 'airplane ear' and 'heavy left arm' and 'numb left part of lips/external fingers on left foot/hand' reemerge. Stopping insulin increases these sensations, restarting insulin brings them gradually down.
I was sent to the geneticists again, and as a condition for seeing me they had me take another MRI scan. This time, to my amazement, the radiologist's impression contained a mention of a "lesion in the right part of the corpora quadrigemina area, probably an area of gliosis". The geneticists did some dry blood spot testing and found nothing.
I went to my neurosurgeon and asked what this lesion in the tectum (corpora quadrigemina) could be. She took all the MRI scans dating back to 2015 which I had with me, and after perusing them for a long time said that the same spot is visible on all previous scans; and that she has no idea what it is, but the spot is of the same size, so she indends to pursue watchful waiting, with follow-up MRI scans every 2 years.
I went home and managed to find the rest of the MRI scans dating back to February 2010, shortly after my "stroke-like episode". I can see the lesion there.
I have these questions: 1) Why would radiologists not mention a midbrain lesion in their impression papers for years? Is it clinically insignificant? 2) Could a lesion there be somehow related to my odd sensations? 3) What could have caused the lesion to arise there in the first place, while I was only 32 years old, or even 22 years old (if it arose there in 2000)? 4) Why insulin treatment diminishes these sensations, while going off insulin and eating a lot of carbs makes them worse?
What can I do to research my condition further? I have little confidence in local doctors in Russia, having been treated for a non-existent diabetes for 23 years. Recently I had some stress at work (my attention is flagging, so I had to go from being a translator to being a food delivery person), and my left arm is feeling heavy sometimes, despite the insulin, and I have weird sensations of being a little clumsy, despite not being clumsy in reality.
I'm ready to provide additional information. I'm currently taking 150 mg venlafaxine, 75 mcg thyroxine, 5 mg rosuvastatin, and 1600 to 2000 mcg methylfolate daily. I visit a psychiatrist for a follow up and to renew drug prescriptions. I'm trying to save for a psychotherapist, but my salary is peanuts, so I haven't been able thus far.
I have MRI scans from 2010, 2012, 2013, 2015, 2016, 2018, 2022 and 2024 - the lesion is visible on each of them, but is described only on the radiologist's impression from the spring of 2024. I can upload the scans somewhere if necessary. The lesion is described as "a T2-enhancing area, 6 by 6 by 8 mm in size, with no mass effect".
2024.05.14 10:32 shaneka69 Get A Tarot Reading Today! ALL READINGS SENT SAME DAY THEY ARE BOOKED
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submitted by shaneka69 to mytarotreadings [link] [comments]
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2024.05.14 10:30 HollerWaller Considering moving for the first time in my life to be with my boyfriend
Hello everyone 👋
I'd be grateful for some advice. I'm a 27f who's strongly considering moving 1 state over to be with my 33yr boyfriend, but I've never moved before and I'm terrified.
He and I have been dating for the better part of 2 years. We're both from California but he moved to Oregon about 8 months ago. He's asked me to move with him since he left.
I still, and have always lived with my family since it's so expensive in California. Its the house I grew up in and I've never had a real reason to leave home. I have a good relationship with my parents and was always encouraged to stay. Though now, I feel like I've hit a plateau in some of my personal development. There's nothing really wrong with my life here at home. I live in a great location, my rent is affordable considering the area, I have a reliable job in the service industry, I'm liked by my coworkers and customers, I have wonderful friends, and of course my family who I'm close to.
But since I graduated college 2yrs ago and my parents splitting up during that time; I've been struggling a little to truly feel content and happy like I once did. I'm easily stressed, I find myself irritable, impatient, and feeling bad about myself more often. I don't feel terrible everyday though, so I'm worried I'm being dramatic.
My boyfriend is fiercely independent and a quick to decisions. He really stuggles with depression and he was working a corporate job and paying high rent for a small apartment. He seemed wildly unhappy, so when he unexpectedly inherited some money from family he quickly bought a house. He seems much happier now and more excited about life.
Before he left he expressed regret about leaving me behind but we weren't really in a place in where it made sense to move with him. Additionally I was, and still am afraid of the unknown. Being away from everything and everyone I've ever known gives me anxiety. (though everything gives me anxiety)
Our relationship hasn't always been perfect but nothing bad. We're oppposties in many ways and we've had some miscommunications and have had to establish boundaries. Like any relationship we will continuously work through these things. This has been expressed and agreed upon. Though I do slightly worry about his depression and mental state in general and how that will effect things over time (I guess we'd just have to see) been able to work through it so far.
I think we've supported each other's emotional and personal growth over these years. He seems committed to wanting to make things work with me more than ever. We do love each other. We've seen one another every month and gone on either long or short trips since he's left. I've visited the place where he's moved and it's cute and fun but a bit of a smaller town than what I'm used to. He already has friends in Oregon some new and some old, he's integrated me into the group. His friends think I should move up. But of course when I talk about it with people in my life it's like 50/50 people hate the idea or love it. Obviously the idea of moving for a partner is controversial.
It would be a 180 change for me and I'm very stressed about making it; but I could see the benefits for him, me, and us together. If it goes wrong I could always come home right?
I'd be an 8hr drive away from home 1hr flight. I would be worried about leaving my family since I believe the do rely on me slightly (financially and emotionally). I also wouldn't be excited to leave my job since I feel like they count on me. I'd be sad to let others down. Plus I like it, but at the end of the day it's a bar. I'd miss my friends and family a lot But I'm confident I could establish a new group in time.
At its worst the decision seems very grey and it could be awful - if it fails or I stay home and we eventually break up. But at its best it could be a possibility for needed change, independence, and an opportunity to further my personal development as well as grow into a serious relationship. I wish I was better at this 😞
TL;DR Should I continue building on an established life in my hometown? Or should I take the opportunity to move and start a new life elsewhere for the first time? Potentially very risky but possibly great.
submitted by HollerWaller to relationships [link] [comments]
I'd be grateful for some advice. I'm a 27f who's strongly considering moving 1 state over to be with my 33yr boyfriend, but I've never moved before and I'm terrified.
He and I have been dating for the better part of 2 years. We're both from California but he moved to Oregon about 8 months ago. He's asked me to move with him since he left.
I still, and have always lived with my family since it's so expensive in California. Its the house I grew up in and I've never had a real reason to leave home. I have a good relationship with my parents and was always encouraged to stay. Though now, I feel like I've hit a plateau in some of my personal development. There's nothing really wrong with my life here at home. I live in a great location, my rent is affordable considering the area, I have a reliable job in the service industry, I'm liked by my coworkers and customers, I have wonderful friends, and of course my family who I'm close to.
But since I graduated college 2yrs ago and my parents splitting up during that time; I've been struggling a little to truly feel content and happy like I once did. I'm easily stressed, I find myself irritable, impatient, and feeling bad about myself more often. I don't feel terrible everyday though, so I'm worried I'm being dramatic.
My boyfriend is fiercely independent and a quick to decisions. He really stuggles with depression and he was working a corporate job and paying high rent for a small apartment. He seemed wildly unhappy, so when he unexpectedly inherited some money from family he quickly bought a house. He seems much happier now and more excited about life.
Before he left he expressed regret about leaving me behind but we weren't really in a place in where it made sense to move with him. Additionally I was, and still am afraid of the unknown. Being away from everything and everyone I've ever known gives me anxiety. (though everything gives me anxiety)
Our relationship hasn't always been perfect but nothing bad. We're oppposties in many ways and we've had some miscommunications and have had to establish boundaries. Like any relationship we will continuously work through these things. This has been expressed and agreed upon. Though I do slightly worry about his depression and mental state in general and how that will effect things over time (I guess we'd just have to see) been able to work through it so far.
I think we've supported each other's emotional and personal growth over these years. He seems committed to wanting to make things work with me more than ever. We do love each other. We've seen one another every month and gone on either long or short trips since he's left. I've visited the place where he's moved and it's cute and fun but a bit of a smaller town than what I'm used to. He already has friends in Oregon some new and some old, he's integrated me into the group. His friends think I should move up. But of course when I talk about it with people in my life it's like 50/50 people hate the idea or love it. Obviously the idea of moving for a partner is controversial.
It would be a 180 change for me and I'm very stressed about making it; but I could see the benefits for him, me, and us together. If it goes wrong I could always come home right?
I'd be an 8hr drive away from home 1hr flight. I would be worried about leaving my family since I believe the do rely on me slightly (financially and emotionally). I also wouldn't be excited to leave my job since I feel like they count on me. I'd be sad to let others down. Plus I like it, but at the end of the day it's a bar. I'd miss my friends and family a lot But I'm confident I could establish a new group in time.
At its worst the decision seems very grey and it could be awful - if it fails or I stay home and we eventually break up. But at its best it could be a possibility for needed change, independence, and an opportunity to further my personal development as well as grow into a serious relationship. I wish I was better at this 😞
TL;DR Should I continue building on an established life in my hometown? Or should I take the opportunity to move and start a new life elsewhere for the first time? Potentially very risky but possibly great.
2024.05.14 10:24 BabyDoll373 My bf hates himself more than he loves me
I think my boyfriends hates himself more then he loves me.
I just want to start by saying that I (20f) absolutely love this man (21m) and would do literally anything for him which is why I’m making this post so I sincerely ask that you do not judge too harshly and give me some advice on what to do or how to handle this situation.
FYI, this is a long one. So my boyfriend and I have been together for almost 3 years now and it’s been great. He is my first and only relationship I’ve ever been in and there was definitely a honey moon stage we were in during the beginning but he was always very sweet and loving. He cared about my day, liked talking to me and hearing me rant about things I like/dislike and was very gentle with me and I fell in love with him very fast because he was the first person i felt I could be 100% real and myself around. He’s a big 6”3 teddy bear who I knew going into it didn’t like himself very much because he had loose skin from weight loss, but I was determined to make sure he knew that he was loved and literally my dream man regardless of his scars or skin, which is the same way he treats my scars on my legs which are huge and looks like I was attacked by a tiger. There wasn’t really a big change till about 1 year in when he started having alot of insecurities due to PTSD from his last relationships and not only would that make him snappy but he kept making jokes about me cheating on him with everyone and anyone I had an interaction with, male or female. I couldn’t go anywhere without him needing to know who was there and if it was a guy- no matter who it was, he’d get very angry. I accepted that it was a trauma response and knew his insecurities were valid so I took it all in stride and would calmly make sure he knew that was not the case and would do anything to ease that fear but there were a few times it caused huge problems. One time it triggered my own mental health issues and I screamed at him and had a full blown meltdown down because I was doing everything he said and was honestly being the perfect gf but nothing I did eased his insecurity and he kept lashing out at me. Since then he realized the negative effect the jokes were having on me so he stopped making them and has genuinely learned to trust that I won’t cheat on him but ever since then, it’s like a damn broke and I’m the reciprocator to all of his anger. He doesn’t hit me or call me names unwarranted but he gets very upset at very minor things on a daily basis. At 1 1/2 years into the relationship I learned that his self hatred goes much much deeper than I thought and while his praises and love has helped with my confidence, mine has not helped his at all. In fact, I think the fact that I’m a 5”3 very skinny female and he gained a little bit of healthy relationship weight, made him start hating himself more. He would bring up how it doesn’t make since we’re together and he’s “the ugly one” out of us and how I’m too good for him and I kept praising him and making sure he knew that me, the person who sitting right next to him in bed, loves him more then anything and thinks the world of him but it never helped. I recommended that he go to therapy but he refused saying he wouldn’t want to talk to strangers and that it wouldn’t help even tho I’ve gone for most of my life but I know my experience doesn’t and shouldn’t sway his opinion. I’m no doctor but I have diagnosed borderline personally disorder and severe depression and anxiety and have had to be institutionalized 5 times due to self harm and suicide and again while I’m not a doctor, I’m positive he has anger issues (as is he) and might possibly have BPD, and most definitely has anxiety and depression but he seeks no help for them and knows that they negatively impact him and cause him to lash out at me daily which lowkey makes me hates myself but I try not to take anything personally because I deeply understand what he’s going through. Now at almost 3 years, I don’t even know anymore. Sometimes I’m convinced he hates me and others I fell like the most important person alive but our fighting is at an all time high. He doesn’t care about any hobby of mine and gets annoyed having to listen to me talk about something a lot or for longer than 5 minutes. His family is my family but he doesn’t think my family in his family even tho my family has done a lot for him. He hates holidays, hates doing normal things people do unless he wants to do it. I sometimes find myself feeling like I can’t have anything good in life outside of him or with him + others because everything he does, we do, and I do, is SO hard for him and he reacts out of anger. I haven’t had a fully good holiday since before we dated and I no longer feel like I can have friends nor do I really want them. I don’t even eat with my family anymore because he doesn’t want to and I don’t want to leave him alone. Anytime he’s done anything with my family, I’ve had to force him or he does it out of guilt and then it’s just a bad time because he’s so mad at everything. I’ve made the bad habit of ignoring my own mental health and doing everything and anything for him and now it’s like he forgot that I also have emotions over things and am a human being. He treats me much poorly than he would treat someone he actually hates. I don’t know if it’s because he gained more weight and that he hates himself for all these different reasons or what but having a simple conversation about his emotions and why he’s being snappy is the hardest thing to do for him. So many things go wrong and he handles so many situations wrong and has such negative reactions to almost everything I do that it’s hard for me to function. When I express that, it’s a coin flip on if it’ll start a problem or if he’ll just feel bad and hate himself more. These issues we’ve had and me coddling him in any way I can have caused me to have a couple situations where I bottle things up and explode but it’s been about a handful in 3 years and I can’t be upset or feel strongly about something without him already invalidating it thinking I’m having an episode or freaking out himself. We’ve had arguments everyday over dumb stuff but it’s always him thinking surface level and technically and me thinking about it all from a deeper perspective and him not understand the principle of the situation or why I’m upset ever and constantly bases his entire reaction on his perspective until I explain the same thing in multiple different ways, over and over again. I know this is horrible but I feel like I’ve had to teach him how to be in a healthy relationship and handle his own emotions and while I’m learning about how to be an adult, I’m simultaneously having to teach him how to be one because he’s not doing it himself. He has a job and pays for everything but he doesn’t save and hates himself for that so mostly I feel like I can’t speak because i don’t have a job right now and because he’s so supportive of me, I feel so unbelievably horrible for feeling how I do. Like today we got into a fight because we were talking and he was getting agitated and then while we were communicating he just shut the conversation down saying it’s over which has caused a lot of problems in the past and he knows that’s not how to end a conversation because it should matter that we’re adult and we should be able to get through and conversation without issues but by the end of it he was hating on himself for “still messing things up when he was just trying to end the conversations so problems WOULDNT happen” and it was basically him just choosing every wrong dialogue option and reaction possible. He constantly creates problems by not wanting to create problems while acting like there’s a problem and just not talking about it. And then he gets so mad, he insults my entire personality and everything I do by misunderstanding my valid anger and never taking it seriously in the moment until I get real mad and alot of the times when I get real mad, I’m just seen as crazy. But at the end of it there’s always communication that was needed but not received in the beginning and I just don’t know what to do to not have to go through all that to be understood. I’ve expressed that he treats me like a villainous stranger a lot and that I think he hates himself more than he loves me and he always thinks about leaving me for my own good after I ask if I need to just accept this pain from his mistreatment and lack of emotional availability when it’s my love language because I still chose him over anyone else but then when I explain that what I really need from him is consistency and to do some real self work, he agreed and I’m giving him time to do just that. Things are just difficult, I refuse to leave him so if anyone says I’m doing this to myself then you’re right and I’d choose to go through it everyday because I love him. And I believe that soulmates are 2 people who make a decision to love each other and live life together in harmony throughout all hardships. People who break up do it because one or both of them can’t commit to each other and don’t make the conscious decision to make them a real life partner and neither of us want that. I just need advice on how to help him or how to handle the situation. Any of the situations really because this will either be amazing or I will change myself to accept the reality that it will never be amazing but I’m too loyal to ever not want to try and make it work.
submitted by BabyDoll373 to ComfortLevelPod [link] [comments]
I just want to start by saying that I (20f) absolutely love this man (21m) and would do literally anything for him which is why I’m making this post so I sincerely ask that you do not judge too harshly and give me some advice on what to do or how to handle this situation.
FYI, this is a long one. So my boyfriend and I have been together for almost 3 years now and it’s been great. He is my first and only relationship I’ve ever been in and there was definitely a honey moon stage we were in during the beginning but he was always very sweet and loving. He cared about my day, liked talking to me and hearing me rant about things I like/dislike and was very gentle with me and I fell in love with him very fast because he was the first person i felt I could be 100% real and myself around. He’s a big 6”3 teddy bear who I knew going into it didn’t like himself very much because he had loose skin from weight loss, but I was determined to make sure he knew that he was loved and literally my dream man regardless of his scars or skin, which is the same way he treats my scars on my legs which are huge and looks like I was attacked by a tiger. There wasn’t really a big change till about 1 year in when he started having alot of insecurities due to PTSD from his last relationships and not only would that make him snappy but he kept making jokes about me cheating on him with everyone and anyone I had an interaction with, male or female. I couldn’t go anywhere without him needing to know who was there and if it was a guy- no matter who it was, he’d get very angry. I accepted that it was a trauma response and knew his insecurities were valid so I took it all in stride and would calmly make sure he knew that was not the case and would do anything to ease that fear but there were a few times it caused huge problems. One time it triggered my own mental health issues and I screamed at him and had a full blown meltdown down because I was doing everything he said and was honestly being the perfect gf but nothing I did eased his insecurity and he kept lashing out at me. Since then he realized the negative effect the jokes were having on me so he stopped making them and has genuinely learned to trust that I won’t cheat on him but ever since then, it’s like a damn broke and I’m the reciprocator to all of his anger. He doesn’t hit me or call me names unwarranted but he gets very upset at very minor things on a daily basis. At 1 1/2 years into the relationship I learned that his self hatred goes much much deeper than I thought and while his praises and love has helped with my confidence, mine has not helped his at all. In fact, I think the fact that I’m a 5”3 very skinny female and he gained a little bit of healthy relationship weight, made him start hating himself more. He would bring up how it doesn’t make since we’re together and he’s “the ugly one” out of us and how I’m too good for him and I kept praising him and making sure he knew that me, the person who sitting right next to him in bed, loves him more then anything and thinks the world of him but it never helped. I recommended that he go to therapy but he refused saying he wouldn’t want to talk to strangers and that it wouldn’t help even tho I’ve gone for most of my life but I know my experience doesn’t and shouldn’t sway his opinion. I’m no doctor but I have diagnosed borderline personally disorder and severe depression and anxiety and have had to be institutionalized 5 times due to self harm and suicide and again while I’m not a doctor, I’m positive he has anger issues (as is he) and might possibly have BPD, and most definitely has anxiety and depression but he seeks no help for them and knows that they negatively impact him and cause him to lash out at me daily which lowkey makes me hates myself but I try not to take anything personally because I deeply understand what he’s going through. Now at almost 3 years, I don’t even know anymore. Sometimes I’m convinced he hates me and others I fell like the most important person alive but our fighting is at an all time high. He doesn’t care about any hobby of mine and gets annoyed having to listen to me talk about something a lot or for longer than 5 minutes. His family is my family but he doesn’t think my family in his family even tho my family has done a lot for him. He hates holidays, hates doing normal things people do unless he wants to do it. I sometimes find myself feeling like I can’t have anything good in life outside of him or with him + others because everything he does, we do, and I do, is SO hard for him and he reacts out of anger. I haven’t had a fully good holiday since before we dated and I no longer feel like I can have friends nor do I really want them. I don’t even eat with my family anymore because he doesn’t want to and I don’t want to leave him alone. Anytime he’s done anything with my family, I’ve had to force him or he does it out of guilt and then it’s just a bad time because he’s so mad at everything. I’ve made the bad habit of ignoring my own mental health and doing everything and anything for him and now it’s like he forgot that I also have emotions over things and am a human being. He treats me much poorly than he would treat someone he actually hates. I don’t know if it’s because he gained more weight and that he hates himself for all these different reasons or what but having a simple conversation about his emotions and why he’s being snappy is the hardest thing to do for him. So many things go wrong and he handles so many situations wrong and has such negative reactions to almost everything I do that it’s hard for me to function. When I express that, it’s a coin flip on if it’ll start a problem or if he’ll just feel bad and hate himself more. These issues we’ve had and me coddling him in any way I can have caused me to have a couple situations where I bottle things up and explode but it’s been about a handful in 3 years and I can’t be upset or feel strongly about something without him already invalidating it thinking I’m having an episode or freaking out himself. We’ve had arguments everyday over dumb stuff but it’s always him thinking surface level and technically and me thinking about it all from a deeper perspective and him not understand the principle of the situation or why I’m upset ever and constantly bases his entire reaction on his perspective until I explain the same thing in multiple different ways, over and over again. I know this is horrible but I feel like I’ve had to teach him how to be in a healthy relationship and handle his own emotions and while I’m learning about how to be an adult, I’m simultaneously having to teach him how to be one because he’s not doing it himself. He has a job and pays for everything but he doesn’t save and hates himself for that so mostly I feel like I can’t speak because i don’t have a job right now and because he’s so supportive of me, I feel so unbelievably horrible for feeling how I do. Like today we got into a fight because we were talking and he was getting agitated and then while we were communicating he just shut the conversation down saying it’s over which has caused a lot of problems in the past and he knows that’s not how to end a conversation because it should matter that we’re adult and we should be able to get through and conversation without issues but by the end of it he was hating on himself for “still messing things up when he was just trying to end the conversations so problems WOULDNT happen” and it was basically him just choosing every wrong dialogue option and reaction possible. He constantly creates problems by not wanting to create problems while acting like there’s a problem and just not talking about it. And then he gets so mad, he insults my entire personality and everything I do by misunderstanding my valid anger and never taking it seriously in the moment until I get real mad and alot of the times when I get real mad, I’m just seen as crazy. But at the end of it there’s always communication that was needed but not received in the beginning and I just don’t know what to do to not have to go through all that to be understood. I’ve expressed that he treats me like a villainous stranger a lot and that I think he hates himself more than he loves me and he always thinks about leaving me for my own good after I ask if I need to just accept this pain from his mistreatment and lack of emotional availability when it’s my love language because I still chose him over anyone else but then when I explain that what I really need from him is consistency and to do some real self work, he agreed and I’m giving him time to do just that. Things are just difficult, I refuse to leave him so if anyone says I’m doing this to myself then you’re right and I’d choose to go through it everyday because I love him. And I believe that soulmates are 2 people who make a decision to love each other and live life together in harmony throughout all hardships. People who break up do it because one or both of them can’t commit to each other and don’t make the conscious decision to make them a real life partner and neither of us want that. I just need advice on how to help him or how to handle the situation. Any of the situations really because this will either be amazing or I will change myself to accept the reality that it will never be amazing but I’m too loyal to ever not want to try and make it work.
2024.05.14 10:19 herejustbecause_ How to move on?
My boyfriend and I broke up in 2019 and neither of us have dated since then because we seem to can't move on from each other but at the same time we can't get back together. Our relationship didn't end badly so we still try to remain as friends and text occasionally. We did try to get back together but we still had our differences and it didn't work out. It was going well but then things were said and once again we went back to just checking up on each other. I'm someone who doesn't really text or call people because I simply don't have the interest. I'd rather be watching my shows but with him it's different. I always feel genuine happiness talking to him about anything. We spoke today and I don't think I've ever felt so happy texting someome. I don't know what to do anymore. So many years have passed and every time I thought I've moved on, I find myself thinking about him again. I will never understand how people can just move on so easily and start dating again. I thought if we just stopped communicating it would help but it didn't because somehow we always end up talking again and we get our hopes up just for both of us to disappear again. It's like we're stuck in a cycle.
submitted by herejustbecause_ to BreakUps [link] [comments]
2024.05.14 10:18 ThrowRAkat23 pls help asap i really don’t know what to do. My bf texted his ex… again.
my boyfriend and I have been together for one year. There have been two times where I have caught him downloading a dating app while we were still together. I say while we were still together because we have also broken up two times in the span of the year but both times were very short. I have had a weird feeling lately, although he has been really sweet, he never really has time to talk to me anymore. He’s always on discord with his friends when I’m here.(his house) and occasionally turns to give me a Kissy face or cuddle for a few minutes. The only time we ever really get to talk is in the car or going to get food somewhere. Every single time I’ve tried to plan a date in the past few months, he has either slept in too late or just not wanted to go. We were supposed to go on a date today to the museum but we both slept in. we just stayed home and he gamed all day, we barley talk just short moments of affection. now it’s 3 am and He fell asleep on his living room couch. Normally I would wake him up to come to bed but I don’t feel like it now after what I’ve seen on his phone. I know it’s bad to go through his phone but every time I do I find something. I can’t help following that gut feeling sometimes, unfortunately mostly to my demise. I saw that he had deleted a chat with this girl that he had previously dated. I don’t think they were ever serious, but I have caught him texting her once before. he simply said “hey hope you’re doing well.” She hadn’t texted him first, he texted her out of the blue. “coincidentally” the same night that we had a conversation about how i felt he had been kind of dismissive towards me lately. she responded” thanks same to you” he hearted the message and that’s all I could see from the conversation. I’m not sure if he deleted the rest or if they called. i don’t know my minds racing with possibilities. during this relationship, my anxiety has grown so much and physically i’m trembling in his bed right now over the situation. I don’t know how to handle this. I’m comfortable with him. I feel safe and happy, but at the same time I’m constantly scared that he’s gonna hurt me (emotionally). I don’t know how to describe the feeling without sounding crazy. I need a therapist, but I can’t afford it. my best friend is there for me, but all she says is “screw him just find someone” like in a hyping me up type way, she doesn’t really know how to give me the advice i need. I love him so much, he’s s the one of the few people i feel comfortable being myself around. I adore and care for him so so much . I just wish he would stop hurting me and just be honest with me. i don’t know how to handle the situation, i was thinking of confronting him when we see eachother again on wednesday. i just want him to understand where i’m coming from. because most of the time when this happens it just ends in me apologizing for going through his phone. he gets angry before he even has a chance to hear how i feel. i was thinking if twisting it on him, saying “babe i have to tell you… i texted (ex he’s jealous of) the other day… nothing serious i just felt like texting him.” and seeing how he reacts. sort of turning the tables so he feels how i feel for a second. then if course i tell him it’s not true and that i actually caught him texting the girl. i don’t know that sounds a bit much. i just need actual advice on how to move forward.
submitted by ThrowRAkat23 to Advice [link] [comments]
2024.05.14 10:17 Direct-Ad-6220 I guess it is over 😑
I was dating the most beautiful, attentive and charming aries girl for a year and a half. We conected quickly and with lots of intensity.
Both of us were coming from longer and good relationships. None of us had completely got over their exes at that time. The thing is that she couldn’t stand my unpunctuality, my (sometimes) lack of organisation and confidence, me taking life too seriously.
I couldn’t stand her bad temper, her intensity when she got pissed off with me. We rocked it in the bed and was a period of real happiness to me (too late to realise) and our lifestyle and hobbies were really similar ( I never had that connection with anyone).
We started having problems after our first trip together.
Now, we are going NC. I do miss her, love her, want the best for her, I don’t want to make her cry 😭 But it is being hard to let her go… She has told explicitly that she doesn’t want to get in the relationship again.
I guess it is over now, right ? Going NC won’t help her miss me. It will only allow us time to heal. I want to respect her decision foremost, but on the same time I am wondering how could I make her change her mind without manipulating.
Edit: I am a virgo sun, I was the dumper, I think of her first when I wake up and last when I go to sleep. I know I can’t be friends rn but genuinely would like another chance.😔
submitted by Direct-Ad-6220 to AriesTheRam [link] [comments]
Both of us were coming from longer and good relationships. None of us had completely got over their exes at that time. The thing is that she couldn’t stand my unpunctuality, my (sometimes) lack of organisation and confidence, me taking life too seriously.
I couldn’t stand her bad temper, her intensity when she got pissed off with me. We rocked it in the bed and was a period of real happiness to me (too late to realise) and our lifestyle and hobbies were really similar ( I never had that connection with anyone).
We started having problems after our first trip together.
Now, we are going NC. I do miss her, love her, want the best for her, I don’t want to make her cry 😭 But it is being hard to let her go… She has told explicitly that she doesn’t want to get in the relationship again.
I guess it is over now, right ? Going NC won’t help her miss me. It will only allow us time to heal. I want to respect her decision foremost, but on the same time I am wondering how could I make her change her mind without manipulating.
Edit: I am a virgo sun, I was the dumper, I think of her first when I wake up and last when I go to sleep. I know I can’t be friends rn but genuinely would like another chance.😔
2024.05.14 10:16 ThrowRAkat23 PLS ANSWER ASAP IDK WHAT TO DO! My bf 24M wants to cheat on me 20F everytime we have a conversation about our relationship or argue. I just caught him again, what do i do?
my boyfriend and I have been together for one year. There have been two times where I have caught him downloading a dating app while we were still together. I say while we were still together because we have also broken up two times in the span of the year but both times were very short. I have had a weird feeling lately, although he has been really sweet, he never really has time to talk to me anymore. He’s always on discord with his friends when I’m here.(his house) and occasionally turns to give me a Kissy face or cuddle for a few minutes. The only time we ever really get to talk is in the car or going to get food somewhere. Every single time I’ve tried to plan a date in the past few months, he has either slept in too late or just not wanted to go. We were supposed to go on a date today to the museum but we both slept in. we just stayed home and he gamed all day, we barley talk just short moments of affection. now it’s 3 am and He fell asleep on his living room couch. Normally I would wake him up to come to bed but I don’t feel like it now after what I’ve seen on his phone. I know it’s bad to go through his phone but every time I do I find something. I can’t help following that gut feeling sometimes, unfortunately mostly to my demise. I saw that he had deleted a chat with this girl that he had previously dated. I don’t think they were ever serious, but I have caught him texting her once before. he simply said “hey hope you’re doing well.” She hadn’t texted him first, he texted her out of the blue. “coincidentally” the same night that we had a conversation about how i felt he had been kind of dismissive towards me lately. she responded” thanks same to you” he hearted the message and that’s all I could see from the conversation. I’m not sure if he deleted the rest or if they called. i don’t know my minds racing with possibilities. during this relationship, my anxiety has grown so much and physically i’m trembling in his bed right now over the situation. I don’t know how to handle this. I’m comfortable with him. I feel safe and happy, but at the same time I’m constantly scared that he’s gonna hurt me (emotionally). I don’t know how to describe the feeling without sounding crazy. I need a therapist, but I can’t afford it. I just need someone to talk to. my best friend is there for me, but all she says is “screw him just find someone” like in a hyping me up type way, she doesn’t really know how to give me the advice i need. I love him so much, he’s s the one of the few people i feel comfortable being myself around. I adore and care for him so so much . I just wish he would stop hurting me and just be honest with me. i don’t know how to handle the situation, i was thinking of confronting him when we see eachother again on wednesday. i just want him to understand where i’m coming from. because most of the time when this happens it just ends in me apologizing for going through his phone. he gets angry before he even has a chance to hear how i feel. i was thinking if twisting it on him, saying “babe i have to tell you… i texted (ex he’s jealous of) the other day… nothing serious i just felt like texting him.” and seeing how he reacts. sort of turning the tables so he feels how i feel for a second. then if course i tell him it’s not true and that i actually caught him texting the girl. i don’t know that sounds a bit much. i just need actual advice on how to move forward.
submitted by ThrowRAkat23 to relationship_advice [link] [comments]
2024.05.14 10:16 Snoo-71844 Fucking doomed.
M18 and despite only being 18 I already have plenty of evidence that I will be FA. Never been on a date, never kissed anyone, never went to high school events, and obviously never had a relationship. I tried talking to many girls irl and even online but I never had success. The only time where I was CLOSE to being in a relationship was when I had a friend which I met over a year ago who seemed very nice and genuine but eventually started ghosting me a lot and was very passive. We were going to go to prom but because of her doing this, she bashed me when I told her about me being ghosted saying that she isn’t my GF and wont be my GF and APOLOGIZED if she did something that made me feel that way DESPITE her saying us being in a relationship would be a good idea. I realized I wasn’t good enough and walked away a week before prom which was April 13th. The day of prom I went for a walk and I saw a lot of people taking photos of themselves going to prom and I cried myself to sleep. I then saw a bunch of IG posts of their prom days later which didn’t make me feel any better.
Pretty much after that I decided to try dating apps since I knew that meeting people in real life would fuck me over and I’d have a better chance of getting good luck online than IRL and boy was I wrong. My word of advice for anyone wanting to try dating apps, you will not have good luck on tinder or bumble. The app I’ve had more luck on was on Hinge but it’s not by much.
First match on Hinge was a girl who we seemed to have a decent conversation till she randomly started ghosting. She changed her photos on the app hours after I sent her a message and honestly I wasn’t going to fuss so I just unmatched.
Second match on Tinder was a girl who was attractive and we also seemed to have spoken well to each other. We got each other’s social media accounts and that was when I found out that SHE HAD A BF. After that I immediately removed her and unmatched her.
Third match on bumble was a girl who liked anime like me (mainly dragon ball) she matched me and said hello. I replied saying hello and asked how she was. Later on she randomly unmatched me.
Fourth Match on Hinge is a girl I’m still currently matched with but I have very low confidence. She seems disinterested in me and when I later asked we should do something over the summer she said maybe and usually Maybe=NO so I really don’t know anymore.
After all of this and more that happened without sharing them basically shows that I’m not good enough to be in a relationship. Whether it’s in person or online I have very shitty luck making progress and it seems like I’m going to have one for the rest of my life and die alone. It’s impossible for me to look positive because all I had was bad experiences and never any good ones with woman and nothing has changed despite me trying and giving my all. I’m really dreading going into my late 20s and 30s because once I’m there it’s basically impossible to find love because everyones married and possibly have a family so that’s the end of me. I’m absolutely cooked and finished.
submitted by Snoo-71844 to ForeverAlone [link] [comments]
Pretty much after that I decided to try dating apps since I knew that meeting people in real life would fuck me over and I’d have a better chance of getting good luck online than IRL and boy was I wrong. My word of advice for anyone wanting to try dating apps, you will not have good luck on tinder or bumble. The app I’ve had more luck on was on Hinge but it’s not by much.
First match on Hinge was a girl who we seemed to have a decent conversation till she randomly started ghosting. She changed her photos on the app hours after I sent her a message and honestly I wasn’t going to fuss so I just unmatched.
Second match on Tinder was a girl who was attractive and we also seemed to have spoken well to each other. We got each other’s social media accounts and that was when I found out that SHE HAD A BF. After that I immediately removed her and unmatched her.
Third match on bumble was a girl who liked anime like me (mainly dragon ball) she matched me and said hello. I replied saying hello and asked how she was. Later on she randomly unmatched me.
Fourth Match on Hinge is a girl I’m still currently matched with but I have very low confidence. She seems disinterested in me and when I later asked we should do something over the summer she said maybe and usually Maybe=NO so I really don’t know anymore.
After all of this and more that happened without sharing them basically shows that I’m not good enough to be in a relationship. Whether it’s in person or online I have very shitty luck making progress and it seems like I’m going to have one for the rest of my life and die alone. It’s impossible for me to look positive because all I had was bad experiences and never any good ones with woman and nothing has changed despite me trying and giving my all. I’m really dreading going into my late 20s and 30s because once I’m there it’s basically impossible to find love because everyones married and possibly have a family so that’s the end of me. I’m absolutely cooked and finished.
2024.05.14 10:15 Exciting-Classic-782 Me 29/F is currently “separated” with 29/M I have a 6 year old daughter which whom he raised for 5 years (not biological) I’m confused how to go about this, we are toxic and I think he might be a narcissist, or am I ?
Backstory on our relationship. we have been together for five years, we started dating pretty fast within three months I had moved in due to the pandemic. I was already staying at his house and the same time we went on lockdown we had to stay together in the same house. Our relationship started off really good. We were so in love, the spark was there, the sex was great, it was everything I could ever ask for. in my past, I have had some rough relationships where I was always the provider, the one with a car, job, money. My last relationship before this one I had a daughter and we separated because her biological dad was not ready to grow up.
In the beginning of our relationship, like I said, it started off good . I would say, I was immature, and just learning to discover myself as a mom, partner, and having a real relationship living with someone. I did some immature things, sneaky things, as far as get attention on social media, I feel like a lot of the times. Also since this guy had a job, money, a car, a house I took advantage of it. He spoiled me like crazy, I got to stay home for a year without working, while he paid all of my bills and pretty much took care of me for the most part. I did slack off in the beginning I wouldn’t clean, cook, take care of my responsibilities so he had to get on my ass. I end up realizing that I need to grow up and become a woman. I changed completely and became a “wife”.
About two years in is when I really started to see “the real” him. It started off with him, calling me little names here, and there and him criticizing little things that I did. we would get into little fights and I didn’t want my daughter to be around that so I would leave, it started off as once every couple months I would go stay at my parents house for the weekend, to get away from the fighting. That turned into once a month, then that turned into a couple times a month. It became such a normal thing, the cussing and fighting became worse. he can be really hurtful with words and he would always be me, put me down. Examples: ( Fat bitch, I could find another bitch tomorrow, you’re a fucking whore, slut, fuck you, I can’t stand you, dumb bitch) He started criticizing every single thing that I did, I started to believe that I could never do anything right, and I wasn’t enough. Don’t give me wrong I was not perfect. I would also call him too only because he would call me names. I have a bad attitude with him, and sometimes I do come off, really blunt, and aggressive. Anytime I did come off this way he would blow up and turn it into this huge fight.
Around year 3, we both rededicated our lives to God. Our relationship started to come around again, we were so full of love, we were communicating better and starting to get along more, we would have arguments, but it seemed like we were able to solve them without kicking each other out of the house, or cussing and screaming at each other. We would both hear each other out and it was going good for the most part. , It started all over again. I don’t understand one day I could be the greatest thing that has ever happened to him and in a matter of an hour, if I gave him the wrong answer, an attitude, or if he thought, I said something disrespectful all hell would break loose. They got to the point where he would literally kick me out at two or three in the morning, obviously I would take a little bit of dignity that I had and I would wake my daughter up, carry her into the car and I would go to a hotel because at this point I was just too embarrassed to go to my family’s house.
Fast forward until now , we have been separated for about six months. I’m living back with my parents and he stayed at the house that we built together. In my daughter’s life, to her that is her dad, she does not know her biological dad or anything about him. He calls it “co-parenting” but in reality, he only comes to her softball games once a week shows up late, for 30 minutes, pick her up on Sundays Spends a few hours with her and drops her off. I really am doing everything by myself, I work full-time, and I show up to every single one of her events, I buy her everything, I am with her 24/7. I feel bad because my daughter really loves him, she cares for him, my daughter is very smart. She wants us to be a family again, but I feel bad distancing them from each other. I know he’s not her biological dad, but he pretty much raised her when we were together. I know he loves her, and she really loves him. I just don’t know what to do in the situation, I blame myself for a lot because I feel like if I never acted the way that I did in the beginning of the relationship maybe he wouldn’t have been as toxic or the way that he was throughout the rest of our relationship. Has anyone been in a similar situation, or have any advice for me? I don’t go to therapy, I don’t have friends, and my family are just over it. They don’t want to talk about it. So I’m really just using this as a venting session, whether anyone replies, comments, or anything at least I was able to get this off my chest
submitted by Exciting-Classic-782 to relationship_advice [link] [comments]
In the beginning of our relationship, like I said, it started off good . I would say, I was immature, and just learning to discover myself as a mom, partner, and having a real relationship living with someone. I did some immature things, sneaky things, as far as get attention on social media, I feel like a lot of the times. Also since this guy had a job, money, a car, a house I took advantage of it. He spoiled me like crazy, I got to stay home for a year without working, while he paid all of my bills and pretty much took care of me for the most part. I did slack off in the beginning I wouldn’t clean, cook, take care of my responsibilities so he had to get on my ass. I end up realizing that I need to grow up and become a woman. I changed completely and became a “wife”.
About two years in is when I really started to see “the real” him. It started off with him, calling me little names here, and there and him criticizing little things that I did. we would get into little fights and I didn’t want my daughter to be around that so I would leave, it started off as once every couple months I would go stay at my parents house for the weekend, to get away from the fighting. That turned into once a month, then that turned into a couple times a month. It became such a normal thing, the cussing and fighting became worse. he can be really hurtful with words and he would always be me, put me down. Examples: ( Fat bitch, I could find another bitch tomorrow, you’re a fucking whore, slut, fuck you, I can’t stand you, dumb bitch) He started criticizing every single thing that I did, I started to believe that I could never do anything right, and I wasn’t enough. Don’t give me wrong I was not perfect. I would also call him too only because he would call me names. I have a bad attitude with him, and sometimes I do come off, really blunt, and aggressive. Anytime I did come off this way he would blow up and turn it into this huge fight.
Around year 3, we both rededicated our lives to God. Our relationship started to come around again, we were so full of love, we were communicating better and starting to get along more, we would have arguments, but it seemed like we were able to solve them without kicking each other out of the house, or cussing and screaming at each other. We would both hear each other out and it was going good for the most part. , It started all over again. I don’t understand one day I could be the greatest thing that has ever happened to him and in a matter of an hour, if I gave him the wrong answer, an attitude, or if he thought, I said something disrespectful all hell would break loose. They got to the point where he would literally kick me out at two or three in the morning, obviously I would take a little bit of dignity that I had and I would wake my daughter up, carry her into the car and I would go to a hotel because at this point I was just too embarrassed to go to my family’s house.
Fast forward until now , we have been separated for about six months. I’m living back with my parents and he stayed at the house that we built together. In my daughter’s life, to her that is her dad, she does not know her biological dad or anything about him. He calls it “co-parenting” but in reality, he only comes to her softball games once a week shows up late, for 30 minutes, pick her up on Sundays Spends a few hours with her and drops her off. I really am doing everything by myself, I work full-time, and I show up to every single one of her events, I buy her everything, I am with her 24/7. I feel bad because my daughter really loves him, she cares for him, my daughter is very smart. She wants us to be a family again, but I feel bad distancing them from each other. I know he’s not her biological dad, but he pretty much raised her when we were together. I know he loves her, and she really loves him. I just don’t know what to do in the situation, I blame myself for a lot because I feel like if I never acted the way that I did in the beginning of the relationship maybe he wouldn’t have been as toxic or the way that he was throughout the rest of our relationship. Has anyone been in a similar situation, or have any advice for me? I don’t go to therapy, I don’t have friends, and my family are just over it. They don’t want to talk about it. So I’m really just using this as a venting session, whether anyone replies, comments, or anything at least I was able to get this off my chest
2024.05.14 10:14 awaythr000w Is it wrong to ghost someone who seems emotionally unavailable?
I (26F) have been seeing this guy (27M) for a couple of months. We met years back through mutual friends. He recently reached out and it led to hanging out, flirting, and to going on dates. Since the beginning, he always paid for everything even when I offer, and he is very gentlemanly. We texted frequently and called. I felt great chemistry and attraction to him and his demeanor.
However, he doesn’t directly communicate with me when it comes to his intentions and feelings even though I’ve been as transparent and honest as possible on my end. Since transitioning to a new job, he’s become very busy as it’s a demanding position and I’ve noticed the texting dwindled down to one a day. I’ve asked to call but that was ignored, and he doesn’t initiate calls anymore. He still took me out on a date and everything was fine in person, but when we’re apart it feels like all the warmth that was given to me is pulled away and I am left in the cold.
The first time I thought he needed space was because he drew distant after we established we were talking, but he asked if I was mad at him so I was under the impression he cared. The second time he pulled away was right after a really great date in which he became cold after expressing how excited he was to see me again. He said he was just busy after I told him I don’t mind ending this if he was just keeping me as an option. He never clarified what his intentions were but just said he understood and still tried keeping the conversation going. I put a lot of effort into making sure his effort is reciprocated when he does show it.
I’ve communicated that I don’t care if we can’t text as frequently and I just wanted consistency and effort which he showed for a little bit. I finally got him to communicate a bit more and he said he just wanted to take his time with things, and implied that a relationship was not his priority at the moment.
I’ve teetered between waiting to see what happens or taking what he’s shown me at face value, and I think I’ve decided I’ve had enough. This is the third time I’ve felt this push-pull dynamic and I am tired, even though I do like him a lot, think he’s a genuinely good person, and am very physically attracted to him. However, his actions make me feel like I’m being kept at arm’s length or as a backup option. I usually feel secure with myself and my relationships but my anxiety has been at a high. I went through one of the roughest periods of my life recently and he did not have the capacity to be there for me or ask how I was doing. I don’t see a point in putting more effort for someone if they aren’t someone I can lean on or build trust with.
I don’t know if it’s right to end this by ghosting. I think he is a good person, and just unavailable but I think if I bring up that I have a problem again, this will either end with a sour taste (I still want to be friends) or I’ll get strung back into this unhealthy dynamic. I also feel bad if I ghost because he’s opened up to me about his childhood trauma already despite saying he never opens up to people and this has led me to care about him. I also don’t know if he would care if I ghosted. How should I handle this?
submitted by awaythr000w to dating [link] [comments]
However, he doesn’t directly communicate with me when it comes to his intentions and feelings even though I’ve been as transparent and honest as possible on my end. Since transitioning to a new job, he’s become very busy as it’s a demanding position and I’ve noticed the texting dwindled down to one a day. I’ve asked to call but that was ignored, and he doesn’t initiate calls anymore. He still took me out on a date and everything was fine in person, but when we’re apart it feels like all the warmth that was given to me is pulled away and I am left in the cold.
The first time I thought he needed space was because he drew distant after we established we were talking, but he asked if I was mad at him so I was under the impression he cared. The second time he pulled away was right after a really great date in which he became cold after expressing how excited he was to see me again. He said he was just busy after I told him I don’t mind ending this if he was just keeping me as an option. He never clarified what his intentions were but just said he understood and still tried keeping the conversation going. I put a lot of effort into making sure his effort is reciprocated when he does show it.
I’ve communicated that I don’t care if we can’t text as frequently and I just wanted consistency and effort which he showed for a little bit. I finally got him to communicate a bit more and he said he just wanted to take his time with things, and implied that a relationship was not his priority at the moment.
I’ve teetered between waiting to see what happens or taking what he’s shown me at face value, and I think I’ve decided I’ve had enough. This is the third time I’ve felt this push-pull dynamic and I am tired, even though I do like him a lot, think he’s a genuinely good person, and am very physically attracted to him. However, his actions make me feel like I’m being kept at arm’s length or as a backup option. I usually feel secure with myself and my relationships but my anxiety has been at a high. I went through one of the roughest periods of my life recently and he did not have the capacity to be there for me or ask how I was doing. I don’t see a point in putting more effort for someone if they aren’t someone I can lean on or build trust with.
I don’t know if it’s right to end this by ghosting. I think he is a good person, and just unavailable but I think if I bring up that I have a problem again, this will either end with a sour taste (I still want to be friends) or I’ll get strung back into this unhealthy dynamic. I also feel bad if I ghost because he’s opened up to me about his childhood trauma already despite saying he never opens up to people and this has led me to care about him. I also don’t know if he would care if I ghosted. How should I handle this?
2024.05.14 10:11 armchair_panda Share of freehold - other freeholder incapacitated, lives abroad and with no next of kin - can’t sell!
TLDR: I own a share if freehold flat and the other freeholder lives abroad, is incapacitated and has no next of kin, just a legal representative appointed by a government organisation in the country she lives in. I need to sell my flat and extend the lease but two years in I have got nowhere in getting the deeds signed. What can I do?
Hi Housing UK readers,
I wanted to see if you had any fresh ideas on how to approach this situation I find myself in.
I purchased a flat in 2011. The flat is one of two in a Victorian conversion. Both flats are self-contained.
I am the sole registered leasehold proprietor of flat B and have been living in the flat since 2011.
Miss X is the sole registered leasehold proprietor of flat A, and has owned the flat since 2001. The flat is being rented as Miss X retired abroad in 2006.
Miss X and I also both own a share of the freehold, which is split 50/50.
I’m in contact with Miss X for a few years after I buy, but all admin relating to building management is dealt with by her estate agents and she defers any discussions to them.
Fast forward to September 2022. I need to sell my flat as I want to move to a different city, and have some debt I need to pay off. The flat is listed for sale in late October 2022.
There are 84 years left on the lease for both myself and Miss X. I reach out to Miss X to inform her of my plans and that I will need her signature for the various deeds, and that we should extend the lease. The email bounces back and her phone line is disconnected.
I contact the estate agents who manage flat A. They have also not heard from Miss X for a while, I can tell they know more, but they are unwilling to share any details. In a tactical move, I list my flat for sale with them too, to try and get their help with Miss X (a whole other hilarious side story). I am repeatedly assured by them that the situation with Miss X will not hinder the sale of the flat (a huge lie).
March 2023 I finally find some buyers (with another agent) and start the conveyancing process, including extending the lease and transferring the freehold.
May 2023. After chasing Miss X’s estate agents for weeks, I discover that Miss X is now incapacitated and hospitalised with dementia. Miss X has no partner or children, no next of kin and no legal representation in the UK. She is under the care of a government agency in the European country she resides in. A lawyer employed by the agency, let’s call him SP, has been appointed as her legal representative and is in contact with the UK estate agents. SP sends documents to verify his status to the agents, who confirm legitimacy via their lawyers. SP is very hard to reach, rarely answers emails or his phone.
I find a solicitor specialised in property law to help me navigate this situation. As Miss X is not deemed “absent”, the solicitor suggests that it’s best to try and resolve this with the appointed legal representative (SP), as any other legal routes available for absentee freeholders through UK courts wouldn’t apply (as we know where Miss X is). I explain the situation to SP, he talks to a judge and informs me he lacks capacity to make decisions about the leasehold and freehold matters without court / judicial approval in his country.
SP also asks for help with gaining access to Miss X’s UK bank account. All rental income from her flat in the UK is being transferred to a UK bank account via the estate agents. I share information on obtaining power of attorney in the UK and suggest it would be best to appoint a lawyer in the UK to help with all matters.
November 2023. After several months of backwards and forwards with SP to try and find out exactly what legal documents the judge wants to see in court, under his guidance my solicitor produces papers, documents and evidence, we get them translated, postilled and posted. SP is confident the judge will be happy and grant permission for signatures.
The documents make it clear that the authority being sought for SP to sign the leasehold extension and transfer of freehold are in no way prejudicial to Miss X and in fact extending the lease would add value to her property should she decide to sell in future.
A court date is set 3 months later. Sigh. More waiting.
I lose my buyers (understandably).
February 2024. The court date arrives. The judge rejects the request for permission for SP to sign papers on behalf of Miss X. It’s not fully clear why this is rejected. After speaking to SP it seems that the judge now wants SP to obtain access to Miss X’s bank account before moving forward. I am surprised that no progress has been made with that.
I go back to my solicitor. Now that we can show that steps have been taken to locate Miss X and get the deeds signed by her legal deputy without recourse, they suggest that we can apply to court in the UK to have another trustee appointed to sign the transfer and deed, and suggests appointing counsel to make the application to UK courts, which should be “run of the mill”. We choose a barrister, the situation is explained, documents shared, and I’m given a 3 week timeframe for papers to be produced for court.
In the meantime we connect SP to a solicitor in the UK who can help with obtaining PoA, as no progress has been made with that yet.
A few days later the barrister gets in touch, more bad news.
Under TLATA, there would be a breach of trust if all required consent from the current trustees was not obtained, so it is not sufficient to just add another trustee, Miss X would need to be replaced as outlined in the Trustee Act 36(1). However under the Trustee Act 36(9), where a trustee lacks the ability to perform their function, no new trustee can be appointed without consent from the Court of Protection. I am informed that making this application to the CoP is lengthy, costly and risky. The barrister says it would be faster and safer to wait for SP to obtain the relevant permissions.
We reach out to SP again to see what progress has been made. None. Some documents need to be translated and he is unwilling to pay for the translations (it seems their organisation has no money). We offer to pay now and be reimbursed once access to Miss X’s money is granted.
We are now almost half way through 2024 and coming up to 2 years into this situation.
Is it really possible that legally these are my only two options?
Any different ideas on how to approach this? Seems so absurd to me that currently I can’t sell something that is mine, due to a situation I didn’t create!
There are many more twists and turns to this story but I have left them out as this is long enough. Also I do not have a legal background or am a housing expert so apologies if some of the language I use is incorrect.
Reddit, help!
submitted by armchair_panda to HousingUK [link] [comments]
I wanted to see if you had any fresh ideas on how to approach this situation I find myself in.
I purchased a flat in 2011. The flat is one of two in a Victorian conversion. Both flats are self-contained.
I am the sole registered leasehold proprietor of flat B and have been living in the flat since 2011.
Miss X is the sole registered leasehold proprietor of flat A, and has owned the flat since 2001. The flat is being rented as Miss X retired abroad in 2006.
Miss X and I also both own a share of the freehold, which is split 50/50.
I’m in contact with Miss X for a few years after I buy, but all admin relating to building management is dealt with by her estate agents and she defers any discussions to them.
Fast forward to September 2022. I need to sell my flat as I want to move to a different city, and have some debt I need to pay off. The flat is listed for sale in late October 2022.
There are 84 years left on the lease for both myself and Miss X. I reach out to Miss X to inform her of my plans and that I will need her signature for the various deeds, and that we should extend the lease. The email bounces back and her phone line is disconnected.
I contact the estate agents who manage flat A. They have also not heard from Miss X for a while, I can tell they know more, but they are unwilling to share any details. In a tactical move, I list my flat for sale with them too, to try and get their help with Miss X (a whole other hilarious side story). I am repeatedly assured by them that the situation with Miss X will not hinder the sale of the flat (a huge lie).
March 2023 I finally find some buyers (with another agent) and start the conveyancing process, including extending the lease and transferring the freehold.
May 2023. After chasing Miss X’s estate agents for weeks, I discover that Miss X is now incapacitated and hospitalised with dementia. Miss X has no partner or children, no next of kin and no legal representation in the UK. She is under the care of a government agency in the European country she resides in. A lawyer employed by the agency, let’s call him SP, has been appointed as her legal representative and is in contact with the UK estate agents. SP sends documents to verify his status to the agents, who confirm legitimacy via their lawyers. SP is very hard to reach, rarely answers emails or his phone.
I find a solicitor specialised in property law to help me navigate this situation. As Miss X is not deemed “absent”, the solicitor suggests that it’s best to try and resolve this with the appointed legal representative (SP), as any other legal routes available for absentee freeholders through UK courts wouldn’t apply (as we know where Miss X is). I explain the situation to SP, he talks to a judge and informs me he lacks capacity to make decisions about the leasehold and freehold matters without court / judicial approval in his country.
SP also asks for help with gaining access to Miss X’s UK bank account. All rental income from her flat in the UK is being transferred to a UK bank account via the estate agents. I share information on obtaining power of attorney in the UK and suggest it would be best to appoint a lawyer in the UK to help with all matters.
November 2023. After several months of backwards and forwards with SP to try and find out exactly what legal documents the judge wants to see in court, under his guidance my solicitor produces papers, documents and evidence, we get them translated, postilled and posted. SP is confident the judge will be happy and grant permission for signatures.
The documents make it clear that the authority being sought for SP to sign the leasehold extension and transfer of freehold are in no way prejudicial to Miss X and in fact extending the lease would add value to her property should she decide to sell in future.
A court date is set 3 months later. Sigh. More waiting.
I lose my buyers (understandably).
February 2024. The court date arrives. The judge rejects the request for permission for SP to sign papers on behalf of Miss X. It’s not fully clear why this is rejected. After speaking to SP it seems that the judge now wants SP to obtain access to Miss X’s bank account before moving forward. I am surprised that no progress has been made with that.
I go back to my solicitor. Now that we can show that steps have been taken to locate Miss X and get the deeds signed by her legal deputy without recourse, they suggest that we can apply to court in the UK to have another trustee appointed to sign the transfer and deed, and suggests appointing counsel to make the application to UK courts, which should be “run of the mill”. We choose a barrister, the situation is explained, documents shared, and I’m given a 3 week timeframe for papers to be produced for court.
In the meantime we connect SP to a solicitor in the UK who can help with obtaining PoA, as no progress has been made with that yet.
A few days later the barrister gets in touch, more bad news.
Under TLATA, there would be a breach of trust if all required consent from the current trustees was not obtained, so it is not sufficient to just add another trustee, Miss X would need to be replaced as outlined in the Trustee Act 36(1). However under the Trustee Act 36(9), where a trustee lacks the ability to perform their function, no new trustee can be appointed without consent from the Court of Protection. I am informed that making this application to the CoP is lengthy, costly and risky. The barrister says it would be faster and safer to wait for SP to obtain the relevant permissions.
We reach out to SP again to see what progress has been made. None. Some documents need to be translated and he is unwilling to pay for the translations (it seems their organisation has no money). We offer to pay now and be reimbursed once access to Miss X’s money is granted.
We are now almost half way through 2024 and coming up to 2 years into this situation.
Is it really possible that legally these are my only two options?
- going to the UK courts at great expense in a process that has been called “risky and lengthy” by the barrister.
- Waiting for SP to sort out PoA with no guarantee that the judge will even grant permission for the deeds to be signed (again risky and lengthy)
Any different ideas on how to approach this? Seems so absurd to me that currently I can’t sell something that is mine, due to a situation I didn’t create!
There are many more twists and turns to this story but I have left them out as this is long enough. Also I do not have a legal background or am a housing expert so apologies if some of the language I use is incorrect.
Reddit, help!
2024.05.14 10:10 Cautious_Section_530 I still can't forget my S.A for almost 2 years rn
I, (17M) had a S.A experience which I still haven't gotten over it till date ..
Just about 2 years ago, a mate of mine in the hostel Let's call him Ice was weirdly obsessed with me for some reason I don't know. We rarely talked of course because he didn't run in the same circles as I did. I don't know how this happened because we all grew up together though we weren't friends .
He is not the type of guy anyone would expect to do that .He has a gf, his cool friends gang and all that straight popular guys all do. While me in contrast is kinda the very opposite "not liked and outcasted by my mates due to weird rumors and plain homophobia not that " I am gay for the record".. So Ice basically did all kinds of shit like ogling, grope me repeatedly and then proceed to attack and belittle me at any chance he got that made me feel so fucking uncomfortable. At first I dismiss it as a mere joke that was untill an certain incident happened that he bullied me : "tore my bread into pieces in front of me" for no reason at all
I can't even explain all the messed up things he did and I don't know if you understand but everyday I woke up paranoid of what Ice will do next to me and played numb to all that.
Let just say I would have forgotten it if I didn't have to remember that "creepy ass smirk" he had all the time while ogling without shame or groping me. It kinda sent the message "I can do anything I want with you, and you can't do anything about it" and I hated to admit that he was right and I was totally helpless given my situation at large . Fun fact is that I thought I was delusional about the whole incident and repeatedly gaslighting myself that maybe this guy was just joking around or I am taking this way too seriously. That was until the bread situation!!
Funny enough he didn't even apologize. After that "tearing of bread into pieces" incident, he just stopped me that night to shake my hand..I don't know if that is bro code for apology . It's not about the fucking bread!! It is the fact of how weak and pathetic I felt when he did that and couldn't stand for myself cuz everyone else will support him .To rub salt into the injury my so called friends had a group meeting with me on how I should have stood up for myself and fought him. And what did I do to offend him so bad cuz the reaction was weird.
And in the evening when I made a promise to myself to stand up for myself in the future..Fate decided to played a cruel game with me that evening.
It was common for guys to go fetch water downstairs for the evening bath. I decided to help a junior friend of mine who was sick to do that. It was a long queue with junior guys. Normally seniors jump the queue for that but I decided not to ( Wrong choice by the way). And that got me trapped cuz Ice also happened to join the queue as well.. I tried jumping the queue to avoid him but Ice stop that and said of course the right thing to do is to lead by example and wait and the juniors agree with him. While we were both in the line and before I knew it. He started repeatedly groping me down my ass .. I tried turning back and signalling but no one of course noticed. That was until I stared him down with hate in my eyes and luckily that made him uncomfortable and he told the juniors to allow me to fetch my bucket and leave...... That made me realized that maybe I wasn't being delusional or overreacting and This guy is really doing all this on purpose. And waves of guilt and self hate flooded my mind and I hate myself for not protecting myself enough and be pathetic enough to be picked on like that
After I left that environment,I continue to obsessed about those stuffs until I saw him again for a moment which weirdly made me stop obsessing about it temporarily
And I can't tell anyone cuz I am afraid they won't take it seriously or just dismiss it. And I also come from a pretty very conservative country so you can only imagine.
I feel that I can't trust anyone really, the few people I told just plainly dismissed it as I am a guy and didn't really take it seriously.. Almost like I am overreacting which I knew I wasn't back then.
And back then I just wanted to tell someone, anyone but Alas I couldn't find the courage to even do that..
Even the option of therapy won't even solve that because I don't even believe in such and we'll it's not practiced over here by the way.
I still feel that I lost my innocence and can never be the same and I hold it against him but I am trying to forgive him for all that.
So any advice?
submitted by Cautious_Section_530 to TrueOffMyChest [link] [comments]
Just about 2 years ago, a mate of mine in the hostel Let's call him Ice was weirdly obsessed with me for some reason I don't know. We rarely talked of course because he didn't run in the same circles as I did. I don't know how this happened because we all grew up together though we weren't friends .
He is not the type of guy anyone would expect to do that .He has a gf, his cool friends gang and all that straight popular guys all do. While me in contrast is kinda the very opposite "not liked and outcasted by my mates due to weird rumors and plain homophobia not that " I am gay for the record".. So Ice basically did all kinds of shit like ogling, grope me repeatedly and then proceed to attack and belittle me at any chance he got that made me feel so fucking uncomfortable. At first I dismiss it as a mere joke that was untill an certain incident happened that he bullied me : "tore my bread into pieces in front of me" for no reason at all
I can't even explain all the messed up things he did and I don't know if you understand but everyday I woke up paranoid of what Ice will do next to me and played numb to all that.
Let just say I would have forgotten it if I didn't have to remember that "creepy ass smirk" he had all the time while ogling without shame or groping me. It kinda sent the message "I can do anything I want with you, and you can't do anything about it" and I hated to admit that he was right and I was totally helpless given my situation at large . Fun fact is that I thought I was delusional about the whole incident and repeatedly gaslighting myself that maybe this guy was just joking around or I am taking this way too seriously. That was until the bread situation!!
Funny enough he didn't even apologize. After that "tearing of bread into pieces" incident, he just stopped me that night to shake my hand..I don't know if that is bro code for apology . It's not about the fucking bread!! It is the fact of how weak and pathetic I felt when he did that and couldn't stand for myself cuz everyone else will support him .To rub salt into the injury my so called friends had a group meeting with me on how I should have stood up for myself and fought him. And what did I do to offend him so bad cuz the reaction was weird.
And in the evening when I made a promise to myself to stand up for myself in the future..Fate decided to played a cruel game with me that evening.
It was common for guys to go fetch water downstairs for the evening bath. I decided to help a junior friend of mine who was sick to do that. It was a long queue with junior guys. Normally seniors jump the queue for that but I decided not to ( Wrong choice by the way). And that got me trapped cuz Ice also happened to join the queue as well.. I tried jumping the queue to avoid him but Ice stop that and said of course the right thing to do is to lead by example and wait and the juniors agree with him. While we were both in the line and before I knew it. He started repeatedly groping me down my ass .. I tried turning back and signalling but no one of course noticed. That was until I stared him down with hate in my eyes and luckily that made him uncomfortable and he told the juniors to allow me to fetch my bucket and leave...... That made me realized that maybe I wasn't being delusional or overreacting and This guy is really doing all this on purpose. And waves of guilt and self hate flooded my mind and I hate myself for not protecting myself enough and be pathetic enough to be picked on like that
After I left that environment,I continue to obsessed about those stuffs until I saw him again for a moment which weirdly made me stop obsessing about it temporarily
And I can't tell anyone cuz I am afraid they won't take it seriously or just dismiss it. And I also come from a pretty very conservative country so you can only imagine.
I feel that I can't trust anyone really, the few people I told just plainly dismissed it as I am a guy and didn't really take it seriously.. Almost like I am overreacting which I knew I wasn't back then.
And back then I just wanted to tell someone, anyone but Alas I couldn't find the courage to even do that..
Even the option of therapy won't even solve that because I don't even believe in such and we'll it's not practiced over here by the way.
I still feel that I lost my innocence and can never be the same and I hold it against him but I am trying to forgive him for all that.
So any advice?
2024.05.14 10:09 just1computer I (25F) want to distance myself from my friend (27F) how do I avoid conflict?
Apologies for any formatting issues; I'm on mobile
I've been friends with this girl for about 5 years now. We've gotten very close and I still have love for her but I just don't feel like this friendship is adding much to my life anymore since I don't feel like our relationship is very equal.
For context/background, I recently experienced a series of deaths in my immediate family as well as moving to another city so I've been going through a lot of stress and emotional turmoil. I would call her from time to time and admittedly a lot of those phone calls would be me crying and moping around. I hoped that she would be supportive but most of those calls would just result in telling me that I had bad vibes or change the subject back to her, usually about her dating life. I've been there for her for when her long term boyfriend broke up for her and even staying with her for weeks to make sure she was ok but when my mother passed, she didnt call me back until the next day and spent maybe an hour with me the next day since she had made dinner plans with someone else.
I did express to her that I felt like she hadn't been there for me as a friend and it felt like she didnt understand why I was upset but she apologized and I just didnt have the emotional capacity to fight with her so I just accepted her apology and I've just been cordial with her at this point. I don't really have the desire to continue this friendship anymore but we have a lot of mutual friends and I can't deal with any drama but she's texted me asking "why I don't love her anymore". I have no idea how to respond since I wanted to just let this friendship fizzle out and avoid conflict since I dont think she understands why I've been keeping my distance.
submitted by just1computer to relationship_advice [link] [comments]
I've been friends with this girl for about 5 years now. We've gotten very close and I still have love for her but I just don't feel like this friendship is adding much to my life anymore since I don't feel like our relationship is very equal.
For context/background, I recently experienced a series of deaths in my immediate family as well as moving to another city so I've been going through a lot of stress and emotional turmoil. I would call her from time to time and admittedly a lot of those phone calls would be me crying and moping around. I hoped that she would be supportive but most of those calls would just result in telling me that I had bad vibes or change the subject back to her, usually about her dating life. I've been there for her for when her long term boyfriend broke up for her and even staying with her for weeks to make sure she was ok but when my mother passed, she didnt call me back until the next day and spent maybe an hour with me the next day since she had made dinner plans with someone else.
I did express to her that I felt like she hadn't been there for me as a friend and it felt like she didnt understand why I was upset but she apologized and I just didnt have the emotional capacity to fight with her so I just accepted her apology and I've just been cordial with her at this point. I don't really have the desire to continue this friendship anymore but we have a lot of mutual friends and I can't deal with any drama but she's texted me asking "why I don't love her anymore". I have no idea how to respond since I wanted to just let this friendship fizzle out and avoid conflict since I dont think she understands why I've been keeping my distance.
2024.05.14 10:08 Expensive_Pangolin60 AITAH for giving honest feedback about my girlfriends bad breath on a bad day
Note: I am posting this for a coworkefriend. He knows about this thread changing my life so he wants to hear your judgement about something he has been agonizing over all morning. I gave him my opinion but I guess I am just one woman. I hope this is allowed he does not have Reddit. For reading comfort I will write in I form as he told it to me.
TLDR: I told my girlfriend she often has bad breath and to see a doctor about that on a day she was already feeling down and now I think I am single again.
I 34M have been with my girlfriend 31F for 7months. She is honestly the best and she makes me happy. We never had a fight before and we pride ourself in open honest communication.
Yesterday she stayed over at my place and was feeling down on herself. She has a bit of anxiety and a high pressure job. She had a spell of some mistakes and bad performances that haunted her. She told me she felt like she was letting everybody down and failing. However she had one silver lining. She had a feedback session with her team member who had been under performing and they took some difficult feedback she had for them to heart and thanked her for her honesty. She was happy that went well.
Triggered by the conversation about feedback I also had feedback for her. For a while I have been noticing bad breath. Not terrible but I am pretty sensitive to smells. I tried to figure out the cause so I could help her. But she has perfect teeth, hygiene, doesn’t smoke or eat junk food. As I couldn’t figure it out I assumed it must be a medical issue.
So I told her she often has bad breath and if she is okay with us seeing a doctor about it.
Her heart just broke before my eyes. I apologized that it might have been bad timing on my part. She said that it was okay and thanked me for my honesty… but it obviously was not okay. I saw her fighting back tears. When I asked her if I hurt her she said yes but that she is not angry as it was not my fault that her breath was bad and knowing my sensitivity to smells she felt bad I had to deal with it.
She got very quiet and I asked what the problem was. She said I just gave her another reason to hate herself today and this is the first time anyone ever said this to her. She never felt insecure about it but now wonders when her breath smelled… like all the time? Every moment? If she was the “ bad breath lady” at work. She said she felt gross, worthless. I tried to tell her I love her anyway and kiss her but she didn’t want to be touched especially not kissed.
She went upstairs to brush her teeth and I heard her cry. She climbed into bed with me later but not wanting to cuddle or to be touched.I felt her shaking and crying quietly. We are very physical people so not touching or holding her felt really weird. This morning she got up really early and sneaked out. She usually kisses me goodbye before she goes but she just went. She took most of her stuff. Not even sure if she just broke up with me? I have been trying to figure out how to handle this. She has send me no text and I don’t know what I could do or say. I just don’t understand what happend.
AITAH? Or is she just over reacting?
submitted by Expensive_Pangolin60 to AITAH [link] [comments]
TLDR: I told my girlfriend she often has bad breath and to see a doctor about that on a day she was already feeling down and now I think I am single again.
I 34M have been with my girlfriend 31F for 7months. She is honestly the best and she makes me happy. We never had a fight before and we pride ourself in open honest communication.
Yesterday she stayed over at my place and was feeling down on herself. She has a bit of anxiety and a high pressure job. She had a spell of some mistakes and bad performances that haunted her. She told me she felt like she was letting everybody down and failing. However she had one silver lining. She had a feedback session with her team member who had been under performing and they took some difficult feedback she had for them to heart and thanked her for her honesty. She was happy that went well.
Triggered by the conversation about feedback I also had feedback for her. For a while I have been noticing bad breath. Not terrible but I am pretty sensitive to smells. I tried to figure out the cause so I could help her. But she has perfect teeth, hygiene, doesn’t smoke or eat junk food. As I couldn’t figure it out I assumed it must be a medical issue.
So I told her she often has bad breath and if she is okay with us seeing a doctor about it.
Her heart just broke before my eyes. I apologized that it might have been bad timing on my part. She said that it was okay and thanked me for my honesty… but it obviously was not okay. I saw her fighting back tears. When I asked her if I hurt her she said yes but that she is not angry as it was not my fault that her breath was bad and knowing my sensitivity to smells she felt bad I had to deal with it.
She got very quiet and I asked what the problem was. She said I just gave her another reason to hate herself today and this is the first time anyone ever said this to her. She never felt insecure about it but now wonders when her breath smelled… like all the time? Every moment? If she was the “ bad breath lady” at work. She said she felt gross, worthless. I tried to tell her I love her anyway and kiss her but she didn’t want to be touched especially not kissed.
She went upstairs to brush her teeth and I heard her cry. She climbed into bed with me later but not wanting to cuddle or to be touched.I felt her shaking and crying quietly. We are very physical people so not touching or holding her felt really weird. This morning she got up really early and sneaked out. She usually kisses me goodbye before she goes but she just went. She took most of her stuff. Not even sure if she just broke up with me? I have been trying to figure out how to handle this. She has send me no text and I don’t know what I could do or say. I just don’t understand what happend.
AITAH? Or is she just over reacting?
2024.05.14 10:07 theremystics URGENT, need advice ASAP. Financial manipulation and abuse. Tricked into joint bank account. I have no clue what to do.
I'm a 27 yr old female. Tl;dr... If I wanted to leave now, they could totally cut off my bank account. I didn't have a joint bank account before. Lady at the bank was saying "it is the same as before... oh AND doing a joint account? My kids are still all on mine." I guess denial is everything. I didn't want that. But didn't speak up, since my mom gave me money to open a new one (I've been sick. Context below.)
Here is a lot of context/rants so read 1st, and skip to 2nd to last paragraph maybe to skim it... Essentially, I have been out of work for a while. I got covid in December, and pretty bad covid too. I already had issues before that, I eat cleanly and am super healthy but have a wonky immune system. I also have narcolepsy with cataplexy (N1,) as stated by a sleep dr. 6 years ago, but I didn't believe him and never followed up. They ruled out seizures and MS and I am terrified of doctors (especially now, after being yelled at by my family for my saying I needed to go to the ER with severe vomiting and vertigo, I have an inner ear thing. It acts up with allergies. Azelastine nasal spray has prevented it so I am happy for that. Humid climates fuck with me too. Before, I thought I was dying. Multiple times this has happened and I was told I would be viewed as "crazy," and they would put me away forever, so I would be better off dying myself. told me to off myself but i blocked out the exact phrasing. because I was panicking AND I COULDN'T STOP SHAKING AND VOMITING CUZ DEHYDRATION. My GP said I should go to the hospital. Praise god, or the universe thank god, I didn't die but, it was bad. Somehow, I may wish I had. But that wouldn't have been very fun.)
After covid, the N1 got worse. Much worse. I already am on high dose stimulant meds for ADHD (which is half of the treatment for N1 anyway and partially why I never followed up 6-7yrs ago, I know I'm dumb sometimes but I just thought it was a fluke.) and have been for a while. I CAN'T STAY AWAKE for things. It isn't depression (well, maybe a bit now, which doesn't help lmfao, because this shit is depressing. But I still WANT to better my life, not consistent with depression... I AM JUST SO FUCKING TIRED AND SLEEPY AND sometimes i can't tell what is real and what is not. Also cataplexy, have it on camera accidentally. And a 30s microsleep. Like this is serious. I just can't properly deal with this until I do a sleep study, insurance changes and I hated the place/organization I was with originally, not for the sleep doctor, but for a multitude of other reasons... wish i remembered that nurses' name so I can report her. It was pulling teeth with my now-retired GP for any basic med too! So, finding a new sleep doctor and study, which isn't for months.) AND THE INSURANCE COMPANIES HATE THIS CONDITION because the drugs to treat it are very controlled substances, and one in particular is V expensive/insurance loves to throw a hissy fit about. (yet another reason why I put it off, but it is an emergency at this point. I pushed as much as I could, I'm just NOT sleeping when/how normal humans should and it is ruining my life yay. I never feel rested. Ever. I pray that I will, on the odd occasion but it's like 0-1/10 in the range of 10 being well rested.)
I'm trying to justify my issues to you guys.
I am living w/ my parents. I lived in another state in college, had a planet fitness membership and GYM MEMBERSHIPS WILL RUIN YOUR LIFE stg. Jesus. Wouldn't let me cancel, I kept pausing it for as long as I could. I'm not about to drive 4hrs to cancel a gym membership, since it was out of state the employees at branches near me either didn't know what they were doing or said I wasn't allowed to do that... But I got sick this year and forgot. Bank account overdrawn. LITERALLY LESS THAN 14 DAYS overdrawn. Part of it was an overdraft fee. AND THEY CLOSED IT. I had been sick for months but was pet sitting and doing SOME THINGS (like selling old clothes, etc.) to keep a positive balance. I just got REALLY WAYY too sleepy to care about anything. And was screamed at, my father came at me physically and told me to sleep on the street a month+ ago, because I wasn't invited to one of my only childhood friend's wedding. When both of my parents were, and I WAS UPSET. I am an adopted only child with a small family. This meant a lot to me. I never saw who the envelope was addressed to.
For my birthday, my mom offered to go into the bank with me to help the situation (I felt so embarrassed, I didn't want to do it alone and embarrassed that I was falling asleep the whole time too. The lady told a joke and I just collapsed onto the desk haha, cataplexy literally. I usually hide from my family, because I don't want to be bullied.) The kind lady helping me mentioned "joint bank account." It was my birthday, and my mom was there so I was scared of speaking up and ruining any joy that I had. I just realized now, that means that my mom AND DAD have access to all of my finances. I am super private. I AM NOT OKAY WITH THIS. PERIOD, POINT MF BLANK jesus.
My bank account is not my own anymore. I am 27 years old. My dad refuses to let me have the rest of my money (college money, which was never used as I got scholarships based on talent... yeah. too bad I'm a human with needs too. There may b tax issues? But it is only a few thousand left, which is still enough to open a bank account on my own so at least I have that independence.)
I am working through my issues, and when I am bleeding out SO MUCH I am getting dizzy, because my dad cornered me (he is 2x my size,) in the kitchen next to a knife block, physically laying hands on me for being upset about a non-invite wedding which is a rational response, I had to physically stab myself IN THE NECK to get him to be shocked and move over enough so that I could move to a safer location where I had a way to escape. Didn't occur to me I could have hurt him instead. Was bleeding for hours and hours, cut deeper than I meant to, but I didn't even want to. It was all I could think of to get him OFF OF ME. Yes I am in therapy. This makes no sense to anyone. But my parents because I am not allowed to have any feelings in their eyes, and they won't want to feel upset if I am upset they go to a wedding of a close (like closer than my cousins,) family friend without me. THEY NEVER EVEN TOLD ME I WASN'T INVITED. I had to joke about it for my mom to get the "oh, we thought you knew." I SAW THE INVITATION. It didn't say the names of who was invited. Why would I think I wasn't?
So it is no mystery why I don't trust these people. I am so exhausted and SLEEPY that I try to limit driving as much as possible. If a sleep attack is coming on, I DON'T PUSH through it. (learned the hard way years ago haha, car accidents are only fun in GTA.) I am in the process of getting more help, but insurance doesn't care if we live or die apparently. Neither does my family it seems.
WHAT DO I DO?! Do I call the bank??? Tell the lady (who is also good friends with my family,) like, hey... uh there was a mistake I don't want a joint bank account. My mom gave my $500 AS A BDAY gift, which was nice. But it was used to reopen what I thought, was my bank account.
submitted by theremystics to raisedbynarcissists [link] [comments]
Here is a lot of context/rants so read 1st, and skip to 2nd to last paragraph maybe to skim it... Essentially, I have been out of work for a while. I got covid in December, and pretty bad covid too. I already had issues before that, I eat cleanly and am super healthy but have a wonky immune system. I also have narcolepsy with cataplexy (N1,) as stated by a sleep dr. 6 years ago, but I didn't believe him and never followed up. They ruled out seizures and MS and I am terrified of doctors (especially now, after being yelled at by my family for my saying I needed to go to the ER with severe vomiting and vertigo, I have an inner ear thing. It acts up with allergies. Azelastine nasal spray has prevented it so I am happy for that. Humid climates fuck with me too. Before, I thought I was dying. Multiple times this has happened and I was told I would be viewed as "crazy," and they would put me away forever, so I would be better off dying myself. told me to off myself but i blocked out the exact phrasing. because I was panicking AND I COULDN'T STOP SHAKING AND VOMITING CUZ DEHYDRATION. My GP said I should go to the hospital. Praise god, or the universe thank god, I didn't die but, it was bad. Somehow, I may wish I had. But that wouldn't have been very fun.)
After covid, the N1 got worse. Much worse. I already am on high dose stimulant meds for ADHD (which is half of the treatment for N1 anyway and partially why I never followed up 6-7yrs ago, I know I'm dumb sometimes but I just thought it was a fluke.) and have been for a while. I CAN'T STAY AWAKE for things. It isn't depression (well, maybe a bit now, which doesn't help lmfao, because this shit is depressing. But I still WANT to better my life, not consistent with depression... I AM JUST SO FUCKING TIRED AND SLEEPY AND sometimes i can't tell what is real and what is not. Also cataplexy, have it on camera accidentally. And a 30s microsleep. Like this is serious. I just can't properly deal with this until I do a sleep study, insurance changes and I hated the place/organization I was with originally, not for the sleep doctor, but for a multitude of other reasons... wish i remembered that nurses' name so I can report her. It was pulling teeth with my now-retired GP for any basic med too! So, finding a new sleep doctor and study, which isn't for months.) AND THE INSURANCE COMPANIES HATE THIS CONDITION because the drugs to treat it are very controlled substances, and one in particular is V expensive/insurance loves to throw a hissy fit about. (yet another reason why I put it off, but it is an emergency at this point. I pushed as much as I could, I'm just NOT sleeping when/how normal humans should and it is ruining my life yay. I never feel rested. Ever. I pray that I will, on the odd occasion but it's like 0-1/10 in the range of 10 being well rested.)
I'm trying to justify my issues to you guys.
I am living w/ my parents. I lived in another state in college, had a planet fitness membership and GYM MEMBERSHIPS WILL RUIN YOUR LIFE stg. Jesus. Wouldn't let me cancel, I kept pausing it for as long as I could. I'm not about to drive 4hrs to cancel a gym membership, since it was out of state the employees at branches near me either didn't know what they were doing or said I wasn't allowed to do that... But I got sick this year and forgot. Bank account overdrawn. LITERALLY LESS THAN 14 DAYS overdrawn. Part of it was an overdraft fee. AND THEY CLOSED IT. I had been sick for months but was pet sitting and doing SOME THINGS (like selling old clothes, etc.) to keep a positive balance. I just got REALLY WAYY too sleepy to care about anything. And was screamed at, my father came at me physically and told me to sleep on the street a month+ ago, because I wasn't invited to one of my only childhood friend's wedding. When both of my parents were, and I WAS UPSET. I am an adopted only child with a small family. This meant a lot to me. I never saw who the envelope was addressed to.
For my birthday, my mom offered to go into the bank with me to help the situation (I felt so embarrassed, I didn't want to do it alone and embarrassed that I was falling asleep the whole time too. The lady told a joke and I just collapsed onto the desk haha, cataplexy literally. I usually hide from my family, because I don't want to be bullied.) The kind lady helping me mentioned "joint bank account." It was my birthday, and my mom was there so I was scared of speaking up and ruining any joy that I had. I just realized now, that means that my mom AND DAD have access to all of my finances. I am super private. I AM NOT OKAY WITH THIS. PERIOD, POINT MF BLANK jesus.
My bank account is not my own anymore. I am 27 years old. My dad refuses to let me have the rest of my money (college money, which was never used as I got scholarships based on talent... yeah. too bad I'm a human with needs too. There may b tax issues? But it is only a few thousand left, which is still enough to open a bank account on my own so at least I have that independence.)
I am working through my issues, and when I am bleeding out SO MUCH I am getting dizzy, because my dad cornered me (he is 2x my size,) in the kitchen next to a knife block, physically laying hands on me for being upset about a non-invite wedding which is a rational response, I had to physically stab myself IN THE NECK to get him to be shocked and move over enough so that I could move to a safer location where I had a way to escape. Didn't occur to me I could have hurt him instead. Was bleeding for hours and hours, cut deeper than I meant to, but I didn't even want to. It was all I could think of to get him OFF OF ME. Yes I am in therapy. This makes no sense to anyone. But my parents because I am not allowed to have any feelings in their eyes, and they won't want to feel upset if I am upset they go to a wedding of a close (like closer than my cousins,) family friend without me. THEY NEVER EVEN TOLD ME I WASN'T INVITED. I had to joke about it for my mom to get the "oh, we thought you knew." I SAW THE INVITATION. It didn't say the names of who was invited. Why would I think I wasn't?
So it is no mystery why I don't trust these people. I am so exhausted and SLEEPY that I try to limit driving as much as possible. If a sleep attack is coming on, I DON'T PUSH through it. (learned the hard way years ago haha, car accidents are only fun in GTA.) I am in the process of getting more help, but insurance doesn't care if we live or die apparently. Neither does my family it seems.
WHAT DO I DO?! Do I call the bank??? Tell the lady (who is also good friends with my family,) like, hey... uh there was a mistake I don't want a joint bank account. My mom gave my $500 AS A BDAY gift, which was nice. But it was used to reopen what I thought, was my bank account.
2024.05.14 10:07 RichellaMadden How Periodontal Deep Cleaning Can Transform Your Oral Health
Periodontal deep cleaning, also known as scaling and root planning, is a specialized dental procedure designed to treat gum disease and prevent its progression. Unlike regular cleanings, which focus on removing plaque and tartar from the visible surfaces of the teeth, deep cleaning targets the buildup of bacteria and debris below the gum line.
Gum disease, or periodontal disease, occurs when bacteria accumulate in the gum pockets, leading to inflammation, bleeding gums, bad breath, and even tooth loss if left untreated. Periodontal deep cleaning is a highly effective treatment for gum disease, as it removes the bacteria, plaque, and tartar that contribute to its development.
The Benefits of Periodontal Deep Cleaning
While periodontal deep cleaning may cause some discomfort, it is generally not a painful experience. Your dentist can numb your gums with a topical or local anesthetic to minimize any potential discomfort during the procedure. After the numbing agent takes effect, the dentist will use specialized instruments to remove plaque and tartar buildup above and below the gum line.
Taking care of your oral health is a lifelong commitment, and Madison Dentistry & Implant Center is here to support you every step of the way. Contact us now. If you're experiencing symptoms of gum disease or are concerned about your oral health, it's crucial to seek professional dental care. Schedule your consultation today to start your journey toward a healthier, happier smile.
submitted by RichellaMadden to u/RichellaMadden [link] [comments]
Gum disease, or periodontal disease, occurs when bacteria accumulate in the gum pockets, leading to inflammation, bleeding gums, bad breath, and even tooth loss if left untreated. Periodontal deep cleaning is a highly effective treatment for gum disease, as it removes the bacteria, plaque, and tartar that contribute to its development.
The Benefits of Periodontal Deep Cleaning
- Halting the Advancement of Gum Disease: Periodontal deep cleaning plays a crucial role in stopping the progression of gum disease. By eliminating the bacteria and debris below the gum line, it helps prevent further damage to the gums and surrounding structures.
- Treating Infections and Promoting Healing: Deep cleaning removes the source of infection, allowing the gums to heal and reattach to the teeth properly. This promotes healthier gum tissue and reduces inflammation.
- Thorough Cleaning of Teeth and Gum Pockets: With periodontal deep cleaning, your dentist can access areas that regular brushing and flossing cannot reach. This ensures a thorough removal of plaque, tartar, and bacteria from both the teeth and the gum pockets.
- Eliminating Bad Breath: Gum disease often leads to persistent bad breath. By addressing the underlying infection through deep cleaning, you can enjoy fresher breath and improved oral hygiene.
- Protecting the Roots of Your Teeth: As gum disease progresses, it can cause the gums to recede, exposing the tooth roots. Deep cleaning helps protect the roots by removing the bacteria and debris that contribute to gum recession.
While periodontal deep cleaning may cause some discomfort, it is generally not a painful experience. Your dentist can numb your gums with a topical or local anesthetic to minimize any potential discomfort during the procedure. After the numbing agent takes effect, the dentist will use specialized instruments to remove plaque and tartar buildup above and below the gum line.
Taking care of your oral health is a lifelong commitment, and Madison Dentistry & Implant Center is here to support you every step of the way. Contact us now. If you're experiencing symptoms of gum disease or are concerned about your oral health, it's crucial to seek professional dental care. Schedule your consultation today to start your journey toward a healthier, happier smile.
2024.05.14 10:00 Extra-Reality-1032 My fiance ‘22M’ and I ‘21F’ are having bedroom troubles, what do I do?
So, my fiance ( M, 22) and I ( F, 21 ) have been engaged for a little more than a year now. It’s been a rocky road, I just had a baby about 3 months ago and even before the baby was born our sex life has been ridiculous.
For example; I wouldn’t be satisfied, it would slip and hurt me vv badly to the point I would cry, I would be turned off, he would go soft, etc., etc. It’s just a never ending circle of failing. At first maybe around 6-7 months ago, he would go limp and we would both would laugh it off. Later on, I would over think and try to top up my game by taking a shower, brushing my teeth, deodorant all the hygienic stuff right before we went to bed or right before I knew he would wake up (usually our private time). But that wasn’t working either, it made me feel like I wasn’t attractive anymore and we sat down and talked about it. He said that he would just be stressed. So, I tried to make it a little calmer and tried talking to him about things every 2 days so he could get things off his mind and try to relieve the stress, didn’t work. I asked him what positions work for him and what turns him on the most but nothing worked, I felt like even when I’m trying to risk my satisfaction for him it didn’t matter because he wasn’t being satisfied. (I’m not including oral, that area is perfectly fine.) He says that he doesn’t really have any fantasies or things that he wants to try, no matter how much I ask him. I’ve told him that vanilla is wonderful and I would like to do it that way and he would agree until we start getting to it and it’s almost like he never heard me in the first place, even if it was rough I’ve told him what I like but it NEVER happens or happenED.
I’m not sure what to do at this point in time anymore. Some days it’s okay for him, maybe once every week maybe more? but I’m still not getting any satisfaction from anything we’ve been doing. I don’t even thing I’ve got the full sunshine and rainbows since we’ve been together, I would lie about it. I mean it feels good but at the end of it all I’m either hot and sweating or throbbing from overstimulation and not being able to relieve any built up activity.
I have no idea what to do about this at all, I love him. We’ve have some rocky times since the baby but I feel like things have gotten a lot better for us emotionally and mentally since the past two months. I just want us to be able to get through whatever we are going through with our sex life because I mean it’s not like this is a new problem for me. This might sound ridiculous but I started the free month trial for the brand Blew chew (which in my knowledge is chewable viagra) he’s been talking about viagra for the passed 2 weeks so I figured I would surprise him with it? I know we already discussed we don’t want an open relationship, we want to stay together and have had a moment in time where we almost separated due to mental and emotional bumps but we’ve smoothed out the bumps in those areas and we are so happy together when it comes to loving each other and loving our 2 kids. We have so much fun with the kids and just by ourselves, but when it comes to both of us in the bedroom I don’t know what to do.
If anyone might have any advice please let me know! Thank you!
submitted by Extra-Reality-1032 to relationship_advice [link] [comments]
For example; I wouldn’t be satisfied, it would slip and hurt me vv badly to the point I would cry, I would be turned off, he would go soft, etc., etc. It’s just a never ending circle of failing. At first maybe around 6-7 months ago, he would go limp and we would both would laugh it off. Later on, I would over think and try to top up my game by taking a shower, brushing my teeth, deodorant all the hygienic stuff right before we went to bed or right before I knew he would wake up (usually our private time). But that wasn’t working either, it made me feel like I wasn’t attractive anymore and we sat down and talked about it. He said that he would just be stressed. So, I tried to make it a little calmer and tried talking to him about things every 2 days so he could get things off his mind and try to relieve the stress, didn’t work. I asked him what positions work for him and what turns him on the most but nothing worked, I felt like even when I’m trying to risk my satisfaction for him it didn’t matter because he wasn’t being satisfied. (I’m not including oral, that area is perfectly fine.) He says that he doesn’t really have any fantasies or things that he wants to try, no matter how much I ask him. I’ve told him that vanilla is wonderful and I would like to do it that way and he would agree until we start getting to it and it’s almost like he never heard me in the first place, even if it was rough I’ve told him what I like but it NEVER happens or happenED.
I’m not sure what to do at this point in time anymore. Some days it’s okay for him, maybe once every week maybe more? but I’m still not getting any satisfaction from anything we’ve been doing. I don’t even thing I’ve got the full sunshine and rainbows since we’ve been together, I would lie about it. I mean it feels good but at the end of it all I’m either hot and sweating or throbbing from overstimulation and not being able to relieve any built up activity.
I have no idea what to do about this at all, I love him. We’ve have some rocky times since the baby but I feel like things have gotten a lot better for us emotionally and mentally since the past two months. I just want us to be able to get through whatever we are going through with our sex life because I mean it’s not like this is a new problem for me. This might sound ridiculous but I started the free month trial for the brand Blew chew (which in my knowledge is chewable viagra) he’s been talking about viagra for the passed 2 weeks so I figured I would surprise him with it? I know we already discussed we don’t want an open relationship, we want to stay together and have had a moment in time where we almost separated due to mental and emotional bumps but we’ve smoothed out the bumps in those areas and we are so happy together when it comes to loving each other and loving our 2 kids. We have so much fun with the kids and just by ourselves, but when it comes to both of us in the bedroom I don’t know what to do.
If anyone might have any advice please let me know! Thank you!
2024.05.14 09:58 EnemyTizian I can’t connect my watch anymore, any tips? (See text below)
 | I have the Series 2, and want to connect it with my IPhone 11. when I start the app I can start to connect and scan the watch. Then it wants to load the update for the watch, but after that it either says no connection possible or the watch shows this icon in the picture and after a while the phone starts the disconnection process. Then it all starts again…. Has anybody an idea or has the same issue? iPhone software is up to date. I tried to hard reset the watch but it doesn’t work, just starts again and wants to connect. I have no ideas left! Im very grateful for any help! (And sorry for bad English!) submitted by EnemyTizian to AppleWatch [link] [comments] |