I would really like to find something similar to {Find me (WITSEC) by Ashley N. Rostek} that I read about a year ago.
The FMC is a mysterious transfer student, with a tragic past, who moves to town from Alaska for a fresh start. The author does a really good job of developing relationships, individual characters (especially the FMC), and setting up the FMC to respond to her trauma in a realistic and interesting way without a cringy amount of “woe is me” attitude.
To summarize without giving too many details, there was stalking, kidnapping, murder, and psychological torture before she was able to escape. This left the FMC with physical and emotional damage which bleeds through in her daily life through night terrors and PTSD flashbacks.
The details were pretty dark and there were some triggers but her growth, story, and the relationships she is able to build afterwards all made it a great read.
The story could also include an abusive family or significant other, kidnapping, captivity, experimentation if we’re talking fantasy, etc. You get the picture.
I‘m looking for survivor vibes
Pleaaaaase recommend anything that comes to mind. Thank you!!

I have a friend group that I thought I was getting along great with for several months, but I recently discovered that members of this group (4 adults in their 30s) frequently refer to me as a slur for intellectually disabled people when I'm not around, followed by laughing and cajoling. They also relay this to people outside of this friend group, which of course colors everyone else's perception of me negatively.
Granted I do sometimes behave a bit odd and don't talk very much (and almost always regret talking when I do find an opportunity to say something), but I've been nothing but kind and friendly to these people and go out of my way to help them with projects and programming tasks, so this does hurt a bit to be seen as little more than entertainment they can make fun of when I'm not there.
It also stings because I felt like I could relax a bit and be myself around them without harsh judgement, which felt fantastic after nearly 20 years of nonstop masking, but now I'm realizing they were probably just being deceptive and pretending to tolerate me for their own amusement.
Do I cut these people out of my life (and lose 90% of my social interaction as a consequence), or just accept my role as the friend who secretly gets labeled as mentally handicapped? For what it's worth, I still value them individually and think they're fun to hang out with, and going back to being alone is kind of a depressing prospect. TIA!

Hoping this is a good place to ask for advice on this.
I (26m) went through a pretty rough breakup this time last year (I’m sure if you look at my post history you can see the struggle). I’ve spent a lot of time working on myself and find myself in a comfortable place, still a little lost at times but at least my head is on straight.
A few months after my breakup I reconnected with an old friend (28f). I’d say we hadn’t spoken in 15+ years but it was as if no time passed at all, we clicked straight away. Since then we have spoken quite a lot, mainly at the gym/in church but she has recently started to invite me out for different occasions. It’s possible she is just being nice but she can be very flirtatious at times.
I would say I’m interested but we both are in a ‘figuring ourselves out’ stage of life - something we briefly touched on last night while chatting about how she recently ended a dating situation she was in.
The real ‘sticky’ thing about all of this is the fact she seperated from her husband 3 years ago due to his lifestyle, so far she has been unable to get the paperwork signed (he’s usually out of it) + they have two children together, one of which requires extra attention. This doesn’t really bother me but it does leave me with some concerns as he still tries to contact her regularly despite the fact he isn’t involved in his children’s life (can’t be trusted) plus I fear she may not want anymore children down the line while I would like some of my own.
We do get along very well and I’ve really enjoyed getting to know her again but with everything that’s going on I’m unsure what to do. I don’t even know if she has any feelings towards me other than friendship, she can be very flirtatious but some of that is her personality. She also asks on occasion if I have been talking to anyone / going on dates which could be interpreted in any way 🤷🏻‍♂️ Both of us are very much go with the flow kind of people so I would be okay letting it play out but I fear ruining the friendship or us hurting each other in some way, we’ve both had enough hurt before.
I guess I’d just like to know what you guys think and how you would navigate something like this.

Since I was a kid, I knew how my parents were. I used to hate them; I felt left out. My parents used to sleep separately. My mom and us would sleep in a different house, and my father would sleep in our childhood home. Sometimes we slept together. We were that type of middle-class family—my parents could buy us our wants and needs, but due to business, they were busy. My dad sometimes went to his childhood province. Being a second child, I was kind of a brat and talked back to my parents. But as I grew up, I got shy and became an introvert. It’s hard for me to share my problems with people or even my parents.
We have a lot of houses, specifically my grandparents’. They are upper-class people. Different people, relatives, and nannies took care of us while our parents traveled or were busy with business. I didn’t care much, but in 5th grade, I learned my dad cheated on my mom with my mom’s best friend. They got married secretly and had a child. It really bothered me. I started to change; I got quiet, shy, and very introverted while my mom was suffering. But I also hated her instead of hating my dad because she didn’t really care about us. She cared more about our sibling. She didn’t even know how to be a wife to my dad. Still, my dad divorced his second wife and got back together with my mom.
By the way, when we found out about the cheating, my mom was also pregnant with her 6th child. Now we’re seven siblings altogether. I also have an online friend who I met online. I started sharing my problems with her to the point she even changed her IG user to my name, like @(myname)ismygirlfriend. And by the way, she’s not my girlfriend; she’s just a friend. Then one day, my mom spanked me and told me to go take a shower. I brought my phone with me and chatted with that online friend in the bathroom. My mom checked the bathroom because it didn’t have a lock. She caught me and was trying to get my phone, but I was pulling it back because I had sent a message saying, "I hope my parents divorce." That message really ruined my life. Do I regret sending that message? Maybe yes, maybe no.
Another thing is my diary, where there’s a page saying I hate her and I wish she hadn’t become my mom. I wished my dad’s youngest sister was my mom because I was jealous of my cousin and how my auntie treated them. For months I was suffering because my mom was hurting me almost every day, and I was suffering almost every day. One thing for sure was considering suicide. I was suffering from depression and anxiety at that time, but my mom doesn’t believe in that stuff when it comes to me because my parents said I was just being distracted by a devil.
Since I was a kid, I knew I was not the favorite child, but it’s okay; I learned to live with it. I also developed a habit of stealing money from my parents, and they found out about it twice. They always bring it up when something is missing; they would immediately ask me. By the way, part of my diary is about me trying to change, but it’s hard when they keep bringing up my past. All those bad habits were left in my past, but you choose to bring them up whenever there’s a topic about those habits. You would bring it up. Yes, I still constantly leave whenever you talk and try to teach me a lesson, but because you guys keep bringing up my past. Sorry if I was disrespectful, but I'm really tired of you guys abusing me mentally and physically. You’re ruining me day by day. I can’t wait to leave this house and prove something. If being boastful is what my parents call me, I don’t care. I’m tired. There’s a lot that you guys don’t know about because these are only a few things you they did to me.

Link for all the chapters available here: Engines of Arachnea on Royal Road
It had not been a restful night, all things considered.
First there had been that hideous roar which had shaken the whole jungle into frightened silence, the cries of the nocturnal creatures obliterated by what Zildiz had first mistaken for a violent monsoon wind. For the second time in this miserable day she had looked up and beheld a creature which had no place in the natural world. A winged manta moving so swiftly that it had already passed out of sight before she could even begin to process what she had just seen.
The last thing she needed right now was another challenge to her already tenuous understanding of the world as it was. The grey behemoth from earlier had already left her mind groping for some rational explanation, one that continued to elude her despite Zildiz’s best attempts to form useful analogies.
Sleep soon proved impossible. Her agile mind was too busy wrestling with questions. Was the grey behemoth an act of nature or the result of the Vitalus’ direct intervention, a sort of living earthquake or forest fire that he could summon at will? Had the Vitalus created it solely to eradicate an entire biome? If so, then why? The Amits had always been a central part of the cycles of change, altering the atmosphere through their mound respiratory systems and building the wind walls to help regulare the climate. Why had they drawn the All-In-One’s displeasure? Alternatively, if It had not created the grey behemoth, then what had?
Zildiz left her lair and went for a walk to clear her head. It was well and truly night now, black as the pit and with only the stars to guide her steps. Zildiz’s compound eyes were useless in these conditions. Thankfully her other pair were designed specifically for this, their yellow irises widening to double their usual diameter. Gallivants sometimes hunted at night, though it was a bit trickier than in the day. Her simple eyes could only see within a narrow frontal cone and left her blind in the directions in which she was not directly facing.
Her olfactory organs caught the scent of some speckled tree frogs and she hovered up into the lower boughs of the trees, impaling them on her mantid blades and skinning them carefully to avoid the poisonous coatings which they secreted. Her digestive system could weed out all but the deadliest of toxins, but tonight she wanted to relax and conserve her strength.
That is, until she picked up the trail of another animal close by. She found its tracks in the soil, catching the bright sheen where its feet had compacted the mud. Judging by the depth and spacing of the prints, Zildiz concluded that it was heavy and slow-moving. Also, it had no toes—its foot was made up of a single large hoof that left zigzagging patterns of grooves.
Confusing. Then again, she wasn’t all that familiar with the species of this biome. Well, whatever it was she looked forward to finding out what it tasted like. Zildiz was ravenous. Come to think of it, she had heard what sounded like a large animal crashing through the forest shortly after the flying monsters had appeared, no doubt fleeing from them in fear. Sharpening her blades against each other, Zildiz eagerly set off in pursuit.
Such a meal would sustain her for days. Enough to get her back home again without having to constantly stop and hunt for victuals. This animal did not move quickly even when it was clearly in a hurry. It was the sort of prey-form she could run down even in her injured state. A broken branch and a stone overturned from its resting place guided her in for the kill.
She was close now, barely thirteen wingspans away if she had to guess from the richness of its scent. Too close to risk using her wings—the noise of their fluttering would give her away. Still, it would be better to attack it from above, if only to save her the trouble of a long chase through unfamiliar territory. She sheathed her blades in their housings of flesh and stole up a nearby trunk, her light body making barely a rustle as she transferred her weight between the branches. The going was tortuously slow. She didn’t know how the Leapers could put up with this painstaking approach to killing. It just seemed so very inefficient compared to her way of doing things.
Zildiz took a moment to let her eyes adjust to the deepening night. It did not take long to spot the prey-form. An albino! Its exoskeleton was as white as the snow she’d glimpsed on the peaks of far-off mountains beyond the salt plains. Zildiz wondered how it could have survived long enough to grow so large. The complete lack of camouflage, the plodding pace and the lack of any noticeable armaments made it perfect Leaper food. Perhaps it had some sort of hidden defense mechanism? Like spewing noxious musk out of a gland next to its anus, or having poisonous skin like the frogs (perhaps that would explain its bright and noticeable colors)? What if it was tracking her movements even now, just waiting for her to play right into its hands? Oh, but that would be a clever survival strategy. Zildiz hesitated, beginning to suspect a trap.
But the longer she observed the prey-form, the quicker she came to the conclusion that it was not some cunning adversary, but rather a slow-witted member of its species.
It had tried to hide by wedging itself between the roots of a fatwax tree, covering itself with a single broad palm leaf in a pathetic attempt at camouflage. Something in its total defenselessness and the way it was tucked up into a ball with its arms and legs drawn in reminded Zildiz of her own children. She even felt a morsel of guilt at having to kill it before she squashed the unexpected emotion within herself.
Guilt? For ensuring her survival and that of her brood? She was getting soft in her age. Zildiz made the final preparations, adjusting her footing for the pounce that would end it all. A blade stuck between head and thorax would do it, followed by a twisting wrench of her wrist to sever the nerve cord and render the prey-form totally paralyzed, but still alive as she fed upon it. Zildiz preferred them that way—all the flavors really came to the fore when the meat was still fresh and twitching in the mouth.
She was just about to make her move when an odd breeze made the follicles on her neck stand on end. Danger! Zildiz froze in place and scanned the jungle floor, careful not to move single muscle for fear of giving away her position. Four figures detached themselves from the shifting shadows, each standing nine feet tall on their long, hairy and backwards-jointed legs and making not a whisper as they converged onto her tree.
Leapers! Fighting against the mounting horror she felt, Zildiz steeled herself for the fight of her life.
Link for all the chapters available here: Engines of Arachnea on Royal Road

I thought that there was one company that actually cared about the consumer but it's just another company that cares more about everything else. That's how my opinion has changed on Nothing.
Typing this from a nothing phone 2.
3 of my friends have the phone 1 and all of them have complaints, ranging from photos not saving (I've had that one too), phone overheating and hanging up, low performance, etc. The largest one, is nothing just outright ignoring the issues with the phone 1 and not giving them much in the form of updates as they gave the phone 2. I understand they want to sell more of the new phone but they have ignored the people who trusted their first phone.
I preordered the phone 2 and have had it since day 1. My problems (phone 2) have been, it sometimes becomes unresponsive when I am recieving a whatsapp call. The camera sometimes doesnt save pictures. It has a twice or thrice gotten very hot on a phone call, so much that I couldnt keep it on my cheek. Inconsitency in photos has been a thing, ans they dont save sometimes. Overall the phone isnt bad. The phone never told me if an update was available. I always had to check myself. There's no real use of the glyphs. Because you cant use the timer in the clock app to use the glyph timer. And its really easy to stop it midway by mistake. There arent many apps that use the glyph integration, and the ones that do are inconsistent. Zomato has only worked once for me. And I checked, its still on. I dont use uber.
The good about the phone. Great battery life, one of the best phones at the price, Looks great, pictures are very nice, not as good as pixel or samsung or iphones. But this has its own look and I like it. Even though it isnt consistent and wont save some pictures. It was fixed but still happens sometimes. Love the Nothing UI.
The marketing from nothing is the stupidest I have ever seen from a company. They called a kid to reveal a product and it was visible on his face that he was asking the questions that they told him to ask. The video in which they answered the concerns with phone 2(a) 's design. I actually liked the design personally but the way they handled it in the video sounded like this - "we know that people have not recieved it well. We know people dont like it. But we made it and it is a good design, and we know it, and people dont understand it" it didnt feel like they owned the idea. They didnt accept it and it felt like a media trained answer. Something like an apple kind of reply. They didnt really say well we tried to do something new and that's what innovation is. That's all I was waiting to hear through the whole video.
The glyph was improved the apple way. The glyph interface for nothing phone 1 was never updated. Even though they could have added features like priority notifications, notification for a certain app etc. The nothing phone 3 will have some new glyph features that the 2 could trchnically have but they just gatekeep it like apple. The nothing composer could easily have a communtiy tab to share tracks and if they havent yet considered the idea. They should stop calling themselves innovators. I can myself think of atleast 10 new ways that the glyph interface could be used to improve the experience but they are just not improving it. It's just a gimmick to me. Just a party trick.
Also cmf buds pro suck, the noise cancellation is so bad, that they seem expensively bad.
I might still consider buying another nothing phone in the future, but not with the idea that they are a company that want the consumer to have what they want. They are just another company making smartphones.
Also atrocious naming scheme. Is it going to be the nothing phone (3) or the 'nothing phone' this time? Who is that dumb? Who are you? The USB forum?

Disclaimer: I am agnostic and do not consider myself a theist by any means. This is also my first post in this sub so if I am not making any sense please feel free to critique it.
Cellular Biology as potential proof of an intelligent designer?
This is a theory I came across recently and I will paste it in here.

After reading a few college level books on molecular and cellular biology I was blown away by the parallels between computers and the mechanisms within the cell. My honest reaction was - How the f**k can anyone look at this science and not see a creator?
I’m a science guy, I respect science, I made a very good living in science but there is no way I could look at the facts about cellular biology (that everyone agrees with) and believe it happened by chance. Even when I specifically looked for evidence of how life first emerged (abiogenesis), I could not find it and so far, neither has science.
Yes, I know all about how molecules can bond spontaneously, but no way can I ever believe that the minimal amount of information (represented by the specific order in DNA) required for a self replicating organism with heritable traits could arise naturally. It is as unlikely as the operating system and hardware of this computer I’m typing on resulting from putting all the parts in a box and shaking it up. Time is not a magic bullet, it would not happen even in the 13.78 billion years available for it to happen.
The mathematical improbability of life arising on its own is as close to a smoking gun in the hand of God as you will ever find. The Big Bang runs a close second though. We can still see the smoke curling out of the barrel in the CBR.
And it’s NOT just the mathematical improbability. It is the obvious design inference we (should) draw from the scientific discoveries in cellular biology. An archeologist at a dig will uncover a circle of stones with traces of ash and infer that it was done purposely; how is it possible to NOT see the much more obvious design in the functional molecular machines we call ‘proteins' and the language encoded in the DNA that instructs the cell how to make them. Watch this animation of the protein 'Kinesin' and tell me you don’t see design.

It's somewhat paradoxical how regardless of faith, people have different interpretations and biases of what science proves/disproves in terms of there being a creator.
My questions
Would you consider this argument to be valid?
What (if any) refutations would you have to this argument?
How do different religious traditions interpret and utilize the teleological argument?
What are some naturalistic explanations for the apparent design in the universe, and how do they compare to the teleological argument?
Most importantly and lastly, are there theological arguments that you find more appealing/sound than this?
https://www.quora.com/What-is-the-best-argument-for-god-that-has-been-presented-to-you?q=what%20is%20the%20best%20argument%20for%20god%20that%20has%20been%20prese

My ex monkey branched from me about 9 months ago. It was a brutal breakup which I never saw coming and she treated me like something off her shoe and went off with a guy from the gym. We had a great relationship but she had low self esteem and I now think monkey branches as a result every couple of years. I treated her brilliantly and helped her get a bit of a car crash life back on track.
We've been 6m no contact and I'm finally (just about) past it but last week I bumped into her new guy's ex. Turns out his ex knew nothing of his new relationship and was fuming about it because he's been seeing her regularly! I don't know whether this is just friendly or if sex is involved. Anyway, there's no way that my ex knows about this so my question is..... Should I tell her? If I'm perfectly honest, I would be telling her as much to get one back on her for putting me through hell as to help her out of a bad situation but I also think that she would want to know. Thoughts?

Im desperate to find a roommate, all my friends right now are not in the position for this. I found a $995 per month (not per person) house, 3bed 2bath with a backyard and an alley way with additional parking behind.
Ive visited the property and everything is very updated, amazing flooring and nothing rotting or moldy of the sort. I have two cats and I’m open to any gender of roommate as long as you’re not messy or creepy. Need someone who I can not only co exist with, but generally be roommates with someone who doesnt just stay in their room all day and doesnt ever want to communicate. Its a 15 minute drive from downtown and very close to I-59 and I-20. Its on a small street with a dead end, next to a cemetery and an abandoned library.
The only catch is that its in Eastlake. This area has been mentioned in this subreddit as “unsavoury” “unsafe” and “unwelcoming”. However, i currently live two blocks away from the property in an apartment. and I personally dont feel like my life is threatened and gunshots dont bother me often. Its worth it to me for a cheap place.
Shoot me a dm if you want to meet up and check out the place together and see if you’d be a good fit.

I (16M) been talking to this girl (15F). We known each other for almost 3 years and we lost contact last year but started talking again in October when she came back to my high school. We both connected instantly and liked each other and acting like a couple on text and in person for about over 6 months but we never committed and wanted to wait. While I was on vacation a week ago, she said she does not know how our future relationship would go on if we went to different colleges across the state and that her friends got her out of always texting and wanting to talk more in person. I'm on a different boat, I can't always hang out so I always text her to make up for the times we can't see each other but she now acts dry over texts which hurts looking back at our chemistry back then which I got attached to. We got on the same boat yesterday that we'll see how life will go on till our senior year then decide how it would go because she wanted to stay as best friends for a long time and to focus on her friends and mental health more and not feel pressured into a relationship. We both promised we wouldn't date anyone in high school but we do not know about college. I feel like it selfish of me but I really do not know if I should wait for her because I do truely like her as a first love and I'm willing to wait till after college to try again or if it is the best case to move on with my life. We're both young and we do not know what life throws our way.

I feel remorseful going to a hooker just to relieve myself cause my girlfriend doesn't want to have sex with me
Long story short, my girlfriend of 2 years has been limiting the amount of sex and intimacy. I've told her I can't function that way and I need the sex. She wanted to hold off any sexual activities until we're married and doing it the right way. Previously, we'd have sex once a week or twice a month. Ever since she's been more religious (going to church on the weekends), our sex life has started to plummeted down. This is the longest streak so far (3 months) and she said she's not as horny as I am, therefore, she's able to suppress her desire for sex.
Before anyone says anything, yes I spoke to her about my needs and also told her she's not obligated to do it just for me. I don't want to force her into it but at the same time I can't help it. Our relationship and sex was good but now she's coming with reasons and I feel like I haven't told her the truth on how much it's affecting me.
This evening, I went to the red light district and just did it within 15 mins. I felt so bad. I wasnt even intimate with the hooker. I just want to shoot my load and gtfo. So I did just that and now I'm feeling extremely guilty for doing so.
I don't know what to think of it. I love my girlfriend with all my life but going on without is painful for me and it's also painful for her cause she thinks I'm okay without it or at least until we're married.

Last night my partner (34 M) & i (33 F) were doing our nighttime routines. I’m currently experiencing a serious case of adult acne, but I’ve dealt with it on & off since I was 15. He’s known me since I was 14, so he knows what a sensitive & uphill battle it’s been for me all my life. Lately I have been feeling comfortable enough to share my plight with him & not be embarrassed about it, as i’ve always been able to keep it mostly to myself while around him since the acne hasn’t been to the point it is today. He has also been taking the time to remind me (on his own accord) that he cares nothing about acne on me, finds me beautiful, etc etc. It has truly been a step forward in our intimacy.
I was in the process of icing my acne to bring down some of the inflammation when he commented that he, too, had a pimple coming in and might ice his face. I said, “it works. I just want them to go down already.” He responds, “i hope our children are blessed with my skin.” I was taken a back by the comment initially & resisted the urge to immediately get offended, something I have been trying to work on. I responded saying “that’s a bit insensitive.” He replied, “let’s be honest. I have the better skin out of the both of us. ” I replied, “it’s skin. How can you wish against something i have no control over.” He said, “look at my skin. I have the skin of a god.”
At this point I began to cry & asked him to please stop talking. He tried to backtrack and said, “i didn’t mean it that way. I’m sorry if it hurt your feelings, i’m just saying-“ i shut down at that point & asked him to leave me be. He wouldn’t, as he was still trying to explain his logic and how i was failing to see the clear (no pun intended) difference between my skin and his. I walked out of the bathroom and once he was out of it, i went back in & finished my routine alone whilst crying my eyes out.
He then closed himself in the room & I chose to sleep on the couch. Looking back, i do wish i could’ve found the words to communicate my hurt better instead of shutting down, but it reiterated to me what i’ve dealt with combating my whole life. This idea that skin is just skin & i’m no better or worse of a person or more or less “beautiful” if i have spots on my face.
There are so many things you could wish for a future child and ironically enough, if he had said “i hope our child doesn’t have to go through this bc i see how difficult it is for you to deal with and i don’t want them to have to go through that pain.” I would wholeheartedly agree. But the superficial aspect of it all is what really hurts me & i can’t stop thinking about it.

Growing up I don't really have friends and it put into this pedestal thinking that I must be really pathetic, no one even tried to get to know me, they tend to act that I don't exist and it only got worse throughout my teenage years. Wherein I don't even know how to interact with people anymore when I do I stutter alot and kind of lost my voice along the way. Now I suffer from social anxiety which make it even worse it's probably because of all the bullying that happened to me when I was kid that's why whenever my anxiety were at it's peaks I tend to get depressed and Isolate myself from everyone. It's exhausting having to show myself out there when deep inside I just want to end it all and then it happens. My anxiety started to manifest itself affecting my grades, my mental healh and family. I feel so lost and alone in that moment like there's no way out and the only solution that I came up with was suicide which was a very impulsive decision, I went for it and decided to just leave all this shit behind me cause I'm just so fucking exhausted existing having to suffer every seconds of my life. I overdosed but survived it somehow and went to school the next day and acted as if nothing happened it was actually the end of school year when I did it (this was last year). That's why I decided to dropout of school this school year cause I still haven't find a way to deal with the fact that I tried to killed myself last year , and I have been isolating myself since then, I can't even get out the house. I'm literally in my room rotting like a self deprecating trash.
'Sorry for my bad english.'.......

I have been through the retroactive sub and observed that retroactive jealousy is a condition that lasts for your life time if you are with someone with a past richer than yours. You will have to deal with it or get separated with your partner if you can't deal with it, In most cases people with retroactive jealousy till their life or relationship ends.
Now in muslim marriages since past is supposed to be hidden. It comes out one way or another after marriage. When this happens then the spouse which was virgin before marriage has to suffer and face the pain alone if it is not dealt with proper Islamic understanding
Now if you were chaste and get married to a spouse who had a past. Then it will haunt you for the rest of your life. You get stuck in a loveless marriage. Your piety, taqwa and eman taken a hit. The fear of being lied to if you put your deal-breaker for marriage and being shamed for. It for wanting a virgin spouse puts fuel to the fire.
Those who don't suffer from retroactive jealousy. Let me tell you how it feels like. Imagine 1000 daggers poking you at the same time you think about your spouse. Trust me such a person can never love you or trust you after knowing your past(if you have a haraam past).
If it was upnto me then I would rather be burnt alive rather than getting married to someone with a past. Because I know that such a marriage will be the cause of a pain which will last forever.

About a year ago, I [29 M] was in a toxic relationship with J [29 M]. While there were no serious stakes in it (no kids or messy finances), the relationship and breakup ended up emotionally affecting me in a way I had never really thought possible. I feel guilty because after the relationship I tried to be friends with my ex still, which I now see as a mistake in the context of this relationship, and then after a few months, he blocked me because I didn't respect a boundary he had set about not sending him long messages. He said he didn't feel safe since I "completely ignored" the boundary.
I was devastated, but over the course of the next few months, came to understand a great deal of ways that I feel that I had been abused during the relationship. I felt angrier and angrier, and even though I was seeing a therapist, it eventually boiled over. My ex had blocked me on discord and probably on text, but I went onto an astrology app called Co-Star that he had had me download, and sent a message using it that said something like, "You were an abusive partner, but you can make it right with an apology."
Now, I have no idea if he actually saw the message. It was sent with a weird feature of the app called Chaos Mode that apparently chooses to send the message at some future time, so who knows if it actually ever sent. I don't know if he still has the app, if he unfriended me, or whatnot. But I feel guilty because I enacted exactly the caricature of me that he had created--I hadn't respected his boundaries, and I sent the message anyways.
At the same time, I am still feeling very victimized by the relationship. To give you a sense of the kinds of things that were going on in the relationship, here's a few examples that I currently find a little horrific [Note: this kind of turned into a summary of the relationship after I wrote it]. I'm aware that to heal I should probably not be ruminating about these things, especially if they lead me to boil over and message him, but here you go.
The first time I had sex with him, he slammed the door on me for not being able to finish and said "finish yourself." When I came to bed, I told him I felt shame. He said "good." The next time we had sex, he set a timer for me and said I had to finish within 5 minutes. These were the first times I ever had sex. He was manipulative in bed, telling me he didn't want to perform certain acts because I didn't give him enough praise for them, so that I started exaggerating my pleasure; he blamed me for why certain positions weren't working and was frustrated with how my body worked. On top of this, he admitted at the end of the relationship to having had sex with me around five times after he decided to break up with me (before he did), which just makes me feel a bit icky.
He would put me down in pretty transparently cruel ways. One example was when I exerted myself, he said I sounded like a muppet and that he "didn't want to be dating a muppet." When I offered him a blanket but apologized that it might not have been washed in a while, he called me a baby. He would insult my ability to give complements, asking me to tell him what color his eyes are but then rejecting everything that I gave him, telling me I was bad at complements repeatedly (and saying that it wasn't fair of him because his other exes were artists, so no wonder I was bad). Now, there were times that he was complementary to me--he told me I was hot, good at singing, good at writing, smart--but also times where he would put me down for things I was less good at, like cooking.
He constantly made me feel insecure about my gender. (For context, we are both men, but he was raised as a woman). So he would make pretty sweeping feminist critiques over fairly mundane things, like if I complained when I was sick he would go off about how men are always babies when they are sick and women don't get attention. When I confronted him about some of the things he was saying, telling him that while I wanted him to express these kinds of social problems so that I could be aware and adapt, I was feeling insecure in the relationship--he flipped it around and told me that if I didn't feel loved, he could say "I love you" less, and that I hadn't been grateful enough for when he came to visit me. (I had written him poetry, deep cleaned my apartment, taken time off work, sent my roommate off for the week, bought him a bus pass, planned his visit, met him in the airport despite not having a car, and just an insane amount of work to be turned into, "you weren't grateful enough").
Other than namecalling, he was just plain controlling. The reason that the boundary around me not sending long messages exists is that when I felt insecure--which I think makes sense given the ways he would talk to me--I would often send him a few paragraphs apologizing and explaining how I was growing. Even though long messages were the first thing he said he loved about me, and that he said our communication was like magic, he eventually set up what he called an "Essay embargo" and told me not to write them. The first time he set the "embargo", he had said it was only until we met in person because he didn't want me to write anything that would make him nervous. After we met in person, I assumed the embargo had lifted. Yet shortly after, he set it again, giving a few explanations--the main one just being that he wanted to appreciate our relationship without overthinking it. It seemed playful. He definitely did also say that long messages made him uncomfortable because he felt obligated to send a response. So, when I did send messages, I would add that he didn't have to respond (which I realize is not fully respecting the boundary). I did ask after sending messages whether they were ok and he never responded to those questions.
Despite this, there were times during the relationship that I continued to send long, often apologetic messages. I had felt like this boundary was set playfully and I also was feeling overwhelming guilt that I, for whatever reason, needed his affirmation for. I am conflicted because on the one hand, I was definitely ignoring his boundary--but on the other, I feel like the boundary was not very thoughtful of my own needs, either.
Prior to the breakup, it was hell. He was getting angry at me for everything--for pretty mundane things like using the bathroom before him and stinking it up. He told me he had to show me how to do everything, but I realize now that a lot of this was just him being particular (e.g, he told me I don't know how to drink tea because I left the bag in, when I just like it strong). Unfortunately, I had flown 5,000 miles to visit him and was sort of trapped in his proximity, and was drunk on love still since I was trying very hard, it was my first relationship, and he had sold me on notions of fairytale romance and told me we were cosmically meant to be together and other lovebomby sort of things. We flew to a convention and I met some of his friends, and at one point he introduced me to a girl he had almost dated before, saying I was a friend and not a partner. I pointed this out to him later and he just said "does that make you angry?". He flirted with a woman at a party, telling her she was pretty while demanding that i bring him snacks (I feel so, so weak for not confronting him about this). He got drunk and I stayed with him as he passed out, but he was angry at me in the morning. When one of his friends told me they thought I was nice, because i was opening doors for everyone, my ex said "Is he really?" Questioning them.
The breakup itself was cold and calculated. He started it by telling me that he thought about not giving me any reasons for the breakup because I always overanalyze things. He told me he wouldn't have broken up with me if I was a woman. He told me I didn't take care of him and he needs a partner that takes care of him, and that his partners always feel taken care of. He threw some things I had said at the beginning of the relationship back at me--misquoting and misunderstanding them.
After the relationship, I had no idea what to think. It was my first relationship. It had started with fairytale romance. I had been passing his tests, I had been an exception to his long string of abusive relationships. He presented himself as this incredibly moral person (vegan, environmentally conscious, telling me of all of the ways others had abused him that he would never do, even his closest friends). I had completely internalized criticisms that he had had of me throughout the relationship, many of which had led to serious self reflection and my writing messages about my growth. Within a week I told him I still loved him and that I always would. He reminded me of his boundary around long messages and said they made him anxious. I was desperate. We took a few weeks of no-contact. We messaged short-messages back and forth, with a few life-updates to eachother each. He told me he was rescuing a kitten that he found, and I remembered how he could be kind.
But as I processed, more and more, I felt angry. I wrote unsent angry letters in the notes app on my phone for a month. I wrote myself a 20,000 word summary of the relationship. This was not a healthy way to process. It elevated me. (Some of you will probably comment that maybe I shouldn't have written this post for the same reason, but oh well--I wanted to process and I want to hear if others have similar stories). Meanwhile, my ex kept pushing back the date for when we would verbally connect again. Eventually, I boiled over. I did not insult him. But I wrote a long message explaining that I wanted to take 3 months of no-contact. I had entered another relationship and told him that even though I was feeling angry at him, he shouldn't be worried because even though I had baggage from the relationship, I was communicating well with my new partner. I also told him that I felt like if I did talk with him, that I would end up tearing him a new one, and that I needed time to cool down. I'm not proud of the message in general, but I didn't call names, tell him he was awful, or anything like that. I was just insensitive and told him I was angry.
And like that, I was blocked. It was over. A period of about 9 months, five of which we were together, with two before escalating towards love bombing and two after escalating towards my boiling over.
And yet, I had never expressed to him that I thought he had been abusive. I felt frustrated that I had told him that I would always love him, when in many ways now I hated him.
Five months passed, during which I came to realize more and more how messed up the relationship was.
And then I sent the message on Co-star.
Fast forward another four months to now.
I just sent him a text, knowing he probably has blocked me there too. It said something like, "I want my last message to you just be: I'm sorry, and I forgive you." I wanted to free myself. I needed to not feel angry at him or ashamed of myself. I needed to not feel like I had a million things to say to him--I needed to just say, this is it: I'm not sending more messages. I'm sorry, and I forgive you. It was for myself. I was forgiving him selfishly, even though he didn't deserve it, so that I could move on.
I feel like I shouldn't have sent this, but I don't feel bad about it yet, either. I needed closure. It always felt like there was some "message I could send" to detail his abuse, and I needed to not have that standing over me--I needed to forgive. I am now oscillating between wondering about myself--whether I have a problem with boundaries, since I had boiled over at this point three times to message him. Feeling frustrated I didn't assert myself about his abuse, that I doubled down on loving him. Part of me is glad that I sent the message on Co-Star saying that he was abusive, because it was the only indication I ever gave him, really, that what he did wasn't ok to me--he had blocked me before I could articulate anything. But I also know that this message even if received would not mean anything to him.
Anyways, now I'm venting about it here on Reddit. Does anyone have similar experiences surrounding self control messaging exes and feeling a bit out of control?

I love that I can come on here and share feelings I'm not proud of without anyone attacking me. Right now I feel like I hate being around NT kids. When I'm not around them I feel happy with my kids, happy with their progress, accepting of their diagnosis. But as soon as I'm around NT kids all those feelings go away. I have a way harder time accepting things, I spiral fantasizing about having a neurotypical child, I feel resentful and angry of my family members who have neurotypical kids. I start feeling sorry for myself. I imagine how much easier my life would be with neurotypical kids. Basically being around neurotypical kids and family members who have neurotypical kids sends me on a path of toxic thoughts that I can't seem to get away from. I obviously can't avoid NT kids forever and it's not fair to my kids that I feel this way. My kids are both young. Will this ever get better? I feel like a terrible bitter person.
Thank you to those who read without judgement.

Prologue

Hello and welcome to my post. I will subdivide this into two large parts. One will cover my thoughts, feelings, my hopes and dreams...While the other will tell you the specifics of how I pass the time, what topics interest me, what passions do I posses. I believe that at the end of this leap into my inner world, you dear reader, will have all the necessary information to judge whether we are compatible or not.

Part I
I am writing this in the hopes of finding something that I lack. Lately I have had this feeling, this tinge of melancholy within the dephts of my being, this yearning to find a kindred spirit, another Soul, much like mine, to form a bond with. Perhaps Loneliness is the right word for what is bothering me, but to use it seems to carry with it a connotation of ungratefulness. Ungratefulness for the people that I do have in my life, although none of them, of course, have the connection to me that I seek here.

I have found it increasingly necessary to seek in this Life a sort of purity of thought. What I mean is, I have began to undestand what ideas and concepts are ultimately compatible with my inner most Self, ergo what guidelines I have to follow to feel the most whole. Naturally I have likewise realised what I cannot add to my Self and what I will henceforth reject with all the power that I posses.

With this new context in mind, I now follow on the path of self improvement. I will now begin to mold my Self into my perfected idea of how the Self should be. This is certainly a significant undertaking, one that will not be easy to follow through on but one that I ultimately have to do. To me such context is essential. It is akin to a Guiding Star shining in the night. I will follow this Star for without it I am lost in the vast Darkness.

Looking back at my life, it was suboptimal, especially if one compares the way it molded me to how I will now mold myself. I suppose I must look on with a hint of regret at all that time which one might consider to be lost. Still... I try to stave off such decisively negative interpretations, after all, I have ultimately came to these conclusions. That means that somewhere along the line I had to have picked up on enough of such ideas for them to become so cemented in my consciousness. Well, either that or I was always like this, but in that case I can at least thank my life up to this point for not being able to supress such manifestations of my inner most Self.

To add to the topic of my life, I must admit that not all the battles have yet been won, not all the Demons vanquished, not every Mountain climbed. I want you to keep such things in mind when deciding whether or not to approach me. Many will shy away, I undestand that much, but the pursuit of true Companionship is just another such battle. Having said all that I do believe that being able to overcome hurdles together carries with it a certain appeal. That is to say, what's the fun in joining once the Game is already over?

I don't shy away from such challenges, perhaps to a fault. Certain troubles that I faced in the past carry with them a long shadow over my current health and well being. Still, I intend to change little in this regard other than the proficiency with which I will clash the current of my Will against the cliffs of Life.
Part II
In this part of my post I will tell you about my interests and hobbies, I will try to be thorough, commonality in this regard is rather important to build a relationship
History. I have had an interest in history for almost a decade now, it started back in school and developed from there. Well, now that I think about it one could argue that it started even earlier in my life as I liked watching the odd historic documentary or film aired on television but it wasn't regular back then, I never actively sought it out. I am mostly interested in European history in the period between the 18th-20th century but I sometimes branch out to other time periods and other parts of the world. I watch various channels related to history and read articles and sometimes books. I have recently got a few books on the German revolution of 1848/1849 and a historical magazine on the Thirty Years' War. Besides that I try to visit museums sometimes.
Literature. Especially old novels. I like to immerse myself in the Worlds of these books, I tend to read them while listening to thematically fitting music and take my time with them. One time you are following a troubled Youth in his quest for spiritual understanding of the world, another you see the aged and decrepit Doctor gambling his very Soul on the promises of abtaining satisfaction in earthy pleasures, then again your olfaction notices the most pleasant scent known to man even as the one eminating it has the appearance of a revolting Frog. These and many other stories open up to you once you decide to set foot into the literary World.
Languages. I know three, with one being a bit rusty. I am currently working intently on strengthening it. I believe that if I continue to apply myself in this regard then I should be able to finally conquer it. What language am I working on? Well, if you were to stack all the major works in it they would be as tall as a house... It is fun to go through different works in multiple languages, the same goes for film, games and such.
Games. I recently played Cyberpunk 2077. Well as recently as I played any major story centric game. Now that the dust has settled and the bugs mostly removed...It's not that bad. The main questline at least. Besides that I tried Fallout 76 (Very average, I'm dissapointed with what they made the "RPG" system) and I might give Deus Ex Manking Divided another spin (since it's somewhat similar to Cyberpunk when it comes to its aesthetics). Dark Souls is one of my favorite series, I still haven't beaten Elden Ring though. When it came out I wasn't in the right mindset to invest a hundred hours into it, with all those bosses and difficult locations. I think I'll only consider playing it if I am streaming it to someone. I am generally interested in either streaming games or having the person I am talking to stream them to me. To be specific I mean streaming to a single person while being on call. Besides that I'm a big fan of Paradox strategy games, especially Europa Universalis IV and Heats of Iron IV, I tend to only play single player since I find multiplayer with many people to be rather stressful but on the other hand I have nothing against a co-op game. I'm not the best player though, despite the ammount of hours I have in them. Another great game I would mention would be Dragon's Dogma. A very underrated RPG. I recently beat it again and it was an atmospheric and interesting experience. It is one of those games that feel like they have an endless ammount of depth and constant new secrets to discover.
Anime and Manga. In recent times my interest in them has waned but I still watch the occasional series here and there. Like Cyberpunk Edgerunners (Which I found to be rather mediocre) and the very good first season from the new arc of Bleach. Some of my favourite series include: Fullmetal Alchemist Brotherhood, Death Note, Fate;Zero, Psycho Pass, Code Geass and Attack on Titan. I wouldn't mind if you were to introduce me to some new series, maybe based on the ones I mentioned. My favourite Manga is Berserk which I still follow, althought I am still not certain on the direction that the new author is taking. I suppose it really is a matter of contention whether a somewhat (or considerably warped) vision is better than an unfinished work. One could argue that a few novels remain unfinished and possess a macabre appeal to them as such.
Music. Classical music has a very special place in my heart. A few of my favourite pieces would be: Clair de Lune, Nocturne Op. 9 No.2, Devil's Trill Sonata, Danse Macabre, Valse Sentimentale, Symphony No. 7 in A Major, Op. 92: II. Alegreto (by Beethoven) and Suite from Swan Lake, Op. 20a: I. Scene. Moderato. There are more but these ones always invoke something in me when I listen to them. Besides Classical I also enjoy listening to Synthwave, old Western pop and J-pop, both modern and from the 20th century.
Esotericism. I am interested in things spiritual, mystical, magical and esoteric. I have read religios texts, magical grimoires, introductions to various schools of thought. It is interesting to me.
Epilogue
Hopefully I was able to cast the spotlight upon my inner World in a clear and unequivocal manner. I feel the need to add to the aforementioned that I am rather introverted, which means that I tend to dislike large social gatherings. I managed to condition myself to be able to endure the presense of large groups of people but it isn't something that I would seek out in most cases. Besides that I am neurodivergent and suffer from certain issues with mental health. I have to take medication to keep myself under control. They work well enough but certain days are harder than others. I respect the struggle that others have with mental health but in the context of a relationship I have my limits, no one with BDP for instance. I am also not looking for anything casual. I understand than one cannot demand depth and meaning from a conversation with an absolute stranger, that is akin to trying to build a sand castle right before the waves strike but I ask at least that you enter with a mindset that this might become something of significance. I also do want to say that I am completely Monogamous. My preference? The sickly, pale, intellectual who watches rain droplets slide down the window in Autumn. Lastly, if I enjoy the company of a person I tend to not want to let them go.
Thank you for taking the time to read my post and have a good day. I ask that you send a DM instead of a chat and that you give your thoughts on my title in the opening of your message.
Goodbye...Or perhaps untill we meet again

So our friendgroup was sort of a quadrat, but one kinda committed suicide back in year 10 so we just became a triplet.
My friend, let's call him Bradley bc it makes me giggle.
we've been friends since year 9, we're all at the end of year 12 now. We were really close right up untill he went to college with my other friend (i stayed in 6th form), and I accepted it like he's a bad texter so ofc we're not gunna be that close anymore since he never texts me back or calls first or something, but it's the way that he will publicly post himself talking with other people and going out everyday and the only time he will ever call me is if he's drunk or high and our other friend refuses to pick up. I text the other friend everyday, we call and go out regularly despite both of us being busy w other subjects, we communicate. He doesn't do that. Whenever he calls me I have to wonder if it's because he's in trouble and needs help. One time we went out together to meet these people we didn't really know, and they were smoking weed, I told him not to because I had to leave early and I couldn't take care of him and he smoked anyway so I just left since I thought it would be fine, but later I get calls and texts from his mum asking where he is and I hadn't seen him in 11 hours at that point so I start calling and texting everyone else, thinking he's dead or something idk (my friend died, I got a weird thought process).
He's a very socially deprived person, so I feel like when he went to college and wasn't bullied anymore, he became so obsessed with being popular and his social image. He was abit like that before but now he's just a total dick. He will make fun of girls and everytime I do something that's slightly cringe or I'm just having fun, he'll make me feel bad abit it and call me cringe or make fun of me. Whenever I call him to say i miss him and just wanna talk, he doesn't really pay attention or talk much, like I'm being boring or smthn but maybe that's just me overthinking.
He's always making it out to be like he's a victim too. Okay I might be petty, but in the end of year 10 we were meant to be working, and he struggled abit with talking so I decided to work with him (we were meant to be doing a work shop for year 7s), and I did all the work and presenting, so idk maybe he got bored and started bothering other groups, and he got told off by both me, the teacher, and my other friend so instead of coming back to sit by me and just help me, he sat at a table, sulked for half an hour with his head on his arms and then left. And later I go up to the office because I'm concerned about him and wanna check up on him and he's crying in there next to the teacher, the teacher forces me to apologise and I just forgive it and move on. Kinda petty but I'm still mad ok. Also when it was the summer holidays, and this was the same year our friend killed herself, he decides to cut off speaking to both me and our other friend, for absolutely no reason. He's still online on insta too. He's still posting his chats with this other random girl so we're obviously like wtf. He refuses to speak to us and so I'm obviously very very concerned and think he's about to kill himself of something (wack mindset but I was like 14), so I walk all the way over to his house twice (my friend was away in London at the time but was still on the phone with me checking up on him) and both times he's sat in his room, doesn't look at me, doesn't speak to me, and at one point he started crying (??) So I just patted him on the back and left after abit.
He used to be a really sweet kid, I think he just became so obsessed with being popular and having fun, he's day drinking now and constantly posting about getting high and drunk because he thinks it's "cool", and I responded to his story, all I said was like "Bradly pls", because it is quite embarassing and he blocked me on that account.
That's another thing too, if I say anything that even slightly hurts his feelings he gets mad and doesn't let go of it, but whenever he says things that genuinley hurt me, he refuses to apologise so I end up having to just left go of it. Like when I had horrible body issues and always wore a jacket, until I took it off one day in class bc it was hot and he called my arms sausages. He also had body image issues and disordered eating so idk if he was like projecting or something ??
But I feel like I've just had enough now, I haven't spoken to him in months, I'm speaking with a girl now and she's great, we're going on a date soon, I'm doing well in school with a proper plan for uni and I feel like I'm just at peace with my life, but I can't just leave him because he's my best friend and he was THERE, and i can't just let him throw his life away because hes too busy having fun to go into his lessons and study, but it's impossible to help him, we've all tried, but like I can't just ignore that or forget about him, I think I can forgive all of this if he changes but it's doubtful he'll just suddenly change soon so I just decided to cut him out of my life, but everytime I see something like him using the scarf I crocheted for him or the handwarmers I made, or our pictures on his wall it just makes me feel so guilty and sad because it makes me remember how we all were together, and I miss that so much and I don't know how to get it back. But idk.

So here goes my story: I was considered gifted when I was younger, but as I grew older, a series of health issues got in my way. My 20s were basically riddled with health issues - one after another. I tried to remain active to the best of my ability- got my bachelors in Information Technology from a tier 2 college, went on to work in the IT industry for 2 years after that. I was completely crushed by my life's circumstances, so I quit my job and became an artist and a private tutor. Some 2 years after that, I went back to school to get my masters in Linguistics from one of the best universities in India (I'm Indian), thinking I would go for a PhD in Natural Language Processing afterwards. But while I was there, another health issue came up, and got in the way of my plans. This one is chronic and lifelong. There was this one course on speech and communication disorders (neural basis of language disorders)-I got way too interested in that and want to go for a PhD in Neuroscience now. I've been doing a lot of studying on this subject on my own. This may sound whimsical, but I know that I have what it takes. I have taught myself a lot of subjects this way. I just want to know if there's a way to make my application really strong to be considered for a PhD at Harvard. Besides publishing papers and assisting on current projects in universities, is there anything else I should be doing?

I know you're busy or bored, either way I don't want to waste your time with paragraphs of description that you might not even read so how about we do a lightning round.

• 33 years old.
  
• Own and live a house alone, with my dog.
  
• Well established in my career and have my life somewhat together ( who really does? )
  
• Looking for long term relationship.
  
• Love voice calls
  
• Has a deep voice (can prove it)
  
• 6'2
  
• Will touch your butt
  
• Willing to trade pics if you are up to it as well.
  
• Huge nerd
  
• Loves to explore but also likes to stay inside
  

I'm looking for someone to connect with. Flirt with and have fun with. Someone to distract at work with. To voice chat and send goodmorning/goodnight texts. Talk to me about what you are passionate about. What you are looking for. I'm not just looking for local so feel free to stop by if I interested you!

I'm 18 M. Ever since I was little, my grandpa, grandpas brothers and a couple other male family members would touch me inappropriately. They'd grope me and my chest (ik its "okay" for guys but it made me so sad and confused) since I was like 9. One time my mother was being awful to me so I lashed out, and my father barged in and began tearing my clothes and hitting me and telling me to be "a man".
Context, I've always been a little "feminine" in ways. They hate it. So a lot of times when they touched me they used to say "tui toh meye hote chash na? Dakh kamon laage" which translates to "You wanna be a girl, right? See how it feels "
Is this sexual assault? Or sexual abuse? Or something like that? All my life my father has told me that I mistook their love for sexual offences. I'm 18 now and I still can't shake it off. Sometimes when my boyfriend tries to touch me I start crying. I just can't bring myself to accept that maybe they were doing it because they genuinely just were having fun and joking. But a lot of times they did this stuff when they were angry. I got assaulted on the street a couple months back by a driver and its triggered so many memories that my brain has blocked out.
Was this sexual harrasment?