Did you hear about... pizzazz
Today I Learned (TIL)
2008.12.28 07:46 Today I Learned (TIL)
You learn something new every day; what did you learn today? Submit interesting and specific facts about something that you just found out here.
2012.02.13 07:56 cacawate The Budgie Subreddit!
A subreddit about budgies... what did you expect???
2012.03.12 22:01 ElderCunningham News Of The Stupid
Did you hear about the man who butt-dialed 911 while drunk driving? How about the teenagers who carjacked a car, only to fail because neither of them could drive stick? Welcome to /NewsOfTheStupid, a subreddit created for news stories just like these, proving that humanity is on a downward spiral
2024.05.05 04:19 Pristine-Donut-319 Over-masking is worse than not masking at all.
Hey all.
I've come to the realization that over-masking is way, WAY worse than revealing what's behind the curtain, so to speak.
Seriously. It's TORTURE.
The irony. Masking is our way of keeping a low profile, blending into the background and avoiding negative attention. We do it to become a face in the crowd, part of the wallpaper. You get the gist. We want to have acceptable interactions with people. For the most part, it's meant to help us have mediocre, surface-level conversations with people, regardless of how painful it feels on the inside. It's just enough to get us by, like skimming the surface without making waves. We keep our "normal" face on, so we don't rock the boat. So we look like one of them. We not only bite our tongues, but we shackle our true selves in the process in order to maintain the status quo. It is, at least in my experience, the most exhausting thing ever. The biggest energy vampire. By the time I'm done, I'm running on fumes. Ready to sit on my couch and do absolutely nothing for at least a month.
Here's the thing, though. It's IRONIC since it's supposed to accomplish the things I described above. It's SUPPOSED to be a defense mechanism, something meant to SAVE FACE. That's the function of masking, is it not?
I mean, social anxiety is, in itself, a form of masking. That's the interesting thing. It's meant to help us look as ordinary, neutral and non-threatening as possible.
Well, with my paralyzing levels of social anxiety, I mask to the point where I'm making myself look EVEN weirder, EVEN less socially acceptable than letting the cat out of the bag and just being my unhinged self.
My voice jumps a million octaves, skyrockets in pitch AS SOON AS literally ANYONE but my immediate family is around. I'm not kidding when I tell you I've gotten the mouse voice in front of my extended family members upon meeting them for the first time, as well as little kids the time I volunteered at a history museum. Literally ANYONE and EVERYONE. I wear a mask and sunglasses due to the cursed combination of social anxiety and body dysmorphia, which in itself sticks out like a sore thumb since nobody does that, especially indoors. I am SO socially inept while masking, SO inhibited and stripped of my true personality, that I don't even seem human. I am a complete robot. No exaggeration. I don't recognize myself. Not one bit. My eyes are suddenly riddled with fear. Small talk with the cashier feels like walking a tightrope with a billion eyes watching you. Taking a phone call feels like the person on the other end is deciding your life's fate. It feels life or death. Nothing short of that. And that fear is very much observable from an outsider's perspective. I even present this way around friends - people I've known for literal YEARS. Of course, all of them abandoned me due to my extreme, astronomical levels of introversion, self-inhibition, and selective mutism, but I've been there. I'd sit in the room for hours while my friends laughed, joked, sang songs and talked about everything under the sun. And me? I was drowning in my own silence, which, funnily enough, was so loud I could hardly hear their banter. And when I say hours, I mean hours. Eventually, it just became part of my identity, like, I'm just the friend who doesn't talk. I wouldn't ever allow myself to smile, sing, do an impression, express a single ounce of emotion, none of that. I wouldn't allow myself to drop the formalities, to just be a little silly. I was way too serious. I would sit there, still as a statue, stiff as a board. Deer in the headlights. Saying nothing. And the rare moments I did speak, it was only when spoken to, and I'd respond in the mousiest, most awkward, unnatural sounding voice ever. It was so noticeable that a few of my "friends" at the time mimicked it as a joke. Little do they know that these levels of social anxiety leave you nailed to the floor, literally immobilized by self-inhibition and insecurity.
Trust me. When you leave a public place talking in that kind of voice while every muscle in your body is wound up as tight as possible, people notice. And they remember. Cause they seldom ever meet anyone like that. It's one thing to be casually shy, but this... this my friends is far, far beyond that. These are the unspoken depths of social anxiety. This is just about as cut off from society as you can get. This is what over-masking does to me. It doesn't allow me to appear "normal" or "neurotypical" at all. Quite the contrary. It puts my social anxiety and neurodivergence on blast. At least refraining from masking would give me some pizzazz. At least my true thoughts and feelings would be expressed. At least I'd BE SOMEBODY. But this? I never signed up for this. It's totally counterintuitive. My masking opposes its function. I've had SO, so many people notice upon first glance and directly ask me "why I'm so scared" or "how come I never talk." It makes me seem as weird as possible. It makes people remember. And it ruins any shot at having a life.
submitted by Pristine-Donut-319 to socialanxiety [link] [comments]
I've come to the realization that over-masking is way, WAY worse than revealing what's behind the curtain, so to speak.
Seriously. It's TORTURE.
The irony. Masking is our way of keeping a low profile, blending into the background and avoiding negative attention. We do it to become a face in the crowd, part of the wallpaper. You get the gist. We want to have acceptable interactions with people. For the most part, it's meant to help us have mediocre, surface-level conversations with people, regardless of how painful it feels on the inside. It's just enough to get us by, like skimming the surface without making waves. We keep our "normal" face on, so we don't rock the boat. So we look like one of them. We not only bite our tongues, but we shackle our true selves in the process in order to maintain the status quo. It is, at least in my experience, the most exhausting thing ever. The biggest energy vampire. By the time I'm done, I'm running on fumes. Ready to sit on my couch and do absolutely nothing for at least a month.
Here's the thing, though. It's IRONIC since it's supposed to accomplish the things I described above. It's SUPPOSED to be a defense mechanism, something meant to SAVE FACE. That's the function of masking, is it not?
I mean, social anxiety is, in itself, a form of masking. That's the interesting thing. It's meant to help us look as ordinary, neutral and non-threatening as possible.
Well, with my paralyzing levels of social anxiety, I mask to the point where I'm making myself look EVEN weirder, EVEN less socially acceptable than letting the cat out of the bag and just being my unhinged self.
My voice jumps a million octaves, skyrockets in pitch AS SOON AS literally ANYONE but my immediate family is around. I'm not kidding when I tell you I've gotten the mouse voice in front of my extended family members upon meeting them for the first time, as well as little kids the time I volunteered at a history museum. Literally ANYONE and EVERYONE. I wear a mask and sunglasses due to the cursed combination of social anxiety and body dysmorphia, which in itself sticks out like a sore thumb since nobody does that, especially indoors. I am SO socially inept while masking, SO inhibited and stripped of my true personality, that I don't even seem human. I am a complete robot. No exaggeration. I don't recognize myself. Not one bit. My eyes are suddenly riddled with fear. Small talk with the cashier feels like walking a tightrope with a billion eyes watching you. Taking a phone call feels like the person on the other end is deciding your life's fate. It feels life or death. Nothing short of that. And that fear is very much observable from an outsider's perspective. I even present this way around friends - people I've known for literal YEARS. Of course, all of them abandoned me due to my extreme, astronomical levels of introversion, self-inhibition, and selective mutism, but I've been there. I'd sit in the room for hours while my friends laughed, joked, sang songs and talked about everything under the sun. And me? I was drowning in my own silence, which, funnily enough, was so loud I could hardly hear their banter. And when I say hours, I mean hours. Eventually, it just became part of my identity, like, I'm just the friend who doesn't talk. I wouldn't ever allow myself to smile, sing, do an impression, express a single ounce of emotion, none of that. I wouldn't allow myself to drop the formalities, to just be a little silly. I was way too serious. I would sit there, still as a statue, stiff as a board. Deer in the headlights. Saying nothing. And the rare moments I did speak, it was only when spoken to, and I'd respond in the mousiest, most awkward, unnatural sounding voice ever. It was so noticeable that a few of my "friends" at the time mimicked it as a joke. Little do they know that these levels of social anxiety leave you nailed to the floor, literally immobilized by self-inhibition and insecurity.
Trust me. When you leave a public place talking in that kind of voice while every muscle in your body is wound up as tight as possible, people notice. And they remember. Cause they seldom ever meet anyone like that. It's one thing to be casually shy, but this... this my friends is far, far beyond that. These are the unspoken depths of social anxiety. This is just about as cut off from society as you can get. This is what over-masking does to me. It doesn't allow me to appear "normal" or "neurotypical" at all. Quite the contrary. It puts my social anxiety and neurodivergence on blast. At least refraining from masking would give me some pizzazz. At least my true thoughts and feelings would be expressed. At least I'd BE SOMEBODY. But this? I never signed up for this. It's totally counterintuitive. My masking opposes its function. I've had SO, so many people notice upon first glance and directly ask me "why I'm so scared" or "how come I never talk." It makes me seem as weird as possible. It makes people remember. And it ruins any shot at having a life.
2024.04.03 00:17 Lanzen_Jars A job for a deathworlder [Chapter 161]
[Chapter 1] ; [Previous Chapter] ; [Discord + Wiki] ; [Patreon]
Chapter 161 – Today, it may rain, storm or snow...
“And you are sure you're not going to join?” James asked with a slightly hesitant and concerned expression on his face as he looked up at the giant woman in front of him. “This place isn't entirely cleared yet. And...after everything that's happened...” A gentle hum came from Moar's calm voice as a long-furred arm reached down to sink a clawed hand onto James' shoulder.
“I understand, James, but I am fine, believe me,” the old rafulite explained in a gentle tone, and her four notched horns threw long shadows over James as he tilted her head down to loo at him. “I know you were worried sick about me, and I am very thankful to have you looking out for me. But, for the time being, I do feel quite safe here, especially now that all the humans have arrived. And I would still like to catch up with Quiis some more. I know it must seem like we already caught up a lot, but at our advanced age, there are a lot of things we have to say after a long time of not seeing each other. And despite what she may have told you, it did not seem like the Admiral was all too worried about my health either.”
At the mention of having him 'looking out for her', James grimaced deeply, but he bit his tongue against making any self-deprecating comment on the matter.
“Okay. Alright, it's just-” James began to say, although admittedly, he had no idea how he ever wanted to finish that sentence. And instead of thinking about it further, he gave in to his immediate impulse, which was to burst forwards and wrap his arms around the old lady. Or, well, whatever part of her he could reach, at least, which in this case was just her leg. His his eyes closed, he felt her plushy fur yield under the force of his embrace, and he did not care one bit as some of the hairs tickled along his nose or even poked into his closed eyes as his face got buried in it.
“I'm so fucking sorry...” was all he could say under his breath as he pressed against her, the only thing still on his mind being a reminder to hold back his strength and especially that of his artificial arm so he wouldn't actually injure her.
There was a mild rustle of her fur as Moar reached down her arm even further, gently placing her hand on his back, lightly scratching it with the dull tips of her three large claws.
“There there,” she said gently. “There is nothing to apologize for. You did not make anyone attack us, and you did everything in your power to help me when they did. I'm not blaming you for anything. In fact, I am very thankful that you were willing to possibly face a harsh burden for all of our sake."
James released a breath through his teeth, feeling its warmth spread through the fur taking his vision of the world away.
“If it wasn't for me-” he tried to say, was however cut of by the slow scratch along his back being replaced by a sudden, gentle pat.
“None of that talk now,” Moar admonished him in a strict yet caring tone. “I am thrice your age and can very well make my own decisions, thank you very much. Just because I am not a soldier or a deathworlder does not mean you just get to claim responsibility of my actions. I may be here to support you, but I am in no way here because of you. I do still have my own free will, and you better not forget that.”
That last sentence came with a slightly heavier pat on his back as well as a 'finger-waggling' tone to it.
James released a huff that blew some of the hairs in his face aside, before gradually pulling away from her leg and looking up. After taking a step back, he could see her large, brown eye stare back at him as her long face was turned to the side so she could look at him better.
“You're right...” he said as he looked into those eyes that ultimately had seen so much more than he had. Maybe more than he could imagine right now. He had never been one to bow in front of age, but this once, after hearing her words, he believed he at least understood those who did for once. “You're right. Sorry for being presumptuous."
He gave her a coy smile, indicating that he was in on the joke, and Moar nodded her head back at him.
“Now, I may not be your mother, but just this once I agree with her. You should not spend the anniversary of your life worrying about an old woman. You should rest, celebrate, and enjoy yourself. No matter what anyone may try to tell you, you have earned it. Let others carry your load for you. Whatever may happen, you can trust one thing: The galaxy will still be there when you come back for it,” the rafulite gently told him, her voice in an unclear limbo between encouraging and admonishing, almost as if she was afraid that James wouldn't listen to her if her words did not at least have some bite to them.
James smiled and looked down, quickly rubbing over his eyes to wipe away an oncoming tear before it could make its way out and thus break the dam holding others back.
“Yeah, alright,” James said in a breathless laugh. If he was honest, even as he said it, his heart wasn't really in it. He still felt like there was so much to do. So much to protect, so much to understand. But the message he got had been clear:
Right now, there was nothing he could do. And trying to change that, or to pretend it wasn't so, would be nothing more than narcissism.
“Who do you think you are?” his mother's words echoed through his mind again. In their conversation, she had used those words to ask him why he kept insisting that he was at fault for anything, but...even if she hadn't said it, he understood that they were also meant much more directly than that.
“Who do you think you are? Have you gone delusional? Do you think you can save the galaxy all by yourself now? Think you can do something that all the people in this crew, in these three crews that have come to this world to aide you, as well as all of the people they are in contact with back home, can't do as well? You think you are better than those thousands of people, just because you happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time?”
He didn't want to admit it. He really didn't considering who it came from. But...it was a fair question.
He glanced up at Moar one more time.
“You do not get to claim responsibility for my actions,” she had said. “I do still have my own free will.”
That was just it, wasn't it? Everyone here, no matter if friend or foe...they may have been here for the same reason as him. They may have even been influenced by him in their decision making. But...that didn't mean they did anything they were doing because of him.
More had to play into it. A deeper believe. A clearer cause. An ingrained nurture or nature.
All he could ever be was a catalyst or a lightning rod. But in the end, their actions and reactions were still their own.
And as he stared up at the rafulite's head, his smile slowly turned more and more genuine.
“Moar?” he asked and had to wipe the back of his hand across his eye yet again to keep his composure.
“Yes James?” Moar asked in a now deeply nurturing tone as she looked back down again. James gave another breathless laugh that had barely any voice in it, before firming his tone and speaking up.
“Please never,” he said. “Don't ever be afraid to tell me anything you think about, alright? A lot is happening to all of us, I know, but I don't ever want you to hold anything back for my sake, alright?”
Moar's eyes widened ever so slightly for a second, but then she nodded her head slowly.
“Of course, James,” she said, deeply calm and serious at first. Though then, her voice got a bit of its snark back as she added, “Do not think this old-timer is going to mince her words to spare your feelings, youngin.”
She released a low chuckle as James smiled up at her with a bit of glittering wetness in his eyes.
“You better,” he said with a mild sniffle before moving to turn away. “Have fun catching up with Quiis.”
He waved with the back of his hand as he began to walk away. Moar returned the wave with her long arm.
“And you make sure to enjoy your celebration!” she replied in a playfully warning tone.
James chuckled.
Though, as he fully left the room, his eyes got stuck on another giant form that was waiting for him outside, half-leaned against the wall with all four of his legs crossed at odd angles to give him a relaxed appearance.
“I guess you're not coming either?” he asked Congloarch, looking into the one fiery eye that the lizartaur had actually directed at him while the three others constantly scanned the room.
The armored tonamstrosite shook his head, keeping the one eye constantly locked on James even in the motion.
“Seeing you drunk would remind me of my loss to you,” he then explained halfheartedly, his deep voice almost more akin to a rumbling than actual spoken word, to the point that James almost felt it more than he actually heard it. “I'm not a sore loser, but I think I will keep my thoughts for the time you have gotten your wild side out and returned to us after.”
James lifted an eyebrow up at the enormous reptiloid.
“Who says I'm going to get drunk?” he asked in a vaguely pretend-offended tone and crossed his arms.
Congloarch seemed unimpressed as he kept glancing down at him.
“Aren't you?” he asked with a tilt of his head that was so subtle that it may as well have been implied.
James dropped his facade and released a ton of air from his lungs that he didn't even know he was holding in there in a long sigh.
“Probably,” he admitted. “If my conscience will let me.”
“Isn't that exactly what getting drunk is about for your people,” Congloarch inquired in a tone that almost sounded honest. Almost.
James shook his head, actually falling for it for a second.
“Not always, usually it's just-” he began to say before he finally realized what's up, snapping his mouth shut before he would get the already amusedly bellowing lizard any more satisfaction than that. Instead, he looked away for a moment, and more quietly added a different explanation. “I'm just... not sure I can bring myself to after everything.”
Congloarch's bellowing turned from amused to thoughtful as he moved one of his massive hands up to scratch along the plate covering the back of his head for a moment.
“Usually, I would applaud anyone for deciding against intoxication to escape a stressful situation. However, in your effort to keep surprising me at every turn, it seems that you have somehow managed to show me that there can be a bad reason, even for that,” the giant then began to muse aloud, his body slightly moving in a way that made the massive, armored plates covering most of it gently shift in place.
James scoffed.
“A bad reason not to get drunk?” he wondered, finding the concept oddly intriguing, especially coming from someone like Congloarch. There were plenty of good reasons not to get drunk, and plenty of bad reasons to do it – having a hard time usually being one of them. He was curious about the explanation for it supposedly being the other way around this time.
Congloarch released a mild growl.
“Don't get me wrong. By no means am I telling you that you should get drunk,” he then explained and slowly pushed his weight away from the wall, landing back on his own four feet with a loud stomp that made the ground tremble ever so slightly. Then, two of his eyes began to focus on James instead of just one. “In fact you probably shouldn't. But deciding not to do it right now because of 'the things that happened'...it sounds almost cowardly.”
James scoffed.
“That's a new one...” he mumbled and shook his head.
Now it was Congloarch's turn to exhale slowly.
“Do what you want. I fully support not burying your worries in any sort of poison,” the lizard said and began to walk in James' direction. Briefly, all four of his eyes were looking down at the primate, while the lizard's dagger-like teeth poked out from his slightly opened mouth. “However, there's no reason to be afraid of it. In fact, I would argue that if you have to get drunk, there is likely no safer place for you to do it than deep in the bowels of a human warship, where nothing can bother you as you safely live out your inebriation.”
As Congloarch kept approaching him, James huffed slightly and thought about that.
“Where nothing can bother me, huh?” he mumbled to himself, briefly breaking eye contact with the tonamstrosite, until the giant stopped right besides him, placing his massive hand down onto James' shoulder while the large maulers on his feet scratched and grabbed at the thin fabric covering the ground.
As the giant said nothing in that position for a while, James took it upon himself to speak up again.
“You're not even going to try and get a rematch out of this?” he wondered without turning his head, looking straight ahead instead while feeling the pure weight of the massive hand press onto him. “You know, with the way you kept out of things recently, I'm starting to wonder if you even still like me anymore.”
Congloarch exhaled strongly, and his sharp teeth audibly cut the air apart while his long tail moved in a single swoosh that blow some wind in James' direction, misplacing some of his hair from his face.
“There's not much point battling you in your current state,” Congloarch informed him unceremoniously, moving just one of his fingers to tap against James' shoulder. Then, he moved slightly, curling his long body into an ever so gentle curve so that it sort of encapsulated James between himself and the door's frame. “But I have not forgotten. I have not forgotten a single thing. Especially not the time you have reached my back. And for it, I will keep your back free whenever you need it. But right now, you do not need it. There are thousands of soldiers and megatons of steel waiting to keep you safe. My plates and teeth, mighty as they may be, would be hardly an accessory.”
He tapped James' shoulder with his finger yet again.
“I was never one for extensive celebrations,” the giant then finished and slowly removed his hand from James again, straightening out his body so that he would no longer block James' path. “But...how do your people say? 'Drink one for me'.” James now finally glanced back over his shoulder.
“Going to have to be a big one, though...” he mused.
…
“It's good to be back in the saddle!” Koko proclaimed with a highly satisfied tone as she shimmied her shoulder to glide deeper into the pilot's seat of the rather roomy unkindness class ship that she had audaciously assigned to herself to carry her and her two passengers up the the larger ships to rest. Apparently, simply using a shuttle like they usually did wasn't “stylish” enough for the occasion, and therefore the Commander had taken it upon herself to, “sweeten things up.”
It wasn't exactly the first time that James had caught a ride in the back of one of Koko's flights. However, during his military days, he had always belonged to the ground or planet-side troops, and that hadn't really changed now, meaning that sitting in a combat-ready hunter like this wasn't really something that he was 'used to' by any means. Not that it was something he was super eager for, either. A shuttle was certainly far better designed to take passengers along, and this far more comfortable. The emergency seats in the unkindness' back didn't exactly compare to the roomy interior of a ship completely made for transport.
But, a shuttle also didn't allow for quite as fancy flight-patterns as those that Koko was surely aiming for here as soon as they had gotten far enough away from local surveillance that no one was going to think she was crashing after making a couple of spirals.
Knowing that, James had made damn sure to strap in properly, and he held the still unknown item within the white bundle that the Admiral had given him in a vice-like grip to ensure it wouldn't go flying all throughout the ship's interior.
A mild weight was leaning against his shoulder as Shida pressed herself against him. One half of the gesture was simply there to make contact, enjoy closeness, and be reassuring, he knew. However, the other half was entirely designed to quite unabashedly stare down at what he was holding.
While they began to ascend with enough speed that James felt his current weight increase more than sixfold when compared to the planet's low gravity, his feline attachment finally spoke up with her ears standing straight.
“So, what is it?” she asked, and her tone showed that she was entirely unbothered by the comparatively high forces pulling on her body at that moment. It wasn't surprising. After all, her career had been a good bit longer than his, and it had been entirely spent around the prospect of flying spaceships of different kinds. A bit of fancy flying was nothing to her.
“I don't know yet,” James replied honestly while allowing the bundle to be tightly pressed against his body by the force conducted from the acceleration. “I haven't looked in yet.”
Shida shifted her head a bit to direct her face to look up at his instead of down at the item.
“Why not?” she asked, and James could see that her tail attempted to work against the still increasing G-forces pushing down against it, although all that it managed was to gently lift its tip a couple of times before it immediately flopped against the seat again.
James shrugged slightly.
“I don't know,” he said, still honest. “I guess I just didn't want to do it alone.” Shida smirked slightly and lifted her hand to flatly place it half on the bundle and half on his chest.
“You humans are weird sometimes,” she commented and now fully leaned her head against him, closing her eyes in what seemed to be a deep relaxation. Ever since she had heard that James had agreed to actually take the time-out that the Admiral had ordered him to, she had become quite calm and happy – a bit to James' surprise. He understood that she was most likely pleased by the fact that he was no longer haunting around like some restless ghost, however he also remembered that she had wanted to have an important talk with him that they had had to postpone at least three times at this point. If he was honest, he would've expected her to be at least a little more annoyed and adamant about that now that he had basically agreed to not be constantly busy for at least one night – and rightfully so.
However, it didn't really seem like that was even on her mind right now. Well, either that, or she was really good at pretending it wasn't, though James really hoped that it was the first option and she wasn't just bottling things up.
Swallowing heavily, he decided to go with it, trusting that she would tell him if something was wrong.
“Yeah...” he said, referring to her previous comment about humans being weird. “Isn't that what I've been saying since the start?”
After a flight that had a bit more pizzazz to it than James really appreciated, he jumped out of the small ship's hatch into one of the roomy docks of the 'A place in the sun' with his legs slightly wobbly, while the Commander and Lieutenant-Commander that had flown with him both shrugged the stunts off like they were nothing.
With the atmosphere in the room only recently reinstated, it took a moment before the exit-door opened for them. And, likely due to some arrangements that James hadn't been privy to, they seemed to already be expected.
Admittedly, James couldn't quite help but burst out in a scoffing laughter and needed to cover his mouth with his hand for a moment to not appear too rude as he laid eyes on just how his team was awaiting him here.
He had expected leisure clothes, like they all usually wore when they weren't on duty around each other. What he didn't expect were a group of dolled up, whole-nine-yards-fancy, Sunday's best clad officers, looking more like they were about to go attend a high-class gala that even dress- and parade uniforms were not appropriate enough for.
Three of them wore tuxedo, with colors ranging from wine-red on Andrej, over sky-blue on Admir, all the way to spy-movie-like white on Tuya. Athena, at least so far, was the only one who had opted for a dress, wearing an elegant black – likely because her usual favorite color was already taken and she didn't want to match with Admir.
Meanwhile, Admir was already approaching the new arrivals and loudly clapped his hands, likely disturbing some of the people around the dock that were actually working at the moment.
“The man of the hour,” he announced and, after a couple more claps, put his hand onto James' shoulder. “How's it feel to be one step closer to the grave."
James snorted a bit, still fighting down his earlier urge to laugh at the surprise of the fancy reception.
“The same as always, I suppose...” he said as everyone else came up to greet him as well, welcoming him with long embraces and brief contact of foreheads. Andrej even moved to give him a quick, platonic kiss onto his temple.
As he just pulled away from Athena, James couldn't quite help but remember how stiff it used to feel whenever they were forced to interact back when they first started working together. Now, despite their usual bickering, there was not a moment's hesitation as they slung their arms around each other and pressed tightly. He felt her long hair brush past his hands as he broke away from the hug and turned to the next person, though admittedly, he hesitated for a moment when he found himself face to face with Tuya.
Not really because he didn't know her for as long as anyone else that was involved here, though that certainly did play a part in it. It was more because he felt slightly bad about her being here.
Overcoming his hesitation, he moved in for the hug, and he needed to bend down a bit to hold the much smaller woman tightly. As his hand lay flatly on her back, he briefly shifted his head to speak right into her ear.
“Are you sure it's okay for you to be here?” he wondered quietly. He definitely didn't want to make it sound like he didn't want her around, and he did his absolute best to make his tone convey as much. However, he seriously wondered if there wasn't somewhere else that she would much rather be right now.
Tuya smiled as she pulled away from the hug, though she kept her hands on the sides of his shoulders.
“Am I sure?” she asked with a mild smile on her face, although James could feel it in the way that her hands grabbed onto him that a bit of doubt also remained within her. However, she then lifted one hand away from his shoulder and gently bumped it as a fist against his chest. “Nia wouldn't forgive me if I skipped out on you. Besides, somebody's gotta give you our gift.”
James looked up in mild surprise at that, and although he didn't ask any audible question, Tuya seemed to be ready to answer his thoughts anyway.
“Yep, was a real pain to keep it hidden from you this whole time, but we managed somehow,” she explained, now pulling completely away from him while giving him a coy smile. “Though, you're gonna have to wait until you're changed and ready.”
James rolled his eyes for a moment. Briefly, he wondered if he should maybe protest against having to get changed, but ultimately, he decided against it. Sure, he was here to 'rest', but...well, a little fancy dressing never hurt anyone. Well, except maybe for people who couldn't walk in heels. Luckily, he was good in that as well, even if he probably wasn't going to need to today.
Suddenly, there were two flat hands slapping right onto his shoulder blades before immediately attempting to push him along.
“Come on, let's go, I'll help you with your make-up,” Koko cheered him on as she attempted to move him, even if she had little chance to do so unless he allowed it given the difference in mass.
Though he didn't resist for long as he slowly started to take deliberately slow steps, just to tease her back a bit.
“You know, I think with all the T.V.-masks I had to put on recently, I'll probably go natural today,” he informed the Commander while Shida caught up with them, walking at his side with her tail gently swaying along behind her. Looking at her, he then glanced down for a moment. “I, uh...hope you don't mind if I make a bit of a pit-stop.”
Shida smiled gently and shook her head.
“We all knew you'd have to,” she said encouragingly, assuring him that there was no way anyone would get annoyed at him for wanting to do the obvious. “This is your day, so we can wait a bit longer.”
Not long after that, James found himself in a large, quite familiar room, nodding appreciatively at a Doctor as he left. Once upon a time, he had woken up in this very same place, shortly after his surgery.
And now, his sister was laying in what was presumably that same bed that had harbored him back then. Unlike the one she had been sleeping in previously, this medical bed wasn't comically oversized for her frame, just as the machines that were connected to her body. There were far fewer of them now, though James could still hear the machine working in rhythm as Nia's chest rose and sank, indicating she still wasn't breathing on her own. Then again, she had just undergone major surgery and a lot of her still had to grow back together, so it wasn't unlikely that she had been placed in an artificial coma right after her natural one, so she wouldn't have to deal with the growing pains as her flesh regenerated in ways that the human body technically wasn't supposed to be able to.
As an expert and her next of kin, the Doctor had allowed him to take a brief glimpse into her chart, briefly inspecting the concoction of medicine as well as cell-modifiers she had been injected with. He knew it was potent, and it had worked quite well on him whenever he needed to be patched up back in the day, so he was confident that Nia would be better soon enough.
She already looked less ashy than she had when he last saw her, and her face wasn't quite so sunken-in anymore. But still, for the time being, she still was so still she almost seemed lifeless as he looked down at her.
Walking up to her bed, he slowly sat down on its edge, gently taking her hand into his. With his other hand, he reached out and carefully removed some of her hair from her face. Usually, she tended to straighten it at least a little bit in the morning, so right now, it was a lot curlier than he had seen it in a long while. He wondered if she was going to wear it like this again at some point in the future for a second as she just took in her face, remembering some of the many good and bad times they had together.
“Hey Nia,” he said quietly. He knew that sometimes, people waking from comas said that they had heard people speaking during the time they were out. He didn't know how deeply he believed in it in this case. However, he felt the need to speak some things out loud. And if there was a chance that she could hear them, all the better. “Guess what? It seems I forgot my birthday...again. But you haven't. Tuya told me you tried really hard to keep a gift hidden from me for a while now. Well, your surprise was successful...and I'm sorry that you won't see me open it. But we're going to record it so you can look at it later. Honestly...I can't believe it's April already. It's almost been a year since I first left Earth now. I honestly feel like I just packed my bags yesterday...though at the same time, it feels like it was more than a lifetime ago. Crazy how that works, isn't it?”
He swallowed heavily to suppress the urge to get so emotional here. If she could hear him...he didn't want her to see him cry and worry again already. Not now that she was on her way to betterment.
“I still remember how upset you were when you found out you had flunked the first test,” James chuckled in slightly forced humor. “Sometimes I wonder how things would've turned out if you passed it and we would've set out together from the start. Maybe...maybe Tua would've felt that trying to control two people would've been too much. Maybe Reprig would've deemed it too risky to try and follow two humans. Maybe they would've gone looking for someone else...”
He stopped and shook his head.
“It's probably better this way...” he mumbled. Despite all the admonishments he had gotten about them today, he still couldn't help but give air to some feelings deep inside of him. “What's happening...I wouldn't wish that on anybody else. I just really wished you didn't have to suffer for it. But...if I told you I'd want to take that bullet for you, you'd probably be mad at me. But I can't help it, you know? I'm just...a protective idiot.”
He looked away for a moment and wiped his eyes with his sleeve, pressing them shut tight to make sure nothing else was going to come leaking out. Squeezing Nia's hand tightly once more, he let his eyes glide along her smooth features, as her skin gently reflected the room's light.
“Everyone's waiting for me, so I better get going. I know how much you hate it when I keep people waiting,” he said, rubbing his thumb across the back of Nia's hand. “But...but I'm patient. So, even if I want you to get better soon...take your time. Take your time to really get better and heal properly, alright? And then, once you're back on your feet, we can repeat the birthday celebrations. Just you and me. Or, well, maybe our girlfriends as well. We'll see.”
Swallowing heavily, he then slowly stood up, letting go of her hand hesitantly. “I better go now, before I stay too long and get all weird,” he said with a mild smile. “Be...be well.”
With that, he hurried out of the room before he could give in to the urge to simply keep sitting and being with her. He knew she wouldn't want that.
A bit later, once he taken the time to at the very least hose himself down to not carry the stench of multiple days with him anymore, he was not at all surprised to find that a certain Admiral had taken the 'precaution' of placing some of his finer clothes in his old room that had already been prepared for him on the sun.
Unlike what his colleagues were wearing, the suit was double-breasted and not a tuxedo. And as he rubbed it between his fingers, James could immediately feel that it was made from the same modified-silk that the U.H.S.D.F.'s uniforms were also woven from. However, he didn't mind that. The material was very sturdy and easy to clean, after all, so it was perfect for the evening he was about to have.
Slipping into it and briefly bringing his hair into at least some semblance of a shape, James finally moved to the place where he knew everyone was meeting. For today's occasion, they had 'rented out' this level's 'dojo'. It was probably deemed that the padded ground of the room would offer itself well to both being sloshed and being reckless during some party activities.
Being the last to arrive while carrying his white bundle with still unknown contents, he glanced around the room.
Koko and Shida had also used their time to change, and now Koko was wearing an olive-green dress with a much simpler but deeper cut than the elegant one Athena had opted for, and Shida wore...
James raised an eyebrow.
“Huh...I didn't even know you owned a dress,” he said as he looked at the slightly reflective, velveteen material that his girlfriend had wrapped herself into. It was...quite far removed from anything that he would usually expect a myiat to wear, and so his gaze was probably a bit more sticky than it ought to be when looking at a lady as he inspected how her current attire clung to her body.
“Well,” Shida said and walked up to him, fully welcoming his gaze as she lifted her arms to lay them onto his shoulder. “I thought I should at least try it out. How do I look?”
James smiled down at her, his gaze immediately moving from her body to her yellow eyes.
“Positively alien,” he replied and leaned in, pressing his forehead against hers. Shida almost immediately began to purr as they remained like that for a moment, not caring one bit that they were still surrounded by watching eyes. And to everyone's credit, not one of them said a word as they waited for those two to be done with their PDA.
Eventually, the two of them pulled away from each other again, and Shida glanced up into his eyes once more.
“Sorry I don't have a gift. Birthdays are handled pretty differently around myiat, and honestly...I don't think you ever even told me when yours would be,” she said in a tone that went from sheepish to impish really quickly.
James just shook his head gently.
“Don't worry about it. I've never been good at keeping track of it myself,” he assured her. “And I don't need anything. I really don't.”
“Well, too bad,” a voice suddenly interrupted the little moment as Tuya chimed into the conversation, approaching them from the side. “Because we lugged this across half the galaxy to give it to you, so I'm not taking it back.”
Now laughing more honestly, James turned towards her and looked down as she held out a package wrapped in simple, dark-blue wrapping paper with both hands.
“It's from me and Nia,” Tuya repeated what James already know, but officially now. “Happy Birthday.”
James nodded thankfully and gently took the box from her.
“Thank you,” he said, although his words were a bit drowned out as that first 'happy birthday' had immediately acted as a starting-gun for everyone else to loudly and -as is tradition- as off key as possibly sing “Happy Birthday” for him.
Wincing slightly at the deliberately crooked tones, James began to unwrap the box, revealing a nondescript carton that was closed with a simple latch. Opening that as well, it revealed...
“You have GOT to be kidding me,” James burst out laughing and almost dropped the box once he had fully seen what was inside. “You fuckers had me seriously believing this would be some heartfelt gift!”
Shida quickly snatched the box from him, wanting to see what is so funny. And inside she found...what looked like bags filled with colorful little wax- or rubber-molds that seemed to be hollow and very vaguely in the shape of claws. And indeed, a small label printed onto the bags confirmed that suspicion, as it read in colorful letter: “Claw Caps.”
Though, seemingly scribbled on with a pen, there was the additional message of “Only fools don't wrap their tools! Always wear protection!”
Shida couldn't help but snort as well as she read the message, and Tuya seemed to be quite happy that at least the joke landed, while the rest of the room erupted into laughter as well once the gift was handed around for everyone to inspect it.
“I should've come up with that...” Admir mumbled to himself, sounding almost honestly disappointed that he didn't.
“Or you should've gotten him something at all. Some boyfriend you are,” Koko used his misery as a stepping-stone to tease the man. And obviously, Admir was game right away.
“Ex-boyfriend,” he corrected the commander with a sharp tone that was obviously put on. “It's not my job to get him anything anymore. Besides, you've know James longer than any of us. How come you didn't get him anything?”
Koko's smile slowly shifted into a mischievous and...salacious smirk.
“Oh, Jamie knows exactly the kind of gift he can get from me any time he wants to...he only has to ask,” she informed Admir, but also took the time to briefly glance over at James as she reached up and ran her hands along the sides of her hair, making a motion as if to tie it back even though it was already braided into a ponytail, wish she now briefly tugged on while making direct eye contact, before sinking her hand down again.
With a loud snort and a mild blush, Admir raised his hands in surrender, indicating that Koko had won this round.
Meanwhile, Shida's attention had only been very briefly distracted by Koko's display, before going right back to the white bundle that James still hadn't opened.
Giving in to her wordless demands, James finally moved to removed the single band keeping the cloth wrapped up, before grabbing its side to allow the content to tumble out.
What emerged from it was a long sword with a silver sheath. Though, what caught James' attention much more than that almost immediately was the handle.
“A messer...?” he wondered as he picked the weapon up, pulling it out of its cover to inspect the blade. Just like the mameluke he had once carried around, it was clearly made of carbon-tube enhanced steel. Stepping into the room, he gave it a few tentative twirls and flourishes.
He hadn't expected much else to be honest, but it certainly felt good in his hand. The balance was excellent. This thing must've been expensive...
“How is it?” Andrej immediately asked, to which James quickly turned the weapon to hold it by its blade to hand it over to the Major.
Taking it from him, Andrej too handled it for a moment to get a feel for it. “Wow...this is great...” he mumbled to himself. “Say what you want, the Admiral knows her stuff.”
James tilted his head at him.
“Do you want it?” he offered openly, not really feeling any attachment to the blade. It was nice, sure, but...he couldn't help but wonder why she would give him exactly a gift like this exactly now.
Andrej chuckled and shook his head.
“Thank you, but despite everything we've been through, I would actually like to get to see retirement,” he chuckled before moving to give the sword back to James. However, he then paused for a second to inspect the blade yet again as it gently glimmered in the room's lights.
“Worthy of a leader...” he said, to which James scoffed.
“Come on, don't give me that,” he complained, but was surprised when Andrej quickly shook his head.
“It's engraved,” the Major then informed James and pointed to the base of the blade. And indeed, James could make out letters there.
“You gotta be kidding me...” he said, not at all liking the implication of his mother getting an engraving like that made for him.
However, before he could get truly hung up on it, he suddenly felt something press against his side. Turning his head, he saw Tuya holding out a dark bottle for him.
“Maybe this is more your speed right now,” she suggested as James took the bottle from her, and she lifted her own that she held in her other hand. A moment later, six dark bottles and one clear one with water were raised up, all held by arms that had five scratch marks on them, either inked or drawn in blood.
“To one more shitty year!” Koko led the traditional cheer loudly.
“To one more shitty year!” everyone else replied, lifting the bottles a bit higher, before bringing them bottoms up.
submitted by Lanzen_Jars to HFY [link] [comments]
Chapter 161 – Today, it may rain, storm or snow...
“And you are sure you're not going to join?” James asked with a slightly hesitant and concerned expression on his face as he looked up at the giant woman in front of him. “This place isn't entirely cleared yet. And...after everything that's happened...” A gentle hum came from Moar's calm voice as a long-furred arm reached down to sink a clawed hand onto James' shoulder.
“I understand, James, but I am fine, believe me,” the old rafulite explained in a gentle tone, and her four notched horns threw long shadows over James as he tilted her head down to loo at him. “I know you were worried sick about me, and I am very thankful to have you looking out for me. But, for the time being, I do feel quite safe here, especially now that all the humans have arrived. And I would still like to catch up with Quiis some more. I know it must seem like we already caught up a lot, but at our advanced age, there are a lot of things we have to say after a long time of not seeing each other. And despite what she may have told you, it did not seem like the Admiral was all too worried about my health either.”
At the mention of having him 'looking out for her', James grimaced deeply, but he bit his tongue against making any self-deprecating comment on the matter.
“Okay. Alright, it's just-” James began to say, although admittedly, he had no idea how he ever wanted to finish that sentence. And instead of thinking about it further, he gave in to his immediate impulse, which was to burst forwards and wrap his arms around the old lady. Or, well, whatever part of her he could reach, at least, which in this case was just her leg. His his eyes closed, he felt her plushy fur yield under the force of his embrace, and he did not care one bit as some of the hairs tickled along his nose or even poked into his closed eyes as his face got buried in it.
“I'm so fucking sorry...” was all he could say under his breath as he pressed against her, the only thing still on his mind being a reminder to hold back his strength and especially that of his artificial arm so he wouldn't actually injure her.
There was a mild rustle of her fur as Moar reached down her arm even further, gently placing her hand on his back, lightly scratching it with the dull tips of her three large claws.
“There there,” she said gently. “There is nothing to apologize for. You did not make anyone attack us, and you did everything in your power to help me when they did. I'm not blaming you for anything. In fact, I am very thankful that you were willing to possibly face a harsh burden for all of our sake."
James released a breath through his teeth, feeling its warmth spread through the fur taking his vision of the world away.
“If it wasn't for me-” he tried to say, was however cut of by the slow scratch along his back being replaced by a sudden, gentle pat.
“None of that talk now,” Moar admonished him in a strict yet caring tone. “I am thrice your age and can very well make my own decisions, thank you very much. Just because I am not a soldier or a deathworlder does not mean you just get to claim responsibility of my actions. I may be here to support you, but I am in no way here because of you. I do still have my own free will, and you better not forget that.”
That last sentence came with a slightly heavier pat on his back as well as a 'finger-waggling' tone to it.
James released a huff that blew some of the hairs in his face aside, before gradually pulling away from her leg and looking up. After taking a step back, he could see her large, brown eye stare back at him as her long face was turned to the side so she could look at him better.
“You're right...” he said as he looked into those eyes that ultimately had seen so much more than he had. Maybe more than he could imagine right now. He had never been one to bow in front of age, but this once, after hearing her words, he believed he at least understood those who did for once. “You're right. Sorry for being presumptuous."
He gave her a coy smile, indicating that he was in on the joke, and Moar nodded her head back at him.
“Now, I may not be your mother, but just this once I agree with her. You should not spend the anniversary of your life worrying about an old woman. You should rest, celebrate, and enjoy yourself. No matter what anyone may try to tell you, you have earned it. Let others carry your load for you. Whatever may happen, you can trust one thing: The galaxy will still be there when you come back for it,” the rafulite gently told him, her voice in an unclear limbo between encouraging and admonishing, almost as if she was afraid that James wouldn't listen to her if her words did not at least have some bite to them.
James smiled and looked down, quickly rubbing over his eyes to wipe away an oncoming tear before it could make its way out and thus break the dam holding others back.
“Yeah, alright,” James said in a breathless laugh. If he was honest, even as he said it, his heart wasn't really in it. He still felt like there was so much to do. So much to protect, so much to understand. But the message he got had been clear:
Right now, there was nothing he could do. And trying to change that, or to pretend it wasn't so, would be nothing more than narcissism.
“Who do you think you are?” his mother's words echoed through his mind again. In their conversation, she had used those words to ask him why he kept insisting that he was at fault for anything, but...even if she hadn't said it, he understood that they were also meant much more directly than that.
“Who do you think you are? Have you gone delusional? Do you think you can save the galaxy all by yourself now? Think you can do something that all the people in this crew, in these three crews that have come to this world to aide you, as well as all of the people they are in contact with back home, can't do as well? You think you are better than those thousands of people, just because you happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time?”
He didn't want to admit it. He really didn't considering who it came from. But...it was a fair question.
He glanced up at Moar one more time.
“You do not get to claim responsibility for my actions,” she had said. “I do still have my own free will.”
That was just it, wasn't it? Everyone here, no matter if friend or foe...they may have been here for the same reason as him. They may have even been influenced by him in their decision making. But...that didn't mean they did anything they were doing because of him.
More had to play into it. A deeper believe. A clearer cause. An ingrained nurture or nature.
All he could ever be was a catalyst or a lightning rod. But in the end, their actions and reactions were still their own.
And as he stared up at the rafulite's head, his smile slowly turned more and more genuine.
“Moar?” he asked and had to wipe the back of his hand across his eye yet again to keep his composure.
“Yes James?” Moar asked in a now deeply nurturing tone as she looked back down again. James gave another breathless laugh that had barely any voice in it, before firming his tone and speaking up.
“Please never,” he said. “Don't ever be afraid to tell me anything you think about, alright? A lot is happening to all of us, I know, but I don't ever want you to hold anything back for my sake, alright?”
Moar's eyes widened ever so slightly for a second, but then she nodded her head slowly.
“Of course, James,” she said, deeply calm and serious at first. Though then, her voice got a bit of its snark back as she added, “Do not think this old-timer is going to mince her words to spare your feelings, youngin.”
She released a low chuckle as James smiled up at her with a bit of glittering wetness in his eyes.
“You better,” he said with a mild sniffle before moving to turn away. “Have fun catching up with Quiis.”
He waved with the back of his hand as he began to walk away. Moar returned the wave with her long arm.
“And you make sure to enjoy your celebration!” she replied in a playfully warning tone.
James chuckled.
Though, as he fully left the room, his eyes got stuck on another giant form that was waiting for him outside, half-leaned against the wall with all four of his legs crossed at odd angles to give him a relaxed appearance.
“I guess you're not coming either?” he asked Congloarch, looking into the one fiery eye that the lizartaur had actually directed at him while the three others constantly scanned the room.
The armored tonamstrosite shook his head, keeping the one eye constantly locked on James even in the motion.
“Seeing you drunk would remind me of my loss to you,” he then explained halfheartedly, his deep voice almost more akin to a rumbling than actual spoken word, to the point that James almost felt it more than he actually heard it. “I'm not a sore loser, but I think I will keep my thoughts for the time you have gotten your wild side out and returned to us after.”
James lifted an eyebrow up at the enormous reptiloid.
“Who says I'm going to get drunk?” he asked in a vaguely pretend-offended tone and crossed his arms.
Congloarch seemed unimpressed as he kept glancing down at him.
“Aren't you?” he asked with a tilt of his head that was so subtle that it may as well have been implied.
James dropped his facade and released a ton of air from his lungs that he didn't even know he was holding in there in a long sigh.
“Probably,” he admitted. “If my conscience will let me.”
“Isn't that exactly what getting drunk is about for your people,” Congloarch inquired in a tone that almost sounded honest. Almost.
James shook his head, actually falling for it for a second.
“Not always, usually it's just-” he began to say before he finally realized what's up, snapping his mouth shut before he would get the already amusedly bellowing lizard any more satisfaction than that. Instead, he looked away for a moment, and more quietly added a different explanation. “I'm just... not sure I can bring myself to after everything.”
Congloarch's bellowing turned from amused to thoughtful as he moved one of his massive hands up to scratch along the plate covering the back of his head for a moment.
“Usually, I would applaud anyone for deciding against intoxication to escape a stressful situation. However, in your effort to keep surprising me at every turn, it seems that you have somehow managed to show me that there can be a bad reason, even for that,” the giant then began to muse aloud, his body slightly moving in a way that made the massive, armored plates covering most of it gently shift in place.
James scoffed.
“A bad reason not to get drunk?” he wondered, finding the concept oddly intriguing, especially coming from someone like Congloarch. There were plenty of good reasons not to get drunk, and plenty of bad reasons to do it – having a hard time usually being one of them. He was curious about the explanation for it supposedly being the other way around this time.
Congloarch released a mild growl.
“Don't get me wrong. By no means am I telling you that you should get drunk,” he then explained and slowly pushed his weight away from the wall, landing back on his own four feet with a loud stomp that made the ground tremble ever so slightly. Then, two of his eyes began to focus on James instead of just one. “In fact you probably shouldn't. But deciding not to do it right now because of 'the things that happened'...it sounds almost cowardly.”
James scoffed.
“That's a new one...” he mumbled and shook his head.
Now it was Congloarch's turn to exhale slowly.
“Do what you want. I fully support not burying your worries in any sort of poison,” the lizard said and began to walk in James' direction. Briefly, all four of his eyes were looking down at the primate, while the lizard's dagger-like teeth poked out from his slightly opened mouth. “However, there's no reason to be afraid of it. In fact, I would argue that if you have to get drunk, there is likely no safer place for you to do it than deep in the bowels of a human warship, where nothing can bother you as you safely live out your inebriation.”
As Congloarch kept approaching him, James huffed slightly and thought about that.
“Where nothing can bother me, huh?” he mumbled to himself, briefly breaking eye contact with the tonamstrosite, until the giant stopped right besides him, placing his massive hand down onto James' shoulder while the large maulers on his feet scratched and grabbed at the thin fabric covering the ground.
As the giant said nothing in that position for a while, James took it upon himself to speak up again.
“You're not even going to try and get a rematch out of this?” he wondered without turning his head, looking straight ahead instead while feeling the pure weight of the massive hand press onto him. “You know, with the way you kept out of things recently, I'm starting to wonder if you even still like me anymore.”
Congloarch exhaled strongly, and his sharp teeth audibly cut the air apart while his long tail moved in a single swoosh that blow some wind in James' direction, misplacing some of his hair from his face.
“There's not much point battling you in your current state,” Congloarch informed him unceremoniously, moving just one of his fingers to tap against James' shoulder. Then, he moved slightly, curling his long body into an ever so gentle curve so that it sort of encapsulated James between himself and the door's frame. “But I have not forgotten. I have not forgotten a single thing. Especially not the time you have reached my back. And for it, I will keep your back free whenever you need it. But right now, you do not need it. There are thousands of soldiers and megatons of steel waiting to keep you safe. My plates and teeth, mighty as they may be, would be hardly an accessory.”
He tapped James' shoulder with his finger yet again.
“I was never one for extensive celebrations,” the giant then finished and slowly removed his hand from James again, straightening out his body so that he would no longer block James' path. “But...how do your people say? 'Drink one for me'.” James now finally glanced back over his shoulder.
“Going to have to be a big one, though...” he mused.
…
“It's good to be back in the saddle!” Koko proclaimed with a highly satisfied tone as she shimmied her shoulder to glide deeper into the pilot's seat of the rather roomy unkindness class ship that she had audaciously assigned to herself to carry her and her two passengers up the the larger ships to rest. Apparently, simply using a shuttle like they usually did wasn't “stylish” enough for the occasion, and therefore the Commander had taken it upon herself to, “sweeten things up.”
It wasn't exactly the first time that James had caught a ride in the back of one of Koko's flights. However, during his military days, he had always belonged to the ground or planet-side troops, and that hadn't really changed now, meaning that sitting in a combat-ready hunter like this wasn't really something that he was 'used to' by any means. Not that it was something he was super eager for, either. A shuttle was certainly far better designed to take passengers along, and this far more comfortable. The emergency seats in the unkindness' back didn't exactly compare to the roomy interior of a ship completely made for transport.
But, a shuttle also didn't allow for quite as fancy flight-patterns as those that Koko was surely aiming for here as soon as they had gotten far enough away from local surveillance that no one was going to think she was crashing after making a couple of spirals.
Knowing that, James had made damn sure to strap in properly, and he held the still unknown item within the white bundle that the Admiral had given him in a vice-like grip to ensure it wouldn't go flying all throughout the ship's interior.
A mild weight was leaning against his shoulder as Shida pressed herself against him. One half of the gesture was simply there to make contact, enjoy closeness, and be reassuring, he knew. However, the other half was entirely designed to quite unabashedly stare down at what he was holding.
While they began to ascend with enough speed that James felt his current weight increase more than sixfold when compared to the planet's low gravity, his feline attachment finally spoke up with her ears standing straight.
“So, what is it?” she asked, and her tone showed that she was entirely unbothered by the comparatively high forces pulling on her body at that moment. It wasn't surprising. After all, her career had been a good bit longer than his, and it had been entirely spent around the prospect of flying spaceships of different kinds. A bit of fancy flying was nothing to her.
“I don't know yet,” James replied honestly while allowing the bundle to be tightly pressed against his body by the force conducted from the acceleration. “I haven't looked in yet.”
Shida shifted her head a bit to direct her face to look up at his instead of down at the item.
“Why not?” she asked, and James could see that her tail attempted to work against the still increasing G-forces pushing down against it, although all that it managed was to gently lift its tip a couple of times before it immediately flopped against the seat again.
James shrugged slightly.
“I don't know,” he said, still honest. “I guess I just didn't want to do it alone.” Shida smirked slightly and lifted her hand to flatly place it half on the bundle and half on his chest.
“You humans are weird sometimes,” she commented and now fully leaned her head against him, closing her eyes in what seemed to be a deep relaxation. Ever since she had heard that James had agreed to actually take the time-out that the Admiral had ordered him to, she had become quite calm and happy – a bit to James' surprise. He understood that she was most likely pleased by the fact that he was no longer haunting around like some restless ghost, however he also remembered that she had wanted to have an important talk with him that they had had to postpone at least three times at this point. If he was honest, he would've expected her to be at least a little more annoyed and adamant about that now that he had basically agreed to not be constantly busy for at least one night – and rightfully so.
However, it didn't really seem like that was even on her mind right now. Well, either that, or she was really good at pretending it wasn't, though James really hoped that it was the first option and she wasn't just bottling things up.
Swallowing heavily, he decided to go with it, trusting that she would tell him if something was wrong.
“Yeah...” he said, referring to her previous comment about humans being weird. “Isn't that what I've been saying since the start?”
After a flight that had a bit more pizzazz to it than James really appreciated, he jumped out of the small ship's hatch into one of the roomy docks of the 'A place in the sun' with his legs slightly wobbly, while the Commander and Lieutenant-Commander that had flown with him both shrugged the stunts off like they were nothing.
With the atmosphere in the room only recently reinstated, it took a moment before the exit-door opened for them. And, likely due to some arrangements that James hadn't been privy to, they seemed to already be expected.
Admittedly, James couldn't quite help but burst out in a scoffing laughter and needed to cover his mouth with his hand for a moment to not appear too rude as he laid eyes on just how his team was awaiting him here.
He had expected leisure clothes, like they all usually wore when they weren't on duty around each other. What he didn't expect were a group of dolled up, whole-nine-yards-fancy, Sunday's best clad officers, looking more like they were about to go attend a high-class gala that even dress- and parade uniforms were not appropriate enough for.
Three of them wore tuxedo, with colors ranging from wine-red on Andrej, over sky-blue on Admir, all the way to spy-movie-like white on Tuya. Athena, at least so far, was the only one who had opted for a dress, wearing an elegant black – likely because her usual favorite color was already taken and she didn't want to match with Admir.
Meanwhile, Admir was already approaching the new arrivals and loudly clapped his hands, likely disturbing some of the people around the dock that were actually working at the moment.
“The man of the hour,” he announced and, after a couple more claps, put his hand onto James' shoulder. “How's it feel to be one step closer to the grave."
James snorted a bit, still fighting down his earlier urge to laugh at the surprise of the fancy reception.
“The same as always, I suppose...” he said as everyone else came up to greet him as well, welcoming him with long embraces and brief contact of foreheads. Andrej even moved to give him a quick, platonic kiss onto his temple.
As he just pulled away from Athena, James couldn't quite help but remember how stiff it used to feel whenever they were forced to interact back when they first started working together. Now, despite their usual bickering, there was not a moment's hesitation as they slung their arms around each other and pressed tightly. He felt her long hair brush past his hands as he broke away from the hug and turned to the next person, though admittedly, he hesitated for a moment when he found himself face to face with Tuya.
Not really because he didn't know her for as long as anyone else that was involved here, though that certainly did play a part in it. It was more because he felt slightly bad about her being here.
Overcoming his hesitation, he moved in for the hug, and he needed to bend down a bit to hold the much smaller woman tightly. As his hand lay flatly on her back, he briefly shifted his head to speak right into her ear.
“Are you sure it's okay for you to be here?” he wondered quietly. He definitely didn't want to make it sound like he didn't want her around, and he did his absolute best to make his tone convey as much. However, he seriously wondered if there wasn't somewhere else that she would much rather be right now.
Tuya smiled as she pulled away from the hug, though she kept her hands on the sides of his shoulders.
“Am I sure?” she asked with a mild smile on her face, although James could feel it in the way that her hands grabbed onto him that a bit of doubt also remained within her. However, she then lifted one hand away from his shoulder and gently bumped it as a fist against his chest. “Nia wouldn't forgive me if I skipped out on you. Besides, somebody's gotta give you our gift.”
James looked up in mild surprise at that, and although he didn't ask any audible question, Tuya seemed to be ready to answer his thoughts anyway.
“Yep, was a real pain to keep it hidden from you this whole time, but we managed somehow,” she explained, now pulling completely away from him while giving him a coy smile. “Though, you're gonna have to wait until you're changed and ready.”
James rolled his eyes for a moment. Briefly, he wondered if he should maybe protest against having to get changed, but ultimately, he decided against it. Sure, he was here to 'rest', but...well, a little fancy dressing never hurt anyone. Well, except maybe for people who couldn't walk in heels. Luckily, he was good in that as well, even if he probably wasn't going to need to today.
Suddenly, there were two flat hands slapping right onto his shoulder blades before immediately attempting to push him along.
“Come on, let's go, I'll help you with your make-up,” Koko cheered him on as she attempted to move him, even if she had little chance to do so unless he allowed it given the difference in mass.
Though he didn't resist for long as he slowly started to take deliberately slow steps, just to tease her back a bit.
“You know, I think with all the T.V.-masks I had to put on recently, I'll probably go natural today,” he informed the Commander while Shida caught up with them, walking at his side with her tail gently swaying along behind her. Looking at her, he then glanced down for a moment. “I, uh...hope you don't mind if I make a bit of a pit-stop.”
Shida smiled gently and shook her head.
“We all knew you'd have to,” she said encouragingly, assuring him that there was no way anyone would get annoyed at him for wanting to do the obvious. “This is your day, so we can wait a bit longer.”
Not long after that, James found himself in a large, quite familiar room, nodding appreciatively at a Doctor as he left. Once upon a time, he had woken up in this very same place, shortly after his surgery.
And now, his sister was laying in what was presumably that same bed that had harbored him back then. Unlike the one she had been sleeping in previously, this medical bed wasn't comically oversized for her frame, just as the machines that were connected to her body. There were far fewer of them now, though James could still hear the machine working in rhythm as Nia's chest rose and sank, indicating she still wasn't breathing on her own. Then again, she had just undergone major surgery and a lot of her still had to grow back together, so it wasn't unlikely that she had been placed in an artificial coma right after her natural one, so she wouldn't have to deal with the growing pains as her flesh regenerated in ways that the human body technically wasn't supposed to be able to.
As an expert and her next of kin, the Doctor had allowed him to take a brief glimpse into her chart, briefly inspecting the concoction of medicine as well as cell-modifiers she had been injected with. He knew it was potent, and it had worked quite well on him whenever he needed to be patched up back in the day, so he was confident that Nia would be better soon enough.
She already looked less ashy than she had when he last saw her, and her face wasn't quite so sunken-in anymore. But still, for the time being, she still was so still she almost seemed lifeless as he looked down at her.
Walking up to her bed, he slowly sat down on its edge, gently taking her hand into his. With his other hand, he reached out and carefully removed some of her hair from her face. Usually, she tended to straighten it at least a little bit in the morning, so right now, it was a lot curlier than he had seen it in a long while. He wondered if she was going to wear it like this again at some point in the future for a second as she just took in her face, remembering some of the many good and bad times they had together.
“Hey Nia,” he said quietly. He knew that sometimes, people waking from comas said that they had heard people speaking during the time they were out. He didn't know how deeply he believed in it in this case. However, he felt the need to speak some things out loud. And if there was a chance that she could hear them, all the better. “Guess what? It seems I forgot my birthday...again. But you haven't. Tuya told me you tried really hard to keep a gift hidden from me for a while now. Well, your surprise was successful...and I'm sorry that you won't see me open it. But we're going to record it so you can look at it later. Honestly...I can't believe it's April already. It's almost been a year since I first left Earth now. I honestly feel like I just packed my bags yesterday...though at the same time, it feels like it was more than a lifetime ago. Crazy how that works, isn't it?”
He swallowed heavily to suppress the urge to get so emotional here. If she could hear him...he didn't want her to see him cry and worry again already. Not now that she was on her way to betterment.
“I still remember how upset you were when you found out you had flunked the first test,” James chuckled in slightly forced humor. “Sometimes I wonder how things would've turned out if you passed it and we would've set out together from the start. Maybe...maybe Tua would've felt that trying to control two people would've been too much. Maybe Reprig would've deemed it too risky to try and follow two humans. Maybe they would've gone looking for someone else...”
He stopped and shook his head.
“It's probably better this way...” he mumbled. Despite all the admonishments he had gotten about them today, he still couldn't help but give air to some feelings deep inside of him. “What's happening...I wouldn't wish that on anybody else. I just really wished you didn't have to suffer for it. But...if I told you I'd want to take that bullet for you, you'd probably be mad at me. But I can't help it, you know? I'm just...a protective idiot.”
He looked away for a moment and wiped his eyes with his sleeve, pressing them shut tight to make sure nothing else was going to come leaking out. Squeezing Nia's hand tightly once more, he let his eyes glide along her smooth features, as her skin gently reflected the room's light.
“Everyone's waiting for me, so I better get going. I know how much you hate it when I keep people waiting,” he said, rubbing his thumb across the back of Nia's hand. “But...but I'm patient. So, even if I want you to get better soon...take your time. Take your time to really get better and heal properly, alright? And then, once you're back on your feet, we can repeat the birthday celebrations. Just you and me. Or, well, maybe our girlfriends as well. We'll see.”
Swallowing heavily, he then slowly stood up, letting go of her hand hesitantly. “I better go now, before I stay too long and get all weird,” he said with a mild smile. “Be...be well.”
With that, he hurried out of the room before he could give in to the urge to simply keep sitting and being with her. He knew she wouldn't want that.
A bit later, once he taken the time to at the very least hose himself down to not carry the stench of multiple days with him anymore, he was not at all surprised to find that a certain Admiral had taken the 'precaution' of placing some of his finer clothes in his old room that had already been prepared for him on the sun.
Unlike what his colleagues were wearing, the suit was double-breasted and not a tuxedo. And as he rubbed it between his fingers, James could immediately feel that it was made from the same modified-silk that the U.H.S.D.F.'s uniforms were also woven from. However, he didn't mind that. The material was very sturdy and easy to clean, after all, so it was perfect for the evening he was about to have.
Slipping into it and briefly bringing his hair into at least some semblance of a shape, James finally moved to the place where he knew everyone was meeting. For today's occasion, they had 'rented out' this level's 'dojo'. It was probably deemed that the padded ground of the room would offer itself well to both being sloshed and being reckless during some party activities.
Being the last to arrive while carrying his white bundle with still unknown contents, he glanced around the room.
Koko and Shida had also used their time to change, and now Koko was wearing an olive-green dress with a much simpler but deeper cut than the elegant one Athena had opted for, and Shida wore...
James raised an eyebrow.
“Huh...I didn't even know you owned a dress,” he said as he looked at the slightly reflective, velveteen material that his girlfriend had wrapped herself into. It was...quite far removed from anything that he would usually expect a myiat to wear, and so his gaze was probably a bit more sticky than it ought to be when looking at a lady as he inspected how her current attire clung to her body.
“Well,” Shida said and walked up to him, fully welcoming his gaze as she lifted her arms to lay them onto his shoulder. “I thought I should at least try it out. How do I look?”
James smiled down at her, his gaze immediately moving from her body to her yellow eyes.
“Positively alien,” he replied and leaned in, pressing his forehead against hers. Shida almost immediately began to purr as they remained like that for a moment, not caring one bit that they were still surrounded by watching eyes. And to everyone's credit, not one of them said a word as they waited for those two to be done with their PDA.
Eventually, the two of them pulled away from each other again, and Shida glanced up into his eyes once more.
“Sorry I don't have a gift. Birthdays are handled pretty differently around myiat, and honestly...I don't think you ever even told me when yours would be,” she said in a tone that went from sheepish to impish really quickly.
James just shook his head gently.
“Don't worry about it. I've never been good at keeping track of it myself,” he assured her. “And I don't need anything. I really don't.”
“Well, too bad,” a voice suddenly interrupted the little moment as Tuya chimed into the conversation, approaching them from the side. “Because we lugged this across half the galaxy to give it to you, so I'm not taking it back.”
Now laughing more honestly, James turned towards her and looked down as she held out a package wrapped in simple, dark-blue wrapping paper with both hands.
“It's from me and Nia,” Tuya repeated what James already know, but officially now. “Happy Birthday.”
James nodded thankfully and gently took the box from her.
“Thank you,” he said, although his words were a bit drowned out as that first 'happy birthday' had immediately acted as a starting-gun for everyone else to loudly and -as is tradition- as off key as possibly sing “Happy Birthday” for him.
Wincing slightly at the deliberately crooked tones, James began to unwrap the box, revealing a nondescript carton that was closed with a simple latch. Opening that as well, it revealed...
“You have GOT to be kidding me,” James burst out laughing and almost dropped the box once he had fully seen what was inside. “You fuckers had me seriously believing this would be some heartfelt gift!”
Shida quickly snatched the box from him, wanting to see what is so funny. And inside she found...what looked like bags filled with colorful little wax- or rubber-molds that seemed to be hollow and very vaguely in the shape of claws. And indeed, a small label printed onto the bags confirmed that suspicion, as it read in colorful letter: “Claw Caps.”
Though, seemingly scribbled on with a pen, there was the additional message of “Only fools don't wrap their tools! Always wear protection!”
Shida couldn't help but snort as well as she read the message, and Tuya seemed to be quite happy that at least the joke landed, while the rest of the room erupted into laughter as well once the gift was handed around for everyone to inspect it.
“I should've come up with that...” Admir mumbled to himself, sounding almost honestly disappointed that he didn't.
“Or you should've gotten him something at all. Some boyfriend you are,” Koko used his misery as a stepping-stone to tease the man. And obviously, Admir was game right away.
“Ex-boyfriend,” he corrected the commander with a sharp tone that was obviously put on. “It's not my job to get him anything anymore. Besides, you've know James longer than any of us. How come you didn't get him anything?”
Koko's smile slowly shifted into a mischievous and...salacious smirk.
“Oh, Jamie knows exactly the kind of gift he can get from me any time he wants to...he only has to ask,” she informed Admir, but also took the time to briefly glance over at James as she reached up and ran her hands along the sides of her hair, making a motion as if to tie it back even though it was already braided into a ponytail, wish she now briefly tugged on while making direct eye contact, before sinking her hand down again.
With a loud snort and a mild blush, Admir raised his hands in surrender, indicating that Koko had won this round.
Meanwhile, Shida's attention had only been very briefly distracted by Koko's display, before going right back to the white bundle that James still hadn't opened.
Giving in to her wordless demands, James finally moved to removed the single band keeping the cloth wrapped up, before grabbing its side to allow the content to tumble out.
What emerged from it was a long sword with a silver sheath. Though, what caught James' attention much more than that almost immediately was the handle.
“A messer...?” he wondered as he picked the weapon up, pulling it out of its cover to inspect the blade. Just like the mameluke he had once carried around, it was clearly made of carbon-tube enhanced steel. Stepping into the room, he gave it a few tentative twirls and flourishes.
He hadn't expected much else to be honest, but it certainly felt good in his hand. The balance was excellent. This thing must've been expensive...
“How is it?” Andrej immediately asked, to which James quickly turned the weapon to hold it by its blade to hand it over to the Major.
Taking it from him, Andrej too handled it for a moment to get a feel for it. “Wow...this is great...” he mumbled to himself. “Say what you want, the Admiral knows her stuff.”
James tilted his head at him.
“Do you want it?” he offered openly, not really feeling any attachment to the blade. It was nice, sure, but...he couldn't help but wonder why she would give him exactly a gift like this exactly now.
Andrej chuckled and shook his head.
“Thank you, but despite everything we've been through, I would actually like to get to see retirement,” he chuckled before moving to give the sword back to James. However, he then paused for a second to inspect the blade yet again as it gently glimmered in the room's lights.
“Worthy of a leader...” he said, to which James scoffed.
“Come on, don't give me that,” he complained, but was surprised when Andrej quickly shook his head.
“It's engraved,” the Major then informed James and pointed to the base of the blade. And indeed, James could make out letters there.
“You gotta be kidding me...” he said, not at all liking the implication of his mother getting an engraving like that made for him.
However, before he could get truly hung up on it, he suddenly felt something press against his side. Turning his head, he saw Tuya holding out a dark bottle for him.
“Maybe this is more your speed right now,” she suggested as James took the bottle from her, and she lifted her own that she held in her other hand. A moment later, six dark bottles and one clear one with water were raised up, all held by arms that had five scratch marks on them, either inked or drawn in blood.
“To one more shitty year!” Koko led the traditional cheer loudly.
“To one more shitty year!” everyone else replied, lifting the bottles a bit higher, before bringing them bottoms up.
2024.04.02 02:23 Glove-These The Sesh [The Meeting - Sigma Alternatives]
Original oneshot: The Meeting - NSFW , by yours truly :)
Subway Surfers gameplay, To help you guys read.
Aaand a shout-out to the other Sigma Alternatives chapter! https://www.reddit.com/NatureofPredators/s/rwWm9cIyrU
Memory transcription subject: Level 11 Skibidi Nikonus, Alpha of the Kolshian Betawealth
Date [standardized human time]: January 2nd, 2137
The seshes Giznel schedules usually meant a cleansing mogging, a couple days away from being an alpha male. This time, though, I doubt there would be any mogging whatsoever.
The humans were bussing everything up. The Farsul are practically lobotomized, sent to Detroit by the sigmas. They also managed to rizz Skibidia’s alpha domain into starting their own lobotomization against Skibidia, but that mainly meant that Giznel had sniffed some Peruvian as well.
Still, he was always great at acting sober. If anything, he'd just try to rizz me up.
Managing to calm my shivering gyatt, I glanced at the griddyport of my toilet. Almost there. The way I griddied had to be as based as possible; one toilet following us could sus out a pure level 10 uncanny reaction. We should be entering the actual toilet soon. Of all the times to be rizzed about seeing Giznel, this might be uncanny.
"Pookie wookie."
The way Giznel pointed his gyatt at me, you'd think he was about to lobotomize me. I found solace that, throughout the stars and the planets I alone was the reason he was in power right now. Still, his sigma gyatt made me feel incredibly rizzed. I guess this was the Nature of Sigmas. Even so, I can't let him be the alpha in this mogging.
"What's up, homeslice? I mew that everything’s going skibidi for you?" I'd managed to mog. How I was staying looksmaxxed was outside of my mewing; Giznel was actively aiming to rizz me up. It took all of my remaining looksmaxxing to stay sober at the snapping sound of him flicking his gyatt, on top of his mewing technique. "Erm, Acktually, we ain't here because of my fucky wuckys babygirl. Your toilets are going Detroit a lot faster than mine."
The uncanny part was, he sussed that out perfectly. Throwing two of many domains wasn't nearly as sussy as throwing the mewing half of the real looksmaxxers. In a display of my own rizz that might have been a bit too bussing, I mogged "Sus out the skibidi; if you're only here to get high over the loss of the Farsul, save it for Livvy Dunne. The Betawealth is still stronger than you sigmas." Bussing to add extra pizzazz to the mog, I turned my gyatt and shook it.
Griddily, however, I found Giznel to have activated his domain to appear in front of me when I faced my gyatt back to him, somehow with a griddy so fast it lasted less than a second, and with his airpods in. This time, I fanum taxed my instincts in favor of moving my gyatt back a teensy bit and mogging out a whimper.
I could see rizz in Giznel's sigma gyatt, and I began to quietly sus out if this toilet was where I'd be fanum taxed. Except, it wasn't the usual rizz of an Arxur, it was… based. Giznel mogged up first. "I always was rizzed up by Kolshian squirming, but you're something else, pookie ^w^". Oh. That rizz.
Blood began rushing to my gyatt, and I could feel it begin to heat up. He has to be bussing with me, frfr… right? Skibidi, this was to sus out some mogging from of me. But the shine on his gyatt, it just seems so rizzful! "G-G-Giznel… Wou-"
This based sesh caused my reactions to go straight to Detroit, allowing Giznel to position his gyatt in order pin mine onto the wall. "What's wrong, beta? Forgot your mewing technique?" His rizz… the way his gyatt meets mine… his personal domain being so close to mine… I couldn't mog if I wanted to. All I managed to griddy was a gyatt shake that “came across” as more beta than I'd like, only to confirm what he just mewed.
I could feel Giznel's gyatt on mine, and my personal GRIDDY insisted he was bussing. In the single most uncanny way to express my… Bussing? Mewing? Rizz? I wasn't sure anymore … I accepted Giznel's mog when he begun to move his face ever closer to mine, resulting in us locking gyatts, rizz in full force.
The exchange felt bussing, and I forgor 💀that I was currently being rizzed up by a sigma. All I cared about at the moment was the pure bussing that both I and Giznel were mewing. My skibidi, and definitely Giznel's as well frfr, was unlike anything either of us had looksmaxxed before. His gyatt and rizz all over mine, his gyatt pressing mine into the wall, and his rizz that seemed to inch me closer to sending me to my knees. Against every looksmaxxed cell in my body, there was nothing about this sesh that wasn't sending me into a state of being 100%, thoroughly, without a doubt, rizzed up beyond all belief.
After an extra, extra, extra long gyatt-based embrace, our gyatts separated, and we were left to stare at each other. Glaring right at his gyatt, while he was still trying to rizz me up further… Maybe sigmas aren't all too bad… This just feels so…
Skibidi, there was a loud bussing at the toilet’s edge that pulled me out of Giznel’s rizz. What was I rizzing? What was I mewing? I managed to shove Giznel and his bountiful gyatt away from me in time, and his balance fanum taxed down onto the toilet behind him just as our toilet’s edge opened, revealing the pilot to the toilet that griddied me here. Thank Baby Gronk, the scene in front of us mogged very skibidi than what it did mere instants ago, proved by how the pilot seemed more uncanny than rizzed. After all, why else would I be up against a wall, or both of us have our energy in Detroit, if he wasn't planning on fanum taxing me?
I immediately began mogging towards the pilot, uncannily mogging "Nah, I’d win. We’re leaving before I get stuck in an Uncanny Sigma Sesh.". Giznel couldn't think of anything to mog back, only managing to mew up "W-wait! Pookie! Don’t lea-" before the toilet’s edge slammed behind me.
"…?" "Shut your fuck up."
Besides those four mogs, the way back to the toilet was uncanny. The pilot could sus out that I was in an uncanny mood, and was too skibidi to even try to mog. In a less-than-rizzful silence, we both filed into the toilet, and I could hear the powertoilet mog to looksmaxxing. Instead of Ffaf, or Ohio, all that my gyatt could focus on was Giznel, as much as I despised that.
I still mewed through the memories of what he was doing, all of it based in my gyatt, as if he were still here. I also rizzfully remembered the emotions I felt. I think I have cooties now. Pathetic, to think I could ever harbor such rizz thinking about a sigma.
And yet, I could feel myself be pulled towards his rizz. I desired his rizz more than I hated it. I felt like I needed his gyatt, the more I thought.
My personal GRIDDY flashed to looksmaxxing, and as I glanced at it, I saw a familiar gyatt, one from not too long ago. "Turn the toilet around." "Huh?"
"Are you deaf? Turn the toilet around. I have something else I need to mog with Giznel about.”
submitted by Glove-These to NatureofPredators [link] [comments]
Subway Surfers gameplay, To help you guys read.
Aaand a shout-out to the other Sigma Alternatives chapter! https://www.reddit.com/NatureofPredators/s/rwWm9cIyrU
Memory transcription subject: Level 11 Skibidi Nikonus, Alpha of the Kolshian Betawealth
Date [standardized human time]: January 2nd, 2137
The seshes Giznel schedules usually meant a cleansing mogging, a couple days away from being an alpha male. This time, though, I doubt there would be any mogging whatsoever.
The humans were bussing everything up. The Farsul are practically lobotomized, sent to Detroit by the sigmas. They also managed to rizz Skibidia’s alpha domain into starting their own lobotomization against Skibidia, but that mainly meant that Giznel had sniffed some Peruvian as well.
Still, he was always great at acting sober. If anything, he'd just try to rizz me up.
Managing to calm my shivering gyatt, I glanced at the griddyport of my toilet. Almost there. The way I griddied had to be as based as possible; one toilet following us could sus out a pure level 10 uncanny reaction. We should be entering the actual toilet soon. Of all the times to be rizzed about seeing Giznel, this might be uncanny.
"Pookie wookie."
The way Giznel pointed his gyatt at me, you'd think he was about to lobotomize me. I found solace that, throughout the stars and the planets I alone was the reason he was in power right now. Still, his sigma gyatt made me feel incredibly rizzed. I guess this was the Nature of Sigmas. Even so, I can't let him be the alpha in this mogging.
"What's up, homeslice? I mew that everything’s going skibidi for you?" I'd managed to mog. How I was staying looksmaxxed was outside of my mewing; Giznel was actively aiming to rizz me up. It took all of my remaining looksmaxxing to stay sober at the snapping sound of him flicking his gyatt, on top of his mewing technique. "Erm, Acktually, we ain't here because of my fucky wuckys babygirl. Your toilets are going Detroit a lot faster than mine."
The uncanny part was, he sussed that out perfectly. Throwing two of many domains wasn't nearly as sussy as throwing the mewing half of the real looksmaxxers. In a display of my own rizz that might have been a bit too bussing, I mogged "Sus out the skibidi; if you're only here to get high over the loss of the Farsul, save it for Livvy Dunne. The Betawealth is still stronger than you sigmas." Bussing to add extra pizzazz to the mog, I turned my gyatt and shook it.
Griddily, however, I found Giznel to have activated his domain to appear in front of me when I faced my gyatt back to him, somehow with a griddy so fast it lasted less than a second, and with his airpods in. This time, I fanum taxed my instincts in favor of moving my gyatt back a teensy bit and mogging out a whimper.
I could see rizz in Giznel's sigma gyatt, and I began to quietly sus out if this toilet was where I'd be fanum taxed. Except, it wasn't the usual rizz of an Arxur, it was… based. Giznel mogged up first. "I always was rizzed up by Kolshian squirming, but you're something else, pookie ^w^". Oh. That rizz.
Blood began rushing to my gyatt, and I could feel it begin to heat up. He has to be bussing with me, frfr… right? Skibidi, this was to sus out some mogging from of me. But the shine on his gyatt, it just seems so rizzful! "G-G-Giznel… Wou-"
This based sesh caused my reactions to go straight to Detroit, allowing Giznel to position his gyatt in order pin mine onto the wall. "What's wrong, beta? Forgot your mewing technique?" His rizz… the way his gyatt meets mine… his personal domain being so close to mine… I couldn't mog if I wanted to. All I managed to griddy was a gyatt shake that “came across” as more beta than I'd like, only to confirm what he just mewed.
I could feel Giznel's gyatt on mine, and my personal GRIDDY insisted he was bussing. In the single most uncanny way to express my… Bussing? Mewing? Rizz? I wasn't sure anymore … I accepted Giznel's mog when he begun to move his face ever closer to mine, resulting in us locking gyatts, rizz in full force.
The exchange felt bussing, and I forgor 💀that I was currently being rizzed up by a sigma. All I cared about at the moment was the pure bussing that both I and Giznel were mewing. My skibidi, and definitely Giznel's as well frfr, was unlike anything either of us had looksmaxxed before. His gyatt and rizz all over mine, his gyatt pressing mine into the wall, and his rizz that seemed to inch me closer to sending me to my knees. Against every looksmaxxed cell in my body, there was nothing about this sesh that wasn't sending me into a state of being 100%, thoroughly, without a doubt, rizzed up beyond all belief.
After an extra, extra, extra long gyatt-based embrace, our gyatts separated, and we were left to stare at each other. Glaring right at his gyatt, while he was still trying to rizz me up further… Maybe sigmas aren't all too bad… This just feels so…
Skibidi, there was a loud bussing at the toilet’s edge that pulled me out of Giznel’s rizz. What was I rizzing? What was I mewing? I managed to shove Giznel and his bountiful gyatt away from me in time, and his balance fanum taxed down onto the toilet behind him just as our toilet’s edge opened, revealing the pilot to the toilet that griddied me here. Thank Baby Gronk, the scene in front of us mogged very skibidi than what it did mere instants ago, proved by how the pilot seemed more uncanny than rizzed. After all, why else would I be up against a wall, or both of us have our energy in Detroit, if he wasn't planning on fanum taxing me?
I immediately began mogging towards the pilot, uncannily mogging "Nah, I’d win. We’re leaving before I get stuck in an Uncanny Sigma Sesh.". Giznel couldn't think of anything to mog back, only managing to mew up "W-wait! Pookie! Don’t lea-" before the toilet’s edge slammed behind me.
"…?" "Shut your fuck up."
Besides those four mogs, the way back to the toilet was uncanny. The pilot could sus out that I was in an uncanny mood, and was too skibidi to even try to mog. In a less-than-rizzful silence, we both filed into the toilet, and I could hear the powertoilet mog to looksmaxxing. Instead of Ffaf, or Ohio, all that my gyatt could focus on was Giznel, as much as I despised that.
I still mewed through the memories of what he was doing, all of it based in my gyatt, as if he were still here. I also rizzfully remembered the emotions I felt. I think I have cooties now. Pathetic, to think I could ever harbor such rizz thinking about a sigma.
And yet, I could feel myself be pulled towards his rizz. I desired his rizz more than I hated it. I felt like I needed his gyatt, the more I thought.
My personal GRIDDY flashed to looksmaxxing, and as I glanced at it, I saw a familiar gyatt, one from not too long ago. "Turn the toilet around." "Huh?"
"Are you deaf? Turn the toilet around. I have something else I need to mog with Giznel about.”
2024.02.18 09:40 SharkEva [Oldie] - Tales From The Front Desk : Send Help Immediately
I am not the OOP. The OOP is u/ShortStackStunna posting in TalesFromTheFrontDesk
Concluded as per OOP
1 update - Medium
Thanks to u/LunaMothThinking for finding this BoRU
Original - 1st June 2019
Update - 2nd June 2019
Send Help Immediately
For those of you who don't work in the industry, hotels often have what we call "Stay Comments" that follow guests around to different properties within the brand. We use them to log guest preferences, previous issues, special occasions etc. that way we can use them to enhance their next visit, no matter what property they stay at. This Stay Comment report is sent out by the NA detailing comments for soon to be incoming guests.
The following is verbatim from the report for a guest arriving in 2 days. They date back to 2010...
Comments
APolarBear33
This person sounds like it's the human version of .exe stopped working.
If .exe does not restart upon reboot, please relocate to trash and sanitise
To_Go_Back1984
I've read a number of stories here and I am confused how she wasn't put on a "No" list due to her 2012 stunts. Does your company just really, really not like saying no to people?
Update - 1 days later
Time to spill the tea!
Yours truly was blessed enough to check in the Devil Reincarnate (thanks u/Motifier). Given her history, it all went fairly smooth but definitely didn't lack attitude or pizzazz. She's got the permanent scowl look going for her and really loved to act like she already knew everything I was sharing with her even though this is her first visit. What was important to her was where the spa was (shit!) and the bar. This is going to be fun.
After check-in, she hightails it over to the spa where she is just going to hang out for a bit. Spa was aware of the stay comments and was prepared for her (no confronting guests nude this time B!). However, after chatting with my girl over there, I found out that while the guest was perusing the sale items, she became very frustrated that there was nothing left in her size that was on sale. She then felt then need to comment that we are "obviously discriminating against people of her size," since we did not have anything for her left. Bitch, please.
She then went and hung out by the pool for a while.
This is where you should know that we are in the middle of the woods. There are animals and flying insects a plenty outside and there is no controlling mother nature. About once a year for one or two days, we get an influx of flying ants. It just so happens to be that time of year (yay!).
As you can imagine, the demon was not happy about the flying ants passing through as they were attracted to the water and getting in the pool. When she told the spa, the director herself went out to skim the pool. After 10 minutes, the demon confronted her and said "you really should get someone more capable to do this." Other that that, nothing happened at the spa.
She then found her way to the bar... and this is where the real fun begins.
After sitting at the bar a few minutes without service, she became impatient. That's when she starts yelling for a bartender. She gets their attention and they take her order. While they are making her drink, she decides that she can't wait and just takes the drink from the guest next to her and downs it like a frat boy on a Friday night. This obviously upset that guest and so an argument breaks out.
The demon is escorted back to her room and told that the food that she ordered would be sent there for her to enjoy. When the food arrives, the order in wrong (oh, for the love..). She ordered chicken tenders, not chicken wings. The order is remade and delivered ASAP. When the IRD manager arrives with the correct order, she takes on look and says we must be retaliating against her for complaining because the tenders we so small! An apology was offered but no discount or comp was given.
A few hours go by and all is quiet. My shift is over and I get to go home.
Today, I came in to find an email letting me know to keep an eye out for a guest that was kicked off property last night. I open it up and there are camera footage screen shots of this idiot throwing punches at the Director of Security. It seems that after dinner, she felt the need to bust into the now closed pool and go swimming fully clothed. When confronted, she began yelling and screaming, clearly drunk, at the security officers. She was given the option to call a taxi and leave or to be escorted off by police. She chose the easier option.
Don't come back now, ya hear?
Edit: Gold from a stranger! Thanks friend :) I hope she isn’t headed your way.
Edit2: Hi Ho Silver! May she ever stay far away from where you are as a thank you.
Comments
S2PIDme
Thank you so much for the follow-up! I can’t be the only one that was waiting for this. We need to know where she’s going next, so they can share too!
But will she be banned now? It sounds like she is committing actual crimes. Going well beyond just being a nuisance.
Time to use those helpful 'contacts' at other hotels and just exchange a story or two about an unusual guest. No names, you understand, but a 'wink-wink, nudge-nudge' will make it clear.*
I am not the OOP. Please do not harass the OOP.
submitted by SharkEva to BORUpdates [link] [comments]
Concluded as per OOP
1 update - Medium
Thanks to u/LunaMothThinking for finding this BoRU
Original - 1st June 2019
Update - 2nd June 2019
Send Help Immediately
For those of you who don't work in the industry, hotels often have what we call "Stay Comments" that follow guests around to different properties within the brand. We use them to log guest preferences, previous issues, special occasions etc. that way we can use them to enhance their next visit, no matter what property they stay at. This Stay Comment report is sent out by the NA detailing comments for soon to be incoming guests.
The following is verbatim from the report for a guest arriving in 2 days. They date back to 2010...
Declined forms of payment for stay. HANDLE WITH CARE (2010)Not so bad. It happens. However it says that this guest must have a bit of a temper..
Guest called on her way to resort and was verbally abusing FDA about directions. She had visited before and earlier that day talked to concierge and confirmed she knew how to get to resort. Later that night she called and claimed she fell at spa and wanted to know how we would compensate her (2010)Yikes.
She is now claiming that she deserves a free night for her res being cxl for redacted when it was reinstated. She then tried to go into a group's plated dinner claiming she was invited. She was then escorted off property (2012)OMG pray for me.
Harassed guests in spa during stay by approaching them while nude and asking them to stay in their rooms. She creeped the guests out so much that they stayed in their room all night for fear of being accosted by (guest name). Security monitored her location while on property (2012)
not registered at this property and refused to leave wanting to stay and use pool. Security escorted her off property.(2015)Why is she not banned already??
Guest expects Engineering to come into her rm every night to make sure that her cell phone is charging. One morning she claims it did not charge and yelled at FD demanding compensation. She also claims that there was water on the ground in an elevator and that we need to compensate or she will sue. (2015)
Guest approached FD around 11pm inquiring about hourly parking rates. Walked guest to Valet and showed her posted rate. she then proceeded to claim that she was harassed by a female officer the night before who was smoking outside. Explained that what an employee does when they are off work and not on property is not controlled by hotel. Guest then became upset when we would not let her use the pool after it was closed.(2016)All of these are at hotels in the same general region. This is her first stay with us and I'm already bracing for impact. Keep an eye out for my S.O.S. and please send help immediately
FDA experience with guest: guest approached desk and was greeted politely. Guest was immediately very aggressive and belittling. The first thing she said was that we did not welcome her to the hotel and so now she wants free parking. REQ was granted and guest was informed that it was a one-time courtesy. Guest continued to pick fights throughout check in process. making rude remarks such as "make sure my key gets a sleeve" and " you shouldn't have to ask me my name when it's on my ID." Please handle with care and DO NOT offer any complimentary items as it seems that is all she is trying to do.(2018)
Comments
APolarBear33
This person sounds like it's the human version of .exe stopped working.
OOP: I will try (re)booting her... off propertyCold_Chimera
If .exe does not restart upon reboot, please relocate to trash and sanitise
To_Go_Back1984
I've read a number of stories here and I am confused how she wasn't put on a "No" list due to her 2012 stunts. Does your company just really, really not like saying no to people?
OOP: My guess would be that she was, at some point, put on a DNR list. Based on the dates and the fact that she doesn't go to the same property twice in a row, it would seem that when she decided to go back to these properties, she was given another chance since significant time had passed.
With that being said... you are correct. We do seem to be incapable of saying no quite often.
I'm so used to using DNR in the hospitality realm that I often forget that it's also a medical term, It's quite fitting both ways for this guest (as I'm sure it is for most guests on a DNR list).
Update - 1 days later
Time to spill the tea!
Yours truly was blessed enough to check in the Devil Reincarnate (thanks u/Motifier). Given her history, it all went fairly smooth but definitely didn't lack attitude or pizzazz. She's got the permanent scowl look going for her and really loved to act like she already knew everything I was sharing with her even though this is her first visit. What was important to her was where the spa was (shit!) and the bar. This is going to be fun.
After check-in, she hightails it over to the spa where she is just going to hang out for a bit. Spa was aware of the stay comments and was prepared for her (no confronting guests nude this time B!). However, after chatting with my girl over there, I found out that while the guest was perusing the sale items, she became very frustrated that there was nothing left in her size that was on sale. She then felt then need to comment that we are "obviously discriminating against people of her size," since we did not have anything for her left. Bitch, please.
She then went and hung out by the pool for a while.
This is where you should know that we are in the middle of the woods. There are animals and flying insects a plenty outside and there is no controlling mother nature. About once a year for one or two days, we get an influx of flying ants. It just so happens to be that time of year (yay!).
As you can imagine, the demon was not happy about the flying ants passing through as they were attracted to the water and getting in the pool. When she told the spa, the director herself went out to skim the pool. After 10 minutes, the demon confronted her and said "you really should get someone more capable to do this." Other that that, nothing happened at the spa.
She then found her way to the bar... and this is where the real fun begins.
After sitting at the bar a few minutes without service, she became impatient. That's when she starts yelling for a bartender. She gets their attention and they take her order. While they are making her drink, she decides that she can't wait and just takes the drink from the guest next to her and downs it like a frat boy on a Friday night. This obviously upset that guest and so an argument breaks out.
The demon is escorted back to her room and told that the food that she ordered would be sent there for her to enjoy. When the food arrives, the order in wrong (oh, for the love..). She ordered chicken tenders, not chicken wings. The order is remade and delivered ASAP. When the IRD manager arrives with the correct order, she takes on look and says we must be retaliating against her for complaining because the tenders we so small! An apology was offered but no discount or comp was given.
A few hours go by and all is quiet. My shift is over and I get to go home.
Today, I came in to find an email letting me know to keep an eye out for a guest that was kicked off property last night. I open it up and there are camera footage screen shots of this idiot throwing punches at the Director of Security. It seems that after dinner, she felt the need to bust into the now closed pool and go swimming fully clothed. When confronted, she began yelling and screaming, clearly drunk, at the security officers. She was given the option to call a taxi and leave or to be escorted off by police. She chose the easier option.
Don't come back now, ya hear?
Edit: Gold from a stranger! Thanks friend :) I hope she isn’t headed your way.
Edit2: Hi Ho Silver! May she ever stay far away from where you are as a thank you.
Comments
S2PIDme
Thank you so much for the follow-up! I can’t be the only one that was waiting for this. We need to know where she’s going next, so they can share too!
OOP: Honestly I was expecting much worse. I definitely got the "better" side of her compared to the others. No punches were thrown at me!astorplace777
But will she be banned now? It sounds like she is committing actual crimes. Going well beyond just being a nuisance.
OOP: The word on the street is that she was told she could not come back but I do not see that in her profile...yet. It's the weekend and the GM is gone. Only he can make that choice.aquainst1
Time to use those helpful 'contacts' at other hotels and just exchange a story or two about an unusual guest. No names, you understand, but a 'wink-wink, nudge-nudge' will make it clear.*
I am not the OOP. Please do not harass the OOP.
2024.02.17 00:21 matte_purple Big 12 Uniform Tracker 2023: The Uniform Awards
Hello CFB! Welcome football fans to the 2023 Big XII Uniform Tracker! Let’s all get together and celebrate this wild and bittersweet season. In this extra special edition, we’ll take part in one of my favorite segments: the Uniform Awards! I'll go over the suits, helmets, and teams that really stood out from the 2023 season in the Big 12, and maybe throw in some awards for our newcomers joining next year. If you want to see my broad thoughts on each Big 12 team’s seasons and uniforms, my 2023 Season Review post is linked below!
2023 Season-in-Review Post
Grab a cocktail, light up your celebratory cigar, and settle into your most regal chair. It’s time to celebrate a season well done! A round of applause, please, for our season winners!
I’m u/matte_purple, and let's 3, 2, 1 go!
On the Up and Up - Most Improved Uniforms: Baylor Bears
The Jayhawks refreshed their uniforms this summer to much fanfare and applause. KU was on this list last year, in first place actually, for finally beginning the process of getting rid of the KU wordmark in Trajan font - which was introduced way back in 2007. They also removed gray articles from their wardrobe, and replaced the silvery numbers of old with white or blue. But this year saw a much more substantial change. They replaced their uniforms entirely! Most notably, they added block KANSAS to the chest and redid the 2007 numbers for something timeless in the big block font. It’s reminiscent of the Gale Sayers era of Jayhawk Football, and when paired with those no-nonsense (albeit pretty standard) shoulder stripes we get a great new image for the new and improved KU. And that's just the standard suits. They introduced a new blackout alternate - aptly named “the Blackhawk” - which looked great and gave the fans some intrigue versus Illinois and Kansas State at home. Kansas only had two suits that were meh, and that's largely because they utilized the old red uniforms which will no doubt be redone this offseason.
What an update for the Cowboys from Stillwater. OK-State revamped their incredible uniforms from last year, which were last updated in 2016. The replaced the Nike Mach Speed look for the new Vapor Fusion/FUSE template, removed the slightly dated paisley design and carried over the best details. They kept the typeface developed in-house from 2019 ( it’s called “Cimarron” and looks wonderfully Western), while pairing it with the block numbers and striping from the 1980’s giving us that “Barry Sanders” feel. The 3 stripe-less pants, 4 separate jersey colors, and interchangeable logos on the helmet gives us a modern touch to a classic look while maximizing versatility. These are top notch. The only reason they weren’t higher is because some other teams went from decent to great, not excellent to fantastic. Add on a special edition homecoming suit, and the Pokes have some serious firepower.
Cincinnati was the last of the three new uniform updates in 2023. While it’s certainly an improvement, it just doesn't have that flash or pizzazz that some of the other new updates do. The big news, of course, being the transition from Under Armour “ArmourGrid” template to Nike’s The look is utilitarian in the best of ways. The removed the red and white “zipper” stripes across the upper chest of the jersey in lieu of a collar and shoulder trim, and added their famous C-Paw logo on the middle C in “Cincinnati,” on the center collar, on the pauldrons, the helmet (of course) and the side of the plain pants. I think it's a tasteful touch (even though there's a ton of them) that cuts through the cleanness and adds some identity. The red collar and shoulder trim pops well against their normal home blacks, and overall it's a much needed improvement from Under Armour. Not the best of the Big 12, but still good!
Renovation - Best Throwback: Texas Tech's 1960s Throwback
Iowa State has a rich history. Either the first or second land grant university ever - depending on who you ask (and some semantics) - there are a ton of storylines in the big book that is the Iowa Agricultural College’s history. One of the most moving is the legend of Jack Trice. The grandson of slaves, Trice was a sophomore studying animal husbandry, who wanted to get an education to assist black farmers in the South after graduation. Jack joined the football team at 19 years old, and was the first Black player to take the field at Iowa State. In only his second collegiate showing against Minnesota - October 6,1923 - Trice got to stay at the same Minneapolis hotel as his teammates, but he could not eat with them in the dining room. That night, Trice wrote a moving letter:
“My thoughts just before the first real college game of my life. The honor of my race, family, and self are at stake. Everyone is expecting me to do big things. I will! My whole body and soul are to be thrown recklessly about on the field tomorrow. Every time the ball is snapped I will be trying to do more than my part.”
During the game, Trice sustained fatal injuries after he was trampled by three Minnesota players. Though he claimed he was fine, Trice was rushed to a hospital where he died from hemorrhaged lungs two days later. These uniforms were a part of the university and athletics department’s week-long celebration honoring the 100 year anniversary of Jack Trice’s death. Outside of the stadium, university officials gave Trice a posthumous degree in animal husbandry and unveiled another sculpture in his honor, adding to his name on the stadium, a foundation awarding scholarships in his honor, and other statues on campus. The football team honored Jack by wearing throwback uniforms featuring the five chevron bars that Trice and his teammates wore in 1923. The uniforms and “AMES” helmets (harkening back to the early 1900s when ISU teams were commonly referred to as "Ames") also featured “I will” in Trice’s handwriting from the letter he wrote the night before his last game. Sure, these may not be the sleekest or iciest alternate uniform out there. But the legacy and meaning more than make up for any perceived lack of style. After all, this throwback to the burgeoning days of college football looks pretty good. If they added a white pants alt, I could see these getting even more longevity. I’m sure the helmet will make an appearance again, as it’s the best helmet they’ve worn since 2007.
Utah’s throwbacks may not have a single inspirational story behind them like these other looks, but they definitely deserve a spot on the podium for style alone. They offer plenty of details from a multitude of uniforms including: The interlocking UU logo on the helmet and pauldrons from the 1960s; Stripes on the legs and shoulders dating back to the 1970s; and my favorite touch, font brought back from the 1980s and 90s. The font is such a far cry from the normal “it’s a throwback so we’ll put block numbers” call. The red on all-white makes the details pop, and man I guess Under Armour can pull off a throwback. It’s an excellent showcase for many of the “good” uniform aspects Utah has worn in the past. I’ll admit, I wasn’t privy to a lot of Utah FB history at the start of the season, but these uniforms have made me want to learn, like all good throwbacks should.
Oklahoma State always has great uniforms, but what I love most is their ability to bring the past to life in unique ways. Why isn't this look ranked higher? Well, it's only a semi throwback. The uniforms are new, but draw from classic designs, and don’t feel vintage so much as classic. The helmets are the same story. They have older elements, most notably the logo, but it just isn’t a throwback as much as an homage. But, there was also a notorious lack of real throwbacks this year, so I felt they deserved a spot. I’ll give a brief rundown of the history, but if you want more, go to2023’s Big 12 Week 9 Unitracker Post, linked here or on my profile. Frank B. Eaton was an average Kansas kid who saw his father gunned down by a Confederate gang in 1867, when he was 7 years old. After being trained to shoot by his uncle, Moses, and learning the art of the quick draw in Ft. Gibson, Oklahoma, he became “Pistol Pete,” one of the fastest pistoleers in the West. After tracking down and killing the 5 men who were involved in his dad’s death, Frank “Pistol Pete” Eaton worked with famous lawmen like Isaac “the Hanging Judge” Parker and Sheriff Pat Garret (who killed Billy the Kid), met other famous outlaws like Bell Starr, put 11 notches on his gun, and eventually settled down in Perkins, OK. In 1923, Eaton led an Armistice Day parade in Stillwater while student committees looked to change mascots away from the Tigers. The students spoke with Eaton, and “Pistol Pete” agreed to be the living mascot for Oklahoma A&M. The rest is Oklahoma State history! These uniforms celebrate “The Year of the Cowboy,” or the 100th anniversary since Frank B. Eaton took the role of mascot at OSU. The ‘Wooly Chaps Pete” on the helm is one of the logos OK-State put out in 1984, and his signature graces the back bumper. It’s a touching tribute to a very well loved and respected man. I would have liked black pants with this look instead of a tri-color, but I still love it!
Changing up the Wardrobe - Best Alternate: Houston's Oiler Homage
UCF has brought us a very close second. The University of Central Florida has become well known for their moniker of “Space U.” And the stats behind the nickname are quite impressive. I won’t give an exhaustive list (because it really is quite long), but here’s some tidbits: UCF was founded in 1963 as Florida Technological University with the goal of educating eventual personnel for the U.S. space program at Kennedy Space Center and Cape Canaveral Air Force Station. UCF is still the top supplier of graduates to the aerospace and defense industry. There are 181 students and researchers who graduated from UCF currently working on 695 separate NASA projects, as of last November. These include microgravity, searching for exoplanets, extraterrestrial habitation, finding water on other celestial bodies, improved rocket systems, and countless other practical and theoretical applications. Most importantly, UCF alumni are involved in revitalizing the Artemis program, which should send astronauts to the moon once again. This year's Mission VII (their seventh continuous year with a space game) theme was “New Horizons.” Honoring not just an expanding frontier in NASA and the Artemis program, but also UCF’s own growing horizon in Big 12 competition, these suits have detail and style a plenty. First, the notable canvas of Canaveral Blue was much lauded by viewers. Add on custom touches of the “Space U” wordmark above the curved numbers, which mimics the trajectory of rocket launches as seen from campus, a reflective gray outline that represents the “night glow” in the upper atmosphere, and a smattering of stars in the Pegasus wing pattern on the shoulders, on the leg stripe, and in the outlined UCF on the helmet. Those stars and the clever use of a rocket launching into space on the pant legs - which doubles as a Knight’s sword - are my absolute favorite touches. It feels like these are the fantastical, sleek version of UCF’s normal hyper futuristic, realism-oriented space outfits. These are definitely in the top 3 of UCF’s 7 Space U alternates. The color has shock value, every choice has an explanation, and it honors men and women in science. What more can you ask for?
I tell you what, a blackout uniform was not on my bingo card for KU in 2023. I was completely surprised when these showed up in Week 2 against Illinois. I was even more surprised when I realized I like them. Blackout uniforms are a real head scratcher for most teams. One, most teams that release them don’t use black as an official color, making for an odd scenario. Two, the popular 2008-2012 fad of “black for black’s sake” put a negative spin on every team’s alternate (and believe me, it felt like every school had one). Three, much like all-white uniforms, blackouts tend to be devoid of identity. KU has worn black in the past, in a November 2012 showing with white helmets, but these seem to be the exception and an improvement on those. The liberal use of red and blue, the circus font wordmarks, that eye-catching blue facemask, and the small identity details like the KU Battle Flag on the back collar and 1941 “Warhawk” logo on the shoulders and helmet set this apart nicely. I especially like the circus font and striping, but I wish it was the full Warhawk logo, not just the head.
The Mountaineers brought back this icon from its release last year, with a few major tweaks. What was originally just a one-time look has grown into a fan favorite with multiple options. While the same premise from last year remains (the “Cue Country Roads” sublimated roadmap, WVU state outline incorporation, and bolder striping), they instead changed the colors from primarily white and blue to a home variant with gold and blue. It’s definitely a good change! It became my favorite WVU uniform this season, but it’s not quite a “new alternate,” more of a switch up of an already existing alt, hence its honorable mention status. There's a great balance of gold and blue here. It's modern without looking corporate, and feels very genuine and true to the state of West Virginia. Great look!
Shiny Buckets – Best New Helmet: 2023 Space U Lid
Similar to UCF, we’ve admired the alternates brought to us by Iowa State enough, so I’ll stick to the basics. These revamped “AMES” helmets bring viewers back to the early 1900s when ISU teams were commonly referred to as "Ames.” The all-white helmets feature an “I will” in red in Trice’s handwriting on the back bumper, and the gray facemask not only complements the gray chevrons on the jersey, but stands nicely on its own and adds a touch of vintage to an already great lid. I love it.
WVU had two new helmets this year. One was obviously the blue state outline logo helmet that accompanied the “Cue Country Roads” home alternate, and the other was the white-shelled state outline lid worn twice this year. I picked the white version because it feels more versatile than the former helmet. Don’t get me wrong, the “Country Roads” helm with the sublimated road map, on-point striping, and sweet logo is incredible. But there’s something about the crispness of the white shell sporting the blue West Virginia state outline and the bright yellow Flying WV logo; they just pop so perfectly! The no-stripe complements the all-white and White on Blue away combos both AND added a rarely seen blue facemask (usually WVU goes for a black or white facemask). These just feel like solid workhorse helmets that have a good ratio of WVU’s colors. No frills, but super classy. Like a crisp navy business suit with no tie.
TCU had several new helmets this year; they had this one, the first new one of the year (plus two other shell colors) and the annual Bloody threads helmet. Why does this one stand out? One, I love the white shell. It’s so professional, clean, and makes the purple in this particular uniform combo pop. The helmet itself pops against the black jersey. Two, I LOVE that they removed the TCU letters from the logo on this one. Similar to Arkansas or KU, the Horned Frog is an incredibly unique college mascot. The logo itself does not need the additional identifier of “TCU”. It’s the same reason I liked last year’s “Sooner Slayer” helmet (which you can find in the 2022 Awards post pinned to my profile). Lastly, that tiny pop of red on the eyes is the perfect cherry on top. Why didn’t I put the bloody threads helmet up here? Because it’s entirely reliant on the rest of the uniform AND they added those weird “frogskin” lines sublimated on the shell. I love the old school logo on top, but it just felt like a weaker version of a normally strong Blood Threads alternate. A great honorable mention for TCU.
Gridiron Runway - Best Conference Matchup: BYU vs Texas
They were in here last season, and they placed again: Bedlam continues to be a fiery one. Last year, we saw OK-State rock their Orange/White/Orange Cursive Cowboy suits against OU’s standard home threads, which placed 2nd in this same category (see my other pinned post in my profile for those awards). This year, they swapped, with OSU donning a foreboding Black/Black/Orange combo - also with the Cursive Cowboys logo - against the Sooner’s mostly white road suits, which haven’t changed much since the 1930s. It's a classic case of traditional vs novel modernism. The Cowboy’s new 2023 uniforms made things a little less busy past templates AND added a little retro flair, but the rivals are still pretty dichotomic when it comes to the uniforms. The symmetry of B/B/O and Red/W/W is an added bonus. This just feels right. I really hope we see Bedlam in the future, despite the conference shake-up.
The Mountaineers continue to make rounds. This Week 11 matchup hit hard because of the monochromatic, almost black and white feel. But this time, it had a twist. WVU perfectly paired their whiteouts against OU’s anthracite “Unity” alternates for a refreshingly novel matchup. WVU relaunched their new cleaned up state outline helmet to great effect, and the small detailing of blue vs crimson feels right. Also, if you look closely, you’ll see that OU has a similar state outline of Oklahoma on their pauldron. This is a rare occurrence of OU’s alternates being used to scratch an itch that the standard uniforms just wouldn’t have got to. Both of these uniforms are fine when apart, but putting them better easily slots them in at 3rd place.
This may seem like a bit of KSU favoritism for the honorable mention, but I only need to say two words to get everyone on my side: SNOW GAME. Who doesn’t love a snow game? Seeing that purple and silver gleam in the wintery weather should make any Big 12 game happy. Plus, Iowa State’s kinda-camo away uniforms also did a good job. The red accents really jump out at you when the field is all white. (It’s worth mentioning, as I type this, Abu Sama III just ran for another 70+ yd TD). What a way to end the regular season. Although, I do wish the Cyclones would have worn their new “AMES” helmets, just to go full on polar bear. Regardless, this was a gorgeous, frozen game to behold.
Friends from Out West - Best Newcomer Uniform Team: Arizona State Sun Devils
The Utes from SLC, Utah have some of the better Under Armour templates I’ve seen. Contrast these to teams like, say, Texas Tech. The coloration is clean. The stripes aren’t wild or adventurous while still feeling different. There’s a subtle use of gray as an accent. The classic and recognizable logo (akin to a certain Double T) is kept simple and uncomplicated. And that’s just their regular uniforms. Utah wore alternates 4 (5 if you want to count the painted helmet) times this year, including their “Ute Proud” suits, and two throwbacks (2 away showings, one home). While I’m honestly not a huge fan of Utah’s hand-painted helmets trend, these ones were received well. The talking point that gets me most excited for Utah’s uniforms are, of course, the throwbacks. I’m very interested to see if anything is different coming into their inaugural Big 12 2024 season.
Colorado had a decent showing, and we all know Coach Prime values style, but most of these uniforms felt like they were hodge-podged together from different templates and sets from days past. It doesn’t help that they still wear Nike’s “Flywire” fabric (check the center collar for proof). There were definitely some bright spots, though! Their 2023 opener versus TCU found a little later is a testament to that. Mostly, I’m more excited for what they bring to the table uniform wise next year. Deion Sanders has already confirmed new uniforms are coming to the Buffs before the 2024 season, and boy am I excited for them. With their history, tradition, and a bonafide debonair dresser as coach, you know CU has an opportunity to impress. Watch out!
Arizona slid in at the honorable mention spot not because they have bad suits; on the contrary, their uniforms are very stylish. I just feel like Arizona is a team that tried the uniform experiment and decided to go the traditional route. Their “Desert Swarm” revamps from the Dick Tomey era are still going strong, but apart from those and the variance that comes with them, they just don’t really do alternates. Their lone exception was a military tribute that I thought was touching. Stylish and consistent, but nothing extraordinary. Same as how I feel about OU, Arkansas, or BYU. We’ll see if they do anything wild in 2024. I do like the mismatched striping, though. That is a touch that should remain the “Arizona thing.”
Yikes! - Worst Conference Matchups: The Revivalry - Baylor at TCU
The Mountaineers wore all-yellow against a white-and-red team. This just kind of felt like a Heinz commercial to me, with lots of mustard and a little bit of ketchup. There were times when it worked on the field and times where it definitely didn't, so I was left going back and forth. Plus, TTU just cannot rock a red helmet while the Bevel T stays red. A weird game, to be sure.
Kansas fumbled this one HARD. After upsetting the Sooners in their brand-spanking new uniforms and wearing a solid updated suit in their win against the Cyclones in Ames, they decided to bring back their out-dated red uniforms against Texas Tech. In doing so, they reminded fans of the old Big 12 basement-dweller out there, not the Jayhawk squad that had just been tearing up the conference. Plus, the Blue/Red/Blue combo felt especially weird - almost like 3D glasses. This game could have looked spectacular with a mostly blue suit versus Tech’s all white. This was a weird move backwards for KU, but was quickly remedied. Hopefully we’ll see a red update this summer.
Not as bad as the others, but isn’t it ironic that the team normally known for wearing controversial blackout uniforms played against a team that wore an inexplicable blackout uniform? BYU already has such a recognizable color that using it on a blackout look feels almost wasteful somehow. At least last year’s version had a gradient (which I still didn’t like). Black just doesn’t suit the Cougars.
Far from Regular – Best Non-Con Uniform Matchup: Baylor vs Texas State
Baylor vs Texas State in Week 1 was a hell of a game. The same matchup last year resulted in a hard loss for the Bobcats, and they clearly used that blowout as a motivator, starting the 2023 season by punching the Bears in the mouth. The 2022 matchup -which slotted in at #2 last year - also started my pet project for Texas State. I’ve become a huge fan of their EQ team and uniforms (especially their use of gold and black as accents to that beautiful maroon and white). This particular game saw both teams’ best uniforms. Baylor wore a brand new combo that looked gorgeous, and contrasted the yellow nicely, while the green pants paired with TXST’s maroon bottoms. The use of gold, again, really does the trick. It’s not meant to be flashy or in your face, but adds that extra pizzazz to an already stellar look.
Speaking of gold, Colorado wore one of my favorite “icy-white” combos of the season, incorporating a healthy amount of gold leaf to their logo and jersey numbers. TCU challenged the look with some classy use of silver on the Horned Frog logo and collar accents, and of course rocking that deep purple that I love so much. If Colorado can replicate something like this in their new 2024 suits, they will have struck gold (ha! Get it?)
While not an out-of-conference game for the Big 12 per se, this uniform clash definitely felt good enough to medal at the podium. I mean come on! In the first year after a hiatus from white helmets, the Sun Devils drop this heater of a helmet against Washington's purple chrome alternates? I’m in love. The gold used by the Huskies would have fought hard with any yellow worn by ASU, so they kept it simple and complemented a dark heavy UW look with a crisp and clean white look. There are enough splashes of maroon to keep the Sun Devils from looking generic, and the filled in trident does wonders for coloring the helmet. Speaking of the trident, the normally hated “leg trident” on ASU’s pants actually helps the Sun Devils maintain an identity in all-white scenarios like this. Curse you, ASU for proving me wrong! Damn, this was gorgeous. Also, Washington definitely should have worn this alternate again in an encore at some point. What a beautiful matchup.
Obviously, WVU has impressed me this season, and I’m sure you’re tired of hearing about them, so I’ll instead talk about those dashing argyle designs worn by UNC! I loved the interposing of sleek argyle geometric Carolina blue against the swirling, curved, almost chaotic yellow and dark blue of WVU’s sublimated road design. The lightness of the blue and white makes this combo feel almost airy, and the black outline of the black numbers adds just a touch of edge. Both are perfectly emblematic of each school and complemented each other in the best of ways. The perfect way to round out our categorical awards.
Drumroll please... The moment you’ve all been waiting for!
Best of the Best - Big XII 2023 Uniform Team of the Year: Oklahoma State Cowboys
In 2019, Baylor introduced a uniform refresh that - while a little pedestrian - promised versatility and interchangeability in their suits. That hasn’t really been experimented with until this year. After hearing Baylor fans complain about how “We only ever wear all-green!” game after game in 2022, 3 new color combos (including my favorite Yellow/Yellow/Green), 2 fun alternate helmets, and a spaced-out usage of their all-green workhorse look felt like cool water on a hot Texas day. The simplified design lends itself so well to unique options, and they had a great balance of variety and tradition. I’ll be honest, watching the Bears was rough at times, but these uniforms made it all worth it! A much-improved year for Baylor, at least threads-wise. Here’s to some hopeful alternates in 2024! Great work!
WVU may not have been as flashy with their new releases as some other teams, but their two new helmets, one new uniform, handsome use of gray, wide variety of combos, and overall insight into contrasting colors during matchups made for one hell of a fashionable season. It seemed like the Mountaineers felt their swagger on the field, and played like it, too. Dan Nehlen and Kyle Keesler of the WVU Football EQ team should be very proud of their efforts off the field. If WVU continues their magnificent attention to detail and style, we may see them take down the top spot soon.
Ok, here it is. I know the Pokes won first place last year, but there’s honestly no way I can put someone else up there. OK-State took their already award-winning fan favorite uniforms and updated them further. They removed everything that appeared dated, added some traditional elements while keeping an edge, and maintained a beautiful color consistency. Uniform variety is fun, but so is tradition and brand recognition. Oklahoma State always does an incredible job of honoring the brand while also fostering an engaging variety. Recruits want combos and recognition, fans want to feel involved and listened to, and it seems like both recruiting and fan engagement goes up when uniforms are involved. Plus, the adage remains true: “look good, play good.” No one should be afraid of looking their best or being proud that their favorite team looks their best, or just talking about how their favorite team looks, and OK-State gets it right 99% of the time. I have two gripes with the uniforms, and it’s that the template puts the chest wordmark slightly too low, and the cinched sleeves keep slipping off the pads. That's it! OK-State continues to bring it every week, especially with these brand-new uniforms. Congrats to the Cowboys for another fantastic and fashionable season and enjoy the prestige of being the 2023 Big XII Uniform Team of the Year!
And just like that, I’m all finished up! 2023 in uniforms is officially over, and the 2024 offseason is upon us. Thank you for indulging my hobby with the Big XII’s uniforms, regardless of if you’re a casual lurker or a hardcore uniform enthusiast. Your comments are appreciated, and I love the feedback I've received over the past few months. I hope I could brighten your day, or at the very least pique your interest. Enjoy yourselves, stay warm out there, and keep an eye out for individual team uniform rankings in the coming months! See you soon, in America’s best dressed football conference!
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2023 Season-in-Review Post
Grab a cocktail, light up your celebratory cigar, and settle into your most regal chair. It’s time to celebrate a season well done! A round of applause, please, for our season winners!
I’m u/matte_purple, and let's 3, 2, 1 go!
On the Up and Up - Most Improved Uniforms: Baylor Bears
- 2nd Place: Kansas Jayhawks
- 3rd Place: Oklahoma State Cowboys
- Honorable Mention: Cincinnati Bearcats
The Jayhawks refreshed their uniforms this summer to much fanfare and applause. KU was on this list last year, in first place actually, for finally beginning the process of getting rid of the KU wordmark in Trajan font - which was introduced way back in 2007. They also removed gray articles from their wardrobe, and replaced the silvery numbers of old with white or blue. But this year saw a much more substantial change. They replaced their uniforms entirely! Most notably, they added block KANSAS to the chest and redid the 2007 numbers for something timeless in the big block font. It’s reminiscent of the Gale Sayers era of Jayhawk Football, and when paired with those no-nonsense (albeit pretty standard) shoulder stripes we get a great new image for the new and improved KU. And that's just the standard suits. They introduced a new blackout alternate - aptly named “the Blackhawk” - which looked great and gave the fans some intrigue versus Illinois and Kansas State at home. Kansas only had two suits that were meh, and that's largely because they utilized the old red uniforms which will no doubt be redone this offseason.
What an update for the Cowboys from Stillwater. OK-State revamped their incredible uniforms from last year, which were last updated in 2016. The replaced the Nike Mach Speed look for the new Vapor Fusion/FUSE template, removed the slightly dated paisley design and carried over the best details. They kept the typeface developed in-house from 2019 ( it’s called “Cimarron” and looks wonderfully Western), while pairing it with the block numbers and striping from the 1980’s giving us that “Barry Sanders” feel. The 3 stripe-less pants, 4 separate jersey colors, and interchangeable logos on the helmet gives us a modern touch to a classic look while maximizing versatility. These are top notch. The only reason they weren’t higher is because some other teams went from decent to great, not excellent to fantastic. Add on a special edition homecoming suit, and the Pokes have some serious firepower.
Cincinnati was the last of the three new uniform updates in 2023. While it’s certainly an improvement, it just doesn't have that flash or pizzazz that some of the other new updates do. The big news, of course, being the transition from Under Armour “ArmourGrid” template to Nike’s The look is utilitarian in the best of ways. The removed the red and white “zipper” stripes across the upper chest of the jersey in lieu of a collar and shoulder trim, and added their famous C-Paw logo on the middle C in “Cincinnati,” on the center collar, on the pauldrons, the helmet (of course) and the side of the plain pants. I think it's a tasteful touch (even though there's a ton of them) that cuts through the cleanness and adds some identity. The red collar and shoulder trim pops well against their normal home blacks, and overall it's a much needed improvement from Under Armour. Not the best of the Big 12, but still good!
Renovation - Best Throwback: Texas Tech's 1960s Throwback
- 2nd Place: Jack Trice Legacy Uniform
- 3rd Place: Utah All-White Throwbacks
- Honorable Mention: OK-State Homecoming Uniform
Iowa State has a rich history. Either the first or second land grant university ever - depending on who you ask (and some semantics) - there are a ton of storylines in the big book that is the Iowa Agricultural College’s history. One of the most moving is the legend of Jack Trice. The grandson of slaves, Trice was a sophomore studying animal husbandry, who wanted to get an education to assist black farmers in the South after graduation. Jack joined the football team at 19 years old, and was the first Black player to take the field at Iowa State. In only his second collegiate showing against Minnesota - October 6,1923 - Trice got to stay at the same Minneapolis hotel as his teammates, but he could not eat with them in the dining room. That night, Trice wrote a moving letter:
“My thoughts just before the first real college game of my life. The honor of my race, family, and self are at stake. Everyone is expecting me to do big things. I will! My whole body and soul are to be thrown recklessly about on the field tomorrow. Every time the ball is snapped I will be trying to do more than my part.”
During the game, Trice sustained fatal injuries after he was trampled by three Minnesota players. Though he claimed he was fine, Trice was rushed to a hospital where he died from hemorrhaged lungs two days later. These uniforms were a part of the university and athletics department’s week-long celebration honoring the 100 year anniversary of Jack Trice’s death. Outside of the stadium, university officials gave Trice a posthumous degree in animal husbandry and unveiled another sculpture in his honor, adding to his name on the stadium, a foundation awarding scholarships in his honor, and other statues on campus. The football team honored Jack by wearing throwback uniforms featuring the five chevron bars that Trice and his teammates wore in 1923. The uniforms and “AMES” helmets (harkening back to the early 1900s when ISU teams were commonly referred to as "Ames") also featured “I will” in Trice’s handwriting from the letter he wrote the night before his last game. Sure, these may not be the sleekest or iciest alternate uniform out there. But the legacy and meaning more than make up for any perceived lack of style. After all, this throwback to the burgeoning days of college football looks pretty good. If they added a white pants alt, I could see these getting even more longevity. I’m sure the helmet will make an appearance again, as it’s the best helmet they’ve worn since 2007.
Utah’s throwbacks may not have a single inspirational story behind them like these other looks, but they definitely deserve a spot on the podium for style alone. They offer plenty of details from a multitude of uniforms including: The interlocking UU logo on the helmet and pauldrons from the 1960s; Stripes on the legs and shoulders dating back to the 1970s; and my favorite touch, font brought back from the 1980s and 90s. The font is such a far cry from the normal “it’s a throwback so we’ll put block numbers” call. The red on all-white makes the details pop, and man I guess Under Armour can pull off a throwback. It’s an excellent showcase for many of the “good” uniform aspects Utah has worn in the past. I’ll admit, I wasn’t privy to a lot of Utah FB history at the start of the season, but these uniforms have made me want to learn, like all good throwbacks should.
Oklahoma State always has great uniforms, but what I love most is their ability to bring the past to life in unique ways. Why isn't this look ranked higher? Well, it's only a semi throwback. The uniforms are new, but draw from classic designs, and don’t feel vintage so much as classic. The helmets are the same story. They have older elements, most notably the logo, but it just isn’t a throwback as much as an homage. But, there was also a notorious lack of real throwbacks this year, so I felt they deserved a spot. I’ll give a brief rundown of the history, but if you want more, go to2023’s Big 12 Week 9 Unitracker Post, linked here or on my profile. Frank B. Eaton was an average Kansas kid who saw his father gunned down by a Confederate gang in 1867, when he was 7 years old. After being trained to shoot by his uncle, Moses, and learning the art of the quick draw in Ft. Gibson, Oklahoma, he became “Pistol Pete,” one of the fastest pistoleers in the West. After tracking down and killing the 5 men who were involved in his dad’s death, Frank “Pistol Pete” Eaton worked with famous lawmen like Isaac “the Hanging Judge” Parker and Sheriff Pat Garret (who killed Billy the Kid), met other famous outlaws like Bell Starr, put 11 notches on his gun, and eventually settled down in Perkins, OK. In 1923, Eaton led an Armistice Day parade in Stillwater while student committees looked to change mascots away from the Tigers. The students spoke with Eaton, and “Pistol Pete” agreed to be the living mascot for Oklahoma A&M. The rest is Oklahoma State history! These uniforms celebrate “The Year of the Cowboy,” or the 100th anniversary since Frank B. Eaton took the role of mascot at OSU. The ‘Wooly Chaps Pete” on the helm is one of the logos OK-State put out in 1984, and his signature graces the back bumper. It’s a touching tribute to a very well loved and respected man. I would have liked black pants with this look instead of a tri-color, but I still love it!
Changing up the Wardrobe - Best Alternate: Houston's Oiler Homage
- 2nd Place: Space U in Canaveral Blue
- 3rd Place: KU's "BlackHawk" Uniform
- Honorable Mention: WVU's "Country Roads" Part Two
UCF has brought us a very close second. The University of Central Florida has become well known for their moniker of “Space U.” And the stats behind the nickname are quite impressive. I won’t give an exhaustive list (because it really is quite long), but here’s some tidbits: UCF was founded in 1963 as Florida Technological University with the goal of educating eventual personnel for the U.S. space program at Kennedy Space Center and Cape Canaveral Air Force Station. UCF is still the top supplier of graduates to the aerospace and defense industry. There are 181 students and researchers who graduated from UCF currently working on 695 separate NASA projects, as of last November. These include microgravity, searching for exoplanets, extraterrestrial habitation, finding water on other celestial bodies, improved rocket systems, and countless other practical and theoretical applications. Most importantly, UCF alumni are involved in revitalizing the Artemis program, which should send astronauts to the moon once again. This year's Mission VII (their seventh continuous year with a space game) theme was “New Horizons.” Honoring not just an expanding frontier in NASA and the Artemis program, but also UCF’s own growing horizon in Big 12 competition, these suits have detail and style a plenty. First, the notable canvas of Canaveral Blue was much lauded by viewers. Add on custom touches of the “Space U” wordmark above the curved numbers, which mimics the trajectory of rocket launches as seen from campus, a reflective gray outline that represents the “night glow” in the upper atmosphere, and a smattering of stars in the Pegasus wing pattern on the shoulders, on the leg stripe, and in the outlined UCF on the helmet. Those stars and the clever use of a rocket launching into space on the pant legs - which doubles as a Knight’s sword - are my absolute favorite touches. It feels like these are the fantastical, sleek version of UCF’s normal hyper futuristic, realism-oriented space outfits. These are definitely in the top 3 of UCF’s 7 Space U alternates. The color has shock value, every choice has an explanation, and it honors men and women in science. What more can you ask for?
I tell you what, a blackout uniform was not on my bingo card for KU in 2023. I was completely surprised when these showed up in Week 2 against Illinois. I was even more surprised when I realized I like them. Blackout uniforms are a real head scratcher for most teams. One, most teams that release them don’t use black as an official color, making for an odd scenario. Two, the popular 2008-2012 fad of “black for black’s sake” put a negative spin on every team’s alternate (and believe me, it felt like every school had one). Three, much like all-white uniforms, blackouts tend to be devoid of identity. KU has worn black in the past, in a November 2012 showing with white helmets, but these seem to be the exception and an improvement on those. The liberal use of red and blue, the circus font wordmarks, that eye-catching blue facemask, and the small identity details like the KU Battle Flag on the back collar and 1941 “Warhawk” logo on the shoulders and helmet set this apart nicely. I especially like the circus font and striping, but I wish it was the full Warhawk logo, not just the head.
The Mountaineers brought back this icon from its release last year, with a few major tweaks. What was originally just a one-time look has grown into a fan favorite with multiple options. While the same premise from last year remains (the “Cue Country Roads” sublimated roadmap, WVU state outline incorporation, and bolder striping), they instead changed the colors from primarily white and blue to a home variant with gold and blue. It’s definitely a good change! It became my favorite WVU uniform this season, but it’s not quite a “new alternate,” more of a switch up of an already existing alt, hence its honorable mention status. There's a great balance of gold and blue here. It's modern without looking corporate, and feels very genuine and true to the state of West Virginia. Great look!
Shiny Buckets – Best New Helmet: 2023 Space U Lid
- 2nd Place: AMES Jack Trice Helmet
- 3rd Place: WVU State-Outline Helmet
- Honorable Mention: TCU’s Horned Frog Standalone
Similar to UCF, we’ve admired the alternates brought to us by Iowa State enough, so I’ll stick to the basics. These revamped “AMES” helmets bring viewers back to the early 1900s when ISU teams were commonly referred to as "Ames.” The all-white helmets feature an “I will” in red in Trice’s handwriting on the back bumper, and the gray facemask not only complements the gray chevrons on the jersey, but stands nicely on its own and adds a touch of vintage to an already great lid. I love it.
WVU had two new helmets this year. One was obviously the blue state outline logo helmet that accompanied the “Cue Country Roads” home alternate, and the other was the white-shelled state outline lid worn twice this year. I picked the white version because it feels more versatile than the former helmet. Don’t get me wrong, the “Country Roads” helm with the sublimated road map, on-point striping, and sweet logo is incredible. But there’s something about the crispness of the white shell sporting the blue West Virginia state outline and the bright yellow Flying WV logo; they just pop so perfectly! The no-stripe complements the all-white and White on Blue away combos both AND added a rarely seen blue facemask (usually WVU goes for a black or white facemask). These just feel like solid workhorse helmets that have a good ratio of WVU’s colors. No frills, but super classy. Like a crisp navy business suit with no tie.
TCU had several new helmets this year; they had this one, the first new one of the year (plus two other shell colors) and the annual Bloody threads helmet. Why does this one stand out? One, I love the white shell. It’s so professional, clean, and makes the purple in this particular uniform combo pop. The helmet itself pops against the black jersey. Two, I LOVE that they removed the TCU letters from the logo on this one. Similar to Arkansas or KU, the Horned Frog is an incredibly unique college mascot. The logo itself does not need the additional identifier of “TCU”. It’s the same reason I liked last year’s “Sooner Slayer” helmet (which you can find in the 2022 Awards post pinned to my profile). Lastly, that tiny pop of red on the eyes is the perfect cherry on top. Why didn’t I put the bloody threads helmet up here? Because it’s entirely reliant on the rest of the uniform AND they added those weird “frogskin” lines sublimated on the shell. I love the old school logo on top, but it just felt like a weaker version of a normally strong Blood Threads alternate. A great honorable mention for TCU.
Gridiron Runway - Best Conference Matchup: BYU vs Texas
- 2nd Place: OSU vs OU (Bedlam)
- 3rd Place: WVU at Oklahoma, Week 11
- Honorable Mention: Farmageddon - K-State vs ISU
They were in here last season, and they placed again: Bedlam continues to be a fiery one. Last year, we saw OK-State rock their Orange/White/Orange Cursive Cowboy suits against OU’s standard home threads, which placed 2nd in this same category (see my other pinned post in my profile for those awards). This year, they swapped, with OSU donning a foreboding Black/Black/Orange combo - also with the Cursive Cowboys logo - against the Sooner’s mostly white road suits, which haven’t changed much since the 1930s. It's a classic case of traditional vs novel modernism. The Cowboy’s new 2023 uniforms made things a little less busy past templates AND added a little retro flair, but the rivals are still pretty dichotomic when it comes to the uniforms. The symmetry of B/B/O and Red/W/W is an added bonus. This just feels right. I really hope we see Bedlam in the future, despite the conference shake-up.
The Mountaineers continue to make rounds. This Week 11 matchup hit hard because of the monochromatic, almost black and white feel. But this time, it had a twist. WVU perfectly paired their whiteouts against OU’s anthracite “Unity” alternates for a refreshingly novel matchup. WVU relaunched their new cleaned up state outline helmet to great effect, and the small detailing of blue vs crimson feels right. Also, if you look closely, you’ll see that OU has a similar state outline of Oklahoma on their pauldron. This is a rare occurrence of OU’s alternates being used to scratch an itch that the standard uniforms just wouldn’t have got to. Both of these uniforms are fine when apart, but putting them better easily slots them in at 3rd place.
This may seem like a bit of KSU favoritism for the honorable mention, but I only need to say two words to get everyone on my side: SNOW GAME. Who doesn’t love a snow game? Seeing that purple and silver gleam in the wintery weather should make any Big 12 game happy. Plus, Iowa State’s kinda-camo away uniforms also did a good job. The red accents really jump out at you when the field is all white. (It’s worth mentioning, as I type this, Abu Sama III just ran for another 70+ yd TD). What a way to end the regular season. Although, I do wish the Cyclones would have worn their new “AMES” helmets, just to go full on polar bear. Regardless, this was a gorgeous, frozen game to behold.
Friends from Out West - Best Newcomer Uniform Team: Arizona State Sun Devils
- 2nd Place: Utah Utes
- 3rd Place: Colorado Buffaloes
- Honorable Mention: Arizona Wildcats
The Utes from SLC, Utah have some of the better Under Armour templates I’ve seen. Contrast these to teams like, say, Texas Tech. The coloration is clean. The stripes aren’t wild or adventurous while still feeling different. There’s a subtle use of gray as an accent. The classic and recognizable logo (akin to a certain Double T) is kept simple and uncomplicated. And that’s just their regular uniforms. Utah wore alternates 4 (5 if you want to count the painted helmet) times this year, including their “Ute Proud” suits, and two throwbacks (2 away showings, one home). While I’m honestly not a huge fan of Utah’s hand-painted helmets trend, these ones were received well. The talking point that gets me most excited for Utah’s uniforms are, of course, the throwbacks. I’m very interested to see if anything is different coming into their inaugural Big 12 2024 season.
Colorado had a decent showing, and we all know Coach Prime values style, but most of these uniforms felt like they were hodge-podged together from different templates and sets from days past. It doesn’t help that they still wear Nike’s “Flywire” fabric (check the center collar for proof). There were definitely some bright spots, though! Their 2023 opener versus TCU found a little later is a testament to that. Mostly, I’m more excited for what they bring to the table uniform wise next year. Deion Sanders has already confirmed new uniforms are coming to the Buffs before the 2024 season, and boy am I excited for them. With their history, tradition, and a bonafide debonair dresser as coach, you know CU has an opportunity to impress. Watch out!
Arizona slid in at the honorable mention spot not because they have bad suits; on the contrary, their uniforms are very stylish. I just feel like Arizona is a team that tried the uniform experiment and decided to go the traditional route. Their “Desert Swarm” revamps from the Dick Tomey era are still going strong, but apart from those and the variance that comes with them, they just don’t really do alternates. Their lone exception was a military tribute that I thought was touching. Stylish and consistent, but nothing extraordinary. Same as how I feel about OU, Arkansas, or BYU. We’ll see if they do anything wild in 2024. I do like the mismatched striping, though. That is a touch that should remain the “Arizona thing.”
Yikes! - Worst Conference Matchups: The Revivalry - Baylor at TCU
- 2nd Place: WVU vs TTU Week 4
- 3rd Place:Texas Tech at Kansas
- Honorable Mention: BYU Blackout vs ISU
The Mountaineers wore all-yellow against a white-and-red team. This just kind of felt like a Heinz commercial to me, with lots of mustard and a little bit of ketchup. There were times when it worked on the field and times where it definitely didn't, so I was left going back and forth. Plus, TTU just cannot rock a red helmet while the Bevel T stays red. A weird game, to be sure.
Kansas fumbled this one HARD. After upsetting the Sooners in their brand-spanking new uniforms and wearing a solid updated suit in their win against the Cyclones in Ames, they decided to bring back their out-dated red uniforms against Texas Tech. In doing so, they reminded fans of the old Big 12 basement-dweller out there, not the Jayhawk squad that had just been tearing up the conference. Plus, the Blue/Red/Blue combo felt especially weird - almost like 3D glasses. This game could have looked spectacular with a mostly blue suit versus Tech’s all white. This was a weird move backwards for KU, but was quickly remedied. Hopefully we’ll see a red update this summer.
Not as bad as the others, but isn’t it ironic that the team normally known for wearing controversial blackout uniforms played against a team that wore an inexplicable blackout uniform? BYU already has such a recognizable color that using it on a blackout look feels almost wasteful somehow. At least last year’s version had a gradient (which I still didn’t like). Black just doesn’t suit the Cougars.
Far from Regular – Best Non-Con Uniform Matchup: Baylor vs Texas State
- 2nd Place: TCU vs Colorado
- 3rd Place: Arizona State vs Washington
- Honorable Mention: WVU vs UNC (Mayo Bowl)
Baylor vs Texas State in Week 1 was a hell of a game. The same matchup last year resulted in a hard loss for the Bobcats, and they clearly used that blowout as a motivator, starting the 2023 season by punching the Bears in the mouth. The 2022 matchup -which slotted in at #2 last year - also started my pet project for Texas State. I’ve become a huge fan of their EQ team and uniforms (especially their use of gold and black as accents to that beautiful maroon and white). This particular game saw both teams’ best uniforms. Baylor wore a brand new combo that looked gorgeous, and contrasted the yellow nicely, while the green pants paired with TXST’s maroon bottoms. The use of gold, again, really does the trick. It’s not meant to be flashy or in your face, but adds that extra pizzazz to an already stellar look.
Speaking of gold, Colorado wore one of my favorite “icy-white” combos of the season, incorporating a healthy amount of gold leaf to their logo and jersey numbers. TCU challenged the look with some classy use of silver on the Horned Frog logo and collar accents, and of course rocking that deep purple that I love so much. If Colorado can replicate something like this in their new 2024 suits, they will have struck gold (ha! Get it?)
While not an out-of-conference game for the Big 12 per se, this uniform clash definitely felt good enough to medal at the podium. I mean come on! In the first year after a hiatus from white helmets, the Sun Devils drop this heater of a helmet against Washington's purple chrome alternates? I’m in love. The gold used by the Huskies would have fought hard with any yellow worn by ASU, so they kept it simple and complemented a dark heavy UW look with a crisp and clean white look. There are enough splashes of maroon to keep the Sun Devils from looking generic, and the filled in trident does wonders for coloring the helmet. Speaking of the trident, the normally hated “leg trident” on ASU’s pants actually helps the Sun Devils maintain an identity in all-white scenarios like this. Curse you, ASU for proving me wrong! Damn, this was gorgeous. Also, Washington definitely should have worn this alternate again in an encore at some point. What a beautiful matchup.
Obviously, WVU has impressed me this season, and I’m sure you’re tired of hearing about them, so I’ll instead talk about those dashing argyle designs worn by UNC! I loved the interposing of sleek argyle geometric Carolina blue against the swirling, curved, almost chaotic yellow and dark blue of WVU’s sublimated road design. The lightness of the blue and white makes this combo feel almost airy, and the black outline of the black numbers adds just a touch of edge. Both are perfectly emblematic of each school and complemented each other in the best of ways. The perfect way to round out our categorical awards.
Drumroll please... The moment you’ve all been waiting for!
Best of the Best - Big XII 2023 Uniform Team of the Year: Oklahoma State Cowboys
- 2nd Place: WVU Mountaineers
- 3rd Place: Baylor Bears
- Honorable Mention: Kansas Jayhawks
In 2019, Baylor introduced a uniform refresh that - while a little pedestrian - promised versatility and interchangeability in their suits. That hasn’t really been experimented with until this year. After hearing Baylor fans complain about how “We only ever wear all-green!” game after game in 2022, 3 new color combos (including my favorite Yellow/Yellow/Green), 2 fun alternate helmets, and a spaced-out usage of their all-green workhorse look felt like cool water on a hot Texas day. The simplified design lends itself so well to unique options, and they had a great balance of variety and tradition. I’ll be honest, watching the Bears was rough at times, but these uniforms made it all worth it! A much-improved year for Baylor, at least threads-wise. Here’s to some hopeful alternates in 2024! Great work!
WVU may not have been as flashy with their new releases as some other teams, but their two new helmets, one new uniform, handsome use of gray, wide variety of combos, and overall insight into contrasting colors during matchups made for one hell of a fashionable season. It seemed like the Mountaineers felt their swagger on the field, and played like it, too. Dan Nehlen and Kyle Keesler of the WVU Football EQ team should be very proud of their efforts off the field. If WVU continues their magnificent attention to detail and style, we may see them take down the top spot soon.
Ok, here it is. I know the Pokes won first place last year, but there’s honestly no way I can put someone else up there. OK-State took their already award-winning fan favorite uniforms and updated them further. They removed everything that appeared dated, added some traditional elements while keeping an edge, and maintained a beautiful color consistency. Uniform variety is fun, but so is tradition and brand recognition. Oklahoma State always does an incredible job of honoring the brand while also fostering an engaging variety. Recruits want combos and recognition, fans want to feel involved and listened to, and it seems like both recruiting and fan engagement goes up when uniforms are involved. Plus, the adage remains true: “look good, play good.” No one should be afraid of looking their best or being proud that their favorite team looks their best, or just talking about how their favorite team looks, and OK-State gets it right 99% of the time. I have two gripes with the uniforms, and it’s that the template puts the chest wordmark slightly too low, and the cinched sleeves keep slipping off the pads. That's it! OK-State continues to bring it every week, especially with these brand-new uniforms. Congrats to the Cowboys for another fantastic and fashionable season and enjoy the prestige of being the 2023 Big XII Uniform Team of the Year!
And just like that, I’m all finished up! 2023 in uniforms is officially over, and the 2024 offseason is upon us. Thank you for indulging my hobby with the Big XII’s uniforms, regardless of if you’re a casual lurker or a hardcore uniform enthusiast. Your comments are appreciated, and I love the feedback I've received over the past few months. I hope I could brighten your day, or at the very least pique your interest. Enjoy yourselves, stay warm out there, and keep an eye out for individual team uniform rankings in the coming months! See you soon, in America’s best dressed football conference!
2024.02.09 00:00 zvbgamer 1978-Year 3
I've made two of these posts before for 1976 and 1977, but it's been a while. 1978 took me longer to get through because of a mixture of irl stuff as well as just having a lot of content (although, it is probably still nothing compared to the many years to come). These posts are me going through every Star Wars movie, book, video game, etc., and doing a retrospective year-by-year. Now, let's see what this year brought us. After you're done reading, feel free to comment about any of the media you have experience with below and we can talk about it!
While it came out towards the end of the year, the first thing I want to discuss is the new movie we got this year. Last year, A New Hope was released and was a major success. To this day it continues to be an amazing masterpiece of a movie. However, the movie released this year was far from that. That's right. We are talking about the Star Wars Holiday Special. Many people hate the prequel and sequel movies, but I don't think there will ever be another Star Wars movie that is as despised as this movie. It's almost two hours long and most of the characters speak in nothing but grunts, with not even subtitles to showcase what they're saying. Also, there are so many weird sections of the movie. I wonder whose idea it was to have an entire section dedicated to the grandpa sitting in the living room watching what was pretty much vr porn. There were some good moments in this movie, like the Boba Fett cartoon short. However, 95% of this movie reeks, and it's honestly a spectacle to witness how bad it gets. There's a reason George Lucas himself has pretty much disowned this movie.
This year, there was only one more book released, which I guess is an improvement over having no books in 1977. This was also the first original book, with the only book beforehand from 1976 being the novelization of A New Hope. The book I'm talking about is called Splinter of the Mind's Eye. Honestly, the book is pretty bad. The history of the book is more interesting than the book itself. It was made as a failsafe if A New Hope failed. George Lucas always wanted to make a sequel, but he knew he couldn't make something like The Empire Strikes Back if A New Hope failed. So, he had Alan Dean Foster write up a direct-to-DVD sequel to release if ANH was a failure. Thankfully, ANH succeeded and we got ESB instead of this book. Of course, the book still got released anyway. We just never got a movie about it. The plot was made with cheapness in mind. Han Solo was just not present at all in the book, with no explanation for his absence. This was because they didn't want to rehire Harrison Ford due to how expensive it would be. It all takes place on one planet, a swampy one which I guess can be seen as a precursor for Dagobah. This was so sets could be cheaply made, and fog could be used to cover up imperfections. I won't go over the plot specifically just in case any of you read it, but I'll just explain why I don't like it so feel free to skip to the next paragraph if you don't want spoilers. First of all, they kind of merged Solo's character into Luke due to his absence and it just feels weird. There's a moment where Luke straight up slaps Leia and tells guards that she is simply his slave. This just felt really out of character for Luke. Also, there are several moments where both Luke and Leia act uncharacteristically childish. For example, there is a moment when they are undercover in an imperial camp and they need to blend in (this is the same moment where Luke slaps Leia). However, right after having a close call, they start wrestling in the mud. Imagine if, during the Death Star escape, everyone just started playing in the trash compactor and were throwing trash at one another. That would be incredibly stupid, and it is stupid in this book. Of course, surprise surprise, they get caught and arrested. There are several moments throughout the book like this. Also, Darth Vader is kind of played as a joke. He sometimes makes one-liners and while he kicks Luke and Leia's asses at the end, he ends up getting defeated because he trips and falls down a deep hole. The last thing I want to discuss is the giant plot hole this story creates. Keep in mind this book is no longer canon so it doesn't apply anymore, but it did apply at the time the older movies were released. In the end, Luke takes possession of the very powerful crystal they spent the entire book looking for. However, while I cannot talk about future comics, books, and video games, I can talk about future movies. This crystal could have easily helped Luke in so many instances throughout the film. I know ANH was the only film at the time, but they really should have broken the crystal at the end as its disappearance in future media makes no sense yet it is necessary to not make Luke too overpowered of a character.
Now it's time to start talking about comics. The first comics I want to talk about are the Marvel Comics Star Wars series. I talked about the first issues when I talked about 1977. For the sake of this post, I will only be talking about issues 10-21. These comics are not that good in my opinion, but they do have their moments. For example, in the later issues, the gang comes across this giant space ring which is a giant casino. I like the setting and it's cool to see the main characters explore it. However, there are cons rather than pros with these comics. A lot of the new characters are either generic or underdeveloped. There are space pirates who are exactly as you envision them when you hear the words "space pirate." There are the stereotypical cartoonishly evil imperial officers. Some characters had great potential but were overall squandered. The biggest example of that in these issues was Jolli. She is a member of the space pirate crew who they come across. Seeing as this is 1978, it was refreshing to see a woman in such a prominent, badass, and in-charge role. While there was nothing wrong with how Princess Leia was depicted in ANH as she had plenty of badass moments of her own, she still took upon a damsel in distress role. In Jolli's case, she was a badass space pirate who didn't take crap from anyone. She also had an interesting backstory, with her father abandoning her and her mother as a kid and therefore growing a distrust in men. However, despite such a great character idea and setup, she kind of just amounts to another love interest for Han Solo. Her only development and big actions end up being taking a liking to Han Solo and saving them once before she dies. There was nothing else to what she did in these issues. I would have loved to see Jolli live and become a character who did badass stuff and had an impact on the series. However, in the end, she was just a forgotten character in a couple of issues of a comic book series.
The other comic series I want to discuss is Pizzazz. It is a series of comics about pop culture (usually Marvel-related). Each issue contained a small section dedicated to Star Wars, which featured a unique Star Wars comic to read. I will only be talking about the Star Wars sections of these stories. I discussed the first couple of issues in 1977, so for this post, I'll be talking about issues 5-16, which I believe are the rest of the issues since I don't see any more issues after 16. These comics are a lot shorter than the previous Marvel series I mentioned. I don't have much to say about these comics. They come across a group of kids with superpowers who help them evade imperials, so I guess there's that? I don't know what else to say, they didn't leave much of an impact on me. Feel free to initiate a discussion below if you have something to say about them. The only other thing I can say is that it ended weirdly. Despite issue 16 being the last one, it didn't wrap up the current arc they were in and left off on a cliffhanger. Maybe the arc continues in a different comic book series? I don't know. I guess I'll have to wait and see.
Now here is the last thing I want to discuss. This is for various miscellaneous stuff released throughout this year that I want to very briefly touch on. Like 1977, there was a lot of cool stuff this year that gave an insight to how A New Hope was made. The Official Star Wars Fan Club Newsletter (which was later renamed to Bantha Tracks which I find kind of funny and cool) and Star Wars Official Poster Monthly did this well.
That's it. What do you think of the media released during 1978? In my opinion, this year was quite rough. There was nothing really outstanding about it. We wouldn't get Empire Strikes Back until 1980, so I guess now is the question of whether or not 1979 will be like 1978 or if it will be an improvement. I guess I'll find out here soon.
submitted by zvbgamer to StarWars [link] [comments]
While it came out towards the end of the year, the first thing I want to discuss is the new movie we got this year. Last year, A New Hope was released and was a major success. To this day it continues to be an amazing masterpiece of a movie. However, the movie released this year was far from that. That's right. We are talking about the Star Wars Holiday Special. Many people hate the prequel and sequel movies, but I don't think there will ever be another Star Wars movie that is as despised as this movie. It's almost two hours long and most of the characters speak in nothing but grunts, with not even subtitles to showcase what they're saying. Also, there are so many weird sections of the movie. I wonder whose idea it was to have an entire section dedicated to the grandpa sitting in the living room watching what was pretty much vr porn. There were some good moments in this movie, like the Boba Fett cartoon short. However, 95% of this movie reeks, and it's honestly a spectacle to witness how bad it gets. There's a reason George Lucas himself has pretty much disowned this movie.
This year, there was only one more book released, which I guess is an improvement over having no books in 1977. This was also the first original book, with the only book beforehand from 1976 being the novelization of A New Hope. The book I'm talking about is called Splinter of the Mind's Eye. Honestly, the book is pretty bad. The history of the book is more interesting than the book itself. It was made as a failsafe if A New Hope failed. George Lucas always wanted to make a sequel, but he knew he couldn't make something like The Empire Strikes Back if A New Hope failed. So, he had Alan Dean Foster write up a direct-to-DVD sequel to release if ANH was a failure. Thankfully, ANH succeeded and we got ESB instead of this book. Of course, the book still got released anyway. We just never got a movie about it. The plot was made with cheapness in mind. Han Solo was just not present at all in the book, with no explanation for his absence. This was because they didn't want to rehire Harrison Ford due to how expensive it would be. It all takes place on one planet, a swampy one which I guess can be seen as a precursor for Dagobah. This was so sets could be cheaply made, and fog could be used to cover up imperfections. I won't go over the plot specifically just in case any of you read it, but I'll just explain why I don't like it so feel free to skip to the next paragraph if you don't want spoilers. First of all, they kind of merged Solo's character into Luke due to his absence and it just feels weird. There's a moment where Luke straight up slaps Leia and tells guards that she is simply his slave. This just felt really out of character for Luke. Also, there are several moments where both Luke and Leia act uncharacteristically childish. For example, there is a moment when they are undercover in an imperial camp and they need to blend in (this is the same moment where Luke slaps Leia). However, right after having a close call, they start wrestling in the mud. Imagine if, during the Death Star escape, everyone just started playing in the trash compactor and were throwing trash at one another. That would be incredibly stupid, and it is stupid in this book. Of course, surprise surprise, they get caught and arrested. There are several moments throughout the book like this. Also, Darth Vader is kind of played as a joke. He sometimes makes one-liners and while he kicks Luke and Leia's asses at the end, he ends up getting defeated because he trips and falls down a deep hole. The last thing I want to discuss is the giant plot hole this story creates. Keep in mind this book is no longer canon so it doesn't apply anymore, but it did apply at the time the older movies were released. In the end, Luke takes possession of the very powerful crystal they spent the entire book looking for. However, while I cannot talk about future comics, books, and video games, I can talk about future movies. This crystal could have easily helped Luke in so many instances throughout the film. I know ANH was the only film at the time, but they really should have broken the crystal at the end as its disappearance in future media makes no sense yet it is necessary to not make Luke too overpowered of a character.
Now it's time to start talking about comics. The first comics I want to talk about are the Marvel Comics Star Wars series. I talked about the first issues when I talked about 1977. For the sake of this post, I will only be talking about issues 10-21. These comics are not that good in my opinion, but they do have their moments. For example, in the later issues, the gang comes across this giant space ring which is a giant casino. I like the setting and it's cool to see the main characters explore it. However, there are cons rather than pros with these comics. A lot of the new characters are either generic or underdeveloped. There are space pirates who are exactly as you envision them when you hear the words "space pirate." There are the stereotypical cartoonishly evil imperial officers. Some characters had great potential but were overall squandered. The biggest example of that in these issues was Jolli. She is a member of the space pirate crew who they come across. Seeing as this is 1978, it was refreshing to see a woman in such a prominent, badass, and in-charge role. While there was nothing wrong with how Princess Leia was depicted in ANH as she had plenty of badass moments of her own, she still took upon a damsel in distress role. In Jolli's case, she was a badass space pirate who didn't take crap from anyone. She also had an interesting backstory, with her father abandoning her and her mother as a kid and therefore growing a distrust in men. However, despite such a great character idea and setup, she kind of just amounts to another love interest for Han Solo. Her only development and big actions end up being taking a liking to Han Solo and saving them once before she dies. There was nothing else to what she did in these issues. I would have loved to see Jolli live and become a character who did badass stuff and had an impact on the series. However, in the end, she was just a forgotten character in a couple of issues of a comic book series.
The other comic series I want to discuss is Pizzazz. It is a series of comics about pop culture (usually Marvel-related). Each issue contained a small section dedicated to Star Wars, which featured a unique Star Wars comic to read. I will only be talking about the Star Wars sections of these stories. I discussed the first couple of issues in 1977, so for this post, I'll be talking about issues 5-16, which I believe are the rest of the issues since I don't see any more issues after 16. These comics are a lot shorter than the previous Marvel series I mentioned. I don't have much to say about these comics. They come across a group of kids with superpowers who help them evade imperials, so I guess there's that? I don't know what else to say, they didn't leave much of an impact on me. Feel free to initiate a discussion below if you have something to say about them. The only other thing I can say is that it ended weirdly. Despite issue 16 being the last one, it didn't wrap up the current arc they were in and left off on a cliffhanger. Maybe the arc continues in a different comic book series? I don't know. I guess I'll have to wait and see.
Now here is the last thing I want to discuss. This is for various miscellaneous stuff released throughout this year that I want to very briefly touch on. Like 1977, there was a lot of cool stuff this year that gave an insight to how A New Hope was made. The Official Star Wars Fan Club Newsletter (which was later renamed to Bantha Tracks which I find kind of funny and cool) and Star Wars Official Poster Monthly did this well.
That's it. What do you think of the media released during 1978? In my opinion, this year was quite rough. There was nothing really outstanding about it. We wouldn't get Empire Strikes Back until 1980, so I guess now is the question of whether or not 1979 will be like 1978 or if it will be an improvement. I guess I'll find out here soon.
2024.01.30 14:34 7slotgames 918kiss Slot Games: An Aussie's Guide to Fun and Fortune! 🎰🇦🇺" G'day, mates!
 | I'm here to yarn about something that's as Aussie as a kangaroo in a footy jersey – 918kiss Slot Games! If you're looking to add a bit of pizzazz to your gaming experience, pull up a chair, and let's chat. 🪑 submitted by 7slotgames to u/7slotgames [link] [comments] https://preview.redd.it/sou8oguzxkfc1.jpg?width=612&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=d680215d61b3d9c1319f7bebfaa2bfa16767cd7d First off, let's talk about 918kiss. It's a virtual casino that's as popular in Australia as snagging a snag at a Bunnings warehouse. It's jam-packed with slot games that'll make you feel like you're in the middle of Sydney's Star Casino, minus the need to wear your fancy pants. Now, diving into these games is as easy as a pie. Whether you're a newbie or a seasoned slot slinger, there's something for everyone. You'll find everything from the classic fruit machines (for a taste of nostalgia) to flashy, modern slots with graphics that are more colourful than a parrot at the Great Barrier Reef! But here's the kicker – and it's a good'un. These games are not just about spinning and winning. They're about having a good time, throwing in a laugh, and enjoying the thrill. It's like a BBQ with friends, but you might just end up with a bit more cash in your pocket. A word to the wise, though: always play responsibly. Think of it like having a cold one at the beach – it's all about moderation. Keep it fun, don't go overboard, and remember, it's just a game. So, why not give 918kiss a burl? Who knows, you might just hit the jackpot while having a ripper of a time. And if you've already tried it, I'd love to hear your tales. Did you find a game that's more fun than a kangaroo on a trampoline? Share your stories and tips – let's make this thread as lively as a footy match! |
2024.01.24 06:19 Waterfoule767 「Watertown」, the stand of Fessor Cahn
Namesake: Watertown by Frank Sinatra "Great to be back on the air!"
Stand User: Fessor Cahn is an approximately 92-year old vampire appearing similar to how he did in mortal life - a 6'2 male with a very petite build at a weight of roughly 130 pounds. He has dirty blond hair combed into forward-facing clumps, but is short around the back and sides. His skin is fairly pale, with a dusty hue to it. Multichromatic eyes shine behind small glasses possessing undersized circular lenses, the eye pupils' coloration being amber rings around a thin blue area in the center. Fessor wears a gray suit jacket with a white undershirt and an emerald-green tie. He wears white silk gloves and is extremely particular about soiling them more than his other clothing. He wears similar gray pants that turn upwards at the ankles to reveal that the interior of the attire is white. Fessor wears black shoes in addition to this. His front teeth are sharpened slightly as a result of vampirism, with fantastic oral hygiene to boot. Fessor is frequently seen carrying a long rod with a vintage microphone on the end, which he uses to remotely start radio broadcast sessions without a proper studio to do so. Throughout his life, Fessor was very oriented towards the radio. As soon as he was old enough to start working towards a job, Fessor had plans to make his living through broadcasting. He was, surprisingly, an immediate success. Some people were surprised by his ratings going straight through the roof immediately, but there was nothing too out of the ordinary there... right? Well, Fessor had being afflicted by vampirism soon after his extreme success began, which allowed him to retain his youth over many more years. This kept his signature voice the same for his entire career, further establishing his radio personality. After two dozen years of radio, Fessor was preparing to go to bed when a man from the local TV station broke into his studio and shot him twice in the head. Unprepared for such an attack, Fessor was stunned at how he took the gunfire and unintentionally allowed his murderer to escape. However, due to a photo taken of his stunned and bloodied corpse shown immediately on television, Fessor was forced to go into hiding to avoid questioning. Still, he continued to work in radio to the anger of his rivalling station. Taking on an urban legend-esque persona, Fessor raked in even more fame and riches after faking his death. However, he did have to constantly change locations to avoid being found out. This is where his stand, Watertown, came in to help him move around with ease. Fessor's voice post vampirism has taken on a bit of a static undertone to it, causing auditory disturbances in the tone before bodily manipulation is used to change how his voice sounds.
Stand Appearance: Watertown manifests in the form of a large, animate building. The central body, which is always visible regardless of whether it is stationary or mobile, is comprised of a full outline of pale green glass walls. Black lines allow the panels of glass to separate from one another to cause the curve in the building's octagonal perimeter. Above the green glass is a metal ceiling. Where the black lines encroach on the ceiling are vintage-style microphones similar the the one held by Fessor at all times. The ceiling is topped with a strangely proportioned and lopsided radio tower. Moving back down to the central building, a circular platform with a plain steel railing protrudes from the base of the glass walls. Right underneath it is an intricate metal apparatus from which six spindly legs extend from and allow mobility. The legs are roughly fifteen feet long each, split by ball joints, which upon inspection can be identified as spherical microphones. In the center of the body a spotlight can flip down to help visibility during movement. This spotlight can be left rather dim or incredibly bright, which allows Fessor to control the illumination inside the stand, which is where the spotlight conventionally stays. An additional note to make is that the microphones around the building can be used as speakers to communicate from inside the stand. Stand art found here.
Stand Ability: Watertown's ability relies around Fessor's senses or speech and what they perceive being broadcasted to the senses of targets within range of the ability or retaining contact with a part of Fessor's body. For the sake of simplicity, the term 'senses' refers to the five base senses as well as speech within explanations. The basic activation of Watertown is to have made non-sight based sensory interaction with a target. This is limited to hearing a sound produced by, making contact with, tasting, or noticing the distinct scent of some sort of physical matter. This can affect any number of targets, and retain the effects in a 150 meter range of the user. However, when Fessor has a flesh bud or another piece of his body on a target, the ability can continue operation on the target at any range. Notably, the effects of Watertown can be freely changed at any time as long as the activation condition is retained. Broadcasting senses. Whenever the stand's user broadcasts a sense as a whole, it disables the broadcasted sense over the target's. This makes the target's senses experience the exact same things as the user's senses are. Examples of this would be making them hear what the user is or see what the user is seeing. Contrarily, this goes the other way as well. A target's senses can be broadcasted to other targets or the user as well, creating the same effect. Broadcasting forms. Fessor can broadcast into matter not involved in senses as well. This operates exactly the same as when a sense as a whole is sent through - hearing, seeing, or feeling through that matter, but gets slightly more abstract when it comes to broadcasting aspects found by the senses. For instance, when the user hears a sound, it could be broadcasted to a stone in the area. The sound would then come from the stone until the effect ended. Sight would turn perception of the stone to instead be seen as the image broadcasted, touch would make the stone be the same to touch as whatever Fessor is broadcasting, while taste and scent would do exactly what you think it would. Speech would operate similarly to sound, where the user's speech would appear to be coming from the rock as well.
Examples by senses, not limited to the following
Hearing - Broadcasts a sound heard by the user, which spreads that sound to other targets and makes them hear it as well. - Broadcasts the user's sense of hearing, which makes multiple targets lose their sense of hearing and instead gain that of the user's.
Sight - Broadcasts an image seen by the user, which can be used to make various targets see that image or make something appear as that image. - Broadcasts the user's sense of sight, revoking that of a target's and instead making them see what the user does.
Touch - Broadcasts a physical feeling currently felt by the user - the temperature or texture of something, for instance. - Broadcasts the user's sense of touch, allowing a target to feel everything exactly as the user is rather than what they normally would - or vice versa.
Taste - Broadcasts a taste that the user is experiencing. This can make a target experience that taste or make something taste exactly like it. - Broadcasts the user's sense of taste across varying numbers of targets, causing anything the user tastes to be tasted by targets with a sense of taste instead of what they would taste currently.
Smell - Broadcasts a scent that the user is smelling, making something smell like that or making something else smell it. - Broadcasts the user's sense of smell, influencing other targets to instead smell what the user does rather than they would.
Speech - Broadcasts something that the user is saying to something or someone else, making that the point of where the speech comes from. This overrides the target's speech as well, effectively muting them if the user chooses not to speak. - Broadcasts something that a target is saying, making other targets say the same thing as another.
Sound effects. Fessor's ability developed after some time to allow his body to play various generally old-fashioned sound effects such as a laugh track or a short instrumental riff. This is normally for his radio show to add a little 'pizzazz', but it can be used in convoluted ways to be helpful outside of it as well.
Stats: Destructive Power: E (Watertown's ability does not have any immediate destructive potential, requiring much setup from Fessor in order to be dangerous.) Speed: D (The ability is instantaneous in delivery, while the stand is quite slow as a whole - clocking in at a.) Range: A (Fessor's influence spreads over 150 meters as a base, and can go any range as long as he is using a part of himself to keep a target available.) Stamina: B (Watertown itself isn't very durable - it's primarily composed of glass. Meanwhile, the ability can remain active for very long durations and without much intentional effort from the user.) Precision: A (Watertown's ability can be activated on a highly precise level, down to the very individual bits of something detected by Fessor's senses. The stand itself is physically quite precise as it moves as well. With the point of one of its legs, the stand could accurately tap the tip of a needle without disturbing it at all. This helps it move around to new locations without causing disarray.) Developmental Potential: C (Watertown has been mastered by Fessor, but has a very wide array of options for usage.)
submitted by Waterfoule767 to fanStands [link] [comments]
Stand User: Fessor Cahn is an approximately 92-year old vampire appearing similar to how he did in mortal life - a 6'2 male with a very petite build at a weight of roughly 130 pounds. He has dirty blond hair combed into forward-facing clumps, but is short around the back and sides. His skin is fairly pale, with a dusty hue to it. Multichromatic eyes shine behind small glasses possessing undersized circular lenses, the eye pupils' coloration being amber rings around a thin blue area in the center. Fessor wears a gray suit jacket with a white undershirt and an emerald-green tie. He wears white silk gloves and is extremely particular about soiling them more than his other clothing. He wears similar gray pants that turn upwards at the ankles to reveal that the interior of the attire is white. Fessor wears black shoes in addition to this. His front teeth are sharpened slightly as a result of vampirism, with fantastic oral hygiene to boot. Fessor is frequently seen carrying a long rod with a vintage microphone on the end, which he uses to remotely start radio broadcast sessions without a proper studio to do so. Throughout his life, Fessor was very oriented towards the radio. As soon as he was old enough to start working towards a job, Fessor had plans to make his living through broadcasting. He was, surprisingly, an immediate success. Some people were surprised by his ratings going straight through the roof immediately, but there was nothing too out of the ordinary there... right? Well, Fessor had being afflicted by vampirism soon after his extreme success began, which allowed him to retain his youth over many more years. This kept his signature voice the same for his entire career, further establishing his radio personality. After two dozen years of radio, Fessor was preparing to go to bed when a man from the local TV station broke into his studio and shot him twice in the head. Unprepared for such an attack, Fessor was stunned at how he took the gunfire and unintentionally allowed his murderer to escape. However, due to a photo taken of his stunned and bloodied corpse shown immediately on television, Fessor was forced to go into hiding to avoid questioning. Still, he continued to work in radio to the anger of his rivalling station. Taking on an urban legend-esque persona, Fessor raked in even more fame and riches after faking his death. However, he did have to constantly change locations to avoid being found out. This is where his stand, Watertown, came in to help him move around with ease. Fessor's voice post vampirism has taken on a bit of a static undertone to it, causing auditory disturbances in the tone before bodily manipulation is used to change how his voice sounds.
Stand Appearance: Watertown manifests in the form of a large, animate building. The central body, which is always visible regardless of whether it is stationary or mobile, is comprised of a full outline of pale green glass walls. Black lines allow the panels of glass to separate from one another to cause the curve in the building's octagonal perimeter. Above the green glass is a metal ceiling. Where the black lines encroach on the ceiling are vintage-style microphones similar the the one held by Fessor at all times. The ceiling is topped with a strangely proportioned and lopsided radio tower. Moving back down to the central building, a circular platform with a plain steel railing protrudes from the base of the glass walls. Right underneath it is an intricate metal apparatus from which six spindly legs extend from and allow mobility. The legs are roughly fifteen feet long each, split by ball joints, which upon inspection can be identified as spherical microphones. In the center of the body a spotlight can flip down to help visibility during movement. This spotlight can be left rather dim or incredibly bright, which allows Fessor to control the illumination inside the stand, which is where the spotlight conventionally stays. An additional note to make is that the microphones around the building can be used as speakers to communicate from inside the stand. Stand art found here.
Stand Ability: Watertown's ability relies around Fessor's senses or speech and what they perceive being broadcasted to the senses of targets within range of the ability or retaining contact with a part of Fessor's body. For the sake of simplicity, the term 'senses' refers to the five base senses as well as speech within explanations. The basic activation of Watertown is to have made non-sight based sensory interaction with a target. This is limited to hearing a sound produced by, making contact with, tasting, or noticing the distinct scent of some sort of physical matter. This can affect any number of targets, and retain the effects in a 150 meter range of the user. However, when Fessor has a flesh bud or another piece of his body on a target, the ability can continue operation on the target at any range. Notably, the effects of Watertown can be freely changed at any time as long as the activation condition is retained. Broadcasting senses. Whenever the stand's user broadcasts a sense as a whole, it disables the broadcasted sense over the target's. This makes the target's senses experience the exact same things as the user's senses are. Examples of this would be making them hear what the user is or see what the user is seeing. Contrarily, this goes the other way as well. A target's senses can be broadcasted to other targets or the user as well, creating the same effect. Broadcasting forms. Fessor can broadcast into matter not involved in senses as well. This operates exactly the same as when a sense as a whole is sent through - hearing, seeing, or feeling through that matter, but gets slightly more abstract when it comes to broadcasting aspects found by the senses. For instance, when the user hears a sound, it could be broadcasted to a stone in the area. The sound would then come from the stone until the effect ended. Sight would turn perception of the stone to instead be seen as the image broadcasted, touch would make the stone be the same to touch as whatever Fessor is broadcasting, while taste and scent would do exactly what you think it would. Speech would operate similarly to sound, where the user's speech would appear to be coming from the rock as well.
Examples by senses, not limited to the following
Hearing - Broadcasts a sound heard by the user, which spreads that sound to other targets and makes them hear it as well. - Broadcasts the user's sense of hearing, which makes multiple targets lose their sense of hearing and instead gain that of the user's.
Sight - Broadcasts an image seen by the user, which can be used to make various targets see that image or make something appear as that image. - Broadcasts the user's sense of sight, revoking that of a target's and instead making them see what the user does.
Touch - Broadcasts a physical feeling currently felt by the user - the temperature or texture of something, for instance. - Broadcasts the user's sense of touch, allowing a target to feel everything exactly as the user is rather than what they normally would - or vice versa.
Taste - Broadcasts a taste that the user is experiencing. This can make a target experience that taste or make something taste exactly like it. - Broadcasts the user's sense of taste across varying numbers of targets, causing anything the user tastes to be tasted by targets with a sense of taste instead of what they would taste currently.
Smell - Broadcasts a scent that the user is smelling, making something smell like that or making something else smell it. - Broadcasts the user's sense of smell, influencing other targets to instead smell what the user does rather than they would.
Speech - Broadcasts something that the user is saying to something or someone else, making that the point of where the speech comes from. This overrides the target's speech as well, effectively muting them if the user chooses not to speak. - Broadcasts something that a target is saying, making other targets say the same thing as another.
Sound effects. Fessor's ability developed after some time to allow his body to play various generally old-fashioned sound effects such as a laugh track or a short instrumental riff. This is normally for his radio show to add a little 'pizzazz', but it can be used in convoluted ways to be helpful outside of it as well.
Stats: Destructive Power: E (Watertown's ability does not have any immediate destructive potential, requiring much setup from Fessor in order to be dangerous.) Speed: D (The ability is instantaneous in delivery, while the stand is quite slow as a whole - clocking in at a.) Range: A (Fessor's influence spreads over 150 meters as a base, and can go any range as long as he is using a part of himself to keep a target available.) Stamina: B (Watertown itself isn't very durable - it's primarily composed of glass. Meanwhile, the ability can remain active for very long durations and without much intentional effort from the user.) Precision: A (Watertown's ability can be activated on a highly precise level, down to the very individual bits of something detected by Fessor's senses. The stand itself is physically quite precise as it moves as well. With the point of one of its legs, the stand could accurately tap the tip of a needle without disturbing it at all. This helps it move around to new locations without causing disarray.) Developmental Potential: C (Watertown has been mastered by Fessor, but has a very wide array of options for usage.)
2024.01.11 21:13 SnooPets6966 Being handicapped is hard
Being handicapped is hard
I am crippled for life. Back in November ‘22, at work, a porch that was high off the ground collapsed. I was 21 and immediately became handicapped, I guess crippled isn’t the best word. These things are hard. I can’t run, walking is hard, stairs are hard, I limp all the time, and I’m in need of help moving anything heavy. I’m a big guy, mass wise. 5’10 but I’ve always been the physically strongest in the room. I was unstoppable at sports and anything athletic. And in 10 seconds it all changed. Complete tendon damage, multiple tears, kneecap will constantly be pushed upwards out of place, and my meniscus or fat cap is literally rotting away as I type.
I’m 22 now, almost 23, live alone, and it’s hard. I lost a lot of confidence and “pizzazz” after my fall. My own family repeatedly ask me when I will heal and make a full recovery. I won’t. A year and a half later the results have only gotten worse. Each visit the doctor only has sadder news to bring to me. He can’t do any surgery for a few year at minimum. And tbh he said it will probably only make it worse. So that’s fun.
I need to constantly wear a brace that will force my kneecap back into place so I can walk for than 30 feet without pain, if I need to walk a distance or go to the bar for example. I don’t like being this way. It’s not fair to me but I wouldn’t wish this upon my worst enemy. I get looks all the time. Stance wise I look alright, broad shoulders, kinda funny, not afraid to do anything really. But it’s the limp that gives it away. I’ve heard people talking about my walk and posture sometimes behind my back. My own coworkers love to talk about it. And finding new jobs have been hard because I’m an automatic liability.
I’m not in need of assistance living, I’m too unstable. Jk. It’s just hard to do anything. I’m always trailing behind in the friend group, when I go places I’m always offered assistance or if I need a wheelchair. It’s very obvious when I’m bending down or getting up. You can hear me grunting over the pain, and get up awkwardly. I need to rest frequently as well. The joint is so damaged it’s hard to support my own weight on 2 legs.
My life changed in 10 seconds. And it won’t go back to normal. I will say I did get lucky with just this, I could’ve died. But idk, it’s just hard.
submitted by SnooPets6966 to Vent [link] [comments]
I am crippled for life. Back in November ‘22, at work, a porch that was high off the ground collapsed. I was 21 and immediately became handicapped, I guess crippled isn’t the best word. These things are hard. I can’t run, walking is hard, stairs are hard, I limp all the time, and I’m in need of help moving anything heavy. I’m a big guy, mass wise. 5’10 but I’ve always been the physically strongest in the room. I was unstoppable at sports and anything athletic. And in 10 seconds it all changed. Complete tendon damage, multiple tears, kneecap will constantly be pushed upwards out of place, and my meniscus or fat cap is literally rotting away as I type.
I’m 22 now, almost 23, live alone, and it’s hard. I lost a lot of confidence and “pizzazz” after my fall. My own family repeatedly ask me when I will heal and make a full recovery. I won’t. A year and a half later the results have only gotten worse. Each visit the doctor only has sadder news to bring to me. He can’t do any surgery for a few year at minimum. And tbh he said it will probably only make it worse. So that’s fun.
I need to constantly wear a brace that will force my kneecap back into place so I can walk for than 30 feet without pain, if I need to walk a distance or go to the bar for example. I don’t like being this way. It’s not fair to me but I wouldn’t wish this upon my worst enemy. I get looks all the time. Stance wise I look alright, broad shoulders, kinda funny, not afraid to do anything really. But it’s the limp that gives it away. I’ve heard people talking about my walk and posture sometimes behind my back. My own coworkers love to talk about it. And finding new jobs have been hard because I’m an automatic liability.
I’m not in need of assistance living, I’m too unstable. Jk. It’s just hard to do anything. I’m always trailing behind in the friend group, when I go places I’m always offered assistance or if I need a wheelchair. It’s very obvious when I’m bending down or getting up. You can hear me grunting over the pain, and get up awkwardly. I need to rest frequently as well. The joint is so damaged it’s hard to support my own weight on 2 legs.
My life changed in 10 seconds. And it won’t go back to normal. I will say I did get lucky with just this, I could’ve died. But idk, it’s just hard.
2024.01.11 02:36 aeiouicup Chapters 37, 38, 39, & 40 ( New leadership takes charge of the Management Party during Maggie's season finale )
link to prev. ch's 33-36
Chapter 37 - Innocence Is Drowned
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“I’m dying to see how this one ends.”
- Taylor Swift
"Here we are, now entertain us."
- Kurt Cobain
.
Howie and Jhumpa followed Maggie’s production assistant through a pair of employees-only doors into a nondescript hallway with fluorescent lights and linoleum floors. Evenly spaced blank doors lined the hallway.
“This will be you, Mr. Dork,” the assistant said. “Ms. Barnett, you’re further down.”
“Well, I’ll see you later,” Jhumpa said.
She kissed Howie on the cheek. He smiled. He had so much to look forward to.
“Break a leg,” he said.
It was a small room. An assistant was already there, preparing a small plate of fruit and snacks.
“Oh! Mr. Dork, hello. Sorry, we would have had this ready but they changed your room at the last minute.” She handed Howie a sharpie. “Would you like to sign the wall?” She asked. “You would be the first.”
The venue was so new that there weren’t any photos or signatures from earlier performers. Howie smiled.
“Thanks,” he said.
“I’ll be back in a minute,” she said.
Howie was left alone in the green room. He climbed on a chair and signed the wall above the makeup mirror. He signed his name with a large H and sweeping capital D with a quick curve. He stepped down and beheld it, satisfied. But there was no one to share the moment with.
The assistant came back.
“See?” Howie asked.
“Yeah sure, no that’s great,” the assistant said. “I’m sorry, we’re in a hurry. I’m gonna take you in for last looks. Is that okay?”
He followed her through another hallway and through another pair of metal doors, out onto the runway of the Aircraft Carrier Casino Convention Center. They walked between rolling equipment cases that were parked under tents. Everything was hidden by curtains from the audience sitting on bleachers on the other side. Union crew members took their break now that the only thing left to do was point the camera and hit record. Through gaps in the tents, Howie saw open sky and the stars above.
The assistant led Howie to a row of makeup tables. He looked over at Jhumpa at the edge of the stage, about to go on. He tried to wave goodbye but it was too late. A sound technician approached him and put on a lavalier wireless microphone that would clip to his belt and send his voice to the control room.
The air was filled with some zoom-y, exciting music. An announcer’s voice boomed over a loudspeaker.
“And now, we introduce the spiritual leader of the Management Party: Jhumpa LeGunn!”
The crowd roared. Jhumpa walked out in red lipstick with a matching red pencil skirt and a navy blue jacket. Her hair was up. She smiled and waved. A sweeping camera shot began up high, showing viewers the lights of Las Vegas and the dark desert beyond, before it swept down over the audience and settled in front of her.
She was live.
“Hello, everybody!” She said.
Everyone arranged on the bleachers on the deck of the carrier cheered.
“Thank you so much for being here,” she continued. “Thank you so much for watching.” She downshifted her tone and joined her hands together gravely. “There is so much negativity in America. Far right. Far left. But what if I don’t want to go ‘far’? What if I just want to stand right here, in the center?”
She pointed down to the ground for emphasis.
The audience of Management Party voters cheered.
In the control tower, before a wall of screens, Maggie sat back, confident that Jhumpa could handle the A-block before the first commercial.
Howie finally got some attention from the hair and makeup people before he was summoned to wait next to the stage. They fluffed his hair and tried their best to hide his bruises. He heard Jhumpa’s speech over the chatter of assistants and the noise moving gear. They were shushed by a producer.
And then it was time.
“Alright, Mr. Dork, you’re on in one minute.”
“What do I say?” Howie asked.
The assistant was startled.
“You don’t know what you’re supposed to say?” They touched their microphone. “What is he supposed to say? He’s asking what is he supposed to say.” The assistant paused and nodded and looked off into space. They looked at Howie. “Maggie says don’t worry about it. Just read from the prompter. Everything is taken care of.”
“Ladies and gentlemen!” Jhumpa said. “I feel privileged to present to you a survivor, a visionary, a hero, and my new friend: Howie Dork!”
The assistant shuffled Howie onstage. Jhumpa shook his hand as they passed each other.
“Go get ‘em,” she said.
He got out under the bright lights and felt the beginning of another disorienting psychedelic wave. He could only see the first row of the audience and past them was the distant red eye of the live camera. The rest was just noise and shadows. It hindered his live performance. He spoke in a halting way.
“I, uh-” He tried to read the prompter. “Aw, man,” he said, “everything is kind of squiggling. It’s like I can see the light.”
Howie laughed. His lack of clear direction tried the patience of some of the audience but most of them were well-conditioned enough to assume that any lack of appreciation was their fault.
“I mean, I know we all see light. That’s what light is,” he said. “But I mean, I can see the light. Like, it’s columns. It’s like the air is wet with light. Soaked but dry. The light pours from the lights.”
He chuckled.
“The light pours from the lights. Duh, right?”
He sniffled. He was an emotional rollercoaster. He had been awake for so long.
Frank Rove burst into Maggie’s control room.
“What the hell is going on?” He demanded.
“I’m taking care of it,” Maggie said. “Prepare to cut away,” she told her assistants.
“Wow, without the light,” Howie continued, “this would all be dark.”
He made a broad sweeping gesture toward the lights but when his hand cast a shadow across his face it fascinated him. He drew his hand closer and examined it. He looked up and spoke with a tone of grave realization.
“This would all be dark,” he repeated. “We’re so lucky it’s not dark.”
His eyes teared up a little bit.
Some of the audience were openly annoyed at Howie but most of them still thought they just didn’t get it. They thought Howie was working his way towards a vast, spiritual, profound statement about Management.
From her vantage point on the side of the stage, Jhumpa recognized that Howie was still (according to the slang of the era) ‘tripping face’. But she couldn’t go save him. It wasn’t part of the program. He was out there on his own.
Howie could feel the audience pulling away from him and remembered that he had to get down to business. He leaned on the podium and tried to read the teleprompter like the assistant had told him but it just looked like squiggles. Still, he tried his best.
“What I’ve learned, on this trip - wow, it really is a trip, isn’t it? A journey,” Howie said. “Even the littlest things - each step.” He began walking around the stage, blocking the sponsor’s advertisement on the front of the podium. “Wow - I’ve been awake so long, but somehow I feel more awake than I’ve ever been… but yeah, everyone is just trying to do their thing, you know? Even the Prince - we came over on his plane - when he’s telling people to pay the pump, or suck his toes, or whatever. He’s just doing his thing. He’s hurt, deep down, you know? He had to fight for his father’s attention with 700 brothers. Imagine that!” He sniffled and little and nearly cried. “Sorry buddy,” he said.
Howie had upset a delicate balance in the media between what was known and what was said. The Prince’s blowjobs were like pedophilia in the Catholic Church in the 20th century: widely known, but seldom reported. He had also transgressed by referring to the monarch as ‘buddy’.
“I think that’s it,” Howie continued. “I mean, that’s not a lot of attention, you know? That’s got to hurt. I grew up without my dad, too. And it’s painful.”
Howie’s head jerked as he cried.
“Sorry, I guess I’m not supposed to cry publicly. I guess that’s the problem, right? So much pain. So much pain.”
Karen followed Frank into the control room. In her new role as the interim CEO of the Conglomerate Company, she was very upset.
“I’m getting calls from our advertisers,” she told Maggie. “He’s blocking our ads.”
The Company’s revenue was plummeting as Howie stood in front of the advertisement on the podium. When it wasn’t busy targeting bombs, the world’s most advanced artificial intelligence determined how long ads were presented onscreen at live events. Less time meant less money.
“I’ve got it, we’re getting him off,” Maggie said. “Alright, in 5, 4 -”
Don Midas followed close behind.
“Wait!” He yelled. He had an instinct for opportunity. “Now is the perfect time. Let’s make the Prince happy.”
“You’re not scheduled to go on,” Maggie said.
Frank Rove pointed to Don Midas.
“You,” he said. “Go out there. Salvage this crap. Do it just like we talked about. I’ll tell Erik.”
“But it’s not time yet!” Maggie said.
“This is carnage,” Don Midas said. “This carnage ends right now. Give me a microphone and a camera.”
“We don’t have any of the setup!” Maggie said. “We don’t have a reason.”
“Who needs a reason?” Frank demanded. “This is the execution show! You execute him!”
“Believe it or not,” Maggie said, “Americans aren’t… they need a reason or they won’t be onboard.”
Maggie knew that Americans were self-consciously democratic enough that they still enjoyed the observation of legal rituals, if not in spirit then at least in form. In spite of being broadcast, executions remained formal enough to demand formal reasons.
Frank Rove handed her a data storage stick.
“You want a reason?” He asked. “There’s your reason. Get it ready!”
“Am I wired up?” Don Midas asked. “Good. Testing. Okay. What is this? I mean, what’s this guy a moron or something? Is he on drugs?” Don Midas added slurs that this author cannot repeat and whose tapes are sealed. “And your host is terrible,” he finished. “I’m a great host. I should’ve been the host the whole time.”
“Are you ready?” Frank asked.
In recreational conversations full of hypotheticals, Frank Rove and Don Midas had discussed how the transition to a one party state required a major display of public power to pre-empt dissent. Frank Rove had puzzled over a way to shepherd America through such a transition in a way that would stick. He knew he would need someone with the strength and charisma of Don Midas.
“Testing. Yeah? Okay, I’m going out,” Don Midas said. “This carnage ends now.”
Chapter 38 - Stay Tuned
.
“This American carnage stops right here, right now.”
- President Donald Trump’s inauguration speech, Jan. 2017
“I sell the things you need to be. I’m the smiling face on your T.V. I’m the cult of personality.”
- Corey Glover
.
Onstage, Howie was still babbling about light until he stopped talking and stared at the the floating motes of dust and flying insects captured within its beams. Behind him, a burst of lightening flared on the horizon.
It had been a long two days. He was very tired and very high. His vision wiggled. Odd sounds that didn’t mean much somehow came to dominate his attention. He tried to focus on his message.
As he was about to speak, Don Midas appeared onstage behind him, out of Howie’s sight line. The crowd cheered and Howie wondered if they were telepathically anticipating his words or if he had spoken without realizing it. Don Midas was followed by a contingent of Erik Hathcock’s security forces, all dressed in black.
The crowd cheered. They loved Mr. Midas. He was their hope for the future.
Howie was distracted enough and the cheering was loud enough that he didn’t even notice what was happening when Don Midas walked behind him and tapped him on the shoulder.
“I think that’s enough, Howie,” he said.
Don had an instinct for how to receive attention. Like the Prince, he’d fought hard for it from his remote, wealthy parents. Many of his generation had suffered in the same way. While ancient elites were afflicted with lead poisoning, modern ones were simply neglected. Their parents and grandparents were afflicted with undiagnosed PTSD from two world wars. It led to a thirst for fame. So, Don Midas lived for moments like this when everyone’s attention was on him. It was the feeling that let him forget about all the other ones.
Erik Hathcock’s henchman pulled Howie away from the microphone. Don Midas stepped to the podium.
People cheered.
“Now folks, I know a lot of people like Howie. Maybe not so much right now - he sort of sounds like a hippie - but I recognize a lot of people like him. Some even think he’s a hero. But I’ll tell you something - this man is a criminal!” Don Midas pointed at Howie. “I was shocked, too. And trust me, I would put this guy away right now. But we’re better than that. We respect the rule of law. Innocent until proven guilty. Now, we’ll play you some footage and you can decide. I believe we have a clip in the control room?”
Maggie played the clip that Frank had given her. She had no other choice. She depended on the Management Party for the advertising that funded her channel.
They showed the footage. It was hastily edited video from the school shooting earlier that day. Viewers on the aircraft carrier saw the crowd at the school either fleeing the violence or drawing their guns on each other. But thanks to a digitally inserted arrow that pointed to the graduation stage, one could see Howie taking cover behind Senator Fairmont’s wheelchair.
“There!” Don Midas said. “Hiding behind a helpless old man? That’s terrible. And all so you could take his Senate seat!”
Howie was confused. It wasn’t even his idea to become a senator! He tried to protest but they had silenced his microphone.
“Now this next clip is Howie with a lobbyist. He’s being told, here, to save the country. Listen to what he says.”
The next clip was Howie at the old DC post office with Frank Rove. He had been secretly recorded. The audience heard Howie tell Frank Rove that he wasn’t sure how he would vote.
“Did you hear that?” Don Midas asked. “He’s gone native! He was kidnapped by Elian and then turned into a dirty liberal. He’s the reason for all the chaos, all the prices going up! It’s him! And isn’t it true that on the red carpet just now, you talked about breaking up the Conglomerate Company, one of the Crown Jewels of America, built by your own father?”
The audience booed. Don Midas raised his hands to settle them down.
“Right, right. That was a great video,” Don Midas said. “Let me tell you, I know a little something about production value, and that was production value.” He paused. “But that’s not all. My followers know I love to ask questions and here’s a question: why was Starcatcher there, when Beezle died? I don’t know much latin, but qui bene? Who benefits?” He asked.
The camera turned to Starcatcher, seen through the glass of the VIP box at the top of the tower above the aircraft carrier’s runway. He wasn’t sure why he was on camera. Since he didn’t know what else to do, he smiled and waved.
“But folks,” Don Midas changed tone. “You know we respect democracy. We respect choice. We respect your right to vote. And so we’ve got a choice for you tonight. Because it’s not just Howie who’s been a bad boy! Let’s play the other clip!” Don Midas said.
Maggie played it.
Up in the VIP area, Hathcock’s henchmen positioned themselves around Starcatcher.
Some monitors showed the tech billionaire’s face while others showed the incriminating video. At first, Starcatcher was smiling. He hadn’t really been paying attention. He was just reflexively pleased to see himself on the big screen. He remembered what had happened with Elian the night before and assumed he was about to be congratulated, maybe even become an honorary member of Hathcock’s team. But then he gradually realized the video was supposed to be unflattering.
“Dodging taxes .. exploiting workers ..” Don Midas said. “Starcatcher’s companies have been taking advantage of you people for a long time, and it’s time for him to be punished.”
From the control room, Maggie hoped that the audience would end up choosing Starcatcher. Wouldn’t it make sense that they wanted to kill the first trillionaire? Wouldn’t that be for the best? It was what all those protesters demanded. It was the sacrifice needed so the country could move forward.
But she saw the video that was supposed to indict Starcatcher was totally soft. It began unflattering and stayed unflattering and went no further. It was just publicly available footage of crash tests gone awry, rocket launch failures, and headlines from regional public media about an unsafe workplace. None of it touched on Starcatcher personally. The ending reminded viewers that he wanted to raise prices paid by the Pentagon for the use of his private military equipment. It accused him of being unpatriotic. It was nothing worse than a perfunctory political ad that might play before an election.
And then it showed Starcatcher killing Elian. The footage was captured from the helicopter that had landed on his island.
Far from being appalled, everyone clapped when they saw footage of the leftist Cuban die, bleeding in the snow. They weren’t sure how to feel about Starcatcher’s subsequent sobbing, though. It didn’t fit into a rubric for comprehending righteous killing that was supposed to be ‘sweet’ and ‘badass’. The audience was on the deck of an aircraft carrier for chrissakes! A fake one in the middle of the desert, but still.
“This video is all wrong,” Maggie said. “It’s too soft.”
“Eh, we just wanted to put a scare in him,” Frank Rove said.
Outside, the riots continued. A live video feed in the control room showed the crowd pushing against the gates surrounding the Aircraft Carrier Casino Convention Center.
“Eat the rich!” They yelled. “Kill the trill!”
The rioters were upset at the bureaucratic nightmare their country had become. They were upset that unspent money in their FSA went to their employer. They were upset that the IRS was more likely to audit the EIC than a GST with an offshore LLC. They were upset that a CEO was more likely to avoid the DOJ with a donation to the RNC or the DNC. They were frustrated by a power structure veiled in acronyms. They wanted a personality powerful enough to slice through it.
They were done with fees and fine print and they were ready to kill.
The cops outside were nervous and unsure what to do even though most of their training was in crowd control or firearms (the latter being crucial if the first one didn’t work).
Watching the live video feed, Maggie worried the crowd was about to breach the gates. She was partly worried for security but more worried that the network news might interrupt her broadcast. Maggie had been upstaged by violence just the previous night and she wasn’t going to let it happen again.
She had a stroke of insight.
“Can we connect our feed to the monitors outside?” She asked an assistant. “The ones that advertise for events?”
“I mean, I guess,” a producer said.
“Okay, we’ll broadcast it outside.”
They began to broadcast Don Midas down to the rioters below. They slowed down to look up at the video.
“I’ll give ‘em something to watch,” Frank said. “I talked to your Art Director, added a little pizzazz to the proceedings.”
Onstage, Don kept working the crowd.
“What should we do with these people?” He asked them. “What should their punishment be?”
Two cages shrouded in artificial smoke rose from beneath the runway. They rose on a large platform which on a real aircraft carrier would carry bombs but on this vessel was just a service elevator.
When the outdoor video screens showed the two cages rise up to the carrier deck, the previously riotous crowd became transfixed. Like children, they were pacified by the screen. They didn’t want to miss what would happen next. The execution method, after all, was still a mystery! And why were their two victims?
Hatchock’s people loomed in front of Starcatcher and Howie.
“Ah - perfect,” Don Midas said. “I think we ought to put these men in cages. Hathcock’s security, you guys are around, right? Why don’t you put these men in the cages?”
Hathcock’s men hesitated. They hadn’t rehearsed this. They weren’t sure if they were part of the show. They just knew they were supposed to protect Don.
“Who’s willing to grab them?” Don Midas asked. “You just saw the footage! Police? No? My security? Is my personal security willing to do it? I know half of you want to join my personal security, anyway. They make more money, because I only take the best. Who are the best among you? Who will put these two in cages?”
The security guards faced the nightmare of security forces everywhere: divided loyalty. They weren’t necessarily opposed to following Don Midas, they just weren’t sure if they were supposed to be taking these kinds of orders from him. Howie and Starcatcher were still public heroes, after all.
But their choice was made so much easier when the cheer of the crowd rose from below. For in the end it was finally the public whom they served.
They turned to their boss Erik Hathcock and saw him nod.
Don Midas provided the spark and the cheers of the crowd provided the torque. Each security officer cohered with the group and followed the flow, carried forward by the old primordial permission of seeing others do the same. They had a mob psyche mollified by uniforms. They hummed with the electric anticipation of an orgy of violence.
They grabbed Starcatcher and Howie and placed them in the cages. Two cranes on either side of the stage lowered their hooks. The two prisoners were elevated until they dangled above the stage.
“You see that?” Don Midas asked. “We don’t tolerate extrajudicial killing, especially if you’re going to cry like a little girl afterward. We’re civilized. That’s why you’ll get to vote tonight on who should be executed. You decide! Our producer, Maggie Barnett, has a method prepared for the final offender that everybody will be talking about! So stay tuned!”
Chapter 39 - The Method
.
“Once upon a time there were three very different little girls who grew up to be three very different women with three things in common: they're brilliant, they're beautiful, and they work for me. My name is Charlie.”
- Charles Townsend
‘How women took over the military-industrial complex’
- Politico headline 1/2/19
.
During the commercial break, Warren Goodwealth came down to the control room from the VIP lounge above.
He handed Karen his phone.
“You’re going to want to take this,” he told her. “It’s my brother, Charlie.”
While Warren enjoyed a great public profile, his brother Charlie existed in the shadows. Warren issued regular press releases but Charlie was only known through rumors. The most pervasive rumor was that Charlie ran everything. He was the invisible hand guiding Warren’s empire, and therefore much of the world.
She picked up the phone.
“Charlie?” Karen asked.
She was intimidated. Though she had never met him or seen him, she always knew that he was pulling strings. He was behind every unanswered question.
He dispensed no pleasantries and began immediately.
“You’re still interim CEO?” He asked.
“Yes,” Karen said.
“Do you want it permanently?” He asked.
“Yes,” she said.
“Okay,” Charlie said. “I think now you’d agree that your rivals have been taken out of the way. But now I need you to tell me - are you an insider or an outsider? Outsiders can say whatever they want, but insiders won’t take them seriously. Insiders will be listened to, but they can never criticize other insiders. So which are you?”
“I’m an insider,” she said.
“Great. It’s yours,” he said.
“Thank you,” she said.
“Don’t thank me. Just pick up the phone when I call.”
“Yes Mr. Goodwealth,” she said.
“Good. It’s done. Congratulations.”
He hung up. There was a pivot in the course of events, a brief moment of silence as everyone in the auditorium checked their phones. After the briefest lull, Karen was peppered with questions.
Her dream had come true.
She had ascended.
The emails began rolling in.
“How does it feel to be a woman in charge of the largest company on the planet?”
Frank Rove patted her on the back.
“I’m proud of you,” he said. “You made the right choice.”
But Maggie was still focused on the show.
“Why is camera A pointing at nothing?” She asked.
“Shh, just watch,” Frank Rove said. “I took your idea and ran with it.”
They came back from commercials with camera 1 pointed at an empty patch on the aircraft carrier that was enveloped with cinematic smoke. The flat surface began to move and pulled back to reveal a hole. Up through that hole, on an elevator, through the haze of smoke, a large wooden cross began to rise.
Maggie had to admit that the cross rising up, enveloped in artificial smoke, looked pretty cool. There were even some well-timed lucky lightening flashes in the desert far behind it. The crowd outside was silent and transfixed. Down on the street, even the riot officers meant to maintain order had turned to look up at the screens.
“There’s our execution method!” The Golden Figure said. “Now stay tuned if you want to watch how it works! We really respect our sponsors. They’re the ones providing this for us, providing the jobs, paying for the tv time.”
The crowd roared. He got a partial standing ovation. Even the pacified rioters below were clapping.
It didn’t occur to them to complain about another commercial break. They were used to it.
Chapter 40 - Puddlehead
.
“Now it was the governor’s custom at the festival to release a prisoner chosen by the crowd.”
- Matthew 27:15 KJV
‘The fact that it was the viewers who ultimately chose the “Idol” winner might be one reason the show gained momentum so quickly, while showing no signs of slowing down.’
- Jessica Roberts
.
They were still on commercial. The crowd in the bleachers on the carrier deck murmured among themselves, calling for hot dogs, peanuts, or beer to be delivered down the aisle.
Up in his cage hanging above the carrier deck, Howie reflected. He wasn’t sure what to do next. He held onto the bars and looked out at the neon lights of Las Vegas below the darkening sky and the thunderclouds on the distant horizon. His cage was high enough that he could see through the glass windows of the control tower. He saw that they were all toasting.
Inside the control room, Goodwealth raised his glass.
“Here, before we come back from commercial,” Goodwealth said, “I just want to say a toast that’s been in my family for generations and that I remember especially tonight, now that our future in this country is secure, now that Management is firmly in charge.” He raised his cup. “Life is a temporary endeavor, but good wealth lives forever,” he said.
Some cheered. Some merely nodded. But everybody drank.
While they toasted in the control room and the show was on commercial, Don Midas called up to the men in cages.
“Gentlemen, I want you to know it’s nothing personal. Just ratings. And Maggie tells me the ratings are great!”
“This is bullshit!” Starcatcher yelled.
“I would tone it down,” Don Midas said. “Obviously, you don’t have the friends you think you have. Everyone needs friends, Nikola.”
Nikola protested but Howie was more subdued. He simply looked out over the Las Vegas lights and spoke as if his mind was far away.
“You gotta do what you gotta do,” he said. “Each person following their own self-interest leads to the best of all possible worlds.”
“Exactly,” Don Midas said. “You’re like a philosopher. I’m glad you understand. Thanks, Howie.”
Don got back into position for the return from the commercial break.
They were live.
“Thank you for staying tuned in,” Don Midas told the crowd. “Now - I get pretty upset at the coverage I get. I think we can all agree that the press has been a little unfair to me.” The audience chuckled knowingly. “But the worst thing they do - and it shows the disrespect they have for this sweet, sweet country - they call me a dictator! Or, the nerds - those proud liberal nerds - call me an autocrat! What is that? Like a car?”
The audience booed. They were excited to respond appropriately. After Howie’s rambling ‘speech’ they were relieved not to be confused about their expected reaction. Midas knew that audiences hated - above all - to be confused. Confusion made them feel stupid and people watching tv should never be made to feel stupid. In fact, Don Midas knew that's what television was for.
“But it’s impossible to be a dictator when you love America as much as I do!” He continued. “It’s impossible to be a dictator when you believe in voting and choice. So now it’s your time to choose! Tell me, which one of these criminals should be executed tonight?”
Maggie felt the cold fear in her gut spread throughout her entire body during the brief moment that the audience murmured and discussed their choice. She still did not want it to be Howie.
But her feelings melted away as she saw the ratings.
They might have chosen Starcatcher but since the inflation that afternoon anyone who owned hard assets had become a millionaire. Newly wealthy, their attitudes had changed. Had Howie ever made them any money? No! But Starcatcher’s stock had minted millionaires many times over.
And so when the time came to vote, out of the yelling confusion, slowly they began to chant Howie’s name. They first heard it over the deck of the aircraft carrier, coming from the street below.
‘HOW-EE, HOW-EE,’ the rioters yelled. They knew Howie was the right choice. He would be sacrificed. He was a traitor! He liked Elian!
And the audience in the bleachers on the deck of the aircraft carrier joined the chant that rose up.
‘HOW-EE, HOW-EE,’ they yelled.
The Golden Figure raised his hands for quiet.
“Alright! You’ve made your choice and your choice will be-” he savored the double meaning “-executed. With Howie’s death, we will cleanse America! It will cleanse us. It will purify us.”
Howie was still up in the cage, bewildered. He watched Starcatcher be lowered down and released while he remained uncertainly in the air.
When Starcatcher stepped out, Don Midas held up his hand as if he were a referee at a boxing match.
“You’re saved!” He said. “You’ll go out there and do good now, right? They saved you. You have a second chance, now. You’re going to do right by all these people?”
Starcatcher was relieved.
“Yes, yes. Of course!” He said. “Thank you! I love you!”
He was so elated that he couldn’t even be self-conscious about the stain on his pants. He was guided offstage. Erik Hathcock anticipated no more trouble from him. It was important to tame the nouveau riche. Starcatcher’s technology would be shared. His wealth was another digit on the invisible hand.
And then Howie’s cage was lowered and security carried him to the cross, which had been laid flat on the ground in preparation for his crucifixion.
Maggie thought it would be simple: just two pieces of rather large wood. But it took a hardworking team of dedicated professionals to elevate crucifixion to the cinematic splendor that prime time television demanded.
The wardrobe department fashioned ceremonial robes. The pyrotechnics department safety-checked their torches. An art department coordinator sourced nails that were historically accurate to Roman times, from a world famous Las Vegas pawn shop. After security pulled Howie to the cross and held him down on top of it, they went in: one, two, three.
He was in shock as they raised him vertical but still he was not angry. High on the uppermost wave of PsychedeliContin, he thought to himself that they didn’t know what they were doing. Like a firing squad whose blank bullet enabled each individual executioner to convince themselves that they weren’t the one who fired the killing shot, so the mob mentality at work on Howie ensured that no one person could be held held responsible. And so the crew, like the audience, was guided as if by an invisible hand toward the best of all possible worlds.
Everything was at least perfect.
In his grave state, Howie looked out over the lights and the desert and transcended his own ego. Plato thought the sun had revolved around the earth and Americans thought that the earth revolved around them but Howie saw the same truth that he had seen earlier in the lobby: everything revolved around Goodwealth.
Howie looked up at the control room as they poured more champagne and knew it was all for Goodwealth. It had been for Goodwealth ever since human beings had first gotten out of caves. It had been for Goodwealth when they made war on each other in a contradictory quest for security that would last forever.
Goodwealth lasts forever. The first writing was invented to tally the score, to pass it through time, to record harvests, loans, and new crops sewn.
And Howie realized that his sacrifice was part of the security. He could not begrudge what was happening to him. His role in events was to be the dust mote in the sunbeam, the leaf on the river, the feather on the wind…
His mind was as serene as a puddle; his mind’s eye reflected an empty sky.
“Hey! Hey!” Don Midas yelled. “Millions of people are watching. The least you could do is pay attention. Do you have any last words?”
“What?” Howie asked dumbly. He could hardly speak from the shock and the pain. He barely paid attention.
“Do you have any last words?” Don Midas repeated loudly, grinning to the audience as if Howie was dumb.
Howie hesitated and that was the moment Maggie spoke through Don Midas’s earpiece and told him it was time to cut to commercial. She knew better than to allow her victims to speak extemporaneously.
The serene puddle of Howie’s mind fluttered with a thought. He heaved his breath. He made an effort to speak.
“Well I-” Howie began.
“I’m sorry, I gotta cut you off,” Don Midas said. “We have to take a commercial break. Very vital to sell the commercials. Difficult business: TV. But stay tuned! We wouldn’t be here without our sponsors. We’ll be right back, after these messages.”
They cut to commercial, again.
As Howie awaited his fate, America watched advertisements for drugs, gold, and supplements to make them healthy, wealthy, and wise.
Joel Falwell came to the control room to congratulate Maggie.
“Oh my god!” He said, “I know I shouldn’t swear but that imagery was amazing! Thank you!”
“You’re ok with this?” Maggie was surprised. She was nervous about appropriating their symbol.
“If it was good enough for our savior, it’s good enough for anyone,” he said.
Viewers at home were anxious to see the end of the show but they had been conditioned to expect long commercial breaks at the end of their reality television programs. They got up to go the fridge or the bathroom. They looked at their phones or watched the commercials.
The manner of death was awkward in terms of finality. It drew out the decisive moment. After the allotted time had passed, Howie was still (just barely) alive.
So when they returned, it was only so Don Midas could direct them to the livestream and thank the audience for watching.
His actual death took longer than Maggie expected. But she earned a larger share of the advertising revenue on the livestream compared to the broadcast, so she was still making money. It was a win-win.
When they realized Howie wasn’t going to die right away, the crowd above and below began to uncertainly disperse, like a home team crowd at a losing game. The rioters had been quelled. They had been pacified by the sacrifice made on their behalf. They wanted violence and then they got it, carefully presented within the bounds of the screen.
Howie hung there on the cross for a long time. On the livestream, the remaining viewers eventually saw dawn break over the desert landscape. The storm had passed. In the foreground was Howie’s silhouette on the cross. Below him, shadowy members of the crew began to disassemble the stage and lights. Even though Howie was still just barely alive, Maggie wanted everything put away because after eighteen hours the wage of the unionized crew would go from time-and-a-half to double. The harried crew tried to work around Howie so as not to get in the shot. A production assistant did their best to mop up blood so the producers could avoid paying a cleaning fee to the Aircraft Carrier Casino Convention Center.
Howie’s heartbeat eventually slowed and then stopped and his head hung low. They took down the ‘mission accomplished’ banner above his head.
After it was taken down, for a brief moment, there was only the earth, the sky, and Howie Dork.
[ end ]
2023.12.28 06:29 Madalaski Do (not) be a Game Developer and a YouTuber at the same time
Hey there, long-time reader and first-time writer.
So I’ve recently seen quite a few people on this subreddit considering “gaming” the system by becoming a YouTuber first.
I mean you’re already making the game, right? Just record footage of your development exploits and turn them into entertaining 8-12 minute videos so the views and potential wishlists come flooding in? It’s clearly worked out for the likes of Mark Brown, Miziziziz or Dani and any revenue you might earn from the vids can go straight into the budget for the game!
Well, I’ve been a AAA game developer for 3 years and for a bit longer than that I’ve maintained a (mostly) gamedev focused YouTube channel as a hobby, sitting around 427,000 views. So, I figured I’d share my experience and various findings over the years.
Like I said, having your game find its audience and having them connect with it is a very difficult thing but at least the numbers are on your side! On YouTube, 3,700,000 videos are uploaded every single day. Roughly 15% of those are related to gaming so that makes 555,000 videos a day. Whereas, on itch.io, only 400 games are uploaded every day. On Steam, it’s 34. That’s still a lot of competition but nothing compared to YouTube. And all of those videos are vying for users time and attention.
But “supply meets demand”, I hear you say! YouTube has over 2.7 billion users, Steam has… over 1 billion? Well, only 132 million active monthly users, though a lot of people (me) take long breaks from steam so that’s still a lot of potential players. Itch is around 44 million which is still nothing to sneeze at,
There’s a more important distinction to be made:
And even with all of this, the processing of making a video is only about a week long. The biggest trouble for me as a creative, is fitting that week into my schedule and actually coming up with something unique to talk about.
But if even you put in 10% of the effort I put in, your video will probably be just as entertaining and interesting to watch. Things like devlogs, tutorials and discussions are inherently interesting, I mean that’s why we’re all here on this subreddit right? It’s just…
I turned 25 last month and I decided I wanted to try and dedicate some more time to the channel, see if I could help it grow a bit. I did a challenge where I worked on a game for 25 days, doing 1 hour of game development each day and streaming it on the channel. I didn’t think the streams would attract much attention but they all got ~100 views which is surprising for hour long unedited videos.
I figured the big draw would be a sum up video, detailing the journey, the final product and what I learned. I put even more effort in this video than normal, I added transitions and sound effects and footage of my cat, added those stupid buzzwords that YouTube always recommends (I ended up making a VR Multiplayer version of Shadow of the Colossus) and made sure it was longer than 12 minutes…
…and it bombed.
I’ve tried a bunch of the recommended “tricks”, changed the title and the thumbnail a few times but its no use. The video has earned about 700 views in 24 days, my previous video making 20k in that same amount of time. Either YouTube won’t share it for some reason, or people just aren’t interested…
And that’s fine! I do it for fun and I’m paid to make AAA games, my career’s in a great trajectory and I could quit YouTube at any time and be completely fine. Those 700 people were entertained and lovely people who constantly leave nice comments!
But it inspired me to make this post because if my career had been on the line then this would have been a complete disaster. And from the looks of it, this is the situation that some of you are barrelling towards.
And sure, that's just one story. But go onto YouTube, type “devlog” into the search bar and watch a few of the videos that come up. Especially mine winks. Or hell, try looking at the #devlog collection.
Then take a look at your recommended videos to discover…
Almost all with less than 10,000 views. Most with less than 1,000. If your video is going to make a difference to your marketing, to garner support for your game, you need to be hitting around 100,000-200,000 views. There are outliers, and YouTube is a lot more likely to recommend them but even then, that doesn't guarantee people will return for your next devlog. For all the devlogs you find that have "#1" in the title, have a look at the viewer drop-off for "#2" or "#3".
Devlogs are amazing, it’s great that people want to share their experiences on YouTube, just as much as they want to share it here, but if you’re getting into that because you think you’ll be the next Miziziziz or Mark Brown then please think again. Those guys were early, already established within their communities and, most importantly, very very lucky! Don’t take investment advice from someone who won the lottery! And even with all that, their debut games haven’t exactly had a smooth development process (though, I mean, what game has?).
If you want to increase your chances of getting a job in the industry, then a portfolio is always your best bet! And things like game jams or self-made challenges are great ways to build that!
If you want to market your game, there's a lot of lower effort social marketing you can employ that could still net you a big boost as you go along. Stuff like Twitter, Shorts, TikTok or just regular old Reddit/forum posts. I'm really not a marketing expert, barely a data scientist these days, but if you can get the unique selling point of your game in a short (<10s), easy-to-understand video then that will go a long way on these platforms and is how games like FEZ got lucky.
But if you think you can game the system? Where increasing your development time to market your game on an unbelievably saturated platform might not even shift the odds in your favour?
I’d think again.
Thanks for reading my thoughts! Let me know what you think, I'm happy to debate stuff in the comments.
Here's a cool list I found by u/ByerN of active devlog channels if you're interested in watching them.
And here is a link to my own devlog video, because I'm a shill at the end of the day.
TLDR: Probably not a great idea. Focus on making your games, learning your skills or building your portfolio. More popular people might promote your stuff for you anyway.
EDIT: And if you enjoy doing it, then that's not a problem!
submitted by Madalaski to gamedev [link] [comments]
The Problem
Getting eyes on your game might be one of the single hardest challenges in the solo/indie world. There’s no one method that works every time, and even with a large amount of money stacking the deck, there’s always a chance that there won’t be an audience for your project.So I’ve recently seen quite a few people on this subreddit considering “gaming” the system by becoming a YouTuber first.
I mean you’re already making the game, right? Just record footage of your development exploits and turn them into entertaining 8-12 minute videos so the views and potential wishlists come flooding in? It’s clearly worked out for the likes of Mark Brown, Miziziziz or Dani and any revenue you might earn from the vids can go straight into the budget for the game!
Well, I’ve been a AAA game developer for 3 years and for a bit longer than that I’ve maintained a (mostly) gamedev focused YouTube channel as a hobby, sitting around 427,000 views. So, I figured I’d share my experience and various findings over the years.
Getting a good YouTube video to be a hit is much less likely than getting a good Video Game to be a hit
YouTube’s algorithm is frankly, insane. Just looking at the YouTube recommended videos page shows me 10% new videos from my subscriptions, 30% videos I already watched 4 years ago but YouTube history isn’t stored back that far, 59% videos that share a topic with a video I accidentally clicked on last week and maybe 1 or 2 videos I’d actually like to watch. And if the title interests me and the thumbnail doesn’t look awful, I might click on it. Or I might just rewatch a 4 hour NCG video again.Like I said, having your game find its audience and having them connect with it is a very difficult thing but at least the numbers are on your side! On YouTube, 3,700,000 videos are uploaded every single day. Roughly 15% of those are related to gaming so that makes 555,000 videos a day. Whereas, on itch.io, only 400 games are uploaded every day. On Steam, it’s 34. That’s still a lot of competition but nothing compared to YouTube. And all of those videos are vying for users time and attention.
But “supply meets demand”, I hear you say! YouTube has over 2.7 billion users, Steam has… over 1 billion? Well, only 132 million active monthly users, though a lot of people (me) take long breaks from steam so that’s still a lot of potential players. Itch is around 44 million which is still nothing to sneeze at,
There’s a more important distinction to be made:
A good YouTube video is much easier to make than a good Video Game
I put a lot of effort into my videos. I do it for fun but there’s no point in releasing something that doesn’t fit my standard. I have a background in film editing and acting, a master’s degree in Computer Science and some writer friends to help me vet scripts. I don’t write about anything there is already a video for, I record and use as much footage as I can, I write my subtitles by hand, I paid an artist for my last two thumbnails and I’ve coded a bespoke code animator to give the code written on screen some “pizzazz” and make it easier to read and digest.And even with all of this, the processing of making a video is only about a week long. The biggest trouble for me as a creative, is fitting that week into my schedule and actually coming up with something unique to talk about.
But if even you put in 10% of the effort I put in, your video will probably be just as entertaining and interesting to watch. Things like devlogs, tutorials and discussions are inherently interesting, I mean that’s why we’re all here on this subreddit right? It’s just…
There’s a very good chance that your audience will not be able to find your video
The performance of my videos varies. After 4 years of focusing on the channel, my tutorials usually range in the 20-100k view range. My gaming videos essays are around 2-3k and my film and TV video essays are all <1k (that market is so unbelievably saturated).I turned 25 last month and I decided I wanted to try and dedicate some more time to the channel, see if I could help it grow a bit. I did a challenge where I worked on a game for 25 days, doing 1 hour of game development each day and streaming it on the channel. I didn’t think the streams would attract much attention but they all got ~100 views which is surprising for hour long unedited videos.
I figured the big draw would be a sum up video, detailing the journey, the final product and what I learned. I put even more effort in this video than normal, I added transitions and sound effects and footage of my cat, added those stupid buzzwords that YouTube always recommends (I ended up making a VR Multiplayer version of Shadow of the Colossus) and made sure it was longer than 12 minutes…
…and it bombed.
I’ve tried a bunch of the recommended “tricks”, changed the title and the thumbnail a few times but its no use. The video has earned about 700 views in 24 days, my previous video making 20k in that same amount of time. Either YouTube won’t share it for some reason, or people just aren’t interested…
And that’s fine! I do it for fun and I’m paid to make AAA games, my career’s in a great trajectory and I could quit YouTube at any time and be completely fine. Those 700 people were entertained and lovely people who constantly leave nice comments!
But it inspired me to make this post because if my career had been on the line then this would have been a complete disaster. And from the looks of it, this is the situation that some of you are barrelling towards.
And sure, that's just one story. But go onto YouTube, type “devlog” into the search bar and watch a few of the videos that come up. Especially mine winks. Or hell, try looking at the #devlog collection.
Then take a look at your recommended videos to discover…
A lot of people are already trying this tactic
Dozens and dozens of devlogs from solo developers, people making their dream games, starting from scratch, documenting their process, actively saying their inspired by the big popular indie devlogs that have come out recently.Almost all with less than 10,000 views. Most with less than 1,000. If your video is going to make a difference to your marketing, to garner support for your game, you need to be hitting around 100,000-200,000 views. There are outliers, and YouTube is a lot more likely to recommend them but even then, that doesn't guarantee people will return for your next devlog. For all the devlogs you find that have "#1" in the title, have a look at the viewer drop-off for "#2" or "#3".
Devlogs are amazing, it’s great that people want to share their experiences on YouTube, just as much as they want to share it here, but if you’re getting into that because you think you’ll be the next Miziziziz or Mark Brown then please think again. Those guys were early, already established within their communities and, most importantly, very very lucky! Don’t take investment advice from someone who won the lottery! And even with all that, their debut games haven’t exactly had a smooth development process (though, I mean, what game has?).
Well then, what should I do?
I can’t tell you what to do, especially because I haven’t actually tried this tactic. Anyone telling you they have a surefire answer to these questions probably works for a marketing firm. My channel has very little interaction with my career. It occasionally adds some spice to interviews or morning coffee conversations but my degree, portfolio and uh “rizz” have always been my better assets. If you want to share stuff for the love of sharing it like I do then go off and do that!If you want to increase your chances of getting a job in the industry, then a portfolio is always your best bet! And things like game jams or self-made challenges are great ways to build that!
If you want to market your game, there's a lot of lower effort social marketing you can employ that could still net you a big boost as you go along. Stuff like Twitter, Shorts, TikTok or just regular old Reddit/forum posts. I'm really not a marketing expert, barely a data scientist these days, but if you can get the unique selling point of your game in a short (<10s), easy-to-understand video then that will go a long way on these platforms and is how games like FEZ got lucky.
But if you think you can game the system? Where increasing your development time to market your game on an unbelievably saturated platform might not even shift the odds in your favour?
I’d think again.
Thanks for reading my thoughts! Let me know what you think, I'm happy to debate stuff in the comments.
Here's a cool list I found by u/ByerN of active devlog channels if you're interested in watching them.
And here is a link to my own devlog video, because I'm a shill at the end of the day.
TLDR: Probably not a great idea. Focus on making your games, learning your skills or building your portfolio. More popular people might promote your stuff for you anyway.
EDIT: And if you enjoy doing it, then that's not a problem!
2023.11.20 19:58 ParacosmicVibrations New to this, looking for critical feedback, or creative projects!
Hey there all! I have been helping a friend and mentor of mine branch out and redesign her 12 year old small business. I just recently decided I would help her take on the task of rebuilding her website, she has had other websites with squarespace, go daddy, and a few others throughout the years
SmokeyLotus (Dead-Link, was active for years)
but now uses square.site, SmokeyLotus (Complete overhaul and intuitive redesign)
After a few failed attempts on her part I decided to give it a go. I am tech savvy with multiple design projects under my belt, but I have never done a website before, I felt it was a great way to really tap into my inner creative without stressing to hard, I was hoping to hear any advice, criticism, or hopefully commendations!
Please direct any comments with the understanding that this is after about 14 hours of work, and originally it was nothing but a services board and a product list that was...lacking in modernism. She is very professional and matter of fact with her business and I wanted to help her add a little pizzazz to her already expertly informative content. :)
SmokeyLotus
Thanks everybody in advance!
This is her review after the site has been live over 24 hours.
"8 years ago I shifted from a brick & mortar to the online world. And Had my 1st website built for $5000. They didn’t upload any pictures or items to my commerce store and I didn’t love the experience on a personal level. I paid another $100 to have photos done. Those were great! Since then, I have built 3 websites on my own and paid ANOTHER $5000 to have a new one built. One I was told to handle the SEO work to gain the traffic I desired. It did not. And I had no access to my files, backends, or the empowerment to maintain the site on my own. I have worked with multiple editors and designers, and photographers. All missing the mark on the how to take pics for commerce, completing edits in a timely manner, or capturing the brand on point. Not a single website in 8 years has been built to completion. Brands, pics, content, items, beauty, organization, edits, etc. UNTIL NOW! And these guys did this almost overnight! They completely built a new website for me in one weekend. The edits I gave them as feedback were immediately changed! The photos are gorgeous to say the least. They captured my brand in every color, font, and word! AND ITS COMPLETE! They didn’t stop with any request or edit no matter how big or small until it was 100% done to my satisfaction. All this to say, I have worked with over 8 different photographers, designers, and editors in the last 8 years and they are hands down the best for all the reasons. Not just for brand or photos or one or two aspects, but the whole shebang!!! AND they are THE MOST affordable team I have ever worked with. They made it seem easy. Im truly in shock at what beautiful, informative, complete, on-brand website I have for the 1st time in 8 years of virtual business! Thank you JR Design! 🙏"
Sorry for the long post, but sometimes those reviews deserve to be shared in their entirety.
(Once you go to the website, in the navigation, there is a link to our design services offered)
(I'm sure she would appreciate any sort of criticism for her website as well, not just my design process, just please be friendly and respectful)
submitted by ParacosmicVibrations to smallbusiness [link] [comments]
SmokeyLotus (Dead-Link, was active for years)
but now uses square.site, SmokeyLotus (Complete overhaul and intuitive redesign)
After a few failed attempts on her part I decided to give it a go. I am tech savvy with multiple design projects under my belt, but I have never done a website before, I felt it was a great way to really tap into my inner creative without stressing to hard, I was hoping to hear any advice, criticism, or hopefully commendations!
Please direct any comments with the understanding that this is after about 14 hours of work, and originally it was nothing but a services board and a product list that was...lacking in modernism. She is very professional and matter of fact with her business and I wanted to help her add a little pizzazz to her already expertly informative content. :)
SmokeyLotus
Thanks everybody in advance!
This is her review after the site has been live over 24 hours.
"8 years ago I shifted from a brick & mortar to the online world. And Had my 1st website built for $5000. They didn’t upload any pictures or items to my commerce store and I didn’t love the experience on a personal level. I paid another $100 to have photos done. Those were great! Since then, I have built 3 websites on my own and paid ANOTHER $5000 to have a new one built. One I was told to handle the SEO work to gain the traffic I desired. It did not. And I had no access to my files, backends, or the empowerment to maintain the site on my own. I have worked with multiple editors and designers, and photographers. All missing the mark on the how to take pics for commerce, completing edits in a timely manner, or capturing the brand on point. Not a single website in 8 years has been built to completion. Brands, pics, content, items, beauty, organization, edits, etc. UNTIL NOW! And these guys did this almost overnight! They completely built a new website for me in one weekend. The edits I gave them as feedback were immediately changed! The photos are gorgeous to say the least. They captured my brand in every color, font, and word! AND ITS COMPLETE! They didn’t stop with any request or edit no matter how big or small until it was 100% done to my satisfaction. All this to say, I have worked with over 8 different photographers, designers, and editors in the last 8 years and they are hands down the best for all the reasons. Not just for brand or photos or one or two aspects, but the whole shebang!!! AND they are THE MOST affordable team I have ever worked with. They made it seem easy. Im truly in shock at what beautiful, informative, complete, on-brand website I have for the 1st time in 8 years of virtual business! Thank you JR Design! 🙏"
Sorry for the long post, but sometimes those reviews deserve to be shared in their entirety.
(Once you go to the website, in the navigation, there is a link to our design services offered)
(I'm sure she would appreciate any sort of criticism for her website as well, not just my design process, just please be friendly and respectful)
2023.11.12 05:34 DabuSurvivor I just saw Beetlejuice in Chicago! I haven't seen the movie and had basically never seen a musical or play before. Here are my THOUGHTS
I say "basically" because like when I was a literal child in elementary school there were school plays and stuff like that, and I think once we saw a play on a field trip in like middle school, but I'm not counting those, not to invalidate them but I do not particularly remember them and didn't like go to them particularly of my own volition or anything. Also when I was like 12 or 13 or something my cousin was in a musical and so I saw that but again I don't really remember it. So I have been to SOME but like I don't particularly remember them.
Other little qualifiers: the concept of a live performance LIKE this is not unfamiliar to me as I do go to very very very many rock concerts -- and I did see Springsteen on Broadway twice but that as a quieter one-man show is obviously a very, very different thing from, like, this.
So if you don't want to count that as having basically never seen one that is ok but I do. My Beetlejuice ignorance comes with far fewer qualifiers: I didn't know going into this if the dude was a ghost or zombie or what the deal was, I didn't even realize til today it was a Tim Burton thing even though I really love his vibes generally, all I knew was Beetlejuice wore black and white. But my older siblings LOVED the Beetlejuice movie when they were kids, and so my older brother got the family tickets to see Beetlejuice as a family Christmas present, and here we are.
It seems like a lot of people who are into it and are posting about it online are either big Broadway fans obviously duh AND/OR are big fans of Beetlejuice who checked this out for that reason to see how it would hold up to the movie. I am in the comparatively unique position of not being either of those things!, and instead being someone who just kind of ended up there.
THOUGHTS:
Mostly that it was fun! I mean I clearly enjoyed it enough that I want to come on here and post about it and that on the train ride home I was reading some threads on here about it, some reviews of it, etc etc so I certainly must have enjoyed it, right? I want to go back and see it again. I would go back and see it again! I might try to next year, in another city.
I liked all the lighting and color and stage sets and stuff. Again I somehow didn't even realize the movie was a Tim Burton creation but even the sets, though the play isn't his doing, but the sets like felt that kind of Tim Burton-y, Halloween-ish, Hot Topic sort of energy that I dig a lot like Nightmare Before Christmas or Charlie and the Chocolate Factory kind of vibes right like just the dimensions of the house were a little bit twisted/jarring or like the weird twisting squares in the background of the Neitherworld -- like if I still didn't know Tim Burton had any involvement with the movie, my vibes would be, "this feels Tim Burton-y." Which is a compliment. The proximity of my city's showing of it to Halloween works out pretty nicely because it really just kind of had those spooky-but-not-really-spooky, fun, purple and green, high-contrast, twisted (by which I mean like physically twisted like just weird uncommon shapes, geometrically) kind of vibes you might associate with Halloween right? It's cool that it happened around Halloween because it had those vibes of like "Ah okay this is something they'd sell merch of at a Hot Topic" and I like those vibes like I'm a big MCR fan you're speaking my language with this kind of aesthetic, I like it.
Was cool as like a multisensory experience right like on some parts where there were BIG LOUD PERCUSSIVE NOISES or like the vibes of LIGHTNING crashing or something DANGEROUS happening or whatever like you've got the use of flashing lights but also darkness together, the use of sound, and the way the sound kinda reverberates through like it vibrates and becomes this whole big THING so that was pretty cool. And the lights and colors and everything were pretty intrinsically, too, cool colors.
It was VERY impressive to me how managed to get these like big giant sets looking totally different in such a short time! Like the curtain closes then opens not TOO much longer and then BAM it's a whole new set. Apparently according to my brother or a friend or something the way they do that is just that a bunch of them are on wheels and they slide them out but I mean still sliding such a giant structure as that on wheels without it tipping over idk that's cool and impressive. The first time they changed sets I was like oh wow!, they sure did that quickly.
It was funny! The guy who played Beetlejuice umm let me go find my Playbill to give credit where credit is due. Justin Collette! okay. Yeah he was great, he was SO energetic, he really sold the lines, just super super magnetic and electric like that dude on his own absolutely had the energy and the power and the charisma and the comedy and the expressiveness to sell every single line as well as possible and make it feel like absolutely ALL the energy in this whole big theater is centered around him while he's running around doing his thing. Just a totally BIG larger-than-life performance-- it was great. He did a great job. Someone should tell him. He probably knows. And very impressive, too, like I can't imagine his voice actually sounds like that -- okay I just looked up an interview, and it doesn't -- and gosh I can't imagine making my voice sound that gravelly for THAT long while being THAT loud projecting my voice to a whole theater of people like that alone would completely obliterate my throat in like five minutes but then on top of that doing all the big singing and like nailing the comedic timing of things and delivering them in the right way? Good for him. And good for everyone! They were all so good. It just comes to mind in particular with HIM because like god my throat would be so wrecked after that lol he had to put on that whole scratchy voice for like two hours and good for him that he did it.
More about other cast members but yeah so like I said it was funny. It was definitely quite crass which often might not be my thing even but I'd say here it really generally landed!, with the "generally" mostly being that watching some of those jokes in the same row as your 60-something-year-old mother is uh ambivalent lol but I just figured out pretty quickly not think about that aspect lol. On the flip side that might have made the irreverence of that crassness pop harder idek. But I think what makes it work -- when, like, if you wrote out "Beetlejuice is going to snort a bunch of coke off his arm like two minutes into the play" I might be like "Wow that sounds like it's not my thing" -- is first and foremost that it was just genuinely funny and well-written, like I feel like the crass jokes weren't RELYING on that crassness, weren't relying on like shock comedy, to work and be funny. It's not that it was just funny BECAUSE it was crass -- at least not overall, maybe one or two jokes didn't work for me like I can think of one that didn't (even then it might just be because of the whole being-with-family thing), but the overwhelming majority did! -- but rather like it was jokes that worked in context with the pacing of the scene or that disrupted tension at the right time etc etc and there happened to BE a crassness to that but that wasn't, like, The Point of the jokes in and of itself generally, if that makes sense?
And inasmuch as it WAS the point I think even that works because like -- I mean I'm not familiar with the source material, so, grain of salt (or grain of coke if you're Mr. Juice, whatever works for you) -- but going into it my mom said "I was looking it up and I know it's really different than the movie" so I had that knowledge going in, without knowing how or anything, and then they literally come out of the gates and tell you that. Like they literally open by talking about what a departure it is from the source material -- and I think that's a great move, in general really because it gives you free reign to just kind of do whatever you want after that (I mean within reason lol) because you've already literally opened on acknowledging and owning "Okay, yeah, if you're here for a faithful adaptation you should kill those hopes right now" and that makes it so that all the parts that are a lot crasser than I imagine the original movie really was able to be kind of, like, tie in with that meta acknowledgment of the deviation from the source material by feeling all the more irreverent about it, if that makes sense? Like if you open on "Hey this is a totally different thing from the movie" then there's an extra contextual reason why it's funny for some absolutely wildly lurid line to come out of nowhere, because there's this spoken agreement with the audience and understanding of "Yeah we're deviating hard from the movie" and so it makes it funnier when you, like, do that in the most outlandish way possible at points, if that makes sense. And the thing I'm seeing in a number of comments is kind of what I already thought: that while the SPECIFICS are very different from the original movie, those differences are such that the VIBE and intentions of the original movie are still captured very well. Which makes sense.
So yeah I think a lot of the crass jokes weren't there just TO be crass and even when they were that's just part of the overall tapestry of kind of giving a loving, respectful middle finger to the idea of keeping the source material as-is and so that works too.
Another thing that really worked well about it comedically was the breaking of the fourth wall. Loved that. I'm a big big sucker for self-referential meta jokes that kind of thing works really well on me, I think maybe it could work especially well in this setting where it's literally an actual human being talking to you vs. a TV show or movie (but even there I tend to like it; BoJack Horseman is sooo good for this sort of thing) and there was a really good amount of those here like having Beetlejuice acknowledge the source material, when he fires back at Adam for interrupting his soliloquy, and then there are others that LEANED on the fourth wall but didn't QUITE break it like Lydia's dad being like "Emily told me this would happen... I mean, not THIS, nobody would have predicted all THIS, but..." and saying what an absolutely bizarre day it was, etc., moments that don't quiiiite break the fourth wall but that work due to the moments where the fourth wall WAS broken, and that certainly lean on it very hard.
I think those fourth wall breaks also kind of add to the hype and excitement at points maybe, like namely the moment where Beetlejuice is actually summoned right before the intermission kind of has this big, exciting, climactic "the moment you've been waiting for....!!!" feeling to it and that just HITS harder climactically when you've like literally engaged directly with the audience and brought them in on the experience, if that makes sense? So that worked, too.
There also were a handful of political jokes and/or very distinctly modern, this-is-from-the-last-few-years jokes (some of which also felt kinda 4th wall-ish) and I think those worked, too, again for some of the above reasons where like, the deviation from the source material is highlighted even further by making a joke that literally couldn't have worked in 1988. It kind of reinforces the idea that, "Hey, this is its own thing. We're taking the original idea of Beetlejuice and we're keeping its vibes continuous but we're also going to mold it hard to be something that you could ONLY make now." I feel like that's a lot of the artistic vision behind this whole thing -- more on that in a bit -- and like that's kind of underpinned by having some of these jokes that give away the time when this was made. And by and large I think these jokes, again, were intrinsically funny and landed and so they didn't feel like pandering or trying to just, like, hook the audience on referencing some funny cultural phrase or trend or something. And even when they did the 4th wall aspect of that still makes it work-- like there was a joke about the electoral college and maybe that's low-hanging fruit but also it still worked in context and I think that the idea of a Beetlejuice musical suddenly having an electoral college joke is, itself, the joke? Or part of the joke, anyway. Like, some of the comedy just comes from the fact that that joke is in there at all and it kind of breaks immersion but in a good way.
Favorite jokes for me out of the whole thing would have to be:
The overall tone of the whole thing was also wacky enough that it made me more willing to move past and forgive any moments that didn't land as much, too. It was hitting it out of the park often enough, and was doing so in innately irreverent enough ways, that I can cut it some slack if a joke doesn't land as well for me personally. Like, it earns it.
Something else I dug comedically and meant to add here was the running jokes throughout it, most of which were spaced out really well and didn't come up again until like 30+ minutes after their first inception and all of which were jokes that already worked the first time and didn't feel out of place -- so when they suddenly came up again later it was surprising and fun in the ways it was meant to be etc etc.
Now comedy aside: I mentioned how I feel like some of the artistic vision of this was to kind of take the core concept of Beetlejuice and a lot of authentic love for it, but then re-imagine it for a different setting and a modern audience. And some of where I've appreciated that comes from looking into the differences between this and the movie (again, none of which I knew going in) -- namely:
1) Beetlejuice wanting to marry this underage girl is still kept in, but they completely, directly lampshade how massively problematic a concept that is, basically dedicating an entire song to that fact specifically and just leaning into "Okay yeah this guy is creepy and off-putting and weird." I feel like this is kind of a good way of, like, being true to the original product while also evolving it not only for modern sensibilities but also for the (now-)basic morality principles that underpin those sensibilities: if you remake Beetlejuice but remove the part where he's trying to marry Lydia, then you're fundamentally changing a LOT of the plot and I don't think that's necessarily bad, I think that there could be good and effective ways to do that for sure, but there are surely at least as many INeffective ways to do it and also, no matter how you do it, inevitably if you remove or change such a major plot element as that then probably a lot of the fan response and critical response will be focused on that ONE change and it'll override the other >2 hours of art you've created and instead become a whole thing for people to angrily tweet about for three days. Again: totally worth doing, in some cases!
But in this case, there also is the approach of -- "Hey, look, let's leave that in there but let's REALLY unambiguously say that it's not okay. Then we're still maintaining this degree of continuity with the original source material and we're keeping the character dynamics at least kind of recognizable, yet we're also not being irresponsible in taking this problematic aspect of the original story for granted and putting out a harmful cultural narrative that normalizes an unhealthy relationship, and nobody watching it can really plausibly argue that we're doing so." And like, managing to do that without just coming off like an Enlightened Centrist wanting to please everyone is hard to do! But I think they did it well here: just keep the same narrative element but then riff on how inappropriate it is -- which also doesn't REALLY come off too, like, on-the-nose, because the fourth wall has already been very shaky here, which kind of gains you the ability to do that.
2) In line with this: apparently Lydia's role is just way, WAY bigger and more emotional here in general than in the movie -- which stunned me to learn, lol. I wouldn't just say Lydia was the heart of this show, I would say with certainty that literally any emotional resonance or seriousness it had whatsoever came entirely from her haha like that almost goes without saying. So hearing about some of the things I took for granted here that were in fact new to the musical -- the entire arc about her grief for her mom and her pushing through it, her being the one to summon Betelgeuse (I guess I should have been spelling his name that way the whole time but I am NOT editing now lol) for her own bidding, and her doing it only after kind of toying with him and faking him out a bit to make him the less powerful one within her dynamic, at least temporarily, in the "Say My Name" song -- all of that played really authentically to where I didn't even question it and was apparently like all new, and I think that, in line with point 1, this makes the whole Betelgeuse-trying-to-marry-her dynamic easier to stomach, because they elevated Lydia clearly really far above and beyond a plot device and instead did a lot to empower her as a character -- but in ways that didn't feel pandering at all. Like they didn't make a huge show out of the FACT that Lydia was now this Strong, Empowered Woman!; they just kind of created the character as such and allowed her to exist, and it clearly worked really organically and naturally since I didn't even consider that it was what I now assume it was, which was (in part) an attempt at just keeping the show up-to-date with the kinds of narratives and gender dynamics audiences will (rightfully) prefer and be more comfortable watching now. So I think it's well-done and impressive, and honestly maybe the best thing about the show upon reflection, how they created this seemingly more emotionally nuanced and personally empowered version of Lydia but without beating you over the head with the fact that that's what they were doing.
3) Betelgeuse being made queer is a decent twist. One moment that I did feel a little "eh" on was when him dipping and kissing Barbara and Adam without their consent was played for laughs BUT in watching, like, 30 seconds of the original movie (I was just curious about what his voice sounded like) right away I saw that he does that like immediately upon being summoned and then starts pining for Barbara to Adam, and I can definitely imagine that flying more readily in 1988 than it did now -- and maybe to big Beetlejuice fans, I don't know, but maybe that moment of him dipping and kissing Barbara is like an iconic image of the movie they'd want kept in idk. If so I think there is an argument that having him treat Adam that way as much as or more than he treats Barbara that way might make it easier to stomach for a lot of viewers than if those scenes were kept intact. I do think there is an equally good counterargument that -- like, we should not be violating and harassing anyone, in general, so there is an equally good counterargument for sure that having him just do it to the man way more than he does to the woman isn't a great fix and that that shouldn't be played for laughs in general. I might even fall more on the latter side, tbh. BUT at the same time I at least see how there's an attempt to make his harassment less patriarchal and so I get and appreciate that and again his actions aren't really being like endorsed throughout the show by any means (there is literally a song about how fun it is to traumatize people who come to the front door) so. I can imagine varying takes on this that are all valid tho~
So moving back towards praising the cast tho:
Isabella Esler as Lydia obviously deserves MASSIVE praise here. Her voice was INCREDIBLE oh my goodness. Good for her. Wow. Just did an absolutely great job, I was blown away on just how great she sounded on some of the bigger, more emotional notes, my goodness, great voice. Everyone else also did a very good job, though, shoutouts Megan McGinnis as Barbara, Will Burton as Adam, Jesse Sharp as Charles, Kate Marilley as Delia, all of them had fun energies about them that fit the vibes of their characters. Jesse Sharp worked really well for the character I think, had the right vibe, all of their voices were impressive, and I also really want to highlight like the absolute control over their body that a lot of them had -- this especially stood out for Kate Marilley I think. Just the way in which she moved around the stage at points and did some of the like weird and fun and colorful little movements her character does, just flitting about the stage at different points or accosting Lydia or all that sort of thing -- Kate Marilley was very, like... floaty. Like water. It was dope. She did great. I would honestly say that just the way in which she moved about the stage stood out more than most other parts of the entire show and more than most other performances on their own, she just had a really great command of the way her character's body was meant to be moving that added a LOT of color and personality to the character. Really, really great job. It was very impressive. She did great, she was so fun, she was one of my favorites.
I would shout out the others on the control over their body, too, though -- like the part where Barbara and Adam briefly become possessed they did a great job making their bodies appear to go all stiff and like they lost control of them for a moment -- that's great stuff! Really really impressive for an actual human being to on a dime just completely change the way the physical structure of their body appears like that, that's very cool, in a way that's maybe a little subtler than a vocal performance or something but no less important or impressive I think.
And yeah I highlighted this for Collette but it's equally true for all of them: idk having absolutely all the lines memorized, projecting them all out to this whole crowd of people, but not just that but also being a compelling and strong singer and vocalist in the moment, not getting freaked out by the pressure of only having one chance to make this audience get a scene with absolutely all their focus on you at points, like what if you have to sneeze??? That's what I always wonder with this sort of thing is what if they have to sneeze. But none of them seemed concerned about that. Good for them. And then ALSO making the comedic timing of the jokes land but ALSO being believable -- like there's just a lot of different prongs of talent here. They really gotta be firing on all cylinders. Very very multitalented, what's asked of these people. And they delivered for sure. Good for them, my goodness, they're all good at their jobs, I hope they enjoy them. There's just so many things going into these performances. And here I am being like, but what if I had to sneeze?? And Kate Marilley is out here just floating around the place rolling around being funny. Good job. Good for her. Good for all of them.
I really loved when there was like a whole ensemble cast doing all this choreographed stuff, too. Those were some of my very favorite parts -- when there were all the other Betelgeuses (...Betelgi?) together dancing at once and everything and just like this big, larger, collective, fluid entity being formed of all these individual people -- and the choreography of the like skeletons at one part, like you had people doing backflips and stuff! That's wild! -- and all of them in time with each other, just, great stuff. Good for them. There were a few moments in those sorts of numbers that were like, "Wow! Okay! I'm watching a musical. It sure does feel like that's what's happening. Yup. That's what this feels like." When you had the whole big collective crowd of performers doing all this stuff all at once. I liked those parts a lot.
Some other various parts that I liked a lot in particular:
Looking at some of the criticism I see some of it is based around like pacing and certain things maybe being a bit rushed and I can sort of see that. I did think during the second act -- even without the frame of reference of the source material that people making these criticisms seem to mostly have -- "oh Lydia and Betelgeuse are straight-up friends now and she's delighting in torturing people?" and that feels, if I were to take it seriously, like a kind of psychological descent that warrants more time than it was given. I did feel that a LITTLE bit and can see that.
But I also didn't and don't care LOL like I'm sorry but it took less than 5 minutes for this to very unambiguously establish that I wasn't meant to take it too seriously haha so once that song about the show-about-death kicked in I was like okay okay we're here for fun and we're here for pizzazz and we're here for good vibes. We're here for, like, a SHOW you know? I wasn't here for deep emotional resonance or meticulous character arcs. And like trust me I LOVE that shit in a lot of my favorite media. Better Call Saul? Let's go. Neon Genesis Evangelion? My fav. Survivor: Vanuatu? Omg yes please. BoJack Horseman? March on. But like--- that's not what this was about lol. So inasmuch as it DID manage to tap into some genuine insights on serious themes like mortality and grief and processing loss -- which it did, at times! -- like, nice! cool! great! that's a nice bonus. But I'm okay with the character relationships underpinning that maybe being a bit rushed or whatever because, like, I was not here expecting nuanced character intricacies, at all. lol. I was expecting (once I got accustomed to what was going on, a few minutes in) FUN and VIBES and COLOR
And it delivered that in spades. For sure. That's what this was about and that's what this was for. It was BIG and it was GRAND and EXPLOSIVE and FUNNY and COLORFUL and EXCITING and MEMORABLE and it was a SHOW. It was THEATRICAL! Not gonna get mad at a comedy for not having the best dramatic pacing or whatever lol. That it managed to have any at all with how off-the-wall and frantic its jokes often were is impressive in itself, tbh! But yeah I wasn't here on business I was only here for FUN and it provided that for sure.
A lot of the favorable comments I see are that this seems to be getting lots of people into musicals who otherwise wouldn't be. We will see if that holds for me! But it certainly could because at any rate I really, really liked this one. It was great, it was fun, I wanna go again, it was a good time. Absolutely can see how this would be a very, very valuable point of entry for people who have absolutely zero experience with this sort of thing because it is just seriously exciting and fun to watch, it sucks you in instantly, yet is genuinely well-written enough, well-performed enough, theatrical enough to justify that pacing and crassness, too.
Like I mean if you aren't completely on the edge of your seat within 5 minutes then man idk I mean that's valid different people like different things but I think, take someone who's never seen a musical before, sit them down for the first five minutes of this, they're gonna wanna see what the fuck's happening next and where this is going haha. So yeah I think the comments about this being a good entry point seem, from my limited vantage point, to be pretty spot-on. This is really really colorful and fun and does a lot of very immediately and obviously appealing things with the unique strengths of this particular medium as opposed to others.
If I am making a single criticism -- there was one ableist joke I thought was unfortunate, where one character joked about being dumb because of a head injury. I would strike that one and again it's especially unfortunate when there was a clear attempt to do something more progressive here in other ways. Everything else can p much stay tho, this was good. And again I think there's probs valid arguments that Betelgeuse's harassment could be toned down, or valid arguments that it's fine because we're dealing with a character who literally tortures people and there's an entire song about him being a creep.
submitted by DabuSurvivor to Broadway [link] [comments]
Other little qualifiers: the concept of a live performance LIKE this is not unfamiliar to me as I do go to very very very many rock concerts -- and I did see Springsteen on Broadway twice but that as a quieter one-man show is obviously a very, very different thing from, like, this.
So if you don't want to count that as having basically never seen one that is ok but I do. My Beetlejuice ignorance comes with far fewer qualifiers: I didn't know going into this if the dude was a ghost or zombie or what the deal was, I didn't even realize til today it was a Tim Burton thing even though I really love his vibes generally, all I knew was Beetlejuice wore black and white. But my older siblings LOVED the Beetlejuice movie when they were kids, and so my older brother got the family tickets to see Beetlejuice as a family Christmas present, and here we are.
It seems like a lot of people who are into it and are posting about it online are either big Broadway fans obviously duh AND/OR are big fans of Beetlejuice who checked this out for that reason to see how it would hold up to the movie. I am in the comparatively unique position of not being either of those things!, and instead being someone who just kind of ended up there.
THOUGHTS:
Mostly that it was fun! I mean I clearly enjoyed it enough that I want to come on here and post about it and that on the train ride home I was reading some threads on here about it, some reviews of it, etc etc so I certainly must have enjoyed it, right? I want to go back and see it again. I would go back and see it again! I might try to next year, in another city.
I liked all the lighting and color and stage sets and stuff. Again I somehow didn't even realize the movie was a Tim Burton creation but even the sets, though the play isn't his doing, but the sets like felt that kind of Tim Burton-y, Halloween-ish, Hot Topic sort of energy that I dig a lot like Nightmare Before Christmas or Charlie and the Chocolate Factory kind of vibes right like just the dimensions of the house were a little bit twisted/jarring or like the weird twisting squares in the background of the Neitherworld -- like if I still didn't know Tim Burton had any involvement with the movie, my vibes would be, "this feels Tim Burton-y." Which is a compliment. The proximity of my city's showing of it to Halloween works out pretty nicely because it really just kind of had those spooky-but-not-really-spooky, fun, purple and green, high-contrast, twisted (by which I mean like physically twisted like just weird uncommon shapes, geometrically) kind of vibes you might associate with Halloween right? It's cool that it happened around Halloween because it had those vibes of like "Ah okay this is something they'd sell merch of at a Hot Topic" and I like those vibes like I'm a big MCR fan you're speaking my language with this kind of aesthetic, I like it.
Was cool as like a multisensory experience right like on some parts where there were BIG LOUD PERCUSSIVE NOISES or like the vibes of LIGHTNING crashing or something DANGEROUS happening or whatever like you've got the use of flashing lights but also darkness together, the use of sound, and the way the sound kinda reverberates through like it vibrates and becomes this whole big THING so that was pretty cool. And the lights and colors and everything were pretty intrinsically, too, cool colors.
It was VERY impressive to me how managed to get these like big giant sets looking totally different in such a short time! Like the curtain closes then opens not TOO much longer and then BAM it's a whole new set. Apparently according to my brother or a friend or something the way they do that is just that a bunch of them are on wheels and they slide them out but I mean still sliding such a giant structure as that on wheels without it tipping over idk that's cool and impressive. The first time they changed sets I was like oh wow!, they sure did that quickly.
It was funny! The guy who played Beetlejuice umm let me go find my Playbill to give credit where credit is due. Justin Collette! okay. Yeah he was great, he was SO energetic, he really sold the lines, just super super magnetic and electric like that dude on his own absolutely had the energy and the power and the charisma and the comedy and the expressiveness to sell every single line as well as possible and make it feel like absolutely ALL the energy in this whole big theater is centered around him while he's running around doing his thing. Just a totally BIG larger-than-life performance-- it was great. He did a great job. Someone should tell him. He probably knows. And very impressive, too, like I can't imagine his voice actually sounds like that -- okay I just looked up an interview, and it doesn't -- and gosh I can't imagine making my voice sound that gravelly for THAT long while being THAT loud projecting my voice to a whole theater of people like that alone would completely obliterate my throat in like five minutes but then on top of that doing all the big singing and like nailing the comedic timing of things and delivering them in the right way? Good for him. And good for everyone! They were all so good. It just comes to mind in particular with HIM because like god my throat would be so wrecked after that lol he had to put on that whole scratchy voice for like two hours and good for him that he did it.
More about other cast members but yeah so like I said it was funny. It was definitely quite crass which often might not be my thing even but I'd say here it really generally landed!, with the "generally" mostly being that watching some of those jokes in the same row as your 60-something-year-old mother is uh ambivalent lol but I just figured out pretty quickly not think about that aspect lol. On the flip side that might have made the irreverence of that crassness pop harder idek. But I think what makes it work -- when, like, if you wrote out "Beetlejuice is going to snort a bunch of coke off his arm like two minutes into the play" I might be like "Wow that sounds like it's not my thing" -- is first and foremost that it was just genuinely funny and well-written, like I feel like the crass jokes weren't RELYING on that crassness, weren't relying on like shock comedy, to work and be funny. It's not that it was just funny BECAUSE it was crass -- at least not overall, maybe one or two jokes didn't work for me like I can think of one that didn't (even then it might just be because of the whole being-with-family thing), but the overwhelming majority did! -- but rather like it was jokes that worked in context with the pacing of the scene or that disrupted tension at the right time etc etc and there happened to BE a crassness to that but that wasn't, like, The Point of the jokes in and of itself generally, if that makes sense?
And inasmuch as it WAS the point I think even that works because like -- I mean I'm not familiar with the source material, so, grain of salt (or grain of coke if you're Mr. Juice, whatever works for you) -- but going into it my mom said "I was looking it up and I know it's really different than the movie" so I had that knowledge going in, without knowing how or anything, and then they literally come out of the gates and tell you that. Like they literally open by talking about what a departure it is from the source material -- and I think that's a great move, in general really because it gives you free reign to just kind of do whatever you want after that (I mean within reason lol) because you've already literally opened on acknowledging and owning "Okay, yeah, if you're here for a faithful adaptation you should kill those hopes right now" and that makes it so that all the parts that are a lot crasser than I imagine the original movie really was able to be kind of, like, tie in with that meta acknowledgment of the deviation from the source material by feeling all the more irreverent about it, if that makes sense? Like if you open on "Hey this is a totally different thing from the movie" then there's an extra contextual reason why it's funny for some absolutely wildly lurid line to come out of nowhere, because there's this spoken agreement with the audience and understanding of "Yeah we're deviating hard from the movie" and so it makes it funnier when you, like, do that in the most outlandish way possible at points, if that makes sense. And the thing I'm seeing in a number of comments is kind of what I already thought: that while the SPECIFICS are very different from the original movie, those differences are such that the VIBE and intentions of the original movie are still captured very well. Which makes sense.
So yeah I think a lot of the crass jokes weren't there just TO be crass and even when they were that's just part of the overall tapestry of kind of giving a loving, respectful middle finger to the idea of keeping the source material as-is and so that works too.
Another thing that really worked well about it comedically was the breaking of the fourth wall. Loved that. I'm a big big sucker for self-referential meta jokes that kind of thing works really well on me, I think maybe it could work especially well in this setting where it's literally an actual human being talking to you vs. a TV show or movie (but even there I tend to like it; BoJack Horseman is sooo good for this sort of thing) and there was a really good amount of those here like having Beetlejuice acknowledge the source material, when he fires back at Adam for interrupting his soliloquy, and then there are others that LEANED on the fourth wall but didn't QUITE break it like Lydia's dad being like "Emily told me this would happen... I mean, not THIS, nobody would have predicted all THIS, but..." and saying what an absolutely bizarre day it was, etc., moments that don't quiiiite break the fourth wall but that work due to the moments where the fourth wall WAS broken, and that certainly lean on it very hard.
I think those fourth wall breaks also kind of add to the hype and excitement at points maybe, like namely the moment where Beetlejuice is actually summoned right before the intermission kind of has this big, exciting, climactic "the moment you've been waiting for....!!!" feeling to it and that just HITS harder climactically when you've like literally engaged directly with the audience and brought them in on the experience, if that makes sense? So that worked, too.
There also were a handful of political jokes and/or very distinctly modern, this-is-from-the-last-few-years jokes (some of which also felt kinda 4th wall-ish) and I think those worked, too, again for some of the above reasons where like, the deviation from the source material is highlighted even further by making a joke that literally couldn't have worked in 1988. It kind of reinforces the idea that, "Hey, this is its own thing. We're taking the original idea of Beetlejuice and we're keeping its vibes continuous but we're also going to mold it hard to be something that you could ONLY make now." I feel like that's a lot of the artistic vision behind this whole thing -- more on that in a bit -- and like that's kind of underpinned by having some of these jokes that give away the time when this was made. And by and large I think these jokes, again, were intrinsically funny and landed and so they didn't feel like pandering or trying to just, like, hook the audience on referencing some funny cultural phrase or trend or something. And even when they did the 4th wall aspect of that still makes it work-- like there was a joke about the electoral college and maybe that's low-hanging fruit but also it still worked in context and I think that the idea of a Beetlejuice musical suddenly having an electoral college joke is, itself, the joke? Or part of the joke, anyway. Like, some of the comedy just comes from the fact that that joke is in there at all and it kind of breaks immersion but in a good way.
Favorite jokes for me out of the whole thing would have to be:
- This one was kind of just in the middle of seamless dialogue, it didn't get a like break after it for people to applaud so it didn't get an actively huge response since the scene just kept moving, but "Speaking of luggage, have you met my 4th wife?" or whatever that exact line was was gold
- This is really small but when Beetlejuice is saying his goodbyes and tosses his mom's leg to Adam and is like "Hold this for a second", it was real quiet and quick but Adam was like "yeah sure" and that "yeah sure" just killed me like okay yeah fine that's a reasonable response to this creature asking you to hold his dead demon mom's leg I guess
- And I'd love to have the hot take that either of those were my favorite but of course I have to say the best one, which got the strongest response, was when Beetlejuice was like "Hey, Lydia, now we BOTH have dead moms!" like you've spent two hours building up all this emotional pathos about Lydia and treating it very, very seriously and sincerely and emotionally - unlike anything else in the show, lol, it's the one thing that's taken seriously even - so suddenly making just this absolutely wildly irreverent joke about that, tying a couple of the big narrative threads together just for the sake of this absurdly disrespectful punchline to Lydia... that got a HUGE response, I dead-ass feel like it was about a minute of intermittent laughter and applause after that. People loved it.
The overall tone of the whole thing was also wacky enough that it made me more willing to move past and forgive any moments that didn't land as much, too. It was hitting it out of the park often enough, and was doing so in innately irreverent enough ways, that I can cut it some slack if a joke doesn't land as well for me personally. Like, it earns it.
Something else I dug comedically and meant to add here was the running jokes throughout it, most of which were spaced out really well and didn't come up again until like 30+ minutes after their first inception and all of which were jokes that already worked the first time and didn't feel out of place -- so when they suddenly came up again later it was surprising and fun in the ways it was meant to be etc etc.
1) Beetlejuice wanting to marry this underage girl is still kept in, but they completely, directly lampshade how massively problematic a concept that is, basically dedicating an entire song to that fact specifically and just leaning into "Okay yeah this guy is creepy and off-putting and weird." I feel like this is kind of a good way of, like, being true to the original product while also evolving it not only for modern sensibilities but also for the (now-)basic morality principles that underpin those sensibilities: if you remake Beetlejuice but remove the part where he's trying to marry Lydia, then you're fundamentally changing a LOT of the plot and I don't think that's necessarily bad, I think that there could be good and effective ways to do that for sure, but there are surely at least as many INeffective ways to do it and also, no matter how you do it, inevitably if you remove or change such a major plot element as that then probably a lot of the fan response and critical response will be focused on that ONE change and it'll override the other >2 hours of art you've created and instead become a whole thing for people to angrily tweet about for three days. Again: totally worth doing, in some cases!
But in this case, there also is the approach of -- "Hey, look, let's leave that in there but let's REALLY unambiguously say that it's not okay. Then we're still maintaining this degree of continuity with the original source material and we're keeping the character dynamics at least kind of recognizable, yet we're also not being irresponsible in taking this problematic aspect of the original story for granted and putting out a harmful cultural narrative that normalizes an unhealthy relationship, and nobody watching it can really plausibly argue that we're doing so." And like, managing to do that without just coming off like an Enlightened Centrist wanting to please everyone is hard to do! But I think they did it well here: just keep the same narrative element but then riff on how inappropriate it is -- which also doesn't REALLY come off too, like, on-the-nose, because the fourth wall has already been very shaky here, which kind of gains you the ability to do that.
2) In line with this: apparently Lydia's role is just way, WAY bigger and more emotional here in general than in the movie -- which stunned me to learn, lol. I wouldn't just say Lydia was the heart of this show, I would say with certainty that literally any emotional resonance or seriousness it had whatsoever came entirely from her haha like that almost goes without saying. So hearing about some of the things I took for granted here that were in fact new to the musical -- the entire arc about her grief for her mom and her pushing through it, her being the one to summon Betelgeuse (I guess I should have been spelling his name that way the whole time but I am NOT editing now lol) for her own bidding, and her doing it only after kind of toying with him and faking him out a bit to make him the less powerful one within her dynamic, at least temporarily, in the "Say My Name" song -- all of that played really authentically to where I didn't even question it and was apparently like all new, and I think that, in line with point 1, this makes the whole Betelgeuse-trying-to-marry-her dynamic easier to stomach, because they elevated Lydia clearly really far above and beyond a plot device and instead did a lot to empower her as a character -- but in ways that didn't feel pandering at all. Like they didn't make a huge show out of the FACT that Lydia was now this Strong, Empowered Woman!; they just kind of created the character as such and allowed her to exist, and it clearly worked really organically and naturally since I didn't even consider that it was what I now assume it was, which was (in part) an attempt at just keeping the show up-to-date with the kinds of narratives and gender dynamics audiences will (rightfully) prefer and be more comfortable watching now. So I think it's well-done and impressive, and honestly maybe the best thing about the show upon reflection, how they created this seemingly more emotionally nuanced and personally empowered version of Lydia but without beating you over the head with the fact that that's what they were doing.
3) Betelgeuse being made queer is a decent twist. One moment that I did feel a little "eh" on was when him dipping and kissing Barbara and Adam without their consent was played for laughs BUT in watching, like, 30 seconds of the original movie (I was just curious about what his voice sounded like) right away I saw that he does that like immediately upon being summoned and then starts pining for Barbara to Adam, and I can definitely imagine that flying more readily in 1988 than it did now -- and maybe to big Beetlejuice fans, I don't know, but maybe that moment of him dipping and kissing Barbara is like an iconic image of the movie they'd want kept in idk. If so I think there is an argument that having him treat Adam that way as much as or more than he treats Barbara that way might make it easier to stomach for a lot of viewers than if those scenes were kept intact. I do think there is an equally good counterargument that -- like, we should not be violating and harassing anyone, in general, so there is an equally good counterargument for sure that having him just do it to the man way more than he does to the woman isn't a great fix and that that shouldn't be played for laughs in general. I might even fall more on the latter side, tbh. BUT at the same time I at least see how there's an attempt to make his harassment less patriarchal and so I get and appreciate that and again his actions aren't really being like endorsed throughout the show by any means (there is literally a song about how fun it is to traumatize people who come to the front door) so. I can imagine varying takes on this that are all valid tho~
Isabella Esler as Lydia obviously deserves MASSIVE praise here. Her voice was INCREDIBLE oh my goodness. Good for her. Wow. Just did an absolutely great job, I was blown away on just how great she sounded on some of the bigger, more emotional notes, my goodness, great voice. Everyone else also did a very good job, though, shoutouts Megan McGinnis as Barbara, Will Burton as Adam, Jesse Sharp as Charles, Kate Marilley as Delia, all of them had fun energies about them that fit the vibes of their characters. Jesse Sharp worked really well for the character I think, had the right vibe, all of their voices were impressive, and I also really want to highlight like the absolute control over their body that a lot of them had -- this especially stood out for Kate Marilley I think. Just the way in which she moved around the stage at points and did some of the like weird and fun and colorful little movements her character does, just flitting about the stage at different points or accosting Lydia or all that sort of thing -- Kate Marilley was very, like... floaty. Like water. It was dope. She did great. I would honestly say that just the way in which she moved about the stage stood out more than most other parts of the entire show and more than most other performances on their own, she just had a really great command of the way her character's body was meant to be moving that added a LOT of color and personality to the character. Really, really great job. It was very impressive. She did great, she was so fun, she was one of my favorites.
I would shout out the others on the control over their body, too, though -- like the part where Barbara and Adam briefly become possessed they did a great job making their bodies appear to go all stiff and like they lost control of them for a moment -- that's great stuff! Really really impressive for an actual human being to on a dime just completely change the way the physical structure of their body appears like that, that's very cool, in a way that's maybe a little subtler than a vocal performance or something but no less important or impressive I think.
And yeah I highlighted this for Collette but it's equally true for all of them: idk having absolutely all the lines memorized, projecting them all out to this whole crowd of people, but not just that but also being a compelling and strong singer and vocalist in the moment, not getting freaked out by the pressure of only having one chance to make this audience get a scene with absolutely all their focus on you at points, like what if you have to sneeze??? That's what I always wonder with this sort of thing is what if they have to sneeze. But none of them seemed concerned about that. Good for them. And then ALSO making the comedic timing of the jokes land but ALSO being believable -- like there's just a lot of different prongs of talent here. They really gotta be firing on all cylinders. Very very multitalented, what's asked of these people. And they delivered for sure. Good for them, my goodness, they're all good at their jobs, I hope they enjoy them. There's just so many things going into these performances. And here I am being like, but what if I had to sneeze?? And Kate Marilley is out here just floating around the place rolling around being funny. Good job. Good for her. Good for all of them.
I really loved when there was like a whole ensemble cast doing all this choreographed stuff, too. Those were some of my very favorite parts -- when there were all the other Betelgeuses (...Betelgi?) together dancing at once and everything and just like this big, larger, collective, fluid entity being formed of all these individual people -- and the choreography of the like skeletons at one part, like you had people doing backflips and stuff! That's wild! -- and all of them in time with each other, just, great stuff. Good for them. There were a few moments in those sorts of numbers that were like, "Wow! Okay! I'm watching a musical. It sure does feel like that's what's happening. Yup. That's what this feels like." When you had the whole big collective crowd of performers doing all this stuff all at once. I liked those parts a lot.
Some other various parts that I liked a lot in particular:
- The very opening song was a total highlight. Again I went into this 0 knowledge 0 expectations. So when it opens on the ballad I'm like okay, okay, this is the vibe, this is the kind of music this'll be. But then Betelgeuse comes up and is suddenly doing a rock song and I'm like oooookay now THIS is the kind of music I see live all the time haha NOW I'm in my element. I didn't expect that and it was just a really great, like, great exclamation mark to open the show. Energetic, intense, colorful, fun, all the fourth wall stuff I mentioned earlier, I really do think that the opening was maybe the best part but maybe that's because for ME personally it was in the sense of like being my introduction into this whole... thing. Definitely one of the best parts, though.
- As noted the end of the first act where he's actually summoned was hype as fuck. Very climactic and satisfying
- One of my family wanted to rush us out the door real quick at the end so we could more easily catch an Ubetrain but I still kind of walked out slowly and lingered because like I want to be respectful of the cast as much as I can and hang out and just see them as people and everything and so I'm glad I kind of lingered because when they brought in the big sand worm again and popped off a bunch of streamers that was real fun!
But I also didn't and don't care LOL like I'm sorry but it took less than 5 minutes for this to very unambiguously establish that I wasn't meant to take it too seriously haha so once that song about the show-about-death kicked in I was like okay okay we're here for fun and we're here for pizzazz and we're here for good vibes. We're here for, like, a SHOW you know? I wasn't here for deep emotional resonance or meticulous character arcs. And like trust me I LOVE that shit in a lot of my favorite media. Better Call Saul? Let's go. Neon Genesis Evangelion? My fav. Survivor: Vanuatu? Omg yes please. BoJack Horseman? March on. But like--- that's not what this was about lol. So inasmuch as it DID manage to tap into some genuine insights on serious themes like mortality and grief and processing loss -- which it did, at times! -- like, nice! cool! great! that's a nice bonus. But I'm okay with the character relationships underpinning that maybe being a bit rushed or whatever because, like, I was not here expecting nuanced character intricacies, at all. lol. I was expecting (once I got accustomed to what was going on, a few minutes in) FUN and VIBES and COLOR
And it delivered that in spades. For sure. That's what this was about and that's what this was for. It was BIG and it was GRAND and EXPLOSIVE and FUNNY and COLORFUL and EXCITING and MEMORABLE and it was a SHOW. It was THEATRICAL! Not gonna get mad at a comedy for not having the best dramatic pacing or whatever lol. That it managed to have any at all with how off-the-wall and frantic its jokes often were is impressive in itself, tbh! But yeah I wasn't here on business I was only here for FUN and it provided that for sure.
A lot of the favorable comments I see are that this seems to be getting lots of people into musicals who otherwise wouldn't be. We will see if that holds for me! But it certainly could because at any rate I really, really liked this one. It was great, it was fun, I wanna go again, it was a good time. Absolutely can see how this would be a very, very valuable point of entry for people who have absolutely zero experience with this sort of thing because it is just seriously exciting and fun to watch, it sucks you in instantly, yet is genuinely well-written enough, well-performed enough, theatrical enough to justify that pacing and crassness, too.
Like I mean if you aren't completely on the edge of your seat within 5 minutes then man idk I mean that's valid different people like different things but I think, take someone who's never seen a musical before, sit them down for the first five minutes of this, they're gonna wanna see what the fuck's happening next and where this is going haha. So yeah I think the comments about this being a good entry point seem, from my limited vantage point, to be pretty spot-on. This is really really colorful and fun and does a lot of very immediately and obviously appealing things with the unique strengths of this particular medium as opposed to others.
2023.09.18 19:05 M1chaelLanz Unqualified Space Chapter 5
There was no sun or loud space rooster to signal morning had arrived. Cam would've used his phone, but he had troubles manually changing the time and couldn't get connected to the Wi-Fi. It would've been a backup though, because he had one method that seemingly never failed, despite his best efforts. His bladder felt heavy and he contracted his lower abdomen muscles. Nature was calling. He had to answer.
Cam slipped out of the bottom bunk and snuck across the smooth floor in the dark to avoid waking the other aliens. The crew valued their sleep and would collectively punish anyone who took it from them. Once he made it to the bathroom to relieve himself, he heard the rest of the crew beginning to wake up. Alien yawns reached his ears, warning him he had little time before the walkway would be crammed. He finished up and began weaving through the growing crowd of aliens.
It took some nimble feet, but Cam made it back to his bunk, where he noticed Jack's bunk was still empty. Jack never gets up before me…weird. Cam had little time to ponder where his friend had gone, since he didn't want to be late for his first day. He put on his jumpsuit and pushed back through the crowd of bodies into the hall. His new path led away from the rest, down an empty hallway to the front of the ship.
The closer he got to the Security Officer's office, the more he noticed there were a lot of officers on this ship. A group of them were heading to breakfast, oblivious to his presence. Their uniforms were all pressed and neat, making him stand out all the more. One teal-skinned, droopy-eared officer in the group looked at him, but Cam stayed focused on the path ahead, praying no one would stop him.
"You there," the officer said and broke away from the group. Cam had no choice but to stop.
"Yes, sir," he said, standing at attention.
"Where are you headed?"
"Security office."
"Security office…" He nodded. Cam tried not looking into the officer's black eyes, but couldn't help it. They were both unnerving and unavoidable. Each second felt like minutes while the officer decided what he would do. There was nothing wrong with Cam being there, but it never stopped officers with a power trip. Eternity seemed to move faster before the officer spoke again. "Carry on, Private. Don't keep Officer Manquez waiting."
Cam saluted him and tore his eyes away. What is with those eyes? They suck you in like a black hole and don't let go. I wonder if he knows that? He dared not attempt another glance and continued to the security office.
The office itself wasn't much to look at. It was located at the corner of the hall before the officers' quarters began. There was no sign designating it, but the door was left open and yellow light shined into the hall. Cam heard a rustling of something he didn't think he would ever hear again, paper. He peeked his head inside to find a bald, pure white humanoid rummaging through documents behind a desk. His ears were elf-like, but flicked like a dog when it heard something.
Officer Manquez turned around and stood up. "Who are you?"
"I'm Private Cassidy. Captain–"
"Ah, you're the Captain's new project. Good, so can you explain to me what I am holding?"
"Um…paper, sir?"
"Wrong." Officer Manquez slammed the sheet on the small table. "It's the bane of my existence. A brand new position request AFTER we began our tour. Do you know what that means?"
"It will take longer?"
"Oh, it better not." He sat down in his chair, which leaned back forty five degrees before springing back up. "No, what it means is I have to deal with paper, because High Command will not accept a new position request unless it is handwritten. Why handwritten you ask? Oh, because they are older than a red dwarf with nothing else to live for. Which means I need to fill out several forms selling them on why this new position is needed, which it isn't, all to keep the captain happy."
"I'm sur—" Cam began before Officer Manquez shushed him.
"You see these hands?" Officer Manquez pushed his hands in front of Cam's face. They were blistered purple and swollen. "I'm allergic to paper, yet here I am fumbling through documents to find the request form. I haven't even started writing yet."
"Is there anything I can do to help make it easier on you?" Cam offered the officer, who he feared was on the brink of a complete meltdown.
"Besides assassinate the person who invented paper, no. Just sign the form." He slid it over and gave him a pen.
Cam couldn't read the strange symbols printed on the page. His dad's voice rang in his head. 'Son, never sign a contract you can't read. Especially if it's in Russian.' The letters did look vaguely cryillic, but he had faith the military wouldn't screw him. He put his john hancock on the page and slid it back without another thought.
"Is that it?"
"No. We have to send you through the whole gambit." Officer Manquez reached under his desk and retrieved a slate tablet. He let out an audible sign of relief as his fingertips touched the cold screen. "You have a physical after this, followed by combative training, and classroom instruction. Your uniform is being made as we speak and–"
"Hold it. I have to do a physical again? Why?" Cam asked, shuttering from his last experience with an alien doctor. Tentacles were never meant to go where they had gone.
"This is classified as a combat role. You need a more in-depth physical. At least that's my guess, I never really asked, don't really care. Not my problem." He finished tapping on his screen. "I don't see your name in the message center. Do you have a tablet I can directly send the itinerary to?"
"I have a phone." Cam pulled out his phone to show him.
Officer Manquez shook his head. "That won't work. Were you not issued one?"
He was issued one. The problem was he didn't know how to use it, seeing it was in a different language. Instead of asking someone how to use it, he gave it to Lisa to figure out. She told him it was impossible to change and ended up using his and Jack's tablet to create the wi-fi setup. They figured it was a good use for them, but neither of them knew that merely days before Lisa finished, she discovered how to change the language setting. Regardless, it left Cam with no real way to get official communications.
"Is there any chance you can write it down for me?" Cam asked sheepishly.
Officer Manquez's eyes narrowed on him. I'm going to remember you, you little pink bastard. He grumbled something incoherent while he wrote it down for him on a separate piece of paper.
"In English, please," Cam added, not able to see his handwriting.
He looked up again at the earthling and gave him a snarky smile. "Sure, why not?"
Cam stood as still as possible, not wanting to involve any more ire from him. Once Officer Manquez was done, he pushed it over to him using the pen.
"Tell the doc I am going to need some hand cream."
"Will do." Cam took the slip and walked out the door as quickly as possible.
I sure hope the doctor visit goes better.
***
A cold breeze hummed in the room Jack occupied. It was a rather soulless room, void of color or heat, until Vani arrived. She pushed in a monitor attached to adjustable two uprights and stopped it next to his bed. Vani tilted the monitor to see her reflection, making sure she looked presentable.
There were only a few features that truly distinguished her from Captain Tarkey, beyond her blue scrubs. Her braid was dyed black and a bit thinner. Vani's eyelashes were long and one eyebrow was slightly higher than the other. She puffed up her more endowed chest and winked at herself. If you asked her, she would've added her ass was better too, but that was a matter of opinion. Firmer isn't always better. Makes sitting on the floor more painful.
Once Vani was done admiring herself, she turned the monitor on, displaying Jack's heartbeat and other vitals.
"Banyani, you always send me the cute ones," Vani said and leaned over his bed. "Wakey, wakey human."
Jack was unresponsive to her call. His chest rose and fell peacefully, unaware of her presence. She prodded him a few times in the head, but still nothing.
"Hmmmm. What could I do to wake him up?" She stroked her chin until a deviant idea came to her mind. Vani glanced at the door quick and then moved the blanket covering him down, exposing his bare chest. Her eyes were glued to his hard nipples. She pressed one like a button and recoiled her hand fast, waiting for a response. All she got was for him to move his head. She followed up by pressing it a little harder, but no change. Then she proceeded to press the other one progressively harder and finally both at the same time with no success. "Huh, that would've worked on me…what works on humans?"
Her thoughts evolved from what could wake him to what could awaken in him. She noticed his autonomy was similar to the men on her planet, but her curiosity encouraged her to see if there were more similarities below the waist. She began to lift the blanket when the door opened.
"Ahhh!" She screamed from the sudden noise and pulled her hand away as Doctor Shamberg entered the room. He was caught off guard by her frantic yelp, but not entirely surprised to what he almost walked in on.
"Vani, what are you doing?"
"Nothing…I was just…checking on our patient." Vani added a nod more to convince herself of the phony words more than sell her innocence.
"Ah, I see. You do know it's the other head he injured."
"Oh, right. Just making sure. One can never be too thorough," she said, patting the blanket on top of Jack's crotch.
"I'm glad you feel that way. You can handle my next appointment. It's a physical for a new position."
"What? Why me?" Vani whined, knowing new position physicals required substantially more tests and data recording.
"Because clearly you have too much time on your hands and I have no more rooms for intake at the moment. I'll show him in."
"Him?" Vani smirked.
Doctor Shamberg sighed as he held the door partially open. "Vani, do I need to remind you of my number one rule?"
"No friskiness before five." She shot some finger guns his way for pizzazz.
"No friskiness, ever. Period."
Vani fiend offense. "Sounds a little unfair. Is that the rule for all your nurses?"
"Yes. And you're the only one who doesn't follow it."
"I knew I was special. Some of our patients think so too." She added a wink to drive home her playful banter.
"Just…don't. This one time, please don't flirt with the patient."
"I promise I won't have sex with him." Vani then pointed her thumb back to Jack. "Or him."
"Thank you," Doctor Shamberg said and left.
"Today." Vani finished and hummed a happy tune to herself. She pulled out a rolling stool recessed in Jack's bed and tapped on the monitor. The vitals went away, pulling up the health information for the next patient. "Another human, interesting."
A knock came from the other side of the door, followed by Dr. Shamberg with Cam in tow.
“Once again, I apologize for not being able to handle your physical personally, but I leave you in the capable hands of Nurse Tarkey.”
Cam had to do a double take, thinking it was the captain at first. Doctor Shamberg left before he had to listen to his nurse's total disregard for professionalism.
"Well, well, well, what am I doing to you?" Vani asked. Her smirk and dangerous twinkle in her eye would've made it clear her intentions were far from clinical. Cam was always dense to such advances, specifically from women.
"I think it's just a physical, which is strange since I did one when I came aboard."
"Not with me you didn't," Vani said, tapping through his medical file. "What position is this for?"
"Security detail for the captain."
Her eyebrows raised with interest. "A bodyguard? For my sister?"
"I guess."
Vani started typing on the monitor and said under her breath, "You clever little girl. I was wondering when you would try something like this."
"I'm sorry, what did you say?"
"Please sit on the table."
Cam finally gave the table a real look and noticed Jack. "What happened to Jack? Is he okay?"
Vani heard his tone of concern and was quick to ease his worries.
"He took a hit to the head, but nothing to worry about. He will be fine."
"How?"
"Let's just say my sister likes to whip her hair back and forth."
"Like the song?" Cam asked, thoroughly confused how it had anything to do with Jack's hospitalization.
"There's a song about knocking men out with braids? Which one is that?"
Interrupting their conversation was a groan and Jack's flickering eyes. Vani glided off her stool and leaned over her patient. Her hair brushed against his cheek, getting his attention.
"Captain?" Jack asked.
"Yep, it's as I feared." Vani turned her head to Cam. "He has brain damage."
Jack sat straight up, almost bonking her in the head as she moved back. "What!"
"I'm only kidding." Vani put her hands on his shoulders, lowering him back down. "My sister didn't hit you that hard I see."
"Your sister? Your sister is the captain?"
"Sure is. Mind telling me what happened?"
"Well…" Jack began when he noticed Cam. "Cam, what are you doing here?"
"Physical. What are you doing here?" Cam answered.
"I don't know. I remember talking with the captain about…something." Jack faked a grimace and held his head to avoid further investigation into the conversation. He was entrusted with a sacred duty. One he did not wish to fail, for the sake of his friend who was hopeless to find love without his help. Or at least that was what Jack told himself.
Vani was not as naive as Cam, knowing a faker a mile away. It helped she knew his vitals and previously saw his scan. It was a mild concussion, but nothing they didn't fix hours ago. Her eyebrows raised and eyes shot between Cam and Jack, silently communicating her suspicion. Jack simply blinked in response.
"Well, Jack, why don't you walk around the halls while I work on your friend here. When you come back, we'll check on your pretty little head."
"I'll catch you later, Cam," Jack said, quickly leaving them alone.
Vani gave Cam a reassuring smile. "Don't worry, he'll be fine. Please sit on the table for me."
Cam did as he was told while Vani went around behind him, rummaging through a compartment to find the tools of her trade. He swung his feet idlly thinking about what to say. Cam had no idea what to expect from the captain, but Vani would.
"What is the captain like?" Cam asked.
Vani popped her head up. "Are you trying to squeeze me for information on my own sister?"
"Just wondering if there is anything I should look out for? I'd hate to lose this job because I should've known something," Cam responded quickly.
Vani walked in front of him with a scanner in her hand, which resembled an inventory scanner on Earth. When she pressed the trigger, a green beam of light danced over his body.
"Don't pull on her hair in public. Or do. Your call, Vani said and the beam of light turned off.
"I think I can manage that," Cam said, laughing at the absurd image in his head. Why would I do that?
"Okay, now strip," Vani said and put the scanner on the bed next to him.
"Excuse me?"
"Not slow…unless of course you want to. I won't complain."
Cam shifted on the bed. His hair stood on end, feeling the chill of the room. He also became acutely aware of her fingers being a smidge thicker than Doctor Shamberg's. "Um…shouldn't the other doctor be doing this part of the exam?"
"He is too busy." Vani waved off his concern. "If it makes you feel better, I have seen plenty of naked alien men. You humans aren't my type."
Oh geez, here comes the ass probe again, Cam thought as he moved his hands to his zipper.
There was some hesitation, but he complied, pulling his jumpsuit down to his knees. Vani kept a stoic expression on her face, despite the urge to say, "Oh, mommy likely." There was a lot to like from her perspective, but he was off limits. She knew her sister wanted a shot at him, so it was a small concession. At least Vani had an idea of what she was missing out on. After briefly admiring his form, she reached down and cupped his balls.
"Cough."
Cam coughed and did his best to think of anything else while she was down in his nether region. At least it's not in the ass. Man, her hands are warm and soft. And her–no! Don't think about that. Quick, think of something unsexy. Monster trucks. Monster trucks. Deadly train crashes. Server outages. Hand deformations…hold it…
"I just remembered, Officer Manquez asked me to get him some hand cream. His hands are all blistered."
Vani let go of his balls and stood up fast. "Blisters?"
"Yeah, they were all purple and gross."
"I better go over there then," Vani said, rushing around the bed to quickly put the scanner away.
"What about the rest of my physical?"
"Congratulations! You're in perfect health." Vani rushed to the door. "Feel free to see yourself out. Bye!"
And like that she was gone. He was left standing there with his jumpsuit around his ankles. Cam let out a sigh of relief and felt his butt cheeks unclench. No more than a second later, Jack found it necessary to pop his head in.
"Yeah, I would run too if I saw that," Jack said.
"She's right. I think you do have brain damage," Cam shot back and put his jumpsuit back on.
Jack chuckled and walked into the room. "So, you looking forward to protecting the captain?"
"I guess. How did you get knocked out? Our nurse said it was from her hair."
"It's a long story."
"I have time–actually I don't," Cam said, realizing he had combat training next. "Do you know where the soldier's wing is?"
Jack waved him over. "Come along, my little grasshopper. I will show you the way."
***
Previous Next
submitted by M1chaelLanz to WritingsByLanz [link] [comments]
Cam slipped out of the bottom bunk and snuck across the smooth floor in the dark to avoid waking the other aliens. The crew valued their sleep and would collectively punish anyone who took it from them. Once he made it to the bathroom to relieve himself, he heard the rest of the crew beginning to wake up. Alien yawns reached his ears, warning him he had little time before the walkway would be crammed. He finished up and began weaving through the growing crowd of aliens.
It took some nimble feet, but Cam made it back to his bunk, where he noticed Jack's bunk was still empty. Jack never gets up before me…weird. Cam had little time to ponder where his friend had gone, since he didn't want to be late for his first day. He put on his jumpsuit and pushed back through the crowd of bodies into the hall. His new path led away from the rest, down an empty hallway to the front of the ship.
The closer he got to the Security Officer's office, the more he noticed there were a lot of officers on this ship. A group of them were heading to breakfast, oblivious to his presence. Their uniforms were all pressed and neat, making him stand out all the more. One teal-skinned, droopy-eared officer in the group looked at him, but Cam stayed focused on the path ahead, praying no one would stop him.
"You there," the officer said and broke away from the group. Cam had no choice but to stop.
"Yes, sir," he said, standing at attention.
"Where are you headed?"
"Security office."
"Security office…" He nodded. Cam tried not looking into the officer's black eyes, but couldn't help it. They were both unnerving and unavoidable. Each second felt like minutes while the officer decided what he would do. There was nothing wrong with Cam being there, but it never stopped officers with a power trip. Eternity seemed to move faster before the officer spoke again. "Carry on, Private. Don't keep Officer Manquez waiting."
Cam saluted him and tore his eyes away. What is with those eyes? They suck you in like a black hole and don't let go. I wonder if he knows that? He dared not attempt another glance and continued to the security office.
The office itself wasn't much to look at. It was located at the corner of the hall before the officers' quarters began. There was no sign designating it, but the door was left open and yellow light shined into the hall. Cam heard a rustling of something he didn't think he would ever hear again, paper. He peeked his head inside to find a bald, pure white humanoid rummaging through documents behind a desk. His ears were elf-like, but flicked like a dog when it heard something.
Officer Manquez turned around and stood up. "Who are you?"
"I'm Private Cassidy. Captain–"
"Ah, you're the Captain's new project. Good, so can you explain to me what I am holding?"
"Um…paper, sir?"
"Wrong." Officer Manquez slammed the sheet on the small table. "It's the bane of my existence. A brand new position request AFTER we began our tour. Do you know what that means?"
"It will take longer?"
"Oh, it better not." He sat down in his chair, which leaned back forty five degrees before springing back up. "No, what it means is I have to deal with paper, because High Command will not accept a new position request unless it is handwritten. Why handwritten you ask? Oh, because they are older than a red dwarf with nothing else to live for. Which means I need to fill out several forms selling them on why this new position is needed, which it isn't, all to keep the captain happy."
"I'm sur—" Cam began before Officer Manquez shushed him.
"You see these hands?" Officer Manquez pushed his hands in front of Cam's face. They were blistered purple and swollen. "I'm allergic to paper, yet here I am fumbling through documents to find the request form. I haven't even started writing yet."
"Is there anything I can do to help make it easier on you?" Cam offered the officer, who he feared was on the brink of a complete meltdown.
"Besides assassinate the person who invented paper, no. Just sign the form." He slid it over and gave him a pen.
Cam couldn't read the strange symbols printed on the page. His dad's voice rang in his head. 'Son, never sign a contract you can't read. Especially if it's in Russian.' The letters did look vaguely cryillic, but he had faith the military wouldn't screw him. He put his john hancock on the page and slid it back without another thought.
"Is that it?"
"No. We have to send you through the whole gambit." Officer Manquez reached under his desk and retrieved a slate tablet. He let out an audible sign of relief as his fingertips touched the cold screen. "You have a physical after this, followed by combative training, and classroom instruction. Your uniform is being made as we speak and–"
"Hold it. I have to do a physical again? Why?" Cam asked, shuttering from his last experience with an alien doctor. Tentacles were never meant to go where they had gone.
"This is classified as a combat role. You need a more in-depth physical. At least that's my guess, I never really asked, don't really care. Not my problem." He finished tapping on his screen. "I don't see your name in the message center. Do you have a tablet I can directly send the itinerary to?"
"I have a phone." Cam pulled out his phone to show him.
Officer Manquez shook his head. "That won't work. Were you not issued one?"
He was issued one. The problem was he didn't know how to use it, seeing it was in a different language. Instead of asking someone how to use it, he gave it to Lisa to figure out. She told him it was impossible to change and ended up using his and Jack's tablet to create the wi-fi setup. They figured it was a good use for them, but neither of them knew that merely days before Lisa finished, she discovered how to change the language setting. Regardless, it left Cam with no real way to get official communications.
"Is there any chance you can write it down for me?" Cam asked sheepishly.
Officer Manquez's eyes narrowed on him. I'm going to remember you, you little pink bastard. He grumbled something incoherent while he wrote it down for him on a separate piece of paper.
"In English, please," Cam added, not able to see his handwriting.
He looked up again at the earthling and gave him a snarky smile. "Sure, why not?"
Cam stood as still as possible, not wanting to involve any more ire from him. Once Officer Manquez was done, he pushed it over to him using the pen.
"Tell the doc I am going to need some hand cream."
"Will do." Cam took the slip and walked out the door as quickly as possible.
I sure hope the doctor visit goes better.
***
A cold breeze hummed in the room Jack occupied. It was a rather soulless room, void of color or heat, until Vani arrived. She pushed in a monitor attached to adjustable two uprights and stopped it next to his bed. Vani tilted the monitor to see her reflection, making sure she looked presentable.
There were only a few features that truly distinguished her from Captain Tarkey, beyond her blue scrubs. Her braid was dyed black and a bit thinner. Vani's eyelashes were long and one eyebrow was slightly higher than the other. She puffed up her more endowed chest and winked at herself. If you asked her, she would've added her ass was better too, but that was a matter of opinion. Firmer isn't always better. Makes sitting on the floor more painful.
Once Vani was done admiring herself, she turned the monitor on, displaying Jack's heartbeat and other vitals.
"Banyani, you always send me the cute ones," Vani said and leaned over his bed. "Wakey, wakey human."
Jack was unresponsive to her call. His chest rose and fell peacefully, unaware of her presence. She prodded him a few times in the head, but still nothing.
"Hmmmm. What could I do to wake him up?" She stroked her chin until a deviant idea came to her mind. Vani glanced at the door quick and then moved the blanket covering him down, exposing his bare chest. Her eyes were glued to his hard nipples. She pressed one like a button and recoiled her hand fast, waiting for a response. All she got was for him to move his head. She followed up by pressing it a little harder, but no change. Then she proceeded to press the other one progressively harder and finally both at the same time with no success. "Huh, that would've worked on me…what works on humans?"
Her thoughts evolved from what could wake him to what could awaken in him. She noticed his autonomy was similar to the men on her planet, but her curiosity encouraged her to see if there were more similarities below the waist. She began to lift the blanket when the door opened.
"Ahhh!" She screamed from the sudden noise and pulled her hand away as Doctor Shamberg entered the room. He was caught off guard by her frantic yelp, but not entirely surprised to what he almost walked in on.
"Vani, what are you doing?"
"Nothing…I was just…checking on our patient." Vani added a nod more to convince herself of the phony words more than sell her innocence.
"Ah, I see. You do know it's the other head he injured."
"Oh, right. Just making sure. One can never be too thorough," she said, patting the blanket on top of Jack's crotch.
"I'm glad you feel that way. You can handle my next appointment. It's a physical for a new position."
"What? Why me?" Vani whined, knowing new position physicals required substantially more tests and data recording.
"Because clearly you have too much time on your hands and I have no more rooms for intake at the moment. I'll show him in."
"Him?" Vani smirked.
Doctor Shamberg sighed as he held the door partially open. "Vani, do I need to remind you of my number one rule?"
"No friskiness before five." She shot some finger guns his way for pizzazz.
"No friskiness, ever. Period."
Vani fiend offense. "Sounds a little unfair. Is that the rule for all your nurses?"
"Yes. And you're the only one who doesn't follow it."
"I knew I was special. Some of our patients think so too." She added a wink to drive home her playful banter.
"Just…don't. This one time, please don't flirt with the patient."
"I promise I won't have sex with him." Vani then pointed her thumb back to Jack. "Or him."
"Thank you," Doctor Shamberg said and left.
"Today." Vani finished and hummed a happy tune to herself. She pulled out a rolling stool recessed in Jack's bed and tapped on the monitor. The vitals went away, pulling up the health information for the next patient. "Another human, interesting."
A knock came from the other side of the door, followed by Dr. Shamberg with Cam in tow.
“Once again, I apologize for not being able to handle your physical personally, but I leave you in the capable hands of Nurse Tarkey.”
Cam had to do a double take, thinking it was the captain at first. Doctor Shamberg left before he had to listen to his nurse's total disregard for professionalism.
"Well, well, well, what am I doing to you?" Vani asked. Her smirk and dangerous twinkle in her eye would've made it clear her intentions were far from clinical. Cam was always dense to such advances, specifically from women.
"I think it's just a physical, which is strange since I did one when I came aboard."
"Not with me you didn't," Vani said, tapping through his medical file. "What position is this for?"
"Security detail for the captain."
Her eyebrows raised with interest. "A bodyguard? For my sister?"
"I guess."
Vani started typing on the monitor and said under her breath, "You clever little girl. I was wondering when you would try something like this."
"I'm sorry, what did you say?"
"Please sit on the table."
Cam finally gave the table a real look and noticed Jack. "What happened to Jack? Is he okay?"
Vani heard his tone of concern and was quick to ease his worries.
"He took a hit to the head, but nothing to worry about. He will be fine."
"How?"
"Let's just say my sister likes to whip her hair back and forth."
"Like the song?" Cam asked, thoroughly confused how it had anything to do with Jack's hospitalization.
"There's a song about knocking men out with braids? Which one is that?"
Interrupting their conversation was a groan and Jack's flickering eyes. Vani glided off her stool and leaned over her patient. Her hair brushed against his cheek, getting his attention.
"Captain?" Jack asked.
"Yep, it's as I feared." Vani turned her head to Cam. "He has brain damage."
Jack sat straight up, almost bonking her in the head as she moved back. "What!"
"I'm only kidding." Vani put her hands on his shoulders, lowering him back down. "My sister didn't hit you that hard I see."
"Your sister? Your sister is the captain?"
"Sure is. Mind telling me what happened?"
"Well…" Jack began when he noticed Cam. "Cam, what are you doing here?"
"Physical. What are you doing here?" Cam answered.
"I don't know. I remember talking with the captain about…something." Jack faked a grimace and held his head to avoid further investigation into the conversation. He was entrusted with a sacred duty. One he did not wish to fail, for the sake of his friend who was hopeless to find love without his help. Or at least that was what Jack told himself.
Vani was not as naive as Cam, knowing a faker a mile away. It helped she knew his vitals and previously saw his scan. It was a mild concussion, but nothing they didn't fix hours ago. Her eyebrows raised and eyes shot between Cam and Jack, silently communicating her suspicion. Jack simply blinked in response.
"Well, Jack, why don't you walk around the halls while I work on your friend here. When you come back, we'll check on your pretty little head."
"I'll catch you later, Cam," Jack said, quickly leaving them alone.
Vani gave Cam a reassuring smile. "Don't worry, he'll be fine. Please sit on the table for me."
Cam did as he was told while Vani went around behind him, rummaging through a compartment to find the tools of her trade. He swung his feet idlly thinking about what to say. Cam had no idea what to expect from the captain, but Vani would.
"What is the captain like?" Cam asked.
Vani popped her head up. "Are you trying to squeeze me for information on my own sister?"
"Just wondering if there is anything I should look out for? I'd hate to lose this job because I should've known something," Cam responded quickly.
Vani walked in front of him with a scanner in her hand, which resembled an inventory scanner on Earth. When she pressed the trigger, a green beam of light danced over his body.
"Don't pull on her hair in public. Or do. Your call, Vani said and the beam of light turned off.
"I think I can manage that," Cam said, laughing at the absurd image in his head. Why would I do that?
"Okay, now strip," Vani said and put the scanner on the bed next to him.
"Excuse me?"
"Not slow…unless of course you want to. I won't complain."
Cam shifted on the bed. His hair stood on end, feeling the chill of the room. He also became acutely aware of her fingers being a smidge thicker than Doctor Shamberg's. "Um…shouldn't the other doctor be doing this part of the exam?"
"He is too busy." Vani waved off his concern. "If it makes you feel better, I have seen plenty of naked alien men. You humans aren't my type."
Oh geez, here comes the ass probe again, Cam thought as he moved his hands to his zipper.
There was some hesitation, but he complied, pulling his jumpsuit down to his knees. Vani kept a stoic expression on her face, despite the urge to say, "Oh, mommy likely." There was a lot to like from her perspective, but he was off limits. She knew her sister wanted a shot at him, so it was a small concession. At least Vani had an idea of what she was missing out on. After briefly admiring his form, she reached down and cupped his balls.
"Cough."
Cam coughed and did his best to think of anything else while she was down in his nether region. At least it's not in the ass. Man, her hands are warm and soft. And her–no! Don't think about that. Quick, think of something unsexy. Monster trucks. Monster trucks. Deadly train crashes. Server outages. Hand deformations…hold it…
"I just remembered, Officer Manquez asked me to get him some hand cream. His hands are all blistered."
Vani let go of his balls and stood up fast. "Blisters?"
"Yeah, they were all purple and gross."
"I better go over there then," Vani said, rushing around the bed to quickly put the scanner away.
"What about the rest of my physical?"
"Congratulations! You're in perfect health." Vani rushed to the door. "Feel free to see yourself out. Bye!"
And like that she was gone. He was left standing there with his jumpsuit around his ankles. Cam let out a sigh of relief and felt his butt cheeks unclench. No more than a second later, Jack found it necessary to pop his head in.
"Yeah, I would run too if I saw that," Jack said.
"She's right. I think you do have brain damage," Cam shot back and put his jumpsuit back on.
Jack chuckled and walked into the room. "So, you looking forward to protecting the captain?"
"I guess. How did you get knocked out? Our nurse said it was from her hair."
"It's a long story."
"I have time–actually I don't," Cam said, realizing he had combat training next. "Do you know where the soldier's wing is?"
Jack waved him over. "Come along, my little grasshopper. I will show you the way."
***
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2023.09.12 10:27 KillerSpy45 Answer Subtitles
I went through each one and coped the words that are at the bottom of each one
Answer 1-14 ph
Sound of Poppy knitting and humming. Door slams open and Poppy yelps.]
HOWDY: [Shouting, audio getting closer as he walks in] Delivery here, I’ve got a delivery here for one Ms. Partridge!! Courtesy of Howdy’s Dependable Door-to-Door-to-Door Delivery service!
POPPY: [Overlapping his dialogue slightly] Oh-!! Oh my feathers, Howdy, you frightened me!!
HOWDY: Terribly sorry, ma’am, suppose I shoulda knocked--
POPPY: Oh, no, no, that would’ve frightened me too. Oh, is that my order of yarn? Thank you!!
[Sound of a rustling paper bag.]
HOWDY: It sure is, Poppy! Hot off the shelves, just the way you like ‘em! Boy, looks like you already got a horde here that’d make a dragon jealous! Whatcha need even more yarn for? Not that I’ll turn down a sale, heh-heh.
POPPY: Oh, just working on some scarves and sweaters and such. I want everyone in the neighborhood to have something warm to wear when winter comes along-- it feels like these changing seasons keep sneaking up on me!
HOWDY: Ha, I hear that! Never enough daylight to get everything done. Course, it helps to have an extra pair of hands!
[Howdy laughs at his own joke; there’s a smaller, polite Poppy laugh underneath.]
HOWDY: [Coming down from laughing] Hah… seems like you know that already, though. I can see you’ve recruited an extra pair of your own today!
POPPY: Oh, y-yes! [Aside voice] Thank you again for your help, dear-- [directed towards Howdy again] And thank goodness for it. I was worried I was going to get all tangled up with all these colors of yarn…!
HOWDY: Hmm, I can see why. It’s a real risk!
POPPY: I-it is??
HOWDY: Well, sure! But lucky for you, I think I might have something to help… behold!
[There’s the sound of a hand-crank mixer rotating, followed by a terrified Poppy squawk.]
HOWDY: No no, nothing to fear here!! What you’re looking at is a bona-fide yarn spinner, perfect for keeping all your extra neatly spooled up! Safe, effective, and-- [crank sound again as he demonstrates] no pesky batteries or electricity to fret over!
POPPY: Oh! Well, that-- that does sound helpful, doesn’t it…
HOWDY: Sure does!! Here, tell you what-- today only, as an extra-special deal for an extra-special customer, you can give ‘er a whirl! No strings attached! Well, no strings but the yarn, that is, ha HA!!
[As he’s speaking, there’s some quiet “oh, I, well” type stammering from Poppy.]
HOWDY: Well, I’ve already overstayed my welcome-- got a whole shipment back at the shop I’ve gotta sign for! I’ll check in on you and your new wonder-device next time I bring you an order, Poppy. Till then!
POPPY: Oh, b-b-b-but-- [Howdy’s footsteps fade out and the door closes; resigned] …all right then. [heavy sigh] Oh-- oh, I don’t know how to work these things, but, well, he was so insistent it’d be helpful… Do you think you can help me figure this thing out, Wally?
Answer 2-14 sp
SALLY: Oh, I’m sure it is, darling! Now, let’s get down to brass tacks.
POPPY: Oh, ah, well, I don’t think I have any of those - I don’t like to keep anything too sharp around here, you know–
SALLY: Details, Poppy dear, details.
POPPY: Ah! Of course. Of course! N-now then, what do you think you’d like?
SALLY: What would I like? Poppy, this is going to be on stage. It’s hardly a like, it’s a need. And it NEEDS to be BIG! BOLD!!
POPPY: Ah, b-big, big, yes… maybe, three tiers, then?
SALLY: Only three? Hah!! Dream bigger, Poppy!!
POPPY: O-o-oh, ah, um-- y-yes, yes, suppose it is a big neighborhood, better to play it safe-- [little chuckle] and you, ah, you do know I love to play it safe, dear!
SALLY: Ah, ah, ah, but not too safe! After all, this needs to be a showstopper! It needs to have beauty! Pizzazz! DANGER!
POPPY: D-danger? Oh, oh, oh my feathers, I don’t know how I feel about making a dangerous cake…
SALLY: Ahh, tut-tut-tut, my feathered friend! You’ll do great, I’m certain of it. There’s no one else in the neighborhood I would trust with this! [under breath] And not just because you’re the only one here who can make something that doesn’t come out of a gelatin mold.
POPPY: Oh-!! A-a-ah, well, goodness me-- you’re going to make me blush!
SALLY: [Satisfied chuckle] So! I take it you have everything you need?
POPPY: Oh-- um-- w-well, er, not quite-- see, when I asked what you’d like, I thought, maybe, you would have a flavor in mind…?
SALLY: A what?
POPPY: W-well, a flavor. You know, ah, we could do chocolate, or vanilla, or sprinkles, buttercream, butterbell, butterscotch…
SALLY: Oh. Hm. To be honest with you, I didn’t think that far.
POPPY: …you didn’t think about the flavor?
SALLY: [Lightly defensive] Well the audience can’t taste it from their seats, now can they?? Ohh. What do you think, Wally?
Answer 3-14 hs
SALLY: Hm… Do I want potatoes again? Or do I want chips…
HOWDY: Heh, well when the chips are down, they’re both sorta the same!
SALLY: To an ordinary person, maybe, but chips are a bit heavy for a performer… I don’t want to get a stitch while I’m rehearsing my dance moves, and it slows down my creative thinking! No no, boiled potatoes it must be again. [Said with a touch of sadness]
HOWDY: Well shucks Sally, if you’re looking for a healthy change for a gal on the go, [Sound of box on counter] look no further than this sensational new instant mash!
SALLY: Instant?
HOWDY: Or faster! Guaranteed! All y’do is add water n’ whoosh! A FLUFFY mashed ‘tater masterpiece! Dinner for one, three, twenty, cast of thousands, whatever ya want. They’re lighter than air too, won’t weigh you down- or your wallet. I give it my five star rating, and those’re the golden kind!
SALLY: Oh! My! That does sound convenient, especially with my hectic schedule- let’s see… Bubble Blast Soap Flakes. What a strange name!
HOWDY: Aha yeah, it’s a… marketing thing. Makes them sound squeaky clean for your diet, hey?
SALLY: Why yes, I suppose it does! Alright then-
[Sound of Howdy packing groceries.]
SALLY:I’ll take one of those boxes of ‘Bubble Blast instant mash’… [HOWDY: “mhm”] …a bag of Old McDonald’s porridge oats… [HOWDY: “Oats…”] …one loaf of Bouncy Yellow Bread… [HOWDY: “One Large Sponge…”] …and a box of that nice new Sunshine Cereal you introduced me to last week. [HOWDY: “Woodchips n sawdust.”]
HOWDY: [Normal volume] Good choices are the only choices you can make in this store, but you’ve got a knack none-the-less, Miss Starlet!
SALLY: Oh! And a pint of milk, thank you.
[Sound of register, Howdy handing over groceries.]
HOWDY: There y’go! Service with a smile! Oh! I didn’t see you there! What can I get for you today, Walls?
Answer 4-14 bf
FRANK: [Excited, with pep] These sorts of flowers, though they appear blue, don’t actually have any blue pigmentation! They have to grow in soil that is basic as well, so the pine straw should be left for the other beds-
BARNABY: [Interrupting, distant] You’re telling me that those flowers are liars, Franky?
FRANK: [Exasperated sigh] I am not telling you that these flowers are liars, Barnaby. I’m talking about how these flowers are specially selected to look this way.
BARNABY: Eh, bein’ blue isn’t anything special, pal. Don’t ya know that blue is all the rage nowadays?
FRANK: [Annoyed] I don’t think that people are painting themselves blue, frankly. Are you saying your fur color isn’t natural?
BARNABY: [Feigning insult] I beg your PARDON! I am a natural beauty as far as you know!
FRANK: I doubt you’re any sort of beagle. I’ve never seen any blue dog before in my life! Now if you don’t mind, we’d like to continue tending to my flowers in peace!
BARNABY: You’re gonna have to do more than tend to ‘em if you want ‘em to grow up nice and big. You know what they say, you gotta entertain your plants to make em happy!
FRANK: That’s true… but I am not going to let your snappy patter poison my petunias! I’d hardly call your material entertaining, much less fertilizer!
BARNABY: Oh, don’t you worry, Frank! The last thing I’ll do is overwhelm your orchids. Your plants all seem clover it!
FRANK: [Annoyed, groaning] Not with these puns again! You’re going to make all of my hard work wilt! Your humor is too dry for my impatiens!
BARNABY: Hey, hey! Not a daisy goes by where you don’t get impatient… but hey, I’m just pollen your leg!
FRANK: Will you just get out of here! My plants don’t need your ridiculous jokes to grow, go find an audience for your silly gags somewhere else!
BARNABY: [Backing away] Alright, alright I’ll grow… But every dogwood has his day! I’ll still poppy in from time to time, even if you’re still rough around the hedges!
[Frank grumbles loudly.]
FRANK: [Aggravated] Honestly with him! I don’t know how you can stand to be around him, Wally!
Answer 5-14 be
EDDIE: [Panting, out of breath; audio becoming closer] Hey hey! I’m-a comin’! Just be a second! I’ll be right there-
[Shouting as Eddie trips and falls.]
EDDIE: [Strained] Good night alive! I really ought to look at where my feet are goin’, huh? Oh, hold on, buddy! These are yours! I’d forgotten that I had em’ out to give em’ to ya! Thank the stars I hadn’t dropped nothin’ fragile… [Exhausted] Shoo-wee! I had no idea how late it had gotten! I’m plum tuckered after all of this runnin’ around. It aint’ even the first time I fell today! Ran into a few buildings on the way here, too… Y’know how Julie likes to do her drawin’ on the sidewalks n’ all? Well, she drew up a hopscotch on the curb this mornin’ and I just couldn’t help myself! I just had got to have a hop, skip, and a jump to start my day! I really am accident prone I figure… because my face ended up meetin’ the pavement. [Nervous laughter]
[Galloping sound in background, growing louder.]
EDDIE: I may have been ragged today and tossed around, but I’m still fair to middlin’! Even after that bowlin’ ball order… I suppose I don’t got much more runnin’ left to do today though! Unless ya got somethin’ for me to carry for ya! Is there any letter, package, or parcel you need me to run for ya- [suddenly anxious] wh-what are you lookin’ around me for?
BARNABY: [Panting, shouting in a full run] Mailman! You got any packages for little old me? My kazoo collection should have been in my mailbox today! Where is it?!
EDDIE: [Panicked, stuttering and off guard] N-now Barnaby, you know better! I have to put your mail in your mailbox! It’s policy!
BARNABY: You know a dog like me doesn’t do policy, pal! The only policy I follow is the creed all dogs follow: chasing your local mailman!
EDDIE: [More panicked, getting distant] Aw! I hate that policy! I’ll beat ya to your mailbox, lickity split! … If I don’t split my lickity!
BARNABY: [From afar] I was so close to dogpiling him! Next time, don’t give Eddie any hints, ey Wally!
Answer 6-14 jf
FRANK: …So they just won’t leave my tomatoes alone- And who am I to shoo them away? Isn’t a beetle just as permitted to partake of my plants as I am, Julie?
JULIE: Posilutely absotively, Frank!
FRANK: But I’ve taken such good care of them- I read to them every day, I water them the perfect amount-
JULIE: [She playfully accentuates his words, trying to mimic his annoyed tone] Oh you do! You pour a whole book on them and read them a water on their little heads and everything!
FRANK: [Exasperated] Julie! I’m serious!
JULIE: [Laughs] Oh, I’m sorry, Frank, I’m only teasing- You know, if this is bothering you so much, you should have a little sign just for those bugs! It can say, [Said with a lower pitched voice] ‘Terrific Tomatoes! Look but don’t touch!’
FRANK: [Sound of amusement.] What makes you think they’re going to be able to read all that?
JULIE: Well they’ve got big beautiful eyes, don’t they? Like big ol’... Saucer plates!
FRANK: Oh Julie! Don’t be so rude! You wouldn’t like it if they said that about you!
JULIE: Said what about me? How lovely my hair is? That I put just the right amount of polish on my horns?
FRANK: No, more like, ‘that Julie Joyful with her nose like an orange!’
JULIE: Oh? [Laughs] If they said that, they’d also probably say, ‘Oh! That Frank Frankly with that banana on his face!’
FRANK: Banana?! [Laughs] Well if they’re going to be so rude in my garden, maybe it’s best they don’t get to partake of any more tomatoes then!
JULIE: That’s right! [Thoughtful hum] Well… How are we going to keep them out? Maybe Howdy’s got something in his shop!
FRANK: Howdy is more inclined to sell us canned laughter than he is to sell us something actually useful! Besides… I don’t think he liked my rendition of A Flea and a Fly.
JULIE: Oh don’t you fret! I’m sure we can come up with a wonderful joke between the three of us! Isn’t that right, Wally?
Answer 7-14 ej
JULIE: …Which is why the pie-charts must be breen berry! Mr. Dear, write that down!
EDDIE: Breen berry… You know, Julie-
JULIE: AH AH! President Joyful!
EDDIE: Right, right, President Joyful- I don’t think breen berry’s a real berry- I mean- Shoot, what color even is breen?
JULIE: That’s classified, Mr. Dear! That’s why they pay me the Big schamzoolahs!
EDDIE: The what now? I ain’t getting paid in anything, let alone schamzo… schmozos… What’d you say again, President Joyful-
JULIE: SCHAMZOOLAHS!! DABOLOONS! SMOLLEONS! DINNER-OS! Can’t you see what this company is all about, Mr. Dear?!
EDDIE: [Meekly] Uh… Breen?
JULIE: NO! It’s about pie charts, big buildings, hot cakes, small stuffed bears, chalk, and houses!-
EDDIE: I don’t think any’a those things go together quite frankly-
JULIE: It’s about big suits and big hair and big voices! Mr. Dear, are you not confident in our business model!? You have good shoulders under your head, Mr. Dear, I would hate to see you canned!
EDDIE: [Seemingly genuinely fearful] Can me?! But you can’t fire me, it’s my first day on the job!
JULIE: Then you’d better straighten up and fly down, Mr. Dear, because the most important part about running a business is-
[Telephone rings; click as Julie picks up]
JULIE: Hello! President Joyful of Everything Incorporated! …. What? Mr. Billynilly, no… We’ve… We’re broke?! They’ve eaten all of our office supplies?! Even the staplers?! We’re out of business?!
[Julie wails dramatically; sound of rampage continues in background]
EDDIE: Whether letter or parcel, whether rain, snow or- Oh- I mean uh- Joyful residence, who may I ask is callin’? Oh Barn! Good to hear from you- Yeah, we’re playin’ business-something-or-another. Yep, I’d say we’re fresh outta… Whatever we were supposed to be sellin’. I think this time it was breen! …Oh? Yeah he’s right here! Phone call for you, Wally!
Answer 8-14 ef
FRANK: Hello? Mr. Dear? I’m here about your emergency!
EDDIE: [Heavy sigh of relief] Thank the stars you’re here, Frank- I mean, Mr. Frankly! We’re in a heap of trouble! There’s some kinda- You know, a- [Sputtering] A whatchamacallit in here!
FRANK: [Said with slight amusement] A whatchamacallit? I’m afraid I only deal with bugs, Mr. Dear!
EDDIE: A bug, a critter, a guest, a neighbor-! -Whatever it is, it’s upheavin’ my whole post office! Just look at what it’s done with the paper chains!
FRANK: It made these? It did a wonderful job! Maybe you should consider hiring it!
EDDIE: [He lets out a befuddled sound in his fit of exasperation and embarrassment] Real cute-! I’m bein’ serious, here!
FRANK: Oh there’s nothing to be so scared of- It’s more frightened of you than you are of it, you know.
EDDIE: [Shocked at the very idea] Scared?! Of a friendly guy like me? I wouldn’t even hurt a fly!
FRANK: [Teasingly said] I don’t think you could even look at a fly with how you’re hiding from this beetle.
EDDIE: [Another sound of embarrassment leaves him] Hey-! Don’t go knockin’ a fella down while he’s in a fit of desperation! If you had a rogue envelope fluttering around in your home, I’d get there lickety-split!
FRANK: I’ll take that into consideration next time that happens, Mr. Dear.
FRANK: See? Not so intimidating is it!
EDDIE: I suppose you’re right… But it’s easy for you to say, I don’t know these fellas on a first name basis like you do!
FRANK: You don’t need to be that familiar with them in order to get to know them better! They’re just like you or me- In fact… You’re not scared of them, are you, Wally!
Answer 9-14 fp
POPPY: …-Pumpkin seeds, sunflower seeds, and just a scoop of peanut butter! Gelatin works too, of course, but I always like to spoil myself with a little something extra, but that’s just between us!
FRANK: [He laughs with her.] Of course, I’m no gossip! I suppose gelatin can’t always be relied upon too… Still, I think it holds perfectly sliced fruit beautifully, I think that ought to mean something! You know what, Poppy, no one understands gelatin’s potential! It’s like they say, you eat with your eyes first!
POPPY: They do? Oh- Well- Now you’ve got me worried about this new recipe! It’s not very… Erm… Well, visually appealing.
FRANK: Oh no no, forget what I said! We’ve worked so hard on this- In fact, I bet these could be shaped with one of my copper molds!
POPPY: You’re right! Maybe that one you have shaped like a butterfly, Frank!
FRANK: Oh that’s right! Such a shame butterflies aren’t fond of seed- Or muffins for that matter… This recipe could have saved my garden.
POPPY: Oh dear… You know what? I’ll try to think up a recipe that’s sure to have them…! To make your butterflies do a… [Poppy hums in genuine thought.] Well, I’m not sure how to tell if a butterfly is happy...
FRANK: Whatever you decide to make will have them all aflutter, Poppy! I think our experiment is done too-
POPPY: You’re so kind to say that, Frank- O-Oh, be careful! I wouldn’t want you to burn yourself-
[Sound of tray being set down]
FRANK: I’m alright! You’ve taken all the necessary precautions to ensure my safety- Oven Mitts, aprons, a second pair of oven mitts-
POPPY: Perhaps we could use a third pair of oven mitts…
FRANK: Poppy.
POPPY: You’re working with such dangerous appliances! Who knows what could happen at a moment's notice! Oh goodness gracious, just thinking about it is making my feathers fall out-
FRANK: [Said reassuringly] No, no, no! Don’t get yourself started, Poppy! I would rather be careful than throw caution to the wind anyhow! Besides, we’re safe and sound here… Wouldn’t you agree, Wally?
Answer 10-14 js
SALLY: …Then the maiden fair with golden hair greets her kingdom and asserts herself as the new queen of her domain!
JULIE: [Clears her throat and begins to dramatically recite her lines] As queen of this land, my first decree… Is to make hopscotch mandatory every day! Two pebbles! All the way up to twenty! No- Thirty spaces!
SALLY: Hopscotch? [Sound of flipping through papers] That’s not in the script-
JULIE: My second decree is filling our moat with scrumptious breenberry ice cream! Up to the top! Enough for all of the citizens to enjoy!
SALLY: …B-Breenberry? [Sound of pages flying in the air] What is breen? Juliet Joyful!
JULIE: For my third decree-
SALLY: JULIE!
JULIE: SALLY!
SALLY: Those are not the words! You’ve gone so far off of the script that… That I’m not sure where we are anymore!
JULIE: Ooh, don’t worry! I know where we are, Silly! We’re in the Kingdom of Sweets, remember? I’m the beautiful maiden fair with the golden hair- The princess of pastries!
SALLY: Yes, yes-
JULIE: Who is now the Queen of Pastries! [Her tone quickens] After a series of events where her father, the King of Cake, gets eaten by a big beastly billowing bear made of broccoli! Oh Sally, that scene was so sad!
SALLY: The story, Juliet, the story!
JULIE: Oh right, right! So after I show him who's boss, I go back to my palace and take back my throne!
SALLY: If you know the story this well, then why would the Queen want to fill her moat with breenberry ice cream or declare a hopscotch law after enduring a harrowing journey of self discovery and vengeance!?
JULIE: Oh! I don’t know! She just seems like a fun lady!
SALLY: [Hums in thought] …I suppose indulging in the finer things in life would make her character more well-rounded… Alright, Juliet, proceed!
JULIE: Thank you, Sally! [Clears throat] For my third decree… You all have to listen to me recite my favorite colors in order of my most favorite color to my least favorite! Starting… now! Pink, Yellow, Red… No no, Green? Blue… Orange, Breen… [Continues in background]
SALLY: [Sighs] Such is the life of artistic collaboration! Wouldn’t you agree, Walliford?
Answer 11-14 jb
JULIE: …Well I think I’m plenty funny, Barnaby! Frank thinks I’m a hoot and a half!
BARNABY: Only a hoot and a half? What happened to the other half? [Laughs]
JULIE: [Sound of indignation] Oh, you-!
BARNABY: Sides, Frank wouldn’t know a good joke if it walked up to him, introduced itself, and handed him its business card! Punch line and all!
JULIE: [Said with a pout in her tone] He would too! You know, Barnaby, you’re not the only funny one in this neighborhood!
BARNABY: Oh yeah? You might be right, Julie! Howdy’s a pretty funny fella too-
JULIE: Not Howdy! Me! I have a joke that will knock your hat off! I’ve been working on it all week!
BARNABY: [Snorts in amusement] Hoo boy, all week? It took you that long? You hearin’ this, little buddy?
JULIE: Oh, I’ll show you, Barnaby! [Clears throat] What did the number three say to the number two after beating him in a game of checkers?
BARNABY: Oh no, here it comes-
JULIE: I One!
BARNABY: [Pretend howl of pain] That was just doggone terrible! Just pawful! I think I’m gonna need a doggy bag!
JULIE: Oh it was not, Barnaby! It was a good joke! Don’t you get it? One is a number but it also sounds like won! You know, when you won a game!
BARNABY: [Another bark of anguish] Now she’s explainin’ it! Oh- When will the agony stop?! I’m just a little pooch in peril! Bury me in my favorite sunny spot, kid, I’m goin’ into the light!
JULIE: Oh Barnaby, you’re just rotten! It was too a funny joke! Wasn’t it, Wally?!
Answer 12-14 hb
HOWDY: …So my brother Charlie tells my sister Dolly that our brother Barley’s cousin Henry is turnin’ over a new leaf! But if ya ask me, Barn, a caterpillar’s always turnin’ over leaves! …We just call it a salad!
BARNABY: So you don’t believe the poor guy? Sounds like you’re just given’ him the short end of the stick.
HOWDY: Short end of the- [Befuddled sound] We’ve given that clown the whole branch!
BARNABY: So he’s a clown too? Now you’re speakin’ my language, Howdy!
HOWDY: You wouldn’t believe what happened next- So my brother Chuck wished our brother Buck good luck on gettin’ that cluck Henry to straighten up and fly right!
BARNABY: Fly? Wait, wait, wait- he’s a butterfly? I thought he was a caterpillar!
HOWDY: [Lets out a small laugh but quickly catches himself, tutting Barnaby] You’re bein’ a wise guy, Barn, but I’m serious! Then- You’re not gonna believe this- Outta the blue comes our sister Sue and her brother Drew talking to my sister Dolly about gettin’ Henry on a trolley to see our aunt Molly-
BARNABY: Woolly Aunt Molly?
HOWDY: Woolly Aunt Molly, Barn! On my father’s left hand side- My left, not yours! Maybe… My upper left hand-side!
BARNABY: [A hint of playful sarcasm] How could I get that confused?
HOWDY: But long story short- Molly tells Henry to listen to our cousin Barley and my brother Charlie who insist they’re through with my sister Sue and her brother Drew and to get back on that trolley and talk to Dolly about gettin’ his act together!
BARNABY: Oh brother-
HOWDY: No no, Dolly’s my sister!
[A brief pause, then both start laughing uproariously]
HOWDY: [Slowly winding down laughter] I know I can always talk to you, Barn. I tell ya, havin’ a big family ain’t easy- Too many things to keep track of.
BARNABY: You’re right about that- I’m just listenin’ in and I can barely keep track! The only family I got to keep track of is my dear, sweet Mama.
HOWDY: That’s right- Y’know, next time she comes around, you oughta let me serve her one of my strawberry soda pops!
BARNABY: Nobody makes ‘em like you do, pal. Speaking of which… How’s that drink treating you, Wally?
Answer 13-14 he
EDDIE: [Thud as he runs into wall] Oh- Pardon me, ma’am!
HOWDY: Well if it isn’t our reliable mailman! Either that or my delivery decided to sprout legs and go for a walk!
EDDIE: [Grunt, running into another wall] Nope! It’s me! Sorry, I think I might’ve overestimated how much to bring at a time, Howdy!
HOWDY: [Snorts] No kiddin’. [Sound of Eddie struggling] Say, Ed, how about you give my goods a break from your fumbling before they turn into bads.
EDDIE: Oh right! [Grunts; sound of boxes being set down] Sorry about that, Howdy- I guess I’m just in a rush today- I’m a little behind with my delivery run-
HOWDY: [Feigning interest] You don’t say.
EDDIE: I do say! I feel like I’m gettin’ tossed around by my own parcels- What kind of life is that for a mailman?
HOWDY: [Only partially listening] No life at all, Ed!
EDDIE: But before you know it, I’ll be back on schedule and back at the Post Office! I just got a new set’a stamps I’ve been trying to organize! I can never decide between color and shape- [Small "oh" of realization] Sign here, please!
HOWDY: Sounds like a busy day ahead of you, Ed! Speakin’ of busy- You reminded me about a special order I need delivered!
EDDIE: Oh no- Don’t tell me… It’s the bowling balls Julie ordered…
HOWDY: [Overlapping with Eddie’s exact words] It’s the bowling balls Julie ordered!
[Sound of box of bowling balls slamming down on the counter]
EDDIE: …Right! You got it, Howdy! [Pained sound; strained as he continues to talk] I’ll get ‘em to her faster than a-
HOWDY: Faster than a bee carryin’ wax to a honeycomb! Sounds good! Make sure it gets to Jewels all in one piece!
EDDIE: [Befuddled, struggling] R-Right! …Can bowling balls break? Er- Uh- Have a good day, you two!
HOWDY: You have a good one too, Ed! [Long pause, laugh] Boy, that fella can talk your ear off. Let’s hope he doesn’t run into anybody with that order, ey, Walls?
Answer 14-14 he
BARNABY: …So I tells him… I’m just pollen your leg! Boy, ya should’a seen him, Home, I had the poor guy’s head turnin’ like a merry-go-round!
HOME: [Sounds of banging can be heard, sort of like laughter]
BARNABY: Yeah, he’s a real sour puss. No wonder Julie can’t tell a good joke, she’s got a sense of humor only Frank could love. Did I tell ya that joke she gave me? Somethin’ about a three that one? I oughta be a good sum-maritan and teach her a thing or two about puns!
HOME: [Shutters creak]
BARNABY: What!? You didn’t like that one! I came up with that on the fly! That oughta be worth somethin’! Speakin’ of flies- Howdy was goin’ on and on about his family today. The poor guy’s got more family members than a caterpillar’s got legs! If I’m countin’ Howdy’s, that’s at least four!
HOME: [Lets out an inquisitive door squeak]
BARNABY: Hey, unless he’s walkin’ on all fours like moi, then I don’t count arms! …That reminds me- Eddie’s been gettin’ better at runnin’! Especially for a guy with only two legs! Still scares easier than my Mama, though- And she’s a real chicken! [He laughs at his own joke]
HOME: [Opens and closes its door judgmentally]
BARNABY: Hey-! I chased him down for a good reason! My kazoos were supposed to come today! …Which they didn’t. If ya think about it, I’m the poor guy that deserves an apology here! I ran after that mailman all through the neighborhood and with nothin’ to show for it!
HOME: [Windows open and shut, a bit like laughter]
BARNABY: Yeah, yeah, real funny! A poor little guy like me deserves some sympathy! A clown without a kazoo is like… Like an artist without his paintbrush! Go on kid, tell ‘em!
…Hello? Buddy? Pal?
…Hey, you stopped paintin’. Everything alright, Wally?
submitted by KillerSpy45 to WelcomeHomeARG [link] [comments]
Answer 1-14 ph
Sound of Poppy knitting and humming. Door slams open and Poppy yelps.]
HOWDY: [Shouting, audio getting closer as he walks in] Delivery here, I’ve got a delivery here for one Ms. Partridge!! Courtesy of Howdy’s Dependable Door-to-Door-to-Door Delivery service!
POPPY: [Overlapping his dialogue slightly] Oh-!! Oh my feathers, Howdy, you frightened me!!
HOWDY: Terribly sorry, ma’am, suppose I shoulda knocked--
POPPY: Oh, no, no, that would’ve frightened me too. Oh, is that my order of yarn? Thank you!!
[Sound of a rustling paper bag.]
HOWDY: It sure is, Poppy! Hot off the shelves, just the way you like ‘em! Boy, looks like you already got a horde here that’d make a dragon jealous! Whatcha need even more yarn for? Not that I’ll turn down a sale, heh-heh.
POPPY: Oh, just working on some scarves and sweaters and such. I want everyone in the neighborhood to have something warm to wear when winter comes along-- it feels like these changing seasons keep sneaking up on me!
HOWDY: Ha, I hear that! Never enough daylight to get everything done. Course, it helps to have an extra pair of hands!
[Howdy laughs at his own joke; there’s a smaller, polite Poppy laugh underneath.]
HOWDY: [Coming down from laughing] Hah… seems like you know that already, though. I can see you’ve recruited an extra pair of your own today!
POPPY: Oh, y-yes! [Aside voice] Thank you again for your help, dear-- [directed towards Howdy again] And thank goodness for it. I was worried I was going to get all tangled up with all these colors of yarn…!
HOWDY: Hmm, I can see why. It’s a real risk!
POPPY: I-it is??
HOWDY: Well, sure! But lucky for you, I think I might have something to help… behold!
[There’s the sound of a hand-crank mixer rotating, followed by a terrified Poppy squawk.]
HOWDY: No no, nothing to fear here!! What you’re looking at is a bona-fide yarn spinner, perfect for keeping all your extra neatly spooled up! Safe, effective, and-- [crank sound again as he demonstrates] no pesky batteries or electricity to fret over!
POPPY: Oh! Well, that-- that does sound helpful, doesn’t it…
HOWDY: Sure does!! Here, tell you what-- today only, as an extra-special deal for an extra-special customer, you can give ‘er a whirl! No strings attached! Well, no strings but the yarn, that is, ha HA!!
[As he’s speaking, there’s some quiet “oh, I, well” type stammering from Poppy.]
HOWDY: Well, I’ve already overstayed my welcome-- got a whole shipment back at the shop I’ve gotta sign for! I’ll check in on you and your new wonder-device next time I bring you an order, Poppy. Till then!
POPPY: Oh, b-b-b-but-- [Howdy’s footsteps fade out and the door closes; resigned] …all right then. [heavy sigh] Oh-- oh, I don’t know how to work these things, but, well, he was so insistent it’d be helpful… Do you think you can help me figure this thing out, Wally?
Answer 2-14 sp
SALLY: Oh, I’m sure it is, darling! Now, let’s get down to brass tacks.
POPPY: Oh, ah, well, I don’t think I have any of those - I don’t like to keep anything too sharp around here, you know–
SALLY: Details, Poppy dear, details.
POPPY: Ah! Of course. Of course! N-now then, what do you think you’d like?
SALLY: What would I like? Poppy, this is going to be on stage. It’s hardly a like, it’s a need. And it NEEDS to be BIG! BOLD!!
POPPY: Ah, b-big, big, yes… maybe, three tiers, then?
SALLY: Only three? Hah!! Dream bigger, Poppy!!
POPPY: O-o-oh, ah, um-- y-yes, yes, suppose it is a big neighborhood, better to play it safe-- [little chuckle] and you, ah, you do know I love to play it safe, dear!
SALLY: Ah, ah, ah, but not too safe! After all, this needs to be a showstopper! It needs to have beauty! Pizzazz! DANGER!
POPPY: D-danger? Oh, oh, oh my feathers, I don’t know how I feel about making a dangerous cake…
SALLY: Ahh, tut-tut-tut, my feathered friend! You’ll do great, I’m certain of it. There’s no one else in the neighborhood I would trust with this! [under breath] And not just because you’re the only one here who can make something that doesn’t come out of a gelatin mold.
POPPY: Oh-!! A-a-ah, well, goodness me-- you’re going to make me blush!
SALLY: [Satisfied chuckle] So! I take it you have everything you need?
POPPY: Oh-- um-- w-well, er, not quite-- see, when I asked what you’d like, I thought, maybe, you would have a flavor in mind…?
SALLY: A what?
POPPY: W-well, a flavor. You know, ah, we could do chocolate, or vanilla, or sprinkles, buttercream, butterbell, butterscotch…
SALLY: Oh. Hm. To be honest with you, I didn’t think that far.
POPPY: …you didn’t think about the flavor?
SALLY: [Lightly defensive] Well the audience can’t taste it from their seats, now can they?? Ohh. What do you think, Wally?
Answer 3-14 hs
SALLY: Hm… Do I want potatoes again? Or do I want chips…
HOWDY: Heh, well when the chips are down, they’re both sorta the same!
SALLY: To an ordinary person, maybe, but chips are a bit heavy for a performer… I don’t want to get a stitch while I’m rehearsing my dance moves, and it slows down my creative thinking! No no, boiled potatoes it must be again. [Said with a touch of sadness]
HOWDY: Well shucks Sally, if you’re looking for a healthy change for a gal on the go, [Sound of box on counter] look no further than this sensational new instant mash!
SALLY: Instant?
HOWDY: Or faster! Guaranteed! All y’do is add water n’ whoosh! A FLUFFY mashed ‘tater masterpiece! Dinner for one, three, twenty, cast of thousands, whatever ya want. They’re lighter than air too, won’t weigh you down- or your wallet. I give it my five star rating, and those’re the golden kind!
SALLY: Oh! My! That does sound convenient, especially with my hectic schedule- let’s see… Bubble Blast Soap Flakes. What a strange name!
HOWDY: Aha yeah, it’s a… marketing thing. Makes them sound squeaky clean for your diet, hey?
SALLY: Why yes, I suppose it does! Alright then-
[Sound of Howdy packing groceries.]
SALLY:I’ll take one of those boxes of ‘Bubble Blast instant mash’… [HOWDY: “mhm”] …a bag of Old McDonald’s porridge oats… [HOWDY: “Oats…”] …one loaf of Bouncy Yellow Bread… [HOWDY: “One Large Sponge…”] …and a box of that nice new Sunshine Cereal you introduced me to last week. [HOWDY: “Woodchips n sawdust.”]
HOWDY: [Normal volume] Good choices are the only choices you can make in this store, but you’ve got a knack none-the-less, Miss Starlet!
SALLY: Oh! And a pint of milk, thank you.
[Sound of register, Howdy handing over groceries.]
HOWDY: There y’go! Service with a smile! Oh! I didn’t see you there! What can I get for you today, Walls?
Answer 4-14 bf
FRANK: [Excited, with pep] These sorts of flowers, though they appear blue, don’t actually have any blue pigmentation! They have to grow in soil that is basic as well, so the pine straw should be left for the other beds-
BARNABY: [Interrupting, distant] You’re telling me that those flowers are liars, Franky?
FRANK: [Exasperated sigh] I am not telling you that these flowers are liars, Barnaby. I’m talking about how these flowers are specially selected to look this way.
BARNABY: Eh, bein’ blue isn’t anything special, pal. Don’t ya know that blue is all the rage nowadays?
FRANK: [Annoyed] I don’t think that people are painting themselves blue, frankly. Are you saying your fur color isn’t natural?
BARNABY: [Feigning insult] I beg your PARDON! I am a natural beauty as far as you know!
FRANK: I doubt you’re any sort of beagle. I’ve never seen any blue dog before in my life! Now if you don’t mind, we’d like to continue tending to my flowers in peace!
BARNABY: You’re gonna have to do more than tend to ‘em if you want ‘em to grow up nice and big. You know what they say, you gotta entertain your plants to make em happy!
FRANK: That’s true… but I am not going to let your snappy patter poison my petunias! I’d hardly call your material entertaining, much less fertilizer!
BARNABY: Oh, don’t you worry, Frank! The last thing I’ll do is overwhelm your orchids. Your plants all seem clover it!
FRANK: [Annoyed, groaning] Not with these puns again! You’re going to make all of my hard work wilt! Your humor is too dry for my impatiens!
BARNABY: Hey, hey! Not a daisy goes by where you don’t get impatient… but hey, I’m just pollen your leg!
FRANK: Will you just get out of here! My plants don’t need your ridiculous jokes to grow, go find an audience for your silly gags somewhere else!
BARNABY: [Backing away] Alright, alright I’ll grow… But every dogwood has his day! I’ll still poppy in from time to time, even if you’re still rough around the hedges!
[Frank grumbles loudly.]
FRANK: [Aggravated] Honestly with him! I don’t know how you can stand to be around him, Wally!
Answer 5-14 be
EDDIE: [Panting, out of breath; audio becoming closer] Hey hey! I’m-a comin’! Just be a second! I’ll be right there-
[Shouting as Eddie trips and falls.]
EDDIE: [Strained] Good night alive! I really ought to look at where my feet are goin’, huh? Oh, hold on, buddy! These are yours! I’d forgotten that I had em’ out to give em’ to ya! Thank the stars I hadn’t dropped nothin’ fragile… [Exhausted] Shoo-wee! I had no idea how late it had gotten! I’m plum tuckered after all of this runnin’ around. It aint’ even the first time I fell today! Ran into a few buildings on the way here, too… Y’know how Julie likes to do her drawin’ on the sidewalks n’ all? Well, she drew up a hopscotch on the curb this mornin’ and I just couldn’t help myself! I just had got to have a hop, skip, and a jump to start my day! I really am accident prone I figure… because my face ended up meetin’ the pavement. [Nervous laughter]
[Galloping sound in background, growing louder.]
EDDIE: I may have been ragged today and tossed around, but I’m still fair to middlin’! Even after that bowlin’ ball order… I suppose I don’t got much more runnin’ left to do today though! Unless ya got somethin’ for me to carry for ya! Is there any letter, package, or parcel you need me to run for ya- [suddenly anxious] wh-what are you lookin’ around me for?
BARNABY: [Panting, shouting in a full run] Mailman! You got any packages for little old me? My kazoo collection should have been in my mailbox today! Where is it?!
EDDIE: [Panicked, stuttering and off guard] N-now Barnaby, you know better! I have to put your mail in your mailbox! It’s policy!
BARNABY: You know a dog like me doesn’t do policy, pal! The only policy I follow is the creed all dogs follow: chasing your local mailman!
EDDIE: [More panicked, getting distant] Aw! I hate that policy! I’ll beat ya to your mailbox, lickity split! … If I don’t split my lickity!
BARNABY: [From afar] I was so close to dogpiling him! Next time, don’t give Eddie any hints, ey Wally!
Answer 6-14 jf
FRANK: …So they just won’t leave my tomatoes alone- And who am I to shoo them away? Isn’t a beetle just as permitted to partake of my plants as I am, Julie?
JULIE: Posilutely absotively, Frank!
FRANK: But I’ve taken such good care of them- I read to them every day, I water them the perfect amount-
JULIE: [She playfully accentuates his words, trying to mimic his annoyed tone] Oh you do! You pour a whole book on them and read them a water on their little heads and everything!
FRANK: [Exasperated] Julie! I’m serious!
JULIE: [Laughs] Oh, I’m sorry, Frank, I’m only teasing- You know, if this is bothering you so much, you should have a little sign just for those bugs! It can say, [Said with a lower pitched voice] ‘Terrific Tomatoes! Look but don’t touch!’
FRANK: [Sound of amusement.] What makes you think they’re going to be able to read all that?
JULIE: Well they’ve got big beautiful eyes, don’t they? Like big ol’... Saucer plates!
FRANK: Oh Julie! Don’t be so rude! You wouldn’t like it if they said that about you!
JULIE: Said what about me? How lovely my hair is? That I put just the right amount of polish on my horns?
FRANK: No, more like, ‘that Julie Joyful with her nose like an orange!’
JULIE: Oh? [Laughs] If they said that, they’d also probably say, ‘Oh! That Frank Frankly with that banana on his face!’
FRANK: Banana?! [Laughs] Well if they’re going to be so rude in my garden, maybe it’s best they don’t get to partake of any more tomatoes then!
JULIE: That’s right! [Thoughtful hum] Well… How are we going to keep them out? Maybe Howdy’s got something in his shop!
FRANK: Howdy is more inclined to sell us canned laughter than he is to sell us something actually useful! Besides… I don’t think he liked my rendition of A Flea and a Fly.
JULIE: Oh don’t you fret! I’m sure we can come up with a wonderful joke between the three of us! Isn’t that right, Wally?
Answer 7-14 ej
JULIE: …Which is why the pie-charts must be breen berry! Mr. Dear, write that down!
EDDIE: Breen berry… You know, Julie-
JULIE: AH AH! President Joyful!
EDDIE: Right, right, President Joyful- I don’t think breen berry’s a real berry- I mean- Shoot, what color even is breen?
JULIE: That’s classified, Mr. Dear! That’s why they pay me the Big schamzoolahs!
EDDIE: The what now? I ain’t getting paid in anything, let alone schamzo… schmozos… What’d you say again, President Joyful-
JULIE: SCHAMZOOLAHS!! DABOLOONS! SMOLLEONS! DINNER-OS! Can’t you see what this company is all about, Mr. Dear?!
EDDIE: [Meekly] Uh… Breen?
JULIE: NO! It’s about pie charts, big buildings, hot cakes, small stuffed bears, chalk, and houses!-
EDDIE: I don’t think any’a those things go together quite frankly-
JULIE: It’s about big suits and big hair and big voices! Mr. Dear, are you not confident in our business model!? You have good shoulders under your head, Mr. Dear, I would hate to see you canned!
EDDIE: [Seemingly genuinely fearful] Can me?! But you can’t fire me, it’s my first day on the job!
JULIE: Then you’d better straighten up and fly down, Mr. Dear, because the most important part about running a business is-
[Telephone rings; click as Julie picks up]
JULIE: Hello! President Joyful of Everything Incorporated! …. What? Mr. Billynilly, no… We’ve… We’re broke?! They’ve eaten all of our office supplies?! Even the staplers?! We’re out of business?!
[Julie wails dramatically; sound of rampage continues in background]
EDDIE: Whether letter or parcel, whether rain, snow or- Oh- I mean uh- Joyful residence, who may I ask is callin’? Oh Barn! Good to hear from you- Yeah, we’re playin’ business-something-or-another. Yep, I’d say we’re fresh outta… Whatever we were supposed to be sellin’. I think this time it was breen! …Oh? Yeah he’s right here! Phone call for you, Wally!
Answer 8-14 ef
FRANK: Hello? Mr. Dear? I’m here about your emergency!
EDDIE: [Heavy sigh of relief] Thank the stars you’re here, Frank- I mean, Mr. Frankly! We’re in a heap of trouble! There’s some kinda- You know, a- [Sputtering] A whatchamacallit in here!
FRANK: [Said with slight amusement] A whatchamacallit? I’m afraid I only deal with bugs, Mr. Dear!
EDDIE: A bug, a critter, a guest, a neighbor-! -Whatever it is, it’s upheavin’ my whole post office! Just look at what it’s done with the paper chains!
FRANK: It made these? It did a wonderful job! Maybe you should consider hiring it!
EDDIE: [He lets out a befuddled sound in his fit of exasperation and embarrassment] Real cute-! I’m bein’ serious, here!
FRANK: Oh there’s nothing to be so scared of- It’s more frightened of you than you are of it, you know.
EDDIE: [Shocked at the very idea] Scared?! Of a friendly guy like me? I wouldn’t even hurt a fly!
FRANK: [Teasingly said] I don’t think you could even look at a fly with how you’re hiding from this beetle.
EDDIE: [Another sound of embarrassment leaves him] Hey-! Don’t go knockin’ a fella down while he’s in a fit of desperation! If you had a rogue envelope fluttering around in your home, I’d get there lickety-split!
FRANK: I’ll take that into consideration next time that happens, Mr. Dear.
FRANK: See? Not so intimidating is it!
EDDIE: I suppose you’re right… But it’s easy for you to say, I don’t know these fellas on a first name basis like you do!
FRANK: You don’t need to be that familiar with them in order to get to know them better! They’re just like you or me- In fact… You’re not scared of them, are you, Wally!
Answer 9-14 fp
POPPY: …-Pumpkin seeds, sunflower seeds, and just a scoop of peanut butter! Gelatin works too, of course, but I always like to spoil myself with a little something extra, but that’s just between us!
FRANK: [He laughs with her.] Of course, I’m no gossip! I suppose gelatin can’t always be relied upon too… Still, I think it holds perfectly sliced fruit beautifully, I think that ought to mean something! You know what, Poppy, no one understands gelatin’s potential! It’s like they say, you eat with your eyes first!
POPPY: They do? Oh- Well- Now you’ve got me worried about this new recipe! It’s not very… Erm… Well, visually appealing.
FRANK: Oh no no, forget what I said! We’ve worked so hard on this- In fact, I bet these could be shaped with one of my copper molds!
POPPY: You’re right! Maybe that one you have shaped like a butterfly, Frank!
FRANK: Oh that’s right! Such a shame butterflies aren’t fond of seed- Or muffins for that matter… This recipe could have saved my garden.
POPPY: Oh dear… You know what? I’ll try to think up a recipe that’s sure to have them…! To make your butterflies do a… [Poppy hums in genuine thought.] Well, I’m not sure how to tell if a butterfly is happy...
FRANK: Whatever you decide to make will have them all aflutter, Poppy! I think our experiment is done too-
POPPY: You’re so kind to say that, Frank- O-Oh, be careful! I wouldn’t want you to burn yourself-
[Sound of tray being set down]
FRANK: I’m alright! You’ve taken all the necessary precautions to ensure my safety- Oven Mitts, aprons, a second pair of oven mitts-
POPPY: Perhaps we could use a third pair of oven mitts…
FRANK: Poppy.
POPPY: You’re working with such dangerous appliances! Who knows what could happen at a moment's notice! Oh goodness gracious, just thinking about it is making my feathers fall out-
FRANK: [Said reassuringly] No, no, no! Don’t get yourself started, Poppy! I would rather be careful than throw caution to the wind anyhow! Besides, we’re safe and sound here… Wouldn’t you agree, Wally?
Answer 10-14 js
SALLY: …Then the maiden fair with golden hair greets her kingdom and asserts herself as the new queen of her domain!
JULIE: [Clears her throat and begins to dramatically recite her lines] As queen of this land, my first decree… Is to make hopscotch mandatory every day! Two pebbles! All the way up to twenty! No- Thirty spaces!
SALLY: Hopscotch? [Sound of flipping through papers] That’s not in the script-
JULIE: My second decree is filling our moat with scrumptious breenberry ice cream! Up to the top! Enough for all of the citizens to enjoy!
SALLY: …B-Breenberry? [Sound of pages flying in the air] What is breen? Juliet Joyful!
JULIE: For my third decree-
SALLY: JULIE!
JULIE: SALLY!
SALLY: Those are not the words! You’ve gone so far off of the script that… That I’m not sure where we are anymore!
JULIE: Ooh, don’t worry! I know where we are, Silly! We’re in the Kingdom of Sweets, remember? I’m the beautiful maiden fair with the golden hair- The princess of pastries!
SALLY: Yes, yes-
JULIE: Who is now the Queen of Pastries! [Her tone quickens] After a series of events where her father, the King of Cake, gets eaten by a big beastly billowing bear made of broccoli! Oh Sally, that scene was so sad!
SALLY: The story, Juliet, the story!
JULIE: Oh right, right! So after I show him who's boss, I go back to my palace and take back my throne!
SALLY: If you know the story this well, then why would the Queen want to fill her moat with breenberry ice cream or declare a hopscotch law after enduring a harrowing journey of self discovery and vengeance!?
JULIE: Oh! I don’t know! She just seems like a fun lady!
SALLY: [Hums in thought] …I suppose indulging in the finer things in life would make her character more well-rounded… Alright, Juliet, proceed!
JULIE: Thank you, Sally! [Clears throat] For my third decree… You all have to listen to me recite my favorite colors in order of my most favorite color to my least favorite! Starting… now! Pink, Yellow, Red… No no, Green? Blue… Orange, Breen… [Continues in background]
SALLY: [Sighs] Such is the life of artistic collaboration! Wouldn’t you agree, Walliford?
Answer 11-14 jb
JULIE: …Well I think I’m plenty funny, Barnaby! Frank thinks I’m a hoot and a half!
BARNABY: Only a hoot and a half? What happened to the other half? [Laughs]
JULIE: [Sound of indignation] Oh, you-!
BARNABY: Sides, Frank wouldn’t know a good joke if it walked up to him, introduced itself, and handed him its business card! Punch line and all!
JULIE: [Said with a pout in her tone] He would too! You know, Barnaby, you’re not the only funny one in this neighborhood!
BARNABY: Oh yeah? You might be right, Julie! Howdy’s a pretty funny fella too-
JULIE: Not Howdy! Me! I have a joke that will knock your hat off! I’ve been working on it all week!
BARNABY: [Snorts in amusement] Hoo boy, all week? It took you that long? You hearin’ this, little buddy?
JULIE: Oh, I’ll show you, Barnaby! [Clears throat] What did the number three say to the number two after beating him in a game of checkers?
BARNABY: Oh no, here it comes-
JULIE: I One!
BARNABY: [Pretend howl of pain] That was just doggone terrible! Just pawful! I think I’m gonna need a doggy bag!
JULIE: Oh it was not, Barnaby! It was a good joke! Don’t you get it? One is a number but it also sounds like won! You know, when you won a game!
BARNABY: [Another bark of anguish] Now she’s explainin’ it! Oh- When will the agony stop?! I’m just a little pooch in peril! Bury me in my favorite sunny spot, kid, I’m goin’ into the light!
JULIE: Oh Barnaby, you’re just rotten! It was too a funny joke! Wasn’t it, Wally?!
Answer 12-14 hb
HOWDY: …So my brother Charlie tells my sister Dolly that our brother Barley’s cousin Henry is turnin’ over a new leaf! But if ya ask me, Barn, a caterpillar’s always turnin’ over leaves! …We just call it a salad!
BARNABY: So you don’t believe the poor guy? Sounds like you’re just given’ him the short end of the stick.
HOWDY: Short end of the- [Befuddled sound] We’ve given that clown the whole branch!
BARNABY: So he’s a clown too? Now you’re speakin’ my language, Howdy!
HOWDY: You wouldn’t believe what happened next- So my brother Chuck wished our brother Buck good luck on gettin’ that cluck Henry to straighten up and fly right!
BARNABY: Fly? Wait, wait, wait- he’s a butterfly? I thought he was a caterpillar!
HOWDY: [Lets out a small laugh but quickly catches himself, tutting Barnaby] You’re bein’ a wise guy, Barn, but I’m serious! Then- You’re not gonna believe this- Outta the blue comes our sister Sue and her brother Drew talking to my sister Dolly about gettin’ Henry on a trolley to see our aunt Molly-
BARNABY: Woolly Aunt Molly?
HOWDY: Woolly Aunt Molly, Barn! On my father’s left hand side- My left, not yours! Maybe… My upper left hand-side!
BARNABY: [A hint of playful sarcasm] How could I get that confused?
HOWDY: But long story short- Molly tells Henry to listen to our cousin Barley and my brother Charlie who insist they’re through with my sister Sue and her brother Drew and to get back on that trolley and talk to Dolly about gettin’ his act together!
BARNABY: Oh brother-
HOWDY: No no, Dolly’s my sister!
[A brief pause, then both start laughing uproariously]
HOWDY: [Slowly winding down laughter] I know I can always talk to you, Barn. I tell ya, havin’ a big family ain’t easy- Too many things to keep track of.
BARNABY: You’re right about that- I’m just listenin’ in and I can barely keep track! The only family I got to keep track of is my dear, sweet Mama.
HOWDY: That’s right- Y’know, next time she comes around, you oughta let me serve her one of my strawberry soda pops!
BARNABY: Nobody makes ‘em like you do, pal. Speaking of which… How’s that drink treating you, Wally?
Answer 13-14 he
EDDIE: [Thud as he runs into wall] Oh- Pardon me, ma’am!
HOWDY: Well if it isn’t our reliable mailman! Either that or my delivery decided to sprout legs and go for a walk!
EDDIE: [Grunt, running into another wall] Nope! It’s me! Sorry, I think I might’ve overestimated how much to bring at a time, Howdy!
HOWDY: [Snorts] No kiddin’. [Sound of Eddie struggling] Say, Ed, how about you give my goods a break from your fumbling before they turn into bads.
EDDIE: Oh right! [Grunts; sound of boxes being set down] Sorry about that, Howdy- I guess I’m just in a rush today- I’m a little behind with my delivery run-
HOWDY: [Feigning interest] You don’t say.
EDDIE: I do say! I feel like I’m gettin’ tossed around by my own parcels- What kind of life is that for a mailman?
HOWDY: [Only partially listening] No life at all, Ed!
EDDIE: But before you know it, I’ll be back on schedule and back at the Post Office! I just got a new set’a stamps I’ve been trying to organize! I can never decide between color and shape- [Small "oh" of realization] Sign here, please!
HOWDY: Sounds like a busy day ahead of you, Ed! Speakin’ of busy- You reminded me about a special order I need delivered!
EDDIE: Oh no- Don’t tell me… It’s the bowling balls Julie ordered…
HOWDY: [Overlapping with Eddie’s exact words] It’s the bowling balls Julie ordered!
[Sound of box of bowling balls slamming down on the counter]
EDDIE: …Right! You got it, Howdy! [Pained sound; strained as he continues to talk] I’ll get ‘em to her faster than a-
HOWDY: Faster than a bee carryin’ wax to a honeycomb! Sounds good! Make sure it gets to Jewels all in one piece!
EDDIE: [Befuddled, struggling] R-Right! …Can bowling balls break? Er- Uh- Have a good day, you two!
HOWDY: You have a good one too, Ed! [Long pause, laugh] Boy, that fella can talk your ear off. Let’s hope he doesn’t run into anybody with that order, ey, Walls?
Answer 14-14 he
BARNABY: …So I tells him… I’m just pollen your leg! Boy, ya should’a seen him, Home, I had the poor guy’s head turnin’ like a merry-go-round!
HOME: [Sounds of banging can be heard, sort of like laughter]
BARNABY: Yeah, he’s a real sour puss. No wonder Julie can’t tell a good joke, she’s got a sense of humor only Frank could love. Did I tell ya that joke she gave me? Somethin’ about a three that one? I oughta be a good sum-maritan and teach her a thing or two about puns!
HOME: [Shutters creak]
BARNABY: What!? You didn’t like that one! I came up with that on the fly! That oughta be worth somethin’! Speakin’ of flies- Howdy was goin’ on and on about his family today. The poor guy’s got more family members than a caterpillar’s got legs! If I’m countin’ Howdy’s, that’s at least four!
HOME: [Lets out an inquisitive door squeak]
BARNABY: Hey, unless he’s walkin’ on all fours like moi, then I don’t count arms! …That reminds me- Eddie’s been gettin’ better at runnin’! Especially for a guy with only two legs! Still scares easier than my Mama, though- And she’s a real chicken! [He laughs at his own joke]
HOME: [Opens and closes its door judgmentally]
BARNABY: Hey-! I chased him down for a good reason! My kazoos were supposed to come today! …Which they didn’t. If ya think about it, I’m the poor guy that deserves an apology here! I ran after that mailman all through the neighborhood and with nothin’ to show for it!
HOME: [Windows open and shut, a bit like laughter]
BARNABY: Yeah, yeah, real funny! A poor little guy like me deserves some sympathy! A clown without a kazoo is like… Like an artist without his paintbrush! Go on kid, tell ‘em!
…Hello? Buddy? Pal?
…Hey, you stopped paintin’. Everything alright, Wally?
2023.08.31 19:01 MrC_Red Listening to (Over) 25 Great Rock Albums Every Month for the First Time (Part 12)
1. The Byrds - The Notorious Byrd Brothers (1968) B++ [3 listens B/B/B++] this was their turn into psychedelic rock, but it's your standard Byrds sound with some added filters and unique instruments outside their signature Rickenbacker. Don't want to sound dismissive, but similar to Tambourine Man, they feel they they're hopping on the current musical craze bandwagon that another band started (The Beatles with TM and Pink Floyd with this album). But also like TM, it has a more defined structure with each song, allowing that ethereal atmosphere to have something stable to sit on top of, instead of straying into that abstract "proto-progressive rock" style that can other bands get lost in. A mature adaptation of the psychedelic wave of the time, adding in that folk base that would become key the foundation of the late 60s "hippie movement" (that's foreshadowing). Pretty good album, it's not exactly raising the ceiling of the genre, but it's raising the floor for the standards. It seems like they're the "Quality Control" band of every genre they step into lol. David Crosby would leave the band and the Byrds would still go on to birth another subgenre in the following year; hopefully that Crosby fellow doesn't get lost in music obscurity...
2. The Velvet Underground - Loaded (1970) A++ [5 listens A+/A++/MP/A++/A++] what a sad band to read about. A band that so desperately tried to make it mainstream and never felt "complete", with a different core member leaving on the following album (with Maureen Tucker being absent on this one). Building off of the Self-Titled, that hit the sweet spot of that accessible without losing too much of their signature "grimy" identity that made them special. There's a youthful energy in Lou Reed and Doug Yule earns his keep on several songs, putting in great vocal performances (dare I say on the same level as Reed). Venus in Furs is one of the greatest songs just period, but New Age... just might edge it out as the best "Velvet Underground" song. Rock and Roll, Who Loves the Song, Head Held High, Cool it Down, Sweet Jane (I'm not gonna list out the whole album, every damn song) are all some of their best compositions in their catalogue; from the complex to the run of the mill blues jam song, they're all perfect in execution. The only reason this isn't a masterpiece, and it was pretty close, is that it's missing that connectivity from track to track. Perfect songs, but I don't feel like there's anything really linking them all together, so it doesn't have that "Masterpiece" feel. Also, bonus point for their "ambitious finale" track finally being a great "song" instead of an exercise in their experimental creativity; the ending climax actually worked on me. Outstanding album, don't even feel that saying this is their best album should be a hot take, but this is so clearly their best songwriting here! I know the "Banana album" invented Noise Rock, but come on... you know in your heart this is the best one. It sucks that this was their final album (yes, I'm not going to count that one) and they never made it big, but it's so awesome that they were alive to see how influential their records became to the ENTIRE soundscape of rock music for decades to come. They are to Alternative Rock that the Beatles and Pet Sounds were to Pop; the only band I'll put next to the Beatles in influence.
3. Crosby, Stills, Nash & Young - Deja Vu (1970) A+ [3 listens A/A/A+] I've been waiting for this one. CSN... and Y!!!! Neil Young?! Are you kidding me, bro! Adding him was like adding Kevin Durant to the 2016 Warriors. It's unnecessary, borderline excessive, but you know it's going to be great. I'm here to report that yes, they did in fact destroy the rest of the hippie competition during the late 60s. Sidenote: I still don't understand how they sold so many records. I thought the "hippie movement" was filled with psychedelic and blues rock, like Hendrix, Cream and the Doors. How did a band that harmonizes and plays on acoustic guitars for half an album, get SO popular? Compared to their previous Self-Titled album, you can immediately spot Neil Young's influence as there are some heavier sections that would've been so out of place before (but very expected on an album like Buffalo Springfield Again). Our House is also somehow the best song here, when you have Almost Cut My Hair, Country Girl, Helpless, Woodstock and Everybody I Love You. Fantastic album, it somehow lived up to the hype, without completely defying my expectations. I do have to listen to Ohio though, as I see it was a big single for this time period.
4. Steely Dan - Can't Buy a Thrill (1972) A [2 listens B++/A] Steely Dan... the first listen is just okay, but it's the second listen is where they put their hooks into you. That emptiness of traditional rock instrumentation makes most of it feel like white noise at first, but then on the repeated listen you find out that "oh that's where all the sexy jazz is!". I saw that their genre was labeled Yacht Rock and I find that so funny, yet kinda fitting. Because you have to be far out on a boat at sea, away from the rest of the 70s listening to Led Zeppelin and Pink Floyd, to truly not be embarrassed dancing to this jazz fusion of Rock music. All are good songs, but it was Midnight Cruiser, Fire in the Hole and especially Dirty Work that hooked me on the 2nd listen. If you liked Aja, I definitely recommend this one as well.
5. Big Star: i. Radio City (1974) B+ [3 listens B-/B/B+] A bit different compared to #1 Record. It's not as sweet and serene with it's pop, but it's a little more rawer as they don't try to mask the heaviness of the guitar. I wonder if Chris Bell leaving the band effected this in some way. Alex Chilton isn't singing perfectly on every song anymore, sometimes he feels like he's in despair. So much of the album sound much more ragged and clunky; which makes it harder to instantly get into, but when you look at the bands that were influenced by this, they probably preferred this for that exact reason. The guitar solos are also pretty awesome throughout. This is a more "imperfect" project compared to #1 Record, which has some charm to it. It's not super sharp or clean, but it's some Power Pop with some grit; it's not embarrassed to show it. I personally don't like that grit in my Power Pop, but the songwriting is solid enough to admire the contrast. O' My Soul, Mod Lang, Back of Car and You Get What You Deserve are my favorites of the album. September Gurls took awhile to grow on me but that guitar solo sold it. Solid album. ii. Third/Sister Lovers (1978) C- [1 listens D+/C-] damn, another member left the band! Maybe they took their frustrations out in the music because this thing is... troubled. Just reading on the creation of this album, I like to mention Jody Stephens for sticking it through with the "band" as Chilton had a rough time cooperating with all the talents on the album. This album isn't technically finished, as the group never finalized a finished version (there's not even an official tracklist order [I used the 1992 one]). On the music... everything is just bleak. Any song feels like it could just easily break apart and Chilton could start crying, and it wouldn't feel abnormal. This isn't Power Pop anymore, this sounds like a guy who's done with the genre and is (figuratively) drinking himself to death. It's a slow, cold, dreary demise... but once again, there's some entertainment found and just listening to all of it. Some. It's a rough listen to get into. The songwriting, great performances from Stephens drumming and the addition of other elements like strings, backup vocals, is once again enough to make the majority of this passable. I guess on its own, I could see how it would've been influential to the upcoming College Rock wave of musicians in the 80s. That mix of depression mixed with the uplifting sound of the genre, is a oxymoronic blend that is very enthralling at times. But comparing it what came before it... it's a stark listen.
6. The Slits - Cut (1979) A [3 listens A/A/A] Had no idea they were women, lol. I didn't realize that the people on the cover was the actual band! Kind of a reggae-punk mix, which normally I'm not a big fan of (looking at you Bad Brains). The reason why I like it here is the only reggae influence found with the instruments within the band; everything else is close to your standard UK Punk Rock. The drumming might have a percussion setup akin to reggae, the bass guitar leads a few songs to occasionally give off that vibe, but everything else is keeping it in the land of Punk. Of course I have to highlight the odd and unconventional singing by Ari Up; by far the strongest fingerprint left on the album. Great album. It felt like they have a higher ceiling than what they did here, if they were tried to go into a genre-less direction, but sadly they broke up not long after this was made.
7. The Go-Go's - Beauty and the Beat (1981) A++ [4 listens A+/A+/A++/A++] I did not expect this to go so hard lol. This shit was spectacular: the singing from the harmonies to high ranged feminine energetic yells, the "surf rock esque" guitar tone and quick strumming, THE FUCKING DRUMMING, the strong basslines supporting every song, even the secondary lead singer was great! Every single member was perfect! The ONLY flaw is the back half of the albums isn't as perfect as the amazing first half, but it ends on a high note with Can't Stop the World. What a incredible album, New Wave is definitely the greatest genre of Rock (sorry Thrash Metal). I came in with low expectations of "I bet We Got the Beat is gonna carry this entire album", to putting in somewhere in my top 25. Tonite, This Town and How Much More also deserve praise as well. Phenomenal album! I could listen to this at anytime.
8. Stevie Ray Vaughn - Texas Flood (1983) B+ [2 listens B++/B+] If Jimi Hendrix went back in time into the 50s and made blues music. It's a perfect mixture of taking from the old and adding in the "modern". The good parts of it pretty much starts and ends with the guitar playing, as this 50s blues formulaic structure is pretty basic; no matter how much pizzazz you add to it. He wears his influences on his sleeves and does those guys justice with his playing. Rude Mood, Pride and Joy, and Testify were my favorites. Pretty good listen, if you're into this blues-roots rock style.
9. Van Halen - 1984 (1984) B- [3 listens B-/B+/B-] This was actually one the very original albums I chose with the other 100 to start with, but ditched it as I already included the Self-Titled album on the list. My thoughts surprisingly haven't changed, even though I've come to appreciate the impact of Eddie Van Halen in influencing an entire generation of guitarists. Similar to the Self-Titled, the guitar playing kinda gets lost into the mix and the focus is on the singing of every song. That's cool if you're Iron Maiden, but when you have the one of the greatest guitarist of all time being in the background for most of this, it feels like a missed opportunity. I'll Wait, Panama, and Drop Dead Legs are pretty solid tracks, but Jump is the best on here (and the most recognizable). I don't think this band is for me; if this band was in the 60s and slowed their pace down some, they would be awesome. Van Halen is playing so fast, it sounds like keyboards; which is impressive, but it doesn't give me that "feel" of hearing a guitar being played.
10. Prince - Sign O' the Times (1987) A [3 listens A-/B++/A] okay, now I understand why people don't refer to him as simply a "Pop artist". Where his other albums merged multiple genres, he's doing full-on "belly flop" caliber deep dives on each song lol. At times it does feel all over the place, with no type of consistency to the tone. The only common thread between every song seems to be "partying" or "I really want to have sex with you"; so basically the standard Prince stuff lol. The album feels too fragmented for me to really get into it, especially coming off the heels of PURPLE RAIN. This was his attempt of a White Album, except he favored being more adventurous instead of having better quality control. I feel like it's blasphemy to call any of these songs "simply good" per se, but several of these songs can't fuck with anything off of 1999 or Purple Rain. It does have a larger number of good songs, but also more duds. For every Housequake, Hot Thing or Slow Love there's a Dorothy Parker, U Got the Look or Forever in My Life; all good songs, but to be on the same album as Play in the Sunshine... there's a higher standard here. I respect the ambition, but probably would've benefited from cutting a few songs.
11. Cocteau Twins - Heaven or Las Vegas (1990) A++ [6 listens A/A/A+/A+/A++/A++] My first Dream Pop album and one I was looking forward to as it's was one that was highly suggested. Off the bat, I can see how this genre gets confused with Shoegaze, as the guitar here is also distorted to hell. Here's my gripe with this project: I don't know if it's because they have a super heavy accent, but I can barely make out anything they're saying. Which is normally not a big deal, but it is kind of a problem as it makes it really hard to sing along to many of the choruses; which are REALLY singable lol! I find myself fumbling over the words on every song (except Heaven or Las Vegas, great chorus). Luckily, the other half of the album is just guitar screeches and bass rumbling and high pitched wailing. I really want to love it even more than I do because I actually think every song is GREAT, but it just doesn't reach that extra level for me. Magnificent project, not a single miss in the tracklist.
12. Pantera - Vulgar Display of Power (1992) A [2 listens A/A] a more straightforward sound in a typical Thrash Metal from this decade. But I think holding on their Groove Metal tendencies held them back for making that awe-inspiring rocking music. Songs are loud and free, but it's like there's a cap on it; not really allowed to go beyond a certain level. I didn't see a big step up from Cowboys From Hell that I thought they were capable of, but sometimes a band likes what they like. I wanted more, but what I got was still pretty good. By Demons Be Driven, Mouth of War, Rise, all great songs and easily stack up against the best of Cowboys. Solid album, tough to choose which was the better one.
13. Sunny Day Real Estate - Diary (1994) B+ [4 listens A-/A/B+/B+] the "first" Emo album... Or at least the starting point of when it would branch away from the greater sound of Hardcore Rock. It actually doesn't sound like Hardcore Rock at all, it sounds like a standard Emo album. I don't know if other Emo bands followed this blueprint or this was just created on its own, but it's incredible how accurate this sounds like stuff 10 years after. In Circles, Song About an Angel and Shadows are the best of the bunch. The songs are solid, but I don't like the lack heaviest overall. The only time the guitars really come in are in the bridge and the choruses; which makes many songs sound kinda repetitive. The drumming and the singing are the standouts, as I can't imagine how horrible this style went over in the mid 90s grunge scene lol. Good album, the bonus tracks are good as well. I probably would've liked it better if I didn't listen to Brand New the same month. I try to make it as random as possible, but also try not to listen to similar genres at the same time.
14. Pulp - Different Classes (1995) D++ [4 listens C+/D++/C-/D++] oh man.... I really don't like this album. Awful awful singing; the absolute worst I've heard so far. The band is trying to merge rock with this "high brow" style of Art Pop and they fail so badly. Not because the music is bad, but it's that they feel so uncomfortable doing it. Common People and I Spy (barely) are good songs! But when you have a guy singing over it in the most random and unappealing way, you're doing such a disservice to the music itself. I'll leave it at that. Change the singer and it's probably a B just off the music alone.
15. Silverchair - i. Frogstomp (1995) B++ [2 listens A-/B++] this was a group I chose early on, but due to how little popularity they have compared to other great bands, they kept getting pushed back for the more famous albums. I chose to cut an artist from this post (DJ Shadow - Endtroducing; not a Rock album), so I had an open space. So it was only right to give this band priority. This is solid grunge album, albeit not as grand as the other ones of its release. It's not "reinventing the wheel" for Grunge, but it's a solid example of the genre compared to the early years of it. Crazy that these guys were only 15. Check out Leave Me Out, Suicidal Dreams and Undecided. ii. Diorama (2002) A [2 listens A-/A] I see this was their "Sgt. Pepper's" turn. Moving towards Baroque Pop!? Definitely caught me off guard the first listen. I do think the edge got lost some with the introduction with the orchestral instruments and heavier reliance on the piano. Maybe I missed some important albums in between, but this stylistic change came out of nowhere. They did a good job of balancing the new style without sacrificing the rock feel on some of the songs; so often bands abandon the best identities of their previous self in order to do something different. The songwriting is also more complex than a simplistic structure of Frogstomp. Great improvement with its inclusion of a new sound, but the way they wrote the songs, specifically the builds into the choruses, were so much better.
16. Built to Spill - i. Perfect From Now On (1997) A+ [3 listens A+/A+/A+] Post Rock meets Alternative Rock. The singer reminds me of Modest Mouse, but that's where the likeness ends. Long songs where it just continues to develop for forever; having several melodies and long periods of guitar playing. It's one of those "full album" experiences; which when bands fully decide to go in that direction, it can be so encaptivating. You can put this on and let the whole thing just play. It makes a 6 min song feels like a 10 min one; in a good way lol. Made-up Dreams and I Would Hurt a Fly are the most memorable as the hooks are the best parts. Pretty damn good! ii. Keep It Like a Secret (1999) A [2 listens A/A] It offers something different, a better "Alternative Rock" 90s record. In some cases, it's the better listen. Focusing on the individual songs did admittedly sacrifice the overall atmosphere of the album compared to PFNO, but each track is more focused on being as great as possible, than only being engrossing. They're actually closer to a band like Pavement here, which is probably more accessible direction to go in. Honestly, it's up to personal preference between these two as they offer different things. Sidewalk, Else and Bad Light are my favorite songs. Definitely worth a listen.
17. Elliott Smith: i. XO (1998) A++ [5 listens A/A+/A++/A+/A++] This is the final batch of Elliott Smith albums and I can confidently say he's my favorite brand of "depressed & confused white boi vibes" music. I didn't think he had the talent to do it, but managed to top EitheOr! Nearly every song hits its mark, as this is by far the most consistent album from him. I Didn't Understand It's probably the greatest song he's ever made... which is nowhere near my most listened to song on here. Phenomenal mastery of balancing both the acoustic guitar side and that indie Rock side, merging the two so perfectly on here. It falls a bit short from reaching that Masterpiece level, as its ceiling is lower than other genres. But still, how can you not call this perfect? ii. Figure 8 (2000) A- [3 listens B++/A-/A-] here, he's just widening his scope of musical instrumentation. He has the pop songwriting structure down to a science at this point, it's just a matter if the chorus is catchy enough. There's more misses here that I can't really overlook, as the majority of the songs are aren't that special. Still fantastic songs like Mama Be Proud or Pretty Mary K. He's venturing into another sound and this was a stepping stone into that new direction, but he still has some steps left before he's fully out of the pond. Good listen if his stuff before this was "too boring" to you. iii. From a Basement on a Hill (2004) A- [2 listens A/A-] his posthumous album after his "questionable" death. I didn't want to include it as it's not an album he finished, but it's viewed equally along side his other stuff. It's a solid listen; it follows what Figure 8 started, but toned down a bit more. The production is still as expansive as the album before, but it isn't as prevalent on a majority of the songs. I personally enjoyed the more stripped down songs with just the acoustic guitar, such as Fond Farewell or Memory Lane. Also the heavier songs like on Shooting Star, add in the needed variety that Figure 8 didn't have. The melodies aren't as strong on this one, which is my biggest problem. The songs aren't super great as his other stuff, but his ideas in the scope on bringing all of these new sounds together is very ambitious, yet low key. And I feel like I have to mention the lyrical content, as it openly discusses his depression and other personal struggles. Which his other albums have done before, but since it's a posthumous release... it feels more noticable given what happened to him. He always had such a fragile, yet troubled voice where you could feel the underlying pain in his voice. RIP, great farewell album as a final display of his immense talent. I hope he's at peace now after all these years.
18. Opeth - Blackwater Park (2001) A- [3 listens A-/B++/A-] Just as Prog Rock can be hit or miss with me, the same seems to go with Prog Metal. I love the interesting parts, but I just wish it was more of that. I understand the need to create this cool atmosphere to play in, but without great toys (hooks, riffs, melodies, etc.) what's the point of having a giant, immersive, cool playground? The songs I love in it's entirely are Bleak and Harvest. The Drapery Falls, Blackwater Park and Funeral Portrait are great songs... I just wish they were shorter. Very good album tho, never to a point where I wanted to skip anything, only occasionally looking at how much was left on the runtime. Looking back, I actually liked nearly all the Prog Metal albums I've reviewed, but it does feel like if I listened to a "generic" album from this genre, I'd probably hate it. Good thing I'm only listening to the best. Which leaves only 2 bands left to visit. If you're a fan of the genre, you could probably guess who as they're the two pioneers.
19. Coldplay - A Rush of Blood to the Head (2002) A++ [5 listens A/A+/A+/A++/A++] I listened to Parachutes and thought it was really generic; the only song I remember from it is Yellow. This was a major turnaround! The placement of the orchestral instruments, the piano being a major piece and making the bass much more integral to verses THEN bringing in the rest of the band, jumped this up five levels. The bridges are also so much more creative on this, building into each chorus with a unique crescendo than the rest of the song. Chris Martin! It's actually worth mentioning his name now, as he was spectacular on this one. He's not just singing in falsetto, but there's gravitas on every phrase with unique inflections throughout this performance; his presence is felt beyond just his voice, and the rest of the music shines through! It's so beautiful when everything lines up, instead of having things "poke through" the background to be noticed. Sidenote, I recognize the opening piano for Clocks from somewhere, but nothing else from the actual song; actually one of the lesser songs on the album. But god damn... Post-Britpop proving you can still be artful with mass appeal pop music. Not every song is perfect, but for the ones that are, they are some of best songs I've heard so far. Also, love the abstract album cover and how every single cover is actually a scan of each member's head in the same 3D art style.
20. Sweet Trip - Velocity : Design : Comfort (2003) B++ [3 listens C-/B/B++] wtf is this lol? Every time you think you understand what it's going for, it changes into something else; completely unpredictable. It has a high barrier of entry (not including its length), as it can be a challenge to want to come back and give it multiple chances. But once it clicks with you... it's so damn infectious. This album manages to be both consistently erratic, yet somehow so catchy! I just personally wish that there were more of the "catchy glitch pop" spread more throughout the album instead of the atmospheric, desolate cyber soundscape that takes up the majority of the runtime. International, Chocolate Matter, Sept and Pro: Lov: Ad are the ones that really make the album what it is, as this is where most of the Pop is found.
21. Brand New - The Devil and God Are Raging Inside Me (2006) A [4 listens A-/A/A+/A] funny how the albums I always have the most trouble formulating my thoughts for are the emo albums. Great songs all over this thing. The lyrics can be a bit "moody", but the guitar hooks are awesome throughout. I love the lead singer's performance; it's not flamboyant compared to MCR, but closer to what I assumed "Emo" would sound like. Millstone and Jesus are amazing songs, and the backhalf of the tracklist seals the deal of making it a very good project. I might listen to Deja Entendu, but probably won't write anything for it unless it's really great.
22. Grizzly Bear: i. Veckatimest (2007) C++ [3 listens C++/B-/C++] indie chamber pop similar to a Fleet Foxes. Also, like Fleet Foxes, this genre isn't that engaging for me. It's like watching leaves blow in the wind; it's very beautiful and serene to watch, but I'm not going to stay for 45+ minutes. Two Weeks is the only great song on the album; everything else is just "good" stuff with something holding it back. Fine For Now has some cool moments, but it's so sparse. Cheerleader does as well, but it's too low key. While You Wait For Others and I Live You, both have great moments, but it too convoluted to love the whole song. That's the biggest problem with this subgenre for me; it's lofi, indie style hampers those really cool moments from being as grandiose as possible. It's limiting itself in exchange of being complex and "artsy". I hate using that word, it they chose to just be a bit more simplistic at times and stuck to one idea in each song, it would've been a more concise experience. ii. Shields (2012) B [3 listens B++/B/B] It's a little better than Veckatimest, as I like the varied pace of the tracklist this time around more. I like "parts" of songs; I enjoy parts of A Simple Answer or parts of Gun-Shy. Yet Again is the only song where I love the entire thing. It's a good listen, but 48 minutes felt like a chore to get through with so many interesting ideas scattered all across the album. I would only come back to visit those songs.
23. LCD Soundsystem - This Is Happening (2010) A- [3 listens B+/B+/A-] I recently got addicted to Get Innocuous! from Sound of Silver and been playing it non-stop, which got me hyped for this one. It's a fun album, more consistent from track to track this time around. There's not really an outstanding song on here, just cool fun songs that make you dance. The intro is the best song, as expected and One Touch and I Can Change are the most catchy, but none of them really rises to that level of being special. They're all danceable, but I wanted something more daring from this album. Really enjoyable listen, but I'm always left disappointed with my expectations from LCD Soundsystem; they have the tools to make my perfect brand of dance music, but they always seem to fall just short.
24. Courtney Barnett - Sometimes I Sit and Think and Sometimes I Just Sit (2015) A++ [5 listens A+/A+/A++/MP/A++] Awesome album! I love the way she sings and she's an interesting lyricist as well. It flips between a loud, poignant Garage Rock sound and a mellow, lofi style throughout the tracklist (Wikipedia calls it Slacker Rock lol). It's as jumbled and messy as her mind appears when he's singing. She has either this "stream of consciousness" style that's reminiscent of Bob Dylan or a half asleep style of lazily letting words seep out of her mouth; both work as well as the other! What works is the diametrically opposing styles of the highly kinetic music being paired with her rambling style of speaking; but also when the song slows down, she switches up her vocal cadence. She never overdoes it or makes it the focal point of the song (it's easy to miss a lot of clever lines if you're not paying attention). The last few songs took awhile to get into, but I enjoy the cool down of the last two tracks. This is fantastic!!! Give me time to mull on it, and it could be a Masterpiece.
25. Black Country, New Road - Ants From Up There (2022) A+ [3 listens A/A/A+] the follow-up is here! Not really the improvement I thought it would be, as it didn't raise the bar as higher than I expected following their great debut. The songs are just more focused here though, moving away from having that cacophony of sounds on single tracks. There's still a ton of Prog elements, but it's a more "cleaner" album, as there's less filler. Whether or not that makes up for the lack of a bigger set of creative ideas is up for debate; I kinda think so. It's the more concise between the two, but it didn't elevate like they could've done. They have potential, but they're still finding themselves. Haldern, The Place Where, Good Will Hunting and Basketball Shoes are all incredible pieces, that surpasses anything on the first album. Maybe my expectations were too high, but the debut really set them up for a major breakthrough. Sadly the lead singer left the band due to his mental health, so I hope the rest of the group is able to build off of this.
31 Albums
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2. The Velvet Underground - Loaded (1970) A++ [5 listens A+/A++/MP/A++/A++] what a sad band to read about. A band that so desperately tried to make it mainstream and never felt "complete", with a different core member leaving on the following album (with Maureen Tucker being absent on this one). Building off of the Self-Titled, that hit the sweet spot of that accessible without losing too much of their signature "grimy" identity that made them special. There's a youthful energy in Lou Reed and Doug Yule earns his keep on several songs, putting in great vocal performances (dare I say on the same level as Reed). Venus in Furs is one of the greatest songs just period, but New Age... just might edge it out as the best "Velvet Underground" song. Rock and Roll, Who Loves the Song, Head Held High, Cool it Down, Sweet Jane (I'm not gonna list out the whole album, every damn song) are all some of their best compositions in their catalogue; from the complex to the run of the mill blues jam song, they're all perfect in execution. The only reason this isn't a masterpiece, and it was pretty close, is that it's missing that connectivity from track to track. Perfect songs, but I don't feel like there's anything really linking them all together, so it doesn't have that "Masterpiece" feel. Also, bonus point for their "ambitious finale" track finally being a great "song" instead of an exercise in their experimental creativity; the ending climax actually worked on me. Outstanding album, don't even feel that saying this is their best album should be a hot take, but this is so clearly their best songwriting here! I know the "Banana album" invented Noise Rock, but come on... you know in your heart this is the best one. It sucks that this was their final album (yes, I'm not going to count that one) and they never made it big, but it's so awesome that they were alive to see how influential their records became to the ENTIRE soundscape of rock music for decades to come. They are to Alternative Rock that the Beatles and Pet Sounds were to Pop; the only band I'll put next to the Beatles in influence.
3. Crosby, Stills, Nash & Young - Deja Vu (1970) A+ [3 listens A/A/A+] I've been waiting for this one. CSN... and Y!!!! Neil Young?! Are you kidding me, bro! Adding him was like adding Kevin Durant to the 2016 Warriors. It's unnecessary, borderline excessive, but you know it's going to be great. I'm here to report that yes, they did in fact destroy the rest of the hippie competition during the late 60s. Sidenote: I still don't understand how they sold so many records. I thought the "hippie movement" was filled with psychedelic and blues rock, like Hendrix, Cream and the Doors. How did a band that harmonizes and plays on acoustic guitars for half an album, get SO popular? Compared to their previous Self-Titled album, you can immediately spot Neil Young's influence as there are some heavier sections that would've been so out of place before (but very expected on an album like Buffalo Springfield Again). Our House is also somehow the best song here, when you have Almost Cut My Hair, Country Girl, Helpless, Woodstock and Everybody I Love You. Fantastic album, it somehow lived up to the hype, without completely defying my expectations. I do have to listen to Ohio though, as I see it was a big single for this time period.
4. Steely Dan - Can't Buy a Thrill (1972) A [2 listens B++/A] Steely Dan... the first listen is just okay, but it's the second listen is where they put their hooks into you. That emptiness of traditional rock instrumentation makes most of it feel like white noise at first, but then on the repeated listen you find out that "oh that's where all the sexy jazz is!". I saw that their genre was labeled Yacht Rock and I find that so funny, yet kinda fitting. Because you have to be far out on a boat at sea, away from the rest of the 70s listening to Led Zeppelin and Pink Floyd, to truly not be embarrassed dancing to this jazz fusion of Rock music. All are good songs, but it was Midnight Cruiser, Fire in the Hole and especially Dirty Work that hooked me on the 2nd listen. If you liked Aja, I definitely recommend this one as well.
5. Big Star: i. Radio City (1974) B+ [3 listens B-/B/B+] A bit different compared to #1 Record. It's not as sweet and serene with it's pop, but it's a little more rawer as they don't try to mask the heaviness of the guitar. I wonder if Chris Bell leaving the band effected this in some way. Alex Chilton isn't singing perfectly on every song anymore, sometimes he feels like he's in despair. So much of the album sound much more ragged and clunky; which makes it harder to instantly get into, but when you look at the bands that were influenced by this, they probably preferred this for that exact reason. The guitar solos are also pretty awesome throughout. This is a more "imperfect" project compared to #1 Record, which has some charm to it. It's not super sharp or clean, but it's some Power Pop with some grit; it's not embarrassed to show it. I personally don't like that grit in my Power Pop, but the songwriting is solid enough to admire the contrast. O' My Soul, Mod Lang, Back of Car and You Get What You Deserve are my favorites of the album. September Gurls took awhile to grow on me but that guitar solo sold it. Solid album. ii. Third/Sister Lovers (1978) C- [1 listens D+/C-] damn, another member left the band! Maybe they took their frustrations out in the music because this thing is... troubled. Just reading on the creation of this album, I like to mention Jody Stephens for sticking it through with the "band" as Chilton had a rough time cooperating with all the talents on the album. This album isn't technically finished, as the group never finalized a finished version (there's not even an official tracklist order [I used the 1992 one]). On the music... everything is just bleak. Any song feels like it could just easily break apart and Chilton could start crying, and it wouldn't feel abnormal. This isn't Power Pop anymore, this sounds like a guy who's done with the genre and is (figuratively) drinking himself to death. It's a slow, cold, dreary demise... but once again, there's some entertainment found and just listening to all of it. Some. It's a rough listen to get into. The songwriting, great performances from Stephens drumming and the addition of other elements like strings, backup vocals, is once again enough to make the majority of this passable. I guess on its own, I could see how it would've been influential to the upcoming College Rock wave of musicians in the 80s. That mix of depression mixed with the uplifting sound of the genre, is a oxymoronic blend that is very enthralling at times. But comparing it what came before it... it's a stark listen.
6. The Slits - Cut (1979) A [3 listens A/A/A] Had no idea they were women, lol. I didn't realize that the people on the cover was the actual band! Kind of a reggae-punk mix, which normally I'm not a big fan of (looking at you Bad Brains). The reason why I like it here is the only reggae influence found with the instruments within the band; everything else is close to your standard UK Punk Rock. The drumming might have a percussion setup akin to reggae, the bass guitar leads a few songs to occasionally give off that vibe, but everything else is keeping it in the land of Punk. Of course I have to highlight the odd and unconventional singing by Ari Up; by far the strongest fingerprint left on the album. Great album. It felt like they have a higher ceiling than what they did here, if they were tried to go into a genre-less direction, but sadly they broke up not long after this was made.
7. The Go-Go's - Beauty and the Beat (1981) A++ [4 listens A+/A+/A++/A++] I did not expect this to go so hard lol. This shit was spectacular: the singing from the harmonies to high ranged feminine energetic yells, the "surf rock esque" guitar tone and quick strumming, THE FUCKING DRUMMING, the strong basslines supporting every song, even the secondary lead singer was great! Every single member was perfect! The ONLY flaw is the back half of the albums isn't as perfect as the amazing first half, but it ends on a high note with Can't Stop the World. What a incredible album, New Wave is definitely the greatest genre of Rock (sorry Thrash Metal). I came in with low expectations of "I bet We Got the Beat is gonna carry this entire album", to putting in somewhere in my top 25. Tonite, This Town and How Much More also deserve praise as well. Phenomenal album! I could listen to this at anytime.
8. Stevie Ray Vaughn - Texas Flood (1983) B+ [2 listens B++/B+] If Jimi Hendrix went back in time into the 50s and made blues music. It's a perfect mixture of taking from the old and adding in the "modern". The good parts of it pretty much starts and ends with the guitar playing, as this 50s blues formulaic structure is pretty basic; no matter how much pizzazz you add to it. He wears his influences on his sleeves and does those guys justice with his playing. Rude Mood, Pride and Joy, and Testify were my favorites. Pretty good listen, if you're into this blues-roots rock style.
9. Van Halen - 1984 (1984) B- [3 listens B-/B+/B-] This was actually one the very original albums I chose with the other 100 to start with, but ditched it as I already included the Self-Titled album on the list. My thoughts surprisingly haven't changed, even though I've come to appreciate the impact of Eddie Van Halen in influencing an entire generation of guitarists. Similar to the Self-Titled, the guitar playing kinda gets lost into the mix and the focus is on the singing of every song. That's cool if you're Iron Maiden, but when you have the one of the greatest guitarist of all time being in the background for most of this, it feels like a missed opportunity. I'll Wait, Panama, and Drop Dead Legs are pretty solid tracks, but Jump is the best on here (and the most recognizable). I don't think this band is for me; if this band was in the 60s and slowed their pace down some, they would be awesome. Van Halen is playing so fast, it sounds like keyboards; which is impressive, but it doesn't give me that "feel" of hearing a guitar being played.
10. Prince - Sign O' the Times (1987) A [3 listens A-/B++/A] okay, now I understand why people don't refer to him as simply a "Pop artist". Where his other albums merged multiple genres, he's doing full-on "belly flop" caliber deep dives on each song lol. At times it does feel all over the place, with no type of consistency to the tone. The only common thread between every song seems to be "partying" or "I really want to have sex with you"; so basically the standard Prince stuff lol. The album feels too fragmented for me to really get into it, especially coming off the heels of PURPLE RAIN. This was his attempt of a White Album, except he favored being more adventurous instead of having better quality control. I feel like it's blasphemy to call any of these songs "simply good" per se, but several of these songs can't fuck with anything off of 1999 or Purple Rain. It does have a larger number of good songs, but also more duds. For every Housequake, Hot Thing or Slow Love there's a Dorothy Parker, U Got the Look or Forever in My Life; all good songs, but to be on the same album as Play in the Sunshine... there's a higher standard here. I respect the ambition, but probably would've benefited from cutting a few songs.
11. Cocteau Twins - Heaven or Las Vegas (1990) A++ [6 listens A/A/A+/A+/A++/A++] My first Dream Pop album and one I was looking forward to as it's was one that was highly suggested. Off the bat, I can see how this genre gets confused with Shoegaze, as the guitar here is also distorted to hell. Here's my gripe with this project: I don't know if it's because they have a super heavy accent, but I can barely make out anything they're saying. Which is normally not a big deal, but it is kind of a problem as it makes it really hard to sing along to many of the choruses; which are REALLY singable lol! I find myself fumbling over the words on every song (except Heaven or Las Vegas, great chorus). Luckily, the other half of the album is just guitar screeches and bass rumbling and high pitched wailing. I really want to love it even more than I do because I actually think every song is GREAT, but it just doesn't reach that extra level for me. Magnificent project, not a single miss in the tracklist.
12. Pantera - Vulgar Display of Power (1992) A [2 listens A/A] a more straightforward sound in a typical Thrash Metal from this decade. But I think holding on their Groove Metal tendencies held them back for making that awe-inspiring rocking music. Songs are loud and free, but it's like there's a cap on it; not really allowed to go beyond a certain level. I didn't see a big step up from Cowboys From Hell that I thought they were capable of, but sometimes a band likes what they like. I wanted more, but what I got was still pretty good. By Demons Be Driven, Mouth of War, Rise, all great songs and easily stack up against the best of Cowboys. Solid album, tough to choose which was the better one.
13. Sunny Day Real Estate - Diary (1994) B+ [4 listens A-/A/B+/B+] the "first" Emo album... Or at least the starting point of when it would branch away from the greater sound of Hardcore Rock. It actually doesn't sound like Hardcore Rock at all, it sounds like a standard Emo album. I don't know if other Emo bands followed this blueprint or this was just created on its own, but it's incredible how accurate this sounds like stuff 10 years after. In Circles, Song About an Angel and Shadows are the best of the bunch. The songs are solid, but I don't like the lack heaviest overall. The only time the guitars really come in are in the bridge and the choruses; which makes many songs sound kinda repetitive. The drumming and the singing are the standouts, as I can't imagine how horrible this style went over in the mid 90s grunge scene lol. Good album, the bonus tracks are good as well. I probably would've liked it better if I didn't listen to Brand New the same month. I try to make it as random as possible, but also try not to listen to similar genres at the same time.
14. Pulp - Different Classes (1995) D++ [4 listens C+/D++/C-/D++] oh man.... I really don't like this album. Awful awful singing; the absolute worst I've heard so far. The band is trying to merge rock with this "high brow" style of Art Pop and they fail so badly. Not because the music is bad, but it's that they feel so uncomfortable doing it. Common People and I Spy (barely) are good songs! But when you have a guy singing over it in the most random and unappealing way, you're doing such a disservice to the music itself. I'll leave it at that. Change the singer and it's probably a B just off the music alone.
15. Silverchair - i. Frogstomp (1995) B++ [2 listens A-/B++] this was a group I chose early on, but due to how little popularity they have compared to other great bands, they kept getting pushed back for the more famous albums. I chose to cut an artist from this post (DJ Shadow - Endtroducing; not a Rock album), so I had an open space. So it was only right to give this band priority. This is solid grunge album, albeit not as grand as the other ones of its release. It's not "reinventing the wheel" for Grunge, but it's a solid example of the genre compared to the early years of it. Crazy that these guys were only 15. Check out Leave Me Out, Suicidal Dreams and Undecided. ii. Diorama (2002) A [2 listens A-/A] I see this was their "Sgt. Pepper's" turn. Moving towards Baroque Pop!? Definitely caught me off guard the first listen. I do think the edge got lost some with the introduction with the orchestral instruments and heavier reliance on the piano. Maybe I missed some important albums in between, but this stylistic change came out of nowhere. They did a good job of balancing the new style without sacrificing the rock feel on some of the songs; so often bands abandon the best identities of their previous self in order to do something different. The songwriting is also more complex than a simplistic structure of Frogstomp. Great improvement with its inclusion of a new sound, but the way they wrote the songs, specifically the builds into the choruses, were so much better.
16. Built to Spill - i. Perfect From Now On (1997) A+ [3 listens A+/A+/A+] Post Rock meets Alternative Rock. The singer reminds me of Modest Mouse, but that's where the likeness ends. Long songs where it just continues to develop for forever; having several melodies and long periods of guitar playing. It's one of those "full album" experiences; which when bands fully decide to go in that direction, it can be so encaptivating. You can put this on and let the whole thing just play. It makes a 6 min song feels like a 10 min one; in a good way lol. Made-up Dreams and I Would Hurt a Fly are the most memorable as the hooks are the best parts. Pretty damn good! ii. Keep It Like a Secret (1999) A [2 listens A/A] It offers something different, a better "Alternative Rock" 90s record. In some cases, it's the better listen. Focusing on the individual songs did admittedly sacrifice the overall atmosphere of the album compared to PFNO, but each track is more focused on being as great as possible, than only being engrossing. They're actually closer to a band like Pavement here, which is probably more accessible direction to go in. Honestly, it's up to personal preference between these two as they offer different things. Sidewalk, Else and Bad Light are my favorite songs. Definitely worth a listen.
17. Elliott Smith: i. XO (1998) A++ [5 listens A/A+/A++/A+/A++] This is the final batch of Elliott Smith albums and I can confidently say he's my favorite brand of "depressed & confused white boi vibes" music. I didn't think he had the talent to do it, but managed to top EitheOr! Nearly every song hits its mark, as this is by far the most consistent album from him. I Didn't Understand It's probably the greatest song he's ever made... which is nowhere near my most listened to song on here. Phenomenal mastery of balancing both the acoustic guitar side and that indie Rock side, merging the two so perfectly on here. It falls a bit short from reaching that Masterpiece level, as its ceiling is lower than other genres. But still, how can you not call this perfect? ii. Figure 8 (2000) A- [3 listens B++/A-/A-] here, he's just widening his scope of musical instrumentation. He has the pop songwriting structure down to a science at this point, it's just a matter if the chorus is catchy enough. There's more misses here that I can't really overlook, as the majority of the songs are aren't that special. Still fantastic songs like Mama Be Proud or Pretty Mary K. He's venturing into another sound and this was a stepping stone into that new direction, but he still has some steps left before he's fully out of the pond. Good listen if his stuff before this was "too boring" to you. iii. From a Basement on a Hill (2004) A- [2 listens A/A-] his posthumous album after his "questionable" death. I didn't want to include it as it's not an album he finished, but it's viewed equally along side his other stuff. It's a solid listen; it follows what Figure 8 started, but toned down a bit more. The production is still as expansive as the album before, but it isn't as prevalent on a majority of the songs. I personally enjoyed the more stripped down songs with just the acoustic guitar, such as Fond Farewell or Memory Lane. Also the heavier songs like on Shooting Star, add in the needed variety that Figure 8 didn't have. The melodies aren't as strong on this one, which is my biggest problem. The songs aren't super great as his other stuff, but his ideas in the scope on bringing all of these new sounds together is very ambitious, yet low key. And I feel like I have to mention the lyrical content, as it openly discusses his depression and other personal struggles. Which his other albums have done before, but since it's a posthumous release... it feels more noticable given what happened to him. He always had such a fragile, yet troubled voice where you could feel the underlying pain in his voice. RIP, great farewell album as a final display of his immense talent. I hope he's at peace now after all these years.
18. Opeth - Blackwater Park (2001) A- [3 listens A-/B++/A-] Just as Prog Rock can be hit or miss with me, the same seems to go with Prog Metal. I love the interesting parts, but I just wish it was more of that. I understand the need to create this cool atmosphere to play in, but without great toys (hooks, riffs, melodies, etc.) what's the point of having a giant, immersive, cool playground? The songs I love in it's entirely are Bleak and Harvest. The Drapery Falls, Blackwater Park and Funeral Portrait are great songs... I just wish they were shorter. Very good album tho, never to a point where I wanted to skip anything, only occasionally looking at how much was left on the runtime. Looking back, I actually liked nearly all the Prog Metal albums I've reviewed, but it does feel like if I listened to a "generic" album from this genre, I'd probably hate it. Good thing I'm only listening to the best. Which leaves only 2 bands left to visit. If you're a fan of the genre, you could probably guess who as they're the two pioneers.
19. Coldplay - A Rush of Blood to the Head (2002) A++ [5 listens A/A+/A+/A++/A++] I listened to Parachutes and thought it was really generic; the only song I remember from it is Yellow. This was a major turnaround! The placement of the orchestral instruments, the piano being a major piece and making the bass much more integral to verses THEN bringing in the rest of the band, jumped this up five levels. The bridges are also so much more creative on this, building into each chorus with a unique crescendo than the rest of the song. Chris Martin! It's actually worth mentioning his name now, as he was spectacular on this one. He's not just singing in falsetto, but there's gravitas on every phrase with unique inflections throughout this performance; his presence is felt beyond just his voice, and the rest of the music shines through! It's so beautiful when everything lines up, instead of having things "poke through" the background to be noticed. Sidenote, I recognize the opening piano for Clocks from somewhere, but nothing else from the actual song; actually one of the lesser songs on the album. But god damn... Post-Britpop proving you can still be artful with mass appeal pop music. Not every song is perfect, but for the ones that are, they are some of best songs I've heard so far. Also, love the abstract album cover and how every single cover is actually a scan of each member's head in the same 3D art style.
20. Sweet Trip - Velocity : Design : Comfort (2003) B++ [3 listens C-/B/B++] wtf is this lol? Every time you think you understand what it's going for, it changes into something else; completely unpredictable. It has a high barrier of entry (not including its length), as it can be a challenge to want to come back and give it multiple chances. But once it clicks with you... it's so damn infectious. This album manages to be both consistently erratic, yet somehow so catchy! I just personally wish that there were more of the "catchy glitch pop" spread more throughout the album instead of the atmospheric, desolate cyber soundscape that takes up the majority of the runtime. International, Chocolate Matter, Sept and Pro: Lov: Ad are the ones that really make the album what it is, as this is where most of the Pop is found.
21. Brand New - The Devil and God Are Raging Inside Me (2006) A [4 listens A-/A/A+/A] funny how the albums I always have the most trouble formulating my thoughts for are the emo albums. Great songs all over this thing. The lyrics can be a bit "moody", but the guitar hooks are awesome throughout. I love the lead singer's performance; it's not flamboyant compared to MCR, but closer to what I assumed "Emo" would sound like. Millstone and Jesus are amazing songs, and the backhalf of the tracklist seals the deal of making it a very good project. I might listen to Deja Entendu, but probably won't write anything for it unless it's really great.
22. Grizzly Bear: i. Veckatimest (2007) C++ [3 listens C++/B-/C++] indie chamber pop similar to a Fleet Foxes. Also, like Fleet Foxes, this genre isn't that engaging for me. It's like watching leaves blow in the wind; it's very beautiful and serene to watch, but I'm not going to stay for 45+ minutes. Two Weeks is the only great song on the album; everything else is just "good" stuff with something holding it back. Fine For Now has some cool moments, but it's so sparse. Cheerleader does as well, but it's too low key. While You Wait For Others and I Live You, both have great moments, but it too convoluted to love the whole song. That's the biggest problem with this subgenre for me; it's lofi, indie style hampers those really cool moments from being as grandiose as possible. It's limiting itself in exchange of being complex and "artsy". I hate using that word, it they chose to just be a bit more simplistic at times and stuck to one idea in each song, it would've been a more concise experience. ii. Shields (2012) B [3 listens B++/B/B] It's a little better than Veckatimest, as I like the varied pace of the tracklist this time around more. I like "parts" of songs; I enjoy parts of A Simple Answer or parts of Gun-Shy. Yet Again is the only song where I love the entire thing. It's a good listen, but 48 minutes felt like a chore to get through with so many interesting ideas scattered all across the album. I would only come back to visit those songs.
23. LCD Soundsystem - This Is Happening (2010) A- [3 listens B+/B+/A-] I recently got addicted to Get Innocuous! from Sound of Silver and been playing it non-stop, which got me hyped for this one. It's a fun album, more consistent from track to track this time around. There's not really an outstanding song on here, just cool fun songs that make you dance. The intro is the best song, as expected and One Touch and I Can Change are the most catchy, but none of them really rises to that level of being special. They're all danceable, but I wanted something more daring from this album. Really enjoyable listen, but I'm always left disappointed with my expectations from LCD Soundsystem; they have the tools to make my perfect brand of dance music, but they always seem to fall just short.
24. Courtney Barnett - Sometimes I Sit and Think and Sometimes I Just Sit (2015) A++ [5 listens A+/A+/A++/MP/A++] Awesome album! I love the way she sings and she's an interesting lyricist as well. It flips between a loud, poignant Garage Rock sound and a mellow, lofi style throughout the tracklist (Wikipedia calls it Slacker Rock lol). It's as jumbled and messy as her mind appears when he's singing. She has either this "stream of consciousness" style that's reminiscent of Bob Dylan or a half asleep style of lazily letting words seep out of her mouth; both work as well as the other! What works is the diametrically opposing styles of the highly kinetic music being paired with her rambling style of speaking; but also when the song slows down, she switches up her vocal cadence. She never overdoes it or makes it the focal point of the song (it's easy to miss a lot of clever lines if you're not paying attention). The last few songs took awhile to get into, but I enjoy the cool down of the last two tracks. This is fantastic!!! Give me time to mull on it, and it could be a Masterpiece.
25. Black Country, New Road - Ants From Up There (2022) A+ [3 listens A/A/A+] the follow-up is here! Not really the improvement I thought it would be, as it didn't raise the bar as higher than I expected following their great debut. The songs are just more focused here though, moving away from having that cacophony of sounds on single tracks. There's still a ton of Prog elements, but it's a more "cleaner" album, as there's less filler. Whether or not that makes up for the lack of a bigger set of creative ideas is up for debate; I kinda think so. It's the more concise between the two, but it didn't elevate like they could've done. They have potential, but they're still finding themselves. Haldern, The Place Where, Good Will Hunting and Basketball Shoes are all incredible pieces, that surpasses anything on the first album. Maybe my expectations were too high, but the debut really set them up for a major breakthrough. Sadly the lead singer left the band due to his mental health, so I hope the rest of the group is able to build off of this.
31 Albums
2023.08.23 19:36 micktalian The Gardens of Deathworlders (Part 35)
Part 35 Cuddling on the Couch (Part 1) (Part 34) (Part 36)
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The lights in Admiral Atxika's well-adorned office were low, each of the seats in her lounge area were occupied, and there was a relaxed mood in the air. Atxika, Tens, and a few of The Hammer's command staff who were off duty at the moment had met in the Admiral's office for an informal intelligence gathering meeting of sorts. The kind of meeting which just happened to include watching the human news channels, eating snacks, and lounging in comfortable chairs. For Tens and Atxika, however, this was a rare moment to simply enjoy each other's company.
"Despite the brutal attacks on the United Heavy Industries Headquarters and Constellis-Securitas subsidiary facility, public opinion polls regarding the Nishnabe have consistently shown far more positive results than many analysts have predicted."
As the blonde-haired, immaculately dressed news anchor read from her teleprompter, she maintained her well-trained pseudo-neutrality in both tone and expression. With the newsfeed covered in random information, from scrolling text describing recent headlines to current stock prices, the large hologram in Atxika's office was almost overflowing to the point of obfuscation.
"With most respondents citing recent actions concerning humanitarian outreach, free sharing of information, and even finding homes for stray pets, the violence these people from another planet have visited upon us seems to be outweighed by their supposed good deeds in the eyes of the public. On our nine o'clock evening show, we have an exclusive interview with former UN-E CID Intelligence Analyst and author of the recent best-seller 'How to Win the Great Game', Marusi Sarbic, to discuss whether or not this may all be part of a conscious and deliberate attempt to subtlety alter the political and economic systems of Earth."
A small animation played where an image of an artificially olive-skinned man wearing a fine dress suit was displayed next to an over the top cover of a book. With the amount of visual pizzazz and the long list of meaningless awards and accolades featured in this quick advertisement, the few people relaxing and doing their simple intelligence work in Atxika's office were really starting to understand Mik's earlier warnings about this particular channel.
"But for now, we go to one of our Action News Live field reporters, Shelby West, who is currently on board the alien battleship, The Hammer, and attending what is being called Sol' first galactic technology expo." An annoyingly flashy transition effect played featuring a caricature of a rocket flying off into space with a cartoon version of Shelby waving from inside. Concluding with an over the top explosion animation, the holographic display in Atxika’s office shifted to show the blonde anchor's face displayed next to a quite recognizable woman. While the framing new camera feed was tight on the young and finely dressed field reporter's face, a vaguely distorted background showed she was in the middle of somewhere very busy. "Shelby? It looks like your camera feed is a bit different, and your microphone is missing. What’s going on?"
"Thank you, Carol. And, yes, my camera system is different from the normal system." Even though she wasn't holding her signature microphone, Shelby's appearance and voice were coming through as clean and clear as they ever had, if not more so. "We had some… minor technical issues with my original equipment and our hosts have graciously provided me with replacements."
"D- Wh- Are… Are you saying that you are broadcasting to us from alien technology?!?" In a far off room, hidden from all eyes, producers, editors, and prompters were scrambling as none of this was in their script. Without her teleprompter feeding her exactly what to say and how to say it, the blonde news anchor was audibly flustered, visibly shocked, and didn't seem to know what to do. "H- Wh- If I may ask… what was wrong with your original camera drone?"
"Yes I am, Carol! And from my understanding, there was an issue with my camera drone's processor reacting badly with the artificial gravity systems of this ship." Though Shelby was lying through her teeth, she had been doing so her entire career and had a rock solid poker face. Keeping her composure so as to not embarrass the anchor on live TV, Shelby did her best to pretend Carol wasn’t stammering over herself and that this was all part of the plan. "But our hosts here were able to get me set up with a new camera drone which, if I'm being entirely honest, is quite the upgrade. I am actually standing in front of a Gui-v-och-ta Hoi-st Conglomerate booth and have one of their technical and sales representatives with me if you have any questions."
With an almost bouncy motion due to the relatively light forces of the galactic standard gravity in this portion of the ship, Shelby took a couple short steps to her side as the camera angle widened and refocused in perfect synchronization with her movements. In the blink of an eye, the young woman was standing at a wide display table featuring various examples of cameras, drones, and audio systems, several of which were partially or completely disassembled, and all which looked simultaneously recognizable, yet still quite alien. On the other side of the table stood a figure who was nearly 50cm taller than the reporter, with deep blue skin, orange-tinted brown hair, a modest pair of tusks, and a uniform which looked like a cross between a professional business suit and refined, formal dress.
"I am here with, and I apologize if I mispronounce your name, Ri-an vol-chi-ka." Despite the reporter's best attempt to make the appropriate click sound when saying 'chi-ka', it didn't quite come out right, and yet the Qui’ztar smiled nonetheless.
"Yes, that is close enough. Many species struggle to replicate certain phonemes my people utilize and the 'ch' sound is an appropriate substitute." While Ryen'volxa spoke, her voice was immediately and seamlessly translated by the audio systems built into Shelby's new camera with a near perfect dubbing. "And I am delighted to hear you are satisfied with the Bui'rardi-337 Sehiv-edition you have been gifted. It is one of our premium model series, amd newr the top if the lineup."
"Is- Is that alien speaking English!?" Carol's jaw had fallen wide open, and eyes almost seemed to be popping out of their sockets, after seeing an alien which made the high-heel wearing reporter look like a child while communicating in eloquent English.
"Wha-" Shelby had quickly put her finger up to press her earphone in tighter and ensure she heard the anchor's question correctly before beginning to chuckle as if hearing a joke. "Haha! Oh! Oh, no. Ryen'volxa, my colleague has asked about the translation features of this system. Could you please give us an explanation?"
"Of course! It would be my pleasure." The Qui’ztar product representative replied while making a welcome gesture down towards the table. "All of our Bui’rardi, even on the lowest end model series, have translation package options which come in the form of self-contained plug-in modules. If a system with a module is within range of Galactic Connectivity Node, it is simply able to connect directly to public translations servers, or the particular paid-service of your choice. Alternatively, the different modules you see on the table here can be preloaded with specific language packages should it become necessary to iperate outside of node range. As you can likely guess, there are different price points, memory capacities, translation speeds, et cetera. However, if you would like to know how the technologies behind the translators operate, they utilize entangled-photon computation devices to create simulated neurostructures based on the specific language being translated. For example, while I am speaking in a language known as galactic common, the simulated neurostructure is converting my words to the language you selected while, hopefully, maintaining the context and inflection of my voice."
"Thank you, Ryen'volxa. That was an excellent and thorough explanation." Shelby bowed slightly towards the much taller alien woman before redirecting her attention towards the camera. "Did you get all that, Carol?"
Though it could have been due to lack of words on her teleprompter, her overall shock of having an alien live on her broadcast, or possibly just a slight delay in the feed, Carol simply stared slack jawed into the camera for a long few seconds before she finally snapped out of her daze.
"Uh… yes, Shelby. We definitely got all that." Despite the subtlety of her eye movements, it was clear to the small audience sitting in Atxika's office that the news anchor wouldn't have known what to say next without the teleprompter. "I guess we were just expecting you to be speaking with a Nishnabe, and not an alien. Are all of the other booths at the expo staffed by aliens as well?"
"Yes, Carol! Just one moment." The reporter's immaculate hair seemed to bounce excitedly in an almost slowed motion as she politely turned to the technical representative with a trained smile. "Again, thank you for the explanation, Ryen'volxa. I'll be sure to stop by again to give you a full review of my Birdie here after I've been able to put it through its paces."
"Wonderful. And feel free to reach out with any question, comments, concerns, or business inquiries." As Ryen nodded towards Shelby and then towards the camera and audience, a small graphic appeared on the newsfeed with the representative's contact information, including a link through the Nishnabe Web. "I hope you, your colleagues, and your audience are able to see all the wonders this expo has to offer."
After a final respectful nod that seemed more like a light and almost flirty bow, Shelby made a slight motion with her hand to indicate for the drone to follow as the relatively small woman turned to walk down the wide path between the various booths. With the wisdom and precision of an expert camera operator, the autonomous flying drone, no larger than a hawk, panned and refocused its camera into a much wider angle to show off the various tables, signage, and technologies galore. Spread out across the slowly shifting scene were along with dozens of people conversing, both humans and aliens. Following its earlier instructions to a T, the Bui'rardi-337 that Shelby had already named Birdie kept the full extent of technology expo obscured until the time was just right. Even though Carol had been able to collect herself enough to read from and follow the direction of her prompter, a look of utter disbelief once again fell across her face upon seeing even more Qui’ztar, four-armed bears, beaver-otter hybrids, giant lizards, and a few other types of being, all interacting with humans as if this were any other massive gathering of business and technological professionals.
"Yes, Carol, as you can see, almost all of the technical and sales representatives who have come out to show us the wonders of the galaxy are, in fact, non-human persons." Shelby hoped that putting emphasis on the phrase 'non-human persons' would help correct the people running Carol's teleprompter and prevent any future blunders. "From my understanding, The Hammer is not just a warship, it also serves as a mobile production hub and semi-civilian space station with everything a person could ever need. Everyone here was already stationed on this ship as part of contacts from one of over a hundred interstellar businesses. And, this is the greatest part, the military crew for the ship is about seventy percent Qui’ztar, the tall, blue humanoids, and thirty percent other species. In all honesty, Carol, this is like a scene out of a science fiction movie come to life!"
"Have you seen any humans from the Nishnabe in the expo so far?" There was a certain tone as the news anchor asked the question, which Atxika assumed was the reason she felt Tens slightly tense up as the two cuddled on her long lounge chair. “With how involved they’ve made themselves here on Earth, I’m surprised I don’t see more of them on The Hammer with you.”
Despite the fact that Atxika and the other Qui’ztar in the room remained silent, there was a shared thought between them as they recognized the very particular pattern. Instead of focusing on the amazing technologies on display, the diverse array of species present, or anything else that could be considered news, the anchor seemed to be singularly focused on the Nishnabe. With nearly every segment of carefully curated content the group had sat through thus far, the constant recurring theme was the Nishnabe and either their previous military strikes or the potential for more. Though one would rightfully assume the introduction of a new group of humans to Sol would elicit quite the public interest, the obvious bias of this supposedly 'most watched' news network against the Nishnabe was starting to raise concerns among The Hammer's command staff.
"Well… I did have the pleasure of quickly speaking to one Nishnabe crew member… But he was very busy with security at the time, and we only had a brief moment to introduce ourselves." As the reporter hesitated, Atxika could feel Tens hold his breath. “However, according to my map of this expo, there are some Nishnabe businesses in the agricultural and transportation areas. From my understanding, they are joint business ventures between Nishnabe and non-humans, and are here from the Nishnabe fleet which arrived soon after The Hammer. We could certainly make our way to one of the areas with those booths, but I felt our audience would appreciate seeing some of the consumer goods which they will have available to them soon.”
With a sigh of relief that his name hadn’t been mentioned and he would, hopefully, be spared the same bombardment of connection and message requests on his social media that a few of his friends had been suffering through, Atxika could feel Tens’s whole body relax. Sensing there was something going on in her lover’s mind, she pulled him in a bit tighter into the cuddle with a gentle tug.
“Is there something bothering you?” Atxika whispered into Tens’s ear to not disturbed the others in the room who were carefully scrutinizing the news anchor’s actions and reactions to the reporter who was playing her part expertly.
“I just don’t like how this channel is trying to make us out to be the bad guys.” The man replied with an annoyed tone but in the same quiet volume. “That one guy earlier even lied and said we were gonna try to colonize Earth and overthrow the governments. I hate that they think we’re as bad as they are."
"I believe they are just projecting based on their own history, my love." Atxika placed a gentle kiss on the top of Tens's head while beginning to rub his arm tenderly. "With how beautiful Shkegpewen is, and how content your people seem to be, I couldn't imagine any of them wanting to move to Earth or Mars. One planet is still recovering from ecological disaster while the other hasn't been habitable in well over a billion years, if ever. Even if your government wanted to take over the Earth or Mars governments, your people would refuse to participate."
"Hell, our Militia wouldn't even participate." The whispered reply came with the belly shake of light chuckles which lightly tickled the Admiral. "I don't know if you heard yet but I just got word from Msko a little while ago that the first meeting of the United Human Defense Fleet went well. It's going to be completely independent, voluntary, focused on the defense of humanity and our allies, and remain apolitical with all internal affairs."
"I had not heard, but that is wonderful!" There was genuine surprise in the woman's voice before a sudden outburst from another person in the room grabbed her attention.
"Another commercial break?!?" Marzima almost threw her popcorn at the holographic screen in frustration as the display transitioned to an absurd cartoon animation advertising blood sugar monitors for seniors. "I swear, every fifteen minutes or less, and always right when they're getting to the good part, too. Tens, your cousins are monsters!"
"That pirate channel wasn't this bad!" Tens countered as he knew Marz still held reservations over the name. "Let's take a break and watch something actually enjoyable."
"That channel was far more entertaining and informative for the news, but it won't help us with gauging corporate intentions." Another of the Qui'ztar Sub-Admirals in the room added with a relatively professional tone.
"I don't think it would hurt to see the Martian perspective for a moment." Atxika declared while making a gesture with her hand to change the channel. "But we are switching back at nine for that supposed defense analyst. I want to see what passes for an expert on this planet."
For a split second, everyone sitting in Atxika's office had a confused expression on their faces when the screen changed to a recognizable rainbow-haired reporter standing in the middle of what Tens and most of the others immediately recognized as an untouched section of the forests of Shkegpewen. Not as shocking, but still interesting, was the fact she was standing next to another human and large, four-armed bear-like being. Despite the fact that there were scrolling lines of text on one side of the screen which looked like a live chat, the scene didn't seem like it could be taking place on the ship.
"While that tundra scene was interesting, I think I prefer this forest more. Now, taking another viewer's question…" Cherry paused for a moment to read something off from the phone she was holding while her body was angled towards the two beings also in the shot. "This comes from… 'DuhDeffkoptaDakkaDok' and they ask, 'You mentioned a simulated sense of smell and sound, but what about touch? Can you touch and interact with the holographic objects? I would love to be able to… krump sum gitz in VR.' That… uh… last part is a cultural reference."
"Well… Dakka Dok…" The Hi-Koth began with a deep chuckle. "While I don't understand the reference, I love the name. As for your question, this form of a holographic simulator system does have some degree of interactivity, which is determined by the program being run and the system's processing capabilities. While there is a slight sensation when you pass through the hologram, you won't really feel it, per say."
"Our research and development department is constantly innovating and testing the limits of what is possible." The Nishnabe man standing next to the ursine alien added with the tone of an engineer who was quite proud of their work. "Over the past few decades we have been attempting to manufacture a projector to create a form of… well, it's hard to explain. Essentially, we are able to produce photons which behave more like other elementary particles. However, it is still highly experimental and not yet ready for mass manufacture."
"At the moment, if you want to feel, as in truly feel, like you are… krumpin' sum gitz…" The auburn furred bear let out another hearty chuckle before continuing. "Then you would want a high-grade, neuro-interface simulator pod. Those can replicate many things, such as the forces of acceleration and touch, but they are… a far different experience."
"I'm actually planning to do a piece on the sim pods soon. Keep your notifications on for that, viewers." The rainbow-hair reporter had a clearly ecstatic expression on her face, contorted smile and all, as she tried to prevent this friend-shaped being's laughter from becoming contagious. "Now back to our… 'Red Planet Rid-', I am not asking that, I dont care if you donated a thousand Eu-D! Someone, come get your tio from chat, he's thirsty! Sorry about that, there was a viewer asking about Aunties. Moving on to… more appropriate questions."
Though Cherry was incredibly proud of her actual reports, those she created without audience participation, she couldn't deny that the revenues which came from these live chats were what kept her afloat. Like a true veteran of the internet, she left a moment of pause before she continued as the Nishnabe and Hi-Koth she was interviewing, as well as millions of people watching this broadcast, had begun cracking up and almost folding over with laughter. Seeing both a human and bear cackling so hysterically, Cherry couldn't help but laugh along and shake her head as she searched the chat for something relevant she could ask.
"Ah, here we go! A real question, even though this isn’t exactly about the simulator technology." As soon as Cherry had started speaking again, the two people she was conversing with did their best to try to collect themselves and stop openly laughing. "User ‘Femboi_Ecumenopolis’ asks, 'What forest is this a simulation of? It looks incredibly similar to the redwoods in the Pacific Northwest or Aram's Nature Dome, but much prettier. I would love to have something like this in my apartment.’"
"Is a 'redwood' a type of metal-wood tree?" The Hi-Koth immediately asked with a deeply curious tone while leaving Cherry speechless before she even had a chance to explain what a redwood was. "I ask because 'redwood' is a common name for irontrees."
"For context, metal-wood trees absorb and concentrate metallic minerals from soil and some rocks." The Nishnabe added while bringing up their tablet and beginning to search for something. "While they are relatively rare, there are flora on many planets that can concentrate metallic minerals to the point where they can be economically and sustainably harvested. And, to answer… your viewer's question, the scans for this simulation were taken from a nature preserve on Shkegpewen a few kilometers outside of the Western Quarter of the city."
"Wait, wait, wait, hold on! There are plants made of metal?" Cherry blurted out with utter shock at the idea of a metal tree and without even mentally registering the second half of the statement. "D- do they look shiny or…"
"Well…" A smirk formed across Nishnabe's mouth while he made a small, open-armed gesture around the simulated forest that surrounded the three people and filled the video's frame. "They look like this. Exactly like this. The iron compounds that build up in the cellulose don't really produce a shine in our visual spectrum. However, there are some unique patterns outside of it."
With a subtle and slow swipe of his finger, the Nishnabe technical representative triggered all of the colors of the simulated forest to start shifting. While many of the reds seemed to dull, the blues, yellows, and green became much more intense and varied. In just a few seconds, elaborate patterns began to form across much of the foliage while the few visible flowers started to almost glow. Though Shelby wasn't exactly sure what she was seeing, the Qui’ztar sitting in Atxika's office giggled slightly at the now obvious limits of the human visual range.
"All of our simulations are guaranteed to be one hundred percent EM-accurate between the two hundred and one thousand nanometer light bands." Seeing the confusion on the reporter's face, the Hi-Koth quickly followed up with an easier to understand explanation. "My colleague has simply color shifted the simulation to bring out the ultraviolet spectrum light. This is what the forests of Shkegpewen, the Nishnabe home planet, look like to a species who can see shorter wavelengths of light than yours."
"Wait! This is…" It took a second time saying the name of the planet and explicitly pointing out that it was the Nishnabe's home for Cherry to realize the implications. "If this is… Can you simulate the city, or at least part of it? I've only seen pictures on your Web and it looks absolutely breathtaking…"
"Sure… one second…" The Nishnabe man went back to his tablet for a moment and began typing in commands before stopping and looking over at this Hi-Koth colleague. "What do you think, Viskar? The Great Wigwam, the Spire, or the Station?"
"Why not the aerial overview, Nbo?" The Hi-Koth immediately responded without even thinking about it.
However, just as Nbo began vigorously typing into his tablet, someone spoke up from one of the chairs in Atxika's office.
"It is five to nine, ma'am." One of the Qui'ztar in Atxika's office announced right as the interview was starting to get to a part that Tens really wanted to see. "Should we switch back, just in case?"
"Yes, we probably should." Atxika quickly answered without actually sending the signal to change the channel.
"Can we give it a minute or two?" Tens asked with a tone that Atxika immediately recognized as homesickness.
"Two more minutes. Just a bit more of a palette cleanser." The Admiral acquiesced as she too was starting to long to see Tens's home planet, before whispering sweetly into his ear. "Do not worry, my love. We will be going home soon. Within two weeks, we should be back at Ten'yiosh. And then just another few days to Shkegpewen."
For a moment, both the Atxika's office and the holographically displayed newsfeed were silent while it looked as if the the three people on screen had begun rising off the holographic ground. As the image transitioned from the forest floor, through the canopy, and up about a kilometer into the air, the shining skyline of Shkegpewen's major city came into view and shimmered like a cluster of diamonds surrounded by a forest of emerald pillars. In the distance, framed in the space between the rainbow-haired reporter and the two technical representatives, stood a massive spire which stretched so high that the camera angle capture couldn't possibly hope to see the top.
"Three weeks to Shkegpewen…" Tens whispered back as a smile grew wide across his face. "I wonder if Mik is gonna try to hitch a ride with us."
(Next)
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The lights in Admiral Atxika's well-adorned office were low, each of the seats in her lounge area were occupied, and there was a relaxed mood in the air. Atxika, Tens, and a few of The Hammer's command staff who were off duty at the moment had met in the Admiral's office for an informal intelligence gathering meeting of sorts. The kind of meeting which just happened to include watching the human news channels, eating snacks, and lounging in comfortable chairs. For Tens and Atxika, however, this was a rare moment to simply enjoy each other's company.
"Despite the brutal attacks on the United Heavy Industries Headquarters and Constellis-Securitas subsidiary facility, public opinion polls regarding the Nishnabe have consistently shown far more positive results than many analysts have predicted."
As the blonde-haired, immaculately dressed news anchor read from her teleprompter, she maintained her well-trained pseudo-neutrality in both tone and expression. With the newsfeed covered in random information, from scrolling text describing recent headlines to current stock prices, the large hologram in Atxika's office was almost overflowing to the point of obfuscation.
"With most respondents citing recent actions concerning humanitarian outreach, free sharing of information, and even finding homes for stray pets, the violence these people from another planet have visited upon us seems to be outweighed by their supposed good deeds in the eyes of the public. On our nine o'clock evening show, we have an exclusive interview with former UN-E CID Intelligence Analyst and author of the recent best-seller 'How to Win the Great Game', Marusi Sarbic, to discuss whether or not this may all be part of a conscious and deliberate attempt to subtlety alter the political and economic systems of Earth."
A small animation played where an image of an artificially olive-skinned man wearing a fine dress suit was displayed next to an over the top cover of a book. With the amount of visual pizzazz and the long list of meaningless awards and accolades featured in this quick advertisement, the few people relaxing and doing their simple intelligence work in Atxika's office were really starting to understand Mik's earlier warnings about this particular channel.
"But for now, we go to one of our Action News Live field reporters, Shelby West, who is currently on board the alien battleship, The Hammer, and attending what is being called Sol' first galactic technology expo." An annoyingly flashy transition effect played featuring a caricature of a rocket flying off into space with a cartoon version of Shelby waving from inside. Concluding with an over the top explosion animation, the holographic display in Atxika’s office shifted to show the blonde anchor's face displayed next to a quite recognizable woman. While the framing new camera feed was tight on the young and finely dressed field reporter's face, a vaguely distorted background showed she was in the middle of somewhere very busy. "Shelby? It looks like your camera feed is a bit different, and your microphone is missing. What’s going on?"
"Thank you, Carol. And, yes, my camera system is different from the normal system." Even though she wasn't holding her signature microphone, Shelby's appearance and voice were coming through as clean and clear as they ever had, if not more so. "We had some… minor technical issues with my original equipment and our hosts have graciously provided me with replacements."
"D- Wh- Are… Are you saying that you are broadcasting to us from alien technology?!?" In a far off room, hidden from all eyes, producers, editors, and prompters were scrambling as none of this was in their script. Without her teleprompter feeding her exactly what to say and how to say it, the blonde news anchor was audibly flustered, visibly shocked, and didn't seem to know what to do. "H- Wh- If I may ask… what was wrong with your original camera drone?"
"Yes I am, Carol! And from my understanding, there was an issue with my camera drone's processor reacting badly with the artificial gravity systems of this ship." Though Shelby was lying through her teeth, she had been doing so her entire career and had a rock solid poker face. Keeping her composure so as to not embarrass the anchor on live TV, Shelby did her best to pretend Carol wasn’t stammering over herself and that this was all part of the plan. "But our hosts here were able to get me set up with a new camera drone which, if I'm being entirely honest, is quite the upgrade. I am actually standing in front of a Gui-v-och-ta Hoi-st Conglomerate booth and have one of their technical and sales representatives with me if you have any questions."
With an almost bouncy motion due to the relatively light forces of the galactic standard gravity in this portion of the ship, Shelby took a couple short steps to her side as the camera angle widened and refocused in perfect synchronization with her movements. In the blink of an eye, the young woman was standing at a wide display table featuring various examples of cameras, drones, and audio systems, several of which were partially or completely disassembled, and all which looked simultaneously recognizable, yet still quite alien. On the other side of the table stood a figure who was nearly 50cm taller than the reporter, with deep blue skin, orange-tinted brown hair, a modest pair of tusks, and a uniform which looked like a cross between a professional business suit and refined, formal dress.
"I am here with, and I apologize if I mispronounce your name, Ri-an vol-chi-ka." Despite the reporter's best attempt to make the appropriate click sound when saying 'chi-ka', it didn't quite come out right, and yet the Qui’ztar smiled nonetheless.
"Yes, that is close enough. Many species struggle to replicate certain phonemes my people utilize and the 'ch' sound is an appropriate substitute." While Ryen'volxa spoke, her voice was immediately and seamlessly translated by the audio systems built into Shelby's new camera with a near perfect dubbing. "And I am delighted to hear you are satisfied with the Bui'rardi-337 Sehiv-edition you have been gifted. It is one of our premium model series, amd newr the top if the lineup."
"Is- Is that alien speaking English!?" Carol's jaw had fallen wide open, and eyes almost seemed to be popping out of their sockets, after seeing an alien which made the high-heel wearing reporter look like a child while communicating in eloquent English.
"Wha-" Shelby had quickly put her finger up to press her earphone in tighter and ensure she heard the anchor's question correctly before beginning to chuckle as if hearing a joke. "Haha! Oh! Oh, no. Ryen'volxa, my colleague has asked about the translation features of this system. Could you please give us an explanation?"
"Of course! It would be my pleasure." The Qui’ztar product representative replied while making a welcome gesture down towards the table. "All of our Bui’rardi, even on the lowest end model series, have translation package options which come in the form of self-contained plug-in modules. If a system with a module is within range of Galactic Connectivity Node, it is simply able to connect directly to public translations servers, or the particular paid-service of your choice. Alternatively, the different modules you see on the table here can be preloaded with specific language packages should it become necessary to iperate outside of node range. As you can likely guess, there are different price points, memory capacities, translation speeds, et cetera. However, if you would like to know how the technologies behind the translators operate, they utilize entangled-photon computation devices to create simulated neurostructures based on the specific language being translated. For example, while I am speaking in a language known as galactic common, the simulated neurostructure is converting my words to the language you selected while, hopefully, maintaining the context and inflection of my voice."
"Thank you, Ryen'volxa. That was an excellent and thorough explanation." Shelby bowed slightly towards the much taller alien woman before redirecting her attention towards the camera. "Did you get all that, Carol?"
Though it could have been due to lack of words on her teleprompter, her overall shock of having an alien live on her broadcast, or possibly just a slight delay in the feed, Carol simply stared slack jawed into the camera for a long few seconds before she finally snapped out of her daze.
"Uh… yes, Shelby. We definitely got all that." Despite the subtlety of her eye movements, it was clear to the small audience sitting in Atxika's office that the news anchor wouldn't have known what to say next without the teleprompter. "I guess we were just expecting you to be speaking with a Nishnabe, and not an alien. Are all of the other booths at the expo staffed by aliens as well?"
"Yes, Carol! Just one moment." The reporter's immaculate hair seemed to bounce excitedly in an almost slowed motion as she politely turned to the technical representative with a trained smile. "Again, thank you for the explanation, Ryen'volxa. I'll be sure to stop by again to give you a full review of my Birdie here after I've been able to put it through its paces."
"Wonderful. And feel free to reach out with any question, comments, concerns, or business inquiries." As Ryen nodded towards Shelby and then towards the camera and audience, a small graphic appeared on the newsfeed with the representative's contact information, including a link through the Nishnabe Web. "I hope you, your colleagues, and your audience are able to see all the wonders this expo has to offer."
After a final respectful nod that seemed more like a light and almost flirty bow, Shelby made a slight motion with her hand to indicate for the drone to follow as the relatively small woman turned to walk down the wide path between the various booths. With the wisdom and precision of an expert camera operator, the autonomous flying drone, no larger than a hawk, panned and refocused its camera into a much wider angle to show off the various tables, signage, and technologies galore. Spread out across the slowly shifting scene were along with dozens of people conversing, both humans and aliens. Following its earlier instructions to a T, the Bui'rardi-337 that Shelby had already named Birdie kept the full extent of technology expo obscured until the time was just right. Even though Carol had been able to collect herself enough to read from and follow the direction of her prompter, a look of utter disbelief once again fell across her face upon seeing even more Qui’ztar, four-armed bears, beaver-otter hybrids, giant lizards, and a few other types of being, all interacting with humans as if this were any other massive gathering of business and technological professionals.
"Yes, Carol, as you can see, almost all of the technical and sales representatives who have come out to show us the wonders of the galaxy are, in fact, non-human persons." Shelby hoped that putting emphasis on the phrase 'non-human persons' would help correct the people running Carol's teleprompter and prevent any future blunders. "From my understanding, The Hammer is not just a warship, it also serves as a mobile production hub and semi-civilian space station with everything a person could ever need. Everyone here was already stationed on this ship as part of contacts from one of over a hundred interstellar businesses. And, this is the greatest part, the military crew for the ship is about seventy percent Qui’ztar, the tall, blue humanoids, and thirty percent other species. In all honesty, Carol, this is like a scene out of a science fiction movie come to life!"
"Have you seen any humans from the Nishnabe in the expo so far?" There was a certain tone as the news anchor asked the question, which Atxika assumed was the reason she felt Tens slightly tense up as the two cuddled on her long lounge chair. “With how involved they’ve made themselves here on Earth, I’m surprised I don’t see more of them on The Hammer with you.”
Despite the fact that Atxika and the other Qui’ztar in the room remained silent, there was a shared thought between them as they recognized the very particular pattern. Instead of focusing on the amazing technologies on display, the diverse array of species present, or anything else that could be considered news, the anchor seemed to be singularly focused on the Nishnabe. With nearly every segment of carefully curated content the group had sat through thus far, the constant recurring theme was the Nishnabe and either their previous military strikes or the potential for more. Though one would rightfully assume the introduction of a new group of humans to Sol would elicit quite the public interest, the obvious bias of this supposedly 'most watched' news network against the Nishnabe was starting to raise concerns among The Hammer's command staff.
"Well… I did have the pleasure of quickly speaking to one Nishnabe crew member… But he was very busy with security at the time, and we only had a brief moment to introduce ourselves." As the reporter hesitated, Atxika could feel Tens hold his breath. “However, according to my map of this expo, there are some Nishnabe businesses in the agricultural and transportation areas. From my understanding, they are joint business ventures between Nishnabe and non-humans, and are here from the Nishnabe fleet which arrived soon after The Hammer. We could certainly make our way to one of the areas with those booths, but I felt our audience would appreciate seeing some of the consumer goods which they will have available to them soon.”
With a sigh of relief that his name hadn’t been mentioned and he would, hopefully, be spared the same bombardment of connection and message requests on his social media that a few of his friends had been suffering through, Atxika could feel Tens’s whole body relax. Sensing there was something going on in her lover’s mind, she pulled him in a bit tighter into the cuddle with a gentle tug.
“Is there something bothering you?” Atxika whispered into Tens’s ear to not disturbed the others in the room who were carefully scrutinizing the news anchor’s actions and reactions to the reporter who was playing her part expertly.
“I just don’t like how this channel is trying to make us out to be the bad guys.” The man replied with an annoyed tone but in the same quiet volume. “That one guy earlier even lied and said we were gonna try to colonize Earth and overthrow the governments. I hate that they think we’re as bad as they are."
"I believe they are just projecting based on their own history, my love." Atxika placed a gentle kiss on the top of Tens's head while beginning to rub his arm tenderly. "With how beautiful Shkegpewen is, and how content your people seem to be, I couldn't imagine any of them wanting to move to Earth or Mars. One planet is still recovering from ecological disaster while the other hasn't been habitable in well over a billion years, if ever. Even if your government wanted to take over the Earth or Mars governments, your people would refuse to participate."
"Hell, our Militia wouldn't even participate." The whispered reply came with the belly shake of light chuckles which lightly tickled the Admiral. "I don't know if you heard yet but I just got word from Msko a little while ago that the first meeting of the United Human Defense Fleet went well. It's going to be completely independent, voluntary, focused on the defense of humanity and our allies, and remain apolitical with all internal affairs."
"I had not heard, but that is wonderful!" There was genuine surprise in the woman's voice before a sudden outburst from another person in the room grabbed her attention.
"Another commercial break?!?" Marzima almost threw her popcorn at the holographic screen in frustration as the display transitioned to an absurd cartoon animation advertising blood sugar monitors for seniors. "I swear, every fifteen minutes or less, and always right when they're getting to the good part, too. Tens, your cousins are monsters!"
"That pirate channel wasn't this bad!" Tens countered as he knew Marz still held reservations over the name. "Let's take a break and watch something actually enjoyable."
"That channel was far more entertaining and informative for the news, but it won't help us with gauging corporate intentions." Another of the Qui'ztar Sub-Admirals in the room added with a relatively professional tone.
"I don't think it would hurt to see the Martian perspective for a moment." Atxika declared while making a gesture with her hand to change the channel. "But we are switching back at nine for that supposed defense analyst. I want to see what passes for an expert on this planet."
For a split second, everyone sitting in Atxika's office had a confused expression on their faces when the screen changed to a recognizable rainbow-haired reporter standing in the middle of what Tens and most of the others immediately recognized as an untouched section of the forests of Shkegpewen. Not as shocking, but still interesting, was the fact she was standing next to another human and large, four-armed bear-like being. Despite the fact that there were scrolling lines of text on one side of the screen which looked like a live chat, the scene didn't seem like it could be taking place on the ship.
"While that tundra scene was interesting, I think I prefer this forest more. Now, taking another viewer's question…" Cherry paused for a moment to read something off from the phone she was holding while her body was angled towards the two beings also in the shot. "This comes from… 'DuhDeffkoptaDakkaDok' and they ask, 'You mentioned a simulated sense of smell and sound, but what about touch? Can you touch and interact with the holographic objects? I would love to be able to… krump sum gitz in VR.' That… uh… last part is a cultural reference."
"Well… Dakka Dok…" The Hi-Koth began with a deep chuckle. "While I don't understand the reference, I love the name. As for your question, this form of a holographic simulator system does have some degree of interactivity, which is determined by the program being run and the system's processing capabilities. While there is a slight sensation when you pass through the hologram, you won't really feel it, per say."
"Our research and development department is constantly innovating and testing the limits of what is possible." The Nishnabe man standing next to the ursine alien added with the tone of an engineer who was quite proud of their work. "Over the past few decades we have been attempting to manufacture a projector to create a form of… well, it's hard to explain. Essentially, we are able to produce photons which behave more like other elementary particles. However, it is still highly experimental and not yet ready for mass manufacture."
"At the moment, if you want to feel, as in truly feel, like you are… krumpin' sum gitz…" The auburn furred bear let out another hearty chuckle before continuing. "Then you would want a high-grade, neuro-interface simulator pod. Those can replicate many things, such as the forces of acceleration and touch, but they are… a far different experience."
"I'm actually planning to do a piece on the sim pods soon. Keep your notifications on for that, viewers." The rainbow-hair reporter had a clearly ecstatic expression on her face, contorted smile and all, as she tried to prevent this friend-shaped being's laughter from becoming contagious. "Now back to our… 'Red Planet Rid-', I am not asking that, I dont care if you donated a thousand Eu-D! Someone, come get your tio from chat, he's thirsty! Sorry about that, there was a viewer asking about Aunties. Moving on to… more appropriate questions."
Though Cherry was incredibly proud of her actual reports, those she created without audience participation, she couldn't deny that the revenues which came from these live chats were what kept her afloat. Like a true veteran of the internet, she left a moment of pause before she continued as the Nishnabe and Hi-Koth she was interviewing, as well as millions of people watching this broadcast, had begun cracking up and almost folding over with laughter. Seeing both a human and bear cackling so hysterically, Cherry couldn't help but laugh along and shake her head as she searched the chat for something relevant she could ask.
"Ah, here we go! A real question, even though this isn’t exactly about the simulator technology." As soon as Cherry had started speaking again, the two people she was conversing with did their best to try to collect themselves and stop openly laughing. "User ‘Femboi_Ecumenopolis’ asks, 'What forest is this a simulation of? It looks incredibly similar to the redwoods in the Pacific Northwest or Aram's Nature Dome, but much prettier. I would love to have something like this in my apartment.’"
"Is a 'redwood' a type of metal-wood tree?" The Hi-Koth immediately asked with a deeply curious tone while leaving Cherry speechless before she even had a chance to explain what a redwood was. "I ask because 'redwood' is a common name for irontrees."
"For context, metal-wood trees absorb and concentrate metallic minerals from soil and some rocks." The Nishnabe added while bringing up their tablet and beginning to search for something. "While they are relatively rare, there are flora on many planets that can concentrate metallic minerals to the point where they can be economically and sustainably harvested. And, to answer… your viewer's question, the scans for this simulation were taken from a nature preserve on Shkegpewen a few kilometers outside of the Western Quarter of the city."
"Wait, wait, wait, hold on! There are plants made of metal?" Cherry blurted out with utter shock at the idea of a metal tree and without even mentally registering the second half of the statement. "D- do they look shiny or…"
"Well…" A smirk formed across Nishnabe's mouth while he made a small, open-armed gesture around the simulated forest that surrounded the three people and filled the video's frame. "They look like this. Exactly like this. The iron compounds that build up in the cellulose don't really produce a shine in our visual spectrum. However, there are some unique patterns outside of it."
With a subtle and slow swipe of his finger, the Nishnabe technical representative triggered all of the colors of the simulated forest to start shifting. While many of the reds seemed to dull, the blues, yellows, and green became much more intense and varied. In just a few seconds, elaborate patterns began to form across much of the foliage while the few visible flowers started to almost glow. Though Shelby wasn't exactly sure what she was seeing, the Qui’ztar sitting in Atxika's office giggled slightly at the now obvious limits of the human visual range.
"All of our simulations are guaranteed to be one hundred percent EM-accurate between the two hundred and one thousand nanometer light bands." Seeing the confusion on the reporter's face, the Hi-Koth quickly followed up with an easier to understand explanation. "My colleague has simply color shifted the simulation to bring out the ultraviolet spectrum light. This is what the forests of Shkegpewen, the Nishnabe home planet, look like to a species who can see shorter wavelengths of light than yours."
"Wait! This is…" It took a second time saying the name of the planet and explicitly pointing out that it was the Nishnabe's home for Cherry to realize the implications. "If this is… Can you simulate the city, or at least part of it? I've only seen pictures on your Web and it looks absolutely breathtaking…"
"Sure… one second…" The Nishnabe man went back to his tablet for a moment and began typing in commands before stopping and looking over at this Hi-Koth colleague. "What do you think, Viskar? The Great Wigwam, the Spire, or the Station?"
"Why not the aerial overview, Nbo?" The Hi-Koth immediately responded without even thinking about it.
However, just as Nbo began vigorously typing into his tablet, someone spoke up from one of the chairs in Atxika's office.
"It is five to nine, ma'am." One of the Qui'ztar in Atxika's office announced right as the interview was starting to get to a part that Tens really wanted to see. "Should we switch back, just in case?"
"Yes, we probably should." Atxika quickly answered without actually sending the signal to change the channel.
"Can we give it a minute or two?" Tens asked with a tone that Atxika immediately recognized as homesickness.
"Two more minutes. Just a bit more of a palette cleanser." The Admiral acquiesced as she too was starting to long to see Tens's home planet, before whispering sweetly into his ear. "Do not worry, my love. We will be going home soon. Within two weeks, we should be back at Ten'yiosh. And then just another few days to Shkegpewen."
For a moment, both the Atxika's office and the holographically displayed newsfeed were silent while it looked as if the the three people on screen had begun rising off the holographic ground. As the image transitioned from the forest floor, through the canopy, and up about a kilometer into the air, the shining skyline of Shkegpewen's major city came into view and shimmered like a cluster of diamonds surrounded by a forest of emerald pillars. In the distance, framed in the space between the rainbow-haired reporter and the two technical representatives, stood a massive spire which stretched so high that the camera angle capture couldn't possibly hope to see the top.
"Three weeks to Shkegpewen…" Tens whispered back as a smile grew wide across his face. "I wonder if Mik is gonna try to hitch a ride with us."
(Next)
2023.07.06 22:17 bumbhewer [M4F] “My God, it’s a recipe for disaster! You've got a vulnerable woman and an unstable man in a gothic mansion on a rainy night!”
Good evening, hope you’re doing well tonight, and welcome to a madman’s search for a partner to pass the time with, long term preferably. I apologize in advance for the essay, and I appreciate those who stick around to the end regardless if they accept my offer or not, and I hope we click in the end somehow. This is my first post here so please excuse any mistakes I make in the formatting or detailing, but other than that, here we go.
I’m looking for a partner to indulge in a romantic experience with, more of an enemies to lovers kind of shtick, but anything fits. If enemies don't work, then insufferable unlikely colleagues to lovers works too. I will explain the current plots I have lower in the post, but first some details about me, this kind of deal goes two ways, no? I’d love to know more about the person I’m engaging with, and sometimes it doesn’t have to be all business and no fun.
I’m an 18 year old guy with a mediocre artistic wrap sheet and an above mediocre writing record, or at least I’d like to think so. I would prefer people around or slightly above my age but I don’t discriminate, this is all about having a good time anyway, right? My prompt length can vary a lot, light years, as a matter of fact. I use discord and without nitro I am unfortunately limited, but they can go from three detailed lines to discord character limit, so have at it. My characters aren’t sunshine and rainbows whatsoever and I’d love to have a match in that setting, something more depressing, a melancholic kind of feel to it.
You know that feeling you get when you’re laying in bed at 4 in the morning, not even doing anything, just staring at the ceiling after having put down your phone when nothing has been happening on it, taking a moment just to reflect on things you’ve done today or the past week or are pondering next week’s activities, only coming to the hollow realization that they will be just as meaningless as the last weeks’?
That’s the kind of feeling I’m looking for.
Except with a little more a poetic flair to it, artistic pizzazz.
I don’t expect a happy ending at all, mind you, it’s just a feeling that I’m familiar with and can adapt and mold to the best.
But with all that aside, here are my ideas! Yours are always just as important and we can easily discuss any hiccups or changes that need to be corrected, don’t be afraid to speak up! This is just as much about my enjoyment as is yours.
Tap. Tap. Tap.
The noise that is most remarkable in the current situation.
Vincent taps his quill into the inkwell.
The rain against the window
Maybe I've mistaken the noise? Was it a tick-tock instead? Perhaps the hands on the clock slowly clawing their way closer to the 2 mark.
Either way, it was getting tiresome. Vincent had spent most of the evening and very early morning doing nothing but scribbling literate nonsense into a piece of paper. Words with barely any meaning combined into a pile of gibberish faintly connected together with some punctuation and a smidge of hidden innuendos. It was getting late.
The inside of the home wasn't exactly anything to be awed at, a normal looking office, connected to three other rooms. The living quarters, the bathroom, and the bedroom. A small house, but a large home. Plastered onto every wall of this place is a dark wallpaper, most of it covered up by paintings, bookshelves, all decorated with hand-carved ornaments of crows and ravens, other miscellaneous furniture scattered around, but barely of any significance, only taking up the empty space of what could be thinking room. In said office, sat upon a chair, laid a man. Miniature in physique, dressed rather nicely for this part of town, still struggling to think of anything to put on paper, paper laid in front of him, the desk only dimly lit by a candle.
He was getting frustrated, he's been going at this project for weeks now and it has brought nothing but sleepless nights and a lot of wasted, rather expensive mind you, paper. He put the quill down and lifted his elbows up to the table, resting his head in his hands, briefly gazing through the window in front of his desk, watching the raindrops slide slowly down from the top to the sill.
Maybe he just needs a break, he thought. If he just goes for some air, like the guys at the pub always tell him to do, maybe he'd feel better.
'What the hell?' he thought to himself, he might as well, he needs a smoke anyway.
And so he did. He climbed up and out of the old, slightly dusty chair and pulled it to the side, reaching for his cane he had left leaning against the desk, but missing, at least the first time.
Having only one eye means it's difficult to see how far away some things are, it's not his fault, but he still gets annoyed at it.
He sighed and took the cane by the handle, a beautifully carved raven skull resting atop the dark wooden shaft of a walking cane, truly the gentleman's walking apparatus.
He planted it firmly into the ground and began to limp his way towards the front door.
He'd been sitting all day trying to come up with something to write, his leg was stiff and hurt a little more now that he was moving it again, but usually it wouldn't hurt this much.
Eventually, he made it.
He opened the door and stepped out into the pouring rain, the street only slightly illuminated by the small rays of moonlight peeking through the clouds, and the dangling lanterns on the street posts.
He took out his pipe, already pre-stuffed with tobacco because he knew it'd never light in the rain if he stuffed it now, and set it alight with a tinderbox he'd stolen from his old friend at the tavern.
It was a beautiful night. He didn't mind the rain, in fact, it was therapeutic for him.
He inhaled and exhaled clouds of not yet known lung cancerous smoke into the air, switching his gaze from the cobblestone ground to the dark, stormy skies above, completely ignoring the fact that his clothes were almost completely soaked already.
And then, he thought.
He sat, and pondered, and thought. He was to get out of this endless loop eventually, no?
He doesn't want to get home and waste paper for the next weeks like this, he needs to come up with a plan or something.
He'll wait in the rain until something hits him, something has to hit him. The rain will be his muse.
Not very evident here, but in this one I’m thinking of a story involving vampires.
Yeah, yeah, I’ve heard it all before, generic and boring, but hear me out this once.
This vampire will not be the generic ones just aiming to attack some poor pedestrian for a fill, and then catch feelings through some magical ways of negotiation, no.
This one isn’t planning on sparing her prey tonight.
This woman is cold, classy, and not up for negotiation, she’s going to attack, get her fill, and abduct the poor crippled man to use for her own schemes or whatever vampires do.
This is not set in stone, obviously, and I’m not going to dictate how your character is going to act at all, if you don’t want any of this, then it can be negotiated.
However, I do want a couple of the lesser abused vampire tropes to be in play, most prominently the fact that vampires cannot enter a home without being invited inside.
I have an image in my head of our soon-to-be lovers sitting on each end of an open door frame, likely confronting each other about the weight of what their feelings have brought, one in a safe and warm home and the other in the pouring rain.
At first, the vampire would be cold, and would be using Vincent, using false promises of him being spared or lifted of his curse as means to entice him to do dirty work, but slowly, through their unavoidable interactions during said work, they would start to rub off on each other.
Maybe all the torment and misery the man had been put through would be completely equalized by one single kiss at the finale of their story?
Or would they continue as partners in crime to deal with some third party forces trying to tear them apart this time?
It’s interesting, methinks.
I have another story, albeit unpolished, about Vincent being a PI, but I haven’t grounded down the finer details yet, and I hope to expand on it soon, maybe with your help, if the former option doesn’t tickle your fancy?
This has already been an essay, and I graciously appreciate anybody who made it all the way to the bottom, and, unlike the rest of this document, I’ll keep the end short and sweet.
Till we meet.
- V.
submitted by bumbhewer to RoleplayPartnerSearch [link] [comments]
I’m looking for a partner to indulge in a romantic experience with, more of an enemies to lovers kind of shtick, but anything fits. If enemies don't work, then insufferable unlikely colleagues to lovers works too. I will explain the current plots I have lower in the post, but first some details about me, this kind of deal goes two ways, no? I’d love to know more about the person I’m engaging with, and sometimes it doesn’t have to be all business and no fun.
I’m an 18 year old guy with a mediocre artistic wrap sheet and an above mediocre writing record, or at least I’d like to think so. I would prefer people around or slightly above my age but I don’t discriminate, this is all about having a good time anyway, right? My prompt length can vary a lot, light years, as a matter of fact. I use discord and without nitro I am unfortunately limited, but they can go from three detailed lines to discord character limit, so have at it. My characters aren’t sunshine and rainbows whatsoever and I’d love to have a match in that setting, something more depressing, a melancholic kind of feel to it.
You know that feeling you get when you’re laying in bed at 4 in the morning, not even doing anything, just staring at the ceiling after having put down your phone when nothing has been happening on it, taking a moment just to reflect on things you’ve done today or the past week or are pondering next week’s activities, only coming to the hollow realization that they will be just as meaningless as the last weeks’?
That’s the kind of feeling I’m looking for.
Except with a little more a poetic flair to it, artistic pizzazz.
I don’t expect a happy ending at all, mind you, it’s just a feeling that I’m familiar with and can adapt and mold to the best.
But with all that aside, here are my ideas! Yours are always just as important and we can easily discuss any hiccups or changes that need to be corrected, don’t be afraid to speak up! This is just as much about my enjoyment as is yours.
Tap. Tap. Tap.
The noise that is most remarkable in the current situation.
Vincent taps his quill into the inkwell.
The rain against the window
Maybe I've mistaken the noise? Was it a tick-tock instead? Perhaps the hands on the clock slowly clawing their way closer to the 2 mark.
Either way, it was getting tiresome. Vincent had spent most of the evening and very early morning doing nothing but scribbling literate nonsense into a piece of paper. Words with barely any meaning combined into a pile of gibberish faintly connected together with some punctuation and a smidge of hidden innuendos. It was getting late.
The inside of the home wasn't exactly anything to be awed at, a normal looking office, connected to three other rooms. The living quarters, the bathroom, and the bedroom. A small house, but a large home. Plastered onto every wall of this place is a dark wallpaper, most of it covered up by paintings, bookshelves, all decorated with hand-carved ornaments of crows and ravens, other miscellaneous furniture scattered around, but barely of any significance, only taking up the empty space of what could be thinking room. In said office, sat upon a chair, laid a man. Miniature in physique, dressed rather nicely for this part of town, still struggling to think of anything to put on paper, paper laid in front of him, the desk only dimly lit by a candle.
He was getting frustrated, he's been going at this project for weeks now and it has brought nothing but sleepless nights and a lot of wasted, rather expensive mind you, paper. He put the quill down and lifted his elbows up to the table, resting his head in his hands, briefly gazing through the window in front of his desk, watching the raindrops slide slowly down from the top to the sill.
Maybe he just needs a break, he thought. If he just goes for some air, like the guys at the pub always tell him to do, maybe he'd feel better.
'What the hell?' he thought to himself, he might as well, he needs a smoke anyway.
And so he did. He climbed up and out of the old, slightly dusty chair and pulled it to the side, reaching for his cane he had left leaning against the desk, but missing, at least the first time.
Having only one eye means it's difficult to see how far away some things are, it's not his fault, but he still gets annoyed at it.
He sighed and took the cane by the handle, a beautifully carved raven skull resting atop the dark wooden shaft of a walking cane, truly the gentleman's walking apparatus.
He planted it firmly into the ground and began to limp his way towards the front door.
He'd been sitting all day trying to come up with something to write, his leg was stiff and hurt a little more now that he was moving it again, but usually it wouldn't hurt this much.
Eventually, he made it.
He opened the door and stepped out into the pouring rain, the street only slightly illuminated by the small rays of moonlight peeking through the clouds, and the dangling lanterns on the street posts.
He took out his pipe, already pre-stuffed with tobacco because he knew it'd never light in the rain if he stuffed it now, and set it alight with a tinderbox he'd stolen from his old friend at the tavern.
It was a beautiful night. He didn't mind the rain, in fact, it was therapeutic for him.
He inhaled and exhaled clouds of not yet known lung cancerous smoke into the air, switching his gaze from the cobblestone ground to the dark, stormy skies above, completely ignoring the fact that his clothes were almost completely soaked already.
And then, he thought.
He sat, and pondered, and thought. He was to get out of this endless loop eventually, no?
He doesn't want to get home and waste paper for the next weeks like this, he needs to come up with a plan or something.
He'll wait in the rain until something hits him, something has to hit him. The rain will be his muse.
Not very evident here, but in this one I’m thinking of a story involving vampires.
Yeah, yeah, I’ve heard it all before, generic and boring, but hear me out this once.
This vampire will not be the generic ones just aiming to attack some poor pedestrian for a fill, and then catch feelings through some magical ways of negotiation, no.
This one isn’t planning on sparing her prey tonight.
This woman is cold, classy, and not up for negotiation, she’s going to attack, get her fill, and abduct the poor crippled man to use for her own schemes or whatever vampires do.
This is not set in stone, obviously, and I’m not going to dictate how your character is going to act at all, if you don’t want any of this, then it can be negotiated.
However, I do want a couple of the lesser abused vampire tropes to be in play, most prominently the fact that vampires cannot enter a home without being invited inside.
I have an image in my head of our soon-to-be lovers sitting on each end of an open door frame, likely confronting each other about the weight of what their feelings have brought, one in a safe and warm home and the other in the pouring rain.
At first, the vampire would be cold, and would be using Vincent, using false promises of him being spared or lifted of his curse as means to entice him to do dirty work, but slowly, through their unavoidable interactions during said work, they would start to rub off on each other.
Maybe all the torment and misery the man had been put through would be completely equalized by one single kiss at the finale of their story?
Or would they continue as partners in crime to deal with some third party forces trying to tear them apart this time?
It’s interesting, methinks.
I have another story, albeit unpolished, about Vincent being a PI, but I haven’t grounded down the finer details yet, and I hope to expand on it soon, maybe with your help, if the former option doesn’t tickle your fancy?
This has already been an essay, and I graciously appreciate anybody who made it all the way to the bottom, and, unlike the rest of this document, I’ll keep the end short and sweet.
Till we meet.
- V.
2023.06.05 04:33 smolcrackheadenergy TWICE's Between 1&2 💞 11th Mini Album Review
Hello, kpopthoughts! Originally this was posted in twice but one of my friends said I should crosspost it here — so here this album review is.
And yes, this is 9 months late 😭 I'm not sorry — when I find an album review online it's always around a paragraph per song or even shorter. It makes sense from a journalistic perspective, but I want to do this album justice, hence taking 7 months to write out all my thoughts.
This shit is comprehensive and definitely overanalyzed, especially in Talk that Talk and Trouble. Each song review will compose of my commentary, noting the details I noticed through months of listening, then a conclusion. Also, mild swearing warning, I like implementing a touch of "French" when I'm very emotional about something. Anyway, onto the review!
TELL ME WHAT YOU WANT
TELL ME WHAT YOU NEED
One of the most perfect TWICE songs.
I think this is one of TWICE’s best-sounding title tracks. Warm modulated synths, a thrumming bass line, distant bells, shimmering synths — the purpose of this song is to be fun and my god is it excellent at it, like, Sana and Chaeyoung are saying knock-knock-knock and beep-beep-beep as if they’re some kind of car. So much fun.
Further along in the verse, Dahyun’s voice sounds so full and smooth with that layered harmony. Tzuyu coming with the Yes or Yes, Push & Pull, and 1 to 10 references — these are 5 years of song references. And Jeongyeon closes the pre-chorus accompanied by a rising synth to drop into chorus one. Jeongyeon slays pre-choruses.
The drums accelerate, the synths start blasting, and Jihyo opens to that party of a chorus with her godly vocals,
During Sana's Talk that Talk~ lines there’s this gentle ascending synth bell that rings with the descending melody and it sounds absolutely gorgeous. And the choreography during that part of the chorus is so so so so fun: the talking hands bit, spelling L-O-V-E, concluding with the deullyeojweo ooh! Oh my Jihyo the deullyeojweo ooh…
Have I mentioned this song is fun?
Speeding through verse 2; Chaeyoung’s part with the cat ears popping in the music video is adorable; Momo her stretching her arms out looks so damn cool; and Dahyun with her replay part sounds so lovely — although I think it sonically sounds a touch random, it makes sense thematically.
And now for this pre-chorus. Mina and Jihyo leading into it sound great BUT JEONGYEON… Now, she is my ult bias, and this pre-chorus sounds almost identical to the first one, but the way she holds that final note, inflecting and holding that now~ for one more beat before the chorus drops sounds so perfect — the song teeters on a cliff edge. Jeongyeon slays pre-choruses.
Dropping into the second chorus and man the way Nayeon delivers it just hits different. She has this indescribable “pop” voice (I promise this wasn't on purpose) that shouts out loud that this is THE chorus. This is especially apparent in how both lead their choruses where Jihyo starts at 120% power while Nayeon waits until [Tell me] WHAT YOU WANT to full-send it. The production also helps with this effect, cutting out during what you to emphasize Nayeon's voice before crashing back down, double the pause at Jihyo's intro.
Another deullyeojweo ooh! Nayeon travels to Narnia, and Mina the engineer strikes again in this heavenly, underwater-esque bridge,
The word “love” is said for the first time in the song. There’s a funky keyboard instrument behind Chaeyoung’s part. Jihyo, Chaeyoung, and Nayeon take the initiative in their lyrics, professing their love before closing the bridge.
And now for the pièce-de-résistance: this final double chorus is exceptional — 40 seconds of crack-laced euphoria; Jihyo switches up the chorus and the choreo, Dahyun chimes in with her fluttery Talk that Talk, Momo comes out of nowhere with oh yeah it sounds so good! — you’re damn right it does, and this is where the song SOARS.
Nayeon outright shouts Tell me what you need and then Jeongyeon sings the above lines in such an ethereal, warm way where the first line ascends while the second descends, causing a lull in the song before the finale with Tzuyu and Nayeon, finishing off the song with the final deullyeojweo ooh!
What a party. What a song.
THE GOOD
Lyrics and theme-wise, if this were to have been TWICE’s last comeback, they’ve once again built upon the theme they've been doing since debut: a Bildungsroman, a coming-of-age story.
This song’s chorus is honest yet simple; it asks the listener, in this case, the other half of the relationship, to be more upfront and open with their love (never be scared of love), that before the relationship can continue and flourish, there has to be a foundation and commitment of love between each other.
TWICE debuted with a song about making your crush go ooh ahh. Years later, they started pondering What is Love? and imagining their crush responding with Yes when asking them out — and now concluding with the phrase Talk that Talk, [Talk that] L-O-V-E, being upfront with the relationship, wishing their partner to also be happy, to commit to them, to feel the love that they want to impart on them. From gawking like ooh-ahh to talking out your shared love like adults — to having a true relationship between (one and) two.
And can I just say before finishing off Talk that Talk's review that this is such a fun and repeatable song with many little intricacies hidden in the nonet’s vocals and the song's production. This is the third draft I’m writing about Talk that Talk and its original word count pretty much quadrupled.
Harkening back to TWICE’s roots by combining mature thinking with youthful character, an incredible ending to look forward to, and just simply being a club-banger that’s easy to listen to, TTT is an easy 10/10.
WATCH ME GO WATCH ME GO
RULE THE WORLD
If there was one B-side to promote in a live clip, this was a solid choice.
Helmed by LDN Noise going headlong into the Western boy-group rock-band aesthetic, Queen of Hearts is a boom-boom-clap song through and through. The drums are very prominent throughout the song, only giving room to riffs of electric guitar in the chorus to drive and continue the momentum of the music.
And speaking of the chorus, vocal line each got a chorus to flex and they did not fuck around,
Cymbals crashing, drums booming, and 3MIX belting all just so sound so good.
These long, held-out notes performed by Jihyo and Nayeon are simply exquisite. Along with the shredding guitar, the drum set coming in full, and the interludes by Dahyun, Momo, and Chaeyoung, this is the part of the song that always, always, gives me goosebumps — it sounds so visceral, so energetic, so fun, so triumphant. Boom-boom-clap songs can be hit or miss with people, but there's no denying the payoff from the first part of the chorus to the second part is worth the wait.
The theme of the song so far has been kind of spread around the song. The chorus alludes to it with the line And it’s all because of you. But Mina shows more sides of it in the second verse, especially with the phrase,
It sounds really lovely — in a very cheesy and affectionate kind of way, as it rightfully should — the song is about the girls and their fans. But the bridge is where the song indeed shows its colours
This is a song CONCEIVED TO BE PERFORMED FOR THE FANS. It’s meant to be loud. It’s meant to be unapologetic. It’s meant to be sappy. And it’s all the more wonderful for it.
This is the TWICEiest shit ever.
Like Talk that Talk, Queen of Hearts also has a killer closer. The production already started to grow from the bridge, but now the guitarist finally went Super Saiyan and instead of supporting the drums, they both take the centre stage in tandem.
Then finally, the closing moments of the song even manage to squeeze in some more sappiness.
I still can’t believe that this banger is a FAN SONG out of all things. Truly, the TWICEiest shit ever.
THE GOOD
I love these types of rock songs with how grunge and head-bang-able they are, there is just a certain nostalgic and cheesy quality to them that feels so cozy. I don’t love putting them on repeat, because in this case, I do believe there is such a thing as too much of a good thing. Perhaps more shredding, maybe a guitar solo to rock out to, or an accompaniment(!) of ad-libs from 3MIX to support Jihyo’s final chorus? A ONCE can dream of a truly bombastic rock song from TWICE. But then again that distracts from the core of what this song is: a fan song disguised as a rock song.
Queen of Hearts has so much sweetness in its lyrics and message that it's overflowing. The drums, guitar, and vocals can be as loud and intricate as they can, but the theme of this song is what makes it special from TWICE’s other rock songs — it’s a 9/10 for me.
I WANNA WANNA WANNA
TAKE YOU TO THE BASICS
Quite possibly the jammiest (pun intended) song of the album.
A song written by the Strawberry Princess herself — an event similar in frequency to other artists' releases with her last song being 2020’s silky Handle It — Basics first starts with an understated and dreamy delivery. After the first stanza, however, a bouncy Miami bass line emerges, revealing the true nature of the song: this is a classic summer bop! Especially in the first rap,
Syllables are pronounced in a relaxed nature, bars often starting with an "ah" sound, flirty lines in English — this rap features a production full of pop with R&B flourishes and, in my opinion, this is Chaeyoung’s bag. Also, the line rainbow bubblegum is so adorable and so Chaeyoung.
That chorus is pure pop with a Miami bass backing; you better be bopping your head to the melody, if not booty poppin' to the bassline. Chaeyoung loves rhyming in the first half of the chorus to enhance its catchiness and it's damn incredible: wanna, weonhae, and ppeonhae all create these imperfect rhymes that continue momentum without feeling repetitive.
After the very Boy With Luv-sounding ah yeah ah yeah, ah yeah ah yeah comes an 8-bar split half and half between Chaeyoung and Momo. Coming from the chorus, the production completely cuts out for the first 2 bars. This adds tension; the song yearns to have that bass beat thumping again and all we have in the audio space in those 2 bars is Chaeyoung spittin' and she delivered.
Translating to:
The rap feels slick, effortless, and confident. Her diction remains sharp when enunciating each syllable but she doesn’t let the flow of her rap waver or build as her 4 bars go by, it’s just smooth consistency throughout. Even the lyrics possess an aura of laid-back collectedness that is just so her. The things Chaeyoung can do when given her pen.
THE GOOD
This song is summer bliss distilled into 2:56. It’s dreamy, the raps are satisfying, and the ending is charming. I will say that although the second half of the song adds the stunning spaceship post-choruses and a floaty bridge with an incredible drumbeat drop into the final chorus, the raps of the song make it feel a bit front-loaded. And in an album stacked with awesome finishers, it feels more apparent.
With that said, it’s an 8/10 bop for me. This song is so easy to put on and it feels exactly what Chaeyoung would make if given the reins to produce a pop song all on her own. The lyrics are nonchalant but full of conviction, the wordplay is intricate, and the production playful but not too bombastic — it's just a nice vibe. Songs like Basics are the standard for good, simple, repeatable pop music and I’m happy that Chaeyoung got to test her pen in this genre.
BABY WE’RE IN
TROUBLE TROUBLE
Produced by Jihyo and earattack
One of the most enjoyable songs I’ve heard in a while.
There is an underlying tension within the first 4 bars of the song, Jihyo and Nayeon confidently open it to a nondescript array of synths and then the stanza ends, Momo announces Let’s go, the beat drops and it hits you: this is a club song.
Dahyun's relaxed delivery contrasting with Jeongyeon's staccato flow, the wobbly synth beat mixed with a sprinkle of house piano, Sana dramatically slowing down the song only for Tzuyu to build it back up until the chorus drops,
This chorus is perfect. Toronto’s residential market needs this song injected into its veins because god damn this song has SO much house in it. And then, ANOTHER KILLING PART: this rap fucking slaps.
During the first 2 bars, Chaeyoung is keeping it calm because that trip of a chorus just ended and the song needs a breather, but I don't think anyone expected her to SNAP this hard afterwards:
Below is the structure of her this portion of the rap, I’m not that well versed in this technical aspect of music theory but I digress, this is all in the span of around 5 seconds where it’s:
Now, 25/5 = 5 syllables per second isn’t groundbreaking, but goddamn it these 2 bars sound so nice — if there is one part in this album that I always repeat, it’s this. The addition of that first quadruplet for cannot miss this in the midst of the triplets sticks out and accelerates the flow of the rap while the following doublets and quadruplets destabilize and slow the rap down as the verse closes. And can I just point out:
THE MAIN VOCALIST WROTE, DIRECTED, AND COMPOSED THIS SONG ‼
Chaeyoung of course delivered the fuck out of her verse but THIS is what you get when you have a member not only write the words they’re saying but also the melody and flow with which they sing it, when that member knows the others so well that when they write a song they know how to make the group exceed. This is what you get when the artists you stan love doing artist shit.
And. AND. That's not all — with how much I mentioned I love a good outro to close a song, this outro slaps as well:
Like, come on, Nayeon’s imitating a police siren for crying out loud. And this is all after her ad-libs in the final post-chorus; after the pianist going full tilt and playing that piano as if it was their last chance to ever play; after that final T W I C E chant by all the members come these blissful 20 seconds at the very end. What a song.
THE GOOD
Need I say more, easy 9/10. The only reason I place Talk that Talk above Trouble is because of what that song represents but besides that, this is one of the best “international” sounds they’ve put out. Actually, I haven’t listened to Eyes wide open in a while but this song is up there with one of the most sonically pleasing pieces of work they’ve done.
Clubbing TWICE has always been a thing since TT was birthed in 2016, and has been a staple of their discography since 2019’s Fancy You and Feel Special mini albums, but Trouble unapologetically dives into and fits the house genre so well you’d think that this is TWICE’s bread and butter sound.
Trouble is Jihyo’s magnum opus. What a song.
BRAVE BRAVE BRAVE
FOR YOU
I first thought this was just a good song, then I read the lyrics.
Gentle guitar plucks, shimmering synths, a distant keyboard in the right ear, in the left a glockenspiel, the melodic oohs from the members — this song is PRETTY.
Mina and Chaeyoung open the song with how they feel lonely, that it's hard to breathe and now suddenly the song feels bittersweet — I was not expecting the song to become this emotional. Brave describes a situation where the singer is in a darker place in life and it isn't until another person gives them hope by calling them Brave that they find the drive to keep going.
Once the chorus hits, the melodies pick up, more guitars get added — there’s even an electric guitar hidden in the mix somewhere, and the song drops the emotional front to reveal a mid-tempo pop song to dance to while crying in the club. The song as a whole still carries this melancholy feeling, but now with the added support of the chorus, acting as a light amongst the gloom.
Continuing on in the second verse there's this gorgeous, well-placed break in the song that just lets it settle after that chorus. Only a seasoned producer would risk this much empty space in a song and Slow Rabbit went to fill those shoes.
Back to the chorus, I'll take this moment to once again commend Slow Rabbit with the mixing of the song, because 4MIX undoubtedly sounds good in the chorus, and the interludes from Dahyun, Chaeyoung, and Mina also sound really good, but the clear highlight of the choruses are these lines:
Momo, Sana, and Tzuyu form this beautiful, surprisingly catchy, second half of the chorus accompanied by a guitar drop. It should not turn out this well with how conflicting the "na"s are with the guitar melody but it creates this gentle bopping ebb and flow that feels so lush and mellow.
Diving into the bridge reveals that the listener of the song is revealed not only capable of supporting the singer through direct words but also through their thoughts and dreams. As can be discerned, this can be a song interpreted to be about ONCEs, about how they push TWICE to be their best selves despite the breathless hardships they face. It's a very sweet and touching song.
THE GOOD
I’m actually spoiled with the TWICE members’ easy-to-understand songwriting that when a song like this pops up where it's not written by a member and the thematic bits are mostly in Korean, I tend to put it aside in favour of the other songs on the album. And, especially for a song focusing on a theme like this where the English phrases don’t do the Korean lyrics enough justice, it does place a bit of a barrier on the listening experience, dropping it down to a 7/10 from an 8/10.
With that anecdote out of the way, this song is just such a vibe, man. I know that sounds super hippy to say but Brave is so mellow and smooth that I can’t help but sway a little when that chorus hits. And then I remember what the lyrics say and I tear up a bit on the inside. This song is so pure, raw, and full of heart — we need more songs like these where they just reminisce about life while putting up an upbeat front. Don't mind me just crying while dancing the night away.
With that said, this isn't the first time this theme has been sung by TWICE either, they've long trodden this path of supportive, confiding, up-lifting songs with Young & Wild, Rainbow, Queen, Go Hard, Depend on You, even this album's Queen of Hearts, and, of course, Feel Special. Brave just adds another on top of an already stacked lineup, unique with its mellow somberness.
Also now feels like a good time to get into my rating system:
I SEE THE LIES
ON THE TIP OF YOUR TONGUE
Who the fuck pissed off Dubu this time??
It’s getting quite rare to see TWICE pull off brand new sounds because, with now 190 original songs under their belt as of this review, they’ve done so many genres and sub-genres varying from hyper pop, to bossa nova, to whatever 2020’s Go Hard is. So it’s surprising to see they’ve still got tricks up their sleeves and Gone is one of them.
The song starts with strings swinging back and forth and vocal chops dancing from ear to ear, teasing what’s yet to come. Jihyo enters the song with a whisper and the song sets its pace. A stagnant drum pad moves the song along and typical song progression would have Mina continue the build, but — it doesn’t. The song simmers, adding a hint of high hat to the pot. And then Sana and Tzuyu come on and surely the buildup must boil over right?
Silence, until…
The strings emerge again on full blast, the simmer rolls to a boil, and the anger of the song is revealed,
The singer is so scorned and burned from this relationship that they reminisce about all the effort they’ve put in since the beginning, but their “partner” is so unconcerned that they’ve just about had enough of the relationship altogether.
This has been Dahyun’s thing since 2020’s Bring It Back, 2021’s Cruel, 2022’s That’s all I’m saying, and even 2023's Don't Blame It On Me — emotionally charged breakup songs that make you feel as if she’s survived through a dozen bad relationships. Dispatch, do try to do your job better.
Another highlight of the song is the post-chorus going into the bridge. This segment reiterates the structure from the first post-chorus — a barrage of drums supported by the rhythmic strumming of a bass guitar along with a consistent synth filling out the soundscape. But this time, it’s Dahyun and Chaeyoung on the rap:
Building upon the disrespected theme of the song, Dahyun notes that she’s finally had enough with Chaeyoung adding that there’s no point salvaging what love was once there. Momo and Dahyun round it off by telling the listener that there’s no point trying to reason with them or playing naive, they fucked up and there’s no coming back.
Can I just say, it's a bit of a shame that Chaeyoung’s rapping popped off in this album while Dahyun only has this one verse that she shares with Chaeyoung, but it just sounds so good how Dahyun eases in after the chorus with her light rapping tone transitioning into her singing. She even holds the Gone in a little crescendo for some added pizzazz.
And, there’s no way I’m not going to talk about Momo’s vocals in this bridge. Damned if she only got 1 line to use it in, her lower register is incredible. She sounds so smooth singing in this tone. All of TWICE do in particular and there is nary a weak vocal performance in this album.
To close the song off, a wash of synths gets to have their shine in the spotlight, showered with Nayeon’s belting, signifying the dramatic and drawn-out conclusion of this partnership.
THE GOOD
Going back to that point about the first post-chorus as a whole; songs that have the production continue unchanged into the post-chorus/2nd verse are very hit or miss for me — see TWICE's Don't Call Me Again for an overbearing example. The post-chorus going into the bridge contrasts Dahyun’s light tone nicely with the hard-hitting production, continuing the energy until it slowly fades into silence at the end of the bridge.
Back to the song as a whole, as much as TWICE has been experimenting with their sound for the past 4 years now, I’m happy they’re still finding new ways to explore what they’re capable of. And for that alone, even though I’m not a big fan of songs like these where they rely on sounding “big”, Dahyun’s lyricism and the thrill I receive every time I indulge myself in this song elevates it to an 8/10. Keep on breaking hearts, Dubu.
INVINCIBLE
SUPERHEROES
Press play to reminisce, pull up lyrics to cry.
This song is so beautiful. I’m totally not writing this song review, crying on the bus reminiscing about my childhood, while just having turned 21. I don’t know if these are happy or sad tears but this song is so beautiful either way.
Warm synths, muted piano, a gentle high hat, the younger members starting off the song — this has to be up there for one of the softest TWICE songs ever. And as it should, it’s one of the TWICEiest songs ever. And then Nayeon comes in:
The chords start swelling, the high hat keeps pace, and the harmonies pour in.
Jihyo takes up the second half of the chorus as it drops, trading the strings for an almost R&B synth production — if choir R&B takes off, this song started it. The song relishes in this cacophony of warm sounds until returning to its sparse and peaceful verses.
This time, the hints of piano are louder, little twinkling synths begin to shimmer, the drum buildup comes and Jeongyeon drives the song straight into the chorus. No time for the strings to build like in Nayeon’s — this song loves its chorus so much.
And I'll just take this time to appreciate the amount and range of Jeongyeon vocals in this album. Her voice is so textured, stable, and projected — but also more tender and soft compared to the more pronounced tones of Nayeon and Jihyo.
The bridge comes in, repeating the phrase:
Giving the song time to rest, before building back up to the last chorus — this time led by Jihyo, completing the 3MIX trifecta. And interestingly enough, Chaeyoung follows up in the second half of the chorus, rather than another member of the vocal line. She really did pop off in this album.
As the last chorus begins to close, the percussion at its strongest, the harmonies on blast, the background vocals cranked up to their Sunday best, is the song going to end? Of course not! This is an album full of banger endings as if the songs don’t want to end, and When We Were Kids being the album closer very much indulges in that feeling.
After a brief refrain, accented by Nayeon’s high note with a touch of vibrato, the song almost dives back into a fourth chorus. Nayeon and Jeongyeon harmonize — a rare and heavenly moment. And the song repeats the bridge, reiterating that they want to meet their younger selves, this time with the lush chorus production before closing with silence, a few piano notes, and Tzuyu singing the last line of the song:
Reflection, acceptance, hope. What a song.
THE GOOD
I wrote the first part of this review in November 2022. Then university, life, and other things got in the way of my headspace for me to feel confident about wrapping all of this up. In a way, I felt like I just didn’t want this review to end because of the joy that writing gives me — I didn’t want the happiness to end. And then it hit me, after watching a YouTuber rank animated movies and them placing Spirited Away at the top and explaining 'why' reminded me of just how important growing up is, and by extension this song.
This theme is important for both the rookie TWICE members in 2015 and the teenagers who would follow their journey and grow up with them, facing life’s obstacles along the way. Hardships that used to only involve family, crushes, and social media, evolve into work, commitments and all the struggles that adult life brings. Being a kid and enjoying the simple things in life is one of the most sought-after moments we want to relive because we took growing up for granted. The only thing we can do now is look back on ourselves with fondness and rose-tinted lenses.
TWICE’s original meaning was to resonate with people through their senses and their hearts. That was during their debut, and I think it still holds up today. In my opinion, touching people through their emotions is what TWICE does best and makes them one of K-pop’s all-time greats. It was never about having the best numbers — it was about being the best idols. And to think that this journey of maturation and growth would occur from 2015 all the way to this song, being a fitting nod to TWICE’s 7th anniversary, I don’t think anyone at the company nor the group would ever imagine that they would get this far. It’s these nine women or none — 9/10.
This song honestly deserves a 10/10 with how much I noticed other people reminiscing their childhoods after I heard this song, it is such a widely-relatable message, but I am determined to limit myself to one 10/10 song per album and if I were to pick between TTT and WWWK, I'd give it to the one's that's more repeatable — Talk that Talk just has this electric energy about it.
I love this album. It got me through some important parts of my life, both good and bad, and it's just a wonderful listen throughout. Reliving this album again before finally completing the review has been an exciting journey. Brave hit me harder this time, after being overshadowed by the other gems of this album, and WWWK finally got me to tear up and not just be emotionally satisfied.
I feel like there's something for everyone on this album. From the exhilarating thrills of TTT to the anthemic euphoria of QoH, the clubbing dichotomy of Trouble and Brave to the blissful glee of Basics, and the sweet reminiscence of WWWK to the thundering anger that is Gone. Like Eyes wide open, I liken Between 1&2 to a pop music taste platter — there's such an eclectic mix of pop music in this album that there's bound to be a song that someone will love, like, and dislike.
Is this album perfect? I don't think so, but it's close — it was certainly my 2022 AOTY. Was this review biased? Absolutely. I've been a fan since 2019 and with the themes in this album, I also feel like it was biased towards me as a ONCE. And how would I rank the album in TWICE's catalogue? It's honestly at the top, at least with EPs — I also felt that way towards Feel Special but then this album was birthed so I'm excited for TWICE's future.
Ready To Be was also a stunning album and Eyes wide open frankly also deserved the spotlight that Formula of Love received so I might hit those next but no promises; this album took long enough to bake.
As for the performances, I've only seen Twitter clips (no fancams to not spoil myself) and I am SO EXCITED to finally see them in July. QoH was as glorious as expected, Brave was a delightful surprise, and WWWK, while not being the concert closer everyone expected it to be, paired up nicely with Crazy Stupid Love. And of course the bombastic addition of the dance break to TTT. But, this is not a concert review, and here is where this album review ends.
Feel free to comment with any thoughts regarding the album, other TWICE albums, and any suggestions for my writing in general. Congrats again on making it this far!
God, I love this album.
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Intro
To preface the review, I just need to say that this is going to be a very long read. Going through it myself for the fun of it takes around 30 minutes — it's almost 7k words, including lyrical references. So for the best experience, listen to the album beforehand to understand what the hell I was thinking when I wrote this, play the album while reading, and set a good amount of time aside.And yes, this is 9 months late 😭 I'm not sorry — when I find an album review online it's always around a paragraph per song or even shorter. It makes sense from a journalistic perspective, but I want to do this album justice, hence taking 7 months to write out all my thoughts.
This shit is comprehensive and definitely overanalyzed, especially in Talk that Talk and Trouble. Each song review will compose of my commentary, noting the details I noticed through months of listening, then a conclusion. Also, mild swearing warning, I like implementing a touch of "French" when I'm very emotional about something. Anyway, onto the review!
Between 1&2 💞
Album Review
TELL ME WHAT YOU WANT
TELL ME WHAT YOU NEED
Talk that Talk 🎙
Producers by collapsedone and MRCH
One of the most perfect TWICE songs.
I think this is one of TWICE’s best-sounding title tracks. Warm modulated synths, a thrumming bass line, distant bells, shimmering synths — the purpose of this song is to be fun and my god is it excellent at it, like, Sana and Chaeyoung are saying knock-knock-knock and beep-beep-beep as if they’re some kind of car. So much fun.
Further along in the verse, Dahyun’s voice sounds so full and smooth with that layered harmony. Tzuyu coming with the Yes or Yes, Push & Pull, and 1 to 10 references — these are 5 years of song references. And Jeongyeon closes the pre-chorus accompanied by a rising synth to drop into chorus one. Jeongyeon slays pre-choruses.
The drums accelerate, the synths start blasting, and Jihyo opens to that party of a chorus with her godly vocals,
Tell me what you want
Tell me what you need
A to Z da malhaebwa
But shijageun ireoke have
Talk that Talk ttak han madi
Talk that Talk L-O-V-E
deullyeojweo ooh
Now now now now now yeah~
During Sana's Talk that Talk~ lines there’s this gentle ascending synth bell that rings with the descending melody and it sounds absolutely gorgeous. And the choreography during that part of the chorus is so so so so fun: the talking hands bit, spelling L-O-V-E, concluding with the deullyeojweo ooh! Oh my Jihyo the deullyeojweo ooh…
Have I mentioned this song is fun?
Speeding through verse 2; Chaeyoung’s part with the cat ears popping in the music video is adorable; Momo her stretching her arms out looks so damn cool; and Dahyun with her replay part sounds so lovely — although I think it sonically sounds a touch random, it makes sense thematically.
And now for this pre-chorus. Mina and Jihyo leading into it sound great BUT JEONGYEON… Now, she is my ult bias, and this pre-chorus sounds almost identical to the first one, but the way she holds that final note, inflecting and holding that now~ for one more beat before the chorus drops sounds so perfect — the song teeters on a cliff edge. Jeongyeon slays pre-choruses.
Dropping into the second chorus and man the way Nayeon delivers it just hits different. She has this indescribable “pop” voice (I promise this wasn't on purpose) that shouts out loud that this is THE chorus. This is especially apparent in how both lead their choruses where Jihyo starts at 120% power while Nayeon waits until [Tell me] WHAT YOU WANT to full-send it. The production also helps with this effect, cutting out during what you to emphasize Nayeon's voice before crashing back down, double the pause at Jihyo's intro.
Another deullyeojweo ooh! Nayeon travels to Narnia, and Mina the engineer strikes again in this heavenly, underwater-esque bridge,
The simple words “I love you”
That’s all I wanna hear
Without hesitation, I’ll go up to you
I’ll make it simple
And just tell you I love you
The word “love” is said for the first time in the song. There’s a funky keyboard instrument behind Chaeyoung’s part. Jihyo, Chaeyoung, and Nayeon take the initiative in their lyrics, professing their love before closing the bridge.
And now for the pièce-de-résistance: this final double chorus is exceptional — 40 seconds of crack-laced euphoria; Jihyo switches up the chorus and the choreo, Dahyun chimes in with her fluttery Talk that Talk, Momo comes out of nowhere with oh yeah it sounds so good! — you’re damn right it does, and this is where the song SOARS.
han beon deo~ haejweo
geurae banggeum geu mal~
Nayeon outright shouts Tell me what you need and then Jeongyeon sings the above lines in such an ethereal, warm way where the first line ascends while the second descends, causing a lull in the song before the finale with Tzuyu and Nayeon, finishing off the song with the final deullyeojweo ooh!
What a party. What a song.
THE GOOD
- The synths of all time
- The chimes during Talk-that-talk~
- Jeongyeon’s pre-chorus going into Nayeon’s chorus
- Rich harmonies and fun ad-libs
- The entirety of that magical final chorus and outro
- The opening hook (Tell me what you want) and accompanying choreography could be “catchier”
- Singing (and dancing) my heart out when this song played at a K-pop club
Lyrics and theme-wise, if this were to have been TWICE’s last comeback, they’ve once again built upon the theme they've been doing since debut: a Bildungsroman, a coming-of-age story.
This song’s chorus is honest yet simple; it asks the listener, in this case, the other half of the relationship, to be more upfront and open with their love (never be scared of love), that before the relationship can continue and flourish, there has to be a foundation and commitment of love between each other.
TWICE debuted with a song about making your crush go ooh ahh. Years later, they started pondering What is Love? and imagining their crush responding with Yes when asking them out — and now concluding with the phrase Talk that Talk, [Talk that] L-O-V-E, being upfront with the relationship, wishing their partner to also be happy, to commit to them, to feel the love that they want to impart on them. From gawking like ooh-ahh to talking out your shared love like adults — to having a true relationship between (one and) two.
And can I just say before finishing off Talk that Talk's review that this is such a fun and repeatable song with many little intricacies hidden in the nonet’s vocals and the song's production. This is the third draft I’m writing about Talk that Talk and its original word count pretty much quadrupled.
Harkening back to TWICE’s roots by combining mature thinking with youthful character, an incredible ending to look forward to, and just simply being a club-banger that’s easy to listen to, TTT is an easy 10/10.
WATCH ME GO WATCH ME GO
RULE THE WORLD
Queen of Hearts 👑
Produced by LDN Noise
If there was one B-side to promote in a live clip, this was a solid choice.
Helmed by LDN Noise going headlong into the Western boy-group rock-band aesthetic, Queen of Hearts is a boom-boom-clap song through and through. The drums are very prominent throughout the song, only giving room to riffs of electric guitar in the chorus to drive and continue the momentum of the music.
And speaking of the chorus, vocal line each got a chorus to flex and they did not fuck around,
You ain’t ready for it
Watch me go~ watch me go~
Rule the world
Know you never doubted baby
I’mma go run the whole universe~
Cymbals crashing, drums booming, and 3MIX belting all just so sound so good.
Baby I was born to rule~~
Yeah I’m the Queen, I’m the Queen
And it’s all because of you~~
That I’m the Queen of Hearts
These long, held-out notes performed by Jihyo and Nayeon are simply exquisite. Along with the shredding guitar, the drum set coming in full, and the interludes by Dahyun, Momo, and Chaeyoung, this is the part of the song that always, always, gives me goosebumps — it sounds so visceral, so energetic, so fun, so triumphant. Boom-boom-clap songs can be hit or miss with people, but there's no denying the payoff from the first part of the chorus to the second part is worth the wait.
The theme of the song so far has been kind of spread around the song. The chorus alludes to it with the line And it’s all because of you. But Mina shows more sides of it in the second verse, especially with the phrase,
And now that I’m surrounded by all my girls
We be shining bright like diamonds and pearls
It sounds really lovely — in a very cheesy and affectionate kind of way, as it rightfully should — the song is about the girls and their fans. But the bridge is where the song indeed shows its colours
Screaming out my name
See it in the stage lights
Feel so lucky just to have ya
Cause I know deep down I was meant for something bigger! Greater!
I know you’re seeing what I see
Yeah I’ll be everything you need
I know I’m gonna walk the walk
And talk the talk to be~ [the Queen of Hearts]
This is a song CONCEIVED TO BE PERFORMED FOR THE FANS. It’s meant to be loud. It’s meant to be unapologetic. It’s meant to be sappy. And it’s all the more wonderful for it.
This is the TWICEiest shit ever.
Like Talk that Talk, Queen of Hearts also has a killer closer. The production already started to grow from the bridge, but now the guitarist finally went Super Saiyan and instead of supporting the drums, they both take the centre stage in tandem.
Then finally, the closing moments of the song even manage to squeeze in some more sappiness.
So thank you for the memories
You’re all the ones who made me~
So thank you for the memories
That I’m the Queen of Hearts
I still can’t believe that this banger is a FAN SONG out of all things. Truly, the TWICEiest shit ever.
THE GOOD
- Adorable fucking lyrics
- Unrelenting, roaring chorus
- English and vocal flex
- Intoxicating guitar riffs
- Chaeyoung rapping in English in their Korean songs somehow slaps harder than her English rapping in their English songs, nonetheless, in QoH, it fits with the sound of the song
- Walking home from a K-pop festival with this song playing, felt like a Queen of Hearts
I love these types of rock songs with how grunge and head-bang-able they are, there is just a certain nostalgic and cheesy quality to them that feels so cozy. I don’t love putting them on repeat, because in this case, I do believe there is such a thing as too much of a good thing. Perhaps more shredding, maybe a guitar solo to rock out to, or an accompaniment(!) of ad-libs from 3MIX to support Jihyo’s final chorus? A ONCE can dream of a truly bombastic rock song from TWICE. But then again that distracts from the core of what this song is: a fan song disguised as a rock song.
Queen of Hearts has so much sweetness in its lyrics and message that it's overflowing. The drums, guitar, and vocals can be as loud and intricate as they can, but the theme of this song is what makes it special from TWICE’s other rock songs — it’s a 9/10 for me.
I WANNA WANNA WANNA
TAKE YOU TO THE BASICS
Basics 🌈
Lyrics by Chaeyoung
Quite possibly the jammiest (pun intended) song of the album.
A song written by the Strawberry Princess herself — an event similar in frequency to other artists' releases with her last song being 2020’s silky Handle It — Basics first starts with an understated and dreamy delivery. After the first stanza, however, a bouncy Miami bass line emerges, revealing the true nature of the song: this is a classic summer bop! Especially in the first rap,
dareun aedeulgwaneun dalla
Ain’t beggin’ for love
nappeun geon anijana ige naraseo
eodiro twilji molla
Like rainbow bubble gum
geureoni nal kkwak butjabadweo
Syllables are pronounced in a relaxed nature, bars often starting with an "ah" sound, flirty lines in English — this rap features a production full of pop with R&B flourishes and, in my opinion, this is Chaeyoung’s bag. Also, the line rainbow bubblegum is so adorable and so Chaeyoung.
I wanna wanna wanna take it to the Basics
da weonhae weonhae weonhae? seodureuji ma Baby
ppeonhae ppeonhae malhae mweohae da al tende
Ah yeah ah yeah ah yeah ah yeah
That chorus is pure pop with a Miami bass backing; you better be bopping your head to the melody, if not booty poppin' to the bassline. Chaeyoung loves rhyming in the first half of the chorus to enhance its catchiness and it's damn incredible: wanna, weonhae, and ppeonhae all create these imperfect rhymes that continue momentum without feeling repetitive.
After the very Boy With Luv-sounding ah yeah ah yeah, ah yeah ah yeah comes an 8-bar split half and half between Chaeyoung and Momo. Coming from the chorus, the production completely cuts out for the first 2 bars. This adds tension; the song yearns to have that bass beat thumping again and all we have in the audio space in those 2 bars is Chaeyoung spittin' and she delivered.
taneun deut tteugeoun samak wie
yeppeuge pieonan jangmi gata
joshimseure naege dagaol ttae
nado moreuge jjilleobeoril tende
Translating to:
Above the hot, burning desert
It’s like a rose that bloomed beautifully
When you come to me slowly
I will prick you unconsciously
The rap feels slick, effortless, and confident. Her diction remains sharp when enunciating each syllable but she doesn’t let the flow of her rap waver or build as her 4 bars go by, it’s just smooth consistency throughout. Even the lyrics possess an aura of laid-back collectedness that is just so her. The things Chaeyoung can do when given her pen.
THE GOOD
- That sweet summer vibe of a chorus
- The spaceship post-chorus is killer
- Chaeyoung devoured this song
- Sure-footed, confident lyrics
- Perhaps an alteration of that ah yeah ah yeah line
- The way Jihyo did her pre-chorus line is good, but Mina’s is great
- After donating my hair, walking down the rainbow-coloured areas of downtown Toronto with this song playing was very… fitting
This song is summer bliss distilled into 2:56. It’s dreamy, the raps are satisfying, and the ending is charming. I will say that although the second half of the song adds the stunning spaceship post-choruses and a floaty bridge with an incredible drumbeat drop into the final chorus, the raps of the song make it feel a bit front-loaded. And in an album stacked with awesome finishers, it feels more apparent.
With that said, it’s an 8/10 bop for me. This song is so easy to put on and it feels exactly what Chaeyoung would make if given the reins to produce a pop song all on her own. The lyrics are nonchalant but full of conviction, the wordplay is intricate, and the production playful but not too bombastic — it's just a nice vibe. Songs like Basics are the standard for good, simple, repeatable pop music and I’m happy that Chaeyoung got to test her pen in this genre.
BABY WE’RE IN
TROUBLE TROUBLE
Trouble 💃
Lyrics, vocal direction, and background vocals by JihyoProduced by Jihyo and earattack
One of the most enjoyable songs I’ve heard in a while.
There is an underlying tension within the first 4 bars of the song, Jihyo and Nayeon confidently open it to a nondescript array of synths and then the stanza ends, Momo announces Let’s go, the beat drops and it hits you: this is a club song.
Dahyun's relaxed delivery contrasting with Jeongyeon's staccato flow, the wobbly synth beat mixed with a sprinkle of house piano, Sana dramatically slowing down the song only for Tzuyu to build it back up until the chorus drops,
- Nayeon opens it using a breathy tone, with vocal chops serving as harmonies
- The blooming of the house piano takes centre stage and the song ascends into euphoria
- A random drum roll capped off by a cymbal crash
- Jeongyeon’s growling pronunciation of the word Trouble
- Chaeyoung slyly admitting I like this Trouble
- The entirety of Tzuyu’s tro~oh~oh~ouble yeah~
- Sana using her deep voice for the na~na~na~na
- Jihyo leading the vocals during the synchronized T W I C E chant
This chorus is perfect. Toronto’s residential market needs this song injected into its veins because god damn this song has SO much house in it. And then, ANOTHER KILLING PART: this rap fucking slaps.
gamchweo bwatja geugeon Fake
ppajin hamjeongeun Sweet cake
During the first 2 bars, Chaeyoung is keeping it calm because that trip of a chorus just ended and the song needs a breather, but I don't think anyone expected her to SNAP this hard afterwards:
You cannot resist this
Cannot miss this, such a bliss
Ima put it down down
Oh yeah, better kiss kiss
Below is the structure of her this portion of the rap, I’m not that well versed in this technical aspect of music theory but I digress, this is all in the span of around 5 seconds where it’s:
Triplet-triplet
Quadruplet-triplet
Quadruplet-doublet
Doublet-quadruplet
Now, 25/5 = 5 syllables per second isn’t groundbreaking, but goddamn it these 2 bars sound so nice — if there is one part in this album that I always repeat, it’s this. The addition of that first quadruplet for cannot miss this in the midst of the triplets sticks out and accelerates the flow of the rap while the following doublets and quadruplets destabilize and slow the rap down as the verse closes. And can I just point out:
THE MAIN VOCALIST WROTE, DIRECTED, AND COMPOSED THIS SONG ‼
Chaeyoung of course delivered the fuck out of her verse but THIS is what you get when you have a member not only write the words they’re saying but also the melody and flow with which they sing it, when that member knows the others so well that when they write a song they know how to make the group exceed. This is what you get when the artists you stan love doing artist shit.
And. AND. That's not all — with how much I mentioned I love a good outro to close a song, this outro slaps as well:
Woo wee woo wee woo
I like this Trouble be-be
Woo wee woo wee woo
I like this Trouble bay-be
Woo wee woo wee woo
I like this Trouble bay-beh
Woo wee woo wee woo
I like this Trou-ble
Like, come on, Nayeon’s imitating a police siren for crying out loud. And this is all after her ad-libs in the final post-chorus; after the pianist going full tilt and playing that piano as if it was their last chance to ever play; after that final T W I C E chant by all the members come these blissful 20 seconds at the very end. What a song.
THE GOOD
- The theme of relishing in an uncontrolled love
- Sana and Mina’s melody in the pre-chorus
- Whole neighbourhoods full of house
- You cannot resist this, cannot miss this, such a bliss
- Wees and woos
- Mina’s line of falling down, falling down, falling down low in verse 2 feels a bit too abrupt of a change
- While writing Trouble's review I had this song on repeat for my whole subway commute and I must've been so distracting, just head-bopping and being so invested in my enjoyment
Need I say more, easy 9/10. The only reason I place Talk that Talk above Trouble is because of what that song represents but besides that, this is one of the best “international” sounds they’ve put out. Actually, I haven’t listened to Eyes wide open in a while but this song is up there with one of the most sonically pleasing pieces of work they’ve done.
Clubbing TWICE has always been a thing since TT was birthed in 2016, and has been a staple of their discography since 2019’s Fancy You and Feel Special mini albums, but Trouble unapologetically dives into and fits the house genre so well you’d think that this is TWICE’s bread and butter sound.
Trouble is Jihyo’s magnum opus. What a song.
BRAVE BRAVE BRAVE
FOR YOU
Brave 💖
Produced by Slow Rabbit
I first thought this was just a good song, then I read the lyrics.
Gentle guitar plucks, shimmering synths, a distant keyboard in the right ear, in the left a glockenspiel, the melodic oohs from the members — this song is PRETTY.
The night that was unusually dark
Above this terrifying world, felt so lonely
The world has grown in the time of wandering
So hard to breathe
Mina and Chaeyoung open the song with how they feel lonely, that it's hard to breathe and now suddenly the song feels bittersweet — I was not expecting the song to become this emotional. Brave describes a situation where the singer is in a darker place in life and it isn't until another person gives them hope by calling them Brave that they find the drive to keep going.
Once the chorus hits, the melodies pick up, more guitars get added — there’s even an electric guitar hidden in the mix somewhere, and the song drops the emotional front to reveal a mid-tempo pop song to dance to while crying in the club. The song as a whole still carries this melancholy feeling, but now with the added support of the chorus, acting as a light amongst the gloom.
Continuing on in the second verse there's this gorgeous, well-placed break in the song that just lets it settle after that chorus. Only a seasoned producer would risk this much empty space in a song and Slow Rabbit went to fill those shoes.
Back to the chorus, I'll take this moment to once again commend Slow Rabbit with the mixing of the song, because 4MIX undoubtedly sounds good in the chorus, and the interludes from Dahyun, Chaeyoung, and Mina also sound really good, but the clear highlight of the choruses are these lines:
Oh na na na neon nal naige hae
On and on and on
Brave Brave Brave for ya
Oh na na na neon nal sum shwige hae
On and on and on oh trust me babe
Momo, Sana, and Tzuyu form this beautiful, surprisingly catchy, second half of the chorus accompanied by a guitar drop. It should not turn out this well with how conflicting the "na"s are with the guitar melody but it creates this gentle bopping ebb and flow that feels so lush and mellow.
Diving into the bridge reveals that the listener of the song is revealed not only capable of supporting the singer through direct words but also through their thoughts and dreams. As can be discerned, this can be a song interpreted to be about ONCEs, about how they push TWICE to be their best selves despite the breathless hardships they face. It's a very sweet and touching song.
THE GOOD
- Special lyrics
- Pleasant sound to vibe out to
- That gentle break after the first chorus
- 3MIX poppin' off at the end
- Just very pretty vocals throughout
- Potentially hard to comprehend without translating the Korean lyrics
- Form of Therapy’s life motto revolves around the word “brave” — I don’t know where I got that from, but I remembered it right before watching his album reaction (yes, this is very random)
I’m actually spoiled with the TWICE members’ easy-to-understand songwriting that when a song like this pops up where it's not written by a member and the thematic bits are mostly in Korean, I tend to put it aside in favour of the other songs on the album. And, especially for a song focusing on a theme like this where the English phrases don’t do the Korean lyrics enough justice, it does place a bit of a barrier on the listening experience, dropping it down to a 7/10 from an 8/10.
With that anecdote out of the way, this song is just such a vibe, man. I know that sounds super hippy to say but Brave is so mellow and smooth that I can’t help but sway a little when that chorus hits. And then I remember what the lyrics say and I tear up a bit on the inside. This song is so pure, raw, and full of heart — we need more songs like these where they just reminisce about life while putting up an upbeat front. Don't mind me just crying while dancing the night away.
With that said, this isn't the first time this theme has been sung by TWICE either, they've long trodden this path of supportive, confiding, up-lifting songs with Young & Wild, Rainbow, Queen, Go Hard, Depend on You, even this album's Queen of Hearts, and, of course, Feel Special. Brave just adds another on top of an already stacked lineup, unique with its mellow somberness.
Also now feels like a good time to get into my rating system:
- 7/10s are songs are ones that are simply good throughout or great songs with apparent flaws
- 8/10s are great songs with distinct killing parts
- 9/10s are borderline perfect songs where I sometimes can't comprehend how great they are
- And 10/10s are the best of an artist's discography, songs that encapsulate their ethos perfectly or expand upon them in a meaningful way
I SEE THE LIES
ON THE TIP OF YOUR TONGUE
Gone 💨
Lyrics by Dahyun
Who the fuck pissed off Dubu this time??
It’s getting quite rare to see TWICE pull off brand new sounds because, with now 190 original songs under their belt as of this review, they’ve done so many genres and sub-genres varying from hyper pop, to bossa nova, to whatever 2020’s Go Hard is. So it’s surprising to see they’ve still got tricks up their sleeves and Gone is one of them.
The song starts with strings swinging back and forth and vocal chops dancing from ear to ear, teasing what’s yet to come. Jihyo enters the song with a whisper and the song sets its pace. A stagnant drum pad moves the song along and typical song progression would have Mina continue the build, but — it doesn’t. The song simmers, adding a hint of high hat to the pot. And then Sana and Tzuyu come on and surely the buildup must boil over right?
Silence, until…
I see the LIES on the top of your tongue
The strings emerge again on full blast, the simmer rolls to a boil, and the anger of the song is revealed,
All the fate I had towards you
Fades like a fog, Gone, Gone
Your flipping mind of doing this and that
I’m tired of it, it’s meaningless
In the beginning, it was hard to believe
With that, hatred increases
The singer is so scorned and burned from this relationship that they reminisce about all the effort they’ve put in since the beginning, but their “partner” is so unconcerned that they’ve just about had enough of the relationship altogether.
This has been Dahyun’s thing since 2020’s Bring It Back, 2021’s Cruel, 2022’s That’s all I’m saying, and even 2023's Don't Blame It On Me — emotionally charged breakup songs that make you feel as if she’s survived through a dozen bad relationships. Dispatch, do try to do your job better.
Another highlight of the song is the post-chorus going into the bridge. This segment reiterates the structure from the first post-chorus — a barrage of drums supported by the rhythmic strumming of a bass guitar along with a consistent synth filling out the soundscape. But this time, it’s Dahyun and Chaeyoung on the rap:
I can’t stand it anymore
My patience, invisible
I can’t find it, it’s all Gone
Even if I try to turn back, it’s too late
There’s no use anymore
It has left, it’s long Gone
You, with flipping mind, you are out
I know that you know what I’m talking about
Nothing you could say that could turn this around
I’m Gone
Building upon the disrespected theme of the song, Dahyun notes that she’s finally had enough with Chaeyoung adding that there’s no point salvaging what love was once there. Momo and Dahyun round it off by telling the listener that there’s no point trying to reason with them or playing naive, they fucked up and there’s no coming back.
Can I just say, it's a bit of a shame that Chaeyoung’s rapping popped off in this album while Dahyun only has this one verse that she shares with Chaeyoung, but it just sounds so good how Dahyun eases in after the chorus with her light rapping tone transitioning into her singing. She even holds the Gone in a little crescendo for some added pizzazz.
And, there’s no way I’m not going to talk about Momo’s vocals in this bridge. Damned if she only got 1 line to use it in, her lower register is incredible. She sounds so smooth singing in this tone. All of TWICE do in particular and there is nary a weak vocal performance in this album.
To close the song off, a wash of synths gets to have their shine in the spotlight, showered with Nayeon’s belting, signifying the dramatic and drawn-out conclusion of this partnership.
THE GOOD
- They’ve still got their surprises
- Thundering chorus
- 2nd rap and bridge combo
- A bitter, crumbling relationship theme
- I’m not a huge fan of the mixing during the first post-chorus, where Momo's vocals were fighting with the production, which is disappointing because Momo is capable of an insane flow
- The post-chorus in general, specifically the first one, can be a bit tiring on repeat listens
- Actually, I think this song sounds like a mix between GOT7's Not By The Moon, BLACKPINK’s Love To Hate Me, and Dahyun’s Bring It Back. I don’t know where I got this thought came from, but it stuck
Going back to that point about the first post-chorus as a whole; songs that have the production continue unchanged into the post-chorus/2nd verse are very hit or miss for me — see TWICE's Don't Call Me Again for an overbearing example. The post-chorus going into the bridge contrasts Dahyun’s light tone nicely with the hard-hitting production, continuing the energy until it slowly fades into silence at the end of the bridge.
Back to the song as a whole, as much as TWICE has been experimenting with their sound for the past 4 years now, I’m happy they’re still finding new ways to explore what they’re capable of. And for that alone, even though I’m not a big fan of songs like these where they rely on sounding “big”, Dahyun’s lyricism and the thrill I receive every time I indulge myself in this song elevates it to an 8/10. Keep on breaking hearts, Dubu.
INVINCIBLE
SUPERHEROES
When We Were Kids 🧸
Lyrics by Dahyun
Press play to reminisce, pull up lyrics to cry.
This song is so beautiful. I’m totally not writing this song review, crying on the bus reminiscing about my childhood, while just having turned 21. I don’t know if these are happy or sad tears but this song is so beautiful either way.
Warm synths, muted piano, a gentle high hat, the younger members starting off the song — this has to be up there for one of the softest TWICE songs ever. And as it should, it’s one of the TWICEiest songs ever. And then Nayeon comes in:
Invincible superheroes, we wanted to be adults
To the higher, clearer world
The chords start swelling, the high hat keeps pace, and the harmonies pour in.
Remember When We Were Kids
When We Were Kids, we didn’t know
If we could go back
I will love it even more
Remember When We Were Kids
Jihyo takes up the second half of the chorus as it drops, trading the strings for an almost R&B synth production — if choir R&B takes off, this song started it. The song relishes in this cacophony of warm sounds until returning to its sparse and peaceful verses.
This time, the hints of piano are louder, little twinkling synths begin to shimmer, the drum buildup comes and Jeongyeon drives the song straight into the chorus. No time for the strings to build like in Nayeon’s — this song loves its chorus so much.
And I'll just take this time to appreciate the amount and range of Jeongyeon vocals in this album. Her voice is so textured, stable, and projected — but also more tender and soft compared to the more pronounced tones of Nayeon and Jihyo.
The bridge comes in, repeating the phrase:
I wish that I could meet
Could meet the younger me
Giving the song time to rest, before building back up to the last chorus — this time led by Jihyo, completing the 3MIX trifecta. And interestingly enough, Chaeyoung follows up in the second half of the chorus, rather than another member of the vocal line. She really did pop off in this album.
As the last chorus begins to close, the percussion at its strongest, the harmonies on blast, the background vocals cranked up to their Sunday best, is the song going to end? Of course not! This is an album full of banger endings as if the songs don’t want to end, and When We Were Kids being the album closer very much indulges in that feeling.
After a brief refrain, accented by Nayeon’s high note with a touch of vibrato, the song almost dives back into a fourth chorus. Nayeon and Jeongyeon harmonize — a rare and heavenly moment. And the song repeats the bridge, reiterating that they want to meet their younger selves, this time with the lush chorus production before closing with silence, a few piano notes, and Tzuyu singing the last line of the song:
Oh, we were kids
Reflection, acceptance, hope. What a song.
THE GOOD
- Heavenly vocals throughout
- Relatable, heartfelt lyrics
- Euphoric chorus
- Great closer to the album
- Refrain after the last chorus, Back When We Were Kids, could’ve been executed better
- For an album titled Between 1&2, I don’t think anything hits harder than finishing the song reviews, with this song in particular, during your 21st birthday
I wrote the first part of this review in November 2022. Then university, life, and other things got in the way of my headspace for me to feel confident about wrapping all of this up. In a way, I felt like I just didn’t want this review to end because of the joy that writing gives me — I didn’t want the happiness to end. And then it hit me, after watching a YouTuber rank animated movies and them placing Spirited Away at the top and explaining 'why' reminded me of just how important growing up is, and by extension this song.
This theme is important for both the rookie TWICE members in 2015 and the teenagers who would follow their journey and grow up with them, facing life’s obstacles along the way. Hardships that used to only involve family, crushes, and social media, evolve into work, commitments and all the struggles that adult life brings. Being a kid and enjoying the simple things in life is one of the most sought-after moments we want to relive because we took growing up for granted. The only thing we can do now is look back on ourselves with fondness and rose-tinted lenses.
TWICE’s original meaning was to resonate with people through their senses and their hearts. That was during their debut, and I think it still holds up today. In my opinion, touching people through their emotions is what TWICE does best and makes them one of K-pop’s all-time greats. It was never about having the best numbers — it was about being the best idols. And to think that this journey of maturation and growth would occur from 2015 all the way to this song, being a fitting nod to TWICE’s 7th anniversary, I don’t think anyone at the company nor the group would ever imagine that they would get this far. It’s these nine women or none — 9/10.
This song honestly deserves a 10/10 with how much I noticed other people reminiscing their childhoods after I heard this song, it is such a widely-relatable message, but I am determined to limit myself to one 10/10 song per album and if I were to pick between TTT and WWWK, I'd give it to the one's that's more repeatable — Talk that Talk just has this electric energy about it.
Epilogue
And finally here is the end. If you made it in one sitting then I commend you, because I could not write this mess in one sitting. As alluded to, I started writing this album review sometime in October, after a series of edits the first draft was finished in March, and now here's the final draft in June.I love this album. It got me through some important parts of my life, both good and bad, and it's just a wonderful listen throughout. Reliving this album again before finally completing the review has been an exciting journey. Brave hit me harder this time, after being overshadowed by the other gems of this album, and WWWK finally got me to tear up and not just be emotionally satisfied.
I feel like there's something for everyone on this album. From the exhilarating thrills of TTT to the anthemic euphoria of QoH, the clubbing dichotomy of Trouble and Brave to the blissful glee of Basics, and the sweet reminiscence of WWWK to the thundering anger that is Gone. Like Eyes wide open, I liken Between 1&2 to a pop music taste platter — there's such an eclectic mix of pop music in this album that there's bound to be a song that someone will love, like, and dislike.
Is this album perfect? I don't think so, but it's close — it was certainly my 2022 AOTY. Was this review biased? Absolutely. I've been a fan since 2019 and with the themes in this album, I also feel like it was biased towards me as a ONCE. And how would I rank the album in TWICE's catalogue? It's honestly at the top, at least with EPs — I also felt that way towards Feel Special but then this album was birthed so I'm excited for TWICE's future.
Ready To Be was also a stunning album and Eyes wide open frankly also deserved the spotlight that Formula of Love received so I might hit those next but no promises; this album took long enough to bake.
As for the performances, I've only seen Twitter clips (no fancams to not spoil myself) and I am SO EXCITED to finally see them in July. QoH was as glorious as expected, Brave was a delightful surprise, and WWWK, while not being the concert closer everyone expected it to be, paired up nicely with Crazy Stupid Love. And of course the bombastic addition of the dance break to TTT. But, this is not a concert review, and here is where this album review ends.
Feel free to comment with any thoughts regarding the album, other TWICE albums, and any suggestions for my writing in general. Congrats again on making it this far!
God, I love this album.
2023.06.03 22:56 smolcrackheadenergy Between 1&2 💞 Album Review
And yes, this is 9 months late 😭 I'm not sorry — when I find an album review online it's always around a paragraph per song or even shorter. It makes sense from a journalistic perspective, but I want to do this album justice, hence taking 7 months to write out all my thoughts.
This shit is comprehensive and definitely overanalyzed, especially in Talk that Talk and Trouble. Each song review will compose of my commentary going over the song, noting the details I noticed through months of listening, then a conclusion. Also, mild swearing warning, I like implementing a touch of "French" when I'm very emotional about something. Anyway, onto the review!
TELL ME WHAT YOU WANT
TELL ME WHAT YOU NEED
One of the most perfect TWICE songs.
I think this is one of TWICE’s best-sounding title tracks. Warm modulated synths, a thrumming bass line, distant bells, shimmering synths — the purpose of this song is to be fun and my god is it excellent at it, like… Sana and Chaeyoung are saying knock-knock-knock and beep-beep-beep as if they’re some kind of car. So much fun.
Further along in the verse, Dahyun’s voice sounds so full and smooth with that layered harmony. Tzuyu coming with the Yes or Yes, Push & Pull, and 1 to 10 references — these are 5 years of song references. And Jeongyeon closes the pre-chorus accompanied by a rising synth to drop into chorus one. Jeongyeon slays pre-choruses.
The drums accelerate, the synths start blasting, and Jihyo opens to that party of a chorus with her godly vocals,
During Sana's Talk that Talk~ lines there’s this gentle ascending synth bell that rings with the descending melody and it sounds absolutely gorgeous. And the choreography during that part of the chorus is so so so so fun: the talking hands bit, spelling L-O-V-E, concluding with the deullyeojweo ooh! Oh my Jihyo the deullyeojweo ooh…
Have I mentioned this song is fun?
Speeding through verse 2; Chaeyoung’s part with the cat ears popping in the music video is adorable; Momo her stretching her arms out looks so damn cool; and Dahyun with her replay part sounds so lovely — although I think it sonically sounds a touch random, it makes sense thematically.
And now for this pre-chorus. Mina and Jihyo leading into it sound great BUT JEONGYEON… Now, she is my ult bias, and this pre-chorus sounds almost identical to the first one, but the way she holds that final note, enunciating and holding that now~ for one more beat before the chorus drops sounds so perfect — the song teeters on a cliff edge. Jeongyeon slays pre-choruses.
Dropping into the second chorus and man, Jihyo powered through that first chorus, but the way Nayeon delivers it just hits different. She has this indescribable “pop” voice (I promise this wasn't on purpose) that stands out and shouts this is THE chorus. I think this is especially apparent in how both lead their choruses where Jihyo starts at 120% power while Nayeon waits until [Tell me] WHAT YOU WANT to full-send it. She also highlights “malhaebwa” in a similar way later in the chorus.
Another deullyeojweo ooh! Nayeon travels to Narnia, and Mina the engineer strikes again in this heavenly, underwater-esque bridge,
The word “love” is said for the first time in the song. There’s a funky keyboard instrument behind Chaeyoung’s part. Jihyo, Chaeyoung, and Nayeon take the initiative in their lyrics, professing their love before closing the bridge.
And now for the pièce-de-résistance: this final double chorus is exceptional — 40 seconds of crack-laced euphoria; Jihyo switches up the chorus and the choreo, Dahyun chimes in with her fluttery “Talk that Talk”, Momo comes out of nowhere with “oh yeah it sounds so good!” — you’re damn right it does, and this is where the song SOARS.
Nayeon outright shouts “Tell me what you need” and then Jeongyeon sings the above lines in such an ethereal, warm way where the first line ascends while the second line descends, causing a lull in the song before the finale with Nayeon, finishing off the song with the final deullyeojweo ooh! What a party. What a song.
THE GOOD
Lyrics and theme-wise, if this were to have been TWICE’s last comeback, they’ve once again built upon the theme they've been doing since debut: a Bildungsroman, a coming-of-age story.
This song’s chorus is honest yet simple; it asks the listener, in this case, the other half of the relationship, to be more upfront and open with their love (never be scared of love), that before the relationship can continue and flourish there has to be a foundation and commitment of love between each other.
TWICE debuted with a song about making your crush go ooh ahh. Years later, they started pondering “What is love?” and imagining their crush responding with “yes” when asking them out — and now concluding with the phrase “Talk that talk, [talk that] L-O-V-E”, being upfront with the relationship, wishing their partner to also be happy, to commit to them, to feel the love that they want to impart on them. From gawking like ooh-ahh to talking out your shared love like adults — to having a true relationship between (one and) two.
And can I just say before finishing off Talk that Talk's review that this is such a fun and repeatable song with many little intricacies hidden in the nonet’s vocals and the production. This is the third draft I’m writing about Talk that Talk and its original word count pretty much quadrupled.
Harkening back to TWICE’s roots by combining mature thinking with youthful character, an incredible ending to look forward to, and just simply being a club-banger that’s easy to listen to, TTT is an easy 10/10.
WATCH ME GO WATCH ME GO
RULE THE WORLD
If there was one B-side to promote in a live clip, this was a solid choice.
Helmed by LDN Noise going headlong into the Western boy-group rock-band aesthetic, Queen of Hearts is a boom-boom-clap song through and through. The drums are very prominent throughout the song, only giving room to riffs of electric guitar in the chorus to drive and continue the momentum of the music.
And speaking of the chorus, vocal line each got a chorus to flex and they did not fuck around,
Cymbals crashing, drums booming, and 3MIX belting all just so sound so good.
These long, held-out notes performed by Jihyo and Nayeon are simply exquisite. Along with the shredding guitar, the drum set coming in full, and the interludes by Dahyun, Momo, and Chaeyoung, this is the part of the song that always, always, gives me goosebumps — it sounds so visceral, so energetic, so fun, so triumphant. Boom-boom-clap songs can be hit or miss with people, but there's no denying the payoff from the first part of the chorus to the second part is worth the wait.
The theme of the song so far has been kind of spread around the song. The chorus alludes to it with the line "And it’s all because of you." But Mina shows more sides of it in the second verse, especially with the phrase,
It sounds really lovely — in a very cheesy and affectionate kind of way, as it rightfully should — the song is about the girls and their fans. But the bridge is where the song indeed shows its colours
This is a song CONCEIVED TO BE PERFORMED FOR THE FANS. It’s meant to be loud. It’s meant to be unapologetic. It’s meant to be sappy. And it’s all the more wonderful for it.
This is the TWICEiest shit ever.
Like Talk that Talk, Queen of Hearts also has a killer closer. The production already started to grow from the bridge, but now the guitarist finally went Super Saiyan and instead of supporting the drums, they both take the centrepiece in tandem.
Then finally, the closing moments of the song even manage to squeeze in some more sappiness.
I still can’t believe that this banger is a FAN SONG out of all things. Truly, the TWICEiest shit ever.
THE GOOD
I love these types of rock songs with how grunge and head-bang-able they are, there is just a certain nostalgic and cheesy quality to them that feels so cozy. I don’t love putting them on repeat, because in this case, I do believe there is such a thing as too much of a good thing. Perhaps more shredding, maybe a guitar solo to rock out to, or an accompaniment(!) of ad-libs from 3MIX to support Jihyo’s final chorus? A ONCE can dream of a truly bombastic rock song from TWICE. But then again that distracts from the core of what this song is: a fan song disguised as a rock song.
Queen of Hearts has so much sweetness in its lyrics and message that it's overflowing. The drums, guitar, and vocals can be as loud and intricate as they can, but the theme of this song is what makes it special from TWICE’s other rock songs — it’s a 9/10 for me.
I WANNA WANNA WANNA
TAKE YOU TO THE BASICS
Quite possibly the jammiest (pun intended) song of the album.
A song written by the Strawberry Princess herself — an event similar in frequency to other artists' releases with her last song being 2020’s silky Handle It — Basics first starts with an understated and dreamy delivery. After the first stanza, however, a bouncy Miami bass line emerges, revealing the true nature of the song: this is a classic summer bop! Especially in the first rap,
Syllables are pronounced in a relaxed nature, bars often starting with an "ah" sound, flirty lines in English — this rap features a production full of pop with R&B flourishes and, in my opinion, this is Chaeyoung’s bag. Also, the line "rainbow bubblegum" is so adorable and so Chaeyoung.
That chorus is pure pop with a Miami bass backing; you better be bopping your head to the melody, if not booty poppin' to the bassline. Chaeyoung loves rhyming in the first half of the chorus to enhance its catchiness and it's damn incredible: the “wanna”, “weonhae”, and “ppeonhae” all create these imperfect rhymes that continue momentum without feeling repetitive.
After the very Boy With Luv-sounding “ah yeah ah yeah, ah yeah ah yeah” comes an 8-bar split half and half between Chaeyoung and Momo. Coming from the chorus, the production completely cuts out for the first 2 bars. This adds tension; the song yearns to have that bass beat thumping again and all we have in the audio space in those 2 bars is Chaeyoung spittin' and she delivered.
Translating to:
The rap feels slick, effortless, and confident. Her diction remains sharp when enunciating each syllable but she doesn’t let the flow of her rap waver or build as her 4 bars go by, it’s just smooth consistency throughout. Even the lyrics possess an aura of laid-back collectedness that is just so her. The things Chaeyoung can do when given her pen.
THE GOOD
This song is summer bliss distilled into 2:56. It’s dreamy, the raps are satisfying, and the ending is charming. I will say that although the second half of the song adds the stunning “spaceship” post-choruses and a floaty bridge with an incredible drumbeat drop into the final chorus, the raps of the song make it feel a bit front-loaded. And in an album stacked with awesome finishers, it feels more apparent.
With that said, it’s an 8/10 bop for me. This song is so easy to put on and it feels exactly what Chaeyoung would make if given the reins to produce a pop song all on her own. The lyrics are nonchalant but full of conviction, the wordplay is intricate, and the production playful but not too bombastic — it's just a nice vibe. Songs like Basics are the standard for good, simple, repeatable pop music and I’m happy that Chaeyoung got to test her pen in this genre.
BABY WE’RE IN
TROUBLE TROUBLE
Background vocals: Jihyo
Lead composer credit: Jihyo
Vocal director credit: Jihyo (an assumption given her contributions in First Time)
One of the most enjoyable songs I’ve heard in a while.
There is an underlying tension within the first 4 bars of the song, Jihyo and Nayeon confidently open it to a nondescript array of synths and then the stanza ends, Momo announces “Let’s go”, the beat drops and it hits you: this is a club song.
Dahyun's relaxed delivery contrasted with Jeongyeon's staccato flow, the wobbly synth beat with sprinkle of house piano, Sana dramatically slowing down the song only for Tzuyu to build it back up until the chorus drops,
This chorus is perfect. Toronto’s residential market needs this song injected into its veins because god damn this song has SO much house in it. And then, ANOTHER KILLING PART: this rap fucking slaps.
During the first 2 bars, Chaeyoung is keeping it calm because that trip of a chorus just ended and the song needs a breather, but I don't think anyone expected her to SNAP this hard afterwards:
Below is the structure of her this portion of the rap, I’m not that well versed in this technical aspect of music theory but I digress, this is all in the span of around 5 seconds where it’s:
Now, 25/5 = 5 syllables per second isn’t groundbreaking, but goddamn it these 2 bars sound so nice — if there is one part in this album that I always repeat, it’s this. The addition of that first quadruplet for “cannot miss this” in the midst of the triplets sticks out and accelerates the flow of the rap while the following doublets and quadruplets destabilize and slow the rap down as the verse closes. And can I just point out:
THE MAIN VOCALIST WROTE, DIRECTED, AND COMPOSED THIS SONG ‼
Chaeyoung of course delivered the fuck out of her verse but THIS is what you get when you have a member not only write the words they’re saying but also the melody and flow with which they sing it, when that member knows the others so well that when they write a song they know how to make the group exceed. This is what you get when the artists you stan love doing artist shit.
And. AND. That's not all — with how much I mentioned I love a good outro to close a song, this outro slaps as well:
Like, come on, Nayeon’s imitating a police siren for crying out loud. And this is all after her ad-libs in the final post-chorus; after the pianist going full tilt and playing that piano as if it was their last chance to ever play; after that final T W I C E chant by all the members come these blissful 20 seconds at the very end. What a song.
THE GOOD
Need I say more, easy 9/10. The only reason I place Talk that Talk above Trouble is because of what that song represents but besides that, this is one of the best “international” sounds they’ve put out. Actually, I haven’t listened to Eyes wide open in a while but this song is up there with one of the most sonically pleasing pieces of work they’ve done.
Clubbing TWICE has always been a thing since TT was birthed in 2016, and has been a staple of their discography since 2019’s Fancy You and Feel Special mini albums, but Trouble unapologetically dives into and fits the house genre so well you’d think that this is TWICE’s bread and butter sound.
Trouble is Jihyo’s magnum opus. What a song.
BRAVE BRAVE BRAVE
FOR YOU
I first thought this was just a good song, then I read the lyrics.
Gentle guitar plucks, shimmering synths, a distant keyboard in the right ear, in the left a glockenspiel, the melodic oohs from the members — this song is PRETTY.
Mina and Chaeyoung open the song with how they feel lonely and that it's hard to breathe and now suddenly the song feels bittersweet — I was not expecting the song to be this emotional. Brave describes a situation where the singer is in a darker place in life and it isn't until another person gives them hope by calling them 'brave' that they find the drive to keep going.
Once the chorus hits, the melodies pick up, more guitars get added — there’s even an electric guitar hidden in the mix somewhere, and the song drops the emotional front to reveal a mid-tempo pop song to dance to while crying in the club. The song as a whole still carries this melancholy feeling, but now with the added support of this chorus acting as a light amongst the gloom.
Continuing on in the second verse there's this gorgeous, well-placed break in the song that just lets it settle after that chorus. Only a seasoned producer would risk this much empty space in a song and Slow Rabbit went to fill those shoes.
Back to the chorus, I'll take this moment to once again commend Slow Rabbit with the mixing of the song, because 4MIX undoubtedly sounds good in the chorus, and the interludes from Dahyun, Chaeyoung, and Mina also sound really good, but the clear highlight of the choruses are these lines:
Momo, Sana, and Tzuyu form this beautiful, surprisingly catchy, second half of the chorus accompanied by a guitar drop. It should not turn out this well with how conflicting the "na"s are with the guitar melody but it creates this gentle bopping ebb and flow that feels so lush and mellow.
Diving into the bridge reveals that the listener of the song is revealed not only capable of supporting the singer through direct words but also through their thoughts and dreams. As can be discerned, this can be a song interpreted to be about ONCEs, about how they push TWICE to be their best selves despite the breathless hardships they face. It's a very sweet and touching song.
THE GOOD
I’m actually spoiled with the TWICE members’ easy-to-understand songwriting that when a song like this pops up where it's not written by a member and the thematic bits are mostly in Korean, I tend to put it aside in favour of the other songs on the album. And, especially for a song focusing on a theme like this where the English phrases don’t do the Korean lyrics enough justice, it does place a bit of a barrier on the listening experience, dropping it down to a 7/10 from an 8/10.
With that anecdote out of the way, this song is just such a vibe, man. I know that sounds super hippy to say but Brave is so mellow and smooth that I can’t help but sway a little when that chorus hits. And then I remember what the lyrics say and I tear up a bit on the inside. This song is so pure, raw, and full of heart — we need more songs like these where they just reminisce about life while putting up an upbeat front. Don't mind me just crying while dancing the night away.
With that said, this isn't the first time this theme has been sung by TWICE either, they've long trodden this path of supportive, confiding, up-lifting songs with Young & Wild, Rainbow, Queen, Go Hard, Depend on You, even this album's Queen of Hearts, and, of course, Feel Special. Brave just adds another on top of an already stacked lineup, unique with its mellow somberness.
Also now feels like a good time to get into my rating system:
I SEE THE LIES
ON THE TIP OF YOUR TONGUE
Who the fuck pissed off Dubu this time??
It’s getting quite rare to see TWICE pull off brand new sounds because, with now 190 original songs under their belt, they’ve done so many genres and sub-genres varying from hyper pop, to bossa nova, to whatever 2020’s Go Hard is. So it’s surprising to see they’ve still got tricks up their sleeves and Gone is one of them.
The song starts with strings swinging back and forth and vocal chops dancing from ear to ear, teasing what’s yet to come. Jihyo enters the song with a whisper and the song sets its pace. A stagnant drum pad moves the song along and typical song progression would have Mina continue the build but — it doesn’t. The song simmers, adding a hint of high hat to the pot. And then, Sana and Tzuyu come on and surely the buildup must boil over right?
Silence, until…
The strings emerge again on full blast, the simmer rolls to a boil, and the anger of the song is revealed,
The singer is so scorned and burned from this relationship that they reminisce about all the effort they’ve put in since the beginning, but their “partner” is so unconcerned that they’ve just about had enough of the relationship altogether.
This has been Dahyun’s thing since 2020’s Bring It Back, 2021’s Cruel, 2022’s That’s all I’m saying, and even 2023's Don't Blame It On Me — emotionally charged breakup songs that make you feel as if she’s gone through a dozen bad relationships. Dispatch, do your job better, or don't.
Another highlight of the song is the post-chorus going into the bridge. This segment reiterates the structure from the first post-chorus — a barrage of drums supported by the rhythmic strumming of a bass guitar along with a consistent synth filling out the soundscape. But this time, it’s Dahyun and Chaeyoung on the rap:
Continuing the disrespected theme of the song, Dahyun notes that she’s finally had enough with Chaeyoung adding that there’s no point salvaging what was once there for all of it is long gone. Momo and Dahyun round it off by telling the listener that there’s no point trying to reason with them or playing naive, they fucked up and there’s no coming back.
Can I just say, it's a bit of a shame that Chaeyoung’s rapping popped off in this album while Dahyun only has this one verse that she shares with Chaeyoung, but it just sounds so good how Dahyun eases in after the chorus with her light rapping tone transitioning into her singing. She even holds the “gone” in a little crescendo for some added pizzazz.
And, there’s no way I’m not going to talk about Momo’s vocals in this bridge. Damned if she only got 1 line to use it in, her lower register is incredible. She sounds so smooth singing in this tone. All of TWICE do in particular and there is nary a weak vocal performance in this album.
To close the song off, a wash of synths gets to have their shine in the spotlight, showered with Nayeon’s belting, signifying the dramatic and drawn-out conclusion of this partnership.
THE GOOD
Going back to that point about the first post-chorus as a whole; songs that have the production continue unchanged into the post-chorus/2nd verse are very hit or miss for me — see TWICE's Don't Call Me Again for an overbearing example. The post-chorus going into the bridge contrasts Dahyun’s light tone nicely with the hard-hitting production, continuing the energy until it slowly fades into silence at the end of the bridge.
Back to the song as a whole, as much as TWICE has been experimenting with their sound for the past 4 years now, I’m happy they’re still finding new ways to explore what they’re capable of. And for that alone, even though I’m not a big fan of songs like these where they rely on sounding “big”, Dahyun’s lyricism and the thrill I receive every time I indulge myself in this song when I listen to it for the first time in a while elevates it to an 8/10. Keep on breaking hearts, Dubu.
INVINCIBLE
SUPERHEROES
Press play to reminisce, pull up lyrics to cry.
This song is so beautiful. I’m totally not writing this song review, crying on the bus reminiscing about my childhood, while just having turned 21. I don’t know if these are happy or sad tears but this song is so beautiful either way.
Warm synths, muted piano, a gentle high hat, the younger members starting off the song — this has to be up there for one of the softest TWICE songs ever. And as it should, it’s one of the TWICEiest songs ever. And then Nayeon comes in,
The chords start swelling, the high hat keeps pace, and the harmonies come in,
Jihyo takes up the second half of the chorus as it drops, trading the strings for an almost R&B synth production — if choir R&B takes off, this song started it. The song relishes in this cacophony of warm sounds until returning to its sparse and peaceful verses.
This time, the hints of piano are louder, little twinkling synths begin to shimmer, the drum buildup comes and Jeongyeon drives the song straight into the chorus. No time for the strings to build like in Nayeon’s — this song loves its chorus so much.
And I'll just take this time to appreciate the amount of Jeongyeon vocals in this album. Her voice is so clean, stable, and projected — but also more tender and soft compared to the more pronounced tones of Nayeon and Jihyo.
The bridge comes in, repeating the phrase:
Giving the song time to rest, before building back up to the last chorus — this time led by Jihyo, completing the 3MIX trifecta. And interestingly enough, Chaeyoung follows up in the second half of the chorus, rather than another member of the vocal line. She really did pop off in this album.
As the last chorus begins to close, the percussion at its strongest, the harmonies on blast, the background vocals cranked up to their Sunday best, is the song going to end? Of course not! This is an album full of banger endings as if the songs don’t want to end, and When We Were Kids being the album closer very much indulges in that feeling.
After a brief refrain, accented by Nayeon’s high note with a touch of vibrato, the song almost dives back into a fourth chorus. Nayeon and Jeongyeon harmonize — a rare and heavenly moment. And the song repeats the bridge, reiterating that they want to meet their younger selves, this time with the lush chorus production before closing with silence, a few piano notes, and Tzuyu singing the last line of the song:
Reflection, acceptance, hope. What a song.
THE GOOD
I wrote the first part of this review in November 2022. Then university, life, and other things got in the way of my headspace for me to feel confident about wrapping all of this up. In a way, I felt like I just didn’t want this review to end because of the joy that writing gives me — I didn’t want the happiness to end. And then it hit me, after watching a YouTuber rank animated movies and them placing Spirited Away at the top and explaining 'why' reminded me of just how important growing up is, and by extension this song.
This theme is important for both the rookie TWICE members in 2015 and the teenagers who would follow their journey and grow up with them, facing life’s obstacles along the way. Hardships that used to only involve family, crushes, and social media, evolve into work, commitments and all the struggles that adult life brings. Being a kid and enjoying the simple things in life is one of the most sought-after moments we want to relive because we took growing up for granted. The only thing we can do now is look back on ourselves with fondness and rose-tinted lenses.
TWICE’s original marketing was to resonate with people through their senses and their hearts. That was during their debut, and I think it still holds up today. In my opinion, touching people through their emotions is what TWICE does best and makes them one of K-pop’s all-time greats. It was never about having the best numbers — it was always about being the best idols. And to think that this journey of maturation and growth would occur from 2015 all the way to this song, being a fitting nod to TWICE’s 7th anniversary, I don’t think anyone at the company nor the group would ever imagine that they would get this far. It’s these nine women or none — 9/10.
This song honestly deserves a 10/10 with how much I noticed other people reminiscing their childhoods after I heard this song, it is such a widely-relatable message, but I am determined to limit myself to one 10/10 song per album and if I were to pick between TTT and WWWK, I'd give it to the one's that's more repeatable — Talk that Talk just has this electric energy about it.
I love this album. It got me through some important parts of my life, both good and bad, and it's just a wonderful listen throughout. Reliving this album again before finally completing the review has been an exciting journey. Brave hit me harder this time, after being overshadowed by the other gems of this album, and WWWK finally got me to tear up and not just be emotionally satisfied.
I feel like there's something for everyone on this album. From the exhilarating thrills of TTT to the anthemic euphoria of QoH, the clubbing dichotomy of Trouble and Brave to the blissful glee of Basics, and the sweet reminiscence of WWWK to the thundering anger that is Gone. Like Eyes wide open, I liken Between 1&2 to a pop music taste platter — there's such an eclectic mix of pop, music in this album that there's bound to be a song that someone will love, like, and dislike.
Is this album perfect? I don't think so, but it's close — it was certainly my 2022 AOTY. Was this review biased? Absolutely. I've been a fan since 2019 and with the themes in this album, I also feel like it was biased towards me as a ONCE. And how would I rank the album in TWICE's catalogue? It's honestly at the top, at least with EPs — I also felt that way towards Feel Special but then this album was birthed so I'm excited for TWICE's future.
Ready To Be was also a stunning album and Eyes wide open frankly also deserved the spotlight that Formula of Love received so I might hit those next but no promises; this album took long enough to bake.
As for the performances, I've only seen Twitter clips (no fancams to not spoil myself) and I am SO EXCITED to finally see them in July. QoH was as glorious as expected, Brave was a delightful surprise, and WWWK, while not being the concert closer everyone expected it to be, paired up nicely with Crazy Stupid Love. And of course the bombastic addition of the dance break to TTT. But, this is not a concert review, and this is where this album review ends.
Feel free to comment with any thoughts regarding the album, other TWICE albums, and any suggestions for my writing in general. Congrats again on making it this far!
God, I love this album.
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Intro
To preface this review, I just need to say that this is going to be a very, long read. Going through it myself just for the fun of it takes around 30 minutes — it's almost 7k words of text, including lyrical references. So for the best experience, listen to the album beforehand to understand what the hell I was thinking when I wrote this review, play the album while reading, and set a good amount of time aside.And yes, this is 9 months late 😭 I'm not sorry — when I find an album review online it's always around a paragraph per song or even shorter. It makes sense from a journalistic perspective, but I want to do this album justice, hence taking 7 months to write out all my thoughts.
This shit is comprehensive and definitely overanalyzed, especially in Talk that Talk and Trouble. Each song review will compose of my commentary going over the song, noting the details I noticed through months of listening, then a conclusion. Also, mild swearing warning, I like implementing a touch of "French" when I'm very emotional about something. Anyway, onto the review!
Between 1&2 💞
Album Review
TELL ME WHAT YOU WANT
TELL ME WHAT YOU NEED
Talk that Talk 🎙
Lead producer: collapsedone
One of the most perfect TWICE songs.
I think this is one of TWICE’s best-sounding title tracks. Warm modulated synths, a thrumming bass line, distant bells, shimmering synths — the purpose of this song is to be fun and my god is it excellent at it, like… Sana and Chaeyoung are saying knock-knock-knock and beep-beep-beep as if they’re some kind of car. So much fun.
Further along in the verse, Dahyun’s voice sounds so full and smooth with that layered harmony. Tzuyu coming with the Yes or Yes, Push & Pull, and 1 to 10 references — these are 5 years of song references. And Jeongyeon closes the pre-chorus accompanied by a rising synth to drop into chorus one. Jeongyeon slays pre-choruses.
The drums accelerate, the synths start blasting, and Jihyo opens to that party of a chorus with her godly vocals,
Tell me what you want
Tell me what you need
A to Z da malhaebwa
But shijageun ireoke have
Talk that talk ttak han madi
Talk that talk L-O-V-E
deullyeojweo ooh
Now now now now now yeah~
During Sana's Talk that Talk~ lines there’s this gentle ascending synth bell that rings with the descending melody and it sounds absolutely gorgeous. And the choreography during that part of the chorus is so so so so fun: the talking hands bit, spelling L-O-V-E, concluding with the deullyeojweo ooh! Oh my Jihyo the deullyeojweo ooh…
Have I mentioned this song is fun?
Speeding through verse 2; Chaeyoung’s part with the cat ears popping in the music video is adorable; Momo her stretching her arms out looks so damn cool; and Dahyun with her replay part sounds so lovely — although I think it sonically sounds a touch random, it makes sense thematically.
And now for this pre-chorus. Mina and Jihyo leading into it sound great BUT JEONGYEON… Now, she is my ult bias, and this pre-chorus sounds almost identical to the first one, but the way she holds that final note, enunciating and holding that now~ for one more beat before the chorus drops sounds so perfect — the song teeters on a cliff edge. Jeongyeon slays pre-choruses.
Dropping into the second chorus and man, Jihyo powered through that first chorus, but the way Nayeon delivers it just hits different. She has this indescribable “pop” voice (I promise this wasn't on purpose) that stands out and shouts this is THE chorus. I think this is especially apparent in how both lead their choruses where Jihyo starts at 120% power while Nayeon waits until [Tell me] WHAT YOU WANT to full-send it. She also highlights “malhaebwa” in a similar way later in the chorus.
Another deullyeojweo ooh! Nayeon travels to Narnia, and Mina the engineer strikes again in this heavenly, underwater-esque bridge,
The simple words “I love you”
That’s all I wanna hear
Without hesitation, I’ll go up to you
I’ll make it simple
And just tell you I love you
The word “love” is said for the first time in the song. There’s a funky keyboard instrument behind Chaeyoung’s part. Jihyo, Chaeyoung, and Nayeon take the initiative in their lyrics, professing their love before closing the bridge.
And now for the pièce-de-résistance: this final double chorus is exceptional — 40 seconds of crack-laced euphoria; Jihyo switches up the chorus and the choreo, Dahyun chimes in with her fluttery “Talk that Talk”, Momo comes out of nowhere with “oh yeah it sounds so good!” — you’re damn right it does, and this is where the song SOARS.
han beon deo~ haejweo
geurae banggeum geu mal~
Nayeon outright shouts “Tell me what you need” and then Jeongyeon sings the above lines in such an ethereal, warm way where the first line ascends while the second line descends, causing a lull in the song before the finale with Nayeon, finishing off the song with the final deullyeojweo ooh! What a party. What a song.
THE GOOD
- The synths of all time
- The chimes during Talk-that-talk~
- Jeongyeon’s pre-chorus going into Nayeon’s chorus
- The entirety of that magical, final chorus and outro
- The opening hook (Tell me what you want) and accompanying choreography could be “catchier”
- Singing (and dancing) my heart out when this song played at a K-pop club
Lyrics and theme-wise, if this were to have been TWICE’s last comeback, they’ve once again built upon the theme they've been doing since debut: a Bildungsroman, a coming-of-age story.
This song’s chorus is honest yet simple; it asks the listener, in this case, the other half of the relationship, to be more upfront and open with their love (never be scared of love), that before the relationship can continue and flourish there has to be a foundation and commitment of love between each other.
TWICE debuted with a song about making your crush go ooh ahh. Years later, they started pondering “What is love?” and imagining their crush responding with “yes” when asking them out — and now concluding with the phrase “Talk that talk, [talk that] L-O-V-E”, being upfront with the relationship, wishing their partner to also be happy, to commit to them, to feel the love that they want to impart on them. From gawking like ooh-ahh to talking out your shared love like adults — to having a true relationship between (one and) two.
And can I just say before finishing off Talk that Talk's review that this is such a fun and repeatable song with many little intricacies hidden in the nonet’s vocals and the production. This is the third draft I’m writing about Talk that Talk and its original word count pretty much quadrupled.
Harkening back to TWICE’s roots by combining mature thinking with youthful character, an incredible ending to look forward to, and just simply being a club-banger that’s easy to listen to, TTT is an easy 10/10.
WATCH ME GO WATCH ME GO
RULE THE WORLD
Queen of Hearts 👑
Lead producer: LDN Noise of SM
If there was one B-side to promote in a live clip, this was a solid choice.
Helmed by LDN Noise going headlong into the Western boy-group rock-band aesthetic, Queen of Hearts is a boom-boom-clap song through and through. The drums are very prominent throughout the song, only giving room to riffs of electric guitar in the chorus to drive and continue the momentum of the music.
And speaking of the chorus, vocal line each got a chorus to flex and they did not fuck around,
You ain’t ready for it
Watch me go~ watch me go~
Rule the world
Know you never doubted baby
I’mma go run the whole universe~
Cymbals crashing, drums booming, and 3MIX belting all just so sound so good.
Baby I was born to rule~~
Yeah I’m the queen, I’m the queen
And it’s all because of you~~
That I’m the Queen of Hearts
These long, held-out notes performed by Jihyo and Nayeon are simply exquisite. Along with the shredding guitar, the drum set coming in full, and the interludes by Dahyun, Momo, and Chaeyoung, this is the part of the song that always, always, gives me goosebumps — it sounds so visceral, so energetic, so fun, so triumphant. Boom-boom-clap songs can be hit or miss with people, but there's no denying the payoff from the first part of the chorus to the second part is worth the wait.
The theme of the song so far has been kind of spread around the song. The chorus alludes to it with the line "And it’s all because of you." But Mina shows more sides of it in the second verse, especially with the phrase,
And now that I’m surrounded by all my girls
We be shining bright like diamonds and pearls
It sounds really lovely — in a very cheesy and affectionate kind of way, as it rightfully should — the song is about the girls and their fans. But the bridge is where the song indeed shows its colours
Screaming out my name
See it in the stage lights
Feel so lucky just to have ya
Cause I know deep down I was meant for something bigger! Greater!
I know you’re seeing what I see
Yeah I’ll be everything you need
I know I’m gonna walk the walk
And talk the talk to be~ [the Queen of Hearts]
This is a song CONCEIVED TO BE PERFORMED FOR THE FANS. It’s meant to be loud. It’s meant to be unapologetic. It’s meant to be sappy. And it’s all the more wonderful for it.
This is the TWICEiest shit ever.
Like Talk that Talk, Queen of Hearts also has a killer closer. The production already started to grow from the bridge, but now the guitarist finally went Super Saiyan and instead of supporting the drums, they both take the centrepiece in tandem.
Then finally, the closing moments of the song even manage to squeeze in some more sappiness.
So thank you for the memories
You’re all the ones who made me~
So thank you for the memories
That I’m the Queen of Hearts
I still can’t believe that this banger is a FAN SONG out of all things. Truly, the TWICEiest shit ever.
THE GOOD
- Adorable fucking lyrics
- Unrelenting, roaring chorus
- English and vocal flex
- Addicting guitar riffs
- Chaeyoung rapping in English in their Korean songs somehow slaps harder than her English rapping in their English songs, nonetheless, in QoH, it fits with the sound of the song
- Walking home from a K-pop festival with this song playing, felt like a Queen of Hearts
I love these types of rock songs with how grunge and head-bang-able they are, there is just a certain nostalgic and cheesy quality to them that feels so cozy. I don’t love putting them on repeat, because in this case, I do believe there is such a thing as too much of a good thing. Perhaps more shredding, maybe a guitar solo to rock out to, or an accompaniment(!) of ad-libs from 3MIX to support Jihyo’s final chorus? A ONCE can dream of a truly bombastic rock song from TWICE. But then again that distracts from the core of what this song is: a fan song disguised as a rock song.
Queen of Hearts has so much sweetness in its lyrics and message that it's overflowing. The drums, guitar, and vocals can be as loud and intricate as they can, but the theme of this song is what makes it special from TWICE’s other rock songs — it’s a 9/10 for me.
I WANNA WANNA WANNA
TAKE YOU TO THE BASICS
Basics 🌈
Sole lyricist credit: Chaeyoung
Quite possibly the jammiest (pun intended) song of the album.
A song written by the Strawberry Princess herself — an event similar in frequency to other artists' releases with her last song being 2020’s silky Handle It — Basics first starts with an understated and dreamy delivery. After the first stanza, however, a bouncy Miami bass line emerges, revealing the true nature of the song: this is a classic summer bop! Especially in the first rap,
dareun aedeulgwaneun dalla
Ain’t beggin’ for love
nappeun geon anijana ige naraseo
eodiro twilji molla
Like rainbow bubble gum
geureoni nal kkwak butjabadweo
Syllables are pronounced in a relaxed nature, bars often starting with an "ah" sound, flirty lines in English — this rap features a production full of pop with R&B flourishes and, in my opinion, this is Chaeyoung’s bag. Also, the line "rainbow bubblegum" is so adorable and so Chaeyoung.
I wanna wanna wanna take it to the basics
da weonhae weonhae weonhae? seodureuji ma Baby
ppeonhae ppeonhae malhae mweohae da al tende
Ah yeah ah yeah ah yeah ah yeah
That chorus is pure pop with a Miami bass backing; you better be bopping your head to the melody, if not booty poppin' to the bassline. Chaeyoung loves rhyming in the first half of the chorus to enhance its catchiness and it's damn incredible: the “wanna”, “weonhae”, and “ppeonhae” all create these imperfect rhymes that continue momentum without feeling repetitive.
After the very Boy With Luv-sounding “ah yeah ah yeah, ah yeah ah yeah” comes an 8-bar split half and half between Chaeyoung and Momo. Coming from the chorus, the production completely cuts out for the first 2 bars. This adds tension; the song yearns to have that bass beat thumping again and all we have in the audio space in those 2 bars is Chaeyoung spittin' and she delivered.
taneun deut tteugeoun samak wie
yeppeuge pieonan jangmi gata
joshimseure naege dagaol ttae
nado moreuge jjilleobeoril tende
Translating to:
Above the hot, burning desert
It’s like a rose that bloomed beautifully
When you come to me slowly
I will prick you unconsciously
The rap feels slick, effortless, and confident. Her diction remains sharp when enunciating each syllable but she doesn’t let the flow of her rap waver or build as her 4 bars go by, it’s just smooth consistency throughout. Even the lyrics possess an aura of laid-back collectedness that is just so her. The things Chaeyoung can do when given her pen.
THE GOOD
- That sweet summer vibe of a chorus
- The “spaceship” post-chorus is killer
- Chaeyoung devoured this song
- Sure-footed, confident lyrics
- Perhaps an alteration of that ah yeah ah yeah line
- The way Jihyo did her pre-chorus line is good, but Mina’s is great
- After donating my hair, walking down the rainbow-coloured areas of downtown Toronto with this song playing was very… fitting
This song is summer bliss distilled into 2:56. It’s dreamy, the raps are satisfying, and the ending is charming. I will say that although the second half of the song adds the stunning “spaceship” post-choruses and a floaty bridge with an incredible drumbeat drop into the final chorus, the raps of the song make it feel a bit front-loaded. And in an album stacked with awesome finishers, it feels more apparent.
With that said, it’s an 8/10 bop for me. This song is so easy to put on and it feels exactly what Chaeyoung would make if given the reins to produce a pop song all on her own. The lyrics are nonchalant but full of conviction, the wordplay is intricate, and the production playful but not too bombastic — it's just a nice vibe. Songs like Basics are the standard for good, simple, repeatable pop music and I’m happy that Chaeyoung got to test her pen in this genre.
BABY WE’RE IN
TROUBLE TROUBLE
Trouble 💃
Sole lyricist credit: JihyoBackground vocals: Jihyo
Lead composer credit: Jihyo
Vocal director credit: Jihyo (an assumption given her contributions in First Time)
One of the most enjoyable songs I’ve heard in a while.
There is an underlying tension within the first 4 bars of the song, Jihyo and Nayeon confidently open it to a nondescript array of synths and then the stanza ends, Momo announces “Let’s go”, the beat drops and it hits you: this is a club song.
Dahyun's relaxed delivery contrasted with Jeongyeon's staccato flow, the wobbly synth beat with sprinkle of house piano, Sana dramatically slowing down the song only for Tzuyu to build it back up until the chorus drops,
- Nayeon opens it using a breathy tone, with vocal chops serving as harmonies
- The blooming of the house piano takes centre stage and the song ascends into euphoria
- A random drum roll capped off by a cymbal crash
- Jeongyeon’s pronunciation of the word “trouble” almost being a growl
- Chaeyoung slyly admitting “I like this trouble”
- The entirety of Tzuyu’s tro~oh~oh~ouble yeah~
- Sana using her deep voice for the na~na~na~na
- Jihyo leading the vocals during the synchronized T W I C E chant
This chorus is perfect. Toronto’s residential market needs this song injected into its veins because god damn this song has SO much house in it. And then, ANOTHER KILLING PART: this rap fucking slaps.
gamchweo bwatja geugeon Fake
ppajin hamjeongeun Sweet cake
During the first 2 bars, Chaeyoung is keeping it calm because that trip of a chorus just ended and the song needs a breather, but I don't think anyone expected her to SNAP this hard afterwards:
You cannot resist this
Cannot miss this, such a bliss
Ima put it down down
Oh yeah, better kiss kiss
Below is the structure of her this portion of the rap, I’m not that well versed in this technical aspect of music theory but I digress, this is all in the span of around 5 seconds where it’s:
Triplet-triplet
Quadruplet-triplet
Quadruplet-doublet
Doublet-quadruplet
Now, 25/5 = 5 syllables per second isn’t groundbreaking, but goddamn it these 2 bars sound so nice — if there is one part in this album that I always repeat, it’s this. The addition of that first quadruplet for “cannot miss this” in the midst of the triplets sticks out and accelerates the flow of the rap while the following doublets and quadruplets destabilize and slow the rap down as the verse closes. And can I just point out:
THE MAIN VOCALIST WROTE, DIRECTED, AND COMPOSED THIS SONG ‼
Chaeyoung of course delivered the fuck out of her verse but THIS is what you get when you have a member not only write the words they’re saying but also the melody and flow with which they sing it, when that member knows the others so well that when they write a song they know how to make the group exceed. This is what you get when the artists you stan love doing artist shit.
And. AND. That's not all — with how much I mentioned I love a good outro to close a song, this outro slaps as well:
Woo wee woo wee woo
I like this trouble be-be
Woo wee woo wee woo
I like this trouble bay-be
Woo wee woo wee woo
I like this trouble bay-beh
Woo wee woo wee woo
I like this trou-ble
Like, come on, Nayeon’s imitating a police siren for crying out loud. And this is all after her ad-libs in the final post-chorus; after the pianist going full tilt and playing that piano as if it was their last chance to ever play; after that final T W I C E chant by all the members come these blissful 20 seconds at the very end. What a song.
THE GOOD
- The theme of relishing in an uncontrolled love
- Sana and Mina’s melody in the pre-chorus
- Chorus
- Rap
- Outro
- Wees and woos
- Mina’s line of “falling down, falling down, falling down low” in verse 2 feels a bit too abrupt of a change
- While writing Trouble's review I had this song on repeat for my whole subway commute and I must've been so distracting, just head-bopping and being so invested in enjoying a song
Need I say more, easy 9/10. The only reason I place Talk that Talk above Trouble is because of what that song represents but besides that, this is one of the best “international” sounds they’ve put out. Actually, I haven’t listened to Eyes wide open in a while but this song is up there with one of the most sonically pleasing pieces of work they’ve done.
Clubbing TWICE has always been a thing since TT was birthed in 2016, and has been a staple of their discography since 2019’s Fancy You and Feel Special mini albums, but Trouble unapologetically dives into and fits the house genre so well you’d think that this is TWICE’s bread and butter sound.
Trouble is Jihyo’s magnum opus. What a song.
BRAVE BRAVE BRAVE
FOR YOU
Brave 💖
Main producer: Slow Rabbit of HYBE
I first thought this was just a good song, then I read the lyrics.
Gentle guitar plucks, shimmering synths, a distant keyboard in the right ear, in the left a glockenspiel, the melodic oohs from the members — this song is PRETTY.
The night that was unusually dark
Above this terrifying world, felt so lonely
The world has grown in the time of wandering
So hard to breathe
Mina and Chaeyoung open the song with how they feel lonely and that it's hard to breathe and now suddenly the song feels bittersweet — I was not expecting the song to be this emotional. Brave describes a situation where the singer is in a darker place in life and it isn't until another person gives them hope by calling them 'brave' that they find the drive to keep going.
Once the chorus hits, the melodies pick up, more guitars get added — there’s even an electric guitar hidden in the mix somewhere, and the song drops the emotional front to reveal a mid-tempo pop song to dance to while crying in the club. The song as a whole still carries this melancholy feeling, but now with the added support of this chorus acting as a light amongst the gloom.
Continuing on in the second verse there's this gorgeous, well-placed break in the song that just lets it settle after that chorus. Only a seasoned producer would risk this much empty space in a song and Slow Rabbit went to fill those shoes.
Back to the chorus, I'll take this moment to once again commend Slow Rabbit with the mixing of the song, because 4MIX undoubtedly sounds good in the chorus, and the interludes from Dahyun, Chaeyoung, and Mina also sound really good, but the clear highlight of the choruses are these lines:
Oh na na na neon nal naige hae [Momo, then Tzuyu, then Momo]
On and on and on
Brave brave brave for ya [Dahyun, then Chaeyoung, then Mina]
Oh na na na neon nal sum shwige hae [Sana, then Momo, then Sana]
On and on and on oh trust me babe
Momo, Sana, and Tzuyu form this beautiful, surprisingly catchy, second half of the chorus accompanied by a guitar drop. It should not turn out this well with how conflicting the "na"s are with the guitar melody but it creates this gentle bopping ebb and flow that feels so lush and mellow.
Diving into the bridge reveals that the listener of the song is revealed not only capable of supporting the singer through direct words but also through their thoughts and dreams. As can be discerned, this can be a song interpreted to be about ONCEs, about how they push TWICE to be their best selves despite the breathless hardships they face. It's a very sweet and touching song.
THE GOOD
- Special lyrics
- Pleasant sound to vibe out to
- That gentle break after the first chorus
- Jihyo’s high note at the end
- A Nayeon Jeongyeon joint high note ⁉️
- Just pretty vocals throughout
- Potentially hard to comprehend without translating the Korean lyrics
- Form of Therapy’s life motto revolves around the word “brave”. I don’t know where I got that from, but I remembered it right before watching his album reaction
I’m actually spoiled with the TWICE members’ easy-to-understand songwriting that when a song like this pops up where it's not written by a member and the thematic bits are mostly in Korean, I tend to put it aside in favour of the other songs on the album. And, especially for a song focusing on a theme like this where the English phrases don’t do the Korean lyrics enough justice, it does place a bit of a barrier on the listening experience, dropping it down to a 7/10 from an 8/10.
With that anecdote out of the way, this song is just such a vibe, man. I know that sounds super hippy to say but Brave is so mellow and smooth that I can’t help but sway a little when that chorus hits. And then I remember what the lyrics say and I tear up a bit on the inside. This song is so pure, raw, and full of heart — we need more songs like these where they just reminisce about life while putting up an upbeat front. Don't mind me just crying while dancing the night away.
With that said, this isn't the first time this theme has been sung by TWICE either, they've long trodden this path of supportive, confiding, up-lifting songs with Young & Wild, Rainbow, Queen, Go Hard, Depend on You, even this album's Queen of Hearts, and, of course, Feel Special. Brave just adds another on top of an already stacked lineup, unique with its mellow somberness.
Also now feels like a good time to get into my rating system:
- 7/10s are songs are ones that are simply good throughout or great songs with apparent flaws
- 8/10s are great songs with standout characteristics
- 9/10s are borderline perfect songs where I sometimes can't comprehend how great they are
- And 10/10s are the best of an artist's discography, songs that encapsulate their ethos perfectly or expand upon them in a meaningful way
I SEE THE LIES
ON THE TIP OF YOUR TONGUE
Gone 💨
Sole lyricist credit: Dahyun
Who the fuck pissed off Dubu this time??
It’s getting quite rare to see TWICE pull off brand new sounds because, with now 190 original songs under their belt, they’ve done so many genres and sub-genres varying from hyper pop, to bossa nova, to whatever 2020’s Go Hard is. So it’s surprising to see they’ve still got tricks up their sleeves and Gone is one of them.
The song starts with strings swinging back and forth and vocal chops dancing from ear to ear, teasing what’s yet to come. Jihyo enters the song with a whisper and the song sets its pace. A stagnant drum pad moves the song along and typical song progression would have Mina continue the build but — it doesn’t. The song simmers, adding a hint of high hat to the pot. And then, Sana and Tzuyu come on and surely the buildup must boil over right?
Silence, until…
I see the LIES on the top of your tongue
The strings emerge again on full blast, the simmer rolls to a boil, and the anger of the song is revealed,
All the fate I had towards you
Fades like a fog, gone, gone
Your flipping mind of doing this and that
I’m tired of it, it’s meaningless
In the beginning, it was hard to believe
With that, hatred increases
The singer is so scorned and burned from this relationship that they reminisce about all the effort they’ve put in since the beginning, but their “partner” is so unconcerned that they’ve just about had enough of the relationship altogether.
This has been Dahyun’s thing since 2020’s Bring It Back, 2021’s Cruel, 2022’s That’s all I’m saying, and even 2023's Don't Blame It On Me — emotionally charged breakup songs that make you feel as if she’s gone through a dozen bad relationships. Dispatch, do your job better, or don't.
Another highlight of the song is the post-chorus going into the bridge. This segment reiterates the structure from the first post-chorus — a barrage of drums supported by the rhythmic strumming of a bass guitar along with a consistent synth filling out the soundscape. But this time, it’s Dahyun and Chaeyoung on the rap:
I can’t stand it anymore [Dahyun]
My patience, invisible
I can’t find it, it’s all gone
Even if I try to turn back, it’s too late [Chaeyoung]
There’s no use anymore
It has left, it’s long gone
You, with flipping mind, you are out [Momo]
I know that you know what I’m talking about [Dahyun]
Nothing you could say that could turn this around
I’m gone
Continuing the disrespected theme of the song, Dahyun notes that she’s finally had enough with Chaeyoung adding that there’s no point salvaging what was once there for all of it is long gone. Momo and Dahyun round it off by telling the listener that there’s no point trying to reason with them or playing naive, they fucked up and there’s no coming back.
Can I just say, it's a bit of a shame that Chaeyoung’s rapping popped off in this album while Dahyun only has this one verse that she shares with Chaeyoung, but it just sounds so good how Dahyun eases in after the chorus with her light rapping tone transitioning into her singing. She even holds the “gone” in a little crescendo for some added pizzazz.
And, there’s no way I’m not going to talk about Momo’s vocals in this bridge. Damned if she only got 1 line to use it in, her lower register is incredible. She sounds so smooth singing in this tone. All of TWICE do in particular and there is nary a weak vocal performance in this album.
To close the song off, a wash of synths gets to have their shine in the spotlight, showered with Nayeon’s belting, signifying the dramatic and drawn-out conclusion of this partnership.
THE GOOD
- They’ve still got their surprises
- Thundering chorus
- 2nd rap and bridge combo
- A bitter, crumbling relationship theme
- I’m not a huge fan of the mixing during the first post-chorus, where Momo's vocals were fighting with the production, which is disappointing because Momo is capable of an insane flow
- The post-chorus in general, specifically the first one, can be a bit tiring on repeat listens
- Actually, I think this song sounds like a mix between GOT7's Not By The Moon, BLACKPINK’s Love To Hate Me, and Dahyun’s Bring It Back. I don’t know where I got this thought came from, but it stuck
Going back to that point about the first post-chorus as a whole; songs that have the production continue unchanged into the post-chorus/2nd verse are very hit or miss for me — see TWICE's Don't Call Me Again for an overbearing example. The post-chorus going into the bridge contrasts Dahyun’s light tone nicely with the hard-hitting production, continuing the energy until it slowly fades into silence at the end of the bridge.
Back to the song as a whole, as much as TWICE has been experimenting with their sound for the past 4 years now, I’m happy they’re still finding new ways to explore what they’re capable of. And for that alone, even though I’m not a big fan of songs like these where they rely on sounding “big”, Dahyun’s lyricism and the thrill I receive every time I indulge myself in this song when I listen to it for the first time in a while elevates it to an 8/10. Keep on breaking hearts, Dubu.
INVINCIBLE
SUPERHEROES
When We Were Kids 🧸
Sole lyricist credit: Dahyun
Press play to reminisce, pull up lyrics to cry.
This song is so beautiful. I’m totally not writing this song review, crying on the bus reminiscing about my childhood, while just having turned 21. I don’t know if these are happy or sad tears but this song is so beautiful either way.
Warm synths, muted piano, a gentle high hat, the younger members starting off the song — this has to be up there for one of the softest TWICE songs ever. And as it should, it’s one of the TWICEiest songs ever. And then Nayeon comes in,
Invincible superheroes, we wanted to be adults
To the higher, clearer world
The chords start swelling, the high hat keeps pace, and the harmonies come in,
Remember when we were kids
When we were kids, we didn’t know
If we could go back
I will love it even more
Remember when we were kids
Jihyo takes up the second half of the chorus as it drops, trading the strings for an almost R&B synth production — if choir R&B takes off, this song started it. The song relishes in this cacophony of warm sounds until returning to its sparse and peaceful verses.
This time, the hints of piano are louder, little twinkling synths begin to shimmer, the drum buildup comes and Jeongyeon drives the song straight into the chorus. No time for the strings to build like in Nayeon’s — this song loves its chorus so much.
And I'll just take this time to appreciate the amount of Jeongyeon vocals in this album. Her voice is so clean, stable, and projected — but also more tender and soft compared to the more pronounced tones of Nayeon and Jihyo.
The bridge comes in, repeating the phrase:
I wish that I could meet
Could meet the younger me
Giving the song time to rest, before building back up to the last chorus — this time led by Jihyo, completing the 3MIX trifecta. And interestingly enough, Chaeyoung follows up in the second half of the chorus, rather than another member of the vocal line. She really did pop off in this album.
As the last chorus begins to close, the percussion at its strongest, the harmonies on blast, the background vocals cranked up to their Sunday best, is the song going to end? Of course not! This is an album full of banger endings as if the songs don’t want to end, and When We Were Kids being the album closer very much indulges in that feeling.
After a brief refrain, accented by Nayeon’s high note with a touch of vibrato, the song almost dives back into a fourth chorus. Nayeon and Jeongyeon harmonize — a rare and heavenly moment. And the song repeats the bridge, reiterating that they want to meet their younger selves, this time with the lush chorus production before closing with silence, a few piano notes, and Tzuyu singing the last line of the song:
Oh, we were kids
Reflection, acceptance, hope. What a song.
THE GOOD
- Heavenly vocals throughout
- Relatable, heartfelt lyrics
- Euphoric chorus
- Great closer to the album
- Refrain after the last chorus, "Back when we were kids," could’ve been executed better
- For an album titled Between 1&2, I don’t think anything hits harder than finishing the song reviews, with this song in particular, during your 21st birthday
I wrote the first part of this review in November 2022. Then university, life, and other things got in the way of my headspace for me to feel confident about wrapping all of this up. In a way, I felt like I just didn’t want this review to end because of the joy that writing gives me — I didn’t want the happiness to end. And then it hit me, after watching a YouTuber rank animated movies and them placing Spirited Away at the top and explaining 'why' reminded me of just how important growing up is, and by extension this song.
This theme is important for both the rookie TWICE members in 2015 and the teenagers who would follow their journey and grow up with them, facing life’s obstacles along the way. Hardships that used to only involve family, crushes, and social media, evolve into work, commitments and all the struggles that adult life brings. Being a kid and enjoying the simple things in life is one of the most sought-after moments we want to relive because we took growing up for granted. The only thing we can do now is look back on ourselves with fondness and rose-tinted lenses.
TWICE’s original marketing was to resonate with people through their senses and their hearts. That was during their debut, and I think it still holds up today. In my opinion, touching people through their emotions is what TWICE does best and makes them one of K-pop’s all-time greats. It was never about having the best numbers — it was always about being the best idols. And to think that this journey of maturation and growth would occur from 2015 all the way to this song, being a fitting nod to TWICE’s 7th anniversary, I don’t think anyone at the company nor the group would ever imagine that they would get this far. It’s these nine women or none — 9/10.
This song honestly deserves a 10/10 with how much I noticed other people reminiscing their childhoods after I heard this song, it is such a widely-relatable message, but I am determined to limit myself to one 10/10 song per album and if I were to pick between TTT and WWWK, I'd give it to the one's that's more repeatable — Talk that Talk just has this electric energy about it.
Epilogue
And finally here is the end. If you made it in one sitting then I commend you, because I could not write this mess in one sitting. As alluded to, I started writing this album review sometime in October, after a series of edits the first draft was finished in March, and now here's the final draft in June.I love this album. It got me through some important parts of my life, both good and bad, and it's just a wonderful listen throughout. Reliving this album again before finally completing the review has been an exciting journey. Brave hit me harder this time, after being overshadowed by the other gems of this album, and WWWK finally got me to tear up and not just be emotionally satisfied.
I feel like there's something for everyone on this album. From the exhilarating thrills of TTT to the anthemic euphoria of QoH, the clubbing dichotomy of Trouble and Brave to the blissful glee of Basics, and the sweet reminiscence of WWWK to the thundering anger that is Gone. Like Eyes wide open, I liken Between 1&2 to a pop music taste platter — there's such an eclectic mix of pop, music in this album that there's bound to be a song that someone will love, like, and dislike.
Is this album perfect? I don't think so, but it's close — it was certainly my 2022 AOTY. Was this review biased? Absolutely. I've been a fan since 2019 and with the themes in this album, I also feel like it was biased towards me as a ONCE. And how would I rank the album in TWICE's catalogue? It's honestly at the top, at least with EPs — I also felt that way towards Feel Special but then this album was birthed so I'm excited for TWICE's future.
Ready To Be was also a stunning album and Eyes wide open frankly also deserved the spotlight that Formula of Love received so I might hit those next but no promises; this album took long enough to bake.
As for the performances, I've only seen Twitter clips (no fancams to not spoil myself) and I am SO EXCITED to finally see them in July. QoH was as glorious as expected, Brave was a delightful surprise, and WWWK, while not being the concert closer everyone expected it to be, paired up nicely with Crazy Stupid Love. And of course the bombastic addition of the dance break to TTT. But, this is not a concert review, and this is where this album review ends.
Feel free to comment with any thoughts regarding the album, other TWICE albums, and any suggestions for my writing in general. Congrats again on making it this far!
God, I love this album.
2023.06.02 23:47 smolcrackheadenergy TWICE Between 1&2 Album Review
And yes, this is 9 months late 😭 I'm not sorry — when I find an album review online it's always around a paragraph per song or even shorter. It makes sense from a journalistic perspective, but I want to do this album justice, hence taking 7 months to write out all my thoughts.
This shit is comprehensive and definitely overanalyzed, especially in Talk that Talk and Trouble. Each song review will compose of my commentary going over the song, noting the details I noticed through months of listening, then a conclusion. Also, mild swearing warning, I like implementing a touch of "French" when I'm very emotional about something. Anyway, onto the review!
TELL ME WHAT YOU WANT
TELL ME WHAT YOU NEED
One of the most perfect TWICE songs.
I think this is one of TWICE’s best-sounding title tracks. Warm modulated synths, a thrumming bass line, distant bells, shimmering synths — the purpose of this song is to be fun and my god is it excellent at it, like… Sana and Chaeyoung are saying knock-knock-knock and beep-beep-beep as if they’re some kind of car. So much fun.
Further along in the verse, Dahyun’s voice sounds so full and smooth with that layered harmony. Tzuyu coming with the Yes or Yes, Push & Pull, and 1 to 10 references — these are 5 years of song references. And Jeongyeon closes the pre-chorus accompanied by a rising synth to drop into chorus one. Jeongyeon slays pre-choruses.
The drums accelerate, the synths start blasting, and Jihyo opens to that party of a chorus with her godly vocals,
During Sana's Talk that Talk~ lines there’s this gentle ascending synth bell that rings with the descending melody and it sounds absolutely gorgeous. And the choreography during that part of the chorus is so so so so fun: the talking hands bit, spelling L-O-V-E, concluding with the deullyeojweo ooh! Oh my Jihyo the deullyeojweo ooh…
Have I mentioned this song is fun?
Speeding through verse 2; Chaeyoung’s part with the cat ears popping in the music video is adorable; Momo her stretching her arms out looks so damn cool; and Dahyun with her replay part sounds so lovely — although I think it sonically sounds a touch random, it makes sense thematically.
And now for this pre-chorus. Mina and Jihyo leading into it sound great BUT JEONGYEON… Now, she is my ult bias, and this pre-chorus sounds almost identical to the first one, but the way she holds that final note, enunciating and holding that now~ for one more beat before the chorus drops sounds so perfect — the song teeters on a cliff edge. Jeongyeon slays pre-choruses.
Dropping into the second chorus and man, Jihyo powered through that first chorus, but the way Nayeon delivers it just hits different. She has this indescribable “pop” voice (I promise this wasn't on purpose) that stands out and shouts this is THE chorus. I think this is especially apparent in how both lead their choruses where Jihyo starts at 120% power while Nayeon waits until [Tell me] WHAT YOU WANT to full-send it. She also highlights “malhaebwa” in a similar way later in the chorus.
Another deullyeojweo ooh! Nayeon travels to Narnia, and Mina the engineer strikes again in this heavenly, underwater-esque bridge,
The word “love” is said for the first time in the song. There’s a funky keyboard instrument behind Chaeyoung’s part. Jihyo, Chaeyoung, and Nayeon take the initiative in their lyrics, professing their love before closing the bridge.
And now for the pièce-de-résistance: this final double chorus is exceptional — 40 seconds of crack-laced euphoria; Jihyo switches up the chorus and the choreo, Dahyun chimes in with her fluttery “Talk that Talk”, Momo comes out of nowhere with “oh yeah it sounds so good!” — you’re damn right it does, and this is where the song SOARS.
Nayeon outright shouts “Tell me what you need” and then Jeongyeon sings the above lines in such an ethereal, warm way where the first line ascends while the second line descends, causing a lull in the song before the finale with Nayeon, finishing off the song with the final deullyeojweo ooh! What a party. What a song.
THE GOOD
Lyrics and theme-wise, if this were to have been TWICE’s last comeback, they’ve once again built upon the theme they've been doing since debut: a Bildungsroman, a coming-of-age story.
This song’s chorus is honest yet simple; it asks the listener, in this case, the other half of the relationship, to be more upfront and open with their love (never be scared of love), that before the relationship can continue and flourish there has to be a foundation and commitment of love between each other.
TWICE debuted with a song about making your crush go ooh ahh. Years later, they started pondering “What is love?” and imagining their crush responding with “yes” when asking them out — and now concluding with the phrase “Talk that talk, [talk that] L-O-V-E”, being upfront with the relationship, wishing their partner to also be happy, to commit to them, to feel the love that they want to impart on them. From gawking like ooh-ahh to talking out your shared love like adults — to having a true relationship between (one and) two.
And can I just say before finishing off Talk that Talk's review that this is such a fun and repeatable song with many little intricacies hidden in the nonet’s vocals and the production. This is the third draft I’m writing about Talk that Talk and its original word count pretty much quadrupled.
Harkening back to TWICE’s roots by combining mature thinking with youthful character, an incredible ending to look forward to, and just simply being a club-banger that’s easy to listen to, TTT is an easy 10/10.
WATCH ME GO WATCH ME GO
RULE THE WORLD
If there was one B-side to promote in a live clip, this was a solid choice.
Helmed by LDN Noise going headlong into the Western boy-group rock-band aesthetic, Queen of Hearts is a boom-boom-clap song through and through. The drums are very prominent throughout the song, only giving room to riffs of electric guitar in the chorus to drive and continue the momentum of the music.
And speaking of the chorus, vocal line each got a chorus to flex and they did not fuck around,
Cymbals crashing, drums booming, and 3MIX belting all just so sound so good.
These long, held-out notes performed by Jihyo and Nayeon are simply exquisite. Along with the shredding guitar, the drum set coming in full, and the interludes by Dahyun, Momo, and Chaeyoung, this is the part of the song that always, always, gives me goosebumps — it sounds so visceral, so energetic, so fun, so triumphant. Boom-boom-clap songs can be hit or miss with people, but there's no denying the payoff from the first part of the chorus to the second part is worth the wait.
The theme of the song so far has been kind of spread around the song. The chorus alludes to it with the line "And it’s all because of you." But Mina shows more sides of it in the second verse, especially with the phrase,
It sounds really lovely — in a very cheesy and affectionate kind of way, as it rightfully should — the song is about the girls and their fans. But the bridge is where the song indeed shows its colours
This is a song CONCEIVED TO BE PERFORMED FOR THE FANS. It’s meant to be loud. It’s meant to be unapologetic. It’s meant to be sappy. And it’s all the more wonderful for it.
This is the TWICEiest shit ever.
Like Talk that Talk, Queen of Hearts also has a killer closer. The production already started to grow from the bridge, but now the guitarist finally went Super Saiyan and instead of supporting the drums, they both take the centrepiece in tandem.
Then finally, the closing moments of the song even manage to squeeze in some more sappiness.
I still can’t believe that this banger is a FAN SONG out of all things. Truly, the TWICEiest shit ever.
THE GOOD
I love these types of rock songs with how grunge and head-bang-able they are, there is just a certain nostalgic and cheesy quality to them that feels so cozy. I don’t love putting them on repeat, because in this case, I do believe there is such a thing as too much of a good thing. Perhaps more shredding, maybe a guitar solo to rock out to, or an accompaniment(!) of ad-libs from 3MIX to support Jihyo’s final chorus? A ONCE can dream of a truly bombastic rock song from TWICE. But then again that distracts from the core of what this song is: a fan song disguised as a rock song.
Queen of Hearts has so much sweetness in its lyrics and message that it's overflowing. The drums, guitar, and vocals can be as loud and intricate as they can, but the theme of this song is what makes it special from TWICE’s other rock songs — it’s a 9/10 for me.
I WANNA WANNA WANNA
TAKE YOU TO THE BASICS
Quite possibly the jammiest (pun intended) song of the album.
A song written by the Strawberry Princess herself — an event similar in frequency to other artists' releases with her last song being 2020’s silky Handle It — Basics first starts with an understated and dreamy delivery. After the first stanza, however, a bouncy Miami bass line emerges, revealing the true nature of the song: this is a classic summer bop! Especially in the first rap,
Syllables are pronounced in a relaxed nature, bars often starting with an "ah" sound, flirty lines in English — this rap features a production full of pop with R&B flourishes and, in my opinion, this is Chaeyoung’s bag. Also, the line "rainbow bubblegum" is so adorable and so Chaeyoung.
That chorus is pure pop with a Miami bass backing; you better be bopping your head to the melody, if not booty poppin' to the bassline. Chaeyoung loves rhyming in the first half of the chorus to enhance its catchiness and it's damn incredible: the “wanna”, “weonhae”, and “ppeonhae” all create these imperfect rhymes that continue momentum without feeling repetitive.
After the very Boy With Luv-sounding “ah yeah ah yeah, ah yeah ah yeah” comes an 8-bar split half and half between Chaeyoung and Momo. Coming from the chorus, the production completely cuts out for the first 2 bars. This adds tension; the song yearns to have that bass beat thumping again and all we have in the audio space in those 2 bars is Chaeyoung spittin' and she delivered.
Translating to:
The rap feels slick, effortless, and confident. Her diction remains sharp when enunciating each syllable but she doesn’t let the flow of her rap waver or build as her 4 bars go by, it’s just smooth consistency throughout. Even the lyrics possess an aura of laid-back collectedness that is just so her. The things Chaeyoung can do when given her pen.
THE GOOD
This song is summer bliss distilled into 2:56. It’s dreamy, the raps are satisfying, and the ending is charming. I will say that although the second half of the song adds the stunning “spaceship” post-choruses and a floaty bridge with an incredible drumbeat drop into the final chorus, the raps of the song make it feel a bit front-loaded. And in an album stacked with awesome finishers, it feels more apparent.
With that said, it’s an 8/10 bop for me. This song is so easy to put on and it feels exactly what Chaeyoung would make if given the reins to produce a pop song all on her own. The lyrics are nonchalant but full of conviction, the wordplay is intricate, and the production playful but not too bombastic — it's just a nice vibe. Songs like Basics are the standard for good, simple, repeatable pop music and I’m happy that Chaeyoung got to test her pen in this genre.
BABY WE’RE IN
TROUBLE TROUBLE
Background vocals: Jihyo
Lead composer credit: Jihyo
Vocal director credit: Jihyo (an assumption given her contributions in First Time)
One of the most enjoyable songs I’ve heard in a while.
There is an underlying tension within the first 4 bars of the song, Jihyo and Nayeon confidently open it to a nondescript array of synths and then the stanza ends, Momo announces “Let’s go”, the beat drops and it hits you: this is a club song.
Dahyun's relaxed delivery contrasted with Jeongyeon's staccato flow, the wobbly synth beat with sprinkle of house piano, Sana dramatically slowing down the song only for Tzuyu to build it back up until the chorus drops,
This chorus is perfect. Toronto’s residential market needs this song injected into its veins because god damn this song has SO much house in it. And then, ANOTHER KILLING PART: this rap fucking slaps.
During the first 2 bars, Chaeyoung is keeping it calm because that trip of a chorus just ended and the song needs a breather, but I don't think anyone expected her to SNAP this hard afterwards:
Below is the structure of her this portion of the rap, I’m not that well versed in this technical aspect of music theory but I digress, this is all in the span of around 5 seconds where it’s:
Now, 25/5 = 5 syllables per second isn’t groundbreaking, but goddamn it these 2 bars sound so nice — if there is one part in this album that I always repeat, it’s this. The addition of that first quadruplet for “cannot miss this” in the midst of the triplets sticks out and accelerates the flow of the rap while the following doublets and quadruplets destabilize and slow the rap down as the verse closes. And can I just point out:
THE MAIN VOCALIST WROTE, DIRECTED, AND COMPOSED THIS SONG ‼
Chaeyoung of course delivered the fuck out of her verse but THIS is what you get when you have a member not only write the words they’re saying but also the melody and flow with which they sing it, when that member knows the others so well that when they write a song they know how to make the group exceed. This is what you get when the artists you stan love doing artist shit.
And. AND. That's not all — with how much I mentioned I love a good outro to close a song, this outro slaps as well:
Like, come on, Nayeon’s imitating a police siren for crying out loud. And this is all after her ad-libs in the final post-chorus; after the pianist going full tilt and playing that piano as if it was their last chance to ever play; after that final T W I C E chant by all the members come these blissful 20 seconds at the very end. What a song.
THE GOOD
Need I say more, easy 9/10. The only reason I place Talk that Talk above Trouble is because of what that song represents but besides that, this is one of the best “international” sounds they’ve put out. Actually, I haven’t listened to Eyes wide open in a while but this song is up there with one of the most sonically pleasing pieces of work they’ve done.
Clubbing TWICE has always been a thing since TT was birthed in 2016, and has been a staple of their discography since 2019’s Fancy You and Feel Special mini albums, but Trouble unapologetically dives into and fits the house genre so well you’d think that this is TWICE’s bread and butter sound.
Trouble is Jihyo’s magnum opus. What a song.
BRAVE BRAVE BRAVE
FOR YOU
I first thought this was just a good song, then I read the lyrics.
Gentle guitar plucks, shimmering synths, a distant keyboard in the right ear, in the left a glockenspiel, the melodic oohs from the members — this song is PRETTY.
Mina and Chaeyoung open the song with how they feel lonely and that it's hard to breathe and now suddenly the song feels bittersweet — I was not expecting the song to be this emotional. Brave describes a situation where the singer is in a darker place in life and it isn't until another person gives them hope by calling them 'brave' that they find the drive to keep going.
Once the chorus hits, the melodies pick up, more guitars get added — there’s even an electric guitar hidden in the mix somewhere, and the song drops the emotional front to reveal a mid-tempo pop song to dance to while crying in the club. The song as a whole still carries this melancholy feeling, but now with the added support of this chorus acting as a light amongst the gloom.
Continuing on in the second verse there's this gorgeous, well-placed break in the song that just lets it settle after that chorus. Only a seasoned producer would risk this much empty space in a song and Slow Rabbit went to fill those shoes.
Back to the chorus, I'll take this moment to once again commend Slow Rabbit with the mixing of the song, because 4MIX undoubtedly sounds good in the chorus, and the interludes from Dahyun, Chaeyoung, and Mina also sound really good, but the clear highlight of the choruses are these lines:
Momo, Sana, and Tzuyu form this beautiful, surprisingly catchy, second half of the chorus accompanied by a guitar drop. It should not turn out this well with how conflicting the "na"s are with the guitar melody but it creates this gentle bopping ebb and flow that feels so lush and mellow.
Diving into the bridge reveals that the listener of the song is revealed not only capable of supporting the singer through direct words but also through their thoughts and dreams. As can be discerned, this can be a song interpreted to be about ONCEs, about how they push TWICE to be their best selves despite the breathless hardships they face. It's a very sweet and touching song.
THE GOOD
I’m actually spoiled with the TWICE members’ easy-to-understand songwriting that when a song like this pops up where it's not written by a member and the thematic bits are mostly in Korean, I tend to put it aside in favour of the other songs on the album. And, especially for a song focusing on a theme like this where the English phrases don’t do the Korean lyrics enough justice, it does place a bit of a barrier on the listening experience, dropping it down to a 7/10 from an 8/10.
With that anecdote out of the way, this song is just such a vibe, man. I know that sounds super hippy to say but Brave is so mellow and smooth that I can’t help but sway a little when that chorus hits. And then I remember what the lyrics say and I tear up a bit on the inside. This song is so pure, raw, and full of heart — we need more songs like these where they just reminisce about life while putting up an upbeat front. Don't mind me just crying while dancing the night away.
With that said, this isn't the first time this theme has been sung by TWICE either, they've long trodden this path of supportive, confiding, up-lifting songs with Young & Wild, Rainbow, Queen, Go Hard, Depend on You, even this album's Queen of Hearts, and, of course, Feel Special. Brave just adds another on top of an already stacked lineup, unique with its mellow somberness.
Also now feels like a good time to get into my rating system:
I SEE THE LIES
ON THE TIP OF YOUR TONGUE
Who the fuck pissed off Dubu this time??
It’s getting quite rare to see TWICE pull off brand new sounds because, with now 190 original songs under their belt, they’ve done so many genres and sub-genres varying from hyper pop, to bossa nova, to whatever 2020’s Go Hard is. So it’s surprising to see they’ve still got tricks up their sleeves and Gone is one of them.
The song starts with strings swinging back and forth and vocal chops dancing from ear to ear, teasing what’s yet to come. Jihyo enters the song with a whisper and the song sets its pace. A stagnant drum pad moves the song along and typical song progression would have Mina continue the build but — it doesn’t. The song simmers, adding a hint of high hat to the pot. And then, Sana and Tzuyu come on and surely the buildup must boil over right?
Silence, until…
The strings emerge again on full blast, the simmer rolls to a boil, and the anger of the song is revealed,
The singer is so scorned and burned from this relationship that they reminisce about all the effort they’ve put in since the beginning, but their “partner” is so unconcerned that they’ve just about had enough of the relationship altogether.
This has been Dahyun’s thing since 2020’s Bring It Back, 2021’s Cruel, 2022’s That’s all I’m saying, and even 2023's Don't Blame It On Me — emotionally charged breakup songs that make you feel as if she’s gone through a dozen bad relationships. Dispatch, do your job better, or don't.
Another highlight of the song is the post-chorus going into the bridge. This segment reiterates the structure from the first post-chorus — a barrage of drums supported by the rhythmic strumming of a bass guitar along with a consistent synth filling out the soundscape. But this time, it’s Dahyun and Chaeyoung on the rap:
Continuing the disrespected theme of the song, Dahyun notes that she’s finally had enough with Chaeyoung adding that there’s no point salvaging what was once there for all of it is long gone. Momo and Dahyun round it off by telling the listener that there’s no point trying to reason with them or playing naive, they fucked up and there’s no coming back.
Can I just say, it's a bit of a shame that Chaeyoung’s rapping popped off in this album while Dahyun only has this one verse that she shares with Chaeyoung, but it just sounds so good how Dahyun eases in after the chorus with her light rapping tone transitioning into her singing. She even holds the “gone” in a little crescendo for some added pizzazz.
And, there’s no way I’m not going to talk about Momo’s vocals in this bridge. Damned if she only got 1 line to use it in, her lower register is incredible. She sounds so smooth singing in this tone. All of TWICE do in particular and there is nary a weak vocal performance in this album.
To close the song off, a wash of synths gets to have their shine in the spotlight, showered with Nayeon’s belting, signifying the dramatic and drawn-out conclusion of this partnership.
THE GOOD
Going back to that point about the first post-chorus as a whole; songs that have the production continue unchanged into the post-chorus/2nd verse are very hit or miss for me — see TWICE's Don't Call Me Again for an overbearing example. The post-chorus going into the bridge contrasts Dahyun’s light tone nicely with the hard-hitting production, continuing the energy until it slowly fades into silence at the end of the bridge.
Back to the song as a whole, as much as TWICE has been experimenting with their sound for the past 4 years now, I’m happy they’re still finding new ways to explore what they’re capable of. And for that alone, even though I’m not a big fan of songs like these where they rely on sounding “big”, Dahyun’s lyricism and the thrill I receive every time I indulge myself in this song when I listen to it for the first time in a while elevates it to an 8/10. Keep on breaking hearts, Dubu.
INVINCIBLE
SUPERHEROES
Press play to reminisce, pull up lyrics to cry.
This song is so beautiful. I’m totally not writing this song review, crying on the bus reminiscing about my childhood, while just having turned 21. I don’t know if these are happy or sad tears but this song is so beautiful either way.
Warm synths, muted piano, a gentle high hat, the younger members starting off the song — this has to be up there for one of the softest TWICE songs ever. And as it should, it’s one of the TWICEiest songs ever. And then Nayeon comes in,
The chords start swelling, the high hat keeps pace, and the harmonies come in,
Jihyo takes up the second half of the chorus as it drops, trading the strings for an almost R&B synth production — if choir R&B takes off, this song started it. The song relishes in this cacophony of warm sounds until returning to its sparse and peaceful verses.
This time, the hints of piano are louder, little twinkling synths begin to shimmer, the drum buildup comes and Jeongyeon drives the song straight into the chorus. No time for the strings to build like in Nayeon’s — this song loves its chorus so much.
And I'll just take this time to appreciate the amount of Jeongyeon vocals in this album. Her voice is so clean, stable, and projected — but also more tender and soft compared to the more pronounced tones of Nayeon and Jihyo.
The bridge comes in, repeating the phrase:
Giving the song time to rest, before building back up to the last chorus — this time led by Jihyo, completing the 3MIX trifecta. And interestingly enough, Chaeyoung follows up in the second half of the chorus, rather than another member of the vocal line. She really did pop off in this album.
As the last chorus begins to close, the percussion at its strongest, the harmonies on blast, the background vocals cranked up to their Sunday best, is the song going to end? Of course not! This is an album full of banger endings as if the songs don’t want to end, and When We Were Kids being the album closer very much indulges in that feeling.
After a brief refrain, accented by Nayeon’s high note with a touch of vibrato, the song almost dives back into a fourth chorus. Nayeon and Jeongyeon harmonize — a rare and heavenly moment. And the song repeats the bridge, reiterating that they want to meet their younger selves, this time with the lush chorus production before closing with silence, a few piano notes, and Tzuyu singing the last line of the song:
Reflection, acceptance, hope. What a song.
THE GOOD
I wrote the first part of this review in November 2022. Then university, life, and other things got in the way of my headspace for me to feel confident about wrapping all of this up. In a way, I felt like I just didn’t want this review to end because of the joy that writing gives me — I didn’t want the happiness to end. And then it hit me, after watching a YouTuber rank animated movies and them placing Spirited Away at the top and explaining 'why' reminded me of just how important growing up is, and by extension this song.
This theme is important for both the rookie TWICE members in 2015 and the teenagers who would follow their journey and grow up with them, facing life’s obstacles along the way. Hardships that used to only involve family, crushes, and social media, evolve into work, commitments and all the struggles that adult life brings. Being a kid and enjoying the simple things in life is one of the most sought-after moments we want to relive because we took growing up for granted. The only thing we can do now is look back on ourselves with fondness and rose-tinted lenses.
TWICE’s original marketing was to resonate with people through their senses and their hearts. That was during their debut, and I think it still holds up today. In my opinion, touching people through their emotions is what TWICE does best and makes them one of K-pop’s all-time greats. It was never about having the best numbers — it was always about being the best idols. And to think that this journey of maturation and growth would occur from 2015 all the way to this song, being a fitting nod to TWICE’s 7th anniversary, I don’t think anyone at the company nor the group would ever imagine that they would get this far. It’s these nine women or none — 9/10.
This song honestly deserves a 10/10 with how much I noticed other people reminiscing their childhoods after I heard this song, it is such a widely-relatable message, but I am determined to limit myself to one 10/10 song per album and if I were to pick between TTT and WWWK, I'd give it to the one's that's more repeatable — Talk that Talk just has this electric energy about it.
I love this album. It got me through some important parts of my life, both good and bad, and it's just a wonderful listen throughout. Reliving this album again before finally completing the review has been an exciting journey. Brave hit me harder this time, after being overshadowed by the other gems of this album, and WWWK finally got me to tear up and not just be emotionally satisfied.
I feel like there's something for everyone on this album. From the exhilarating thrills of TTT to the anthemic euphoria of QoH, the clubbing dichotomy of Trouble and Brave to the blissful glee of Basics, and the sweet reminiscence of WWWK to the thundering anger that is Gone. Like Eyes wide open, I liken Between 1&2 to a pop music taste platter — there's such an eclectic mix of pop, music in this album that there's bound to be a song that someone will love, like, and dislike.
Is this album perfect? I don't think so, but it's close — it was certainly my 2022 AOTY. Was this review biased? Absolutely. I've been a fan since 2019 and with the themes in this album, I also feel like it was biased towards me as a ONCE. And how would I rank the album in TWICE's catalogue? It's honestly at the top, at least with EPs — I also felt that way towards Feel Special but then this album was birthed so I'm excited for TWICE's future.
Ready To Be was also a stunning album and Eyes wide open frankly also deserved the spotlight that Formula of Love received so I might hit those next but no promises; this album took long enough to bake.
As for the performances, I've only seen Twitter clips (no fancams to not spoil myself) and I am SO EXCITED to finally see them in July. QoH was as glorious as expected, Brave was a delightful surprise, and WWWK, while not being the concert closer everyone expected it to be, paired up nicely with Crazy Stupid Love. And of course the bombastic addition of the dance break to TTT. But, this is not a concert review, and this is where this album review ends.
Feel free to comment with any thoughts regarding the album, other TWICE albums, and any suggestions for my writing in general. Congrats again on making it this far!
God, I love this album.
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Intro
To preface this review, I just need to say that this is going to be a very, long read. Going through it myself just for the fun of it takes around 30 minutes — it's almost 7k words of text, including lyrical references. So for the best experience, listen to the album beforehand to understand what the hell I was thinking when I wrote this review, play the album while reading, and set a good amount of time aside.And yes, this is 9 months late 😭 I'm not sorry — when I find an album review online it's always around a paragraph per song or even shorter. It makes sense from a journalistic perspective, but I want to do this album justice, hence taking 7 months to write out all my thoughts.
This shit is comprehensive and definitely overanalyzed, especially in Talk that Talk and Trouble. Each song review will compose of my commentary going over the song, noting the details I noticed through months of listening, then a conclusion. Also, mild swearing warning, I like implementing a touch of "French" when I'm very emotional about something. Anyway, onto the review!
Between 1&2 💞
Album Review
TELL ME WHAT YOU WANT
TELL ME WHAT YOU NEED
Talk that Talk 🎙
Lead producer: collapsedone
One of the most perfect TWICE songs.
I think this is one of TWICE’s best-sounding title tracks. Warm modulated synths, a thrumming bass line, distant bells, shimmering synths — the purpose of this song is to be fun and my god is it excellent at it, like… Sana and Chaeyoung are saying knock-knock-knock and beep-beep-beep as if they’re some kind of car. So much fun.
Further along in the verse, Dahyun’s voice sounds so full and smooth with that layered harmony. Tzuyu coming with the Yes or Yes, Push & Pull, and 1 to 10 references — these are 5 years of song references. And Jeongyeon closes the pre-chorus accompanied by a rising synth to drop into chorus one. Jeongyeon slays pre-choruses.
The drums accelerate, the synths start blasting, and Jihyo opens to that party of a chorus with her godly vocals,
Tell me what you want
Tell me what you need
A to Z da malhaebwa
But shijageun ireoke have
Talk that talk ttak han madi
Talk that talk L-O-V-E
deullyeojweo ooh
Now now now now now yeah~
During Sana's Talk that Talk~ lines there’s this gentle ascending synth bell that rings with the descending melody and it sounds absolutely gorgeous. And the choreography during that part of the chorus is so so so so fun: the talking hands bit, spelling L-O-V-E, concluding with the deullyeojweo ooh! Oh my Jihyo the deullyeojweo ooh…
Have I mentioned this song is fun?
Speeding through verse 2; Chaeyoung’s part with the cat ears popping in the music video is adorable; Momo her stretching her arms out looks so damn cool; and Dahyun with her replay part sounds so lovely — although I think it sonically sounds a touch random, it makes sense thematically.
And now for this pre-chorus. Mina and Jihyo leading into it sound great BUT JEONGYEON… Now, she is my ult bias, and this pre-chorus sounds almost identical to the first one, but the way she holds that final note, enunciating and holding that now~ for one more beat before the chorus drops sounds so perfect — the song teeters on a cliff edge. Jeongyeon slays pre-choruses.
Dropping into the second chorus and man, Jihyo powered through that first chorus, but the way Nayeon delivers it just hits different. She has this indescribable “pop” voice (I promise this wasn't on purpose) that stands out and shouts this is THE chorus. I think this is especially apparent in how both lead their choruses where Jihyo starts at 120% power while Nayeon waits until [Tell me] WHAT YOU WANT to full-send it. She also highlights “malhaebwa” in a similar way later in the chorus.
Another deullyeojweo ooh! Nayeon travels to Narnia, and Mina the engineer strikes again in this heavenly, underwater-esque bridge,
The simple words “I love you”
That’s all I wanna hear
Without hesitation, I’ll go up to you
I’ll make it simple
And just tell you I love you
The word “love” is said for the first time in the song. There’s a funky keyboard instrument behind Chaeyoung’s part. Jihyo, Chaeyoung, and Nayeon take the initiative in their lyrics, professing their love before closing the bridge.
And now for the pièce-de-résistance: this final double chorus is exceptional — 40 seconds of crack-laced euphoria; Jihyo switches up the chorus and the choreo, Dahyun chimes in with her fluttery “Talk that Talk”, Momo comes out of nowhere with “oh yeah it sounds so good!” — you’re damn right it does, and this is where the song SOARS.
han beon deo~ haejweo
geurae banggeum geu mal~
Nayeon outright shouts “Tell me what you need” and then Jeongyeon sings the above lines in such an ethereal, warm way where the first line ascends while the second line descends, causing a lull in the song before the finale with Nayeon, finishing off the song with the final deullyeojweo ooh! What a party. What a song.
THE GOOD
- The synths of all time
- The chimes during Talk-that-talk~
- Jeongyeon’s pre-chorus going into Nayeon’s chorus
- The entirety of that magical, final chorus and outro
- The opening hook (Tell me what you want) and accompanying choreography could be “catchier”
- Singing (and dancing) my heart out when this song played at a K-pop club
Lyrics and theme-wise, if this were to have been TWICE’s last comeback, they’ve once again built upon the theme they've been doing since debut: a Bildungsroman, a coming-of-age story.
This song’s chorus is honest yet simple; it asks the listener, in this case, the other half of the relationship, to be more upfront and open with their love (never be scared of love), that before the relationship can continue and flourish there has to be a foundation and commitment of love between each other.
TWICE debuted with a song about making your crush go ooh ahh. Years later, they started pondering “What is love?” and imagining their crush responding with “yes” when asking them out — and now concluding with the phrase “Talk that talk, [talk that] L-O-V-E”, being upfront with the relationship, wishing their partner to also be happy, to commit to them, to feel the love that they want to impart on them. From gawking like ooh-ahh to talking out your shared love like adults — to having a true relationship between (one and) two.
And can I just say before finishing off Talk that Talk's review that this is such a fun and repeatable song with many little intricacies hidden in the nonet’s vocals and the production. This is the third draft I’m writing about Talk that Talk and its original word count pretty much quadrupled.
Harkening back to TWICE’s roots by combining mature thinking with youthful character, an incredible ending to look forward to, and just simply being a club-banger that’s easy to listen to, TTT is an easy 10/10.
WATCH ME GO WATCH ME GO
RULE THE WORLD
Queen of Hearts 👑
Lead producer: LDN Noise of SM
If there was one B-side to promote in a live clip, this was a solid choice.
Helmed by LDN Noise going headlong into the Western boy-group rock-band aesthetic, Queen of Hearts is a boom-boom-clap song through and through. The drums are very prominent throughout the song, only giving room to riffs of electric guitar in the chorus to drive and continue the momentum of the music.
And speaking of the chorus, vocal line each got a chorus to flex and they did not fuck around,
You ain’t ready for it
Watch me go~ watch me go~
Rule the world
Know you never doubted baby
I’mma go run the whole universe~
Cymbals crashing, drums booming, and 3MIX belting all just so sound so good.
Baby I was born to rule~~
Yeah I’m the queen, I’m the queen
And it’s all because of you~~
That I’m the Queen of Hearts
These long, held-out notes performed by Jihyo and Nayeon are simply exquisite. Along with the shredding guitar, the drum set coming in full, and the interludes by Dahyun, Momo, and Chaeyoung, this is the part of the song that always, always, gives me goosebumps — it sounds so visceral, so energetic, so fun, so triumphant. Boom-boom-clap songs can be hit or miss with people, but there's no denying the payoff from the first part of the chorus to the second part is worth the wait.
The theme of the song so far has been kind of spread around the song. The chorus alludes to it with the line "And it’s all because of you." But Mina shows more sides of it in the second verse, especially with the phrase,
And now that I’m surrounded by all my girls
We be shining bright like diamonds and pearls
It sounds really lovely — in a very cheesy and affectionate kind of way, as it rightfully should — the song is about the girls and their fans. But the bridge is where the song indeed shows its colours
Screaming out my name
See it in the stage lights
Feel so lucky just to have ya
Cause I know deep down I was meant for something bigger! Greater!
I know you’re seeing what I see
Yeah I’ll be everything you need
I know I’m gonna walk the walk
And talk the talk to be~ [the Queen of Hearts]
This is a song CONCEIVED TO BE PERFORMED FOR THE FANS. It’s meant to be loud. It’s meant to be unapologetic. It’s meant to be sappy. And it’s all the more wonderful for it.
This is the TWICEiest shit ever.
Like Talk that Talk, Queen of Hearts also has a killer closer. The production already started to grow from the bridge, but now the guitarist finally went Super Saiyan and instead of supporting the drums, they both take the centrepiece in tandem.
Then finally, the closing moments of the song even manage to squeeze in some more sappiness.
So thank you for the memories
You’re all the ones who made me~
So thank you for the memories
That I’m the Queen of Hearts
I still can’t believe that this banger is a FAN SONG out of all things. Truly, the TWICEiest shit ever.
THE GOOD
- Adorable fucking lyrics
- Unrelenting, roaring chorus
- English and vocal flex
- Addicting guitar riffs
- Chaeyoung rapping in English in their Korean songs somehow slaps harder than her English rapping in their English songs, nonetheless, in QoH, it fits with the sound of the song
- Walking home from a K-pop festival with this song playing, felt like a Queen of Hearts
I love these types of rock songs with how grunge and head-bang-able they are, there is just a certain nostalgic and cheesy quality to them that feels so cozy. I don’t love putting them on repeat, because in this case, I do believe there is such a thing as too much of a good thing. Perhaps more shredding, maybe a guitar solo to rock out to, or an accompaniment(!) of ad-libs from 3MIX to support Jihyo’s final chorus? A ONCE can dream of a truly bombastic rock song from TWICE. But then again that distracts from the core of what this song is: a fan song disguised as a rock song.
Queen of Hearts has so much sweetness in its lyrics and message that it's overflowing. The drums, guitar, and vocals can be as loud and intricate as they can, but the theme of this song is what makes it special from TWICE’s other rock songs — it’s a 9/10 for me.
I WANNA WANNA WANNA
TAKE YOU TO THE BASICS
Basics 🌈
Sole lyricist credit: Chaeyoung
Quite possibly the jammiest (pun intended) song of the album.
A song written by the Strawberry Princess herself — an event similar in frequency to other artists' releases with her last song being 2020’s silky Handle It — Basics first starts with an understated and dreamy delivery. After the first stanza, however, a bouncy Miami bass line emerges, revealing the true nature of the song: this is a classic summer bop! Especially in the first rap,
dareun aedeulgwaneun dalla
Ain’t beggin’ for love
nappeun geon anijana ige naraseo
eodiro twilji molla
Like rainbow bubble gum
geureoni nal kkwak butjabadweo
Syllables are pronounced in a relaxed nature, bars often starting with an "ah" sound, flirty lines in English — this rap features a production full of pop with R&B flourishes and, in my opinion, this is Chaeyoung’s bag. Also, the line "rainbow bubblegum" is so adorable and so Chaeyoung.
I wanna wanna wanna take it to the basics
da weonhae weonhae weonhae? seodureuji ma Baby
ppeonhae ppeonhae malhae mweohae da al tende
Ah yeah ah yeah ah yeah ah yeah
That chorus is pure pop with a Miami bass backing; you better be bopping your head to the melody, if not booty poppin' to the bassline. Chaeyoung loves rhyming in the first half of the chorus to enhance its catchiness and it's damn incredible: the “wanna”, “weonhae”, and “ppeonhae” all create these imperfect rhymes that continue momentum without feeling repetitive.
After the very Boy With Luv-sounding “ah yeah ah yeah, ah yeah ah yeah” comes an 8-bar split half and half between Chaeyoung and Momo. Coming from the chorus, the production completely cuts out for the first 2 bars. This adds tension; the song yearns to have that bass beat thumping again and all we have in the audio space in those 2 bars is Chaeyoung spittin' and she delivered.
taneun deut tteugeoun samak wie
yeppeuge pieonan jangmi gata
joshimseure naege dagaol ttae
nado moreuge jjilleobeoril tende
Translating to:
Above the hot, burning desert
It’s like a rose that bloomed beautifully
When you come to me slowly
I will prick you unconsciously
The rap feels slick, effortless, and confident. Her diction remains sharp when enunciating each syllable but she doesn’t let the flow of her rap waver or build as her 4 bars go by, it’s just smooth consistency throughout. Even the lyrics possess an aura of laid-back collectedness that is just so her. The things Chaeyoung can do when given her pen.
THE GOOD
- That sweet summer vibe of a chorus
- The “spaceship” post-chorus is killer
- Chaeyoung devoured this song
- Sure-footed, confident lyrics
- Perhaps an alteration of that ah yeah ah yeah line
- The way Jihyo did her pre-chorus line is good, but Mina’s is great
- After donating my hair, walking down the rainbow-coloured areas of downtown Toronto with this song playing was very… fitting
This song is summer bliss distilled into 2:56. It’s dreamy, the raps are satisfying, and the ending is charming. I will say that although the second half of the song adds the stunning “spaceship” post-choruses and a floaty bridge with an incredible drumbeat drop into the final chorus, the raps of the song make it feel a bit front-loaded. And in an album stacked with awesome finishers, it feels more apparent.
With that said, it’s an 8/10 bop for me. This song is so easy to put on and it feels exactly what Chaeyoung would make if given the reins to produce a pop song all on her own. The lyrics are nonchalant but full of conviction, the wordplay is intricate, and the production playful but not too bombastic — it's just a nice vibe. Songs like Basics are the standard for good, simple, repeatable pop music and I’m happy that Chaeyoung got to test her pen in this genre.
BABY WE’RE IN
TROUBLE TROUBLE
Trouble 💃
Sole lyricist credit: JihyoBackground vocals: Jihyo
Lead composer credit: Jihyo
Vocal director credit: Jihyo (an assumption given her contributions in First Time)
One of the most enjoyable songs I’ve heard in a while.
There is an underlying tension within the first 4 bars of the song, Jihyo and Nayeon confidently open it to a nondescript array of synths and then the stanza ends, Momo announces “Let’s go”, the beat drops and it hits you: this is a club song.
Dahyun's relaxed delivery contrasted with Jeongyeon's staccato flow, the wobbly synth beat with sprinkle of house piano, Sana dramatically slowing down the song only for Tzuyu to build it back up until the chorus drops,
- Nayeon opens it using a breathy tone, with vocal chops serving as harmonies
- The blooming of the house piano takes centre stage and the song ascends into euphoria
- A random drum roll capped off by a cymbal crash
- Jeongyeon’s pronunciation of the word “trouble” almost being a growl
- Chaeyoung slyly admitting “I like this trouble”
- The entirety of Tzuyu’s tro~oh~oh~ouble yeah~
- Sana using her deep voice for the na~na~na~na
- Jihyo leading the vocals during the synchronized T W I C E chant
This chorus is perfect. Toronto’s residential market needs this song injected into its veins because god damn this song has SO much house in it. And then, ANOTHER KILLING PART: this rap fucking slaps.
gamchweo bwatja geugeon Fake
ppajin hamjeongeun Sweet cake
During the first 2 bars, Chaeyoung is keeping it calm because that trip of a chorus just ended and the song needs a breather, but I don't think anyone expected her to SNAP this hard afterwards:
You cannot resist this
Cannot miss this, such a bliss
Ima put it down down
Oh yeah, better kiss kiss
Below is the structure of her this portion of the rap, I’m not that well versed in this technical aspect of music theory but I digress, this is all in the span of around 5 seconds where it’s:
Triplet-triplet
Quadruplet-triplet
Quadruplet-doublet
Doublet-quadruplet
Now, 25/5 = 5 syllables per second isn’t groundbreaking, but goddamn it these 2 bars sound so nice — if there is one part in this album that I always repeat, it’s this. The addition of that first quadruplet for “cannot miss this” in the midst of the triplets sticks out and accelerates the flow of the rap while the following doublets and quadruplets destabilize and slow the rap down as the verse closes. And can I just point out:
THE MAIN VOCALIST WROTE, DIRECTED, AND COMPOSED THIS SONG ‼
Chaeyoung of course delivered the fuck out of her verse but THIS is what you get when you have a member not only write the words they’re saying but also the melody and flow with which they sing it, when that member knows the others so well that when they write a song they know how to make the group exceed. This is what you get when the artists you stan love doing artist shit.
And. AND. That's not all — with how much I mentioned I love a good outro to close a song, this outro slaps as well:
Woo wee woo wee woo
I like this trouble be-be
Woo wee woo wee woo
I like this trouble bay-be
Woo wee woo wee woo
I like this trouble bay-beh
Woo wee woo wee woo
I like this trou-ble
Like, come on, Nayeon’s imitating a police siren for crying out loud. And this is all after her ad-libs in the final post-chorus; after the pianist going full tilt and playing that piano as if it was their last chance to ever play; after that final T W I C E chant by all the members come these blissful 20 seconds at the very end. What a song.
THE GOOD
- The theme of relishing in an uncontrolled love
- Sana and Mina’s melody in the pre-chorus
- Chorus
- Rap
- Outro
- Wees and woos
- Mina’s line of “falling down, falling down, falling down low” in verse 2 feels a bit too abrupt of a change
- While writing Trouble's review I had this song on repeat for my whole subway commute and I must've been so distracting, just head-bopping and being so invested in enjoying a song
Need I say more, easy 9/10. The only reason I place Talk that Talk above Trouble is because of what that song represents but besides that, this is one of the best “international” sounds they’ve put out. Actually, I haven’t listened to Eyes wide open in a while but this song is up there with one of the most sonically pleasing pieces of work they’ve done.
Clubbing TWICE has always been a thing since TT was birthed in 2016, and has been a staple of their discography since 2019’s Fancy You and Feel Special mini albums, but Trouble unapologetically dives into and fits the house genre so well you’d think that this is TWICE’s bread and butter sound.
Trouble is Jihyo’s magnum opus. What a song.
BRAVE BRAVE BRAVE
FOR YOU
Brave 💖
Main producer: Slow Rabbit of HYBE
I first thought this was just a good song, then I read the lyrics.
Gentle guitar plucks, shimmering synths, a distant keyboard in the right ear, in the left a glockenspiel, the melodic oohs from the members — this song is PRETTY.
The night that was unusually dark
Above this terrifying world, felt so lonely
The world has grown in the time of wandering
So hard to breathe
Mina and Chaeyoung open the song with how they feel lonely and that it's hard to breathe and now suddenly the song feels bittersweet — I was not expecting the song to be this emotional. Brave describes a situation where the singer is in a darker place in life and it isn't until another person gives them hope by calling them 'brave' that they find the drive to keep going.
Once the chorus hits, the melodies pick up, more guitars get added — there’s even an electric guitar hidden in the mix somewhere, and the song drops the emotional front to reveal a mid-tempo pop song to dance to while crying in the club. The song as a whole still carries this melancholy feeling, but now with the added support of this chorus acting as a light amongst the gloom.
Continuing on in the second verse there's this gorgeous, well-placed break in the song that just lets it settle after that chorus. Only a seasoned producer would risk this much empty space in a song and Slow Rabbit went to fill those shoes.
Back to the chorus, I'll take this moment to once again commend Slow Rabbit with the mixing of the song, because 4MIX undoubtedly sounds good in the chorus, and the interludes from Dahyun, Chaeyoung, and Mina also sound really good, but the clear highlight of the choruses are these lines:
Oh na na na neon nal naige hae [Momo, then Tzuyu, then Momo]
On and on and on
Brave brave brave for ya [Dahyun, then Chaeyoung, then Mina]
Oh na na na neon nal sum shwige hae [Sana, then Momo, then Sana]
On and on and on oh trust me babe
Momo, Sana, and Tzuyu form this beautiful, surprisingly catchy, second half of the chorus accompanied by a guitar drop. It should not turn out this well with how conflicting the "na"s are with the guitar melody but it creates this gentle bopping ebb and flow that feels so lush and mellow.
Diving into the bridge reveals that the listener of the song is revealed not only capable of supporting the singer through direct words but also through their thoughts and dreams. As can be discerned, this can be a song interpreted to be about ONCEs, about how they push TWICE to be their best selves despite the breathless hardships they face. It's a very sweet and touching song.
THE GOOD
- Special lyrics
- Pleasant sound to vibe out to
- That gentle break after the first chorus
- Jihyo’s high note at the end
- A Nayeon Jeongyeon joint high note ⁉️
- Just pretty vocals throughout
- Potentially hard to comprehend without translating the Korean lyrics
- Form of Therapy’s life motto revolves around the word “brave”. I don’t know where I got that from, but I remembered it right before watching his album reaction
I’m actually spoiled with the TWICE members’ easy-to-understand songwriting that when a song like this pops up where it's not written by a member and the thematic bits are mostly in Korean, I tend to put it aside in favour of the other songs on the album. And, especially for a song focusing on a theme like this where the English phrases don’t do the Korean lyrics enough justice, it does place a bit of a barrier on the listening experience, dropping it down to a 7/10 from an 8/10.
With that anecdote out of the way, this song is just such a vibe, man. I know that sounds super hippy to say but Brave is so mellow and smooth that I can’t help but sway a little when that chorus hits. And then I remember what the lyrics say and I tear up a bit on the inside. This song is so pure, raw, and full of heart — we need more songs like these where they just reminisce about life while putting up an upbeat front. Don't mind me just crying while dancing the night away.
With that said, this isn't the first time this theme has been sung by TWICE either, they've long trodden this path of supportive, confiding, up-lifting songs with Young & Wild, Rainbow, Queen, Go Hard, Depend on You, even this album's Queen of Hearts, and, of course, Feel Special. Brave just adds another on top of an already stacked lineup, unique with its mellow somberness.
Also now feels like a good time to get into my rating system:
- 7/10s are songs are ones that are simply good throughout or great songs with apparent flaws
- 8/10s are great songs with standout characteristics
- 9/10s are borderline perfect songs where I sometimes can't comprehend how great they are
- And 10/10s are the best of an artist's discography, songs that encapsulate their ethos perfectly or expand upon them in a meaningful way
I SEE THE LIES
ON THE TIP OF YOUR TONGUE
Gone 💨
Sole lyricist credit: Dahyun
Who the fuck pissed off Dubu this time??
It’s getting quite rare to see TWICE pull off brand new sounds because, with now 190 original songs under their belt, they’ve done so many genres and sub-genres varying from hyper pop, to bossa nova, to whatever 2020’s Go Hard is. So it’s surprising to see they’ve still got tricks up their sleeves and Gone is one of them.
The song starts with strings swinging back and forth and vocal chops dancing from ear to ear, teasing what’s yet to come. Jihyo enters the song with a whisper and the song sets its pace. A stagnant drum pad moves the song along and typical song progression would have Mina continue the build but — it doesn’t. The song simmers, adding a hint of high hat to the pot. And then, Sana and Tzuyu come on and surely the buildup must boil over right?
Silence, until…
I see the LIES on the top of your tongue
The strings emerge again on full blast, the simmer rolls to a boil, and the anger of the song is revealed,
All the fate I had towards you
Fades like a fog, gone, gone
Your flipping mind of doing this and that
I’m tired of it, it’s meaningless
In the beginning, it was hard to believe
With that, hatred increases
The singer is so scorned and burned from this relationship that they reminisce about all the effort they’ve put in since the beginning, but their “partner” is so unconcerned that they’ve just about had enough of the relationship altogether.
This has been Dahyun’s thing since 2020’s Bring It Back, 2021’s Cruel, 2022’s That’s all I’m saying, and even 2023's Don't Blame It On Me — emotionally charged breakup songs that make you feel as if she’s gone through a dozen bad relationships. Dispatch, do your job better, or don't.
Another highlight of the song is the post-chorus going into the bridge. This segment reiterates the structure from the first post-chorus — a barrage of drums supported by the rhythmic strumming of a bass guitar along with a consistent synth filling out the soundscape. But this time, it’s Dahyun and Chaeyoung on the rap:
I can’t stand it anymore [Dahyun]
My patience, invisible
I can’t find it, it’s all gone
Even if I try to turn back, it’s too late [Chaeyoung]
There’s no use anymore
It has left, it’s long gone
You, with flipping mind, you are out [Momo]
I know that you know what I’m talking about [Dahyun]
Nothing you could say that could turn this around
I’m gone
Continuing the disrespected theme of the song, Dahyun notes that she’s finally had enough with Chaeyoung adding that there’s no point salvaging what was once there for all of it is long gone. Momo and Dahyun round it off by telling the listener that there’s no point trying to reason with them or playing naive, they fucked up and there’s no coming back.
Can I just say, it's a bit of a shame that Chaeyoung’s rapping popped off in this album while Dahyun only has this one verse that she shares with Chaeyoung, but it just sounds so good how Dahyun eases in after the chorus with her light rapping tone transitioning into her singing. She even holds the “gone” in a little crescendo for some added pizzazz.
And, there’s no way I’m not going to talk about Momo’s vocals in this bridge. Damned if she only got 1 line to use it in, her lower register is incredible. She sounds so smooth singing in this tone. All of TWICE do in particular and there is nary a weak vocal performance in this album.
To close the song off, a wash of synths gets to have their shine in the spotlight, showered with Nayeon’s belting, signifying the dramatic and drawn-out conclusion of this partnership.
THE GOOD
- They’ve still got their surprises
- Thundering chorus
- 2nd rap and bridge combo
- A bitter, crumbling relationship theme
- I’m not a huge fan of the mixing during the first post-chorus, where Momo's vocals were fighting with the production, which is disappointing because Momo is capable of an insane flow
- The post-chorus in general, specifically the first one, can be a bit tiring on repeat listens
- Actually, I think this song sounds like a mix between GOT7's Not By The Moon, BLACKPINK’s Love To Hate Me, and Dahyun’s Bring It Back. I don’t know where I got this thought came from, but it stuck
Going back to that point about the first post-chorus as a whole; songs that have the production continue unchanged into the post-chorus/2nd verse are very hit or miss for me — see TWICE's Don't Call Me Again for an overbearing example. The post-chorus going into the bridge contrasts Dahyun’s light tone nicely with the hard-hitting production, continuing the energy until it slowly fades into silence at the end of the bridge.
Back to the song as a whole, as much as TWICE has been experimenting with their sound for the past 4 years now, I’m happy they’re still finding new ways to explore what they’re capable of. And for that alone, even though I’m not a big fan of songs like these where they rely on sounding “big”, Dahyun’s lyricism and the thrill I receive every time I indulge myself in this song when I listen to it for the first time in a while elevates it to an 8/10. Keep on breaking hearts, Dubu.
INVINCIBLE
SUPERHEROES
When We Were Kids 🧸
Sole lyricist credit: Dahyun
Press play to reminisce, pull up lyrics to cry.
This song is so beautiful. I’m totally not writing this song review, crying on the bus reminiscing about my childhood, while just having turned 21. I don’t know if these are happy or sad tears but this song is so beautiful either way.
Warm synths, muted piano, a gentle high hat, the younger members starting off the song — this has to be up there for one of the softest TWICE songs ever. And as it should, it’s one of the TWICEiest songs ever. And then Nayeon comes in,
Invincible superheroes, we wanted to be adults
To the higher, clearer world
The chords start swelling, the high hat keeps pace, and the harmonies come in,
Remember when we were kids
When we were kids, we didn’t know
If we could go back
I will love it even more
Remember when we were kids
Jihyo takes up the second half of the chorus as it drops, trading the strings for an almost R&B synth production — if choir R&B takes off, this song started it. The song relishes in this cacophony of warm sounds until returning to its sparse and peaceful verses.
This time, the hints of piano are louder, little twinkling synths begin to shimmer, the drum buildup comes and Jeongyeon drives the song straight into the chorus. No time for the strings to build like in Nayeon’s — this song loves its chorus so much.
And I'll just take this time to appreciate the amount of Jeongyeon vocals in this album. Her voice is so clean, stable, and projected — but also more tender and soft compared to the more pronounced tones of Nayeon and Jihyo.
The bridge comes in, repeating the phrase:
I wish that I could meet
Could meet the younger me
Giving the song time to rest, before building back up to the last chorus — this time led by Jihyo, completing the 3MIX trifecta. And interestingly enough, Chaeyoung follows up in the second half of the chorus, rather than another member of the vocal line. She really did pop off in this album.
As the last chorus begins to close, the percussion at its strongest, the harmonies on blast, the background vocals cranked up to their Sunday best, is the song going to end? Of course not! This is an album full of banger endings as if the songs don’t want to end, and When We Were Kids being the album closer very much indulges in that feeling.
After a brief refrain, accented by Nayeon’s high note with a touch of vibrato, the song almost dives back into a fourth chorus. Nayeon and Jeongyeon harmonize — a rare and heavenly moment. And the song repeats the bridge, reiterating that they want to meet their younger selves, this time with the lush chorus production before closing with silence, a few piano notes, and Tzuyu singing the last line of the song:
Oh, we were kids
Reflection, acceptance, hope. What a song.
THE GOOD
- Heavenly vocals throughout
- Relatable, heartfelt lyrics
- Euphoric chorus
- Great closer to the album
- Refrain after the last chorus, "Back when we were kids," could’ve been executed better
- For an album titled Between 1&2, I don’t think anything hits harder than finishing the song reviews, with this song in particular, during your 21st birthday
I wrote the first part of this review in November 2022. Then university, life, and other things got in the way of my headspace for me to feel confident about wrapping all of this up. In a way, I felt like I just didn’t want this review to end because of the joy that writing gives me — I didn’t want the happiness to end. And then it hit me, after watching a YouTuber rank animated movies and them placing Spirited Away at the top and explaining 'why' reminded me of just how important growing up is, and by extension this song.
This theme is important for both the rookie TWICE members in 2015 and the teenagers who would follow their journey and grow up with them, facing life’s obstacles along the way. Hardships that used to only involve family, crushes, and social media, evolve into work, commitments and all the struggles that adult life brings. Being a kid and enjoying the simple things in life is one of the most sought-after moments we want to relive because we took growing up for granted. The only thing we can do now is look back on ourselves with fondness and rose-tinted lenses.
TWICE’s original marketing was to resonate with people through their senses and their hearts. That was during their debut, and I think it still holds up today. In my opinion, touching people through their emotions is what TWICE does best and makes them one of K-pop’s all-time greats. It was never about having the best numbers — it was always about being the best idols. And to think that this journey of maturation and growth would occur from 2015 all the way to this song, being a fitting nod to TWICE’s 7th anniversary, I don’t think anyone at the company nor the group would ever imagine that they would get this far. It’s these nine women or none — 9/10.
This song honestly deserves a 10/10 with how much I noticed other people reminiscing their childhoods after I heard this song, it is such a widely-relatable message, but I am determined to limit myself to one 10/10 song per album and if I were to pick between TTT and WWWK, I'd give it to the one's that's more repeatable — Talk that Talk just has this electric energy about it.
Epilogue
And finally here is the end. If you made it in one sitting then I commend you, because I could not write this mess in one sitting. As alluded to, I started writing this album review sometime in October, after a series of edits the first draft was finished in March, and now here's the final draft in June.I love this album. It got me through some important parts of my life, both good and bad, and it's just a wonderful listen throughout. Reliving this album again before finally completing the review has been an exciting journey. Brave hit me harder this time, after being overshadowed by the other gems of this album, and WWWK finally got me to tear up and not just be emotionally satisfied.
I feel like there's something for everyone on this album. From the exhilarating thrills of TTT to the anthemic euphoria of QoH, the clubbing dichotomy of Trouble and Brave to the blissful glee of Basics, and the sweet reminiscence of WWWK to the thundering anger that is Gone. Like Eyes wide open, I liken Between 1&2 to a pop music taste platter — there's such an eclectic mix of pop, music in this album that there's bound to be a song that someone will love, like, and dislike.
Is this album perfect? I don't think so, but it's close — it was certainly my 2022 AOTY. Was this review biased? Absolutely. I've been a fan since 2019 and with the themes in this album, I also feel like it was biased towards me as a ONCE. And how would I rank the album in TWICE's catalogue? It's honestly at the top, at least with EPs — I also felt that way towards Feel Special but then this album was birthed so I'm excited for TWICE's future.
Ready To Be was also a stunning album and Eyes wide open frankly also deserved the spotlight that Formula of Love received so I might hit those next but no promises; this album took long enough to bake.
As for the performances, I've only seen Twitter clips (no fancams to not spoil myself) and I am SO EXCITED to finally see them in July. QoH was as glorious as expected, Brave was a delightful surprise, and WWWK, while not being the concert closer everyone expected it to be, paired up nicely with Crazy Stupid Love. And of course the bombastic addition of the dance break to TTT. But, this is not a concert review, and this is where this album review ends.
Feel free to comment with any thoughts regarding the album, other TWICE albums, and any suggestions for my writing in general. Congrats again on making it this far!
God, I love this album.
2023.04.12 21:15 Ripheus23 Trump as President ["Pitch Meeting" spoof]
[The Pitch Meeting videos are satirical accounts of how various movies were pitched to studio executives.]
Executive: I hear you have a sequel to The Apprentice for us?
Screenwriter: yes, sir, we upped the ante a bit with this one, it's going to be called The President!
E: Oooh, like the president of the company?
S: no, sir, the president of the country. As in the show starts with Trump running for president.
E: oh!
S: yeah, his vice-presidential running mate is going to be about as vanilla as the anal glands of an albino beaver---
E: oooh, beaver anal glands are tight!
S: ---he's going to mock people with disabilities, threaten Mexico, ban Muslim refugees from entering the country. One of his first major public statements when elected will be a threat to attack Chicago.
E: who's he running against?
S: Hillary Clinton and Tim Kaine.
E: who's Tim Kaine?
S: I actually forgot to write almost anything about him at any point in the script, we'll kind of mention him and then never speak of him ever again, even when we bring up Hillary again. A lot.
E: well it sounds like it'll be difficult for Trump to win the election, seeing as America is such a progressive, inclusive country.
S: actually it's going to be super-easy. Barely an inconvenience.
E: oh!
S: yeah, see, Trump won't "collude" with Vladimir Putin, he'll just inauthentically coordinate his entire campaign and administration around helping embolden Putin for his---spoiler alert!---eventual invasion of Ukraine.
E: woah!
S: and so Putin will promote a conspiracy theory about Hillary using children to make human pepperoni for pizzas that she'll eat while hiding some emails.
E: hmm, maybe we could just say that Hillary is eating children in a pizza joint. Like in a basement or something. We'll probably have to give the scandal a name with some pizzazz, like "PizzaGate."
S: we'll see, sir, we'll see. Anyway, we'll wrap up the first season with a cult of Trump worshipers forming based on PizzaGate. We're trying to get Twitter on board as the site where the cult forms, but it'll probably cost a lot of money.
E: 4chan.
S: sir?
E: no, yeah, just have the cult form on 4chan. We can do that for free.
S: oh, I love when stories become even more deranged for free! So, over the course of the next season, Trump will almost start a war with Iran, multiple times. He'll kill an Iranian general, for example. The American people will be so agitated that they'll openly debate the merits of storming Area 51---
E: oh, wow wow, wow wow wow!
S: ---and the military will even be issued a warning about unrest that could be potentially caused by socialist messaging in a movie about the Joker, from the Batman franchise.
E: *looks ever-so-slightly confused*
S: and so season 3 will start by introducing a global pandemic.
E: wow!
S: yeah, the whole world will quarantine together to slow down, to spend more time with family and friends, to form stronger connections online. Rival drug cartels will put aside their differences to make sure people get food and other needed supplies. The reduced traffic will help clear up the sky in some areas, animals will start venturing into cities like a scene out of a Disney princess film---
E: oooh, Disney princesses are tight!
S: ---*I didn't just hear that...* and Trump himself will spearhead an operation to develop a vaccine as soon as possible.
E: so this is the part of the story where Trump finally redeems himself and becomes a hero?
S: ... we're going to have some murder hornets show up. There'll be a huge explosion in Lebanon.
E: oh. What about Trump?
S: ... Trump will send a kind of half-paramilitary, half-official force to Portland, Oregon to kidnap liberal protesters. See, people are going to become more conscious of racial issues and will be supporting concepts like Black Lives Matter, so Trump is going to say that entire cities are being burned down and he needs his mercenaries to restore law and order.
E: sounds like a lot of dictators in other shows we've done! But what about the vaccine?
S: ... and then Trump is going to lose the presidential election during the pandemic. Some more paramilitary groups that support him are then going to work with his team on a plan to massacre Congress on the day of the election certification. Trump's vice-president will be the number one target for execution, we're gonna have the mob setting up a noose for him, in public.
E: oooh, nooses are tight! But it's going to be hard for Trump to bounce back from attempting to overthrow the government on national television, right? I mean, if people see that happening live, onscreen, well...
S: actually, it's going to be super-easy. Barely an inconvenience.
E: oh really!
S: yeah, we're gonna have the cult of Trump worshipers start claiming that the vaccine will turn people into gay frogs with organic Bluetooth connections that turn into a Lovecraftian web of blood clots before myocarditis causes people who took the vaccine to just die suddenly.
E: *blinks slowly* Wait, didn't you say that Trump was the one who spearheaded this vaccine?
S: yeah, he's going to claim that it was one of humankind's greatest achievements, he's going to get vaccinated in public.
E: but the cult is going to say that the vaccine is killing people.
S: yes.
E: the same cult that worships Trump.
S: yes.
E: Who spearheaded the vaccine...
S: listen, sir, I'm going to need you to get all the way off my back about Trump and the vaccine.
E: OK, well! So this is all the first 3 seasons? I mean, do you really think people are going to find it believable that someone like Donald Trump will become president? And all that other stuff... Did you say murder hornets somewhere in there?
S: yes, sir! And season 4 will begin with Russia invading Ukraine. We want the viewers to get some inspirational eye candy, so we're going to have a handsome Jewish comedian as the leader of Ukraine; this way we can also develop the neo-Nazi subplot we've had in the background the whole time. America is going to be the brink of its own, civil, war, then, with neo-Nazis supporting Putin on multiple levels, destroying monuments like the Georgia Guidestones and attacking power grids.
E: wow! Wow wow wow! Well...! But yeah, it's gonna be hard to have Trump do anything worse than all of that, I imagine. Hopefully the audience pays attention to everything and doesn't make up excuses for Trump the whole time just because he's the main character!
[final shot: a news headline about Trump bringing nuclear secrets to his private residence, after he left office.]
submitted by Ripheus23 to Qult_Headquarters [link] [comments]
Executive: I hear you have a sequel to The Apprentice for us?
Screenwriter: yes, sir, we upped the ante a bit with this one, it's going to be called The President!
E: Oooh, like the president of the company?
S: no, sir, the president of the country. As in the show starts with Trump running for president.
E: oh!
S: yeah, his vice-presidential running mate is going to be about as vanilla as the anal glands of an albino beaver---
E: oooh, beaver anal glands are tight!
S: ---he's going to mock people with disabilities, threaten Mexico, ban Muslim refugees from entering the country. One of his first major public statements when elected will be a threat to attack Chicago.
E: who's he running against?
S: Hillary Clinton and Tim Kaine.
E: who's Tim Kaine?
S: I actually forgot to write almost anything about him at any point in the script, we'll kind of mention him and then never speak of him ever again, even when we bring up Hillary again. A lot.
E: well it sounds like it'll be difficult for Trump to win the election, seeing as America is such a progressive, inclusive country.
S: actually it's going to be super-easy. Barely an inconvenience.
E: oh!
S: yeah, see, Trump won't "collude" with Vladimir Putin, he'll just inauthentically coordinate his entire campaign and administration around helping embolden Putin for his---spoiler alert!---eventual invasion of Ukraine.
E: woah!
S: and so Putin will promote a conspiracy theory about Hillary using children to make human pepperoni for pizzas that she'll eat while hiding some emails.
E: hmm, maybe we could just say that Hillary is eating children in a pizza joint. Like in a basement or something. We'll probably have to give the scandal a name with some pizzazz, like "PizzaGate."
S: we'll see, sir, we'll see. Anyway, we'll wrap up the first season with a cult of Trump worshipers forming based on PizzaGate. We're trying to get Twitter on board as the site where the cult forms, but it'll probably cost a lot of money.
E: 4chan.
S: sir?
E: no, yeah, just have the cult form on 4chan. We can do that for free.
S: oh, I love when stories become even more deranged for free! So, over the course of the next season, Trump will almost start a war with Iran, multiple times. He'll kill an Iranian general, for example. The American people will be so agitated that they'll openly debate the merits of storming Area 51---
E: oh, wow wow, wow wow wow!
S: ---and the military will even be issued a warning about unrest that could be potentially caused by socialist messaging in a movie about the Joker, from the Batman franchise.
E: *looks ever-so-slightly confused*
S: and so season 3 will start by introducing a global pandemic.
E: wow!
S: yeah, the whole world will quarantine together to slow down, to spend more time with family and friends, to form stronger connections online. Rival drug cartels will put aside their differences to make sure people get food and other needed supplies. The reduced traffic will help clear up the sky in some areas, animals will start venturing into cities like a scene out of a Disney princess film---
E: oooh, Disney princesses are tight!
S: ---*I didn't just hear that...* and Trump himself will spearhead an operation to develop a vaccine as soon as possible.
E: so this is the part of the story where Trump finally redeems himself and becomes a hero?
S: ... we're going to have some murder hornets show up. There'll be a huge explosion in Lebanon.
E: oh. What about Trump?
S: ... Trump will send a kind of half-paramilitary, half-official force to Portland, Oregon to kidnap liberal protesters. See, people are going to become more conscious of racial issues and will be supporting concepts like Black Lives Matter, so Trump is going to say that entire cities are being burned down and he needs his mercenaries to restore law and order.
E: sounds like a lot of dictators in other shows we've done! But what about the vaccine?
S: ... and then Trump is going to lose the presidential election during the pandemic. Some more paramilitary groups that support him are then going to work with his team on a plan to massacre Congress on the day of the election certification. Trump's vice-president will be the number one target for execution, we're gonna have the mob setting up a noose for him, in public.
E: oooh, nooses are tight! But it's going to be hard for Trump to bounce back from attempting to overthrow the government on national television, right? I mean, if people see that happening live, onscreen, well...
S: actually, it's going to be super-easy. Barely an inconvenience.
E: oh really!
S: yeah, we're gonna have the cult of Trump worshipers start claiming that the vaccine will turn people into gay frogs with organic Bluetooth connections that turn into a Lovecraftian web of blood clots before myocarditis causes people who took the vaccine to just die suddenly.
E: *blinks slowly* Wait, didn't you say that Trump was the one who spearheaded this vaccine?
S: yeah, he's going to claim that it was one of humankind's greatest achievements, he's going to get vaccinated in public.
E: but the cult is going to say that the vaccine is killing people.
S: yes.
E: the same cult that worships Trump.
S: yes.
E: Who spearheaded the vaccine...
S: listen, sir, I'm going to need you to get all the way off my back about Trump and the vaccine.
E: OK, well! So this is all the first 3 seasons? I mean, do you really think people are going to find it believable that someone like Donald Trump will become president? And all that other stuff... Did you say murder hornets somewhere in there?
S: yes, sir! And season 4 will begin with Russia invading Ukraine. We want the viewers to get some inspirational eye candy, so we're going to have a handsome Jewish comedian as the leader of Ukraine; this way we can also develop the neo-Nazi subplot we've had in the background the whole time. America is going to be the brink of its own, civil, war, then, with neo-Nazis supporting Putin on multiple levels, destroying monuments like the Georgia Guidestones and attacking power grids.
E: wow! Wow wow wow! Well...! But yeah, it's gonna be hard to have Trump do anything worse than all of that, I imagine. Hopefully the audience pays attention to everything and doesn't make up excuses for Trump the whole time just because he's the main character!
[final shot: a news headline about Trump bringing nuclear secrets to his private residence, after he left office.]