There have been an increasing number of juniors visiting this sub asking for advice about writing essays. Below are some tips and advice for making your essay stand out as excellent. Feel free to ask questions because I will answer every single question in the comments.
I know from experience that many of you are struggling to identify a good topic for your essay. Conventional wisdom says to start by brainstorming a list of potential topics, and chances are, you have already started a mental list of ideas. You might think you only have a few choices for topics, based on your activities or experiences, or essay examples you read, or the rough draft you already started (or worse, that GPT started...). I advise, however, that you put down your list of topics and back away from it. Forget that exists for a moment. Seriously - thinking about this initial list tethers you to certain ideas that might not actually be your best options.
Now you can begin brainstorming with a clean slate.
Start with thinking about what you want to show in your entire application, not just one essay. Every single component in your app has one purpose – to tell more about YOU. Filling out the rest of the application by rote and focusing solely on the essay is short-sighted and will leave so much potential untapped in your application.

It's About You. Tell Your Story - And Be The Protagonist

An admissions officer’s goal is to understand you fully, in the context of your background and the rest of the applicant pool. They will begin this with assessing your academic abilities and potential. Then they will evaluate how you will fit into the student body they’re trying to curate. All of this can be somewhat broad and diverse and touch on several institutional goals. But they will dig deep to find out what each applicant is like, what your core values and motivations are, what kind of student you will be, how you will contribute to the vibrant and intellectual campus community they’re building, etc.
Your goal with essay brainstorming is to ascertain how to powerfully tell your story in a manner that will fit these criteria. The entirety of your application (again, not just one essay) aims to showcase your abilities, qualifications, and uncommon attributes as a person in a positive way. Before you begin outlining or writing your application, you must determine what is unique about you that will stand out to an admissions panel. All students are truly unique. Not one other student has the same combination of life experiences, personality, passions, or goals as you do. Your job in your application is to frame your unique personal attributes in a positive and compelling way. How will you fit on campus? What personal qualities, strengths, core values, talents, or different perspectives do you bring to the table? What stories, deeper motivations/beliefs, or formative experiences can you use to illustrate all of this?
It is always helpful to start with some soul-searching or self-examination. You might not immediately know what you want to share about yourself. It’s not a simple task to decide how to summarize your whole life and being in a powerful and eloquent way on your application. Introspection prior to starting your application takes additional time and effort rather than jumping straight into your first draft. But it is also a valuable method to start writing a winning application that stands out from the stack.
You'll see the advice everywhere that all essay prompts are really about the same thing - you. The goal of each essay then is to showcase who you are, what matters to you, and how you think. I guarantee if you're on this sub enough, you'll hear the advice to "show, don't tell" when writing about yourself. But what does this mean really, and how do you do it well? How do you even get started on an essay that does this?

Introspection Questions

It’s often easiest to start thinking in terms of superlatives, especially those related to personal insights -- what are the most meaningful things about you, and what do you value the most? Here is a list of questions to help you brainstorm broadly before you narrow down your focus for writing:

• What are your interests?
  
• What sparks your curiosity?
  
• About what topics do you enjoy reading?
  
• With whom do you enjoy spending time? Who has impacted your life the most?
  
• Reflect upon “superlatives” in your life. What moments were most memorable, formative, enlightening, enjoyable, or valuable? What physical possessions, experiences, dreams, or lessons could make your superlatives list?
  
• Stop and think about what things, people, or circumstances in your life are really unique, fascinating, or outlandish. Are there any that really have a lot of "cultural flavor" (whatever your culture is)?
  

I have a free introspection worksheet with over 100 questions like this designed to help you find ideas worth exploring in your essays. You can find it on the A2C Discord or download it directly here.

Find Your Story And Arc

Think of a small anecdote or story from your life that you could share that serves as a microcosm of who you are and what is important to you. It will massively help you narrow this down and find a gem of a story if you first start by thinking about your application arc or theme. This is the one-phrase summary of your entire application. It could be "brilliant entrepreneur who started her own successful business" or "talented athlete who wants to study economics and finance as they pertain to sports", or even "avid baker whose hobby sparked an interest in chemistry". It doesn't have to be related to your intended major, but it can help your arc be stronger and clearer if it is.
Once you have an arc determined and a story to share, think about what you want that story to say about you. This is where it can help to think of this as something you would share on a date - what impression does it make about you to the reader? Once you know this, start showing, not telling this attribute of yourself through your story. For example, instead of saying that you're compassionate toward others, you show an example of a time you were compassionate, then elaborate on why, and what it means to you.

Essay Brainstorming Techniques

If you are having trouble finding a story, or simply have writer’s block once you have picked your topic, here are some ideas to get your juices flowing:

• Stream of consciousness writing -- Start writing whatever is in your head, and don’t stop for 30 minutes. You probably won’t use what you just wrote for your essay, but it will help you find a starting point.
  
• Journaling -- Answer the prompt as if you were writing in a journal. This will get you in the habit of writing about yourself and establish comfort with the concept. It will also take you to a new level of introspection and self-awareness.
  
• Twitter X style -- Write several rapid-fire responses to the prompt in 280 characters or less. Choose an idea from these responses to expound upon in your essay.
  
• Read each essay prompt, then go through your introspection worksheet responses and connect the stories and insights to one or more of the prompts. Some students like using color coding to visually see how their different ideas might work together.
  

Why Essays Matter

Here's the thing a lot of people don't realize about college admission: it's not an award for being the smartest, most accomplished, or most impressive. It's an invitation to join a community. Far too many students think that if they can just show that they're smart enough, they'll get in. Yale even says right on their admissions website that 75% of their applicants are academically qualified to succeed at Yale. But only ~4% are getting in. That should tell you that they're looking for more than just top tier test scores and grades. To be perfectly clear, you will need top tier grades and (optionally) test scores to show that you're qualified, and the vast majority of my students come to me with this part already in the bank. But what sets the admits apart? It's personal insight - sharing who you are, how you think, what matters to you, and how you engage community. You can't just say "/IAmVerySmart, please admit me," or even "I did a cool thing guys! Isn't that neat!" You need to go deeper and show them your core values, personal strengths, motivations, aspirations, character traits, foundational beliefs, personality, etc. And you need to do it in a charming, winsome way that makes them like you and want to invite you to join their community.
So how do I get students to do this? All of my students complete that introspection worksheet. We go through it and find the stories, examples, anecdotes, conversations, memories, relationships, and other things from their life that will help us craft a strong and personally insightful narrative. We also make lists of the values, strengths, and key personal qualities we want to showcase. Once we have some topics, outlines, abstracts, or rough drafts, we talk about which stories to tell where, how to tell them well, and what details to include to present the best they have to offer. Then we refine, edit, polish, and enhance over and over until the story sings, but more importantly shows their heart and soul. We also go through all the other application components to ensure consistency, quality, and distinctiveness.
Here's why this works so well: at most highly selective colleges there is a primary reader (or 2-3) who will review everything first and then present it to the admissions committee, who then votes on whether to admit you. That presentation typically goes one of three ways:

1. Total enthusiasm, energy, and excitement. They strongly advocate for admission and paint a clear picture of how you will contribute to their goals and community. Everyone in the room picks up on that energy and is leaning forward in their chairs, looking for reasons to admit you. This is quite rare, generally less than 5 out of every 100 applications, even among those which are "fully qualified." When you do this right, you show depth, meaning, and valuable personal insights so the reviewer is learning about who you are and how you might engage the community they're curating. You come alive off the page as a person, not just another file.
   
2. Business as usual. You're another great applicant in a pile of great applicants. They share a basic review of the facts, your profile, stats, strengths, weaknesses, etc. Maybe someone on the committee finds something they love, and they really push for admission. More likely, not and you get deferred/waitlisted even though there wasn't anything "wrong" with your application. They just didn't love you enough to commit.
   
3. "Here's a stack of 20 applications that I didn't find all that compelling, so we won't present them individually, but you guys are the committee and you make the decisions. So let me know if there are any you want to talk about." In this case, unless there's a letter of endorsement from an athletics coach or your last name matches several buildings on campus, you're probably not getting additional consideration, much less admission. They will regret to inform you.
   

Everything we're doing is designed to help them get to know themselves, present the best they have to offer, and land in that first group. Having top tier essays is the single best way to get there. Get started on brainstorming in the next few weeks so you'll have time to get a few essays completed over the summer.

Travel
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Today in Scottish History
14 May 1660:Charles II is proclaimed King of England, Scotland and Ireland while still in Holland.
/GlasgowMarket Digest
Little Big
Looking for Superheaven ticket 18/5
Looking for tickets for Myles Smith at the Garage 10/05
Table Top Sale 18/05/24
Glasgow Coffee Festival Tickets
Kacey Musgraves - O2 Thursday May 9
Tune of the day
Radiohead - Creep (suggested by Superbuddhapunk)
Only one eligible link submitted today. Suggest tomorrow's tune.

Hey everyone, I’m Eoin and I create small SaaS startups. Today I’m launching FomoPricing!
It is a pricing table generator but you can create tiered early-bird discounts to increase your sales at launch.
The idea is to create multiple tiered discounts e.g. $50 off for the first 10 customers, $20 off for the next 100. This creates a sense of FOMO and scarcity around your product and in turn can help create momentum and increase your sales.
You can check it out at FomoPricing.com. Let me know what you guys think!

So my players are higher level and have been traveling all over the Sword Coast and when they got to Goldenfields I ran it more or less as it was in the book, but Strog Thunderblade is a problem. His incompetence got a lot of soldiers killed, and my table is entirely made of combat arms soldiers, mostly who worked in dismounted recon, so they really look at him as a real piece of shit getting all those dudes killed on guard by not listening to the recon element. He also got crops trampled and animals killed which makes the druid pretty mad.
Anyway, they get the 6 sidequests from the 6 NPCs and the first one they do is escorting the Zhent rogue, Shalvus Martholio, to Wormford. They have already killed the Wormford bat and have bad blood with the Zhents so I thought they may kill Shalvus so I tried to make it a bit of a moral dilemma. They find out he is a Zhent and decide to manipulate him pretending they are tight with Zhents to get him talking. He reveals 'Yea I am spying on Goldenfields for the network but in my report I am going to explain that the Emerald Enclave and Goldenfields are great to the Realm, they feed everyone and steward the land and animals wonderfully. My only issue is their pesky alliance with the Lord's Alliance. They feed Waterdeep, who then feel a "duty" to provide aid, like that piece of shit Thunderblade, whose incompetence nearly lost loads of food, and got a bunch of people and animals killed. I am too low rank to have taken him out on my own accord, but I plan to recommend we do take a hit on him.'
Surprisingly, my players all agreed with him. They heard his Zhent sales pitch which was basically "The Lord's alliance are all a result of nepotism, the harpers are naeive and insufferable, but the zhents can actually control crime by turning it into a regulated guild rather than pretending you can stamp it out, we would be better defenders of Goldenfields and alley to them than the Lords' Alliance'
So now how do we make Strom Thunderblade an interesting element narratively? I have one of two ideas.
The first one is he is in fact an incompetent officer from the Lord's Alliance, he is there from nepotism, he is up his own ass, his station as a military officer was bought not earned, but because of his powerful connections harm cannot be allowed to come to him. Though people in Waterdeep were tired of how useless he was and shipped him off to Goldenfields for a 1 year "broadening assignment," working as a watch commander on a section of the wall and that turned out giving him just enough power to get good men killed. The Emerald Enclave are furious with him but can't do much due to politics, the Lords' Alliance know he is an ass, but his family is too valuable to him and will predict he now has a target on his back and send some muscle out to protect him, and to advise him as they actually do have experience leading at least small units.
The second option is he is not incompetent, but a saboteure. He works for a nefarious organization such as the Kraken Society, or the Iron Throne, or both, and they use his noble status to get him in places to overhear important meetings mostly, but this time they asked him to fuck up the defences of Goldenfields to destabilize the region and shift the balance of power to make the crops in Yartar more valuable, as they have vested interests there, and believe they can control that market much safer than Goldenfields who has super fortified walls, emerald enclave everywhere, and an established relationship with the Lords' Alliance of Waterdeep.
Any thoughts on what I should do? Has anyone else punched this part of the story up?

Welcome to a new feature at OhNoConsequences that I just made up, where we revisit the very consequences-heavy stories from the past.

The readers of Ask A Manager were inflamed in 2017, when a young woman complained that she couldn't get a job. All because someone she "probably" bullied threatened to quit if the bully were hired. Did she learn anything from this?
I didn't get a job because I was a bully in high school
Originally posted April 25, 2017
I’ve been trying to break into a niche industry (30-40 jobs in a city with a population of 3 million) for a while now. I’m in my late 20s, and though it took me some time to decide what I wanted to do with my life, I have finished my degree and completed two internships. I’m working part-time in a related field and freelancing while searching for a full-time job in the niche industry. I’m willing to move for the right job, but I’d rather stay close to home — so I was stoked last summer when I got an interview for one of the very few entry-level jobs available in my city! I ultimately didn’t get it, but the interview went well enough they encouraged me to apply the next time they had an opening.
Then an acquaintance who works at the company called me up and asked if I wanted to get coffee. I figured she’d offer me tips on how to do better next time. Instead, she told me to give up on ever being hired there — turns out, a girl I had gone to high school with is a real rock star at this company, and she threatened to resign when it looked like I was about to be offered a job. (I hadn’t realized it was her because her married name is different.) I’ll be honest — I wasn’t a very nice person back then, and I probably was pretty awful to this girl. I looked my former classmate up, and her resume really is incredible. She graduated from college early and has awards people who’ve worked in our industry twice as long haven’t won. Her public-facing work is top-notch. I’m guessing she’s the kind of employee a manager wants to keep around.
My acquaintance’s prediction appears to be true: I didn’t get an interview for a new position at the company that would’ve been an even better fit than the one I’d interviewed for. When I asked why, I was told a staffer had raised some concerns and the company would not be moving forward with my candidacy. I’m heartbroken. I worked so hard for so long to get the training required for this type of work, and I don’t think I deserve to be blacklisted for something I said when I was 17. I have my former classmate’s work email. Should I beg for forgiveness?
Alison from Ask A Manager cautioned the author to make any apology sincere, if she did make an apology.
Did the letter writer make an apology? Did she make any attempt to be accountable for the consequences of her actions? Read on, there was an update:
Update: i didn't get a job because I was a bully in high school
Originally posted December 13, 2017.
I know you didn’t solicit an update, but I felt compelled to send one. I’d written you in the spring because I was having trouble breaking into a niche industry in which a high school classmate I’d bullied was a rock star. I wanted to know if you thought apologizing would help me get a job.
At the advice of your readers, I did delete the draft of an apology email I’d had sitting in my inbox for some time. I applied for one more job with Rock Star’s company, and when I didn’t hear back, I decided it was really and truly time to look elsewhere. I found a shop in a town seven hours away that was desperate to hire someone for a paid 9-month fellowship that started in June because the candidate they’d originally extended an offer to found a full-time, permanent position. I said goodbye to my boyfriend, packed up my car and two cats, and drove to a town I’d never been to.
And I hated it. Not the work. I actually loved the work, but the town sucked. Being away from my boyfriend and my family sucked. Not being able to make friends sucked (everyone else my age was married with two kids already). I called my boyfriend every night crying. He was supposed to come visit me over Labor Day but cancelled at the last minute because he had to work. Seeing how bummed I was, a coworker offered to swap shifts with me so I could make the trip home for the long weekend. I hopped into my car after work on Friday and drove all evening, arriving at the place I’d been sharing with my boyfriend before I moved a little after 1 a.m. Well, you probably know where this was going. He was cheating on me. I was devastated. I spent the rest of the night sobbing on my sister’s couch and drove back to where I was working the next morning.
Except I couldn’t make myself get out of bed on Tuesday. Or Wednesday. Or Thursday. I was fired after my third no call no show.
I tried to get the part-time job I’d had before moving for the fellowship back (they’d said come back anytime), but they’d found someone who was faster and more efficient than I’d been. Unable to afford a place on my own, I had to move back in with my parents. Not sure what else to do, I sent another desperate application to Rock Star’s shop. In an effort to cheer me up, my sister and my friends took me out for a nice dinner for my birthday at the end of September. This is where it goes from bad to worse. I drank too much wine at dinner and got pretty weepy. I excused myself from the table to try to put myself together … and ran into Rock Star and her husband celebrating their anniversary on the way to the bathroom.
I ended up yelling/crying at her that she’d ruined my life. I was asked to leave to leave and told I wasn’t welcome back.
That was Saturday night. I spent Sunday hungover in bed, trying to figure out how to clean up the mess I made. On Monday morning, Rock Star’s manager (the one hiring for the job I’d applied for) emailed me to let me know I’d been removed from the candidate pool. She advised me that I would not be considered for future positions at their shop … or any other in the network. That afternoon, without mentioning me or what happened at the restaurant over the weekend, Rock Star tweeted a long thread about how she’d been bullied in high school and she wishes teenagers would realize that high school ends and it does get better. She also tweeted out links to local mental health resources and the National Suicide hotline that were liked/retweeted many, many times.
So, just to recap, no job, no boyfriend, no money, no hope of ever breaking into the industry I spent five years preparing to enter. It’s hard not to feel like some of this is Rock Star’s fault, especially given how she rubbed salt in the wound after my whole world had come crashing down.
TL:DR Bully has not gained much maturity or insight into her behavior since high school, confronts the Rock Star in a restaurant, then thinks Rock Star bullied her. Where do you think the Bully is now? Asking if you want fries with that?

Reminder that I am not the OOP

Virginia Lawmakers sale Va out with their budget!! Illegals continue to get first class even here! #RutledgeforVaGovernor2025
“I ran in Portsmouth in a District represented by Louise Lucas! After my video on Lucas proposing tax increases on everything bought in Virginia to include online sales. Her little buddies in Portsmouth starting crying to her about what I was saying and whether it was true! Scrambling to undue a Democratic blunder! Youngkin bailed her out! Basically no one in Richmond wants to admit how strong I am in Virginia! It’s not how many you get to question or persuade! It’s who Lucas listens to that gets to her! All of Portsmouth waits to hear me speak and watches my videos! It wasn’t hard for me to sale to anyone that needed to know their pockets becoming a lot lighter! 2 million won’t go towards mental health but administrative fees for the entire commonwealth of Va! Also remember me mentioning the 5 billion surplus should have negated any property tax increase! It did but my question is what did they do with the rest of the remaining surplus! Yall pulled off some bullshit in Richmond! There is nothing about that budget that impresses any Virginian struggling to keep their kids in unsafe schools! To everyone in Richmond, I’m not buying your brand of bullshit yall call a budget! To law enforcement! Are you happy now and does that budget put more money and food on the table? Nope, it leaves you to deal with the same problems the rest of us all face! Law and order with crime surges never seen before should get everyone use to hopping to keep what you have left from criminals that are more likely to get off than do anytime! A time for a bold budget to address the sewer of homelessness that is taking over the streets! I’m sure in rich neighborhoods those doors are locked more than ever and when you didn’t look over your shoulders! You now do! It’s the criminals getting out daily that served their long sentences! How about our farmers and our energy independence exploration! Where is it that the tolls are gone and getting China out our business! It look like a table signing if everyone getting their cut! Something is wrong when Lucas is cheesing like that after talking all that junk about Youngkin at a budget signing! Virginia, we got sold out! How about Medicaid recipients not being cared for during some endless transition? We got sold out! Welcome NWO that even our own Commonwealth helps illegals more than their own citizens!”

So recently I’ve been hired on as a membership clerk for Costco, and I am really excited about it. However, I learned very quickly that it’s quite uncommon to be hired on as a part of membership as a new hire.
I feel like a lot of eyes are on me now and I also feel like a lot of people don’t quite understand why I was chosen for the position. I’ve worked sales positions before and have many years of customer service under my belt. I have a very upbeat attitude and find being sociable to be a very natural thing. But even with that, I’ve been told that everyone usually starts from the bottom. While I think it is fairly cool that the managers saw something in me, I feel like I really need to prove myself now. I’ve done tabling before, sales before, but I want to know how to excel in the role. Is there any advice about the role that anyone who has worked it before or working in it now can offer? Is it all really just about numbers or are there other important aspects that matter? What can I do to show that the managers didn’t make a mistake? I’m honestly, quite scared that I’ll be moved from the department after my 90 days. What are some goals I should set for myself for those 90 days? Thanks in advance!

I have been looking for a table top felt for 3 card poker. I assumes this would be easy to find but it's been 2 days and no luck. Has anyone ever seen a 3 card table kr 3 card table felt or rubber playing mat for sale?

Brief Synopsis: After accidentally murdering a man, Laela Shay discovers she is a succubus. For her safety, she moves to a special university made for training and protecting people of demonic descent like herself. But when a string of murders happen on campus, Laela may not be as safe as she thinks.
[Urban fantasy/paranormal/horror with a deaf lesbian lead and an eventual lesbian romance.]
Previous

The interrogation room was as sterile and cold as a laboratory, and Laela was the specimen to be dissected within it with words as the officers’ scalpels. They'd cut her open with insults and manipulation, stir around her insides to create a narrative that made sense to them, then sew her up and lock her away just like every other person they saw within these walls.
Needless to say, Laela had no intention of talking to them.
With her plan cemented firmly on her mind, Laela took in her surroundings. It was nondescript, with a few grey plastic chairs, a white table with a box of tissues, and white cement walls. The scene reminded Laela of games about liminal spaces—”the Backrooms,” as they were often called. It looked completely separate from any sort of reality she knew, as though it were a pocket realm.
Perhaps it truly was. Perhaps she wasn't about to be interrogated at a police station, but rather, had died a horrible death in the club, and now she was awaiting judgment in Purgatory.
Laela supposed it hardly mattered either way—her life was over whether or not she was rotting in the ground or behind bars.
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The Collect
O God, the King of glory, you have exalted your only Son Jesus Christ with great triumph to your kingdom in heaven: Do not leave us comfortless, but send us your Holy Spirit to strengthen us, and exalt us to that place where our Savior Christ has gone before; who lives and reigns with you and the Holy Spirit, one God, in glory everlasting. Amen.
Readings:
Psalm 97; 99; 100 Reading I Samuel 16:1–13a
Gospel: Matthew 8:18–27
18 Now when Jesus saw great multitudes about him, he gave commandment to depart unto the other side.
19 And a certain scribe came, and said unto him, Master, I will follow thee whithersoever thou goest
20 And Jesus saith unto him,The foxes have holes, and the birds of the air have nests; but the Son of man hath not where to lay his head
21 And another of his disciples said unto him, Lord, suffer me first to go and bury my father.
22 But Jesus said unto him,Follow me; and let the dead bury their dead.
23 And when he was entered into a ship, his disciples followed him.
24 And, behold, there arose a great tempest in the sea, insomuch that the ship was covered with the waves: but he was asleep.
25 And his disciples came to him, and awoke him, saying, Lord, save us: we perish.
26 And he saith unto them,Why are ye fearful, O ye of little faith?Then he arose, and rebuked the winds and the sea; and there was a great calm.
27 But the men marvelled, saying, What manner of man is this, that even the winds and the sea obey him!
Commentary:
Our study for today encompasses a collection of seemingly unrelated passages, but when viewed as a whole we find a great lesson in the cost of discipleship; not only for those who made up the first century church but for us today as well.
Although the verses recommended for this day begin with verse 18, by looking back at the rest of the chapter we find information which establishes the scene and gives us context for our understanding. Rather than to take a single verse at its face value, we must always look at the preceding verses as well as those that follow so as to thoroughly understand.
Assuming Matthews recollections of the events of chapter 8 are reflective of works of Christ that hapopened on the same day—and not events from throughout his ministry and lumped together here as Matthew wrote this Gospel years after the fact—we could conclude that our Lord had a busy day.
The chapter begins as Jesus is coming down off of the mountain where he preached the Sermon on the Mount, a great multitude of people following his every step, and a leper comes to worship him, he heals the man and tells him, “See thou tell no man; but go thy way, shew thyself to the priest, and offer the gift that Moses commanded, for a testimony unto them.” Then after entering Capernium a Roman Centurion comes to him asking Jesus to heal his servant. Impressed by the faith of a man who was not a Jew, but a Roman Gentile, Jesus healed the man’s slave by the authority of his word without even going to the slave’s bedside.
Matthew tells us that Jesus continued to heal many that day, beginning with Peter’s mother-in-law, then many others who were sick or possess by demons.
Our Lord had no qualms about healing the sick, but throughout the Gospels we can detect a note of concern on his part in that many were coming to him, apparently for the sole purpose of the healing of physical ailments, and not for the healing of spiritual illness. We find in more than one place, Jesus making the decision to cross over the Sea of Galilee, presumably so that he could teach away from the crowds that seemed to only want physical cures.
“Now when Jesus saw great multitudes about him, he gave commandment to depart unto the other side. And a certain scribe came, and said unto him, Master, I will follow thee whithersoever thou goest And Jesus saith unto him,The foxes have holes, and the birds of the air have nests; but the Son of man hath not where to lay his head” (vs. 18-20)
In a time when most were illiterate and few could even write, Scribes held an important position. Scribes had knowledge of the law and could draft legal documents (contracts for marriage, divorce, loans, inheritance, mortgages, the sale of land, and the like). Every village had at least one scribe, and we can surmise that scribes enjoyed a certain degree of wealth due to the need of their services.
Jesus lived a very simple life, traveling about teaching the people of his plan for salvation, a life that was not glamorous and one without financial compensation. Jesus didn’t tell the man “No, you can’t follow Me.” But He told him the truth, without painting a glamorized version of what it was like to follow Him. This is the opposite of techniques used by many evangelists today, but Jesus wanted the man to know what it would really be like.
“And another of his disciples said unto him, Lord, suffer me first to go and bury my father. But Jesus said unto him,Follow me; and let the dead bury their dead.” (vs. 21-22)
“Actually, this man did not ask for permission to dig a grave for his deceased father. He wanted to remain in his father’s house and care for him until the father died. This was obviously an indefinite period, which could drag on and on. This man was another of His disciples; yet he did not follow Jesus as he should have, nor as the 12 disciples did. This shows us that the term disciples has a somewhat broad meaning in the Gospel of Matthew, and must be understood in its context. The man wanted to follow Jesus, but not just yet. He knew it was good and that he should do it, but he felt there was a good reason why he could not do it now.” (Guzik)
“The excuse that this disciple made, to defer an immediate attendance on Christ (v. 21); "Lord, suffer me first to go and bury my father. Before I come to be a close and constant follower of thee, let me be allowed to perform this last office of respect to my father; and in the mean time, let it suffice to be a hearer of thee now and then, when I can spare time." His father (some think) was now sick, or dying, or dead; others think, he was only aged, and not likely in a course of nature, to continue long; and he desired leave to attend upon him in his sickness, at his death, and to his grave, and then he would be at Christ's service. This seemed a reasonable request, and yet it was not right. He had not the zeal he should have had for the work, and therefore pleaded this, because it seemed a plausible plea.” (Henry)
“And when he was entered into a ship, his disciples followed him. And, behold, there arose a great tempest in the sea, insomuch that the ship was covered with the waves: but he was asleep. And his disciples came to him, and awoke him, saying, Lord, save us: we perish. And he saith unto them,Why are ye fearful, O ye of little faith? Then he arose, and rebuked the winds and the sea; and there was a great calm. But the men marvelled, saying, What manner of man is this, that even the winds and the sea obey him!” (vs. 23-27)
“He does not chide them for disturbing him with their prayers, but for disturbing themselves with their fears.” (Henry)
Here we have three great lessons in discipleship. The scribe would have been accustomed to receiving remuneration for his services, a disciple of Christ in those days as well as today must be prepared for hardship. Scribes such as this man enjoyed a certain degree of celebrity, an important man in the community who provided a service that was often needed. Disciples seldom gain celebrity, and the ones that do, frequently experience a downfall. Jesus said; “No man can serve two masters: for either he will hate the one, and love the other; or else he will hold to the one, and despise the other. Ye cannot serve God and mammon.” (Mt. 6:24) Jesus knew that this man would find it difficult to leave that which he was used to and to take up the cross and follow him.
The second lesson involves a disciple—a follower but not of the 12—who would have Jesus wait on him, until the man’s father had died and his affairs settled. Jesus knew his time on Earth was short, his appointment with destiny was just months away, but this man expected Jesus to wait for him.
We have to remember that at this point in his ministry, even the 12 seemed to think that when he established the Kingdom of God, they would enjoy high ranking positions in his administration. So many failed to realize that Jesus was speaking of a spiritual kingdom, a heavenly kingdom, and not a worldly political subdivision. Although Matthew does not make this point clear, we might surmise that this man wanted to be part of what he erroneously perceived to be a glorious worldly kingdom that rivaled that of King David’s era. Whatever the case may be in this man’s situation, when we consider the rebuke Jesus gave him “Follow me; and let the dead bury their dead.” We can learn of another great cost in discipleship, the need to serve Jesus versus the need to serve our own agenda.
Finally we come to the third lesson. “Why are ye fearful, O ye of little faith?” We, as disciples of Christ, must always have faith, even in the face of danger.
Matthew Henry wrote: “His disciples followed him; the twelve kept close to him, when others staid behind upon the terra firma, where there was sure footing. Note, They, and they only, will be found the true disciples of Christ, that are willing to go to sea with him, to follow him into dangers and difficulties. Many would be content to go the land-way to heaven, that will rather stand still, or go back, than venture upon a dangerous sea; but those that would rest with Christ hereafter must follow him now wherever he leads them, into a ship or into a prison, as well as into a palace.”
Benediction
Almighty and most merciful God, grant that by the indwelling of your Holy Spirit we may be enlightened and strengthened for your service; through Jesus Christ our Lord, who lives and reigns with you, in the unity of the Holy Spirit, one God, now and for ever. Amen.
Thought for the Day:
The best thing to give to your enemy is forgiveness; to an opponent, tolerance; to a friend, your heart; to your child, a good example; to a father, deference; to your mother, conduct that will make her proud of you; to yourself, respect; to all others, charity.
Benjamin Franklin

The Collect
O God, the King of glory, you have exalted your only Son Jesus Christ with great triumph to your kingdom in heaven: Do not leave us comfortless, but send us your Holy Spirit to strengthen us, and exalt us to that place where our Savior Christ has gone before; who lives and reigns with you and the Holy Spirit, one God, in glory everlasting. Amen.
Readings:
Psalm 97; 99; 100 Reading I Samuel 16:1–13a
Gospel: Matthew 8:18–27
18 Now when Jesus saw great multitudes about him, he gave commandment to depart unto the other side.
19 And a certain scribe came, and said unto him, Master, I will follow thee whithersoever thou goest
20 And Jesus saith unto him,The foxes have holes, and the birds of the air have nests; but the Son of man hath not where to lay his head
21 And another of his disciples said unto him, Lord, suffer me first to go and bury my father.
22 But Jesus said unto him,Follow me; and let the dead bury their dead.
23 And when he was entered into a ship, his disciples followed him.
24 And, behold, there arose a great tempest in the sea, insomuch that the ship was covered with the waves: but he was asleep.
25 And his disciples came to him, and awoke him, saying, Lord, save us: we perish.
26 And he saith unto them,Why are ye fearful, O ye of little faith?Then he arose, and rebuked the winds and the sea; and there was a great calm.
27 But the men marvelled, saying, What manner of man is this, that even the winds and the sea obey him!
Commentary:
Our study for today encompasses a collection of seemingly unrelated passages, but when viewed as a whole we find a great lesson in the cost of discipleship; not only for those who made up the first century church but for us today as well.
Although the verses recommended for this day begin with verse 18, by looking back at the rest of the chapter we find information which establishes the scene and gives us context for our understanding. Rather than to take a single verse at its face value, we must always look at the preceding verses as well as those that follow so as to thoroughly understand.
Assuming Matthews recollections of the events of chapter 8 are reflective of works of Christ that hapopened on the same day—and not events from throughout his ministry and lumped together here as Matthew wrote this Gospel years after the fact—we could conclude that our Lord had a busy day.
The chapter begins as Jesus is coming down off of the mountain where he preached the Sermon on the Mount, a great multitude of people following his every step, and a leper comes to worship him, he heals the man and tells him, “See thou tell no man; but go thy way, shew thyself to the priest, and offer the gift that Moses commanded, for a testimony unto them.” Then after entering Capernium a Roman Centurion comes to him asking Jesus to heal his servant. Impressed by the faith of a man who was not a Jew, but a Roman Gentile, Jesus healed the man’s slave by the authority of his word without even going to the slave’s bedside.
Matthew tells us that Jesus continued to heal many that day, beginning with Peter’s mother-in-law, then many others who were sick or possess by demons.
Our Lord had no qualms about healing the sick, but throughout the Gospels we can detect a note of concern on his part in that many were coming to him, apparently for the sole purpose of the healing of physical ailments, and not for the healing of spiritual illness. We find in more than one place, Jesus making the decision to cross over the Sea of Galilee, presumably so that he could teach away from the crowds that seemed to only want physical cures.
“Now when Jesus saw great multitudes about him, he gave commandment to depart unto the other side. And a certain scribe came, and said unto him, Master, I will follow thee whithersoever thou goest And Jesus saith unto him,The foxes have holes, and the birds of the air have nests; but the Son of man hath not where to lay his head” (vs. 18-20)
In a time when most were illiterate and few could even write, Scribes held an important position. Scribes had knowledge of the law and could draft legal documents (contracts for marriage, divorce, loans, inheritance, mortgages, the sale of land, and the like). Every village had at least one scribe, and we can surmise that scribes enjoyed a certain degree of wealth due to the need of their services.
Jesus lived a very simple life, traveling about teaching the people of his plan for salvation, a life that was not glamorous and one without financial compensation. Jesus didn’t tell the man “No, you can’t follow Me.” But He told him the truth, without painting a glamorized version of what it was like to follow Him. This is the opposite of techniques used by many evangelists today, but Jesus wanted the man to know what it would really be like.
“And another of his disciples said unto him, Lord, suffer me first to go and bury my father. But Jesus said unto him,Follow me; and let the dead bury their dead.” (vs. 21-22)
“Actually, this man did not ask for permission to dig a grave for his deceased father. He wanted to remain in his father’s house and care for him until the father died. This was obviously an indefinite period, which could drag on and on. This man was another of His disciples; yet he did not follow Jesus as he should have, nor as the 12 disciples did. This shows us that the term disciples has a somewhat broad meaning in the Gospel of Matthew, and must be understood in its context. The man wanted to follow Jesus, but not just yet. He knew it was good and that he should do it, but he felt there was a good reason why he could not do it now.” (Guzik)
“The excuse that this disciple made, to defer an immediate attendance on Christ (v. 21); "Lord, suffer me first to go and bury my father. Before I come to be a close and constant follower of thee, let me be allowed to perform this last office of respect to my father; and in the mean time, let it suffice to be a hearer of thee now and then, when I can spare time." His father (some think) was now sick, or dying, or dead; others think, he was only aged, and not likely in a course of nature, to continue long; and he desired leave to attend upon him in his sickness, at his death, and to his grave, and then he would be at Christ's service. This seemed a reasonable request, and yet it was not right. He had not the zeal he should have had for the work, and therefore pleaded this, because it seemed a plausible plea.” (Henry)
“And when he was entered into a ship, his disciples followed him. And, behold, there arose a great tempest in the sea, insomuch that the ship was covered with the waves: but he was asleep. And his disciples came to him, and awoke him, saying, Lord, save us: we perish. And he saith unto them,Why are ye fearful, O ye of little faith? Then he arose, and rebuked the winds and the sea; and there was a great calm. But the men marvelled, saying, What manner of man is this, that even the winds and the sea obey him!” (vs. 23-27)
“He does not chide them for disturbing him with their prayers, but for disturbing themselves with their fears.” (Henry)
Here we have three great lessons in discipleship. The scribe would have been accustomed to receiving remuneration for his services, a disciple of Christ in those days as well as today must be prepared for hardship. Scribes such as this man enjoyed a certain degree of celebrity, an important man in the community who provided a service that was often needed. Disciples seldom gain celebrity, and the ones that do, frequently experience a downfall. Jesus said; “No man can serve two masters: for either he will hate the one, and love the other; or else he will hold to the one, and despise the other. Ye cannot serve God and mammon.” (Mt. 6:24) Jesus knew that this man would find it difficult to leave that which he was used to and to take up the cross and follow him.
The second lesson involves a disciple—a follower but not of the 12—who would have Jesus wait on him, until the man’s father had died and his affairs settled. Jesus knew his time on Earth was short, his appointment with destiny was just months away, but this man expected Jesus to wait for him.
We have to remember that at this point in his ministry, even the 12 seemed to think that when he established the Kingdom of God, they would enjoy high ranking positions in his administration. So many failed to realize that Jesus was speaking of a spiritual kingdom, a heavenly kingdom, and not a worldly political subdivision. Although Matthew does not make this point clear, we might surmise that this man wanted to be part of what he erroneously perceived to be a glorious worldly kingdom that rivaled that of King David’s era. Whatever the case may be in this man’s situation, when we consider the rebuke Jesus gave him “Follow me; and let the dead bury their dead.” We can learn of another great cost in discipleship, the need to serve Jesus versus the need to serve our own agenda.
Finally we come to the third lesson. “Why are ye fearful, O ye of little faith?” We, as disciples of Christ, must always have faith, even in the face of danger.
Matthew Henry wrote: “His disciples followed him; the twelve kept close to him, when others staid behind upon the terra firma, where there was sure footing. Note, They, and they only, will be found the true disciples of Christ, that are willing to go to sea with him, to follow him into dangers and difficulties. Many would be content to go the land-way to heaven, that will rather stand still, or go back, than venture upon a dangerous sea; but those that would rest with Christ hereafter must follow him now wherever he leads them, into a ship or into a prison, as well as into a palace.”
Benediction
Almighty and most merciful God, grant that by the indwelling of your Holy Spirit we may be enlightened and strengthened for your service; through Jesus Christ our Lord, who lives and reigns with you, in the unity of the Holy Spirit, one God, now and for ever. Amen.
Thought for the Day:
The best thing to give to your enemy is forgiveness; to an opponent, tolerance; to a friend, your heart; to your child, a good example; to a father, deference; to your mother, conduct that will make her proud of you; to yourself, respect; to all others, charity.
Benjamin Franklin

The Collect
O God, the King of glory, you have exalted your only Son Jesus Christ with great triumph to your kingdom in heaven: Do not leave us comfortless, but send us your Holy Spirit to strengthen us, and exalt us to that place where our Savior Christ has gone before; who lives and reigns with you and the Holy Spirit, one God, in glory everlasting. Amen.
Readings:
Psalm 97; 99; 100 Reading I Samuel 16:1–13a
Gospel: Matthew 8:18–27
18 Now when Jesus saw great multitudes about him, he gave commandment to depart unto the other side.
19 And a certain scribe came, and said unto him, Master, I will follow thee whithersoever thou goest
20 And Jesus saith unto him,The foxes have holes, and the birds of the air have nests; but the Son of man hath not where to lay his head
21 And another of his disciples said unto him, Lord, suffer me first to go and bury my father.
22 But Jesus said unto him,Follow me; and let the dead bury their dead.
23 And when he was entered into a ship, his disciples followed him.
24 And, behold, there arose a great tempest in the sea, insomuch that the ship was covered with the waves: but he was asleep.
25 And his disciples came to him, and awoke him, saying, Lord, save us: we perish.
26 And he saith unto them,Why are ye fearful, O ye of little faith?Then he arose, and rebuked the winds and the sea; and there was a great calm.
27 But the men marvelled, saying, What manner of man is this, that even the winds and the sea obey him!
Commentary:
Our study for today encompasses a collection of seemingly unrelated passages, but when viewed as a whole we find a great lesson in the cost of discipleship; not only for those who made up the first century church but for us today as well.
Although the verses recommended for this day begin with verse 18, by looking back at the rest of the chapter we find information which establishes the scene and gives us context for our understanding. Rather than to take a single verse at its face value, we must always look at the preceding verses as well as those that follow so as to thoroughly understand.
Assuming Matthews recollections of the events of chapter 8 are reflective of works of Christ that hapopened on the same day—and not events from throughout his ministry and lumped together here as Matthew wrote this Gospel years after the fact—we could conclude that our Lord had a busy day.
The chapter begins as Jesus is coming down off of the mountain where he preached the Sermon on the Mount, a great multitude of people following his every step, and a leper comes to worship him, he heals the man and tells him, “See thou tell no man; but go thy way, shew thyself to the priest, and offer the gift that Moses commanded, for a testimony unto them.” Then after entering Capernium a Roman Centurion comes to him asking Jesus to heal his servant. Impressed by the faith of a man who was not a Jew, but a Roman Gentile, Jesus healed the man’s slave by the authority of his word without even going to the slave’s bedside.
Matthew tells us that Jesus continued to heal many that day, beginning with Peter’s mother-in-law, then many others who were sick or possess by demons.
Our Lord had no qualms about healing the sick, but throughout the Gospels we can detect a note of concern on his part in that many were coming to him, apparently for the sole purpose of the healing of physical ailments, and not for the healing of spiritual illness. We find in more than one place, Jesus making the decision to cross over the Sea of Galilee, presumably so that he could teach away from the crowds that seemed to only want physical cures.
“Now when Jesus saw great multitudes about him, he gave commandment to depart unto the other side. And a certain scribe came, and said unto him, Master, I will follow thee whithersoever thou goest And Jesus saith unto him,The foxes have holes, and the birds of the air have nests; but the Son of man hath not where to lay his head” (vs. 18-20)
In a time when most were illiterate and few could even write, Scribes held an important position. Scribes had knowledge of the law and could draft legal documents (contracts for marriage, divorce, loans, inheritance, mortgages, the sale of land, and the like). Every village had at least one scribe, and we can surmise that scribes enjoyed a certain degree of wealth due to the need of their services.
Jesus lived a very simple life, traveling about teaching the people of his plan for salvation, a life that was not glamorous and one without financial compensation. Jesus didn’t tell the man “No, you can’t follow Me.” But He told him the truth, without painting a glamorized version of what it was like to follow Him. This is the opposite of techniques used by many evangelists today, but Jesus wanted the man to know what it would really be like.
“And another of his disciples said unto him, Lord, suffer me first to go and bury my father. But Jesus said unto him,Follow me; and let the dead bury their dead.” (vs. 21-22)
“Actually, this man did not ask for permission to dig a grave for his deceased father. He wanted to remain in his father’s house and care for him until the father died. This was obviously an indefinite period, which could drag on and on. This man was another of His disciples; yet he did not follow Jesus as he should have, nor as the 12 disciples did. This shows us that the term disciples has a somewhat broad meaning in the Gospel of Matthew, and must be understood in its context. The man wanted to follow Jesus, but not just yet. He knew it was good and that he should do it, but he felt there was a good reason why he could not do it now.” (Guzik)
“The excuse that this disciple made, to defer an immediate attendance on Christ (v. 21); "Lord, suffer me first to go and bury my father. Before I come to be a close and constant follower of thee, let me be allowed to perform this last office of respect to my father; and in the mean time, let it suffice to be a hearer of thee now and then, when I can spare time." His father (some think) was now sick, or dying, or dead; others think, he was only aged, and not likely in a course of nature, to continue long; and he desired leave to attend upon him in his sickness, at his death, and to his grave, and then he would be at Christ's service. This seemed a reasonable request, and yet it was not right. He had not the zeal he should have had for the work, and therefore pleaded this, because it seemed a plausible plea.” (Henry)
“And when he was entered into a ship, his disciples followed him. And, behold, there arose a great tempest in the sea, insomuch that the ship was covered with the waves: but he was asleep. And his disciples came to him, and awoke him, saying, Lord, save us: we perish. And he saith unto them,Why are ye fearful, O ye of little faith? Then he arose, and rebuked the winds and the sea; and there was a great calm. But the men marvelled, saying, What manner of man is this, that even the winds and the sea obey him!” (vs. 23-27)
“He does not chide them for disturbing him with their prayers, but for disturbing themselves with their fears.” (Henry)
Here we have three great lessons in discipleship. The scribe would have been accustomed to receiving remuneration for his services, a disciple of Christ in those days as well as today must be prepared for hardship. Scribes such as this man enjoyed a certain degree of celebrity, an important man in the community who provided a service that was often needed. Disciples seldom gain celebrity, and the ones that do, frequently experience a downfall. Jesus said; “No man can serve two masters: for either he will hate the one, and love the other; or else he will hold to the one, and despise the other. Ye cannot serve God and mammon.” (Mt. 6:24) Jesus knew that this man would find it difficult to leave that which he was used to and to take up the cross and follow him.
The second lesson involves a disciple—a follower but not of the 12—who would have Jesus wait on him, until the man’s father had died and his affairs settled. Jesus knew his time on Earth was short, his appointment with destiny was just months away, but this man expected Jesus to wait for him.
We have to remember that at this point in his ministry, even the 12 seemed to think that when he established the Kingdom of God, they would enjoy high ranking positions in his administration. So many failed to realize that Jesus was speaking of a spiritual kingdom, a heavenly kingdom, and not a worldly political subdivision. Although Matthew does not make this point clear, we might surmise that this man wanted to be part of what he erroneously perceived to be a glorious worldly kingdom that rivaled that of King David’s era. Whatever the case may be in this man’s situation, when we consider the rebuke Jesus gave him “Follow me; and let the dead bury their dead.” We can learn of another great cost in discipleship, the need to serve Jesus versus the need to serve our own agenda.
Finally we come to the third lesson. “Why are ye fearful, O ye of little faith?” We, as disciples of Christ, must always have faith, even in the face of danger.
Matthew Henry wrote: “His disciples followed him; the twelve kept close to him, when others staid behind upon the terra firma, where there was sure footing. Note, They, and they only, will be found the true disciples of Christ, that are willing to go to sea with him, to follow him into dangers and difficulties. Many would be content to go the land-way to heaven, that will rather stand still, or go back, than venture upon a dangerous sea; but those that would rest with Christ hereafter must follow him now wherever he leads them, into a ship or into a prison, as well as into a palace.”
Benediction
Almighty and most merciful God, grant that by the indwelling of your Holy Spirit we may be enlightened and strengthened for your service; through Jesus Christ our Lord, who lives and reigns with you, in the unity of the Holy Spirit, one God, now and for ever. Amen.
Thought for the Day:
The best thing to give to your enemy is forgiveness; to an opponent, tolerance; to a friend, your heart; to your child, a good example; to a father, deference; to your mother, conduct that will make her proud of you; to yourself, respect; to all others, charity.
Benjamin Franklin

The Collect
O God, the King of glory, you have exalted your only Son Jesus Christ with great triumph to your kingdom in heaven: Do not leave us comfortless, but send us your Holy Spirit to strengthen us, and exalt us to that place where our Savior Christ has gone before; who lives and reigns with you and the Holy Spirit, one God, in glory everlasting. Amen.
Readings:
Psalm 97; 99; 100 Reading I Samuel 16:1–13a
Gospel: Matthew 8:18–27
18 Now when Jesus saw great multitudes about him, he gave commandment to depart unto the other side.
19 And a certain scribe came, and said unto him, Master, I will follow thee whithersoever thou goest
20 And Jesus saith unto him,The foxes have holes, and the birds of the air have nests; but the Son of man hath not where to lay his head
21 And another of his disciples said unto him, Lord, suffer me first to go and bury my father.
22 But Jesus said unto him,Follow me; and let the dead bury their dead.
23 And when he was entered into a ship, his disciples followed him.
24 And, behold, there arose a great tempest in the sea, insomuch that the ship was covered with the waves: but he was asleep.
25 And his disciples came to him, and awoke him, saying, Lord, save us: we perish.
26 And he saith unto them,Why are ye fearful, O ye of little faith?Then he arose, and rebuked the winds and the sea; and there was a great calm.
27 But the men marvelled, saying, What manner of man is this, that even the winds and the sea obey him!
Commentary:
Our study for today encompasses a collection of seemingly unrelated passages, but when viewed as a whole we find a great lesson in the cost of discipleship; not only for those who made up the first century church but for us today as well.
Although the verses recommended for this day begin with verse 18, by looking back at the rest of the chapter we find information which establishes the scene and gives us context for our understanding. Rather than to take a single verse at its face value, we must always look at the preceding verses as well as those that follow so as to thoroughly understand.
Assuming Matthews recollections of the events of chapter 8 are reflective of works of Christ that hapopened on the same day—and not events from throughout his ministry and lumped together here as Matthew wrote this Gospel years after the fact—we could conclude that our Lord had a busy day.
The chapter begins as Jesus is coming down off of the mountain where he preached the Sermon on the Mount, a great multitude of people following his every step, and a leper comes to worship him, he heals the man and tells him, “See thou tell no man; but go thy way, shew thyself to the priest, and offer the gift that Moses commanded, for a testimony unto them.” Then after entering Capernium a Roman Centurion comes to him asking Jesus to heal his servant. Impressed by the faith of a man who was not a Jew, but a Roman Gentile, Jesus healed the man’s slave by the authority of his word without even going to the slave’s bedside.
Matthew tells us that Jesus continued to heal many that day, beginning with Peter’s mother-in-law, then many others who were sick or possess by demons.
Our Lord had no qualms about healing the sick, but throughout the Gospels we can detect a note of concern on his part in that many were coming to him, apparently for the sole purpose of the healing of physical ailments, and not for the healing of spiritual illness. We find in more than one place, Jesus making the decision to cross over the Sea of Galilee, presumably so that he could teach away from the crowds that seemed to only want physical cures.
“Now when Jesus saw great multitudes about him, he gave commandment to depart unto the other side. And a certain scribe came, and said unto him, Master, I will follow thee whithersoever thou goest And Jesus saith unto him,The foxes have holes, and the birds of the air have nests; but the Son of man hath not where to lay his head” (vs. 18-20)
In a time when most were illiterate and few could even write, Scribes held an important position. Scribes had knowledge of the law and could draft legal documents (contracts for marriage, divorce, loans, inheritance, mortgages, the sale of land, and the like). Every village had at least one scribe, and we can surmise that scribes enjoyed a certain degree of wealth due to the need of their services.
Jesus lived a very simple life, traveling about teaching the people of his plan for salvation, a life that was not glamorous and one without financial compensation. Jesus didn’t tell the man “No, you can’t follow Me.” But He told him the truth, without painting a glamorized version of what it was like to follow Him. This is the opposite of techniques used by many evangelists today, but Jesus wanted the man to know what it would really be like.
“And another of his disciples said unto him, Lord, suffer me first to go and bury my father. But Jesus said unto him,Follow me; and let the dead bury their dead.” (vs. 21-22)
“Actually, this man did not ask for permission to dig a grave for his deceased father. He wanted to remain in his father’s house and care for him until the father died. This was obviously an indefinite period, which could drag on and on. This man was another of His disciples; yet he did not follow Jesus as he should have, nor as the 12 disciples did. This shows us that the term disciples has a somewhat broad meaning in the Gospel of Matthew, and must be understood in its context. The man wanted to follow Jesus, but not just yet. He knew it was good and that he should do it, but he felt there was a good reason why he could not do it now.” (Guzik)
“The excuse that this disciple made, to defer an immediate attendance on Christ (v. 21); "Lord, suffer me first to go and bury my father. Before I come to be a close and constant follower of thee, let me be allowed to perform this last office of respect to my father; and in the mean time, let it suffice to be a hearer of thee now and then, when I can spare time." His father (some think) was now sick, or dying, or dead; others think, he was only aged, and not likely in a course of nature, to continue long; and he desired leave to attend upon him in his sickness, at his death, and to his grave, and then he would be at Christ's service. This seemed a reasonable request, and yet it was not right. He had not the zeal he should have had for the work, and therefore pleaded this, because it seemed a plausible plea.” (Henry)
“And when he was entered into a ship, his disciples followed him. And, behold, there arose a great tempest in the sea, insomuch that the ship was covered with the waves: but he was asleep. And his disciples came to him, and awoke him, saying, Lord, save us: we perish. And he saith unto them,Why are ye fearful, O ye of little faith? Then he arose, and rebuked the winds and the sea; and there was a great calm. But the men marvelled, saying, What manner of man is this, that even the winds and the sea obey him!” (vs. 23-27)
“He does not chide them for disturbing him with their prayers, but for disturbing themselves with their fears.” (Henry)
Here we have three great lessons in discipleship. The scribe would have been accustomed to receiving remuneration for his services, a disciple of Christ in those days as well as today must be prepared for hardship. Scribes such as this man enjoyed a certain degree of celebrity, an important man in the community who provided a service that was often needed. Disciples seldom gain celebrity, and the ones that do, frequently experience a downfall. Jesus said; “No man can serve two masters: for either he will hate the one, and love the other; or else he will hold to the one, and despise the other. Ye cannot serve God and mammon.” (Mt. 6:24) Jesus knew that this man would find it difficult to leave that which he was used to and to take up the cross and follow him.
The second lesson involves a disciple—a follower but not of the 12—who would have Jesus wait on him, until the man’s father had died and his affairs settled. Jesus knew his time on Earth was short, his appointment with destiny was just months away, but this man expected Jesus to wait for him.
We have to remember that at this point in his ministry, even the 12 seemed to think that when he established the Kingdom of God, they would enjoy high ranking positions in his administration. So many failed to realize that Jesus was speaking of a spiritual kingdom, a heavenly kingdom, and not a worldly political subdivision. Although Matthew does not make this point clear, we might surmise that this man wanted to be part of what he erroneously perceived to be a glorious worldly kingdom that rivaled that of King David’s era. Whatever the case may be in this man’s situation, when we consider the rebuke Jesus gave him “Follow me; and let the dead bury their dead.” We can learn of another great cost in discipleship, the need to serve Jesus versus the need to serve our own agenda.
Finally we come to the third lesson. “Why are ye fearful, O ye of little faith?” We, as disciples of Christ, must always have faith, even in the face of danger.
Matthew Henry wrote: “His disciples followed him; the twelve kept close to him, when others staid behind upon the terra firma, where there was sure footing. Note, They, and they only, will be found the true disciples of Christ, that are willing to go to sea with him, to follow him into dangers and difficulties. Many would be content to go the land-way to heaven, that will rather stand still, or go back, than venture upon a dangerous sea; but those that would rest with Christ hereafter must follow him now wherever he leads them, into a ship or into a prison, as well as into a palace.”
Benediction
Almighty and most merciful God, grant that by the indwelling of your Holy Spirit we may be enlightened and strengthened for your service; through Jesus Christ our Lord, who lives and reigns with you, in the unity of the Holy Spirit, one God, now and for ever. Amen.
Thought for the Day:
The best thing to give to your enemy is forgiveness; to an opponent, tolerance; to a friend, your heart; to your child, a good example; to a father, deference; to your mother, conduct that will make her proud of you; to yourself, respect; to all others, charity.
Benjamin Franklin

The Collect
O God, the King of glory, you have exalted your only Son Jesus Christ with great triumph to your kingdom in heaven: Do not leave us comfortless, but send us your Holy Spirit to strengthen us, and exalt us to that place where our Savior Christ has gone before; who lives and reigns with you and the Holy Spirit, one God, in glory everlasting. Amen.
Readings:
Psalm 97; 99; 100 Reading I Samuel 16:1–13a
Gospel: Matthew 8:18–27
18 Now when Jesus saw great multitudes about him, he gave commandment to depart unto the other side.
19 And a certain scribe came, and said unto him, Master, I will follow thee whithersoever thou goest
20 And Jesus saith unto him,The foxes have holes, and the birds of the air have nests; but the Son of man hath not where to lay his head
21 And another of his disciples said unto him, Lord, suffer me first to go and bury my father.
22 But Jesus said unto him,Follow me; and let the dead bury their dead.
23 And when he was entered into a ship, his disciples followed him.
24 And, behold, there arose a great tempest in the sea, insomuch that the ship was covered with the waves: but he was asleep.
25 And his disciples came to him, and awoke him, saying, Lord, save us: we perish.
26 And he saith unto them,Why are ye fearful, O ye of little faith?Then he arose, and rebuked the winds and the sea; and there was a great calm.
27 But the men marvelled, saying, What manner of man is this, that even the winds and the sea obey him!
Commentary:
Our study for today encompasses a collection of seemingly unrelated passages, but when viewed as a whole we find a great lesson in the cost of discipleship; not only for those who made up the first century church but for us today as well.
Although the verses recommended for this day begin with verse 18, by looking back at the rest of the chapter we find information which establishes the scene and gives us context for our understanding. Rather than to take a single verse at its face value, we must always look at the preceding verses as well as those that follow so as to thoroughly understand.
Assuming Matthews recollections of the events of chapter 8 are reflective of works of Christ that hapopened on the same day—and not events from throughout his ministry and lumped together here as Matthew wrote this Gospel years after the fact—we could conclude that our Lord had a busy day.
The chapter begins as Jesus is coming down off of the mountain where he preached the Sermon on the Mount, a great multitude of people following his every step, and a leper comes to worship him, he heals the man and tells him, “See thou tell no man; but go thy way, shew thyself to the priest, and offer the gift that Moses commanded, for a testimony unto them.” Then after entering Capernium a Roman Centurion comes to him asking Jesus to heal his servant. Impressed by the faith of a man who was not a Jew, but a Roman Gentile, Jesus healed the man’s slave by the authority of his word without even going to the slave’s bedside.
Matthew tells us that Jesus continued to heal many that day, beginning with Peter’s mother-in-law, then many others who were sick or possess by demons.
Our Lord had no qualms about healing the sick, but throughout the Gospels we can detect a note of concern on his part in that many were coming to him, apparently for the sole purpose of the healing of physical ailments, and not for the healing of spiritual illness. We find in more than one place, Jesus making the decision to cross over the Sea of Galilee, presumably so that he could teach away from the crowds that seemed to only want physical cures.
“Now when Jesus saw great multitudes about him, he gave commandment to depart unto the other side. And a certain scribe came, and said unto him, Master, I will follow thee whithersoever thou goest And Jesus saith unto him,The foxes have holes, and the birds of the air have nests; but the Son of man hath not where to lay his head” (vs. 18-20)
In a time when most were illiterate and few could even write, Scribes held an important position. Scribes had knowledge of the law and could draft legal documents (contracts for marriage, divorce, loans, inheritance, mortgages, the sale of land, and the like). Every village had at least one scribe, and we can surmise that scribes enjoyed a certain degree of wealth due to the need of their services.
Jesus lived a very simple life, traveling about teaching the people of his plan for salvation, a life that was not glamorous and one without financial compensation. Jesus didn’t tell the man “No, you can’t follow Me.” But He told him the truth, without painting a glamorized version of what it was like to follow Him. This is the opposite of techniques used by many evangelists today, but Jesus wanted the man to know what it would really be like.
“And another of his disciples said unto him, Lord, suffer me first to go and bury my father. But Jesus said unto him,Follow me; and let the dead bury their dead.” (vs. 21-22)
“Actually, this man did not ask for permission to dig a grave for his deceased father. He wanted to remain in his father’s house and care for him until the father died. This was obviously an indefinite period, which could drag on and on. This man was another of His disciples; yet he did not follow Jesus as he should have, nor as the 12 disciples did. This shows us that the term disciples has a somewhat broad meaning in the Gospel of Matthew, and must be understood in its context. The man wanted to follow Jesus, but not just yet. He knew it was good and that he should do it, but he felt there was a good reason why he could not do it now.” (Guzik)
“The excuse that this disciple made, to defer an immediate attendance on Christ (v. 21); "Lord, suffer me first to go and bury my father. Before I come to be a close and constant follower of thee, let me be allowed to perform this last office of respect to my father; and in the mean time, let it suffice to be a hearer of thee now and then, when I can spare time." His father (some think) was now sick, or dying, or dead; others think, he was only aged, and not likely in a course of nature, to continue long; and he desired leave to attend upon him in his sickness, at his death, and to his grave, and then he would be at Christ's service. This seemed a reasonable request, and yet it was not right. He had not the zeal he should have had for the work, and therefore pleaded this, because it seemed a plausible plea.” (Henry)
“And when he was entered into a ship, his disciples followed him. And, behold, there arose a great tempest in the sea, insomuch that the ship was covered with the waves: but he was asleep. And his disciples came to him, and awoke him, saying, Lord, save us: we perish. And he saith unto them,Why are ye fearful, O ye of little faith? Then he arose, and rebuked the winds and the sea; and there was a great calm. But the men marvelled, saying, What manner of man is this, that even the winds and the sea obey him!” (vs. 23-27)
“He does not chide them for disturbing him with their prayers, but for disturbing themselves with their fears.” (Henry)
Here we have three great lessons in discipleship. The scribe would have been accustomed to receiving remuneration for his services, a disciple of Christ in those days as well as today must be prepared for hardship. Scribes such as this man enjoyed a certain degree of celebrity, an important man in the community who provided a service that was often needed. Disciples seldom gain celebrity, and the ones that do, frequently experience a downfall. Jesus said; “No man can serve two masters: for either he will hate the one, and love the other; or else he will hold to the one, and despise the other. Ye cannot serve God and mammon.” (Mt. 6:24) Jesus knew that this man would find it difficult to leave that which he was used to and to take up the cross and follow him.
The second lesson involves a disciple—a follower but not of the 12—who would have Jesus wait on him, until the man’s father had died and his affairs settled. Jesus knew his time on Earth was short, his appointment with destiny was just months away, but this man expected Jesus to wait for him.
We have to remember that at this point in his ministry, even the 12 seemed to think that when he established the Kingdom of God, they would enjoy high ranking positions in his administration. So many failed to realize that Jesus was speaking of a spiritual kingdom, a heavenly kingdom, and not a worldly political subdivision. Although Matthew does not make this point clear, we might surmise that this man wanted to be part of what he erroneously perceived to be a glorious worldly kingdom that rivaled that of King David’s era. Whatever the case may be in this man’s situation, when we consider the rebuke Jesus gave him “Follow me; and let the dead bury their dead.” We can learn of another great cost in discipleship, the need to serve Jesus versus the need to serve our own agenda.
Finally we come to the third lesson. “Why are ye fearful, O ye of little faith?” We, as disciples of Christ, must always have faith, even in the face of danger.
Matthew Henry wrote: “His disciples followed him; the twelve kept close to him, when others staid behind upon the terra firma, where there was sure footing. Note, They, and they only, will be found the true disciples of Christ, that are willing to go to sea with him, to follow him into dangers and difficulties. Many would be content to go the land-way to heaven, that will rather stand still, or go back, than venture upon a dangerous sea; but those that would rest with Christ hereafter must follow him now wherever he leads them, into a ship or into a prison, as well as into a palace.”
Benediction
Almighty and most merciful God, grant that by the indwelling of your Holy Spirit we may be enlightened and strengthened for your service; through Jesus Christ our Lord, who lives and reigns with you, in the unity of the Holy Spirit, one God, now and for ever. Amen.
Thought for the Day:
The best thing to give to your enemy is forgiveness; to an opponent, tolerance; to a friend, your heart; to your child, a good example; to a father, deference; to your mother, conduct that will make her proud of you; to yourself, respect; to all others, charity.
Benjamin Franklin

Hello guys,
A brief background on myself - I'm a software engineer with more than 5 years of experience and have my hands in all engineering domains ranging from web to mobile to AI/ML integrations as well as devOps.
I have been taking customer calls as well, and my record has been pretty good me being technical and having a good hands on experience, closing majority of the customers i talk with.
Now, the company i work with (been here for almost 3 years) is an IT services provider and is relatively a startup [3.5 years in] with a head count of almost 120 people.
My manage founde mentor, who i have a pretty healthy relationship with, offered me a place in sales, and this is what his offer looks like -
I get 3% commission on all the sales i close, and i also have to manage resource allocation - providing the customer with required resources, jumping in on terms of technical fulfillments if the engineers get stuck since im senior and already a project manager and a lead, and lastly filling up our engineering bench and then scaling in terms of customers and engineers.
There is also a vesting period of 4 years where i get 2.5% ownership of the company - making me a have a seat on the table of the owners - partnership.
I feel like these are my prime years - me being 26 years old - and if i put this much heart and soul into my own work and build up a company while getting on what part of the pie the executives have offered.
Any advice, suggestion would be super helpful.
Cheers!

Problem description & analysis

There is an EMPLOYEE table in the database. The data is as follows:

EID	NAME	SURNAME	GENDER	STATE	BIRTHDAY	HIREDATE	DEPT
1	Rebecca	Moore	F	California	1974-11-20	2005-03-11	R&D
2	Ashley	Wilson	F	New York	1980-07-19	2008-03-16	Finance
3	Rachel	Johnson	F	New Mexico	1970-12-17	2010-12-01	Sales
4	Emily	Smith	F	Texas	1985-03-07	2006-08-15	HR
5	Ashley	Smith	F	Texas	1975-05-13	2004-07-30	R&D
6	Matthew	Johnson	M	California	1984-07-07	2005-07-07	Sales
7	Alexis	Smith	F	Illinois	1972-08-16	2002-08-16	Sales
8	Megan	Wilson	F	California	1979-04-19	1984-04-19	Marketing
9	Victoria	Davis	F	Texas	1983-12-07	2009-12-07	HR
10	Ryan	Johnson	M	Pennsylvania	1976-03-12	2006-03-12	R&D

We are trying to sort records in the table by EID in a specific order, which is [9,7,5,3, descending order for the rest]. The first four records corresponding to 9,7,5,3 will be passed in as parameters. Below is the desired result:

EID	NAME	SURNAME	GENDER	STATE	BIRTHDAY	HIREDATE	DEPT
9	Victoria	Davis	F	Texas	1983-12-07	2009-12-07	HR
7	Alexis	Smith	F	Illinois	1972-08-16	2002-08-16	Sales
5	Ashley	Smith	F	Texas	1975-05-13	2004-07-30	R&D
3	Rachel	Johnson	F	New Mexico	1970-12-17	2010-12-01	Sales
1	Rebecca	Moore	F	California	1974-11-20	2005-03-11	R&D
2	Ashley	Wilson	F	New York	1980-07-19	2008-03-16	Finance
4	Emily	Smith	F	Texas	1985-03-07	2006-08-15	HR
6	Matthew	Johnson	M	California	1984-07-07	2005-07-07	Sales
8	Megan	Wilson	F	California	1979-04-19	1984-04-19	Marketing
10	Ryan	Johnson	M	Pennsylvania	1976-03-12	2006-03-12	R&D

Solution

We write the following script p1.dfx in esProc:

	A
1	=connect("demo")
2	=A1.query@x("SELECT * FROM EMPLOYEE").sort(EID).align@as(eid.split@pc(),EID)

Explanation:
Set a script parameter eid, whose value is 9,7,5,3.
A1 Connect to the database named demo.
A2 Return query result as a table sequence and auto-close database connection when the query is finished. Sort the table sequence fist by EID then by the comma-separated sequence of numbers defined through parameter eid. Put the non-matching members at the end during the second sort.
Refer to How to Call an SPL Script in BIRT to learn about the method of integrating the SPL script with BIRT.

Dave Ray Masters was dead.
The popular but irascible author, 68, was a beloved icon of genre fiction. For decades, his western/horrothriller novels had flown off the shelves. The man had the output of Patterson with McCarthy's acclaim. People couldn't get enough of his stuff.
Rebecca and Guy never understood the hype.
Masters' latest editor and agent, the final turnovers in a career of defiance, worked with the Midwestern misanthrope just over a year but his difficult nature had aged the pair tenfold. Cranking out three books in that time span, the two had begged Masters to trim some of his infamous purple prose to net negative avail. Every time they protested a paragraph, he would assign three more adjectives to someone's beard and an egregious "fuck" for good measure.
"I don't even need you people," the ornery bastard often reminded them of the bonanza of sales he garnered. As far as DRM was concerned, everyone at the publisher was a failed writer who wanted to stick their talentless fingers in his award-winning soup.
For 30 years, Masters had been hard at work on his magnum opus; a far cry from his usual rapid fire sculpting. His attempted handlers dreaded the day he would plop down that manuscript that was sure to make War and Peace look like Chicka Chicka Boom Boom. However, now that the old git was dead, maybe they could rearrange it to cater to a more upscale demographic.
Swiping the rugged draft from the state university Masters bequeathed it to, Guy and Rebecca combed though the entirety of the 1300 pages. Well, about a half of a quarter of them. It was significantly more highbrow than his usual fare; autobiographical from the looks of it. In 15 months, this could be a Pulitzer winner.
"It's perfect," Rebecca decreed. "Well, almost."
The partners in crime spent every waking hour over the next few weeks tweaking the hardscrabble bard's scrawlings into a more Ivy League-compatible work. After adding a subplot about a horny college prof who didn't even exist in the aromantic original version, it was ready for the printers. The collaborators high-fived each other, proud of their work.
"Looks good," reviewed the deep drawl of an unsolicited beta reader with vested interest in the project. "But personally, I think there's a couple characters we can cut out."

I finally published for the first time. Not the first time I've finished a novel, but certainly the first time I have actively published one .. one that I've been a little proud of. I know it's a long process to get noticed, or even start to see some traction in sales & downloads, but how do you go about promoting your novel? I feel like I'm stuck. 😕
Beginning of chapter one below - if anyone would like to provide feedback that would be lovely. 🙂
[2,310] It began like a surreal haze, a fever dream dancing with unknown figures swirling around her like a languid tornado, their movements seemingly slowed by some unseen force as she awoke to a world spinning out of her control. She found herself surrounded by strangers who moved like spectres in a dream, fragmented flashes who assaulted her consciousness - a woman gently pressing a cloth to her throbbing head, another offering sips of water while she coughed and struggled to swallow, a man peering down at her with a furrowed brow, and a mysterious figure lingering in the doorway with an unsettling glint of desire in his eyes.
The room buzzed with a quiet urgency as they hovered around her, their faces etched with concern and something else she couldn't quite place - an undercurrent of tension that seemed to pulse in time with her own racing heart. These disjointed images flitted in and out, creating a mosaic of fragmented reality. Awake, her body throbbed with pain; asleep, she plunged into a black abyss, time slipping away unnoticed. Each awakening brought the desire for oblivion as her mind plunged back into the depths of darkness.
Beth jolted upright, startled by the sharp bang of a car backfiring. A cry of pain escaped her lips as she attempted to sit up, her back and legs resisting her will. A woman, the same from her fleeting visions, hurried into the room with a damp cloth and a glass of water.
"Easy now," the woman spoke gently, her mild Spanish accent adding warmth to her sharp words as she pressed the cloth to Beth's forehead and helped her sit up, "you're weak, rushing won't do you any favours. The sooner you regain strength, the sooner you can move."
A man, the one with the odd expression in her visions, appeared in the doorway once again; "and the sooner we can leave this place, I'm sick of it." He grumbled, striding away with urgency and frustration. His steps were heavy and fraught with agitation, each one seeming to leave a deep imprint on the ground beneath him. His grumbling was like distant thunder, punctuated by the clenching of his jaw and the tightening of his fists.
"Don't mind my brother," the woman interjected sharply, "it's not you - he hates everyone." Hate, Beth pondered, wondering what she might have done to earn his disdain.
"Are you hungry?" The woman stood, walking to the other side of the room to adjust another pillow behind Beth's back. Beth nodded; "I'll get you some soup."
Left alone, Beth surveyed the room - beige walls, a shattered TV, torn brown curtains. She squinted at the notepad on the side table, revealing the branding - Mill Village Motel Eatonville. The coffee pod machine at the room's far end, covered in dust, hinted at a neglected past.
"You're awake," startled, Beth turned to find the man with the furrowed brow at the door - tall and dark, with piercing brown eyes, he appeared softer now, "how are you feeling?" Beth managed a brief smile before adjusting herself, wincing in pain. He rushed to offer a hand, and she took his arm to shift as he adjusted the pillow.
"Want to give walking a try?" The man's warm, brown eyes crinkled at the edges as he smiled down at her, his features etched with concern, his furrowed brow now smooth and his brown eyes sparkled with an unfamiliar kindness.
She shook her head, and the woman returned with soup and water; "she needs to eat before attempting to walk, Austin," she said, setting the tray before Beth.
"Then we'll try again tomorrow," Austin expressed, heading towards the door, "the sooner we leave, the better - we've been here for too long." His footsteps echoed with determination and authority, less frustrated than the other man's but equally resolute.
"I apologise if it's cold. Heating options are limited here. Need a hand?" The woman offered. Beth shook her head, the pounding of her headache resonating through her body.
"Well I'll leave you to it then. Shout out if you need anything, if you can talk at all." Beth glanced down at her bowl of soup, parting her lips as if to speak, but no words escaped. A deep sigh escaped from the woman's mouth as she turned and left the room, leaving Beth alone with her cold, untouched meal. The silence in the room was deafening, broken only by the sound of muffed chatter outside.
The days stretched longer as Beth's need for rest diminished. Boredom and confusion settled in, intensifying as the people from her visions became tangible presences, moving in and out of her room. They attended to her needs but seldom engaged in conversation. At night, their muffled voices in the adjoining room became a distant comfort, and the faint echoes of their arguments a source of intrigue.
"We need to leave," a frustrated male voice pierced through the thin walls, "we have to head further south before winter traps us with little supplies and an extra mouth to feed - considering you're all so intent on keeping this girl alive."
"This woman," a familiar female voice retorted, likely the one who had been caring for her, "needed help - I distinctly remember a time when I wasn't doing well and needed it too."
"You're my sister, of course, I wasn't going to leave you behind."
"I'm not talking about you, Luis," she yelled, "I'm talking about before you came back from Minnesota and found me."
"Why can't we just leave her here with some supplies and a gun. Why do we need to bring her with us?"
"Jesus Christ Luis we're not leaving her here alone and you two can have it out later," intervened another man, "but Luis is right - we need to leave before the snow settles in."
The argument faded into muffled voices again, and Beth strained to catch the words exchanged between the trio. A knock at the door startled her.
"May I come in?" A young girl, the same from her visions, had opened the door quietly without her even noticing. "I thought the yelling might have woken you." Beth nodded, maintaining her silence.
"I'm Chantelle." Her soft Southern accent flowed like a gentle breeze through a cornfield. She pulled up a chair beside the bed. "Luis can get into it with everybody, but he means well. Well, no, that's a lie. I don't know why I said that. He's a dick."
"I gathered," Beth whispered and laughed a little, suddenly overtaken by a violent cough.
Chantelle rushed to hand her water; "so, you do speak. From the way Austin and Val were sayin' it, it sounded like you were mute. I thought, you couldn't be deaf because you've been nodding and smiling like a dang puppet."
Beth laughed and took another sip; "I didn't really have anything worth saying until now. No one has bothered to make conversation."
"Your accent, where are you from?" Chantelle sat down on the wooden chair, her long dark hair cascading down her back in gentle curls. Her bright brown eyes sparkled with kindness as she looked towards Beth.
"Australia," Beth paused, realising she hadn't thought about home for a while, "I'm from Australia," she repeated.
Chantelle pulled out a deck of cards; "well, I figured you might be bored and needed a little human interaction that didn't make you feel like you were in a hospital."
Beth's eyes lit up, and Chantelle smiled; "what do you want to play?"
— — —
"What do you think you are doing?" Austin stormed into the motel room.
"We're leaving. Today," Luis' words cut through the air.
"The van's still in bad shape, and we won't survive this winter on foot." Austin's arms were folded tightly across his chest, the muscles in his biceps and forearms bulging with tension. His jaw was clenched, and his brows furrowed in frustration.
"Then fix the damn van!" Luis yelled, the sound piercing through the walls and resonating outside the motel room for others to hear the heated exchange.
"Oh, sorry, I'll just take it down the road to the mechanic, shall I?" Austin raised a quizzical eyebrow, smirking at his friend. The men paused their argument, exchanging laughter.
"Luis, what's going on with you?" Austin softened his tone, taking a seat on the other bed. "We've been friends since high school, grew up together, served in the army together. This isn't you."
"I don't know, man." Luis sat on the other bed, facing his friend, his face buried in his hands. He rubbed his face hard, threw his head back, and sighed heavily. "This just isn't—" he paused.
"Isn't what?"
"Isn't life." Luis gestured around the room.
"We'll get to the coast, find a boat, just like we planned." There was a slight taste of bitterness in the air, as if Austin's mild frustration was tangible.
"And then what?"
"Do the best we can," Austin stood up, placing a hand on his friend's shoulder, "we all have our dark moments, brother. You helped me get through mine, I'll help you get through yours."
Austin walked out of the motel room into the crisp morning air. The atmosphere was fresh, with a subtle scent of dew and grass. The sweet aroma of winter's imminent arrival filled the air, mingling with the faint scent of burning oil from their broken down van across the parking lot.
"Ben thinks he can fix the van by tomorrow. He found the parts we need on the other side of town." Val caught Austin as he had walked outside.
"He went scouting alone?" Austin looked across the lot at Ben, deep into the hood of the black church van they had found a while back.
Chantelle bounded up before she could answer; "Beth seems much better today. She's eatin' and drinkin' more. I think she could try walkin' today."
"Beth?" Val and Austin remarked in unison.
"Mmm, she speaks - she might have a lot more to say if either of you bothered to converse with her instead of just talkin' to her." She walked off towards Ben, a light air in her hopeful stride.
— — —
Austin found Beth sitting on the edge of her bed, her feet bare and dangling idly over the side. Her toes were curled, squeezing them tightly as she wiggled them back and forth. Her face was tense with concentration as she tried to alleviate the tingling sensation in her feet.
"Beth." His voice was soothing and calming, his words spoken with a gentle tone as he tried to ease Beth's discomfort.
"Chantelle?" She looked up at him, as he nodded, smiling gently. "She's a good kid." She smiled and looked back at her toes.
"Do you want to try walking today?" He walked towards the chair on the other side of the room and sat down as it creaked underneath the weight of him.
"The sooner I can walk, the sooner you can get out of here." She said with a sarcastic air, mocking Luis.
"The sooner we can get out of here." He repeated sarcastically with a smile, a light spread of jest washing over him as he joined her in mocking his friend.
"Your friend Luis seems to be very against bringing me along with you." She looked back at him.
"I'm not in the business of leaving people behind. Especially in Washington in the middle of October," he sat forward, leaning his elbows on his knees, "you wouldn't survive the winter."
"Then maybe you should have just left me to die." She turned her body to face him abruptly. He opened his mouth to speak, but she interjected before he could respond.
"Why did you help me? You don't know me, why did you even bother?"
"Like I said, Beth," he stood up, his wistful tone switching back to cold and dry, "I'm not in the business of leaving people behind." He walked over to her slowly.
"I've lost too many people. I've watched people kill others over a can of soup. I've seen friends leave friends behind to save themselves," he sat down on the end of her bed, "I don't leave people behind."
His brown eyes cut through his words like a thunderstorm. She looked at his face, tired and weathered from sleepless nights with one eye open to ensure his group's safety. She pegged him as their leader - strong and determined with clear military training.
"What happened to you?" She asked softly.
"What happened to you?" He countered; "I refuse to believe you survived a pandemic alone for six months in a foreign country."
She said nothing and looked back at her feet. They sat in silence for a while before he stood up and headed for the door.
"We're leaving the day after tomorrow. We need to head south before it's too cold, and we don't know how long the van or the car will last, so part of that might be on foot."
"I'll try walking today." Beth nodded obediently.
"I'll send Val and Chantelle in to help you." He replied, his voice maintaining the cold cadency.
"Thank you." She smiled, wriggling her toes as the numbness started to dissipate. Before he could leave, she looked up at him again.
"Austin?" He stopped at the door and turned to her. "I know you've all done a lot for me, including putting your friendship with Luis on the line, so thank you. But I have a favour to ask," her voice grew quiet, "before we leave."
"What is it?" He asked sternly at her audacity to ask for another favour.
She looked up at him with tears in her eyes. He noticed her green eyes glisten with the added layer of acridity and the change in her demeanour; "before we leave, I need you to help me bury my husband."

I finally published for the first time. Not the first time I've finished a novel, but certainly the first time I have actively published one .. one that I've been a little proud of. I know it's a long process to get noticed, or even start to see some traction in sales & downloads, but how do you go about promoting your novel? I feel like I'm stuck. 😕
Beginning of chapter one below - if anyone would like to provide feedback that would be lovely. 🙂
[2,310] It began like a surreal haze, a fever dream dancing with unknown figures swirling around her like a languid tornado, their movements seemingly slowed by some unseen force as she awoke to a world spinning out of her control. She found herself surrounded by strangers who moved like spectres in a dream, fragmented flashes who assaulted her consciousness - a woman gently pressing a cloth to her throbbing head, another offering sips of water while she coughed and struggled to swallow, a man peering down at her with a furrowed brow, and a mysterious figure lingering in the doorway with an unsettling glint of desire in his eyes.
The room buzzed with a quiet urgency as they hovered around her, their faces etched with concern and something else she couldn't quite place - an undercurrent of tension that seemed to pulse in time with her own racing heart. These disjointed images flitted in and out, creating a mosaic of fragmented reality. Awake, her body throbbed with pain; asleep, she plunged into a black abyss, time slipping away unnoticed. Each awakening brought the desire for oblivion as her mind plunged back into the depths of darkness.
Beth jolted upright, startled by the sharp bang of a car backfiring. A cry of pain escaped her lips as she attempted to sit up, her back and legs resisting her will. A woman, the same from her fleeting visions, hurried into the room with a damp cloth and a glass of water.
"Easy now," the woman spoke gently, her mild Spanish accent adding warmth to her sharp words as she pressed the cloth to Beth's forehead and helped her sit up, "you're weak, rushing won't do you any favours. The sooner you regain strength, the sooner you can move."
A man, the one with the odd expression in her visions, appeared in the doorway once again; "and the sooner we can leave this place, I'm sick of it." He grumbled, striding away with urgency and frustration. His steps were heavy and fraught with agitation, each one seeming to leave a deep imprint on the ground beneath him. His grumbling was like distant thunder, punctuated by the clenching of his jaw and the tightening of his fists.
"Don't mind my brother," the woman interjected sharply, "it's not you - he hates everyone." Hate, Beth pondered, wondering what she might have done to earn his disdain.
"Are you hungry?" The woman stood, walking to the other side of the room to adjust another pillow behind Beth's back. Beth nodded; "I'll get you some soup."
Left alone, Beth surveyed the room - beige walls, a shattered TV, torn brown curtains. She squinted at the notepad on the side table, revealing the branding - Mill Village Motel Eatonville. The coffee pod machine at the room's far end, covered in dust, hinted at a neglected past.
"You're awake," startled, Beth turned to find the man with the furrowed brow at the door - tall and dark, with piercing brown eyes, he appeared softer now, "how are you feeling?" Beth managed a brief smile before adjusting herself, wincing in pain. He rushed to offer a hand, and she took his arm to shift as he adjusted the pillow.
"Want to give walking a try?" The man's warm, brown eyes crinkled at the edges as he smiled down at her, his features etched with concern, his furrowed brow now smooth and his brown eyes sparkled with an unfamiliar kindness.
She shook her head, and the woman returned with soup and water; "she needs to eat before attempting to walk, Austin," she said, setting the tray before Beth.
"Then we'll try again tomorrow," Austin expressed, heading towards the door, "the sooner we leave, the better - we've been here for too long." His footsteps echoed with determination and authority, less frustrated than the other man's but equally resolute.
"I apologise if it's cold. Heating options are limited here. Need a hand?" The woman offered. Beth shook her head, the pounding of her headache resonating through her body.
"Well I'll leave you to it then. Shout out if you need anything, if you can talk at all." Beth glanced down at her bowl of soup, parting her lips as if to speak, but no words escaped. A deep sigh escaped from the woman's mouth as she turned and left the room, leaving Beth alone with her cold, untouched meal. The silence in the room was deafening, broken only by the sound of muffed chatter outside.
The days stretched longer as Beth's need for rest diminished. Boredom and confusion settled in, intensifying as the people from her visions became tangible presences, moving in and out of her room. They attended to her needs but seldom engaged in conversation. At night, their muffled voices in the adjoining room became a distant comfort, and the faint echoes of their arguments a source of intrigue.
"We need to leave," a frustrated male voice pierced through the thin walls, "we have to head further south before winter traps us with little supplies and an extra mouth to feed - considering you're all so intent on keeping this girl alive."
"This woman," a familiar female voice retorted, likely the one who had been caring for her, "needed help - I distinctly remember a time when I wasn't doing well and needed it too."
"You're my sister, of course, I wasn't going to leave you behind."
"I'm not talking about you, Luis," she yelled, "I'm talking about before you came back from Minnesota and found me."
"Why can't we just leave her here with some supplies and a gun. Why do we need to bring her with us?"
"Jesus Christ Luis we're not leaving her here alone and you two can have it out later," intervened another man, "but Luis is right - we need to leave before the snow settles in."
The argument faded into muffled voices again, and Beth strained to catch the words exchanged between the trio. A knock at the door startled her.
"May I come in?" A young girl, the same from her visions, had opened the door quietly without her even noticing. "I thought the yelling might have woken you." Beth nodded, maintaining her silence.
"I'm Chantelle." Her soft Southern accent flowed like a gentle breeze through a cornfield. She pulled up a chair beside the bed. "Luis can get into it with everybody, but he means well. Well, no, that's a lie. I don't know why I said that. He's a dick."
"I gathered," Beth whispered and laughed a little, suddenly overtaken by a violent cough.
Chantelle rushed to hand her water; "so, you do speak. From the way Austin and Val were sayin' it, it sounded like you were mute. I thought, you couldn't be deaf because you've been nodding and smiling like a dang puppet."
Beth laughed and took another sip; "I didn't really have anything worth saying until now. No one has bothered to make conversation."
"Your accent, where are you from?" Chantelle sat down on the wooden chair, her long dark hair cascading down her back in gentle curls. Her bright brown eyes sparkled with kindness as she looked towards Beth.
"Australia," Beth paused, realising she hadn't thought about home for a while, "I'm from Australia," she repeated.
Chantelle pulled out a deck of cards; "well, I figured you might be bored and needed a little human interaction that didn't make you feel like you were in a hospital."
Beth's eyes lit up, and Chantelle smiled; "what do you want to play?"
— — —
"What do you think you are doing?" Austin stormed into the motel room.
"We're leaving. Today," Luis' words cut through the air.
"The van's still in bad shape, and we won't survive this winter on foot." Austin's arms were folded tightly across his chest, the muscles in his biceps and forearms bulging with tension. His jaw was clenched, and his brows furrowed in frustration.
"Then fix the damn van!" Luis yelled, the sound piercing through the walls and resonating outside the motel room for others to hear the heated exchange.
"Oh, sorry, I'll just take it down the road to the mechanic, shall I?" Austin raised a quizzical eyebrow, smirking at his friend. The men paused their argument, exchanging laughter.
"Luis, what's going on with you?" Austin softened his tone, taking a seat on the other bed. "We've been friends since high school, grew up together, served in the army together. This isn't you."
"I don't know, man." Luis sat on the other bed, facing his friend, his face buried in his hands. He rubbed his face hard, threw his head back, and sighed heavily. "This just isn't—" he paused.
"Isn't what?"
"Isn't life." Luis gestured around the room.
"We'll get to the coast, find a boat, just like we planned." There was a slight taste of bitterness in the air, as if Austin's mild frustration was tangible.
"And then what?"
"Do the best we can," Austin stood up, placing a hand on his friend's shoulder, "we all have our dark moments, brother. You helped me get through mine, I'll help you get through yours."
Austin walked out of the motel room into the crisp morning air. The atmosphere was fresh, with a subtle scent of dew and grass. The sweet aroma of winter's imminent arrival filled the air, mingling with the faint scent of burning oil from their broken down van across the parking lot.
"Ben thinks he can fix the van by tomorrow. He found the parts we need on the other side of town." Val caught Austin as he had walked outside.
"He went scouting alone?" Austin looked across the lot at Ben, deep into the hood of the black church van they had found a while back.
Chantelle bounded up before she could answer; "Beth seems much better today. She's eatin' and drinkin' more. I think she could try walkin' today."
"Beth?" Val and Austin remarked in unison.
"Mmm, she speaks - she might have a lot more to say if either of you bothered to converse with her instead of just talkin' to her." She walked off towards Ben, a light air in her hopeful stride.
— — —
Austin found Beth sitting on the edge of her bed, her feet bare and dangling idly over the side. Her toes were curled, squeezing them tightly as she wiggled them back and forth. Her face was tense with concentration as she tried to alleviate the tingling sensation in her feet.
"Beth." His voice was soothing and calming, his words spoken with a gentle tone as he tried to ease Beth's discomfort.
"Chantelle?" She looked up at him, as he nodded, smiling gently. "She's a good kid." She smiled and looked back at her toes.
"Do you want to try walking today?" He walked towards the chair on the other side of the room and sat down as it creaked underneath the weight of him.
"The sooner I can walk, the sooner you can get out of here." She said with a sarcastic air, mocking Luis.
"The sooner we can get out of here." He repeated sarcastically with a smile, a light spread of jest washing over him as he joined her in mocking his friend.
"Your friend Luis seems to be very against bringing me along with you." She looked back at him.
"I'm not in the business of leaving people behind. Especially in Washington in the middle of October," he sat forward, leaning his elbows on his knees, "you wouldn't survive the winter."
"Then maybe you should have just left me to die." She turned her body to face him abruptly. He opened his mouth to speak, but she interjected before he could respond.
"Why did you help me? You don't know me, why did you even bother?"
"Like I said, Beth," he stood up, his wistful tone switching back to cold and dry, "I'm not in the business of leaving people behind." He walked over to her slowly.
"I've lost too many people. I've watched people kill others over a can of soup. I've seen friends leave friends behind to save themselves," he sat down on the end of her bed, "I don't leave people behind."
His brown eyes cut through his words like a thunderstorm. She looked at his face, tired and weathered from sleepless nights with one eye open to ensure his group's safety. She pegged him as their leader - strong and determined with clear military training.
"What happened to you?" She asked softly.
"What happened to you?" He countered; "I refuse to believe you survived a pandemic alone for six months in a foreign country."
She said nothing and looked back at her feet. They sat in silence for a while before he stood up and headed for the door.
"We're leaving the day after tomorrow. We need to head south before it's too cold, and we don't know how long the van or the car will last, so part of that might be on foot."
"I'll try walking today." Beth nodded obediently.
"I'll send Val and Chantelle in to help you." He replied, his voice maintaining the cold cadency.
"Thank you." She smiled, wriggling her toes as the numbness started to dissipate. Before he could leave, she looked up at him again.
"Austin?" He stopped at the door and turned to her. "I know you've all done a lot for me, including putting your friendship with Luis on the line, so thank you. But I have a favour to ask," her voice grew quiet, "before we leave."
"What is it?" He asked sternly at her audacity to ask for another favour.
She looked up at him with tears in her eyes. He noticed her green eyes glisten with the added layer of acridity and the change in her demeanour; "before we leave, I need you to help me bury my husband."

To start things off, I was always aware of our age gap and problems it may cause in our relationship.
My husband and I didn't meet until I was well into being eighteen, and he was twenty-eight. It didn't bother me much, as he doesn't act much older than me and I'd always felt older than I was due to having a ton of younger siblings, step siblings, and foster kids in and out of my mother's house growing up.
We got engaged when I was nineteen at a yungblood concert, and we originally planned to wait to marry until I was at least twenty. Plans changed when I decided to go into the air force, and we had to push up the wedding in order for him to eventually stay with me on base after basic training.
Fast forward a few months after we were married and I had left for Texas for training, I was injured during PT training and sent home. It was during the craziest parts of covid, so everything was on lockdown and they had strict rules about not keeping anyone on base for a long period of time if injured. I was medically discharged and sent home to heal and have potential surgery.
At the time, my husband was staying with his friend in the city we planned to move to. We already put down a deposit on an apartment when we found out I was going home, but due to Covid restrictions and eviction restrictions, it was returned to us and we were told we could no longer move in.
The first issue I was seeing when I got home was his disattention to me. I was gone for over a month and missed celebrating my twentieth birthday with anyone but the girls in medhold with me, so I was looking forward to spending quality time with my husband.
We went out to eat with his friend, his friend's girlfriend, and one of her friends. I felt like a fifth wheel during the meal, as I was sat at the end of the table instead of being at my husband's side where her friend was sitting. Most of the conversations didn't include me, and I ended up going back to his friend's place feeling let down.
The rest of the time we were staying with his friend, they wanted all of us to go mountain climbing, cliff jumping, and trekking through the woods as they lived in a nature-centered part of the area. (Keep in mind, I was just sent home for being injured, and I had both a knee and ankle brace on my right leg that prevented much movement other than some hobbled walking that was slower than a normal pace).
When I expressed that I wasn't comfortable doing those things and that I wouldn't be jumping thirty feet into a freezing lake when I could barely walk as it is, my husband got upset with me and eventually just left me there alone while they all went to hang out together.
Flash forward four years, it is now 2024 and we have a two-year-old toddler. I didn't end up getting surgery, and I spent nine months being sicker than I'd ever been in my life.
It was a really rough pregnancy for me, and I'd ended up in the hospital multiple times because I couldn't even smell food or step foot into our kitchen without throwing up.
That all went on until the beginning of my third trimester. We decided to travel back to his friend's place, and I was somehow roped into climbing cliffs, wading through treacherous water to climb another cliff on an island out in the middle of a lake, and sleep at the top of sand dunes in a tent on the ground a couple weeks before my due date.
I was then on antibiotics during birth, because my water broke and the hospital sent me home instead of keeping me. My son was born sick, and transferred to a children's hospital to be treated and receive a spinal tap. I ended up sleeping a week in a hard hospital chair in a leaking basement of the hospital because they didn't have enough space for us.
After we were home and everything was settled, my husband would brag about how difficult the whole situation was for him. He had to sleep on a futon during my labour, and he had to have food doordashed to the hospital because, due to covid restrictions, noone else was allowed in with us and he wasn't allowed to leave to get anything.
He ended up having steak, potatoes, and these other elaborate meals delivered to eat in front of me while I wasn't allowed to eat anything until the baby came out. He even thought about bringing his playstation into the hospital room, but I shut that down quickly.
The first year of my son's life, I went back and forth between staying home with him and working in the factory my husband currently works at while my grandma watched our son.
I won't get into too much detail, but at one point when my grandma moved back out of state (she lives in her camper and was only there for the summer), I had to switch to the afternoon shift.
There is a factory supervisor on that shift that is a male and close to my husband's age. Other than the other person in my same position and two maintenance workers, they only had migrant workers that didn't speak english. This limited the people I could talk to while working my twelve hour shifts (husband worked 3:30 am to 3:30 pm and I would work 3:30 pm to 3:30 am).
My husband got very jealous and territorial at this time. He would expect me to return nearly thirty minutes late from all my breaks, threaten to go up there if anyone told me I couldn't do that, and even punched a hole in the wall when I told him I had to get back to work.
Up until that point, my husband had shown no signs of aggression toward me.
Somehow, a rumour started to spread around the factory that I was sleeping with the production lead. This definitely wasn't true as a) how and where would I have done that? and b) I loved my husband and would have never done something like that.
My husband heard about it, and came home to confront me. He got in my face, screaming and calling me a cheater. He threatened to take our son and move back in with his mom without even letting me offer an explanation or defend myself.
To this day, it still bothers me that he is still so convinced that I cheated on him and that he has no trust in me whatsoever to not do something like that.
I ended up leaving that job and working at mcdonalds for a little while. I had worked there in high school, so it wasn't a big adjustment.
I only ended up staying there a few months to help us catch up on bills before we agreed it would be better for me to stay home with our son for a while.
Our son is two now, and it seems like our relationship has only become more strained. We used to be able to communicate most of our smaller issues and come up with ways to maneuver whatever issues we had. However, in June of last year, my husband's friend that we were staying with in the beginning moved across the state to be near us.
It was all fine and good in the beginning. He had proposed to his girlfriend, and they even asked the both of us to be in their wedding that has yet to happen.
However, once they got engaged, he'd began acting very sexist. Even though both he and his fiance work full time (he works down the road at the factory with my fiance, and she works forty minutes away at a hardware store and has to drive a long way at three in the morning to get there), he expects her to come home and clean up after him, also cook his meals before she goes to bed early to get up really early in the morning for work the next day.
My husband, now hanging out with him more often, started having some of these things wearing off on him.
At first, it wasn't a big deal and I brushed it off. However, I'd gotten a job as a property manager for an apartment complex and also work now. Instead of things changing to adapt our new lifestyle, my husband expects me to continue keeping up with all the chores and cooking.
He'd made a comment that, because he feeds our dogs, he expects me just to do everything that involves our toddler from feeding him, to changing his butt, to putting him to bed at night. It's like pulling teeth sometimes to get him to change his butt or even get pants on him.
We'd gotten into an argument over this, and I told him that it wasn't fair that he expected me to do everything. His response was that he made more money and worked more hours, so it was only fair that I covered everything else.
Sure, I don't work as much or make as much money, and my paychecks mainly cover our son's daycare and our car payments, but I feel like working doesn't excuse him from helping with the son we both decided to have.
It's gotten to the point where I told my husband that if any sexist remark is made, like I should be in the kitchen helping get dinner ready whenever we're at his friend's house, I will be leaving and going back home, and I won't be going back until it is resolved.
The friend's fiance and I have had private conversations about this, and we both agree that it has gotten out of hand, and we both believe they are feeding off each other as they'd never been that bad before.
Everything has only seemed to get worse from there.
We decided to go as a group, along with my brother and his girlfriend, to the draft in Detroit this year.
The whole point was to see players get drafted in person, and we'd managed to get into the crowd in front of the stage before the area was shut down and they weren't allowing anyone else in.
My brother is an avid football fan. He played in high school, and was even offered multiple scholarships to play in college. This was a once in a lifetime experience for the both of us.
At one point, my husband and his friend decided that they would rather stand at one of the screens out of the crowd and watch it instead of trying to get into the sea of people to see it live.
I was frustrated, and expressed that if we wanted to watch it on television that we should have just stayed home. After a heated argument, I thought we'd come to the agreement that we'd go back to the stage and watch it there.
My brother lead us through the crowd, and at the beginning my husband and his friend were following us. Somehow, we'd gotten separated and when I looked back once we found a spot to stand, they were gone.
My phone rang in my pocket, and when I picked it up it was my husband calling. As soon as I picked it up, he proceeded to scream at me for disappearing and called me a "stupid bitch" when I tried to explain that I thought they were following us.
He hung up, and I told my brother I was going to go look for them alone. I spent a good twenty minutes wandering the area that was barricaded, but they were nowhere to be found. I no longer had signal to get ahold of him, so I ended up just going back and watching the beginning of the draft with my brother.
By the eighth pick, texts started to come in from my husband. He had informed me that they all left, leaving the three of us alone. Luckily, I'd driven separate as I left work early to get there.
By that point, I was done with him. I felt disrespected and that hanging out with his friend was more important than making sure his wife was okay or even with him. After all, I was wandering downtown Detroit alone when it was starting to get dark out.
When the three of us inevitably got back to the car, I got ahold of my husband just to let him know we were on our way home. He tried to apologise and ask how everything was, but I was too exhausted and mad at him to try and hold a conversation. He was asleep by the time I got home, and I ended up sleeping in our spare bedroom on a futon.
The next day, my husband tried to act like nothing happened. When I expressed that I felt ignored and pretty much useless to him, he tried to play it off like his anger was warranted and completely ignored the fact that he was calling me names.
I told him that I was no longer going to any big events with him and his friend, and he just rolled his eyes like he didn't believe me.
A day later, I saw a message pop up on his phone from his friend. I guess he had told him what I said about not going anywhere anymore, and his friend said "women" with an eyeroll emoji and "she'll get over it eventually". I screenshotted these messages and sent them to myself, filing them away in a folder in my phone to keep for later.
I slept in our spare bedroom for a week after that.
After the draft, I've also kept notes in my phone with time and date stamps of all the times he went off on me since then. Whenever we get into arguments, my mind goes blank and I forget exact things like this so he likes to say it never happened if I can't remember it.
April 27th, we were sitting watching videos together on tiktok. When someone popular came on that he had been watching a lot recently, I exclaimed that I didn't understand how he got popular all of a sudden. He proceeded to get really agitated and yell at me for not understanding how the internet works. When I stood up to walk away because I was upset, this angered him more. He then expressed that my emotions were overrated and that he was sick of them.
May 2nd, I had gotten home from work and tried to show my husband an outdoor jungle gym on amazon that I thought would be cool to get our son. He claimed it was a waste of money and that we should just take him to the park. When I tried to explain that it was a better idea to get something like this, as realistically we wouldn't take him to the park every day, he freaked out and asked what was wrong with me. He then said "oh my god" when I tried to explain that it would be easier to watch him outside while getting stuff done around the house and decided to just go to bed without dinner and end the conversation completely.
May 5th, we went with his friend and fiance to a cinco de may party in the city. He was drinking most of the day, and on the way home he wanted us to stop some place and get ice cream. When he got out of the car, he hit it against the car next to us. When I told him he'd hit the car, he proceeded to yell at me in the crowd that I was crazy and acting like my mother. He then kept trying to go to the woman in the car and ask if he had, in fact, hit her car. After, he said he was done with me and I was on my own, that I would have to start paying my own bills from now on.
There's been many other entries in my notes similar to this, and I feel like I'm at the end of what I can handle. Divorce has crossed my mind, but I had divorced parents growing up and know how hard it would be on my son. I also don't think I'm in a well off financial position to go out on my own with our son and still provide the things he needs.
I also worry that, if we were to separate, he would push to take our son from me as he'd threatened in the past to do so.
Any advice would be helpful, as I don't know what else to do. Even getting this all off my chest online makes me feel a little better, but there's still the lingering thought in the back of my mind that I'm unhappy and don't know how much longer I can put up with this.
Thank you.