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The Purpose of Life for Man

One of the most direct verses on the subject of "the meaning (or purpose) of (human) life" in the Bible can be found in Revelation:

"Thou art worthy, O Lord, to receive glory and honour and power: for thou hast created all things, and for thy pleasure they are and were created."-Revelation 4:11

This, of course, should prompt us to ask what exactly does God take pleasure in?
Conversely, what doesn't He take pleasure in?

"Wherewith shall I come before the Lord, and bow myself before the high God? shall I come before him with burnt offerings, with calves of a year old? Will the Lord be pleased with thousands of rams, or with ten thousands of rivers of oil? shall I give my firstborn for my transgression, the fruit of my body for the sin of my soul? He hath shewed thee, O man, what is good; and what doth the Lord require of thee, but to do justly, and to love mercy, and to walk humbly with thy God?"-Micah 6:6-8

God does not take pleasure in mere outward religiosity and ritual, but rather finds honest acts of love towards Him and others as more important when pertaining to our fulfillment of what God expects from us as His creation. God takes great pleasure in us doing justice, loving mercy, and walking humbly with Him. This is what He requires of us. In other words...

"Let us hear the conclusion of the whole matter: Fear God, and keep his commandments: for this is the whole duty of man. For God shall bring every work into judgment, with every secret thing, whether it be good, or whether it be evil."-Ecclesiastes 12:13-14

The Book of Ecclesiastes is an existential treatise on the futility of finding any meaning or fulfillment in life apart from God. In it, "the Preacher" (or "Teacher" in some translations) explores the limits of human experiences which may provide meaning or fulfillment in this life before the author of the book inevitably concludes that the only thing we can do that has any kind of meaning or permanence in the end is fearing God and keeping His commandments. The reason for this is because the march of time and our own mortality effectively make most human endeavors hevel. The Hebrew word "hevel" is translated as vanity in the King James.
The following is taken from BibleProject:

In Hebrew, hevel literally refers to “vapor” or “smoke.” The teacher uses this word 38 times throughout the book of Ecclesiastes as a metaphor to describe how life is temporary and fleeting, like a wisp of smoke, but also how life is an enigma or paradox. Smoke appears solid, but when you try to grab it, it’s like nothing is there.

[...]

The author’s basic goal is to target all of the ways we try to build meaning and purpose in life apart from God and then let the teacher deconstruct them. The author thinks that people spend most of their time investing energy and emotion in things that ultimately have no lasting meaning or significance. And so he allows the teacher to give us a reality check.

The Preacher gives us a "reality check" by demonstrating how time and death effectively make things like scientific and artistic discovery (1:10-11), mirth (2:1), alcohol (2:3), architecture (2:4), amassing property (2:7-8), and luxury (2:8) all hevel. Materialism and hedonism fail to fulfill, and though wisdom and righteousness are acknowledged by the preacher to be advantageous, the righteous and wise are still often victims of injustice and unfairness in the world while the wicked get to prosper and have longevity at times (1:13-18). Generally, your life will probably be better by living in the wisdom given in Proverbs (Ecc. 7:11-12; 9:13-18), but it's no guarantee that you will have a good life as bad things still happen to good people, and good things still happen to bad people. This isn't entirely "hevel" but it's confusing and disorienting because things don't always work out the way we think they should in this life.
Again, from BibleProject:

So what’s the way forward in the midst of all this hevel? Paradoxically, the teacher discovers that the key to truly enjoying life is accepting hevel, acknowledging that everything in your life is totally out of your control. About six different times, at the bleakest moments in his dialogue, the teacher suddenly talks about “the gift of God,” which is the enjoyment of the simple, good things in life such as friendship, family, a good meal, or a sunny day.
You and I can’t control the most important things in our lives. Nothing is guaranteed, and, strangely, that’s the beauty of it. When I adopt a posture of complete trust in God, it frees me to simply enjoy life as I actually experience it and not as I think it ought to be. In the end, even my expectations about life, my hopes and dreams, are all “hevel, hevel. Everything under the sun is hevel.”
The teacher’s words come to an end, and the author takes over, bringing the book to a close. He says that it is very important to hear what the teacher has to say. He likens the teacher’s words to a shepherd’s staff with a goad, a pointy end that will hurt when it pokes you. But that pain can ultimately steer you in the right direction towards greater wisdom.
The author warns us not to take the teacher’s words too far. You can spend your entire life buried in books trying to answer the existential puzzles of human life. Don’t exhaust yourself, he says. You’ll never get there. Instead, the author offers his own conclusion that we should “fear God and keep his commands; this is the whole duty of humans. For God will bring every deed into judgment, every hidden thing, whether good or evil” (Ec. 12:13-14).

Fearing the Lord doesn’t guarantee success in this life, but it is the right thing to do, and ultimately God will clear the "hevel" and bring His justice on all we have done. Therefore, we ought to keep God's commandments.
Through Jesus, we see the Bible clearing the confusion many have, and still have, about God's commandments and what exactly they are (in essence, at least):

"Jesus said unto him, Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind. This is the first and great commandment. And the second is like unto it, Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself. On these two commandments hang all the law and the prophets."-Matthew 22:37-40

The apostle Paul puts it like this:

"For all the law is fulfilled in one word, even in this; Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself."-Galatians 5:14

The apostle John, like this:

"And we have known and believed the love that God hath to us. God is love; and he that dwelleth in love dwelleth in God, and God in him."-1 John 4:16

In other words, the first and second greatest commandments can be seen as inextricably intertwined, as one cannot truly love God without loving their fellow man, and vice versa.
So, to put it bluntly, the meaning, or purpose, of (human) life according to the Bible is simply love.

"What Does It Mean to Love Biblically?"

But, what exactly is love anyway? We know that, according to the apostle John, God is love. But, what does that mean exactly?
The ancient Greeks had anywhere between four and eight different words for love (depending on the source):

• Storge: affection
  
• Philia or Phileo: friendship
  
• Eros: sexual, erotic
  
• Agape: unconditional, divine, selfless
  
• Ludus: flirtatious, playful, casual, uncommitted
  
• Pragma: committed, long-standing
  
• Philautia: self-love
  
• Mania: obsessive, possessive, addictive, dependent
  

The word translated as "charity" in the KJV's rendering of 1st Corinthians 13 is agape. A more accurate translation of the word would be "love," more specifically, the love of God. In this passage, Paul talks about the importance of having this kind of love for others compared to all the things we might typically obsess over concerning the things of God. Even things like charity to the poor itself, if not motivated by agape, does not impress God! Our motivations and heart matter to God just as much, if not more, than our actions themselves.
This is what the Bible defines as true love, or at least, is the kind of love it's most concerned about.
In order to demonstrate to another that we love them, we sacrifice something. For God, He sent His only begotten Son to die for our sins (John 3:16). For Jesus, he sacrificed himself to save us from our sins:

"Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends."-John 15:13

In essence, true love is self-sacrifice. Putting others before ourselves is the greatest kind of sacrifice.
God didn't have to send His Son, but He did. Jesus didn't have to accept the mission, but he did.
God loves you, and Jesus loves you.
We demonstrate to others that we love them by sacrificing our wants and desires for them. These sacrifices can range from really small, to really big. Loving others is a daily practice of making greater and greater sacrifices.

“You can will to love people. Love is not a feeling. Love is a willing, and the Lord says to love people. He did not mean [to merely] feel love for them” — A.W. Tozer

A stumbling block for many in their walk with God is the inability to love one's enemies and to love unlovable people as Jesus did. It’s difficult for us to show love to people we don’t feel love for; to people we despise or dislike. We also tend to struggle with extending grace and mercy to those who’ve hurt us. I myself often wonder whether I am even capable of loving everyone the way Jesus does.
As I grow in my faith, I realize it’s not that I’m incapable of loving like Jesus; I’m just not always willing to. My unwillingness to love indicates that I am unwittingly adopting the worldly view of love, which is based on feelings and merit. I am choosing not to love people I feel are underserving of my love. The more I study Scripture, though, the more I realize Biblical love is not a feeling or an emotion; it’s a decision. It is an action, and it’s sacrificial. It’s not something you feel; it is, again, something you practice.

“Biblical love is a choice to do good for another person regardless of what we feel. It is a decision to compassionately and righteously pursue the betterment of another person. This is why you can even love your enemies according to Christ’s command.” — Tony Evans

Jesus commands us to love the Lord our God with all our heart, soul, mind and strength (Mark 12:30). He also said, “A new commandment I give unto you, That ye love one another; as I have loved you, that ye also love one another” (John 13:34). Since the Lord commands us to love, that means it is within our power to do so; therefore, love is a decision we make. Although feelings will accompany love, it’s not an emotion; it’s the decision to love regardless of how we feel.
As believers, we’re taught to love our enemies, and do good to those who hate us, and if anyone slaps you on the right cheek, "turn to him the other also" (Matt. 5:39). It’s not easy to do; hating our enemies comes naturally to us because of our evil nature. It is impossible to love our enemies on our own strength; we need the help of the Spirit of God.
The decision to love your enemies arises from the decision to obey the will of God and the desire to be Christlike. We choose to love our enemies because God said so and loved us first. Jesus said we are to love as he loved us.

“But God commendeth his love toward us, in that, while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us.”-Romans 5:8

So Biblical love is sacrificial love. It is not a feeling but an act of will; the desire to put the welfare of others above your own. This type of love is not a love based on affection or emotion. Instead, it’s agape love, a love that is not concerned with self but is concerned more with the good of others.
We are not going to like everyone, nor are we called to; we are called to love everyone regardless of how we feel about them. It’s possible to love someone without feeling love for them when we decide to love everyone the way God loves us. The more we love through our actions, the decision to love will become a choice the heart is more willing to make.
Again, this doesn’t mean you will like or feel love for everyone, but when you put your trust in the Lord and pursue wisdom and holiness through prayer and Scripture, you will naturally develop a love for others.
To put it succinctly: Biblical love seeks the best interests of others, even our enemies, often to the detriment of ourselves. "Best interests" here doesn't necessarily mean what the other person thinks are their own best interests. It just means we do for them what we know or believe is best for them, and what we know or believe is best for them should be informed by an active participation with the Spirit of God and by His Word (the Bible) itself. Feelings may or may not accompany this, but how we feel towards the other is not what determines whether or not we're exhibiting the love of God, in the view of Jesus and the apostles. In their view, it's about whether or not we can still decide to seek the best interests of those who might harm us, or who we might not even like.

What the Real Heavenly Treasure Is

Now, this all brings us to an important question that needs to be answered: Is it wrong to love God and others while making a reward the objective for doing so?
We must ask this question, because all throughout Scripture we are told that the faithful followers of God will be "rewarded" some day for everything they've done to merit this. Giving an exhaustive list of passages that proves this point would be endless, but here are some examples of just a few:

"Then said he also to him that bade him, When thou makest a dinner or a supper, call not thy friends, nor thy brethren, neither thy kinsmen, nor thy rich neighbours; lest they also bid thee again, and a recompence be made thee. But when thou makest a feast, call the poor, the maimed, the lame, the blind: And thou shalt be blessed; for they cannot recompense thee: for thou shalt be recompensed at the resurrection of the just."-Luke 14:12-14
"I have shewed you all things, how that so labouring ye ought to support the weak, and to remember the words of the Lord Jesus, how he said, It is more blessed to give than to receive."-Acts 20:35
"But love ye your enemies, and do good, and lend, hoping for nothing again; and your reward shall be great, and ye shall be the children of the Highest: for he is kind unto the unthankful and to the evil."-Luke 6:35

The answer to this question depends on what we define as "rewards." Most will typically adopt some vague idea of material possesions that await the believer when they get to heaven as one's reward for faithfulness towards God, or that the reward is simply an escape from punishment for one's own sins, or perhaps even some combination of these things both.
However, none of these are the "rewards" the Lord is promising to those who obey the first and second commandments. If they were, our motivation to love God and others would ultimately be selfish. Think about it. Our motivation for rewards would inherently be me-centered, and not other-centered.
In the Sermon on the Mount, Christ gives the following command:

"Lay not up for yourselves treasures upon earth, where moth and rust doth corrupt, and where thieves break through and steal: But lay up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where neither moth nor rust doth corrupt, and where thieves do not break through nor steal: For where your treasure is, there will your heart be also."-Matthew 6:19-21

We know there are heavenly treasures, because Jesus says so, but what are they? The issue of heavenly treasures or eternal rewards is riddled with question marks. It’s a subject that has been abused by some (“Store up treasure by giving to my ministry”) and left in the too-hard basket by others.
But the answer here is simple, and two-fold. One of our rewards are God Himself:

"After these things the word of the Lord came unto Abram in a vision, saying, Fear not, Abram: I am thy shield, and thy exceeding great reward."-Genesis 15:1
"But without faith it is impossible to please him: for he that cometh to God must believe that he is, and that he is a rewarder of them that diligently seek him."-Hevrews 11:6

What is the reward of the seeker but to find that which is sought? If you are searching for God, you will find Him and He will be your very great reward.
Now, if you are the newest believer or the eleventh-hour worker, you will be as richly blessed as the oldest, most faithful saint. Eternity will not be divided into the haves and have-nots, for we are all one in the New Jerusalem.
But we can distinguish God our reward from the heavenly treasure that Jesus said can be stored up. You cannot "store up" more of God, after all.
So what are heavenly treasures? The answer may surprise you, but it’s people.

"Lo, children are an heritage of the Lord: and the fruit of the womb is his reward."-Psalm 127:3

What is the only thing you can take with you? People, a.k.a. eternal friends, a.k.a. spiritual offspring. This Psalm is not just talking about biological children. God has bigger plans for you and they involve spiritual children. Lots of them. Dozens. Hundreds. Thousands. Millions. Don’t limit God.
So much time and effort is spent debating heavenly treasures as though they were some great mystery. What are they? Jesus makes it plain: it's people.

• Just as Abraham was called to be the father of many nations, so are you.
  
• Jesus said those who followed him would be fishers of men. What is a fisherman’s reward? It’s fish, or people in this case.
  
• What is the reward of the one who sows and waters the good seed? It’s a harvest of people.
  
• What is treasure that never wears out and cannot be stolen? It’s people.
  

God's heart cries, “I treasure children. The more, the better!” In Matthew chapter 5, Jesus introduces God as our heavenly Father. In Matthew chapter 6, Jesus says God is a Father who rewards us. And what is a father’s reward?
It is children.
“Sounds great, but I am no evangelist.” You don’t need to be an evangelist to win eternal friends. Believers can live such godly lives that unbelievers will be won to the kingdom (1 Pet. 2:12; Matt. 5:16).
God's desire is to grow the world’s largest family and He treats people like treasure. This is obvious once you see it. Indeed, it’s a theme that runs throughout Scripture:

"For thou art an holy people unto the Lord thy God: the Lord thy God hath chosen thee to be a special people unto himself, above all people that are upon the face of the earth."-Deuteronomy 7:6
"For thou art an holy people unto the Lord thy God, and the Lord hath chosen thee to be a peculiar people unto himself, above all the nations that are upon the earth."-Deuteronomy 14:2
"And the Lord hath avouched thee this day to be his peculiar people, as he hath promised thee, and that thou shouldest keep all his commandments;"-Deuteronomy 26:18
"To whom coming, as unto a living stone, disallowed indeed of men, but chosen of God, and precious, Ye also, as lively stones, are built up a spiritual house, an holy priesthood, to offer up spiritual sacrifices, acceptable to God by Jesus Christ. Wherefore also it is contained in the scripture, Behold, I lay in Sion a chief corner stone, elect, precious: and he that believeth on him shall not be confounded. Unto you therefore which believe he is precious: but unto them which be disobedient, the stone which the builders disallowed, the same is made the head of the corner, And a stone of stumbling, and a rock of offence, even to them which stumble at the word, being disobedient: whereunto also they were appointed. But ye are a chosen generation, a royal priesthood, an holy nation, a peculiar people; that ye should shew forth the praises of him who hath called you out of darkness into his marvellous light;"-1 Peter 2:4-9

Like Jesus, Paul eagerly gave to the poor (Gal. 2:10). He did not give out of religious duty or to put a shine on his reputation. He did it because he loved people and wanted to share the love of God with as many as possible (1 Cor. 13:3).
Life is a gift that is easily wasted. We can waste it running after inferior rewards that rust, or we can do what Jesus and Paul did and invest ourselves in the only reward that lasts: people.

God Is Faithful

Someone once asked me, "Why would God be concerned as to whether or not we 'have trust and confidence in him' when He's judging us and when He determines what our fate will be?"
Having trust and confidence in God, according to the Biblical authors, is required for us to fulfill His commandment that we love Him, and thus also love others. (See Hebrews 11.)
As with a spouse, you cannot truly love them if you do not have some level of trust or confidence in them, and vice versa. All relationships require trust, from both parties. God wants us to trust Him that He will keep His promises towards those of us who love and follow Him. He also wants to trust us that we will enter the kingdom of heaven with a righteous and loving character. He doesn't want another rebellion in paradise, so He's trying to see if we truly love righteousness for righteousness' sake. A truly righteous person wouldn't want to rebel against Him when the time comes that they enter the kingdom of God themselves, because a person with a righteous character wouldn't ever do such a thing.
As Open Theists, we believe we're being consistent in our belief that God, at times, puts trials before us to test whether or not we will remain trustworthy enough in our character to be deemed worthy of entrance into His kingdom. The Classical Theist doesn't have the luxury of being consistent if they have this same belief.
In the Book of Job, Satan makes an accusation towards someone God has deemed as truly righteous: Job.
Satan assails God’s wisdom and character in running the world by alleging that people only serve Him because of what they get out of it. God protects them from disaster and blesses them in other ways. Their obedience, he is suggesting, isn’t really a free choice. "There is no genuine virtue in the world," Satan is claiming. "There are only self-serving bargains, and obedience for the sake of being protected and blessed is one of them. Hence, true holiness and virtuous obedience are an illusion." "Take away a person’s protection," Satan insists, "and let me have my way with people, and they will stop living for God" (Job 1:9-11; 2:4-5).
God has so much faith in Job that he will not succumb to proving the false accusations being levied towards him and God's way of running things in general that He ends up accepting the challenge. For God, this is as much a test of His faith towards His servant as it is for Job for his Lord. The adversary, we see, was assailing God’s integrity and wisdom in overseeing the creation. Satan was, in effect, accusing God of being a Machiavellian ruler. In the context of this narrative, it was an assault that could only be refuted by being put to the test.
Had God simply forced Satan into silence, without proving him wrong, it would have simply confirmed the accuracy of Satan’s charge. It would have shown that there is no integrity or wisdom in how God runs the world after all. "There is only the exercise of power, used to manipulate beings into obeying Him. People serve God only as a bargain, not out of genuine love."
No, the challenge had to be answered by having it put to the test. The most righteous man on the earth was thus chosen to be tested. If Job failed, the narrative suggests, then Satan will have made his point. If he succeeded, however, then God’s wisdom and integrity in running the cosmos will have been vindicated. Hence, the protective fence around Job is removed and Satan is allowed to afflict him.
In the end, Job proves faithful to God and is even referenced in the New Testament as an example of the kind of faithfulness He expected of first century believers facing persecution and trials:

"Behold, we count them happy which endure. Ye have heard of the patience of Job, and have seen the end of the Lord; that the Lord is very pitiful, and of tender mercy."-James 5:11

While most of us aren't dealing with the life-threatening kind of persecution that believers faced in the first century, for the very fact that the eschatological end of physical Israel and the Old Covenant system was fastly approaching for them (and already has approached), we still each face our own trials that God puts in our lives as individuals to see if we truly love Him. Job is simply the ultimate example of one who loved God because they chose to, not because God forced them to.
You never know if your love is pure if it isn't tested...

I stayed close to Teatro Degollado in Guadalajara for 3 months.
You can see the tour of my Airbnb by clicking here (its in Spanish)...along with a short clip of Teatro Degollado as I saw their showing of Cinderella.
I went from October to December. of 2023. I had the best time of my life. There are so many things to do.
I even had a local mariachi band perform my favorite song in front of me while I was eating a Torta Ahogada in the city center.
You can catch a small clip of their performance by clicking here
I am a huge Opera buff but I did not expect Guadalajara to have much of it.
Fortunately, a new Opera company has emerged out of Guadalajara.
They are still very new...and they only play at the end of the year.
It was the most amazing thing I have ever heard. They even played my favorite opera song, Brindisi, but that for another time. They were so new, that they could only reserve a small room in the house of a friend. I went in a heartbeat to see what the fuss was about. A ticket to watch them cost 15 USD.
You can see a short clip of their performance of "Lejos de Ti" by clicking here
They are back this year...but they are now performing a Teatro Degollado as it appears that the word has gotten out of their immense talent.
You can follow their facebook group here. https://www.facebook.com/primedonneopera

Is there anything better than watching the most recent Korean series during a lazy summer afternoon, as you prepare for another busy Monday? Sure thing! That is why we have compiled a list of all the new anticipated Korean TV shows that will be hitting our screens this month. For those who love them, some of your favorite actors may even feature in these dramas (additional points). As Queen of Tears, one of the hottest ever show, is closing down; it’s about time you picked up a new one too. Well then, here are some of the finest Korean dramas that will be released in May.
1. The Atypical Family 04 May 2024 Netflix
The Atypical Family is a fantasy romance show which is always an exciting genre for fans of Kdrama. This show tells the story of a man who comes from a long line of people who have the ability to travel through time but loses it when he becomes depressed until he meets a young, lively girl named Do Da Hee and everything falls back into shape.
2. The Midnight Romance In Hagwon 06 May 2024 Netflix, TVING
A romantic drama series trying to talk about age difference among couples! The story happens when a young man falls in love with his college language instructor. Therefore, how will they deal with such a taboo that even up to date most people in South Korea cannot tolerate? Additionally, if the woman is older than the man, society instantly rejects them. Nevertheless, this particular man has remained faithful to his college love even after ten years of separation. Check out this slow burning romantic drama.
3. The 8 Show 17 May 2024 Netflix
It is not an easy task for anyone to be on this new Korean reality show! It is just like those locked house reality TV shows in which players are subjected under pressure and their every move captured on camera. There are eight participants who are confined inside a room with concrete walls- hundred days’ worth. If they can last that long then they win the show money will be shared equally between them and the winner takes all prize money divided among them, only if…. though each little thing you need costs 1 thousand times more than its initial price and your share will decrease by that amount.
4. Frankly Speaking 04 May 2024 Netflix
A funny rom-com K-drama that the fans wait eagerly- it’s finally here! The funny part about this program is that it runs for only twelve episodes- one revolves around an anchor person who suddenly can’t control his tongue while still at work; hence he says whatever comes into his mind! Now, everybody knows him as a scandalous topic throughout their nation so much so that one female talk-show host has shown interest in inviting him as her guest-it’s all TRP oriented! However, what happens when these two eccentric, cutthroat media people come together? Watch the show and tell us.
Explore More: Frankly Speaking
If you have already circled the dates of release for these four Korean dramas coming out in May then, well, your binge-watching has begun. Happy Watching!

The garage door shut with a groan behind us, closing us in the gloom of the single bulb hanging over the car.
Mother took a drag off her cigarette and sighed as she exhaled, the smoke filled the cabin of the Ford and stung my eyes.
“You really disappointed me today, Julianne," she tapped her cigarette in the ashtray below the dash, "you embarrassed me in front of the other mothers at the Ice Cream Social, shoveling down seconds and thirds like a pig. I thought I raised you better than that.”
She took another drag, daintily holding the cigarette between her perfectly manicured fingers.
“I'm going to have to tell your brother about this," she continued, “he'll have to come up with a punishment fit for a pig."
I felt my stomach drop. My kid brother, Thomas, was only six, but could be exceptionally cruel. Mother seemed to encourage him and was deferring to him more and more frequently for how the house was run, especially concerning my upbringing.
"Mother, please, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to embarrass you. I'm sorry I was a pig and ate so much ice cream. I promise I won't do it again, I'll never eat any ice cream again," I was pleading with stone, unyielding.
“Hush your mouth. Go to your room and wait for Thomas," she put out the cigarette and got out of the car, I had no choice but to follow.
It felt like walking to the gallows as I stepped inside the house and headed towards the stairs to go to my room. Thomas had grown fond recently of physical punishment, he obviously delighted in Mother whipping me with a belt or, recently, Mother had allowed him to start beating me with a wooden spoon. He would squeal and giggle like a normal child watching bubbles in the wind while I screamed. I was dreading whatever was going to happen tonight, I chastised myself for eating that ice cream, I should have known she would show up. My sins were always laid bare.
Down the hall, I could hear Thomas watching television in the den. I only got to watch TV for half an hour on Saturday morning and new episodes of Happy Days with Mother and Thomas. Thomas got to watch all the TV he wanted. He could listen to the radio and turntable as much as he wanted, as loud as he wanted. Thomas had an entire room just for his toys.
I entered my bedroom, it was a space I occupied, but it didn't feel like mine. Mother kept it spartan, white walls and white bedspread. A crucifix over the bed and a painting of Jesus over the door. I had my desk and chair and a dresser with some of the porcelain dolls Daddy gave me before he died that Mother let me keep. That was it.
I placed my book bag down and sat on my bed, waiting for Thomas. It was a while, sitting there with nothing but my own thoughts and staring at the open door. I felt humiliated, I was almost thirteen and my entire life was dictated by my brother. Mother kept the house in constant lockdown to keep Thomas a secret. No outsiders were allowed in. I couldn't have friends because she was afraid I would mention him or sneak a friend in to gawk at my brother and tease him for being different.
I would never make fun of him, I was terrified of him. Terrified of what he was and what he was becoming.
Eventually I heard his heavy footsteps coming up the stairs and I felt my heart start beating faster and my palms began to sweat. I kneaded my skirt in my hands, trying to calm myself and dry my palms. His slow arrhythmic footsteps came down the hall and I watched him as he entered the room.
I couldn't help but internally recoil at his appearance, even though I'd known him since he was born, I could never adjust to how unnatural he appeared. Thomas had been born at home and had never seen a doctor, but he was obviously unwell.
He was six years old and was barely over two feet tall, but very squat and wide. His skin was thick and gray, the whites of his beady eyes were yellow and his hair was wispy and white like an old man's, spreading out like a halo around his gargoyle face. A slight odor of decomposition hung about him, it reminded me faintly of garbage cans on a hot summer day. I hated when Mother made me help him with a bath, his skin felt like old brittle leather that flaked onto my clothes in gray flecks. His body was dense like concrete, I could barely lift him into the tub. Picking him up forced his hair into my face where that smell of rot would fill my nose, causing me to gag, silently, so as not to offend him and draw any ire from him or Mother.
Today, Thomas was wearing bib overalls with a red and green striped sweater underneath, reminding me of a grotesque doll.
“Mama says you acted like a piggy today at the ice cream social,” he spoke up to me in his unsettlingly high pitched, yet raspy voice, like a child that smoked as much as Mother, "you need to come down for dinner right now for your punishment for embarrassing Mama."
He turned and walked back down the stairs and I had no choice but to follow his toddling form downstairs to the dining table. We entered the kitchen and the table was placed with two settings. Mother was already seated and Thomas clambered up into his booster seat at his normal spot next to Mother. She took a drag off her cigarette and motioned vaguely to the floor without even looking at me.
Neatly situated on the linoleum was my dinner, not on a plate, but directly on the floor. A pork chop, scoop of mashed potatoes, and a small pile of peas. No utensils, either.
Thomas giggled with glee upon seeing my face.
“You have Mama's permission now to eat like a piggy, now. No hands! Piggies just use their face!” He stood up in his chair and reached out for Mother’s ash tray and flung it out over my meal, peppering my dinner with cigarette ash and butts.
"Oops! Piggies don't mind trash though, do they, Mama?” he giggled and the sound filled me with rage.
"No, they don't,” Mother replied coolly while maneuvering her ashtray back in place and carefully putting out her cigarette before saying prayer.
As angry as I was, I got down on my hands and knees and did my best at eating what I could without using my hands. I knew if I refused, it would be far worse. The whole meal, Thomas made pig noises and would reach down and poke me with his fork, making comments about what a fat piggy I was and how he wished he could roast and eat me. I doubted Mother would even object if he actually did kill me and eat me.
Gagging my way through another bite of ashy pork chop, I felt a warm splat over my head and heard Thomas giggling. I reached up and felt he had dumped mashed potatoes into my hair.
Choking down tears, I asked Mother if I could clean the floor and bathe. She rolled her eyes and excused me to clear the table for them as well while she changed Thomas into his pajamas. Picking him up, she walked out of the room and Thomas stuck his putrid little purple tongue out at me before they made it out the kitchen door.
I silently cried while I cleared the table and washed the dinner dishes. Tears splashed down as I mopped up the mess from my food on the floor. I hated how awful Thomas was. I hated how they treated me. Ever since Daddy died and Thomas showed up, I was their punching bag. I missed Daddy so much.
Mother was kinder then, too. She was still severe, but Dad kept her tempered. After he died, there was a change that came over her. I was only six, so I didn't remember her too much from before, but I did remember her gushing on and on when she was pregnant with Thomas. How the baby was a gift from Our Heavenly Father, that it was going to complete our broken family.
My sixth birthday happened right after Daddy died and I remember sitting on the patio crying while the house was full of people after the funeral, normally he would have gotten me a new doll and a chocolate bar, instead I was forgotten. No doll. No chocolate. Just funeral potatoes and a house full of cigarette smoke from the adults.
Nobody remembered. The closest thing I got was my dad's sister, Aunt Judy, sitting next to me on the patio step for a few minutes of comfortable silence before giving my shoulder a reassuring squeeze. I don't think she knew her brother was memorialized on my birthday. Next year, Thomas was born the day before my birthday, so it was completely eclipsed as Mother had just birthed her new love into the world…
I stopped mid mop as a lightbulb finally went off. I had never put much thought into the dates before.
Thomas was born a full year after Daddy died. He couldn't be his dad. Who was Thomas’ actual father?
Washing mashed potatoes out of my hair that evening, I ran over and over the timeline. No matter how I parsed it out, Thomas was only my half brother. Going to bed that night, I kept myself awake, going over and over again to make sure. I couldn't remember any men being around at that time, but that didn't mean much. Adults can easily hide things from children. Tension began throbbing through my head and I felt queasy. Mother had always known all of my secrets, able to sniff them out like a bloodhound out or using Thomas to spy. Now I had one of Mother's secrets and I didn't know what to do with it.
First I wanted to confirm it, but it would mean snooping, which was difficult in a house that was rarely left empty. I would have to try finding Mother's calendar book or journal to see if she mentioned any dates or men.
But when could I attempt such a daring maneuver? Thomas hardly left the house. As proud as Mother was of him, she was very cognizant and protective of his differences and didn't want to draw attention to herself or Thomas like that. Mother herself had few social engagements throughout the week and mostly stayed home to watch her golden child.
I finally decided I would take the risk and fake sick on Tuesday, grocery day, so I could stay home from school while she went shopping. All Thomas did all day was watch TV downstairs, so that should give me about an hour to look through her room for clues. I decided to tuck my head down, try to behave as best as I could to avoid their wrath, and wait for Tuesday.
That weekend limped along agonizingly slow. Thomas was in a fine mood and was constantly seeking out a reason to poke me, punch me, slap me… he'd laugh while calling me a piggy with his off-putting wide mouth. I tried to mostly stay in my room and it seemed like neither of them cared.
School on Monday was a relief, but my anxiety ramped up. The consequences would be dire if Mother caught on that I was faking sick to stay home. I didn't even want to imagine how off the leash she'd let my half-brother become in his punishment for that level of insubordination.
I stayed up all night, my stomach was in knots, but I was committed to my plan. Throughout the night, I screamed as hard as I could into my pillow. Screamed until my throat was raw and I could barely talk. It felt cathartic in a way. When it was close to school time, I put on my heaviest flannel pajamas and began doing jumping jacks until my face was flushed and my scalp was soaked with sweat.
Looking in the bathroom mirror before heading down to talk to Mother, I thought I looked pretty convincing, my skin was flushed and sweaty, my eyes had circles under them from lack of sleep, and my voice croaked like a frog.
Heading downstairs, Mother was already feeding Thomas breakfast. I hesitantly stepped into the kitchen and stood there awkwardly for a second, pawing with my pajamas to keep my nerves steady until she noticed my presence and looked up.
“Why aren't you dressed, Julianne?"
"I don't feel well. My throat hurts and my tummy hurts.” My voice graveled out more than I was expecting, I really had hurt my throat.
She strode over to me and placed a cool hand on my sweaty brow.
"You do feel warm. Take an aspirin from the medicine cabinet and go lay back down. I'll check on you later," with that she turned back and walked over to Thomas, who was frozen in place, glaring at me over a forkful of scrambled eggs. The sharp glint of malice in his beady eyes made me shiver before I shuffled out of the kitchen.
I laid in bed, trying my best to look miserable until I eventually heard the faint sound of the television playing in the den as Thomas settled in for his normal daytime routine and the garage door opened as Mother headed to the grocery store. I bounded out of bed and watched the car back out of our driveway and head up the street.
My heart began to pound as I tiptoed down the hall to Mother's bedroom, a place I rarely even caught a glimpse of, let alone entered. I very slowly opened the door, taking great care to not make any noise to alert Thomas downstairs that I was out of bed.
Creeping into the butter yellow room, I could feel my heartbeat pounding in my skull, this was the naughtiest thing I had ever done by far. I stepped onto the rug to help disguise my footsteps and slowly made my way past the brass bed and towards her desk. My hands shook as I opened the top drawer, I pawed through rapidly and found nothing. I checked the next drawer down and again found nothing of interest, just stationary and envelopes.
Finally, the bottom drawer was what I was looking for, a stack of journals from the past decade. I flipped through, trying to find entries relevant to when Daddy died and who Mother slept with afterwards.
I've never fully recovered from what I read.
July 6, 1968
Edgar died today. Car accident. I cannot believe this is real. My light, my life, my anchor... Dr. Benson gave me a sedative at the hospital and I feel so tired. So very, very tired. Why has my Lord forsaken me so?
July 9, 1968
I feel like I am in a very bad dream, I feel numb and disconnected. All the consolation and pity from everyone makes me feel sick. After the memorial, it took everything in me to not break dishes and to scream at everyone to get out of my house. Julianne was moping about crying and I wanted to throw her out, too.
If I hadn't seen my dear Edgar's body in the hospital and held his urn in my own hands, I wouldn't believe he was really gone. I still don't entirely believe it.
I have prayed to God every night asking him to show me why he took my husband from me and I have gotten no answer.
I skimmed over the next few months, as it was more or less similar sentiments repeated night after night. I finally got to an entry that caught my eye.
September 17, 1968
My battle with my faith has been fraught the past few months, but Hallelujah! I feel I can see the Lord again in all his glory and might, for he has given me a way to reconnect to my Edgar!
I was thinking about the night Julianne was born, right in this very home, it was a difficult birth and she struggled to breathe at first. Ingrid, my midwife, made a comment to me that if the baby had failed to wake up on her own, that Ingrid had ways to make sure she would have made it.
I remember asking if it was a medical methodology and she made it clear to me that in certain circumstances, it was a mystical property she used to bring the air of life into a struggling baby's lungs. She gently alluded to being a practicing member of the dark arts. At the time, I felt quite scandalized to have someone like that in my God fearing home. Now I see her as the answer to my prayers! My angel!
On a whim, I called her and asked if she still practiced such techniques. She hesitantly confirmed that she did. I asked, if she could turn breath into the lungs of a child without, could she turn breath into a child that did not exist? Could she magick into existence another child of my beloved Edgar? She told me she had to do some research and she'd be back in touch.
Ingrid just called back after a few hours and said there was a spell she found, but it was dangerous and might have unpleasant results. I said, yes, of course! I trust my Lord and I believe he sent this woman of blessed magick to me for this purpose.
She says we will have to do it soon, in a few days during the new moon. She has a potion to brew, but it is happening! Praise God!
September 23, 1968
The ceremony was last night, and Ingrid believes it was a success, but we will have to wait. It did not take long, only an hour or two. Ingrid lit my bedroom with many beeswax candles and she had me drink a thick and bitter tea that caused me to become quite relaxed and foggy.
From my inner thigh, she cut me and collected my blood in a chalice, with which she mixed quite a lot of Edgar's ashes and other ingredients which I could not glean from my supine position and groggy wits. Ingrid began to chant, calling upon a higher power, as I pleaded with my Lord to let this work. To give me any piece of my Edgar back. She came to the bed and worked the paste between my legs into my womanly chamber, which was very uncomfortable, but manageable with the numbing effects of the tea.
She continued to sit with me and chant, her hand placed over my womb, until she decided at which time it was complete. She left and I fell into a deep sleep. When I woke up this morning, I felt quite uncomfortable, my body ached and when I used the restroom, a yellow fluid like pus poured out of me, but no sign of any ashes or blood, which gives me hope it was absorbed into my womb.
November 3, 1968
Praise be to our Lord, Ingrid just confirmed for me that I am with child, I had been hoping so, I had not gotten my cycle in October, but I wasn't sure if that was because of the discharge like pus that was still coming. She told me that was common with this spell and a side effect that would stop after the baby came.
I feel like I am floating on air, for the first time since Edgar left, I feel-
I suddenly became very aware of the feeling of eyes on the back of my head. I had become too engrossed in what was written before me and I had lost track of my surroundings. Very slowly, I turned around and my heart began pounding again as I saw Thomas standing in the doorway holding his wooden spoon in one hand. How had I not heard him?
He pointed at me with his empty hand and screamed, just a pure guttural screech from somewhere deep inside his disgusting little body. He charged at me from across the room, his horrible feet thumping solidly along the rug. He began beating my legs ruthlessly with the spoon, causing my legs to buckle. I crashed down to my knees in front of him, and he began lashing at my face, pulling my hair with one hand while wailing away at my head with the spoon.
I had dropped the journal I was holding and was desperately trying to get a hand on the spoon or push him away. All I could hear was him screaming. My arms flailed and I reached around on Mother's desk and grabbed onto the first thing I found and sank it into Thomas’ neck.
The end of Mother's gold letter opener protruded under his jaw. He went silent and he looked at me with utter shock. He dropped the spoon and collapsed on the ground, clutching at his neck as his thick black blood oozed out from his wound, letting out a stupendous odor of rot that filled the room. He didn't really say anything or make any noise. He just twitched for a moment and I saw his eyes glaze over.
In shock, I stood over his little body for a moment and I watched as he seemed to mummify in just a few minutes, like an ash person from Pompeii dressed in jeans and a flannel shirt. Even his blood that looked like shiny oil a second ago became like potting soil on Mother's rug. Reaching out to touch his hand, it crumbled away like sand.
Panic ran through me like a rabbit caught in a snare. Not knowing what to do, I ran. I ran down the hall, changed my clothes, put an extra change of clothes in my backpack and the last doll Daddy had ever given me and I ran. Mother would absolutely never forgive me and I was genuinely afraid she would kill me in retaliation for taking her beloved Thomas away from her. Her precious gift from God. My feet flew over the pavement and took me away from that house.
I called my Aunt Judy from a payphone outside the five & dime, and told her Mother had kicked me out and asked if I could stay with her. She had always had a strained relationship with my mother and it didn't take much convincing that she had kicked out her “only” child. Only Mother, Ingrid, and I ever knew about Thomas.
She gave me a home and took care of me. She never beat me or humiliated me. Even with her love, I was far from okay. For years I would close my eyes and hear Thomas scream, then the sudden silence. I'd see him fumbling at his neck and turning to ash. But I would also remember all the ways he would hurt me and how bad he was becoming. I could never talk to anyone about it, especially not the silent relief I felt I refused to admit to myself. Over time, however, Thomas' screams became a whisper and his silence faded into dust in my mind.
I moved on with my life. I went to college and became a photojournalist, getting to travel the world and watch history unfold. By choice, I never married, but was quite blessed with many beautiful friendships for companionship over the decades. I found balance in my life and a sense of happiness, if not peace. I never could quite stomach mashed potatoes again, though, they always taste ashy to me.
Mother never made any attempts to reach out to me or find me, at least that I'm aware of. Ten years ago, I was contacted by a hospital and they said my mother had been admitted earlier after falling and was about to pass, so she must have kept some tabs on me to know my phone number for her emergency contacts. Apparently she had collapsed in the driveway and a neighbor called an ambulance. I got there and her only words to me were, “take care of him," as she placed a locket in my hand. I opened the locket, Jesus was on one side, Thomas on the other. I didn't say anything to her, just held her frail old hand with nicotine stained nails until she passed in the night. My mother was gone and I felt nothing except a vague sense of relief.
When I got to her house, it was like a time capsule. Other than a newer television, it was just like it was when I'd fled so many years ago. The smell of tobacco smoke hung like incense in the air. It felt oppressive, like a tomb.
I wandered the house in a bit of a daze. The one place I didn't want to go was upstairs. I didn't want to see my old room, or Thomas' room, or Mother's. Putting it off, I went to fix myself some supper, realizing I hadn't eaten in almost a day. I took a pause when I opened the fridge and saw a baby bottle on a shelf. Silently praying she had been babysitting for a neighbor, I fixed myself some toast with sardines and sat eating in the den watching TV. It had been almost forty years and it still felt rebellious not eating at the table and watching TV without permission.
My eyes grew heavy and I finally mustered up the gumption to head upstairs to go to bed. The stairs creaked in a familiar way under my feet and I was taken back to the feeling of dread hearing either Mother or Thomas climbing up. My old room was at the top of the stairs, I saw the door was nailed shut and had rambling quotes about Judas copied from the Bible in my mother's handwriting taped to the door. I sighed gently and turned from the door to head down the hallway, deciding Mother's room was probably the best place to sleep.
I passed by Thomas’ toy room and I heard a murmur from the room. I stopped, curiosity got the best of me and I entered. In Thomas' old toy room was a crib with joyful clown sheets. Dread swelled up inside me as I heard more murmurs and saw the sheets move. Approaching slowly, I peaked under the sheet and gasped.
Tucked inside was what looked like a baby gargoyle, gray and papery looking. Pus leaked out of its milky, bulbous eyes. I pulled back the blanket and saw it had no legs and its arms bent back, like wings on a bird. It was wearing just a cloth diaper, overflowing with tarry looking stool that took my breath away with its pungency, it smelled like Thomas’ blood, but somehow worse. My heart broke for this poor creature, Lord only knows how many years it has been in this crib suffering from its unholy existence.
So this is who Mother had wanted me to take care of…
Not knowing what else to do, I gently scooped him up. Like Thomas, he was shockingly heavy for how small his body was. Placing him on the changing table, I cleaned him and rewrapped his bottom in a clean diaper cloth. It was difficult, he fussed tremendously, crying and flopping around as much as his flipper-like arms would allow. I tried wiping off his oozing eyes and he snapped his mouth, which I saw was full of disturbingly square yellow teeth, trying to bite me. I carried him to the kitchen and rocked him while I heated up his bottle and he became furious with me, almost barking like a dog when my hand would get near his face.
He settled a bit as he fed, but he would still sometimes suddenly spit out the bottle and attempt to bite me. I laid him back in his crib, this abomination in a clown sheet, and I walked down the hall to Mother's room letting out a long sigh.
Combing through my mother's journals in the early hours of the morning, it looked like she tried the ceremony again shortly after Thomas died, but she either lacked Ingrid’s help or didn't have enough of my father's ashes left. Something went terribly wrong. She was vaguer than she had been about Thomas’ conception, but I suspect she had used some of Thomas' remains. The resulting birth she named Isaac.
Mother's journals told a sad tale of her and Isaac's suffering. She never mentioned me, but lamented the loss of Thomas and Dad relentlessly. She was hyper protective of Isaac, as that was all she had left. If her world had been small before, it became microscopic after he entered her life, requiring nearly constant care. According to Mother, he was blind and colicky, sometimes going years at a time without sleeping through the night. She had breast fed him for years, but she had to stop after he grew teeth and began biting her intentionally and feeding on her blood.
I spent a lot of time over the next few days pondering what to do. I had to get her estate in order, she had left me the house, in an obvious attempt to get me to continue caretaking for Isaac, but I didn't want it. I had my own cozy home an hour away from here, filled with happy memories and my possessions acquired traveling the world. Mother's home had a heavy energy I couldn't shake. Her and Thomas were both gone, but the memories of the scoldings and beatings hung in every corner, like cobwebs that would never sweep away.
So, I fed Isaac and kept him clean and tried to keep him company, although he seemed to hate me passionately. I took care of him, all the while thinking about what I was going to do. After a week, I felt resolute in what had to be done.
Gathering up all of Mother's journals in a tote, I made my way to Isaac and picked him up and carried everything to the living room.
The ancient logs in the fireplace meant for display ignited instantly. One by one, I fed the journals into the fire, burning away years of my mother's consuming sorrow. Isaac fussed and moaned next to me the entire time. When the last pages shimmered away into lacy ash, I took a throw pillow off the couch and gently cradled Isaac in my other arm. It didn't take long before he stopped struggling and I felt his little body relax after decades of suffering.
I gently wrapped up a bundle in a clown sheet and placed it in the fire. It burned furiously, like the paper in my mother's journals, and was soon gone. Nothing but ashes and embers.
“Don't worry, Mother,” I said purely for my own sake, "I took care of Isaac for you."
And finally, I felt at peace.

Not sure if this is the right place to post this, but I'm honestly a mess right now due to a tennancy agreement.
For some brief context, I left my university course earlier this year due to not feeling safe around someone (a couple of months after signing for this house with 5 others, including the guy) Since leaving, I've kept in contact with our head tennant, trying to find someone to take my place before our first payment is due. They requested that I leave it to the group with finding a replacement, so I did despite how pushed for time everything felt. They did find somebody at first but then kept delaying sorting our meeting, despite me trying to arrange it on my end.
Last month I messaged again about doing it soon and they asked about leaving it another few weeks so they could get their exams done. I felt worried but agreed. Then, when that time came, I kept sending a few messages trying to arrange a meeting but then after avoiding contact I got told the person who was supposed to take my place pulled out. There's two others who are a possibility but one is sorting out their own contract and the other isnt confirmed as a student yet. I dont have long before the rent is due.
I've expressed many times that i can't afford it, and if they requested to sort it, then i need actual help. Im aware I messed up by allowing them to take that responsibility. My friend seems to think they're delaying it on purpose, so they dont have to add anyone - pretty much assuming they don't actually care if i can't pay. Im not sure myself, but I don't have it in me to lightly threaten them/push them more. I don't have the money and im not sure what to do. Im currently back at my parents house while sorting out a course change, but i know I'd have to cancel my retake year if they dont do anything.
Even if it is my problem, i dont feel comfortable telling my parents since they get very funny in these situations. I genuinely believe they'll make it worse but I have no one to help me. Im sort of nervous about contacting the head tennant too, since they obviously dislike me which I've tried to look over so we can sort the rent out. I dont want them to get pissed off if i do anything behind their backs, but i also dont feel comfortable confronting them.
I do feel very stupid about all this. I'm still barely in my adult years so doing this alone is scary since messing up could ruin my life due to the expenses. Not just preventing my studies, but its a lot to cover and the health care I require isn't fully free. So to scrape that rent I'd have to stop taking my medication. Even then I wont be financially stable enough to afford it.
Any advice would be appreciated, please :) I don't know where to even start. I did contact my therapist yesterday in a panic and she told me to look for options so i guess this is me trying to figure it out on my own. But yeah, im not overly sure right now on how to handle this or what the first steps should be. Thanks for reading, I really appreciate it!!

Almost 3 weeks ago I (23F) broke up with my bf (22M) of 3 years. Let's call him Jameson. Not because I didn't love him anymore, but because the situation was unbearable. He was super depressed and anxious, he lied, manipulated, got angry, everything was always difficult. I felt alone in the relationship and the trust was gone especially when I found out he financially cheated. I know he is not a bad person, but his behaviour did really hurt me.
Some important back ground info: After the first year together we wanted to study together because we didn't want to be long distance anymore. I said I would break up otherwise. I got in but Jameson didn't. The period after I felt pretty alone and heartbroken, he didn't seem to care as much, I was trying to fix it all on my own. He said he was trying back then but I don't know what he did to "try". I ended up emotionally cheating for 1 week because I really needed some compagnionship and laughter. After that we were never the same ever again. This happened 1,5 years ago. In the year after I really had to constantly prove myself and I really improved as a gf, but not to the point I want to be at yet.
The year after Jameson didn't get in again, but he moved to my parents house to start a study there. So he was still closer to me than if he would've stayed in his home country. Most of plan A and B were my idea and I had to really push him to apply, but he was also not coming up with alternatives himself or communicating his feelings. This is important because now he can easily blame me.
We were now finally closer together and he didn't seem that enthusiastic. Jameson barely went to school, do sport or social activities, he only started to work in january and used gaming as a coping mechanism. He neglected the relationship and himself. So after a long period of this I decided to end things. My psychologist said I was enabling his depression and I didn't want to do that. So I told him to go back to his home country. Before his departure and now even more he has been even more cold and distant.
We did end things with we love eachother a lot but it's not working like this. I asked for a week of space and to call after. Overall I have felt relieve because all the sudden my life was so much easier, but I have really missed the good parts of the relationship and the friendship we also had.
We finally called yesterday after 1,5 weeks of space and it didn't go as I hope it would. Jameson said he wanted to give me this call because I didn't get closure from my previous boyfriend. But he was cold and distant and not very interested in me. He also didn't want to discuss the relationship or certain things that happened. Especially with how friendly things were when he left I thought we would at least be friends after a while. I also wanted to keep the door slightly open for the future in case we both improved and still had a connection. Because we have a lot in common and want the same things in life so I thought maybe then we can make it work.
But Jameson was talking about a closed door and he wasn't to keen to keep in touch or be friends anymore. I wasnt planning on getting back together, but I didn't expect my sweet Jameson to go 180 on me like this. He said he fell out of love with me when I emotionally cheated and has love me less and less over time. Even though I did everything for him and was improving he didn't want to forgive, or didn't know how to. But he also didn't leave himself or planned on breaking up himself. I really thought sending him away and stop enabling his depression would finally make him want to be the boyfriend I needed. When I think about how we were and when I look at pictures he definitely still cared for me and was obsessed with me physically.
I feel really weird after the call, I don't believe he is fully speaking the truth about his feelings for me. But his attitude is so cold, he dyed his hair, all the sudden he is having a social life again, willing to sell his pc, almost like the Jameson I knew doesn't exist anymore. We said we could keep in touch like once a week but I'm thinking of leaving that ball in his court right now because of his lack of enthusiasm.
Has anyone ever had a similar situation? Tips or some compassion are also very welcome!
TLDR: I broke up with my bf because I was enabling his depression, but hoped for a friendship and keeping the door open for the future, he went full 180 and seems completely fine now without me and is keeping his distance.

I live in Australia and am asking about the specific process in a clinical setting in Australia. I've had severe chronic pain for 31 years now. I've also been diagnosed with major depressive disorder. I also have anxiety. I've been through a lot of different medications over the years. I was put on Targin 10/5 twice a day, so I could go one something for the depression before attending an amazing pain management clinic twice (5 years apart due to the change in my physical condition) and got a lot out of it both times. I went from a walking frame to only needing crutches when leaving the house. I was on that for 8 years, then started the weaning process as my pain reduced thanks to more effective management. It took me about 3 years to go completely off the Targin. I didn't think that last 2.5mg dose was doing much for me, but I was so wrong. I am just not coping with the pain and my depression has taken a major downturn because I'm cutting things out of my life again to try and cope with it, so all I'm doing is working and sleeping. It feels like I'm going backwards and I don't want to go back on Targin because it took me so long to get off it.
My psychiatrist has just referred me back to my pain management specialist (from the clinics) saying they recommend ketamine infusion. It's been mentioned in the past that this was the next step for me if things didn't stabilise. I haven't seen the pain specialist yet, but I want to know more about the process in Australia. All of my reading has been about the US and more about the mental therapy side of it, not the pain side of it.
Is there anyone who has undergone ketamin treatment in AU who can let me know what to expect? -Psych said it was a 5 day inpatient process. Is that 5 days in hospital, or visiting daily for 5 days for the infusion? -Would I be able to work while undergoing it? (I'm in IT) -Was it helpful for you? (I have nerve pain and inflammation) -How long does it last? Is it something that has to be repeated every year or something? -Do you really "trip"? A lot of people say it, but I don't know what to expect there and it makes me a bit anxious tbh. -Can you claim it on Medicare or private health or do you have to pay the full cost of the drug and anaesthetist? -Any advice on what questions I should ask the pain specialist about during my appointment?
I'd appreciate any advice <3

Oh how sad I am. I've been planning this escape for years. And now that I'm finally here, with one more night on my... not-really-a-bed, just a... mat-on-the-floor with blanket and pillows...
I sob. Sob and cry and wonder why I feel all this pain. I'm the one who wanted to escape. To live my life to the fullest. To do all the things I love. To draw and sing, to wear my hair down and bake, to make friends and wear cute dresses, to have cats and be with the man I love and oh gosh how lucky I am that he loves me dearly and wants the best for me. He and his mum supported me so so much. My friend too. They are my chosen family.
But... why am I feeling so horribly sad...? Its because I'll never see my parents or siblings again. I feel so bad for my mum because she allows people to use her and by that I mean she does everything for my grown ass siblings. And my extended family all use her a lot too.
About my mum.
Sadly, shes religious. Prays constantly. Always telling us to pray. Donates money to needy. Forced me to pay zakkah. Buys counters to constantly recite, it's like digital tasbeehs and stuff to use wherever without looking or counting. You just press and then you get your number on a screen. She takes care of her mum sometimes. Often cooks for her. She often watches her sisters kids because her sister, my aunt... is ever so social and kinda just expects my mum to baby sit them. My mum cooks almost every day. Usually every other day because my dad refuses to eat old food. And when I say cook I dont mean something easy like whip up a pasta. I mean dishes that take at least more than 2 hours to cook. Mind you though, hes a chef and does cook sometimes in the house. But since he works he expects mum to cook and honestly if I were a man, I'd want that too. To come home from work to good food. Anyway...
I have siblings. One of which is a piece of good for nothing shit. Uses and abuses mum psychologically. For real. It's so sad. And mum enables this shit because she believes it's not actually my siblings behaviour. It's apparently a ghost. My other siblings are not of legal age yet. I will miss them terribly. They... will have to grow up a lot. Mum does a lot for them. Cooking. Cleaning. Honestly, I dont cook because mum does it. Nor clean. I avoided being with mum and basically without realising it, did that rock technique with her. Where I basically diffuse the conversation and stuff because I hate talking about Islam and just avoid being around her and stuff. I forgot what the technique is actually called.
I love her. Even if I'm sure her love for me is conditional. I wish to keep contact with her. But I worry about her health. Diabetes and general pressure issues. If she dies, my dad wont be able to take care of my siblings. My dad will cook for them and teach them how to travel to school and stuff. But besides that, he wont know about their medical conditions or history, he cant speak much English just some. He is smart but also not really? It's weird.
Mg siblings and mum is who I worry for most. The two siblings who arent over 18 yet. I dont care for the other one because they ruined my life and became such a horrible person. I get some of it is mental health issues so they need help but I'm speaking very specifically of their character before all this began.
Anyway. I escape tomorrow. Today is technically my last day ever with my family. I do love them. I wish to text or call them from time to time but I do think a period of no contact may be necessary for both them and myself to kind of... let this choice I made sink in. I've bought games for my younger siblings where we can chat and hopefully they keep this private. I do believe that they may understand me when they reach a certain age and be more accepting than my parents.
In my letter, I'm not sure if I should say I left because I wanted to live my life or because "God guided me" and play that card. I'm semi atheist. Sometimes I believe in God and other times I dont. Right now km not really sure what I am so I say semi atheist. I will cry and cry and cry after I've made it to my partner. He and his mum will hold me close and tell me I'm safe and loved and deserve to choose the life I want. I have support. We are gonna do so many things together that we couldn't before!
I'm an artist. In so many ways. I had to hide my art with my family. With my partner, he wanted them all displayed. For Christmas, I drew portraits, more like fantasy portraits of him and his mum and his cat. They still have it displayed in their house. It warms my heart. I draw, sew, sculpt with clay, paint sometimes, do traditional pencils drawings with colour and without, digital art, pixel art for working on my game, make plushies and I plan to sew my own dresses, I like styling my hair although my hair is pretty damaged sadly, no not with heat products, more of just unhealthy hair. What else...? I just love making things with paper like water fall cards and spinning cards and pop up books. When I confessed to my partner, at the time he couldn't be with me because he wanted to make sure he was ready, I made him a well designed pop up book. It had stuff we liked, camping, gaming, sleeping, loads of pop up and sliding elements. Then on our 1st anniversary, I made him an explosion box. He was absolutely in shock as he opened it over Skype. I plan to make an even better gift for next time. For Christmas he attempted something similar, he is very creative too. He made me a book of himself. Like a little toy for my to hold around with funny comments and his cat kinda touring me through his weak knee joints Haha and his heart which loves me 100% and his little nose which if I boop, doesnt do anything, nor the the little mole he has on his face. All these drawings and details, I love it so much.
Why did I write all that... I'm trying to cope right now. I want encouragement. I'm scared. But I know I have to do this. I dont want to cry or be sad. I wanna be happy because I have this opportunity to run away move out and be free. I've saved and saved enough for at least a few years. But I'll be getting a job in the new country after I learn the language officially. By going to school to learn the language I'll keep myself occupied and busy. At my partners house we will be playing games ans cuddling and making Lego stuff and drawing and going for walks and watching films so I know I'll be happy.
I just also know I'll wonder how my family are and worry those thoughts will eat into my happy time. I dont know how to go about this.
Please... I wanna move out on happy terms. I deserve to live. To think 7 years ago I was going to take my life because I prayed constantly to God and he didnt seem to reply to it... and then I became an ex Muslim and found a new friend and then a another one of which who became my partner... I never would have believed if someone told me, hey in some years you'll move away from your family have a loving boyfriend and be free from religion. I'd have slapped them maybe and said shut up you liar. Get lost.
But here I am. I didnt take my life. I won. And I'm gonna win again tomorrow when I take that plane. I'm just sad about missing my family. Even if they were unpleasant at times. I still love them.
But I deserve to live my own life. I can do this. One more night on my not so very comfy floor bed.
Paper Blackstar
I will never post from this account again. For updates on my situation, possibly a tutorial of how I escape, please see my other account, The Paper Blackstar. It has one post saying that it's me, and in the comments a mod confirmed.

[Long post] We’ve benefited from this thread so much, even after traveling to Japan in the past, and often see the question “does this plan make sense/how much time do we need, etc?”that I hope our recent exact itinerary traveling with 13 yo twins and a 75 yo mother can answer some common questions about our return experience in Tokyo, Kyoto, and Nikko (which we adore).
Also, YES there was screen time. YES people were unpleasant due to jet lag. YES YES YES we adjusted plans and “missed out” on things. Flexibility is key! We never got to Senso-ji or did conveyor sushi because we ended up at a random temple flea market for over two hours finding our most prized souvenirs. Welcome serendipity - the unplanned boba store near Tokyo station remains one of my daughter’s favorite memories.
Onto our itinerary. We stayed in AirBnb’s, an onsen, and a hotel our last two nights in Tokyo.
Hope it’s helpful!
ARRIVE THURSDAY April 11th (2,747 steps) Arrive Haneda - train to Ueno Apartment (and wonderful cab driver who didn’t leave until we found out place) +Happy Mart snacks and house supplies +Dinner @ Kitchisen Handmade Soba
FRIDAY - SHINJUKU (25,885 steps) +365 Days Pastries +Yoyogi Park +Meiji Shrine +saratuhiko coffee +Souishi Menya - great ramen +Onigiri Manma - homemade onigiri +Uniqlo +TeamBorderless art exhibit in Ginza
SATURDAY (21,869 steps) +Tsukiji Market, sushi breakfast +Ueno Park for cherry blossoms +Daiso shopping +Yakitori Lunch - lunch under the train station. Two guys sitting next to us who translated on their phone “We hope you love Japan” BREAK +Artisan pop-up shop Akihabara +Gatchapan +Hakata Furyu Ramen
SUNDAY (18,280 steps) +Leave 8am +A Happy Pancake - 9am +Hanazono Flea Market - Temple market with all the vendors +Seikando Stationary store +Boba Tea +Yoyogi Park Frisbee & volleyball & greasers +Sultan Akihabara - Indian food takeaway
MONDAY (15,663 steps) +7/11 & Starbucks & French pastry breakfast +Train to Nikko +Toshugo Shrine Complex - Futarashan shrine, all temples +Shinkyo Bridge +Yuba Ryori Aburagan - lunch in Nikko +Traditional onsen + Keiseki (traditional, local, in-season) dinner
TUESDAY (19,546 steps) + Onsen volcano hot baths + Keiseki breakfast +Return to Tokyo via train, lunch and shopping in Tokyo Station, then +Nozomi Shinkansen Bullet Train to Kyoto +Check into AirBNB in the Gion district +Mosburger dinner
WEDNESDAY (23,107 steps) +Breakfast - Cicon bakery (In the Cicon hotel) Morning walk in the Gion +Kiyumizudera “pure water temple 780ad” (otowa no taki waterfall) wooden temple +Ninnenzaku Road - shopping +Hokon-ji pagoda tower +Ishebekoji road - old private road (no photography!) +Kenninji Temple - Oldest ZEN temple. 1639 screen. Zen “garden of the sound of the tide.” Creaking floors to hear the ninjas approaching Home to Recharge +Lunch - Omen Udon +Nishiki food market (Sarah/Nonna get tofu) +Teramachi-dori - famous street with clothing shops, sneakers at ATMOS +Pontocho - narrow authentic food alley along the river +Yasaka Shrine - temple with the lit up lanterns at night +Dinner - Ebisugawa Gyoza Nakajima - gyoza at the japanese style table +Gion for Geisha watching (4)
THURSDAY (13,266 steps) +Arashiyama Bamboo Forest +crepes +Goji Sanso Temple - moss temple +Seiryo-ji (incense tribute) +Ryoan-ji (incredible zen garden) Nozomi SHINKANSEN TO TOKYO Check-in &here hotel
FRIDAY (25,658 steps) +Disneyland +Ginza Shopping (Nike store/boba) Break at Hotel +Duck ramen at 麺屋上々 (Menya Joujou) +Chinese restaurant for tea
SATURDAY (7,751 steps) +Tsukiji Market sushi breakfast +Walk to Ueno park + Duck Boats Haneda Airport…. See you next time!

Long post, sorry in advance.
I F21 am living with my boyfriend M24 at his parent’s house. We have a separate room and a different floor that has a bathroom so it’s a good arrangement for us. We get our privacy for the most part and get to save money by not renting.
On to present time. Yesterday we were a friend’s house, got home around 2:30 AM, I had gel in my hair and I knew I had to wash it tomorrow morning, because we were invited to a barbecue at his uncle’s place. Important to note that were asked to pick up his grandparents and be at their place at 11AM.
I got up at around 9 AM, my boyfriend still sleeping. I did the laundry knowing I had to got to work at 6 PM (I work 2 jobs, one is part time at an ice cream shop) and so I had to have clean clothes for my shift. While the laundry was running I head to the kitchen to make a dessert for the barbecue (I had been asked by bf’s mom to make something when we got the invention first). The time was about 10AM at this point. The cake needed 30 minutes in the oven, so I went upstairs to shower. When i enter the room I see that bf is currently showering and so I asked when he will be done. He informs me he just entered. I tell him that I have to shower and that we are running late, so he suggests that I shower with him so we can both shower and be ready on time. I agree, enter and maybe 2 minutes later I realize that the bottle of shampoo is completely empty. My hair is already wet at this point. I am on edge because I’ve running around this past hour, and now I also have to run downstairs in a towel to get a new bottle. I wrap myself up and go downstairs. I grab a bottle and a new Rowe and decide that I’ll just shower at his parents shower (his parents are abroad and wouldn’t mind me using, that’s why I went for it). I start showering, washing my hair, and 10 minutes later my boyfriend comes down to his parents room at starts screaming at me. I was already almost done at this point. He’s yelling and screaming at me how could I go to shower in there while I knew he was still showering, all while cussing me and calling me names. He’s screaming how he was showering in cold water, how I’m just a cunt and more names. I scream back that I also have to shower, and because I need to was my hair I should have went showering first. I shower really quickly and I also have to dry my hair, so I knew I couldn’t wait for him to be done. (Note: in his place if someone is showering downstairs with hot water, upstairs there won’t be hot water to shower with, so we usually tell his parents that we are entering the shower so they will know not to shower at that time, weird I know but that’s how it is). He hits the wall, screams something at me and goes up the stairs.
I take my time, dry my hair knowing damn well I’m not going with him anywhere. I take the cake out of the oven and go up the stairs to dress. I dress, don’t say I word to him and go back down and sit on the couch scrolling on my phone. He comes down and demands an apology. I laugh and say that after all the name calling I received I should be the one to receive an apology. We go back and forth and he tells me to have all of my stuff packed before he returns. And that’s how it ended.
In the middle of the fight he said to post this on Reddit “since you love Reddit so much”. He said that if the public says he’s the asshole he will apologize. Please give your honest opinion. I will go pack my bags for now.

Long story short: 70 free pulls in normal banner (light/dark unit possible) and 1 random fire/watenature 5* from 7 days login. Also part 2 of story & new mode (automaton tower in e7). Also other QoLs.
Possible vtuber & RL pornstar collab (with animated & voiced 18+ scene), read bottom half for more details.
I've been playing this for half a year (5$ monthly spend) and I'm actually pleasantly surprised by how they are running things for being an epic 7 clone (with porn).
They made some changes to the units's kits. Some positive, some questionable, but nothing really broken (except for Erica, the best unit in the game still since launch. Probably dev's favorite).
This is actually the first porn game I played where the porn, while pretty good, actually is second to the gameplay. It's a pvp centric game and so far, everything is relatively balanced in that every single team has a counterplay.
After all the early complaints about using AI art, they're basically all gone from latest units (or retouched so heavily I can't tell anymore).
Pull currency is also plentiful (as long as you aren't literally pulling EVERYTHING), and they rerun banners often (some units are already reran 3x).
Pity counter is also kept between reruns if you didn't land the unit.
Also, they made a browser version! And it's by far the best way to play the game on PC (bye emulators).
I pretty much picked up monthly sub to support the game even though I didn't really need anything except gear (extra monthly gems are nice, i guess).
I initially just wanted to try it out and ended up sticking with the game and will probably be playing for the long term now.
Now for the juicy part. According to datamined stuff there will be a possible collaboration with Projekt Melody (vtuber) and HongKong Doll (18+ fleshtuber) in upcoming months.
Projekt Melody is pretty much confirmed because she already has her in-game artwork datamined, and she did a collab with the developers' previous game (Cherry Tale).
If it's like past collabs they will each have an unique event, 3 scenes (2 static + 1 animated & fully voiced), and kit imported from limited e7 units (with changes/buffs).
In case of last fleshtuber collab (Akaoni) they made an anime-style avatar of their likeness.
Since HK Doll is pretty much a porn star, if this goes through, we can probably expect more pornstar collaborations in the future.
They did put up an ingame survey a few weeks ago and one of the questions is who to collab with.
Game's also been #1 on Erolabs since its launch so the sky's pretty much the limit for this one.
Anyways, if you are interested in the game and want to try it out, you can try it out here.
If you just want to play for the collab units/porn, you don't really need to spend at all. They give a lot of freebies, and your main source of gacha currency is from refreshing shop every day (same as e7, but you have to use them up every day). You can unlock their scene basically in 2 days too with 0 cost, unlike the bullshit other porn gachas put you through for em. If you want to be competitive in guild wars/ pvp though (^{in a porn gacha? surely not!)...} that's another story :)
Thanks for reading! If you have any questions about the game, please post below and I (and perhaps other players in this sub) will answer them.

Hello everyone 👋
I'd be grateful for some advice. I'm a 27f who's strongly considering moving 1 state over to be with my 33yr boyfriend, but I've never moved before and I'm terrified.
He and I have been dating for the better part of 2 years. We're both from California but he moved to Oregon about 8 months ago. He's asked me to move with him since he left.
I still, and have always lived with my family since it's so expensive in California. Its the house I grew up in and I've never had a real reason to leave home. I have a good relationship with my parents and was always encouraged to stay. Though now, I feel like I've hit a plateau in some of my personal development. There's nothing really wrong with my life here at home. I live in a great location, my rent is affordable considering the area, I have a reliable job in the service industry, I'm liked by my coworkers and customers, I have wonderful friends, and of course my family who I'm close to.
But since I graduated college 2yrs ago and my parents splitting up during that time; I've been struggling a little to truly feel content and happy like I once did. I'm easily stressed, I find myself irritable, impatient, and feeling bad about myself more often. I don't feel terrible everyday though, so I'm worried I'm being dramatic.
My boyfriend is fiercely independent and a quick to decisions. He really stuggles with depression and he was working a corporate job and paying high rent for a small apartment. He seemed wildly unhappy, so when he unexpectedly inherited some money from family he quickly bought a house. He seems much happier now and more excited about life.
Before he left he expressed regret about leaving me behind but we weren't really in a place in where it made sense to move with him. Additionally I was, and still am afraid of the unknown. Being away from everything and everyone I've ever known gives me anxiety. (though everything gives me anxiety)
Our relationship hasn't always been perfect but nothing bad. We're oppposties in many ways and we've had some miscommunications and have had to establish boundaries. Like any relationship we will continuously work through these things. This has been expressed and agreed upon. Though I do slightly worry about his depression and mental state in general and how that will effect things over time (I guess we'd just have to see) been able to work through it so far.
I think we've supported each other's emotional and personal growth over these years. He seems committed to wanting to make things work with me more than ever. We do love each other. We've seen one another every month and gone on either long or short trips since he's left. I've visited the place where he's moved and it's cute and fun but a bit of a smaller town than what I'm used to. He already has friends in Oregon some new and some old, he's integrated me into the group. His friends think I should move up. But of course when I talk about it with people in my life it's like 50/50 people hate the idea or love it. Obviously the idea of moving for a partner is controversial.
It would be a 180 change for me and I'm very stressed about making it; but I could see the benefits for him, me, and us together. If it goes wrong I could always come home right?
I'd be an 8hr drive away from home 1hr flight. I would be worried about leaving my family since I believe the do rely on me slightly (financially and emotionally). I also wouldn't be excited to leave my job since I feel like they count on me. I'd be sad to let others down. Plus I like it, but at the end of the day it's a bar. I'd miss my friends and family a lot But I'm confident I could establish a new group in time.
At its worst the decision seems very grey and it could be awful - if it fails or I stay home and we eventually break up. But at its best it could be a possibility for needed change, independence, and an opportunity to further my personal development as well as grow into a serious relationship. I wish I was better at this 😞
TL;DR Should I continue building on an established life in my hometown? Or should I take the opportunity to move and start a new life elsewhere for the first time? Potentially very risky but possibly great.

Hey everyone
I'm a first time buyer and while I'm not in a rush to buy or desperately searching for a peorpety, I happened to see something really good recently which was affordable, in an ideal location, and had the potential to be a family house long-term.
So I told the estate agents on Sunday that I am interested din putting and offer in and they said they would contact me with questions (such as the price I was willing to pay) etc the next day.
So my question is...how much do they rush the process? Because before they were even able to ring me and ask what it is that I am able to offer or even if my offer would be competitive enough to be in the running, they'd told conveyancers to ring me and discuss legal fees and solicitors. The lady rang me yesterday briefly explaining why its good to have a solicitor at hand and asked for a £25 deposit to secure a solicitor and make sure fees are fixed in the period that I potentially go through for buying the property. I told her that I'd like to speak to he estate agents first and if she could ring me back today- she rang me at 9am on the dot, took my deposit, and said she'll send over documents I need to sign and return.
And I don't know, I just feel suspicious and like I'm being pushed into paying and signing for all these things with very little explanation and time to process what it happening and what I'm getting out of it. I haven't even decided if I did compete with the offers and what to buy for sure hut feel like they're taking advantage of me because I'm a first time buyer.
In the past, an estate agent kept pushing me to speak to their mortgage advisor and I'm not even kidding, I had to shake her off like 6 time in one call and I had to be borderline rude to get her to understand that I know what I'm doing, have spoken to other advisors, and don't need to speak to anyone from their team. So I just feel like they're so pushy that I'm not sure if I can trust them and should just go along with everything, or if I should bide my time and let myself think? I feel like they sue scare tactics like you not being prepared in terms of paperwork as the reason you're going to miss out so they can get you to pay them and agree to work with them.

I don’t know what to do about this. I don’t want to be angry, but I am. I have multiple different bone, muscle and ligament conditions and nerve damage in my legs because of that for context.
My sister lives two hours away for college and had our mom, dad, and myself drive down to her and pick her up because she get a pinched nerve in her back and couldn’t deal with it. This happened on Thursday, I had to try to find people to cover for me at work so I could take the day off to help my mom as she get extremely nervous on long car rides, I don’t drive at the moment and we had to bring my sisters car down with us.
But now she is staying in my room which is pretty normal for when she comes down but keeps getting out of the cot she has to stay in my bed all day, rearranging all the stuff I keep up there for when I have to sleep certain ways due to pain, get everyone to wait on her every need, take only one of the three pain med my parent went to my grandparents to get for her, and act like an over all baby about it.
All of that is annoying but the thing about this whole mess that makes me so mad is the fact that at times when my nerve pain was so bad I would keep my legs iced and bandaged to try and help with the feeling and got to the point I was crying in my bathroom at night while rubbing my legs so hard they bruised just to wear down the nerves enough for me to wrap them back up and go back to bed. Doing all this while still doing my physically demanding job and doing as many of the house hold chores as i could as we live on a farm and our mom had just gotten mouth surgery. She yelled at me many times about faking it and just not wanting to help out while I was home. Making sly comment about how i couldn't be in that much pain if i was still going to work when i love my job and it was one of the only escapes I had from the constant fighting with her.
I just want to scream at her for how small and worthless she made me feel while I felt like I was going to chop my legs off for even a bit of relief.
How do I stop myself when she is around me all the time and my mom says that its fine and we just need to give her time to heal and maybe she'll understand a bit more but I don't think it will. It didnt help my mom understand when she had to go to PT for her neck from and injury messing with a condition we did know she had. I was there to with a dislocated shoulder. But my mom got better and seemed to forget the pain had even been there by the time her PT was over.
This will change nothing. How do i not hate her? How do I try to forgive or forget when she's wailing about a sliver of the pain I go through? Am I a bad person for not feeling sympathy for her? Like she kinda disseveres it after some of the shit she's put me through. How do i feel better about this for myself when even looking at her makes me angry?
Sorry for the rant and mistake it’s 3:00am and I just can’t anymore.

I don’t know what to do about this. I don’t want to be angry, but I am. I have multiple different bone, muscle and ligament conditions and nerve damage in my legs because of that for context.
My sister lives two hours away for college and had our mom, dad, and myself drive down to her and pick her up because she get a pinched nerve in her back and couldn’t deal with it. This happened on Thursday, I had to try to find people to cover for me at work so I could take the day off to help my mom as she get extremely nervous on long car rides, I don’t drive at the moment and we had to bring my sisters car down with us.
But now she is staying in my room which is pretty normal for when she comes down but keeps getting out of the cot she has to stay in my bed all day, rearranging all the stuff I keep up there for when I have to sleep certain ways due to pain, get everyone to wait on her every need, take only one of the three pain med my parent went to my grandparents to get for her, and act like an over all baby about it.
All of that is annoying but the thing about this whole mess that makes me so mad is the fact that at times when my nerve pain was so bad I would keep my legs iced and bandaged to try and help with the feeling and got to the point I was crying in my bathroom at night while rubbing my legs so hard they bruised just to wear down the nerves enough for me to wrap them back up and go back to bed. Doing all this while still doing my physically demanding job and doing as many of the house hold chores as i could as we live on a farm and our mom had just gotten mouth surgery. She yelled at me many times about faking it and just not wanting to help out while I was home. Making sly comment about how i couldn't be in that much pain if i was still going to work when i love my job and it was one of the only escapes I had from the constant fighting with her.
I just want to scream at her for how small and worthless she made me feel while I felt like I was going to chop my legs off for even a bit of relief.
How do I stop myself when she is around me all the time and my mom says that its fine and we just need to give her time to heal and maybe she'll understand a bit more but I don't think it will. It didnt help my mom understand when she had to go to PT for her neck from and injury messing with a condition we did know she had. I was there to with a dislocated shoulder. But my mom got better and seemed to forget the pain had even been there by the time her PT was over.
This will change nothing. How do i not hate her? How do I try to forgive or forget when she's wailing about a sliver of the pain I go through? Am I a bad person for not feeling sympathy for her? Like she kinda disseveres it after some of the shit she's put me through. How do i feel better about this for myself when even looking at her makes me angry?
Sorry for the long ranty post and mistakes it's 3:00am and im on my phone.

I think about this a lot. How much all these companies charge people to buy or sell on their app, deliver food, give rides but all these things the company you are working with takes a cut and I don't really understand why people don't do something to just cut out the middle man as much as possible. You sell something on eBay you pay a 12% fee. That is a lot of money going to a company that did virtually nothing for it besides giving you a place to sell on. Dating apps also charge absolutely RIDICULOUS amounts of money. It's like they aren't even trying to compete with each other. All of them are charging HIGH fees. If you made an open source app like Uber but the driver pays very little in fees maybe like a low cost once a month fee of 10 dollars. Hell, you could do this with all the apps I mentioned. Just keep enough money flowing to keep the app in the app store and pay whoever updates it and nothing else. Everything else goes to the people who actually WORK. Just sick of people who throw an app out there and then sit on there fat ass spending the money made by all the people. It can't be that hard to create an app and it's not that expensive to pay for a place in the app store, so what gives?? Is it possible to create an open source app like anything I mentioned above to royally screw over all these companies needlessly overcharging to use them? When I sold a graphics card on eBay I had to pay 50+ dollars just because I sold on their platform. Screw that man, thats just too much money. They should be charging no more than 5% but they're greedy bastards and are constantly increases their take every year or so. Same as UbeUber eats. You can't support yourself on that job because of the fees they charge you. If you could pay less fees with that app but still keep that app up and running it could really help a lot of people and fuck over all these rich ass wipes ruining this country with their disgusting greed.

Here is a TRUE Haunted House Story that a gentleman by the name of “Kenneth” emailed to me last week. This is one creepy story. 😬 I hope you enjoy. 🫶
Story by - “Kenneth”
I’ve been living in a house that is very haunted for the better part of 53 years. I guess you can say that, I grew up here. And lived here my entire life.
And I’ve made a happy home for my wife and daughter here as well. At least we try to make this a happy home. We’ve experienced things that are so bizarre you’d almost think that we were crazy for even talking about them.
Nevermind the things I’ve heard and seen in this house while growing up.
While I would love to talk about everything that has happened here, I would like to tell you about how it all started for me when I was seven years old. It's actually the very first incident that I encountered while living here.
The house was built in 1875. It’s been remodeled throughout the years to keep up with modern times, but it still rests on the very foundation it was built on.
This house… as I’m writing this, I can hear footsteps creaking above me on the second floor. This is an all day thing. But we’ve learned to live with it. While growing up here, and being the only child, my parents already knew about the house being haunted. But they tried sheltering me from it. Meaning, if I heard something strange, my father or mother would say something to the likes of…
“Oh honey, those damn pipes again. We need to call the plumber.”
Or if there were footsteps creaking on the floor boards they would blame the flooring for being very old. I would hear scratching all throughout the walls and ceilings. All sorts of strange and bizarre sounds.
But this incident, this day, changed everything. And I remember this day, or rather night, as if it happened yesterday.
It was around 11:00 at night. It was a school night. And I was asleep. But something woke me up. I heard a voice whisper in my right right ear…
“We can’t let them get away.”
My eyes slowly opened up and I laid there for a moment. I called out for both my mother and father and looked over at my bedroom door but it was shut. I flipped over to my side and fell back asleep.
I heard this voice loud and clear. I know I did. But I think my brain was telling me to ignore it. Well, that was just the beginning of it. Because a few moments later it decided to really stir things up with me…
“Boy… HELP THEM THEY’RE BURNING ALIVE!”
I jumped out of bed so rapidly and even peed myself as I ran to my parents bedroom. My parents both looked at each other and then looked at me like they knew something but didn’t want to tell me. They gave me the old mumbo jumbo and told me that I was having a bad dream. My mother got out of bed. Got me fresh pajamas and socks while I cleaned myself up.
Peeing yourself at seven years old isn’t fun. Especially when it’s a raspy old scary voice shouting that someone’s burning alive in your bedroom while you’re sleeping.
My mother asked if I wanted to sleep with her and my father in their bed after that. You bet your ass I did. I hopped in that bed quicker than a fox chasing a rabbit. I was a small boy for seven. And both of my parents were average sized too, so, I fit right in there.
Alright… Here is where it gets very, very scary. If this doesn’t scare the socks off of you I don’t know what will. And before I continue, the voice that I heard? We think it’s the original owner of the house. Without giving away too much information about my home, the very first owner of this home…
He was an evil man…
We’ve heard stories about him torturing animals, killing them, and then taxiderming them, scattering them all throughout the house like his own little museum of horror.
Throughout the years I would experience more voices, more scratching on the walls and ceilings. Eventually my parents wound up telling me that the house was haunted by a creepy man with an evil past. And we lived with it. We were never physically harmed by it. It was more of a nuisance than anything.
That all changed on the night I brought my wife home to begin a life here with me.
We’re high school sweethearts. So, she knows about this place. She stayed here overnight plenty of times before we got married. But on the night she moved in, it wasn’t happy at all.
I’ll never forget the hour and minute. It was 2:27 in the morning. We were both asleep. My wife woke up first because she felt something tugging on her arm. She then woke me up and told me what she felt. This was the first time in all the years anyone has ever been physically touched by this spirit. This had never happened before so it was quite a shock to me.
And after being awake for about a few minutes or so, our bedroom door slammed shut! Our blanket was pulled away from us and thrown across the room. And we heard heavy footsteps as if someone was walking across the roof!
It was as if the house was coming to life.
In all my years of living here, I have never seen this much activity. Yet alone in one single night.
After the blanket got pulled away from us and thrown across the room things finally seemed to calm down. And the entire house was ominously quiet.
Too quiet…
But then a dark black shadow decides to grace us with its presence by moving along the walls in the bedroom and fading into nothingness. My wife and I did not move from the bed during all of this. We were terror-stricken. And then a foul odor begins to come from underneath the bed followed by a sonorous growl that vibrated underneath us.
By this point it felt like something grave was about to happen and I had to do something. Or at least I had to try. I grabbed a hold of my wife’s hand and told her to be brave and to not fear this thing. Because that's what it wants. It wants to scare us out of our home and we can’t allow that to happen. But we mustard up the courage to face this evil spirit and began reciting the Lord’s Prayer.
The bedroom door slammed again and again, four times consecutively. With steady growls underneath the bed, but we stood our ground. Praying to the almighty to help and asking him to show this spirit to the light.
A raspy old voice then shouts from underneath the bed.
“Get out!… Leave my house!”
And I said…
“No! If you're stuck here like you’ve been all these years, then you’re going to have to learn to live with us. In peace or war. Because this is my house now. Not yours. You're dead! Leave already! Go! Go with God. And Go into the light.”
After 10 minutes of praying and arguing with this thing. It all just seemed to come to a pass. I wiped the tears of fear from my wife’s eyes and embraced her painful shivers.
I, too, was frozen over by the horror that leveled us during that night.
And nothing of that magnitude ever occurred again. And our home stood silent for a while. For a year to be exact. Which was very peaceful. The voices and scratching on the walls and ceilings, footsteps and disembodied voices eventually returned. But it doesn’t bother us at all. We pay it no mind.
Doesn’t bother my daughter. Not my wife nor I. We’ve just learned to live with it.
I know that must sound strange. But this is my home. Our home. And we intend to keep it that way.
Thank you, Kenneth Sr.
Disclaimer: This story is not to be used in any other way other than reading, sharing your thoughts on it, and enjoying the creepy thought of living with a Poltergeist/Ghost in your home. 👻
The content producer has this story copyrighted and protected by the Library of Congress/Copyright Office.
💀

Idk what I'm going on about but honestly I am feeling exaughsted and over all just overwhelmed so it's a vent ig. I'm a fulltime college student, and a parent to a 1.5 y/o. Our apartment is a complete mess and to top it off it has an extreme infestation of roaches its the area mainly but also the mess isn't helping.
I live with my child's father which I will refer to as J and our dog. I try to prioritize spending time outside but honestly its exaughsting doing it all myself. J works 2 jobs (1 fulltime and the other weekends so defiantly alot) he is also a student part time online however I feel like the majority of the home load is on me. The dog or our son won't see the outside world if I'm not taking them. When he's not working he is "too tired" to come out with us so that leaves me and our non leash trained dog with our son struggling. I'm lucky enough to have a brother living close by who often times will Come with me if I pick him up.
However i feel completely drained. For starters we used to use my car for absolutely everything and it's Manuel so only I know how to drive it so that burned me out from driving so now I completely dread having to drive anywhere. Sounds dramatic but it's true. I also have a flex job I go to sometimes rarely but I recently committed to a new job for a weekend schedule and I recently had my first shadow day and my god idk if I can do it. The job entails looking after an autistic nonverbal boy and the 3 hour day felt like 12. It's one of those jobs where there's not much for you to be doing but you feel alot of pressure to be doing something. Mainly because I'll be in this little boys house with his parents for 9 hours just following him around and what not. I think I maybe in over my head with this one.
To continue I really want to commit to a healthy life style, but it's been hard because I've never had a healthy lifestyle. I try cooking but hate cooking and on top of that the dishes pile up and if I don't do them which honestly I haven't been they sit there forever. Overall the process of that is exaughsting. Once I'm done cooking I have to try to keep my kid eating (he's at such a busy stage he wants to walk around the whole time so I follow with food lmao) that's exaughsting but it's ok. I had a role of going to the gym daily but with all this and school I think it's gonna be a min until I can push myself into it again. I really want to but I can't bring myself to do it. Anyways since I dread cooking we eat out pretty frequently which makes me feel like a shit parent and a shit person I told myself I wouldn't feed my kid trash but here we are.
My dog unfortunately doesn't go out everyday since I'm at school or just drained. It breaks my heart because she is so sweet and deserves the best I just can't find a balance. I bathe my son brush his teeth and put him to bed all on my own since j works an overnight schedule. I also get up with him make him breakfast put him down for his first nap and leave for school while J sleeps.
J helps financially he covers majority of food costs and all of the rent. However I don't feel it's fair for him to choose to not do these things because he is "tired" or he has school work or whatever. I have school work and I'm exaughsted too? I still take them out pretty frequently for the majority of the day. My son is also in a whole ass daddy phase which kinda annoys me cause this dude really has the role of being a part time parent and my son likes him better? The dude hasnt brushed his teeth nor bathed him for probably more than a total of 5x.
Also I have no sex drive anymore its not shocking to me I'm doing way to much. However J makes sexual advances on me and I'm tired of that too. We have alot of problems. The majority involve me complaining about this unequal balance and him stating that it is equal and what he's doing is just as hard.
I appreciate what he does, but i don't think its enough being honest. If I had a career rn and was able to support my son and I on my own I would've already had my own apartment. I think it would actually be easier to just clean up after myself cook smaller portions less dishes. Idk maybe I would feel alive again? I feel like I'm working overtime with no pay every single day.
So anyways there's that ig. If you made it this far I'm assuming you relate so I'm sorry for you too.

As a very young soul, around maybe 5 or 6 years old, I had a very innocent and Accepting outlook on life. Despite coming from a less than ideal environment, I always found fascination in the world around me, and a reverence for what Mother Nature had gifted unto me. And so I first realized myself to be aligned closely with Green.
I always had a smile on my face, ready to embrace those around me; Ready to love as unconditionally as the Others had loved me. I felt a passion, a desire even, to do good for those Others, just to see the smile on their faces. A smile that they lacked, because they couldn't see the beauty that enveloped them; A beauty that I myself saw so very clearly. I yearned to live in the present, and to give unto Others the same heartfelt, Emotional passion and Acceptance that I felt so strongly towards them. I had a very Red heart, and a very White soul.
And I always had a smile on my face, when nobody else did. I always laughed, when the Others cried, so that they might share in my joy.
And over the years, as my family fought onward towards eachother; Gnashing their teeth for little Reason at all other than to watch eachother suffer for the sake of their own miscommunications, my efforts fell short.
And it caused me to wonder why...
"Why must they be so pessimistic and derogatory in life? Why must they be so quick to reject Reason? Why is their Logic so skewed?", I wondered..
And a very Blue thirst for knowledge started to form in my mind.
Not only did I begin to search for the meaning behind the problems that surrounded me, but also for the meaning behind everything which I did not understand. I passed the time by Nurturing my mind; By listening and Seeking Truth, when the Others would not listen. A True curiosity formed within me; Not only for what lay just beyond the grasp of comprehension, but just as much for the comprehension of what could be..
I learned that the soul source of conflict for many of their problems was Emotion; Emotion which drove them to impulse, Emotion which drove them to rage, Emotion which drove them to violence and Chaos. I also acknowledged this sense of Emotion within myself. And though it was mostly joyous, I learned that joy could very well blind me just as much as their rage blinded them. So I learned to Accept Reason and Order in favor of Chaos, and encouraged the Others around me to do so as well.
Well, this Bant way of thinking only lasted so long. Though the Others in my family grew to realize that my insight was quite valuable, they would only listen if I spoke in a language they understood. If anything that I said conflicted with their own perspective outright, I would lose their ear entirely. They would simply twist my words to their own warped sense of righteousness, to use against their 'enemies'. But I still loved them, and through and through I listened to them, day after day, trying to guide them towards a better path.
But that Red, joyous smile was no longer there on my face.
As I started my first days at school, I would keep myself isolated; Knowing that the others would have no patience, just as my family had already shown me. I would keep to myself and stand in the corner voluntarily, observing silently those around me; Without friends.
And both the teachers and the students found me absolutely frightening to try and comprehend.
I was, however, almost ALWAYS at the top of my class, quite Naturally.
Most of them avoided me, though some had tried to victimize me. I didn't retaliate to their beatings and abuse, because deep down I still abhored the idea of hurting the Others. But I also didn't feed into their taunts and ridicule. They left me quite dissatisfied, as they had gained nothing; For I had nothing to take away..
And one day, while I was walking down the hallway, thinking about life, I felt a sudden revelation bloom in my Mind..
What made those other students strive so Ruthlessly to Satisfy themselves at the cost of my Peace? What made my family fight so Ruthlessly to achieve their own Satisfaction at the cost of my Freedom? What have I been missing my whole life, that might be fruitless to the Others, but very fruitful to me, the Individual? What have their discrepancies cost ME? What might those very same discrepancies give unto me instead..
And a Growing Mindset returned the smile to my face once more.
Not a smile of Red, Emotional Freedom, but a smile of Black, Exploitative Satisfaction; If only at the cost of my precious, White sense of Altruism.
From that day forward, I always had a smile on my face, when nobody else did. I always laughed, when the Others cried, so that they might share in my suffering.
I began to whisper Profane Truths to the ears of my enemies, especially myself; Inspiring Fear, and obeying it. And I did this all under the guile of being a True friend; To both the Others, as well as myself, the Individual.
I began to fuel the arguements my family had, from ALL sides, to grow further the reward that I would inevitably reap.
I began to sacrifice not only of myself, the Individual, but of the Others as well, to attain my ideals of Perfection.
I revered the Knowledge that spurred me forward; The Knowledge that grew so boundlessly by the urge to further myself, the Individual, to greater heights; Exploiting what Nature had gifted unto me.
I saw success that I had never comprehended before as a possibility.
And to Mother Nature, I yet again beheld a reverence..
And then I realized what it was all for; How it was all possible.
What Preserved Truth had retained my sense of Peace, even in the face of Progressing Evolution? Even at the cost of my Emotional Freedom? Certainly the Harmony which allowed for such an Evolution in the first place.
What Natural Profanity returned to me a sense of Freedom, even as I Exploited what little I had left of my Altruistic Peace for the sake of Individuality? Certainly that Profanity which I had Accepted.
What saving grace might I inevitably lose, if only I allow for the Growth Mindset to consume me, once and for all?
That answer lays deep within the Green...
I believe it is no coincidence that the majority of the people in my life are Nayan. Perhaps because it is easy for me to utilize an instrument that I so deeply understand. Or perhaps because, deep down, I am reminded of a ghost; Of the treasured spirit I once held within my own soul..
I've always Accepted what the world gifted unto me. And I've always Harmonized, for better or for worse.
And the Green is what I will always intend to embrace.
No matter the cost; No matter the reward. 😎

When my girlfriend and I got together one of the initial things we discussed were children. We both wanted two children in the future. We said we'd likely look to start a family when my girlfriend is in her early 30s (She was 23 when we discussed this and is 25 now, I am 28 now).
Since then we've been on a few holidays abroad and there's a long list of places we want to visit and there's a lot I want to experience. Obviously with work and money, we can't really do a lot of it each year. We're managing between 1 and 2 trips abroad each year (we live in the UK).
Recently I've been thinking about everything we said we want to do and experience and to tick everything off the list it will take a long time. I've also been thinking about the cost of living and while me and my girlfriend are in full time jobs, neither of them are highly paid.
My gfs job will never go above £30k a year and minds will never go above £45k. With paying for rent, bills, savings, holidays etc we don't have a lot left over at the end and having a child would likely be a struggle financially.
That doesn't seem as appealing to me as it did originally and I'd rather go down the list of places I want to visit and see as much of the world as possible. I told my girlfriend I wanted to talk and she asked what it was about.
I told her I no longer think I wanted children and told her the reasons mentioned above. She asked if I was sure and I said while I'm not 100% certain, I am still pretty sure.
She then asked what it meant for us and I said that obviously I'd love to do everything together but I know she wants children so it might mean it is the end for us.
She accused me of stringing her along and lying to her from the start about wanting children and trying to pressure her to stay and give up on the idea of having children which isn't true. She just kept repeating that I have been stringing her along and expecting her to give up on wanting children. How would you handle this?
tl;dr Originally my girlfriend and I said we wanted two children. Recently I've started doubting whether I want children at all for a few different reasons. When I told my girlfriend she accused me of stringing her along and lying to her and expecting her to change her mind about wanting children.

So I was in Elektro, and I had found a car that had all the tires on it and only required a few parts. So I looted Elektro for a bit and eventually got all the parts needed, and after encountering a few players (official server that had like 50 players in it) and killing them I stashed my parts in a location that was fairly hidden, I hid them as I was going to wait for 2 of my friends to head here and we could fix up the car and attempt to drive out of there. So after stashing the parts in a factory, someone opens the 2 big red metal doors and at first I didn’t but when I did I was basically dead once I saw them, I didn’t have a lot of good loot on my guy and cared more about the parts. All I could make out before I died was it was a man wearing basically all yellow. Once I died I just respawned and was confident enough my stash would never be found (spoiler alert it was never found) so I didn’t really care and told my friends to be careful when entering the town. So right after I died one of my friends had just entered the town seconds later, and once they got in they noticed the yellow man I had described to them earlier. So my friend hides in a building and watches the yellow man, but after losing sight of him, just a few seconds later someone runs into his house and it’s a yellow man. He apparently got hit with a pipe wrench and died instantly after a single hit. (from what they described anyway) but after this my other friend was 5 or so minutes away from the town, and when they did arrived into the town they crept around and avoided both areas we died in, but after walking and being very paranoid and checking his surroundings constantly, the yellow man appears and waves at my friend then shoots him. My friend jumped so hard because he said it’s like he appeared out of nowhere, and while this is going down I had also just entered the town after trying to spawn in or near Elektro. I did. spawn in near a gas station outside of Elektro and made my way in. By the time I got in and went to check on my stash, it had been around 2-3 minutes since my friend died. So I scout out the factory and see no one outside it and from what I could tell no one was in it, I even heard the same gunshot which I assumed was from the yellow man. So I go into the factory and right as I enter I see yellow right around the corner and book it. I close the red doors and run as far as I can making sure he can’t see where I’m going. I eventually made it inside a small shed that was fairly far away, and right when I think I’m safe I hear someone outside, it had to be them. So I open the shed and no one is there, so I exit the shed and see no one. But here he comes around the corner, and bam I’m dead. At this point I was assuming I’m getting unlucky, yea maybe I just suck idk. But I spawn and am in Elektro, so Instead of going near where I died or where I stashed the parts I decide to just sit in a building, I’m my mind I’m thinking he will come to me, and I guess I was right, he came straight for me. It scared the shit out of me, just seeing yellow from all their gear and clothing gave me a heart attack. I fired at them, but it seemed infective, I was dead within seconds. At this point I’m starting to think this guys too good and I just suck at being stealthy and hiding. So after I died I kept respawning till I got a spawn near Elektro, and eventually I did, near that gas station again. And when I got this spawn my friend was waiting at the church/temple building, where he yet again encounters this player, so right as he encounters them up there I am in the factory (which is by the two apartments by the train wagons. I hear a gunshot and my friend tells me they died, I grab the crate with the loot and try to head out the red doors with it. I see something around the corner. It looks like the elbow of a player wearing yellow, and they peak their head. It’s him. My friend has just died a few seconds ago and he’s already here? My heart sank and I got so scared, I’m not sure why this scared me so much. But right as I see him I start walking the other way, I could hear him fighting zombies. So I made it into the factory bathroom and I start to logout. As the timer gets closer to 0 I can hear him coming, I was genuinely scared. And right as I hear him at the door, I’m officially logged out.
Sorry if this is horrible writing I was just explaining my experience. I tried to explain this exactly how it went down. But it’s not the same as experiencing it. If they were hacking or not they struck genuine fear in me. They just appeared out of nowhere most the time. As stupid as this sounds that very night I had a nightmare about DayZ, a yellow man was hunting me down. It felt sort of like slenderman. Anyway that’s all, I had to type this on my phone and after a few paragraphs my phone started lagging bad lol