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I got an Mainboard Pro WS WRX80E-SAGE SE WIFI from ASUS. When booting the machine yellow/orange status indicator LED keeps on which indicates a memory problem.
Additionally the following Codes are shown in on the error indicator (looping)
1.) Ad 2.) dF 3.) 36 4.) 03 5.) 95 6.) dE
I used all 8 RAM slots. I also removed the RAM elements one by one and installed just a single slot.
The machine has already ran last week, but after installing all 4 GPUs the problem occured. We built back the system to the previous state (only CPU, RAM, no GPU)
Any ideas?

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I got an Mainboard Pro WS WRX80E-SAGE SE WIFI from ASUS. When booting the machine yellow/orange status indicator LED keeps on which indicates a memory problem.
Additionally the following Codes are shown in on the error indicator (looping)
1.) Ad 2.) dF 3.) 36 4.) 03 5.) 95 6.) dE
I used all 8 RAM slots. I also removed the RAM elements one by one and installed just a single slot.
The machine has already ran last week, but after installing all 4 GPUs the problem occured. We built back the system to the previous state (only CPU, RAM, no GPU)
Any ideas?

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^{2024-05-14T07:36:59Z}

I have scoured high and low for all manner of suggestions on dynolod's forums, reddit, specific ini settings and load orders of mods and i cant get my grass to show up to save my life.
What information do you guys need to give me a headsup on what i need to fix or look at?
I have xedit'd my mods, fixed wild edits manually, completed all the autoclean edits, double checked my load order an tried all the suggested ini fixes i could find. I just cant get it to show up. I know i have multiple landdscape and grass modds but i also have a good amount of patches involved as well.
Heres my load order atm with all conflicts resolved that were originally prompted to me through LOOT. All 200+(mods, not conflicts) of them. Wall of text.
1st is the left window of MO2
0 0 Skyrim.esm
1 1 Update.esm
2 2 Dawnguard.esm
3 3 HearthFires.esm
4 4 Dragonborn.esm
5 5 ccasvsse001-almsivi.esm
6 6 ccBGSSSE001-Fish.esm
254 FE 0 ccbgssse002-exoticarrows.esl
254 FE 1 ccbgssse003-zombies.esl
254 FE 2 ccbgssse004-ruinsedge.esl
254 FE 3 ccbgssse005-goldbrand.esl
254 FE 4 ccbgssse006-stendarshammer.esl
254 FE 5 ccbgssse007-chrysamere.esl
254 FE 6 ccbgssse014-spellpack01.esl
254 FE 7 ccbgssse019-staffofsheogorath.esl
254 FE 8 ccbgssse020-graycowl.esl
254 FE 9 ccbgssse021-lordsmail.esl
254 FE a ccmtysse001-knightsofthenine.esl
254 FE b ccQDRSSE001-SurvivalMode.esl
7 7 cctwbsse001-puzzledungeon.esm
8 8 cceejsse001-hstead.esm
254 FE c ccqdrsse002-firewood.esl
254 FE d ccbgssse018-shadowrend.esl
254 FE e ccbgssse035-petnhound.esl
254 FE f ccfsvsse001-backpacks.esl
254 FE 10 cceejsse002-tower.esl
254 FE 11 ccedhsse001-norjewel.esl
254 FE 12 ccvsvsse002-pets.esl
254 FE 13 ccBGSSSE037-Curios.esl
254 FE 14 ccbgssse034-mntuni.esl
254 FE 15 ccbgssse045-hasedoki.esl
254 FE 16 ccbgssse008-wraithguard.esl
254 FE 17 ccbgssse036-petbwolf.esl
254 FE 18 ccffbsse001-imperialdragon.esl
254 FE 19 ccmtysse002-ve.esl
254 FE 1a ccbgssse043-crosselv.esl
254 FE 1b ccvsvsse001-winter.esl
254 FE 1c cceejsse003-hollow.esl
9 9 ccbgssse016-umbra.esm
10 a ccbgssse031-advcyrus.esm
254 FE 1d ccbgssse038-bowofshadows.esl
254 FE 1e ccbgssse040-advobgobs.esl
254 FE 1f ccbgssse050-ba_daedric.esl
254 FE 20 ccbgssse052-ba_iron.esl
254 FE 21 ccbgssse054-ba_orcish.esl
254 FE 22 ccbgssse058-ba_steel.esl
254 FE 23 ccbgssse059-ba_dragonplate.esl
254 FE 24 ccbgssse061-ba_dwarven.esl
254 FE 25 ccpewsse002-armsofchaos.esl
254 FE 26 ccbgssse041-netchleather.esl
254 FE 27 ccedhsse002-splkntset.esl
254 FE 28 ccbgssse063-ba_ebony.esl
254 FE 29 ccbgssse062-ba_dwarvenmail.esl
254 FE 2a ccbgssse060-ba_dragonscale.esl
254 FE 2b ccbgssse056-ba_silver.esl
254 FE 2c ccbgssse055-ba_orcishscaled.esl
254 FE 2d ccbgssse053-ba_leather.esl
254 FE 2e ccbgssse051-ba_daedricmail.esl
254 FE 2f ccbgssse057-ba_stalhrim.esl
254 FE 30 ccbgssse066-staves.esl
11 b ccbgssse067-daedinv.esm
254 FE 31 ccbgssse068-bloodfall.esl
254 FE 32 ccbgssse069-contest.esl
254 FE 33 ccvsvsse003-necroarts.esl
254 FE 34 ccvsvsse004-beafarmer.esl
12 c ccBGSSSE025-AdvDSGS.esm
254 FE 35 ccffbsse002-crossbowpack.esl
254 FE 36 ccbgssse013-dawnfang.esl
254 FE 37 ccrmssse001-necrohouse.esl
254 FE 38 ccedhsse003-redguard.esl
254 FE 39 cceejsse004-hall.esl
13 d cceejsse005-cave.esm
254 FE 3a cckrtsse001_altar.esl
254 FE 3b cccbhsse001-gaunt.esl
14 e ccafdsse001-dwesanctuary.esm
254 FE 3c _ResourcePack.esl
unofficial skyrim creation club content patch.esl
15 f Unofficial Skyrim Special Edition Patch.esp
16 10 RSkyrimChildren.esm
17 11 MajesticMountains_Landscape.esm
18 12 Lanterns Of Skyrim II.esm
19 13 LegacyoftheDragonborn.esm
20 14 3DNPC.esp
21 15 Water for ENB.esm
22 16 Natural Waterfalls.esp
23 17 Obsidian Mountain Fogs.esm
254 FE 3d MajesticMountains_Moss.esp
254 FE 3e AnimatedShips.esl
254 FE 3f ELAF POI - CRF Compatible.esl
254 FE 40 Lux - Master plugin.esm
254 FE 41 Natural Waterfalls - Dawnguard.esp
254 FE 42 Natural Waterfalls - Dragonborn.esp
24 18 AnimatedCarriage.esm
254 FE 43 3DNPC - MM Moss Patch.esp
254 FE 44 Lux - Resources.esp
25 19 Lux Via.esp
26 1a DynDOLOD.esm
EBT - IC PATCH.esp
Water for ENB - Patch - Folkvangr.esp
27 1b SkyUI_SE.esp
254 FE 45 Particle Patch for ENB.esp
28 1c SMIM-SE-Merged-All.esp
29 1d Audio Overhaul Skyrim.esp
30 1e Immersive Sounds - Compendium.esp
254 FE 46 AOS_ISC_Integration.esp
31 1f EnhancedLightsandFX.esp
32 20 Fabled Forests.esp
33 21 Northern Roads.esp
254 FE 47 ELFX Shadows.esp
34 22 Weapons Armor Clothing & Clutter Fixes.esp
35 23 Shadows.esp
36 24 ELFX - Exteriors.esp
254 FE 48 Verdant - A Skyrim Grass Plugin SSE Version.esp
37 25 JKs Skyrim.esp
38 26 Relationship Dialogue Overhaul.esp
39 27 Vinland Grass Patch.esp
40 28 Cutting Room Floor.esp
41 29 AI Overhaul.esp
254 FE 49 Lux Via - plugin.esp
42 2a Civil War Overhaul.esp
43 2b Helgen Reborn.esp
254 FE 4a LoS II - JKs Skyrim patch.esp
44 2c Embers XD.esp
45 2d Immersive Encounters.esp
46 2e Thunderchild - Epic Shout Package.esp
47 2f Hothtrooper44_ArmorCompilation.esp
48 30 Hidden Hideouts of Skyrim - Merged.esp
49 31 Skyrim Flora Overhaul.esp
254 FE 4b MajesticMountains.esp
50 32 CFTO.esp
254 FE 4c man_DaedricShrines.esp
254 FE 4d Stave Churches - All.esp
254 FE 4e JKs Skyrim - AI Overhaul Patch.esp
51 33 Cloaks.esp
254 FE 4f DBM_ISC_Patch.esp
52 34 ZIA_Complete Pack.esp
254 FE 50 DBM_HelgenReborn_Patch.esp
53 35 Clockwork.esp
54 36 Cathedral Landscapes.esp
55 37 waterplants.esp
254 FE 51 WSLightFade.esp
254 FE 52 LoS II - ELFX patch.esp
56 38 Watchtowers of Skyrim.esp
254 FE 53 BetterQuestObjectives.esp
254 FE 54 moretodo.esp
254 FE 55 LoS II - CRF patch.esp
Embers XD - Patch - JKs Skyrim & LOS2 & ELFX Exteriors.esp
57 39 Immersive Patrols II.esp
254 FE 56 CFTO-JK-Patch.esp
58 3a RabbitsOfSkyrim.esp
254 FE 57 DBM_ELFXExteriors_Patch.esp
254 FE 58 DBM_JKSkyrim_Patch.esp
254 FE 59 moretosayfalkreath.esp
254 FE 5a Project ja-Kha'jay- Khajiit Diversity.esp
254 FE 5b JKs Skyrim_Clockwork_Patch.esp
254 FE 5c DBM_CRF_Patch.esp
254 FE 5d Environs - Whiterun Watchtower.esp
254 FE 5e 3DNPC Alternative Locations.esp
59 3b ForgottenCity.esp
254 FE 5f JKs Skyrim_Cutting Room Floor_Patch.esp
254 FE 60 RW08WanderingMerchants.esp
254 FE 61 DIbella's Blessing.esp
254 FE 62 3DNPC - AI Overhaul patch.esp
60 3c The Paarthurnax Dilemma.esp
254 FE 63 LoS II - 3DNPC addon.esp
254 FE 64 CFTO_Bittercup_JKs_Skyrim_Patch.esp
254 FE 65 moretosayrorikstead.esp
254 FE 66 Embers XD - Patch - Lux Via.esp
61 3d PAN_NPCs_Males.esp
62 3e PAN_NPCs_Males2.esp
254 FE 67 Sons of Nirn - Whiterun.esp
254 FE 68 AI Overhaul - Cutting Room Floor Patch.esp
254 FE 69 CFTO-Lanterns.esp
254 FE 6a ACLine_Whiterun.esp
254 FE 6b Animated Carriage Additional Route.esp
254 FE 6c Animated Carriage Additional Route 0.esp
254 FE 6d CFTO-CoveredCarriages.esp
254 FE 6e moretosaywhiterun.esp
254 FE 6f LoS II - SMIM patch.esp
254 FE 70 moretosayriverwood.esp
254 FE 71 moretosayshorsstone.esp
254 FE 72 LoS II - USSEP patch.esp
254 FE 73 JKs Skyrim_Thunderchild_Patch.esp
254 FE 74 DBM_ZimsThaneWeapons_Patch.esp
254 FE 75 DBM_CloaksofSkyrim_Patch.esp
254 FE 76 DBM_Clockwork_Patch.esp
63 3f Apocalypse - Magic of Skyrim.esp
64 40 dD - Enhanced Blood Main.esp
254 FE 77 SnowOverSkyrim.esp
254 FE 78 MCMHelper.esp
65 41 RaceMenu.esp
66 42 XPMSE.esp
254 FE 79 CBBE.esp
67 43 RaceMenuPlugin.esp
68 44 RaceMenuMorphsCBBE.esp
69 45 AmazingFollowerTweaks.esp
70 46 Cathedral Weathers.esp
71 47 RDO - AFT v1.66 Patch.esp
72 48 RDO - CRF + USSEP Patch.esp
RDO - USSEP Patch.esp
254 FE 7a Cathedral Weathers - Patch - Rudy ENB.esp
254 FE 7b NightEyeENBFix.esp
73 49 Hothtrooper44_Armor_Ecksstra.esp
74 4a KS Hairdo's.esp
75 4b Cloaks - USSEP Patch.esp
76 4c Cloaks - Dawnguard.esp
77 4d RSChildren.esp
78 4e BarenziahQuestMarkers.esp
79 4f UnreadBooksGlow.esp
254 FE 7c AOS_EBT Patch.esp
254 FE 7d 3DNPC - CRF Patch.esp
254 FE 7e 3DNPC0.esp
254 FE 7f 3DNPC1.esp
80 50 RUSTIC SOULGEMS - Sorted.esp
254 FE 80 Cloaks_WACCF_Patch.esp
81 51 1nivWICCloaks.esp
254 FE 81 Skoglendi - A Grass Mod.esp
82 52 FloraOrientalis.esp
254 FE 82 Water for ENB - Patch - ELFX Shadows.esp
83 53 Cathedral - Water.esp
254 FE 83 NW Water Add On.esp
84 54 Extended Encounters.esp
85 55 Radiance.esp
254 FE 84 Patch- CRF + Wandering Merchants.esp
254 FE 85 JKJ - AI Overhaul Patch.esp
254 FE 86 JKJ - USSEP Patch.esp
254 FE 87 Immersive Death Cycle.esp
254 FE 88 moretosaycityguards.esp
254 FE 89 guardencounters.esp
254 FE 8a moretosaygeneric.esp
254 FE 8b moretosaykarthwasten.esp
254 FE 8c moretosayriften.esp
254 FE 8d moretosaywinterhold.esp
254 FE 8e mtsfollowerbanter.esp
254 FE 8f priestsgrantblessings.esp
254 FE 90 secretofrorikstead.esp
254 FE 91 Shaders of Solstheim.esp
86 56 Fluffworks.esp
254 FE 92 Skyrim Snow Dogs.esp
254 FE 93 Bears of the North.esp
87 57 StormLightning.esp
88 58 ENB Light.esp
254 FE 94 ELFX Shadow - ELFX Exteriors Patch.esp
254 FE 95 Lux Via - Blended Roads Bridges Texture sets.esp
254 FE 96 Embers XD - Patch - Goldenhills Plantation.esp
254 FE 97 Embers XD - Patch - ELFX.esp
254 FE 98 Embers XD - Fire Magick Add-On.esp
254 FE 99 BetterQuestObjectives-CRFPatch.esp
254 FE 9a BetterQuestObjectives-DBForevertoMisc.esp
254 FE 9b BetterQuestObjectives-PaarDilemmaPatch.esp
254 FE 9c BetterQuestObjectives-AFTPatch.esp
254 FE 9d BetterQuestObjectives - LOTD Patch.esp
254 FE 9e DBM_ELFX_Patch.esp
254 FE 9f DBM_ForgottenCity_Patch.esp
254 FE a0 DBM_IA_Patch.esp
254 FE a1 DBM_RSChildren_Patch.esp
254 FE a2 DBM_SMIM_Patch.esp
254 FE a3 DBM_UnreadBooksGlow_Patch.esp
254 FE a4 CC-FearsomeFists_WACCF_Patch.esp
254 FE a5 WACCF_Survival Mode_Patch.esp
254 FE a6 DBM_WACCF_Patch.esp
FNIS.esp
FNISspells.esp
254 FE a7 RS Children - AI Overhaul AE edition Patch.esp
254 FE a8 RSC Forgotten City Patch.esp
254 FE a9 AI Overhaul - Relationship Dialogue Overhaul Patch.esp
254 FE aa RSC 3DNPC Patch.esp
254 FE ab RSC CRF Patch.esp
254 FE ac RSChildren + AI Overhaul Patch.esp
254 FE ad CFTO_fix.esp
254 FE ae CC-Fishing_WACCF_Patch.esp
254 FE af CC-NecromanticGrimoire_WACCF_Patch.esp
254 FE b0 ZimsImmersiveArtifacts_WACCF_Patch.esp
254 FE b1 CuttingRoomFloor_WACCF_Patch.esp
254 FE b2 Hothtrooper44_ArmorCompilation_WACCF_Patch.esp
254 FE b3 RSChildren_WACCF_Patch.esp
254 FE b4 Immersive Encounters - RS Children Patch.esp
254 FE b5 CWOLeveled.esp
254 FE b6 DBM_CoSRetexture_Patch.esp
254 FE b7 LoS II - LotD patch.esp
254 FE b8 GDOS - Glorious Solitude Door - Rotation Fix.esp
254 FE b9 GDOS - Splendid Mechanized Dwemer Door.esp
89 59 FasterMiningPlusSE.esp
254 FE ba SMIM Fixes.esp
254 FE bb LoS II - HelgenReborn patch.esp
Embers XD - Patch - ENB Light.esp
90 5a Ordinator - Perks of Skyrim.esp
91 5b Apocalypse - Ordinator Compatibility Patch.esp
254 FE bc Ordinator_WACCF_Patch.esp
92 5c Alternate Start - Live Another Life.esp
254 FE bd BetterQuestObjectives-AlternateStartPatch.esp
254 FE be Alternate Start - Live Another Life_WACCF_Patch.esp
93 5d Water for ENB (Shades of Skyrim).esp
254 FE bf Water for ENB - Patch - Rudy ENB.esp
254 FE c0 Natural Waterfalls - Water for ENB Patch (Shades of Skyrim).esp
94 5e Lux.esp
254 FE c1 Lux - 3DNPC patch.esp
254 FE c2 Lux - Legacy of the Dragonborn patch.esp
254 FE c3 Lux - USSEP patch.esp
254 FE c4 Lux - 3DNPC Alternate Start patch.esp
254 FE c5 Lux - AOS Cathedral Weathers Compatibility Patch.esp
254 FE c6 Lux - Bittercup Patch.esp
254 FE c7 Lux - Bloodchill Manor patch.esp
254 FE c8 Lux - CC Fish patch.esp
254 FE c9 Lux - Cuting Room Floor.esp
254 FE ca Lux - Dawnfang CC.esp
254 FE cb Lux - Dead Mans Dread Patch.esp
254 FE cc Lux - Elite Crossbows.esp
254 FE cd Lux - Water for ENB patch.esp
254 FE ce Lux - Embers XD patch.esp
254 FE cf Lux - Farmer patch.esp
254 FE d0 Lux - Forgotten City.esp
254 FE d1 Lux - Forgotten Seasons.esp
254 FE d2 Lux - Ghosts of the Tribunal CC.esp
254 FE d3 Lux - Goblins CC.esp
254 FE d4 Lux - Goldbrand CC.esp
254 FE d5 Lux - Hendraheim patch.esp
254 FE d6 Lux - Hidden Hideouts of Skyrim patch.esp
254 FE d7 Lux - JK's Skyrim.esp
254 FE d8 Lux - Live Another Life patch.esp
254 FE d9 Lux - Nchuanthumz Dwarven Home patch.esp
254 FE da Lux - Necrohouse patch.esp
254 FE db Lux - Pets of Skyrim CC.esp
254 FE dc Lux - Saints and Seducers patch.esp
254 FE dd Lux - Shadowfoot Sanctum patch.esp
254 FE de Lux - Staff of Hasedoki CC.esp
254 FE df Lux - The Cause patch.esp
254 FE e0 Lux - Tundra Homestead patch.esp
254 FE e1 Lux - Umbra CC.esp
254 FE e2 Lux - Vigil Enforcer CC.esp
254 FE e3 Lux - Watchtowers of Skyrim patch.esp
254 FE e4 Lux - Water for ENB (Shades of skyrim) patch.esp
254 FE e5 Lux - Clockwork.esp
Lux - Brighter interior nights.esp
Lux - HelgenReborn.esp
Lux - Brighter Templates.esp
95 5f DynDOLOD.esp
254 FE e6 Occlusion.esp
Which INI do you guys need that i can provide? I have a bunch of them. prefs, config, skyrim, texgen, dyynolod, enb, enblocal, enbseires...so many of them.
Now its the right window of MO2
1nivWICCloaks.esp
3DNPC - AI Overhaul patch.esp
3DNPC - CRF Patch.esp
3DNPC - MM Moss Patch.esp
3DNPC Alternative Locations.esp
3DNPC.esp
3DNPC0.esp
3DNPC1.esp
_ResourcePack.esl
ACLine_Whiterun.esp
AI Overhaul - Cutting Room Floor Patch.esp
AI Overhaul - Relationship Dialogue Overhaul Patch.esp
AI Overhaul.esp
Alternate Start - Live Another Life.esp
Alternate Start - Live Another Life_WACCF_Patch.esp
AmazingFollowerTweaks.esp
Animated Carriage Additional Route 0.esp
Animated Carriage Additional Route.esp
AnimatedCarriage.esm
AnimatedShips.esl
AOS_EBT Patch.esp
AOS_ISC_Integration.esp
Apocalypse - Magic of Skyrim.esp
Apocalypse - Ordinator Compatibility Patch.esp
Audio Overhaul Skyrim.esp
BarenziahQuestMarkers.esp
Bears of the North.esp
BetterQuestObjectives - LOTD Patch.esp
BetterQuestObjectives-AFTPatch.esp
BetterQuestObjectives-AlternateStartPatch.esp
BetterQuestObjectives-CRFPatch.esp
BetterQuestObjectives-DBForevertoMisc.esp
BetterQuestObjectives-PaarDilemmaPatch.esp
BetterQuestObjectives.esp
Cathedral - Water.esp
Cathedral Landscapes.esp
Cathedral Weathers - Patch - Rudy ENB.esp
Cathedral Weathers.esp
CBBE.esp
CC-FearsomeFists_WACCF_Patch.esp
CC-Fishing_WACCF_Patch.esp
CC-NecromanticGrimoire_WACCF_Patch.esp
ccafdsse001-dwesanctuary.esm
ccasvsse001-almsivi.esm
ccBGSSSE001-Fish.esm
ccbgssse002-exoticarrows.esl
ccbgssse003-zombies.esl
ccbgssse004-ruinsedge.esl
ccbgssse005-goldbrand.esl
ccbgssse006-stendarshammer.esl
ccbgssse007-chrysamere.esl
ccbgssse008-wraithguard.esl
ccbgssse013-dawnfang.esl
ccbgssse014-spellpack01.esl
ccbgssse016-umbra.esm
ccbgssse018-shadowrend.esl
ccbgssse019-staffofsheogorath.esl
ccbgssse020-graycowl.esl
ccbgssse021-lordsmail.esl
ccBGSSSE025-AdvDSGS.esm
ccbgssse031-advcyrus.esm
ccbgssse034-mntuni.esl
ccbgssse035-petnhound.esl
ccbgssse036-petbwolf.esl
ccBGSSSE037-Curios.esl
ccbgssse038-bowofshadows.esl
ccbgssse040-advobgobs.esl
ccbgssse041-netchleather.esl
ccbgssse043-crosselv.esl
ccbgssse045-hasedoki.esl
ccbgssse050-ba_daedric.esl
ccbgssse051-ba_daedricmail.esl
ccbgssse052-ba_iron.esl
ccbgssse053-ba_leather.esl
ccbgssse054-ba_orcish.esl
ccbgssse055-ba_orcishscaled.esl
ccbgssse056-ba_silver.esl
ccbgssse057-ba_stalhrim.esl
ccbgssse058-ba_steel.esl
ccbgssse059-ba_dragonplate.esl
ccbgssse060-ba_dragonscale.esl
ccbgssse061-ba_dwarven.esl
ccbgssse062-ba_dwarvenmail.esl
ccbgssse063-ba_ebony.esl
ccbgssse066-staves.esl
ccbgssse067-daedinv.esm
ccbgssse068-bloodfall.esl
ccbgssse069-contest.esl
cccbhsse001-gaunt.esl
ccedhsse001-norjewel.esl
ccedhsse002-splkntset.esl
ccedhsse003-redguard.esl
cceejsse001-hstead.esm
cceejsse002-tower.esl
cceejsse003-hollow.esl
cceejsse004-hall.esl
cceejsse005-cave.esm
ccffbsse001-imperialdragon.esl
ccffbsse002-crossbowpack.esl
ccfsvsse001-backpacks.esl
cckrtsse001_altar.esl
ccmtysse001-knightsofthenine.esl
ccmtysse002-ve.esl
ccpewsse002-armsofchaos.esl
ccQDRSSE001-SurvivalMode.esl
ccqdrsse002-firewood.esl
ccrmssse001-necrohouse.esl
cctwbsse001-puzzledungeon.esm
ccvsvsse001-winter.esl
ccvsvsse002-pets.esl
ccvsvsse003-necroarts.esl
ccvsvsse004-beafarmer.esl
CFTO-CoveredCarriages.esp
CFTO-JK-Patch.esp
CFTO-Lanterns.esp
CFTO.esp
CFTO_Bittercup_JKs_Skyrim_Patch.esp
CFTO_fix.esp
Civil War Overhaul.esp
Cloaks - Dawnguard.esp
Cloaks - USSEP Patch.esp
Cloaks.esp
Cloaks_WACCF_Patch.esp
Clockwork.esp
Cutting Room Floor.esp
CuttingRoomFloor_WACCF_Patch.esp
CWOLeveled.esp
Dawnguard.esm
DBM_CloaksofSkyrim_Patch.esp
DBM_Clockwork_Patch.esp
DBM_CoSRetexture_Patch.esp
DBM_CRF_Patch.esp
DBM_ELFX_Patch.esp
DBM_ELFXExteriors_Patch.esp
DBM_ForgottenCity_Patch.esp
DBM_HelgenReborn_Patch.esp
DBM_IA_Patch.esp
DBM_ISC_Patch.esp
DBM_JKSkyrim_Patch.esp
DBM_RSChildren_Patch.esp
DBM_SMIM_Patch.esp
DBM_UnreadBooksGlow_Patch.esp
DBM_WACCF_Patch.esp
DBM_ZimsThaneWeapons_Patch.esp
dD - Enhanced Blood Main.esp
DIbella's Blessing.esp
Dragonborn.esm
DynDOLOD.esm
DynDOLOD.esp
EBT - IC PATCH.esp **NOT ENABLED**
ELAF POI - CRF Compatible.esl
ELFX - Exteriors.esp
ELFX Shadow - ELFX Exteriors Patch.esp
ELFX Shadows.esp
Embers XD - Fire Magick Add-On.esp
Embers XD - Patch - ELFX.esp
Embers XD - Patch - ENB Light.esp **NOT ENABLED**
Embers XD - Patch - Goldenhills Plantation.esp
Embers XD - Patch - JKs Skyrim & LOS2 & ELFX Exteriors.esp
Embers XD - Patch - Lux Via.esp
Embers XD.esp
ENB Light.esp
EnhancedLightsandFX.esp
Environs - Whiterun Watchtower.esp
Extended Encounters.esp
Fabled Forests.esp
FasterMiningPlusSE.esp
FloraOrientalis.esp
Fluffworks.esp
FNIS.esp **NOT ENABLED
FNISspells.esp **NOT ENABLE**
ForgottenCity.esp
GDOS - Glorious Solitude Door - Rotation Fix.esp
GDOS - Splendid Mechanized Dwemer Door.esp
guardencounters.esp
HearthFires.esm
Helgen Reborn.esp
Hidden Hideouts of Skyrim - Merged.esp
Hothtrooper44_Armor_Ecksstra.esp
Hothtrooper44_ArmorCompilation.esp
Hothtrooper44_ArmorCompilation_WACCF_Patch.esp
Immersive Death Cycle.esp
Immersive Encounters - RS Children Patch.esp
Immersive Encounters.esp
Immersive Patrols II.esp
Immersive Sounds - Compendium.esp
JKJ - AI Overhaul Patch.esp
JKJ - USSEP Patch.esp
JKs Skyrim - AI Overhaul Patch.esp
JKs Skyrim.esp
JKs Skyrim_Clockwork_Patch.esp
JKs Skyrim_Cutting Room Floor_Patch.esp
JKs Skyrim_Thunderchild_Patch.esp
KS Hairdo's.esp
Lanterns Of Skyrim II.esm
LegacyoftheDragonborn.esm
LoS II - 3DNPC addon.esp
LoS II - CRF patch.esp
LoS II - ELFX patch.esp
LoS II - HelgenReborn patch.esp
LoS II - JKs Skyrim patch.esp
LoS II - LotD patch.esp
LoS II - SMIM patch.esp
LoS II - USSEP patch.esp
Lux - 3DNPC Alternate Start patch.esp
Lux - 3DNPC patch.esp
Lux - AOS Cathedral Weathers Compatibility Patch.esp
Lux - Bittercup Patch.esp
Lux - Bloodchill Manor patch.esp
Lux - Brighter interior nights.esp **NOT ENABLED*
Lux - Brighter Templates.esp **NOT ENABLE**
Lux - CC Fish patch.esp
Lux - Clockwork.esp
Lux - Cuting Room Floor.esp
Lux - Dawnfang CC.esp
Lux - Dead Mans Dread Patch.esp
Lux - Elite Crossbows.esp
Lux - Embers XD patch.esp
Lux - Farmer patch.esp
Lux - Forgotten City.esp
Lux - Forgotten Seasons.esp
Lux - Ghosts of the Tribunal CC.esp
Lux - Goblins CC.esp
Lux - Goldbrand CC.esp
Lux - HelgenReborn.esp **NOT ENABLED**
Lux - Hendraheim patch.esp
Lux - Hidden Hideouts of Skyrim patch.esp
Lux - JK's Skyrim.esp
Lux - Legacy of the Dragonborn patch.esp
Lux - Live Another Life patch.esp
Lux - Master plugin.esm
Lux - Nchuanthumz Dwarven Home patch.esp
Lux - Necrohouse patch.esp
Lux - Pets of Skyrim CC.esp
Lux - Resources.esp
Lux - Saints and Seducers patch.esp
Lux - Shadowfoot Sanctum patch.esp
Lux - Staff of Hasedoki CC.esp
Lux - The Cause patch.esp
Lux - Tundra Homestead patch.esp
Lux - Umbra CC.esp
Lux - USSEP patch.esp
Lux - Vigil Enforcer CC.esp
Lux - Watchtowers of Skyrim patch.esp
Lux - Water for ENB (Shades of skyrim) patch.esp
Lux - Water for ENB patch.esp
Lux Via - Blended Roads Bridges Texture sets.esp
Lux Via - plugin.esp
Lux Via.esp
Lux.esp
MajesticMountains.esp
MajesticMountains_Landscape.esm
MajesticMountains_Moss.esp
man_DaedricShrines.esp
MCMHelper.esp
moretodo.esp
moretosaycityguards.esp
moretosayfalkreath.esp
moretosaygeneric.esp
moretosaykarthwasten.esp
moretosayriften.esp
moretosayriverwood.esp
moretosayrorikstead.esp
moretosayshorsstone.esp
moretosaywhiterun.esp
moretosaywinterhold.esp
mtsfollowerbanter.esp
Natural Waterfalls - Dawnguard.esp
Natural Waterfalls - Dragonborn.esp
Natural Waterfalls - Water for ENB Patch (Shades of Skyrim).esp
Natural Waterfalls.esp
NightEyeENBFix.esp
Northern Roads.esp
NW Water Add On.esp
Obsidian Mountain Fogs.esm
Occlusion.esp
Ordinator - Perks of Skyrim.esp
Ordinator_WACCF_Patch.esp
PAN_NPCs_Males.esp
PAN_NPCs_Males2.esp
Particle Patch for ENB.esp
Patch- CRF + Wandering Merchants.esp
priestsgrantblessings.esp
Project ja-Kha'jay- Khajiit Diversity.esp
RabbitsOfSkyrim.esp
RaceMenu.esp
RaceMenuMorphsCBBE.esp
RaceMenuPlugin.esp
Radiance.esp
RDO - AFT v1.66 Patch.esp
RDO - CRF + USSEP Patch.esp
RDO - USSEP Patch.esp **NOT ENABLED**
Relationship Dialogue Overhaul.esp
RS Children - AI Overhaul AE edition Patch.esp
RSC 3DNPC Patch.esp
RSC CRF Patch.esp
RSC Forgotten City Patch.esp
RSChildren + AI Overhaul Patch.esp
RSChildren.esp
RSChildren_WACCF_Patch.esp
RSkyrimChildren.esm
RUSTIC SOULGEMS - Sorted.esp
RW08WanderingMerchants.esp
secretofrorikstead.esp
Shaders of Solstheim.esp
Shadows.esp
Skoglendi - A Grass Mod.esp
Skyrim Flora Overhaul.esp
Skyrim Snow Dogs.esp
Skyrim.esm
SkyUI_SE.esp
SMIM Fixes.esp
SMIM-SE-Merged-All.esp
SnowOverSkyrim.esp
Sons of Nirn - Whiterun.esp
Stave Churches - All.esp
StormLightning.esp
The Paarthurnax Dilemma.esp
Thunderchild - Epic Shout Package.esp
unofficial skyrim creation club content patch.esl **NOT ENABLED**
Unofficial Skyrim Special Edition Patch.esp
UnreadBooksGlow.esp
Update.esm
Verdant - A Skyrim Grass Plugin SSE Version.esp
Vinland Grass Patch.esp
WACCF_Survival Mode_Patch.esp
Watchtowers of Skyrim.esp
Water for ENB (Shades of Skyrim).esp
Water for ENB - Patch - ELFX Shadows.esp
Water for ENB - Patch - Folkvangr.esp **NOT ENABLED**
Water for ENB - Patch - Rudy ENB.esp
Water for ENB.esm
waterplants.esp
Weapons Armor Clothing & Clutter Fixes.esp
WSLightFade.esp
XPMSE.esp
ZIA_Complete Pack.esp
ZimsImmersiveArtifacts_WACCF_Patch.esp

I don't really no where to start. I feel I've lost myself, consumed with anxiety and guilt and fear and regret and I fear, this new fear, that it's going to be the end of me if I don't start to get it out in some way, shape or form.
I guess I'll begin at the beginning...
​
I had a difficult childhood with fairly neglectful parents. A mother who openly expressed she never felt she really stepped into her mom shoes until she gave birth to my younger sister, who is three years younger than me. She is my only sibling. My mother told me when I was a kid that she "had to love me", but when my sister came around "she was finally a mother and over the moon", or simply "I always always wanted a girl". I'm not sure if this could be attributed to Post-partum depression, not that she ever researched that or was daignosed with it. That's probably just me trying to pardon my mother or something to the effect. She was 17 when she had me and I'm sure times were different then, my parents both were raised religious, father christian, mother mormon. Maybe their guilt. I ask myself why they brought me into this world if I wasn't wanted to begin with. Or, give me up for adoption to a set of guardians that would have loved me better. I know I was an accident and that's not what gets me down, I get that life be lifing and what happened happened. My difficulties stem from the feeling that my presence never gave my mother any sense of purpose, responsibility or love, or concern. She was emotionally unavailable to me virtually my entire life and I feel like that caused many issues later in my life and how I perceive myself and what I deserve. Coupled with the fact that my neglect met such extremes that I am frankly shocked that I was never picked up by child care services, maybe things were different in the 90's. I'm not sure, I was just a child then.
Much of my upbringing I didn't receive a lot of the things most people would consider essential. As a baby my crib was the sock drawer, then I grew large enough to have a closet, then slept on the floor of a walk-in closet, then I had a single bed from what I recall for maybe a year or maybe two years and I remember feeling metal springs poke me in the my ribs and I recall it being uncomfortable enough for me to move back to sleeping on the floor next to the ratty old used mattress my father found from who knows where. I remember feeling like I had to keep that secret, that the mattress they gave me was uncomfortable enough for me to sneak sleeping on the floor next to it. I think I was really afraid as coming across as ungrateful. My father came from a third world country, so the "gratefullness issue" was address frequently by my mom because "I don't have it even half as bad as what my father had to endure. And she was probably right. But it just silenced me ultimately, didn't put things into a mature context for me. I just learned that I can't complain about anything ever. Anyway, that trend didn't really change when I grew older. grade 9-10 I was sleeping on the living room couch so my sister could have privacy and a bedroom to exist in for herself - which I realize is important for an individual so I encouraged her to have the bedroom. Although I figured my parents expected me to do this for my sister regardless. I was okay with making sacrfices for those I love, it was instilled in me from a very very young age.
I do feel like my father took advantage of me in the form of labour as well, having to do custodial work with my father from 10pm to 3am, at two highschools I believe he was contracted, at that young age I honestly enjoyed just spending time with my father I think, working alongside him. When I was in grade 2 and 3 I had garbage bag duty for all the students bathrooms, and I remember loving snapping the bags open by rushing air into the bag and making it blow up like a baloon. I remember the scary unlit shadowy hallways that I couldn't perceive the ends of. No bodies to see, it felt eerie but exciting in a way - like it was a whole different world.
School was a different experience for me. It was very stressful, my parents had to move a few times a year because they would dodge rent or just generally be selfish with their dual income. They loved to party hard on the weekends. I remember wondering why my father did this to himself all the time. Hoping that we could spend quality time on a saturday, but he wouldnt get out of bed until just before dinner. I didn't really understand hangovers or alcoholism and how it meant our plans would get cancelled. I think I remember trying to wrap my head around willful self-poisoning for entertainment and how could that be more enjoyable then spending time with your son? I couldn't tell my mother why I was so sad about it. Why I didn't want to move again and again and again. Why I found it so difficult to make new friends everytime I had to switch schools. Why I couldn't just do one single full school year with one class of students. It was so hard and at the time, I didn't know anything different. It was so hard to make friends and I think it created this approach to making a "new family" of friends when I became a teenager and young adult.
​
I remember always wanting to be a "good kid". The "best kid" for my parents. I feel like my parents attached this moniker to me that made things harder for me to mature into a rounded adult later in life. My parents always flaunted me as this point of accomplishment, the accomplishment that I was "so extremely well behaved". I would strive to be super polite, and a good host, try to help out when my parents had their friends over, literally fill their cups when the opportunity presented themselves. I think I did this because I must have made the conclusion that if I was quiet, super polite, helpful and useful then I had value. That I could be loved. That I could earn this love from my parents through acts of service.
I remember feeling like my sister and I had extremely different experiences growing up. When my parents were at work I took care of her, cleaned and cooked. one time my sister told my mom to eff off when she was 5 and I was 8. My mind was blown. I couldn't wrap my head around the fact that she had the bravery and courage to defy my mother. Looking back, my sister was just mirroring the language she learned from my parents from whenever they fought. I remembering seriously worrying and getting scared that my father was going to belt her, or use the coat hanger, which was his preference with me. I feel like my mom was always checked out and I'm hurt that she allowed my father to take his rage out on me. That my mom could care less about me being beat, but never my sibling. It was very confusing and difficult for me to process. Not that I really processed it much as a kid. I honestly just wanted to be loved and be the best child possible. Honestly though, 'm seriously so glad that my sister was spared all of that complete non-sense. I don't wish that on anyone in the world. There were some punishments where he would walk in and tell me to pull my pants down without explanation. I have memories of tearing up and saying I didn't know why this was happening, asking what I did wrong and he would just remind me that if I resisted then I would get it worse and to hurry up and get ready. My father has since apologized. I think it is how he was raised. I didn't know what to say in response, but I told him I loved him and it's in the past. But I don't know if I was being honest when I said that. My mother would still gaslight me to this day if any of this became topic of discussion, not that I'm guessing. A year ago she told me that much of my pained memories were false and this never happened. My father on the other hand typically stays pensive and unchallenging.
It seems so damned crazy writing all of this out, it feels like a heartbreaking novel and not my life at all. But it was and is my life. I have difficulties opening up and expressing my feelings and advocating for myself when the moments are true and appropriate to do so. I know it's the healthier way to communicate, but I was literally taught to stay quiet and be useful. Fast forward 20-25 years and I'm going to be 35 and I feel like just ending it all. Every year my birthday passes and I'll get a text from my family happy birthday. But they know I'm in a difficult place, they know I miss them, they know I love them and forgive them, I try the high road whenever I can but I just don't see the point anymore. they won't celebrate my life and existence, but they'll throw family gatherings for each other, birthdays, christmas, fathers day and mothers day.
On that note, another mother's day has recently passed and my mother never invited me over, I texted my father three weeks in advance in hopes of securing a time to come over and celebrate my mothers life with my family as a family. I felt particularly stung this mother's day when they celebrated and didn't text or call to invite me over. I live in the same small town so it's easy to hop over. I literally live three blocks away.
Anyway, my mother was diagnosed with cancer over christmas this year and I have been worrying for my mother ever since and thinking about my life with her and the mortal coil and the finite mount of time I may have with her. I feel like there is a large empty part in my heart that wishes my mother and I could go grab a coffee together. She can show me her ipad app art that she has been really excited about for a couple years now. She loves showing off her digital art and I love seeing her joy and how proud she is about her art. I just don't know why she couldn't feel the same for me, her only son. Maybe I'm just a her dissapointment.
I dropped out of highschool and left the family home when I was 16. I just couldn't work for my dad during the night AND go to highschool AND socialize. Something had to give. Unfortunately it was highschool and my parents didn't really care about that at all. They were just... fine with it. they supported my sister through college and she was fortunately able to graduate with a veterinary degree of sorts. she still lives with them now as she pays off her student debt, but I left and travelled and worked on music for over a decade so I admit that I was entirely out of the family picture for some time. But as I get older, not wanting to repeat the mistakes of my parents I fear that that is precisely what's been creeping up in my life.
five years ago I met the absolute most wonderful human being and I am so lucky to have my partner in my life. She and I are engaged now and set to be married. I hoped that the news would overwhelm my parents with excitement and joy. Maybe a facebook post about their son, share some family pictures or something. But they did nothing at all. I think they showed off pictures of the trip to Mexico that week instead.
I just don't really understand how I'm this unworthy of their love and unfortunately now I'm realizing that illusion that I am unworthy has infected my relationship with my fiance. I love her so much but when I can't fix everything in her life I feel like I am the failure and the guilt overhelms me so much and the guilt is such a strong motivator for me, and it usually motivates me into becoming the biggest doormat in the world. I've never worked harder for a relationship or invested this much energy. I feel she deserves it. But I don't advocate for myself. So I build up resentment. Like I clean the house constantly and work and help bail out of her bad spending habits and cover her rent without question and this and that. To be clear, she doesn't take advantage of me and that's not how I feel about it. But I do let this annoyance build up inside of me because I don't know how to communicate my feelings in a healthy way. I'm scared I'll lose the person if I speak up, or I'll be gaslit. Again, that's not my partner that gaslights. That's just generally how I feel I'll be treated if I open up with people. It all goes back to my childhood. It's affected every friendship and work relationship I've had since.
When I was 20-ish, 15 years years ago I did the classic, "seek the relationship that most comfortably fits into the patterns you experienced with your parents". And so I trapped myself in a horrific and extremely damaging relationship with a girl I'll call K. She has undiagnosed bipolaBPD, she would never seek help but self-medicate. She ended up in the hospital maybe four times for self-harming and this where she was considered to have these diseases by a few doctors on different occasions. Anway, it turned into a relationship of abuse and it wasn't exactly new territory for me. I was ashamed in that 8 year relationship. I wanted out so bad, but she would threaten to unalive everytime I tried to get away. Of course, some weeks would go by and i would get my hair pulled out of my scalp, a knife waving in the air in front of my face, spat in the face, kicked, punched, bit, a pot of freshly boiled ramen soup thrown in my face and eyes. What's worse is that I seeked police intervention on multiple occasions. Every single time the police visited, they talked me out of pressing charges, asking me " well if she doesn't have any place to go, then do you have a place you can stay at, or the shelter?". twice they talked me out of a restraining order, that legal proceedings would take forever. Adn de-escalting me from wanting to take measures to ensure my safety because she may end up on the street as a result. To this day, I absolutely wish I advocated for myself here and pushed for a restraining order. I'm so mad at myself for not doing so.
Unfortunately, fast forward a couple years into that relationship and one evening everything would finally hit the fan. I told her to never touch me again and I absolutely meant it. she had just yanked out the largest chunk of my hair to date, to the point where my scalp was bleeding and I could even see epidermal matter still attached to the folicle ends that were in her clenched fingers. My head bled a bit and I pushed her off of me. Telling her that I needed to leave, that I was walking to my secure jam space just a 10 minute walk away. It had a leather couch in a cold concrete basement, but hey at least I would be safe for the night and I could play my drums and try and blow off this anxiety and fear in a way that was safe albeit very noisy.
She hated that I wanted to leave and convinced herself I would never return. To be fair, that was the energy I had. I never wanted to see her face again and have her name on my lips after that night. So her tactic was simple, to threaten me with calling the cops and tell them that I violently pushed her. I called her bluff and said "go ahead and I will just tell them everything you've done - yet again. All I am doing is going to the space to sleep, I said, maybe play drums." She called the cops and told them she was pushed into a wall, and she felt very unsafe. Which yes, I did push her off me when she attacked me. In the past, I tried various tactics, to run away didn't work, she just always chased me down. Or sometimes I would just sit there while she was violent against me and I just "dissapeared" kind of like how I would when my dad used his coat hanger. This time, I just pushed her off of me, I was done with the relationship at that point and we both knew it. Anyway, she called the police, they arrived and when questioned I told them that I pushed her off of me in self-defence. I was drinking that night and it didn't help my case as I was arrested without question that evening and I was charged on the spot without question with domestic assault. It devasted me. I asked the police how this could happen lawfully. That she is an abuser and there is a history of this multiple times. That I've requested a restraining order. They explained that in quebec the laws are a little different and in the case domestic cases, if there is a male aggressor against a female, then the male is automatically charged to the fullest extent. I was absolutelyu devasted by this. I can't tell you the amount of fear and anger I felt in that jail cell that night.
I feel so incredibly betrayed by the justice system, keep in mind, this is law that from what I understand is only in Quebec, I was there for music at the time with an old friend whom I am no longer in contact with. I don't think the rest of the country operates under law in this way. Now I appreciate that they are vigilant about woman abuse victims, but the law shouldn't be this absurdly biased. It just doesnt feel just and fair to me. Covert abusers shouldn't be able to take advantage of the justice system in this way, but it happens.
It was an awful experience, I was homeless for a couple months afterward, not allowed to retrieve my belongings, so I lost all of my life "crap" that I had built up, years of hardwork and investment. I mention this because I realize later in life that I have intense collecting behaviour. maybe as a self-soothing behaviour. But I love building up collections of my hobby stuff as I have many and I feel they keep me regulated and it's a form of therapy for me. In any case, I lost everything when I left that whole situation. It sucks, although ultimately it's clearly best that I got out of that dreadful circumstance. I flew across the country to my hometown and to be closer to my family and old friends from highschool. It's quite a small town mind you.
Unfortunately, my classic tendency to hide and not advocate for myself created an opportunity for my abusive ex. A year following those events, despite me assuring her that I had to block her because I flew away to start a new life provinces away. That I wished her the best. That I even promised I would never tell a soul what she did to me. Not to mention that unfortunately we live in a society where nobody really has an ounce of sympathy for a male abuse victim. I had every intention to keep that promise, but she couldn't trust me ultimately. I think her logic was maybe to just beat her ex to "the punch". Kill or be killed or something like that. I don't live my life like that so I don't really know what her plan was. But she made a bunch of posts on various social media platforms for all of our mutual friends, music friends, coworkers etc. that the relationship was over and she was free. That she got out of a cycle of abuse and she was ready to start a new chapter of her life. She never used my name, just that she was glad she got away from her toxic and abusive ex once and for all.
It was exactly like that night a year prior, she threatened me with this outcome she could design for me, and I called her on her bluff by saying I was still going to block her and I can't control what she does with her life or how she conducts herself, but that I was out and to never contact me ever again. She made me regret that decision.
The posts she made that day got so many likes and support from so many of our mutual friends, even musician mates that were closer to me than her, and it absolutely destroyed me, not just internally but socially. I no longer make music anymore and it hurts to go outside into the world because it feels like everybody sees me as this monster. And still I don't have a voice to inform anyone otherwise - except my family and my fiance. I have no friends anymore. They all left my life with the belief that I did all of these horrible and awful things.
I just don't trust people anymore as a result and it's just caused me to become extremely bitter and depressed. I ruminate on the past, maybe in attempts to fix the past so I can move on. So I could do better, so I don't have to punish myself for my mistakes in the past. But it just reopens every emotional wound I have and they never get a chance to heal. That was maybe 7 years ago now and I'm still replaying these events in my head every single morning for about 1 - 2 hrs. Then I go completely numb for the majority of the rest of the day, shallow breathing, and the mildest sadness that mascarades as fatigue and disinterest.
There are some days where I seriously fear for the future and I just feel like every cruel soul will inherit this earth and that's the future, they built this world of suffering and they deserve to inherit it. Their toxic flag staked so deep into the earth in reclamation. The future isn't holding any seats for people like us. I'm so heartbroken and defeated. I feel like white-wolfing my fiance because she deserves better than this traumatized person that hides from the world. I feel like giving her my collection of collections so she can sell it all off and pay off her 10k of credit debt, then with this act of kindness I can go out not feeling like a guilt-ridden defeated loser. And leave on a high note.
When I'm alone, I get trapped in these ruminating cycles and it's the angriest I ever get. It's reached the point where I feel like I am actually reliving all this past trauma every morning and I can't do it anymore. I just feel like I am so at the end of whatever this ride was.
I don't have any friends anymore and everyone but my fiance thinks I am a monster and it's just unbearable.
I just don't even know. I am even afraid that someone will read this post and suss through all of this and make the connection. Then I'll get another new email or random throwaway account with an insta message that says "I told you you would never be able to get over me. You can move on, but you will never be able to erase the past. Never truly. You know where to find me."
It's haunting and it's poisonous. I just feel haunted and poisoned and I don't know if there is a snake oil potent enough or antitode true enough to get me back to the generous, lighthearted, energetic kid I once was.
To whoever was willing to read through all of this, thank you for hearing me out. I don't know what advice I am even asking for here. I'm hoping just speaking this out into the world in some way can alleviate this misery. I don't know.

Hola cómo dice el título, compré un piano digital hace 3 semanas en Amazon mexico, sin embargo no me convenció del todo por el precio que pague. Mi duda es, el accesorio donde van las partituras es una pieza de plástico y ya se rayo con las mismas hojas de las partituras y ya no cuento con las bolsas de los manuales y adaptadores, ¿me pueden rechazar el reembolso por esos detalles que acabo de mencionar? que todo lo demás está en perfectas condiciones.
Cuánto han tardado en hacerles el reembolso?
Gracias de antemano.

Hola cómo dice el título, compré un piano digital hace 3 semanas en Amazon mexico, sin embargo no me convenció del todo por el precio que pague. Mi duda es, el accesorio donde van las partituras es una pieza de plástico y ya se rayo con las mismas hojas de las partituras y ya no cuento con las bolsas de los manuales y adaptadores, ¿me pueden rechazar el reembolso por esos detalles que acabo de mencionar? que todo lo demás está en perfectas condiciones ni rayones ni nada.
Gracias de antemano.

Español

Es un hecho que la CFE no tiene la capacidad de generar luz y que las empresas privadas debería de actuar incluso se le debería facilitar a la gente poder tener paneles solares en sus casas, juntándole el hecho que existe mucho nepotismo en la CFE lo cual hace que sea ineficiente.

Hola cómo están? Soy de Uruguay y tengo pactado un viaje a mexico con mi familia a Cancún en 7 meses el cual podría terminar con mi quedada en el país. Quisiera trabajar de cosas que me brinden experiencias nuevas y trabajar en un hotel all inclusive podría ser lo que estoy buscando. Cómo hago para acceder a esas ofertas? O cuando vaya hablo con gente de hoteles para saber a quién referirme? Tengo buena presencia, sé inglés pero tmb debería sacarme con tiempo un permiso d trabajo? Agradezco su lectura. Saludos (ah tmb quiero mucha fiesta)

What’s up guys! Gonna share some insights, especially for the younger guys.
Stats: 20y- 6’0 - Handsome/Cute (6-7/10) - Nice Build Mediterranean looking + Mixes (🇻🇪 fam)
Context: Well travelled since youth, not rich but was a family thing to do. By default became a passport bro haha. Difficult kid, intelligent odd ball, not bad with girls but bad with girls lmao. Good but weird upbringing. Chaotic and a bit of a demon, impulsive, low self control. (Much more mature now)
Mexico 🇲🇽 Ok let’s get into it. My first real experience and love was at 19. I was in a bad place for many years prior and didn’t let people in. Anyways so yeah I met a 🇲🇽 girl who I found really cute through mutuals in the capital. I rarely found any Mexicans cute, so she was special in that point of view. We also had many similarities and I loved how feminine she was compared to girls back home. Beautiful country and culture I thoroughly recommend CDMX as a beginner location. I quickly began solo traveling to 🇲🇽 to see my “friend” and it quickly got out of hand and ended abruptly in a moment of my immaturity. I learned many things though: Long distance is not my style- too complicated and heart wrenching- I quickly made a mental note to not take any relationships serious. Also noted to be weary of girls who approach you haha. Here is where I noticed how insane I pulled outside of the country. I live in a city which has the most hyper-competitive sexual market in the United States (world) and I still do surprisingly well (especially at night lol). But nothing compares. Also I’m a Latino by blood so the dating culture just feels better.
Venezuela 🇻🇪 Anyways after the Mexico era I went on a family trip to Venezuela which I basically haven’t been there since my balls dropped. Wow. The natural beauty of Venezuelans is striking. Beautiful girls everywhere. The country itself is a mess. Everything is slow, expensive, and inconvenient. Had some fun there with a local girl but was not able to enjoy as much as I wanted to as I was with family the entire time. I don’t use tinder- all IRL into instagram as a funnel. Maybe I’ll explore more with dating apps as I get many matches especially overseas but the quality seems shitty and it can be a waste of time also a lame way to meet people. Never got to go out or party solo-dolo so that was a bummer. Will be back soon enough though so I’ll update you guys on Venezuela Nightlife experience. All I can say is it’s the second most beautiful place when it comes women I’ve been to. The country itself is by far the most beautiful place I’ve ever been. Terrible government- felt surprisingly safe though.
Europe 🇪🇺 Ok here’s were it gets weird haha. So Europe is definitely a place with more nuance. With that said I went to both western and eastern locations. It’s much easier to have casual sex in Western Europe due to the culture. Many American and European solo traveling girls as well… they are rather promiscuous. Eastern Europe was by far a beauty haven. From Romania to Russia you will find some of the most beautiful women on earth just walking on the street. The culture shock is large though and dating becomes a bit more “serious” which for me doesn’t work. I would recommend Europe as a traveling destination if you think you’re up for it. I did well and met, partied with, and traveled with girls but I felt like it the more east I went it just wasn’t the right vibe for that. Which is a bummer because Western European girls don’t compare to for example Ukrainians and Moldova. The farthest east I went was Turkey and the girl I was with had to sneak out everyday out of fear of being basically ostracized. Turkish people are very nice though. Spain was the most degenerate place I was in, if I wanted to party everyday I pretty much could. Great food, pricing varies widely based on economy, girls get hotter the more you go east but also more tricky. Great location to party hard, techno, etc.
So when it comes to Europe results may vary on many things. Your relative attractiveness, your ability to adapt and be outgoing even in “colder” nations, and how you carry yourself + where you stay. Staying in good locations is key. As an American you either get a buff or a de-buff and “wealth” is the main factor. European girls are very direct. Which I found off putting. Latin culture can be hyper sexual but I find it more classy.
Pro tips 🧠: - Don’t drink too much- you’ll get robbed or worse - Don’t get attached to anyone if you’re solo traveling it’s “solo” for a reason. Explore man. - Have travel cards with 0 international/atm fees - Learn how to say “hi” “nice to meet you” “my name is” “you’re gorgeous” in whatever language it shows you’re somewhat cultured. - If you’re young fuck the clubs! Go to raves, underground events, concerts, festivals. The young person and pretty girl ratio is 100x better. - Party hostels are a great way to meet “fun” people - Be careful with drug use, have been fine but honestly most of it is just unnecessary lmao. - Pub crawls are the easiest way to get laid in Europe lmao. Everyone is there for a reason. Just don’t do it if the ratio is completely busted as it’s not good for meeting local girls and stay away from the girl guides- trust.
Future travels 🌎 Peru 🇵🇪 - Machu Pichu + Lima Brazil 🇧🇷 - 🤤 nuff said Colombia 🇨🇴 - Venezuela lite more dangerous imo Argentina 🇦🇷 - seems fun
Asia as well- China 🇨🇳 would be crazy. Rarely find Asians cute but some are gorgeous.
Please share your thoughts / tips on these locations as I will be there shortly.

Buenas noches, estaba leyendo una nota donde a partir de Junio va empezar a separarse Citibanamex en 2 entidades(Citi mexico y Banamex), disculpen la ignorancia pero qué pasarán con los clientes actuales? Debería sacar mi dinero de ahí? o qué debería hacer? Cuál de las 2 bancas se van a quedar con los clientes clásicos(cuenta de ahorro, AFORE, tarjeta de crédito).
Busque info pero no es muy claro sobre exactamente que va a pasar. Gracias!
https://www.elfinanciero.com.mx/opinion/jeanette-leyva/2024/05/13/empieza-la-separacion-de-empleados-de-citi-y-banamex/?outputType=amp

Hola chicos, últimamente me ha entrado mucho las ganas de estar escuchando postcast mientras estoy en la oficina solo, pero la verdad no encuentro algunos que me interesen o que estén actualizados pero hechos en Nicaragua, ya saben algo de conversación , no tan político, más de jodedera, tipo la cotorrisa de Mexico.. pero no encuentro nada parecido… recuerdo que hace mucho escuchaba uno de unos chavalos que se llamaba “ hablando pajas” pero ya no existe, borraron su sitio en Spotify.
Alguien me recomienda algunos que quizás no sepa.
Posdata: los de lo gemelos al cuadrado me gusta su estilo pero no son muy activos haciendo postcast, ni hablando de temas actuales, ya me los escuche todo.
Gracias

Si, esta bien para pasar el rato y todo. Pero de ahi a ser fanatico y pasarte mucho tiempo viendo como unos jugadores se pasan la pelota pues es simplemente una perdida de tiempo mires por donde lo mires. Lo peor es que la comunidad de futbol es muy toxica, en Latinoamerica, por ejemplo, le hacen memes a Mexico por no saber jugar futbol y muchos mexicanos magicamente se vuelven economistas cuando ni tiene nada que ver jaja, una cosa de locos

Hola, MexicoFinanciero
Actualmente tengo cuentas con tres bancos (cuatro si contamos a BBVA, pero tengo tanto tiempo sin usar la cuenta que posibilemente ya la hayan cancelado y ni me acuerdo de las credenciales para entrar en la app). Todas son cuentas básicas generales con Banregio, Citibanamex y HSBC, y también cuento con tarjeta de crédito con cada uno de ellos (la Más de Banregio que nunca uso pero la tengo porque no cobran anualidad, la de Costco Citibanamex que uso sólo en Costco y la HSBC 2Now que he venido usando para todos los demás gastos del mes, incluyendo promociones bancarias).
La cosa es que ahora con la 2Now quedándose fuera de las promociones bancarias, necesito tener otra tarjeta que sí responda en estas fechas y sólo me queda Banorte como la opción más lógica.
Vivo en el norte del país y hoy fui precisamente a un Banorte donde me atendieron con amabilidad y me explicaron algunas dudas que tenía, así como una veritifación de mi buró para ver las posibles tarjetas que podía adquirir. Apartentemente soy aplicable para todas menos la Platinum (me quedé a 4K pesos de ella) y la Infinite, dígase: Clásica, Oro, AT&T Elite, Para Ti, etc.
La cosa es que sólo me dan 44K pesos de línea de crédito (cuando en la de Costco tengo 102K y en la de HSBC 92K) y sólo la primera anualidad es gratis, así que estaba pensando que tal vez la opción más sensata sería quedarme con la Clásica y usarla únicamente en estas fechas, mientras conservo la 2Now para todo lo demás (con su 2% de cashback) y la de Citibanamex exclusivamente para Costco como hasta ahora.
Pensé también en la AT&T Elite porque fácilmente gasto más de 20K pesos al mes y entiendo que cada trimestre te regresan 1,500 pesos, pero parece que no hay forma de exentar anualidades con las tarjetas de Banorte (salvo de la Platinum para arriba) y aparte tengo desconfianza de que al ser tarjeta afiliada con AT&T, en un futuro se quede sin bonificaciones del Hot Sale/Buen Fin con la excusa de que es una tarjeta corporativa o que ya regresa efectivo de bonificación (como acaba de ocurrir con la 2Now de HSBC).
También me metieron por los ojos la Oro, pero en todo caso preferiría la AT&T Elite que también es de nivel oro, o en su caso, la Clásica para pagar la menor anualidad posible y sólo usarla en fechas de promociones.
¿Ustedes qué harían en mi lugar? Me gusta la idea de gastar los 10K pesos mensuales en la AT&T Elite para obtener 1,500 pesos cada trimestre (que sería un 5% de cashback comparado con el 2% que me da HSBC) y así formar historial con Banorte con la posibilidad de subir a una Platinum en el futuro, mientras que ya sólo usaría la 2Now para cubrir los 3,500 mensuales que piden para evitar comisión y la de Citibanamex como hasta ahora, sólo para Costco y su gasolina. Sólo me echa para atrás que se quede fuera de las promociones algún día, como dije antes.
Al parecer me darían mañana mismo cualquiera de ellas y podría aprovechar las ofertas del Hot Sale, aunque no tengo claro que vaya a comprar muchas cosas esta vez, pero sería un punto a favor.
Perdón por el tamaño del post y gracias de antemano por sus comentarios.

Pinches mamadas...
Que sale que violan a mi mamá... en Italia lo ordena un tal cura puto...
Aquí nadie tenia que ver con lo de Chihuahua... solo era banda amiga buena onda...
En chihuahua le dieron en la madre a dos curitas... de los Franciscanos...
Andaban "Haciendo su CIA.."
"Haz tu CIA..."
Todo era ya tenían ellos una supuesta operación...
Que gente tan más pendeja... el NSE los datos Dr mexico... no aguantan ni el primer round... de entrada viene el ban...
Enfrente de el tal barco restaurante... final de la película el billboard que sale de "The Whole 9 yards..."
Ahí pusieron un Anuncio de una clinica de Luz pulsada para corregir Temas de "La Cara"
No había visto el video de LM... "La incondicional" la última vez lo vi venía del Kinder...
Cual Cara... Carta...
Total...
Salimos del cine una tarde yo y mi papá... le digo... oye que jodido estas de esas manchas... mañana vamos al dermatologo Zuñiga Ahued... tu amigo... le vamos a pedir te las quite con eso de luz pulsada. "Se que tiene la maquina... me la enseño hace muchos años... como 20 años..."
Fuimos la consultorio... lo metieron para adentro... me dicen "joven usted no puede pasar..." me quede en la antesala...
Siguió...
Que paso te pusieron la luz pulsada? No... solamente me dieron medicamento y unas lociones... ah ok...
Resultó...
Que luego supe... "Nunca le quedaste a deber nada a las personas te manejaban el almacén y la aduana en México DF..."
"Cuando tu mamá compró lo de su alta frecuencia... las máquinas estuvieron 1 semana en el almacén de Braniff"
Supe de que trato todo... es más hasta inventaron que una muchacha de la primaria llamada Anif se había muerto... "a mi que me importa"
De ahí vi un blog... "solo lee el libro de Gilles Lambert..." y ya...
Lo leí... siguieron con todo esto... qie tienen una escala... arriba...
Que ya han violado todo para quedarse aquí como unos reyes...
No pues menos me van a parar a llegar al avión hacia Japón...
"No vas a necesitar mucho llegar de ahí a el Studio Ghibli..."

contexto, vivi en varios paises mientras andaba de vagabundo del mundo y en la mayoria de las partes un trabajo part time significaba un trabajo donde obtenias la mitad del sueldo del full time pero trabajando la mitad de tiempo, suena logico no? llegando a chile para continuar mi carrera me encontre con un muro bastante curioso, los part time en este pais obtienen la mitad del pago de un full time pero trabajando apenas 10 horas menos que el full time.
por ejemplo, en la mayor parte de los lugares que he encontrado trabajo me ofrecen unos poderosos 370 lucas al mes trabajando 30-35 horas a la semana, practicamente un full time!
por logica un part time deberia trabajar 15-20 horas a la semana recibiendo la mitad del sueldo base (en mi desconocimiento de leyes) y un full time en todo derecho deberia recibir la remuneracion completa trabajando 40_45 horas a la semana.
me parece curioso como la gente ha aceptado estos trabajos full time disfrazados de part time y se ha conformado con la mitad del sueldo y esto me trae mas inquietantes que nada, viendo el caso de mexico donde ya se considera part time un trabajo de 8 horas al dia por 5 dias y full time un trabajo de 12 horas al dia por 6 dias. Sera que lentamente nos vamos acercando a la situacion que vive mexico?

contexto, vivi en varios paises mientras andaba de vagabundo del mundo y en la mayoria de las partes un trabajo part time significaba un trabajo donde obtenias la mitad del sueldo del full time pero trabajando la mitad de tiempo, suena logico no? llegando a chile para continuar mi carrera me encontre con un muro bastante curioso, los part time en este pais obtienen la mitad del pago de un full time pero trabajando apenas 10 horas menos que el full time.
por ejemplo, en la mayor parte de los lugares que he encontrado trabajo me ofrecen unos poderosos 370 lucas al mes trabajando 30-35 horas a la semana, practicamente un full time!
por logica un part time deberia trabajar 15-20 horas a la semana recibiendo la mitad del sueldo base (en mi desconocimiento de leyes) y un full time en todo derecho deberia recibir la remuneracion completa trabajando 40_45 horas a la semana.
me parece curioso como la gente ha aceptado estos trabajos full time disfrazados de part time y se ha conformado con la mitad del sueldo y esto me trae mas inquietantes que nada, viendo el caso de mexico donde ya se considera part time un trabajo de 8 horas al dia por 5 dias y full time un trabajo de 12 horas al dia por 6 dias. Sera que lentamente nos vamos acercando a la situacion que vive mexico?

Nunca he jugado DnD y me gustaría aprender. Me limita no tener el juego en sí, y que no tengo amigos que sepa que lo jueguen, pero he visto que aquí lo hacen.
VIA DISCORD
Me gustaría unirme a un grupo de rol de mexico y de preferencia si son del norte del país, y que jueguen por la tarde noche.
Si desean a un integrante nuevo o un grupo de principiantes para iniciar con un dm experimentado aquí uno disponible.
Si es necesario comprare el juego en estos dias