This is me venting but am also curious to know what everyone's relationship is like with half-siblings. Here's my story. I'm sorry in advance for how long this is, along with the grammarun-ons. I'm trying to give the Reddit community as much context as I can dating as far back as my memory takes me.
I (F 28) have two younger biological sisters (identical twins, F 25). The three of us were born after my dad married my mom (arranged marriage) after he and his first wife got divorced.
I believe my dad's first marriage lasted about 10 years. They had two kids together (my half-siblings). My older brother and I have an 8-year age difference, and my older sister and I have a 10-year age difference. Growing up, they used to visit us a few times a year including summer break or alternating holidays. Sometimes they would visit during Thanksgiving, other times during Christmas.
We used to be pretty close (at least I thought), but the relationship has become increasingly strained through the years. I understand the fact that there are ALWAYS two sides to every story, but I believe that my dad was on the right side of things and the marriage ended because two people weren't compatible and got married too young. It's always unfortunate when there are kids involved, and I'm sure it was tough with my older siblings being impacted at a young age.
It started when our grandpa (my dad's dad) passed away in November 2015. My brother suddenly stopped talking to my dad/our family immediately for whatever reason. He was the only person that didn't come to my grandpa's funeral. I honestly think he was holding a grudge that he didn't find out immediately when my grandpa passed, but I can't be too sure. We've never addressed that directly.
Fast forward 8 months to July 2016, when my dad's side of the family had a reunion at a first cousin's wedding. The vibes from my brother were like nothing had happened, and then after the wedding weekend, he was back to being silent. When my grandma (dad's mom) passed away in June 2019 he didn't show up to the funeral then either. Granted I didn't, but not because I didn't want to. I was a poor grad student and couldn't afford an $800 ticket on short notice and didn't want to burden my parents to pay for me to fly back for a couple of days either on top of how busy they were with funeral arrangements.
My brother went about 5 years to not talk to my dad or any of us. Then, out of nowhere, he calls one day to announce that he's getting married. The wedding is set for October 2022. I think he was buttering up my dad and our family to come to the wedding, because he knew it would look bad if everyone asked where his dad was for his wedding, and it would reflect poorly on him. The communication in 2022 was pretty consistent leading up to the wedding, and my older siblings would call my dad almost every weekend knowing that they needed us to show up to the wedding.
My older sister (F 38) had a baby girl in July 2018. Our dad was thrilled, his oldest daughter made him a grandpa. But there is clear separation and favoritism there, as my niece only sees her mom's side of the family being in the same area in the DMV. For those who aren't familiar with DC/MD/VA, my older sister lives in Virginia, in Arlington, and her mom lives in Herndon. About a 30-minute drive from each other. My parents live across the country in Orange County, so visits are far and few in between for my dad and his grandchild. I live on the Maryland side, and the state line between Maryland and Virginia is roughly 30 min, depending on where you go and the time of day. Anyway, I don't even know if my niece knows that she has another grandpa, outside of what she knows about my sister's mom and stepdad, and my brother-in-law's parents, who split time between the US and Nepal. I feel so bad for my dad because that's his grandkid too and everyone deserves the joy of being involved in their grandkids lives. My dad has seen my niece several times but the relationship is pretty surface level. It's not her fault, she doesn't know him like she does my sister's mom and stepdad, plus it's a proximity thing living on opposite sides of the country. We have FaceTime for these reasons though.
My husband and I aren't ready to have kids yet, and we want them. We've only been married for almost 7 months so we're still trying to live life before we settle down. I hope nothing more than to be able to give my parents a grandkid one day because I want my dad and mom to experience what they missed from my older half-siblings isolating them from their kids. That is if I'm able to have kids, I know we can't control these things.
This brings me to my next point (if you're still reading this, I appreciate you). My husband and I got married in October 2023. Our parents on both sides did everything they could to give us the wedding of our dreams, and it was everything we imagined and hoped for, and I'm forever grateful for that. I know that my wedding hit my dad harder emotionally than the first two with my older siblings because he was not at all involved during theirs. That wasn't by choice, my older siblings' mom probably didn't want him to be involved. Divorced dynamics are so confusing. You're telling me you can't come together and be civilized for a day/weekend? After my wedding, a few months later, sometime in January or February 2024, my dad called me to talk about how my sister was upset after our wedding and she vented about a few things with him on the phone. He was relaying the message over.
For context, I uploaded our wedding pictures on Facebook, because I have so many family members overseas in Nepal who weren't able to attend the wedding, and it was honestly the most convenient way to showcase our pictures since people in Nepal are ridiculously active on Facebook. My sister has social media, my brother got rid of his TwitteFacebook/Instagram/everything many years ago. Our photographer took several thousand pictures throughout the wedding weekend events, and of course, there were moments captured of my older sister and her family, including my brother-in-law, and niece. I will admit out of spite since my sister never posts anything about me and my dad/family, I tagged but then later on deleted those pictures she was in. Why would I have pictures of her on my social media when she's never posted anything of us? She doesn't even like or comment on anything on my social media, and when you have siblings, this is not something you discuss, you just do it. Duh. Over the last few days, I unfollowed her and unfriended her on Facebook and Instagram. For me, it makes no sense to keep people on my newsfeed if I don't interact with them, and I have plenty of family members and friends that I already have a strongemore communicative relationship with.
If my sister was upset about this, why did she call my dad to vent about this months later instead of coming to me? My dad told me she complained that he didn't mention her or my older brother during his speech at our wedding. But am I wrong for thinking, why would he? It's a celebration for me and my husband. I thought that was very conceited and selfish. The day wasn't about her, and my dad's speech was so heartfelt that I cried. I believe she was offended she didn't get the same during hers. However, my sister and brother never asked our dad to give a toast at their weddings. Only their mom did, which is messed up in my opinion.
I understand divorce is messy and complicated, and people go through years of therapy to fix, or maybe even never fix issues completely. It's hard, and I'm just a product of his second marriage. But I've never understood the jealousy that seems to exist, specifically between my older sister and me.
I tried reaching out to both of them in a group iMessage, talking about how I am not happy with the way they're treating our dad. My brother has stopped calling my dad completely over the last few months since his son (my dad's second grandkid) was born a few months ago in February. My sister calls maybe once a month. I wanted to confront them about this ongoing behavior and ill will toward our family. They didn't even have the guts to respond to me, I suggested if they have time to FaceTime so we can have a real adult conversation about what is their issue. My parents are flying to DC this weekend and the original plan was to drive a few hours north so they could see my brother's baby. No communication with my brother whatsoever to coordinate. I feel devastatingly sad for my dad.
I'm not even going to get into their treatment of my mom. That's another long story, but basically, it's them not giving a hoot about her, even though she's the one who took care of them and stepped up when they visited growing up. As a stepmom, it's hard to deal with kids from a previous marriage. But she did it and she loves them, and they're nothing but passive-aggressive and mean to her. They never wish her happy birthday, happy Mother's Day, or my parents happy anniversary. It takes two seconds. For me, if you disrespect my parents, you're disrespecting me.
Since then, my sister has unfollowed and unfriended everyone on social media, including my dad, my younger sisters, and my husband. All because she couldn't handle that I did that to her. I'm just not for this nasty behavior, and I know we all need to unpack a lot in therapy (me and my older siblings specifically). Their behavior is cowardly, and I can't be the only one that thinks this, right? I don't know. It didn't have to be like this. I'm sure their mom has been telling them bad things about the marriage and my dad for years. I'm not saying he probably didn't make mistakes, but there are, once again, two sides to everyone's story. None of us kids have heard both sides directly from the source, and probably never will. It makes me sad, especially for my dad. I know life will go on. I tried to reach out, and if they don't want to talk about these issues like adults, then I have nothing else to say.

NSFW Warning
I truly don't know what to do anymore, I'm completely lost.
I'm a 20 year old male with autism and possible OCD.
There are many things I want to talk about so this is going to be really long and unorganised.
From age 18 up until last year, I viewed and masturbated to CSAM, and the way I went about getting hold of it is equally bad, if not worse. I cannot express in words the shame and remorse I feel for this.
I know most of you hate me now and I don't blame you, and I guarantee you I hate myself more for it.
The most confusing part about it is I don't find children attractive, there's no groinal response, urges, desires, arousal, nothing. I don't even take a second glance or stare, the only thing I have is intrusive thoughts. Recently I was sat in the corner of a crowded bus, and since there was nowhere else to sit, three boys, none of which could have been older than 13 sat by me, one next to me, and the other two across from me, to which I felt nothing of that nature whatsoever.
My instincts when I've been around children in recent times is purely parental and protective.
I'd never hurt a child, especially in that way, I'd slit my wrists or set myself on fire before I did that, I might just slit my wrists anyway.
I'd run into a burning building, I'd run out onto a busy road, I'd give my life to save a child's life.
I don't go out of my way to be around children, I find them for the most part irritating, I don't hate them though. Throughout my entire life I preferred the company of adults. I even live across from a playground ffs.
I'm scarred for life by some of the things I saw in those images and videos, how the hell could someone do something like that?! I want to climb through the screen and protect those kids, give them a hug and let them know nothing can hurt them anymore.
I stumbled across an image hosting site when I was 16 whilst trying to find material involving my peers again, and the site hosted lots of cropped images of teens on webcams and older kids on webcams (it was obvious what they were doing), and on the page for the accounts, it usually displayed an email where stuff could be traded, but I didn't pursue that until 2 years later.
I went about acquiring it through sending old images and videos of myself, and in a lot worse way as well.
Starting from 14 up until last year, I very occasionally placed my phone in the bathroom and filmed my friends urinating, this happened definitely less than ten times, and most of them I deleted from everywhere, but I kept one and a screenshot of a few others, I started posting these images, as well as my own nudes, on an old reddit account which was deleted not long after, I made sure to hide their identities while doing this, I enjoyed the attention and compliments I would get, and I loved bigging up my friends and seeing them get compliments.
Then I used this content to acquire the bad stuff years later, including the stuff of me.
I had an Idea that this was considered wrong but I didn't understand how it could have been harmful.
This happened to less than 5 friends, all the content I had I have long since deleted and wiped any access to, and I have no intention to do this again, but the main issue is the fact that copies could have been made of it, and I accidentally sent the uncropped video once. There's the possibility none of this stuff is out there, but it's still vile and repulsive.
One of them was my closest friend, who I had known basically all my life, I broke down to him and told him what I had done and what I believe does me to this awful, reprehensible place, and you know what he did? He told me he forgave me and that some video possibly being out there doesn't phase him and his life isn't ruined at all and it will go on either way.
But he understandably said we can't see each other anymore, that he still loves me, believes I'm a good person and wants me to live a good life and make the world a better place, which was a dream of ours.
It's extra difficult because we were so close, we had experienced so much together, held all the same interests and beliefs, and I loved him only like family could, so the fact I committed this vile act of betrayal rids me with so much shame, and deservedly so. In a way I find it harder to get through because I didn't understand the true consequences of my actions and how this could have affected him and others, it would be less confusing and easier to accept I'm just the lowest form of humanity that way.
I displayed other problematic behaviours from a young age, all to do with boundary issues, I sometimes used to touch my friends when I was 12 but never their actual genitals, and I used to jokingly show my erection to people as well.
The only constant that I knew for certain is wrong is genuine rape and molestation, which is a line I know for certain I could never cross, and never will.
From a very young age (around 3 or 4) my mother would do very inappropriate party tricks around me with her friends late at night when they were drinking, her friends would call me sexy, and as I got older and hit puberty, she started making comments about my bulge and other things despite the fact I hated it and told her so.
When I was 7 I was groomed and molested by an 8 year old boy, I wanted him to help me pass a level on my DS game and he said he'll do it if I have sex with him, me being 7 I didn't understand what that was and with him being older I complied. We were naked during this, he fondled my genitals and got me to do the same to him, he inserted his fingers into my anus as well.
When I was 10, two of my close friends groomed me, they simulated blowjobs on each other and got me to do the same to them.
When I was 11, my 12 year old friend groomed and molested me despite me protesting, he got me to get in my bed with him and he rubbed up against me. Earlier that day he also got me to sit in his lap whilst cuddling me from behind, we were wearing underwear.
When I was 13, that same friend when he was nearly 14 and another friend who was already 14 groomed and molested me in my pool again, I had an erection in the pool and jokingly showed one of them it, and it escalated from there. They both got naked and got me to do so, I protested but eventually gave in to the pressure, they also showed each other their genitals and got me to do the same, later that boy got me to sit in his lap again whilst the older boy rubbed up against me.
There was also just the normal experimenting stuff, one of my friends used to show me his erections and I would do the same.
All of my friends were going through puberty and their bodies were changing and so was mine, which I found incredibly fascinating and arousing, and I had seen most of my friends genitals and some other students genitals throughout growing up, so me being young and autistic, I became very curious.
Kids before finishing Elementary/Primary School were swearing and talking about sex, then as I got older (11) kids were drinking, smoking, doing drugs, talking about masturbation habits and apparently having genuine sex. Then by the time I was 13, there was a lot of students taking nudes, nudes being spread around school and nudes being leaked (including mine, which distressed me for a few days, but only because people knew they were mine, if they were spread around but they didn't know it was me, I wouldn't have cared), kids with condoms and other stuff etc.
I started watching non-pornographic sexual content online (sex scenes from movies, TV shows, games etc) at age 9 which I would genuinely get an erection from watching.
At age 10 I hit puberty (testicles largened) and I started masturbating to non pornographic stuff. Including videos of animals mating. I also tried to find stuff involving my peers and found a fake video of stuff suggestive of that.
At 11 I started to grow pubic hair and had my first ejaculations, as well as discover porn, and I had my first crush which was on a 12 year old boy who was another friend, who I would masturbate to. This crush lasted a number of years, but he was straight so it couldn't go anywhere. This was also the age I started taking nudes and videos of me masturbating.
At 12 I started to grow underarm har and facial hair began to appear on my upper lip, I was watching porn very heavily at this point.
At 13 my voice had broken and I was nearly my full adult height, this was also the age I first masturbated to a non-sexual nude image of a child. As well as videos of stuff like naturism and videos of circumcision (I don't have a pain or gore fetish, I would just blank it out and focus on the genitals.)
By 14 I was my full adult height, I had adult sized ejacualtions and my penis had fully grown. And that is when I started posting my nudes online. To which I would have sexual conversations with adults, not knowing I was setting myself up to be groomed and have something normalised in my head which shouldn't be.
By 15 I was growing facial hair, as well as chest and abdominal hair. And I found a shotacon involving a boy my age having sex with an adult woman, and I would pretend to be him.
At 17, a 19 year old flirted with me and got me into sending nudes to him, and he did the same, which I didn't see as bad and despite it being technically illegal, I still don't.
I also did the same when I was 19 with a 17 year old stranger online, but they were very willing and I didn't pressure them, no personal info was shared between us.
I also messaged a 15 and 14 year old at some point but stopped myself from letting it go any further. And cut them off before anything could be shared.
And when I started watching the CSAM, it was mostly teens 9n webcams that I watched, I was lured into thinking that this content isn't kids being assaulted or anything (which it is) and due to my experiences twisting my view, I thought kids were enjoying it (which they weren't) since I would have had enjoyed it at that age (which I wouldn't have) it wasn't until I saw unmistakable suffering which is when I stopped and vowed to never go there again. It was mostly stuff involving boys, the stuff involving girls I just found too revolting. I wanted to relive those experiences, go back to a time I was happier. It felt safe and comforting.
All of these experiencs warped my views and understanding of things, desensitised me and made me believe things were ok that weren't and that kids aren't as innocent as they are seen to be (which they are). I have never commited rape or an act of molestation and never will, these are acts I've always seen as vile and disgusting.
I've suffered with mental health issues for a long time as well.
I've struggled with feelings of self-hatred and worthlessness since around 9 or 10.
I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety at 13, I've been self harming and suicidal since 15, I've also been attempting suicide since 15.
I've always felt like the odd one out, I always felt like I was the worst at everything, I was the one who was left out of games at school, the one who was always picked last in sports.
I was bullied a lot growing up, by students and occasionally teachers alike.
My mother is narcissistic and has been emotionally and occasionally physically abusive to me since I was 14 (telling me she hates me and that everyone else hates me, tells me how horrible I am, tells me that I should kill myself and do everyone a favour, threatened to stab me in my sleep, hit me on the occasion, bit me, threw things at me, including heavy things and glass, strangled me).
I truly don't know what to do anymore, I'm completely lost.
I'm a 20 year old male with autism and possible OCD.
There are many things I want to talk about so this is going to be really long and unorganised.
From age 18 up until last year, I viewed and masturbated to CSAM, and the way I went about getting hold of it is equally bad, if not worse. I cannot express in words the shame and remorse I feel for this.
I know most of you hate me now and I don't blame you, and I guarantee you I hate myself more for it.
The most confusing part about it is I don't find children attractive, there's no groinal response, urges, desires, arousal, nothing. I don't even take a second glance or stare, the only thing I have is intrusive thoughts. Recently I was sat in the corner of a crowded bus, and since there was nowhere else to sit, three boys, none of which could have been older than 13 sat by me, one next to me, and the other two across from me, to which I felt nothing of that nature whatsoever.
I'm sexually attracted to males 20 and over, and I'm romantically and sexually attracted to females 20 and over, I wouldn't even date an 18 or 19 year old.
My instincts when I've been around children in recent times is purely parental and protective.
I'd never hurt a child, especially in that way, I'd slit my wrists or set myself on fire before I did that, I might just slit my wrists anyway.
I'd run into a burning building, I'd run out onto a busy road, I'd give my life to save a child's life.
I don't go out of my way to be around children, I find them for the most part irritating, I don't hate them though. Throughout my entire life I preferred the company of adults. I even live across from a playground ffs.
I'm scarred for life by some of the things I saw in those images and videos, how the hell could someone do something like that?! I want to climb through the screen and protect those kids, give them a hug and let them know nothing can hurt them anymore.
I stumbled across an image hosting site when I was 16 whilst trying to find material involving my peers again, and the site hosted lots of cropped images of teens on webcams and older kids on webcams (it was obvious what they were doing), and on the page for the accounts, it usually displayed an email where stuff could be traded, but I didn't pursue that until 2 years later.
I went about acquiring it through sending old images and videos of myself, and in a lot worse way as well.
Starting from 14 up until last year, I very occasionally placed my phone in the bathroom and filmed my friends urinating, this happened definitely less than ten times, and most of them I deleted from everywhere, but I kept one and a screenshot of a few others, I started posting these images, as well as my own nudes, on an old reddit account which was deleted not long after, I made sure to hide their identities while doing this, I enjoyed the attention and compliments I would get, and I loved bigging up my friends and seeing them get compliments.
Then I used this content to acquire the bad stuff years later, including the stuff of me.
I had an Idea that this was considered wrong but I didn't understand how it could have been harmful.
This happened to less than 5 friends, all the content I had I have long since deleted and wiped any access to, and I have no intention to do this again, but the main issue is the fact that copies could have been made of it, and I accidentally sent the uncropped video once. There's the possibility none of this stuff is out there, but it's still vile and repulsive.
One of them was my closest friend, who I had known basically all my life, I broke down to him and told him what I had done and what I believe does me to this awful, reprehensible place, and you know what he did? He told me he forgave me and that some video possibly being out there doesn't phase him and his life isn't ruined at all and it will go on either way.
But he understandably said we can't see each other anymore, that he still loves me, believes I'm a good person and wants me to live a good life and make the world a better place, which was a dream of ours.
It's extra difficult because we were so close, we had experienced so much together, held all the same interests and beliefs, and I loved him only like family could, so the fact I committed this vile act of betrayal rids me with so much shame, and deservedly so. In a way I find it harder to get through because I didn't understand the true consequences of my actions and how this could have affected him and others, it would be less confusing and easier to accept I'm just the lowest form of humanity that way.
The other two friends I stopped communicating with, I wiped the account wiped the content from all areas they were stored on, deleted what they were stored, everything, and there is a possibility it's not out their at all.
I displayed other problematic behaviours from a young age, all to do with boundary issues, I sometimes used to touch my friends when I was 12 but never their actual genitals, and I used to jokingly show my erection to people as well.
The only constant that I knew for certain is wrong is genuine rape and molestation, which is a line I know for certain I could never cross, and never will.
From a very young age (around 3 or 4) my mother would do very inappropriate party tricks around me with her friends late at night when they were drinking, her friends would call me sexy, and as I got older and hit puberty, she started making comments about my bulge and other things despite the fact I hated it and told her so.
When I was 7 I was groomed and molested by an 8 year old boy, I wanted him to help me pass a level on my DS game and he said he'll do it if I have sex with him, me being 7 I didn't understand what that was and with him being older I complied. We were naked during this, he fondled my genitals and got me to do the same to him, he inserted his fingers into my anus as well.
When I was 10, two of my close friends groomed me, they simulated blowjobs on each other and got me to do the same to them.
When I was 11, my 12 year old friend groomed and molested me despite me protesting, he got me to get in my bed with him and he rubbed up against me. Earlier that day he also got me to sit in his lap whilst cuddling me from behind, we were wearing underwear.
When I was 13, that same friend when he was nearly 14 and another friend who was already 14 groomed and molested me in my pool again, I had an erection in the pool and jokingly showed one of them it, and it escalated from there. They both got naked and got me to do so, I protested but eventually gave in to the pressure, they also showed each other their genitals and got me to do the same, later that boy got me to sit in his lap again whilst the older boy rubbed up against me.
There was also just the normal experimenting stuff, one of my friends used to show me his erections and I would do the same.
All of my friends were going through puberty and their bodies were changing and so was mine, which I found incredibly fascinating and arousing, and I had seen most of my friends genitals and some other students genitals throughout growing up, so me being young and autistic, I became very curious.
Kids before finishing Elementary/Primary School were swearing and talking about sex, then as I got older (11) kids were drinking, smoking, doing drugs, talking about masturbation habits and apparently having genuine sex. Then by the time I was 13, there was a lot of students taking nudes, nudes being spread around school and nudes being leaked (including mine, which distressed me for a few days, but only because people knew they were mine, if they were spread around but they didn't know it was me, I wouldn't have cared), kids with condoms and other stuff etc.
I started watching non-pornographic sexual content online (sex scenes from movies, TV shows, games etc) at age 9 which I would genuinely get an erection from watching.
At age 10 I hit puberty (testicles largened) and I started masturbating to non pornographic stuff. Including videos of animals mating. I also tried to find stuff involving my peers and found a fake video of stuff suggestive of that.
At 11 I started to grow pubic hair and had my first ejaculations, as well as discover porn, there was also an image I masturbated to which depicted a boy of my age giving oral to a man, and I had my first crush which was on a 12 year old boy who was another friend, who I would masturbate to. This crush lasted a number of years, but he was straight so it couldn't go anywhere. This was also the age I started taking nudes and videos of me masturbating.
At 12 I started to grow underarm har and facial hair began to appear on my upper lip, I was watching porn very heavily at this point.
At 13 my voice had broken and I was nearly my full adult height, this was also the age I first masturbated to a non-sexual nude image of a child. As well as videos of stuff like naturism and videos of circumcision (I don't have a pain or gore fetish, I would just blank it out and focus on the genitals.)
By 14 I was my full adult height, I had adult sized ejacualtions and my penis had fully grown. And that is when I started posting my nudes online. To which I would have sexual conversations with adults, not knowing I was setting myself up to be groomed and have something normalised in my head which shouldn't be.
By 15 I was growing facial hair, as well as chest and abdominal hair. And I found a shotacon involving a boy my age having sex with an adult woman, and I would pretend to be him.
At 17, a 19 year old flirted with me and got me into sending nudes to him, and he did the same, which I didn't see as bad and despite it being technically illegal, I still don't.
I also did the same when I was 19 with a 17 year old stranger online, but they were very willing and I didn't pressure them, no personal info was shared between us.
I also messaged a 15 and 14 year old at some point but stopped myself from letting it go any further. And cut them off before anything could be shared, or any messages could be exchanged for that matter.
And when I started watching the CSAM, it was mostly teens 9n webcams that I watched, I was lured into thinking that this content isn't kids being assaulted or anything (which it is) and due to my experiences twisting my view, I thought kids were enjoying it (which they weren't) since I would have had enjoyed it at that age (which I wouldn't have), it wasn't until I saw unmistakable suffering which is when I stopped and vowed to never go there again. It was mostly stuff involving boys, the stuff involving girls I just found too revolting. I wanted to relive those experiences, go back to a time I was happier. It felt safe and comforting. It was relatable.
All of these experiencs warped my views and understanding of things, desensitised me and made me believe things were ok that weren't and that kids aren't as innocent as they are seen to be (which they are). I have never commited rape or an act of molestation and never will, these are acts I've always seen as vile and disgusting.
I've suffered with mental health issues for a long time as well.
I've struggled with feelings of self-hatred and worthlessness since around 9 or 10.
I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety at 13, I've been self harming and suicidal since 15, I've also been attempting suicide since 15.
I've always felt like the odd one out, I always felt like I was the worst at everything, I was the one who was left out of games at school, the one who was always picked last in sports.
I was bullied a lot growing up, by students and occasionally teachers alike, and even my boss at my first job.
My mother is a heavy drinker, narcissistic and has been emotionally and occasionally physically abusive to me since I was 14 (telling me she hates me and that everyone else hates me, tells me how horrible I am, tells me that I should kill myself and do everyone a favour, threatened to stab me in my sleep, hit me on the occasion, bit me, threw things at me, including heavy things and glass, strangled me). There was also manipulation tactics like gaslighting, she alienated me from others by telling her friends and family how awful I was. Pushed me into meltdowns and got me to lash out, to which she called the police and got me arrested and made me look like the bad one on multiple occasions.
My father was a drug addict who died when I was 14, I saw him less than ten times my whole life, he grew drugs in my room when I was an infant, my most distinct memory is him coming to my house very late one night when I was around 9 or 10 talking about demons and bad spirits.
Addiction runs in my family (my father's father is an equally heavy drinker, his mother is a drug addict who ran a brothel), so the addictive tendencies have been past down to me.
I probably was addicted to porn by 13, and had been feeding it for years without knowing it.
My adopted grandfather died when I was 4, and my adopted grandmother (which I lived with from birth) who was my guiding light, died less than a week before my dad did.
The only father figure I really had (who was an alcoholic but otherwise very good with me) was my mother's partner who she met when I was 6, and he died when I was 8.
I was also very close to my mother's best friend, who had been more of a mother to me than my actual one had been some time died when I was 17.
My mother had an abusive ex who stalked her and threatened to set fire to the house, who also left ranting letters and stood in the back garden at night, so we lived in fear of stuff like that for over a year from when I was 12 through 13.
She also had an abusive lodger who was an even heavier drinker than she is, so from when I was 14 through 16 I witnessed them physically fight, both get arrested and on a few occasions I had to defend her from him.
Many of my friends have betrayed me over the years (I know I'm one to talk) but when this started to happen I would have never dreamed of betraying anyone, personal stuff was shared about me which I trusted them with, there was a lot of bad talking about me without me knowing. My toe closest friend turned on me at age 12 and isolated me from my other friends, I blamed myself at the time which I why I moved schools at 13 since I thought I was just making everyone miserable.
I didn't get diagnosed with autism until I was q9 despite trying to get it since I was 12, it hurt knowing I had been paying my whole life for being different, feeling ashamed of who I am (and rightly so now really), wondering why what I said was offensive, why I didn't understandfulky why this was wrong, why I was so sensitive to jokes, why I took e everyhing literally, why I made impulsive and reckless decisions without understanding the consequences of them.
I was never considered attractive and was ridiculed for it (girls used to jokingly flirt with me to torment me at school). I'm 5'6, always have struggled with weight, hairline started receding at 16, eczema so my skin is always red, dry and flaky, really bad diastema and acid reflux which means it's really hard to make my breath smell nice and my teeth are very worn because of it. I have had sex with someone who was older than me and we were both consenting adults, and we were both very respectful of boundaries.
I was also desensitised to other things slide gore and violence, I played a lot of violent video games when I was a kid, my mother is really into controversial shock movies (she got me to watch Cannibal Holocaust with her when I was 11).
The worst part about all of this is the fact all my friends who I love would hate me if they knew about what I've done so, none of them would trust me anymore or respect me, which is what friendships are all about right? So in a way they feel strange, they feel fake.
I could never find a relationship or true love because nobody wants to date a serial sex offender.
I hate knowing the fact I'm a sex offender, it's eating me alive.
I'm not registered and there is no real proof of what I did, so I can't turn myself in or anything.
I want to do good in the world, I have so much love to give, but it feels wrong me helping people because it feels like there is a sinister undertone to everything I do.
I've always enjoyed being charitable, I love giving money to the homeless or putting change in a donations box.
I feel guilty whenever I feel hapoy since I don't deserve to be, the only things that I enjoy now are food and playing video games, it's the only job I get out of day to day life.
The only fate I deserve is being stabbed to death in prison or something.
All I want is to be loved and accepted despite my flaws and mistakes, but I never could be.
The only other person I've told is my mother, who has been supportive.
I've been on antidepressants since 18 and I'm trying to get therapy, but I'm not hoping or expecting anything good will happen from this. I've been in and out of therapy since I was 11.
I had dreams, I had aspirations, I wanted to change the world for the better, I wanted to have a son, not to hurt him, but so he doesn't end up like me, but I reliase that is not possible. I don't deserve to be around children.
I hate keeping secrets, but I have no choice but to keep this one.
I want to identify with good people, but I can't.
Every good thing I do is invalidated now.
I forgive everyone who has wronged me in anyway, since I'm worse than them.
I just pray I can go out doing good, doing the right thing.
I am no better than Jimmy Saville, Ian Watkins or any of them types of people.
If you want to motivate me to end it all, feel free.
If you have read through all of this, thank you.

I was a first time mom and I EBF my baby. She is a toddler now, just passed her 1 year birthday.
One of my husband’s colleague had a baby 2 months ago and husband went to see her. That baby is completely on formula by choice.
The difference between that baby and my early newborn days was so so drastic. That baby sleeps well, is chill with anyone and everyone, just pop a bottle in wherever they are and be done with it, mom is not tied down to anything and can easily be away from baby for more than an hour, she can drink and smoke as much as she likes. She is overall so chill and enjoying this so much.
Stark difference to my early days where I was tied down to a cluster feeding baby, I couldn’t leave her for more than 30 minutes, my nipples were bleeding for the first 4-6 weeks, I was engorged/leaky most of the time, no one else could calm the baby except me and my boobs. She could not and still cannot take a pacifier because I was told it causes nipple confusion and so I delayed in offering it. I had to listen to comments from MiL on how my milk quality is shit and that’s why baby is hungry all the time. I had to listen from my daughter’s daycare that she breastfeeds and that’s why she is too attached to me. I had to supplement baby with extra Vitamin D because breast milk doesn’t have enough for babies.
Now that I am on the other side, I honestly think bottle was the way to go. I think I would have enjoyed everything more if she was bottlefed. 😤

Good evening from the UK! My name is Blossom, I turned 21 on Tuesday (life feels long and tiring) and I was diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder at 20 years of age, last December. It is a more accurate diagnosis than when I was diagnosed with Schizophrenia at 18 years of age.
I don't really know what to say other than I don't like that my parents thought my disorder was because of my 6-year vegan diet, which caused them to peer pressure me into eating temporarily eating meat.
Continuing, I feel like a failure because I only barely passed my foundation year of University (the stress put me in hospital multiple times) and now that I have this diagnosis, I probably can't pursue my education further and or get a job, when it is expected of the population to have a degree/job. Though schizoaffective disorder is a disability, it's hard to view myself as disabled because I was functioning well at school until my first admission to hospital for psychosis shortly after my 18th birthday.
To be honest, I never complied with medication until my diagnosis of schizoaffective, as I believed the medication was poison and I had horrible side effects where it felt like I was dying. Despite taking medication, I attempted to take my life 5 weeks ago, due to feeling like a failure. I am casually suicidal and I think of dying everyday, however I feel like it is near impossible for me to have access to something that would successfully take my life in the UK.
I hope I can make deep connections with people on here who have been through similar because I am tired of being the only one with schizoaffective disorder; it feels like no one understands me. Thank you for taking the time to read this, have a great day/night!

This post has the title corrected, it is not an attempt at spam. Sorry for the inconvenience.
Yes, some of you may have seen my previous post asking for advice for a RoomHacks editor. I make this publication because, in truth, I believe that for a single person it is quite difficult to achieve this.do so much (and more for someone who is going to start. The program is very good, although I get confused with quite a few things and need time to learn)
What I'm great at is inventing and writing history, one that is emotional and compassionate, but at the same time has a good happy ending (obviously normal PMDs have those characteristic sad/happy endings, which are great). On the other hand, I can understand that many are distrustful, since perhaps they only work with people they trust. However, to give you an example, I can say that I have written some librettos for opera (one of them commissioned), works in verse, such as poems and some romantic songs.
I apologize if my request sounds very shameless, or even if I don't see the right to ask where I could find a partner. I beg you not to think badly, I would really like to embark on such an experience. If you want to know the synopsis (what I will do in Fanfic), I leave it below:
A long time ago, Arceus, father of all Pokémon and lord of the Universe, released a powerful energy never seen before: the Aurel. In that way, the celestial vault of the world could support the weight of the entire cosmos, granting life, peace and health to the inhabitants of the planet. One fine day, Xerneas and Darkrai (sons of Arceus), faced each other in a fierce battle whose reason remains in the deepest darkness... It is This caused a fatal imbalance in the vault, leaving it severely damaged. Everyone tried to stop them, but in the end there was a ceasefire. However, as time passed, Arceus realized of this, but instead of showing his rage and anger, he decided to carry out a plan to fix it...
The natural disasters were many, but over time they ceasedwithout knowing that they were facing the one chosen by Arceus, but Darkrai's Fury was reborn, ready to defeat the God of Life once and for all.... Thus we reach our days, in which a human turned into Charmander fell into that new world... A Pokémon family adopted him as their own son,without knowing that they were facing the one chosen by Arceus... To save the world and stop both from a devastating new fight, in exchange for something very special: staying in the Pokémon world.
Let's see what you think.

Posting here because I need help/advice. I 28f have been with my bf 27m for 5 years now. My bf has difficulty holding down jobs. He was always looking for something better which was fine. However last year he quit his job and took on drinking and taking edibles daily. It’s embarrassing to admit but I stayed thru it all. He used insta cart and doordash to make his monthly bills but it’s not enough. I’ll pitch I here and there to help with his car payment. I’ll break down in bullet points bc i don’t know how else to tell my story.
Holidays: For Christmas I bought his family gifts and had him say it was from both of us. I knew they were getting us gifts and I didn’t want to get something without giving them something?? None of my family knows how bad it is. I’m really close to them and I just brush things off. I lied and told them he finally found a job but he hasn’t. I didn’t get a Christmas gift. But I gave him money. He took me to a steak house for my birthday. Paid for it. Then asked I pay back for my meal bc he miscalculated and needed the money. He did buy me flowers for Valentine’s Day. I bought us an expensive dinner for his bday. I will admit I like a certain type of lifestyle even if I can’t afford it so I may overspend on things.
Addiction: Recently he lost his wallet which meant no Id which meant he couldn’t go to the dispensary or buy alcohol. He ended up finding his wallet but I offered to hold onto his id. It was going well but one day I left an expired id with him so he could buy a beer. I left and came back 24hrs later and he was drunk at 5pm. He gets overly emotional and depressed when he’s drunk and I don’t know what to do other than comfort him. Before I would say I was going to storm off or leave him and that would send him into a deeper spiral so now I nod and try to appease him.
Credit card debt: I’ve been swiping my card for food and drinks for both of us. He uses my car for DoorDash which means I pay for the gas. Before he quit his job (he had been unemployed for 3 months before his most recent job) he really wanted and oled tv and asked I put it on my card and he would pay me back. He made payments for the three months that he was employed then stopped. He ended up selling the tv it was $1,100 he kept the money to pay his bills and buy weed. I finished paying off the card myself. I’m in such a hole borrowing money in hopes I can cover my ass until the next paycheck. I got a part time job im starting soon which should help me a lot. I make a decent wage.
Financially irresponsible: we went on a trip to the casino (he was still employed at this time) I booked the hotel on my credit card. He ended up winning $5,000!!! The first night there. Want to guess what he did next??? He took copious amounts of edibles and blew $3,000 of it on more gambling. He won another $1,000 and also blew that. With the remainder he bought a pc AND I had to beg him to pay me for his half of the hotel room. He did pay for dinners and lunch while we stayed there.
Promises: he says he’ll pay me back. I’ve helped him make his car payments. I help him with food. He says things are going to change. He paints this really pretty picture that I so badly want to be true. But it’s MAY 2024. He quit his job June 2023. He promised me Christmas he promised me my birthday gifts. All which fell flat. And now I just feel like a fool. He says once he starts working he’ll pay me back.
I’ve been helping him apply to place none call him back. He also can’t pass a drug test currently.
Relationship: aside from the money I think we’re okay? We trust each other we love each other. When we’re together we’re always laughing and having a good time. We get along. On weekends we take turns on who gets to pick the movie. He’ll watch twilight and mean girls with me.
The only thing is when he is in withdrawal or hungover he becomes easily agitated and needs space to calm down. The worst he’s done is raise his voice and so do I. Normally he just needs to walk it off or blow off the steam and things get better. He’ll hyper fixate on something I did and call me out on it. I’ll apologize but he won’t let off of it when he gets like that there is nothing I can say to change things. In my mind if I did something wrong I get it I’m sorry but there’s nothing I can do to change it? But if he lies or does something he brushes it off and gets upset with me for being upset at his lying?! He’s a terrible texter and never answers his phone. If I needed immediate help I’d be out of luck. But I always have to be there for him. Let’s say he’s having a bad day he needs me there and wants me there. I have to drop everything and if I don’t he feels bad and guilt trips me.
In the end what I would like to see is him get clean and sober find a good job so we can buy a house have a family. Right now he is on an upswing where he makes his promises that things will get better and things will change. If things crash again and he fails to find a job I will have no choice but to leave even if I don’t want to. Go ahead and roast me bc I know I should know better but I can’t bring myself to leave him.

For context my mom was a single mother of 3 kids. She would have relationships but they never worked out. That being said we all knew all too well what it was like growing up in a broken home. She was always working and barely home and left us to our own devices. (Back before technology) with rules like don’t open the door for anyone and don’t answer the phone, come straight home after school and so on. But more often than not I was the only one that would go straight home.
We often couldn’t afford things but always had food. We always had to meet and deal with the new bf and that would last months to years at best. Sometimes moving in with them just to do a midnight/midday move while they weren’t there. Needless to say but our childhood was very unstable and stressful and lacking in many aspects.
Now to get into it Me and my sister Bebe never really got along. I am younger and we didn’t have common interests. We naturally did our own things and avoided each other when we could. We look a lot alike so people often mistaken us for the other. But personally wise we are nothing alike. We were always compared to the other and it often felt like we were competing with each other. So we were always fighting.
Eventually we both settled down, got our own houses and partners and had kids. We got back in touch when we had kids. We met each other’s families and everything seemed fine. We would trade off babysitting for each other and do different family activities together birthday parties, thanksgiving, Christmas and so on.
Years have passed and the kids are older now. The kids still enjoy seeing each other and playing. Everyone gets along… well almost everyone. My sister always knew how to get under my skin and would say things either “jokingly” or when no one was around say something to hurt me. I knew what she was doing but I would blow it off and act like it didn’t bother me. As time went on it got worse. And a few time someone would say something and she’d just say “it’s a joke.” Or “you know I didn’t mean anything by it”. Or “your too sensitive.” something similar.
I knew it wasn’t right and I knew if I had said those types of things to her she would have been pissed. Of course I would tell my parents everything that happened after a visit and of course he wasn’t happy. We both decided to go low contact for my mental health as it was taking a toll on me. We didn’t see them for about a year.
When it came to my relationship with my sister I was left wondering where I went wrong… why was my sister hated me so much that she felt she had to berated, belittle, compare, and be competitive towards me every time we saw them. I just couldn’t understand, I thought our childhood rivalry was over years ago. I thought maybe I was doing something unconsciously that upset her.
As it turns out maybe my mere existence upsets her and it’s not a reflection of me but of just how different we are. So one day I get a call from my sister’s husband Joey and they are separating. She’s bin on the Ashely Madison website and cheating for years and has a current bf. They both decided to divorce. He got the house and payed her out. They are doing 50/50 custody.
I came to find out that she has always had a problem with me and never wanted me there and I guess how she treated me was her way of letting me know that. Joey told me they would constantly fight about me and or how she treated me. And that we are family and the kids and so on. At some point she called me and told me about the situation and her new place and we should come have dinner sometime and see her new place. Then it became and meet my new bf and his family.
My husband had me text her to cancel the dinner as soon as it became a meet the bf, his family thing. I told her honestly that we weren’t ready to meet him and maybe in time. And honestly the reason we hadn’t seen them the last year was because of how she treated me.
She instantly snapped why would we need to wait to meet her bf? Why would that make a difference? If her leaving someone she wasn’t meant to be with meant we wouldn’t be in her life then so be it… I was shocked. I didn’t even know how to reply. We only just found out about the cheating and her moving out and already she wants us to meet him and isn’t understanding how that could be very uncomfortable.
For context we are Catholics. But our mother wasn’t a good example and we never went to church, my husband on the other hand is catholic as well. He was raised in a household that went to church every Sunday and holds the same beliefs as me that marriage isn’t something you just throw away. And cheating is disgusting…. He didn’t want to go and risk losing his shit on them let alone in front of his family. We don’t even know if his family knows the truth behind their relationship. We don’t want to meet him. And we were both upset that we know how hard it will most likely be on the kids.
Ending we are still in contact with Joey and the kids. We started doing family activities together again and we have offered Joey help with the kids or anything else… he is a great guys, great dad and honestly has handled the whole situation way better than anyone I know would have.

"hello, new visitor, if you're seeing this you're in the land of the vanished, if you're here it means that no one has thought about you for several months, fear not I wrote a book about my journey, in hopes that it'll help newcomers like you".
It was a tuesday, 6am, my brother Joe, jumped on a plane to Canada.
He was successful, or so I thought.
At the time I expected him to return home in 2-3 months, however this wasn't the case, after 4 months I finally called the cops to report a missing person.
Eventually five months passed and I decided to go searching for him.
After another month I got on a plane to Canada.
"What if he was kidnapped and then brutally mutilated," I thought as my heart raced.
Joe gave me the hotel he was at before he left, this gave me a few clues but it wasn't much, when I arrived I asked the manager if he saw Joe leave the hotel or if he knew about Joe's whereabouts.
"I never saw Joe leave, his room is still empty so you can check it out," the manager said. "What room" I responded. "Room 303, I'll escort you there" the manager said.
The bright lights reflected the hall floors. "Why would this man be following me into Joe's room, what if he killed Joe, what if I'm next" I thought as I began imagining my corpse in a dumpster next to a Denny's somewhere.
After a few minutes of going upstairs I remembered my 5th birthday, that day I learned that all my friends were fake, not a single one came to my birthday, neither did my parents, In fact they didn't even set up the party, Joe set up the entire party, helped me set up invitations for my friends, and was the only person who even bothered to be there.
"Can't believe I forgot about Joe for those five months," I thought as we finally arrived at room 303.
"Ladies first," the manager said.
I became paranoid as I entered the room with the manager behind me.
*Slam.
The door was slammed closed as I investigated the room, not thinking much about it I continued investigating, first I checked the bedroom, I found Joe's phone randomly on the floor.
Then I heard the sound of someone locking. The manager lunged at me with a knife. Adrenaline rushed through my blood stream as I dodged the knife, dashed into the kitchen, and grabbed a knife. The manager suddenly became scared, or at least he looked scared since I also had a knife.
I was able to unlock the door while simultaneously watching him for any sudden movements, my back leaned on the door as I unlocked the door without looking, I'm very lucky the lock didn't require a key from the inside.
I swiftly opened the door and ran downstairs, the manager followed, my legs began shaking uncontrollably. The adrenaline had officially ran out, the manager continued the chase.
"There's cameras up here!!," this one sentence alone made the manager stop what he was doing, go on the floor and start crying knowing he would be exposed for his attempt at killing.
I became very confused, "why was he crying" I wondered. I then realized this was my chance to escape, I escaped that horrid hotel.
"Turn on you stupid thing!!" I yelled at the phone as it refused to turn on due to its lack of battery. I decided to find a hotel where I could charge my phone and rest for a bit.
I couldn't go to this one since the manager almost killed me, luckily for me a hotel wasn't too far away from the other one, a common trend done by many hotel companies.
I rented a room for $70 a day, I had $100 left.
"Did the manager kill Joe, he might've been trying to kill me in order to ensure no one finds his remains," this thought alone had me up the entire night.
I continued my investigation believing there's still a chance that he's alive, I checked Joe's phone in hopes of finding his whereabouts.
I found a few messages on his phone, except a cut off message on bumble. He was messaging a woman named Katelyn. "Maybe he was living with that woman's home" I thought.
After reading enough of the messages I was able to find the woman's address.
On my way there I felt a bit light headed, I clasped onto the ground, all thoughts vanished as I began to fade away.
I woke up with my shirt soaked in water, same with my pants. My feet felt the wet carpet touch my feet as the coldness sunk in.
I was surrounded by darkness, I ventured this darkness in fear, what if I wasn't alone, what if I just feared the dark.
I would soon realize that both of these were true.
My eyes saw a light illuminating in the distance, I dashed towards the light, feeling warmth for the first time being in this place, it felt amazing until I encountered another human being.
"Judging from your number, you must be a newcomer," the man said.
"Follow me" the man added. He refused to elaborate further, I didn't know anything about this place so I reluctantly followed him.
The man gave off a very creepy vibe, he wore a black coat with a yellow stripe on his left sleeve, his sleeve had a hole revealing his or a number, 64 was his number.
"What's your name," I said attempting to strike some conversation, instead of keeping the strange atmosphere. He continued walking without a sound to be heard from him.
A flashback struck me reminding me of the very possible chance that this nameless man could try and kill me.
"It's not like you have a choice" my brain told me as I continued to follow him.
A sudden bright light from the sky hit me. I noticed a village in the direction we were headed.

Edit: If you are going to comment on the length of this post, please don't. This is not a simple snark but rather an actual critical think piece about feminism and Taylor Swift.

Introduction

Pertaining to Taylor Swift, "Female Rage" has deviated from its intended meaning after Swift debuted a new performance of The Tortured Poets Department during the Eras Tour. Now, according to Swift's use of the phrase, female rage is interpreted as public backlash against Swift's dating choices rather than as a response to the broader injustices against women and women's rights. This post examines Taylor Swift's flawed feminism, philanthropy, branding, and the controversial trademark petition for the phrase "Female Rage: The Musical". Swift's background as an entertainer, indeterminate politics, and alignment with capitalism over feminism pervades her legacy, again threatening her public tolerance as not just an individual but as a brand.

Once Upon a Female Rage...

If you were cognizant in the early 2010's, you've heard countless jabs at Taylor Swift in the media. Magazines, radio, or online. Music critics did not take her seriously as a songwriter; parents put a woman on an unrealistic pedestal as the ideal role model for their children; she dated too much and used men as lyrical fodder. No matter the story, it inevitably spread, conjoined with everyone's respective opinions, and you'd be left to wonder, "Why does everyone hate this girl so much?"
Taylor's target demographic has always been young or adolescent girls, more so when Swift herself was one. She made music that spoke to the awkward misfit, cultivating a para-social relationship with fans on MySpace, then later twitter, Instagram, and YouTube, where Taylor posted relatable vlogs showcasing the life of a homegrown American girl. Taylor had a delayed public "growing up" and, compared to her female pop contemporaries, Swift never "gratuitously sexualized her image and seems pathologically averse to controversy" (and, apparently, never even had a sip of alcohol until she turned 21). She was more than happy to spin this narrative to allude to an inherent moral superiority above other women in the industry (Better Than Revenge, heard of it?), engaging in the very slut-shaming that she herself endured (the Madonna and Whore archetypes). The victim complex arose with the need to prove Taylor as a different type of pop girl. Based upon her holy and clean image, Swift had been dubbed "a feminist's nightmare", and that "[To Swift] other girls are obstacles; undeserving enemies who steal Taylor’s soulmates with their bewitching good looks and sexual availability." Feminism and Tennessee-Christian country values don't exactly mix, it seems.
Years later, Swift befriended Lena Dunham and thus experienced white feminism osmosis, where Dunham taught Swift that real feminists defend rapists, makes insensitive jokes about rape and abortion, and prioritize all-white casts. Swift then declared herself a feminist in 2014, saying,

"Becoming friends with Lena – without her preaching to me, but just seeing why she believes what she believes, why she says what she says, why she stands for what she stands for – has made me realize that I’ve been taking a feminist stance without actually saying so."

I suppose the male-centric songwriting subject that permeates Swift's discography contained covert feminism and that we just didn't see that. Perhaps, the "Bad Blood" song and music video were written only in jest and not about poor Katy Perry, for Swift, as a feminist, would "never make it a girl fight" or tear other women down (though all Katy did was date your terrible ex-boyfriend and allegedly steal three backup dancers from your tour). In 2013, Swift said, in response to Tina Fey and Amy Poehler's joke towards her serial dating, "There is a special place in hell for women who don't help other women."
There was that time in 2015 Taylor said that Nicki Minaj was "invited to any stage [she is] on" (as if Taylor expects to have access to every stage, award, and platform that Nicki might not otherwise have as a black female artist...yikes!) in response to Nicki's criticism of the white + thin VMA nominations. Later, Nicki responded with confusion, as Swift continued, "It’s unlike you to pit women against each other. Maybe one of the men took your slot..". Of course, this 'beef' was 'squashed' when Nicki performed with Taylor at the VMAs, with Nicki quite literally only having 38 seconds of stage time without Taylor. Maybe all that parading around with a legion of famous white women - similar to the way Taylor might've done with her numerous 1989-era handbags - was in fact a stance against gender inequality, and that this display of "girl power" should be enough to constitute Swift as a feminist icon.
Even while Swift says that Dunham informed her feminist outlook, she dances around the exact contents of those beliefs: "what she believes, what she says, what she stands for" is not exactly insightful towards what beliefs Swift might have inherited. Taylor never broaches women's rights topics such femicide, FGM, forced pregnancy & marriage, sex trafficking, women in slavery, women's financial and political oppression, women's educational rights, women's health, or women's autonomy, so we can assume she only gives a fuck about "girls supporting girls" (whatever that fucking means).
Despite some questionable (and sometimes vindictive) behavior, Taylor as a young woman did not deserve every media lashing that she received. We cannot deny that most headlines and criticisms perpetuated a misogynistic rhetoric which has plagued Swift for a majority of her career. Acknowledging events such as the development of her ED, her sexual assault trial, "Famous" lyric and MV depiction of Taylor, and the explicit Twitter deepfakes, for example, as both disgusting and unfortunate things that happened to a young woman in Hollywood does not negate the fact that Taylor is mostly a performative feminist.

Get Your Fucking Ass Up and Be a Philanthropist, It Seems Like Nobody Wants to Be a Philanthropist These Days

In 2013, Taylor Swift cut the ribbon at the grand opening of the Taylor Swift Education Center at the Country Music Hall of Fame in Nashville, Tennessee. The donation amount - $4 million - was the largest individual artist gift ever donated to the Country Music Hall of Fame, which is, of course, mentioned on Swift's website. The two-story facility features three classrooms, an instrument room, and an interactive children's exhibit gallery. Swift also performed at "All for the Hall" charity shows and has donated numerous artifacts from her career (such as notable guitars, tour costumes, etc) to the museum.
This was over 11 years ago, and it is still the only notable philanthropic contribution Taylor Swift has made.
For a woman of her net worth and stature, and a woman who recognizes the difficulties for women in film and music, you would think that Taylor Swift might establish a scholarship program for women to study the arts or something. Perhaps Swift might even consider becoming a member of organizations that support female artists, or one that supports LGBTQ+ causes (since she is now proudly an ally), yet she remains superficial with her graces. Broader philanthropy, such as donating relief aid to Palestinian women or women impacted by violence and discrimination will probably never receive any financial support from Miss Swift because then she'd be using her money towards philanthropies involving anyone but white entertainers.
She even says herself in Miss Americana, "My entire moral code as a kid and now is a need to be thought of as 'good'." Well, she's certainly thought of as good, though her actions say otherwise. She's more than happy to do a vaguely altruistic song and dance for a clip-worthy interview quote and mass appeasement, then fuck off to one of her mansions on a 20 minute private jet flight, rather than actually contribute to anything pertaining to the causes she has endorsed. Yet, far too many people continue to give a woman such as her their money, time, and energy, and she hoards these resources to herself.

I Like Some of the Taylor's Songs, But What the Fuck Does She Know About Feminism?

Swift continued with her self-proclaimed feminist campaign, positioning herself as a political activist and LGBTQ+ ally in the Miss Americana documentary. The primary focus of the documentary consists of the sexual assault trial, Andrea Swift's cancer diagnosis, Taylor's ED and body dysmorphia, media scrutiny, and, largely, finally speaking up about her politics publicly, mostly her opposition to the 2018 Tennessee Republican senate candidate, Marsha Blackburn, and Blackburn's beliefs. Swift says, following a scene discussing her experience during the trial,

"I just couldn't really stop thinking about it. And I just thought to myself, next time there is any opportunity to change anything, you had better know what you stand for and what you want to say."

We must ask ourselves, though: when has Swift ever spoken up to change anything? Okay, pulling her entire catalogue from Spotify because they didn't pay their artists enough and similarly pulling her catalogue from Apple Music are changes that she leveraged due to her revenue potential and power, but they are not pertinent to the average woman's rights. Moreover, these are issues that directly impacted Taylor's income, which was enough reason for her to protest in the first place. Swift has sold the most units for a female artist in first week sales, is the first female artist with 100k monthly Spotify listeners, is the first female artist to win the Album of the Year Grammy 4 times, and is the first female artist to do X, Y, and Z, all while being inoffensive and family-friendly to boot. The actual Taylor Swift seems unwilling to compromise the brand of Taylor Swift by contributing in meaningful ways to feminist causes, especially if it is for women outside of America and Hollywood.
The reason political anthems such as "The Man" and "Only the Young" of the Lover era feel disingenuous and corporate is because, well, it is. Taylor has taken every opportunity to advance her career or public image at the expense of other women. What is truly genuine to Taylor's outlook on other women is vying for male attention, taking down female competition, and vocalizing feminist injustices only if they directly impact her and her money. Some will argue that it's satisfactory for a woman with such a huge platform to even TALK about feminism, but that just isn't enough. It's even less impressive when you candidly look at the scope of her feminist lens: "If I was the man, then I'd be THE MAN", or "I really resent the ‘Be careful, buddy, she’s going to write a song about you’ angle, because it trivialises what I do", and, of course, "We all got crowns". Feminism, but only when it happens to me. It gets worse when you look at Taylor's track record of copying other famous women and removing other female artists as potential threats to her pop prowess.
It's good for PR to align yourself with certain blanket feminist and political beliefs, therefore good for branding, therefore good for ticketing and merchandise sales, therefore good for business. And Taylor Swift is a business.
She's not a feminist. Taylor Swift is a capitalist.

I Can't Pay Those Sweatshop Workers a Livable Wage or Benefits! How Else Would I Make My Billions?

Recently, Taylor's team filed to trademark the phrase "Female Rage: The Musical" after Taylor said during Paris N1 of the Eras Tour,

"So you were the first ones to see The Tortured Poets at the Eras Tour...or as I like to call it, 'Female Rage: The Musical'."

This trademark petition was filed last week on Saturday, and news comes about just as numerous unofficial fan-made merch designs have cropped up with this phrase plastered on Fruit of the Loom basics. I'm of the opinion Swift's team motioned for a trademark so that they can send out cease & desists to all those that make knockoff merch, which disrupts potential sales for Bravado, UMG's choice merchandising company; however, since it was filed earlier, perhaps Swift has bigger plans with the bizarre use of the gendered phrase. One Swiftie referred to the phrase "female rage" as "a funny Eras Tour joke". Could it be a possible fourth version of the Eras Tour Movie? Whatever the reason, the motion to capitalize off of such a concept is disgusting, but not unsurprising, for a woman that profits on her vain feminism.
Swift, through her company, TAS Rights Managements, has also trademarked over 200 phrases, including "1989", where she owns the property rights to this calendar year on keychains, phone cases, sunglasses, stationary, bags, beverage ware, clothing, entertainment services, your subconscious, and, of course, Christmas ornaments.
The vapid consumerism in Swiftie culture is, frankly, disgusting. Bravado's sustainability statement is non-existent, the quality control is abysmal, and the materials they use are horrible. The materials, such as acrylic and polyester, are made from petrochemicals. This means they are non-renewable, shed microplastics, and are quite toxic in production. The manufacturing process to make all of those lazy-rushed Eras Tour logo graphic tees is a huge blow to environmental well-being. Apparently, though, Swifties don't give a fuck. They sell out products in seconds and either have to face the manufactured scarcity or buy from a scalper that resells for 200% of the already ridiculous retail price. This doesn't include the environmental impact of vinyl records, CD, and cassette production, of which Taylor produces many variants that sell unsustainable amounts.
If we're talking about women's rights violations, why is no one acknowledging the women that work in the inhumane sweatshop conditions that have to pump out fugly t-shirts and hats? The millions of plastic microfiber dander they are inhaling, or the toxic dyes that touch their bare skin? Are they being compensated fairly for their skilled labour and are they in safe working environments? Do these women have minimal bargaining power, and do they have authority over their worker's rights? Is Taylor Swift female raging at their injustices? Does Taylor Swift ever feels bad that her wealth was built on the backs of women of color, disadvantaged by the demands of the global economy and garment industry? Do you think she ever says a little white feminist prayer for them before she goes to sleep at night?
What's even crazier is not that Taylor herself doesn't care, it's that Swifties don't care. There CANNOT BE ethical billionaires. You only make a billion dollars if you are exploiting other human beings for capital gain. Based on public perception of the possible "Female Rage: The Musical" trademark, it seems like Swifties are already asking for merch with this phrase. "If Taylor made it, I'd buy it." Oh, cool. So not only do you champion Miss Swift's avarice and billionaire status, but you also are unashamed to admit to your blind consumption of her music and merchandise, no matter where they might originate in production or sincerity. Just as Swift takes and takes and takes, Swifties' consumerism of Taylor Swift cannot be quelled.
The tortured artist's most vulnerable and sincere poetry...available now in 21 different versions!

I Am Tortured Poet, Hear Me Whinge

Look - even if Taylor's intention is to characterize TTPD as more "tortured" and "angry", the main thread of the album is "I was ghosted by my decade-long situationship with a controversial indie boy and my fucking stupid fans wrote a 'Speak Up Now' open letter prompting me to drop him" anger, which is adequately expressed in the lyrics and performances. The extent of Taylor's "female rage" on TTPD is on tracks such as "Who's Afraid of Little Old Me?", which contends with relentless media scrutiny; "But Daddy I Love Him", where Swift firmly states she'll date whoever she likes no matter how "Sarahs and Hannahs" may react; and "The Albatross", a track mythologizing her reputation and the consequences of dating her. Of course, these coincide with deep psychological wounds that formed during Swift's early years in the media, and so, from her feminist perspective, these subjects tackle the misogyny and double standards that she faced.
Yet Taylor Swift still has no grounds to be claiming that TTPD best exemplifies female rage and therefore she, in the context of this album, is female rage incarnate. As the daughter of a stock broker and mutual fund marketing executive, Taylor was born into wealth and allowed privileges like trips and subsequent relocation to Nashville all so that she might get a record deal. Her father even invested at least $120,000 into the then-fledgling label, Big Machine Records, which ensured Taylor's place with Borchetta after leaving her dead-end development deal with Sony. The fact that her parents were able to buy her a fucking brand new guitar for Christmas and pay for music lessons says so much about the financial security and safety of her childhood.
Money is privilege and protection, and despite Swift's experiences with misogyny and loser boyfriends, she does not know what female rage is.
Her rage is derived from her frustrations with her obsessive fans pulling the moral superiority card on Taylor in response to her rebound with Matty Healy. That's literally it. She's just pissed that the monster she created is no longer obediant, it's become a feral, sovereign entity that depletes the world of its natural resources and thinks it is more intelligent than it actually is because it's mommy has started to talk to it with big words. Apparently, 'illicit', 'elegy', 'nonchalant', and 'precocious' are considerably big words for the oafish monster, and I find it strange that this level of literacy is present in a group of fans that allegedly have GPAs of 3.5 or higher, but I digress.
Taylor Swift has never been one paycheck away from destitution. Taylor Swift has never experienced racial discrimination. She may have instances of gender discrimination, but she possesses the ideal white, blonde American beauty standard and therefore reaps the benefits of being a conventionally attractive woman. Taylor Swift has sufficient social capital. Taylor Swift is a billionaire woman prolonging her victimhood though she, as a woman, has mostly had control over her image and music (unlike her contemporaries). Taylor Swift is NOT entitled to be championed for her "female rage", nor should she be. Taylor Swift has never even been the struggling artist, for fuck's sake. I don't give a fuck if she's trying to fill the empty lunch tables of her past. Taylor Swift purporting herself, her unpolished album, and her lukewarm feminism as a musical bleeding with female rage is asinine.

Sigh Try and Come For My Job, Poors

Out there in the world right now is a 23-year-old woman, a recent college grad, who works as a barista. She has to wake up and get ready to go into a minimum wage job because she cannot get a job in her field. She doesn't have healthcare benefits or sick time, so she has to go into work no matter how she's feeling. All day long she is berated by vicious customers and creepy men, and, exhausted from being on her feet, she knows she has to go home to her shitty roommate that never does the dishes and her roommate's shitty dog. To comfort herself, she considers getting a treat, but thinks against it when she remembers that matcha lattes cost $15 and they taste like milky dirt. She knows that she needs to buy groceries this week, and so the woman resolves to go home, but notices that her gas tank is low. She goes to put gas in the car, but the pump stops at $27.86 because that's all that she has in her checking account. The woman, bereft and reeling, sinks into the driver's seat. "Well," she thinks, her head in her hands, "at least I don't have Taylor Swift's job. I just couldn't imagine."
Fame is somewhat of a choice. If at any moment Taylor feels that she is misunderstood, misconstrued, or overwhelmed by public opinion, she can LEAVE the public eye - Lord knows she has the retirement fund and residuals to do so. In "I Can Do It With a Broken Heart", the TTPD song about meeting the demands of your career-zenith mega-tour while in the relationship trenches, Taylor ends the song by rambling,

"You know you're good when you can even do it with a broken heart...you know you're good...and I'm good, cause I'm miserable, and no one even knows!...try and come for my job."

Yeah, obviously we wouldn't know, you recently passed the billionaire threshold and are the most famous and in-demand performer in the world right now. Taylor Swift makes an estimated $10 to $13 million dollars A NIGHT on the Eras Tour. Furthermore, the Eras Tour movie grossed $261.6 million globally, (which, as the producer, Taylor takes home 57% of the ticket sales) not counting the streaming revenue from Amazon Prime Video and the estimated $75 million deal that Disney paid to have it on Disney+. We're not even considering the income from cheap plastic popcorn buckets and drink cups plastered with colored squares in her Era-specific likeness.
It's funny. Taylor Swift often said that being famous wasn't hard, that she "isn't complaining". I'm sure it is difficult to always have to present in a good mood, else you'll end up misrepresented in the media, and I'm sure it's invasive to virtually have no privacy or semblance of anonymity. Still, Taylor Swift shows up each night of tour and performs. For a majority of her career, she has penned her sad songs while on the road. Most of "Red", her breakup album, was written in the thick of the Speak Now World tour. Now, some Swifties say they almost "feel bad" for attending the Eras Tour with Swift's revelations in this song, that they have had a 'dimmed experience' upon hearing Taylor's misery whilst performing. Despite the fact that Taylor said that "this was the happiest she's ever been" at Gilette Stadium in May, the lyrics "boohoo, woe is me, smile for the cameras and make the fans happy!!!" are jarring for Eras attendees.
While Taylor Swift was making double-digit millions a night in Rio de Janeiro, Brazil and feeling miserable, Ana Clara Benevides Machado passed away due to heat exposure. The concert promoters, Time For Fun, are now the subject of a criminal investigation due to their lack of adequate hydration and safety. Taylor Swift cancelled the Sunday show that was to follow and offered VIP tent tickets to Benevides Marchado's family, which was a kind gesture, but perhaps incongruous to the incident of which they were offered as consolation. Everyone grieves differently, of course, but I'm not sure attending the very show at the very same venue that my daughter or sister passed away in two days prior, where the singer CONTINUED the show despite her death, would be healthy for closure.
There was no female rage at the show as Swift never saw Benevides Machado pass out. There was no female rage towards the disregard for fans as humans while Swift elected to proceed with her Brazil tour dates despite the country being in historic heatwaves (at risk of overheatting herself). If Taylor Swift was so shaken by touring with a broken heart or a fan's passing, she wouldn't have added an additional North American leg of Eras just two months after the Matty breakup. She's brokenhearted but willing to mend the cracks with your money and move onward with her worldwide female rage induced pillaging.
No matter what happens, even if you die at a Taylor Swift concert, Taylor collects a big fat check and flies away. She doesn't know you as anything other than a conversion rate or earning potential despite what her nearly 20-year long parasocial relationship with fans might otherwise indicate. She knows that, while some Swifties are without disposable income, they feel obligated to spend on a "48 Hours Only!" exclusive vinyl variant instead of necessities because they are so entrenched in Taylor Swift's intoxicating celebrity, they'll prioritize materialistic fandom before their needs. This is good enough for her because this means she can expand her real estate portfolio and finance her cat's lavish lifestyles. They're worth an estimated $100 million dollars. Her three cats could pool their net worth and solve world hunger.
While you and I might be denied bereavement leave and barely surviving the current political and economic climate, Taylor Swift has to, instead of gets to, perform for stadiums at full attendance for three nights in a row across the globe. You and I might be replaced by AI at our longtime jobs, but Taylor Swift is threatened with losing more and more money each time you listen to a "Stolen Version" of her songs. If we don't buy every variant of all of her albums, then who is going to pay for the fucking cats?
It is tone deaf to spend as she spends and lives as she lives in this economy, but this is her reality. She was able to donate $100,000 to all of her tour truck drivers, and that's wonderful, but it leads me to wonder about the ethos of the 2020s where one woman can hoard such life-changing amounts of money. Remember in 2014 when she gave a fan $90 ($120 in today's money) to get Chipotle because she had no fucking clue how much it cost? This is a 34-year-old woman who is increasingly out of touch with the reality for working class people and women in general. Normal everyday adults must wake up and go to their thankless jobs, and yet Taylor Swift, despite all her riches, incessantly references the lows of her life and career as a public figure and entertainer to farm sympathy and drive sales. And still, the corporate women have latched onto "I cry a lot, but I am so productive! It's an art!" as their cubicle battle cry.
Do you think that, from up in her private jet, Taylor Swift gazes at the world through her poetic, tortured eyes, and thinks, "All the little people, in their cars, walking, going about their lives...all those girls that don't support girls...do they know that I've made an album about female rage?"

Conclusion/TLDR

Thank you for reading. I would love to hear your critical insights towards this entire ordeal: TTPD, the trademark, the implications of it all.
TLDR: Taylor Swift is a bad feminist and is delusional to think that the TTPD eras set exemplifies female rage at women's injustice.

Background: GF was with her ex for 5 years. He was a drunk and would manipulate, gaslight, and emotionally/mentally abuse her regularly. He lived in her house and was basically a bum, didn’t have a steady job, took her money and spent it on booze and other fun things for himself, didn’t do housework, contributed nothing basically. They parted ways romantically last May, though he continued living in the house until December 2023 when she finally kicked him out for good. We went out for the first time before the end of January and have been almost inseparable ever since. I’m a manager in a job I’ve had for years making 6 figures and I regularly help with things around the house, do not need to be asked to do things like clean up after myself/make dinnedo dishes/vacuum/etc. because I lived on my own for 15 years and know how a house works.
The issue: she is (rightfully) adamant about not being abused again, she has read many books that have been recommended on here and other subs (“The Gift of Fear”, “Why does he do that?”, etc. which I have zero issue with her reading) and is now on hyper-alert to identify manipulation tactics. The problem is that she sees a lot of the normal, innocuous, non-abusive behaviour that I exhibit as a non-perfect adult male as attempted manipulation.
Example: we were at child’s birthday party in a hall last week and shortly after we got there I was talking to the host and he mentioned to me that nothing in the hall was set up when they got there, so they had to set everything up as he gestured over to the tables/chairs/toys/play structures/etc. on the other side of the room. I spoke with her shortly afterwards and she said how good the room looked and I mentioned that the host told me they had to set everything in the room up because nothing was set up before they got there so they did the whole decorating themselves. Then at the end of the party, GF asked host if there was anything she could do to help clean up like pack the chairs or tables up and he said no the tables and chairs stay where they are and don’t need to come down, the place put them up and will take them down.
GF has been particularly avoidant/unengaged/distanced over the past week and we had a talk last night and I asked her what the deal was. She mentioned that a lot of the small, stupid things that have happened are all adding up and starting to bother her. I asked her for examples and one of the ones she gave me was the party example above; that I told her the host set everything up but that wasn’t actually true because he told her afterwards that the hall set the tables and chairs up. That, to her, is an example of attempted manipulation/gaslighting. She says when I tell her things that are lies (and that’s how she classifies them when I say something and end up being misinformed/wrong/incorrect, as lies) and she finds out they are lies then she can’t help but think that it’s the first step in me testing the waters out to become a full-fledged manipulator just like the last guy.
There have been a handful, less than 10, of examples similar to the above that she has given me since we’ve been dating to explain why she avoids me and withholds affection and gives me the silent treatment. She doesn’t bring them up on her own, I have to notice how poorly/rudely she’s treating me then after a few days of letting it go and hoping that she notices her behaviour was wrong and initiates the change/discussion herself, if that doesn’t happen then I ask her what the deal is and she tells me. I have asked her multiple times in the past to tell me those types of things right off the bat so I can provide her with my reasoning (in the case of the above example, my “reasoning” was that the host and I and GF had different definitions of “setting everything up”, apparently) in the hopes that giving her the background or explanation on why I was incorrect/misguided/etc. can ease her concerns. She said bringing it up right off the bat wouldn’t matter because I’m still trying to explain my lies. To her there is no difference between being genuinely wrong about something and purposefully lying. I am always apologetic but it doesn’t usually mean much. And that only applies to me being wrong, when she says something that’s wrong or is incorrect and I say something or show her something to prove her wrong, she usually says “I understand what you’re saying” without admitting she was wrong or apologizing. She very, very rarely apologizes for anything, even when she is categorically wrong.
This is the first relationship I’ve been in with an abuse survivor. I was raised by a single mother with my two sisters after my mom fled our abusive, drunk father. I am not and will never, ever be an abuser. I want to talk our problems out and work on them to resolve them but she is very quick to anger when we're discussing things and I don't simply give in to what she is asserting ocompletely r stating. I am trying not to take it personally and be patient with her but I don’t know how to navigate something like this where I can’t be wrong about something without it turning into an assumed abuse attempt in her mind that she silently keeps track of and “punishes” me by withholding affection or giving me the silent treatment.
In a normal relationship I would likely have been gone by now but we had such an intense and fantastic connection at the beginning that I’m willing to push through because I think we can get back there but I feel like I’m trying to make things better and she’s trying to identify faults to focus on and I don’t really know how to bridge those two things.
The rest of the relationship isn’t absolutely perfect by any means, and I don’t expect it to be, but I do expect to be able to be human and be wrong about stuff that, ultimately, means absolutely nothing in the grand scheme of things. Is that misguided on my part? Is this something I will need to navigate and deal with indefinitely? Or will she gain trust as time passes and see that I’m extremely different from the last guy?
TL;DR: GF sees being incorrect about something as intentionally lying due to her past. Trying to figure out where to go from here.

First heartbreak at 26 y/o how to deal with it
After spending a few days working on this, there has been some progress. So, to summarize: I've been dating this girl for 9 months. About a month ago, I confessed my love for her, but she didn't say it back, instead expressing affection in other ways. A couple of weeks later, she sort of ghosted me for a weekend, apologized, and we had a conversation. During that conversation, I went to her place seeking comfort because one of my friends had passed away. That's when she mentioned she wasn't sure about continuing the relationship because our feelings weren't on the same level. We agreed to give it another month, and that week was amazing. However, now she's ghosting me again, but for a longer period. We talked on Monday, but this time, I've been feeling limited in what I can say. I haven't reached out since, and it's been radio silence. She mentioned that her grandmother in the UK is getting worse and she's been reconsidering our relationship. She's been dismissive lately. I've been working every day for the past two months and doing therapy for a few weeks. I've lost 40 pounds due to a lack of appetite, but I'm coping. Physically, I'm getting stronger, but mentally, it's tough. I'm tempted to send a voice note just to check in and let her know I'm here. I've done a lot for her, like making her birthdays, Valentine's Day, and Christmas special, and she was good to me at some point. I feel like I'm spiraling.
On the bright side, I've been doing well for myself. I recently styled an MLB player, got sponsored, and was interviewed for Style Canada, but I still can't find happiness.
During therapy on Monday, I was crying and asked my therapist for advice. She couldn't tell me what to do, but she suggested I block her on TikTok and Instagram, where she often posted about her social life, which made it harder for me to move on because she’d be shaking ass and partying while I’m here crying and it felt like she was trying to get into competition with me since she wants to start taking content creation seriously and I have a big following already I offered help but she declined
The reason it's been hard for me to let go is because she showed me how to have fun and be myself. We went to many concerts and had late-night adventures together. She was also my first sexual partner at 26 years old and the first girl to make my birthday special.
Blocking her felt like a weight lifted off my shoulders, and it feels like life is just beginning now.
The last time we talked was on Wednesday when I saw her. She barely kissed me and wasn't "feeling it." I even got her food and flowers (I kinda over did the flowers I get her flowers every month or so) said she was meeting a guy friend looked excited and I felt jealous because she’s avoiding dates with me and etc. She said she'd try on a dress I made for her that night but later messaged me saying she was going to bed because she finished her tasks late. I said okay and left it to her to message me, but I haven't heard from her yet.
I was the first guy to meet her mom and she met my family and it’s just one day she went cold turkey. Said she got love for me but not in love with me and thought she would be “dulu” and also said that since she never been in a relationship she has nothing to base it off of (which I didn’t buy) she also said that came from a broken home and can’t give me what I want but at the beginning she said could (I want what my parents have, they been together for 35+ years strong faith humans)
How do you guys handle this?

Okay, so this is going to be a long one. I (31F) have been married to my husband (32M) for 13 years, going on 14 years. We married young. I was 17, and he was 19. (Yes, I know that's crazy young) My husband, i will call him (" hubs " in this post) has 2 brothers. I will refer to his brothers as ( "John" and "zack"). Hubs is the oldest of the three boys. Zack is the second oldest brother (26 M), and John is the youngest brother (24M).
For years, I have had issues with zack. He has continually bullied me in the past. I used to have a lazy eye (I've had surgery to correct it), and he would make fun of it. Asking me which eye i was looking at him with. I have 3 kids, and before I started working again, he made a recommendation to me while having him as a guest at my home.. the recommendation was that I get up and give my chair to my husband so he can sit and relax because he "actually works." As a teen ( he was 17ish), he shoulder checked me (HARD) into a brick wall while I was pregnant with my second daughter. When I was pregnant with my oldest, I lived with my in-laws for a while, and he would make up lies about me to "get his way" with his parents. Stupid lies. Like I was hogging the TV remote, or I was being "mean" to him. Because he is their child and they did not know me well, of course they believed him. Since then, it's been non-stop little things. And jokes that are very distasteful and inappropriate. (No im not a karen these jokes were concerning sex or race and he would say them around my young children) (they are no longer allowed around zack without me or hubs present due to this issue) These things continued to happen up till about 3 or 4 years ago.
My husband's family has regular family gatherings. For every holiday, and in-between the holidays birthdays. For YEARS, I have continued to go despite me being uncomfortable. I respect Hubs mom and grandmother a lot. I also have a good relationship with them. So, to keep the peace, I just dealt with it. That is until my 30th birthday. I then decided that I wouldn't sacrifice my peace on every holiday ect to make someone else happy. So I told my husband's mom that I would only be attending 1 or 2 a year because I no longer wanted to be put in uncomfortable situations.
Zack found out about this. I'm assuming his parents told him. He called and apologized to me. Altho I do forgive him. I don't trust him. So I still don't go much. (Also, zack had been a lot better... untill now)
Rewind a bit..
Now to the SIL Zack got married a few years ago. We will call his now wife "jan" (24F). Jan is 3 months older than the youngest brother John. Despite my distaste for zack, I have tried to keep the peace with Hubs' family. I didn't want to be the cause of family issues. So when I found out about Jan, I had her and zack over. The first time I met Jan, she "scoffed" at me. I joke around with hubs a lot. I call him "baby daddy." We were standing in my kitchen, and I said, "Hey baby, Daddy, can you hand me my drink?" she looks over and scoffs and rolls her eyes at me. Again.. this is our first meeting and we are in MY house. As time passes, she does this quite often. A few years ago, I got breast augmentation, and I was honest about it. I didn't hide it. After three kids and breastfeeding, I wanted to love my body again, and I felt I needed to normalize things like this. (Also, I didn't get them huge.. not that it would matter if I did but for context in 5'4 145 lbs my bottom half is "thicker" so dr said larger implants would "even me out" i got DD's and they do look Portionate) Well I was passing zack and Jan at hubs grandmother's house I over heard them laughing about it. (I don't remember their exact words) Then after that, I found out from other family members that she was going around talking bad about me and my augmentation behind my back.
After that happened, my children went to my mother in laws house. ( zack and Jan moved next door to them), and Jan went to MIL house with her four-wheeler. Then Jan and FIL let my (at the time 11 year old) son get on without an adult with no prior experience and without our knowledge and with no gear. He drove it around the property. I found out about this, and hubs spoke to his parents and let them know that we were not comfortable with that. I called Jan and politely told her that we don't like him on things like that by himself. (My hubs best friend died on something similar when he was 15) and asked that the next time she would call to ask, and maybe we could at least get protective gear for it. She snapped at me and wouldn't let me finish my statement, and with an attitude said "okay I get it, you're the parent," and hung up.
Following this there was also a family wedding that she was very rude at. John got married to a lovely and sweet girl. I will call her lisa. Mine and jans kids were both hin johns and lisas' wedding. So we were in the room with lisa and the bridesmaids. Jan was so rude that the bridesmaids in the wedding noticed. However, Im really close to John and really do see him as my brother. So I kept my mouth shut and held it together because I didn't want to start anything on his wedding day.
Fast forward to now
We recently had a family get-together. I don't go often, as i stated above. But I haven't seen the family in a while (and I am really close to them) so I decided to go. Zack was working, so he wasn't there, but Jan and her two kids were. Lisa and I talked for a while (we are close and get along great!) then I talked to the rest of the family a bit. Jan walked past me and said hi, so to keep things cordial, I smiled andnsaid hi. But that's all I said to her while I was there. When I left, I hugged everyone goodbye (not jan).
A while later, I got a phone call from another family member saying that zack called them ranting about how jan told him i was mean to her. How I didn't hug her goodbye and accusing me of trying to "steal lisa." (Like you can steal a human being 🤦🏻‍♀️) Then zack told this family member that if I continued, he was going to go back to his "old ways."
I'm taken aback by this. I do not want a relationship with zack or Jan because I don't think they are good people. (My husband doesn't either. We have both made that clear)(I just asked my husband to keep the peace for his mom and grandmothers sake) They have both been constant drama and just distasteful. Zack had gotten better, but now this... and still... Why would I want a relationship with them. Or go out of my way to physically hug someone who is hateful to me? Also, i don't even go to most of the family gatherings. How am I trying to steal the other sister in law? Lisa and I hung out outside of the family because we bonded. I even spoke at their wedding. This was already known information. Why would it be weird that I talk to her? I get that jan may feel left out, but in my opinion, you can't make your bed out of rocks and then be upset that it's not comfortable... why should i once again have to make myself uncomfortable to please her? Or them? Jan claims that she just wants a relationship with me (she didn't tell me this. She told another family member)(and this was the same day she and zack call a different family member to rant about how mean i am), but i think she just likes playing games. Because if she did, she wouldn't treat me the way she continues to. (Also, I'm not the only one who notices the way she has treated me, i believe she is just mad bc i wont be walked on any more) I think she wants to be a victim or wants people to see her that way 🤷🏻‍♀️ Most of the other family members understand my POV. But some think I should "give her a chance," but i do not understand the logic of jan and zack. And i do not have a desire to have any form of a relationship with them.
AITA For not wanting to involve myself with her and her husband? What do I do? If I don't go to any family functions, I'm letting them control me. So I'm definitely not doing that, but what other options are there?
Also, NOTE- My husband hates zack and Jan. He is on my side with this. Also, sorry for any typos. I wanted a biased opinion on this, and I'm about to have to leave for work, so I typed fast 😅

I (38 F) have been married to my husband (41 M) for 7 years, this coming June and together for 9 years. We have two kids, twin boys, that are 5 months old. I'm going to give a long backstory so stay with me or scroll to the bottom for the TL;DR.
2 weeks before Mother's Day, I found out my husband had been cheating on me for at least 7 months. I used his phone to use the Lowe's app to order lawn chairs since it's tied to our Lowe's card and I wanted to use our rewards. While I was looking for the particular set I want, he received a Snapchat notification from a woman. I didn't even know he had Snapchat so it peaked my interest. During this time, my husband was mowing the grass.
I open the snap and it's a nude of a woman looking to be in her mid-20s with the caption "I miss you being inside of me". My jaw hit the floor. I started going through his text messages and there were no conversations there with other women except employees from his practice (he is a dermatologist) that were harmless.
I started looking through his Snapchat and I guess he deletes everything because there were no chats between him and this woman. I am not familiar with Snapchat so I Google how to use it while I'm trying to figure out if I can retrieve deleted messages. I don't want to spend all the time I have left of him mowing reading through articles so I give up. I do go through his friend's list and end up coming back to it to take a picture of with my phone.
I look through the rest of the apps on his phone and they all seem benign except this secure folder. I open it and there's a passcode. I try three or four until I figure it out (the date of our first date, ironically) and it opens. There are dozens of nude photos of at least 3 women, including the woman from Snapchat. I know it's the woman from Snapchat because she has a very distinct tattoo on her stomach. Not only are there nudes but there are 2 videos of this same woman giving him oral.
My heart felt like it was trying to come out of my chest. I started shaking and tears started flowing. I took a few deep breaths to calm myself down and then grabbed my phone and started taking pictures of the evidence. I even recorded clips of the videos, I just couldn't watch them in their entirety.
I look through all the apps again and realize that maybe he has some hidden. So, I google hidden apps on android and follow the instructions. Three apps were hidden. Two messaging apps and a hook-up app called Adult friend finder. I debated even opening them because I was so scared of what I would find. But I ended up viewing them because knowing is better than not knowing for me.
He had been messaging at least 4 different women, including the video girl. He had sex with at least two of them that I found proof of. All messages made me sick but the video girl's messages were the worst and completely shattered my heart. I had to stop to go throw up because of the stress and anxiety.
Some messages that hurt me the most were: Her: "Tell me how much better my p***y is than your wife's." Him: "Wetter, tighter and infinitely better."
Her: *sends nude* "How does my body compare to your wife's?" Him: "There is no comparison baby, you are a goddess."
There were so many others but those two come to mind as the ones that made me feel the absolute worst. Remember, I just had twins 5 months ago. I am very insecure due to all of the changes that happened to my body and my c-section scar. I am also 25 pounds heavier than I was pre-pregnancy. My husband and I stopped having sex because it was so uncomfortable for me about 2 months before I gave birth, around the same time he started messaging these women coincidentally. We've only had sex about three times since they were born due to my insecurity issues and just being so exhausted caring for and breastfeeding twins every day. I also have a business and work from home around the twins' schedules so I can stay at home with them.
I take photos of everything, using my phone again like before. The earliest messages were sent 7 months ago so I know it had been going on for at least 7 months, while I was freaking pregnant with our twins. Oh, I also found out that the night after I had a c-section and while our newborn preemie twins were in the NICU, he met with video girl for a hook-up at her apartment. He told me he was going to get food and check on his office. With our twins being preemies, anything could have happened and he wouldn't have been there because he was with her. But, that wasn't a thought for him I guess.
I close out all the apps, make sure the hidden ones are hidden from his home screen and put his phone back exactly where I found it. I also make sure the snap notification was gone. I was nervous that he would find out about the snap that was opened but he didn't.
I call my best friend of over 33 years who is also my business partner. I tell him everything and have a good cry to let it all out. He helps me to collect myself and gives me some sound advice. He tells me to not tell my husband I found anything yet and to speak with a divorce lawyer as soon as possible. He said to meet with the best ones in my area so that they couldn't represent my husband. He offers me and the twins a place to stay at his home if I need time away from my husband, assuring me that his husband would love to have me there.
Over the next week, my BFF helps me take care of the twins while meet with 5 different divorce lawyers and end up hiring, in my opinion, the best. She tells me not to leave the family home so I end up not going to stay with my BFF. She starts the divorce paperwork immediately. During this time, I am doing my best to continue on like nothing is wrong. I want to make sure all of my ducks are in a row before he realizes what I know.
Fast-forward to Mother's Day. My husband makes me breakfast in bed, gives me very expensive jewelry, flowers, the works. I can't enjoy it, of course, because it feels so fake now that I know what he's been up to. I pretend to love it though.
My husband's father planned a cook out that afternoon for my husband's mother, sister (let's call her Julie), sister-in-law (let's call her Fran) and me. We all have infants under a year old so it's everyone's first Mother's day, except my MIL's of course. I told my husband that I didn't feel like going and he guilt-tripped me by saying that my FIL had a big surprise for me and he's been really looking forward giving it to me. So, I reluctantly agree. I ask if my BFF can come since his mother sadly passed away just under a year ago. He calls his dad and my FIL replies that of course he can come. My BFF agreed to come to offer me support since he knew it would be very difficult for me to be there.
I plan to act like nothing's wrong and try to enjoy the day since it's my first Mother's Day after all. I tell myself that I will focus on the twins and get cuddles from my two nieces. Julie has an 8 month old daughter and Fran (husband's brother's wife) has a 10 month old daughter. I'm also the closest to Julie out of all his family since we became friends 10 years ago and she's the one who introduced me to my husband.
We get there and everything is fine. My husband is helping his dad, brother (let's call him Chris), BIL (let's call him Roger) cook on the grill. My MIL and the women are taking turns holding the babies. My BFF took over the kitchen, finishing up all of the sides so the moms could relax. It started out to be a really good day. I kept myself from thinking of my husband's betrayal for the most part and focused on the family.
After we eat my MIL starts taking pictures of the family. I'm sitting on the couch and she tells my husband to sit beside me for the photo. He does and then she tells him to put his arm around me and jokingly says "pretend like you love her" and I lose it. I start to uncontrollably sob.
My MIL pulls me up and hugs me and my FIL comes over and joins in the hug. My BFF comes to stand right next to me. My FIL asks me what was wrong. I look at my BFF and he gives me a "tell if you want" look.
I tell them that I found out my husband has been cheating on me for at least 7 months. Julie gasps and everyone stares at my husband. He stands up and says "that's not true at all, why would you think that? You know you and the boys are my whole world." Everyone is silent, looking at me. I tell them all that I found messages, pictures, the hook-up app and even videos on his phone. My husband looks faint and sits back down. Nobody says anything for at least 2 minutes.
Finally, Julie asks my husband, while crying herself, why? My husband tells her that "I made a mistake, I only talked to the women, I never physically cheated." My BFF quickly replies, "Liar!" Julie then asks me what all I found. I tell them everything, the nudes, the videos of my husband receiving oral, the messages and even tell them what those horrible messages said about me. He continues to deny it! I pull up a few message photos and show them to Julie, my MIL and FIL. My husband tries to gaslight me by saying that he admitted to talking to other women but he never slept with any of them. I really don't want to show them the video but I do find a few messages where my husband and a woman talked about their previous sexual encounters. My husband again says that he admitted to talking to them but never really cheated. He literally says "if the message talks about sex it was just role playing."
Roger (Julie's husband) goes over to my husband and jerks his phone out of his hand. My husband tries to get it back but Roger is 6'7 and my husband is 6'1 so he just holds it up where my husband can't reach. He asks me what his passcode is and I tell him. He then asks me where to find things and as I start to tell him my husband grabs his phone back.
At this point my MIL, Julie and Fran are all crying. Chris starts getting upset with me. He tells me this was not the time nor place to bring this all up and that I ruined Julie and Fran's first Mother's Day. Julie speaks up and says no, my husband is the one who ruined it. Chris starts yelling and saying that our personal business needs to stay private and that I had no right to bring it up to his family and ruin the only first mother's day the women will get. Fran agrees with him and tells me I'm definitely in the wrong for bringing it up, if it even is true.
At this point both of my twins start crying. I am not going to breastfeed them there and I want to get out of that house as quick as possible. I ask my BFF to take me home and we transfer the car seats from my husband's vehicle into his. My MIL follows me outside and says that Chris was right, I should have kept it all to myself and that now future Mother's Days will be a reminder of this fiasco for everyone. I just ignore her and put the twins in the car. My husband comes outside and asks if we can please talk. I tell him no, get in the car and my BFF, the twins and I leave. I end up feeling horrible and guilty that I let it all out to everyone.
My husband didn't come home and ended up staying at his parents house and has been there the past two nights. He got my FIL to come over Sunday evening and pick up clothes, toiletries, work stuff and various other items. While he was here I asked him, did I ruin Mother's Day? He tells me no that my husband did. He said that he asked me what was wrong and I was honest. He said he understood now why the "pretend like you love her" comment caused me to breakdown. I asked him about my MIL, Chris and Fran since I know Julie and Roger aren't mad at me. He said that they are still angry with me but they will eventually get over it.
TL;DR - I found out my husband had been cheating on me for at least 7 months with multiple women, starting while I was pregnant with our twins and continuing after I gave birth. I didn't tell him I knew for 2 weeks. At a Mother's Day cookout that his family hosted for his mother, me, his sister and sister-in-law, his mother made a comment that made me break down. I ended up telling everyone about the infidelity. His brother, SIL, and mother told me I ruined his sister and SIL's first Mother's Day. and that I shouldn't have said anything about the affairs.
Am I the AH?

So, according to multiple reports the number of abortions are up in 2023. There's also an increase in tubal ligation and other permanent birth control surgiries.
In the fourteen states where Conservative Christians have been successful we've seen nightmare scenarios unfold where women either die, or lose their ability to have future children because of the abortion ban.

• In Tennessee Breanna Cecil was told her fetus was not viable outside of the womb at 12 weeks, and in Tennessee she would be forced to carry the fetus to term and deliver.
• In Texas conservative Christian lawmakers are pushing for the death sentence for women who seek abortions
• States that have passed restrictive abortion bans have a higher infant death rate.
• Med students are choosing residencies in states without abortion bans, making it less likely for them to practice in those mostly rural, red states and furthering weakening healthcare in those areas.

So I get it, y'all dumped a lot of money into stacking the supreme court and got what y'all wanted, but are you happy?
I'm a mainline Christian so I subscribe to the millennia-old teaching that life begins at first breath, but those of you who believe in the recent "Life begins at conception," argument that started in the 1980's, is this what y'all want?

I often think about this poem when coming to my own life crossroads....
https://soundgasm.networdsforthesoul01/The-Road-Not-Taken
The Road Not Taken
by Robert Frost
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood, And sorry I could not travel both And be one traveler, long I stood And looked down one as far as I could To where it bent in the undergrowth; Then took the other, as just as fair, And having perhaps the better claim, Because it was grassy and wanted wear; Though as for that the passing there Had worn them really about the same, And both that morning equally lay In leaves no step had trodden black. Oh, I kept the first for another day! Yet knowing how way leads on to way, I doubted if I should ever come back. I shall be telling this with a sigh Somewhere ages and ages hence: Two roads diverged in a wood, and I— I took the one less traveled by, And that has made all the difference.

For some years now I've been receiving emails addressed to someone with a similar email to mine. In the first year, I panicked thinking it was identity fraud, so I tightened everything, checked all records, and I'm safe now. Something I monitor closely now. After that I tried getting in touch with them, without success. Now, I have their banking info, college application access, pickleball schedule, grocery orders, birthday invite list, Christmas wishlist, literally everything.
I have exhausted all my options and think now that if I can cause a minor inconvenience I'm their life, they might get the message and tighten up. Or at least stop entering the wrong email address for important information.
I'm a fairly creative guy and can think of too many things that I can do. I'm curious about what kind of harmless mischief y'all think I should do.
If you're thinking of giving me a moral high ground post. I'm already passed that point. Let's have a little fun.

I moved in 2018, 4 hours from where I grew up. My siblings and dad are still in the area. My mom lives an hour away from them. There have been points where I visit every month, every other. The longest time between visits was 6 months. (I’d been jobless and I couldn’t help it). I’ve been visited by my brother- 0 times, other brother- 2 times, sister 1x. In 6 years. My mother does make a trip up probably 1x a year. And my dad had a stroke and is unable to drive so he can’t anymore, before that it was just him passing through to get to his family who is 8 hours from him. It’s only been 1 intentional visit to see me, and that was to help me move.
I do get they I am the one who moved away. But this Mother’s Day, they had a party. And my siblings started giving me crap about how I needed to show up. They told me Thursday night about the party on Sunday at 2. I work Mondays, and I have to go around nyc to get home, so it would have been a MUCH longer trip than the 3-4 hours it normally takes. I’ve tried explain to them that it’s it fair to expect me to drop everything. I haven’t had the money, the time. And they don’t understand.
I invited my sister and nephew to come up for 3 days. Offered to pay for everything because my bf will be gone a week and I didn’t want to be alone. She said no. And I get it. Nephews 2. My brother who has never visited me? He told me he is only willing to come if my boyfriend gives him a 10k siding job. And other than that refuses to visit me.
I just wish they understood that yes, it’s inconvenient for them, but it also is for ME. I don’t expect them to visit me, I wish they would. But to expect me to show up like that is just unfair.
They are treating me like it’s my choices that make things this way. And yes, it was anbsolutely my choice to move. But I kind of thought they understand. Childhood was rough. So I thought they would get WHY I moved away and keep things at a distance/ set boundaries. Am I wrong for feeling like this? AITAH?
edit to add, my nephews second birthday is this week. I was told that we were having a small gathering next week to celebrate. I wanted to be there for that. it’s not happening now because they decided to just make a joint birthday/ mother day party. yes I know it sucks that I didn’t plan FOR Mother’s Day. But like, I had a legitimate reason. i can’t afford two weekend in a row.

Hello! I have had many lonesome birthdays not having family and such. So I am just gonna put this here and say I’m open for friends and happy birthdays. :) I wouldn’t call myself weird, but just eclectic. So bring some fun conversations if you can. Tell me about your local culture, send me a weird jazz song, send me a whimsical poem you wrote, show me your photoshop skills, or whatever artsy skills you have. I’ll hype it all up.
I work in retail at a fun company that sells different clothing styles, I’m really into strange music and literature, love making art and music on the computer, I have owned 20+ different types of instruments, lived in 2 different countries, and grew up in the middle of nowhere where USA. I’ve lived a lot and have a good soul (if I have one)
But yeah, have a great day!

We dated for only 1.5 months she cut things off saying she had to go heal more from her abusive ex before me, from what she had told me he was a bad guy. They were together 3 years and only been split for 5ish months.
Anyway she cut things off with me a month ago now, we sent some condolences to one another within a week of the cut off because my grandad passed and she laid her dogs to rest. We then went back to silence.
Her birthday was last week and it was a battle for me not to say anything to her. I didn’t though and was very proud of myself for not doing so.
Yesterday I woke up very much feeling like messaging her happy belated birthday sorry it’s late. So I did, I didn’t want to spend all day fighting my head over such a trivial thing so I sent it off, I got a reply, she thanked me and hopefully I was doing well, I then replied saying thanks, doing alright, hope shes having a good time on holiday with her family, she then sent 2 pictures of nice scenery and saying how she wish she brought her car.
I replied again saying it looks lovely and im sure next year she will take the hard top off and be in her element. She replied a final time saying something along the lines of yeah hopefully next year!
I left the conversation there. Im happy with that chat, I dont know where or even if it will lead to anything in the future but it has weirdly gave me a bit of closure.
I dont have anything to say to her again which is fantastic, I suppose thats where the closure has came from.
Im probably going to ask if she wants to watch deadpool 3 when its out as we watched the first 2 together during dating with plans to see the 3rd. Thats the final line I think there, if she declines thats alright, if she agrees then we just see how things are.
Im open to trying a friendship, not sure I could date her again, would take some time for me to build that trust again.

I am have been battling diagnosed depressions and anxiety for about seven years now, I always had to take medication, but never talked about me wanting to end things. Before medication I use to have constant panic and anxiety attacks that used to scare me, I would also not eat for days and scratch myself, pulling hair and beating me, ik...
3 years ago my soul cat died, but I held on as much as I could and, in my birthday (and the birthday of her passing) this year I lost it. I started having the same episodes, the same self destructive behavior and thoughts of ending it all, I became mean to my boyfriend who has been nothing but supportive and helpful and hurted myself a few times, so I decided to tell my doctor about this ideations and she got me on lithium. I start tomorrow and I am terrified of taking it: you read about the side effects, the songs, the numbness and I don't know how to star processing this.
I am scared I might loose the joy of my normal things, like music, movies and my pets. I am scared I will not be me anymore, and honestly I am scared I might pee my pants - because somehow this is a common side effect.
everywhere I turn people have horror stories about lithium and I don't know what to do. I know that without it I might hurt myself really bad and besides wanting to end it all, I know dying isn't a answer or an option, but I don't know how I will be on it.