The time has finally come! After months of adjusting inputs and waiting and more adjusting inputs, I can post my final RB and WR rookie grades for the 2024 class.
If you're not familiar with what I do here, you can find my historical grades for WR here: https://docs.google.com/spreadsheets/d/1Fsn5KXeegFXvQdeSrDrtO_pFZNO_lh58HB5kUkJ_O7A/edit#gid=0 The grades are posted there class-by-class as well as all together so you can see how these guys stack up historically.
This will be a long post but, if I can say so, one I think worth giving your time to. You can just scroll down to the grades but you'll get more out of it if you take the 15 minutes. Normally I'd wait and post the strongemore interesting of the classes between running back and receiver, but this time just gonna get straight to the one everyone wants to hear about the most. Also, for those that have been following along for a while, you'll see I've added the 2016 class. This was previously unseen data for my process and I'm happy with the results.
Before we get to the rankings a couple notes on process and some justification for the grades:
The grades cover almost every WR drafted since 2016 and a small selection of other guys I've been randomly interested in grading. They use a combination of competition and experience adjusted production metrics, size and athleticism inputs, professional film grades, and NFL draft capital.
The grades are technically out of 4 though it is possible to exceed 4 though nobody has ever done it. I do not include any analysis of landing spot in the grades. I only include things I can quantify and repeat year over year.
These grades correlate with fantasy PPG across a player's first two years in the league more strongly than both NFL draft capital and rookie draft ADP. They do not correlate as well as RB but it's close. I have a little less certainty about projecting WRs for fantasy and so this is built into the grades. WRs tend to score a little lower than RBs because of this.
The tiers are historical tiers (not class by class) break down like this:
These tiers are meant to be used in conjunction with ADP to provide rough guides on how to approach exposure each year. This is a crucially important point. If you miss this, you've missed much of the power of the grades.
1* are generational WRs. These are 98th percentile and up. Across all the WR's I've graded only Ja'Marr Chase, Amari Cooper, Calvin Johnson have reached this level...until this year. These are essentially perfect prospects. You should be prioritizing drafting these players any chance you get at market value during rookie drafts and then keep your ear to the ground for any decrease in value going forward through the first half of their rookie season. I've done some work on how early you should look to cut bait on rookie WRs and the data suggests that it's a lot earlier than most would think. For players of this quality, I would break that rule and look at a miserable first 3-4 games as a signal to buy rather than sell.
1 are elite WRs. They are everything you could reasonably ask for in a WR prospect but lack the over-the-top profile of the generational guys. Over 50% of these players have hit at least one WR1 season (PPG, I always use PPG). With a couple more (Garrett Wilson and Drake London), I suspect it's only a matter of time. These again are priority buys who you're always targeting at cost in rookie drafts and want as much exposure as possible when ADP places them in the late 1st, early 2nd especially. I don't know if I'd look to buy given a very poor first 4 games, but would at least kick tires to see if the price had sufficiently dropped. Usually it does not.
2 are upside WRs. These are still players you usually target in rookie drafts but typically are flawed in one way or another whether it be relatively poor draft capital, incomplete production profile, relatively limited physical traits/abilities, or a bit of multiple things. This is where we see the first hit rate cliff but there are still multiple multi-year WR1s here. Sometimes guys in this tier end up going mid-2nd or later in rookie drafts. When that happens, you want an enormous exposure.
3 are "draftable" WRs. These are the players you look to take dart throws on in round 3 and 4 of rookie drafts. "Draftable" does not mean "draftable at any price" and these guys often do end up overpriced (Laquon Treadwell, Henry Ruggs, Terrace Marshall, Denzel Mims, etc.). That said, the best use of this tier is to identify your late round dart throw types.
4 are avoid WRs. These are poor WR prospects who in some cases have enough going on in their profile to get pushed into the 2nd or even 1st round of rookie drafts (Dante Pettis, Mecole Hardman, Parris Campbell, Kadarius Toney, Andy Isabella). These are always avoids at that price and are not favored as late round dart throws compared with previous tiers. There are very few hits in the history of this tier.
5 are ignore WRs. These are players that you just do not bother with at all. They are deeply flawed prospects that have very few hits since 2016. If you want to try finding the next Puka Nacua, I would suggest looking in the tiers above.
Now on to some generalities about the class:
You may have seen my post here:
https://www.reddit.com/DynastyFF/comments/1c2jqaa/2024_receiver_class_in_historical_context/
about this class in historical context where I glowed about this class. Well that was before the NFL draft, film grade adjustments, and a final sweep of the math to make sure everything was correct. After all of this, I ended up lower on the class overall.
This is a fine class of receivers overall though not at the historic level from top to bottom that you may have seen touted. In historical context it is tied for the highest average grade of the top 3 since 2016, is fourth over that time in terms of average of the next 5, and is third over that time in terms of average of the top 12. The class is highlighted by 2 1* tier "generational" prospects in Marvin Harrison Jr. and Malik Nabers. In this sense alone, this class is historic as from 2016-2023, only one receiver (Ja'Marr Chase) profiled at that level. These two alone are a big reason whey this class comes in 3rd since 2016 in average grade of the top 12. Some would have a third in Rome Odunze at or near this level, but that's not how things ended up for me. More on that later.
Where the class falters compared to expectation is in it's depth. There are good players don't get me wrong but losing Troy Franklin from the upside tier hurt quite a bit and the adjustments for most players in at least draftable tier and up were mostly to deduct from their grades.
Now for the grades.
Remember, you can (and very much should) check out where these guys sit historically in the link I provided above. Putting these players into historical context is really a big part of what these grades are all about. Here is that link again:
https://docs.google.com/spreadsheets/d/1Fsn5KXeegFXvQdeSrDrtO_pFZNO_lh58HB5kUkJ_O7A/edit#gid=0
If you skipped the intro stuff a reminder that these grades are out of 4 and that the tiers are historical tiers. They indicate where a player fits in with almost every WR drafted since 2016 + a few here and there.
Finally, again note that these grades are meant to be used in conjunction with ADP. "Draftable" for example only literally means "draftable" if the price is right. I am considering releasing a supplementary kind of "draft guide" sketch this year to really make sure I get this point across.

Player	Grade (x/4)	Historical Tier
Marvin Harrison Jr.	3.85	1* - Generational
Malik Nabers	3.75	1*
Rome Odunze	3.1	2 - Upside
Xavier Worthy	2.9	2
Brian Thomas Jr.	2.9	2
Keon Coleman	2.7	2
Ricky Pearsall	2.3	3 - Draftable
Troy Franklin	2.25	3
Adonai Mitchell	2.1	3
Jermaine Burton	1.85	4 - Avoid
Ladd McConkey	1.8	4
Devontez Walker	1.8	4
Xavier Legette	1.75	4
Jacob Cowing	1.7	4
Ja'Lynn Polk	1.55	4
Roman Wilson	1.55	4
Malik Washington	1.5	4
Malachi Corely	1.4	4
Anthony Gould	1.4	4
Javon Baker	1.3	4
Bub Means	1.25	4
Luke McCaffrey	1.2	4
Jalen McMillan	1.15	4
Jamari Thrash	1.15	4
Cornelius Johnson	1.15	4
Ainias Smith	.9	5 - Ignore
Johnny Wilson	.8	5
Devaughn Vele	.75	5
Tejhaun Palmer	.65	5
Brendon Rice	.6	5
Tahj Washington	.6	5
Jha'Quan Jackson	.55	5
Jordan Whittington	.55	5
Casey Washington	.45	5

Now a few quick notes on some players I find particularly interesting:
Troy Franklin
Oh how the mighty have fallen. If you look at my post-combine grades, you'll notice that Franklin is much, much lower here than he was there. It shouldn't surprise anyone to learn that his fall in the NFL draft is the main driver of his likewise tumble in my own rankings.
I'm not out all the way out though. He still ends up as an at least draftable player due in large part to a very strong production profile and decent professional film grades. When you spend as much time looking at this data as I have, you start to notice little eccentricities jumping out at you. One of these "themes" that interests me the most is the little cluster of players from grade 2.35 to 2.25 historically who got to that range despite draft capital outside the first 3 rounds.
This is the qualifying list of guys:

• Pharoah Cooper
• Equanimeous St. Brown
• Amon-Ra St. Brown
• Stefon Diggs
• Gabe Davis
• Antonio Brown
• Troy Franklin
• Demarcus Robinson
• Malachi Dupree

This is a much better little group of players than it has any right to be given how they all grade out and where they were selected in the NFL draft. This list contains 3 massive, league-winning, kind of hits and another guy (Gabe) that had a moment in the NFL strong enough to drive a top 15 market valuation at one point.
Every name in this list had a strong production profile including an early breakout. Every name in this list declared early. Historically there's data now within my process to I think meaningfully say that 2.35-2.25 is where these elite production+early declare profiles that for whatever reason are faded by the NFL tend to populate. I'm not saying he's going to end up Antonio Brown but there is a lot to like still when you look at him holistically.
Long story short, I will have a lot of Troy Franklin assuming his NFL tumble ends up making him available anywhere near late 2nd. There's still a lot to like, he fits into an interesting "archetype" historically, and he got drafted to a spot with a depth-chart open for the taking playing alongside his college QB.
Rome Odunze
I am not low on Rome Odunze.
I think about a third of the people that see all this work will essentially boil it down to "lol he's low on Odunze". That's not the case.
He's a 91st percentile prospect for me historically. He's rubbing shoulders with the likes of Devonta Smith, Chris Godwin, and Brandon Aiyuk historically. That's very good. It's just not Malik Nabers good. I think this probably isn't a soapbox I need to get on much anymore now that it seems the Odunze = Nabers talk has died down a bit after the draft but I would say that more than anything my point here is to implore anyone reading this to not draft Odunze over Nabers.
He's a fine prospect. It's, in my estimation, malpractice to draft him over Mailk Nabers specifically. It's a lesser crime to pay a large price to jump up from BTJ or Worthy to sang Odunze but not something I will be doing personally. I imagine my exposure to Odunze will be fairly small and that it will come in exactly the spots where it's he and JJ McCarthy available and I can't trade the pick.
Ladd McConkey, Malachi Corely, Ja'Lynn Polk, Xavier Legette, Adonai Mitchell
Now these players you can say I'm low on. Their holistic profiles are just not very good at all.
Again, this is all relative to cost. I'm never paying a 1st for these players. In the likely ADP range where these guys end up, I'm going to be favoring Keon Coleman, trade backs to grab Troy Franklin, or maybe Trey Benson if he's there.
It's wise to bake in the possibility that you're wrong on a player by getting exposure to players you are low on when ADP allows. In instances where I'm on the clock and one of these guys has slipped significantly and there are no players I massively prefer, I will grab a share to account for some likelihood these guys end up better than how they grade out. Usually those situations are so rare that I end up with just about enough to satisfy that "hedge".
Jermaine Burton
I want some despite what the grade says. That's it lol. Nothing having to do with the grades obviously but a there's enough stuff outside what goes into these that I'm intrigued and the price should be right where I'm not having to pass on anyone that's clearly better very often. Maybe I'll sacrifice one Troy Franklin in a spot just to satisfy the curiosity.
Well that's it! If you read this far, thanks as always. As usual I love to answer comments and questions so ask away.
Next up, running backs!

I just broke it off with my ld boyfriend but why is it hurting me more than anything. He started changing up on me. He wasn't calling like he normally do. He keep me on hold alot when answering the another call, he didn't put enough effort into coming to see me. I would be the one traveling 3.5hr to see him it seems like every other weekend. I've been dealing with alot lately and he has shown any emotional support. I totaled my vehicle and been paying for a rental and he used that as an excuse for him nit telling me about a couple event this weekend that we would normally attend together. He was acting really weird as if he didn't want me to come down and then last night he butt dial me and I heard Jim talking to a female before he went inside to the event. I asked him about it through texted and he lied. Also he told me last minute he was going to a strip club to a friend bachelor party. I didn't heard from him the rest of the night. He has never done this. Things have been so off and my instinct has been telling me it's someone else he is seeing. In the past I stayed in relationships that wasn't good for me because I loved them and it affected my mental state so. This relationship was doing the same and I just had to cut ties. I love him so but I can't keep feeling the way that I feel. He wasn't answering my call so I left a long message and told him he didn't have to reply. I wished him well and told him I'm going to work on me. He hasn't attempted to call or text. Which further makes me believe he was seeing someone else. I felt like I was doing what was best for me but I'm hurting deep down.

Alright this is going to be a long post I am about to write. I hope it is read and people will comment their opinions because I don't have many people to talk about this with.
Many many years ago, maybe after high school? (I'm 29 now) one of my best friends told me about Astral Projection and we looked into it and use to try doing it. We never got far, just those weird little vibrations/sensations in your body but unable to leave. There was one time I felt an extremely strong sensation, but couldn't leave my body and it was so intense that I shot right up in my bed. I didn't dedicate my life to it and naturally stopped trying to do it, however throughout the years ever since I moved to SC, about 7 years ago, I would have weird things happen to me whenever I would take a nap on my couch. I would take naps on the couch not to trying to practice AP but just because I was tired and would fall asleep. This wouldn't happen every time I'd take a nap on the couch there were very very few moments, but one particular time I remember napping on the couch it felt like I was being abducted and the body sensations were extremely stronger than I ever experienced before and I kept hearing really weird things outside, its hard to remember exactly what was going on with that experience because it was many years ago, the point being, it seems whenever I take a nap on the couch in my living room is when I get the strongest AP sensations because whenever I nap in my bed it doesn't really ever happen.
Keep in mind I stopped trying to AP and didn't even really think much about it anymore when that particular moment on the couch happened I did think of it and wondered if that's what it was, but nothing that intense never happened again. Yesterday, I took a nap not on my couch because 2 years ago I got a comfy lazy boy couch chair thing that pulls out and my cat loves to lay with me on it. What I experienced was the most wild thing I've ever encountered in my life and I am going to do my best to properly describe it. To put how crazy this felt to me I have done a lot of hallucinogens in my college days and experienced some CRAZY stuff, what happened to me yesterday took the #1 spot in wild experiences I have had in my whole life.
Its important to note I had the Islanders hockey game playing on my tv during this because that played a large part in what happened. I remember as I was drifting off into sleep those body sensations I've felt napping on my couch where happening, I didn't think of AP I just thought, wow I am feeling this weird feeling I've felt before on my couch napping. Eventually, I drifted off into sleep, but I was aware of my body being on the chair and the sensations I was feeling, and could hear the hockey game on my tv, but I was dreaming. I was having an extremely real dream where (and this is how I am interrupting it) it felt like I broke through into a different alternate life of mine. In my current life I grew up in long island NY and moved to SC and have lived here for about 7 years or so. In this different life of mine I still lived in SC, but I spent a lot more time visiting long island and spending many months at a time there, working all sorts of odd jobs while I was there. In this alternate life I was wanting to visit long island and I was thinking about/reliving all these odd jobs I did and had the thought, 'I wonder if they would let me work there again so I can be there for a couple months.' I kept dreaming of me working at these places, and where I would be staying at different spots on long island. The things I was living through kept changing rapidly and it was intense. It felt SO familiar to me that I kept thinking this actually happened to me in real life, and I felt bad because I forgot about all this stuff. While this was happening the sensations in my body escalated immensely and I could still hear the hockey game playing off my tv. An interesting detail I remember, I could hear the sports announcers talking about how the other team scored a goal and tied the game, this is where things get REALLY weird and I don't know what was a dream or what was me waking up. I remember hearing this on the tv and I don't know if I really opened my eyes or not, I am guessing I did, but when I opened my eyes and saw my tv I couldn't move, just look at the tv and I saw the score and what happened was accurate to what I heard. The sensations in my body were running extremely strong though, normally I would be scared like that one time on the couch I thought I was being abducted, but this time I enjoyed it and knew nothing bad was happening to me so I focused more and more on it.
What proceeded to happen next is difficult to describe, but I will do my best. I don't know what time it was, I don't know how long this happened to me, time completely disappeared in what happened next. So, I don't know what was me being awake and not, some parts I do know, but throughout this whole time, the tv playing, and my presence laying on my chair could be felt like I KNEW where my real body was and I could FEEL it and hear it. For the first time in years I thought about AP because what was happening to me sounded exactly like it did in my research I did on it many years ago. So, I tried to leave my body and there was a little TINY difficulty at first, but I lifted myself out pretty much almost immediately. I could never imagine in my life what this actually could feel like until I did it. I could 'feel' my body still laying in the chair, hearing the game on tv, but my 'spirit' (I'll call it) floated up into the air without my control. The first thing I did was turn around to see if I could see myself in my chair, but it was empty. At this point in my head I was thinking holy F'in S*it I can't believe this is happening. The body sensations were at its peek it felt like my body ingested a bunch of things that make massage chairs do its thing its like indescribable what I was feeling.
So, I floated through my house and this is where things get difficult to piece together. What proceeded to happen was every ten seconds? I don't know because time was like nonexistent, but it kept happening quick, I couldn't stay out of my body for long so I am going with 10-15 seconds I would float around and then be forced back into my body. What was difficult to remember is whether I was awake or dreaming because I kept seeing the tv and my living room when I went back into my body, but I could not move, every time I tried to move I kept leaving my body again and every time I did weirder stuff kept happening. The way I describe it is, I was moving into different dimensions (and I'm not saying I was actually moving into different dimensions this is just how it felt to me). I can't remember everything, but here's some stuff, one dimension there was a basement in the middle of this room I have my drum set in and I went into it and in the basement there were windows and I could see a huge mythical jungle outside, I really wanted to keep moving forward and go into it but I kept getting pulled back into my body having to restart the process all over again. Another time I flew straight up into the air, that one was 'quick' I guess it didn't feel like 10-15 seconds more like 5 and went back into my body. Another time there were these, and this one is gonna sound weird, really crappy SpongeBob drawings ALL over the walls of my apartment and for some reason in my head I came to the conclusion these were pictures my brother drew when he was younger, I even remember tearing one off the wall and looking at it. Another time I manipulated my spirit body into NOTHING like I was just a completely floating conscious and I could not feel my physical form AND I couldn't feel the sensations in my body this one was quick also, and like always forced right back into my body. This stuff kept happening over, and over again, something different would happen, sometimes I would just float around my house or float around outside, but then be forced back into my body looking at the TV I couldn't tell if that was me waking up and falling back asleep and leaving my body, but this cycle kept repeating for I have no idea how long. Eventually, it started to scare me because whenever I got back into my body I couldn't move, I thought I slipped into a coma, or I was dead, or this would last forever which is funny because I've felt that way on LSD before, if you know what I mean, you know. I also assumed I was napping for a while now even though I had no idea how much time had past, I feel like there was one point where I tried checking the time? There were a lot of things that happened and I can't remember most of them, but I knew I needed to wake up because my buddies would be waiting for me to get on discord and play video games with them.
There were times after leaving my body I would manipulate the 'body of my spirit' just to test the full potential of what was happening. The last thing I did as soon as I left my body, I reached into my eye socket and took my eye out and ate it, the 'body spirit me' felt it. I felt my eye like it was a little ball of energy I just consumed, don't know why I did it, I wasn't in much control of what was going on. It didn't even hurt, but I FELT it, I could feel the eye coming out of the socket and going into my mouth and down my throat and immediately dissipating when it got to my stomach. This sounds too crazy to make up right? I can't even believe just yesterday all this crazy stuff happened. I forced myself to wake up, I mean I had to FORCE it, I've been trapped in dreams before and I really had to summon some willpower to make myself wake up and move. Even after I woke up and moved, the sensations weren't strong, but it was still happening, I could still feel it. I immediately grabbed my phone and started texting my best buddy who was one of the people I was going to be gaming with soon and texted him like 10 different messages of what happened it was truly the most wildest thing ever. Then I went in our PSN fb group chat and started telling them all this they are really the only people I could talk to about this because we are all extremely close knowing each other for over 10 years and meeting up in real life several times to hangout. They were telling me to get into the discord, but I needed a moment to re-center myself its really tough to describe what happened especially to them after it just happened since then I've gathered my thoughts about it and wanted to make this reddit post. I felt WEIRD for a while, I hoped in the discord chat we started talking they were asking me about it because I sent like 20 messages about it lol but I felt different. I remember we hopped on The Finals and I was staring at the main menu screen and everything in life looked like it was 8k it was so weird. After about an hour I started to feel normally again as we were chatting and playing games my mind got distracted from what happened.
In conclusion, I don't know if Astral Projection is REAL or just in our heads and we are having wild dreams. I don't know if there is a spirit within me and I really left my physical body. I don't know if I was dreaming or experiencing it in real life. I don't know what happened and I can't say for sure. What I do know is I felt things and experienced something I have never even imagined was possible, what felt like a dream felt real to my body. You know how they say to recognize if you're dreaming or not to pinch yourself and if you don't feel anything you are? Well I did that and I felt that, in fact I could feel everything happening to me and not only did I feel it in my 'spirit body' but I felt it in my physical body on my couch, I could feel myself in two separate places somehow. I found it odd when I turned around to look at myself the chair was empty, I've heard stories that you could see yourself, but I didn't? I had another experience today because of course I wanted to try it again, and I am convinced it was Astral Projection even though I can't say for sure if it's real or a dream, but this post has gone on long enough and I need a break from writing lol I will comment on this post what happened today because it was interesting and quick so it wont be a million words long.
Please, read my post, let me know your opinions, I need people to talk about this with because I can't stop thinking about it .-.

As in, the part of you with all these limiting beliefs that feel difficult to overcome. That feels like you’re in a constant struggle with. The “Shadow” self.
That version of you doesn’t care about the facts of the law. It’s why you can repeat that circumstances don’t matter, feel good for a minute, but later start to fall back into the old swing of things. It cares about experience.
You’re fighting the battle with the wrong weapon.
We may be aware of limiting beliefs, but we tend to internalize them after an experience, and stamp them into our identity. Because experiences tend to become memories, and memories are tied to specific emotions that trigger immediately into our body when we think of them.
Using the logic of the law, and acquiring knowledge is only 1/2 of the work. Your “shadow” self fears reliving the experience that caused you to have the negative limiting beliefs. It has knowledge of the law yes, but it also has knowledge of the 3D, and the experience of the 3D to counter it.
The brain can’t tell between memory, or imagination. It can’t tell if an immersive imagination experience is real or not. The emotions and body reacts all the same.
Therefore, your “shadow” self, the limiting beliefs you. Doesn’t actually care about the facts of the 3D or knowledge of the law, what it cares about is the experience.
If you feel unworthy of love. Reading “worthiness doesn’t matter.” Won’t do much if you have the experience and feeling of unworthiness in your state of being. You need to go into the 4D and create the experience of being worthy, feeling that you are worthy of love to craft the memory. Your brain will believe it regardless.
This goes for anything.
People will go into their imagination and imagine their desire in a way that almost subconsciously allows them to view their desire. But avoid the confrontation of the limiting Belief.
You can imagine yourself & your sp being together and eating at a restaurant. But how does that resolve you feeling unworthy? It only addresses the “having.” but for as long as you feel unworthy you won’t actually have it?
(Also to note, people have things all the time but their feelings get in the way. People date someone yet still feel unworthy. And the relationship suffers because of that. This goes for anything.)
Or maybe you want to be a famous athlete. But you’ve been bullied about your skills. You know you’re better then you’re peers, but feel like an imposter amongst the professionals.
No amount of “skills are irrelevant, circumstances don’t matter.” Will convince your “shadow” if you don’t have any experience to back it up?
Same thing, some people may imagine themselves as the athlete doing interviews, or anything not related to skill set. As an unconscious way to avoid addressing the limiting belief part of them. Your desires this way will always feel so close yet so far, because you’re just touching the surface.
There is no difference between a memory and imagination. So you can just create new memories.
Carl Jung said “Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate.”
This doesn’t apply to everyone, but, if you’re struggling maybe this may apply to you. Yes, some people didn’t need to do this, but, it doesn’t really matter does it?
Give yourself the experience that you would need to recover from the limiting belief. As Neville points out, the law of reversibility is ingrained in the law. If a belief gets solidified from experience, then creating an experience will solidify your new belief that you desire to obtain.

Hi, I’m a 21NB (Born Male) College student currently dealing with intimacy addiction and feeling tremendously guilty for my past actions. Ever since I was an early teen I had problems with anxiety and a moderate form of sex addiction. Throughout my life I have had dozens of sexual partners ranging between sexting, to light intimacy, to intercourse. Ever since I was young I’ve always been extremely critical of people who commit crimes involving sex. I in my very sex heavy life have run into miscommunications and I’ve also made extremely poor choices, and I’m unsure of how to deal with the guilt. While I’ve never done anything illegal and especially in my college life have made an extremely vocal point to check in with my partners, I’ve found myself on the back end of accusations at times.

• When I was an early teenager in highschool, an ex girlfriend who I had never slept with (I was a virgin at the time) accused me of touching her inappropriately on a school trip. It was never investigated by the school and she later admitted to it being a lie to me and played it down, but this is kinda where the first fears of being judged sexually started
  
• when I was 19 in my freshman year of college, I was introduced to a ‘21 year old’ senior. We slept together in a one night stand and it was revealed to me she was actually 25. After hooking up we went on a date and she ghosted me, I wasn’t very affected but 8 months after she went through my schools TITLE IX accusing me of sexually assaulting her. She specifically asked that it be not investigated, and instead all I had to do was quit a leadership job on campus I had just received that summer. My father passed away months before so I could not afford to quit, so instead we held a meeting where she just ‘decided’ there was no need for action. We signed an informal notice closing the case.
  
• my best friend from the beginning of freshman year to the beginning of sophomore year, a virgin lesbian, had confessed she was beginning to develop weird feelings for me as I had come out as nonbinary. I had always been attracted to and had feelings for her and we ended up sleeping together. Days after she told me she felt that she was wrong about her initial thoughts, this was shortly before she entered a rehab program for addiction and I have barely heard from her in months.
  
• A friend group I had made at the start of my sophomore year recently cut all ties with me primarily due to me creating several intimate connections with people in the group. 2 I had an on and off situation-ship with (one I had slept with a few times, the other was a virgin and we both felt like since I was not serious about a relationship with her that it was better to not take that step for her) and then I had taken the first kiss and fooled around with one other, and sexted with a 4th. These people all told me they simply could not handle how self destructive my lifestyle was and needed to separate themselves from me, which I entirely understood and accepted. Every action step I took with each of these 4 people was communicated and consensual, which created a sense of shock when the 4 of them blamed me for the entirety of the actions with each of them, while I DEFINITELY should’ve made better choices, it felt so one sided and as though accountability wasn’t being taken by some of them. Some of them knew of my relations with the others and made these choices with me in secret anyway. They’re all still friends and avoid me. I work jobs with some of these people and they have not made any attempt to mess with my employment, though this is a fear of mine.
  

At this point if you’ve read this far I’m sure you’re sensing a pattern, for a little context on me, my mother died November of this past year and my father passed in April of the same year. Within 6 months of each other they both passed away. I had been financially and emotionally dependent on myself since I turned 16 and had to push myself into college and into leadership opportunities. Up until the last 2 months I had never seen a therapist or counselor.
Im completely aware that my past actions were self destructive. There were several past choices I had made that clearly could have been avoided had I not relied on intimacy. I hope this comes off not as deflection because I am responsible for the actions of making these poor choices for the dynamics of my relationships, yet I feel tremendously guilty for hurting these people in the different ways I have. I don’t know what of this I can justify with my trauma and what of this I shouldn’t. Some of the people mentioned previously have told me I can’t rely on what I’ve been through over the past year to cover up for my destructive needs for intimacy, while others tell me I’m grieving and while this is destructive, I’m not the only person who has ever struggled in this way.
I’m seeing both a licensed therapist and a counselor, I now also have a licensed psychiatrist and my prescription for high anxiety medication will be ready tomorrow for pickup.
All of this to say, how do I deal with this guilt of having made people feel negatively. I have been emotionally punishing myself for these poor choices and it’s making me miserable, I don’t know anybody else who struggles with sex the way I have, and when I tell people about my struggle people tell me I’m brave for sharing and facing my own problems, but they never know the full story the way I do. I know I’ve never meant to hurt anyone and I’ve never made a conscious sexual choice at the expense of another, but my actions intended for positive intimacy have resulted in people being hurt. Over the last 2 months I’ve made some great changes for my intimacy life, but the guilt is still exhausting.
I’m looking for a dialogue, a possible level of reassurance, some advice, anything. I’d appreciate avoiding harsh criticism without worthwhile advice that goes beyond ‘it’s easy, get over yourself.’ I’m also happy to clear up any confusion about the situation.

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I just noticed that the chapters were reversed between Chapter 3 and 4, but it's been fixed now. Thanks for the heads-up!

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In the cavernous Hall of Insight that same night, the Elders and the venerable Patriarch of the ancient Kunlun sect gathered amid the flickering crimson glow of numerous lanterns.
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Towering pillars lined the vast space, their shadows stretching across the polished stone floors. Large rounded tables of intricately carved redwood filled the chamber, their surfaces gleaming under the warm illumination.
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The Elders, legendary for their profound martial prowess, wore stern expressions, their brows furrowed in contemplation. The Patriarch, his wizened face etched with deep lines, was seated in the central position of honor, back ramrod straight.
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He raised a gnarled hand, silencing the hushed murmurs, and spoke in a voice roughened by decades of experience, "What is this, Elders?" His piercing eyes, the only visible feature in the dimness, scanned the gathered council.
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"This illusion, Patriarch," confidently spoke one of the Elders, straightening his posture as all eyes turned towards him. "It must be the work of the Illusionary Sect. We have all borne witness to the sudden and inexplicable appearance of the 'Tower of God.'"
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A heavy silence blanketed the hall as the gravity of the situation sank in. Even the revered Patriarch was not exempt from the effects of this powerful sorcery.
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Another Elder spoke up, leaning forward with furrowed brows and eyes sharp as daggers, "I disagree. The simultaneous abduction of all of us, using the name of 'God.' This is not the usual approach of the Illusionary Sect." Their voice carried an edge of consternation.
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A muscular Elder with a rough, weathered face adorned by a thick beard nodded firmly. "Elder Fang's point is valid, but aside from this strange occurrence, I am more concerned about our missing disciples." His words hung in the air like a tangible weight, silencing everyone once more.
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The creak of the large wooden door suddenly shattered the tense quiet as a disciple slipped inside, promptly bowing low with hands cupped at chest level.
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"Forgive my impudence, but I am here to deliver a report about our missing disciples, as instructed by Elder Xia."
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The disciple, fighting to keep his voice steady, proceeded to narrate the gathered reports in full detail.
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In summary, all the missing disciples had inexplicably vanished at the exact moment when the strange hovering illusion first manifested before their eyes.
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He confirmed this sobering fact personally, having witnessed his friend's absence upon their return from the mysterious occurrence.
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A palpable unease settled over the hall as the Elders and the Patriarch exchanged weighted glances, eyebrows raised in shared trepidation at this alarming development.
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"It is evident that only the disciples above 17 years old are missing. This aligns with what the mysterious Spirit Illusion has stated," the Patriarch declared, shaking his head slowly in the encompassing darkness.
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Despite his steady tone, weariness lined his voice, a testament to the heavy toll this sudden crisis had already taken on the aged master after so long without major incident.
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"Gather all of them in the Central Courtyard immediately. Whether this is a ploy by the Illusionary Sect or the insidious Demonic factions, as leaders of the Orthodox Faction, we must prioritize the safety of our own people above all else."
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...
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The tense night eventually gave way to the vibrant warmth of the rising sun, its golden rays filtering through the trees as the melodic chorus of songbirds welcomed the new day.
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In the Outer Disciple Courtyard of the renowned Kunlun Sect, typically alive with the sounds of disciples engaging in rigorous morning training exercises, an unusual stillness prevailed.
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Not a single figure moved amid the empty training grounds.
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Within the humble Outer Disciple dormitory, Ji Wuye, the lone occupant with long flowing white hair and striking aristocratic features, slept peacefully.
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His closed eyes twitched briefly before slowly opening, revealing piercing crimson irises that scanned the vacant beds surrounding him.
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He let out a long yawn, his unbound hair cascading in silken waves over the simple sheets. As the last vestiges of sleep finally released their hold on his mind, his gaze sharpened with harsh reality.
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"So this is not merely a dream..."
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Once again, he was forced to accept the bitter truth of his circumstances. It seemed unfathomable that just the day before, he had been diligently performing push-ups and triumphantly conquering the first floor of the Tower of God.
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"Let's see... after the first day..." Ji Wuye muttered to himself as he deftly changed into a fresh set of pristine white martial robes, tying the sash neatly at his slim waist. There could be no doubt as to their next course of action.
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"They must be gathering at the Central Courtyard." As for the puzzling question of why no one had bothered to rouse him from slumber, the obvious answer soon became clear - he had no male friends.
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...
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As Ji Wuye made his way from the quiet Outer Disciple dorm towards the Central Courtyard, the winding path remained utterly deserted, an eerie stillness permeating the air.
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Normally this route would be alive with the sounds of disciples making their way to the Outer Courtyard for early morning training sessions.
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However, as he passed by those vacant practice grounds, not a single figure could be seen moving amidst the neatly raked sand and wooden practice dummies, confirming Ji Wuye's deduction that all able disciples had been summoned elsewhere.
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Upon finally reaching the expansive Central Courtyard, he was met with a stark contrast - a bustling scene of disciples lined up in orderly rows, nervous murmuring carrying on the crisp morning breeze.
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Furtive glances were exchanged as friends and peers reunited after the harrowing events of the previous night.
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"I still can't believe it..." one lanky disciple muttered, vigorously rubbing his palms together as if to ground himself.
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"One moment I was sleeping soundly, and the next, this bizarre symbol just appeared out of nowhere and transported me to some mysterious room!"
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He nervously tapped the toe of his cloth shoe against the hard-packed earth, crimson eyes scanning the assembling crowd with thinly veiled trepidation.
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"My heart was racing the entire time," another disciple, shorter and sporting a rumpled topknot, chimed in with a tremulous voice.
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His hand visibly trembled as it clutched the fabric of his robe. "I thought it was all just some bizarre dream!"
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A young woman standing nearby pursed her lips, brow furrowed as she regarded her fearful peers. "At least we're back safely at the sect for now. But I can't help worrying about Liu Fei and the others who didn't return with us last night. Do you think they..."
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"Don't say it!" The lanky disciple cut her off sharply, shaking his head adamantly. "I'm sure they're fine. They're strong, capable disciples - they can definitely take care of themselves out there."
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"Still, it's very strange that only those of us above the age of seventeen were taken," a taller disciple mused, one hand stroking his clean-shaven chin as he calmly analyzed the situation despite the palpable tensions.
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"I overheard the Elders speculating that it might have something to do with that Hidden Sect faction you mentioned."
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The shorter disciple rolled his eyes derisively. "The Hidden Sect? Those sniveling cowards? I thought for sure that Unorthodox faction was behind all of this!"
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The gathered disciples continued to murmur and chatter, swapping tales of their individual experiences, some faces etched with fear while others were practically vibrating with reckless excitement at the prospect of danger.
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Ji Wuye observed the diverse array of attire among his peers, able to easily distinguish the Inner Disciples by their martial sect robes adorned with crisp dark purple stripes along the hems and sleeves.
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These elite few maintained a composed, aloof demeanor even in the midst of such chaos, observing the commotion with critical eyes.
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Among these disciples, those with dark blue stripes on their robes were mostly filled with youthful excitement and bravado, practically bouncing on the balls of their feet with eagerness.
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In contrast, those like Ji Wuye with aqua-colored striped robes appeared visibly shaken, eyes wide and knuckles pale from anxiously clenching their trembling hands.
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'Well, our strength can't even begin to compare to the Official Disciples or Inner Disciples,' Ji Wuye thought to himself with a inward sigh, absently toying with the aqua-striped hem of his own robe.
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The Official Disciples, characterized by their dark blue striped robes, were accomplished martial artists who had attained the 4th realm or above and received advanced Inner Art Pulse Cleansing Gongfa instruction to further elevate their skills.
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The prestigious Inner Disciples, on the other hand, were personally handpicked by the revered Elders themselves from among the most exceptional talents.
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Most had reached at least the 5th realm, with some even managing to break through to the immensely formidable Seventh Realm.
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The Elders themselves were said to have achieved the sublime 8th realm, while the venerable Patriarch alone stood at the pinnacle - the mythical 9th realm.
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A martial artist of the 9th realm was likened to an untouchable ruler of the world, with fewer than fifteen such experts existing across all of the sects and clans. Most had formed their own powerful factions or even entire royal lineages.
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Just as Ji Wuye was lost in his awed recollections regarding the uppermost echelons of power, a sudden thunderous clap abruptly shattered the tense atmosphere.
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BANG-!
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The subtle shockwave compelling the gathered disciples to fall into an uneasy silence as every head snapped towards the source of the disturbance.
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Chester was extremely close to being in Merseyside.
In 1969 the government published "The Royal Commission on Local Government in England". The report, which was researched and produced over 3 years and headed by Sir John Primatt Redcliffe-Maud, a civil servant, recommended putting the then Chester and Tarvin rural districts in Merseyside. Together they would have joined Wirral, Ellesmere Port and Neston, Frodsham, Helsby, Kingsley, Alvanley, Norley and Manley to form the "South Merseyside District."
*There wouldn't have been a Metropolitan County called Cheshire. The purpose of the report was to modernise English local government, meaning historic boundaries such as Cheshire and Lancashire would no longer be used for administrative purposes (but they would still exist for historical purposes). Historical Cheshire would have been split between Merseyside, Greater Manchester and the "Stoke and North Staffordshire" district for the new metropolitan boundaries.*
The report states "Whether to include Chester [In Merseyside] was a more difficult question. Chester has significant ties with Merseyside which have grown and seem certain to grow further; and we concluded that it should form part of the Merseyside metropolitan area. The expansion of Ellesmere Port has brought the bricks and mortar of the Merseyside conurbation to within three or four miles of Chester, which is increasingly popular both as a shopping centre for people living on south Merseyside and as a residential area for people working in the conurbation. In 1961, 1,700 Chester people worked on Merseyside of whom 1,360 worked in Ellesmere Port. By 1966, the numbers had risen to 2,570 and 1,990. Commuting from Merseyside to Chester rose over the same period from 1,670 to 1,820.
Chester is a city of distinction and individuality whose character should be preserved. But we do not consider that it could become the centre of a unit of its own. Chester's area of influence extends into north Wales and it has strong commuting links with Flintshire (3,220 Chester people worked in Flintshire in 1966). But Wales is outside our terms of reference and it is not possible to define an area, consisting of the city itself and territory in Cheshire, which would have sufficient size and coherence to form an effective unit of local government. We include in the metropolitan area the rural districts of Tarvin and Chester which come clearly under Chester’s influence".
Further the report states "The South Merseyside metropolitan district also includes Chester and nearby rural territory. As already mentioned in the general description of the Merseyside metropolitan area (unit 22), Chester is an important shopping centre used by many people in Ellesmere Port and the Wirral. There are also strong and growing employment links in both directions between Chester and Ellesmere Port. Despite Chester's special character, we consider that its future is bound up increasingly with the Wirral and with Merseyside as a whole."
Volume 2 of the report, "Memorandum of Dissent" by fellow civil servant Derek Senior, recommended Chester still be in Merseyside, but under a "Chester District". The district would have included the county borough of Chester, the borough of Ellesmere Port, the urban district of Neston, the rural districts of Chester, Tarvin,
Part of the rural district of Nantwich, namely the parishes of: Bickerton, Bulkeley, Cholmondeley, Egerton, Peckforton, Ridley, part of the rural district of Northwich, namely the parishes of: Delamere, Tarporley, Utkinton.
The then Labour government mostly accepted the reports proposals, with them being 100% in favour of the original Merseyside proposal, and promised to implement the report into law if they win the next election. However, even though Labour got the most votes, they still lost the election due to First Past the Post, and the victorious Conservative government led by Ted Heath massively scaled back the proposals, largely to appease rural Conservative Party councilors, which leads us to the present day.
Personally I find it fascinating that Chester never joined Merseyside due to the then ruling party who accepted the proposals, losing the election with the most votes. Basically a technicality. Jesus Christ what are the chances?
Chester people, what are your honest thoughts, are you glad the proposals never became law, or do you think Chester would have been better off in the Greater Liverpool county?
P.S. As a scouser I love the reports proposals. I've always found it strange that Ellesmere Port wasn't in Merseyside, and to an extent Chester.

TLDR my (31f) parents (57) are getting divorced after an affair and it’s bringing up all sorts of old wounds up for me
TW abuse
I’m a 31 year old woman who had an abusive childhood. The first time my father hit me I was 4 or 5 - because I had mistaken the scripture in my religious studies. The next time was a year later, because I had made a mistake during prayer. I’m sure both times I was anxious because of his anger and I fumbled due to that because I practiced like crazy all day long for both of those with my grandma and I was perfect at it.
Before that he had apparently hit my mother 3 times.. once was because he checked out another woman and my mother said she didnt like it. He was ashamed of himself for hitting her, said he wasn’t sure why he did it and kept apologising but after that he just moved on to abuse me instead.
Since then he’s hit me several more times in addition to psychological abuse (told his friend he hits me once a year really badly so he can keep me in line by tormenting me the rest of the year), emotional abuse (got made fun of a lot - for not knowing how to wash dishes because no one taught me, for being ugly, etc) and was constantly made to have no autonomy (he controlled what I could and could not wear, what media I could consume, etc).
My father apparently has had a decade long affair which my mom now found out about and is filing for separation. Clearly a trauma bond between them because sometimes she says she’s going to divorce sometimes she says she’s going to stay separated so he can’t marry the other woman. Sometimes he’s the worst, sometimes it’s not that bad. I tried helping her see the full picture but she keeps saying things like she wants him to see her new place so he can see what she’s capable of on her own (needing validation from him?) that she loves hearing him cry because of how much he made us cry, etc. so she’s maintaining some form of relationship with him. She says it’s on her terms but she’s vulnerable all the time and he keeps telling her to get back with him.
At the beginning of all of this I was livid with my father. He avoided me completely because he couldn’t face me. He never spoke to me about it or really anything. Then all my energy went towards getting my mom to see the trauma bond and to get away from him so she could heal but she kept going back and forth with it and it was affecting me so I set boundaries to just let her do what she wanted and not have anything to say about it.
Since I stopped focusing on my mother and more on myself I realized that I was livid at her too. She knew what was happening to me my entire life and she stayed with him. Him cheating on her was worse than the abuse - and even now she can’t break ties. She makes comments like “he got worse these last 10 years” but he stopped hitting me 10 years ago. She’s a delicate flower so I hold back but I’ve kind of mentioned it and she gets defensive about how she didn’t have any family support and relied on him financially so she could support her family. I’m glad she was able to support her family over the years but I can’t help but be resentful that I was the sacrifice for that to happen. I was his anger-issue punching bag that allowed him to blow off steam when he was stressed at work to allow him to make money to provide for the family. I was the scapegoat.
I understand she was a victim. They’re religious so dating before marriage doesn’t happen, they’re each others firsts. Her family basically told her it’s time to get married pick someone. They didn’t like him so she felt like she didn’t want to tell them they were right about him. I dated multiple people, even though I wasn’t allowed to. I moved out and was the family shame for going my own way. I got therapy. Had several toxic relationships. Healed a lot (until this shit reopened old wounds), and found an incredible partner 2 years ago. We’re both growth centred individuals, we go to therapy separately and together. We have our own traumas but we take responsibility for how we show up.
Now as I am starting to plan having a child of my own, I can’t help but think how it’s possible to witness your partner beat your child and be okay with it. I watched my uncle manhandling my little cousin a decade ago and lost it on him. My mother and aunt yelled at me for being rude. How can someone sit with themselves witnessing this? I would never be able to live with watching my partner beat my kid even before I did any trauma work and therapy. I have so much anger and resentment towards my mother now and I can’t see how she’s much better than my father. Even if I couldn’t leave and support my child, I would make it my life’s mission to make an escape plan and get out to protect my child from further harm.
My father recently told my brother (22) to ask me to go to therapy with my father (we haven’t spoken since December). It’s likely a tactic to get brownie points with my mother and while initially I hated him (still do) for everything he’s done, I realise I still have a relationship with my mother despite her supporting my abuse.
How do I move on from the hurt they both caused me? Should I bother meeting with my father?

Following on from this other post earlier today What are your main reasons for using Obsidian
I'm wondering how are most people using their vault?
I work in digital transformation (reviewing business's old paper or rudimentary digital processes and then designing new digital models).
I've been using Obsidian for a number of months now and have found it's really boosted my productivity. I used to be quite scattered, primarily relying on my own memory and random paper notes.
However, I've started documenting everything in Obsidian and just feel so much more on top of things than I used to.
How I use it though? Really just notes, daily notes and tasks. I have a nice daily note template that shows my overdue, due today, and due within 10 days tasks in a nice collapsible colour coded callout.
I have some folders:
• Resources (for PDFs),
• People,
• Conferences/Events,
• Daily Notes (folder where they're all saved)
• Meetings (I have a meeting template note where I record minutes of all meetings I attend)
The rest of my notes then are folderless. I create a new note for every idea, or topic, or substantial task that crops up.
I don't use tags, except for classifying the status of a task (#backlog etc)
I am quick to create [[links]] within notes and link them from one to another with this. And this is how I tie things together, I suppose I am still relying on my own brain for these links?
But I wonder now, a few months in, with more notes than I can count, will this approach soon become unwieldy? I am slightly reluctant to start using tags because I don't want to have too many that they are hard to remember, or too little that they are too general. And finding a balance may require too much time tweaking my notes to make them fit.
I use canvas for quick flow charts that I want to sketch and share with colleagues. I have my own Kanban board setup through Cardboard. I use Omnivore for online articles I want to pull in and annotate.
Overall, I think I like writing notes and getting the nice satisfaction that I've actually written things down rather than just trying to remember everything. It makes it easier to switch off after work. It also makes me excited to get back to my Vault each morning - an Obsidian nerd!

TL;DR My Gf of six years dumped me after a ten minute conversation after work where she said she had been unhappy for months (despite never telling me), refused to let me get a word in, and said there was nothing that I could do to fix things.
My GF dumped me right after work one night, right on the day before our six year anniversary. It all started after we got home and she grabbed a folder full of information about the car we got from the dealership when we took out the loan for it. I asked her what she needed it for and she told me to trust her and that she just wanted to look at it. When we got into the house I once again asked her if there was anything wrong with the car because we took out a $28k loan which is a huge investment for the two of us, so I told her if there was anything wrong with the car, I would like to know about it. That's when she dropped the bombshell that she was looking to see how to get off of the car title because she had been unhappy with our relationship for nearly six months and she was breaking up with me. We had never had any real discussion about our relationship, and if she would have said that she was ever unhappy I would have listened to and worked with her to try to fix things. Instead, she said there was nothing that could be done to fix things and that she was going to leave that night.
It all started back in the middle of November when we were visiting her family that live three hours away. Her, her mother and I were in the kitchen when she had told her mother that we were going to be there on Christmas no matter what, to which I said not if there is another snow storm because I would rather not get stuck on a nearly 200-mile highway with no service. Her mother said that was fair and that we should consider our safety before visiting, but my GF didn't see it the same way. Later that night, she had pulled me aside and told me she did not appreciate me saying that in front of her mother and said that I should have brought that up privately with just her. I apologized and within a minute of her bringing this up to me, we were done with it and were back to whatever we were doing before. We did end up going to Christmas without incident so I didn't think anything of it, but it was at that point she had become unhappy but never said anything to me.
We had a few "conversations" about a few other things over the next few months, and I use that word loosely because these conversations lasted about as long as it took us to tie our shoes and get into the car to drive to work. The first topic was her saying I was being too controlling of her money and that she would appreciate it if I were to back off. I'll start by saying I never took control of her money by either taking her cards or by accessing her bank account. What I had done on multiple occasions was question some of the things she was going to buy by asking her things such as whether or not we really needed something at that point in time, if we had room for whatever it was she wanted, and if there was a cheaper alternative we could be buying. I thought I was justified in asker her these questions because we have multiple things we both pay for such as car payments and insurance, apartment rent, etc. I was just trying to make sure we had enough money to pay for the things we needed to as well as enough to do things like visit family or do things on the weekend. If she were to do the same thing to me, I would have listened, but she never actually checked me like I did to her. I could have taken this as a sign, but after nearly six years at that point, I wasn't really on the lookout for any sort of hints that she was unhappy.
The second main thing she brought up was the fact we had become too complacent and we acted more like best friends instead of a couple. We had become too familiar with one another by the fact that after having a similar group of friends, similar interests, the same work schedule at the same place, and the same sense of humor. However, she had never once brought up the fact that she had began to feel this way, and again after nearly six years, I had no idea anything was wrong. She had also brought up the fact that I had not bought her any gifts for months, the last one being flowers I had bought her after valentines day. The reason it was afterwards was because I was looking for a particular bouquet that had yellow flowers that looked nice and wouldn't die within the day. This was made worse by the fact the day before I had found a good bouquet, she had mentioned to me that she wished I had bought her flowers on valentines day. Other than that, it had been months since I had bought her any sort of gift, but I can't remember the last time she had done the same for me. The closest thing to a gift I had done was put together a bathroom vanity/cabinet, a desk, and a gaming chair for her which we had paid for 50/50, but I was the one that put it together despite the fact I hardly used the chair and desk. The reason I hadn't bought much in the last few months was because I was planning on proposing to her this month being as it was our six year aniversery, and I was trying to save money so I could comfortabley afford to spend over $500 on a few things for her before popping the question. She had also throughout the months asked me if I was ever happy with our relationship, to which I always responded that I was and I would ask her the same, and she would also say she was happy and just wanted to know if I loved her. In hindsight I can see that this was her way of showing signs, but I hadn't noticed them and I had thought if something was wrong, she certainly would have told me.
Back to the night she dumped me, she hadn't actually told me these things until about a week after when I confronted her after work and asked her what I could do to fix things. She then finally told me what drove her to become unhappy and consider breaking up with me, but only after I started breaking down and sobbing, telling her I was sorry and that I was willing to do anything to fix things, as the night she left, she did so saying there was nothing that could be done on my part. The issue I have with that is that she never once gave me a real chance to fix anything. In the weeks since, she has told me that she thinks we can remain friends, but she doesn't want to talk things out and that she doesn't think I should have a second chance. I just don't understand why she never tried to have a real conversation with me because if she had said she was unhappy at any point, I would have talked to her to figure things out. I am planning to wait for a few months before asking her if I could have a second chance as I am still in love with her, but she has been planning on leaving for months so she is already months into the break up while I am only three weeks in. I am good friends with her family, and the husband of her sister who she is living with now has mentioned that every now and then he can hear he crying/sobbing for upwards of an hour in the guest room she is living in. Could this be some sign that she is still considering getting back together? Was I such an AH for not noticing that there were real issues with our relationship?

"... for Moll to hear. [...] "'Mirrors' is an episode whose parts are unfortunately greater than their whole: three stories that each needed to be told for the season to progress, but which all feel like a bit of an afterthought when combined together. Instead of loose threads woven into the tapestry of the season, they’ve been tied together and knotted off to prevent future unraveling. A functional repair, but also a conspicuous one. [...]
Claire Little (TrekCore)
Link:
https://blog.trekcore.com/2024/04/star-trek-discovery-review-mirrors/
Quotes/Excerpts:
"[...] And aside from some brief storytelling about Mirror Saru’s role as a rebel leader, that’s about it for the Terran Empire of it all. Star Trek: Discovery has spent plenty of time in and around the Mirror Universe already, and I personally don’t think they need to revisit it again. But introducing the ISS Enterprise — the ship that started it all with The Original Series’ “Mirror, Mirror” — and then not doing anything momentous with it? Strange decision, and one that makes it ultimately feel more like this was a way for the show to get to reuse a set on the cheap than it does a materially significant addition to the episode.
In fact, in some ways it’s actually a detriment to the episode. If the action had been set on any other ship it would have been fine, but being on the ISS Enterprise I kept expecting something — like seeing Paul Wesley as Mirror Kirk slinking around, or finding Anson Mount camping it up as Mirror Pike in a personal log. If they’d set the action on a generic derelict ship, what we got wouldn’t have seemed like a let down. As it is though, I kept waiting for the other shoe to drop… and it simply never did.
Maybe in a subsequent episode, it’ll turn out that there’s an advantage in having an entire functional starship composed of atoms from another universe at Starfleet’s disposal — or to have a convenient collection of Constitution-class sets available for that Starfleet Academy show to borrow once in a while — but until that happens (if it even does) the use of the ISS Enterprise just seems like a name drop and a “We have to set the action somewhere, why not here?” instead of a significant use of the setting and the huge amount of lore and history that comes with it.
It’s like setting something aboard the Titanic without ever mentioning any icebergs.
[...]
Pairing off also gives Book the opportunity to continue his efforts to connect with Moll, and I have to say, I don’t think I’m a fan. Setting aside the portion of this that’s purely a strategic attempt to forge a connection with someone who is very to keen to kill him, my first reaction to the way Book talks to Moll about her father (and his mentor) was distaste.
I don’t think Book meant it this way, but the way he’s written in these scenes feels unpleasantly close to the “Well, he was a great guy to me, I never saw him do anything bad” response that’s sometimes made to accusations of misconduct. A person can be wonderful to some people in their life and terrible to others; both experiences are true for the people who received them, but they’re not mutually exclusive.
Book is preternaturally empathetic, and yet he doesn’t seem to see how continually assuring Moll that her father loved her is an act that’s both unwanted and actively painful for Moll to hear. I understand that Book is just trying to bring a sliver of comfort to Moll – but in the process he’s dismissing her own experiences of her father and his place in her life. Unless Moll asks him for this, it’s really none of Book’s business.
I suspect they’re setting up Moll’s character for a nice, cathartic arc where she comes to terms with her life, forgives her father, releases her past, whatever. And when that happens in real life that’s great — but it doesn’t always, and that’s okay too. If Moll never sees in her father the man Book saw in his mentor, it’s not a character failing. Discovery is really hammering home the theme of confronting one’s past in order to take control of one’s present and future, and I think it would be valuable if they included an example of a character learning to do the latter… without having to be okay with the former.
[...]
Rayner is learning that he needs to tone down his temperament just enough that he doesn’t come across as an actual asshole to this crew, and the crew is learning that his gruffness isn’t a sign of disrespect but simply a desire to cut to the chase and get to direct, actionable information with a minimum of fluff. There are shades of Nimoy’s Spock or Voyager-era Seven of Nine here, but couched within a distinctly different temperament, and it’s fascinating to watch. I’d love to have seen him interacting with the crew of the Antares, where he presumably felt more comfortable.[...]
Again, Discovery is back to its old self with the clunky, heavy-handed, and oddly paced character work. Rayner goes from having zero cultural touchstones to having about five in the span of the 15-20 minutes of screentime that his story gets this week. They’re good touchstones, don’t get me wrong — I’m skeptical of Kellerun citrus mash, I have to be honest, but I’d give it a try; not so sure about boiling a cake though — they’re just very present.
As with Rayner’s alienness, the frequent flashbacks throughout the episode to Moll and L’ak’s meeting and courtship feel like a “We forgot to explain this and now we’re trying to reference it!” correction. The content of the flashbacks is fine, there’s a lot of interesting Breen worldbuilding for a species that’s been mysterious from the start — and watching Moll and L’ak’s relationship grow from one of mutual convenience to one of true love is genuinely moving. But the way it’s woven into an episode that, again, feels like it’s composed of bits and pieces of storyline, makes it hard to shake the sense that I was watching a To Do list get checked off.
[...]"
Full Review (TrekCore):
https://blog.trekcore.com/2024/04/star-trek-discovery-review-mirrors/

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I’m trapped. I can hear that thing lumbering through the hallway. My God, what the hell is it?The soft scratching of my pencil sounds deafening in the quiet of this tiny closet. I’m almost certainly gonna die in this place. I just hope someone can find this, maybe it will do some good. Or maybe it already doesn’t matter. I’m not sure how long I have until that wheezing thing finds me. Oh Jesus, or that grey stuff might ooze under the door and dissolve me. Oh my God! What it did to Benny, Sammy, Jonesy and Donald! To all of them! Even if I don’t survive, the world needs to be warned!
Long story short, I was a cop but I got shot in the head. The doctors said I was lucky, that it went straight through without hitting anything vital. However, I still needed three steel plates to hold my skull together. Also ended up with permanent tremors in my right hand and a nasty scar just under my eye. So, it’s no surprise that my cop career didn’t thrive. Just a year later I was a “retired” 45-year-old cop, living off scraps. After a few months, I started to get desperate for work. One evening while out with my friend, Graham, he mentioned something about some private research institute in the Mojave Desert. “What, are they still blowing A-bombs out there?” I scoffed, eyebrows arched with bemused incredulity. Graham stared down at his beer, “Not sure what the hell they do. But they pay super well, so who cares,” he took a long sip of beer, foam clinging to his lips, “I think it would be a good fit for you”.
Turns out this facility, and it really is known as the “Facility”, was located in the middle of nowhere. When I looked it up I couldn’t find any information at all. Later that week I called the number that Graham had scrawled down for me on a beer stained napkin. My right hand wasn’t good with delicate tasks so when I dialed the number I had to use my left hand. The phone rang twice before a metallic voice answered and said to hold for an operator. After a few seconds of muted elevator music, I spoke to a soft voiced woman who told me my skill set was perfect for their current vacancy: a security management position. Her voice was soothing, “Your credentials are excellent. If you like I can fax some forms and a draft contract over, and we can pay for you to fly on up to see us in person. I’m certain you’ll get offered the job.”
She was right. One flight and several NDAs later, I was employed again! By the time I started my new job I realized I had no idea what research went on down here. During the interviews my duties as a security manager had been discussed but any mention of their actual research interests had been carefully omitted. On my first day I asked others about the nature of the Facility’s research, but no one had any interest. “Just stick to your contract. No point in rockin’ the boat,” my new boss, Sammy, said to me curtly. I’ve not discussed it since.
The part of the Facility which I managed was section B.15. This area was located several hundred feet below the sun scorched surface of the Mojave Desert. It comprised many green corridors peppered with tall wide doors made from dark, stainless steel. The rooms inside were large and sterile. Of course, whether or not we wanted to know the nature of the research, after patrolling some of the research labs for weeks, it wasn’t hard to figure out that the scientists were mostly archeologists. Or maybe paleontologists. I often found different objects lying around in various states of cleanliness. Some looked like ancient amphoras, or large stone bird baths or even fossilized remains. Others were less identifiable: a melted lump of some glimmering metal or large chunks of a glass-like material. I found this all extremely curious because, as far as I knew, the Mojave Desert didn’t have much in the way of ancient architecture. At least of any ancient civilization that I know.
As the months went by I started to get friendly with the other guards, most of them ex-cops too, and we played cards and drank Irish coffee in the evenings. My two main colleagues consisted of a jovial, short man with orange hair named Jonesy and a much older much grumpier and much balder man, Donald. They were good men and we had a lot of laughs together. My stomach twists when I think about where they are now. Though I grew fonder of my fellow guards, I found myself developing a severe dislike for the researchers. Most of them were mean and arrogant. The only scientist my security buddies liked was a scrawny guy named Benny. Our favorite thing about Benny was that he never talked about his work.
It was earlier, at 1400h, when all the scientists were running from their rooms. They must have received some message a few minutes before and we watched them from the surveillance monitors as they got all excited, their lab coats flapping and flowing as they made for the stairs. Soon after this, the large red landline phone near my desk began to ring. Expecting the call, I picked up the receiver before the first ring finished, “Hey boss, what’s all the excitement about?” Sammy’s voice was uncharacteristically anxious, “The diggers have found a friggin’ huge object out here! The biggest thing they’ve ever dug up. They want to bring it to B.15 so I need you to organize the logistics and security”. My brow furrowed, “I guess it’s too big for the main entrance? Maybe we could bring it in via the big doors of the auxiliary hangar?” she grunted with agreement, “Yea, we’ll have to improvise a bit but should be manageable. I’ll get some of the boys from B.10 and B.14 to help you out.” I nodded, “Thanks, see you soon”
Donald, Jonesy, some interns and I had coffee in the office and called the guards at the hangar doors to arrange clearance. About an hour later we met the guards from B.10. and B.14, together we climbed the many stairs to the hangar and waited for the cargo to arrive. The massive metal hangar doors had been opened, which was rare. What was more irregular was that nearly every staff member from sections B.09 to B.18 were all gathered together in a silent knot of people. Despite the silence the air sizzled with anticipation, as well as the searing heat. I stood transfixed from curiosity, waiting in the shade of the doorway as the relentless sun beat down outside. I squinted. In the distance I saw a black speck grow larger against the bright blue sky. Slowly it took the form of a helicopter with an enormous rectangular shaped mass dangling below it.
Within less than a minute the helicopter made its cacophonous approach toward the hangar and gently lowered the object onto a wide wooden scaffold. I barked orders and signed forms as the guards rushed about. The air was blaring with the sound of helicopter blades and sand rocketed into my face, forcing me to splutter. “Alright, let’s get this thing processed!” I yelled over the sound of the helicopter as its engines powered down. My colleagues and I wiped dirt from our faces. Sammy emerged swiftly from the chopper and shook my hand. Her hair was in its characteristic librarian-bun but her eyes were glassy. Had she been drinking? We quickly reviewed the paper work she gave me and then she made her way back downstairs to her office in section B.1. She was keen to get away for some reason.
As my colleagues cleared away most of the staff and the excitement died down I was finally able to take a moment to inspect the object. It had been lowered onto a wooden scaffold fitted with wheels and had been pushed slowly into the center of the hangar. The few aircraft in this hangar were all currently under repairs, leaving plenty of space for the object.
The object was a wall. It was rectangular and about twenty-five feet long, ten feet thick and twelve feet high. The wall first appeared made from boring grey stone. I even remember thinking, “It’s not even that big”. However, when I looked closer it was, alive. I barely noticed the helicopter take off and leave as I saw the wall’s surface bubble. The hangar doors began to close as the hairs on the back of my neck stood on end. A bead of sweat ran down my cheek and I thought I heard something. It sounded like someone far away calling my name. I felt a strange pressure around my head. A sudden invasive thought dug into my mind: throw yourself into the wall. I shuddered and held myself back despite the sudden strong desire. I heard the faint voice of Benny and crashed back to reality. My eyes snapped open and I found my nose an inch away from the wall. It radiated cold like an open freezer and it smelled like rotten clay. The surface of the wall simmered ever so slightly. It reminded me of the fizz of some grey effervescent medicine. I paled as I took a large step backward, “I.. uh, what is this?” I turned to face Benny who stood with another scientist. He glanced at her briefly before he approached the wall, “Honestly, we have no idea”.
I got Donald and Jonesy to help Benny transport the wall down to room 278B via the service elevator. Donald grumbled, “Guh, this thing smells like something my dog puked up”. Meanwhile Jonesy stared with eyes as large as saucers, “It looks so cool!” Once downstairs, I told Donald and Jonesy to take some forms to the admin department and I returned alone to my office to get some more coffee and file away the rest of the paperwork. I tried to put the strangeness of the wall out of my mind, but it had truly unnerved me. I felt so tired. As I sat at my desk facing the surveillance monitors I was unable to fight the force fusing my eyelids together.
I’ve been hungover a lot, but when I woke up at my desk I’d never felt quite so singularlyawful. My clothes were soaked with sweat and my whole body felt exhausted. My arms felt like molasses. My forehead throbbed and I was bruised. I also felt a weird pressure squeezing my head from all sides. I sat back in my seat and rubbed my eyes.
Then I froze.
A hand was lying motionless on the floor just behind the table at the center of the room. I leapt to my feet and rushed forward. I gasped from horror as I saw Donald lying there, his chest sliced to ribbons. Gallons of dark scarlet stained his blue uniform. His eyes stared up empty and terrified. Pallid and shaking I ran to my landline to call for backup immediately. As the receiver met my ear my stomach dropped into my feet.
The line was dead.
I was so confused. We had lots of fail safes to ensure communication remained enabled, but the line was dead and there was no sign of any response. I rushed back to the monitors. The cameras were all operating normally. I started to breathe heavily. I couldn’t see anyone. The corridors were green and bare. I looked at the clock. It was 1817h. I had slept for about two hours. But where was everyone? Where were the janitors? My heart was hammering in my chest and my head was throbbing. My eyes narrowed with a sudden thought. Where was that wall?
I searched for the wall and found it was back in the hangar! It sat upon the bare ground right by the massive doors. However, the doors were sealed. The wall itself looked different. It was absolutely enormous! Just over two times longer and taller and wider. Just then, I realized that the titanium blast doors had been sealed as well. My heart rate doubled as I noticed large dents, scorch marks and scratches all over the doors. The hangar floor was covered in blood. My God, I even saw a rocket-launcher lying blackened and fractured near the doors. What the hell had happened?
I spun my head to look at the security panel on the wall to my left. My heart, already racing, felt like it leapt out of my mouth. My eyes grew wide as I realized Donald must have activated a quarantine procedure. This meant that the entire Facility would be sealed airtight. The only way to open any doors now was from the outside. My God! Why had he done this? Where was everyone? Did I really sleep through all this? Where was Jonesy? I looked back at Donald, my heart still racing from seeing his dead eyes stare into mine. I sighed sadly and glanced at the clock on the wall. It was now 1831h. I returned to the monitors and began to rewind the security footage.
Surveying the screens, I watched my past-self enter the security office at around 1600h. By 1610h I had passed-out on my chair, drool dangling from my mouth. “Ok, so let’s see where the wall was at that time. Should be room 278B.” I thought to myself aloud as I clicked on the button that displayed the footage of room 278B and the surrounding corridors. The screens were black as the footage loaded and I was about to hit the play button but hesitated. Did I really want to see this? I closed my eyes and took a few slow breaths. I have to know. I hit play.
The camera was located opposite the door giving a full view of the room. At first everything was normal. It was 1623h when they were unstrapping the wall. A loud popping sound was heard and the researchers spun around. The lights in the room dimmed and flickered. Suddenly something long and slimy exploded from the flesh of the wall. It wrapped around Benny and pulled him in. He screamed in terror as he vanished, his cries immediately silenced.
Without realizing it I was instantly on my feet, shaking my head in pure denial. My heart burst. What the hell was that? What the hell? What the hell? My head was full of static. I felt tears in my eyes as I watched guards and researchers rush into the room. The wall shimmered, it’s simmering surface began to boil and bubble and it grew a few inches higher. I saw it reshape itself so that intricately carved figures appeared on the wall’s edge. I leant in closer and gasped. One of those figures looked just like Benny, his mouth stretched into a permanent scream. The guards and researchers were horrified by what they saw. Suddenly, without warning, their body postures relaxed, their eyes grew glassy, and their arms fell slack at their sides. Those within the room moved as if sleepwalking. Some stayed still while others left the room. Brow furrowed from confusion and fear, my eyes swiveled to the footage of the corridors outside. The guards and researchers that had just exited 278B immediately began attacking and grappling those around them. I yelped as a vacant-eyed guard lazily shot another man in the leg. The thrall then dragged the wounded guard into room 278B. The mad guard held the wounded guard’s leg fast as he casually walked into the grey wall, pulling the struggling man in behind him. During this altercation I noticed Donald, he was hiding behind the corner of the corridor at the far end and was firing his gun at the thralls. He didn’t manage to hit anyone though. He then ran over to help a stray research intern to her feet and then they both ran down the corridor and out of view.
I could still hear the pleas for mercy as those who fell victim to the thralls were dragged into that horrifying wall. With every person it swallowed, the wall wriggled and grew. More ghastly decorations began to bloom on its surface, all of them made from the bones or likenesses of those absorbed. The bigger it got the stronger its psychic influence became until it reached everyone in the Facility. I looked on in horror as one by one, all janitors, researchers, guards, diggers, admin staff, everyone stopped what they were doing, mid conversation, their eyes emptying. The janitors dropped their mops and buckets. Researchers dropped precious materials and equipment without care, letting them smash to pieces. In unison, with vacant expressions, they moved toward room 278B. Among the horde of thralls, I saw Sammy and Jonesy, and so many others I knew. A guy who’d held the door for me once, a researcher who always slurped her coffee at lunch. Hundreds of people! What filled me with an unnamable dread was that I knew what was gonna happen. I knew what was coming. I tried to shout at the monitors, “Stop! Wait!” I grabbed the monitors and shook them with frustration.
A terror began to fill my stomach, deep and cold and aching. Suddenly I noticed Donald reappear on the screen. He was trying to hold back the intern he’d helped earlier, but it was useless. I saw Donald stare with incredulity as he sat defeated on the ground. Everyone else around him stumbled dreamily toward their doom. But Donald refused to give up. I saw him run from corridor to corridor, trying desperately to stop them. He threw chairs and tables in their way but they simply pushed them aside or jumped over them. I saw him run toward this office. I saw him enter, saw myself slumped on my chair still completely unconscious. I saw Donald try to shake me awake, he slapped me a few times and was yelling in frustration. He gave up with me eventually and ran over to activate the quarantine lockdown. I saw him tear down the hall back toward room 278B, pistol in hand.
As soon as Donald got close to 278B a long pale tendril burst through the door directly into his chest. The tentacle had a hooked end and it slashed him. I saw blood spurt out of him, saw him stumble and fall to the ground. However, he still managed to get a hold of his gun and fired multiple shots at the tendril. It writhed and flailed. Donald took this opportunity to climb to his feet. He grimaced and clasped his chest as crimson leaked to the floor. He moved back down the corridor. Eventually he got back to the office. He locked the door and, still fumbling with his keys, attempted to open the ammunitions cupboard. Before he could find the right key, he cursed and then collapsed. I cried out in frustration. That whole time I was completely useless!
My mind felt like static again for a few seconds. I couldn’t work out what my next move should be. A thought hit me hard. Why had Donald and I not been psychically affected by the wall? Everyone had been enslaved. Why not Donald? And me? My eyebrows shot up into my receding hairline with sudden realization. “Shit, the steel plates in my head!” And Donald had a steel plate in his skull too because of a rock-climbing accident he had in his 20s. When I got close to the wall, had it sensed my resistance? Had it tried to incapacitate me? If so, it meant the thing possesses sentience.
While I pondered this, I noticed some thralls re-strap the wall in room 278B. They transported it to the elevator and back up to the hangar. Once there, the thralls moved the wall off the scaffold onto the floor and began to beat heavily on the large metal doors with bare fists. Some even shot at the doors with their handguns. The ricochets killed a few of them but not one single person even noticed. Some of the guards even used a rocket launcher! I yelled with shock as they fired at deadly close range, lazily blowing themselves up, leaving the doors scorched. After this proved futile, the thralls all grew rigid. Next, they all formed a line in front of the wall and one shambling step after another, all the remaining employees were - assimilated. Even the dead and wounded were not spared. Those still alive carried the corpses of their fellow thralls into the wall.
It was 1735h when the last employee disappeared forever into the grey horror, and the wall expanded to its current size. Without warning, a large mass of twisted limbs emerged from the wall. I gasped from horror. Its silhouette was about seven feet tall and thin and stretched. It had too many legs and it didn’t appear to have a head. This thing lumbered over to the doors and began to strike them with a strength and ferocity found only in a starving polar bear. I could tell that the doors were taking strain, and they began to bend, but even then, they did not yield. After just over half an hour of smashing the door, the creature stopped and slowly shambled toward the stairs. My heart froze. It was coming here! Or was it here already? I sat still for a moment and tried not to lose my mind completely. I swear I could hear Woody the woodpecker laughing somewhere in the distance. I needed to keep it together. I took a long deep breath and tried to think of a way out.
Summarizing the details of my predicament, I realized I was trapped alone inside the Facility with an otherworldly force. Also, even if I found a way out, I’d potentially be letting an evil into the world that could destroy all life. My eyes grew even wider and I grabbed at my hair, “But my God, if this thing gets out. If it gets into the minds of other people. If it gets larger and larger. Could it swallow the world?” I was talking aloud now; the sound of my voice gave a new clarity to my situation that made me shudder. I turned back to the monitor. It seems I was all caught up. I stared blankly into the screen while I watched my past-self wake and wince from pain. I switched the monitor off and saw my reflection in the blackness of the screen. I was pale and my eyes were sunken and unblinking. “What do I do now?” I turned in my chair to look at Donald’s body. “Poor Donald, he didn’t deserve this”, I muttered softly. My eyes moved from his body up to the ammunition’s cupboard just above. “Wait, was he trying to get into the cupboard earlier?”, I gasped with realization. “Holy crap, he was trying to get the bomb! Me and Donald were gonna use a left-over bomb from the excavation site to blow some random shit up!”
I stood up quickly and walked up to the cupboard. I opened the cupboard with little effort and found the twenty pounds of plastic explosive inside. It had already been set up with a sixty second timer and a remote detonator. I sat at the table with the explosive, a vague plan forming in my broken mind. “Maybe if I somehow get this wall-thing to eat this bomb then...”
Before I could formulate my thoughts fully, the lights flickered, and the entire Facility was plunged into darkness unceremoniously. My nerves burned with fear. What had happened? Had that thing knocked the power out somehow? The next few seconds that past were the longest I’d ever experienced. Eventually dim green light bloomed to life and the reserve power kicked in. Then I heard slow, shuffling footsteps in the corridor just outside the office. I froze once again, my insides turning to mush. My mind raced. Had I remembered to lock the door? My stomach leapt into my feet as I heard the shuffling get louder and louder. I heard hoarse, wheezing breaths, as if the thing struggled to breathe. I jumped from fright but remained absolutely silent as whatever the thing was banged on the door with a deafening blow.
BANG!
The door shook and bent slightly.
BANG!
Silence.
BANG!
My heart was hammering in my ears and I sat deathly still. I could hear that thing breathing louder. After a few moments I heard it shuffle away. My entire body was shaking as relief washed over me. I turned to look at the screens. Dare I turn them on and check what it was? After a few seconds I turned to the monitors and switched them on. I waited in nervous anticipation as they flickered to life showing me that all the corridors between me and the wall were currently empty. I didn’t bother checking the corridor I suspected the shambling thingwas in. I didn’t want to see it unless I needed to. I’d had just about all the stress and terror I could take and by this stage I felt weirdly calm. It must be shock. A thin sigh escaped me as I stood. The fear in my blood began to feed a furnace of anger in my heart. I thought about all those who I had lost. I felt my expression turn to granite, “It’s time to kill this thing.”
I opened the door slowly, my fully loaded gun in my good hand. Spare ammo along with the explosive and a sawed-off shotgun was stashed in my backpack, and the remote detonator was tied to my belt. I held a heavy-duty flashlight in my shaky right hand. I moved cautiously through the dark green corridors. I’d never thought of how creepy this place could be until this moment. Gooseflesh crept up my arms and neck as I continued. All I could hear were my soft footfalls and shallow anxious breaths. I cleared the corridors one by one until I made it to the stairs. I walked up the stairs carefully. I took one step. Then another. Slowly, I climbed. After many minutes, I was near the hangar. Then I heard the soft sound of crying.
Someone was crying. No. Many people were crying.
I stopped dead in my tracks. My entire body shook from the adrenaline surging through me. Once my head peeked over the top of the landing, I froze. The wall loomed gigantic before me. Its edges were now framed intricately with the skeletons of hundreds of people, all twisted and screaming in agony; tortured souls bound together. I could hear them all. They were all screaming. Screaming for me to join them. I felt that pressure squeeze against my skull tighter and tighter. I shook my head in defiance. “No! You bastard! NO! I will not join you!” All at once the moans and wails stopped. I suddenly found myself at the top of the stairs without knowing when I’d finished climbing them. “But you will” came the sound of hundreds of twisted voices fused into one. “We are them. We are all. We can be all. We will be all. All and all and more than all.”
A deafening blast came from the wall and slithering, tangled human limbs emerged. It had four legs and several arms. It looked like the bodies of eight or more people shuffled and glued into an otherworldly horror. Its multiple mouths screamed a high pitched roar that was pure torment, and its sharp pointed teeth gnashed and chomped. I only had a second to dodge. I leapt to the side and fired multiple shots at the thing’s center of mass. Its horrifying body of fused torsos wriggled and bled black ichor. It screamed with pain and jumped at me, grabbing my leg. It tossed me into the air and I slammed into the floor a few feet away. As I hit the ground I yelled in pain and heard something metallic smash. Before I could catch my breath, it was upon me again. From the ground I fired several shots at it. This made it jump away and scuttle down the stairs. I noticed immediately that the remote detonator had been smashed beyond repair. With the creature momentarily out of sight, I kneeled and took off my backpack as fast as I could. “Only one way then”, I said quietly as I pulled out the bomb and started the timer manually. I also got the shotgun out. I needed to do this now or never.
As the final shell clicked into place I heard a roar coming from the stairs. The thing was back. Before I could react, it leapt at me and knocked me to the ground. The bomb flew from my grasp. It bared down on me, grabbing at my throat ready to tear me apart. My reflexes saved me and I managed to use my shotgun to hold the thing at bay, but it was way too strong. Desperate, I kicked it hard in the chest and it let go. I used this moment to grab the bomb that lay behind me; only 37 seconds to go! Terrified and crazed, sweat pouring down my face, my mind in pieces, I rammed the bomb into one of the creature’s mouths and kicked it back again as hard as I could. I heard it yelp like a wounded dog and it lost its footing. It fell sideways and in that second, I took my shotgun and fired at it in the chest. The force of the close-range blast sent me flying. At the same time the creature was hurled back into the wall where it was enveloped quickly.
My head was fuzzy. I was dizzy and the wind had been knocked out of me. Was the bomb going to work? I felt something warm and wet drip into my ear and touched the side of my head. My fingertips came away soaked in blood. My head was spinning. With a foggy mind I grabbed my bag, collecting my weapons and flashlight. As I stood up I heard a low rumbling sound. The ground beneath my feet shook and for a moment I was confused. Then I looked up at the wall. Its surface was boiling like I’d never seen before. It was shaking and growing. I turned to run when suddenly there was a massive blast, and the entire wall exploded into hundreds of grey chunks. These rained down all around the hangar, smashing several aircrafts. The blast knocked me off my feet.
When I awoke I could see early morning light through the tiny cracks in the blast door. Where the wall had once been now stood a small blackened crater. I coughed and lifted my head to inspect the wall pieces and found that they – my mouth opened. They were melting. I watched in dumbfounded horror as the pieces began to merge, just like that scene from Terminator 2. It was rebuilding itself.
As I stood to run I heard a groan. My blood became ice.
I turned slowly in terror to find the shambling, wheezing monstrosity behind me. Like the creature I’d shot, this one seemed made from bits and pieces of human limbs knitted together randomly. This one had six legs which came out of its mouth, its head positioned within its torso where the bellybutton should be, and it wheezed in pain. I almost puked from fright but my feet were already carrying me away. I sprinted down the corridors, ignoring all the pain and fear and exhaustion and anger and frustration inside me. Without thinking, I leapt into the first janitor’s closet I found and locked the door. After catching my breath, I found this notepad and pencil, and have been writing this report in the sterile glow of my flashlight. Hopefully, I have left some useful information for anyone who may find this.
Now I lie in wait. What is that thing? If it can survive a bomb like that, what hope do we have? It’s no wall at all. It’s a membrane. An interface. Somewhere very different is pressing up against us. It has torn a small hole, and was now prying it open further.
So here I wait, hoping to be saved, but even as I write this I can hear that thing walking past the door. With a soft click I turn off my flashlight. I try not to breathe. I can hear the snuffling, it’s right outside!
Shit! Shit! I hear keys. The door is unlocking! How? How?
Oh God! The doorknob is turning...

I've had the Rogue's Rest, (Ancient faction split off from the Clans ancestors before the Sun Trail, focused on providing a home for Rogues and Loners without a purpose. A fellowship of lost souls brought together.) for quite somw time. I only recently have described their local Leadership. I don't even think anyones heard of this AU. But, maybe the OCs are interesting to some of ya! Enjoy.
The two leading heads of the Rogue's Rest factions centered around Clan Territory. Graham's faction resides north of Highstones, to the east of the Tribe of Rushing Water in forests north of the Sun Trail. Cobalt's faction is now more locally prevalent to the Lake Clans, seated in a forest grove north of what is now Skyclan's Camp. Though far enough to cat would ever stumble upon it accidentally.
Graham's faction had little contact with the Clans in any respect, though had frequent communication with their ancestors of the Sun Trail, an unexplored connection that is certainly at Graham's leisure to expose.
Graham, a personality type INFJ-A (Advocate), is a cat of unyielding virtues. Graham was born as a Loner under unknown parentship with his Sister, also unnamed by him. He has said his name was given in kindness, meaning nothing of who he is today. He knows not it's meaning, but if his parentship derived from Twoleg Housecats, it's possible it followed their definitions, even meaning Grand/Gray Home, a fitting reflection of his current standing nonetheless. Graham has only discussed his motivations and history with those within the Rogue's Rest, including Cobalt, who is a good friend to him. From shared accounts, Graham suffered the injustice of the world. His family was lowborn even among Loner standards, and an internal struggle was the least of their problems. Often abused and set upon by more violent and passionate cats. It would all come to a head the night he found his loving Sister violated on the rainy stones, breaking her spirit and ruining her sense of purpose in the world.
Graham witnessed his Sister's fall to earth, losing her charm and wit, no action or thought holy enough to block out the horror. Graham despaired for her immensely, seeing the morality of having something removed from you–forced into you against all your will, and being denied your vengeance.
Years of watching his own family, and unnoted similar lowborn families being defiled and hurt by cats with no reason to fear, to stop–he soon found himself losing his respect for the natural order. Life did not care who was cruel or kind. Punishment was not given by prayer or karma alone. Even karma needs a weapon to punish those who deserve it. If no one else would step up, he would.
Graham grew furious at the injustice of the world, seeing the evil at ease, and vowed to forever torment their kind. Graham has been admittedly traumatized into never forgetting the sickness of the world. He hardly grants himself a reprieve or rest, and rarely can be found enjoying a nice day or night. He is duty bound, determined, tempered by vengeance. He seeks to punish those who once went unpunished, to show them there will no longer be mercy. He is a brutally effective combatant, and in conflict, his methods serve to terrify and torment rather than straight efficiency. The cats he deems ill, rarely offend again, on the occasional instance where they keep their life.
In the Rogues Rest, he has risen to the head of their faction with military mind and stern, unwavering devotion. He loves his new family here, and respects them as kindly as ever. His stoic and cold nature is often reserved for enemies, though he still always bears it inside. He wishes the best for the Rogue's Rest, for they embody the principle he has sworn to protect, to serve and protect the lost and hurt of this world, to give guidance where there was none, to shine a light into any sad shadows. The Rogue's Rest is a beacon of promise for a new life to innocent and guilty cats alike to become something new.
Graham keeps the Rest's ancestral 'policy' of reforming even the worst cats, though his sense of vengeance often makes him more untrustworthy to such newcomers, he relents nevertheless and sets his bias aside, yet makes aptly sure these criminals prove they can be redeemed.
Cobalt's faction provides constant support and alliance with certain rogue units, including most notably, The Sisters, of which the Clans are aquatinted with. The Rogue's Rest had been notified almost immediately when the Clans first intruded on the Sister's Affairs. They were primed to defend them against the Clans if any plan went afoul. According to rumor, Squirrelflight of Thunderclan discovered and befriended Cobalt with their widely similar vigor and temperament, and may have settled some agreement that promised Squirrelflight would protect the Sisters. It was assured that if the Rest ever became involved between that War, the Clans would loose brutally.
Cobalt, a personality type ENTJ-A (Commander), is a lively, and horrifyingly wild She-Cat with a love for the theatrics, yet a remarkable drive for efficiency and future. Cobalt has a more conflicted mind than Graham, yet appears to expertly conceal it. To quote a wise mind among her faction, 'It should appear that Cobalt's history is a closely guarded and sensitive subject, yet at any time she will appear to hide certainly nothing, a complete open sky with hardly a regard to conceal anything one wishes to know. She keeps everything secret, yet hides nothing. Hardly a one understands who she really is, and in fairness, I am sure she no longer does either.'
Cobalt strives for a near perfection, a high work ethic, and absolutely adores the thrill of conflict and pressure. To quote her, 'A slow and steady life is positively bloody boring, and I have none of it.' Cobalt bears many scars, most of which proudly on display, actively damaging her once beautiful good looks, though Cobalt has a complete disregard for this notion. She has no interest or care in her appearance, saying she only minds the pain. 'If I don't gotta deal with the pain, power to it all, mate!' She sees them as marks of honor, and appears to hold no grudges. Though, when she does, they appear to be unforgivable–insinuating that insulting her is nigh impossible, though is severely reminded once the line has been crossed.
Cobalt has less fascination with moral ethics than Graham, and is more focused on the present, though she does maintain that ever seeking moral philosophy is the key to the Rogue's Rest ideology in reforming and providing for Rogues and Loners. Cobalt balances her own chaos with the knowledge and respect that sometimes, philosophy is the key to their civilization.
Cobalt follows her heart and intuition more than any sense of logic. She is wild and free, and will make friends with the most chaotic sort. Simultaneously, she prefers to keep her 'close friends list' quite short. Not from any degree of shy behavior or reluctance, but simply due to- 'If you're old as ! and you've got a short list of confidants, I conclude that you meticulously pick your mates that will wade through burning ! waters just to lick your fur the wrong way and piss you off! I love those ones. You got the entire roster of the bloody planet on your friends list? Tells me you're a little pushover with no creativity. Good heavens that generic gaggle of innocent bestie besties. Give me two or three absolute lunatics to raise hell with and I'm all set!'
Cobalt has a can-do mentality, and anything she sees fit to achieve, she shall. Cobalt protrays the same atmosphere around her smallest relationships. She is the type to insult absolutely everyone with no filter, yet means the best of them, and seems to actually dislike nearly no one.
Unlike most cats of her personality, Cobalt has a striking lack of Pride, Stubbornness, or impatience. Cobalt absolutely adores her faction of the Rogue's Rest, friends like Graham, and any cat who treats her honestly. She despises hand-holding and sugar coating. The more honest and true you are, the more she loves you. She functions the best, not around lesser cats, but ones that actually match her attitude and vigor, considering them, well, 'Not at all boring and a worthy investment of time.' Cobalt appears to share Graham's vision of freedom and peace for lost souls, which has led her to rise as head of the Rogue's Rest faction. She adores her fellow cat, and protects them fiercely. While she may be arrogant, having a great deal of personal investment, and followed her own opinion much stronger than others, she is firmly of the opinion that she follows what is best, which often is her own choices. Yet should another cat provide a wiser choice, she has no bitterness or jealousy to the topic, and actually appears to have great respect and joy for the matter, showing a sense of pride for the intelligence and wisdom of her faction family. She is far from stubborn, and wholeheartedly accepts criticism and outside views, as like Graham, she understands that the entire philosophy of the Rogue's Rest is providing a sanctuary for all walks of life to live in harmony. One cannot be tied to one idea or truth, or the Rest could never survive.
As for her backstory, it is widely unknown. Many cats suspect only based on what has been hinted at over her lifetime. It is suspected that Cobalt possibly holds a great deal of regret and lament for something in her life. Quite possibly she may have wronged someone she cared for, or was too timid to act, and someone paid the price. The oldest ones to know her seem to perceive that her wild and chaotic personality, is not necessarily a shield or false by any degree, yet appears to have been a sort of evolutionary construct to protect her. Cobalt likely shaped herself into the 'hard-ass' she is today out of necessity to protect herself in whatever flawed life she left behind. Whatever happened to Cobalt in her past, it appears to have simultaneously locked her completely down, and opened her completely up. A remarkable contradiction that places her in perpetual mystery, one she appears to find amusing, though many claim that–'The more chaotic the personality trait, the more pain it covers up. Or, more accurately, channels.'
Cobalt is determined to never make that same mistake again. It has shaped who she is. What that mistake was, is her secret. She may never share it with another living being, and if some accounts are to be believed... mayhaps she no longer knows herself.

I'm trying to find a CRM with the following criteria. If you've used one that fits this description, would love to hear your recommendation. (I tried a post in the CRM sub but got responses from providers with options that didn't match up, unfortunately.)
Right now, I use a combination of:

• Excel. One row = one lead.
• Emails from Gmail, sending one-to-one.
• Automated email series from MailChimp.
• Occasional mass email from MailChimp.

I track each contact's status in an Excel cell, but it doesn't include every conversation or message I send because I can't stay on top of all of that data. It's basically something like, "DATE Sent email from Gmail; DATE added to MailChimp automation; DATE stopped automation because received response".
So, I'm looking for something that will replace Excel and possibly MailChimp and that will tie things together. My goal is to simplify, not complicate, my process, so it needs to be as close to easy as updating an Excel field. Criteria:

• Price: $25 or less per month.
• Contact Limit: Unlimited or at least some high number so I won't have to keep cleaning out prospects.
• Gmail Integration: Tracks when I send a one-to-one email from Gmail. (I'm a little concerned about any option that would provide direct access to all of my email.) Ideally, I can stop the email automations if I want to send a personal email from Gmail.
• Email marketing integration: Synchronizes with MailChimp so I can add people to automations with one click in the CRM. Alternatively, I'd be open to replacing MailChimp if the replacement offers automation and up to 1,500 active subscribers as part of the price above.
• Custom Fields: I don't have a lot, but there are some fields and tagging that I'd need to sync with MailChimp to get those email automations to work.

Currently reviewing:

• Less Annoying CRM
• HubSpot
• Capsule CRM

Ruled out - Monday CRM - Eway - Nutshell - Pipedrive - Bonsai - AirTable
Thank you!

One session down on half of sleeve (splitting it up into two sections), attempting to remove full sleeve…. Or see how far I get. Already have fading of shading, and some line breaking up on the first pass of half of it 3 weeks ago. Second half will be hit in a week. So basically I’m going to be going every 4 weeks, but each section is only going to be hit every other time I go. I’m using picoway at removery. They only are targeting black right now. Reasons for removal: I basically had ADD when I picked out all these little pieces, and wanted everything in this sleeve, and got everything…. Too much going on…. And then I tried to tie it all together with background… did not work. There isn’t anything done poorly, but from a distance, it’s just sooooo much fine detailed small pieces you can’t tell what anything is. My first experience with getting half lasered was AMAZING, I do admit I have a high pain tolerance…. But it was absolutely way less pain than I ever thought. I used zero numbing cream, and only 60 seconds of ice. Zero aftercare, zero blisters, zero pain meds. My skin was not broken at all. My whole arm was red and swollen for about 72 hours,but not painful! Then slightly itchy for another 4-5 days. That’s it! The healing process of the actual tattoo was wayyyy worse than the aftercare from laser!

The astronomical growth of the Chinese economy in recent decades has reshaped global power dynamics, with an impressive 9% average yearly growth since 1978 (World Bank, 2023) sparking predictions of China surpassing the United States as the biggest economy measured by nominal GDP (BBC News, 2020), and has caused some to even posit that China will be able to rival the US in power (Tucker, 2023).
However, a more nuanced examination reveals complexities in China's economic development model and its intersection with foreign policy. This paper delves into the evolution of China's economic rise, emphasizing its high-savings, investment-led growth model and its profound global implications. The inherent connection as well as tension between China’s domestic economic policies and its foreign policy will be examined.

China’s economic rise and the development of its economy over time

To understand how China has managed to join the ranks of the most influential players in the global economy, and what consequences it has for its foreign policy, it is essential to understand its political economic development model. Additionally, for the argument of this paper it is important to understand how the Chinese economy fits into the global economic puzzle.

A short history of the Chinese development model

From an economic perspective, societies can improve standards of living in a number of ways: increasing employment, improving the efficiency of workers, or expanding production through investment in capital equipment. Crucially, all of these factors highlight the importance of investment for development (Klein, Pettis, p.68, 2020). When domestic production is running at maximum capacity, there are two major development models (often applied simultaneously) that economies can follow to pay for additional investment (Klein, Pettis, p.68, 2020): On the one hand there is the ‘high savings model’, which transfers resources from domestic consumers to businesses and the government who save more than they consume. This thereby creates a trade surplus because it raises domestic production relative to domestic demand (Klein, Pettis, p. 68, 2020). On the other hand, there is the high-wage model, which transfers resources from the rest of the world by raising imports relative to exports in an attempt to attract foreign investment by raising domestic demand, increasing the trade deficit (Klein, Pettis, p. 68, 2020).
Authoritarian political culture and high centralization made the high savings model a logical option for the CCP. From the 1990s onwards, the Chinese government started to transfer spending power from ordinary Chinese people in order to subsidize domestic investment and foreign consumption, which meant the high savings model would end up becoming the development model China pursues until this day (Klein, Pettis, p. 108, 2020). Even though household income would increase greatly due to the substantial economic growth that these investments generated, households consumed an increasingly smaller share of economic output as savings increased as a share of the economy (Klein, Pettis, p. 108, 2020).
China utilized several internal transfer mechanisms to supress consumption and increase savings which included: currency manipulation; regulatory measures such as expropriations; unfavourable lending conditions for consumers and favourable lending conditions for elites with political connections; and lastly, the hukou system which deprived internal migrant workers of social security (Klein, Pettis, pp. 108-112, 2020). As a result, the decrease in household spending relative to GDP during the 1990s and 2000s was significantly more pronounced than the increase in investment (Klein, Pettis, 2020, p. 108). This led to a significant surplus in the current account, amounting to around 10 percent of China's total economic output by 2007-8 (Klein, Pettis, 2020, p. 108).

Untenable numbers

Global investment on average represents 25% of GDP (World Bank, 2023), and even though it is normal for a developing economy to have a higher rate of investment, China’s investment share of GDP sits at an exceptional 43% (World Bank, 2023). With a GDP of almost $18 Trillion accounting for ~18% of the world’s economy (World Bank 2023), China’s economic imbalances have great implications for the world economy, and at the same time the state of the world economy has great implications for China.
In his recent blog, Michael Pettis (2023) argues that with a share of only 13% of global consumption while having a 32% share of global investment, the Chinese economy cannot sustainably grow at 4-5% with the same model as it currently follows. Pettis (2023) argues:
Every $1 of investment has required approximately $3 of consumption globally to sustain it during this century. In China, however, $1 of investment is balanced by only $1.30 of consumption. If the global relationship between consumption and investment held over the next decade, an increase in the Chinese share of global investment from 32 percent today to 38 percent in a decade would require that the rest of the world disinvest to accommodate China’s domestic imbalances. (Pettis, 2023)
The following sections will discuss how China’s increasingly aggressive foreign policy, in combination with changing geopolitical circumstances has made global disinvestment extremely unlikely.

The evolution of Chinese foreign policy over time

As explained previously, the Chinese rise as an important actor in the global system has been facilitated by foreign consumers who consume the excess production which underpaid Chinese workers cannot consume themselves. Hence, China has great interest in maintaining the current global liberal trade regime, from which it has greatly benefited following its accession to the WTO in 2001. Seeing as trading relations with Western countries are of paramount importance to China’s economic prospects under the current economic model it pursues, it should be in China’s interests to avoid antagonizing the West. This section will explain how the historical Chinese stance allowed or its rise within the international system, and why its current stance undermines its future.

Chinese foreign policy pre-Xi

For a long time, Chinese foreign policy had been led by a quote of Deng Xiaoping in reaction to the international backlash to the Tiananmen Square incident. Around this time, he told other CCP leaders that their reaction should be to “lengjing guancha, wenzhu zhenjiao, chenzhuo yingfu” (observe calmly, secure our position, cope with afairs calmly) (Chen, Wang, 2011, p. 5). The foreign policy debate in China would long centre around this stance, paraphrased as “Tao Guang Yang Hui” roughly translated as: “hide your strength and bide your time” or “hide capabilities and keep a low profile”[1] (Chen, Wang, 2011).
The relative low-profile of China meant that other great powers not only tolerated its rise in the global system, but they also increased their ties with China dramatically, Western companies poured into the Chinese market to take advantage both of cheap manufacturing (caused by aforementioned reforms and industrial policy) and the large Chinese market. Between 1980 and 2004, US-China trade rose from $5 billion to $231 billion (Council on Foreign Relations, 2017).
Another guiding principle in the Chinese rise within the international system was the supposed “peaceful development” of China, a concept where progress and expansion were based on the historical philosophy of the “Middle-Kingdom” in which a non-confrontational approach was valued highly (Stevens, 2014, p. 1). The peaceful development narrative has persisted until this day but has arguably been more of a soft power campaign as of late to counter the “China threat” discourse (zhongguo weixie, 中国威胁) (Sørensen, 2015, p. 8), which has taken hold among foreign powers. The “China threat” discourse refers to a narrative that frames China as a potential menace to global stability and established international norms. This discourse encompasses concerns related to China's military modernization, economic influence, territorial claims, and geopolitical ambitions. Wang Yi, currently the Chinese minister of foreign affairs, called this discourse an “outdated Cold-War mentality” which has “no place in the new era of globalization” (Wang, 2013). Crucially, Wang's statements along with the "China threat" discourse within China concerning globalization, demonstrate an acknowledgment of the adverse consequences stemming from China's assertive actions in the realm of foreign policy. Wang went on to reassure that “China would never seek hegemony in the world” (Wang, 2013).
However, sentiment within the Chinese government started shifting around the 2010s (Stevens, 2014, pp. 1-2). The combination of the great financial crisis in 2008 and the resource intensive US-led wars in Afghanistan and Iraq, combined with the symbolic achievement of holding the 2008 Beijing Olympics, made some government officials believe that the balance of power was shifting, and that China should be more assertive towards a declining US (Stevens, 2014, p. 1). This was not truly a dramatic shift, which was to come later, with a new leader taking the stage.

Chinese foreign policy after Xi

The ascension of Xi Jinping as Chinese leader has dramatically altered the way China interacts with the world. Bolstering development was no longer the only priority. A new moral objective inspired by the century of humiliation had entered the picture. Essentially, Xi Jinping has changed Chinese state identity within the international system. Under Xi Jinping, China no longer lay low and started to figuratively stand up, from 2013 the new guideline was to be “Fen Fa You Wei” (奋发有为, “striving for achievement”) (Sørensen, 2015), with the ultimate goal of achieving the “Chinese dream”.
The Chinese dream is inspired by historical revanchism, with the ultimate goal being the great “rejuvenation of the Chinese nation”, in which China regains its international status, rights and power (Sørensen, 2015, p. 10); reminiscing over times when China made the rules as hegemon within East-Asia. Essentially, Xi Jinping slowly and methodically started reconstructing Chinese state identity within the international system. This rhetoric has attracted negative attention in the Western media, seen as carrying sinister implications for the international order (Sørensen, 2015, p. 5). In 2017, Xi definitively departed from keeping a low profile. In his (im)famous “new era” speech at the commencement of the 19th party congress, Xi presented statements that appeared contradictory to Wang’s 2013 remarks. Xi asserted that Beijing would no longer shy away from world leadership and would aim to promote its model around the world: “It is time for us to take centre stage in the world and to make a greater contribution to humankind […] [China is] standing tall and firm in the east”. (Xi, 2017)

Chinese assertiveness antagonizes the world: The rediscovery of industrial policy, protectionism, and economic deterrence

Beyond long speeches and articulate rhetoric, Chinese assertiveness has manifested in such numerous ways that it is difficult to name every incident. The most prominent examples include its aggressive military posture in the Taiwan strait and the South China sea, where the Chinese military and coast guard have initiated numerous hostile encounters over the years. These encounters have prompted the EU and US to voice strong opposition to the PRC’s (People’s Republic of China) actions, with the US calling PRC actions “unlawful” (Reuters, 2023) and the EU “emphasising” that parties should “respect freedom of navigation” and settle disputes “through peaceful means in accordance with international law” (EEAS, 2021). However, more direct confrontations with Western powers have taken place in the economic realm. In 2005 Robert Zoellick, then Deputy Secretary of State of the United States urged the Chinese to become a “responsible stakeholder” within the system, as a result of Chinese hostile actions however, these hopes have been given up; the EU has labelled China a “systemic rival” (EEAS, 2023) and the Sino-American competition is no secret. The West is now changing its geo-economic policy according to the perceived “China threat” that Wang Yi (2013) was worried about.

Chinese economic coercion

Through its strategic use of industrial policy China has managed to forge several dependencies for the West, notably in the area of green energy, where it dominates the refining of rare earth minerals, the production of electric vehicles and batteries (Hárven, 2023). China has been abusing such dependencies through economic coercion (Cha, 2023). In a testimony to the US congress, Senior Vice president for Asia and Korea Chair at CSIS Victor Cha, perfectly articulates the consequences of Chinese economic coercion:
China’s economic coercion has become part and parcel of its foreign policy against many trading partners. Countries that interact with Taiwan, support democracy in Hong Kong, oppose genocide in Xinjiang or offend any other “core interests” of China face discriminatory, non-WTO-conforming sanctions and embargoes. Targets of this weaponization of trade since 2008 range widely. Eighteen Western and Asian countries, including Japan, Lithuania, Norway, and Australia, and over 123 private companies, including Walmart and the National Basketball Association, have been targeted precipitating tens of billions of dollars in economic damage. (Cha, 2023)
Cha (2023) went on to call on the United States and like-minded partners to consider a “collective resilience” strategy to deter China’s economic coercion. Even though Cha (2023) recognizes that most targets of coercion are asymmetrically dependent on China, he highlights that there are still a number of export items these countries possess on which the Chinese market is “highly dependent” and “in some cases almost 100% dependent”. If states come together to promise collective retaliation, Cha (2023) argues, it would be enough of a deterrence to Beijing to cease its aggressive behaviour.
In Europe too there has been a response to Chinese economic coercion, with the introduction of the Anti-Coercion Instrument, which went into force on the 27th of December 2023, providing the EU with means to deter and respond to economic coercion acting as a deterrent for future coercion by China (European Commission, 2023).

The rise of industrial policy and protectionist measures as a response to the fragmentation of the Liberal International Order

A more serious concern for China is the rise of industrial policy and protectionism in states that have until now acted as a sponge for excess Chinese production. Arguably, this is the most serious threat to the Chinese economic growth model. In the United States, the concept of economic decoupling from China, as advocated during President Trump's tenure, may have been an extreme interpretation of this viewpoint. However, the Biden administration has sustained and expanded specific policies aimed at reviewing critical supply chains, enhancing investment screening and export controls, and allocating substantial subsidies to national industries (Gehrke, 2022). In a similar vein, the European Union (EU) has also been actively pursuing strategic autonomy in response to the evolving landscape of global economic interdependence. A catalysing factor in the rise of European industrial policy has been the Russian invasion of Ukraine and the Chinese alignment with Russia in the conflict, leading some to say that this has been the starting point of a fragmentation of the Liberal International Order (Costa, Barbe, 2023, p. 2). There are strong signs that the dependence on China is viewed in Brussels in a similar vein as the one with Russia. This was signified by a statement by Ursula von der Leyen in the State of the Union of 2022: “Lithium and rare earths are already replacing gas and oil at the heart of our economy. [...] The not so good news is – one country dominates the market. So, we have to avoid falling into the same dependency as with oil and gas.” (Von der Leyen, 2022).
As a response to this dependence the Commission introduced the Critical Raw Materials Act (European Commission, 2023), which seeks to reduce EU dependence and was adopted last December. In addition, the EU is bolstering its industry through the Green Deal Industrial Plan and is seeking to apply tariffs to products which are produced with a lower environmental standard than within the EU through the Carbon Border Adjustment Mechanism (European Commission, 2023). Similarly, the United Kingdom, under Project Defence, is exploring ways to diminish dependence on key imports from China, while Japan has elevated its bureaucratic infrastructure to monitor new technology and economic security threats, including potential risks associated with foreign dependence (Gehrke, 2023). Additionally, India's economic and technology policy, encapsulated by the term "Atmanirbhar Bharat" (self-reliant India), has become a focal point under the Modi administration (Gehrke, 2023). ECB research from 2019 indicated that if trade tension were to escalate significantly in the future, global trade would decline significantly. Based on the previously mentioned policy initiatives, this scenario seems more likely than ever, with potentially severe implications for the Chinese economy.

Implications for China

As mentioned earlier in this paper, the rest of the world would have to disinvest to accommodate Chinese investment-led growth. Seeing the discussion above, this seems like an extremely unlikely outcome. Critics might argue that the CCP has been aware of the problems its internal imbalances generate, for it can simply choose to escape the investment-trap by sharply increasing consumption, which it is already attempting to do under its “Common Prosperity Policy” (Koty, 2022). However, here Michael Pettis’s (2023) calculations can assist with finding out whether this is manageable within a reasonable timeframe. Michael Pettis makes two optimistic assumptions regarding China's rebalancing process. Firstly, considering China's historical high investment levels and the recent surge in its debt-to-GDP ratio, Pettis (2023) suggests a sustainable investment share might be lower than the global average. However, for this analysis, Pettis (2023) assumes it can be as high as 33–34 percent. Despite being one-fourth below the current level, this would still make China the world's top investor for the next decade. Secondly, based on Pettis's (2023) perspective, there is an assumption that China has a decade to bring its investment share to a more sustainable level, with GDP growth outpacing investment growth, reducing the investment share by nearly 10 percentage points to 34 percent. However, to achieve such a transformation Pettis notes that GDP growth would have to outpace investment growth by 2-3 percent per year, which would in turn necessitate consumption to outgrow GDP by 2-3 percent per year.
Pettis (2023) notes that the above will be incredibly difficult to achieve, as slowing investment growth will require a painful transformation in which construction jobs are lost and household income growth would have to be accelerated drastically through either direct transfer in wages or indirectly through a more generous social safety net. The challenge with implementing transfers lies in the financial burden they pose, and only three sectors can viably shoulder this responsibility. The first sector that wealth could be transferred from is the affluent, who consume a much lower share of their income, but seeing the size of China’s population this would have a smaller impact on consumption than it would have in economies like that of the US (Pettis, 2023). Pettis (2023) argues that the business sector is also an unlikely candidate, as jeopardizing China’s manufacturing competitiveness will likely be difficult given the “vested interests” which have been shown to have a significant influence on CCP policymaking, with Le Keqiang once saying: “It is now more difficult to deal with vested interests than it is to touch the soul” (Spegele, 2013). The last option is the government, specifically local governments, since the central government has explicitly stated reluctance to bear the costs of adjustment (Pettis, 2023). According to Pettis (2023) it would technically be possible to do this, but seeing the limited room for choice the Chinese government has as explained above and the trickiness of reversing four decades of direct and indirect transfers from household savings into investment (Pettis 2023), Beijing might very well fail in this task which might lead to a global overproduction crisis, or it might resort to a softer foreign policy stance. There are signals that Beijing is attempting to rescue its foreign image by going on a charm offensive and softening its stance, with China’s controversial “wolf warrior diplomacy” falling out of fashion, with prominent “Wolf Warrior” Zhao Lijan being “banished” according to Foreign Policy (Palmer, 2023). Additionally, China is presenting itself as an international peacemaker, although it is unclear whether this is a true change in policy or simply a “cosmetic change” (Harper, 2023).

Conclusion

In conclusion, the interplay between China's economic trajectory and its foreign policy shapes a complex narrative that underscores how domestic policy can influence foreign policy and vice-versa. This paper highlights the inherent tension between the investment-based Chinese economy versus its assertive global posturing. Xi Jinping and the CCP have arguably hurt the PRC’s economic prospects by poor coordination between the political-economic and foreign policy domain.
The response of the West to Chinese economic coercion and the nascent disintegration of the liberal international order underscores the pervasive implications of China’s economic course. The implications for China are substantial, encompassing the formidable challenges associated with rebalancing its extremely unbalanced economy and contemplating potential adjustments in its foreign policy to address global reactions. As the international community grapples with the ramifications of China's ascendance, the CCP faces a critical juncture. The decisions forthcoming will not merely shape China's trajectory but will wield strong influence over broader global economic developments and geopolitics.
[1] Some Chinese officials like the former deputy chief of the PLA have argued that the phrase is more benign than it sounds, due to difficulties in translating the phrase to English. (Chen, Wang, 2011, p.9)

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i (29F) and my husband Luke (29M) together for 5 yrs before tying the knot. Within those 5 years i wasn't particularly close to his sister Cat (31F) but we have a friendly relationship.
we shared the news we arranged to elope, we're both introverts and didn't want the financial stress and drama that comes with a wed. Cat left crying, I asked FMIL if Cat was okay, she said "no, that was her special day and you took that away from her". I wasn't happy but thought maybe she wanted to celebrate us so we ended up having a second day including families.
Since Cat was upset i thought to include her in wed planning as MOH as it might bring our relationship closer. She accepted. My 3 best childhood friends are my bridesmaids.
small things started to crop up, she would pre-select our wedding menu before sending it to me.
i wanted to do pottery for my bachelorette, we ended up with pottery painting because she did pottery before and wasn't good at it.
a week before my bachelorette, Cat said I didn't need to dress up as everyone would know i'm the bride but showed up in a red satin puffy sleeves top with a long pink satin skirt with red hearts with everything done up. everyone thought she was the bride so she threw a tantrum (i wore a plain white dress with blue polkadots). she also complained "how buttercream and chocolate sponge disgusting" - that's my wedding cake.
i'm not confrontational and Cat knows this. she'll say things like "i'll have what she's having but i want more volume" - referring to my hairstyle and "if i dont alter my dress in time i'll just wear my other dress with flowers, it's basically the same" - her moh dress despite having 4 months to alter it.
a week before my wedding, she said she wanted 3 additional photos (2 excluding me), i said those are on family day but she insisted she wanted on mine and Lukes day since "it's her special day too". Luke and I agreed unless it was groomsmen or bridesmaid we both would be together in photos. Not to mention i wanted a photo with just my bridesmaids but didn't request it because i didn't want Cat to feel excluded.
wedding day, Cat wasn't there for me at all, she spent the all morning doing her own hair and makeup while my bridesmaids were trying to do mine. she only showed up when photographer (Jen) arrived. she didn't fix my dress/makeup/hair etc at all.
she asked Jen for some photos for just her and Luke. Jen said "of course today's all about you and your brother".
Cat's long speech, she sounded passive aggressive, she shared my dyslexia and then list 5 -10 words as examples, i felt like a laughing stock. described me as a maths genius, a "nerd". the nicest thing she said was i'm "kind and caring". my bridesmaids and family was shocked/offended for me and commented how the whole thing felt so fake.
now when i look at my photos i want to remove her from my team brides photos because it brings up negative feelings, plus i also want to delete the photos she requested.
WIBTA?

Buckle up dear potatoes and our T-rex Leader, I got so much tea that you'll need a truck full of cumpets !
TW : there's mention of bullying and other bad stuff.
Jesus in a bikini, where to start. Well, let's go that way, I used to be bullied in school, because I was large, not fat back then, just very squary because I always have been pretty muscular around the shoulder area (thank to years of swimming everyday of the week during vacations) I'm the shape of a wardrobe that did caused me some mockery about me not being feminine enough and when I met a friend a year younger than me, I had already chased away my bullies by kicking their buttsies (and never got in trouble for doing so, yey for me ! :D) and that poor child ? I knew she was going to have it hard :
She is a red head. Wearing glasses. Fairly little. With asthma so bad she had to go every lunch break in the director's office to breath in a machine.
That made her the perfect target for bullies of all ages and I wasn't going to let that happen. I stepped in, kicked some asses and kept her by my side like if she was my little sister. She said once that I was like her guard dog, and I felt flattered, cause I was happy to serve a purpose and prevent that girl to go through the same stuff as I did.
Time pass and I graduate, we lose contact for a moment because at the time, neither one of us had cellphones and I was forbiden by my toxic mother to meet any friends. That's a story for later.
She eventually joins me in high school a year later and we are both overjoyed to get to spend some time together as well. We both have our group of friend in our classes but since we are both staying in boarding school all week, we spend the rest of the evening together, every evenings. Since I grew older, my dad convinced my mom to let me spend time out with my friend every week end here and there and our friendship grows even stronger. I see her as my sister and I tell her that, she tells me the same.
But in about ten years of friendship, there is a LOT of things that I had let slide because I didn't saw it piled up and saw how bad it was. It had been set little by little. I was very protective of her, so she grew a huge sense of entlitement saying I would always come back to her if we fought because we're family. She was controlling a LOT of things in my life, using always the same leverage : if she get scared or stressed, she will "hyperventilate and may die". You will see later why this is between finger quotes.
There's this game, Undertale, that I like a lot, if you're in the fandom, you know there's lot of fan art and fan made song and stuff.
I couldn't have fan art of Sans the skeleton on my phone, laptop or in my bedroom : because it scares her.
I couldn't listen to music coming from the fandom : because that scares her.
I couldn't wear a t-shirt on which the friendly face of the skeleton was printed : because it scared her.
I couldn't talk a certain way, because she knew the language habit I had, I had caught it by writing a fanfic on the fandom, so i cannot do it either because it scares her.
Couldn't play some video games with her next to me because it scares her (it was tomb raider, very scary) she's a high schooler at that time mind you.
And later I found out she was playing zombie games with her boyfriend. I still fail to see the logic in that.
You name it, I had to change basicly everything and hide stuff cause it scared her. Meanwhile, since we seen each others in high school, we had started to write fanfics together, on DBZ. I had offered and she was so hyped by it. We were basicly doing the same kind of stories on repeat cause we were huge fan of the franchise. She was playing Piccolo and I was playing an OC I had created YEARS ago when I first started writing by the age of 11. But as the time passed, the characters she was playing HAD to always come on top of mine : they had to be the cleverest, strongest, most beautiful, most everything.
Mines just HAD to be inferior.
And when I pointed out certain things, like I had created my OC species to be very fertile and easily have baby to compensate the high risk of mortality among them (yeah it made sense to me back then) she got mad at me because she wanted her characters to have their babies the easiest ! So I had to basicly betray everything my character was to fit her tantrum and she would tell me "it's for the dramaaa come on i know you love it too !" and I was like "y-yeah..; sure"
She would usually demand often that I write lemons on my own, starring her character. (lemons are spicy scenes between characters) She didn't wanted to write them because she was too lazy and would say "but you write them so goooood~" and get whiny so I give in. But when I gave in she would yell at me I didn't respect her character because he placed his hand on a back instead of on a cheek, kissed with the tongue instead of with the lips, you name it. She wanted stuff writted for her, fitting her every demand to the T, but not paying for the comission....
Also she would mock one of my male characters by calling him a f*g because... He didn't want to fight. He's a pacifist, so to her, he's less than a man and a f*g.... She hated the plotwist in my original story that he saved the day because he refused to fight. Hated it.
She once said that she had all the ideas and that I was just good enough to write them.
Her "ideas" were direct plagia of the anime/book/movie she would watch. Like emerald knights, bleach, one piece, fairy tail, etc... And I couldn't call that out first cause I didn't read/watched those !
At the time, I had created many fanfictions and one over 600 pages along with the entire set of lore for my OC, I had wrote the language and how it was spoke, I had wrote it's history, basicly everything about it ! And I was proud of myself.
But I was just good enough to write HER ideas and betray my own characters so she could get a high vicariously through her's.
She had a weird sense of snobbism. Once, she was unhappy about a relationship she had, so I had drove two hours to pick her up and invite her to a Pataterie !
(All potatoes lover sit down for this one : it's a huge french franchise of restaurant FILLED on every dish by : potatoes. all kind of potatoes, mashed, fried, fries, into patties ALL is potatoe. Yes it's true, we can have an amen XD)
So I invite her to this Potatoe magic world to have a good dinner and talk, I pay for both of us. A few months later she want to go to a restaurant, but she doesn't want to pay for me, fair enough I pay for myself and it's a sort of sushi restaurant. She then says "You introduced me to redneck's food, I introduce you to elite high class food !"
... It was a sushi bar. And I won't lie, it was good, but it wasn't "elite". I rolled my eyes at least as hard as when she started bashing my phone for having shitty sound when she was used to better and clearer sound thanks to her gramophone and that I must have bad ears for tolerating such butchery...
And every fricking day, when I was telling that I was a bit unhappy, or sad, or just you know, grumpy, cause life happen. She would always turn it into a tear filled competition about who's life is the saddest, because she would undoutbly be the winner, mostly cause i refused to play. I don't like those unhealthy kind of game and I don't want a pity contest. Once I voiced this to her and she said "Heh, you don't play just because you know you're going to LOSE !"
I stopped and I dead stared at her "Your parents never abused you. You never were a victim of SA. You got health issue, of course it's bad and tragic, but stop thinking you're the only one that suffer. I was bullied as well but I had no one to protect me. The worst bullying you got was verbal, and it's bad, I got beaten up unconscious and got thrown ice in the face that splitted it open, among with the verbal ab*se. And you know what my mother said when i came home from school with spit and gums in my hair ? She said that I always bought her troubles and was such a disapointment to her."
And then again, I had to be the one conforting her because what I said hurted her. I didn't meant to hurt her, I wanted her to see my point that just because her suffering is more visible doesn't mean she's the only one that does.
She got a boyfriend for the first time in her life and she became UNBEARABLE, would throw dark stares at me when I would wave at her when her boyfriend is here. Would avoid me because she doesn't want me to "ashame her" by just... existing. They were together for a month when he suddenly ghosted her and stopped talking to her. And I was there when she called me every evening to complain about how sad she was and how terrible the situation was etc. It's at that time I got her to the Pataterie, to lift her spirits up. He came back from the ghosting and she wanted him back, I warned her that it MAY be a bad idea, cause he betrayed her trust and that she want it back very bad because he left. But she should give herself some time before taking him back cause she may not have forgave him and there is still trust that need to be rebuilt. I tell her that cause I made that mistake myself and I ended being the toxic beach of the relationship because I had not forgave my boyfriend for similar sh*t he pulled on me, didn't want that to happen to her. She told me :
"You relationship isn't as strong as ours."
I had been with my boyfriend for three years. She had been for a month. And even if it wasn't already a more matured relationship, what kind of c*nt says that ? I told her I was going back home because what she said was not okay and that I didn't wanted to talk to her for a moment, I had to process that BS. She came back crashing at my house demanding hugs because she couldn't bear me to be mad at her. And when I told her to give me space and get out, she told me "who do you think you are to throw me out ?!"
Yeah, in my own house.
But I didn't pilled up all of those hints before because they came gradually, little by little through the years. We had been "friends" for a dozen of years now and I loved her so dearly I was unconsciously spoiling her. But then, one evening, she told me something that made it all crash down.
She had faked the very first asthma crisis that got her tied to the machine when we met at school.
All this time she had been blaming a sickness and leveraging a sickness that had never been THAT bad. Now I don't know how bad it is, but the fact that she had lied about something so serious crushed me and every sense of love I had for her. I FINALLY picked every hint and red flag I told you about in this VERY LONG thread (sorry for the rant lol) and I cutted ties with her.
She told me she knew I would come back crawling at her because I was her "big sister" and I would always forgive her. When I was mad at her she would often use the "but you're my big sister" tactic to butter me up and make me forgive her.
I didn't do that.
Instead, I've erased everything we wrote from the google docs that I had the sole responsability of because she was too lazy to put in the effort to copy paste it from our phones. And I replaced all of the pages and removed her acces so she could only see it but not modify or regain access to what we had wrote. I then typed :
"I took all of my writings back since I don't do plagia and I don't want Tite Kubo (Bleach's creator) to sue me for "your ideas". I'll name a character after you in my next story but it won't have enough importance to be dealed with by the hero. Just like you don't have enough importance to me anymore to be dealed with. I will try to get it published, thanks for giving me so much matter to write about absolutly terrible people that do shitty things. I'll bring a toast to you when I reach success. Ciao"
And ended it with a nice middle finger emoji. And I intend to keep my promise if I ever get published, that will be the finale of my petty revenge. But I already know I live rent free in her head because she tried to contact me a few times since I cutted ties with her many years ago. I probably forgot a lot of stuff, but like I said, it was years ago ! Hope you enjoyed and the tea was matching your taste ! Billions of hugs everyone, living a good life is always the best petty revenge ! But I'd say, doing it with the middle finger lifted is a bonus.

My boyfriend (m43) and I (f25) have been together for 4 years, and our relationship is filled with deep love and mutual respect. However, my weight has fluctuated significantly during this time—I've gained, lost, and then regained 15 kg. I'm 162 cm tall and weighed 58 kg when we first met, but now I'm back up to 73 kg.My boyfriend has shared that my weight gain affects his physical attraction to me, and he encourages me to maintain a healthy weight—not necessarily thin, but not overweight either. This has been a challenging journey for me, especially since I've battled with using food as a coping mechanism. Before meeting him, I struggled with bulimia for seven years. With his support, I was able to lose the weight initially without resorting to unhealthy habits.He is incredibly supportive and loving, but I can't help feeling sexually rejected when I'm heavier, as he seems more attracted to me at my lower weight. I don't blame him, but it's tough to stay motivated about my weight. It took me ten months to lose 15 kg previously, and I often wonder if it's worth the effort if I might just gain it back. Additionally, part of me resists losing weight almost as a form of revenge, as it hurts to feel that my value in his eyes is so tied to my appearance. This makes me feel deeply hurt and sometimes leads to self-destructive thoughts since I feel not good enough for him.
TLDR: My relationship of four years is strained due to my weight fluctuations, impacting my boyfriend's attraction to me. Despite his support, I struggle with resentment and motivation due to past issues with bulimia and self-worth.