i have so much to say to you and im not carrying it into the new year and i dont want to text you on new years eve to say it so im going to say it now. i also know you aren't going to reply and I'm totally good with that because I dont want you to. Ok sigh
i realize that i obviously cared way more about you than you did for me and that's nobody's fault but mine for being naive and thinking you actually* cared for me when you explicitly said you did. all that talk about a connection that you hadn't had with anyone else kinda fucked me up- most people dont just go around saying things you said unless they actually mean it. Those kinds of words carry weight and yet you've shown me over and over again how empty they actually were to the point that it causes me physical pain especially after my brother died and you surfaced with yet even more heart wrenching things to say and its fucking with me in traumatic ways..like how could you do that after such a loss in my life? and after so many times of feeling like an idiot for saying hi or reaching out i finally understand that i was nothing more to you than another random hookup.
I realize that you say these things to every girl that you want to sleep with, to get in their head and then subsequently, their pants.
I did not want a relationship with you, I don't give a shit how you live your life. What I did want was a mutual respect and affection that wasn't heavy..something that could breathe. I thought I found that with you because you weren't about to try to lock anything down, and neither was I. I'm not ashamed to say these things and I dont care if it comes off as "crazy". the only thing that was crazy about all of this was me thinking you meant what came out of your mouth. I realize I cant be a "background friend" bc I cant shake it off very well when you ignore me and I simply dont want to feel like this anymore and I needed to get it out in the open. everyone has things going on they have to deal with but its still no excuse to neglect someone to such extremes, you can tell me you dont see my messages but I know you do. you dont even have the decency to acknowledge me and let me know you see me. do you understand how extremely hurtful that is ? Probably not. But I'm not here to cast judgment- that's God's job. I'm hurt and probably the most prominent feeling is embarrassment. and not embarrassed because of what any one else thinks but embarrassed at myself and how I allowed myself to keep reaching for scraps of your attention. I didn't even want to say any of this because I dont want the anxiety of knowing I said it but I owe it to myself to make these feelings clear whether you validate it or not.

Soooo I’m confused. The past few months I’ve been going through tests. I have high calprotectin, CT showed evidence of crohns, alllll the side effects, mouth sores, horrible joint pain, all that good stuff. We were about to start biologics, just waiting on insurance. But I just got an endoscopy. They found stomach erosion but no evidence of crohns in the biopsy. And something called villous blunting? So I have to do a celiac screening. Anybody else gone through this back and forth? Now I’m questioning everything

LONG POST WARNING
Hello everyone,
My partner (24F) and I (25M) returned home from our 3-week Japan trip last week and due to us using this sub a lot during our planning I thought it would be helpful for other current planners to upload a trip report.
Our main interests are Japanese traditions and history, street style/culture, and food so keep reading if these interests are mutual. Read to the bottom to see how much we spent plus some tips and disappointments.
Prelude
We were caught up in the madness at Dubai airport during our layover. Long story short; Airport (and the rest of Dubai) flooded and caused all the flights to be cancelled. What was meant to be a 5-hour layover turned into a torturous 36 hour wait. No staff to be seen, crowds of people arguing, fighting, and crying. We queued for 12 hours to get a new boarding pass for the next flight to Japan. We were meant to fly to Haneda but settled for Narita as we needed to get out of that place as soon as possible but still ended up missing our first day in Tokyo (should have had 5 days). We can’t complain too much as some of the people I spoke to on emirates were in the airport for up to 5 days before getting a flight back to their departure destination. Oh, and our baggage was missing with us only receiving our checked in bags on day 19. Cheers Emirates.
Day 1
Arrived in Shinjuku around midnight. We went straight to Don Quiojte to buy some replacement cosmetics and clothes. The combination of no good-quality sleep for 48 hours and the stimulating nature of the store was very intense! We then started to walk back towards the hostel and passed a Ichiran, so dropped in for some 2am ramen. Not the best ramen I’ve ever had but was still very good for the price.
Steps: 21,643 (includes some airport steps)
Day 2
Woke up and ate the free breakfast at the hostel (this turned out to be a really good money saver for the whole trip as we are not huge eaters in the morning anyway, but it was good to get something light in us before a long day walking). We then walked through the Shinjuku Gyoen Garden – saw some late blooming cheery blossoms and overall, it was a really beautiful botanical garden.
The next stop was Meji Shrine and a walk through Yoyogi park. The shrine was cool to see, especially as it was our first one in Japan. Saw a middle-aged man wearing denim hotpants so short that his balls were hanging out?!?!
Walked to Shibuya to see the scramble. This was cool but also felt it was a bit underwhelming at ground level but the view from Shibuya station walkway was wicked. Lunch was at a conveyor belt sushi place on the top floor of this department store right next to the scramble. This would be higher than average quality sushi in Europe, so it blew our minds that it was available on the top floor of a department store and for so cheap.
Shimokitazawa – We picked up some bargains at 2^nd street and I treated myself some Japanese jeans from a small Demin shop called Bears. The guy in the shop was super helpful and friendly and even tailored the trousers to exactly my size.
In the evening, we first had a poke around Golden Gai and then headed towards Shibuya and stopped in a cool bar where the owner was mixing vinyl while he mixed your drinks (think it was called Q Bar).
We had previously bought tickets to a gig at Circus for one of my fav rappers who I’d been wanting to see for a while. Also really enjoyed seeing the local Japanese warm up acts. Stayed until 5am and then go the train straight to the Tsukiji outer fish market. Was there way too early and had to wait roughly an hour for thing to open. Went to chill by a bench for a bit and by the time we went back to the market it was rammed! Went to bed around 8:30am.
Steps: 32,159
Day 3
We woke up at 2:30pm, got ready, and headed to the Bunkyo civic centre for the free observation deck. We heard it wasn’t meant to be the best Tokyo skyline view but for a free attraction we thought it was very good! Jimbocho book town was also very cool to see. We had a peak into a couple adult movie/magazine stores where I don’t think the owner appreciated our presence as western tourists.
In the evening, we first went for Ramen at Motenashi Kuraki in Asakusa Bashi. Honestly probably the best Ramen I’ve had to date. I ordered the Black Pepper Shio special, and it blew my mind. Even though the staff didn’t speak English they were very accommodating for my partner who doesn’t eat meat (pescetarian but will brave a meaty broth).
We then had a stroll around Akihabara and played some dance mat games in the arcades before heading back for an earlyish night.
Steps: 28,680
Day 4
I couldn’t sleep so got up around 3am and did some admin stuff to try and get our bags back to us ASAP. Chatted to people in the hostel for a few hours.
We arrived at Senso-ji for around 8am. Wasn’t too busy at this time and the temple was impressive. Went for a coffee down the road and had a chill for about an hour before heading into Asakusa. Got admission to the Drum museum which was wicked. Only 400 yen each and had the whole place to ourselves to smack some big fucking drums and make as much noise as we wanted.
We then started to head towards Ueno but made a slight detour to Kappabashi Dougu street to peruse the Japanese chef knives and other cookware. Grabbed lunch from a 7/11 and went and sat in Ueno park which was super busy. There was some food market event on which loads of food stalls had set up. There was also a stage with some J-pop performers and people dressed as ninjas dancing in the crowd. Weird to say the least. By mid-afternoon we were pretty tired so headed back to the hostel for a nap.
In the evening, we headed down to Harajuku and stopped by Big Love records. My partner is really into vinyl, so this was definitely a highlight for her. She picked up Wu Tang 36 chambers in case you were wondering. We then went for food at Afuri as my partner wanted to try the Vegan ramen to which she said it was ok but nothing special. My cold dipping noodle dish was very tasty, however. We then stumbled across this vinyl listening bar called Bar Music on the 5^th floor of this pokey building on the outskirts of Shibuya for a few drinks before bed. There was such a good vibe in there and the cocktails were super good for the price. If you’re looking for a romantic spot, then this is the place to go.
Steps: 31,818
Day 5
Today we headed to Kyoto on the shinkansen around midday after a slow morning chilling in and around the hostel and catching up on some sleep. Checked in to the hostel and had a walk around downtown Kyoto, stopping at 2^nd Street to buy some more clothes.
In the evening, we headed to Kodai-Ji to see the shrine lit up at night. We couldn’t believe how few people were there as it was stunning and truly magical place to be at night. It also has a bamboo grove (much better than Arashiyama, see below). The bar for Kyoto shrines/temples had been set very high.
Walked down Pontocho alley and stopped at a yakitori restaurant which was just ok. We knew it was going to be average when we looked around the restaurant and it was just western tourists dining.
Steps: 25,255
Day 6
First thing in the morning we rented bikes and cycled across the city to Arashiyama. Parked the bikes at the train station and walked up through Arashiyama. We were expecting it to be busy but there were so many people it was almost impossible to move. Had a look around the bamboo grove and was slightly underwhelmed after our visit to Kodai-Ji so we took the tram and then bus up to Kosan-Ji. This was very much worth the 45-minute journey as there was only one other group there and the temple nestled between the trees overlooking the river was breath-taking. On the whole, Arashiyama was way too packed during peak times to enjoy and with everything else Kyoto has to offer we wouldn’t say it was a must see.
We then picked up the bikes from the train station and cycled back across Kyoto taking the long route to explore and get lost. Once we dropped off the bikes, we went for another explore and this time went into WeGo for more clothes shopping. At this point we’d pretty much matched the amount of clothing that we had packed in our checked-in luggage that was still stuck in Dubai.
After a nap we walked towards the metro and stopped at a Katsu restaurant as we wanted to try something different, and it was pretty good. For the price of 1300 yen each we got so much food/sake and left stuffed.
Fushimi Inari in the evening. Like Kodai-Ji, we would recommend visiting Fushimi Inari at night. Firstly, to help avoid the crowds (we got there around 9pm and there was hardly anybody there) and secondly as seeing it lit up at night is a nice change. It was however slightly creepy at night, especially as it was lightly raining. My partner started to get a bit scared once we saw the signs to be careful of the wild boar and monkeys haha. We didn’t make it to the top of Mt Inari as the rain started to get heavy but still very much enjoyed walking through the hundreds of tori gates, stopping off at the shrines and soaking up the history.
Steps: 23,686
Day 7
Today was a late start as even after 8 hours sleep the 25k plus steps a day was starting to catch up with us.
We took the metro to Shimogamo Shrine in north Kyoto. It was very peaceful and quiet however temple fatigue had definitely set in at this point. We then walked through Kyoto to the beginning of Philosophers path. We had seen on this sub that people recommend skipping it unless its Sakura season however we disagree. The path along the river is so pretty and atmospheric, along with the fish gently swimming along in the river.
Kyoto Hand Crafts Centre – if you have the money then this is a great place to pick up souvenirs.
Pre-booked Sushi Iwa for a 15 course Omakase. The food was amazing, but it came to an eye watering 28k yen each. The difference for our western palettes between mid-range sushi and exceptional sushi is negligible. Nonetheless it was a good experience and I’m glad that we did it.
Steps: 23,751
Day 8
Today was an empty day in terms of things we wanted to do, so used it to walk the city and explore.
We checked out the Nishiki market and ate various fried foods on sticks which were all pretty tasty. We then walked northwards, stopping for coffee before reaching the imperial palace. By this point we were very much bored of temples and structures of similar architecture, but we actually ended up enjoying walking the palace grounds and seeing the buildings more than we thought and would recommend it to those who find themselves in north Kyoto.
A leisurely walk back down towards downtown Kyoto, stopping off at a wicked standing soba joint. Forgotten the name but their curry soba was delicious.
Chao Chao gyozas (only veggie gyoza place we could find) for our evening meal before a night cap at the bar across the road before bed.
Steps: 23,304
Day 9
Shinkansen to Hiroshima arriving around 11am.
Checked into hostel and then went straight to the A-dome, peace memorial and museum. We thought the museum was very moving and captured the horror of the events that unfolded very well. A must see for sure.
Okonomiyaki at Okonomimura and then some vintage clothes shopping in Hondori.
Went back out for food in the evening and ended up getting Okonomiyaki again. This time it we enjoyed it a lot more than we did at lunch (probably because we got it covered in cheese). There are a few streets by Hiroshima station with lots of bars and restaurants on top of each other, much like Golden Gai in Shinjuku, however they are not super touristy and has a more laid-back feel to them.
We then went to some bars in the city centre. The best one we stumbled across was called Tropical Bar Revolucion. It was on the 8^th floor and the smoking balcony overlooked the city. Plus, the beers in there tasted so good and I’m not sure why.
Steps: 23,299
Day 10
A hungover morning. Headed to the Hiroshima National Gardens. Going to some gardens is my go-to hangover activity as its low effort, relaxing, and feels productive. These gardens in particular were great and we really appreciated the signs explaining the history behind the space. Overall, we enjoyed this more than the national gardens in Shinjuku.
Public baths near Dobashi in the afternoon. If you’re feeling brave enough to get your kit off in front of 10s of strangers, then this is a good experience. Male and female baths are separate. Can’t go wrong for 400 yen.
Went for a drink at Bar Pretty and then realised the effect of golden week on trying to get a table walking into a restaurant. Walked around for about an hour with no success so settled for food from a department store food court. Sounds miserable but the food was pretty good for the price, and it was busy in there, so it still had an atmosphere.
Steps: 29,487
Day 11
Miyajima Day. Took the ferry to the island arriving at 10:30am. The Ryokan staff met us at the port and collected our bags to take back to the hotel.
Had a mooch around the port area before doing the hike up Mt Misen. The climb to the top on a hot day is not to be underestimated. Sweating buckets, but the route and the view from the top was amazing and one of the standout highlights of the whole trip.
After descending Mt Misen, we bought some beers, oysters and, ice cream and sat along the beach wall and chilled in the sun for a couple hours. The hotel staff then picked us up from the ferry terminal, we checked in and went straight to the Onsen for a couple hours before dinner. Dinner was a traditional kaiseki meal (with more courses than I can remember) served in the banquet hall with the other guests.
While the staff converted our retro ryokan room and set up the futons we had a few more beers before bed.
Steps: 20,803
Day 12
Today we had a chilled morning on the island, having a stroll and stopping for some coffees. We then took the ferry back to Hiroshima, stopping for Okonomiyaki one more time, before taking the shinkansen to Osaka.
Checked into our hostel near Namba and went out for a walk around 8pm. When looking for somewhere to eat we walked past a sign for a vegetarian Indian restaurant called Shama. After nearly two weeks of pure Japanese food we were craving some variety so decided to head in. Located on the basement floor of a particularly run down looking building the restaurant was not the most glamorous. Barely enough space for 10 people, it was hot in there. A constant stream of people was coming in and out of the restaurant and we were lucky enough to walk in when there were two spaces available. From sitting down at the table to receiving our food we waited just under an hour. This would be enough to put most people off but fuck me the food was good when it did finally arrive. We got a selection of 4 different curries, naan breads and samosa. We left stuffed. If you’re in the area this is definitely a place worth checking out.
Steps: 25,502
Day 13
Our first stop of the day was the Umeda Sky Building. Not suitable if you are scared of heights as the glass elevator made our stomachs drop slightly. The views were impressive but we thought the price was a bit steep at 1500 yen each.
We then spent the afternoon wondering about near Namba and Shinsujibashi dropping into shops and picking up some food.
For dinner we made a reservation for a Mexican restaurant near Dotonbori. Massive margheritas, nachos and enchiladas. The food was great, and it shows by how busy the place was still at 10pm. It had been open since the late 70’s with the décor to match and it had a great atmosphere.
Steps: 27,290
Day 14
Checked out Tsuruhashi and Korea Town. Loved the market – dimly lit maze of numerous food and clothing vendors. Stopped to have some Korean stew and pancakes and it was delicious. One of the best meals of the trip.
Shinsekai in the evening. What I can describe as the armpit of Osaka. We loved it. Dirty? Yes. Rowdy? Yes. Rough around the edges with a red light district to top it all off. We had Kushikatsu to finish the evening off. Fried stuff on a stick – of course it going to be tasty but it wasn’t exactly flavour town.
Steps: 23,777
Day 15
Took the train to Minoh and hiked up the trail to see the waterfall. Hike was easy in comparison to Mt Misen and the waterfall was very cool to see. Had a wonder around Minoh stopping for some lunch at a Ramen bar.
We went to the Team lab botanical gardens in the evening. It was very awe inspiring seeing all the installations lit up.
After sampling Japanese McDonalds (I had a burger where the buns were made out of rice) we went for some drinks at Zerro. We liked this bar a lot, the guys working there were very friendly and it had a good vibe.
We then sat and watched the skaters at triangle park with some beers from the konbini before going to see Dj Masda at Circus until around 4am. This area of Osaka was such a vibe and came back here a few times over our 6 days here. Overall, a very fun evening.
Steps: 26,130
Day 16
Woke up chronically hungover but powered on and went to see a baseball game. You’re allowed to bring food and drink into the stadium (as long as alcohol is in plastic/paper cups) so we grabbed some beers and snacks from family mart. We had no idea what was happening but the atmosphere was electric and we enjoyed getting pissed and cheering.
Had a nap and then went to Hafez for middle eastern food. The food was good but not amazing, nothing in comparison to my local middle eastern restaurant back home. Chilled around the Namba park/Big step area. Loved this area so much, we are big into street fashion and culture so this place really ticked some boxes. Lots of skaters and street wear stores concentrated around here. Got an early night watching Battle Royale back at the hostel.
Steps: 22,065
Day 17
Today we went to the Umeda area. Popped into some shopping centres and had Omurice for lunch. It was tasty but not something I will crave when back home. Good experience trying it though. We then walked through Yodoyobashi along the rivers and got gelato and sat in the rose garden. The sun was beating down and we enjoyed just chilling in the sun eating our ice cream.
Compufunk Records were holding a party in their store. Decent gaff with some very welcoming and kind people to party with until the early hours.
Steps: 21,267
Day 18
We reluctantly left Osaka for Hakone today. Very sad to go but onwards to the next adventure. Took the shinkansen to Odawara and then the Hakone romance car to Gora. Checked into our Ryokan and relaxed in the Onsen for a few hours.
Went for a walk around Gora and had dinner at the Ryokan before watching Predator in bed.
Steps: 16,926
Day 19
Today we did the Hakone Loop, starting early in Gora.
Started with the Open-air museum and it was great. We loved the installation and ended up spending 3 hours slowly making our way round. Got some cool photos as well for the gram.
Ropeway to Lake Ashi. This was absolutely terrifying. You have to swap cable cars 3 times on the way over and the warnings of the service being suspended due to the wind was announced at each stop. I’m not going to ruin the surprise, but one section made me literally freeze in terror due to the winds outside so try to do it on a calm weather day.
We then took the pirate boat (bit underwhelming) across the Lake and stopped for some soba noodles and a wander around. Unfortunately it was way too cloudy to even get a chance at seeing Mt Fuji.
Train to Kamakura and checked into our super cute traditional hostel near the beach.
Dinner at an Izakaya from the hostel owners recommendation. Food great and beers slipped down a treat. First time I tried Yuzu Kosho as well – I’m now addicted to the stuff and literally cover all my food with it.
Steps: 19,512
Day 20
A slow start to the morning. Weather was pretty bad but we still managed to hit all the main sights in Kamakura. Big Buddha was a refreshing sight from the temples. Did some shopping up Komachi Dori. Highlight of the day was Hukokaji temple. It was so peaceful and zen in the rain with its very own matcha tea ceremony backdropped by bamboo forest. This turned out to be our second favourite temple/shrine we visited, just being beaten by Kodaji.
In the evening we went for Sushi at a conveyor belt place. Figured this would probably be my last Japanese sushi of the trip so devoured 7000 yen worth of sushi and beer. Went back to the hostel and invited some of the other guests to drink with us. The owner of the hostel had some bayberry homebrew, so we got stuck into that.
Steps: 20,494
Day 21
Enoshima Island is just a 25 min train from Kamakura. Started off the day by walking to the top of the island to get French toast and a beer with a lovely view across the bay. We then headed up the Sea candle to check out the observation deck, still the illusive Mt Fuji hides behind the clouds.
We then bought admission to the caves beneath the island which was pretty cool. I won’t ruin the surprise but there’s something waiting for you at the end of one of the caves.
Had an explore around the rockpools near the caves and took some cool photos. We then had a pizza with fish on which was pretty crazy. Walked around the island a little bit more and I picked up some more Japanese denim which wasn’t the cheapest but the quality of the trousers are great and will last me a lifetime.
Back to Tokyo in the evening.
Went for Izakaya around Asakusa and popped into a couple bars. One was called Not Suspicious and the whole bar was covered in handwritten notes by patrons. Very touristy but quite cool at the same time. Our favourite was a drawing of Mario saying It’s a Me Muthafucka.
Steps: 25,903
Day 22
First stop was Don Quiojte to pick up some Yuzu Kosho (if you know you know) and weird flavoured KitKats.
Kappabashi Dougu street to purchase a fine Japanese carbon stell Santoku. Honestly in love with this knife so much. The people at the store were very happy to hear exactly what I was looking for and even let me try before you buy on some daikon radish.
While in Asakusa I had to return to the place where I put the best thing in my mouth in Japan. Motenashi Kuroki. Switched it up this time and had their classic Shio ramen plus the duck rice as a side. Honestly this place is amazing, and you have to go there if you have time. They aren’t veggie/pescy friendly so my partner went for one last round of sushi round the corner. We met up at a massage chair parlour and spent 30 mins relaxing in the chairs.
We had a bright idea to watch the sunset one last time so headed over to the rooftop park on a department store in Shibuya. Sipping on an ice cold Kirin, the sun slowly dropped behind the distant mountains and we knew our trip had come to an end. How symbolic.
Flight at 11pm from Haneda.
Steps: 23,187
On reflection:
I honestly think this trip was almost perfect in terms of hitting our interests and travel style. There was a good balance of doing the typical first time visit to Japan sights and activities while still exploring and seeing what we came across in the moment.
It hard to pinpoint exact highlights of the trip as everywhere we visited had so much going for it in different ways. We loved the rugged and trendy vibe to Osaka, and I think this would be the city I would most want to live in for a considerable amount of time (If I had to choose). Miyajima was also stunning and a great overnight trip with the Ryokan experience. We also underestimated how much we would enjoy Kamakura with its laid-back surfer vibe and access to Enoshima Island.
One random memorable moment that has stuck with me was when we landed at Narita airport, we took the limo bus to Shinjuku. As the driver pulled away, all the staff at the station turned and bowed in unison. It felt so special to first observe a culture totally opposite to the one I grew up with and was at this point I knew I had embarked on the trip of a lifetime.
If I could go back and change something I would probably miss out Hakone and do an extra day in one of the major cities. This isn’t because we didn’t enjoy Hakone, but we feel like it’s a place that needs more time to soak in what’s going on around you (plus the weather was bad when we were there). This being said the Open-Air Museum was amazing and we enjoyed it more than the Teamlab botanical gardens so the trip up the mountains was worth it just for that.
So, how much did we spend per person (not inc flights)?
Accommodation - £765pp
Given that we spent a couple nights in Ryokans raising the average price slightly, we were pretty happy with the accommodation costs. We stayed in a mix of private room and shared dorm hostels and pretty much all of them were spot on. Travelling as a couple meant that anywhere with a private room split the price between 2. The only hostel we didn’t like was the one in Hiroshima, there wasn’t anything in particularly wrong with it, there was just a really bad vibe from the owner and other guests.
Transport - £344pp
This includes shinkansen to and from all the major cities as well as our suica top ups for metros and buses. Unless your itinerary is something like 3 days Tokyo, 2 days Osaka 2 days Kyoto then there really isn’t any point getting the JR pass now that the price has increased.
Activities – £280pp
It is hard to give an exact amount for activities and food as 1) I didn’t track what we spent our cash on and 2) my partner and I would take in turns paying for things like temple admission. That being said I’ve allocated 25% of the cash we spent to activities such as temple admission. Activities includes our baseball tickets plus club entries as well as temple and museum admissions etc.
Food – £962pp
As above, its hard to give an exact amount for food. On the whole we tried to eat cheap with possible, especially at the start of our trip. There were a few expensive meals peppered in plus we ate out twice a day towards the end of our trip as we realised we were under budget.
The total is a bit skewed as this includes all the alcohol we bought in bars as well as the konbini trips for beers and cigarettes. I estimate that booze accounts for around a third of the total per person. If you would like to do Japan on a budget, reducing the booze will make a big difference.
Shopping/Souvenirs/Gifts – £607 (just me)
We went hard with the shopping. We didn’t actually receive our checked in luggage until day 19 so we had to buy all new clothes and cosmetics. If this wasn’t the case, then I don’t think I would have spent so much (airline is comping us for the additional clothing bought anyway). I also bought a fairly expensive chef knife and Japanese denim pieces, plus lots of gifts for friends and family. Obviously, this number could theoretically 0 if you are on a serious budget and did no shopping but I really underestimated Japanese shopping, especially thrifting. Also, given our cheap choices when it came to accommodation we could afford to splurge. However just to note my partner spent less than half than I did on shopping.
Total: £2958 (582,628 yen at time of writing)
I kept within my budget of £3000. I definitely got a bit frivolous with the cash in the last few days or so, if being as careful as I was towards the start of the trip, I think the total would be closer to £2500.
Disappointments
Takoyaki. We thought it was going to be all about the octopus but were disappointed with our balls of sloppy goo surrounding tiny chewy pieces of octopus. We tried it twice and couldn’t get behind it. Sorry Takoyaki fans.
Arashiyama. Way too busy, especially around the main station and bamboo grove. If it’s the bamboo you are going to see, then Kodaji is a much better spot.
Dotonburi. Albeit we were there in golden week, and it was pretty busy. However, I get the feeling this area has fallen to the past its golden days title and has become a bit of a cash cow for places selling spiralised potatoes on a stick. The area around Namba park was a better option for us.
Tips
Konbini. Absolute life saver for snacks and drinks on the go. The food quality for a convenience store is higher than most other countries so we had no problem with grabbing a meal from one to help keep within our budget.
Don’t over pack – even though we didn’t get our checked in bags, I still packed light so had plenty of space to bring stuff back. Emirates give you your allowance by weight rather than number of baggage so we could check in additional bags on the way back.
Don’t be scared of hostels. If you don’t want to brave the shared dorms, then most hostels offer private rooms with just the shower and toilet shared. Obviously, it’s cheaper if there are two people sharing a room.
Don’t stress about cash. Most places take debit/credit card and if they don’t, you’re never more than 5 minutes from a konbini ATM.
For us, golden week didn’t seem that big of an issue. No problems booking shinkansen around GW. We spent most of GW in Osaka, as such it was going to be busy anyway so maybe we didn’t see much of a difference from normal numbers in the spring.

Age 42
Sex male
Height 5'10
Weight 285
Race Hispanic
Duration of complaint 1 year
Location US
Any existing relevant medical issues none
Current medications Omeprazole
Include a photo if relevant I have been dealing with what now seems like gallbladder issues, my hida scan back in August showed a 86% EF I been complaining about pain on my left rib side for almost a year, wasn't until June of 2023 when I went to the ER thinking I was having a heart related issue and was dismissed. Forward to August and again back at ER with chest pain, arm pain back pain and warm feeling on my stomach. At that time they did a bunch of tests to see if I had a clot or something else. Everything came back negative including the US. Then I got a hida scan which showed 86%EF. Felt better but it didn't go away. Forward to a couple of weeks ago and back at the ER, after hours of blood work and US they found sludge on my gallbladder. Ever since I've had a bunch of different symptoms
Pain on RUQ that goes to the back, stabbing pain. Also feel it on the left lower rib cage.
A really bad taste in my mouth feels like when you throw up and have nothing but that sour nasty yellow goo on your stomach.
I had joint pain, tingling on my feet and toes. Skin feels like I have bengay on it.
Nausea, diarrhea, then constipation.
I have not been eating much since 2 weeks and symptoms are worse as time passes. I have surgery scheduled for the 21st of June but is this all related to the gallbladder? I been researching and reading and there are a bunch of symptoms that are caused by the Gallbladder but I'm going crazy here. ER doesn't find anything and I'm out of ideas.

i have:

• tmj
• hearing sensitivity
• tinnitus
• eye floaters
• clicking at back of head with chin tucks or sometimes when turning head.
• Tension at sides of head, and sometimes the back of head and at forehead.
• popping at back of pelvis when standing up from sitting
• popping/cracking noise at doing a shoulder squeeze behind the back, at shoulder squeeze.

Background: sit a lot on pc, didn't exercise much for years. Speculate tinnitus has been caused by poor posture or TMJ.
I've had tinnitus and some of above issues for 4 years, and i think below is the only thing thats been helping lately although might be too soon to say, however gonna share anyway coz so far it has 100% helped me with jaw clicking that i had for many years, a long with back of head clicking noises and is helping with my posture.
note -
When it comes to tinnitus i believe it has helped, however unsure if it will continue helping it or if its just a placebo effect; same for hearing sensitivity.

TINNITUS AND POOR POSTURE TREATMENT

----- working out twice a week or every other day.

• Exercise Tutorial Reps setsrest (mins)
• bulgarian split squat 5 2 1 (glutes)
• pistol squat(sat) 5 2 1 (leg)
• single leg calf raise 10 2 1 (calfs)
• hanging leg raise 10 3 2 (abs)
• pull ups 5 3 1 (back)
• Push ups 8 3 1 (chest,etc)
• pike push up 8 3 2 (shoulders)
• diamond push up 8 3 2 (triceps)

----- taking breaks from computer
Taking breaks every 60 mins from computer, to do following stretches OR stand up!:
https://www.artofmanliness.com/health-fitness/fitness/undo-the-damage-of-sitting/
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u9OQMBPrFgI&list=LL&index=2&ab_channel=JeremyEthier
so every 60 mins, u either stand up for an hour, or do the stretches (some of them, or all), i personally stand up every hour and sometimes when going to sit back down i do a stretch. Do what you prefer best and suits you.
Note- when standing take note of your posture, such as your feet pointing outwards when standing, this is a sign of duck feet and correct the feet to be straight and aligned.
----- jaw stretch
throughout the day i simply open my mouth as wide as possible, like use all your face and mouth to open, and simply rotate my head around (look left, right, up and down), but dont over do the rotating head part whilst u have mouth open, just look around a bit, left right, up, etc.
Note - i dont have any jaw pain, my tmj could just be muscular and may differ from your tmj, so whether this may be of help to u idk. I noticed that sitting posture influences the back of head cracking noises and jaw clicking.
Also sometimes i may also do jaw stretch like moving jaw left, right and forward and backward. But not often.
----- results after 1-2 days.
ive only done this for 1-2 days so very early to say, but i tell you what, it has done the following:
Pros:

• Less head cracking when rotating head.
• less head tension, but at same time i kinda feel like i still got head tension, so maybe not, but i feel like its helping idk.
• Smoother JAW opening, left jaw used to click a lot but now it feels smoother and less clicking.
• Tinnitus feels quieter, but can still hear it in the day but not too bad. In bed its more louder tbh.

Cons:

• Increased hearing sensitivity after jaw stretch, not sure why but will continue anyways coz fuck it and its helped with jaw opening and back of head cracking noises.
• Still feeling some head tension
• still get cracking noises behind back when i do shoulder squeeze.
• still get popping noises behind my pelvis/ at back of lower spine when standing up from sitting.

----- results after 5 or so days.
pros:

• noticeably less head cracking when rotating head left, right, and doing various circles with head.
• reduced tinnitus, its much quieter
• less head tension
• smoother jaw opening
• despite first 1-2 days my hearing sensitivity being worse, i think its actually slightly improving now.
• when protruding my jaw forward, i notice my right jaw joint doesn't make a click sound as often.

cons:

• Somedays after waking up, tinnitus is reactive and louder, but that goes away after doing jaw stretches and exercising a bit, etc. Note on top of tinnitus being reactive, hearing sensitivity also worsens during these times.
• sometimes still feel some head tension
• sometimes when turning head left, i still get a popping/snap sound behind the head at right side, near occipital area/ base of neck.

notes -- things may continue to improve if i remain consistent with the routine, i will update later if i am able to stay motivated with my workouts lol
sharing this anyway coz it probably will help someone out here struggling with finding something to help their tinnitus, tmj and poor posture.
----- notes for sitting on pc

• get an electric desk, so u can switch between standing, or you can raise table to a height that makes it easier to eat without bending the neck.
• knees at 90 degrees.
• elbows at 90 degrees.
• lumbar support.
• dont use arm rests, they are only for resting not for long hours of use on pc.
• middle of monitor screen at eye level.

----- notes for sleeping

• thick memory foam pillows aren't good for me personally, they make it harder to breathe or almost block your breathing during sleep.
• However slimmer foam pillows i think have helped.
• I have tried shredded memory foam as well and not the biggest fan, but i still switch between the thin memory foam pillow and the shredded one.
• I also make sure to always sleep on side.
• And i do not mouth breathe.
• I dont use masking noises during sleep either, even when tinnitus has been the most distracting simply because i have a feeling it would backfire and cause you to rely on a sound to sleep, on top of possibly accumulating hearing loss if its too loud by accident. That said perhaps my tinnitus isn't as loud as yours, so experience may differ.

Part 5
Gerard, God
Somewhere in time and space
He watched the passers-by as they moved about, following their daily routines, unaware of the fate that would shortly befall them. This was the time that fascinated Him the most. The moments before they finally understood that The Threat was here.
It was a sort of last hurrah, He thought. They didn't know it, but Gerard could nonetheless sense a sort of joi de vivre, a liveliness that simply didn't exist in prior times, and couldn't possibly exist in future ones. He watched mothers dote lovingly over their children, watched children hurl themselves into play with abandon, watched addicts take in their drugs like a drowning man would gulp for air. They might not known that there was no tomorrow for most of them, but they nonetheless seemed to put just a little bit of extra effort into everything.
Eventually, it came to an end, of course. It always did, no matter how many times He watched it. He saw happiness and mundanity give way to pain and suffering. Laughter was replaced by the screams of the dying. Life was replaced by death. The world replaced by destruction.
He sighed, leaving this timeline. He never watched the arrival of The Threat twice in the same timeline. There was nothing for Him to learn that way. His power was immense and total. He only had to witness The Threat once in each timeline to understand it.
Worst of all was the knowledge. The knowledge that He would only be able to save a single timeline. That all others would fall into ruin, destroyed and left to rot away. Only one could survive; the one that He chose. He could stop The Threat only once, for doing so would require Him to remain. Ever vigilant, ever ready to stop any recurrence.
He had to choose which timeline. That task was less than He feared, for now he knew that there were an infinite number of them. He could choose one with the right qualities, one whose nature would aid Him in His work. He realized then that He would, once He had chosen the proper timeline, finally watch The Threat come twice. Once, when He reviewed that timeline prior to choosing. And again, when He would stop it.
And stop it, He would. No other outcome was acceptable. He had already sacrificed too much. His mortality, His life, His happiness, His very soul itself. He had wrought Himself into a weapon, to strike down The Threat, and He would fulfill that purpose, no matter what.
----
Jerry Williams, Godslayer
Nibiru
We were sharks, swimming and darting among a school of fish. Gods and devas fled, screaming in terror as we flew through the swirling, chaotic energies that should have driven us -or at least my wife and daughter- mad within seconds. They had thought that their realm protected them.
Little did they know, we were already mad.
Inanna and I flanked a group of fleeing gods, preventing them from leaving this world, extending their essence into manifested bodies somewhere in one of the countless material worlds, or simply crossing the energy that was the core of their beings into the Spirit World. Here, in Nibiru, our divinities and demi-divinities gave us access to unlimited power. We seized it and wove nets with which to entrap those minor gods who could not find escape elsewhere, and had huddled here in fear of our coming.
As the group fled, we sped up, curving our course, which caused them to curve theirs, fearful of drawing too close to either of us. We moved slowly, carefully, angling them where we wanted them to go.
It wasn't long before the gaping maw of the Grandfather of the Gods came into view. Ixlublotl, the primordial god, the originator of divinity. The gods we herded realized their peril and turned to flee back the opposite direction, but there they found Aaina, burning towards them, screaming in rage and bristling with offensive energies.
Trapped, they had no choice. They attacked us. Emotions and thoughts, energy and matter, all of it flew at us in an orgy of sudden violence that churned the substrate of this world into a screaming chaos. All three of us linked our magics into a shield; a half-sphere of anti-magic that absorbed their attacks, sending the energy of which they were made back into into the swirling chaos around us.
They threw everything they had at us, a desperate last stand, driven by necessity and panic. All of it crashed against our defenses, the resulting streamers of magic filling the space around us with an all but impenetrable cloud. Hidden by that cloud, Ixy closed in.
By the time they realized that it was too late, it was over.
Ixy's physical body, that cloud-wrapped cacophony of maw-stalks, eye-stalks, spider-like legs and whipping tentacles, currently the size of a skyscraper, swept in, mouths snapping up the energies that were the cores of our quarry.
We came together when it was done. Inanna created a haven for us, allowing us to release the magic that held our bodies in stasis and protected us from the wild magic all around. It was a copy of our house, something she'd come up with a while back and shown to me with great pride. I had loved it, of course.
I sank into the loveseat with Inanna next to me as Aaina took the recliner.
"That's most of them," Aaina said.
"About thirty more," I replied. "And then we can start the next phase."
"Do either of you have any doubts about what we're doing?" she asked. I could see the indecision in her eyes. She was so young, and such a good girl. My heart broke at having dragged her into such dirty business.
"No," Inanna answered, her voice hard and confident.
"Yes," I added. "But at the end of the day, this is what needs doing."
Aaina looked back and forth between us, then nodded. None of us smiled.
----
Emily Windham, Wizard, Artificer
Fremont, Nebraska, at the corner of E 4th Ave and N Main St
Emily turned just in time to see the massive troll hit Jim Carmichael with a shoulder, sending the trooper flying before angling at her with no change in speed.
Acting on pure instinct, she conjured a wall of force between them. The troll slammed into it, shattering the magics that held it together with raw force, but the wall did its job, stopping the warrior in his tracks.
Emily snatched the rune-engraved knife off her belt and surged forward, jumping at the last second to put her in range of the troll's huge neck. The blade plunged in, and she released a quick burst of magic that made her legs and off hand sticky, allowing her to cling to the thing, too close for it to use its battleaxe on her.
She ripped the knife out and plunged it in again and again as the barbarian roared in pain and indignation at being hurt so badly by a foe so tiny. Emily grabbed his beard, yanking hard to bring his eyes to hers as she slammed the knife in and twisted, the magic in the blade telling her when it found his windpipe and carotid artery.
Blood sprayed, coating her face and shoulders. The troll's roars were cut off in a gurgling, breathy hiss. He stumbled, then fell. Emily rode him down, her eyes locked onto his, watching all hopes of victory, or even survival, fade from them. She lost herself in those eyes, in the mystery that was this troll's life, ending right before her. She saw the regrets, the crushed hopes, the shame of defeat and wondered at the context.
The impact as they hit the ground broke the spell.
Emily released the magic and stood up, instincts trained into her by the security troops and war wizards making her search for more threats before she could even process what had just happened. But there were no more threats. That had been the last one.
Greg Ramirez walked towards her, his rifle barrel pointed down, hanging from the sling in front of his armor and all the various attachments that he and the security troops referred to as their 'battle rattle'.
"Nice work," he said, eyeing the troll, who continued to gasp for air, the sound of his labored breaths reminding Emily of a pig squealing. She looked down, searching for that orgasmic feeling her bio-dad had so desperately wanted her to share with him, but not finding it. All she found was a sense of satisfaction, yet even that was too much.
Years of therapy, of telling her story to trained clinicians and listening to and internalizing their advice. All of it had helped her make friends and move among the normal people, but it had never erased that feeling of satisfaction. This was the fourth time she'd killed a sentient being, and each time, she felt the exact same way. It was a victory.
Her maudlin thoughts were interrupted by the bark of Greg's rifle. The troll's head jerked and deformed, a splattering of blood coming out as a .277 fury round drilled a hole straight through his temples. She glanced up to find Greg still eyeing her.
"You did good," he said, his expression showing some concern.
"I liked it," she said quietly, her eyes turning back.
"You liked killing him?" Greg asked. Emily nodded, wondering if she'd always be fucked up.
"I killed him," Greg said. "And I damn sure liked it."
Emily turned back, eyeing him with some interest. Greg was, in many ways, the opposite of her. Cool, confident, charming and just all-around well-adjusted. She hadn't ever imagined that he wound enjoy something like this.
"It means I won," he explained. "It means that big, badass motherfucker showed up here trying to bully us, and take whatever he wanted from us, and little old me stood up and said 'no', and when he tried to force the issue, I took his life away. It feels like justice. It feels like one less motherfucker trying to kill me and my friends. Damn straight I liked it."
Emily smiled. She didn't realized she had smiled until Greg smiled back.
"I read your psych eval," he went on. "I know you think you're fucked in the head, but I'm gonna tell you right now, you're not. You're a warrior, that's it. Bloodlust isn't a bad thing, if it can be controlled. Enjoying killing isn't a bad thing, if you're killing the people that need killing. Give yourself a break, girl."
He clapped her on the shoulder, then took the back of her head with his free hand and pressed her forehead to his.
"I'm gonna recommend you be allowed to join the war wizard roster. You're all trained up, you're prepared for it, and from what I've seen today, you're a fucking natural."
Without waiting for a response, he let her go and turned away, grabbing the radio fob on his armor and squeezing it.
"Black Lead, this is Black-Two Actual. All raiders at the target site are neutralized. We're commencing a sweep now, will report back in thirty mikes."
Emily smiled at his back as he walked away. A part of her reflected that he was a natural leader, knowing exactly what to say to her in that moment. Another part didn't care, because it worked. She glanced down at the troll again, and didn't see a victim.
She saw a victory.
----
Kathy Evenson, Professional
Somewhere in the ruins of an ancient city in the Seventh World
Kells shifted nervously as Kathy continued to cut chits from the electrical panel lid with the magical laser emerging from her fingertip. He held his machete, really a short sword, in one hand, and his dagger in the other.
"We really shouldn't be much longer, Kath," he said. Kathy had explained to him the difference between Kath and Kathy, and even hinted at the things she'd done while possessed by Pissface and calling herself 'Kath', and even gone into some detail about how much she hated the nickname. Kells hadn't cared. He simply agreed with her, then continued to call her 'Kath'.
And the truth was, she really didn't mind that much.
She wasn't quite sure why, though she could hazard a guess. The man was disarming to a great degree. He presented himself as a dirty wanderer, a simple, violent man who shouldn't be trusted as far as you could throw him. But within just a few minutes of meeting him, she'd seen the intelligence in his eyes and words. She had seen the integrity in his negotiations with her, and the ethics that had turned him protective when the Searchers had appeared.
And despite that protectiveness, he still managed to avoid being patronizing. When she'd told him how she planned to get his chits, he had warned her of the dangers, then agreed to come along without hesitation when she didn't change her mind. Kells was a good man, she thought, and if a good man wanted to call her Kath, she supposed she could let him reclaim the name from the hell it had once represented.
"It won't be much longer," she said. She already had over seven hundred, and this plate would bring her to eight hundred. She only needed five or six more. This deep in the ruins, there was an untouched electrical box on almost every building. Some had been corroded, but most were surprisingly intact.
As she cut the final strip into chits, a roar sounded. It was a gurgling, rasping roar, unlike anything she had ever heard before. Or rather, the first one had been unlike anything she had ever heard before. This was the third time she'd heard it, and it sounded closer than the last two.
"That's no good sign, right thur," Kells said.
Kathy finished, dumping the little squares of galvanized steel into her bag and standing up.
"Come on," she said. "We'll go a couple blocks away from whatever that was before I cut the next one."
"Aye," Kells agreed, his head swiveling on his shoulders as he followed her down the alley. Kathy took note of how spooked he was. He seemed more nervous here than he had with the Searchers right in front of him. She supposed that might have something to do with the nature of the threats. The Searchers were, regardless of power and reputation, mere humans. Whereas whatever was making that roar was clearly some sort of monster.
She led him six blocks in a direction away from the roar before she stopped to examine the buildings. They had moved into a downtown area, which was one of the reasons she had stopped. The buildings here were closer together, which should make the rest of her task quicker. She found a good cover and ripped the little padlock off, then pulled it open and off its hinges.
A mass of spiders rushed out of the electrical box. She jerked her hand away, but they ignored her, scurrying down the wall and vanishing into the cracks between the bricks, safe once again in enclosed darkness.
She began to cut as Kells again stood watch.
She hadn't even made it halfway through the panel when another roar sounded, even closer than the last, and from a different direction.
"Call it," Kells said. "Call it now, Kath. Better ye collect some more later on than deal with the beast makin' them sounds."
"What kind of beast?" Kathy asked. She kept cutting, but glanced up and around, not seeing anything but filthy, dilapidated alleys.
"Walkers, they call 'em," Kells said. "Like great spiders, but rottin' away, with bones stickin' out an' flesh hangin' off th'legs."
"Great spiders?" Kathy asked. "How big?"
"Bigger'n a building."
"You've seen them yourself?" Kathy asked.
"Only once," Kells said, his voice growing quieter. He seemed to be done speaking for a moment, staring around. But after a few seconds, he continued.
"Friend o'mine, name o' Gil. We used t'work together, he an' I. I were real new to runnin' a caravan crew back then, about ten years back. Gil were an old hand at it, though. Took me under 'is wing and taught me th'roads, as it were.
"Anyways, we'd taken a pair o' contracts. Rough ones, with a tight timetable. Merchants needed t'get to Freeman's Port post-haste. One faster'n th'other. Gil took that one, left me with the easier one, though that weren't t'say it were an easy job.
"We was in Craster's Holdfast at th'time, an smack in between there an' Freeman's Port were an ancient ruin. Big one, 'bout the size o' this'un, in fact. Normally, it took about a week t'travel between the two places, but if one were brave or foolhardy enough, they could cut through th'ruins an' make it in five days.
"Well, old Gil had that in mind. We left together, an' at th'place where ye normally would turn north t'go around the ruins, he led his caravan on straight. I prayed fer their safety that night, but never really believed anything would happen. Gil were an experienced caravaner, an' tougher'n anyone else I'd ever met.
"Two days later, we was walkin' this ridgeline north o'the ruins when somethin' called out t'me. Not sure what, exactly. I started lookin' south, scannin' the ruins, an' sure enough, I found Gil's caravan, walking down a wide road between th'largest buildings. They was movin' at quite a clip, I hav'ta say.
"I were tickled pink, at first. Because we'd made near as good a time as they had, despite movin' almost a day's north to skirt th'ruins. But as I watched, I realized that they weren't just travelin', they was runnin'."
Kells sighed, his eyes distant and full of old regrets.
"That's when I saw one. A great Walker, striding out o' th'deepest part o' th'ruins. The way it moved were like nothin' I ever seen before. It crawled along th'sides o' the ruins themselves, like a spider almost, but always with two or three feet on th'ground.
"It came fer th'caravan, and fell on 'em in a slaughter. I watched it breathe fire down on 'em, stompin' men flat with its feet an' scooping 'em up with its great claws."
He sighed again, then looked down. He tucked his sword under his armpit and used his hand to rub his eyes for a moment, before taking the blade up again.
"Killed 'em all, it did. Erry single one, as I live an' breath. An' when it were done, it went around, stompin' th'bodies flat. Never ate one, jes did all it could t'make sure that not a single survivor lived t'tell the tale. I were shook something fierce, I tell ya. Took me own caravan down off the ridge, t'avoid bein' spotted. We ended up arriving a day late, but to this day, I thank me lucky stars we made it at all."
Another sigh came, and Kathy heard the cracks in his voice as he continued on.
"Not Gil, though. Nor any o'them what worked for him, or th'merchant what hired him. A few years later, I worked up th'courage t'take a couple o'men into the ruins, t'find the bodies. I found bones dressed in Gil's clothes. I took his sword, which had survived, an' is th'one I carry to this day. I think Gil'd be pleased to know his blade had saved me life, quite a few times since."
Kathy finished cutting the cover up and stood to put her hands on Kells' shoulder.
"Thank you for telling me that," she said, her voice gentle. "I can tell it's an important story to you."
Kells nodded and sniffed once, then jerked his head in the direction away from the most recent roar. "I still think we should get out o' here, Kath," he said. "I'll face down the Searchers an' be happy o' a good death, should they take me. But them Walkers... They ain't warriors ye can face an' die with honor. One o'them things finds us, there ain't no fightin' it. We jes' die screaming, th'only consolation coming when it's all over."
Kathy weighed his words carefully. Kells knew this world far better than she did. And while she knew her own abilities far better than anyone here, she had to be mindful not to be too arrogant. Kells had told her how a single Walker had slaughtered an entire caravan of experienced fighters, led by an experienced leader.
"Okay," she said. She handed the bag to Kells. "There should be about eight hundred and fifty chits in there. You can count them out later, and I'll trust your count. After I find what I'm looking for, I'll collect the rest and we'll settle up."
"Good call," Kells said. He tied the bag off to his belt and walked to the corner of the building, peeking around. When he was satisfied, he nodded. Kathy joined him, and together, they made a beeline to the edge of the ruins.
They had made it about halfway out when another roar sounded, this one right on top of them. A rumbling crash sounded from her right, and Kathy turned to see rubble falling to the ground as something massive rose off the ground, two blocks over.
"Stars an' stones," Kells swore, then shouted "Run!"

For reference & a bit of a back story, I am 19 years old living in the United States. I know that sharing this experience with you all can be beneficial because I feel like a lot of women are going to feel so many emotions so not only am I going to tell you a bit about the way this impacted my body physically, I am going to share how I came to the conclusion that this is what is best for me and my life. I just want women to know you’re never alone in your emotions no matter what anyone is telling you/how you’re feeling. & if you’re looking for directions on how to properly receive the pills, this is not for you. I am just trying to share my personal experience :)
So, I found out that I was pregnant in the beginning of April. I know when I ovulate and I know when I had sex, so I was almost 4 weeks when I found out. I went through an entire process of emotions, including maybe thinking that this was meant to happen. In the beginning, I wouldn’t say I was excited. Just fucking terrified. For reference as well, I have borderline personality disorder which greatly affected my decision.
After weeks of back and forth with myself about what to do, I decided it was best that I should go through with abortion. As someone who grew up in not the best environment, I knew that my decision was right. I’m currently unmedicated, not in therapy and without a job. I may be crazy, but I have sense. My decision made all the sense and I knew it was right for me.
I ordered the pills after following every step through the process which was extremely simple. (Also thought I should mention that I do not live somewhere where abortion is legal AT ALL, which also terrified me. But after some reading, I found out how discreet this was, which made me feel tremendously better.)
I received the pills about 6ish days after I received the shipping information. April 30th, which is when I was 8 weeks & 3 days, I took the first pill which is the mifepristone. Within 24 hours I had no bleeding. Around the 24 hour mark I noticed a clear fluid on my underwear. I took 800mg ibuprofen 2 hours before I took this misoprostol. Put the 4 in my mouth for the 30 minutes. Around the 20 minute mark of having these in my mouth, I started feeling pretty severe back pain. Around 1 hr after these dissolved, I noticed some bleeding.
So now onto how these made me feel physically. About an hour and 30 minutes into this process, I was having diarrhea. I started to sweat pretty bad and was doubled over on the toilet from the cramps. I knew that they could be pretty severe but in all honesty nothing prepared me for this. I was crying because of how bad I felt. The whole time I was pretty nauseous but didn’t throw up until about the 6 hour mark. I tried to sleep it off but I just couldn’t. It hurt so bad and it all honesty I would compare it almost to kidney stone pain (I’ve had 4) I just laid on the bathroom floor crying. I took some more ibuprofen and Tylenol and slept for an hour. Woke up and felt slightly better and just made sure I ate and drank a shit ton of water. The cramps were still there but now felt like mild period cramps. After this I fell asleep for the night and when I woke up I physically felt fine. The cramps were a simple 2/10 for the pain.
I bled and had pretty bad clots for about 6 days. Day 7, I went to the bathroom and that’s when I saw the fetus on my bad. I’m not going to lie, this is pretty traumatic. Again I was almost 9 weeks along so if you know how a fetus develops, then you will know what I saw. I cried for a minute, took some deeps breaths and went to takes a nap. Woke up and felt better about this. Bled lightly for around 2 days after passing the fetus, so in total bled for around 9 days.
It’s been 2 weeks since taking this medicine and deciding to do this. Mentally, I feel much better than expected. In all honesty I feel nothing much more than relief because I know I made the right decision and choice for me. I was scared that I would feel regret, but I really don’t which kinda makes me feel shitty.
I decided to write this because I want you to know that you are making the right decision for you, and only you’re able to make that decision. Do not let anyone’s opinions deter you from doing what’s right for your well being. And just know, the physical pain is temporary.
With all love, I hope that this finds whoever needs it. You are loved, cared for and appreciated. If you are alone during this process and need someone to talk to or ask questions, I am here. And there are plenty of helpful resources as well.
Stay well and safe. <3

Just ranting needed to get this off my chest life’s just been eating me up recently
My stomach and intestines will not shut up and any slight movement they bubble and gurgle and whine it’s been so long dealing with this 2 months of hell I finally had bms daily for 7 days and now this is my second day without one I’m tired of taking miralax I wish my doctor would give me a diagnosis for fucks sake I still don’t know what’s wrong with me and it’s a constant issue I don’t have a life anymore I’m pissed I reckon whatever it is it’s probably gonna get worse and kill me im assuming it’s colon cancer that’s spread to the intestines I chew tobacco and use to swallow the spit when I was in tech school cause they didn’t allow it on campus I’m not getting any better if anything slowly worse each day idk what to do my doctors worthless he’s done one ct scan and just says it’s constipation I’ve taken miralax every single day for 2 months ate entirely clean and all the bullshit they tell you nothings even got the slightest bit better life sucks I’ve lost everything I wish I could drink or smoke away the pain but in fact it makes it worse I’m lost man I’ve been Christian for 2 years as well and even that feels pointless I’m just dead inside the only joy I have left in life is tobacco how sad is that the only time I feel somewhat happy or normal is when I put a dip in and I was even planning to throw that out before all this but now what’s the point my health’s fucked apparently wether I get mouth cancer or not he’ll I wouldn’t even be typing this if I had someone to talk to but i don’t I’ve got one freind left and he’s busy bros got his own life and I’m hella proud of him for it I was on track to do the same finally bought a vehicle got the job I trained for now I lay in bed listening to my loud ass gut and minimize symptoms I really miss life I’m thinking about just going back to work and saying fuck it just let it get worse maybe then my doc will actually take me seriously probably not but yeah my life sucks I feel like god genuinely hates me I take a step forward and he smacks me 7 steps back with a right hook I’m tired of pretending to be happy for people around me I’m tired of pretending that my cursed and all this is a blessing and I just haven’t found the lesson yet I’m starting to doubt everything and I’m going crazy sitting in my room all day I’m sure no one’s gonna read this or care even if they do I just need this shit off my chest everyone around me acts like I’m fine cause I’ve always been the type of person to laugh shit off and try to just man up my way through every problem but I can’t do that anymore there’s no more jokes and I’m half the man I was I use to have goals that were possible and I was reaching them I was doing good but here I am worse than I started but fuck it as is life I guess some people got it worse than me and I’m truly sorry that they have to go through any of it but life’s a bitch and this is a cruel ass world it really makes me struggle with my faith if gods all loving why would we be down here suffering even if we followed all the rules and did our best just doesn’t seem right but it’s whatever I guess

I'm going to try to keep this short, but also give enough information for analysis and advice. Feb. 20, 2024 I underwent the All-on-4 procedure for my top arch. I'm a 29-year-old female battling with chronic illness my entire life. That, paired with other factors, has caused massive tooth decay in my mouth starting very early. I have some fears regarding dental work related to a bad experience having my wisdom teeth & "12 y/o molars" being removed at 15. But I got over it and sought the treatment. Open and willing to do whatever was needed to get my smile back and be able to eat normally. I've lost over 30 pounds in the last year, and I'm basically malnourished at this point.
I went to an implant clinic local to me and financed a 20k loan for just my top arch. Thats all I can afford right now. This whole experience has been SO traumatic for me.
From being fully awake through the whole process, after I was promised that between the night before meds and morning anxiety medication along with nitrous that I would be totally out. The meds were never called into the pharmacy. I was told me they would only be available the night before for pick up. When they weren't found at any pharmacy in town , I called and their office was closed already. Nobody answered the after-hours line. So I just had to show up at 7am for my procedure without having taken them. I let them know and they told me that the nitrous should still knock me out. Which i believed to be true, past dental work with it would have me knocked out!
But I sobbed and cried and prayed for almost 6 hours while they extracted 14 teeth, it wasn't quick or easy at all, then they placed my implants. 5 of them.
All of my care has been from different providers at the same office. The dentist who I was told would be taking care of my entire process did my numbing shots then left. Someone I didn't know took over. I've never seen her in the office since that day. This has happened almost every follow up.
My pain for the first month was truly unbearable. I work 45 hours a week and they promised me I would be totally fine to work. I wasn't. I did still work without missing a single day, but that was by the grace and strength of God. Also, the demand of my huge loan payment monthly. The gum pain, nerve pain, constant intense throbbing finally subsided less than a month ago. I still get a lot of throbbing at my implant sites, but I continue to hope it's just the osseointegration that I'm feeling.
I went in weekly describing my pain and concerns and was ignored and told 'its normal". They refused to do any scans, check my stitches that never dissolved, I had to nicely demand the remove them after about a month in half because they were all untied and hanging out of my temp but also lodged underneath it.
I have almost ZERO ability to clean in between the acrylic temp and my gums. One side has space the other is smashed into my gums. Totally uneven. It even feels completely unbalanced in my mouth and moves and makes loud clicking noises. I've timed the amount of time I am cleaning and water flossing in a single day and it typically is about an hour total. Yet my mouth tastes terrible all the time. I can feel food lodged between that I'm not able to get out. I've told the dentist this every single time and I'm ignored.
I have so many questions and concerns regarding this whole experience, but most importantly is this:
Next week I start getting fitted for my permanent teeth. I feel so insecure in my knowledge of how this is supposed to look, fit, and feel. I dont know how to properly advocate for myself and care. I always trust the experts. I'm not a dentist, they are. But I dont trust mine. He has mislead me on many things, gets angry if I say i don't want or like something. For example my current and only temp just simply doesn't fit. It looks ridiculous. I'm not the only person wo has expressed this. My entire family has said the same things. But he refused to even discuss a differnt temp that I have had to wear for months. I explained it not even the aesthetic that I can't deal with its the fit and feel. He was clearly annoyed and told me he's not making another. Mind you he prints these in office with a 3d printer. When I had something almost pertruding through my gums in the front of an implant site he wouldn't do a scan. They finally agreed to do it at my next appointment, only because it's time anyway since this would be my first scheduled "pre op" appointment. If I hadn't been there by request weekly the first two months this would've been the only time I was seen or checked in this whole process.
My screws have fallen out and been replaced. Each time this happened I asked if they would please just check underneath for trapped food and I was told No every time. With no explanation. Is this normal?!!? I truly don't know. But it doesn't feel normal or right. I paid 20k for this. I feel like I've been scammed in way.
If anyone at all could give me ANY info or advice I would be so grateful. I can elaborate more on anything needed I just don't want to ramble and complain. I just wanted my smile back and the ability to eat. Im down to 94 pounds. Eating is barely possible. They didn't tell me anything about my diet restrictions until after the implants were in. I totally get why it would be soft foods only, but I don't understand why they wouldn't tell me things like this at my consult. It's one of the many things that I feel was ignored and left out when discussing this treatment option for me.
One final thing. While adjusting my bite one day he was filing down the implants in the back. I must note that my bottom teeth aren't in great condition but I'm taking great care of them until I can afford to have them done as well. Without any warning the dentist started filing down MY natural bottom teeth. Not just a little, noticeably even to the eye. I made many noises and waved my hands trying to get him to stop. He continued until I got loud and was pulling my head away. He removed he his hands from my mouth clearly annoyed with me. I asked "are you filing my bottom teeth?!?!' His response- "they're bad anyway". He knows that i can't afford to fix them right now. We discussed this many times. Needless to say, I left in a complete panic attack. Why was that necessary?? Or even an option to him. I now understand dental work and standards are different all over the world. I had zero issues with the ethnicity of who provided my care. But after further research I've seen many things about dental work in India and how brutal it can be. I'm truly don't mean this in a bad way. It's just what I've read in my many hours of research on the topic.
Dentists, assistants, anyone with knowledge or experience. PLEASE any info would be so helpful to me.
Please and thank you again. Sorry for the long post. This truly is the abridged version of this story sadly. I'm just read for this to be over. But I just need the results to be worth the 20k and the trauma.

I'm going to try to keep this short, but also give enough information for analysis and advice. Feb. 20, 2024 I underwent the All-on-4 procedure for my top arch. I'm a 29-year-old female battling with chronic illness my entire life. That, paired with other factors, has caused massive tooth decay in my mouth starting very early. I have some fears regarding dental work related to a bad experience having my wisdom teeth & "12 y/o molars" being removed at 15. But I got over it and sought the treatment. Open and willing to do whatever was needed to get my smile back and be able to eat normally. I've lost over 30 pounds in the last year, and I'm basically malnourished at this point.
I went to an implant clinic local to me and financed a 20k loan for just my top arch. Thats all I can afford right now. This whole experience has been SO traumatic for me.
From being fully awake through the whole process, after I was promised that between the night before meds and morning anxiety medication along with nitrous that I would be totally out. The meds were never called into the pharmacy. I was told me they would only be available the night before for pick up. When they weren't found at any pharmacy in town , I called and their office was closed already. Nobody answered the after-hours line. So I just had to show up at 7am for my procedure without having taken them. I let them know and they told me that the nitrous should still knock me out. Which i believed to be true, past dental work with it would have me knocked out!
But I sobbed and cried and prayed for almost 6 hours while they extracted 14 teeth, it wasn't quick or easy at all, then they placed my implants. 5 of them.
All of my care has been from different providers at the same office. The dentist who I was told would be taking care of my entire process did my numbing shots then left. Someone I didn't know took over. I've never seen her in the office since that day. This has happened almost every follow up.
My pain for the first month was truly unbearable. I work 45 hours a week and they promised me I would be totally fine to work. I wasn't. I did still work without missing a single day, but that was by the grace and strength of God. Also, the demand of my huge loan payment monthy. The gum pain, nerve pain, constant intense throbbing finally subsided less than a month ago. I still get a lot of throbbing at my implant sites, but I continue to hope it's just the osseointegration that I'm feeling.
I went in weekly describing my pain and concerns and was ignored and told 'its normal". They refused to do any scans, check my stitches that never dissolved, I had to nicely demand the remove them after about a month in half because they were all untied and hanging out of my temp but also lodged underneath it.
I have almost ZERO ability to clean in between the acrylic temp and my gums. One side has space the other is smashed into my gums. Totally uneven. It even feels completely unbalanced in my mouth and moves and makes loud clicking noises. I've timed the amount of time I am cleaning and water flossing in a single day and it typically is about an hour total. Yet my mouth tastes terrible all the time. I can feel food lodged between that I'm not able to get out. I've told the dentist this every single time and I'm ignored.
I have so many questions and concerns regarding this whole experience, but most importantly is this:
Next week I start gettting fitted for my permanent teeth. I feel so insecure in my knowledge of how this is supposed to look, fit, and feel. I dont know how to properly advocate for myself and care. I always trust the experts. I'm not a dentist, they are. But I dont trust mine. He has mislead me on many things, gets angry if I say i don't want or like something. For example my current and only temp just simply doesn't fit. It looks ridiculous. I'm not the only person wo has expressed this. My entire family has said the same things. But he refused to even discuss a differnt temp that I have had to wear for months. I explained it not even the aesthetic that I can't deal with its the fit and feel. He was clearly annoyed and told me he's not making another. Mind you he prints these in office with a 3d printer. When I had something almost pertruding through my gums in the front of an implant site he wouldn't do a scan. They finally agreed to do it at my next appointment, only because it's time anyway since this would be my first scheduled "pre op" appointment. If I hadn't been there by request weekly the first two months this would've been the only time I was seen or checked in this whole process.
My screws have fallen out and been replaced. Each time this happened I asked if they would please just check underneath for trapped food and I was told No every time. With no explanation. Is this normal?!!? I truly don't know. But it doesn't feel normal or right. I paid 20k for this. I feel like I've been scammed in way.
If anyone at all could give me ANY info or advice I would be so grateful. I can elaborate more on anything needed I just don't want to ramble and complain. I just wanted my smile back and the ability to eat. Im down to 94 pounds. Eating is barely possible. They didn't tell me anything about my diet restrictions until after the implants were in. I totally get why it would be soft foods only, but I don't understand why they wouldn't tell me things like this at my consult. It's one of the many things that I feel was ignored and left out when discussing this treatment option for me.
One final thing. While adjusting my bite one day he was filing down the implants in the back. I must note that my bottom teeth aren't in great condition but I'm taking great care of them until I can afford to have them done as well. Without any warning the dentist starting filling down MY natural bottom teeth. Not just a little, noticiably even to they eye. I made many noises and waved my hands trying to get him to stop. He continued until I got loud and was pulling my head away. He removed he his hands from my mouth clearly annoyed with me. I asked "are you filing my bottom teeth?!?!' His response- "they're bad anyway". He knows that i can't afford to fix them right now. We discussed this many times. Needless to say, I left in a complete panic attack. Why was that necessary?? Or even an option to him. I now understand dental work and standards are different all over the world. I had zero issues with the ethnicity of who provided my care. But after further research I've seen many things about dental work in India and how brutal it can be. I'm truly don't mean this in a bad way. It's just what I've read in my many hours of research on the topic.
Dentists, assistants, anyone with knowledge or experience. PLEASE any info would be so helpful to me.
Please and thank you again. Sorry for the long post. This truly is the abridged version of this story sadly. I'm just read for this to be over. But I just need the results to be worth the 20k and the trauma.

I'm going to try to keep this short, but also give enough information for analysis and advice. Feb. 20, 2024 I underwent the All-on-4 procedure for my top arch. I'm a 29-year-old female battling with chronic illness my entire life. That, paired with other factors, has caused massive tooth decay in my mouth starting very early. I have some fears regarding dental work related to a bad experience having my wisdom teeth & "12 y/o molars" being removed at 15. But I got over it and sought the treatment. Open and willing to do whatever was needed to get my smile back and be able to eat normally. I've lost over 30 pounds in the last year, and I'm basically malnourished at this point.
I went to an implant clinic local to me and financed a 20k loan for just my top arch. Thats all I can afford right now. This whole experience has been SO traumatic for me.
From being fully awake through the whole process, after I was promised that between the night before meds and morning anxiety medication along with nitrous that I would be totally out. The meds were never called into the pharmacy. I was told me they would only be available the night before for pick up. When they weren't found at any pharmacy in town , I called and their office was closed already. Nobody answered the after-hours line. So I just had to show up at 7am for my procedure without having taken them. I let them know and they told me that the nitrous should still knock me out. Which i believed to be true, past dental work with it would have me knocked out!
But I sobbed and cried and prayed for almost 6 hours while they extracted 14 teeth, it wasn't quick or easy at all, then they placed my implants. 5 of them.
All of my care has been from different providers at the same office. The dentist who I was told would be taking care of my entire process did my numbing shots then left. Someone I didn't know took over. I've never seen her in the office since that day. This has happened almost every follow up.
My pain for the first month was truly unbearable. I work 45 hours a week and they promised me I would be totally fine to work. I wasn't. I did still work without missing a single day, but that was by the grace and strength of God. Also, the demand of my huge loan payment monthy. The gum pain, nerve pain, constant intense throbbing finally subsided less than a month ago. I still get a lot of throbbing at my implant sites, but I continue to hope it's just the osseointegration that I'm feeling.
I went in weekly describing my pain and concerns and was ignored and told 'its normal". They refused to do any scans, check my stitches that never dissolved, I had to nicely demand the remove them after about a month in half because they were all untied and hanging out of my temp but also lodged underneath it.
I have almost ZERO ability to clean in between the acrylic temp and my gums. One side has space the other is smashed into my gums. Totally uneven. It even feels completely unbalanced in my mouth and moves and makes loud clicking noises. I've timed the amount of time I am cleaning and water flossing in a single day and it typically is about an hour total. Yet my mouth tastes terrible all the time. I can feel food lodged between that I'm not able to get out. I've told the dentist this every single time and I'm ignored.
I have so many questions and concerns regarding this whole experience, but most importantly is this:
Next week I start gettting fitted for my permanent teeth. I feel so insecure in my knowledge of how this is supposed to look, fit, and feel. I dont know how to properly advocate for myself and care. I always trust the experts. I'm not a dentist, they are. But I dont trust mine. He has mislead me on many things, gets angry if I say i don't want or like something. For example my current and only temp just simply doesn't fit. It looks ridiculous. I'm not the only person wo has expressed this. My entire family has said the same things. But he refused to even discuss a differnt temp that I have had to wear for months. I explained it not even the aesthetic that I can't deal with its the fit and feel. He was clearly annoyed and told me he's not making another. Mind you he prints these in office with a 3d printer. When I had something almost pertruding through my gums in the front of an implant site he wouldn't do a scan. They finally agreed to do it at my next appointment, only because it's time anyway since this would be my first scheduled "pre op" appointment. If I hadn't been there by request weekly the first two months this would've been the only time I was seen or checked in this whole process.
My screws have fallen out and been replaced. Each time this happened I asked if they would please just check underneath for trapped food and I was told No every time. With no explanation. Is this normal?!!? I truly don't know. But it doesn't feel normal or right. I paid 20k for this. I feel like I've been scammed in way.
If anyone at all could give me ANY info or advice I would be so grateful. I can elaborate more on anything needed I just don't want to ramble and complain. I just wanted my smile back and the ability to eat. Im down to 94 pounds. Eating is barely possible. They didn't tell me anything about my diet restrictions until after the implants were in. I totally get why it would be soft foods only, but I don't understand why they wouldn't tell me things like this at my consult. It's one of the many things that I feel was ignored and left out when discussing this treatment option for me.
One final thing. While adjusting my bite one day he was filing down the implants in the back. I must note that my bottom teeth aren't in great condition but I'm taking great care of them until I can afford to have them done as well. Without any warning the dentist starting filling down MY natural bottom teeth. Not just a little, noticiably even to they eye. I made many noises and waved my hands trying to get him to stop. He continued until I got loud and was pulling my head away. He removed he his hands from my mouth clearly annoyed with me. I asked "are you filing my bottom teeth?!?!' His response- "they're bad anyway". He knows that i can't afford to fix them right now. We discussed this many times. Needless to say, I left in a complete panic attack. Why was that necessary?? Or even an option to him. I now understand dental work and standards are different all over the world. I had zero issues with the ethnicity of who provided my care. But after further research I've seen many things about dental work in India and how brutal it can be. I'm truly don't mean this in a bad way. It's just what I've read in my many hours of research on the topic.
Dentists, assistants, anyone with knowledge or experience. PLEASE any info would be so helpful to me.
Please and thank you again. Sorry for the long post. This truly is the abridged version of this story sadly. I'm just read for this to be over. But I just need the results to be worth the 20k and the trauma.
edit: I don't smoke or drink at all. I can add pictures upon request and hopefully will be receiving copies of my x-rays this week. Several requests have been made by me to the office for them but I still haven't received them yet.

Hello, I had a vit d deficiency of level 6 in March 2023
I went to a doctor and requested the right dose of vit d as my deficiency was severe and I was constantly shaking and felt like I would die. The doctor prescribed me 1 injection of 6L arachitol twice a week for 4 weeks.
Then also take 8 supplements of 60k iu vitamin d
I started taking it and by the end of the injections, 1 month had passed and I developed debilitating vertigo
I went back to her and she told me continue taking vitamin d supplements and quit my job and go relax in Another country. I quit my job as I was very worried about my health at this point and the doctor scared me into it. I had a very good wfh job.
I took 4 supplements as instructed but all my bones started to hurt and I was having severe heart palpitations, night sweats and shivers at the same time. I also developed s in my neck, shoulder, above ankle and below wrist, all on he right side of my body as it's the side I took all the injections.
I googled about the dosage worrying about my symptoms and it suggested Vit d toxicity so I got the levels checked and it indeed was 109 toxicity.
So I stopped supplements and restricted calcium and decided to check it next month.
But the next month it was 127 toxicity.
Anything above 100 is toxicity as per the reports.
I developed severe body pain and my upper back cramped straight for 2 weeks and I couldn't move my upper body.
My uric acid levels were Normal, calcium was in range cause I kept avoiding it.
I went to a doctor and I was suggested to walk 1 hour a day and avoid calcium and vit d
I did so but my vertigo remained and I developed tingling and numbness all over my body and burning near all my joints and my entire head tingling and numbing.
I got several infections of the ears nose and eyes due to extreme dehydration from the overdose. I had dry mouth to the point the tongue used to stick to the roof of my mouth and dry eyes and no tear formation as well as no nasal wetness, to the point nose was scabbing.
The ENT I visited just treated me with multiple antibiotics and loaded me up on anti vertigo medicines. Which still didn't stop my vertigo
I visited a neuro and they suggested an mri "only to calm me down" cause I was over reacting and it was a brain mri and it showed a c5-c6 annular fissure and nerve indentation.
I was advised to wear a collar which I did from sept to January 2024.
My vit d was now at 36 and finally low enough but none of my swellings subsided. I haven't been able to walk properly since months or do ANYTHING as even chewing triggers the swellings.
Vertigo is mild now but still persists.
Doctors are very dismissive of everything I say and will not provide any solution for the awellings
I've been to physiotherapy as suggested by them and do exercises but my swellings only get worse by even doing the minimum
January I visited an orthopaedic again and he told me to stay home for a year and ignore myself and that I would be fine. It makes me want to off myself that they don't provide any solutions.
My family never cared about me and thinks Im over reacting but I can't look down or move, I can't draw and pursue my hobbies cause it's making my neck swell up to the point I can barely d have difficulty swallowing because of the swelling. I am severely depressed..
Ive gained weight too and they have been body shaming me. I am 5'3, I used to be petite and I think in my 40s-early 50s in kg, I am 64-66 kgs now and doctors have said it's fine but ik I'm overweight by a few kgs. I'm meant to be 57 and everyone blames my weight but I literally can't walk more than 400 steps without debilitating pain, I have walked despite the horrible pain 4000 steps a day minimum it causes a visual issue where everything around me starts moving backwards... Idk what it is but I think it's like vertigo, atleast that's what I assume. Same when I work out..
Ive been doing back pain yoga for 20 mins everyday.
It has also effected my eye sight, I had 0.5-0. 7 vision in both eyes since I was in 5th grade and it never increased and before the overdose this is what is was. But I got it checked last sep and it is now, 1.75 in each eye and I have double vision if I look at a certain angle.. And the muscles around my right eye hurt.. My eyes take time to line up together as well and focus.. I have blurry vision often..
I did some research and online via reddit it suggested that Vit d depletes vit k2 and magnesium and may help break down calcium if they're in the wrong places.
I ate blueberries for the first time in April 2024 and my neck swelling seemed less and I really thought it may all go away cause they're rich In k2 and mag.
I did all the blood tests suggested by a doctor and all of them came back normal, including arthritis tests and bone density tests.
I also requested more mris as my back and neck still hurt massively and I found out I have c4-c6 protrusions and L5-S1 bulge.. I am at a loss on what to do with myself.
I showed the ortho all the reports and requested supplements for k2 and mag and was provided a 30 day prescription for calcimax k2. I was suggested to only walk for the disc issues..
I have been taking it and the first 3 days the swellings seemed down and I experienced much less pain but it's the 5th day and my swellings are back full fledged and it's painful enough to have a panic attack..
I am at a loss and I don't know what to do, I did approach a lawyer to sue the doctor and I have been told I cannot lose in court if I do file and then the lawyer dipped and he also wants 15% and I don't have the funds cause I've been unemployed for a year
I've been working since I was 16 cause my lifes always been hell and I've had a nail fungus issue since the past 14 years and I haven't lived normally as I can't dip my hands in water as it lifts the nails off the nail bed and it's extremely painful.
Idk what to do anymore and I can't keep being strong and keep getting through this and I feel trapped.. If any one at all, a doctor or medical professional can comment on this and assist me I would really really appreciate it.

Hi everyone so I'm 25 now and started having TMJD pain when i was around 20-21. It was mostly ignorable at the time, but in 2022-23 it got a lot worse. Eating anything chewy like steak or anything hard like toast or apples causes a snapping sound (not painful though). I also sing, so if I open my mouth too wide, it gets triggered. I have managed to minimize my grinding/clenching just by being mindful of it. Self massages, and topical pain relief gels/creams have helped. Also heated/cold pads helps too.
Anyways, I got a nightguard from my dentist and it helped with grinding. I also got botox three times throughout 2023. When it wore off, I decided I wanted something more permanent rather than paying $400 every couple months.
The weird thing is this past week or so, I've felt fine. It hasn't bothered me, so I'm realizing it comes and goes in phases.
The dentist took xrays and said the small misalignments in my teeth are most likely whats causing my pain. She said this is common with people who had traditional braces. She explained everything thoroughly and said many of her patients with TMJD have found success with invisalign. It sounded good, but the price was making me think... Should I try managing the pain myself with massages, topicals, pads, etc.? Or should I go ahead and spend thousands on the invisalign? Its a pretty big decision because of the cost, so I have a lot of thinking to do. But, when the TMJ pain is really bad, it's aching 24/7 and is genuinely hell, which is making me lean towards doing it.
Also should mention I'm on my parents insurance plan which will run out at the end of the year, so I feel pressured to start the treatment ASAP

reddit
Hello everyone, I am a 22/F and work at an early childhood education center. The place I work at is privately owned by a man, but is a corporation, if that makes sense. There have been a lot of issues since working here. First off, they encourage sick children and workers to come here. If one of my kids is throwing up, running a fever, or obviously very ill, they do not make them go home. They just tell us to give the parents a courtesy call and let them know the child does not have to go home. For workers, they do not let us go home if we get sick at work. We have a stomach bug going around and 3 of my coworkers are vomiting in the classroom bathrooms or trash cans. Our directors will not let them go home because they are fever free. One time, I was running a 102.8°F temperature and vomiting. I sent them a picture of the thermometer and said I would not make it in as I was sick. They responded saying they were understaffed and needed me to come in or it could possibly result in a write up. I got a doctor’s note so they couldn’t write me up. I was out a few days. The issue is, not everyone here has a backbone and they come to work sick when the directors tell them they can’t call off. There is always something going around at work. There was another time I contracted hand foot and mouth disease. I saw the doctor on my lunch break and confirmed it. I went to my boss’s office after my break, gave her my doctor’s note and let her know I had to go home as I was contagious. She said no and made me stay the whole day. I did not know how to advocate for myself. They would not let me go. This is a major issue here. Everyone here is always sick because of it. I’m sick at least once a month. I am sick today and my boss went off on me stating that people calling off here has become normal and she is tired of it. She told me she feels like I don’t even want to be here and that I am faking sick to get out of work. She told me if I stay home today, regardless of a doctor’s note, she will write me up and I am at risk for being fired. Every time I’ve been sick I have provided a doctor’s note. I have never not provided one. My call outs have always been valid. If I am not contagious, I am here. I am here today despite being in pain and contagious, though. Another example, 4 months ago, a 13 month old girl went to the doctor. She tested positive for RSV and came back. The mother said the doctor said she needs to be out until she is fever free, but she works here and had no one to take her child, so her and her child were here. The whole school broke out in RSV, and one girl was hospitalized for a few days.
Another issue is the directors play favoritism. The directors and 9 of the teachers here always go out and party together. All of their kids are best friends. The directors let these teachers they are besties with get away with anything and everything. It took one of them smoking weed in the bathroom to get fired, despite neglecting kids. I went into her class once and her kids had not had diaper changes in 5 hours. One of the kids’ diaper was split in half. Parents were complaining about their kids having severe diaper rashes. She would also scream in their faces and chase them with a hose outside. Again, it took her smoking weed in the bathroom to get fired. But I’m at risk for being fired because I get sick a lot. I was never sick a lot before working here, by the way.
They are also really rude with the way they talk to people. One of the teachers was concerned because we were out of ratio so she called the director asking for help. The director came outside and yelled at her, saying she knows ratio and knows how to do her job and does not need help because she’s been doing it for years. Also, this school is never following QA unless QA is here.
There is probably more I’m not even thinking about right now that has happened. There is more I didn’t mention just because this is already so long. I’m just stumped at what to do, who to call? Do I just quit? I’ve been here a little over a year and I’m tired of it.
We also signed contracts stating that we have to give 60 days notice before quitting, or they can keep our last paycheck due to trauma from lack of staffing. They said they can even ask us to give more money than the last paycheck if deemed necessary. These contracts, to my knowledge, aren’t actually legal contracts since they aren’t notarized.

The world was a boozy whirl of lights and sounds. Images, broken and fragmented, came and went. Voices, laughter, screaming. The ground pitched like the deck of a tempest-tossed ship, and he felt heavy, as though the ground were pulling him to it. C’mere, Dommy. He fell, lay on the pavement, and pushed himself up again, staggering like a drunk on his way home. His head spun, his body ached, and things seemed blurry, like half-formed images glimpsed underwater.
It was the light blue hour before dawn and Dom was…somewhere. He should have recognized the stores and street signs around him, but he didn’t. His head felt like it was stuffed with cotton, and a sense of confusion gripped him so strongly that he was beginning to panic. Where was he? What happened?
The world spun away again and the next thing he knew, he was lying in a heap of garbage bags, used needles, and rubbish. He came awake with a jerk and sat up so fast that a bolt of pain jammed into his skull. He winced and pressed his hand to his forehead. He felt hot, clammy.
Something was seriously wrong.
Somehow he got to his feet again and started walking. The sun was up now and the streets were filled with people. They all sneered in disgust as he passed, and he wrapped his arms around his chest like a baby comforting itself. He was getting cold. His muscles were sore. Tears streamed down his face and he wanted to cry.
Going on instinct alone, Dom made his way back home and climbed the steps to his apartment. Exhaustion swept over him and he sagged against the door as he dug in his pocket for the keys. They shook in his hand and he had to focus really hard to get the key into the lock.
Inside, he collapsed onto the couch and his eyelids instantly drooped. He was so weary that he couldn’t lift his head, couldn’t form a single coherent thought. Dom felt himself starting to sink, and snapped his eyes open with a start. Something in his soul told him that if he slept, he would die.
He couldn’t help it, though. He was falling, tumbling, hands reaching up from hell to grab him. His eyes fluttered closed again and the world started to go dark, his heart slamming in fear. He tried to fight, but the pull of darkness was too strong, too alluring. Why was he fighting? Why not just…give up? Hadn’t he thought of killing himself before? Didn’t he hate his life and himself? What was there to fight for? A wife? Kids? A community that loved and respected him? Shit, affordable groceries?
No.
There was nothing.
He had nothing and was nothing.
A sense of peace blossomed from the darkness, and suddenly death didn’t seem so scary. In fact, it was warm…inviting.
It was life that was cold and hateful. Not death.
Death accepted you no matter who you were. It didn’t reject you…it didn’t ignore you. If you sought it, you would find it, and if you embraced it, it would embrace you.
With that thought in mind, Dom gave up.
And died.
***
Bruce Kenner, captain of the 5th Albany precinct, sat behind his desk on the morning of June 28 and lazily leafed through a stack of files as he sipped from a mug of coffee. A roughly built man with a dark goatee and graying blonde hair, he looked more like a small town southern sheriff than a low level public works functionary. In fact, he tended to act like it too. He liked to hunt, fish, and drink beer on his off time. Albany wasn’t a big city, but it was big enough that you never got a fucking break. Run here, run there, arrest this asshole, investigate that asshole. By the time Friday rolled around, he was so ready for the peace and tranquility of a fishing trip he could taste it.
Already this Monday morning, he was looking forward to another one.
Over the weekend, three kids went missing in the Pine Hills and Washington Park area, bringing the total for that summer up to eight. All were teenagers, all were troubled. Most were boys, but two were girls.
Troubled kids run away all the time. They might be gone a few days, sulking at a friend’s house over something their father or mother did, but they’d eventually come home. None of these kids had come back yet and from what he knew, a few of them weren’t the runaway types. They were shits at school and caused problems, but they had no reason to up and leave. Hell, Bruce himself raised hell as a kid, but he always found his way back home, even if he spent the previous night dying in a field from Mad Dogg 20/20 poisoning.
One or two kids going missing…okay, it happens. Eight? Over a span of four weeks?
Yeah, something was wrong here.
But what?
There was nothing on any of these kids. No one saw them, no one knew anything - one minute they were here, the next they weren’t. What could he or anyone else do with that?. The public broke cops’ balls all the time, but if you don’t have evidence, you don’t have evidence. What do you want? Door to door searches? Roadblocks? Dogs and helicopters? Yeah, then when you actually do it, they cry fascism. Guess I’ll just use my Spidey Senses.
Bruce wished he had spidey senses. He wanted to find these kids as much as anyone, and he was starting to get pissed off that he couldn’t. He took another sip from his mug and read on. The latest kids to go missing were three boys between the ages of fourteen and eighteen.
They were all white, all thin (except for one). If there was a serial killer in town - and Bruce hoped to fuck there wasn’t - he had a type. What, black kids aren’t good enough to kill, cannibalize, and wear like a skin suit? They should charge him with a hate crime for discrimination.
That way he’d actually stay locked up.
The door opened and Vanessa Rodregiez, his deputy, came in. A tall, shapely Hispanic woman with dark eyes and a mouth poised always on the edge of a smile, she wore her black hair in a ponytail that would look stern and severe on anyone else, but on her, looked childlike. She was twenty-seven and had been on the force for three years, but you could be forgiven for thinking her much younger. “Bright and early, I see,” she said with a grin.
Bruce grumbled.
Vanessa held down the fort during the graveyard shift, acting to the night as he acted to the day. She was young and full of energy, which clashed with Bruce, who was old and just wanted to be left alone. Despite their differences, Bruce loved her like a kid sister…an annoying kid sister he wanted to throat punch sometimes.
“You missed all the fun last night,” she said and parked her butt on the edge of Bruce’s desk. He glared at her, but she ignored him.
“Good,” he said. Then: “What happened?”
“Big fight outside of Club Vlad,” she said. “It looked like a WorldStar video.”
For a moment, Bruce was lost. “Club what?”
“Club Vlad,” Vanessa said. “Where the Fuze Box used to be.”
Ah, right. The Fuze Box was an Albany landmark, a night club for punks…or goths…or someone. Certainly not for Bruce Kenner. It was small, dingy, and always had people in black waiting outside. On Friday and Saturday nights, it blasted strange music with lyrics about fighting The Man. Kids had been fighting the Man since before Bruce was even born and they hadn’t beaten him yet. Kudos to them for still trying.
Last year, The Fuze Box closed down and someone else bought it. It reopened last month and looked more or less the same: Posers, shitty music, and spiked hair. So much spiked hair. “Place is still a pain in the ass,” Bruce said.
“Yep,” Vanessa chirped. “It doesn’t know what it wants to be now. One minute they play nightcore, the next EDM. It’s all over the place.”
Bruce raised a quizzical brow.
“Not that I’ve ever been there in my free time,” Vanessa said in a tone that suggested she had,
Bruce gave a judgemental hum.
“Anyway,” Vanessa went on, “you see we have some new missing persons?”
Sighing, Bruce sat back in his chair. “Yeah. I did.”
“People are starting to ask questions,” Vanessa warned.
That brought a terse smile to Bruce’s weathered face. “Maybe they’ll solve it then.”
“Ha, fat chance,” Vanessa said. She got up and stretched. “Anyway, I’m bushed. Here’s my…” she trailed off and looked at her empty hands. “Damn, where’s my report? I just had it?” She turned in a confused circle as if she might be able to spot her report making a break for it. “Huh,” she said. She left the office and came back a moment later holding a folder. “Found it,” she grinned.
Bruce just looked at her.
“Um…here it is.”
He didn’t take it.
Her smile faltered. She carefully sat it on top of the files Bruce was looking at.
And his hands.
“I’ll just leave that right here.” She patted it for good measure.
“Thank you,” Bruce said.
“Okay. Night.”
“Goodnight,” Bruce said as she left through a shaft of morning sunlight. Alone, Bruce sat her report aside and went back to the missing kids. This case was giving him a headache and it wasn’t even nine. With a deep sigh, he slumped back in his chair and drummed his fingers on the armrests.
Was it Saturday yet?
He could really use a fishing trip.
***
Dom came awake in the cold purple twilight with a shocked gasp like a man coming up seconds before drowning. His eyes strained from his sweaty face and his mouth hung slack, twisted in a gruesome parody of The Scream. His mind was muddled, murky - he didn’t know where he was or even who he was, but he knew this,.
He couldn’t breathe.
He opened and closed his mouth like a fish, but his lungs did not fill with air. A great, unseen weight seemed to bear down on his chest, and panic gripped him. He tried to move, but his arms refused to heed his brain’s command. The weight seemed heavier, all over, crushing him like a bug. Confusion filled him and he started to pant.
Without warning, his bowels and bladder loosened, and horrible wetness filled his pants. He tried to sit up, but his body felt like it weighed a thousand pounds. His chest rose and fell with the frantic labor of his breath, but his lungs remained inert. A cry of fear bubbled up inside of him, but escaped his mouth only as a breathy groan.
A bust of adrenaline shot through him and he tried to stand, but succeeded only in falling off the couch instead, landing face first against the cold tile floor. He felt his nose crunch, but the pain was muted.
Dom thought he lost consciousness after that, but wasn’t sure. His next memory was of shivering so violently that his teeth clacked together. A phantom chill - perhaps from the floor - had settled into his bones, and was colder than he had ever been in his life, colder even than the time he fell into a snowbank and got lost when he was two. Shudders racked his body, and though he tried to turn over, he was too fucking heavy. It was like every muscle in his body had turned to dead weight. Fragmented thoughts swirled in his head, faint colors in the dark, but he couldn’t put any of them together.
With great effort, he managed to push himself slightly up, but a wave of lightheadedness crashed over him and he lowered his head once more. He stopped trying and simply lay there. Shortly, his eyes began to burn and he realized that he wasn’t blinking. Jesus Christ, he wasn’t blinking.
For some strange reason, that brought a fresh bout of panic. He started to hyperventilate, but his lungs still wouldn’t work. He wasn’t blinking…he wasn’t breathing…what was happening to him?
A whimper burst from his throat and he started to cry.
He must have cried himself to sleep, because he woke sometime later to the most intense headache he’d ever had. It felt like something was eating his brain from the inside out. He was sore all over, and could feel his muscles twitching, as though a thousand living things were burrowing through his body. A cramp shot down his right leg, and the toes of his left foot curled involuntarily. Slowly, his jaw clenched closed, and the muscles in his neck began to strain…then to burn. His panic turned to terror, and Dom wiggled across the floor like a worm, his limbs screaming in red agony and his brain filling with heat. He somehow wound up on his right side, and his arms curled slowly up to his chest, crossing at the wrists like a mummy. He tried to pull them apart, but the slightest movement sent waves of excruciating pain cutting through his body. His knees began to draw up to his stomach, and his fingers clenched tightly.
Cramps and spasms attacked every muscle in his body. He screamed through his teeth and shook, resembling a man in the electric chair as 40,000 volts of justice coursed through him. The pain grew gradually, getting worse and worse as minutes ticked by like hours. Higher, higher, higher - he clenched his eyes closed and shrieked as it became unbearable. Disjointed thoughts flashed through his mind - prayers, threats, curses, Jesus fucking…FUCK.
What was happening? God, what was happening to him? Was it fentanyl? He’d seen videos of people high on fentanyl, and they leaned in weird positions. He didn’t do drugs but maybe he ingested it somehow.
His panic may have returned if all of his muscles hadn’t picked that moment to contract as one. His eyes bulged from their sockets and his jaw unclenched just enough for him to utter a high. Agonized scream that echoed through his empty apartment like thunder.
A human being can only take so much before giving out. When the pain reached a crescendo, and Dom mercifully sank into consciousness once more. The sun rose and cascaded through the apartment’s sole window, falling over his huddled form. Slowly, it tracked across the sky before setting again. As the last rays disappeared behind the horizon, Dom’s eyes opened. The pain of the night before was blessedly gone, replaced by a feeling of numbness - the cool ash after the hot fire. His thoughts were slow and thick like molasses, but he could actually think again. Nightmare memories flooded back to him, but he wasn’t sure they were real. He was lying on his side, his arms wrapped around his chest as if for warmth, and his teeth lightly chattered against the icy chill. He was so cold that he didn’t want to move, but he couldn’t stay here forever. He needed help. He needed…
A shower.
Yeah, a hot shower. That would warm him up.
Gritting his teeth, he slowly sat up, ready for a burst of pain.
But none came.
He did, however, feel heavy. Getting to his feet, he stumbled and nearly fell, catching himself against the counter. His limbs had no feeling. It’s like they weren’t even there. Head hung, Dom tried to catch his breath, but it felt like he wasn’t breathing at all. His eyelids drooped closed and he felt like he was going to fall down. Summoning all the might he could, he shuffled into the bathroom with the stiff gait of an old man. He snapped the light on, and cold, white brilliance filled the space, blinding him.
Leaning heavily against the sink, he gripped the cold porcelain. Suddenly, he was afraid of looking into the mirror. He was sure that whatever reflection he saw, it would be of something else, something monstrous.
Dom lifted his head and faced the glass.
His heart shrank.
The man in the mirror was him but different. His skin was white as milk, lacking all color whatsoever save for the ugly purple patch on the left side. IResembling a giant bruise, it started at the temple and extended down to the slope of his neck, disappearing beneath his T-shirt. He gingerly lifted the shirt, and moaned when he saw that his entire left side was discolored, the purple edged with a puffy shade of pink. His sallow skin clung tight to his ribcage, and his hip bones stuck out so much it looked painful. Back in the mirror, his cheeks were sunken, hollow, and his eyes were a hazy, dishwater gray. His skull seemed bigger, his hair longer. Dom wanted to whip his head away from the phantom before him, to never see it again, but he was transfixed.
There was no way that thing was -
Dom looked away, cutting that thought off before it could finish.
A shower.
He needed a shower.
Slowly, stiffly, Dom undressed, peeling off his shirt and his soiled pants. He dropped them in a heap on the floor and stepped under the spray. He could feel the water pounding against him, but it provided no heat. It was neither hot nor cold. It was simply there.
Dom pressed his head to the slick shower wall and stood there for a long time. He was spent, tired, and fried - he had no more emotions left to give. He got out after a little while, dried off, and put on a clean pair of shorts. He settled into bed and lay there with his hands folded over his chest and his eyes open. They felt gritty, dry. His stomach felt bloated, gassy. He was drowsy now, the weight of the past two days (or was it two weeks?) coming down on him all at once. He closed his eyes and fell asleep.
He was still asleep - but aware - when the knocking on his door started the next morning. Time was funny in this state of being, fast and jerky but also slow and echoing. Keys rattled the knob turned. The landlord came in with a cop. They saw him on the bed, laid out like a corpse for a viewing, and the cop radioed in a code 35. Soon, cops were all around him, making noise and touching things. He had the vague sense of discomfort and embarrassment at the intrusion. A baling man in a suit stood over him, a cop who looked like a redneck beside him. “He didn’t die here,” the medical examiner said.
The cop looked at him questioningly. Dom caught the name KENNER on his name tag.
“See this?” the M.E. said and gestured to Dom’s face. “That’s livor mortis. When you die, your blood pools at the lowest point. If you’re on your left side, for example, it pools on the left.”
Kenner looked at Dom and then back to the M.E. “Someone moved him?”
“Looks like it,” the M.E. said.
“When did he die?”
The M.E. examined Dom as though he were nothing more than a side of beef. “At a glance? Three days. I won’t have a better answer until I open him up.”
Dom was still awake when they put him into a body bag and zipped it up. He felt a stirring of fear beneath the cold numbness, but he was too tired to worry about it now.
Later, he thought.
He would panic later.
For now, Dom slept.

hi, im 17 f who went through a tonsillectomy on may 1st due to having inflamed tonsils on and off for over a year. throughout my recovery i would go on here to read peoples experiences so i wanted to share mine.
day 1 (surgery day): after the surgery, the pain was a 2/10 hence being on anesthesia. i talked directly after the surgery; it only felt a bit uncomfortable. once i got home, i took 2 tylenol and ate tomato soup.
day 2: i had a small fever at midnight which was so horrible…. i did take 2 tylenol to be able to sleep. once i woke up, pain was really starting to kick in, 6/10. id describe the pain as a VERY awful strep throat. it honestly just really hurts to swallow. i ate left over tomato soup for breakfast. mashed potatoes for lunch and dinner. i tried hydrocodone but i had such a bad experience with it (i felt so nauseous and was shaking really badly) so i decided to not take it at all for the rest of my recovery.
day 3: the pain was so bad i deadass was begging to be killed, 8/10 (dramatic ik). i was struggling to eat my food that i ended up crying. i wasnt eating or drinking enough fluids that i felt so weak and nauseous. i am not kidding when i say this, EAT YOUR FOODDDD!!!!!! even though it hurts to swallow trusttttt meeeeee, itll all be worth it in the end.
day 4: I SNEEZED for the first time and i felt like my entire throat was about to go up on flames!!!!! for breakfast i ate left over mac n cheese. for lunch i attempted eating a sandwich (no crusts, SOFT bread, mayo, and ham) and it went pretty fine. make sure to REALLY chew down your food!! pain was about a 6/10
day 5: the pain was incredibly manageable 2/10 in the morning although during the afternoon things started getting a bit bad…... 7/10. in the morning and dinner i ate some mac n cheese yet again and downed it with some cold gatorade. i started getting some teethaches but it seemed to be normal since its part of the nerves connected to the tonsils (or where they used to be lol)
day 6: 12/10. woke up in excruciating pain. i was aware that things were about to get really horrible. seeing as peoples worst days ranged from day 5 to day 9. i took my usual intake of tylenol. i barely ate anything because the pain was just horrible. drinking wategatorade was such a pain as well. the right side of my throat seemed to have some blood coming out (it wasn’t too much but it made me worry a bit).
day 7: kept waking up in the middle of the night drenched in sweat. pain was about 8/10. checked my throat and the blood on the right side was completely gone. scabs are starting to form. started to crave hard foods (the struggle is unreal). whenever id drink water, gatorade or chew on popsicles, my throat would BURN.
day 8: i slept for an entire night straight without waking up once in the middle of the night. i say that is PROGRESS!!!! when i woke up the pain was not so bad 3/10. i was craving taco bell so i got a beefy 5 layer burrito since i know their burritos are soft!!! it was THE BEST ive eaten since this recovery im telling you omg… i drank a whole water bottle afterwards too… pain feels mild, not unbearable or unused too.
day 9-14: 4/10 throughout these days!! been able to sleep without any struggles. ive also been eating somewhat solids things like sandwiches, pizzas, hot chips (dyanmites, hot fries). yawnings, sneezing, and burping have been my hell.
i want to say that although i was SOMEWHAT just fine using tylenol, it might not be the case for everyone else. the same goes for food, i know some people don’t do well with dairy based foods such as mac n cheese. eat what you feel most comfortable eating but make sure it is soft and mild cold (do NOT eat anything hot/hard/spicy/salty/sugary)! i know its hard for people to talk during this but i talked the majority of my recovery (nurses encouraged it). id also like to note that id randomly eat ice pops and put an ice pack under my chin. id keep track of taking 2 tylenol every 4-5 hours (i recommend that you do as well because its literal hell when you dont). everyone deals with pain differently. just know you’ll be okay and all this pain you’re going through right now will all be worth it in the end.

What am I doing? Dominick Mason asked himself for the hundredth time that night. It was late on a rainy Sunday evening and Dom, a tall, lanky man-boy of twenty-five with a prominent Adam’s apple and too big eyes, stared out the rain-slicked window of the 905. The big bus swayed and jostled as it lumbered down Central Avenue, the movements strangely comforting, conducive to reflection…and self-doubt.
As if on cue, his phone buzzed, and a pit opened up in his stomach. He fumbled it out with long fingers and read the text. Are u almost here
His thumb hovered over the screen, but he did not reply. Part of him wanted to block the number, slink back home with his tail between his legs, and forget the whole thing. He could boot up his PS4 and play Red Dead Redemption or GTA V like always. Safe. Familiar. The thought, however, stirred a strange feeling in the pit of his stomach.
It was dread.
Every night, he did the same thing. He came home from work to his tiny prison cell apartment. He had a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. He played video games until it was time to go to bed. The worst part of the whole night was when he turned off the TV and saw his murky reflection in the screen. Plaid. Scrawny. Disgusting. He hated being locked in that apartment, with its old smells and white walls, but he hated going out even more. At least in his hole, he was safe, like a mouse. No one hurt or lied to him there. No one gave him funny looks. No one rejected him. He was completely safe in his solitude, a wounded animal hiding in its den and licking its wounds.
He was wounded and he knew it.
And he hated himself for it. Hated that he wasn’t stronger or better. Hated that even though he tried so hard, everything he did fell apart…if it even came together in the first place, which it rarely did.
The phone buzzed again.
Just a question mark this time.
His heart began to race and a steely fist slowly closed around his lungs. He shifted uncomfortably in his seat and took a deep breath. He pictured himself alone in his little apartment. He loved the image, but he hated it too. Most nights, he didn’t mind being alone. He had to not mind it, because he didn’t have a choice. Some nights…some nights he didn’t want to be alone. Some nights he wanted warmth, he wanted tenderness…some nights, he wanted to be human.
Every so often, Dom would get the urge to find those things. They came less frequently than they did before, but unfortunately, they still came. He would create an account on Plenty of Fish and OKCupid, maybe some of the other sites as well. He would agonize over his stupid intro and his stupid list of hobbies. He would spend hours - literally hours - writing and rewriting them, trying at first to be serious, then light and funny, then cool, then aloof, then vulnerable. He would take the best possible pictures from the best possible angles, then upload them, never lingering over them because he hated the way he looked. He didn’t think he was ugly - mid was more like it - but apparently, he was ugly. Too ugly for love, too ugly even to talk to.
The ugly barnacle. So ugly that everyone died. The end.
All of Dom’s pictures were all selfies, of course. Guys he listened to on YouTube said he needed action shots, shots with friends, shots that showed women he had a life, was valued by those around him, and knew how to have fun. Too bad for him, he had no friends and no one valued him, not even his own mother. On the surface, maybe, but she had hurt him so many times over the years in so many ways that even the most devout son would stop and think.
It had to be selfies.
When his profile was in order - or as much in order as he could get it - he would start to browse. Dom knew his place and never messaged women who were too beautiful. He used to, but they never responded. He eventually began to skip their profiles with a pang of loss and a quiet what if? Now, he barely noticed them. Blonde. Petite. Blue eyes. Maybe she was a cheerleader at one time, maybe she was the type of girl who looked down her nose at guys like him. Maybe she was a sweetheart. In any case, he would never find out, so who cares?
He went for women he could realistically obtain…the type of women he’d dated and hooked up with in the past. Some were attractive in their own way, others were hard to look at, he wasn’t picky; he couldn’t afford to be picky. One woman he saw was a good three hundred pounds. She was nice and he liked her enough, but he lapsed into depression while they were dating and he never messaged her back…not that she made a huge effort to message him. Another was a pre-K teacher in her mid-thirties. Overweight with a big nose, glasses, and a plain face when she wasn’t wearing make-up. He liked her a lot and wanted to be with her, but after a month of weekend hookups, she said she didn’t love him. She told him she wanted a family - three kids, to be exact - but “changed her mind.” No, she didn’t. She just didn’t want those things with him.
Now she was in her late thirties, single, and having regrets.
She still wouldn’t settle for him, though.
Another woman he’d seen recently (six months ago) was fifty, but not unattractive. They texted for weeks, hot and heavy. She outright told him that she wanted to have sex with him. Said all sorts of nasty and sexual things. Their first (and only date) was her coming to his apartment. Instead of tender kisses, loving caresses, and intense emotions, they shared an awkward two hours on his couch. When he tried to hold her hand and put his arm around her, she stiffened. Not much, just a little. She said she “wasn’t ready.” He sat there and watched the flowers he’d gotten her wilt as she talked about her ex for an hour and a half, his arms pointedly crossed. He even leaned as far away from her as humanly possible, trying to communicate with his body language what he didn’t have the guts to communicate with his words: I’m uncomfortable, please leave. He planned to take her to a nice restaurant after they made love. Instead, he ordered something after she finally got the hint and left, eating alone like always.
After her, he deleted his profile (again) and resolved to never bother with dating again. Obviously there was something wrong with him. He saw guys who were uglier and more awkward than him with girlfriends, some actually stunning, but there was something about him in particular, something that repelled women…and men too.
Everyone.
It repelled everyone.
Maybe it was his self-loathing. After all, no one likes a sad sack. But that’s the thing: He was like this because of those experiences. It was a what came first, the chicken or the egg situation. Looking back, he had almost normal confidence at one point. Then all of this happened. The hundreds of messages he sent on the dating apps staying on read, unanswered, like he never sent them at all, like he was garbage unworthy of even a hello. The awkward dates. The occasional “success” that eventually fell apart…sometimes because of him, and sometimes because of them. The one girl who ran away from him when he tried to walk her to her car after a date. They didn’t click, he knew that, but he didn’t say or do anything creepy. Why did she do that? The girls who lead him on, talking about sex and sometimes even love but always had a reason they couldn’t meet.
There were other examples - many others - but it was all the same. Who cared?
Dom wanted to crawl back into his hole and stay there, to stop poking his head out and getting hurt. He wanted it so bad…but he was only human. Deep down, buried beneath layer after layer of scar tissue, there was still hope. Hope for love, for companionship, for acceptance, for intimacy and human touch. It was only an ember now, but even an ember is enough to spark a fire.
Some nights, he wanted to be safe. Other nights, he wanted to take a risk.
And this night was one of the latter.
Be there soon, he texted. He swallowed hard and wetted his lips. His heart was pounding faster and his bowels were loose. He really hoped this worked out. He didn’t think he could handle another rejection. If she turned him down, he’d probably go home and kill himself. Why go on like this?
He’d had that thought before…but he never followed through.
Maybe one day he’d actually shut the fuck up and do it already.
Maybe.
Ok :)
Her name was Heather and she was fat. She was not unattractive in the face and she wore her weight well, not that that mattered - he would take what he could get. They started talking on OKCupid last week and very soon, the conversation became sexual. He didn’t start it, though, she did. She was ahem very excited, she said. He liked to think that she was lonely, desperate, and wanted intimacy - any intimacy - just like him.
That really turned him on.
They agreed to meet, and now here he was, on the bus to her apartment on the other side of the city, hoping against hope that she didn’t hurt him too.
He put the phone away and stared straight ahead. The bus was nearly deserted, save for an old bag lady up front and a few Mexican guys in the back. Lights lined the bus’s roof, providing a cold, impersonal light. Dom took a deep breath and forced his dark emotions away. It was all on him to make this work. He would accept her fat, ugly, poor, and crippled, but he had to work to earn her love. He could do it.
When the bus finally reached his stop, he yanked the cord and got off. There was a plexiglass shelter lit by a single, lonely bulb. Trash littered the ground. Beyond the shelter, a park lay in darkness. Behind him, on the other side of the road, a housing project not unlike his own towered into the sky, lit up like a ship at sail. Dom swallowed his nerves and crossed the street. He found the door that she had directed him to use, and climbed the stairs. He expected trash, graffiti, and winos passed out on every landing. Instead, the stairwell was clean and deserted. His nerves welled as he climbed but he forced them down again. On the ninth floor, he went down the hall, battered on all sides by the stale smells of cooking and the murmur of TVs and voices coming from every apartment.
Dom paused at Apartment 237.
Heather’s.
You got this, he told himself.
And really, he did. Their plan - well, Heather’s, really - was simple and straightforward. She told him that she would leave the door unlocked. He was to come in, go to the bedroom, and she would be waiting for him. She said it was a fantasy of hers.
On some level, he knew all along that the whole setup sounded fishy. Was he being set up to get robbed? Would he walk in and get jumped by a bunch of Crips? He hesitated, but his need for love - and, yes, release - pushed him on.
He opened the door.
Inside, the apartment was small and messy, a living room to the right and a tiny kitchen to the left. The only light on was the one above the stove.
Everything else was in shadows.
Dom’s heart skipped a beat.
This didn’t feel right.
That thought was overpowered by the smell, a sickly sweet odor that suddenly seemed to be everywhere. His stomach twisted and he turned his head slightly to one side, as if to spare his nose. It smelled like something spoiled.
A voice spoke from the darkness, startling him. “I’m in here.”
It was light, airy, and cute.
For the last time, Dom hesitated. Some primal sense told him to turn around and leave…
…but he wanted to be loved.
Dom entered and shut the door behind him.
The smell was stronger. The atmosphere darker.
Ahead, he could barely make out an open doorway in the shadows.
He crossed to it.
The smell was overpowering here and Dom felt like he was going to puke. Any desire he had felt was gone, replaced only by revulsion and claustrophobia. It was cold, he realized, so cold that his teeth chattered.
Okay, fuck this.
He started to turn around, intent on leaving, but a small, white hand reached from the darkness. Icy fingertips brushed his cheek and his heart blasted into his throat.
Then she was there, her body pressing against his and her lips fused with his. The smell, the freezer chill, both stronger than ever.
They were both coming from her.
Her tongue hungrily lashed his own, and she pushed him against the wall. Her hands slipped under his shirt and pressed flat against his chest. They were so cold that he almost cried out.
Dom wanted to push her away, to run, but he didn’t. Instead, he froze up and allowed her to push him onto the bed. Was he too gutless to tell her no, the way he’d been too gutless to tell the woman who went on and on about her ex to shut up and leave? Did he secretly want to go through with this? He didn’t know, and he didn’t have time to figure it out. She was on top of him now, straddling him, his legs caged between her ample thighs. She grabbed his hands and pressed them to her bare breasts.
They were as cold as the rest of her.
She leaned down and kissed him again. He hadn’t noticed it before, but her tongue was…dry. Her mouth itself tasted strange. Off.
Heather broke from his lips and peppered kisses on his cheek and forehead, assaulting him with an intimacy that Dom no longer wanted.
Through it all, she was as silent as a tomb. She wasn’t panting or rasping with excitement. In fact, he didn’t think she was even breathing.
She brushed her lips along the exposed curve of his throat, and tingles of revulsion shot down his spine. She found his pulse and kissed it. Trembles of excitement raced through her body and she started to lap his neck like a dog.
Without warning, a fiery pinprick of pain exploded over him and Heather began to shake and pant. Dom cried out and tried to fight her off, but she was too heavy, too much.
With a tiny, mouse-like squeak - a sound of pitiable fear and resignation - Dom blacked out.

(sorry this is long, I just started and couldn’t stop)
I'm a 57F professional working as a Contracts Specialist for a large Tech Company. I discovered I have total Aphantasia about 2 months ago. I hate saying it that way, I "have" Aphantasia. It sounds like a disease or something. Still working on a way to word that when I share this with people who have never heard of it.
I have spent the months doing as much reading and self-searching as possible. I immediately felt relief when I discovered what Aphantasia is and have never had the feeling that I am missing out by not seeing the images, but I can sure understand why some would feel that way. For me it was the answer to questions I have been asking myself all my life. I just found out "I'm not crazy" AND "I'm not alone". I've never posted anything like this before, but when I joined, reading things like this from others when they first find out they are an Aphant was very helpful.
Some things I have thought about since learning this about myself.
Psychology Profession and Memory Loss - I have known I have a bad memory since I was a kid, I never understood why I couldn't remember things until someone "triggered" the memory. Once triggered, I can remember things fairly well. As many young adults, I had some issues adjusting to college life and chose to seek help with a professional. This was my first experience with being told I must be repressing a traumatic experience from my childhood. We spent many months/years and many tears trying to determine what that could be. Now I should add I was abused as a child and had remembered and dealt with that. My parents ended up shipping me off to my Grandparents to get away from her influence. But answer me this, if I remembered it and dealt with it and no longer had negative consequences from it, why didn’t my memory get better? Over the years I have seen a couple other therapists that wanted to concentrate on repressed memories because of my memory. I went along for a while but finally became convinced that there were no other memories to find. But that profession took a lot of my money, time and emotional wellbeing - yet nothing was ever discovered. I doubted people in my life that I never should have. Now I believe Aphantasia should be a part of all professional training for mental health wellness. I'm old, so maybe it is now??
Fake Memories - After experiencing this kind of high pressure "therapy" I can totally understand how people create fake memories. So many thoughts and details were provided during these sessions, I could have easily started to "make" things up and that leads to believing it happened in that environment. As a woman, I am always looking to please people, I tried to please my therapists. Aphantasia or not, false memories are not as hard to plant as you might think especially when that person is trying to make you happy.
Being Present - This has been a big thing the last few years. People pushing for you to be present in your life. Professionals have also mentioned that my memory issues may be due to the fact that I have never "been present" in my life. It took a few sessions to understand what the hell they meant and then spent much time trying to "be present" and I the only thing I determined is that I have always "been present" as best I can! I stopped going to therapists after this one.
Objects & Memories - I now understand why I have been holding on to things that most people would have let go of by now. For instance I have a large stuffed animal collection and have always told my husband I could not get rid of any of them as each one is a trigger for a good memory. I am afraid if I get rid of it, that memory will be lost forever. If the memory really does go away, then I can get rid of that object. If there is no memory trigger, it's pretty easy to let go. Same with taking photos, I have a better understanding of why I always had my camera out. Without a picture, did it really happen? Not in my memory!
Deep Connections - Aphantasia may be a factor in my perception as to why I cannot make deep connections with people. Because my brain does not pepper me with visions and thoughts of loved ones, I don't think about other people very often. I don't know what people mean when they say "I miss you". I truly am an OUT OF SIGHT OUT OF MIND lifer. When I have expressed to others that I feel that way, I have been told they feel a deep connection and don't know what I would mean by deeper. Now I believe since I don't think about others often, I've just convinced myself over the years that my feelings must not be deep. If it were deep, wouldn’t I be on their minds like I am on theirs? I am starting to understand things a bit differently now, I love and care DEEPLY for the people in my life, I'm just not triggered to remember them.
Learning/Training - I have always had issues with classroom learning. I have trouble concentrating on what is being presented unless there is some kind of hands-on activity associated with the training. I recently moved to a new position at work, I used to be a corporate trainer. To start my new position there was a large learning curve. I found when someone one told me something about the job I needed to see it or even better perform the task myself. That is not always available in training situations. It has taken a while to get up to speed in this position and I was doing a great job of beating myself up about not catching on quickly. I must be getting old, I thought. I was usually frustrated as a trainer when I had to train people my age, they just didn't seem to "get it" when others did. Well here's my payback, now I have to learn and I'm the one not "getting it". I do really wish I had known about Aphantasia/Hypophantasia/Hyperphantasia while I was a trainer. I think about all the improvements I could make on the material if I knew how the student's memory worked. I never really used much visual assistance, other than performing the task in front of them, and now I think that would have been helpful for "normal" memory types. The good thing about my memory is that once I understand WHY something is done, I've got it, it's in the vault. I actually do better than most others once that lightbulb goes off. Sometimes it just takes a while to really have that understanding. I am very detail oriented and technical; I can pick up computer operating systems quickly, they make sense.
Face/People Recognition - I have a hard time identifying characters in a movie, especially if they are wearing similar clothing or haricuts. I even have difficulty remembering my waitperson after talking to them directly. I usually remember if they were Female or Male, but not always. If I need something from them, I am awful at locating my wait person. I usually end up asking some random employee. Once I am familiar with the person, I will recognize them, but there has to be some kind of connection made. This has proven to cause quite a bit of embarrassment when I run into someone I have met and have zero recollection of who they are or where I met them. Unfortunately, this has happened more than a handful of times. It makes the other person feel bad and that's the last thing I want to do.
Another thing I noticed that I believe fits in this section, is how people can imitate others. I now understand how they can do that; they actually have a mental image of that person doing something. They can see them moving, hear them talking and then interpret that to an imitation. That was one of the many lightbulbs that went off in my head while researching Aphantasia. I mean how does someone tell a sketch artist what someone looked like after a crime? Not only face blindness but adrenaline flowing as well. But some people can remember down to the angle of their eyes and shape of the mouth. That has always been such a mystery to me, how can people do that? Now I understand, they actually SEE the face.
Processing Information - One thing I have been wondering is if Aphantasia has anything to do with how fast my brain processes information on the regular. I have been called a fast thinker when I come to a conclusion quickly and process what is in front of me quicker than others. I notice this when playing games, learning and putting things together during a conversation. I have the ability to see the big picture which allows me to put things in place and make decisions quickly. It drives me crazy when it takes my mom 5 mins to make a move in a game. I can understand that a bit better now, so learning this about myself has also helped me understand others. Others have all kinds of images they are needing to process to decide. And after sharing my findings with my family I have determined that my mom is a Hyperphantasic. Her memory is amazing, she remembers everything from her childhood from 4yrs on. I've always been jealous of that kind of memory.
I even understand how Chess works and what they mean by look ahead 5 moves.
Psychedelics - In the Aphantasia community, I have FINALLY found kindred spirits when it comes to experimenting with certain drugs. Aspirin, Antihistamines, pain killers and other prescribed drugs work just fine. But when I have taken any illicit psychedelics, nothing happens. The first time I noticed I was not as affected as others was in college. I just figured everyone else was really exaggerating and I wasn't interested in trying again. But I have since tried experimenting again with my husband who has gotten into Microdosing. We thought it would be interesting to take a recreational dose. He had an awesome time with lots of visuals and motion. For me, nothing. I could make the grass or a picture on the wall get "movement" but nothing like what he was experiencing. Decided to try again, this time with my sister and husband. I took a double dose this time just to make sure I would feel something. Nope, nothing. I have tried up to 10g at a time with nothing (DO NOT TRY THIS AT HOME, DONE BY A PROFESSIONAL). I have never heard of anyone else having this kind of experience until I joined this group. There have been several people indicate they have similar experiences including one who even called out that they don't feel anything more than a minor wavey feeling.
Now I think it is probably for the same reason we don't have a "minds eye". Some synapses somewhere are not sparking normally. I do believe for some Aphants, this does actually lead to some visual or other sensory experiences they have not had before. But for some of us, we don't have the ability to "Trip". This is probably the only thing I have found that I don't like about Aphantasia. I have been able to put a positive spin on most of what I have found, but I do wish I could experience that feeling others have while taking a "Trip".
Where do you see yourself in 10 years? – This is a question that I have had to answer many times in my career, it is one of the favorite questions asked during an interview. I’ve never been good at answering that question. Others would provide great details on where they see themselves going, but I have never had the ability to look that far ahead. I don’t see myself anywhere specifically, I tend to follow the opportunities that come my way.
In conclusion (yes finally almost done) I've gone 57 years telling myself I can improve my memory, "I'll remember that if I really think hard" but I never do. Or I try to make sure I am "Present" so I can remember, nope, doesn’t help either. Now that I have an answer that explains my brain is acting differently than most people, I don't kid myself anymore. I'm just not going to remember and that's OK, that's how my brain works and part of who I am. There is nothing I can do about it, no more wasted time working on my memory!!
I can honestly say I am grateful to learn about this memory process and for the ability to move on from difficult situations. There are many more things I could get into, but that would be an even bigger book. My sister can get stuck on something that is difficult for her to get past, the images of bad things “haunt” her. For me, as soon as the actual event is over, it may take a few days depending on the severity, it is buried and does not "pop in" and bring me back. If only I had known this when I was younger, I can only imagine what I could have accomplished! I imagine my self-doubt/hate could have been less with this information as well as the therapist bills that could have been saved. This is such important knowledge, I am so happy to see research being done!! I only hope the information continues to spread so more people are aware. I don’t know if all the things above are in direct relation to Aphantasia, but my eyes have been open to these differences.

The world was a boozy whirl of lights and sounds. Images, broken and fragmented, came and went. Voices, laughter, screaming. The ground pitched like the deck of a tempest-tossed ship, and he felt heavy, as though the ground were pulling him to it. C’mere, Dommy. He fell, lay on the pavement, and pushed himself up again, staggering like a drunk on his way home. His head spun, his body ached, and things seemed blurry, like half-formed images glimpsed underwater.
It was the light blue hour before dawn and Dom was…somewhere. He should have recognized the stores and street signs around him, but he didn’t. His head felt like it was stuffed with cotton, and a sense of confusion gripped him so strongly that he was beginning to panic. Where was he? What happened?
The world spun away again and the next thing he knew, he was lying in a heap of garbage bags, used needles, and rubbish. He came awake with a jerk and sat up so fast that a bolt of pain jammed into his skull. He winced and pressed his hand to his forehead. He felt hot, clammy.
Something was seriously wrong.
Somehow he got to his feet again and started walking. The sun was up now and the streets were filled with people. They all sneered in disgust as he passed, and he wrapped his arms around his chest like a baby comforting itself. He was getting cold. His muscles were sore. Tears streamed down his face and he wanted to cry.
Going on instinct alone, Dom made his way back home and climbed the steps to his apartment. Exhaustion swept over him and he sagged against the door as he dug in his pocket for the keys. They shook in his hand and he had to focus really hard to get the key into the lock.
Inside, he collapsed onto the couch and his eyelids instantly drooped. He was so weary that he couldn’t lift his head, couldn’t form a single coherent thought. Dom felt himself starting to sink, and snapped his eyes open with a start. Something in his soul told him that if he slept, he would die.
He couldn’t help it, though. He was falling, tumbling, hands reaching up from hell to grab him. His eyes fluttered closed again and the world started to go dark, his heart slamming in fear. He tried to fight, but the pull of darkness was too strong, too alluring. Why was he fighting? Why not just…give up? Hadn’t he thought of killing himself before? Didn’t he hate his life and himself? What was there to fight for? A wife? Kids? A community that loved and respected him? Shit, affordable groceries?
No.
There was nothing.
He had nothing and was nothing.
A sense of peace blossomed from the darkness, and suddenly death didn’t seem so scary. In fact, it was warm…inviting.
It was life that was cold and hateful. Not death.
Death accepted you no matter who you were. It didn’t reject you…it didn’t ignore you. If you sought it, you would find it, and if you embraced it, it would embrace you.
With that thought in mind, Dom gave up.
And died.
***
Bruce Kenner, captain of the 5th Albany precinct, sat behind his desk on the morning of June 28 and lazily leafed through a stack of files as he sipped from a mug of coffee. A roughly built man with a dark goatee and graying blonde hair, he looked more like a small town southern sheriff than a low level public works functionary. In fact, he tended to act like it too. He liked to hunt, fish, and drink beer on his off time. Albany wasn’t a big city, but it was big enough that you never got a fucking break. Run here, run there, arrest this asshole, investigate that asshole. By the time Friday rolled around, he was so ready for the peace and tranquility of a fishing trip he could taste it.
Already this Monday morning, he was looking forward to another one.
Over the weekend, three kids went missing in the Pine Hills and Washington Park area, bringing the total for that summer up to eight. All were teenagers, all were troubled. Most were boys, but two were girls.
Troubled kids run away all the time. They might be gone a few days, sulking at a friend’s house over something their father or mother did, but they’d eventually come home. None of these kids had come back yet and from what he knew, a few of them weren’t the runaway types. They were shits at school and caused problems, but they had no reason to up and leave. Hell, Bruce himself raised hell as a kid, but he always found his way back home, even if he spent the previous night dying in a field from Mad Dogg 20/20 poisoning.
One or two kids going missing…okay, it happens. Eight? Over a span of four weeks?
Yeah, something was wrong here.
But what?
There was nothing on any of these kids. No one saw them, no one knew anything - one minute they were here, the next they weren’t. What could he or anyone else do with that?. The public broke cops’ balls all the time, but if you don’t have evidence, you don’t have evidence. What do you want? Door to door searches? Roadblocks? Dogs and helicopters? Yeah, then when you actually do it, they cry fascism. Guess I’ll just use my Spidey Senses.
Bruce wished he had spidey senses. He wanted to find these kids as much as anyone, and he was starting to get pissed off that he couldn’t. He took another sip from his mug and read on. The latest kids to go missing were three boys between the ages of fourteen and eighteen.
They were all white, all thin (except for one). If there was a serial killer in town - and Bruce hoped to fuck there wasn’t - he had a type. What, black kids aren’t good enough to kill, cannibalize, and wear like a skin suit? They should charge him with a hate crime for discrimination.
That way he’d actually stay locked up.
The door opened and Vanessa Rodregiez, his deputy, came in. A tall, shapely Hispanic woman with dark eyes and a mouth poised always on the edge of a smile, she wore her black hair in a ponytail that would look stern and severe on anyone else, but on her, looked childlike. She was twenty-seven and had been on the force for three years, but you could be forgiven for thinking her much younger. “Bright and early, I see,” she said with a grin.
Bruce grumbled.
Vanessa held down the fort during the graveyard shift, acting to the night as he acted to the day. She was young and full of energy, which clashed with Bruce, who was old and just wanted to be left alone. Despite their differences, Bruce loved her like a kid sister…an annoying kid sister he wanted to throat punch sometimes.
“You missed all the fun last night,” she said and parked her butt on the edge of Bruce’s desk. He glared at her, but she ignored him.
“Good,” he said. Then: “What happened?”
“Big fight outside of Club Vlad,” she said. “It looked like a WorldStar video.”
For a moment, Bruce was lost. “Club what?”
“Club Vlad,” Vanessa said. “Where the Fuze Box used to be.”
Ah, right. The Fuze Box was an Albany landmark, a night club for punks…or goths…or someone. Certainly not for Bruce Kenner. It was small, dingy, and always had people in black waiting outside. On Friday and Saturday nights, it blasted strange music with lyrics about fighting The Man. Kids had been fighting the Man since before Bruce was even born and they hadn’t beaten him yet. Kudos to them for still trying.
Last year, The Fuze Box closed down and someone else bought it. It reopened last month and looked more or less the same: Posers, shitty music, and spiked hair. So much spiked hair. “Place is still a pain in the ass,” Bruce said.
“Yep,” Vanessa chirped. “It doesn’t know what it wants to be now. One minute they play nightcore, the next EDM. It’s all over the place.”
Bruce raised a quizzical brow.
“Not that I’ve ever been there in my free time,” Vanessa said in a tone that suggested she had,
Bruce gave a judgemental hum.
“Anyway,” Vanessa went on, “you see we have some new missing persons?”
Sighing, Bruce sat back in his chair. “Yeah. I did.”
“People are starting to ask questions,” Vanessa warned.
That brought a terse smile to Bruce’s weathered face. “Maybe they’ll solve it then.”
“Ha, fat chance,” Vanessa said. She got up and stretched. “Anyway, I’m bushed. Here’s my…” she trailed off and looked at her empty hands. “Damn, where’s my report? I just had it?” She turned in a confused circle as if she might be able to spot her report making a break for it. “Huh,” she said. She left the office and came back a moment later holding a folder. “Found it,” she grinned.
Bruce just looked at her.
“Um…here it is.”
He didn’t take it.
Her smile faltered. She carefully sat it on top of the files Bruce was looking at.
And his hands.
“I’ll just leave that right here.” She patted it for good measure.
“Thank you,” Bruce said.
“Okay. Night.”
“Goodnight,” Bruce said as she left through a shaft of morning sunlight. Alone, Bruce sat her report aside and went back to the missing kids. This case was giving him a headache and it wasn’t even nine. With a deep sigh, he slumped back in his chair and drummed his fingers on the armrests.
Was it Saturday yet?
He could really use a fishing trip.
***
Dom came awake in the cold purple twilight with a shocked gasp like a man coming up seconds before drowning. His eyes strained from his sweaty face and his mouth hung slack, twisted in a gruesome parody of The Scream. His mind was muddled, murky - he didn’t know where he was or even who he was, but he knew this,.
He couldn’t breathe.
He opened and closed his mouth like a fish, but his lungs did not fill with air. A great, unseen weight seemed to bear down on his chest, and panic gripped him. He tried to move, but his arms refused to heed his brain’s command. The weight seemed heavier, all over, crushing him like a bug. Confusion filled him and he started to pant.
Without warning, his bowels and bladder loosened, and horrible wetness filled his pants. He tried to sit up, but his body felt like it weighed a thousand pounds. His chest rose and fell with the frantic labor of his breath, but his lungs remained inert. A cry of fear bubbled up inside of him, but escaped his mouth only as a breathy groan.
A bust of adrenaline shot through him and he tried to stand, but succeeded only in falling off the couch instead, landing face first against the cold tile floor. He felt his nose crunch, but the pain was muted.
Dom thought he lost consciousness after that, but wasn’t sure. His next memory was of shivering so violently that his teeth clacked together. A phantom chill - perhaps from the floor - had settled into his bones, and was colder than he had ever been in his life, colder even than the time he fell into a snowbank and got lost when he was two. Shudders racked his body, and though he tried to turn over, he was too fucking heavy. It was like every muscle in his body had turned to dead weight. Fragmented thoughts swirled in his head, faint colors in the dark, but he couldn’t put any of them together.
With great effort, he managed to push himself slightly up, but a wave of lightheadedness crashed over him and he lowered his head once more. He stopped trying and simply lay there. Shortly, his eyes began to burn and he realized that he wasn’t blinking. Jesus Christ, he wasn’t blinking.
For some strange reason, that brought a fresh bout of panic. He started to hyperventilate, but his lungs still wouldn’t work. He wasn’t blinking…he wasn’t breathing…what was happening to him?
A whimper burst from his throat and he started to cry.
He must have cried himself to sleep, because he woke sometime later to the most intense headache he’d ever had. It felt like something was eating his brain from the inside out. He was sore all over, and could feel his muscles twitching, as though a thousand living things were burrowing through his body. A cramp shot down his right leg, and the toes of his left foot curled involuntarily. Slowly, his jaw clenched closed, and the muscles in his neck began to strain…then to burn. His panic turned to terror, and Dom wiggled across the floor like a worm, his limbs screaming in red agony and his brain filling with heat. He somehow wound up on his right side, and his arms curled slowly up to his chest, crossing at the wrists like a mummy. He tried to pull them apart, but the slightest movement sent waves of excruciating pain cutting through his body. His knees began to draw up to his stomach, and his fingers clenched tightly.
Cramps and spasms attacked every muscle in his body. He screamed through his teeth and shook, resembling a man in the electric chair as 40,000 volts of justice coursed through him. The pain grew gradually, getting worse and worse as minutes ticked by like hours. Higher, higher, higher - he clenched his eyes closed and shrieked as it became unbearable. Disjointed thoughts flashed through his mind - prayers, threats, curses, Jesus fucking…FUCK.
What was happening? God, what was happening to him? Was it fentanyl? He’d seen videos of people high on fentanyl, and they leaned in weird positions. He didn’t do drugs but maybe he ingested it somehow.
His panic may have returned if all of his muscles hadn’t picked that moment to contract as one. His eyes bulged from their sockets and his jaw unclenched just enough for him to utter a high. Agonized scream that echoed through his empty apartment like thunder.
A human being can only take so much before giving out. When the pain reached a crescendo, and Dom mercifully sank into consciousness once more. The sun rose and cascaded through the apartment’s sole window, falling over his huddled form. Slowly, it tracked across the sky before setting again. As the last rays disappeared behind the horizon, Dom’s eyes opened. The pain of the night before was blessedly gone, replaced by a feeling of numbness - the cool ash after the hot fire. His thoughts were slow and thick like molasses, but he could actually think again. Nightmare memories flooded back to him, but he wasn’t sure they were real. He was lying on his side, his arms wrapped around his chest as if for warmth, and his teeth lightly chattered against the icy chill. He was so cold that he didn’t want to move, but he couldn’t stay here forever. He needed help. He needed…
A shower.
Yeah, a hot shower. That would warm him up.
Gritting his teeth, he slowly sat up, ready for a burst of pain.
But none came.
He did, however, feel heavy. Getting to his feet, he stumbled and nearly fell, catching himself against the counter. His limbs had no feeling. It’s like they weren’t even there. Head hung, Dom tried to catch his breath, but it felt like he wasn’t breathing at all. His eyelids drooped closed and he felt like he was going to fall down. Summoning all the might he could, he shuffled into the bathroom with the stiff gait of an old man. He snapped the light on, and cold, white brilliance filled the space, blinding him.
Leaning heavily against the sink, he gripped the cold porcelain. Suddenly, he was afraid of looking into the mirror. He was sure that whatever reflection he saw, it would be of something else, something monstrous.
Dom lifted his head and faced the glass.
His heart shrank.
The man in the mirror was him but different. His skin was white as milk, lacking all color whatsoever save for the ugly purple patch on the left side. IResembling a giant bruise, it started at the temple and extended down to the slope of his neck, disappearing beneath his T-shirt. He gingerly lifted the shirt, and moaned when he saw that his entire left side was discolored, the purple edged with a puffy shade of pink. His sallow skin clung tight to his ribcage, and his hip bones stuck out so much it looked painful. Back in the mirror, his cheeks were sunken, hollow, and his eyes were a hazy, dishwater gray. His skull seemed bigger, his hair longer. Dom wanted to whip his head away from the phantom before him, to never see it again, but he was transfixed.
There was no way that thing was -
Dom looked away, cutting that thought off before it could finish.
A shower.
He needed a shower.
Slowly, stiffly, Dom undressed, peeling off his shirt and his soiled pants. He dropped them in a heap on the floor and stepped under the spray. He could feel the water pounding against him, but it provided no heat. It was neither hot nor cold. It was simply there.
Dom pressed his head to the slick shower wall and stood there for a long time. He was spent, tired, and fried - he had no more emotions left to give. He got out after a little while, dried off, and put on a clean pair of shorts. He settled into bed and lay there with his hands folded over his chest and his eyes open. They felt gritty, dry. His stomach felt bloated, gassy. He was drowsy now, the weight of the past two days (or was it two weeks?) coming down on him all at once. He closed his eyes and fell asleep.
He was still asleep - but aware - when the knocking on his door started the next morning. Time was funny in this state of being, fast and jerky but also slow and echoing. Keys rattled the knob turned. The landlord came in with a cop. They saw him on the bed, laid out like a corpse for a viewing, and the cop radioed in a code 35. Soon, cops were all around him, making noise and touching things. He had the vague sense of discomfort and embarrassment at the intrusion. A baling man in a suit stood over him, a cop who looked like a redneck beside him. “He didn’t die here,” the medical examiner said.
The cop looked at him questioningly. Dom caught the name KENNER on his name tag.
“See this?” the M.E. said and gestured to Dom’s face. “That’s livor mortis. When you die, your blood pools at the lowest point. If you’re on your left side, for example, it pools on the left.”
Kenner looked at Dom and then back to the M.E. “Someone moved him?”
“Looks like it,” the M.E. said.
“When did he die?”
The M.E. examined Dom as though he were nothing more than a side of beef. “At a glance? Three days. I won’t have a better answer until I open him up.”
Dom was still awake when they put him into a body bag and zipped it up. He felt a stirring of fear beneath the cold numbness, but he was too tired to worry about it now.
Later, he thought.
He would panic later.
For now, Dom slept.

The world was a boozy whirl of lights and sounds. Images, broken and fragmented, came and went. Voices, laughter, screaming. The ground pitched like the deck of a tempest-tossed ship, and he felt heavy, as though the ground were pulling him to it. C’mere, Dommy. He fell, lay on the pavement, and pushed himself up again, staggering like a drunk on his way home. His head spun, his body ached, and things seemed blurry, like half-formed images glimpsed underwater.
It was the light blue hour before dawn and Dom was…somewhere. He should have recognized the stores and street signs around him, but he didn’t. His head felt like it was stuffed with cotton, and a sense of confusion gripped him so strongly that he was beginning to panic. Where was he? What happened?
The world spun away again and the next thing he knew, he was lying in a heap of garbage bags, used needles, and rubbish. He came awake with a jerk and sat up so fast that a bolt of pain jammed into his skull. He winced and pressed his hand to his forehead. He felt hot, clammy.
Something was seriously wrong.
Somehow he got to his feet again and started walking. The sun was up now and the streets were filled with people. They all sneered in disgust as he passed, and he wrapped his arms around his chest like a baby comforting itself. He was getting cold. His muscles were sore. Tears streamed down his face and he wanted to cry.
Going on instinct alone, Dom made his way back home and climbed the steps to his apartment. Exhaustion swept over him and he sagged against the door as he dug in his pocket for the keys. They shook in his hand and he had to focus really hard to get the key into the lock.
Inside, he collapsed onto the couch and his eyelids instantly drooped. He was so weary that he couldn’t lift his head, couldn’t form a single coherent thought. Dom felt himself starting to sink, and snapped his eyes open with a start. Something in his soul told him that if he slept, he would die.
He couldn’t help it, though. He was falling, tumbling, hands reaching up from hell to grab him. His eyes fluttered closed again and the world started to go dark, his heart slamming in fear. He tried to fight, but the pull of darkness was too strong, too alluring. Why was he fighting? Why not just…give up? Hadn’t he thought of killing himself before? Didn’t he hate his life and himself? What was there to fight for? A wife? Kids? A community that loved and respected him? Shit, affordable groceries?
No.
There was nothing.
He had nothing and was nothing.
A sense of peace blossomed from the darkness, and suddenly death didn’t seem so scary. In fact, it was warm…inviting.
It was life that was cold and hateful. Not death.
Death accepted you no matter who you were. It didn’t reject you…it didn’t ignore you. If you sought it, you would find it, and if you embraced it, it would embrace you.
With that thought in mind, Dom gave up.
And died.
***
Bruce Kenner, captain of the 5th Albany precinct, sat behind his desk on the morning of June 28 and lazily leafed through a stack of files as he sipped from a mug of coffee. A roughly built man with a dark goatee and graying blonde hair, he looked more like a small town southern sheriff than a low level public works functionary. In fact, he tended to act like it too. He liked to hunt, fish, and drink beer on his off time. Albany wasn’t a big city, but it was big enough that you never got a fucking break. Run here, run there, arrest this asshole, investigate that asshole. By the time Friday rolled around, he was so ready for the peace and tranquility of a fishing trip he could taste it.
Already this Monday morning, he was looking forward to another one.
Over the weekend, three kids went missing in the Pine Hills and Washington Park area, bringing the total for that summer up to eight. All were teenagers, all were troubled. Most were boys, but two were girls.
Troubled kids run away all the time. They might be gone a few days, sulking at a friend’s house over something their father or mother did, but they’d eventually come home. None of these kids had come back yet and from what he knew, a few of them weren’t the runaway types. They were shits at school and caused problems, but they had no reason to up and leave. Hell, Bruce himself raised hell as a kid, but he always found his way back home, even if he spent the previous night dying in a field from Mad Dogg 20/20 poisoning.
One or two kids going missing…okay, it happens. Eight? Over a span of four weeks?
Yeah, something was wrong here.
But what?
There was nothing on any of these kids. No one saw them, no one knew anything - one minute they were here, the next they weren’t. What could he or anyone else do with that?. The public broke cops’ balls all the time, but if you don’t have evidence, you don’t have evidence. What do you want? Door to door searches? Roadblocks? Dogs and helicopters? Yeah, then when you actually do it, they cry fascism. Guess I’ll just use my Spidey Senses.
Bruce wished he had spidey senses. He wanted to find these kids as much as anyone, and he was starting to get pissed off that he couldn’t. He took another sip from his mug and read on. The latest kids to go missing were three boys between the ages of fourteen and eighteen.
They were all white, all thin (except for one). If there was a serial killer in town - and Bruce hoped to fuck there wasn’t - he had a type. What, black kids aren’t good enough to kill, cannibalize, and wear like a skin suit? They should charge him with a hate crime for discrimination.
That way he’d actually stay locked up.
The door opened and Vanessa Rodregiez, his deputy, came in. A tall, shapely Hispanic woman with dark eyes and a mouth poised always on the edge of a smile, she wore her black hair in a ponytail that would look stern and severe on anyone else, but on her, looked childlike. She was twenty-seven and had been on the force for three years, but you could be forgiven for thinking her much younger. “Bright and early, I see,” she said with a grin.
Bruce grumbled.
Vanessa held down the fort during the graveyard shift, acting to the night as he acted to the day. She was young and full of energy, which clashed with Bruce, who was old and just wanted to be left alone. Despite their differences, Bruce loved her like a kid sister…an annoying kid sister he wanted to throat punch sometimes.
“You missed all the fun last night,” she said and parked her butt on the edge of Bruce’s desk. He glared at her, but she ignored him.
“Good,” he said. Then: “What happened?”
“Big fight outside of Club Vlad,” she said. “It looked like a WorldStar video.”
For a moment, Bruce was lost. “Club what?”
“Club Vlad,” Vanessa said. “Where the Fuze Box used to be.”
Ah, right. The Fuze Box was an Albany landmark, a night club for punks…or goths…or someone. Certainly not for Bruce Kenner. It was small, dingy, and always had people in black waiting outside. On Friday and Saturday nights, it blasted strange music with lyrics about fighting The Man. Kids had been fighting the Man since before Bruce was even born and they hadn’t beaten him yet. Kudos to them for still trying.
Last year, The Fuze Box closed down and someone else bought it. It reopened last month and looked more or less the same: Posers, shitty music, and spiked hair. So much spiked hair. “Place is still a pain in the ass,” Bruce said.
“Yep,” Vanessa chirped. “It doesn’t know what it wants to be now. One minute they play nightcore, the next EDM. It’s all over the place.”
Bruce raised a quizzical brow.
“Not that I’ve ever been there in my free time,” Vanessa said in a tone that suggested she had,
Bruce gave a judgemental hum.
“Anyway,” Vanessa went on, “you see we have some new missing persons?”
Sighing, Bruce sat back in his chair. “Yeah. I did.”
“People are starting to ask questions,” Vanessa warned.
That brought a terse smile to Bruce’s weathered face. “Maybe they’ll solve it then.”
“Ha, fat chance,” Vanessa said. She got up and stretched. “Anyway, I’m bushed. Here’s my…” she trailed off and looked at her empty hands. “Damn, where’s my report? I just had it?” She turned in a confused circle as if she might be able to spot her report making a break for it. “Huh,” she said. She left the office and came back a moment later holding a folder. “Found it,” she grinned.
Bruce just looked at her.
“Um…here it is.”
He didn’t take it.
Her smile faltered. She carefully sat it on top of the files Bruce was looking at.
And his hands.
“I’ll just leave that right here.” She patted it for good measure.
“Thank you,” Bruce said.
“Okay. Night.”
“Goodnight,” Bruce said as she left through a shaft of morning sunlight. Alone, Bruce sat her report aside and went back to the missing kids. This case was giving him a headache and it wasn’t even nine. With a deep sigh, he slumped back in his chair and drummed his fingers on the armrests.
Was it Saturday yet?
He could really use a fishing trip.
***
Dom came awake in the cold purple twilight with a shocked gasp like a man coming up seconds before drowning. His eyes strained from his sweaty face and his mouth hung slack, twisted in a gruesome parody of The Scream. His mind was muddled, murky - he didn’t know where he was or even who he was, but he knew this,.
He couldn’t breathe.
He opened and closed his mouth like a fish, but his lungs did not fill with air. A great, unseen weight seemed to bear down on his chest, and panic gripped him. He tried to move, but his arms refused to heed his brain’s command. The weight seemed heavier, all over, crushing him like a bug. Confusion filled him and he started to pant.
Without warning, his bowels and bladder loosened, and horrible wetness filled his pants. He tried to sit up, but his body felt like it weighed a thousand pounds. His chest rose and fell with the frantic labor of his breath, but his lungs remained inert. A cry of fear bubbled up inside of him, but escaped his mouth only as a breathy groan.
A bust of adrenaline shot through him and he tried to stand, but succeeded only in falling off the couch instead, landing face first against the cold tile floor. He felt his nose crunch, but the pain was muted.
Dom thought he lost consciousness after that, but wasn’t sure. His next memory was of shivering so violently that his teeth clacked together. A phantom chill - perhaps from the floor - had settled into his bones, and was colder than he had ever been in his life, colder even than the time he fell into a snowbank and got lost when he was two. Shudders racked his body, and though he tried to turn over, he was too fucking heavy. It was like every muscle in his body had turned to dead weight. Fragmented thoughts swirled in his head, faint colors in the dark, but he couldn’t put any of them together.
With great effort, he managed to push himself slightly up, but a wave of lightheadedness crashed over him and he lowered his head once more. He stopped trying and simply lay there. Shortly, his eyes began to burn and he realized that he wasn’t blinking. Jesus Christ, he wasn’t blinking.
For some strange reason, that brought a fresh bout of panic. He started to hyperventilate, but his lungs still wouldn’t work. He wasn’t blinking…he wasn’t breathing…what was happening to him?
A whimper burst from his throat and he started to cry.
He must have cried himself to sleep, because he woke sometime later to the most intense headache he’d ever had. It felt like something was eating his brain from the inside out. He was sore all over, and could feel his muscles twitching, as though a thousand living things were burrowing through his body. A cramp shot down his right leg, and the toes of his left foot curled involuntarily. Slowly, his jaw clenched closed, and the muscles in his neck began to strain…then to burn. His panic turned to terror, and Dom wiggled across the floor like a worm, his limbs screaming in red agony and his brain filling with heat. He somehow wound up on his right side, and his arms curled slowly up to his chest, crossing at the wrists like a mummy. He tried to pull them apart, but the slightest movement sent waves of excruciating pain cutting through his body. His knees began to draw up to his stomach, and his fingers clenched tightly.
Cramps and spasms attacked every muscle in his body. He screamed through his teeth and shook, resembling a man in the electric chair as 40,000 volts of justice coursed through him. The pain grew gradually, getting worse and worse as minutes ticked by like hours. Higher, higher, higher - he clenched his eyes closed and shrieked as it became unbearable. Disjointed thoughts flashed through his mind - prayers, threats, curses, Jesus fucking…FUCK.
What was happening? God, what was happening to him? Was it fentanyl? He’d seen videos of people high on fentanyl, and they leaned in weird positions. He didn’t do drugs but maybe he ingested it somehow.
His panic may have returned if all of his muscles hadn’t picked that moment to contract as one. His eyes bulged from their sockets and his jaw unclenched just enough for him to utter a high. Agonized scream that echoed through his empty apartment like thunder.
A human being can only take so much before giving out. When the pain reached a crescendo, and Dom mercifully sank into consciousness once more. The sun rose and cascaded through the apartment’s sole window, falling over his huddled form. Slowly, it tracked across the sky before setting again. As the last rays disappeared behind the horizon, Dom’s eyes opened. The pain of the night before was blessedly gone, replaced by a feeling of numbness - the cool ash after the hot fire. His thoughts were slow and thick like molasses, but he could actually think again. Nightmare memories flooded back to him, but he wasn’t sure they were real. He was lying on his side, his arms wrapped around his chest as if for warmth, and his teeth lightly chattered against the icy chill. He was so cold that he didn’t want to move, but he couldn’t stay here forever. He needed help. He needed…
A shower.
Yeah, a hot shower. That would warm him up.
Gritting his teeth, he slowly sat up, ready for a burst of pain.
But none came.
He did, however, feel heavy. Getting to his feet, he stumbled and nearly fell, catching himself against the counter. His limbs had no feeling. It’s like they weren’t even there. Head hung, Dom tried to catch his breath, but it felt like he wasn’t breathing at all. His eyelids drooped closed and he felt like he was going to fall down. Summoning all the might he could, he shuffled into the bathroom with the stiff gait of an old man. He snapped the light on, and cold, white brilliance filled the space, blinding him.
Leaning heavily against the sink, he gripped the cold porcelain. Suddenly, he was afraid of looking into the mirror. He was sure that whatever reflection he saw, it would be of something else, something monstrous.
Dom lifted his head and faced the glass.
His heart shrank.
The man in the mirror was him but different. His skin was white as milk, lacking all color whatsoever save for the ugly purple patch on the left side. IResembling a giant bruise, it started at the temple and extended down to the slope of his neck, disappearing beneath his T-shirt. He gingerly lifted the shirt, and moaned when he saw that his entire left side was discolored, the purple edged with a puffy shade of pink. His sallow skin clung tight to his ribcage, and his hip bones stuck out so much it looked painful. Back in the mirror, his cheeks were sunken, hollow, and his eyes were a hazy, dishwater gray. His skull seemed bigger, his hair longer. Dom wanted to whip his head away from the phantom before him, to never see it again, but he was transfixed.
There was no way that thing was -
Dom looked away, cutting that thought off before it could finish.
A shower.
He needed a shower.
Slowly, stiffly, Dom undressed, peeling off his shirt and his soiled pants. He dropped them in a heap on the floor and stepped under the spray. He could feel the water pounding against him, but it provided no heat. It was neither hot nor cold. It was simply there.
Dom pressed his head to the slick shower wall and stood there for a long time. He was spent, tired, and fried - he had no more emotions left to give. He got out after a little while, dried off, and put on a clean pair of shorts. He settled into bed and lay there with his hands folded over his chest and his eyes open. They felt gritty, dry. His stomach felt bloated, gassy. He was drowsy now, the weight of the past two days (or was it two weeks?) coming down on him all at once. He closed his eyes and fell asleep.
He was still asleep - but aware - when the knocking on his door started the next morning. Time was funny in this state of being, fast and jerky but also slow and echoing. Keys rattled the knob turned. The landlord came in with a cop. They saw him on the bed, laid out like a corpse for a viewing, and the cop radioed in a code 35. Soon, cops were all around him, making noise and touching things. He had the vague sense of discomfort and embarrassment at the intrusion. A baling man in a suit stood over him, a cop who looked like a redneck beside him. “He didn’t die here,” the medical examiner said.
The cop looked at him questioningly. Dom caught the name KENNER on his name tag.
“See this?” the M.E. said and gestured to Dom’s face. “That’s livor mortis. When you die, your blood pools at the lowest point. If you’re on your left side, for example, it pools on the left.”
Kenner looked at Dom and then back to the M.E. “Someone moved him?”
“Looks like it,” the M.E. said.
“When did he die?”
The M.E. examined Dom as though he were nothing more than a side of beef. “At a glance? Three days. I won’t have a better answer until I open him up.”
Dom was still awake when they put him into a body bag and zipped it up. He felt a stirring of fear beneath the cold numbness, but he was too tired to worry about it now.
Later, he thought.
He would panic later.
For now, Dom slept.

Hi ( Updated-Summary at bottom)
I need some advice/opinions. So basically last month I randomly went into anaphylaxis. (for reference I’m not allergic to anything, but I am type one diabetic) So I got up around 12:00 pm ish and decided to go to the kitchen,and eat a banana.(fyi I had a banana smoothie the night before and nothing happened ) then a couple minutes later I went into my friends room,I sat there until about 1:00 when my stomach started to hurt (witch seemed normal to me) (i also want to add I felt like I was going to throw up so I took a gravol and drank some water) i checked my blood sugar and I was high so I did a correction. a couple minutes later my arm (right) went completely numb And I started to panic,then I had INTENSE!chest pain on the same side (my friend thought I was having a heart attack) then my ears popped and I couldn’t hear well, then hives started to appear on my chest face and underarm, and my throat started to close . (at this point I was completely sobbing and my friend asked if I wanted to call an ambulance) after about 5 minutes I agreed. I got up and started to pack my bag. then me and my friend went outside to wait for the ambulance, when it came they gave me epinephrine and some other medication. (at this point my heart rate was 220) and they drove me to the emergency room, long story short(er) the doctors said that it probably wasn’t bananas because I had a banana smoothie the night before and because of the delayed reaction(2ish hours)but just to stay away from them incase. Later when i went home I decided I wanted to tempt fate, so I drank a sip of a smoothie witch contained banana. (then I stayed up all night having a panic attack) but I didn’t have any allergic reaction. ! Important side note: ! I’ve never had bad panic attacks before or really cared about my health (some anxiety but that’s it).but ever since I went into anaphylactics I’ve been having horrible panic attacks every night (or when I try any food) and it mimics the symptoms of my anaphylactics (eg tight throat, chest pain ,numbness in my limbs,and sometimes hives) and its really hard to deal with, I’ve been constantly clutching my epipen just incase and I don’t know what to do. !!!! I’ve been booked for an appointment with an immunologist and allergist for testing so I’ll update when I get that done.(also I’ve been looking into idiopathic anaphylaxis and I’m considering that it could be that because it can be caused by increased immune system which at the time I was sick (and I’m diabetic) and it can also be caused by stress.) !!!!! Thank you for reading!!!!! !!!Any advice/opinion is appreciated!! UPDATE - It’s been a couple of months and a few doctor appointments later and my skin test results came back negative for every thing, in June i am going for my oral test but since I’ve been exposed to banana eg:vape,peels. I haven’t had another reaction since. I’ve got my blood tested for cholesterol and triglycerides witch both came back incredibly high for my age plus high white blood count, so I did some research and I think it could possibly be because of all of that. Since my immune system is extremely messed up with t1D and all of that stuff I am imagining that it is probably an immune problem. I also want to add the past few times I’ve eaten peanuts or peanut butter my mouth has been itchy and tingling but nothing else, that never happened before ether. SUMMERY- I had a random anaphylactic reaction in feb after eating a banana (but I had a banana smoothie the night before and nothing happened) after I came home from the hospital I had a sip of banana smoothie and was fine. I started having panic attacks, I went for testing the results came back negative, went for more tests I have high triglycerides and cholesterol. I already have a messed up immune system (bc I’m T1D) I also have a high white blood count but a good thyroid . I have an oral test in June for banana, since I had the reaction I’ve been exposed to banana :peels and vape. And haven’t had a reaction since. In conclusion I think it could be an immune problem since I’m unhealthy.