I caught my narcissist mom in a lie and I don't know what to do.
I need help and opinions. Thanks for reading if you do!
In the last year or so, I've recovered some bad memories of my childhood and some of that was preceded and followed by other bad memories of growing up with my mom and dad, Mostly my mom, and have realized that she is a narcissist among other things.
I am also currently in nursing school and if anyone has been through a grueling education process, you'll understand that your time cannot be on what you want or what other people want it to be all the time. It is 2 full time jobs worth of studying, sometimes more, on top of 2+ jobs and other responsibilities. Due to this, our relationship is growing further strained because I am not able to do what she wants me to do when she wants me to do it. She guilt trips me for studying or even just taking care of my mental health, and consistently interrupts or even stops me from studying all together. I do not study at home anymore due to that and so she guilt trips me when I come home from work or school for not being here to help or whatever it is. The thing is, I've tried to do it all plus school and multiple jobs. I can't. I almost failed my last semester because I did everything she wanted to me to do all the time bc I figured it would be easier. Obviously it wasn't. It is a lot to type out so this not everything that happened but gives you a little bit of background.
Well there has been a couple of big fights, a lot actually. And it's mentally messed with me. Now I'm at a point where I don't let it bother me too much outwardly but can't help but let it bother me on the inside sometimes. So much so, that I've decided it's time for my sister, her son and I to get an apartment. I think my parents and I's relationship would be better if I weren't here. And I told them that.
Now all of a sudden, my mom has started with this desperate campaign to show me how much of a waste of money it would be for me to move out and pushing on me that if I'm not going to buy their house that they're either going to keep it til they die (another trigger for me) or sell it to someone in the family. Earlier today, she told me that my cousin wants to buy the house. I told her, yes that's a good idea because when we get our apartment, that they could move out and get a different house and if I wanted to buy the house later on, I could. Well, apparently, she didn't expect that reaction from me. I told her that it was a good idea and she was flabbergasted. She stopped talking about that and moved on.
A few days ago, one of the fights she started was about the fact that she had accidentally taken one of my scrubs and dried them, which I dont do. I hang dry them. It wasn't a big deal to me. I just rewashed them and had to retrain the fabric again. Not a big deal but it was made a big deal bc i had to rewash them, wasting time and money. She freaks out and when I tell her that she is literally freaking out about NOTHING, it makes her angrier bc how dare I tell her that? How dare I say that she made a mistake, no matter how small it is. This blew up into her refusing to accept a mother's day gift or even read a card until I let her belittle and scream at me that I've changed and how horrible of a daughter I am, how I'm using my studying as a crutch to not do anything (even though I do), and how much I've hurt her by not doing what she wants me to do. She also said, along with my dad, that I am a narcissist because I'm setting boundaries that I do not want to talk about anything political and have to make hard boundaries about studying... in order for me to pass my classes, mind you. Only after an hour and a half of her and my dad belittling me and telling me how I've changed for the worse and how much I've hurt her, did she open the card and say "thanks for the beautiful card." She initially refused to take my card but took my sister's, literally in my face, and took the time to read everything out loud from her card before saying she will not read mine because I don't care about her or love her. This is a tactic she does often to try to pin my sister and I against each other. This is not everything, but more for background.
Her M.O. is to push the blame onto me about absolutely everything. And I mean, EVERYTHING. Even stuff that has nothing to do with me. Well, today she tried that but I caught her in a lie instead.
I had done some of mine and my sisters clothes right before she came down and I had a pair of scrubs under a sweater on the dryer that I hadn't put away yet. When she went into the laundry room to switch her laundry over (because she also tries to gatekeep the laundry room,) she lied and told me that she had just pulled the scrubs out of the dryer and said that even I mess up because I had actually put her clothes in the dryer and I hadn't taken them out. Of course she doesn't know that I knew those scrubs were NOT in that load and were already done previously.
It blew my mind.
I know she's done this before but my mind is so lost on how many times I thought I was just crazy or maybe thought I remembered wrong. And she's done this about everything. For my entire life. But I never caught her like this before.
It spiraled me and kicked up some other memories. Not good ones.
But now, every time she talks to me, I feel disgusted and angry. I can't do anything other than laugh because if I show emotion, especially the one I want, it won't end well and I'll end up being kicked out or something. But she also has an issue with me laughing with everything she says (which I would too, but I don't know how else to react). I can't believe a damn thing she says, which I thought I didn't before, but now it's so... open, is the best descriptive word I can say. I'm not exactly sure how else to describe it.
What do I do? I'm reeling. I made an appt with my therapist on Thursday but I realized today is MONDAY. I'm not sure if I can do this til Thursday.
I am not allowing myself to dive through more memories bc who knows what else I'll uncover.
Do I tell her I know? Would it help, would it make it worse? How do I stop myself from reacting to every little thing she says. I cringe and shiver even she says she loves me. It's a big physical reaction. Same when she tries the desperate thing. I can't help but laugh. I have to because otherwise I'd scream or end up sobbing. What do I do?
Has anyone been in this situation?? I need help.
I am so sorry if this does not make sense. I work overnight and haven't slept more than 2 hrs in two days. If I didn't answer something or you have questions about something, let me know and I'll answer. I need help on how to move on from this. Thank you in advance.

i’m 19f and i am in a rough patch 😭 !!! if anyone has any advice about my situation please let me know, it would be very appreciated as i am hot out of ideas at this point. 1- bad relationship with my mum. no affection, verbal or physical. she has expressed disappointment with me over many things e.g. looks (piercings and small tattoos i have got legally, with my own earned money and easily removed/ covered). she speaks to me very aggressively and is always wanting an argument no matter what. recently she asked if she could repurpose my bedroom and move my things ( again, i am 19 and i cannot afford to rent in the uk) - and then stopped speaking to me when i said that made me feel a little unwelcome in my own home, and if she really wanted my stuff and me gone then she shouldn’t expect to hear from me again (after many years of other hurtful encounters.) 2- i literally have no friends. whatsoever 😭 for whatever reason, i cannot make friends. i have struggled socially after being bullied in high school, which then isolated me throughout college as collateral. one of my ex closest friends actually turned out to be a predator (he put me and various other girls on p*rn sites without consent) , and my other ex best friend dropped me as soon as university started. we had been best friends since we were 4. 3- i am taking antidepressants as i struggle with my mental health, and i have diagnosed depression and ptsd. i struggle daily with debilitating flashbacks of my physically and verbally abusive ex boyfriend, and the isolation throughout highschool/college
my question is - what would you do if you were me?!?! i am out of ideas of how i can get out of this rough patch and enjoy my life.
here’s some positives: - i have an incredible boyfriend who is loving and supportive - my dad is my best friend (limited contact however as he lives with my mum and has been in and out of hospital) - and i genuinely am friendly and kind 😭 i am open to sorting this out, and i just want to make friends. i love heavy metal, sims, makeup, horror and animals.
please if you can leave me some advice! thank you for reading :))) <3

So, this has been going on for 5 years and I'm reaching the point of explosion!!!!!
I'm (35) married to my husband (55)
He has a son (22) who has just gotten married to his wife (20). His son is a narcissist and has been that way since the day I met him. He is very talented at a number of things (motocross, golf, etc.) And he is a hard worker. By all outward appearances he's a good person and can be very kind at times.
The issue is that he is very spoiled and has always been given the best of the best. ($1,200 phones, $7,000 dirtbikes, the nicest clothes and shoes and blah blah blah)
His mother is loaded and buys him cars, clothes, coach backpacks, $400 shoes for no reason, spends $2,000+ on his birthdays and Christmases and just bows down to his every want and need
I was raised with the power getting shut off every 3 months bc my single mother struggled to keep the lights on. I shopped (and still shop) at thrift stores and I've NEVER cared about having flashy expensive THINGS. There is more to life than stuff.
Anyway... his son will always say things like "where did you get that shirt? Wish?" He will pick on me about my hobbies. Pretty much saying the things I enjoy doing are lame.
If I started talking about politics or any kind of REAL issues going on in the world he would dismiss what I'm saying and say that I'm a conspiracy theorist (meanwhile, his world revolves around tic-tok and video games)
After he got married things have gotten much worse. Keep in mind, his wife is 20 and I'm 35.
He will compare how she looks to how I look. We went on a boat trip and she wore a bathing suit while I wore shorts and a tank top. I'm not fat by any means, but I would LOVE to lose around 15lbs and have the flat little tummy I once did.
His wife is 4 inches taller than me and has huge boobs and a completely different body style. I never once compared myself to her or envied her in any way, but he will say things to me like "how much do weigh?" And then ask her how much she weighs...and then say "how do you guys look so different when your only 5-10lbs difference" he makes me so self conscious and insecure comparing me to someone who is 15 years younger than me FOR NO REASON EXCEPT TO HURT ME.
She says things to me too.
We were playing pickle ball today. First time I ever played and I was doing so-so
My team was behind and she hollered out to my team mate "do you want me to come out there and take her place" (talking about me)
If I try to have a discussion with her about anything she will find some way to argue with Mr and tell me I'm wrong and it's impossible to have any kind of real diologue with her UNLESS IT IS ABOUT HER AND HER INTERESTS
It gets worse
Me and my husband have a 4 year old daughter who was born with a cleft pallette in the roof of her mouth and she's had surgeries and is taking speech therapy and is doing great
Well, my stepson and his wife just had a baby (5 months)
My stepson (in front of like 6 people/family members) said to me "our son is perfect, what's the matter, why can't you have a perfect baby too"? THAT IS HIS FUKKIN SISTER!!!!!
I race motocross with them every weekend. It's my husband's son/family and we see them often
LITERALLY EVERY SINGLE TIME WE SEE THEM ONE (OR BOTH) SAY SOMETHING CRUEL TO ME.
I'm a very encouraging person. My stepsons wife gained a lot of weight after her pregnancy and when she started losing the weight I'd tell her "you look so pretty today" or "you look great"
I have TRIED to lead by example and treat them how I want to me treated.
They NEVER tell me "good job" or say anything nice/positive to me. They feed off of hurting and picking on other people to make themselves feel better. They talk shut constantly and I'm nothing like that and don't want to be.
I smile and pretend things dont hurt me so that I don't rock the boat. I don't stand up for myself and don't even know how to.
Normally when I'm around toxic people like this I avoid them and cut them out of my life, but I'm at a loss for ideas and don't know how to move forward.
Any advice or encouragement would be most welcome. I've talked to my husband but he doesn't know how to handle it and doesn't want to talk to his son because his son picks on him too and my husband doesn't seem to care. I don't think he understands why I am so hurt/upset by it in the first place.
Mt husband always says "he was just joking" or "he didn't mean it"....THE GASLIGHTING IS UNBELIEVABLE!!!!!
Thanks for letting me vent. God bless you all.

I’m organising a sketchbook showcasing meet up in my city. The idea to show each-other the sketchbooks and their contents and the work they have done or are currently doing.
The reasons I’m starting this meet-up group:

1. Just the joy of sharing your sketchbook with other people who will appreciate it and build a community around it.
   
2. To motivate self and others to work on their sketchbooks
   
3. Exchange ideas on what’s possible with sketchbooks.
   

Since it’s the first meet up, And I haven’t done anything like this before nor have I participated in one before:

1. I would like advice and suggestions on do’s and don’ts during the meet.
   
2. My idea is to ask everyone to first introduce themselves and then move on to sharing sketchbooks one by one. But I’m wondering if introductions can be optional? If anyone wants to remain anonymous? Also to prevent stalking and harassment of any kind.
   
3. I’m thinking of organising this once a month, is that a decent span or should I keep it once in 2 or 3 months? As it takes time for people to put work Into their sketchbooks.
   

Any other things I could add or remove? Appreciate any suggestions. Thank you :)

Hello all!! I currently have an unpainted cerberus, but I just can't decide whether to use it for 30k or 40k. I have yet to use it in a 30k game, but with the rules it has it seems like a good area denial vehicle. I had the idea of just plopping it down in the middle or at the edge of the board and have it sit there intimidatingly. >:3 I have used in 40k games and boy do I love this thing. But I have a dilemma on whether to paint it the colors of White Scars to be able to play it in 30k, or my custom chapter(it's bright pink.) So, I was hoping to get some input from those who have used it in games and get your thoughts on it! Thanks for your input if I don't get to you!! :D

It was an overcast morning in late spring, the kind of day where you can't decide if it's going to pour rain or clear up. The weather was perfectly indecisive, much like my feelings about the intricate details that had consumed the last several months of planning this monumental event. You see, the wedding was set to be held at the grand yet somewhat clichéd 'Whispering Willows' event hall. The name alone should give you an idea of the kind of pretentious place it was, with its overly manicured gardens and staff who wore constant, painfully forced smiles.
The day started with me waking up at exactly 6:30 AM, as I had meticulously planned. My schedule was packed with all the banal but necessary activities that precede a wedding: a light breakfast of exactly two boiled eggs and a slice of whole wheat toast (no butter), a shower that I timed to last no longer than seven minutes to conserve both water and time, and a session of silent meditation where I tried to find some semblance of peace amidst the chaos.
By 10:00 AM, I was at the venue, ensuring every napkin was folded in a precise bishop's hat fold, not the Dutch crown fold that the staff had mistakenly started with. I corrected this with a slight twitch of irritation. As I roamed the venue, I checked off trivial things on my checklist: the placement of the 150 meticulously chosen floral centerpieces, the angle of the 200 chiavari chairs (which I adjusted from 90 to 85 degrees to encourage more intimate conversation), and the volume of the background classical music (which should be exactly 40 decibels, no more, no less).
Around 11:47 AM, as I was verifying that each of the 250 champagne flutes was free of smudges and positioned 2.5 inches from the edge of the reception tables, Eric, my college friend, approached me. His presence was as sudden as it was unnecessary at that moment. He wore a suit that was one shade too dark for the daytime event, and his tie was asymmetrically knotted.
"Hey," Eric started, clearing his throat while I pretended not to notice the new watermark he had just put on one of the pristine flutes with his thumb. "Can we talk a sec?"
I glanced at my watch, noting that this unscheduled conversation was eating into the 12 minutes I had allocated to inspect the DJ's equipment setup. But Eric had that look — the kind where you know you're about to be dragged into a conversation you didn't schedule or want.
"Sure, Eric," I said, masking my annoyance with a tone flatter than the soda left out from last night's rehearsal dinner.
He pulled me slightly aside, right near the painstakingly positioned ice sculpture of Cupid, which was now melting at an anticipated rate of 0.5 inches per hour, a detail I noted with a frown.
"You're, uh, coming off a bit strong with all this," Eric muttered, gesturing vaguely at my clipboard and then at the surrounding spectacle of my own design. "It’s your big day, man. You should relax. You're too... I don’t know, edgy?"
I stared at him, the words 'too edgy' echoing in my mind like a bad song on repeat. Too edgy? I was merely ensuring that the event adhered to a standard that would prevent any future nightmares about a less-than-perfect wedding day.
"Thanks for the input, Eric," I said, my voice as dry as the unseasoned chicken I had vetoed from the menu last week. "I’ll take that under advisement."
He nodded, seemingly relieved to have dispensed his wisdom, and wandered off to undoubtedly commit more fingerprints to glass surfaces.
Returning to my checklist, I noted the time of Eric’s interruption and adjusted my schedule, allowing 30 fewer seconds at each remaining task to make up for lost time. The rest of the day proceeded in a blur of similarly thrilling activities: verifying the pH level of the water in the vases to ensure optimal flower freshness, triple-checking the seating chart to avoid the disastrous potential of Aunt Marge sitting next to Cousin Larry, and discussing the viscosity of the gravy with the caterer to ensure it poured smoothly without being too watery.
By the time the actual ceremony started, I had recalibrated the entire event down to the second, all while pondering Eric's words. Too edgy? Perhaps, but in a world full of chaos, I was the master of wedding logistics, turning what could have been an eventful and vibrant day into a perfectly planned, substance-lacking sequence of timed events.
And so, as I stood there, exchanging vows in a ceremony that was timed to coincide with the exact moment the sun was highest in the sky (for optimal lighting, naturally), I couldn't help but reflect on Eric's advice. Maybe he was right; perhaps I could have been less edgy. But then again, the day went off without a hitch, exactly as planned, right down to the last, predictable, perfectly unremarkable minute.
My friend Eric has been with me since we were kids, we grew up on the same street actually. Is he wrong for doing this?

Greetings friends. I have gotten a full tuition scholarship to do a masters program at the University of edinburgh. This is my dream and I am beyond grateful. However, before receiving this news, I had received a funded offer ( low stipend) from a university in the US. It is not ranked amongst the top 1000 schools on QS. I am attracted to highly ranked schools and really wanted to go to edinburgh. However, my parents would be hesitant to support me because the idea of receiving a stipend in the US seems liberating. I'm thinking of pushing harder and begging them but that would be contingent upon getting a job in the UK while I study. Please what's the situation in the UK regarding jobs for international students? Do you think it might be possible? Thanks so much.

Hi everyone, I've been look everywhere to find how to do that without any success. Basically I want to make one single layer with multiple driving routes entre under just like this: https://www.google.com/maps/d0/viewer?ie=UTF8&hl=en&msa=0&ll=37.79204005414171%2C-93.57287263611437&spn=0.839115%2C1.663399&source=embed&mid=1szHf2nHFkPWx9VbZv85Fu974TjA&z=5
So I know it's possible. But all I can do is have multiple ''line or shape'' under the same layer. When I'm selecting ''add driving route'' it automatically creates a new, unique layer.
Any of you guy have an idea as to how I can do this? thanks in advance!
​

Does anyone have any ideas of what I could use to cover my tomato cages to protect my plants from the extreme heat on California? Any suggestions will he great, thank you.

I am an experienced Data Entry Research Specialist where I had been involved in some data entry-related tasks like Data Gathering ,Data Mining, Data Compiling, Contact Info Research, Lead Generation, Web/Internet Research, Website Scraping. I have a previous work I have finished I can prove for my experience in this kind of task. (Attached in Portfolio) This will help in your business needs where I will ensure to provide the most accurate and timely information for the task. Every task which will be assigned serves as a challenge for me to be determined in accomplishing them on time. Tools used for the related task: -Microsoft Excel -Google Docs -Snovio -Linked IN -Skrapp.io
Feel free to contact me if you need assistance with this kind of task. Thanks!
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I’m not going to preface this with “my husband is so great, blah blah.” Sure my husband has some good qualities but right now those are not outweighing the negatives.
I’m not going to divorce my husband. I’m just venting.
Now…
I work full time an hour away from our house. On days when the schedule requires it, I can make that trip twice (to drive home and help get a kid from school or practice or wherever). I still wake up early enough to run dogs/make my breakfast and lunch. I come home and instantly take over the kids/household chores. Most days I am dead tired by the time I crawl in bed at 10/11pm.
My husband use to be the main provider and I use to be a stay at home mom. So I know how hard it is to be home all day with the kids and I try to be as helpful as I can be to allow for breaks/keeping up with my slack so not to add extra to the workload.
My husband works part time and is taking one college course. Ladiesss when I tell you he acts like he cannot do the most basic of things I MEAN IT. Today, after driving an additional hour to pick up the kids from my moms (two hours round trip) I come home to not a single thing done that I asked. Not a dish washed, laundry dumped on the bed, the juicer was actually dirty (I clean it every morning after use) and the floors not mopped or swept. He didn’t have to go to work until 2:30pm. He knew I had to get the kids tonight. Yet still, he didn’t think of how to help me in the least bit. I fucking went off on him (in text). He’s behavior as of late has been lazy and selfish. I acknowledge he has insomnia and brain frog but if he refuses to actually work on finding a resolution for these things my sympathy only stretches so far….
My husband has already told me in earlier conversations that “he just doesn’t know what is wrong with him. I (he) just don’t give a fuck about anything anymore.”
I encourage therapy, seeing a doctor, getting a new hobby, what ever he needs to recenter himself, but he doesn’t even try to do any of the above. I have no idea how much more I can take of this. It’s been a sold 6-9 months of those kind of behavior where he tries to do better but then slides back into complacency. I feel so burnt out most days, I don’t know how you other mamas do it 😭 any way I am waiting for him to get home from work, an hour after he was suppose to be home. I don’t even have the energy to fight with him tonight.
Thank you for reading my vent.

Hello friends, sorry for the inconvenience and my English. I would like to ask about the time it takes to complete different types of images including modeling, rendering, post-production , etc, to get an idea of how long it should take me to do mine. Obviously, it depends on each project, but it's to have a guide and know if I'm too slow. It would be helpful for me to know times like for example:

• 1 image of a simple modern house facade - 5 hours
• 1 image of a living-dining room - 8 hours
• 1 image of a bedroom - 4 hours
• 1 image of a large residential building exterior facade 10 hours
• 1 image of a public building facade with green and recreational spaces - 12 hours

These are just examples of some approximate times that I would like to know. I appreciate your guidance, thank you very much.
Currently, I'm working on an image of the facade of a Canadian house, and from the moment I started modeling it to the final touches of the image, it has taken me 2 weeks, although it's possible that it took more hours than it should have.

Hey guys!
I have a research proposal due tomorrow and I am just doing the final touches and realised that I think my lab dem gave the wrong stat test to use. For some background info I am looking into how different levels of vehicle automation affect various things. I essentially have 1 independent variable that has 6 levels and then 3 dependent variables with continuous data and 1 dependent variable that is a proportion being represented as a percentage. My lab dem told me to use independent samples t-tests to analysis if they're statistically significant but I feel like an ANOVA makes more sense since i have more than 2 independent variable levels? Also how do I analyse if my dependent variable that is a percentage is statistically significant? Any and all help is appreciated!! Thank you so much <3

The first Storm game of the season is tomorrow, and the Sports Bra will be closed since it's a Tuesday. Any ideas on bars etc that play WNBA games? I'm in Sellwood so SE places are preferable, but at this point I'll take any ideas.
Thank you thank you!

Hey all, I just wanted some insight of what I should do. About 1 week ago me (27m) and my now ex (28f) broke up. We only dated for a hot minute, 1 month. We were in constant contact daily (she wanted me to keep intouch especially if I was at work). And everyother day we were together in person. We met through work I'm a firefighter, she's in law enforcement. When we were together she'd tell me things that she's said she had either never opened up about. But how easy it was to open up with me. Everything was going great. She liked my no bs about the future. We agreed what both of our intentions were LTR with marriage and kids etc. Like I said, all was going great.
One day she wanted me to meet her best friend (30f). I agreed, we went to the best friends house together. The friend had a kid that kept going around hitting the women (8m) and I stopped him. Basically saying that behavior isn't tolerated and I'm not going to allow it. I then told him to apologize, which he did. All else was going well. By my 3rd drink I said it was going to be my last one. But I seen my gf and her friend opened another bottle of wine so I had another 2 beers. Later in the night my gf told me she wanted to spend the night so she could watch her best friends son soccer game in the am. It's not what I wanted, but thinking all was well I went along with it. We kissed, I left.
After I got home I texted her saying I had a good time and enjoyed her company. I also apologized if she felt like I shouldn't of driven because I drank 2 more beers 5 total in 5 hours than I said I would. She said she had a good time too and enjoyed my company. She ignored the part that I mentioned about alcohol.
Fast forward, next day. I'm at work, she's more cold and distant. It takes her significantly longer to get back to me than normal. And she doesn't want to talk about yesterday. Eventually I get super anxious feeling something is off and message her saying "I know something is bothering you, we've had conversations in the past and both agreed that if this is the case we would hash it out so we don't hold it against one another. So we can either communicate like adults like we've agreed. Or throw in the towel (figure of speech)."
She ended up replying immediately saying that I immediately went to "throwing in the towel " and how I must not care about her or our relationship. So being what I said she wanted to break up, because screw me.
Me regretting my choice of words tried to backtrack saying that's not what I meant. She said I was right something is bothering her from last night but she didn't want to have this conversation with me being that I'm at work. And hoped I would do the same if she was because she has a gun on her hip.
She said she noticed two things yesterday she didn't like. 1. I talked to much about work. 2. Drinking more than I said I would (this bothered her because of her past of getting a dui). She then said because of those two things she didn't want a relationship anymore with me. Because "That's your personality, and I don't want you to change because of me. I want you to change because of you". I said I'd change because I wanted too. She wouldn't listen. She said she was too mad at me to continue our relationship and that we're done.
Later that day I reached out, she agreed to let this go. But was still being cold and distant, less available. Canceling all of our future plans and having excuses.
So, I reached out again telling her how much I like her and how I absolutely adore and & love her (I've said this in the past and she said she feels the exact same way. Just feels too soon to say it back).
She then says she needs space, isn't ready for a relationship, that someone like me hurt her before. That we're on separate paths right now and she doesn't want me anymore. She ended the conversation saying we'll talk about this at a later date. But she wants time to focus on herself.
The next day I noticed she recorded or FaceTimed my snap story and then unfriended me on snap.
We've been on NC for the last week. I genuinely do want her back. I don't know what I should do, or say. Or if I should at all.. It hurts and sucks. Looking for what you all think of this. What I should of done differently. Thank you for your time!
tdlr relationship ended after a poor choice of words

We were good friends when we were 16-18 years old, and I was very in love with her. I have never confessed, because I did not feel it was reciprocal. I was very depressed after realizing that. I have never fell in love since.
We lose sight, but during recent years, we have met each other a few times, just to walk and talk in nature. It’s been one year since the last time we met.
I am no longer in love with her, but it is hard to forget what I have felt, and it brings me inconfort in her presence, like if I have not been honest with her.
I wonder if telling what I felt could help healing me too, to free myself from this secret, even if that impacts our present (but distant) friendship.
However, I don´t want to embarass her just for selfish reasons. This is very emotional after all.
Well, it’s just an idea I got tonight, I might never do it, but I would consider any advice, thank you !

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/AdhesivenessMurky204
Originally posted to AITAH
AITAH for separating from my husband because he refused to get a vasectomy?
Thanks to u/queenlegolas and u/Direct-Caterpillar77 for suggesting this BoRU
Editor’s Note: added paragraph breaks for readability
Trigger Warnings: PTSD, mentions of abortion, domestic abuse, verbal abuse, sexual assault, rape
Original Post: April 28, 2024
My husband (28M, who I will call Jack) and I (27F) have been together for 4 years, we have 2 young children and I am pregnant again. I have been pregnant for what feels like most of our relationship. I got pregnant 4 months into our relationship. We got married a month before our daughter’s 1st birthday and ended up with a honeymoon baby. After our son was born, I talked to my OB and she put me on birth control and I have been taking it militantly.
My daughter is now 3 and my son is 2. A little over a month ago I discovered I am pregnant again, despite taking my birth control religiously. Abortion is banned in my state, and the pregnancy was discovered too far along to attempt to obtain one out of state. While Jack and I were nervous, we also love being parents and decided that 3 young kids would be a challenge, but 3 was a good number for us. Then we went in for the first ultrasound and got some unexpected news - it’s twins.
Things have been tough financially, and while we were stressed but excited for a third child, we were not expecting a third and fourth child. Beyond the finances, I am the primary caretaker and I know that twins is going to be a lot, three children under 5 is already a lot, but 4 children under 5 is going to be really really difficult for me. Physically, I am tired of being pregnant. I’ve been pregnant or breastfeeding the majority of our relationship. It’s exhausting, it feels awful, and I don’t recognize my body anymore.
Four children is enough. I don’t want more. I told Jack that I was done with pregnancy, I’ve been pregnant enough, I’ve been experimenting with different types of birth control for over a decade and I still can’t stop getting pregnant, abortion isn’t a valid option where we live, we need something more permanent. He agreed, and suggested an IUD, I told him no - if it did fail then it could cause an ectopic pregnancy which could kill me, especially where we live. I’ve had both control fail me multiple times already and I’m not taking the chance, so I suggested a vasectomy. He was not open to the idea, and was even upset that I suggested it and told me I should get my tubes tied. I told him a tubal ligation is a much bigger surgery and I could be recovering for weeks during which time I wouldn’t be able to work or take care of our 4 young children, but he could ice his balls for a day or two and be done with it. He told me that not getting pregnant was ultimately my responsibility, and topped it off by saying “that’s what your body your choice means, YOUR body, so YOU choose.” That’s when it went from a discussion to a full blown fight.
See, when I was 19 I had another birth control failure with my boyfriend at the time (who I will call Tom). I wanted an abortion, Tom did not because he was opposed. I told him I was getting the abortion since it was my body and my choice, and Tom said some horrible things to me, including threatening me. I broke up with him and got the abortion. In response, Tom ended up following me one night and attacking me. I don’t want to go into detail but it was horrible, and he ended up going to prison for a number of charges related to the attack. Not only do I have a number of scars and some long lasting physical effects, but I have PTSD as well.
Jack knows about my history and diagnosis, and has known from the beginning. I have a pretty prominent facial scar so I was upfront about it early on in our dating. Jack always presented himself as very pro-choice, so I was shocked that he would say that. I got really emotional and started crying and shouting, and it turned into a full-blown fight.
Eventually I said that birth control is a two-way street and so far I’ve been the only one managing it and he said “and now we have 2 kids and 2 more coming, great job.” I told him he sounded like Tom and he got super pissed, basically said how dare you compare me to him, and maybe he might want kids one day with someone who doesn’t compare him to her felon ex-boyfriend. I was stunned and horrified. I said “well then let’s not waste any fucking time,”then packed up myself and the kids and drove to my parents place.
It’s been about a week since the fight. I’ve spoken with Jack a few times and he has since apologized and said he was out of line and was speaking from a place of anxiety after finding out about the twins, but also that I said things that were out of line and it was wrong of me to insist he undergo a medical procedure. He said that can move on from the things I said and that he wants to see his children and be a family again. I told him no, that I didn’t want to “move on” from the things he said to me. I can’t just get over that and I think we need space apart. Jack was upset by this and while we talked I brought up getting a separation agreement to manage custody and finances while we figure things out. He did not like this suggestion, said we didn’t need to pull the courts into this.
I haven’t told a lot of people about what’s happening but my family and a couple close friends. My sister and best friend both think I should throw the whole man away, but my brother (who is the only other one married with kids) thinks that I’m being extreme for what sums up to a fight between two scared people who both said nasty things. My mom is trying to be supportive but is occasionally reminding me that I “don’t want to be a single mother of 4” and telling me not to let my PTSD drive my decisions, while my dad is being completely unhelpful (he thinks jokes are helpful - like calling me Doorknob because I “can’t stop getting knocked up”, telling me to let the oven cool down, real knee-slappers). I don’t know what to do. My kids are happy to be at grandma and grandpas house but they miss their daddy, I’m 4 months pregnant and already uncomfortable as hell, I wish I could go back to being a happy little family but I’m so hung up on the things he said in that fight. Am I destroying my family over one bad night? Am I being unreasonable for asking my husband to get a vasectomy?
Edit: I've noticed a lot of people recommending condoms. I have gotten pregnant with condoms twice. Our second child and my first pregnancy were both conceived using condoms properly (correct fit, put on correctly, single use, not expired, no breaks, etc). I do not trust condoms enough to not fail a third time. I know the failure rate is supposedly small, but it's not personally small enough for me. Edit to the edit: I'm sorry, I didn't expect so many comments so fast and I can't keep up with them. By the first pregnancy I mean the pregnancy with Tom. With Jack I was on the patch when I got pregnant with our daughter, condoms with our son, and the pill with the twins. So far I haven't ever suspected that Jack has tampered with our birth control and always presumed that I'm a fertile Myrtle.
I recognize the comments and just want people to know I'm seeing the suggestion. I'm not dismissing it, but the thought of it is deeply upsetting and has provoked a lot of anxiety. I just wanted to make it clear that if the suggestion is only based on the condoms, that the condom pregnancies were with two different partners. While I know I always used condoms properly with Tom, I do believe that Tom could have been fully capable of sabotaging the condoms.
AITAH has no consensus bot, OOP received mixed reactions of NTAs and YTAs
Relevant Comments
deepsleepsheepmeep: NTA. Your husband is though. Your body has already been through A LOT. A tubal ligation is a serious surgery and you are right about being out of commission for a while when recovering. If he is more concerned with an imaginary future wife than he is for you, I don’t think there is much hope for this marriage.
We have 4 close friends who all got vasectomies. None of them bitched about it like your wimp of a husband. We actually had fun vasectomy themed parties for them.
On the off chance he does end up getting a vasectomy, make sure to do the follow up appointments. One of the vasectomy fab 4 did not follow through and ended up with a post-vasectomy baby.

OOP: Thank you, I feel like this is a lot of what has been so upsetting has been that he's thinking about some imaginary future wife when I'm right here, his actual wife, the mother of his children. It's like he's already imagining a future without me.

 
Update: AITAH for separating from my husband because he refused to get a vasectomy?: May 3, 2024
I didn’t expect so many comments and literally couldn’t go through them all. It seemed like the majority of people said I was NTA but I did get a lot of YTAs telling me I was trying to force him to get a medical procedure and telling me to get one instead. Besides already addressing my reasonings why I made my request in the original post (which I want you to read with real "per my last email" energy), I in no way am *forcing* him to have a medical procedure, but I am saying that I do not want to be with a partner who is not willing to be snipped. This is an issue of compatibility. The number of children you want, the methods of birth control you’re willing to use, those are issues of compatibility and a reason relationships end all the time. If he doesn’t want to be sterilized that’s fine, but then that means that we’re not compatible anymore, since it means he wants more children and I don’t. Beyond that there were some YTA comments and some DMs that were just nasty, calling me a murderer and saying my body is a cemetery. Sadly enough, I expected those types of comments, because I know there are a lot of Toms out in the world.
First I wanted to address a couple things that kept coming up, because last post turned into thousands of comments that all said about 5 different things, so to avoid my inbox becoming another echo chamber:

You’re 100% going to have a C-section anyway so just get a tubal while giving birth.

No, I’m not 100% going to have a C-section anyway. Twins are not an automatic C-section. With my birth history there is no reason to presume that a C-section is in my future. My OB agrees, and has discussed the possibility as doctors have to do but also said that based on my past two birth experiences, I'm a "perfect candidate" for vaginal delivery.
I also am not going to mince words: tubal ligations are *less* effective than vasectomies with a *much higher* likelihood of an ectopic pregnancy. Ectopic pregnancy can *kill me*. In fact I got a PM from a woman who is a fellow fertile Myrtle who had an ectopic after a tubal. I am rejecting birth control options that, if they fail, would lead to my likely death. I don’t want to be pregnant again but I also don’t want to die and leave my children motherless, and in no way should anyone assume that traveling to another state to obtain an emergency abortion will continue to be an option in the future - we live in scary times, and Gilead is a real possibility. The comments seemed to have the vibe that people think that ligations are magically more effective than vasectomies and vasectomies are more of a whisper of sterility than an actual sterilization method so for those in the back VASECTOMIES ARE MORE EFFECTIVE THAN TUBAL LIGATIONS, FULL STOP. So I really need y’all to shut up about it.

Go to another state and obtain an abortion anyway.

I appreciate the personal offers to help I received in DMs deeply, but no. I’m in my 2nd trimester, which I know is still legal in some places, however I am at a point in my pregnancy where I personally as an individual do not feel comfortable obtaining an abortion, considering I would be *even farther* along by the time I could travel (which is not only finances, but logistics as well). I am 16 weeks pregnant now, these babies aren’t just clusters of cells to me anymore, and I’m not going to expand on that since it’s not up for debate.

Why not adoption?

With love and respect to everyone who has gone through adoption in all its aspects, adoption is absolutely not for me. This is a thought process I already went through 8 years ago, and now that I’m a mother and not a scared teenager I know it’s even less for me. I personally could not go through with it and come out the other side intact. Going through a full pregnancy, having my babies, and then being separated from them would break me.

Leave him and give him full custody of the twins

No. Because going through a full pregnancy, having my babies, and then being separated from them would break me. Jesus, some of y’all.

Just have a sexless marriage.

No. I love banging my husband, obviously lol. I don't want to be in a sexless marriage and anyone who has been to an abstinence-only high school knows that abstinence is not the way lol. There were a lot of comments assuming I would be perfectly fine withholding sex from my husband and having na dead bedroom, and I wouldn't. I have a sex drive. I'm going to want to bang my husband. Wanting to have sex with your spouse is *normal*.

What you would do about birth control if you divorced and dated in the future?

I’m not thinking of dating anyone else right now, because I’m thinking more about saving my actual marriage instead of an imaginary relationship. And if theoretically I did, I would probably seek out a partner who was snipped or was ready to be to be honestly, or a woman. I’m bisexual so there’s a very good chance that my future partner wouldn’t have the right parts to knock me up anyway lol.

Jack is sabotaging your birth control

I clarified my methods in the original post (as per my last email), but I did want to address this because it came up a LOT. I don’t have reason to believe that Jack sabotaged my birth control. A number of other fertile Myrtles showed up and brought up they or their family members repeated pregnancies in the face of birth control, including tubals. Accusing my husband of reproductive coercion for no reason other than I keep getting pregnant is a big leap and a weighty accusation. I am not the only fertile Myrtle out there, there's a reason there's a whole term for it.

Your husband is a narcissist, abuser, psychopath, and he does no childcare

My husband and I historically have a really healthy and loving relationship outside of this fight. In fact, this fight is the first time we’ve really had a fight, we’ve only ever had little arguments that we’ve been able to talk through. He’s an active father, the reason that I do the majority of childcare is due to circumstance between maternity leaves, our job schedules and the fact that I breastfed my babies. Someone also presumed I’m the breadwinner, which isn’t quite true. Jack makes more than me, but we do not have deeply significant differences in our incomes. When he is home he does his fair share of cleaning and cooking (arguably more than me at times), and parenting. That being said, the things he said in the heat of the moment were deeply concerning, and we’re addressing that together.
So to get down to the nitty gritty of the real update: since the last time I posted, Jack and I have sat down together and had a real come to Jesus talk. I’m not going to go through the whole breakdown, but it basically boiled down to this: it’s the vasectomy, but it’s more than the vasectomy. It was wrong of me to compare him to Tom but it was wronger of him to weaponize my trauma against me in a very malicious way. The way he intentionally used the same language my abuser used in an effort to hurt me was not acceptable and damaged the trust between us. He agreed it was not acceptable and said that in the aftermath he was horrified and ashamed his own words, and that he (as an explanation and not an excuse) kind of snapped under the stress. Oh and what he said about his “next wife” was not an indication of him not being committed to me but was because he felt hurt and wanted to hurt me back. He has apologized numerous times and seems to feel genuinely bad about it.
As for the separation, I am still going forward with it. I need space and time and I need to take that before the babies come. I am still staying with my parents who, for the record, are not sick of me or the kids. We’re a tight knit family, I only moved out when I moved in with Jack, and my sister moved out about a year ago so they have been empty nesting, and my mom doesn’t like that we live “too far” (an hour) away. What I have realized with space and time is how deeply triggering it was, in a way that I cannot explain to those without PTSD from DV, those who know will know. It’s deeply unsettled me and I’m having a hard time “getting over it” so to speak. There is now a lot of fear of my husband that was never there before and it’s going to take a lot to repair that trust and sense of safety. I cannot make a decision while I’m in this space, and I am addressing this with my personal therapist. Overall, I told him that if he wanted to stay married to me I needed two things from him: marriage counseling and a vasectomy, and even then I still cannot guarantee him anything. He understands, but I do not know what will happen with the vasectomy right now, we focused more on talking about the fight, but he is very aware that it's now a dealbreaker. And we have a marriage counseling appointment set up for next week. I'm hoping that counseling will bring some clarity to the situation, and in the mean time for the next couple months I'm focusing on giving my kids lots of cuddles and preparing myself for two new babies to come into my world, with or without Jack.
Additional information from OOP on her relationships

OOP: I've been through a trial to convict my ex-boyfriend of trying to kill me because of an abortion in a deep red, deeply religious area. I've definitely heard worse things, and I typically have pretty thick skin. That being said, I am pregnant and pretty emotional, so it's not the best experience. That being said, I do appreciate the level-headed comments when I see them through the sea of comments kind of saying the same stuff over and over. I'm not reading a lot of them if what I can see in the comment notification starts off nasty, so a lot of it is just inbox white noise. My favorites are the ones that start off with "I'm not going to read that BUT..." and I just think lol same. Like you don't want to read my post but expect me to read your comment that was made without even reading the situation? lol nope. And there are a lot of people conflating "providing someone with a hard choice" with "forcing someone into a medical procedure" and it just makes wading through for the actually helpful comments more tiring. Thank you though, I very much appreciate the kindness. Sorry, I've gotten so much of the same nonsense I guess I needed a little vent lol.

OOP on wanting her husband to make a decision and be on the same page

OOP: I want to be honest with him about where I am emotionally because I want him to make an informed decision. While the vasectomy is a deal breaker, it's really my secondary concern. My primary concern is the way he acted during the fight and his intention exploitation of my trauma because he was mad and scared. I think that telling him "get the snip to stay with me" and then deciding to leave anyway because there are deeper issues and/or I don't feel safe anymore would be cruel. He deserves to have the full picture before he makes a choice, doesn't he?
If he doesn't want the vasectomy, that's his choice. It's not what I want, but it is what it is. If he wants to call it quits at 4 kids, then it is what it is and if he secretly wants to be the next Nick Cannon then it is what it is he should be free to do that. That is part of why I don't know where he is on the vasectomy right now and we didn't really discuss it much when we talked, I'm focusing on discussing the bigger issue for me which is trust and safety within the relationship. The only way for him to make an informed decision about whether or not he get a vasectomy is for him to have all the information about the situation. If that makes him want a vasectomy less, then it is what it is. It's not about making him want to have a vasectomy. It's about being on the same page.

 

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I've been playing with my sample spreadsheet and was reminded that I literally relegated Sucreabeille to its own tab away from everyone else because I felt so negatively! They were my intro to indies, when I didn't know how to research scents or houses yet. I was hesitant to purchase because their marketing vibe didn't mesh with me, but I was convinced by the fawning reviews on almost every scent (on their website). At the time, I also didn't realize how expensive Suc is compared to many other brands!
I figured I could post these as a counterpoint to the mostly positive reviews that showed up when I searched for Suc scents. I'm sure the house works really well for some, but it REALLY didn't for me. Their pure gourmands worked better, but I haven't worn my top rated scent from this batch since I tried it out. I rested all of these for two weeks before testing, and I haven't revisited them since I got through all of them a few weeks after that.
My tastes: I really like rich resins and non-nag incense, as well as a spectrum of flormands and gourmands. I don't love fruits, green/aquatic scents or many dirt/dead leaf scents. Top houses: Olympic Orchids, Mythpunk Olfactive, Solstice Scents. Mid houses: Nui Cobalt, Cocoa Pink. Low hit rates: Suc, Alkemia, Possets, Haus of Gloi, BPAL GC
With that, I hope you enjoy my record of bewilderment.
BELSNICKEL Hot espresso with juniper berries and brown sugar.

• In the jar, tutti fruitti jelly beans, maaaybe coffee jelly bean if I smell hard enough to get a headache. On skin, very sweet, easier to see the brown sugar now and it's THICK. Syrupy. There's a little bitter note that could be juniper, sure, but it's toying with soapiness. After 15 min, already almost gone. The sweetness plus green now smells like a bathroom air freshener, plus the bathroom; not good. By an hour: gone! Weirdly getting more wafts of it around 4 hrs, and it's back to tutti fruitti? MAYBE brown sugar but god, just cloying. Erratic and synthetic, big disappointment. 1/10

CHAOS WITCH Freshly cut magnolias and moonflowers play with nutmeg cream.

• Very sweet pale floral with a cool spice, not identifiable as nutmeg. No clear magnolia. I didn't pay close enough attention to review this one well, but I was very disappointed by the complete lack of magnolia (a scent I love) and the vaguely unpleasant Suc DNA 3/10

DO NO HARM, TAKE NO SHIT Plums, nectarines, apricots, and blackberries sparkle on a bed of sage and fallen leaves deep in the autumnal forest.

• In jar: Fairly pleasant candy fruit smell (plum, berries) with a little cool herbaceous back to it. On skin: Fruits disappear to general sweetness over a damp earth and burnt rubber scent, maybe burnt leaves? Confusing. At 15 min, sort of a fruity sweetness? Over a sour off-note that could be the rotten leaves, but it comes off as sort of... poopy? I actually washed this off before leaving for work (less than an hour) bc I didn't want to smell like it - scrubbing didn't totally work, so I can say it's vaguely sweet with a dirty-herby soap base that I don't care for but isn't making me yak 1/10

AFTERGLOW Dark chocolate, amber, honey.

• Definitely get dark chocolate and honey in the jar! Not creamy but still rich and warm. On skin it loses power and sweetness very fast, it's a very faint borderline-musty borderline-burnt rubber smell with a baby powder. After a few minutes, thank god it's back to the bottle smell! Not as chocolatey which is too bad, but a pleasant sweet amber with a hint of chocolate. Something of the wet scent is still sneaking around? But then it turned into a cocoa butter lotion smell. Stays similar over the next 4 or 5 hrs, growing fainter. I think I like this? Maybe a bit synthetic though, but then again I don't always love the sharpness of honey 6/10

CREAM TEA A warm mug of creamy, frothy, caffeine-injected tea. A blend of chai tea, burnt sugar, white musk, warm milk, and hot scones slathered with raspberry jam and honey.

• More like an iced chai, not a warm scent in the jar. There's a sharp zingy berry in the background which might be what's cooling it down. On skin, the cool note is more dry loose leaf black tea, with a big sweet raspberry jam in front - not the most natural but nice. As it starts to dry, the closer I get to my skin the more it smells like a scented lotion. I don't get milk or pastry, or any of the chai spice at this point. At an hour, a sweet, creamy raspberry; still reminds me of a scented lotion, a bit bath-producty for me. At 4 hrs, a very faint sweet raspberry. Creamy in the sense that it's not sharp at all. Barely there but very pleasant. 6/10

YOUR SKELETON IS ALWAYS WET Pistachio and almond with exotic spices.

• In jar: Nutty! Close to what I hoped for, definitely pistachio/almond extract with a little hint of spice. Wet on skin, like huffing an extract bottle ach! That's a plus for me haha. Dries down to be very faint, mostly spices. This reminds me more of some chai blends I've had than Cream Tea does. At an hour, mostly dry spices, like a spice cabinet for only sweet bakes. I think the nuts are presenting as bottles of extract in that same cabinet, but definitely not the stars. 4 hrs: very faint, more of the nuts now but it's a generic non-spice sweetness, only vaguely nutty and kind of black peppery 5/10

COVEN A cauldron of herbs float in black, golden, and white ambers. Fir needles, cedarwood, and autumn leaves against a backdrop of pumpkin spice and sassafras.

• Definitely get a dark green foresty scent with a soft herbal element; a vague sweetness that is nondescript light spice, maybe the sassafras. Started promisingly dark-wet-forest but then turns into a barely-there high end/sexy soap, maybe that's ambecedar. Maybe good for soapy folk, not for me! 4/10

AMAZONIA Pear, fig, blueberry, ylang ylang.

• So so sweet, almost like one of those shark or frog gummy candies, gummy life savers, chewy gummy bears. No specific fruits identifiable. On skin, there's something musty to the fruitiness, maybe like a plasticky scent. I could almost pretend to smell pear, but it's not good 1/10

SMOKE AND DECAY Warm snickerdoodle cookies dipped in buttercream frosting, campfire wood smoke, crisp red apple, Indian sandalwood, a freshly poured oatmeal stout, orange spiced chai tea.

• Yummm sweet baking spices, definitely like a dark molasses spice cake in the jar (but the carrier smell is bleh). Wet on skin it's immediately a more realistic foody spice, but with a warm wood. After a minute the spice blooms off and there's something almost floral about it? Definitely get a bit of the orange, maybe cookie dough. 8/10

VENOM Oud wood, smoked patchouli, coal, freshly paved tar, cedarwood.

• WOW!! Smells like a sweet burning tire?? Maybe in a good way?? I want to smell it on a boy. Hmm but not good after all. Disappears almost entirely, fades to a hard to detect sun-sweet fresh asphalt. So hard to pick up though. 1/10

HOCUS POCUS Wormwood, bitter almond, figs, violets, nicotina, sparkling aldehyde.

• The wormwood is giving thin and clean-sweet like a not-quite almond extract. However, once this dries it's straight up Dove soap. It's so spot on idk what else to say! Another one for the soap lovers. 3/10

Hi! I saw a tiktok na pwedeng magka-valid ID thru orus.bir.gov.ph
I'm 19 and I want to have a valid ID because I'm planning to freelance but I don't have any idea what ID to obtain and what's the easiest to obtain
please respect my post kasi wala talaga akong idea, I live in a province din so hindi ko alam kanino magtatanong, thank you

Using Mac OS. Version 7.2
Maybe this would be easier on photoshop but I’m not exactly sure how to go about that either.
I literally shaved a word onto someone’s chest for a photo shoot, but I use the brush mask to fix and emphasize the words on his chest in one image and it came out great. That image was a close-up shot of the chest.
Now there’s more zoomed out images where I want to use the exact same writing or brush strokes so there’s consistency.
When I try to copy and paste the brush mask, it just takes up the whole image in the zoomed out photos.
I was thinking about just cutting out the portion of his chest and pasting it and blending it onto other images but it’s tricky with light and the borders of the pasted image. Any ideas?
Thank you!